#I’ve seen it floating around on twitter and nobody is losing their minds like this video deserves

[worm-priest]

The way nobody gets this video like I do

[jackdawyt]

Well, punch me in the teeth and call me the Dread Wolf! BioWare have already revealed another trailer for the next Dragon Age this year! The Game Awards 2020 premiered a beautiful-cinematic trailer that showcased many locations, factions, characters and foes we’ll witness in the next instalment. As per usual, we have many thoughts, theories and tinfoils on everything this trailer revealed!

However, before we break down the trailer, we have two descriptions of the next Dragon Age game shared separately on YouTube and Twitter.  

On YouTube, the trailer’s description said:  

“The world of Dragon Age needs a new hero – someone who can take on the evil forces threatening Thedas. Get a first look at some of the new locations you’ll discover and the factions fighting by your side in the next chapter of Dragon Age.”  

And shared on Twitter, the post said:  

“The world of Thedas needs you, a new hero. The next #DragonAge will see the return of Solas… and an old friend.”  

https://twitter.com/dragonage/status/1337198092957839365

Of course, the old friend no doubt refers to Varric who narrated this brand-new cinematic trailer. That’s right, the one, the only, our storytelling-chest-haired dwarf is coming back in the next Dragon Age, so we’re already going to have some familiarity in the next adventure.

With that said, let’s breakdown the entire contents of this new trailer and what it means for the next Dragon Age!

Meredith & Corypheus

The trailer started by revealing the first piece of a brand-new stone-etched mural.  

Knight-Commander Meredith was shown, infused with red lyrium, holding her sword “Certainty”.

Followed up with Corypheus holding Solas’s orb towards the heavens. During this point, Varric said: “I’ve faced tyrants and would-be gods.”  

These two shots clearly showcase the previous events of Dragon Age that have somehow circulated towards Solas’s scheme to destroy the Veil and deal with the Evanuris.  

Meredith took the Red Lyrium Idol and forged it into a sword, the idol itself apparently belongs to Solas, and he cares for it and recognises its depiction. Meredith was turned into a thawed red lyrium statue, and the red lyrium idol was found and retrieved inside her statued body. The idol’s current whereabouts are unknown.

"The Dread Wolf wants that idol, and he’s not afraid to get his hands bloody to get it." (The Dread Wolf Take You, Page 490). “He intends something for the Fade, and if he wants the idol, then whatever he intends will be terrible.” (The Dread Wolf Take You, Page 498).

Whereas Corypheus intended on using Solas’s orb to usurp the throne of the gods for himself. Solas, banking on the magister’s failure, sought out to regain his orb after Corypheus unlocked it, and died doing so. In this ideal situation, Solas would then use his orb and destroy the veil.  

However, that didn’t happen. Instead Solas’s orb was destroyed by crumbling rocks with Corypheus’s defeat. The elven god strives to find alternative ways to destroy the veil.

Both these foes at the start of Solas’s new mural show that what’s coming next will be much worse than any catastrophe in Thedas and that these events have always been set in stone for the Dread Wolf. It’s like he’s drawn Corypheus and said, you thought he was tough, wait till you see what I can do.  

Two Evil Gods

The trailer continued with the next pieces in this mural, two carvings of very enigmatic figures. The first engraving has an arched headpiece, red eyes, a spiky torso, and wavy lines coming from their head, with a haloed sun or moon behind them.

Immediately, this spooky figure reminds us of the evil god shown in BioWare’s Stories and Secrets from 25 Years of Game Development. However, we believe the figure shown in this book resembles the elven goddess “Ghilan'nain, the Mother of the Halla” who created giants, monsters, and beasts that spanned across the sky, water, and earth.

While this depiction of an evil god is concept art, there is one key difference between the two figures - the evil god in the concept art has four arms, whereas the mural figure has two arms. So, are they depicting the same god? We’ll certainly come back to this figure later on.  

The next figure has a very curved headpiece, elven ears, and clawed-looking shoulder pieces. With another haloed sun behind their head, this leads us to believe this is yet another evil god.

Personally, this figure reminds us of Dirthamen’s statue we saw in Inquisition, but this could honestly be anyone... And we’ll touch on that when we get to the finished mural.  

While these two figures are shown, Varric said: “Seen friends lose life and limb, but there’s always someone bent on breaking the world.”  

Obviously referring to allies previously lost, like potentially Hawke, and even the Inquisitor’s anchor. However, the enemies bent on breaking the world paint the figures shown as evil and malevolent. Of course, it’s not Dragon Age without someone trying to destroy the world.    

BioWare Logo

In the next sequence, a golden BioWare logo appears with a sun behind it, perhaps this relates the previous figure to Elgar’nan considering Elgar’nan was said to be born of the sun?

Anderfels/Grey Warden

Taking our minds away from the mural for a moment, the trailer began to explore iconic locations and factions that are going to feature heavily in the next Dragon Age.

The first location is a blazing desert with rough sands, cobblestone, and huge puddles. We think this is the Anderfels, Thedas’s blighted western lands. Over the horizon are multiple, huge reptile creatures. They look like turtle monsters similar to the Ankylosaurs, which is a kind of armoured dinosaur with a clubtail.

During this sequence, Varric said: “It’s time for a new hero.” As grey boots entered the shot. No doubt, referring to the next protagonist. The boots are instantly recognisable as a Grey Warden’s. You can see a dark blue tint on their leggings, as grey and blue are the Warden’s colours.  

Not to mention, the biggest indicator that this character is a Warden, is the location. A Grey Warden being in The Anderfels makes complete sense considering Weisshaupt, the Warden’s headquarters are located there.

More importantly, the fact that Varric said: “it’s time for a new hero” while showing this Grey Warden, and the trailer continued to show different factions, while still talking about the idea of a new hero. We think this indicates to the overall message of this trailer, being that perhaps this time around we can choose the faction our new hero belongs to. Like origin stories, our hero can choose between at least 4 or more different factions within Thedas.

While the Grey Wardens and many other factions will join our fight as key roles in the story like “Davrin” who was hinted at in the Gamescom trailer, having the choice to choose where your hero is from would make for an epic RPG, and a great callback to the series' roots.

Antiva/Antivan Crow

The next location revealed the most elegant nation of Antiva, looking absolutely stunning with its gold accents, and regal aesthetic. When compared to the Behind-the-Scenes concepts, we can certainly see the similarities between the early concepts and the CGI reveal. Most notably, the Disney-like palace that encompasses every shot.

Still sharing about our new hero, Varic said: “No magic hand, no ancient prophecy.” As a zoom-in shot of Antiva City revealed an Antivan Crow stirring a goblet of wine. The palace behind the goblet had magical energy emerging into the skies.

The shot pulled back, and revealed an Antivan Crow sat on the rooftops of Antiva, looking over the city. With Varric talking about the next hero being a nobody, with no magical anchor, and no ancient prophecy, can we choose to play as an Antivan Crow?

If this Crow is not showcasing the option of a new hero, then perhaps this is a Crow who will join our journey, like one of the Antivan Crow Talons. I see a lot of similarities with this cinematic shot and the recent short story - “The Wake,” which was all about the Talons mourning their lost friend.

Antiva as a whole, looks astonishing, from the rivers flowing through the city, to the picturesque sky, the city looks like a delightful place to take a love interest. However, we’re most curious about the magical energy emerging from the palace. Perhaps Antiva City prepares for the imminent Qunari Antaam invasion?

Tevinter Imperium/Siccari

The next location revealed the most prideful, gothic nation known as the Tevinter Imperium. This beautifully macabre shot is most likely showcasing Tevinter’s capital city, Minrathous.  

Once the motherland of the ancient elves before the veil’s creation, Tevinter was founded on the ruins of the elven kingdom, we can see many magical marvels and wonders in this cinematic shot. For instance, we have magical neon lighting guiding you through the city and the floating structure that stands in the centre.  

Perhaps this haunting structure is the Magisterium, or Minrathous’s Circle Tower? Regardless, the ferocious architecture and dark themes truly define Tevinter as a remarkable, and otherworldly nation. A lot of these undertones look similar to one of the concept art pieces shown at Gamescom.

Followed with this shot, Varric said: “The kind of person they will never see coming.” As a new hooded-character was revealed pulling out a winged-dagger ready to attack a blurred figure in a Tevinter alleyway. Not to sound like a broken record, but again, Varric is mentioning the new hero, so is this character one of the potential factions we can choose, and if so, what faction?

Well, because it seems like we’re in the streets of Tevinter, we think this character represents the Tevinter Siccari. This faction was recently introduced in Tevinter Nights, they are the Imperium’s best shadow network, made of highly skilled and secretive agents who each come from slave families, they are formidable and honourable warriors.  

“I have heard many things of the Tevinter Siccari,” the Mortalitasi added, “but I have never heard them called cowards or traitors. Most of them come from slave families, and those families are kept safe as both promise and threat, ensuring the Siccari never flinch from their duties. (The Dread Wolf Take You, page 503). ““Tevinter’s intelligence network declined to answer our request.” (The Dread Wolf Take You, page 485).

This hooded-figure has what-looks like keys on their chest, along with a very golden logo on their shoulder, which looks like an owl? The dagger also looks to have a winged bird on its helm.

If this figure doesn’t represent a faction the player can choose between, then perhaps they’re a shadowy Tevinter character from an unknown faction, or they could be someone like Neve, who was introduced in Tevinter Nights as a private investigator working out of Minrathous. However, we feel like Tevinter Siccari is the best bet, because they’re literally the Imperium’s spies.

Executor/Ancient Elf?

Followed by that, a most intriguing character appeared walking through a snowy forest. The figure has a three-horned headpiece, with trims of red on their outfit, holding a bow made of floating triangles.

The location of this area is the exact same as the sexy tree we witnessed at EA Play, the gloomy, midnight snow graveyard, with infected red lyrium and Ferelden architecture. The tree appeared on the right, as this mysterious character shot their enigmatic bow. With the location being the same as the tree, it can be anywhere close to the equator where it can snow, like southern Tevinter, northern Nevarra, or it could literally be anywhere in the mountains. The Ferelden architecture really throws us off though.

This new character is also a mystery, who exactly are they, and what faction do they represent? Well, we've never seen anyone like this before, so they could totally be something brand-new.

However, we can piece a few things together, like the magical, triangle bow. We saw this exact design in a concept piece at Gamescom, with many thinking that this design was ancient elven. On top of that, in the “Ruins of Reality” short story art piece that featured the Starkhaven elf known as Strife, he wore a red cloak with floating triangles on it.

However, even more intriguing, his cloak had the Executor’s logo on it - “a downward-pointed triangle with two wavy lines drawn through it.”

So, does this new character represent either The Executors, or an ancient elven clan? The Executors are mysterious beings who come from beyond the sea, they’ve been described to wear “dark robes of Vyrantium samite, with a thin mesh dropping down to cover the hood.”

I see a gold trim covering their face, but I don’t know if that headpiece constitutes as a hood? Even so, we don’t know what Executors look like.  

If this character represents an ancient elven clan faction, that would explain why they have this magical bow that fires as if projected with Fade magic, also illustrating the more alien look to this character.

Regardless, we think this character is quite the enigma, they could just as easily represent a Tal-Vashoth clan, a new Nevarran faction, or something brand-new that hasn’t been explored in the games yet.

Varric Tethras

During this entire sequence, Varric said: “We’ve got your back, I’ve got your back.” By, “we’ve got your back” we assume he’s speaking on behalf of the Inquisition’s remnants like the Divine, Scout Harding, Charter and company, who’re pursuing after the Dread Wolf. However, even more than that, Varric said, he’s got our back. So, Varric is coming back in the next game as a pivotal role it seems, hopefully, this time around we can romance our chest-haired friend, please?

Fen’Harel

Varric followed that up and said: “Demons, dragons, darkspawn, even the Dread Wolf.” As the next sequence revealed a very familiar Fen’Harel...

Solas is pressing one of his hands on this fresco that depicts him as the Dread Wolf rising. He’s touching the mouth of the Dread Wolf, as the beast’s teeth appear red, most likely to resemble red lyrium? Does Solas’s plan involve ingesting red lyrium? The substance does weaken the veil after all, so is Solas going to become blighted in order to fulfill his scheme?  

As Solas approached, we can see he has clothed himself in ancient elven robe-like armour with varying tints of green. He looks very stoic, but also a little bit sad.

New Mural

The cinematic mural that featured behind Solas was posted as a painting on the Dragon Age website, so we can take a greater look at it, and decipher its meaning.

https://twitter.com/Nthornborrow/status/1337521623084093440

Straight up, we can see the Dread Wolf with six blazing blue eyes, previously the Dread Wolf was depicted with red blazing eyes, however, this time around, his eyes are blue? This clearly has something to do with lyrium Maybe the Dread Wolf’s eyes will turn red once he has become tainted? Or Perhaps there’s a chance we could stop him from becoming tainted before it’s too late?

As stated, the Dread Wolf has six eyes, exactly like his description in Tevinter Nights. A Mortalitasi mage witnessing the Dread Wolf explained the description of a lupine, monstrous six-eyed Wolf the size of a High Dragon.

“Lupine in appearance, but the size of a high dragon, with shaggy spiked hide and six burning eyes like a pride demon.” (The Dread Wolf Take You, Page 496).

With the proportion of his eyes, there could be some significance to them, or it could honestly just be an art style. However, I wouldn’t deny anything relating to Old God souls or the amount of Evanuris left. But we feel the size of each eye shows us that the Dread Wolf is dealing with some sort of distortion with his appearance, like absorbing Mythal’s power metamorphosing him to become more draconic.

The Dread Wolf is bursting through the Black City which is imbued in red lyrium.

We can see the Dread Wolf has destroyed the Veil by the representation of the spheres that have exploded with a roaring fire. With its destruction, the Fade and the waking world of Thedas have become one. With the world burning in the raw chaos, Solas could then restore the time of the elves.

Two Evil Gods Identity  

These statues are old. Better shape than anything I've seen on the surface. Many of them are for Mythal, though. And Fen'Harel. Not in a spot of honor, but guarding, attending.

Protector and All-Mother, why are you honored here, so far from the light of the sun? And why was the Dread Wolf at your side? — Torn Notebook in the Deep Roads

The two evil figures on the left and right side look like the eluvians and statues from the Vir Dirthara, the ancient elvhen Library. And according to Tevinter Nights, there are many elvhen libraries throughout the land of Thedas like the one near the Imperial Highway. These ‘headpieces’ the figures have are slightly different and differentiate each member of the Pantheon from one another.

it’s honestly hard to tell who these figures could be Pantheon-wise, but here are some of our tinfoil bits that can correlate to their appearance:

When we reacted to this trailer live, we stated that these two figures could resemble the elvhen twins Falon’Din and Dirthamen. Their statues look very similar to these figures, but now that we have studied it, the figure on the left looks more feminine with long hair so this could be Ghilan’nain who has been mentioned a lot recently in the Dragon Age’s short stories and Tevinter Nights. If that figure on the left is Ghilan’nan, then the right still has to be Dirthamen who we know has a closer relationship with Ghilan’nain through Dalish and ancient elvhen legends.

"His crime is high treason. He took on a form reserved for the gods and their chosen, and dared to fly in the shape of the divine. The sinner belongs to Dirthamen; he claims he took wings at the urging of Ghilan'nain, and begs protection from Mythal. She does not show him favor, and will let Elgar'nan judge him." — Old Elvhen Writing

On the other hand, these figures could represent Elgar’nan and Mythal, who are closely related to Fen’Harel’s redemption to break the Veil.

“Long ago, when time itself was young, the only things in existence were the sun and the land. The sun, curious about the land, bowed his head close to her body, and Elgar'nan was born in the place where they touched.” — Codex entry: Elgar'nan: God of Vengeance.

“And that night, when the sun had gone to sleep, Mythal gathered the glowing earth around his bed, and formed it into a sphere to be placed in the sky, a pale reflection of the sun's true glory.” — Codex entry: Mythal: the Great Protector.

We could say that the masculine figure represents Elgar’nan who is represented as a sun. And Mythal, who represents the moon. If these two gods are side by side with Fen’Harel, then the Emergent Compendium’s reference could come true:

‘Two shadowed spheres among stars, an eclipse as Fen’Harel stirred’  

However, this could be a stretch knowing that Solas already has the remaining power of Flemeth, and Elgar’nan also has barely been mentioned, it is worth knowing that these figures have a similar reference to these gods either way...

Another connection these figures could resemble are the remaining old gods that bring forth the blights.  

In our Dread Wolf Rises mural breakdown back in 2018, we talked about the centrepiece of the artwork, with the massive moon that had two golden circles still lit, while 5 of them were greyed out. Most certainly referring to the past and future blights.  

In our new mural, behind these two figures there are the same golden circles. If we are comparing these two murals together these figures could be the two remaining Old Gods left who aren’t blighted, Razikale and Lusacan.

According to Solas, if there is any chaotic event in Thedas, spirits will pull against the Veil, weakening its forces. So, if Razikale and Lusacan were to become Archdemons at the same time, that could potentially tear the Veil hence the Dread Wolf rising in the moment to change the world once again.

Razikale is the only Old God to be confirmed female, so according to the mural, this theory might not be far off from this depiction. These Gods have not been tainted and have been left somewhere sleeping for centuries, to awaken them will require most of Thedas to become blighted in order to escalate the timing of two Blights happening at once.  

However, that’s just a theory, as we know, evil gods have Thedas in their sights, it really just depends which gods we’re talking about. We lean more to the Evanuris in this mural, however, the old gods are not out of the picture yet, as shown in The Dread Wolf Rises mural. We feel a double blight is in store for the future of Thedas.

Dragon Age New Font

Anyhow, the trailer ends with a new Dragon Age font and colour, I wonder if gold is going to be the main tone of the next game.  

Varric ended the trailer, and said: “This is your story.” No doubt referring to the fact that the narrative will be shaped by your choices and consequences.

Regardless, this trailer was amazing, and we’re so happy we actually had another look at the next Dragon Age game! We want to know all of your thoughts and speculation down below, how excited are you knowing that Varric is coming back?

[takenbyheartstrings]

something better | e.d.

pairing | ethan dolan x reader

summary | after a long-awaited break-up from a relationship that wasn’t good for you. you call Ethan to come to be your knight in shining armor to comfort you. that’s when feelings drowned for years finally come to surface.

warnings | angst, fluff, swearing, mentions of mental and physical abuse.

authors note | okay, so i literally wrote this at 12 am yesterday and finished it at 11pm today so i’m sorry if it’s like, fucking bullshit 🤷🏽‍♀️

word count | 1.4k

Your eyes trailed down to your phone as it lit up to show you a new notification. Your phone had been quiet that night. Sometimes one notification every hour, maybe two. Your eyes were brimmed with salted water, as your breath stopped every few seconds, and then restarted so you could just breathe. So you could take that deep breath.

You couldn’t lie to yourself any longer, there was no more regret, so you did what was right, you got rid of him, you got rid of Alexander. He restricted you from everything, he was a virus to your life. He filled your body with so much hatred. But you couldn’t let him go because you were scared.

Emma, Ethan, and Grayson had told you to get rid of him months ago, and then you did, for a day or two, and he’d come running back to you because he was worth nothing without you and yet he treated you like a doll.

A doll that he could throw around, hurt and use. You had the bruises to show it, you’d cover them up endlessly, but Emma always let you stay over... she was the only one that knew about the physical side.

They all knew about how he was mentally destroying you. How he was making you blame everything on yourself - how he made you question yourself.

... and yet, you still cried about him - because he used to be good to you. Before all of that, he was a good guy. Then he got fired, he dumped all his old friends - found new ones that turned him to the wrong sides of life. He came home drunk every night and when you tried to help him he’d push you away. That’s when you knew it wasn’t safe, and thus you stayed at Emma’s house almost every night and when she was away on small business trips to New York, she gave you another key so you could go somewhere when things got heated.

You lifted the phone that read twelve forty-five. There was nothing else you could do but text him - text Ethan. You typed a quick message begging him to come over as he soon responded, in a short answer, he was coming. You clicked the return button and opened Alexander’s contact, you bottled up the courage to finally click bock - and then you did it on everything else... Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat - you deleted the photos on your phone. The physical photos had been ripped up days before you had finally called it quits.

There were no more messages.

There wasn’t a trace of him on your phone anymore.

In real life.

No more.

You heard a knock on your door, as you cleared your throat, preparing to see Ethan in what felt like days, even if you’d seen him that morning for breakfast with Emma and Grayson.

You opened the door as he noticed your eyes, your eyes flooded with the colour red.

“Would you like some water, coke? Something to drink?” you asked him, you shut the door behind him locking the doors.

“Uh - yeah, sure... I’ll, uh, I’ll take a water... wanna fill me in on everything?” You gave a subtle nod as you grabbed a glass from your cabinet and pressed it against the fridge’s water filter.

Your shoulders were slumped as you walked towards him, you slid the glass against the countertop. You gave a large sigh, shaking your head. He discarded the glass for a moment as he took your hand.

“How’re you feeling?” He asked, immediately giving himself an internal facepalming - it was a stupid question and he knew that.

You chuckled, “I’m feeling-” You took a breath, “-better?”

You tried to hide it, hide the emotions, but he could see right through you, he could see through your facade. Maybe if he made a move months ago - if he had just stopped being such a pussy. Maybe, you wouldn’t in the position you were in. But he didn’t want to lose you.

In simple words - he couldn’t risk it.

“You’re such a liar.” He shook his head lightly.

You sniffled lightly, “Maybe so, but I am, he did shit to me and I guess it feels like weights been lifted off of my shoulders? I won’t have to come home to him anymore - I won’t constantly be at Emma’s place anymore.”

“What’d he do to you, y/n. I know there was more than the restrictions on your life - you can’t hide it from me anymore... I need to know.” Ethan didn’t want to seem pushy and push you away, but he had to know - he had to know what Alexander had done to you.

“He hurt me, E.” Your mind flashed back to those moments where Alexander would get so angry and you had no clue why. He just would. Your mind just had to bring back everything - all those memories. “More than just mentally.”

He shook his head, almost disappointed in himself, “I’m sorry - I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. This is all my fucking fault.”

You looked slightly taken aback, “This is not your fault, Ethan... I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you worrying about me - the only person who knew what was really going on was Emma.”

You gave a quiet sigh as Ethan looked at you, “Wanna watch a movie?” he questioned you as you gave a careful nod. You both sat on the couch as you flicked through the movies on Netflix, coming to the final stop of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

It wasn’t a movie, but it was sure as hell gonna make you happy.

Ethan gave you a careful look as you laughed at Joey busting into the room ready to demolish the turkey Monica had cooked for that Thanksgiving. She smiled, despite her fragile state, despite her numbness.

He was crazy for her, she was insane for him, he was out of her mind for her. He wanted to kiss her, place her strawberry lipgloss covered lips onto his, but he knew that could never happen or it’d embarrassment he’d face. It’d be heartbreak he’d face.

You caught him looking at you, “...I know, my laugh is ugly.” you let out a soft chuckle following the sentence.

He simply just shook his head at you, he didn’t understand how you could think something so angelic sounded like an animal being run over by a truck. He just didn’t - he couldn’t understand.

He lifted your chin so that your eyes looked into his, you didn’t flinch at his touch and it felt to be touched by someone you knew wouldn’t even dare to hurt you. He gave you this longing glance that brought this feeling you’d never felt before. His eyes staring into yours, not one blink.

Your stomach did summersaults as the light of the moon shone on the both of you. You felt this abyss of feeling, real love. real connection. You couldn’t pull yourself away. You were drawn to him; you were drawn to everything about him.

He brushed your chin with a small smile as you flinched slightly, “I won’t hurt you, y/n. I’ll never hurt you like he hurt you. You deserve better than him, and I want to give you that.” he let out a small sigh, “It might be pathetic - hell it really is. But I love you, I always have, and seeing you with someone else, with him makes me so mad because I know I loved you first.”

Your skin was softer than a rose petal and her eyes reflected a sense of self, a sense of true found feeling. You returned his small smile. You knew, she finally knew... you knew for sure.

“Fuck...” You muttered ever so quietly. “I never knew how to say it. I was scared to lose the friendship we’ve held up for so many years, scared of losing the person who helped me through things nobody else could. I’ve loved you... for too long.” You felt like tsunamis would erupt from your eyes, as your body made the old memories stop floating, finally sinking down into the depths of the oceans in your head.

He had a love for her, a love so deep it could move mountains... and so, he finally did it. He finally kissed the girl's lips - the strawberry lipgloss covered lips, as she kissed him back. Your lips were so perfectly aligned with his. For a moment you were pulled away from the terrible reality you once lived.

Now it was time for something, new.

Something better.

[roonilwazlibisawriter]

Rumors

It was a vague memory but man was it beautiful. He held me in his arms and spun me around. We’d float across the pavement as the snow fell around, covering up where our feet had once met the ground. He laughed and my heart skipped a beat. I smiled as I just watched his eyes and facial expressions. He was telling me a story about what had happened with the boys that day but I wasn’t really listening. I was too mesmerized by the beauty of this boy. The way his smile spread across his whole face, how his eyes showed every emotion he was feeling at the moment even if his tone said the opposite, the way he’d glance up as if there was cards above my head reminding him of how the events had laid out, how he wouldn’t look straight at me but everywhere except, making me think he was replaying the whole scene in his mind and watching it with his eyes. We had still been twirling and soon we stopped as he fell down, pulling me with him. I just lay there laughing as he brought me into his arms. The snow had lightened up yet it continued to fall around us.

             “I love you.” The words meant for my ears never reached their destination as they floated off with the wind and soon so did the vague little memory I cherished with everything I had.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw that it was the middle of the night. I sat up, my head throbbing, before getting out of bed with a sigh. My bed made a rustling noise as I moved and I turned to see tissues long forgotten all scrunched up in a pile where he used to be. My eyes became watery and I shut them once more as another memory came to my mind.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He had said as he walked out the door. The boys followed, carrying his stuff so he wouldn’t have to come back and get it. They gave me a sympathetic look but didn’t say anything. I knew once they walked out that door, I’d lose the relationships I had with them as well. He had said that it was just not working with the distance and travelling and so I figured it wouldn’t work with them either. I seriously thought we could fix this and make this relationship work but it just ended.

I opened my eyes and walked out to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass of water and some medication for my headache. I looked at the door as I sighed and thought about it. It had been almost a couple of months and I still missed him, everything about him. His touch, his voice, his smile, his eyes, the way he’d hold me in his arms or speak sweetly into my ear. He’d always make me a nice cup of tea when I was upset and I would sniffle as he held me close, telling me everything would be alright. I felt a pain in my chest as I thought about it. I hadn’t heard or seen any of the boys since then. I didn’t go on the internet in fear of seeing something about him. I was really happy for how big the band was becoming but I knew the minute I saw his face, I’d crash completely and be back to square one. A light flashed by the window as I subconsciously touched my stomach.

My stomach. My period hadn’t come last month but I had brushed it off as I had gotten started on a new exercising workout and I knew from experience that changing exercising plans tend to screw up your schedule but I hadn’t yet gotten it for this month either. I hadn’t done anything about it. I was too afraid to take a test. I knew I would soon need to figure it out but I just couldn’t do it. I removed my hand from my stomach as I moved the glass to the sink and walked back to my room. I cleaned up the tissues before curling back up under the covers, soon falling into a deep sleep.

   The next day I went to the store and got a test. I returned home and locked myself in the bathroom as it made me feel a bit more secure even if I was the only one there. It took me another two hours before I finally opened it and peed on the stick. I then waited for a minute or two before leaning over and looking at the stick that sat there on the counter. One line. I’m not pregnant. I didn’t know how to react. I sighed before throwing it into the trash and unlocking the door. I walked out and went to grab my phone as it went off.  I look at who’s calling. Shelby. I answer it.

“Hey, Shelbs. What’s u-“ I didn’t get to finish even asking as she started screaming into the phone. I pulled it away from my ear for a second before returning it and saying, “Shelby! Calm down, slow down, and repeat.”

“Go look online! Go check twitter! Right now and don’t hang up!” She said it very out of breath and rushed but I did as she told me to. Someone had sent me a link. I pushed on the link and a small article was brought up with the heading: JUST AS THE BOYS ARE GETTING BIG, IS IT THE END FOR ONE OF THEM?

             I scrolled down and saw a picture of me leaving the store from this morning. I scanned over it and almost dropped the phone.

             “It’s been two months since anyone’s heard anything about Ryder Bradley’s relationship. He hasn’t been reported with his girlfriend for almost two months now yet it seems as though she was caught leaving the pharmacy today after being spotted buying a pregnancy test. Is she cheating or have they been meeting up on the DL?

             These boys have gotten…”

I stopped reading after that point. They didn’t know. They didn’t know we had broken up. Not only did they not know but now everyone thinks I’m pregnant with Ryder’s baby or that I cheated on him. I knew they were becoming big but not big enough to have articles as such written about them. I must have missed a lot in the two months I have been disconnected. I realized Shelby was still on the phone and I grabbed the phone that had slipped into my lap. I brought it up to my ear before sighing.

“Did you read it?”

“Yes.”

“Is it true?”

“We broke up.” I didn’t say anything else before ending the call. I sat there stunned. If all these people had seen this, does that mean he’s seen it? I didn’t know and I was too scared to find out. I heard my phone go off and I answered it without looking, thinking it was Shelby again.

“Hello?” My voice was tired and so was I.

“Is it true?” Even though I barely heard the question, I knew. I knew that it was him. He had read the article and now he was searching for an answer. I knew I would eventually have to give him one but for now, I couldn’t so instead I hung up the call before throwing my phone and locking myself in my room. Oh man, what is going on? I couldn’t comprehend anything as I slowly drifted off into a sleep while my mind shut off. What was I going to do?

When I awoke again, it was late. I looked at the clock and it read 8:00. Guess not that late. I got up and quickly found my phone. I saw a bunch of messages from Shelby. I then saw I had 15 missed calls from Ryder, 8 from Evan, 3 from Ben, 5 from Ash, 3 from Shelby, 1 from my mom, and even 1 from Ryder’s mom, Liz. I sighed. I then looked at my laptop that I had forgotten to shut and I go over and wake it up. I had a bunch of direct messages and tweets. I didn’t want to look at them so I shut my laptop and looked around my house. It was spotless. It still felt empty as it had once been filled with all of his stuff. I knew I had to do something so I grabbed my phone. I pulled up Ryder’s contact and sat there, trying to find the courage to press his number and call him.

               An hour passed before I finally pressed the number and held the phone up to my ear. It rang only once before a very familiar voice rang through and into my ear. “Hello?”

             “Hey.” I heard the echo so I guessed I was on speaker.

             “Hi.” I could tell he was searching for answers by the hesitant tone he spoke with.

             “So I know you want some answers. I’m not pregnant so you can breathe.” I heard the whole room fill with sighs. “Sorry for the big scare.”

             “It’s fine, just glad that it was cleared up” I nodded before realizing they couldn’t see me.

             “Yep, so is that all you needed?”

             “I guess so. Thanks again. Oh, hey we’re home for a little bit, so you might see us around.” I knew he was trying to be polite but I couldn’t take it. I scoffed lightly hoping he wouldn’t hear. “What?”

             “Oh. Just that I don’t think it matters since you all pretty much cut off any contact with me since that day. I know you are trying to be polite but I don’t want to hear it. I thought we were all friends and even though we stopped dating, I didn’t think that meant we’d stop talking. It hurt and the fact that you only contacted me because of a stupid rumor hurts even more because you’re not calling to see if I’m okay, but rather to make sure your career is okay. I’m happy that you have become so successful but please don’t try to act like everything’s okay between us. If I see you around then fine but I doubt I will. I’ve got to go.” With that I hung up the phone and started crying. Ryder wasn’t a bad person and I feel so bad for saying what I did but it hurt when they all just cut off any type of communication and such. I had tried to text them a few times to see how everything was going but they didn’t even answer or acknowledge me. I just wanted this day to be over. I walked back to my room and this time when I fell asleep, it wasn’t to escape but rather to disappear from the world into a world of my own that I could find some peace.

               The next day, I got up early. It was about 8:00 and it was a Saturday. Nobody else was usually up this early on a Saturday so I decided to go for a run. I ran down to the park near the house and just decided to run around it for a bit. I had my phone with me to play music and after a good 45 minutes of running. I stopped at a bench to stretch a bit. I wasn’t really paying attention as people started to show up as I was lost in the music that was playing. I turned around to start walking back when I ran into someone. I was about to apologize but when I looked up, I found Ash looking down at me. I sighed before trying to walk around him. He stopped me though before signaling for me to pull out my ear plugs. I did as he asked.

             “Ash Stevens. How is it that I run into you after a day like yesterday?” I knew my voice sounded a bit snappy but he just laughed it off.

             “Hey. I’m not alone. The other boys are around here too, somewhere. How are you doing?” He gave me a small smile as I sighed and looked down.

             “I’m okay. How are you and all of this?” I knew he knew what I was getting at.

             “I’m good. I’ve missed you. I know you were upset about how everything went down but we just didn’t know how to contact you. You looked so upset and hurt that day and all of us thought there was no way we could make it up to you. It was the wrong way to go but it happened and we can’t change it.” I nodded as tears lingered in my eyes. I saw the others walking up behind.

             “It was nice to see you but I really can’t do this. I miss you too.” I didn’t look up but quickly walked around him and I heard the others say hey but I kept my head down as I began to run back. That hurt even more because I missed them so much. Things would eventually be okay but for now I needed time to process this all and heal.

                As I arrived back at the house, I had to hold back a scream. Once inside, I just let it all out. I screamed and yelled out at the frustration I felt for this whole situation. I was tired and upset but more than that, I just wanted everything to be okay again. I have my faults and flaws and I know I’ve made mistakes but so did everyone else. I knew eventually I’d have to get over it and become friends with them again or I’d have to completely shut them out. There was no in-between. After I was done letting out all I needed to, I decided to take a shower. I stripped my clothes off and stepped into the water that was waiting for me. It was perfect. It was hot and the steam quickly filled the bathroom up, fogging up the mirrors. I just let myself relax as I let my mind wander, soon creeping upon a lost memory that had been tucked away safely.

             I giggled as he ran his hands over my back, the water cascading down onto our heads. It wasn’t sexual or anything but rather a sweet innocence to it as his hands lingered a little once they reached the lower part of my back.

             “Stop. It tickles.” I giggled again as he moved his hands back up to my shoulders.

             “Has anyone ever told you that you need to just stop stressing or worrying? You are so tense and your muscles are completely tight. You just need to let go and have fun once in a while.” He started rubbing my shoulders and it hurt a tad bit but it also felt really good as he kneaded away the knots that were there.

             “You know I can’t do that. I’m just that type of person. I try but then I freak out even more because it feels irresponsible and somewhat scary.” I sighed as I leaned back into his chest. He leant forward and pressed a kiss to my temple.

             “Just breathe. Don’t think about it. You think too much and that’s what gets you into trouble. Instead of overthinking, acknowledge that the problem or assignment is there and then give yourself a break. If it can’t be fixed within the next couple of minutes or you don’t have a time restriction or just don’t know how long it’ll take then don’t worry about it. It’ll work itself out.” He had grabbed my hands during his little speech and he was now playing with them. The water had turned warm instead of the hot it was when we first got in and we knew we’d have to get out soon. I knew he was right but I didn’t know how to do that but in this moment, I had achieved that, even if it would end once I was out.

             “You’re so smart..” My voice trailed off as my eyes began to droop. The shower was becoming a nice little cover to keep me safe and warm but I felt it being turned off. Ryder moved to pick me up and he whispered softly in my ear to just sleep. I nodded before curling into his arms…

             I jolted up, finding instead of hot water but now a cool light waterfall coming down on me. I turned it off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel. These memories were becoming a nuisance, always coming at the worst times. I put on some pjs, threw my hair up into a bun, and made some nice hot chocolate. I curled up under a blanket as I turned the lights off in the house and popped in one of the many chick flicks I had for days like this. As it started playing, I wondered what it would be like to have these moments that are written about or directed. Sure, they’re movies but someone somewhere must experience a moment like this at least once.

             I had only gotten halfway through when there was a knock on the door. I paused the movie and got up. I was just at the part where, just like in every chick flick, the boy and girl get into a fight and all you do is feel bad. My eyes were puffed up from crying and I had a big sweater on. I didn’t check to see who it was as I swung the door open. Before my eyes, I found the most beautiful human being alive. Ryder Bradley. Even after everything, he was still so mesmerizing to me. I knew I’d eventually have to talk to him so I just stepped aside as he walked on in. I had pictured this moment so many times going over different scenarios but right now my mind was blank. All the practicing and rehearsing was gone.

             I looked over as Ryder stood in the middle of the front room. He was fiddling with his hands and was peering down at his feet, as though something was bothering him. I walked over and sat back in my spot. I didn’t say anything. He didn’t say anything. I resumed the movie, the room still dark, and the only light source was the sun that seeped through the windows and into the house. Ryder walked over and sat down next to me. He moved to pull me in and I cuddled up into his arms. We just sat and finished the movie, holding each other tightly as though any moment this could all disappear and we could lose one another forever.

             The movie had to come to an end and so did the little fantasy we had lost ourselves in for the last 45 minutes. We pulled apart and I got up to turn on the lights. I didn’t turn around once everything was illuminated by the lights but instead kept facing the wall.

             “I’m sorry. Not just for the way I acted over the phone but for the last two months and that day. I never should’ve left. I should’ve fought for you and done what was right. I thought that becoming big would be too hard for you but I should’ve known better. I don’t know why I ended it. Maybe I was scared. Actually I know I’m scared. At this moment, telling you this, waiting for a response. I feel so vulnerable as though any moment, I could lose you forever whether it be just as friends or more. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat or focus on anything since that day. I know nothing I say can make up for it, but I’m asking for you to just understand how much I truly am sorry and how much I have missed you.”

             I had started crying once again, man was I emotional, and I didn’t want this to end, not even in the slightest. I didn’t want any more words to be exchanged. I turned around and walked quickly over to him before crashing my lips against his. He pulled me to him, holding me as close as possible as we both desperately grasped at anything we could. We needed each other and I don’t know what was going to happen but for now, I needed him. To hold me, to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, to kiss me, to pull me closer, to act as though the past two months never happened. I pulled at his shoulders and he wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me off the ground. He gently set me back down and pulled away. I looked up. My face covered in tears, my hair disheveled, my clothes all wrinkly, my nose red. He studied my appearance for a minute before a small smile graced his beautiful face.

             “I have never seen you looking more beautiful than in this moment.” He whispered it softly, the atmosphere now a calm warmth and I just looked into his eyes. His eyes told me everything. He meant the words that just came out of his mouth. He didn’t need to say that, but he wanted to. “Even with everything that has happened, you have stayed strong and graceful. I don’t know why and I don’t know how but I do know that there isn’t anyone who will ever compare to you in this moment when you look so scared and frightened yet so beautiful and serene. I don’t know how to explain it but you just are worth it.” He trailed off and I could tell he was having a hard time with his words. I looked down before glancing up at him.

             “I love you, Ryder Bradley. Never forget that. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I can’t take not being with you for one more moment. Even after everything, I still need you just as much as I did two months ago.” He looked up at me, looking for the truth in my words and I knew he saw it. We didn’t move. We just stood there for a moment before he grabbed me and swung me around, kissing me all over my face. I guess now I’m one of those girls that gets written about and it felt good.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

hey man your comic stuff?? fucking amazing do you have any tips for a novice child artist such as myself

hmm!!! thats a good question if i have any advice at all…i dont really draw things in comic form that often because of how slow i am…its a whole project for me lol

also natch im just an amateur at all of this vs people who like…pay attention to how to do things really well and/or draw comics on a regular schedule &/or get paid for it and all. so seeing this i was immediately trying to think of like, advice ive seen from random professionals on twitter & stuff & i’ve tried to moreso shake it down to the stuff I’M actually doing when i draw a comic. which is a bit tricky because of my small sample size & the fact that i dont have any kind of consistent process or technique unifying all the comic-type stuff i draw

like sometimes its just a few floating sequential drawings and other times is definitely more like, really thinking of it in terms of how i’m going to structure it in Comic Form & use the format to adjust my presentation of whatever idea i have

like i know ppl whose Job (officially or just by their own standards) to do a bunch of comics pages will do a script of scenes to decide what goes on what page and sort dialogue / action into panels & describe how things will look etc…and then do like maybe really rough layout pre-sketches, then the first rough sketch for a page, an optional more cleaned up sketch layer on top of that, and then the final lineart

i sorrrt of do a version of that, in that i am generally sitting on a Comic Idea for a while before i even start getting into the business of thinking through how it’ll actually work. i have to make sure that im “committed” enough to the idea to wanna make more than one drawing for it, and that i think i have at least a vague notion of how i could put it into a comic. sometimes i DO end up just putting the notion into a single drawing or condensing it into like, 2-3 lil floating drawings or w/e. coz a lot of the times the idea starts out really vague, often with one “moment” that serves as the whole inspiration & that i then try to build a scene/sequence around….a lot of the details beyond that can be really vague in my mind, like the setting or dialogue or who’s involved or what happens or the pacing or extra events or etc…basically Everything is real amorphous for a while

so yea step 1 is me having this one idea and trying to decide if building a scene around it would be a better way to present it vs just having one drawing, & if i think i can actually effectively carry it out….which is in reality even less fancy than it sounds…i just sit on an idea for a while & never get around to actually focusing on it / putting down any of the thoughts abt it that im formulating. but the upshot of me putting it off for forever is that i do end up with a kind of mental script / layout for a comic before i start it…..but even the extensiveness / format of these unwritten scripts varies a lot for me

like, a few times when i have made something that’s maybe longer than just one page &/or something ive been mulling over for an extra long amt of time (which tends to be stuff that is starting out w/ heavier than usual ideas) i’ll like, actually write down what happens page by page, even plan out specific panels, maybe even put down a few rough sketches of certain parts. i’ll have the Main Moment which is the idea that started the whole thing in the first place, but what tends to happen is i’ll come up w other moments that i think could lead up to / frame / follow the main moment, and i pretty much just decide how they all fit into one cohesive piece. so what my “rough drafts” look like for these more extensively planned ones—still really not that exhaustive, i only put things to paper when im basically done enough w my ideas to be just about ready to start actually making them—can vary in their actual formats (e.g. simple chronological bullet points of events, a few drawings, a rough sketch of how the whole thing might look), the core of it is basically just me finding a way to nail down how i’m going to arrange the Moments i have and how i’m going to lead one into the other…….like for things with enough pages / panels, i’ll tend to focus on which Moment will end each page &/or each line of panels, then have an idea of which other Moments i’ll need to put on which of those pages, and kinda figure out how to pace things

again that all sounds like maybe i have a real process…..I Do Not

im kinda lucky in that i think i have a decent sense for composition without having to struggle over it too much. so a lot of times i can leave a lot of that up to be felt out as im actually doing the rough lineart for the first time. i also often don’t nail down panel arrangement that carefully & also make it up as i go along a bit, which is probably not something anyone should emulate. someone was saying something about how some certain page layout of like, 3-something-something panel rows looks best, i dont know. i’m guessing, as with all things, nobody can say “always do this / never do that,” but i think staggering odd/even numbers of panels in each row is always a good guess. just makes it easier for them to read more distinctly at least, surely

sometimes i DO think about certain panels when i wanna frame a certain “shot” in a very specific way. but im just kind of doing whatever. i know vague rules like that wide shots / negative space slows down the pace, vs tightly cropped / small panels / packed w a lot of visual info tends to read as a faster pace, more chaotic. i dont quite go too wild about that sort of thing tho, because for me as a reader, a lot of times really tight shots that are like cutting between 5000 different angles rly fast all in a row, sometimes it is absolutely unreadable to me, as in i do not understand the visual info at all. it feels like the equivalent of how action movie editing keeps hanging on to the “incoherency = intensity” vs just me tuning out until the scene is over & missing details b/c i just am not getting anything out of it

thats not much of a factor for me coz i dont really ever do things with extended sequences of movement / action or whatever. i’ll keep things in one place. i’ll like to do smaller, “quicker” panels moreso to like, show simultaneousish details / to extend one moment…..occasionally i do Big Panels for a moment of higher intensity / impact too. btw putting a High Intensity moment in a super tiny panel is always really funny for the contrast of it all. i dont think ive ever done it, but it is

ummm…….also planning where your speech bubbles will go is good. i dont do that enough, but i should. most of the reason i dont have a more proper, organized process to anything i draw is that i just dont have the focus / patience to slow down for More Planning vs just going ahead and drawing it. jokes on me, since some quick vague planning can make it a lot easier on yourself vs just diving in and struggling w something for ages

uhhh also since im not that fantastic or mindful of panel layout? sometimes i’ll make a point of just having uniform rectangle panels of the same size/shape, so i only have to really worry about the layout within the frame. this is mostly good obv for things with not that much shift in pacing throughout it or action or whatever…you lose the advantage of how panel sizes can affect the tone of a shot or something & probably cant get that detailed in ur drawings but that is often Fine By Me

when i do use the uniform rectangle structure though, i kinda have to focus more on each individual panel, vs like, knowing ok, these three moments are going on this page, i have a vague idea of what’ll connect them, just make up the individual panels as you go along. this does mean that i have to kinda think more about what justifies each panel….how its different from the ones before & after it or how i might want it to be similar to “hold” a shot for a beat or w/e or draw focus to a small movement, what’s actually going into each panel, if i can/should condense two panels into one, etc. its still a lot of playing it by ear, i dont have solid rules of how i think i should do it each time

even when i do have a like whole plan for something im drawing i’ll often make more changes as im actually making it. sometimes its deciding something would be more effective, sometimes it’s just “hey this would work too & be easier,” and thats definitely fine. nobody knows the change you made, and Easier isn’t necessarily Worse anyways. convenience is good where you can get it

ive also definitely had specific comic artists formatting/framing styles in mind when i specifically wanted to use that while drawing my own stuff. like the way i’ll draw maybe a kind of horror vibe (more diagonal lines / “fractured” panels than i’d normally use, quick tiny shots of different smaller details, that kinda stuff) is gonna be different from when its a calm & quiet tone. where i dont really get too creative with the panels really & keep them pretty steady

and then that one time i did a largely nonsequential sort of panel collage b/c the marge simpson anime gave me great inspiration for how to combine & present a bunch of vague notions i had floating around all into one page. it was a good accomplishment & thats unsurprising because the inspiration i was using was That Good. thank god we can all benefit from each others good ideas and knowledge & work & all that. it does help to jump on a feeling of “wow what a cool comic i wish i could make something like that.” just go ahead and make something like that…

ummm this is all on the technical side-ish still but i dont really know what to say abt the kind of stuff that makes me wanna draw a comic in the first place vs just putting the idea into a regular single drawing…usually it Is kind of a more nuanced moment that i think would be better presented within some amount of context and buildup and all that. i basically exclusively draw emotions….and sometimes theyre better shown with some amount of action/dialogue, or at least a few different shots or something. i dont know if this area is helpful information or anything anyone would benefit from knowing about, or even if i have anything to say about it…is it all self evident maybe? idk! i do think i communicate emotions best through comics…not that each one is “here is my mood!” or talking about me at all, but i was for example trying to communicate about an abstract emotion, i think i can draw about it better than talk or write about it or anything. i DO sometimes draw more directly from my own specific feelings/experiences for things, but mostly when i think it can be relevant…i cant really do anything all that directly autobiographical, even casual diary comics or whatever. thats what my text posts are for… but i have been interested in how to convert these huge emotional issues that i’ve been v familiar with into a few pages or panels and how to present its impact in the simplest, straightforward ways i can manage…sometimes i think its worked for sure…..i feel like i gave a more Relatable sense to a certain experience by putting it in comic form than any of the times ive discussed it as a personal thing at length via text. like i said i communicate best via comics probably, despite not drawing them all that much coz im too damn slow lmao

speaking of, i’ve kind of been like “what a waste” abt the fact that i dont have like, a proper approach or regular strategy to thinking up comics before i draw them, but i think theres something actually okay to be taken from that lol……just that i know if i got too caught up in trying to plan it all out perfectly before getting into actually drawing it, i’d be making it into a bigger project and slowing myself down even more & i’d risk dropping it partway through or just never getting started at all. so if i have a less than perfect end result, at least i have an end result, and ive finally got that one idea out of my head in some way. and i feel like some of my comics do work out decently enough….a good handful of times ive been surprised w how well some ppl receive them

so i think it is good to just go ahead and dive in. i did that once w an idea i’d been sitting on for like half a year, and i think it turned out good enough. i just knew i could easily spend months and months more turning over all the details, which might make it Better, but would also mean that yknow, i’d never actually get around to making it b/c of feeling like it had to be ideal. so i simplified it a bit, used a uniform panel layout, did little drawings, and just got it drawn out in an afternoon or two. and now at least it exists lol. and ive sort of come back to the same idea in a way…if i feel like it turns out i wanna elaborate on something more, i can just make another pic/comic built on the same theme, who’s gonna care or stop me

i also try to focus on what lines are/aren’t necessary to avoid things being confusing or just pointlessly cluttery….this isnt a big issue b/c i dont often bother w bgs. dont emulate that either lol…….but im not doing any Serious art so its no big deal to me if im not “good” or not progressing as spectacularly as i might. i dont need my drawing abilities to be that amazing here. but bgs still serve a purpose beyond being a “skill” or whatever so im trying to include them more, aka occasionally, at all. still hardly ever. but sometimes you at least need like one halfassed establishing shot yknow. anyways

mmm this has all been kinda vague and i’m trying to think if there’s anything more specific i could/should talk about!! i dont know. i dont have a good perspective on what its like to look at my art while not being me lol & what ppl might think or what stands out to them or whatever. rip

sorry this is so long, i dont really have ppl wanting to know abt my Processes or drawing thoughts or whatever so i’m kinda jumping at the chance to talk about this sort of stuff after having been actually prompted to. but i dont know if i’ve said anything at all!! i dont know if any of it has been helpful

“tldr; i dont really know what im doing, but go ahead and jump into actually making them as opposed to feeling like youre ready / you know the best way to make a page, because nobodys ever ready or can say This Is The Best Possible Version so just go ahead and use whatever process feels like it makes your life easier, while still actually making the damn comic” is my whole thing, i guess

i dunno, if there was some specific thing you wanted to know abt that i didnt talk about / talk about well here, feel free to ask me to specify because i totally will, which is both an invitation and a warning obviously

sorry this is so long everybody…….writing an essay & by the end of it not being sure if ive given any info at all is part of my whole Thing

[adriennescomingbacktolife]

           There it was.    The Baltimore City Championship. Resplendent in all of its glory. The golden plates shimmered in the overhead lighting. Encased in glass, it rested on a dark red velvet pillow.    Adrienne Levi shared that bright spotlight. She would be one of the women competing for the honor of representing Carnage Wrestling and its home city at the 100th edition of Chaos. Sitting in a chair, elevated far off the ground, she adjusted a mic clip to the collar of her logo t-shirt.    Looking at the camera, she smiled and asked, “We on?”    The red recording light on the camera answered that question for her. Adrienne exhaled sharply as she considered her words. Here she was, on stage, speaking to an opportunity that rarely comes. Earned through unorthodox means. Against an adversary that had been her partner for the last month.    “I haven’t talked about this much,” Adrienne said as she gestured to the championship on her right, “and to tell the truth, it’s because I didn’t totally believe that this would happen. Everyone has been so gracious in their assessments. That I deserve this. That I’ve come a long way.”    Smiling graciously, she cast a small glance towards the case.    “Thank you.”    Steepling her hands in her lap, Adrienne leaned forward.    “These past few weeks have been challenging. Losing stinks but that isn’t what this is about. I’m not the sort of girl who dwells on one bad night at work.”    Thinking back to former champion Eli Goode, he became more and more unhinged with every defeat. His delusion grew as he talked about which championships mattered and didn’t. It had consumed him.    And everyone now seemed to be an enemy to him. Things that had never been said by her were attributed to her without a second thought.    Nervous to admit, Adrienne saw a strange parallel emerging in her current circumstances.    “No, that isn’t it. I told you all right away. I’m not new to this industry. I don’t have the accolades or credibility of all of you, but that’s okay. Everything I’ve earned has been right here this year. But prior to Carnage, I was,” Adrienne paused, reaching behind her to retrieve a folded up photograph. Carefully, she opened it. For just a second, her eyes narrowed, and her expression could be construed as contempt. She turned the photo forward before continuing. “This was me.”    Adrienne was certainly right in the corner, but this was the “first autograph” she had shared earlier this summer. Someone else was featured prominently: “Magnificent” Danny Levi.    “Well, Danny and me.”    She tossed it aside, and the piece of bent up glossy paper floated down onto the wooden stage.    “You can draw your own conclusions here. Or if you want to, go on to YouTube and look up Danny Levi’s Greatest Hits. I’ve given up trying to remove the compilation of every time he struck me. Clearly, people enjoy watching it more than anything else he ever did. And as you all know, he’s gone.”    This had been no real secret. It’s just something she didn’t want to talk about much. Recent events had forced her hand.    Softer this time, she said, “He’s gone.”        That night was not Adrienne’s best effort. She had been a non factor against Axton Gunn and Sebastian Hawke. Leaving The Dragon Lady to twist in the wind. And in the end, they had lost.    Not that she really cared. Uncharastically, Adrienne left the show early. Within twenty minutes, she was back at Kohaku’s apartment, slowly emptying an unwieldy three-liter jug of zinfandel. Getting on Twitter, she poured out her guts and then logged off. Should have probably not pressed Send on those. Setting down her glass, she hiccuped. Feeling queasy, she realized this was a poor idea. However, it was the only thing she could do to take off the edge.    Everything piled up, and anyone who she thought would understand - was possibly part of the problem. Or reminded her.    The fox had held to his word. Phone number no longer worked. He was long gone. All that was left was that confusing book. Something she couldn’t even wrap her mind around with the rockstar around.    Axton Gunn had upset the apple cart.    It wasn’t him exactly, it was --    There was a sharp knock at the door.    Adrienne tried to remember if she had ordered delivery. Or if it was just one of those “wine and me” sort of evenings.        But before she could get off from the couch, the door opened. She sat there, dumbfounded, as Danny Levi sauntered through the doorway. He had cleaned up nice. Always valued a nice fitting suit.    Giving her a little wave, he smiled, “Surprised, aren’t you?”    “How?”    Raising an eyebrow, he pointed to the wine with an appraising look. “What do you think, Ade?”    Waltzing into the kitchen, he opened the fridge.    Disappointed, he called back out to her. Adrienne hadn’t left the couch as she stared at the still open door, “You aren’t a very generous host, are you? I could go for a nice porterhouse right now.”    Danny entered the living room. Nonchalantly, he plopped down on the couch next to his wife.    “I mean if I weren’t wormfood.” Laughing incredulously, he placed a warm hand on Adrienne’s shoulder. She closed her eyes. His exclamation pierced her mind with ease, “Goddamn. You can’t even look at your old man?”    “Cuz, you aren’t real.”    With deep, slow breathing, she tried to refocus on the night she had been having prior.    “Of course, I’m not real, you dumb bitch. So, just look at me.”    Danny’s arm shot forward, grasping her jaw and twisting her head towards him. He spoke low, hissing through his teeth, “Look. At. Me.”    Adrienne’s slowly opened her eyes. Danny Levi smiled that crooked grin. On closer inspection, his skin was pallid, and he looked like he hadn’t rested for a long long time.    “Good girl.”    He let go. Danny eyed the contents of the coffee table, besides the wine that is. Adrienne had been signing a stack of autographs to mail out in the next few days.    “Doing alright for yourself, aren’t you?” He said insincerely. Grabbing one up, he eyed up the promo photo. It was one in her new full bodysuit. She smiled at the camera, fists balled up, and ready to right. Her looping signature was bold and elegant. “What the fuck are you even wearing here?”    “I like it.”    “Nobody cares what you like.” Chuckling, he moved on, tossing the photo back on the pile. “You remember the good old days? That little blue dress. The first few rows would always try to see up your skirt. Don’t blame them; you were a good piece of ass, Ade.”    Danny pantomimed a chef’s kiss. Adrienne looked back towards the door, and she could have sworn he had left it open as he strolled in.    “Be serious. This is just the worst of who I was. How you choose to remember me, right? We haven’t talked in so long. I know you said goodbye. Disposed of me like garbage. Tossed away that ring of yours into the drink. Moved far, far away. And promised that you’d never think of me again.”    Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, Danny drew her in. He smelled of decay.    “But thanks to Axxxxxton,” sarcastically, he exaggerated his name in a manner she was familiar with, “I found you.”    “Wasn’t his fault.”    “I know, I know. Could have been anyone. Fitting it was that piece of Cali trash. Remember the time when I tore up that special poster. Signed just for you, and you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Moped around for days until I set you straight.”    Danny messed her hair up with an affectionate nuzzle.    “You always come around eventually.”    Adrienne swallowed hard. His imagined touch repulsed him. This past summer, she had seen and heard things she couldn’t begin to explain. And here was another one. But she knew he was gone. She saw the light leave his eyes.    “Side effects of becoming a drunk, I suppose. See, you can run away from mommy, but I’ll always be inside you. Like a parasite, Adrienne.”    Abruptly pushing her away, he then stood up.    “Anything to say for yourself?”    Staring at the ground, Adrienne mumbled to herself, “What’s the point?”    “None really,” he concluded, “I just wanted to see if you had it in you. Here’s your chance. You’re the hero of the story, and I’m the villain. Look at me with all of my flaws, and you’d see I ended up being a truly despicable person. And here you are. You know the truth, you’re right down in the hole with me. You are moldering beside me. You keep manifesting these ways out, but fuck, none of them are real.”    Danny started to take off his suit jacket, folding it neatly on a chair next to the couch.    “So, maybe I should stick around. Perhaps every night, when you’re all by your lonesome, I’ll drop by. We can reminisce about all of the bad times. Maybe you throw me a fuck for old time’s sake. Maybe Fairman takes a break from his eternal rest, and you swallow him whole. As awful as I was, I was always a generous man. You gotta give me that.”    She shook her head, unsteadily. He sat down in the chair. Unzipping his fly, Danny signaled to her with a disingenuous suggestive tone.    “Danny’s had a long day, Ade. Why don’t you--”    Her phone chimed. It startled her, but it also made her realize that she was alone in the literal sense. Gathering her scruples, Adrienne clicked on the notification.    A brief, direct message from Matt Knox. Yo. kidYou're lovedSee you at 100        “I’m just trying to start over.”    Adrienne recalled the conversation she had with Amber last month. Ultimately, she just wanted to prove Danny wrong. She never considered that she’d become so attached to the people here to the point where she would quit an unsatisfying but secure job. Or running away from her family like she were some wronged teenager.    “It hasn’t been smoothest road. But this shot represents something I’ve never had. I’ve always stood in someone else’s shadow. And while I’m not that impressive compared to others, I’ve worked hard to get better.”    She paused, giving the belt another look. Who wouldn’t fantasize about that moment? She would bask in the glow of victory, holding that championship high.    “I deserve this.”    That statement hung in the air. It was something that many have said. Depending on who, it always took on a different feel.    “But not more so than The Dragon Lady.”    Adrienne wanted to give this woman her utmost attention. It was time.    “I guess I’d like to apologize to you formally about the last match. My head wasn’t in the game, and it cost us against a unit that had something to prove. To some, that makes things interesting. Personally, It hasn’t changed much. This was going to happen either way. The next Baltimore City Champion will be one of us.” Adrienne chuckled briefly, “Is that enough sports cliches for you?”    She steeled her resolve. Adrienne always found these next moments difficult, and after Axton, she was perhaps more reluctant than ever.    “We’ve spent a lot of time together. Trained. Ate together. I even met your manager.”    Mameha was impressive. She enjoyed her company, and the excellent tea certainly helped.    “But we always knew that everything led to 100. That every action would be measured. These past few times, I guarantee we’ve studied each other just as much as our opponents. I know my weaknesses. I know that I can’t match your skill or ability. I don’t possess the knowledge you have when it comes to a good fight. But that’s the thing.”    She paused, emoting that this was a realization for the audience to hear.    “I don’t need to. I just need to be me. I know this will be the most challenging match of my life. You aren’t some cartoon villain like Grant or Winter. You’re not lashing out at shadows like Eli Goode. You’re one of the most formidable opponents I’ll ever step into the ring with. Some of your decisions have perplexed others. You gave up an opportunity for the Chaos title to roll in the mud with Alex Winter. It’s not hard to see why.”    Adrienne thought back briefly to Winter. Nobody seemed to be learning the nature of this guy. Every action creates a reaction. Whoever chose to accost Alex has only made it worse.    “He gets under your skin. And by hook or crook, he humiliated you. I think we were fortunate against the likes of Goode and Matthews. Your attention seemed to be on Alex Winter that evening.” She raised her pointer finger in the air as to qualify her statement, “This isn’t to say that you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time but could have been a different story if Goode or Matthews were actually on the same page.”    And that brought her to their most recent outing.    “And while I was far from my best against Gunn and Hawke, I would be remiss if they didn’t get credit for their outstanding teamwork. Their game plan was simple.”    Taking a moment, she leaned forward.    “You.”    And she hated to admit that, but the strategy was plain as day.    “At first, I considered this to be an exhibition of sorts. I had my apprehensions about Axton Gunn. I’ve explained it enough. Sebastian was a little abrasive at first, so it was strange to hear such shining praise from his lips. But I think what you did only served to put a fire under them. It gave them the motivation to work together and wipe away that initial sting of defeat. I still don’t know either of them very well. Axton, sure. He’s a big deal. But personally?” Adrienne shook her head. “So I would hope that this championship is your focus this week.”    The camera panned out slightly to put Adrienne and the title in the shot.    “Because I wouldn’t be a student of the game if I didn’t take advantage. I want to become champion. I’m not sure if I can say it any better. I’m not like the Jack Michaels of old. I’m not Mitch. Or Silvio. Or anyone else for that matter. I just know that it’d mean a lot to represent this company. A company that, despite whatever issues linger, gave me a chance. It would mean everything for me to represent a city and a community that has welcomed me with open arms.”    Shrugging her shoulders, she concluded, “I guess it would make me happy.”    Adrienne shared a little smile. Not a lot to smile about recently. But again, that little fantasy took root. It would be awful nice. She had a guest coming, and with every passing conversation with Sylvia, she thought it would be cool if she saw her win that title. Retrieving a little slip of paper from her jeans pockets, she read it to herself.    “I’ve been thinking about this a lot. The Dragon Lady probably knows what this is or at least whose handwriting this is.” Tapping a finger against the note, she said, “She’s right. Just a few months ago, I was huffing and puffing my way through my debut against Starburst. And before that, my life was just passing me by because I don’t think I understood who I am. Who I could be. I’m not sure I should be so definite here, but these chances like this don’t come often. I have to seize this opportunity. It won’t come easy. But this right here is my story, my life, and yeah, this might be my only chance for it. I’m choosing to rise and become a champion this city can be proud of.”    Tucking the note back away, she then slid off the chair onto her feet. She didn’t fall on her face on camera, fortunately.    “I hope that’s okay with you. But either way, that’s who I am. A champion in the making. The future. Whatever else others want to say.”    Danny Levi’s specter remained, and so maybe it didn’t have to be one thing or other. Adrienne could fall in love with this business, and at the same time, she could take everything he had ever had. His claim to fame. His success. And more…    Adrienne Levi’s mouth twisted in a slightly mischievous smile. Knowing she could get away with this, and it would infuriate him.    “Maybe at the end of the night, you’ll just call me Magnificent.”

[goldscythe]

Bent and Broken

Been too long since I've written here, to be honest. I know there's probably nobody reading, but... Oh well... At least I get things off my chest.

I've been with Kela's Nuotti rehabilitation program for some time now, once a month for 2 hours with the coach. Mostly been with me talking, but I've got some goals set up towards getting some structure for my weeks. I don't want to just float around anymore.

When I look in the mirror, I see the same 15-yo girl who didn't want to go anywhere, because there was nowhere to go. I'm just fatter and look more tired. I guess that's because I'm 28 now. I look back and I've come far. I'm happily hitched, two cats, rented apartment and a hobby.

That's where I start to see differences. I look around. Some have illnesses and they cope with them, some are just as hopelessly unemployed as I am and some have jobs and steady income that doesn't evaporate 12hrs after it's been deposited in their accounts. What have I achieved in the eyes of others?

I'd say nothing. Sure, some people have it worse, but I feel like a failure for not being able to help the person closest to me. For not being good enough or confident enough to get a job. To support that way. What I'd like to have? A job that I can stand and feel it's worth getting my ass up and out. A pay that I don't have to count every cent of can we get groceries and cat food and litter plus the bills and rent and last until the next pay...

Life likes to throw wrenches at me like Ratchet, with too great of accuracy for my taste. We had savings and our computers broke. I had money and the car repairs were way over what money I got monthly. The second repairs drained the savings again. I'm tired of penny-pinching. The stress is putting a huge strain on me.

I know people would say get a fucking job. It is easier said than done. Right now, Finland does have more jobless people than workplaces open, but compatibility... You can't stuff a ball through a square-shaped hole, you know, we all tried as a kid, I bet.

I might see a job that would be interesting and I'm actually thinking of it, until few hours later, I realize I wouldn't be good at it. I'm afraid.

Afraid of being a failure.

I'm afraid of failing.

Few times I've tried my best, only to fail and get told that it wasn't the right way. I can't handle it. Go ahead, you can criticize my art, I know I'm not good at it, but I like doing it and I try, but god... whatever else I do and it tears me apart.

Thrice in Lankava I just wanted to drop everything and walk out, never to return. I fucking tried!

Almost every other day, I just wanted to drop everything and hop in my car and drive away from Powerpark. The register was just too complex for me and I couldn't grasp the details even after the whole season.

Few times I just wanted to sit and cry in the grass when doing park maintenance, I don't know shit about taking care of flowers or anything, I was tossed in and had to hit the ground running.

In the Children's Culture Center, I was so underqualified I'm amazed why they hired me? How bad was the other applicant that showed up?! I was completely lost with everything and just... flopped around like a fish out of water.

At the call center, that's where I broke the first time from getting chewed out by an angry customer for my mistake. The place wasn't really good, but it broke me. It simply broke me. I can barely call anyplace nor keep my shit together if my old mistakes are brought out. I wish I could thank the Swedish coworker who tried to console me. That job wasn't worth it.

People make mistakes and I am always aware of them, but I'd love to just rave at everyone's face that I'm trying, don't tell me where I went wrong. I am trying my fucking hardest.

I don't really try anymore. Not so people can see. I don't want to hear about my mistakes. I've made them and will continue to make. I just want to forget they ever happened. I know I'm trying to shut the world out. Shut the negativity out. It's just... it's like trying to block one of the nozzles in a fountain.

Why try when you know it's going to blow up in my face?

Why bother?

Why should I go to be the spitoon?

I don't have the answers for those. I wish somebody had. Go through that shit for money isn't what I wish for, but I tend to live in dreamland. None of you probably wonder why if you read my other slice of life shits.

This is my darkness. This is something not even my imaginary friends can save me from. I know I should just... grow the hard skin back now that it has been peeled off. I guess the shit was easier to take from the family in the form of always-broken promises, but it's the same shit that life keeps giving me, so it cannot be that either.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world could burn and I don't care. Other times I just... want to be someone people can trust. That people would trust me and look at me with a smile, with no lies to me.

...see why I don't really even apply for jobs? Why I see the psychotherapist and am in a rehabilitation program? I might look like a well-functioning 28-yo adult. Yet inside, I'm still that confused and broken, angry teen who just resigned to fate and was planning to be a bum under the bridge.

I was exhausted of expectations from everyone and fighting their visions by the time I was 20. I've tried to get a job and enjoy it, do it to my best abilities, but not being good enough. There's only one person who thinks I'm good enough and we live together. I'd probs be still holed up in that tiny village and write stories on the computer in the upstairs of my grandparents, in my childhood home. Without her, I'd be nothing.

Now I'm a wife and a cat mom. A doll modifier. A jewelry maker. A shy writer. None of that pays, but it keeps me alive and sane. If I was ever sane in the first place. I dunno. I've never been like others. I've never known how to do things others do.

Getting a job is a hurdle. Not really my fault either, the job markets are utter crap here. You'd need a million-dollar idea to become an entrepreneur. And you need those fucking million dollars to start that cycle of crap. I just want financial stability. It is just pure impossibility really... At least dreams are free.

I don't like to dream either, they just remind me what I don't have. Money. From a job.

I'm on the road to getting shit done per week, that is one step. I'd just need more help with my mind than can be provided freely. I can't go back either. My hometown is my personal nightmare for me. All the past bad memories flood me. I'm not going back to live, not until I'm better.

If I'm ever getting better.

One thing I have stopped dreaming about completely though. Losing weight. Granny told me I was never gonna lose weight since I had her body type. Well, she is right. Do I hate my body? Yeah, duh, you are lucky you haven't seen it. What do I do about it? Nothing. Nothing's gonna change anyway. My ass and thighs are never fitting in any nice clothes and my gut makes me look preggers, so I just wear oversized clothes. I'm done caring. If she still wants to wake up every morning next to me, even if I'm like this, so be it =)  I'm very much fine with it. I don't care really about myself in physical sense.

I know it shows. One classmate said that the first time she saw me, she had thought that I'd be pretty if I just looked after myself. I never trusted her again, even if she promised to help defend me against rumors. Let them talk if it's their only hobby. In that town, it is the only thing to do. Gossip on others.

I did look around the other day, seeing all these things we've collected but never seem to have time for them and I felt sad. We've put so much love and effort into them. Then what? When we're gone? Who cares of them? Who is there to read their stories? I'm almost tempted to embark in that journey next November. To give them all a voice. Starting from my old imaginary friends. Somebody should hear their stories. Fanfiction-y and impossible they are, but it's our DollWorld. Our stories.

Maybe I should. I don't want this all to go to waste.

Ok, maybe the rant is over. I've unloaded a lot off my chest. Some might call this just attention whoring. It's not, since it's not on IG or Twitter or FB. I'm the type who needs to get things off my mind and out on paper or in digital form. Then I feel better.

A lot has changed and I miss the old times. When I was 15. This new world is harsh and cruel and twisted. Maybe that's the reason for Selenia to exist. It's a safe haven for us. A place where everything is well. It's in this doll room and in our minds and in our word docs. It's in our dreams.

I'm 28. I don't have a job. I love dealing with fashion dolls and handcrafts. I love music, heavy metal in particular. I wish I could turn one of my hobbies into a business, but I know I'm not good enough. I know I'm lazy, but that could also be me being... tired. Tired of failing. Tired of being scared.

Yeah... that gotta be it.

[inhandnetworks-blog]

Quora Question: What Does it Feel Like to Go From Wealthy to Poor?

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Quora Questions are part of a partnership between Newsweek and Quora, through which we'll be posting relevant and interesting answers from Quora contributors throughout the week. Read more about the partnership here.

Answer from Michael Aumock:

The global financial crisis destroyed me in 2008. The years immediately after were some of the worst years of my life. I lost everything, or at least I thought I did.

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As it turns out, I didn't lose much at all (assuming you don’t count approximately $3 million in real estate equity and a couple of hundred thousand dollars in cash, as “much”).

I was in Vegas when Lehman Brothers folded. It was my birthday, and it was the first time I’d ever lost big there. I should have known something wicked was coming, but I didn’t. So when my consulting contract didn’t get renewed, I didn't panic. I kept doing business as usual. When my tenants defaulted on rent, I kept paying mortgages. A year later, I still had $50,000 plus in the bank, enough of a cushion.

I suppose at this time I should make you aware that I was not exactly a low-profile person. I was (and am) in luxury goods and hospitality, and I consulted with companies catering to high net worth individuals. I helped them design sales and business strategies to keep their clients happy in the short and long term. Needless to say, the luxury sector was massacred, and is still clawing its way out of the muck and mire, at least in the United States.

So, with enough money to float for six to 10 months, I kept looking for work in my field.

And looking, and looking. Nothing.

Any kind of business consulting, nothing. Six more months go by. Any kind of sales, nothing. Six more months. This was where it got scary. I was up for waiting tables, bartending, limo driving, grocery bagging, anything. But nope. Bear in mind that up until this point, I had never even gone a month without a job since I was 12 years old.

My confidence was shot. I mean decimated. I was a shell of the man I had been only two years previously. I had the stink of failure all over me.

A friend of mine owned a couple of car washes. He offered me a job. It was outside work, taking orders when people drove in to the wash. "Would you like the undercarriage done?" It was winter in Colorado. I declined.

I was sharing a huge house at the time with my best buddy and his new girlfriend, who became his fiancé, and we were all broke. It was brutal. I don’t think I would have made it without them. I was depressed and miserable. I’m lucky they didn’t bury me in a snow bank and leave me there. I’m sure there were times they wanted to.

“Cocky” doesn’t do failure well.

My buddy with the car wash called again a few weeks later. I said no again. Not just because of the embarrassment. Not just because of the cold weather and the elements, or standing on my feet for 10 hours a day on concrete without wi-fi.

It was because of my father.

Almost every good father has a catch phrase that he uses to motivate his sons to do better than he did. Typically, it’s the threat of being stuck doing any minimum-wage job that no teenager from the Gekko era would ever aspire to. For some reason, the example that my father chose was “car wash.” We’d go through Towne Auto Wash after Little League and he’d always point to that guy who asks, “Do you want a regular wash or deluxe?” and then hands you that little piece of paper.

“Mickey,” he’d say. “You have to save some money/get better grades/quit chasing girls/do your homework. You don’t want to end up like that guy, working in a car wash, do you?” The last time I heard the speech was around 1996. The words, however, hung in the air for years to come.

So, you can see my quandary. To me, working in a car wash was the ultimate admission of failure. Not losing all my assets. Not selling my watches and cars. Not letting go of a few rugs and some art.

I was living with friends, driving a 17-year-old car, had less than $200 in the bank with no idea where the next $200 was coming from, and I was worried about being seen as a failure.

A little deluded? Perhaps, but reality kicked in when I didn’t have money for a niece’s birthday present.

So I called my friend back and asked if I could still have the job at the car wash. My utter failure as a human being was complete, my humiliation final—or so I thought.

On my third day of dragging myself in to work, the raven-haired stunner that I’d hired as my assistant five years previous pulled in—driving a brand new Lexus.

Now my humiliation was complete. There was nowhere to run, no place to hide.

And yet, just as I was about to die from shame, something happened that literally changed my life. She smiled, jumped out of her car, pointed her Louboutins right at me, ran over and gave me a hug. We chatted for about 10 minutes while her car was getting done. She said she was happy to see me, that I’d been a great boss, and that she was glad I was working. “So many” of her friends (able-bodied twenty-somethings) were unemployed, and at least I wasn’t trapped behind a desk.

I realized that I’d been beating myself up needlessly and saw how lucky I truly was.

A trader works on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, October 15, 2008, as stocks tumbled. Reuters

In that instant, I decided that instead of just showing up until I could find something better, I would use all my skills to increase my friend’s business, and I did. Over the next few months, something amazing happened to me. Something I never saw coming, and something that impacted my life and made me a better man.

I saw hundreds of people every day, and none of them thought I was a failure, and it energized me. I smiled. They smiled back. I was happy and engaging, and I sold about a gazillion deluxe washes. But also, my worst fear morphed into something I started to look forward to. I got my confidence back, and it was obvious. I saw dozens of people I knew—clients, old customers, friends I’d lost touch with, and every single one of them said something positive.

They respected me.

They held me in higher esteem for seeing me in the cold, wearing a red nylon jacket with a car wash logo on it. Nobody made fun of me or called me names. Nobody laughed. There was even an article in a local lifestyle magazine about me.

They respected me for doing what had to be done (I’m sure a few were secretly happy that I’d been taken down a few pegs, but hey, we’re all human, right?)

The truth of my situation was laid bare for the world to see. There’s no way to spin a story when you are asking people if they want the basic or deluxe wash. There’s no amount of charm of polish or bullshit that can hide the truth.

I was working in a car wash—and nobody thought I was a failure. Not even my father.

Then, about six months later, one of my old clients called. He needed some help setting up a new luxury club. We put a deal together and when I resigned from the car wash, my friend was genuinely sad, saying I was the best employee he'd ever had.

I approached that new consulting contract with a vigor and zest for life I hadn’t felt for years! A few months after that, another contract took me to Asia, and I’ve been consulting over here ever since.

So, my worst fear turned out to be my salvation.

It gave me confidence, paid my bills for a while and put me in a position to move my company to Asia and have access to an abundance of new cultures and growing markets.

Sure, I’m not quite back to where I was that day nine years ago in Vegas, but I have a red nylon jacket with a car wash logo on it that reminds me that for my version of success, I don’t have to be.

What does it feel like to go from being wealthy to being poor? originally appeared on Quora—the knowledge-sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. More questions:

Wealth: What should I do with the money I am making?

Poverty: How did you become homeless?

What Does It Feel Like to X?: What does it feel like to be in combat behind enemy lines?

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[rkarim360]

Beach is better

It’s a really odd and ethereal feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror. You get this bland expressionless face staring back into your soul. The dead eyes following your every move, thinking the same thoughts performing the same actions. That reflection looked exactly the same over the flowing glistening water at the beach. The shallow waves crashing and descending back into the ocean as the ripples disfigured my reflection, all apart from my eyes. Giving me that same disappointing stare I seem to sport every now and again, and by every now and again I mean almost all the time now.

 The sand feels nice and cool on my legs as I stare endlessly at the abyss that my reflection consists of. I grow tired of looking at this bland and tired face that stares back at me so I reach into the water and swish and splash my hands around hoping to distort it enough that it doesn’t return. When I touch the water the cool blue water seeps into my pores and I feel endless for a second. The soft ocean grabs a hold of my hand as I lather it in the water. The sun beaming down creating a streak of glowing water that is almost as clear as a mirror. I can see my hands through this sunbeam. And as I continue to swish my hand through my reflection my face distorts, my eyes do not move, but my smile. My smile. For a second I could swear that my expressionless lips gave way to a brief smile for a second and it looked absolutely incredible. For a second I could almost reach and grasp at the happiness that was in this glowing water. But when I removed my wet hand from the water the reflection fixed itself back to its original position.

 I sat down and instead of fixating on my reflection I just decided to take in the reflection of the sun on the glowing sea. The water was a deep blue that glowed through a streak of sun that parted the sea down the middle. It was picturesque. I tried to draw this view in my mind so that I would never forget the breathtaking landscape before me. But I couldn’t. While I was trying to take in this glorious view I could see the sun setting and a cold wind blowing in from the west. The water started to shimmer and instead of glowing a deep blue it began to turn white.

 I jumped back to my knees and tried to look at my reflection in the water. Nothing. There was nothing to be seen. I quickly reached down to touch the water but was met with a cold icy surface.

A chill was sent rocketing up my spine as I sat in this cold endless ocean surrounded by never ending darkness. There was nobody around me. In front was the iced wasteland, and in every other direction was darkness. I looked at the ground and saw myself kneeling in a small patch of sand. But I could not see what was a few feet away from me. I was floating on a patch of sand.

 The sand then started to rise pebble by pebble. Until I could feel myself also rising. Rising slowly off the ground as if I were being abducted. Higher and higher I began to rise until I could not even see the ice, or the sand that was previously around me. There was just nothing. Empty bleak darkness. I couldn’t even tell if I was still rising. Until everything stopped. I felt as if I was finally not moving anymore, but still floating in this empty landscape, tethered by nothing but gravity I guess.

 Suddenly I felt as if a trap door underneath my collapsed as I started to fall for what seemed like minutes. Continuously falling through this darkened abyss unable to tell where I was headed.

 The speed I was falling continued to rapidly speed up. I was losing my grip on reality, I looked down at my hands but could only see blurs, the darkness was consuming my vision.

 I couldn’t see anything anymore. I couldn’t even tell if I still had my limbs, if I was still able to feel anything besides my descent. My thoughts started to become sparser and fade away with the rest of my existence.

Nothing was left.

 ***

The sun started to rise and create a glimmering effect on the water as it shone a light blue tint and the waves started to grow in excitement--

Here it is. Another weird pseudo deep story that doesnt make any sense with the typical rap song as a shitty title. But hey, i’m finally getting back into the groove of writing I guess. Because this is the first complete story i’ve written in a year i think. I havent been doing much since then besides listening to Blond over 1000 times, and getting about 1000 more twitter followers on my other account (that’s a secret though). Oh, and the usual, being sad, getting curved, listening to sad music. Y’know the Rahim experience ha ha. Well, i hope you enjoyed this.