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not-poignant · 1 year

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How much does money effect how and what you write? If money wasn't an issue would you write more or less? Or would you still write but go with different ideas?

As a professional artist myself I sometimes ponder what projects I'd choose to do if I wasn't worried about finances. Because sometimes the things we want to create aren't financially viable, and that can really put a limit on our creative freedom and potential. But it's sometimes nice to daydream right

Hi hi anon,

Tbh I don't know how to easily answer these questions, because I do need money to live, and that's tied into my writing, so it's hard to imagine exactly how things would change.

Generally speaking, I'm quite a... rebellious writer, in the sense that I work hard to find readers who like what I do, vs. writing to market or writing for broad or wide audiences. The former would net me more money, faster. But I don't really do anything the 'right' way, I do it in the way that is the most fun for me.

So wherever possible, I am actually trying to do the things that best explore my creative freedom and potential. I tried writing more to market with Perth Shifters and while I don't regret writing those books, I don't love them like others do and I can't reread them, and didn't really enjoy the process. It actually taught me a lot about the costs of like... trying to do things the 'right way' because it makes more sense from a business perspective.

It didn't make more sense for me. Having unmedicated ADHD for so much of this was definitely a part of that!

Otherwise though, there are things that would change. For a start, I'd work less and take more breaks. I'd also have more nights to myself. I actually sacrifice a lot of evenings (particularly early evenings) to put up chapters in a timezone that's most user-friendly to the majority of people in the northern hemisphere. For many years that actually meant I could never go out and see friends or family on a Friday night.

Now it's Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday (not always, but at least always Thursdays). So when I'm organising cathcing up with people, there's a lot of 'I can't do it that day.'

I'd say money most effects how much I write. I wouldn't have a monthly word-count to hit, if this was just a hobby, for example. I definitely wouldn't write as much! But honestly, I already write less than I used to. Over time, I've realised the things I want/need the most are the things I should be working into my career anyway. Part of being your own boss is not being as much of a cunt to yourself as your other bosses were ;)

And I'm a pretty terrible boss to myself! I'm working on being less of that, lol.

I don't think I'd really write that many different ideas. I'd probably write more fanfiction.

I've been quite lucky, because in many respects, I have altered my writing career to suit me, instead of altering myself to suit a generic writing career. I think the latter is a really great path to permanent burnout, and I've been doing this for almost 10 years, and I feel like I'm figuring it out more and more as time goes by.

I write very self-indulgent stories! I didn't think Falling Falling Stars would be successful, anon. I thought people would hate me for it, I thought I'd lose money for it.

My writing career is running a line between 'I think this will earn money' and 'I think this won't but I'm so obsessed with this project I think others will get obsessed with it too so it might not be as big a risk as I fear it is.' If anything, anon, Mallory & Mount feels like probably the biggest risk, along with Vexteria, anything that isn't Fae Tales. But I'm going to take those risk/s, because I want to trust that they'll pay off.

I like to think that one of the reasons many of my readers trust me and my writing, is that they know I'm writing the stuff I love the most, in the way I love the most - hurt/comfort and trauma recovery and BDSM in serial format. I'm not forcing myself to be a more typical writer. The downside to that is I don't yet make a liveable income. The upside to that is that I make a steady income with readers who really get this writing, and who are wonderful people.

When I used to work as a professional artist, I pretty quickly started refusing commissions. I don't do writing commissions either. There's so many things I don't do that I could do purely for money. I've made a lot of choices for quality of life, keeping my health in mind, which means the only thing I'd really change anon is nothing really to do with the content, and everything to do with just the amount.

If I had a secure income, I'd write, but I'd write less. And a bit more of it might be fanfiction. But who knows! I hope you can find more ways to make the things that seem like financial dead-ends into something viable. Falling Falling Stars looks like a dead-end from the outside in, it's an 800k novel about a boy learning how to be nicer, and that's it. It has no huge epic plot, it has no especially dense worldbuilding, it's 9-10 times longer than a standard novel. It should never have been financially viable.

Yet it was one of the more successful things I've ever written, and plenty of newcomers into the fandom these days get here via Falling Falling Stars and not Game Theory. Isn't that wild?

Sometimes it's the thing that breaks the rules that still does well. I like to think that's a combination of me really loving the thing, and it having a lot of authenticity in it, which means there's a lot for other folks to resonate with and feel personally. And maybe some skill to pull it off!

I'm very lucky to be where I'm at. But I'm also pretty realistic that I don't think I could be successful if I only made 'financially smart choices' because I would have so little of my heart left in it, that I'd eventually just abandon it entirely.

And frankly, I think a lot of viewers / readers etc. can tell when someone doesn't love something. Or at least, some of them can. It's more fun when we all get to love the same thing together, vs. me writing stuff while thinking 'but I really wish I was writing this other stuff' and my readers loving something I don't. The latter is pretty crushing, and I can't do that. I'd rather work retail, instead of turning a creative career into that.

That's my biggest flaw as a creator, frankly, that I'm selfish enough and indulgent enough that it has to be very much on my terms, and therefore that only appeals to a narrow bandwidth of readers/folks. That doesn't mean I don't work really fucking hard, but I could only work this hard for something that feeds my soul and allows me creative freedom, I'm too sick (literally) to consider any other options.

And if 'money at the expense of creative freedom' was my actual goal, I would do literally any other job that guaranteed an income, because you can make way more consistently doing retail, than you can doing even 'commercially viable writing' in many cases!

#asks and answers #pia on writing #pia on publishing #i didn't start out writing original fiction for a career #i was already following my bliss #so the readers i started with #were the readers who loved what i loved #and over time that's mostly stayed the same #and you know what - when we all kind of love the same thing #even to different degrees #idk... we see writers sometimes in writing groups like #'how do i guarantee an income' and it's like #if you want a guaranteed income get another job #and then work on this on the side #in the meantime #but i'm in a weird position salfkjasd #i tried making choices for 'financial reasons' and i just #found it too crushing to continue #when i continue Perth Shifters it will be on my own terms and it won't be in the constraints of a #'standard novel format' anymore

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maya-matlin · 5 months

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hi my love!!!! 💞💕💗 so I'm rewatching riverdale and wanted to ask you something if you don't mind?? you know I ship bhva and barchie but I just wanted to hear why you love bughead over barchie? I've heard you talk about it before and sorry if you're tired of answering this question lol also is there anything that would've made you ship barchie, like if they write them differently or anything?? ily 😘😘

Hi! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ No, it's okay. To be honest, so much of the reason why I prefer Bughead is that I'm more inclined to prefer that type of couple. Riverdale barely allowed Betty and Jughead to have a friendship pre-Bughead, but something I liked is that they weren't necessarily spending time together and bonding with the idea of falling in love. There was no expectation that it was going to turn into the super serious relationship it was. But, Betty and Jughead bonded over investigating and seeing each other through family problems and came to realize that they were much more similar and compatible than they'd thought. They had this effortless ease and were very passionate about each other. Neither had to change or downplay part of who they were just to feel loved by the other. Betty and Jughead loved all of each other, including each other's flaws. They found a very sweet home and stability within each other. And on top of that, they seemed to have a lot of passion and excitement within the relationship. Rather than adhering to the idea of what couples are supposed to do, they had their own stuff. They discussed investigations in bed and considered searching for clues in the woods a date night. Bughead's relationship was just.. so distinctly them. They shared every aspect of their lives with each other and FELT like best friends in love. It felt like endgame, honestly. Riverdale's writing was always questionable, but in this case their romantic relationship was very well defined. They'd created a couple so ridiculously compatible that only poorly executed plot devices and attempts to bring back years old baggage successfully tore them apart "for good". But even during the time jump years, the handful of times Betty and Jughead were allowed to talk or exist in the same story line and have real conversations, that connection always shone through. It was difficult (at least for me) to see how they couldn't be together when the characters almost demanded they be paired up.

When it comes to Betty's relationship with Archie, it started off as a so-so thing with the potential to turn into something really sweet. At least in season 1. Betty became a much stronger, happier, more confident version of herself once she got over Archie and found love with someone who actually understood her. Once Riverdale finally got around to exploring a romance between Betty and Archie, it came across to me that Betty was a shell of her former self, almost acting out of self hatred, and felt so down on herself that she kept forcing herself to become the ideal partner for Archie while he was allowed to get everything he ever wanted without any attempts to be a better or particularly decent partner to Betty. There's a version of Riverdale where Betty and Archie ending up together could have been a satisfying, full circle ending. The problem is, the concept was abandoned so early on that the most memorable, strongest part of the series seemed dedicated to setting up something much different. Betty no longer felt like the woman who was supposed to end up with Archie. I never bought that Betty felt nearly as loved and as seen as she did with Jughead. On Archie's end, it never felt as though he was particularly passionate about Betty either and just kind of settling for whoever might give him a family.

For me to ship this couple, Archie would have had to be a different type of character. I found myself disliking adult Archie more often than not and felt as though a sexist narrative surrounded the entire BA relationship. Not to mention the way the season 4 cheating played out and Betty and Archie's involvement post-high school. Other shows weren't afraid to explore love triangles between best friends being fucking damaging. On shows like Dawson's Creek and One Tree Hill, it took years for those wounds to heal. Even after they did, the trust issues remained and it took actual effort for things to be even remotely "fine" afterwards. On Riverdale, Jughead and Veronica were hurt by Betty and Archie but weren't allowed to voice their pain TO BETTY AND ARCHIE. So it's like this wasted potential not only for drama, but for the catharsis factor of Veronica and Jughead being allowed to speak their piece. Betty seemed to carry guilt over what happened and struggled for years with self worth as a result. Archie? He just kind of got the red carpet rolled out for him when he returned from the army and never had to deal with any sort of backlash or anything that would complicate things for his life. And that's the kind of character I could never ship with Betty. Bad writing aside, Archie is the kind of person who could be living with and planning a future with Veronica in one episode and in bed with Betty, her best friend and the person he cheated with in high school, in the very next episode.

#userlaylivia #Long post #This is so long #I'm sorry #Riverdale is going to haunt me forever JFC

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russeliarat · 11 months

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So like incredibly short intro for us three hosts. We would introduce you to other members of the system, but we have 100+, possibly way way more so it's very hard to get intros for everyone when we don't know half the people in the noggin'

~-------❁❋❁❋❁❋ .: ʚɞ

❁❋❁❋❁❋~~~~~~Russelia ~~~~~~❁❋❁❋❁❋

So I've been running this blog probably solo for more than a year now, so y'all already know me eheh. My name's Russelia, but call me Russ. I use they/them and flutter/flutterself, and lean very very feminine presenting. I'm the host/co-host, but also function as a main protector for my system, as well as a trauma holder. In headspace, I take the form of a humanoid moth and thus have an obsession with moths - I also have children in headspace whom are varying forms of moths. I'm some form of aroace.

I'm 17 years old but change with the body's age, and I'm taken by another host in a different system <3 I formed ~2020, took over as the primary host around 2021-2022 though was dissociated with our now 'higher up' headmate, and as of recently (July 2023) I gained Jash and Whole as my co-hosts!

Those who knew me as Redd, I was actually blurred with them through a large portion of 2021- April-ish 2023 and believed myself to be them, though they are a different headmate who has too many responsibilities to take the role of host/co-host anymore.

❁❋❁❋❁❋~~~~~~Whole~~~~~~❁❋❁❋❁❋

Writing with Russ's help since apparently no one writes properly enough for em /aff

I'm Whole, CCCC fictive and co-host to the system. 22 years old and I'm taken by another headmate. Because of how marriage works, I'm Russ's stepdad, but they compare us to best friends a lot because we knew each other far before I married their dad. I'm pan, I use he/him.

Formed around May this year (2023) and I function as front's protector and soother, though I'm also a 'higher up' as we like to call the role, I have an admin job for the system essentially - manage system and the new formers, layers, stuff like that, I just get to comfort people and sort out their issues to. We work like a well-oiled clock like that, eh? I prefer to stay silently watching but I'm not against putting my opinions and reblogs here and there.

(Fun fact, Russ thought I was a fever dream when I formed)

❁❋❁❋❁❋~~~~~~Jash~~~~~~❁❋❁❋❁❋

Hey, I'm Jash, I'm a Chonny Jash factive but treat me like I'm my own person (should be an obvious thing but you'd be surprised) I'm eternally stuck at age 20 for some reason, I'm also pan and use he/him pronouns. I'm married to Whole and share memories with Russelia which make us child and father. I function as a protector, comforter and Russ and Whole's co-host. I have an interest in feminine fashion believe it or not

I've got a lot of medical issues, I tend to prefer not to talk about medical issues and stuff, but I'm not totally against chatting about it. We are bodily disabled so at some point I've got to talk about the overlap, right? I'm a bit more vocal than Whole but not as much as Russ, so yk I'll talk here and there. I'm private about my personal life though so don't push it. I find it simply hilarious the entire line up of hosts is one big family, it's incredible. Line up of 'autotune Aussies' or something as Russ puts it /lh /aff

~-------❁❋❁❋❁❋ .: ʚɞ

If there's something we want to individually talk about, we'll use tags for our names:

(examples: -Jash, -Whole, -Russ)

But, if there is none, assume it's either Russ or a combo of all three of us. You'll occasionally see a post with new name tags pop up, these are our other headmates. You'll see this a lot when we're sending asks to our friends' blogs. You can ask about them, but don't expect them/us to answer. If they do, sometimes we'll have to keep information very minimal to protect them such as in the case of a vulnerable headmate or a little for example. Do not harass them for more information, we will not respond or block you depending on the severity.

Lots of people tend to front at once, at one point we have about 20 people in front and it gave us a huge migraine lol, so if a group of people want to talk about something, we'll put multiple names in tone tags. Some of em might decide to colour code each other, let us know if the colours are hard to see ^^

#general haze system stuff #headmate intros #for russ whole and jash :]

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smolwritingchick · 9 months

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Forced To Believe Chapter 35- Morgan's Answer

Chapter Summary: Fed up, Morgan finally gives Punk an answer.

Words: 3,000+

------ 'Raw'

"Welcome to the final Raw of 2013! We are live in Richmond." Cole said as CM Punk walked out to the ring. "CM Punk has been so persistent to get a match with Morgan Lopez. I wonder if he will get a match on the final Raw of 2013."

Punk got in the ring and grabbed a mic as the crowd chanted his name. "I am fired up tonight and I am fired up to be here in Richmond, Virginia! This is the last Raw of 2013 and I am excited. 2013...saw a lot of good stuff happen to CM Punk. Saw a lot of bad stuff, happen to CM Punk too. Just like all of you, there's ups and there's downs. We go and wake up every morning with a smile on our face, don't we? Well, I mean, sometimes I don't have a smile on my face but, I started off the year as the longest reigning WWE Champion in the last 25 years. I went one on one with the Great One. Thank you."

"I went toe to toe, with The Undertaker at WrestleMania." Punk continued. "I made some friends in 2013, I lost some friends in 2013. I beat a friend with a kendo stick." he coughed twice. "Paul Heyman. But I can't honestly claim that 2013 was CM Punk's year. The goal is for you to always be bigger and better than you were the last year, I just don't know if 2013 was the year of Punk. Take a look at the landscape in the WWE and it's Universe. And there's three guys and one chick that I can honestly claim, that it was their year, and I'm talking about The Shield."

"Let's face facts ladies and gentlemen, back in 2013, The Shield has been unstoppable. Dean Ambrose, currently your United States Heavyweight Champion. Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, former tag team champions. And there's Morgan, former Diva's Champion. I want to end this year right and start the new year off on a good foot. Iron sharpens iron, I have a proposition for The Shield. So at some point tonight, when our paths cross, because I'm sure they're here-"

'Sierra'

'Hotel'

'India'

'Echo'

'Lima'

'Delta'

'Shield'

"Yes, they are," JBL said.

Punk started to grin. "That was almost too easy."

The Shield walk down the steps and through the crowd while Morgan is in front of them. She tags some hands and jumps over the barricade in her Shield attire. Dean throws his title over the barricade and jumps over it while Seth grabs his belt and looks confused.

Morgan shrugs and holds his title when they all get in the ring. She puts Dean's belt over her shoulder and stands near the turnbuckle while the guys stand in front of Punk.

"Finish your thought Punk. Finish your thought, what were you gonna say?" Dean asked. "What's your big challenge? It better be a good one, you better give us a good reason, not to end 2013 by ending you, right now." he pointed at him

Morgan decided to mind her business and chill out. She wanted nothing to do with Punk, right now. He would cause more drama.

"Cool down. Look, the three of you can beat any one man, I think we've established that in the past 365 days," Punk said. "And I'm not taking anything from you as a unit. But when I said, Iron sharpens iron, I live to be the best and I wanna fight the best, one on one, so I wanna know who it's gonna be because out of one of you, out of the three of you, excuse me, one of you is the best."

"Oh~ you wanna do this again? You wanna do it again? Let's do it, right now and this time, I promise, I'm not leaving until I take a piece of you with me. Let's do this right now."

Punk laughed slightly. "Hang on...ha...Dean, I wasn't-I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins."

Dean looked offended and the crowd started to cheer.

"I've already beaten you like half a dozen times," Punk added. "And what I'm saying is, it wasn't easy, but I did it."

"You think that's funny?"

"No, I don't think it's funny"

"You think it's funny?"

"I think it's the truth-"

"You think I'm a joke!? You think you can talk to me like that!?" Dean got held back by Roman while Morgan looked warily at the situation.

"I don't think you're a joke, Dean Ambrose, I just think you're the weak link! And I wanna find out who the strong one of The Shield is. Everybody's talking about Roman Reigns, Roman Reigns, Roman Reigns look at me when I'm talking to you!" Punk demanded while the crowd 'Ohs' in response.

Roman was trying to calm down Dean but turned his head to Punk.

"Is it you?" Punk wondered. "Are you number one in The Shield? Are you the man"

"Hey!" Seth interrupted. "You wanna know who the best is?"

"Yeah," Punk replied.

"You're lookin' at him. I'll fight you, tonight. I'll fight you. Tonight, let's do it." he said as Roman gave him a look.

Morgan looked at them and started to get upset. Punk was just playing with their heads, to try to put them against each other.

"Oh, it's you? Cause all I hear anybody talking about is Roman Reigns." Punk recalled.

Roman stepped up to Seth. "What are you talkin' about?" He asked.

Dean kept pacing around, still annoyed at what Punk told him earlier.

"You don't think I can take him?" Seth asked.

"It ain't that, you're falling for his games right now," Roman exclaimed.

"That's not it."

"You know I'm the best."

"I can take him tonight."

"I'm the man. I'll take him."

"Let me take him, all right? No bones on you my friend. I can beat him, he calls himself the best in the world, I'm better than him." Seth said as Dean stepped up to them, scratching his head. "I want to prove it tonight."

The crowd started to chant 'Roman Reigns' while Seth said "Listen, you'll get your time."

Rollins turned his attention back to Punk. "Let's do this."

"Enough!" Morgan yelled and everyone turned to look at her and the crowd cheered. "What are you doing?! Don't do this!"

"What are you talkin' about?" Seth asked.

Morgan grabbed a mic from a producer and gave Dean his title. "Am I the only one with some sense here? You're falling for his games. He's getting in your head. There's no weak link in The Shield. We don't need to prove anything. Let's not get worked up on this." She tried to reason with her teammates.

"Ah...I forgot about a certain woman..." Punk spoke up as everyone turned to him. The crowd begins to chant Morgan's name. "The Outspoken Diva of The Shield...you kind of remind me of myself, setting off pipebombs and whatnot."

Morgan narrowed her eyes at Punk and turned her attention back to The Shield. "Guys, we don't need to do this. Let's not let Punk get in our heads-"

"Morgan." Punk interrupted.

"He's doing mind games-"

"Morgan!"

"He's not going to break us apart-"

"Morgan, look at me when I'm talkin' to you! You and I have some unfinished business!"

She started to look annoyed and slowly turned to him. "Your persistence is annoying the crap out of me."

"Oh is it?"

"I don't want nothing to do with you"

"You don't?"

"I don't need to prove myself to you."

"You sure about that? Don't you want revenge on me? To give me a backfire? Don't you imagine slamming me to the mat with the Morganizer? I know you do. You would enjoy that, would you?"

She glared at him. "Whatever you are going to ask me, it's a no."

The crowd started to boo at her answer while Punk began to ponder. To try to get on her good side, he decided to use his charm on her by walking up to her. He grabbed her hand and took her away from The Shield.

"What the hell are you doin'?" Dean's possessiveness started to get the best of him. His irritation started to grow while he got held back by Roman.

"She can handle herself," Roman stated

"Morgan..." Punk decided to get on one knee and held one of her hands as she looked confused. Ambrose started mouthing off as Seth and Roman held him back. "Morgan Lopez...you're beautiful, you're hype, you're wild and I see the passion you have in the ring. Out of these men, you show the most heart and soul. The way you move, the way you take risks, it's one of the reasons you stand out from these men and all the WWE divas. Just like you showed me at TLC...Did I charm you yet?"

"No. That was corny." She replied in a blunt tone.

"Okay. You know...I think about you every night..." He grinned while her eyes widened in shock and the crowd cheered loudly in amusement.

"Uh..." She was about to take a step back but Punk had a strong grip while Dean started yelling at him.

"...I think about you in the ring with me every night." Punk continued. "You charmed now?"

"No, but you've creeped me out."

"Darn...okay, look, you are the only diva that I want to be in this ring with...so, Morgan Lopez, will you...make me the happiest man in the world and have a match with me?" he grinned and the crowd chanted 'Yes! Yes! Yes'

She sighed and ran her free hand through her hair. "What a proposal..." She muttered and looked around at the crowd and then at Punk.

Dean decided to grab her and pull her to him as Punk released her hand.

"She's not doing it." Dean declared.

"Oh, I'm sorry, since when do you speak for her? She has a mind of her own, guy I beat twice." Punk retorted and stood up while Morgan started to look conflicted. "Come on Morgan, don't tell me you're going to say no because of Ambrose. Does the WWE Universe want Morgan and I to have a match?"

The crowd cheered loudly in response. Morgan shook her head, saying no while Dean released her.

"Ah...I guess the guys always want to outshine you. You always want to do their dirty work and don't want to take a risk and shine on your own. It looks like you need your team to be successful." Punk added.

The crowd 'Oohs' and Morgan started to look annoyed. Punk turned around, silently counting down to her breaking point.

'3...2...1'

Morgan marched over to him and turned him around. "Listen Asshole!" She yelled, getting in his face. "I'm tired of you provoking me, I'm tired of you taunting me. You want a match?"

"Yeah, I do!" Punk replied.

"You want a friggin' match?! You want a match against The Outspoken diva of the WWE?!" She got held back by Dean and Seth.

"Yeah!"

"You know what? You're on!" Morgan yelled as the crowd exploded. "I accept the damn offer! Happy now!?"

Punk grinned. "Gladly."

"She's nuts," Cole exclaimed. "Going up against CM Punk?"

"She can beat him," JBL said.

"If it means I can shut you the hell up, then I'll fight you, and I'll beat you. If you want to face me so badly, then you got it," Morgan said. "I'm done with this. But let me tell you this...you're going to regret it. Win or lose, I'm going to come at you hard, so don't go easy on me."

"Don't worry, I'm going to teach you some manners since you can't control that mouth of yours." Punk stated as the crowd 'Oohs'

Morgan smirked and was about to lunge at him but got grabbed by Roman.

"Uh oh!" Cole exclaimed.

"Morgan's at her breaking point." King looked on.

"Not tonight. Don't do it." Roman tried to reason as Punk laughed at her.

"Come on, Morgan. Show me what you got. Let's go." Punk provoked as she tried to break free from Roman's hold.

Seth and Dean try to reason with her to calm her down as well.

"Let me hurt him! Let me knock him out! Just one hit, one punch! Let me go!" she yelled.

"Gentlemen and lady, please!" A voice said and Brad came out as Roman released Morgan. "As the general manager of Monday Night Raw and on behalf of The Authority, I'd like to wish everyone a happy new year! And speaking of wishing, why don't we go out in style? Tonight, Morgan, you will go one on one with Rosa Mendes. And CM Punk, you will face, Seth Rollins. So get me a referee out here because that match starts right now!"

Roman and Morgan were annoyed while Seth smirked.

The Shield get out of the ring to watch Seth go against Punk. Punk tries to do the GTS on Seth early but he slides out of the ring and bangs on the announce table.

"You all right dude?" Morgan asked while she walked over to him with Roman & Dean.

"A game. A game." Roman stated as Morgan nodded.

"I got him, all right? I'll take care of business." Seth said

While Seth and Punk have a back and forth match, Morgan keeps her distance from Roman and Dean. She was still heated from Punk's remark and didn't want to lash out at anyone.

"Hurt him, Seth. Break him," she said.

Meanwhile, Dean was biting his fingers while watching the match, still angry about Punk. Punk gets on the top rope but Morgan smirks in delight when Seth throws him off and lands outside the ring.

"CM Punk bouncing off the barricade and just like that, Rollins has taken over," Cole said.

Roman and Dean walk over to Punk and Dean sits down near him, pretzel style.

"Oh, it hurts now, huh? Get back in the ring." Dean taunted.

"I got him, Ambrose," Seth said.

Punk crawls back into the ring and Seth begins targeting his ribs while he yells out in pain.

"Break his back," Roman said as Seth put him in a submission with his knee on his lower back.

Morgan looks on in delight as she watches Punk in pain. She enjoyed watching him suffer. It was music to her ears to hear him yell and scream in pain.

Seth continues to target the ribs by standing on his back. Moments later, Punk begins to make a comeback by hitting him with headbutts but Seth throws him to the ring post. Morgan calms down and walks over to Dean and Roman.

"Are you okay, now?" Roman asked as he and Dean looked at her.

"I'm just peachy," Morgan replied.

Punk throws Seth to the turnbuckle and goes for the running knee but Seth catches him in a powerbomb hold. He throws him to the turnbuckle and pins him.

"Here's the cover and Punk kicks out a two!" Cole exclaimed.

"Damn it!" Morgan banged on the apron. "Son of a grape!"

"Come on..." Seth grumbled. "Stay down Punk. Just stay down!"

The Philly Diva runs her hands through her hair as she watches Seth miss the blackout. Punk tries to kick him but Seth ducks and kicks him in the head to pin him for another two count.

"Put him away. Let's go. End it!" Roman shouted.

Seth does the GTS taunt and is to do the GTS but Punk hits him with a running knee on the ropes and clotheslines him. He rolls out of the way before Punk can do the diving elbow. Punk walks over to him but gets his head thrown onto the middle turnbuckle.

"Smart!" she complimented.

Dean starts to get in Punk's face, but then the ref tells him to back off. Morgan holds Dean's arm and tries to calm him down and moments later, he does. Seth jumps off the top rope to give Punk a crossbody but Punk rolls them over and gives him the Anaconda Vice.

"The Anaconda Vice!" Cole exclaimed as the crowd got hyped. Dean slides into the ring while Punk releases the hold and tries to hit him. "And Ambrose, trying to get involved."

"Dean!" Morgan yelled in annoyance while Roman tried to ask him what was he thinking.

Seth tries to hit Punk with his finisher but Punk counters and puts him in the GTS position again. Ambrose gets back on the apron to distract the ref while Seth hits Punk with the Skywalker and pins him. The ref turns around and starts to count but Punk kicked out at two.

"As I feared." She bit her lip.

Seth turns his attention to his partners and gets annoyed. He starts yelling at them while Morgan shakes her head and facepalms.

"He was tryna help!" Roman noted.

Seth turns his attention back to Punk but gets thrown out of the ring and on to Morgan, Roman and Dean. Punk is about to run through the ropes but Seth hits him with a forearm. He jumps onto the ropes and is about to dive onto Punk but is caught in the GTS.

"1!"

"2!"

"3!"

"The winner of this match, CM Punk!" Justin announced.

Morgan, Dean and Roman recover and she gets in the ring to help out Seth, while Roman gets in the ring to stare down Punk. Dean was at ringside, biting his fingers and silently seething.

"CM Punk surviving tonight," Cole said.

Punk points at Roman and Morgan as he walks up to the stage. Roman turns his attention to Morgan and she looks at him before they both turn their attention to Punk on the stage. Morgan narrows her eyes at Punk while he does his GTS taunt.

"Two members left. Who will face CM Punk next?" Cole wondered.

'Backstage'

Morgan was sitting on some steps, wearing a black bandana over her straightened black hair and was deep in thought when Roman arrived and sat next to her. The crowd gives them a nice reception as they sit in comfortable silence and she lets out a sigh.

"I need to stop getting provoked by Punk all the time. You were trying to calm everyone down but he got inside my head after I tried to reason with you guys. But the only question on my mind is...What if I can't beat him?" She asked in a low voice. Roman turned his head to look at her while she looked straight ahead. "Then what? Will everyone move on and forget I exist? Will the fans forget about me trying to wrestle WWE Superstars? That's my fear when I go out there."

"I don't know about you but you would earn my respect. And I know Chyna will be proud of you too." Roman replied as she turned to look at him. "You wrestled guys in the past and you are continuing that in the WWE. Who cares if you lose? Show them you can withstand Punk's moves. Win or lose, I'll be by your side-"

"That's the problem. I don't think I can do it with you guys at ringside. There is a 90 percent chance that Dean is going to interfere-"

"I'll try to make sure he doesn't-"

"Like that will help. I love him but he can get angry pretty quickly. I just don't want that to interfere in the match and cause a DQ." she stood up but Roman gently grabbed her wrist.

"Morgan...I'm not going to let you go through this alone. I know you want to prove yourself, and you will. Win or lose."

She sat back down and sighed. "Thank you." She laid her head on his shoulder.

"Don't thank me." He put his head on her head. "We're a team and we are going to stick by you. We all know how important this match is for you. We know it and we are going to be a ringside, cheering you on."

"You're so good to me."

He looked down at her. "You are too."

"No, I'm not..."

"Why do you say that?"

She stood up and so did he. "Because I can never give anything back to you. All the stuff you do for me; the advice you give me...the support you give me...I don't think I can ever repay that even though I wish I could return the favor. But, maybe one day...one day I'll try to return the favor somehow."

"You don't have to repay me for anything. Just keep a cool head tonight."

"No promises."

Roman chuckled. "I'm not surprised."

"Thanks for listening to me." She fist bumped him and started walking away as the camera followed her.

"Morgan, in action, next," Cole said as they went to a commercial.

#the shield #dean ambrose x oc #dean ambrose #seth rollins #roman reigns #the shield 4th member #wwe #wwe scenarios #wwe imagine #wwe fanfiction #wwe oc #dean ambrose fanfic

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servin-up-surveys · 11 months

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survey #189

　Layer 1: The Basics Name: Brittany Age: 27 Birthday: February 5th Gender: Female Zodiac sign: Aquarius

　Layer 2: Your Family Do you have any brothers or sisters? Two full-blooded sisters, one half-brother, two half-sisters I know, and another that I've never met, so I don't REALLY consider her my "sister," I guess. Do you have any pets? A cat, snake, and dog. Do you still live with your parents? I live with my mom. Do you have any stepparents? My dad remarried, so technically yeah. How many cousins do you have? Oh hell if I know.

　Layer 3: Your Friends Who is your best friend? My boyfriend and mother. Who have you been friends with the longest? That I still really associate with, Summer. What do you like to do with your friends? Admittedly I don't do much with friends that aren't my boyfriend, but I LIKE doing lots of stuff with such people. I like just spending time together, going out doing fun stuff, or things at each other's houses. Do you have more friends online or in real life? Oh, easily online. I'm generally closer to those online friends, too. I find it way, way easier to be myself online.

　Layer 4: Your Home Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? A normal, one-storied house. How many rooms are there in your house? The living room, kitchen, and dining area are what I consider one room, just with the fireplace area forming a divider, so six-ish, if you count the master bedroom bathroom as its own room. Is your home large or small? It's larger than what we need. This house just worked because it was basically given to us as the former resident's death wish. If our landlord wasn't who it is we wouldn't be able to afford its proper rent. What is your favorite room in your house, and why? I dunno, honestly. Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? I prefer to visit other people's places because I'm a very awkward host that doesn't know what to do with guests.

　Layer 5: Can you... Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? Yeah. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? I USED to be able to hug the soles of my feet, but I haven't tried this in a very long time. With my current shape though, it's definitely doubtful. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? No. Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? Oh there's no way. Can you do any yo-yo tricks? Not that I know of.

　Layer 6: Who Who inspires you the most, and why? Girt. I want to be a better person for him specifically. I want to be a partner that's worth being with. My mom is also very noteworthy; I want to make her proud. Who helps you maintain your sanity? Girt, Mom, friends, YouTubers that will never know I exist lmao. Who do you go to most often for advice? Mom or Girt, depending on the topic. Who knows you better than you know yourself? My mom. Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? Girt, my mom, siblings, my nieces and nephew, my closest friends... honestly, a whole lot of people. It's not very hard to get on this list.

　Layer 7: Do you... Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? I've always eaten mine with the crust intact. I've always just eaten in first since it's my least favorite part of the sandwich, but I still like it. Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I will usually finish my stuff, or leave very little left. Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? Sometimes; it depends on if I have milk to dip or not. Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? I never have. Do you make friends easily? No, I'm way too quiet and reclusive. I don't put myself out there.

　Layer 8: How Many? How many people live in your house with you? Just my mom. How many pets have you had in your lifetime? Too many to count, mainly cats. How many meals do you eat a day? Two or three.

　Layer 9: How How do you typically get to school or work? I don't have either, but in the past, my mom's driven me. How do you deal with a breakup? OH HUNNY YOU DON'T WANT MY ADVICE HERE LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO How do you like to help others? I enjoy listening to others and being a source of comfort. I don't have much else to offer; I can't lend money or a car or stuff like that, but you can bet I'll be there to listen to what's on your mind, give advice if desired and I feel I have any, and give hugs. How do you sleep in bed? I normally have one leg pulled upwards at an angle, and I'm primarily on my stomach/kinda side.

　Layer 10: What What do you think happens when we die? I don't know; I've tried to find a personal answer I believe for most of my life, but I've accepted in recent years I'm just not gonna know 'til I get there. I DO know I believe in the human spirit, and I lean towards us having some sort of existence after death, but I have absolutely zero idea what that existence is like. Maybe heavenly, maybe we just exist as roaming souls that are barely even cognisant of their past, who knows. I'm not exhausting myself trying to figure it out while I'm alive. What toys did you enjoy most as a child? Mostly plastic animals and dinosaurs. I know I liked things that lit up, but I think that's a very normal kid thing, lol. What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? I'd say this depends greatly. In most cases I can think up though, I'd speak up, or call someone with authority.

　Layer 11: Where Where is your favorite place to eat out? As far as fast food goes, probably Sonic, but if you're including sit-down restaurants, Olive Garden or The Cheesecake Factory. Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? Idk. Where did you meet your current or last significant other? High school band class. Where can you be found at 7 PM., typically? Here at home, in the spare room on the laptop. Where can you find the best French fries? Either Bojangle's or McDonald's, depends on what I'm up for. Bojangle's has a specific seasoning, McD's is just good simple fries.

　Layer 12: When When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? I dunno, I'd assume the normal age to tell kids this stuff. When do you typically fall asleep? oh this varies WAY too much, I have serious problems falling asleep. When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? I don't know. When do you feel most comfortable? When I'm at home alone.

　Layer 13: Why Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? It passes time, but just as importantly is I've found it's therapeutic and help me arrange my feelings and thoughts. Why aren’t you doing something else right now? I don't feel like it right now.

　Layer 14: If... If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? Buy my mom a new car, her own house, probably a place for Girt and me, do some charity donations, then I'd have to see what's left, I don't even know how much your average car or house costs lol. If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? Nope. If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yes, the guilt would eat me alive otherwise. They might need that money just as much as or even more than I do. If you could have any food right now, what would you like? I've been craving a double chocolate cake super bad lately and it's kinda driving me insane lol If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? With my family and Girt's.

　Layer 15: Firsts When did you lose your first tooth? You expect me to remember? lol Who was your first teacher that you ever had? Mrs. Makeel or something like that. When did you first learn how to ride a bike? I dunno, the normal age. When was the first time you had sex? I still haven't had proper sex. I started doing sexual stuff at like, 16. Did your first birthday have a theme to it? I dunno.

　Layer 16: Lasts Last person you texted: My ma. Last drink you sipped: Flavored water. Last time you rode a bike: Oh, it's been years. I used to LOVE doing this, though. I'd often grab my iPod and go out riding down our path after school for quite a while. Last time you swam in a pool: Around two months ago, when Ma and I went to a friend's place. Last person you hugged: Girt.

　Layer 17: Favorites Favorite color: Pink, specifically lighter shades. Favorite season: Autumn. Favorite shape: Out of the very basic ones, circles. I think they're satisfying to look at. Favorite letter: I guess maybe "z." Favorite number: 13, I guess.

　Layer 18: This or That Pepsi or Coke? Coke, I don't like Pepsi. Movies or television? Idk, I guess it depends on what it is. Phone or tablet? Honestly, I've never really used a tablet. Fruits or vegetables? Fruits. Animals or humans? Animals, of course.

　Layer 19: Which Which Pokemon is your favorite? Ninetales, Espeon, and Houndoom. Which day of the week is your favorite? I don't have one. Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? 16th, and not for good reasons. Which holiday is your favorite? Halloween aesthetically, but I enjoy the experience of Christmas more. Which shoe do you put on first? idk

　Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships1 What is the name of your first love? Jason. How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? Twice. Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? No. Have you ever been engaged or married before? No. Do you have any children? No.

　Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? A paleontologist was my first career goal. What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? A nature/wildlife photographer. Art interests me. What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? A milestone in my legs healing, I suppose. What is a goal you are still striving to reach? To actually make money from my photography. Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? Yeah, various academic stuff as well as sports involvement as a kid.

　Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice to the day I fucking die. Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? I was raised Roman Catholic, but despise it today and even as a kid, I didn't get it. Democrat, Republican, or Independent? Independent. For or against the death penalty? For, but only in VERY extreme cases and/or severe repeat offenses. Thoughts on assisted suicide? I absolutely believe people basically on their deathbed deserve to make one final choice when it comes to their peace. I think it's very unfair to let someone slowly, painfully wither if they don't want that.

　Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present What day is it? October 25th. Holy shit, I cannot believe how fast October went. What’s the weather like outside? Sky is clear, and at the time I'm answering this, it's morning, so it's pretty cold out. What have you eaten? I had some Special K cereal. Did you run any errands? No. What time is it? 8:57 AM right now.

　Layer 24: Yesterday Did you have a work shift? I'm unemployed. Did you eat out anywhere? No. Was it snowing? No. Who did you last say goodnight to? I didn't say exactly that to anyone yesterday. Did anything unusual happen? No.

��Layer 25: Tomorrow Do you have to go to school/class? I'm not in school anymore. Does this day have any sort of significance to you? No. What is a chore that needs to get done? I'll need to clean Roman's litter. Will you hang out with friends? No. What time will you be expected to be awake by? No specific time, but I generally wake up early.

　Layer 26: Have You Ever Performed a magic trick successfully? Yeah, I used to be obsessed with those little boxes you could get from Scholastic, lol. Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? Yes. Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Not that I remember. Touched a snake? Well yeah, I own one and have had two in the past, and I've held friends' snakes. Even as a kid I know I'd pick up little ones. Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? Playfully by cats. My old baby iguana Kaiju also did.

　Layer 27: School Life Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? I know preschool isn't, but I think kindergarten is? Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? I was homebound at the end of the 8th grade. I'm not sure if I know others. Did you attend public or private school? Mostly public, but my last college was private. Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? None of these; I think the best way to put it is just ignored. I wasn't anybody special and minded my own quiet business. What is the highest level of education that you completed? Some college.

　Layer 28: Your Appearance Eye color: Grayish blue. Hair color: Brown, but with a blonde-ish fade from where it used to be green but faded away. Height: 5'4.5'' Weight: nope Do you have freckles, moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have a birthmark on my left forearm, and little freckles in random places throughout my body.

　Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media How much time do you spend on the Internet per day? Basically almost every waking moment and it's super sad. Which social media platforms do you belong to? Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr (does that count?). When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? Oh hell if I know. Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? Uh, out of the two, I'm watching on my laptop. Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? I STRONGLY prefer actual books, like I have absolutely zero urge to read digitally, and I think it's because it's a very rare escape FROM technology for me.

　Layer 30: Are You Are you still in school? No. Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? Yes, I'm pansexual. Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? Yeah, a surprise birthday party for Girt's mom. Are you dreading anything coming soon? Hm, I don't believe so, nothing that's truly "soon." Are you gullible or naive? Definitely not.

　Layer 31: Does Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? I don't work. Does anyone out there hate you? I'm sure. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? If it's about MY sex life, yes. I'm extremely private about those details, but I'm not uncomfortable if other people are talking about their experiences. Does crying make you feel less strong? No, I absolutely will not feed into the bullshit that crying is a sign of weakness.

　Layer 32: Would You Do the Polar Bear Plunge? I would for charity. Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? No. Swim with sharks? Possibly. I definitely would if I was in one of those safe cages. Go into outer space, given the chance? No, but only because of how long space expeditions are. I would miss Earth and the people I love way, way too much. But if it could be like a day-long adventure, THEN I totally would. Go out in public, looking how you do right now? I'd go in my mom's car dressed how I am (in pjs) if I was just riding somewhere and not getting out, but I wouldn't go in anywhere right now.

　Layer 33: Pets/Animals Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names... I have a gray and white domestic shorthair of some sort named Roman, a champagne morph ball python named Venus, and my mom's dog is a chihuahua named Cookie. If not, what type of pet have you always wanted? N/A What is your favorite animal? Meerkats, of course. Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? of course it is????? How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? Cookie doesn't go on walks. I scoop the litterbox every few days.

　Layer 34: Food What is your favorite breakfast item? Cinnamon rolls. What is your favorite kind of dessert? Probably cakes. Do you eat all three meals everyday? Not every day, no. What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? I dunno, but nothing very long.

　Layer 35: Past Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? Yeah, I think everyone has moments of this. What is one of your favorite memories of the past? I cherish times of playing make-believe with my sister or even myself as a little kid. What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? Pray. Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? The time of dinosaurs lol, just put me in a safe bubble.

　Layer 36: Future Do you think you will ever get married one day? Yes. Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I want a job to begin with. I'm never going to be happy without some sort of career. What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? How the hell should I know? What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? I want to go to the KMP to photograph and interact with the meerkats, specifically Whiskers individuals. If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? I... don't think so. What if it's awful? I'd rather just not know that's the end of me.

　Layer 37: Hygiene How often do you shower? I struggle with self-care for a number of reasons and I do not want to share this. How often do you brush your teeth? More than I used to. Do you actually iron any of your clothes? *I* don't, my mom probably would if it was a fancy shirt and I was going to like, an interview or something. How often do you do laundry? Wow I hate this section, *I* don't, my mom does. She does our stuff together, and I don't keep track of how often the washer or dryer is on. How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? Only once, but keep in mind I don't shower as much as I should so using it twice would be extremely gross.

　Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? No. How would you describe your sense of style? Some mix of geek, goth, and metalhead, I guess. Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? I'm sure there are, but I don't keep track of this stuff. Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Wal-Mart or Hot Topic. What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? Piercings and one ring. Sometimes I'll put on a necklace.

　Layer 39: Hobbies Do you still color, even as an adult? Only when I draw something, really, which is already rare. Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? Not really. What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? I drew something like a year ago. Do you use Pinterest at all? Yeah. What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? I don't cook.

　Layer 40: Dislikes List some of your pet peeves here. People trying to make conversation with me when I'm obviously listening to music (yes I know this is bitchy but it's like my biggest pet peeve there is), "tough guys," the "kill it with fire" mentality towards snakes and spiders (no seriously I fucking despise you), continuously pestering me when I need alone time (not in the case of like, ACTUALLY needing me, this is mostly a situation I've encountered with kids, who obviously don't get it and I can't be TRULY mad at), putting so much effort into a drawing and it not coming out right, competitive people (I don't get their mindset at all and it just makes you look really shitty to me), non-meat eaters acting holier than thou towards people who have meat as part of their diet, etc. What are some things that annoy you about yourself? I catastrophize like NOBODY'S goddamn business, I assume the absolute worst with like everything (this especially includes assuming everyone hates me/pretends to like me), I underestimate the shit out of myself, I'm VERY socially flighty/awkward, etc., blah blah blah this question is gonna make me upset at myself lol Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? That I personally know/have known, I don't think so. The closest would definitely be Sara, but I don't feel confident saying I hate her; "hate" indicates too much of my energy going towards her, to me. I dislike the shit out of her, but "hate" just seems too intense, especially as time passes. What is a feeling that you dislike? Embarrassment. It's the worst sensation to me, I am so absurdly sensitive towards it, like I basically wanna die. Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? I don't drive, but when I did, I was way too terrified and passive of a driver to feel this. People with road rage scare me.

　Layer 41: Random Have you ever successfully pogoed on a pogo stick? Yes; I got one one Christmas as a kid and got pretty good at it. Have you ever mastered the jump rope? Not "mastered," but I got decent at it. I could jump in with one rope going, and came extremely close to jumping in while doing double dutch. Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? As a kid, I think so. In my adult life, I think I've had moments, but it's hard to tell with depression. What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? Ones with totally random questions that you generally wouldn't be asked.

　Layer 42: Music What are some of your favorite genres of music? Mostly metal, I think industrial and heavy, specifically. I also like rock, alternative, and indie. What are some music genres that you can’t stand? Rap and country. If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Do you honestly expect me to say anything but Rammstein lmao Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? No. iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? I normally do YouTube, especially since I tend to binge songs on repeat.

　Layer 43: Books What were some of your favorite books as a child?Stellaluna, What Makes a Rainbow?, Rainbow Fish, 10 Minutes 'til Bedtime, When You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Chrysanthemum, lots of the classics for my age group. What genre of books do you typically read most often? Young adult fantasy, maybe. What are some of your favorite books as an adult?Johnny Got His Gun, The Outsiders, Wings of Fire, The Handmaid's Tale. What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed?The Outsiders was the main one. Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? No.

　Layer 43: Around the World Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? A really clear lake multiple hours away from where we live now. We'd been visiting my younger sister's childhood best friend. Fish and stuff were accustomed to human presence so you swam right with them, and everything was SO clear. Oh yeah, of course Disney World was amazing too, but my memories of it are faint because I was quite young. Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? Alaska, particularly at a good time of year to see the Northern Lights. I'm very confident I'd cry. Where do your family members originate from? My ancestry includes German, Irish, and Polish, on my mom's side. We don't know Dad's heritage. What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? Honestly, probably just basic bitch American lmfao What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Cheeseburgers? lmao

　Layer 44: Would you rather... Drink apple juice or grape juice? Apple, grape juice is repulsive. Wear pants or shorts? Pants. I never wear shorts. Be taller or shorter? I'm fine with where I am. Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Zoo. Visit an art gallery or a museum? Science museum. But an art gallery sounds nice, too.

　Layer 45: Movies Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? I don't. What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen?The Lion King has my heart, and I even love the "live action" remake. The Meerkats documentary is fucking beautiful, the cinematography is unreal. What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Horror and fantasy stuff. I can enjoy comedies, too. What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? Uhhhh let's see... yeah I actually don't know, I'm not one to watch movies much even if I think I WILL like them.

　Layer 46: Personality Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I'm way more of an introvert. Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? I'm a very anxious person, but still laid back in situations where I'm comfortable. Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? I absolutely try to be. Describe your sense of humor. I don't really know, I don't think I understand my own well enough. I don't think I'm funny, so it's hard to indentify for me. Do you tend to over-share? In real life, hell fucking no, but I KNOOOOOOOOW I do online.

　Layer 47: Celebrities Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? *shrug* Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? I don't read articles on people, but I "keep up" with the Rammstein boys, as well as Markiplier, though I've eased up with knowing everything going on in his world. He's still the one YouTube channel I have notifs for though, I care about major things he shares. Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? rzk is old enough to be my fucking father and i don't care Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? No. Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? I mean, no one specifically because I don't hear about anyone excessively.

　Layer 48: Emotions When was the last time you cried? I can't remember for sure. What are some things that you’re afraid of? Parasites (especially internal), tornadoes, pregnancy, driving, becoming paralyzed from the neck down, actually becoming diabetic, never losing the weight I want to lose, going through another serious breakup, living alone on the streets... There's honestly a lot of stuff. What is something small that makes you happy? People I cherish remembering little things about me. Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? Ummm not sure? Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? I am extremely shy.

　Layer 49: Digging Deeper What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Sangrias. How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? I've never been drunk, just tipsy. Do you smoke? No. Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? No. Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? I've never even tried weed.

　Layer 50: Games What are some of your favorite video games? The Silent Hill franchise, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro games (excluding Skylanders, I won't fucking touch it), the Resident Evil series, and mostly loads of other horror games. Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? Yeah, WoW. What was your favorite board game, growing up? I surprisingly liked "Mall Madness" a lot, even for a kid that didn't like shopping. How about your favorite card game? I liked poker at some point, but I haven't remembered the rules since I WAS a kid. How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) I guess this depends on the puzzle, but I'm not exceptional at any.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions #questionnaire

3 notes · View notes

antpernas · 2 years

Text

10/14/22

It's been a while!

As such (and as always), I'm not sure where I want to begin. But yet again, it seems like the easiest way to start is typing out some bullets :)

Bought a Macbook Pro!! Very fun purchase to make, and was presently surprised at the lightened burden on my wallet after getting an unexpected tuition refund shortly after :D I still have yet to make full use of it, but I have had some with VSCode and Garageband. Also got around to organizing a lot of my hard drive and old photos, which took way less time than it would've on my Surface Pro! I'm now overcoming (slowly but surely) my long-held grudge against Apple.

Starting talking to this guy I matched with in D.C. over text, he's pretty cool!

Went on a date with a very sweet Brazilian man here in Miami, we chatted in Portuguese the whole time. I'm hoping to see him again!

Lost my dad's wallet at a Home Depot (somehow)

Lost (and recovered!) my wallet at a state park (and I'm slowly accepting the fact that I lose a lot of stuff)

Bought some new jewelry finally! I got new septums and I have yet to order the matching earrings :D

Met my music friend after two years of texting, he's cool! (But also really mean)

Met a bunch of cool cats from UM Frost, they are the best! Also went to the Wharf for the first time with them and one of my own friends from FIU, super cool!

Been playing a bunch of Splatoon 3 (though I missed the first Splatfest since I went up to WPB with my cousins that weekend)

School is going alright, I passed all the midterms that have been graded thus far so I'm feeling good! I do want to start putting more time into studying though (that week and the week preceding really threw me off my routine)

Started reading Homestuck again... truly incredible

Lots of cool music as always, and I'm trying to follow a new system to listen to a specific genre of music each day (with fun names to go along for each one!)

I think that's about it?

I also have been meaning to just jot this down. Part of me wants to be brief and just spit it out, part of me wants to give full context and really get into the meat and potatoes of it... But I think for now I'll just do the former and save the rest for another post.

Long story short, I've been thinking a lot about one of the guys who ghosted me a good while back. And for the past few days, for some reason, it's been eating at me. I've been mulling on it a lot, and I honestly, though, don't think it has much to do with him specifically. It's urging me to look at my life, and I'm questioning now whether or not I'm really happy/content, and whether or not I'm really accomplishing what it is I know I want to do with my life. It also is urging me to look at my sexual trauma, but that's something I'm more reluctant to admit to and begin to unpack. But I also think it's just been a bad week. Yesterday and today were better, and I didn't really think of him much, so I'm not stressing. I'm trying to remind myself even if I were to keep having thoughts about him, that's okay, and we all heal at our own paces.

But ok! That's it for now. Kisses and be safe :D

#mydiary

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tallmantall · 4 months

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lady-azarashe · 9 months

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Normally I'd rant on Reddit, or on my IG stories, or even on some random Chatterbox thread on Gaia Online so that I could scream into the void without actually bothering anyone. But I ran away from the former two and I've been trying to use Tumblr more since the Reddit migration, so I guess I'll rant here for a bit and delete it afterwards.

So... 2023 was one of the worst years of my life, a solid runner up for the top spot, in fact. I think it barely edges out the former champion of 2014 to take the podium, and that's because this year my grandma died.

Between getting fired from a decently enjoyable job, to landing on several other horrible jobs, lack of money due to my time unemployed in between said horrible jobs, having had to move back with my family because they needed someone to take care of my grandpa (poor man had a stroke and I was the only one who could drive him daily to the hospital), and having to deal with all this while people were still treating me like a child with no agency of her own... Well, shit got bad, and my head went to some very dark places. I got a bit better, but then my grandma died and I got very sick physically, so I've spent most of December and a good chunk of January on a fever-fueled daze.

In so far, this has been mostly rationalized already and I'm ok with it. Well, it's not like I'm really ok with it, you know, but I've gotta keep rolling with the punches and all that. I know sometimes life sucks, shit's whack, and you gotta play with the cards you've been dealt. Been doing that for a long time now, but there were certain things that never changed and I relied heavily on them to trudge along everyday.

It's always the little things, though, that drive me over the edge and into a puddle of despair. And it's today that I noticed something these little things seem to have in common lately, and why they hurt so much.

A bunch of YouTubers I follow have either given up and disappeared quietly, or they've announced that they're quitting due to burnout/wanting to take their lives back from YT/etc. I am incredibly happy for them and wish them the best, but I sadly spend a lot of time alone and relied a lot on other people's content to make my life less monotonous. It's not a worrying parasocial relationship, but they do feel like friendly familiar faces and knowing they're not going to stick around any longer kinda hurts a little.

In fact, it hurts just as much as when I got kicked out of Reddit. Deapite being mostly a lurker I was active on a few communities there, and I even managed to make a few friends. But I never really felt like part of the community, and after the whole API thing I felt pushed out even more than usual. I don't want to go back, things have changed quite a lot since my days, but I miss being able to talk about stuff with random people and get memes or advice in return. For some reason I'm not managing to do the same here on Tumblr. :(

And in the end, I think that's what's going on here. I feel incredibly lonely in my life these days. I can't reconnect with my friends because my life has spun out of control and I'm ashamed of it (plus, adulting makes it much more difficult). I can't connect with people online because I'm a terminal lurker and have trouble adapting to digital environments, and the few pillars of stability in my life seem to be twisting or crumbling right in front of me. And due to my new job I work as a retail clerk alone most of the time. No connections here either.

I'm scared, Tumblr. I still have friends and a partner, but I feel so alone. I am trying to fight against the existential dread that hunts me down relentlessly, but I am losing this fight. :(

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/27/23

I have to be brief here tonight. Who knows if I actually will be, I rarely am. But like... this is the third night in a row that I've been sleep deprived and thinking to myself "I really need to take advantage of this to reset my sleep schedule". And now... I'm just starting this and it's 12:45. Rather than like... 4.

I woke up after 5 hours of sleep from a nightmare. Not viscerally intense, just... generally upsetting, unsettling. I was talking with my former "friend" K who... has always had one form of drug problem or another. Hunger, self-control issues, that kinda thing, I guess. Chasing endorphin dumps her entire life. Hedonism, I guess, mostly drugs and sex.

I have no idea why I was friends with her, looking back. I was straight edge, I was a skateboarder. I guess we just had a similar sense of humor and she represented a lot of the bohemian things I wanted to explore in life. Specifically the spiritual stuff - at that age, ghost hunting, ouija, stuff like that - and the craft stuff. She always had hemp necklaces and tie dye shirts and cool glass beads and shit. That side of life, which she was directly tapped into, which was completely absent from my life... was so influential and appealing to me that many components of that life are still major components of my life to this day.

But she would constantly get herself into trouble. Constantly overspending, constantly using harder and harder drugs, constantly hooking up with people... often for those drugs, or just in the presence of them. Though I remained aloof to a lot of it, and kept my nose out of the stuff I did know about. I wanted nothing to do with it. I had male friends like that too, I just... changed the topic whenever they brought it up. It's not my thing and it's very awkward for me, not something I was used to at all and it would make me very uncomfortable. I am very one-on-one, I focus my attention on one person at a time, in all respects of life. It's just how I function, and how I get the most satisfaction in life, and for me, it produces the best results by far. Instead of giving 10 people 5% of my energy, I give one person 50% of my energy. And that... just means a lot more to me, even if it does hurt tremendously to lose those bonds. Or have them taken advantage of.

In this dream, K was younger. I don't know when this was supposed to take place, but it was before the "homeless arc", when I saw her last. Again, when I last saw her... she was smoking some form of hard drug by the river in the park where I used to go pretty much every day. She looked like a literal skeleton. As long as I've known her (since she was like... 17?) she was overweight, but I could like... see her damn cheekbones. I literally did not recognize her.

I was at the river to visit the spot where I spread my dog's ashes. And she was there smoking crack or something like 10 yards away. And she told me she lost custody of her 5 kids, and was facing criminal charges in another state for smuggling fentanyl across state lines. And told me a lot of horror stories. As I just stood there like a deer in headlights, she just dumped Requiem for a Dream-level stories on me one after another. And... it broke me. For real. I was terrified. I didn't go back to the river for like a week, and when I did, I was looking over my shoulder the whole time. I didn't want to leave my house. I was scared. She knew where I lived at the time. I was scared to sleep. I didn't know if her or her fucked up drug friends might come by my house and try to break in and steal my shit.

I remember when I walked back from the river to my car that day - very fast, mind you - I had one hand in my pocket the entire time, holding my keys between my fingers like Wolverine claws. A tip someone taught me way back as like... improvised self defense if you're in a city. It fuckin shook me.

In this dream though, I was just... once again... trying to show her the potential she has. And it ended right around when I was very directly emphasizing that she was a slave to the drugs, really. She worked for them, not the other way around. That she's always been an addict, and that's just what it is, and at some point you really have to accept that to be able to move forward and actually have a life. Because there are tools out there to make it work, there are addicts that live functional lives. It is possible. But it doesn't happen on its own, you have to fucking want it. I didn't get that far into explaining to her, I'm just elaborating here, I basically broke the news that drugs have been ruling her entire life and she decides when that ends. And then I woke up upset.

I didn't record the dream. I don't know why. I think I immediately went into analysis-mode instead of short-term memory recall mode, and ended up losing the memory milestones.

5 hours of sleep, then just decided to get up. Today I kept it really low-key. A lot of Valheim. I put together this thing that mounts my computer to my desk that my mom got me... 2 of? For some reason? But now my mouse is all wonky, I think the desk interferes with the wireless signal. I think I'm overdue for a mouse-keyboard upgrade anyway. I recorded some music, which was pretty good. Rounded out the night with some Session. Avoided Twitch. And now... I think I'm gonna try to get to bed at a decent hour.

I hope I can get to the skatepark tomorrow. Maybe it's just the sleep deprivation, maybe it's the isolation, but I'm starting to get pretty deeply depressed. That whole "not really enjoying anything I'm doing, feeling like I need to be doing literally anything else, but nothing specifically I want" feeling? Yeah, it was big today, still is. Stress and depression, most likely. Exercise will be good. Being around people who are hopefully chill will be good.

I have a lot of things piling up on the To-Do list, so... tomorrow might be a big one. It all depends on how the night goes. And honestly, I can't really remember the last time I went to sleep when it was dark out, so... I have no idea how this is going to go. Fingers crossed.

Positive Note - I watered my orchid, I'm still shocked that thing is still going strong. And I'm pretty well settled on the astrology chart for the back of the hoodie, but I didn't do any work on it today. It'll happen when it happens. :)

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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whythewords · 2 years

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Days 340 - 359: You just have to make it

It's Christmas. I made it to Christmas. From the sheer amount of super-bummers in that last post, it feels nice that I am here, seemingly on the other side of it. I mean, the bad and sad thoughts come and go, that's sort of been the theme of this whole year of journaling and beyond. But it's good to remember to enjoy the calm and quiet spots.

It was a nice, quiet Christmas, something that I honestly would have been less excited about last year. This whole "cuffing season" thing, whatever the fuck that means, led me to believe last year that I had to be partnered up with someone around the holidays or that it was somehow easier this time of year. Actually I might have made mention of that in the last post or some other recent one. It definitely does sting to not have a special someone to share these days with, but they are, ultimately, just days. I also recall a particularly difficult bout of loneliness around last Christmas, even when things were still pretty fresh. I was at my uncle's place, on the apps just fucking having inane, unsuccessful conversations with people I had nothing more than a passing interest in.

This year I was at that same uncle's place, more present, hanging with my cousins, catching up with people I admittedly don't see or speak to as often as I should, even playing a little guitar for everyone. It was nice. It was calm. It was small. That was Christmas Eve. Before that, I had my birthday/annual acoustic show thing here at my folks' apartment. That was also small, but it was nice as well. The day and following morning were nice and quiet on a count of me sending my folks away for the night (which turned out to be not necessary seeing as everyone ended up leaving before 11pm). The set was fun but it's kinda an afterthought to me. Seeing some friends, making some fancy cocktails, heading downstairs onto the street with a few folks to get a little high, those are the things that helped coax me outta the fog I had been in during the weeks prior.

There'd been a bit more than the usual amount of communication with my former partner, and I had been dangerously close to backsliding. I've spoken here a lot about progress and this whole journey since the beginning of the year (and really the separation before that) being about how much progress I've made. I've observed over the last few weeks in particular that it feels like the progress was reset. On more than one occasion, some friends here on tumblr and outside of tumblr have reminded me that progress isn't necessarily linear. The point is continuing and moving to the next thing. Well, as much as I do appreciate and agree with that sentiment, I was definitely doing some things that were greatly hampering what I would call the progress that I have made over the last year and a bit. I was doing my best to steal myself to endure the difficulty of that as I progressed through a particularly stressful last few weeks of school, and made it to my birthday as if it was some sort of checkpoint that I could reach to safeguard myself from the events of the past. I shudder to think that the dating thing might have actually served well as a distraction from that stuff, because it certainly wasn't helping either, and it feels good to be free from it at this moment.

Either way, I made it. And then I made it to Christmas Eve, and then to today, Christmas. Another quiet one, though it usually is. Exchanging gifts with my folks and my brother after a nice brunch here at home. Recovering from the insane amount of food and drink over the last few days...and continuing to eat junk food regardless, as Christmas ought to be really.

The anxiety about jumping back into the real world has begun to dissipate too. My friend urged me to reach out to the city offices where I did my co-op, which admittedly I should have done already. But the point is I did do it and got a reply and prospects seem hopeful.

I'm as at peace as I've been in a long time....except for the whole upstairs neighbours thing. I've mentioned that here before I believe, we have some obnoxious neighbours who seemingly have parties every weekend into the wee hours. Usually I can drown it out and just throw on a podcast in my headphones but they were particularly insane on this Christmas night, stomping and yelling and loud as they've ever been, I'm pretty certain my desk was shaking. If this post is a little disjointed it's because I was back and forth with my dad waffling about what to do before finally deciding (after literal months of this) that enough is enough and we should call security. Seems quieter now, but we'll see for how long. You know you're old when.... "Damn kids and their loud music!" Ah well. At this point I embrace the inner old curmudgeon.

Which brings me finally to the future: When I was typing in the day number for that title of this post I had a legitimate "oh shit" moment realizing that the end of the year of our lord 2022 is less than a god damn week away. I'm happy to say I have some plans for new year's eve. Less calm, but still pretty convenient considering they take place at a friends' apartment just a short walk away. No fussing with Ubers necessary for the evening (barring some insane weather.) These days should be enjoyed. I'm trying to to allow myself to do that.

It's almost done and it'll be alright.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

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seelestia · 2 years

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YES I AM HERE sorry i've been running around like a headless chicken these past few days hsdfhjhdf and yep... you know, the shadow realm almost feels like home now, i loooove it when they most-definitely-not-forcefully shove me in here /s oh yeah, i've submitted a ticket again, but so far no replies yet, as per usual! 🙃

speaking about voicelines, i'm curious to know - which version of ayato do you prefer? cn? en? jp? owo

i doooo ;;; lmao it's ok there's a lot of edible things outside yk like grass and stuff- /j my god yes if there was a choice between "always winning your 50/50" and "having unlimited resources (except primos) in genshin" i would choose the former so fast-

very very true. i actually wanted kokomi too, she's so cute and her movement sets are super pretty.... but i want the other characters more atp hsdfhjsd i'm sorry mermaid princess i'll get you eventually!!!!

oh gosh i wonder.... hmmm... i mean, last time i reblogged an ask game, some people told me i give off the same energy as lisa lol irl-wise i think i give off kujou sara vibes - closed-off, serious, and stern, but tbh with my close friends i act like how i act online! maybe thoma but not that much hardworking and a lot less talent in housework hahah

many thanks i have signed it and submitted it to the uh- whatever government equivalent in teyvat that takes care of that- AND I READ HIS PROFILE AND I AM SO SOFT NOW HE IS ADORABLE

hehe i shall bring presents in the shape of fun stories and shenanigans that happened afterward~

istg, tumblr 😭 but you're on your vacay rn, so let's forget about the existence of the shadow realm momentarily, shall we? i don't want tumblr's shadow jail distracting my cousin from her vacay >:( and hopefully, they'll send you a reply by the end of the trip! trying my best to keep my hopes up for the both of us 🤞

rin jie, the way i already listened to his voicelines in all languages before you even asked me 🚶(how am i doing well the down bad scale, idk... but i know you can relate to this, so we both can't speak for ourselves /j) each va did such a good job in their language but i recall having my jaw sink to the bottom of the earth when i heard his korean version. vv elegant but also clear/authorative at the same time <3 fun fact: korean is my third language, so maybe the familiarity also helped a bit! (i liked the cn version too tho! zhao lu's take on ayato's voice is vv light and elegant <3) but wbu??? which voice-over language do you prefer, rin jie? 👀

trueee, the "(except primos)" on the latter was the deal breaker LOLLL <//3 i'm happy that at least, itto treated you right on the 50/50 (the man wants you to conserve your sacred elemental burst, how sweet /j) 🤧 speaking of, the v3.1 update is today! since i'm on 50+ pity and on the 50/50 rn, i'm gonna use my pulling strategy that i told you about~ i need venti for easier runs in the abyss, but if i like cyno's playstyle more, then i'll set my eyes on the general mahamatra 🤫 good luck saving up on primos this patch, rin jie >:)

if i were to put it, you're vv friendly but you can be assertive (and savage, hehe) when needed! smth about imagining you as kujou sara makes me want to pat your head??? but the irony of me being shorter, helpppp. legs, come on and grow taller than rin jie and xiao already 🤨 (/lh)

TYYY !! lin is but a soft man who needs headpats, so those are exactly what we shall provide <//3 i'm kinda excited to write his voicelines because through them is where we truly get to know a character >:) not just about his backstory and views on the other characters like the archons but also what an awkward he is sometimes 😭 so, i'm glad you think he is adorable <3 his gameplay talents make him out to be a good hydro applicator and support! i'm still working on his talents but he does increase the team's energy recharge so you can spam ult with him on your team ;D tysm for showing interest in him, i'm crying, ueueuue 🫂 also, i've told you this before but if you ever make a genshin oc, i will also go feral. (/hj)

#happy vacay to rin jie! can't wait to see you come back soon >:)#and to know your thoughts on v3.1 too hehehe #mwah mwah <3 #ask box! 📬#visitor: dearest rin! 💠

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thebiggestfan1 · 3 years

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Begin again - Andrei Svechnikov

so this is inspired by a song called 'begin again' by taylor swift, those lyrics are pure gold and hit me really hard so enjoy this fic, I put my whole soul into this. i still couldn't write it the way i'd like to but in the end, i'm kind of proud of this <3

i've been thinking of making a masterlist based on taylor's album red so let me know if you'd be interested in that

the translation of the russian phrases are at the end of the story :)

word count: 2,4k

TW: a former toxic relationship, language

"No. I still don't understand why do you keep trying to make me go out with some random guy when I told you at least a hundred times to stop bringing up my love life."

It might have sounded a little bit harsher than you wanted to but you never felt comfortable talking about these things - not even with your close friends. It was a girls' night and til that moment, you enjoyed the company of your friends even as they all were more that curious about your life outside working.

But now, all of them were looking at you expectantly and the sudden attention made you feel even more anxious. The cake in front of you didn't look as delicious as in did two minutes ago.

"First, he's not some random guy. I told you, Y/N; my boyfriend has a friend that seems like the best for you. He's kind and funny and handsome as hell. He's nothing like your ex. Second, it's been 8 months since you two broke up and you haven't got over him yet, sweetie."

She's just trying to help, you told yourself. But that didn't slow down your racing heartbeat. She was your best friend, wasn't she? So why didn't she respect you enough to stop talking about this?

Your ex was what "seemed like the best for you", too. He was everything you ever wanted and needed but you were so blinded with your own happiness that you didn't even register when that changed.

What if you could turn blind once again?

"Stop this- just stop talking, all right? We talked about this. I told you I don't want any of you worrying about my private life."

"But this is what friends do. You know, I've been thinking about this a lot - about how he changed. But he changed you, too. And now you barely tell us anything. This isn't you, Y/N."

But none of them understood that as much as you tried, you couldn't forget how much he hated when you were being yourself. There were tears in your eyes and you took another bite of the cake just to do something with your hands. The delicious food tasted like ashes on your tongue.

"Can you please just leave?" Your voice sounded as broken as your heart was. Your friends looked at you, saw how ruined you really were and just awkwardly laughed it off before they all stood up to leave.

"Y/N," your best friend said, taking your hand in hers, gripping it with a surprising strenght. When she let go, there was a crumbled piece of paper in your palm.

"What-"

"That's Andrei's number. Promise me that you'll call him."

You shook your head, your eyes on the fine written numbers between the lines.

"Then just come back. What's past is past. One day, you have to get over that piece of shit and I can't stand next to you and hold your hand this whole time when you do absolutely nothing."

You followed her steps to the door with your eyes, watching as she stopped once again to look at you.

"Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself."

With that, you were left alone in your apartment that was soaked through with the memories of the man that made you hate yourself.

...

After those months, you barely noticed all that stuff in your home that didn't actually belong to you. He left behind not just your broken heart and a lot of useless things, but all those CDs with the music you secretly hated.

You began with that; you got rid of them and replaced them with your favourite ones with the songs that he kept saying he "didn't get".

And to your surprise, it made you feel good.

So you continued by putting back clothes into your wardrobe that he found too revealing for you to wear in public.

It made you remember all his mistakes and red flags and for a moment, you stopped seeking yours.

You cleaned the whole apartment and when you wanted to lay back down on the couch, your gaze shifted to the piece of paper on the table.

Andrei. Handsome, kind and funny - those were some of the best things to look for in a guy. Maybe your friends were right: you couldn't judge every single man just because one of them ruined your life.

And you hoped they were right as you typed the number into your phone and gave Andrei a chance to prove that you have been wrong the whole time.

...

The cafeteria was crowded this Wednesday and you were surprised by the fact that Andrei arrived on your date earlier than you did. He even stood up from his seat and waved at you so you would know where to go.

For a first time in eight months, you had been looking forward this moment.

When you called Andrei a few weeks ago, you didn't expect you'd enjoy talking to him as much as you did. He really was kind and you liked the way he smiled even though you couldn't really see it through the screen.

Still, you were being cautious. And Andrei understood your reasons and gave you all the space you needed before you yourself asked him out.

Since you started texting and calling each other, more and more things in your life were coming back to normal. Slowly, the person you looked at in the mirror was beginning to look like you and not some pitiful shadow that your ex left behind.

And now, you walked in the coffee shop in your favourite dress that made you feel so confident - and that he wouldn't approve - and your prettiest high heels that he forbid you to wear just because you looked taller than him when you put them on.

"Hey," you said shyly to your date as you got closer to him.

"Hey, nice to finally meet you in person and not just over the phone." Andrei smiled at you and you and you realized that his russian accent was even more noticible in real life. You even learned some basic russian phrases to impress him a bit, even as you told yourself you did so just because you were bored and had nothing to do.

"мне тоже приятно познакомиться. I hope I said that right and didn't embarrass myself or this is gonna turn awkward."

Andrei was looking at you with a puzzled expression before shaking his head and smiling at you.

"No, you said it just fine. Actually, you're the first American person who had tried to speak to me in my native language so I'd appreciate it even if you would accidentally tell me something really inappropriate."

He stood up and pulled your chair out, helping you in - not even noticing how nice that was. Your ex not even once did something like this but tonight wasn't about the past - it was about you and Andrei.

Just then you noticed the two paper cups of coffee already standing on the table, steam still rushing out of them. Andrei saw where your gaze had turned and nervously bit his lower lip.

"I had already ordered you a coffee before you arrived so I hope you don't mind. I was kinda confused about the size because I remember when all I had to do was say small, medium or large and now I had to speak Italian before having any idea of what I had just ordered."

You barked out an honest laugh that surprised not just Andrei but also you and then looked at your drink, noticing your name written on its side in a fine handwriting. The size was venti.

"As long as I'll like it, it's fine. It seems like you'll have to order me coffee more frequently so you'll actually remember what to say next time."

His cheeks flushed red at your answer and he said with a cocky grin:

"This way I'll speak fluent in Italian by the end of the month."

You took a sip, even just to give yourself some time to think about what to say next. But the taste of your favourite coffee stopped you immediately and you looked up to find Andrei giving you another one of his adorable smiles.

"How did you know-"

"I asked Sebastian on my team because he's dating your friend and she told me."

"That's so nice." you said, blinking back the tears in your eyes. Yes, you probably looked so pathetic in that moment but you couldn't explain how good it made you feel - being appreciated and not just taken for granted.

It's not like you were going to fall for this guy just because he was the first that treated you like a human being. But there was something about Andrei that made you feel like on the top of the world-

but it will be a long and painful fall back to the ground.

So you kept your distance and built the walls to your heart a little bit higher and thicker.

...

The two of you talked for hours and still it felt like only minutes. At some point, you forgot about your drink getting colder and colder with every moment.

"Stop making me so interested in you, I'm actually trying to be aloof so you think I'm cool," you said playfully after he told you about some of his favourite places in the US that he visited while being on the road trips with him team. You might have also been a little bit jealous, just the tiniest bit. In comparison to his life, you must sound like a really boring person.

Instead of answering, Andrei threw his head back laughing like a little kid and you were just staring at him, listening to the sound of his laughter.

"What?" he asked after he mastered to speak without wheezing.

"Nothing. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause-" You stopped talking, your mind going back nearly a year ago. 'cause he never did.

He never laughed at anything you said, really. Nor did he like the way your laughter sounds or that you hung out with your male friends. Maybe he was the one insecure, not the other way around.

"Because what?"

You opened your mouth, ready to tell Andrei everything about him. But the way his eyes were focused solely on you and the way he ignored everything and everyone outside of you two...

And for the first time, what was past was past. You've been telling yourself that for weeks now but this time it was finally true.

"Because I'm not really good at telling jokes. I usually start laughing before I say the whole story and that I reveal the point of the joke before I even finish saying it happened to me more than once."

His eyes flickered with amusement and one corner of his sensual lips turned upward.

You talked about your childhoods, the dreams that never came true and the ones that did. And you were so happy when you found out that you two shared the same favourite music album - the one you had to get rid of for months, the one that blasted through your car on the way to the cafeteria.

When the coffee shop slowly started closing, Andrei paid for your order and walked with you down the block to your car. It was winter and the weather wasn't very pleasant that day but to you it looked like the brightest day of the entire month. You didn't need warmer clothes because your body heated at Andrei's every single touch, from accidental bumping of your thighs to his hand gripping yours, fingers intertwined.

"I really enjoyed today," you began as you stopped next to your car, the parking lot empty except for the two of you. Your heels dug in the snow and Andrei wrapped his arm around your shoulders as snowflakes began falling again. Christmas was getting closer and the colourful lights hanging in the streets and decorating the lamps made that moment even more memorable.

"Я тоже, моя дорогая."

"I have no idea what that means but I wish it's something sweet."

You felt his breath warming the skin on your neck, his nose nearly touching yours. You wanted to kiss him so badly in that moment; and it wasn't just because of the atmosphere.

"It's almost as sweet as you, I promise."

"Then I'll have to trust your word." And even as your past was messed up and your trust has been broken too many times, you couldn't help but trust this man. There was no other choice for you but to fall for him, though it'll take more time and work that letting him go.

Andrei kissed you on the nose while hugging you tight, his frame towering over you. Under his touch, your body became the instrument for his music and your heart was playing a wild and dangerous song.

"I want to see you again." you whispered breathlessly, noticing what his touch did to you. Your head felt lightweight, as if floating in the clouds.

"Not every day? I have to say I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't charm you enough-"

In response, you playfully hit him in the shoulder.

Andrei just laughed and then you were looking into each other's eyes again, falling quiet.

"I want to see you again, too." This time, his tone was serious. "And if I had the time, I'd love to see you everyday. But for now, you'll just have to settle for going out with me this Saturday."

"And what if I can't go out with you this Saturday?"

"Than I'll wait for the next one. Or the one after that one. Because you're worth the waiting, Y/N."

Your cheeks were red and not just because of the cold weather. It was the nicest thing you've heard this whole year and that Andrei said it made this memory even more precious for you.

So you kissed him. The taste of his lips was something you were secretly waiting for the whole afternoon and your bodies were in perfect sync, as if together they were a constellation falling into place.

And after all this time, you finally felt like yourself again.

I've been spending the last eight months

thinking all love ever does

is break and burn, and end

but on a Wednesday in a cafe

I watched it begin again

...

мне тоже приятно познакомиться - nice to meet you too

Я тоже, моя дорогая - me too, my darling

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