#I'm angry and I am triggered by the things I've seen

[unhinged-waterlilly]

Hello!

Something about @/demigod-jack-hearth

Something I wanna say about this post (with my reblog on it). I wanna give a side of a story. Mine to be exact.

They were one of the first people I talked to outside of rp. They were a close friend. But that fades.

I DONT WANT THEM TAGGED IN THIS I DONT WANT THEM TO KNOW ABOUT THIS. I HAVE THEM BLOCKED. IF THEY LEARN ABOUT THIS, IT IS BECAUSE SOMEONE SEND THIS TO THEM.

Tw: sa, strong language, I'm a little bitch, please please please read at your own risk

When start this by saying Jack worries me. I've seen so many post, rp or otherwise, where they bring up extremely triggering comments...just randomly. This has happened to me too. I don't get bothered by them I've been lucky enough to not deal with most and be comfortable with what I have dealt with. I think he needs professional help. Or to talk to someone that is an adult. This is difficult for some people. But there are free therapy websites out there. I have seen them. I have participated in them. The people on the other line aren't professionals but they are people willing to listen. And adults.

It started with when I saw an rp they had with camp Sky. I can't give screenshots of that but I do have some of confronting them.

Now all good right? Yeah! I thought so too. Untill an anon confronts em.

Posts here and here

Oh...kay? What's wrong about this?

Yeah...

Actively calling out anon

Now mind me I thought they had buried this au deep deep into the ground. Wasn't until I opened Circe's blog that I realised they didn't. I was pissed. I had every reason to be. We have so few stories of male victims as it is and this 'au' was blatantly disrespectful to victims of all genders. I felt really fucking disrespected that's for sure.

Unfortunately I don't confront them. But I do vent.

Now I feel bad for this. Maybe this was dirty laundry I shouldn't have aired out. But I was just so angry I couldn't think properly. I didn't mention Jack in this post, but friends figured it out. I won't say who these friends are for obvious reasons. Also, this is a bit wrong. They thought Odysseus cheated with only Circe, and Calyspo was SA. I got that wrong, and I admit it. I only remembered that when I scrolled up our dm to take a screenshot of it.

Now I wanted to leave that convo because I wasn't in the mood for arguing, and I've learned to give people what they want, which makes em and yourself stop. My fault again.

Things happen. It leads to the apology. Now, obviously, I can't tell if an apology is genuine through a screen, and I am most certainly a pessimist. So, like, I don't think it is. Also, I'm almost certain that most was written by whoever the friend was who 'helped' em.

Sure, people can change, but not enough times do they actually. Just look on the Internet. And real life. A person like Jack, well, they've talked to me enough to know it is most likely not the case. If they were so angry at a piece of good criticism, then I don't have much hope.

Am I an angry person ? Yes. Do I think I have the right to be? Yes. Am I also a logical person? I believe so. The people I've asked think so, too. I don't dislike something for no reason. But I do dislike things. What I do like is reasons for my dislikes. With me so far?

Good. Moving on.

After the apology and after I finally got my thoughts in order, I sent them a message because they tagged me. A lot.

This is what I sent. It's emotional, but in my opinion, it also makes sense. I was mad they lied to me. I was mad they twisted the story so. Fucking. Much. Odysseus isn't a rapist and Circe isn't an innocent flower. That is not what an AU is. What was their reaction to this? Nothing. To me at least.

A mutual friend told me they sent the last half of my messages and told them that they were angry I. Didn't. Thank. Them. For. The. Apology. Take that for what you will.

Now they made another post replying to the first anon who criticized them. I've read it. And when I tell you it is so fulled with self-pity-

I haven't collected my thoughts properly about this so this is bad and more emotion than the above. but this is the basic things behind it.

1) never directly addressing what he did and constantly tell em to read the apology. Don't wanna repeat yourself. How much time is it gonna take out of your day exactly?

2) not acknowledging the fact the male sa victim. At all. They don't say anything about it. No 'my condolences'. No 'I'm so sorry that happened to you' . Not acknowledging how terrible of a thing that is. At all.

3)says they aren't gonna defend themself... and defend themselves

4) have yet to tell us who these people are. Which is just bad cuz there are people out there who are okay with this. If they were IRL friends just say that.

5) it felt just fucking dull

Maybe this isn't right. Maybe you disagree with these points. But do not tell me you disagree with the rest.

I wanna end this by saying I am victim of SA. Did I tell him this? No. Maybe I should've. I don't feel comfortable sharing it. Because remembring fucking hurts. Remembering means crying and opening the lights and either sitting or laying down on my back because I can still. Fucking. Feel. It. And I was nine.

I don't want your pity on this. I don't want you to say sorry. The people you should be saying sorry to are the people who are not believed when this happens. Feel sorry for the people who cannot report this stuff because they don't trust the people who are supposed to protect them. Feel sorry for the people who think it was their fault and they actually wanted it when they didn't. 63% of rape are not reported in females. Only 12% of child rapes are reported.

I can't find a clear fucking statistics on males.

Do you know how difficult it is for males to have any representation at all? How many male victims do you see online? Even Odysseus being regonized as one is recent. Fucking. Stop. This is more than a made up story. It means the world to some people. So this actually happen. It might mean everything. This was taken away from them from so many retellings. And a stupid fucking au.

If you want to talk about SA, wanna make a character out of it, learn about it first.

So I'm not going to forgive and I am definitely not going to forget. You can. If you want. I don't care if you do. But I ask you not to forget. Please.

Post by my friend Eden

I am tagging Jack's taglist

@zariahthewitch @thegroovydaughterofhestia @if-chaos-was-a-boy @the-gods-strange-children @silena-daughterofaphrodite @fabulousdaughterofhecate @weakest-son-of-sun @chaos-pers0nified @neoptolemus-achilles-son @bast-the-best26 @goddess-of-bubblegum @hispanic-child-of-hermes @gaygirldoodles @luck-is-crucial @reyna4ever @vicious-daughter-of-zeus @feral-hermes-child @oopsies-i-did-a-thing @unfortunate-daughter-of-hestia @that-girl-cupid @ariathemortal @love-lightning-forethought @emdabitchass @kaiaalwayswins @champion-of-revenge @zoe-aura-of-d3ath @itsyourboyezra @lunar-eklipso-r @pink-koi-lovejoy @that-daughter-of-athena @sleepy-as-a-song @smileyalater @gellyhelio @daughter-ofthe-moontitan @demeters-daughter-is-done @the-smart-and-the-dumb-one @trinket-snatcher @creature-under-ur-bed @burnt-out-bitxhes @cloak-of-ares @heraaaaaaaa @unproblematic-hestia @i-was-never-sane

[annabelle--cane]

I guess the thing that makes me not so fond of Jon's addiction allegory is that it's only coherent to a certain extent? Like I think people sometimes forget that he's actively violating these people

anon, through no fault of your own you have accidentally hit upon my sleeper agent trigger phrase. I have layers of answers to this.

so first off, yeah, it's not a 1:1 direct metaphor, it's a soupy dream logic fantasy plot device with flavors of a lot of different things. there's quite a lot of addiction in there, there's some abuse of power, there's some cyclical nature of trauma, there's a dash of disability, there's a few notes of gendered violence, there's a good bit of just. violence violence and being kind of a motherfucker because goddammit it feels good to be an active agent about something in your life, even if it's just choosing to be a worse version of yourself than you strictly need to be. a lot of tma's worldbuilding is very allegorical, but apart from aspects of individual statements nothing really matches up quite 1:1 with a real world counterpart, and if more things did then it probably wouldn't be a fantasy show anymore.

secondly. okay to contextualize this answer a little bit I have a kind of hypothetical video essay project about vampirism and addiction that I like to spend a few hours thinking about every so often but am almost certainly never going to make because the full research burden required is a lot higher than I actually have the time to properly do. but because of that I've spent a lot of time sorting through why framing vampires as addicts really works for me in a way that it doesn't seem to for everyone, and I think a lot of my thoughts on that also apply to jon. there's going to be a bit of a detour here before we get back to talking about tma, but we'll get there, I prommy.

I've seen a lot of people take issue with various paranormal addiction allegories because, a lot of the time, the act that is meant to metaphorically represent the act of use itself is something that is directly and inherently harmful to others, e.g. drinking human blood, handing over power to your hedonistic Evil alter ego, holding the cursed amulet and going crazy going stupid, slurping trauma out of the head of some guy you ran into on a boat to norway, etc., and yeah, I do get that. substance use is not inherently harmful like that to anyone except sometimes the user themself, and addicts are not inherently fucked up and destructive people; those are dangerous stereotypes that often lead to the demonizing of a whole group of sick people.

here's the thing for me, though: those are definitely truths I want explored and represented when it comes to portrayals of non-allegorical actual addicts, but fantasy fiction isn't for showing the world as it is, it's for showing a subjective fun house mirror version of reality where certain aspects are minimized and magnified depending on how it feels to live through it. and yes, absolutely in real life drug use is not an inherently evil act and it does not make you an inherently evil person, but... doesn't it kind of feel like that? sort of? absolutely no one is living their best life nor on their best behavior while experiencing any kind of major mental illness episode, and when it comes to addiction you've got a very clear tangible symbol of when The Episode is happening that it feels like you have much more control over than when it comes to other illnesses. it's also a thing where people are a lot more likely to be openly angry and distrustful of you if they find out it's happening. so you mix together the ideas of "I know I get worse as a result of doing this one specific thing" + "I act less like myself when I'm using, it rearranges my priorities and I care less about hurting people because that's what happens when you're experiencing The Horrors" + "society at large/people directly around me are pretty quick to say that doing this is evil," and you get the subjective emotional result of "I hurt people by using and it makes me monstrous." I tend to respond to those kinds of paranormal allegories like they're just cutting out the middle man of those subjective fears. "using makes me monstrous" -> "using is monstrous."

anyway. jon archivist.

don't get me wrong, I totally understand if this aspect of metaphor doesn't gel for some people and they only like taking it exactly as far as the text explicitly makes them, but I really get a lot out of reading jon's connection to the fears as addiction precisely because he does genuinely awful things to people as a result of it. he's a person in a very bad physical and mental place with little to no support who is constantly being told by both allies and enemies that he's already a monster just by being alive, and he copes with that by secretly falling further and further into an compulsive act of consumption that skews his priorities and makes him care less about hurting people because at least sometimes getting to be the cause of pain makes him feel a little bit less powerless when he has to be the subject of pain the rest of the time. then he's found out and is made to stop, and he has to grapple not just with the physical toll of withdrawal but with knowing there is a not insignificant part of him that will excuse any act of malice if he knows he'll feel better afterwards.

the end of tma is very explicit in the fact that the rules of its world are shaped by the subjective worst fears of those who live in it, it's "an exercise in unreliably reality" as jonny sims put it once, and I think that principle extends backwards in some ways to apply to the rest of the show. I don't think the fact that there are only entities of fear and not hope or love is meant to be a full commentary on the total nature of the real world, it's a reflection of what fear and suffering can make the world feel like. eric and melanie both go to really harsh extremes to extricate themselves from the fears and live peaceful lives, and in both cases something happens that foils their plans (getting murdered + the apocalypse, respectively), but I don't think the intended message is to say that is definitively how real life works, they are metaphors for the limits of individual agency in larger systems and represent two types of worst-case-scenarios. similarly, I don't think reading jon as an addict implies that addiction inherently involves violence or that the reactions of those around him were completely unjustified, it's just a subjective exploration of the kinds of fears that can come with addiction dialed up to 100.

[threepandas]

Bad End: Witness

"Specimen '873 is starting to disappoint me. He was showing such promise. These numbers, however?" My keeper muttered to himself, distaste painting his face as he watched the feed in front of him. "Unacceptable for a battle class. He might as well be spare biomass at this point."

He was supposed to be wearing his glasses, not holding them. They may have been called "reading" glasses? But they were not, technically, just for that. They also had a blue light filter. Helped with headaches and eyestrain. He just hated wearing them because he thought they made him look old.

A God Forbid ANYTHING remind him of the passage of time.

He did NOT take it kindly.

I managed to avoid THAT landmine by virtue of having witnessed his receiving them. An "incident" that resulted in his head slamming against a screen. Protocol demanded he get checked. In the process, they discovered his eye sight was declining. It was a... bad day. I brought him things to break and stayed very, very quiet.

He bounced back fairly quickly, though. Once the arrogant researcher who had arranged for the incident to even OCCUR? Tried to come lord his "weakened old man" status over him. It was one thing to "accidently" let the battle class get unfettered access to weapons before loyalty train. But to be dumb enough to step into his lab, call him weak, and gloat about it?

Dr. Raghnall Periculum was many things.

But "unwilling to bludgeon a man to death with the nearest object" was not one of them.

He was dangerous like that. Murderous. It came and went like shifting storms, all you could really do was learn to read the triggers. Get good at knowing when to back up. When to hold really, REALLY still. After all... this was a lawless, immoral place. No one here could or WOULD stop him.

They were all just as bad.

Gritty Sci-Fi Otome games are... a lot less fun to LIVE. To be honest? They are actually pretty horrifying. Traumatizing, really. Hellish. As in, I am pretty sure this is a futuristic version Of Hell (but that is a personal opinion). I regret EVER playing a single damn one. But... BUT? I CLING to the knowledge I gained from it. So I can not regret it completely. Because through them? Through KNOWING this world?

I KNOW this will end. KNOW we will be free. That these monsters will pay for what they've done. The epilog promises a golden age. A beautiful, peaceful dawn after this long and terrible night, filled with horrors. I just... I just have to survive. Hold on. Keep my head down and pray.

I may be trapped in hell, but I'm not broken.

We will be Free.

I have SEEN IT.

Sometimes the greatest defiance is just refusing to die. Just keeping hope alive. I... I can do that. May not be able to fight my way out. Not smart enough to hack or sabotage these nightmares. But I can stay alive. I... I can do that. Bear witness, that someday I may stand against them in trial. Record. So no one is forgotten.

It doesn't feel like enough. I feel tired and angry. Hateful and small. But for the sake of my sanity? I make myself feel nothing. Compartmentalize. I've... I've become unfortunately quite good at it. Good at a lot of terrible things. Like placating. Making myself small. Being invisible. A retail smile. Being one with the furniture.

See, just like the poor souls on the screens in front of him? I'm a Clone. Of who? I have no idea. None of us do. They use old DNA databases. From when it was first commercially available, I think. Like those ancestry tests. Here it was squirrelled away, kept for later use. Which... was us.

My template has been dead for centuries, I think. Or perhaps? She would have considered herself my mother? I hope she would have, strange as I turned out to be. We are all children of the dead. It'd be nice to think they'd have wanted us.

Dr. Periculum's cup lifts lightly as he take a drink, more focused on his work then anything else. That heft is about midway point. I've discovered if I begin brewing now, it will be done by the time his cup is empty and he wants more. A glance at the closest screen gives me the time. Food too, is a good idea.

He likely won't eat it. But if it's there? The chances are higher. And when he comes out of his focus, it'll be available. Less chance of him getting irritated by hunger.

On a well practiced route through piles of notes and projects I know better then to touch, I quietly make my way to the coffee machine. Begin another round of abomination the caffeine tar. It is, quite honestly, a wonder he hasn't accused me of trying to poison him to a heart attack.

A few granules of salt, a bit of cinnamon, some expensive fatty creamer, aaaand? There. Unholy bitterness gone. "Just" a cup of liquid tar so potent it could make a rhino taste time.

I also grab one of the meat pies and put it on a little paper plate.

Ah... what has my life become? That I am so well practiced in make snacks for a monster? Picking them up, I don't dare answer that. That way lies madness. Don't think about it. It can wash out in therapy. After. Because there WILL be an After. There HAS to be an After.

Careful steps and...? Just as I estimated. He just ran out. I nearly silently tap the paper plate down to the edge of the table then slide it forward, with-in ease of reach, but not too close. Then I swap the cups. Go to step away. Only to freeze. As, out of the corner of my eye, I see one of his hands briefly leave his keyboard to make a nearly dismissive "one moment" gesture.

Stay put. Don't move. I'll address you when I'm done with my, more important, thoughts. I feel the flash of fear, of panic, but let it go. There is nothing I can do. I will be hurt or I won't be hurt. There is no use suffering twice, through speculation and fear, I remind myself. Force my mind empty and pleasant. Retail smile. Happy to serve.

He finishes. Leans back, dissatisfied with some project or other, and finally slips on his glasses. Gestures imperiously for the cup in my hands. I do not question of course, merely hand it to him. He takes it, passes it to his other hand, and sets it aside. Then, casually, leans slightly over and wraps a thickly muscled arm around my waist. Dragging me off my feet and into his lap.

"You know, girl? B-21873 really was, actually quite promising. I was starting to think I'd keep him. Decent speed, good stamina, excellent problem solving. His test scoring was exceeding all expectations. Really thought I might have gotten you a little friend to play with. A gaurd so I could send you out on some chores safely. But no, he just HAD to be a failure." He said, leaning forward to grab his cup.

I was crushed awkwardly close. Could feel every moment. Acutely aware of his woody and sea air cologne, the coffee on his breath as words were spoken far to close, the beating of a heartbeat I could feel against my arm. Hyper aware of him. Why was I in his lap? This felt dangerous. I should not be in his lap.

Between sips, he turned his head and pressed his lips to my temple, not kissing... somehow worse. Just... just breathing me in. Slow, deliberate, and deep. Like savoring a scent, a sensation. The subtle back and forth, as though rubbing his lips against my hair. Enjoying the feeling against sensitive skin. It could almost be a cuddle on any other man. It took everything I had not to shudder.

"Unlike you of course. You pet, could never disappoint me. If these rejects tried even half as hard as my perfect darling girl? The world'd be a better place." He paused his almost nuzzling. To simply rest his head against mine, pulling off his glasses so he could tuck his head closer. His breathe was hot against my ear. His voice gravel and distain as it spoke of others.

"It's disgusting. Like they don't even try. We spend countless resources breeding, feeding, and training them... for what? Failure? I'm starting to think those bastards are deliberately sending me bad specimens."

Every word he said was horrifying. I could not cry. Dare not. But my heart screamed for those poor souls. They were just kids. Trapped in hell. Tortured from birth. Disposed of when they no longer met some arbitrarily impossible anime standard. If I turned my head, even slightly, I KNEW, I would be faced with screens of untold suffering. Feeds of "testing". So called training. Autopsy reports and datapoints.

Lists of who... who had been deemed "not good enough".

Who were scheduled to become "recycled biomass".

But if I looked? I would weep for them. And that? That was dangerous right now. Right NOW? I had to be pleasant company. A child's doll to be dragged around. No thoughts, no differing opinions. Preferably no opinions at ALL. Just warm and huggable. Soft. A beloved pet who serves coffee and brings things when told. Endure. I just... I must simply ENDURE.

The night will end. Dawn will come. Believe in her.

J-Just empty your head... and Believe In Her.

An alert pops up. I can hear it on a screen somewhere behind me. Dr. Periculum turns his head to look, reaching for his snack. Freezes. Then, a sharp bark of laughter. It's violent, like the strike of a lightning bolt, jostling me. The ones that follow just as harsh. He's not a man that laughs often. And it's not a kind sound.

Filled with schadenfreude, his laughter is like the vicious barks of hunting hounds. The shots of a weapon. A short and harsh to the ears sound, over and over. Delight in the suffering of an enemy. The fall of a rival. It strikes through his body like seizures. Making him lean forward to read. Brace against the desk, tighten his grip around me, widen the brace of his legs.

Glancing up, his eyes are alight with manic glee. His grin is vicious.

He looks Feral.

"Well, well, WELL! What do we have HERE?! Is that Jack ANDERSON'S facility I see? Mr. 'Master of the genome' himself? Looks like SOMEONE got AHEAD of themselves! Ha!" Raghnall cackles spinning his chair so I can see the screen. Leaning back to grab his cup and toast with it. "Look what we have here, pet! Some fucking KARMA! I knew that little shit wasn't worth the paper his degree was printed on! See this? THIS is what happens when you can't control your own damn compound!"

"Rest in PIECES, you worthless little SHIT!"

I sat. Frozen. As Dr. Periculum laughed and laughed, his mood viciously pleased. Because... because I recognized that facility. Chapter Two. There was an animation that played. The... the BREAKOUT! Joy filled me. Like the first rays of dawn. That was HER. S-she was OUT! Free! She DID it! Oh god... oh god she was COMING! It had finally BEGUN!

I caught myself. Barely.

My eyes felt a bit wet so I disguised it with a fake yawn. I dare not show empathy. NEVER show empathy. Keep it guarded like diamonds in your chest. If he thought, for even a moment, that I empathized with anyone but him. CARED about anyone but him? They wouldn't last the hour.

And it would be the longest, cruelest, hour in existence, as they died.

You make that sort of mistake exactly ONCE.

"Ah~ todays a GOOD day. And you know what we should do?" He hummed, nearly a coo as he spun us almost lazily around on his chair. In whimsical circles like a bored child. "We should celebrate. Ding dong, the fuckers dead~ HA HA! Not to mention? It's been entirely too long, pet, since I've spoiled you rotten. We should get a cake, hmm? You want a cake? Lil treat? Sweet lil treat for my girl?"

"I could get you that new dress I've been looking at. Bet you'll look like a classy lil princess, won't that be nice? Can even make it match the trackers I'm finishing up! No more uncomfy collars when we go out! Just pretty lil bracelets, ain't that nice?"

I force myself to smile. Nod. Ignore the fear and anger, the humiliation and helplessness. It's not time yet. Bid your time. You will LOSE your chance for True Freedom if you give in to your anger. Your hurt. Patience, THEN strike. Remember! Chapter two! There are FIVE.

It is COMING.

He stopped spinning, planting his feet on the floor. His manic grin softening. No less unhinged, less full of teeth, but perhaps the closest a man like him could come to loving. His eyes obsessive as the roam my face. Cataloging everything.

"You know, pet? You really might be might greatest creation. Best thing I've ever made or done. Anyone wants you? They'd have to pry you from my cold, dead hands. I'd burn EVERYTHING down. Kill just about EVERYONE." His voice was the sort of whispered confession meant for churches, not the heart of this hell he had built. It felt unholy. Dangerous.

Exactly like him.

"Once I figure how to take humanity to it's next stage? Reverse aging? Heck, even stop it. I promise, pet. Gonna take you with me. You're coming along for the ride. Straight to the end. Heat death of the universe. Well become GODS, pet. Live forever and a day. Bet you can't wait, huh?"

"Don't worry. The futures going be BEAUTIFUL. Just you wait."

[k9emote]

My final response to every accusation made about me.

Hi. As basically, the entirety of emoteblr knows, I have had a lot of hatred, misinformation, and vague angry paragraphs thrown towards my community and me. Barely anyone has communicated what they're so mad about, but I'll try to stitch it all together from a few people who've spoken to me and answer the best I can. "You spread misinformation about number names! Not all number name trauma is RAMCOA!"

You're right! I misworded that because I hadn't known that RAMCOA wasn't the only source of number-name trauma. Because no one told me. I am a RAMCOA victim and have only heard of number-names related to RAMCOA. I didn't know other forms of abuse used number-names. I know that now thanks to a kind person who opened a ticket in my server, and I will edit my server rules accordingly. My opinion stays the same; people who haven't been abused/tortured etc with number names should not use them. I have met countless other victims who agree with me. You can call that an opinion of mine, sure! If you disagree, kindly block me. I am sorry to anyone I said "You can only use number names if you're a RAMCOA victim." to, I had meant that only people with number name trauma can use them to reclaim the name, I assumed RAMCOA was a broad enough term that it covered all types of number-name trauma, but I was mistaken. I'm sorry. That's all I will say on that matter.

"There was a misinformative carrd in your server that didn't explain RAMCOA correctly!" It's been spread that the carrd was mine! that is not true AT ALL. It was taken down a long time ago and replaced with a much better resource. I hadn't personally looked at the carrd because topics of RAMCOA often trigger me, my partner was the one to send the carrd. My partner had seen the carrd sent elsewhere and had no idea it had misinformation. It was used as a quick resource for someone to know what RAMCOA was, and as soon as a kind server member pointed out it wasn't a good resource literally minutes after it was posted, it was taken down and replaced. People make mistakes, and my partner fixed his almost immediately. If you are angry at that, then I'm sorry but you are REACHING for things to hate me for. "The guillotine (public ban) channel you have in your server encourages hate and death threats!"

I am deeply sorry to anyone who recieved any threats/hate/harassment from my public bans. I have always stated to never contact the people I ban , and it was listed in the channel description as well.

No one had EVER told me that they were receiving hate or threats after being banned, otherwise, I would've taken this channel down much sooner. I have yet to receive any proof of these claims or even speak to the victims themselves. I have only heard this passed around from outside people. When I have asked, I am refused evidence for the "sake of anonymity" which I respect but unfortunately cannot ban any individuals without user IDs or genuine reasons. The only thing I could do in response to this is take the channel down, which I have done.

On the topic of death threats, people have claimed that one of my mods was sending them... but refused to show any evidence or tell me who it was. I have spoken to my mods and all of them have said they would never, so I genuinely have no idea what to do. If anyone has further evidence, please contact me. Most of my mods don't even have an active account on tumblr.

A trend I am seeing with the people who are typing up long paragraphs on how I am toxic and immature are people I've banned for going against my boundaries, reposting hate towards me even after said hate was asked to be taken down by both me and the person I had wronged, and other vile behavior in my server. I have not been given descriptions or details on who feels wronged, so I can not apologize for any actions because I genuinely have no idea what I did. I have not come out to say anything not because I am hiding, but because I am lacking SO MUCH evidence or even witness testimony on what I've done wrong. I have no issue apologizing to people I might've hurt, but I cannot do so without a proper conversation with said people. The one person who offered to tell me things refused on multiple occasions to give me evidence, screenshots, direct conversations or any other sources of people explaining why they hate me. I was only given vague reasons and "maybes" To some individuals I know are spreading the hate about me; To Proxy. You were banned from my server because you were creating a story incredibly similar to RAMCOA experiences while not being a victim of any sort of torture yourself (which you stated.) You said you were allowed to have an OC with a number name because it was based off a media that did the same, and that it was a "lab rat character" and therefore didn't count. When I, a victim of the torture you were using for roleplay, tried to educate you on why it was still wrong no matter your intent, you threw a tantrum and refused to listen. You were clearly uneducated on all forms of numbername trauma and refused to understand when not only I, but multiple other victims were trying to explain why it was wrong. Your roleplay OC was more important to you than a victim asking you to stop. The way you spoke to me was vile, invalidating, belittling and triggering. I am not sorry for the anger I displayed when I was spoken to like my own abuser would speak to me. I had a right to be angry and I started off extrememly understanding and polite despite your actions. Your OC was also affiliated with Nazis and the holocaust, which is fucking disgusting. I don't care what comic/media/etc it's based off of. I don't care if it's fiction or if you don't intend to base it on real life matters. Fictionalizing things that are rooted from real trauma and genocides as someone who has not experienced either is a horrible thing to do. I hope you realize how sickening you've acted.

Proxies messages were accidentally deleted when we banned them, but heres a screenshot my partner took during the arguement. Oh and before I forget, Proxy claimed to be "proshipper neutral" because it was "just fiction." despite knowing what it entailed. They have since been educated, but I wanted to share that their opinion on "fiction does not equal reality" mind set is extremely harmful.

Their reasoning on why they thought it was fine! (both is proxy) ^ Proxy also sent something in my inbox that I responded to publicly, ignoring all that they had done and completely going against my DNI of them. You can see that on my blog. To Alexfroppy. You were banned because my mod pointed out to me that you had reposted a tumblr post promoting the hatred towards me and my community, between an issue I had with another creator who has since forgiven me. Both me and Lemon (the creator) asked the Original Poster to take it down. You still reposted, directly supporting something going against the boundaries of both creators involved. You say "well I also posted something against the threats." Great! That's the bare minimum and resposting something that got me threats in the first place completely contradicts and cancels out you discouraging it. We pulled you into a ticket and tried to politely explain what you did wrong, to which you replied carelessly and with an incredibly dry tone. It was clear to me you didn't care when you stated "I'm only here for the emojis" and never apologized. That is why you were banned.

This is the entire ticket conversation. They were not banned for "just liking and reblogging a post". They were banned for purposely reblogging something that went against both creators boundaries which inherently encourages threats and hate towards me no matter your intent. People say "Hey your guillotine/public ban channel is getting people threatened!" and I apologize and quickly take down the channel. I say "Hey your reblogs are getting me threatened" and I don't get an apology, nor did they take down the reblog and ended up joining the hate train and calling me immature and toxic for being terrified for my safety. To FleurDeMort / Pierce. I don't know if you're directly involved in any of this, but with how open you are about hating me and claiming I ban unfairly, I think It's safe to assume you are. You were originally banned for being involved in a drama that was making me break down and shut down as quickly as I could. I apologize for acting quickly out of fear, that is my fault, and I would've been more than happy to apologize to you directly just like I did the other person involved. However. I, after calming down, apologized for my passive agression and panicked actions a day or two afterwards. I unbanned the person I had directly spoke harmfully to, and apologized as did they. You typed out a message for the other person fighting me to send. It was filled with misinformation, was invalidating, ignored all my points in the debate, and was disrespectful.

If anyone wants more information on my view of this, I made a post here stating all the points that I made in this ticket that they completely ignored. You are an adult. You can be mad at me for being immature, but what does that make you? You , afterwards in anger, claimed that my ADULT MOD was "Jacking me off" for defending me.

That is fucking disgusting NO MATTER YOUR INTENT. I could give less of a fuck if that's an expression. I am an AMAB 16 year old and commenting that an adult who defended me was "jacking me off" at your grown ass age is fucking vile. There were a MILLION different expressions you could've used, but you chose that one. You have not apologized, you've only defended yourself in my friends servers and claimed that I am taking things out of proportion. Instead of apologizing and realizing that your angry statement was weird and sexual no matter your intent, you've chosen to defend yourself and throw a tantrum in partnered servers of mine about how you did no wrong.

Here's them opening a ticket in another server and defending themselves, so that people don't claim I'm not showing the full story. I acknowledge me and my mods didn't handle the situation correctly, I was dealing with a lot of stress and made bad decisions. That's my fault, and I am sorry. I have been forgiven by the person I hurt ( V ). They have forgiven me and are a happy active member in my server, and one of my main defenders. Here is all context provided to the "jacking k9 off" statement, just incase anyone wants to claim im not giving """Full context""" like Pierce has claimed.

This conversation wasn't even about me. They brought me up in a single sentence to say that my mod was "jacking me off" for not siding with them. I don't care what emotional state you were in, you're 19 saying that about an 18 and 16 year old. You should be ashamed. "It's an expression" does not give you an excuse to say that about a child just because you're angry. I am an AMAB 16 year old. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were to say "They'er fingering k9!", you would get a lot more hate. My body as a male should be held to the same standard, expression or not. I make mistakes and apologize for them. You make mistakes and defend yourself. That is the line of difference.

Here's them being manipulative to V after V had forgiven me, and trying to excuse saying sexual things about a child because it was "taken out of context". Saying sexual things about an adult and minor is pedophilic. I know that's a heavy word. I mean it. Your intent doesn't matter. Think before you speak.

For my final message about this drama; The amount of hypocrisy in the accusations about me is hilariously pathetic. I am not here to defend myself, I am here to state the facts of what happened, to share my story with these banned members, and to state that still even after all the hate sent to me, I do not understand what I've done wrong besides ban people who have wronged me without remorse and make a few accidents in my communitcation. I have not ever used my age or mental state as an excuse for my actions. There is a huge difference between "I'm not sorry, It's not my fault, I'm a child and I'm mentally ill" And "I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, I am still growing and not in a good place mentally. My actions have been influenced my by current mental health and I've made mistakes. I have apologized and will try my best to grow" which is my statement and what I've stated in the past. If anyone who I have wronged wants to DM me on tumblr or discord to explain their side of the story and be apologized to, I am completely open for that. I want nothing more than to fix my mistakes and make people happy. That has been my wish from the start. I never act on malicious intent, I've never encouraged threats towards those who have hurt me, and I will never do either of those things. I have over 1,000 members in my server who are constantly telling me how safe they feel in my community, how it's the only place they've actively spoken, how much they love my art and me, and I love them back. To all that have treated me like human and been unbiased in your view of the drama thrown at me, thank you. I love you all. You uplift my life and I couldn't possibly express my gratitude in words. I will continue making emojis for verbal accessability and I will continue to grow, be better, and mature in my responses to threatening or scary situations. You say I'm toxic for being confused and angry, for not reacting well to proofless accusations of my character as a person, of ignoring people who have no evidence or who wont even mention what I've directly done wrong. Yet you chase after my every mistake, you grab at my flaws that I work on every day to improve, and you use FORGIVEN ISSUES against me. This community is toxic because of people like you.

How hard was it for a single one of you to politely DM me and inform me on what I was doing wrong? How hard was it to maturely speak to me about what you think isn't okay? You call me immature yet you spread lies about me like a childrens game of telephone. I am sorry for anyone who I've hurt. I am not sorry for being human. Do not harass anyone I have mentioned in this. I do not condone hatred, even if they have encouraged it towards me. I am sorry if anyone takes what I've said as hostile. I am tired and angry of people demonizing me with little to no proof of what they claim. I am tired of sleepless nights wondering if someone is going to send me more threats or dox me. I am tired. /nav Thank you for reading.

[byuno-o]

PLACEMENTS IN MY NATAL CHART WHICH ARE HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT BUT I'M TRYING

Leo moon in 5th house in 17th degree:

This must come as a no surprise because Leo moons aren't the most practical person in the room, and my Sagittarius side wants practicality all the time. Since I have it in 5th house in a Leo degree, my thoughts and emotions often end up coming out very dramatically- I often appear to become caricaturistic, which often downplays my anger and sadness since I express myself so dramatically. However, the depth of my feelings and emotions often causes me to lose my footing from within, as I go haywire trying to make sense of self and pin point the part which actually triggered me. But on the brighter side, I have often been called, "creative" and my art has been praised a lot so, I get happy sometimes. I deal with the negative feelings alone, but my face and actions often give it all up. One friend of mine actually point out that no matter what, I can never hide my disappointments and judgements and jealousy because of my who demeanour changes whenever I am feeling those feelings. And "lighting up the room" expression is very true for Leo placements, for I've been told that phrase personally very much. And I brag unintentionally (like now! God I hate it.)

2) Jupiter and Saturn Conjuction in 2nd house, but both of the planets are in retrograde:

First of all, my Jupiter is in Gemini, so this year is my Jupiter Return. And boy, am I feeling it. I don't think this is talked enough in astrology circle, but for females, Jupiter symbolises husband, and once you are well aware of the seriousness of institution of marriage, your Jupiter Return may bring a strong sense of wanting to get married.(I WILL WRITE ABOUT IT SOON! I NEED TO PUT IT OUT!!!)

So, since I have my Jupiter and Saturn in retrograde, the good things this rare conjuction brings are not good things for me. Since Jupiter is in the detriment, and Saturn is, well, in a nicer sign (I am using it loosely), I often deal with financial crunches and financial abundance abruptly. It's is never a stable thing, although I think this is my lesson. I used to get lucky a lot back when I was in school, given that I have Jupiter in 3rd house, and money easily came to me. But once, I entered into the adult world, bet conjuction was not and is not conjuction-ing the way it should be conjuction-ing. Luck isn't by my side as it used to be, and proving myself in the field I work in is an everyday challenge. But on the brighter side, I was always saved in the nick of the time. And the things I need always find me at the right time, although the things that I want need me to work harder than I do. Lemme know if you have this placement, and let's connect!

3) Mars in Libra in 7th house in 25 degree:

This is a detriment that I absolutely cannot look past. Since I have mars in the house of external relationships and in Aries degree, I appear catty and aggressive even when I don't want to--it's almost inbuild. And when I try to appear nice and quiet, guess what? I've told that I fake myself, and well, I look like I am cursing someone inside. And, I think that can also be seen in the way I write, since my friends had often asked me if I am annoyed or angry after reading my texts and whatnot. However, Libra does not help me. Since I take a long time to get angry, my actions don't help me--I appear passive-aggressive and just emotional all the time. I wish to master this placement, just to save all my relationships. Bwahahahaha.

4) Lilith in Aquarius in 11th house:

I think you already know the problems I might be having with this placement. I don't think people talk about this much, but whoever has Lilith in Aquarius or Lilith in 11th house always deals with friends turning on them, and feeling, or made to feel like an outcast most of the time. The more unique you appear, the more people pull away from you. Now add this placement with my Mars in Libra in the house of external relationships and Leo Moon in the house of creativity. I have always dealt with people who constantly put me down whenever it came to my creativity and ideas. There were even times, when my most trusted friends backstabbed me left and right. But then again, I'd rather be unique and alone than follow the herd and live in the constant fear of not mixing well enough.

5) Jupiter trine Neptune:

Now, let me tell you, this is one of those placements which can give you the best results only if the person can control the energy of their Neptune placements, since it is works with illusions, addiction, unbridled creativity and spirituality. And those stuff need proper guidance for successful channeling, for those are double-edge swords. So, now combining my retrograde Jupiter which is in detriment with Neptune in Aquarius in 11th house. Just know, my twisted luck is very much connected with the feeling of loneliness, but the thing is--I tend to internalise it. while I can connect with people easily, and creativity do come to me rather easily (not bragging), I tend to not connect with another soul in the level I would like it. My ramblings are taken lightly, and my ideas are often crushed. And the feeling of inferiority complex, and failure hit me harder than anything--if we combine Leo moon together with this placement, let me tell you, I tend to go numb, I even fail to speak for like days, until I isolate myself and work on my creativity. For me, I am strongly against addictions, but there was a time when I was heavily smoking, and I was kind of addicted to looking for validation from others, which only worsened my relationship with self and other souls. I hope to become a better person, though. And, this year is like a fountain of youth for me, for I feel alive again, and all the roads I've regretted taking have actually brought me to peace (that is until the next chapter of my life decides to test me).

So, that's it. I don't think any of these placements are wrong or bad or even negative. I just feel like these placements are harder for me to work with since there's many lessons associated with these, and I need to fall in order to stand up and fly.

So, do let me know what you think of this, and should I make a list of placements I love in my natal chart next? Drop by, I'd love to know more.

Also, thank you very much for the love you all are showing me. I am beyond grateful!!

[creekfiend]

Hey, do you have family in Israel? Do you know whether they are alright?

sure, I do. in my experience most American Jews have family in Israel. When my family left their village in what is now Belarus, half of those leaving came to the US and half went to Palestine. (and those who remained were killed and that village does not exist anymore) I am not in close contact with the Israeli side but I expect I would have heard something if any of them had been hurt. Josh has much closer Israeli family as his brother Yoav and nieces/nephews all live there but they are also fine to my knowledge.

I appreciate the check in, but I will be perfectly honest with you that while it hurts my heart immensely that so many Israeli civilians have been killed, right now I am primarily concerned about the millions of people in Gaza without electricity or running water who have been ordered to evacuate or get exploded but who have nowhere to go. I am very, VERY concerned about the statements being made by the garbage fascists in control of the Israeli government right now openly stating their genocidal intentions on a scale that we haven't previously seen.

we are all triggered and traumatized as hell about everything, and by we I mean Jews, and I think it's understandable for us to feel that way. but I also am struggling a lot with the degree to which many of my fellow American Jews are making this ABOUT our big feelings of fear and anxiety. I understand that anticipating things becoming More Dangerous is something all Jews have had to do constantly forever. I understand that "position of relative privilege" is something that's extremely conditional for Jews and something that can be taken away at the drop of a hat. but... I don't know. I've been trying to think of anything coherent or helpful in any way to say for the past several days and coming up short. it's a nightmare. But it would be disingenuous to deny that it's a nightmare for me in ways that are removed pretty significantly from the ways in which it is a nightmare for other people.

my family is fine. I understand and empathize with the sentiments of "but what if my family becomes NOT fine?" especially when this is the largest mass killing of Jewish civilians since... well. and I am also enraged and terrified by the comfort with which many leftist gentiles seem to be practically celebrating those deaths. but I'm really preoccupied by the fact that millions of people and their families in Gaza are Not Fine in a huge and terrible way right now as we speak. this is not to say that it is a contest, but if I am doing triage, it is very clear to me whose leg is more broken right now. While acknowledging, again, that we are in a scary place globally regarding antisemitism.

Angry Jew on fb has been posting a lot of stuff that really speaks to how I am feeling right now. devastated by the horrible ways some of my people have been killed, and devastated also that inexcusable violence is being done, essentially, in my name. I hate to talk about this publicly because I also fucking wish American gentiles would kind of shut up about it a lot of the time, to be honest. and I hate feeling like I am giving anyone ammunition in their weird ideological internet fights about having The More Correct Opinion in the hypothetical trolley problem-ass situation that so many of them act like this is. the refusal to learn about any specifics of the situation in favor of just deciding it must be exactly like some other unrelated geopolitical issue that they feel they have a better handle on, and then just... overwriting the reality of the situation so that it matches up with what they are comfortable imagining in their heads. I have had to unfollow and block a lot of people lately.

I mostly talk to my safe Jewish and Muslim friends about this. and select few safe non-muslim gentiles.

Right now I am grieving for many reasons. Since you asked me about my personal connection I will tell you the main things I remember learning and feeling about this growing up. I've never been to Israel. Not close enough to my family there to visit, although my dad did, & never comfortable with programs like Birthright. I remember in the 90s my dad, who was an administrator at the school of Public Health at the local university, was helping put together programs that would bring Israeli and Palestinian universities and public health groups together to work on universal public health issues like helping ppl stop smoking, vaccination, etc. it was going really well at the time. he was going over there a few times a year to coordinate with the people running the programs there. he was really optimistic about it, & several other similar programs. this was back when Yasser Arafat and Yitzak Rabin/Shimon Peres were having a lot of talks that were seemingly productive and hopeful. like obviously it was hardly a golden age but it seemed like maybe Israel was moving away from violence. and then 9/11 happened and everything exploded and all the little programs simply disappeared and my dad never went back to work with anyone. and then fucjing... Netanyahu. and it seems like since then everything only gets worse and worse and further and further from anything other than horrible violence, and that devastates me

In high school I took a Mideast Civ class and one of my fellow students was a kid whose parents had been expelled from Palestine during the war and fled to America. what I remember being struck by when he talked about this was how his family's story was so similar to my family's story and a deep sense of shame and anger that people who had undergone what my family had could then make his family undergo the same thing. That's still a pretty big part of how I feel. I don't accept that that kid's experience was necessary to keep me or my family safe.

I'm just a guy. I try my best to learn as much as I can and listen to a large variety of people connected to this so I can have a more holistic view of things. I'm not making this post rebloggable for obvious reasons but since it's here on my blog, for anyone reading who is also feeling despair, here's some organizations that are good to follow & support if you are able (non-exhaustive obviously)

synagoguesrising.org Synagogues Rising is a coalition of leftist synagogues in the US who advocate for Palestinian liberation and who are currently begging the US government to work to deescalate military violence and provide humanitarian aid to people in Gaza

refuser.org Refusers Solidarity Network is a group advocating for Israelis who refuse to serve in the military as conscientious objectors

map.org.uk Medical Aid for Palestinians living under occupation & as refugees

Genuinely, thanks for asking about my family. if you also have family in the area, I hope they are also alright.

I want everyone to be alright. I know this is a lot of big baby feelings and no particular political ideologies or solutions and that's because I'm just one fucking Jew and I'm not an activist or a revolutionary and I kind of feel a bit like other online people could stand to admit more often that they're also just some guy and also not activists or revolutionaries. I sure have beliefs and I sure feel strongly about them, but man, right now I just want to express grief & anger & worry about how awful this government is and how many people they're going to kill and how much I wish it was not happening

my family is Ok.

eta: I'm reading this back and realizing that as a response to this ask it makes it sound like I'm saying that inquiring about the well-being of someone's Israeli relatives is like, inherently devaluing the well-being of other ppl and I very much am not saying that and do not believe that. I'm just enormously emotionally dysregulated and this got me kind of stream of consciousness about all of the things I have been chasing around in my brain about this.

[bluginkgo]

Just what in the fack did I watch... I'm gonna go watch it again just for funsies and to cry again (Rambles/Thoughts)

This post will mostly contain random rambles and thoughts I had while watching and rewatching the episode. And a lot of this is just going to be me ranting about scenes (the rants will most likely make you wanna go "Ginkgo, that's common sense we can see it smh." XD Just roll with it. Oh and NUzi scenes

Spoilers, duh and lots of words. Oh and gore warning? Kinda?

I mean... that scary *ss mother facking thing towards the end- you know what I'm talking about if you watched the ep 😅

First thing I found interesting, is how the Solver behaves in this scene. It's mere shadows, not even fully manifested. Further proves that the Solver transcends simple time and space, and is on a different plane of existence- a 4th dimension if you will.

The humans did, in fact, learn how to control the Solver. The pentagram like projections act as gravity enforcers and lights that subdue the solver for a period of time. Buuuut it seems that it's not full proof. It seems that this occurance is fairly common, seeing as the workers nearby were not very concerned that an eldrich being was about to break loose.

Alright another slow moment here. But I had to google wtf "MacGuffin" meant (English isn't my first language, so take it easy on me ;w;). And taking this straight from the google search "an object or device in a movie or a book that serves merely as a trigger for the plot." So most likely, the Absolute Solver is referring to the fact that Mitchell the intern set things in motion simply because he was mistaken for the real Dr. Chambers... Classic- CLASSIC human mistake XD

So... Heart/Nori. Something interesting is going on with her. I believe Nori WAS injured by the DDs and had to be finished off by Khan. I'll touch on Khan a bit later. But, just as seen with Eldrich J... I'm not sure why I've never thought of this before! It makes sense for Nori's corrupted core: Heart, to still function properly. Meaning, she could have snuck away when she was killed and returned to the cathedral to search for the crucifix. Uzi gets most of her style from Nori 🥹. Seems like Uzi got her mom's style and Khan's engineering abilities.

I had it all wrong- and I am ALL FOR IT! N wasn't afraid of something he saw ahead. He was upset with what they left BEHIND! V! And THIS ENTIRE SCENE

You cannot believe how surprised I was. This scene was so much better than I could have imagined it. Yes, it was painful to watch, but sweet robo-god this was executed SO DAM WELL TwT It was delicious angst. And Tessa was not in fact drawing her sword on Uzi, but instead protecting her... kinda... with an ulterior motive of course.

The gut wrenching betrayal right there. The animation team did a wonderful job at animating the betrayal and how it manifested in Uzi. Disbelief and then anger.

Not to mention her stumble. I hyper fixated on that stumble a bit too much on my first 2 watches. (Yes, I've rewatched the episode 8 times now, hush I love it XD). Her stumble shows weakness. And in that moment, she wishes to be anything BUT weak. The suspicion of betrayal is settling in, and she needs to be able to fight back. But her body is giving out. The events are taking a toll on her. And makes me appreciate the animation detail that much more.

This scene N is definitely angry. He's trying his best to keep it together and Tessa's pressure to injure and kill Uzi is not helping. So for him to be talking to Uzi, while glaring at Tessa is just him driving the point home. He is NOT going to hurt Uzi, no matter what they might find down in the labs.

But a poor choice of words that was. It gives Uzi a glimpse of what was actually happening and what has been bothering N. The trust vaporizes, and with it, any attempts with communication.

And what I believe, gives a nod back to ep2. As N steps in to try to help Uzi up, she retreats. Same happens in this episode. And the kicker? "Falling... for you" song starts lightly playing in the background.

This is far too comical after he says he deserves to have his limbs cut off. The whiplash I got from that is ridiculous... in a sad and funny way.

What an amazing shot. But it does paint a picture of what the DDs have done. Perhaps the blood also acted as cooling agents, and this is why the trend continued with robots- except this time around as oil. And this is what the Administration CYN most likely blocked out. Not only the manor time, but also the bloodbath that followed as Earth collapsed.

THE DOG MADE IT IN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's interesting on how the solver manifests in the drones. It seems that Uzi's wings and tail, do not make the solver go insane, and she can continue to use it. However, later in the episode the same wings and tail go berserk. So it seems that once the transformation has set in- like with Uzi- it becomes part of the drone rather something that is manifested by the Absolute Solver's control.

SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE XD Part 2A that Khan refers to is on the bottom left corner, the green core that Uzi got a hold of back in pilot episode- also titled as "I think this is a robot liver or something lol."

Plan B: Uzi could have had a normal gun if railgun didn't work. Bottom right corner

Top left corner under Uzi's railgun title: "30 min recharge time. That'll be fine." Famous last words ever XD

Top right corner: "Other things it can do: Not judge me, force prom dance, I can say I had friends but fricken murdered them with sci fi weaponry."

I love how sassy he is here XD His character development and arc is something that I will never forget. He has definitely come a great ways. Khan also seems adamant about his wife being completely dead. Which proves that he didn't know a single thing about the Absolute Solver and what it can do. He could only reference Nori's insane drawings and deduce that the planet was going to eat them all soon.

Idk if this is just my tired brain, but this comment felt like a joke to me. (Remember, I don't know anything about computers and the language ;w;) But the physical patch to save herself... as in, the same patches that are sent out for games/programs to fix bugs? That's the joke I got out of that one 😅

This entire sequence was something out of my nightmares XD The heel tapping that KEPT GETTING QUICKER definitely had me reeling back from the screen XD

The Nori and Yeva scene was so wholesome 🥹. I loved the way the animators showed their interaction. Despite the hellish events, they were still close.

My only issue with this image is, on what is Doll moving? Not like the floor. The core is gone from her body, what the heck is still driving her forward? Perhaps just on the sheer will to warn Uzi to "fight back." And I suppose I can see how she could still move without her main core. Almost acting like chickens do, when you cut their heads off. One was able to live for 18 months after the head was cut. So I suppose I can get behind the idea that Doll's final wish was to warn Uzi, at the very least, and thus forced the body to move until it did so.

But then, Tessa shows up. Which makes me wonder if she was the one that simply lead Doll's body to come to Uzi. How? Uhhh... Absolute Solver! Let's just go with that sweat face. The con in that theory is a simple: why? Why bother leading Doll to Uzi? To spook her? To give a false reason to attack Uzi? Given that N was still very much behind them all, I don't see why the Absolute Solver would try to make up some odd reason to attack Uzi. It could just simply... go ahead. There was no one there to fool, and could incapacitate Uzi easily. Buuuut I could also be looking too deep into this, as per usual.

Hey guess what.

I found the answer. XD Just as I'm typing this up, a frame popped up.

Yup, the core was still inside and thus running Doll and thus Doll could move, ok carry on. XD

Emotions spike the Absolute Solver, something that I love seeing and appears to be less headcanon and more canon at this point for me. Through the entire episode, the Solver keeps glitching out and forcing Uzi to lose control because in this situation, she's very stressed. A betrayal, a misunderstanding, learning about the past, everything becomes too much. This makes keeping the solver at bay that much harder.

He did NOT give her any chance. Yes or no, Tessa. That suddenness surprised me- in a good way. This shows how much N has grown. He's willing to stand up for his beliefs that much better. If he suspects something, he now acts on it, and does not wait for the other side to perhaps change his mind.

This scene. This scene shall live in my head rent free for a long while... Actually, the entire episode is gonna live rent free for a while. XD Not to mention the "Falling... for you" song plays in the background yet again. Ugh, pulling on heart strings there ;w;

They had us all fooled XD The hand lights were on just to trick us, and in fact were meant to be off this entire time! Oh you sneaky sneaky people. >w<

ALL OF THESE SCENES, they're all so cruel but SO GOOD TwT So cruel in context of how tortured N must be to fight Uzi, but so good in context that this fight sequence and animation is executed SO WELL. All of Nori's slaps were so personal XD Mama Nori educating NUzi

When I saw this scene, I couldn't help but think of ep3 and their dance. This entire episode is so bittersweet ;w;

She's still there TwT And she sees this entire fight. Of what she has become and done to N and omg I'm crying again. Moving on.

OMG YOU SILLY GOOBER BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH XD I love Nori/Heart's reaction, but the Absolute Solver also gets me laughing a bit too hard. "WHAT." That's so simple yet so effective. "What. Why. You are a DD I sent to kill the hosts, why are you hanging out."

The entire scene with NUzi screaming. Just. YES. What better way of gettin rid of stress than screaming! ^_^

Oh you sneaky, sneaky people. Well, all I can say, you got me. You got me good. This is something I didn't think of, but should have. It's simple to get these shots with certain rigs missing. And it was done seamlessly. Well done, well done. I begrudgingly applaud you. XD

HE'S PATTING HER HEAD AAAAHHHHH *proceeds to ascend to another realm*

They did not... omg they did XD Ah, yes, welcome a new horror oh and by the way here- :3 a cute face

Omg they look so cool- KHAN WTF XD

LOL J THE PRIOR HAZARD WARNING AHAHAHAHAHA

The way she shook his hand trying to snap him back to himself and wake up 😭. And the entire sequence following this... I'm just now slowly starting to process it, oh and great I'm sobbing again. Alright, moving on.

Well, I have some thoughts in this. This is personal thoughts, thus this is where you are more than free to yeet this section into the void that Uzi was dragged into... sorry that was a bad joke- anyways. "Die mad." I feel like this is her way of telling N to not give up. To go out there and FIGHT. But if he can't win, then to die like she is. To die in a way that he will be proud of and to go batsh*t crazy. Because by now, Uzi must know that all of their chances of survival are slim. So you might as well go out with a bang and "die mad."

Something I noticed and was further solidified when @bloodywolfwings also mentioned it. Uzi looks at peace here and very accepting of death. And I say, yes, she very much is. I think this was a way of her asking N for forgiveness. For getting mad at him in the beginning of the episode, for failing to be useful/protecting N, and for fighting against him- despite being possessed. And perhaps even, as an incredibly insane and radical thought, for loving him. This entire episode has put the characters and us through the wringer, and that "sacrifice" was just the cherry on top.

Something I have seen already mentioned once at very least (by @/rebecca-babe) and something that also put me on edge was the ending credits... or the lack of. Of course, all the credits roll, but it's not the usual type. Instead of an upbeat music that is either "Uzi the drone killer" or a theme that was seen in the episode... its SILENCE. Being a musician myself, I love how much love has been put into Murder Drones. The sound effects and the main music are always top-notch. But that ending unsettled me the most. The lack of all noise is something that is terrifying and unsettling in that ending. Almost like all the music and sound left with the "sacrifice" of the main character, Uzi. The entire episode was filled with sounds, silence only being present when something incredibly WRONG was happening - like at the beginning when intern Mitchell re-entered the cathedral. And as much as I love how well executed this entire scene was, I hated it. Because that scene does the job that it was set out to do. Put you on edge, and make you feel like all hope is lost. That this is it. This is the end.

This is the end of my rambles and thoughts that I had while watching ep7. I may have more later on as I keep rewatching this episode for the rest of the week ;w;

Want to hear more of my stupid rambles? This has 3 other parts!

[heatherra]

Hey. Serious post. Trigger warning for sexualization of minors.

Yes. This is about Scepterno. Of course it's about Scepterno. I am not going to censor his name, because everyone should know what is going on with him.

He has responded to my post about him, where I said he was actively talking about Alenoah nsfw. I am going to respond to that.

Let's talk!

"i have seen the Posts and im laughing very hard HAHAH not only is Noah a fictional character, he is canonically 19 in the show. and is around my age. even if he werent.... i dont care. cuz he's fake. i can do whatever i want to him because hes not real. yall need to go outside and find some real problems to talk about. this is just plain sad !!!"

This is a serious issue. You want to know why? Because it has been proven multiple times that fiction DOES in fact affect reality. This is a very serious issue. The Total Drama Fandom has a lot of kids in it. Total Drama is a show for children. Children can find your very public blog, see you talking on public about alenoah nsfw, and they will normalize it. You wanna know how I know this? Because I've experienced this myself! Children stumble upon things that they're not supposed to see! You are coming into a space that is filled with minors, because this is a TV show for CHILDREN, and you are talking about these minors characters in a way that is messed up. I am scared for the minors that will see your post.

"PLEASE. guys. please. grow up. im begging you to stop worrying about the imaginary rights of FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. genuinely. for you own mental health. please find real issues to worry about in life. have fun. stop torturing yourself with drama that doesnt matter. at all. youre going to make fandom an absolutely miserable place if all you do is scream and tantrum over what other people do with what are essentially TOYS"

I am worried about the the fucking children. About the VERY REAL children. And you know what? "Stop torturing yourself with drama that doesnt matter." Then why even address it in the first place? If it doesn't matter, why make a long angry post about it? Fandom is supposed to be a fun place. Fandom is supposed to be where you go and talk about your favorite show and post little things that you think about the media. Me "screaming" and throwing a "tantrum" is because you are coming into this space and making it a nasty place to be. Minors are not safe with you in the space.

"you do not care about morality you care about getting attention and feeling more powerful by bringing others down."

Here's my take. People have immoral thoughts about things. That's part of being human. But when you act on said thoughts, and post about it on the internet on your very public blog where everyone can see when they look you up, and you don't even have it tagged or anywhere stated on your blog that you don't want minors following, that's the part that I am shaming. There is something wrong with you for you to post something like that, and not even try to hide it from minor's eyes. I care about the people in this fandom. I am trying to keep people safe from people like you.

And now, the tags.

"I draw [noah] short because size difference is sexy and noah has short king energy."

Height headcanons are fine. But the fact that you are brining size difference into this? A kink? Yes, you are an adult, I'm a fucking adult. We have things that we are into, but you bringing it into this space where children are, that's where the problem is. You are not tagging it, you are posting it on your very popular and public account, where I do not doubt for a second that minors follow you.

"I want you to really self reflect on why your so quick to see a gay man and call him a predator"

I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW YOU WERE GAY.

I am gay myself. I am not calling your a predator for you being gay. I NEVER FUCKING SAID THAT. I am calling you a creep for fucking talking about alenoah nsfw! I am calling you a creep for drawing nsfw of minors! I am calling you a creep for drawing incest art! Using this "It's because I'm gay" defense, it doesn't fucking make sense! No where have I ever said you're weird because you're gay. You are a fucking creep for talking about alenoah like that.

I am begging everyone to unfollow, block, and get this person off the platform. They are not welcomed here.

[projectbluearcadia]

Fighting On Our Honeymoon. Wonderful.

[ Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation ; Depressive behavior (sleeping excessively) Keeping it bottled up is not a good thing. People care about you. ]

Annelie: Lucifer, I really am sorry.

Lucifer: ...

Annelie: You haven't said a word to me since last night. Come on; I told Simeon I'd talk to him, so can't we just enjoy today?

Lucifer: ...

Annelie: Please just talk to me!

Lucifer's eye twitches as he tries to keep his lips shut, but they come open anyway.

Lucifer: I don't want to talk.

Annelie flinches.

He's more upset than I've ever seen him. He doesn't even want to talk to me about it? He - Lucifer - wants to give me the silent treatment? Out of all people?

(Because he has grown to hate you.)

Annelie's lips shudder, and she sinks deeper into the covers.

Annelie: I'm... just going to sleep for today...

I guess I'll miss that spectacle... but it's not a sight worth seeing anymore. Not without him.

Lucifer: ...

[ timeskip ]

Lucifer: Hey, Annelie. Annelie.

Lucifer rubs her tired face, and his thumb catches the tears on her cheeks. He grits his teeth.

Lucifer: Annelie. Wake up.

Annelie: ...why?

She blinks slowly up at Lucifer, clearly back on the edge of sleep.

Lucifer: Yukitouro. It's starting soon. Don't you want to see it?

Annelie: ...

Lucifer: I know I haven't been fair to you today, and I'm a shitty husband for just letting you sleep like that. But I want to go with you, and I want to enjoy the rest of our honeymoon.

Annelie: Why are you apologizing?

Lucifer: Annelie, I'm not trying to be apologetic just to make you feel better. You know me better than that. It... took me a while to come to terms with what Simeon said.

Annelie: The fact that I had a mental breakdown?

It upset you that much?

Lucifer shook his head.

Lucifer: What upset me... was the fact that you contracted the disease in the first place. Zepar's Disease... it only affects those that... that...

Annelie: Lucifer...?

Lucifer: It's only contracted by people with a deathwish.

Annelie stares at Lucifer in shock, her eyes wide and her mouth failing to close.

Annelie: I didn't...! I haven't! I've never...!

Lucifer: You only have to be in that space once if you've been around someone else that had it. You've really never thought about it?

Annelie: ...

Lucifer: Annelie... I've held you in my arms thinking you were dead twice more than I would have liked, and both times, it was my fault. I didn't want it to happen again, and that's why I was angry when I found you writhing in pain on the floor. But when Simeon said that... Do you know why I stepped out of the room?

Annelie shakes her head.

Lucifer: I couldn't make my tears stop. I was so... drowned in grief, frustration, anxiety... I couldn't think of anything other than the fact that I had failed you as the biggest support in your life.

Annelie: That could never be your fault! It was me and only me!

Lucifer: If it was only you, then why didn't you feel safe enough to tell me what was wrong?

Because I knew you would worry too much about it. You're an anxious mess as it is.

Annelie: Because it... Because it would have hurt you.

Lucifer: And this doesn't hurt?

Annelie winces.

Lucifer: Listen... I understand the feeling of not wanting to tell someone you love that you're suffering... I do it all the time. But you're my wife, and I try to be honest with you because I know you think I don't care about myself enough. Can't you at least let me work through it with you?

Annelie: ...I'm scared of what that could do to you.

Annelie hesitates.

Annelie: Because of what it did... to me.

Lucifer's eyes soften, and he wraps her into his arms. She squeezes him and buries her face into his shoulder.

You're pathetic. He leaves you alone for a day, and you become nothing. You cling, because he is the only thing that defines you.

Lucifer: Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, I am willing to experience every pain if it means you will never think something so horrifying again. Trust me, Annelie... please.

Silently, Annelie nods.

[bassettmemes]

A GUTS ASK MEME ISN'T A BAD IDEA, RIGHT? prompts from olivia rodrigo's sophomore album, guts (2023) — part 1/2. ↳ trigger warnings for mentions of alcohol, drugs, grooming, abusive relationships (mental/emotion, not physical), and car wrecks. some lines have been edited or omitted for clarity and comfort.

ALL-AMERICAN BITCH.

"I am light as a feather and as stiff as a board."

"I pay attention to things that most people ignore."

"I'm alright with the movies that make jokes 'bout senseless cruelty."

"I am built like a mother and a total machine."

"I feel for your every little issue, I know just what you mean."

"I make light of the darkness; I've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket."

"I forgive and I forget."

"I know my age and I act like it."

"I got what you can't resist."

"I am light as a feather, I'm as fresh as the air."

"Coca-Cola bottles that I only use to curl my hair."

"I got class and integrity just like a goddamn Kennedy, I swear."

"I'm a perfect all-American bitch, with perfect all-American lips, and perfect all-American hips."

"I know my place, I know my place and this is it."

"I don't get angry when I'm pissed, I'm the eternal optimist."

"I scream inside to deal with it, like, "Ah"."

"I'm grateful all the time. I'm sexy and I'm kind. I'm pretty when I cry."

BAD IDEA, RIGHT?

"Haven't heard from you in a couple of months, but I'm out right now and I'm all fucked up."

"You're callin' my phone, you're all alone, and I'm sensing some undertone."

"I'm right here with all my friends, you're sending me your new address."

"I know we're done, I know we're through, but God, when I look at you, my brain goes, "Ah". Can't hear my thoughts."

"Seeing you tonight... It's a bad idea, right?"

"Fuck it, it's fine."

"Yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?"

"I only see him as a friend... The biggest lie I ever said."

"I only see him as a friend... I just tripped and fell into his bed."

"Now I'm gettin' in the car, wreckin' all my plans."

"I know I should stop, but I can't."

"I told my friends I was asleep, but I never said where or in whose sheets."

"And I pull up to your place on the second floor

"I'm sure I've seen much hotter men, but I really can't remember when."

VAMPIRE.

"Hate to give the satisfaction asking how you're doing now."

"How's the castle built off people you pretend to care about."

"Look at you, cool guy, you got it."

"I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes."

"Six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise."

"I loved you truly; you gotta laugh at the stupidity."

"I've made some real big mistakes, but you make the worst one look fine."

"I should've known it was strange, you only come out at night."

"I used to think I was smart, but you made me look so naïve."

"You sunk your teeth into me."

"Bloodsucker, famefucker, bleeding me dry like a goddamn vampire."

"Every girl I ever talked to told me you were bad, bad news."

"You called them crazy. God I hate the way I called them crazy too."

"You're so convincing. How do you lie without flinching?"

"What a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked up little thrill."

"Can't figure out just how you do it and God knows I never will."

"Went for me and not her, 'cause girls your age know better."

"You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart."

"I tried to help you out, now I know that I can't, 'cause how you think's the kind of thing I'll never understand."

LACY.

"[Name], oh, [Name], skin like puff pastry."

"Aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of Hell?"

"Dear angel [Name], eyes white as daisies, did I ever tell you that I'm not doin' well?"

"Like perfume that you wear, I linger all the time."

"It takes over my life, I see you everywhere, the sweetest torture one could bear."

"Smart, sexy [Name], I'm losin' it lately. I feel your compliments like bullets on skin."

"Dazzling starlet, Bardot reincarnate, well, aren't you the greatest thing to ever exist?"

"Like ribbons in your hair, my stomach's all in knots. You got the one thing that I want."

"I try to rationalize, people are people, but, it's like you're made of angel dust."

"[Name], oh, [Name], it's like you're out to get me. You poison every little thing that I do."

"[Name], oh, [Name], I just loathe you lately."

"I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you. I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you."

BALLAD OF A HOMESCHOOLED GIRL.

"Cat got my tongue, and I don't think I get along with anyone."

"I'm on the outside of the greatest inside joke."

"I hate all my clothes. Feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones."

"I guess I should go. The party's done, and I'm no fun."

"I broke a glass, I tripped and fell. I told secrets I shouldn't tell

"I stumbled over all my words. I made it weird, I made it worse."

"I laughed at the wrong time, sat with the wrong guy."

"Searchin' "how to start a conversation?" on a website, like, how to flirt?"

"The morning after I panic, oh God, what did I say?"

MAKING THE BED.

"Want it, so I got it, did it, so it's done."

"Another thing I ruined, I used to do for fun."

"Another piece of plastic I could just throw away."

"Another conversation with nothing good to say. I thought it, so I said it, took it 'cause I can."

"Another day pretendin' I'm older than I am."

"Another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine."

"Another thing I forced to be a sign."

"Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am, gettin' drunk at a club with my fair-weather friends."

"I push away all the people who know me the best, but it's me who's been makin' the bed."

"I'm so tired of bein' the girl that I am."

"Every good thing has turned into somethin' I dread."

"I'm playin' the victim so well in my head."

"But it's me who's been makin' the bed."

"Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am, countin' all of the beautiful things I regret."

"And every night, I wake up from this one recurrin' dream, where I'm drivin' through the city, and the brakes go out on me."

"I can't stop at the red light, can't swerve off the road, I read somewhere it's 'cause my life feels so out of control."

"I tell someone I love them just as a distraction; They tell me that they love me like I'm some tourist attraction."

"They're changin' my machinery, and I just let it happen."

"I got the things I wanted, it's just not what I imagined."

[candiid-caniine]

so I've seen this going around lately, and I want to talk about it. I didn't want to add discourse to OP's post because I didn't know if/how much was welcome.

this is a very hot button issue for me. general tw for this post: mention of abuse within kink dynamics.

so. y'all all know that I have some very strict limits on this blog. I have a boundary against play with cis men. I have a hard limit on misogyny and patriarchy kinks being in my space. and I'm not alone in that: a lot of other queer ppl I know (mostly wlw, nblnb, t4t, and intersex) have the same limits.

for me it's trauma rooted. all dynamic abuse I've ever experienced has been at the hands of cis men, so I don't deal well with them. and growing up in purity culture as a closeted afab has ruled out misogyny/patriarchy kink. as a result, I am very avoidant of anything that rings of these dynamics...which happen to be overrepresented as dominance in modern pornography.

it is very hard as a t4t to find porn that isn't influenced by this binary, which usually plays itself out as:

to be feminine is to be weak, and vice versa

the submissive partner is the bottom

the dominant partner is controlling outside the bedroom

submission is holy for the feminine and deviant for the masc

dominance is holy for the masculine and deviant for the femme

existing power balances in society are utilized in play

the submissive is to be protected

the submissive is the dominants responsibility and not vice versa

aesthetic perfection is expected of the sub

and many more.

so to say "signs of domination in your social circle" may mean different things to different people. I'll be honest, I don't know what OP meant; this post was awhile back in their blog -- I'm just using this as a way to talk about some of my own hangups, hence why I made my own post instead of responding.

and yeah. if someone in my social circle showed signs of being controlling outside the bedroom, magnifying social inequalities in play, deeming submissives weak and demanding of protection, or expecting aesthetic perfection of submissive seeming people....would I call that evil? um. fuck no.

but I would recognize it as something I can't be a part of. I would form resentment if treated accordingly: as something inherently weak, defenseless, naive, and feminine due to my preference for submission, or hell, for being fucking Asian. cause yeah, that happens.

that said: if someones treating every sub, or every person they decide is submissive, like that...they're a fucking weirdo. their problem.

but there's another side to this. one that affects people who top, people with penises, and people who present as masc who...

may derive euphoria from aligning with a binary role in a kink setting

may genuinely share a desire to be protective and controlling with their partner/s

may face othering or prejudice for seeming like an angry trans woman or a violent butch or an angry Black person

are already only tenuously accepted in queer spaces due to masculine presentation or AGAB or race

so what's to be done?

simply put, don't put your trauma or your bias onto others. I really think that's the answer.

if a particular type of dominance triggers you, remove yourself from the space. unless it's your space, in which case set boundaries.

if you find yourself side eyeing people of a certain AGAB or presentation more than others, consider that this is a you problem.

understand not everything's about you. subs can be just as selfish as doms. just because your friend likes to dominate doesn't mean they want to Dom you. just because they Dom in a way you wouldn't want to be dommed doesn't mean they're wrong.

fuck off with your kink shaming. flat out, unless you are speaking about dynamic abuse or any other type of abuse, you have no grounds to judge the way other d-types or s-types roll. unlearn your purity culture.

learn a thing or two about top drop and/or Dom drop.

and for God's sake...in this hellish 2024 pride month where trans rights are backsliding and other lgbtq+ rights will certainly follow: educate yourself. cishets didn't invent kink. leather daddies have been doing this for decades. lesbian pulp fiction featuring s&m dates really far back. hell, ancient Greeks have art documenting s/m relationships, and y'all know they were gay as shit.

cause I have an inkling that in queer circles this comes from the decrying of evil, icky cishet culture in kink. you are entitled to your boundaries, but your bias and your judgment and your disgust can damn well be kept to yourself. my partner deals with enough guilt over their preferred role, and enough crisis about whether their masculinity comes off as creepy, without neopuritans exacerbating the issue.

and that includes me. I've had to unlearn this shit from the ground up since coming out. I thought coming out was the unlearning, but no: you are not immune to internalized bias. and your masc, amab, intersex, and Black and Brown queer siblings are not immune to the harm you may be perpetuating.

anyway. I'm stoned AF. and prepared to turn off reblogs for this post. lol

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

So usually, I will discuss posts from reddit and provide screenshots but today I just wanna discuss the post itself. Most of the commenters are calling her out anyway

I'm reusing this throwaway to again avoid connection to my main.

I (38F) have been dating my current boyfriend (36M) for about 2 years now. It's very difficult for me to make long term commitments like this because of issues I've had growing up and with past relationships - however we've been making things work despite my baggage for the most part.

We hit a roadblock in our relationship a week and a half ago. My bf has his own familial baggage: to sum up without going into the nitty gritty his biological mom left him when he was young. They reunited half a year or so ago - and I guess things went ok there? A little bit over a week ago she passed away, and surprisingly he's taken it way harder than I expected. This is the first time I've seen him cry - and to be honest I hate it. I've done my fair share of crying over my years but I've grown past that phase and in the present I'm not sure I enjoy having that energy around.

Things got worse when he found out his bio mom's family would not let him attend her funeral. Because of this, he hasn't worked since to "take his own time to mourn". I've tried to talk to him about it as I don't get why he's exahausting so much effort to mourn someone who has barely been in his life. He's gotten angry with my reaction but he does know I'm not fit to deal with what he's doing at the moment because of my own experiences.

Now that it's been over a week I've grown both worried and annoyed about the situation. I had a sit down with him and another friend two nights ago to talk to him. I'm not one to hold back so I outright told him to just get over the whole thing already and how it isn't normal to react this much to someone who had wronged him so much. Our mutual friend wasn't expecting that - and to be precise she completely failed to mediate the talk from then on.

Some time into our fight he started crying - yet again. I was really uncomfortable and I outright demanded he stop. He had to be removed from our home. He's been staying with our friend since then and I've been really confused on how to approach further. Our friend has told me I was being harsh but again he knows how I am and how I deal with negative emotions. Still talking with her further has gotten me thinking about how I handeled things.

Edit - clarifying things.

This isn't about my bf's masculinity. The way he's acting triggers something in me. It brings me back to a dark place - that's the negativity I can't be around.

My boyfriend has been my emotional rock for most of our relationship - this sudden shift in his attitude is also contributed to my reaction to the whole ordeal.

I'm not heartless, as I said I have a very rough way of displaying my emotions. Genuinely I feel concern about how my boyfriend is acting.

This is so messed up

First of all, she had no business judging him for crying. If it truly brings her to a dark place(/her not being fit to deal with it) then she needs to get herself some help (and I'm not saying that to be snarky) instead of being in a relationship. You can't be in a relationship with someone, having them be there for you (in this case, emotionally) but you can't be there for them. It isn't fair at all. He can't just be her emotional rock while she doesn't do anything in return.

She also has no business judging him for why he's mourning. He's obviously torn up about it. Maybe he's mourning for the relationship he didn't get to have. Maybe they planned on further patching things up. Whatever it is, she has no right to act like he shouldn't be grieving, especially when she knows he isn't even allowed to attend the funeral.

And then for her to become annoyed--not cool, not okay. How do you just tell someone, a week after their loved one passed, to get over it? How? You don't just suddenly become okay again after a little bit of time passes by. Grief is hard and can be overwhelming. It's harder if you're in a situation like this with an unsupportive S/O.

The kicker is that she demanded him to stop crying and kicked him out. That is abhorrent.

[lobinilo]

What are your favourite Jonah’s projects? ☺️🎬

~ plays TikTok Sound~

OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE THIS QUESTIOOOONNN

So since May 2023 (what happened there? I have no idea 😉) I've watched everything Jonah-related I could get my hands on (except for Little Women, but I'm definetly going to watch that later this year).

My top 3 Jonah projects OTHER than The Little Mermaid (because truth be told, I think it's pretty clear how obsessed I am with that movie and it's not really a fair comparison to some of the more indepent, even low budget projects Jonah has starred in) so far:

1. World on Fire (2019 - 2023)

created by: Peter Bowker directed by: Chanya Button, Thomas Napper, Adam Smith, Andy Wilson Jonah plays: Harry Chase

Big shocker, right? Given how much I already rambled about Harry and Kasia (my traumatised parents) and how upset I was when they cancelled it. I will always mourn this show for the huge potential it had.

World on Fire is a BBC-show following different people in Britain, Poland, Germany and France (with some American viewpoints as well) as they have to endure and navigate their life through World War II. Doesnt really sound like anything we haven't seen, right? However, World on Fire is worth checking out imo, since it differs a lot from the usual Hollywood-infused war epics, because rather than focusing on the politics or the big battles, the show looks more closely at the everyday person that actually had to live through this tragedy and how they deal with what's happening. That being said, obviously this is still a show about WW II, so there definitely IS depiction of violence, murder and torture, as well as bombings, gunfire etc., so please be careful if you find any of those things triggering. I personally found some episodes quite hard to get through.

I think it's interesting that Jonah's filmography is very heavy on projects set during or related to WW II (additionally to WoF you have The Song of Names, Ashes in the Snow and ofc coming up The Tattooist of Auschwitz). Theories on why that is are welcome!

Harry Chase (brilliantly brought to life by our favourite British simp) differs quite a bit from many of Jonah's other roles in that he`s not your heroic, clean-cut good guy (like Andrius, Lucas, Mo or Prince Eric). He's insecure and a little helpless, even cowardly at times. Harry starts out as a translator, but later joins the British Army and the SOE. He fucks up repeatedly, both in his role as lieutenant, as well as in his personal life. Even though most of the time he means well, his cowardice ends up hurting a lot of people and leads him to be in the middle of a love triangle. (Though to me it's not a triangle, but rather a straight line, Team Kasia all the way.)

Harry, though deeply troubled, is a very kind and soft soul. That doesn't really pair well with the acts of war, as well as british society in the 1940s in general, which leads to conflict with other characters and their idea of who he should be. Especially when he clashes with his mother Robina (portrayed by the absolute MAGNIFICENT Lesley Manville, shes giving Emily Gilmore in the best way possible), Jonahs acting is ON POINT. His performance is so nuanced: He's angry, he's desperate, he's sad, but also condescending, sarcastic and hostile towards her. The interesting thing about Harry is the journey he takes. To watch him try to better himself by dealing with past trauma and taking responsibility for present mistakes. The real standout for his character is episode 5 of season 1 where he finally steps up and takes charge. This is also when he starts earning the respect of his sergeant Stan (Blake Harrison) for the first time - they have a real bromance, both on and off the show, I LIVE for these two.

But - just like in real life - he doesn't have this one breakthrough moment and everything is smooth sailing from there. He fluctuates, just like a real person would. He still has the tendency to run away from his problems, but I think what he's seen in the war, what happened at home and (yes, I'm making this about my ship) his love for Kasia (Zofia Wichlacz) make him realise the type of man he wants to be and he would probably try to act accordingly IF WE GOT A THIRD SEASON, BBC! 😤😡🤬

2. Old Boys (2018)

directed by: Toby MacDonald Jonah plays: Henry "Winch" Winchester

If you can only watch one Jonah movie, I beg of you MAKE IT THIS ONE!

I`ve found next to nothing about Old Boys and that seriously has to change. (watched the entire movie again, getting my non-existing gif-making skills ready, just the night before I got this ask, talk about fate)

This movie is so underrated, it doesn't even have a Wikipedia entry. Make it make sense! How is nobody watching this cutie-patootie work of art? Its adorkable in the best sense of the word, it's heartwarming, a little silly and oh! so funny!

It's losely based on the play Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand, set in an all-boys british boarding school in the 1980s. Given the source material, catfishing is definetly a thing here, keep that in mind if you might find that topic difficult.

Alex Lawther's character Amberson (cliché school nerd and victim of bullying) falls in love with the new french teachers daughter Agnes (Pauline Etienne) who in turn has a crush on First-Class-Himbo Winch (portrayed by a beautiful, dimple-faced, british actor). Because Agnes is very artistic and looking for someone that matches her vibe, Amberson helps Winch to try to impress her, because Winch himself is... well... a little dim 😅.

Winch is easily my favourite Jonah character to date (yes, including Prince Eric). I have seriously considered changing my tumblr-name to themightywinch because of him. I mean... he's corteous and punctual, after all 🤣😍.

While not the main character, he's definetly the highlight of the movie. Jonah is likeable, charming, the right kind of awkward in the right moments, has fantastic comedic timing and great chemistry with Alex Lawther.

Just look at that scene alone! IT`S. SO. CUTE!!! (cute-raging over here 😡) Watching this just makes you wish Jonah would star in more comedies, because he definetly has the skills for it! This is just a feel-good movie that leaves you smiling with a warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart. It has easily become one of my new comfort watches. Old Boys just never fails to make me laugh and I wish it would get more attention and recognition since it definetly deserves it! (like at least write a Wikipedia article about it) Btw, I bought this on Prime for 99ct, best money I ever spend!

3. The Last Photograph (2017)

(the trailer says 2019, but the movie was originally shown at the Edinburgh Film Festival in 2017)

directed by: Danny Huston Jonah plays: Luke Hammond

Fair warning, this movie is gut-wrenching. I don't know if this qualifies as an actual trigger-warning, but this movie deals with the loss of a child/ death of a young person, as well as the real life tragedy of the Pan Am Flight 103 bombed in 1988 so proceed with caution.

Luke Hammond (Dimples McGee) is on said flight to visit his long-distance girlfriend Kate (Stacy Martin) in New York. Kate's and Luke's first meeting is a little awkward imo, I think it's meant to be like a meet-cute, especially with the whole "Bird"-thing, it just doesn't really work for me. But the rest of their love story is very endearing, they're just two young people experiencing love for the first time. Their time together is told through seemingly random, incoherent flashbacks and memories, just giving little glimpses of what their relationship was like and it's the cutest thing. Little intimate touches, hidden smiles, shared laughter... It's shot in a way as if you're watching them through rose-colored glasses, which is probably the point.

I love the way this movie uses different lighting and colour changes to depict a difference in the time line as well as the emotional state of the characters.

We only see Luke in flashbacks (guess why) and follow his dad Tom (Danny Huston) in present day (which in this case means 2003) as he is desperately trying to retrieve the last photograph (hence the titel) he possesses of his son after his bag was stolen. To see Tom slowly losing his grip as he grows more and more desperate to find the picture is truely heartbreaking. (It's a polaroid, so there are no copies, this is truely the last memory he has of Luke. God, I'm tearing up while writing this.)

Because Luke is basically just seen through the memory of his father who obviously holds him in high regard/ romanticizes the idea of his son, he is portrayed in a solely positive light, which usually wouldn't give much dimension to his character. Yet Jonah still manages to fill this role with life and witt and charisma, making you understand why Bird fell for him. He's sweet, romantic, a little bit shy, which works really well here, has the cutest laugh and clearly cares really deeply for his father. He's definetly portrayed as the "you simply have to love him" kinda guy, which is why his absence cuts so deep.

This is also in huge parts due to Danny Huston's performance. Honestly, the sweater-scenes (or jumper, if you're british 😉) almost broke me. And don't even get me started on his letter to Kate or Kate's letter to him... ugh. It's. So. SAD.

This is obviously not for everyday watch. However, even though The Last Photograph is heartbreaking, it doesn't necessarily leave you hopeless and depressed. This movie feels like a loving tribute to an actual person and therefore has a beauty in its melancholy. Throughout Tom's journey there is hope and forgiveness towards himself. There's a beautiful symmetry to the whole thing. The ending feels almost satisfying if you can say that in this context.

I also wanna give a shoutout to This Is The Night (2021). The movie itself isn't that great, it's a little all over the place and I think they tried to do a little too much all at once. But I looo~oooved Jonah in this, Christians character arc is by far the most interesting one and I wish the script gave their character justice in the way Jonah's and Naomi's acting did. (Also this is the HOTTEST he's ever looked which is a bit ironic).

This list is probably going to be outdated soon, since he has a lot coming out in the near future (I'm especially excited for Rich Flu).

Sorry, if this is too long and rambly and if it took too long for me to answer, I got a little carried away and suddenly had a lot of gifs to make 😅.

Thank you soooo much for the ask, @measuredmotion ❤️.

[rpking99]

So I've seen this stupid conversation pop up on the Twitter sludge space again and.... Wanna put my two pence in since I am me and a nerd.

Who should be the next Batman.

....

If you guys know me, you know my answer. So, first, I'm gonna go over the other options.

Dick Grayson

First Robin. Nightwing. Ass that claps and don't quit with a red head addiction he has no intention on quitten.

He's what many people out there see as being the natural next Batman. Because... Well... He was the first Robin. He's the oldest, he knew Bruce the longest. And he's been Batman a few times when Bruce is injured

All of that is true.

....

But let's take a step back for a moment

Dick was angry when he was Robin, that's the misconception many have. That Jason was the angry Robin when it was actually Dick. He was very similar to Bruce in a way, and that's part of how they got along so well. But they also kept each other at a distance, Bruce not wanting to replace Dick's parents while Dick didn't want Bruce to feel like he was pushing

You all know the story. The first kid is the one you make the most mistakes with

But those mistakes, ironically, helped Dick in the long run. Because in Dick coming to outright HATE Bruce at times, he realised... He didn't want to BE like Bruce

Hence his evolution to Nightwing. The smiling jokester. The high flipping, wise cracking, pain maker of the world. All of the skills and abilities of Batman, but with the inspiring hope of Superman

He HATES being Batman and it's what he doesn't WANT for himself. It's the bad end for him because it means he's been reduced back into that cave of darkness to continue the cycle he'd broken free of.

Jason Todd

Robin number 2, goes by Red Hood. The kid who thought being Robin gave him magic powers, he was that eager to help people. Only to fall into rage and darkness after his death and revival....

Yeah... Yeah

Here's the thing

If Jason never died? Then yes. He could TOTALLY become Batman. If he was still the rather cheerful, if at times a bit morally grey, Jason Todd who stole those tires from the BatMobile? He'd be raised right and the perfect one to take over the cowl. To be a brighter Batman who was STILL Batman.

But... After the lazerus pit? After the anger?

Even after all the healing... He's not the right kind of person to be Batman. And even he knows it. Because while it is not always his first option, he IS too eager to squeeze that trigger...

Tim Drake

Tim Tim. Tim. Timmy Tim Tim.

Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne.

Tim.

Robin III, the one who's never REALLY growl out of the role, and the only one who WANTED the role. The second most common cry of who should take the cowl because he "wanted to be Robin" and he is "just if not a better detective than Batman"

...

Yes. He wanted to be ROBIN. That's the thing. ROBIN.

Multiple times we see futures where Tim becomes Robin. And guess what? All are terrible where he turns into a murderer and a psychopath!

Being Batman BREAKS Tim because he is TOO NICE of a person!

Robin is Tim as a hero. And if he graduates from it he either becomes the next commissioner, the next Luscious Fox or the new Oracle. No other option

Damian Wayne

The blood son. The hellspawn. The son of Talia. Blood of the demon and the detective.

The one who sees Batman as his BIRTHRIGHT.

...

And yeah. That's the issue there

Damian sees Batman as something that belongs to him. Or at least, he did. Way back when. Not something he had to earn, not something that held value. Just some property connected to his liniage

But his story since being introduced? Growing away from that. Learning how he doesn't NEED to be what was layed out for him. How his life is HIS choice for HIS path

Personally? The second Nightwing. That's what I see Damian as.

Also.... We've got future Damian is Batman stories and Gotham is literal hell on earth.

....

....

...

So, that's the BatBoys out the way. Who's left?

....

...

...

....

...

....

...

DA BOSS BITCH CASSANDRA CAIN!!!!!!!!

First off, she is a better fighter than Bruce is. Has been stated multiple times. Could beat all her siblings at the same time

Second, she's not AS good of a detective as Tim... Doesn't mean she's stupid. She's a good detective. Heck she's the one who helped solve the murder mystery that framed Bruce Wayne, when everyone else was ready to give up on him!

Third, she follows all of Batman's principals even harder than him. Her No Kill Rule is more ferocious, her loyalty is to the symbol and what it represents NOTHING else

Fourth, she WANTS IT. It's what she genuinely wants as it's what she sees her next step in life being. Her goal, her future, her desire. Her destiny.

And finally? Her hero identity is nothing but light to her dark world. Her siblings have their heroic lives marked by pain (Dick becoming a hero out of rage at the loss of his parents, Jason's death, Tim loosing... Almost everything as he became Robin, Damian with his legacy and the league/BatClan's personal battles) but... Cass? She killed someone at age 8 as Cassandra Cain. It had nothing to do with the Bat, with masks, with Gotham, with anything. It was purely independent trauma and so being a hero IS her light.

And that is why Cassandra Cain should be Batman after Bruce Wayne finally retires

[babiebom]

Abigail Headcanons

I had wrote some of these for my old blog but forgot to save them so i forgot what i wrote and now I have to start over haha

Tw: cursing, brief sexual mention, cheating(not abby), some canon info may be wrong lmao

Is between 5'4-5'8

Mostly because she does give off tall goth mommy vibes but also gives off short angry troll vibes(I'm 4'11 I'm allowed to say this)

I think she's like 22-24

It's stayed at some point that she takes online college classes right? Or am i insane?

I do 100% think she's the wizards daughter I mean it does line up and if she's not then wtf

It's more than just the hair

But even then like isn't it said that she only dyed it ONCE and the color just never went away?

Like I feel like its one of those things where she had to activate the trait for it to show up

Like Idk if you've seen Barbie in a (and a?) Mermaid Tale but like

Barbie(her name isn't barbie but i cant remember what it is) doesn't show any mermaid traits at all until shes a certain age then she does things to trigger it(like going in the water and being able to breathe or her hair turning pink.)

Or traits that have been there already now making sense(her being obsessed with the water and surfing)

For Abigail, she just needed to dye her hair that specific color in order for it to stay in that state

And she has other abilities like being able to see the Junimos when literally no one else but the farmer and the wizard can.

And her love of adventure and the unknown

And i think she is a witchy girl along with Emily

Also the fact that Caroline hung out near the wizards tower then got pregnant with Abby

I think she still hangs out there sometimes or maybe its a mod or maybe I'm delusional(this one is a fact)

N e ways i've gone on too long about this

I think she would study for something like archaeology or something or like game development.

Does play video games as much as she can

Does rage quit

Gets angry when she dies

Though its canon that Abby and Seb would end up together if not with the farmer(I think?)

Highkey a toxic gamer but her outbursts are funny so it's allowed

I think she likes games like Undertale, the Sonic games, Mario, hates Valorant with a passion but still plays even though it only makes her angry

I feel like her feelings for him are shallow

Not in a bad way

But in a theres no one else for me to realistically end up with or crush on type thing

Like unless she's going to date one of the girls(I think Pierre is homophobic) Seb is her only choice

I do sorta ship her with Haley tho (goth gf x pink gf)

Does wish to be in the adventurers guilde but i also think she would be terrified

Also realistically I feel like she knows it wouldn't work out for long. Though she does sometimes go in the upper(lower?) levels of the mines.

100 percent prefers her mom to her dad

I think if she ever found out about the wizard possibly being her father it would make her be the most torn she has ever been

Because on one hand she does love pierre hes the man that raised her and I dont think she would accept cheating AT ALL and it would hurt her to know hes not her biological father

But on the other hand she would find it cool that theres a reason for her weirdness

Like theres a reason she can see the weird creatures in the forest when no one else can(to her knowledge)

Theres a reason for her longing to venture out and explore the unknown

And the wizard is pretty freaking cool seeing as she hangs out next to his tower often

Either showers everyday or once every 3 days there's no in between

Probably does want to travel at some point, maybe when she has her own money to spend.

If pierre wanted her to take over his store when he gets too old she would refuse

Is sorta sad she doesn't have any siblings, but at the same is glad because she only has to worry about herself

Learned to play the drums as a way to let out her anger

Has an okay voice when singing, but doesn't know how to properly hit notes without fucking up her voice