#I'm guessing it was huge information overload

[fyodcrs]

Sigma is actually very relatable because I, too, would immediately pass out if I ever got to hold Fyodor’s hand.

[not-yet-usernamed]

okay so like 77 right? Is 77 even real??? He can't just be a person after all that. Last time we talked to him he talked about being just completely okay with the fact he might be fake or like manufactured or something but like??? Do you think he knows? The way Not Admin Either (I'm assuming that's who's talking and it's not just like a crash report or something) talks is kinda like Zev has no idea and is not supposed to know that he basically just had his 'servers' overloaded

Now Not Admin Either also mentioned a, quote "Intrusive_Provoked_Virus.Alpha" and also when he's reconnected, "Virus reconnected" which makes it safe to assume we're the Virus. Which makes sense because Zev just crashed, making him the computer. With that information it makes a lot more sense of why we're able to talk to him and why he can't get us to shut up. But also also begs the question of does management know about us, which I'm pretty sure the answer to this is yes. In fact I think it's a pretty safe guess to think that management wants us here talking to him. (I say management for lack of a better word you know what I mean)

Which is kinda weird when you think about it. If we're something management is aware of and wants around (or is just not getting rid of. But that doesn't make sense seeming as they willingly reconnected us) then why 'turn us on' now? Because he got demoted? Did they want him to do something rash? Or maybe they wanted us to distract him so he doesn't do that. What about last time then? Was that a fluke? Maybe the last time it wasn't intentional and then they figured out how to use this at will. Or maybe it was intentional, did they want a reason to demote 77? Maybe this was all a huge plan from the start. But then again I could just be going on a tangent in the complete opposite direction.

Also, did 432 just. Watch all this happen? I assume they wouldn't know what's going on but like? Did they see him just freeze in place lifeless for a few minutes? Because like. Man's just froze like when animatronics stop working that couldn't have looked very normal.

Another interesting thing to note is that the error was "ERROR_427". I don't have anything to really say about this but. That's a detail. And also you think the name "Evan_Brightman.Chr" is important? Again 77 is aware of the idea and is completely okay with the fact that he's like 'manufactured' so. Was he a person before hand? I may just be looking into this too closely honestly.

-Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk! Anot's gonna go microwave some chicken nuggets or something while they think about this a bit more

(OOOOHHHHH THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING

pov 432 watching 77 bluescreen: 🧍

evan brightman..,, like,, like kevan brighting?? voice of the narrator????? stadmin u cheeky mf /silly)

[rodanseys]

People are allowed to be critical of a musicians choice even if there is an artistic explanation behind it

Someone can do something on purpose and it'll still be a flawed decision, or just something that people don't vibe with

(And tbh the 31 song album is because no one says no to her. Established artists doing way-too-long albums that desperately need editing is a tale as old as time. See the Beatles' White Album)

hey anon, i'm guessing you're responding to this post i made yesterday

i probably should have put it in the body of the post, but my tag really has the thesis of what i'm feeling: "regardless of why she did it that doesn't mean ppl shouldn't understand the context of their criticism"

context can be, like you said, just personal preference on what sounds good. in this case, i'm referring to the ability to recall information after getting information overloaded. it's the same reason someone might take notes during a long lecture in college: with the amount of information shared, it's hard to know exactly what was covered at the start. the context i'm asking people to understand is related to information overload; when you get information overload, you just can't remember everything perfectly. it's impossible. because of this, saying "everything sounds the same" is a pretty unremarkable critique because that's kind of an inevitable result of listening to a 31 song album all in one go. that take shows me people just aren't being critical about how their consumption of the album is impacting their opinion of it.

i'm postulating that there are huge artistic reasons behind this, because there's proof that taylor can pare back her writing. but never once here did i say you have to stand behind all of someone's artistic choices, especially if they don't vibe with what you like to listen to. i just said when you don't, try and understand why you don't. also understand that you have the agency to maybe like it/understand it/ know it better by listening more.

however (and this isn't something i say outright, but definitely something i believe) it is completely up to you how much time you want to invest to something that has a variable amount of joy to give back. i am finally singing along and i'm at 5 listens. that's 10 hours of my life!!! which is ridiculous and i get why people might turn away faster than that. and it's okay! but whether or not you agree with the artistic reasons behind the length enough to justify them is a fully different argument altogether, and it's not the one i'm making in the original post.

[rainbowloliofjustice]

I wish people would make up their damn minds in this community. 

People complained for years and years that the models were shit and needed to be changed and/or updated.

and now that they are getting that, they’re “threatening” to boycott because not every pokemon is gunna be in the game on release. 

“Future proof” means that the models will be useable in further games. However, that doesn’t exactly mean shit if you are changing the models to update or make them better. 

Either you want them to make new models and update the pokemons and shit (which would mean not everything is available on release) or you want them to use the same models (that y’all have been complaining about) and everything is available on release. 

Pick one cause ya can’t fucking have both

[griffsursparker]

re: traditional publishing

someone asked me to tell them what I knew about traditional publishing, and I decided it was way too much to put in their ask box, so I guess I'm making a post lmao

fair warning, I have spent so long in publishing circles that I no longer have any concept of what normal levels of knowledge about publishing are. if something doesn't make sense because I left out something thinking it was common knowledge, just ask and I can clarify! if I explain something really obvious, I'm not trying to be condescending, I just genuinely have literally no concept what is or isn't obvious anymore. im sorta just trying to cover some basics here so they may be too basic I have no idea hgdsghds

also disclaimer: publishing industries are generally fairlyyyy similar world-wide I think, but idk where you live/if you write in english, so if you're writing in a different language your mileage may vary with these a bit more (because like . . . I pay attention to all the publishing stuff I possibly can, but if conversations about certain aspects are happening in a language I can't speak, I'm going to miss them lmao)(but I think the general gist will still hold true)

I apologize if this is an information overload hgsdghds I am a nerd about this stuff and this is me trying to,,, hold back lmao

anyways because this seems like the easiest way to cover the basics, here is, to my understanding, a basic publishing timeline for trad pub:

first, of course, you get the book as good as you can make it yourself

next up, generally speaking you want to try to get a literary agent. there are occasional opportunities to submit to publishers directly, but they're going to take you more seriously if you have an agent (agents are also great because they'll help you advocate for yourself in contracts!)

to get an agent, you generally have to submit some combination of the following—it should say on their website which ones:

-- a query letter (think of this as similar to what you'd read on the back of a book)

-- a synopsis (a longer description, covering the whole plot)(a query letter will be focused on hooking attention; a synopsis is about proving you follow through on it)

-- the first ten pages/three chapters/etc. again, it should say

if an agent likes your query materials, they'll reach out and ask you for the rest of your manuscript, or in publishing lingo, you'll get a "full request"

if you get a full request, you'll send your manuscript over, and generally get one of three answers. (1) a rejection. (2) a request to revise and resubmit. or (3) an offer

#1, an unfortunate part of publishing is there are generally a lot of rejections. they hurt, but it's not personal—it might not be the right genre/style/etc for the person you submitted to, or maybe they just don't have time for a new project right now, or any number of reasons. they suck, but they're pretty much unavoidable. every single author you look up to has gotten them

#2, an R&R is generally a good thing, although if you don't like their feedback, you don't have to take them up on it. basically, it means they like your book a lot, but they're not ready to commit to it until you make some changes. sometimes, this means they aren't the right fit for you, but a lot of the time they'll have really good feedback, and it means they're genuinely seriously considering signing with you

#3, an offer, is of course the end goal, so we're going to carry on from here

if you get an offer, the first thing you're generally going to do is nudge any other agents who have your full manuscript. generally you'll have about ten days to two weeks to decide whether you want to accept the offer, so you want to let the other agents know that they're about to lose their chance to sign you—they're going to move looking at your book higher on their to-do list, and you may very well get more offers

so you have an offer (or offers! but even just one is enough and something to be hugely proud of). now you have to decide if the agent is the right fit for you/which agent is the best fit if you have multiple offers. one thing to note is you never have to sign with someone even if they're your only offer. if you talk to them, and realize you aren't going to work well with this person, it's okay to say no and keep querying other agents instead

once you have an agent, they might have edits for you. depends on the agent. if so, you'll do a round of edits here

next, the agent will submit to publishers for you. how involved you are in this process will depend on the agent (and also on you)

this process, or "going on sub", generally means a lot of waiting. it's slow. everything in this industry is slow. it sort of sucks, but the best thing to do is just . . . write something else. do your best not to worry about it. there ultimately isn't much you can do here—you sort of just have to wait and hope a publisher bites

I don't actually know much about the process of signing with a publisher, so I won't try to speak to it too much, but I do know bits and pieces about standard contracts and stuff if that interests you

once you've signed with a publisher, the next big step is going to be more edits

a lot of edits, actually

to my understanding you're going to do at least one round of structural edits (plot, character, etc. big picture stuff), at least one round of line edits (smaller stuff, tone, voice, etc), and at least one round of copy edits (grammar, etc). generally it'll be more than just three rounds though

it's up to you what edits you accept, but you are going to have to make a lot of edits if you want to pursue traditional publishing

then comes pass pages (proofreading proofreading proofreading!!)

and somewhere in there, likely before at least one round of pass pages, ARCs are generally going to come out!

ARCs are advanced readers copies, and they're a marketing thing. depending on the book, you might get a lot of ARCs, or you might just get some digital ones on NetGalley. this is the first time people in the general public will actually get to read your book (for the sake of reviewing it)

then: release day!

a few other things to note:

titles and covers:

if you want control over these . . . don't trad pub. you'll get some say, but at the end of the day, they're a marketing decision, so especially if you're a smaller author, you don't get ultimate say over these

payment:

first of all, you never ever pay a traditional publisher anything as an author. same goes for an agent. if they ask you to pay them, they're a scammer

an agent gets paid when you get paid. I'm unsure on the exact percentage, but they take a cut of what you get paid (I know, it doesn't sound great to give up some of your hard-earned money, but they're worth it, trust me)

a publisher pays you

most authors only ever see their advance, so this is a big one. when you sign with the publisher, they'll offer you xyz amount of money. this is your advance. you get this, no matter how many copies of your book sell

an advance is generally paid in instalments—how many depends on the publisher, but usually 2–5. one upon signing, and then generally the later ones will be upon turning in a revised book, upon publication, and then sometimes a year after publication, etc

then comes royalties. but an advance is essentially their estimate of how much you'll earn in royalties—it's them paying you royalties in advance. they cannot take this away if you don't earn that much in royalties, but you won't see any actual royalties until you "earn out", aka until your book sells enough copies to make up the advance

this is still all very simplified, but it's way too long already, so I'll leave it here lmaoooo

if you're considering trad pub vs self pub, the big things to keep in mind are how much control you want vs how much work you want to do. the publisher does a lot of the hard shit for you, but they do also have a lot of control over certain things. if you want your book published exactly the way you want it, self pub might be a better fit, and that's okay!

also: time. I know people who have self pubbed sheerly because they didn't want to wait years for their book to come out, and that is an entirely valid reason to do it. trad pub is slow as shit

@hahaha-darn-it (I know you're the only one who'll read this, but for the record didn't write this like,,, solely to you in terms of how I wrote it, so most of my stuff in here is general not like. aimed specifically and pointedly at you or anything lmaooo)

[withoutaconscienceorafilter]

Just a few thoughts for anyone considering trying ADHD meds....

So I managed to get a full week's prescription of ADHD meds. No, I absolutely did not do this through conventional, authorized channels. Yes, I absolutely scavenged from someone with extras. Yes, I'm currently trying to get an official diagnosis so I can get these regularly and legally.

The class of drug I'm trying is not an SSRI, so it's out of my blood stream every day by 8pm. Therefore it's been fascinating to observe my own behavior and thoughts throughout each day. I want to share some of the mind-blowing things that have happened or that I have found myself thinking:

"I could poke my phone in the bathroom ..... but there's really no need to, so I won't." What?!

"I put this item in the microwave for less than a minute, what can I do during that time? No, wait, that's ridiculous and makes no sense, my priority now is the microwave thing. I'll just stay right here." Huh??!

"I've been procrastinating this 10 minute task for a month. Guess I'll do it now." Excuse me?!

"I see a different task over there I could be doing, but I'm not focus switching to it, merely observing. I'll come back to it when I'm done with my current task." What black magic is this?!?!

"There is more than one person talking right now. It's okay, I'll just tune one of them out." The hell?!!

There have been many others, but those are the ones that come to mind.

The only downside I've found is that when I wanted to do something that I usually hyperfocus on and get a huge mental high off of ....... I couldn't. I literally couldn't. There was just a feedback ceiling and no massive diamine high. (Given the activity was listening to music while driving and that I was also able to concentrate on driving, not have sensory overload, and just generally not die behind the wheel, I feel it's an acceptable trade off. Driving safety is the #1 reason I want meds.)

Anyway, I'm not advocating meds or not for anyone, but I thought this might be interesting or useful information for anyone trying to decide if they want to try them.

[penny-quinn]

Day 15 of 100 days of productivity

October 20, Wednesday

Today has been very whole some. Woke up getting a huge lecture and man that really had made my mood go down. But overall it all has been well.

Made dumplings at home. I had rolled out the doe and it was really tasty.

Completed the measurement. Gosh, I have finally finished it although I barely remember any formulas. T_T

Learned the biology's first chapter. Kinda information overloaded but I should be able to memorize it my tomorrow

My tutor said that I have soo much to learn cuz I've become very weak in my studies compared to before; today he guided me in algebra.

So I guess I'll need alot of time before being able to know all the materials perfectly. T_T let's just try our best I still have time till Nov 9.

19th October - Pumpkin spice lattes or hot chocolate?

Hot chocolate! Although I'm not much of a picky eater, I don't like pumpkins at all. So chocolate all the way.

20th October - What is your usual autumn outfit?

Umm, nothing special. Some warm sweater or outers. With thin shirt and a pair of jeans or trousers.

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[balancingthewind]

returning

Why do I practice yoga?

Because, as much as my triggers would have me do otherwise, I need to spend time listening to my body. Because, when I don’t, I experience pain physically and mentally. Pain that is avoidable through Yoga.

Yoga is not just a blending of fanciful movements that make you acrobatically strong and flexible. Sure, those can be outcomes if they are your aims, but the heart of the practice is learning how to do the most simple of movements - sitting, standing, walking - with stability and fluidity, a fully embodied person. The Yoga poses you see are only the most superficial layer of the asana practice; what is happening in the unseen, felt sense, is the most profound gift of Yoga.

Not only does the intelligent use of our bodies bring physical alignment and grace, but longevity and health also lie in our abilities to focus our minds acutely on any subject, to quieten the chaos noise of the world and the narrating mind to see any one thing clearly. As we narrow our focus to the subtle workings of our inner bodies, we also strengthen our ability to concentrate without distraction to achieve any goal.

As a person who deals with complex trauma and its companions, dissociation and anxiety, this level of embodiment has clarified my path to mental health. Symptoms like depression and shame tug at my frays, looking for a hole through which to pull me from my body, soothing terror with waking sleep. With one-pointed focus I can feel my feet, check in with my senses, and make my way back to presence. Post-traumatic stress can bring about an overload of stress hormones, throwing my body and mind into a fight/flight/freeze response… to which, I breathe, hush the mental chatter, address the trauma on a physical level, and diffuse it. When looking at everyday, practical self-regulating tools, Yoga provides some that can directly combat both numbing and panic.

Yoga has given me the tools to cope with the past year, too - although at first glance that may be hard to see. To be perfectly honest, I was not one of the lucky ones who remained buoyant, giddily occupied in their homes. The year prior had held some pretty huge losses for me and I was dealing with insecurity on several levels when the pandemic hit, and so I fell back into my familiar coping mechanisms - checking out, smoking cigarettes, and generally not holding myself accountable for how I was treating myself and the ones I loved. On a day-to-day basis, checking in to the senses can prevent absolute neurosis, but once I built a sensitivity to my body’s need to communicate, I felt and now am paying for the long duration of silence.

I also sustained a few injuries in 2019 and 2020, altering my practice as far as removing any pose involving weight-bearing in the hands, and causing mild-to-severe constant pain in my neck and shoulder, so my relationship to my body has changed drastically, and approaching a flow (my typical mode of personal practice) isn’t really possible anymore in the way my mind isn’t able to sink completely into movement and has to stay thinking about how I need to modify the next pose, which made practicing altogether less enjoyable.

I quit teaching when studios shut down right at the beginning, and today, I am teaching my first one back (so long as anyone signs up). I have some nervousness about this, but I’m using some methods I learned in an Alexander Technique workshop to deal with this in the sense of being able to follow through with showing up.

Because that’s really been the issue. Showing up. For the past year, every time I tried to get back to health, it started with a morning Yoga asana practice, and the message at the end of the practice from inside was always, “I can do this.” Eat a good breakfast, great. But then, the day would pass, the inevitable fatigue would set in, and I would end my day with mind numbing activities until I was too tired to keep my eyes open so that I could avoid the real responsibility of acknowledging my day on a physical level, diffusing it, and getting myself to a place where I could sleep. Because I’ll be damned if I’ll ever get up for a 5am Yoga practice if I’ve been up until 1am playing Sims or watching the Great British Bake-Off. Just isn’t happening.

Even being in a yoga teacher training that started the same month as the pandemic hit Kentucky hasn’t stopped me from falling from the path for a little while. Luckily I can still use what I’ve been taught now, but there’s a little shame and remorse in letting yet another opportunity go under-fulfilled.

So yeah. In all honesty, this year has been straining and traumatizing for everyone. From some perspectives, the outlook is pretty fucking dark too. My partner and I are sinking deeper into the Great American Pit of Medical Debt as we speak, and it’s hard not to get angsty just thinking about the fact that so much of the suffering the world endures could be avoided in an alternate but feasible reality.

However, despite this apparent loss of hope, Yoga was still there for me. As someone who will probably always deal with the darkest corners of depression for life, I need a light to counter the darkness, lest it becomes too much to handle. Yoga - not in the sense of poses or breathing, but in the experience of unadulterated union between mind, body, and spirit - is that light. Whether distant, in memory, or present, Yoga is one of those things you “can’t unsee”. To remain in that state requires practice, but if you can’t practice, you at least can know that Yoga is there for you when you’re ready to return.

So, here I am, returning. Letting go of the shame of thinking I need to have had it all together, allowing ME to be good enough while honoring the responsibility of being a teacher. I’ve been practicing Yoga asana (poses), pranayama (breathwork), nidra (resting yoga) and meditation of various sorts multiple times a day for a couple weeks now. I’ve quit smoking cigarettes (again) and am working with a doctor to find medication to help stabilize my depression until the Yoga has done its work.

These are things I require of myself to be able to show up to teach: to be doing everything I can to get myself healthy, making decisions that contribute to my health, remaining diligent to my tendencies and looking for places I can implement what I’ve learned kinesthetically and philosophically to my life. In this way, I can come to the mat with a clear mind and hold space for anyone who may need Yoga in the same way I do.

So, I guess this all begs the question, why do I teach yoga?

Because I want people like me to feel safe in a Yoga class. Because I know I'm different from many in that my gauge of excellence is metered by stability and comfort, rather than physical exceptionalism, as the absence of suffering in myself and others is my highest goal. And I think I could access people who really need that, given my understanding of complex trauma and experience with and love for so many kinds of people. I want badly to create culture in my city and even farther, focused around health and community, sharing and creation. I know we can do this. It's hard work, but it can be made easier when your environment reflects positive ideals, and that is something almost everyone has control over to some extent.

If you’re interested in a trauma-informed, research-based, gentle Yoga practice for physical and mental longevity, please join me. Literally everyone is welcome, and I can modify almost all poses to be done from a chair. I’m teaching virtually on Tuesdays at 6pm and in person at Centered Holistic Health on Saturdays at 11am.

Be humble and blessed <3

[azure-v3]

Hey, I really want to hear you talk about Kind Lie because I'm always so impressed at the amount of thought you put into your writing. I wanted to ask what was the most difficult scene to write so far and why ? Can you do a commentary of that scene ? I'm also curious about the chapter titles. How do you chose them ?

Thanks for leaving an ask, and thank you for showing interest in KL as always, even when it’s been almost a year since the last update.

There’s a scene in chapter 3 that popped into my head immediately thanks to a huge mistake I almost made, and looking back at that scene, there were some other tricky parts just before it, so I’ll just commentate that whole part of the story ;D

The context is, Kaito has woken up after (essentially) passing out the previous day because of exhaustion and a minor head injury—and suddenly remembers that he missed his arranged meeting with usotsuki.

(under the cut)

Alright so not much to talk about really, but I do remember having no idea how to describe the frantic spamming of mouse clicks that a person does when impatient.

Again nothing special, but Kokichi’s lack of worry here is notable for two reasons:

First, despite Kokichi always making a lot of assumptions whenever he can, it’s still always based off of some sort of evidence. If there’s no reason for him to assume something, he won’t. He has no reason to think something went wrong, so he has no reason to assume so. Similarly, he has no reason yet to even consider the possibility that he’s talking to Kaito, something a lot of readers don’t seem to realize. Kokichi is just smart, not omnipotent.

Second, it’s just reminding the reader that Kokichi doesn’t know about space_hero’s condition and thus has no reason at this time to worry. That changes quite quickly, however.

Alright, and here we get to one of the two really difficult parts of this scene, and the most difficult part about writing a character who thrives off of denial.

Kaito would never let himself finish the thought of, “what if I had died,” which makes it really hard for me to express what specifically he’s not-thinking about in this scene.

There are plenty of moments in KL where Kaito is an unreliable narrator/POV, and there are so many times where I’m not able to actually talk about what is going on through Kaito’s head because he’s actively avoiding/burying it. Since KL strictly follows his POV, I can’t suddenly jump out with a detached description saying something like, “Kaito refused to even think about dying from his illness” because Kaito is refusing to think about it.

Personally I think this makes for an interesting read, because I have to depend on the reader to fill in the blanks themselves. But that can also make it more confusing. Let’s take a look at what follows:

If the reader can’t understand what Kaito was stopping himself from thinking, they can’t understand why he reacts so dramatically. Kaito is so unwilling to even think about the possibility of his illness being terminal that he has to physically jerk himself out of his thoughts.

I think I played around with this scene a lot, because I was really worried about it being very hard to guess how Kaito was going to finish his sentence. I’m sure there’s some way I could have made it more obvious, but it’s just moments like these that make it really hard being stuck in Kaito’s POV.

Another difficult thing is describing the physical symptoms of his anxiety towards his situation. This is most notable in chapter 4, but it’s something I was concerned about as I reread KL for this ask. For Kaito to start suddenly coughing, hyperventilating, or for him to tense up at a moment’s notice—obviously all of that seems very questionable. However, that’s not what’s happening.

What’s going on is, Kaito is subconsciously and sometimes willingly ignoring himself beginning to tense up, or forgetting to breathe and relax. That leads to the physical stress building up without him noticing, and he only becomes aware of it when something very stressful or shocking happens, which causes that stress to overload and cause a huge physical reaction.

But again, if a reader can’t consider that, then it seems like I’m just dialing Kaito’s physical state to whatever the moment needs it to be.

All of this is mostly just classic Kaito distracting himself from his thoughts. I’m also trying to set up the fact that he and Rantaro actually are friends, that Rantaro travels and skips school a lot, and also that not a lot of people stick around Hope’s Peak Academy during the weekends. It was mentioned earlier in this chapter that Maki, Shuichi, and even Kirumi had somewhere else to be during the weekend. In Chapter 2, Kokichi went on a small rant that everyone, “even Ryouma,” hadn’t stayed at the school that night.

All of that, as well as Kaito knowing who would be around at school during the weekend, as well as “why can’t anyone normal ever sticking around” implying that this is a complaint he’s had before, implies that Kaito, unlike a lot of his peers, doesn’t usually leave HPA, and that that isn’t normal for an Ultimate student. Which might lead the reader to think that maybe Kaito has nowhere/no one else to visit.

Of course, there’s also enough clues to realize Kokichi also doesn’t leave HPA. If the reader knows about Kokichi’s and Kaito’s event where they’re the only two students around during the holidays, than perhaps it’ll be easier for them to go, “oh yeah.”

Alright, here’s the part that made my instantly think of this as the hardest scene in the fic:

It’s just that one line, but it was a pretty big deal to me.

Because originally, that line happened, and then Kaito kind of just wasted the rest of the day doing nothing, and it would be that way until he got a response from usotsuki.

I came back a few hours later to continue writing, reread that part, and it suddenly struck me how completely out of character that was.

Normally I’m pretty confident in my interpretation of Kaito’s character, but in that moment, I had completely lost a part of Kaito—the one that never stops trying.

Because that’s the reason behind Kaito’s entire denial. It’s not that he doesn’t believe he can get sick, or doesn’t acknowledge death as a part of life—Suddenly Kaito is being told that he has no choice but to abandon all of his dreams, and that he should accept the fact that he’s likely going to die, with no control over any of it.

No one is telling him that if he takes really good care of himself he can push through, or that it’s still possible he can recover and go to space. If that were the case, then we’d probably see a very different story, one where Kaito aims to do absolutely everything to ensure his survival and fitness. Instead, it’s a firm, 100% statement of “it’s impossible, there’s nothing you can do, and you need to give up.”

There is no space for him to try. There is no solution to the problem. Kaito is someone who needs to believe that he has control over the situation, believe that he can choose his own fate. Acknowledging the reality of his situation would break him, and thus denial is the only thing keeping him together. If Kaito loses hope, then he can’t go back.

Small little tangent aside, I felt like in that moment, I forgot what the root of this entire story was. And thus, this scene became a moment where I was pulling from my own feelings more than Kaito’s.

Now I’m a lot more careful about it and I’m often checking that Kaito is true to his beliefs, so hopefully there are no other moments like this in the future.

“That’s stupid” is a call out aimed directly at myself, haha. I do want to say that I left one line of Kaito’s inclination to do nothing just as a sort of tease of sorts. Right now Kaito isn’t giving up, but will that always be true?

Another bit of what could be foreshadowing, or maybe an innocent spark of foreboding for the readers.

Space is Kaito’s motivation, the embodiment of his dreams. In the past, looking at the sky gave him hope, but now there’s a sense of fear(—fear that he might not ever get to reach them). Once again, with Kaito hiding his negative thoughts, I really hope readers can put the pieces together and understand what the “sense of dread” is about.

But hey, this time I quite directly imply what it was. I’m quite lucky Kaito is at least vocal about his “positive” thoughts.

And with that, we end the scene with even more of Kaito distracting himself from all his problems!

I hope that this was somewhat interesting!! This might not be an important scene in the overall plot, but I guess it’s a good representation of Kaito’s denial, as well as a good representation of how I sometimes like to hide extra information in unassuming paragraphs. 

TLDR, this scene was the hardest to write because my point of view character is preventing me from actually describing what’s going on, and also it’s sometimes hard to separate his attitude from my own.

(I’ll answer your second question in a separate post, just because of how long this got.)

[cataloniadventures]

First post in Australian Eastern Time Zone

The flight:

I finally have the time to sit down and post. What a wild past few days have been for me. After about 30 hours of traveling to the other side of the world, very little sleep on the plane, and getting edema in my feet (swelling in the feet); I have finally settled into my new home for the next 4 months. It took me and Kirsten (My travel partner from home) about 45 minutes to go through customs and find the people who would bring us to our home called campus east. Wollongong is an hour and a half south of Sydney. I was getting a little dizzy on the ride there due to the fact my brain had to process the driver on the right side of the car while we drove on the left side of the road. The drive through Sydney was jaw dropping. My neck started to hurt because I was constantly turning it left and right looking at all the new sights around me. Once we got out of the city and into the Royal National Park I was in complete and utterly shocked. We were driving through what felt like Jurassic park. I just couldn't believe how beautiful the country was. The driver told us to look out to the left and we could see Wollongong and the ocean. This sight from the highway was just something I cant put in words. It was truly a magical moment. As time went on, we started getting closer and closer to our destination. Kirsten and I were the second stop of the group. The first girl was staying at a host family's house outside of the city. I wish I knew how to explain what these houses looked like. They were all like houses that I never usually see around my home. I turned to Kirsten and said I never want to leave and we have not even arrived at our destination yet. 

The arrival:

The time came when we were just minutes away from Campus East, the beautiful place that I am calling home right now. We arrived and I stepped outside of the van my senses were so overloaded. The smell of the ocean nearby, the cool ocean breeze running on my face and through my hair, the sound of the exotic birds I’ve never heard before, I honestly thought it was a monkey screaming. The first thing I saw I looked up into the bright blue sky was blue and yellow things in the sky. Those blue and yellow things I saw were parachutes of people sky diving. I knew I had picked the right place to live in Australia. We carried our bags into the office and began the checking in process. They took my picture (not really sure why) but, I was so self-conscious because you probably can smell my breath through the picture because I didn't get to brush my teeth after 30 hours of traveling here. We were greeted with a Man named Adam. Adam was a student leader and he went over all the information that we received about our new home. He talked kind of fast and I had a hard time understanding him at some points due to his accent. But all was well after that and he showed us to our rooms. Carrying all my bags up three flights of stairs to find out that Kirsten and I are unit neighbors.

The room:

I opened my unit with a scan key. I immediately fell in love with my new home. There was a small common room with a couch and tv. But the best part of the unit.... the balcony. I love being able to go sit and enjoy the view out there. I can feel the beautiful breeze whenever I want to go sit out there. My room as at the very end of a long hallway. As I walked passed all my suitemates doors I read everyone's names. 3 of the 4 I couldn't even pronounce or knew if they were a boy or girl. Over time I learn how to pronounce their names. I am living with 2 girls and a boy (still not sure if the last suitemate is a boy or girl). I didn't realize that my unit would be mixed with girls and guys. OK, back to my room. When I opened my room I fell in love all over again. There is a huge desk in the corner so I am able to spread out but still have room to work. Above the desk is six built-in bookshelves. I don't have that much stuff with me but I just love having them to be able to put my stuff up there and not on my deskThe closet is pretty big. There are two sliding doors and one of them is a full-length mirror which couldn't be any cooler. The bed is smaller than mine at home but its not awful. Next to my bed is the window. The view I have is pretty decent. I can see the mountains off in the distance, some parts of the other campus east, and some pretty trees as well. Now, finally, the best part of my room is the ceiling fan.....yes I think the best part of my room is the ceiling fan. The breeze that comes from it during the day and at night is just amazing. 

The people:

The people I’ve met the past 48 hours are amazing. They say don't just be friend with the other Americans. I have a boy from Hong Kong, a girl from Norway, a girl from Australia all in my unit. Talking to them is pretty cool. Just comparing things that are similar and different about our cultures is really eye opening. One of Kirsten's suitemates is American as well. She came over with 5 other Americans from all different states. We have found 4 really good Australian friends as well. Its just amazing hanging out with everyone interacting with them and getting to know more about the Australian culture from Australians. Everyone here is so friendly. Our little group took a trip into town. We took the free shuttle bus. After 3 seconds of being on the shuttle, a guy was like a tourist... like really how could you tell? I guess they think Americans are really loud...they’re not wrong. But we talked to this guy and his friend on our way to the shops. He gave us helpful information about places to go and food to try. I started a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store and I think he was genuinely happy he was talking to us, in a way he found us fascinating and interesting. 

And more:

I’ve spent a lot of time walking everywhere. I walked to the grocery store (and back with arms full of heavy groceries). I walked to the bus stop to get to the mall (then back again with heavy bags). Last night we walked into town with a group of 11 people to the bars. We walked along the beach at night. It was really cool they have a pool in the ocean... like the high tide fills it and there's a small concrete wall and ladder to get into it. I thought that was so cool and can't wait to check that out during the day.  We went to 2 bars last night (sorry mom) but it was just cool going there with my new friends and experiencing all this. The interesting fact the club played a lot of American songs, like we all knew the words to songs being played, until, this song came on and our new Aussie friends started singing all the words while the Americans kind just awkwardly danced because we had no idea what song was on. Also, fun fact they call McDonlads Mackies. The weather has been beautiful even though it has rained every day. It actually hailed yesterday. but its still 25 degrees Celsius(77 degrees Fahrenheit). a week ago it was 18 degrees Fahrenheit and snowing now its 77 and clear sunny days. Something I'm still getting used to is the different measurements. This morning my Hong Kong and Norwegian suitemates were talking about how its 30 degrees or 0 degrees out and I'm thinking in my head “I wish I knew Celcius” Lol but I created a note on my phone with some comparisons to memorize them so I know about how cold or hot a certain temperature is. I have my first of many mandatory meetings to go to today. Its called Res-fest and I guess its to meet everyone at Campus East and go over the rules. I'm really hoping the “they are giving us free dinner” rumor is true. Speaking of food ( I'm always hungry with food on my mind) last night our friend group ordered dominos but don't let that fool you. The pizza tasted so different and a LARGE here is like a small pizza back at home... Like I could have eaten that large all by myself. Also I tried some TimTams and OMG they are so good! They kind of taste like chocolate covered Snackwell’s creme sandwiches. I’ve also had some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and they taste different but good. They jelly actually tastes like good homemade strawberry jam. Also it took me 15 minutes in the grocery store to find a can of tomato sauce that would be relatively similar to the tomato sauce back at home along with parmesan cheese, its not as common as it is back home(my Norwegian friend had never even heard of it before!) All in all so far its been a cool learning experience so far just talking to my new Aussie friends and find what words we say that mean something different or words that are like the same thing but we call differently. So there you have it, a little brief summary of my experience in Australia so far. I will post some pictures in a second post for you to enjoy! G’day mates!