#I'm on break now. finished a year of college. fresh start

[dykrophone]

post exam clarity is hitting me like a truck I feel sick

[those70scomics]

Hi hi hi!

So, since you watched the show as it was airing I wanted to ask if Hyde and Jackie were always intended to become a ship and if they were, how do you know? Also, how do you know the original intention was for them to get engaged at the end of season 7, before it was renewed? (Outside from the obvious) I'm so curious

Hi! 😊

I'll start with how I know what I know. The T7S message board at Fan Forum was created very shortly after T7S began airing. When I became co-moderator of the board (less than ten years ago? Around ten?), I read every single post. Including those that were lost in what was called "the purge" by using the Internet Wayback Machine when Fan Forum was called Forum 4 Fans. These are the earliest posts one can find about the show.

This effort took me weeks. I read tens upon tens of thousands of posts and T7S / T7S fandom history. Followed links to defunct T7S fansites (again, the Internet Wayback Machine). This includes reading articles and transcripts of interviews with the cast, producers, writers, and showrunners. Press releases. News about cast negotiations.

Within these posts and fansites are people who went to tapings and wrote thorough reports. People who spoke to producers at tapings. People who (were) connected to people who worked on the show. Wilmer Valderrama posted himself in the board and interacted with fans. Remember, this forum existed before Twitter/X, before Facebook, before Tumblr. These forums were where social media started.

This was also the time of Myspace, and some of the cast posted there, too, which was reported on the message board.

As I found all the info through my research, I posted it in fresh threads on the message board. I also inherited my grandfather's eiditic memory and have partial highly superior autobiographical memory -- which is, thankfully, nowhere near Marilu Henner's complete HSAM. Of course, if I place a pen down and I'm distracted, I'll forget where I put the pen a second later 😂.

Facts stick in my head. Once I know it, I remember it. For example, I used to recite one of my college classes from start to finish to my friends (those who were interested). I've forgotten half the class by now. I learned how to let go of certain info so it wouldn't drive me 🤪. But not autobiographical memories. Those I re-experience like I'm watching a movie but with all thoughts and feelings attached. It's a visceral trip. A blessing and sometimes not so much. 😅

Anyway, there's the how.

Jackie and Hyde weren't always intended to endgame. The Filgos were writers on the show a few years before they were chosen as showrunners. During Jackie and Hyde's season 2-3 arc, the Filgos became enamored of the chemistry between the characters.

When the Filgos were chosen sometimes during season 4 to be the showrunners moving ahead (season 5 through the original end of the show, season 7), they asked the current showrunners to break up Jackie and Kelso by the end of season 4 because they wanted to pair Jackie and Hyde in season 5.

In the second half of season 4, one can see the change in Jackie and Kelso's relationship. It grows more and more toxic, a turn from their previous growth away from their original toxicity. It's written in stages rather than a sudden shift, so it's grounded in story and character.

From season 5, Jackie and Hyde were intended to be endgame. During the press for season 7 before it aired, the cast made clear this was the final season.

The Filgos were contracted through season 7. They got their next job since T7S was ending. Topher was moving into his movie career fully. The scripts, including the series finale, were written. Shows were filmed and began to air

Then Fox decides to renew the show (safer to continue a popular series than to risk $$$ on a new show). But the Filgos already had a new job lined up. They couldn't break that contract. They hoped whoever was hired after them would follow through on their vision for the show and reasonably expected the new showrunners to respect the past seven years of character a d relationship development.

But the showrunners hired were a) probably cheaper to pay because this was their first showrunning gig and b) presented their vision for season 8, which was to "bring it back to the humor and feel of season 1" -- the only season they liked, clearly, but didn't watch very carefully or with any depth of understanding.

W.V. also had in his contract changes for his character, including him ending up with one of the principal female characters. It wasn't going to be Donna, obviously, so that left Jackie. Not a problem for the S8 showrunners who hated J/H and, very evidently, Jackie as a character.

So instead of following through on the storyline the Filgos left them (i.e. reconcile fan-favorite couple Jackie and Hyde for good) to ease them into the role, they destroyed Jackie and Hyde's relationship because [partially direct quotation, partially close paraphrase from a magazine interview published before season 8 aired], "We never understood it. We never liked it. We think it was a mistake for the show to pair them romantically, so we're returning them to their season 1 dynamic. They were originally antagonists, and they should have stayed that way. That's where the humor is."

Fortunately, frustratingly, and sadly, someone connected to the show revealed Jackie's endgame from the original series finale, the original season 7 finale: Hyde proposes to Jackie, and they get engaged. Their season 7 arc is built around this endgame. Despite the script revisions and rewrites made when season 8 was greenlit, their original endgame remains evident throughout the second half of season 7.

Hyde tells Eric peacefully and happily (for Hyde) that he's decided [to marry Jackie]. Jackie would have actually left for Chicago, leaving Hyde the note he reads shortly after his decision. Kelso was not involved. But the rewrite, I believe, changed Jackie to having pretended to leave. It's messy writing, but it sets up that Kelso must now drive Jackie to Chicago. He's in her motel room, etc.

The original scripts likely have Jackie go to Chicago before the deadline she set for the ultimatum. Hyde is naturally upset and angry because he'd decided within her deadline to propose, but she deprived him of the chance after forcing the choice.

Hyde's conversation with Eric and Donna about his feelings (in Hyde's way) was probably in the original script. Donna calls out Hyde, realizing he was going to propose. Later, Eric tells Hyde he recognizes that Hyde became happy once he and Jackie got together.

All of the above is easily discernable. The following is conjecture based on the facts, foreshadowing, the Filgos' intended endgame for Jackie and Hyde, and my education and experience as a writer.

These conversations lead Hyde to break out of his misery and go to Chicago (with a ring) and follow-through with the proposal -- a huge character moment for him. He's going to fight for Jackie even if she ultimately rejects him (a parallel to "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You" in season 5, where Jackie professes her love and doesn't care if Hyde says it back).

Hyde would have knocked on Jackie's motel door. She would've been shocked and asked Hyde what he's doing there. He would have entered and gotten on one knee. The audience would have squealed. Hyde would have proposed in a way true to himself -- not sentimentally but touching nonetheless.

She'd be in shock. "I can't believe you came to Chicago ... "

Hyde says his knee is starting to hurt, so she better make up her mind before he's forced to stand up.

Jackie: "Yes! Steven, yes, I'll marry you!"

Hyde blows out a heavy breath in all kinds of relief, stands up, and puts the ring on Jackie's finger. Jackie and Hyde kiss and embrace. Then Jackie examines the ring and is surprised he didn't go on the cheap like Eric.

Hyde: "Yeah, well, I asked W.B. for help."

Jackie: "But you hate hand-outs!"

Hyde: "It's not a hand-out! It's a loan. I'm gonna pay him back."

Jackie stares at Hyde lovingly.

Hyde: "What?"

Jackie: "This is our first fight as fiancés!"

Hyde laughs quietly then kisses Jackie again.

Fade out.

Other scenes to finish off the series, including the reveal to Jackie and Hyde's friends and family about their engagement.

[darkphoenix07]

i suffer from panic disorder and usually nothing can calm me down i just have to work through the panic attacks and breathing tricks don’t help. the only thing that’s ever worked is when i was in the middle of one and someone grabbed my face and put our foreheads together and kept saying “i’m here i’m not letting you go and i see you” and had me repeat things like “i’m safe i’m with you”. so i’m thinking say you’re at an ateez concert backstage bc you’re dating a member and for some reason at one point you get overwhelmed and start having an attack. you know the boys will be coming off of stage soon for a quick break so you start walking away so you can panic away from everyone but your boyfriend notices and refuses to get back on stage until he’s helped you thru the attack (like i mentioned above). i’ve been having yunho brainrot recently but also with mingi’s own struggles with anxiety i can see him in this scenario too. one of them would be great!

Yunho prioritizing your mental health over his concert

Mental health request

Masterlist

Paring : Yunho x Reader

Genre : Sweet, Angst, Anxiety attack, Panic disorder

Music : Shout out by Enhypen x Taylor Swift Blank space

7:32 p.m.

The boys have just finished their practice and everyone is getting fresh one by one for getting their makeup done. You are sitting with San as he is talking nonsense about his cat. But your eyes on the way Yunho is going to enter. It has been one year since you guys started dating and your life has become heaven from then.

Yunho is the boy you always thought he was seeing him on screen but other than that, he is so protective and cautious about your needs. He notices the little things you do, he is also good at remembering dates, he is good at calming you down whenever you need to. Even the boys have accepted you like you are their family member and that's why you are always with them in the backstage whenever you can when their concert occurs.

You hype them up on stage and off. Everyone knows about your relationship with him, without the fans. You haven't revealed it officially yet as it can effect on his career. He insisted but didn't because Korean fans can get kinda toxic regarding idol relationship.

"There you are," you look at him all dressed in white, hair still wet and a broad smile beaming on his face.

"San, will you leave my girlfriend alone for God's sake? Wherever I'm not around, you are around her like a lost puppy," he says taking your hand, pulling you towards him and your forehead hit his chest.

"Calm down, big man. Not everyone wants to take your girlfriend away. I was having a cat talk with your girlfriend who happens to be my friend too," he says.

"Whatever, piss off," he says and San leaves rolling his eyes.

He kisses your forehead and stares at you, "If I didn't have to dance now, I would do forbidden things with you right now."

"Seriously? You have a concert to attend and you are talking about sex?" You hit his chest playfully and his smile gets bigger, "I'll miss you."

"I'll be some feet away," You tell him and hug him but the hug doesn't last longer as he gets a call from manager for doing his makeup.

After he leaves, you sit there alone. You are not allowed in the makeup room as Yunho gets distracted a lot. You think of roaming around for a while and have some chips.

As you walk around the corridor, you hear some girl talking about you, "I don't understand how Yunho is so obsessed with her. She isn't even that pretty let alone rich."

Another male voice says, "Even I wouldn't fuck her but Yunho seems like he wants to gift her stars. That's too shitty."

They are the staff, you don't see their face neither recognize them but their small talk was enough to make your heart heavy.

You've always thought about what have you done to have someone like Yunho in your life. He is an international star where you are just a normal college girl. Nowhere you deserved him because you are not as pretty as the girls who would give their life to become his.

But he chose you, wanted you, cared for you. Why? You don't even deserve it, you are not even a good person. You were awful to your friends and family, they all dislike you for your smart mouth as they said. You always talked a lot and they were all shit.

But Yunho always loved how clumsy and talkative you were. How lost you were always in your own world and that's how he became a part of it too.

But your hands start trembling at the thought that you are a burden, a distraction for Yunho. No one is going to accept you as his girlfriend because you are no match compared to him. You are nothing and he is everything. Every staff, every fan, every person he knows and doesn't know love him. On the other hand, people hate you, never loved you as much as he did. Then? How did you become someone worthy of love by him?

You feel so overwhelmed that your mind starts getting filled with toxic conversation of how undeserving you are of love, care and warmth. How you shouldn't live and how you are not good for Yunho. He is going to get rid off you too because you are too much to tolerate. Your head become a mess with thoughts colliding with each other.

You tried breathing, thinking about something else but your heart aches and your knees feel weak. You hold on to a railing as you whimper trying not to cry out loud, you grab your stomach as it hurts too much. Breathing comes hard for you as your body sink on the floor.

There their opening time is up but Yunho wants to say goodbye to you and you haven't even hyped them yet. He asks everyone where you are and starts looking for you. They tell him to start the opening but his heart keeps telling you that you're in need of him. So he follows and finally finds your body curled around a railing of a corridor as you are having hiccups and aches around your body.

"Oh my God, darling," he sits in front of you and tries to make you face him but you keep looking down.

"No... don't "

"Please look at me."

"I... can't," you feel embarrassed and shameful because of the person you are. People will think you want attention, you are ruining his day.

But Yunho picks you up crossing your legs around his waist as you keep your chin inside the crook of his neck.

He keeps his hand on your back patting but you're still trembling as he keeps you on the couch of the resting room telling everyone to leave.

He cups your face wiping as much tears as he can, "You're safe with me. Look at me, it's me. Your Yunpup. Baby."

"Let me go please. Go join them. You're getting late," your words sound so hoarse as they come out barely.

"I'm here, I'm not letting you go. I see you. You are not alright. Please calm down. My heart is aching seeing you like this," he says kissing the tip of your nose.

You look at him seeing his make-up getting smudged on the side you were crying when he picked you up.

"Fuck, I ruined your makeup. I keep ruining everything. I'll ruin your career too. Let me go, please. I-"

"Shhh, you are not going anyway just like I said. You are not ruining anything, Y/n. You are the love of my life and I have vowed to myself to protect you forever. Leaving you here like this, how do you I'm going to dance?"

"But your co-"

"They can wait. I've told them I'll be late for half an hour. So hold my hand and looks at me," he says and you do.

"Say it. That you're safe and you're with me," he says.

"I'm safe. I'm with you."

"Inhale for a long moment. Hold it for 4 3 2 1, now exhale. Yes, that's my girl. See, you are good at that," he says ruffling your hair as you feel calmed down.

He did it again and you are feeling relaxed, "Listen to me."

"Hm."

"Leaving you will be like burning my soul, tearing a limb from my own body. So, don't even think about it. I love you sweetheart and I'm always going to love you like there is no tomorrow. Do you understand me?"

You nod when another roll of emotion washes over you making you cry.

"Promise me one thing."

"Yes?"

"Whenever you feel like this, come running to me wherever I am. Don't you dare break this promise, okay?"

You nod again and he pecks you, "I love you the most and I'm not letting it go for anything else. You have made my life so much easier and happier than anything else. What will I do with reputation and wealth if my loml is not with me?" The way he is holding you in his arms right now, he is making you feel like you are a tiny baby.

You smile hearing him saying those as he pecks you again, "Get ready to stay up all night after I finish my concert. I'm dying to touch you."

"Shut up, pervert," you say standing up making him chuckle.

"You are my nicotine, baby girl," You stand there stunned as he gets ready and leaves for his performances.

As you stand in the crowd, you see him spotting you right away as he sends you a flying kiss mouthing, "Ready for tonight?" Washing over your panic, anxiety and insecurities.

I hope it helped you

[bellysoupset]

"So what do you think?" Vince asked in a rasp, sitting down on the shitty couch and grimacing. The flu had taken a toll on him and even though he felt much better, all the moving around and loading and unloading of boxes hadn't helped.

There was still so much in the car, but Vince didn't have it in him to finish unpacking. His father would come over the next day and he could help.

"I like it..." Wendy mumbled, wringing her hands together.

When Vince had told her the plan was never to move in with his parents —  in truth he wasn't sure how she had even assumed that since he had asked her to move with him as well — Wendy had looked about ready to cry.

The same distraught, heartbroken look she had displayed on her face that very moment, walking around the tiny apartment Vince had rented near the school he'd be starting at the next day.

"Are you sure? Because you look like you think this place is haunted," Vince teased her lightly, rubbing his chest. All the heaving and puking from three days before had left him with a perpetually sore abdomen, his lungs aching.

"No, I like it, it's-" Wendy breathed in, pulled on her corset top in order to collect herself and brushed some imaginary dust off, "it's cute. Could use a fresh layer of paint," she regained some of her usual sass and Vince smiled at the clearly forced attitude.

He got up from the couch, wrapping his arms around her from behind and squeezing his girlfriend. Wendy stiffened up for a second, before melting against him, shoulders dropping.

"I fucking hate that you're leaving," she whined, fingers closing around his wrist and keeping him hugging her, "I fucking hate this place and I hate that I- I want to move here, but I-"

Vince pressed his lips to her temple, bending down in order to kiss her cheek, "no, you don't. It's only going to be a year, honey."

"A year, right," Wendy sighed, looking all sorts of defeated, "a year until we break up."

"A year for us to try long distance," Vince corrected, ignoring the way his heart squeezed at her words. He had no plans of breaking up, but the fact that Wendy kept bringing it up as if it was a fact didn't help in the least to reassure him she wouldn't break things off, "then if it doesn't work, we'll think of something else."

"We're only delaying the inevitable," Wendy mumbled, nails digging in his arm and he let out a sigh, kissing her temple again.

"We are not breaking up," he promised her, "not unless you dump me," it was meant to be a joke, but he was genuinely scared of it and it came out as a question.

Wendy let out a scoff and he could almost hear her rolling her eyes. Vince squeezed her a little tighter, "honey, my parents did long distance when in college and look at them," he said, trying to sound optimistic, "practically hired actors for a margarine ad."

She let out a little watery chuckle at that and nodded, "I know... I know, you're right..." Wendy leaned back, then wrinkled her nose in distaste, "but really, this apartment is so ugly."

Vince let out his first real laugh, deep in his chest and rumbling against her back. Wendy smiled, eyes stinging at the fact she would no longer wake up every morning feeling him all but purr with soft snores, the exact same vibration she was feeling right now.

"Yeah, it's lacking some pink, don't you think?" he teased her, planting a kiss on her neck, "and some glitter."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm not sure about glitter for your little bachelor pad-"

"I'm happily taken," Vince scoffed, his voice muffled by her hair, breath brushing her ear, "stay the night?"

She knew what he was doing, trying to distract her with sex, the issue was... It was working. Wendy turned on his arms, shaking her head, "I can't, I have work tomorrow morning. But I'm gonna see you Friday and you're going to call me tomorrow night, right?"

He nodded, "yeah, probably during lunch as well-" Vince bumped his nose with hers, bending nearly in half to kiss her and wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling Wendy off her feet.

This was so unfair, Wendy thought viciously, as Vince's hands dropped from her waist to her ass and she locked her legs around his torso, them stumbling back and falling on the cheap couch.

The furniture let out a groan under their weight and Vince muffled a chuckle against her mouth, feverish kisses dragging down her lips, her jaw, her neck-

"I really have to leave," she groaned, pushing him back. Vince let out a sigh, resting his forehead to her chest, since she had some height sitting on his lap.

"Alright, alright..." he planted a kiss the exposed skin, "text me when you get home?"

"Okay," Wendy nodded, before stealing another peck, "use the red shirt tomorrow, it fits really well."

"Yes, ma'am," Vince kissed her again and it took Wendy all of her self control to pull back, pushing him away. He walked her back to her car and it took them at least another handful of kisses, before Wendy found strength enough to hit the road.

She meant to go home, but just the thought of her empty apartment made her shudder and the knot in her chest get even tighter. Wendy parked the car in front of Jonah's building and quickly shot him a text, as well as letting Vince know she was home safe. A little lie he didn't need to know.

Jonah was wearing his olive silk pajamas set when he opened the door, looking super sleepy.

"Dee, what-"

"I can't sleep in my house tonight," she pouted and Jon's frown cleared up immediately. Her wordlessly stepped aside from the door and Wendy entered, noticing most of the lights were off. She had no idea what time it was, but it had already been nearly ten when she left Doveport.

"C'mere," Jonah sighed, wrapping her up in a hug and Wendy squeezed her eyes shut, sinking into his arms. He was warm, clearly taken out of bed.

Her eyes burned, stinging with tears, throat aching as she was doing her best not to cry. Jonah's chin pressed on the top of her head, "it'll pass," he whispered, "you're alright, I got you."

"Can I stay?"

"I'm not kicking you out at 2 AM," He scoffed, squeezing her a little tighter, "c'mon."

Wendy didn't say a thing as Jonah guided her further into the apartment and she didn't even register when they passed by the guest room. It only downed on her once they entered the master suite and she saw Leo curled up on his side, with JD happily asleep against his stomach.

She frowned, but Jonah simply yawned and slipped under the blankets on his side of the bed, lifting the covers as a wordless invitation.

Wendy chewed on her lip, but it was an empty gesture. She needed this, to be wrapped up and squeezed until her heart glued back together and she could be her powerful self in the morning.

She kicked off her shoes and crawled on the bed, taking half of Jon's pillow. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, yawning.

"Thank you," Wendy whispered, cuddling as close as she could and closing her eyes.

"Anytime, darling," Jonah yawned in return.

[jungle-angel]

The First Cozy Christmas (Calvin Evans x Reader)

Summary: It's been a day and Calvin can't wait to get home to you and your baby

Warnings: Mentions of birth, religion etc.

Tagging: @floydsmuse

"Now it's important to remember that with certain elements, they are often ductile which means they can be run through wires" Calvin explained to his students who were all seated at the lab counters. "Cobalt in this case, is a ductile substance but it is also malleable. Now malleable substances do what?"

Only one brave student dared to raise their hand. "They can be reshaped?"

"You would be right Cindy," Calvin pointed out. "I'm not gonna bother you guys much with the chemical makeup of it all, we will of course be going over the fine details, but as of right now we really need to explore the technical and practical side. Memorizing formulas and makeup will only do so much until you actually start to work with it."

He looked at the wall clock, hoping that time had gone by just a little faster, but to Calvin's dismay, it was only 8:50 in the morning and class had started at 8:30. No amount of coffee was going to get him through the long day ahead.

Calvin went around helping each of his students with their lab work, making sure none of them burned themselves in the process. All the while he listened in case someone should come knocking at the door, hoping he could give the next impudent little admin a tongue lashing.

He opened the windows after the heat from the bunsen burners had cranked up the temperature just a little. The cold air felt much better on his face and neck, even as a few snowflakes blew in from outside.

At last the class was dismissed around 9:30 and Calvin could step outside to get some air. He headed back to the cafeteria to meet up with Dr. Powers, now fresh from a lecture, the both of them hoping to catch a break. The cafeteria had always been a favorite place of theirs, more so when Calvin had met you and introduced you to Anthony your first year teaching at the university. The place had been neatly decorated for Christmas, with all the pine garlands around the windows and shelves, a bulletin board full of Christmas cards for the staff as well as flyers and pamphlets for various charities, the smells of the hot meals coming from the kitchens along with the strong smell of peppermint mocha coffee.

"What a morning," Powers groaned. "I almost had a student burn their eyebrows off in the lab this morning."

"You're lucky," Calvin chuckled.

"Says the man who's student made a military grade stinkbomb on Halloween night," Powers joked.

"Lest ye forget, said stinkbomb got us a ten million dollar grant for the college," Calvin reminded him.

Dr. Powers rolled his eyes. "That's not even the half of it either," Powers groaned. "You know that new professor? The one who teaches biology? I think his name is Beecham?"

"Baker," Calvin corrected.

"Yes, him," Dr. Powers continued. "Struts into the lab like he's the cat's ass and starts heckling the students."

"Sound like someone we knew?" Calvin asked, finishing off the rest of his breakfast.

"Probably took over after the little gimp got fired," Powers said, taking a sip of his coffee. "You watch, he'll say the wrong thing and end up getting burned for it the same way D'Nadi did."

Calvin rolled his eyes at the memory of Raymond D'Nadi, the detestable little senior professor who Calvin had encountered more times than not. "You remember the day that Murray sent him walking?" Calvin chuckled.

"Cal that's like asking if the Titanic remembers the iceberg," Powers answered.

Calvin laughed. "I remember Boz's students singing that damn song on his way out."

"Oh God and Professor Broussard's students," Powers chuckled. "Broussard's in the art history department and even he couldn't stand him."

The two of them laughed at the memory, finishing their food and their coffee before their next classes began. At last, the morning seemed to be going by a little bit faster and since the college president had ordered all classes to be done by 12:30 at the latest, it had Calvin wide awake and eager to get home to you. Finally, it was that hour, just in the nick of time as they completed their experiments.

"Alright, everybody clean up your stuff and make sure your lab coats go in the laundry bin outside," Calvin told his students. "We'll pick this up again in four weeks so make sure you keep your brains sharp and your studies up."

The students all bid him farewell, everyone wishing each other a Merry Christmas as they headed out the door. Calvin excitedly dumped his lab coat in the bucket outside the door, relieved that at long last the day was over.

"What'er ye doin in these halls lad? I thought ye'd be goin home?" chuckled a familiar voice.

"Same can be said of you Padre," Calvin chuckled. "How are you?"

"Eh, could be better, but could be worse," Father McDowell said a little ruefully. "Bleedin knee's not lookin much better."

Calvin made a face. He felt terrible that Father McDowell hadn't been feeling well with his bad knee, the poor priest now walking with a cane to keep steady, but in winter weather it had become a little worse for wear. "Anything they can do?"

"Well, Helen asked the surgeon when we went but ain't much they can do," he sighed. "Jaysus be praised, I didn't have to kick anyone in the arse this afternoon."

Calvin laughed as he gathered up his things and threw on his coat. "You want a ride home?" he asked.

"I'd appreciate that immensely boyo," he said. "Rode all the way down here with hardly a way back."

The two of them stopped by the nursing hall where Winnie Daly, one of the nursing students, handed off Six-Thirty to Calvin. All three of them headed out to the parking lot and loaded up in the car, heading for home down the snow covered streets.

"So I heard a detestable little gobshite's been fired eh?" Father McDowell asked him.

"Oh you heard?" Calvin laughed.

"Heard?" Father McDowell said. "He was screechin down the hall like a lady! I stuck me head out the door and threatened to put me boot up his arse if he disturbed the lecture."

Calvin laughed. In all the years that his family had know Father McDowell, he still couldn't get over the fact that the good father had no filter whatsoever.

It was only a short drive through the snow, but Calvin had safely pulled up the little driveway outside of the rectory near the church where Frank and Helen McDowell had lived since coming to the states. He had very fond memories of the place, growing up with the McDowell kids and causing all manner of havoc both in and outside of school.

"Thank ye boyo," Father McDowell said. "Will I be seein ye and (y/n) at Christmas service next week?"

"First thing in the morning," Calvin answered. "Figured it's better than going at midnight."

"Ah, I'd never ask that of ye," Father McDowell told him. "And let me know what the plan is for Ellen and we'll work with it."

"Not a problem Padre," Calvin said. "We'll see you then."

As soon as Father McDowell had gone through the front door, Calvin headed for home with Six-Thirty still in the back. He switched on the radio, content and happy as Frank Sinatra's voice began to fill the car. Finally, the house came into view, the pretty little Christmas lights already strung up, courtesy of Cal's father, Henry.

Calvin entered the house and shut the door behind him quickly to keep out the cold and heavy snow, hanging his coat and scarf up on the hooks near the door. Six-Thirty barked when he saw you in the dining room, walking about with Baby Ellen all snug in her pink blankie and her warm little hat.

"Welcome home Daddy," you chirped in your little sing-song voice.

Calvin took you right in his arms and pressed a searing kiss to your lips. "How's my queen and my princess?"

"Wonderful," you answered. "She's just a little fussy from waking up and your mother is downstairs in the basement finishing the last load of laundry."

Cal felt immense relief when you told him. You and Ellen had only been home for a few days and all the while, he had worried about what would or wouldn't get done around the house. Thank God his parents lived next door and could help.

You very carefully placed Ellen in his arms before going into the living room to turn on the Christmas tree. Calvin smiled as the tiny white lights lit up the room and the fire crackled in the fireplace. This time of the year was always so special to you both, made even more special by the fact that Ellen had arrived just in time for it.

"Well there you are Cal," Patricia happily remarked. "Didn't think you'd be home this early."

"President of the college ordered closings for noon since it's the week before Christmas," Cal explained. "Glad to be home though."

"I'll say," Patricia said, seating herself on the living room sofa to fold the clean laundry in the basket. "Wouldn't wanna be driving in this weather."

Cal yawned and took the spot next to his mother while you were in the kitchen, the smell of dinner wafting into the living room. As soon as Patricia had gone back downstairs, Calvin laid right down with Ellen on top of him, protectively holding her as they both began to fall asleep. Six-Thirty had taken up his post next to the coffee table just in case Ellen should wake up and in no time at all, all three of them were in such deep sleep that they would have barely noticed the house settling.

As soon as dinner had been taken out of the oven, you poked your head into the living room to find your husband, daughter and Six-Thirty all asleep. You took the wool blanket off the back of the chair near the fireplace and threw it over Cal and Ellen before covering Six-Thirty with his own. You couldn't resist taking a little polaroid photo for the scrapbook that Patricia was working on, slipping it into your purse to keep it with you always.

[traegorn]

I need to stop doing this to myself.

(A Rant Where Trae Has Written Too Many Books This Month)

So since most of you started following me because of Witchcraft or podcast stuff, I realize a lot of you don't know how much fiction writing I do.

Primarily what I've published are comics. The big one is UnCONventional (which ran from December of 2009 to December of 2019), but I also did a steampunk comic called The Chronicles of Crosarth (which I put on hiatus in like 2018 intending to come back to... but I haven't, and I make no guarantee that I will even though over 650 of the 800 planned pages are done). Crosarth is... fine? The art isn't great in either of these, but UnCONventional carries itself with the humor.

But that's all old stuff. You may be like "Trae, what have you been producing for the last four years," and the answer is "not a lot." I got major creative block with the pandemic. Peregrine Lake, the "Northwoods Gothic" comic I was supposed to launch in 2020 (which has some characters from UnCONventional in it) didn't materialize when I said it would. What storytelling energy I had went into Stormwood & Associates and The Meatgrinder (my two actual play podcasts), but that was it.

And then 2023 happened, and the juices started flowing again.

Peregrine Lake is moving forward -- but with me just doing the writing. My urge to draw has not returned, but my urge to write has. A friend of mine, Ethan Flanagan, is drawing it, and I've written the first year of comics. It likely won't launch any time soon (the artist I'm working with is busy as hell so we want to get a shit-ton of the comic done before we launch it -- we have like the first month and a half of the comic ready?). But yeah -- it's happening. I hoping for Spring, but we'll see.

The other thing though is that I've started writing, like, novels. I've always had like twenty ideas in my head, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I decided to start with the idea I cared the least about (in case I fucked it up): A queer urban fantasy story.

In the last month and a half I've written complete drafts of two different novels in this setting, and am halfway through another one... and have another one outlined.

I, uh, had some ideas.

If you're asking yourself "Hey Trae -- what the fuck? That's a lot" you need to know a few things that aren't obvious. At one point in college, in 72 hours, I produced over 40 pages of text between three research papers. All were for 300 level courses, and I may have disassociated while writing them because I frankly don't remember most of it. But, like, they were decent papers.

One of those papers is in Google Scholar.

Anyway, yeah. I haven't been sleeping great because I've been obsessively writing, but you might ask "Why didn't you just write one and get it ready to publish?" That's a great question. Because I wrote a book, and when I was 3/4 of the way through it I realized something very important: This book would make a great sequel to a book I haven't written. I've been writing book two in a series where I haven't written book one yet.

Well fuck.

So I finished that draft, and I went and wrote book one. Now that book? That book I'm getting ready to publish. I expect to have it out in January. Part of my editing process involves setting what I think is a completed, good, revised draft down for a couple of weeks and then returning to it with fresh eyes. We're in that waiting period right now.

But I still had a bunch of energy.

So the first thing I did was a revising draft on book two (the one I wrote first), but I finished that. And had more energy. And more stories in this setting kept popping up.

So I started a third book. And I'm halfway through the first draft of that book. But then I realized yesterday... shit, this isn't book three.

This is book four.

I need stuff to happen before we get to this story.

So now I've outlined the actual book three, and am working on literally both of these books at once (I'll take a break for Christmas and then go do a final edit on Book One).

And... I'm just like... why am I like this?

I need to stop myself for a few days and get more sleep.

[dearestvante]

stars around my scars; kth. | 04.

pairing: taehyung x fem!reader genre: college au, goodgirl x badboy (sort of), angst, fluff warnings: lowercase writing, swearing, drinking, infidelity (not between you and tae), taehyung calls you 'angel', can be confusing at times (i'm a beginner and not a native english speaker), seokjin should be punched, whole lotta depressive things, this is a sad chapter:(( summary: people are not always what they seem. you learned that the hard way, when you caught your boyfriend cheating, the night that was supposed to be one of the best ones you ever experienced. but on the same night you also learned that in everything bad, there’s always a little bit of good. wc: 1.9k

series masterlist

usually you would toss and turn sleeplessly at an unfamiliar place like a hotel bed, but tonight was different, you technically fell asleep as soon as your head touched the pillow. the fresh, white sheets and the queen sized bed you had all to yourself - your dad booked a separate room for you - created a cozy atmosphere, so you slept like a baby, until the morning lights made their way inside the room, making it harder for you to keep your eyes closed. after adjusting to them, you quickly got up and ready to meet your dad for breakfast.

he was very quiet during breakfast, and all the way home. you could tell he is nervous, and it wasn’t surprising. he cheated and ran away, and now, years later he’s back to apologize and, hopefully start over. you might’ve been a little more soft hearted than you mother, but even you thought that he has set himself up for failure, but he seemed genuine about his apology, so you figured it wouldn’t hurt to at least try.

you walked into the house first, and found your mom sitting beside the kitchen island, anxiously biting her nails.

“y/n? is that you?” she got up immediately after hearing the door close. “don’t ever do this again! you can’t jus-… what is this?” she stopped, noticing your dad behind you.

“i’m here to-”

“no, you don’t get to talk to me, get out! just leave, you’re good at that.” your mom didn’t even let him finish a sentence, and you were trapped between your fighting parents, once again.

“mom, listen to him, please.”

“i just want to apologize, that’s all. i’m not asking for anything, just wanted to let you know that i’m sorry.” your dad explained after gathering up his courage.

“was this your idea?” your mom turns to you, barely listening to what your dad has to say. “to call him back, as some sort of revenge?”

you looked at her, confused, having no idea what is she talking about. “what do you mean by that?”

“because i called the parks too for dinner? is he here because of that?”

“no, mom, not everyone is that self-centered as you are.” you scoff, which upsets her.

“excuse me?!”

“you heard me. you invited them and forced me to forgive jungwon for what he did, to make sure that mrs. park stays your friend, not your rival.” you had it all figured out by now. your mom wanted you to be on good terms with your ex, just so she can keep her title as the best lawyer in town.

she doesn’t react immediately which gives you the confirmation that you are indeed, right. “well, you can’t blame a single mother for wanting to keep her job.”

“and what about me? what i want? what i feel? ever cared about that?“ you ask, fighting back the tears that are about to roll down on your cheeks. she doesn’t answer, the whole room is painfully quiet. you don’t expect her to answer the question, or to be more precise, you don’t want her to. cause whatever she says, it will hurt like hell, so you just leave. as you walk up to your room, you hear your dad mumble something before he leaves. you hear your mom too. she’s crying. and so are you.

the rest of christmas break passed shortly, and by the time you got yourself together, you were already back at the city, eagerly waiting for college to start again. during the last few days you spent back at home, your mom tried to approach you and apologize, but you refused every time. accepting it would’ve meant that she did act selfishly, only thinking of herself, completely forgetting how you were a victim in this situation. it was too hurtful to accept all of this, so you decided to ignore it wholly.

going back to your apartment, you assumed that the quietness of it would help sort out your thoughts and feelings, but what went according to your plans these days. ever since soojin left - since you kicked her out - the place didn’t feel like home anymore. it was noiseless and cold, gray and lonely. you missed the liveliness she brought every time she crossed the threshold. you missed her, even if you were too stubborn to admit it.

walking through campus has never been more ambivalent than it was today. on one hand, it felt good to be surrounded by people, it eased your loneliness a little bit. on the other hand, you wished everyone would just leave you alone. you were supposed to be charging up during christmas break, but instead, you returned drained, tired of everything and everyone. luckily for you, your peers sticked to their preferred cliques, giving you your much needed space. since midterms were coming up shortly, you decided to stay at the library after your classes, so you can start preparing for them. on your way there, you stopped by the cafeteria for a quick lunch, given that you were not exactly in the mood for meal prep during the weekend. everything that has happened lately, - with your friends, your ex and your family - has started to take a toll on you, so much, you felt yourself sinking into a deep, dark pit once again. the same one you escaped once, but your chances to do that again didn’t seem very high.

you were almost finished with your food, pushing the leftovers from one side of the plate to the other, completely lost in your thoughts. you got used to the background noise, so when one, easily distinguishable voice appeared somewhere near you, pulling you back into the real world, you immediately looked up to find its source. when you did, you decided it is better to ignore so hopefully he will go away. seokjin stood right in front of you, trying hard to hold back a laugh. you figured that his friends offered him a bet, - which, for some reason included you too - and he gladly took on the quest.

“y/n, can i.. can i ask you something?” his question is interrupted by a suppressed laugh.

you don’t say anything, just cock an eyebrow in his direction.

“does your new boyfriend use handcuffs on you? or would that be too insensitive given that, you know..” he can’t finish the sentence cause his friends burst into laughter a few tables away, distracting him.

you clench your fists under the table, forcing yourself to maintain the eye contact. “seokjin, you’re an adult. can you start acting like one?”

“c’mon, you didn’t answer the ques—” he walks around the table to approach you but then suddenly stops, being met with taehyung’s tall figure. he doesn’t have to say anything, seokjin immediately turns around to leave, only to find himself staring right into jungkook’s piercing gaze. he’s startled, he can’t even hide it. the whole scene looks like it has been taken out of a movie, so you can’t help but let out a small chuckle when seokjin finally finds his way back to his deranged friends.

“what did he want?” jungkook asks you, as he sits down.

“not important. just some stupid bet i guess.” you start tossing the food on you plate around again, hoping that your lie sells better if you avoid eye contact with both of the boys.

“are we still on for tonight?” taehyung turns to you, only to be met with your confused expression, so he adds, “the exhibition?”

you completely forgot about that, but you hide it behind a smile. “sure, why wouldn’t we be?”

“i just thought, cause you are kind of avoiding me.. i mean, us.”

“what?! i’m not avoiding you.” you most definitely were. after his birthday, something shifted inside you. you couldn’t exactly tell what it was, but it confuse you. every time his name popped up on your screen or in your thoughts, you felt something, but that something was different now. not having felt like this before, you slowly started figuring out what it might be and it scared you. the thought of him not feeling the same, of it all being unrequited, getting your heart broken once again was what scared you, to be precise. so your genius idea was to avoid him as long as possible, hoping that these confusing and scary feelings will die down with time.

“okay, if you say so.” he shrugs and you thank god and everything that is holy the he left the topic at that. “at what time should i pick you up?”

“uh, i don’t know. like six?” you glance up at him again, while gathering your stuff from the table.

“where are you going?”

“to the library. i have to study.”

“how much more can you study? i bet you know the code of law by heart.” jungkook interrupts, partially cause he’s interested and partially to let you know that he is still here and it’s not jut the two of you.

“i don’t, that’s the problem.” you claim, and you’re already on your way out, waving them goodbye. “see ya!”

after successfully retreating to the library, you buried yourself in books and your notes, making sure that studying is all that is in your head. not taehyung with his perfect face and perfect body and perfect everything. but obviously, you were unsuccessful. you couldn’t stop thinking about him, and the harder you tried, the more space he took up in your mind. at some point you laid your head down on the table to take a break from everything - out of frustration or tiredness, maybe both - and just rest your eyes for a few minutes. your head was spinning from all the information you were trying to memorize and all the messed up thoughts that were running through it. you weren’t thinking about taehyung anymore, he was just the start of your spiral. you were heading towards a really dark place, with a concerningly fast pace, one that only has loneliness and misery to offer.

you were pulled back from your spiraling to the library by the buzzing of your phone, your face red and slightly numb from bring pressed to the hard surface of the table. you pick it up instantly, your voice still drowsy.

“y-yes?”

“please, tell me you’re okay.” taehyung’s voice is deep and soft, like always, but you can hear the worry in it. that’s when the realization hits you.

“oh my god, what time is it? i’m still at the library but we—”

“it’s seven thirty, but don’t worry about it. i’m glad you’re alright. i called a few times, but i’m starting to get used to them not being answered.” his laugh is bitter, it hits you right in the heart. you caused this.

“i’m so sorry, i swear i wanted to go. i don’t know what happened, i just let my eyes rest for a couple minutes…” you apologise, even though, at this point it’s completely useless.

“it’s fine, y/n, really.” he calls you by your real name, that’s how you know it’s not fine. “get home safe. bye.”

you can’t even say goodbye, he hungs up so quickly. you sit there for a while in the empty library, tears burning your eyes more and more with every passing second. you fucked this up. you’re all alone now, with no one left to hold onto. and that deep dark pit is waiting for you oh so eagerly.

a/n. as promised, here's the next chapter !! it turned out a bit depressive ngl and it kinda carries onto the next one too but that one ends... well you'll see how hehe. anyways, you know the drill, every type of interaction is appreciated. take care, lovelies ❤️‍🩹

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @diabolical-blue!

Productivity Tag!

Goals:

Oh god, I suppose I want to publish traditionally, but that's a looong way off. I'm way too busy right now and a broke college kid to boot. My more immediate goal is to get all my finished stuff beta read before I save up money for editing.

Productivity Tip:

Sometimes taking a break now means more productivity later. You can still work on your story if you aren't writing it. Draw, or make playlists, or even daydream. Eventually, you're gonna have to buckle down and do it, but don't be afraid to recoup your energy until then. You're an animal, and animals are meant to conserve as much energy as they can.

Current Project:

Currently, I'm writing the third and final book in the Mystery of the Mortal God series (not the actual series name, I haven't come up with one I like yet). I'm about 60 pages in and the action is finally starting, so I'm feeling good about it!

Exchange Something:

I saw the person before me gave out playlists, but all my playlists are in my bio already, so here's an open offer for story assistance. If you've got a fight scene you need help with, my eight years of martial arts experience might be able to help with that. If you've got some biological worldbuilding you need assistance on, I've gotta use this stem degree for something. If you'd like some character art, I might be slow about it, but I'll probably give it a whack. Feel free to pop in anytime, I don't bite (only kick)!

Quote:

"The McDonald’s french fry is unbelievable. When you bite into it, you think: It’s so tasty, it can’t be real. As soon as it gets cold, it turns to lard and flubble. I mean, have you ever tried to eat a McDonald’s french fry that’s gone cold? That’s one of the circles of hell. The gulf between the warm, fresh, lightly salted McDonald’s french fry and the cold McDonald’s french fry is as great a gulf as any I know."

-Viggo Mortensen

I'll tag @sarahlizziewrites @goldencomet69 @mundanemoongirl @willtheweaver and anyone else who wants to try this one :)

[im-poe-dameron]

CHAPTER ELEVEN

a/n: so......it hasn't been that long since chapter ten has it? i swear i meant to pop the last four chapters out before my last semester ended. But between the chaos in my life growing each month, and my last year of college I kind of forgot about this story altogether. To be entirely honest i didn't intend on finishing it. Except here I am now on winter break and ready to finish! I swear. I won't vanish again. I have plotted out the remainder of this story and am writing chapter twelve as i post this. So the story will have an end. I swear.

I just want to say a big ass fucking THANK YOU to those who left comments on the last chapter. I literally have so many of them screenshotted and saved on my phone to re-read on bad days and that's why I'm finishing this fic. Cause i love you guys.

Also a massive thank you to @apascalrascal who beta read this chapter and to @caesaryoulater who also read it through and told me she loved it. And a special thanks to @themarcusmoreno who continues to be my enabler for everything and anything. This series included. I couldn't have done it without you guys. I think that's it! So without further ado, please enjoy this tension filled chapter of a dinner with friends.

summary: "come to dinner" poe said, "it'll be great" poe said. what a fucking liar.

word count: 10.3k+

pairing: 1980s!din djarin x fem!reader

warnings: slightly explicit (we'll get there guys), cussing, angst, fluff, lots of apologies, alcohol consumption, dry humping, poe dameron losing his will to live, poe dameron's sanity being tested, sexual tension, yelling, and some horrible attempts at comedy.

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You knew he was there before even fully waking up. The warmth of his arm was pressed into your waist, his breath hitting the back of your neck and causing the hair to stand up. At one point in the night the covers had been pushed down to the end of the bed—his body being the one thing that kept you warm. Yup…you knew he was there alright. So, why didn’t you get up? Why did you burrow further into his hold—smiling slightly as he pulled you closer, his nose pressing into your hair?

There was a term used for this kind of behavior and while you’d call it self inflicted torture, someone like Liv would have used something much stronger. It’s not like you didn’t want this. You did. Fuck, you wanted more than this. But the memories from last night were still fresh in your mind, playing on a twisted loop to remind you of what he did.

What you chose.

Except you could still feel the pressure of his lips against yours, the way he’d made your head spin…just like before. You wished you could simply forget. Yes, that would make things easier—in fact it would make you feel better. You would be able to look over everything he said to you, all the pain you were put through only to come to one conclusion. Living a life without Din Djarin, was not a life you wanted. Shit, it didn’t even seem like a life you could have. So, why couldn’t you forget?

The real reason was…you knew why. You were just too fucking afraid to say it out loud.

“I can hear you thinking,” he mumbled—the sound of his voice scaring you out of your worried state.

“How long have you been awake?”

A puff of air hit your neck, his raspy chuckle following it. “Long enough to know you’re panicking.”

“I’m not…panicking.” That was a lie—you were absolutely panicking.

Between his bar being turned into literal ash, his wounded state, and the fact that you had yet to discuss what you were, you felt as if your brain was halfway through running a 5k and you were barely at the starting line. What you really needed was time to breathe. Except the thought of leaving him again splintered what was left of your already broken heart. You were connected to him—beyond what the both of you could comprehend and that’s why you stayed.

You wanted to be there.

Turning, you kept your eyes shut until you felt his arm settle back over your waist. If you didn’t look at him maybe things would be better. Maybe you wouldn’t feel like your entire world was shattered and put back together in only a manner of weeks. Maybe…you’d figure out how to finally let him back in. They were all things you had trouble with—aspects of your life you wished you could forget about. Only you couldn’t. Letting Din back in meant forgiving everything that happened and for the life of you…you couldn’t do it. You didn’t know why.

“Are you going to open your eyes for me sweetheart?”

No. The word rang in your head like an alarm bell, because you knew what would happen if you opened your eyes. You’d fall in love with him again and it would be easier than breathing; a fact that both excited you and left a thrill of fear streaking down your spine. You were terrified of letting him in again—terrified of what he’d do.

“I want to,” you whispered, eyes still squeezed shut as he ran a finger down your cheek, making you shiver. “Fuck I want you.”

“You have me.”

You felt like you were going to cry the longer you lay there wallowing in your own pain, but you needed this. More than he did. He dealt with his own pain by leaving and it took you until now to realize you never truly dealt with yours. You only shoved it to the side in the hopes that it would one day disappear like everything else you harbored. All the grief William put you through somehow amounted to all the pain Din put you through. Until one day…it combined and you could no longer discern who broke what piece of your heart.

“Do I?”

His hand cupped your cheek, tilting your head back until his nose was brushed against yours. “Sweetheart I’m yours till the day I die.”

Scoffing, you felt a tear fall down your cheek towards your nose. He caught it in time. “You shouldn’t joke about something that literally almost happened.”

“Too soon?”

You shoved his shoulder. “You think Romeo?”

“Fuck…I missed that,” he breathed, pressing his nose against your cheek, lips brushing against yours.

“I thought you hated that?” It was maddening to be so close to what you wanted, centimeters apart, and still so far away—lost to the labyrinth of your mind.

“I don’t care what you call me sweetheart. As long as it’s you who’s calling me it.”

There it was. The truth that had yet to be fully untangled from the web of your messy pasts and feelings. You’d love him through all of this; through all of the pain, because he would do the same. He’d love you until the stars died in the sky, until you were buried beneath the ground side by side—just as it was always meant to go. Fate had a funny way of twisting two people together and you were fucking glad it chose Din Djarin to be that person.

“Din,” you whispered, finally opening your eyes and meeting the brown eyes you couldn’t forget even if you tried. “Kiss me.”

The words were barely audible, a mere brush of air across his chin, but you knew he heard them as if they were shouted in his ear. Closing the gap, he pressed his lips against yours in a messy but overdue kiss. Last night didn’t count. Not when you were both in shock from what happened. No, this…this right here is what you’d call your reunion—a choice you both made in the early morning hours of the day.

You moaned softly into his mouth as his tongue slid against yours, hand digging into his hair to keep him close while his went to your hip. If there’s one conclusion you could come to after all of this it was this. Din Djarin kissed like he was running out of time. He devoured you like you’d be gone in a few seconds, forever lost to the ravages of time and knowing your reputation of the past month…he had good reason to. While he still tasted the same, you felt the difference in his hold and really everything about him.

This wasn’t him kissing you because you asked him.

This was him apologizing one more time, because when it came to Din…he’d never be able to say sorry enough times to feel okay with what his past amounted to.

So, you took all the pain and reflected it back to him. You moaned into the kiss—proving to him that this, him, is what you wanted. There wouldn’t be another choice for you; that much you were entirely sure of. His arm circled, your waist, tugging you closer and rolling onto his back dragging you with him. You still kissed him; still leaned further into his touch and licked fervently into his mouth. He shuddered as your nails dug into the nape of his neck; his hips bucking up into yours, bringing a smile to your lips.

“Eager,” you teased.

He pulled back, mouth opening to shoot back what would no doubt be an eviscerating comment, but all that came out was a deep broken groan. His head falling back into the pillow as you dropped your hips fully onto his—grinding your cunt along his clothed cock. Sex was off the table. The both of you knew this. But riling Din up drew a different kind of pleasure to your body, until you felt like you were floating as you watched him lose his mind.

“Fuck,” he rasped, eyes opening to reveal his once brown eyes now turned dark. “You’re going to kill me sweetheart.”

You shook your head, dragging your hips forward and gasping at the pressure. “Not exactly—oh—”

His hands splayed on your hips, guiding your movements as if you were actually riding him. If you imagined hard enough you could remember what it felt like to have him inside you—the stretch of him filling you completely until you were gasping for breath. Part of you wanted to have it back, beg him to fuck you into the mattress like he used to. But last night still happened and you weren’t so keen to forget about it. So, with a stuttered jolt of your hips, you stopped, shifting forward to kiss him languidly instead.

A soft moan was swallowed by him, his hand coming up to clutch the back of your neck gently—kissing you back. Only with him every kiss felt just as filthy as fucking him did. What started off slow and sweet became a mixture of spit, teeth, and tongues licking hotly into each other’s mouths, driving one another insane. You were shaking as he ran his hands down your back, the warmth of his palms seeping into your t-shirt covered skin. Fuck, you wanted more than just kissing him. You wanted all of it. The romance, the love, the sex.

You wanted him.

Except the tiny—almost minuscule—amount of doubt continued to ring in the back of your head.

The door to your bedroom opened swiftly and you jolted back, nipping sharply at his bottom lip enough to draw a small amount of blood.

“Breakfast is ready if you two are done fucking,” Liv said rushing down the hall before the pillow you threw could actually hit her in the face.

Din fell back onto the bed, his hands still on your hips as you remained on his lap. If you could locate your camera, you’d take a picture of this sight—placing it right beside the polaroid of him in the record shop. But after your breakup you gave it to Poe to keep, making sure that you didn’t have it around to break when you broke down again. The sunlight broke through your half opened curtains, casting a glow along his face, causing him to look ethereal. It was a wonder he truly didn’t see what you did—always shying away from the compliments you gave him.

“Are you hungry?” you asked, shifting to clamber—rather ungracefully—off his lap.

You didn’t catch the way his eyes opened, taking in your half bare form, his erection still pressing painfully along the tight confines of his jeans. “Yeah,” he murmured, the taste of you mixed with copper still stuck on his tongue.

“Liv makes some good pancakes.” You grabbed your own jeans, shoving them on to look at least semi-presentable.

When in reality you would much rather lock the door and ride your ex-boyfriend until he couldn’t think straight. Shaking your head you attempted to rid yourself of those thoughts. Liv would see them a mile away and you refused to give her the satisfaction of knowing you were so in love it hurt. You willed away the spark of heat that began to stir in your stomach that only seemed to grow the longer he stared at you from where he was sitting—half naked with dark eyes that kept you frozen in place. He looked at you like you were the most beautiful version of yourself. When merely you were sporting a messy look as you fought against the arousal burning low.

None of that mattered to him though.

You’d known that the second you finally set your heart on letting him in. He only wanted you—in whatever form you took, whatever way you looked—he would take it in a heartbeat.

“Stop looking at me like that,” you said, glancing away as he stood to his full height, moving forward to cup your chin. “It’s distracting.”

“Good,” he replied.

A swift kiss was pressed to your lips; a broken sound leaving your throat as he cemented the arousal in your mind—reminded you of what it felt like in the early days of being with him. It was hard to believe so much time had passed between the two of you. When in reality it felt like years had gone by in a blink of an eye. Leaning forward you pressed against his bare chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath your palms as he continued to kiss you slowly…deeply.

“We have to…” Your eyes fluttered open to see him sporting a small smile on his face.

“Breakfast?”

“Yes,” you breathed. “Yes we have to do that.”

“C’mon sweetheart.” He slipped his singed shirt back on, his eyes glancing at the burned spot on the corner of it.

You knew it would take time to recover from what happened for the both of you. His bar was his home; the one place he felt completely safe, and now it was gone in the blink of an eye. Going back to it would be a difficult feat in itself. One you’d done before him, and one you’d be glad to help him in accomplishing.

The kitchen smelled like pancakes and coffee; the scent filling your nose when you walked out. Liv was pouring a cup of coffee as surprisingly Poe cooked eggs with Finn watching over his shoulder—most likely to make sure he didn’t burn them. You hadn’t expected them to show up here, but knowing the debacle from last night, they probably had nowhere else to go. The door swung open, Paz traipsing in behind the woman you recognized as his girlfriend. He carried a grocery bag overflowing with food, her hands holding onto a different paper bag.

“Djarin!” he exclaimed, dropping the groceries unceremoniously on the counter, not bothering to see if they stayed upright. “We stopped by the bar.”

Just the mere mention of it caused Din to sit up a little straighter from where he was at the table, a cup of black coffee in front of him. “The damage?”

“Extreme.” Paz snatched a pancake off the plate in front of Liv. “The bottom half is burned to a crisp, but we managed to carefully get inside and your apartment didn’t take the brunt of the damage.”

“So all his stuff is still there?” you asked. If his place wasn’t burned entirely that means he still had his belongings, at least half of a home. You figured that was ten times better than no home at all.

The woman nodded. “Well…for the most part. The kitchen took the majority of the damage.”

“I can live with that,” Din said, glancing at you.

“This is Thyra by the way,” Paz replied, gesturing at her. “She’s been a part of us since the beginning.”

All the times you’d been to the bar and seen there, you couldn’t believe you’d never officially met her before. She was beautiful, standing tall in her heeled boots and long dark hair that draped over her shoulder in a braid. The symbol on her leather jacket was one you’d seen before; the sign of a Mandalorian—or at least that’s what Din told you before everything happened. Smiling, you stuck out your hand. If she was a part of the family that Din made for himself then you would welcome her with open arms.

“I’ve seen you before at the bar,” you said.

She nodded, her dark eyes practically sparkling. “It’s nice to finally meet you…sweetheart.”

Heat spread up your neck and into your cheeks, the hot coffee not helping even as you sipped at it. Had Din introduced you that way to everyone? Or was that merely the name they heard the most when it came to you? Her smile told you it was the latter, but her eyes told you something else and you weren’t sure what to believe. You felt his arm snake around your waist, the weight of it pressing lightly into your stomach as he pulled you closer to where he was sitting. Just that movement alone calmed the slight embarrassment that filled your veins. However, it did nothing to cease the racing of your heart. Thyra’s eyes flicked to him, a smile stretching across her lips as she no doubt teased him as well.

“Do me a favor,” she said, pointing her words at Din. “Don’t fuck it up or'dinii.”

Paz snorted. “You can’t expect that Thyra. Kaysh mirsh solus.”

“Copaani mirshmure'cye, vod?” Din retorted, his eyes narrowing.

You’d never heard him speak his language other than the few words he let slip here and there, but now it seemed he was more open in letting those he cared about see this side of him. A part that only his family saw. You wondered if this officially made you his family now, and that thought alone made your lips twist upwards into a small grin. Paz roared with laughter, his own retort missing you completely as he tried to rile Din up enough to fully go through with his words. Except you had no clue what they were saying.

“What does that mean?” you asked softly, bringing his gaze back to you.

He shook his head, turning so you stood between his spread legs. “He called me an idiot.”

Your eyebrows raised. “And what exactly did you say?”

“An old phrase.”

“Which is…”

Thyra was the one to answer your question as she took a seat, a plate of pancakes in her hand. “Basically saying: are you looking for a smack in the face.”

“All in good nature,” Paz said.

“No fighting in my kitchen please,” Liv finally spoke up, her expression still in disbelief at the sight of several bikers taking up space in the already small apartment.

Poe and Finn were having their own conversation, leaning against the counter as they ate—unfazed by the talk of Mandalorians in front of them. This is what you missed. Sure, you ached to be back in the bar—back behind the counter—but this…the gathering of friends and family was what you missed the most. It seemed that even without the bar you could make yourselves at home anywhere; only needing one another to make that new place your new home.

The smile on your face widened, a sigh leaving your body as Din nudged you slightly to bring your attention back to him. It didn’t take him long to see it. The contentment in your stance, the joy in your eyes, and his own lips were turning up slightly. The sight of you happy enough to elicit that same emotion from him. You had him with you again. Him and all that came with him and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I missed this,” you said quietly enough for only Din to hear you.

“I missed you,” he replied, his hands pressing into your lower back.

Yeah…this just the way it is was perfect.

An hour later and you were helping Liv with the dishes as Din went through the bag Thyra brought from his apartment. Some clothes that didn’t take any damage, two extra pairs of boots, and what looked like a few picture frames that were hung up in the bar awhile ago. He must have moved them to his apartment before everything happened and you were about to ask him why when the door burst open again. Paz and Thyra had gone back to the bar to see what else they could salvage, leaving Poe and Finn to head back to their places.

Only to wind up back here.

Poe led in Finn, Rey, and Elora. He held a box in his hands, which he dropped by the couch beside Din.

“All the stuff you left at my place,” he said, snatching whatever was on the top before heading towards you. “And this.”

You smiled at the sight of the camera. “You took care of it.”

“Like you asked me to,” he replied. “I figured you’d want it back to take some more pictures.”

One look at Din searching through the box and you knew that you could take a million pictures of him, but it would never be enough to finally sear him into your mind. You weren’t even sure what it would take. But that wouldn’t stop you from trying—from capturing him on polaroid after polaroid, because now…you finally could. As if he could sense the way your eyes burned into his skin, he glanced up, his lips pulling up into a small grin. That apparently was enough to send your heart fluttering madly in your chest like a flurry of butterflies was passing through you.

“Thank you,” you said softly, pulling Poe into a hug. “I don’t know what I can do to repay you for how you’ve looked out for me after…everything.”

He shrugged. “You don’t have to pay me.”

“I feel like I should, given all the emotional distress.”

He’d been there from the start; watched you and Din grow as a couple only to see it fall to pieces. You and Din inadvertently tore apart a family that relied on the two of you to be together—a family you now called your own. Things still had to be resolved between the two of you; emotions had to be cleared and you knew it wouldn’t be the last time Din and you fought. But the heartbreak would be different then. All of it would be different, because you knew deep down that one way or another you’d find your way back to one another.

Just as the stars intended.

“Elora and I are hosting a dinner tonight,” Rey said. “Nothing big, but we’d like you and Din to come.”

You smiled, feeling another layer of anguish lift from your heart. “We’re there,” you replied. It may take some convincing to get Din there—only even you knew he would never truly say no to you. He never had before.

“It’s at Poe’s place.”

“Unfortunately,” he grumbled, reaching for the plate of cookies Elora had brought. “I don’t know why you couldn’t do it at your place.”

Elora came up behind Rey, resting her chin on her shoulder. “You’re the one with the bigger apartment flyboy.”

“That’s not my fault.”

Elora smiled. “Oh so it’s not your fault you only got it cause the previous tenant had a crush on you?”

“Technically happened before I even moved here.”

“Still counts.”

“You can’t blame me for being pretty sunflower.”

 She rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms loosely around Rey’s waist. “I’m not, because you are not the prettiest sunflower here.”

You  couldn’t stop the giggle from leaving your mouth, the moment of playful irritation between them now lost. You wondered when they met, how they met—all of them—in order to become the way they were now. Sure, they were friends. Anybody could see that. Except there was something between them—something you couldn’t quite discern—that made them family. An unbreakable bond that had been tested again and again only to finally realize at the end of the day that it couldn’t be broken; no matter how hard someone tried to destroy it.

“What time?” you asked.

“7:30,” Elora responded. “We’re cooking and for the recipe I’ve got planned it’s going to take some time.”

“Well if it’s anything like your cookies, it’s going to be delicious.” You couldn’t lie. If no one (including Din) were here, you’d have demolished those cookies in a fucking heartbeat and you could see by the look in her eyes—she knew it.

The conversation continued; their arguments never ceasing and you turned, catching Din’s eye as he shuffled through the box. A picture frame of him and his son sat on his lap—the smile on his face similar to that of Din from the past. You remembered the first time you saw him smile—truly smile—and the sight never left your mind. It stuck to you like glue, tattooing itself onto your skin, because even though he refused to believe it, Din Djarin was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen. You knew it the moment you walked into the bar and saw him for the first time and you absolutely knew it now.

Heading over to him, you plopped down onto the couch, leaning your head against his shoulder as he rested his chin against your head. It was comfortable having him here in your home like this. Merely sitting beside one another. Sure, the tension still remained and you were eighty percent certain that if no one was here you’d be riding him on the couch, but just doing this was nice too. In fact…you enjoyed it more. He didn’t say anything. You didn’t say anything. And all finally felt right in the world.

Sighing softly, you shut your eyes for a few brief moments, listening to the conversation in the apartment. It all sounded eerily similar to the bar and if you focused hard enough you may be able to smell the familiar scent of liquor, motor oil, and cigarettes. Fuck, you missed his place. You yearned to be back there, serving drinks and catching his gaze across the room as he stood behind the bartop. Eventually everything would end up back there—back where it all began—but now you were simply content to be here.

His fingers trailed along the back of your hand, twinging with your own as the cold press of his rings caused a shiver to go down your spine.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, rubbing his thumb along yours. “For everything.”

You didn’t have to stop yourself from smiling this time. “Careful Romeo. You keep apologizing and I won’t be able to get mad at you the next time we fight.”

He huffed, pressing his lips to your temple as they curved upwards. “That’s the idea sweetheart.”

“Yeah right.” Part of you knew the words you said were right. Except you could still feel the slight sting as a certain memory came back to your mind; forcing you to relive what should have been forgotten by now.

After all, he finally said it. He said he loved you. So why wasn’t that enough? Why were you still wracked with pain every time you wanted to finally give in and love him just as freely as you’d done before? Why…after all this time…were you terrified of being broken again? You knew he wasn’t William—far from it—but that didn’t stop the emotions from rising to the surface. Twisting your heart painfully in your chest as you contemplated what loving him again actually meant to the both of you.

“We’re going to dinner at Poe’s place tonight by the way.”

He shifted back, brown eyes meeting yours and as always your heart fluttered in your chest. “I don’t feel like—”

Pulling him down, you cut him off with a kiss. The conversations ceased to exist, the problems came to a stop, because it was just you and him in your little bubble. He sighed into your mouth, cupping the back of your neck and sliding his tongue along your bottom lip. Things couldn’t go further than this, you knew that, but it still felt euphoric to feel his lips against yours. To kiss him until the air rushed out your lungs and the taste of him was seared on your tongue.

“It wasn’t a question Romeo,” you breathed, slightly dizzy as he pulled away. Your eyes fluttered open and you swore you saw the brown of his pupils grow darker—lust clouding his expression.

“What time do we go?” he asked, relenting swiftly as his eyes zeroed in on you sucking your bottom lip into your mouth.

“7:30.”

He nodded, glancing at the old clock you’d bought at a thrift store in Massachusetts. The both of you had three hours to kill with nothing to do. Showing up to a friend’s dinner empty handed always turned out to be a bad idea in your opinion and it’s not like you could simply grab a bottle from the bar and bring it with you. The cooking abilities you had were limited to breakfast and possibly a nice one serving dinner.

“What’s going on in there?” He tapped your temple lightly, dragging your attention back to him.

While you had grown to read him like a book, he’d always been able to flip through the pages that made up who you were. You felt the faint beginnings of a smile form on your lips as you leaned back against him, your thoughts still spinning with what was happening. Everything occurred so fast you could barely keep up. Shit, you could barely keep up regardless, but with the fire and the feelings—you were trying to keep your head above water while navigating in the dark. You wondered if he could see that. Or if he even felt the same way.

“How’s your cooking skills Romeo?”

“Barely there.” Bringing your hand up to his mouth, he brushed his lips along your wrist. “Should I ask why?”

“It’s rude not to bring food when you’re invited somewhere.”

He chuckled, the sound burrowing deep in your chest, spreading towards the molten heat in your stomach. The control you had on yourself was wavering by the second and he wasn’t helping you in the slightest. Still…you didn’t pull your hand away. You let him press featherlight kisses to your wrist, down your forearm until he reached the juncture of your elbow and worked his way back. It felt nice—as if he was attempting to calm the thoughts in your mind without words.

When it came to Romeo, actions were his go to.

“I don’t think that applies to us, sweetheart.”

“Well it would be nice regardless,” you huffed.

Glancing at him you saw his eyebrows raise. “And who’s going to cook it?”

“I could—”

“No.”

“My cooking is not that bad.”

Another kiss was pressed to your wrist; this one firm. “I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

He breathed out a laugh that was barely audible. “I did.”

“Djarin I swear—”

His teeth nipping sharply at your skin cut you off as you winced. “Don’t call me that.” He had shifted until his lips were pressed against your ear; the warmth of his breath caressing your cheek.

“Call you what?” You weren’t an idiot. You knew he heard the slight waver in your voice and you also knew…he liked it.

“Djarin,” he replied slowly. The bite in his tone wasn’t meant or even meant to scare you; it was rather to prove that he knew how your insides twisted at the sound and how your walls clenched around nothing. He was toying with you just as he had done before. “Everyone else calls me Djarin. You don’t.”

You smirked, tilting your head until his lips brushed against your cheek. “And here I thought you hated the name Romeo.”

“I never said that sweetheart.” If you moved another inch, his lips would be on yours again, and you never longed for something so much. “I’ll happily let you call me that.” He turned your head for you, the heat of his gaze digging into yours. “As long as you say Din when you scream.”

They were words whispered against your lips; barely audible to even you, but you heard them nonetheless. He was truly trying to fuck with you. Your eyes widened as the words settled into your mind—flashes of that very thing happening over and over again playing through your head. If he looked closely enough, he’d be able to see you reliving each one, and by the slight grin on his face…he knew. You opened your mouth, hoping to come up with a retort hot enough to have him squirming, but he’d officially done it. He’d fried your brain past the point of words let alone coherent thoughts.

“See you tonight lovebirds,” Elora’s voice broke the spell Din had you in, giving you a chance to gather yourself.

Din stood up before you were able to say anything back, saying a polite goodbye to Elora and heading to the kitchen. Still you remained on the couch, his words echoing in your mind as he went through your fridge. Really there was nothing in it—the thought of grocery shopping was further from your mind than it should have been. You could count on one hand what you bought this week and none of it could be used to cook anything.

“What do I cook?” you asked, walking into the kitchen to see him shut the door on a sparse fridge.

“Nothing.”

“Look I can—” Him grabbing his jacket and the keys to his car cut you off. “Leaving me already Romeo?”

The phrase was meant to be harmless—a joke, but seeing him tense, his hand clutching at his keys, made you want to take it back. Fuck. Things were still on edge between the two of you and while he’d apologized through the night, more times than you could count, that didn’t stop the restlessness in your body. It didn’t cease the ache in your chest that refused to fade.

“Bad choice of words,” you said, starting to ramble. “I’m sorry I should have said can I come with you…” Why the fuck were you still talking? He must have known it was a joke…right? He turned around as you apologized for the second time, his eyes bright and yet twisted with a grief he couldn’t yet share with you.

“Sweetheart.” You clamped your mouth shut. “I love you.”

Those words…they would never cease to make your heart flutter, to make you heat up from head to toe until you were sure you’d melt onto the floor.

Smiling, you felt the worries lift off your chest, giving you a chance to breathe again. “I love you too Romeo.”

He stepped forward, gripping your chin lightly and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips before backing away towards the door. You didn’t ask him where he was going, didn’t need to, because he’d come back eventually. So, you busied yourself with cleaning up the kitchen—hoping it would throw off your mind from flooding with every manner of filthy thoughts. All of them with Din as the star of the show.

Sure, the words were carved into your skin like a wound that was taking it’s fucking time healing, but that didn’t stop you from wanting him. Only…wanting him is what got you into this mess. You two rushed into a relationship of sorts faster than you should have and before you got to know one another. Now you were doing things the right way. Which continually left you feeling like you’d combust if he looked at you too long.

“Fuck,” you muttered, nearly slicing your finger open on the soapy butter knife. “I need to get laid.”

“Where did you get this?” you asked, eyeing the wooden box that sat in the middle of your living room.

Din walked in an hour after you finished the dishes, carrying a box that looked eerily similar to the ones you used to see at the bar. Only the bar and all the alcohol that remained was burned. Which left you wondering who he paid off to get him this stuff. He cracked it open, pulling out a bottle of whiskey that was immediately familiar to you. The same one that sat empty on the shelf in your bedroom—now a piece of decor—the very same one that still held those charred bills the both of you refused to touch.

“Supplier,” he replied. “He owed me a favor.”

You nodded, knowing it was better not to question his methods. “Tell him thank you from me.”

Handing off the bottle to you, he watched as you placed it on the bookshelf near the television. Right beside a framed picture of you and him that Liv sneaked one night when she visited the bar for the first time. It was two months ago and even in the image you could see how much Din cared for you. The glint in his eye transferred to the glossy paper. You were standing behind the bar, a bottle in your hand as you poured gin into a glass; he leaned next to you, watching you with a smile on his face. You didn’t see her take the picture, never even saw the flash go off, but you thanked her for it every time you glanced in its direction.

“How many bottles are we taking?”

He lifted two out of the crate, setting it down next to the brownies you managed not to burn. “Think that will be enough?”

The way your friends drank, the two bottles would be gone before dinner was even served. Still you nodded, heading towards the bedroom to throw on the sundress you laid out earlier. The weather was becoming warm again; the cold was now vanishing slowly and while you were going to miss it—that didn’t deter you from wearing the oversized leather jacket that was thrown on the chair.

“Thankfully Rey and Elora are cooking,” you called, trying not to trip as you attempted to latch the platform sandals closed. “Poe’s good at making drinks, but I’ve seen him cook and I can definitely say I am bett…”

You trailed off as you walked back to where Din stood, catching the heady look in his eyes. They trailed down your body past the skirt of your dress all the way down to your feet, dragging upwards just as slowly. All the time you spent shoving down the burning heat that built up in your stomach vanished. It rushed through your veins, turning your skin warm as he simply watched you. Before everything, before the pain, he would have simply stated you weren’t going, taking you to bed without any complaints. But now…he waited, held his stance and breathed heavily as his gaze settled on yours.

He knew you weren’t ready for that and this was him respecting that wish. He wouldn’t touch you. Not until you were absolutely sure about him again; until you could finally open your heart to him.

For some unknown fucking reason, that made you want him even more.

Fuck your hormones. They waged a war within your body—turning you into a wilting mess even though he had yet to lay a finger on you.

“Do you like the dress?” you asked.

He grunted in response, turning back to the box, his hands clenching as you walked past him.

Poe’s place was thankfully not far from your own apartment. In a way, you were thankful for the short amount of time you’d have to spend in Romeo’s car, alone with him. You figured it was better that you keep your distance from each other, given how your reputation for holding off on jumping one another was all but disappointing. The next two weeks would be ruthless. What with you helping Liv with the last minute details of the wedding. Thankfully it would keep you busy.

You had yet to confront that one nagging question in the back of your mind. One you were truthfully terrified to even go near, because the answer would determine how you’d feel the next few weeks.

The silence felt comfortable with him—the radio playing the latest songs and the windows rolled down as he took the streets to Poe’s place. People milled about on the streets outside. The city night life came back as the sun dipped beneath the skyline of buildings. You could recall being a part of this crowd, of bar hopping night after night; a time when you were the most lost with no way of finding yourself home. Somehow in the end it brought you to him; stuck you in the center of something beautiful and told you to remain where you were.

It didn’t take you long to figure out that that’s where you belonged in the first place.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asked softly. The question was asked more frequently since he’d come back into your life—as if he was terrified of what your answer would be.

Ironic.

You were scared shitless of his own answer.

“I keep thinking…”

You noticed him stiffen in his seat, his left hand tightening on the wheel slightly until his knuckles turned white. He promised he wouldn’t lie to you, wouldn’t keep any secrets from you, and this was one of them. It’s not like he was trying hard to hide it. For the first time, Din was fucking terrified of what you’d say, and somehow it felt nice to come to that realization. Proof that you weren’t entirely alone in this situation.

“Nothing bad I hope,” he said, forcing a smile. But you saw the trepidation in his eyes, the waver in his voice.

He was worried you’d leave again.

That made your heart clench in your chest.

“Liv’s wedding is in two weeks,” you replied, keeping your eyes solely on his, finally reading his reactions as clearly as he read yours. 

He’d given you an insight into his mind, told you all his fears, his past, and somehow that opened him up to you in a whole new way. Before, you struggled to even figure out what he was thinking, but now…you knew. You could see it so clearly on his face he didn’t even bother to school his expressions anymore.

“I saw your calendar.” Ah, the one that was hanging up on your wall—Liv’s wedding date marked with a big red circle. “Are you worried about it?”

You shook your head. “I’m actually really excited. It’s been a long time coming and I know that she’s ready to finally get married. But I was thinking…” He sucked in a breath, the leather steering wheel crackling under his grip. You only had a small amount of time to get this question out in the open before heading up to Poe’s for dinner. “I was actually hoping…”

“Sweetheart you’re killing me here,” he groaned, eyes flashing with agony.

A smile crossed your lips as you leaned in closer. “Would you still like to be my date?”

The car fell silent, his eyes turning back to the road as he pulled up to Poe’s apartment building. Your heart lurched in your chest, fear filling your veins as you realized you might have made a mistake. Fuck, you knew you should have waited. All of it was too soon; that damn question was too soon and you let out a shaky breath, turning your head away from him as you blinked quickly to get rid of the oncoming tears. 

Please put me out of my misery Romeo, you thought in your head, desperate for him to say something—anything.

“Do you still want me as your date?” he asked.

Your head snapped back to his direction and you finally took in the utter defeat on his face. The pain in his eyes that he pushed away constantly, but you still saw it under the surface—saw how he fought against it. He hadn’t admitted it yet, but you saw it there in his face, heard it in his words loud and clear. He was afraid you still didn’t want him—that one day you’d wake up ready to run out the door and leave him behind.

“Of course I do,” you whispered. “Do you still want to…be with me?”

The question was a double edged sword and you were both dangerously walking on either side, trying to keep it balanced for the first time in a long time.

Did he want you beyond the heartbreak? Did he want to push past what you went through and find your equilibrium again—find the place you called home in this relationship.

His face fell as he took in your eyes glossy with unshed tears. “I want to be with you until the day I stop breathing sweetheart.”

“Oh—”

But he wasn’t done. Far from it.

Leaning closer, he cupped your face, twisting in his seat to finally bring his lips close to yours. “Yes I want to be your date to Liv’s wedding. Nothing would have stopped me from going. And yes…I want to be with you in any way you choose to have me. I’m yours baby. Till the end.”

You felt as if the weight pressing down on your chest was suddenly lifted; air filling your lungs with so much air it stung on the way down. Either way you relished in it, because you finally got your answer. Din wanted to be with you. He wanted you. Rather than kiss you on the lips, he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, sending a shiver down your spine. While the doubts from before began to fade the longer you were with him, you still knew that the both of you had a lot left to work through.

He still had a lot to tell you about who he was before he met you.

“Should we go get yelled at by Poe now?”

You laughed, nodding your head. “Yeah. I think we should.”

He opened his door after one more kiss to your forehead, and walked around to your side, swinging open your door and reaching for your hand. The both of you weren’t prepared for this dinner, but you didn’t really care. Not when Romeo’s hand fit perfectly in yours, his body pressing close to yours as he led you up the stairs of the building. You’d never actually been here before, but seeing how comfortable Din was with maneuvering through the halls, him being here before was in fact true.

The thought of him suffering through heartbreak here surrounded by people who actually cared about him made you feel even lighter.

He had a family that surrounded him—he just needed a good shake to make him realize that.

“This is him,” he said, stopping at a beige colored door with a gold number eight hanging on it.

You could faintly hear music coming from the inside, the echo of voices filtering through the obviously thin door. “No turning back Romeo.”

A grin pulled his lips upward. “Me? Never.”

“Yeah right.”

He leaned over nipping sharply at your ear and eliciting a yelp from you that was no doubt heard from inside. You were about halfway to shoving your fist into his shoulder when the door opened revealing Poe. Of course he had to catch you and Din in yet another slightly compromising position. Din’s lips were attached to your neck, your hand now pressing against his shoulder to steady yourself and you felt the heat creep up the back of your neck. For fucks sake you couldn’t catch a break.

“Please don’t taint my hallway,” Poe said, smirking at the sight of you trying to mask your obvious embarrassed expression.

“Shut up Dameron,” Din replied, his fingers trailing up your back.

Poe’s mouth dropped. “Listen if you’re going to be a dick I’m not even going to consider letting you back in—”

The door was pushed open even wider, revealing Elora in a stunning yellow floor length sundress. “Please. Come in. We just finished cooking.”

You ducked under Poe’s arm, leaving the two men to finish their standoff—the smell of delicious food calling your name. Placing one bottle of whiskey on the table, you took in Poe’s apartment. There was only one bedroom, a small enough kitchen, and a plant on the windowsill—the leaves slightly brown. Overall you’d say it was cozy. A home you could see Poe staying in for quite some time. 

Din came up behind you, his arms wrapping around your waist, chin dropping to your shoulder as he placed the second bottle right beside yours.

“It’s a nice place,” you said softly, seeing the living room that consisted of a black couch, a green chair, and a multicolored rug.

He hummed in agreement. “Would you like to live in a place like this?”

Just like in the car, your heart stopped at his words. “I would…one day,” you replied slowly. You weren’t stupid. You knew what he was asking of you, and that caused your insides to melt until you were sure you were a puddle on the floor.

“Hey lovebirds,” Poe called from where he sat at the table in the kitchen. “Dinner’s ready.”

You pulled away, heading towards the chair beside Finn who greeted you with a hug and a promise to talk later. You and him hadn’t really interacted much with him working nonstop at the record shop, but you wanted to get to know him just as much as Poe. Would he like to go out and get some coffee one of these days? Maybe you could invite Rey and Elora as well.

Din took the chair across from you, a small smile on his lips. You were partly grateful that he was seated with enough distance to keep your mind in order, but knowing him…he’d make sitting like this even worse for you. Here you could see his eyes. You still weren’t sure it was a good thing you could read him so clearly, because right now you knew what he was thinking of and none of it made for appropriate dinner party conversation.

“This smells delicious,” you said, eyeing the roast in the center of the table.

Elora smiled. “Thank you. It’s my dad’s recipe.”

The next few minutes were filled with a comfortable silence as each of you passed dishes around, filling up your plates and glasses with enough to satiate the hunger in your stomachs. You shifted in your seat as Din poured you a glass of whiskey, winking at you as he sucked off whatever fell onto his thumb. Fuck, he was truly trying to ruin you right here in the middle of dinner.

You refused to let him get the upper hand.

“So, how is the store going?” you asked Rey, sipping at the whiskey and avoiding Din’s gaze. Even as it burned into the side of your face.

“It’s going well. Lot’s of busy days with all the new music coming out.”

Finn turned to you, sipping on his own glass. “I managed to ask around and some music labels are willing to give us first take of most newer records coming out.”

“Really?” you asked. “That’s amazing!” Din’s foot brushed against yours, but you willed yourself to keep looking at Finn. “Do you work solely at the store or?”

“No, not anymore. I used to, but now it’s part time.”

Poe jumped in. “Don’t be humble man. Finn’s working his way up in the producer world. He’s got a real talent for it.”

“Ah well I’m trying to at least. I’m no you flyboy.” Finn said, smiling as Poe rolled his eyes.

“You never did tell me about your time as a pilot,” you said. “Were you there long?”

“There’s nothing special to tell sweetheart.” Something thumped under the table, causing Poe to wince. You turned to Din, seeing him swallow his whiskey innocently as he set his fork down, watching you with a glint in his eyes that had you shifting in your chair.

“Are you okay?” you asked, returning your attention to Poe.

You would not lose to Din. You’d won before and you could do it again.

“Yeah,” he bit out, shooting a glare Din’s way. “Just hit my knee against the table.”

That was bullshit—you didn’t miss the way Din’s lips quirked into a grin as he winked at you again. You had half a mind to drag him out into the hallway simply to ring his neck and the longer he toyed with you—sending you looks that no doubt had you dripping in your underwear—the closer you were to actually doing it. You knew what this was, why he was acting this way.

What you finally revealed in the car had opened the door even wider on the prospect of a relationship again and Din was doing his best to kick it the rest of the way down.

He was proving to you how much he wanted you.

Conversation continued around you as both you and Din held your very own silent talk. He smiled, leaning his elbows against the table and placing a piece of meat in his mouth—eyes flicking down to the cleavage your dress showed. Not one to be outdone at a game you’d mastered with him, you leaned forward yourself, reaching for the bowl of vegetables.

He swallowed so hard he started to cough.

“Are you okay?” you asked, innocently. Really you were preening under his heated gaze; his eyes narrowed at you as Poe thumped on his back.

“Yeah,” he croaked.

Grabbing the glass of water in front of him, he retained eye contact as he swallowed, your eyes glancing down to his throat. Suddenly you were reminded how much you loved the sight of it—how much you loved to mark it up with your teeth and lips. He set the glass down with enough force to shake the table slightly, his eyes burning a hole into your face with a need that you felt in the very marrow of your bones.

Fuck how would you two make it long enough to talk out your issues when neither of you could control your impulses?

In your small staring contest, you didn’t seem to notice the others had stopped talking, their attention solely on you. Poe dropping his silverware and giving you a glare snapped you out of your reverie. He coughed, downing his glass of whiskey and pouring another one—laughing to himself about something. Seeing him this way slightly scared you in all honesty. What had you and Din done wrong? You felt like you were about to be reprimanded by your parents for doing something bad at the dinner table.

This wasn’t entirely far from the truth though.

“Poe?” you asked hesitantly.

“Unbelievable.”

“Dameron,” Din said a little harshly, even you winced.

“Don’t you Dameron me you dick.” Poe downed the second glass of whiskey. “You promised me that you’d fix it, that things would change once you got her back.”

You reared back, your eyes no doubt as wide as saucers. “What is he talking about Din?”

“I’m not going to explain myself to you,” Din replied smoothly, setting his glass down as Poe continued to glare at him with enough anger that you were sure Din would be six feet under had Poe been holding a weapon.

You had half a mind to take away the knife beside his right hand.

“No?” Poe began to laugh, his expression scaring the absolute shit out of you. So much so that you started to reach for him only to have Finn stop you. “You don’t want to explain yourself when I let you stay here? When it was me and Finn and Rey and Elora who made sure you didn’t kill yourself with alcohol poisoning?” You winced, feeling your heart twist violently in your chest, but Poe was far from being done. “I can’t believe you two haven’t figured out your issues yet and that you’re still playing this cat and mouse game.”

“Poe—” you started.

“And you.” He averted his glare to you. “I know you’re scared of being with him again, but fucking hell sweetheart—” He turned to Din. “You kick me again for calling her that and I’m going to put my knife in your foot.” Once again his eyes were back on you. “You are so in love with him it’s actually sickening to see it with my own two eyes. I swear if you don’t figure out your shit, the next time I see you I’m locking you two in a room together.”

“Poe—”

“Don’t Poe me. I’ve had to endure listening to you two fuck in so many different places I have actual nightmares about it now, but you know what. I will sacrifice myself one more time and risk hearing you two get it on if it means you will stop eye fucking each other at my table while I’m trying to eat.”

With a final glare in both your directions, he resumed eating his dinner as if nothing interesting happened. As if he hadn’t just shook you and Din so hard with his words that it jarred you out of your fearful states. Were you inevitably going to end up with Din? Yes. You knew this with everything in your being. What you didn’t know was why you were stalling to get to your happily ever after.

Why were you two so hesitant to jump in like you’d done before?

It wasn’t the heartbreak, because if anything that simply made the both of you stronger. So what kept you back? You tried to wrack your brain for any type of answer and could only come up with one that sounded the most reasonable. You were both so terrified of being hurt again that you held off on actually experiencing that happiness you once had again. Maybe that’s what hurt the most. Neither of you could remember what that feeling of pure bliss in a relationship felt like.

Your apartment door shut with a resounded thud, shutting out the rest of the world until it was just you and Din standing in your kitchen. The dinner had gone smoothly enough after Poe’s reprimanding. You laughed until you couldn’t breathe, reminisced on times at the bar, and felt like you gained three new friends. Poe had calmed down after his third glass of whiskey, but his words still rang loudly in your head.

“That was some night huh,” you said, pulling your heels off and settling on the couch.

He collapsed beside you with a sigh. “I feel like I just got yelled at by a teacher.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one.” Din’s hand reached for yours, his fingers intertwining with your own. “He was right, you know,” you said softly.

“He shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“No,” you smiled. “I mean he was right about us.” Din froze, his eyes holding you in a gaze you had no intention of running from. Not this time. “I think we were so lost in our own pain and so focused on finding a way back to each other, that we never figured out a way to find our way back to ourselves.”

He lifted your hand, kissing the back of it just as he had done earlier in the day. A small sign of reassurance—a way to calm your aching heart—and it worked like a charm. You knew without a doubt in your mind, you wanted to be with Din, but you also knew…you had no idea who you were without him. The memory of you being single, being happy and free, had vanished to the very back of your mind.

“So where does that leave us?” he asked, brown eyes delving into yours.

Exhaling, you felt your heart twist. “Maybe…” Fuck you didn’t want to do this. “Maybe we should take these two weeks to try and remember who we are.”

“I’m not leaving you.” He said the words quicker than he could take a breath. Just hearing that managed to calm the racing of your heart, the worries that plagued your mind.

“I don’t want you to.”

“But…”

“But I don’t want you to forget who Din is, who you used to be before me. The bartender who I fell in love with. And I don’t want to forget who I was. I went from one relationship right into the next without ever figuring out who I had shaped up to be. I’d like to meet her.”

He nodded, leaning his forehead against yours. “I’ll do whatever you want sweetheart. I’d do anything to make this work.”

“There’s going to be some ground rules,” you said with a smile, enjoying the slight shift of annoyance on his face.

“Okay…”

“No kissing.” His lips slotted over yours, stealing the breath from your lungs. “Din,” you gasped, pulling away.

He sighed. “You really are trying to kill me.”

“Listen Romeo. You and I both know we can barely keep our hands to ourselves long enough to actually talk and I think we need to start agreeing to be friends before we jump back into a long term relationship.” You tried to maintain your composure, the seriousness in your voice bringing a smile to his face. What did you say that was funny? “And you’re smiling because…”

“You’re hot when you’re bossy.”

“Fuck you Din.” You shoved his shoulder.

“I’m listening,” he replied, pressing his nose to your cheek. “I swear. What are the other rules?”

“What happened tonight at dinner will not be happening again. No teasing okay? We have to at least try.”

“I can’t promise that.”

You huffed. “Din.”

“I’ll do it…for you.” He pressed another kiss to your hand. “Two weeks?”

Nodding, you figured the timeline matched up perfectly. Liv’s wedding would just be the time to hit reboot on your relationship. For two weeks you’d be friends again and begin to formulate a relationship that wasn’t based solely on need and sex. No, this one would be based on love—something you were looking forward to.

“Two weeks,” you responded, reaching your hand out to shake on it.

He dragged you forward by the nape of your neck instead, pressing his lips to yours and licking into your parted mouth as you gasped. He tasted like whiskey and you sighed into the kiss, digging a hand into his hair in order to keep him closer. Sure, it was going against the already set rules, but if you were going two weeks cold turkey…you needed a quick reminder of what you were working towards again. You moaned when he nipped at your lip, licking along it to soothe the ache before pulling away entirely—a flushed look on his face.

“Deal,” he breathed, standing up from the couch with one last look, leaving you there to sit on the couch.

Two weeks…of being friends with Din.

You were fucked.

[rulimaquina]

Something Is No Longer Wrong With My Stepdaughter

Word count: 4981 words.

If you like my writing BUY ME A KO-FI!

I never planned to have kids of my own. The mere topic of getting pregnant was enough to turn any conversation awkward because most people don't understand why my face twists with disgust at the idea. The idea of giving birth didn't make me feel any less disgusted. And I'd suffered enough during my years spent hopping from foster home to foster home when I was a kid and having my birth certificate altered twice so they could pass me as younger in hopes of getting me adopted off before I finally grew out of the system, to know that 'adoption' is, in many cases, just a fancier word for 'child trafficking'. So that was also not an option.

But I love kids. It was the reason why I became a teacher and studied and continue to learn as much as I can to be the best role model I can be for them. Because all kids deserve to have someone to look up to, someone to turn to when they're excited, scared, angry. Someone who will be there for them. After all, kids are what we, the adults, make of them.

Louis was a godsend. I met him during a soccer game one of my students had begged me to go to, where Louis' eleven year old niece also happened to play, and it was the closest I've ever gotten to believing in love at first sight. He was handsome, hardworking —bordering on being a workaholic— and funny. The best part, the part that made me ignore his talk about leaving on work trips that could last weeks at a times, was that he didn't mind that I had gotten my tubes tied fresh out of college, because he already had a daughter and often joked about how she was more than enough for him. The fact he'd finished the sentence with: "Either way, I wouldn't mind. That's women's choice." earned him even more points in my book. We had a relatively short period as boyfriend and girlfriend —a year—, then spent eight months engaged, two of which were spent living together, before we finally got married.

He was just perfect. The kind of perfection that makes us broken people feel like there has to be something really, deeply wrong, because such perfection just cannot exist.

His only flaw was his daughter, Katie.

Katie was a grade A bitch. Not my words. I would have never called or even thought about calling or even thinking about a preadolescent kid as a grade A bitch. At first, to me, Katie was just a shy kid- some would say too shy for a 12 year old kid. But hey, some kids are just introverted and I saw no problem with that, nor did I see any problem with her behavior. Not right away, it took a while for Katie to show her true colors, long enough that when I received warnings from Karen, Louis' sister, I believed that she must have been exaggerating because describing your own niece as a 'grade A bitch' when your brother introduces his, at the time, girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner isn't exactly normal. Also because she'd started the sentence with "I'm warning you now that you still have a chance to get out." as if a 12 year old girl's behavior could be enough to make me break up with Louis. Honestly, I thought Karen perhaps didn't like me and wanted to scare me out of dating her brother. I even joked with friends that, maybe, she was in love with her brother and didn't want competition, fully believing Katie was just a shy, introverted kid who hadn't yet opened up to the fact her dad was dating. Her name being Karen also played a role in me believing she was being overly dramatic.

But Karen was right and I was so, so wrong.

Katie was truly a grade A bitch. I tried my best to not let that description of her cloud my ability to create an opinion of my own, but there was just no better way to put it. Katie was selfish, rude, entitled and it seemed that the only thing that brought her joy was making others miserable. I should have known. The amount of times Louis had to leave work to go have meetings with the principal should have been the warning, but he never talked about the meetings and I just assumed Katie was being bullied, not that she was the bully. But her cruel behavior didn't just stay at school, she was banned from Karen's house, was never left alone with her cousin who, despite being only a year younger and both taller and heavier than her, was terrified enough of her to apparently be manipulated and terrorized into all sorts of trouble.

I somehow managed to remain oblivious of all that, until after the wedding.

Our carefully planned honeymoon was canceled because Katie faked appendicitis. I say 'faked' and not 'had an appendicitis scare like many girls going through puberty do' because she confessed to me that she'd been faking it, right after hearing me talk to the hotel we'd booked, begging them to understand our situation and be empathetic, only for them to tell me that, no, they couldn't refund us the price of the suite with a sea-view we'd paid for in advance, because the room had been kept empty and they hadn't been able to reach Louis within the 24 hours window to cancel and get a refund, curiously enough, Katie had been playing on his phone all day because hers was 'dead' and she 'needed a distraction from the pain'. It was the first time I saw her smile.

But I didn't complain, because Louis had promised that he could make that money back in no time, that he could refund me my half or we could make up for the missed honeymoon with a family vacation. Both to celebrate our union and to celebrate that, to him, Katie's appendicitis had been 'just a false alarm'.

Of course, I picked the family vacation. Even if it meant spending even more time with Katie than I had to at the hospital.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, willing to understand that having to share her father with a woman who wasn't her mother —another grade A bitch, I might add, and without shame because since I'd gotten engaged to Louis eight months ago, she had only spent time with her own daughter twice, and before that, only five times in two years— was something that took time to get used to and this must have been her way of crying out for attention. Until we made it to the vacation house.

It was a nice two stories tall house —Louis called it a cabin, but I wasn't going to call it a cabin because 'cabins in the woods' just don't look like that— in some heavily forested corner of Oregon. The kind of place with windows that cover a whole area of the wall from floor to ceiling on the second floor, and make you feel like you might get Friday the 13th-ed in there. We got there on a humid summer day, a Friday, intending to stay until two Mondays from that day.

The first day, Katie was just too exhausted from the road trip and having to unpack to start anything. Or so I thought.

The whole day had passed so easily, I ended up letting my guard down. We were sitting down for dinner later than usual, and I was putting down the plates with steak. Mine first, because my chair was the one closest to the kitchen door, then, I intended to walk behind Katie to get between her and Louis, and put both their plates down at the same time like in some fancy restaurant. I was planning to fake a french accent and everything, just to see if I could make them both laugh. But my plan was foiled by Katie planting both her hands against the edge of the table and pushing herself, chair and all, away from the table and into me.

Both glass plates crashed to the ground as I stumbled for balance, one hand gripping the back of her chair, accidentally catching her hair between my fingers and the wood, pulling enough that she shrieked.

It should have felt cathartic. But I apologized to her, profusely, right before I got down on my knees and started picking up the shards of glass and the steak. Louis joined me on the floor, smiling at me before he looked up at Katie, his expression hardening and, for once, I thought he was going to actually do something.

"Go get the mop and a bucket, young lady."

That was it. Katie huffed but obliged, and returned with both things, dropping the bucket an inch away from the floor and causing it to splash some water out. Clearly intended for me, though it mostly reached her father. I could tell she noticed because, unlike if more water had reached me, she looked regretful.

"You cooked mine wrong anyway so, no loss," she said, smiling at me.

As Katie made her way back to the kitchen, a smile of satisfaction on her face that I couldn't see but I could feel was there, Louis gave me an apologetic look. Another flaw of his, he just didn't know how to discipline his daughter despite being the adult and her being the child. But I didn't count it as a flaw back then, because I didn't know how to do so either.

Our second day there was better.

I was stuck taking care of Molly, the chocolate-colored toy poodle that Katie often, even that morning, made sure to remind me was not mine, but who I fed, played with, cleaned up after and walked. Even before this vacation. While Katie only picked her up after her grooming appointments to take selfies with and, very rarely, played fetch with when she had friends over at the apartment I'd been sharing with them for two months prior to the wedding.

"I'm tired of this fucking house." at first, I was caught off guard by the fact Katie was speaking to me. It shocked me enough to make me forget Louis had left to go to the store around forty minutes ago, and that the closest town was fifty minutes away. "I'm gonna go outside."

It took me a minute to react. I watched her walk out the back door and left Molly to her food before I moved to the kitchen window that had a great view of the backyard. I opened it.

"Stay in the backyard, you don't know the area!" I told her.

Katie showed me the middle finger over her shoulder, then disappeared past the treeline.

I deflated a little. But Molly butting my leg, demanding more food and greeting me with that cute little face of hers fixed my mood some. I played fetch with her, throwing the ball from the kitchen to the living room, watching her run after it and bring it back only to make me wrestle her for it. I wasn't really paying attention to the passage of time. I got the ball from Molly again and I threw it across the house again, Molly ran after it, but stopped right in front of the wooden back door, every hair in her little body standing on end as her ears pressed back against her head, teeth bared as she growled. Then, she ran and hid under the couch.

The door opened.

I felt my heart drop to my stomach and my world spin when I laid my eyes on Katie. Her jeans and blouse were dirty and torn, she looked like she'd rolled around in the mud and at the same time, like someone or something had tried to rip her clothes off her. But her body seemed pristine, not a scratch or bruise or even a speck of dirt on her skin, the high ponytail her long blond hair was pulled into was a bit crooked but, other than that, it looked the same as when she'd left. She stared at me, but looked as if she was staring right through me.

"I fell," Katie spoke, realizing I needed some sort of explanation, fast. But only giving me the most emotionless and short explanation.

She fell? She just fell?

I scrambled to my feet and stepped forward, not daring to touch her at first. Then, I dropped to my knees in front of her, my hands moved to feel the inside of her thighs for any wetness, any blood, as she just stared down at me with that thousand yards look in her eyes, her lips pressed into a thin line. Then, her eyes finally focused on me, moving slowly as if she was studying my face carefully.

"What happened?" I asked her, my voice more of a plea for her to tell me than a question.

"I told you," she said, just as emotionless as the first time. "I fell."

I stood up and reached for her shoulder. Without really meaning to, but needing proof that she was actually there and wasn't just an apparition while the real Katie was lying dead in some tree, having been attacked by an animal or taken advantage of by some sick bastard because I had too little of a spine to make her listen to me, I squeezed. She just stared at me. Then, as if she realized she was supposed to feel pain because she'd just told me she'd fallen, she winced.

"That hurts," there was just barely a hint of emotion in her tone. The kind of 'that hurts' that you voice when you get a drop of hot water on your hand while cooking, not the kind you voice when you've fallen in the woods hard enough to walk back home with torn clothes.

I didn't know what to do. I called Louis, I called the rangers. They both arrived at around the same time, with the park rangers car parking in our driveway just before Louis did. He must have broken some kind of record, and all speed laws known to man, considering the park rangers building was way closer than the town the store he'd driven to was located in.

The rangers came prepared. One of them had medical training while the other kept asking me questions. I insisted that something more than a fall had to have happened, and they agreed, but with no injuries, no signs that she'd been hurt other than the state of her clothes, and no word from Katie other than that she'd fallen while taking a walk through the woods and come back home right after, there wasn't really anything they could do other than go outside with Louis and check the surroundings for a little over two hours, before concluding that there was no sign of people nor any animal that could have caused that, only Katie's footprints going to and from the woods.

Afterwards, Katie had been… strange.

I blamed it on the shock of whatever had happened to her, but deep down I knew there was something else going on. Katie hadn't ever come in contact with me, aside from that first time we'd been introduced to each other and we shook hands. Any other time I tried to initiate any kind of physical attention: a gentle squeeze, a playful poke, or even as much as brushing my hand against her by accident, she moved away as if my touch burned her. If Louis wasn't looking, she'd pair her actions with a look of disgust that would indicate I'd touched her with a shit-stained stick instead of my very clean hand. Now, she became my shadow.

She sat by my side on the couch, cuddling against my side. She followed me into the kitchen and insisted on helping me cook dinner, which I had to guide her through like she had never done or before, which didn't surprise me because- well, she was spoiled and I wouldn't have put it past Louis to never teach his daughter how to cook. Since the night before's dinner had been impossible to enjoy and Louis hadn't been able to get more groceries with his quickly he'd returned in his panic of something happening to his daughter, I just decided to recycle the idea of making steak, which Katie seemed really happy with. She watched me open another package of four steaks, and put it in the microwave so that they would unstick from each other. I could have sworn I watched her mouth water when I pulled them out after five minutes and there were droplets of blood dripping from them when I got them with the fork to get them off the plastic container.

When it came time to turn them around in the oven, Katie was hovering behind me, staring over my shoulder.

"Can we eat them like that?" she asked me.

Her tone was gentle, hesitant and polite in a way that made me flinch because I fully expected this to be some sort of trap. I even looked down at her hands to make sure she wasn't folding anything that could be used to prank me or hurt me. That was the level of paranoia this child's behavior had reduced me to. But her hands were empty aside from a cloth I'd been using to clean some blood off the counter and I'd asked her to hold it for me while I checked our food. She was squeezing and twisting it almost nervously.

"You like your steak rare?" I asked her. Her eyes narrowed and her head tilted in confusion. "That's when it's juicy and red on the inside."

"Oh," she said, her tone suddenly monotonous. "Yeah, I like it like that."

I nodded, thinking to myself that, well, that was weird. But I would take this kind of weird behavior ten times over her usual angry-at-the-world behavior.

The next day, we all went to town. Even Molly came along, because Katie insisted on bringing her with us. It'd been an odd night, but slowly, Molly seemed to begin warming up to Katie again, enough to let her be the one holding the leash. I blamed the previous growling and hiding on the fact seeing Katie the way she'd returned from the woods had probably scared the soul out of Molly, or that perhaps she could smell some wild animal on Katie that made her wary of her. But that didn't matter. How could it matter when Katie walked ahead of Louis and I, trotting to make Molly run and bark, her fluffy tail wagging a mile per second.

We made it to the store and each of us went their own way, agreeing to meet back at the front to pay in fifteen minutes, while Molly stayed outside, tied to the bicycles rack.

As I made my way from hall to hall, I noticed Katie in the hall with all the hair products. She was holding a box of hair dye. It didn't surprise me, since I'd already seen her dye her hair different colors a few times. She had the hair for that, honey blond and healthy from her five products routine. What made me let out a punched-out gasp as I approached, however, was the fact that she was holding a brunette dye box, staring intensely at it and, upon realizing I was there with her, holding it up beside my hair.

"Do you think it's the same color?" she asked me.

Hesitantly, I took the box from her hand while grabbing a strand of my own hair with the other, comparing the color shown on the box with my own. Then, I looked up at Katie.

"I think mine is just a shade darker," I said, handing the box back.

Katie nodded, returned the box to its previous spot, even made sure that it was perfectly straight. Then, she looked for a darker shade and grabbed it. She looked at it, then at me, and she smiled a smile I could only describe as tense and unused.

"It's this one," she said. "Can you dye my hair when we get back?"

This time, I managed to hold back the punched-out gasp that threatened to leave me. I smiled a crooked smile, torn between shock and joy that this was actually happening, Katie wanted to spend time with me. "Of course I can!" I said, wincing at me own excitement because this felt unreal, felt like any moment now she was going to start cackling, mock me for falling for her prank. But, instead, Katie hooked her arm with mine, and walked with me around the store grabbing things, holding onto her hair dye box until it was time to pay and I had to tell her to hand it back.

I never heard so many compliments about how pretty my curls were and how shiny my hair was as I did on the ride back to the house. Katie complimented me enough to make Louis feel like he had to, too, but his "I love when you have it loose like today." didn't compare with Katie's "Your hair is soft like cotton."

It was nice. But I still sort of expected the other shoe to drop. I made sure that Katie told me she wanted me to dye her hair the same color as mine and that it'd been her idea out of nowhere to do so, twice, in front of her father once we made it to the house, before I even made my way with her to the bathroom to actually do it, because I wasn't going to risk her claiming that I'd forced her or anything of that sort once it was done and there was no turning back. Once it was done, she stared at herself in the mirror, awestruck, and made me stand beside her, her expression growing even more joyful as we stood side by side with our now identically-colored hair. I even offered to get a curler and try my hand at giving her curls that looked like mine, but Katie very politely told me she just loved the color.

That day had been so perfect, I didn't even have it in me to get mad at Louis when he got a call early in the morning the next day telling him he had to go back home because something at work had gone wrong and nobody but him could sort the problem out. I just smiled and told him we'd be waiting for him, even after he told me that he'd be gone until Thursday night.

Louis left after lunch. I just resigned myself to having Katie go back to her old self the moment his car sped away from the driveway. I even walked back to the living room with fearful, hesitant steps, only to find her sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, Molly curled up on her lap, her tail wagging lazily as Katie petted her. Katie turned her eyes from the weather broadcast to me, smiling.

"It's going to rain tonight," she told me. "We could watch a movie."

That's how we ended up cuddling- yes, cuddling on the couch, a blanket over both of us, Molly lying over the blanket on Katie's lap, and a now empty bowl of popcorn on mine. Rain poured outside, but there was no thunder, just the howling of the wind and the crashing of water against glass and the wood of the porches.

Then, there was a much heavier, louder crash on the back porch.

We both tensed. Molly whined and shifted in Katie's lap, even barked, and Molly rarely barked. Something was wrong. I moved to stand and Katie's hand seized my arm, her features twisted into a fearful expression.

"Don't go," she whined.

I rested my hand over hers. It took me a minute to pry her fingers from my arm, the feeling of her grip lingered even as I brought her hand to my lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

"Stay here," I told her.

I moved the blanket off myself and petted Molly to try and calm her, before I slowly made my way towards the door. I peeked out through the peephole just as something heavy and human slammed against the door.

Katie stood outside, soaked to the bone. Her hair was a mess, knotty and dirty like she hadn't combed or washed it in days, her arms and legs were covered in scratches and bruises, some deep enough to bleed, she had a wild look in her eyes, looking back over her shoulder towards the woods with frantic glances, never ceasing her knocking on the door, her clothes were different from what she'd worn that day when she left the house to go for a walk, it looked like some kind of leather I couldn't recognize if I didn't open the door.

I pressed my forehead to the door and closed my eyes, feeling each vibration all the way to the bone as her fists frantically banged against the outside of the wooden surface.

"Dad, are you there?!" she cried out. "Let me in. They're going to find me! Dad!"

"I told you to stay in the backyard."

A couple seconds of shocked silence passed, then. "Teresa?" she asked. The little shit sounded almost surprised I was there, when this is my house too. "Teresa, what the hell are you waiting for?! Open the fucking door!"

"You should have fucking listened to me, you disrespectful little brat!" I spoke, louder, harsher than I'd ever dared speak to her before. I was tired of being the enabler and receiving only disrespect in return. "Now you're going to learn!"

Then came the insults. Being called an envious cunt, among many other nasty words that no twelve year old should be using with anyone, but much less with her father's spouse who had up until now been trying her best. It made it easier to turn my back to the door, eyes still shut as I took a deep breath, reminding myself it wouldn't be right to tell a child that this 'envious cunt' made her daddy's toes curl at night.

I looked towards the living room and there was Katie on the couch, where I'd left her. Her body remained facing towards the paused television, but her head was tilted as far as she could to the side, staring directly at me through the corner of her eye. Her face seemed to have paled, shoulders tense and eye wide like she'd been caught looking through my closet, but also like an animal ready to attack. Like a cornered rat, the thought popped in my head and, honestly, it was fitting. This was the most genuine emotion I'd seen on her face since she'd walked in with her clothes torn and dirty, but otherwise unscathed.

The microwave went off. The popcorn was ready.

I walked towards the kitchen slowly, holding my hands behind my back to let the Katie on the couch see them at all times. I poured all the popcorn into two bowls and added butter and salt to mine, ketchup and sugar to Katie's. The hairs at the back of my neck stood on end and, resisting the urge to look over my shoulder, I glanced towards the microwave door and saw the reflection of Katie peeking into the kitchen, staring right at me with that same 'busted child and cornered rat hybrid' look on her face. When I turned to face that direction, losing sight of her for perhaps half a second, she wasn't there. I walked back into the living room with one bowl in each hand, ignoring the banging on the door and the voice that had changed her strategy from insults to desperate pleas, and found Katie on the couch again, in the exact same position as when I'd left her.

"Remind me to add ketchup to the list of things I need your dad to buy on his way back," I hummed as I sat back by her side, resting the bowls on my lap, hers in front of mine, closer to my knees. "We don't want to run out or we'll have to find you a different snack for movie nights."

I grabbed the remote, swung one arm over the back of the couch and watched her flinch at my closeness. I didn't touch her, choosing to instead give her time to initiate contact on her own. After all, some kids are fidgety when they feel like they might be in trouble, especially kids like my Katie, always trying so hard to be the perfect child and make me happy, but not socially aware enough to tell that my previous upset had been directed at the rude little shit at the door, not at her.

It took a minute, but she finally returned to her previous position leaning against my side, and I wrapped my arm around her, tracing gentle shapes against the smooth, hairless flesh of her arm. There was hair growing there, I could feel it now.

The screams got loud and more desperate before they finally stopped and I was able to unpause the movie.

"I love you, mama," Katie said from where her head rested against my chest, one of her hands pressed flat over my belly, fingers sprawled out as if she wanted to feel as much of me as possible, as if she loved me so much she couldn't get enough of me.

"I love you too sweetie."

[sweetreunions]

hey y'all, i'm april ( s/h, 21+ ) and this is kang jinah! she's technically a muse i've had for awhile but i've tweaked things here and there so bear with me as i figure her out fully once again 🥹 you already know the drill: background (tw: mentions of child abandonment + bullying) and plot bunnies under the cut, drop a like for plotting and i'll hit you up 🫶🏻

BACKGROUND

born in daegu to a young college couple that could barely afford to make ends meet for themselves, let alone their newborn child. she was left on the steps of the local fire department at the age of three and brought to a children's home not long after

she was six years old when a sweet couple from the busy bustling city of seoul adopted her, the wife having chanced upon the children's home and jinah during a work trip as a traveling nurse. little young jinah would become the light of their lives despite not being biologically theirs

jinah's childhood was spent adjusting to the bright and loud city when she had only known the quaintness of the countryside, but it didn't take her long to adapt and by the time she moved on to middle school, she was living life like a seoul local

if living like a local meant enduring the hazing and bullying of fellow classmates for being given up at birth. how they came to know such a fact, jinah would never know but that didn't faze her nor did it hinder her in any way because if there's anything that kang jinah is, it's resilient

that resiliency got her through public schooling and before she knew it, she was entering university where she could be anyone that she wanted to be. not that she particularly kept her adoptee status a secret, but it's not exactly something you spill on a first date over coffee, y'know?

it's also during university that she started to fiddle with the idea of finding her birth parents, figure out her true roots and what not. she was careful in letting her parents know of her thoughts and luckily for her, they were fully supportive of the idea as long as jinah finished university first. so that she did; with a bachelors in computer science from hanyang and a mountain of debt to show for it

and so she's back in daegu now, 20 years later to search for her birth parents after the immense amount of money spent on a private investigator alerted her that [redacted] and [redacted] on her file still resided there

for her personality she's very much sticking to the phrase "it is what it is", meaning she's likely to be one of the chillest people you've ever met. it's not that she doesn't care, because it's likely that she does, it's just that she chooses not to stress herself over things completely out of her control. she's sweet and almost always with a smile on her face. a nice girl that would help the elderly cross the street if she saw them struggle or wander around to help a lost child find their parents, you get the vibe we're going for here

PLOTS:

she's a relatively fresh face around the mall and clearly in need of a friend; that's where you come in! ever since you noticed her taking a break on her own you've made it your personal goal to check in with jinah whenever possible

for whatever reason, you find yourself digging through the racks and racks of items at isanghan thrift and she's got her eye on you for potential theft with the way you're ransacking through the shelves but really, you're looking for this (1) thing you lost and security says rumour has it it's landed here

something like this post where she notices you having a crappy day and when she inevitably asks what's wrong you say "nothing" except she's calling bullshit. she may be new to sunset but she isn't dumb, so spill

she's been dying to try out glogolf but she doesn't want to go on her own because "that's just sad" so she basically begs you to go with her and honestly...how can you say no to her 🥺

someone who she's known from seoul!! it can either be a friendship they had or perhaps they didn't get along so well back then, the possibilities are truly endless here

a new (?) city means a new dating pool and miss girl won't pass up the opportunity. that is until she finds out you also work at sunset and then it's jinah goes ghost!

miss compsci major is also a gaming nerd and she makes it pretty obvious with her spending breaks glued to her phone a lot of the time– oh what's that? you're a gamer too? oh she could just fall in love rn in this club

i'll add more as time passes (or perhaps make a legit plots page lmao) but this is all i've got atm. as always, if nothing works here i'm all for brainstorming so let's get itttttt 🌚

[whentranslatorscry]

Hitagi Honeymoon

021

Though I was prepared for it, the words spoken were harsher than I had anticipated, and there was no doubt it had added fuel to the confusion, if not made the situation worse.

Possibly because I was deep in thought in front of the Sleeping Cat, I found myself more deeply engrossed than usual. From a distance, one might think I was genuinely moved by Hidari Jingorou’s sculpture, but from the perspective of someone who had read the guidebook, I could just as easily be the object of ridicule, not even knowing whether the sculpture was crafted by Hidari Jingorou, let alone if he really existed. It made me feel embarrassment deep within.

The truth is, whoever created it, whatever master sculptor with the seeming ability to bring the work to life— whether or not they actually existed— is somewhat beside the point. What's important is that, in the context of a work attracting literally droves of people like a bustling marketplace, one should understand that it's imbued with commensurate emotions.

Though I'd like to say the same of the Killing Stone as well, its lack of touristy development only adds to its eerie charm— it was anything but ordinary.

In any case, my impulsive musings on this allowed me, for once, to think deeply and grow from the experience; enlightened and made aware of a new perspective. Real or not, I owe my gratitude to Hidari Jingorou.

For sure.

Though I'm older now and not so quick to wholly agree and comply with everything the braided, glasses-wearing class president advises, I must also weigh the ethics of giving up on adopting a little girl vampire.

I’m not as quick as a fox in choosing ethical considerations over modern society.

Instead of giving up, let's rethink the approach.

Once more, from the beginning.

How about we make up for what we couldn't do during spring break—instead of thinking about ways for everyone to be unhappy, let's consider how we could bring happiness to all.

Otherwise, there's no point in growing older.

I managed to turn twenty-four, looping my third year of high school, graduating, entering college, getting a job, moving to the US, and getting married. All of this was done so that I could accomplish things that were impossible when I was seventeen or eighteen.

It's about seizing the moment and doing what can only be done now.

There are dates that only an updated version of myself can be up to.

"So, Shinobu, I'm sorry, but I'll need you to bear with me a little longer. We need to come face-to-face. I’m not finished talking with you yet."

Not fully sharing my perceptions with Shinobu, we had already started on the roadmap for our honeymoon and our family life. That was, to begin with, the root of the problem. We became so inseparable before we even united our names that, in a way, I had treated her carelessly... If I wanted to adopt my slave as my daughter, I should have loved her like one first.

Just as every donut hole is part of the donut, so too is a large wound.

At some point, it had become a part of me.

No matter how fresh or painful the wound, it eventually becomes an old scar, and there's no point in regretting it.

"Or maybe treating you as family was already too casual, but if we keep considering and exploring our options, there might just be a way for you to become Araragi Shinobu while keeping your wish intact. If you want, we could even ask the marriage deity over there…"

Hmm... No response.

She should hear me calling out to her, even while asleep.

I was trying to say good things, but in the end, were they only ever the same off-target remarks I always seem to make?

Was I exasperating her?

"Shinobu... hey, Shinobu?"

I felt ignored— or more precisely, as if Shinobu’s presence in my shadow had become completely invisible. Amid the pouring rain, I crouched down and touched the ground, bewildered.

"……."

I couldn’t sense her.

I could still feel the authority of Tokugawa Ieyasu… that he gave the command to build Nikko Toshogu Shrine is a historical fact, I think. In an uncertain world where I don't know what to believe, still, one thing is certain: since who knows when, the blonde vampire who was supposed to reside in my shadow has been conspicuously absent. I couldn’t wait for her to reply anymore.

Could it be that while I was concentrating on my inner conversation with Hanekawa— while my eyes were closed at the sleeping cat— she had snuck away under my nose? It would have been an easy escape.

But where to? And why?

"No way—"

I had no clue where she might be. As I stood up and looked around, if she were to blend into the crowd with her small physique, there's no way I'd be able to find her. But, as for why she would do it, I can think of one possibility. 

This had happened once before.

In my third year of high school, on the day before the culture festival.

"—Maybe Shinobu-chan went on a journey to find herself?"

Not again.

Prev Chapter | Next Chapter

[war-on-mars]

40 questions: 11, 38, 21

#11: Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

I wanna say both. It's something that started as a hobby but evolved into a passion. When I started writing seriously, it was for a class I took on a whim in high school. I figured I would get an easy A for indulging in a hobby I enjoyed. It quickly spiraled into something much bigger than that and now it's my college major?? Writing became something I want to do for the rest of my life. It's my passion in the sense that I want to finish my novel and finally get to editing my poetry book, but my favorite hobby is still writing fanfiction!

#38: Talk about a review that made your day.

"Every word is deserved. Your talents are simply beyond comprehension. I'm so thrilled every time I read one of your stories, whether for the first time or the tenth (and yes I have indeed read some of your stuff ten times)."

I shit you not, this comment from Shisumo blew my mind. It didn't just make my day, it made my year. I've always had a hard time liking the things I create, so to hear that someone has read something of mine ten times was shocking. Whenever I'm questioning my talents I tend to go read this comment. It's ridiculously motivating.

#21: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

The way I revise my stuff has changed a ton since I started posting fics. I used to look over the fic once or twice after I finished writing and then post it, but I've become a lot more patient with it lately. After I finish writing, I'll usually take a break from looking at the fic for at least a day, then I'll go back to it with fresh eyes and see if there's anything I want to change. I repeat that process at least twice and if I'm still not sure about it I'll ask someone to beta for me!

[babyxbunnyx]

New beginnings

Request: EthanxM!reader, angst, Rivals/Hate and One Sided Love

Character: Ethan

Relationship: past DevixM!reader, one sided Ethan x M!reader

Reader: Male

Warnings: slight homophobia

A/N: This Request has been sitting way too long in my drafts, unfinished. It probably doesn't make sense as it was written and finished during a writers block that I'm still in and once the block is over I will go back over it but for now, this is it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I know you don't feel the same for me but at least you deserve to know that someone was once madly in love with you."

Y/N was known as a good kid, always having straight A's, never missing a second of school, and most importantly, never causing trouble.

Ethan was the opposite. He was known for being a trouble maker, barely passing his classes and often ditching school.

Y/N and Ethan were the complete opposite. Everyone knew that and simply because they had nothing in common, nobody understood the hate they seemed to have for each other. 

The day began as any other for the (h/c)'d. He woke up at 5:30, took a quick shower, put on the clothes he prepared the day before and blow dried his hair. He gave up on properly styling them long ago, they wouldn't do what he wanted anyways. After a quick breakfast he brushed his teeth, grabbed his backpack and took his carkeys.

The ride to school didn't take long, it never did considering how he lived close to the building. The closer Y/N got, the more mixxed feelings he had. He loved school, he could never deny that but there was one person who started to ruin that for him as well.

Ethan sat on the stairs leading into the building, he was laughing with his friends, someone had told a bad joke. On his lap sat Devi, Y/N's ex girlfriend. Their break-up wasn't pretty, in her rage Devi outed the (h/c)'d in front of the whole school. Of course, she apologised a little after but the damage has still been made. Everybody knew that Y/N was gay and while some didn't care, Ethan took it as a reason to be an asshole. He made little comments when the other walked by, the looks he gave Y/N were filled with disgust and hate and if it weren't Ethan specifically, he wouldn't be botherd. It was something the (h/c)'d was used to by now.

But Ethan's comments did hurt. They always made Y/N feel terrible, but he wouldn't show. He wished so badly that he wouldn't care, that it wouldn't hurt and that he wouldn't love him. But he did, and instead of accepting it and trying to move on, he turned that love into hatred. Making comments about Ethan's grades, calling him dumb in front of his friends, in front of Devi who Ethan seemed to care about.

No matter how often Y/N would call Ethan names and openly telling him how much he hated his guts, he would catch himself withing it was him instead of Devi that Ethan cared so deeply about.

They were near the end of the school year and Y/N has been accepted into his dream college. The headmaster offered the teenager to graduate early and to start at the college sooner than most others, his grades allowing it without problems, and he agreed. He had the chance to begin his new life sooner, to get away from Ethan earlier and he took it. He walked closer to the locker, the piece of paper suddenly feeling heavy in his hand. Before he could give it a second thought, he slid it inside, knowing the owner of the locker will read it by the end of the day.

With the feeling of freedom, Y/N left and never turned back around. It was a fresh start and he needed to leave the past behind.

[julemmaes]

The One Good Thing

Rowaelin Month, Day Two

A/N: again, I'm gonna fail all my exams because of this stupid app, I'm sure. Also, I miss the off campus boys so much I kinda made Fenrys one of them and I love the idea of the tog men as hockey players so yeah, enjoy;)

Word count: 2,581

Aelin would have killed for a second of silence.

She daydreamed of that almost noisy quiet that makes you feel every deepest thought hidden in your brain that exists only at 3 a.m., when every soul is resting and cars can't drive around the campus. And there are no children screaming at the top of their lungs or parties going on all night long.

That was what she had been promised, the flyers she'd been handed during the open days, when she had come to visit the college.

That was how it was supposed to be.

Aelin had tried so many times to ask her upstairs flatmate to hold his Twitch live streams strictly in the afternoons or mornings when she wouldn't be home, but when Fenrys Moonbeam had first opened the door to his place, the girl had known immediately that she wouldn't be able to change his mind even by paying him.

Especially since his live streams were followed by such a large audience that Aelin couldn't even begin to understand how he had managed to build an empire so big in just under a month. Surely it had something to do with the long blond hair, different from her own but just as beautiful, and the arms covered in tattoos so colourful they blind you. They had their own charm. Add to the pile the fact that he was the goalie on the hockey team, and he was the perfect mix for the guy to marry.

From what their common friends had told her, he was already earning enough to afford an off-campus home, but that he liked the comfort the college dorm gave.

A comfort that Aelin, after three years in those filthy rooms and shared bathrooms, had yet to find.

When yet another howl of celebration at yet another victory that everyone expected pierced through his floor and her ceiling, nearly drilling her eardrums, Aelin gritted her teeth so hard that for a moment she feared they might shatter.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to whisper, "Shut," failed miserably to keep her tone under control and shrieked the second word, "up!"

A booming laugh rang out upstairs and a millisecond later a message lit up her phone screen.

From Lys: Girl, maybe you should take a chill pill, I heard you on the live stream. Are you still studying?

She tossed the phone to the side, pulling her hair up and pinning it back with a pencil.

"Fuck off." she muttered under her breath.

Lysandra was one of the few in their group of friends who never missed a Fenrys broadcast. Whether it was at eleven at night or five in the morning, she was always one of the first to join in.

Aelin often wondered if she was just doing it because Fenrys was helping her sponsor her YouTube channel, but then she remembered that Lysandra would do the same for all her friends.

She got out of bed, taking all her books and notes in her arms, pen in her mouth and holding her phone between her pinky and ring fingers. She threw open the door to her room and found herself facing a wall of muscle, slamming into her roommate's chest.

Rowan's hands snapped forward and kept her from falling backwards and when Aelin looked up at his face, she almost lost her balance again.

His face was sleepy, only one eye open as he suppressed a yawn. The imprint of the pillowcase on his cheek just another sign that he had already been sleeping.

"Are you okay?" he asked her in a hoarse voice, stepping back and letting her through, "I heard you screaming. I was coming to check on you."

Aelin grimaced, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

He shook his head, moving a hand in mid-air, "Don't worry about it." then his gaze snapped to the ceiling as another laugh from Fenrys cut through the thin material dividing their quarters. He frowned, lowering his gaze back to her, and it was at that moment that he noticed the books in her arms.

If possible, his frown deepened even more.

He closed his eyes, gently grabbing her wrist and leaning against the wall behind him, pulling her towards him.

Aelin let herself be tugged, arranging the books so that they didn't poke at either her or him in that uncomfortable hug, but she positioned her head against his chest, letting his fingers expertly massage the nape of her neck.

"Baby." he sighed into her hair. Her toes curled.

It had only been a few weeks since they had decided to start dating, a few weeks since Rowan had confessed to having feelings for her. They had exchanged a few kisses in secret from their friends, wanting to enjoy that first phase of their very fresh relationship in privacy. They hadn't done anything too steamy yet, and Aelin had more than agreed with his decision to take it slow, but one thing Rowan hadn't held back in the slightest from the first second she'd agreed to go out with him had been the pet names he'd given her whenever they were in the safety of their dorms.

Baby was definitely her favourite.

His hands slid lower, down her back, and she looked up, resting her chin on his chest and fixing her eyes in his. His gaze softened, still clouded with sleep. "You shouldn't be studying at this hour."

Aelin grunted, smacking her forehead against his chest, "But I have a test tomorrow."

Rowan sighed again, pushing her away and taking the books from her arms. "Precisely why you should be sleeping." He walked towards the common room, speaking softly and hoping Lorcan wouldn't hear them. They both knew their roommate suspected something, but he didn't have enough worries in the world for him to actually give a shit about their possible relationship, and they also knew he would never say anything to anyone. Maybe to Elide, but neither of them would bet on it. "I left you alone tonight because you needed to rest, not stay up until morning melting your brain."

She followed him like a lost dog, dragging her feet on the ground, finally feeling that visceral fatigue get the better of her.

"I can't leave the study half done."

Rowan dropped the books on the table, turning around just in time to block her before she bumped into him again and slipped the pencil out of her mass of hair, letting it fall around her shoulders.

"You're not leaving the study half done," he told her as he rubbed her arms to keep her warm, "you've spent the last five weeks studying this stuff and I'm sure you know it like the abc. You need a break." he told her.

Aelin looked up at him from under her lashes, a little annoyed that that was true, but completely distracted by the lines his fingers were drawing on her arms. She took a deep breath through her nose, puffing out her chest and thrusting out her breasts, catching the attentive gaze of her almost-boyfriend for a nanosecond.

He smiled wearily at her, "Are you sleeping in my bed tonight?"

Aelin just nodded and took both of his hands, pulling him down onto her. Rowan squinted his eyes and placed his lips on hers in a quick, chaste kiss. She hummed in satisfaction as his hands slid under her bottom and wrapped around her thighs, pulling her up. She tied her legs around his hips and rested her head on his shoulder as Rowan made his way into their tiny flat.

He lowered her onto the bed, pulling the blankets out from under her body and laying down beside her before covering them both. Aelin moved as close to him as she could, pressing her back against his chest and her butt against his crotch, tangling their legs together.

Rowan's arm wrapped around her waist as the other slipped under her head and his hand found hers under the pillow.

The second they were settled, every bit of their bodies touching, Rowan left a soft kiss on her shoulder, pulling her even tighter against him.

She smiled weakly, in a drawling tone, "Thank you."

He hummed against her skin, "That's what I'm here for."

"Don't let me die around finals time?" she asked in a teasing tone.

Rowan chuckled softly, making her back shake, "Exactly."

Aelin tried to turn towards him, wanting to trace the pale freckles that were starting to sprout on his nose now that the days were getting longer and the sun kissed his cheek every afternoon, but his arms blocked her.

"No, it's not fair for you to be the big spoon every night. I'm fucking sick of it, I want to hold you today." he muttered, the chains of sleep already dragging him towards that blissful unconsciousness.

She huffed, stopping struggling against his grip, relaxing and feeling her muscles scream with pleasure after being tense for hours on end while she studied.

She hadn't realised she'd stayed up so long, but she was terrified of failing this last exam. If she failed it she would have to wait months before she could retake it and the idea of it was getting her down more than perhaps it should have.

She started thinking about the various questions the professors might ask her the next day, repeating the answers in her mind, closing her eyes as she thought.

"Baby," Rowan grumbled, "you're talking out loud."

She hadn't realised she was biting the cuticles around her nails until his hand came to rest on her arm, pulling her hand away from her mouth. He took a deep breath, helping her turn to face him.

When she looked up at him from under her lashes, she saw the way he was fighting sleep. And she felt terribly guilty. If she was having trouble sleeping the day before an exam, that didn't mean he had to stay awake for her too.

She was about to speak, tell him to close his eyes again and let her go into the living room so she could finish going over the last few pages and then return to his room, but he put his hand on her cheek and in a soft voice asked, "What's bothering you?"

She bit the inside of her cheek, shaking her head, "Nothing."

He tried to hold back a yawn again, but couldn't this time and Aelin's guilt grew immensely inside her. "If you tell me right now what's wrong, I could help you fix it sooner. And we could get at least three hours of sleep before we have to go to class." he pointed out in an exhausted tone.

She blinked once, twice, searching for the right words.

"It's Fen. If he'd stop playing so late every night-"

Rowan quickly cut her off, closing his eyes, almost as if he could no longer physically stay awake. "Ace, Fenrys never really bothered you. You've always managed to study and ignore it. What is it that's bothering you?"

Aelin let go of a shaky breath, "It's nothing, really. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

He only opened one eye, watching her carefully as she hid her face against his chest and wrapped her thin arms around his torso.

His hand began to slowly massage her back, "If we don't talk about this now I'll be up all night worrying."

She huffed, knowing full well how true those words were. For the love of the other, she began to ramble on about the real reason she hadn't been able to focus on the textbooks.

"I don't want to tell anyone we're together yet," she confessed under her breath.

Rowan opened both eyes then, fixing them on her and giving a small nod with his chin to keep her going.

"It's not that I don't want to tell the others," she said, referring to their closest friends, "but the second they find out, the news will become public knowledge and there are some people I really don't want to let that information get to."

He nodded, understanding perfectly who she was talking about.

"We don't have to tell anyone," he kissed her forehead, continuing to talk in that position, his lips brushing against her skin with every word he spoke, "it'll be our little secret for some time more, until we figure out how to get all the puck bunnies off our backs."

Aelin smiled, lifting her chin and kissing him.

Being the captain of the hockey team, Rowan didn't exactly go unnoticed on campus. Not many people approached him during the day, especially when Lorcan was at his side, knowing full well that they would receive nothing but a rude invitation to leave, but their friend couldn't spend his life attached to Rowan's hip, and the few times the two of them had gone out alone it had happened that a horde of fans had overwhelmed them. After those afternoons, Aelin had found herself the victim of not so nice threats from unknown numbers, as had happened to Lysandra when she had first started dating Aedion.

With Manon's help they had managed to track down the senders and Rowan had been unpleasantly surprised to discover that it was one of the girls he always partied with after the games. A girl he'd always considered a friend.

Rowan had taken all the blame, feeling responsible for those attacks on Aelin and it had taken months to convince him that he had no part in the insanity of others.

They'd started limiting the dates they went on as a pair, even when they were just friends, to prevent similar things from happening again, but Aelin felt trapped.

And she knew it was the same for Rowan.

She wished she could get a place off campus, where she could retreat with him, away from the prying eyes of the world, but it didn't seem right to bring up the topic of 'let's move in together' after not even three months of dating.

Rowan rested a hand on her cheek, moving a strand of hair behind her ear, "It'll be fine. And if anyone finds out and the threats come back, we'll do something about it."

She nodded, not entirely convinced and not at all reassured.

He knew instantly, "Aelin, whatever happens, I don't care what others think. I've waited years to finally have you. I've been on the sidelines all this time, watching you go on date after date with everyone and never with me-"

"You never asked," she mumbled in annoyance.

Rowan continued as if she hadn't spoken, "I would have preferred not to be the talk of the town all the time, but I'm not going to let public opinion take away the one good thing in my life."

She opened her mouth wide, "What about hockey?"

He shrugged, looking at her, "Hockey is just a sport."

"If Lorcan could hear you right now..." she shook her head.

"But Lorcan's not here. And you won't tell him," he made her silently promise.

They exchanged another brief kiss, before they carried on talking about all the worries she had and every word that came out of his lips acted as a sedative for her fears, killing one at a time, until she fell asleep in his arms, lulled by his soft breathing on her neck.

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[scintillasofbeomgyu]

➷ a star called you — chapter 42: “big brain era”

pairing: choi beomgyu x reader. genre(s): fluff, band txt, college au, smau (this chapter is semi). wc: 1,1k. warning(s): food pictured; not proof read, typo in twt too lazy to change. disclaimer: NO i do not support idolxidol shipping! this is just for the purposes of the story. an: i'm gonna pull a cia and dip after this so don't hate me too much 😁

[06:11 pm] — “so what did you want to talk about?” you asked after shoving your phone into your pocket with a huff. taehyun was like a doting mother, which was rather ironic considering the way he always ruthlessly blunt with no remorse. you’d eventually concluded by the time you got to high school (and after incidental and intense exposure to japanese pop culture) that taehyun was simply, just tsundere.

subin caught the light chuckles slipping from your lips and stole glimpses at you from the corners of his eyes. you seemed comfortable, or atleast that’s what he was hoping for. the look in your eyes when he had arrived to pick you up from the store was still fresh in his mind: surprise mixed with the tiniest bit of anxiousness that you attempted to conceal with a smile. it was a god-sent that his sister made him babysit, otherwise, if he had been alone, he was sure you would have run away.

his hands tightened around the steering wheel and he sighed, “we’ll talk when we get there. it’ll only be a minute.”

you kept your eyes on the passing buildings outside. the sun had just tucked itself beyond the mountains and night fall was quickly decending upon the city. the sinage of the stores lining the street were beginning to flicker on and the pavements were beginning to fill up with those coming from work, from school, and those heading out with or to friends and family.

the temperature was starting to drop, so you rolled up the window and glanced toward yina, subin’s niece, in the backseat. she was fast asleep, features relaxed peacefully, worn out from all the excitment, the sight making you smile fondly. if it weren’t for her, you couldn’t imagine what would have happened. despite reassuring your friends and taehyun that everything was okay and that you were fine, truthfully, being with subin made you feel uneasy.

the car turned, rolling down an incline and into the underground parking lot of a building. when the realization that it could only be Alice that you had arrived at, adrenline pumped through your veins and the edges of your lips tugged into a huge grin. this feeling chases away any worries and concerns plaguing your mind, to make room for but one nearing reality: you were going to see beomgyu.

the minute subin turned off the engine you would have charged for the elevator you’d been eyeing like a bird of prey, if it were not for the fact that he kept the car doors locked. you fiddled with the handle before snapping your head in his direction with a peeved pout.

his laughter echoed off the walls in the parking lot, “we still have to talk, silly.”

“o-oh, right,” you blushed, slowly reclining back to the leather of the seat and hoping it would swallow you whole.

subin prayed the overhead lights didn’t show the begrudging expression forcing it’s way into his face no matter how hard he tried to remain unstirred. did he ever make you feel this way? he didn’t know whether to believe he did or didn’t was better, either theory made him upset.

“i wanted to aplogize,” he started, gulping before he continued, “for what happened in the past. i was really immature. a-and stupid,” he frowned at the steering wheel, his breath becoming unsteady, “i didn’t deserve you— i still don’t. you opened up to me and told me things, things that take alot of courage to share, and i threw all of that back in your face. i was insecure because to me you were someone... perfect. i didn’t think i was good enough and yet i had the audacity to act like i was”

you nodded along as he spoke, the tension in your shoulders slowly easing. he went quiet for a moment, before he turned to face you fully, the leather beneath him squeaking, “i know i don’t have the right to say this, but i still love you. the parts that are the same and those that have changed. through all these years, i guess i didn’t think about it because i just thought i’d never see you again. but when i saw you again... i didn’t want to let you go.”

teeth sinking into your bottom lip, you squeezed your eyes shut and sighed, “subin...”

“i-i’m not finished,” he frowned. he hestitated, then put a hand on your shoulder, “i was a really bad boyfriend, but i didn’t break up with you because of... you. my mom—”

“i know,” you smiled, genuinely, placing a hand over his before removing it from it’s place. you still couldn’t believe you weren’t guilty, “it’s okay. i was really foolish too. you only did what you did because i wasn’t considerate enough of the way you felt.”

subin’s frown deepened and he clenched his fists. he might not have been the only one who made you this way, but the fact that he contributed at all frustrated him.

“yn, no, you—”

“let’s go before we miss him, yeah?” you patted his shoulder before stepping out of the vehicle. subin groaned internally. he felt like he hadn’t made any progress. after running his fingers through his hair a few times, and making sure he didn’t wake yina, he stepped out of the car.

he was in the middle of locking the car, when he found you frozen in your tracks. he arched a brow, walking toward you and tapping your shoulder. you didn’t even flinch. he followed your eyes to the scene infront of the glass doors to the company.

ryujin skipped out with her arm hooked into beomgyu’s and her head resting on his shoulder as they both shook with laughter. a black van pulled up that subin assumed had come to pick her up, and beomgyu pulled away from her, patting her head with a smile. in the middle of their parting conversation, ryujin reached up and brushed some of the hair from his face. subin’s eyes widened and he could feel your shoulders shake.

subin looked back to them just as ryujin got into the van, but she paused, leaning back to look him dead in the eye. she waved, mouthing, thanks for the recommendation.

beomgyu followed ryujin’s eyes and scowled finding subin standing there. he waved goodbye as she left and walked over to him with his hands in his pockets. subin panicked, looking around him, but you vanished.

“fancy seeing you here,” beomgyu squinted into his car and grinned, “new partner? ready to leave yn alone now?”

subin gave his shoulder a hard shove, “keep acting so friendly with other people and you’ll find out.”

yn and their friends run the campus radio for which yn is the host of the evening show "dear sputnik", where they share stories and hope to create a healing space for all students— even though many don't listen to it. little does yn know, their biggest fan, angel313, is choi beomgyu— the boy they've silently had a crush on for the past four years.

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