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discountdemonwarehouse · 7 months

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Domestic December 1 & 2

Okay so I'm a little behind, but I'll try to get the five blurbs up at some point today, or by tomorrow.

I’ll be doing snippets of stuff for my OC Quinn, who is Terzo’s friend from childhood/early teen years. I haven’t started posting any of the fic yet, but I have shared some of the commissioned art of her with Terzo before - she’s the pink haired one, and the one in the bad/awkward prom photo.

These snippets will be written specifically for this bit on Tumblr, not fic excerpts, so there likely won’t be identical stuff in the fic – for the most part, anyways.

We’ll see if my snippets are actually short, lol. I’M GOING TO TRY.

AO3 Link for all the days as I do them

On this post we have 1 - Cooking together, and 2 - Going to a concert together.

1 - Cooking Together

This one’s a little longer because I felt like it.

Ages → Quinn = 11/12, Terzo = 14/15 Terzo had been brought to The Ministry at a young age, taken from his mother when Nihil became aware of his existence. His memories before The Ministry were spotty, often just small flashes triggered by a smell or sound; something similar to his mother’s soap or perfume, a song she’d sing to him, or even his nonna’s cooking. He remembered laughter and stealing ingredients, or perhaps being asked to taste test food from the wooden spoon. He remembered watching his nonna and mother make pasta, listening to the radio and singing along as they worked, giving him his own little ball of dough to knead and roll out. Now as a young teen he sat in the Demuirs’ clergical apartment kitchen, listening to Quinn and her mother laughing as they started making supper, he felt a pang of longing as he remembered his mother and nonna. Quinn’s eyes landed on him as she turned, her smile faltering as she saw the sadness in his eyes. “Terzo? You okay?” He smiled brightly, forcing it. “Fine.” Her gaze narrowed. “Uh huh.” They’d only been friends for a few months, but she could already read him like a book. “This just reminds me of when I was little... Mia madre e mia nonna. They were often like you two, and sometimes I helped.” “You’re more than welcome to help, sweetie,” Sera offered. “Yeah, you can take over for me,” Quinn giggled.

He hesitated, unsure of whether or not he was truly welcome to join, but also unsure why he wouldn’t be. They were good people, this wasn’t some sort of prank or trap. Quinn waved him over, “Come on, slowpoke. The garlic won’t slice itself.” “What are you making?” he asked, approaching slowly. “Nothing too difficult, just burst cherry tomato pasta,” Sera smiled, pointing at the ingredients “Oh! Pasta con pomodorini, sì!” “You’ve made it before?” “No, but it’s a common dish. Papa Nihil… he doesn’t let us cook. Says we make too much mess. “Too much of a mess? That’s part of the fun! You’re welcome to cook here.” “I don’t know how.” “Well, then we’ll teach you. Quinn’s helped me since she was younger. Everyone should know how to cook – even Russ, Bishop Demuir, knows how to cook!” Quinn had boosted herself up onto the counter on the other side of the sink, and nodded when Terzo looked at her. “It’s true. Dad mostly cooks breakfast food though.” Terzo smiled a little. “Learning would be nice.” “Don’t think this gets you off the hook either, little miss!” Sera pointed at Quinn. “Soon I’ll have you two cooking dinner and I’ll be able to sit and relax.” “Yes, mama.” Quinn rolled her eyes, eating a cherry tomato. “Don’t eat all of those, we need them for the pasta. Get the cheese grater.”

Sera walked Terzo through prepping the ingredients and getting the water on to boil before showing him how to sauté the garlic. Next came cooking the tomatoes in the same pan, and adding the pasta to the boiling water. “I know it can seem overwhelming to have multiple things cooking at the same time, but you’ll get the hang of it,” Sera reassured him. “Quinn usually makes this by herself.” “If she can do it, then I’m sure I can.” He tried to feign confidence. “Of course you can!” Quinn grinned at him as she grated cheese. Terzo startled as one of the tomatoes popped loudly, causing Quinn to giggle. He felt his cheeks heat. “Smash them with the spoon,” Quinn told him. “Only half of them!” Sera added. “Smashing them helps make some sauce, but we don’t want it too runny.” He nodded, carefully poking the tomatoes with the wooden spoon. “Sweetie, get the strainer please,” Sera instructed Quinn. “Terzo, time to slice the basil.” Sera supervised his knife skills again as he sliced the basil, then showed him how to season the sauce. Soon everything was finished. Terzo had made the pasta under Sera’s watchful eye, and Quinn had made a salad and sliced a loaf of fresh bread. They quickly set the table and summoned Russ to join them. “Terzo made supper,” Sera said proudly as she watched him set the serving bowl on the table. “Part of supper,” Quinn corrected her mother. “Really? Looks delicious!” Russ responded with a smile. “Grazie, Your Grace.” Russ waved a hand at him. “None of that here. Call me Russ, or Mr. Demuir if you still insist on formality.” “Yes, sir – I mean, Mr. Demuir.” Russ chuckled. “You’ll get it soon enough. Buon appetito!” Terzo smiled to himself a little as he filled his plate and began to eat, a sense of belonging starting to fill him. None of them ever expected how that night would cause cooking to become one of his comfort activities.

2 - Going to a concert together

Ages → Quinn 17/18, Terzo 20/21

Quinn stood on tiptoe trying to see over the taller metalheads in front of them. “Are these the best tickets The Ministry was offered?” she asked Terzo. “Apparently.” She huffed, dropping back to flat feet, arms crossed over her chest. “Stop pouting, tesoro. You’re here – even after your parents said no – and you didn’t have to pay money.” “I’m an adult, they had no right to say no!” “And yet here you are, sneaking out to go to a concert with me,” he smirked at her before drinking his beer. “Can I try some?” “You won’t like it.” “You won’t like it,” she mimicked back in a stupid voice. “I’ve had beer before. You’ve literally seen me drink it at the bonfires.” “Then you don’t need to try it. And you shouldn’t have been at the bonfires either.” “What the fuck, salsicciotto (little sausage)?! Are you my parents now?” “If anything happens to you, I am the one who will get in trouble.” Her eyes narrowed at him, lips pursed, and a moment later she snatched the beer out of his hands. “Quinn!” She took a swig. “Nope, still don’t like beer.” “Then why do you insist on drinking it?” Terzo asked in exasperation. “Nobody ever has anything else! And you didn’t get me anything to drink.” Terzo sighed and looked at Omega, the ghoul holding up his hands helplessly. “Fine, I’ll go get you something.” “Great! We’ll be at the barrier!”

Terzo froze in his tracks, wheeling around to face her again. “Eh, scusa? You stay here, tesoro. Omega and Celeste will keep you safe. Or keep others safe from you.” “Oh come on! We have the ghouls, why not use them to get to the barrier?” “No,” he said firmly. He looked at Omega, knowing the ghoul’s fondness for Quinn and reiterating, “No.” “Please?” Quinn begged, giving him her best puppy dog eyes. “I’ll stop whining if we go to the barrier.” Terzo sighed. He wasn’t going to win this battle, but he could negotiate. He could try to negotiate. “We can go to the barrier after I get you a Coke. We will go together, or not at all. Sì?” “Fine. I forgot you wouldn’t be able to fight your way through the crowd,” she smirked at him. “Just for that I’m not getting you a coke.” “Fine! Whatever.” She turned to start heading through the crowd. “I’ll just flirt with someone else to get one once we get to the barrier.” “I don’t fucking think so!” he exclaimed with a glare. “That’s asking for problems I don’t want to deal with!” The four of them made their way through the crowd, Omega using his quintessence to easily coerce people to step aside and make room without realizing they were doing anything. They reached the barrier, Celeste and Omega immediately falling behind their humans as if to guard them. Terzo had to admit, Quinn had him wrapped around her little finger, along with his ghoul, and she wasn’t afraid to use it to get her way. He also didn’t appear to be the only one affected, both the opening band and the main act made a point of flirting with her from the stage, and giving her picks or other items. “Why do you get all the attention, hm?” he asked half-teasingly. “It helps if you stare at them adoringly,” she laughed. “Even if it’s a lie. You should know all about flirting, you’re already on your way to being a womanizing playboy.” Terzo reached over and messed up her hair. “The encore is over, let’s get back to The Ministry.”

#the band ghost #fanfic #papa emeritus iii #papa terzo #ghost terzo #terzo #terzo emeritus #ghost fanfiction #ghost fic #Domestic December 2023 #female oc

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alien-ally · 2 years

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Koisenu Futari

Finished watching koisenu futari. The moment I saw it on tumblr I knew I had to watch it and to no one's surprise it has been life-changing. Representation wise and story wise it just kept getting better all the way. I had a smile on my face throughout, while different emotions flickered in my eyes.

Within 4 hours, they tackled so many of the jabs aro/ace and loveless people get, it got sort of overwhelming. And the fact that they did it without being insensitive towards any of the downplayed identities. Without using the ‘we can still feel xxx love' or 'we can still form xxx relationships’ to validate aspecs. Cause no matter where you lie on the ace/aro/apl spectrums, you shouldn't have to be redeemed. The variety of interpersonal relationships portrayed was just chef’s kiss. The entire scene of Sakuko in the aspec club. How one pair of people only called each other when they needed help and still referred to each other as family. Seeing that made me incredibly happy, as an aplatonic that desires some form of a comradeship. Reminded me once again that it’s okay to work out something out of the norm, as long as it’s comfortable for me and those involved.

Personally, as someone with zero allies in real life, I've depended solely on myself for reassurance. So it gets exhausting. Terribly so. Figuring out that you greatly differ from the majority at a young age and battling the perpetual estrangement that follows. Realizing that apart from my family and a few friends no one might ever get to see certain sides of me. Only to get heart broken by my parents who may never truly understand me. For all the times I felt hopeless, every night I spend scrolling through tumblr and aven forums unable to fall asleep. All the instances I thought of coming out to my brother and parents, except dint because I was waiting to reach an age at which my words would hold more credibility. Dealing with the incessant triggers strewn around carelessly. For every single time I felt compelled to justify my experiences and orientations, my right to know myself, when my touch-aversion and lovelessness felt like a disability. The sheer horror and befuddlement that crept up to me while watching the news, finding out about the monstrosities that happened to young girls , children and women. None of it comes from trauma, but without me knowing, at some point, being this way became my trauma. All of it has been portrayed awesomely by this show. It reminded me that although it may seem that way for now, I'm not alone and will eventually find more people like me.

I enjoyed all the characters in the story cause despite their initial bad responses towards their beliefs getting challenged, they were willing to learn. Willing to accept even if they dint necessarily understand. Some even eager to learn more (spoiler: Kazu). But most importantly watching this made of realize just how many tropes could come up if we experimented with aroace characters. We only get crumbs of representation but just IMAGINE the countless plotlines and relationship dynamics we could come up with for aspec characters!!! Including the fake dating trope, lovers to realizing you're aspec to becoming allies trope and so much more. There is so much waiting to be explored. I'm tired of watching people marvelling about love. Now can we please explore lovelessness? I tell you IT'S JUST AS EXTENSIVE as the mighty love itself.

This is probably my hundredth time editing this post. I just can’t finish expressing what I feel about this. Each time feels as though I’m missing out on something. The ending was the most best and perfect ending to ever exist. In the end, home is just somewhere you can return to, someone you can split chores with, someone that motivates you to try out intense recipes (cause when you get to share the food you make is when you reach true content of a successful recipe), someone to help you with your vegetable garden and house maintenance. Someone you can go shopping with. It’s literally anything you want it to be. A family (subject to change) is what you want it to be.

The many times the words aromantic and asexual was shown on screen was simply immaculate. Each and every word uttered by Takahashi deserves a separate frame. From his dream of building a vegetable kingdom to his eccentric udon making tactics. Plus yes, his love for crabs. Can't miss out on that. Sakuko's amiability, love for long coats and Kazu's neverending absorptivity topped off by Maya's affection for pandas.

I give this show an absolute 10/10. Someone is saying we should replace 'sending love' with 'sending cabbages' among aroaces omg that sounds amazing.😭 Underrated vegetable cabbage supremacists please gather around immediately

Okay I'm finishing off, as for my last words: Yeah. People who can't fall in love exist. I'm one of them. But that's not the point. The point is

#koisenu futari #aromantic #asexual #aspec representation #jdrama #takahashi satoru #kodama sakuko #aromantic character #asexual character #aroace appreciation is stored in the cabbage #takahashi and sakuko are some of the best characters I have come to know through media #forever going to hold a special place in my heart #touch-averse #life changing experience #aa mine

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faebriel · 3 years

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ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

#ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS. LMFAO #asks #thespoonisvictory #dvd commentary #< i have successfully coerced a discord server into doing the dvd commentary on a regular basis and it is the BEST thing

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seraphanangelica · 4 years

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I Hope You Suffer

Bakugo x Fem! Reader Angst

Feat. Midoriya

I wrote this a LONG time ago, and I’m posting it on here for nostalgic reasons. It’s also on my Wattpad 😂

Warnings: Violence, language, Bakugo being a prick

I stared hatefully at the two pieces of paper that laid all alone on my otherwise empty mahogany desk. Two letters, to be precise, were from him, the one person who I absolutely hated right now. Right when we were getting serious he just had to make me look like a fool. He just had to try to weaken me.

With an enraged scream, I shot a beam of fire at the papers that tore my heart in a million pieces, making them turn to ash instantly, same for the desk. For a second, I stared at the pile of ash with a blank expression on my face, a split second of emotionless behavior.

"SHIT!!!!" I screamed, sinking to the black stained carpet that was supposed to be white. I had burned so much stuff in this room that I gave up on trying to clean the floors. I buried my face in the palms of my hands, pulling my H/L H/C hair out of frustration.

How could he do this to me? What have I done to him to deserve this? They all warned me. They said it would end like this--ugly and uncaring.

"WHY?!" I slammed my fists on the floor, leaving marks of ash in the exact shape of my fists. My breath became ragged, the source of my air leaving. It was like the world was mocking me, disgracing my actions. But it wasn't me they needed to mock. It was him.

The next day at school, I didn't talk to anyone as I walked onto campus. I just wanted to get class over with. Right now, everyone was annoying, laughing and joking, smiling at their wonderful day. Whatever, it's not like they knew what happened. I can't just expect them to automatically know and come talk to me.

I walked slower than my usual speedy pace, not caring if I was late at all. Today, Aizawa could kiss my ass, as well as all the heroes here. knowing the person I dreaded to see would start something up, chances were high that I would break a myriad of school rules just to see him fall.

"Y/N!! Wait up!" Izuku shouted, running up to me and putting a hand on my shoulder to get my attention. "You didn't return my calls last night. I was worried that something was wrong." He said with concern, but with the ever-present smile on his face.

I smiled my best fake smile and nodded once, waving my hand in a dismissive gesture as we walked, still very slowly, towards 1-A. "Yeah, sorry about that, Izuku," I looked behind my shoulder, scanning the students until I saw a very familiar head of spiky blonde hair. "I was a little preoccupied last night." I scowled, venom on my tongue.

Izuku stopped smiling. After a second, he stopped walking. "I know you, Y/N, more than you think. That smile isn't real." He put his hands in his pockets and looked up at me worriedly. I just shrugged and continued walking, not waiting for Izuku, knowing he'd catch up to ask more questions.

Looking behind to where I was previously, his frown turned to slight anger. "Did something happen with you and Kacchan?" He glanced me look of pity, making me scoff.

"And if something did? Please don't pity me, I don't need it or want it. And don't do anything rash." I added the last part just as Izuku clenched his fists in attempt to not say anything. When he didn't respond, I knew he was most likely thinking of what he'd do if Katsuki hurt me again.

It was silent as we entered the classroom, sadly separating to go to our seats. I took my seat next to Todoroki, who as I was worried about, because he notices everything. Won't be long until he notices I'm not talking to Katsuki like I always do.

Sighing inwardly, I folded my arms on the desk and used them as a pillow as I hid my face, praying when Katsuki entered the room he wouldn't say anything. Did I just think Katsuki and not saying anything in the same sentence?

I could practically sense Todoroki looking at me curiously due to my odd behavior, but it's not like I cared. To be honest, who really does? I heard Todoroki sigh quietly, probably giving up trying to figure out what my problem was. I just wanted silence. Like everything I did, it was a wasted endeavor.

"DEKU YOU BASTARD!!"

My head snapped up and I saw Katsuki yelling at Izuku as always. Wonder what Izuku didn't do this time. I didn't pay much mind to it nowadays since Izuku got his quirk, explaining it was late manifestation. But considering the circumstances from last night, things have changed.

Before Izuku could even open his mouth to respond, I stepped in, laughing my ass off. Of course the laugh was fake, but it was more convincing than my smile.

"THE FUCK YOU LAUGHING AT, L/N?" Katsuki shouted, his attention turned away from my best friend. I put my finger up for him to give a second as I was seriously struggling to get air, standing up so I could breathe easier. Katsuki looked shocked that someone told him to wait so they could respond - they would just cower.

"You just...need to.... One second." There were a few laughs from the other students as I continued taking deep breaths, once again putting my finger up, telling him to wait even longer. I quickly regained my posture and spoke with a smirk, "You just need to change what you say more often. 'Deku you bastard' is way too overused."

Katsuki returned my smirk, his darker and more cruel. "You know what else is overused? You calling me by my first name. It's Bakugo to you now." Silence consumed the classroom, a couple people gasped. By this time, the whole of 1-A knew we had broken up.

I clenched my fists and walked up to Bakugo so we were but a foot apart. "WHAT DID I DO, HUH?! YOU JUST DROP ME LIKE I'M NOTHING? THROW ME AWAY LIKE A FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH?!"

He rolled his eyes and scowled, something deadly that I might not survive. Well, there's nothing to live for now. "You're just an obstacle in my way, an extra. You are nothing," He pushed me lightly, making me stumble back. "You are just a piece of trash, something, as you said is so easily thrown away." By now he had me against the wall, his arm pinning me to it.

I tried to look calm and menacing, but my eyes gave me away, I already knew it. So, as I hated him, I tried to hit him where it hurts. More specifically, his pride. "An extra? Oh, please. You do know you're the only one here who doesn't think of yourself as one too? There are people more talented and powerful here than you, and they don't think of me as an extra."

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT AN EXTRA! THE ONLY REASON THEY DON'T CONSIDER YOU AS AN ONE IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU EXIST AND THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT A PATHETIC THING LIKE YOU!" Bakugo grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled off the wall just to slam me back against it, the impact making me shudder.

What happened next was like slow motion to me. My E/C eyes saw Iida shouting at Bakugo to sit down, just as Bakugo raised his fist that was surround by explosions at me. With shouts of rage, Izuku and Todoroki grabbed him and tried pulling him away from me. It deemed useless when Bakugo broke free of their hold, and turning back to me. Just as I was about to be exploded into bits, a familiar white/grey scarf captured Bakugo, and drug him away from the area.

I was frozen in place, my shock taking hold of my mind. I was numb to the world and frankly, I liked it. Two things he had said to me hung in my mind like poison. He had called me a thing. Is that really how he sees me? That, though, was nothing compared to what he screamed as he was dragged back to his seat by Aizawa. 'I hate you, Y/N L/N'.

Not caring who was watching, I sunk to my knees and finally cried, letting my tears fall in ugly and loud sobs, completely missing the quick flash of regret in Bakugo's face. He reminded himself that he needed to do what he did so he could become the best. Before I could see the true feelings of Katsuki Bakugo, he went back to the profile of a heartless, broken beast.

"I-I just can't believe Kacchan would do that to you." Izuku stuttered as we walked out of UA and headed to the nearest diner. I hadn't eaten lunch since Bakugo would be there, so Izuku insisted that he'd take me to get something to eat. Truly, I didn't mind as long as he pays; free food is free food.

"It's alright, really. He had a problem, and he got rid of it. Simple enough." I put my hands in my jacket pockets and slouched, a complete giveaway towards my emotions. I can't keep anything away from those who know everything about me.

Izuku surprisingly didn't even look at me as I said what I thought. Honestly, I've been telling myself I was just a problem and something in the way ever since I started attending UA. As much as Izuku and everyone else tries to tell me, I deny every time they do, I don't believe it when they say I'm worth it. Bakugo just confirmed my thoughts.

"You just called yourself a problem," Izuku shook his head. "But you're not. Why do you put yourself down like this?" By now, my green haired friend was fully convinced I was at some level depressed from the situation.

I shrugged as we approached the restaurant, reaching the door first and holding it open for Izuku. "It's the truth, I am well aware it hurts." I said simply, sitting at a random table by the window so I could at least breath a bit. Bored very quickly, I picked up the menu and scanned my eyes over the list of food.

Izuku sat across from me and frowned at the table, a truly sad and broken expression present on his face. I wanted to question what it was for, but decided against it quickly when he looked up, our eyes meeting, green to E/C. He sighed and shook his head again as if he were wanting to tell me something and was restraining himself before he could.

The waitress arrived then, and we ordered our drinks and food, avoiding eye contact with everything and everyone. She nodded and then left, scribbling the last things on her notepad. When she was out of sight, we continued the conversation.

"What happened yesterday? You and Kacchan seemed fine at school, and now you can't even speak his name." He said after a long couple seconds' silence. I stayed silent, looking at the dark brown table with sudden interest in the illusion of texture. "Tell me, Y/N." He pressed. One day, his caring too much will have big consequences for him- good and bad.

"Nothing really important. I was just walking home yesterday from what seemed like a good day with Katsuki- I mean Bakugo. Then a few hours later, my mother came in and handed me two envelopes written out to me." I paused, not sure I wanted to go on, but Izuku's interest made me continue. Blame him for all my good doings. "I Was excited, as anyone would be if they see something addressed to them on paper rather than text. Both letters were from Katsuki, the first one saying how much he loved me and that it was genuine, only for the second one to say that that's the exact reason he had to let me go. I was in the way of him becoming the best hero the world could get. I threw them on my desk and disintegrated the papers and my desk."

Izuku portrayed something so despondent, it was hard to believe that it was him. "That's something you can expect from Kacchan... but that doesn't mean he has a right to do that to you."

The waitress came with out food and we thanked her, carrying on the moment she left. I hope she didn't think we were being secretive and I hate more than anything someone being suspicious of me. Then again, it wasn't her job to ask questions-it was her job to bring the food.

"Besides," He started, taking a bite of chicken. "He could be regretting it this very moment." His smile was so convincing, but I didn't believe it for a second.

"What was it you just said? The betrayal sounds like Bakugo, but regret doesn't even come close to him. You have more luck breaking the fourth wall then getting a smidgen of regret from Katsuki." I scoffed, picking at my food with sudden slight disgust. Izuku is going to pay for it, so might as well try to eat something.

Izuku nodded in understanding, then shook his head. "Kacchan has regrets. I've seen him regret many things before, and I'm sure he regrets this." The way he tried to lighten the mood, the amount of effort not to be angry at Bakugo, the self restraint he put upon himself was phenomenal. I would've expected at least one tear to fall by now, or at least some form of his anger to reveal itself. I knew Izuku was mad at Bakugo, but it wasn't his problem. What his problem was was making every single one his. It'll get him killed one day, I guarantee it.

I sighed and glanced out the window, eyeing the vibrant green grass field that was known as the park just a street across. When I was younger, that meadow of sorts used to be my haven, my way to contemplate life's complications, to release my anger if need be. But I couldn't do that anymore. When I did, the meadow was sealed off, giving me the advantage to incinerate anything and everything I wanted to. I'm pretty sure there was still the remains of an oak tree from a few years ago just sitting there, waiting to disappear like an apparition. Sooner or later, the stress from the life of UA would lead back there once again.

"Possibly," I said softly, breaking out of my thoughts. "But we will see. I won't wait around for him to beg for forgiveness. If he can move on so damn quickly, so can I, and I will not let him get under my skin just to rip me apart. Again. I hope he suffers."

Izuku went pale, a glimpse of fear in his eyes. I, being one of the most powerful in class 1-A, have been proven to be very intimidating when angry, so no one really tries to get me even the slightest annoyed. All but Bakugo of course.

"Y-you don't actually mean that, d-do you?" He stuttered, his already big eyes wide with worry for who he thinks is his friend. One day, he'll realize Katsuki Bakugo had stopped being his friend years ago.

I just smiled, still looking out the window marveling at the beauty of what was about to be a pile of ash. I always smile when I'm angry, it's a huge giveaway if anyone's ever saw one.

"Oh, I mean it. He thinks he can just throw me away? I'll just keep coming back, and back, and back until he gets a solid message. He will suffer." With a wicked smirk, I waited for the right time I could tell Bakugo I was going to be his demise.

Tonight, all that we cherished together will go go down to ash.

Yeah... welp, there’s always room for improvement!

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wrongwiredmind · 4 years

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Before I start saying anything I'd like to warn that the content of this post is both gore and contains suicidal thoughts, if any of that triggers you, please do not read, I care about whoever is reading but I can't hold any responsibility for anything that might follow, stay safe, and remember that no matter what, what comes next in your life will be better, one way or another.

This post is rather long, but that's kinda the point of this page, here we go, then.

So, I had almost my weirdest dream to date, right now, and then I thought, to heck with it!! Let's share something!

So first of all, I need to set some points straight before writing so it might explain a few things, hopefully, without giving a lot away about my personality:

(I have no idea how to put them on order, so they're pretty much a mumbo jumbo. Ah~ My favourite type of writing~. Kidding, of course, I actually prefer reading well written stories and articles)

Anyhow:. 1- I have a really deep unexplainable fear of the vast beast called an ocean (or a sea, or really anytype of deep water), I still go to the beach and pools and whatever, but there's always some sort of an icy grip tightening around my non-existent heart.

2- I love IronMan! So so much, and I kinda adopted Tony Stark!! (no one tell him, please!).

3- my adoration of a certain supernatural series made me love batman! (well, not entirely true, I always loved him, but kinda from afar, you get me?)

4- want me to get hooked on something? Give me a fanfic of it!! (of course like a series or a book, not a substance, you bad bad people!!), that's how I loved Bilbo!! (imagine me saying it in my adorable voice, the one I use when I try to sound cute 😉)

5- I binge read a certain fanfic about those two amazing superheroes saving the world, and themselves!! (I refuse to give up the name since if you think this is me oversharing? You've got another thing coming, honey!) that had a cruise and another prototype of the IronMan suit (don't ask which mark it is but it's so fast it broke the sound barrier!!)

6- I'm a little bit under the weather, (not corona, folks!) and my throat is kinda itchy, to the point that I lost all my vocal prowess for a little more than 24 hours a few days ago, still kinda annoying, and my stomach rebelled so much yesterday (before and during sleeping) that I thought she should take the rebellion symbol from Mr. Che Jivara!! (with all due respect to him, I'm only joking, so please no one takes it seriously).

7- I'm a little bit of a spacetoon (and all that's good and beautiful in our childhood) encyclopedia, want a name of a cartoon or a song you can't remember? I'm usually your best bet, after the second mother, google, of course!!

8- this week is so dead that if you want to see zombies come to our lectures any time in it, seriously we're so under a lot of exams, thank God and the doctors for postponing our tasks and assignments' due-date.

9- if I was a little more of an extrovert I might not have had to write most of these strange snippets about me in a freaking post!!!

And finally, on with the dream! (another thing you probably know by now, that I kinda take you around and under and left and right before I say what I want to say).

So, it was an assignment to some sort of subject (don't ask me which, since as far as I know, not a single thing in our curriculum will make me do what I'm about to do here, or at least, I hope so!!!), we made some type of fall-body suit that needed analysing (who am I kidding, it was the IronMan suit!!), and guess who was picked as a pilot? That's right! Yours truly!!

Anyway, good thing to bad, we had to make the prototype test in the middle of the (as I said above) the vast beast! Mr. Oceanus (I know that that is a Mr. Titan, but who am I, the lowly mortal, to deny his decision to appear in my paragraphs? And no, he didn't show up in the dream, thank God! [ours, not any of the others]),

So, I was put in the cruise, in the middle of the ocean, with the IronMan suit, and a seriously sick stomach, can you guess where we're going with this? (I'm actually kinda enjoying writing this since it reminds me of a certain mad superhero/not superhero who finally joined the XMen!, of course he joined a few years ago but I only watch the second movie circa a month ago) no? let me tell you, a bit of dizziness, seasickness, and an already rebellious stomach? Not a good combination, and remember that I really, really fear the ocean (just remembering the dream and the images in my head is traumatising, let alone living it vividly for a few hours), so, I fell, and strangely enough, I was a good swimmer (ah~ I really count my blessings here since no matter who or when someone taught me to swim, I still can't manage), I was able to stay close to the ship, but couldn't really pull myself up, so all I could do was keep a good hold on a rope tied around the ship and keep my legs in a calculated, slow what feels like a walking-in-place exercise,, (I can still feel the water around me, and the gentle waves of the ocean, it was both a calming feeling and a horrible one) and then...

Something touched the soles of my feet, and it kinda hurt, and it continued to move under me till something hit my toes, it was a shark fin, that's right, a shark choose me as his next meal, how honoured I was!!! Kidding i was kinda terrified, but all that YouTube survival videos came to mind, I left the rope of the ship and kinda dipped under water (triple scare, here, yikes!) and I... pushed.. his muzzle?

Yeah, so not really what they taught you in the videos, my polite nature rears its ugly head again (politeness is not as good as it seems, people! actually once a stray dog entered our home and jumped on the couch, and I was asking nicely and politely if "Mr. Dog would pretty please leave us be", and no, I wasn't scared but mom told me not to touch it, and it kinda was a cute, if a mangy mutt)

I didn't really want to punch the shark, even if my life kinda depended on it here, for a few reasons and actually at least one of them was pretty reasonable, which is, my punch is pretty weak, guys!!

Anyway, of course since its skin kinda scratched my feet there was blood, so it didn't leave me alone, two things I concluded here, first, Mr. Shark was either a lazy guy since he was coming to me slowly as if he either was a giant cat coming for pets no matter how many times you push her, or he was playing with his food, aka, me.

The second thing I discovered was that I was really sick in real life since my imagination couldn't conjure another family member of my guest here (again with the small mercies, can you imagine being alone around all these carnivores? And I bet not all of them will be moving so leisurely!!)

So, I finally decided to be the champ of my cruise and punch the thing in the face, so I pulled up all the power I can in my fist and punched him in his snout!!!

And let me tell you, it's not as easy is they make it sound, first, his nose is actually pretty hard, not the sensitive area they led us to believe, second, my hand really hurt and his skin scratched my knuckles, and I believe it kinda broke a bone in my hand, third, and worse, it actually enraged the mister so much that it left me, J-squared again and this time, flew! in my direction and I swear I still feel his teeth sinking in the shin of my right leg, but before he tore it apart, I actually did the right thing to defend myself, I (and I apologise, Mr. Dream shark, but you really hurt both my leg and my feelings!!) poked his eyes, which made for a very awkward stretch to my body, but finally, I was left alone!! With a mangled leg, of course, but hey!! It's not real life, so let's be glad.

The saltwater stinging my feet, still sick, and more dizzy from blood loss, you have no idea how glad was I that I was still near the ship, a little bit more than a meter but still floating, and then, the bad became worse, I actually goT SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A WHALE!!!!!!!!, YUP!! THE WHALE IN THE PICTURE!!!

And then god with his mercies again, it swallowed the ship but opened his mouth for me to leave, neat, ain't it?

But let me tell you what happened in a little more details, I felt a ripple in the water beneath and around me, and the ship started to sway, and a faint sound of something between a roar and strange song-like-sound, feeling the rumble under me was what made me look, and lo and behold!! The mighty animal wanted the meal that the shark didn't get, bye bye world!! Bye bye the suit that I still didn't to get to wear! And bye bye the report I needed to write for this freaking assignment that because of it I might fail and my friends will rail me when they see me!!

The ship and I couldn't help but enter the mouth of the humongous fish, the sounds of the wood, metal, glass and whatever is the cruise was made of was deafening, so loud and cruel, and I got a more than a few bruises and abrasions, and the feel of his teeth behind my back, sharp and huge and bigger than my own size, was something I don't know how to describe, and suddenly between all the breaking and suffocating water and absolute darkness, something caught my eyes, the slits in the helmet of the suit were lit, I'm sure it was a malfunction because of all the destruction on Mark, but it took all my fear, as if sucking it from my own eyes, and as sudden as it glowed, it vanished, but the calm remained, I closed my eyes, since it didn't matter, and just stopped everything, even trying to hold my breath, but not breathing as well, as if all body functions just... Stopped.

And then my eyes flew open again, not because I woke up, but because of an almost crushing change in the water pressure, it just pushed me forward more inside the huge mouth, and when I thought that this is it, I found the whale mouth moving further away from me, taking the ship and Mark with it, and leaving me alone, in the middle of the ocean that I wanted to say "c'mon!! If you ate me it'll be a win-win situation!!!!" but the second I opened my mouth water rushed inside that I tried swimming up to breath (even though not knowing which way is up was problematic, since something similar happened in real life before I wasn't worried, but that's a story for another time), breaking the surface was a godsend, I tell you! But my misery wasn't in any way over, I was so thirsty I actually wanted to drink salt water a again (and then death, oh wow, how smart?), and once the adrenaline deserted me, my leg returned to trying to kill me, and I don't know if it was a real thing if it happened in real life but it actually stopped bleeding, which was both fantastic, since it means that I won't die of bloodloss, and horrifying since I'm not going to die because of bloodloss, at least then I would have been able to calculate an approximate time for my death, but no, I have to wait and see what kills me next, I almost wished that I just had my previous stomachache and be done with.

Anyway, moving was not really an option, and staying was not either, and the breeze was making me so cold my teeth almost broke from all the shattering they were doing, I wasn't really sure when the others might decide to check on me, and I'm not really sure if I was still in the place they left me at, and I really didn't know what to do, I was so helpless, and cold, and thirsty, in so much pain and so so tired.

I cursed the whale again for not ending my misery, and cursed the shark for being a coward and not finishing what he started and cursing the assignment for being so impossible yet important, and most of all cursing myself, though I don't know why, but my self-loathing decided that now is the time to remember how horrible I am.

As physics does, the water raised me till I was floating on my back, which made me feel even more cold but I didn't have any energy to do anything about it, and strangely, I fell into some sort of doze, not asleep yet not really awake and aware, my whole body half above half into the water, though my right, injured leg, was bend in the knee into the water, which made my pained scream when something took hold of it in its mouth the more agonizing since it made my upper body enter the water, and the thing holding my leg left it alone, and I was able to right myself and look around me for the next threat, the fear was immense that I thought I might get a heartattack, which, admittedly would be better than the pain going to be inflicted upon me any second now, looking around finally led me to what attacked me, and for a moment, with my blurry, and fear filled eyes looked like Mr. Shark has indeed returned to finish what he started, he even returned to his play-with-my-food attitude, but when my eyes finally focused they detected differences, from the lighter shade of colors, to the more smooth curves of the fin and snout, and the gentle, warm (even if it looked sleepy) strange brown tone of the mammels eyes,

The dolphin was about two meters away, and looking at me with intense, twinkling eyes (if they were blue and he wore glasses, or at least marking that looks like it, I would have thought that the dolphin was Dumbledore' animagus and I really wouldn't have hesitated this time to punch his already crocked nose.. err.. snout [which it isn't, the dolphin's snout was perfect] with my broken hand!!) and moved slowly towards me, he pushed me gently with his nose in my abdomen, swam back a few inches, then entered the water and moved towards my leg, not touching it, but he was close enough to feel with my already almost destroyed sensitive nerves, he did all of that while I'm standing/floating, stupefied, hardly even breathing, and then he left, and pushed me again with his snout on my back, this time with more pressure that my body couldn't help but move to the dolphin's right side to let him pass, with my hand just above his back, when my hand touched his prominent back fin, he pushed my hip gently, as if telling me something, and pushed his fin into my hand again, it felt like rubber, and I couldn't help but ask "you want me to hold you?" he made a strange clicking noise then kinda slapped the water with his side fin in the other side of me, and bizarrely, his actions made me feel as if he was saying "are you stupid? Why else would I offer you my magnificent dorsal?!!" I stared, flummoxed, at the creature and couldn't help but throw my head back and laugh, I'm certain that it was the tension, fear and hysteria that made me do it, but for me, the whole situation was so hilarious that it seemed like it made Mr. Dolphin look at me and think "alright, the pathetic, hurt, star-shaped blemish is, indeed, stupid and needs help from my majesty" and then, using his right fin, slapped me non-too-gently on the side of my left hip, squeaking something as well and pushed his dorsal in my left hand again, but when he noticed my wince, he actually kinda rubbed his slippery appendage on my thigh while honest-to-god cooed at me that I couldn't help but smile at him, "it's okay, big guy, and thanks; you know, you kinda remind me of flipper!" and then I petted him a couple of times (which he purred at, I think I need a cat! 🤔🤔) then grabbed his fin in a tight but non constricting grip, my right hand was swollen by now so my only hope was to keep holding using my left hand, after shaking his body a little as if to check my hold, he dove with me into the water!! I almost screamed in fright but then he broke the surface and jumped about three meters high into the air!!!

Hello, there, adrenaline, didn't see you since a few!!

He dove again into the water and this time gradually moved towards the surface, with the water flowing into my hair and pushing me from my saviour, my left leg moved on its own violation and moved around the body as if I was riding a horse,

"WOOHOO!!", I shouted once we were in the air again, it was exhilarating; cold, but thrilling, though the warm body beneath me was perfect, he took me in a straight if slightly curvy line, and when I noticed that, I also noticed that his right fin was not moving as his left, I even thought he was injured for a second, but then a sharp sting in my leg and a slight jerk from him made me understand, my injured leg was beneath his wing-like appendage, and he was being considerate, as a solution, I flattened myself on his back, kept my left leg dangling as if in the horse saddle, my right one, as gently as possible, bend on the knee above the dolphin's back, my left hand gripping the top fin with it touching my shoulder, and my broken right hand above Mr. Flipper's cousin head, and then I came into a a sudden realization!! "does that mean I'm Lopaka????" I asked Flipper the second, and he made a sound suspiciously almost like a snort, but my change of position made him move in a much more pronounced straight line; the speed decreased as I started to doze again, as if he was worried about dislodging me, though the annoying feeling of the salt crusting on my skin woke me up, no idea how much time had past, except that the sun was on either the verge of descending or rising, and finally, finally, I saw land and buildings and what not from afar, and I certainly moved to another continent all together, let alone another country, after reaching the area where I could stand comfortably on the ground beneath the water, people started to come to see what was happening, I ignored them for the sake of my silent companion, suddenly he actually stood on his tail fin, and kinda sort of awkwardly leaned on me without trying to put too much pressure, I didn't understand what was happening though it seemed sorta like a hug?

Anyway, I pat his back again, (and again with the weird purring noise), when he released me I felt buzzing in the back pocket of my jeans, I actually still have my phone!!!

Pulling it out and snorting that after everything that happened my phone was still working!! all I could say is "well, it seems like the time of a picture, Mr. Flipper, sir!" and after an awkward kneeling so I could put my injured arm around him and trying to stretch my bloody leg (both meanings are accurate here, tbh) so it wouldn't interfere with the selfie, I positioned my left hand.

And the last thing I remember is the picture of my (Lopaka the second 😂) wide mouth grin and an equally wonderful grin from Mr. Flipper the second!!!

The End.

It really was a dream I had, with all these details, the only thing that's not entirely true about this post, is saying that this is the weirdest dream I had.

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polyamoroamer · 4 years

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Webs and Nets

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of life, what I can offer the world and those around me, and what I need to grow and change. I think we all have.

The world right now is in flux. It is a scary time and scary place. We have violent men in power; rising bigotry and hatred; a global pandemic with hundreds of thousands dead; rampant transphobia and rampant racism; police brutality against those who dare to rise up for peace, for strength and for love. We live in a dystopian novel.

But the thing is that we always have, in many ways. Native Americans are still living through the apocalypse that decimated their ancestors and stole their land; African Americans are still living through the apocalypse that pillaged them from their homes and forced them into slavery thousands of leagues away. The legacy of horror continues. This is not new. But what we are seeing right now is a pinch point, an historical time where things could swing toward the better, the brighter future.

During lockdown I have been keeping away from people almost totally, as my grandmother whom I shop for and visit is 97 next week and I want her to see 100. I went to one BLM rally, the biggest protest I've ever seen in my predominantly white little conservative town. Bigger even than our ridiculously large Pride (we have a truly exemplary number of radical LGBTQ+ people for such a Tory stronghold). But I have not stepped out past that, as it was simply impossible to socially distance, and I am protecting someone.

I have been working hard on the campervan conversion, building the bathroom and starting the kitchen cabinets. I'm considering linking this blog with my real life at last, so may eventually post photos of it when it's finished. I've complained about it to you friends enough!

I started a new kids' novel about a trans girl who finds out she is a witch and navigates the difficulties of coming out to her parents and living as openly trans at school, and learns magic at the same time.

I've cut the pieces out for so many new items of clothing to sell, and am hopefully going to sew them all soon.

It sounds very productive but it doesn't feel it. Every step is three steps backward before I can move on, every day feels like a punch. I've been creating out of desperation, trying to justify my use of oxygen and food and space by making things.

A few weeks ago on the Solstice that came to a head. Dash and I were going to go out in the campervan and trip for the first time since last summer. But I couldn't fix the leaking skylight (again), I took hours longer trying to make it work than I should have done, and finally when the time came to leave, we picked up my mattress to put in the camper and it had been utterly ravaged by mould.

This might sound like only a minor setback, but to me it was breaking point. That mattress has changed my life. I woke up in the mornings without pain, able to get up and go whether I did my morning yoga or not. I slept soundly, heavily. I dreamed strange dreams and I felt rested. I didn't hurt. It was a £1800 mattress I found secondhand for £250. And I ruined it. It felt like the perfect coming together of all of my failures as an activist, as a child, as a partner, as a creator, a builder, an adult, a grandchild, a sibling, performer, writer, as a human being. Through my own negligence I destroyed something very expensive to replace that had supported me, cradled me, held me and become my haven and sanctuary.

So I had a pretty solid breakdown. I slid back into old habits, the clawing of skin and banging of heads. I had a headache for days. It felt so ridiculous. Such a small, insignificant thing to go wrong when compared with the huge issues facing vast swathes of humanity. But as we all know, often the thing that sets off the breakdown is not the biggest issue. It's just the last little drip that makes the bucket start overflowing.

Since then I have had several smaller incidents in a similar vein, and every time I mock myself for them.

But I am lucky. My mother and my partner, and most of my family really, are all very supportive of my, and one another's, difficulties. When I fuck up and spiral into a self-destructive vortex, my loved ones give me space to recover, help me to fix the problems, and unquestioningly forgive my mistakes. It's astounding to me, the amount of patience they can have with me, when in my own eyes I am a ceaseless burden and chronic fuck up. They hold my hand and tell me I am wanted, I am loved and it is a pleasure and joy to be with me. They help me to repair or replace or heal or learn. They love me.

And in this I come to see how similar we are. Because I do the same for them. When Dash makes a mistake and becomes convinced he's always just an accident waiting to happen, I reassure him, help him to fix the problem, and give him space to stew. When my mum panics two or three times a day over technical issues, I swoop in to save the day. When Nanny Ogg puts herself down because she believes the voice of her abuser, I swamp her with verbal affirmation and love.

We all take care of each other. We are all parts of the web. Or really it's more like a net, with no one person at the centre. Everyone looks after everyone.

I want to expand this network. Recently I have been trying something new in my relationships. Whenever I think positively about someone, I send them a message, even if it's only 'hey, how are you? Thinking of you'. This is a hard practice to get into, because it requires fighting executive dysfunction and social anxiety and depression to reach out even when I don't feel like it.

But I have frequently not done this, and people have died suddenly, and I have felt so guilty for not having sent those messages. Many, many loved ones right now are suddenly seriously ill or abruptly gone. And I can't afford to not send every loving message that pops into my head because the grief and guilt are just too much the way it stands.

When faced with that stick, it's much easier to pursue the carrot.

I have felt very alone and very grief-stricken for a long time, and so have many of us. COVID is just the latest upheaval and tragedy in many people's lives. We're almost numb to fear and grief, but not quite. We're just full up. But we are not alone, and it's up to us to remind other people that they aren't either. As we show love, so we shall be shown love.

So right now I am throwing nets wide, throwing love out into the world and reminding the people I like that I care about them. Because I want to forge new relationships, rebuild old ones, and create unity and community with the people around me. What does it matter what form those relationships take, as long as they exist and are nutritious to our hearts and souls?

The world is hard right now, and we can't survive it alone. But together we have a chance, and if we don't start now, when will we?

#Polyamoroamer #Polyamory #Polyamorous #Polyamoroaming #Anarchy #Net #Webs #Support network #Support networks #Nets #Love #Community #Friendship

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