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#I'm truly ascending
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Just went to my first concert in 8 years & I'm so honored that it was Sleep Token. The crowd around me/in my section was awful, but Sleep Token were INCREDIBLE.
I haven't felt this alive or cried so much in a long time...thank you so very much Vessel, II, III, IV, & Espera 🖤
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rawliverandgoronspice · 11 months
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In spite of the whole bonkers thing of TP Ganon wielding his own execution sword, I find it fascinating that he is using a weapon of Light to fight you --a weapon originally conceived for purposes of justice, and that light still steeps through him through the wound.
And, to top it all off, Link uses tools more aligned with darkness to fight him back (turning into a wolf, Midna becoming a eldritch horror...)
Symbolically this combo of reverse mirroring AND literal mirroring is very interesting I think
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Ok I know I'm heavily biased here but like I kinda love that Astarion's romance is one of the few in this type of video game where you basically end up canonically unmarried and childfree in his "good" ending? Just travelling the world??
Like it's honestly the millennial dream lmfaoo cannot believe i chose what would undoubtedly be my favorite option, first try
#also love that he's basically atheist like ok thanks you made the man exactly coded to be my type#and the humor and beautiful curly hair is very much something my IRL partner has too so like... how can i resist#anyways not sure a lot of people relate cause i think a lot of people want that fairytale romance#even tho wyll is right there yall#but i love me an unconventional or nontraditional one!!#i'm TIRED of being married with children as the endgame pls let's not do it#also a lot of people seem into him being a dad and im like... how? why? where in canon did he ever lmfao#more power to ya if you dig it but i just dont see it being in character#like in DAI i loved cullen and my inquisitor getting married and having a dog#and they seem the type to wants kids one day. but Tav & Astarion? lol no#i just think it's neat#is this a hot take? i have no idea but i don't see it mentioned a lot as a new fan tbh#pls do not come at me you can enjoy whatever you like#i haven't seen the ascended stuff so idk if being his 'consort' is like being his bride#but i feel like overall it's not and the vibe isn't all that different in this sense#except that you're hosting evil parties instead of travelling :/#Astarion#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#bg3#also YEA he's nice to Arabella but you can tolerate certain kids without wanting one or being 'good parent' material#case in point: me lmfao#OKAY update i saw the AA stuff and yeah you're kind of implied vamp married and he does mention spawn as children 😫#but he also says in banter he won't make any other spawn??? so what is it dude#anyway that's also clearly the “bad” route and he doesn't seem as happy as unascended#who feels “truly free”#and if you're durge I'm pretty sure its even worse to consider having kids?? lol#but i digress#pk plays bg3
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takiki16 · 8 months
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A Fine Chain
UPDATE: Chapter 15/?
Fandom: Jupiter Ascending
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Beta: @gallifreyburning
Relationships: Jupiter Jones/Caine Wise
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Light Dom/sub, Power Imbalance, Royalty, Slavery, Collars, Leashes, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Don’t copy to another site, Dark
Summary: Caine Wise, disgraced ex-Skyjacker and convicted criminal, is suddenly inducted into the service of the enigmatic Queen Nea-Seraphi, mysterious new Recurrence and puzzle to the Entitled social circle. While figuring out the boundaries of his new station, worrying about his old commander, and nursing old wounds from his court martial, Caine finds himself slowly being drawn into the confidence of his royal employer. What could Her Majesty possibly want with a defective splice?
In which Caine experiences a Night of Revelations, and Nea-Seraphi experiences another tragedy in a long line of tragedies.
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fangedkittie · 5 months
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Do you ship bloodweave?
I ship Astarion with being happy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Regardless of who he's with or if he's single or whatever. If Astarion is happy I'm happy 😌
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sovonight · 2 years
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#i wanted to find xan's epilogue slides so that i could talk about them and i failed but im talking abt them off my memory anyway#so: how is xan legally allowed to become charname's high priest when he still has the moonblade#like. that's corellon's thing. so what is the process of divorcing himself from that duty#previous conversations have emphasized that chances for him to be free of the moonblade are rare and difficult#so i assume charname as a new deity steps in and does that for him#but even if it's possible & easy: would xan give it up just like that? like he says multiple times that he hates the burden of the sword#but i keep thinking back to that 1 exchange abt secret names where xan explains his secret name literally means promised to the blade#and charname's like 'i prefer xan to your true name and i think so do you; it separates you from your moonblade'#and xan gets really quiet and he's like 'my name was a gift from my father. as was the moonblade' and the conversation instantly ends#like??? the blade is tied up in so much significance. is he really so ready to simp for goddess!charname that his filial piety disappears#like i know that immediately after u save him from bodhi he's like 'i will do whatever you want me to with my life'#and he's outright like 'if you want me to be your high priest when you ascend to godhood i'm 100% down'#but bro just for saving his life?? idk abt anyone else but i save his life on a daily basis. guy is always 2 hits away from death#maybe he's especially awed like 'wow charname took a potentially fatal blow for me' but my guy she does that every damn hour#she's a permanent member of the front line just to keep the aggro off of you. have some more appreciation for her everyday sacrifice#idk it's the way that he's been asking charname not to use her divine powers for 2 full games bc he fears it will consume her#and how he's been sighing longingly and going 'i wish we could have our wedding and a quiet life'#and then. suddenly. he's indifferent to / in full support of the goddess ending??#like my guy are you aware that you're going to have to share her?? that she'll have other champions besides you??#that you're never going to truly have her again? that the most you will have of her is her avatar and the visits she makes in your dreams#that you're abandoning the seldarine and might not get to see your parents in the afterlife ever??#i do love the full devotion thing. i do. but xan's brand of devotion has always come with an asterisk#his and charname's values have to align even Somewhat for his romance to even happen#so what is this? ''if you get far enough in his romance his values no longer matter''?#''feel free to choose whatever ending you want bc at this point he'll just indulge you and go along with it''?#sorry did i romance a fucking reed in the wind?? if i wanted someone that bends to any and all whims xan would be the last person i picked#he's all 'i can't say no to you' now and i'm like *slumps over my desk* i miss when he was contrary about everything#the 'cant say no' thing is even worse if in the underdark you--no i wont get into it#sovo note
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zevrans-remade · 1 year
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ascended astarion..
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canongf-archive · 2 years
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eddie playlist for you 🕊️ hehe
I dare you- the regrettes
crush- ethel cain
anthems for a seventeen year old girl- broken social scene
teenage dream- the plugs
baby- bishop briggs
queen of the night- hey violet
if i could- 1927
boys of summer- the ataris
💗 VENNNNN!!!!! 💗
i GASPED when i saw this message. and as soon as i pulled up 'i dare you' and listened to the first 30 seconds... i knew. i KNEW. i knew these were all going to be something special. they are all so good and so catchy but they also perfectly encapsulate the relationship VIBE!!! i am over the moon. i am a changed woman. i am listening to these songs on repeat and i will be for the foreseeable future. thank you thank you thank you!!! thank you for thinking of me and thank you for sending me this playlist and thank you for being you because ilysm!!!!!!!!!! 💗💗💗
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p-riama · 2 months
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was typing an entire think piece on both aizen and unohana, how they're at the opposite ends of the motivation and procedure spectrum and how it's so BAFFLING to me that people continue having these readings on unohana that are actually more fitting on aizen
but i ended up being kenpachi kin on main and couldn't shut up about unohana LMFAO
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hexjulia · 8 months
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i finally realised what the sense of scale and some of the hm. maybe design choices? the whole imperial aesthetic in Foundation remind me of. jupiter ascending lol.
which is not a bad thing! JA was very pretty. it was also pretty terrible, but the visuals were not part of why it was terrible.
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still trying to make antiphon happen before the end of the month and I made decent progress today, but it's legitimately the hardest piece of the "trilogy" in spite of of being less than 6k worth of words
there's just... so many layers to everything? it's at once a sort-of post breakup fic that explores the aftermath of a toxic relationship, but also asks what future is worth living for during the early stages of reddition/colonization, and also a continuation of the ongoing philosophical debate about how to free yourself from arbitrary divine and systemic violence, and also a window into Zelda/Sheik's shattered and Wisdom-pumped brain post OoT when she's all alone in the world, and also some setup....
It's A Lot to balance.
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gachaparadise · 1 year
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I got Dan Heng :) At the cost of everything I had to my name. I have less then a 100 jades left. But it was worth it for my friend <3
And of course who do you suppose I lost my 50/50 to along the way? If you guessed literally the only standard banner 5 star I have you'd be right! yippee!! (< seething)
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flightyalrighty · 4 months
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FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT CH 1 PG 36
Infested will return on June 27th. --- Thank you to the following Ascended supporters: @chaogongoozles, @fiiresiidefrfr, @elizard4227, @grogar, Ezzoh, @susivoi, @calculuscacophony, Eros, @ivycorp, @summersdale @borrelia, @mizukiz, @sanicdetails, @combinegrunt-echo-1, Pica, @veeceear, @quackenburt, ItsmeMonarch, @memendoemori, @trans-girl-sonic, & savarsenic
Content Warnings | Store | Ko-Fi (Discord!) | Read On Comic Fury! DISCLAIMER: "Infested" is a horror comic ft. content not suitable for those under the age of 17.
A long-winded looking back on things below the cut:
The first few pages of Infested were uploaded to this blog on March 2nd, 2023 -- Over a whole year ago! I was so busy, too, that I completely missed its birthday (Sorry Infested). Looking even further back than that, the original story was was something I began writing on December 25th, 2022 (Merry Christmas).
It took two years to get to this point.
And hey, not to toot my own horn about it, but completing even one chapter of a webcomic is a big deal. Especially for me. My first webcomic, Fight/Flight, didn't get very far. I completed the prologue, started Chapter 1, and then had to drop it for a number of reasons (I didn't really agree with what baby-me had to say, politically, anymore).
This comic was born from a lot of intense feelings. The story, itself, too. Some good. Some bad.
I had been forced to move away from my hometown, and with that move, I lost the physical connection that I had to all of my friends. I lost the familiarity of a place I'd known for most of my life. I'm now stuck somewhere... Worse. It felt like a cage. Still does. Disconnected from the life I thought I would be living after college. I didn't have health insurance, either -- Got kicked off of it because of the move -- And as a result, I was off my antidepressants.
So there I was, at a pretty low point in my life. I miserable and lonely and every single day dragged on. And on. And on. And I felt so disappointed in myself. That disappointment became self-loathing, and it all kinda spiraled.
Have I mentioned that I'm a huge Sonic fan? I don't think I need to. I'd say it's pretty obvious. But for the sake of this story, I'll say it again: I'm a HUGE Sonic fan. I've been that way since 2003 with Sonic Heroes. The franchise has been in my life for over two decades. I had a monthly mail subscription to Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog was something that I truly loved more than any other piece of media. It brought me endless joy. Until I didn't.
I had dropped Sonic after Lost World was... Itself. I had already felt pretty irritated with the Meta Era, and Lost World was the final straw. The last bit of hope that the series could recover was snuffed out when Forces was released. It was over. I was done. If Sonic was truly that embarrassed by itself, if they had truly lost touch with what made the series so great, then I wouldn't waste my time any longer. I was so sure that I had to just... Grieve and move on. My beloved childhood game series was dead. Long live the king or whatever. I'd just bitterly read IDW Sonic and think about what could've been. I was lucky to have that comic, at least. Archie had been canceled, too, after all. I was lucky to have my scraps.
Then Sonic Frontiers came out. And it changed everything.
And my god, it was everything. It was everything to me. Flaws be damned, it was everything. To. Me. The spectacle. The serious tone. The vastly improved writing. Kellin Fucking Quinn. It was FUN! It was actually FUN to PLAY. He was back. I was back. Sonic pulled me by my hand out of the ocean of misery I'd fallen into, and he looked me in my eye and he said;
"Hey. You're gonna be alright."
Metaphorically speaking. Sonic The Hedgehog didn't actually literally speak to me -- And sure, okay, maybe it's a little dramatic to describe a game as this great Depression Annihilator but I'm dead serious when I say that, for that time, before I was able to get back on my meds, I was self-medicating with Sonic.
Sonic was all I was thinking about. I reread the Unleashed arc in Archie Sonic, which got me sorta realizing something, and which led to my post where I said something along the lines of "Sonic would hide a zombie bite."
Archie Sonic would, at least. Because he basically did do that in the Unleashed arc of that comic. He let that problem fester until it became an even bigger problem because, ironically, he didn't want to be a problem.
So one thing led to another. I thought more about Sonic becoming a zombie. Bada-bing, bada-boom, Infested was born.
I didn't expect it to get the attention that it did. I felt lucky when the first page I drew Rouge on (Page 6 I think?) blew up. The right people saw it at the right time. I'm extremely grateful for that.
I'm extremely grateful for all of you.
So yeah, one chapter. Woo! Here's to many more.
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takiki16 · 8 months
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A Fine Chain
UPDATE: Chapter 14/?
Fandom: Jupiter Ascending
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Beta: @gallifreyburning
Relationships: Jupiter Jones/Caine Wise
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Light Dom/sub, Power Imbalance, Royalty, Slavery, Collars, Leashes, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Don’t copy to another site, Dark
Summary: Caine Wise, disgraced ex-Skyjacker and convicted criminal, is suddenly inducted into the service of the enigmatic Queen Nea-Seraphi, mysterious new Recurrence and puzzle to the Entitled social circle. While figuring out the boundaries of his new station, worrying about his old commander, and nursing old wounds from his court martial, Caine finds himself slowly being drawn into the confidence of his royal employer. What could Her Majesty possibly want with a defective splice?
In which the queen is in peril, royal wardrobes are dismantled, and Caine experiences some tribulations.
The wonderful @zahnie has made a PLAYLIST for this fic!!!! Go check it out immediately!
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juney-blues · 3 days
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June Egbert is, and always has been incredibly fascinating to me because of just, how many factors have conspired to make Homestuck fans show their collective transmisogynistic asses.
The main character of Homestuck transitioning is a planned future plot point for the official continuation of homestuck, that was spoiled in advance by a fan making a joke about finding some toblerones Andrew Hussie the author of homestuck hid in a cave.
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The current main writers of Homestuck: Beyond Canon have went on record in an AMA confirming that this was indeed always the plan, even before they took up the project.
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In spite of these facts, the general consensus among certain homestuck fans seems to be that "June Egbert" is purely a headcanon for the original comic that was "made canon" by a "Toblerone Wish" (a concept that didn't even exist at the time)
For a variety of reasons, the "canonicity" of the postcanon official continuations of homestuck is a mattter of much debate, (though a debate that most homestuck fans seem to err on a side of "it's not canon at all in the slightest," something the writers have feelings on I'm sure.)
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All of these factors combined leave the concept of "June Egbert" in a very nebulous place. It's assumed by most to just be an "ascended headcanon" that was shoehorned in, it's a spoiler so it hasn't happened yet in any official media, and the official media it will eventually happen in is regarded by some to be nothing more than glorified fanfic.
If someone is talking about June Egbert, and you don't like the concept of June Egbert, you have your pick of a million different excuses for why she's fake and gay and not worth discussing and bad writing and just the authors doing a gay dumbledore*, paying lip service to representation while actually doing nothing.
And of course, lots of people *don't* like June Egbert! Rather than being introduced as transfem from the start, she's in this nebulous position of discovery where people have to truly reckon with the idea of a "Pre-transition Trans Woman."
You can try to write off *some* of the backlash as transphobia, because obviously not everyone in this fandom is gonna be cool about trans people.
But there's no shortage of fans just dying to tell you about how much they like reading her as transmasc, or the idea of her being nonbinary or genderqueer or genderfluid, or literally anything besides a trans woman. And since they're fine with all those other interpretations, there's obviously no implicit biases driving their distaste for the concept! (if you want to try explaining the concept of "transmisogyny" to people like this you're braver than I.)
you can trust them when they say it's *just* a problem with whether or not it makes sense with the writing, or it just doesn't feel right somehow, or any of the thousands of excuses that this writing situation gives them to just Not Like It.
It's just, so interesting to me. There's not a lot of characters out there that get a trans arc in this way, that leaves room for open denialism and insistence that we have our trans cake and eat it too... Because Homestuck is a timeline spanning multiverse story, lots of people seem to want it to be an alternate timeline thing. Assuring us we can have this character share space with a non-transitioning version of herself and it won't be weird or imply gross things about trans people.
If you ask me it feels like a plotline that'd be really good for exploring some gender horror though, finding your true self and then being demoted to a footnote, an alternate version, because everyone around you likes your pre-transition self more....
Anyway I have no broader point beyond "hey look at this isn't this kinda weird. You don't get this kinda stuff often!"
*side note: it's a little ghoulish I think to compare "a future trans plot point that hasn't been given the chance to even happen yet, in an already famously queer piece of media, from a nonbinary author" to "some stupid shit done by the literal most famous transphobe of all time" but that's perhaps a discussion for later.
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dramaticals · 9 months
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did you hear what i said?
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pairing: theodore nott x gryffindor reader
summary: after a year of secretly dating, theo breaks things off when classes start up again. it's now christmas eve and he's back with a figurative box of regret / requested by anonymous.
author's note: angst! there will be a part two with fluff, but i just needed to get this out since i've been writing this for too long. (please) feel free to leave angsty requests in my inbox because this is the genre that gets my gears going! but i make no promises on resolutions and happy endings ♡
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"You look happier."
Theodore stands in front of the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, his hands shoved into his pockets. His presence garners murmurs all around, even though the Great Hall was emptier than usual for the holidays. The sight of him makes your breath catch. It's been three months since you last spoke to him, but the memory of that night resurfaces, ripping open the wound on your healing heart.
It was back in September.
Theo had passed you a note in Potions, asking you to meet him in the Astronomy Tower after dark. It wasn't a peculiar ask, so you didn't think much of it at the time. The Astronomy Tower had become your and Theo's spot. A quiet place for the two of you to just exist—no interruptions and no expectations from the outside world. Your house rivalry was nothing in that tower. It was just you and Theo.
The two of you would spend hours hiding there, often cuddled on top of a lush blanket you had hidden nearby. You'd talk about anything and everything with him, from learning about each other's likes and dislikes to venting about classes and classmates. On nights where the two of you favoured serenity, it was never unpleasant. You'd embrace the quiet, exchanging sweet kisses all the while enjoying the comfort and protection of his arms.
That night in September was different, though. You sensed it the minute you ascended the steps to see Theo standing stiffly by the railing, his gaze concentrating on a bird on the horizon.
Theo didn't even turn to face you—acknowledge you—before he was muttering the words that shattered your heart into pieces.
"I'm over this." Theo said, his tone void of any emotion. His hand clutched onto the railing so tightly that his knuckles were pale.
Stunned silence fell over you. You just looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"Did you hear what I said?" Theo turned to you then, and you could see the pained expression on his features. But then something shifted, and his expression turned cold. "I'm breaking up with you."
His words on their own were harsh, but the inflection on each syllable felt like he was personally twisting a serrated knife into your heart.
"I don't understand." You said. "Why? What did I—"
"I feel like you're getting attached, and I think we've run our course." Theo interrupted. His eyes, the ones you became so accustomed to, were dark and flooded with an expression even you weren't familiar with. Theo scoffed. "You didn't actually think we'd last, did you?"
Maybe it was the naive and hopeless romantic in you, but you truly believed you would. House rivalries, judgemental friends, and family expectations were merely obstacles the two of you would deal with together. You just felt so strongly about him, and you were certain he felt the same about you.
"Did you hear what I said?" The Theodore standing in front of you jerks you back to the present.
You blink, and you nearly drop your fork.
"I heard you," you say firmly, returning your attention back to the half-eaten plate in front of you. You make yourself look busy and uncaring (as much as you could with food and a full stomach), as if Theodore's sudden presence had no effect on you.
Theodore shifts in his spot, his eyes darting to the empty seat in front of you, silently contemplating whether he should take it or cut his losses and leave. Reluctantly, he settles on the former. This makes you tense, your lips pursing as he sits. It doesn't help that you were highly attentive to the whispers; your classmates were surely speculating why Theodore Nott would be choosing the company of a muggle-born on Christmas Eve. You put down your fork, bring your gaze to his, and let out an exhausted breath.
"Nott, what do you want?"
Hearing his last name from you makes his jaw clench. It was cold and formal, stripped of any history you two shared.
"Just wanted to know if you were as happy as you looked."
"You have no right to that type of information anymore."
"Humour me."
You glare at him. Theodore looks back at you with such shy tenderness that your gaze softens slightly.
Am I happy? you think.
Some days, sure. But most days, you find yourself wandering back to that dreadful night in September. Even after all these months, you still wonder if you had just said something different or fought back instead of taking it, maybe you and Theo would still be together.
It was why Ginny, the only poor soul who was aware of your relationship with Theo, had set you up with Michael Corner, a cute Ravenclaw boy in your year. He was smart, funny, and occasionally sweet, but he wasn't Theodore Nott.
Still, you persisted. You allowed yourself to indulge in the idea of being with Michael because the brooding Slytherin boy who had your heart had made his choice. You went on a few dates with Michael; he'd walk you to class, sit with you during Quidditch matches, and sometimes—when he was feeling courageous—he'd plant a kiss on your lips in the middle of the bustling corridor.
"I am." You lie, and you bite down on the insides of your cheeks. What good would it do to admit you weren't, especially to the cause of your turmoil?
Theodore watches you, practically analyzing your features. He doesn't have to say anything for you to know he didn't believe you, and you hated that—hated him, for having been so attentive to you that your tells were obvious.
"You are?" Theodore questions.
"That's what I said, didn't I?"
"I think you and I have a habit of saying things we don't mean."
His careful words and wistful gaze make you flush with embarrassment and anger. To this day, you still weren't sure why Theo had broken things off with you, and it was something that had kept you up countless nights. Through gritted teeth and cheeks stinging with remembered hurt, you say, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Theodore starts, his eyes flickering around to ensure no one was listening in. While a few lingering glances were sent your way, everyone was spread out far enough that it'd be hard to eavesdrop. He drops his voice anyway. "I shouldn't have said what I did that night. I didn't mean it. I don't mean it."
The anger bubbling in the pit of your stomach erupts, your eyes blazing. "Is this some sick game to you? It's been three months, Theodore. I spent three months crying over you and wondering what the hell I did to you to be so bloody cruel. And now when I'm finally ready to move on from you, you come back to tell me you... you didn't mean it?" The last words leave a dirty, salty taste in your mouth.
"No, no," Theodore shakes his head, swallowing thickly as you recounted the months of hell. He hadn't been doing any better either, but Theo was generally good at hiding his afflictions. Numbing the pain with weed and alcohol were among his favourite remedies. "It's not a game. It was never a game. You should know me well enough to know that I would never mean any of the things I said."
"Know you?" You almost laugh. You had replayed the breakup and the weeks leading up to it in your mind countless times, trying to make sense of the bullshit non-reason he had given when he broke up with you but nothing made sense. The whole thing made you spiral, questioning everything that had ever happened between you two. "I'm actually convinced I never really knew you, because the guy I knew would never have done that to me."
Having had enough of the conversation, you get up, leaving your half-eaten plate and a pained Theodore at the Gryffindor table. You're almost past the door of the Great Hall when Theo, as a last-ditch effort, grabs a hold of your wrist, hauling you to a stop. You let out a small huff and turn to face him.
"Meet me in the Astronomy Tower after dark." Theodore says softly, almost pleadingly. He makes a conscious effort to ignore all the prying eyes that turned.
"Because that worked out so well for me last time."
"Just—please. If you want to continue never speaking to each other again after that, then fine. But at least let me explain."
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You had every intention of ignoring Theodore’s request. He didn’t deserve a chance to explain—the statute of limitations for explaining ended months ago. And yet, you found yourself sneaking out of the Gryffindor common room and up to the Astronomy Tower, inebriated by the countless what-ifs and string of memories: Theo sneaking a kiss on your lips as everyone turned to view whatever Hagrid had for Care of Magical Creatures, Theo resting his hand on your thigh during potions, Theo winking at you as you watched him play Quidditch.
“You’re here.” Theodore says, just as you reach the top of the staircase. He was sitting by the railing.
“I am,” you say as you walk toward him reluctantly. You settle next to him.
Theodore looks at you, and it looks like he’s about to say something, but then he shuts his eyes, shakes his head, and sighs.
You’ve never seen him at a loss for words. He was intentionally silent, sure, but his quick wit never failed him.
“I’ve regretted that night every day, you know.” He speaks up, his solemn eyes trained on yours. “I replay it over and over.”
Theodore’s gaze is unrelenting, brimming with seriousness and a vulnerability that you haven’t seen before. You tear your gaze away from his because the more he talks and looks at you like this, the more you find it hard to breathe.
“Then why do it? Why say those things?” You manage to ask.
Theodore’s jaw clenches. “Lesser of two evils.”
When you look at him with a confused expression, he continues, “It was better to lose you on those terms than to lose you completely.”
Silence falls on both of you, filling the space like a thick fog.
“I lost my mom when I was seven.” Theodore explains, his eyes darkening. “A freak accident.”
Out of the year you and Theo dated in secret, he had rarely mentioned his mom. And if he did, it was small tidbits—precious memories. Regardless of how small and insignificant the memory would seem to others, you gathered how important Theo’s mom was to him. Underneath Theo’s stoic expressions and calculating demeanour was a softness to Theo that could only be accredited to his mom.
“She got caught in the crossfire between some death eaters.” Theodore says, his expression pained. He drops his gaze now, but you keep your eyes on him. There’s a mixture of grief and anger that flashes across his features, and it takes everything in you to hold yourself back from reaching for him. To comfort him.
“It took me years to get over it. I don’t even think I am yet—I’m still angry at my father for allowing this shit into our lives and for continuing to do it.” Theodore says, letting out an exasperated breath. You knew what everyone else knew about Theo’s father—he was a blood purist, rumoured to be loyal to you-know-who. He’d hate you the moment he’d find out you were muggle-born.
Theo meets your gaze now, and it’s your turn to feel winded. It was like you were looking at your Theo again. The sweet, sarcastic, pain-in-your-ass-but-in-a-good-way Theo. “I lost my mom, who meant the world to me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I lost you too. So I pushed you away. I figured it was best to cut our losses before I pulled you into something you had no reason being in. Before I lost you permanently.”
“What’s changed?” You ask, shaking your head. His words were hard to process, but the pieces of the last few months were beginning to click into place. “I’m still me, and last I heard, your dad was still your dad.”
“I realized that, in a way, I was kind of like my dad.”
“What?”
“I mean,” Theo says. “My dad never gave any of us a choice. Not me, and not my mom. We always had to go along with him and deal with the consequences of his actions. I took a choice away from you, and you just had to deal with it. I don’t want to do that anymore. I still think I did it for the right reasons, but I regret it. I want to be with you. I should have told you what I was worried about—told you about the risks of being with me, so we could make a decision together.”
Together.
That’s all you wanted. You were more than willing to have dealt with any obstacle that was thrown your way, so long as you had Theo by your side.
But that was three months ago. And while his words brought goosebumps, butterflies, and heart palpitations, they also brought a slew of conflicting feelings. You understood why he broke things off now, and although his reasoning was well-intended, it didn’t excuse the fact that you had spent the last three months in a state of despair and heartbreak. You didn’t eat as much, your grades dropped, and you couldn’t even look at him until recently in fear of tears and the overwhelming rush of memories.
“So?”
“Theo,” you say softly. Your eyes search his face.
There’s a ghost of a smile on his lips at the sound of his name. Not Theodore, not Nott. Theo.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
He exhales sharply at your response, and his expression shifts as he turns to face the horizon. He wanted you to say it was worth the risk and that you wanted to be with him as much as he did. He wanted you to forgive him for what he did to you. “It’s fine.”
“No—I just... I need to think.” You say quickly. Your heart was screaming for him, but your brain was weary. And if the past three months taught you anything, it was that you needed to act with your brain and not your heart. “I just need time. This was a lot to process.”
“Right, of course.” Theo says with a curt nod. He turns to you again, offering a weak smile. It was his heart’s turn to break. “Well, thanks for coming tonight and letting me explain. I guess, just let me know.”
You watch him stand, brush the dirt off his robes, and turn away. Just as he reaches the staircase back down, he looks back at you. Your eyes catch his gorgeous arctic eyes, your cheeks burning and your heart racing.
"Merry Christmas, by the way." Theo says before he descends down the stairs.
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