#I've literally been in love w her since i was a teenager I love how often she plays lesbians despite being a straight woman

[superangsty]

911 watchers please confirm if tracie thoms is a lesbian in this show. not to be someone who only watches shows bc they have lesbians in them but if tracie thoms is a lesbian in this i WILL be watching it immediately

[snowflop]

I forgot YouTube has a recap feature, yippee! I love music :)

[butwhatifidothis]

If you don't mind explaining, why are all of the Ashen Wolves in the "Ew" tier, save for Constance?

i saw your fe3h tierlist and i’m super curious to know why you don’t vibe w/ yuri/hapi/balthus lol

I've actually already explained why I don't like Balthus or Hapi a few times by now lmao, but finding those posts is annoying soooo yeah I'll just say it again it here:

got long and character hate under the cut it goes

Balthus' character starting point of "gambling moocher with a kind heart beneath it all" annoys the ever loving shit out of me off rip, so he already has a bad leg in the race for me. The main thing that makes me hate him though is his shitty fuckin' supports with Claude. He comes off as a major creep here, blackmailing a teenager with sensitive information that could literally get him killed if the wrong person finds it and which Claude is visibly shown to be uncomfortable with Balthus knowing and visibly shown to not trust Balthus in knowing even after five years of him revealing that he knows it (long enough to, y'know, show that he can be trusted with this information by now)... all to try to fuck this kid's mom. Who he saw only a few times, by his own admission. And nearly 20 fuckin' years ago.

And then Balthus shows that he really shouldn't be trusted with this information, because the only reason he keeps it is because he's under the belief that Claude will, in fact, meet him up with Tiana. If Claude finds that idea, well, fuckin' creepy and weird and doesn't want to go through with it, well, tough shit I guess! It's laughed off by the end of the chain but god it's just so fuckin' scummy and weird and creepy dude.

And sad thing is, there's a part in the A support where Claude goes to Balthus for some advice and Balthus gives some that genuinely helps Claude out some - where the fuck is this for the rest of the chain? It comes out of nowhere and is then buried by the aforementioned "don't worry I won't tell anyone your secrets since you will meet me up with your mom, right?" shit. If the support had more of that or built up to it better I'd be more than happy, but as is? Just makes me bench Balthus lmao.

Hapi is just. Annoying. Supremely annoying. Her characters makes sense to be the way it is in most ways, but hearing her go on about how much she hates the Church (to the point of cheering on Lonato, mind you, despite his shit killing innocent people) becomes grating very quickly.

Okay so like. I was under the impression that she was thrown in some dungeons before she was moved to the Abyss, but like. Rechecking her supports to make sure, she literally says that she was moved to Abyss? And... nothing else? And that's why she hates the Church? Like she mentions nothing about any dungeon the Church threw her in. Which means she compares being trapped and chained and tortured by Cornelia, alone, in who-know-where... to living in a underground mini-society, with guaranteed food and relative safety (enough for her sigh problem to be able to be dealt with should it cause trouble). So like. Yeah no she just got worse lol.

But either way her attitude is just. Very annoying lmao. To be clear, there are things that happen that make it make sense why she's like this (like her A support with Ashe) - she's a fine enough character. Just doesn't help her for me personally.

Yuri is... kinda specific as to why I just don't like him. He's this guy who literally didn't exist before DLC paid him into reality, but he walks in and

he's lived on the streets

he's lived as a noble

he's a gang lord

he's been a spy for the Church

he's been an assassin

he's a great tactician

and oh yeah he's

FUCKING

19

WHEN YOU FIRST MEET HIM.

I don't mean to call him a Gary Stu or anything - because I don't think he is one - but I do mean to say that he comes in with waaaaaay too much shit in his kit when he first walks up on the block for me. He's just done everything off jump, and those kind of characters are a huge pet peeve of mine.

Not helped with the joyful fandom experience as a Claude fan to have to hear about this bozo being Better Claude Better Claude Better Claude, about how he should have been a lord and not Claude since he's actually smart unlike Claude. That was fun! And unfortunately tanked his already middling stance for me a looooooot.

The only reason Constance is saved is because holy shit, is this girly hilarious. The sheer degree of her melodrama/arrogance in her day and night phases get me cackling. She's a character I don't really take seriously at all and just laugh along the ride she brings, which is a rare thing for me to want do with a character in 3H lmao

[redrocketpanda]

Thanks for answering my ask before. If you don't mind me asking (again), can I ask, what are your top 10 (or top 7) favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......

Hello again - thanks so much for all of these questions!

Hmmmm, I have so many favourite things across so many different forms of media that choosing a top 7/10 is super hard. I've gone with my gut of the first things I thought of that I love, but the list could easily be wayyyyyy longer. I'm sorry - I tried to keep this as short as I could... In no particular order:

My Hero Academia (anime + manga) MHA is the first anime that I think I ever really properly enjoyed. I watched it in 2021/2022, immediately fell in love with it, and proceeded to devour both the anime and almost all of the manga. I obviously adore all of the characters, but I also love the way that MHA portrays superpowers - both in terms of how they function (w/ there being unique limitations to them) as well as how it depicts/explores superhero society. I don't normally go in for superhero type media anymore, but the combination of all of the above (plus literally the sickest soundtrack from Yuki Hayashi) easily makes it one of my fave ever things

The Wayfarers series by Becky Chambers (books) I could write an entire dissertation on why this is one of my favourite series of all time, and why Becky Chambers is one of my favourite authors. But the shorter answer is: literally everything about them. Chambers' writing is beautiful, her narratives are full of love, hope and community, and her characters are incredibly diverse and well written. My fave book from the series is Record of a Spaceborn Few.

Dragon Age series (video games) I first came across Dragon Age at a fan convention back in 2016/2017 during a panel on queer media (I think). In addition to the panel discussing the general queer relationships/characters in the series, they specifically highlighted Dorian and Krem in DA: Inquisition. The following day I went out, purchased all the games, and then played them through from the first game. IThe games are super fun to play, the writing is *chefs kiss*, and I love the themes that the games explore. I love them so much I've even written an article and done a podcast episode about them!

Jurassic Park franchise (films, books, games) Jurassic Park is one of the franchises that I was raised on (along with Star Wars) and I have been obsessed with it ever since. I've seen all the films (up to Jurassic World), read the books, own books about JP, played a bunch of the games, and even have a poster map of Isla Nublar on my wall. Dinosaurs are one of the big reasons I love them, but also I think the films have always been very interesting to me for how they give us a lens in which to think about animal rights + conservation in a science fictional setting (something else I have also done a paper on!)

Final Fantasy XV (video game) I'll keep this one short and sweet: best boys on a roadtrip that will both make your heart full of joy but will ultimately leave you a sobbing mess on the floor (Honestly I didn't play FFXV until the end of 2022 and I am still !!!!!!! over it)

Haikyuu!! (anime) sksalkkljsa. I don't even know what to say about this. HQ is just the fucking best.

I Was a Teenage Exocolonist (video game) I don't talk about it so much anymore, but Exocolonist is still one of my favourite games and it makes my heart feel so much whenever I think about it. I love the entire aesthetic of it. I love how impactful your choices feel and how many different routes you can go down. I love how inclusive the game is, not just in terms of gender, race and sexuality but also with polyamoury + family/community dynamics. The worldbuilding is beautiful, the soundtrack is *cries*. Just...it's such a wonderful game.

Manic (film) There are a lot of films I could choose for this list, but if I can only choose one (bc space) then I think Manic is a good pick. It's the 2001 indie film with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, Don Cheadle, etc, and is set in an adolescent psychiatric ward. This film means a lot to me personally, I'll just leave it at that.

Xandri Corelel series (books) I spoke a bit about why I love the series so much in response to your favourite characters question but to summarise: cool as fuck science fiction series where cool as fuck autistic bisexual polyam protagonist, Xandri, is the head of the xeno-liaisons team. It's got stellar worldbuilding, excellent characters, and explores lots of interesting issues. Also, my favourite book is Tone of Voice (2nd in the series) partly bc its got space whales in it.

Mass Effect (video games) I think by now its pretty clear I love science fiction, so Mass Effect was always gonna be a big hit with me. I actually played Dragon Age first, and then a friend told me I had to play ME. The entire series is just sooooo good for very similar reasons to a lot of my other favourites: well-written, beloved characters, cool ass narrative/s, choice-based, fun FPS moments, cool worldbuilding, sick soundtrack!

[diaryofanobsessivefangirl]

1. Hi! I think the 1987 film Opera would be up your alley - it’s very loosely based on the phantom of the opera. It’s a horror movie but it’s not too gory. Also the musical Notre Dame de Paris, you can watch it in French with English subtitles on YouTube, it’s actually fairly close to the book (especially certain songs). I think the Italian version has the best lyrics but I can’t find the full subtitled version. But certain songs like “Bella” and “Mi Distrugerrai” can be found w eng subtitles.

It's been AGES since I've received this comment, then took me months before watching the Opera (1987) and now I'm finally answering my mail box. Anon, I've failed you. So Opera unfortunately didn't win me over T_T It broke a sacred rule: his interest for her comes from her connection/physical resemblance to an ex-lover AND the personalities between the two women were completely different. Her mother was a sexual criminal and sadist, while the protagonist was just a normal girl.

Usually "replacement gold-fish" ships are very tricky for me cause it's already hard to accept that someone else had power over him before the main girl. If their personalities are similar, meaning the first girl was not a villain either, I'll probably ship the villain with first girl more than with second girl - it will be the superior villain/heroine cause she literally ruined him for anyone else. However, if the personalities between the women are completely opposite, I can't ship either: villain/villainess simply doesn't hit as hard as villain/heroine (SPECIALLY if it's off screen), but the only villain/heroine available is meaningless because the guy is not in love with her soul. She is just a projection, a poor replacement. Which was a shame cause I liked how in the end she pretends to reciprocate the villain - always a smart move from the heroine that promises many interesting scenes between the two characters. Oh, I have found Notre Dame de Paris the musical as a teenager. You can't stalk villain/heroine fanvideos without bumping into it 👀 HOWEVER I had no idea the italian translations would hit EVEN HARDER then the original french!

"And that winter heart of mine It's a spring flower And it burns in hell As if it were made of wax You are the one who fans the fire You, beautiful foreign mouth I spy on you, I want you, I invoke you I am nothing and you are real"

Oh Notre Dame, for once I'd like through her door, to enter her like a church

[grntaire]

gender? i hardly know her!!!

(ranting abt my gender and sexuality. prob more personal than i should put on the internet but i am feeling Raw)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i literally do not know. who i am lmao. i identified as cis (afab) and bi from the age of like, 13 i think? and that didn't change until i was 22 or so and i was like... she/they?? maybe?? which turned into they/she which turned into they/them which led me to nonbinary and pansexual which is where i've been chilling. but i don't even know if that feels right. like yes i am a girl but no i'm not a woman (i'm 25 so like, that Should Be a descriptor that i feel comfortable with. but it's not?) but im also not a girl either. my gender is more akin to like, the embodiment of chaos, lmao. i am everything and nothing all at the same time.

(i'm gonna use very much binary language here–i've personally only ever been with cis men or cis women, so when i use the binary language i'm specifically referring to it in terms of my experience) my sexuality is even more confusing to me now which is crazy?? my first crush was on a boy, and i had crushes on boys and girls through middle school and high school. i had a crush on my best friend in middle school and she was my first kiss. it felt like magic and i loved every second of kissing her. i ended up breaking up with her after a month or so and i still to this day don't know why. i think i was feeling like, constricted in it. drowning in the attention. also i was 13 and was living on a diet of nothing but nutella and pretzels so who the fuck knows lmao.

but as a teenager it oddly seemed so much more clear to me? my attraction to ppl was different and based off of their gender. like for me, my attraction towards girls was very emotionally based and the more i got to know them the more i wanted to be physical with them, too. with boys it was kind of the opposite, in a way, but not always. i didn't date any girls in high school–i had a big ol crush on one in particular but that was my Oh, She's Straight moment. i dated two boys. the first was a super nice dude who i hope is doing well. i broke up with him after 7 months or so i think? i was straight up convinced i was a lesbian. and then i dated a boy like two months later. i was OBSESSED with this dude. like, hormones gone wild, really just wanted to destroy this mf. he broke up w me after a month out of the blue, and i was devastated for a minute. in college i dated a dude for 2.5 years. he sucks.

my current partner is a man, we've been together for about 2 years. he is the kindest person i know. and yet i still constantly find myself second guessing everything. which, granted, i've always done. when i've been with women i second guess everything too. i think they're intrusive thoughts, and they'll look like "do you even like men/women?" a lot of it, too is that i don't think i've had the feelings of A Crush since i was a teenager, truthfully. i mean w my partner now, i'd get excited when his name would pop up on my phone, but there was no like, pining or whatever. loving him has always been easy and we got together easy.

so where i sit now is that i love my partner. but do i want an open relationship? am i poly? what if i like, actually am a lesbian and it's been comphet this whole time? but i have felt like, absolutely feral abt men before. but then i'll be like, fuck, what if the whole time i've been straight? but is that just from the desire to feel wanted? from the societal pressure to feel wanted by a man? that the act of being wanted by a man is proof that i am attractive enough and worthy? or am i second guessing these things bc my partner isn't what i need in a partner, regardless of gender. do i need someone more extroverted, who matches my energy more? can i bear the weight of being the outgoing one? and how do i cope with the fact that by choosing a partner i'm loosing connections that i could be forging with other people? but even if i'm poly, what does that mean for me? for my partner?

i am Overthinking so much. all of the time. and how much of it is intrusive thought and how much of it is... not, is incredibly hard to discern. i feel deeply tied to my queerness but i don't even know what my queerness is.

ik this is very oversharing but if u read this i appreciate u. u gay people in my phone make me feel less alone sometimes, mwah.

[wanderingrain]

Things I felt while watching Ep 4 of Never Let Me Go

Honestly the part of the episode that got me the most mad was the very beginning with Phum's dad. Why did no one bring up that Phum threw the first punch? Why did no one talk about how he's the one who grabbed a weapon (baseball bat) to escalate the fight? The teacher said they had video proof so why is Palm still being treated like the instigator?

The drama wants me to see Palm as noble for not letting Neung go in and tell the teacher what really happened. There is no reason for this. Why be punished if you could not be? One word from Neung and the teacher would have done whatever he wanted.

Neung's triple-take I see you. Also is anyone else remembering what happened last time Pond and Phuwin were near a bunk bed all of a sudden?

Chopper honestly has my whole heart I'm sorry. Any time Perth is on screen he's the only one I can focus on. Also Chopper just feels so sad. I want only good things for him. I like that he has a good relationship with Neung. Hoping that doesn't change.

I need this Maggie and Palm thing to not go anywhere. She's really cute and I would like to like her. I don't think I'm asking too much here.

I like that Palm is learning to talk back to Neung and not be so stiff. I hate that his dad makes him act like that instead of like a normal teenager. Especially when Neung keeps telling him to let Palm be normal. If you insist on calling him your boss, why are you not listening to him when he tells you things?

Chopper. He's such a sad boy. I love him with my whole heart even if I shouldn't. The way he tells Ben to tell Neung he likes him is interesting. "What do you have to lose? At least you get to tell him how you feel." It makes it sound like Chopper has confessed to Ben before. But Ben doesn't act like he knows Chopper likes him. You'd expect some discomfort directed towards Chopper but there isn't any. If anything Ben is a little too disconnected in this scene. I feel like I can't read him at all.

Chopper what happened to you? What is the sad backstory? I want to know what happened between them. I'm a sucker for angsty, pining "I've loved you in the dark" types I'm sorry.

I wasn't actually expecting a kiss from Ben and Neung since we all know who the real couples are supposed to be. I know we hate Ben/Neung being together on principle but I wouldn't mind Chimon and Phuwin being paired up in something. They're cute together.

Obviously Palm was going to see the kiss. Ouch at Neung talking about all of the things Palm does for him but relating them to Ben. Talk about twisting the knife.

Oof. Neung thinking about the kiss with Ben and then immediately recognizing that it didn't make him feel anything like the way Palm makes him feel. Just fun bath-time thoughts.

Getting a glimpse at what Phuwin and Chimmon could do if paired up together. Don't tell me you can't see it. They're cute. Admit it.

If Ben really does like Neung he's gonna have to join Chopper in broken hearts club. I honestly hope he's not a villain because I think it would be overkill at this point. Literally everyone else at school already hates Neung, we already had Phum's (pretty obvious) betrayal, and we all already suspect him because we don't trust cute things lol.

I thought Neung was going to pass out drunk on the bar and Palm would have to carry him home. Why did we get this mess instead? Listen. I like this show a lot. But this scene? Where did it come from?

Neung has been fighting to be able to treat Palm like an equal this whole time. He only ever orders Palm around for the sake of Palm's dad, or to help lessen the gap between himself and Palm. (ordering him to eat breakfast with him like an equal instead of in the kitchen like a servant) In my opinion, they've shown us the exact opposite of a spoiled brat this whole time. He's a bit naïve but only because his parents have made him that way. He's been single-handedly tearing the barriers down between himself and Palm so why in the world would he suddenly go back on all of that? I can't wrap my head around it. I feel like the writers have completely lost me.

This fight is so dramatic??? Bro you're fighting high school kids?? They're trying to kill Palm?? They're both spitting up bodily fluids and trying desperately to reach each other across two meters of floor? Where is the guy in charge? This looked like a fairly prestigious affair and now suddenly there's a brawl? Grown adults beating teenagers to the ground like they're in a gang?

I have fully lost the plot. I am just so..... I don't even know what to say. I've been really loving the show so far but this just felt strange and un-earned. Why is Neung all of a sudden being rich bratty boyTM? Why are we acting like this bar brawl is life or death? They're reaching for each other desperately across the floor but I feel like their relationship isn't there yet. It's almost a callback to the fight they literally just had with Phum but that fight felt more realistic and earned than this one does. We just watched Neung flirt with Ben and then scream at Palm and now they're both apparently dying on the floor and I'm just.... confused. And a little disappointed.

All I can hope for is that next week they'll be able to convince me that there was an actual purpose behind this scene other than just to be dramatic and get a reaction out of the audience.

I still really like this show. I just had to get this off my chest. I'm not trying to be hateful. If you read till the end of this monstrosity then thank you. I hope next week's episode will show that there was a method to the madness.

[cannibalismpdf]

today i deep cleaned my entire bedroom (which i haven't done in im NOT gonna tell you how long) and i filled 3 trashbags w just.....garbage. i threw away my movie ticket collection that I've been keeping since 2016 and it was crazy huge and maybe three months ago it would have hurt but now it was whatever. I really feel like I'm sliding into adulthood, the things that mattered to me like 5 years ago are just...whatever now. Literally childish stuff teenage girl things which WERE cool and I'm at peace with the fact that they don't matter now cause I've got other stuff to care about.

Anyway my shelves are basically empty, i only kept the books and the journals and the CDs obviously, and it makes me happy!!! Also i wanted to do (((bad bad thing))) and used a method my therapist taught me and didn't do it yayy i was so brave about it, for the first time ever i didn't have a panic attack about it. Also i was pondering whether to take off my taylor swift posters off the walls (they are basically covered in her yeah it's insane) cause i watched that brittany broski video the other day where she showed her bedroom and says she's not putting up any posters unless they're framed and it got me thinking. I still love taylor (midnights wasn't enough to turn me into a hater so if that didn't do it, nothing will lol) but idk....having my walls covered in superpop magazine cutouts is like ....you know. So I'm thinking MAYBE of buying some frames and framing like the CD posters and some art i got on etsy. Otherwise I think everything else should go away.

Idk 5 years ago this shit would have depressed me so much (SAYING GOODBYE TO CHILDHOOD AND ALL THAT CRAP) but now I just wanna organize my shit in a way that's efficient and simple, i don't wanna keep too much stuff and I want my room to look nice and not like, a 13 year old's bedroom. So. Cause i was always that kid that covered every inch in posters, and I've kept EVERYTHING my whole life, so I've been constantly accumulating crap, and now i just don't care anymore. It's just STUFF. So yeah.

And btw I'm reading the catcher in the rye and i loooove it. That's mostly what my life has been btw. I've been mostly disconnected from social media (by that i mean i check tumblr like twice a day and that's it) cause i was so busy with uni and friends. So i guess even though I'm so so so depressed I'm trying my best and that's cool :) <3

[likeawolfatthemoon]

a couple years after high school, one of our classmates who was bullied very badly committed suicide.

a few months leading up to this, i had been having a very nasty gut feeling and had tried reaching out to a few people to see if i could get in touch with him just to see how he was doing. like we were never really friends, but we were kind to one another and both bullied, so there was a camaraderie in that. but i was never able to reach him, then that happened, and i carried a very heavy survivor's guilt for not trying harder despite drowning in my own depression and traumatic circumstances.

but i've processed that, it's beside the point.

our high school was a small ~christian~ school that fancied themselves a community which...i'm sure you can imagine exactly the dynamic there. all white, upper middle class, conservative on the outside - judgemental, hypocritical, insidious to the core. and all of those families showed up to the funeral. with their kids (i guess technically adults, but i still saw myself as a kid, so they were too). the same kids that i watched day after day, relentlessly beat down the spirit of someone who tried so hard to still find joy and kindness in the world.

and i took such a great, personal offense to the fact that they were even allowed to be present. to share the same space as people who were mourning a loss they undoubtedly had a hand in. and i don't pretend to know what any of them were feeling, whether they were repentant or bored or were secretly joking with each other in texts between the hymns. but that is the exact feeling i carry with me to this day. that people who were raised thinking they deserved grace have absolved themselves of every sin before the effects of it even touch another person.

but even that is beside the point.

the point is, my Significant Blurred Line Codependent Teenage Best Friend With Whom I Would Eventually Have a Very Dramatic Falling Out made me promise her to not let shitty people into her funeral. like, in a very serious way, a way that young girls teetering on the precipice of a lifetime spent in therapy have.

well over ten years since i've seen or heard from her, i still think about that. how i'm not going to fulfill that promise, nor she for me, and in fact either of us may very well be on the shit lists. but i also think...i don't want to see her, or hear her, or talk to her ever again...but i don't think i would begrudge her mourning me. actually, i hope she mourns me and our friendship presently and has been for a decade. she's been a ghost to me longer than i knew her, but i would mourn if i knew of her passing. because even though she's someone i don't know anymore, she still contains all the parts that i do know.

the weird 15 year old wearing shoes with cat ears in bible class. that i got in trouble for holding hands with in the hall. the 16 year old that took me on my first date on valentine's day. that introduced me to my favorite band, that i would fall asleep listening to. who i would send letters back and forth to in the mail, so we would have something to look forward to, always spinning a preposterous web of stories - usually containing dr. phil and this week's list of hilarious vocabulary words from her little sister? the first person i told i was attracted to girls. who "needed a break" after i told her that. the person who inspired me to start looking deeper into borderline personality disorder because it sounded like her (the irony lovers out there waiting for me to hit MY diagnosis 5+ years down the line). the first person (besides my mother) that promised me unconditionally, unequivocally that they loved me. the person who showed me old gregg (and the fact that i could still piss myself laughing over "easy, fuzzy lil man peach"). the person who chose other people over me time and time again, literally *leaving* hanging out with me to go hang out with other people. who cried and screamed when i hung out with people without her. the person with whom i shared a weird obsession with conan o'brien. the person i talked down from hallucinations in my kitchen after she smoked laced weed. the 20 something woman who accused me of being in love with her like a betrayal of her trust. who of course took her customary-by-then several months break after this accusation. and as always waltzed back when she needed someone to listen and be there for her. and i did. until something finally snapped and i just...didn't have the emotional bandwidth anymore. and one unanswered text turned into three, which turned into a voicemail, which turned into a wall of text, and then days and days and days of constant alerts. hundreds of calls. sobbing crying voicemails, threats of suicide, screaming, accusations, name calling, then more sobbing and crying. and it seemed like i never stopped receiving texts. and this entire time, i felt like the person in the wrong, but i just wanted it to stop. i responded one time, the first day, after the first threat of hurting herself. and the tone shift upon my response from desperate and pleading and hopeless to pure anger...solidified my resolve. but it didn't absolve the guilt i felt from every notification. it was months before they finally stopped completely. sometimes i still feel a zap of anxiety when i see her name written out on someone else's social media somewhere, it's a common enough name.

it's a strange burden to bear, a mourning for a person who existed but doesn't now, whose status on the earth is actually unknown to you. schroedinger's grief.

to mourn someone you could've helped, but didn't. or might've helped, but couldn't.

and i wonder how other people seem to not carry grief with them so wholly and ever-present.

and i don't mean the kind you would expect, like for my mom who died long before she took her last breath, or the child i could have been if x, y, and z were different.

i mean the constant grief, for every moment you leave behind and every person you can't content. and maybe that's not grief, maybe that's guilt. and the razor thin line all of these feelings walk over love. maybe love is an accusation of guilt. maybe it's okay to be guilty.

[earthtooz]

'𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒍𝒚, 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒆.'

aka: you don't mind being lonely with the love of your life

pairings: suna rintarou x f!reader / kuroo tetsuro x f!reader

warnings: FLUFF, SFW, has swearing, late night shenanigans with suna and he teaches you how to skateboard + kuroo gets in a fight and you need to patch him up :( word counts: suna (1.4k), kuroo (1.2k)

a/n: favourite boys <3, reader is referred to with she/her pronouns. HIGHLY recommend listening to 'this side of paradise' by coyote theory whilst reading. bye i've been listening to this song for FOUR hours just to write this- enjoy!

𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐀 𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔:

you weren't expecting much to happen on a saturday night, some of your friends were out partying to celebrate the end of finals and exams, but you skipped out in favour of some much-needed alone time.

with the busy evening all of your friends have opted to sacrifice themselves to, you definitely weren't expecting a notification from your phone.

[ 8: 44 ] ─ sunarin </3 lol what are you listening to rn loser

[ 8: 44 ] ─ you >:) why are you judging me tf 🤨 none of your business

[ 8: 44 ] ─ sunarin </3 i'm not judging u you're legit the only active person on spotify rn ❗❗❗ it's kinda hard to not see you're listening to coyote paradise

[ 8: 44 ] ─ you >:) ... whatever. what do u want 🙄

[ 8: 45 ] ─ sunarin </3 come to my dorm and hang out w me

[ 8: 45 ] ─ you >:) no?????? you're gross.

[ 8: 45 ] ─ sunarin </3 you're getting blocked

[ 8: 45 ] ─ you >:) i was kidding you crybaby i'll b there in 5

[ 8: 45 ] ─ sunarin </3 ez cya later

true to your word, you were knocking on suna's dorm five minutes later and you didn't even have to do so twice before he's opening the door eagerly, pulling you in. you greet him with a brief hug, swinging your arms around his middle as he returns the gesture as well.

you note ginjima, his roommate, wasn't in the dorm with suna, so you ask about him.

"he's out at the 'rager' everyone is at," he shrugs absentmindedly, plopping down at the chair for his desk.

"i thought you were planning on going as well?" you asked and he fiddles with his rings.

"eh, it's probably just another shitty party that is held every once in a while, not a big deal. besides, i'm here with you now and you're always better than some sweaty teenagers."

you stuff your hands in the pockets of your sweats, smiling at his sentimental words, "wow suna rin, who knew you could be so nice."

"shut up. besides, it's been so long since we hung out."

"because i actually study for my exams instead of cramming everything the week before?"

he laughs, "i seem to be doing just fine."

"and i hate you for it."

you shuffle over to sit down on his made bed. it was expected of suna rintarou to have the most basic sheets which were black with a defined checkered pattern of white lines. at least he was redeemed by the clean state of his room.

"hey, i literally went to your volleyball game the other day, don't act like it's been forever since you've last seen me," you muttered, falling backwards on his mattress with a sigh.

he can practically hear him roll his eyes, "yeah, which you immediately left after saying 'good job' to fucking slowly disintegrate in your studies."

"you almost sound concerned for me."

"i wasn't, just missed my 2am buddy."

"don't worry, i was still up till 2am everyday, so i was there in spirit," you sit up fervently, "now stop your complaining, i'm here now! let's go grab dinner or something and spend the night out."

a short drive later, you currently take shelter in the only ramen shop that's still serving at 9pm; one you and suna have visited multiple times. thanks to him, it's become your little secret- that you have found a place to cherish when no one else is outside and the world is silent, with you two being the exception.

˗ˏˋ 𝚊𝚜𝚔 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚖𝚢 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝'𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚊𝚝, 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎 ´ˎ˗

suna will keep it as your little secret for as long as he can help it, because under the dim lighting, he looks at you with a soft expression that not even he can help. he listens intently as you ramble about your lectures, he watches your face as it concentrates on the 8-ball game he sent you, but most importantly, he feels the way his heart expands with adoration when you laugh with him. whether it's stupid videos of atsumu, cat videos or tiktoks.

suna falls a little more in love with you every day, but he will keep that as a secret as well in the meantime because he's finally found someone he likes being lonely with.

and if he just asked, you would tell him the same.

"thank you!" your voice breaks him out of his reverie and he notices the two bowls of steaming ramen placed in front of you. the waiter nods before walking away.

before you could grab the pair of chopsticks that come with, suna pulls out his phone, sticking the camera up at you. you pose with a couple peace signs and he 'hmphs' in satisfaction. that's definitely going on his story later.

"i'm so excited to eat, it's been so long since we've been back here," you muttered offhandedly.

"we can come back here all we want."

"not when i'm broke we can't."

"then that sounds like a problem your lazy ass needs to fix."

"you're such a caring person, rin."

˗ˏˋ 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚊𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚎𝚙, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚖𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔 ´ˎ˗

after paying for your meal, suna drives you to an empty skatepark next and takes a skateboard out of his trunk.

"haven't you been wanting to learn?" he asks, gesturing to the item in his hands.

"not with you, dickhead," you said, turning away to hide the blush on your face.

really though, you were just flattered that he actually remembered the comment you made offhandedly one day, and you tried your best to seem indifferent about the idea. truthfully though, suna teaching you how to skateboard was nerve-wracking. falling on your ass was not appealing, especially in front of the man you've been pining after ever since high school.

on the other hand, you've been embarrassed enough times in front of suna rintarou for it to not matter anymore.

he takes none of your bullshit though, retorting, "oh yeah? then with who?"

your silence is the answer he needs.

"that's what i thought."

"okay but you're definitely gonna let me fall."

suna laughs at the image, jokingly adding, "yeah, i might, that shit's hilarious."

"i hate you."

"no you don't and i promise i won't let anything happen to you."

you narrow your eyes at him in suspicion as he places the wooden board on the cement.

˗ˏˋ 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢? 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢. ´ˎ˗

a whisper of "just trust me" is all you need before standing on the skateboard, feet parallel as you hold onto suna's shoulders for balance.

"see?" he says softly when you finally adjust, "it's not that bad."

you nod.

"i'm gonna pull you around now, ready?"

"rintarou-"

he takes your hands from his shoulders and holds them in his larger ones. any complaints you have are gone and suna gently pulls you along as he walks slowly. you don’t know what to focus on, the sound the skateboard makes as it glides along the concrete, the feeling of wind softly breezing through your hair, or the warmth of suna’s fingers intertwined with yours.

but suddenly, he takes his hands from yours and pushes you, sending you rolling along the cement. you hear his laughter echo through the empty area as you’re slightly freaking out, not used to the sensation. you use your arms instinctively to try control your balance, but to no avail.

“you're a whore!” you yelled, stepping off and stumbling away for a moment, abandoning the skateboard.

that makes suna laugh even louder as he runs to collect his skateboard, “what did you just call me?”

“you’re a whore- ohhh get roasted!”

“shots fired,” he adds unenthusiastically, unable to hide a smirk creeping on his face.

"boo, you whore."

˗ˏˋ 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚔 𝚜𝚘, 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢, 𝚗𝚘 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚖𝚎, 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢, 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎 ´ˎ˗

"come on," suna mumbles as he grabs your hand again and you think you might malfunction. the black-haired boy sits down on his skateboard, legs splayed out in a 'v' position and he gestures for you to sit in between.

hesitantly, you do as told and lean back against his chest instinctively. "is this okay?" you whispered as he wraps his arms over your shoulders.

"yeah, more than. are you comfortable?"

"mhm," you glance up towards the sky, "whoa, there's so many stars out!"

suna follows your line of sight and notices that you were correct- it's not like you could see many stars in the suburbs, but some liked to scatter along the night sky here and there. nevertheless, it was always a breathtaking sight.

but what really grabbed suna's attention was the way you pulled out your phone and tried to find where certain constellations would be. he listens intently to every word, resting his chin atop your head.

he wouldn't mind it if it were like this for a little longer because regardless, suna will continue to fall for you with every little moment you shared.

because there truly wasn't anyone he rather be lonely with and one day, he'll let you know that.

𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐎 𝐓𝐄𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐎:

“can i call you a certified idiot now?”

kuroo groans as you place a bag of frozen peas against his eye, “not the right time, y/n l/n.”

“sheesh, what’s got you all pissed and snappy?” you muttered comically, hovering over him and inspecting his skin for any further injuries.

you shouldn’t be in this predicament right now. instead, you should be studying with kuroo at the library and not patching him up after he got in a nasty fist fight on school grounds. you got sent a video of it on snapchat from your friends after calling them, wondering where your study buddy was.

you got your answer, but by the time you arrived, the fight was long over and you were dragging kuroo away from his friends and to your dorm nearby.

so… yeah, that was the current predicament as you hold both his hands in yours, noticing a few bruises beginning to develop along his knuckles.

“can you straighten your fingers?” you asked and kuroo tried to do as told but to no avail as his hand started shaking before he could fully extend them. “kuroo-”

“i’ll be fine, my fingers aren’t broken and besides, a few bruises is nothing volleyball didn’t train me for.”

you sighed, closing his hand into a fist as you rested your forehead against it, “what am i going to do with you, kuroo tetsuro.”

you’re disappointed in him- obviously, but he adores the way his name rolls off your tongue so effortlessly and he can’t help but feel a little loved at the way you’re being so concerned for his wellbeing.

“i’m fine. the only thing i feel bad about is missing out on our study session.”

ever the nice guy, you can’t help but smile at his sincerity, “studying is the last thing on my mind right now. what if you get expelled or suspended for the fight?”

“no chance. with the way i beat that fucker up, he knows what’s coming for him if he tried to report me, especially since he was being a dickhead first.”

that’s kinda hot, you thought to yourself before immediately shaking the thought away.

“didn’t take you for the juvenile type,” you said, taking the frozen bag away from his eye for a second to inspect it, “besides, what did he say that got you so riled up?”

kuroo had always been a level-headed man who thought about his actions and words beforehand. to see him lose his shit like this was oddly scary and you repeatedly thought about the video your friend sent, ignoring the sense of pride that bubbled when you realised that kuroo was dominating the fight.

when he doesn’t try to answer, you immediately regret asking and began rambling, “i don’t mean to be intrusive! maybe you just wanted to fight someone or something cause why not, but you’re definitely not the person to be like that, so it’s kinda weird y’know? like-”

“he was talking about you, and i didn’t like it.”

well that shut you up.

in fact, it sent you into a meltdown as you tried to interpret what kuroo was saying. “are people not allowed to talk… about me?” you asked as your face scrunched into one of confusion and bewilderment.

“i didn’t like what he was saying,” the volleyball player muttered, looking away.

“what was he saying?”

“you’re gonna hate me.”

“i promise i won’t.”

“you're gonna have to swear your life on that.”

“just say it.”

˗ˏˋ 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚜 𝚠𝚎 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚔, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢 ´ˎ˗

kuroo sighed before reluctantly whispering, “he asked if you were my girlfriend, and when i told him ‘no’, he said he could treat you better than i ever could.”

your face warmed- dramatically and suddenly, it became hard to breathe and all you could think about was the boy sitting on your bathroom counter as he grumpily held a bag of frozen peas to his eye.

“kuroo,” you breathed shakily, “is there a deeper meaning behind this?”

“i like you, in a more than a friend kind of way.”

“oh…”

now, when you fell for kuroo tetsuro a year ago, you didn’t think those feelings would ever be reciprocated, because truthfully, you thought that the man was out of your league- practically unreachable. he was attractive and had a personality?? unbelievable.

you tried not to look far into the study dates, all his flirtatious compliments and praises since that’s just how it is, right?

“please say something,” the black-haired pleaded, “just let me down easy, okay?”

instead, you smile; genuinely and widely.

“y/n what are you-”

you answer him by leaning in, cradling his cheeks in both hands as forget about the bag of peas. your hand is cold, but kuroo doesn’t really mind- not with the way warmth spreads within him from your touch alone.

you’re gentle with him, treating him with a certain kind of fragility that he adores, and he can’t help but turn into putty, melting into you completely. kuroo can’t think about anything else apart from how you actually return his feelings and how he actually has a shot with you, after months of convincing himself he wasn’t enough for you.

he chases after you as you separate from him with half-lidded eyes and a lovesick grin.

“does this mean you like me too?” asked kuroo.

“what do you think?”

“i think i’m the luckiest man on earth.”

he leans in again but you stop him, holding the bag of peas up again. “no more, you need to heal that black eye of yours, mister.”

˗ˏˋ 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚜𝚘 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢 ´ˎ˗

with a groan, kuroo expresses his frustration and disapproval for not being able to kiss you again. he notices that his arms have gone to your waist but he doesn’t really try to take them off, not as you take a step closer to eliminate any unnecessary space between you.

he really does think he’s the luckiest man on earth, because how did he have a shot with someone such as you? you, who texted him every morning and evening, who always left little notes of encouragement in his textbook to find, who was willing to listen to all of his rambles- even if you didn’t understand them.

kuroo could only return your kindness and generosity with acts of his own. he sometimes wrote your essays for you, always agreed to hanging out with you; even if that meant watching the latest horror movie, paid for your order every time you visited the quaint café not too far from campus. somewhere along the road, he stopped doing it out of service but out of love as he fell for you and slowly became yours.

even if you were never his.

˗ˏˋ 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚐𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢, 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎 ´ˎ˗

kuroo still doesn’t think he’s worthy of you, even as he holds you in his arms and you’re willingly patching him up after a rough fight with a moron. you’re staying when other people would’ve left.

but he doesn’t care about his insecurities anymore, because he’d be stupid to ever let you go.

‘i will treat her better, just you watch.’

reblogs and likes are very much appreciated, but you don't have to <3 hope you enjoyed!!

[sickadelia]

ALL OF THEM LETS GO!!!!

welp i rbed both so lets do em all!! fuck it!!

pop - share an unpopular opinion you may have austin powers 2 is better than austin powers 1 by a looooong shot im sorry the first one is such ass. but the second? literal art. felicity shagwell could easily own vanessa whatsherface

punk - last movie/tv show you watched baz luhrmann great gatsby- i liked it... mostly!! hard to get into at first, but i enjoyed it as a hater of the book <3

classical - describe yourself in three words kooky, creative, caring (idfk?)

country - what are you passionate about? LOTSA THINGIES!! Art/creating stuff is my main passion since it's the thing I'm best at, i love coming up with concepts for movies, comics, etc. I also like to collect stuff, like records, comics, and toys! I also like to go out and take photos I guess?? Just experience the sweet city lyfe

indie - what fictional character do you relate the most to & why? joker– LMFAOOO KIDDINGGG- i wasn't a huge fan of mitchells vs the machines but i really hashtag related to the daughter, katie mitchell. She’s the same flavour of quirky outsider as me, and just as vibrant and insane!! we need more fictional girlies like her

edm - have you been to a concert? if so, what concert was your favorite one? yesss!! Ariana Grande and Gary Numan (weird combo ik) are the only ones i've seen SO FAR, they were both really good for different reasons.

rap - whats your favorite meme? cupcakke remixes forever and always

jazz - what is your birthstone & star sign? amethyst n pisces :)

hip hop - whats your favorite food? CHOCOLAAAAATE. Any candy, actually. But if we’re talking actual food, i love pepperoni pizza w/ xtra cheese and chicken sammies <3

latin - do you believe in the paranormal? nawwwwwwww when u die u die

r&b - describe your best friend hilarious, willing to do anything, good listener, passionate, intelligent

gospel - are you a morning person or a night person? Morning person fer suuuuure. I wake up at 6:30 and like to start my day as quickly as possible. I don’t think i’ve ever willingly stayed up past 12:30

opera - how do you know when you have a crush? I dream about them as i fall asleep. So stupid but it's trueeee

k-pop - what is something you never understood? pre-calculus. HATE that shit. idk how mathematicians enjoy themselves

reggae - give me a song recommendation do i make you nervous by serena isioma :D

aaaand the next one!!

0: Height 5’3 (i think??)

1: Age However old Betty White is now

2: Shoe size 7 ½-8

3: Do you smoke? nauuuur

4: Do you drink? NAUUUUUURRR

5: Do you take drugs? NNNNNNAAAAAAUUUUUURRRR (hysterical laughter)

6: Age you get mistaken for Seems to vary: either a young teenager or early 20s. idk what that says about me, but i don't think it's good

7: Have tattoos? nopeeee

8: Want any tattoos? been thinking about it? i'm kind of a wuss, but it would be nice to get a tiny non-visible one

9: Got any piercings? used to. I got my ears done at Claires and then the earring started fusing into the ear and then– yeah.

10: Want any piercings? I would love to piece my ears again but aagghhhh so much work. i was thinking about doing it before the end of the year, i want to wear funky earrings again </3

11: Best friend? yeeeeeeessssssss !!!!

12: Relationship status Single and not vibing :(

13: Biggest turn ons Knows my weird animation stuff, really well dressed, intense eye contact, nice laugh, sense of humour

14: Biggest turn offs obsessed w/ Tarantino or Disney movies (ppl who like them in a normal way are cool), gloomy, smells like old shoes, only talks about themselves, rude

15: Favorite movie three-way tie between Mad Monster Party, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

16: I’ll love you if… you listen to me talk about my weirdo interests!! or if you like my art. that’s cool too <3

17: Someone you miss my cat, who just left the room and abandoned me here

18: Most traumatic experience the time i thought a bowl of grapefruit was watermelon and then ate it all. hated grapefruit ever since

19: A fact about your personality I’m either super upbeat and giggly or sarcastic and mega judgy. Depends on who i'm with

20: What I hate most about myself Kind of a doormat, afraid to take risks, stubborn, procrastinator, cares too much about what others think

21: What I love most about myself Clever, outgoing (mostly), creative, always laughing, always looking for new things to be inspired by

22: What I want to be when I get older Storyboard artist!!

23: My relationship with my sibling(s) Haha imagine having siblings

24: My relationship with my parent(s) ahmazziinnnggg!! They’re my favourite people in the world <3

25: My idea of a perfect date movies and then dinner. or shopping and then dinner. I just like dinner ok???

26: My biggest pet peeves messing up something i was really excited about, the sound of that type of plastic packaging they put popsicles in, talking/humming while i'm trying to focus, cashiers who don't stop pestering you about joining their rewards program, man buns

27: A description of the girl/boy I like David Spade. just David Spade. we literally have 96% zodiac compatibility or something its meant to be

28: A description of the person I dislike the most HAAAAA UMMMM loud, obnoxious, self-involved, always needs everything to be about them, outraged

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend to look like i knew a cool band

30: What I hate the most about work/school wasting my time on something that i'm not passionate about and, in the end, will not benefit me at all

31: What my last text message says probably something like “LMAOOOO”. that's all i know how to type

32: What words upset me the most Failure. Literally just FAILURE. terrifying word.

33: What words make me feel the best about myself smart, talented, inspirational idfk

34 &35: What I find attractive in women AND men colourful makeup, huge shoes & thrifted fashion, nice laugh (again), always interested in what you're talking about, intellectually stimulating/always wanting to discuss stuff, good taste in music, kind and understanding

36: Where I would like to live I like where I’m living now, but it would be cool to live in LA!

37: One of my insecurities my teeth, which are getting better, but instead of being all sad boohoo about it, i play them up for laughs in my art

38: My childhood career choice fashion designer, pop star, sitcom actress, voice actor, bass player, film director, screenwriter... yea it's a lot

39: My favorite ice cream flavor neapolitan or birthday cake

40: Who I wish I could be Mia Regan, my beloved </3

41: Where I want to be right now amoeba records in LA! i haven't been to the new location yet and i really want tooOOOOO

42: The last thing I ate timbiebs baby!!!

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately YOU, VEZ!

44: A random fact about anything Todd Rundgren (my fav musician Ever) worked on Donda, but got so sick of Kanye’s shit that he quit and Kanye probably removed all of his work.

tysm for asking vezzziIIEEEEE

[jilyesplz]

Hi, sorry for what is most likely a very weird ask 😢 but I've never read TLAT since physically I don't have the circumstances to commit to such a long abandoned and unresolved fic, but i love all your stories and writing so I read your TLAT fics too! I loved them, especially the fluff dribbles because you give them such delicious dynamic 😍. I read the first chapter of Potter and Evans too and I think I understood most of it even without knowing the backstory, but I have one question if it's OK? I know this must be selfish of me but could you tell me what's the deal with James and Carlotta? Was she the prettiest girl in school? Did he really love her and then she dumped him?! 😱

Hi! First of all thank you so much for reading my stories, especially the continuation when you haven’t read the OG? :o I’m honored! This ask is not selfish at all, although I do really, really, really recommend reading TLAT! It genuinely is such a beautiful work of art. With that said...spoilers are definitely available, so I don’t ~think~ it’s evil of me to answer this?? i honestly feel kinda guilty abt this lmao but...below the cut!

Hoo mama. Strap in for this fuckin ride. (This got unbelievably long so TL/DR at bottom lmao, but a lot of it is actually relevant to P&E)

First off, yes, Carlotta Meloni is the prettiest girl in school. That is her main character trait. Her main personality trait is knowing it. 

We....hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. Everything’s fine lmao.

So in July before 7th year, James and Lily almost kiss. It’s...wow. Just...WOW. But Lil is drunk and scared of her own feelings, so she calls it off at the last second, which James takes as 'nothing is ever going to happen between us.’ Then he pops off to his beach house as The Rich are wont to do. Carlotta is there, she flirts, he flirts back, she kisses him, he kisses her back, she asks him out, he says (Lily will never love me so) yes.

MEANWHILE, Carlotta’s best (only) friend Shelley Mumps has been in love with James since 462 BC, which Carlotta knows, but Shelley isn’t pretty and he barely knows she exists. It’s very high school. (TLAT starts with its main characters as very immature teenagers, and they grow a TON and become these lovely, insane, completely fantastic people, and then this plotline comes along to be like But Lest You Forget, Wow Are They In Fucking High School. It hurts. Jules is an evil genius.) Shelley hears that Carlotta is dating James, is furious at the betrayal, so she gets a tan (and a weight loss potion and much sluttier clothes) and starts trying to sabotage James’s relationship. 

Important background here: Pre-7th year, Carlotta was pretty universally despised by Hogwarts’s female population for shagging all of their boyfriends. So as soon as Shelley starts talking shit, a slow-motion school-wide catfight breaks out...which Mundungus Fletcher decides to monetize. Dung starts taking bets from the student population on whether James will dump Carlotta for Shelley. 

Ew. 

But again: high school. 1970s. James wants to shut it down, Carlotta says don’t because she prides herself on not caring what other people think (which James does too, but he understands that this is gross and awful. Car doesn’t care). Betting turns into voting on whether James “should” dump Carlotta for Shelley. What the fuck this actually means is left intentionally vague, and it of course becomes a popularity/fuckability contest. 

Up to now, Carlotta hasn’t really done anything wrong in this story except (debatably) date her BFF’s crush. That’s about to change. 

James wants to end the voting. Carlotta again says don’t, now because (Jesus Fucking Christ, get ready for this one) she has made a secret bet with Shelley: if Car wins, Shelley will leave them alone. If Shelley wins, Carlotta will break it off with James. 

Quick note: the whole time, James essentially lets Carlotta make the decisions, acting as if the women are the wronged parties, which, yes, the school is doing a super shitty and sexist thing. But if the roles were flipped and a girl were in James’s situation, we would feel AWFUL for her. I just think it’s important that the school is doing a really horrible thing to James too, and the fact that he’s the James Potter, Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, Universally Beloved Most Popular Bloke in School doesn’t change that. Just because he acts unaffected doesn’t mean he is. James Potter is human. And God, what a human. <3

SOMEONE GIVE THIS BOY A HUG.

Anyway. Vote’s coming up. James rigs it for Carlotta to get everyone to leave them alone. The Marauders, without telling James, rig it for Shelley (because they hate Carlotta for a long list of reasons, and they love Lily, and they know Lily fancies James) (oh, yeah! Lily realized she fancied James on the platform back to school, right before finding out he was with Carlotta. Quite a gut punch). 

Carlotta...fucking rigs it...for Shelley. 

Fucking.

I cannot. 

I cannot.

Twat. 

In her defense: James is in L* with Lily, and it would be really, really hard to be his girlfriend. Also, she misses her BFF.

Not in her defense: Literally every decision she makes in this process!!! Talk to him you idiot bitch.

So then Car confesses rigging the vote to Lily and they have a heart to heart (well, more of alternating rants. They’re not mates). L says Car should tell him, but doesn’t tell him herself because she’s Lily, and because she’s worried she would be telling him because she wants him rather than because he really should know...really, she doesn’t tell him because she’s Lily. Car initially doesn’t tell him, they almost kinda get back together. She commits her greatest crime here: once upon a time, Lily told Carlotta and Shelley all the “little things” about James that she’d noticed...it’s one of the story’s first ‘oh fuck, L REALLY likes J’ moments, but way before Lily has come to terms w that. Carlotta....then uses....Lily’s little things speech....to convince J to get back together with her. Dude, she’s worse than Umbridge. But then she changes her mind because Lily has made her feel guilty so she confesses, and they break up.

Wowza. Sorry for the fucking novel. I have...a lot...of feelings.

TL/DR: J started dating Carlotta after L rejected him, while still v much in L*ve with L but trying to deny it. Lots of high school bullshit happened, ending in a school-wide vote about whether J should dump Carlotta for her ex-BFF Shelley who also fancies him. Ew, David. Carlotta and Shelley make a secret deal that Carlotta will dump J if she loses, then Carlotta rigs the vote so she’ll lose. She loses, tells him about the bet and he’s like ‘OK I’m done with you.’ She then changes her mind, tries to get him back, but Lil’s goodness guilts her into telling him the truth about the bet and they break up. So to your questions...yes, no, yes and no. Lil thought maybe he loved Car, and in Potter and Evans, she now thinks he does because she dramatically misinterpreted what Libby was saying—teasing James about how unsuccessful his attempts at moving on were—as bro-y congratulations/teasing for how fast he found a rebound.

[takaraphoenix]

For the WIP ask The Justice Academy and The Kings of Central City

So for The Justice Academy I, sadly, do not have a snippet to post. It’s more a... note for something I’d like to write in the future. An Arrowverse high school AU, kind of... Sky High but the kids in it are teenage versions of the Arrowverse (plus some personal favorites like Harley and Ivy).

Kara is still trying to hide her alien heritage though, because it’s an Earth school and while they have a lot of superpowered humans, they aren’t entirely too aware that there are aliens. So she joins in her capacity as a genius, wanting to support.

Kate is more there to rebel against her father, really. And to investigate the disappearance of her cousin, who used to attend this school and then just... well, disappeared. Instead, she accidentally makes friends and falls in love with a cute nerd with glasses.

--

The Kings of Central City was a fun canon divergent idea I had! Where Lenny and Mick have been ruling Central City’s underworld ever since the particle accelerator gave them ice and fire powers respectively, making them extremely powerful metas. But due to how they operate, they have never tangled with the Flash before. No, they first meet Barry Allen, who comes by to bring them brownies as a thank you for protecting his father in prison - a debt that Len has repayed for his very first stint in Iron Heights, when he had been very young and Henry had protected him.

Sadly, I only got two pages into this before I started losing interest in The Flash and, consequently, in writing for it... But here is a snippet from it:

Barry Allen was angry. Furious even. An emotion he was not too familiar with. Normally, he was always happy and friendly and forgiving. But he had asked – begged, really – his adopted father not to use his biological father as a snitch. Joe had done it anyway and Henry had helped; of course he did, he was Barry's father after all. But Henry Allen was in Iron Heights and there was golden rule in prison – snitches get stitches. Barry could not lose his father. Not after having lost his mother.

The thing was – the curious thing that Barry was now going to investigate – Henry Allen was without a scratch. Someone had tried to attack him, but that someone was currently very close to death. Not because of anything Henry had done. And that was the part Barry was investigating.

“Slugger, listen, I'm sorry-”, started Henry, sounding honestly upset as he stared at Barry.

“That's... not why I'm here. I really don't want to hear an apology, because I know you don't mean it. You would do it again”, accused Barry, sounding far more upset. “I want to know what happened. Someone attacked you, but you're... you're fine. And he isn't. What... happened?” Henry hesitated, but Barry used the puppy-eyes that had managed to guilt literally everyone into doing essentially anything he wanted. “Dad, please. I've been lied to enough this week.”

And that drove the guilt in even farther, leading to a heavy sigh from Henry. “I have... protectors, you could say. Leonard Snart and Mick Rory are making sure I'm safe.”

“W—What? W—Why?”, stammered Barry doe-eyed, brain stopping abruptly.

“When Leonard came to Iron Heights for the first time, he was really just a kid, but due to prior stays in juvie, they had decided to trial him as an adult. He was a kid, alone and even though he hid it well, he was frightened. I took him under my wing back then. Never expected anything in return, but apparently that is something he never forgot”, admitted Henry. “Look, I didn't want to... compromise you. It's already bad enough your old man is in prison, but I didn't want this to fall on you either, slugger. It's alright, Barry.”

Alright was not quite the word Barry would have used. Leonard Snart and Mick Rory were the uncrowned kings of Central City's underworld. Well, probably stole crowns at some point too. They were notorious criminals, who after the particle accelerator explosion took over the city. It gave them powers – Snart ice-powers and Rory fire-powers. They gathered a crew of metahumans and took out the Santinis and everyone else in their way, until Central City laid in their palms. Barry had never encountered them before; they were too busy running the city from the shadows to engage in anything that the Flash could intervene with. But of course he had heard the stories.

Cruel, vicious, deadly, nasty, crazy.

Protecting Henry Allen kind of did not sound like any of that, if Barry was honest. Well, crazy maybe. Barry didn't understand it, but he knew that he would be eternally grateful to the two.

--

Send me a document title from my WIP folder and ask me about it! If I can, I’ll provide a snippet!

[axther]

For CH/JJBA Basic info: straight female, 5'4, Scorpio! If it matters my mbdi is debater, which I think is accurate. I'm a bit curvy/soft and I have really long wavy hair and glasses. Now for fun stuff! I'm a split between being very hyperactive (almost like a puppy lmao) or very quiet (not shy, but more indifferent. I've been told I'm intimidating) I'm into polyrelationships so the more boys the merrier. I like hiking and sports when I'm with people but don't do it by myself cause it's boring. 1

HERE’S UR FOOD QUEEN. also tumblr got me fucked up w no CH gifs :(

Cute Earth High Defense Club Love (Season One) V1

#1 is…Atsushi! 

He’s the most normal out of all the characters, to be honest

When he sees you, it’s nothing spectacularity radiant, per se

There’s a pretty girl in his school! cool! 

The strangest part is that it’s an all-boys school, so naturally, he’s confused

Through a series of plot shenanigans, you’re there as an exchange student

And he’s been told he has to help you get settled!! 

He introduces you to the Earth Defense Club, and slowly you two grow acclimated with each other 

While you’re friendly to everyone else, there’s something different between you and him 

It’s chemistry, and even Ryuu wouldn’t dare poke it 

One afternoon, someone asks you out via love letter, all the extra stuff

And you turn them down as politely as you can 

But thanks to the indifference, the boy gets offended 

He turns into a letter-shaped monster, and the Battle Lovers have to step in 

Atsushi is both appalled and terrified 

Did the monster hurt you??

Why did the monster appear around you? 

Was it something to do with you? 

He spends half of the battle just covering you 

And once the monster starts spewing slander, Atsushi is having none of it.

Whatever the monster says, Atsushi refutes, defending you until the rest of the battle is at a standstill and he’s just bickering with the monster. 

Eventually, Atsushi practically makes the monster choke on respect women juice, and on behalf of the passed out student, Atsushi begins apologising non-stop to you

You’re confused as hell 

The internet-famous Battle Lovers know you??

All you can see is the blurred out faces, and the blue one, the self-declared Piercing Prince, Epinard, seems to be constantly hanging over you 

And honestly 

He’s a cutie 

This results in a sailor moon-esque situation 

Where you have a crush on Epinard, Atsushi has a crush on you, and he’s miserable upon realising what he’s done 

Does he reveal that he’s Epinard???

Honestly, probably not on purpose  

I can absolutely see them talking about it and he’s like ���do i always have to yell out im Epindard’ and he turns and sees you 

And you’re like ‘????? excuse me???’ 

Which results in more shenanigans 

#2 is…Yumoto! 

babey boye 

He falls for the flirting every time 

He reciprocates as best as he can, but for the most part, it’s just him being soft 

He hugs you so much omfg 

It gives Wombat a break, and though you don’t know he’s a talking wombat, he’s all for you being there 

What’s interesting is that he’s telling everyone he’s gonna marry you

And since most of the ppl in the school are bros, no one’s told you 

Which gets awkward 

Because he’s 200% told you that he loves you 

But you take it as ‘:D! I love platonic love between my Friends! :D!’ 

So it becomes a Situation that everyone gets second-hand embarrassment from 

Yumoto has told his brother that he’s gonna marry you and you’d be the bathhouse’s Okami 

But you’re thrown for a loop when Gora asks you when you and Yumoto started dating 

And you’re like ‘??????’ 

This results in a brief but stern conversation between Gora and Yumoto 

And Yumoto feels guilty, of course

But you’re so sweet! And you flirt with him!! Doesn’t that mean you like him??

It’s a bit of a wakeup call, but he’s still only got two brain cells

You gotta cut him some slack 

For about a day, he chills out, though he’s melancholy 

After that he’s back to being oblivious and sweet 

#3 is…Kinshiro! 

Did someone say ‘emotionally constipated teenager who’s in a rivalry with his childhood best friend for the girl they like but he has no idea how to approach her due to the fact stated above (he is emotionally constipated)’???

no????

Ok that’s valid

But you want a polyamorous relationship???

He and Atsushi are gonna be your best bet. 

This boye is completely lost when it comes to wooing you 

He thinks you’re graceful in a quiet sense

And while you’re a flirt and a meme lord, you’re also yourself 

Ibushi notices almost off the bat 

And he’s like ‘my guy, my dude...my cousin??? Fr???’ 

Kinshiro is crazy confused and embarrassed 

He’s always considered himself to have tunnel vision

But then you pass by and he gets a whiff of your shampoo and 

Oh no 

he gets kinda lightheaded and blushy but wipes it away fast 

Whenever you pop by to say hi to Ibushi he completely freezes 

Like he just stops moving altogether

 It’s something you, Ibushi, and Akoya have noticed 

Y’all exchange glances every time he freezes while sipping tea 

The MOMENT he realises you like Epinard he gets lowkey pissed

 Do you seriously like that barbaric, stupid Battle Lover??

He’s like ‘I’m elite, graceful, rich. I’m the better choice :(‘ 

Make him drink just a bit of respect women juice 

But he’ll be very, very soft for you

And after he finds out about Atsushi being Epinard and Atsushi likes you?? 

Well, it’s two birds with one stone 

He’ll do his best to hint that he likes you, but Akoya and Ibushi have to help him along 

Especially Ibushi, since he’s your cousin 

Get ready for a flood of thoughtful but expensive gifts

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure V2 

(Note: If you want a poly relationship, all three of these lads have convenient best friends...👀)

#1 is…Josuke!! 

Mans is a himbo (refer to chat) 

Sure he’s got like, one brain cell, but it’s dedicated to you!! 

He’s a bit of a flirt, too, so be ready to fend off the fangirls 

Since fangirls in the 90’s were chiller than ones in, say, the 80’s, they mostly respect that he’s got a girlfriend 

But the moment one of them tries to hurt a hair on your head, it’s game over 

Now

The thing about it is that you get shy 

But your shy is looking scary as hell 

So all they see is a glare that would make the devil run, and they bail 

Josuke relates to your fear of bugs!!

He’s not fond of turtles, so you guys can have each other’s back!! 

If you want to draw him something, he can and will frame it in the best frame he can convince Joseph to buy 

Is it gold foil?? Maybe 

Before y’all get together, he pines like no other 

He’ll start frequenting places you go to just because he wants to see you

And he doesn’t think it’s creepy but gets worried that you will 

But he thinks you’re incredible 

It’s something makes him short circuit a bit 

You: :) 

Josuke: Now Playing: Beautiful Girl (Alternate Version) [Tempo Track] - Jimmie Thompson, Gene Kelly & Lennie Hayton (Singin’ In The Rain) (1952) 

#2 is…Johnny!

Southern boye drank his respect women juice after he got shot 

And once he sees you???

He CHUGS it 

First off this is like the late 1880’s so anyone who bathes is probably stellar 

So he, too, has the Joestar Blessing of having Beautiful Girl play on repeat 

But as soon as you start flirting???

He’s GONE 

I mean this in the most literal sense 

He’s a good Christian boye (theoretically) 

So once you talk about dating him he flushes bright red

He’s aware that you’re just flirting, but oh hmmm 

He starts crushing fast 

Plus if you don’t judge him or think he’s weaker for being in a wheelchair? 

Give him a second he’s trying to find a ring 

He might be in a wheelchair but he’s in no way inadequate, if you get what I mean 👀

(who am I kidding, of course you do) 

Considering that memes weren’t much of the thing in the 1800’s if you find some, he probably wouldn’t understand them 

But he does enjoy when you play the piano 

But let’s say there’s a stand attack

And you just bust out knives??? 

instant boner 

#3 is… Joseph!

Flirt, but times two 

Y’all make anyone blush 

No one’s safe 

And with each other??

It can get foul, fast 

Does Lisa Lisa step in?? 

No, not really 

She’s not gonna interfere at Joseph’s chances of getting laid 

Plus she approves so!! 

Catch him trying to flex while you’re around 

Be it him trying to beat Cesar’s ass (and failing) or literally flexing, he wants to impress you 

And while he knows that you’re a flirt for the sake of being one, he also gets a bit nervous when you flirt with others

Especially if he hasn’t confessed, actually confessed, yet

Plus, he’s got a special arm 👀

Y’all know what’s up 

@matchupdomain @peeshposheddie

[yayninjabob]

Author Commentary

Ramblings from Yay Ninja Bob about her monstrous creation~

Besides working on my fic, I personally try to journal every day, and I realized that a lot of my journaling has become me pretty much rambling about the process of writing this damn fic lol.  So I thought I'd share some of that for those who may want to know more behind my chapters from my author's perspective. 

It's certainly not everything I can say, but it is a lot haha..

Chapter 1 - Thirteen

Behind the title:

    Well, when I first began writing VillainR, I hadn't planned on having chapter titles at all.  Mainly because coming up with chapter titles (or titles for stories in general) has always been something I struggle with personally.  Anywho after I decided I wanted to challenge myself with chapter titles, I went back and named chapter 1 "Thirteen."  Why?  Well, it is the PpG's thirteenth birthday, of course there is that.  VillainR as a whole is many things, but one major thing is it is a coming of age story for Buttercup/Joey/Jojo, as well as a story of self-discovery.   There's a few important ages I wanted to cover and 13 is around the age where many kids start to "develop" and being a super-powered kid,  Buttercup finally begins to develop her own "special power" at this age.  I wanted this "growing pain" to be the catalyst for the events of Part One.  So, I gave the chapter the title of "Thirteen" to try to highlight the significance of that age for Buttercup. The self-discovery made at this age is that special power (although they are unaware of it at this point).  It's considered an unlucky number, and as it turns out, it is an unlucky year for our main character.

During the writing process:

     First draft was written on Halloween night 2019 and pretty much all of it was completely scrapped haha. 

     I started writing it in first person, like the original Villain, in Buttercup's POV.   I kept the events but approached it again in third person and liked it so much better that way.  One major thing I wanted to improve on with the rewrite was character development which is pretty hard to achieve when writing in a limited POV of a character who eventually loses sight of much around them.  I debated briefly on maybe doing alternating POVs between Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, but then I felt like it would still exclude a lot for other major characters like Mojo and Princess.  I could add them too but I thought alternating too many POVs would be overwhelmingly difficult (for me as the author for sure but I imagine for the reader too)  Third person seemed to be the best way to handle everything and really my only challenge with that was tweaking the whole "unreliable narrator" trope which I will be honest is my favorite trope ever. It is a challenge to try to recreate the same effect in third person, but I decided that a close third person was the best way to 1) tell a broader story and 2) still set limits on the reader's perspective, and control when and how I drop information and attempt to recreate a similar experience in an entirely new way I've never tried before heh.  (I guess I will spend more time on this on my notes for Chapter 6)

     Second draft I scribbled out in another few days with this new approach.  It began at the start of the carnival and ended where it ends.   Simultaneously I was reworking my overall outline for the fic and began to narrow down all the characters I wanted to be my key players for this epic.  Once my outline was expanded to include everyone, I added the scene with Mojo and Him.  For me, that's when I was like "Ayyy it's all coming together 👍👍" haha.

     Another thing I wanted to improve on was setting and world-building.  So final draft I decided to include some "history" behind Townsville and that's when I worked out the final draft.

    This chapter definitely had the most trial and error during the writing process than any other chapter other than 5 so far.

Inspirations:

     Townsville world-building/history - much of it is inspired by the city I grew up in (for the most part) which is Los Angeles. I mean it has all the sort of settings we've seen in the show which are all pretty diverse right?  Townville had to have a diverse cityscape ranging from a busy downtown setting to quite suburbs to upperclass mansions, beaches, an island, forests, etc.  Well I knew LA had all that and so I tried to re-imagine Townsville as basically an alternate universe LA lol. Monster Isle, I based on research I did on Catalina Island.  I imagined the Utonium household was in a middle class neighborhood like Pasadena- close to the heart of LA but still a relatively "calmer" part of the city.  Morbucks Manor would be in the Hills like Beverly Hills.  Downtown was the heart of the city like Downtown LA.  I debated briefly whether or not to have the Gangreen Gang be from an area modeled after South Central or East LA, but eventually I went with East LA because TBH I am just more familiar with it since that's where my mom's side is from and where I grew up early on in life.  PLUS East LA actually has a pretty big punk scene so that fit the story too with Ace being in a punk band and all that. 

1998 PpG Show References:

     "Oh my gosh they have giant Bunny-Bunny's at the prize tent!"

    (Super Zeroes)

Pop Culture References:

   (OK most of my pop culture refs are just punk references lets be honest lol.  Why Punk?? - because it is rebellion and rebellion is the heart of this fic)

     The Clash - OK in original Villain I established that this was Buttercup's favorite band so I HAD to have that back for the redux. Here's all the refs I crammed into chapter 1 lol:

   "Oh, Man! It's so hard to choose, like, I love literally everything by them. But I gotta say it's a tie probably between their first album and London Calling."

"Hell yeah. Jimmy Jazz is my jam."

"You know, my band does a cover of White Riot," Ace continued to talk music with the teenager as he lit his cigarette and took a deep drag. He held the smoke in his lungs as he continued, "Only we call our version Green Riot."

Blondie:

     The one artist Buttercup had introduced Robin to that she instantly obsessed over was Blondie.

(Some) Symbolism:

     - Blossom is 5'9" and Buttercup is 5'8" - Buttercup is always falling one step behind Blossom.

     - Bumper Car scene - has some foreshadowing and well...

Blossom sat behind the wheel of a red bumper car at the opposite end of the metal floored rink. Buttercup crossed her arms in protest, "No way. I'm driving." she demanded.

Blossom also crossed her arms from where she sat behind the metal wheel. "So you can just rampage and crash into everybody here? No way." She fastened her seat belt with a quick snap and placed her hands firmly on the steering wheel again.

"Ugh. That's the whole point of bumper cars! It's to bump the other cars! You're supposed to try and bump everyone before the times up!"

"You always take it too far, Buttercup. I'm driving, so get in." The redhead grasped the steering wheel in her hands firmly, and refused to move.

And...

"You drive like an old lady," Buttercup shook her head in disbelief as her sister managed to avoid yet another collision.

"Well, that's your opinion," she shrugged off the insult, "Personally, I think it takes just as much skill to avoid every single car in here, as it does to hit every single car," she smiled at her sister.

And finally a brief allusion to the OG Villain lol...

"Blossom!" Buttercup shouted louder so she could get her sister's attention. She pointed at the fast approaching purple car that zoomed towards them from their right side. Behind the wheel of that car was Bubbles who wore a rather determined look on her face as Robin cheered for her.

Blossom saw, but by then it was too late. Bubbles and Robin's car slammed into Buttercup and Blossom's car at full force, spinning Buttercup and Blossom's car into the wall of the arena. The loud buzz which signified the end of the ride then sounded.

    - the roller coaster is Buttercup's ideal carnival attraction; it's got the thrills, twists, turns, ups and downs.  And makes Bubbles sick.

     - the Ferris Wheel is Blossom's ideal carnival attraction; it's a staple of any fair, grand and big, overlooks everything, and traditionally romantic

YNB's favorite scene:

     Personally, I loved writing the whole exchange between Buttercup and Blossom in the car.  Establishing their rivalry, Buttercup's jealousy over Blossom's special power and heroism, Blossom's projection of her own insecurities, their differences, and their commonality. 

Final thoughts on the chapter:

     I was pretty satisfied with how it turned out but I did wait to post it until I had a decent headstart on chapter 2.  I was pretty nervous about whether or not I could stay personally committed to writing this fic so I just wanted to make sure I was really feeling it first, lol.  It had been so long since I'd written fanfic so I just needed to be sure.

     When I outlined everything I estimated the chapter length to be around 6-7k words... And I was surprised that it was double that at about 12k.  Which was wild because on my outline each opening chapter for Part 1, 2 and 3 were supposed to be shorter and more like preludes to everything else.  Well, I guess they ARE shorter chapters but STILL definitely longer than any chapter I used to write for my multichaptered stories.   At the time I thought "Ok obviously my writing has changed but surely I wont go much longer than 12k for future chapters...."  Hurr hurr.

     Personally, I was pretty proud of myself for spending so much time on it and rewriting it over and over and all that.  In the past, TBH whatever was my first draft was pretty much also my last draft haha.  I cranked out a chapter in one sitting usually and edited it mayyyybeee lol.  I just wanted to get it posted so I could move on and get to that next point in the story.   But I suppose now that I'm older and a bit more self aware, I realize a lot of my own anxieties manifest a lot in my writing though and I can recognize it in my old works like the OG Villain where I JUST WANNA GET TO WHAT I WANT TO WRITE RIGHT NOW OK??  I forced myself to slow the hell down this time, take it one scene at a time, and when things felt off I took breaks, slept on it for a few days and came back with new approaches or ideas.   And so far that's how I continue to work on it.

   Also, CHVRCHES.  I listened to a ton of that band while working on this chapter especially.

[paris-in-flames]

Jello and currant ❤❤

❤️❤️

currant— what bands/artists would you recommend atm?

Hmm, well, my undying love for Movements is still there, i'd super recommend them, Anti-flag is great and all their songs slap, YUNGBLUD hit me hard w/ Hope for The Underrated Youth, as a Frank Iero rat i gotta shoehorn LeATHERMØUTH in here and i've been vibing w/ some Bad Religion and NOFX thanks to spotify.

jello— vent about whatever is currently troubling you

Well, rn i'm supposed to be drawing everyday for a week and recording how i felt when doing so for therapy. I say supposed to because i'm not fucking doing it. I tried to back out of it, but she kept telling me how i could 'try'(even after i told her i tried to do the draw-every-day thing for inktober and failed on day three and that sometimes i can't draw for days) and that's how my ass landed me in my current situation. I could lie and say i forgot or i could lie that i did it and keep up my 'i am fine' bluff.

I just don't really vibe w/ her, but i need a concrete reason for my parents to change my therapist and since i'm the one who asked for a therapist i can't back down from wanting therapy or my parents will get on my ass and/or call it a fluke. Also, she keeps switching from painting it like it's a teenage phase to saying how i'm not alone and that she's there for me. Like, one, does she even listen? I told her that's what every fucking adult keeps telling me, literally broke down crying, and she still regugitates me this bs. And two, i got a support sistem. I got better people to be there for me. I got Phoenix and i got y'all to talk to. Profesional help is good, but honestly i will not text my therapist about how much i hate adults or how i want to run away(but not really 'cuz i'd fucking die) at 11 pm and especially not after barely two sessions.

I'm just really confused and stressed and anxious and as my highs keep getting higher my lows keep getting lower and all i fucking know for sure anymore is that adults are the last human beings i want to trust.

So, yeah, sorry, long vent