#IDK but thats the thing i hate about being a figure collector

[derpycatsu]

i bought a couple more figures recently girl what the hell am i gonna do with all the big ass boxes the top shelf in my closet only has so much room

[maschotch]

Nah nah nah nah bc I NEED to know what hotch's deal was with fire related cases??????? HE WAS ALWAYS WAY MORE EMOTIONAL IF IT WAS A FIRE BUT THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING WITH IT SO WHATS THE DEAL WITH THAT HUH?? there were at least 3 separate episodes w/ fire plots, all pretty far apart from each other, and he had pretty much the same reaction to each of them that isn't a coincidence like you know the writers did that on purpose I just wish they gave us more info abt it. ALSO I wish the team like cared more???? BC it's pretty obvious that he gets way more antsy during these cases are you telling me no one notices????? Such a wasted opportunity for more character interactions and I'll never forgive them for constantly depriving us of this. I miss Gideon.

ok but fr?? bc it goes unmentioned by eeeeeveryone except gideon and unnoticed by eeeeeeveryone at the bau (except emily in that one ep but they still kinda hated each other so she didnt say shit and just kinda forgot about it, and derek in that other ep but only in the “im gonna act upset and blame hotch for his problems bc idk how to address my own fears/concerns/trauma when it comes to the way i care about the lowkey-suicidal kinda-father-figure bc i have problems” way) which is insane to me considering they’re all profilers?? i think it’s partly bc they unknowingly avoid profiling hotch (either out of respect or discomfort) and partly bc they’ve grown complacent taking hotch’s usual stoicism and “unmovable object” energy for granted as a permanent, impermeable pillar in their lives, almost to the point where they dehumanize him. they don’t like questioning their grounding anchor’s potential for weaknesses bc they depend on his unshakable solidity for their own emotional wellbeing. it’s much easier to intentionally overlook his humanity when they use his unflappability for their own emotional recalibration. which is fucked up for hotch? he’s really gotta play the part of the cool collected unit chief at all times. but then, he’s already used to putting his emotional problems on the back burner. ANYWAY thats just my excuse for why NO ONE FUCKING SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT IT EVER

it’s subtle—bc most interesting things ab hotch are vague at best—but he really does act different during cases involving fire. he’s on edge, distracted, less patient, snippy, or vulnerable in uncharacteristic ways. saying “i wish the writers had given us more ab hotch’s backstory” is redundant at best, but all these hints painting a picture of tragedy makes me want to know mooooore. like.. what were they thinking?? did the writers have anything specific in mind or were they content w ambiguity? it really seems like such a waste, especially when he’s clearly had an apparently very busy life. southern mom, distant younger brother, an abusive father who died in at least three different ways, coin collector, theater kid, troubled teenager, boarding school, apprehension towards fire, following his father’s footsteps and becoming a very successful lawyer, getting bored of that and joining the fbi, working as an ambassador’s security detail, working overseas, networking across a variety of positions in every place imaginable, somehow finding time for swat training and becoming a sharpshooter, joining the bau in record time, being the bau’s encyclopedia of random shit before reid comes around, carrying the responsibility of the team on his back while gideon recuperates… there’s just.. so much they offhandedly mention he’s done without ever really exploring any of it in further detail. it’s frustrating!! give my boy a proper backstory!!

anyway im rambling lol i forgot what we were fucking talking about but YEAHHHHHH HOTCH AND FIRE

[the-kipsabian]

i am, up, for hearing you ramble about some of your ocs??? Maybe just some general things you have planned for some!! i am up for t h i s

ooooooof alRIGHTY YOU ASKED FOR IT

im gonna. go with a group of ocs tied into a story together cause its easier than picking some random ones and also cause i. love this group a whole lot tbh aaaaaAAAAAA

k so theres this group of kids called ‘supernatural nerds’, in a story together titled ‘hunters of fate’, which is basically just a modern supernatural setting with various beings alongside normal humans, like you have demons and witches and people with extraordinary powers and shapeshifters and a vampire. at least in this group so far, theres a whole lot of other beings appearing throughout the story but not really as a regular cast

as for main characters we have ada! shes a witch who owns a little witchy shop in the city, and has her workshop, where she brews her potions and performs other witch things she does, near the outskirts of the city. she also works with a local private detective (and her love interest cause ofc) to help him solve cases related to more supernatural happenings around the city and other places nearby

april is a vampire~ im not 100% sure yet how im gonna exactly fit her into the things, but shes definitely gonna be the spice of the city nightlife, so shes gonna bring up some trouble to the people already having to deal with the rest of the supernatural stuff running about tbh

aurora is a shapeshifter! she can turn into a chipmunk and back to a human at will, and she loves being mischievous and pulling pranks on people a lot tbh. especially since she can get away with it really easily by turning into a chipmunk and just disappearing, and as shes homeless, people dont really know how to locate her very easily

blair is a little of an odd one as im not entirely sure how im going to place him yet either, but he has a superpower of electronic disruption, which allows him to make stuff like machinery and lights go haywire and misfunction at will. which he uses a lot just to cause mayhem and general chaos in public, mostly cause he has a need for attention

blaire is also a witch, def friends with ada, i’d say they work quite a lot together and possibly co-own the witch shop in town too? im not entirely sure as im. also actively trying to sell this girl right now so im trying to not tie her down too much, but if i end up keeping her, that would probably be the plan!

brendan is the previously mentioned local private detective who ada works with, he mostly deals with the realms of the paranormal, in cases that other detectives wont take cause of their nature of being related to something more supernatural that seems to plague the city and its surroundings

brooke is blair’s sister, and a class a hacker. she can basically get into any system, personal or higher grade, if you just give her enough time. mostly she just uses her skill and the things she learns from hacking into people’s stuff, to track down her brother who she lost contact with, but if theres ever a chance to grab a little extra cash on the side selling the info she finds forward or anything like that, shes probably gonna take it. brooke isnt exactly the most morally high character tbh

declan is a soft rich pretty boi, working safely in his father’s company and stuff, tho he does have. a side job as an underground fighter lol. cause he wants to make a name of his own and not just lean on his father’s and whatnot, so he wants to make his own way of things

evan is a young boy, an “adopted” son of hunter. he just pretty much hates everything and everyone and loves to rebel cause “youre not my real dad” and well. hes not wrong (this is a whole big complicated spoiler-y story thing im not gonna get into right here and now but yeah. evan has issues with everything cause people are assholes mmmm)

faine! is a childhood friend of nates! shes an important character tbh, and shes a soft sweetie who will fist fight anyone who talks shit about her friends. shes a babe that loves pink, but also shes. kind of a sad character cause shes way too dedicated to nate and his stuff for her own good, and her backstory includes dead parents so heyyyy

hunter is a demon. and spoilers, responsible for the death of nate’s parents (which was technically ruled just as a car accident but welllllll). really his whole business is to just do demon stuff and make deals with people so he can either get them to do his bidding for him, or so that he can possess them or their souls to get shit he wants done done without having to involve himself in stuff. also yes hes technically evan’s “adoptive dad” cause evan’s parents sold him to hunter for riches

iris! my sweet little witch bean aaaa

kevinnnnnnn, nate’s boyfriend. somewhere down the line in canon, i havent exactly figured out where or when its gonna happen but its somewhere down there lol. i dont. have too much for him yet honestly? highly debating on giving him some sort of a more high profile career like maybe hes. a model or a small time actor or something. something more high key. idk but hes just. yeah he gay thats about it so far lol

narrator is a demon with the ability to see in the future of others. they do a little bit of fortune telling, tho its never straightforward told to people what they see, even if they do see some things in the future happening very clearly. they can only give out cryptic hints, stuff like ‘beware of the red eyes’ or something like that, giving out anything else will have dangerous consequences to the people who’s future he is telling tbh

nate my boi

nicolas is the second shapeshifter of the group! and is friends with aurora cause of that obviously yay ~ another homeless little dumpster diver, pretty much just like aurora, cause they constantly hang together and just enjoy making a mess together. i dont. have too much on him yet or where he fits into the story, but i love him nonetheless aaaaaa hes precious ~

aaaand finally! zakath! the third demon boi of the group! hes tied together with hunter (cough friends with benefits cough), as they work together closely - zakath is referred to as a ‘collector demon’, who takes the tasks of collecting what humans have promised to demons when making deal with them. thats for example how evan was brought into this whole mess, as zakath picked him up from his parents and brought him over to hunter who the humans had made a deal with to give him their first born child for monetary riches. he might have. some ulterior motives with things and hanging out with hunter tho, buuuuut story spoilers yay, so we dont talk about that now

that should be. everyone? this got long hhhhh i just. love my babies so much goshh i really need to write more for this story again at some point soon mmmmm

[nadiineross]

idk if you are still looking for prompts but I just thought of this one, so here you go: Nadine and Chloe are attending a party and have to arrive separately for some thief-y reason, and when Chloe sees Nadine walking in wearing a dapper ass bespoke suit she like, chokes on her champagne because holy shit soft butch Nadine?? Is so so hot??? Even if you can’t write it I just had to get that idea out into the world. Thx for listening!

listen……….. i actually have a wip thats set pre-tll from a year ago abt chloe meeting nadine at a fancy event and dying bc nadine looks So Good in her suit but i dunno where im gonna go with that so i just wrote a new thing so here u go:

Chloe would take mucking about in old ruins, dressed in a tattered old shirt and jeans, over attending a stuffy party in clothes that cost more than the rest of her wardrobe combined any day of the week.

She didn’t hate dressing up, she was actually rather good at it honestly, but she was the type of woman accustomed to tactile boots, ratty jeans, and heavy leather jackets. Still, she knew how to have her fun.

She took a certain joy out of shocking people in ways other than throwing a grenade at them — she’d done it with Nate when they first met, when she saved his arse not a day after kicking it, and even that first time with Flynn, before that whole Shambhala mess. (The times where she’d surprised him out of necessity didn’t count.)

The bottom line: she was bored, she looked amazing, and people were staring.

It was a corporate dinner party hosted in the biggest hall offered by the most expensive five-star hotel in England. This meant there were a lot of older white men milling around to impress which wasn’t what Chloe would call hard.

Her hair was twisted and pinned into an elaborate updo that had taken her an hour to finish. The dress she wore was burgundy and off-the-shoulder, scooping to reveal three-quarters of her wiry back. Fabric wound across her chest, exposing her collarbones, and around both her biceps. Button-sized red gems hung by intricate golden hooks from her ears, accompanied by less elaborate yet equally shiny jewellery through her second lobe piercings and her helix. In her nose, she had a single gold hoop. Her clutch was small and simple, and only contained her phone and some cash.

And, of course, she arrived barely under an hour late just to make a scene.

She’d made a beeline for the bar upon arriving and hadn’t moved an inch for the hour that she’d been there. Men and women alike had ventured near to brush by her elbows and many had attempted to strike a conversation with her, and the ones that were polite or interesting enough, she entertained.

A man, hair streaked with grey, eyed her from across the room. She fought not to roll her eyes and turned back to the bartender when she failed so he wouldn’t see.

“What’s the time, mate?” she asked, leaning over the table on her arms.

The bartender glanced at her watch. “Almost eight,” she said, topping off her glass of champagne.

Chloe sighed.

She knew Nadine had said she might be late, but two hours was just ridiculous.

They’d been together as partners for two years now and for half that time, they’ve been together as, well, whatever you called two people who flew around the world to find some treasure and then fucked wildly in a hotel room and departed again until the next time.

This time, they had been apart for almost a month and Chloe had been getting a little antsy in Nadine’s absence. She’d been scrambling to come up with jobs in an attempt to meet her again but Nadine had blocked them all with valid reason.

Finally, she found one with a good enough payoff to danger ratio that Nadine could not refuse: they were to find an architect who was under the employment of a filthy rich collector named Gregory Scripps and with the help of the floor plan of his home, they would rob him blind.

The architect, Cole Sanders, just so happened to be under contract with one of the big corporations sponsoring the event tonight. Scripps had been invited, his brother being an executive at the company that had hired Sanders.

Chloe’s part of the job was to get a general idea of what Scripps would have locked up in his to-be-constructed fortress of a home as well as nicking Sanders’ room card off of him so Nadine could sneak in to his room and steal the plans.

The woman in question was, evidently, feeling a bit sore about Chloe leaving her to wait in a war zone when they’d first met and was dishing out some revenge.

She knew for a fact Nadine’s plane from Johannesburg had landed barely a half hour after her’s from Darwin and Chloe had spent a good hour in her hotel room scrolling through her phone. She didn’t know what Nadine was getting up to in her free time, but she decided that there would be a stern exchange of words when she decided to actually show up.

Within the hour, she’d already talked to Scripps, the slimy bloke he was, and had formed a long list of things she’d have to steal from him just to patch her soul up after spending that time in his company.

And Nadine? Nowhere to be—

“Whoa,” the bartender gaped, eyes wide.

Chloe turned just to see what the racket was about, taking a slow sip of her champagne to seem uninterested.

Then, gracefully, like the refined woman she was, she choked and sputtered and nearly dribbled.

Nadine arrived, guarded eyes already boring into Chloe’s from across the room.

“Holy shit,” she wheezed, a napkin balled up in her fist.

Nadine was dressed in a three-piece suit, probably bespoke.

The bottom layer was a pale blue dress shirt, almost white if one didn’t pay close enough attention, and was buttoned up to the top until the stiff collars wrapped around the base of Nadine’s throat. Over it was a crisp black pinstriped vest, joined in the middle by three shiny buttons. The trousers and blazer were well-fitted to Nadine’s figure and similarly black and striped. The lapels of her suit were carefully cut and the material of her suit folding in ways that looked too deliberate to count as wrinkles, the shoulders sloping.

Her hair was untied, the curls and frizzes brushing the shoulders of her suit and tickling against her neck where the top of her scar was, the rest disappearing under the collar of her shirt. Her hair was a bit longer than the last time Chloe had seen her.

As Nadine approached, Chloe noticed that the suit wasn’t black, instead, it was a very dark grey, and that she wore a silver watch on one wrist and a plain silver ring on the middle finger of her left hand.

Chloe’s eyes didn’t know where to stay, so they just continued sweeping up and down Nadine’s body.

When Nadine stopped a step away, Chloe settled on her eyes, ringed with simple eyeliner.

“You’re late,” Chloe said, voice coming out raspier than she intended. She didn’t have the nerve to attempt another swig from her champagne.

“I took the long way,” she said, eyes flickering away from Chloe’s face to her dress, then back up. She swallowed. “You look… beautiful.”

Chloe would have blushed if she were the type. She pushed herself up to her feet, off the bar, and looked curiously at Nadine. “When did you get this?”

Nadine raised her eyebrow, head tilting ever so slightly. Chloe felt herself get a little wet—correction: a little wetter.

She reached out and hooked a finger under Nadine’s lapel, dragging the finger down to the top of her breast. “The suit. When did you get it?”

“Oh,” she said, looking down to where Chloe had her suit held in her hand, her thumb rubbing circles into the material. “This is old. You said we should dress to impress.”

“I know what I said,” Chloe scoffed, incredulous. “I’m dressed to impress. You are dressed to bloody murder me.”

Nadine laughed and pushed closer so Chloe had to move back into the table, the edge cold against her skin. She was shorter right now, her polished brown shoes incomparable to Chloe’s heels, but the air of authority that came with the outfit made Chloe want to bend over backwards for her.

Chloe figured she would do just about anything to and for Nadine right about now.

Nadine held a hand out in the space between them and smirked wider when Chloe took it immediately. The ring on Nadine’s finger pressed against Chloe’s hand.

“This isn’t a dancing kind of party, love,” Chloe said, allowing herself to be led into the crowd. “We could be doing something else tonight though.”

“We’re mingling. What else is there to do?”

Chloe scowled and yanked her around before she let go entirely. “What do you think?”

Nadine gave her a cursory glance before turning back to people watching over Chloe’s shoulder. “Where’s Scripps?”

“I spoke to him already,” Chloe said after a moment. If Nadine didn’t want to talk about whatever they were doing, then she wouldn’t press. She didn’t exactly know how fragile they were and wasn’t about to accidentally break it off by forcing a discussion.

“Hm.” Nadine twisted her lips in thought. Chloe resisted the urge to wrap a hand around the back of Nadine’s neck and drag her in for a kiss. “And Sanders?”

“Your eight.”

Nadine turned them towards him with a firm hand on Chloe’s bare skin. Once she saw Sanders, they moved closer to him and then bypassed him entirely only a moment later. Without stopping, Nadine led them towards the elevators near the lobby.

“I’ll go,” Chloe said. “I’m tired of those corporate types.”

“Are you sure?”

Chloe rolled her eyes and waved the key card she’d slipped from Sanders’ pocket between her index and middle finger. “I’ve gotten this far without your help.”

The elevator arrived before Nadine could say anything smart in response.

Chloe made it quick; up to the seventh floor, into his room, and back down, the picture of the Scripps mansion layouts in her camera roll. She’d even gotten quick snaps of Sanders’ other jobs in case they were ever in a tight spot and needed a rich home or two to rob.

She shot off a quick text to Nadine, not waiting for a reply before she tucked her phone back into her purse.

Nadine was waiting for her when the elevator door opened, her blazer hanging over her shoulder, showing off her wonderfully bulging forearms from the bottoms of her folded sleeves. She jerked her head to the bathrooms.

When they were inside, Chloe moved to the sinks in the guise of touching up her lipstick while Nadine bent to look under the stalls. Empty.

She stood behind Chloe, close enough for Chloe to feel the top of her blazer brush against her back.

Chloe moved her head to the side, looking down at her own shoulder, then, to spy Nadine out the corner of her eye. “Yes?”

“Did you get it?”

Chloe rolled her eyes and shook her clutch in the air. “Yes, you doubt me?”

Nadine took it and pocketed it into her blazer, smiling. “Never.”

“Liar.”

“Makes two, hey.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Chloe. “I’ve never lied to anyone about anything ever in my life.”

Nadine snorted and reached up to rake her fingers through her hair, moving it one way, then the other.

Chloe turned suddenly. She pulled Nadine’s arm away from her own head and gripped tightly, walking them into the wall by the stalls. She used her other hand to cup Nadine’s cheek, and then she kissed her, hard and open-mouthed.

Nadine’s lips were parted and curved into a smile. She placed a warm hand on the curve of Chloe’s lower back, her thumb pushing into the skin just above her dress.

When they pulled apart, Chloe sucked in a breath and grinned. Nadine just opened her eyes and smiled back, one hand on Chloe, the other in the pocket of her trousers. Chloe wanted to laugh at the whole thing.

“Hello,” she whispered, pecking the corner of Nadine’s mouth.

“Hi.”

“How was this past month?”

“Good.”

“In the mood for single word replies, are you?” Chloe asked. Nadine looked amused at that. “I can see—feel—that you’ve been working out.”

She gave Nadine’s arm a squeeze. Nadine hummed. “Ja.” A beat. “Nice to have work to do though.”

Chloe placed both her hands on Nadine’s front, deftly working the top three buttons so she could touch Nadine’s bare chest, and leaned in. “Did you miss it?”

Nadine watched her, carefully. Then, tentatively, she stilled Chloe’s hands over her scar and gripped them gently.

“I missed you.”

Instantly, Chloe grinned and curved her fingers around Nadine’s. “Oh god, me too.” She kissed Nadine again, relieved. “Meet me outside? I have a key card to return.”

Nadine huffed a laugh when Chloe took her blazer to drape around herself and nodded her assent.

It was November at the moment, the night air harsh and frigid enough to pull a faint mist from Nadine’s mouth every time she breathed out. Chloe stared at her for a moment after she had slipped the card back into Sanders’ pocket and entered the lobby in search of Nadine.

The sleeves of her dress shirt were rolled back down to her wrists and her vest was buttoned properly up. The shirt was still left open, the collar jutting out from the smoothness of her vest. It gave her a sharper look, her profile cutting into lines and obtuse angles. Her hands were in her pockets, examining her shoes as she rolled on the balls of her feet.

She looked vaguely like a teenager waiting outside for their date to the prom, gathering the nerve to actually knock on the door.

It was then that she looked up, catching Chloe through the glinting windows, and she smiled softly with no teeth. Chloe’s heart sped up and she twiddled her fingers in a wave, joining her outside a second later. She returned Nadine’s blazer, having gotten her own coat back from coat check earlier.

Nadine offered her an arm to take, leaving her blazer unbuttoned.

The walk to Chloe’s hotel started silently, apart from the occasional car speeding by. There was a bridge they had to cross, but Chloe stopped in the middle and looked out over the river.

“Nadine.”

“Yes.”

Chloe inhaled sharply and steeled herself, and very slowly she turned with her arms held out. They weren’t too high, because Chloe felt a bit embarrassed about this to begin with, but they were high enough to look awkward if nothing happened.

Nadine wound her arms around Chloe’s middle, thank god for that. Chloe slung her own around Nadine’s neck and sighed into her hair. She was engulfed in warmth and she didn’t want to leave it.

“Can you stay in London a bit longer?” Chloe asked. “I missed you.”

She felt Nadine nod against her. Then: “We should talk. About this, I mean.”

“We will.”

“Okay.”

Chloe pulled away. “Okay,” she replied and pressed a kiss to Nadine’s cheek. “Let’s get going then. A warm and empty hotel room is waiting for us.”

“Of course.” Nadine laughed and once again gave her an arm to grab onto.

This whole dapper gentlewoman thing, well, Chloe would miss it sorely when she inevitably stripped it off Nadine later. For now, she was going to indulge herself.

[sonic06apologist]

this is me complaining and being stupid cause it just stupid whining and overthinking whatever like ay one thing ive always noticed about myself that i hate is how picky i am in like life and everything basically and like so its weird saying “hey i made a new friend” while in my 20s but yea i made a new friend at work cause he saw me playin mega man during lunch so now we eating lunch n talking about games n stuff n its great its like wow i have something to look forward to at work besides a paycheck for once which is neat cause we have a VERY similar taste in games anyways he’s also a collector like me n wants to collect more special edition games n figures n stuff but he was tellin me how his gf wont let him since they moved in n she doesnt wanna live n a nerd household or whatever i guess “VIDEO GAMES ARE FOR KIDS” and like im def to early in this friendship to say something about it but YO BRO THATS FUCKED UP WHY ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE THAT WONT LET U BE U and it got me thinking more dumb stuff like how a friend of mine started liking a girl too n about to ask her out n i dont know her that well but i do know they both really like music a lot n yeah i can see those two working out but now im like man im picky as fuck like i love collecting the stupidest ship ppl find “those are for kids” I JUST LOVE VIDEO GAMES I WANNA COLLECT THE COOL SHIT I WANNA HAVE THAT STUFF ON DISPLAY like i still remember somethin a different friend said to me that still stung that was like “man if you actually decorate ur house in gamer stuff im judgin u” LIKE FUCK U BUDY N UR STUPID ARTSY SHIT AROUND UR PLACE ITS RANDOM SQUIGGLES KEAVE ME ALONE but anyway cause im like a lonely bastard im just like also thinkin bout how picky i am and like shit this is why im single probably its weird like itd be cool to have a gf but a few of the past ones i had i realized damn if i stuck with them someone id be in that situation where i couldnt have cool shit that i like and fuck that idk why im typing this out sorry ppl on mobile idk if read mores work there but, where the gamer girls at hmu

[10071991]

Lynn:

23:17

The counselor has joined the conversation.

Lynn:

23:17

Hi, welcome to Lifeline

Lynn:

23:19

Are you there?

Anonymous9806:

23:22

oh sorry

Lynn:

23:23

Hi there

Anonymous9806:

23:23

hi

Lynn:

23:23

Sorry about the wait

Anonymous9806:

23:23

im sorry the thing doesnt make a noise so i was trying to get some stuff sorted out and i didnt realize anyone was ready

Anonymous9806:

23:23

it ok

Lynn:

23:24

So what brings you here tonight?

Anonymous9806:

23:25

i dont feel well

Lynn:

23:26

How so?

Anonymous9806:

23:27

im very sad

Lynn:

23:27

Over what?

Anonymous9806:

23:27

everyone around me hates me

Lynn:

23:28

Can you tell me more about what's making you feel that way?

Anonymous9806:

23:28

but i cant be who they want me to be to make it stop

Lynn:

23:28

Who do you think they want you to be?

Anonymous9806:

23:29

my family yells at me and doesnt listen to me when i try to explain

Anonymous9806:

23:29

not me at least, but they dont listen to me when i try to explain why im me

Anonymous9806:

23:30

they tell me to kill myself and that im not a person

Anonymous9806:

23:30

theyll scream in public and disturb the neighbors

Lynn:

23:30

Your family says that??

Anonymous9806:

23:30

yes

Lynn:

23:30

Wow. It doesn't sound like you're the problem there.

Anonymous9806:

23:31

and im a dumb cunt, the stupidest, how could i be one of them, im a drain on society, i deserve to have my things destroyed

Anonymous9806:

23:32

but i have to be because why would everyone else treat me this way? i dont know anybody who doesnt act like ive done something awful to them but i dont understand why im so awful for needing help and i dont know how to help myself understand

Lynn:

23:33

That's awful and no one deserves to be treated that way

Anonymous9806:

23:33

dad says my cats should be killed too and the kitten i was fostering from the humane societys head should be ripped off

Anonymous9806:

23:33

he says i do

Lynn:

23:34

Do you live with them?

Anonymous9806:

23:34

he says hes tired, i quote, of me "treating him like a n*****"

Lynn:

23:34

Wow...

Anonymous9806:

23:34

i live with dad and ive lived with my uncle before

Anonymous9806:

23:35

so when he destroys my stuff dad says "the n* is pissed" as his justification

Anonymous9806:

23:35

we are white

Anonymous9806:

23:36

and if i try to calmly say "lets talk about your concerns" or something like they taught me in therapy, he just goes even more ballistic, and screams at me to shut up, and says its my fault hes mad and gets more mad

Lynn:

23:36

That sounds terrifying

Lynn:

23:36

How long has he been like this towards you?

Anonymous9806:

23:36

then hell say stuff like theres something wrong with me, i cant follow instructions, i cant do this or that, im stupid and stuff..... but then says theres nothing wrong with me so i should be capable of stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:37

yeah its scary his gf says she thinks its scary too so when he starts shell leave after a while

Anonymous9806:

23:37

uhhhh a few months? mom died in march so 4 months?

Lynn:

23:37

This started right after your mom died?

Anonymous9806:

23:37

it happens 1-3 times a week

Anonymous9806:

23:38

yeah when i moved in with him

Anonymous9806:

23:38

he says terrible things about her too

Lynn:

23:38

Do you think it could be grief that he's mishandling?

Anonymous9806:

23:38

no

Lynn:

23:38

Ok

Anonymous9806:

23:38

he treated her like this too

Lynn:

23:38

Is there anywhere else you an go?

Anonymous9806:

23:38

when she was alive

Anonymous9806:

23:38

no

Lynn:

23:39

*Can* sorry

Anonymous9806:

23:39

no one believes me but im disabled

Anonymous9806:

23:39

so they blame me bc i deserve it all bc i havent been working since mom died

Anonymous9806:

23:40

im supposed to go to school i think in a couple weeks if they help me figure out a dumb hangup thats happened with it

Anonymous9806:

23:40

im hoping i can do it bc i dropped out of high school bc it was hard

Lynn:

23:41

I get that, but it could help you get a job in the longrun that will allow you to get away from him.

Lynn:

23:42

In what way are you disabled?

Anonymous9806:

23:42

im autistic and mentally ill, i have really bad legs too

Anonymous9806:

23:43

ive been institutionalized numerous times and ppl threaten me with it

Anonymous9806:

23:43

i hate it a lot so i hope i dont say anything so you dont have to put me somewhere

Anonymous9806:

23:44

this is my first time using a support chat and thats scared me from using it before

Lynn:

23:44

I don't have the authority to put you anywhere, so no worries about that.

Anonymous9806:

23:45

oh im sorry i should have clarified im "high functioning" aspergers so my strength is linguistic

Anonymous9806:

23:45

im relieved

Anonymous9806:

23:46

if i flap or rock or pace i get in trouble

Anonymous9806:

23:46

so i try to stim swinging at the park so nobody realizes im doing it as much

Anonymous9806:

23:46

its not as obvious i mean

Lynn:

23:47

Right

Anonymous9806:

23:47

so it gets hard if im in public otherwise bc i want to but i dont want to bc i dont want people to treat me weird like family does

Lynn:

23:48

I can understand that.

Lynn:

23:48

Do you feel like you're in physical danger there?

Anonymous9806:

23:49

i dont know

Anonymous9806:

23:49

i worry about my computer and my cats but i dont care if im threatened

Anonymous9806:

23:51

i guess maybe he threatened me the other night? he put his fist close in my face and was like "now im threatening you" after i told him he was getting violent

Anonymous9806:

23:51

throwing things and destroying property is violent to me but maybe im wrong

Lynn:

23:51

That sounds violent to me.

Lynn:

23:52

Have you considered calling the police when he gets like that? I'm afraid of you getting hurt.

Anonymous9806:

23:52

yeah like way across the room and stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:52

ive told HIM to call the police when hes screaming at me to get out of his house and stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:53

otherwise if they try and have me press charges or something i have nowhere else to go or anything

Lynn:

23:54

Ok, I just want to make sure you're physically safe

Lynn:

23:54

I am so sorry about how he treats you, though, that's horrible.

Anonymous9806:

23:55

its my fault but i dont know how to change and be more quiet

Lynn:

23:55

It's not your fault. He needs to be more understanding of your condition.

Anonymous9806:

23:56

nobody is

Lynn:

23:56

That's such a horrible position to be in.

Anonymous9806:

23:56

i tried to bring a chair upstairs the other day, and it was so heavy? but i didnt have help and if i didnt do it hed punish me. i got so exhausted i passed out at the top of the stairs

Anonymous9806:

23:57

so tonight i was being mimicked with like..... you know that whimpering "hng hng hng" people do to make fun of people? that about it

Anonymous9806:

23:57

ive also fallen down the stairs because he ripped the bar off at the landing

Anonymous9806:

23:58

and i was screamed at for being lazy and not doing my volunteer work at the humane society bc i sprained my ankle and knee

Anonymous9806:

23:58

its been uhhhh a week and it still hurts a lot

Anonymous9806:

23:58

but im told i have to go through pain and im weak

Lynn:

23:58

Yeah, that sounds really painful

Anonymous9806:

23:59

i have to do things that cause me physical agony

Anonymous9806:

23:59

im sorry if that sounds extreme im not just uhh. i cant remember the word for making something sound worse? im not just trying to make it sound worse it hurts so bad i just want my legs amputated a lot

Anonymous9806:

23:59

if they were gone they wouldnt hurt

Lynn:

00:00

You might try calling 211 to see if they have any resources to help someone with special needs find employment, find housing etc. to try to help you be more independent and get out of there.

Anonymous9806:

00:00

but then im scolded and called a dumbass and im trying to "become a drug addict" trying to find a solution to my pain

Lynn:

00:00

You should not have to put up with being treated that way.

Anonymous9806:

00:01

ive tried to work with vocational rehab before but they kind of get to a point where they get to buck up too

Anonymous9806:

00:02

it was through them i became a debt collector because we thought it wouldnt hurt my legs and idk, they figured i could handle talking to people constantly but

Anonymous9806:

00:02

i coudlnt

Anonymous9806:

00:02

people would call me fat and an asshole and im ruining their life and stuff in that job, and people would do it in tech support jobs ive tried before

Anonymous9806:

00:03

but debt collecting was the worst and im sorry i feel weird saying this but in that job it.... kinda turned into something similar to what you do here? i talked a guy out of suicide on the phone and it was really triggering

Anonymous9806:

00:03

i dont want to be around people and thats why i volunteer at the humane society because the animals dont yell at me

Anonymous9806:

00:04

or trigger me really

Anonymous9806:

00:05

and then it also gets hard bc ive been struggling a lot more with stuff. applying for college and trying to get financial aid and sign up for classes and stuff has been a nightmare because i haavent figured out howto navigate their websites and stuff, my friend.... um. shes also named lyn. but shes helped me every step of the way. every step has felt like a hurdle

Lynn:

00:07

If you want help I can let social services know what's going on, but I would need your information so I can tell them who you are and where to go.

Anonymous9806:

00:08

what kind of social services? like someone that would help me figure out how to sign up for college classes and stuff or help me make doctor appointments and stuff like that?

Anonymous9806:

00:08

that would help me

Anonymous9806:

00:09

i feel bad for lyn helping me figure stuff out all the time but i need help understanding it

Lynn:

00:09

211 might be able to help with that, but no, I mean DHR to help make your dad stop hurting you like this.

Anonymous9806:

00:09

when i get frustrated i cry and have meltdowns and stuff and then that doesnt make situations better

Anonymous9806:

00:10

oohhh ok. i dont know what dhr means?

Anonymous9806:

00:10

but if im living at his place hes allowed to treat me how he wants to or ill be homeless

Lynn:

00:10

What he's doing is verbal and mental abuse and DHR would get the state involved to investigate and monitor the situation. No, he is not allowed to do that.

Anonymous9806:

00:11

i dont care much about me, been there done that, but my cats i love and i dont want them to not be cared for

Anonymous9806:

00:11

even if i dont pay rent...?

Anonymous9806:

00:11

if i.... have recordings.... does that help...?

Lynn:

00:11

It could, yes.

Anonymous9806:

00:12

he got mad and threw my phone at me the other night because "im so stupid bc im always on it" but uh. its hyper vigilance i guess that if he starts screaming i start recording

Lynn:

00:13

Your autism is documented right?

Anonymous9806:

00:13

um... would they be able to talk to me.... and not involve him yet...? its a situation where i dont know if it would do more harm than good? but maybe they could help me like. i dont know....

Anonymous9806:

00:13

yeah it should be on file at uhhh

Lynn:

00:13

I don't need to know where

Lynn:

00:13

It's ok, just so long as it's somewhere.

Anonymous9806:

00:13

when you say documented you mean my doctors and therapists ive had are aware of it?

Lynn:

00:14

Yes

Lynn:

00:14

Do you still have a therapist?

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i moved from a different state but they could probably send papers and stuff? i had dbt therapy there

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i miss it

Anonymous9806:

00:14

no, i havent been able to find one that accepts my insurance but also accepts new patients

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i tried to find grief counseling too for my mom

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i miss my mom

Anonymous9806:

00:15

she understood me

Lynn:

00:15

I'm so sorry you lost her.

Anonymous9806:

00:15

thank you for your condolences

Lynn:

00:16

Of course

Anonymous9806:

00:16

i cry because i miss her every day but i dont know how to stop missing her

Anonymous9806:

00:17

dd sys he gave me three weeks before cutting into me so i could grieve but i dont think even after three years ill be done with it

Anonymous9806:

00:17

or 30 or 300

Lynn:

00:17

Before cutting into you?

Anonymous9806:

00:17

yelling at me and stuff

Anonymous9806:

00:18

im sorry i didnt mean literally

Anonymous9806:

00:18

im scared of knives so im glad not literally lol

Lynn:

00:19

So that means he can control it.

Anonymous9806:

00:20

when he gets drunk theres no controlling anything i dont think? even if i try there doesnt seem to be rationalizing but my idea of rational and other peoples i guess is different

Anonymous9806:

00:21

his girlfriend says hes an asshole when hes drinking tequila

Lynn:

00:23

I don't know what DHR will do, if anything, but do you want me to call them for you?

Anonymous9806:

00:23

um

Anonymous9806:

00:24

would they let you ask them questions?

Anonymous9806:

00:24

or would we get in trouble for wasting their time?

Anonymous9806:

00:24

i say we because youd be asking for me but i dont want to get you in trouble

Lynn:

00:25

No, not at all. Because of your autism what he's doing is illegal, it's verbal and mental abuse.

Anonymous9806:

00:26

even if im 'high functioning"?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

even if im 'high functioning"?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

dont like those terms but that helps ppl understand what i mean i think

Anonymous9806:

00:26

like i was a "gifted student" but.... i dropped out of school and stuff

Lynn:

00:26

Does he have legal rights over you, like guardianship?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

oh im sorry i didnt mean to send the one thing twice

Anonymous9806:

00:27

i dont think so, i was an adult when we found out? because im "high" im kind of left to me but it doesnt mean its not..... really hard...

Anonymous9806:

00:28

i didnt have anywhere to go when our room mates bailed on us (im blamed for this too but it wasnt my faul my room mate lost her job) so i had to come here when mom died a week after i left the state

Anonymous9806:

00:29

i was her caregiver because im more able bodied than her with final stage copd, and otherwise myuncle wanted her to be put in a nursing home but i didnt want that, so i tried to take care of her as best as i could but its hard bc i cant take very good care of me i guess

Anonymous9806:

00:29

she probably wouldnt have died if id been better

Anonymous9806:

00:31

if we didnt go to colorado with our room mates i mean

Lynn:

00:31

No, that wasn't your fault. I'm sure she was grateful and you did a great job with her.

Anonymous9806:

00:31

but i made the bad decision to go with them so we could afford rent

Anonymous9806:

00:32

well.... she didnt want me to leave? i think she liked being with me

Anonymous9806:

00:33

when she broke ribs falling out of her bed once she had to stay in a nursing home for a month and the food was so so bad so she liked if i baked some stuff if i felt well enough to

Anonymous9806:

00:33

like liver in a gelatin served with broccoli bad

Lynn:

00:33

Oh wow, yeah. That does not sound good

Anonymous9806:

00:34

i guess im biased but id take my shake and bake over that too lol

Lynn:

00:34

Lol, for sure!

Anonymous9806:

00:34

so id smuggle her in some food when id visitor

Anonymous9806:

00:34

*visit her

Lynn:

00:34

That was nice of you

Anonymous9806:

00:34

she liked little debbie nutty bars a lot, and coca cola

Anonymous9806:

00:36

and she didnt like usual "old people" stuff i guess? she liked watching shows on her amazon fire stick, so shed make the trip from the bed to the stuffed armchair she had, turn that on, and then i was on call when she needed me for stuff, and the cats would come and go but they liked to sleep on her bed a lot lol

Anonymous9806:

00:36

i hope it wasnt a bad life for her

Lynn:

00:37

So what do you think about getting some help with your dad?

Anonymous9806:

00:38

it would be nice, but i dont know if it would be beneficial or waste everyones time. if i cant stay here then i have nowhere to go, and my cats dont, so im worried

Anonymous9806:

00:39

would someone be able to talk to me first so we could figure out if its worthwhile? im so worried they wont believe me either and then ill be in more trouble and everyone just wasted time and resources

Lynn:

00:39

Ok, if you don't want to give me your information I understand that, but look up adult protective services in your area or call 211 so you can ask what you need to and decide what you want to do. You don't have to let him treat you like this.

Anonymous9806:

00:40

im sorry im not trying to cause problems for you or um. make it seem like im turning my nose up at your health i appreciate you

Lynn:

00:40

Just explain to whoever you talk to why you're so scared and ask for them to help you make sure he doesn't make things worse for you.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

okay, thanks so much! i will do this when hes not around to hear me

Lynn:

00:41

You're not at all. Your concerns are valid, I'm just trying to give you ways to find help.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

thank you

Lynn:

00:41

Ok, good. Please do call them. You don't deserve this.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

ive just been so sad

Lynn:

00:41

You're welcome!

Lynn:

00:42

I know and I get why.

Anonymous9806:

00:42

ive been overwhelmed and it doesnt help to be screamed at

Lynn:

00:42

No, it doesn't.

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE