#Im emotionally and physically ill
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I just beat Mad Rat Dead and ugly cried at the ending. The game is so good you guys.....
#dia talks#mad rat dead#ill stream in a bit tonight i just need to recover emotionally and physically from Mad Rat Dead...#5 years later and i finally got around to playing it and im so happy i did#that mad rat dead fan animation made me fall in love with the music and the game#so im glad this checklist has been finished aaaahhhhhh#Mad Rat and Heart I love you both so so much
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i have no mouth and i must scream speech but for about insomnia hate hate hate let me tell you how much i have come to hate being awake
#took half an expired tops brand unisom . wheeeee medicine that does nothing and then the next day you're groggy for twelve hours#but i have to do SOMEthing if i don't Try to make myself sleep that's Giving Up and if you Give Up . well#this is the second week in a row that ive failed to sleep on a night leading into the work week and i know most of the external reasons why#like. busy day tomorrow so anxious. haven't given myself a full weekend in a really long time so strung out.#had important stuff to do earlier that didn't happen so dwelling on that. woke up at 9am and wasn't out of bed until ten thirty so like#i got more than adequate sleep last night but this does not make me feel less worried about NOT sleeping TONIGHT#because again. every time i have a night of big insomnia im convinced that it's the beginning of an unending trend#that will make me wind up like my mother who is lucky she gets more than three hours of sleep every couple of weeks#and while she's done this her whole life qnd has adjusted to it (as much as a body can) i just know. based on how insomnia is for me#that i never could. it would be exactly as terrible every time i would never be able to be calm while it was happening#anyway everybody send me your best knockout gas#AND. it's SNOWING. fuck everything i hate it all#tomorrow im gonna be groggy as hell and have to drive to work and back and have to be With It bc we're doing activities and shit#and have to be like the model of library enthusiasm when i barely have that on a good day. and not actually physically groan#every time someone new wants a card because it means i have to interrupt what im doing dor the next fifteen minutes to say a spiel#i know i shouldn't hate that i should be glad we're getting engagement. and i am. i just wish i wasn't the one at the desk#and im not good at keeping that off of my face or being welcoming when i dont feel welcoming#i haven't gotten to do processing at my actual office desk in months. haven't gotten to be Off The Floor#which certainly hasn't helped my overall stress levels. i need to not be socially on so much it's slowly pulling me apart#and then i get home wnd im too tired to do anything and my house also falls apart around me#but if i DON'T have outings i also rot . there's no solution to this problem. not without quitting my job which ill never do#bc in today's market id never get anything half as good as this ever again. and as has been established. this relatively good job#is still not good enough for me not to be emotionally and mentally falling apart
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Currently feeling the menty illness over how the Not-things didn't just use The Doctor's and Donna's fear and insecurity against them, but also their desires, and how badly what The Doctor wants is to be Known by Donna and how badly what Donna wants is to have The Doctor in her life and for him to WANT to be in her life. I'm gonna go fucking stand in the corner a la Blair witch about it
#dw spoilers#doctor who#donna noble#tennant doctor#thinking about not!doctor trying manipulate her by saying things like he would love to see wilf again and#yes of COURSE he wants the chance to get to know shaun#IM ILL PHYSICALLY EMOTIONALLY SPIRTUALLY!!!#wild blue wonder
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#haikaveh#kavetham#for this specific purpose doesnt really matter#ill delete this if i ever color it but if i dont thats why its here#theres a thing kinda like h*nahaki in real you know?#its when the emotionally delayed fail to realize and handle their emotions and it all builds up until they become physically ill#it happens and its real and im telling you its a great idea#i mean i like it#not as the victim ofc i mean its fun to shoot your faves 27 times in the chest. do you see the potential#am i tripping or am i spitting#im spitting!!! think of it!! after kavetham fallout thoomi's feelings dam overflows and he gets really sick because he loves kavi#epic bonus he still doesnt realise because hes delirious from fever HELL YEAH#yeah or yeah? great idea right? i know youre welcome
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watching a video and someone went like "she died because she 'lost the will to live'. if she had died from an ACTUAL MENTAL ILLNESS that would be fine, but instead she just 'lost the will to live'" like 1- what do you think depression is. 2- this is why focusing on the label rather than the actual state of existence will always be ableist and harmful. not everyone is given the language for that shit
#the source of the condition DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER when the experience is the same#and that will ALWAYS be a part of my philosophy#with transness with mental illness with physical illness even#I'm not Deaf in any capacity. but my mom and i relate A LOT about how hard it is to understand strangers#because she is Deaf and I have audio processing disorder so strangers who mumble we just struggle to understand#acting like im not allowed to complain about my hearing simply because im not Deaf is fucking dumb as rocks#i still come up against obstacles to communication and understanding. notably far fewer than her but it's still a PROBLEM for me#i was treated far kinder by communities that said 'ok- you don't know if you're one of us. but you have a problem and here's what can help'#than ones who went 'umm you don't have a Diagnosis that means you can't possibly have Symptom whatsoever'#like man.... what do you think causes a diagnosis to happen in the first place.........#also with depression i do not doubt that literally nobody found out bc this girl is a literal PRINCESS. she was raised in politics#could never show emotions if she wanted to and didn't have people to just Talk Feelings with. she had to be Professional!#and when she was ready to give up she didn't wait or tell anyone she just did. she just kept quiet and nobody noticed#I've experienced that before!!! only difference is i was caught during the actual act#its not weird for an emotionally neglected child forced into politics to not have anyone be aware of her mental state#its not weird for her to not have the language for diagnosis#especially when the film came out in like THE 90S???? YOU THINK A 90S FILM WOULD NAMEDROP DEPRESSION AS A DIAGNOSIS????#THEY'D ONLY HAD THE DIAGNOSIS AS A THING FOR LIKE. BARELY EVEN TWO DECADES BY THAT POINT#I STILL SEE FILMS MADE BY PEOPLE CONVINCED DISSASSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER DOESN'T EXIST AT ALL
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#// withering in my chair because i have to start clearing out 95% of what i own#which is both a taxing physical task and means ill have not shit when i move#but buying a new bed is cheaper than uhaul#and the only people who are able to help take me down there (who offered) are being concerningly quiet when i have to move in A Month#bc otherwise i have to sign a new lease or get a hotel#so idk when the move day is idk how ill get rid of a lot of stuff#and all this while not knowing if my grandma will make it that long#plus working and walking to get my groceries and social media being a pit of despair either from the country falling apart#knowing i take in so much less per month#not knowing when this damn money is going to come in#think im at my limit#sorry for the tag essay btw i didnt realize it was gonna be this long#im just about out of the emergency anxiety meds they gave me which is fucked up bc the anxiety is eating me to pieces#which has ramped up my drinking as well#i dont like who i am!! or the situation im in!!!!!!! being alive is getting to be very taxing on me emotionally
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Pspsps
You doing AF this year? 🥺
ill be trying my best 😔 oTL
#im not updating refs or anythinggggg i dont thinkkkk#ill do my best to attack mutuals and revenge but 😔 im emotionally unwell and physically and mentally occupied bc of SCHOOL oTL#thank fuck though the boy of the hour'll be gone for like a week ☝️ for that week ill try my hardest to attack everyone#i . am not going to complain about him here . bc im actually mentally well. and not the most bipolar bitch on the planet.#anyway ☝️ maybe dont expect anything but ill try my bestest to attack uuuu 🫶 i really want toooo 🫶#but school is hard :( and this boy is sooo good at pissing me off.. hes literally just like me we never shouldve met#there should never be two of me in a room im the stubbornest asshole. but also im the funniest person on the planet. ugh.
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doctor prescriped me some new meds to help w pots. excited to see if they work!!! im picking them up tmrw
#im so exhausted it was a HORRENDOUS appointment but luckily my social worker was w me and helped advocate for myself#ill be getting a referral to a different hospital but not until i hve the mental capacity again bcos this took me OUT both emotionally and#physically for a while :(#how r u all doing? i miss u<3#nohr.txt
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oh tobias vulpine when i fucking find you (positive)
#deltarune spoilers#i dont think im gonna be able to do chapter 4 after this. im gonna actually have to take a break like he said to do#i cant handle it. like ill die emotionally and physically (because it is 12:30 am)
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I will probably die today after consuming excess sugar but it is FULLY worth it for Queen Annes Cherries.
#Two boxes. My family keeps getting me them in December because I love them but holy shit I feel Horrible rn#physical I may die#Emotionally I am on cloud nine#Im deeply ill and I have only myself to blame.
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I would really love for my body to figure out how to let me feel emotions instead of shutting down whenever they're mentioned
#FND#Vent#im mostly talking about physically (i thought about talking to someone about how im feeling so instead im going to pass out 10 times#in 2 minutes)#but also just emotionally i hit a wall and cannot tell what i was feeling#i want to be more open and vulnerable#but i am hard wired to resist it#svampp posts#vents#medical vent#functional neurological disorder#fnd awareness#invisible disability#chronic illness
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Ohhh my god period cramps turn me into a whole new man. Im fighting out here full ibuprofen dose worst headache of my life cramps only slightly dampened i wish i had money i wish i was in the body i need to be in but its unattainable so im stuck in a cyclical, unpredictable, exhausting hell of menstruation
#vent#sorry chat im fighting for my life#i am going to be honest for the procedures i want id have to lose weight and manage my eating better#and id need so much money and so many referrals#i dont think ill ever get it. i dont think ots worth doing anything but dreaming#but i want hysto and an oophprectomy. and i want meta with scrotoplasty and urethral lengthening#and maybe monsplasty but honestly i do not mind that much ive always been a tiny hidden dick soldier#but then i would need to deal w my chest at some point. people usually get top then bottom but like#top surgery is for others perception of me. bottom would be for me and me alone#gah ive just been feeling so dysphoric lately and my periods making it so much worse emotionally and physically#every cramp reminds me that my body isnt my own to modify at my will. im stuck like this#aaughhhhh and i keeo reading that hysto/oopho will help yoir hormone levels too#i hatw that i need to take birth control too btw bc even if it helps immensly its just more estrogen in me#im never gonna stop looking like a girl. ill just become progressively 'uglier' girls until i die#to anyone who sees me out of context im just a girl and its so frustrating
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flipping people off tic they could never make me like you.
#GENUINELY about to blow a fuse. i hate tics.#if anyone tells me “oh hahah so you can flip people off whenever you want and blame it on ___? that's so lucky!!” im going to kill someone#ive had tics for years but only in the past year or two have they become more noticeable and self-injuring. especially since june/july.#i cant get diagnosed with anything. on the occasion that i asked i just say i have tics and leave it at that. there is literally nothing#else i can do#and i cant even tic freely at school around friends who know about this.#if a teacher catches on or thinks i could be on drugs and asks/contacts my parents about it im fucked. if a friend accidentally tells a pare#nt about it im fucked. if my BROTHER tells my parents im fucked.#like dont get me wrong. they arent shitty people and they ARE compassionate and sympathetic.#they just arent empathetic. they cannot put themselves in others shoes ESPECIALLY relating to things like anxiety & mental illness#& disability.#at one point my brother told my mom that he thought he might have ADHD. she immediately got pretty mad and went off with the whole “you're t#he same as me now/when i was a kid and //I// dont have ADHD.“ like ffs.#and honestly i might be worse off. i cant help but suspect that because im “smart” and “gifted” that to them#i cant POSSIBLY have anything wrong with me mentally or physically or emotionally. ESPECIALLY when its something that has the stigma and#connotations that tic disorders as a whole have. literally the only place where i can have a relief from this shit is locked in my room. and#even then my dad's always in the room next to mine and my parent's room is across the hall.#*btw the reason i can't get diagnosed with anything is because of my parents and their shitty empathy skills towards anyone who#isnt neurotypical or able bodied. like i love my parents i really do but ffs man it gets to a point sometimes.#dont mind all the typos in this i only got ~ 3 hours of sleep last night#tw tics#delete later
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I think ill finally start 2010 tonight, I don't know why I keep delaying 😭 but when I think abt that era of cars and drivers, I feel butterflies in my stomach so I probably should JDKGLBLB
#ill read reddit posts or smth and someone brings up the v8 era#and i like get physically excited 😭 im such a nerd#the main reason im delaying tho is bcs i dont like to start things#its a big thing for me yknow#but i just read some comment talking about how the v8 era was the absolute best era of racing#and also about how overtakes were better pre drs#im just like OKAY FINE ILL GET ON WITH IT#and i will get emotionally debilitated#catie.rambling.txt
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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this is officially worse than when i had e.coli i can definitely say that now
#emeto n illness etc its pretty gnarly and i dont have a filter so read at your own risk#its been 3 fucking days of barely sleeping and having that sleep interrupted by severe abdominal pain and vomiting#and then during the day i feel almost normal again! and then right before i go to bed the pain comes back and then im just up all night#this is the fourth day of work ive fucking missed this week and i literally want to jump off a cliff#this is worse than my ulcers its worse than e.coli and i havent slept since i woke up at 11:30pm. and its 8am.#ive been shaking and vomiting all night and im soo so tired. i need this to stop. the pain definitely got to like an 8 last night#and all i could do was lay on the couch and just writhe and whine because i literally cannot keep anything down!!#not even my.sleep meds that i unsuccessfully tried to take twice and threw them up both times#my whole body is pins and needles from fevers or chills or sleep deprivation i dont rly know or care#this is the first time in 8+ hrs ive been able to look at my phone without the nausea worsening tenfold so im dropping all of this#and if you think all of this feels bad physically! wait till you hear how it feels emotionally and mentally!
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