#It's my first time sharing my art with the internet okay im nervous okay dont mind me plz

[aleki-lives-here]

[samwritesforyou]

We’re gonna be okay

Diego x reader

Summary: You and Diego worked out a system for a situation if he ever comes to your place while being in the highest form of distress and needs your help. He assured you it won’t happen often. Until one night, it finally did.

A/N: i feel like i’ve read the whole tumblr dot com worth of diego x reader fanfics and yet i still wanted more, so the desperate need to finally write something myself has been fulfilled. i would actually love to take requests, so if you want, dont hesitate to message/ask me! im ready to write fics and headcanons :) (my blog might seem new but ive been on tumblr for years and years and i finally dedicated a new blog to mostly reader inserts, either my own or reblogging others)

Warnings: Mentions of a panic attack, gender neutral reader

Wordcount: 3,350

There was a knock on the door.

It was pretty late, but not too late for it to be Diego yet.

Or so you thought.

You got up kinda lazily from a comfortable chair you had situated in the corner of a room, at first designed mainly for reading or napping, but ending up doing absolutely whatever you could on the spot. Eating pizza, watching netflix, browsing through the internet after long working hours that you put in into your tiny art selling business.

You slightly opened the door and already plastered a semi-fake smile for a possible neighbor, but in front of you stood Diego.

Your dear friend, who was at the moment soaked from the rain outside, with big eyes, fast breathing and bloody hands.

Bloody hands?!

“Hello to you too, friend!” you said quite worried, quickly patting him down for signs of any physical pain. For the first time in a while he seemed fine, unscarred.

Your eyes finally went up, literally scanning his face but it was completely unreadable.

His eyes were wide and he looked as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him.

You looked down again and took his fists into your hands. His own palms unclenched and you could see that they were heavily bloodied.

“Diego.. whose blood is it?”

No answer.

You rushed him inside and closed the door behind the two of you, facing the damn vigilante again.

“Diego, I need to know who’s blood is on your hands,” your voice grew steadier as you knitted your brows together in worry and confusion.

Only then the guy decided to move his arms and you noticed how shaky he is. He connected his two index fingers in the form of a cross, pressing it to his chest.

Your own eyes went wide now as you stumbled back a few steps and your mind went blank.

.

.

.

You instantly remembered a night that happened a few years back. He has come in crumbling through your window and was obviously in some new form of distress, that you couldn’t quite understand yet.

“Diego?” it seemed like your voice didn’t reach his ears, so you tried calling out his name again, getting up from the couch and patting him lightly on the body, to determine any sign of an injury.

It looked like there was none, so you tried to reach his gaze that was somewhat absentminded, all over the place, scanning everything but not meeting your eyes.

He was a tough guy, and you knew it. You knew that if you want to get answers, you need to either get them yourself or make yourself heard, until he cannot ignore you any longer.

“Diego Hargreeves, what is going on?” your voice was soft yet determined.

His dark orbs finally stopped on your face and he just shook his head, his breathing oddly fast for a man who was just simply standing.

You continued to push. You didn’t have the best day either, and to be interrupted at 1am by his visit was nothing new, but you couldn’t let him have this behaviour. Even though you’re friends, that didn’t automatically mean that he could do whatever he wanted.

Throughout the whole night he didn’t say a thing, but when you started adding volume to your voice, he.. he just broke down.

That night, you’ve witnessed Diego experience a panic attack. Caused by yourself.

You couldn’t fall asleep that night, even after you eventually calmed him down and the only thing that was left to do for you was to watch him sleep and slowly rubbing circles on his exposed arm out of the blanket.

It felt like neons before you noticed a first ray of sunshine drawing from the half-closed curtains, making you spring to your feet and drag your ass to the kitchen, trying to think of what to do for breakfast.

When you figured the recipe out and finished cooking, Diego was already up and joined you near the kitchen counter, next to which you had two stools.

He settled on one of them, looking at you.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you couldn’t muster anything better, so you just put a plate in front of him and then sat next to his side, simply digging into your portion of scrambled eggs.

“About last night, y/n..” he drifted off, probably at first deciding that it’s better to fill his stomach a little bit.

In the meantime you didn’t dare to speak up and just waited for him to say something, anything.

When he finished his meal, he finally turned to you with a sigh.

“You know that one guy I told you ‘bout? That we.. we do some vigilante shit together from time to time?”

You just nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“Well. I guess I could count him as a close friend. You know.. and,” this was followed by a slight pause and clearing of the throat.

“He died yesterday. I couldn’t save him.”

Your eyes immediately shot up to Diego and all that vulnerability and hurt that you’ve clearly seen yesterday just overtaking him were completely gone. Now present only a strong facade that he mastered whenever he needed to hide from showing emotions. You hated it.

“Shit, Diego..” you spoke quietly and softly, all the words seemed to have left you in all the things unsaid in your throat. But you tried to continue.

“I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry for pushing you over the edge. I.. I didn’t know what happened so I just acted how we would normally do,” he smirked at that, merely for a second, but you still caught it.

“Look, I.. I know, “ he simply said and then it felt as if he was weighting pros and cons of telling you something else that was clearly on his chest.

“You always help me out. Every single night I come to you.. Why do you do it, y/n?” Diego’s eyes were steadily turned your way.

At the sudden question you raised an eyebrow, “well, I.. I care about you.”

He lightly bit his lower lip and turned his gaze away, clearly thinking about something really hard.

“Okay,” he finally said, “y/n, do you think I could ask you for a favour then?”

At that your eyes met and you felt nervous, for some reason.

You really liked him. Not just like a friend. But you understood that there probably won’t be a chance for you two to ever become a couple (mostly considering that you didn’t believe that he could feel about you this way), so you settled for friendship anyways, since you two really got along well.

And having this handsome tough guy as a friend? Damn, just that is already some kind of luck swinging your way.

But your feelings of course meant that.. you’d do more for him than what you’d do just for a friend. You would get out of your comfort zone just to help him with injuries or hear him talk about his girlfriend (at the time, now they were broken up) and how they argued so much that he ended up on the streets and didn’t really want to go to his lonely place at the gym.

And you took him in. You always did. And since the day you became friends you always care for him.

And you’d care now once again.

“What is it?” in your tone danced a question, troubled with what he might ask for.

“Well, yesterday-“ he cut himself from finishing and cleared his throat, starting over.

“I imagine we’re gonna be friends for a long time, right?”

You just pushed your brows up with a small nod in affirmation.

“I never had.. anyone, really, to help me with the states I often got into,” you immediately thought of Eudora, wasn’t his ex-girlfriend supposed to be his support pillar? Or is he just making you feel sorry for him-

“Or I didn’t ever trust anyone that much, you know,” oh, okay, that kind of explains that then.

“And I guess.. I trust you enough? To share this?” he talked quietly and mumbled a lot so you realised soon you won’t be able to hear him at all.

You grabbed his hands with yours and caught his attention this way.

You were never really touchy together, but occasional hugs and even holding hands was kind of a standard for you from time to time.

His eyes met yours again and you cursed yourself for your heartbeat getting faster. This is not an appropriate moment to get butterflies in your stomach, dammit.

“I’m listening, Diego,” you confirmed, nodding again.

“Okay. It’s- it’s just really h-hard to talk about this,” he stuttered a bit, but with the next breath continued again, “When there’s some situation that’s just completely fucked up, like losing someone close to me, or- or somethin’ else, I don’t know.. I finish what I need at the scene where it happened but when I come home I just,” he breathed some air in and you felt his hands squeeze yours a bit tighter, “I just break down, you know? Sometimes it’s just all too much for me and I don’t know how to deal with it and I would just wanna.. someone to hold me, I guess? Otherwise when someone’s trying to talk at me or somethin’ I just get even more worked up and it’s even worse.”

It all started to come together in your mind. Even though it sounded really strange to hear Diego talk about things like.. wanting to be held and shit. But you always guessed there’s a far bigger sweetheart and a soft boy underneath all those harness and knives.

You tried to pick your words carefully.

“So when I started to ask you shit.. You just flipped. Basically because I was talking at you a lot and you couldn’t take it anymore, right?”

He sighed and looked somewhere up, nodding bit by bit.

“Yeah, yep. That was it.”

You clapped at his hands lightly, to bring his focus back again and he looked at you and mustered a sad, faint smile.

You did the same. In the world you lived in, unforeseen and unfortunate events were happening left and right and thinking about his childhood and everything.. no wonders he developed such a huge reaction and coping mechanism to something catastrophic happening.

“That’s okay, Diego. I’m here for you, I mean it. Let’s just talk about some things what I should and shouldn’t do when you come here in that state, alright? I just want you to feel comfortable.”

“Alright. Thank you, y/n,” he was looking down now, the whole morning kinda failing to meet your gaze and just rubbed his thumb across your hand, which send you heart into a race again.

You slowly let go of him, making an excuse to go wash the dishes.

After a while you looked behind you where he sat and said, “We also need some sort of a sign that you can easily show me, since you’re not really talkative when you get like this.”

Apparently he already used said “sign” somewhere, because he had it on the ready.

It was his hands clutching in fists, index fingers crossing each other in a form of a cross, pressed to his chest.

“Something like this. But don’t worry, I don’t think it’ll happen often. That would be really sad,” he laughed a little and then looked at you somewhat longingly and you averted your eyes back to the sink, nodding.

.

.

You almost forgot about that and now it all come flooding back.

Something terrible must’ve happened. You were panicking, but you had to stay strong, for him.

He was still standing in your hallway, with a crossed index fingers pressed to his chest.

“Okay, okay..” you mumbled more to yourself than to him, taking his hands into yours and looking him up and down.

He really seemed.. disconnected. It was kind of scary and you tried so hard not to think about what happened. Or about who died.

“Here, come with me, Diego,” you led him by the hand towards your couch as he was holding onto you, but his usual grip was gone.

You both ended up on a sofa and you really didn’t know how to act around him now, because.. he didn’t talk, didn’t look at you but when he did, his eyes were wide and big and he just seemed suddenly like a small boy to you.

Hopefully he won’t remember this tomorrow, you thought and tried to smile a little bit at him.

“Okay. Can you get your hands up for me, baby boy?” You’ve decided to approach this situation as if you were just babysitting an overgrown child.

Because nothing bad happens to children normally, right? And if you kept thinking about him as usual grown man Diego, you’d lose your mind in the process, wanting to scream and shake him by the shoulders until he spills you what happened.

Being Diego’s friend pushed you to new limits each day, truly.

He didn’t bat an eyelid at your tone change and word choosing, just obliging and putting his hands up.

You helped him to get his knives down and put his black turtleneck over his head, so now he sat shirtless right next to you, hands still smeared with blood.

Goddamit the blood!

You took him by the elbows and lead Diego to the bathroom, where you helped to get the red out of his hands. At the sight of blood dripping down into the sink you deciphered a whimper from him, even through the sound of running water and looked up.

Diego couldn’t stop looking down at his hands and tears were running down his cheeks.

You quickly took his face into your wet hands from the water and forced him to look away and lock his gaze with yours.

“Hey, don’t look at it, okay? It’ll only make you stressed. Until I’m done you can just close you eyes, okay?”

“Oh-okay,” he said and just closed his eyes here and there.

You sighed and tried to finish washing his hands as fast as possible, cursing under your breath pretty often.

“I’m sorry..” you heard him mumble and when you looked up, his eyes were still shut.

“Nothin’ to be sorry about.. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, right? Don’t worry. You’re safe now,” you smiled as you were already wrapping his hands in a towel and his eyelashes fluttered, eyes opening.

You stayed looking at each other for a second longer than necessary, but then you already lead him away to the bedroom area, where you actually tucked him in, wrapping in a soft blanket and then rushed to the kitchen, grabbing a few cookies and then leaving it on a plate next to him on the night table. 

 You almost made yourself comfortable on the couch, when he suddenly called out your name from the bed.

You sprung to your feet, thinking he’s actually hurt but you didn’t notice or that- “Can you... stay with me? P-please?” he asked, disrupting your train of thought. You did expect this, but still felt really shy about that.

Diego is vulnerable right now and does need your help and presence though.

And there wouldn’t be anything you wouldn’t do for him.

“Sure,” and after this simple answer you carefully climbed in next to him covering you both with a blanket and he curled up closer to you, almost immediately falling asleep.

From one point of view it felt like you wouldn’t sleep at all tonight, but from the other one.. you actually fell asleep just as fast as he did.

.

.

To nobody’s surprise you woke up first and actually flinched at the sight of sleeping Diego inches from your own face.

Your mind went running with ideas what happened and what’s going on until you realised the real deal and your brain caught up to yesterday’s shenanigans.

It was a wild ride and you were thankful that now it’s - most probably - over.

Your eyes were subconsciously scanning his face, until you realised what you’re doing, but you didn’t stop even then.

You’ve never been this close to his face yet and now you could admire and explore every part of it.

Having feelings for a friend that’s laying in the same bed with you at the moment is really not the healthiest thing that could’ve happened to you, huh..

You actually froze and your heart started racing billion times faster when you realised that you have a weight of his arm around your waist, pulling you closer from his sleep.

He grunted and his nose was now in your hair, shuffling a little to get more comfortable.

You had no idea how to change positions, especially when being held by such a strong arm as his and you got a feeling like Diego might actually wake up just about now, so the best solution that came into your mind was to forcefully close your eyes shut and pretend that you’re still sleeping.

He did, indeed, wake up. You were suddenly pushed to the other side of the bed, arm disappearing from your waist and a waterfall of curses fell from his lips quietly.

You used up all your acting stamina to make a believable scene of you gaining your conscious from the deep slumber that you were obviously in, stretched your arms for a good effect and finally opened your eyes.

You immediately signed up for a staring contest as soon as you looked at him and smiled a little. His face remained unreadable but perhaps a little bit flustered?.. But you may be reading too much into it.

“Hi,” you said with a higher tone than intended and Diego just nodded at that.

You tried your luck by addressing the elephant in the room right away, you never liked ignoring the problems that were always looming over you, “care to tell me what happened yesterday?”

He drew a big sigh and rested his head back on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling.

You couldn’t stop looking at him. At first because you really wanted to know the mystery, but the longer you looked at him, the more you realised that you’re just admiring the beauty that he holds, until his words fell like a dead weight right onto your shoulders.

“I found Eudora’s body yesterday. I couldn’t get to the place in time and someone killed her.”

What?

It felt like what he said was simply a trick of your imagination. You liked Eudora yourself, she was a very intelligent and an interesting person, you two often hung out and that feeling didn’t cease even after you found out that she and Diego started dating.

And even when they broke up some months after, you still found your way to spend time with her. So did Diego.

You wanted to cry, but thought that it might be insensitive towards him, because he was much closer to her than you were, so you tried to swallow your forming tears down.

“I’m.. I’m so sorry, Diego..”

“It’s your loss too, I know it, y/n,” he looked at you with much softer look this time.

“Come here,” he said a little bit hesitantly and opened up one arm towards you.

This was unusual, but maybe last night’s events tore down some walls?.. Who knows.

You almost threw yourself into his embrace and once your forehead rested on his chest, you started crying.

From everything, honestly. There’s been problems at work, your seemingly unrequited feelings for Diego didn’t help much either and now you learned that you lost one of your friends.

He started rubbing circles on your back, just letting you get those emotions out, while you two were hugging each other on the bed in your apartment.

And as you slowly started to calm down, he said a gentle, “it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay”

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[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[rinnnyxr]

Depression You don't enjoy your hobbies You sleep too much/too little You don't think you matter You wish you could kill yourself You feel more sad than happy

GAD You get anxious for no reason at all You have nervous ticks (biting nails, hair touching,etc) You always have a nervous stomach You always feel like youre on the edge You get a lot of body aches

OCD ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) You have obsessive thoughts that you cant make go away You have a special routine and if you dont do it exactly... you will have a panic attack you have to double check things If things arent exactly how you want them you get constant anxiety and you cant stop thinking about it You have a fear of losing control

PTSD You have gone through something traumatic You get flashbacks all the time from the trauma Loud noises cause a panic attack You have night terrors (different from nightmares) You zone out/black out and relive the event

Bipolar You feel extremely sad You get extremely happy/excited You talk so fast people can't keep up You have sleep problems You are constantly thinking of death/suicide

Schizoprenia You constantly hear voices in your head  You have word salad (disorganized sentences) You hallucinate You have the flat effect (no emotion/zombie like) You have laugh at the wrong times

Dissociative Identity disorder You are detached from your emotions You have amnesia of certain events/people You dont remember faces or you have a difficult time remembering You get anxious Youre suicidal

BPD- Borderline Personality disorder You take major risks Youre very sexually active (many partners) You have unstable relationships Extreme mood swings You have explosive anger

Autism (broad, there are way too many so im just gonna list to common ) You have a hard time in social surroundings (relating to people..communicat You resist change You have at least one learning disability you CANT make eye contact You cant share enjoyment with others

SAD- Seasonal affective disorder You feel more happy during the summer time Seasons changing can make you feel sad/depressed You think about death but not suicide You have insomnia You get irritated easy

Bulimia Nervosa You eat a big portion of food at once You have bad self image You eat a lot but force yourself to puke it all up You feel like you cant stop the eating / out of control You self harm

Anorexia You see yourself bigger than you actually are You enjoy the feeling of starving yourself You have extreme weight loss in very little time Your hair is falling out You have anxiety if you have to eat

ADHD You are always moving (tapping pen, shaking leg) You cant pay attention long You act before thinking You lose interest quickly Youre always talking too much/too fast

-

I know all the words to some of the songs from Grease I have seen a show on Broadway before I have ran up and hugged a stranger, mistaking them for someone I knew I have drooled all over my pillow before while in a deep slumber I’m listening to my favorite song right now I have/had a mood ring(s) I have an Apple Mac I have taken an art class in school before I have owned a disco ball at one time or another I can speak fluent Spanish I’ve been to a roller rink and fallen flat on my butt I can write in Japanese I have been hospitalized for more than a month before due to a terrible injury I would streak for 50 bucks I have pole danced before just for fun I have a ridiculously large purse I have ridden a camel before I love carnivals and fairs I have spent the whole day at the mall and just walked around I live/lived/visited in Germany I love to people-watch at the airport I don’t have a favorite flower I have seen the movie Love Actually I have a lot of random shit hanging on the walls of my bedroom I drink as much milk as I’m recommended to I keep my movie ticket stubs I’m going to go see a play or musical soon I have studied abroad before I don’t drink enough water I love yogurt I’m trying to lose weight I HATE my toes I’m trying to gain weight I love the show “True Life” on MTV I loathe reality TV I have taken a College Algebra math course I can count from 1-10 in two or more different languages I need to paint my toenails My internet homepage is my email provider’s page I never send e-mails anymore I have a cell phone & I don’t think it’s a piece of trash I have an iPod/MP3 player & a really kickass case for it, too I put my shoes in the dryer I still watch the Price is Right and Jeopardy I love to bargain shop I could live off of breakfast cereals I wish I could be a member of the opposite sex for one day I dislike standardized tests I hate 90s music I can’t wear watches because I have too much electricity in my body I just don’t wear watches because I think they’re ugly I text in class or at work I can’t WAIT for summer I once wore something that was 5 times too big for me in public I have been to Canada I hate it when guys leave the toilet seat up I have a really cool 6-CD changer stereo I own all the CDs from my favorite band I hate Myspace My favorite band has a “The” in front of it All I wear is band teeshirts I’m a loner I can speak another language fluently I like Dave Matthew’s Band I practically live in my pajamas when I’m at home I love mashed potatoes I have seen my favorite band in concert more than twice I love string cheese I hate The White Stripes I’m homophobic I have a certain order in which I put on my socks and shoes I’m a morning person I have a High School diploma I love Chinese take-out I think sushi is disgusting & I’ve never even tried it It’s raining right now I love listening to old-school Madonna I’m picky I’ve volunteered before in my community I’m always sore I hate back massages I give a mean back rub I’m interesed in acupuncture I love foreign food I listen to my iPod/MP3/CD player in class or in the office when I’m supposed to be paying attention or working I fall or have fallen asleep in class I would never wax my legs, even if you paid me I have tried Nair before & it hurt like hell and didn’t work I suffer from sleep apnea Someone in my family or someone I know battled cancer and won I have a shirt hanging in my closet that hasn’t been worn for over 2 years Snickers is my favorite candy bar I had an imaginary friend when I was younger I do my chores every day My favorite soda is Dr. Pepper Okay, this survey is going on for way too long I know the difference between “to”, “two”, and “too” & when is the appropriate time to use them I have/had birds I have been to Hawaii before I want to go on a Cruise I always read before going to bed I passed Geometry the first time I took it My nails are not painted I have a song stuck in my head right now I have watched at least one episode of “Friends” before Chocolate chip pancakes are pretty much the bomb I have no clue what IHOP is or stands for I’m currently avoiding someone I know morse code Facial hair hot I’ve been dehydrated before I love to run! I have a crush on someone right now & they don’t even know I exist Bolding surveys are calming I’m listening to a sad song right now I still use old-fashioned bar soap to wash myself in the shower I have an electric toothbrush I have taken professional studio photos with friends or family I have seen Steven King’s movie IT When I was younger, my friends & I always used to make up dances and perform them I think I’m going deaf I’m getting bored of this stupid survey all ready I’m an accident just waiting to happen I’m so clumsy I have licked someone else’s shoes before, for money or just because I’m always indecisive I have kickass bunny slippers I need a tissue I have watched the Disney movie Mulan before & loved it I have attended a tea party before I have seen a bear before, and it wasn’t at the zoo I have walked in on someone having sex before The drawers on my dresser don’t close all the way because they’re so full I hate my 3rd period teacher I read Manga I used to collect beanie-babies way back when I sell or buy stuff on eBay I have been to a museum before I have plans tonight I like Spongebob Captain Hook is one of my favorite Disney villains I hate the movie The Sound of Music I need to charge my phone I like elephants

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[Vacation Editon]: Thailand or Hawaii Mexico or Costa Rica Santorini or Amalfi Coast Caribbean or Tahiti Yellowstone or Yosemite New York or San Francisco Paris or Barcelona Miami or Ibiza Australia or New Zealand

[Food Edition]: strawberries or blueberries iced coffee of hot coffee oatmeal or cereal hot dog or hamburger chicken or steak smoothie or milkshake potato chips or french fries ice cream or gelato

[Personal Style Edition]: sneakers or sandals jeans or leggings leather or suede neutrals or bold colors heels or flats hoodie or zip-up thigh fit or loose fit statement accessories or simple/no accessories closed-toed or open-toed blue jeans or jeggings long sleeves or short sleeves curly hair or straight hair cowboy boots or riding boots necklaces or bracelets natural nails or fake nails canvas shoes or sport shoes bun or ponytail sweat pants or leggings

[Celebrity Edition]: Kim Kardashian or Kylie Jenner P!nk or Ke$ha Emma Watson or Emma Stone Kate Middleton or Meghan Markle Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie Nicki Minaj or Cardi B David Beckham or Tom Brady Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds Ariana Grande or Selena Gomez Oprah or Ellen Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon Steve Jobs or Elon Musk Kendrick Lamar or Drake Taylor Swift or Katy Perry Beyoncé or Rihanna

[Workout Habits Edition]: leggings or shorts squats or deadlifts planks or crunches treadmill or free run elliptical or Stairmaster free weights or machines Nike or Under Armour

[American Food Edition]: grilled cheese or mac&cheese french fries or onion rings potato chips or popcorn fried chicken or chicken wings pizza or sandwich pancakes or waffles pasta salad or potato salad cookies or cake apple pie or cheesecake sausage or bacon Burger King or McDonald’s Coke or Pepsi

[Candy Edition]: Reese’s Cups or Hersey kiss Sour Patch Kids or Jolly Ranchers Jelly beans or Gummy bears Baby Ruth or 3 Musketeers Almond Joy or Mounds Hersey bar or KitKat Snickers or MilkyWay Skittles or Starburst Junior Mints or York Peppermint Patty

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You have an iPhone. You have a pink or blue phone case. One of your contact name starts with W, Y or Z. One of your contact is labeled, Doctor. You made a call before 7:00 am. You have your alarm set on your phone to wake you up. You have headphones with you. Your ringtone is a song. One of your recent calls was to one of your parents. You have a text saved from over a year ago. You have a selfie taken. Your screen saver is a picture. Your battery is more than half full. You have a picture of you and a guy saved. You have a video saved. You have a text saved with ‘What’s Up?’ You have at least one game downloaded. Your significant other is  #1 on your speed dial. You have more than 50 photos  saved on your phone. You have 1 - 5 downloaded applications. You have 5 - 10 downloaded applications. You have 10+ downloaded applications. You have at least 10 pictures of you. You have at least 30 pictures of you You have at least 20 pictures of your family. You have at least 20 pictures of your friends. You have more than 10 songs. You have more than 50 songs. You have more than 100 songs. You bought it. Your parents bought it. Your grandparents bought it. You have more than 1 phone case. You hate when people want to look through your phone. You have a few contact but not a lot. Your phone is next to you. You have a white phone case You have the latest iPhone You checked your phone before 7:00 am this morning. Your most recent call was less than 30 minutes ago. Your music collection contains a song with ‘baby’ in the title. You have Facebook installed. You have a picture with more than 4 people in it. You have a picture of you and a guy with no shirt on in your phone. You have Candy Crush installed as an application. You have a Lady Gaga song in your collection. You made a call after midnight. You have a black phone case. You have a picture of the graduate saved in your album. Your music collection, includes a song with ‘school’ in the title. You have more than 5 voicemails saved. You have YouTube as an application. You have Instagram as an application. You have Twitter as an application. You have Tumblr as an application. SnapChat is one of your applications. You have a Mike in your contact. You have a song with the word ‘money’ in the title.

[weretigerkun]

another about me tag game

Tagged by @looking-for-stray-dogs aaaah, thank you very much, lea! :D

How old are you?: 18

What’s your current job?: wailing over academics, learning japanese, writing about boys in love (oh i wish this was my job), trying to get through life you know.... 

What are you good at?:

...knowing fashion stuff? :D

paying attention to details, working really intensely once i’ve focused

noticing pretty sunsets, cityscapes, and angles in a city that not many people would consider pretty ;w;

digging through the bowels of the internet to find allllll the content for my current fandom/interest

discussing... existential crises.....

buying presents, or more accurately, finding clothes in someone else’s style that they would like

spending too much time in bookstores

What is a big goal you are working towards (or have already achieved)?:

big goals? i dont have much right now eep

obviously i want to graduate and get a job in my field! something related to art curation. i just want to be creative and be surrounded by creative people honestly~ and then be fluent enough in japanese to read allll the books and comics and fanworks i want to! and share them with others bc japanese literature is sooo rare in my country. mura.ka.mi is basically it lol.

What is your aesthetic?:

this is... difficult oh my ... my aesthetic is always changing i think

long skirts, flowy tops and poofy hair (or in a bun)

cityscapes!!! neon!! the city at night!

cats

character-focused, moody novels

antique stores and film photography

deer antlers, flowers

that feeling when you’re riding the train and it’s full of people but it’s like you’re trapped in your own little bubble, you know?

cloudy weather

green tea-flavored everything

Do you collect anything?:

Memories.... :~)

okay but for real, fandom stuff (whether official or fanmade) and notebooks that i don’t use because they’re too pretty.....

What’s a topic you always talk about:

obviously this varies depending on who i talk to but in general:

fiction

existential stuff? feelings? friends are here for that ;w;

art and literature

other people because i am a terrible gossip i am sorry

events that happen in general, especially regarding my country or community (on one level i do mean it seriously #staywoke but on the other hand it’s just a part of connecting with your community you know :D lmao me talking as if im not a shy introvert eep)

What is a pet peeve of yours:

i have sooo many but for now let me say: WHEN CARS PARK ON SIDEWALKS!! side walks are for PEOPLE please let me pass so i dont walk on the road and get potentially run over. thanks.

Good advice to give:  

everyone is just as afraid, just as nervous, just as unsure as you are. we’ve all been there. and nobody has to know your fears if you don’t let them show. fake it till you make it :D you will survive! you already have gone this far!

“If you never ask, the answer will always be no.”

What are three songs you’d recommend?:

Gem Club - Twins

KANON69 - First Lady

IV of Spades - Ilaw Sa Daan

[i have more indie OPM recs if anyone wants them!]

And here they are, those who stole my heart♥

technically only one person but....

tagging @magicalgirlmafu @nekojimaxosamew @fandoms-today-fandoms-forever @shiori-reiko @lunajpg !! no pressure if you don’t want to do it, and i also hope you guys havent done this yet whoops

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt. 

[ecoamerica]

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