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inmomni · 2 years

Text

No. 20

Dear _____.

8/4/2020 - 5:50pm

It's been 2 days since we ended things...

I miss you already.

I've been listening to music nonstop.

I feel like I am the biggest simp, but idk if you knew that since ive been with you since the time I knew you. I realized that with everything that happens in my life that is noteworthy, I really want to share it with you. I have been recently training to follow the Korean doctor. And I've been really wanting to tell you. It's been hard hahaha. The work. Well everything else too but the work specifically. I have to keep like 7 timers in my head at all times and think of the best way to order those timers and future timers, while at the same time listening to everything going on in the background, and literally everything. So I'm learning slowly hahaha. Today was day 2 of training. For the week. So I'll be training next week and practicing when I can. Anyways. Things are hard. Overall. I called up Kris and Ian yesterday. After work. Honestly. I decided to drink and smoke after work. I know that goes against what... What I need to do to get back to you. But. I. It just hurts to much. And. Yeah. I miss you so much. I'm at tears when I'm thinking about it. Honestly this training at work couldn't come at a better time. I'm trying to jump start myself to help train to get better at following the doctor. So I'm trying to work more hours and practice as much as I can. But honestly this is just at work. When I get home I just collapse. I don't have the energy to face my family. Nor do I want to talk to them. Idk. After we ended things. I called my dad to come pick me up.

That was a mistake.

I just felt more alone at that point. He had to go get gas and wanted me to order food from Kokos to-go to take home but. That delayed the trip 1 hr and I was dying the entire time. And we got home and he thought that a beer was going to fix it. But he was just trying to control the situation as he normally does. And my mom didn't get it. Idk. She.

Gah I'm starting to think I'm deaf. Or crazy. Cause I try listening. But I just don't feel like they get it. Maybe it's my insecurities. Idk.

But I can't help but keep thinking if you're okay. If you're safe.

If you're surrounded by people you love. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit to how much I meant to you. But that may just be my insecurity again.

I wish I wasn't so in my head. I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish I could just run towards what I knew was important right now.

I feel so broken.

But I know I can't feel like that.

And I can't afford to feel like that.

And I can't get you back if I do feel like this.

But I do.

And I don't know. How to pick myself up

To love myself.

Even right now I'm killing myself in my mind for being drunk right now. For being high right now. In the middle of a park. After work. Without anyone knowing. Other then you I guess. I don't think I am worthy of being loved. Idk. It's been harder to think otherwise after we ended things. Which isn't what the plan was. But. Idk.

I miss you.

8:45pm

I'm on my way home now. I told my family that I'd be hanging out with my friends but I was alone all day. Other than calling Caleb. I talked to him for about an hour and half. But I was just exploring LA myself after work. Echo Park is really pretty. If we. We should try to go there some day. I think you'd really like it. Idk. I'm simping on the bus too. Idk. Sigh. This sucks. I miss you.

8/6/2020 - 5:19pm

Hi.

I miss you.

It's weird.

It comes in waves...

It doesn't just sit. But its always in flux,

getting bigger and bigger, then suddenly grinding to a halt - leaving me dazed and heavy, as if all of the inertia of emotions crash into the front of my head. Lifeless. Suppressed by vacancy. I'll think of things. Like Disney. Cause one of my patients. Yeah...

I haven't talked to my parents in a couple of days. I've been in my room constantly. I haven't felt this alone before. And maybe I'm sick because I still don't think anyone gets it. And. I wish I could just fix this and come back to you. I'm cleaving onto work. Its going by quickly these days. I feel dead inside. And I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Maybe. This is my way of self harming by thinking like this. But I'm thinking that you're okay, not torn up, which doesn't make sense. But throughout the day I'll get thoughts that you don't care. Which undermines how much you must be hurting right now but.

8/9/2020

Dear _____,

It's been now a week since we ended things. And I know I said that I'd contact you after to kind of close things out but. Honestly. I can't bring myself to call or text you right now. Love I'm such a wreck right now. Even you'd be shocked if you saw. I don't know how to do this. It's been harder to breathe lately. My chest feels heavy and tight. I'm just thinking if you're feeling the same. Or if you feel lighter.

8/12/2020

Dear _____.

I've tried to quit like 3 times in the past week. And I've made so many deals with myself.

I am starting to feel hopeless. Well I don't know. Everything hurts. I'm trying to work more. But that just fills up time. Everything. Hurts. I feel. I miss you so much. I miss you so much. My lungs feel raw with every breath.

8/13/2020

Dear ______.

I'm at work right now, and I was doing okay, but I just heard your ringtone for the first time since. My stomach is on the floor right now. Hahaha I just. Stopped in my tracks. It hurts a lot.

I finally changed my wallpaper today.

It's funny that I keep writing these. Maybe I'm hoping I'll be able to show you one day. I don't know. I need to go back to work.

Hey. I'm off work now. I was just thinking. I imagined the worst case scenario for us. You know. I get heavily addicted. You know the rest. But I never could have imagined. I mean I knew it would be miserable. But. Honestly.

I didn't think. That it would literally hurt to breathe every single time. Or that things that remind me of you wouldn't just be a memory, but a bullet wound. Wincing at everything that reminds me of you. Today, every time there was a bad patient, a wonderful one with whom I had a long and meaningful conversation. You were part of all of it. And I didn't even get to... Maybe it's. I did know it when I had it, maybe I just miss it so much since it's gone. Maybe I did think you'd be there always. I don't know, I know that I didn't think that. And I talked to myself like that so I wouldn't take advantage of you. But. I don't know. Just thinking you're not going to be there. Or that you might not. My heart breaks. Every time I think of you. I just blocked you on Facebook. I've been noticing you've been posting pictures of you and Yoshi. It's been hard to think that you're.... Deleting me from those memories. Cause. Yeah. I hope you're doing okay. I don't know if you are. You're probably not. But my mind is telling me that you are doing the best you have in 3 years. Because I'm not with you...

I've been hating myself more these days.

Baby I miss you so much. And I hate myself for not being able to get out of this. What. What if I finally get into a facility. And get clean the expensive way. And I do all of this. And...and. You moved on.

I haven't been trusting myself that I love you for a long time. Because I haven't dated. And the things you'd tell me. About how your ex's would do things and always want to be with you. But I wasn't like that so you didn't feel wanted. But. I finally think that I know. 200% now that I do love you and you were the one for me and I was thinking of that all along. Cause of how much it hurts right now. Because of how much... Mindy I want to die. I don't have any hope right now. I don't. And I'm trying to find it.

I need someone to help me. I can't do this on my own... I can't do this anymore... I don't know what to do anymore...

8/15/2020

Dear _____.

I was hospitalized yesterday again. For DKA again. I wish you were there. I was in so much pain, like the most I've felt in a while. And in a way. I kind of miss it right now. Except for the nausea. And the vomiting. But the pain. Finally seemed to match my feelings inside. I tried really hard to not blow up at people. But. I. It's hard. Cause... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hope you are drawing people closer to you. Not like me.

I blew up at Kris and Ian too yesterday. We were supposed to go to Joshua tree. But. I didn't know we were going. I didn't want to go. And I got hospitalized. And I was so stressed. And they were trying to get me to them to go. And it was just so. Stressful. I came home by Uber. I needed insulin cause these dimwits at the hospital were pumping me with glucose and not insulin for like over an hour. And that made me so angry. And it made me realize that I don't feel heard with anything. And I realized that. You were the only one I felt safe with. I just didn't know it either because I was on guard so much. You did make me feel safe. But my experience with every other person, namely my dad, made my insecurities something else. I couldn't stop crying last night. I. I screamed at my dad yesterday. I was so. He was literally ignoring what I was saying right in front of me. Like I was so stone cold sober that I could see everything. And all the potential damage over the years. Literally he asked me what I needed from him. And I told him. And he. It's literally the shit I did to you. But he didn't get it. And he never will. I saw that so clearly yesterday. And. After reflecting on all my relationships other than you. I have never fully opened up about my hurt since Caleb in highschool. Other than you and Caleb and not even Caleb, there was no one that took the time to understand or be there for me. My mom was dealing with her own shit. No one at church cared. My dad never understood. And I would lie to myself saying that he did understand and he did hear me. But year after year I still was not understood. Maybe I'm just crazy as shit. Deranged as shit to this point where I can't trust anyone. And I don't know what to do. What do I do with all of this hurt and pain. Why is God not showing up. If he's supposed to be the father that understands all, all of human experience. I wonder if he understands how to be a diabetic. Or if all the relations are indirect. What it's like to constantly be under stress. Or. Maybe his shit was worse. So that's that. I mean. Your mom died. And you had to deal with that. By yourself. Isolated. I can't imagine what that must have been like. Then to add additional trauma. Who am I. Right? What is my shit compared to you. Or my dad. Probably feeling abandoned by my grandparents. Came to the states. And had to provide for himself all throughout college. Never taking handouts. And graduated and built this life for himself. Or my mom. Dealing with mental illness when no one else understood. Or knew of that. Who am I. I'm just some insignificant little shit who can't deal with the world and has to stay high all the time to do or function. Otherwise I get swallowed by my thoughts. But no one gets that.

Since I've been so high functioning.

That's my. That's what people know me as. Any less. It's. Not acceptable. And I'm not doing my best.

Maybe I just can't deal with it. Maybe I can't deal with anything. My brain is just so soaked in shit.

I miss you.

I need- I miss you.

8/16/2020

Dear _____.

I've nearly succeeded in pushing everyone away from me. It hurts. But at the same time. It feels right. I feel protected and so exposed at the same time.

I'm waiting on people to give up on me. Maybe so then I could kill myself and it wouldn't be so bad. That whole idea of... Yeah.

Today marks 2 weeks since. And things have just gotten worse. And I don't know what to do. I've been crying a lot lately hahaha. Like a lot. Like I'll just burst any given second. I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't want to keep hurting and struggling. Am I pathetic for not being able to handle this? If I die, will it justify everything I'm saying? Or further solidify the fact that I was just some mentally incapable fool that did nothing but waste resources.

8/21/2020 - 11:45am

Dear _____.

This is actually the first time I've been awake without being awake for work.

I've been...avoiding. To say the least. This week has just been work. Literally. I did nothing else other than work. I'm getting trained to follow for Dr. Roe. I had my first afternoon doing it on my own hahaha. I think the doctor likes me. He's been teaching me too how to scribe for him and stuff. More work on his part so I appreciate it. But it also means he's okay with me being his assistant too.

Why can't I find the same validation I find in work in everything else. At work. Well. I don't know actually. Maybe I'm working so hard because I'm so afraid of being useless.

But.

I've been. I hope you're doing better than me. I really mean that. I've been crying all week. I still.

Baby I miss you. And I'm so ashamed to face you at this point. I just. Part of me hopes you threw me away at this point.

I'm really fucked up. And. I don't see. I don't have any hope. And I have been. Trying. In my own way. In. Fuck. Like I have been. GOD. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO JUSTIFY THAT. I HAVE BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN. AND THE ONLY THING I. AYE. MEEEE. I CAN HELP COPE IS TO BE ASLEEP. DRUNK. UNCONSCIOUS. BECAUSE. I AM IN THAT MUCH PAIN. and why do I feel like no one gets that.

I've cut off my parents. That's new. I tried. With my dad. I really did. I realized that. I really wanted to trust him. And I did trust him. To carry me. To be there for me. Cause I didn't. I didn't trust anyone else. I kept all my eggs in one basket cause I remember thinking: "if I really am backed into a corner, my dad will understand."

Well fuck that. And that's where my insecurity came from. I have fucking daddy issues.

And. I. I'm just tired. Ian and Kris are i don't know, fucking butt hurt. I'm not talking to my parents. Caleb and Tony. Don't make me laugh. Rob. Same shit. Josh. I don't know.

I am alone.

I've been listening to Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi on repeat.

I know. What a fucking simp

Yeah.

"I'm going under and I feel this time there's no one to save me."

That's the first line.

8/27/2020

Dear _____.

I just passed by Anza and Del Amo on the bus. I don't know if you know... You probably don't lol it's an intersection that I pass driving to Adrianne's house. My heart is still. Hurt. And raw. I know I haven't written in a while. But I think I tried to stop thinking about you. It didn't work obviously. But. Yeah. I went to SJ last weekend to hang out with Caleb, Josh, and Tony. It's interesting. Tony is more of a person I can talk to now. He's at a place in his life where he is trying to become a better person. Be someone that he loves himself and is proud of, prioritizing his own happiness and finding ways to accomplish that. Josh is in the process of recovering from a toxic environment. His startup failed and apparently he had a bad relationship with his business partner Felix.

I don't know. Just. After thinking and focusing on my pain so much. I came to realize, I don't know if this is the right way but I came back to the point of saying that "my shit is in a sea of shit." Not in like a bad way I think, meaning that I am acknowledging my own hurt, but now the question shifted from "fuck everyone else and look at my pain" to "I want to scream and yell and make everything about my pain, but literally everyone is going through something and has gone through something, so...

Now what.

What do I do with my pain while still surrendering the selfishness I so desire and want to exude. What is the mature way to go about handling my pain, even when everything is so painful. Even when I'm contemplating going to a facility.

8/28/2020 - 5:30am

I'm going to work.

I was really low in the middle of the night and stupidly I asked my dad for help again. And seeing things, how he's going about his protocol... I'm tired. I feel like a piece of shit.

8/28/2020

Dear _____.

I just finished work and I'm waiting for my last bus in Torrance. I don't know what to say to you. I've been rehearsing a message in my head for so long. I don't know how it will come off to you. Tomorrow is a. Significant day for you. And I don't know if I should text you or not. Or try to call you.

It's the day your mom passed away. And I made sure to have it in my phone to remember every year. And I just got the notification. And my heart is now heavy. I've been dying for the past month. Since we ended things. Like. I feel like I know myself more but at the same time I don't know what I am becoming. I'm so full of anger and resentment towards my family and my past that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have just been sedating myself. Day after day so I don't think or feel. Now I'm listening to a song called "Lost without you" by Freya Ridings

8/30/2020

Dear _____.

I. am full of so many emotions. but that isn’t your fault.

9/3/2020

Dear _____.

Time is going so slowly. Addiction sucks because even when you want to stop. Even. when you're so disgusted in yourself, you can't. I'm hungover right now at work. Because I couldn't sleep last night. And I am hating myself for it and wondering what the hell I'm going to do at home. I just want to fast forward to... I don't even know what to look forward to anymore. I'm beyond nauseous. I hate nausea. I'm so tired. Of micromanaging my mood. My body. How I feel. I just want it to stop. Everything.

Just stop. Silence. Peace. Calm.

9/16/2020 - 11:20pm

Dear _____,

I miss you

But that’s normal. You were my best friend, my person, for over 10% of my life, and quantifying it that way just makes it seem a lot more significant. But honestly, i don’t know if we’re doing this right, well I don’t know period, but. Its hard, just re-reading what you sent me, and I don’t know if you feel the same way either with what I wrote. I talked to Roy today about, well, everything I couldn’t tell anyone for a couple weeks now. I- well, he mentioned that moving out and getting out of this environment might be something that I should consider as its something within my grasp and something that I can control.

And I’m thinking that I can’t afford it. I’d need roommates, a car, and insurance. All which my paycheck would maybe barely cover. But, a;kfjsl;kfjsadl;kfjsal;f. Goodnight.

9/26/2020

Dear _____.

Have you forgotten about me yet.

It's a thought that I'm juggling around lately. iOS 14 came out. It's making things harder more recently because my phone is just full of you.

10/28/2020

Hey _____.

It's been a month since I talked to you. I keep finding myself checking on your Instagram. Cause your active there. And for some reason. You unblocked me.

I know you did it a while ago. But. Why?

I... I'm still. In the same place. I feel. I hope you're doing better. Seems like you are. I'm scared you'll leave me in the dust. Because. That would mean I was just the one holding you back. And. That's what I think... These days. I've managed to push everyone away. Hahaha... Yeah. I'm just looking at myself. And thinking of all that you suffered through. You were the only one that cared about me that I was confident that you did.

Yet.

I pushed you away to.

And I feel like. I'll never deserve you. Or see the day that I'll be okay enough to have you again.

I'm sorry

I'm terrible.

I miss you.

11/07/2020

Hey _____.

I miss you like crazy. It really hasn't changed since August. I don't know about you. I hope you're doing better.

I. I haven't been writing to you because it's been really painful to think. Really. Everything still reminds me of you. I hope Yoshi's still okay..

11/29/2020

11:40am

Hi _____.

It's been a while since we've talked. Hahaha this is a record...

I actually spent a dream. Going over this message over and over again. Which is why I'm messaging you now.

Ummm. I hope you've been well and healthy. And happy.

I just have so much to apologize for. My mind's more in a settled place than a couple months ago... Well I had more to think through and such. So I was hoping, whenever you're in the area, that we could talk again if that's okay with you.

I see why you said sorry when you texted me last time. I don't feel like I have any right reaching out, jeopardizing any progress that you may have made, but at the same time how conceited of me to think that. So in recognizing that you're doing your own thing and being fully capable of handling things, I'm reaching out.

I hope you've been finding more pockets of time to...

I miss you. And I realize how much I did depend on you for things. And I'm sorry. For putting so much on you.

I hope we can talk soon... And if not that's okay too.

Okay, bye.

11/29/2020

8:33pm

i can’t believe it was you all along

cause the moment you left, so did my breath

i didn’t steward my gifts correctly

not realizing that what was here

was the thing i most desired.

Your safety, love, i rejected

how could i not recognize it?

Because it was foreign,

never attainted, never expected

and furthermore

never fulfilled.

But there it was,

labeled by me, whose vocabulary

only went to the extent of

“needy”… How-

wisdom is folly to the fool.

You took me through boot camp,

and i had the audacity to call it

“traumatized”, well in a sense yes,

but 20/20, looking back,

started the foundation for me not to follow down the same marriage problems as my parents.

You…

were a mirror.

I, saw myself,

flaws and all, removing the smoke from my misconceptions.

From my broken ideals from life that were indeed passed down

from a broken individual,

from whom you saw issues,

from which I was shaken, but shrugged off.

I didn’t believe it.

“Your dad controls a lot of your life”

“He makes a lot of decisions for you”. . .

You were right.

and as I type that i choke up at the memory of you gloating. With a smirk, looking as lovely as ever.

Cupping your ear as if you didn’t hear me the first time.

Just to earn an encore and a kiss.

i miss you. And I’m sorry.

You were the plugs in my insecurities

but without knowing, i called it suffocating.

You know what i miss the most?

Having the option… No rather seeing your mad face when I didn’t tell you I was in the emergency room.

I was hospitalized. and all i could think about, through the sweat, vomit, and burring in my chest, was the image of you, sitting in the chair across from me, holding my hand, concerned.

I miss that. I think. I did that once. With you.

I was so stupid.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

12/6/2020

4:12pm

Hey _____

About Wednesday. I've been giving it a lot of thought, thinking about my intentions and what i'd want to say. But it just all really boiled down to the fact that I just want to talk to you. Don't get me wrong, I do have things I want to say and thank, there is still purpose in me wanting to talk, but I think I'm in a place where I'd be prone to just share everything I want. In short, very emotional. Lol. Which. Thinking about you, and thinking realistically about who you are too... you'd eat it up as well. Just being the caring and having been someone you cared for.

Um, I've been back and forth on this so much since I messaged you- because honestly I do miss you. But I want to wait. Until I have more pieces on the table.

The next time i hopefully see you in person is when ill have a date for rehab to share with you.

But to further explain.

Since we broke up, I isolated myself.

Friends.

Family.

Me myself and I every day.

I have been learning more and more about myself. Looking at my family from a distance, seeing what I would want and need in a friendship. Who I consider friends. It's been tough to say the least. Drinking and such has been. Interesting throughout this process. And hopefully I'll be able to tell you one day.

But, as much as it doesn't seem so its all been more or less calculated hahaha, I guess.

I've been silently mobilizing forces.

Thinking up war plans at 5 in the morning, while taking the bus to work. I've been communing with God too. Don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed at him. But. He's been injecting... dreams into my head. Of who I could be, where my talents are, and how I could utilize them to the best of my ability. My job has been highlighting my strengths. Even a place where they are praised and recognized by my peers. I know what I was built to do. Well, I think I do at this point. I've been affirmed by patients as well. I'm going to be a powerful doctor. A good doctor. Someone who could mobilize resources in a moment's notice. Practical and helpful resources. To meet the needs of those who don't have the ability to. The distance I could reach. I can see it. For the first time hahaha.

I have major daddy issues I've learned, to put it lightly. And maybe obviously to you. And it's led me to major pains and hurt in my life that I didn't know was a part of me. I haven't talked to my dad in close to 3 months. Actually. Causally. Still living under the same roof. But I managed to isolate myself at home, not speaking to anyone beyond a hello, goodbye, or goodnight. I had so much stuff appearing all at once, it was an absolute shock. The pain and dismay was incredible.

I ditched Kris and Ian as well... And along with that, Nathan. Something happened. And I just never reached out again. Neither did they. Which. I don't know....

So that's been around happening since that same time as my dad. And naturally, Inae, and my mom as well.

Tony, Caleb, Isaac, and Josh. I've been. Not talking to them either much. Maybe only a handful of times since August.

So see. The amount of things I have stored up to just share, just for someone to listen.

And you're that person I want listening.

Because after you left, I realized that I did let you in. Well, more than I ever did with anyone else. As much as I did push you away, you were my best shot at anyone coming close. And I wanted to let you in, while still petrified of this foreign concept. And I'm scared that now I know what I'm missing, that I'll just share too much. Just to maybe get a taste or a glimpse of what my heart has been looking for. But.

I've done this before.

You always wanted something concrete. Like "I will quit 'insert date and plan'". Not cause you're demanding, but in dating an addict, was something that left you guessing and unsure. So in my first step.

To win you back. For the long term. I don't know how this will play out. If you'll even want to. If you'd move on. But. I guess just right now this is what I want to do.

So.

When we meet in person is when I'll tell you when I'm going to rehab. And by that time, all of this that I want to share with you will have a point.

Right now. It's all a feeling. I have a plan. But I've always had a plan. And I don't trust myself either. But I'm preparing things to get moving earliest by mid January. Latest by February.

I want to give you hope. And proof. For the first time in such a long time. To, yes, show you who you invested in, and who I could be, who you saw me as.

I miss you. And I love you. To the moon and back.

12/20/2020

8:33am

Dear _____.

My heart still tugs when I use your name. It's been about 4 months now. And.

12/25/2020

3:08pm

Merry Christmas _____.

Umm. I think this is my first Christmas without you in 3 years? Maybe 4? Umm. It doesn't feel the same ahahh. Obviously. I miss your excitement about the holidays. I don't seem to have any. It sucked looking for gifts this year, with the small voice in my head still saying "Mindy would like that."

Wow I'm really depressed today. I didn't expect this.

My hair's getting long. I don't think you'd like it honestly.

How long... I'm lost. I feel like I'm fooling people again.

I still miss you. I still wonder if you're thinking about me. When should I stop? Because I don't think I want to. And it's just setting me up for a bigger fall later. I just want to ask you everything. And. Just talk to you.

Merry Christmas. I hope you have a joyful day.

01/03/2020

8:21am

Current BAC: 0.081%

Hey love.

It's about T-18hrs until rehab. And I know I have tendency to make it dramatic but. It feels that way to me.

I miss you.

And I'm sad that you didn't. No. That was my fault. To be honest. I didn't expect rehab to happen so suddenly as soon as I reached out. I guess that's expected of the facilities. If they see that you're a good fit for the program, why would they wait. So I apologize for...springing things on you. I didn't realize I didn't have that much time either. I wish I contacted you sooner. But. At that time my head was still going back and forth, well more forth than back, but again I didn't have a solid answer. Just a motive.

I still think about you every day.

I still have a picture of us in my wallet.

I want to apologize for rejecting the care you gave me. And then accusing you for not caring in the first place.

I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I didn't know what care looked like and I just dismissed it as "clingy" or "sensitive". I've seen the way that this has hurt you. And I'm so sorry for the fact that I see that I didn't have the facilities to see/accept that.

Regarding me letting you down, specifically in the corney romantic department. Again. You want these things, and you find that love and affection is shown best in these gestures. I couldn't see that this is a way of showing care for someone. I didn't get it. Why. So over the top, so embarrassing... But it's not embarrassing. It's sweet. And I realized that if you did the same for me, it would take a lot for me to see the love before the embarrassment I feel or something so substantially superficial.

I have a lot I think I can do better now.

You are the only one for me.

And I know that.

So much more clearly now because I've experienced what it's like without you. Like I've said before, you are the best thing that has happened to me, and I want to make sure that I keep it. I am going to find you again.

And it will be so much better now that you see the things that I will have done and changed first and foremost for myself.

Love, I can't wait to tell you about my dream.

I can't wait to tell you about the passions that are stirring in my heart.

I want to grow with you. I want to show you that you did invest into the right person. That you're hope was not misplaced.

I don't know what to expect.

I'm letting go of nicotine, marijuana, and alcohol all in one go.

I'm sure you're thinking about what this means for you in the future.

I... I can't ask that of you. And that's something that will remain and outstanding variable. Until I ask you in person.

I still love you. And I won't let go until you tell me otherwise.

So until then, I hope you are well. I hope your family is healthy and safe.

To the moon and back.

PS.

Not one of my friends answered when I called today. I'm going tomorrow at 2pm to rehab. But I'm spending a half day at work. So.

I miss you.

I wish you were here... But at the same time. I'm glad that you're not....

I wouldn't want you to see me like this.

-.-----.-._.-------._.---------.--------.----._.-------

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spiderashe · 2 years

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Im so tired already and its only 5pm

But thats what I get for procrastinating again.

But I'm almost finished my essay!

What was intending to be an essay about the symbolism of roads in Thoreau's 'Walden', has now turned into a piece on the dualities of roads, routes and mobility. I've managed to bring in not only Native American literature (as mentioned previously), but also somehow I've looped in some of Rukeyser's work too. I probably won't get a great grade because I've gone off topic, but seeing as my lecturer is a big fan of Ginsberg and Thoreau's works- specifically the transcendentalist pieces- I'd say I'll at least pass reasonably well.

So now it's onto my political placement report... and then to actually start studying for the exams that I have starting on Monday that I haven't looked at yet.... I'm a tired idiot :)

#Ive been working nonstop for 7 hours #ive been told by many to take a break #god cant even catch me now #im running on pure caffiene and spite #im a combination of hamlet and hamiltons worst qualities #i procrastinate all the time #but dammit when i do the work I don't stop #im gonna go edit this essay and then drive to big tesco #i ran out of coffee 3 hours ago #merry christmas

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owlf45 · 4 years

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*lovingly* owl where is the rest of Safe Space? 🔪 💖

Hidden within the vast compartment that is my brain

#and in progress when i can get a fucking break from school #ive been working nonstop for the past 7 hours and i still have 4 assignments due tomorrow #its my fault for signing up for 7 college level courses 😔#its okay my genius will carry me through this troubling and stressful time #i will t r i u m p h #my asks #safe space

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merrysithmas · 2 years

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so i texted the doctor i work with at 1 am because i had awful food poisoning last night (i am still sick now and was nauseous and exhausted all day bc i didnt sleep). my shift starts at 7AM, so if there is an issue with staffing obviously it's going to need to be reported at night as with most medical jobs just by nature of how early i have to start.

i couldnt get through to the manager or anyone else at the office (the manager and staff is having an immature pissing war with each other for the past 3 weeks so none of them have their phones on). so i had no choice but to text the doctor - who owns the practice and thus is responsible for staffing in the end.

he also hasnt hired any help in 6 months so we are VERY understaffed and have no coverage.

so mid throwing up 12 times he responds to my text by saying:

"it's 1am. there's nothing i can do right now. and i really need you to come in at 7."

1. you didnt hire coverage. so YOU go in if there is a problem

2. i texted you early so you could contact the manager to have her come in early in the morning and cover, OR have her cancel the early patients until someone else arrived

3. i am literally vomiting my guts out. how will i be okay to work in 5 hours?

can you fucking believe that? ive worked nonstop covid shit for him for 2 years with the only time i called off after i got my covid shot.

so mid throwing up i had to text EVERYONE, find my own cover, ignore his total disrespect and text back that i found someone with pure detachment otherwise i wouldve just been furious.

needless to say im giving my 2 weeks notice on friday.

Fuck. These. People.

#i also have another job so i dont give one fuck #the thanks i get for my selfless frontline healthcare work lmao #fuck these people #but im very excited to leave this job

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dearly · 3 years

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Pete Wentz (6:39:20 PM): Hey Ryan Ross (6:39:39 PM): hey Pete Wentz (6:40:09 PM): Is this the guy fro poanic at the disco Ryan Ross (6:40:23 PM): yeah im ryan, is this pete? Pete Wentz (6:41:12 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (6:41:18 PM): hey man Pete Wentz (6:42:37 PM): How arer you Ryan Ross (6:43:17 PM): im not bad, working on a paper for english. hows everything with the new record? Pete Wentz (6:44:37 PM): Going really well Pete Wentz (6:45:04 PM): How's everything wiht your band are those just remixes Ryan Ross (6:46:01 PM): awesome, yeah we only did those on my laptop because we cant get into a studio yet. but we still have alot of those parts live and full band Pete Wentz (6:46:25 PM): Does it have samples like that Pete Wentz (6:46:42 PM): How many people are in the band.... Are you guys all in hicghschool Ryan Ross (6:47:20 PM): do you mean do we use a sampler? our drummer uses a drum sampler which we put some of the stuff on, and he plays some of it Ryan Ross (6:47:43 PM): im in college. im 18 the other three of them are 17 and in high school Pete Wentz (6:48:26 PM): Like of the pure volume site songs what would not be part of your live show Ryan Ross (6:50:18 PM): well right now the synth stuff because we need a keyboard player. we are trying out a few guys soon though. and some of the drum parts are different. Pete Wentz (6:50:48 PM): I absolutely love the stuff Ryan Ross (6:52:16 PM): but we have two guitar players one sings and i play lead. its kind of hard to describe it. we are a rock band but about half of a song will be dance-ish or sort of 80s sounding Ryan Ross (6:52:28 PM): really? wow thanks alot man Ryan Ross (6:53:12 PM): it really is a huge compliment coming from you Ryan Ross (6:53:35 PM): i was actually really suprised you listened to it Ryan Ross (6:53:40 PM): i didnt expect you to see it Pete Wentz (6:54:00 PM): Is there some pics of you guys anywhere Ryan Ross (6:55:10 PM): no, we are taking them pretty soon for the website, its just not done yet. i have some just of me on livejournal. but thats wierd haha Pete Wentz (6:56:09 PM): Yeah fuck get some to me Pete Wentz (6:56:19 PM): I think I may come see you in californaia Ryan Ross (6:56:44 PM): really? Ryan Ross (6:57:08 PM): that would be awesome Pete Wentz (6:57:46 PM): I've been listeneing to those songs nonstop. Is the band a side thing or is it gonna be fulltime? Ryan Ross (6:58:20 PM): no its full time Ryan Ross (6:59:24 PM): well aside from school. which sucks Ryan Ross (6:59:32 PM): but we want to do this Pete Wentz (7:00:00 PM): When are those kids out of school Ryan Ross (7:00:26 PM): the drummer and bass player are graduating early. so like january and other guitarist/singer graduates in the spring Pete Wentz (7:01:16 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:01:23 PM): Do you know about my label Ryan Ross (7:01:46 PM): yeah i think i saw something a while ago on a journal entry, is gym class heroes the only band on it right now? Pete Wentz (7:03:10 PM): Yeah. I signed the academy. But they are fbr strictly gym class and I am looking for another Pete Wentz (7:03:33 PM): The cool thing about it is I just met with waner and they want both of the bands and to give me an imprint Ryan Ross (7:03:55 PM): oh cool i like the academy alot, oh i see yea i was going to ask you about that Pete Wentz (7:04:03 PM): Which pretty much means a lot more money to promote cool artists Pete Wentz (7:04:14 PM): You guys plays out a lot? Ryan Ross (7:04:39 PM): thats awesome man. actually no we just kind of started this thing up a few months ago, the show in victorville is going to be our first one Pete Wentz (7:05:51 PM): Really Pete Wentz (7:05:56 PM): Interesting Pete Wentz (7:06:11 PM): How much do you guys practice Ryan Ross (7:06:45 PM): we've been trying to figure out the best way to do this stuff live, and we've been having a hard time on figuring out how to make it sound good. depending on the place we might not be able to use all the electronic stuff that we want to do which sucks but alot of venues, at least here might have a hard time setting us up. we practice at

least 4 times a week so like. between 24-30 hours a week Pete Wentz (7:07:09 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:07:21 PM): I am gonna come to the show Ryan Ross (7:08:13 PM): we wish we could more often. but school is getting in the way. and it sucks cause parents think its a waste of time playing music and want me to focus on school. im sure you know how that is. Ryan Ross (7:08:23 PM): thanks alot man really Pete Wentz (7:08:55 PM): I do Pete Wentz (7:09:05 PM): What are peoples reactions to it Ryan Ross (7:10:04 PM): some good some bad. everyone is so into post hardcore stuff these days that some kids just brush it off. which is fine but then some kids like it cause its a little different i guess Pete Wentz (7:11:30 PM): Can that kid sing live? Ryan Ross (7:12:54 PM): yeah, he's been taking voice lessons for a little bit so thats starting to help him Pete Wentz (7:13:19 PM): Is he on? I mean on here he sounds awesome Ryan Ross (7:14:21 PM): yeah he's on pitch, we recorded that stuff with like a 100 dollar vocal mic. the only effects we used was pretty much reverb on the main parts. Pete Wentz (7:14:42 PM): Yeah sounds good kind of like patrick Pete Wentz (7:14:47 PM): I like it Ryan Ross (7:16:57 PM): yeah thats the only thing we get that alot. and thats just how the kid sings. we like your band but we dont want to sound like you guys, or be compared to fob all the time you know? but yeah he is aware that kids say he sounds like patrick so he's just trying different vocal stuff sometimes. Pete Wentz (7:19:06 PM): Here's the thing if I show you guys interest a lot of crappy labels are gonna come and do the same and I don't want a huge mess out there. I mean how interested are you guys in going fulltime when you can Pete Wentz (7:19:19 PM): Yeah you'll get eh patrock thing but how many people. Sound like hime Ryan Ross (7:19:47 PM): so you really think we've got potential then? Pete Wentz (7:19:54 PM): I do Ryan Ross (7:20:05 PM): i've wanted to play in a band for my job ever since i started high school at least. Ryan Ross (7:20:07 PM): we all want to do this Ryan Ross (7:21:05 PM): its like i cant put enough dedication into anything exept playing guitar and writing Pete Wentz (7:23:01 PM): I'm with you Ryan Ross (7:24:05 PM): but yeah. i cant see myself doing anything else but playing in a band, cause every job i've ever had ive hated it Pete Wentz (7:24:57 PM): You don't have a picture of the band Ryan Ross (7:25:44 PM): no, but if you need it i could have my buddy take some tomorrow at practice Pete Wentz (7:26:58 PM): That would be rad Ryan Ross (7:27:37 PM): okay we'll take some Ryan Ross (7:28:08 PM): are you online much? Pete Wentz (7:33:12 PM): Sometimes Ryan Ross (7:33:35 PM): okay, i was just wondering if this was your email incase you arent on i'll just send them Pete Wentz (7:34:17 PM): Yeah send it here for sure Ryan Ross (7:34:36 PM): okay Ryan Ross (7:34:55 PM): dude this better not be a joke, it better be you Pete Wentz (7:35:12 PM): It is Pete Wentz (7:35:34 PM): But there are a lot of fakers out there Ryan Ross (7:35:55 PM): okay. yeah i know someone has shown me like fake journals of you and stuff. thats creepy Ryan Ross (7:36:10 PM): thats why i asked if it was you for sure Pete Wentz (7:36:32 PM): This guy who is iming me is your manager Ryan Ross (7:37:03 PM): is it xxxtoughffxxx ? Pete Wentz (7:37:22 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (7:37:38 PM): i dont know if he's our manager. he's our friend, he's been helping us out with a website, merch and the show in victorville Ryan Ross (7:38:35 PM): he's starting a company up and he wants to help us out Pete Wentz (7:43:04 PM): Ah I got t Pete Wentz (7:43:32 PM): It Pete Wentz (7:43:37 PM): You guys are awesome and if its what I think it is I want ti to be thenext academy Ryan Ross (7:44:58 PM): wow thanks alot. i hope you like the stuff live, its not completely different but it is different. i mean the singing is the same and all that. Pete Wentz (7:47:46 PM): cool Pete Wentz (7:48:06 PM): You guys look good. The chicks gonna be swooning? Ryan Ross (7:48:38 PM): once we get

a keyboard player who can do all of the sampling we want to do it will be alot better too. its like we know how we want to sound, but just finding the right way to do it i guess is what we are working on. Ryan Ross (7:48:40 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:48:51 PM): i dont know man, we look alright i guess Ryan Ross (7:48:57 PM): we look young Pete Wentz (7:49:42 PM): Youngs not abd at all Pete Wentz (7:49:47 PM): How does the singiner look Ryan Ross (7:50:05 PM): dead sexy. Ryan Ross (7:50:41 PM): he's no pete wentz. but still Pete Wentz (7:51:42 PM): Hahaha Pete Wentz (7:51:54 PM): Goddamn as long as he looks cool.singing Pete Wentz (7:52:14 PM): For sure send me pics and all how many songs you guys have? Ryan Ross (7:52:39 PM): haha Ryan Ross (7:53:00 PM): kk Ryan Ross (7:53:54 PM): we've only got 4 right now, its been tough to write since school started and everyone's busier. and those are the first 4 songs we've written as a band. at the show we'll play those and a cover of new order maybe. or depeche mode. we dont know yet Pete Wentz (7:56:08 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:56:21 PM): I gotta run Pete Wentz (7:56:32 PM): But ill hit you on here later Pete Wentz (7:56:38 PM): Send me those pics and write the hits Ryan Ross (7:56:43 PM): okay dude. good talking to you Pete Wentz (7:56:43 PM): Peaaaaaace Ryan Ross (7:56:44 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:56:47 PM): later man Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 7:56:51 PM. Auto response from Pete Wentz: Igot99problems Pete Wentz is back at the computer as of 10:05:48 PM. Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 10:06:23 PM.

#pete wentz #ryan ross #brendon urie #i just don't trust shit not being deleted anymore don't mind me #reference #bandom #long post #panic at the disco

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mosquitogirl · 3 years

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ive been working nonstop all day and i still have another thing at 7 for at least an hour and a half😭😭😭 lend me your strength please…..

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lesbeet · 3 years

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ugh it's back to school night 😩 it's virtual which is so much better than if the parents all came into the building but still lol ive been working pretty much nonstop for 12 hours (i usually get here at 7 and i do planning and prep work and grading during my off hours, and then did the same between school ending today and this starting in a few minutes) and my brain is MUSH by this time of day in general so. it's gonna be interesting lol

another nice thing is that we had the option to pre-record our presentation and then just sign onto zoom for a 10 min q+a session instead of doing the presentation live over zoom. and the parents will be chat-only and can only chat with the meeting host. so that'll be good even if it's kind of awkward w me being the only one having my video on

but one of my co-teachers wanted to do our class live so we'll see how that goes lmao. i literally am incoherent at this point in the day bc im exhausted and my adderall wore off hours ago....

so i'm hoping since i teach all juniors and bc i sent out the pre-recorded video i just won't get a lot of parents signing on 🤞

#wish me luck i wanna die

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perfeggso · 3 years

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Noir (yutae)

Week IV pt. 1

Tokyo – fall of 1983: Nakamoto Yuta is quickly rising in the ranks of one of Japan’s most notorious yakuza families, and he’s poised to climb even further if he can stop himself from being ruined by the pretty Korean boy who’s shown up out of nowhere.

Glossary of Japanese words

Characters: Yuta x Taeyong + NCT ensemble, Twice J-line (for funsies)

Genres: Gang!AU, angst, smut, fluff, 1980s!AU

Warnings: graphic violence, swearing, minor character death, alcohol use, mentions of drugs, period-typical homophobia, xenophobia, BDSM

Rating: 18+

Length: 7k

“Okay,” said Yuta, “this is the last time I’ll ask – I promise. You’re sure I didn’t scare you last night?”

Taeyong sat in the passenger side of Yuta’s car, waiting in the pick-up area at Narita International Airport the morning after their first night together, listening to "4:00AM" by Taeko Onuki. He rolled his eyes.

“Yuta,” he began, “if I was going to be scared of you – which I am not, by the way – it wouldn’t be because you startled me when you yelled in the middle of the night, I can tell you that much.”

The night before, Taeyong had fallen asleep in Yuta’s arms; tired, sated, and oh so happy. His little bundle of positivity only unwound when he was shaken rudely awake in the early hours of the morning by Yuta screaming. It didn’t last for long, partially because Taeyong had used all the wits he could gather to coo over Yuta, calming him down and easing his tension, but it had been disturbing, nonetheless. When Taeyong felt like he’d waited a sufficiently long time for Yuta to regain his bearings, he’d ventured to ask what was the matter. All Yuta could put into words was that he’d had a bad dream, and that for as long as he could remember, his bad dreams could sometimes get horrifying or tangible enough to make him react quite violently in the real world, and he was sorry. Taeyong didn’t press him on what that particular dream was about, but it must have been quite upsetting. Who knew what kinds of things Yuta had seen in his life for his unconscious brain to draw upon? Anyway, the next morning Yuta couldn’t stop the incident from preoccupying him, apparently very worried that it would somehow make him less desirable or something. Taeyong was having none of it.

Yuta sighed as he sank farther into the driver’s seat, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. Taeyong felt a little pang of guilt that he might have insinuated that maybe he should fear Yuta for other, non-nightmare-related reasons. But like he said, he didn’t. He didn’t fear Yuta even though he’d watched him kill another man with his own eyes. Yuta was too sweet and odd, too predictably human, and made him feel too good to scare him.

“Okay, good. It just happens sometimes. Haven’t figured out how to control it yet,�� Yuta said. He switched the topic. “How’s your ass, by the way?” Taeyong smiled to himself.

“It’s fine, but you did bruise me a tiny bit.”

Now it was Yuta smiling. “Sorry.” He didn’t seem very sorry, though. “Don’t Change” by INXS started to play over the radio.

“I don’t care,” Taeyong admitted. “I like a little reminder of who made me feel like this.”

“Good,” said Yuta. “Next time I’ll mark you up deliberately.”

Taeyong’s breath caught in his throat. Should they even be talking about this on the job? Wasn’t Yuta worried about being distracted? Still, he filed Yuta’s promise away in his mind so he could hold him to his word.

“You wanted tattoos, anyway,” Yuta teased. “I can give you the low commitment version.”

“You’re kinda corny sometimes, you know?” Taeyong said, causing Yuta to splutter laughter.

“Yeah,” he confessed, “I know.” He turned to regard Taeyong with a smile.

Taeyong hadn’t brought anything with him last night to change into for the next day, so (with permission!) he’d raided Yuta’s closet. Taeyong wouldn’t have minded wearing his clothes from the night before – they weren’t particularly slutty and no one he’d be seeing today had seen him in them the previous night – but they still smelled pretty bad from all the sweat and spilled alcohol lodged in their threads. Instead, Taeyong got to smell like Yuta.

He wore a Bauhaus t-shirt, black jeans, and a gray blazer with a little gold pin with the Inagawa-kai logo on it attached to the lapel. Yuta wore the same one on his black, patent-leather peacoat. He had paired that with black aviator sunglasses for a truly eye-catching combination. Taeyong thought it was funny that Yuta seemed incapable of not dressing like a mobster.

Before Yuta could say whatever he was about to, a blue BMW pulled up right next to them and rolled down the window, revealing Taeil in the driver’s seat and Mark by his side. Taeil was yelling something Taeyong couldn’t hear over the sound of departing airplanes, and apparently Yuta couldn’t understand it either because he yelled back for Taeil to repeat himself.

“What?” Taeil asked instead.

“He’s wondering if you’ve gotten any updates!” Mark repeated.

“No!” Yuta responded. “And why are you double-parking me? Just pull up a little!”

Taeil obliged and parked in front of Yuta and Taeyong, getting out once he’d cut the engine and walking to Yuta’s window. Yuta turned off the radio.

“Why do you need an update?” he asked.

Taeil rested his hands on the car door. “Because,” he explained, “Mark was hanging around headquarters and really wanted to come even though I kept telling him that if they brought more than one extra person with them I would not hesitate to leave him at the airport.”

“Why didn’t you just say no?” Yuta inquired.

“Because I thought he’d tell you I said no and then you’d be annoyed.”

Taeyong sat there as this whole interaction played out, watching Mark watch them from Taeil’s car. It seemed like Mark got a lot of preferential treatment. Not that Taeyong could talk.

“Alright,” said Yuta. “It’s not a problem. I don’t have any reason to believe there will be more people with Kun than he said.”

Taeil clapped his hands over the car door a couple of times. “Okay, just checking. Shategashira ?”

“Yeah?”

“ Would you have been annoyed with me?”

Yuta pondered the question for a minute, eyes dancing around the cabin of his car. “Probably,” he eventually admitted, smiling and looking at Taeil out of the corner of his eye.

“Knew it!”

Part of Taeyong wanted to know what Yuta’s deal was with Mark, scared the curiosity might be coming from a place of burgeoning jealousy. Taeyong was over the moon about his relationship with Yuta, but sometimes he cursed his own decision making. His infatuations always stressed him out terribly, and his situation was already stressful enough.

He watched as a group of well-dressed men exited the door Kun and his people were supposed to be emerging from. Yuta and Taeil were still talking – something to do with their meeting preparations, no doubt – and hadn’t seemed to notice the new arrivals in the pickup area.

“Is that them?” Taeyong asked.

Yuta and Taeil both snapped their heads in the direction Taeyong was pointing. Yuta blinked.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “It is.”

“How many were there supposed to be?” Taeyong asked as a follow-up.

“Seven,” Taeil answered this time. “They brought two extras with them. Fuck.”

“Looks like someone’s going in the trunk,” Yuta joked.

Taeyong and Yuta got out of the car, walking over to the Triads with Taeil and Mark, who’d finally stepped out onto the curb. Taeyong thought he caught Mark giving him a once-over, perhaps registering the presence of Yuta’s clothing on his body.

“I thought I told you to stay at your post,” Yuta scolded.

Mark shrugged. “I thought this was a special occasion.”

The Triads were more inconspicuous than the Inagawa-kai usually were, their tall builds and dark clothing lending them all an appearance more akin to a celebrity and his bodyguards (although who the celebrity was could be up to interpretation) than to a group of criminals.

Kun, or at least the man Taeyong assumed was Kun, stood at the front of a near perfect triangle of his men, a relaxed confidence defining his features.

Kun and Yuta acknowledged each other with a bow.

“ Shategashira , good to see you,” Kun greeted.

“ Fu Shan Chu , the honor’s all mine.”

Taeyong didn’t know what Kun’s title meant, but he had a feeling Yuta wasn’t pronouncing it very well. Not that he could have done any better. As Taeil and Mark quickly extended their own greetings, Taeyong prayed a silent ‘thank you’ that the Triads all spoke Japanese; he didn’t need to be any more confused than he already was basically nonstop. Although after a moment of thought, he realized this made perfect sense considering these men had been hand-picked to attend an important business meeting (if you could call it a “business meeting”) in Japan.

“Taeyong,” Yuta began, the indulgent tone Taeyong had grown more and more used to him using when they were together overtaking his voice, “I want you to meet some dear friends.”

Kun introduced himself first as a Deputy, second in command of his syndicate and in charge of international business; then came Sicheng, a skilled tracker and fighter despite his lithe build; followed by Ten, the Hong Kong liaison for the group’s Thai offshoot who explained by way of introduction that, since no one could ever pronounce his real name, he went by ‘Ten’ for the number of people he’d personally “interrogated” by the time he decided he needed a nickname (“but now I’ve lost count”). The three of them were followed by Yukhei, a tall Hong Kong native and self-described yes-man for Ten; Dejun, who kept his introduction succinct but fixed an almost manic positive energy on Taeyong the whole time he spoke; Kunhang, the “Macanese Snoop,” whatever that meant; and Yangyang who once worked for the Taiwanese Triads and was in charge of smuggling since he used to do it between West and East Germany for some reason Taeyong didn’t quite catch. The seven men were able to pack so much information into their introductions because they kept jumping in on each other’s sentences, adding information they deemed pertinent about their friends seemingly as a way of hyping one another up.

Once the seven men in front finished, Yuta peaked exaggeratedly to the back of the group to address the stragglers.

“And you two, it seems to me, are none other than Zhong Chenle and Huang Renjun, all grown up now, hm?” The pair smiled mischievously at each other. They wore almost schoolboy-like suits that looked a little too expensive to be trusted in the hands of a late teen or early twenty-something, as they appeared to be.

“Hello Yuta-san,” they each chimed, a bit out of synch.

“I can tell that you’ve aged too, Shategashira,” quipped the shorter of the two. The taller joined in.

“Yeah, please make sure you’re getting enough sleep, sir.” Chenle and Renjun tittered as the Triads rolled their eyes and Kun shot them an absolutely lethal glare.

“I’d be careful if I were you,” Mark jested from over Taeyong’s left shoulder. “You’re on Yuta’s turf now and I can promise from experience you don’t want to see him pissed. Can’t run to your daddies here.”

Now it was Chenle rolling his eyes. “Shut the fuck up, Mark,” he said, and Mark cackled in amusement.

“Thank you, Mark,” Taeil interjected, a cautious impatience practically dripping from his voice. “I think our Shategashira can defend himself.”

“Great!” said Yuta, trying to regain control of the interaction. Taeyong was starting to get nervous because they were all still standing out in the open outside one of Narita’s many exits, and it wouldn’t have taken that much imagination on the part of an onlooker to identify them as a group of gangsters. Yuta didn’t seem nervous though, so Taeyong pushed his anxiety as far down as he could until it was nearly imperceptible. Yuta leaned closer to him a bit as he aimed to guide Taeyong through their ongoing introductions.

“Those two meiwaku are the sons of Triad commanders. They’re completely spoiled, as you can see.” Taeyong almost giggled, amused by the amount of time Yuta seemed to spend getting bullied by people who were barely out of high school. Yuta continued. “So that’s everyone,” he concluded, pulling away from Taeyong.

“I’m humbled to meet you all,” Taeyong said, brain overloaded for the hundredth time in a month by all the new faces and by Yuta’s proximity.

Yuta brushed his finger over Taeyong’s sleeve. It was a small movement and he doubted anyone else saw, but Taeyong had to suppress the heat threatening to overtake his face. Yuta never got into the personal space of his subordinates while conducting business, but then again, Taeyong was an exception in more ways than one. He couldn’t decide if he was more irritated by Yuta messing with him or by his own oversensitivity.

“You don’t have to use kenjougo with them,” Yuta joked. “Polite language will do. They’re all younger than you, anyway.”

Taeyong balked. He knew that Chenle and Renjun were young, but his tone hadn’t been meant for them. And he thought Yuta was a prodigy...

“You want to introduce yourself, Taeyong?” Yuta suggested.

“Oh, right! Hello, my name is Lee Taeyong and I’m sort of a member-in-training, I suppose. I’m helping Yuta prepare for your upcoming meeting.” Taeyong bowed, having rushed through his introduction, and he was glad no one could see his downcast eyes go wide when he felt Yuta’s palm just above the small of his back, guiding him upright. Could he not?

“Taeyong’s been a great asset to us lately,” said Yuta, and Taeyong thought he detected the tiniest hint of teasing in his words. “I trust you’ll all come to appreciate him as we have.”

Taeyong heard Taeil sigh from behind him. “We should be going,” he stated, “but I regret to inform you that one of the pipsqueaks is going to need to improvise in terms of seating on the way into the city. We were expecting fewer people.”

Kun smiled wryly. “Maybe I should have hired a professional driver,” he joked and Taeil stiffened in irritation. “But no,” he continued, “I understand. These two insisted last minute on a vacation to Tokyo and their fathers didn’t listen to my concerns about bringing them, so here we are. We’ll figure it out.”

“Shall we?” asked Yuta, turning on his heel towards the parked cars, and Kun made a hand motion that signaled for all the Triads to follow.

“You know,” said Taeil, as he watched Mark drop back in formation to share more personal greetings with some of his Triad buddies, “we could just put Mark in the trunk, and this wouldn’t be an issue. He did insist on joining after all.”

Mark turned his attention from Yukhei to Taeil and scowled. “If you do that, I’ll yell so loud you get pulled over and then I’ll say I’m being kidnapped by the yakuza,” he warned.

Ten sidled up to Mark and regarded him casually, a smirk forming on his face. “Uh-huh,” he said, “and what do you think the cops will make of that Irezumi on your wrist?”

“Shut up,” said Mark, seeming to resign himself to an uncomfortable ride back.

Taeyong and Yuta returned to their car, trailed by Ten, Kun, and a skittish Renjun who held a finger to his lips as he slipped into the middle seat in back. Taeyong paused in front of the vehicle for a moment, next to the passenger side door. He was fairly certain he wasn’t supposed to sit shotgun, considering he had the lowest rank of the five of them save Renjun. He looked at Yuta questioningly, expecting a word or gesture directing him to the back seats. Instead, Yuta nodded for Taeyong to enter where he was, so Taeyong opened the door and sat in front, trying to be small and invisible by moving as little as possible. Kun and Ten didn’t seem to question it.

“Thank you for choosing Inagawa chauffeur service,” Yuta said jokingly once everyone was inside. It took a moment to get going because Mark was trying to force Chenle into the trunk of Taeil’s car and Chenle responded by flailing and emitting a screech so high in pitch that Taeyong worried it might shatter all the windows of both cars.

“You’re a smart boy, Renjun,” Kun stated, “choosing to come in this car.”

“Yeah,” Ten chimed, “what would you have done if we tried to force you into the trunk?”

Renjun smirked. “I have a pocket knife on me and I’m not afraid to use it…” he explained in response, making everyone laugh. In front of them, Mark pouted as the trunk door finally closed over him. Taeyong caught a smile on Yuta’s face out of his peripheral vision as both car engines started.

***

Taeyong had only been to the “training room” at headquarters a couple of times before. The first time had been when Doyoung decided to nab him and teach him knife throwing, and the second was when Jaehyun asked him to hold arm pads for him to punch. The space was painted yellow from floor to ceiling and had harsh lighting and mold growing like shadows in the corners. One section had weights, mats, and boxing equipment set up next to a mirror; one, some knives and targets; and one, a table and small sitting area.

The Triads had only been in town a few hours and already, they seemed to be getting quite comfortable. When Taeyong had a moment of free time, Ten and a few others grabbed him without explanation and dragged him off to go “have some fun and get to know each other.” Apparently, that meant subjecting him to public mortification.

Sicheng had his arms wrapped around Taeyong’s midsection, bending him over and essentially demobilizing him. Taeyong breathed heavily, unable to do anything but struggle and watch the speckled floor under him shift along with his jerky movements.

“Sicheng, maybe go easy on him?” he heard Kunhang suggest from the table area, where some of the Triads were sat watching.

“I thought Inagawa was tougher than this,” Yangyang heckled, and Taeyong felt hot shame pile on top of his bodily discomfort.

Dejun piped up next. “He’s new, Yangyang, give him a break.”

Taeyong wanted to respond, but he was too busy trying to defend himself physically to do it verbally. Sicheng brought his knee up into Taeyong’s stomach, just hard enough to startle him without hurting him too badly. He used Taeyong’s disorientation to trip him, and next thing he knew, Taeyong was sore and heaving with his ass on the padded floor.

“Or don’t go easy on him,” Kunhang remarked. “Either way.”

Taeyong looked to his audience. Dejun, Kunhang, and Yangyang were all sitting around the table in the corner, a neglected game of poker which had started as a way of blowing off some competitive steam after “training” laid out between them. Ten stood a bit off to the side, arms crossed and gaze sharp with scrutiny. He took a couple of strides towards Taeyong and Sicheng, a smirk overtaking his mouth as he looked down at Taeyong like he was prey. Taeyong had met plenty of scary people in his life, and the frequency of such encounters had only increased since he started hanging around the yakuza, but Ten, with his wicked expressiveness and black leather suit in this moment gave Taeyong a chill of pure terror.

He noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to see it was Sicheng reaching his hand out to help Taeyong up. He smiled, face inviting and a welcome contrast to Ten’s entire aura. Taeyong took his hand and let Sicheng pull him to his feet.

“I thought you were supposed to be Yuta’s bodyguard,” Ten said plainly.

“Well, not exactly,” Taeyong tried to explain. “I just follow him around and keep a lookout for trouble; anything suspicious.”

Ten narrowed his eyes in a way Taeyong felt had to be partly for show. “That’s all, huh? Doesn’t sound like much.” Ten looked Taeyong head to toe and hummed thoughtfully. “Could there be another reason Yuta keeps you around?”

Jesus Christ, did everyone know? The room felt suddenly cold as Taeyong’s body came down from his previous exertion. He tried to suppress a shiver as his brain rushed to come up with a response. Thankfully, Sicheng stepped in.

“He knows how to fight, Ten, he’s just used to fighting brainless brutes.”

Taeyong nodded, hurrying to redeem himself. “Sicheng’s right,” he confirmed. “M’sorry.”

Ten let out a laugh through his nose. “No need to grovel,” he said, smile growing slightly less intimidating. He pushed a finger playfully into Taeyong’s shoulder, sending Taeyong’s mind reeling. “Anyway, I heard you saved Yuta from an assassin, so I’m in your corner. I’m just taking it upon myself to help you improve and make yourself even more useful.”

Taeyong laughed in confusion, spitting out a sarcastic, “gee, thanks.”

Dejun expelled a sound of wounded disappointment from behind Ten, certainly brought about by the poker game. Kunhang and Yangyang snickered. Ten ignored them all, keeping his attention trained on Taeyong. He raised an eyebrow and smiled, catlike.

“Wanna see something cool?”

“Sure?” Taeyong ventured, not sure if this was another way of saying “let’s have some fun and get to know each other.” He steadied his core in case Ten decided to tackle him or something.

Instead, Ten opened his leather jacket, giving his torso the effect of having bat wings. Taeyong was surprised, but not as surprised as he would have been a month ago, to see the glint of what had to be at least two dozen small metal weapons emanating from the lining.

“Shit…”

“Nice, huh?” Ten prompted, and Taeyong felt compelled to nod in agreement. Ten used his head to indicate the right side of his jacket, where he had stored a slew of small knives, brass knuckles, and throwing stars, among other things Taeyong didn’t recognize.

“This side is for hand to hand combat,” he explained, smiling like a snake about to bite. He indicated to his left next, where he had some longer and thicker knives, plyers, metal clamps, and a bouquet of slim needles, each about nine inches in length. “And this side is for extracting information.” Ten seemed to register Taeyong’s cautious surprise. “I only show you this so you know what you’re up against,” he cooed.

“Al-alright,” Taeyong almost swallowed his words. “I appreciate it.”

Before Ten could terrorize him any further, the door swung open and everyone was looking to see who had arrived. It was Yukhei, trailed by Yuta.

“Yup, they’re in here,” Yukhei was saying, holding the door open for Yuta to enter.

Yuta stalked towards Taeyong, Ten, and Sicheng and the boys at the corner table all stood in greeting.

“Ten,” Yuta said in mock disapproval, “are you traumatizing my poor partner?”

“I’d call it ‘educating,’” Ten responded. “If he gets traumatized that’s simply a byproduct of necessary learning.”

“Okay, Ten, just don’t scare him off,” Yuta replied.

“It’s not like I could leave if I wanted to,” Taeyong grumbled, and Yuta shot him a cutting look, but it softened quickly into an expression of vague sadness.

“Taeyong, you’re wanted in room 2A.”

Taeyong schooled his face. “Right away, Shategashira .”

Yuta turned on his heel and exited the room. Yukhei stayed by the door, Taeyong figured, because Ten needed him. Taeyong followed hesitantly after, but Yukhei stopped him on the way out, looming over him but smiling so genuinely that Taeyong felt more comforted than scared.

“If it’s any consolation,” Yukhei began, a thick accent coating his deep voice, “Sicheng kicks my ass all the time too.”

Taeyong had a hard time believing that considering Yukhei, though he was roughly the same height as Sicheng, was noticeably larger in every other way. He was probably either too nice or too reliant on blunt force. Taeyong let out a breathy laugh.

“Thanks. That does make me feel a bit better.”

“No problem.”

Taeyong left, hearing Ten’s call of “bye-bye, Taeyong! I’ll see you again soon!” echo down the hall after him. His stomach sank when he thought of the coldness he’d accidentally caused in Yuta, but the other man was nowhere to be found so he figured he’d just report where he was needed and find Yuta later.

Room 2A was one floor down. Taeyong tried to open it himself but it was locked, so he opted to bang on the metal to announce his presence. It opened, a grinning pair of faces belonging to Johnny and Mina greeting him on the other side.

“Yonggie!” Mina exclaimed, moving herself away from the entrance so Taeyong could pass her, which he did. “Welcome!”

The room was little more than a cinder block box with a metal chair in the center. If Taeyong didn’t trust Mina and Johnny at this point, he would be expecting something horrible to occur in such a room.

“What’s going on, you guys?” Taeyong asked.

Johnny closed the door and came to lean on the wall across from Taeyong.

“Why don’t you take a seat,” he suggested, and Taeyong did. “We’re here to impart on you some very valuable lessons.”

Taeyong grimaced. He was exhausted from what Sicheng had put him through and just wanted to find Yuta. He’d had enough “education” and “lessons” for one day. Nevertheless, he figured he had no choice but to indulge his captors.

“What lessons are those?” Taeyong asked, rocking himself slightly against his chair. Mina joined Johnny on the wall.

She answered, “Tactics for resisting interrogation.”

Taeyong started. “Whoa. Okay…”

“I know it sounds bad,” said Johnny, “but it’s really important for you to know. Yuta asked us to do this.”

Taeyong felt his skin prickling as he grew more nervous. Why didn’t Yuta just teach him himself, then? he wondered, posing the question out loud.

Johnny smirked. “Because, he has important shit to get done. He can’t tend to his Yonggie constantly. He has to delegate some of that.”

Taeyong gritted his teeth. “Alright, alright. But why do I need to know this? I’m practically useless so why would anyone bother kidnapping me?”

Johnny slid down the wall until he was crouching against it, his face softening in mild concern.

“First of all,” he said, “you should know you’re not useless, Taeyong.”

“Yeah!” Mina added. “He might give you a hard time, but Johnny keeps telling me how much he likes having you around.” Johnny smiled at this.

“You hang around with a Lieutenant all day!” he said, and Mina finished his sentiment with, “you are TOTALLY kidnappable, Taeyong!”

Taeyong laughed at the preposterousness of this compliment. “Thanks, guys. I’m sorry, I’m just in a bit of a mood today,” he explained. “And I guess you’re right.”

“Of course we are,” Johnny said, pushing back off the wall to standing. “Anyway, now that we’re all on the same page, this is where things might get a bit unpleasant again. We give this training to every member of the syndicate and all of our serious romantic partners, so contrary to your instincts, you are doubly in need of this.”

Taeyong squirmed, uncomfortable in a bad way over the fact that he wasn’t technically a syndicate member yet and uncomfortable in a good way at the knowledge that Yuta considered him serious .

Mina smiled. “Don’t worry, this has come in handy for me, for sure.”

“That just makes me worry more, you realize?” Taeyong replied with a grimace.

“Okay, fair enough. Sorry. But it’s better you know than end up dead or betraying your friends and boyfriend!”

“Taeyong,” Johnny began. “Let’s start with what you know. When you picture a yakuza kidnapping, what’s happening?”

Taeyong’s mind flew to the image of Ten’s sparkling and deadly bat wings. “I try not to picture that, but I saw what Ten carries around with him, so I think I have an idea.”

Johnny laughed hollowly as Mina watched him. “Yeah, Ten’s a special guy. I think he’s the only person I’ve met who genuinely enjoys that part of the job. Anyway, so you know it could get bad.”

Johnny lifted his shirt to reveal his lower abdomen. There was a long, thin scar across his obliques, slicing an inked koi fish in half.

“Knives are common,” he explained vaguely. “I got this one from a Sumiyoshi thug nicknamed ‘The Butcher.’ But we’ll get to that later.”

Taeyong swallowed thickly as he tried to steady his buzzing eyes. Johnny continued.

“Obviously, you know that we expect you not to divulge any sensitive information. There are three things you are allowed to confirm for your captors though, just to get them thinking you won’t be a complete pain in their asses. Those three things are name, rank, and clan. Got it?”

Taeyong remembered how Yuta had lost patience quickly with the Yamaguchi assassin who refused to give any personal details. He didn’t want to end up like that guy. He nodded.

“Lee Taeyong, Kumi-in, Inagawa-kai,” he recited, as if anyone in the room didn’t already know.

“But no more than that,” Johnny confirmed.

“Another important thing to keep in mind,” Mina continued, “is that there are ways to avoid the worst tactics. If they’ve gone to the trouble of capturing you, that’s because they think you have crucial information that they need. It’s in their interest to keep you alive.”

Taeyong nodded along, determined to be a good student as he realized more and more clearly the very real possibility he might need to use some of what he was learning.

“Although it can be tempting to act defiant as if you’re not bothered by the pain, and many experienced gangsters will do this to avoid hurting their fragile little egos,” Mina looked pointedly at Johnny, who just shrugged, guilty, “it can do you some good to play to the opposite. You should exaggerate your injuries and pain. Even if they try to use that against you and humiliate you, ultimately if they think you’re closer to death than you are they’ll let up much faster. Make sense?”

Taeyong nodded quickly. Exaggerated pain, he could do that. “Makes sense,” he confirmed.

“Okay,” Johnny went on, “another thing. Obviously if you ever did get kidnapped, we’d send some people out to find you, and hopefully they’d be successful.”

Taeyong shifted in his seat, watching Johnny start to pace. Hopefully .

“When you do get rescued, for that to end well you need to stay calm and not try to join in the fight. If they see you moving around a lot or if you look like you’re about to break out of whatever restraints they have you in and fight back, then they’re way more likely to treat you like an enemy combatant and not like a prisoner. You could get killed. It’s kind of counterintuitive, but it’s important.”

Taeyong rolled his ankles, gaining some comfort out of the way the stretch and crack of the movement soothed his muscles. He took a deep breath.

“Hey guys, why are we doing this right now? Am I in danger?”

Mina and Johnny exchanged a glance, sending Taeyong’s heart racing even faster than it already was as he tried to decipher their silent communication. Mina spoke first.

“Not necessarily,” she said.

“We just want to prepare you,” Johnny added. “Well, Yuta wanted us to prepare you because he’s been really worried since that assassin came after you two. We can’t be sure that anything too serious will go down but if, say, a gang war does start over this Mitsubishi thing, we want you to be prepared. Got it?”

“Oh…yeah, got it.” Taeyong sighed. “I supposed it’s too late to just…let me go, huh?”

Johnny’s face screwed up and Mina’s twitched. Taeyong thought of their conversation at Johnny’s pachinko bar, assuming she too was pouring over the memory of her own warnings.

“I – look,” Johnny began, and Taeyong already knew the answer he was about to receive. “It’s been discussed, and the higher ups are adamant; you’ll be given the choice as soon as the Mitsubishi deal is secured, but no earlier. They felt they needed to bring you on in the beginning, and I’m in no position to question if that was overkill, but at this point you’re certainly stuck, considering all the information you have.” Taeyong nodded, eyes fluttering to the floor as Johnny leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms. He huffed a breath. “Do you – do you want to leave, Taeyong?”

Taeyong blinked. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what leaving would mean or where he could ever go. His new life was exciting in a way he’d always dreamed about and he liked the people around him more than he’d liked anyone in a long time; Johnny and Mina going out of their way to help him stay safe, the other Tora regiment members all welcoming him so easily, and Yuta…god, Yuta… At the same time though, Taeyong’s new life hadn’t managed to shake the feeling he so often had that he was floating through existence, incapable of being grounded even by the most intense experiences. He wasn’t used to things working out for him. Besides, the last time he made a major decision for himself, he’d been called xenophobic names and battered within an inch of his life.

“I…don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t think so, anyway, but I don’t want to be a liability.”

Johnny smiled slightly. “That’s not worth worrying about because you aren’t.”

Taeyong wasn’t convinced, but he nodded anyway. “Alright,” he said. “What else have you got to teach me?”

Johnny and Mina let him go after another half hour or so of discussion, teaching him how to school his demeanor to fit somewhere between deference and defiance, how to relax himself in a way that would prevent excessive bleeding and make blows easier to endure, and how to give answers that kept the line of questioning going but revealed nothing to the interrogators. By the time he left room 2A, Taeyong was wondering if he should feel empowered or petrified, his mind careening from one emotion to the other with every new thought. Once he was done processing, he decided to find Yuta.

He’d barely had the chance to talk to him all day and it was weird for him. The night before had been ridiculously intimate, Yuta fucking him so well, opening up to him about his past, and holding him as they fell asleep; so the weird shifts Taeyong had observed all day in Yuta between teasing and aloof were giving him whiplash since he couldn’t ask what was causing them. He hoped Yuta wasn’t busy.

“ Douzo .”

Taeyong’s heart sank when he opened Yuta’s office door and saw Kun there, though he tried not to show it.

“Taeyong, what is it?” Yuta asked, an air of impatience radiating from him and from Kun as he turned around to see who was there.

“ Shategashira ,” Taeyong saluted. He felt like it was his first day all over again. “Sorry to interrupt. I was just hoping to speak with you whenever you’re free.”

Yuta’s expression softened. “Of course. Why don’t you sit by the window while we finish up?”

“Thank you,” Taeyong said, bowing sheepishly and settling into one of the indicated chairs. “Excuse me.”

Kun looked sideways at Taeyong, silent.

“You can speak freely in front of him,” assured Yuta. Kun nodded and pulled his attention back to the matter at hand.

“I just don’t understand how they would have gotten ahold of that information. Could it have been through Donghyuck’s crew?” By “they” Taeyong assumed Kun meant the Yamaguchi-gumi.

Yuta shook his head, placing his fingers in a check mark shape at his chin. “I doubt it. Donghyuck is extremely careful.”

Kun was growing exasperated. Taeyong felt like maybe this was an interaction he shouldn’t be witnessing. He didn’t quite know why he felt that way, though.

“Well, Yuta, there has to be a weak link somewhere, and I trust that you’ll eliminate it. We’re already in a less stable position than I was expecting upon arrival.”

Yuta smiled accommodatingly. “Thank you for your confidence. The leak could have also come from a different regiment, but I’m doing all I can to weed out whoever is responsible.”

“Good,” said Kun. “Our success and our partnership could depend on this.”

“I understand.”

Right then, Chenle and Renjun showed up at the door, having finished a shopping trip down the street, to tell Kun that Ten was looking for him. Taeyong thought he saw Kun direct a sliver of a smile his way as he left.

Yuta sat up and joined Taeyong by the window in the chair to his left. He sat and sighed, a big, open smile overtaking his face. There was the whiplash again.

“Hi baby,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Did Johnny and Mina give you the talk?”

Taeyong snorted a laugh, looking at Yuta from under his fringy bangs. “Yeah, they did.”

“You okay?” Yuta asked. Taeyong shrugged.

“Could’ve been worse,” he guessed. “Good stuff to know.”

Yuta leaned in. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“I guess a little. But there was other stuff too.”

Taeyong looked around Yuta’s office. He’d been stuck almost all day in rooms with concrete walls and fluorescent lighting, and it was making him want to jump out of his skin. He told Yuta to wait a moment for him to get up and turn off the lights. On second thought, while he was up and about, he opened the window to flush the room of the stench of stale cigarette smoke. Yuta watched him with caution as he underwent his little chores. Taeyong turned from the window and made his way back to his chair, eyes finally able to relax in the dimness.

“Johnny and Mina said you’re worried I might be in danger.”

Yuta sighed again. “I don’t necessarily think you’re in imminent danger, but I want to be safe. It’s always a possibility. Sorry if I scared you.”

“Like I told you this morning,” Taeyong repeated. “You don’t scare me. I just want you to be up front with me.”

“Up front, huh?” Yuta paused, his eyes flitting over the floor in thought. “Truth is I’ve been worried about you since the Yamaguchi assassin. It’s always risky to take on a new recruit, or a lover for that matter,” Taeyong blushed at the word, “but up until that point I don’t think the danger felt as real. I would never forgive myself if I let something bad happen to you, Taeyong.”

One of the things Taeyong had been wondering about clicked into place for him. “Your dream last night…is that what – ”

“Yes. That’s part of why I was worried about frightening you. Thought I might have said something while unconscious about you, I don’t know, getting abducted or something.”

“You didn’t,” said Taeyong, breathing a laugh.

“Good.” Yuta smiled, gaze trained at the open window and fingers fiddling with the bottom of his blazer. Taeyong wondered if he was nervous to make eye contact. “And then later when you mentioned how you’re basically stuck with me, then I felt like shit all over again because it’s true: you’re essentially my hostage.” With that, Yuta finally looked Taeyong in the face. “I just don’t know what to do when you say things like that. I know this seems silly, I mean I’ve never shied away from doing arguably unethical things before, but I couldn’t help but ask myself if you even like me -- ”

The pressure that had been threatening to send Taeyong shooting out of his own body finally became too much, and in lieu of doing the impossible, he found himself damming up Yuta’s stream of consciousness with a kiss.

“There we go,” he teased, pulling away and reveling in the awestruck look on Yuta’s face. “I had to shut you up somehow.”

Yuta’s face hadn’t moved since the kiss ended and a smile was spreading over it like melting butter. “That’s no way to speak to your commander,” he teased back, sounding a little drunk on relief. Taeyong spoke.

“ Shategashira , I hope you can forgive me. But you are being ridiculous. I like you, okay? And it’s not because I’m scared or brainwashed. I like you because I like you . I like the way you make me feel. I’m sorry for making you think I wanted to leave.”

Yuta took Taeyong’s hand and kissed it. “ I’m sorry for being such a basket case. Aish, it’s embarrassing, huh?”

Taeyong snorted. “Oh please. If you weren’t insecure sometimes, I might actually be afraid of you.”

He smiled to himself, wondering for a moment if maybe he needed to stop thinking so much and just bask in the strange twist of fate that had brought him and Yuta together. They were still getting to know each other, but Taeyong had never been with someone so charismatic yet so open. If he was going to risk being kidnapped and tortured it might just end up being worth it. Taeyong allowed himself to be lost enough in thought that a few seconds felt like minutes and he barely heard it when the door flung open without warning. Yuta heard it though, wrenching his fingers from where they were laced between Taeyong’s.

“Yuta-san!” said Renjun as he entered the room trailed by Chenle. “What’s going on in here?”

Yuta glared. “Didn’t anyone teach you to knock? That’s very disrespectful.”

“Sorry, didn’t know you had anything to hide,” Chenle quipped. “Anyway, Kun is looking for you again.”

Yuta stood, reluctantly it seemed to Taeyong. “Why couldn’t he send someone else to fetch me?”

Chenle rolled his eyes as they left the room and on the way out Taeyong heard Renjun explain, “because, he told us if all we were gonna do was loiter he might as well put us to use.”

Taeyong giggled, catching himself when Yuta peered back through the door. “Hey, you can go home. Or stick around and make some friends, yeah?”

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed, and Yuta rapped his knuckles against the door with a grin before he was gone. Taeyong stood, determined to have some Triad friends by the end of the day.

#my fanfic #my work #nct #nct 127 #yuta #nct fanfic #nakamoto yuta #taeyong #yutae #nct dream #noir #1980s! au #neothestars #yakuza #gang!au #nct 2020 #nctnetwrite #nct lee taeyong #nct nakamoto yuta

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nothesc · 4 years

Text

Week 7 Part IV. A Damira fic.

Here’s the last part that takes place on Saturday.

Part I here Part II here Part III here

You can also read it on ao3

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SATURDAY 22:05

“Yes, I’m telling you, we were giving the gifts to the kids and one of them said ‘yeah the gifts are great but where’s the money?’” Amira tells Nora, Viri and Eva remembering what happened earlier today at the association.

“I mean, can we blame him? They’re not stupid” Eva says laughing

“They’re like little hurricanes but we love them” Dounia comments.

“I think it’s so cool what you guys do at the association” Viri says with admiration

Amira looks at Dounia, Elena and Noor and smiles, she’s very proud of the work they do at Labass.

“Amira” Nora says suddenly, pointing at something behind Amira.

She turns around and is shocked to see Kasim and Lucas entering the rooftop. Kasim never answered to her text and Amira was sure that they wouldn’t show up. She looks at Dounia to see if she knows something but she shakes her head and shrugs.

“Well, we’ll leave you alone” Nora says taking the rest of the girls with her and leaving Amira alone with Lucas and Kasim.

“Hi, I thought you wouldn’t come” Amira admits shyly

“So did I, not gonna lie” Lucas comments “But Kasim insisted and I couldn’t say no”

Amira nods and dares to look at Kasim. A wave of shame and guilt hits her.

“Kasim, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for real. I…don’t know what to say”

“Well, that’s what the text was for, right? To apologize and explain yourself. And Amira, I’m not going to lie to you, I hated you so much when I found out you were the one that sent Dounia home but…the truth is I was shitty to you. I shouldn’t have used you or lied, I screwed up your friendship with Dounia and you didn’t deserve that, I’m sorry.

Amira nods and smiles awkwardly, knowing that Kasim forgives her calms her down but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever be proud of what she did.

“Thank you for coming” Amira looks from Kasim to Lucas and adds “both of you”

Lucas smiles and nods. Things will take a while to go back to the way it was between them but it’s a start.

Cris is late, very late, but this time is not because she wasn’t ready on time. The truth is she’s been ready for half an hour now but Joana and her are still in her room waiting for something that doesn’t seem is going to happen. Cris sighs and stands up to go, she had hope that her brother would come to Amira’s too, but he’s still in the living room with his laptop and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change.

“Come on, let’s go, we’re late” she tells Joana

The girls leave Cris’ room and go to the front door walking by the living room. Cris decides to give it one last try and stops by the sofa where Dani is.

“Hey Dani, we’re leaving for Amira’s now”

“Okay.” Dani answers, not looking up from his laptop.

Cris doesn’t move, she stands there looking at her brother waiting for a reaction. Dani can feel Cris’ stare and sighing he looks up.

“What do you want?”

“You’re really not coming?”

“Amira doesn’t want me there”

“Has she told you that?” Cris asks being fully aware of the answer for that question.

“She didn’t have to” Dani says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Cris shakes her head and turns around to leave but, being Cris, she can’t hold back the words from spilling and turns back to her brother to tell him one last thing.

“What are you waiting for? I know you haven’t given up, Dani, I’ve seen the documents in your room” Cris sees how Dani opens his mouth to say something but quickly stops him “Don’t ever bother getting mad because I was in your room, that’s not the point. The point here is that I know you want to be with Amira, I know you haven’t given up yet and I don’t understand what’s stopping you from talking to her. Wake up Dani, before it’s too late”

Not waiting for an answer Cris, with Joana behind her, turns and leaves, this time without looking back.

“Oh my god Amira I’m going to come for dinner to your house every day. Seriously, can your parents adopt me or something?” Dilan says after trying every single dish Amira’s mom has cooked. Him, Hugo and Jorge have been eating nonstop since they arrived. Alejandro is a little bit more shy but that hasn’t stopped him either from trying almost everything.

“Hey, hey, hey, chill dude, if they adopt someone it’s going to be me, I got here first” Cris says approaching the group.

Amira turns around and sees Cris and Joana arriving together. They both greet the girls, the boys and the Labass. Finally they approach Amira. Joana and Amira greet with a fist bump like they always do. Cris on the other hand doesn’t waste a second before she jumps Amira to give her a hug.

“Giiiiiiiiirl, you’re so pretty, oh my god that gold scarf, you look like a goddess.” Cris says kissing Amira’s face everywhere.

Amira laughs and pushes her off herself gently.

“Yeah, yeah, but you’re late” Amira teases her, she’s used to Cris being late by now.

“I’m sorry, but it wasn’t my fault, we were ready but we were waiting for…” Cris stops trying to look for a good explanation that isn’t the truth. She looks at Joana for help.

“We were waiting for…” Joana tries with no success.

“Anyway, we were waiting, that’s it.”

“You have to try this, it’s amazing” Viri says approaching Joana, Cris and Amira and giving the first two girls a plate. Eva, Nora, Dounia, Elena and Noor come with her.

“Hmmm my goodness, this is incredible” Joana says after trying it.

“Amira’s mom is the best cook ever” Cris confirms. Suddenly she notices two people in the other side of the roof and frowns “Lucas and Kasim are here?”

“Yes, we talked and…well it looks like everything is good” Amira explains.

“Ahhh isn’t it nice? Celebrating Eid with all the people you love by your side?” Viri says with one of her brand smiles.

Amira looks around and smiles, it’s true that she feels lucky to see her friends and family together. But, she’d be lying if she said that her happiness is full.

“Well…all the people…not all the people are here, right?” Cris says, she doesn’t mean to put salt on the wound but she’s been quiet for the whole week and it’s about time she does something.

“Cris…” Nora warns her.

“I’m sorry Ami but…it hurts me seeing you both like this” Cris tells Amira whose smile has faded already.

“But Cris, you said it yourself, we were going to overwhelm each other, we were going to fuck up. Well, we did, you were right.” Amira doesn’t understand why Cris is talking about Dani right now, she’s already having a hard time with him not being here when she’s been telling him about Eid for weeks.

“But I wasn’t right, fuck it. I wasn’t right. I was…going through a hard time and I took it all out on you. I was afraid you would hurt each other because fuck, Ami, I love you both very much. I was trying to protect you so you wouldn’t suffer. But you’re still suffering anyway.” Cris makes a pause trying to put her thoughts in order “When you were together you were happy, my brother was always in a good mood, and it was because of you, Ami. And you were the same. And now? Now you’re both so sad all the time. Can you really tell me with full honesty that you’re better now than before?”

The rest of the girls stay quiet, waiting for Amria to say something.

“But it’s a very complicated relationship, Cris”

“Of course it’s fucking complicated, all relationships are. If I had run away at the sight of the first problem with Joana we wouldn’t be together now, and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.” Cris looks at her girlfriend and takes her hand smiling, then she looks again at Amira “and we will have more problems, because life is a bitch, but we will face it together, because that’s what you do when you love someone”

Amira doesn’t know what to say, a part of her wants to run to Dani and tell him she wants to be with him but the other part is afraid, afraid of suffering even more than now.

“Look, Amira, I don’t want to pressure you to do something you don’t want to but…I think you do want to be with my brother, and I know he wants to be with you. I don’t know…I think you should try to work on their issue together”

Amira looks at Cris, and Joana, and Nora, and Viri, and Eva, and Noor and Elena. All of them smile at her. Finally she looks at Dounia and, like the rest of the girls, she nods and smiles.

“I…I have to go” Amira says and without thinking about it twice she turns around and leaves.

When she passes by her mother she tries to stop her.

“Amira, where are you going?”

“To fight for what it’s worth it” Amira answers while she runs.

She can’t see it because she’s already left but her mother can’t erase the proud smile from her face.

Dani looks in the mirror one last time, he looks weird but it’s a good weird, he actually likes the way he looks in what he’s wearing. Not wanting to waste anymore time he takes the keys and goes to the door and opens it. He freezes when he sees Amira in the other side of the door, ready to knock on it. Dani can’t stop staring at her, he’s not sure if it’s because he’s surprised to see her after a week of because she looks gorgeous with her gold hijab. Dani sees how Amira looks him up and down smiling and biting her lip. Dani can feel himself blushing, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress up like this after all.

“What…what are you doing here?” Dani finally asks.

“Well…I came to invite you to my Eid celebration but…I see you’re already ready for it.” Amira says, referring to the black Panjabi that Dani is wearing. She notices some details on his chest and gently touches them with her fingers. Then she realizes what she’s doing and takes a step back “I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s just…it’s…golden”

“Yeah I…I bought a couple of weeks ago, when you told me you were wearing a gold hijab for Eid…I don’t know I thought I could surprise you wearing something that matches it. I know it’s silly but…”

“No” Amira interrupts him “It’s not silly. I love it and…you look great”

“And you look beautiful” Dani can’t help saying.

Now Amira is the one that can feel the heat on her cheeks and tries to avoid Dani’s eyes.

“Do you want to come in and…talk?” Dani asks hesitantly.

Amira nods and Dani takes a step to the side so she can enter and go to the living room. He follows her after closing the door.

“Ami I…” Dani starts saying but then he realizes he’s missing something. “Wait a minute”

Not waiting for an answer from Amira, Dani goes to his room and takes the documents he has on his desk. When he returns to the living room he gives them to Amira who takes them and looks at them confused.

“Articles about Islam, passages from the Quran…Dani what’s this?”

“I’ve done some research…to learn and understand everything better…to understand you better. It’s the first thing I should’ve done when we started dating, I’m sorry”

“I didn’t explain anything to you either” Amira admits.

“Teaching me is not your responsibility”

“But it would’ve been easier for you”

“Ami I…” Dani tries to find the right words to express what he’s feeling. “I want to be with you, with everything that comes with it. I know is hard and I know that I have a lot to learn but, I want to try, for real. I know that you think I’m missing out on this to be with you, or that you’re going to overwhelm me or I don’t know, but that’s not true Ami, it really isn’t. I don’t want to be with any other girl, I want to be with you because no one can give me what you give me. And I don’t care if I can’t kiss you because everything else is worth it. Being with you is not an effort, it’s a gift. And I don’t know Ami, I love you” Amira widens her eyes at Dani’s last two words, it’s the first time he’s said it. Dani notices Amira’s reaction but he doesn’t take it back, he decides to say it again “I love you, Ami”

“But, do you know what you’re getting yourself into?”

“Yes, I do now” Dani says pointing at the documents Amira still has in her hands “and I will continue learning. But I need you to trust me, stop thinking that I’ll get bored and leave. I still have a lot to learn and understand but I promise I will. I need you to trust me”

Amira doesn’t say anything at first, she’s trying to process everything. She’s still afraid, that’s for sure, but the part of her that wants to take a leap of faith and be with him is bigger than fear. She’s tired of denying herself happiness to stay in a safer place. She knows it’s going to be hard and that they’ll have to face a lot of things but, like Cris said, together it’ll be easier.

“I trust you” Amira says honestly. Then, even though her legs are shaking not only by admitting it to Dani but also to herself, she adds “And I love you too”

Cris sees them coming and leaves the conversation she was having with Hugo to approach Amira and Dani.

“So?” She asks them once she’s standing in front of them.

Dani and Amira look at each other and smile, then they look at Cris.

“Cris, I’m dating your brother” Amira says

“And I’m dating your best friend” Dani says.

Cris looks at them for a moment and her lips slowly curve up into a smile that gets bigger and bigger.

“Yasssssss!” Cris almost yells, jumping up and down and hugging them both. Once she lets them go she looks at Amira “We’re sisters in law girl, can you believe it?” not giving her time to answer she looks at her brother “And you, don’t you even think she’s going to love you more than she loves me because Amiris is the realest thing ever”

Dani and Amira laugh and shake their heads. They really like Cris’ reaction better this time.

“Anyway, I’m going to look for something to drink, do you guys want anything?” Dani says still laughing

“Yes, I’ll go with you” Amira replies.

After pouring themselves some juice Dani and Amira stand by the table talking, though they’re soon joined by Amira’s parents.

“Dani, how are you? You haven’t been to the house in a while, we haven’t seen you since you declared your love for Amira last time you were home”

Dani, who was taking a sip from his drink, almost chokes at the words.

“Baba!” Amira yells in shock, looking from her dad to her mom who can only smile.

“What? Was it a secret?” Amira’s dad asks confused.

Amira and Dani look at each other and they burst out laughing. Soon they’re joined by Amira’s mother while her father looks at them confused.

Later, Amira takes a walk around the rooftop and looks at the people there. ‘Now’ she thinks ‘all the people that I love are here now’. And she feels like the luckiest girl in the world.

#skam españa #damira #damira week 7 fic

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ohimtherebabey · 4 years

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! all of the numbers of questions

first of all, i respect you so much. thank you. second of all, i have already answered 1, 5, 7, 11, 13, and 27 so i’m going to skip those here.

2. Favourite band? my chemical fucking romance!!!!

3. Any New Year's resolutions? ive been really trying to be like. outwardly emo and not be embarrassed by it. also, to go to more shows! which ive already achieved and its only march!

4. Favourite music video? helena or desolation row. king for a day is a contender.

6. Panic! At The Disco or Fall Out Boy? thats difficult. i would say fall out boy but they’re really close

8. Do you own a pair of fingerless gloves or skeleton gloves (or the combination)? no :(((( but i want some

9. Do you own any band merch? If so, from what bands? oh yea. ive got a metric fuckton of mcr merch. also concert shirts from panic! at the disco, bastille, the killers, and poppy

10. Got a jacket with pins? yes!!!

12. Any hair dying or haircut plans for 2020? i’m shaving my head tomorrow!!!

14. Killjoy name? i dont have one. i don’t really like danger days and the whole universe kind of intimidates me

15. Are you into The Used? yes!!! bert mccracken has done more for me than the armed forces

16. Do you want any tattoos? Of what? YES!!!!! i have a lot of mcr designs (as of right now, i’ve got designs for our lady of sorrows, vampires will never hurt you, bullets in general, helena, mama, early sunsets, and welcome to the black parade). also i want a haunted house and some bats and a really stupid t-bone steak that says “tell your boyfriend” to commemorate DONTTRUSTME by 3OH!3

17. Can you play any instruments? Which? yes! but none of them are instruments that i want to play. i have 15 years of classical piano training and 6 years of saxophone from high school band/marching band

18. Favourite My Chemical Romance song? demolition lovers

19. Do you think Twenty One Pilots are emo? i dont think im educated enough to pass judgement. i dont listen to twenty one pilots and i havent heard a song of theirs in honestly 5 years. just from first impression, i would say theyre more generic alternative than specifically emo.

20. Are you into Taking Back Sunday? not really. i’ll listen if its on, but i won’t seek them out

21. Do you wear any make up? only the shittiest smudged eyeliner in the world

22. Do you have black painted nails? yes! i just painted them 2 hours ago (im not allowed to have painted nails at work but im on spring break this week so theres no work)

23. Have you got any band posters? Of what bands? i have a few mcr posters, a panic! at the disco poster, a fall out boy poster, and a pierce the veil poster

24. Do you want any piercings? yes!!!!!! i already have my septum and several ear piercings, but i want at least one lip piercing, a nostril piercing, more ear piercings, maybe an eyebrow, my nipples. i want to stretch my lobes, too.

25. What's your opinion on All Time Low? Sleeping With Sirens? Pierce The Veil? i FUCK with pierce the veil. my second favorite band of all time (im listening to a flair for the dramatic as i answer these questions). i dont like sleeping with sirens but i thank kellen quinn for his services on king for a day. i fuck with all time low (predictably my favorite atl song is a love like war because vic features)

26. Do you think it's just a phase or that you'll be emo/punk\scene forever? i take being emo too seriously for it not to be permanent.

28. Are you into Black Veil Brides? not really, but i respect the fuck out of knives and pens

29. Do you like any newer emo/scene/punk bands? Which? i love love love destroy boys. also: currents.

30. What's your favourite music genre besides emo/punk\scene? either like. folksy alternative (hozier, florence + the machine) or old school country (johnny cash, dolly parton, marty robbins)

31. Are you into Mindless Self Indulgence? not really

32. Favourite Fall Out Boy song? golden

33. Are you mostly into the so-called "emo trinity" or "emo quartet" or do you listen to a lot of other bands too? most of my listening history is my chem + bands outside of the emo trinity/quartet. i dont really make a habit of listening to panic or fob, and never twenty one pilots. mostly its pierce the veil and bring me the horizon. a lot of evanescence, too.

34. What's your opinion on Waterparks? Palaye Royale? I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME? i only know one song by waterparks, so i dont really have an opinion on their music, but awsten annoys me so much. ive dont know anything by palaye royale, so i cant pass judgement. idkhow is pretty good. i dont know too much by them but i liked what i did know. i think dallon did a great job at bringing back the weird stuff that made panic! so good

35. Are you into Bring Me The Horizon? YES. ive been nonstop listening to count your blessings for two weeks now.

36. Favourite solo project by a emo/scene\punk band member? i love all of frank’s solo projects (i go apeshit for leathermouth and death spells in particular). i love hesitant alien. also i’m really digging hayley william’s solo stuff so far

37. Are any of your friends IRL emo/scene\punk? no. and it makes me sad.

38. Are you into drawing? If so, show some of your art! only kind of and none of it is good. this is something i did based on a fragment of sappho last summer.

and here’s a quick thing i did for its not a fashion statement, it’s a deathwish

39. Favourite colours and colour schemes? im too much of a revenge fucker to not say black/gray/dark red

40. What are some of your favourite lyrics? a LOT of them are from selfish machines, just a warning. “i’m wanna hold your hand so tight, im gonna break my wrist” “i’d steal you flowers from the cemetery” “there’s no room in this hell, there’s no room in the next” “another knife in my hands, another stain that wont come off the sheets, clean me off, im so dirty babe” “decapitate her and bring her head to athena, unlike her sisters she aint no deathless God” “holding on to cold hands and sunken eyes hasnt held the same charm as it once did”

41. The Black Parade or Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge? this is such a difficult question for me. the demo lovers are everything to me, but, as i have said in the past: the black parade is the best album ever written. that doesnt mean its my chemical romance’s best album though. i’m going to say three cheers (that answer will change a thousand times).

42. What's your opinion on Paramore? Green Day? Blink-182? LOVE paramore. the riot! cd is a permanent fixture in my car. i fuck with older green day. like american idiot and dookie green day. i dont really care for blink-182

thank you again for the questions

#answered #sav speaks #my art #long post

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laromurl · 5 years

Text

One Piece Fanfiction

Zoro Roronoa x Nila Faurgard (OC)

A/N: this is just part one of I don't know how many.

Nila heaved in and out trying to control her rushing heart but the pain of her missing arm was too much. Her head was buzzing. Blood and dirt blurred her vision. She stumbled from tree to tree trying to get away from that maniac but all she could muster was keeling over on her knees, begging for her father to return. How could he leave her? How could he look her in the eye and order Fro to keep going? Her own father threw her to the sharks.

She didn't know what island she was on and the sea prism cuffs were cutting off her fruit powers. She had no way to defend herself. She let herself become too confident against a warlord but this time Ace nor her father were here to save her. He was right. She was too weak. Too stupid and arogant. And now she was going to die.

Nila made it towards edge of the forest. Her head was burning hot and she was caughing out blood, she was weaving in and out of consciousness. She suspected she had a few broken ribs.

She stumbled closer to the clearing of the shore and toppled over when her legs couldn't hold her up. The ghost of her right arm was in defeaning pain and she was slipping more and more in to unconsciousness. She was closer to giving up than ever before.

Fuck you father. I'll kill you. Her eyes rolled back and she fell on her face.

"Oi, Sanji. Is that a girl crawling towards us?"

Nila heard the voice and looked up to find a couple of figures running towards her bombarding her with questions. Her vision was too blurry to tell how many or who it was. But she didn't care. Worst case scenerio they would finish off what Doflamingo started.

"H-Help m-me." She managed to whisper and passed out.

Her saviors were Sanji, Nami, Franky, and Usopp from the Strawhat Pirates. They had just landed on that island expecting to find some resources.

They approached her carefully, Nami calling for the girl to be okay. She didn't know what to do but she knew they couldn't just leave this half dead girl in an island that had just been invaded by Navy. She probably was their victim. She turned to the boys. "Let's take her to Sunny." She turned to Franky to ask him to pick her up but he was already kneeling. "Do you think she was the one the Navy was here for?" He asked.

"I don't know. But..."

"She is dieing. The Navy just left." Sanji finished.

Usopp protested, jumping back from Franky and the girl. "Eh. Wait wait, what if she's one of those navy soldiers? This could be a trap!"

Sanji brushed Nila's blood plastered hair to the side and thought for a second. He noticed she was a beautiful girl so his concern for her multiplied incredibly. "She's harmless." He cooed making the others roll their eyes.

Franky picked her up carefully and ran with her to Sunny. She was losing so much blood. Her hand dropped from Franky's arm and Nami saw the sea prism cuff. "I don't think she is with the Navy." She said pointing out her wrist.

Noone said anything until they got back on the ship and presented her to Chopper. "Ehhh!!! Who is she?" He asked. He hurried to get the room ready for her. Her breathing was already getting low.

"We found her in the forest by the abandoned city. Can you save her?" Nami was concerned.

Luffy and the others were already running back to the ship as soon as Nami called Zoro and Robin.

Of course, Luffy asked about the mysterious girl as he was trying to butt into the room but Chopper held a strict no coming in policy while he worked on her.

While they waited for a few hours outside the room, Chopper worked on Nila nonstop. He didn't have an arm to reattach so he cleaned her wound and sewed it. She had lost an incredible amount of blood it was surprising that she was still alive but it was a good thing, there was someone else from the crew with the same blood type.

Chopper used his transponder to call for Zoro. He was relunctant but he complied when Nami persuaded him with a few head slaps. He didn't know this woman so he grumbled all the way into the room.

"Thank you." Chopper smiled. "She will thank you I'm sure." He pointed at the girl in the bed and Zoro's face went pale.

He knew this girl. She's alive! Just barely but with his help she would be okay.

Zoro grimaced and held his arm out for chopper. "Can she be saved?" The worry in his tone was subtle but Chopper caught onto it.

Chopper prepped Zoro's arm and nodded. "Zoro, you know her?"

Zoro watched her carefully. Her face was scrunched in pain and the blood was still over her eyes but he nodded. "Her name is Nila Faurgard. She's a pirate. I thought she was dead."

Chopper attached him to the IV and made sure he was okay before going out an conveying this news to the rest of the crew.

The last name Faurgard rang a few bells among a couple of the older members. "Faurgard used to be the name of the warlord from twenty years ago." Robin pointed out.

"Yes I remember." Brook laughed not out of hilarity. "He was a cruel warlord. He killed a bunch of Navy men because the Navy didn't let him kill some civilians that went against his order. He's a terrible man." He added shaking his head.

"And the girl in there is his daughter?" Nami asked. Her concern wasn't for their safety but for Nila's.

"I told you she could be dangerous!" Usopp didn't waste a second to freak out about her.

"She's not dangerous." Franky butted in. He had his eyes closed and was shaking his head. "She is always running away from her father. She used to come to water 7 and ask for help but noone wanted to fight Nero. After a while she never returned. We assumed the poor child was dead. There was a rumor that her father turned her brother in to the Navy to prove a point to her."

"Not even the Navy want to touch her." Brook added. "Nero Faurgard has become a nuisance more than a threat."

"Zoro seems to care." Chopper pointed out. "He seemed 'worked up' when he saw her."

The others said nothing. It wasn't odd to see Zoro worried about someone, specially his friends, but it was always intimidating. He almost always was going to fight someone but Nila had run the Navy off this island.

After a few hours the crew dispersed and went back to sea. No further words had been exchanged about Nila but she was on everyone's mind. Just how powerful is she? Would her father attack them to get her back? Does she really not have an arm?

Nila was still unconcious three days later. Chopper, under Zoro's watch, kept an eye on her arm for infections. Zoro didn't want to be there when she woke up and so spent most of his day guarding her room from the outside. He wanted to make sure that she wouldn't attack them. The only people who were allowed go in the room would be Chopper, Sanji, and Nami.

Three more days passed and she was no longer in peril but she had a high fever and had yet to wake up. In the middle of the night, she began to shake and talk loudly in her sleep that it woke up Zoro from his nap. He went in, not wanting to wake an exhausted Chopper, and changed her bandages. That calmed her down a bit.

He replaced the towel on her forehead and dried her face off from the sweat. Zoro looked at her face a little longer than usual. He had never done this but if he had just taken the time to really pay attention he would have seen this woman. The one who wanted to get away from her life. He could have seen the strength in her heart.

He noticed all the scars he had left her throughout their many encounters. The scar on her left cheek was barely visible now and the one above her left eye was really light. He remembers the fights where he gave those to her.

Now that she was with them, she felt responsible for her. She had asked him to save her multiple times and all he did was try to turn her away. He clenched his teeth becoming frustrated with himself. He shouldn't be feeling so guilty.

He didn't understnad why it was affecting him so much but she was alive. He should have believed Nila all those years ago.

Nila grumbled in her sleep before her eyes fluttered slowly. She opened them. She was in the dark, confused and dazed. A dim candle stood on the stand beside her, poorly lighting the man that sat there. She stood up too quickly once she realized who it was and fell over the bed in trying to use her non exitant arm.

"Faurgard! Don't move." Zoro scorned. He picked her up, holding her carefully even though he was irriated with her and the feelings she provoked in him.

"Let go of me...Roronoa." She managed to say between heaves of breath. She still wasn't good. Her head was killing her and her arm opened again sending a throbbing pulse through her shoulder. She bit her tongue to stop her whimpers. Zoro was a pirate hunter as far as she knew, even if he hadn't caught her before, he didn't help.

"Let me..."

"Oi, Zoro what are you doing to my patient!?" Chopper bellowed. He had heard the commotion and immediately ran down to look. He wasn't pleased finding Nila in his arms, half dazed with blood soaking through the bandaids.

"She fell." He threw her on the bed. This time not careful. "Take care of her." He humphed on his way out. He took his seat guarding the door again.

#anime #anime fanfiction #one piece #roronoa zoro #zoro #pirate hunter zoro #straw hat pirates #straw hat luffy

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lovedeluxe92 · 5 years

Text

okay so i started working at jimmy johns in early febuary of this year. i needed a job rlly bad and money desperately, just something to keep me afloat and to afford food. what i experienced...i was not at all prepared for lmao. i was sexually harassed, verbally harassed, had my hours fucked with, had management and even the owners of the company who could give a fuck less about their employees, had to deal with my fellow coworkers AND managers being on k2 and other drugs, and the final fucking straw which was getting my tip money stolen from me OUT OF THE SAFE BY A MANAGER. i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with

i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with

traffic, pedestrians NOT LOOKING WHERE THE FUCK THEY WERE GOING DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PPL I ALMOST KILLED CAUSE /THEY/ DID NOT LOOK, we have ‘parking police’ and i legit got about 15-20 tickets during my time there bc that asshole was out for blood and anytime he saw my car, even if i wasnt parked illegally (oh did i mention we had like 3 parking spots all on the street and all with a 2 hour limit (: ) or hadnt been parked in a spot for the full 2 hours. so there was that.

see when i first started everything was fine. we had good employees who worked hard and did what they had to do. they were all stoners, but whatever i could care less about that. SO. our assistant manager, he was a mess. racist, homophobic, rude, loud. the worst. we would do dabs out in his car (yeah i know but i worked at a fucking jimmy johns) and he would just say the most questionable shit. i remember this one time he saw my phone background was a pic of me and my bf and was like ‘oh you like black guys? what’s your sex like? i bet it’s really good’ and im not gonna go into too much detail here, bc it upset me and its racist, but he kept going and said some REALLY creepy shit i was like wtf and told him to never speak to me like that again or i would report him for sexual harassment (side note: one time he thought i did report him for sexual harassment and was like “who are you gonna buy weed from now?” LITERALLY ANYONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.) he would always be like “DAMN THICK’ whenever i would bend over and do everything. I TOLD MY MANAGER AT THE TIME. she didn’t do anything. AND the owners of the franchise definitely knew bc like...there’s cameras and they can hear everything we say? but no one did fucking anything. and i needed the money bad so i had to stay. of course i told him off constantly. he was white and always saying the n word. just a piece of fucking shit.

i think the happiest day of my life was when he FINALLY got fired. my manager had to go to another city for a week and help out that jimmy johns bc i guess ALL the employees and managers did a walk out (yeah this happens at all the jimmy johns owned locally in my area i wish i was kidding) and left his inept ass in charge. it took him 5 mins to make sandwiches (FREAKY FAST hello????) he was just a poor manager. but THEN he started using k2 again. and he was a zombie. there was no point of him even being there bc like he would just go to the back of the store and just stand in front of the freezer door staring for like 10-15 mins at a time.i was a driver and didnt know how to make sandwiches yet and this bitch seriously was just standing there cracked out of his mind on k2 in FRONT of customers (and i will say our customers were SO nice at least) takking phone calls slurring his words. it was embarrassing. i rememeber i had 2 customers who had waited almost a HALF HOUR for ONE sandwich bc i was having a panic attack and losing my fucking mind trying to make their sandwiches while he was in his truck getting high and refusing to come in. one of the customers actually gave me a tip and told me i was doing great and the other one was like ‘im so sorry this is happening to you, that guy is fucked up’. anyway, he passed out on k2 in his truck one night and got the cops called on him and got banned from the property :) i still saw him from time to time and he looked disgusting & miserable and it made me so happy.

mostly we just had grown ass employees, fucking 30 year olds, just acting like children. always on drugs. i had one coworker pretend to slap my ass and i called him out and he was like ‘it’s a joke im not apologizing’. people would try to take deliveries from me. AND LET ME JUST SAY, not even to fucking brag even slighly but i was the best worker there my entire time there bc regardless of where im working i am giving my 100% every day and no one else there would. but ppl always tried to step over me and did not respect me. we had one coworker who had 3 felonies and one day like 4-5 cops came to our store to tell us to call the cops the next time he showed up for work (surprise surprise he fled bc they took an hour to get to the store despite the fact we were literally like not even 4 blocks from the police station) and he was always high on k2. forever late. day after day no call no show. he had his friend get hired on who would go down to subway and talk shit about subway in his uniform??? lmao and subway called us one day and was like ‘can yall not?’ he also threatened to burn down the store and then my manager (who was always on a power trip if we’re being honest) purposefully withheld his paycheck to fuck with him, because he was fucking with her, so we dealt with him WAY longer than we should have?

then this one bitch that became manager, SOMEHOW, we were seriously always that desperate for staff and we hire anyone bc the managers are overworked af and just want to take the load off. anyway, SHE was always high on k2 as well. and she would always overshare rlly traumatic personal things from her life to me and all the customers and its like....girl we dont wanna hear that pls try and get some help. she was not currently being abused, i wanna specify. she was talking about things from her past. i sympathized with her but like im a victim of dv too lmao i dont wanna see your bruises without being asked first. and then i remember one day i left my money bag there (i kept my tips in it and had like $37 in there or something) and this bitch who was making MORE MONEY THAN ME seriously fucking went into the safe (we caught her on camera lmao) and stole that money out of my bag and left a few bills to make it seem less suspicious i guess??? lied about it to my face? then quit bc she ‘wasnt gonna sit there and be accused of something i didnt do’ like ok lmao

then to top it all off at one point my old manager just stopped giving a fuck and the store went to shit and we got complaint after complaint and she started being so rude to all of her staff, including myself (and we were like besties so i was devastated) and she cut my hours when she was submitting our work times for the checks because i would clock in early to help out....LIKE SHE ASKED? and it was just everything i said to her...her response was just the most rude and hateful voice and just....it was so rude. i cried every single day after work. she eventually got replaced and then quit

but then this new manager, whom i loved, was very depressed and just had a lot wrong with him mentally but he was still very....drama starting and attention seeking. he would talk about suicide nonstop 24/7 and not to be callous but it just made me so uncomfortable and triggered me so much? they did overwork him and i will attest and agree to that and he had a lot on his shoulders but he couldve gone to mcdonalds literally any day and gotten a job with better hours, better pay, and better benefits. i kept telling him over and over to leave bc he had so much managerial experience he couldve been hired anywhere! all resteraunts down here are perpetually hiring, especially for managers! i would know bc i was looking for another job lmao. but he’d text me every night saying things like ‘well lets hope i drink myself to death’ ‘suicide is painless’ etc. and it was just......VERY uncomfortable for me, as someone who has attempted suicide and still struggles with ideation from time to time lmao it was just the most triggering environment ever

like idk how i lasted that long but i worked my ass off, saved up my money, have a good paying job and im trying my best to forget this entire experience (honestly i did have some good times) but i really dont....think i can lmao

ON A POSTIVE NOTE: we had some of the kindest and most caring customers ive ever had in my life. i was shocked. but the amount of times i had a shitty customer in my entire time there i can count on one hand lmao like....even when they were shitty they were like ‘im sorry i know yall work hard and everything’ like i miss my customers SO MUCH because we actually had relationships with them and shit and ugh god. if the customers were shitty tho i would never have kept this job lmfao

i stayed at this job simply bc i made enough money for rent and my bills perfectly and it was one of the few jobs where i was paid an hourly wage + tips. and i wanted my next job to be a job in my field. that’s why i stuck around so long, it took some time to do that.

so yeah theres my mess i love anyone who read this and you can have my first born and be the beneficiary to my life insurance when i die

#tw: racism #tw: sexism #tw: suicide #tw: drugs #idk...what else to warn y'all about. just know this is a fucking #mess #i mean these arent horrific mentions of any of these things but i dont wanna trigger anyone unintentionally #better safe than sorry with tws

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forever-rogue · 6 years

Text

I See Right Through You - Part III

Summary: Y/N’s a DC upshot, who has a lot of opinions and isn’t afraid of speaking her mind. That’s exactly what got her in trouble in the first place. That’s exactly what led to Frank Castle entering her life as her bodyguard. It’s a love-hate thing...but it’s just business, right?

A/N: hey y’all! I hope you enjoy this part! I love writing Frank. We all know he’s secretly a soft flower. Taglists are open! xx

Word Count: 2.6k

Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader

Warning: language and violence

PART I | PART II | PART IV | PART V | PART VI

MASTERLIST

Y/N stifled a yawn as she tried to keep her eyes open, the speaker’s voice droning on and on. He had been talking for almost two hours nonstop on an issue which, quite frankly, was not that important. Census conducting techniques, while necessary, were not her area of expertise, nor was it a riveting topic.

She grabbed he cup of coffee sitting in front of her and sipped it gingerly; it had long gone cold and was never great to begin with, instant coffee just never is. She couldn’t wait to escape and get an actual meal and coffee. Y/N looked through the glass doors to the conference room and spied Frank sitting out in the lobby, reading a book. He had insisted, of course, on being there and waiting for her. She thought it was overkill, but he said it was part of the job. As if on cue, he looked up and caught her and made a face. She returned it, rolled her eyes, and pointed slyly at the speaker.

He gestured for her to come out and leave, but she hesitated. It wouldn’t be professional of her to just leave in the middle of a meeting, but on the other hand she was getting nothing out of it. She bit her lip, before deciding to just head out. She quickly grabbed her things, trying to be as discreet as possible, and slipped them into her bag and booked it out the door. No one even looked in her direction.

“You actually did it, I’m pleasantly surprised,” he smirked at her, as she caught up to him. They had spent the last several weeks together, getting to know each more and more everyday and getting on each other’s last nerves at times.

“I couldn’t stand it anymore. 2 hours on census techniques? I was ready to fall asleep,” she sighed and rolled her eyes.

“I know, I could see that. Plus, I was tired of waiting around for you,” he chuckled as they exited the building and finally walked into the fresh air.

“You don’t have to wait for me all the time, you know. I’m pretty sure that’s a safe and secure building.”

“Too many risks. People are always coming and going,” he shook his head and she sighed. She was still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he was around 24/7. Sometimes she just wanted to be alone, completely alone - not having him in the other room.

“Fineeee,” she hit his arm before quietly adding, “asshole.”

“You know I could get used to all those pet names, sweetheart,” he smirked at her, as he opened the passenger door to her car and she begrudgingly climbed in. She still wasn’t allowed to drive, something that peeved her off to no end.

“You just love getting under my skin, don’t ya, Frank?” she hissed at him as took started the car, “where are we even going?”

“What if I told you it was a surprise?”

“That sounds something a kidnapper would say. Are you turning the tables? Are you actually the person who threatened me? Has this been an elaborate plan all along?!”

“Very funny,” he gave her a dry laugh before slipping on his sunglasses, “I figured we could go to the coast, it’s a nice day. I grabbed your camera for you, in case you felt inspired.”

She paused for a moment; he had actually done something very kind and thoughtful. She had noticed that during the time they had spent together. He was a kind soul, hardened by what he had seen and been forced to do. But deep down, he still had a good heart.

“That’s...very kind of you, Frank. Thank you,” she reached into the backseat and pulled out her camera bag, making quick work of pulling out the camera and installing one of the lenses.

“You seem stressed lately, I figured you could use a break,” he shrugged his shoulders as if it was no big deal, but he was glad to see how much of a smile it put on her face, “are you hungry?”

“Starving,” she groaned and as if on cue, her stomach growled loudly, causing the two of them to laugh. She put the viewfinder up to her eyes and rolled down the window, taking some shots of the passing scenery.

He remained silent for a while, focusing on the road, while Y/N scrolled through her phone, occasionally taking a photo of anything interesting. She studied Frank for a moment, noting his unconventional handsomeness and an idea struck her. She picked up the camera and took a few photos of him.

“Really?” he sighed, but the ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“It’s for my collection,” she smiled at him, “besides, you have a great profile. Perhaps one of my greatest works.”

“Very funny,” he shook his head as he pulled into the driveway of the first restaurant they had seen in a while. When Y/N saw where they were, she eagerly hopped out of the car, and headed for the door, leaving Frank behind. He huffed and followed her, making sure not to lose sight of her.

Y/N thankfully, and eagerly shoveled pasta in her mouth; it was the first real meal she had eaten in the last few days. When she was busy with work and running around all day, she usually just snacked on whatever was easy to grab. She tried to control the light moans that were threatening to escape her mouth.

Frank watched her with an amused face as he took his time eating his one meal. At least she wasn’t shy about eating in front of other people like some other women.

“Slow down or I swear you’ll end up choking. And I’m under no obligation to keep you safe from yourself,” he gently reached over and lowered her arm so she couldn’t grab another bite before finishing what she was already chewing.

“My bad,” she said sheepishly as she swallowed the bite in her mouth, “I was really hungry.”

“I can tell,” he smirked at her before pausing for a moment, “can I ask you something?”

“You’ve spent almost the entire last month with me. I’m pretty sure you’ve probably seen me and heard me doing everything by now.”

“Heard?” he tried to keep a straight face as he realized what she had said.

“Oh my God, I should not have said that,” she realized her mistake as her cheeks turned bright crimson, “ignore that - you didn’t hear anything. What were you going to ask?”

“I’ve been thinking,” he said quietly as he took a bit of his own food, “you’ve got quite the background. How did you end up working in politics? I’m sure they’ve seen your history. How did they let that slide?”

Y/N froze for a second, her whole body tensing up. She hadn’t expected him to ask that question. But then again, he was extremely sharp and paid attention to every little detail.

“I guess I just got lucky,” she refused to make eye contact with him, focusing her attention on what was left on her plate. She could feel his intense stare on her.

“I know when you’re lying to me,” he nudged her shin lightly with his foot, “you’re terrible at it.”

“I am not,” she insisted quietly.

“You can tell me, you know,” his voice was low and quiet, trying to get her to come out of her shell. She could tell he was getting annoyed already.

“Look,” she sighed as she met his gaze when she realized he wasn’t going to give up, “in politics, everything comes with a price. If you want to stay in the game, you have to pay that price. The man that hired me made sure I knew that.”

“What was the price?” he asked, although he was slowly putting the pieces together. She refused to answer him, staring out the window they were sitting by, “Y/N. Tell me. What did they do to you?”

“Drop it.”

“Not until you say it. Out loud.”

“Frank-”

“Say it.”

“Fine, you really want to know?” she hissed at him, “he had his way with me, okay? He promised me a clean slate, if I gave him what he wanted. This was my only way in, I knew I had no other chances. I was young and I already had a record. I had no other choice. I needed to give myself the chance.”

“He forced you to do that? Said you had no other choice, huh?” Frank was angry, but he was trying to keep himself calm. This was exactly the type of scumbag he hated, the kind that took advantage of others for their own gain.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” she said quietly and finally met his gaze. He could see the pain etched onto her face, her eyes glossy with tears, “he said it was only way I could have a career, or else he’d make sure I never worked in politics.”

“Fucking piece of shit scumbag,” Frank slammed his fist on table, causing the silverware to clatter slightly.

“It was my choice too.”

“No, no it wasn’t,” he growled, anger obvious in his voice, “what’s his name? And don’t give me some crap answer, Y/N. Just fucking tell me.”

“Rupert Modeck,” she sighed as she wiped away the tears that had broken free and trickled down her cheeks. Frank watched for a moment before taking his large hand and putting it over hers, “let’s just go.”

“Are you sure, you’re finished?”

“I’m not hungry anymore, let’s just go home,” she insisted as she headed for the door, leaving him sitting there, unsure of how to respond. He groaned and took out his wallet and throw some money on the table before going after her.

“Y/N. Are you sure?” he asked as he got inside the car. She remained silent and stared straight ahead. He sighed and turned on the car, heading back to DC with only one thing on his mind.

Y/N sat up bolt right in her bed, alarmed by the sudden noise she heard. She hoped Frank had heard it too, and was taking care of it. Her heart rate increased as she swallowed the lump in her throat. He didn’t call out for her, but she heard more movement. She glanced over at her alarm clock, which showed that it was the wee hours of the morning.

Against her better judgment, she slipped out from underneath her covers and padded over to the door, trying to remain silent. She stuck her ear to the door, hearing some footsteps. She quickly grabbed the knife she kept tucked under her mattress before opening the door and heading out into the hallway. It was still dark, and made her way to the kitchen, where the noise was coming from.

She flicked on the light, and nearly had a heart attack at the side. The knife slipped from her hand and clattered to the floor, catching Frank’s attention. He look at her, a shocked expression in his eyes. He hadn’t meant for her to find him.

“Y/N,” he sighed as he wiped some of the blood away from his face, but failing and only spreading it more. She looked him up and down and saw that that he was covered in blood, although he didn’t appear to have any visible injuries besides his bloody and cracked knuckles. She backed up a little bit as he took a step towards her.

“Frank,” her voice was shaky as she came to the realization of what he had done, “Frank-”

“Y/N, I had to do it. You know I had to,” he held up his hands in defense as he tried to read her expression. It appeared to be a mixture of shock and horror.

“No, no. You had a choice. Everything is a choice, you said so earlier. You shouldn’t done this,” she tried to keep her voice even as more tears prickled at the back of her eyes, “how could you do this?”

“He raped you!” he almost shouted in frustration, “if he did it to you, he probably did it countless others! He was not a good person. He made his choice and I made mine.”

“So that’s what you do?! You just choose to kill people? The big bad Punisher? You can’t just go and decide who to kill. We have a justice system for that!”

“A justice system that is fucked up and has never helped people like us, you know that! He deserved everything he got,” Frank insisted as he walked closer to her. She froze where she was standing. She looked him up and down, saw the amount of flood he was covered in and did not doubt Frank made him suffer, “I couldn’t let him get away with what he did to you.”

“It was years ago,” she said quietly.

“It doesn’t matter. Everyone has to deal with the consequences of their actions,” he was standing in front of her and gently put his hand on her shoulder. She reached up and softly wiped away some of the blood on his cheek, but realized it was no use, it was long dried.

“This will catch up to you. If he has to pay for his actions, you will too, Frank,” her voice was low, barely above a whisper.

“I know,” he said quietly as he nodded.

Y/N grabbed his hand and pulled him along with her to the bathroom in her room. She grabbed a washcloth, dampened it and started wiping his face. They remained silent, words not needing to be spoken, as she cleaned him up. She tugged at his shirt, indicating for him to take to it off, which he quickly did, discarding it om the floor. She studied his toned body and wiped away any of the dried blood she spotted.

He watched her intently, her face scrunched up in concentration. She grabbed his hands and cleaned his knuckles, taking care in bandaging them to make sure they wouldn’t get worse. Her eyes met his and she could tell he was getting ready to say something, so she put her finger up to his lips, to shush him.

They remained there for a few quiet moments, Frank sitting on the toilet, Y/N perched on the edge of the tub. She stood up, but he reached for her wrist and held her back. He stood up and looked down at her, before resting his forehead against hers, in a small, but intimate gesture. She breathed in scent, familiar already, but currently faintly laced with the reminiscence of blood.

Y/N took a moment before leaning up and crashing her lips onto his lips, a gesture which caught him off guard for a moment, but he wasted no time returning the kiss. It was hungry and intense, their mouths fighting for dominance, as Frank’s hands dropped to her waist, pulling her flush against his body as she wrapped her arms his neck.

He held onto to her as he led her out of the bathroom, and towards her bed. They pulled apart when they needed air, remaining silent. Frank untangled himself from her and saw a look of surprise cross her face.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” he said gently as he touched her cheek gently before heading out of her room.

Y/N sat down on her bed, her hand ghosting over where his hand had been on her cheek. She replayed the previous moments in her head, both regretting her actions, and glad they had finally acted on the sexual tension that had been growing between them.

Tomorrow would tell them where they stood. Tomorrow could be as far away as she wanted.

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