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a-collection-of-villainous-aus · 4 years

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COFFEE SHOP AU PT 4

SEGMENT THREE of four cause it turned out segment three is so long I cant put it in one post XD

After Cruentus had left to make the tea, Hat curled back up onto the bed, was he as bad as Vincent…with his inability to ever truly let Acylius go?

Nuzzling against the pillow Flug used to lay his head on , Amadeus whimpered softly…no if his Acylius did not…could not love him in this new life, he would never make him do anything he didn’t want to do, he could never do what Vincent had done to Flug, ever.

Now that he was the one with power he knew one thing, he would protect Acylius from ever being hurt or harmed again, if someone so much as tried to he would destroy them without second thought.

Pulling the pillow to his chest he cuddled it closer, knowing he was down there, in the town in that little coffee shop, so close and yet so far away was far more heart wrenching than anyone could imagine, to have those eyes look at him and not recognise him…a small part of him wondered if he should be in his life again…after all he had been the final piece to fall into place to set in motion the events that would lead to Acylius’s death…

Oh he knew Acylius would tell him it was always meant to happen, that it wasn’t his fault…idiot man, he could have lived and left the Elderichts to rot…let him rot in the gutters with them, if all his kindness only ended up with him being killed for it…

Hat curled in tighter feeling the guilt of that thought twist in his gut, to think it was dishonouring all Lulu had fought for, all he’d done only had him curl up tighter, often he’d wished he’d been able to save him, be there just in time and be his hero…the irony of those words…yet being a hero…was not all what modern day society made it out to be with brightly coloured suits and pulling in fans…it was about doing the right thing and stepping up…as much as Acylius had his darkness…

In his own right, to the Elderichts…he was their hero, who kept his name quiet out of respect because it was what his stupid tree had wanted…if he’d had his way he’d have built a statue, had books written about him, the finest artists make portrait galleries out of him, made the universe aware of his existence, a proclamation of love for everyone to hear spoken across time and space…

But no…that was not his Doctor Flug; his Acylius whispered like the spring breeze through the blossom trees he loved so much only becoming a thunderous fearful storm when called for, he was absolutely ridiculous at times, daft as anything to when he was in the safety of his own home…he could not forget that first morning….

(Wavy scene and flash back music, shrugs I’m just like that and finally using an old ramble of mine <3) and I will let you know when the flash back ends ❤️

Hat looked himself over in the mirror, he’d straightened out his tie and suit, even though his ears were hidden under his top hat even brushed the fur on them, made sure he was as presentable as he could be, after all he did not know what half of these fancy contraptions laid out on his…was it his dressing table.

That idiot Legion Demon just came out of nowhere and was all here have a place to sleep, a room of your own, even though you’re in heat I won’t take advantage of you or even touch you, honestly what was he supposed to do with that, anyone else would have taken what they wanted and left him there.

Hat huffed, why was he so upset that Acylius…no no he couldn’t call him that, he was Doctor Flug, Legion Demon, a creature highly sought after, if he wasn’t careful about how he spoke to the demon he might push his luck too far and be kicked out, that would not exactly be something new but…this time…even if they’d just met yesterday, he found himself not wanting to leave.

He would do what he needed to do, to placate him, to sooth his temper if he had one, most of his kind liked sex after all right, he did too honestly but…when it was consensual, but he was not above doing what needed to be done to keep a roof over his head within reason…though he still couldn’t deny he was somewhat miffed Acylius had not come in last night and just taken him, at least he would have been one of the more attractive…

Who was he fooling, he found the Legion demon beautiful, and what was he?

(This is my story and I will have hat all dreamy about the tree like some romance novel if I want XD)

A short little thing that had crawled out of a heap…he knew he deserved more, that his kind should not be living such poor lives, to be used as food, as toys or experiments, but too many of them had accepted their fates and he’d agreed to leave knowing his determination of better to rise up would only cause them problems…and well they already had enough of those.

Black Hat looked over the room he’d been given, that bed was so soft he thought he might have sunk into it never to be seen again, the on suite bathroom filled with so many different bottles of this, that and the other left him overwhelmed, usually he’d had to share baths with those he’d stayed with.

Hands on the dressers edge, his claws digging lightly into the wood, this was his chance, his first real big chance to make his place be more than what he was, to prove to all these rich elitist snobs that you did not need to come from riches to belong, that everyone was equal when things were made even and equal.

Yes when he had his stand, he would show them but for now he was going to go downstairs and show the Legion demon the respect he no doubt felt he deserved, there was no possible way there was not a catch in all of this somewhere.

He went first to the kitchen, it was silent and well no one was around and the bin seemed to need changing, stuffed full of scraps of food...with the word recycle carved into it, well no one was there yet he could find himself a bite to eat out of it, it was unlikely Acylius or his butler would serve him anything but what came from here anyway right.

Lifting the lid he didn’t even flinch at the smell, he’d eaten from worse places after all, Black Hat had been about to reach a hand in when he heard someone clearing their throat at the door way, he froze, was this it the thing that would get him turned out now, he was only taking food no longer wanted…his fingers stretched then curled, hand falling back by his side and waited.

“Sir, if Acylius saw you eating from the bins it would upset him greatly…”

Cruentus walked up by his side briskly and shut the lid

“Why because I was stealing something no longer wanted?”

Hat returned looking up at Cruentus, his gaze defiant and shoulders drawn back, he was not ashamed of finding food where he could when he needed it.

“No, because the thought he’d let you starve or feel you would ever go without food here would mortify him.”

Hat blinked as he listened to the hellhounds sombre tone, well that was unexpected

“Oh and why is that?”

It looked as if the butler had wanted to tell but his maw was kept shut on the matter shaking his head

“That is not my story to tell, perhaps the master will tell you eventually himself…now what do you want for breakfast.”

“I doubt you would give me anything with bacon.”

Hat replied looking away…this place was odd indeed.

“Do you want it thick cut? Smoked or not? Crispy or not?”

Cruentus inquired walking past him again and tied on his apron

“Th-there’s more than one way to have it?” Hat answered completely lost at that answer

“I see, I will make you a whole selection then, I assure you the master would want you to be able to learn what you like, though be warned he might pinch a piece of the crispy bacon.”

Cruentus laughed setting out the frying pans.

Pinch a piece of food from someone else’s plate? A Legion demon would never do such a thing, not a high class creature like Doctor Flug, no…it wasn’t possib- and then he saw the tall, long legged demon entering the room, scratching at his head, wearing grey sweat pants and a jumper to match, looking nothing like the being he’d met yesterday, adorned with a five o clock shadow, his hair not even brushed and fluffy slippers.

Hat stood there, slack jawed as Acylius yawned, fangs bared a moment and then just looking sleepy but happy

“Good morning Black Hat, I trust you slept well?”

Damn it his voice was that deep soft rumbling gravel …he could have read him the phone book and his ears would have perked up just to listen to each soothing syllable that left those scarred lips.

(I described it once as being like James Spader’s voice you might know the voice of Ultron from age of ultron or Alucard from Hellsing)

Of course the first thing to come out of Hat’s mouth was not exactly the appropriate answer as he sputtered

“Is this!? I mean is this how you usually live?!”

Cruentus bit his lip; forcing back the laugh that swelled within his chest, ohhhh apparently this little creature was in for a wakeup call if Hat thought he was living with a snobby demon indeed!

Acylius looked at him then opened the cupboard pulling out something akin to the lucky charms cereal only in this world it had little devils and demons and pentagons all pastel coloured

“Not when I have certain guests over, after all some demons will not see you unless you put on airs, a display that you are high class, boring stuff really if you ask me.”

He shrugged pulling now the milk from the fridge and was about to drink from the carton

“Boy, what have I told you about doing that? Don’t make me tap your ears young man.”

Cruentus pointed the tongs at him that he used to turn the bacon in the pan, snapping them at him.

Acylius’s ears went down as he smiled sheepishly, cheeks tinting pink

“Sorry Papa, I know it’s a bad habit.”

Did Doctor Flug’s butler just reprimand him, was Flugs Butler his father….what the huh?

Hat shook his head, what in all of hell what going on, standing up straight he looked up at them

“I am a guest here you could at least treat me as such, I have done my best to be proper like the rich are and…”

Acylius loomed over him, looking much like those silhouette pictures you see in animations when they’re going for the threatening look

“Is this what you want Amadeus for me to look down on you, I do not take kindly to my guests, they know visiting me and one wrong word can put them in poor favour with me…”

His eyes glowed white there was not colour in them and in that mass of black his smile grew and grew, showing off bright white fangs thin and needle like, another one appeared and another all of them speaking as he prodded him

“IS this what you want Amadeus, for me to be the monster they expect me to be?”

Cruentus raised a brow, oh so Hat liked what he saw before him did he, it was pretty obvious with how transfixed he was.

Amadeus pulled off his hat and played with it in his hands letting it fall below the waist, doing his best to subtly hide something that showed he enjoyed seeing this darker side of Acylius, Cruentus of course only shook his head and continued on the bacon, oh lord he could see how this was going to go eventually anyway.

Acylius froze, cat ears, fluffy black cat ears …Amadeus had, he wanted to touch them so much, to run his claws over them and nuzzle into the soft fur, his display disappeared, back into the grey sweats and dishevelled hair, cereal and milk in his hands and then the softest look that made Hat want to reach out and touch his face and let him know everything would be alright.

“I am sorry if I frightened you Amadeus…but you are not a guest you are a housemate and I want you to know you can be relaxed here in this place in your home if you so wish it to be your home.”

He turned and went to sit at the table about to pour milk into the box of cereal when Cruentus placed a bowl and spoon in front of him

“Stop that I know you’re just trying to be this extra lazy to vex me.”

Cruentus chuckled tapping the top of his head

“Perhaps I am, but you like knowing I still want you to do little things for me now and again Papa.”

“What kind of Father would I be if I were not there for my son hmm?”

Cruentus answered affectionately before going off to serve up the bacon.

Hat, was still standing shifting on his feet.

“Can I sit to?”

Cruentus came along with the plate and literally picked hat up by the back of the neck right where he knew he’d turn into a kitten and curl up completely compliant

“Dumbass he said you’re a house mate you can sit whenever you want.”

He sat him on the seat across from Acylius and set the plate down

“Bon appetit Amadeus, being welcomed to stay in the home by Acylius is honestly a rare thing…very rare.”

“Cruentus, can you please not do that again, I abhor when that is done to me.”

Hat ground out between clenched teeth, hands balled up into fists and ears laid back, his hat sitting on his lap, the problem he’d had was now gone, placing his hat back on, he expected Cruentus to snap at him or punish him…after all he was still…a…a sewer rat to everyone who wasn’t one of his kind…there was no reason for these demons to treat him like he…mattered.

“My apologies Amadeus, I should not have been so forward in my actions, I will not do that again.”

Hat only grumbled and started munching on the bacon using his fingers to pick it up

“Fork, Amadeus and knife if you want to start appearing proper in front of polite company.”

“Yes sir.”

“My name is Acylius, not sir, master or Doctor Flug behind closed doors and out of the ears of others, I suppose if it makes you comfortable you can call me Flug if you do not feel on a first name basis with me.”

“Really, that is a little too personal do you not think Doctor Flug?”

Black Hat sneered, after all was that not the way of the rich, to act better, to be Impersonal.

“Honestly at this rate I will leave as your actions have been highly disappointing and not what I expected of a Legion demon such as yourself.”

Was he doing it right, was he acting like the higher class do?

The room fell silent, a fist hitting the table making the cutlery rattle

“Amadeus Black Hat, you will not talk to him like that, what are you going to do? Return to living in motel rooms, drifting from place to place to be used like a toy, the next house you go into you will not come out of…except through the sewers as faecal matter.”

Acylius placed a hand on Cruentus’s arm; his father huffed and turned away

“The higher ups out there, most of them couldn’t give two shit’s they would sooner kill you…if I had not arrived Amadeus when I did …it would literally be a matter of moments before their assassins ascended on you and left your corpse in the street…”

The legion demon poked at his cereal, it’d gone soggy now and honestly he’d lost his appetite

“I’ve assigned you as my being, by law and the ways of a Legion this means they cannot touch you but only when I am with you or Cruentus is with you…I promised myself I would never do that, but I know what you are trying to do and I have already been trying to help the cause.”

Hat’s breath stilled, those eyes the way they changed hues of blue fleeting through emotions, assigned himself, he’d already been helping what did that mean he would ask soon it was clear the doctor was not done

“Amadeus outside of this home I now belong to you in their eyes like a pedigree dog, it’s what they see Legion demons as, they must treat us at least with respect and some kindness if they do not want their fortune to fall, but in this home. I am what I have always been, Acylius Flug the Free Legion, those who are on our side will know this, but I am going to use my ridiculously high class to teach you to be a refined villain and to be like them if you so wish to be a monster.”

Ah so that was what assigned meant, to be his …good luck charm to be the reason the dice fell in his favour so to speak, he’d given up his freedom in a sense for him…

“Amadeus’s I would tell you to take your elbows off the table as it is considered rude but in this place I am going to live my life as I wish to, as I want to, I only want to run a quiet little coffee shop , perhaps find a partner and live a quieter life…”

Acylius leaned back and placed his feet on the table and Amadeus’s looked along the length of those legs, holy …they were long.

“How did you find me?”

Amadeus asked quietly.

Acylius pulled a cigarette from nowhere, his thumb lighting up with a blue flame to light it, it was not a thing humans could inhale, despite it‘s sweet lavender scent, scratching lightly at his stubble he took a drag and let the taste settle on his tongue and the warmth of the smoke swirl within his lungs before exhaling, they were also not toxic but used as a relaxant with nothing that could cause harm.

“You were not exactly subtle about your notions, you let too many of the wrong ears hear your plans, your thoughts about inequality, there is always a high caste group who will detest such on goings and try to keep what they consider balance, to them you’re dangerous Amadeus…the thought that could get your kind to rise up if they feel there is reason and hope to.”

He paused again to take another puff

“Your kind were not always in the sewers, but I have not uncovered much of your history but I see you as a kindred spirit, both wanting better for our kind, I do not expect you to help my cause, but I ask one thing, if you do become some great overlord that over throws them…free the Legions from the contracts they are bound to, let them always have free choice to leave if they so desire to…once bound we cannot be freed unless our assigned master allows it.”

“I give you my word Flug, if you can truly help me, and mean what you are offering I will do what you ask…and I…I am sorry, I have had the idea all high people were the same even in their homes I forget that even those who reign in gold palaces have hearts…and own personal problems…do you all hide behind those marble masks of cold in public?”

Hat replied, offering out a piece of bacon, after all Cruentus had said Acylius did like pinching off other people’s plates and it’d seemed the doctor had gone off his cereal, it was a crispy piece so far his favourite of the lot but he wanted to share it with him.

Hat’s heart raced as their finger tips came in contact and Acylius actually took the piece and thanked him for it before proceeding to munch on it happily

“Thank you Black Hat, I can only hope you will stand to that promise, I have willingly pledged my life to you…and to answer your question, most of them do not wear emotional masks they are just that up their own ass and that cold…perhaps you have seen me around before…”

With a wave of his hand his face was cleaned up and hair tidied as well as scars hidden away he pulled a face one would expect a cold creature to pull.

“Oh dear lord you’re the one Vincent would not stop going on about…I remember him constantly talking about you, literally has a shrine of you in his bedroom…he let me stay one night after I fixed his coat for him.”

“Bah that daft obsessed Rabbit demon, often I have thought of putting him in a racing track and letting hounds chase after him, I wonder how he would feel about me then.”

He let the illusion fade and returned back to his dishevelled state letting a ring of smoke drift Hat’s way, the angle he was at made it circle the rough top hat perfectly, his ears perked up

“Ahh yes there it is, your organization shall be called Black Hat Organization, Evil is our business, and business is good!”

With a flick of his wrist a white card stood between two finger tips, he tossed it to Amadeus who caught it and saw the image, a silhouette of a top hat and a black ring with the business name under it.

“Now before we start any kind of business I will need to train and guide you and awaken such powers within you, not even you could imagine.”

End of Flash back

End of segment three

THIS PART ENDED UP GETTING SO LONG I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A SEGMENT FOUR BUT IT'S ALL TYPED UP SO NO WAITING TIME ❤️

#acylius flug #Black hat #coffee shop au #past coffee shop #Present day #Paperhat #Cruentus #Villainous au #Omg so au ooc #❤️

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lotrewrite · 7 years

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LOT Chat Summaries (Sep-Oct)

Sorry this took so long! Find below the LOT Chat Summaries for the chats held on 16 September and 1 October. Includes the song recs and fanfic/fanart etc moments we’d like to see, as mentioned in the chats :-)

Episode 1

A gifset of Kendra flying, a flashback to a sepia-toned image, and then her saying “not another flashback

Gifset of Kendra saying she dumped Carter

One with Mick and Nate, with nate realising he’s travelling on his own

Something of Nate waving his pencil in Oliver’s face and complaining about his thesis

Run Boy Run by Woodkid

Don’t Let ‘Em Grind You Down by motörhead for Nate

Dust in the Wind by Kansas for Mick

Centuries by FOB just in general

Do it like a Dude for Queen Bee

Europa - Globus should be for WWII

40s music! There’s Torched Song from the L.A. Noire soundtrack and it’s so good for Mick

You Turn Me Right Round for the Lichtenstein anomaly Hello by Adele for Coldwave

Postmodern Jukebox

for the 40s in France music, there should definitely be Le Temps des Cerises

Legendary by Welshly Arms for the rewrite in general

Welshly Arms - Legendary for the whole season

"Look What you made me do” theme for the Legion

Our Corner of the Universe by KS Rhoads for Team Legends

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjiupe-odRQ Goldberg Variations

“Sexual Healing” for Queen Anne/Sara…

“House of Memories” by Panic at the Disco for 2 or 3

way to the future by kate herzig

Episode 2

Bambi

Bambi and Ray eating together

Ratigan riding bambi at one point

Bambi meeting Ratigan

Bambi in the remains of the other raptors

Ratigan standing on Bambis head, pointing one paw: ONWARDS, Waverider in the background, Ray and Mick screaming of screen “Come back you little shits!”, “Join the Legends of Tomorrow” text above, “Save the Timeline” underneath, think like an old style Soviet propaganda poster, Waverider in the background, Ratigan and Bambi up front, “Join the Legends of Tomorrow” text above, “Save the Timeline” underneath

Coldwave song idea- Whispers by Dave Baxter)

Angel with a shotgun (for song choices)

gregorian monks chanting modern songs?

Pull the monks from Monty Python

For Ray: “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”

Gregorian version of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”

“I walk a lonely road” = Ray having a moment

We are the monks from the Galavant soundtrack

I’m a different kind of princess from the galavant soundtrack for Sara

Mick telling Jax to fly because he’s already had whiskey

Jax and Stein in the infirmary

More of Kendra’s incarnation’s story

Hotblooded for Mick

Fireball

arsonist’s lullaby

Sir Patrick Stewart played the Lionheart once

coldwave - fate don’t know you by desi valentine

a version of friar tuck as one of the monks

Jurassic Park theme

Jon Bernthal’s character would be good for Peter

“Istanbul not Constantinople” by They Might Be Giants

“Jerusalem of Gold” by Ofra Haza

“Lanercost” by Steeleye Span

Episode 3

Ginnifer Goodwin as Nancy wake?

Melanie Lynskey for Nancy

Amaya and Sara’s conversations

The moment where Nate shouts “NANCY WAKE?!?”

le temps des cerises europa

fanart of that fight scene with everyone

Edith Piaf

Europa by Globus

“Le Temps des Cerises”

“La Vie En Rose” by Edith Piaf

In the Mood" by Glen Miller

la marsaillaise by edith piaf

The jukebox version of Seven Nation Army

Sentimental Journey by Doris Day for Amaya

Cover of paper planes done in a '40s style by jukebox

Hitler Has Only Got One Ball to the Colonel Bogey’s March

Nancy Wake’s song is Witness by Mindless Self Indulgence

Episode 4

Watch Your Back by Sam Tinnesz for the second half with Eobard

Fanart of the moment Eo brings back Laurel

Sara and Laurel in the med bay

Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall, possibly some ominous cover version, for the villains’ evil wall related schemes

Sara and Eobard drinking together

Every Breath You Take by Chase Holfeder. He does great minor covers of songs in major keys

99 Luftballoons by Nena

Something with Stein giving Marty his talking to, in the middle of the crowds in Berlin

Kim Weston – You hit Me Where It Hurts

The Ramones – Never Should Have Opened That Door

It’s So Easy when you’re evil

Rotten to the Core Disney movie descendants

When You’re Evil" by Voltaire for the Legion

Episode 5

Faroese Valravn or German Faun’s music

Mick Rory with the viking horns

Lisa

Wagner

Gunlod singing at the battle

ride of the valkyries

Looking too Closely by Fink for the end

Faun’s Walpurgisnacht would fit

fanart (gifset if possible) of Jax and Gunlod, being all flirty

Valravn has a version of Drømte mig en drøm

Jakob Oftebro for King Sweyn

Never Forget by Greta Salome

the fires

Mick headbutting the viking with his horned helmet

Paprika Steen or Hella Joof for Adisla

everybody talking to Lisa about their memories of Len, like one of those pics, with the bonfire and everyone around it, in the centre of the page, and then everyone’s memories in a circle around it

Eivør Pálsdóttir for Gunlød

“For the Love of a Princess "James Horner https://youtu.be/fckH2P0KK14

Episode 6

Uh, all of it

fancasts for our robot gangster

brent spiner

THE VOICE OF K2-SO whatshisname

Alan Tudyk

James Spader

we should just have ALL the famous robot actors hanging out

C3PO too

R2D2 and BB8

something frank sinatra

mission impossible theme

Robot Parade

"Mr Roboto”

A mix of Mission Impossible and the LoT theme

There’s a french revolution documentary with a song called rise of robespierre that sounds very steampunk and mechanical

Mick in his fireman clothes

the song from anything goes where she’s singing about her gangsters

Lisa kneeing Ray in the balls? like, I love Ray

like, every moment of lisa

“Weird Science” for the Stein/Dr Metcalf argument by Oingo Bongo

The Last of the Real Ones by FOB

Episode 7

Cisco getting thumbs up from Felicity and Winn when Lisa winks at him as she’s walking off

X-files theme somewhere along the way

seven nation army the original version would be good there

“Space Girl” for all the girls

salute by little mix for the girls

“Science Fiction Double Feature”

Episode 8

it’s a kind of magic

Lupita Nyong'o for Queen Bee

Magic Man" by Heart

Angela Basset

Taraji P Henson

viola davis

jada pinkett smith

Constantine interacting with the Legends

Something with the legends standing outside Zatanna’s place, looking frustrated at her “I’m not here” sign

Episode 9

Mick and Georgie, anything and everything with them

Is Anybody There from 1776

One of those things that fly across your dash with Ray and his rocket boot

Battle of Yorktown

fanart of that first confrontation when they meet Rip for the first time

Fanart of Washington’s ridiculous height

Georgie and Mick towering over everyone

Sara realising she just knocked back Martha’s eggnog and is actually talking to George Washington

Joke suggestion for Rip: I knew you were trouble, Taylor Swift

For Georgie storyarc, the Too Late to Apologize cover

mama look sharp from 1776

for Mick and Len and the hallucination arc, “Drumming Song” Florence and the Machine

“White Rabbit” Jefferson Airplane for Ray’s shrinking arc

"The Battle of New Orleans"

Episode 10

black sails intro

pirates OST

Ray’s costume trials need “Sharp dressed man”

There’s a lovely cover by Jo Dee Messina

“Yo Ho A Pirate’s Life for Me”

Wolves of the Sea by Pirates of the Sea, the Eurovision version

Assassin’s Creed Black Flag music

I’m a Modern Major General for Stein in disguise

Heroes by Måns Zelmerlöw for the legends at some point in some episode

Ray’s montage fanart

something from crouching tiger hidden dragon maybe

Ray dressing as blue beetle and everyone looking thoroughly unimpressed

Ray trying to be Cold, and Mick of taking back the cold gun

Mick and Ray arguing about pirates vs ninjas and Len in the back, very very frustrated

Fanart of what would happen if Len COULD change outfits at will, mick looks over and has to try not laughing if len could change outfits, Len shows up in a terrible pirate outfit, Mick spit-takes, Ray says “we have to re-shoot that”, Sara (from offscreen): “Where did you even GET that?”

Ming-Na Wen for Ching, Maggie Cheung, Michelle Yeoh, Fan Bingbing

Episode 11

Mick in shorts

“Down Under” by Men at Work, maybe for the sequence where Mick is being mistaken for an Aussie

fanart of that scene and also of everybody in their clothes

Everybody Wants To Rule the World by Tears for Fears

all the bad fashion

lost boys soundtrack

fanart of the intro scene of bby Mick and Len

people are strange by the doors; don’t cry little sister

Weird Al’s “Smells Like Nirvana” for the section that goes

we didn’t start the fire

Ngaire - Keisha Castle-Hughes

Episode 12

the alien theme

Sort of atmospheric background music

skittering noises

Space Girl

Ziggy Stardust

Lost in Space theme

Thus Spake Zarathusa

cold as ice for Len

AIDA from Agents of Shield in part inspired Grace, but she’s not the fancast

major tom

sigourney weaver as the engineer

for fanfic, something about Mick as Chronos, or Rip and Miranda hearing the story of the Mosaic

The moment with the Captain is saving Mick

Len and Gideon

The ghost behind Sara, and of Medusa!Grace

scaredy cat Stein

Sara and Mick sharing the quiet moment next to the graves

From Space girl: “Travelled through the time warp in the Psycho Plan”

Len shouting at Mick not to go on the other ship

Episode 13

Some ironic/dark use of something from the Evita musical

Don’t cry for me, Argentina

Mercedes Sosa

Solo le pido a dios

Churros. Any pic set of this episode must include churros.

Saved the world by eurythimics

copa la vida by ricky martin, maybe for the sequence with the soccer reference

under my umbrella aka, “Bus Stop” by the Hollies

The Legion surrounded by umbrellas

when Mick and the others are in the bakery

Fanart of Len, Thawne and Dahrk replicating the Singing In The Rain poster

Episode 14

fanart of Amaya dancing while Jax looks on like a proud brother

Greensleeves

Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Henry

Pasttime in Good Company

Brian Blessed

Eric Bana

Sean Astin

Mick sitting alone in the garden with his lighter while len looks at him sadly

the globe burning

Sara dancing with Henry, and amaya in the back like….oh shit

Burning Down The House

Talking Heads

Royals by Lorde

Sons of Serendip

Fanart of Sara and Amaya trying to get dressed

Natalie Dormer as Ann, Natalie Portman

prison themed music for the dungeon scene

Johnny Cash

lone blues harmonica

Mood board for henry and anne (+sara)

Episode 15

New york new york

All the old Irish songs about New York

Streets of New York

Pogues and Flogging Molly

Wolfe Tones

the legion in their “hq”

Queen Been in a barbershop chair

Amaya carrying Sara with spirit wings behind her.

Legion!Len being pissed at racists

Some dramatic baroque-layout style picture of the mob about to start, and the only points of colour in the pic are Sara, Amaya, and Darhk

Lily fanart

her and Rip working together to guide the team from the Waverider

Stein helping a tiny Lily make her first atom model

Episode 16

annoying game show background music

A montage set to the actual Legends of the Hidden Temple, or art with the Legends and Legion wearing those dorky outfits

Benny Hill theme song

The Chicken Dance song played in slow mo

theme from Gremlins

Someone who does podcasts needs to do some lines from the announcers

Fanart of the renegades first appearance

Fan art of affronted Mick and Len

Those (song) in Minor Key posts, Maybe the Benny Hill theme in minor key for dramatic parts

Stephen Fry would probably be perfect for Ethelred

Some of the challenges in the labyrinth should come with really annoying early computer game sounds

Art of the game in the style of one of those old crappy text RPGs and at one point, there’s a sign off to the side that says “don’t go this way - you will be eaten by a grue”

The whole Legends in The Future, yelling at a computer

16 or 32-bit version of the characters

in the year 2525 (song)

Episode 17

it's gotta be cassette quality 90's music

Green Day

Aqua barbie girl

drunk Legends

Spice Girls

lots of Madonna and Prince and Maria Carey

Jax and Jessica duke it out at the whack a mole

all the home alone sequences

Sound of Silence for the “Hello Darhk-ness my old friend” part

O!Len realising L!Len can see him

Jessica - Gina Rodriguez

“I put a spell on you” for the final sequence with Queen Bee

Any Jax/Jessica photoset would need their respective dolls

Episode 18

music rec: we will rock you. Nothing else will do for Sara’s gladiator appearance

the woman who played Lucilla in Gladiator for Fulvia

Centuries

Marc Antony, the guy who played him in Rome did it

Is Anybody There from 1776 musical

Rome, Spartacus, The Gladiator soundtracks

Sara fighting Darhk

EVERYONE in ancient Rome outfits

Legionnaire!Len

Kendra and Fulvia, lounging on their seats

Legion!Len in his toga

Having scenes from this episode using dialogue from Life Of Brian.

Kendra in Rome getup

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Episode 19

Camelot from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Len’s ice ramp

Old school superhero comic style fan art of the knights

Joan (song)

everyone dressed up for dinner

Mick and Mordred

Colin Farrell for Jason Blood

Merlin - Taika Waititi

Eva Green for Morgana

Sofia Boutella for Nimue

Ivana Baquero ystina

Faun's Tanz mit mir for the party scene

Doomworld 1 & 2

crossover fan art of a certain Victor von Doom being angry with the Legion

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

Eurythmics "Sweet dreams are made of this"

Walking on the Ground

for Batman, Batfleck, Jason O’Mara

B: TAS theme

Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"

Nathan Fillion - Hal

Don’t Mess With Me by Temposhark

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" by Cage the Elephant

Ted - Danny Pudi

Everyone decked out in their doomworld versions

The fight between Mick, L!Len, and then the lanterns show up

all by myself to be playing in the background at the very end when Mick is left alone

Land of Confusion by Genesis, or the Disturbia version

Uprising by Muse

Believer by Imagine Dragons

Last Episode

Fan art of Bambi leaping joyfully into Ray’s arms

A gif set of Mick and Len hugging

fanart, specifically, of Ray and Bambi skipping through a field of flowers towards each other as “So Happy Together” plays in the background

everyone hugging Len, then Len and Mick hugging

A sweet piece of Sara and Laurel talking through the inter-dimensional skype

O!Len holding the spear, with the team in the back yelling at him not to do it

The sequence where the jump ship explodes in the middle of the time stream

we are the champions

Legendary

#episode #suggestions #recap #submission

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jamesfuckyeahspader · 7 years

Text

Are there any men out there really like Reddington?

Played by James Spader, this character is truly unique. Where many men in the world of crime are portrayed as impatient with language and discussion Red is a connoisseur of metaphorical stories, symbols, and cultural particularities and unlike his shady counterparts he takes his time to make his point. He is ruthless, yes, but that isn’t all there is to him. So often antiheroes are so barbarically evil that that is their defining characteristic which drives their every move. Red’s willingness to kill without hesitation is a means to an end, not for the actual sake of killing, and his “badness” is a part of him, but it’s not what defines him. Red is a lover of life. He loves the little things: the way the sun shines through the leaves, The exquisite taste of an aviation cocktail, The way the Russian dancers tango , in the midst of his trials he always takes the time to “smell the flowers.” Even in the most pressing situation he will find something to amuse him and his quick laugh is designed to portray his refusal to be intimidated. The people around him may think that his commentary is solely for the purpose of distraction, but I believe it has real meaning to him, it’s his way of staying in touch with his true self, his childlike innocent self, everything else is just a game. His attitude is one of carpe diem “we all die don’t we? So let’s get the most out of life while we are here, lets enjoy the wine, listen to the music, wear the fine clothes, I may kill you, but that doesn’t matter really when life holds such beauty.” Red is the intriguing mystery, he is a puzzle of eclectic pieces and we want to pull off all his fine clothes to figure out what he’s hiding and how all the pieces came to fit so perfectly together to create this polished confident strange man. Well traveled well connected, and ridiculously knowledgable, is there anything he can’t find the answer to?

She is the one thing in his life that makes him vulnerable, that makes him feel fear (of her coming to harm) and the one thing that makes him visibly serious. I’ve said he doesn’t take life seriously, but this is only partly true. I think his lightheartedness is his coping mechanism for dealing with his life tragedies, and he plays it to his advantage. He has accepted himself, his faults, his life circumstances, and he is patiently making the “long play.” This man knows what love is and he shows it! Red knows that loyalty, honesty, trust, compassion, freedom, vulnerability, safety, and presence of mind are all necessary in love. He refuses to run displaying the power she has over him and his willingness to be vulnerable before her. “Nothing can be worse than losing you”. As much as Red is willing to give for this love, his doesn’t make him a push over or weak either. He is charming, challenging, stubborn, shameless, controlling, opinionated, and bold. He goes about his business, doing his thing, killing anyone that stands in his way, taking opportunities that are presented to him. He loves himself in a good way, in the way that gives him the patience to let things come to him, in the way that he isn’t needy and because of this he sees all the little nuances around him and this brings him great pleasure.

Red is always laughing at his own jokes because all the little ironies and circumstances intrigue him. I think one of his most defining characteristics is his patience, it’s the kind of patience that only great confidence can bring.

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imyourplusone · 8 years

Text

Smells like Decadence & Vice.....more like Desperation & Vexation

But I liked 4.12 a lot and I’m shocked considering…reasons. I’m curious to see what everyone thinks.

Cons:

-So it’s that wonderful season known as Redemption promotion from hell so on one hand I get it. No I don’t get it but I expected it. But BUT don’t ever try and make me believe Red would go to Tom for anything. ANYTHING. EVER. Every time it happens it’s absurd.

-Samar and the things she finds romantic. Tom killing the harbormaster to fake save Liz remember that weirdness. The killer couple and the death scene….well hell I loved those two kids too and was rooting for them so what do I know.

-Um the pay raise. Look I’m all for equal pay but let’s not ignore things like how long you’ve been with the company etc. On the other hand to just have Samar take a step back and give up the fight because she should be grateful for what she has. One of those times my head was spinning as I thought yeah this was written by a guy.

-Liz. Just that. Liz. Former Profiler Elizabeth Keen who talks of psychotic homicidal killers that came between her and Tom when she’s staring Psychotic Homicidal Tom in the face. I’m dizzy. She’s not sure she’ll love the real Tom. THERE IS NO REAL TOM OMG!! But this scene is also a pro as well because k2 is cold as ice. Does this look like a couple in love? Hell no…they barely even touch. Feels like they’re coming apart. yesss! Die k2 die! Not sorry about that either as you probably can guess

Pros:

-Really liked the blacklister and enjoyed this sweet couple and I was hoping for a cure till the very end. I’m a romantic I can’t help it. That kiss of death thing was kind of awesome but it’s wrong so very wrong to go around killing innocent people. I’m conflicted here but it was great imo

-I’m enjoying the buildup of these episodes. One clue leading to the next leading to the big bad while throwing Red in a tailspin. I’m hoping for an excellent payoff. What the hell hope dies last I suppose and besides we have poisoned Red to look forward to.

-Red you lonely misunderstood puppy. The isolation is growing and I’m freaked out but in a good way. Feels great to be excited about upcoming episodes. He cares about Elizabeth and Agnes. I’m there for that all day everyday.

The truth. I hold it dear

Liz: are you my father?

Red: no

Thanks for the reminder Red and also that though you aren’t perfect there is a moral code within that is unwavering. So when you see Mr Kaplan again maybe calm it down some I’m just saying. Speaking of, where the hell is she?!

-James proving once again who the true star is. I love Hisham, Harry, Amir, Mozhan etc but this show rests on Spader’s shoulders and tptb need a reminder of that. Hey those redemption ratings might do the trick. But anyway bless Spader and his genius. It’s a gift to watch him and honestly Tom who?

Losing someone we love is painful. Agonizing even unto death. The Japanese call it takotsubo..a grieving surge of abnormal electrical waves that causes the heart to deflate and contort until it resembles a fishing pot. Hollow and cold, an empty vessel in the bottom of a fathomless sea.

Red always comes back to the sea. It is how he views and copes with the world.

Also the music in the “loss” scene reminded me of cape may. I see you tptb and I’m not nibbling on your hook. See I have nautical references too.

#the blacklist #4.12 #thoughts #spoilers #apparently I can't sleep

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

Text

tube thoughts vol. 5

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Hanna-Barbera present Hillbilly Bears - "Woodpecked" *To stop Maw from nagging his lazy ass, Paw hatches a plan that involves hooking two woodpeckers up, only it backfires, when their screwing reproduces.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The Robot versus The Aztec Mummy" *Bring me the head of Montezuma, and make it snappy. MOOVVIIEE SIGGGGNNNNN!* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Scare Tactics: ---- *Gorilla with a Fist: A slacker goes apeshit during an animal rights activist holdup at a crazy testing lab.* 2 1/2 stars

Anger Mis-Management: Aggression therapy gone wrong.* 2 stars

Fear Antics - The Mandroid: An idiot is convinced to act like a robot and wishes he hadn't when a slow thinking human goes crazy with a crowbar.* 3 stars

World's Scariest Flowers/Smell of Fear: A stalker's special delivery.* 3 stars

----

I'm Alan Partridge: The Talented Mr. Alan *"I was repellant, to women, for two years."* 3 stars

The Prisoner -- 1967 - 1968 -- "Arrival" *A Brit spy awakens in a sickly serene and isolated village from which there is no escape or cerebral evasion.* 3 stars

Shock 'Em Dead (Traci Lords) *A pizza slicin', and always being picked on, poindexter succumbs to the temptation of glowing green goo voodoo in order to become a 'rock god' in a prissy 80's hair-band.* 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Judy Miller Come On Down *A bitchy yuppy's boulevard of boring dreams.* 1/2 a star *Gameshow good fortune forces a 'days of future past' visitation experience.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents J.J. Ambrams "Lost" (pilot episode) *"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without, and zero stars for the vomit vision use of shaking camera

Hanna-Barbera present Jonny Quest: Arctic Splashdown *The team travel to the North Pole to play around with whales, seals, walruses, and the coca cola polar bears. They also try to stop a Ruskie submarine crew from tampering with a crashed, in the ice, rocket.* 3 stars

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" *I was a stubborn human, refusing to give "Rise" a fair chance. I wanted humans, in ape costumes, acting ape. "Dawn" is smarter, and more well made, than any modern "Apes" movie has any right to be. Also, the scene where the villain ape rides horseback, through flames, firing twin machine-guns, during an all out ape-assault, on the human stronghold fortress is the most fun, and satisfying, thing that I've seen, in one of these "Apes" movies, since I first witnessed apes, on horseback, net a fleeing savage-human in the Charlton Heston' "Apes" classic.* 3 stars

Stargate -- Atlantis: "Rising" *Cracking through the ice to find the ancient city of the 'Gate Builders.' Genetically dialing into the unknown. Angels with ugly appetites.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Die, Zombie, Die... Again *Zombie Groundhog Day* 1 star

The Mothman Prophecies *An "It's A Wonderful Life" George Bailey type sad-sack goes chasing a shadowy figure through his own personal Unsolved Mysteries story.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Paranormal Activity" 2007 *Uninspired. for the immature,'shock' end similar to those trick internet videos where a Linda Blair face pops up and screeches when you're staring at something bland for a while.so uncreative that it's more of a threat to the art of filmmaking than digital piracy.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Swamp Thing: Spirit of the Swamp *Green thumb for a black rose.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Challenge of the Wizards *A wacky race, on horseback and roadwarrior vehicles, through a destroyed sin city, for the prize of the ultimate wizard's helmet.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow: "Pink Cupcakes" *Small screen jealousy. Picnic poisoning attempt. Girl with a goober gynecological visit. Gay bar American Psycho. Strongman finger torture. Missing maid's daughter. Lobster Boy looking for true love. Morbidity fame dreams. More David Bowie.* 3 stars

Bob Clampett's "Beany and Cecil" 1962 *"Your obedient serpent" a cartoon dragon handpuppet searches for a treasure in goldfish, solves an illegal eagle's bald shame, and screws up looking after the taco bell dog. Complete with commercials for Chatty Cathy, Matty Mattel, and Casper dolls, along with a Beany toy helicopter hat, plus the kid from 'Lost in Space' gets his own Dick Tracy official snub-nose revolver and tommy-gun (so realistic, modern parents' groups would be up in arms, ha.)* 3 stars

Silent Hill: Revelation *Ned Stark, and his bastard, try to protect Alice from underland. Flawed, but a better frightmare than its cousin series, Resident Evil.* 2 stars

Dr. Caligari 1989 *New-Wave Psycho-Sexual DADA Expressionism* 3 stars

Max Headroom --pilot episode-- "Blipverts" *Network 23's hotshot reporter is serious about getting a story, even if the higher ups are willing to snuff him out to stop it. That story being that subliminal sales messages cause slovenly viewers to suddenly 'splode.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "Mad Monster" *Long in the tooth, and low on thrills, tale of a lobo named Petro.* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Amityville 2: The Possession *Building on burial ground. Basement from hell. Blasphemy. Bad ideas coming from the voice in the headphones. Big, mean daddy. Bad parenting. Beating the kids. Blessing a bloody bed. Bellybutton penetration. Body horror. Bad touch with sister. Blue confession. Black mood birthday. Bullets for loved ones. Batshit defense in court. Bureaucracy of the church. Boy saved by sacrifice. Being forsaken.* 3 stars

Heart She Hollers: And So It Begends *The "Boss" of a grotesque backwoods town tries to continue to micro-manage from beyond via a surreal video-will and his idiot son that he kept secretly bricked up until now.* 2 1/2 stars

"Born Innocent" (Linda Blair) *Cold, mechanical 'justice' for juveniles. Few caring influences. Peers that are jealous hurtful monsters. Disinterested or damaging parental figures. Yearning and underdeveloped 'wards' of whoever is forced to deal with them, and it's unfortunately a system drained of any constructive compassion or intelligent humanity.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: *Zombie Baby: The crew think they have a great idea, a zombie baby (rolls eyes). And they keep screwing up the gross birth scene and nervous kiss scene.* 1 star *Stunt-Double: The chubby mama's boy can't be thrown out of a window, so... a black guy has to take the plunge, instead.* 1 star

The Walking Dead: Self Help *Abraham scares people. He scares his family into fleeing from him, in a flashback, resulting in their deaths. He's about to commit suicide when he meets Eugene and finds his new purpose in life. Eugene needs to watch Abraham and Rosita have sex. He also needs people to believe he's smart. It's been tearing at him and he must confess his dark secret, but this might tear Abraham, and everyone else in the group, apart.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues --pilot episode-- "Station" *Happy go lucky until it gets heavy and hits with a hard left hook.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In: The New Kids *Two orphaned army brats go to live at their uncle's rundown carnival/petting zoo in backwoods Florida where a gang of good ole boys (lead by a creepy James Spader), who won't take no for an answer, decide to make their lives a living hell. Hicksploitation from the creator of the original Friday the 13th.*3stars

William Friedkin's "The Guardian" *A wood nymph (is that what she is?) who frolics & forest bathes nude. A killer tree, like from Evil Dead, that rips people apart. Fairytale like wolves devouring human flesh. Nice modern architectured home. Beautiful wind cinematography like an Andrei Tarkovsky film. Skinemax levels of eroticism. Hansel & Gretel. Hand That Rocked the Cradle. Jeep Wrangler to the rescue. A little ham-fisted. Fun gore fx.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: Legacy of Terror *For a year, Erik Estrada's character, PEPE, gets to hangout in a high-end hotel, play a flute, and be pawed over by beautiful blondes. That is if he willingly sacrifices his heart to an Aztec mummy. The fifth sacrifice in an every fifty two year ritual where the heroic are skewered so the blood god will someday rise again.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi's "Darkman" *Liam Neeson channels Lon Chaney & Boris Karloff doing Tex Avery & Chuck Jones cartoon stunts meets a macabre moody Bruce Timm & Paul Dini cartoon story in one of the first truly good comic style movies.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Corner of the Eye *A dying priest, suffering from demonic visions, is all out of bubblegum, and patience, with his alien overlords, even though they've given him a seemingly miraculous gift.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents: The Bermuda Triangle -1978- *"Annoying sounds and boring repeatitive visuals, Bermuda Triangle, you spoil me."* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Adult Swim, Newsreaders: *Motorboating Dads: Bros give parental advice for sons.* 2 stars *The Negative $100,000 Question: Smug,unfunny Children's Hospital"celebrity."* zero stars

The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy *"So television is responsible!" For the problems with the youth, today, that is. Ahead of its time in pointing out how media protests groups are misguided, could be making better use of their time, and hypocritical. Though it doesn't go easy on the media, either, which is why shows like Simpsons & South Park can be such good satires.* 3 stars

"Wavelength" 1983 *Sublime, stranded and subdued Navi 'children' send out strong signals that they'd like to unobtain our stringent hospitality in this low fi sci fi forgotten classic.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Zombie Fun Run *The town asses (Thr33 Days Dead) organize a run-from-zombies-a-thon, and the town's assclown (Ben Farley) causes one of the town's jackass mascots (a mule statue) to get ran over, leading to the town's asshole authorities going out and catching Thr33 Days Dead with their pants down and their ass hanging out when they ask them to stop being a zombie pain in the ass all over town and ban them from filming in Jas(s)per.* 2 stars

Twin Peaks: The Path to the Black Lodge *"We are all God's fools, more or less, but you will learn, as I have, the value of hate."* 3 stars

Joseph Zito & Tom Savini present "The Prowler" 1981 --Veteran's Day Movie-- *I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces... I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be slashing you... and pitchforking too...* 3 stars

Chuck Jones' "Yankee Doodle Cricket" *Call it macaroni* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Peckinpah's "The Osterman Weekend" *A cynical, Cold War, conniving version of 'The Big Chill.'* 3 stars

"Thr33 Days Dead" (Why not two e letters instead of two of the number 3? It doesn't look 'cool' and it becomes possible to mistake the title for a 'The 33 Days Dead,' at a glance.) *Plague of the 'People of Walmart'* 2 1/2 stars (It's more entertaining than Birdemic) or 1 1/2 stars (It's almost as poorly made as Birdemic) ---(((this movie is just asking to be riffed by rifftrax)))---

Scare Tactics------------ season 2 episode 6 *: A plumber's helper stumbles onto (Silence of the Lamb's) Buffalo Bill's messy bathroom secret.* 3 stars

*: "Are you kidding me, bro?... WTF, bro?..." Late night, middle of nowhere, construction site, strange cult terrorizing a bro scenario.* 2 1/2 stars

*: "You got me trippin'... I watch 'shit' on t.v." A goofy girl gets going- going- gone, when Mummyhotep begins to step.* 2 1/2 stars

*: A telekinetic tween's tantrum.* 2 stars

----------------------------------------------------

X Files ---pilot episode--- *A logical, lady FBI agent gets assigned to keep tabs on the guy, in the basement, lurking in the unexplained phenomena cases.* 3 stars

Bizarre Foods -- Ireland: Ancient Bog Butter *Waxing poetic over 3,000 year old marsh gunk.* 2 1/2 stars

A Return to Salem's Lot --1987-- *Diverges, almost entirely, from the mood and suspense of Tobe Hooper's Salem's Lot. I don't even see this as being the same Salem's Lot setting as that first tv movie. That one was quirky, to an extent, but this one is really quirky. It's a Larry Cohen style (It Lives & The Stuff) 'American Gothic' fatherhood/son struggle and a secret society / corrupt small town stake to the heart of a movie. Featuring a young Tara Reid as a Lucy Westerena type, an old bitter Jewish man as a nazi hunter turned Van Helsing, and a cultural anthropologist who ironically has to try to destroy one of the oldest fabled civilizations.* I give it between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Blood Wind *A mason jar filled with murderous moonshine mist that puts everyone in a killer rage. Mr.Butterfingers, Swamp Thing, accidentally lets the lid off of it to hilarious results. The craziest, best episode yet.* 3 stars

Farscape: DNA Mad Scientist *On a rock, covered with giant dinosaur bones, floating in a cold corner of space, a grotesque menagerie of lab workers now serve one of their experiments gone wrong. A stilt stepping, kinky outfit wearing, feline-esque Dr. Frankenstein seeks out all the best traits of every living creature, in the known universe, in order to further advance its own twisted evolution.* 3 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: Love and Power *The speculative power of computer systems versus the supreme success of global forces like the Chinese. The desires of self superior people like Ayn Rand versus the so called weak and in need. Also, for some reason, a lot of looking back at Monica Lewinsky on her knees.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Asylum -- "Welcome to Briarcliff" *There are none so blind as those who will not willingly receive electroshock treatment and give morning confessional.* 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: A Tale of Two Dentists *Neglecting needs of his customers and wife leads to Bob losing them both, and both being diddled by a bogus dentist & real looney known by the alias Harry Ramsbottom.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: "The Colour of Alan" *"I am happy. That may vwwewy wewwl be because I'm on morphine."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Episode 5 *A shaken teen girl, from Sin City, is seeing the scarred and strangled spirit, of a San Antonio teen girl, who died around the same age as she is during the paranormal state investigation of the situation.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's 'Kingdom Hospital' season 1 episode 2 *"Inside the skull is another universe. The strangest, scariest haunted house of them all." Or in Lars Von Trier's and Stephen King's cases, a silly sausage factory featuring surgeons with unzipped flys, creepy ice cream man demons, aardvark assassins, and candle light dinners in the morgue.* 3 stars

--- Hanna-Barbera --- Hillbilly Bears: "Modern Inconvenience" *Paw gets mangled by Maw's flirtation with the new-fangled.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Valley of the Man-Apes *To protect the village of the Lollipop Guild, a group of stinky simians must be stopped from reassembling an abandoned movie studio's animatronic King Kong.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's 'Drive-In Theater' presents "The First Power" *Another dime-a-dozen body hopping demonic serial killer thriller. Lou Diamond Phillips' idea of playing a hardboiled detective is to pass an unlit cigarette between his lips and his fingers, constantly, and to wear a heavy, black trenchcoat, during the heat of the day, in downtown Los Angeles. The Richard Ramirez type, "Pentagram Killer," has satanic powers of a super human variety. Also, a lot of side characters' stunt doubles doing unintentionally comedic acrobatics and kicks to the groin.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Women of the Prehistoric Planet *Time paradoxes. Stereotype sneaky "Japs." Toasted thunder-lizard. Rubber snake attack. Tropical set design studio setting. Rodney Dangerfield wannabe comic relief. Death by "plush toy" hopping spider on a wire. A boy, 'all alone,' named Tang. Blue Lagoon romance picnic. Red hiney monkey. Racist astronaut shoots the first minority he sees. Feel good ending where the two minority lovebirds are abandoned, by the spaceship, on a paradise planet, with an extremely active volcano and killer cavemen.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star w/out

Hanna-Barbera -- Jonny Quest: The Curse of Anubis *Hadji's Hindu whack a mole magic, flute serpent charming, and Jonny's motorscooter camel-jockey skills help stop a doomed thief from uniting the Arab world against the West via insinuation involving iconography and superstition.* 3 stars

Sam Raimi's "The Quick and the Dead" *Vengeance is mine, said the Lady to the Lord. A Sharon Stone western shouldn't work, but it does.* 3 stars

Space Rage: Breakout on Prison Planet --1985-- *There aren't any spaceships firing at each other in asteroid storms, though there is a arcade asteroids machine in a bar. This is a space frontier, corrupt penal/mining colony western. There are no laser blasters, only traditional western handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Replacing spaceships are dunebuggies. Replacing an otherworldly planet is the California desert. There's a great, constantly playing, punk-western soundtrack, and Richard Farnsworth, Michael Pare, and John Laughlin are badass as usual.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Sympathy for the Devil *Harmonica playing, mystical gem having, ageless child of evil -who needs to be and deep down wants to be put at rest.* 3 stars

Transformers: Fire in the Sky *Christmas/New-Ice-Age in July, when the Decepticon grinches try to turn the earth's core into a cold day in hell. Luckily for earth and the Autobots, an unfrozen, gigantic robot makes the right decision and sacrifices itself for its love of science and all creatures, including humanity.* 3 stars

South Park: The Magic Bush *"Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take a picture of itself."* 2 1/2 stars

Comic Book Men: Brony Con *Grumpy forty-something comic nerds attempt a Vaudeville two-man horse act at a convention for twenty-something male hipster fans of a little girls' pony cartoon.* 2 stars

Adult Swim ==off-the-air== "Seramthgin" *Nightmarishly surreal art video garbage played, mostly, in reverse.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Going Nuclear *Citizen Z's paddle ball dexterity. Mt. Rushmore defaced. Glow in the dark zombies. Stealth until a zombie alert fart. Radiation sickness. Stopping a nuclear meltdown in the Black Hills. Twirling, Donatello-esque ninja staff that's actually a really long handled hoe. Hazmat suits & ammo. Radio controlled drone robot named Robbie who has a lazer cutter for mowing down zombies. Fueling up on vodka. Fleeing from fallout in a small aircraft and of course crashing. Citizen Z 'checks' zombiepedia (lame joke.) Zombie sign language? Murphy wearing a little girls' pink & cute spikes backpack. Zombie puppy love. What really is mercy?* 3 stars

--- Paul W.S. Anderson's "Soldier" starring Kurt Russell

*Thematically like Stallone's 'First Blood' mixed with Terminator 2 and other outerspace and post-apocalyptic genre movies.

Finger painted in the most broad, obvious, hack ways possible.

Supersoldier has never seen a pretty lady, so he daydreams about the one time he saw her nipples under her shirt.

Supersoldier is suffering ptsd, so he freaks out over Santa at Christmas party.

Supersoldier doesn't know how to deal with kids, so he tries to teach a kid to bash a poisonous snake's brains out.

Supersoldier is feeling sad for the very first time, so we zoom in close up on a tear streaming down his face.

Supersoldiers need to be tested, American Gladiator competition is orchestrated.

Married couple is getting romantic on a planet with limited supplies and garbage everywhere, hundreds of lit candles love scene.

Thin mustached military commander villain's gotcha moment is pissing down his pants leg in fear...*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Stepfather" *There were no real Freddy Kruegers running around in suburbia, in the 80s, but there were actually psychos like this. A Fox News fan type dad is a little too into 50s era family "perfection," and when things don't go his way, he heads down to the basement to beat on his workbench with a hammer, and when he can't take it anymore, he heads upstairs and bangs on the family with the hammer. When he's done there, he catfishes the "perfect" next family.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Cupid's Quiver *When you're skeezy, it's love made easy. The poor, wretched bastard, in this one, oozes, and then drips desperation from his every pore.* 3 stars

ABC's Selfie: A Little Yelp From My Friends *I expected this to be another obnoxious sitcom like Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls, but it's more like Ally McBeal. A real bait and switch. The topic as it has been thrown out there in the media would make one think it would be about a total social media whore with constant references to current social pop culture, but it's really more of a show about a pathetic weirdo and her bizarre, unsocial behavior, and the one genuine person (Harold from Harold & Kumar) who actually cares about helping her cross that bridge back into the real world.* 2 1/2 stars

E! Total Divas: The Double Cross *One diva trades her vibrator for a date with an NFL hunk. Another diva gets jealous when her man's (pro wrestler John Cena) ass is going to be shown in a movie love scene. Also, at a movie premier for a comedy flick, starring the twin divas, the big muscled pro-wrestler puts on a blue monkey suit, and the butt and breast implant diva, along with her man, sit stoned-faced during a supposedly funny scene. Odd and insipid reality show trash.* zero stars

MTV's True Life: I Have A Strange Phobia *One Italian-American young man can't even pee in a public restroom. He has to get in his car, get on the freeway, and drive all the way home and scrub the toilet with cleaner and antibacterial products before the act. (Why not pee outside, in public, behind a dumpster or building or car? It's not really polite behavior, but it would save the trouble of going home and cleaning. And, why not just aim really well when you pee at home or not care if you pee on the seat?) The next, unfortunate, case is about a young woman who is deathly afraid of pigeons. I think there's some other attention issues there, or maybe a bit of deceit going on where the girl just wanted to get on MTV.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -- Murder House -- "Murder House" *As much a love letter to true crime history of Los Angeles as it is a ghost story. And the haunted people and haunts themselves have more personality and poignancy than most ghost stories.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Under the Bed *A child psychologist struggles with a cryptozoology related child abduction.* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: Consumed *Getting the drop on crash test dummies.* 3 stars

Adult Swim --fake infomercials-- "Smart Pipe" *Taking smartphone app use to its inevitable pinnacle by having the waste management of the world's pipes turned into an opportunity to scan shit and then use that information to in turn sale more shit to the masses.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Sheriff-in-Law *Daddy don't come around here anymore, and we're all glad he doesn't.*3 stars

MTV's "Slednecks" episode b (b because the "writers" were lazy) *Bros go Go-Go dancing. 4 wheel drive pickup truck versus airboat in a tug o war match. Drunk skanks pissing in the snow. Feeding buttered toast to the wildlife. Tundra wookies at tha club. You know, typical Alaska stuff. Saddening that this kind of stupidity is going on in one of the last frontiers. I've never more wanted a moose to kill someone since back in the day when Fox would air those 'When Animals Attack' videos.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow -- "Bullseye" *Desert butterflies* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones --Season 3-- Episode 2-- *Lions, piggies, crows, wolves, and a hound.* 3 stars

USA network's --Chrisley Knows Best-- "Jugs and Ammo" *Boob cake for 100 dollars. Boob job for your daughter 30,000 dollars. Protecting your sixteen year old beauty pageant girl's "vag of honor" untold dollars. Making your redneck son-in-law uncomfortable because he thinks that you're a closet homosexual is priceless.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

Animal Planet's --Finding Bigfoot-- "Turtleman's Bigfoot" *for some unknown reason, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and 30 Rock's "Bobo" travel to Kentucky to holler hunt a primate with Jim Varney's nephew Ernie the "Turtle Man."* 2 stars

rifftrax presents The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Adult Swim -- "Too Many Cooks" *Never ending 80s tv theme song intro video parody turned massacre.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Knightly Murders *Balefully back, from the Black Ages, with a big axe to grind.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Temptation *Goliath's former piece-of-tail tries to put him back under her spell.* 3 stars

Stargate --Atlantis-- "Hide and Seek" *You're not yourself when you're hungry, or an energy entity. Eat a Snickers, and be like Doug Flutie.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Babadook" *Illustrating one's insecurities into isolation, insomnia, and insanity.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Saturday Night Special *Yuppy dating schemes and dreams come apart at the seams.* 1 1/2 stars *Springwood beautification project leaves a plain jane feeling numb.* 2 stars

South Park: Freemium isn't Free *Temptation. Addiction. Boring Gaming. Gambling. Micro-Transactions. Trendy drinking. Denial drinking. Pussy advertising. The Prince of Canada. The Canadian Devil.* 2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Loved to Death *More than a minute of seeing man-sized-shaped Mariel Hemingway in lingerie is like an eternity in hell.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In presents "Night Angel" *So bad it's good, succubus-slasher softcore-skinemax-style flick.* 1 1/2 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Courtin' Disaster *Haltin' hatin' the Hoppers, like they's was Hatfields, in hopes of havin' Hottiebear hitched.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics --Season 2-- episode 7 *Meat locker scab wishes he hadn't swept the salt off the floor after he meets the one armed mangler who had the job before.* 2 stars *"Pretty big, probably around 5 foot 9 or 6 foot 2" webcam show babehouse psycho slasher that ruins a horny, dumb guy's first night on the peep job.* 3-stars *Digging a hole, in the desert, for a lazy mobster.* 2 stars *Poltergeist -heather o'rourke- style closet scare* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State season 1 episode 6 *This haunted place is for the dogs...* 3 stars

"Intruders" CBS 1992 *Abductee: I was taken aboard a spaceship, by little grey men, and experimented on. / Psychologist: No, you were molested, in a barn, by your cousin.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Test of Strength" *"Come as you are" as ruined by the folks from GLEE. Strong Man vs. Amazon Lady. You're my dad, dad. Earl (Dell) had to die - Carnival Dixie Chix. Two-Headed blackmail. Dreadful Penny. Penny's dreadful dad. Tattoo nightmare. Dandy not feeling dandy. Surgeon suicide. Blonde ambition makeover.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand *"Eat, drink, and be merry. Tomorrow, you die." Then, it's all fingerwalking on the darkside, you dig?* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

Jonny Quest: Pursuit of the Po-Ho *Lost tribe lunar sacrifice lunacy.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Grotesquery *A case of toxic swamp ass lands ST in a two-bit big top, where it's all soggy tater chips and being caged while being poked with a stick with the rest of the misbegotten misfits.* 2 stars

"The Shuttered Room" 1967 *Hostile Arkham homecoming. Where the isolated islanders hold strong to ignorant superstition, when they're not trying to tear someone to shreds.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Sisters of Mercy *Survivors of a Utah Mormon "sisters wives" style society form a militant lesbian ladies only cult. No "Ah, not the bees!" moment or bearsuit disguise, but similar to Nic Cage's predicament. Story focuses on the two least interesting characters, the crazy redhead chick and her wannabe boyfriend, and not enough Murphy moments, though his getting "pie" scene is hilarious. False advertisement with the unfortunately underused zombie bear. I was hoping that it would maul the Sisters of Mercy.* 2 stars

Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead *A Home Alone orphan vigilante brat and a Grace Jones / Pam Grier -esque kung fu sista join Reggie to fight Return of the Living Dead style zombies with attitude. The actors playing Mike & Jody almost seem out of place in their own series, but Reggie excels in a more Sam Raimi plus Bruce Campbell horror-comedy environment. I think I figured out who the Tall Man is supposed to represent, Sam Walton, the founder of WalMart.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Stalker from the Stars *It twas a simple sinus sniffle twitch kill't the strigoli at that snowy eskimo carnival.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Heavy Metal Queen *ride the lightning and chase the thunder with a prairie oyster.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: The Chimes of Big Ben *There's not enough hours in the day to sail away. So, pick up a required hobby.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Rakers *Taking a stand against mindless television violence with a sport of "refined aggression." Risking everything professionally for a personal bond of obligation with an estranged and wreckless loved one.* 2 1/2 stars

Larry Cohen's "The Ambulance" 1990 starring Eric Roberts *A sinister old school style ambulance stalks the streets of NYC picking up sick people and then not taking them to the hospital but instead to an insane doctor who experiments on them and sells them to shady medical labs. Spooky.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Adult Swim's "Sit Down and Shut Up" --pilot episode-- *animated with the whimsy of nickelodeon or cartoon network kids cartoons but with the right amount of offensive humor for the slacker 3am audience.* 2 stars

SyFy's "Ascension" --preview-- 'Building the World' *Nice to see SyFy actually spending some money on a show's elaborate production.* 3 stars

CMT's "Redneck Island" Dec 2014 -season preview-

with host "Stone Cold" Steve Austin *"I wouldn't even introduce you to my dawg! MY DAWG, YA HEAR!"* 1 star

Hill Street Blues: Presidential Fever *A matter of pride. Two partners struggle with the distance between each other after being shot on duty. An undercover gets 'ruff' with rape suspects. Lady attorney holds her own with police chief lover. Gangleaders precinct meeting to hold a truce during Presidential visit. NYPD Blue's David Caruso as a top-hat wearing Irish gangbanger. Hick cop hassles the wrong barrio & almost goes vigilante to heal a wounded ego.* 3 stars

"Open House" 1987 starring Adrienne Barbeau *John Tesh is trying to reason with a rabid dog when Charles Bronson walks up and shoots it between the ears. Los Angeles, the land of broken dreams. there's only so many options for the down on their luck to vent. one is to call in crazy to the talk radio stations. another is to act like an obnoxious slob. then, there's the nutbags who'd like to find absurdly creative ways to kill the chippy sales people of that broken dream.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye *Slight fever in the Swiss Alps, with cyclops brainball tentacle aliens who like things frigid and hate telepaths.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

X Files: Deep Throat *Aim high, in the Air Force, and be an alien spacecraft test pilot. Side effects may not be worth it. It's 2 the xtreme, says 90s stoner, Seth Green.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Dark Matters *Melodramatic ghost brother space catastrophe* 2 stars

Michael Crichton's "Runaway" 1984 starring Tom Selleck *Jargon, jargon, household robots gone haywire. Jargon, jargon, science dept. mustache cop. Jargon, jargon, spider assassin robots. Jargon, jargon, Gene Simmons techno-terrorist. Jargon, jargon, magic heat-seeking bullets. Jargon, jargon, vertigo-tinged thriller climax.* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Steel and Lace" *Willard's Bruce Davison creates a cyborg out of his sister, Shannon Tweed (Gene Simmons' long-time girlfriend), years after her suicide resulting from a non-conviction for a group of corporate buddies who raped her in an alley. The sexy cyborg seduces then performs gruesome fatalities on the slimeballs.* stars 2 1/2

Freddy's Nightmares: Sister's Keeper *Freddy turns the twin daughters, of the cop who was a thorn in his side in life, against each other.* 2 stars *Freddy is determined to make one of the twins an only child.* 2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "Vampire Circus" 1972 *A morose quarantine livened with a sanguinary shadow puppet sex show.* stars 3

American Horror Story -Asylum- "Tricks and Treats" *Sticky caramel on the mossy banks of a Stygian river.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Brave Alan *"The worth of boast worlds."* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: A Night In *Boring and barren, but better off than the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: The Use and Abuse of Vegetational Concepts *make like a tree and be a leaf / a cog in the machine or don't because it's a false belief.* 3 stars

"Dreamscape" 1984 *David Patrick Kelly is a creepier dream demon than Robert Englund.* 3 stars

South Park: Grounded Vindaloop *The boys try to figure out which one of them is actually stuck in virtual reality limbo. Real world Butters is cutely portrayed.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Hybrid to Hell *"Hawt Rawkin' Santy Claus in a bubble globe."* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Natural Enemy *ST beats science to the punch, when he swats and splats Beelzebub.* 2 stars

--- Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 9

*Party van fails to take police warning and runs into vampire bikers on a desert highway.* 3 stars

*Hysterical hissie over a hybrid dwarf-critter.* 3 stars

*"You ever step on a landmine, before?" nervous and shaken response "Nah, I'm from Cleveland." 2 1/2 stars

*The show's new host, a Baldwin brother, is traumatized when he's not recognized after shedding the disguise of a scary mob boss.*

1 1/2 stars

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Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 7 *A cemetery caretaker stews and his wife claims to suffer after sticking in a hole, and covering with cement, an urn of unclaimed cremated remains that had sat on their shelf for years.* 2 stars

Insidious: Chapter 2 *That's not my husband. That's the spirit of a crossdressing serial killer. Again with the Ed Gein/Norman Bates mommy issues killer and somehow crossed with the crazy killer dad -like the Shining. Also, I could do without the lame antics and shaking camera ghosthunting of the two paranormal hipster nerds. Still, I very much enjoy the eerie astral projection limbo world.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: A Cup of Time *Old age is wasting the youth, when youth aren't wise enough not to drink from its cup.* 2 stars

The Walking Dead: Crossed *Rick Grimes used to be a cop. Emphasis on used to be. Now, he's cold blooded. Come to think of it, then again...* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Halloween" *"find my nest of salt, everything is my fault... choking on the ashes of our enemies..."* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dead Right *It's a given that grotesque Jeffrey Tambor will gore gorgeous gold-digger Demi Moore.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes *"A cockeyed nightmare or a nighteyed cockmare?!"* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Tex Avery's "Jerky Turkey" 1945 *"Don't eat at Joe's"* 2 1/2 stars

"Thankskilling" 2009 *"No more pumpkin pie, no more cranberry sauce, just turkey..."* 1 star

Twin Peaks: Miss Twin Peaks *Which way to the castle? Where there's a key, there's always a lock. Fear and love open the door.* 3 stars

"Dreamchild" 1985 (with Jim Henson creature shop puppetry) *Ian Holm makes a better Jack from the Titanic, for Alice in Wonderland's elderly Alice, than Leo DiCaprio ever could. Also, Peter Gallagher is certainly more charming than Billy Zane. He's more of a sly weasel too.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones -Season 3 -episode 3 *"In the grave, there are no masters."* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Posed for Murder"

with special guest host Elvira *A generic softcore thriller about an adult magazine centerfold being stalked by a psychotic motorcycle glove and every meathead who wants to screw her. It's one of those bad movies where the lyrics of the songs, playing throughout, sync up with the on screen stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Cutting Cards *Compulsive rivals go head to head til the last stump standing.* 2 1/2 stars

"Paradise" 1982 *A very Biblical man, Willie Aames, watches his parents get murdered by bandits, then flees and gets stranded with a beautiful maiden, Phoebe Cates, in a desert/tropical oasis where he sneaks peeks at her sinful nudity, tries to keep a chimpanzee from self pleasuring, destroys dirty medical texts, and tries to keep an Arab jackal from stealing his woman and deflowering her.* 2 stars

Farscape: They've Got A Secret *Space whale calf care is killing the crew, and crossbreeding with the empire's clone troopers is strictly forbidden and must remain emotionally hidden.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Waltz for Venus *Lacking one quality but heightening another's fluidity.* 3 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Stranger than Friction *monkeying around with hospitality can get ya head blown't off* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Murphy's Law *Every ridiculous thing this show tries to do somehow works. Drug addicted zombies, check. Viagra sex zombies, check. Murphy having telepathic control over the infected, check. The most surprisingly effective show of the year. Each new episode is something new. Rarely boring or stagnant in an all too boring and stagnant apocalyptic / zombie / survival horror genre.* 2 1/2 stars

"Walking Tall" 1973 *Landmark hicksploitation with Buford on par with Leatherface in terms of legend. A yarn that satisfies in its visceral exaltation of justice, while still having enough subtext about the road of revenge being a ragged one.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Youth Killer *sucking the life out of the singles scene* 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear presents

"Fright Night" 1980s version -------------------------------

*Necking with your girl while watching late night vampire horror hosted by a faux vampire slayer from such movies.

USA network has the world's hottest show 'Baywatch' five nights a week.

For the girls of paradise call 431 Girl at 2.50$ a minute.

Psychic Talk USA... are you astounded?

La Femme Nikita, Sunday Nights on USA the cure for the common show and the common boner.

Has your neighbor committed homicide? this horror obsessed kid thinks so.

Having a horrific mental breakdown? don't turn to the town Beavis for understanding.

99cent psychic encounters. It sounds dangerous. But damn affordable. 800 Predict. I predict that if you call, you'll be out 99cents.

Rhonda is at her wedding reception, where she's trying out two potential hubbies. One is a morose long haired artsy guy and the other is a big, fat cowboy with his big, fat mama who thinks that Rhonda has child bearing hips enough to produce fifteen younguns

"Someone knows their secret." I Know What You Did Last Summer, now playing in theaters everywhere.

back to the ‘’up all nite’’ movie,

the fearless vampire slayer gets fired from his job and vents on his hatred for 80s slasher monsters like Jason.

Apparently vampires yawn in the evening and are groggy when they take phone calls.

Stephen King's "Thinner" available now at videostores everywhere.

You never thought it possible, the Motorola Wordline Pager with streaming text updates in the palm of your hand in black and grey text. It will never get more advanced than this, says the 90s business professional yuppy.

No rules, no ring, no exit, and not place to hide 'Fighting Force' for the playstation.

The legend is here, the time is now, Chuck Norris is Walker Texas Ranger, weeknights on USA.

I'm all alone pick up the phone, sluts are standing by on another phone sex commercial.

Macho Man says REST IN PEACE and SNAP INTO A Slim Jim, OH YEAH! Halloween Havoc, Dig it!

Peter Vincent is like the Alan Partridge of the occult.

What do you do when a David Bowie type douche wants to do your girlfriend?

Hollywood's hottest stuntmen use bodyheat activated degree deodorant.

USA's Sunday Night Heat with Pacific Blue, Silk Stalkings, and The Big Easy. Turn it on and turn it up.

I miss sleazy USA network programming.

Magic the Gathering, all you need is a brain, a deck, and a friend, and an intact virginity.

Rhonda is a runaway bride when she realizes she doesn't have to be married to shop.*

3 stars

-----------------------------------------

Gargoyles: Deadly Force *"Movies, television, videogames...(sigh) it's hard to tell what's real anymore." A lesson about how our culture ignores the real drama of the consequences of gunplay.* 3 stars

Stargate - Atlantis - "Thirty Eight Minutes" *The perils of dealing with stubborn parasites, wormhole constipations, lifeboat malfunctions, and bruised egos.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" -season 1 -episode 3 *Solid cold oldies* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Conversion *The future's not ours, you see...* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Body Banks *Eternal sunshine of the sober mind that refuses to sell out to corporate swine who think they can harvest the poor & healthy in order to buy more time.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: 'Til Death *Fated to the fetid* 2 stars

Swamp Thing: Treasure *Little Jim has a long lost relative dying on his bathroom floor, a Swamp Thing trapped in his attic unable to sneak away, and an evil blonde beauty who wants to shoot him, or his mom, with a small pistol -if he doesn't cough up the location of stolen money hidden in a junkpile out in the swamp.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Riddle of the Gold *The smite of the tiger.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 10 -------------------

*Cleaning the ham bones out of a creep's croc pond.* 2 1/2 stars

*Maids stumble onto a bloody, and active, crime scene.* 2 stars

*A ladies man looks at the wrong farmer's naked daughter.* 3 stars

*Carny folk forget and leave a horned dwarf troll in the walls of a rental home.* 2 1/2 stars

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Roger Corman presents "Streets" 1990 *For skid row kids, like Christina Applegate's homeless teenage prostitute character, it's a symbiotic game of staying ahead, and also in reach, of their constant pursuers and abusers, but sometimes the bleak circumstances highlighting the literal dead ends make it even more painful if a glimmer of hope happens to also be there.* 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum - "Nor'Easter" *Pontius Pilate wept at the end of E.T.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 8 *Remodeling the home of a early 20th century sawbones stirs spirits.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Blood, Sweat, and Tears *stretching thinly to feel the burn and avoid the fine line of permanent injury in the process of healthy activity and friendly civility* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Never Say Alan Again *pass the Sunny D and STOP TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN THINGS!* 3 stars

X Files: Squeeze *Spooky versus mutie (aka mutant).* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Coda *Rick Grimes drives a hard bargain, but compromises and evasively dangerous behavioral maneuvers, of others involved, put everyone back on the road of loss.* 3 stars

House 3: The Horror Show -1989- *"An electricity of evil." Lance Henriksen is a straight current running parallel to an unsteady moronic shocker.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Mother's Day *You gotta fight or flight for your right to party with Fredddy.* 2 1/2 stars *Weepy Wendy can't get any affectionate attention from her radio shrink mom, a seriously Selfish Sherry.* 2 1/2 stars

Ultimate Scooters: Featuring the Hot Wheels Shocker -2000- *Video time capsule documenting how turn of the 21st century bro-men took to the streets, with tots, riding toy scooters.* 1 star

Popeye the Sailor Man: ----------

*Me Musical Nephews: Runts rockabye a restless Popeye.* headache inducing zero stars

*Spooky Swabs: Ghostly mutiny.* 3 stars

*Patriotic Popeye: Safe n' sane U.S. n' A. holiday or party explosives?* 2 stars

*Ancient Fistory: Disney Princess Cinderfella Queer Eye for the Popeye.* 2 stars

*Taxi-Turvy: Scat cab skidoo.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------

Fleischer Studios presents Betty Boop: -------------------------

*Betty Boop's Crazy Inventions: Spunky sales pitch for quirky products.* 3 stars

*and the Little King: Calamity Betty* 2 1/2 stars

*Pudgy in Ding Dong Doggie: Hot doggy, Betty spank.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grampy in the Candid Candidate: Mayoral mishap calls for thinking cap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Language All My Own: Betty is super kawaii in the land of the rising sun.* 2 stars

*Grampy's Indoor Outing: homemade carnival play on a rainy day.* 2 1/2 stars

*Little Nobody: Stuck up pup and a blue ribbon baywatch doggy strut.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adult Swim --off the air-- "Worship" *vacation bible surreal* 2 stars

Squidbillies 96: How did my worm get in your taco? *Early en Espanol, an all american buttthole.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: The Bathroom Boys *Dragging the viewer into the toilet with the non-humor painful shits & giggles of Tim, Eric, Zach Galifianakis and surprise guest, the beautiful, cleaned, and dolled up Maggie from the Walking Dead.* between zero and 1 star

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Portal into Time *Apple 2 defender of the Alamo. Beastmaster 2 culture shock. Thundarr, Ariel, Ookla are Earth's mightiest Avengers. Volkswagen Beetle dragon. Ookla, a cookie monster. An escalator can never be broken, it can only become stairs, so said Mitch Hedberg. Terminator 2 style skynet tech heist. Finally, a first ever victory at the Alamo.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Politics as Usual *Bribery. blackmail. backstabbing. bargaining courts. boo-hooing. barking like a dog. busted. buttcheeks and butthole search. bathing lovemaking. break up.* 3 stars

Burn, Baby, Burn: Riots and Violence in the Modern World *unabashed ugliness* 1 star

Victor Salva's "The Nature of the Beast" 1995 starring Lance Henriksen & Eric Roberts-- *A serial killer plus a casino riches thief, both on the run, find homogeneity on a lost stretch of desert highway.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 9 *a spirit is shattering and nudging (the babypowder test, "thrilling") wine glasses in a, struggling to survive, sports bar.* 1/2 a star

The Outer Limits: Quality of Mercy *Hogan's Heroes meets Enemy Mine with an M. Night twist.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Jamming with Edward *A self activated spy sattelite is sad & lonely and so is a spunky hacker.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: New Acquaintance *Jim brings home a misunderstood stray, and ST resurrects a rabbit.* 2 1/2 stars

Shaw Brothers: Iron Chain Fighter (aka Assassin) *There are no bonds that chop sockey can't break.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 4 *Climbing and falling. Losing a hand. Handing over a legacy. Protecting the virtue of an innocent. Hungering for insurrection. Dispensing the light of justice. Burning a path for freedom.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: HELLOWE'EEN *The awful uncle seeks offal flesh to slip into back to life.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Three's A Crowd *cuckold anniversary surprise* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Piggy Piggy" *Growing pains. Raw brains. Oinking angst.* 2 1/2 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: "The Monkey in the Machine and the Machine in the Monkey" *We humans are something like a phenomenon or perhaps maybe an automaton.* 3 stars

"Beyond the Black Rainbow" --2010-- *Timothy Leary has gone too far this time.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 11 ---------------

*Family killer in a scarecrow disguise puts a young carpenter in concern.* 2 stars

*Gold chain necklace wearing "Dr. Jeff" doesn't want his "molecules heated up" in a mad scientist's The Fly -esque matter transport experiment.* 2 1/2 stars

*A greaseball is hired to clean up "red wine" stains for a Sopranos sausage and refuses to wear a wire for an undercover sting.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fear Antics: A wannabe actor, in a slasher prank, gets pushed over the edge.* 2 1/2 stars

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Paranormal State: Season 1 -episode 10 *A Native American coyote spirit / chaos critter is an unwanted housepest, for a rural Maine mom & visiting daughter, when its vortex in the backyard is disturbed. So, the team calls in some Native elders to do a ritual at the rocks around a hole on the property, and Christian psychic medium Chip Coffey tells the howling haunt to hit the road.* 2 1/2 stars

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