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alethiometry · 3 years

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Edward Kenway for character asks!

ooooooo okay i should open this with a disclaimer: i have not finished black flag yet (about 2/3 of the way through i think? i need to level up my ship so i can beat the next story mission lol) so everything i'm saying here is based on the game up to thatch's death, and everything we know about edward in ac 3: forsaken and the comics that came out a couple years ago.

First impression

oh boy... to be honest, one of the reasons it took me such a long time to get around to playing black flag (it was one of the first ps4 games i bought when i got my console in 2016, and i didn't start until about a month ago) was because i didn't really feel particularly strongly about edward's character design. i was vaguely interested in That One Pirate Assassin Game after having watched (and loved) black sails, but was afraid i would be let down; to me edward just looked like Some Dude, and i was still hung up on the black sails gang. to me, black sails and its characters were so genre/time period-defining that any other piece of pirate media just seemed lackluster in comparison.

i'd also heard a lot of praise for edward and for ac4 in general so i was aware that it was a very popular and well-received game. but since i mostly heard that from reddit (didn't join tumblr ac fandom until odyssey in 2018) i kind of discounted it, bc gamer reddit tastes are... questionable at best.

Impression now

I LOVE HIM!!! i always think i want stories about virtuous characters who believe in goodness and kindness and aren't motivated by gold or glory but aren't afraid to do what needs to be done to help others who can't help themselves. and sometimes that's true (coughratonhnhake:toncough). other times i end up clowning on myself because i realize that it's so much fun when said good/kind character has a rough and rugged exterior, and is motivated by personal gain (i think edward and kassandra are kinda kindred spirits across time and space in that regard, but maybe that's another rant for another time). sometimes you just want someone to be a little bit of an opportunistic bastard, and boy does edward fit that to a T. he's an incredibly complex man, and i think what really got me was that even as he was impersonating assassins and then templars and then assassins again, all for personal gain (pickpocketing the templars in havana while he gains their trust and agrees to do their dirty work lmfao my beloved <3), his primary motivation for doing so was to prove to caroline and her family that he is someone worth a damn, that he is capable of great things and that he is worthy of their love and acceptance. and i know from ac forsaken that the marriage with caroline doesn't last (though i haven't played ac4 far enough to see if that happens on screen, or if it occurs between the game and the novel) which makes his backstory in the game all the more heartbreaking. but his optimism and perseverance and determination to prove himself are all what make me love him.

so that's edward the romantic. now let's talk about the way edward is with adewale, his crew, and his friends. and let's also put the rest of this behind a readmore bc girl i am RANTINGGGGGG

he has several lines that he says to adewale that make me physically cringe (namely: "many of [these men] wouldn't accept you as captain" or "what was it like being enslaved?" like i get that someone like edward would be asking that question in good faith and genuine curiosity but also JESUS CHRIST UBISOFT). but on the flip side - cringey as those questions are, he also takes the time to actually listen and learn, and i think he genuinely values the perspective that he gets from adewale allowing him to open these lines of trust and communication. there's a patience and mutual respect there that i adore.

i also love how much edward loves his crew and his other pirate friends. those scenes of him + kidd + thatch + adewale + hornigold (lol) drinking on the beach and having a grand old time and talking about establishing - to borrow one of my favorite chills-down-my-spine phrases from black sails - a nation of thieves, for people like them to live and prosper, free from the chokehold of civilization. and i know he's not as outwardly invested in counterculture/independence/anticolonialism as thatch and vane and kidd are, but the fact that he so wholeheartedly supports his friends' goals, lofty and impossible as they are, speaks volumes about his love for his friends.

Favorite moment

every scene he has with kidd when kidd casually and softly reminds him that they see that he is a good person beneath his opportunistic and rambunctious exterior. i especially love when they discover julien du casse's mansion containing orders for templars to go out and hunt down assassins: the way kidd immediately knows that edward wants to help the assassins as a way to make up for the damage he did while masquerading as a templar, even if he hasn't voiced it aloud himself. the way that they don't force edward to admit anything about himself before he is ready, but still constantly remind him that he has a good heart. they give him space to come to terms with his compassionate side in a world/environment that more often than sees compassion as something to be stamped out or cast aside. i don’t love when characters are forced to be the Moral Compass for a main dude character, but i think it works for edward and kidd.

Idea for a story

not an edward story per se, but there are 2 povs into edward's life that i would cut off (someone else's) limbs for:

jenny's pov growing up in the kenway household. from haytham's pov it seems that she knows way more about his past than haytham ever did (it was hinted at that there are rumors about edward’s past as haytham was growing up that he wasn’t privy to, but i don’t think at any point in the novel does haytham ever find out definitively that his father was a pirate) and i want to know how she knew so much, and more into what her life was like - through her eyes rather than haytham, who is like 10 years younger and by his own admission barely understands her and barely has a functional relationship with her. i'll expand further on edward and jenny in the next question/prompt/bullet point, actually, bc i have a LOT more to say.

connor's pov learning about his grandfather from... idk? who's around to tell him? what's so goddamn sad is that by the time connor rebuilds the colonial brotherhood he's kinda the only one left. sure there's aveline down in louisiana, but as far as we know everyone who was around in edward's generation is dead now, and i'm not sure how much of the kenway saga is preserved for connor to discover, or if all this information about their family line was discovered in the modern-day, by your abstergo employee character, and later by osto berg in the comics. which is why i so badly want a revelations-style game where connor traces his assassin heritage back to the caribbean, relives some of edward's memories, and then makes the trip to london to see his aunt jenny. it would have been such a cool way to round out the kenway saga.

Unpopular opinion

idk how popular or unpopular this is bc i rarely see other in-depth posts about it on my dash, but edward was a terrible father to jenny. he was every bit the wonderful and loving father to haytham for the 10 years that haytham had a father, but i wish we'd seen more of jenny's perspective than just a few lines of dialogue in haytham's diary: i hate the way edward sidelined her and raised her in the same manner that any other wealthy person of the time would have raised their daughter - that is, for the sole purpose of sitting pretty and marrying her off in an arrangement that would benefit the family. it's especially hard to reconcile because in ac4 there are female assassins in the americas, and there are female pirates in the caribbean, so it's not like edward isn't aware that women have as much right as any man to live life on their own terms. it just seems like by the time he returns to england and settles down with his family, he's reverted back to the societal norms and gender roles that the pirates fought (and lost) against, and it's hard not to be deeply disappointed by that.

to be clear, i don't begrudge edward settling down and becoming a Rich Society Man. dude deserves to live comfortably with his loving family. he has every right to dote on his wife and children, and leave behind the hardships of being a pirate. but i think "fightning against deeply-ingrained cultural norms/expectations is a long and bloody struggle, and after losing so many people he cared so deeply about, i think it's understandable that edward wouldn't want to continue that fight alone (and also adewale is still fighting the good fight) (do NOT @ me about ac rogue I Pretend I Do Not See It)" and "i don't love the way edward sidelined his daughter into societally-expected gender roles she did not want; it makes me think that he did not continue drinking his Respect Women Juice as much as i thought he did/wanted him to" are two opinions that can coexist.

Favorite relationship

i don't know that i ship edward romantically with anyone, actually. i thought he and caroline were cute in the beginning, but it's hard to want to ship them knowing that she leaves him eventually. and ofc there'd edward/tessa in ac forsaken, and we know they were very happy together and that he loved her so so much. but we don't see that relationship except through haytham's eyes.

as for non-romantic relationships, i already talked at length above about his relationships with adewale and the other pirates and kidd, and i'll just leave it at that. i'm also vaguely aware that edward's got some upcoming scenes with anne bonny, but i'm not at that point in the game yet so i don't have much to say about the two of them. so far i've only seen them say a few lines to each other at the nassau tavern.

Favorite headcanon

kassandra absolutely rubbed shoulders with edward at some point during his time in the caribbean; i like to think that she needed to lie low for some reason (maybe she was with the assassins idk) and joined his crew. i just need my best stabby gal and my second-favorite stabby dude to be pals!

finally, this isn't a headcanon per se but it is obligatory that any time i talk about kenways i yell for a bit about the fact that EDWARD WOULD HAVE LOVED CONNOR SO SO SO MUCH AND I'M FOREVER DEVASTATED THAT HE NEVER GOT TO MEET HIM. at the same time, if edward hadn't been murdered and haytham not been indoctrinated into the templars the way he had, i'm not sure connor would even have existed. and in a way i'm glad that edward wasn't around to see how broken and cynical and depressed haytham became, because i think that would have absolutely broken his heart.

send me a character!

#KEN👏WAY👏BRAIN👏ROT👏#assassin's creed #ac black flag #edward kenway #ask games #reiverreturns #THANK YOU FOR ASKING i hope you expected and wanted this can of worms #finally wrangled that stupid ask box bug - saved this in my drafts and edited it from there #and lo and behold i can type W E and L!

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alovevigilante · 3 years

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(This monologue can be performed with a normal breathing pattern, cause the message is important and should be emphasized accordingly.)

When I was younger I didn’t know from a gay person. I went to a small school, where that wasn’t mentioned. It wasn’t a part of the curriculum in schools in the 80s as it is now. So, when I heard the word, “gay” being used in society it had an entirely different definition from the meaning it takes on today. When I used to use the word “gay” when I was a kid in sentences back in the day to communicate, it was usually to say that something was “uncool”. But that’s grade school for ya. That’s why you’re there when you’re younger, to learn better.

But now at 46, out of school for many years, and after having witnessed, and after getting to know people who define themselves, and identify as “gay” I realize that they are some of the coolest people on this planet. And “gay”, in my new definition, is very very very very (meaning emphasis on very) cool. Cause gay is colorful, all colors, and vibrant. Gay is bright, and fierce. Gay is creative, and brave. And gay is a term to explain certain people’s authenticity; showing themselves to the world honestly, and not afraid to profess and show their love openly.

Being gay is not the issue. The issue is recognizing that all people, no matter who they choose to love, are of LOVE, AND Love is where it’s at! It, in this case, its the feeling of belonging, sharing joy, experiencing happiness. It’s world peace first starting from your internal, individual worldview, and then the world around you. But it starts by leaving the judgement at the door. Because the person that feels the judgement first, is you. And others feel it, if they choose to allow it to affect them. If you don’t like something, and it’s not for you, then don’t do it. We will all be happier by allowing everyone the opportunity to be themselves too, without condemnation, and dipping in others business which isn’t our own. Being responsible for how you feel if we want to stay happy, should be our primary goal. And that’s a big enough job without getting into other people’s lives.

I also forgot to mention, that if you’re at the point in this monologue where you’re not only judging the gays, but you’re judging me for loving and supporting the gays because we’re all human and made of love, please feel free to include yourself in that love. It will help to lift your spirits if you do. Cause when we judge others, we all feel the exclusion. And feeling excluded doesn’t feel good. So please don’t choose a life without love. Choose a more inclusive mindset. Ok? I’ll answer that. Yes it IS ok!

I’m not ok with judgements or hate, cause it hurts the whole of us as a human race. Cause we are all fundamentally the same. Take biology 101 for example. Like the late astronomer, planetary scientist, cosmologist, astrophysicist, astrobiologist, author, and science communicator, Carl Sagan used to say, “we are all made of star stuff.” But the point is, the SAME stuff! Water, skin, muscle, bone and organs… But listen, all science aside, we all have a fundamental need to feel loved, and to belong, no matter how much we fight it sometimes.

Internalizing love, and acting on that inspiration toward all people is needed to change the world in a positive way. And I’M DOWN wIth THAT!!!!!

(Please emphasize the word, “THAT”... say it fast in one syllable, and also, that’s why the “with” in the last sentence, is tiny...)

Let me repeat, I AM DOWN, MEANING in FULL SUPPORT of, the LOVE, and of the GAY NATION because gay people are a part of the whole of who we are as a human race! And no matter how hard one may try, no person is excluded from that. So make it a loving experience.

(Ok, back to a more neutral energy, and for me, that’s not saying much)

So, fellow humans, I’m now also coming out of the closet, to say, that I am extremely JEALOUS in a great way of the gays! (Including the lesbians, cause they’re also under that umbrella term) Because I think they’re AWESOME, and I support them 100%, and I strive to be as cool as they are!!!! Ok?!?! Yeah! It is!!!! So there!!!!! And also, because I love them dearly... 🙈🤷‍♀️💕☺️🥰

*For those of you who read all the way through to judge and rip on my writing, you clearly have missed the point entirely. I chose being gay as a group to use as an example in this case, but sub in any race, and creed, and gender or any group that has been discriminated against at one time or another throughout the history of humanity, and you can get the same result. (Although they are a part of the whole of humanity, hate groups are excluded in this case because, because A. They have excluded themselves with their fear-based, loveless choice of behavior by treating all people as the enemy, and also because some people refuse to sway from their hardened beliefs and B. I’m focusing solely on groups that embrace a loving energy, and don’t wish to harm others.) We are all human. We have all experienced things that have alienated us, and make us feel excluded, no matter how accepted we seem to be outwardly. And we miss out on a lot of wonderful people by excluding them due to our own judgements.

My point of all this writing? To unite people, in human emotions, by my deliberate choice of energy. My message is clear, if you choose to be open enough to glean it. But for those who aren’t, here’s the deal: yes, I am fully aware that my writing isn’t normal. The tactics I use, are unorthodox because it’s a way to get everyone reading on the same side. I’m over separation.

I experiment to try to figure out ways to eradicate the loveless energy. I guess I’m starting to realize that I can’t do it alone. So, some say “choose love”. “Love matters” “Inclusion matters” and it does. But unless we make a conscious effort to change the way we approach our societal norms i.e. comedy, music, entertainment in general, commercialism, big business, government, how we treat one another in our daily lives, and the treatment we accept from others and ourselves, nothing will. The sooner we can internalize that, the better. I guess that’s why I feel that starting with changing myself is the best way to it. You see, I mention all of those things, because they have the biggest platform to influence people. They also have the ability to persuade. If that isn’t utilized for a positive result for all people, we get what we essentially have now; an uneven exchange. And life isn’t fair? That shit, is old school mentality. Life can be anything we want it to be. And that’s the truth. We just have to decide to adjust it.

It’s not easy for me to fully accept myself for some reason. I’m having great difficulty sometimes maintaining a loving outlook. When I judge myself like this. I feel like there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. But there isn’t. We all feel this way from time to time. What I think about me, is what I need to focus on. Because what I feel about everything, comes from that very place. I act according to how I feel. Point blank. When I’m not consciously trying to think differently, cause I’ve been conditioned by myself to think in a fearful way, I also get just as wrapped up in the upset of the outside world as everyone else does, and I feel that life is insurmountable, and that nothing can change from how I’m seeing it at that moment in time. It takes a change in my thinking, my perception, the union of me now, not me from the past focusing on what was and how I didn’t enjoy the experience. It will take the union of me changing my mind about what I observe to make the change. I can’t hold onto the past hurts, and expect a positive change in result of my now or my future. All I can do, is redefine my past, and lose the loveless energy. That will be enough to keep me busy for quite some time.

That’s why I write. I write to cheer myself up. I write to amuse myself. I write to clear out the cobwebs of my past I have in my head, and try to accept where I am now. I write to move myself forward in a peaceful and loving existence. I write to feel better, period. Doesn’t always work. Sometimes I find that being a loving person isn’t the easiest choice, especially when you’re living in your head in past hurts. So, all of this experimentation i do with my own energy is a process that I’m willing to share with whom ever, whatever the consensus may be. My love for me and the love I have for all people is growing, and with it so is my recognition of the dissonance that is us as a human race. That is also being highlighted intensely.

I guess my point is, I understand fully that the change can’t come from just one person to affect the whole. Well, essentially it could, but it’s unlikely due to our vast majority of differences. But, if I change and affect the people in my life positively, that chain reaction could be like a pandemic of love, instead of disease. We can all affect one another, and be infected, by the love virus. Let’s choose to laugh together more often, let’s be together in love as we feel comfortable doing so, let’s stop all the things that aren’t loving to ourselves and others. Let’s decide both individually and together. Let’s choose to “be the change we want to see in the world.” (mahatma gandhi.) And let’s “be the ones to make it different.” (Me, Kari Keillor)

(Please sub the energy of pandemic and fear for the energy of love traveling the world and affecting it positively.)

“so it goes.” -Kurt Vonnegut.

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setabane · 4 years

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THE QUEER YOUTH OF BOTSWANA AND THEIR SUBVERSION OF HETERONORMATIVE SOCIETAL CULTURE

Words: Cassim Cassim

Over the past decades, queer people had to bridge themselves to the real world by elevating themselves to be seen. Steadily, what once was unprecedented becomes the new norm, the introduction and awareness of sexualities, gender, pronouns and everything in between becomes the new norm, and with the help of GenZ, centennials in Botswana become advocates and instigators for what needs to be, and subvert what is imbedded in the minds of Batswana. SETABANE had the privilege to interview 8 centennials that are challenging Botswana’s society and taking it by storm.

As an Editor, it brings immense satisfaction and jubilation to realize that behind the old generation follows a generation that will carry a legacy that will have every entity equal and seen. The decision to publish this campaign comes after the chain of discern that GenZ carries most of the societal standards and culture Botswana obeys. These are the people who will lead this country into equality and queer pride.

Thebe 17, he/him, queer How do you contribute towards dismantling traditions and views against being queer in Botswana?

In Botswana, I honestly feel we have a huge problem with following what had been the norm for ages and I believe that I put great interest into expressing myself regardless of my gender, background etc. I normally present this through the art of acting, it’s my greatest passion.

Tell me your views on fem-phobia within the queer community in Botswana?

It’s a tragedy that even within our own community we bring down our own, I feel that it’s a thing of retrospecting what we have and can achieve as a community united rather than discriminating against each other. It could take us very far.

What do you think about Botswana’s gay culture?

I still think that we’re growing but what we have is beautiful and will surely blossom into something more beautiful, we’re very unique and i can’t wait till everyone in Botswana can see who exactly we are.

Leilani 16, she/her, bisexual

How is it navigating yourself as a young bisexual woman?

As a young bisexual women navigating myself as an individual is difficult because I have been told that i am confused because society is fixed on life only being one way, which therefore puts me in a situation whereby i think i’m confused or “going through a phase”. Being Bisexual has taught me to enjoy the best of both worlds and taught me to balance two different worlds.

What are your thoughts on the fetishization of bisexuality in women?

It needs to stop because being bisexual should not make you think we are your objects and you can toy around with us. The way media portrays bisexual women as confused or that we are not taken seriously but being bisexual is real and we are not toys. One thing that I personally think people lack education about Bisexuality.

What do you think Botswana’s youth has in common?

Botswana’s youth has somewhat a sense of acceptance to an extent and are free to do whatever makes them feel happy and not caring what so and so has to say.

What is your advice for a young Queer Motswana reading this? My advice to young/old queer Motswana is take your time when finding your sexuality, don’t be afraid to experiment but at the same time don’t use us as objects. If you are afraid, there is a whole community of people who have their arms open to support you and take your time.

Peaches 18, she/her, pansexual

How has your sexuality affected your way of living?

I have tried to come out to my parents before but it did not go well. My parents were considering kicking me out of the house because they wanted a "normal daughter". I had to tell them I was lying in order to keep a roof over my head. I can only be myself when I'm at school, because there, no one really cares what you do. But with my family, I have to hide who I am.

What are some of the glories and hardships being a Queer woman in Botswana?

I have not had a lot of glories but one I can mention is finally figuring out who I am, where I'm from, and where I'm headed, and coming to terms with it. Accepting myself. I feel this is the most important step, loving yourself. No one is gonna do it for you so do what makes you happy. The hardest thing for me to do was to hide my sexuality from my family. It's very scary to fear what other people think and then also have to deal with judgements from your own family. It hurts how I have to smile like I'm okay even when I'm not. For some reason, queers think they need the validation and acceptance of society in order to live freely but the truth is we don't. We submit ourselves to opinions of people we do not even need. Why? Do you think Botswana will be a battleground or a safe haven for queer people in the future? I personally think Botswana will forever be a battleground for queer people. I say this because we hate against each other within the queer community, so why would we expect outsiders to accept us if we can't do the same with each other? Also, we are forever told how "wrong" or "lost" we are for being who we are. Everyone will always be entitled to their opinion, it's either you listen to it and be miserable or just don't care and do you. Be You Do You For You

Son 17, they/them, polysexual

How does being queer and in love feel in Botswana

On one hand it can feel a bit scary as Botswana is still a bit behind on the progression towards accepting queer folk. We can never be sure that the people around us will be natural and calm rather than be queer-phobic and violent. it doesn’t always feel safe to physically express this love in public. However, when we are in a safe space, expressing our love for each-other comes easily.

What are your experiences living outside of the Binary?

Honestly, hardly any different from when I thought I did fit into the binary. I do not feel any connection to the binary in regards to my gender identity, and never have, so putting a label on what I feel didn't really change much aside from allowing myself to achieve deeper self understanding. The way the people around me perceived me barely changed either. I'm used to people making assumptions about my gender identity based on my gender presentation, and while I'm glad I haven't encountered any blatant transphobes, people’s assumptions do sometimes make me feel uncomfortable.

Who are some of your inspirations and role models?

BTS, artists who are unafraid to talk about social issues, equality, injustice and self love, Amandla Stenberg, who played a huge role in the discovery of my gender identity, and a poet I came across recently who goes by the pen name tireless_hope, whose work i’m simply in love with. They’re all young artists who have achieved so much but still show so much humanness within them. They don't try to appeal to what people expect of them but rather what they want for themselves, and consuming these people’s art always fills me with a zeal for life

What do you think about the erasure of non-binary people?

In a way it hurts, to exist in a society that treats us like we are invisible and refuses to let us voice out on matters regarding our identities and trans identities in general because we are supposedly non-existent. It’s upsetting that identities that have always been around are getting passed off as “strange”, “new” and even “non-existent” by cis-het people, and even some LGBTQ+ folk. It’s especially upsetting to me when POC take part in non-binary erasure because it is based heavily in eurocentrism and only benefits the oppressor. Hopefully with the spread of knowledge people will open their minds and educate themselves to prevent this from happening.

Bynx 17, he/they, panromantic grey-asexual

What are your thoughts on the gender binary?

Personally, I think a strict gender binary isn't really necessary. I can understand when people say it's needed in terms of the medical field - but again, that's not much help when women constantly go without getting adequate medical treatment because of gender discrimination but that's a whole other can of worms to open. i feel like a lot of people forget the gender binary was only really brought on after colonialism. there's a lot of sources that confirm that many African tribes as well as Native American ones believed in other-gender and two-spirit people, and its sad to see when people from these cultures talk about going back to their roots or preserving culture yet they want to erase the existence of queer people. even when people hear things being said like 'gender is a social construct', they think we're just trying to push an agenda - but do they really understand what a social construct is? not too long ago, i saw this post from Tumblr user biggest-gaudiest-patronuses where they talked about how a social construct really just means it's something that the big people in charge can move around and change to suit their own preferences and beliefs and ignore the communities that these constructs are actively causing problems for. people are just scared of change when it comes to things like this, they see it as a threat to their comfort but with our change and without moving out of your comfort zone, how will you ever achieve growth? People who live outside the binary just want to be their authentic selves and be accepted and people shouldn't be threatened by that.

What is your experience being a trans-masc person in Botswana?

So far I haven't really encountered any problems bringing a trans-masc person in Botswana and I think that's mostly related to how accepting the people immediately closest to me are as well as how comfortable I am in my own identity. i get misgendered quite frequently but being misgendered by strangers doesn't bother me at all because i know how they perceive me doesn't matter because they don't know me. i notice when people close to me misgender me but it's not something that'll bother me because i know it's still a learning process for them and they're always considerate enough to correct themselves afterwards, it's also not something that bothers me because i know that they're aware of my identity and they'll respect it. it can become a bit of a tough spot when it comes to people that im not close to but acquainted with because i don't really care much for their personal opinions since they aren't closely related to my life but it still flares up some gender dysphoria when they continue to use my deadname or refer to me as she/her - which is usually pronouns im only really comfortable with close people calling me by - and i guess it bothers me because they're aware of who i am and they've directly asked people close to me about my name and such yet they continue to misgender me and i feel really disrespected by it. i'm not very concerned with passing since i already know who i am but sometimes the fear of being outed does worry me in terms of my actual physical safety because i know there's people who react violently to trans people - on the opposite side of the coin, there are days i do wish i was passing and it's usually when im out in public and it's just my partner and i and we have to take things like public transport because my biggest fear is always putting my partner in danger because there's usually no avoiding being perceived as an lgbtqia+ couple which can end up putting a target on us. i will admit though that i wish Botswana did allow medical transitioning here because then it'd make a lot of things accessible to many trans people in the country as they wouldn't have to go elsewhere for hrt and surgery - like currently i have to save upward of P100 000 just for top surgery alone without including travel costs, hrt and doctor appointments fees which is a major obstacle for not only me but other people who don't have the type of income to support that either.

Who are some of the queer trans artists you look up to?

i'll be honest, i don't really know a lot of queer/trans artists since i don't consume a lot of big media 💀 i might know and admire some but since i don't really consume a lot of their content, i can't really confidently say im a huge fan. though there are very few that i do look up to they're mostly YouTubers since that's where i spend a lot of my time. in terms of queer actors though, id say Sir Ian McKellen is probably my biggest inspiration not only because of the big roles he's played while being an openly gay man but also because of the actions he's taken to support the queer and theater communities (theater being something else that im very passionate about). with trans YouTubers; Jammidodger(transguy), Ash Hardell(trans-enby) and Samantha Lux(transgirl) have been a huge help in my personal journey in finding out more about my identity and myself as well as just being really fun YouTubers to watch. i really liked hearing out their experiences as trans/enby people and seeing the advice they had to give to other people in terms of not only surgery and hrt but with things like dressing and tips on coming out. i hope to share my experience and help other genderqueer people out the same way they did for me. one more person i look up to is someone id be bold enough to call my friend. they're an lgbtqia+ and trans rights activist in Botswana and they usually go my Phio or Blu for the time period ive known them and they've probably been one of the biggest helps in my personal journey. they were the first trans/genderqueer person id ever met back when i first started questioning my identity and i talked a lot with them about how i was feeling and trying to get comfortable with myself and they've always been there to listen, even helping me out with getting my first chest binder and they even give me tips about buying guys clothes and offering help for recommended places to go when i start transitioning. i even remember a time when they were a guest speaker on one of our local radio stations and while i couldn't tune in because i had drama practice, i remember being so excited because i felt that finally the voices of queer people were getting more recognized. I’m really glad that i have the opportunity to know them and talk to them and all the support they've extended to me is something i hope to be able to give to other queer youth that will flower after me.

Do you think Botswana is going to be led by pioneers such as yourself soon into a better future soon?

i'm not too well-versed on things like current affairs so i won't say much on this but a lot of change and acceptance has to happen in terms of the older generation and things like following tradition but i do believe that we might see a lot of change in the future. while it might take us a while to get to the point of queer people being elected into government positions, i believe our voices are starting to be heard. Just because decriminalization has happened doesn't mean it's time for us to relax, it's time for us to push for more change, we'll make strides together as a community.

What is your advice for a young queer Motswana reading this?

honestly guys, don't rush yourselves. take things one step at a time. it's okay to not know your identity, it's okay for it to change, it's okay to question who you are. even if you don't manage to figure out what your identity is, it's still okay. just love whoever you want to love and love how you want to live. as long as it's not hurting you or others, it's all valid. keep your chin up. I know it can be tough. but believe me, there's always gonna be people out there that love you for who you are and that's all that really matters.

Wapula 17, she/they, pansexual

Do you think Batswana are more inclusive of pansexuality?

I guess people aren’t as educated about pansexuality as much, there are so many misconceptions about being pansexual.

“Do pansexuals feel sexually attracted to animals”

“Are pansexuals normally in polygamous marriages” & so much more, I guess these questions come from the fact that as a pansexual we’re more attracted to the person, not their gender or sexuality, so people would instantly think we prefer to be in polygamous marriages, you know?

How do you navigate your life as a pansexual person in Botswana?

It’s extremely rare to find a pansexual in Botswana, so I wound by say it’s a lifestyle you know, I’ve always been one person that’s open about my sexuality & I’ve never felt the need to “come out”, of course there’s a lot of homophobia but it doesn’t affect me as much as it affects other queer individuals & that’s simply because I’ve just always been open about it you know?

Do you believe in gender?

I just think gender is a mindset, the thought of having to separate humanity based on our biological features is just stupid to me, the creation of “gender” is what leads to so many problems that we face as humanity today... being sexism & GBV & so many issues. People confuse gender & sexuality. Sexuality is broad, gender is just a mindset that is used to separate us based on our biological features.

Loago 16, she/her, demisexual

When did you first embrace the concept of demisexuality? And is it inclusive to anyone?

I first embraced the concept of demisexuality after seeing my best friends being able to grow out of their shell and be comfortable with their true self, with no fear of being judged. It was an inspiring thing for me because I don’t talk about my sexuality as much and I’ve received comments from straight guys that my sexuality is simply me trying to fit in with the crowd...most people confuse demisexuality for being bisexual but there’s a difference...I only see someone and I mean in the spiritual and emotional sense if i have an emotional connection with them, I don’t find people attractive unless i get a glimpse of their inner self and i connect with them on that level. I also do feel that maybe the trauma I’ve experienced has influenced this because it made me realize the importance of knowing and seeing someone behind all the masks they portray to the outside world and connecting with them spiritually when pursuing a relationship with them...

What do you think about the love scenes in Botswana’s youth scene?

I think majority of youth is lost when it comes to the perception of love I also blame tradition because the sad truth is that most of us come from dysfunctional or rather ‘special’ families and this is where we see a lot of abuse be it coming from the man or woman and especially in this country we have normalized this vicious cycle of ‘special’ families and it’s contributed to how a lot of us perceive love, we tell ourselves that in order for us to believe that we are loved or we love someone we must’ve put them through something or they must’ve put us through something because the impression most of us have , having seen our parents or relatives do this... and unfortunately unlike now in today’s world back in the day it was some what a taboo to end your marriage or ‘break’ your family that you’ve built with someone and hence why most marriages even despite the abuse still exist. I believe this is what influences the youth love scenes in Botswana, to undo this I believe we need to stop we need to stop cheating I love marriage sexuality as a taboo in this country, parents need to start having conversations with their children to help them understand what genuine love is and that love between heterosexual people and queer people is no different and we are all deserving of genuine love.

Kago 19, he/they, bisexual

What’s one thing your generation has in common?

I really believe my generation right now is a very liberated one and connected one. We really are about community and uplifting each other. We are together in these safe spaces, uplifting each other and respecting each other for who we really are uno.

Do you attach your sexuality to what you love doing?

Not actively, but when I get to working I'd like to think I work out of a unique place where my identity comes out as a product of that. So my sexuality does subconsciously become a part of my work.

How do you feel about bi-erasure and pan-erasure in men?

It's a frustrating struggle to be continuously fighting. Especially when the erasure comes from within the LGBTQ+ community. You start to ask yourself where you can feel safe if not in your own community uno.

Do you think you fully express your sexuality to others?

Fully? Not yet. Well probably not actively, but I know surely you must know my sexuality after a few conversations with me. It's a part of me that can not escape me so it is at the front line of my social interactions.

What contributed to helping you understand your sexuality?

Growing up around very open-minded people. This gave me the freedom to, once i started realizing i was bisexual, be comfortable to ask questions about it and be as curious as i needed until i realized that hell yeah i am bisexual uno.

Credits:

Editor: @cxsside

Art Director: @cxsside & @bbypumpkiiiin_

Models : @thebes.world @[email protected] @[email protected]@wapsworldwide @archhangel

Stylists + Wardrobe:@archhangel @_glotto @unearthlygofaone @bluuu.rraine_

Photographers:@vandeaarde @vandeaarde.gallery@wenz_hd

#BotswanaQueerYouth

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crescentrolesnotgenderrolls · 6 years

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I’m currently taking a class called Gender Roles & Culture, and recently we’ve been talking about the fact that we view everything with a Western eye, and the ways that we expect people to conform to those Westernized views. Yesterday we watched this video, and I’ve been thinking about it non-stop since. This song is obviously super progressive (if that’s even the right word for this, it’s kinda more than that) on the outside, but the lyrics themselves are also incredibly intricate. What importance can easily be missed on a surface-level listen has made me gasp while reading the lyrics closer.

First of all, there’s this sense of irony in the lyrics that I would have missed without seeing them written down. The song mainly takes from the word “barbarian,” which we often use to describe (and dehumanize) people from the Middle East… or really anyone who doesn’t live up to our oh so perfect Western societies. Not only is this a way of reclaiming the word, along with the word “savage,” but the lyrics really suggest that we are the uncivilized ones. Mona Haydar begins the song with the lyrics “If they’re civilized, I’d rather stay savage,” and then later in the song says “Barbarian? That’s how you really feel? Like you didn’t start a war over oil fields? Opium, poppy seed…” and continues to bring up issues with our society, which I will bring up later. This is where the irony lays, in the fact that she is claiming the word “barbarian” for herself, when in reality she is stating that we are the barbaric uncivilized ones. As white Americans specifically, we seem to love to believe that we are the highest ability of everything, that all other countries should be living up to us.

Mona shares that while we expect everywhere else to catch up to us, we’re the ones playing catch up when it comes to our beauty standards. She makes this clear in two seperate parts of her song, in “On these big lips, oh they used to hate, now the script flipped, they got a lip kit, Kylie J” and then in “Tried to make me hate me for my hips and nose, now they got imposters on a spread in Vogue.” And I mean… she’s not wrong. We’ve always attacked non-white woman specifically for having big lips or a curvy figure, and now we’re constantly pushing body modifications on people without them to achieve our new and improved societal ideal.

On the “they got a lip kit, Kylie J” line, I have extra things to say about that topic in general. I personally believe that there is nothing wrong with making body modifications, if it’s truly something you are self-conscious about, or something you believe will make you happier. However, you shouldn’t feel the need to make those body modifications to be confident or happy. I understand that many people do, but it is so upsetting that society makes us hate our bodies so much that we feel like there’s nothing to do but change it. That’s something that really needs to change.

In class we also read and talked about “Feminist Theory, Embodiment, and the Docile Agent” by Saba Mahmood. She wrote about and we talked about whether or not modesty and shyness can be feminist. I think that no matter what it is, if you do what you want to do for you, it is feminist. Society wants to control us. We also discussed how we value choice and freedom, but if a woman chooses to do something like wear a hijab or be a stay at home mother, we attack them for reinforcing the patriarchy. While we were talking about these things, I realized that society strangely controls… literally everything. Even the things we try to do just for ourselves, we’re doing them because we’ve been trained that we should. For example, let’s say that wearing boots is something girls shouldn’t do in our society. If I wear my boots anyway, that’s rebelling against societal norms, right? But I wear them because I think they look good, which is something society taught me to do. If I wore my boots purely to keep my feet warm in the snow, that’s a different story. But every time we wear something because we like how it looks, even if it’s against a specific role or stereotype, we are still conforming to a different societal standard: looking good.

This strayed a little bit from my original topic, but my brain is full of problems with our society. Definitely watch her video and listen to the lyrics carefully. That’s all I have to say at the moment :)

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spotlightsaga · 7 years

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Ru Paul’s Drag Race (S09E03) Draggily Ever After Airdate: April 7, 2017 @vh1 @wowreport Ratings: 0.673 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 4.5/10

**********SPOILERS BELOW*********

Finally! An episode we can all sink our teeth into. No, this isn’t a ‘Drag Race’ best… But we’re finally starting to see who has that special something to make it to the latter half of this competition and who doesn’t. Slowly but surely the stakes are raising and the stars are rising to the top. 'Draggily Ever After’ as an episode and as an overall challenge knows exactly where it is in the competition. There are still weak ones and performers that aren’t fully realized as full on Drag Queens left in the competition, so the challenge is basic… But it demands the Queens to realize a concept and reach into their bag of tricks and show us their artistic side by having the contestants create Princess characters that are accompanied by an original sidekick and threaded together by a short storyline.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, but it looks like, for the most part, that Eureka, Nina Bo'Nina Brown, Sasha Velour, Trinity Taylor and Valentina are all front runners for their own reasons. Shea Couleé could be a dark horse in the competition… And the judges seem to be pulling Peppermint in to praise her for something outside of this competition, as if Peppermint has established herself and put in work and therefore automatically deserves a little bit of spotlight and praise. I get it and I don’t get it. I just know I’m not looking at a winner. Charlie Hides does runway well, but the total package isn’t strong with this one. For some reason I can’t ever remember who Alexis Michelle is, was, or anything about her. It’s true I take a Xanax or two, but I’m going to need this girl to shine and soon. Maybe she just hasn’t had the met the right challenge yet? If someone or something doesn’t make an impression on me I can literally turn around, walk two steps, and completely forget they exist. What were we talking about again?

I hate that Drag Race is on Friday’s now. The weekend is not when I do my best writing as I’m always tired, running around, bartending or serving for extra money or trying to get an extra piece or two worked on for a printed publication or wherever I can fit in. Last week in my review on RPDR, I fumbled some words about the show of which Lisa Kudrow was quoting, it didn’t change the fact that she was one the show for 20 seconds to just say lines from one show that she did. They did say 'The Comeback’ in the show, and unfortunately I’m unable to post edit something I post on TVShowTime and I apologize for the mistake and it was corrected outside of this platform, but understand that I really try to come from a good place… And no, the show she was quoting didn’t change how I felt about the segment. Please don’t tell me to 'calm down’ or 'relax’, I am writer at heart and whether I’m making money or not, I love this community, you see what I write first, and it’s you who really get to see the true me, sans about 5 people in this world who I know are the definition of a 'real friend’, and only one of them lives here in South Florida. I am exhausted right now, I’ve been up since 5am yesterday morning working and I really hope that I can convey this next topic with the compassion and sincerity that I normally am able to convey with ease (just not Friday-Sunday).

As a Floridian, who had friends and co-workers in Orlando during the Pulse Massacre, this is a very difficult place for me to revisit, even with the amount of time we’ve all had to process what happened. I’ve been in a gay relationship for over 11 years now. I’m a natural born hustler in many aspects, I’ve always had multiple jobs, multiple passion projects, and for a good 3-4 years I was a 'Male Dancer’ in one of the most notorious Gay Strip Clubs in Ft Lauderdale, FL. I’ve always been on the outside of the gay scene, I never felt like I belonged, and that’s because I don’t, and that’s ok. During my time working there, I made a lot of friends that I never thought I would make. My intention was to go in, get money, and get the fuck out. I thought I had nothing in common with a lot of these people and hung with the other 'straight’ dancers at the club at first. I quickly found myself bored with those 'straight’ co-workers (no offense, trust me they were vapid and always overcompensating for something they lacked beyond physical beauty) and suddenly found myself very much amused at the more quirky, flamboyant boys who came to play. They were all hot messes, yes, but in a 'Party Monster’ type of way, you know… Before the whole murder…errr… Manslaughter twist ending.

There’s always been a huge part of me that has been terrified to seem anything less than masculine, even though my personality is very much 'over-the-top’, I’m haunted with the memories of my parents scolding and shaming me for a brief moment of 'sounding gay’ or displaying a trait that they found too telling. Suddenly I was worlds away from that feeling and those people (who I do love and know did have good intentions, just an ignorant approach) and I was meeting some of the most impactful and beautiful people who were very proudly 'gay’, something I had always equated with 'exploiting for money’ or 'shameful’. These over-the-top Latin and Black young men took a stubborn, scared strawberry blonde boy who was allowing myself to be the “token 'soulless ginger’ with a thick ass and athletic legs” and helped me shed the fear of just letting go and being 100% me. They really showed me how to live my life to the fullest in a way I didn’t know was possible. That chapter in my life is very much over now. You won’t my find me in gay clubs anymore, and my other safe haven, the rave scene, is long dead (since 2003/2004), and now I may attend a music festival once or twice a year if my schedule permits it… But I wouldn’t trade my experience with those incredibly amazing human beings for anything in the world and I try to take what they taught me with me everywhere I go and apply it to anything and everything. One of those people I lost to suicide, and no there was no 13-tapes to listen to afterwards, because suicide is an ugly spurt of the moment thing.

Not everyone is right for the strip club, it takes a special kind of damaged mess to navigate that world… But there were several young, unbelievably strong young men who showed me something beyond that for a few years… And I’m incredibly blessed to have a partner who knew I needed that experience and allowed me to do whatever I wanted, never wanting to impede on my personal growth, but still always put up somewhat of a fight… For good measure.

That 'safe place’ that Cynthia Fontaine talked about, I know that place, and the thought of a single man barging in one of those places with an AK where people are able to discover a different meaning and break the general mold of what is or isn’t 'the social and societal norm’ and gunning down as many people as possible rips my inner core into a million pieces. The night that it happened, I called my friends and coworkers in Orlando, over and over and over, wondering if they were alive… Wondering how something like this could happen.

Growing up with the bravery to admit that sexuality and gender isn’t as 'paint by numbers’ as everyone wants it so desperately to be is difficult, especially when you are a leader and you bear that cross during difficult times like middle and high school. Once you make it out of high school, it does in fact 'get better’, but now we have to face something like this… In a place that’s supposed to be designed to celebrate our freedom, a place that allows a select few a unique chance to come of age for a second time around… But instead that 'safe place’ was used as a hunting ground. People were lined up and shot one by one, bullets and blood, tears and pain staining the air with a stench of terror and death as good people who had amazing hearts and the ability to heal and teach and love and change people’s lives for the better… It’s impossible to truly make sense of… And something a fucking hashtag on social media will only stain further.

What we heard between Trinity and Cynthia was a real conversation about the direct effect it had on two people’s lives… Two people that were technically removed from the nightmare, but still very much a part of it in a very real way. It’s something we will never escape as human beings, as sexually free human beings and it’s fucking terrifying. Sasha urged everyone not to be scared to go out and live your life, and I don’t have the answers or the ability to even offer up a solution because I don’t ducking know why there are people in this world who want something like this to happen. I’m glad that I was able to experience the rave scene pre-9/11/2001 and the Florida Gay Nightlife pre-6/12/2016. I hate that people are scared to go out now, scared that someone could shoot up a nightclub, or drive a truck into a fair, or set off a bomb, or snipe people at a concert, but I don’t blame them… Fuck I’m scared to just ride the metrorail or congregate in a large crowd.

And on that note, I’m going to move back to the competition. I didn’t expect this very real, very fresh moment at the time to be captured on camera and shot straight forward, without the usual tongue-in-cheek editing the show is known for. They just really served up a raw recount of how these acts of terror, particularly this one on the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community affects us all, even if we weren’t inside that building holding a strangers hand, hoping to see tomorrow. Let’s move on… Because we have to… Because the world will keep moving even if we don’t…

The lip sync? Aja might paint like a clown, but it was clear there is something genuine inside of him… A fire that does burn for a win. She gave us a fun, energetic lip sync, especially compared to her direct competition, that screamed 'Give me another shot!’ Unfortunately that look, that concept, and that sidekick he created was indeed a pun that neither Ru, nor any of the judges, nor I can resist to crack… A PRINCESS DISASTAH!!! Aja is young and anti-glossy, the latter of which her Brooklyn Drag Sister used to her advantage in S8. Thorgy Thor gave us a purposeful unpolished polish and we ate it up. Aja just isn’t there yet, but I want her to be. It’s clear that there is talent and great ideas mixed up in this mess, and if you can’t see that then surely the good intentions are plain to see. Like Farrah Moan, he needs another 3 years or so to understand who he is. It’s not always about 'honing your craft’, even though that’s definitely a part of it, and that’s proved by Valentina who’s turning it out in the top group consistently now in the most spectacular of ways. Age may be just a number, but life experience and raw talent counts for something major… And at this point in Aja’s career, I think that’s exactly what’s lacking to make the package complete. He’ll get there tho, I’m sure of it.

Guess I won’t be eating my words… Will I, Kimora? Like I said last week, the only reason I believe Kimora was given a pass to stay was because Jaymes Mansfield was so damn terrified. I try to stay away from negativity, but Kimora doesn’t really bring the best out of anyone including herself. It’s that nasty attitude…She transparently played the 'dumb blonde’ (I guess in 2017 we call that 'Playing Kardashian’, but I have no reason to insult any of those women), and that overly confident schtick doesn’t translate when there is no substance or clever angle to back it up… Kimora is no Willam Belli. I know stupid, I’ve stared at it directly in the face… And even stupid knows what adjectives are. I just don’t buy it. Kimora is the product of a generation that eats, drinks, shits, and dreams of reality television… But this is reality tv competition and we see that you are attempting to play a part, and not even well. You wasted a spot. You sent Jaymes Mansfield home and as scared as that little bugger was, he was certainly more promising and more talented. I’m not being mean here, I’m being real. There was nothing fun about watching Kimora Blac and this is literally the last sentence I will ever write about him.

Thanks for reading. I know this was a long one. And yes, I think taking the time to share my views of the show as well as compare and contrast my life experiences was worth it, especially since we were able to cover Pulse, it’s aftermath, and what it means to me. This will be edited down as it moves to other platforms, but I think that you and you and you who have read this all the way through are worth my time and every word on this page, as ridiculously fucking long as it is. Spotlight Saga is my baby, my brand that I’m moving forward as my own online publication, who better to give the most honest and passionate piece of myself to than you?

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sarcasticlykaeon-blog · 6 years

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Caught Between Worlds

Stuck. Thats how it felt, every hour of every day, for as long as I could remember. Like i was some sort of freak, on the outside looking in. I can remember when i was small, barely old enough to really walk and talk, two and a half, three...and i hated dresses. I hated pink. I hated lace and frills. If i could choose or make my will known it was pants. Tshirts and sweatshirts. Childrens overalls. I hated games in preschool. The girls always wanted to play house, with husbands and babies in some sort of elaborate roleplay. The boys wouldnt let me play with them. "No girls," theyd say. "You wont know how," or "girls arent any good at this. Go play with dolls." somehow...just because i didnt have the same lower regions i wasnt good enough. So i played alone, with blocks or toys, making up elaborate adventures or stories in the process. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother...they all wanted me to be a girl. They tried to take me underwing in baking, playing with makeup, dressup, dolls...they tried to teach me about playing with hair. Me? I just wanted to test out the new computer, watch ninja turtles, and kick butt like she-ra. My one concession to female marketed programs was Jem...but honestly? I loved the story and drama, not the glamour, glitter, fashion, or fame. I was the oldest...five years between me and my brother meant i was dads son substitute until i was almost 11. I learned things like changing the oil in a car, ms-dos programming and how to kick ass in Doom, how to tackle and fight back if grabbed by a bigger opponent. Of course...the instant my middle brother was old enough to do son things....fwip! I was ignored. About the only thing i could get the old man to do was D&D. My grandfather insisted it was a phase i would grow out of, that id become a seeker of a strong man and an actual woman eventually. My mother tried to force me to conform to gender standards. My aunt was disappointed. My father only started caring about gender normativity when i hit puberty. I never told them things like "i want to grow up to be a boy" because even at three, i knew it didnt work that way, on some instinctual level. But i dod wail and growl about the unfairness. Why is x okay for boys but not girls? Why are girls expected to be like this but boys arent? And the answer...oh the answer just upset me and angered me. "Because youre expected to be a young lady." By puberty, the words "young lady" were guarenteed to trigger a huge emotional fit of rage...but i couldnt explain why. Just like the fact that i had to fight for my place amidst whatever boys lived in the neighborhood. I had to work twice as hard to prove i was worthy of being allowed to hang out...and still they sought to ditch me at every opportunity. School was even worse. I was overly tall, strong, and hyper intelligent. I was part of the "Gifted Program" (which in most school systems is naught but busy work or a careful way to set up classes in high school to fix the averages of a class.) I was, in every concievable way the outcast. And then puberty found me. Early. The first time i bled in sixth grade, i cried myself to sleep, hiding blood ruined underwear in the back of my closet until i could throw it away. I didnt tell my mother until i was sixteen--hiding this horrid, agonizingly painful thing that happened to me once a month. When i grew breasts i hated them. I hated bras. And of course, i have breasts that grew huge. I survive with super tight sports bras and tshirts because nothing else fits my fucked up frame: ive got broad shoulders, long legs, and huge feet (size 12 womens, which is impossible to find), and im like 5'8". Id be taller but my arms and torso are short, and ive got wide hips and huge breasts and butt. I hated my body and i still do. I feel like i was a crapshoot built out of the mismatched leftovers of several people. And the shit my parents tried to enforce for gender conformity to this "new identity of a young lady." first was acne management. I wasnt a pizza face, but i did and still do have a bit of an issue with blackheads (Glasses have that effect.) But my parents tried to force me to pop my zits...and when i refused because it hurt, they basically held me down and popped them for me. Then was "shaving my legs". Okay. Underarms i get because pits stink. I shave those because it feels less stanky when i do. But their issue? My legs. I refused to do it. "Boys dont, why do i? Thats not fair!" i fought. Hard. But...like the zits...theyd hold me down and buzz my legs for me from knee to foot while i thrashed and begged...all to force on me a title i never wanted, a mold i didnt fit. And i didnt understand WHY. Why was my behavior, my life and interests and hobbies and clothing all supposed to be dictated by something so unimportant? And then...when i was sixteen, i met a person i hit it off with. A sweet and funny youth my age with hair as long as mine and a goofy smile on his face. In a few months we were dating long distance and i suspect my family sighed in relief that i wasnt a lesbian. Our fathers got to be friends(which was useful, since 200miles between us put a crimp in relations.) But this had another side effect. You see, that next year i learned something id never heard before. Something id never considered until that day in 2002. His father...felt he was a woman trapped in a mans body. I was floored. This could happen? What? So i researched what i could to understand (there wasnt much, back then.) And...i began to wonder....because all I could find was for males becoming females. Even joked with my boyfriend that the universe "got us backwards" (he agreed, seeing as how he was girlier than me) And then it all crashed to a halt one night at dinner. His father, him, me, another mtf person and two other adults were at a restaurant, and the kne guy at the table with no knowledge on trans folks was asking questions. I listened, enraptured as the emotions and disconnects id always felt were described from the other side. Emboldened, 17, and perhaps seeking some form of connection or...validation for my feelings, i piped up, expressing how i felt the universe had gotten me backwards. That was the worst thing to say, as his father unloaded on me verbally for being mocking and insensitive and jumping on a bandwagon i had no business on. Treated me like i was being scum--damn near drove me to tears and made me feel small and useless. And i thought "if this is what trans ppl are like...i dont want to be like them ever." it crushed my desire to understand my gender identity and sexuality for years. It didnt help that as time went by ot seemed every trans person i encountered was one of two things: a dramawhore with the emotional stability of a 14year old girl, or someone like my bf's father who decided that i couldnt belong to his elitest club in a fashion that echoed years of "no girls allowed" from boys everywhere. The internets vast collection of professionally offended "keyboard warriors" who spew bigotry and hate and small minded idiocy while calling it "truth" or "just what X group deserves" is a steaming cesspit of shit I dont want to be part of on any level, and unfortunately many of them claim to be whatever "alternate" gender identity or sexuality is the fad this month. Its not winning me over at all, and made me shy further away from actual people i might be able to relate to...maybe who can help me. I finally did own up to something when i was 23--I was more sexually attracted to women than men. In fact...beyond a few emotion driven crushes as a teen, the only male i have ever found attractive was that same goofy, funny, smiling boy with the long hair...except these days hes my supportive, goofy, smiling mate with the softest heart of gold ive ever known inside a powerful and intimidatingly sized viking-esque exterior. But again...because on the outside, our relationship seems very "normal" im not welcomed much by the vocal minority and so im super wary of all parts of the lgbt crowd. I dont advertise or tell my relatives--my parents and their respective siblings are between 50 and 70 years old. They barely believe this stuff exists. I still dont want to be a girl. I dont want the societal expectations of it. I hate having breasts that risk knocking my teeth loose if i move too fast. And dont get me started on the fucking shit show that is my sex life. Its a complicated shit show that starts with the disconnect of parts and ends with kinks i can never actually engage in because, guess what? Im a GIRL. But at the same time, i stare at the only transmen examples and stories i can find, which seem to be rare and hidden somewhere, at places like fb and tumblr and twitter...at pride rallies and news stories...at stuff recounted by friends...and i dont want to be associated with people whose actions turn them into examples of literal human garbage. And so here i sit, caught between two worlds, never part of either one and feeling like im slowly drowning. It seems like one doesnt want me and the other i dont want... Im so tired of being stuck.

#Gender dysphoria #gender identity #emotional stress #confusion #feeling like a freak

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