#WHY CANT YOU JUST LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY LIKE YOURE SUPPOSED TOO

[fagbearentertainment]

Kaito is supposed to be satire on shounen protagonists but they forgot the satire part

He's constantly making Shuichi do all the work and then trying to take credit for everything which is like. so fucking annoying. Not too bad though, if it was just that I wouldn't hate him

In ch4 Kaito throws a temper tantrum bcs Shuichi disagreed with him and agreed with Kokichi (the horrors!!) and their friendship is strained but fsr the game wants me to believe they're both at fault here????? Like what?????? I need you to understand - Kaito was incorrect in the trial. Being incorrect means death for everyone. Why am I supposed to think that Shuichi was in the wrong for saying the truth? Just bcs Kaito doesnt like it? Get over yourself you self centered asshole everyone almost DIED bcs of you you should be APOLOGIZING

Then SHUICHI tries apologizing to HIM but Kaito refuses to talk to him???? Does this count as guilt tripping I can't tell

Like. "How dare you disagree with me? I won't talk to you again until I need your help, making you feel even worse for disagreeing with me" feels kinda. suspicious

Not to mention that the nickname "sidekick" implies that Shuichi is inherently lesser than Kaito

And then there's Maki!!!

In chapter 3, he started harassing her bcs he decided he knows what's best for her and refuses to take no for an answer. Off to a great start!

She finally goes along with his bullshit. She makes it very obvious she does not want to be there. He keeps dragging her back anyway. fun stuff

So her character development sucks but I can't tell if that's a Kaito sucks issue or a the writers suck issue but basically she becomes a lot more emotional and a lot more murderous and everyone's just. Okay with that

So in chapter 5 she starts strangling Kokichi for no reason in particular and Kaito tells her to stop. but like. His reason why she should stop is so weird ? It's not "Killing is wrong", it's "Monokuma wants us to kill each other". I swear, it's like he doesnt think of Kokichi as a person so it's okay to kill him or something. I'm supposed to root for this guy?

One last thing I'll mention is innnnnnnnnnnn chapter 2. When everyone finds the flashback light. Everyone gives very good and logical reasons why using these things isn't a good idea but then Kaito's like "Yea but we cant move forward w/o taking risks :)" and everyone except Kokichi comes around. (Kichi does stay but he makes it very clear he still thinks this is a bad idea) Like what the fuck happened here

And all of this would've been fine if he was properly called out for his bullshit!! But he wasn't!!!!! The narrative wants you to unconditionally love him, even though he loves his friends conditionally. Hilarious how that works

I think there was also some other smaller things that build up but I can't remember rn. It's been a hot second since I last booted the game lol

~the bigender Charlie anon

—————————————————————————

I don’t remember a whole lot of character dialogue from drv3 aside bc it’s my least favorite on the trilogy but yikes. he’s WAY WORSE than I remember lol

[fenhonig]

hey so im salty.

i saw something on reddit today that reminded me of why i feel such anger towards beauty standards. it was a video of a little girl, she couldnt have been over 5 or 6 years old, and she had a birthmark on her face. the skin right above her nose on her forehead was darker and wrinkled. nothing wrong so far, right?

here's the funny part. in the video, it shows this child before and after getting the birthmark surgically removed, which sounds fine on the surface right? even positive?

i cannot tell you how fucking angry it makes me. this kid, this CHILD, had her parents decide that her birthmark was something WRONG with her. they decided FOR HER to have it removed. it boils my fucking blood that her PARENTS, people who are supposed to LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY, saw this unique part of their child and decided that it was something that had to be removed. this kid is going to grow up knowing that this mark was something that was seen as a flaw. and that fucking hurts me.

it doesnt even seem like a big deal at first until you realize that this logic doesnt JUST apply to people with noticable birthmarks. you wanna know who also regularly get their bodies surgically altered at extremely young ages for aesthetic reasons even though there's nothing that would pose a threat to their health? intersex babies. not enough for you? how about babies born with certain deformities that, on their own, pose no threat to their health? do you think its ok to just decide that these children arent aesthetically appealing enough? to just decide for them to make a life-changing surgery happen?

and dont even come to me with the "well some conditions require surgical intervention" because thats not what im fucking talking about. im talking about people who are perfectly healthy, theres nothing about their unique condition that poses a threat to their health, but because that condition is seen as "weird" or "gross", they have their bodies permanently altered without any fucking say in it.

why do we teach these kids that there was something "wrong" that had to be "corrected" for them? why do we refuse to teach other kids that these differences arent a bad thing? why do CHILDREN, LITERAL FUCKING CHILDREN, have to be aesthetically pleasing for their parents to love them? you cant "love your child unconditionally" and then decide that one of their traits is just so unappealing that you decide to remove it for them. you dont love them unconditionally. you love them when they look normal to you.

i dont even care if it looks like im overreacting because this shit can, will, and already has hurt people. imagine growing up and knowing that your parents got rid of a trait that only you had JUST to make you look more pretty. more presentable. it didnt matter to your parents how you would feel afterwards when you could comprehend what had happened, all that mattered to them is that you looked appealing. that you looked correct. that you looked normal.

imagine being at that age and then realizing years later that you didnt look pretty enough for your parents to fully accept you. thats disgusting, absolutely fucking disgusting. children shouldnt be taught that certain traits make you have something wrong with you. instead of teaching kids to accept people and themselves as they are, parents teach their kids that they and other kids have to look normal to be accepted. they dont say it, but thats exactly what they teach.

people shouldnt have to fit into a certain box just to be seen as worthwhile. i dont even think that teaching kids that people outside the box matter too is good enough. we should teach kids that there shouldnt be a box in the first place.

you shouldnt have to look any sort of way to receive acceptance and love. you shouldnt have to BE any sort of way to receive acceptance and love. you're worthwhile. the way you were born shouldnt determine your worth, your actions should. some people arent worth the time, i will admit, but the people who are written off just for being born different deserve so much more.

if you're someone who is hated, seen as gross, seen as disgusting or seen as weird for something out of your control, remember that it isnt you who should take the blame. your own behavior, actions, views, they are what matters. anyone who targets you for something you couldnt control? fuck em.

that is my ramble, im extremely tired, please love yourself. and if you cant then love the people like you, maybe that will help.

[thetraumajunkyard]

The Devil is My Father.

For I was once little, coming into the world with no question about it.

A little girl seeing a man and adapting to him being the one who protects, guides, loves unconditionally, wants the best for me, and could no wrong.

as a child, the faith, hope, imagination, will to create, love of life, and trust was so strong.

he protected me against my mother who i thought wanted me for me, but turns out.. the money drove her.

“she doesnt want you.” “im all you need.” im the only one who cares about you.” “ill give you everything that you want.” with all that spewing out his mouth, how could i not believe him? he’s my father! he cant do no wrong.

i thought.

with me giving up hope on my mother, the faith, hope, will to create, love of life and trust started to diminish.

he was all i needed.

little did i know, he was self projecting too.

as i got a lil older, words that started with “You’ll always be my lil girl.” went to “i wouldve sent you back with your mom but i kept you for the money she owes me.” “You need me.” “nobody wants you.”

my faith, hope, will to create, love of life, and trust.. disappeared.

his harsh words, along with his sweet words, wrestled in my head. he was my voice in my head now. there was no escaping.

i did need him. at times he needed me, and i thought just for a second that he wants to do better as a father for me.

once he was back on his feet, every single time, i was the gum on the bottom of his shoe trying to scrape it away.

“Youre a bum. You should be disappointed in yourself for not having a job.” (i didnt have it because i was taking care of him when he got shot) went from talking to every thing he said was a jab. “thats why your mom didnt want you.”

he ran through so many women. so many. just for me to find out that yes he’s lustful, cant stay tied to one woman, and wants to be a hoe but every woman he wanted to marry was only because he wanted his daughter to have a mother figure.

it was sweet and thoughtful, i thought.

but he gave them all free reign over me while he went out working all the time, not having time for me or my brother. went out and cheated. and living his best life. he brought pain to his own life and got confused. but then i became the one who suffered through the hands of him and the women he came across. all because of his actions.

it started off rocky with the woman i now call my mother. but as we fixed things we realized he was the problem. i endured pain, suffering and abuse all because of his actions. stuff i never should’ve gone through or seen.

secrets are now told as i got older. things became a lot clearer. “your dad only married me, to be a mother for you. he didnt love me.” she was always there for me and my lil brother. she did everything a father was supposed to do. shes my mother and my father. he abandoned us all every single time just to come back and sleep for work and be gone.

he was never a father to me.

he was the devil in disguise.

God says to love our enemies and honestly i feel like i tried. no matter what he has done, or said to me.

But now i pushed our father/daughter relationship off the cliff. he pushed me to that point.

you may wonder is he trying to fix it.

the answer is no. he’s perfectly fine with how we are. and since he is fine with it, and didnt want to be my father in the first place..

i became okay with that. even if it hurts at times.

because he showed me, i was only an inconvenience to his life, controlled everything in my life while i catered to him all the time just to turn around and be tossed like trash.

i decided to stop recycling and leave it in the trash for good like he want it.

the devil is my father, and he had my life in his hands.

-Tinz.

[soulvee-animationz]

Bitch what the fuck I shouldnt have been born <3

[alexlwrites]

Idol AU one-shot where soulmates can feel each other's pain after they... ahem ahem... make their bond official.

Cut to the boys leaving you, their soulmate, alone at home while you were having the Godzilla of periods, soon to find out the absolute shit of a mistake they made leaving the dorms that day.

I started writing these months ago and just found the doc... Should I finish it? Here's what i got:

---

Men are useless, you concluded while dragging yourself from the big kitchen to an even bigger living room, a blanket thrown around your shoulders and an ostensibly big tub of ice cream in your hands.

You had seven soulmates. Seven. Seven men who were supposed to be there for you and love you unconditionally. And yet not a single one of them managed to be home to support you while going through what could only be described as the world’s worst period.

You would’ve understood if it was a comeback week - having only officiated your soulmate bond a few weeks before, you had yet to experience those but you could only imagine how brutal they would be. But at that moment, their schedule was sparse and they still chose to spend their free time at the studio due to a burst of creativity on Yoongi’s part instead of staying with you in what you considered a desperate time of need.

One of them would do, you thought to yourself while you lied down on the sofa and turned on the TV. You didn’t need all seven of them to take care of you, although that was the ideal scenario. One of them to give you a back rub would suffice. A soothing hand placed on your lower abdomen would do. Instead, you had to resign to your hand pressing down on your skin and a marathon of couple goals videos on Youtube.

“Oh my god, imagine having an idol as your soulmate?” you mock exclaimed to the empty room “What a dream!” you waved the spoon at the couple with matching outfits on the screen “A dream, my ass. Gonna find myself another soulmate and then what? They are going to regret the day they left me home alone! I might even get a song after this…”

You mumbling was interrupted by the sound of your phone, the screen lighting up with a notification from the group chat you had with the boys.

Yoongi [2:00pm]: hey babe, are you feeling any better?

You [2:01pm]: I hope you lost all inspiration and I hope all your verses only rhyme with the word “farts”

Seokjin [2:02pm]: quick game change a word in a song title for “farts”

Jungkook [2:02pm]: war of farts

Seokjin [2:03pm]: magic farts

You [2:04pm]: seokjin farts

Seokjin [2:04pm]: okay your judgement is clouded by anger so I’m gonna let that one slide

You [2:04pm]: your face is clouded by anger

Seokjin [2:05pm]: that doesn’t even make sense. Cmon honey you cant be that mad

You [2:05pm]: yes i can im cutting the nipples out of all your shirts fuck off

[Y/N left the chat]

You were aware that you were being the slightest bit unreasonable. But your awareness did not mean you cared, so you threw your phone back onto the couch, screen down you wouldn’t see any upcoming massages. Curling into a ball, you felt the pain on you lower back fluctuate between bearable and absurd as you allowed yourself a moment of self pity and loneliness.

---

“We’re fucked” Yoogi announced to the room, Seokjin wincing by his side.

When they left earlier in the morning, they didn’t think you would be upset. Generally speaking, you were very understanding and reasonable, always sending them off to work with a kiss and a smile, always being there to comfort them when they came home exhausted. They should’ve known today was not going to be like that when you woke up with a scowl, hands clutching your tummy as you made your way to the kitchen to inhale an atrocious amount of food. When you didn’t say good morning, just sighed a breathless “yeah” when Jimin asked if you were okay.

They should’ve known you would be upset when they started getting ready and you looked up with big, glassy eyes and asked why they were leaving. Yoongi explained how they had some recordings to do and your bottom lip started trembling.

“Can’t you stay with me just for today? Please?” you begged, but they were already half the door, too focused on their obligations as artists and not enough on their duties as soulmates.

“Sorry, baby. We’ll be home later, okay?”

They should’ve known they were fucked when you frowned, eyes quickly becoming stormy as you dodged Taehyung’s kiss. “Whatever” you murmured, walking back into the bedroom and slamming the door.

There was no explanation for how oblivious they were to your state when you made your discountent clear as day, so there was no one to blame for the unsettling feeling of guilt they shared but themselves.

“Do you think she’s really mad?” Jungkook asked, nervously biting his nails.

“Maybe she’s just joking?” added Jimin, ever the hopeful.

Taehyung shook his head “She seemed really off this morning, I don’t think she’s joking” he said, still upset about how you stepped away from him.

Hoseok stood up, clapping his hands together as he started giving out orders “Well, then let’s wrap up as quick as possible so we can go home and try to save the situation as best as we c-WOAH”

Suddenly he was on his knees, clutching his stomach like his life depended on it. “Hobi!” Namjoon called, quickly kneeling beside his friend “Are you okay?”

“No!” wailed the other “What the hell is going on?”

Yoongi got up to call a staff member when his body decided to rebel against him, sending him stumbling back his steps back onto his chair, his abdomen on fire “Ow, ow, ow, what is this? What’s going on?”

One by one, the member started to feel it, an insistent pressure on their just under the bellybutton that expanded to their lower back. It didn’t give, simultaneously feeling like someone was pressing down on them or something was clawing its way out.

[gureishi]

OkAY SO HELLO AGAIN

my cat Tiko is EXTREMELY VOCAL to the point where he gets on my nerves almost every day. HES MEOWUNG HIS HEAD OFF RIGHT NOW LIKE BRO WTH I JUST GAVE YOU SOME ATTENTION

my mom's better at handling him than i am. im just way too easily irritated. AND LIKE he doesnt just!!! come over to me or my mom for attention! like bro you can just chill on my lap u know and i'll give u attention buT NOPE.

jdvdhsj okay sorry that turned into a mini rant

anyways sometimes i snap at him or even slam on the table (to make noise) to get him to be quiet (thats like, when im in school or trying to focus on hw, art, or writing -- or otherwise not in a position to get up and give him attention). doesnt always work lol... but i just get so frustrated. and i always feel bad but i honestly cant help it; i have a bit of a short fuse, at least when it comes to irritation (rather than anger). occasionally i pretend to through like, an eraser at him, but thats not as common.

so i guess im just wondering how saeyoung would react in those cases? especially the first ones. and i suppose this could get a lil angsty... i only say that because i can feel rn that i would probably feel so guilty for behaving that way in front of someone other than my mom.

it also has to do with that "getting stuck" thing. its hard to actually get up and move sometimes. AND IM ALSO A HUMAN WHO HAS THINgs to do and i cant always entertain Tiko just because he's bored or thinks something is wrong just because we've been sitting in one place for more than 2 hours and appearing to not do anything... smh

msvdjsbsj gosh this is probably so weird and specific lolol sorry 😅 but it is an almost daily thing for me.

and gosh this whole thing probably makes me sound like a monster 😭😭 if it means anything, i would never actually hurt him :(( and i never have in the 10 years we've had him. i just get frustrated so easily and his meow is very loud and sorta high pitched and piercing and persistent... sighh

[417]

You certainly do not sound like a monster! As I’ve told you, we are constantly whining at the dog because he is so very loud (and yes, we should train him better, and we’ve tried, but he is also anxious and my street is very chaotic 😭)

So anyway: I very much get it ❤️❤️❤️

Hmmmmmm what to call this...?

Saeyoung with an MC who gets annoyed at her loud cat

Everyone knows Saeyoung loves cats. What you also know, of course—and what he sometimes forgets—is that he doesn’t actually know anything about cats.

He is startled by the meowing, at first. He is fascinated with your cats: he thinks they are beautiful and charming and adorable and perfect in every way (much like you). He didn’t really expect them to be loud, though. 

His first instinct, of course, is to meow back. He has endless energy to play with the cats—after all, he hasn’t grown up with them, and he only sees the things that are exciting. And of course, they will end up in a long conversation, Saeyoung and the cat. Lots of meowing. Very vivacious meowing.

And look, if you’re in the right headspace for it, it’s pretty cute. He really just wants the cats to understand him. He wants to be their friends. (He wants to make sure he has their blessing to be with you, but that’s another story altogether.)

But if you’re not in the right headspace—you’re working, or writing, or drawing, and need some peace and quiet—it’s not so cute anymore.

It’s automatic: the cat meows, and you snap in response. You’re frustrated; you’re trying to focus, and the incessant noise pushes you over the edge.

And that startles Saeyoung, too. He’s never heard you snap like that before.

Immediately, you feel terrible—you’re hit with a huge wave of guilt. And it is double guilt, because he is here, and you love him, and you don’t want him to think badly of you. 

And you love your cat, of course. You didn’t mean to snap the way you did; you don’t want this beloved boy to think you are a horrible, cat-hating monster.

A moment ago, you rose out of your seat. Now, you sit back down slowly. You don’t really want to meet his eyes.

“Sorry,” you mutter. Your face feels hot. “I didn’t mean...”

He doesn’t say anything right away, and you can feel his eyes on you. You feel like you might cry. Oh, you think—he hates you now.

And the cat is meowing again, because of course he is.

“Hey.” Suddenly, Saeyoung is in front of you. He’s jumped up onto the table and pushed your work to the side—he’s peering down, trying to look in your eyes. “What’s wrong?”

You put your face in your hands so you don’t have to look at him. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that,” you say into your hands. “Don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Gentle, rough fingers on your face—and he’s tilted your chin up so you can’t help but look him in the eye. Ah, and for a moment you are lost there, as you so often are: his gaze is soft, and bright, and intense—once you are looking, it is impossible to look away.

“It was loud,” he says. “I get it. But why are you...?”

He cups your cheeks in both hands. And he probably shouldn’t be sitting on the table, but—but—his hands are warm and he is looking down at you with such deep affection in his eyes. 

“I got frustrated,” you tell him. “But I didn’t want to—I shouldn’t—act that way in front of you.���

His eyes widen. You didn’t expect him to be surprised, but he is—and he is blushing, which seems strange.

“You were trying to—?” He shakes his head, like he doesn’t quite understand. “Okay. Here’s what you have to know.”

He is still holding your face. And this is fine—you could feel his hands on your cheeks forever and it wouldn’t be enough.

“I love you,” he says firmly. “You...know that part, right?”

You laugh—perhaps a little wetly. You do know.

“My love is not conditional,” he continues. You take a shaky breath. “I love you when you’re happy and energetic. I love you when you’re working hard and focusing. I love you when you’re sad and need comfort. I love you when you’re irritated, or frustrated, or angry,” he says.

It is a flood of words, and they wash over you like a rushing river. Your heart is racing.

“You don’t have to act any way around me,” he tells you. “That’s part of the deal.”

The cat is meowing again, but you hardly hear him. Absently, you reach over and pet him. Saeyoung grins.

“And you love your cats,” he adds. “And I know you’d never hurt them just because you’re upset.”

You nod. It’s true. You wouldn’t.

“C’mere?” he asks. He holds out his arms and—oh, he is still sitting on the table, but—you stand, falling into him, resting your head on his chest. He wraps both his arms around you and squeezes you tight.

“You know the same goes for you, right?” you mumble, your voice muffled by his t-shirt. He giggles at the way you sound and presses his lips to the very top of your head.

“No matter what?” he asks. 

“Of course.”

He meows.

Oh, and he is meowing at the cat again: back and forth, as if they are chatting about the weather.

“Saeyoung!” 

You pull back and he smiles apologetically. “Still love me?”

You roll your eyes. You pet the cat. You pet his head.

You do: of course you do. Unconditionally.

[samanthadalton]

Star crossed lovers part 7 (au)

pairings: poppy x mc (bea)

warnings: throughout this fic there will be mentions of substance abuse, homophobia, sexual abuse, violence, NSFW, mentions of abandonment, depression and death including suicide

reader discretion is advised

taglist: @somewillwin @cloud9in @save-me-the-last-dance @baexpoppy @stanzoeywade @ognenniyvolk @thepotatobleh @crazzyplays @rxssians @helpconfusedpersonhere @dopeyouth @boys-girls-i-cant-help-it-baby @clowneryme (if you wanna be added on let me know) 

word count: 5.2k (my longest chapter yet) 

if there’s any mistakes i’ll fix it later bc its like 5am here 

part 1: part 2: part 3: part 4: part 5: part 6: 

Birthday Bash 

“Bea.” 

Poppy stares at the brunette, wide-eyed, her knuckles turning white as she firmly grips on the doorknob, but she doesn’t let go. She definitely wasn’t planning on seeing her girlfriend tonight, and judging by the haunted expression on Bea’s face, neither was she. 

“Hey,” is all Bea can squeak out, lips slightly quivering, her eyes a bloodshot red as if she’s been crying for days. Poppy quickly peaks her head out of the doorway, analysing her surroundings, looking for any traces of anyone's presence before clutching onto Bea’s arm and dragging her into the foyer.

“What happened?” Poppy’s voice is soft, timid, her brows furrowed as she takes in Bea’s demeanour. As the lights shine on Bea, Poppy can see her girlfriend’s features more clearly, her cheeks glisten with dried tear stains, while her hair looks like a bush, most likely from Bea running her hand through hair constantly, a habit she does when she’s upset or angry. 

As if right on cue, Bea runs a hand through her hair, her expression distressed.“ Is it safe to talk here?” Bea’s tone’s insecure as she gazes into the strawberry blonde’s eyes for the first time tonight, and Poppy notices the sad glint in her eyes. It takes all of Poppy’s strength to not break down in tears just by looking at her girlfriend. 

Poppy clears her throat, blinking away the tears, “uh yeah, my dad’s not home. Come let’s go to my room.” Poppy contemplates holding Bea’s hand as she sees it fitted closely to the brunette’s side, but reminds herself how volatile things are between her and Bea so she walks ahead of Bea and not looking behind her until she reaches her room. She opens the door and lets Bea into the room, making a beeline for her bed, sitting at the edge while Bea hovers near the door frame, nervously fidgeting as if it’s her first time in the strawberry blonde’s room, her eyes wearily glancing around the room. 

“You can sit if you want” Poppy pats the space near her and Bea gives her a small smile as Bea gives a small nod of appreciation and meanders over to her bed and settles down, leaving a wide gap between herself and Poppy. As the girls look over at each other, familiarity slowly begins to wash over them as the memories that they spent together in the room come flooding into their minds; the late nights, the sneaking out, the kisses, the cuddles, the I love yous. It wasn’t that long ago where the girls were lying down in Poppy’s bed together discussing their future and senior year, but now as they’re in the same space everything has changed, and deep down inside they both know that. 

Poppy gives Bea a warm smile, her eyes full of affection as she waits patiently for her girlfriend to speak first. Poppy knows firsthand to be submissive when Bea is in a mood, otherwise Bea will just close off and the girls won’t make any progress. After some deliberation, she tentatively reaches out, her hand slowly clasping around Bea’s, giving it a squeeze, a small gesture to reassure her girlfriend that she’s willing to wait. Bea smiles internally at Poppy’s action, but after the dispute between herself and her mother, it has been on a constant replay in her head, almost like a never ending nightmare which she can’t wake herself up from. The girls continue to sit in the silence as Bea tries to gain her bearings, her mind going a million miles a minute, but Bea fights against the flight instinct she has become accustomed to over the last couple of months taking a deep slowing breath before opening her mouth to speak. 

“Thank you for letting me in.” 

Poppy frowns, “you’re my girlfriend Bea, I would never turn you away.” 

Bea glances down at the floor, “so why didn’t you want me at the hospital? Or why haven’t you answered my calls? Texts?” A guilty expression flashes across Poppy’s face, as she stutters, struggling to come up with a valid reason, instead she clamps her mouth shut, her lips pressed together in a thin line. Bea reaches out to take Poppy’s cast in both of her hands, her soft fingers delicately brushing against the rough plaster, a solemn look on her face. “When you fell I-” she abruptly cuts herself off as hot tears begin to stream down her face, she shifts her gaze away from Poppy, in an attempt to hide her face. 

Poppy reaches out, cupping Bea’s face in her hands, her thumbs swiping the tears as she places her forehead against the brunettes, speaking softly against her lips, “Bea I know. I’m okay though.” The strawberry blonde’s voice begins to waver but she clears her throat, pushing away the lump in her throat, “I know I’ve been distant lately. Pushing you away and it isn’t fair. We need to stop avoiding this conversation.” Bea nods into Poppy’s hands, sniffling as she blinks away the last couple of tears forming in her eyes. 

“You’re right.” 

And so Bea tells Poppy everything; her unexpected visit from her dad, the argument with Isabella, the night she was almost mugged. Poppy stares intensely as Bea, quietly taking in the information, part of her feels like an idiot, like she’s being selfish. Crying over a broken arm while Bea’s life is completely falling apart. But another part of her feels hurt, hurt that Bea had been concealing all of this. Suppressing all her emotions to the point where Poppy almost blamed her for her fall. 

She understands that her and Bea live in two completely different worlds. But would that be their downfall? Or would they be able to push through their differences and love each other unconditionally? Promise that they will never keep something from the other? Promise to love and commit to each other no matter the consequences? 

Maybe Bea would be able to, but could Poppy? She has more to lose than Bea does, more at stake. But all those doubts perish when Bea gazes at the strawberry blonde, relief flashing across her face. She seems more at ease than when she first came in, like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders and Bea’s problems shouldn’t be her own burden, Poppy knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to be with Bea. No matter how much life threw at them nothing could take away the fact that they were soulmates, who were brought together to balance each other out. 

“Pops?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Poppy moves in, she places a soft, long kiss on Bea’s forehead before fitting herself in Bea’s bigger frame, her arms wrapping around the brunette’s waist, while her head nuzzles into her neck. “You have nothing to apologise for Bea. If anything I should be sorry. I’ve been such a bitch, when I should’ve been there for you. I hate that we’ve come to this. Not being able to tell each other anything.” 

Poppy hears Bea sharply inhale and lifts her head to look at her girlfriend, “Was there something else?” 

One of Bea’s hands moves to stroke the strawberry blonde’s hair, she solemnly nods, “yes. Don’t be mad I didn’t say anything earlier because I would’ve but you were ignoring my calls.” Poppy pushes herself off her girlfriend studying Bea’s remorseful expression. “It’s about Carter. 

“What about him? Did he do something to you?” Poppy brow’s furrow while Bea shakes her head. 

“He approached me the night of the volleyball, the game where you fell.” her gaze drifts down to Poppy’s cast, “he knows about us.” 

Poppy feels the blood rushing to her ears, as her heart thumps powerfully in her chest. ‘This isn’t supposed to happen, no one is supposed to know’ is all she can think, while her face pales and her eyes continuously blink, wondering if she’s heard Bea wrong. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know how Poppy but he swore he wouldn’t say anything,” Bea stammers. 

Poppy feels anger flaring up in her body as her eyes shoot daggers at Bea, “what the fuck Bea. You know how many times Carter has been to my house in the last week? And this entire time he fucking knew?” Poppy wildly throws her arms around, face reddening by the second. 

Bea feels anger exploding within her, her face scrunched up in a scowl and she starts yelling, “You were ignoring me. I called. I texted. You couldn’t be bothered to check up on your own girlfriend. So don’t you dare” she points an accusatory finger at Poppy, “blame me.” 

Both girls glare at each other, anger reaching a boiling point, the sounds of their tiny quick breaths fill up the deafening silence in the room. Bea takes a step towards Poppy, who in retort takes a step forward too, and without hesitation both girls move in for the kiss, their tongues already tangled together as they fight for dominance. Bea grabs the Poppy by her hips, pulling her closer to her frame, as she angles her head downwards, pushing her tongue into Poppy’s mouth who responds with small moans, her mouth invitingly opening up, as her hands creep up around Bea’s neck, wrapping around it and pulling her down onto the bed. All the pent up anger, passion, the absence of intimacy is met in the kiss, the girls feeding off each other’s kisses not breaking apart for air, as if they can live off the very feeling they’re giving each other. 

Soon the girls pull apart, their gaze fixated on one another, until they break into a fit of laughter, realising how ludicrous the entire situation is. 

“I’m sorry for snapping. I guess I’m scared about people finding out about us.” 

“Hey.” Bea cups Poppy’s face, her thumbs stroking her jawline as her eyes look intensely into Poppy’s brown doe eyes, “I would never let anything bad happen to you. Carter said himself, he’s not the enemy, he’s just an ass.” Poppy lets out an airy laugh, slightly shaking her head, while Bea returns a small smile, “I’m just glad we’re okay now, I missed you.” Bea leans down and places a chaste kiss on the strawberry blonde’s lips. 

“I missed you too. From now on no more secrets okay? We need to make sure we are healthily communicating with each other because I hate fighting with you.” 

“I know, I guess sometimes I just don’t want to burden you.” 

“Bea, you’re my girlfriend, you could never be a burden to me.” The girls share a long look, one filled with affection and appreciation. “You gonna be okay going home? You can stay here if you want.” 

Bea shakes her head, “your dad will be here soon and I don’t wanna risk it. It’ll be fine, I think.” Bea hesitantly adds. 

‘Well, I’m here if you ever need a getaway. And I’m glad we’ve made up because there is no way in hell we are not going to celebrate your birthday.” 

Bea lets out a loud groan, “Dammit it.” 

“We are going to celebrate your birthday Bea Hughes, you are not getting out of this one so easily.” 

…. 

In the following weeks, Bea and Poppy could not be in a better place, though their relationship was still a well kept secret from the students of Belvoire, or at least the majority of them, the girls back to being madly in love. Since cheer was not really an option for Poppy currently, she began investing into her role of head of the school newspaper more, while offering more hours to volunteer at her local animal shelter. Bea on the other hand was pouring herself into maintaining a healthy work/school balance. Her and Aria began a family night once a week, where her, Aria and Poppy and sometimes Veronica, Zoey and AJ would all get together and cook and play board games for a couple of hours. Although Bea and Poppy recently made up, they almost got into another fight after Bea put down a +4 in Uno and Poppy almost lost her shit. All the while, Poppy and Zoey were planning Bea’s birthday party. Bea was never too  crazy about her birthday but after a lot of petitioning from Poppy, Veronica and Zoey she eventually agreed to a birthday party which would be hosted by Zoey. 

…. 

Soon it’s time for Bea’s birthday and as soon as the brunette wakes up from her slumber she immediately goes onto her phone to see a bunch of birthday messages from all her friends. Poppy of course had wished Bea a happy birthday at exactly 12am and left her girlfriend a very long paragraph including all the reasons she loves her. Zoey leaves a drunken voice message, telling Bea that she’s starting the party early while Veronica gives a short and very mundane message just simply wishing Bea a happy birthday. Bea scrolls through the rest of the birthday wishes thanking everyone for the wishes until a pillow comes flying out of nowhere smashing into her face. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG SIS!” Aria jumps onto Bea, giving her some very brutal birthday beats while also not forgetting to give one for luck. Once she’s done, she jumps off Bea’s bed laughing. Bea massages her arms tenderly, mentally planning her little sister’s demise until Aria brings out a small wrapped box from under her bed, holding it out to Bea. 

“Aria you didn’t have to.” 

“Shut up and just open it.” 

Bea amusingly huffs as she carefully unwraps the bow on the box, before lifting the lid. She lets out a small gasp as tears begin to form in her eyes. “Oh my god Aria.” She endearingly stares at her sister before pulling her in for a massive bear hug, “this is the best present ever thank you.’ 

Aria returns the hug for a few moments until breathlessly cries out, “Bea, you’re crushing my lungs.” Bea instantly lets go, sympathetically rubbing her younger sister’s back, 

“Sorry Aria, but this is perfect, how did you know?” She affectionately stares at the picture frame in her hand, beaming at the photo of a young Bea holding a baby Aria in her arms. 

“Because you love that kind of stuff. Mom helped me with it.” 

Bea visibly tenses, “she did huh?” Aria who is completely oblivious about the severity of the altercation between Bea and her mother, only thinking it was just a petty argument that resulted in them not being on speaking terms, merely nods and flounces to the bathroom to get ready. 

After a birthday breakfast where Bea had to take over from Aria who can barely make a decent pancake batter, the girls sit in the living room reminiscing about the past, laughing at the past memories of one another. They’re interrupted by the sudden creaking of Isabella’s door who gingerly looks out of room before stalking towards the kitchen to fetch herself a glass of water. Bea pointedly avoids Isabella’s presence by directing her complete focus to her younger sister until Isabella’s low voice interrupts the conversation. 

“Happy birthday Bea.” 

Bea ignores her mother, clenching her jaw, furious at her mother’s attempt to simply sweep her previous proclamation about not wanting anything to do with her aside. “Hey Aria, why don’t we go to Zoey’s and then I’ll drop you off at your friend’s. We’ll even take my bike.” 

Aria squeals hugging Bea tightly, “seriously? You’ll let me go on the bike?” 

“Yeah, of course. Now go get your stuff I’ll wait here.” Aria rushes into her room while Bea reluctantly makes her way to the kitchen, where Isabella’s expression is downcast as her long nails tap against her glass. “Aria’s staying over at a friend’s tonight and I’ll be home late so I guess you have the house to yourself. Don’t trash it because remember who’s paying the bills in this house.” Bea turns away but Isabella latches onto her arm, her tone pleading. 

“Please Bea. It’s been weeks.” 

Bea aggressively shrugs her mom’s arm off hers before looking directly into her eyes, a fire blazing in them. “And? I meant what I said. No more handouts. You’re on your own. Tell Aria I’m waiting out front.” With that she walks off without a second thought or glance. 

….

Bea’s birthday is soon in full blast, and as Bea walks into the back yard she can’t help but be in awe of Zoey and Poppy’s collaboration to make the party a hit. The fairy lights carefully placed around the trees, shine brightly, a stark contrast to the dark night sky. A arm slings around Bea’s shoulder pulling her close to the warm body, “Happy birthday bitch!” Zoey places a plastic crown on Bea’s head giving her best friend a kiss on the cheek. As looks up and down appraising Bea’s short red dress, “damn girl, 18 looking good on you already.” 

“How are you already drunk? The party just started.” 

“How are you not drunk yet? It’s your birthday, let loose a little.” Zoey grabs Bea’s hands doing a silly dance before Bea breaks apart her gaze serious. 

“What’s wrong Zoey? I’ve known you long enough to know something’s up.” 

Zoey sighs, slumping her shoulders, her expression dejected, “I asked Veronica if she wanted to come to this party together but she said no.” 

“Aww Zo,” Bea pulls in Zoey for a hug. “I thought you guys really liked each other?” Zoey in retort lets out a bitter laugh.

“I guess it was just about sex for her. But fuck her. I don’t need her to have a good time.” She takes a huge swig of her beer, “besides, tonight is a celebration.” She downs the rest of her drink, exhaling sharply, “I’m gonna go grab another drink.” She makes her way to the drinks stand until Bea is tackled by a hug which almost sends her tumbling to the ground. 

“Happy birthday baby.” Poppy gives Bea a huge kiss on her lips, and when the kiss breaks off, Bea licks her lips a little, tasting the cherry lip gloss from Poppy’s lips. 

“Mmm, thank you,” she pulls Poppy in for another kiss until they’re interrupted by a loud cough. 

“Umm I’m here.” Veronica lifts a hand up waving, while a huge wrapped box is fitted to her side, wrapped around her other hand. “Here, happy birthday.” She shoves the box into Bea’s hands who just looks at Veronica gratefully. 

“Wow, thanks Veronica.” Veronica responds with a small hum as Bea begins ripping off the wrapping and then looks back up at Veronica wide-eyed. “Holy shit V, thank you. This is awesome.” She takes out the fresh biker helmet, staring at it in astonishment, a glossy black exterior, with white stripes painted all over it, brings a huge smile to Bea’s face and she gives Veronica a strong one armed hug. 

“You’re welcome.” Veronica beams as she hugs Bea back, “See told you she’ll like it P.” 

Poppy facetiously rolls her eyes, “fine you were right. But” she pulls Bea back to her side giving her girlfriend a quick peck on her lips, “my present is a million times better.” 

“Well duh you’re her girlfriend.” 

“Oh shush Lombardi, you’re just bitter that Zoey isn’t interested in you.” Bea furrows her eyebrows slightly at Veronica who just embarrassingly turns away. “Well let’s go get some drinks.” 

Many of Bea’s friends from the south join the party including Razor who gets a stern (and slightly drunken) telling off from Poppy for giving Bea a knife. Poppy excuses herself to join Zoey and a bunch of others in a game of truth or dare which Bea respectfully declines. As the party carries on, Bea stands at the edge of the living room carefully sipping her beer as she looks around, the music infectiously blaring from the speakers as everyone begins to dance. AJ sidles up to Bea giving her a warm hug wishing her a happy birthday. 

“I was wondering when you would show up.” 

“My dad wanted me to stay for a family dinner since my aunt came over but said I could come to the party once it ended.” 

Bea gives AJ a sincere pat on the back, “Well I’m glad you’re here. Have you spoken to Poppy yet?” 

AJ sheepishly rubs his hand on his neck, a slight frown on his face, “not yet. I’ve been kinda avoiding her but I’ll speak to her and apologize for scaring her.” 

“Alright, go and enjoy the party, I’m just gonna head out for some air.” AJ joins the fray as Bea heads out to the front yard staring at the night sky. 

“I thought you’re supposed to celebrate on your birthday?” 

Bea turns her head slightly to see a smirking Veronica making her way up to her and amusingly huffs, “I just needed some air. Sometimes the music gives me a headache.” 

“Yeah, these parties can be a bit much. But they’re definitely better than the shitty parties from Belvoire’s most finest.” 

“I’ve never been to a Belvoire party before.” 

Veronica exapgreentlying gasps, holding a hand to her chest, “who would’ve thought, Belvoire’s most hated has never been to a Belvoire party,” her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Bea smirks but her eyes look lost in thought until she looks over at the ombre-haired girl, curiosity in her eyes, “so what happened with you and Zoey, I thought you guys liked each other?” 

Veronica clicks her tongue, her expression contemplating, “she just wasn’t what I wanted.” 

“Oh so there’s someone else?” Bea raises an eyebrow at Veronica who just whole-heartedly rolls her eyes in retort. 

“Maybe. But I don’t know if they want me like that.” 

“Why not? You’re a great girl. I’m sure you would make them very happy.” 

Veronica shakes her head slightly, throwing her head back to stare at the sky, “well, I don’t want to ruin what they already have, it seems” her brows knit together as she ponders what word to use, “solid.” 

“Well you’ll find someone I’m sure. I mean I’m grateful for Poppy, I don’t know where I would be without her.” 

“Yeah, she’s pretty great isn’t she?” 

“Yeah. She is.” Bea smiles, her eyes twinkling as she thinks about her girlfriend. She shakes out of daze and smiles back at Veronica, “thanks again for the bike helmet.” 

“It’s fine Bea. I know how much you love the thing. I just thought you should look cooler while riding it.” Veronica turns to Bea, her expression pondering, “Why do you love motorcycles so much?” 

“Wait.. have you never ridden on a motorcycle before?” Veronica shakes her head. “Oh my god, it’s the best feeling ever, the wind blowing in your face, the speed. It feels like freedom I guess.” 

“Huh. That’s nice I guess.” 

“You guess? No I won’t have that. Come on.” She grabs one of Veronica’s hands steering her towards her bike that’s parked outside the house. “We’re going for a ride now.” 

“Uhhh are you sober enough for that?” Veronica raises an eyebrow at Bea, “I don’t wanna end up on the news for being the influencer who died while riding on a motorcycle with someone under the influence of alcohol.” 

Bea lets out a guffaw, holding her stomach, “I barely drank anything tonight. Trust me, you’re in good hands.” Veronica gives Bea a nod of okay, “uhh wait, let me tell Poppy we’re going for a ride, I’ll be right back.” She leaves Veronica on the sidewalk making her way into the house in pursuit of her girlfriend. She finds the strawberry blonde in the middle of the dancefloor, dancing her heart out to the music, drunkenly singing along to the words. Bea comes from behind, pulling Poppy’s hips to hers, and leans down to whisper into her ear, “looks like you’re having a good time.” Poppy in response, reaches back, her hands entwining around Bea’s neck as she grinds against her hips. 

“I have to admit, even though I had a hand in this party, Zoey really outdid herself.” 

Bea twists Poppy around placing a kiss against her girlfriend’s lips, “i’m glad you’re having fun, you deserve it babe. Veronica is waiting outside for me though. She told me she’s never ridden on a motorcycle before so imma take her for a ride on my bike okay? I’ll be back.” 

“Okay.” 

Poppy slightly freezes when she sees AJ enter the room, Bea follows her gaze, a solemn look on her face, “he wants to talk to you by the way. I think he wants to apologise.” 

“Yeah I guess we should talk,” Poppy sobers up slightly as she releases Bea and stands a little taller, “I’ll catch you later okay, I still need to give you your present.” 

“Okay,” Bea smiles down at her girlfriend before planting a chaste kiss on her lips, “let me know how it goes between you.” 

Poppy nods and makes her way to AJ while Bea moves towards the front yard. When Poppy reaches AJ she gingerly taps him on the shoulder, AJ jumps from the sudden touch, spinning towards Poppy almost dropping his drink in the process. 

“Gah! Sorry Poppy.” He drinks the contents of his cup before placing it on the counter and looks at the strawberry blonde. “So I’m guessing you spoke to Bea huh?” 

“Yeah, we should go somewhere quieter and talk.” AJ follows Poppy out to the corner of the back yard, away from the rest of the partygoers. “So.” 

“So.” 

“I know Bea already spoke to you about the party and stuff but I guess I wanted to thank you.” 

“Thank me?” AJ says surprised. 

“Yeah. What you did was kinda dumb but your heart was in the right place.” AJ lets out a small laugh shaking his head slightly. “I’m just grateful you would protect me like that AJ.” 

“Of course I would Poppy. You’re Bea’s girlfriend. And even if you weren’t you needed help. I hate when guys think they can do whatever they want to girls without facing the consequences.” There was a depth to AJ’s words, like he wasn’t just talking about that one ordeal, Poppy contemplated asking but AJ is just as fickle as Bea if not more, his behaviour and moods are often unpredictable so Poppy made a mental note to speak to Bea about it later. 

“Well it was very brave of you AJ. I’m glad Bea has amazing friends like you.” 

“Well you’re my friend too Poppy, and you deserve to have someone other than Bea to have your back.” 

Poppy turns silent, absorbing AJ’s revelation, were any of her friends as diehard as Bea’s? Would they ever assist Poppy like how AJ did? Poppy begins wondering if her friends were truly her friends at all, as she looks over at AJ, the young sophomore goofily grinning back at her, and she can’t help but smile. AJ is family to her, how Bea is like an older sister to him means that Poppy is also a sister to him too, and family, look out for each other which is something she’s beginning to learn. She tugs AJ close to her, pulling him into a back-breaking hug as she sobs softly into his shoulder, “thank you AJ, for everything.” 

AJ is too stunned to reply, so his hold around Poppy just tightens as the two just bask in the warmth of the embrace, content that they can rely on each other. 

All the while, Bea takes Veronica out for a ride on her bike while wearing her new helmet which was graciously gifted by the ombre-haired girl herself. 

“It looks good on you.” 

“Thanks.” Bea swings her leg around the bike before settling on the seat, she nods her head towards Veronica, “so? Hop on.”

Veronica timidly ambles towards Bea’s bike and climbs behind the brunette as her legs brushes slightly against her hips. 

“Hold on tight okay? We don’t want you falling off.” Bea says looking back, a widespread grin on her face. Veronica moves closer to Bea on the bike, her hands coming around to grip Bea’s stomach, “just a little tighter V.” Veronica squeezes her arms around Bea’s waist, “perfect. You ready?” 

“Let’s go.” 

Bea takes off on the bike, slowly at first but when she feels Veronica’s fingers beginning to relax around her waist, she begins to speed up, the wind breezing against her helmet while Veronica’s hair freely moves against the wind. The streetlights begin blurring as Bea increases the speed, the motorcycle going almost 50 miles an hour, and Veronica closes her eyes, relishing in the freedom Bea promised she would feel. They circle around the block a couple of times until it comes to a stop and Bea takes off her helmet shaking out her curly hair. 

“Oh my god.” 

“So? How was it?” 

“It was fucking exhilirating. Holy fuck Bea. Maybe I should invest in a motorcycle.” 

Bea lets out a laugh, “you definitely should, see I told you it’s amazing.” 

“Yeah yeah you were right.” Veronica pulls out her phone and gasps, “shit Poppy texted like a hundred times, come on it’s time to cut your cake.” 

The girls make their way to Zoey’s kitchen where everyone stands in a circle, eagerly and a few impatient, waiting to cut the cake. 

“There she is!” Zoey screams as the rest of the party goers cheer and Poppy sidles to Bea’s side giving her a kiss on her cheek. Zoey lights the candles as the group of people break into singing happy birthday. Bea pauses before blowing out her candles, a fond look in her eyes as the candles are blown out and eventually the cake is distributed between everyone and Poppy and Bea settle on the couch with Veronica sitting next to Poppy while Zoey and AJ sit next to Bea all silently eating the cake. 

“So how was the ride?” Poppy asks. 

“Awesome. Veronica is now a motorcycle convert.” Bea jests and Veronica rolls her eyes slightly. 

“Hey, I never had anything against motorcycles okay? I’ve just never been on one until tonight. But it was honestly life changing.’ 

The three girls break into a fit of giggles until Poppy reaches over, intertwining her fingers of her non broken hand, with Bea’s whispering in her ear. “Well I think it’s time for your present.” Bea gleams at Poppy as she allows herself to be pulled away from the couch but not before looking back and giving Zoey a sly smirk hinting at the fact Zoey and Veronica are now sitting next to each other. 

Poppy pulls Bea into Zoey’s empty bedroom before pulling Bea into a long passionate kiss. 

“Is this my present?” Bea grabs Poppy’s hips, a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

“That’s for later babe,” Poppy indulges in Bea’s desires for a few moments, allowing herself to get lost in Bea’s kiss as their tongues tangle together, eliciting a few soft moans from the strawberry blonde. Poppy pushes Bea slightly back, and rests her forehead against Bea’s, “stop distracting me, I gotta give you your present.” 

Poppy brings out her phone and pulls out a picture of an empty apartment, showing the picture to Bea. Bea looks at the photo confused, raising a pointed eyebrow at her girlfriend. “Uhhh I don’t get it.” 

“This is our apartment in New York. I put an early deposit on the place so it’s officially ours.”

read part 8 here 

[honeycomblattice]

why i didn’t like hunger games as a kid as a way to think about what is actually amazing about it (part 2)

2. obviously the romance plot is not the most important part of the book, but it is a huge part of it and aligns with the major themes. and i just don’t think i liked peeta all that much when i was a kid. i just didnt get this dude’s angle? he just loves this girl unconditionally and he doesnt make her uncomfortable when she turns him down and he doesnt whine after her? as a kid i think i was so conditioned to believe that was the way being loved was meant to go (thanks wattpad), that the guy loved you but also he treated you like shit and that was how you knew he loved you

and again, this makes me sad to think about me feeling that way as a tween, bc again..that mindset definitely did not do me any favors in terms of taking care of myself. but it makes me really happy now to read it and recognize what is really amazing about peeta as the main love interest. he has ALL the characteristics of the guy who usually gets pushed aside for the bad boy: hes nice, hes kind, he loves katniss soo much, he does typically female-coded work and hobbies. and it just is honestly a little revolutionary that he is not the guy who gets pushed aside but is the guy she unequivocally falls in love with. and chooses not OVER the other triangle guy but chooses. 

so many people have said all this stuff about peeta better. and what about it? it still makes me happy to realize that even though i couldnt see that as a teen, i can see that know. 

3. related to peeta, i also didnt like gale! and again i think it was because he ALSO was not the typical other guy in the love triangle. he always struck me as not enough of a bad boy, and of liking katniss too much. hes supposed to be the brooding bad boy whose mind you cant read but who secretly loves and protects you. and gale is not that AT all. he definitely is a less kind character than peeta, but he also likes katniss and he knows it and he isnt hiding it from her (but he also doesnt do anything that forces her hand or makes her uncomfortable). and jeesus that was so unconceviable to me as a teen. that a guy could just like you? and be nice to you? and not make your life bizarre and confusing all the time? wow reading wattpad as a tween really gave me diseases

these two points are super related but i think they just. are meant to say that. peeta and gale both really transcend the usual roles that male romantic interests have in YA novels in a way that didnt appeal to me as a kid, precisely because it was so much better and nicer and realistic than all the other trash i read. 

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Don’t Worry

Prompt: okay so i found your quarantine drabble "it started with a flower" merlin series and can we pls have more of gwen and arthur being worry warts while merlin continues to not understand why their worried? bonus points if merlin is immortal/cant be killed by human injuries so he's more reckless and gwen and arthur are just like "oh for fucks sake please stop merlin if for no other reason then we are mortal and you're killing us w stress" we love self-sacrificing merlin and his worried lovers

Thanks for the prompt, babe! It was so nice to look back at the true mountain of drabbles on this account...still can't get over the fact that a drabble is SUPPOSED to be 100 words exactly...also SHAMELESS D20 reference because that's how we roll babey

Read on Ao3

Pairings: merthur, gwen/arthur, gwen/arthur/merlin

Warnings: none

Word Count: 5653

Merlin has lived through many, many things. He continues to live through many, many things.

The fact that he can do this does not prevent Gwen and Arthur from worrying when he makes some, frankly, quite questionable decisions.

Or, five times Merlin makes Arthur and Gwen worry, and one time they make him worry in return.

1: Poison

In hindsight, the visiting lord was absolutely trying to kill both Arthur and Gwen. The man turned up with all his servants and knights in armor. Even the servants, yes, in leather tunics and with many different squires juggling things that were definitely supposed to be kept hidden. Arthur, of course, didn’t realize this because he’s been trying to be more focused on his own presentation—at least that’s the excuse he gives Gwen—but Merlin knows better. He’s been doing this for a long time.

So when the lord makes a show of rising to his feet amidst a jubilant feast, raising a goblet high in the air, praising Camelot, her strength, and the power of a strong, worthy leader, Merlin has to hide the roll of his eyes when he deftly removes both Gwen and Arthur’s goblets from their grasps. Arthur opens his prat mouth to ask what the hell is going on, only for Merlin to raise an eyebrow, toast to the lord, and down the contents of both.

“Merlin!”

Lancelot is out of his chair in an instant, rushing across the hall to catch Merlin as he slumps, followed swiftly by Gwaine who bellows for Gaius. Percival and Elyan don’t hesitate to draw steel, watching as the servants of the visiting lord hold up their hands.

“My lord,” the visiting lord simpers, “I have absolutely no idea what could have—“

“Save it,” Arthur growls, standing, “you have brought poison into the heart of Camelot. You will explain, but I have no wish to hear your pathetic mumblings right now.”

He turns his back on the lord as the knights rush him, holding the others at bay as Arthur kneels down at Merlin’s side. Gwen rises as well, her chin aloft, looking every bit the queen she is.

Merlin, of course, can’t hear a damn thing past the roaring of blood in his ears. This one’s a nasty one—he can feel it burning as it goes down his throat, splitting off into slivers that find their way through his body, into his chest, into his arms, right down to the tips of his fingers. It feels as though he’s both deathly cold and about to sweat out every little bit of moisture in his body.

He can’t see much either, his eyes squeezing shut to deal with the pain, but he can sense the moving of blurry shapes above him. Probably Lancelot, probably Gwaine, probably not Gaius yet, he’s quite far away.

Oh, is he being lifted? He’s probably being lifted. Alright, so they’re taking him to Gaius this time. That’s new. Wow, is the walk to Gaius’s always this long? Yes? No? He’s having a bit of a hard time keeping track of time right now.

“Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me?”

“Yes,” Merlin tries to say, only for his throat to explode in agony again the second fresh air enters, so he just ends up making this horrible half-screech-groan sound.

“Don’t try and speak,” the voice orders, presumably doing something other than just standing there watching this happen, not that Merlin can feel anything, “just hold on. We’re doing our best.”

Merlin closes his eyes fully and relaxes as much as he can onto the bench. Which probably isn’t very much if he remembers how most of these poisons work. He breathes, reaches deep into his chest for his magic, and waits, letting the slow golden light work its way around his body, helped along by whatever Gaius is doing to him.

He opens his eyes an uncertain amount of time later, looking straight into the most disapproving eyebrow he’s gotten in a while.

He swallows, cracking a smile when his throat merely tingles.

“So,” he croaks, “did I miss the rest of the feast?”

“Oh, Merlin!”

Ah, there’s Gwen—she flies into his arms, wrapping her own tightly around his middle, squeezing and holding on for dear life. Oh, her face is wet, has she—

“Hey, hey,” he mumbles, clumsily trying to pat her back, “it’s okay, ‘m alright. You’re alright too.”

“Thanks to you,” Gwen says, drawing back and wiping her face only to join Gaius in staring at him with the face of a disappointed parent, “Merlin, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I have a much better chance of surviving that than you and Arthur?”

Gwen bats his shoulder with her shawl. “That is beside the point and you know it. You scared us.”

“Sorry, but—“

“No, Merlin,” Gwen says sternly, “no ‘buts.’ I understand what you’re trying to do, but you know this isn’t good for you.”

“I don’t normally down poison on the regular, no.”

He grins, big and cheeky, right in her face. And to give her credit, she manages to gold that stern queenly façade for a few moments longer before she breaks, smiling and shaking her head and rushing right back in to hug him.

“I trust you unconditionally,” she murmurs, “I just wish you didn’t have to.”

“I have to keep you safe,” Merlin mumbles, still quite tired from fighting the poison, “and I’m alright. I’m always alright, you know that.”

“I know, Merlin.” She draws back and cups his face with a gentle hand. “But I worry.”

“So do I.”

“Not about yourself,” Gwen whispers, “not nearly as much as you should.”

“Well, when I start reacting to deadly things like a normal person, I’ll be more worried.”

2: Bandits

They’re just on a hunting trip. It’s not even a patrol. The knights aren’t even in all their capes and obvious things that flap about in the wind like signal flags saying ‘yes! Hello! We are here and we are obviously from Camelot! Please come and try to stab us!’ Seriously, Merlin’s going to have words with whoever decided that a mandatory part of the knights’ everyday patrol wear is going to be massive red things tied around their necks. It’s a serious thing that he’s run into at least four times. It’s getting a little ridiculous.

Anyway, they’re not wearing those this time, because this is a casual hunt for only the king and his most trusted. Also known as: Arthur the prat is getting tired of being a prat in the castle and wants to go be a prat outside.

Also also known as: court life is hard and the knights—and Merlin—can see Arthur getting tired. So they drag him out to the woods where he can’t escape any of their snark because “There’s no one else here but us, Princess, get used to it.”

Merlin knows Arthur well enough to know he’s secretly very, very grateful for it.

You wanna know what he’s probably not grateful for? The inability of one of their hunts to go without running into at least one mess of bandits after an easy raid.

One hunt, just one. Please.

Merlin doesn’t even like hunts. He just likes not being in the citadel all the time.

He ducks swiftly behind a tree as a bandit takes a wild swing at him with his sword, getting it lodged in the trunk next to him. Merlin’s eyes go wide as the bandit rips it out again with a vicious snarl, drool leaking from his lips as he grins angrily at Merlin. His nose wrinkles as he smells the bandit’s breath.

“Ugh, you’re worse than Arthur in the morning.”

He uses the bandit’s momentary confusion to blast him across the clearing into a tree, knocking him out.

“So Arthur in the morning, huh?”

Merlin rolls his eyes as Gwaine blocks another sword. “Listen, if you want to try and get the prat out of bed, you be my guest.”

“And deprive you of that honor?” Gwaine smirks. “Not on your life.”

Merlin opens his mouth to make some snappy remark when he notices four bandits rushing at them over Gwaine’s shoulder.

“Look out!”

He sends Gwaine to the side with a blast of magic, ignoring the shout of protest. The bandits get closer, swords raised high, one of them letting out a vicious cackle.

Merlin sighs. Honestly.

He raises his hand and sends them all flying backward, smiling a little at the way the vicious cackle turns into a whine that would’ve made the runt of the new litter of dogs ashamed. The bandits lie on the ground, dazed, swords lying all across the clearing.

“Merlin!”

Merlin glances over, seeing Arthur rushing at him. He barely has time to turn before Arthur’s bowling into him, hugging him so tightly he panics for a second that Arthur’s under some sort of enchantment trying to kill him. Only to realize no, this is just his prat hugging him because he’s scared.

“I’m fine, Arthur.”

“There were four of them, you—clot pole!”

“That’s my word.”

“Yes, and it suits you perfectly! Merlin, you could’ve been killed!”

Merlin makes a show of looking around at himself, still fully intact, then back up at a panting Arthur. “I think I’m all in one piece, sire.”

“Don’t you ‘sire’ me, Merlin, you—“

“Did Arthur just admit that he likes it when I don’t refer to him with the proper titles?” Merlin glances around at the other knights that are trying valiantly not to laugh. “Did I just hear that right?”

“That’s what I heard.”

“Me too.”

“I mean we all knew it.”

“It’s taken him this long to figure it out.”

Leon simply shrugs. That man’s ability to keep a straight face is something Merlin will always respect and never understand. But he has gotten very good at spotting the way Leon will wink surreptitiously at him when he’s amused. Like now.

“Alright, alright, enough,” Arthur mutters, sheathing his sword and wrapping his arms tightly around Merlin again. “Don’t do that.”

“What, take care of all of our enemies really easily?”

“Scare me.”

“And now you’re admitting that you get scared when I’m in danger?”

“Only because I know Gwen would have my head.”

“Ah, yes, because Gwen is like that.”

Arthur glares at him. There’s a flash of something behind his eyes. Merlin spots it.

“I’m fine,” he murmurs, too quiet for the others to hear, “and I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“You’d better be.”

“Alright, lovebirds,” Gwaine calls loudly to various laughs, “let’s go. There are still tracks here.”

Arthur looks back at Merlin. “You’re riding next to me.”

“You say that as if I don’t already ride next to you.”

“Shut up.”

3: Fall

Okay so listen: when you chase people around the castle, they inevitably look for a way out. And if they’re high up, they’re going to go for a window if they get desperate enough.

Yes? Everyone on the same page?

Wonderful.

So Merlin’s currently falling out of a window.

In his defense, there was a rogue sorcerer who hadn’t realized that the ban on magic had been lifted and Uther isn’t king anymore skulking around the citadel. Merlin’s best guess is that they were imprisoned somewhere and only just got free, otherwise they’d’ve known. And, well, they tried to explain that magic is legal now—he’s so proud of Gwen and Arthur, really.

Someone just burst into their chambers in the middle of the knight and Gwen had been out of bed, offering him a drink and sitting down while Arthur asked the guards if they could bring food. They’d told him the ban had been lifted and that he was free to practice magic now. Then Merlin had shown up and asked what was going on and apparently, they’d taken it as a challenge? That Merlin—the Court Sorcerer—was going to arrest them for practicing magic.

In their defense, it was the middle of the night. Not in their defense, come on.

So they’d run, promising to bring down the walls of the castle. Merlin had rolled his eyes because he just got here, and taken off after him. They’d run around the top floors of the castle for a while, trying to figure out first, where the stairs were, and second, what the bloody hell was going on.

Then the sorcerer had jumped out a window. Sure. Alright.

Unluckily for him, when he’d broken the glass, a large shard had decided to make its home in his chest and he was dead before he hit the ground. Merlin, not realizing precisely what the plan was—when had he ever?—jumped after him, only to realize that there is in fact, no courtyard over here, just empty air until the cold stone of the square below.

So, falling.

It’s surprisingly peaceful, as a way to go. Time to enjoy the view, a good reminder that they should really make sure there’s someone at the front gate, and Merlin simply closes his eyes and concentrates.

There.

At the last possible minute, he slows, reaching almost a stop, before letting himself drop the last few feet to land harmlessly on the ground. Well. That could’ve gone better.

“Merlin!”

“Right on time,” he mutters, getting himself to his feet, and brushing off the little pieces of glass, looking up to see Gwen leaning out of the window.

“Yes, Your Majesty?”

“Oh, thank god,” she calls, “you’re alright. Now get up here, this instant.”

He grins, sweeping into a low bow before heading up the stairs. He opens the door to their quarters and is promptly yanked inside and into an embrace.

“Hello, Gwen,” he says softly, “it’s good to see you too.”

“Good to see—Merlin,” Gwen scolds, "you could’ve been hurt.”

“But I wasn’t.”

“That doesn’t make it any better!” Gwen wipes her face and oh…oops.

“I’m alright Gwen,” he says quietly, “really.”

It’s late. It’s the middle of the night and it’s dark and Gwen just had to put on every single ounce of royal charm she has, and watch Merlin take a fall that would’ve killed pretty much everyone else. As he watches, her queenly mask starts to break as she keeps a hold of his sleeve, dragging him to the table and setting a plate of food aside, glaring at him.

“Are you hurt?”

“Not at all, my lady.”

“Don’t. Not now, Merlin. Not while I’m this worried.”

“I wasn’t trying to,” he demurs, lifting his hands in surrender, “but really, Gwen, I’m not hurt. I’ve been practicing that spell, it won’t—“

“You’ve been practicing?” Merlin winces as Gwen draws herself up taller. “So you regularly throw yourself from great heights?”

“No, I just jump off my bed.”

“Off your bed?”

“The point is that I slow immediately when the spell takes effect,” Merlin says, “so I don’t need very much distance from the floor.”

She folds her arms and stares at him. “So what you’re saying is this is the first time you’ve done it from a great height and you weren’t sure it was going to work?”

Merlin’s hesitation gives her all the answers she needs.

“Gods, Merlin,” she mumbles, slumping into a chair and covering her face, “you’re going to scare me to death one of these days.”

“Nah. I’ll save you from that.”

“How, by doing some equally death-defying stunt?”

Merlin grins and takes her hand. “No. By not letting you see it.”

“Merlin…”

He relents, opening his arms and letting her give him another hug. He squeezes back firmly, trying to communicate that he’s here, he’s safe, and it’s okay.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” Gwen whispers eventually, “and I’m glad that everything…worked out. We do need to make sure that the sorcerers no longer feel the need to live in fear…”

Merlin chuckles as he feels Gwen’s brow furrow against his shoulder, probably already drafting things to do.

“Not tonight, Your Majesty,” he scolds gently, pushing her toward the bed, “you need rest.”

“Mm.”

“Where’s Arthur?”

“Probably looking for you,” Gwen murmurs as she slides back beneath the covers, “so you have to stay up until he gets back.”

“…and so he can yell at me too, hmm?”

Gwen snuggles into her pillow and smiles.

4: Stab

So.

Uh, Merlin doesn’t really know how they got here this time.

Because—right, well, it’s not really a secret that Merlin is very close to both Gwen and Arthur. It’s just not. Anyone with a pair of eyes who can walk into Camelot and see them is going to figure it out. Even Uther realized it.

Merlin will never forget the way Arthur burst out laughing when he told him what Uther said to Merlin that day before the tournament, looking up with tears in his eyes and just managing to gasp: “you’re telling me that you and I got my father’s blessing before Gwen and I even started seeing each other?”

Yes. Yes, he is.

Anyway, the point is, Gwen, Merlin, Arthur, they’re very close.

Also something that should be fairly obvious to anyone who’s been to Camelot in the last little bit of time is that one: magic is legal. Two: Merlin is Court Sorcerer.

Get it? Wonderful. So.

The man who is currently holding Merlin hostage with a sword to his throat knows that Merlin is important to Gwen and Arthur. He doesn’t seem to realize that Merlin is Court Sorcerer.

How those two things are not the first two things he realized Merlin does not understand. Honestly, he’s going to chalk that up to why he’s too startled by the fact that he’s got people coming at him with a sword to do anything about it. The sheer inability of those facts to reconcile in his brain prevents him from taking any action.

Honestly, he’s still figuring that out. Enough so that it takes him a while to realize that Leon is desperately trying to signal him and ask if he’s alright.

He gives back the okay and Leon’s expression morphs into one of soft exasperation. To everyone else, it probably doesn’t look like Leon’s face has changed at all, but they haven’t spent several council meetings with the man trading insults only through shifts in micro-expressions.

It’s quite entertaining, especially when they start to get really, really creative.

Anyway. Sword. Throat. Yes.

He’s not sure why currently being held hostage. Someone who wants something, probably. That’s generally why people get taken hostage, right? The sword presses a little closer and Merlin makes an effort to focus.

“Do this,” Arthur warns, his own sword out, “and you will never leave Camelot alive.”

“What good is Camelot,” the man scoffs, “if it allows for the devilish act of witchcraft and sorcery that will poison it from the inside?”

“You’re wrong.”

“Maybe,” the man snarls, spittle flying from his lips, “but not nearly as stupid as you.”

Arthur glances at Merlin. Merlin nods.

“Let him go,” Arthur says again, “and this might yet end well.”

The man throws his head back and cackles, the sword nudging insistently at his throat. Merlin winces. That was loud.

“This won’t end well,” the man says through his giggles, “and you know it.”

“Then let him go.”

“Alright,” the man snickers, “but you’ll have to give me a head start.”

Gwaine snarls, even as Arthur holds firm.

“I make you no promises.”

“I know. That’s why I’m giving myself a head start.”

Merlin’s about to wonder what the hell that means only for the sword to drive into his stomach.

Ah. That’s not ideal.

He slumps to the ground as the man lets him go, hearing the screams from the servants gathered in the hall and the shouts from the knights. He feels the breeze as they rush past him, two remaining behind to immediately put pressure on the wound and get him upright, wrapping his stomach tightly and promising that he’s going to be alight.

“‘Lyan?”

“Yeah, Merlin,” Elyan mutters, “it’s me. Leon’s here too, we’ve got you.”

“You’ll be alright, yes?” Leon whips off the bloodied tunic. “You will be fine.”

“Sit m’ up.”

They do, propping him up against the wall as the servants quickly rush for Gaius, for hot water, for bandages. Someone—maybe Malwen—sets a bowl at Leon’s elbow, followed by the quick assurances that Gaius is on his way.

Merlin closes his eyes and concentrates, trying to remember the few times Gaius tried to teach him about basic anatomy. Listen, it’s not that he wasn’t paying attention, it’s just that he—

Yeah, no, he wasn’t paying much attention.

Listen, like…three different people were trying to kill Arthur that day. He was preoccupied.

Stab wound. Right.

Merlin takes a deep breath, ignoring the way the breath aches and wheezes as it travels into him, and starts to gently draw magic from the well in his chest toward the stab wound. He feeds it slowly, trying not to overexert himself, just enough to staunch and stop the bleeding until Gaius can get here.

Something clatters to the floor next to him and he barely looks over enough to see Arthur.

“Stay still,” Arthur murmurs frantically, fussing with his tunic, “you’ll be alright Merlin, I promise, you’re going to be alright.”

Merlin knows, but he’s busy right now, so he can’t really talk back.

“It’s going to be alright,” Arthur repeats, over and over, “Merlin, you’re going to be alright.”

He manages to look over, catching sight of Arthur’s hair a mess, his eyes wild, his mouth a hard line. Arthur glances up from his slightly trembling hands and catches his gaze, doing his best to put on a brave smile. He reaches out and cups Merlin’s face gently.

“It’s going to be alright,” he says softly, speaking as much to both of them as he can, “you’re going to be alright, Gaius will fix you up, and then I can worry about how to make sure you’re safe, so this never happens again.”

His mouth quirks when something flits across Merlin’s face.

“If you try and tell me you can take care of yourself,” he admonishes gently, “I am going to remind you that you currently have quite the stab wound.”

One that Merlin is handling quite well, actually, thank you very much.

“I know you’d rather it be you than us,” Arthur whispers, laying his forehead against Merlin’s, “but you—you can’t just let this happen to you, Merlin, you’ll…”

He swallows, his eyes drifting shut.

“…you’ll break my heart.”

A surge of magic shoots through Merlin at Arthur’s hushed confession, filling the wound with a burning glow. Merlin leans forward as much as he can, resting his own weight on the wall and on Arthur. Arthur holds him gladly, muttering that he can’t wait until Merlin’s better so he can scold him for being so reckless.

Well, when Merlin figures out how the man didn’t realize he was magic, he’ll have one hell of a defense. Who knows, Arthur might get a kick out of it too.

5: Plague

At some point, Merlin thinks as he heaves another stone out of the way, we’re going to stop coming across cursed objects. There has to be a limit. There just has to be.

This one has a plague attached to it because of course, it does. The entire citadel had been overrun with shadow demons that could only be seen by one person, everyone jumping at every little sound, unsure of whether they were seeing real people or the figments of their nightmares. What made things far worse is that some of them could be seen by multiple people and some of them couldn’t. So you could never be sure whether people would believe what you were seeing.

Someone called this the Plague of the Shadow Cat.

Gaius had gone into the books, trying to figure out a solution. Turns out the only way was to go to this cavern out in the middle of nowhere and destroy these four totems that allowed the Shadow Cat passage, in order to break the curse. The problem was that the cavern was in the middle of a massive forest that no one wanted to go close to.

Merlin had sighed and packed his bags.

As it turns out, the forest was designed to keep people out of it—reasonable—and used magic to twist someone’s fears to keep them at bay. You know what Merlin has? Magic.

It was easier than it would’ve been for anyone else, surely, which is good. What isn’t good is that Merlin still has to survive going through this massive forest. He’s had enough of dried meat and berries for a long time, thank you very much.

After about a day or two of walking and not getting lost, he’s just being thorough, he reaches the entrance of the cavern. It’s piled high with rocks from what looks like a collapse, and starts trying to get them out of the way. Unfortunately, most of his magic is going to keeping the nightmares at bay, meaning he can’t really risk using it to get these stones out of his way lest he let the nightmares in.

He’s had enough nightmares for a lifetime already.

He grunts as he heaves another one out of the way. Honestly. Is there a checklist he can look at with all the cursed objects in the world? They’ve got to be at least halfway done at this point, come on. It’s been years.

At last, he manages to get the stones out of the way and ventures into the cavern. Around the twists and turns he reaches the center, seeing the four totems. He snaps his fingers to create a light, peering at each one. It seems as if he’s just going to have to disenchant them. Well, that won’t be too hard.

And…it isn’t. Huh. That’s a little anti-climactic.

He’s sure if he had to battle his way past his greatest fears and the Shadow Cat was actually here fighting him, this would be a lot harder. But, it’s not, so here he is, all done. Now he just has to get back through the forest. Ugh.

Merlin rides back into Camelot to see the people in the streets, happy, content, not afraid. He smiles, letting their joy wash some of the forests off of him. He slides off Cara and puts her away, wiping her down and giving her as many treats as the stable master will let him. He makes it back inside, to Gaius’s chambers, ready to throw open the door triumphantly and announce he’s fixed it!

The second he opens it to see Gwen and Arthur he freezes.

“…hello.”

“Hello, Merlin,” Arthur says softly, and oh shit he’s in trouble, “did you travel well?”

“A little damp, if I’m being…” He trails off when Arthur shoots him a look. “Yes. I did.”

Arthur nods sharply, leaning against the table and folding his arms.

“The curse is broken,” he tries, letting the door shut behind him, “and I don’t think it’ll ever come back.”

“That’s good, Merlin,” Arthur says in a tone of voice that suggests anything but, “that’s very good.”

Merlin nods hesitantly, glancing at Gwen. Gwen doesn’t look back at him, her eyes fixed on the vase of flowers in front of her. She withdraws one and holds it gently in her hands, turning toward Merlin, expressionless. Merlin fights the urge to flinch as she finally looks up at him.

“Do you know,” she says and this time Merlin does flinch, Gwen’s never sounded that cold before, “what happened the last time you vanished without telling us?”

Merlin’s heart drops to the pit of his stomach.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

“I’m sorry,” he says, starting forward, “I didn’t realize—I—“

“No, Merlin,” Gwen says, still cold, “you don’t realize.”

“We trust you, Merlin,” Arthur continues, “but that doesn’t mean that you can just leave, in the middle of a plague, on a mission that could get you killed without saying goodbye.”

“You don’t get to decide that it’s worth it,” Gwen says before Merlin can interrupt, “and you certainly don’t get to decide that we don’t deserve a chance to say goodbye.”

Merlin deflates, their words striking his chest with such ferocity that for a moment, he wonders if this is the fear he’s meant to face. “I’m…I’m sorry, I just…I knew I could do it.”

He closes his eyes. “I have to protect Camelot, protect you.”

“We know, Merlin,” Gwen says, her voice finally softening just a little, “but you don’t realize that we have to protect you too.”

Arthur walks forward, lifting Merlin’s chin. Merlin stares at him, desperately wanting Arthur to smile. Something.

“You’re the most powerful sorcerer to walk the earth,” Arthur says instead, “but you’re still our Merlin. So we worry.”

“I know.”

“So,” Arthur says, giving him a gentle nudge, “don’t do that.”

“You may be nearly immortal, but we’re not,” Gwen adds, coming over to take his hand too, “and you will give us more reason to stress than any of the things you stop put together.”

Merlin looks back and forth between the two of them. “So you’re not…angry?”

“Oh, of course we are.”

Merlin winces, only for Arthur to pull him into a tight hug, his head tucking over Merlin’s shoulder.

“Completely furious,” he murmurs, nuzzling into Merlin’s neck, “aren’t we, Gwen?”

“Absolutely.” Merlin feels Gwen wrap her arms around him as well. “Totally and utterly furious.”

Merlin wriggles halfheartedly in their grasp. “I’m not getting out of this anytime soon, am I?”

“No. This is your punishment. Stay put.”

“…fine.”

+1: Cold

“No, Arthur,” Merlin grunts, shoving the prat back into bed, “stay, I will get you the soup.”

Arthur pouts, looking every bit a sad golden puppy in his read blanket as Merlin bustles about the room. “I can stand, Merlin.”

“No, you can’t, you’re sick. Now shush and eat.”

From the other room comes a sneeze that is far too close to the door.

“Gwen, you’d better be in bed when I come in there!”

He hears the quick pitter-patter of footsteps as he crosses the room to the other chambers, hands on his hips as Gwen glances up, guiltily letting the covers drop on top of her.

“I’m in bed,” she says, holding up her hands, “see?”

“Yes, I can see,” Merlin huffs, “but you have to stay there. You’re sick.”

“It’s just a cold, Merlin, I’m—I’m—“

Gwen is cut off by another spectacular sneeze.

“…handkerchief?”

Merlin rolls his eyes and offers her one, watching as she blows her nose and shakes out her curls. If Arthur’s the puppy, she’s the kitten, startling herself with the force of her own sneezes.

“What were you so desperate to get out of bed for?”

“The book on my desk,” Gwen mumbles, reaching for it, “I wanted to—“

“Keep working.”

“No!” At Merlin’s knowing look, she makes a face. “…maybe.”

Merlin sighs. “I will get you a book, but you promised you wouldn’t try to work like this.”

“But I’m fine.”

“Yes, and I notice your sneezes didn’t interrupt you this time.”

“Merlin, I am alright.”

“Yes, so let’s have you stay in bed and rest until you’re better, hmm?”

He hears a clang from the other room. He narrows his eyes at Gwen who blinks innocently at him. Without breaking eye contact, he waves his hand.

“Hey!”

“Get your arse back in bed, sire.”

“I’m fine, Merlin.”

Merlin raises his eyebrows at Gwen. “Will you stay while I get your husband back in bed, please?”

“…if you bring me the book on the desk, I will.”

Merlin glances over and waves his hand. Gwen’s poetry book—not her work book—flies into his hand and he gives it to her.

“All yours.”

“Merlin, that’s not—“

“You surely weren’t trying to work were you?” He raises his eyebrows. “Because that would be a bad idea.”

Gwen pops open the book and buries her nose in it. “…thank you, Merlin.”

“You are most welcome. Now you,” he announces, striding back to see Arthur trying to open the now magically locked door, “will go back to bed.”

“Gaius said we were fine, Merlin,” Arthur pouts, “so we can go.”

“Gaius also said that I was in charge, so you’ll go back to bed.”

“Well, I’m the King.”

“And I’m the Court Sorcerer.” Merlin lifts his hand, letting a little of his magic swirl around his hand. “Which means you should get back in bed.”

“Threatening a king is treason, Merlin.”

“Yes, yes, and I’m sure the knights would be thrilled,” Merlin replies dryly, shooing Arthur back to bed, “now you will stay put.”

He doesn’t quite swaddle Arthur in the blanket but it is a close thing. Arthur just grumbles a little, reaching out and grabbing Merlin’s tunic and dragging him down onto the bed too. “Then you stay.”

“I have to get your medicine.”

“Have the guards do it.” Arthur snuggles into his tunic. “You stay.”

Merlin resigns himself to his fate, curling around his king. Arthur rumbles happily, nuzzling into Merlin’s neck.

“That’s the last time I let you two go out for picnics in the moonlight,” Merlin grumbles to himself, “look at what’s happened to you.”

“Now you know how we feel,” Arthur mumbles sleepily.

“You realize that we are now even for all of the things I’ve done, then.”

“Oh, no. Not even close.”

“Shut up and go to sleep, sire.”

[tt205]

UNCONDITIONALLY

LAN XICHEN x READER

Summary: Your somewhat boyish behavior always bothered many , especially now whole of Gusu Lan Clan was pissed with you . Sharing feelings with Lan Xichen is something that brought you quite close this days . Will love be enough to cover up all of your 'flaws' ?

Requested? : YES by rozesdanze and I'm apologizing again for this late upload .

WARNINGS: minor cursing, low self esteem , slight bullying nothing that may trigger you too much .

Words count : 3.440

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

You always were a free spirited person , not caring much about what everyone gotta say and just minding your own business while offering a helping hand where it was needed .

It was your nature , something you couldn't change.

Sometimes people told you to be more "feminine " or "act like a girl of your age " your somewhat boyish behavior bothering them .

You didn't mind it at all .

You grew up with only male friends except for Jiang Yanli and that's why you have adopted this 'strange for a girl ' behavior .

Everything was fine until you entered The Gusu Lan Clan Sect's area in the Cloud Recesses.

Your not so much disciplined ways of living bothered Lan Qiren and the rest of the ladies , that were supposed to be studying there and not gossip around .

It firstly started as comments now and then " dress like a girl " " style your hair like a girl " " why are you not wearing your hairpins ?" And such .

You brushed off the first couple of weeks but when the whole student community started making fun of you , you couldn't take it any more .

Your pride was indeed hurt .

If Wei Wuxian wasn't there you would have left this hell of a place and return back in Yumeng Clan, your hometown.

He was supportive as always , reassuring you that everything was fine with you and that you didn't have to change yourself in order to be accepted by others .

Your own self is what makes you unique.

If someone doesn't likes your real self then they dont deserve being with you .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

You passed through the hallways trying to get in class when a group of so-good-for-nothing girls blocked your way .

A short girl two years older than you spoke first with this high pitched voice that make you want to slap her straight in the face "oh y/n I pity you so much .. how will you be able to find a good match in the future with such a poor manner set ? Tsts" she chuckled making your eyes go wide at her rudeness.

"I'm sure I will have more possibilities to find one than you .. I may not have the good manners you are claiming to have yourself but at least i am not rude with people i know nothing about " you answer her back bowing your head and trying to move through them .

"Move !" You ordered one of her side chicks Ling the stupid one .

" Oh my goodness.. this is not a way a lady should talk to another y/n " another one of her bitches talked.

You glared at her trying to push Ling to the side.

" why are you even talking to her Feng ? She cant even walk in a proper way yet not even get dressed up as a lady of her status she is a waste of time .. better let her become a puppet of her stupid friend the Yiling Patriarch-- "

"If you ever curse on Wei Wuxian in front of me I ll make sure to shut your mouth with my fist ! He is not making puppets to your information he is just controlling the Yin iron with skills you wish you could have ! Now move out of my sight !" You tell them totally pissed of .. you grab your sword case trying to put some sense in them but they dont seem to mind

" Stupid bitch no one will ever love you in this way ! Every one will pity your for being an unmarried pathetic bitch! In the end even your own family will abandon you - oh I forgot you've got none! " She curses at you and you feel like something is twisted to your core .

2 thing are what you hate the most 1. having people pitying you or telling you that they do and 2. People talking about your family .

That's it , before giving it a second thought you uncover your cased sword harshly .

You move it to your untied hair grabbing a fistful of them before moving the blade on them.

" 1st of all you are not even in the place to think about my family lowly peasant! Do you think that no one in here knows about your relationship with an already married man? " you ask her and she widens her eyes .

"secondly this is for you ! I'm a woman of my status and none my hair , clothing or manners can prove it otherwise! At least I'm not someone's slut!" You close your eyes before moving the blade in one sift motion and cutting half of your hair's length shortening it to shoulder's length.

"Now fuck off and don't dare to look at my direction again emptyheaded bitch!" You scream at her throwing all the hair on her face before making your way back to your room .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

3 hours have passed since the incident and no one has reached for you yet .

"Good" you thought, because reconsidering your action you've broken more that 6 of Gusu lan clan's rules and show disrespect to your rank status by cutting your hair .

Before realizing it you heard someone knocking on your door "shit" you cursed in your brain , moving to the doorframe and opening the door only to come face to face with the Clan-leader-to-be Lan Xichen.

You bowed your head , forcing a smile on as you rubbed your hands together to sooth your embarrassment, way too shy to look your 'crush' to the eyes .

"Greeetings Zewu Jun " you said moving aside and making room for him to enter .

"Lan Qiren asked me to bring you to him" he said the smile that always hugged his features non apparent anymore.

"Your uncle?" You asked wishing to get a 'no' as an answer..

"Unfortunately yes !" He said looking down the floor .

After putting on your cloaks , you both made your way out of your room and moved to Lan Qiren's residence.

After a really long chat with him you were free to go NOT REALLY .

He asked Xichen to take you himself to the library in order to make 1.500 copies of the latest book he bought this year.

You sighed again in the thought of the pain your arm will have after finishing this task , only to earn one of Xichen's concerned glances .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

As soon as seating down to your used by many times spot , you grabbed the pen and deeped it into the new-cut ink .

5 hours passed since you first started copying books and despite having nothing actually to do xichen seemed rather occupied.

You gave him a questionable look as you leaned your head in your hands looking to his place .

"You knew that this was going to put you in trouble y/n , why doing such a thing just to prove them wrong?" You raised your head upon hearing this words leaving Xichen's mouth , not formality in them , just casual talking.

" they have been getting on my nerves for more than 2 months I couldn't bear it -" you tried to explain yourself but he interrupted you

" You could have just come to me right from the beginning!" He looked pissed and you sifted in you seat shivering from the tone in his voice .

This man surely had some nerve in him, being more than a head taller than you was something that from the very start make it clear that you could better not get in any trouble with him .

Seeing his genuine and kind nature made you loose down your walls , allowing your heart to form feelings for him and now you are here unable to form a single word without stuttering in between.

" Y/n ? Cant you see it ?" He asked and you gave him a confused face in defense .

"What do you mean-?"

" I - i do care about you y/n , watching the others making your life a living hell including my uncle drives me crazy ! I tried so many times to show you how i feel about you just to give you a shelter, a safe place but you are not getting it " he sighed to himself clearly frustrated.

He removed a strand of hair out of his face looking to your not so calm face that was by now painted in a really deep shade of read .

Being the lil tease he secretly is , he wanted to get you even more freaked out by little .

He looked into your eyes with this calm face of his while saying " I love you y/n " and then returning to his desk and grabbing back his pen .

" I love you too " you said loud enough to even have the bunnies hear too outside , the silence inside the room making an echo to your voice .

In quick realization you moved your palm to your mouth clapping it fast and shutting down the curses about your stupidity that were ready to spill out .

" What ?" He asked in a teasing tone lifting his body higher and then sitting up completely moving to your place until he was studying right in front of you hovering some heads above you and then repeating then same question calmly.

This drove you crazy .

" How can a person be so calm in a situation like that ? " you screamed out loud mostly to yourself before reaching in front you and pinching the skin of his lower thigh .

You looked up to his face as he let out a high peached scream of pain "Lan Xichen you are driving me insane!"

You pinched him again with both hands now only to have him beg to be left in peace "Please y/n don't do this ! " he half laughed half screamed for the poor skin of his legs before reaching down and grabbing both your wrists once you didn't stop after his begs.

You squirmed in his grip before he moved both wrists to his lips , kissing the skin there and putting them back down the surface of your desk .

Your mouth was hanging open , such a big skin contact all of sudden leaving you shooked.

" I have done 14 copies of the book you are copying.. I'm taking a break for now but I'm returning back in 15 minutes straight! You continue your work little girl " he said before blinking his eye to you and moving out of the library .

"Excuse me ?! " you screamed as loud as you could looking both to your wrists and his distant form .

"This man is gonna drive me crazy sooner than I thought " you told yourself before returning to your work .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

It's been 4 days since you started dealing with your punishment and you already have 276 copies ready to go but way more many on the way .

Today is a special day for Gusu lan Clan and it's students so it's the perfect opportunity for you to take a break tonight.

Gusu Lan Clan's biggest has come and you are now getting ready to attention the lantern festival with Wei Wuxian been apart for so many days making you miss him to death .

A sudden knock on the door made you jump on your spot .

Waiting for Wuxian you opened without asking for the person outside.

To your huge surprise there was not Wei Wuxian but Lan Xichen .

" I'm allowed to go in the festival today ! I asked your uncle this morning! You cannot keep me here- " you rushed to say to afraid of loosing your only chance out .

" I'm here to take you out myself so that you can return to the library straight after the ceremony finishes , my uncle has no intention searching for you so he sent me to make sure that there will be no way for you to sneak out " he said calmly giving you a teasing smile .

You looked around searching for Wei Wuxian but there you found him next to Lan Wangji holding a paper lantern together.

You giggled at the view of Wuxian's flashed cheeks when his hand touched Wangji's accidentally.

The moment when all of the lighting lanterns had to fly to the sky arrived so you moved to catch the one in front of you but regretted it at the sight of Xichen doing the same .

You felt shy at your silly mistake don't understanding that the lantern wasn't for you but for him and you bowed in discomfort cursing to yourself for making you look even more stupid to him .. your fucking crush .

" I think this is for the both of us y/n " he told you taking your hands in his making you catch some part of the paper .

" Every one can make a wish as their lantern will make their way up ! I'm sure that each and every wish of yours will be fulfilled in the near future and luck will always saw a good face to you and your loved ones ! This year was one of educational progress, health and wisdom. I hope that all of you will follow the path we Gusu Lan Clan taught you about , a path of righteousness, fairness and virtue. Now I'll count up to 5 so all of you will have to prepare your lanterns! " Lan Qiren announced making you look around for some fire to put in the light .

"One" he started

"Two" the lantern was ready to go so you thought about making a wish

" I wish y/n would give me a chance to prove my sincere feelings for her while living and following the path of the good , avoiding the sinful road and having zero regrets. " the man next to you whispered mostly to himself with closed eyes as he hold onto your lantern tightly.

Your eyes blinked twice the having the man you wish to call yours one day admitting his feelings again .

" I wish I'll become a woman of my status so I can let myself be loved by the man I love without minding if I'll ruin his reputation with my inappropriate image " you whispered to both to him and to yourself, admitting how you really felt with this complicated situation .

You didn't want to change yourself, no not at all, but you just hopped the time could change you into what you could call ideal woman , wife , without feeling much pain in the progress.

It was true , him loving you would ruin his and the Gusu Lan Clan's reputation .

The future Clan Leader having feelings for a punk?

A girl with no manners?

Without a family and depending only on Yumeng Sect and her uncle ?

Sometimes you wished you were different, somewhat like your cousin Yanli but no , in the end you wouldn't be you , you would be someone fake .

You would be someone even more miserable.

You are clearly confused by now .

Shall I change and become what the world around me wants to or be myself and let them talk shit without minding a bit ?

The 1st one is the easy way , but the 2nd one is what will make you struggle but be you at the very last .

"Three " Lan Qiren spoke as you tried to regain your composure and focus .

"Four " all of the disciplines lifted their lanterns up readying them once more .

"Y/n would you like to be the person I call home from now on ?" Xichen asked you .

"I can't-"

" Yes you can ! If there is love in between everything can be worked out !" He cut you

" Is there any love from your side y/n ?" He asked you and you didn't want a second more to know the answer

"Yes there is "

" See ? There is no reason you can't let me love you , call you mine , make you the person I want to return after the storm . I want to be the person you need , you love , I want to be your everything, would you allow me to do that ? "

" Don't you mind I'm who I am ? "

"Five! Let them go and fly high " Lan Qiren called and you did as you were told

"No , I don't . I love you for who you really are y/n not for who I want you to be " Xichen said making you look down the floor to afraid to be loved but at the same time loose who you really love .

"I really like you , no I can say that I love you , everything you do . And all I want is to protect and take you home with me .

Will you come and live in Gusu with me ?

I wanna be with you forever and even though it's really early to say would you like to marry me one day ?

I'm sure that even though you are not my uncle's favorite person out there he will accept the fact that we want to be together.

We can call your uncle to come and set a marriage for us in the years to follow .

I will give you as much time as you feel like taking but I want to make my feelings clear to you from the very beginning.

Would you like to marry me and be the next Gusu Lan Clan's Leader wife ? " he asked always to rushed as his cheeks took a red color painting his pale skin .

"Yes I would love to ! Even if i could marry every man on earth you would be my one and only choice in every lifetime and every dimension I could live , I would choose you again"

You answer him with a little smile in the end as both of you hugged gaining glares from all the people around you .

" Does this mean that we are official?" He asked

"I guess so " you told his hiding you face in his strong torso .

" FELLOW HUMANS IM GETTING MARRIED TO MY BELOVED Y/N I WISH YOU ALL CAN MAKE IT TO OUR MARRIAGE IN THE NEAR FUTURE !" He screamed making you punch him lightly in his lower abdomen as he fake screamed in pain .

" That means that we will be siblings by law y/n?" Wuxian asked while jumping his way to your derection happily

" What do you mean A-Xian?" You asked confused .

" We are getting married too brother !" Lan Wangji said as both yours and Xichen's jaw dropped open .

" Congratulations!" Both of you screamed out loud as you went hugging them .

The four of you hugged while jumping together but then there he came Jiang Cheng.

" That means I'm the only single bird rn? Thanks guys thanks!" He said while glaring at you four .

" No you are not sweetheart!" Nie Huaisang appeared giving Cheng a misiviews smile before hiding his now flashed cheeks behind his fan .

" BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME THAT I'M THAT DESPERATE! I BETTER BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY WEN QING AGAIN RATHER THAN DATING YOU ! " Jiang Cheng screamed in Huiesung's face before storming away in order to search for his short tempered other half Wen Qing .

" There we go again " Wuxian said

" Yes there we go again " you added and the four of you started laughing until tears formed in your eyes and too little oxygen was making it's way into your lungs.

This is the best feeling.

Be with people that you love and love you ,

Without loosing faith in you ,

Without wanting to make you someone else ,

Without wanting to control you

People that love you unconditionally.

————————————————————————————

Please follow & like for more content!

Stay happy & healthy ♡

Be yourself + love yourself.

Hope you enjoyed reading

[liquid-geodes]

B, H, I, L, R, S, T, V, W, Z How did the weird threats start?

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

It was my grandmother because we were visiting her assisted living place but we still cant go inside because of the virus so we sat outside a sliding glass door and talked on the phone with her. It was stupid hot outside but it was worth it.

H - The last person I hugged.

My mom

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

Earlier today for stupid reasons because I can acknowledge that people are allowed to have other friends but my abandonment issues will not grasp the concept

L - If I have siblings.

I have an older sister and a younger brother @monster-from-the-closet

R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities.

God do I even have 10 strange facts-

I'm double jointed in both wrists, my eyes change color for no reason, my hair also changes color in sunlight, I dont bruise when I'm supposed to (like hitting the door handle on my mom's car-) but instead I'll wake up with bruises after nothing has happened, I can feel the same pain as anything I'm looking at (horribly inconvenient for horror movie binges), speaking of horror movies for some reason they dont phase me like they used to, I'm unusually good at packing a LOT of things into a tiny space, I like to keep a stack of napkins on my bookshelf just in case, I'm horribly sentimental over everything (specifically not being able to throw the packaging away from something if it's the first one I've ever gotten), aaaaaaand I've spent over 400 hours playing ONE game

S - 2 habits.

Rocking back and forth if I'm idle for too long and being super annoying with my necklace chains when its too quiet

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

My friends, animals, my family, specifically moths, ceramic chickens

V - 3 big dreams.

To eventually go to a trade school, to eventually be in a healthy relationship, and to be in a better place overall in life

W - An idol.

I actually dont have one surprisingly enough

Z - How did the weird threats start?

I reblogged a "reblog if you want an ominous threat in your ask box" and when I answered I guess it was funny because I got another ask asking if it was okay for them to send one every night and I said sure because it's really fun and it gives me something to look forward to

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[imagine-hamilfluff]

If I Had My Choice: Part 17

Alexander x Female Reader

Part One

Previous Part

Masterlist

A/N: This chapter's a little shorter than usual, but mostly because I can only fit so much angst into one chapter before y'all riot. Things won't start looking up for... awhile, so I guess enjoy this as much as possible!

Tags:@yehummno @robotic-space @isntthisenoughwhatwouldbeenough @unprofessional-inhumanbeing@sorryimacrapwriter @a-meme-you-cant-sweat-out@justanotherhamiltrash@marquiis-de-la-baguette@akarihamada@voldecrux@whowrotetheother51@bruuuhhhh-here-i-am @spideyboipete

The air was thick in the room in the wake of Alexander’s outburst, and you studied the floor pointedly, ignoring the heated gaze you could feel from Philip and Theodosia’s direction.

Finally, feeling as if you were suffocating in that room, you took a wobbly breath, and announced, “I should probably go-”

Before you had even taken your first step out of the room, Philip cried out.

“Y/N, are you serious!” he yelled, his voice an equal mixture of angry and upset. You cringed and hesitated to move towards the door, almost afraid you would bite through your cheek with how tightly your teeth were clench around it to keep you from crying.

You had stopped, accepting your fate, but still refused to look either of them in the eye.

“How could you?” Philip asked, and from the waver in his voice, you could tell he had begun crying. You felt his presence nearing to your side and stiffened your body to remain rigid to any words he might inflict upon you. “How could you not tell us Aremine was the one who kidnapped you?” His voice pleaded with you as he now stood directly in front of you.

Finally risking a glance, your eyes flicked up to his, and immediately you regretted it. The pain and betrayal hurt deeper than you expected. Philip had stood with you through everything the past years, and now he believed (correctly) you had been lying to him for most of it. Against your better judgement, however, you held his eye contact.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” you answered honestly, and Philip looked as if he would break down then and there.

“We are always worried about you, Y/N. You are your mother’s number one target in you live in her house, for god’s sake!” he spat back, and you clench your jaw even tighter. “The one thing--the only thing--that keeps me sane despite that worry is the knowledge that you allow us to protect you in the best ways we can.”

Your expression turned guilty as you stared at Philip sadly, tears escaping from your eyes.

“And I can’t protect you, if you don’t tell us when your in danger,” he finished. You knew he was trying to restrain his tone and make you feel like he wasn’t yelling at you, but you knew he was.

With a shaky sob, you shook your head and shrugged your shoulders. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, it’s just- It’s always been common knowledge to me, before CP began, before we were even friends, that one day Aremine would kill me. I was trying to protect you from that truth; I was trying to do as much good as possible before she won. That’s what all this has been for; that’s why I’ve been fighting all these years,” you managed to explain through the sobs, and Philip took a step back from you, looking at you horrified, as if he didn’t recognize you anymore.

“Well we were not fighting so you could die,” Theodosia declared with venom in her voice, and you turned to face her guiltily. She too had tears streaming down her face as she glared at you angrily. “That might have been the terms you were working under, but we never were. We did not risk our lives to settle this deal with Dmere just so you could throw your life away.”

“A sacrifice had to be made,” you explained weakly. “What we’re trying to do is end a war; sacrifices always have to be made.”

“Then sacrifice your mother!” Theodosia screamed, and you jumped back a little, a sob raking through your body. “She is a monster and you are good, Y/N. I know how much of a pacifist you are, but surely exchanging your life for hers is a clear line of unimpeded morality!”

You sighed frustrated, tired of having this argument, though it was usually just one that happened in your head.

“But then where does the line lie for me!” you exclaimed, and both of your friends gritted their teeth a bit. “Where do I stop being a good person and start becoming a bad one? You are asking me to kill my own mother; regardless of circumstance, that will change me. That will change my morality. Can you honestly promise me I won’t begin to slip after she’s dead? That I will definitely be on the good side for the rest of my life after I kill the Lady of this Sector--my mother--for power?”

“Y/N I understand why you’re worried, but you’re not your mother,” a soft voice came from your side now, and you turned back to Philip. “Your mother is just a despicable human being. She is nowhere near that line of good versus evil. She is just plain evil, you don’t have to-”

“No you aren’t getting it!” you cried out again, and Philip stopped abruptly in the middle of his sentence as you looked at him helplessly. “My mother was good,” you stated quietly, but with force. “She was regarded as the wisest, most kind Lady this Sector has ever seen. She played dolls with me. She took me to pick flowers in the garden. She read me bedtime stories. She loved me unconditionally. And then one day, it was almost unnoticeable, but a small darkness took hold of her heart. And she just-” Your voice trailed off, knowing your friends knew what happened from there.

Your mother became paranoid. Sought help from more and more corrupt people. Let the happiness seep out of her form. Locked your father away in an unvisited corner of the estate. Forbid the use of magic in the kingdom. Sired a child with her chief advisor. Declared war against every other Sector.

Your mother just slipped. And you would die before you would ever do the same.

Clenching your jaw, you let out a long breath, and then looked up at your friends once again.

“I will not kill my mother. And I will not entertain any more discussion on the subject,” you announced steadily, before you turned and swiftly exited the room.

You were grateful that they let you go without a word.

Philip and Theodosia left later that day without another word to you. You watched from you window as their carriage left down the path from your house and tried to reason out any sting of their silent goodbye. You would see them next week for the wedding anyways, you told yourself. It didn’t matter if they were still angry at you for the revelations from earlier in the day.

You pushed down any fears you had that they would never forgive you. You had hurt them, but you hoped they understood where you were coming from. You didn’t want to end things with them on a bad note. They had been your longest friends and most trusted confidants for most of your life.

Deciding to no longer dwell on the what ifs of your future, you pushed yourself up from your window seat, and sighed heavily. You needed to clear your head and distract yourself for awhile. And considering everyone in your life at the moment was angry with and avoiding you, that left pretty much one option for a distraction.

Softly, you padded through the hallways, your feet automatically knowing the path for you to take. As you pushed in the door to the library, you sighed at the sight of it. It looked exactly as it had the day before, but today that was more of a comfort. At least you knew no one would accidentally bother you in here, as no one seemed to step foot in here ever.

You drifted through the stacks of books slowly. At the convent, there was no use for books on politics or science or history. The Charter--the book of your holy gods--was the only book in use, and you had broke eventually, reading the whole thing a total of four times in the past year, for complete lack of anything else to stimulate your mind. Your mentors had been impressed, taking it as a sign of your dedication to your vocation rather than a sign of your utter boredom.

But here, among the shelves you had grown up with, there was a tight familiarity pulling at your chest as your fingers graced over the spines as you walked by. Finally, you settled on a book you had always had the intention to read, but never had gotten around to it, describing the life and accomplishments of Lady Eleanor the Great. You already knew  a great deal on the woman from your lessons growing up, but you knew the author of this particular biography was rather progressive, more so than your studies would have been. You had been hoping to gain more knowledge on her achievements, or at least learn her tale in a different light.

Settling into the chair by the great window overlooking the orchard, you quieted your mind and let yourself have this moment of peace.

Yet a mere twenty minutes into reading, your thoughts were coming back full force. There was so much you still had to prepare for before you returned to the orphanage. So much to be done before Bethany’s wedding. CP, you were convinced, would be in good hands, especially seeing now how capable Bethany was at its helm, though the thought of her being involved in such an organization unsettled you a bit.

You were torn on whether or not you wanted to come clean to Bethany before you-

You cut off the thought and tried to refocus on the biography in your hands, but after rereading the same page four times, you shut it frustrated.

It was still unknown to you what you had to even come clean to Bethany for. You and Alexander, obviously. But did she know about her father? Your father? Your powers?

You decided the last one would be the deciding factor. If she didn’t know you had powers, there would be no reason she would know your father also possessed powers and that she was bastard child for that reason. But how were you ever supposed to figure out if she knew though?

A movement outside the window drew your attention. As if it were a sign from the world, you watched as Alexander walked towards the estate. Letting out long sigh, you dropped the book on the windowsill and ran without thinking it over much more. If you hurried, you could corner Alexander in the foyer.

Even if he was understandably upset at you right now, you were sure he could answer one simple question for you. You would use your final question on it if you had to.

As you raced down the stairs and stumbled into the foyer, you let out a sigh of relief seeing Alexander walking unassumingly through. Noticing the movement at the other end of the room, he glanced up unperturbed, but froze when he saw you standing there, out of breath from your run.

He considered you for a second, and then turned on his heel and began to angrily stalk out of the room without a word.

“Wait, Alexander!” you called out to him, running after him a little desperately. “I’m not trying to-” You cut yourself off to give yourself a little boost of speed and sprint in front of him and block his access to the doorway. You glared at him and he matched your look as your chest heaved, catching your breath. “I just need to know what Bethany knows.”

“She doesn’t know about us!” he yelled out incredulously, as if he were angry you would even ask him about that.

“I know that!” you shot back, getting annoyed with his demeanor. “I meant about CP,” you finally confessed, your voice hushed. “What does she know?”

Alexander stared at you for a moment, his jaw clenched tightly before he finally sighed, looked you in the eye, and responded confidently, “She knows what she needs to know.”

This shot of burst of anger through your body, and he fought not to respond to the fire that now glared at him through your eyes. “She didn’t need to know anything; that’s why I kept her out of it!” you accused, pushing your finger into his chest, and his eyes darkened as he swatted your hand away.

“See this is what you always do!” he exclaimed, taking an intimidating step towards you, forcing to take an unsteady one backwards. “You always underestimate her and try to keep her down.”

You scoffed at his words. “God is that what you think?” you inquired, your eyebrows furrowing into an intense frustration mixed with a bit of disbelief. How could he not see you were trying to protect her? You had always been trying to protect her.

“Yes,” he answered easily. “She is brave and strong and loyal and-”

“You sound like you’re actually in love with her.” The words slipped out and you cut him off before you could think it through. The response was immediate. If you thought Alexander looked angry before, you were very mistaken.

Every inch of his body clenched stiffly and a dark shadow passed over his face. You had the good sense to look a little ashamed of what you had said, but it didn’t help to soften the glowering face in front of you. The face that up until this past week you had only associated with kindness, understanding, and love for the past two years. You swallowed thickly.

“I am actually in love with her,” he responded with finalty. And forcibly pushing past you, he began to walk away.

You felt something shift within you. You had seen him interact with Bethany; you had heard what Philip had told you. And yet, there was something characteristically different about hearing the words from his lips himself.

He was in love with her.

He had moved on.

“No, wait Alexander!” you called out, your voice softer and more desperate, pushing your spilling emotions down further than you had ever pushed them before. You couldn’t let the overwhelming wave of heartbreak that was about to hit you be for nought.

He paused, and after a moment it was clear he was waiting for you to speak again.

“I- I still need to know,” you finally continued after a moment, your voice almost a whisper at this point. “Does Bethany know about my powers?”

You held your breath as you waited for a response, wondering whether he would give you one at all or just walk away.

“No.”

Relief swept through your body, both at the fact that Bethany still was kept safe away from some secrets and that Alexander had at least given her the answer to that question. Before you could comprehend it, however, Alexander pivoted and came marching back up to you, anger ablaze on his face. You cowarded a bit, taking in a shaky breath.

“Your jealousy is ridiculous and insulting,” he began, venom coursing through his voice, and you immediately averted your eyes from his. “You left. You forfeited any claim you have over my heart. You do not get to be hurt.” You clenched your jaw at his words and fought unsuccessfully against the tears building in your eyes. “Do not approach me again,” he continued. “Do not speak to me again. And do not ever insinuate that you still know where my heart lies again. I will tolerate you for the next two weeks on Bethany’s behalf, but after that I will watch gladly as you ride away to your little hiding place again.”

With his final word, he turned and began to walk away again. You watched as he crossed the room, the distance between the two of you growing, and you couldn’t stop the next words desperately falling from your lips.

“What was I supposed to do?”

He turned alarmingly fast at this, his face in a look of rage and disbelief.

“What were you- Not running away was a good start!” he yelled, and it was first time he let you see the tiniest silver of the pain you had inflicted on him when you left. Just a hint in his eyes, you could tell there was a sadness lurking there he had learned to hide for months now. Your heart physically ached at the sight.

Biting your cheek you sighed and called out, “I didn’t run away. I did what had to be done.”

“And the slipping out while I was still sleeping and then lying to me about where you were going was just what? Necessary additions to your plan?” he asked, not even trying to mask the pain in his voice. You swallowed thickly.

“I couldn’t have told you, and you know it,” you reasoned, though at this point, it sounded weak even to you.

“Oh I know it, but not for the reason you think,” he responded, anger seeping back into his voice, and you looked back up at him confused. “So why’d you do it? Why’d you never tell me what your master plan was?”

You consider him for a moment, tears running freely down your face, before you took a shuddering breath. “You would’ve tried to convince me out of it, tell me there was another way,” you explained quietly.

“There was another way.”

“No there wasn’t!” you called back, and his expression hardened a bit at the outburst.

“Yes there was,” he repeated, firmer this time, “and you didn’t tell me about the plan because you knew I would be right. You knew that if you told me, I would convince you out of it.”

“Which would put lives in danger,” you argued back.

“Which would take away your get out of jail for free card,” he responded simply, and you once again furrowed your eyebrows.

“My what-”

“Let us come to an understanding,” he cut you off with a kind of furious calm. “You did not settle on this plan and only this plan because you wanted to end the war and see your mother go down. You wanted to end the war, see your mother go down, and get away with having an affair with your sister’s Choice without ever confronting her about it. And this was the only plan that offered you all three.”

You stared at him, dumbfounded and taken aback. It took you several minutes to even gather your thoughts, let alone comprehend everything he was accusing you of.

He thought you did this just so you could “get away” with hurting Bethany. Thought you just didn’t want to own up to your wrongs and took the easy way out. Gave up your title, your people’s trust, your loved ones, because life got a little bumpy. Because you made a morally questionable mistake and couldn’t take the heat from it.

He thought you did this because of him, when he was the only reason you almost didn’t do it at all.

You were silent for a long while, taking this all in and composing yourself before you spoke.

“Then let us come to this understanding as well,” you finally responded cooly, your eyes flicking up to his with a leveled glare. “I have cared for Bethany far longer than you have, and I will always and have always done anything and everything in my power to protect her. You were the one who flirted with her to gain status, not me. You were the one who was in a Chosen bond with her when you fell in love with another, not me. You were the one who brought her into CP, not me. I have my faults, and I have made mistakes. But the moment I believe it would protect her in any way shape or form to own up to them, I have and will do just that. So don’t you dare insinuate that you care more about her than I do or that my decision making one year ago had anything to do with you.”

When you finished, the two of you were at a standoff, and Alexander was doing a remarkable job at not showing that your words affected him. But you knew him too well, you had memorized him not one year ago. And you could tell.

You crushed him.

And you knew he could see that that hurt you as well. One year apart and the two of you still couldn’t get anything past each other.

“Alexander?” you heard Bethany’s voice call out from the hallway behind him, and immediately the two of your fixed your expressions into those of just pure anger, not wanting Bethany to read into anything. “There you are!” she called out cheerfully. “I was beginning to wonder when I saw you walking up to the state but you never arrived back at the room-”

Her voice cut off when she followed his gaze to you across the room. Her expression immediately hardened and you flinched at the reaction.

Without looking back at Alexander, Bethany waved him off, unperturbed of any standing unfinished between you and him, mumbling, “I need a moment alone with her please, Alexander.”

He hesitated for a second, glancing briefly over to Bethany and then back to you. You offered him a subtle nod, an understanding that they were both still in this for her, before he relented, kissed her on the forehead, and left the room quietly.

When you were left alone in the room with your sister, you had the good sense to know not to speak until she got what was haunting her off her chest.

It came sooner than you thought it would, and much more aggressive as well.

“You lied to me, again,” she gritted out. “And you kept the circumstance of your kidnapping a secret, making Alexander keep it a secret from me in the process!”

You remain silent, knowing nothing you said would comfort your sister at this point.

“God, I just keep trying to get closer to you and all I keep finding are these secrets and lies,” she accused, tears forming in her eyes, and you couldn’t even come up with an argument against that. She was right. And there worse secrets and lies waiting to be uncovered that she couldn’t even fathom.

When you didn’t respond, she continued. “You made a Bond with Mother and expect her to kill you?” she asked, her hurt seeping through her voice, and you shakily swallowed, knowing you deserved whatever she threw at you. “You knew you were kidnapped by Mother and just tried to die? What else are you hiding from me, Y/N? Do I ever get to know who my sister really is?”

You stared at her, unable to answer her question. If you said yes, it would be a blatant lie Bethany could add to her list. If you said no… well the truth might just hurt her too much in this instance.

She watched you carefully and when she realized you weren’t going to respond, she nodded sadly, as if she knew that would be your answer.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so,” she answered herself sadly, tears streaking down her cheeks as she turned to leave.

“Bethany,” you called out, not wanting to leave the conversation like this. Not wanting to be such a disappointment to your sister.

“No, just,” Bethany sighed and trailed off. Finally she looked back up at you, and you could see how tired she was in her eyes. “Not right now,” she pleaded quietly, and you acquiesced and allowed her to leave the room without protest.

You returned to your room numbly and curled up in your bed, wishing to fall asleep right there and then despite not having eaten a bite of food that day. Somehow the knowledge that every single person you cared about actively hated you killed your appetite.

You dreamed you were back in the hard, cold orphanage bed and were relieved to finally be in a place you weren’t constantly hurting someone.

[chaostwofold]

1-41 on the asks? Also gn

1. if you were to have Hanahaki disease, what flowers would you cough up?

Morning glories!! not only are they already my favorite flower, theyre extremely toxic and mean unconditional love! i have a tendency to fall for the wrong people and not realize until after,, BUT thats only half and half!! some people i loved unconditionally and contine to love them and others set me back in the recovery process,,

2. if someone were to catch Hanahaki disease for you, what flowers would they cough up?

Begonias id assume? not only are hanahaki flowers supposed to represent your feelings, they should also represent the person. begonias are known for misfortune, dark/unpleasant thoughts, and caution to new situations. on the flip side, its harmonious communications, understanding, and gratitude.

3. if you were any historic trope, what would you be? (i.e., the knight, the town baker, the witch of the forest, etd.)

hm. well, what about the urchin whos actually a prince? someone who originates from grand places, a great misfortune turns them into something undesirable and possibly bitter, and then when theyre brought back to the light of stability they provide for those who are in the same situation as he was

4. tell us about your ideal battle outfit

im long range magic tactics and healing always bc im too afraid of conflict :pensive: but the closest thing would probably be something flexible but strong, in black and the more sensitive areas like the neck and thighs covered more carefully (read: shadowhunter gear)

5. what would you be a god/goddess of and what would people sacrifice to you?

change on an emotional and mental plane. they would sacrifice those who refuse to change for the better. i determine what is better, and if they choose the wrong person to sacrifice they would pay depending on why they attempted to sacrifice someone who didnt deserve it.

6. name five iconic quotes that make you feel things.

“there is a difference between wisdom and intelligence... a person may have one without the other.” is an all time favorite from my favorite book The Soulforge by Margret Weis!!!!!!!

“plant your trees and watch them grow.” OUGH

 “There is a thin semantic line separating the weird and the beautiful. and that line is covered in jellyfish.” NIGHTVALE

“Ive been good sir / so very very good for what? / and ive given you / every single thing ive got / its feeling strange man / this whole arrangement / is gonna end with / me totally deranged” From Disobedient, from su:tm!!! it slaps man

“ What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? / What are you wondering? What do you know? / Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?” Ah. billie eilish ily

7. scythe, battle axe, broad sword, spear or trident?

Scythe! the weapon of fate and peace,, it is used to reap the souls of those deemed to die and its used for harvesting crops!! the end of all thngs, its a graceful and symbolical weapon.

8. what combination of natural scents would you use as perfume?

Vaniila, star anise, and clary sage

9. ancient scrolls or leather-bound books?

leather bound books!!

10. describe yourself as if you were a storm.

a cyclone, probably. something threatening on the outside but extremely calm on the inside.

11. what type of flower (other than a rose) would you offer someone you were trying to court?

amaryllis, which is splendid beauty and worth beyond beauty

12. honey in milk or cinnamon in tea?

cinnamon in tea!!!

13. cabin in the woods, apartment in the city or mansion in the suburbs?

apt in the city

14. curtains of beads or lace?

bead curtains!!! retro AND can be like “hoohoo welcome to my brewery pick your literal poison im a witch”

15. vocal or instrumental music?

yall know i could never pick,, music is too much of an intimate thing too be taken lightly (whch is one of the reasons i have a burning hatred for jokey nursery rhymes like baby shark)

16. describe your ideal fantasy outfit

SOBS okay so. ough it depends man. i rlly like the idea of like. ponchos and shawls n stuff,,, id prolly go for a witch in the woods ngl (the prince REPRESENTS me the best but. witch of the dark woods is my aesthetic) so prolly like a heavy green shawl over a black shirt and jeans and combat boots or smth,,, i WOULD have a flower crown of poisonous flowers, yes

Changeling or shapeshifter definitely!! to be able to constantly change form in super mecore

18. hard candy, fruit preserves or spice cake?

fruit preserves

19. show us an a picture of your ideal crown.

you all knew it was gonna happen ( its a mountain laurel!! poisonous. of course)

20. tying your hair up using ribbon, yay or nay?

my hair is WAY too short for that but i used to do it when i had longer hair and its a definite yay

21. an evening in the forest with elves, a night in the caves with vampires or a morning in the garden with fae?

an evening in the forest with elves or a morning in the garden with fae!! i cant decide man,,, if it had been a night in a victorian castle w vamps i wouldve been tied w that too but caves are a dwarven thing

22. tell us, in detail, about a curse a witch would put on you.

hm. maybe like. a true self thing? where im forced to say what i mean, i cant say sorry for things im not sorry for, i have to say when things make me uncomfy, i just become less timid (the witch who cursed me got pissed off bc i said sorry too much and didnt answer questions properly)

23. talking with sylphs or singing with nymphs?

talking with sylphs prolly??? i dunno man ive always loved sylphs ngl

24. mint, rosemary, basil or sage?

def mint

25. favorite childhood story? (doesn’t have to be a fairy tale)

what childhood lmao (honestly?? i loved reading the grim fairytales just over and over)

26. tell us about an experience you’ve had that seemed unreal or supernatural. (doesn’t have to be scary)

uhhh one time i was accused of witchcraft bc i was “guessing” peoples fav colours at a christian summer camp and our supervisors asked me to stop bc it was freaking them out bc im not christian (i had them close their eyes, think of their colour, and i would see it bc id close my eyes) OH also one time luke spoiled some pl stuff bc he was thinking abt the spoiler too loudly

27. would you rather have poison or healing ointment in your traveling pack?

oh healing def!! i already know a bunch of native poisonous plants so itll b fine

28. tell us three sayings that you live by.

only two chances for everyone, and then i cut them off entirely

cringe culture is dead. the only cringy people are assholes

hurt luke youre dead

29. vials or mason jars?

no. no. you CANNOT make me pick. its illegal

30. describe your ideal masquerade ball outfit (mask included).

uh! moss green, its a onepiece thats baggy and tied with a golden decorative rope at the waist and tightened at the ankles!! its loose at the sleeves and the shoulders are showing whereas the neck is turtled!! there are designs showing black mambas and lilies of the valley (poisonous...). the mask is black and covers my right eye, with subtle smooth scales on it.

31. splashing around in a river with mermaids or flying through the sky with harpies?

BOTH are p mean uh. i said sylphs earlier so ig ill go mermaids??? plus im afraid of heights

32. what would you end up in the dungeon for?

as the royal magician/wizard/witch/alchemist/magic jester? calling the royal family out on their bullshit

33. if you were a fairy, what color would your wings be?

they would be black owls wings!!! (if you meant pixies, like tinkerbell, you shouldve said pixies fam :pensive:)

34. if you could have any magical item, what would it be?

deaths cloak or a truth charm to get people to tell me, you guessed it, the truth

35. what song would the bards sing about you when you passed by?

a song about grim ends ad new beginnings.

36. would you rather be a pirate or a king/queen?

royalty! so i can fuck shit up from the inside

37. would you spend more time in the field of flowers, the tavern, the docks or the marketplace?

field of flowers or marketplace!! seeing the things people create and natural beauty and solitude are both wonderful

38. would you have a painting of yourself?

a modest one with a very dark palette, with my eyes painted a gleaming golden.

39. what skill are you famous for?

i talk rlly fast

40. if you could live any fairy tale, which one would you?

im not sure,, 

41. stained glass windows or fairy lights?

FAIRYLIGHTSFAIRYLIGHTSFAIRYLIGHTS

[littlewhitetie]

New Year’s Wrap Up!

Thanks for the tag, @bosstoaster!!

Fics this year:

Elementary (Allura & Lance & Keith) (3,734 words)

A poison in the building they're captured in leaves Keith delirious and vulnerable, with only Allura there to take care of him. Unused to comforting others, Allura is completely out of her element. Luckily, she has Lance on the other end of the line to walk her through it.

Perennial (Shiro/Keith) (23,371 words)

Keith and Shiro find each other in every life. (A series of connected AUs) 1. Shiro will do whatever it takes to promote peace between his nation and Keith's. Even if that means staying quiet about the way the prince makes his heart ignite with the power of a thousand suns. 2. Shiro doesn’t have a soulmate anymore, but he finds the next best thing in a boy in his astrobiology course. 3. Selkies are never safe, not when Hunters are near. Keith breaks Shiro out of the laboratory facility he was taken to, but Keith is captured in the process. Shiro needs to go back for Keith, but he can’t when his ability to take his human form has been stolen away. 4. Keith takes care of Shiro after he escapes from a Fire Nation prison, his arm irreparably burned. Hoping to take down the Fire Lord, they search for a new way for Shiro to bend the elements, confronting Shiro's fear of fire along the way. 5. A Galra rebel breaks Shiro out of prison, asking for his help in shutting down a weapon that threatens the lives of the entire planet Princess Allura rests on. Shiro's Altean heritage will allow him to destroy the crystal that powers it, but not without a cost.

Pulmonary (Shiro/Keith/Allura) (7,425 words)

Infected with a disease that feeds off of heartache, flowers bloom in Shiro’s lungs, choking him with petals. He keeps the petals he coughs up a secret, but it’s getting hard to hide. The only thing that can stop its trajectory is if the person he’s in love with returns his feelings.

Shiro doesn’t even know who it is he’s sick for—Keith is Shiro’s anchor, his sun; but Allura is his compass and stars. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Neither of them could ever be his. They’ve each made their feelings for him—or lack thereof—known.

Not to mention the fate of the known universe is contingent on their upcoming marriage.

The coughing attacks get worse, but he can’t let them find out why. All he can do is try to push down his longing and watch as, little by little, Keith and Allura fall in love.

Dissonance (Shiro & Keith & Hunk & Pidge & Lance & Allura) (4,557 words)

Shiro can’t remember anything from before he was kidnapped by the Galra Empire seven years ago, but his life since then has been stable. Everything goes the way it’s supposed to, in accordance with the prophecy foretold by the Score; it’s so routine, it’s almost boring.

That all changes when, hell-bent on a mission, a stranger named Keith breaks into his home, and an unexpected reaction between their quintessences transports them halfway across the world. Shiro finds himself deep in the heart of enemy territory with nothing but a bad headache, his weaponized prosthesis, and a churlish yet protective soldier for company.

Keith vows to get him home safe and sound, but returning Shiro to his old life is easier said than done. They're going to need some help along the way.

Collect Call (Lance & Keith) (2,479 words)

The boy on the screen is wearing his old black t-shirt instead of his Marmora uniform; his bad hair is even messier than usual. “Did you need something?”

Yes, but for once, Lance's words have left him. What’s he supposed to say? Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I feel like something might be wrong with Shiro, but I can’t even figure out what the problem is—if there’s even a problem to begin with. Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I’m not you, and Shiro won’t talk to me again, no matter how hard I try. Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I miss you, and I don’t want to deal with this alone.

Nope, not happening. "I—I can call back later.”

No Matter (Keith &/Shiro, Keith & Lance) (7,104 words)

“You shouldn’t have to put up with this.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Shiro draws in a stuttering breath. “I’ve hurt you, over and over. And I don’t—I don’t know how to stop.”

--

Keith returns to the Castle to help figure out what’s wrong with Shiro. He’s here for him unconditionally, even when it hurts. He’ll get the information they need to find a solution; knowledge or death.

No Rest for the Blessed (2,307 words)

A series of ficlets based on whump prompts.

1. The paladins build a blanket nest for Keith, but he's afraid to fall asleep. (Keith/Shiro) 2. Shiro has a fever. Allura's stuck on nurse duty. (Shiro/Allura)

Linger (Keith &/Shiro) (3,037 words)

“You should go back to bed,” Keith says. “Get some more sleep.”

Shiro’s tired, but no. He can’t go back to his room, not yet. He’s not ready to be alone again.

--

Not wanting to leave Keith's side, Shiro looks for excuses to linger.

Silence (Allura & Lance & Keith & Shiro, Allura &/Lance, Keith &/Shiro) (9,691 words)

An anti-Galra nanoweapon leaves Keith ill and Shiro badly injured. It's up to Lance and Allura to find them, take care of them, and get them home safe and sound.

As Many Times (Keith/Shiro) (1,439 words)

Shiro has fever dreams; Keith does what he can to help.

Just Enough (3,949 words) 

Ficlets and prompt fills.

1. “Hello, Lance,” Allura says, quietly. She cants her head and lifts her lips a fraction: it’s okay; come closer. (Lance &/Allura)

2. It’s easier to pretend the clone wasn’t a he, but an it. Lance doesn't miss him. He doesn't. He can't. (Lance &/Shiro)

3. Allura turns her body to face Keith; he shifts his weight. The hug they share is a shy little thing, tentative and careful, but genuine. (Keith & Allura & Lance)

4. “One of these days,” Shiro says to Keith, voice slurring on the brink of fever dreams to come, “I’m going to tell you.” (Shiro/Keith)

5. Shiro doesn’t know how to lead into it—nothing he could think of of ever felt right—so he just takes the plunge. “I’m in love with you." (Shiro/Keith)

6. The Kerberos mission is successful. Keith is there for Shiro when he returns. (Shiro/Keith)

Sensibility (Shiro/Keith) (1,659 words)

Shiro visits Keith in the hospital and talks about his feelings. It's okay, he thinks, if Keith's not awake to hear it.

The Only Thing Sweeter (Allura/Keith/Shiro) (1,498 words)

“I think I’m in love,” she croons. The look he gives her is as soft and warm as the melted chocolate on her tongue.

--

Keith shows Allura how to make chocolate chip pancakes as they bring Shiro breakfast in bed.

Make Believe (Keith/Shiro) (15,125 words)

This was a terrible idea. An excruciating, tantalizing car crash of an idea. Keith should never have agreed to this. It was everything he’d ever wanted and more. He was never going to be able to come back from this.Careful metal fingertips traced his jaw, tipping his face up to meet gentle, storm grey eyes. He was close, so close. “Everything okay?” Shiro asked, quietly.“Of course,” Keith said. "Everything is fine.”It was a bald-faced lie; everything was not fine. It was wonderful and devastating and nowhere in between.

--

In which, in order to form an alliance, Keith and Shiro need to fake a relationship and endure a series of related trials.

Total Fics: 14. 15 if you count The Price of Peace, which was part of a reverse bang--the words are @sonderquill​‘s, but I came up with the concept and helped out with the plot. :)

Total Words:  108,022

Ship/character breakdown: Ship breakdown:

A lot of my fics can be interpreted as either platonic or romantic, so depending on your interpretation:

Sheith: 8-12 fics + ficlets Shallureith: 2 Shallura: 1 Allurance: 0-3 Shance: 0-1

Character breakdown:

Keith: 19 Shiro: 17 Allura: 9 Lance: 9 Hunk: 2 Pidge: 2

Not much Hunk or Pidge in there, but I do love them. Maybe I’ll have to write that companion fic to Finding Home sitting in my WIPs that focuses on the Garrison trio.

Characters that had the main focus:

Shiro and Keith, no surprise there. I had fun with Allura and Lance this year too! 

Specifics:

Best/worst title? Best title:  Make Believe. It’s a double entendre and I’m damn proud of it.  Worst title: Linger. I literally just picked a word from the prompt. :/

Best/worst first line?

Best: maybe Elementary?

Something is wrong.

It’s not anything special, but it sets the story up the way I want it to.

Worst: Silence

“Lance? Will you tell me a story?”

Enh.

Best/worst last line?

Best: I’d say either Linger or Sensibility.

Linger:

With a soft sigh, Shiro lets his heavy eyelids fall closed. He’s calmed by the sound of fingers tapping against keys, interrupted occasionally by a gentle touch. A press to his wrist, a stroke of his cheek, a brush of fingers through his hair. He falls asleep to sweet, subtle reminders that he’s not alone, not anymore.

Sensibility:

Shiro’s never been one to back down from a challenge, and it’s not like it’s a secret any longer. So he says, with every intention of being heard, “I love you too,” and the way Keith’s little smirk fades into something soft and genuine is completely, utterly worth it.

Worst: The Only Thing Sweeter.

Yes, she could get used to this. Breakfast in bed with her two favourite people? It’s not Altea, it’s not the Castle, but it’s exactly where she wants to be.

This one was for a flashbang, and I was at my word limit. I think the ending could have been better. 

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

More for sure! I’m a very slow writer, so I’m impressed by my word count. :)

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year? I wrote a domestic fluff piece! Surprised myself with that one. I don’t think I’d have expected to write Allurance a year ago either, since I only got onboard with that one around season 5-ish. 

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

Hmmm. Maybe Pulmonary. It’s so self indulgent. Shiro-centric, check. Hanahaki, check. Sheith, check. Shallura, check. Kallura, check. Political marriage, check. Angst with a happy ending, check. Pining Shiro, check, check, and check. 

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

Make Believe is most popular in terms of comments/kudos on AO3, though Sensibility got more notes on tumblr. 

Make Believe: Fake dating is such a fun trope, and I love writing from Keith’s point of view. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster, and there’s SO much pining. I always love getting comments on that one--everyone’s so frustrated with them. >:) 

Sensibility: This one was a bit of a surprise! My writing is usually pretty dialogue-heavy, so having only one character speaking was an interesting challenge--especially so with Shiro, whose emotions are so repressed. I’m glad people liked how it turned out!  Story most underappreciated by the universe? Dissonance, by a large margin. It’s sort of a niche AU, so, fair enough. It's a lot of work to write, since I’m a bit obsessive about details, so it’s on hiatus for now.  Story that could have been better?  I like how Linger turned out, but there are a few things I would probably go back and change. There are parts of Silence, too, that I think could have been done better. Sexiest story?

 Haha, my stories are all very wholesome. They’re mostly just cuddling and pining. The closest I ever got to sexy was two years ago with A Game of Cat and Space Mouse, and even that was pretty chaste.  Saddest story? I cried writing the scene in No Matter where Shiro attacks Keith. I was sure that would never happen in canon since that would be too emotional... I am delighted to have been wrong. 

I wrote a couple sad drabbles, too, with Easier (Lance processing the clone situation) and the Kerberos Success AU (Keith helping Shiro live with his illness post-Kerberos). They earned me some lovely tags, such as “who the fuck needs a heart”, “*sobbing*”, “how dare you”, “fuck you??”, “are you trying to murder me”, and “CALM DOWN SATAN!” Job well done, I guess. :)

Most fun? Make Believe!  Fake dating is always fun.  Story with single sweetest moment? The entirety of The Only Thing Sweeter is sappy enough to give you a toothache, but single moment? Maybe the end of Linger, where Shiro doesn’t want to be left alone, so Keith lets him sleep in the common room with his head in his lap. 

Three words come back to him like a beacon, cutting through the swathes of dark memories under Haggar’s influence. “What you said to me,” Shiro says, “When we… when I almost… when you got that scar. You— you really meant it, didn’t you.”

Keith pulls back so Shiro can see his smile, honest and kind. “You know I always mean what I say.”

“Yeah,” Shiro whispers. “You do.”

“I meant what I said about you needing sleep, too,” Keith says. He rubs the tear tracks from Shiro’s face with his thumb, then guides him to lie down, bringing Shiro’s head to rest in his lap. “Get some rest, alright?”

With a soft sigh, Shiro lets his heavy eyelids fall closed. He’s calmed by the sound of fingers tapping against keys, interrupted occasionally by a gentle touch. A press to his wrist, a stroke of his cheek, a brush of fingers through his hair. He falls asleep to sweet, subtle reminders that he’s not alone, not anymore.

Hardest story to write?

Oh maaan, there were a few. The last AU in Perennial (Sacrifice) was definitely a challenge, the latest chapter of Silence just hated me, and the zine piece I recently wrote for @vldwhumpzine​ fought me tooth and nail. 

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Elementary for sure! Allura & Lance’s banter was just so fun and natural. It basically wrote itself. 

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I don’t know about shift, but Collect Call, Elementary, and Silence all really reinforced how much I love supportive Lance. 

Most overdue story?

I need to finish up Silence. There are also some prompts sitting in my inbox that I haven’t gotten around to.  

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I tried something different with the pacing for Linger. I was reading one of @lightshesaid​‘s fics and was in awe of her descriptive imagery, so I tried to slow down a bit and pay more attention to details. I’m not sure if it worked, but I tried!

I also wrote a couple stories without Shiro in them, and that was just crazy. 

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Finish Silence and Make Believe! Those are the big ones. I’ve also got some unpublished WIPs I’d like to get around to, like a piece set in the Kerberos Success AU, maybe a follow up to Pulmonary, and maaaybe that angsty post-s6 fic where Shiro comes out of the astral plane forgetting how to interact with the world and the people around him. Peer pressure is a great motivator. :)

Tagging: I’m awful with tagging and don’t want to put pressure on anyone, but if you want to please do and let me know--I’d love to see! 

[kilmameri]

I saw @solange-lol doing this and it seemed fun so I wanted to do it too. Please do it yourselves too and tag me to it if you like, I won’t be tagging anyone. I’ve added my comments in chunks so theyre easier to delete. this is mostly me writing random garbage which isnt needed but i wanted to do

Rules: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations

AIR: i have small hands • i love the night sky • i watch small animals and birds when i pass them by • i drink herbal tea • i wake to see dawn • the smell of dust is comforting • i’m valued for being wise • i prefer books to music • i meditate • i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

What kinda aspiration is having small hands tho? :DD I love the night sky the most when it’s warm an dark, often when im like, on a trip. its not often both dark and warm where i live :D and i Love birds. today waiting for the bus i almost forgot where i was when i watched birds fly in flocks over us. theyre moving back here for spring! :D

also like,, waking early is so over appreciated. and i see the dawn plenty bc the sun rises at like nine o’clock in winter if at all like,,, i get that its more constant to ppl who live closer to the equator and actually means something. i would wake up to see the dawn tho for the stillness of the world tho if it was with someone but only in daydreams bc why get up early when u can stay up late? that last one abt truths like lmao we get it u deep but yea i love trivia

FIRE: i don’t have straight hair • i like to wear ripped jeans • i play an organized sport • i love dogs • i am not afraid of adventure • i love to talk to strangers • i always try new foods • i enjoy road trips • summer is my favorite season • my radio is always playing

i love curly hair. i have really thick and stiff straigh af hair and i sometimes wish it had Even Waves bc id love to look more messy-cute ya know? bc now its all clean partings, no stray hairs. it looks too formal for my taste and id like for it to have some personality. i know i could just curl it with an iron or get it done but yea,,, i dont care That much

like im constantly told im crazy brave and i guess this applies to me? like i Did move at age 16 to my own in a city i have never been in with no one there who knew me and just,,, didnt even care. i tell others what ive been up to and they ooh and aah and im like?? but yea it does feel nice to be considered adventurous

also i love weird foods and am Not picky. in ninth grade home ec my kitchen needed to design a three course meal and dear fucking god was that a mess. we had one vegetarian lactose intolerant peep, one who didnt eat random shit like onions and bell pepper bc they taste bad (???) and so if a recepie had even a slightest bit of that he insisted it be left out or didnt even listen to the full recepie. and one who like,,,, would Not eat any foregin food. he wanted Potatoes and sausages. im like??? this is the final home ec test? this is supposed to showcase our skills,,, and you want boiled potatoes and plain sausage? what a mess lmao

WATER: i wear bracelets on my wrists • i love the bustle of the city • i have more than one set of piercings • i read poetry • i love the sound of a thunderstorm • i want to travel the world • i sleep past midday most days • i love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • i rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • i see emotions in colors not words

i moved to a city abt uhhh? half a year ago and i love it here :D theres nothing better than walking in the centrum with the pidgeons and street artists and ppl having a good time chatting and shopping

i used to sleep past midday but i try to not so much bc that worsens my mood a lot bc i feel really isolated spending so much of my time alone. but it is my natural way of being so i guess thats how it be sometimes

EARTH: i wear glasses/contacts • i enjoy doing the laundry • i am a vegetarian • i have an excellent sense of time • my humor is very cheerful • i am a valued adviser to my friends • i believe in true love • i love the chill of mountain air • i’m always listening to music • i am highly trusted by the people in my life

bad eyesight ://. i do kinda enjoy doing household chores when i have something to listen to or a call to be in but that hasnt been the case lately. i am not vegetarian but sometimes i do go days without eating meat by accident which i dont mind but like,,, yea. its bc i eat like, bread, noodles, cereal, and then there might be something vegetarian at school that i eat bc it looks like the tastiest food there

idk abt my humor? its kinda spicky, insulting to some. but i dont mean it its like friendly banter. but i put it on with ppl who arent friends of confy with that sometimes and i dont mean to honestly

AETHER: i go without makeup in my daily life • i make my own artwork • i keep on track of my tasks and time • i always know true north • i see beauty in everything • i can always smell flowers • i smile at everyone i pass by • i always fear history repeating itself • i have recovered from a mental disorder • i can love unconditionally

never really liked makeup, too much work for a thing i cant really tell is even there. the flashy types of makeup i dont like so much. also im already cute af

ive been told im organized as hell by my peers and i dont get it. thats just?? how i naturally do things. it like,,, is Impossible for me to put things in their wrong places. if its hard to put where it belongs then i dedicate a “pending” spot for it in a place thats easy. and i hate notebooks and instead use a binder filled with loose leaves that i can edit as much as i like :3

thanks for reading, hmu if u wanna say something abt the things i wrote. ill read it