#LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE IVE TRIED???
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https://gofund.me/f445c874
Hey guys this is a little different but I'm trying to raise money to help fix my teeth. I'm always in pain and if anyone can spare anything it would be very helpful.
#go fund me#fundraising#fundrasier#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#tagging hero aca so maybe more people will see it#ive literally tried everything else#the lady who did my forms told me to take out a loan like that was so easy
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i feel like im probably gonna be talking about this a lot here since i cant talk to Her about it and it really is bothering me so much
#but i feel bad about this too bc it just feels like im talking about her behind her back. which i am kind of. aughhhhhh#its just. idk large age gaps have just Always bothered me no matter how much my opinions on everything else change!!! i think its a bad idea#and dangerous! almosf everyone else she knows thinks its fine so maybe i am just annoying and insane but i literally cant change how i feel#ive tried#like theres. so much that could go wrong here#hes 10 Years Older. hes had experience dating. hes been an adult for 13 years#shes 21. has basically 0 experience dating. and her mental health is really not great#like she just realized she liked men too a few months ago and shes been in this cycle of getting really really obsessed with guys older than#her really fast and everything they do really affect her. she has trouble recognizing sus behavior and is too afraid of upsetting ppl to her#own detriment#i really hope that this guy is normal (as normal as you can be when ur 31 being with a 21 yr old) but if hes not then this has the potential#to go so so bad#and im worried#no one else seems to be tho so idfk!!! am i just too child brained compared to people who date. maybe. but im so worried
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i logged onto here to say i miss my wife but then i saw a post of the guy i cried about ten times last year so now im upset about that instead 👍👍
#i always have an other half of sorts and i can never find them !!!!!!!! no matter the timeline or character !!!!!!!#tried so hard last year . all the k1ncords either had weird rules or were 18+ and i couldnt find any blogs either#everything else ive been from recently is too obscure and i have Literally No Sourcemates !!!!!!!#txt
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i’ll learn how to do so many things for ts4, i’ll learn to make poses and learn to make accessories from build/buy cc and learn to add shadows appropriately to my edits and learn to format text in a way thats easily legible to readers. but one thing i will literally never be able to learn how to do is to draw hair strands
#every time i see someone drawing hair strands im in AWE like how.............#my terrible shaking hands could never#stares enviously at the people who can edit hair strands good on their posts#ive tried so many times and it has ended in failure every time its literally so hard#even when i used to draw a lot as a child hair was the hardest thing for me to do#and poses but thats a whole other conversation#HAIR IS JUST SO DIFFICULT this is why my sims will forever have their cartoon maxis match hair#when cc creators add hair strands to their mm hair >>>#the best sim styles are maxis match hair with alpha everything else if you disagree with me thats your right but youre objectively wrong
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i like to pretend that im autistic in a way that doesnt affect my life, then when it does that thing where it, yk, affects my life i cant ask for help bcs im too embarrased
#oh the horrors#of being percieved#ive tried so hard my whole life to make my brain work neurotypically#ive pretended so much that i cant be bothered to do something instead of admitting i cant#and i dont know what to do now#i try to pretend autism is a silly disorder instead of a developemental one#and its not true#but i cant admit that to anyone#because i dont want to admit that i cant do everything just as good as everyone else#and now im gonna flunk my maths assesment#which is literally the only one that matters#fun shit#alex says shit#alex shouts into the void#alex's autism#alex is an idiot#the biggest idiot to ever exist
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being autistic in the workplace kinda got me like
#anyone else try extremely hard to be Funny and Present but yet people still dont choose to sit w u or ask about ur weekend#like ok ive tried everything ive made u orgami. ive said jokes i stole from tumblr posts. i tell u about my bowel movements. literally#what else could i be doing here this is IMPOSSIBLE /joke
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genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.
#it’s 4am and I am feeling the Deep Darkies#I literally passed out at 9pm from mental exhaustion & also bc I wanted to start to get up early to start a morning routine#so I actually got a ton of sleep but the second I woke up I felt like I wanted to cry and now I feel so depressed out of no where#like girl WHYYYY#genuinely I am so debilitatingly depressed I have suicidal thoughts every single day#and I feel like ive tried everything to help myself like ive been to therapy ive been on and off meds for over a decade at this point#im starting to eat better and sleep more#like what the duck else do I do?#I genuinely feel like my brain is broken#I just want to cry and lay in bed every single day#like I cannot articulate the profound sadness into words but it’s. so bad#and it takes literally all my brain power to do one assignment a day for class like none of this is sustainable#and I just feel so much shame over it bc whenever I tell my mom she gets mad like it effects her or something and the few times ive made th#mistake of trying to confide in my dad he gave me the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps talk so never again lol#my entire family has made me feel so much shame over it and none of my friends here even bother to ask how I feel and don’t make me feel#comfortable enough to talk to bc i’m always the fucking therapist friend helping everyone else#hence why I always vent on here lol I have no one to talk to#I just really don’t know what to do at this point like I feel like I need inpatient therapy at this point but that’s expensive and I don’t#want to tell my job why i’d need extended time off bc that would be so embarrassing and plus now i’m in school#so like what do I do#im tired of feeling like this I know this isn’t how life is supposed to be but it’s also all ive ever known#and what’s the point of living if i’m going to feel like this everyday? I don’t know how much longer I can take it#personal
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Man, life is just depressing right now
#the one thing that was keeping me sane has gone away#i would always say 'yeah every medical professional has given up and there's nothing they can do. but at least i have my PTs' well...#my current PT's are the only ones that ever treated me like a person and they always kept trying...but they've given up too#basically Clare was like we haven't made any gains in over a year and your state keeps getting worse. nothing we do helps#so it may be time to consider stopping bc throwing away money isnt helpful either#and i argued that it's damage control and improves my quality of life and i have a progressive disease i never was going to get better#not to mention mentally it helps to know there's people in my corner and at least they haven't given up on me#but now they have and im feeling so very very alone and hopeless#it's not like this is a surprise right? ive always been beyond help and it's an incurable degenerative disease#but still getting to this point fucking sucks#and i went to the new neurologist and he had nothing but crazy experiments bc ive tried fucking everything#and then to top it off the only doctor i trusted from when i was a teenager for one specific med issue had also said the same#literally this week she was like there's nothing more. i cant help find someone else. sorry kid. wishing you the best#and Xmas is a depressing and challenging time too#and i have 400 med problems while trying to find work#the past few weeks have pulverized me and i havent stopped crying in days#so yeah. terribly terribly alone#and im trying not to go down any spirals and havent. my therapist was out this week. but im seriously questioning the point#at this point maybe i should give up too#im being stubborn bc no i cant go yet i havent seen the lights yet or read my new books#but honestly i havent been able to read partially bc im afraid if i do im losing the last tethers to earth#there's not much or anything to live for#it's at times like these you truly realize how much you dont want to die. you just wish you could live#but im broke and freezing and in pain and alone. this story's ending fucking sucks#my dbt is coming in clutch but seriously. is there a point anymore?#never got to live. sick since a kid. hell was always here#sorry for the depressing state of things ill go back to being insane in a moment#p
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do you all think i should get pink black or brown leather gloves
#bc like i have compression gloves and they dont do enough for me#and regular summer gloves arent meant to keep my hands warm theyre a nice barrier from dirt but my hands get Colder in them you feel#and ive tried wrapping and literally everything else so its time to suck it up#i have a red pair somewhere from my babcia except i only know where the left one is and red doesn’t match a lot of my wardrobe idk#staring mournfully at the skirt i want to buy#🦕
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im going through hell right now
#i can hardly make myself even do things i like doing#let alone things i need to do#even eating is a struggle#because the effort of getting out of bed and getting food is too hard#and also i cant afford to just buy food because my family is poor as fuck right now#i spend hours just on tumblr or instagram or talking with friends while doing nothing constructive and then i feel exhausted and pass out#i need to do my taxes and i need to deal with work things or get a new job and i need to be an adult#but i cant even get myself to play my favorite video game im so down#the idea of even having to leave my house for four hours to work is too much#putting on pants is a lot of effort#and i cant apply for disability bc ive tried and it's so goddamn hard and they expect you to remember everything youve ever done#and every penny you've ever held#and god FORBID you have family or friends who have ever given you money to help you#its literally ridiculous#not to mention the state of my house is horrible bc my whole family is depressed#and i want to move so badly but i cant even afford the gas to get to my friends house even if i just loaded my car up and left#im struggling#my mom gets paid in 8 days and until then i have approximately 2 frozen meals and some pasta i can eat#everything else in my house i cant eat because of dietary restrictions and most of it is expired anyway
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ive obtained a guitar
#my mom had one that she said i could take. and for the longest time i was like no i should wait until ive been doing bass longer before#adding smth else. but then i was like. right now im rlly enjoying doing music and i have the time and the desire to do it. so like.#it seems silly to not. so i have it im gonna try and learn over the summer and see if i can keep up with both. and then when school starts#again if it comes down to splitting time between them ill have a few months in each of them almost like 7 on bass. and they're similar#enough to eachother that i think a lot of stuff will probably cross over right? idk i was looking into it and it seems like a lot of more#experienced players will play at least a little bit on the other as well. and i also saw an article that said learning the other will help#improve more on the first one as well#i mean the thing is. it is just for fun. but also i think it would be so cool if i could get to the point where i can make my own songs jus#to post on here or smth. i think that would be rlly fun but like if i never do. i still just like it and its fun so its fine if i suck#but ya im gonna do it if it ends up ruining everything i can just quit like whatever#the sad thing though is. its an acoustic waahhhh#if i keep going obviously i eventually am gonna get an electric bc i was trying to think of songs i could learn on acoustic and i literally#could not think of a single one i like. LMAO my parents had a copy of sheet music for stairway to heaven (i think my sister must've tried t#learn it at some point?) so i took that too. bc it was literally the only one they had besides a big book of mormon ones lol. so im gonna b#that guy that only plays stairway to heaven lolllllll
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having. bad moment today alright-
#everything in class was too overwhelming to the point i couldnt even talk anymore and i couldnt leave and i didnt wanna stim because then#people would See Me and stuff so i just sat there suffering with that.#and then ig we're preparing for Finals but i barely have understood this whole class because it goes Too Fast for me and im scared im gonna#fail and i cant fail otherwise im gonna get the help w/ the financial stuff taken away and thats basically gonna screw me over big time but#idk what im doing!! and then the teacher said things about like 'oh if you say you're not taking this again next semester i'll take off#points' BUT IDK IF SHE WAS SERIOUS OR NOT?????? like shes generally pretty nice but like i cant tell if she was kidding or not at all but i#dont wanna ask because no one else seemed confused by it and i dont wanna stick out so i just. am confused#also im scared if i fail this class my mom'll get pissed because shes very insistent that i am the 'normal' one and so i 'have' to go to#school ad basically live life like a Normal Allistic Person which. is bullshit but thats besides the point#and my only class rn is japanese which until now ive been consistently GOOD at so if i fail that my mom'll probably get Extra pissed at me#for it because of that. also trying to ask for help hasnt worked so good so far because i tried and the teachers like 'you're doing fine!#dont worry about it :D' and im like 'i have barely understood anything for weeks on end but idk how to argue you on this and it feels rude#to try and be like No Actually Wrong' so then i just. dont say anything#also i still have no accommodations because i still havent gotten copies of papers i need and they wont let me do anything until i have#those copies of things from older schools before i went here. EVEN THOUGH IM LITERALLY DIAGNOSED AND AM STRUGGLING BUT APPARENTLY PAPERS#FROM OLD SCHOOLS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT CAN 'PROVE' I NEED HELP???? WHICH MAKES NO SENSE TO ME BUT ANYWAYS-#anyways everything is too much and i wanna curl up in a ball and just kinda stay like that forever#vent
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seems like we are at the crying part of the illness.
#we can postpone cjristmas#gonna talk in da tags for a bit because a post full of perosmal info feels so gross#ive been crying on and off for hours. km so upset being atuck in my fucking room with covid while nobody else is sick at all#and im glad nonody is sick im just so fucking lonely#started symptoms on friday#twsted neg fri and sat. didnt test sundah cause i dont have a lot. tested monday and was psorive#literally slept with my bf all of those nights#shared weed pen on sunday with ofher roommate#nobody else is sick#i just feel so sad and tired. im used to himan or cat affection daily and ive had none. i feel so lonley and trapped#i did everythjng right to avoid being sick and my bf was also with me that whole day and he didnt get sick#i feel stupid weak and pathetic for gettinf sixk. i dont have symptoms anymore but atill positive#im so fucking sad and i can hear people hanging out and they are havjng fun and im glad but im jealous#im so sad and lonely. i want to wrap things for christmas and do more stockjng sruffer shopping. i want to watch movjes with people#i love holidays because i love to hang out with my friends and i fucking cant amd today especially its really tearing me up#my bf is upset that im no communicating and hes trying to cheer me up but everything is making me misribke and i dont know how to stop it#i like to do things for people when theyre sick and i know everyone isnt like me but it hurts to not have that done for me#offering to order food is nice bjt j want skmething made for me but nkbody is as good as i am at making things and i dont want to ask#i dont want to bother people but im literally breakkng down today. cant atop fucjing crying and i feel weak and pathetic. stupid#i tried so hard not to get sick and they are saying o dont want to fucking do that#id rather everyone open stockjngs and do presents without me because im tired of not saying what i got people i want tk show people#i like wrapping gifts and nobody wants me to toich anything because of cocid so others are wrapping things from me for me#i dont know its all very stupid but i feel very alone but also dont want people joking at me to make me feel better. im just mad and sad#ok im done now:) ill post a drawing later#nap time#text
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literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–
#mine#i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh#i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else#im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that#anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee#made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon#i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him#'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog.#im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite#im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to#practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird#my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him#im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck#well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok#i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it#n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin#he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered#i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows#im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also.#hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god.#i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal#i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear#i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun#i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much#i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well#tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately#i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood#maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat#this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul#💿
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if i get this job istg my FIRST order of business is doing anything to make me like my appearance more. literally anything. i have shit ive wanted to do for a decade or more im tired of not getting to do any of it
#idk exactly how yet. kind of depends on what they give me#but i want so badly to get a binder and i finally have money. or i could get my ears pierced#depending on whether its an issue w work maybe i dye my hair#levi.txt#i say this every year and never do it but idk. if im being paid decent money? if i have a job with an actual future?#i promised myself id at least try to get a binder by the end of the year anyway. i literally havent liked my chest since i was 12#and its not going away. ive tried ignoring it. and what im doing now isnt sustainable long term#and im so fucking tired to saying i want shit and nothing ever changing its driving me fucking insane#and im so tired of being in this body and not feeling like its actually mine#i do everything for other people. the only stuff i really bother to do for myself appearance wise i do bc i dont have any other choice#i feel like i need to do Something to like. assert ownership if that makes sense. prove that it doesnt belong to anyone else#and i need to stop worrying abt whether people will still like me if i do any of it!! thats part of the problem#'what if youre not attractive with-' you know whats universally attractive? SOMEONE WHO /LIKES THEMSELF/#and if people dont like me happy/confident then they sound like they fucking suck and i dont need them#delete later
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im replaying all of ace attorney and i really love it but the pavlovs response i have to miles edgeworth after upwards of maybe 4 years is still there after all this time
#txt#i still love ace attorney. thank god so much has changed#but i still love ace attorney#in comparison to everything else its literally the only thing thats actively been occupying my brainspace aside from op#thats even ABLE to everything ive tried to get into has bounced off of me
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