#Like to have the energy and just mindset to endlessly shit on something when you can just MOVE ON FROM IT

[molinaesque]

You know that popular text post that talked about how annoying it is when people reblog posts that's obviously in celebration for those particular things, just to shit all over it because it's already got a ton of notes so they're using it to piggy back off of it instead of just creating their own damn posts where they can dump all their negativity and bullshit on it? Yeah, I FEEL that post right now.

[simpleskull200]

I will never understand DNI lists, unless they're for NSFW accounts trying to keep underage people from interacting with them and are actively monitoring who follows them as a result. The concept of trying to bar people from trying to enjoy the work you create as an artist just because some people with similar mindsets as them is shitty.

As far as things go what does it matter who interacts with you if they're not bullying, harrassing or otherwise treating you badly? I mean, as far as things go it takes less effort and energy to hit the block button on people who interact with you that make you uncomfortable than it is for people to make secondary websites or posts that they expect people to read that is just there to gatekeep who can or cannot interact with them.

Not everyone is going to read DNI lists and a lot of the people who do read it probably don't give two shits and are going to interact with you anyways because they obviously either enjoy your content or are intent on trying to harass you.

This whole "DNI if you're..." Thing is honestly just helping cultivate a more toxic environment in fandom spaces as the vocal minorities on both sides of stupid controversial a d trivial things in fandoms argue endlessly back and forth over something that really isn't complicated or need to be fought about.

One example that comes to mind can be solved by people understanding the following:

1. People have freedom of creative expression, so long as it's within the limits of their country's respective laws.

2. Art can be used as a way for people to express things and explore things from a creative lens.

3. Not everything people create is going to be savory, and people have every right to be uncomfortable or block that person.

4. People have different life experiences and traumas, sharing dark and potentially triggering stories or art online means you should be tagging your work appropriately and putting in the correct warnings.

5. Nobody deserves to be harassed, attacked or doxxed. If someone is genuinely breaking the law, report them and encourage other to do the same, especially if the safety of others is genuinely at risk.

6. Not every piece of art or work is going to be good for you, and you don't need to interact with it. You're under no obligation to continue reading, scrolling, etc. and that's okay.

7. Not everything needs to be made to your standards, art would be meaningless if it did.

8. Be a respectful person, don't attack people on the internet just because you don't like their art, writing, beliefs. Just block them and carry on, there's no need to potentially trigger someone else or cause others distress. (Two wrongs don't make a right)

9. The block button is free.

10. Don't interact with posts you don't want to see and you'll see less of them. The internet is massive, so it's up to you to tag your posts accordingly to help tailor your own browsing experience and make it easy for others to do the same.

These 10 simple things can apply to any social media or website you use, these can be applied to most things on the internet, not just fandom.

Healthy interaction is a two way street, it's not fair for you to expect people you don't want to interact with you not to, when you go out of your way to harass other people.

This is not directed at anyone in particular and is rather a culmination of the frustration that has built up as I've seen the same dramas time and time again happen online, especially in fandom spaces. The current mentality in fandom spaces is genuinely a toxic one that needs to be stopped before it starts to have genuine real life issues spring up because of online faces starting to attack people offline too.

Tha k you for coming to my TED talk

[itskobold]

The first decade or so of my roleplaying experiences were a meandering set of largely abortive (but still wonderful and meaningful!) dives into indie rpgs. An over-and-over pattern of “let’s play this”, with a half dozen sessions and an abrupt, anti-climatic ending. It was roleplaying as like... exploration, the investigation of different conceptual storytelling spaces.

When I first considered playing 5th edition D&D, in oh... 2018 or so, it was in that context. I wasn’t expecting much, honestly. Because, let’s be real, D&D is shit. But I was in a new city and people are always down to play D&D, it has a kind of potato chips appeal. But I wasn’t aware of the social context of D&D that had been fomenting away in the background without me noticing, all those Critical Role inspired newbies bringing this strange sensibility to the table: these sort of loosely storygamer mindsets combined with a fandom-like attachment to the game of D&D specifically. A legion of earnest theater kids who are kind of legitimately a blast to play with and have a level of investment that provided the social context for games that went on-and-on-and-on. 20 sessions?! 30?! Fucking blew my mind. I’d always heard of people playing those kinds of games, but I’d never experienced it.

The wonderful thing about long games is that the characters get to sparkle. There’s all kinds of space for them to be deranged and wretched and miserable that shorter games can only grasp at. Burning Wheel had forced me to make characters like that, but when their arc ended after 10 weeks - after whatever group broke apart or we got interested in something else - I was still just getting comfortable with them. All the best RPG technology in the world paled in comparison to having more time to write a character. I finally learned about the kinds of characters I wanted to play, the kinds of games I wanted to play, because I had time - over a decade into playing these fucking games.

And for me, that’s the beautiful thing about 5th edition D&D. The flash in the pan passion that a particular moment in time - produced largely by a series of podcasts that I cannot bring myself to listen to - brought to the space. The gift of 5th edition is patience, its sitting with something for a long time and letting it simmer. It’s the mindset that comes born of absurdly longform narrative fiction. I know other people in the space had that already, but I didn’t. It’s wonderful and I’m glad it happened.

But, of course, that has nothing to do with D&D, not really. And so the more Wizards of the Coast get smarmy and conceited about what was, in essence, good marketing on the back of a series of extremely lucky breaks, people seizing on a under-exploited media space or whatever, the more I find the game noxious and loathsome. This isn’t because of you, you stupid dickheads. It’s because of the community that you accidentally acquired, and pretending that your Weekend At Bernies ass bedraggled corpse of an RPG is an endlessly exploitable lifestyle brand just makes it all the more apparent how rancid it is.

I’m still playing, still having fun, more because of the weight of what’s already happened than where the game is now. In time, when our 5th edition game ends, I’m looking forward to putting the game away, and I hope other people do likewise. Don’t let them make this an endlessly monetizable subscription based lifestyle whatever, please.

Right now I’m also playing Pathfinder 2e, and while I’m not going to claim that’s the solution (because lol), at least it’s a more honest version of the same basic thing. I also feel very lucky to have been able to take that Gamin’ energy and put it into some of those indie games! Burning Wheel was never supposed to be a 10 session game, after all. Got an extremely awesome Chuubo’s Marvellous Wish Granting Engine game going, and it’s one of the best roleplaying experiences I’ve ever had.

The real peril of fandom is the way it can be commercialized, I think. Given my timeline I feel like I’m very much preaching to the choir here but you don’t need D&D, you don’t need to be a fan of D&D. Just be a fan of your own games, or those podcast games if you must. That’s what you were anyway. They’re trying to trick you into thinking that means that you want horse armor for your character sheet and you gotta know how fucking stupid that is. So yeah, in conclusion “play another game”, I guess.

[noraroars]

$1700 to Freedom

I used to be anxious about what freedom could buy me. I never thought of freedom as something you could buy either, only something you could earn. I’ve never lived a less than free life but I’ve consolidated my freedom to how much I made. My lifestyle was neither glamorous nor cheap. 

There was a time when I made $13/hr and was living on my own and thought I was having the time of my life, but I was sad because I thought I needed more friends to share my freedom with. Then there was that time $27/hr living on my own in a tiny apartment in San Francisco, with 3 other people and one bathroom. God, I hated my life. I complained and dreaded using the bathroom and how my freedom was spent waiting to pee in my pants. 

All the while I thought back to when I lived with my parents. The horror, thinking my friends were looking down on me because I was a local girl who didn’t have to pay rent, in the beach town of Santa Barbara. How crazy privileged was I? I wanted to know what it felt like to struggle? That mindset didn’t get me far either. I moved to San Francisco. I was a cheapskate who wanted “bang for her buck” and ended up paying only $500 bucks not living out her city girl dreams. 

I was making more money, spending less on rent and I had nothing to show for it. No real freedom I could boast about. Only that I lived in the most expensive city out of all the states. I had no expensive bag to prove I made money, or a group of friends you saw on my IG while we bar hoped, nor did I have a place to host dinner. Not that I even knew how to cook at that time. 

When I turned 30 I thought my life was going to change. I’ve been working that big girl job. I told myself I was going to make 6 figures. And that I did by working 2 jobs endlessly, but when 31 came around and I got the news that 6 figures was no longer a prop dream. I had to ask a lot of questions. Firstly, where the fuck is all my money going? 

The answer was no where I wanted. I finally had money saved up and I finally worked for a financial firm that taught me how important money could be if you saved and invested. Money in the Asian culture is earned then saved. Nothing else. I had to buy new knowledge and spend it like a business. I read books, listened to podcasts and heard my calling. I had to go way back to middle school Nora and ask her what her dreams were and that it was time to bring back that energy.

God, here we go again. The mid-life crisis bullshit again, are we really switching careers again? Fuck no, turned into the only fuck yes I needed. So I had to give it a try. With all that bullshit money I saved for nothing, I moved out of that tiny apartment in SF. I rented a luxury 1 bedroom in a beautiful home in Daly city. You damn right, I moved just outside the city and paid a whopping $1700 with parking to test my freedom. 

What did I learn? Living next to Traders Joes is like a heaven on earth. There are actually streets here where you can park on both sides and still drive down. And not having to squeeze into someone’s driveway to let others pass. It so fucken quiet I could hear my heart beating. The lighting hits different and there’s enough room to have a house plant, although I forget to water it. My neighbors most likely hearing me huffing and puffing through my workouts in the morning. LoFi and tea go better together, fight me on it. I gave up coffee over 4 years ago!

Through so many subtle changes, I noticed that freedom is set by what I want it to be. Grateful journals became a must and I forgot how much I spent to get to this peaceful state I’ve been working on. Its day 16 of 28 of my little experiment and I could say without a flying doubt. I’m making peace with the fact that freedom looks different for other people. Don’t ever tell yourself you need more money or more time. You’ll make money and make time for whats best for you, so do what makes you happy. 

What freedom looked like today. I woke up at 6:50am with no alarm like a fucken champ. I hit snooze for a quick 10 mins of meditation sitting up in my bed. I take those bullshit deep breaths and after 10 mins tell myself, “I’m the shit” and “I’m a boss ass bitch”. Then I ask myself, “who do you want to be today and what do you want to accomplish”? I do it and the closer I become not what I believe but legit living it. I’m free-er than a bird, but that’s another story I want to tell when i get there. Forever grateful for these journeys. I’m back and I’m writing again. I have to tell myself to never stop, cause that’s when my heart stopped and I wasn’t free anymore. 

[thesinglesjukebox]

CHAI - CHOOSE GO! [6.38] We do!

Alfred Soto: A helluva bass track works as propulsion and sound effect on this Japanese quartet's track -- they chose go, all right. Avril Lavigne and Toni Basil would have approved of its sweets and spritz. [6]

Julian Axelrod: Man, what a relief to hear frantic, ecstatic post-punk that isn't played by shaggy white trust fund kids and doesn't center around roommate conflicts and fights with their ex. Chai have enough energy to power a small town, and I'm sure this absolutely crushes in a live setting. But even after multiple listens, I'm having trouble fully locking in -- and I don't just think it's the language barrier. The chaotic four-piece attack feels disjointed, like they tried to cram ten hooks into a song instead of refining three good ones. Then again, maybe that's exactly what they're going for: world domination through unwavering inclusion. And I'm sure they don't need my help getting there. [6]

Thomas Inskeep: If you took Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and made it simultaneously a little perkier and a little more indie-sounding (cf. Yeah Yeah Yeahs), and then translated it into Japanese, you'd have something close to "Choose Go!" [6]

Ryo Miyauchi: "Choose Go!" finds Chai stepping up their neo-kawaii philosophy from a soft self-love mantra to a take-no-shit mindset. They don't play nice to drill that down, and their essential message to get your sorry ass back up can feel like a tough gesture of discipline more than a friendly push. But Chai ultimately lead by example, earning their respect as a life coach through the toughness flowing from their wired garage-rock. While they simplify the course of action as if throwing out bad thoughts were as easy as trash day, their rambunctious energy convinces that it might actually be as simple as a set of instructions. [6]

Will Rivitz: The conductor of my college choir has a bumper sticker that reads "Friends don't let friends clap on one and three." Smacking the ride cymbal on one and three is even worse. [4]

Will Adams: A ball of tightly wound power pop that's as propulsive as its title suggests. Extra point for the psychedelic warping near the end. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: The thing I love most about punk is its efficiency -- the collapsing of the bloated structures of rock music into points of energy. "Choose Go!" exemplifies that efficiency, cramming in a full set of sonic rules and then those rules complete breakdown in a concise, endlessly fun package. [8]

Ashley Bardhan: When I first heard this song, I couldn't make out any of the English words other than the emblematic title, "choose go!" Then I heard it in my head after the song was over, that rubbery bassline and those splashing soda-pop cymbals pillowing under the effervescent refrain: "choose go!" What does that mean? Who fucking cares what anything means? I see all the choices of my life lined up in little black boxes in my head, and when I listen to "Choose Go!" I feel cute and I want to set all those boxes on fire. What does that mean? That I like this fucking band. [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[sugar-petals]

Submissive Jungkook

All my ladies noonas, put your hands up!

And everyone else interested in sub!Kook. 

If you have time, join me here for this huge trainwreck of a post.

First: analysis for a general impression

Get ready for some psychology and body language reading

Then: submissive JK in a relationship & in bed 

Drawing inspiration from real life, then comes the fictional element

Without further ado, let’s begin with some awkward throwback

Have you seen the hidden camera prank from Rookie King

Jeon... was lost and in panic

Default reaction when anything sexual happens: freeze and look elsewhere

Bunnies are very timid animals. It’s no coincidence that it’s his nickname besides the physical resemblance

He really is a bunny. JK as a person clings to his idea of polite invisibility or gets defensive using his shenanigans after enduring a whole lot. 

I’ll use the member interactions to show you an example of what I mean. Like when Taehyung tries to get cuddles from him, aggressively so 

Jungkook says Jimin by comparison tries two times, then goes away

But V keeps going and going and going, Kook tolerating it endlessly until he carries Taehyung away 

To me, Jimin has a submissive streak, Taehyung a dominant one. Or at least it came out like that in the situation. Now in which case did you have an actual interaction? The latter. Two subs inevitably part, there’s no incentive while D and S stick like glue. 

Going by this anecdote we can already tell what position’s made for Jeon. Not in terms of Taekook or Jikook or another pairing, but a general attitude. 

Going on the offensive - that’s not his thing except when he goes bowling. But those are pins, not people

Let’s have another example that reveals his mentality and sexual reflexes.

When Namjoon and Jimin talked about the difference between a kiss and a peck, when they asked Jungkook about tongue action

He acted like he was cleaning his body and then, poof! Disappeared

Too pure. Literally.

Playing devil’s advocate: Is he asexual? Nope. The boy was whipped for Victoria from AHL. He was put on the spot cause that’s the only time we see BTS having to act super intimate and even raunchy with girls. Let’s look at that closely.

You can see the full extent of his horniness in body language there

Never did he go all out like that again

But it exposed his entire sexual response pattern

Movements do not lie. Especially when you see the person is in constant unrestricted motion. Body language experts say “the body sings”. And he definitely was really animated. In general, Jungkook’s body language is straight-forward and you’re like “duh”. It’s because he’s very lively which leaves nothing left to guess

He was dancing, jumping, nodding, and clapping when Victoria showed up, biggest bunny smile showing. It was a genuine smile because his eyes followed his mouth. A fake smile is just teeth showing, the rest of the face is still. Meanwhile, Jungkook was eye-smiling his way through the entire episode, pupils wide even with that sunny weather. He side-eyed Victoria countless times, but couldn’t look into her eyes directly. He did the head tilt signature gesture thing which I think is like a “Phew, alright”. 

From then he started taking very deep breaths. His cheeks were also flushed, all that makeup couldn’t hide it. JK constantly fanned himself with his hands, was licking/biting his lips (that’s prep for kissing), and asking for water. He said: “I’m burning up”. “I’m really hot right now.” You’re always hot Kookie ♥

It all fits together: He was in high agreement with the situation, increased heart rate/blood circulation going on. All beyond sheer nervosity because he also expressed eagerness, excitement, and arousal. A person who shows all of these signs in a dense cluster is ready to fuck. Or to get fucked as we will discover now:

He fumbled at his face ALL THE TIME (blocking gesture, trying to hide your reactions in embarrassment), groomed himself, especially eye region/hair and upper body where most attention naturally goes. He propped up his chest, had one hand akimbo to claim space and attention. That’s the peacock JK coming out just a bit. But then his eyes were shyly downcast constantly, what a sub. He also rubbed his hands while doing that (sign of expecting benefit). 

The major thing that gave it away, he presented and touched his neck every so often, covered his eyes, that’s a big submission gesture. He’s not the one looking - he’s being looked at. First, he wanted to be seen, then he felt ashamed, not showing initiative but still kept fanning. Shit was he turned on with nowhere to go. Thank god he had a long shirt. Boy also cooled his neck with the water bottle, whew... erogenous zone out of control.

Like damn, the war of hormone got hold of his ass. 

He even started stress eating all the props hiding in the kitchen

He’s just so adorable, I need a moment

And yes I know. I keep digging up some cringey BTS treasures there. But it’s to show what Kookie does when things are at stake sexually. That was the most visible when confronted with women who’re older than him so far

So here it is: Fight < flight or stay still. It’s not just in AHL, it’s his consistent reaction

Something else that adds to that

He demonstrates high flusteredness paired with dodging all possible interactions, paired with low self-esteem (aka not thinking about yourself in a positive manner). Like when the other boys interacted with the girls he was putting himself down a lot, trying to escape. Suga shows the exact same pattern. Exact same. 

Fearful-avoidant attachment style in psychology 

It’s the hardest attachment style to tackle, it’s neither confident and secure enough to be J-Hope level easy-going

Jungkook needs someone dominant to back him up there and give him, I quote JK himself: “Safety first, safety second, coolness third”

Safety to express himself in particular so all that good erotic energy can go somewhere. His attachment style might be careful but his sex drive, mmmh. It’d grow to be strong and healthy. I think you could easily access him via that route. Especially given that Jungkook is extremely sensitive toward everything physical and learns quickly there

The issue to handle is: Even if he has the dirtiest of thoughts, he doesn’t have the nerve to bring them out completely. It tortures him from the inside. As I said he is very “all in” but lacking release in his behavior

No way on earth you can pair him up with someone equally reserved or anxious. 

Bold extrovert strongly required. 

Though not someone who got the mindset of helping or saving Jungkook from his angsty inner world or overall bashfulness 

Or at worst, playing with that irresponsibly. It needs someone who thinks one step further - it’s about just loving him how he is.

Jungkook likes to be carefree and himself. If he can be unbothered like that everything is fine. The members say he’s really talkative in his comfort zone. Like when he floated on the pool in AHL, he was just himself. Or in that “Jungkook is still a baby” Bangtan Bomb. Or recently in that BTS run episode where he was all sleepy and cuddly.

You have to understand, him being nervous shows much of his investment and desire to do well, but also feeling a bit hindered to show his fun side

And the fearful, insecure attitude anticipates being taken care of by you.

Thus he still doesn’t like to be labeled as the oppa who’s supposed to have everything under control like a true senior. He just can’t and shouldn’t live up to it. Kookie’s just perfect the way he is as a baby boy.

He replicates the relationship of his parents, did you notice. His mom’s calling the shots and his shy dad got chased for his handsomeness. Compare with Victoria analysis above. Sounds familiar? 

I think more and more of his capricious character comes out when you’re being all mommy for Kook, and he’ll love to fool around. The relationship will be very light-hearted.

At some point he reciprocates the care, it’ll be mutual.

He likes feeding others and being fed. Lamb skewers ;) Oral fixation! That can lead to a lot more if you venture into your bedroom

As we know now, his neck is the key.

Imagine pinning him down playfully and leaving some hickeys

While feeding each other some nice dessert. Jungkook can suck your fingers and you’ll steal a bunch of kisses to remove some cream from his chin

The bunny nickname prophecy applies again. After warming up you’ll actually fuck like rabbits. He got the body for it. You’ll be immensely passionate with him. Jungkook, before he even grows into making an expertly smooth conversation with you, can please you like a pro in the sheets it’s incredible

He communicates better between your thighs. Oh Jesus take the wheel, on your entire body. He’ll cup your breasts gently, massage your belly and back, stroke your hair, kiss your forehead, your feet, nose, eyelids.  

Granted, he’ll still be shy, but follows your lead quite enthusiastically

Eagerness and excitement, remember. 

You can ride him good and wild, hands on his - alert, alert - chest

And guide you through your orgasms securely. You’ll reassure Kook how gorgeous he is, so cute and, well. Hot

And he’ll be all smiley and happy.

So

Now you know it

Submissive Jungkook is just absolutely precious.

Thank you for reading! Have a nice day and leave comments if you like. Should I write something like this for another member? Any requests welcome.

[niemasross-blog]

You gotta lift the feather box.

You're the only person who can rescue themselves from the shit you sit in. The funny thing about depression, is the routine of the emotional hit, the downward spiral and then the build up, which in turn gives you this strange enriching high of self empowerment. The routine becomes normal...steady and  but then you find yourself in the same place when something effects you to cause the depression. Over and over, the same fucking routine, the cycle of my depression made me laugh recently, not because I was feeling manic, I laughed harshly because I'm tired of the routine. A sharp small laugh of "this is fucking ridiculous". I find my depression and recovery fucking ridiculous. Why? I don't finish the recovery, I ride the high of reassuring myself, the big motivational moment I share with others, I ride the waves of shallow personal encouragement. And then when those highs start to wear off, I stop recovering. I stop asking questions from the past, I stop writing, creating, soul searching expansion and growth. I stop recovering. I stop healing. Not that anyone will ever be fully healed, but you can expand and grow, be vulnerable, honest and open about everything happening in your life, warts and all. You have to continue to face your bullshit constantly, this is an important step to take in order to really look at the nonsense you feed yourself so your healing doesn’t ever past the point of clarity of actively acknowledging something needs to change, you stay stuck and the shitty cycle starts all fucking over again. Christ. Fucking exhausting.

I have learned my intimate relationships with men cause me the most fucking grief and blocks on my path of recovery. I have learned I give to the point of personal exhaustion and emptiness. Learning this truth has been frustrating to accept...I thought I was meant to give all of myself in order to be loved. Fuck no I don't. How the hell can I like and love myself if I have given it all away? If my reservoir of love, worth and deserving is empty because I have given all these things to others: how am I supposed to flourish when I feel empty? This has to stop. Immediately. There's nothing remarkable about being emotionally empty while watching others flourish and they don't return what they have taken. Seems counter active, no give and all take, no balance: no mutual emotional support of growth, vulnerabilities and admiration. It's one sided and the relationship isn't fulfilling except for the person who is receiving. It's toxic. Very toxic for both people. Not worth all the emptiness just to have someone in your life or to say you have someone in your life. Because do you actually have someone? Or do you have the idea of what it is to have someone available? Because for me, I feel lonelier with this toxic relationship, I do not feel as if I really have someone in my life who wants to make the effort to see my value, to know me, and can see the effort I put into myself to know my fucking worth and deserving of the love, effort and energy I give to others. I cannot care or love someone in the hopes they will change just because I cared about them. No amount of love you endlessly give with no consideration to yourself will ever make anyone change or know how to care in return, they just know how to take and receive because you have given and keeping giving even when there is nothing left.. I know this pattern of behavior is coming from a painful place of confusing what I think is love, but its a one sided kind of love which extends from attempting to right the wrongs of the past, my sexual abuse, molestation, rape, paired with feelings of neglect, abandonment and not being believed when expressing said abuses; also dealing with the ugly divorce of my parents, the change of my family when my father married my stepmother, my mother being so blindly angry at my father she took out this anger on me, which in turn made me feel it was my fault our family broke apart. The strange feeling of being a stranger in my both my parent’s homes. I never felt as if I belonged to anyone, yet they said they cared and loved me, but up until the birth of my own children and the then end of my 15 year marriage, I was never able to see all of my parental figures were struggling to understand love and themselves. This does not excuse many of the tears I shed quietly, the confusion of wondering why I was not good enough, but I can not continue to blame them. I have learned when solely blaming others for the way your life plays out will hold you back without you realizing how heavy the burden you’re carrying is and to continue to blame others and not taking personal responsibility will never change a fucking thing, you will continue to sit in the shit, continue to carry the unnecessary burdens. The weight of guilt, shame and confusion sits upon your chest like a box of feathers, individually the feathers are easy to remove, but held together, this box feels impossible to lift alone. Not being believed when I opened up about my sexual abuses placed a mindset in me very early on, which said I caused this abuse to happen in the first place, and I was confused because the attention I so desperately craved never felt right, it was dirty and I knew it was wrong...isolation and being alone while hurting will cause you cling onto anything and anyone toxic. Not being believed told me I was not allowed to say no when someone wanted something from me because it was my word against theirs and who was I to say anything? No one would believe me anyway nor would they acknowledge the aftermath of the abuse, so I swallowed it down like a boulder. I began the process of giving myself away to anyone who would give me attention, which I confused as love or friendship. I lost all my power. I lost myself and it took years to find me again. Now I am at a point of recovery and emotional expansion which I desperately needed to face, along with personal responsibility in order to remove the box of feathers. You have to face all the demons, guilt, shame, embarrassment; break them down one by one and by facing them: you expand into a new freedom. The rose colored glasses are off, shattered and in the rubbish bin where they fucking belong. The shame, guilt and lies you've deceived yourself into believing go away, the raw sensation you're becoming a fully capable person who isn't the victim anymore, she has power, she can see people for who they are and she doesn't have to be powerless because of the fear of going on this journey of self awareness and healing. But you have to suck it the fuck up, be brave and venture forth on your path in order to be recovered. No one else is going to save you, except yourself. No one else is going to do the work for you. If you want to make the changes, then make the fucking changes. Remove your feather box from your chest so you can breathe, face your bullshit in order to see it all around you, that way no one or life itself will never take everything from you and leave you empty for yourself.