Thirteen
Word Count: 968
(The vibes of this are inspired by the song, “Thirteen” by Big Star. Simple and comforting.)
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To no one's surprise, Ava was the first person Lilly ever confided in about her identity, the first person she'd ever came out to.
Her own parents would undoubtedly become the most difficult to tell, but Ava, being the first, was difficult for her own reasons.
Both of them are thirteen years old when it happens.
Officially teenagers.
All the hormones of teenage-hood creep their way in.
Lilly's feelings for Ava burn more intensely in her heart, thanks to the hormones.
The feelings aren't a part of a childish crush anymore, they are something solid and real.
Love, strong and long-lasting.
Lilly has tried to get over Ava, to put her heart in anyone else's hands, but to no avail.
Boys, as she's quickly learned, have no appeal to her at all.
The idea of dating a boy, then marrying a man, makes her stomach churn as if she is going to throw up.
Other girls in her classes, while pretty and quite smart, do not have the same affect on her that Ava does.
They don't create the same butterflies in her stomach, they don't make her face burn up and her hands shake with nervous excitement whenever she so much as looks at them.
As time has gone on, since Ava has stolen Lilly's heart, Lilly puts the pieces together, coming to the realization that she only likes girls, possibly- definitively- only likes Ava.
She's a lesbian, plain and simple.
It's a word that's hard to say at first.
But it sounds right with time.
One weekend, both their moms drop them off at their old elementary school playground for a little while.
Lilly wants to tell Ava her revelation, she wants to tell someone.
Her best friend in the most important person to her, she wants to tell her first.
Though, telling Ava is, ironically, trickier than what telling her parents will be like, or what telling Rose and Lucas will be like.
Ava, unknowingly and to no fault of her own, sparked all of this.
By God, Lilly isn't ready to tell her how she feels, that she's in love with her.
But she is ready to tell her half of the whole story.
"Do you ever think about, y'know... people at school?" She starts awkwardly, taking a seat on one of the jungle gym's platforms, near the spinning monkey bars.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you ever think about people in a... different way than friends?"
Ava stands above Lilly, reaching forward to grab ahold of the closest monkey bar.
"No," She states, swinging herself around to face Lilly. "Do you mean the, the boys in our classes?"
Lilly grimaces, Ava doesn't understand why.
"I guess so." She sighs. "You don't think about them?"
Truth be told, Ava hasn't thought about boys at all.
Her mom often asks the light-hearted question of, "Are there any boys you think are cute?", to which Ava always shakes her head.
She has no interest in boys.
She has a few great friends and Lilly as her bestest friend in the whole-wide-world.
Ava doesn't need, or want, anyone else.
"Nope. Do you?" She asks in return.
Lilly looks at her, pushing down the nerves that are rattling around inside of her.
She gets the answer out quickly,
"No... I think about girls."
The words hit Ava's ears. a new concept she'd been vaguely aware of, but never heard of with with someone so close to her.
"That's- you- you do?" Ava asks bluntly, spinning herself around and jumping off the monkey bar, ungracefully landing on the platform next to Lilly.
She doesn't ask it in a judgmental way, she's more intrigued by it than anything.
Her lack of judgment allows Lilly to breathe calmly.
"Yeah, I do. You're the first person I've told."
"Oh, wow." Ava says. "Do you feel, um... better that you, that you told someone?"
Lilly nods, then shrugs, uncertain of herself,
"It feels weird to talk about it with someone else, but it feels good, too."
"That's good." Ava smiles at her for a moment.
Lilly smiles faintly back at her.
It feels weird and good and terrifying to be out to someone, all at the same time.
"How, how long have you known?" Ava asks.
She back-pedals as fast as she can when Lilly looks like she's seen a ghost.
"You don't have to tell me if, if you don't want to. You don't have to tell me anything, I, I won't... dig into your thoughts."
Lilly is grateful for that sentiment, that Ava won't beg for answers to her questions.
Some things can, thankfully, go unanswered.
At least for right now, while they're only thirteen years old and where Ava has just discovered the concept of two people of the same gender being in love while on the monkey bars of their old school playground.
Lilly sighs and it sounds like a faint laugh.
A sound of relief and gratitude.
"Thank you. I'm still figuring things out, it takes time."
In part, that answers Ava's question.
Lilly has known for some time and discovering that fact of her life takes time.
"I'm here if you need help figuring anything out." Ava tells her earnestly.
Lilly has a million ways she could respond to that, more than half of them would tell Ava the truth of how she learned that she doesn't like boys.
Her heart swells with joy and love, she's incredibly lucky to have a best friend like Ava.
She settles for a side-hug and the calm reply of,
"I know."
Telling Ava is the first time she'll have to explain things to people, to explain it to her parents and tells her friends about it.
But she feels hopeful, now more than ever.
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