#Literally told my advisor I did the whole thing correctly

[daphnis-is-screaming]

Literally forgot an organization I am a part of has an alum program that will help me find a job.

My advisor from there texted me this morning asking me how my job hunt was going and if I was going to reach out to the alum dept. about getting help.

I’m p sure they’ll just tell me to do the shit I’ve already been doing! But hopefully they at least have jobs they know of I can apply for, too.

[i-am-bitterly-jittery]

Simply Meant To Be (pt 1)

An expansion on this soulmate blurb (no Virgil in this one though)

[part 2]

Rating: teen

Word Count: 2130

Pairings: Roceit, Intrulogical

Warnings: minor swearing

~~~START~~~

Roman is a romantic, that’s just a fact. He loves love. Any day he gets to watch two soulmates meet each other is automatically a good day. The second best day of his life was getting to watch Remus meet their soulmate when they were sixteen. The best day of his life is reserved for when he meets his own soulmate. 

It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. One day. 

For now, Roman is content with being colorblind (well not content, but he’s learned to not let it bother him too much). Remus and Logan are actually a huge help with that. Logan has even gone as far as to make a list of all of Roman’s clothing and includes a chart of what pieces do and do not go together based on Remus’ (admittedly professional) opinions, and Remus actually went through and labeled all of Roman’s makeup with what color it is and what kind of look it should go with. 

Anyone who vaguely knew the twins might think that Remus would use this opportunity to mess with Roman, but Remus knows how much Roman hates being colorblind; they would never lie to Roman about colors — about other things? Sure, but not colors. 

Remus and Logan met when Logan moved to their school from Georgia. One day Remus had claimed that there was a trail of color — they would later learn that it was navy blue, Logan’s soon-to-be favorite color — leading from the parking lot, to the main office, to the east wing. They’d chosen to skip first period in order to follow it, having never seen the trail before, and Roman, being unwilling to miss the opportunity to watch his brother meet their soulmate, followed him. Remus had walked right into a physics classroom, and straight for a boy with short curls and thick glasses that Roman had never seen before and declared him their soulmate. 

Roman got detention for skipping first period, Remus got a pass on account of meeting their soulmate. 

Most people met their soulmates before they turned twenty-five, after all, how difficult can it be when all you have to do is find the trail of color they leave behind them everywhere they go and follow it?

Well, as Roman has learned in his thirty-five years of being alive, it can be pretty freaking difficult. 

As children, Roman and Remus had wandered their town far and wide looking for colorful trails, and even after they met Logan, Remus continued to go with Roman as he searched, even if they couldn’t see Roman’s soulmate’s trail themself. As soon as Roman graduated from high school, he took the customary gap year that most everybody who hadn’t met their soulmates yet takes to search for their soulmates. 

He never caught a glimpse of anything. 

“What if I missed them somehow? What if I saw their trail and just didn’t realize it?” Roman whines one day at his usual Saturday brunch — because they’re adults goddammit — with Remus and Logan. 

“You wouldn’t have missed them, Ro bro,” Remus assures him as they do every time Roman starts lamenting about having not met his soulmate yet. “Colors are so unmistakable that there’s no way you’ll miss them.”

“And even if you are genetically colorblind — which is unlikely considering Remus is not,” Logan continues before Roman has a chance to respond. “I have read multiple papers that state that soultrails will still make themselves distinct. There are multiple accounts of the trails emitting light, absorbing light, or even emitting sound. All of that is, of course, on top of the translucent cloud that follows your soulmate’s every move. I find it improbable that you, of all people, would not have noticed a soultrail.”

“Yeah, I know you guys are right,” Roman sighs. “I just want to meet them! I’ve travelled all over the place looking for them, where are they?”

Remus says nothing, which Roman is grateful for because Remus has a habit of saying dark jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood, and Roman really doesn’t need to hear them suggest that his soulmate died in a car crash or something right now. Besides, the question is rhetorical. If Remus could see Roman’s soulmate’s trail, then he’s sure they would have spent the last nineteen years looking for them too. 

“Sorry, I guess I brought the mood down,” Roman apologizes. “How are you guys?”

Remus opens their mouth.  

“The PG version, please!” Roman rushes to say before Remus can mentally scar him. Again. 

Remus closes their mouth again. 

Logan rolls his eyes fondly and proceeds to get Roman up to date on all the high school gossip. 

“- and of course the middle school’s robotics instructor left suddenly to follow her soulmate to England, so I have taken over as their advisor until a suitable replacement can be hired.”

“How is that?” Roman asks, cringing at the thought of having to deal with middle schoolers. Kids in general kind of freak him out, but middle schoolers especially. 

“It has been fine, they are not as adept as my high school students, but of course for many of them this is their introduction to such things, so I’m trying to be patient and supportive.”

Roman snorts at that. He’s sure Logan is a good teacher, but his brother-in-law can be a bit short tempered, and has a habit of talking down to people who don’t understand what he’s trying to tell them. 

“Don’t laugh at him!” Remus jumps in to defend their soulmate. “Logan’s great with kids, it’s adults he has a problem with.”

“They are much too old to be as ignorant as they are,” Logan defends himself resolutely. 

“Of course they are, Sugar Butt.” Logan cringes slightly at the pet name, which is really all Remus is ever looking for with their pet names. 

“Anyway,” Logan says, somewhat forcefully. “There is one student who seems to know what he is doing, but he doubts himself at every turn. I have tried telling him that he is doing everything correctly, but he is… reluctant to trust himself.”

“Maybe as the year goes on he’ll gain confidence,” Remus suggests. Logan hums in acknowledgment, and Roman takes that as the end of talking about Logan’s students. “Oh! Ro bro! Did you hear the theater got a new makeup artist?”

“Finally!” Roman groans, thinking back on their last makeup artist. “I swear Lisa was trying to poke my eyes out every time she did my eyeliner!”

“Oh she probably was,” Remus comments offhandedly. “I told her — back when she first started with the theater — that you thought that makeup artisting was a waste of time.”

“WHAT!?” Roman screeches, gaining the attention of the staff and other patrons. 

“Roman,” Logan warns, growing uncomfortable under the curious stares. 

“How could you do that to me?” Roman hisses at a much quieter volume. “I never said that! She hated me for five years because of you!”

Remus shrugs, slurping the end of their drink through their straw loudly. 

“You better not make the new artist hate me!”

“I would never!” Remus gasps, clutching their heart dramatically. 

Roman glares. 

“Cross my heart!” Remus insists with a much too innocent expression. 

“I hate you.”

Remus just gasps again before dissolving into uncontrollable giggles. 

 ~~~

There isn’t rehearsal on Sunday, so Roman doesn’t have to go in to work. Unfortunately, he is saddled by the knowledge that Remus — as the theater’s costume designer — does have to go in today, and therefore has a whole day to lie to the new makeup artist about him. 

Come Monday, all Roman can do is hope that Remus hasn’t done irreparable damage. 

“Calm down,” Remus orders when they come to pick Roman up. “They weren’t even in yesterday; I haven’t met them yet.”

“I’m not letting you ruin my relationship with the makeup artist again,” Roman pouts. 

“Just try and stop me!” Remus cackles. 

Once they reach the theater, Roman practically jumps from the car before Remus has even parked. 

“REAL MATURE!” Remus yells after him as he sprints for the theater door. 

“THIS ONE IS GOING TO LIKE ME!” Roman yells back. 

“NOT IF I MEET THEM FIRST!”

Roman skids to a stop as soon as he reaches the lobby. Not expecting their twin to just be standing there, Remus slams into his back, throwing them both to the ground. 

“The fuck, Ro Bro?” Remus demands as they flop off their brother and onto their back. 

“I-I see it,” Roman whispers, voice filled with wonder. 

“See what?” Remus demands. “The lobby? You’ve seen the lobby bef-oh!”

The awestruck look on Roman’s face finally clicks, and Remus bounces excitedly. 

“You see it? Like it it?” Remus scrambles to their feet, dragging Roman up with them. “Where? Which way does it go?”

“It looks like how the sun feels,” Roman says instead of answering. “All light and warm and good.”

“Roman Kingsley you tell me which way your soulmate went this instant!” Remus demands loudly. This is important dammit!

“It goes from there,” Roman points to the side door that’s usually used by staff that take the bus to work. “To there,” the door leading backstage. 

“Excellent!” Remus cheers dragging Roman forward. “Time for your date with destiny!”

Remus throws the backstage door open dramatically, but Roman groans as he realizes that his soulmate’s trail is going in literally every direction, making it impossible to know which way they went last. 

“Well?” Remus asks expectantly. 

“Either my soulmate is familiarizing themself to the theater, or they knew I’d be here and are trying to spite me,” Roman answers somewhat dejectedly. “I can’t tell which trail is freshest.”

“Well shit.” Remus scans each entry as though Roman’s soulmate will just happen to wander in (plausible, considering they’ve trailed all over the theater). 

“Hey guys!” A voice calls from by the dressing rooms. The brothers turn to find Thomas, the owner of the theater and their boss. 

“Thomas!” Remus cries gleefully. “My absolute favoritest person in the world behind my incredibly sexy soulmate!”

“Okay, so you want something,” Thomas answers with an amused grin. Remus always piles on the compliments when they want something.

“Who’s new today?” Roman asks, more to the point. 

“Like, in the theater?” Thomas asks. “Just Janus, the new makeup artist. Why?” Thomas’s eyes widen as if he’s just had a realization. “You’re not going to prank him or something, are you? He’s very talented, I can’t have you scaring him away already!”

“Roman’s soulmate is the new makeup artist? Lame,” Remus pouts. “How am I supposed to trick him into hating Roman?”

“Soulmate?”

“My soulmate is in the building, Thomas!” Roman declares, striking a dashing pose before deflating a little. “Except his trail leads all over the place, I don’t know where he went!”

“Oh… well,” Thomas looks to each direction Janus could have gone, but he clearly doesn’t know which way Janus would have gone. “He said he wanted to get a lay of the land before everyone got here…”

“I got this!” Remus pipes up suddenly before cupping their hands around their mouth like a megaphone and screaming at the top of their lungs. “JANUS!”

“What?” A faint, far-off voice calls back, followed but the sound of hurried footsteps. “Thomas?”

“Dressing rooms!” Thomas calls back. 

Footsteps thunder down the stairs, and all too soon a man appears on them. 

The first time you lay eyes on your soulmate, you begin to see the world in color. Everyone’s experience is different: Remus said that as soon as he laid eyes on Logan, the world exploded violently into vibrant shades. Logan said that colors appeared one at time, quickly, but slow enough for him to notice. Roman’s mom said that her soulmate’s trail swelled to fill the space before things slowly began to take on their proper color, and his mama said that it was almost like everything had always had color, she just hadn’t bothered to notice before. 

For Roman, the man before him is painted in vibrant shades while the background remains in grayscale, but as soon as the man makes eye contact, his colors begin to slowly bleed throughout the space. 

The man’s eyes widen as he stares, slack-jawed at Roman — no doubt mirroring Roman’s own expression. 

“I’m Roman,” Roman says quickly, before Remus can forever ruin his first meeting with his soulmate by making a dick joke or something. 

The man smiles and Roman immediately decides that his favorite color is whatever this guy’s eyes are — they’re hazel, but Roman will later change his favorite color to red after realizing how stunning and bold the color is when it isn’t just another shade of gray. 

“Janus.”

~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~

General Taglist:

@royalty-of-all-things-snuggly

@pixelated-pineapple

[lotionalt-writeherman]

A lot of people on the GoT tag like “I expected too much” and “knew there’d be some bullshit ending” but I want to stop that. Because NO. No. You did NOT expect too much. You expected a well-written season that accurately portrayed the characters and show. Like you’ve been getting for years. Like they promised. 

This show has been epic. EPIC. Nearly every fan will tell you, at least up through season six, that this is the best show ever made. And they were right. Because this shit WAS good. We had incredible character arcs, complex plot to go with them, and absolutely beautiful endings. Everything has always come together. It’s always seemed somewhat fitting, or at least made sense looking back. It’s always been one of those things where you scream when it happens, but then later you’re like yeah, it sucked, but looking back I get how we got here. (When Jon was stabbed by the Night’s Watch. When Joffrey was poisoned by Olenna. When Tyrion killed his dad, then Shae. Hell, the Red Wedding, even. When Jon turns out to be a Targaryen) 

And that was good writing. Like, real, quality writing. Characters may have been doing dumb shit, but it made sense for those characters. 

This season? 

Everything went south. I don’t know exactly what happened, to be honest. Maybe it’s because they’re not following the books. Maybe it’s because they’re trying to cram two books worth of plot in one season. 

Either way, it’s garbage. 

Let’s go through the characters they’ve done wrong, shall we? 

Tyrion. Tyrion is the clever one. He’s always a step or two ahead, can always see what’s going on. And this season and the last he’s been... what? Not doing that. Like, really not doing that. His whole thing is that he can’t fight, but he can think. That’s what he has going for him. And in just this episode, he’s not seen Sansa’s reveal of the secret for what it so obviously is, told Varys (literally everyone saw that one coming), and freed Jaime to help their sister (who is evil, whom Tyrion hates) escape. That’s just this episode. What happened?

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention how literally no one in Winterfell was like, “hey, maybe we shouldn’t put all the people who can’t fight where the dead people are. Because, you know, the dead people can come back to life, and we all know that, but we’re ignoring it.” You’re telling me Sansa and Tyrion BOTH overlooked that shit? When every idiot on Twitter was talking about it the MINUTE it was mentioned in Ep 2? Nah. 

Jon. To be fair, Jon’s been pretty in character for what we know about him. He found a queen, he’s loyal to her because he’s loyal and that’s his thing. But how about when Sansa is like “yo, shouldn’t we let our guys rest, since they just fought like a billion dead guys?” and jon’s like, nah, whatever Dany said? I’m calling bullshit. Also this last episode I feel like he kind of does nothing. Which isn’t Jon’s style. He’s a do-er, always has been. And he’s a leader. Yes, he respects Dany and even cares for her, but I find it hard to believe he’s really going to just... step back. and ignore everything she’s doing. and not offer an opinion, like, ever. That’s not his style, it’s never been his style. Ever since he arrived on the Wall, the one thing we know about Jon Snow is that he can’t keep his mouth shut if he thinks something is wrong. And we’re just going to... ignore that?

Jaime. I kind of don’t want to do him, because my boy got done so clearly wrong and everyone is doing him. But whatever, I’ll state the obvious. We had about 3 seasons of pure character development for him, where Jaime was learning that he still had honor, PROVING he still had honor. By himself. No Cersei, just Jaime out there in the world not being an asshole. Because he is honorable. Remember King’s Landing, when he earned ‘Kingslayer?’ Remember when he promised Catelyn he’d protect her girls, and he really did do everything, including betraying Cersei, to keep that promise? Remember when he lost his hand to stop Brienne from being raped? Remember when he leaves Cersei to join the army in the North because he doesn’t want millions to die? So excuse me if it makes no logical sense for the man to decide ‘fuck it, honor what honor imma go fuck my sister again.’ Because he’s changed. They made a point to show us the lengths to which he’s changed. And then the ending he’s given is basically ‘I only care about you, Cersei, I don’t care about the thousands dying in king’s landing.’ That’s disrespect, yo. DISRESPECT. 

Dany. Again, this one’s obvious. And honestly, from what I’ve seen, pretty much everyone can agree that this shit was dumb. Yeah, there were hints that she could someday go crazy. Yeah, she said some stuff seasons ago about burning cities. You know what else she did, though? She saw slavery. She saw how it hurt the individual person, the people, and she wanted it gone. So she ended it, because it was wrong. She spent whole seasons trying not to be her father, to be just. At literally the first sign that her dragons were hurting innocents (burned that one kid) she locked them all up. Because she couldn’t stand to see innocent people hurt. She sees the wrong in her father’s actions, because she knows that he wanted to kill normal, everyday, innocent people. He wanted to burn them all, but all of them dying wasn’t justice, and that’s always been what she’s wanted: justice. Even the Tarlys got a choice: bend the knee or die. In her mind, it was justice. She let them choose, even after they initially fought against her. But then, this season, she flips all that? Goes back on the claim of not wanting to be “queen of the ashes”? Burns the entire city to the ground, including her own troops? No. 

I know that she’s sad because Jorah is dead, because Missandei is dead, because it looks like her advisors have betrayed her, like Jon doesn’t want to be with her. So she’s upset because she’s alone. And that makes sense. You can get a little depressed over it. But she wins. She gets there. She has King’s Landing in the palm of her hand, and instead of going in and taking the Iron Throne like a boss, she completely disrespects the memory of all those who have died for her and burns everything and everyone. Missandei said “dracarys” as her final word, which has been the justification for this decision. But for Dany to take her words to mean “burn the city and every kid in here to the ground” is just as absurd as assuming Missandei would ever want that. Dany knew this girl. She’s had her with her for years at this point. That’s not what she would’ve wanted. It all goes back to justice. That’s what Missandei wanted. That’s what Dany has always wanted. And burning King’s Landing wasn’t it. Continuity is nonexistent for Daenerys here. It’s just gone. 

And I’ll say, again, what everyone has been saying: if this had been set up better, I wouldn’t be mad. I think Dany as a mad queen, set up properly in the narrative, would’ve been fine. I’ve always liked Dany, but I’m not saying any of this because she’s my favorite. She’s not. But I can still see that the way that this was done, in the span of three episodes, didn’t work. There isn’t enough evidence to support this yet. If there had been actions, real actions, even just through the last season that could hint at this, fine. I would’ve accepted it. It’s kind of a cool way for this to go, honestly, if done correctly. But it wasn’t, and that’s what my problem with it is. She was set up as a character with a code of values, a strong belief in justice for wrongdoers and relief for innocents, and has consistently shown through her actions that she follows that code. You can’t completely change a character arc in a span of three episodes based on her actions of justice against those who have clearly wronged her, at least in her mind. That’s not how you write characters. 

Where the actual hell is the decent writing? Because the only cool things this season have been from previous seasons. Like Jon is Aegon Targaryen. That shit was WILD. I loved it. I loved how it’d been set up, everything. But like... that’s it.That’s the only cool thing set up this season. Everything else is this surface level bullshit. It feels like a soap opera. Where is the scheming? Where is the intricate plot weaving that’s been a part of this show since day one? That’s the reason we’re here. That. Not because we like it when characters die, because we want flashy battles and dragon scenes. Those are nice, but not why this show blew up like it did. This show is so impressive because it’s smart. Not because it’s big or gruesome or shocking. Because it’s smart. I feel like that was obvious to everyone. You should’ve known that. You had eight seasons to set up this incredible ending. You knew it was coming. 

Instead, you ignored the previous seasons. The plots, the characters. All the potential there. You had years to plan. You saw the theories, the ideas everywhere. And because you were so intent on being impressive, on surprising everybody and doing something no one expected, you fucked up. Instead of focusing on delivering quality, you focused on shock value. “No one ever thought of this,” You said proudly. No one thought of this because no one thought you would be this fucking stupid.

So.. yeah. fuck d&d. :)

[sitinthelight]

Well Zach is in his hometown for a few days and I’m in this weird restless mood while being super tired at the exact same time. 

I want to go drinking and I want to dance. Actually, I mostly just want to dance.  I want to be happy and so fucking giddy that I’m out of my mind and care free and just be in that moment when nothing matters so I’m going to have a good time.

Do you ever have a conversation and you realize hmmm, I probably shouldn’t have said that because now it’s weird? I mean, that’s kind of every extended conversation I have with anyone but still.

I kind of want to punch myself in the face (((: but at the same time, I want to go dancing, so? 

I am not going to beat myself up over this! I refuse to! You know, I have gotten so much better about feeling guilty over everything! And I was being vulnerable! So bonus points, right? 

Anyway, I’m friends with my ex. I guess we’ve become good friends in the past several months. He asked me if I still was planning to move to Charlotte and of course my whole situation is convoluted (in my mind) so I was like, can I explain it to you over skye because I didn’t feel like talking about it through text. 

Jesus, I have no idea how anyone deals with me and talking to me because words don’t come out of my mouth correctly? Like in my head I’m just like this is what I will say! But when it comes out of my mouth it’s like scrabble with words. Have fun rearranging my sentence and guessing what I’m trying to say! AND I SAID NOT TO BEAT MYSELF UP. I will learn how to talk to people one day, I swear. 

SO, we’re skyping and he finally gets me to start talking about the situation at hand and I’m explaining the developments in some sort of way and telling him my options. I then proceed to kind of casually mention my hesitation of moving to a new place with Zach because I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be with him. AND boy oh boy oh boy, why did I mention that? To my ex. 

Granted, he took it well. He is probably used to my awkwardness by now so I’m guessing that helps and he was very nice and understanding about it and didn’t ask any further questions and I don’t even remember what I said after that.

But I’m kind of mortified. 

Btw, I was finally emailed the new leasing terms for my apartment as this current lease ends in July. The new rent will be nearly $1000 and I’m just in shock that they put it up that high out of seemingly no where? With no justification. This is a nice place, I have been very fortunate to have been able to live here for the past 2 years but fuck that. I’m going to start paying my own rent in July and I’m not spending that much money on rent in fucking Winston Salem. Literally, the only other apartments in this area that are that expensive are the fancy luxury ones downtown. 

Is $1000 a month normal in other cities or even considered a steal for a 2 bedroom 2 bath? Oh absolutely, but this is Winston Salem. I was told that the price I’ve been paying this past year was way too high but this extra $150 is just head-scratching. How? Why? What on earth. I know Charlotte is worse but like, this isn’t Charlotte. 

Yikes can I go on a tangent. Anywayyyyy, yes. I am mortified. Yep yep yep yep yep. Always saying a little toooooo much to people who don’t really need to know that much. Is he a good friend? yes. But he is also my ex and he doesn’t need shit like that dumped on him as I’m sure he has his own problems to deal with.

But it’s been done. It has been said. He was nice about it! I will let this feeling happen for as long as it needs to and then I will resume normal business. I will apologize in the morning and it will be fine. He’ll be cool about it like he always is.

However, there is some adrenaline in my system right now. Like, my mind is going wwwoooooosh all over the place. 

I always used to be on my toes around my ex, even during the month and a half we dated. Even during everything that happened after that. He gave me soooo much social anxiety. I once held my pee in for like 4 hours hanging out with him because I was too afraid to move or say I had to go to the bathroom. But Jesus, I reallyyyyy liked him and I wanted to get to know him better and whelp, it’s several years later and I finally am getting over my social anxiety with him. Talking to him regularly has definitely helped. 

Honestly, my social anxiety hasn’t been bad lately. I’m still reluctant to make phone calls, except at work. I’m doing so much better with calling people at work. That used to be my most hated task at the bookstore. I hated calling customers to give them bad news about their orders. I always tried to send out emails instead. 

But I’ve been chatty with my coworkers and trying to establish “bonds” with them. Dave and Busters opened in the mall so I’m trying to slowly and low-key convince my coworker to go with me. She’s pretty cool. We actually have a lot in common but sadly we are both awkward introverts so it’s taken a year of working with each other to finally figure that out. 

The coworker I really wanted to be friends with quit. I feel like we could have been pretty good friends because we have SO much in common and she definitely tried getting to know me on multiple occasions but my personality can be so unforgiving. I act uninterested in fear of being overly interested and IT IS FUCKING GREAT ((((((:

It’s also very possible that I may have had a tiny crush on her. Not like an OMG I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS PERSON type of crush.  More like, she’s cute and quirky and I really think she’s cool but I have a boyfriend so these thoughts will stay subdued. 

But I haven’t really felt socially anxious lately? And that’s been great. It makes my world a smidge more easier. Depression though? Still here. Always lurking. Always waiting for a moment to strike. The nice weather helps so much though. I’m still weighing pros and cons of medication and therapy in my current situation. I definitely want to put a lot more research and thought into it before I make any decisions. I just know that I want to be on some proper treatment path before seasonal depression hits again. 

You know, I have the day off tomorrow. Originally I was going to stay in for most of the day. I was going to leave to pick up a package from the front office (because I bought the most  “me” shoes ever”), but now I’m debating actually going out and doing something. 

I kind of want to go downtown. That’s so far been my favorite part of this city. There is a brewery/bar that makes an amazing vegetarian burger and though I’m not vegetarian, it’s a fucking amazing burger. Right next to that brewery is a really cool store that sells local items and they have a huge selection of vintage clothes! I walked in out of curiosity a few weeks ago and fell in love with the atmosphere and just the general vibe of the place. 

I’m now considering this because I just got an email (who sends emails after midnight?) from the metaphysical store downtown. There is apparently going to be a flash sale and while I don’t need new crystals, they had some really cool ones last time I was in there and hey, maybe this is the time to pick some new ones up. 

This is all just a late night and too tired to be alive fever dream though. Honestly, I’ll probably just stay in but one of these days, I’ll do something fun. When I finally get this driving thing down, I’ll have as many fun days as I want because it just sounds like a hassle getting an uber there and back and walking around downtown (which is huge and not every street is entirely safe) by myself. Like the crystal store. It’s really only a ten minute walk but I’m a chicken, okay? I’ve never dealt with so many creeps in my life in any other city as I have here. Did that sentence even make sense? Probably not, I don’t care. 

BUT I MIGHT SEE SUPERORGANISM SUNDAY. SO THAT WILL BE FUN.

I’m really hoping Zach will be up for it. I’m praying he will be. I really really really want to go. I’ve become so fond of this band. I’d be so happy to see them live. Also the venue is in a former mid-century car dealership so I’m dying to see it. Zach is the only person whose been around me often enough to know this but I LOVE mid-century modern design and architecture. 

I also want a reason to wear fun make up and dress up. Like, this is an excuse to use crazy eyeshadow and glitter because the band is fairly eccentric. 

We’ll see though. Zach was supposed to be driving back Saturday evening but his dad bought tickets to see some musician (Bob...S...something) in Virginia for Saturday evening so he’ll be driving back Sunday morning instead :/ It’s like a 4 hour drive from there to here so I don’t know if he’ll have the energy or motivation to drive 1.5 hours to Durham for a band he is only mildly interested in. 

I really should just stay in tomorrow though. I could really use the time to answer the essay questions for my application for school and answer back to the advisor (that they already assigned me?). He just wants to go over the program details with me because it is a bit rigorous. I’m up for the challenge though. I need something productive to occupy my time with and I’ve had a good break these past 2 years.

[runespoor7]

Plum Aeducan Returns (spoilers for Orzammar)

*blows off dust after more than a year the playthrough went languishing*

Let’s start with a classic round of talking to the companions.

I’d forgotten how much Sten loves Plum. He’s the companion with the highest approval, we’re at “kadan” terms of endearment, and everything.

...I’d also forgotten Plum apparently “started a romance” with Zevran when I wasn’t paying attention. (By start a romance I mean she flirted, it’s not supposed to mean anything or go anywhere in her mind. It’s just cheerfully grim semi-professional flirting. gallows flirting.) This Bears Watching TM as I could see her actually going for it and ditching Alistair - and I cannot overstate how much she isn’t supposed to ditch Alistair. (not to mention that Zevran is turning out to be quite the attraction to several other wardens I have planned, and I prefer to have a wide range of LI across varied playthroughs). So that’s gonna be a fun loss of approval as well!

She’s not as close to Morrigan as Iris is, but she finds Morrigan rather charming. She’s witty and full of arcane knowledge that seems very useful. And she’s very kind: Plum certainly wasn’t expecting Morrigan to extend sympathies when Plum told her that her mom died a long time ago.

And then it’s on the way to Orzammar, because I’ve got that and Denerim+Brother Genitivi left, and… Plum’s been thinking about returning to Orzammar, and she’s a bit doubtful about this “sacred ashes” thing. Maybe if she returns in Redcliffe with a dwarven army, she can circumvent the problem of needing Arl Eamon awake and convince Teagan to call the Landsmeet now.

At the Frostback mountains, I realize that Sten doesn’t have his sword yet, if the dialogue with the guy who sold it is any indication, and that I was probably planning on bringing Sten along for this part, because it would be fun. I don’t want to reload, though, so instead Plum navigates the conversation by getting the info she wants and demanding 3 sovereigns for not mentioning him to Sten when she tells Sten where to find his sword. Funding a war is expensive.

Also at this point - just above Orzammar, where she’s returning for the first time - Leliana chooses this moment to have such a relevant banter for a moment I was confused and thought she was speaking to my Aeducan.

> Leliana: There are many great tales of lost kings who return to their lands to reign in glory...

> Alistair: I am not lost. Nor, for that matter, a king. And there is nothing glorious about me.

> Leliana: You are Maric's son; you are the rightful king of Ferelden.

> Alistair: I am the son of a star-struck maid and an indiscreet man who just happened to be king. Look, I can't be king. Some days I have trouble figuring out which boot goes on which foot.

> Leliana: Complete fools are made leaders of kingdoms all the time, and you're not a complete fool.

> Alistair: What an utter relief.

> Leliana: And don't worry about the boots. Kings don't need to dress themselves. that's what advisors are for, isn't it?

> Alistair: And star-struck maids, apparently.

that was amazingly on point, it literally couldn’t drop at a more pertinent moment.

It also reinforced my determination for Plum’s ending, so that’s great. Leliana, you’re a pal.

Upon arriving at the entrance of Orzammar, she learns confirmation that Bhelen didn’t manage to get himself crowned king, which falls somewhere between baffling and exasperating. Stone, he’d managed to get rid of both Trian and her! What more did he need? She could stomach her brother sending her in exile for the crown - exile hurt, but the Blight is a distraction (a vocation?) - but not for nothing!

then Loghain’s messenger jumps on the news that she ‘killed her elder brother’ and starts calling her “kinslayer”, to which Plum tells him that if he does so again she’ll kill him, and the guard thinks she means him. Gah.

at the end she does get in, but she kills the messenger just like she’d been itching to since the first time he called her “kinslayer”. Usually she’s not half so kill-happy, but he deserved it. Surfacers should know better than to look down upon Orzammar, even an exile such as her.

Fun fact: the Captain of the Guard who tends to make a good impression on outsider wardens (at least he’s unimpressed with both candidates and just wants things to function) when you enter is super unpleasant when you’re an Aeducan!

Plum thought she knew what exile meant; she didn’t think that she’d never feel more of an exile back in Orzammar. People call her Warden when they don’t insult her. (This is all because Bhelen botched the job enough that he couldn’t land the crown, she’s disappointed, after he set her up there was no doubt in her mind he was an excellent politician.)

Meeting Nerav Helmi is enlightening! First, Nerav seems to believe Plum wants Harrowmont to have the throne - but then, Nerav supports Harrowmont, and Nerav and Plum were on good terms. Second, Bhelen lost the support of part of the Assembly - his supporters now only amount to exactly half the deshyrs. Nerav does confirm that House Aeducan stands behind Bhelen, though. Once they wanted Plum on the throne, but they wouldn’t consider “taking it back” to vote her queen. That’s actually a good thing: Plum’s got a Blight to fight, and fighting darkspawn was always her stronger focus. House Aeducan standing united behind Bhelen is good. Third, some believe Bhelen killed the king; of course, given the circumstances, Harrowmont might have done it. But more importantly, Harrowmont isn’t brave enough to accuse Bhelen himself. So it gives off the impression that the common is fighting Harrowmont’s battles for him despite Harrowmont pretending it’s fine. Not that surprising, but still a terrible look. Oh, and apparently Plum’s father named Harrowmont his heir based on suspicions that Bhelen was behind Trian’s death and Plum’s exile. (this wasn’t the right thing to do, father. smashing down our house doesn’t fix anything. you do not lay down before a mouse because your cat scratched you. It doesn’t fix Plum’s exile, and it weakens House Aeducan, so Plum isn’t getting any less bitter about her father. Old age turning him into a soft old fool.)

ALSO I MET THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER OF ORZAMMAR, that is to say, Dagna. (so young! baby Dagna of Origins aaaaah) ...who wants to go to the surface. to the Circle. To which Plum has major objections, because 1)you want to leave Orzammar, 2)funny story about the Circle… so I was already anticipating having to turn down Dagna (and breaking my own heart in the process), but then Dagna: “It would be a valuable exchange. Orzammar would learn of one of the great natural forces of the surface.”

Plum, whose failure to save Irving and have magic at her disposal to fight the Blight hounds her to this day: “......KEEP TALKING.”

Harrowmont supporters are hilarious. “Lord Harrowmont is such a good, caring man. He’ll make a great king.” Plum: Commoners, I swear. You can see they have no idea how cutthroat politics are.

It’s less hilarious when Plum comes across Lord Helmi, who has incredibly forward, equalitarian views on castes, and reluctantly supports Harrowmont on the grounds that he “looks a bit more forgiving,” whereas Bhelen looks like “nothing matters to him more than winning.” :( Bhelen used to be so overlooked and popular, what happened there. Also Plum’s willing to vouch for Bhelen having progressive sympathies.

Moving on, blablah, Vartag Gavorn is an ass, also Plum really doesn’t like the way he talks to her, but that’s still better than Harrowmont’s captain being all “yea Lord Harrowmont always was very fond of you because he’s too good for this world, too pure, but I know you Aeducans, you ain’t meeting him without proving you mean it”, which. Okay sure Plum is working with Bhelen and would “betray” Harrowmont without thinking twice about it (look, Harrowmont has no business running for king, also he’s too soft for it. also his politics are backwards, that hasn’t changed since the last time Plum rolled her eyes real hard when her father nodded at Harrowmont’s advice), but Bhelen framed her, how does it make sense that she’d work with him now???? (Harrowmont captain: *knows Aeducans*)

At least meeting Harrowmont’s captain told her that Bhelen is also interfering with Harrowmont’s champions at the Proving. Well that’s good, she was starting to be concerned he was being passive about the whole affair.

SO ratting Lord Harrowmont’s “””proposal””” to two noble Houses it is, then. Quotation marks because Plum swinged by the Shaperate to check on things, and learned that Bhelen had the papers altered. Clever. Here’s to hoping the Shaperate knows better than to get involved in politics, Plum didn’t say who gave her the papers, of course, but it’s already common gossip she’s working with Bhelen. Eh, win some, lose some. Also worth noting: warrior caste girl hoping to be proved a noble. If Plum lands that, it’ll be one more voice cast correctly in the Assembly…

Lord Helmi acts a bit disgusted with the reveal, but mostly disgusted that he’s going to have to work, instead of lounding around Tapsters doing nothing but drink ale and act the Dashing Disreputable Noble Son. Plum tactically keeps her eyeroll to herself. He leaves the conversation muttering that he needs to take a second look at Bhelen, if he’s worth Plum’s loyalty, which isn’t exactly where she was going when she told him she just wanted to keep the throne in Aeducan House, but that’s the same result.

Other things Plum did: flatly walk out of Brother Burkel’s speech about opening a Chantry. Send Carta thugs running. Witness with pleasure Leliana’s awestruck delight at the beauty of Orzammar.

Kiss Alistair in full view of the ancestors and the Stone (and oh, her heart gets softer when he looks at her like so)

start into the Deep Roads back to Aeducan Thaig to get Lord Dace to renege on Harrowmont’s false promises, fond fond trauma memories.

Things she didn’t do: protest her innocence at any point. It would be undignified. And it’s better if she’s the clear murderer in people’s minds. Less chances for Harrowmont to also get Bhelen discredited. She’d prefer not to be thought one, but if it’s the sacrifice required of her to get this city back on track, then by the Stone she’ll shoulder it.

[mcjour]

so the other day was the anniversary of my friend’s death and i realized there was so much i didn’t process there like at all. 

i can barely even remember what our relationship was. he definitely wasn’t a close best friend or anything, at least. but the line between acquaintance and friend is blurred. like, i didn’t exactly hang out with him. but it’s not like i was really hanging out with anyone at that point lol.

so i see his closer friends (also my friends) post something on facebook sometimes and i am like huh am i entitled to that? was i close enough to him or would posting be attention seeking?

i mean there isn’t anything i need to post or anything but thought that was an interesting thought. especially knowing my friends who knew him really wouldn’t even be the type to gatekeep grief anyway but like i said just a thought

gosh i barely even remember him and that’s so awful. like the day i found out he died, we all posted about it and so my memories are only the ones i wrote down in that post. they were nice memories, but i hate that my brain has deleted so much of my life

anyway can’t believe it’s been 5 years!

i think about him a lot, actually. not all the time, but more than i would expect

one thing i thought about this week was how traumatizing finding out was. because we all found out through a mass email to the entire campus. heartbreaking, probably the worst way to find out. i don’t really blame the school for that or anything, it’s not like they have a roster of all your connections or anything lol. but that doesn’t make it any less sucky

i remember i was texting a friend and maybe she was the one to read the email first? but either way i remember us being like, hold on, are we reading this correctly? our friend had a decently common name, so on a large campus, could there have been someone else with his name? but no. he was ours.

i remember i was in the dining hall getting food right before work. i was in shock. i don’t remember if i cried then and there, but i definitely cried at work. i don’t really know why i didn;t just not go to work. probably i didn’t even know who i would talk to about it. besides, what else was i supposed to do? it’s not like there was a guide to how to react when you find out your friend is dead via campus email.

i remember walking to my dorm after my shift. for some reason i worked on the opposite side of campus than i lived lol. i was probably cold and tired and dirty and wet from working in the dish room. i was listening to music as i walked. as i walked up the steep hill (almost home!), the song lifegoeson by noah and the whale came on shuffle. there’s a verse about the singer’s “last night on earth” and having no regrets or something. and wow i think i probably just bawled right then and there knowing that it had literally been my friend’s last night on earth the night or 2 before. 

when you looked at his twitter, that night (or sometime in the days before), he had retweeted a bunch of tweets saying “i could really use a hug right now.” i don’t think i had seen it at the time, like i don’t think i used twitter every day or anything. but to look back at that is so stinging. like, one of those cliche moments wondering if you could go back into the past and change something. like if i had seen that and reached out to him, would he still be alive today? and really who knows. and who knows, maybe other friends DID see, and DID reach out. it’s not really something i spend a lot of time guilting over or anything. but it still is really something to look back at, the cries for help immortalized on the internet. 

his twitter account was later hacked and became like a porn bot account which was also just devastating. luckily i think those tweets got deleted, but the profile picture and the bio still remain. and his old tweets too, like i said. 

there’s also a message he sent me a few months before he died inviting me to a party, which was so kind. and literally the day before he died, he sent me a cat video. or maybe it was the night he died. the link is dead now, so i don’t remember what the video was. there’s no response. i don’t know if i ignored it or if i just didn’t check twitter. 

maybe he was trying to comfort us through his death. in retrospect, i guess i really was a friend if i was one of the people he reached out to in those final hours

his death was right before finals too. which meant we were all totally fucked, i was already tanking a lot of my classes as it already was. i ended up taking an incomplete in one and finishing the next semester. i am sure many of my friends were in similar boats. the friend who passed was actually about to graduate. he was 24. i must’ve been 19 at the time, almost 20. he seemed so much older. i am 24 now, so lol.

the reason i was struggling so much before this was that  my cat had died about a month prior. he was my entire world. 

i couldn’t imagine life without my cat. i can’t remember when i started feeling suicidal myself, but my friend’s death definitely exacerbated that feeling. i think i felt like he beat me to it. and i didn’t want people to think i was a copy cat either. but every time i cut through the fine arts center i’d stand and look over the edge and wonder if it was high enough. i really don’t think it was LOL. but i was in so much pain.

what helped was my advisor slash professor. i had emailed all my professors about the deaths just to give them a heads up if i was missing class or assignments or whatever. and i remember i typed something like sorry, i am just having a really shitty semester. and she replied and was like yeah no that’s an understatement. and she invited me to like hang out and chat and eat donuts and i felt super awkward and anxious about the whole thing but she was so kind and helped me get through some of the professor issues i was having. plus the donut. that ended up really jumpstarting our relationship and she was so important to my college career. 

i knew another person from that same group who also died. i was not as close to her, but was of course still sad to hear of her passing. and it really speaks to how trauma can kill you, i think. most college groups do not lose two people. while they are still in college. there’s a photo of us from a house party and it’s weird that there’s i don’t know 10, 15, 20 people in the photo and 2 of them are dead.

these are things that i haven’t told anybody. because who could i tell?

like i could talk about my friend with our mutual friends, and we did right after he passed and stuff but like at some point that ends. and then i’m not really in close contact with any of them anymore. i would be happy to talk to any of them, don’t get me wrong, but i’m not about to contact these people out of the blue.

and anyone who didn’t know him wouldn’t know

and my cat too. i feel like that’s not as shareable of a grief. like society says that’s just a cat. and it was only a month after losing him that i lost my friend, so i was still grieving my cat when it happened. but now my friends all had their own grief and i didn’t want to divert the focus on my friend to be like hi i also am sad about my cat? that seems weird. the word that came to mind was selfish, and i don’t think that’s the correct word in this context. but it does just feel inappropriate.

then to go home at the end of the semester to an unsupportive household while weighted down by two huge deaths. i think i told my mom i wasn’t going to talk to her about my friend (what could i really say anyway). idk she’s the last place i would go for comfort.

and she made grieving the cat horrible. i don’t remember but i think she made it all about her somehow. like how she found the body and bla bla bla. i don’t remember.

the grief of both of these deaths has been bottled for 5 years.

something else i remembered: they set up group counseling for me and my friends. and so i went. i wasn’t too keen on counseling, but i think i was just in shock still and figured it would be good for me. and good to be with friends, whether for my sake or theirs.

so it was run by this lady. this horrible lady. the lady who sent me to the hospital for no fucking reason. so i was like holy fucking shit!!! but once again i think i was kinda in shock, like wtf was i supposed to do, just walk out and make a scene? so i sat there. and she sucked lol. i smiled at one point. i have no idea why i smiled. it was unconcious. maybe i remembered a happy memory, maybe it was just a nervous response who fucking knows. either way she called me out on it and was like why are you smiling? now i think it is rude in general to just call someone out like that LOL but this just so happened to be a very specific trigger of mine from high school days. so i think i literally ran out of the room. one of my friends followed me and talked with me out in the staircase. i know i didn’t go back, but i can’t remember if my friend went back or not. i think i felt bad having her comfort me over some dumb thing, instead of getting counseling herself, but she was definitely like nah that lady sucks. someone i think said the lady made a comment about me leaving too. idk. anyway she’s an ass.

unrelated, kinda, this lady taught the intro to social work class which i really wanted to take but i was like hell NO. luckily one semester they got someone else to teach it. it sucked in a totally different way LOL. 

[clickbliss]

Hockey Manager 20|20 Review

By: John (@jiggly_333)

Hockey Manager 20|20

Publisher - netmin games

PC

A long time ago, I used to play a lot of Facebook based sports games. Most of them were just management based games where you had to wait a certain period of time to get the tokens to get players or train. Essentially, Football Manager and Out of the Park Baseball clones, but with microtransactions. But there was one game, that was so extremely different that I think about it a lot.

I can’t remember the name anymore, but I remember that you were in control of this soccer player in England. It combined the use of live action cutscenes and really difficult QTEs to not only allow you to train your player to be better, but also crafted a story. You could choose to use your daily allotment of energy points to go to training or to an advertisement shoot to earn money. Or, you could even choose to use those energy points to go on dates or hang with friends. This concept of a sports game/dating sim/financial sim has never fully left my brain and I’ve always wondered if any other game developers would try to make something similar.

This brings me to Hockey Manager 2020.

At first, I thought it was just another in-depth Franchise mode. I made a new female coach, chose my picture from one of the really nice hand drawn avatars, laughed at the unlicensed NHL team names (Favorites: Pittsburgh Northbirds, Washington Cops, Anaheim Tweetys), and began my career. I was offered a job as the coach of a German team and the Argentine National Team and started from there. But after a while trying to put together my first lineup, I noticed something incredible: The “Private” tab.

The Private tab has the normal stuff you’d expect, any stats you’ve accumulated as a PC, your wins and losses and that, but there was so much more. First of all, you start the game with the relationship statuses “single” and “no children”. Why is this important?  Well, not only are you controlling a hockey team, but you have to manage your personal life. You have to choose how much you’re willing to spend on your personal lifestyle, you have to choose how much time you’re going to invest in your private life. And while normally in sports management sims your salary doesn’t matter, I found a literal stock market sim going in the background of this tab. The personal life portion not only has to do with personal finance, but personal relationships. As I completed my first day, my coach got a call from a guy asking her out on a date. He was wearing sunglasses indoors, so I immediately said no.

Then I decided I needed to start over because a whole world in this game had opened up to me. This wasn’t just a hockey management sim. It was a life sim based around you as a hockey coach, managing personal expenses and relationships, while still giving time and effort to your team. So, I started a new game, this time creating my own team. That was a mistake.

Or at least, how I did it was a mistake. This is a warning to anyone who wants to create a team in Hockey Manager 2020: You don’t have very many resources to start with. Which means that if you decide to, say, create a team in the game’s equivalent of the AHL, you’re going to have a bad time. My “Milwaukee Swans” clearly didn’t stand a chance against the kind of top-quality opposition they were up against. I think that if you’re going to try the “create a team” route, stick to Europe, where you’ll be on a much more level playing field. However, there was an extra bit of fun in taking full control of the ownership aspect of the club. You have control over the expansion of your arena, decision-making in what training camps and PR events your team has, and a full in-depth revenue calculator. Of course, this was something that was available to me in the other save, I just happened to only realize it when I started with this save. So, after losing a few games I realized my mistake and decided that maybe I should just play as an extremely rich team so I could fully experience the end-game goals of Hockey Manager 2020.

This time, I started a new save with the “Choose a Club” selection. I supported my local team by picking the knock-off Chicago Blackhawks. The Chicago Whitebirds were given a brand new GM and I was able to see what a fully upgraded stadium looked like. The team was so rich that I could probably buy any player I wanted from Europe, but my team was so good that it wouldn’t be worth it to pay for any of them. My first paycheck was enough to let me get on board with some pretty solid stock options. In fact, in this save I barely even touched the coaching side of things, instead signing a good assistant coach and passing all the work off to him so I could pay more attention to the stock market. I got in so deep that I found that there was a section right next to the stock market for betting on your games. If I remember sports history correctly, this is the sort of thing that Pete Rose got banned from baseball for. But, Hockey Manager 2020 lets you bet freely, so I started racking up the money.

So, how do you, a Hockey Manager in 2020, spend your money in this game? Well, if you’re on a struggling team like my Milwaukee Swans, you can actually donate your own personal funds to the team. That way, if you somehow hit the jackpot in the stock market, you can actually use that money to improve your team for the future. You can also invest that money in the bank. You’re given some sort of investment placeholder like a gold or platinum ingot that’s valued at a certain level. Its value rises as time goes on and you can eventually take it out if you need that money. You can also buy other investments, like how I bought a sword and the game told me that I had a “30% chance to receive +1 Penetration Strength”. I’m very foggy on the details of that stat, but I think that means I can use it to kill Gary Bettman. These bonus investments give you a bonus on a certain stat that somehow relates to the item. You can also spend that money on your “lifestyle” which relates to the happiness of your significant other. Don’t worry about finding one because they literally just show up periodically.

You see, you don’t actively take part in very many of the activities that you say that you’re doing. 

Since Hockey Manager 2020 is still mainly a hockey management sim, you do have control over tactics, how often certain plays are run, and ice time. You also have the ability to decide each player’s training regimen. Since my tactical hockey knowledge is constantly fluctuating between the hard-nose hitting Broad Street Bullies style and beautifully skillful Russian Ballet style and NOTHING in between, I let the assistant coach handle this. But compared to name-brand Eastside Hockey Manager, HM2020 is much more in depth in its tactics. Although, it is a bit hard to read. But we’ll get to that. After each intermission, you get to choose one rallying call out of four options and that’s about as much work you do during games. All your tactics were set ahead of time unless you want to make those changes mid-intermission. Then there’s contract negotiations that spring up not just for players and coaches, but also sponsors. It’s a bit of a mini-game where you try to move the numbers just enough so as to not anger the other party enough that they’ll walk away. And that’s about the extent to which you have active control over the team.

You’re allowed up to three “appointments” per month. Basically, they’re fun things that you can do as a GM to gain favor in a certain way, maybe get some extra money or fan support. But you only choose for this thing to happen. You don’t actually get to do anything when it happens. It’s kind of disappointing when you set up an interview and don’t get to actually respond to questions. These appointments are sort of left up to chance and while you might get a favor from your bank advisor on one trip, you might lose fan support on another. You don’t really have control over the success of the appointment, you just set it up.

As a whole, this game has some big issues with its English translation. I hope that they can patch that up with some better wording. There are certain things that need more clarity. While I said before that Hockey Manager 2020 may have a leg up on EHM in terms of tactics, the way to tell what players are better than others is sorta complicated. Their overall ability is combined between their inherent “strength” and their current form. As someone who’s played plenty of sports management sims, “strength” is usually a single attribute relating to body strength. Due to the translation issues here, it relates to the overall inherent ability of a player. It’s small things like that that really hold this game back from being really good.

In the end, just like any sports management game, it’s about getting used to the way the game plays and just putting a lot of time into building your team. It’s also about finding which part of the game is fun for you. While I wasn’t really that deep into the tactical aspect, the Private tab was an amazing adventure that I think is well worth the time and in-game investment. So if you’re itching for an alternative to something like Eastside or even NHL, try Hockey Manager 2020. It may not have the license to NHL teams, but it does have the official licenses to the French and Spanish leagues. Maybe try that out!

[beforethoughts]

I remember when I was in vancouver I overheard some people talking and stumbled in their conversation; this couple was talking about how they don’t fit in here at all, and this young woman told them to not waste their time and either go to Quebec(mostly Montreal though) or America. And she was being really serious and stern.

I’ve struggled so much living in the parts of Canada have (I haven’t been everywhere though) and with things like employment, for whatever reason it was just sort of hellish for me to find work and I faced issues with simply being very unliked and not given a fair chance at entry level jobs that I was more then competent to. I had other friends, who were more unprofessional, (and wore gaudy goth clothes) who were given jobs and were just fired right away (I would have at least lasted close to a year and did okay) but they just didn’t like me for some reason and it happened so many times that at some point I really thought it was likened to a case of ‘discrimination’ or easily compared to as such and I tried to talk to employment advisors or thought who I thought would have awareness of such topics and I was very desperate but instead they seemed to have not only no awareness but simply did not even believe such things existed or would take them seriously. Everything I said was just ignored and I was just straw-manned all of the time or shrugged and just told to keep trying, and that it was more or less in my head or i was not even given any solutions or taken seriously. It was all just a joke and I was obviously considered unintelligent or something (and yet again, I did not realize it then, but I am so beyond pissed because I did not realize it then but I am fairly intelligent and actually competent. Like, more intelligent then average and I’m being treated like a hopeless case and a bafoon? you’re just given vague and empty conventional wisdom too that doesn’t even really stand or explain anything. it was  horrible feeling, I just felt like I was trapped in a horrible pitt with no way out or escape and I guess that’s how they deal with problems in Canada, they just ignore them. But the problem is if you’re not doing well in that way, then people will ostracize you completely as well, and you just become one of “those people” or an undesirable, urchin and the like. I think it’s probably like that in a lot of places in the West in general. But it’s just...we live in such a materialistic, combative, and boisterous, loud culture that if you are not like that at at all then you are immediately ostracized and just damned. If you’re aren’t on the money/greed train, and laughing the whole time so hat perhaps no chance or sober-ness, will seep in then you are just damned all the while and it’s just so fucking sick. You just have to be another obedient and identical cog.

Quebec, as I was studying it, was he only frreaking place that actually acknowledges human rights in a serious, detailed and complex manner. I was offered a job there right away when I was just traveling. You can just talk to people and be real. I met people with disabilities a bit who were even employed and treated like normal human beings. Wtf?

I mean, I think as well a serious large degree of people are on medication now, and it’s like to keep up appearances and meet  that level of ‘happiness’ you have to be on drugs literally too and you have to put so much effort into being happy and acting the right way and if you dare misstep or do not do it correctly they will just despise you. How fucking excessive to things have to be? where is the line drawn? it’s just getting progressive more and more like this, and yet no one stops and realizes it’s all crazy. At least to me, does it not seem that ay to anyone else? it’s just crazy land, it’s all fabricate and it’s not even real anymore.

There’s actually ma and pa stores still left in Quebec and a lot the businesses are. People talk about all kinds of things, philosophy, social issues, politics. Everywhere else, you cannnot say against. it’s just, you give your freaking rank, number and file and then act as happy as possible (but again, in a way that you’d have to be on drugs, so loud and gregarious too. Don’t fucking ever pause or think either! thinking is bad!) it’s just fucking insane.