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can we talk more about avpd being a (proposed) schizospec disorder? because i almost never see that theory talked about but i wish it was. like…
avpd makes me censor my thoughts because i think someone might hear what i’m thinking and see what a horrible person i am on the inside or judge me for thinking embarrassing things.
avpd makes me so afraid of someone walking in on me doing something i Shouldn’t Be Doing that my brain twists background noise into the sounds of whispers and footsteps behind me.
avpd makes me so worried about people staring at me that in my peripheral vision, anyone near me looks like they’re already staring at me, and it’s only when i look at them directly that i realize they’ve been looking in a totally different direction the whole time.
avpd makes me so convinced of how much everyone must secretly hate me that i often start thinking everyone secretly wants to hurt me too, to the point where i’ve had panic attacks from a person walking too close behind me because i feel like they’re getting ready to attack me (when i haven’t had any kind of trauma that would create that fear), and the paranoia just serves to reinforce my need to avoid people.
avpd makes me lose my ability to speak or reduces it to nothing more than one word answers only when spoken to, turning the thoughts i wanted to express into a jumble that’s impossible to turn into words or just throwing them away completely and making my mind go blank, so i end up just staring at people silently or even acting like i don’t see them standing there at all (not on purpose but because my brain won’t let me engage with them).
avpd makes me look damn near emotionless around everyone but my safe person (and sometimes even around my safe person) because showing my emotions would be far too vulnerable for its liking, so it completely takes away my ability to express them.
and i could keep going! there are so many things i experience because of avpd that i’ve seen really closely reflected in the experiences of schizospec people. i don’t know how common these kinds of things are in avpd overall, but they’re a really prominent part of my experience with it, so when i found out that some research suggested it could be considered a schizospec disorder itself, that made so much sense to me! and i’d be so curious to see how many other avoidants have dealt with this stuff but haven’t talked about it because it’s never mentioned as being part of avpd.
#this post was brought to you from the Looking Over My Shoulder Frozen In Fear Because Of The Whispers™️ position#which is. quite a common position for me#im honestly kinda nervous to post this bc i feel like somebody’s gonna be like ‘thats not avpd!’ or ‘thats not schizospec stuff!’#but oh well. that’s just how it is on the internet#i also feel a little weird about the wording bc i don’t really see avpd as an outside force that Makes Me do things#but it’s 5am and im too tired to think of a better way to say it#poss.speaks#discussion#avpd#actually avpd#actually avoidant#avoidant pd#avoidant personality disorder#cluster c#schizospec#schizophrenia spectrum#schizo spectrum#schizotaxic
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never change, man !
#phantom of the paradise#potp#swan potp#nightmaretheater#65 layers and about 24 hours . Eeeyyuppp#Look into my beautiful mind boy#Its a bit unusual to what i usually draw#but i had to push a specific look for this piece#hopefully you all are picking up on the corperate look . the advertisment look#Sneeze. Anyways my point is industry destroys creative people. This includes swan#I feel like phrases like these ; how he was put on a pedistal…. it lead him to be Like That#as awful as he is he desperately needed help#it might seem like vanity on the surface#but i think its… more than that#long story short: we need to destroy the beauty industry. the skincare industry. the anti-aging industry#It ruined his psyche forever and he cant let go of the ideal version of himself he will never truly be again#i dont think he can at this point. hes in too deep and hes suffering for it no matter how much he feels hes fixed his problems#he cant accept a version of himself that isnt that perfect young man. because he never confronted his problems. he just ran away#anyways . Hi swath *punches him**kicks him*#i dont care if nobody gets me lalalalla my truths and headcanons are awesome forever and i live in my own reality lallaallal#sorry i think im gonna be posting about swan alot for a few months hes making me sick#i wass gonna post this earlier but my internet was real bad#*lays down in my pile of pillows* eat up boys. haha#sidenote: drawing white blond people is horrifiying. Boy your skin and hair are the same color. Introduce some contrast to yourself. Please#adding on: its inportant to note this focuses on him looking st himself in the mirror alot on purpouse#to remind himself what he ‘’’’really’’’’ looks like#the 4 middle pannels all represent that too . u have to be in my brain ri get this#sorry for unleashijg another swan essay in my tags. will happen again lol
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i dont remember why i drew this
#this post is also for people with cptsd / bpd / any other kinds of parts too btw. i love you and we are all gonna heal#kostik draws#actually did#actually dissociative#actually cptsd#possibly the stupidest thing ive ever drawn but it made me weirdly happy#i am not this optimistic irl but i had to force it. theres only so far you can go being miserable yanno. lets have some positive energy#oh now i remember. i was thinking about how there are no did comics about recovery#its only about ohh symptom ohh infographic#and thats well and good but we need more recovery representation#anyway#i should ... eat dinner ...#the stupid i ❤️ being one person shirt doodle makes me laugh. i need it irl actually#also this may not look vulnerable but this is Very Vulnerable to me please be nice#im putting a piece of my soul onto the great big internet please show it kindness#ok ty#DID tag
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i'm sure i am not the only one who is very concerned about the ~4 hours between when the midjourney change was made, and I knew to go opt out of it, so; glaze does not need to be on all your works to be effective. in the same way that one artist glazing all their works will ruin a broad, multi-artist dataset, glazing your works moving forward will ruin any dataset trained on you. if out of 100 comics I've posted, 10 are glazed, a dataset trained on all of my comics will not be able to make anything similar to my style. anyways. go download glaze.
#ofc a manual review of the data set could pick out anything glazed. ig the point for me is to force that manual review#though wider adoption of glaze is not a perfect or even workable solution for many. my computer is 10 years old and runs glaze but#thats pretty lucky on my part. and the '100 comics' thing isnt perfect bc. im not using glaze on my comics. it looks really bad.#and there's not a real risk of someone using my art to train a data set bc. like. cartoons exist.#like you probably SHOULD glaze everything especially from now on#but if like me the idea of trawling your entire internet presence seems so daunting youd almost sooner delete it all#posting Some poison is better than posting No poison#but most important is not being paralyzed into inaction by how daunting the task is. even if that does mean no poison#im trying out what works and what does not right now for me. and i guess my advice is that you do too even if that means making a pillowfor#lol
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I certainly have my own concerns about the treatment of moo deng but um. well i think some of you may just be racist
#this ^ isn't directed at any post in particular but instead a lot of comments ive seen. but now im gonna talk about other posts down here#and prefacing anything i put in the tags here with DONT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH#but the biggest post ive seen going around rn about moo deng being mistreated and the general quality of khao kheow zoo is questionable#claims that the enclosure is mostly concrete seem to be false from all the sources i can find#the concrete section looks like its specifically around the feeding area which fits zoo care guidelines which specify that the feeding area#be a surface that can be easily cleaned separate from the substrate and is a surface present in other zoos#the lack of deep water also seems to be purposeful? older videos of the same enclosure show deeper water areas#and looking back through the news every baby pygmy hippo announcement from every zoo i could find mentioned periods where the baby had to#learn to swim and was slowly introduced from shallow water to deeper water as time passed#this was also corroborated by fowlers zoo and wild animal medicine volume 8 which suggests keeping the mother dry and then slowly#introducing water as the baby grows as a potential best practice#damn im treating this like a paper now. anyway the negatives#there are absolutely things that strike me as bad eg. public access to the hippos and the way the keeper interacts with them#for the keeper stuff in particular i'd really like to see input from someone who has experience as a zookeeper with pygmy hippos#the public access is something that i def think the zoo could improve on and even older footage from years ago shows people sticking like#selfie sticks and shit off the side of the railings and right into the hippos faces#however again the zoo seems to be making efforts to curb visitor behavior which is tough when you go from having 800 visitors a day to#4000+ and you can't remodel the whole exhibit right then and there#all this to say! just do your own research and take somewhat inflammatory comments on the internet with a grain of salt#also just to make it clear im not making any sweeping statements on khao kheow or the treatment of moo deng im just summarizing what i foun#based on what's being said in the most popular post on the subject ive seen.#for the potential like three people who will read all this hi :) hope ur having a nice day
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This is a story about a book that changed my life.
It's also about how amazing libraries and authors and people who care about sharing cool things with curious kids are. Also, fish (especially fish). It's kind of different than what I usually post but it's been bouncing around in my head basically since I started this blog so here you go, I hope you like it. This is the reason I love coelacanths so much, and why I think everyone should know about how amazing they are.
When I was little, I loved going to the library. My little brother and I would pick out way too many books and the librarians always had to come over to override the 30 book limit at the checkout stand (they pretty much knew us on sight and were ready to override it as soon as we started heading over to check out). After we finished getting our library books, our mom also let us look through the free pile that was in the foyer on the way out. It was mostly old library books that the librarians just needed to clean out, but there were a lot of books that people brought when they cleaned out their personal collections too (especially teachers, and there were a bunch of books with old school library stamps inside). The free pile didn't usually have a lot of things that interested me, but one day when I was poking through it I found a book called Fossil Fish Found Alive: Discovering the Coelacanth, by Sally M. Walker.
I loved it. I had never even heard of coelacanths before, but this book fascinated me. It told the story of an incredible animal, long thought to be extinct, that had somehow survived for millions of years! It was nothing like any fish I had ever learned about before. I already had a casual interest in marine biology that I can thank PBS Kids and Wild Kratts for (particularly their episode on sperm whales and giant squid, I loved that episode), but this book took it to a new level. I wanted to be a marine biologist so I could learn more about coelacanths.
Like a lot of things when you're 7, that was a phase. Unlike a lot of phases, this one I came back to. After taking a break from my dreams of being a marine biologist to experience the hell that is middle school, one day I pulled a book off my shelf. I hadn't read it in a while. When I picked it up again, I remembered how incredible this animal was, and how much it had inspired me when I was younger, and those thoughts of becoming a marine biologist started to return. I'm in college now studying marine science, and I brought the book with me to school, where it sits next to two other science books that have inspired me (My Friends the Wild Chimpanzees by Jane Goodall and The Sea Around Us by Rachel Carson).
Earlier this year, I was thinking about how much this one book had changed my life and I wondered if I could find Ms. Walker and thank her. I knew she had many other science books for younger audiences, and even another book about coelacanths, so I was sure she had a website of some kind, and I was right. So I found her contact page and wrote her an email explaining the impact her book had had on my life, and thanking her for it. And to my surprise, she responded! She was very kind and we sent a few emails back and forth. She gave me some excellent advice and even told me about some of the people she contacted while researching her book, including Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer herself, the person who rediscovered the coelacanth when it was thought to be extinct! I'll never forget how she took the time to respond to me and how encouraging she was.
But Ms. Walker isn't the only one I have to thank for pointing me toward the path I'm on right now. If I hadn't already loved reading, if I hadn't seen any show or video to make me interested in marine biology, if the library didn't have a pile of books for anyone to take home, if I had lost that book during one of our many moves as a kid, I don't know what I'd be doing right now. There were a lot of things that happened to make it so that I found this book, but I'm glad for every single one of them. They led to me learning about an incredible animal and changed the course of my life. And now, I love coelacanths.
#long post#bee talks#my post#coelacanth#i love coelacanths#omg guys its the long awaited ilovecoelacanths backstory post#it came out kinda sappy lmao but whatever im gonna post it even though its so cheesy#ugh i hate being genuine and showing emotion on the internet it makes me feel so cringe. but whatever. cringe is dead so#also wow look at that i actually CAN use real grammar when i want to#not a single smiley face emoticon in this whole post. why did i do that. i like my little guys#here. here's one. :]
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repeatedly trying and failing to word some sort of stupid post about how having ocd and ptsd and the general state of being of Having Triggers on this site is like torture while inelegantly dodging current discourse buzzwords like a minefield
#op#Man I just don't want to fucking look at it. I just don't want to fucking look at it. Okay#You don't have to insinuate we're all some sort of oppressive malicious force. I just want to not fucking look at it#Like I feel like the bar of 'don't make people feel bad for being upset by something' is really low. I don't mean some secret other thing#other than 'being upset' it's not a euphemism for like harassing people i literally just mean being upset#'you're a bad person for being upset and uncomfortable by this incredibly loaded often traumatic topic' LET ME OUT LET ME OUT OF HERE#i'm sorry other people weaponize their discomfort but like the solution to that is not just outright making people uncomfortable on purpose#this definitely isnt worth posting and im not articulating myself well i just feel so like#some sort of frantic but exhausted version of frustrated#i want to stop being an internet discourse hypothetical used as ammo
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a big part of the queer online kid to queer online young adult progression for me was losing all interest in labels. not in a distasteful way!! just. losing interest .....
#ive got a big post in the drafts about how ive found it impossible to exist outside of the queer identity structure these days#and the pros and cons of that#and i havent published it because i fear it giving off some anti-labeling-for-anyone-ever aura. which is not the vibe !!!#but talking entirely personally. yeah nowadays i feel weird even calling myself genderqueer!! listing a pronoun preference.#advertising myself as a lesbian at the forefront of my general human identity#because i am those things and people can refer to me in those ways!! absolutely#but ultimately my queerness is a lot more fluid than i gave it credit for as a kid/teen#and i think it defines less of me than i thought it did#or at least its such an intrinsic part of me that i can afford to look at a lot of other aspects of what makes me me#and this is all just my personal very privileged experience!! this isnt universal queerhood 101. but that makes it interesting!!#i dont know im having a very coming of age moment this year and im thinking a lot about identity. this is my diary welcome internet
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I’ll go into a social media exile for a bit, so idk when I’ll be back, but just picture me like this while I’m gone: working <3
#I hope to pass my exams and to have answers regarding my project when I’ll back#bye moots. I really like interacting with all of you :)) 💗#I’m leaving here Machia to look after my blog. bro better do a good job>:(#I’ve deleted the last stands of social from my phone and I’m currently blogging from my tablet(but soon it will be gone on here too).#bye Pinterest. bye YouTube#and bye tumblr for now(?)#even if I have already reduced both my online engagement and internet footprint in the past three years I always found myself attached to#the few socials that I have and until I’m not in full control I don’t want to have anything to do with any of them.#if anyone wants to ever chat I’m still on discord tho!#💗💗#ultimamente poi ho scoperto che esistono anche persone qui che condividono i miei interessi per la letteratura e l’antichità#ed è stata proprio una bella sorpresa perché non pensavo esistessero spazi online per condividere in modo divertente queste passioni#anche se da tempo cercavo un luogo del genere. dove poter semplicemente scherzare sugli uomini e donne vecchi come il mondo ai quali tengo#manco fossero mia sorella#I’m making such a scene (again)#there must be a reason as for why my friend call me drama queen constantly;)#ngl im honestly kinda excited to be totally out of touch with pop culture. idk#I just have this postive idea about it#( I have schedule a post for the 21st of September if I’m not back in time to post it lol)#byeee 🫶🫶🫶#my blog stuff
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My english lyrics for Triage woo! (They're written out under the cut, I just wanted to share my lil chart lol)
Though I'm too indecisive to officially label this as my favorite song, it's had the strongest emotional impact on me by far. It holds a special place in my heart, I definitely wanted to write lyrics for it first! I'll leave all my rambling process commentary in the tags, but I was so happy with how it came out!!
All of those cards of promise thrown down carelessly,
This must be retribution for all I've taken endlessly.
If that were the case, it should have been fate for me to die.
That's the truth, given my crime, so why--?
No, I can't take it, to this cruel joke I'll submit. You
don't know, you can't know, but I'm ready to admit:
Killing for them, extracting for them, won't change the fact they're dead.
I need someone to tag me as RED.
It makes me sick (sick), it's too unpleasant. Sick (sick)
Is this punishment? What do you mean I'm INNOCENT?
I see, the world is cruel and leaves you on your own.
(I can't die) to atone. (I can't love) alone.
I can't be saved (saved), you've nothing to give. Saved (saved)
But what if I lived? Why else would you choose to forgive?
I see, there's lives to save so let's be sensible.
Right now, you need me, (I can be) indispensable.
Tilt to and fro, I know the scales should land on GUILTY for me.
Tilt fro and to, it's INNOCENT that they choose.
They cry (x4) out in pain, I can hear them. There's no one else, to guard their health,
My mission is offering help.
All of those cards of promise thrown down carelessly,
This must be retribution for all I've taken endlessly.
So if that's the case, then it must be fate to make amends,
Extract that fang before we meet the end.
It makes me sick (sick), it's too unpleasant. Sick (sick)
Is this punishment? What do you mean I'm INNOCENT?
I see, the world is cruel, but what I've realized is
(Now I want) to be INNOCENT. (Now I want) to live.
It makes me sick (sick), This wasn't my plan, hostages at my command.
Their future resting in my hands
I see, there's lives to save so let's be sensible.
Right now, please save me, (I will be) indispensable.
Maybe this was meant to be -- oh -- or maybe neither of us can know
There's lives to save so let's be sensible.
Right now, please save me, (I will be) indispensable.
---
I mentioned earlier that I always get annoyed with myself when people post translyrics and I can't figure out the rhythm they were going for, so here's a recording of me singing, but I'm bad at it! It's just for fun! Like a rough draft for music! Because the only thing worse than people hearing my voice is people thinking I can't count syllables!
#milgram#shidou kirisaki#lyrics#im real happy with how they came out :))#when i first got into milgram i started writing tear drop lyrics but got discouraged#(ill be revisiting them next but) it was so fun to work with this song!#i love the sound of it and had a great time creating my version#i wanted his repeated lines in the refrain to have a punch to them#and was SO satisfied giving the doctor 'sick' and 'saved' as his focus words#the mention of 'throw down' wasnt originally intended but it fit so well i just had to keep it asdfsd#i looked up an internet translation for 'Shinenai sentaku o ikenai ai o' because the official english line confused me#and it gave me 'i cant die. i cant go. i cant love.' and i loved that more than the official translation actually#really the only word that doesnt flow quite like id want is 'punishment' but the meaning/rhyme made me happy so i kept it haha#nothing can replace the sound satisfaction 'Yurayura tenbin yurusa naide hoshii noni/Yureteru yurushite hoshii to' gives me tho -_-#and i wanted a more open-mouth sound when he sings 'dattaka' the second time -- i absolutely love how he draws it out#but had to settle for what i could make work 🤷♀️#we are spitting in the face of cringe culture and posting my voice!!#some writers are okay if their complete vision doesnt make it across to the audience but Not Me#i gotta show my whole vision and draft 😂#oh and excuse his voicemail message LMAO#i love shidou with all my heart but i have to tease him about shoving his profession in our face every chance he gets#(did we ever get a translation for that btw?)#but yeah im always preaching to do arts and things youre bad at just because theyre fun so i figured id take my own advice#because it was a lot of fun to sing :3#and i dont know how to word this in the fans-having-collaborative-fun way and not a pretentious way#but if any of the milgram pals who like singing want to cover it hmu :D
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the rwd season 4 qna inspired me to start thinking about college au headcanons except a lot of these are gonna be really specific to my school and y'all are just gonna have to deal with that <3
Kyana feeds some of the school cats. she would feed all of them if she could
Dani smuggled Plug (the scrawniest black cat you've ever seen) into her dorm room illegally and somehow management hasn't caught her yet (based on a true story) (Kyana visits to see Plug all the time)
Finbar keeps an updated tier list of every canteen in the school with breakdowns of the best stalls/dishes for each
A senior from the school of engineering once said to me 'all the engineering people dress like rats cuz our classrooms don't have aircon' (context: tropics) anyway that's Dani
Kyana would probably be involved in a lot of freshman orientation events from second year onwards. she just likes talking to the new kids and giving them advice like she would be the kind of orientation group leader who'd get messages from her freshies asking about all kinds of random nonsense because she's made sure they know they can always contact her with questions
VR-LA is The Guy you go to for textbook pirating resources
(this is more of a 'wouldn't that be funny' but VR-LA is just Veerle's discord handle)
Docent is the name of VR-LA's old laptop that broke down so he gave it to Cassimere (computer engineering major he met once at a networking event) to fix except Cassimere got everything off the hard drive and then somehow managed to fuck it up Even More so he had to get a new laptop (and named it Emi)
Roy has gotten food poisoning from his dorm meal plan at least once (based on at least one true story)
The heap trio + Mandy would be those friends constantly playing majong in the dorm lounge and if all the majong tables are taken they just play in one of their dorm rooms on a towel to dampen the tile shuffling noises (it was Mandy's idea)
Every morning Dani goes to the drinks stall at her faculty and orders one iced coffee to the point where the stall owner starts preparing an iced coffee whenever they see her approach (based on my true story)
Roy would be one of those people who goes clubbing every other week and every time he tries to drag the rest of the heap trio and Egan almost always goes and Dani would go if she didn't have a good excuse but always begrudgingly. anyway Roy would always be the only one having a good time until Egan gets drunk enough to start having fun
Finbar actually uses the dorm kitchens instead of just buying canteen food and it always makes the hallways smell really good
Vhas also uses the dorm kitchen sometimes but like. one time i walked into the pantry on my floor and someone had left cut sweet potatoes and 2 eggs in an inch of water in a pan on the stove. that's Vhas
Kyana's constantly applying for overseas exchanges and international summer/winter school programmes. the world is large and she wants to see it!
Maxim's the definition of a hall phantom. you know he lives on your dorm floor because you pass him by in the hallways sometimes and literally nowhere else. sometimes you're not convinced that he actually exists
VR-LA and Maxim's friendship stems from them being from wildly different faculties (VR-LA's in STEM, Maxim's doing anthropology so arts/social sciences) but also having lots of weird interests they cant really bug anyone in their home faculties about
Elyse is in student government and every once in a while Finbar receives a series of angry texts about the newest idiocy she's had to put up with
MR-SN and AS-TR start a stargazing club together. other notable members include AS-TR's girlfriend E-DN, MR-SN's friend C-RA (the one who always volunteers to carry the heavy ass telescopes) and MR-SN's friend K-LB who he pestered into coming to fix one of the wonky scopes even though K-LB's actually in electrical engineering but he's the only engineering person MR-SN (an arts student) knows
oh and of course VR-LA joins because he genuinely just likes space (developing a crush on his club chairperson was not on his bingo card)
Kyana and E-DN were MMA sparring buddies at one point which is how she found out about the stargazing and joined immediately
honestly i can probably think of more but this post is fuckin long LMAO
#rolling with difficulty#'do not let the internet turn you into an american' i say as i make posts that can be understood by me and me only#i mean im not sorry about it this is my house#like my experiences are just gonna be extra incomprehensible because my countrys fuckin tiny so the target audience really is me and me onl#too bad! you think its hard to read my posts? i gotta live like this!#if i sound extra confrontational i got 5 hours of sleep for the whole week unfortunately so just know its all /lh more or less#really tempted to make some kind of business major joke for roy even though obviously the heap trio would all be in engineering#bc its just common knowledge in my school that business majors are the ones with the most free time to go clubbing all the damn time#and *also* theyre the faculty that dresses the best which also tracks??#didnt really nail down specific majors for everyone (besides the obvious ones like food science for finbar and mech eng for dani)#but i kinda like the idea of cs for VR-LA because of that 'programmers are real world wizards' joke and also.. projecting#cs with focus area in AI would even make sense bc of docent and emi. if i want to make the projecting Even Worse!#also if i ever do human designs for the old crew (doubtful cuz i find drawing robots more fun than drawing humans)#look up sally hansen hypnautical nail polish bc i wanna give human AS-TR that as a nod to her original design#didnt really get into the fashion of it all bc again i live in the tropics so nobody really dresses well here#the goal is to dress to not sweat more often than it is dress to look good#hands down my favourite line in the cqna was noir's i thermoregulate through my forearms#so in the middle of summer i still wear all black and just roll up my sleeves#like thats ME. except its summer ALL YEAR ROUND#walao#asto speaks
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#this hbomb video dropping the same week i read a fic that had a bit SUSPICIOUSLY CLOSE to one of my old clemvi comics :)#dialogue halfheartedly edited and still in the exact same order of delivery. too similar to be a coincidence of ideas#felt ... not good.. reading it :(#compared to me looking forward to finally reading a fic that the writer came to me and asked if they could adapt some of my ideas for :)#just goes to show the difference that literally just asking can make#im not gonna say what fic it is im just talking on my blog ok but the timing makes me :) i feel a little better now#whats funny is that i wrote the dialogue the way i did to condense the idea down into a 2 page comic. you couldve expanded on it...#like just ask!!! im not posting on the internet just to scream into the void ya know like i actually like sharing and talking about stuff#it speaks
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writing a little tasw short story about the boys new town high appearance and i got so fucking distracted in doing research about the universal studios (aka colossal studios) lot and i forgot what i was originally doing. did you know it takes 3 days for them to fill their fake lake. 10 hours if you only fill the pit. 4 days to drain and it will never, ever be clear water. they have 47 soundstages. a gym. 2 banks. a coffee bean and tea leaf. the bates motel is there if you even care!
#save me tasw short stories...#i think btr was filmed at paramount? i should research there next#once i finish the actual story i promise ill post them all on ao3 + wattpad and make it look like there's 100 fucking chapters lmao#but god how fun it must be to be someone who does this research for a living. tv news networks hit me up im having a great time#and yes i know i should be writing the actual chapter but im weak + im going out of the country and wont have internet in 2ish weeks#for about 3ish weeks i dont want it to seem like i've been gone forever so im posting a later chapter <3 forgive me
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Will probably delete later but genuinely WHY do so many ppl hate uf papyrus. "He’s horrible and a bad brother and abusive >:(((" my guy. YOU made him that way
#always weirds me out when a really bad take becomes popular fanon and ppl treat it like it's an inherent universal take#happens to all characters I feel but it's esp frustrating when it's not just a bad take but just straight making a character a certain way#as a plot device. or to project ur own issues onto. at that point just. make an oc or smth. why mangle a character so severely. what is#the purpose#im not even going to TRY to pretend i have perfect ic flawless interps (I absolutely don't and know this)#but even w/ characters I have minimal interest in (like asgore for ex) it's important to me to at least *try* to keep them in line w/ their#og counterparts.#and you'd think. given how so many ppl infantilized Papyrus. that some of that would've bled thru into au counterparts#but nope. the fanon versions are practically just wholly different characters who just look similar and 'fill the same role' in their au#and it's honestly not like there's a shortage of other characters sans could have a toxic relationship with in uf#(bc let's be honest here that's 90% of the reason uf papyrus got characterized that way. for ppl to project onto and sympathize with sans)#I don't like having strong negative opinions on things and I especially don't like talking abt them publicly but idk if it's just weird#timing or smth I've seen so many bad takes the past couple weeks#to each their own and I'd never like. bash someone for having a diff take than me. I just don't...understand.#idk#I'm really tired and my eyes are sticky so I really shouldn't even be posting rn bc I will see this later and be like#can't BELIEVE that guy posted an opinion on the internet. WHY would he do that
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the dark urge;
"there's no magic binding this blood to your body — only guilt"
#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#bg3 the dark urge#bg3#cw blood#cas.gif#uservanguard#oc rhidian#(they/them!)#baby's first gifs......of course it's rhidian that makes me face my fears of posting.....#i know i made them but i'm Obsessed with them#so now i have to inflict them on the internet.....you're welcome.....#trying to make captions look cool without using gradient text made me take psychic damage#but i hope this is more screen reader friendly despite the formatting#btw if any1 thinks my alt texts r not good pls do let me know! i did them to the best of my ability but im in no way versed in writing them#also idk if those pants r actually khaki coloured bc idk what colour that is lol#anyway. out into the world with you......oh rhidian we're really in it now#described#ID in alt#gif
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I wish AI images didn't make me so intensely upset. Just the existence of them bothers me a lot, because it's just clutter without meaning or emotion or any genuineness. But recently something happened that made me very upset, and I feel so irrational saying this, but it really gave me this sick, heart-wrenching feeling, and I wish it would stop. My mom was looking through Facebook, and showed me this image of birds that to me was so obviously AI. But she wasn't 100% sure it was fake, only telling me after I had told her it was definitely AI, that she had been a bit unsure about it.
I hate how intense my feelings are about it, bcs it made me want to irrationally almost infantalize her without meaning to. It just made me overwhelmingly sad that this is state of things. That people are being fed this imitation, this trash, and aren't familiar enough to recognize it all the time. Every time I think about it, it hurts my chest.
#im in a unrelated hyper emotional state at the moment#so i think thats obviously a factor as to why this is getting to me so much#BUT IT REALLY DOES MAKE ME SO INTENSELY UPSET#and i feel bad bcs i was definitely infantalizing her without meaning to#i didnt want to make her feel bad but god it just makes me so upset#this is the future of things????#she just wanted to see cute animals pics :(#and an account posing as a legitimate photography account posts that fucking trash#it makes me so upset#sorry im probably being really over dramatic and irrational about this#but ir really does make my chest hurt every time i think about it and i wish it would stop#it just makes me so depressed with the state of the internet#like when i try to look up simple reference pictures#and a lot of the search result is blatantly obvious AI trash#and it makes me intensely sad that there's people out there that cant tell the difference as well#and are being fed trash and lies. it hurts so bad to me#i wish this would pass soon#i mean im still going to be upset about the state of things. but I'd like to stop feeling this wounded#needed to write this and put it out there in hopes it will absolve the weird sick feeling i have about it#catie.rambling.txt
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