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squishmallow36 · 3 years ago

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Keeper of the Lost Prepositions - Forty-seven

Word count: 2.9k

Tw: biphobia

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @gaslight-gaetkeep-gayboss @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @florida-fruity-frog @poppinspop @crystallinewalker @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @never-mourn-the-good @rusted-phone-calls @when-wax-wings-melt @cotyledon-tomentosa @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @cherryberrybitch

On Ao3 or below the cut!

I shuffle to my room, collapsing face first onto my bed.

It’s a few minutes before Mom knocks at my half-open door, and I turn and lift my head just enough to ask, “Yeah?”

“Am I allowed in?”

Preposition.

“Sure.”

She sits at the edge of my bed, asking, “How are you doing? Considering...?”

I am this close to writing an essay about how nobody freaking cares until some traumatic event happens.

“I’m okay. You?”

“If I’m to be honest, I’m a little shaken up. But that’s to be expected.”

That sounds like something I’d say. Really puts things in perspective.

“I don’t think that’s why you’re here though.”

The triplets smash something downstairs, and Mom doesn’t immediately go running after them, giving me more evidence to fuel my thesis.

Ignoring them, she says, “You would be correct.”

Something about the way she said it made it feel like an ‘unfortunately’ would have blended perfectly into her sentence.

That fills me with dread, and I would deflate if I wasn’t already lying flat on my bed.

“Your Dad and I were talking and--.” she pauses, choosing words carefully.

This allows my imagination to fill in the gap.

You got scared and now we’re going into hiding with the Black Swan?

She says, “I spoke to Tiergan and you’re gonna have a sleepover with Tam and Linh.”

That’s code for ‘the Neverseen freaked me out and now I’m going to distance myself from you to prevent further damage.’

“Okay,” I mumble.

“It’s just for one night.”

That reminds me an irrational fear of mine. I don’t understand why I’m afraid of going to sleepovers, but I don’t understand a lot of things.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t have any friends until Sophie, so I never normalized it, mentally. I don’t know.

Having other people come to my house for a sleepover, however, is exciting.

At least I have a perfectly valid excuse for my mood to plummet. “You know how I feel about sleepovers.”

“I know, honey. I can see if Sophie can come.”

That won’t help, but, “Okay.”

The triplets smash something else, laughing maniacally.

Mom sighs, muttering under her breath. All I catch is ‘yeti.’

“I should go find out what they’ve done.”

I make a sound of agreement into the comforter, and I feel the bed shift ever so slightly as she stands up.

“You’d tell me if you need anything. Right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You can leap over there whenever you’re ready. Love you.”

“Love you too,” I mumble.

I count to thirty before flipping myself over to stare at the ceiling.

What’s wrong with me?

That’s a can of worms. Are you really sure you want to get into that?

I have to dismiss that question, knowing it will lead me down a rabbit hole that’ll go nowhere useful.

All of these secrets are tearing me apart. How many is it now?

I’m gay, I’m dating Fitz, Fitz’s bi, Biana’s questioning but possibly bi, Keefe’s living in Fitz’s literal closet, Keefe’s got a new ability-detecting ability.

Rex is talentless.

That one hurts the most by far.

Elwin’s mlm and dating a councillor, and the whole Tinker dilemma from the queer stuff to the Neverseen stuff.

Anything else? Amy’s also a lesbian but, like, she just came out to her parents. But her parents don’t know Nyira yet…

And I don’t know if anything Alvar-related is classified as a secret…

Then there’s Glimmer. Who’s half human. With a special ability. Named Eleanor.

Honestly, that list in itself could be a verse of a parody of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” with a little bit of work trying to fit the syllables.

You should really be glad that you’re a weirdo.

I guess. But that doesn’t make it that much less suspicious. And I hate lying.

Correction. You’re terrible at lying and so you gave up because getting caught scared you too much, and now you don’t have any experience whatsoever or skills to help you get away with it.

I know this train of thought could drive off a cliff with that but instead I’m going to gently encourage you to go start packing. You know you’ll overthink all of it.

That’s...fair. But that doesn’t mean I like it.

I pack for at least three days of clothes, because I don’t know what might happen so it’s better to be over prepared than under prepared.

I bring both the first and second books of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series because what if I finish the first one? They’re reasonably short, so even though I’m on chapter four, I could potentially finish it.

Like I’m actually going to have time to read.

I’m fully aware that I’m going to spend as much time as possible indoors on my Imparter.

After I prepare myself mentally, I text Linh to let her know that I’m going to be leaping over there within the next five minutes assuming the triplets don’t obstruct my path.

She replies with an ASCII smiley face.

When I leap over there, she’s standing at the top of an unimaginably long staircase, and asks, “Did you see my little smiley face?”

I stop, because she’s already deviated from my mental script I crafted while packing, before remembering it.

“Yeah. How’d you learn how to do it?”

She shrugs happily. “Glimmer. But it should be common knowledge.”

“That it should. The classic and all of the keyboard smiley faces.”

“There’s more?”

I pull out my Imparter and open up a blank Google Doc, beginning to list them as we descend the stairs.

Halfway down, not used to this much physical activity, I ask, breathlessly, “Are these stairs going to Exile? Because if I haven’t walked through the center of the Earth, someone should really recheck their math.”

She laughs softly, not even mildly fatigued.

Thankfully, she distracts me by detailing all of the things that have happened since we last spoke at length.

We aren’t the closest of friends, but she seems kinda desperate to talk to someone else, but I get to know all of the tricks she’s played on Tam, and I copy them into a Google Doc for later use against the triplets.

When it’s my turn to infodump, I have to tiptoe around my recently accumulated abundance of secrets.

We finally get to the bottom, and I swear, if there were any more steps, I would have seriously considered rolling myself down.

Linh graciously gives me thirty seconds to catch my breath before knocking on the door, saying, “Have fun, Tammy!” before running off to who knows where.

I manage one of my legendary awkward waves, saying, “Hey.”

Tam greets me with a nod, before gesturing to me to follow him.

His room is significantly less Tam than I’d have expected, considering that I don’t believe that he owns any clothes that aren’t black.

Yet, his room’s yellow, of all colours. He doesn’t have much stuff in here, either, except for a cat statue in a corner, but the lack of things makes sense.

I doubt Exilium is the kind of place that’d let him get a ton of material possessions, and he doesn’t seem like he’d want any of his belongings from Choralmere.

I sit on the edge of his bed, and we don’t exchange any words for the next hour because I don’t see the need for any conversation. I’m playing on my Imparter, and he’s losing his mind reading something, when Tiergan yells that someone’s at the door.

“It’s probably Sophie,” I say, as he sighs, annoyed, before standing up to open the front door.

Inspiration strikes at the strangest times, and I start sketching some designs, giving myself a papercut as I pull my notebooks out of my bag so that I don’t have to get up to open or close the door.

One step closer to the Wall-E hover chairs.

It should also work for Tam’s room. Considering that I’m eyeballing the dimensions on his door instead of mine.

I get so focused that when I notice Sophie watching over my notebook, I scare myself.

“What? You didn’t sense a disturbance in the force?”

“Clearly, I did not.”

“Whatcha doin’?”

“I don’t want to stand up to open the door anymore so I’m going to fix it.”

“Have fun with that.”

She completely understands my thought pattern. Or rather, my tendency toward Technopath brain. That’s best friend material right there.

“Linh’s outside if you wanna go talk,” Tam says, leaning against his doorway.

Sophie looks at me, a silent question asking if I want to come with her, and I shake my head.

“You know I’m going to be thinking about this the entire time if I do.” I wave around my notebook for emphasis. “Plus, it’s outside, and I try to avoid that whenever possible.”

Another hour passes, and I’ve hit a mental wall, so I rummage around my backpack, trying to find my headphones.

I swear, sitting on the floor.

“Hm?” Tam asks.

“Forgot my earbuds.”

“Hm.”

I try to keep working, but end up giving up and going back to playing on my Imparter.

“Why do you need them?” Tam asks.

I shrug. “Music helps me think.”

“And you need the thingies you forgot?”

“I mean, I could play it out loud but I don’t--.”

“Do you realize how often the Beatles are played here?” he interrupts. “Play whatever you want. Just not the Beatles, I beg you.”

“...Okay. This is my current favourite, but let me know if it’s too loud.”

I start playing the album at the quietest setting that I can still hear.

Tam takes it immediately and cranks it up because apparently it wasn’t loud enough.

At the end of the first song, Tam remarks, “That song absolutely slapped.”

“See, not all human music is bad.”

“This is human? I could’ve sworn that this was dwarven.”

“Yeah. If you could pick out the words, they’re in English. It’s a human language.”

“There were some new dwarven bands that sounded just like this back when we lived down there.”

“This album is actually fourteen years old this year, so it’s not exactly new on the human scale.”

With that, I go back to mouthing all of the lyrics, which I somehow know. I don’t know why I tried so hard to learn them in the first place, because in the end it doesn’t even matter.

They’ll get forgotten soon enough.

Sophie happens to walk in during the most difficult song to memorize due to the sheer number of words rapped during the verses.

Tam barely contains a screech, and I understand. I know how it feels when Bex walks into my room without asking.

“Is that...Linkin Park?” Sophie asks, puzzled.

“Yeah, why?” I reply.

“I did not expect that. What’s your favourite?”

“You dare make me choose? It’s ‘Hit the Floor.’ I don’t know why. But I’ve only listened to Hybrid Theory and Meteora though. They just dropped another album like two months ago, so that’s on my list, but at the same time I’m happy with what I know.”

“I’d have guessed you were more of a ‘Numb’ fan.”

“Why? I mean, I don’t hate it, but it’s not in the top ten. Usually, the amount that I like the song is proportional to how metal it is.” I shrug.

“You learn new things every day. Anyway, Linh’s sent me to tell you that dinner’s ready.”

Tam gets up without a word, and walks into the dining room.

“Have you ever listened to Skillet?” I ask Sophie, standing up myself.

“Never heard of them.”

“They have the vibe that I like, so I’ll send them to you. But I’m not a total psychopath. I also have an extensive library of film scores and Disney songs to which I listen.”

“And that syntax is supposed to convince me?”

“That syntax is me trying to do my best to avoid ending a sentence in a preposition, so don’t argue with me. I’m weird. You know this.”

“I still cannot believe you listen to Linkin Park.”

“It’s all your fault. Your iPod playlists did this to me.”

“I didn’t program your cyborg brain, but keep telling yourself that.”

I smile as we sit down, and I notice that somehow Marella, Biana, and Fitz were dragged over here.

And obviously Tiergan, Wylie, and Glimmer are here, considering they live here, although I am surprised that they didn’t stick all of us at a kids table.

Clearly they haven’t eaten with all of us in a room together. If it doesn’t turn into a food fight because of Keefe and Tam’s hair feud, then it’ll be a success.

Maybe the fact that Keefe’s in Fitz’s closet will prevent this.

A few minutes after we’ve all settled into our seats, Linh says, “I’d like to make an announcement, if you don’t mind, while we’re all here. I don’t really know when we’ll all be together like this anytime soon.”

Marella starts coughing, and she mutters something under her breath about witnesses.

“That too,” Linh allows, shrugging.

She takes a breath before saying, “Marella and I are dating.”

My first instinct is to make panicked eye contact with Fitz, and, after a second, I pray to the stars that everyone is more concerned with Tam.

“Excuse me, what?” he asks, almost yelling the last syllable.

Ignoring him, Biana asks, “So how long’s it been?”

“Three?” Linh looks at Marella, fact checking. “Three and a half months?”

Tam looks close to a total breakdown. “Three and a half months and you didn’t fyrian tell me?”

“This is exactly why you don’t get to know things,” Linh mutters, only angering him further.

“Marella, we are going to be having a very long talk about my sister.”

“That sounds fun. I can talk about her for hours. Can you?” Marella replies.

Tam doesn’t dignify it with a response, and Biana continues her interrogation.

I’m consulted for terminology almost constantly, because most queer terms are completely alien to elves.

For example, I have to explain what the word ‘lesbian’ means, and then Marella’s totally like, “oh yeah. That’s me.”

Linh, however, isn’t totally sure she isn’t m-spec, but she’s definitely wlw. She has a girlfriend, after all.

I had to define both m-spec and wlw.

But this is where controversy starts to rear its ugly head.

“Am I supposed to believe that people can be into both genders?” Glimmer asks.

I start to shake in anger, spots dancing in front of my vision.

I make eye contact with Fitz, and it’s apparent how much that one comment has absolutely destroyed ninety percent of his acceptance of himself.

“You’ve heard of Queen, the band, right?” I ask, trying desperately to keep my voice down.

“Yeah, who hasn’t?” she replies, saturated with attitude.

“Freddie Mercury was bi. And nobody seems to know this fact.”

“That’s a load of bullcrap.”

I pull up the Wikipedia article, and tell her to read for herself.

“So what?”

“I also saw a statistic that more than half of queer adults in the United States identify as bi, although there was another statistic that only like twenty-three percent of bi people are out to their close friends.”

“So half of the queers can’t make up their mind and they know it. That’s hilarious.”

“I’m willing to bet their decision to not come out is because they’re afraid of their friends reacting the way you are.”

She snorts. “Like I’m the one with the crazy reaction.”

“No one else seems to have a problem.”

“That’s because they’re too afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings.”

Finally, that triggers a reaction.

Glimmer just smirks.

“You all didn’t even give a crap until I called you out. Pathetic.”

She stomps away, leaving silence in her wake.

Fitz dares to break it. “So...while we’re on the subject, Keefe’s pan.”

“And what does that mean? If you don’t mind me asking,” Wylie asks.

Fitz looks at me for help.

I explain, “The official definition is attraction to all genders, and what that means is its own rabbit hole in itself. But I personally prefer the Keefe definition, while less technically correct, of ‘Girls are hot, guys are hot. Fight me.’”

“Is that not true, though?” Biana asks.

Marella counters, “Biana, do you have something you want to tell us?”

She blushes. “I’m just saying.”

Fitz comes to her rescue, saying, “Anyway. Keefe would want everyone to know.”

“Does that include Lord Cassius?” Linh asks.

“Yeah,” I answer. “He’s basically disowned Keefe until he, quote, ‘Comes to his senses.’ It’s as bad as it sounds. I was there. Accidentally outed myself in the process.”

“Again, Dex, you might want to think about that sentence you just said,” Marella says.

“Hey. Other people are coming out and Biana already knows. So, yeah. I’m gay too.”

I’m just a little bit too far into a state of panic to completely register everyone’s reaction, but I don’t have to get into another argument.

Although, Biana is determined to get details out of me. Like she doesn’t already know too much.

And she’s already making plans to talk about boys with Sophie and I. Because this is a sleepover. And I’m pretty sure I don’t have a choice in the matter.

At least there’s an unfair number of hot Disney princes to help me lie about anything that even remotely relates to Fitz.

There’s no way in Exile I’m going to be the reason he’s outed. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.

#i lost track of time so yesterday was like what the fuck it's friday already?#kotlc #detz #dex dizznee #fitz vacker #kotlc fanfic

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salu921 · 6 years ago

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priya921things · 6 years ago

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antoine-roquentin · 5 years ago

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after mark esper’s firing, trump’s active secretary of defense, since november 9, has been christopher miller. miller came up through the green berets, and has been an active proponent of special forces for use not just in a counterinsurgency role in places like somalia and afghanistan, but to "defeat Chinese and Russian aggression.” in service of such a role, he wrote an article for task and purpose on october 19, in which he laid out such a strategy. the article included a file photo not described in the article itself, but dated to 1986 carrying the description “PSSE-B Section P-23 at the 'Bridge of Spies', circa 1986: Edgar Smith, Alex Hernandez, David Gensiejewski, Terry Malgrem, Dennis Bohen, Gary Jones, Sam Edgar, John Schuler, Alex MacRae, David Farmer, Wally Wing“

the cia’s own archives describe PSSE-B well:

As Stejskal notes early on, the first SF units were patterned after those of the Office of Strategic Services (OSS) in World War II. After some experimentation with structure, SF settled on 12-man teams, each member crosstrained in several areas to add depth to the limited manpower. Besides being SF-qualified, each unit member was required to hold a Top Secret clearance and to demonstrate a high level of proficiency in German or an Eastern European language; those with the best language skills and who represented the bulk of the unit early on tended to be “Lodge Act” soldiers, ethnic Eastern Europeans welcomed into the US Army in the postwar period.

Two external developments affecting Det A were the 1961 construction of the Berlin Wall five years after the unit arrived in Berlin, which heightened the tension and potential danger, and the Vietnam War, which decreased the pool of potential replacements for the unit. From a high of 10,000, the number of SF troops declined to 4,200 by the mid-1970s. As the author points out, the unit also had to deal with the constant challenge of missions other than its primary UW one: underwater operations, in which only one team was trained; counterterrorism operations, which involved close coordination and training with the German police and anti-terrorist force GSG-9; and close quarters battle training, in concert with the FBI, the Israelis, and Britain’s Special Air Service (SAS).

As the author notes, Det A was training for participation in the Iranian hostage crisis following the seizure of the US embassy in Tehran in 1979. Even then, its primary mission was intelligence collection and the rescue of the three Americans held captive at the Foreign Ministry. Again, the Det’s mandatory support to Army exercises limited personnel available for the Iran hostage rescue mission. The collision of a helicopter and a C-130 at the Desert One landing site in Iran aborted Operation EAGLE CLAW and led to widespread adverse publicity; an unintended consequence was that team members were left in Iran to find their own way out. Afterward, the Det A contingent began training for its own follow-on, SNOWBIRD, inside the Foreign Ministry. The 20 January 1981 release of the hostages made the task superfluous.

In 1981, SACEUR Gen. Bernard Rogers visited the unit for a briefing, the upshot of which was a refocusing on strategic intelligence collection and reporting and an emphasis on CT operations—the latter both an “opportunity” and a “problem,” according to Stejskal—rather than UW, which he notes was still perceived as counter to “the American way of war.” (5) Fatefully, the shift also triggered an OPSEC survey of the unit that uncovered irregularities. Adding insult to injury, the unit’s OPSEC was compromised by a Newsweek article focused on a team member who had participated in the hostage rescue operation and mentioned an “SF unit in Berlin.” As a result of that disclosure, the OPSEC survey judged that the unit should be shut down and a new unit be created in a different location, which happened in 1984.

The new unit was designated the US Army Physical Security Support Element-Berlin (PSSE-B), its classified designator the 410th SF Detachment. The PSSE-B was ostensibly an MP unit tasked with conducting vulnerability surveys on US government facilities. This renaissance brought with it two significant problems, however—first, Det A and the PSSE-B were never divorced from one another, not in the eyes of the German police, with whom they trained and not with the German public, with whom they had interactions, and most definitely not in the eyes of Soviet and East German military and intelligence entities. Second, PSSE-B’s Regional Survey Teams found themselves doing little else; thus, the unit was spending 60 percent of its time on its cover rather than on its true mission. Although the unit was able to participate in a full urban UW exercise in 1985, other missions still intruded, including CT (such as TWA 847, the Achille Lauro cruise ship attack, and the La Belle disco bombing) and the fatal shooting of Military Liaison Mission (MLM) member Maj. “Nick” Nicholson by a Soviet border guard.

The other unexpected development was the fall of the Berlin Wall. The event prompted security concerns and the withdrawal of all SF and Military Intelligence (MI) units in Berlin until a decision could be made concerning future dispositions in Germany, if any. In the meantime, the unit’s extensive linguistics capabilities came in handy when a flood of refugees from the former East Germany began inundating the West. The unit’s last mission was to provide linguistics support to the Joint Allied Refugee Operations Center in Berlin. In this radically changed environment and with no need for its mission, PSSE-B was officially disbanded on 15 Aug 1990 and the UW mission would fade for a decade.

stejskal was himself transferred from Det-A to PSSE-B, having worked in it for a decade prior on such unconventional warfare missions: “specifically, missions targeting the Berlin road, rail, and canal infrastructure.”

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jeremyromajer · 1 year ago

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Jeremy Roma has over 20 years of MLM experience. He got a glimpse of the endless possibilities of network marketing when he attended an event with over 93,000 people in attendance. Thanks to MLM, he’s been able to transform his life from poverty to abundance. Like all “instant success” stories, Jeremy’s journey has been one of deep growth. He’s lives a simple life in South Louisiana and his top 3 principles are 1) Grow you and you’ll grow your team 2) Always do the right thing and 3) The Truth is always good enough.

#Jeremy Roma

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mlmonlineads-blog · 6 years ago

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flagalog · 5 years ago

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Categories

Orientations

[acespec] - acespec orientations

[aroacespec] - aroacespec orientations

[arospec] - arospec orientations

[aspec] - all asexual/aromantic spectrum orientations

[daimoric] - orientations that fall under diamoric

[mspec] - multiple gender attracted orientations

[nofin] - mspec orientations that exclude genders that are feminine in nature

[noma] - mspec orientations that exclude men

[nomin] - mspec orientations that exclude genders that are masculine in nature

[nonin] - mspec orientations that exclude genders that are non-binary in nature

[nowoma] - mspec orientations that exclude women

[orientations] - all orientations

[quoi] - quoi umbrella orientations/genders/experiences

[sapphic] - orientations that fall under sapphic/wlw

[vincian] - orientations that fall under vincian/achillean/mlm

[xlg] - genderless juvelic (glg) orientations

[juvelic] - all orientations defined using glg terminology

Genders

[agin] - genders agender in nature (may also tag genderless genders in general)

[auin] - genders autonomous in nature

[coric genders] - genders related to [blank]core

[faunagenders] - animal related genders

[female] - genders that include female in it’s definition/have some proximity to womanhood

[fin] - genders feminine in nature

[floragenders] - plant related genders (I will likely tag fungi too)

[fluid genders]

[fluix genders] - fluidflux genders

[flux genders]

[foodic] - food related genders

[genders] - all genders

[lin] - genders that are both fin and min

[male] - genders that include male in it’s definition/have some proximity to manhood

[min] - genders masculine in nature

[multigenders]

[nin] - genders non-binary or neutral in nature

[space genders] - space related genders, including those that are only space related in name and alien genders; excluding celestialgenders and galactian alignment

[xenic] - xenogenders/xenorientations

Gender Systems

[gender system] - falls under any gender system I don’t use this tag anymore

[celestialgender]

[celestial system]

[demigenders]

[galactian alignments]

[libragenders]

[magigenders]

[metal system]

[stellar system]

[vanarella system]

[zodiacgenders]

Other

[aplspec] - aplatonic spectrum flags

[attraction label] - flags for specific attraction types

[combo] - flags that are a mix of 2+ identities/groups (e.g. sapphic aspec), but not combos like edit blogs make (i.e. 2+ flags layered on top of each other)

[culture specific]

[edit] - proposed variations of existing flags that aren’t significant enough to be classified as a redesign imo; additions to existing flags (e.g. adding Philly Pride Stripes).

[flag d*sc*urse] - to keep track on info regarding flag creator or flag design controversies

[flag list] - several flags given, w/ or w/o linked sources

[gender expression] - related to gender expression/presentation

[intersex] - intersex/intersex specific flags

[meaning not defined] - color/symbol meanings not provided in post, but meanings may exist so check with the OP; flags whose colors were picked from an image are included because I’m not sure if that would really be considered a meaning for the orientation/gender/other or just the described coloring method; for filtering purposes only, not a judgement of flag quality or its creator(s) (I forgot about this tag so there’s a lot I didn’t tag this that technically should be) I don’t use this tag anymore.

[neuro specific] - neurogenders and neurorientations

[orientation genders] - genders influenced by one’s orientation (e.g. arogender)

[other] - any flags I couldn’t think of a category for

[polya] - polyamorous and similar terms (e.g. polyaffectionate)

[qspec] - queer spectrum orientations/genders

[relationship label] - e.g. queerplatonic

[symbols] - flag elements and other symbols

[subcultures] - butch/femme, twink/otter/bear, etc., some might be classified under gender expression depending on flag meanings

[simplified] - flags that are a simiplified version of an existing flag (e.g. adjustement in stripe number but not also color)

[term archive]

[umbrella] - flags of umbrella terms

Year of Coining - needs to be tagged

[20/14] - mostly archived terms

[20/18]

[20/19]

[20/20]

Any flags I’ve made can be found under the [flagalog post] tag.

Things to tag/link

#[tags]#[flagalog post]

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priya921things · 6 years ago

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aflyingcontradiction · 5 years ago

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aflyingcontradiction reads a women’s magazine

So I recently got offered a free trial subscription to one of the most popular women’s magazines in Germany, “Freundin”. So I thought “Eh, it’s free” (yes, I did read the terms and conditions, as long as I don’t forget to cancel in time, it really is) - and now I’m holding Freundin 13/2020 in my hands. As women’s magazines aren’t exactly my usual leisure read, my curiosity is mostly of a sociological nature. What is it that the average German woman between the ages of 25 and 49 (Ottilie Normalverbraucher, if you will) wants to read about?

Well, have some impressions (below the cut, ‘cause this is a long post nobody asked for)

The thing that jumped out at me first is: Half the magazine is fucking ads. Some of them are actual ads, some of them pretend to be content, but are really just lists of “Here, have some clothing/make-up/decorative items and here’s where you can buy them for the cheap, cheap price of HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO SPENDS OVER 140 € ON A BATHING SUIT?” (Perhaps the people who actually spend 3 € a magazine to read advertisements...)

Some of the actual ads are rather entertaining, though. Like, for instance, an oddly passive aggressive ad for homeopathy featuring a woman saying that she, like 30 million other Germans has great experiences with homeopathy (let’s not think too hard about where they pulled that number from) and that she should get to decide what goes in her body. And yes, of course, she should, but I’d still like doctors and pharmacists to give advice based on current scientific knowledge and call out homeopathy for the bullshit that it is - a preference which has fortunately been getting more airtime in Germany recently (about time!) so I’m pretty sure this ad is responding to that development.

Throughout the magazine, there are small interviews with various people (authors, artists, ‘average women’) and most of them are ... I don’t want to be mean, but just - incredibly vapid? “What makes you a good friend?”, “What makes you laugh?”, “What’s your favourite place?” Am I expected to care about this? Tell me what it is these people actually do! Let them talk about their work or their calling or the event that changed their life forever or SOMETHING relevant. Tell me why they’re in your magazine in the first place!

There’s a small agony aunt section and one of the letters features a woman worried about her partner wanting to buy a motorbike because she’s afraid he’ll get into an accident. And the answer is the fairly reasonable and predictable “Discuss it like grown-ups” stuff, but starts with “It’s unlikely that prohibiting him from buying the bike will help” ... erm, the fuck kind of assumption about relationships is that? He’s (hopefully) a grown-ass adult, why are you even assuming his partner is trying to “prohibit” something. She’s not his mother!

There is, as expected, some plague content and some of it is about as obnoxiously sappy and “inspirational” as one might expect (”I have really learned to value my neighbours”, “The lockdown has taught me what’s really important in my life”, “Let’s look to a brighter future”). But some of it is also just surprisingly honest. One of their editors admits to breaking down crying or randomly getting so angry that nobody can stand to be around her (ain’t that a mood), a mother writes an angry rant about the fact that the German government doesn’t give a shit about the effect of the school and daycare closures on children, a chef talks about the effects of the lockdown on her work. One woman says she will be careful about touching people she likes in the future, even after the crisis is over and sells it as “taking better care of her health” and now I’m sad...

Otherwise the articles vary wildly in quality: There’s an article about women’s midlife crisis which is mostly a collection of platitudes and generational stereotypes. There’s a surprisingly good article about coping with the sudden death of a partner that advocates for a healthier conversation about death, which is very much up my alley. There’s a series of pictures of women coming to terms with and being proud of their physical “flaws”, which is basically body positivity 101, but hey, I’d rather that than diet advice.

The list of outdoor hobbies with pros and cons is surprisingly fun. Maybe I ought to get into foraging... (like that’s actually going to happen).

The recipes also look rather delicious, I think I’m going to pass those on to my brother in law ‘cause I don’t actually cook...

There’s summer travel tips, which seems a tad optimistic, but okay.

Why does the classifieds page have literally four separate offers for tarot card services and one thing that looks suspiciously like an MLM?

And on the last pages there are, of course, horoscopes. Mine tells me that the reason I’ve been so emotional recently is Venus. And here I thought it was depression and anxiety exacerbated by a mismanaged global crisis. The more you know.

All in all, I expected a lot of this, I’m surprised by some things (both positively and negatively) and I’m definitely not going to become a regular reader but that won’t stop me from spamming y’all with my impressions when I get the next magazine.

#german stuff #aflyingcontradiction reads women's magazines #also some #covid 19 #content because of course there is #my babbling

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