#Macaque is an arsehole

[askblueandviolet]

macaque, why do you keep using they/them for mayor? I heard from many people that when someone dislikes a person they ignore their chosen pronouns, (although of course that would not work with mayor because they use any pronoun)

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[incorrectjttw]

Sūn Wùkōng: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me! Liù'ěr Míhóu: Oh-? Even more humiliating than- Sūn Wùkōng: We are not doing this!

[amazingdeadfish]

What would wukong tgink of the bond that macaque and mayor develop? Does he ever find out?

Within the context of the Blue and Violent series? Well... I suppose the answer is complicated.

Let's go under the assumption that it's after the season three finale, but potentially before season four. If Wukong were to say, stumble upon Macaque and the Mayor talking and chatting as if they were not enemies (perhaps I could go as far as to say they were bickering like an old married couple), then he would be confused and very very concerned for the most part.

I mean, all it would look like to him is that Macaque is 'scheming with the enemy's after all'. He would be awfully suspicious. But of course the more he listens (probably secretly) the more he realises that no, this is not schemeing. It was merely two old friends (acquaintances? Lovers? Wukong wouldn't know) chatting. And he knows Macaque is more than capable of handling himself if the Mayor really still poses as a threat.

Nonetheless he would eventually confront Macaque about it (probably in the worst way possible, both unintentionally and intentionally somehow). Macaque might explain that the Mayor is harmless (sort of) but I don't think he would actually ever tell Wukong his history with the Mayor. But Wukong is smart enough to not be told to know that the history between Macaque and the Mayor is... Certainly something. And so Wukong might back off a bit.

In a nutshell? Wukong doesn't approve. Of course he doesn't, how could he? But Macaque doesn't need Wukong's approval. The extent of what Wukong will ever know about the relationship between Macaque and Mayor is that somehow, at some point, they were close to each other, fell apart, and are... Somehow still talking. And somehow, in some way, Macaque is not holding as much of a grudge on the Mayor as he is on Wukong. Which, understandably, makes Wukong incredibly confused. Because how bad was Wukong to Macaque really if Macaque seemed to have more fun being with the Mayor compared to him? Why was Macaque finding it easier to make amends with the Mayor of all people, rather than him?

Wukong doesn't know. And he'll probably never really know. Is he jealous of it all? No. Just confused, and maybe a little sad that his old friend found better company than him, in the Mayor of all people. So he might find it all degrading against himself actually, haha!

[mythologyfolklore]

Liù'ěr Míhóu joins the jttw gang, or: How to redeem an all-hearing celestial monkey with a superiority complex and a seriously bad attitude

(A/N: TW: mention of SA, genocide, alcoholism)

Chapter Twenty-eight: Awkward reunion

.

Èrláng looked slightly different from what Wùkōng remembered.

Maybe it was the different attire; white and beige robes, rather than the golden and cyan armour from before.

Maybe it was the unhealthy pallor and tired eyes; gone were the oppressive gaze and the fire of battle lust in those black orbs, so it seemed.

“Good evening, Illustrious Sage”, Wùkōng greeted politely, even though he had to refrain from gnashing his teeth.

“Great Sage Equal to Heaven”, Èrláng replied, with the most forced smile Wùkōng had ever seen. “You have converted to Buddhism and accepted its teachings. Surely you will be rewarded with a lotus throne of your own, once your journey is finished. Congratulations.”

Why is he telling me that? And why is he sounding so bittersweet about it?

But Wùkōng pretended not to hear the bitterness and replied: “That remains to be seen, so don't congratulate me just yet. We – that is, my master, my fellow disciples and myself – have been travelling for almost nine years now and with how it's going right now, it'll take another five. Anyway, we're staying at the Kingdom of Sacrifices right now and we're trying to help out the local Buddhist monks …”

From here he gave a run-down of the situation, while his former nemesis listened intently.

“… so I was hoping you could lend us a few hands”, finished Wùkōng.

Èrláng smiled, more genuinely this time. “Well, my brothers and I are just coming from a hunt, so it's not like I have anything better to do. I'll gladly help you. Although … I don't know what kind of villain lives here-”

One of his brothers piped up: “Èrgē¹, have you forgot? Scattered Rock Mountain and Emerald Waves Lagoon are the home of the All-Saintly Dragon King!”

Èrláng chuckled sheepishly: “I … actually might have forgot about that. Wait …” His eyes narrowed. “The All-Saintly Dragon King has never caused trouble before.”

Wùkōng arched an eyebrow. “He has now, but it's mostly that son-in-law of his …”

Another brief explanation later, Èrláng said: “Well, if you already killed the patriarch, it's wiser to take down the rest of them now, while they're unprepared.”

“Can't it wait until tomorrow?”, said Bājiè all of the sudden. “It's getting late and we're all tired-”

“Speak for yourself, you lazy hog!”, Liù'ěr Míhóu threw in. “Unlike you we're not a bunch of slobs! Yeah! I'm also here!”, he jibed, as everyone turned to stare at him. “Nice of you all to finally notice me!”

Wùkōng paid close attention to Èrláng's reaction. He seemed … curious?

“I don't recall Bodhisattva Guān Yīn mentioning a second monkey demon being one of the Tang monk's disciples?”, he remarked.

“I only joined about nine months ago. Hello to you too, Zhēnjūn². I'm the Six-Eared Macaque, my religious name is Sūn Wùhuàn, I'm about 1100 years old and I'm the youngest of the Tang Monk's disciples”, the white monkey introduced himself.

The Little Sage opened his Heavenly Eye, only for all three eyes to dart back and forth between the Six-Eared Macaque and the Monkey King.

“Your auras are similar”, he observed. “I always thought the Great Sage was unique.”

Wùkōng's right eye twitched. What the fuck did that three-eyed arsehole mean, he wasn't unique?!

Liù'ěr Míhóu explained: “He is unique. It's just that we're two of a kind. There's another two of us, but they live far, far away. And for your information, they prefer to stay under the radar, so please don't look for them.”

“As long as they don't make trouble, sure. But do tell me … what in all three realms is a radar?”, Èrláng asked.

Liù'ěr Míhóu looked a bit sheepish. “Uhhh, something that won't be invented for another 1300 years, so don't think about it too much.”

If everyone hadn't looked at him with WTF-faces before, they were now.

Good to know that Wùkōng wasn't the only one confused by the other macaque's anachronistic references.

Bājiè on the other hand looked completely indifferent, like he had simply resigned himself to not thinking too hard about the weird shit that sometimes came out of Liù'ěr Míhóu's mouth.

Finally Èrláng shrugged. “Oh well. Either way, it's a pleasure to meet you, Miss.”

“I'm a male”, corrected the Macaque. “I may look and sound female, but … uhm … hey. Are you okay?”

The Little Sage had grown even more pallid and was covering his mouth with his hands. His black eyes were wide and … wait, was that a tear?! Holy shit, was he-?!

Then, without a warning, he grabbed Liù'ěr Míhóu, embraced him tightly and proceeded to sob into the shocked macaque's shoulder.

What?!

What the actual-?!

Okay, now Wùkōng's head was reeling!

What in all eighteen hells was this, he couldn't even-

His gaze met that of Bājiè, who seemed to have figured something out that he hadn't. And wasn't that a novelty! Could Bājiè have figured out, why Èrláng was getting so emotional after Six-Ears had revealed his true sex? Seriously, why-

Oh.

Oh.

Ohhh!

“Finally figured it out?”, Bājiè whispered.

“How did you know?”, Wùkōng whispered back.

“I'll explain later”, murmured the boar demon, before clearing his throat and saying aloud: “Ahem, as beautiful and heartwarming as this is, we still have a draconic issue at hand.”

Èrláng coughed, let go of his stunned captive and dried his eyes.

“Of course, of course”, he muttered. “My apologies.”

He can apologise for that, but not for what he did to my babies …

“And just to be clear: this is staying between us. Tell anyone what happened and you can say goodbye to your tongues.”

The three monks shrugged; it wasn't like anyone would believe them anyway.

Bājiè spoke up again: “So, what about putting the attack off until tomorrow-”

“An army doesn't wait, until the timing is convenient for their opponent”, Èrláng cut him off and suddenly he was the warrior god from then again. “Right now they're unprepared for battle. This is the best opportunity to wipe them out completely.”

“But-”

“Second Brother, they won't be that much better prepared tomorrow either”, one of Èrláng's sworn brothers suddenly spoke up. “That villain and his family live here, so they're not going to run away anytime soon. Why don't we all relax for the rest of the evening and destroy them tomorrow, when we're fresh and well-rested?”

“Lăo Kāng.”

“Lăo Yáng. Aren't the Great Sage and his fellow brothers our guests now? What speaks against having fun tonight? We can entertain them and we have enough food and drink for everyone! And is these three entering the path of virtue not a good reason to celebrate? Besides, we can also discuss details of a battle strategy, while we're at it and tomorrow we'll be as prepared as can be!”

For a brief moment, Èrláng's expression remained neutral. Then he seemed to resign himself to being outvoted by his own sworn brothers and sighed: “You know what, you're right. Let's make camp here for the night, our opponents really won't run away.”

Wùkōng too had to accept the fact, that today nothing would get done anymore.

“But we do have dietary inhibitions”, he informed the seven, just to be sure.

“Don't worry, we have fruits and the wine is dietary”, the Little Sage assured him.

Wùkōng was about to question that, when another of the Seven Sages spoke up:

“And the wine is dietary, because someone-”, he side-eyed Èrláng with a scowl, “-doesn't fucking stop, once he starts drinking!”

Èrláng snapped back: “Okay, first off: language. Secondly: tell the world, Yáo! Thirdly: since you apparently have enough leisure to nag, you might as well start setting up our tents! And don't you forget to take your evening medication again, or so help me!”

Brother Yáo made an offensive gesture at him and stomped off to fetch their camping equipment, followed by four of his brothers.

The sixth one stayed back with a fuming Èrláng and the three Buddhist monks, who were now exchanging awkward glances.

The sixth Sage cleared his throat and addressed Wùkōng: “Great Sage. Gentlemen. Do you mind, if I have a private word with my Elder Brother for a moment?”

“Of course not.”

The other man smiled politely, before taking Èrláng to the side with a more stern expression.

I wonder what they're talking about.

Suddenly Liù'ěr Míhóu snorted: “Heh! He's getting chewed out by Zhāng Bóshi for snapping at Yáo Gōnglín like that.”

“What was that for anyway?! How can anyone treat their sworn brothers like that?!”, Wùkōng questioned.

Liù'ěr Míhóu shrugged: “Eh, don't get too hung up about it. Alcoholics always get stroppy and defensive, if they're called out in public. Speaking from experience.”

“As a call-out guy or as an alcoholic?”

“Both.”

“Okay. But still!”

“Hey, easy does it. Celestials and humans don't do sworn siblinghood the way we do. To us, it's either an alliance or a form of marriage. They go all out on the sibling part. Shit talking, banter, the whole works.”

“That's true”, confirmed Bājiè.

“Besides, Èrláng seemed to be pretty concerned about Yáo forgetting his medicine for the evening – kinda concerning, that he needs to be reminded of that, but okay-”

“What kind of medicine?”, asked the Monkey King curiously.

“Oh, Yáo Gōnglín has a congenital heart disease, that even immortality couldn't fix, so Laozi gives him magic pills to keep his heart from blowing up. And now Èrláng keeps babying him about it.”

“Oh … that kinda blows. I guess the snapping makes sense in that context.”

“Yeah. Oh, there they come!”

Indeed Zhāng Bóshi returned with a slightly humbled Èrláng Shén on his heels.

Hilarious. And satisfying.

That prick deserved a good scolding at least. If only Wùkōng had the words to give that three-eyed bastard Dìyù for what he had done. But he had no words. Because how did you reproach a mass murderer without sounding like a total hypocrite?

Liù'ěr Míhóu meanwhile clapped his two hands at the god and his sworn brother and laughed: “There you are! I heard everything! It was top nodge entertainment! What a funny and heartwarming dialogue! I felt like listening to a theatre performance!”

Okay, damn.

Zhāng Bóshi frowned: “You need to stop.”

Èrláng Shén scowled: “Is there anything you can't hear?”

Liù'ěr Míhóu grinned: “Only the thoughts in your head – provided they remain unspoken, of course. Thoughts are the only thing, that makes no noise. Everything else, however … you get the idea.”

“Can you tell, when someone lies too?”

“Obviously. Though what I hear depends on the person. Some people can't lie credibly to save their lives, whereas others do it so well, that even I can just barely tell the difference. The latter are usually psychopaths.”

Now Èrláng looked less angry and more confused. “What is a psychopath?”

“Someone with a mental disorder that leaves them unable to feel empathy, guilt and most emotions”, the white monkey explained. “The word won't be invented for another 1300 years, but-”

“You can hear the future.”

“And the past and present. Only the Buddha knows more than I do.”

“That's a bold claim to make.”

“And a fact”, Liù'ěr Míhóu stated. Then his face turned flat. “But if you think I'm gonna tell you what'll happen in your future, forget it.”

Wùkōng confirmed: “Yeah, fat chance. Flattery, threats, torture – nothing works. The only exception is when he warns us from dickheads, who want to harm our master – and that's only because he likes us. But other than that? The most you can expect is prophecies so cryptic they only make sense in hindsight.”

“And that's not gonna change ever”, the Six-Eared Macaque said coolly.

Èrláng Shén didn't seem disappointed at all. Just all the more intrigued. “What do you mean by prophecies that only make sense in hindsight?”

The monkey shrugged: “Well, since that's in the past I can tell you an example. About 600 years ago, a powerful demon king heard about my near-omniscience and had me brought before him. He wanted to find out what would happen, if he invaded one of the neighbouring territories. And because I didn't like the way he was looking at me, I told him this: if you cross the stream, you will destroy a great empire.”

“So he did and the empire he destroyed was his own”, Èrláng said flatly.

The white monkey snickered: “Obviously!”³

“That sounds like a pretty clear prophecy though. Didn't it occur to him, that he would lose?”

Liù'ěr Míhóu shook his head. “No. I phrased it like that, knowing full well that he would interpret that as him conquering another territory. They always do. Hubris is one hell of a poison.”

Now Wùkōng tilted his head: “Hubris? What's that?”

The Macaque explained: “It's the excessive arrogance, that drives some people to challenge entities far beyond their league, or even put themselves above them. For example, it was hubristic, when you accepted the Buddha's wager.”

Wùkōng narrowed his eyes. “Is that so? Well, I'll tell you what's also hubristic: stealing my identity and my kingdom and thinking you can get away with it!”

The white monkey raised his hands. “Alright, touché-”

“You what???”

Suddenly Èrláng leapt up, his face distorted with rage to the point, where his eyes were glowing red.

Uh-oh.

The Little Sage strode around the fire and got all into the Macaque's face.

“You dared to try and take the place of the Great Sage Equal to Heaven?! You?! Don't make me laugh! What ever made you believe, that you could compare to him! A face-stealer, who abuses his own abilities for deception! It doesn't matter that you're of the same kind as him, you're not like him! You never will be like him! You will never be on his level!”

The Monkey King's mouth was hanging slack.

Was that guy seriously defending him, or was he seeing things?

But Bājiè looked just as flabbergasted, so he wasn't hallucinating (after all, they couldn't have the same hallucination, right?).

And Èrláng was just getting started: “You cannot take his place, because no one can! All that glory and power need to be earned through hard work and sacrifice and you haven't earned them! You're not even close to having his calibre! If he's a ten course meal, you're a bloody appetiser! Work towards your own damn reputation! The only person, who has ever given me a real challenge, who has given me a battle worthy of being called such, and you have the audacity to try and steal his credit, are you kidding me, how freaking dare you …”

I'm starting to feel like I'm in the wrong novel here.

Sūn Wùkōng felt his patience dwindling, until he noticed, that the Six-Eared Macaque was tapping the gourd in his hand with a single finger in a systematic pattern.

Oh.

He was using that weird tapping code he had taught Wùkōng and the other pilgrims months before.

Zhū Bājiè clearly noticed it too.

In fact, he deciphered what their youngest brother was tapping, before the Monkey King did (sometimes he did have his smart moments), and chortled – which he quickly disguised as a pig grunt, when Èrláng glared viciously at him.

Suddenly a voice from the background called out and the still visibly irate three-eyed god excused himself to go and help his brothers set up a feast for them all.

“What was that you said?”, whispered Wùkōng to his fellow macaque.

Liù'ěr Míhóu smirked, tapped it again and this time the other monkey was able to follow: “Totally stealing that 'ten course meal vs appetiser' insult. Don't tell him.”

Wùkōng snickered, his mood improving a little.

.

“So, how did you know, that his temperament is like that of our brother?”, asked the Monkey King Bājiè later, as everyone sat around the fire, eating a dinner cooked by Èrláng himself.

Bājiè shrugged: “Eh, I noticed a few things and they got me thinking, so in order to have certainty, I just went and asked straight up him.”

“… You're shitting me.”

“No, he did do that”, confirmed Èrláng. “Went up to me and asked me, if my temperament was 'extravagant', as he put it, like he wasn't risking being killed by me on the spot. As you can see, he's still here, though I did threaten to kill him, should he ever tell anyone.”

Bājiè nodded. “Yup. Pointed his three-tipped spear at my throat and everything.”

Wùkōng's eyes narrowed: “Wait, is that what you meant earlier, when you said he hates you? Is it because of that?”

The boar demon grimaced. “No, it's not that. It's … uh … well …”

Èrláng sneered: “Oh, what's wrong? Don't have the spine to explain? Or is it because technically they already know, but also don't?”

What.

“I'll give you a hint”, said the three-eyed god and pointed heavenwards. Towards the moon.

Wùkōng blinked. “Cháng'é?”

“She's my best friend. And he tried to rape her.” Èrláng's face and voice morphed into something so monstrous, that the Monkey King felt a shudder run down his spine. “I would have slaughtered him on the spot, if Cháng'é wasn't too tender-hearted to stand such a sight. It's only because of her and Guān Yīn, that this pig got to live.”

Wow.

The Monkey King side-eyed Bājiè. “You know, Third Brother, I keep questioning your self preservation instinct and now I'm questioning it even harder.”

“Same”, said Liù'ěr Míhóu.

“Hey! How was I supposed to know that the most beautiful goddess in Heaven is besties with the most terrifying god in Heaven?!”

“You should have considered, that she has powerful friends, before you harassed her! But it doesn't matter! You shouldn't have touched her regardless!”, snarled Èrláng.

Zhū Bājiè muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “I couldn't think shit, I was drunk.”

“You don't think shit, when you're sober either!”, retorted Liù'ěr Míhóu.

“Also, what kind of pathetic excuse is that!”, snapped Èrláng. “'I was too drunk to think'! Pah! You weren't too drunk to bust into her palace and try to force yourself on her! What would the world come to, if everyone could excuse their misdeeds like this! Should I now try to defend my own actions, by saying 'I was just following orders'?! It's a rubbish excuse and anyone with half a brain can see that!”

Thus reminded of his slain babies, Sūn Wùkōng stood up.

Grimly he spoke: “I'm glad to hear you see it that way. Because those were my dear grandchildren you wiped out and for that I hate you. I regret becoming your sworn brother, because now I can't take it back and I'll spend the rest of my eternal life worrying, that you will hurt them again. My master keeps talking about mercy and forgiveness and who knows! Maybe I'll get to the point, where, in a thousand years or so, I will find it in my heart to forgive you! But today is not the day, nor will it be tomorrow or any time in the foreseeable future.”

The Little Sage held his gaze and nodded. “Good to know. I wasn't going to ask for your forgiveness in the first place, but I understand and accept your decision.”

Good.

But that sliver of satisfaction instantly went out the window, when Wùkōng noticed Liù'ěr Míhóu wiggling his ears and looking at Èrláng with a strange gaze.

Pity.

The Six-Eared Macaque was pitying the three-eyed god.

What ever he had heard in the other's past and future had caused him to actually feel bad for him.

The Monkey King made note to confront the Macaque about that later.

And then Zhū Bājiè asked: “Okay, but seriously, Eldest Brother, how did you become sworn brothers with these people?”

Èrláng Shén blushed for some reason and Wùkōng was embarrassed to feel his own face heat up.

“During our first fight, actually. It was a heat of the moment kind of thing”, Èrláng admitted awkwardly.

“Yeah”, Wùkōng confirmed, equally awkward. “We were duking it out and pulling no punches and he was like 'hey, you're pretty strong, fighting you is fun' and I was like 'thanks, you're pretty strong too and I like it', and then he was like 'let's be sworn brothers' and I was like 'fuck yeah!', and that's how it happened.”

“While we were still fighting”, added Èrláng and the Monkey King nodded.

In retrospect, it had been absolutely priceless. If not for all that had happened since then, maybe Wùkōng would still be able to laugh about it.

Bājiè meanwhile was gawking at the both of them, like they were complete lunatics, which was probably exactly what he thought.

But he didn't say it out loud.

Which, in light of the fact that Èrláng Shén's aura grew more murderous every time the pig demon opened his mouth, was definitely wiser.

Loath as the Monkey King was to admit it, he understood the three-eyed Celestial's anger in this case. If someone had tried to rape one of his friends, Wùkōng would've felt the same way. So while the monkey was cranky that someone was threatening his brother with murder, Bājiè had brought this one on himself, so Wùkōng supposed he could let his nemesis have this one.

Plus, Èrláng's rage was … really fucking beautiful. This flawless face twisted into a bloodthirsty grimace; the deceptively pristine hands, that were clearly itching to wrap themselves around their enemy's head to crush it like a grape; the bloodthirsty and slightly crazed look in his eyes; the suffocatingly heavy aura, intensified by his just barely contained wrath … this was art. A beautiful, twisted, living piece of art. Wùkōng wished he could ban it on paper. Sadly, he was a crappy painter, so putting it into poems would have to do. Sūn Wùkōng had met a lot of pretty people, but none had ever stirred anything inside him. Except for this monkey murdering, arsonist, regrettably beautiful and very paintable bastard.

The Monkey King didn't like what it was doing to him. Sure, he himself was murderous and violent, but never had he been as fascinated by other people, as when he saw the unadulterated anger of the three-eyed god. He had felt it too, when they had fought 560 years ago. A thrill pulsating in his veins and tingling in his marrow. A level of excitement never experienced before or since. Not even with the Six-Eared Macaque.

No one could arouse this feeling but Èrláng Shén.

Damn that hypnotic arsehole!

Frustrated, Wùkōng decided to focus on his food and put a spoonful of soup into his mouth. Only to tear up and wheeze, when his mouth started to burn.

Èrláng tilted his head. “Great Sage, are you okay?”

“Hot! Hot! Hot! Like molten copper!”, cried Wùkōng.

Someone handed him a gourd. It turned out to be filled with milk (who was carrying a gourd full of milk?) and he emptied it greedily.

As he finally recovered from the way too spicy food thanks to the milky remedy, he noted that the men around him were trying to hold back their smiles and giggles.

He huffed: “What? Not everyone likes it spicy!”

Cue the collective laughter.

Liù'ěr Míhóu was the first to stop snickering, and held out his hand. “Alright, now you're feeling better, so give me back my gourd.”

The Monkey King complied, though he did ask, why the Six-Eared Macaque was carrying a gourd full of milk.

The white monkey shrugged. “I like milk. It's yummy and a good way to sate you for a while, if you're not lactose intolerant or allergic, which I'm not.”

“What do those words mean?”, asked Bājiè.

So the Six-Eared Macque explained it to him and the others.

“The causes for those averse reactions will be discovered 1300 years from now”, he said. “But it's a biological condition, so there's no harm in telling you people about it. Might actually help some of you, if you eat something and find yourself sick without poison. And I happen to know that one of you is lactose intolerant!”, he added pointedly, looking over the Sages of Plum Mountain.

“You're not intending to reveal each and every one of our weaknesses to your companions, are you? Because threatening to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of powerful gods is a very dangerous game to play”, warned Èrláng.

The macaque smiled with creepy serenity: “I only expose people, who force my hand – or rather, my ears. For now I simply want you all know, that I have all this knowledge and I'm not afraid to use it against you, if you give me no other choice. But I feel bad for you, Little Sage, so your dirty secrets are safe with me!”

Èrláng's face and aura grew even darker than before, as he told the six-eared monkey: “You shouldn't flaunt your knowledge so arrogantly. People who know too much tend to get silenced by those they know too much about.”

Liù'ěr Míhóu laughed: “Oh, certainly! But you won't harm me! I heard it in your future! Besides, other than you only a handful of gods actually stand a chance against me.”

“Just like very few stand a chance against me!”, Sūn Wùkōng felt the need to brag.

The white macaque smirked: “And yet you didn't beat me!”

The Monkey King gasped, offended: “Bitch, you didn't beat me either! And we duked it out in all three realms!”

“You're the bitch!”

“No, you!”

“No, you!”

Eventually Bājiè put an end to their bickering, by grabbing both monkeys' heads and slamming them together. “You're not little kids. Cut it out.”

“Uuugh, you shouldn't have done that!”, groaned the Six-Eared Macaque and rubbed his head. “I'm not made of stone, dammit!”

The pig demon gawked at him. “What! But you're both Spiritual Primates! If you're not made of stone like Eldest Brother, then what are you made of?!”

“Water, ice and vapour”, answered the other immediately.

“How does that work?”

“The same way Sūn Wùkōng being a stone monkey works. I hatched from an ice crystal made from the frost of a mountain, the gale of a blizzard and the vapour and water of a hot spring the wind pushed my egg into. Eventually the hot water made my icy egg crack and I came out. Any more questions?”

“… Nah, I'm good.”

“I have one”, said the three-eyed prick, “Do you have powers that the Great Sage doesn't have and some where the opposite is the case?”

“Oh, sure”, Liù'ěr Míhóu replied. “For example, I don't have his eyes of truth, nor can I create hair clones. He on the other hand doesn't have my plenary hearing, nor does he wield the Samadhi Water.”

“That exists?”, asked one of Èrláng Shén's sworn brothers.

Liù'ěr Míhóu arched an eyebrow. “Of course it does. And I can control it. It's the only type of water that can effectively extinguish the True Samadhi Fire. It also has a few other niffty powers, just like the Samadhi Fire does. There is also the Samadhi Wind, which is wielded by the Yellow Marten currently under custody of the Western Heaven.”

“Good riddance!”, Wùkōng grumbled.

“I know right, that guy fucking sucks! Anyway, those are the three extant Samadhi Elements. There used to be a Samadhi Earth, Metal and Wood too, but their last wielders died millennia ago and their skills have been lost to time. Kinda blows, that my hearing isn't enough to recreate that knowledge, but eh. Now there's nothing that can be done about it. At least we are still here to pass our knowledge on. Isn't that right, Èrláng Shén?”

Wùkōng's eyes widened.

Suddenly a lot of things made sense.

Why the fire had been as destructive as it had been, despite Flowerfruit Mountain's magic. Why so many of his monkeys had died, despite their names being erased from the Book of the Dead. Why he had only been able to restore the beauty of his island via magic.

Wùkōng couldn't help but let out a wail over his dead grandchildren.

He didn't care about the glances of discomfort thrown his way by the others as a result. He would grieve for his subjects, whenever he damn pleased, and if anyone had a problem with that, they could kiss his arse.

.

---

.

1) Èrgē: Second Brother 2) Zhēnjūn: True Monarch 3) according to a Greek legend, King Croesus of Lydia got a similar prophecy from the Delphic Oracle and became his self-fulfilling prophecy, when he was defeated by Persian Great King Cyros the Great.

[pamgkrthwrites]

What if yandere Macaque accidentally had an unavoidable encounter with the one he was interested in? What if they were friendly to him in conversation?

He would be extremely overwhelmed.

He prides himself on hiding and you bump into him while out with your usual friends that he knows have good intentions with you.

You're friendly with him, you give him your full attention while talking to him, you smile at him, complete him, and most importantly you are not disgusted by his looks. Hell, you have a very positive reaction when he does speak back to you.

Very overwhelmed.

His cheeks are flushed, his ears are burning, his heart pounding, and all he can think about is how perfect you are.

You invite him to hang out with you and your friends and he decides to take it. If you get grossed out by him at any point he will leave and go back to just watching you. If not, however, he is going to be convinced to actually try to be in your life. Maybe not romantically yet, but just being able to talk to you will lift his spirits.

He will become that arsehole friend everyone has or will have at least once in their life. That friend who cares about you a lot and so will stand up for you by being a dick.

One time you get drunk and he takes you home, he tales off your make-up for you, he redressed you, he gets water and pain killers ready for you in the morning, and when your asleep he tells your sleeping self he loves you.

If you get a love interest while he is friends with you, your other friends are going to pick up Macaque has feelings for you by how he talks to your partner when you are not in the room, how he talks about them, and how he says you deserve someone better.

If your friends ever call him out on it and ask stuff like "And who do you think they should date, you?" He will answer with "No, never! I am not even close to being worthy to date someone like Y/N! They are the perfect (gender) on this earth." Your friends start feeling really bad for him but also get a weird nice guy vibe.

He will not ask you out, he still thinks he isn't worthy to date someone as perfect as you are, so you would have to spet forwards and do the asking out. It would have to be privately, and he would ask if you're pranking him over and over again. When it sets in, he is over the moon.

He tells you every day you are his universe and he worships you. He does all the chores in the house, makes sure you are always comfortable. He refuses for a long time to not do the deed with you because 1, he doesn't think he is worthy of touching you that way and 2, he fears he could hurt you.

Now, if you ever dump him, I don't think he would kill you. He may kill some rando sure, but not you. He would just accept you realised he was an ugly evil person. His stalking does go up and he is more likely to kill a partner of yours.

[askblueandviolet]

Hey Macaque, have you ever used your shadow abilitys for pranking? Or just jumpscaring people?

MASTER POST

Asks Start 💜🩷

Previous 💜

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[mythologyfolklore]

Liù'ěr Míhóu joins the jttw gang, or: How to redeem an all-hearing celestial monkey with a superiority complex and a seriously bad attitude

Chapter Twenty-seven: Three monks fight a nine-headed fiend

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“So, how do we get these fuckers up here to fight you?”, asked Bājiè, as the three of them, plus their fishy prisoners, were standing at the shore of a big, green lake.

The Six-Eared Macaque smirked evilly. “I have an idea …” and bent to the side to whisper something into the Monkey King's ear. The latter mirrored the smirk, turned his staff into a knife and – without any warning – relieved the two fish demons of their ears and lower lips, before throwing the severed body parts into the water.

Wow.

And then the Eldest menace told the poor buggers: “Now, you go to your lord, tell him that the Great Sage Equal to Heaven Sūn Wùkōng is here, and that he is to return the treasure from the Golden Light Monastery at once, or we will wipe out his entire famliy!”

“And destroy everything he owns”, added the six-eared arsehole.

Bājiè sweatdropped.

Why, oh why did he have to be brothers with a loose cannon and a nutjob?!

.

It wasn't long, until a nine-headed demon emerged from the water.

“WHO IS THAT GREAT SAGE! COME HERE AND DIE!”, the demon yelled and the three monks collectively rolled their eyes at the all too familiar threat.

Sūn Wùkōng stepped forward: “I'm the Great Sage and you couldn't kill me, if you tried.”

After exchanging the customary credentials, the two bantered for about two seconds, before Wùkōng lost his patience.

“I DON'T SERVE THE KING! I OWE HIM NO FAVOURS! HE DOESN'T EMPLOY ME! BUT YOU DIDN'T JUST STEAL THE TREASURE FROM THE MONASTERY AND DEFILE THE PAGODA, THE PRIESTS THERE SUFFERED BECAUSE OF YOU!” Then, going back to his normal voice for some reason: “So, it goes without saying that, since we're Buddhist monks ourselves, we just have to get justice for our brothers.”

Liù'ěr Míhóu and Zhū Bājiè nodded dutifully.

Exchanging a quick glance, the white monkey noticed that the pig demon was itching for battle. Well, for once they were sharing the same sentiment.

The nine-headed demon replied to Sūn Wùkōng: “Well, in that case, since you're apparently itching for battle, we better get to it quickly, so I can kill you quickly and get back to having lunch with my father-in-law.”

Sūn Wùkōng's eye twitched. “Okay, now I just have to destroy you. Eat my staff, you son of a bitch!”

And promptly charged at the dickhead, followed by Liù'ěr Míhóu with his twin swords and Zhū Bājiè with his nine-toothed rake.

They proceeded to duke it out for thirty rounds, completely with relentless taunting and everything. Wùkōng had to hand it to the guy, he was pretty good, considering he was fighting three immensely powerful opponents at once.

Eventually, however, the nine-headed demon seemed to realise, that he couldn't hold off three opponents at once, so he somersaulted away from them and changed into his original form. And wasn't it the strangest, yet most disgusting thing the three disciples had ever seen!

It was a nine-headed centipede, more than 12ft long, with two colourful wings and hook-like feet. And it was hairy for some reason.

“Ewww, what the fuck is that?!”, cried Bājiè.

“I don't know! This is gonna haunt me in my nightmares!”, complained the Six-Eared Macaque.

“I don't know either, but let's kill it!”, cried Wùkōng.

And with that, he charged at the thing once again, going for the head.

The nine-headed demon dodged the attack, quicker than a gust of wind and suddenly disappeared.

Huh? Where'd that creep go?

Suddenly Liù'ěr Míhóu shouted: BĀJIÈ, WATCH OUT! BELOW YOU!”

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the nine-headed demon reemerged from the water (wait, was that where he had disappeared to?) and grabbed Bājiè by the foot with one of his nine mouths.

“BĀJIÈ!”, screamed the Monkey King.

“FUCK!”, yelled Bājiè, before he was dragged underwater.

And then he was gone.

The lake stood still, as if there hadn't just been a ferocious battle, and there was no sound other than the howling wind.

For a few minutes, the two monkeys hovered above the water in shock.

Eventually, the Monkey King groaned: “Fuck! We have to tell our master, but if we go back to court unsuccessfully, they're going to laugh at us!”

“I'll get Bājiè back”, said the Six-Eared Macaque. “Unlike you I can fight underwater.”

“That's because you're not made of stone!”, grumbled Wùkōng, “But be careful, that freak is a really formidable foe! If they catch you somehow-”

“I can literally turn into water! Hells, I was born from water, vapour and ice!”

“How the fuck does that even work?!”

“I'll explain later! Fact is, they can't catch me for shit!”

With that, Liù'ěr Míhóu, transformed into an eel and dove into the water.

.

It wasn't hard to find his way to the underwater palace, where the nine-headed demon lived with his in-laws, not with how loud they were partying it up after catching Bājiè. Tse.

As Liù'ěr Míhóu passed by one of the windows, he could see the local Dragon King drinking and laughing with his nine-headed son-in-law and some other family members. Swimming to another part of the castle, he spied a few crab and shrimp demons, chatting and playing around.

Just as he was about to inquire about Bājiè's whereabouts, he could hear the pig demon whine and complain, as he was want to do.

Question answered.

The Six-Eared Macaque sighed, slipped past the frolicking group and found his elder brother in a narrow hallway.

Bājiè tensed up, as an eel started to circle around him and the pillar he was tied to.

“Psst!”, Liù'ěr Míhóu whispered. “Third Brother! It's me! Be quiet!”

Bājiè relaxed and sighed in relief. “Youngest Brother!”, he whispered back. “Please get me outta here!”

“Yeah, yeah, just wait a moment”, muttered the monkey. After making sure that no one was around, he turned back into himself, summoned his two ice blades out of water and cut the ropes binding the other.

“The ropes inhibited my own shapeshifting abilities, that's why I couldn't free myself”, explained Bājiè. “And sorry I got myself caught instead.”

Liù'ěr Míhóu shrugged: “Don't worry about it. You did pretty well in that fight, until that ugly fucker cowardly attacked from under the water.”

“Thanks, I guess. So, what will we do now? He took my weapon away!”

“Do you know where to?”

“Probably the main hall for display, but I'm not completely sure”, said Bājiè.

Liù'ěr Míhóu nodded: “Right. You transform yourself into something else, hide away under the towered gateway and wait, until I get your weapon back. Oh, you do know how to sword fight, right?”

Bājiè looked confused. “Of course I do! I used to be the Celestial Canopy Marshal, remember? Why are you asking?”

In lieu of an answer, the Macaque handed the astonished pig demon his ice swords, turned into a sentient stream water and flowed towards the main hall, like an invisible eel.

The soul-shattering rake was quickly found and stolen back, and the Macaque returned to the towered gateway, where Bājiè was waiting – holding two very bloody swords and surrounded by the bodies of aquatic demons, who had been decapitated, before they could report his escape.

“Oooh, brutal! No mercy, eh?”, teased the white monkey, as he returned the rake.

“Obviously”, deadpanned the pig and gave his younger brother his swords back. “Alright, I have a plan. You go back up to Eldest Brother and I'll raise some hell here. If I win, I'll catch all those fuckers. If I lose, I'll come running back to you.”

Normally, the macaque would have been cranky at being sent away from the fight.

But he could see where this was going, so he just shrugged and said: “Okay. Run wild and wreak havoc, man.”

As he swam back to the surface, he could hear Bājiè's battle cries and the terrified screams of the lesser demons, as a very pissed off boar demon decimated them and destroyed everything within reach.

Yeesh, and he calls me a bloodthirsty psycho! Which I am, but that's beside the point!

.

Above the surface, Sūn Wùkōng was waiting anxiously for his brothers to return.

Logically, he knew that they could handle their own underwater much better than he could, but-

Before he could even finish that thought, the Six-Eared Macaque leapt out of the water like a dolphin – alone.

“Where is Bājiè???”

“He's fiiine, just a little absolutely livid. Currently wreaking havoc in the palace in retaliation for his capture. Oh wow, he's really taking the main hall apart! Aw, that sounded like a jade vase! The dragon family is hiding – oh, nevermind, I hear the nine-headed freak talking to him … now they're duking it out … aaand there come the old dragon and his son and grandson … ah, Bājiè's coming back!”

Just a moment later Bājiè indeed came leaping out of the water, leaping across the waves in the way only immortals could.

Wùkōng readied his staff, Six-Ears his twin blades and Bājiè joined them, looking glad he was safe (Wùkōng was secretly also glad, but of course he wouldn't say that).

And then a very large dragon emerged, followed by two smaller dragons and the nine-headed fiend.

Wùkōng didn't hesitate for a second, leapt into the air with his staff raised, yelled “GOTCHA, BITCH!”, and bashed the old dragon's head in.

The two younger dragons fled back down, while the nine-headed demon retrieved his father-in-law's corpse, before following them.

The three monks didn't chase after them.

Instead, they sat on the shore and debated on what to do now.

“So, what now? It was the old dragon, that chased me out, after I destroyed half the palace. But now that you've killed him, they'll probably mourn him and hold his funeral and won't come back up anytime soon. And it's getting late”, Bājiè pointed out.

“You're literally the only one, who gives a shit about the time”, retorted Wùkōng. “It's better to seize the opportunity now, attack them, retrieve the treasure and go back to the court. You go back down there, lure them back to the surface and-”

“Uhhh, guys? We're getting company!”

The Monkey King and the pig demon turned to look towards the direction the Six-Eared Macaque was pointing at.

Approaching fast from the Eastern horizon was a large black fog, carried forward by a violent gale.

As Wùkōng squinted, he recognised seven people riding atop the black cloud, accompanied by hawks and hunting dogs, pulling their prey after them. And at the front of them was …

“Oh no!”, he groaned in despair. “Not him!”

Bājiè followed his glance. “What is he even doing here?!”

The Macaque seemed confused. “Who is that?”

Wùkōng massaged his temples and grumbled: “It's the guy, who kicked my arse almost six-hundred years ago, burned down my kingdom and killed thousands of my babies! And his six brothers from Plum Mountain!”

“Ohh. That's awkward.”

“Yeah. Can you believe I'm sworn brothers with these guys?!”

Bājiè stared at him in understandable disbelief. “No.”

Liù'ěr Míhóu arched an eyebrow. “If I hadn't heard you swear brotherhood with those guys, I wouldn't believe it either.”

The pig demon gawked: “What?! How?! When?! Why?! You only met once and that was in battle!”

Wùkōng chuckled awkwardly: “Yeahhh, I'll explain another time. Either way, I'm still embarrassed about my defeat and upset about the destruction of my home, so … who wants to go up to them and ask them to help us defeat the arseholes down there?”

“I can go!”, volunteered the other monkey, but Wùkōng was suddenly seized by panic. “No! You stay here with me! What if they shoot you on sight?!”

Bājiè sighed: “Calm down, Eldest Brother. They obviously just had a successful hunt. I don't think they're in the mood to attack unknown demons on sight.”

“Third Brother!”

“I know, I know. But if it makes you feel better, then I will go and ask them to stay for a bit. Can't promise success though, Èrláng knows me and doesn't like me either.”

“Huh? What did-”

Bājiè leapt onto a cloud and soared to the summit of the mountain, before Wùkōng had a chance to finish his question.

From down here, he could see his younger brother hold the group of seven up and have a short conversation with them.

Liù'ěr Míhóu tapped Wùkōng's shoulder. “You okay?”

“No”, admitted Wùkōng. “The fact, that I'm about to ask him for help and exchange courtesies with him …”

“Our current mission has priority. You can sort out your grievances with him some other time, but now you gotta grit your teeth and suck it up”, said the Six-Eared Macaque. “I know I suck arse at pep talk, but that's how it is. You can do it though, I believe in you. Chin up, Monkey King.”

“That's Handsome Monkey King to you.”

“Keep dreaming. I'm the handsome one.”

Wùkōng gasped and clutched his chest in betrayal.

Bājiè prevented a budding argument by returning with Èrláng's six brothers in tow – Kāng, Zhāng, Yáo, Zhí, Lĭ and Guō; if Wùkōng remembered their names correctly – who informed Wùkōng, that their brother asked to speak with him.

The Monkey King followed the other macaque's advice, grit his teeth and flew up to meet his former adversary.

[mythologyfolklore]

Liù'ěr Míhóu joins the jttw gang, or: How to redeem an all-hearing celestial monkey with a superiority complex and a seriously bad attitude

Chapter Twenty-One: Bājiè's very bad evening

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“What took you so long?”, Bājiè received their Youngest Brother, when he returned from an errand.

The six-eared arsehole shrugged. “I promised my new Jiějiě, that I would return her fan, when I was done. So I did, her husband and son were there, I got into a squabble with Hóng Hái'Er-”

“Fucking Hóng Hái'Er”, the pig demon growled.

The youngest menace gave him an unimpressed look. “I don't like him either, but if you fall for the oldest tricks in the scroll, that's your fault, hogface.”

Bājiè narrowed his eyes. “Are you implying that I'm stupid, nutcase?”

Said nutcase gave him a condescending smile and cooed: “Ah, but Elder Brother! I would never imply, that you're stupid!”

“Yeah, that's what I thought-”

“I would say it flat out!”

The pig demon's jaw dropped.

The other bastard macaque started cackling in the background.

Then he scowled and stomped off angrily.

“Fucking dumb Spiritual Primates”, he grumbled to himself. Only to let out a startled squeal, when something small and sharp missed his left ear by a hair's width and buried itself in the trunk of the tree next to him.

“I heard that, Piglet.”

Fortunately for Bājiè, their master stepped in, before the situation could escalate.

After a stern lecture from the monk, the white macaque huffed and skittered over to Shā Wùjìng to help him set up camp.

By that point the other monkey menace also had stopped laughing and was now pampering Bái Lóng Mă.

Tripitaka came up to his third disciple and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Wùnéng, why don't you start making some dinner with what Wùhuàn has brought along?”, he suggested.

Bājiè pouted, but obliged.

.

---

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Wùhuàn & Bājiè: *glaring angrily at each other* Tripitaka: *playing "Why can't we be friends" on a biwa in the background*