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agerefandom · 4 years

Text

Restrained

Fandom: Death Note

Words: 4,150

Characters: Regressor!Light Yagami, Caregiver!L/Ryuzaki. Brief appearances from Soichiro Yagami, Shuichi Aizawa, and Watari.

Summary: Set during Light and Misa’s imprisonment (episode 16-17). Classification/Regressors Are Known AU: Light was classified as a regressor when he was fifteen, but has fought the identity ever since. L is classified as a caregiver, but has never used those skills further than calming people in interrogation situations. Things come to a head in the second month of Light’s imprisonment.

Warnings: Imprisonment, irresponsible use of restraints, mentions of death and murder, nightmares, panic attacks, involuntary regression, hidden regression being revealed non-consensually. Ominous ending.

Author’s Notes: I usually take issue with Classification AUs, because regression is a coping mechanism and not a fixed part of someone’s identity. Regression can change, and regressors can also be caregivers, and the idea that it could be ‘classified’ as part of someone’s political identity is kind of distressing. All of that said, it’s also a very comforting trope: it’s nice to imagine that you were ‘meant to be’ a regressor, naturally given that role, and that there are natural caregivers who want/need to take care of you. So, there are pros and cons to this kind of universe, as long as you remember that it’s an AU for a reason! Anyways, that’s my soapboxing done. Please note the warnings before reading!

Light was not a regressor.

It didn’t matter what the letter he received at age fifteen said. Didn’t matter that his age range was listed as ‘2-3’ and a permanent caregiver was recommended. Light Yagami was a neutral, collected, and precocious teenager. He was mature for his age, and always had been.

Admittedly, Light occasionally sucked his thumb to help him sleep. And he convinced his mother to buy him more expensive sheets because he liked to run his hands across the texture. And maybe he cast side-glances at the adult playgrounds all around the city, at the regressors who were happily running and playing on the swings.

But Light Yagami was not a regressor. He got top marks. He wore stiff, professional clothes. He didn’t cry, not even when he stubbed his toe. He turned his nose up at sweet drinks and packaged candy. In short, at seventeen, Light was a model young man.

Which was when the notebook fell outside his classroom window, and everything got a lot more complicated.

Could a regressor do this? Collectively bring the world to its knees, the news outlets humming with one story? Could a regressor kill hundreds, save the general population from the evil in its midst?

Light Yagami was Kira, and Kira was not an age regressor.

Light Yagami was not Kira.

Light was trapped in a cell, his arms shackled behind his back, and he was absolutely certain that he wasn’t Kira. What kind of idea was that, marching in and saying he thought he was subconsciously Kira? Absurd. He wouldn’t do that kind of thing.

He yelled at the ceiling, pleaded with Ryuzaki, and received cold answers in return.

How had Light sat here for a week, believing that Ryuzaki had been right to lock him away? It was absurd: he couldn’t have committed the murders without knowing at all, it just didn’t make sense.

“You told me to keep you in there, no matter what you said,” Ryuzaki repeated calmly, his voice crackling through the cheap speakers outside of Light’s cell. “I’m only doing what you told me.”

“Well, stop!” Light shouted, tugging uselessly against the leather cuffs that held his arms behind him. His shoulders ached from the position. “Listen to me now, I’m not Kira!”

“We don’t know that,” Ryuzaki said. “Until we can be sure, you will stay in that cell. I’m sorry, Light.”

Light felt tears well up in his eyes, and he jerked his head down to hide it. With his bangs hiding his expression, he tried to wrestle himself under control.

He felt scared and helpless and he just didn’t understand what he was doing here. Let me out! a voice was screaming inside him, younger and just as frightened as he was. Please, I can’t take it anymore!

What was he thinking? He was Light Yagami, part of the taskforce dedicated to catching Kira. He could withstand this. He would have to.

He didn’t bother to hide the tears as he raised his eyes again to the camera.

“Fine. I’ll stay. But you’ll see that I’m not Kira! I don’t know what’s happening, but I believe that my innocence will be proven one way or another.”

“That’s exactly what Kira would say,” Ryuzaki drawled into the microphone, and then there was a short sound of feedback as the conversation cut off.

Light rocked back to lean against the side of the bed, feeling exhausted but satisfied. He’d made his statement, and he had fought off the despair. He was Light Yagami, and he would deal with this imprisonment with all the dignity he could.

This was awful.

Light had never been so bored and anxious in his life. The days stretched on, with only Ryuzaki’s occasional check-ins to keep his mind busy. Out of lack for other things to do, Light started sleeping more than usual. His days were hazy, short bathroom trips out of the cell and the clatter of the food tray his only reference points for time. The lights shut off for seven hours every night, the cameras equipped with night vision to watch him toss and turn in his restraints.

There was nothing to do but ruminate, worry, wonder. Light tried to run through lectures in his head, even tried his hand at mentally writing a story. He wondered if he could convince Ryuzaki to play chess with him over the speaker system, but found himself worrying about whether that would make it seem like he wasn’t taking his imprisonment seriously.

It had been a month, and Light was suffering.

The nights were hardest. In the dark, Light cried, trying to stay quiet. He couldn’t bite his thumb, he couldn’t feel his soft blankets, and sometimes he couldn’t sleep for the tug of the restrains at his wrists and shoulders. He wanted to kick his legs, flail around, scream at the top of his lungs until they let him out. But he was Light Yagami, and he had dignity. Even with cameras fixed on him twenty-four hours a day, even with his wrists and ankles contained, even under the constant scrutiny of Ryuzaki and the other members of the task force.

He almost made it to the end.

Things that Light didn’t know:

-it had been a month since Kira had begun killing again -his father was in a matching jail cell, several blocks away -the task force had been pressuring L for weeks to let Light and Misa go, convinced by the new wave of murders that the two were innocent -L had a plan, and was simply waiting to contact Light’s father to play his part

(Light would never know most of these things, because before they became relevant, everything fell apart.)

L sat in the same place he’d been sitting for weeks, watching the same scenes play out on the same flickering screens. Misa sagged against her restraints, Light laid curled up on the bed, and Soichiro sat in his chair, staring down at his hands.

Nothing had changed, but everything was different.

Light and Misa were Kira, or at least they had been. L had never been more certain. Now they both seemed utterly convinced of their innocence, and L wasn’t comfortable with the implications of that. Were they truly ignorant of their role? Had their ability to kill been passed onto someone else, or had the two of them been unwitting puppets to some new and yet-unseen player?

Misa took a struggling breath, and went limp again. Light shifted. Soichiro got up and began to pace. His cell would fit eight of his steps before he had to turn around and begin again in the other direction.

L missed nothing. But the pieces weren’t coming together.

He tapped his fingers against his knees, a syncopated rhythm as his eyes flashed from one prisoner to the next. Watari had brought him a plate of fruit, not yet touched, with icing sugar sprinkled over them. They would make L’s fingers sticky, and he didn’t want to get juice on the controls. He would have to eat with one hand, and operate the microphones with his other. He was just about due his check-in with Misa-Misa.

Just as L began to reach for the berries, a movement on-screen caught his eye. He didn’t currently have the audio on for the cells, but from the visual, he would guess that Light just woke up screaming. L has had a few of those nightmares. They weren’t pleasant.

L switched the audio on, and listened to Light trying to calm himself down. He was talking out loud, a mutter only loud enough for the microphones inside his cell to pick up on. (Light always yelled to the camera when he was talking to L, as if he weren’t aware that the cell was bugged well enough to hear every last breath he took. They could take no risks with Kira, when they still didn’t know how he was committing the crimes.)

“I’m okay,” Light was muttering. “Don’t… don’t do this. I don’t need anything. I’m okay.” His breathing caught, paused, and then resumed. “I’m okay. Please, please- don’t.” His voice was trembling, and L leaned closer. He’d seen Light crying, of course, trying to hide it by turning away from the cameras. But this seemed… different. Light was on the edge of something, and if L was lucky, it might be some kind of confession, fuelled by a terrible dream that brought all of his crimes rushing back with the sudden weight of guilt that Kira never felt.

Yes, L had enough self-reflection to know that he was kidding himself. But it had been a long month and a half.

He remained crouching, one hand poised above the plate of strawberries and the other hand hovering above the microphone that would let him speak to Light. And he listened.

“I don’t wan’ do this,” Light whispered to himself, his words slurring together in a way that L had never heard from the other man. The distressed voice hooked its claws into his chest in a way that was both foreign and familiar. Was this… “I don’ wan’ do this,” Light repeated, and then burst into tears.

It wasn’t anything like the quiet, hidden tears of the night-time. Light was sobbing, pulling at his restraints, tossing on the bed. Unable to wipe them away, tears and snot made a mess of his face. L watched as the teenager struggled to his knees and pressed himself against the wall, as if he were trying to get some kind of comfort from the pressure. The tears wouldn’t stop, even as words started making their way through the sobs.

“Lemme out, I wan’ out, I can’t, I can’t. It’s too dark, I can’t. Please, I’m too… I can’t feel my hands!” Light wailed, collapsing in on himself, his shoulders straining against the cuffs.

L was dimly aware that his hands had dropped to his sides. He knew he was staring. He knew that Aizawa had come running to stand behind him, alerted by the cries coming through the speakers. His ears were ringing, and he could feel Light’s sobs in his own chest.

The truth was unavoidable: Light Yagami was a regressor, and L had not known.

How was that possible?

Light was registered as age-natural on his official documents. L had watched him for weeks, and he had shown no signs of regression, not at home when he was unaware of being observed, and not here in the prison cell. Until now.

This was a harsh involuntary regression, from the looks of it, and the part of L that had made them stamp ‘caregiver’ on his own documents was aching.

“Oh my god. Is Light a regressor?” Aizawa said behind him. “That looks like regression, right?”

“It isn’t on his file,” L said, pleased that his voice sounded even. He hadn’t been around a regressor in distress for a few years, and he’d forgotten how much it made his chest hurt. Knowing that he’d been the one to put Light in that situation made it worse. Rationally, he knew that Light being a regressor meant nothing to the investigation. In fact, it made L even more certain that he was Kira. To conceal his headspace that thoroughly, even under investigation, made it clear that Light was no ordinary teenager. That must have taken an immense amount of willpower and planning.

“You have to let him out,” Aizawa said. “You can’t hold a regressor in a place like that, and his innocence has already been proven.” Light was still sobbing, his harsh breaths providing an undercurrent to their conversation. “Ryuzaki, you can’t possibly let that continue.”

“I… think he knew this might happen,” L realized. “This is what he meant when he asked me not to let him out, whatever happened. He knew that he would regress under the pressure.”

“All the more reason to release him! He still doesn’t know that Kira is killing again, it’s not fair. You’ve put him under way too much stress. Let me talk to him.” Aizawa reached for the microphone, and L struck his hand away.

“No. The last thing he needs is more sensory input from the speaker system.” Aizawa recoiled from the physical interception, eyes wide. “And you could jeopardize the investigation,” L added, slightly belated.

“You can’t do this. I’ll call the rest of the team,” Aizawa threatened, reaching into his pocket.

“There’s no need for that,” L sighed. He knew that the rest of the team would agree with Aizawa. The legal system was more lenient for regressors, and keeping them in solitary confinement was widely considered cruel. “I’ll go myself.”

Just because Light couldn’t be held in the cell anymore didn’t mean that L was prepared to let him go without twenty-four-hour supervision. Luckily, he had a set of unusually long handcuffs that he’d already been prepared to use after Light’s release. He could just speed that process along… and tell Watari to order some more regressor-friendly accessories for their room, of course. Maybe pad the cuff that Light would wear, so he didn’t accidentally hurt himself.

L shook his head, pushing his chair back from the table with a sigh. His caregiver mind was getting in the way again. Light was Kira, regressor or no. He wasn’t keeping Light close so that he could take care of him, but so that he was unable to hurt anyone else.

“We’ll discuss Misa’s release when I return,” L added over his shoulder as he headed for the door, reaching into his pocket to call Watari with the car. Light’s prison was a short drive from the base, and the sooner L got there, the better.

Sure enough, the drive was agony.

L stared out the window, the seatbelt Watari had forced him to wear digging into his chest and disrupting his thoughts. He was trying to make plans, trying to think back to all of his interactions with Light and wonder if he should have known. Was that why Light had always sharply refused any kind of sweet drink, even something as simple as fruit juice? Was he afraid that he might slip into regression? Was that why he had been crying at night, quietly regressing just enough for his childish fears to come to the surface? How confused was he, how disoriented in the cell? He seemed to know he was trapped, but did he remember what he was accused of?

L barely noticed when the car came to a stop, but when Watari opened his door for him, it took genuine effort not to go running into the building. Instead, L moved even slower than he usually would. Each gesture would be planned. Each word intentional. Just because Light was a regressor, it didn’t mean he wasn’t dangerous. L had to be on his guard, even more because of his natural caregiver instincts.

He made his way down the cold concrete stairwell, Watari a few paces behind him. Hands tucked in his pockets, breathing slow and natural. No worries about what he might have missed in the two minutes he’d been away from the screens. Had Light hurt himself? Was he safe? Was he still crying? L should have brought water, he’s sure to be dehydrated-

They stepped onto the cell block, and L had a brief conversation with one of the guards to obtain the keys. He’d already texted ahead, and they knew to expect him.

Watari stayed behind, just within earshot as L padded down the line of empty cells to the one that held Light.

It was strange to see the cell in person. For the first time, L could see the camera that Light had shouted at so often. He could see the details of the walls more clearly here, the chipped tile of the bathroom corner and the scratches in the concrete that didn’t come through on the long-distance video feed.

And there was Light, curled into a ball on the bed with his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms still tied behind him, much in the same position that he had been napping in before his nightmare.

L had approached soundlessly, and Light’s eyes were closed. He didn’t open them until L put the key into the lock and turned it.

“N—no, I don’t-” Light stuttered, and then looked up. “Ryuzaki? Ryuzaki!” He tried to get up, but the cuffs on his ankles made him stumble and fall. L heard his knees hit the concrete with a harsh crack, and Light teared up again. “No, no, don’t come in. M’sorry, don’t come in.”

“I’ll let you out of the cuffs,” L told him, his hand on the door but waiting to open it.

“No, I don’t want it,” Light managed. “Just… go.”

“Light, how old are you?” L pressed.

Light made a sound that resembled a squeak, and very slowly raised his eyes to L’s.

“How old are you right now?” L asked again. He watched Light’s expression twist from surprise to embarrassment to conflict, then Light started crying again.

“I don’t wanna be,” Light sobbed. “I don’ wan’ it.”

And there went L’s chest again, twisting and aching with the sound of a regressor in distress. He regulated his voice, unwilling to let it sound too caring. It came out flat instead.

“There’s no shame in regressing, Light. Two percent of the population isn’t an insignificant number. You’ll be more comfortable with your arms free.” Light shook his head, tears flying with the gesture.

“No! Don’t come in!”

“How old are you, Light? You’re young, I can tell that much. Probably in the toddler range, if I had to guess.” From Light’s glare through the tears, L had hit the nail on the head. “I thought so. Stop fighting me. I was going to let you out soon anyways.” Well, L hadn’t been meant to say that. But he could probably use that to his advantage.

“But… but you think I’m Kira,” Light mumbled. Interesting: he did have his full memories, then. Very little disorientation for such a young age range.

“I do,” L admitted. “But the taskforce doesn’t. They want you back on the team.”

“Me?” Light blinked up at him, and his eyes were even wider than usual, framed with perfect dark lashes, and L was in agony being separated by bars. This regressor was going to be the death of him. “But… I thought the bad things stopped ‘cause I was here.”

L was fascinated by the limits of Light’s mental reasoning while he was regressed. He would have to do some experimentation at a later time, but for now…

“I lied. Kira has been active for almost a month. I wasn’t convinced it meant you were innocent, but it makes a good case.” L watched that news hit home, but in a very different way than it would have hit an adult Light.

“You lied? Why? I thought… I thought I was bad, maybe, but you were lying!” Light tried to wipe his tears on his shoulder, only partially succeeding. “I don’ wanna know why. Probably a good reason, ‘cause you’re L and you do all the good things.”

Hmm. It seemed that Light’s certainty that he wasn’t Kira didn’t extend to his regressed self. Perhaps he was speaking more candidly in this headspace.

“I’m not fond of unnecessary cruelty,” L sighed, hooking one hand through the bars. “If I had known, Light-”

“You never woulda had me on the task force,” Light said, quite viciously. “Never ever.”

“That’s not true.” L traced one thumb against his lips. “I’ve known regressors who are exceedingly intelligent. Everything would have proceeded the same.”

“Even though I’m three?” Light asked, and L fought the urge to smile. Information, at last. Three. He stored that away.

“Even though you’re three,” L confirmed. “Your input is valuable to me. In fact, I would like to invite you back to the taskforce after you’ve recovered from this imprisonment.”

“Yes!” Light shuffled forwards on his knees, wincing at the movement. He probably bruised them earlier when he fell. “Yes, please! I wanna help catch Kira! And all the bad guys!” His eyes were shining with excitement and the tears from earlier. Looking down at him, L’s mind caught in a loop.

Light Yagami was Kira, but this… this was not Kira. What that meant about Light, or Kira, or the nature of Light’s regression, L couldn’t say, but he was certain of one thing.

“Can I come in now?” L asked.

Light visibly hesitated, then sank back onto his heels and nodded.

“Thank you.” L left the keys in the lock as he swung open the door and entered, making his way to Light briskly. It was easy enough to get the cuffs off his wrists, and Light whined when his hands were free, struggling to move his shoulders back into a natural position. “Give it time,” L advised, pressing at his spine with experienced fingers. Massages were one of his lesser-used skills, but easy to pick up with his wide knowledge of the human body. “They’ll hurt less in a few minutes.”

He wasn’t expecting Light to shift forward and wrap his arms around him, but that was exactly what happened.

L froze, his hands raised in the air as if in surrender. He’d comforted regressors before, at crime scenes and over interrogation tables. A few of the children at the orphanage were regressors, and he interacted with them when he visited. But none of them had dove into a hug like this. L was a detective, a mentor, a little too strange and intense to be approachable. Now there were arms wrapped around him, holding him tightly, and L didn’t know what to do.

Falteringly, L returned the embrace, the tips of his fingers resting lightly on his own forearms. Light had lost weight over the last month, and his body felt almost frail against L.

“Had a nightmare,” Light whispered.

L wondered if Aizawa was listening, back at the base. He wondered if Watari had wandered closer, after hearing the cell door open. He wondered what kind of things Kira dreamed about.

“Do you want to talk about it?” L asked, and didn’t lean back from the embrace.

“It was bad,” Light said. “I was running, and there were hands, and a fence, an’ there were… bodies. On the fence. And they were… they were…” L could feel Light shaking, and he held the regressor just a little bit closer.

“Just a dream,” L said. He wondered how much blood was on Light’s hands, how much of it he remembered. “You’re safe now. It was just a dream.” L held Light in his arms, the ache in his chest finally fading as he looked down at him. There, the regressor was safe, and L could finally relax. Light’s breathing slowly evening out, his grasp on L’s shirt finally loosening. “You’re safe.”

Light blinked up at L sleepily, and then his eyes slid closed. A natural reaction to stress, and having a caregiver close by. Even if L hadn’t disclosed his classification, his actions combined with Light’s instincts had likely made it clear. L cradled Light in his arms, like a puzzle piece fitting into place, and watched him fall asleep. He would have no more nightmares with a caregiver so close by, and even if he did, L would be there to calm him down.

L knew that this was trouble. Light was Kira, and Kira was death. L’s instincts as a caregiver could only blind him further as he continued in the investigation. If he were being rational, he would attach Light to someone else for the rest of his surveillance period. Prevent the caregiver/regressor bond that had been formed between them from strengthening into something difficult to break.

But L didn’t like being rational. He followed his instincts, and they were always right.

Right now, his instincts told him two things.

I will not let go of Light Yagami.

This will be the death of me.

#death note agere #fandom agere #agere writing #agere fanfiction #agere stories #my writing #death note

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mhdiaries · 4 years

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Wave 4 Journal of Jackson Jekyll

On September 9...

So it turns out I’m a monster. Well part-time monster actually, which leaves me pretty much full-time confused. It’s not like I didn’t know that mom and dad were both monsters. The first time I saw mom’s Hyde side come out was when I was 5 and we were visiting my dad’s side of the family. Some of the little neighborhood monsters decided that they were going to play “kick the can” only they were going to use me as the can. Every time I tried to run home they blocked my way and pushed me down. I started crying and then they really started making fun of me. Then all of a sudden I heard this roar and there was my mom. Even though it didn’t look like her I knew it was and honestly all I could think was, “Why mother, what big muscles you have.” Needless to say I never had any problem with the local monsters again. Dad’s a fire elemental of course and I grew up playing with Heath so I was never afraid of monsters. I just didn’t think any monster heritage had passed on to me. When I asked mom and dad if they knew me and Holt were the same person they said, “Of course we knew you and Holt were the same person - we’re your parents; now finish your breakfast or you’ll be late for school.” Well thanks for clearing that up for me mom and dad. Cause you know it’s not like having that little bit of information would have been helpful at all. Good thing I’m past those awkward teenage years where news like this could really have a negative impact on my psyche. (Ooh - sarcasm. I like it) HH

On September 12...

I had to go to the mad scientist, I mean mad pediatrician, today. Mom says that until I’m an adult I need to continue seeing him because he has the most experience dealing with growing monsters. I feel fine but mom and dad are worried because what triggers my transformation to Holt has changed. It used to happen when the sun went down but now it seems to be loud music, I think. The waiting room was almost empty except for a mother werewolf and two young cubs. While mom filled out paperwork I sat down and tried to find something to read that wasn’t chewed, gooed or covered in monster germs. Then I heard one of the werewolf cubs say, “Mommy! Is that a normie?” “Yes honey, don’t stare.” “Is he going to eat us?” I could tell that she was embarrassed so I said, “No way - I’m totally allergic to werewolf it makes me sneeze - ACHOO!” The cubs eyes got really wide and then she started laughing, “Aw that’s not true.” Then she held up her foot and said, “I can tie my shoe!” I said, “That’s amazing, can you show me how?” The werewolf mom relaxed too and it turns out she’s related to Clawd’s family. Pretty soon a lab assistant appeared, “Jackson Jekyll?” She led us back to a room and said, “The doctor will be with you shortly.” Then, “The wait.” Which means sitting on the crinkly paper covered exam table forever and wondering what would happen if I started playing with the instruments in the exam room and the doctor walked in. Anyway just about the time I woke up enough boredom and courage to start picking up some of the cooler looking instruments laying on the counter I hear the mad pediatrician pulling my chart and the door opens. He’s wearing a lab coat with purple vampire ducks and his stethoscope cover is a fuzzy yellow dragonhead. I’m sure it calms the younger monsters but it scares the normie out of me that the volatile nature of my elemental side + my hyde heritage + being a teenager = constant change. He said that the trigger would probably change again before I reach adulthood. Then he gave me a lollypop, scheduled me for another test and said he wanted to see me again in three months. Now I’m worried about what the trigger is going to change to next. What if it’s showers? Would it be worth giving them up for the rest of high school just so I can have my own life? (Not unless you want your new nickname to be “Stinky”) HH

On September 21...

It seems like I spent the first part of my life wishing I was a monster and now that I am maybe now I wish I wasn’t. (Well you’re stuck with it now.) HH When I was spending all that time trying to get Draculaura to bit me so I could become a vampire I never really thought about anything except wanting to fit in with all the other monsters. Now the part of me that fits in doesn’t even get to enjoy it.(Whine much?) HH It’s like the worst of both worlds and now I don’t fit in anywhere at all. We’re all supposed to meet with Mr. D’eath, the school guidance counselor, this week. Wonder if I’ll need to make two appointments (Lame - I already know what I’m going to be... FAMOUS!) HH

On September 23...

So I had my appointment with Mr. D’eath today it started out about as terrible as I thought it was going to be. Turns out he’d never counseled a “normie” and it seemed like he didn’t know exactly what to say. In fact, he mostly just spent a lot of time squeezing one of those stress balls made to look like a cartoon character with eyes that bugged out when you squeezed it. It was pretty distracting especially when I realized it was a cartoon “normie”. The squeezing wasn’t nearly as distracting as his “throat clearing” which kind of sounded like a hand full of marbles being run through a garbage disposal. I kept trying to figure out how he made that noise because he doesn’t really even have a throat since as far as I can tell he’s pure skeleton. He must have flipped through my permanent record ten times before he finally said: So you see Hackson... I mean Jackson, the career opportunities for normies in the monster world are somewhat er... um... (sound of marbles being run through the disposal again) limited. There’s monster hunter, monster hunter’s assistant, mad scientist, ooh hunchback! You don’t happen to have a hump do you? No? Bad luck there then. Ah hah! How about Monster/Normie Relations Expert? (Figured it’d be something where the wardrobe is even less cool than what you wear now) HH Well that was something I certainly knew a little something about. I had an old coach in the normie world that used to always say, “Play to your strengths Jackson, play to your strengths.” So Mr. D’eath loaded me down with college brochures and rushed me out of his office. I think both of us were glad it was over.

On October 8...

Finally took that test my mad pediatrician set up for me. It turned out to be a test to determine the type and volume of music that brings out Holt. So I sat in a soundproof booth wearing headphones while a technician played music at different volumes and with different time signatures. I made it through waltzes, marches, polka and chamber music but I don’t remember what he played next. (That’s when he started playing the good stuff.) HH Anyway the results of the test isolated the trigger; music with a 4/4 time signature played in excess of 90 decibels. You know what’s good about this? Me neither.

On November 2...

It seems now that every monster knows Holt and me are the “same” person/monster I don’t get hassled as much for being a “normie”. Not that it makes any difference to Manny Taur since he pretty much wants to bully down on any creature who’s smaller than he is. When he first started picking on me I stood up to him cause once a bully knows he can push you around he’ll never stop, but Deuce finally took me aside and said, “Listen bro - you’ve won a lot of respect standing up to Manny and don’t take this the wrong way but...” Apparently Manny was waiting for the right time to mash me like a slow matador. I kept waiting for it to happen but it never did. In fact it seemed like Manny was purposely avoiding me for some reason. It was almost like some monster had said something to him. (Yeah - wonder who that could have been?) HH

On November 15...

Headless Headmistress Bloodgood asked for “volunteers” to help with the middle school carnival fundraiser so Deuce and I volunteered for set up and take down duty. It was cool and we didn’t have to dress up like clowns or sit in the dunk tank. We set up tents, carried boxes then hung out and waited for everything to be over. We checked out some of the other booths too cause we had plenty of time to kill. Venus and Draculaura were doing face painting; Rochelle was teaching monsters how to build sand castles, some of which would have looked pretty good if they hadn’t been built next to Rochelle’s sand cathedra with working bell tower and miniature gargoyles. The best though was the stunt Robecca performed. She flew over the carnival a couple of times to get every monster’s attention then flew straight up until it sounded like her rocket boots stalled and she came streaking back toward the ground like a falling star. A huge gasp went up from the crowd as it looked like she was going to crash then she fired her rockets back up and totally buzzed the crowd less than 20 feet off the ground! It was so awesome I actually gave Holt a chance to see her second performance. (Thanks dude - it was totally rockin’ and I would have been bummed if I didn’t get to see it) HH When the carnival was over we helped take everything down and all the volunteers went to hang out at the Coffin Bean. It was dark by then and I would have missed out on that part of the fun if things were the same as they used to be. Still hoping I won’t have to give up showers someday though. (That makes both of us “Stinky”) HH

#monster high #monster high diary #monster high journal #wave 4 #jackson jekyll

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wekeepcoming · 4 years

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I use this blog to enjoy Death Stranding, but I want to come on and speak about the PS5 Sean thing. I normally don’t comment on the JSE community, as it’s very biased towards Sean. And I kinda stopped watching him after 2017 b/c I felt like he was drifting from his moral compass. Especially after I learned he and Signe broke up. That caught me off guard, actually. But what really caught me off guard is when I learned he had a new girlfriend rather quickly. I had heard of Evelien “Gab” Smolders before... But not for a good reason. See I learned about her when she made the terrible “Herro” comment she made about Ada Wong back in like 2019 I think... And I didn’t know her well enough to think anything but “Damn that’s fucked up” and “that’s racists as all Hell”. I never thought about her again until I learned her and Sean got together... And then, if you watch a clip of him talking about when him and Evelien got together, the math adds up to the fact... That it’s pretty obvious Sean was cheating on Signe. He pretty much maps it out. If you watch this video and go to timestamp 0:50, he tells the story - dramatically- about how he and Eveline met. And he even talks about being on his tour... Which Signe was on with him at the time. And then I think back to when poor Signe was getting blamed for their breakup and people saying she was abusive to Sean (oh yeah, people were saying it)... And I just feel bad for her. Cheating is a BIG no no for me. I have no respect for it, no matter the reason. You don’t do that. It’s messed up... it also explains why Sean was adamant about people not bugging Signe about the break up... B/c I would snap out too if people bugged me about my ex who cheated on me with a married woman!

I’m the same age as Sean. Im actually a month older than him. I know when someone is trying to gaslight or manipulate me. And Sean has shown signs of that over the past two years as well. His constant excuses for things are usually him not taking responsibility when he needs to. Which is something else I have a no tolerance for. You’re a thirty year old grown man, Sean. You’re acting like a dumbass child when you puff up and go “well it’s not MY fault, obviously, it was so-and-so’s fault”... Which is exactly what he’s done. The last incident of this that I remember seeing is when he was making excuses for Nopeify and calling him a dumb teenager. They’re nineteen years old. Granted, at nineteen I did stupid shit... But I wasn’t being homophobic and I didn’t make very obvious school shooting “jokes”. That is just being downright disgusting and very much not okay.

After 2017, I didn’t really care too much about Sean’s channel. His content was getting boring and he was changing a lot. I noticed it when he’d collaborated with Mark or Wade or Bob and the others. And yeah I still popped into his stuff from time to time (that’s how I learned about him and Gab). It was clear to see he was changing. And not in good lights. His confident boost he has gained... It has not made him a better person. Back in the past, it was very obvious he was willing to take responsibility for his errors. Which he’s admitted he did b/c he was afraid of being canceled.. Not because they were genuine mistakes or anything... But at least he took responsibility.

I wasn’t mad about the PS5 comment until he brushed off everyone’s complaints for “it was a joke”... Listen, I know everyone has a different sense of humor... But if people aren’t laughing, then you might wanna rethink your “jokes”. Also! When you made that Corona virus joke about Mark back in like February or March or whenever that stream for GTFO was... You realize, sir, that the man you just made that comment to is half-Korean and of the Asian community. Which is receiving deadly hate crimes and being accused of the outbreak because it was sourced from Wuhan, China (and because the goddamn cheese puff that used to be in office kept calling it “Chinese virus” and making it exclusively like it was an Asian centered virus... ) Yeah, didn’t fucking think did you, boy?

Listen. If Sean was some sixteen year old blabbering about, I wouldn’t give a shit. But he’s my goddamn age and it’s pretty clear his stardom is starting to click and warp him. He’s become materialistic and money driven. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make money. That’s fine... But waving that money over people and pushing products out while people are financially struggling and pretty much guilting people about donating or buying his stuff... That’s disgusting. Honestly, it gives me Jeffree Star vibes and that’s NOT a complement. And honestly I think he got worse when Gab came around. Toxic, racist, and money digging as she’s shown to be... If someone is willing to cheat on their husband then hook up not even a month after they divorce them... Then that’s just you being gross.

Alsooo, Sean (I love that this turned into me writing it like I’m in his face yelling at him Hah), last I checked you’re supposed to be Irish. And the Irish used to be heavily persecuted and had xenophobic hell thrown at them for centuries... You out there being discriminatory or classist is very much against what your ancestors fought against. You’re a shit stain on Irish history when you act like a fucking rich bitch twat. Very childish, kid. And dating someone who says openly racists things? Thatttt makes you come off just as racists as well... Although the fact you were comfortable with making Asian racist jokes with JadenAnimation back stage on tour is enough for me to look at you sideways and with disgust.

Also, I love how your sudden LGBTQA+ support streams happened around the same time businesses were profiting off the LGBTQA+ community with pride related objects and billboards... yeah I noticed that. Real cute 😑

Look, I don’t hate the guy. But his actions aren’t favorable and he needs a real world vibe check, because Sean, you could easily find yourself under the cancel culture stomping boot and I wouldnt even bat an eye in surprise. It happened to Dawson, it can happen to any of the “speak more positive” YouTubers out there (granted, Dawson’s stunts go back to more really tasteless jokes and racist shit but heyyy, you’re starting to not be too far off from where he was soooo...).

And for all you big Stans out there. I don’t care if this annoys or upsets you. Everyone preaches about holding celebrities and higher up people accountable for their actions... Sean shouldn’t be exempt from this just because you’re simping or a mega fan who thinks he’ll praise you if you stand up to people calling him out... If he would address his issues with sencerity and show he understands what he’s done wrong, I might even be forgiving. But this recent PS5 shit really makes me think he’s heading down a bit of a Paul brother hole... Actually, no, because the Paul brothers even know they’re being assholes and own up to it. You, Sean, do not.

#jacksepticeye #sean mcloughlin

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frisbeep · 4 years

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It's Been A Year

A lot can happen in a year, and a certain day could mean almost nothing to one person, but the world to another. I’m Corvin, and it’s been a year since my favorite show concluded.

As some of you could tell from my first MAP part, I am a fan of Steven Universe, specifically, Steven Universe Future. But it hasn’t always been that way, I had to script this video to prevent myself from getting mushy and gushy, so let’s see how this helps haha. I used to hate Steven Universe believe it or not. There’s a video that is now mocked by a few people I follow on Tumblr, but at my first viewing of the video, I thought that Steven Universe was a terrible show, because this person said it was. I didn’t even respect the person, and yet I followed their word. I refused to watch Steven Universe until...Steven Universe the Movie was announced.

I was interested, but I kept telling myself that I wasn’t supposed to like this show, the movie, or anything. Then I totally fell in love with Spinel, whoops! I didn’t know it at the time, but when I saw Spinel’s backstory, played through the song “Drift Away” I sympathized with her, I understood why she was hurting, because, little did I know, but I would be going through some things that made Spinel, and Steven himself, very relatable, too relatable. So, I liked the movie, but, the series was over now,,,right? Well, no. Even though I still disliked Steven, once I heard about Steven Universe: Future, I became hooked on learning everything I could find about it. I started digging into the lore, reading up on the reasonings behind episodes, the trivia of every character,,,also, umm, I, uhh, *cough* Steven Universe became a special interest of mine.

When I got very into Future, it was March, and the last few episodes were announced and began airing. I was crushed, and then,,,quarientine, announced right after my 15th birthday, at first, it didn’t bug me, I’m an introvert, I hate talking to people anyways. I began watching, and rewatching, and rewatching again, theories, videos, clips, animatics, tributes, edits, ect. Pretty much non-stop.

Now, I know I said that I,,wasn’t going to get personal, but, my mental state started to really take a toll as quarientine started to drone on. My depression started to really kick my butt, and I had some upsetting thoughts during that time, but, Steven Universe was always my go-to escapism. I began drawing the characters in May, they were the first humans I genuinely tried my best on, without Steven Universe, I don’t think I would have ever drawn humans and would still be an animal only artist and animator.

Now, if any of you have seen Future, you would know that Steven,,,goes a bit berserk, his thoughts are very self-deprecating, and his troubles manifest physically by having him glow a fluorescent pink. Now, I can’t glow, or at least, I haven’t yet, but, my troubles manifested physically haha (whispers: oh god i’m not funny this is why i’m in therapyyyy) I began to see Steven and me as very similar people, scarily similar people. It’s why my persona has a semi-corrupted form (Keis) but, Keis used to be my primary persona for a bit.

It took me a long while, but, once school picked up, and I did something bad, I got a therapist, and so much in my life has changed since then, new friends, because I felt like Spinel due to being in a toxic friendgroup, I found a better partner months prior, but I felt like Connie during Together Forever when an ex-partner of mine said he wanted me to be his first and last partner, as well as a lot of other factors

Anyways, I literally scripted this, and got off topic in my script, love that. Mmm, so, Steven Universe has been a special interest, an inspiration, a joy, an escapism, and something I genuinely enjoy, even though the show has ended a year ago. Thank you Steven Universe, you’ve genuinely changed my life.

#corvin rambles #steven universe #su #su:f #steven universe future #su: future #1 year #suf #steven universe: future

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mysticsparklewings · 5 years

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2019 Art Summary!

It's that time again when we all look back on the year we've had and reflect, and then look forward to what's to come in the New Year. This only my second year doing a yearly Art Summary piece (I didn't miss February like I did last year!) but I'm grateful for the tradition now. Looking back, 2019 had a lot going on for me and my art; I started out not that different from how I've been handling my art and myself online for the past couple of years, but as the year went on, I feel like I've done a lot of growing, finding myself, and even though I didn't start off in a terrible place, I think I'm in a much better one now. This really was a year of tremendous personal growth for me, both in art and just in life, and I can only hope that continues through the New Year and beyond. (As sappy as that is to say, I really mean it.) That said, let's look back on 2019 in a little more detail, shall we? January: Birthday Wishes I actually didn't have a ton of options to choose from for this month, as I think I was a little burnt out from the last couple of months in 2018 and giving myself some breathing room. Still, this Shopkin colored to match my actual birthday cake actually remains one of my favorite mixed media pieces I've done. I don't know why, there's just something I really enjoy about how it turned out, for as simple as it is. And for the record, I think I will be doing another custom Shopkin drawing for my birthday again this year, but I haven't decided anything beyond that yet. February: Floating Away (+ Time Lapse!) So as I mentioned earlier, on last year's Art Summary I discovered I didn't have any submissions dated in February and I hadn't yet gotten in the habit of documenting completion dates for my artwork, and so I didn't have an artwork to put there that I could definitively say was done in February. This year, however, February was actually one of my busiest months and I had a pretty wide variety to choose from. I ended up going with my little hot air balloon, as while it's a bit different from my normal work, I still think it's really cute and it also represents one of my attempts to start making videos of my artwork...Which I've been too lazy to do since the few attempts I did during this month... But who knows? I have a better camera and slightly larger workspace at my disposal, so perhaps I'll try again and be a little less lazy about that in 2020. March: Once a Killjoy, Always a Killjoy Oh boy, if past-me had only known what was to come later this year! March saw a lot of pieces from me practicing with watercolor and new supplies, but I think my favorite to come out of the month was my annual artwork to honor March 22nd, the anniversary of when My Chemical Romance, my favorite band, broke up. Only this time instead of doing pure fanart, I made myself into a Killjoy for the occasion. (The design of which needs to be revamped a little because my hair is purple now, but that just means I already have one option for the anniversary this coming year!) And once again, this is a mixed media piece that I look back on very fondly. The concept is fun and the end result looks pretty cool. April: Doodle Moon I leaned pretty heavily into honing my watercolor craft in April, and among those efforts, this one is definitely my favorite. (Even if it doesn't fit on this template very nicely ) This one was a bit of an experiment in branching my traditional and digital art together in a different way, and I still really love how it turned out. Although unfortunately, I've yet to return to this technique, simply because I feel weird a lot of the time about "half finishing" a traditional piece and then making a lot of modifications to it digitally. It feels like cheating or being fake in a way to me. But I think I get that hangover from the concept of editing photos online and then passing them off as real & unedited...in which case it's a personal problem that I just need to deal with on my own. May: Butterfly Babe I didn't have a ton of artwork in May, but what I did have were usually bigger/more involved pieces, and this one is no different. I think 2019 is the year when I really came into owning my love for mixed media (which comes in large part from "I'm not good at x thing with y supply, but I can do x effect with z supply really well!") and this piece is a really great example of that. Once again, still one of my favorites and the scan really doesn't do it just with all the sparkle/metallic accents I incorporated. And I think I want to do more involved almost crafty projects like this more often, but that usually comes down to having the right inspiration to make it happen. June: Bug Girl Funnily enough, June 2019 is now my busiest month of all-time (in the almost 9 years I've been here on dA), and yet I only had one "real" piece of art for the Summary. This was the month when I really got heavy into making my own Swatch Charts/Swatching Resources, and while some did carry over into July, the bulk of it was posted in June. I have to say, I don't think a ton of other people are using the charts, but I've certainly been getting good use out of them! And if I'm being honest I mostly wanted them for my own personal use anyway. But for the artwork that you see here, this is another mixed media piece, this time commemorating one of my favorite books I've read this year, How to Make Friends with the Dark by Kathleen Glasgow. The artwork itself had some annoying problems in development, but the result is really beautiful to me, and so I think it was worth it in the end. July: Homemade Mini Sketchbooks! This month is more of a craft project than artwork, but I couldn't help myself as these little sketchbooks I made myself are probably one of my most favorite projects I did in 2019, and these first two spawned many more afterward. It's funny to me because I've always wanted a way to combine my loves of books and art beyond just illustrating my writing (which isn't always something I feel like doing) and this, while maybe not a perfect solution, is definitely a unique way to do that. Plus, while making each book does take a little while, it is usually a pretty fun process now that I've gotten the better hang of it. These first two books aren't perfect, but they kicked off something I think I'll be sporadically doing for a good while to come. August: Mon Cher It feels like a lot happening this month, despite not having quite as much art as other months this past year. The month started off with the end of our family vacation, and I posted a journal when I got back where you can see that part of the reason this month felt so busy is that this is probably when I had the most new art supplies available to me to test out/play with during the year, including some items that I got at the tail end of July. Out of the options I had though, this artwork seemed like the best choice to represent this month, as just like in April I leaned pretty heavily into using and practicing with watercolors and painting in general (as I dipped my toes into seriously painting with Acrylics this month too) and this is one of my more ambitious watercolor pieces. As I said when I first posted it, it has its mistakes and growing pains, but I still think it's really lovely. September: Fly By the Moon I was actually surprised, looking back, at how busy September was. My second acrylic painting (this one more in-depth than the first), an array of cute kitty drawings which have sort of become a series now, some personal pieces, and two contest entries. (One of which actually won!) I went with the acrylic painting since I'm still very proud of how it turned out, given that I don't use acrylics terribly often and hardly ever I go for realism (even semi-realism like this painting) either. Plus, this one is a nice memory of the two real luna moths that visited us, and I had to admit that it is just really nice to have a full painting on a canvas to hang up too. I haven't done much more with acrylic painting yet, but I definitely want to. My main issue is that for me it's hard deciding on a good subject for the way I like to paint that I don't feel like would look equally as good if not better with a different medium. But hopefully, I'll find more excuses to break out the acrylics in 2020. October: Ink Dance Oh boy, what a month this was! Inktober, new mini-magnets, trying gouache for the first time, and on the very last day the news of the decade (at least for me) that My Chemical Romance is back! I followed my same principle as the art summary last year where it just doesn't feel fair to pick a favorite Inktober or use the wrap-up picture, so that left me with my gouache pieces or this one that looks more like a normal person's Inktober artwork, and out of my options, this is the one I like best. The gouache paintings aren't bad, I just need more practice and this one has more charm to me. And it's also funny to me that I was so concerned about ending up hating this one for the stippling and yet it turned out to be one of my favorites from this year. November: I will be with You The artwork for this month was pretty much a no-contest. I made this piece as a love letter to My Chemical Romance after the news of their Return, and likewise, I poured my heart and soul into it. It just might be one of my most favorite artworks to date; perhaps even worthy of being a "portfolio piece" on my website. Even more so after the fact now that I've seen the Return concert (albeit over a Livestream and not in person because California is like 2-3,000 miles away from me ). I was pretty busy throughout the month trying to keep up with a prompt challenge from Art Philosophy, but even so, I pushed myself to get this piece done and I'm so glad I did. December: Daises on Strawberry Hill Ah, and here we are at the very last. It's funny, the first half of this month seemed to drag by pretty slowly, but then after the second week things picked up pretty quickly (what with the Return concert and all) and I have to agree with my mom that Christmas went by so fast we almost missed that it happened at all. I don't have as much to show for this month, but that's in large part because I've been taking time off for my mental health and to spend time with and enjoy my family. I'm pretty happy with everything I produced this month, but my Looking for Alaska inspired art is definitely my favorite of the bunch. It's very graphic-design-ish and despite at the time having been done rather quickly and not super precisely, looking at it now it reads very cleanly. It's a little outside my normal art realm, but if anything I think that makes it stronger on its own. I'm still chipping away at my longer review of the Hulu series I originally made it to talk about (like I said when I posted it, I have a lot of thoughts I want to talk about and not rush through), so I am indeed still planning on finishing and posting those...I just don't know when that'll be, considering I've already got a bit of a content schedule for myself going into the New Year, but eventually! Eventually, it'll be done! Overall, I'm honestly very happy with what I've managed to accomplish this year. Just like last year, I did a lot of experimenting with new supplies and new mediums--this time some I thought I'd never touch--and I hit even more milestones, including my first Daily Deviation in November. I feel like I've grown significantly more as an artist and a person this year though than I did last year. And in many ways, I feel like this year has renewed my confidence in my own skills and work. I'm not much of a "New Years' Resolution" type person, as I think the concept as tied to that particular phrase has been...I'll be generous and say overinflated and mistreated...but some of my Art Goals for 2020 are: Post more consistently/regularly (which I worked on a lot in 2019 too) Be more active & engaged on social media (I've already started working on this a little, but for some reason, this is honestly kind of hard for me as I always debate what's worth sharing online and what isn't ) Promote me and my work/art outlets more (Also something I find hard to do) Keep experimenting (Not really a goal so much as my artistic state of existence but whatever ) This past year has been one heck of a wild ready, but I'm more than ready to see what 2020 has in store for me. Cheers for the New Year ahead! ____ Artwork © me, MysticSparkleWings Art Summary Template: 2019 Summary of Art Template (Blank) ____ Where to find me & my artwork: My Website | Commission Info + Prices | Ko-Fi | dA Print Shop | RedBubble | Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram

#artsummary

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elizascharlesdanceblog · 5 years

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Charles Dance: how common

Charles Dance: 'the audience feels cheated if you don't be honest about yourself'

Nigel Farndale12:15AM BST 28 Oct 2007

Army officers, worthy medicos, louche aristos, and now a donnish C.S. Lewis in 'Shadowlands' – when casting directors need 'a toff actor', Charles Dance is top of their list. It's all pretending, the secret plebeian tells Nigel Farndale, and he loves it. Portrait by Joss McKinley

Given that Charles Dance is an actor, it shouldn't come as a surprise that his manner off stage is quite actorly. Yet somehow it does. I suppose it is because he is often cast as the reserved, taciturn, patrician type, while, in person, he is tactile and garrulous. Sitting on a sofa in his dressing-room at the Wyndham's Theatre, London, he makes big theatrical, off-the-shoulder gestures, taps the wood of his dressing table – the superstitious actor – and leans forward to touch my knee occasionally, to emphasise a point. Moreover, he punctuates his anecdotes with 'darlings', 'sweethearts' and 'dears'.

Physically, he looks taller and more athletic than seems decent for a 61-year-old. He doesn't dress his age, either: his 6ft 3in frame looking rangy in faded jeans, T-shirt and heavy black boots. His hair may be thinning and becoming as pale as his skin, but his face is still strong boned, his hooded eyes still flinty. Intellectually, you suspect, there is not as much depth there as he likes to think there is, but he is friendly and engaging. Like many in his profession, he enjoys having a whinge about the actor's lot.

Don't get him on the subject of dressing-rooms, for example. He has just been touring the provinces before opening in the West End this week – 'the foreplay before the penetration,' he calls it, rather alarmingly – and the dressing-room he had in Cambridge was dark and subterranean. This one is windowless and has a fan whirring, but at least it is freshly decorated and all the light bulbs around the mirror are working. 'That's thanks to Madge,' he says. 'I was doing The Play What I Wrote here in 2002, just before Madonna did a show here and she paid for the dressing-rooms to be done up. But the funny thing was?…' he bounds up from the sofa and marches across the room to the shower area; here he describes two diagonal slashes with his arms, '…?they put crime scene tapes over the shower so no one else could use it before Madge.'

The play he did before that was Long Day's Journey into Night at the Lyric on Shaftesbury Avenue. 'In the dressing-room were little sachets of vermin poison. Pretty bloody awful. There was a mattress in there with a piece of fabric that looked like Monica Lewinsky's old dress on it. Half the lightbulbs had gone. I was there for 12½ weeks doing a play that was not a bundle of laughs, so I bought some ready-made curtains and a throw and some lightbulbs and insisted they had the room painted. They brought colour swatches of white, white or white – so I chose white.'

In his latest play, the first major revival of William Nicholson's award-winning Shadowlands, Dance plays C.S. Lewis. Although Nigel Hawthorne, on stage, and Anthony Hopkins, in the Oscar-nominated film version, are hard acts to follow in that role, Dance proves himself worthy. His struggle as the middle-aged Lewis to accept that he has fallen in love for the first time, only to lose his new wife to cancer, is mesmerising. 'It is about love in the presence of pain and suffering,' Dance says. 'C.S. Lewis believes pain is a tool. Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world.'

Presumably getting in the right reflective mood beforehand, while sitting in a pleasant dressing-room, is crucial to this performance? 'Your mood can be affected by the state of your dressing-room, and by the day you have had, but hopefully that doesn't affect the performance.'

I ask whether he can relate to the religious aspects of the play: C.S. Lewis, the devout Christian, agonises over the faith that has let him down. 'Not at all. I am an agnostic. I'm not bothered about not knowing. Religion is at the core of the play, but we pretend. It's my job. If I'm playing a murderer I don't murder people.'

And the academic aspects, the donnish world of Oxford? 'I am not an intellectual. I am reasonably intelligent, but not intellectual.' I only ask because he often plays men who are in professions that others find inspiring: Army officers, doctors and so on. When he prepares for such roles, does he ever wonder whether, by comparison, being an actor in greasepaint is somehow not quite a proper job for a grown man? He seems affronted by this question and answers in a loud and indignant voice. 'Some might think it's a job for children, but it's not! We do work very hard!'

Slightly taken aback, I say that I didn't mean to sound rude. I reframe the question in terms of the Samuel Johnson quote about every man thinking meanly of himself for not being a soldier. 'I see; well, I like pretending to be all those things. I like pretending to be someone in the military, but whether I could do it I don't know. That's why I am an actor.'

I tell him I went to see his Coriolanus years ago, the ultimate role for an actor with martial aspirations. 'London or Stratford?' The Barbican. 'Good. I was reasonably happy with it by the time we reached the Barbican.' It was a powerful and memorable performance, I say. Perfect casting.

The irony, though, was that Coriolanus is the patrician who is condescending towards the plebeians, and Dance's background is plebeian. He is the son of Nell, a former parlour-maid.

Dance returns to his actors-are-just-pretending theme: 'I just pretend. I was able to observe the aristocracy at close quarters because my mother worked for them. She certainly worked for much posher people than we were. Housekeeping. One observed it and absorbed it. My mother married above her station. She came from the East End. I'm not sure what my father did, because he died from a perforated ulcer when I was four, but I think his family had been confectioners. And I think he had been an engineer. A little further up the social scale than my mother. He used to do the occasional music hall recitation.'

Despite this background, when Dance started out in acting a fellow actor noted that he was 'a toff actor' as opposed to 'a peasant actor'. 'It's because I have a patrician face,' Dance says. He does indeed. But it is also to do with his bearing. As an actor he has a commanding presence and a certain grace. He can convey emotions with the flicker of a muscle, with the slightest movement of the eye. Two of his more polished aristocratic roles are the Earl of Erroll in White Mischief and Lord Raymond Stockbridge in Gosford Park. When he was filming the latter he told the director, Robert Altman, that he was in the wrong place, upstairs with the toffs; he should be downstairs with the servants. Altman said: 'Not with that face, Charles.'

It might be that he learnt his patrician bearing from observing his step-father, Edward, a civil servant. He had been the lodger. He drank lots of tea and did the pools. 'A fairly solitary men who seemed to have no friends or family, but quite decent. He looked after my mother. She would say, "When your father died I had 10 bob left in the world, dear".'

His mother's wasn't a happy life. Nell nursed Edward through cancer and then died from a heart attack six months after he did, in 1984, the year The Jewel in the Crown was making her son's name. They used to row a lot, mother and son. 'Terrible emotional scenes. She was a very emotional woman.'

I ask if she was socially insecure. 'She came from the servant class, which was not the same thing as the working class. The servant class is right in the middle. I'm not sure I believe there is such a thing as a middle class: it is either working class on the way up or aristocracy on the way down. She also, of course, was a lifelong Tory voter, as most people from the servant class were; you can't possibly be governed by your equals. You have to be governed by your betters.'

His brother is 10 years older, a retired naval officer who lives in France. 'He had been a difficult adolescent and my mother thought joining the Navy would make a man of him. So she marched him off to the recruiting office when he was 15, a decision my mother regretted until the day she died. I remember sharing a bedroom with him before he left for the Navy and there were books of poetry around the place and he wasn't a bad draughtsman either. All that had to go. My mother learnt from her mistake and allowed me to indulge in poetry and the arts.'

Charles Dance had been studying graphic design and photography at Leicester Art School when he got the acting bug. Steve McQueen and Peter Finch had inspired him to become a screen actor, while 'Brian Rix dropping his trousers in a farce made me want to prance about on stage'. He abandoned his course in favour of acting lessons from two retired thespians, Leonard and Martin. They were gay, but quiet about it, as society demanded at the time.

What was he like at that age? 'When I was 19, I was long-haired, going on the Aldermaston march, shagging everything in sight. The march was more fun than anything. I'm not especially political.'

Was he narcissistic as a young man? 'Not really, not until way after my teens. Mid to late twenties, possibly. I look around now and see guys who are fantastic looking and then I look in the mirror and think this is a very odd face. It doesn't bear close scrutiny. Bags under the eyes, thinning hair, I don't see a handsome man when I look in the mirror. Never have done. It is not an easy face to photograph, which is tricky in a film career unless you are in the hands of an astute and clever director of photography. I wear clothes quite well and am reasonably fit and have a good body, but I don't think I am particularly handsome. When people first started describing me as being that, at the time of Jewel in the Crown, I was surprised, but then I learnt to embrace it, a little too fondly.'

At the time, he was described as the English Robert Redford. I suggest it must have given him confidence to be told he had matinee-idol looks, even if he couldn't see it himself. 'Confidence is something I have had to acquire. This profession is littered with people, who, by their nature, are more introvert that extrovert. I can have my flamboyant moments, but I am, by nature, an introvert. I acquired confidence by giving myself severe talkings-to from time to time. I found that aspect of Coriolanus – the opening scenes where he is confident, strutting, all "I'm f---ing wonderful, and powerful", harder to act than the more vulnerable moments later in the play when it emerges that he is a mummy's boy.'

He thinks that early on in his career he may sometimes have been cast because of his looks – but not any more. 'Now I am getting more interesting roles. Mr Tulkinghorn in the BBC adaptation of Bleak House, for example. Or Ralph Nickleby [in The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby]. He is a complete s---. Evil, but interesting. Whereas there are only so many ways you can play a romantic leading man. You know you are there for a reason.'

He described himself earlier as 'shagging everything in sight'; just how successful was he with women? 'Not that successful. You know how it is when you are a young man: lots of groping most of the time, nothing serious.'

For 23 years he was married to Joanna, a sculptor. They have grown-up children: Oliver, who works in film, and Rebecca, who is in publishing. Then, in 2004, they divorced. Dance's name has been linked to one or two actresses and models since, but he nevertheless worries that he might end up alone. He prefers not to think about it. Indeed, he feels uncomfortable with this conversation, not least because his ex-wife was door-stepped by the press at the time of their divorce. 'I'd rather you avoided the subject,' he says, 'but I can't blame "the business" for the breakdown of my marriage. I don't want to talk about it. If I had a choice in the matter I would say "please don't go into all that", but if you want to insert something about it I can't stop you.'

I note that actors tend to be liberal by inclination, that this is partly to do with the bohemian life they lead: the touring, the intimacy with fellow cast members, the abandonment of self-consciousness. In Dance's case, that includes appearing nude. He has no qualms about it, as he demonstrated recently in the film Starter for Ten. He turned up on set for that scene already naked. When the wardrobe assistant offered to cover him up, he said: 'No need, darling'.

'Well, if you've done it once, after that it doesn't bother you,' he says now. 'To continue the painting analogy, painters have brushes and paints, we have this.' He sweeps his hands the length of his body. 'The audience feels cheated if you don't open up and be honest about yourself. I feel I have cheated myself if I don't go that far. Having stuff in reserve is to cheat.'

Similarly, he is not fussy about what he appears in, so long as the money is good. He has done a number of forgettable Miss Marple-type dramas on television and memorably wore fishnets and a red rubber micro-skirt for the Ali G movie. 'I'll do anything for money,' he says. 'People talk about choices. What choices? The choice is to work or not to work.'

I suppose he has an additional choice in that he can also write, produce and direct. Notably, he wrote, produced and directed Ladies in Lavender, a film about two sisters, played by Dames Maggie Smith and Judi Dench, living on the Cornish coast, who take in a Polish stray just before the Second World War. 'There was a day when I was stupid enough to try to direct Judi. She came up with a line that was a bit sentimental for her and I knelt down and touched her knee and said: "Judi, it is a bit Celia Johnson-ish." And she said: "How dare you? And get your hand off my knee.".'

The film grossed more than $30million. 'But none of it found its way into my pocket. It all went to the f---ing distributors and sales agents. I see the returns. I get "0000" next to my name while they are coining it in. It was a bugger to get the financing together for that film. I had to ask Judi and Maggie to defer fees and they sweetly said "of course, darling", even though they knew deferment usually means deferred indefinitely.'

He slips on a black polo-neck and scoops up a packet of cigarettes from among the greasepaint pots. He is going to pop outside for a quick fag. As we walk through the theatre we talk about Shadowlands and its funereal themes. He says he would have loved to have gone to George Melly's funeral. 'He had a cardboard coffin which people wrote funny things on, like, 'You owe me 20 quid, George".'

As we stand outside the stage door, in the drizzle, I ask if he has thought about what form he would like his own funeral to take. 'God no,' he says, lighting a cigarette. 'Too busy trying to live, for f---'s sake.'

'Shadowlands' is at the Wyndham's Theatre, London W1, until 15 December; www.shadowlandstheplay.com, 0870 950 0925

source: telegraph

#CD #charles dance #interview #the telegraph #a remarkable man

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changji · 5 years

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Wow you really went off the other day but at least it was worth it 😪 I normally look at the scenery when I’m on a road trip, but then I get bored of it and decide to sleep bc there’s nothing else to do. Motion sickness must suck :(( do you take gravol or something to help with it? Coffee literally drains the life out of my funds it hurts me

Yes omg pls make me cookies I love them. Maybe you can even open a bakery with pastries and sell some good /cheap/ coffee. Ilyt my dear baker 🥺 ye I’m not the biggest fan of my bday either but gotta celebrate anyway!! One year closer to death woohoo 🎉🎉 your birthday is the most important day of the year!!! You can’t fight me on this I’m right

Pearls are so good. Like most places I go to don’t add anything to the pearls so it’s just bland squishy balls but the place I frequent adds I think honey to sweeten them. It gives the pearls life istg. It tastes so good 🤤 hollering is a funny word. For some reason I always associate it with yodelling which makes me laugh

Ksks you must be op if you can make a joke in the wall with a door slam. I can’t relate my arms are literally sticks and I have no strength in me. Chrome books are terrible in general. Add my schools terrible wifi and you get one big recipe for disaster. I’d never fight u either (unless it’s for your bday) ily too much for that 🥺🥺🥺

Hahah I think it’s me. I haven’t heard anyone say “go ham” except for the people who go to my school. I find it really funny tho so I try to incorporate it whenever I can LOL easily burnt? Can’t relate but apparently I easily tan. There’s this one diagonal stripe on my shoulder that separates pale me and tan me which ??? How did that happen and what was I wearing for that to happen??

It’s all fun and games until you go outside and see a mountain of snow waiting for you to be shovelled. But there are some good aspects to winter, like skating and skiing and all that fun stuff. Snow is so heavy?? Or maybe I’m just weak but after I finish shovelling I’m beat. Gardening is not my thing. There’s too many bugs involved flying around 🥴

Kind of? I always thought it was short for cappuccino but I could be wrong. They don’t taste like fraps tho, they’re sm better. I was always a frap hoe until I discovered lattes. My old elementary school was close to a Starbucks so whenever frappy hour was happening, my friends and I would go almost every day LOL

I heard that dunkin coffee is really good. Oof there’s so many things that the us have that Canada doesn’t. But apparently you guys don’t have ketchup chips?? How can one live without them? You know that’s what soulmates are, we’re stuck together forever and I don’t mind that. I’d never leave you 😌😌

YES OMG LATTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I pay around the same amount and my wallet cries every time. If you ever yeet yourself off a bridge I’d come visit u in hell and bring u iced coffee 💖 we really are soulmates wtf I get almond milk in my lattes as well!! I used to get normal milk and was like “I’m a bad bitch milk can’t hurt me” but that didn’t really work out. Sigh what we do for coffee 😔

Washing dishes is disgusting. I hate doing them but yk someone’s gotta do it and that someone is me 😤 I’m acc lazy when it comes to smoothies, I usually ask my mom to make them LMAO. Pancakes are pretty much made of flour if you think about it so technically when u eat one plain ur eating cooked flour,, how barbaric. Waffles are Built. Like. They have a 20 pack 😪😪

I love angst personally so pls go ham but not too ham I’d like to keep my heart. Honestly at this point my last brain cell has given up on me. But yes I love angst and I love torturing myself with heart wrenching angst that leaves me crying into my pillow at 3am (I’m talking about this one haikyuu fic that I forgot the name of. I was literally dying inside jalsjwo)

Pls do send me peet’s I’ll send you an iced capp in a cooler so it’ll be somewhat melted and probably spilt everywhere 🤪 tumblrs probably gonna block me again, I’m looking at how much I’ve typed rn and it’s a lot lmaoo. Yes I managed to save myself. I redid the whole last with less detail bc I was not Having It but it turned out better?? How is ur drawing now?

I start after labour day in September. But starting in 3 weeks?????? On a Thursday?? I could never wtf. When do you end? I’m so confused with these ap and honours thing, like there’s none offered in my school nor majority of the school district. Are they just advanced classes or something? It is 7 classes a semester or the whole year?

Stan talent i think you meant yourself??? Jsjsksk I am not only ur coffee soulmate I’m not #1 fan as well and I support u bc ily 🥺🥺 the read more tag had me laughing for a hot minute. Like we really could make an essay out of all of our replies. I don’t have any pets (besides fish does that count?) unfortunately bc my moms allergic to fur 🥺 hbu?? (I can’t believe tumblr blocked me again they can fight me)

i didn’t even pay LOL i freeloaded off my cousin 🤧 i like to look @ scenery sometimes but like i can’t bc my head hurts LOL and the scenery is always the same for me, mountains and fields with cows. i try to take dramamine but it makes me so drowsy that i’m just basically dead,,, i live off of my cousins money so i’m okay 🤪

tbh i use nestle toll house pre made cookie dough, like that shit actually slaps. it’s the best it’s so good omg, perfect for lazy hoes 🤧 death here we go ! the order is ur bday, then skz debut date, and then christmas i don’t make the rules sorry sis 😤

pearls are Dangerous, i once drank a smoothie and there were pearls in it and i couldn’t see them bc there were like. only 3 and they were Buried under the smoothie but i choked and almost died but i chewed one of them and it’s like. so weird. HOLLERING AND YODELING IM- i once went to some public yodeling class and left in 2 seconds bc it was a bunch of white boys dressed like the kid from walmart 😪

it’s not even strength i’m actually rly weak,, i always think the doors are closed but they’re not and so i like slam them open and the walls are thin so it’s just. a sad hole. terrible wifi,, my school has pretty good wifi tbh but we have like three connections, one for the chrome books only, one for the teachers & staff, and one for students and guests. like it works rly good but everyone has a VPN bc of stupid social media restrictions 😤 & ilyt 🥺 u would probably win in a fight tho LOL

go ham is so interesting. the first time i heard it i thought it meant go pig and i was so confused but ig,,, i live lathered in sun screen whenever i go somewhere with the sun. ppl are like “i smell sun screen” and im just there like 🙃 it’s me u got a problem u burnt chicken nugget ??? i wish i tanned easily, i have a tan friend and when i showed her when my legs got tan she was so confused. i thought i was tan tho? bc during marching band season my sock tan becomes So Bad i’m basically white. she said she was blinded when she saw me pull my sock down and i laughed so hard LOL & i hate those dumb random tan lines like. where u @ bro? where u come from??

snow is fun for like a day and then i get tired LOL i csn only handle wet socks and a red nose for so long 😔 i tried skiing one time and i did so bad that the instructor had to hold me down and walk with me down the slope. i fell so many times i think he hated me 😳 i’m also rly bad at skating? i went w my friends once and i held both of their hands and still managed to bring both of them down when i fell. a cute guy once helped me when i was struggling to walk so 🥴 not my brightest moment tbh,, trying to walk in skates while on ice. do u enjoy skiing/skating? also gardening is. gross. worms and dirt and the sun i’m not here for it.

u: cappuccinos! me: ...ice bergs,,, now that i think about it fraps kinda suck,,, i used to think i was So Cool for drinking starbucks but now i’m like. wow. i used to think there was coffee in a frap but it’s just. sugar and ice LOL also speaking of tmrw is bogo fraps here,, idk if it’s all over the world but myb u should check it out 😪

dunkins okay it depends on what you get, i once got an iced latte and it was good but my dad got an iced coffee and he like. hated it so we had to switch and it was so bad like. it was coffee crime. it was horrible and not strong it was basically milk 😤 also,, ketchup chip? i just googled what that was and. that’s literally so weird. fun fact i hate ketchup and all other condiments i can only eat bbq sauce and i tolerate steak sauce

UR LITERALLY SO CUTE OKAY UR MINE NOW HHHH

i mentioned this in the other ask but. we going broke bitches club 😪 when u come visit me it’ll be old town road the one w mason ramsey on a loop. nothing will top the og remix but no, i’ll be stuck listening to some 5 year old rap for all of eternity

I USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD KID AND DRINK MILK EVERY MORNING ever since i got to middle school i preferred sleep over waffles and milk and i hardly drink milk but when i do. my stomach does not have it.

my mom made me wash dishes today and she just stared at me when i put ziploc bags on my hands bc we didn’t have gloves but i just painted my nails and i’m not abt to put myself thru chipped nails. not yet 😤 waffles are so good like i love waffles and lattes only 🤧

well i’ll go very ham (am i doing it right LOL) 😤 the angst ending is a lot better than the open ended or happy ones LOL i’m so excited for it 🥺 i’m rly tryna get it out before the end of this month bc the edit says july and it’ll make me Mad if i don’t get it out before the end of this month

i wanna start in september 🤧 and i usually end in the first week of june. also on a wednesday LOL it’s gross. stupid. ap means advanced placement so it’s just. a college level class. lowkey mad bc i’m taking ap euro (as a sophomore 😒) and other schools take it in their senior years? apparently this is normal? and honors are just faster paced classes with more weighting so,, idrk oops 😬 some people take 7 classes in a semester but i took it for the whole year! this year i’m dropping orchestra i’m Not for that spit in the carpet life

the only talent in this house goes by ada and jisung. i don’t make the rules. i’m ur #1 fan 🥺 as soon as u post anything i automatically smash that rb button LOL also put a read more here bc like. we’re really out here writing a whole ass essay. i’ll look @ all our convos bet it’ll be like. a lot. i don’t wanna say smth and be off so i’ll just not. i have a dog! he’s the cutest in the world and i love him sm 🥺 tumblr can fight me first like. what’s this ask limit bull hhhhh

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blogofori · 4 years

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This has been bugging me and stressing me out on and off since March, so I’m going to vent here.

So, there was this point in mid-March where my mom and dad got really fucking sick for two weeks. It took them several months to recover all the way. I’m like 50/50 on whether or not it was COVID. There were like, four separate sources that they could have gotten sick from that each have different chances of having been COVID.

I’ll list them from least to most likely to have been COVID. The first possible source was me, getting it from school maybe. This happened during a week-long break from school, but for a couple days I was sick with mild exhaustion and a runny nose. Since there were none of the classic COVID symptoms and runny nose is one of the few things that COVID doesn’t really cause, I’m going to assume that was a cold and if I had COVID, it was asymptomatic (I was 17 at the time, I am currently 18, and my only pre-existing condition is asthma, so that’s not an unreasonable assessment). The next possible cause of the disease was my mom. She works for marketing in Boeing, specifically in dealing with foreign airlines, so her and lot of the people she works with have to travel internationally a lot for work. That said, I don’t recall hearing anything about any of her coworkers getting sick around the same time she did. All of that said, both of these instances have some credibility by virtue of us living around Seattle, which got hit by COVID a little bit before the rest of America did because we have a high Asian population, so more people were going to an from China before COVID made it big world-wide. We also had an outbreak in a retirement home that was probably about a 20 minute drive from where I live, so COVID was definitely around where I live for at least a few weeks before lock-down orders started. The third candidate was my aunt, who was visiting from San Diego shortly before my parents got sick. Mom said she said she was feeling a bit sick before visiting. Considering I don’t know anything about the symptoms, she’s over 50 and obese, and it didn’t sound like she got super sick, it’s a huge not enough information, never will get enough information to guess. Then there’s my sister, who almost definitely had COVID. She has half public half private school. The private school was run by this jackass guy, who decided to ignore the CDC’s guidelines at the time to not travel to China for nonessential stuff. A bit later, there was an outbreak of people getting sick at her school and one of the teachers tested positive. While my sister did not get tested, she did get sick and was definitely exposed. That said, it’s still possible that she got COVID and didn’t spread it to anyone in the family because my family fucking hates each other. Like, the average amount of time per day I was spending within even 10ft of any given family member was around 30 seconds, and my sister’s even more cut off from everyone than I am. To the point where I didn’t find out that she was even sick in March until she told me about it in July. Given all of that, my sister’s in middle school and my parents had to drive her around a lot, so there’s still a very good chance they got sick from her. I’m also not 100% sure on the timeline of when she got sick vs when mom and dad got sick, but it was probably within two weeks of each other considering all of this happened in the same month. There’s also the point that mom and dad both tested negative for the “did you have corona” test, but those tests aren’t very consistent and they got tested in July, so it’s possible that they got two false negatives (my sister and I did not get the test).

The reason this is bothering me so much, other than my desire to just know, is that there was an unusually high amount of placing being gone to during the time period that people were sick. First of all, when I was first getting my cold symptoms, it was right at the start of a one week break for school. Normally that would mean I’d spend the entire week hanging out on my computer in this one isolated corner of the house, but not this week. This week my aunt and cousin were visiting for a few days. I largely didn’t do all of the outdoors stuff my dad was trying to force on me because I don’t like that stuff, I don’t like being around him, and I didn’t want to potentially worsen the cold and get more annoying symptoms. But there was one day where he spent fifteen minutes arguing with me and got me to go to the zoo with him and my aunt. It wasn’t a particularly popular zoo, but it did get people from places like New York, California, and so on. Anyways, that’s the amount of out that I was while symptomatic with cold. My parents didn’t start getting sick until after my aunt returned home. She said she did not get sick afterwards when I asked her about it. My mom decided to keep her distance from me when she realized she was sick. This might have been because of COVID news, it also might have been a reaction to January where everyone but me got sick except me because I told them I was quarantining. Either way, I didn’t get any symptoms of anything besides the cold. My dad also got symptoms. During the weekend, he asked me about my symptoms. I told him I had lighter symptoms than he had and they got worse when he made me go to the zoo. So he took that as validation that it was ok to teach children skiing, and to take my mom with him. Mom said she spent the entire time in the lodge laying down, probably coughing like crazy, and trying to keep people away from her. Afterwards, dad drove to Spokane, a town that’s about a day’s drive away. Dad still claims that he did nothing wrong, but at the time, I was mad at him because for making his “flu” worse for himself and mom, but the entire thing gets so much worse if he actually had COVID. Side note: I did bring up that I was upset with him for worsening his flu and that he shouldn’t have done that, mostly because I brought it up with my Therapist, who looked legitimately shocked and mildly horrified when I mentioned that to her because going skiing while sick with anything is a terrible idea. Anyways when I brought it up, dad claimed that he probably did have COVID but it’s ok because “children aren’t affected by it.” In July, I again brought up how that was a horrible thing to say, and he dismissed me by saying “it was a different time” and “I was already wearing a mask because I was skiing so it’s ok.” My mom got super sick after that and couldn’t really leave the couch or bed. That left me largely in charge of the food. I can’t cook. It’s something I probably should work on, but stuff like working with meat makes me anxious, and waiting for food to cook is boring and tedious. This is relevant because I decided to repeatedly bring food home while she was super sick. This was when the CDC was specifically telling people not to wear a mask, so I wasn’t wearing a mask. I was seeing the food people face to face. The only silver lining here was that people were beginning to worry about corona and I was showing up at the food places kinda late, so the places were eerily empty. Mom also had a work trip coming up where she was supposed to go to Ethiopia and Poland to meet with a bunch of people from a bunch of different countries. She went to the company doctor, but they didn’t test her or anything and just had her go even though she was pretty clearly sick with a cough and fever (it might have just been a cough by the time she went). So, Boeing did endanger the lives of several people they’re supposed to be working with. My dad got back home before she left, he doesn’t like to cook, so we were still eating out. We also ended up talking to a friend and trying to schedule a trip to Japan in July for the Olympics. He was still coughing. The friend was with his dad, who has a scarred lung and works in data science. That’s about when corona went on my radar as something to look out for. Meanwhile, during the week, my sister’s girl scout troop (I think?? It might have been something else) went on a field trip to Washington DC and into the White House. I’m still a tad disappointed that she didn’t infect the president then and there. Apparently one of the people who was supposed to go on the trip was too sick to go because of stomach issues or something.

All of this is bugging me because I can’t shake off the feeling of guilt, anger, fear, confusion, and hurt from that week, even though it’s been over 6 months. If we had COVID, which is entirely possible, how many people got infected? At the time, my perceptions of COVID were more or less “oh, I guess it isn’t food poisoning” because that’s how little attention I was paying to it when this happened. I know a lot of what happened here wasn’t my fault for a variety for reasons and, by now, whatever I did probably only have negligible affects on the pandemic even worst case scenario, but I can’t shake that feeling of guilt. I don’t understand why. I can’t shake the feeling of anger because no one has showed me much empathy or sympathy or such on the matter, the best I’ve gotten is people telling me to try and get over it. Which is on a scale between concern and defensiveness. Because of that, I can’t get over the anger I have towards my dad. Which is so exhausting that I can’t even be angry at the teacher who caused a COVID outbreak in his school or Boeing. The Boeing thing in particular probably should have been reported somewhere because what they did was horrible and objectionable, but now pretty much no one will know. I can’t get over the fear that someone died because of me or my family. The best I can do is remind myself that there is no proof that we even had COVID in the first place, but that uncertainty is also scary because I don’t know the consequences of my actions. Whether or not they were likely to have had serious negative repercussions or should just be taken as a warning. A warning that I haven’t been able to get my family to take. I can’t shake the confusion because I’ll never know for certain whether we even had COVID or just really bad luck with the flu. And I can’t get over the hurt because every time I’ve tried to even address it, I’ve just been told to shut up or get over it.

The week or so after realizing that COVID is, in fact, a thing, my mind was racing in contradictory directions. It was painful just from the whiplash alone. The reactions from my teachers ranged from one teacher trying to circumvent the rules trying to protect from COVID to another teacher declaring it’s the apocalypse and demanding all students stay away from her (which was worsened by some students intentionally triggering her anxiety by breathing on her, which is fucked up for multiple reasons). There was also a lot of uncertainty around the school because the district’s policy regarding COVID was it wouldn’t shut things down unless someone tested positive except there weren’t any tests available. It was worsened by a story on the news regarding a neighboring district where someone did test positive, but they didn’t find out until right when they were enter their school’s building. That lack of available testing also meant that the case numbers counted were almost definitely an underestimate. My mom was on her work trip, which left me with my dad. He was beginning to claim that COVID couldn’t have been that big of a deal because people probably already got it in the masses and his and mom’s case “wasn’t that bad.” Remember, they were both basically bed ridden for at least a week, and it took them months to fully recover from the coughing. That’s bad. The amount of emotions I was feeling were overwhelming, one day I would switch between joking about “spreading the plague” and being terrified of doing exactly that, the next day I’d barely have the energy to feel anything. Then I found out that my therapist came down with a fever, and I lost contact with her (because I couldn’t figure out how to get the online stuff to work after the fact). My thoughts on my parents would fling between “I want to protect them at all costs” and “I hope they die” in under a day, and it would continue swinging back and forth like that for months before I lost the will to care anymore.

The other day, I broke down in tears because I thought I might have a cold and it made me think of that week, or those few weeks. Turns out, I don’t have a cold, I just had a runny nose for three seconds. Every time I’ve tried to talk about it, I’ve been told to work it out or try to get over it, but I can’t do that on my own. All I can really do is try not to think about it until it comes crashing down again, but I know that’s impossible to maintain.

#rant

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mhdiaries · 4 years

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Journal of Jackson Jekyll

Yes, I do mind if you read my journal.

On September 9...

On September 12...

On September 21...

On September 23...

On October 8...

On November 2...

On November 15...

#monster high #monster high diary #monster high journal #jackson jekyll #text post #wave 4

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thisisnot-chris · 4 years

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(Disclaimer: this is a very long story if you intend to read this)

Today is May 18th, 2020. Exactly one year ago, May 18th 2019, I tried to take my own life...

That is such a mind boggling thing to me still; I tried to end it all. In fact, I tried to twice. There was a second attempt I made nearly two months later from this first one. While the second one started my wake up call to get out of the hole I put myself in, the first one was a very close call.

What led to this point for me? What in the world would want me to just stop living?

Well... I was in pain. An extremely intense pain.

I was heartbroken.

Was it a good reason? No. But it was the reason and my handling of that led to my attempts.

It was a certain number of weeks that led up to that point for me.

I was seeing a man that I met at a show of mine back on Black Friday 2018. Never expected to meet him but things just kinda happened. We briefly talked here and there after that show and eventually I spent the whole NYE weekend with him of that year. Things grew fast and it led to a point where we had a conversation on a personal struggle of his.

He told me that he is (and still is) an alcoholic.

He needed help and I knew I wanted to be there to help him. I didn't turn him away. Shortly after that he told me his feelings for me, which I shared mine back as well. Regardless of his matter, it felt unreal. He started to get help at the time (to my knowledge at the time) and I even stopped drinking so he didn't have to take that path alone. I felt everything would be good here on after such an open conversation.

But soon after that, things went through an "up and down" period. He started being distant. Big sign for me was the lack of physical affection like a kiss, or even a hug, at times. There were others but it made me really question if something was wrong. We did have a talk where he claimed things seem to bore him with everything but something seemed off about that. There were red flags flying high above me but I just ignored them, thinking "Oh cmon that's nothing to hold against anybody! He's dealing with so much!" A lesson learned there for me is to fully keep red flags in mind; it doesn't automatically mean don't stay with this person but it's something important to keep in mind and have a conversation about if things get to a shaky point.

As March came along, I moved to Madison and was able to see him more often and spend time with him. It seemed things got better but only for a couple weeks. It was really hitting me at this point because I knew my feelings for him were getting much stronger. In fact, I realized I was starting to fall for him. I never felt such a way about anybody before in my life. I thought he had so many qualities I was looking for in a significant other at the time. I felt he could be the one.

I ended up confessing my love for him (in an extremely awkward manner) face to face, asking him to be my boyfriend. He didn't give an answer right away though; he told me a week later his answer.

He told me he was still in love with his ex and that we should just be friends.

Now I get everyone has a right to keep something going or not with someone they're seeing, and I was "ok" with his answer at first. The thing was I met his ex; they were friends still and was told that was all they were. I was also told he cut him off around when he first started seeing me and that it "worked" to remove any feelings he had. If that was the case, why was he still in love with him? Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough? If he was still in love with him, why did anything start between us? Why did he say he has feelings for me if he wasn't emotionally ready to start something with someone new?

These questions don't matter anymore with him but at the time they consumed me. I felt like I was used. I felt lied to. It hurt. From the coming weeks after this "breakup" I started to become depressed and isolated myself frequently. I even went off the grid for a few days without telling anyone. I turned my phone on airplane mode so I wouldn't hear from anyone. When I turned it back on though, I saw all these messages and missed calls from friends and family all around asking where I was. I even found out my parents came down to see if I was ok. I felt terrible from doing it. During this though, I found out my "ex" was worried too. I ended up calling him and talking to him. He told me I shouldn't be alone, so he talked to some of my other friends on what would be best for me for that night. They agreed I should stay with him.

Hearing that did two things; it made me think he truly cared and made me feel there was a chance to rekindle and actually be friends (part of me stupidly thought there could be more from it too). So I waited for him to get done with his side job at the time and then headed over once he was home. I got to his place and waited outside the door.

I texted him.

No answer.

I called him.

No answer.

I rang the door bell.

No answer.

I sat outside in the cold for an hour waiting for him. His lights were on so I knew he was home. I just literally scared so many people in my life wondering where I was and it was agreed upon I shouldn't be alone that nite so I didn't want to leave.

He never answered. I couldn't wait in the cold any longer. It was late too and I didn't want to bother anyone else so I went home. I ended up being alone.

The next morning he texted me saying he was sorry and that he fell asleep shortly after coming home. For me though, if someone I knew and cared about truly needed to be with someone for the nite, I would make sure they made it home first; falling asleep meant there was never any care. I was beyond hurt. I felt I could rely on him in a time of need. He proved me wrong. I balled throughout the day and eventually decided to go back to the Fox Cities and spend time with friends and family. Funny enough though before I headed back, he texted me saying he was called off work and that we should hang out. I had him call me and told him it hurt too much to be around him. We cut ties at that point.

I regretted it soon after.

I grew this unhealthy attachment to him. It consumed me. I even tried to brush off what I said to him but he felt it was better to keep space. I didn't want to accept it. I felt like I couldn't live without him. I kept digging myself into a deeper hole and I just didn't seem to stop. The pain I felt kept intensifying and I just wanted to be put out of my misery. I even started to truly contemplate over taking my life. I researched different methods I felt could be easy enough for me to do (Note: researching methods is one of the scariest things you could ever do. When you see detailed step by step directions with lines that say "you've reached succession", you can't help but tear up knowing this is something you are truly considering.). As I look back, I didn't truly want to end it all, I just wanted to no longer feel this pain. The pain only felt worse though and hit a peak soon after.

On May 17th 2019, I went to a show at a club in my area. It was a flow night and people could bring props to dance around with. I went there because a collective I was working with at the time told me my "ex" was going to be there. For me, I stupidly felt I could try and see him and talk to him again. When I got there, I basically stood in one spot the entire night. My "ex" actually came up to me and started talking to me, wondering how I was. I briefly talked but it felt too awkward so he walked off. It kept bugging me though. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't want to pester him or make things worse. It ate at me. On top of that, that wasn't the only bothersome matter that night. I saw him drinking again. He told me his struggles he had with alcohol over the years and now he was ordering vodka red bulls. Did he fall off the wagon? Did he just not care anymore? What the heck was going on?? It was a lot in mind.

When the show ended, everyone there went outside and chatted and such. By the time everyone outside left, it was just me, my "ex", and some guy he bummed a smoke off of. I wanted to talk to him still, but ended up awkwardly waving goodbye. I headed back to my car in the parking ramp nearby. I drove down and made it to the toll booth, paid my fee, and was around to drive out. A triggering moment happened though that froze me in my tracks.

As I was about to drive out, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw my "ex". He was standing outside. Looking at me. There were no other cars or people around. I was wondering what was he doing? Did he want to talk? Was something wrong? It felt like an eternity. I was caught between pulling up to him or driving off. I ended up driving off. Soon after I did though, I regretted it and turned around. By the time I made it back to that spot, he was walking down State St., a road in my city only buses and emergencies vehicles can drive down. I felt like he died and that I would never see him again.

I ended up speeding back to my apartment. It was 2:25AM when I got home. I fell to my knees and balled in the most painful manner imaginable. I didn't want him gone. I wanted him back. But he was never going to be back. I wanted to be put out of my misery. I wanted to attempt that early morning. I ended up passing out in my bed though hoping things would get better.

When I woke up, nothing changed. I felt like nothing was ever gonna get better. It was around 10AM or so when I finally decided I was gonna try to take my life.

My choice of method was by poisoning: I tried using Everclear. I had two bottles of it and felt that would be enough to do it. I had never touched it before and never realized how badly it burned going down your throat. I ended up downing it though, I didn't care. I had already gone through half a bottle when something stopped me. A friend of mine was in town and wanted to see me. I wanted to ignore him but what crossed over me was I was never gonna see my friends or family again. I didn't want to have that happen. So I stopped and told him to come over. When he did, I told him everything. He saw how my place looked too and that was reason enough for him to believe something was wrong. I balled my eyes out confessing everything. Eventually though the Everclear started to hit me and I blacked out. I didn't know if that was truly enough but I partially hoped it was after having my friend see me like that.

Thankfully it wasn't the end.

I woke up in the hospital about 7 hours later from my point of blacking out. I couldn't see straight, my head was pounding, and body felt like it was about to keel over at any point. My family was there. I apparently called them in my haze and they knew something was wrong. During that point in the hospital though going into the night staying over, I was beyond sick. I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through it and was genuinely sacred.

I woke up that next morning though, while still sick, feeling better than before. A doctor told me my BAC was at 0.38. which is 0.02 away from the fatal level. Now I still don't fully understand what happened with my body during that but apparently my carbon dioxide levels had become extremely unstable and if I had continued drinking more or wasn't taken to the hospital sooner to control it, I either could've suffered permanent damage to my nervous system or I could've actually not made it...

After finding that out, I had my family and a number of friends visit me. I thought to myself why were so many people visiting me? I tried to put myself out of misery and never see any of you again, what did I do to deserve this? It meant a lot but I still felt troubled. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days to try and recover myself. I did feel a bit better but I knew I wasn't quite out of that slump.

The struggle carried on for the next two months until a triggering moment had me put myself in the hospital again. I heard from a friend of mine about my "ex" apparently getting back together with his ex. To me that hurt beyond what I felt before. I truly felt like I was used to fill a void until he could get back with who he actually wanted to be with. I thought he got what he wanted and left me in the dust. From it, I ended up attempting in a similar fashion to the first time. It wasn't as bad as the first time because a moment stopped me during my second attempt. I sent an incredibly long and crazy message to my "ex" about it all. Once I hit send, I immediately regretted it. How could I say something so crazy to someone like that? I didn't want this any more. I asked another friend to come and get me. I didnt want to feel the way I did anymore. I wanted to be free from it...

I woke up in the hospital the next day.

I was in the hospital AGAIN...

WHY WAS I THERE AGAIN?!

I was beyond upset with myself. This is not what my life should've been like. From it too, my family and a number of friends were upset over this happening again too. This was not ok. It was all over some stupid guy and I can't believe I let things spiral out of control to those points because of this breakup. So from that point on, I made a heck of an effort to break out of it.

I only stayed in the hospital for 2 days that time. The doctors felt I made a significant recovery and decided it'd be best for me to go back to life after that time. After dismissal began a slow but steady process to break from that unhealthy attachment and be myself again. I still had some struggling days for a number of months since then but I kept at it.

By the time November hit, I truly felt like myself again. I felt much more confident and in control and mindful of everything in my life. To add on top of it too, life seemed to tell me otherwise that even if things continued with my "ex", it never would've been a good fit for me anyways. I found out about multiple instances of other men he was talking to behind my back from these guys who reached out to me directly. I found out things didn't go as planned for him with his ex and yet was still trying to rekindle things. The biggest thing from it all though was he reached out to me and told me that he was in rehab now for his alcoholism for who knows how long. Now this isn't me trying to blast him or anything, this is just making a point from this situation. It went to show that no matter how strongly you feel about someone, you need to put yourself first. If I kept having that unhealthy attachment to him during finding out all these things, I don't think I would've gotten back to being myself as soon as I ended up doing so, in fact it could've gotten worse. It's unfortunate for him with his choices and situations now but I've got my own life to live and I can't have something negative hold me back again like that.

From this all, I amazingly have become so much closer to friends and family, have gained so many more new opportunities with music than I ever thought possible, and am happier than I have ever been before. Not everyday is perfect but from those times, you still make the most of them and keep moving forward. We are in control of our own ways of thinking and handling things. Yes there are certain factors that we don't have control over but when you fully realize and take control of what you can in life, you'll see how much more you can do in your life than you ever thought possible. Realizing the situations and factors that can trigger or have triggered you will make you more mindful of your energy and where to put it. It's best to place that energy into something positive to keep you going rather than letting negativity overtake you and drain you out.

I wish it didn't take a second trip to the hospital to have me realize this but I guess if I never learned the hard way, it never would've made as much of an impact on me to break free from my own unhealthy mindset.

Now with the better place I am in now, I hope that my story and experiences can help others that want help in their own struggles they may have. I may not have a definitive solution for every situation but I can still lend a hand for those who want it however possible.

For those who read this that want help, I hope this does help you in some positive manner. After what I put myself through, I never want to see anyone else fall into that downward spiral like I once did. Anything I can do or anyone else can do to help is worth it.

I want to give a big thank you to my parents, my brother, my closest friends, old friends, the doctors and professionals that helped me, the many different concert goers I keep in touch with, and so many more for your love and support throughout not only this struggle I had in my life but throughout all the years spent with me. While it takes ones own decision to want to get better, I don't think I'd be where I am now without any of the help you've all provided along the way.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, help is always there. You just have to want it.

No matter how long it takes to have things better from it...

It's worth it.

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evanvanness · 5 years

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Annotated edition, Week in Ethereum News, March 15 issue

The number of EthCC attendees (for the record, most people I talk to now think the afterparty was the main spreading event) testing positive since I published the newsletter, even while many can’t get tested. So no caffeine or beer for me just in case I’m affected (though I left the afterparty very early), and that lack of caffeine is pulling me down just a little. This might be a low-energy, “please clap” Jeb annotated issue.

Eth1

Overlay method for hex to binary tree conversion

A summary of the post-EthCC Stateless Eth meetings. Renewed focus on sync, particularly getNodeData

A writeup post-stateless ETH summit after ethCC as well as a summary. Quiet times usually follow productive meetings, hence only 2 bullet points this week.

Eth2

Latest Eth2 call. Notes from Ben and Mamy. Phase 1 prototyping coming soon

Latest phase0 spec v0.11, the target for stable multi-client testnet

Ben Edgington’s notes from networking call

Nimbus client update – interop this month, discussion around constraints of running eth2 client on mobile devices

Two phase2 ethresearch posts: Appraisal of Non-sequential Receipt Cross-shard Transactions and Atomic Cross Shard Function Calls using System Events, Live Parameter Checking, & Contract Locking

Vitalik’s Using polynomial commitments to replace state roots, though this is not likely to hit the current roadmap. More context from listening to Justin Drake and Vitalik Buterin on Zero Knowledge

So my current estimate (completely my own) is that we’re likely looking at late q2 for phase0 launch. But who knows, maybe getting locked down will provide a small speedup? <wry grin>

I continue to think that by far the most important thing after shipping phase 0 is turning off proof of work. Stop wasting electricity! Cut issuance!

Stuff for developers

Solidity v0.6.4

A storage layout for proxy contracts taking advantage of Solidity v0.6.4

EthGlobal’s survey of Eth developers

10x smaller Javascript signer/verifier

Interacting with Ethereum using a shell through Incubed ultra-light client

Groth16 bellman proof verifier

Templates with pre-filled contract ABIs, addresses and subgraphs for Aave, Compound, Sablier, Uniswap

Prysmatic’s service registry pattern in Go

Implementing Merkle Trees and Patricia Tries in Node.js

Pipline onchain interpreted language vid

Austin Griffith vid on wallet module for eth.build

OpenZeppelin points out that a malicious deployer can backdoor your Gnosis Safe

SmartBugs: framework for executing Solidity automated analysis tools, with an academic paper comparing tool performance

I probably should’ve added that your Gnosis Safe is always safe if you used the official front end of the mobile app.

Crypto carnage, Maker liquidations

Thursday’s global selloff of risk assets led to the most negative price action day of crypto’s short history. The selloff inflated gas prices (~200 gwei) which caused trouble for Maker. The Maker oracles stopped working for an hour or two.

Maker liquidation auctions went off for nearly 0 DAI as bots bidding on those auctions got caught in high gas prices and ran out of DAI, leading several different bot maintainers to make ~8m USD in ETH by bidding just above zero in a few disparate time periods.

As a result, the Maker system surplus became a 5.7m Dai deficit (as of the time of publication). To improve incentives, Maker governance changed some parameters and to recoup the debt MKR will be auctioned onchain for lots of 50,000 Dai on the morning (UTC) of March 19th.

Community members have started a backstop to ensure the deficit is covered

Here is a writeup of the Maker liquidations with data and graphs

Just published: Maker governance proposal to change DSR to 0 and Stability Fee to 0.5%, GSM to 4 hours, and a decentralized circuitbreaker for auctions

An interesting thing I just learned is that Maker’s standard keeper apparently only works in Parity, not with Geth or Infura. So that’s another ramification of the Kovan/Rinkeby split, and getting Maker to use Kovan.

In the meantime, USDC has been added as a collateral. It’s rather strange but USDC perhaps makes sense as a way to mint DAI in times of stress and get closer to the peg. Seems like the Stability Fee should be set high here though, as you really only want people using it in times of needing Dai, eg in auctions. Right now it’s 20%, i’m not sure that’s as high as it should be.

This newsletter doesn’t often mention price and market-related matters. But it’s quite clear that crypto is not a safe haven in crisis. Could it be in the future? Perhaps, but all the hedge funds and institutional money simply exacerbate volatility. Where we’re at is that when people wanted to take risk off the table, they viewed crypto as a risk asset - and Bitcoin got hit the hardest because it had survived the best in crypto winter, despite there being no reason whatsoever for it to have done the best.

Ecosystem

Prysmatic’s Raul Jordan: Eth2 is happening, it is shipping, and we’re going to make it a reality no matter what

EthIndia’s online hackathon winners

DuneAnalytic’s stats for smart contract wallets

4GB DAG size and potential hashrate impact

So far, 9 attendees of EthCC have tested positive for COVID-19

A fun parlor game: what will be the next big ETH event? Devcon? Or something before, or something after? I think we’re going to see a lot more online hackathons - and probably more sponsorship dollars for them. Perhaps more sponsorship fiat for newsletter subscriptions too?

Raul’s post on eth2 was the most clicked of the week.

Enterprise

End to end transport layer security with Hyperledger Besu v1.4

DAML now available on Besu

Paul Brody talks Baseline Protocol on Into the Ether

How Citi and ConsenSys use Ethereum for commodities trade finance

Nice komgo writeup. Also interesting to see that the bet of Besu seems to be paying off with enterprise privatechain stuff like DAML even on Besu.

Governance, DAOs, and standards

Livepeer’s proposed governance roadmap

SingularDTV announces snglsDAO Foundation for their media protocol press release

Aragon removes AGP voting for ANT holders

What DAOs can learn from the Swedish Pirate Party

How to quickly create your own DAOstack DAO

FakerDAO – pool your MKR to sell votes to highest bidder

Governance as a whole has probably been one of Ethereum’s weak points. Not as bad as governance-by-Blockstream, but still not great. People don’t turn out to vote so direct voting doesn’t work (to wit, Aragon removing voting which was the only use for ANT) - and yet one of the solutions for people not voting actually penalizes people for voting, as I’ve found out in DxDAO. I’m hopeful for some of the solutions but to date long-term governance of everything is mostly an unsolved issue.

Application layer

Numerai’s ErasureBay live on mainnet. A marketplace for any kind of information, where the buyer can slash the seller if they don’t like the information

DeFiSaver’s 1click transaction CDP closing using flashloans

Gnosis’ Gibraltar-regulated Sight political markets are live

Update on Augur v2. tldr: it’s close

Balancer’s code is open source

bZx’s mea culpa post mortem of the attacks. They also paid 1inch the full bug bounty two weeks ago.

Bluestone fixed rate loans and deposits, live on Rinkeby testnet

Maker’s Dai Gaming Initiative

VirtuePoker’s final beta launches March 16th

HavenSocial, a web3 alternative to Facebook where you own your own data

Nice to see people are still trying to build social media alternatives. The idea of building a better Facebook is definitely an enthralling one - yet not one that Ethereum has even come close to delivering.

Same with games - we’ve been talking about tokens/NFTs on ETH being a big thing in games for awhile. Nothing has quite hit it (let’s be honest, CryptoKitties was just a different flavor of ICO mania) but I think Skyweaver might.

My usual ex-post metric of seeing how much of this section is DeFi: 10 bullet points, depending on how you count you could say it’s 4 to ~8.

Tokens/Business/Regulation

David Hoffman: Ethereum as emergent structure

USDC: programmable dollars with business accounts and APIs

Uniswap volume is now tracked on Coinmarketcap

wBTC passes Lightning Network in value locked up

Matthew Green: US congressional bill EARN IT is a direct attack on e2e encryption

Mass panic like with Corona is always a perfect moment to add bills on as riders to must-pass bills, so look for anti-encryption hawks to try to do this in the name of “safety.” Maybe even to bailout bills.

Kinda interesting to see CMC finally add Uniswap volume. They’ve been quite slow to add dexes generally; it seems like Bitcoiners often have a hard time adjusting to decentralization when they’ve been used to all the centralized BTC tradeoffs.

And Circle is now all-in on USDC. From Santander prototype at Devcon2 to $600m now printed, and this doesn’t even count Tether belatedly realizing that BTC was a terrible choice to secure Tether.

General

Contribute computing cycles to fight COVID-19

Stay private in DeFi with email

Brave’s nightly release features random browser fingerprints per session

Load Value Injection attack on Intel SGX

Jacobians of hyperelliptic curves explainer from Alan Szepieniec

Ryan Sean Adams’ “how to” on using ProtonMail or equivalent is the 2nd most clicked, showing how he’s one of the most important people in Ethereum right now. He takes concepts them and popularizes them.

The random browser fingerprints is huge, and a big step up in privacy.

Meanwhile if you have 2gb or 3gb GPUs, you can fold some proteins which may have an impact on COVID-19. I’m always skeptical, but it seems likely to be worth the cost. Especially if you’re like me and get super cheap electricity in Texas through GridPlus! Crypto is not cancelled in Texas.

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thisislizheather · 6 years

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February Feats

So happy that February flew by this year, although with no snow in New York it felt a little sacrilegious. I think this has been the least snow I’ve ever experienced in a winter in my life and it feels awful. There’s still a few weeks left of the season, so I guess that could change but I mean snow in March? Give me a break. Here’s what went down this month.

NATHAN DID THE TONIGHT SHOW! And it was amazing. So crazy proud. I got to go with him to 30 Rock and everyone was so nice and it was incredible.

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I rewatched As Good As It Gets and what a terrible movie! No way in hell would Helen Hunt get together with Jack Nicholson. C’mon.

I started watching The Haunting of Hill House and I don’t think I’ll continue. Reasons? 1. I don’t think I like horror shows. Movies? Sure, that’s a fun time with an end date of a few hours. 2. What awful parents would keep their millions of children in a house like that? 3. Maybe it was a bad idea to start this in February, when it’s nowhere near spooky season, that might be my fault.

Saw Happy Death Day 2U with Nathan on Valentine’s Day because I wanted to see something and WOOF, what a nightmare of a movie. I knew it would be terrible, but it still shocked me.

Read Ellie Kemper’s latest book.

Finally caught up to the end of season four on Broad City and goddam is that a perfect show. Excited to start season five soon.

I rebought Essie’s Apricot Cuticle Oil because I used to love it and then finished it and forgot about it. It’s such a great product but you do have to use it at least semi-daily to see a real difference in your cuticles.

Went to Charlie Palmer Steak for a Restaurant Week lunch and even though the environment is kind of stuffy, the food was really good. I love when pasta is offered as an appetizer, it’s always the perfect amount. The tagliatelle was really good and the steak sandwich was great (if not a little too bread-y). That sandwich is also the “official sandwich of Madison Square Garden” which everyone tells you a thousand times upon entering the restaurant, so that’s something too, I guess?

CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHOW TO COME OUT mainly because of how amazing the book is. Airs March 15!

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Love that Trader Joe’s keeps putting out new candle scents. The Lemon Cookie one is fantastic.

Loved the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special. Obviously over the moon pleased that the lady bug was in it.

So I tried Ree Drummond’s Caesar salad dressing recipe and I wasn’t a huge fan of her dressing itself (Teigen’s dressing is better but of course it is because of the mayo), BUT I loved the way she does her croutons. They turn out really crunchy on the outside, but still super soft on the inside, it’s genius and I’ll include how to do it below.

Ree Drummond’s Croutons recipe: Slice the (French or ciabatta) bread into thick slices and cut them into 1-inch cubes. Throw them onto a baking sheet. Heat some olive oil in a small saucepan or skillet over low heat. Crush-but don't chop-the garlic and add them to the oil. Use a spoon to move the garlic around in the pan. After 3 to 5 minutes, turn off the heat and remove the garlic from the pan. Slowly drizzle the olive oil over the bread cubes. Mix together with your hands, and then sprinkle lightly with salt. Toss and cook in the pan until golden brown and crisp. Add a little butter for more flavor.

Honestly, those croutons were so good that I had a few leftover that I put in a pappardelle tomato pasta the next day and… whoa. Have you ever put croutons in a pasta before? Holy fuck was it good. The crunch factor in an otherwise texture-less dish was unbelievable. How is this not a thing that everyone is doing? We all need to wake the fuck up.

I also made Ina Garten’s cauliflower toast and my god, IT WAS AMAZING.

A new bar opened in my neighborhood called The Huntress, so we went and it’s pretty good! It’s mostly a wings places and they were really tasty (and that’s coming from someone who does not enjoy wings - the bones are too tiny and gross and no thanks), but these were really good. They also have poutine (!) on the menu, and even though the gravy is much too salty, the beautifully authentic curds were appreciated.

I always forget about the one bottle of Tom Ford nail polish I have, but it lasts me a full week whenever I wear it. I mean, the price is stupid, but it does last a decent amount of time.

Have you heard of the site or the book Desserts For Two? Pretty self-explanatory, but it’s created by a woman who makes recipes specifically for two people. I tried her chocolate cake recipe for Valentine’s Day and it was delicious. The cake was so good, but I really didn’t care for her frosting, if you do try this one definitely find a better icing recipe online or better yet just buy the premade one they sell at grocery stores. Or even just top it with Nutella. Fuck, I’m hungry now.

Watched all of Difficult People and I mean… SUCH a great show, which everyone obviously knows by now, it just took me awhile to finally get there and see it. Other than it being a great show, I was completely in awe of Julie Klausner’s wardrobe. I wanted everything she wore.

This Lemon, Bacon, Kale, Cauliflower pasta blew my face off, I made it three days in a row.

I rewatched a lot of the last season (spoilers ahead) of Dawson’s Creek (does it sound like a don’t have a job? I do! I just don’t work very hard) and when Jen dies and then Grams says to her, “I’ll see you soon, child. Soon.” I fucking sobbed. BUCKETS. My god. I mean, see for yourself. (And if your reaction isn’t quite as strong as mine… look inside yourself, maybe.)

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I have wanted to try this Serious Eats potato recipe forever so I did and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. Some of the potatoes turned out the way they were supposed to, but you’re really supposed to do this technique with a real oven and not a tiny convection one like I have. The few that came out the way they were supposed to were really good and crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, but the effort involved in this recipe was too next-level. Maybe as a Thanksgiving recipe it’d make sense?

I watched the Versace series on Netflix and holy heavenly fuck, it’s a bad one. I only lasted about three episodes before I just couldn’t go any further. SO terrible.

Had a slice at Scarr’s in the Lower East Side and it was very decent, definitely one of the most solid pepperoni slices in that area. UPDATE: Definitely don’t go late at night, they’ve been sitting around all day and they suuuuuuck right before closing.

I now know how to make a steak at home and there’s no turning back now. I’ve been forever intimidated by cooking steak at home because it seemed like such a hard thing to do properly. (I did it once a few years ago and, like, tripled the amount of cream sauce I put on top and felt so sick I didn’t ever want to do it again.) But I did it on two separate occasions this month and I think I’m maybe kind of a pro at it now? This Tasty video helped so much. The only tip I can offer is to use normal salt and not the course kosher salt that I did on steak #1, that baby was inedible because of that course salt. Oh! And for the sauce that you obviously have to serve your steak with, it’s best to grind your own peppercorns in a spice grinder. I don’t know why, but I feel like this was the most important step. I have a lot of steak thoughts. I’ll stop.

I tried the tacos at Empellon Al Pastor in the East Village and while they were pretty good, I found them slightly on the expensive side for a place on Avenue A. We can all calm down a bit.

I visited Sweet Moment in Chinatown for a latte and it was a pretty cute experience even if the service was a little salty. If we’re being real, people only come here because Instagram exists, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The cream art choco latte that I had was ridiculous good, which makes sense because I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just melted chocolate in a cup.

I visited the Glossier flagship store again because I was in the neighborhood and I (finally) tried out their Boy Brow. And let’s get this straight, I tried it on even though I already had other eyebrow products on (ColourPop’s Brow Boss Pencil as well as a little Milani Easybrow) which was maybe a dumb idea, but I didn’t want to wipe my eyebrows off and try the Glossier one incase it sucked and then had to walk around the rest of the day looking like a psychopath. SO, that being said, here’s what it looked like using all three products.

They look pretty full, right? I kind of think too full. I don’t know, maybe I’m a maniac. I should’ve done a before and after photo, not just an after. I just don’t see the big deal about their products. I feel like every item Glossier sells is something you need to use in combination with something else so it’ll actually look like something’s working. In conclusion, I have no idea if this is a good product or not and that’s really irritating, even to me.

Chrissy Teigen just announced that she’s gonna start her own website with new recipes! Amazing news!

I ate the pepperoni slice at Mama’s Too on the Upper West Side and all the good reviews about it ain’t lying. Crazy good slices. Might even be better than Prince Street Pizza.

I tried the mini Thickening Spray from Bumble & Bumble in my continued attempt at hair domination (and may I suggest that you always buy the mini size of any new hair product you’re trying? It makes so much more sense and is much cheaper) and it worked out well! I’ve only used it once but I think it’s a good product, next time I’ll definitely try it on my roots as well to see what it can really do. UPDATE: Definitely don’t spray it on your roots, it works much better if you use it sparsely on the rest of your hair when damp.

I saw Waitress on Broadway and just wow. I haven’t been to a show in years and I forgot how much fun they are. This one was absolutely no exception. I went because a friend of mine that I met at the restaurant is in it, so I went to see her and not only was she phenomenal (Jessie Hooker-Bailey), the entire show was incredible. Joey McIntyre was great. Also? They had these mini pies for sale at intermission (genius) and the Salted Caramel Chocolate Pie is literally reason enough to go see this show. I need that recipe and I need it badly.

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A post shared by Liz Heather (@lizheather) on Feb 28, 2019 at 9:13pm PST

I finally ate at Sardi’s (which is something I’ve wanted to do for years) and sat at (in my opinion) the best corner booth under Dr. Ruth. And while I wish I had more to gush about, I… don’t. Ugh! I really think I just ordered bad. I only got the steak tartare and it was probably the most disappointing one I’ve ever had, which sucks considering it was also the most expensive. I knew I should’ve ordered the crab cake. That being said, I will definitely return mainly because the service was so impeccable that you’d have to return. Everyone was crazy nice and accommodating and pleasant, this one is just my fault I think. Also, I need to stop ordering streak tartare. I’ve already found the place that makes it the best (The Dutch) so why the hell am I still looking? I feel like a happily married man who can’t stop looking for something better to come along. STOP!

HELLO BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR, MARCH!

#February Feats #monthly post #this is liz heather #Liz Heather #pizza NYC

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leaveharmony · 7 years

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@yungcrybby-anonymousbosch Consider me near rambled out :) 1. How old were you when you first started watching?

I wish I could answer that with 100% accuracy. I know for certain I was by 1990 (8 years old), but, if my earliest memory is correct and not a falsely-implanted one than it would have been as early as 1986 (4 or so). Probably I was casually aware of it as a very young child and then slowly got more fanatic about it (this might have coincided with the first real meteoric rise of WWF / more available programming).

2. What company or companies did you watch? Early-on it was exclusively WWF, I'd say around 1998 I started occasionally tuning into WCW.

3. What is your earliest wrestling memory? I would swear up and and down that I remember Hogan and King Kong Bundy in the blue steel cage at Wrestlemania 2. I used to watch wrestling with my grandfather (pop pop) at my grandparent's house, I remember they had a textured green carpet at the time and I'd lay on the floor...I swear, that I remember at least some of the extended family going there to watch WM2. But nobody else can tell me if this actually happened. If not, then I very clearly remember one of Jake Robert's snakes biting Randy Savage, in the ring (1991?). I definitely remember the brief time before the Undertaker's first face turn. And I very vaguely recall everybody being really excited when Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant (WM3, 1987). 4. What attracted you to wrestling? Mmm...I really don't know. There's sort of a chicken and the egg aspect to it, I'm not sure I could pin down exactly why I gravitated towards anything as a child, but wrestling is even harder to figure out. Pop pop used to get quite involved with it and we didn't really have a lot in common, so that might have been part of it. Conversely, my parents were openly mocking about it, so, it might have also been a touch of my old tendency to be fiercely contrary. I can def. tell you that the Texas Tornado was one of my favs because of all the fringes on his boots, and I liked the Ultimate Warrior's facepaint and all of Flair's glittery robes, and the like...so bright colours and pageantry might have had something to do with it. And I was nuts about Miss Elizabeth in all her dated finery lol. Big-boom 80's/early 90's WWF was certainly geared towards kids and I was right in that target audience. 5. What is your favorite aspect of wrestling? I've always been attracted to characters more than plots, yunno? In books or films, or series, if I like enough of the characters I'll stick with it even if the plotting is kinda terrible. So I think it's just the personalities and people, tbh. For a very long time I wondered if I'd ever been a -wresting fan- or just an -Undertaker fan-, a question I can now answer with the former, but, it's the wrestlers I'm fondest of that keep me involved, I think. 6. What do you think the general public gets wrong about wrestling? “They don't really get hurt” would be my number one pet peeve misconception. My father, for instance, would be one of those guys JR was loudly denouncing during HitC/KotR 1998 who would completely sincerely say “Yeah, but they know how to fall.” after watching a man fall 13ft through a table onto a concrete floor. Which is why I would never watch it anywhere near him. 7. Do you have any friends who also watch wrestling? There's you! :D I have more now than I used to, I was a solitary practitioner for a long time. Now I'd say as many as five, anyway...and I've converted my mother lol. 8. Did you eventually start watching other companies? A very limited bit of WCW (1998-the end of the company)..I would sometimes turn it over during commercial breaks in Raw/Smackdown. I watched some TNA (whenever they got the deal w/ Spike TV -2006 or so when I couldn't stand looking at Jeff Jarrett anymore). 9. What has kept you interested wrestling? Every single time I've stopped watching and returned, the return was because of the Undertaker. He’d be the catalyst to the reaction which would follow... 10. Are you interested in any other wrestling companies? Gateway-drugged by Shinsuke, I'm currently consuming as much NJPW as is possible by one single mortal human being on a linear timeline. 11. What, if any, barriers are there to you watching other wrestling companies you’re interested in? Availability, relative ignorance and time constraints, I suppose? It's sort of...akin to jumping into a longrunning comic series with no sense of the history of the lore. Can be a little bit overwhelming and I think I'd have to do promotions one at a time. It was different with NJPW and Shinsuke, because I knew at least one face and name so I had a jumping off point, and then through his matches -with- other people, came to know others as well. I took notes! 12. Have you ever been to a live wrestling show? Yep! I think my first house show was in 1993? in a hockey arena in Sudbury, Ontario. My second was in 1999 at the Skydome in Toronto. My third was last summer at Ricoh Colliseum in Toronto, then last November I attended Takeover: Toronto and Survivor Series both at the ACC in Toronto, followed by another house show in March (Ricoh again). 13. Have you ever been to a local wrestling company’s shows? Oddly no! There's a promotion that sometimes did shows in my old highschool's gym but I never actually went - probably because I had nobody to go with. 14. Do you tell others (friends, acquaintances) that you’re a wrestling fan? Why or why not? Historically it would depend on the person - there was a lot of indefensible stuff going on in the Attitude Era and I think it pretty justifiably coloured public perception of wrestling fans, so, sometimes saying it outright was bracing for an argument. Now I've got zero shame about it - I'm a lifer, I've accepted it. 15. Aside from wrestling, what other fandoms are you involved in? That kind of depends on your idea of “involved in,” as I tend to stay fairly quiet. But to limit the answer to things I've actively posted about and discussed on Tumblr (within the past year or so), the brief rundown would be Star Trek (DS9), Fallout 4, the Dragon Age series, and Mass Effect. 16. Where does wrestling rank among your other fandoms? It's currently sitting at a pretty smug #1 but these things do fluctuate. 17. What Is your least favorite thing about wrestling? The target audience doesn't do it many favors, if you consider the target audience to have shifted during the attitude era to mean “Entitled straight white men aged 13-35.” Them being pandered/catered to was responsible for a lot of the things I found off-putting. To some extent, those things have gone by the wayside in WWE due to public trading/sponsorship (I'm not for a second gonna credit them with ‘shifting attitudes’). Misogyny, objectification, racism, homophobia, ableism, etc. In those respects it's at least less cringeworthy than it used to be, but sometimes there's backsliding...I find the jingoism in American-based pro wrestling very irritating, as well. 18. What is the first imagine or concept that comes to mind when you think about wrestling? It's funny, but no matter how many times they've changed the colours over the years, I still picture the ring with a red top rope, a white middle rope, and a blue bottom rope. 19. What do you wish wrestling had more of? In other words, what is lacking from wrestling that you wish were present? Does “Thought put into it” count? lol. Honestly most of the criticisms I'd level at wrestling would actually be directed at WWE. One of the reasons I'm enjoying NJPW so much is it just makes so much more logical sense from a booking standpoint and there's so much less fiddling around with awkward scripted ‘sketches’ and forced drama. WWE books like a bad reality show whose megalomaniac scripters are passed out in a table full of cocaine and money, so trains of thought don't actually reach the station. 20. Grievances? Anything that bugs you about wrestling or the way it is presented? Commercial breaks on the WWE Network? Teasing that a certain someone was “up next” but only showing a video package?” Hahahahaha is it possible this question was inspired by Recent Disappointments? XD Again, a lot of this would be directed at WWE. Commercial breaks during matches, god, I can't even tell you how wrongheaded that is. It completely takes me out of the story; I remember when it hardly ever happened, and when it did JR would apologize profusely for it, but now you've got a match with 2 or 3 commercial breaks in the middle of it, if it's something I'm only passingly interested in sometimes I've forgotten who's even in the ring by the time we get back to the action. It's the equivalent of a drama going to commercial while somebody's in the middle of a sentence, and returning after they've finished making their point. And again, with poor damned planning and stubborn refusal to accept criticism or feedback. Time was, if something went over like a lead balloon, it'd be reworked or tweaked or dropped altogether, but now...if it's something they want to happen badly enough they'll stick with a plan no matter how disastrously stupid or actively harmful to their own interests it is. I'm thinking specifically of the idiocy that is having a man hold your top title who will /maybe/ show up five more times this entire year, so he can drop it to a man 80% of the audience has absolutely no interest in seeing whatsoever, in a match that will probably be terrible. Oddly, sometimes we have the same problem in the opposite direction - being dead set on an idea while simultaneously waffling on committing to it; consider the repeated delay of Eva Marie's “debut match” which went on over a month, culminated in her being suspended offscreen, and likely her retirement from active competition. Also the entire debacle with “Emmalina,” wherein the writers were 100% behind the idea of changing Emma's gimmick apparently without even once consulting Emma about whether she was comfortable with the new direction. Similiarly the endless -promo videos- for the Shining Stars, and Darren Young's reboots...lengthy wait times followed by lacklustre debuts followed by essentially, no actual plan for any of them. (and yes, there is an unspoken fear here related to Recent Disappointments, I’m sure it’s shared) 21. And finally, anything you’d like to add to this questionnaire? *thinks a moment* Shinsuke is the bees knees. That's all. 22. How active are you in the online wrestling community? Not at all or do you occasionally visit wrestling forums and message boards? Do you read wrestling newsletters or listen to podcasts?Once upon a time I will admit to being a member of the “Brides of Kane,” and that's all the information you're getting on the subject lol. I've been delighted to find an active community on tumblr, as it turns out it's more fun to watch / bitch about wresting in company. I check the news sites daily - this is always true when I'm watching.And I occasionally give Jericho's podcast a listen, or run through some of Xavier's gaming videos.

#Rasslin'#ACADEMIC rasslin'#long post

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annakie · 8 years

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In Cars, Part II

When last we left our person, she was unable to remember much about a Kia.

I was closing in on paying the Kia Spectra off when I got a huge bug in my brain in 2005 or so about getting a new, better car because I’d gotten a big raise at work and could afford it. I didn’t need a new car, but I wanted one. I spent a long time looking at cars when Stephen suggested that I look at the Acura RSX, as he was a mechanic at the time and really liked that car.

I fell in love instantly. This was the car I’d been looking for. Beautiful design, sleek interior, really speedy, especially in the RSX-S model, which only came in standard. I knew I had to have one.

So for months I waited for an RSX-S to go on the market, that I could afford (so, a few years old) in the color that I wanted (Pearl white with tan interior).

A couple of times I found one I could afford, in a color I could compromise on, only for it to be gone before I could get to the dealer, or contact the seller. Someone in the building that I worked in already had one (though not a -S, and in the wrong color), and every day I walked past it on my way into work, and took a moment to linger, and sigh.

I lost out on like the third near-perfect car in the last six months, and was close to giving up when mom had a brilliant idea, as she often does.

“Why don’t you look in San Antonio, and Houston, and, I don’t know, a five hundred mile radius, instead of just in Dallas?”

An hour later, I was e-mailing with a guy selling his 2003 pearl white RSX-S, with under 20k miles, and tan interior in Houston.

We settled on a price, pending inspection, I got the financing together, and bought a plane ticket on Wednesday. On Saturday, a friend drove me to the airport.

That plane ride was terrible. It was, by far, the worst turbulence I’ve ever witnessed. And there was a Southwest Photographer onboard who was supposed to take pictures for their in-flight magazine, who I doubt got anything good because a good 1/3rd of the cabin ended up using their doggie bags. The guy sitting in the middle seat next to me and I ended up making a pact.

“If you don’t barf, I won’t barf.”

He agreed. After a particularly gut-wrenching drop we clasped hands, for most of the rest of the 45-minute plane ride. When we got off the plane, we laughed, hugged and said goodbye. Sadly, he didn’t ask for my number.

But that’s ok. Acura guy, who was sad to let his RSX-S go but he and his wife were having another kid, met me at the airport, we went to the bank, I gave him money, he gave me keys and a car title, and I had a six hour drive back home, which is one of my fondest memories of many.

It had not only AC, but a tape deck and a 6-disc CD player and a sport-tuned suspension that put everything I’d ever driven in my life up to that point to shame.

That car was my baby. My precious. I named her Pearl. Not a thing did it need that I didn’t provide. I parked it in the back row of the parking lot at work where it was an unspoken but very strict rule that you always leave a space in between yourself and the next car over (there was an entire double row that was always sparsely populated ahead of us.) Every bit of scheduled maintenance was performed like clockwork.

Best memory: Aside from the initial drive home, I took several other trips in it around the state. Oh, and the several times dudes 10 years younger than me would stop me to talk about my car, and how much they wanted one, and ask to look at it, sit in it, etc. Every day I drove that car it brought me joy. It’s hard to pick just a thing or two.

I got my RSX-S in March of 2005. I paid it off by March of 2009.

If not for October 29th, 2009, I think I would have driven that car at least a full 10 years. Maybe I’d still be driving it today.

So there I was, a day like any other day, on the way to work. I was driving north up the 3-lanes each way major street near my house. At the second light, I always have a choice, to turn left or go straight. It takes roughly the same amount of time to get to the freeway I’m headed to either way. I usually split it about 50/50 with whether or not I turn, depending on what the cars in the left lane are doing, and if I’ll have to sit through the light an extra time.

That day, a lady in an old beater cut across 2 lanes, nearly hit me, and got in the left turn lane just in front of me.

I could have made the left turn if she hadn’t done that, but I was mad, and didn’t want to deal with her, and could make the light if I didn’t turn, so I didn’t. I went straight.

About a block later, a gigantic white mass appeared in front of me. A Dodge Ram. Who’s owner was talking on his cell phone, didn’t check for oncoming traffic properly, and pulled out of the residential neighborhood he’d been in, directly in front of me.

I had a split second to react, not nearly enough time, it happened really fast. I tried to head into the oncoming lane’s left turn lane, as it was clear, but the Ram couldn’t stop in time, and I ended up smashing the front-left side of my car into the driver’s side front tire area of his car.

I remember the crunch, and then white, then black, then screaming. Who’s annoying screaming is that? Oh it’s my screaming. Why am I screaming? Because pain. Also, because I don’t want to open my eyes. Because if I open my eyes, all of this becomes reality and then I have to face the damage that this idiot caused my car.

The second I opened my eyes, I knew it was a total loss. Like there was no doubt. Both the airbags had gone off. The windshield was a spider’s web. The car didn’t even have power anymore. I have pictures, it still pains me to look at them.

I still kept screaming, as the guy who hit me jumped out of his Ram (I didn’t hit his door at all) and, panicking, started asking me if I was all right.

I yelled at him that I didn’t know, furious, and also, because I just didn’t know. All I knew was I was going to be late for work and I didn’t have a car anymore.

Pearl was dead.

The ambulance arrived, and I was checked out, and after the adrenaline wore off I was not seriously hurt (except for a shoulder injury that sidelined me for a year, and still acts up.)

I’d almost always driven with the sunroof open, I loved a sunroof. Sadly, for me, as the battery was pretty much squished and kaput, my car was without power, the sunroof was open and it rained a good chunk of that day. The next day when I went to get my stuff out of my car, most of what had been left in it was ruined.

The other guy’s insurance accepted responsibility right away. I got a check for $12.5k (the adjustor said that she’d never seen such a perfect looking 6 year old car, except for you know, all the damage), and I had 7 days of rental car left.

I was in a daze, and in a lot of pain, and couldn’t find a damn RSX-S in Dallas, and was in no condition to do the fly-and-drive thing since, after trying it out in a friends car, realized I couldn’t even shift anyway with my injured shoulder.

I sobbed for a good ten minutes when I realized that I had to get an automatic.

I didn’t know what to get. I wanted to research and test drive and compare and find something I could love as much as I loved my RSX-S. But there wasn’t time.

“I love our Honda Accord,” Dad said. “It’s affordable and safe and speedy if you get the six cylinder and they have a sport model.”

In too much pain to argue or put much thought into it, I searched online for some nice Honda Accords with a V6 and a sporty look, and found a couple. I basically stumbled out of a Honda dealership with a gray 2007 Accord EX-L wth a spoiler and all the bells and whistles of that year on it.

That car was... okay. It was fine. It was whatever. I liked the V6, the leather trim. I hated the size. It felt huge. And then I’d soon realized that I got a 2 door and with my friends all in their 30′s nobody wanted to get in and out of that thing, with the seats being so low to the ground anyway. It was a huge car that only I ever rode in. I could probably count the number of times I had other people in that car with me on my fingers and toes. By far, my most frequent passenger would be Cebu. And when he started declining over the last year, it started to be a real problem for him to get in and out of, too.

All the bells and whistles in 2007 did not include Bluetooth. Nor any other way to easily connect it to say, a phone. I was OK with it, the 6-disc CD changer was fine, for awhile. And then I got really into podcasts, so in like 2014 I put in a cheapo after-market stereo system that had both a USB port for phone charging and bluetooth.

Two or three years ago, on my way home from work, a lady in a lane that was stopped / slow wanted into my much faster lane, didn’t properly check her mirrors, and sideswiped me. It was cosmetic damage, and it sucked, but wasn’t too hard to deal with.

Within a year or two after getting that Accord I started dreaming of getting rid of it and getting back into an Acura. Or at least something better, and smaller. Especially once I became unhappy with the stereo system and it started showing signs of wear. I had to put a new starter motor in it.

Every year or so, for about a month, for the last half-dozen years, I’d swear to myself it was time to get a new car. For various reasons, I never pulled the trigger, sighing and resigning myself to continue in a car who’s dark gray exterior felt like it influenced how I felt about it. Meh.

I had that car for eight years.

Since not long after I started my current job, my co-workers have been teasing me about getting a new car. Poking and prodding me about it. We work within a mile of an Acura dealership and several times they’ve joked about dropping me off there, and a couple times drove me through the parking lot. I always explained to them how financially, it wasn’t the right thing to do at the time. I had to be practical.

I wanted to be able to afford it. Especially in 2015 there was no way. I chose to travel that year. A lot.

In the last few months, my Accord has started getting worse. Making noises. rattles, suspicious groans. It also hit 100,000 miles. (It had 40k when I got it, I’ve put less than 8 on it every year.)

I’ve watched the KBB value depreciate. And several times in the last few months I’ve taken my car to the mechanic and looked at what was wrong with it.

I don’t know if I got a lemon of an Accord or what, but, tbh, the repairs were starting to stack up, both what I got fixed and what I hadn’t, plus the maintenance. I had enough.

Part three soon. I have some pictures to take.

#personal post tag thingy #cars

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