#My own inability to be vulnerable with myself

[backpackingspace]

my Brian is playing oh you're not like that traumatized you're literally fine lying games with me again as if??? I haven't had ptsd since I was 11?? As if I was not literally psychologically tortured?? As if I was not talking literally yesterday to my therapist about how healing has never once gone right for me and to have my current injuries healing well and fast makes me feel Ike I was lying about its original severity???

[warrioreowynofrohan]

As the latest round of Dracula Daily is about to begin, some reflections on last year’s Tumblr Book Club of it. Fair warning for new readers - this has spoilers for the book.

I’ve loved the novel of Dracula for years, so I was both excited to see how other people on tumblr reacted to it, and nervous that they wouldn’t like it. It was delightful to see people embrace the books amd the characters, and realize how different they were from common tropes and adaptations - and wonderful to see how enthusiastically they dove into context that I’d never thought about before, like the Aerated Bread Company.

One of the things that struck me the most, though, was the reaction to Lucy. I’d largely regarded her simply as a literary contrast to Mina - passive and valued for ‘purity’ and sweetness rather than active and valued for talents and abilities and achievements, the Victorian woman compared with the Edwardian one. And I’d expected tumblr to largely dismiss her as an image of sterotypical Victorian femininity. What I had not expected was for readers to enthusiastically embrace and rally round her and empathize powerfully with her as a sufferer from chronic illness - a characterization that is accurate, but that had never occurred to me in my frustrations with Victorian ideas of female frailty and the era-common trope of the ‘ill girl’. People’s empathy and frustration with Lucy “not wanting to be a burden”, anger as her sufferings went unseen, and satisfaction at Van Helsing’s statement that “not to be all well is an illness” (paraphrased) showed how strongly she’d connected with people who had experienced patronizing attitudes or disregard from the present-day medical community.

In summer of 2021, I’d acquired a chronic illness that left me feeling weak and very easily tired, which was a new and frightening experience to me; I was frightened of what things I wouldn’t be able to do, and frustrated with my inability to meet my previous standards, particularly in terms of my work. By May 2022 I was very much on the mend (I was fortunate to have a diagnosis and prescription process much faster and smoother than many other people with chronic illness), but seeing how people reacted to Lucy still affected me strongly. I’d loved Mina - intelligent, active, contributing Mina - since my first read of Dracula. I didn’t dislike Lucy, but I didn’t care much for her beyond her literary role as a contrast. Seeing tumblr fall in love with her in all her vulnerability helped me see her in a new way, to be more compassionate and empathetic to her - and in consequence, more compassionate towards myself in my own weakness. And I want to thank all the Dracula Daily readers for that.

[gatheringbones]

[“I told my mother I thought I might be trans in a lengthy and overly apologetic email, which she didn’t quite know how to respond to. From her perspective, my transition had popped up out of nowhere, with no prior warning signs. She was convinced I had been brainwashed into transitioning, and agreed to meet my counsellor for a joint meeting with me, primarily to meet the person she felt had brainwashed her child into transitioning.

My mother describes her first meeting with me presenting as Laura as very difficult for her, due in no small part to her inability to see me as anything but her very traditionally masculine son in a dress. For a while she knew but did not talk to my father, which she found very difficult. She told me years later that she went through a period of mourning, feeling like her child had died, and that she was left with a stranger she did not know. It put a lot of strain on her, and on our relationship as parent and child.

Why the assumption I was brainwashed? Because of autism infantilisation.

Before we talk more about my journey coming out as transgender, we have to rewind a little bit to something else that went on at around the same point in my life: my diagnosis of Asperger’s. By the time my mother attended that appointment and met me as Laura for the first time, I had already been diagnosed with Asperger’s, which was part of the reason she was so worried about me. She was not aware of any statistical link between autism and gender dysphoria, and in her eyes I was a vulnerable young person with an autism spectrum condition who was being manipulated into transition because I was easily swayed, or lacking in ability to assess my feelings on the matter properly for myself. This is depressingly common: an adult’s assumption that having an autism spectrum condition means you’re incapable of proper self-understanding, or that you’re susceptible to being manipulated into believing things about yourself that you did not previously. You’re not trusted as being of sound mind to make choices about your own life, out of fear you’ve been manipulated.

Speaking to my mother years later, now she has somewhat settled down and got used to me going by Laura and female pronouns, she told me that her biggest fear, and the primary reason she agreed to attend that first joint session together, was that, as a youth with Asperger’s, my therapist was influencing me into believing that I was trans. She feared it was some kind of brainwashing that my gullible mind could not resist the allure of, rather than believing my own account of what I was experiencing.

I also faced this same issue with doctors when trying to access medical support through the NHS. I would have general practitioners, mental health doctors and gender specialists alike raise an eyebrow when I acknowledged my Asperger’s diagnosis, and then proceed to take plenty of extra time asking me lengthy questions about how my autism symptoms manifested, to ensure I was of sound enough mind to make permanent choices about my body. Apart from the obvious infantilisation of people with conditions like Asperger’s on display there, I always just explained it as being like the decision to get a tattoo. I am an adult, over the age of 18, who has been deemed sober and mentally sound, and as such I have every right to permanently inject colours into my skin that may never go away. Why should I not be trusted to take slow-acting meds that are somewhat easier to reverse? Still, the fact I had to fight to be believed that I was mentally sound enough to make that choice says a lot about misunderstandings about autism spectrum conditions, but highlights that to assert that transition is unique in the permanent nature of its change to the body is completely inaccurate.”]

laura kate dale, from uncomfortable labels: my life as a gay autistic trans woman

[greenerteacups]

Your Hermione (through Draco's loving, rose-tinted glasses) has been one of my favorites to read. He doesn't shy away from her faults but sees her qualities (intelligence! an appreciation for the rules but creativity around them! confidence! a touch - a gallon - of bossiness!) as strengths instead of the annoyances they sometimes appear to be through Harry's eyes in the original books.

You once wrote on your favorite and least favorite tropes for Draco. I'm curious, what are they for Hermione? Was she the character you saw yourself in in the books, or was that someone else?

And a million times over - thanks for creating such a rich, beautiful text. I've been reading fanfiction for 10 years, and this is one of my favorites.

Thank you so much! Hermione was my favorite character, and as a bookish, socially challenged kid, most definitely the one I saw myself in the most. She made it seem cool to work hard and try, which was not the vibe of my school at the time, and she was the character that I imprinted on. Honestly, it's cheesy, but she probably changed my life.

My favorite version of Hermione is probably "loving hierophant." I like her bossy, righteous, imperious, book-smart but stupid about people, and most of all, a wonderful, wonderful hypocrite. Hermione holds everyone to incredibly high standards, including herself. That means she believes in people intensely and gets cross at them easily when they disappoint her. She's sensitive about certain topics, especially the "not having friends" thing, but she hates the vulnerability it brings up, so she responds by getting defensive and redirecting attention to things she's good at, i.e. books and rules. This is also her reaction to vulnerability in general; Hermione needs to be In Control, and intimacy is the one area where that's literally impossible.

She's capable of observing her own faults in others much more easily than she is of observing them in herself; she'll criticize Harry and Ron for being tactless and then turn around and say something incredibly rude without blinking. This also applies to Harry's inability to pick his battles; Hermione's a little better than he is, but they both have different triggers, and she's not necessarily less bellicose than he is. (This doesn't stop her from lecturing him about a need to "be the hero" in OOTP, one of my all-time favorite Hermione Hypocrisy moments, because. Babygirl. Doctor, heal thyself.) She's scrappy and once she's engaged someone as an enemy, she fights with no holds barred; rules are for people who choose to play by them, and once someone breaks them, she's willing to open the umbrella of what she can do to deal with them. She doesn't have the most consistent moral code in the world! She's often inconsistent, and that's what's wonderful about her. She's a realistic depiction of a fifteen-year-old girl who cares just so fucking much, about everything, all the time, and is furious and desperate and passionate and brilliant, and wants to solve every problem, even when it means contradicting herself. She's still figuring herself out, and I love that about her. I love that she's wrong sometimes. I love that she's rude and messy, and she isn't good at expressing her needs.

In my view, the core tension of her character is her desire to be righteous and her absolute determination in pursuit of her goals. She is an ends not means type of person, and that's a decent philosophy when your enemies are dragons and dementors, but the minute you start dealing with people, your moral bets are off. This is the place where I think canon leaves her, and it's the place where the best fanfic takes her up.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Would you ever write a book

anon I have been trying to find a way to answer this funny but I can't, because the truth is like this

I have wanted to write books since I was old enough to understand the concept of a person doing such a thing. when I was four I would staple together little paper picture books about a cat named Ginger and her boyfriend and their antics and excitedly foist these on my parents immediately while demanding to know what they thought. I couldn't not imagine myself doing anything else. it is still probably the most honest passion I have burning in my little heart.

unfortunately somewhere between chronicling the ongoing adventures of Ginger and this exact moment right now, I developed the kind of generalized anxiety and overwhelming perfectionism that makes it very, very difficult for me to finish novel-length writing projects (because my brain shuts out and gives up whenever it starts to feel difficult) and even harder to want to share them (because light criticism or the thought of being seen through my art makes me want to turn into an oyster).

unfortunately, to paraphrase Kevin Defunctland Perjurer, the only thing that feels worse than writing is not writing, and the not writing is usually winning. at risk of being vulnerable with you all my inability to commit myself seriously to writing is, like, my biggest source of insecurity, and I feel bad about it pretty much all the time. I desperately need to rediscover whatever I was channeling when I was cranking out melodramatic Warriors fic in middle school, because it's all been downhill since then.

so, to answer your question: god I'd fucking love to, if I could get out of my own way.

[theoi-crow]

Sometimes, its really easy to just let time pass by and take things for granted. I was scrolling through the Ares tag on your blog, and it just really hit me how amazing of a place you've created here on Tumblr. I remember discovering your blog like 5ish years ago and finding Aphrodite. A lot has happened since then, but I find myself truly grateful for this space you've created for us here on Tumblr.com. For me, and a lot of others, you've helped people gain understanding and forge relationships with themselves and their Gods. I know that if I'm feeling confused about something diety related, I can nestle myself into your tags, and find the answer(or the right question!)for whatever I'm searching for. Thank you for all the paragraphs of colored texts and purposeful italics. Thank you for your vulnerability and metaphors. For the gifs and stories and sources. Thank you for sharing your doubts and grief with us.

Thank you for everything. And I am so very proud of you.

This ask made me cry.

I've been having a hard time connecting with Apollo (a usual occurrence, my connection with him is weakest due to circumstances in my childhood beyond his control) but he does his best to send me signs and I hope it's okay to say I could feel his energy in this lovely message as if it was radiating healing energy. I believe he pointed at this ask while I was in the middle of being frustrated with my inability to hear him as well as I can hear the other gods. The "I'm so very proud of you" hit the hardest.

I'm actually planning on printing this ask and putting it on my altar as a reminder that despite how frustrated I'm feeling with my own spiritual life, others appreciate how I've helped them with theirs. It helped break the internal toxic monologue that happens in moments when I feel spiritually incompetent so thank you for breaking that, shining a light and giving me hope. I really needed it.

I appreciate it so much!

[snakxreader]

I know this is like SUPER gay of me but could you pretty please give us (and me) some floofty worked too hard and reader/buddy had to convince them to REST FOR ONCE

Please and thank you

A/N: HI HELLO! ITS THE BITCH WHO NEEDS A BETTER UPLOAD SCHEDULE. Thankfully, tomorrow is the last exam before break!!! And I’m gonna be on vacay the whole time so!! Lots of writing to be done! This blog is not dying anytime soon I swear on my heart.

Enough rambling. I really did enjoy writing this fanfic! I haven’t done a Floofty x Reader before, but I like to think while they’ve still got a few walls and that stubbornness…they can be open and emotional vulnerable around their parent. With that said, I hope they’ve been done justice!!

Floofty x Reader (Rest Up)

“It is 3 AM, why won’t you just go to bed?”

You watch Floofty’s tired, groggily body turn to face you, squinting like a hairless cat that had been out in the sun too long.

“I am,” they state, eyebags growing eyebags under their eyes,”Perfeeeeectly fine.”

“You’re slurring your words.”

“Irrelevant.” Floofty dimissies, waving you off. They turn back around, carefully typing while looking at the notes they took during their experiments.

You click your teeth. You loved Floofty, you really did. But you always had to be a bit concerned when they did things like this, burying themselves in their work and ignoring their mental and physical health.

“Floofty, when was the last time you even ate? Slept??” You questioned, almost like a demand.

That second of hesitation speaks volumes. “Everything,” Floofty finally answers, “-is fine.”

“Floofty.”

They avoid your eyes. “I just…I just need to finish these notes.”

“Floofty.”

“Just….” They yawned. They sighed, pushing their goggles up on their face. “…I have to do this.”

You don’t respond for a bi, letting the silence echo for a moment before sighing. You walk towards your partner and hold their paw up, gently holding it alongside your own. Floofty sighs, exhaustion in their town.

“…I just…it doesn’t feel like I’ve gotten anywjeee as of late.” They mumble. “My research is hitting a dead end, either due to my own inability to catch Bugsnax or lack of volunteers beside myself.”

“You’d know I’d help you in a heartbeat, right?”

Floofty huffs. “I don’t want to risk hurting you.”

“So you rather hurt yourself?”

They fall very quiet after that one. You nuzzle into their neck, feeling them purr softly.

“I promise to help you in someway.” You state. “But it’s late, love. Let’s go to bed.” You take a bit of pride in the bristle of their fur at the mention of the l-bomb.

“Y-you know I could care less for petnames…” They respone, a faint stutter in their voice. There’s no malice either. You’re finally able to pull the purple grumpus from their seat, taking off their bow tie and goggles.

“Was that so hard?” You ask teasingly.

“Shush.” They grumble, cozying up to you in the bed.

You giggle slightly, brushing their locs back just to kiss their forehead. “Love you, Floofty. Sleep well, ok?”

“Hmm…..Love you too.” It’s quiet, but that’s ok. Because it’s for your ears only. And so is the sound of their soft snores that drift you off to sleep right with them.

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

[mcytscienceside]

what kind of infection are these guys facing? Is it a classic zombie virus or something else entirely? Is there anyone so far who is completely gone?

Love the art, by the way

Ty so much for the question!! :D Happy to see people interested in this au!! @gearstorm actually has written up a whole document describing the infection from Pix's pov! I'll put the first part here but if anyone wants more information surrounding infection levels and the strange glitch itself it will be under the read more! --- Glitch Infection Journal Section 2; The glitch By Pixlriffs

Entry #1 stages, symptoms and tracking

It would be good to keep written documentation of what we refer to by many names, but mostly the glitch infection. Because we don't know where it came from, or why, or even how it works beyond observation. 

This ‘infection’ is a glitch that gets into the very core of a player's being and changes their mental and emotional state, only affecting the physical appearance slightly in late stages. We initially thought that those without symptoms were glitch free but using my watcher powers, I've taught myself and Mumbo how to see the infectious code separate from the player code it infects. And now we know that we all have it, but early stages are asymptomatic, treatable but not curable yet, and thankfully not yet contagious. Unfortunately it is also imperceivable without looking directly at the player's code, which is why it's so important that I maintain constant watch of the others with my powers.

I have made a scale to refer to it with. Who had it first and how they got it to the point of being contagious is unknown as most of the server had it by the time we were aware of it. 

A scale of 1-10, here is what each number means.

0, no one but Hermes is completely clean of the virus. He was lucky enough to not go near anyone who was infected to the point of being contagious when this started and has been kept safe since.

1-2, the infection is treatable. It will never go down to 0 unless we find a cure, but it will only go up when around those at 4 or higher and go down with isolation from those whom are contagious. Though it seems other factors affect this. I have no definitive proof, but the current hypothesis towards it is your physical health has something to do with it. Supporting this, is I have been sitting at 2 for some time now without going down but I am also recovering from severe injuries. Meanwhile Joel is suffering in the mental health department but his levels go from 1.5 to 1 at the same rate as Oli who is better off then both of us. 

3-3.5, you have gone past the point of natural recovery. I have yet the chance to observe if 2.5 is too far but do not wish to test it. This is when you'd first notice something is wrong, Shelby having been able to tell without my Sight, but it is subtle according to her. Like a slight itch or pinching in your chest. Easily missable if you weren't paying attention for it. You are unlikely to experience changes to personality at this stage and are not contagious. But your infection will now increase no matter what you do. Proximity to those who are contagious affecting the speed of your own level of infection at this stage remains untested.

4-5, early stages of the infection taking noticeable effect. You are now contagious. Your sanity decreases quickly and significantly, personality changes leading to inability to express empathy and masochistic behavior, and slips of memory occur frequently. As well as violent urges but these seem slightly less common depending on will power. Not being aware you are infected greatly increases vulnerability to these urges.

6-7, Most infected at this stage are unable to recognize bonds and connections to other players, exceptions occurring when the connection was built during early stages of sanity lost in which case they seem to become dependent on each other willing to do anything to protect what little they now hold dear. Players act in cruel and violent ways they never would have done before they got infected, such as building deadly traps and attacking one another on sight. Screaming matches, psychological manipulation, and violent attempts to protect their perceived territory are common.

8-9, all previously mentioned behaviors become even worse. Conversation only occurs when the infected is trying to manipulate you or harm you emotionally or mentally. Depending on what behaviors they have developed as forms of violence, they are likely to try to capture you either for crossing territory, being perceived as a threat, or in worst cases simply for being seen. And will not hesitate to torture you how they see fit when they have you. Their memories seem to become selective at this point, falling to madness and only knowing lust for violence and torment.

10, the only one so far I've seen at 10 is Jimmy. But opposite to Joel's Lore powers, Jimmy is connected to the powers of Law. The order of the world. Truthfully I do not know the extent of his power, but what I do know is the server is sick. Joel tells me Jimmy is likely reflecting the world itself rather than being infected the same way the others are. Fortunately, the world itself does not seem to count as being near contagious stage infection. Unfortunately, Jimmy himself is still contagious. Learned the hard way when we lost Shelby. He acts the most cruel of all the infected server members. I hope that when we find a cure, he doesn't remember what he's done. I don't blame him for what happened and don't want to see him blame himself.

[gallifreyinstituteforlearning]

Do you think Timelord-specific disabilities exist? Like Timelords who always regenerate into the same body, or something else?

Time Lord Disabilities

Absolutely. Time Lords already deal with some unique disabilities or conditions:

👽 Existing

Regenerative Dissonance: Imagine your past selves just won’t shut up. Multiple personalities from past incarnations do not shut up when you regenerate, resulting in a constant board meeting inside your head. This condition has such a severe impact on mental health that afflicted Time Lords end up committing suicide, although there is Gallifreyan technology that can help control it.

Regenerative Vulnerabilities: The few seconds in which they are regenerating are extremely vulnerable, compromising their immune systems and leaving them open to viruses, paradoxes and other forms of biodata corruption through foreign materials, resulting in severe allergies or even changing species.

DNA instability: A complete artron deficiency, AKA 'I need to constantly consume energy or else I'll wither away.' This life energy may or may not come from other people. 😵‍💫

Whoops, that regeneration went wrong: Can be sub-categorised into areas including (but not limited to) - Whoops, I only have half a new body now; - Whoops, I regenerated my body but not my brain; - Whoops, I've turned myself inside out; - Whoops, I've gone back to being a time tot; - Whoops, I've turned into a creature from Stranger Things.

Regenerative infections: Multiple regenerative illnesses exist, one of which is the Dogma Virus, which is a condition that lies dormant until a Time Lord regenerates, then turns the new incarnation into a violent, mindless being.

Dark Design: Dark Design is a rather special form of insanity reserved for Gallifreyans only. This renders the Gallifreyan unable to stop thinking; hampering their ability to sleep or take care of themselves, causing severe irritability and anger, hallucinations, and an inability to process reality. It is usually suffered by exceptionally clever Gallifreyans and results in them becoming corrupt geniuses. It is incurable, and sufferers spend their lives in Gallifreyan mental institutions (or you know, being President).

Retro-regeneration or Degeneration: Reverting to previous incarnations can happen and has its own set of potential issues. Call me crazy, but I have a feeling we may find out more about that as the weeks go by ...

+ many more besides.

💭 Speculative

Given these existing complexities and potential pitfalls, it's entirely feasible that there could be lots more Time Lord-specific disabilities. Some speculative examples might include:

Chronic Regenerative Inhibition: A condition where a Time Lord can't regenerate at all despite having all the necessary physical gear, living just one mortal life.

Regenerative Looping: A condition, as you suggested, that forces the Time Lord to continually regenerate into the same form, never moving on to a new one.

Retro-Regenerative Confusion: An inability to correctly channel past incarnations even when they are needed. Maybe this is a skill set, or a set of memories. And we're not just talking 'I can't quite remember what happened on this planet last time' to 'wait, how does walking work?'

Environmental divergence: Maybe regeneration is required in an atmosphere with no Oxygen. If the body successfully adapts to this environment, then maybe the Gallifreyan can no longer breathe Oxygen and requires exclusively space dust-9 atmospheres to live?

Chrono/psionic dementias: Maybe a Time Lord can no longer perceive time in linear order? Maybe they can no longer control their psionic abilities, hearing everyone's thoughts all the time?

These are just a few ideas - the list is potentially infinite.

Hope that helped! 😃

→🫀Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology Guide (WIP) →⚕️Gallifreyan Emergency Medicine/Monitoring Guides →📝Source list (WIP)

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[timelordian-disaster-126]

!!!BODY HORROR ART TW!!!

I have taken it upon myself to add more interesting headcanon lore to one of my favorite Villains in all of Doctor Who, the Mara 🐍🔮

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The Mara is an unforgiving and relentless being that pushes one's deepest desires to the surface when possessing its host, it often takes possession of the host's mind and subjects them to harsh psychological/mental abuse through their subconscious mind. It presents itself through that of the host's dreams through terrible nightmares and terrors, often this makes the host unable to sleep normally, thus weakening them further to the grasp of the Maras's delight.

Here, the Mara often takes over the host body, feeding on their fears and emotions as the host body slowly becomes that of a second skin to the Mara. Over a long enough period, the host's body will eventually become scaly, and hard to move, the eyes will become yellow with sinister slits in the middle of them. Once the Mara is done feeding on the host, and when they have conformed to the serpent figure fully and is unable to live any longer due to the snake's inability to let the body care for itself, the Mara will discard the body by "shedding its skin" in which the Mara will exit the body through the mouth, leaving a husk of what was once typically a manussan local. From then it will go into a state of temporary dormancy until it is ready for its next feeding. From there it will scatter itself across all of manussa, planting itself in everyone, until one fool starts to give in to their desires, and from then; The Mara will strike when the next host is most vulnerable.

Of course, the Mara is also able to jump from host to host, as long as they are within reach, it can also spread itself to multiple people at one time, although this often leaves it confused and unable to keep an eye on all its prey. As we see with Tegan, the Mara can remain dormant in the mind of a host for however long it needs, either until the host gives into their desires, or until the Mara grows weak and needs another host. However, with Tegan, she deeply desires something she cannot have due to distance, and so, the Mara lays dormant, waiting to strike once again, its only a matter of time before it can feast once more.

Of course, the Mara does have one weakness, and that is of its own reflection, for the Mara wants you to give into your desires, and not confront them, facing itself in the mirror means to go against its own purpose, a fate in which is can't stand. Of course, if these desires strongly linger, sometimes, it can latch on longer than anticipated, waiting dormantly to strike once again.

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The Mara on Manussa is seen as a powerful creature, one not to be messed with, the locals often put on an annual festival each year celebrate the supposed banishment of the Mara, there's often a ceremony held at the end of each festival, in which a person much overcome the Maras temptation and retrieve the great crystal and banish the Mara once and for all.

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So I actually did redesign Lons outfit he wore during the ceremony of the Mara, I just thought his looked so goofy in the show and I had a "I can fix it 👹" moment, and so I did! :D I hope you guys enjoyed my lore idea! Let me know what you guys think!

(He looks like he wants to take a bath fully clothed in the original)

[myseungsunglove]

Unexpected | Ksm

Pairing: Seungmin x Reader

Warnings: fluffy angst adjacent

Word Count: 1k

𖠫Summary: MC finds herself writing a letter to her boyfriend Kim Seungmin to tell him all of the seemingly small and insightful ways and not so small ways she has felt loved by him when she never expected to feel truly loved by anyone.

Thoughts: This is another odd one. It comes from a very personal place, and it just kind of manifested without me meaning for it to. Hopefully it will reach someone who feels all of these things too.

✎WIP✎: working on a few Han pieces and Seungmin as well that are a bit more fluffy than my most recent pieces.

◠ ◡ ◠᭚ιαᵕ̈

「© July 25, 2023 by mysweethannie」

I’ve never been one to love hard and trust fast. I judge hard and trust slow. It takes a lot for someone to break down my walls, or for me to hand them the key to my seemingly impenetrable heart. I don’t think there’s anyone who really knows me.

Until I met you, Kim Seungmin.

I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, but there is something about you that makes me feel safe. Makes me feel like I don’t have to keep up the walls that I’ve so expertly built around myself. I can be me and you’ll be you and everything‘s okay. Everything is more than okay.

Before you, I had told myself that I was content with the dull loneliness that had become my constant companion in life. I was sure I wasn’t capable of giving love to anyone. This was something I was told each time a relationship inevitably crumbled. And because I loved so differently from other people, it made me unlovable. I somehow convinced myself that I was actually happy with this kind of life, not being loved, and that I couldn’t really find any kind of joy in a relationship because of my inability to love someone like they wanted or deserved. I really believed it to be true.

You changed all of that, Kim Seungmin.

I hate it when people say that love finds you when you least expect it. I hate it so much because that’s exactly what happened with you. I never expected to find you. I certainly wasn’t looking. I guess it was a good thing you were literally right in front of me. Sometimes I swear my life is one big romantic comedy where the writer forgot to give me the script, so I’m not sure when to laugh at how ridiculous my life seems sometimes.

I didn’t expect for you to be the only thing I think about on the dark nights that I don’t see you when our schedules don’t align or I don’t get to fall asleep in your arms. That’s so unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in love before. When I really think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually experienced love before you.

I never knew love could be so all consuming, at least not for someone like me. Not for someone who appears physically cold and distant at times and doesn’t know how to connect with people on a physical level. I was certain for a long time that I must be broken because I’ve never felt the things that other people had talked about when they talked about love. I’m still not always sure I convey my love for you adequately but you tell me you love me. Those three words are words you don’t use frequently or utter lightly so I know you must feel some kind of love from me or you wouldn’t risk the vulnerability of telling me you love me. It’s ironic how learning about you and how you love actually helps me learn about myself.

Funnily enough, the love we share, it’s still somehow different from the love I see between other people around me. You love me quietly in your own way yet I’ve never felt more loved, more seen, more known. You don’t have to say those three words every day for me to understand how deeply you feel about me.

I didn’t expect to feel loved when you give me a knowing side eye from the corner of the room when I’m stuck in a conversation with Chan or Changbin.

I didn’t expect to feel loved when you sit down beside me, your thighs pressing close to mine, your hand running soothingly along my back as I work on lyrics for a new song.

I didn’t expect to feel loved, and maybe I should have, when your fingers intertwined with mine, your thumb rubbing gently against my skin the first time I had a panic attack while I’m with you in public.

I didn’t expect to feel loved when you wrote and sang a song just for me. Your voice feels like the safest place on earth, and I know I don’t tell you that enough so this is me telling you.

I didn’t expect to feel loved the first time our lips met. This one may blow people away, but I’d never felt it before so why should I have thought this time would be any different? I guess my first clue should have been that everything was different with you, but somehow I still managed to be surprised.

Finally, and maybe this one is the saddest, but I didn’t expect to feel so loved the first time we made love or even every time after that. My connection with people is always emotional first, and that doesn’t always translate to physical attraction or deep connection. In fact, it very rarely does. Even when it does, my body doesn’t keep up with what my mind wants if that even makes sense. With you, every time you touch me intimately, my body is alight in a way I have never experienced before with anyone and honestly I had no idea it was even possible. No one has ever made me feel every emotion imaginable all at once, but Seungmin when you press closely to me, your long arms wrapping around me safely, my brain fires in a way I’m not sure it even learned to until you. It’s like you were a missing piece my brain needed to finally be whole.

I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, Kim Seungmin, but I'm certain I couldn’t do life without you now.

[writing-in-verse]

So I Finally Read A Restless Truth by Freya Marske

I've been debating what to say about this book since I finished it late last week. Not because I didn't enjoy it - on the contrary, I loved it possibly more than the first - but rather because I have so much I could say.

A friend of mine recently mentioned, in a poorly-phrased statement out of context, that he didn't really know me. In context he's referring to how little I talk about myself, the self behind the ADHD masque and trauma and deflection.

It's hard to write a character that who's entirely public persona is a facade without making them seem either two dimensional or just two separate characters in one body. Sarah J. Maas is a great example of how to do this terribly with her main character of Throne of Glass, Celaena.

Anyone who knows me knows I have contempt for these books in a way I rarely do for any other. There's so much wrong with them but that's not the point, the point is Celaena is a terrible character who feels like a separate person depending on what the author needs her to be. She's either a snarky, sexy assassin who has no real moral compass or a fashion-loving, sexy princess who finds being an assassin horrifying. The two sides of her talk and act entirely differently with very little crossover to the point where they have different names by the latter half of the series.

Violet, and by extension Freya Marske, shows how someone who has a lot of ptsd tends to deal with their trauma. Of course, everyone is different and hiding behind a sharp wit and rebellious distraction isn't the healthy solution but it is relatable to me. Violet's background on the New York underground stage scene (a part of performance history I'm not well educated on so it was fun to see in historical fiction) gave her the knowledge needed to play a part, whatever part the audience expects of her without ever revealing who she truly is.

I'd be loathe to suggest Violet's public persona is fake as that's simply not true: my own outward way of being is still me even if I keep much of my life away from scrutiny. Violet is sharp and quick witted and rebellious but she uses her stage skills to leave people with a simplified impression, without any of her fears or anxieties mixed in. It's not inauthentic but rather safe and controlled. It's why everyone but Maud Blyth accepts what they're given.

What's more insightful is Violet's inability to see the way she is limiting herself out fear for survival. It isn't until Maud gives her the perspective to see the cage she has constructed for herself that she starts to realise the walls keep you in as much as they keep others out. Of course, Violet can see it on some level but that lack of true introspection is as much a trauma response as everything else. The walls are built around the most vulnerable parts as much to protect as to ignore the damage that's already been done.

I've never seen a character manage to portray the complex realities of living with trauma quite like Violet does, not in the immediate aftermath but in the long periods living with part of yourself you think need to be hidden lest they be taken advantage of or are seen as flaws which makes you less worthy of love rather than a tapestry of someone who deserves more love than was ever afforded.

Violet is fascinating from a character design perspective but she's also incredibly well written, she feels like a person who contains multitudes, who is not 'fixed' by the end of the book but she is willing to let Maud in little by little. Step by step.

Okay this was a long one, turns out I had a lot to say (and honestly still do (I haven't even gushed about Maud!!!)) but I hope you enjoyed reading it.

[kistless]

this is making me insane because these cut lines from the script are basically the essence of what sex is in succession - logan's view of the power dynamics of sex and how he has passed this on to his children is such a major theme and conflict in the show: you see it in shiv cheating on tom with nate because she likes to "play" with him (break him) and she cant get that in her sex life with tom, you see it with roman's inability to have sex unless he's being degraded, hell, the very first episode of the series is an elaborate breakdown of how Logan's masculinity and sexuality and even gender identity is intrinsically tied with business. Being good at business = being masculine enough to intimidate or bully your business "opponent" into submission = fucking them and therefore being bad at business (ken fumbling the vaulter deal) = getting fucked (Kendall isn't enough of a man to be my successor)

and Lawrence being gay adds insult to injury for Logan because not only is Kendall being outperformed in business (=getting fucked) he is getting fucked by a gay man (which is the ultimate sin for Logan because being gay = getting fucked = being a woman). In the scene where Logan walks in on Kendall saying that he would give Lawrence a blowjob for the deal Kendall reacts like a child caught saying something forbidden (because he was, and it is)

Kendall blatantly says this when Logan announces that he's staying on as ceo by saying "you fucked me" (=you've denied me from being ceo = I'm not a man in your eyes) and Logan replies with "I'm concerned you're too soft" and "I hear you bent [for lawrence]". Logan can't imagine a world in which business is separate from sex, and how a businessman can actually be good at business by playing nice and sucking up to someone (which would be feminine behavior to logan, and is therefore too "womanly" for business)

But the thing is, that is exactly how Stewy does business. Stewy is feminine in a lot of ways, is polite or at least respectful to his business rivals (his insistence on calling logan "sir"), and is physically affectionate with men that he's in business with (eg hugging josh to greet him on the tarmac) and he is still, from what we can see, very successful. He has no need for dick measuring business techniques like intimidation - eg the scene where kendall is threatening to cut off his dick and stewy just repeats it back to him because kendall could try and intimidate him all he wants, the way Stewy does business is so much more effective because Stewy focuses on the money and maintaining good business relationships and at the end of the day, that is all shareholders care about

so to me the cut lines both read as kendall saying "I'm acknowledging that I've put myself in a very vulnerable business position and you could damage my career very easily right now" but of course he is literally saying, "you can't fuck me, because that would mean you are taking away my manhood". Stewy's reply of "that's why we're such good friends" feels like a double entendre of its own - like stewy is referring to them being able to trust each other because of their mutually assured destruction if one betrays the other, but also an acknowledgement that they are only "such good friends" (and not anything more) because kendall is unable to see having sex with a man as anything other than having his masculinity forcibly taken away from him. If kendall betrays stewy in their business deal, he will be forced to retaliate against kendall to save his career, and stewy knows that kendall understands this in terms of fucking and being fucked. He cant resist making a joke out of how kendall relates sex and business, so he deliberately adds a reference to their friendship (arguably the most intimate relationship that kendall has in his life) which feels like stewy saying, "you think you're just talking about business when you talk about sex, but you're also talking about sex."

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hello. i'm not sure how to phrase this properly but do you have any advice on not being afraid of being social with real humans? i admit i am a bit paranoid. i do not want to share anything about myself with anyone in real life, i do not want to use any social media that can be easily traced back to my real identity, i am afraid of meeting up with and talking to people i can meet locally etc. i know that human connection requires vulnerability and being "real", but i've seen far too many examples of people being bullied for being themselves and from my experiences relationships don't last that long, i can't keep friends, so it's almost not worth it to open up that much because it can be used against you later once you stop talking etc etc etc., at least that's what i think. i don't know how to perceive people as kind and stop being afraid. it's hard. sorry if this question is not phrased well.

hi anonymous; i:m terrible to ask for this!

i have basically no real-life relationships and my whole life has basically been a tomb built upon an inability to change, connect, and grow; spiritually i:m like what happens if the bacteria inside an empty house is allowed to stagnate and flow in-to the floorboards till it becomes like a fat pungent jelly saturating the baseboards, principal post, foundation; nasty and tepid and like a black mold :-))!

any-ways: what helped me get-over my social anxiety, slightly, was just gradual exposure at my own behest: forcing myself to go-out and get something nice for myself weekly/daily; when i had a little more money: this would be stopping out for coffee; or: just going to a thrift-store and looking at books.

for internet stuff and bullying: being open and facing consequence for your own existence is just part-and-parcel of being a person; even: if you are "making a career out of yourself" (whether it be an artist, or just some prolific poster (i:d consider this a career, absolutely, because when i was "way emotionally worse" i:d more-or-less literally get financially incentivized for being actively suicidal and mentally ill--blood sacrifice)) you sort-of implicitly are surrendering a barrier between yourself and other, cause ultimately it:s All About Connection & people don:t connect to barriers super well; incidentally, i think i had a worse time with "bullying" when i had more to be ashamed about myself, and had more internal insecurities -- but i also cared more about my identity as an artist; i:ve Confronted(!) the parts i:ve been too ashamed to confront and made peace with them, and now am mostly content with just housekeeping.

But: i:m still terrifically lonely. purpose and identity helps there; the only things that have ever abated the loneliness for me is being completely ensorcelled with /something/ (like a writing project, drawing, fleshing out an inner world, feeling like i am furthering my goal to the Communication/bacteria) -- and those only come as impulses for me; without: every-day is just a lonely dead-quiet stretch between meals that:s filled up with finding excuses to keep myself busy.

~but: i think that:s also "better;" i keep myself to a routine and give myself responsibilities that i don:t let myself shirk (my praying, my cleaning, my exercising, forcing myself to go to church once a week, my cooking, my grocery shopping); it:s like what moto realizes at the end of boogiepop phantom episode 1,

unfortunately we have to reconcile ourselves by ourselves, and likely: that is a life-time struggle that none of us get to shirk;

if you:d like a recommendation, anonymous, i:d like you to watch "boogiepop and others" (not "boogiepop phantom") episode 6; it:s an episode about that struggle, suema talks about it; if i:m feeling super-duper down i:ll listen to that conversation @ the end of episode 6 between suema and aya, about the struggle with the imaginator, and whether-or-not boogiepop is real.

anyways, i don:t think i gave you great advice here anonymous; even: i doubt any of this will lift your spirits >:-)) but @ minimum: try to be kind to yourself, including patience with yourself, and also responsibility to yourself; often it seems like people are awaiting another to come and pluck the dirt out of us: but that dirt is us, and all another can do is add more slurry to us.

take care chief.

[cloudbells]

some of your posts actually got me thinking about these questions! i'm very curious how people feel about this sort of stuff, since my own fandom opinions are relatively mild and it got me wondering how other people's experiences compare...

so how about #'s 2 (for stony), #9 and #27 (other than frostshield??😉)

Thank you for the ask (and for creating the game)! Lol, I'm glad me and my inability to keep an opinion to myself was a part of the inspo <3 And sorry for the long wait!!!

2) What's your biggest stony pet peeve?

BIGGEST? Oh man, I'm not sure...Teenification of Tony Stark. He's written so...infantile and emotionally weak (I love vulnerability, but my word choice of him being written as weak is my gripe) in many Stony fics. It genuinely gets on my last nerve. He's damn near 40 in AV1. And he only gets older. And sure, maybe there's some arrested development there, but he isn't a damn child. He knows this. And actually conducts himself well enough in canon (in a way that matches his issues) but it's the fanon portrayal I don't like.

WAIT...I think I have something that's popular for the ship itself. Not very fan of the lengths that misunderstandings go for Steve and Tony...Like, I understand they aren't great at communication, but sometimes it gets to the point where I'm like, "It's passed dense and shot straight into pure asshole territory". I know a lot of people write like this because of CACW, but hot take, I don't think CW was so much of a communication or misunderstandings problem. I'll elaborate on this in a separate post, maybe. But the way misunderstandings are drawn out with seemingly no reason gets on my nerves, but it really depends. I can love misunderstandings, but it can't be something that's contrived for drama's sake.

Oh! Another one is in AUs where Steve was still Captain America, and Tony is still Iron Man, and Howard was still lovesick after Steve died and Tony knew all about Steve as a child....and then the AU has Steve undercover or something and Tony doesn't recognize Steve's face. LOL. This sounds specific, but this exact set up has happened enough to where it bothers me. Like, it's kind of funny though, how annoyed I get over it lmao.

9) What's something that bugs you in fanfiction that you encounter often but isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for you as a reader?

I have a lot of not-dealbreakers. Primarily because if I were to strictly stick to my vision of every possible portrayal, I'd have like 3 fics to read. I'm picky in theory, not so much in practice because I'm also extremely greedy. I'll give one each for Stucky and Stony.

Stucky: That Steve crashed the Valkyrie because he was so sad about Bucky dying. I talk a little about how much I generally dislike this trope here. I think it's a huge disservice to this character, I will never take it seriously, and I will never write it. But, it's not a dealbreaker as long as it's not repeatedly more than....let's say 3 times in a fic. Looking back, I already gave this answer, so an additional one - Bucky being community dick and then getting upset that Steve doesn't realize that Bucky wants him and the tone of the fic also supporting that Bucky has a right to be mad lol. It's a weirdly common narrative point in a lot of fics and I just don't care for it. It's actually one of the reasons I tend to stay away from pre-CATFA fics. This trope also happens in Stony too, now that I'm thinking about it. What's up with that?

Stony: I (unsurprisingly) have a few to choose from, but I'll say - when it's written like Steve was horrifically out of line or the aggressor in AV1. It's super common (from throwaway lines to paragraphs about how Steve was an asshole) and there is a fine line that this has to walk for me not to dip. Usually, it's a couple of line about it, which I can ignore.

27) What's something that you think [insert fandom/pairing] doesn't have nearly enough of that you're starving for?

I have an embarrassing amount of rare pairs that I ship and I've been itching for a chance to let them out (/ = romantic or sexual, & = platonic).

Steve & Wanda. Oh my goodness, I am absolutely starving for more fics that show their growing bond from AOU to CACW. I would eat it up. Even in AUs, honestly. I said in another ask that I dislike kidfics, but guess what I'm outlining right now involving kid!Wanda...I just think there is something to explore there with Steve's care towards Wanda in canon. I feel like he understands her, to an extent, and anything he doesn't understand, he tries to sympathize with. He reaches out to her and that's so, so important to me. Because I adore Wanda. So much.

Rumlow/Steve. I want to clarify, not so much as a romance pairing (though I have read a couple like that), but more so as a one-sided creepfest on Rumlow's end. Something about him feeling an erotized violence/hatred towards Steve is so delicious to me. In my mind, it's not even love/hate - it's obsession. Maybe even coupled with a childhood admiration morphing into a disturbed/twisted fixation on Steve. I think this Rumlow likes to see Steve hurt. I also think he hates to be kept away from him. He's not deluded enough to think that Steve loves him back, he in fact, probably loves how much Steve hates him after the Hydra reveal. Yum.

Carol & Steve. Nothing much to say here, but I'm sure it's not too surprising. Captain Marvel is my 2nd most-watched MCU movie after CATFA. And I think their stories and journeys and experiences are so, so amazingly similar that I cannot resist the temptation of wanting them to be in every scene together. The squeal I let out when she first met Steve probably broke a few records.

Can I get a little more obscure? I have Steve-ships with characters who aren't in the MCU. Here's a speedrun, no elaboration:

Din Djarin (The Mandalorian)/Steve Rogers

Kushina (Naruto) & Steve Rogers

Sesshomaru (Inuyasha) /Steve Rogers

Ginko (Mushishi) & Steve Rogers

Epsilon (Pluto) & Steve Rogers

Kurenai/Steve/Asuma (Naruto).

Izaya Orihara (Durarara) & Steve....or Izaya/Steve...Izaya would hate him so much haha.