#i had to fight my insurance for two years and all the health providers i contacted told me the hoops i was being made to jump through

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

Sorry for spamming you left and right😅 I will stop for now. Thank you in advance.

A fic with Jalouse!Magnus or Jalouse!Alec or have them both be jalouse in the same fic. yeah, it's gonna be magical to see them fight with people hehehehe

“Jace, why the fuck did you call me at this time on my off day?” Alec grumbles as soon as they enter the club.

“We needed your help.”

Magnus rolls his eyes at the blonde. “Of course.”

“This was a simple mission. You just had to get some intel.”

Izzy turns toward them with an apologetic grin. “Yes. But there were some complications and now there’s a mundane with sight in the picture. We need some information from him and I went to gather it but failed.”

Magnus, who was leaning on Alec’s shoulder, not really paying attention to all of them, raises an eyebrow. “You, Isabelle Lightwood, failed?”

Jace smirks at them, and Magnus knows he’s about to say some stupid shit. “The guy bats for the other team.”

“Okay I still don’t get why I’m being called on my off day. I had to leave the boys with mom at the last minute and they were not happy about it.” Alec groans. “Do you know how difficult it is to convince the two of them that we’re bailing on movie night.”

Jace’s smirk dies down at that. He’s an asshole, but he loves Rafael and Max with all his heart.

“We’re sorry but we really need the intel.” He explains. “And we need either of you for that.”

“Us?“

“You’re both into guys right?” Clary states, sipping her drink like a five-year-old.

Alec rolls his eyes. “No we’re just married to each other because of the amazing health insurance that the clave provides.”

Magnus chuckles at his husband and places a kiss on his cheeks.

“How can we help?”

Izzy points a finger at the two of them. “One of you needs to go flirt with that guy and get us the information.”

“You ruined our movie night for this?” Alec asks incredulously.

All of them nods.

“We’re not doing that.” Alec adds. “Magnus is not going to flirt with anyone while I’m here.” Alec announces and pulls Magnus closer to him by the waist.

Magnus grins at Alec’s reaction. Alec doesn’t get jealous like he used to almost a decade ago but he still has a possessive streak that Magnus enjoys entirely too much.

“Well they didn’t say I have to do it.” He says with a mischievous smile. “The stage is all yours, darling.”

Alec’s eyes meet his. “You want me to go flirt with some other guy?”

“Why not? I think it could be fun.”

“No.”

Jace, Izzy, Clary and Simon groan in unison. “If Magnus is not going to do it, then you have to do it. It’s just flirting, Alec.”

“I don’t know how to flirt.” Alec responds.

Untrue.

Alec is great at flirting with him.

“I beg to differ.”

“You bagged Magnus Bane.” Izzy says.

Alec throws his arms in the air. “I don’t know how I did it okay? Everyone needs to stop asking me that.”

Magnus grabs Alec’s face in his hands and kisses him softly. “You were very charming, Alexander.”

Alec huffs at him with fond exasperation.

“Do it. Do it. Do it.” Everyone starts chanting and Alec finally agrees.

“This will be fun.” Magnus adds because he is an asshole who likes to see Alec suffer.

Also because he really wants to see Alec with other people since Alec hates almost everyone except Magnus and their kids.

Alec begins to walk in the direction of the man but Magnus and Isabelle who somehow always are attuned to each other’s chaotic thoughts stop him.

“Wait.”

Magnus snaps his fingers to magic eyeliner on Alec while Isabelle forcibly opens up the first few buttons on his shirt.

Alec glares at him. “You’re a weird husband.”

Magnus bops his nose. “You love me.”

“What if I fall in love with the other guy? I don’t think it’ll be as much fun for you then.”

A chuckle escapes his body at the words. “I think I’ll live.”

Alec groans and finally walks towards their target.

Magnus claps his hand excitedly waiting for the fun to begin.

It doesn’t.

The opposite happen.

And Magnus regrets his stupid brain for his stupid ideas because Alec turns out to be great at flirting with other people too if the situation calls for it.

The shadowhunter easily slips on the bench next to the guy and Magnus isn’t even shocked at how easily the guy takes up to Alec.

The mundane with sight was an attractive looking guy. He was wearing a leather jacket and had blue coloured hair. He also has more than a few rings on his hands and Magnus knows how much Alec likes hand jewellery.

The guy gives Alec an appreciate glance from top to bottom. He shifts slightly on his bench and crosses his legs in front of Alec.

The two of them start talking something and his husband looks entirely in the element. Magnus knows that Alec is laser focused when there’s a mission and people’s lives on the line but it irks him just the littlest bit how comfortable Alec looks with the man.

The guy orders a drink for Alec, which looks like something that is too alcohol-y and opposite of his husband’s taste, but he drinks it nevertheless.

Magnus grumbles internally because he didn’t spend years trying to find the perfect drink for alcohol just for this random dude from nowhere to ruin it in a second.

“Wow. I did not think Alec would be this great at it.” Isabelle says proudly.

Jace, always the most dramatic bitch in the room wipes a fake tear from his eyes. “My boy. He did me so proud.”

“I don’t know why we wasted so much time when we had Alec.” Simon adds.

Assholes.

All of them.

“Hmmm.”

Isabelle gives him a look and then a gleam appears on her face. “Are you jealous Magnus?”

Magnus huffs at her. “Of this guy? Please.”

“Well you look jealous.” Jace grins.

Magnus gets drinks for everyone and gulps his down while watching the scene entirely too fast.

The guy says something that pulls a chuckle out of Alec in a way that his entire face lights up and it annoys Magnus to no end because only he is allowed to make Alec laugh like that.

And fine, he knows how stupid that sounds but it is what it is.

“This man is really into Alec.” Simon announces.

“Can’t blame him.” Magnus says and looks at Alec a little too dreamily.

He looks really really beautiful right now and Magnus can do nothing but stare at him. The eyeliner and the unbuttoned shirt have too much effect on Magnus and he has the urge to touch Alec.

The guy puts a hand on Alec’s shoulder and Magnus wants to plant lizards in his house.

If only he knew where the man lives.

It goes on another few minutes that feel more like hours have passed where the guy keeps on shifting closer to Alec to the point that their legs are touching each others.

And okay fine. Magnus is jealous.

So what?

Alec is the most handsome man in the world and everyone looks up to him. And ever since he has become the Consul, the list of people continuously thirsting over him, both shadow hunters and downworlders alike, has grown extremely long.

And while Alec’s jealously has gone down in recent years, Magnus’s has only grown. In a way that it never has with previous partners.

He just calls it the Alec effect.

After another few minutes, the guy puts a hand on Alec’s thigh and something burns inside of Magnus. A few glasses around them break and he pretends like it’s not his doing but the Lightwood siblings give him a knowing look that makes him roll his eyes.

“Are you alright, Magnus?” Jace grins at him.

“Fuck off.”

What finally does it for Magnus is when the guy drags his fingers across Alec’s neck, on his rune and Magnus sees red. It’s a sensitive spot for Alec and Magnus has spent years and years on becoming familiar to every inch of that spot. It’s where he kisses Alec when he is having a bad day and the shadowhunter immediately melts in his arms. It is also the spot where Magnus has marked Alec hundred of times.

He snaps his fingers under the table and suddenly the guy starts looking uncomfortable. He scratches his own neck and then his hands, followed by his arms. In a few seconds, the guy is scratching his body looking panicked.

Alec’s eyes flicker over him for a second and Magnus gives him an innocent look.

A few seconds later, Alec is saying something to the guy and the man sits up from his seat and goes in the direction of the washroom and Magnus barely tries to hide his smirk.

Alec straightens up to and starts walking back towards them.

As soon as he reaches them, he slips a piece of paper in Isabelle’s hand. “Here. It’s the information that you needed.”

Jace pats his back proudly. “Good job Alec. I am so proud of you.”

Alec glares at him. “Fuck off.”

“How was he?” Isabelle asks with a smirk that is directed towards Magnus.

“He was okay. He knew a lot about the shadow world and surprisingly did not make me want to scratch my hai run annoyance.”

“He gave you your number.” Isabelle announces, turning the paper that has a phone number scribbled on it.

Alec scratches his hair, embarrassed. “Yeah. He asked me out but then suddenly he said his body was feeling weird so he had to leave.”

Magnus looks at the number and the fact that the guy asked Alec out. Added with the fact that Alec did not entirely hate the guy brings out something primal inside of him and he just wants to drag Alec across to their house.

So he does just that.

“We’re going home.” Magnus announces.

“Why don’t we stay for another hour or so. Maybe we can call that guy too. He seems fun.” Jace smirks.

Would Alec forgive him if he ever kills his parabatai?

“Fine. Whatever. You have ruined our night already.” Alec grumbles.

The guy comes back from the washroom and Jace being the little shit he was starts walking in his direction to call him but Magnus stops them.

“No, we’re going home.” He repeats.

Alec comes closer to him and puts an arm around his shoulder. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes. We just need to go home right now.”

“Are the boys okay? Did something happen?” Alec asks again and Magnus groans.

Why the fuck won’t Alec get it?

They really need to go home.

“Yeah. They are fine.”

The four of them start grinning in hid direction behind Alec’s back. “I think Magnus really needs to go home. You should listen to him.”

A confused frown appears on his husband’s face. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Magnus replies avoiding everyone’s annoying gaze.

“Magnus didn’t like your new friend much.” Isabelle announces.

“What?” Alec asks and he sees Clary open his mouth but before anyone can say anything else, Magnus opens a portal and drags Alec inside it.

They land inside their living room and before Alec can ask anything Magnus pushes him against the wall and kisses him.

“Wha-?” Alec tries but easily starts kissing Magnus with equal fervour.

Magnus wraps his arms tightly around Alec’s waist and the kiss turns deeper and hungrier.

Alec pulls back a few second later and starts chuckling. “Baby, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He replies and pushes his hands in Alec’s hair and grabs them a little harshly making Alec hiss.

Alec peers at him intently and then suddenly his eyes widen in recognition.

Fuck.

He knows.

“Wait a second. Are you jealous?”

“I’m not jealous.”

Alec grins at him. “You look very jealous, baby.”

“Shut up.” He grumbles and kisses Alec’s neck. The man turns his hair slightly to give easy access to him.

“You are the one who asked me to do it.” Alec chuckles but it turns into a moan at the touch.

“That dude was annoying. Kept on touching you.” Magnus groans and puts a leg between Alec’s.

Alec wraps his arms around Magnus’s neck. “I think he was okay. Was kinda cute.”

He closes his eyes because he knows what Alec is trying to do but it’s working.

He is getting more worked up.

He pulls on Alec’s hair harshly. “What did you say?”

Alec gasps against his mouth. “I think he was cute.”

“Are you trying to get punished.” He says and bites Alec’s lips.

“Maybe.”

Magnus drags Alec to their bedroom and shoves him down on the bed. He claims on top of Alec, who has a shit eating grin on his face and starts unbuttoning his shirts.

He drags his fingers across Alec’s chest in an agonising slow motion that has Alec whimpering slightly.

He slowly removes Alec’s pants and by the end of the night his husband is a moaning mess. Magnus marks down Alec’s entire body but specially that spot where the other guy touched Alec because he is a petty shit like that.

“Say it, Alexander”

“Say what?”

“That you’re mine.”

“I’m yours, baby.” Alec replies and traces a finger from Magnus’s forehead to his lips.

“Mine.” He repeats.

“Always yours.”

[coochiequeens]

(CNN)For many Black women, the reversal of Roe v. Wade last month not only stripped them of bodily autonomy, but created another barrier to economic security and choosing the course of their future. 

For 49 years, women have had the right to terminate a pregnancy without needing to justify it, giving some a chance to pursue their educational goals, career aspirations and start families when they were in stable situations. 

This has especially benefited Black women who continue to fight for an equal place in the US. 

Black women are three times more likely than White women to die of pregnancy-related complications; encounter racism from health care providers at higher rates; face unequal pay; and are more likely than their White counterparts to lack health insurance. 

Now advocates say millions will lose access to abortion care because their state has restricted it and they can't afford to travel for the procedure. 

CNN spoke with five Black women about their decision to get an abortion in the past and why they say the fall of Roe v. Wade could have devastating consequences.

Miriah Mark was 15 weeks pregnant last summer when she made the difficult decision to have an abortion. 

Mark, 31, said her partner had walked out of her life and she wasn't making enough money at her record label job to support a baby. The cost to rent a two-bedroom apartment in Chicago and the rising cost of childcare, Mark said, were not affordable. 

It took her a month from finding out she was pregnant to decide that she wanted an abortion. 

Mark said she had been raised by a single Black mother who worked multiple jobs, struggled to make ends meet and relied on grandparents to help care for Mark. She didn't want to repeat that cycle. 

"I don't want to raise a child in a world that doesn't have every advantage," Mark said. "I know what it's like to see children growing up in poverty. I know what it's like to be a young Black girl not having a father, or the mom not being able to be home because they have to work. It was very scary to think about all of that." 

Now, Mark said she has a chance to start her family when she's ready. She can get married and meet her educational and career goals before bringing a child into the world. 

She worries, however, that with the reversal of Roe v. Wade, other Black women will either be forced to have children or resort to unsafe, illegal abortion procedures. 

This could potentially worsen the outcomes for Black women, Mark said, who already face disparities with health care and pay. 

"It's sad and it's scary because pretty much we are going backwards historically and it makes you feel like you're going back to a time where women didn't have rights or women couldn't vote," Mark said of the Supreme Court decision. "It lets you know that we are going in the wrong direction."

When Josephine Kalipeni found out she was pregnant sophomore year of college, she said her whole world came crashing down. 

Kalipeni, who immigrated to the United States from Malawi at the age of 8, said she was trying to get out of an abusive relationship and she knew that completing her education was key to achieving economic security. She was working side jobs to pay for her classes and books while she studied sociology and political science. 

"Having a kid at such a young age while in college... I hadn't seen anyone do it," Kalipeni said. "I hadn't been surrounded by a lot of single mothers who were making education and motherhood work. I knew my parents would be disappointed. It was such a bad and heavy situation for me."

To make matters worse, Kalipeni said she was hospitalized at two months with an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured. An ectopic pregnancy happens when a fertilized egg grows outside a woman's uterus. The risks are internal bleeding, infection and even death.

She spoke with a doctor and they ultimately aborted her pregnancy. However, there are growing concerns in the medical community about how health care providers can treat an ectopic pregnancy with the Supreme Court ruling.

Kalipeni went on to become a social worker and is now the executive director of Family Values @Work. She vowed to continue advocating for women, mobilizing voters and she's urging lawmakers to protect women's rights. 

Kalipeni said it's saddening to know that many Black and brown women with high risk pregnancies, financial insecurity and abusive partners won't have the abortion access she had. 

"I am so angry," Kalipeni said. "And it's that mad, tearful anger. Because it just feels like there is a constant need to justify the humanity of being a Black woman."

Alana Edmondson was 21 years old and working a low wage retail job in Seattle to pay her way through community college when she found out she was pregnant. Edmondson said she knew having a child would make it harder to finish college -- she was already struggling to pay tuition and had suspended her studies several times. Edmondson also had bigger dreams. She wanted to some day go to Yale University and earn her Phd. 

"It was already very, very hard and there were already enough obstacles in the way of me achieving what I wanted to achieve" Edmondson said. "It seemed like adding a pregnancy and a child to that mix would just make it harder, and why would I want to do that to myself?"

She and her partner decided to get an abortion. 

Edmondson said the decision allowed her to choose the future she wanted. She finished community college, earned a bachelor's degree at the University of Washington and got accepted into Yale where she is currently in her third year. She said she is one step closer to having a career as a college professor. 

Edmondson said it sickens her to know that Black women in many parts of the country won't have access to abortion care. Women with forced pregnancies may have to sacrifice their educational and career goals, Edmondson said. The impact, she said, could be Black women repeating the cycle of poverty or generational trauma in their families.

"It feels like they desperately want to trap us," Edmondson said. "It just seems like another way to poison Black communities and to trap Black women. And when you trap Black women you trap the whole family unit." 

Kiah Morris is on the front lines fighting for women to have the right to choose abortion and to choose their future. 

Morris, a former Vermont state legislator, traveled with a group earlier this month to protest the Supreme Court's decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. 

Morris said despite Vermont being a state that protects abortion rights, she and other demonstrators felt an urgency to rally for women across the country. In addition to abortion rights, Morris has also advocated for low to no cost contraception for all. 

"There's anger, there's frustration, there's righteous rage," said Morris who leads the nonprofit Rights & Democracy. "It's a whole cycle of emotions." 

Morris said she knows firsthand that abortion access can improve the outcome of women's lives. She received an abortion her freshman year of college when she was in an unstable and emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, Morris said she was struggling with her mental health and her boyfriend had expressed he wasn't interested in having a family with her. 

"It was the most difficult decision I've ever made," she said. "I knew I wanted to be in the right mental health space to (have a baby). I wanted to be in the right circumstance. A college freshman is not someone who is ready to raise a child."

Morris said the abortion allowed her to put off starting a family until later in life when she was mature, in a healthy relationship and mentally stable. She now has an 11-year-old son. 

Abortion access, Morris said, gives Black women control over their own bodies and a chance to reach economic prosperity. Since slavery, Black women have suffered the consequences of unplanned pregnancies, she said. Historically, Black women have been conditioned to believe they should carry the pregnancy even if they aren't in an ideal family or financial situation, Morris said. Abortion gave them another option, she said. 

"My concern is that the very little gains we've made are lost," she said. "Black women, we are still invisible, we are still forgotten within all of this."

When Jackie McGranahan learned that Roe v. Wade was overturned, she briefly lingered in her car before going into her Louisville office where she works as a policy strategist for the ACLU of Kentucky. 

"I thought, in this moment, at this time, right now, while I'm in the car, none of it is real," McGranahan said. "Even though I knew what to expect and I knew that it was coming with the leaked opinion, it didn't make it any less traumatic in the moment."

McGranahan later cried with a colleague but quickly got back to work. 

As the organization's first Reproductive Freedom Project field organizer in Kentucky where a judge temporarily blocked the state's abortion ban after the ACLU filed a lawsuit, she's in the center of the storm. McGranahan is tasked with lobbying state lawmakers to advance policies that protect reproductive freedom and LGBTQ+ equality.

In addition to abortion rights, McGranahan champions Black maternal health, paid family leave and "holding the line on birth control." 

The issues have a personal significance to McGranahan who was 22 years old and 10 weeks pregnant when she had an abortion. 

McGranahan, who already had a son and a daughter before she turned 21, said she kept quiet about the abortion for fear of being judged for her decision. 

She said she was struggling to make ends meet as a young mother and lived in a community that was largely against abortion. 

"I was in college, and I worked full time," she said. "My partner was also in school. Our family depended on my financial support...I didn't know how we were going to feed our children." 

McGranahan said her only regret was not sharing her abortion story so she could have been a source of encouragement and strength for others quietly trapped in what she describes as "a cycle of shame." 

"When someone makes this decision, they should have support and respect and be treated with dignity," she said.

[stressed-depressed-and-bored]

A response to my mother after she told me she is worried about my current direction, worried that I have been indoctrinated by school, worried that I will regret my decisions and that she wishes she homeschooled me:

I know won’t regret my current beliefs because I know they will lead to legislation that will benefit me.

As someone who has unfortunately developed a chronic disease beyond anyone’s control, I don’t believe that makes me deserve to go bankrupt at the hands of greedy private insurance and drug companies, who charge up to 10 times more for the same medications, treatments, and tests as the nationalized healthcare systems in most developed nations.

As someone making a statistically lower wage adjusted for inflation and productivity in a skilled trade than compared to 40 years ago, I want a return of strong labor unions that will help me fight companies who report record profits while wages continue to stagnate and prices continue to inflate. Corporations put profits over people, because workers are nothing but human capital to them, and they continue to aggressively lobby obscene amounts of money to bribe politicians to allow increasing violations of both domestic and international labor laws such as the Wagner Act and the UN Bill of Rights.

We are currently living in a recession not quite as bad, but nearly as bad as both the Great Depression and the time leading up to the French Revolution, with the added current threat of the nation defaulting on its debt entirely.

Income inequality in the United States is higher now than it has ever been in history, and this downward spiral of the last 40 years correlates to a couple key events:

Reagan’s cutting of FDR’s New Deal tax bracket, which placed very low taxes on the middle and lower class, and astronomically high taxes on any amount of income that exceeded a $4.2 million cap. This was a 94% tax rate on excessive wealth, and it allowed the government to employ and pay millions of Americans to build great new infrastructure, fund public education, and the middle class grew to include 60% of the American population. We had strong labor unions and strong solidarity as a unified American people, gaining high wages, high productivity, high levels of innovation, and high levels of health.

As labor rights have been weakened by Reagan and his followers, as the highest tax bracket has been reduced to only 40% above the cap, our productivity has continued to rise but wages have stagnated and remained almost completely level for 40 years, with less than 8% growth, while the pay of CEOs has now gone from 30% more than the average workers pay in the 50s and 60s to over 400% more than the average workers pay in 2022, and many corporations increasingly get away with illegal retaliation against unionizing or striking workers by using these excessive profits of stolen wages to lobby and buy our elected officials, bribing them to do corporate bidding against the needs and wants of the people.

The average American worker has gone from working 40 hours a week and being able to provide for a family on one income to two people with more than three, maybe four full time jobs between them barely being able to afford to rent a small house.

Our country can afford to fix these issues. The money is there, and the math supports it. All we have to do is reform our tax system back to New Deal standards and get corporate money out of politics. Bring the power back to working Americans.

And under the New Deal, there was enough money to fund public universities for free or nearly free. Free public university is not a radical idea. We had it before, and it worked well. Other nations have it.

All of our allies have universal healthcare and free public university, and nearly every single one of them completely outclasses the United States in education, health, life expectancy, and happiness. And they have less money than we do as a nation to accomplish it. And they do it while working half the amount of hours that Americans do. Y’all have been indoctrinated into believing that this makes them lazy, but you’re wrong. It makes them strong. They have these things because they are strong. Because they are unified. They are a United people who possess more power together in solidarity than their government can ever dream of having.

The United States is the wealthiest nation on earth. The problem is that 90% of this wealth is held by a small handful of multi-billionaires, who use their money to buy politicians and the media, when they aren’t storing it in offshore accounts to evade what little taxes they should be currently paying.

I entered into the world to make it on my own as a skilled tradesman and quickly learned that trickle down economics was a lie, and the numbers and policies that prove it are readily and vastly available and have lead us full speed into failure.

None of this is anything I learned in school. All of this is what I’ve learned trying to enter the work force, trying to live on my own, and from reading actual policies rather than taking the media and the politicians at their word. The actual policies speak volumes. The numbers speak volumes. And they often contradict our elected officials’ word.

School taught me to read and to write, and how to collect and read data objectively, how to read historical events so that we can avoid past disasters that are prone to repeating.

And home schooling promotes individualism and weak social skills, which are a disaster, as they weaken American solidarity, and therefore weaken the American people’s’ ability to be United and powerful.

School did not teach me my current political and economic beliefs.

I learned them on my own, mostly within the past three years of trying to make it in what has increasingly become apparent as a rigged, classist system currently engaged in an incredibly aggressive class and culture war fueled by corporate money.

Privatization is not the solution. It is the problem.

We need strong leaders like FDR, now. We need a return of New Deal style policy, now.

[theevangelion]

I don’t know what’s going on with you and your writing but I hope the intermission is because you’ve found some happiness offline. I hope to see you back? I check every day for updates. I still subscribe to your Patreon, and I’m excited to see the film things you’re making, but I hope fanfiction can still be part of your future too. 7 years ago, your words found me as a closeted queer trans kid, and me and the Clexa stories grew up together. I miss them like an old friend.

Fuck man, this just hit me in the feels.

It feels only fair to give you an expansive response that begets such a very kind and touching message, in the hopes that maybe it might reach some of the other people who have also been kind enough to check in on me over these last few months.

One of the things I attach shame to is that I keep saying I’m working on the last chapter of Talder, along with other prompts too, and for some time now, you haven’t seen femslash or updates from me. I’m not lying, I am working on it, but truth be told, sometimes working on things—while I’m working through things—happens one sentence at a time, one keyboard tap to the next.

I go through periods where I can write twelve chapters in a day. If I was a smarter business woman, I would ration them out, give myself an insurance policy should I need to take some mental health time. Problem is, the good stretches last for so long that I forget I’m fallible to burn out, along with developments in my personal life that make it hard to sit down and write about happy sexy things.

The end of last year, I found myself struggling through a suicidal episode. A bad one. I started crawling out of the hole, and for the second time in twelve years of writing, I gave myself the grace to recover without needing permission. Not because I want to pull wool over people’s eyes, or take £3.00 a month without providing much in return, but very much because I needed to make serious intervention with my mental health.

Two great things happened. I started getting better; I also found some joy offline that I wanted to share with you guys, online. I have said for a few years how I saw a vision of the future where I was making diversified content for you guys, not just fanfiction, but the cinematic depiction of those stories in all of their erotic, extremely hardcore, tense, sometimes horrific narratives, made by queer women, for queer women, with a lot of authentic love to the projects too.

When I was at my lowest, the dominatrix I wrote the little kinky memoirs about—the one I had all the terribly big fights with—she was there. Didn’t need to be, we hadn’t been on anywhere close to good terms in at least eighteen months, but she reached out and she consistently extended space for me to engage and create things with her that left me feeling so very proud.

I found myself in a position where, yes, I was still working on writing, one sentence at a time, but I have lately also been creating the kind of content I had always wanted to work towards making for the community I have spent the last twelve years of my life making little dirty worlds for. I was also, maybe, potentially, slipping into my own little “The Calling” moment. If you know that story, you know what I mean. 

This last month, I think I’ve been a bit too excited and consumed with creating these new things, and not focused enough on the bread we have all historically broken together.

I will always, always be a fanfiction writer. I’ll always be femslash. I’ll always be in the pits of the ship community. I will be here, in fifty years time, writing the outlandish and delicious prompts that I hold such passion for fulfilling. There may be periods, hopefully only ever once every few years, where I do need to take a moment of pause, because unfortunately I am somebody with mental illness, and that means taking decisive action in the moments I become unwell.

But I’m here, and I’m writing, always a little more than the day before, and I am doing better in myself, and even in the moments I am not at the keyboard, I’m still creating things—with someone who cares about my happiness and wellbeing, even if the scene we’re portraying for camera is Black Gloves x10—with the vision of sharing it with you guys.

Thank you for giving me the grace to be the shitbag you have all known and loved for the last twelve years.

We’re the real love story in this equation, me, you guys, and sometimes @kendrene as our delicious third.

[cowboylikedean]

Something I’ve noticed..... 

The veterinary community is VERY tightknit and VERY adverse to criticism. Vets will band together and defend each other almost blindly. The idea that we, pet parents, know more about our animals and their specific conditions more than some random vet does is seen as ridiculous. Asking questions and demanding a second opinion... Or even just a reason and explanation for an existing opinion... is deemed “wrong,” “bad,” “annoying,” “rude.” 

A few weeks ago, a vet told me to put my cat down when she came in for an emergency visit. She implied I was selfish for saying no. Two hours later, my cat’s condition had improved ON HER OWN so much that she was comfortable discharging her to come home. She was sent home with dewormer. When I asked “do we have any reason to think she has worms?” I was met with frustration at the question and I was told “this will help.” I asked “How?” I was met with more frustration and again told “this will help.” 

I was asking because this particular cat had gone through MANY rounds of dewormer when I first got her this past August and she is an indoor only cat. Her having worms would be a) very concerning and b) I would like to know what I need to do to ensure that we ACTUALLY kill the worms this time. The vet, however, didn’t care. She didn’t want to answer my questions. She wanted me to be a good little pet owner and take the meds home and do what she said. 

I was just reading on @ask-a-vetblr and their rules state that they will not “engage in vet-bashing,” whatever the hell that means, in their FIRST FAQ point which is about questioning a vet or wanting a second opinion. I have had a vet I feel was actually and fully medically neglectful to my cat -- which resulted in the death of that cat. A pet parent dealing with that is terrified and doesn’t know what to do. They need guidance and compassion. Not anger and defensiveness.

I think we need to understand that vets are doctors. And doctors are not immune to mistakes. It is healthy and should be encouraged to ask your doctor questions. You are prescribed a medication and you SHOULDN’T be shamed or made to feel bad for asking basic questions like “What is this medication for?” “How does this medication work?” “What can I do to change my diet/behavior/environment/life to ensure this health problem doesn’t reoccur?” Most people will agree these questions shouldn’t be responded to defensively or negatively and a doctor responding to these negatively is a HUGE redflag of a potentially abusive or neglectful doctor. All of these are questions I’ve seen, personally, vets get very angry and upset hearing. And by that I mean most vets I’ve seen asked these questions have reacted poorly enough that if they were my own human doctor, I’d have left the appointment without paying and called my insurance company to block payment immediately.

Blogs like ask-a-vetblr should be teaching people how to navigate disagreeing or questioning their vets. Vets online should be providing us with resources to advocate best for our non-human loved ones. Instead, there’s a power play of dismissiveness and defensiveness that I feel really needs to be addressed. This imagined “war” between “pet parents” and “vets” shouldn’t exist! 

And you can see vet resentment of pet parents in other places too. When covid first started, I saw so many vets online posting about how happy they were they got to do their jobs with the sick pets while the “annoying people” waited outside. I’ve known people in vet school who said their classmates frequently talk about how they are becoming vets because they “hate people” or “animals are so much better than people.” I heard one vet student a few years ago say she was becoming a vet because she wanted to “protect animals from their owners.” 

Pet parents want what’s best for their pets too. We’re all out here doing our best. And yeah, there’s shitty pet parents who don’t care. And yeah, there’s a lot of excuses about non-human animal neglect. And yeah, there’s very little consensus on what IS neglect of our non-human animals. But none of that excuses this power play abusive dynamic between vets and pet parents. We SHOULD be able to challenge you and you SHOULD welcome that. A pet parent who is observant and attentive enough to their pets and their needs to ask you questions and challenge you on certain things should be WELCOME and ENCOURAGED! You should WANT to explain everything to us so we can better understand. The goal is “fewer sick pets.” We, also, share that goal!!! We are not your enemy! 

I just find this dynamic truly abusive and awful and almost no one speaks about it. Medical abuse isn’t just a human problem. It is not socially acceptable for human doctors to act like this anymore and it shouldn’t be socially acceptable for vets either. NO medical professional should behave this way. No matter what species they serve. 

*NOTE: I tagged ask-a-vetblr for a quick easy link to an example of what I’m talking about NOT because I want to fight anyone. That blog is not the only place I’ve seen it -- its just the post that inspired me to make this post and, therefore, a quick and easy link. 

[thefirsttree]

A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind…  I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

[goingfullpogue]

So thoughts on Kie and her parents:

In season 1 I really felt for her parents because like it or not, Kie was putting them through a lot and she was being disrespectful/selfish regarding them. They deserve at least a text letting them know she’s okay, a phone call, or even a check in at home. At that point they only wanted the best for her.

Season two on the other hand…

In the beginning of their first fight with her in s2 I also felt for the whole family, they’re all just trying to get through this horrible horrible time and they were watching their daughter go through something terrible and she was, in all fairness, handling it badly.

They lost me however the SECOND Anna said “if you’re not back by a reasonable hour, THEN DON’T COME BACK AT ALL”

I do not give a shit how angry you are with your child, that is never okay. You are the one who signed up to have a kid, your kid did not ASK to be born. When they are struggling you are supposed to help them, not beat them down. I understand Kie was being frustrating and obstinate but threatening that was over the line.

They could have done anything else! Stopped paying her phone bill and car insurance, grounded her, made her agree to go to therapy, etc. But instead Anna threatened to take away her home, and then ended up following through on that.

Once they went down that road it no longer read as parental concern, to me it read as control issues and manipulation. They didn’t care about her mental health or emotional well being anymore, it was all about having physical control over her whereabouts and wanting to Be In Charge.

That is absolutely unforgivable and the second Anna screamed for Kie to “get her butt out of her house” I lost all respect for her parents and all sympathy I ever had for them. Again, they are the ones that had a child. Part of taking on that responsibility means providing food, shelter and emotional support for at least 18 years. Kicking your child out of your home when they’re underage because you’re upset with them is despicable.

(That’s not even mentioning how they happily had dinner and went on with their lives without her for several days like it didn’t matter at all, that’s a whole other post waiting to be written)

Anyway, that’s my hot take

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Privacy Without Monopoly, EU edition

Tech monopoly apologists insist that there’s something exceptional about tech that makes it so concentrated: “network effects” (when a product gets better because more people use it, like a social media service).

They’re wrong.

Tech is concentrated because the Big Tech companies buy up or crush their nascent competitors — think of Facebook’s predatory acquisition of Instagram, which Zuckerberg admitted (in writing!) was driven by a desire to recapture the users who were leaving FB in droves.

Google’s scale is driven by acquisitions — Search and Gmail are Google’s only successful in-house products. Everything else, from Android to Youtube to their entire ad-tech stack, was once a standalone business that Google captured.

Monopolies extract monopoly rents — like those delivered by Googbook’s crooked ad-tech marketplaces, or Apple/Google’s 30% app shakedown — and use them to maintain their monopolies. Google gives Apple billions every year so it will be the default Ios and Safari search.

These are the same tactics that every monopolist uses — high-stakes moneyball that creates a “kill-zone” around the monopolist’s line of business that only a fool would try to enter. Tech DOES have network effects, but that’s not what’s behind tech monopolies.

We see monopolies in industries from bookselling to eyeglasses, accounting to cheerleading uniforms, pro wrestling to energy, beer to health insurance. These monopolies all follow Big Tech’s template of mobilizing monopoly rents to buy or crush all competition.

The differences between the anticompetitive tactics that monopolized these industries are largely cosmetic — swap out a few details and you might well be describing how John D Rockefeller and Standard Oil monopolized the oil markets in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

Big Tech does have network effects, but these are actually a tool that can be used to dismantle monopolies, as well as maintaining them. Network effects are double-edged swords: if a service gets more valuable as users join, it also gets less valuable as users leave.

If you want to understand the anticompetitive structure of the tech industry, you’d be better off analyzing switching costs, not network effects. Switching costs are the things you have to give up when you leave a service behind.

If your customers, community, family members or annotated photos and other memories are locked up in Facebook’s walled garden (or if you’ve got money sunk in proprietary media or apps on Apple’s, etc), then the switching cost is losing access to all of that.

Here’s where tech really is different: tech has intrinsically low switching costs. Latent in all digital technology is the capacity to interoperate, to plug a new service into an old one, to run an old app inside a simulator (“runtime”).

There’s no good technical reason you can’t leave Facebook but take your treasured photos with you — and continue to exchange messages with the people you left behind.

True, Facebook has gone to extraordinary lengths to keep its switching costs high, deploying technical countermeasures to block interoperability. But these aren’t particularly effective. Lots of people have figured out how to reverse-engineer FB and plug new things into it.

Power Ventures created an app that aggregated your FB feed with feeds from rival services, giving you a single dashboard. NYU’s Ad Observer scraps the political ads FB shows you for analysis to check whether FB is enforcing its own paid political disinformation rules.

And there’s a whole constellation of third-party Whatsapp clients that add features FB has decided Whatsapp users don’t deserve, like the ability to block read-receipts or run multiple accounts on the same device.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/03/african-whatsapp-modders-are-masters-worldwide-adversarial-interoperability

Most of these are technical successes, but they’re often legal failures. FB has used the monopoly rents it extracted to secure radical new laws and new interpretations of existing laws to make these tactics illegal.

Power Ventures was sued into oblivion. Ad Observer is fighting for its life. The Whatsapp mods are still going strong, but that may be down to the jurisdictions where they thrive — sub-Saharan Africa — where FB has less legal muscle.

With low switching costs, much of FB’s monopoly protection evaporates. Lots of people hate FB, and FB knows it. You’re on FB because your friends are there. Your friends are there because you’re there. You’ve taken each other hostage, and FB benefits.

With low switching costs, you could leave FB — but not your friends. The kill zone disappears. All we need is interoperability.

Enter the EU’s Digital Services Act and Digital Markets Act, proposed regulations to force interop on the biggest Big Tech players.

The EU has recognized that mandating interop can reduce switching costs, and reducing switching costs can weaken monopoly power.

Some critics (like me!) of the EU proposals say they don’t go far enough, asking for “full interop” for rival services.

Against these calls for broader interop come warnings about the privacy implications of forcing FB to open up its servers to rivals. It’s hard enough to keep FB from abusing its users’ privacy, how will we keep track of a constellation of services that can access user data?

Last Feb, Bennett Cyphers and I published “Privacy Without Monopoly,” for EFF, describing how interoperability can enhance privacy.

Interop means that users can choose services that have better privacy policies than Facebook or other incumbent platforms.

https://www.eff.org/wp/interoperability-and-privacy

But in theory, it means that users could choose worse services — services that have worse privacy policies, services that might be able to grab your friends’ data along with your own (say, the pictures you took of them and brought with you, or their private messages to you).

That’s why, in our paper, we say that interop mandates have to be backstopped by privacy rules — democratically accountable rules from lawmakers or regulators, not self-serving “privacy” limitations set by the Big Tech companies themselves.

For example, Facebook aggressively imports your address books when you sign up, to connect you to the people you know (this isn’t always a good experience — say, if your stalker has you in their address book and automatically gets “friended” with you).

If you try to take your address book with you when you quit, FB claims your contact list isn’t “yours” — it belongs to your contacts. To protect their privacy, FB has to block you from exporting the data — making it it much harder to establish social ties on a new service.

It’s not obvious who that contact info “belongs to” (if “belong to” is even the right way to talk about private information that implicates multiple people!).

But what is obvious is that Facebook can’t be trusted to make that call.

Not only has Facebook repeatedly disqualified itself from being trusted to defend its users’ privacy, but it also has a hopeless conflict of interest, because privacy claims can be used to raise switching costs and shore up its monopoly.

In our paper, Bennett and I say that these thorny questions should be resolved democratically, not in a corporate boardroom.

Now, as it happens, there’s a region where 500M people are protected by a broad, democratically enacted privacy law: Europe, home of the GDPR.

Today, in a new appendix to “Privacy Without Monopoly,” EFF has published “The GDPR, Privacy and Monopoly,” my analysis of how the GDPR makes interoperability safer from a privacy perspective.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/06/gdpr-privacy-and-monopoly

Working with EFF’s Christoph Schmon and Bennett Cyphers, we develop a detailed analysis of the GDPR, and describe how the GDPR provides a lawful framework for resolving thorny questions about consent and blended title to data.

The GDPR itself seeks to promote interoperability; it’s right there in Recital 68: “data controllers should be encouraged to develop interoperable formats that enable data portability.” But loopholes in the rules have allowed dominant companies to stymie interop.

For years, Europeans have had the “right” to port their data, but nowhere to port that data to. The DMA closes the loopholes and dismantles the hurdles that kept switching costs high.

The GDPR’s consent/security/minimization framework sets out the parameters for any interoperability, meaning we don’t have to trust Facebook (or Google, or Amazon, or Apple) to decide when interop must be blocked “to defend users’ privacy” (and also shareholders’ profits).

Big Tech platforms already have consent mechanisms (and must continue to build them) to create the legal basis for processing user data. An interoperable FB could be a consent conduit, letting your friends decide when and whether you can take their data to a new service.

And the GDPR (not a tech executive) also determines when a new service meets the privacy standards needed for interop. It governs how that new service must handle user data, and it gives users a way to punish companies that break the rules.

Today, if you leave Facebook, your friends might not even notice. But in a world where FB is a consent conduit to manage your departure and resettlement, all your friends get signals about your departure — perhaps prompting them to consider whether they should go, too.

Far from prohibiting interop, the GDPR enables it, by creating an explicit privacy framework that is consistent across all services, both the old monopolies and the new co-ops, startups, public utilities, and other alternatives that interop would make possible.

Monopolies distort the world in two ways. The most obvious harm is to competition, choking out or buying out every alternative, so you have to live by whatever rules the monopolist sets.

But the other kind of harm is even worse: monopolists can use their political power to get away with terrible abuses.

Ad-tech concentration produced monopoly rents that blocked or weakened privacy law for decades, allowing for a grotesque degree of commercial surveillance.

We don’t want competition in surveillance.

Opening space for interop poses a legitimate risk of creating a contest to see who can violate your human rights most efficiently.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/06/08/leona-helmsley-was-a-pioneer/#monkeys-paw

Yet, it’s obvious that monopolists themselves shouldn’t get to decide where they should be subjected to competition and where they should be subjected to regulation. That’s a job for democratic institutions, not autocratic board-rooms.

Adding privacy regulation (strong privacy regulation, with a private right of action allowing users to sue companies for breaking the rules) to interop is how we resolve this conundrum, how we make sure we’re banning surveillance, rather than “democratizing” it.

[mcyt-transcribed]

transcript of “where I've been”

TW for discussion of cancer and Covid-19

 Here’s the Google Doc link or you can click on the read more.

Techno: Yo, Technoblade here with another upload, oh my God I can’t believe it. We’re back, we’re playing Bedwars, uh, I don’t know why I said that in the present tense because I actually recorded these Bedwars games a few days ago. I have- I’ve played like, almost no Bedwars since the win streak, which was like, I dunno, years ago - so, you know, forgive me if I’m a little rusty. These are literally just the first three games of Bedwars I played, recorded them, and then just threw them in this background footage because, you know, I like live commentaries a lot, but I feel like sometimes, when you have a topic to talk about, having to play a video game simultaneously can sorta- it can sorta detract from the commentary, you know?

But before that: a plushie commercial filmed on my iPhone.

We got the first one - it’s Technoblade. He’s in a flying pose. He’s flying to save some civilians or he’s falling flat on his face. Depends on who you ask. Alright. We got the- We got Technoblade. He’s sitting down. He’s- He’s seated. He’s seated. It’s incredibly exciting. Uh, we got- we got Technoblade but he’s- he’s a giant- he’s a gigantic pillow. It’s Technopillow. This is actually- This is actually really- This is really soft. You’re gonna have to take my word for it.

These plushies go on sale on September 3rd at 3 PM EST at youtooz.com. The last ones sold out in around eight hours, so be prepared. I mean, one of them was like, two minutes but ehhh, it’s not happening again.

So where has Technoblade been? I know I’ve been gone since like, June. I was actually being really productive in July, which I know you guys are gonna- You’re not gonna believe me when I say that because I made no content. But I was! I was, you gotta believe me, okay? I was getting so much work done IRL; I was like, filling out paperwork, making business moves, working on merchandise, buying new equipment to make new videos. ‘Cause I really wanted- I really wanted to increase the rate at which I was making videos, ‘cause I kinda spent- You know, I kinda spent like, all this time becoming a famous YouTube and then instantly like, stopped uploading. Which, I mean, to be fair, I guess that started more in like 2018. So, that’s more just a pattern now.

 But I figured, you know, this whole thing where I go two- you know, one or two months without uploading- I don’t want that to be me, man. I wanna be uploading at least once per week. So I spent a lot of time preparing to do that. And the plan was that I would start doing that in August, but I took a- It didn’t- It’s, uh- It’s not going great, I’m not going to lie to you.

So in the last two days of July I noticed that my right arm was starting to hurt a decent amount and I thought- My best guess was that it was some kind of repetitive stress injury, ‘cause you know I’ve been playing video games since the age of like, five. It’s pretty much nonstop. I was gonna get carpal tunnel at some point but, uh, I took a few days to rest my arm and it really didn’t… really didn’t feel any better after that. And so after a few days of that, I looked at myself in the mirror and I noticed that my right shoulder was starting to swell like crazy and I was like, “Oh my God! I must’ve broken a bone, this is-” I mean, this- It looked- it looked crazy.

So, you know, the next day - August 2nd - I, uh, headed over to the doctor to see what was wrong and uh, they ran a couple of scans and then they came back and they told me that, uh, the reason my arm hurts is because I have cancer.

That really couldn’t have gone worse, I don’t think. I feel a bit silly talking about this with, uh, Minecraft in the background; it feels a bit out of place. But I’m a Minecraft YouTuber - I don’t- I don’t do a face cam. Which is I guess how most people would talk about serious things, with a face cam. I also probably, uh- *chuckles* Also probably a bit weird to plug my merchandise in the- in the same video, like, “Hey, guys, I have a- I have a terrible disease, also buy my plushies, bro.” But uh- *laughs* Listen: I’ve been waiting so many months to sell those plushies, bro. And it keeps getting delayed and now cancer thinks it can stop me. No no no no no. I’m trying to make some bank, bro. I wanna get paid, also they look fantastic, I mean just look at them, they look incredible. Alright?

I mean, I guess it would be ideal to like, split up the announcements, but I’m going back into chemotherapy next week; I don’t got time for this, man. We gotta go!

To be fair, I could make this a lot weirder; I could have like, the thumbnail be a giant red arrow pointing to my tumor with the caption “Might die! Not clickbait!” *laughs* Yeah, just the ultimate- the ultimate YouTuber, bro. We’re clickbaiting the whole process.

So after the scans come in, I get transferred to another hospital which has an oncology award, so it’s a lot more specialized towards what I need. And I’m sorta like sitting there in the bed for a couple of days like, “Hello. Could I please get some healthcare? Could I- Could I just get a- Could I just get a crumb of healthcare? Please! Like, I *stutters* I wanna see people sprinting, you know? I feel like I want to see some urgency, you know? If you guys gotta- *stammers* You know, there’s like, this tumor on my arm - if you guys could just- if you guys could just get rid of it. Just get rid of it right now! Could we just go? If you gotta cut off my arm, cut off my arm, bro - do what you gotta do. I won’t complain, man, I’ve won enough Minecraft tournaments. I’ll just play Minecraft with my feet from here on out, bro. I’ll still be B tier at least, okay? It’s fine. Do what you gotta do.”

But then the doctors are telling me, “Oh, well, we can’t- we can’t do it immediately. We gotta- We gotta find out what it is, we gotta run some tests, do a biopsy.” I’m like, “Okay, do the biopsy.” Like, “Oh, well first we gotta do some scans.” I’m like, “Alright, dude, the scans.” And so it took a couple of days and then they did a biopsy, uh, three days later. And then I was like, “Alright. Let’s go!” And they were like, “Oh, well, the biopsy is gonna take like, a week or more to get back.” And I’m just sitting here like, “Bruh, please. Please, just treat me.”

I mean, it makes sense. It makes a lot of sense and I’m sure they know what they’re doing, but I’m just sitting there in the hospital like, “Please. Please, healthcare.” So they get the biopsy and they send me home and they’re saying like, I’ll come back in like a week or so when they have a treatment plan prepared, and so I- It was a very fun week at home ‘cause I was sitting there still not getting treated and I was just like, looking at my tumor like, “Alright, Mr. Tumor. You know, you need me to survive so it’s in your best interest to just- to just chill out for a little bit, you know? We don’t wanna go too crazy.”

And faintly- Faintly if you strain your ears, underneath my skin you can hear:

[Dream’s speedrun music plays for a few seconds]

Techno: Yeah, it was a really fun week. But I did finally get started on chemotherapy, which is a wonderful process. Let me explain chemotherapy. So basically uh, you know how society has progressed for thousands of years of technological and medical innovation? So basically, one of the top three ways we have to fight cancer is uh, for you to go to the hospital and then they uh, plug you into a machine and then they inject poison directly into your veins for several days. That’s uh, that’s one of the best ways we’ve got of going about this and the poison- it’s supposed to kill the cancer - it uh, also kills things like, you know, blood. But ehhh, does anybody really need blood? I feel like it’s pretty optional, you know? Uh- *small laugh* Blood for the Blood God as it were, alright? Uh, I’ll take what I can get.

I, uh, you know, I used to have a channel meme- ‘cause back in the day- you know how my motivation always goes up and down in, like, cycles? I used to have a meme where whenever I’d get super motivated I’d, ya know, I’d start uploading, like crazy. I’d also do things like get a haircut. And, so, I joked that, uh, the less hair I had, the more I’d upload. ‘Cause that’s- the hair was holding me back. And so, if that’s still true, I gotta say, chemotherapy, that’s gotta be daily uploads or something, bro. *laughs* It’s gonna be- Chemotherapy Arc is gonna be fantastic for content.

Well, ya know, after I got diagnosed, I, uh, I’ve been making a lot of phone calls- ya know, informing all of my distant family members about the situation- and, I gotta say, of all the phone calls I’ve made, nobody took the news worse than my health insurance provider. They’ve been inconsolable for weeks. They were like, “You got what!? No!” 

I mean, I had no idea they cared so much. They’ve just- oh my God. I- I think they’re the real victims of this. I mean, could you imagine? Could you imagine? Like, look at me! I was a healthy twenty-two year old, I, like, barely went to the doctor, even for, like, regular appointments. I- I guess I went to the dentist, that’s the one thing I did. I was the freest paycheck they’ve ever seen in their lives. They could’ve been milking money off of me for decades. And then, bam, cancer, bro. *laughs* Oh, those poor guys. 

Uh, the one- the one favor I- I do wanna ask- If you guys could all do one small favor for Technoblade- uh, you know that coronavirus thing you been hearing in the news for the last couple of years? Uh, I want you guys to get rid of it. Just, uh, I want it gone. Just a couple days should be sufficient for you guys to do that.

No, but, seriously. I’m kind of, uh, immunocompromised right now, which means, uh, if a bacteria touches me or, like, a virus touches me, I will explode. So, yeah, uh, I wanna- get the vaccine, is what I’m saying.

I’m gonna get cancelled by the anti-vaxxers for saying it, but it’s such a good vaccine, bro. Pfizer got full FDA approval, this week, for people aged sixteen and up. I think you- you can also get it if you’re eleven to fifteen if you’ve got emergency approval or whatever. Uh, I mean, if you have any concerns, don’t listen to a Minecraft YouTuber, but, please, at least talk to a doctor. Because it’s- it’s so good bro. It’s so good.

The hospitals are currently getting flooded by unvaccinated people. I’m gonna go ahead and speak on behalf of all cancer patients when I say that it is incredibly annoying when the- when the hospitals are getting overworked by people dying of preventable diseases. I’m just saying- we got dibs on those hospital beds. So, ya know, you- you probably don’t- you don’t even want them really. You don’t even want to need them. So, I think the vaccine… what is it? It, like, reduces the chances of you needing hospitalization from Covid by, like, ninety-six percent? I mean, it’s so effective, bro! Come on! I mean, you might still get, like… I mean, you could still catch coronavirus, but, like, the symptoms are gonna be so much milder, bro, I’m just saying. Think about it. Think about it. Talk to a doctor.

I remember when I first went in for chemotherapy, A: I was thrilled, ‘cause, like, yo! Healthcare! Inject it into my veins, bro! Let’s go! But, also, like, the first couple of days were actually pretty chill. I was like, ‘Dang! This is easy, bro!’. And then it kicked in. And then it kicked in. My energy levels were zero; they were absolutely nothing. It’s hard to describe how tired I was, but I think my one example is- so they let me go back home. And after several days of resting, I had a virtual appointment with a doctor. And, so, they were, like, ‘Alright’. And I was just sitting there, like, ‘Wait a second. You guys want me to sit upright in a chair for an hour? What is this, the Olympics, bro? I’m going back to bed! What? What?’ *laughs* ‘Wha? Let’s calm down here. Sitting in a chair? Am I Superman? Like, come one, bro.’

As you can probably tell, I’m feeling a lot better right now. Which is, uh, I think that’s part of the process, is, uh, you get a little bit of recovery time to, uh, ya know, eat a lot of really good food- get the weight back- and get ready for the next round.

And, uh, before we go back for the next round, I’m gonna be playing a lot of video games, uh, making some content, seeing if I can get some more videos prepared, because, uh- I know people are gonna be like, ‘No! Technoblade! You don’t need to make videos for us! Please rest!’

Nah, this isn’t about you, bro. This is about me. I enjoy this, man. This is, like, one of the safest and most fun things I could be doing right now, bro, I’m gonna do it. I don’t know how much content I could make, ‘cause I’m kinda slow, but we’ll see. We’ll see.

I already have a video prepared for next week, uh, September third. You guys are gonna love it. It’s, uh, it was actually- it’s kind of, kind of an old video. It was, uh, from a few months ago, but it’s very good. So, yeah! You guys have that to look forward to. 

And, for the record, I know I’ve been complaining a lot in this video, but I just wanna clarify that the doctors I have are, like, insanely good, bro. I’m gonna be getting some of the finest healthcare in the world, so don’t worry about me too much.

I think the treatment has already started to show some results. I- I mean, it’s been so short of a time, so the results aren’t gonna be insane or anything, but, at the very least, the speedrun music has stopped playing. 

So, yeah, that’s where I’ve been and that’s what I’m gonna be doing for the foreseeable future. Wish me luck, and, uh, wear a mask, I guess. Ya know, standard coronavirus procedures. All that coronavirus stuff and like, getting vaccinated - that goes double for Californians, okay? But it helps everywhere.

Uh, that’s all I’ve got for today. See you guys next time!

[castiowl]

i am so close to going full tanya harding on my psych practice’s knee so i just need to rant

first of all i’ve had 9 fucking MH professionals to deal with medication management in the last 2 years. NINE. the longest i had one was for about 7 months, which thankfully was the first one i had after my mental health crisis in 2019 so i was at least able to get my meds figured out and be pretty stable before the fucking Great Psychiatry Exodus where every single provider decided to leave the fucking practice they were at after one (1) whole session with me.

the last three i had, i told them my bad luck with providers and how they all leave the practice and i swear to god all 3 of them said “oh haha well i’m not leaving any time soon!” and then they left LMFAOO

the last 2 i had were from the same practice so i decided to switch to a different practice. especially after my most recent provider was only there for 6 months before leaving. clearly something weird going on.

new practice seems great. easy to use website and so easy to set up an appt. had my first appt, once again stressing that i’ve not had the same provider twice in a row in a year and a half now. provider was super nice and was like wow! that sucks! well i’m not going anywhere :-)

i get an email before my second appt saying i have $250 to pay still from my first session and if i don’t pay it, the appt will be canceled. what the fuck. then i figure out they don’t have my correct insurance information which is partially on me, but i always forget what falls under major medical vs behavioral health because i have two different insurances for those. so i call and explain and give them the correct info. i guess it was on me for not confirming that my appt wouldn’t be canceled….but i show up for my appt (online waiting room) and my provider is online but she never connects with me. i waited a full 45 mins and then she signs off. i was like ??? okay???

so i call the office and they’re like oh your appt was canceled because you didn’t pay. so first of all 1) you didn’t tell me the appt was canceled. fuck you for that. would’ve been nice to receive a fucking email or something so i don’t show up like a jackass 2) i explained that i called to fix the problem so what the fuck? and 3) now i’m out of medication so i need to see a provider…

(also just fucking annoying that my provider could clearly see i was signed in/waiting for her in the waiting room and didn’t bother to just send me a quick IM saying hey your appt was canceled! just let me sit there for a fucking hour)

office person is like well her next appt isn’t until july 26 (this appt was july 6) and i was like fucking great let’s do it. they sent me to the nurse to ask about medication. had to leave a message. whatever.

i ended up just paying the $250 because i didn’t want THIS appt to be canceled too. i figured once the claim went through i’d be refunded but i haven’t been home and my behavioral health insurance does everything through snail mail in the year 2021 :-)

i get a call from the nurse and she’s like oh yeah we can refill your Rx no problem so like finally some good news. but then i say i’m in florida and could they send it to the walgreens down here? and she’s like ohhhh we don’t send meds across state lines usually so i’ll have to ask your provider. excuse me? so no client can go on vacation for longer than their medicine allows? literally how is that okay? besides the fact that where i pick up my meds is none of their business. literally. like i could’ve had them send it to the walgreens in VA and then call walgreens to transfer it for me and they’d be none the wiser (i ended up doing this for one med because i was so over it). anyway. got my meds. it’s all good.

so my second appt rolls around today. everything is great. the balance was paid. i received a call friday confirming the appt.

however. lol. the portal they have stopped letting me log into the desktop version. my phone is fine. zero problems. but the exact same user name password on desktop says it’s wrong. i swear i checked it like 30 times. didn’t work. so i was like okay whatever i’ll just go straight to my provider’s online waiting room. i did so. logged in there. waiting. ten minutes past the appt i was like…..i swear to fucking god if they canceled on my and didn’t tell me again i’m gonna commit a crime. call the office. apparently if you’re on hold for more than 5 mins, they send you to voicemail. fuck that. i just called again. i get a person. yay.

i ask if she’s running late or w/e and the office person says i didn’t confirm the appt by logging into the patient portal. are you fucking kidding me? i haven’t received an email about this july 26 appt at all, let alone one telling me i need to do XYZ to confirm an appt. the phone call i got confirming the appt didn’t say to call back or go online. i literally had to hunt through my browser history just to find her waiting room address. (after logging into the portal after all this shit, there isn’t even a fucking link to the waiting room anywhere so idk where i was supposed to find that without already just knowing it).

i explain all this, how the portal isn’t working on desktop anyway (i literally put a note in my phone about it) and i was IN the waiting room on time so what the fuck. and the office person very helpfully was like oh well she can call you if there are any cancellations. okay. whatever. but i’m out of meds today so…. office person very shittily says “i will let her know” with this fucking tone like i’m the one who dropped the ball here. jesus fucking christ.

look folks i barely want to be alive as it is but having to fucking fight tooth and nail just to talk to a person so i can get the meds that make me not die is like. A FUCKING joke. i am the least flakey person ever and i look like an insane person who can’t do basic tasks to this clinic because their shit is so fucked up.

all this on top of the fact that my therapist is just. idk. the vibes have been way off and i just miss my old therapist so goddamn much especially with life returning to normal w covid and hey my dog has cancer! i’m just ready to throw in the towel.

[hangrypa]

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical. 

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this. 

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients? 

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections. 

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability. 

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back. 

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week. 

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the  ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot.  On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency. 

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself. 

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room. 

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.) 

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc. 

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind. 

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending. 

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

The Canadian Healthcare System and Why It Sucks, but Is Still Better Than The US

So, this tis be my diagnosis story. 

When I first went to go see my family doctor about the feelings I was having, I was asked to sit down and fill out a survey of sorts. It was about how I was feeling. I didn’t talk to a doctor. I didn’t get to explain anything. They took those papers away and then my doctor came in and said “Aliesha, I think you may have mild to severe anxiety and depression.” She prescribed me medications and told me to make an appointment with their therapist. 

So, I tried the medication for a few months, while sitting on the wait list for a half hour appointment with a therapist who clearly didn’t want to listen to me and only wanted to tell me what to do. It took me 3 months to get into this therapist. Not once was I sent for any tests to see if it could have been a physical condition (such as a thyroid issue). 

The medication didn’t work. I tried a new one. I waited 3 months between my appointments with my therapist. This time, the medication made me dissociate, which the doctor had no clue what that was. I only found out after talking to my therapist in my clinic years later. I turned 18, and then I was told that I couldn’t see the therapist anymore because I wasn’t a minor. So I got scheduled to meet a new one. Again, it was the same thing. 

I was finally switched to my last anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. It didn’t work None of them worked. Not once was it suggested to me that I could have ADHD because I didn’t have typical symptoms. I had been asking to be referred to a psychiatrist, I even found a few that I thought would work. I was at the end of my rope and I just wanted to find help. My doctor never referred me, told me that there was no reason for me to be referred to one. 

Eventually, I switched family doctors. I met with their clinics behavioral consultant lady. She talked to my new doctor and they referred me to the Emerging Adult Treatment Clinic. There was going to be a wait but they had given me resources. This doctor sent me for blood tests and tried to see what could be causing it. I stopped taking the medication I was on because it just didn’t feel like it was doing anything (PSA: DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION COLD TURKEY. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR AND REDUCE IT GRADUALLY. THOSE FEW MONTHS WERE LITERAL HELL ON EARTH.) 

About 8 months later, I was contacted by this clinic and was told to come in for an assessment appointment. The clinic was calm. It was mean for children and youth up to 24 years old. As I was talking to the intake therapist, he turned to me and told me “Aliesha, I think you’re a great candidate for this clinic and I’m going to go ahead and book you for orientation.” 

I started crying. Bawling. I told him that it felt good to hear that I was finally going to get help. I told him that if they had denied me, I’m not sure what would have happened. 

Orientation was two group sessions of going through what was going to happen and what type of programs were available to us in the clinic. We were going to be doing individual therapy, where our assigned therapists had us for an hour, and would help us. They would also make suggestions for which program, if any, would be helpful. We were told we would also be meeting with a psychiatrist as soon as we could. 

I started my therapy with my psychologist Natalie. She was absolutely amazing and I wish I could thank her again. I told her what was going on and she asked me what i hoped to gain out of therapy. She asked me what I most wanted to work on. We started on basic necessities. Like eating and sleeping properly. She always encouraged me, she validated me. She made me feel valued again. 

I then got to meet with the psychiatrist. Natalie was also there for all my psychiatry appointments to make notes for our sessions, as well as add anything that she felt was important. My psychiatrist right away had said “Aliesha, I’ve noticed a few things while you’ve been sitting here, and do you think you could possibly have ADHD?” I had said, I never thought about it but you’re the doctor and I’m trusting you. He gave me an option for my treatment. He told me he wanted to start me on medication that day, see if it helped a little, and then we’d go from there. I had a choice. He asked me if I was willing to do that. I told him yes. 

I started Vyvanse 10mg the next morning. Holy shit, I felt like I could do my homework without dying. I was focused. I was happy. I felt like I could do things again. He also had me fill out some questionnaires, and asked if my mom would be willing to fill out one about my childhood. Yeah, looking back on it now, ADHD was definitely there when I was younger too. Things make sense. 

I registered to go back to a in-classroom setting to finish my diploma. Natalie was so proud of me, and wow it felt good to hear someone professional say that they were proud of me and that they could see how hard I was trying. 

I started DBT in this clinic too, and I felt it helped at least a little bit. I made amends with someone I used to go to school with that hated me; we had said some awful things to each other in school. 

I made a complete 180 with the help of this clinic. Even now, after this hell of a year, I am happier. I’m healthier. My thoughts are healthier (though, I still have to work on things). 

I walked with away from this clinic with a discharge paper stating my diagnoses, which are as followed: 

ADHD

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

and something that is almost PTSD but didn’t quite fit the mold from the DSM. My psychiatrist wrote it down as “Trauma and Stressor Related Disorder”. 

That’s the story of how I was diagnosed. Let me tell you why the healthcare system is flawed. 

I had to wait 4 years to get help. To get proper help. To be listened to. Unless I wanted to pay a ton of money that I didn’t have. I wasn’t listened to because I was a minor. I was told many times by doctors and “therapists” that if I lost weight, my problems would go away. I was told it was normal. 

IT SHOULD NOT TAKE THAT LONG FOR SOMEONE TO FIND HELP. 

I almost killed myself. If I had been denied from that clinic, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I was at the end of my rope and I was fighting to hold on. Not everyone gets to hang on so long. Not everyone is able to. 

SUICIDE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL WE ADDRESS THE FUNDAMENTAL CONCERNS. 

PROVIDE STUDENTS WITH BETTER ACCESS TO MENTAL HEALTH CARE. LISTEN TO THEM. PROVIDE TEACHERS AND ALL ADMIN STAFF WITH TRAINING TO UNDERSTAND AND IDENTIFY SOMEONE WHO COULD BE STRUGGLING. 

MAKE WAIT TIMES LESS. MAKE APPOINTMENTS LONGER. MAKE SURE THE DOCTORS AND ALL HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HELPING YOU. 

Yes, our Canadian Healthcare System is flawed. However, I didn’t have to pay to see my doctor. I didn’t have to outrageous bills after seeing my psychiatrist. The ONLY thing I paid for, was my prescriptions, which without insurance were $166 a month. 

PROVIDE FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL CITIZENS. 

[greenygreenland]

If I Were You Pt. 3: Fives x Reader

 ‘-Uhmmm yes and thank you for the request??? -Of kriffing COURSE I’ll do a pt 3! -I love asks, they make my day so thank you so much!! -the beginning is inspired by something that actually happened to me today (but it’s greatly exaggerated in this. promise.)

PREVIOUS PART

WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF DEATH, ABUSE, HOSPITALIZATION.

The first thing that hits your nose is a sharp scent, like toast that’s been overcooked. You frown to yourself, dropping your pencil on the dining table as Fives follows your gaze. “What’s that smell?” you inquire. He shoots up from the couch, darting into the kitchen with a low hiss. “Maker!” 

You frown. That can’t be good. “Fives, did you put something in the toaster?” You don’t get an answer straight away, and maybe it’s better that way. When it’s silent for too long, you get up from your seat, ignoring the screeching of your chair against the wooden floorboards. “Fives, don’t tell me you--”

Everything you assumed you’d see would have been so much better. Burnt toast. Water boiling over the sides of a pot. Overcooked ramen that’s too soggy to swallow. The bright flames licking at your stove and overflowing to the L-shaped counters is so much worse. How did this happen?, you wonder to yourself. Just what had Fives been up to while you were studying for an exam? 

He’s suddenly shouting at you to do something as he fans the fire. It grows in size and he’s screaming, but it’s hard to hear him over pounding in your head. That’s when you hear the smoke detector. That familiar beep beep beep beep sound that always went off unconventionally. You never guessed it could have been right, not until now. 

The words finally fall from your mouth: “Call 911!” 

“What’s the number?!” Fives cries. You speed past him, whipping out your phone and turning on the sink. The numbers displayed on the screen flash before your eyes, and as Fives dumps water over the hot flames, you calmly speak into your phone. It’s as if you’ve been trained for this, for a life-or-death situation that would most definitely break you in the long run. 

You were already broke as it was, paying for bills on your own and the college debt that left you waist-deep in nothing. After your mum had been hospitalised due to her condition, you’ve been on your own, with only Fives as that little bit of domestic support. He couldn’t work, not when he didn’t have a passport, proof of his citizenship, or really of his existence as a whole. 

After all, he was technically still a ‘fictional character’.

When the fire department arrive, you and Fives already have the fire out. It was a miracle that the fire hadn’t spread to the rest of your home, but still a complete loss for your poor stove and toaster. 

“I’m sorry...” 

You turn to Fives and cup his cheek. His eyes are downcast as you run your fingers against his smooth skin. He feels guilty, that much you can tell, but you can’t blame him. You simply don’t have the strength to when you are oh so tired. “I bet it was a malfunction in the machinery.” you quietly answer. “It’s not your fault, love.” 

He meets your gaze with doe-like eyes that remind you just how young he is on the inside. “But I--”

You shut him down with a peck on the lips and link your hands in his. When the firemen are done inspecting the house for any possible flames you might’ve missed, you walk back inside and give your mum a ring. She doesn’t care much about the house. It’s all you and Fives that matters, just as any parent should think. You’re grateful she isn’t angry, and more so that she tells you insurance will cover everything just fine. 

The next week go smoothly. You pass your test with flying colours, your mum’s health is as stable as ever, and the house recovers with the help of insurance. The only issue you have left is the aching pain in your chest. 

Whenever you pass that stupid TV, all broken with the cracks and dark memories, it hurts. You know it shouldn’t when your father is locked away in jail, but it does, for what could have been. If your father weren’t such a jerk, then maybe you could have what you see on TV. The family where the father comes home with the mother after work, and they greet their children with smiles and hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’s that you’ll never be able to hear. 

Fives isn’t blind to the pain you carry. He sees it as clear as day, yet it’s almost impossible for him to make it go away. The most he can ever do is ease it, no matter how hard he tries. 

Today you’re wrapped in his arms on the couch with a Spotify playlist in the background blaring through a small speaker. It’s quiet, save for the faint melody of a song you never cared to learn the name of. 

“I’m sorry,” you suddenly say. Fives perks up at the solemn tone in your voice and brings you closer to his chest. “What are you sorry for?” You glance at the broken TV, then the empty house with a long sigh. “This.” You say it as if ‘this’ explains everything. It doesn’t, and Fives knits his brows together. 

“If anyone should be sorry, it’s me.” he says. “I can’t work, I don’t have an education. It’s not like I can join the military either when I’m not even supposed to exist here.” He rests his head on top of yours and your shoulders slump. “I wish I could help you more.” By ‘more’ you know he means ‘soothe the pain in your heart’. You don’t say anything though, and that’s because you’re still tired. 

You lean against his chest and close your eyes. His heartbeat is your bacta today. It helps to ease your mind knowing that he’s here every step of the way. He won’t leave you. Never.

Beep! Beep!

Your eyes snap open and you sit up. Fives hands you your vibrating phone, his secure arm still around your shoulders. You tap on the screen and place the speaker to your ear. “Hello?”

“Is this (Y/f/n)?”

“Yes.”

“You were the only contact on the list, so I thought it would be fitting to call. I’m really sorry, but (M/f/n) has passed at eleven fifty-two P.M. I’m sorry for your--” 

The phone slips out of your hands. You can’t bear to hear the rest because it hurts too much. After being on your own with the bills, the money, college--everything, it’s like a smack to the face, the final breaking point that sends you over the edge. 

Fives doesn’t need to hear your voice to know what happened. He’s seen that face too many times to count that it’s ingrained in his mind like the very tattoo on his forehead. Your eyes well and you practically throw your arms around him. “Fives...Fives...” 

“It’s okay.” he gently says. “I’m still here.” He is all you have left with your parents gone. You’ve been thrown into this wayside world, where nothing is perfect and nothing goes right, but Fives is here. He’s still here. 

You don’t remember closing your eyes, or falling asleep against Fives’s chest, but when you open your eyes, all that sticks is fear. The staple screeches of blaster fire and charges blare in your ears as you rake yourself off the dark ground. You aren’t wearing your PJs, but a nice pair of Jedi robes you were sure you hadn’t ever seen in your life. 

The bodies at your feet make you feel sick, and not because the lifeless corpses aren’t moving, but because you can practically feel the absence of warmth they were supposed to exude. 

“GET DOWN!”

Arms are around you again, and as dirt and grass and branches of odd plants fly past by, you tumble to the ground in a heap. It’s hard to see through the dark haze the planet provided, but you know it's Fives who saved you. That much you can tell by the pressure of his grip and the shake of his breath. He hauls you somewhere off to the side, a little further away from the front lines as his brothers barrel past him. 

“(Y/n).” He grips your shoulders. Hard. You stare up at his frantic eyes, bewildered, and frankly, scared. You could have died, or worse, ended up a mangled mess as you died a slow, painful death. “Where--what--we were just--?”

“I don’t know.” he says. “But I guess you’re a Jedi.” His gaze falls on the lightsaber swinging from your belt. “Can you...?” You unclip the cool metal that feels so right in your hands. It’s not too light, and not too heavy, as if it were tailored for you and only you. 

The mesmerising (colour) light of your saber shines upon your face as you thumb it on. Fives sends you a reassuring nod as he throws on his bucket and whips out a blaster. “You’re a fast learner, you can do this Cyar’ika." You take one glance at the explosions to your left and nearly freeze. You’re a fast learner? You can do this cyar’ika? What kind of nonsense was Fives spewing? 

Learning how to cook was different from fighting for your kriffing life. 

Fives doesn’t give you much time to think as you swing around you lightsaber. You’re running on pure muscle memory now, from all the times you had to run in gym, all the times you played around with your plastic lightsaber. Who knew any of that would come in handy? 

It’s a miracle you’re even able to block the incoming blaster bolts, as if you had done this for years and not five seconds. 

“(Y/n)!” 

Your shoulders tense. That wasn’t Fives, it was Anakin Skywalker. He blocks a few blaster bolts and motions for you to come to him. You do, slicing a droid down its middle like it were warm butter. “(Y/n),” Anakin says again, “where were you? I’ve been looking for you for the past fifteen minutes!”

“Uh...I...”

Anakin glances at the confused look on your face and you feel like you’ve just disappointed him. A frown bursts onto his face like he’s just seen the galaxy’s worst disappointment: you. “What’s wrong? Did you hit your head?” He doesn’t give you time to answer. He already knows you have no idea what’s going on, as if an invisible tie connected your thoughts to his. 

But of course he knew, he was a Jedi. 

Suddenly, his eyes widen. He nearly drops his lightsaber as he tackles you to the ground, panting, silently begging for time to be on his side. At first, you can’t feel anything, but as soon as your arm twitches, it’s there: a burn and sharp pain like you’ve never felt before. Anakin’s lips move, but you can’t hear a word that comes out of his mouth. 

You want to cry, to gasp out in pain, but it’s too much, and you black out. 

Pain. That’s the first thing you feel as you sit up with a low hiss. “Glad you’re awake Commander.” Your eyes are wide as you meet Kix’s comforting smile. Although you sense a flicker of joy, there’s a heavy weight on his shoulders you understand. He’s stressed, but not just about your condition, but his brothers’ and everyone else his heart could reach. He was a healer, just as you were supposed to be. 

“You took a nasty hit there, but you’ll be good as new.” he said. “Give it a few weeks or so.” You ripped your gaze from his and took in the sights of the hazy planet. After being thrust into the mayhem, you finally realise just where in the galaxy you were. “Kix, this is Umbara, right?” you inquire. He knits his brows together and you just know he’s beyond concerned for your health. 

“Yeah,” he slowly replies, “why?” You shrug, but he clearly doesn’t want to let you off the hook. Not when you’re needed on the battlefield for a campaign you know will go south. “No reason.” 

“I swear if you have amnesia...” He trails off and meets your eyes, as if searching for a sign to reassure him that he wouldn’t have another thing thrown on his plate. “Commander, if I may ask, do you remember what our mission is?” 

“To...capture the Umbaran base not too far from here?” 

Kix frowns. He’s disturbed, as if you told a gory horror story. For a second, you wonder why, but then it hits you like a rock in the face. Anakin saved you, and the orders you relayed just now hadn’t been announced until after his departure, when Krell arrived right after. “Wait, no--I mean--Kix, I can explain. Fives and I, we’re--” You try to sit up, but he forces you to sit back against a tree trunk. 

“I think you should sit down for a little.” he said. “Just...give it a minute Commander. Maybe you’re in shock.” 

“If you don’t mind me asking, where’s Fives?” Your open-ness with Kix surprises you, but you blame it on how many times you’ve re-watched the Clone Wars on Disney Plus as a distraction from your piling college debt. He frowns again just like before. “Fives? I haven’t seen him since--”

“(Y/n)!” 

Oh that voice. You could spot that even among his own brothers. “Fives!” you exclaim. He’s already at your side, staring at the bandage covering the wound on your shoulder. “How is it?” he inquires. You shrug. “I thought it would be worse, but it’s okay.” You’re fighting hard to keep from wincing and Fives can see it. “Kix did an outstanding job.” You nod towards the medic, who remains in his spot wide-eyed. 

Kix knows something is wrong. Since when were you and Fives so close? Let alone so...touchy? 

“Cyar’ika, you’re really bad at hiding that you’re in pain. I can see it.”

Kix’s jaw goes slack. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. He doesn’t say anything as Fives grasps your hand in his because he’s still processing everything. When had you both been in a relationship? When had this even happened? What did he have for breakfast this morning? His memory is all hazy and he knows something isn’t right. 

“Fives,” he slowly begins, “when...” Kix can’t bear to finish the sentence. If anyone found out, he could be court-martialled or even wiped of his memory or executed. He couldn’t let that happen to his brother. Not after Echo. Not after all the suffering he endured. 

Fives suddenly releases your hand. His expression goes blank as he meets Kix’s gaze. “Please, you can’t tell anyone.” There’s a graveness in his voice that matches the solemn tone of the planet, as if he’s expecting a lurking enemy around the bend. Kix wants to say more. He wants to lecture Fives and his Commander about how dangerous this predicament was, but he can’t. 

Not when they were looking at him like that. Like their lives depended on it.

“Alright.” he finally says. “I promise.” 

When Kix gives the ‘okay’ sign for (Y/n) to get up, she follows Fives out from behind the cover of the trees. Kix eyes the closeness of their hands, the way their shoulders seem to brush every now and then, and the whispers lost to the wind. 

“I can’t believe this...” he mumbles to himself. He rips his gaze away from his friends and walks over to check on the wounded.

You aren’t sure what to do as you pass a few members of the 501st. Some salute you while others continue their tasks. Everything you thought you knew about this arc suddenly goes down the drain. What was going on? Did Anakin already leave? Who were you to these men? To this world? 

“(Y/n)!” 

Anakin jogs over to your side, placing a hand on your uninjured shoulder comfortingly. He furrows his brows as you knit your own as a subtle sign of confusion. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he says. “Kix told me you’d be fine. He said it was just a graze.” Anakin pauses for a moment and frowns. “What’s wrong? I sense your confusion.” 

Wonderful. He senses your confusion. 

“I...” You glance at Fives, but he’s just as clueless as you. Anakin’s hand leaves your shoulder and wraps around a lightsaber on his belt. He hands the beautiful hilt to you, that frown still plastered on his lips. “You know, if anything is wrong, you can always tell me. I’m your master, I’m supposed to help you.”

Wait, what? 

“It’s kind of my job.” 

You almost have the urge to smile, but that last bit about him being your master just hits you in the wrong way. Did that mean you stole Ahsoka’s role? It’s suddenly hard to look Anakin in the eye. Even though he was trying to make you feel better, it only made you feel worse. 

Anakin’s lips twitch upward into a reassuring smile and he breaks from your side. “By the way, we move out in the next fifteen minutes.” 

The next hour is a complete hell of blaster fire, grenades, and death. You’ve never fought one day in your life, and a part of you wishes you hadn’t. What you know will haunt you forever are the screams of those who fight a war they never had a say in. 

After a group of Y-wing bombers swoop in as assistance, Krell comes planetside. He’s taller in real life and much more intimidating than the screen could ever capture. A lingering coldness seems to sink in your bones as he waltzes out of the gunship. You glance at Anakin, but he’s already greeting Krell with a grateful look on his face you just want to slap away. 

“Master Krell,” he says. “Thanks for the air support.” Krell inclines his head respectfully. “Indeed General. The locals have proven to be more resourceful than we anticipated.” Something inside you tells you to stay alert. It might have been the Force, but you can’t tell. Krell’s very presence seemed to cloud your mind and you could only assume this was the power of the Dark Side. 

It was so much worse than described in the books or movies and shows. The sensation left you feeling cold and overwhelmed with fear you’ve never felt before. It seemed today, you were learning more than your puny brain could handle.

Anakin raises a brow at Krell. “But that’s not the reason for your visit.” Krell shakes his head. “No. The Council has ordered you back to Coruscant, effective immediately.” Anakin’s brows shoot upward. You can feel the surprise and blatant worry without having to see his face. “What?” he exclaims. “Wh-why?”

Krell crosses his arms across his chest. “I’m afraid a request has been made by the Supreme Chancellor and the council obliged. That is all they would tell me.” You purse your lips together and glance at Anakin, who in turn glances at you. “Well I can’t just leave my men and my padawan.”

“I’ll be taking over in the interim.” answers Krell. His tone comes out rather pushy, like he’s practically itching to take charge and put the 501st to death. The mere thought of what would happen after Anakin’s leave makes you shrink back. It’s a silent plea to your master not to go, but as everyone around here knows, orders are orders, even if they’re questionable. 

Rex glances at you and then Anakin’s troubled expression. “Don’t worry about a thing, Sir.” he dutifully says. “We’ll have the city under Republic control by the time you’re back.” Anakin takes it upon himself to introduce the Captain to Krell, who in turn gives a simple ‘good to hear that’ and wishes Skywalker well. 

Anakin turns to you and offers a comforting smile. For a moment, it makes the cold recede into warmth and love and light. “I know you’ll do fine.” He pats your shoulder in a silent telling to relax. “Master Krell, know that my padawan is more than capable both on and off the battlefield.”

“Of course.” You can’t tell if he’s sneering or not. His face is practically glued in a never ending scowl. “I will keep that in mind.” Anakin gives you one last nod and marches off to the gunship. You watch as it soars away, further and further until it’s hidden beneath the thick fog of the planet. 

Rex makes his way over to Krell’s side. He says something, but you aren’t paying attention--well, until Krell speaks. 

“I find it very interesting, Captain,” he begins, “that you are able to recognise the value of honour for a clone.” Your eyes widen. Oh the nerve. 

“Stand at attention when I address you.” Krell adds. Rex’s shoulders stiffen and it takes all your willpower not to scream. You glance at the other boys silently watching the exchange with bated breath. They followed Rex’s display, keeping their shoulders back and heads tilted at a perfect ninety-degree angle. You frown to yourself as Krell looks down upon your men. “With all due respect Master Krell--” 

He glances at you like you’re nothing more than the dirt beneath his feet. “No respect is due when you are interrupting me, Padawan (L/n). It would do you well to know where your place stands.” You open your mouth to say something, but Krell is already talking again. “Have all platoons ready to move out immediately.” He marches somewhere far from your sights and you really don’t care where in the galaxy he’s going as long as it’s away from you. “That is all.”

Fives sends you a look that you can’t even begin to explain. You sigh and it takes all your willpower not to say something snarky. Krell’s appearance was expected along with his terrible display of violence, but it wouldn’t have ever occurred to either of you that you’d be here to see it.

“He’s more of a jerk than I thought...” you whisper to yourself. Rex knits how brows together. He looks like he wants to chime in, but the swift flash of conflict in his heart tells him otherwise. It just wasn’t what a soldier was supposed to do. You were no soldier though, much less a Jedi Padawan at that. 

Why should that matter? If you were here, on Umbara where all the wrongs could never be fixed by the rights, then you couldn’t think about not knowing what to do. Here, you were someone, not a nobody struggling through college or scraping by with whatever dollars you could spare. Here, you had people who relied on you to lead them to victory. To another day. 

These men, these boys--they were bound to suffer a fate they had no say in because of the chips, because of Palpatine, because of all the corruption you saw on screen. Now, all this was more than a show. You were in it with living, breathing people. You wouldn’t let them down. 

“Rex.” You turn to face him and lower your voice. Even if you’ve never spoke to him, interacted with him, or even looked him in the eyes like you do now, you speak to him like a friend, as if you’ve known him for all the years the war raged on. 

“I don’t trust Master Krell.” you quietly begin. “I know you’ve heard good things about his...accomplishments, but that doesn’t mean we can follow him blindly into battle. If something’s up with his tactics, I won’t hesitate to change them. I’m not very good at that though, so I’m relying on you to help me.” 

He doesn’t even hesitate to nod. “Yes, Sir. You have my word.” His trust and loyalty to you outranks the amount he’d give to Krell on every single level possible. It’s something you thought you’d never see--devotion to a single cause, a single person, in the face of battle. The only other person you had seen such loyalty in is Fives, but now, you’re beginning to understand the pattern, or rather, culture. 

You heave in a deep breath and break from his intense gaze. “Thank you Rex, I really...I really appreciate it.” He seems to understand your unease and puts it upon himself to round up the platoons. “Alright boys!” he shouts. “You heard the Commander! Come on, let’s get a move on!”

Good man, that Rex.

--- 

Marching. That is what you’ve been doing for the past five hours, and if you remember correctly, you’ll be at it for another ten. It was a miracle you weren’t as worn as you could have been, but you guessed it was because of Fives’s energy. It kept you in step, in line with the rest of your men.

“So I say to her, baby you--”

Cue a long line of sighs and groans. “What is with you vod?” inquires Jesse. “You’re not charming Hardcase.” Kix bumps shoulders with Jesse. “Neither are you. Your cheesy jokes scare people away.” Hardcase sends Kix a funny look. “Not like you’re any better Mr. Pretty Boy, you don’t even carry lotion on you.” 

Hardcase, Jesse and Fives burst into a tough fit of giggles. Kix goes silent for a moment, heaving in a sharp breath before actually laughing. You gape at him. It’s impossible to even begin imagining the stress he’s under after seeing so many of his brothers die in his arms. He’s a medic, but with that comes a responsibility greater than holding up the sky. 

“You’re right about that.” Kix admits with another chuckle. “But at least I can read five textbooks in my spare time without getting bored.” Fives rolls his eyes and you almost smile. “Like that’s anything to brag about. Our Commander here can probably read ten.” You glance at Fives, who you can just tell is grinning madly under that bucket. “No I can’t.”

“Uh, yeah you can.” he sassily replies. “Throw a few reports on top of it and a due date, too. She’s amazing.” You glance at Kix, sensing his curiosity that seems to bloom as soon as your eyes meet his. Hardcase and Jesse are quick to catch on, glancing between you and Fives like it were a tennis match. 

“Hmm... Something’s not right here.” Jesse comments, peering at Fives. You want to glare at your boyfriend, but how can you stay mad at him? He’s absolutely right about you and you know it. 

Kix sends you both a look that clearly says, ‘are you gonna tell them?’. Now you glance at Fives, who then glances at you, which finally makes you turn to Kix and then the two curious boys. Jesse suddenly stumbles over a rock, not because he’s clumsy, but because he’s shocked. 

Oh no.

“Not to be intrusive, but are you...?” Jesse tapped the air, as if connecting the dots. “No way. No way. Does anyone, you know, know?” Everyone eyes Rex, who’s only a couple meters up front. As if written in a book, Rex turns to look over his shoulder, his gaze so happening to zero on you and Fives. 

“Why are you such a loud mouth Jesse?!” Fives whisper-screamed. You face-palm. “That wouldn’t have happened in the first place if we had, I don’t know, whispered?”

“How was I supposed to know? I didn’t think I was actually--”

“Quiet back there.” Rex’s steady voice orders. He slows his pace to match your own, tilting his line of view towards the group of rigid boys. “If you keep that up, you’ll find out a lot faster that not everyone is good at keeping secrets.” And with that, he nods your way, picking up the pace to settle back in his old spot.

Hardcase looks between his brothers and you. “I still don’t get it.” 

You smile at him weakly. It’s all you can muster. Fives’s hand brushes yours; a silent sign of comfort. You look up at him, and even with that bucket, you know he’s smiling like you put all the stars up in the sky. All you know in that moment is if you were him, and he were you, neither of you would survive. 

The galaxy is big, but the universe is wide.

DON’T FORGET TO REBLOG (so this can reach more people!) TIP JAR

[warrocketpodcast]

Is the "professor x just made a bunch of child soldiers" argument as tired as the "If Batman donated all the money it took to become Batman he'd do more good" line?

.No, but I think there’s an interesting reason why it’s not, and it has a lot to do with textual intent. 

In Batman comics, Batman IS the solution to the problems with Gotham City, which we know because WE ARE READING BATMAN COMICS AND THAT IS THE PREMISE, AND IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND FICTION. Billionaires in the real world? Terrible, inherently immoral. Billionaires in the fictional universe that has shit like Green Lantern rings and x-ray eyes? Literally the only thing keeping a crocodile man from eating your face. Bruce Wayne is a philanthropist on the side, but, as I’ve written before, writing a check to the local school district or offering comprehensive health insurance to employees of Wayne Industries does not solve the problem of A Murder Clown Is Poisoning The Water Supply Right Now. I do not understand why people claim they want to see fucking Batman meet with his accountant and figure out if construction of the Thomas and Martha Wayne Memorial Humanities Building at Hudson University is a good tax write-off for 20 God damned pages every week, which I assure you they do not actually want, but that’s not the point, really. The point is disingenuous refusal to engage with the text. The actual text of Batman comics is that Batman is a good idea.

The actual text of X-Men comics is that Professor X gathered teenagers and, in the guise of a school, turned them into a secretive paramilitary strike force that went on missions where they were sometimes killed. The argument is whether that’s the best way to go about things, which is an argument that people have within those comics. The text tends to come down on the side that he was right to do so because the alternative is getting murdered by giant purple robots made of racism, but there’s still an exploration. It’s why Cyclops is an interesting character, because he’s The Most X-Man — the guy who found out at 15 that he had to learn how to be really good at aiming the uncontrollable laser beams concussive force blasts that shoot out of his eyes because the alternative was that he and everyone he cared about was going to die. Like, that’s something that’s gonna fuck you up pretty bad, but according to the past 50 years of X-Men comics, it’s also 100% true. 

With Batman, the question is not “why doesn’t Batman provide real solutions to to the real-world root causes of crime” — because that’s an astoundingly stupid question to ask — it’s “how is Batman going to solve the problems that are presented to him in this fictional universe that is uniquely built around him?” 

With the X-Men, the question is usually “how are the X-Men going to survive this experience?” The idea of questioning whether Professor X was wrong all this time is a core component of that. 

The former is refusing to engage with the premise. The latter is asking the questions the premise invites. If you don’t like the premise, you don’t have to engage with the media. There’s a lot of stuff out there and if you don’t like Batman because that idea doesn’t make sense to you, I’m not going to hold it against you. I will, however, hold it against you if you try to break the premise to make it worse. 

Here’s a huge tangent where I just know I’m gonna get lost in the woods: 

I actually feel a similar way to opinions I’ve seen about the MCU, and how it’s built around a very militaristic idea of superheroes, which makes some people uncomfortable. And, you know, that’s fair! Those movies are built around that idea, because they were built on the foundation of a movie that was the absolute embodiment of transitioning from traditional action movies (ie, stories about loose cannon cops, spies, space marines, Kurt Thomas, and other heroes who usually have the backing of a larger organization) and superhero stories (which are almost always about heroes acting independently of, and occasionally in opposition to, those same larger forces). Those movies never really get away from the idea that Tony Stark, the guy who sets the tone for the entire roster of films to follow, is fundamentally a dude whose primary character trait and fatal flaw are that he always believes he can solve his problems by building a bigger gun. The militarized aspect of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers spins out of this as both a structural result of the action to superhero genre transition, and as a convenience to get Iron Man (former defense contractor), Captain America (literal soldier), Black Widow (spy), the Hulk (military scientist) and Hawkeye (for some reason a spy like in The Ultimates and not a redneck carny like he should’ve been). The odd man out is Thor, which, for all the problems with those first two Avengers movies, is why he first shows up as an antagonist in the first one and then completely bails on the whole thing to go deal with his own stuff on the second one. The military structure is literal plot structure.

So yeah, that gets kind of weird when it filters down to Spider-Man. A lot of that weirdness has to do with things that are beyond the control of the universe, in that Marvel’s most beloved character, the second big success the company ever had whose popularity has endured much stronger than the first one, the flagship superhero who was literally on their paychecks and has never not been popular, had to be a late addition to a universe that already had, like, the Vision in it. 

But because they had to work within those constraints, they had to work within the premise they were already given. It makes perfect sense that in that universe, Peter Parker would look up to the world’s most famous superhero nerd, and it makes sense that Iron Man would see Peter as this blank slate that he could stop from making the mistakes that had defined his life. That, to me, is a really interesting dynamic, but it’s also one that requires Spider-Man to take a lot of cues from Iron Man, which is not a dynamic that those two characters ever had in the source material. It winds up giving them different consequences.

And like, if that’s not your thing, I get it. Spider-Man being recruited by the superhero military and having a high-tech suit that talks to him is a jarring shift, even if they do a good job of bringing in most of the core tenets of the character — something about responsibility and... I wanna say... muscles? Is it muscles? — which I think they did. But, if you don’t like that setup, which is a product of the larger universe, then you don’t have to buy into the premise. Like, yeah, it sucks that you’re fundamentally not going to dig this Spider-Man movie, but how do you think I feel? I’m a Batman guy and I literally have to see these movies with their endless terrible premises for my job.

Back when Far From Home came out, I remember seeing someone talk about how the MCU Peter Parker was fundamentally flawed because he didn’t have Uncle Ben, and I don’t think that’s correct. For one thing, Spidey pretty clearly has an Uncle Ben in that movie, it’s just that the reference to him in Civil War is a little less explicit than it usually is, presumably because we’ve seen Uncle Ben die on screen like five times since 2002. Second, it actually makes it make more sense that he’d latch onto the next influential father figure who walked through his front door. Third, even if we got way more Uncle Ben in those movies, it wouldn’t change the fact that the Peter/Tony Stark relationship and the way it played out was a function of the larger universe and the way those two characters had to interact within it. I don’t want to generalize too much or claim to know what people are thinking better than they do, but I’d suspect that if you don’t like that stuff in Spider-Man, the thing you really don’t like is the larger structure of this take on the characters. And that’s fair! 

That’s not to say that a premise can’t be bad, or that a twist on a character that posits a new premise is always good by nature of including some of the stuff that works. Again, I’m a Batman guy, and the last three movies to feature Batman are bad partly because the premise is fundamentally broken (the other parts are literally everything else about those movies because they are irredeemably terrible on virtually every level). But, you know, none of them have Batman writing a check instead of fighting crime, so that’s something.

--Chris

[succygirl]

Hi! Could you share a little about your studies/what you plan to do when your done? Or if you aren’t sure (which is totally valid!) maybe just a little about your classmates future career paths?

I’m trying to figure out what I want to do career-wise so any thoughts you have would be amazing!

Yeaah, I’m totally not sure honestly! I’d love to actually work in a nursery (but honestly that requires no Hort knowledge at all to start, you can pick it up as you go) but with how my physical health is going I’d be better off staying on a computer or at least not having a 9-to-5 kind of job (I’m literally unable to make it through the day without needing to rest for several hours). I also can’t do any work that requires looking down at all, my neck is in enough pain just from day-to-day ‘I have to look down at papers/eating/writing’ that I can’t do it.

And unfortunately I’m not too close with any of my classmates now. A lot of them are older folks who already had careers and are getting into gardening and such either to take better care of their own yards, or just to have something fun to do on the side. Some have made their own business of fine gardening/maintenance on people’s yards of course, but they’re working for themselves and it’s a very small operation of just them or maybe a friend from class if they need help with something. One of my teachers was also a student in my program herself and was hired by one of the other teacher’s after she graduated and became head of his company’s maintenance department eventually. Of course she then started teaching when she got older. There’s a fair number of guys who were/are in the program specifically for landscape construction but wanted to learn about other things surrounding Hort. We also had people who were there as part of their job, to learn a few more things on company/city time, as they worked for the city’s parks or landscape departments (I don’t remember what specifically they were part of but they were in several construction and irrigation classes all in their work uniforms).

Irrigation was actually very interesting to me, the troubleshooting of systems more than the creating/planning and building of those systems. As long as you’re willing to work odd hours and be ready whenever time someone has an emergency (the pipes/something always goes wrong at like 3 in the morning for irrigation of course) you can make some fair money diagnosing and fixing irrigation problems. My teachers for the irrigation classes were always saying how they didn’t have enough people who could figure out and fix problems on irrigation systems, the figuring out part being the most needed). You do have to go through some troubleshooting steps logically so if you’re not the type that can deduce problems based on data/information then it might not be the best thing for you (Clue is like my favorite fucking board game even though there are definitely people better at it than i am, i still enjoy trying to solve a mystery like that. Same with figuring out IT problems). There’s some very light electrical knowledge needed when irrigation control boxes are involved, and lots of problems happen at a valve box or a control box, but again, as long as you’ve got a logical/mechanical mind it’s pretty easy.

I also very much enjoyed pruning, it can be rather meditative while you’re looking at a tree and thinking about how it will grow depending on where you cut it and how best to cut it to look and grow it’s best. Just have to be careful with going too far and knowing when to stop cutting! Taking just a class or two in pruning can really propel your knowledge very quickly and from there it’s just getting more experience actually cutting trees and learning how they respond to what you’re doing to them. You’d also want to take a few plant ID classes so you’re familiar with what you’re pruning as different plants need to be pruned in different seasons and will respond differently. Or at the very least know how to ID a plant you’re unfamiliar with so you can pull out a plant ID key and figure it out, this would require knowing a bit of plant lingo/anatomy. SO many people need things pruned and lots of people don’t know that certain trees look better when pruned certain ways. Around my area we have lots of Japanese maples which require a different technique to make them look GOOD/architectural/a show piece rather then just a tree. People also have a lot of unskilled gardeners that only know how to “prune” trees into a lollypop shape, these are usually known as “mow and blow” gardeners (at least in my area?). So having a gardener that knows how to prune a tree? That’s some value (tho those clients who are used to mow and blow prices will probably fight you if you have a higher price but just.... don’t work for those kinds of people honestly. Quality work means it’s more expensive and that’s just how it is).

I’ve also taken pruning classes for roses specifically as there was a rose garden in the park closest to me (before i moved) that needed volunteers for pruning and maintaining it so the park gave free classes for pruning on the assumption you’d be coming in to prune their roses, you got a nifty apron you had to wear so they knew you weren’t just some rando cutting their roses.

Something I can’t do any longer but I also liked doing was drawing landscape plans. I didn’t care so much for designing them but the drawing of them was very meditative for me, focusing on what I’m drawing and how to get the shapes and lines i wanted. But it also involved a bit of math to scale things down to make them fit on the paper size you’re working with. It’s not necessary to know how to draw well but it certainly helps. There are also programs for producing those same landscape drawings on the computer and/or in 3D even. Which is becoming more and more mainstream though there are lots of landscape designers/architects who like drawing it out by hand and will probably pass it off to someone else to get it all into a computer for other people to work with. Many of my classmates were also working on becoming landscape designers or where already providing clients with designs but they didn’t do any of the actually installing themselves. But there were some who were doing small designs and installing them for people (like just doing one flower bed so it wasn’t a huge job but they still had to pick plants and design with colors and water needs in mind).

Almost had a job at a small company that did plant arrangements in pots and such at homes where they’d refresh and maintain those arrangements or change them depending on what the client wanted (ones that lived outside mainly and it was larger estates with multiple potted arrangements decorating their spaces/entryways). Like if they wanted a Christmas themed one for a party or certain colors we’d go out and change them a number of times a year, maintain them, and hook up a drip irrigation system just for those pots. But that fell through when the law around independent contractors changed here in California and would have forced me to be an Employee that needed to have insurance and such payed by the company instead; with the company being so small the owner couldn’t afford that (it was like the owner and her husband and they kept plants and materials at their house in their garage/driveway. They used independent contractors only when they needed to go to the houses to change arrangements on a quarterly schedule).

Hopefully that gave you some things to think about!! If you have any more specific questions fell free to ask them :)