#NO IT /DOESN'T/ DETRACT FROM THE EXPERIENCE OF WATCHING SOMETHING IF THE PEOPLE DON'T LOOK OVERLY **SEXY** AT ALL TIMES

[musical-chick-13]

Was going back through the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend music videos to revisit Rebecca’s songs, and it genuinely blows me away how much they just...let her look like a regular person.

[ot3]

I mean this in entirely good faith, I promise, but I'd love to hear the "shortcomings" you think those shows have

she ra i mostly just found boring i don't think i could point to a single thing it did (out of what i watched, that is. i didn't finish the show) that i found to be an objectionable writing choice, but it just didn't do anything to keep my interest. which is a shame because i went into it REALLY excited!!! i had long been a fan of nimona so hearing that ND stevenson was getting the chance to make a cartoon i was SO prepared to be all over it. and i watched it and it all just fell pretty flat for me

steven universe and the owl house i feel like are shows with some pretty major structural issues. i really think they try to have their cake and eat it in terms of episodic moments vs overarching series narratives that are kind of at odds with each other.

with steven universe i feel like this manifested in some pretty bizarre tonal whiplash that prevented either of the shows angles from sticking its landing. i think if steven universe had either been an epic space opera about a kid inheriting his mother's war, it would have fucking banged. i think if steven universe had been a more slice-of-life oriented show about a boy coming of age by realizing he's sort of the living manifestation of the war trauma of the people around him and learning to navigate and help people heal from that through fantastical, alien super-powered twists on mundane life that would have banged in a completely different way. but as it stands i think trying to do both at the same time detracted from the overall experience.

it feels weird to have them fucking around at the barn when there is something that is going to literally hatch from the earth's crust like an egg and destroy the entire planet and theyre just ignoring it. it feels weird in a different way to have them visit an alien zoo full of human beings and know that the structure of the show means we will absolutely not be taking the time to fully unpack that one. for me this cognitive dissonance really reached its peak an episode where steven explicitly calls his mother a war criminal, but that was a throwaway line because the A plot was that lars, the guy who works at the donut shop, bakes as a hobby and is embarrassed by that. to be perfectly clear i don't think it's impossible to balance more mundane slice of life moments with big adventures to combat existential threats. but whatever that balance looks like is not what steven universe was doing

the owl house on the other hand i don't feel like was ever really willing to commit to a particular vibe long enough to get invested in it. it's trying to be a show about a girl who is a witch's apprentice, but that doesn't really feel quite fully realized because it's also trying to be a show about a Magic School, but we don't spend enough time at the Magic School to get invested in that setting as a framework for the character interactions and narrative events, but then it also starts trying to be this big adventure/questing show. and then before too long luz is the one teaching magic to everyone else? it refuses to really commit to any one thing it's trying and just kind of throws everything at you with out actually getting to spend time with its concepts

in general i also think luz was a weak protagonist. in terms of writing. i think she wasnt given enough meaningful flaws, didn't make enough mistakes, and didn't really have to learn any hard lessons or make decisions that fundamentally went against who she thought she was. her whole thing is basically being Nerdy and Kinda Weird which i think is kind of an outdated substitute for meaningful character writing in the current zeitgeist. im sure she is an absolutely fantastic power fantasy for a lot of 12 year old girls who consider reading books to be their main personality trait and i absolutely do not fault that for existing. i think that's a critical thing to exist and all those 12 year olds really deserve it. but it has no appeal to me as an adult woman who has grown out of that phase, yknow?

i feel like once again the comparison to akko from little witch academia invites itself very easily, and anne from amphibia too, which was also a disney teen girl isekai airing at the same time. i loved both of those two as protags a ton and i think its because they really fumbled repeatedly and went through the wringer in a way luz didn't

[maledistributionsystem]

Heyy i have a question for you bro. First of all i love your posts, it's so encouraging and makes me feel genuely better abt myself. My question is how do i make up for a boyhood i never had? I'm 18 and transitioning isn't available to me, my country is extremely homophobic and id simply need someone to tell me my chest doesn't make me a girl etc but i don't know any queer folks irl and it feels like im missing out

Thank you for contacting the Male Distribution System Bark Line. Remember: Mens bodies come in many shapes, sizes, colors, and heights. Being unconventional does not detract from your validity. Your message is in the queue...

hey man whats good!

This is something I've been doing/thinking about for years, and honestly I'm not sure how applicable my advice is, but i'll still try :^)

I grew up real sheltered and closed away from the world, there's a lot that I never got the chance to experience or be taught that I've had to make up for. I'll ask ya, What weren't you allowed to do due to your socialization/upbringing? for me the answers are: Tackle football, watching star wars, playing with "boy toys" from fast food meals, walking around shirtless, wearing "simple" clothes, stuff like that.

Dont be afraid to derive gender euphoria from shit thats uselessly gendered. I still use Old Spice deoderant because it was Boy Deoderant and i really liked the way it smelled when i was 17 lol. Buy "mens" body wash, use "mens" razors, stuff like that! (In america all these things are less than 10$ so im very sorry if thats bad advice for you)

My answer for experiencing boyhood is: Let yourself be free in all the ways you wish you could have at that age. Collect monster trucks, build lego sets, watch wrestling or mma or boxing or [insert overwhelmingly male-dominated physical sport here], engage with hobbies that are male-dominated and feel good about talking to other men online who participate too.

honestly on that note, make a social media account divorced from any of your other ones with no indicators whatsoever that you're trans, just say you're a man (if you specify at all) and interact with dudes anonymously, kinda like you did me here. It's such a quiet and hidden thing to do, but when i was in highschool (14-17 years old for me) it was one of the most validating things i did for myself. I was just one of the guys, because i literally am.

But also, that boy needs to cry. I'm serious, let him scream and be angry and punch things, let him be sad and ask "why couldnt i have this before?". That little boy inside you could use the aknowledgement.

Also hey, i know you dont got no IRL queer folks to say it to you, so i will: having a chest dont make you any less of a man. Wearing a binder hurts my back, badly. So i stopped wearing them and havent worn a binder in a few years now. I still correct people to tell them im a dude. I just let them hang about freely. I'm just a dude with a chest, and i make people deal with seeing that. Even if you can't go around correcting people and shit, i want you to know it in your heart. Dudes have chests sometimes. Not even just trans dudes! Cis dudes get gynecomastia at varying (but usually a bit older) ages and have to get surgery too. Hell, even those gymrats addicted to roids get tit fat that need to be removed. They're all still men, and so are you. I dont care what it looks like, you're still a man.

I'm sorry if this wasn't quite what you was looking for, but i hope you know you're a brother to us all, and like any brother would, i hope you get what you're looking for out of your life. You deserve it.

Be easy, now ☆

[tathrin]

🎲+🐚

Writer Truth Or Dare asks.

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time? 

tumblr XD

That's a joke, but also not. Distractions is the biggest issue, for me. Which includes tumblr, video games, discord, chores, etc. Everything that can involve sitting down to write, and then not doing that. (Including re-reading fic, both other people's and my own shit.)

Also, tiredness. Fuck capitalism, and fuck this trashfire of a country. We should all have more free time, and thus more energy both physical and mental. But everything is so exhausting sometimes, that it's easier to just start scrolling through tumblr or meandering through Tamriel or Taris or Henford-on-Bagley than it is to do anything, even the things you really want to do.

Blah.

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

I like them, in the sense of I'm someone who prefers not to be "spoiled" on a story ahead of time, so that I can have the experience of discovering its contents and emotions for myself; and I like them, in the sense of I don't tend to scour around for clues and hints, because I enjoy discovering the story as it happens to me more than I do the potential "smugness" of knowing it all ahead of time, and so I deliberately don't look for stuff that might give-away things ahead of time. I'd rather be surprised...but on the other hand:

I loathe them, in the sense of the "hide all spoilers at all costs! shock value, shock value! never let the audience guess what's coming! if the audience can guess something ahead of time, the story is ruined! if the audience guesses something ahead of time, you change it!" nonsense that has pervaded so much of the media landscape of late.

I'm pretty good at picking-up on little clues and I'm familiar enough with stories as a "thing" that I tend to be able to tell where a story is going faster than most people I know (especially movies, which are by nature more limited in scope than a novel) due to both experience with narrative as a concept and a good memory for details, so I'm quite used to not being shocked by the bulk of the things I read/watch; but I've never found this a bad thing, like so many of the big corporate media entities these days seem to have made it into.

That's just called noticing what's happening, and extrapolating. I mostly tend to figure out something shortly before it happens, which adds a delightful flavor of "omg will it...?" anticipation to the story, without detracting from the experience of having the story unfold, even when it unfolds as I thus expect it to. That doesn't mean the story is bad; it means that narrative often follows a cause-effect format, and stories echo, and foreshadowing is a thing, and you should have a plot that makes fucking sense, etc etc. And because a good story should be entertaining even after you know the twist, it's not a big deal either way!

How many times have I watched The Empire Strikes Back? Far more than I can keep count of! And it remains my favorite Star Wars movie to this day...even though I've known the "twist reveal" since I was six. (I do wish I could remember my reaction from the first time I watched it, though! Just for fun!) But the emotional weight of the reveal to Luke remains just as potent now, even when the audience's shock is gone. Because the story doesn't hinge upon the twist.

I think everybody should have the opportunity to experience things like that for themselves unspoiled, so they can have the emotional impact hit the to its full extent (hence I will never ever tell anyone what The Thing in Mastiff is ahead of time, no matter how many times my roommate begs me to; because as we suffered, so shall ye!) but I don't think that knowing those things ahead of time ruins a story, either.

If a "spoiler" can ruin your story, your story isn't actually much of a story; it's just a gimmick. And I'm interested above all in stories. Whether they surprise me or not.

(Sorry, that one turned into more of a Rant About Modern Media than an actual answer, whoops!)

But to try and get a little more back on track for a summarizing conclusion here: I like being able to shock my audience, but I like even more than that having them catch-on to what's probably going to happen beforehand so that they can start to go oh no oh fuck is it...? before it does. That's my favorite kind of surprise to experience in fiction, and my favorite kind of one to write too: the anticipated one. Not known; but guessed.

And that works for both excited anticipation, and dreaded!

[cloysauce]

i'm a bit riled up after watching the first episode of Queen of Tears particularly

heavily copying Hyun Bin and Son Ye-jin's wedding for the drama leads Hong Hae-in and Baek Hyun-woo

please permit me this take

in the drama, the wedding was cut into two scenes and it is not merely alluding to the wedding, they used the same venue, floral arranger, style of outfits (both bride and groom), photo angles, invitation wordings, earrings you get it. it's not just "binjin coded," it's poaching.

this is what bothers me: it's a private closed-door wedding that the writer (crash landing on you screenwriter park ji eun) attended. everything is meant to be for the guest's eyes only but ofc leaks came out. does it make it fair game to replicate them to a tee? hardly.

i get trying to copy like...one of the royal weddings in london or the one with grace kelly of monaco, but those weddings were public events of public (as in govt-instated not celebrities) figures televised worldwide. im confused why they need to do this, and it's not over in just a few seconds too. it's milking off the actual material. why not try to be original? why not make one the drama can call its own? don't they deserve as much?

people argue it's a cute homage and it's for marketing. so you mean it's okay to exploit an actual couple's intimate wedding that spent 10M won for security detail alone? if anything it took away from the harmony of what should be a solid first episode for the drama.

also fine let's define a homage (or tribute what have you)

from msstate.edu

if say the writer decided to pick out a couple of elements such as a flower arch or a rooftop wedding similar to the binjin wedding that evokes the original material, the bride's cut of dress, sure that could be a nod. but certain creative licenses must be taken (and must be the focus) for the "imitation." it should be a subtle reference, not an outright copy paste.

when it's not used as a transformative device that will elevate the material, it's a copy. it signals a lack of originality and effort, which undermines a creator’s authenticity. it disrupts the original work’s integrity and tone, giving audiences a disjointed experience that detracts from true creative expression AND immersion. In turn, imitation is less a homage and more of a disservice to both the creator and the audience.

that drama would have benefited with a creative take of the ml/fl wedding. instead they are impostors copied and pasted in binjin shoes, it took me off the flow and story.

they already set the scene, why not do something dissociated with something so famous? something that's their own. something that wont look sloppy and feel like grabbing the rights to the actual wedding material.

edit: lol reading this rant a few days later and i really got worked up

it's just that, this couple made painstaking efforts to keep everything private and what little came out of it have become like idk rain in a chilean desert to fans like me. it feels sacred, like this is their personal thing, and to see people calling it as 'Hae-in and Hyun-woo's wedding' is a slap to their faces. even if permission was granted, it just doesn't sit well that they went to great lengths to make sure it's faithful unless this was like a korean version of the crown.

and if i'm protective of my favorite people (who are known to be extremely private) what of ittttt.

[scorndotexe]

☕: Scorn?

oh you wanna hear me talk about scorn? i'll talk about scorn (mild spoiler warning)

scorn is a fucking incredible game. the visuals and art design are gorgeous and exactly my level of fucked up. absolutely astounding visuals. while i love indie games and don't think games need to have good graphics to be good games, it's certainly something to see such a disgusting (complimentary) world in such high quality. nearly everyone agrees on this and the ones who don't just call people freaks for liking it.

everyone blows the "combat issues" out of proportion. sure, i can see how it would be bad if you had to fight all the time, but the thing is you don't have to. it's discouraged. in my opinion, the first step is letting the creatures move out of the way while staying back a little. the second step, if the first one fails, is running away. the last resort is fighting, and often it fails. i briefly got pretty good at the combat before realizing i could just run away from most of the creatures.

but less than smooth combat is a staple of survival horror! while scorn may not be traditional survival horror, it does have some of those elements (just as it has some puzzle elements without being a full on puzzle game).

the puzzles were fine. i'm gonna be honest i looked up walkthroughs for most of them because i'm terrible at puzzles in games despite thinking the genre can be amazing but i didn't feel like it detracted from my experience. however, that doesn't mean that i would have preferred an absence of puzzles. i enjoyed their presence and didn't mind them, though in some cases they could have been better integrated into the world. but that's not a major complaint.

i do think the boss battle is definitely the weakest part of the whole thing. it was a little too long for my taste and the fact that i had to do it, albeit a shorter version, again was annoying. however, it made up for it quickly with some wonderful body horror and narrative. the last few moments of the game were some of the strongest.

speaking of the narrative, holy shit. scorn is so different to every other game you can find, and the way the narrative is presented is no different in that regard. i thoroughly enjoyed it. the wordless storytelling was such a breath of fresh air. too many games these days (and older ones too--thinking of you, alan wake) overexplain every single aspect. it was wonderful to have a game tell you nothing and show you everything you need to be shown. i don't think every game needs to be wordless, and despite my near-constant bitching about cinematic games (and fucking david cage), i don't have a major problem with cinematic games. i do think some just want to be films and don't do enough to be games except drag the story on further than you want them to, but cinematic games are. fine. games with words are also great, you can't just separate "games with words" into its own category. but there's something to be said about how scorn presents itself to you. there's something to be said about how it's on you to observe and interpret and figure things out. a lot of games don't want you to figure them out. they want you to follow the objective markers and watch the next cutscene. it gets tiring, and i don't even play that many games like that nowadays. scorn uses its medium to its advantage.

people have said it's a walking simulator. (bizarrely they've also said the combat was added to stop people calling it a walking simulator. cause that makes sense.) it is not a walking simulator. it has puzzles. it has combat. the story isn't happening at you, you're part of the story.

and personally i love the story. the dynamic between scornguy and the parasite is so compelling to me, and i do think the ending was perfect. the alternative would have felt much cheaper and unearned to me. and i do love tragedy.

lastly, i don't understand how people actually want a sequel or dlc. did you see that ending. did you understand the themes. what do you think they'll add?? a different ending if you pay 15.99? new guns for 9.99? the "loads of cut content" (there isn't that much--the artbook mostly shows concept art and there are two cut areas, only one of which was cut due to time and financial constraints) for 29.99, messing up the pacing entirely? because it's a well paced game, with a few exceptions.

it's not a perfect game, but which game is? and it's not my favorite game of all time or anything, but it's definitely a memorable experience. i wanna recommend it to people but also i know i shouldn't. please play scorn if you like weird fleshy games. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

[nono-bunny]

Why do you people even watch ATLA if makes so many of you miserable?

WHEN did I ever say it makes me miserable lmao

So. First of all? I literally first watched/got to know this show as a kid alongside my little brother, tuning in to random episodes rather than watching it all in order on my own. I always respected it and thought it was cool, but it took me a bit to watch it all properly, and by that time I already watched the finale, had the inkling it was dumb, and when I watched everything that feeling was only strengthed

Like? Idk who you are but your question seems to imply you're a new fan coming in from the 2020 ATLA renaissance, and it's important to remember that's super not the case for a lot people. I grew up with the show! I keep rewatching it every couple of years! Not because I hate it and I want to get mad, but because I do genuinely love like, 90% of it- and most of the stuff I hate about it, and a lot of my anger towards it was born MUCH later than my first watchthrough. When you watch something you enjoy a whole bunch of times and get familiar with it, of course you're also gonna become aware of its flaws! And, as much as I hate having to say it, Aang as a character IS the show's biggest flaw- he doesn't carry his weight as the show's protagonist, and kid me could sense it, while adult me can now look at him and say WHY.

ATLA fan culture is a bit problematic in the sense that it's been put on such a high pedestal that it can seem weird when people criticize it, but like? There are parts of it that are DESERVING of criticism, heck, pretty much all of the people who worked on it who've spoken about it in the years since would agree that there are some stuff that either didn't age well or weren't well made in the first place, like- being critical of something or hating some aspects of it doesn't mean you hate the whole thing!!!

Fr if I didn't enjoy ATLA at all I wouldn't ever bother rewatching it, or engaging with the fandom, or consuming fan content... But I obviously do, given that I'm here speaking about it YEARS after I first saw it, because it resonated with me, and I love it! Even if I'm still mad as fuck about a lot of stuff that happened in the franchise over the years (and the finale, the can't be stressed enough), that doesn't detract from the fact that there are still more stuff about it that I love than I don't... Even if I tend to talk about the bad stuff because they make me ranty and I have to release all my thoughts somewhere else I'd explode lol. Btw, before I started being more active on Tumblr I'd just bombard my best friend with my thoughts on shit they'd never seen/played/experience so. Tumblr is genuinely just a good place for this because sometimes people see my thoughts and agree, sometimes they don't and it's all chill honestly

Watching ATLA for the most part makes me really happy, actually! But there are a selection of episodes that make me mad, and like? If you're not up to seeing less stellar reviews of the show, THERE'S A REASON I TAG EVERYTHING!! You can just block "anti___" tags, I respect that not everyone agrees with my takes on the show, and I specifically take care that they won't have to see them if they don't want to, so, really... Unless you ACTUALLY wanna have a discussion about my issues with the show, wouldn't it have been so much easier to just block either me or the tags and move on rather than question my enjoyment of something I dearly love for like, no reason whatsoever? Oh well whatever this was kinda a funny ask to get, thanks for the laugh lol "you people" cracked me up

[anastacialy]

making my own rambly post so as to not talk over / detract from op in the tags but this is re: my last reblog

i genuinely agree from the white perspective™ which im sure no one wants (but i have felt compelled to say anyway, hence the readmore). i feel that certain parts of the internet, namely the tumblr i grew up on, shamed white people for appropriation to the point that it lost it's original meaning, much like many words on this godforsaken site.

i mean, we can even look to the overuse of words like weaboo and god even TEAboo as if a white american liking media made in the UK is also overstepping some horrible boundary of Stay In Your Lane and On Your Side. fuck you if you like anime attitude. which, by the way, also mixes with transandrophobia even today, the accusations of transmascs "really" being fujioshis and wishing T would make them "an anime boy." te assumption that all transmascs are white which is simply untrue. the casual hatred toward kpop fans as a monolith, the assumption that said fans are all white, the rascism that inevitably follows ("cringe kpop pfp" "that's ME in my pfp!")

years after i made a stupid little lipsync to niki minaj's arguably most popular with little white girls songs, superbass, i suddenly became horrified because, wasn't that appropriation too, in the new definition? wasn't it horrible to have enjoyed that song, wasn't it cringe, didn't that make me a bad person? i guess i have to hide that i like her music. better not say doja cat is one of my favorite artists. better keep that to myself, it's appropriative, right?

it got to the point that my sister, going to a faire that was focused around scottish and irish culture — OUR culture, primarily (save for the classic White Guy™ experience of being 1/78th native american) — HORRIFIED me. that was appropriative, wasn't it? shouldn't we be ashamed? we aren't really scottish, not really irish. maybe our father is, sure, but we weren't raised with the culture. if we aren't already steeped in our culture, then, doesn't that make it bad to want to learn about it?

that thought extends beyond appropriation, beyond this conversation once again. if you aren't already something, then you can't try to be something, that's appropriative, that's cringe, you're a poser.

nevermind that no real goth people seem to be able to come to a consensus on what goth music is, if you don't already listen to the right sort of goth music, you aren't goth, you can't ever be goth, you can't ever learn or change or grow.

nevermind that no real feminist / activist / lgbtqia+ allies can agree on what the perfect set of values are, if you don't already know to be perfect and unlearn every bias ever taught to you and just know what the right way to be an feminist / activist / lgbtqia+ ally, you aren't an ally, can never be an ally, can never learn or change or grow.

and nevermind that no actual people of color can come to a consensus on what is or isn't overstepping into appropriation, (the asoka trend, for instance, also terrified me, wasn't that appropriative? yet actual indian people are saying they love the trend) you have to already know what is appropriative and what isn't, you can't ever learn, or change, or grow.

anyway, that ramble got away from me. i'm trying to unlearn that all, listen to music i like without sticking myself into a box, unashamedly watch anime and kdrama and i could go on, but i've gone on for long enough, so i'll stop talking now. i just think the op in that post hit the nail on the head. that feeling of look but don't touch, keep yourself away, nod like it's a museum and say there's so much culture here. don't buy jewelry or god forbid wear it from the naitive american booth, just nod and keep your distance.

[classicalsongbirdknits]

Knitflixing for Canadians suggestion for August: The Great Canadian Baking Show!

I have decided it is time. It is time for me to attempt to convince you to check out this absolute gem of a show.

Baking shows always seemed up my alley, but I'm far too sensitive. I don't like when the judges are mean, and I don't like when the contestants are mean. It makes me sad! And even though I know that a lot of it is just for TV drama (like Gordon Ramsey), I can't help but feel bad for people. But people in the Great Canadian Baking Show are so nice! The contestants help each other out, the judges are firm but kind and give good advice, and the hosts are funny and give lots of verbal support. Even though only one person can win, it seems like everyone legitimately enjoys their time in the tent. In other words, it's exactly my kind of show.

And, of course, we can't forget the amazing creations. Participants draw on local dishes, family dishes, and different types of cuisines to bake foods that are new, creative, and absolutely stunning! Each episode has something new and different from at least one of the contestants, and, if you'd like to try the recipes, some are available on the CBC (although I recommend looking after you've finished watching, because some articles reference who won that season).

If the above doesn't convince you, how about this? Please, pretty pretty please with sugar on top, watch this show! I love it so much, I've watched each season multiple times. Knowing who won doesn't detract at all from the experience, and I wait eagerly for each new season to come to Netflix (although if you can't wait, it also airs on CBC Gem, which you can access for free with some ads, or there's a paid subscription).

Now go watch!

You might like this show if: you like The Great British Bake Off, you like cooking and baking shows, you'd like to see which contestants are from your area, or my incessant begging has worn you down.

You might not like it if: you prefer Gordon Ramsey-esque baking and cooking shows, with lots of competitive banter and super tough judges, you don't like baking/cooking shows at all, and you don't like food-related puns.

[max--phillips]

Hi!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, patient and indepth answer. It made me think quite a lot, so I guess you're in for at least another way too long message. I am so glad I got up my courage to write to you, you're so sweet.

In past few months, I also asked myself if there were signals that I missed because I just didn't know better. At first, I thought - no, not really. Growing up, I could play with any toys from legos and robots to fairy doll tea house. Sure, I got told to sit like lady when in public or not laugh so brayingly now and then, and had long hair, and in my fantasies I ran around as very pretty, but kickass princess or tomboy football captain and so forth, without any judgement from parent. That sounds pretty normal girlhood experience, to me.

But there is this one thing. When I was in high school, taking psychology class I took the quiz for the now since debunked left-right brain thinking and I scored almost perfectly in middle ground and I remember, quite vividly, what spark of just joy I felt about that and even went to tell my parent.

There isn't a lot I remember so strongly, so I've sometimes wondered why it imprinted on me so. I kept writing off first as internalized misogny and toxic masculinity (Ah! I am neither of these often negatively seen groups! I am not like other girls! Or the stupid boys.) and then - as my attempt to make sense of why I never belonged among my peers and to find something good in it, just as neurodivergent kid who didn't know they're neurodivergent. But last night after reading your response, I couldn't sleep and suddenly realized - why can't it have several meanings? Just the same way being autistic and asexual doesn't detract from or change either of these identities, I could've found comfort both in unrealized gender expression and as neurodivergent, in that moment.

Also, I often wore leather pageboy hat at one point in my life and got told I look like a guy with my dark winter clothes and my response was always "and so/so what?" and I'd even laugh with my parent about it. I thought it meant that I am just very secure in my self expression and my girl/womanhood, the way cishet guy may wear earrings or nailpolish. But now I am not so sure. Not that I am sure of much, ever.

And I think it was last year that I had bunched wet hair under beanie and passed by mirror and saw my hair kind of curling across my forehead just so, but otherwise gone and I felt almost startled/struck by lightning that I look cute but not in like, distinctly feminine way, more like someone nonbinary you'd see in a vid, and it really stuck to me. I never quite managed to repeat same effect and feeling, but I think after that, I started paying even more attention to trans, nonbinary and such videos I watched as part of me trying to learn about other queer identities, both to understand them better and interact in positive way and to write them right, if I ever got guts to do so. I even wrote to a friend maybe I'd make a cute guy har har that night, I think.

Also, some years back I went around and asked friends if they had ever dreams in which they were a man. I've had a few, where it was just matter of fact and I didn't pay it attention and I don't know why I asked, but basically my cis friends said that no. I've also written and RPd as guys often and never really got upset about it, but I think that also is just... Normal?

You're absolutely right that there's no one way to look nonbinary. I think I got hung up on the idea that if I looked like [darkly floral cryptid you cannot tell gender of] and people saw me as that, reacted as such, and I experienced euphoria, it'd be clear sign I am nonbinary, some kind of one-all solution or answer, but when I think about it, I'd probably get panic attack if someone asked me what gender I am in real life and find reason to doubt my reaction anyway, the way I am second guessing that spark of joy I got from buying floral top that makes me look quite flat and I am just like 'so what if it's just because it feels like I am doing theater or cosplaying or just new look joy?'.

I've tried to use more gender neutral speech about myself for past month and it didn't make me uncomfortable or unhappy, that I know for sure.

Thank you for the tips on the TransTape, I bookmarked the site and it seems some stores might open up soon again that I can look into better sports bra. And honestly, the end of your response made me tear up. Truly and warmly said, thank you, and I think I have a lot more confidence now that sometime soon I might tell some of my friends about my new pronouns. Past few weeks I've had the urge to do so, but I tamped it back. But why deny me this and the joy I might get from it? You're absolutely right.

Even if it changes in the long run, even if I decide she/her is good fit to me after all, the spaces I will have explored and maybe learned to change some things to make me more happy with myself, it will have been worth it.

Thank you so much, truly.

AAAA anon I'm so happy that I could help!!!!!!! Seriously!!

I also had some confounding variables so to speak when looking back on my childhood. Like, for instance, my parents aren't really your traditionally masculine/feminine het couple. My dad has repeatedly described himself as a beta male (which is objectively hilarious) and he's like... the least toxically masculine person in my family. My mom is feminine, sure, but she's reclaimed femininity in a way that's nearly a caricature of it; she's all loud patterns and sparkles and pink and unicorns (and she makes most of her clothes herself!), but she also takes no shit and has a career. Nonetheless, neither of them mind getting their hands dirty, they share cleaning and cooking tasks, and they both were equally active in raising me and my brother. My dad taught me how to work on electronics and cars, my mom taught me how to do various fiber arts and sew. Neither of them ever shut down any of my interests for any reason, and certainly not based on gender. So gender wasn't a big factor in my growing up, but did that make me nonbinary?? Not necessarily. I'm fairly certain it's just coincidence, but it definitely did mean I didn't feel the need to change much when I figured out I was.

And boy howdy did I have the worst case of "not like other girls" when I was in elementary and middle school. Like, genuinely, if you were considered a "popular" girl and you knew me back then, I am So Sorry Actually. But, I think part of that is because I was nonbinary, but a huge part of that was because I was a lesbian and didn't know it, so there were several things going on there. My point here being: there can definitely be several meanings to these things. Gender, sexuality, neurodivergency, all sorts of stuff.

I know personally cutting my hair off was a huge relief for me, and I've never gone back. Granted, not everyone wants to commit to that and I personally have a very detached relationship with my hair because like... I know it'll grow back? But point is, play around with pinning your hair up and wearing hats some! That's a really easy way to get the effect of having short hair without actually cutting it all off.

As for having dreams where your gender is different than how you currently present: I think that's a pretty surefire way to tell that you have at least something going on. Like, not two months ago I had a dream where I had facial hair, and I woke up like "What... what. what" because it looked good, dammit, and not a week later I decided I wanted to go on T just to see what happens. I also tend to relate more to male characters and such (thus, yknow... my blog dlfjkad) so I feel you there very much.

I also feel like cis people who have played around with gender, have explored that part of themselves and then figured out it wasn't for them are almost like... more valid in their gender, if that makes sense? Obviously everyone is valid in their gender, but stepping out of your comfort zone and trying out a few things and then deciding that it's not for you is good! And it can be validating in its own right! Plus, like you said, you learn things about yourself you might not have otherwise!

Anywho, you're absolutely more than welcome and I hope that you find gender euphoria and happiness and a good sports bra that is both comfortable and effective (because lord knows that can be a challenge sometimes) <3