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riversofmars · 2 years

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Time for a new A Numbers Game chapter and I finally got around to making a proper poster for the fic as well!!

Chapter 18 under the cut or on AO3 <3

Emotional climax. Heart warming resolution. Sweet catharsis. If the only point of the story had been to fill you in on how Helen and I finally took a leap of faith after skirting the edge for so long, you could say we have reached something of a conclusion. It has been quite the story and I have kept you for a long time already but I would ask you to stick with us a little longer. There are matters that have yet to be resolved: the issue of the Daleks’ hold on planet Earth for a start, the problem of us being stranded in the twenty-first century and, unfortunately, the issue of Helen’s inexperience and self-consciousness about following her heart.

While I lack the words to describe how happy her decision to explore our romantic feelings for each other made me, it didn’t take away the stab of pain I felt when she hurriedly pulled away to the sound of our friends returning. Surely the Doctor and River were the last people she needed to worry about as both of them were well aware of the feelings I harboured for her, but her reaction was so quick that it seemed instinctual. It made sense. It would take time to unlearn her fears and worries, and while I would give her all the time in the world to figure things out, it didn’t hurt any less.

“How are you two getting on?” River questioned upon their return.

“Fine. Helen is about to learn a thing or two about sutures.” I judged it best to see to what we should have dealt with already: my other more severely injured arm. I sought to meet Helen’s eyes but she kept them cast down, fumbling with the first aid kit to look busy. Her cheeks had pinked with embarrassment and I ignored my own emotions for her benefit. I pulled the medical supplies away from her with my bandaged arm and started looking for a suture kit.

“I could give you a hand if you’d rather, it certainly wouldn’t be my first attempt,” River offered off-handedly and while I was in no way surprised that River Song had had need and opportunity to suture someone - or possibly herself -, I could do without her getting more practice in on me.

“I’d rather do it myself, thanks,” I answered, focused on the equipment in front of me.

“Suit yourself,” River hummed as she circled around the table for a better look. “But you may need someone to prepare the needle for you,” she hummed and I rolled my eyes.

“Helen, could you…” I pointed out what I needed help with and Helen blinked, startled out of her stupor.

“Of course,” she offered hurriedly. I exchanged a glance with River who seemed to sense there was something going on. As with so many things, she likely had a sixth sense for it. She didn’t comment, even as Helen proved clumsy with the needle and thread.

“Find anything interesting?” I asked to steer the conversation into safe waters while I struggled into a rubber glove with my right hand. I tried to muster my professionalism and ignore the pulling pain on my bandaged arm with every movement of my hand.

“Certainly not the worst place to crash-land in,” the Doctor answered and dropped an armful of equipment - all manner of technology: computer parts, comms equipment and tools - onto the other end of the table. I frowned at the mess, confused about its purpose.

“As we had hoped, there are several military vehicles around,” River added.

“Unfortunately, they’re bust. We will need to see what we can salvage to get one to work. So once you’re done in here…” the Doctor carried on almost absent-mindedly as she started rummaging around the pile of spare parts.

“Nothing would make me happier,” I answered sarcastically, drawing up a syringe with local anaesthetic, a neat one-handed trick any med-tech who’d ever worked in in emergency care had to have down. “And what will you be doing?”

“Well, while you try to get that car to work, I’m going to need to build a new dampener, something to hide us. Cover of darkness will not be enough,” she explained as she started pulling apart radio transmitters.

“Hope it works better than the last one,” I huffed with the intention of distracting myself as much as I could without losing my professional focus. Helen, meanwhile, grimaced as I injected my arm with anaesthetic. It wasn’t the most pleasant experience but it would be far better than suturing without it.

“I’m sure we will figure something out,” River smiled. “We ought to be on the lookout for Dalek patrols. I imagine we will be safe here for the time being but we shouldn’t take any chances. I’ll take the first watch?” She offered, looking around expectantly.

“We have a good few hours till nightfall,” the Doctor added.

“Plenty of time then,” I concluded as I took the needle to my skin. Helen reached out, grabbed my hand to steady the injured arm that I’d twisted around for a better view. I glanced up for a moment and while she looked insecure and awkwardly avoided my eyes, her fingers brushed mine in a gentle, reassuring caress that did plenty to put me at ease.

—

We all set about busying ourselves: River had gone outside to scout the terrain, the Doctor was making something out of nothing, cannibalising every item of technology she could find and Helen and I finished the task of seeing to my wounds. Once I’d got going, the suturing took no time at all, and shortly after Helen was wrapping up my arm in another bandage. While I was quite the sight with my matching bandages, I felt a whole lot better than before. The sting had lessened and the dressings were doing their job. Given the fact we heal quickly where I’m from, it would probably only be a few days before I’d see significant improvement and be back to normal.

“Right, let’s see about a car…” I stood and the Doctor looked up.

“Just out the back, there is a little courtyard between the building units. There are several old trucks and such by a garage, plenty of tools too, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’ll come and help once I’m done with this,” she explained and as if on cue, the device she was putting together shot off sparks.

“I imagine I’ll be done before you are at this rate,” I commented in amusement and exchanged a look with Helen who chuckled.

“And I guess I’ll gather provisions for the onward journey,” she added and we all nodded in agreement.

Thus we went our separate ways, setting about our allotted tasks and I found myself alone with my thoughts at last. As I looked for the way out of the barracks, my brian finally caught up with the fact that Helen and I had discussed and acted on our feelings that were far from one-sided. I could have jumped for joy and did my best to reign in my emotions to a joyful grin. Even if I was still sad about the way Helen had pulled away the moment our friends had returned, one important fact remained and overrode any negative emotion the longer I had to think on it: Helen was in love with me. She had said it, clear as day, laid her heart bare and allowed me to understand the things I had struggled with for so long. We had a chance. Finally. We had kissed and my lips tingled at the memory. It was difficult to turn my mind to the job at hand when I got to the courtyard the Doctor had described.

The sun stood much lower now with evening approaching, but dry desert heat remained once I stepped outside. We had crashed in an open area that was mostly classic sand and tundra, an open plain, and the heat was a lot less humid than it had been in the jungle and therefore far more pleasant for me. It was quite similar to Kaldor and I was pleased to find that it wouldn’t be a bother as I found the broken down cars the Doctor had referred to. They were trucks rather than just cars, big and bulky with obvious damages. Luckily, twenty-first century technology is relatively easy to figure out and as the Doctor had promised, there were a lot of tools and equipment about.

There was one big downside however…

“Ouch! Bastard!” I swore under my breath and dropped the wrench. It nearly hit my head as I was lying under the truck to effect repairs and had lost my grip on it. I groaned exasperated and closed my eyes for a moment while taking a deep breath. My forearms were protesting in the strongest terms. They didn’t do well under the strain and I was worried about tearing my stitches. I had gotten as far as to work out which truck was in the best condition, what needed fixing, even had the spare parts but doing the repairs included accessing the underside of the car and wielding heavy tools, something that was quite the challenge in my current state.

“How are you doing down there?”

The voice came out of nowhere and made me jump. I jolted upright and - of course - knocked right into the underside of the car.

“Fucking hell-!” I cursed and groaned. That was all I needed. I rubbed my head, a dump already forming under my hairline, as I pulled myself out from under the truck.

“Oh God, Liv, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Helen had clasped her hands over her mouth, looking extremely guilty when she laid eyes upon me.

“It’s fine…” I sighed as I couldn’t really be mad at all. I would have startled either way, no matter how she had made her presence known, and the expression of concern on her face was utterly endearing.

“Let me have a look…” she offered and knelt down beside me where I sat up. She reached out to brush my hair back before I could protest.

“Just 'cause you got to do first aid once-” I retorted teasingly but didn’t object. Her hand felt lovely in my hair and made me forget all about the small incident. “I’m fine,” I assured her with a smile. It was quite remarkable how the tension that had existed between us for days had dissipated entirely. With the air cleared and consensus reached, we fell back into the comfortable rhythm that had made us grow close in the first place.

“Are you sure about that?” She frowned with genuine concern and her eyes turned from my head to my hands. I followed her glance and realised what she was referring to: Blood had come up in dark splodges in several places across my bandages. It wasn’t exactly surprising, given the discomfort my efforts had put me in.

“Okay, that’s not… damn…” I huffed, annoyed more than concerned. It was an inconvenience. The healing process would take longer if the cuts kept opening. “Think I nearly ripped my stitches…” I turned my left arm and was pleased to find that the dressing was still relatively clean. If the stitches had ripped, I would have been able to see.

“Are you sure you’re okay to do this?” Helen asked, turning her attention towards the truck.

“Not got much of a choice. We have to get going at some point. I can fix it, it’s just… my arms…” I gave a sigh of frustration. There wasn’t even that much to do still if I could will my arms into holding up the tools properly.

“Can I help?” She offered after brief consideration and I raised my eyebrows.

“Do you know anything about fixing vehicles?” I questioned, knowing full well that that would be a ‘no’ but her answer was far more determined than I had expected:

“No but I didn’t know anything about dressing wounds until earlier either,” she pointed out and I was ever so glad to see her confidence returning, her quiet strength that I would so gladly submit to. “You’ll just have to tell me what to do. We can do it together.”

“Alright,” I smiled and she did too. When she set her mind to something, who was I to argue? “Together then. Let me show you where I got up to.” And with that I leaned down once more to slide back under the car. Helen joined me without delay or complaint.

As with most things, she was a quick study. All I had to do was point her in the right direction and she took to it like a fish to water. The space underneath the car was cramped, hardly made for two people but we made do. It was a lovely feeling to be working on something together, each of us contributing in our own way. We work perfectly as a team, we always have and that was further proof.

—

“That should do it,” I grinned and nudged Helen affectionately as she lowered her tools and took a deep breath. It was incredibly hot underneath the truck and about time we came up for air. I pushed myself out from under the vehicle first, making room for her as she followed suit.

“That wasn’t so bad,” she commented with a sigh of relief, emerging the conquering hero as she pulled herself out from under the car. She wiped the back of her hand across her forehead in an effort to rid herself of the sweat that had gathered there. As I helped her to her feet I could - and should - have told her that she had just smeared motor oil all across her face in the process but I wasn’t entirely in possession of all of my faculties if I’m being perfectly honest. There is something incredibly attractive about a capable woman getting hot and bothered while repairing heavy machinery. I am only human and Helen is an incredibly attractive woman. I might have been staring.

She was fanning herself some air and my mind jumped to how I would have liked to help her out of the blouse that was sticking to her, but I feared that would be crossing lines too soon. So I opted for handing her a bottle of water instead that she had brought along earlier.

“Thanks,” she smiled and gestured for me to inspect her handiwork. “Try it out?” She prompted me out of my stupor of admiring her and started unscrewing the bottle. I jumped to action - if somewhat haphazardly - and climbed into the driver’s seat.

To my delight the motor started up when I turned the key. We had done it! It was one worry off my mind and I breathed a sigh of relief. While we were safe for the time being, we were no help whatsoever to our friends in London and the rest of the world. We had to get back as soon as possible. I cast my eyes out to the horizon across the desert. The sun was setting. It would be dark soon. We had made the repairs just in time and should be able to leave in a few hours at the latest. The Doctor would be pleased.

I gave Helen a grin and a thumbs up before turning the truck off again.

“Well done, couldn’t have done it better myself,” I complimented her and she blushed but smiled.

One thing you should know about Helen Sinclair is that for a long time, she never thought herself good enough. I think it has a lot to do with the time and place she was raised in and the way her father, in particular, treated her and her mother. In the 60s women were not considered capable of so many things, which seems utterly ludicrous to me; Helen is one of the most intelligent, capable people I know. It took her a long time to realise that her contributions were welcome, and that she was as much a member of our team as the Doctor and I. She always tried so hard to do right and fit in and pull her weight, unable to see her own worth and that fact that she was doing brilliantly. She was wanted, appreciated and accepted, and above all: she was enough, just the way she was. I always, still, feel a little sting of sadness when I witness her putting herself down or find her unable to take the credit she is due.

Perhaps, I considered, it was part of the reason why she had never been able to speak up for herself with me, even once she had figured out her feelings. Maybe she just didn’t feel worthy of the same love and attention as other people and the thought twisted up my insides, bringing a wave of nausea and worry. I wished she could see herself the way I did: as utterly brilliant, beautiful, funny, capable… and quite simply worthy of all the love and adoration I could possibly give her.

I swung myself out of the truck, jumped down in front of Helen and didn’t waste another moment on thoughts of concern. I grabbed hold of her hips and manoeuvred her around, gently but urgently, and she gave an endearing gasp of surprise when her back collided with the truck. She looked at me wide-eyed for a moment but I simply flashed her a smitten grin, swept up in the realisation that given our confessions, this was something I was well within my rights to do. Now that the heightened emotions had drained away somewhat, they had left a state of quiet wonder and hope for the future, something I wanted to savour and hopefully build upon with small but steady steps. And so I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to Helen’s more firmly and confidently than before. Where before it had been a case of “may I please?”, this was more of a “how about this, isn’t this nice?”. Helen’s response was less nervous this time around. Her lips curled into a tentative smile and she kissed me back. Her hands found the base of my neck and held me close, assurance enough I needn’t fear she’d run.

I leaned into her body, delighted in the way we fit together as I had almost assumed we would. It felt natural; it felt right; and I was growing light-headed in Helen’s presence. I brushed my tongue against the seam of her lips, eager for more and her response, while reluctant, was welcoming. She parted her lips and I kissed her slowly and more deeply, brushing my tongue to hers.

Now, I can’t speak to Helen’s previous experiences. While I know she’s never kissed a woman before now, I don’t know what her experiences with men would have been like. I didn’t want to rush her but I also couldn’t get enough of her. I had waited for this for so long and to think everything I wanted was well within reach was incredibly alluring.

“Liv-” Helen’s voice was shaky and breathless when we parted for air.

“Sorry…” I hummed and rested my forehead against hers. “I know this is going to take some getting used to for you but- now that-” I bit my lip nervously, worried Helen would put me in my placer over my forwardness but I needn’t have feared.

“It’s okay,” she mumbled, her cheeks a lovely shade of pink and a shy smile tugging at her lips.

“Is it?” I asked softly and she nodded as her fingers toyed with the hair at the back of my neck.

“Yes,” she confirmed and met my eyes if only for a moment. They fluttered shut when I grasped the lovely opportunity and kissed her once more. I was eager to make up for lost time and as Helen matched my enthusiasm with her own, I lost myself in the sensation. I pushed myself closer to her still and slowly, her inhibitions seemed to be breaking away. That time, she took the initiative and sought entrance to my mouth and I was only too glad to oblige. Her hands pushed into my hair, balling to fists and I couldn’t suppress an instinctual moan.

That was a step too far. Helen pulled back as if she had gotten burned.

“Gosh-” Quickly she cast her eyes down as I did much of the same. “Liv-” She blushed deeply. “I-”

“Sorry, I- Sorry.” I flushed with embarrassment as well. I was running before we could walk and I cleared my throat awkwardly. I released her hips, suddenly aware of how tightly I had been holding her and took a step back, even if I didn’t want to give up our closeness.

“That was-” Helen didn’t seem to have words so I tried for a quiet explanation:

“I think you- uh- I think you underestimate how uhm… physically… attracted I am to you-” I thought it best to admit.

“Right,” she nodded and the red of her cheeks seemed to darken even more. She was clearly not used to hearing these things.

“Sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable… I just… you ought to know,” I apologised quickly.

“That you… find me attractive?” Forming the appropriate words seemed to take quite a bit of effort on her part as they came slowly and reluctantly. Her eyes remained cast down and she crossed her arms in front of her chest, creating a barrier between us. I knew then that it would be a hard piece of work to help her overcome her past demons, help her grow comfortable in her own skin and learn to enjoy the experiences I hoped to share with her. It was no matter, I decided, it would be worth it and she deserved all my patience and effort.

“I don’t think you realise how much self control it has cost me over the years not to let it show… too much…” I offered gently, beginning the long, tedious process that would be building up her confidence and self-worth after a life-time of deprecation and doubt. She had come so far since she had left her old life behind and I was forced to realise that my relationship with Tania and our experiences of being stuck in 2020 had done a lot to undo that progress. Somehow she had gotten shoved into the role of the housewife and babysitter, taking care of things while I had been distracted with Tania… I was determined to reverse things.

“I don’t know how to talk about these things, Liv…” Helen mumbled without looking up. The flush of her cheeks had reached the tips of her ears and her shoulders slumped in discomfort.

“We don’t need to, at all,” I assured her as I didn’t need her to say anything at all. I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me and how much - for want of a better word - I wanted her. Gently I reached out for her wrist, drew her hand and arm out of a tense embrace of herself. “We just… take things one step at a time and-”

“And what happens when we get back to London?” She interrupted me with something that seemed to be weighing heavily on her.

“Aren’t we allowed a little bit of a honeymoon phase before going back to reality?” I tried to make light of it, unprepared for the thought that struck unease into me in turn. It would be a difficult situation to manoeuvre and something I would rather have dealt with when the inescapable need arose.

“I just don’t know how I feel about anyone finding out…” She carried on and looked up at last. I can’t quite describe the expression in her eyes. It wasn’t doubt, which was a relief. We had gone too far, taken too long, to get hung up on doubts of our feelings now. It was more of a matter of insecurity, anxiety and guilt.

“Helen, the time we live in…” I started but she interrupted me once more:

“It’s not that. Not only that…” she shook her head lightly but allowed her hand to rest within mine. “Tania…” she said her name with sorrow and my heart sank at the thought as well. I tried my best to put on a brave face:

“Will be happy for us… in time… she knew. You do realise that? She-”

“That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt her,” she cut in. “Honestly, Liv, how can you-” Her eyes flashed disappointment and while my insides twisted and turned with guilt and worry, I sought to explain and defend myself:

“Of course I care about how she feels, of course I- you’re right, I just… I have been wanting this - you - for a long time,” I held her hand tightly, afraid to let her go. “Of course I don’t want to rub her face in it, of course not,” I gave a heavy sigh. “We won’t tell anyone, not until you’re comfortable.” It was the right course of action. As much as I wanted to shout my joy off the rooftops, it would be the wrong time. As much understanding as Tania had shown, it would be unfair of us to cast her in the light of the other woman, the mistake soon to be forgotten about when really, that was far from the truth. I cared for her and I knew Helen did too, neither of us wanted to hurt her.

“Yes, that would be good,” Helen nodded at last, obviously calmer for my assurances.

“That’s fine by me. One step at a time, like I said,” I repeated and felt the heaviness and tension lifting around us.

“Good,” Helen gave a small smile, squeezing my hand, and I raised her fingers to my lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles as way of a promise.

“Good,” I agreed and felt quite accomplished for having successfully discussed the first major issue of our relationship - if I dared call it that at that point - and reached an agreement. Helen seemed equally as pleased as she tucked me a little closer by our intertwined hands.

“Now, can we-” she mumbled somewhat shyly. “Would you-” She guided my hands back to her hips and I broke into a grin. I certainly didn’t need asking twice and quickly closed the gap between us once more. If we would have to restrain ourselves upon our return to London, I would savour this time as much as I could.

“Well, well, well,” a voice sounded, familiar and teasing, and we jumped apart.

“River!” I exclaimed while Helen gave a mortified gasp, quite as if we had been caught red-handed in a double murder rather than sharing a kiss at dusk.

“Oh please, don’t stop on my account,” River smirked, looking positively smug. “I just wanted to see how you’re getting on but it seems you got sidetracked in the best possible way.”

“As it happens, the truck works just fine,” I shot back defiantly as Helen retreated to a safe distance and I sought to divert attention away from her by gesturing towards the vehicle: “We’re good to go!”

“Oh well, that’s just perfect timing then,” River retorted with a grin. “It’s getting dark. We’ll just need the Doctor to finish their dampener and we can set off.” She clapped her hands together.

“I think I’m just gonna…” Helen mumbled to excuse herself and before I could do anything to stop her, she fled the scene. I turned to follow, loathing the idea of letting her walk off by herself in an emotionally unstable state but River stepped into my way.

“Just a quick word, Liv?” She requested, her voice and expression suddenly more serious than before. I sighed, annoyed, and all of a sudden felt a whole lot more sympathetic towards Helen’s reluctance to share our news. There were bound to be opinions and questions asked by our friends. I didn’t have time for her lectures and/or teasing.

“If you’re going to tell me to treat her right-” I started but she didn’t let me finish:

“I know you will. That is not my concern.”

“Then what is?” I asked, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I got the distinct feeling I would not like what she had to say which was unnerving. I would have thought River of all people would be pleased for us. I cast a searching glance over her shoulder but Helen had disappeared into the darkness that was gathering quickly now.

“As happy as I am for you - and I am, truly, you both deserve every happiness - I can’t help but notice you are taking steps towards a future we are all hoping to avoid,” the archaeologist offered rather gently in a tone of voice I had rarely heard her employ. It was startling but not as startling as the realisation of what she was referring to. My chest tightened as part of Helen’s reasoning for refusing my advances returned to my mind.

“My death, you mean,” I observed, trying to sound as matter-of-factly as I could when discussing one’s own demise. “Surely there must have been other futures in which we were together where I didn’t-” I hoped to build up a defense but I didn’t get very far.

“Liv,” River’s voice was regretful but left little room for me to protest. It was enough to dissuade me from trying to argue needlessly when I understood her point all too well.

“I know,” I sighed, wishing I had never seen the future we had travelled to. It had been a mistake, one of many that I was inadvertently responsible for.

“Our odds are certainly improved but… please… be careful,” she carried on and was surprisingly sombre about it which gave me pause in itself.

“I will be,” I promised. I had no interest in dying, particularly now that finally my stars appeared to be aligning. I would be damned if I gave up on the chance of a life with Helen.

“And not just with yourself… with her too,” River insisted, taking advantage of having me on my own. “These things might seem natural, insignificant, small even to us but… not to her, be patient.”

“See now you are telling me to treat her right,” I chuckled and she smiled in response:

“And you will.”

“Of course, I’d never-” I took a deep breath. Helen didn’t have family I would ever have to face, relatives for whose respect I’d have to fight. River was probably the closest thing to a protective, caring figure she had and I felt like I had to make the point.

“I know,” she assured me with a smile and we were interrupted by the Doctor’s untimely arrival.

“I’m done!” She exclaimed as she stumbled out of the building, holding aloft a small device that looked a lot like it was held together by nothing but duct tape.

“Excellent timing,” River commented, the heaviness of our conversation dispersed into the night air. “While you install that I’m going to load up the fuel and provisions,” she instructed to which her wife nodded. Then she turned back to me and added: “How about you grab your girlfriend and we’ll be ready to go?”

“I’ll do that,” I agreed, trying to ignore how the use of the term brought colour to my cheeks. It was a lovely thought.

“Girlfriend?!” The Doctor echoed as I headed off but I didn’t stop. That was something for River to explain. I was more concerned with finding where Helen had got to.

Thankfully, she hadn’t gone far. She was more sensible than that. I found her around the front of the buildings where she had sat down on the ground with a lovely view of the open desert around. Night had fallen properly now with only a faint glow recalling the light of day on the horizon. The cloudless day was followed by an equally clear night, and above the moon stood bright against the sky, surrounded by the ocean of stars. I stalled for a moment, marvelling at the celestial display the likes of which I had been missing in the big city. I had noted as much during our outbound journey when flying in the night but to be stationary and looking up into the heavens was a different and more awe-inspiring experience. It made me feel incredibly small.

Helen, for her part, seemed rather engrossed in the night sky as well but she did take notice of my arrival, even if she didn’t turn.

“What did River want?” She asked as I stepped closer.

“Nothing important just to check how we were getting on…” I answered as I didn’t want to add to her worries by bringing up River’s concerns for what the future held in store for us.

“You were talking for a while…” Helen carried on, obviously sensing that there was more to it but I refused to bite.

“Honestly don’t worry about it,” I put the matter off and moved closer. “What are you doing?” I asked and sat down beside her. The ground was dusty and dry and I ran my fingers through the sand, gathering some in my hands and tipping it out again slowly, giving myself something to do and offering her space should she need it.

“Just enjoying the view,” she answered absent-mindedly without averting her eyes from the stars, whereas I watched her intently, observing how the pale moonlight reflected on her skin and played in her hair.

“Hm… quite the sight,” I commented non-committally and she gave a small smile of response.

“Are you flirting with me?” She questioned, glancing around at last, though only for a moment.

“Maybe,” I hummed in response and cast my eyes up to observe the constellations above.

The stars were bright and clear with the band of the Milky Way stretching across us. It was something you never got to see in London, or any city for that matter. I had realised that early on in life and felt like it was something Helen would appreciate knowing. “But it is quite the view. I love this about the desert. In Kaldor City you could never see the stars because of light pollution, same as London now… But when my dad took me rock climbing in the mountains, sometimes we would take a tent and stay out there for a while. Mum used to hate it. She was always worried we’d get caught in a sandstorm one day.”

“And did you?” She asked softly.

“There were a couple of close calls, I won’t lie,” I chuckled fondly at the memories. I can still see my mother’s face now, bright red as she was seething with anger when Dad and I returned covered head to toe in sand after barely escaping the desert plain with our lives. “But my point was: out there in the desert was where I first got to see the stars properly and they’ve never let me go. Being able to see them so clearly out there was one of the main reasons why I wanted to leave Kaldor. I couldn’t wait to go and see them up close,” I explained.

“I never thought that was something I’d ever get to do… seeing the stars… It’s just not the sort of thing you’ll find on the bucket list of someone from 1960,” Helen answered gently, her tone of voice betraying wonder and fascination with the sight above us. Just because she had never considered it didn’t mean she cared any less about it than I did. We were so very well-matched in that regard. It was one of the many fascinations we shared. I was surprised and delighted when her hand found mine, squeezing lightly as she carried on: “There are a lot of things I didn’t think I’d ever get to do…” I looked over to her but her eyes remained cast upward to the heavens, transfixed, and I thought, for a moment, she had blinked away tears. “I miss the stars. I miss being out there, among them,” she concluded and I could only agree.

“Me too…” I nodded.

“Do you think we will ever-” she carried on, sounding hope- and fear-ful at the same time. There was longing in her voice that I felt all too keenly in my heart. I wasn’t one for sitting still. I had always longed to travel, leave the mundane everyday behind and to see the wonders of the universe. That desire had never gone away, though it had changed somewhat over time and through experiences. Now I didn’t just want to travel the universe, now I wanted to share it with someone and not just anyone: with the woman by my side.

“Of course we will,” I stated confidently as I wouldn’t allow for any doubts. “It’ll be just like before. You, me, the Doctor and the TARDIS.”

“Family…” Helen summarised and a smile lit up her features, far more beautiful than the stars above. As much as I adored the view of the heavens, I only had eyes for her.

“Family,” I agreed, the notion warming my heart by making it beat faster, and Helen shuffled closer, resting her head on my shoulder. I smiled and wrapped my arm around her in a rare moment of contentment. The world was quiet around us, there was nothing for us to do, nowhere to be, nothing else to say. We simply sat in each other’s company, looking out into the universe, each - I imagined - dreaming up what we would experience once we returned to our travels and I hoped we were imagining the same things.

“Alright, you two love birds!” Of course it was River that disrupted the peace as she called out to us. We looked around and bright lights flicked on and blinded us as the truck rolled around the corner.

“No need for that,” I groaned, squinting against the headlights as we got to our feet. It took a moment for our eyes to adjust but when they did, we found the military vehicle coming to a stop beside us with River hanging out of the driver’s window. “In you get. We ride!”

Helen and I exchanged bemused looks in regards to River’s enthusiasm but did as instructed. We climbed into the back of the truck as the Doctor was sitting in the passenger seat fumbling with her dampener device.

“It’ll be a long drive, we better take turns,” the Time Lady commented once her wife kicked down the gas and we shot off into the night. “Get some rest while you can.”

“Not sure how you expect us to rest…” I mumbled when we hit a pothole and were jerked about. With the uneven terrain, I expected most of the journey would be similar and River’s driving style did nothing to reassure me. I grabbed tight hold of the door handle to my right hand side. On the other side, however, Helen grasped my hand, drawing small, soothing circles on the back of it with her thumb. I looked around to find her smiling at me and I won’t deny the soothing effect she had on me. Perhaps we would be able to rest once we had gotten used to things.

---

The space was sterile and functional but had everything I could possibly need. Compared to living conditions during the occupation of Nixyce VII, the small quarters I was assigned at the Ides Institute seemed like luxury. A bed, food, water, clothes… I could hardly complain. There was even an entertainment screen, though its main function appeared to be reiterating the importance and significance of the Institute.

“Make yourself at home, Med-tech Chenka,” the staffer said and I had almost forgotten he was still there. “I will be back in an hour and take you to meet the other volunteers that have made it to the testing stage,” he explained and I gave a nod of understanding.

“Alright, yeah, thanks.”

And with that, the door slid shut and I was alone. I took a deep breath and released it shakily. It was completely quiet and for the first time since - I wasn’t even sure how long - I felt able to sit and take a breather. I dropped onto the foot of the bed and kicked off my shoes. They were worn through and dirty and I took a moment to consider the distance I had come in them. Escaping Nixyce VII. Nine months in an isotope carrier. Surviving the explosion and destruction of the spaceship. Being picked up and nursed back to health by the Space Service. Fleeing their ship. Crash landing in the backend of beyond. Seeking to give help to the people society had forgotten about. And at long last I had walked in them to this place. Now, they lay next to a sparkling clean pair of lightweight trainers that I imagined I was expected to wear. On the bed, not far from where I was sitting, I spotted a neatly folded stack of clothes and as I looked down myself, I wondered what the interviewer had thought to my state of being. Like my boots, my clothes showed the wear and tear of a long tedious journey, the same scars I had come to wear in every aspect of my being, including my spirit.

Slowly I started peeling my clothes off me. First the coat, then my button-up shirt. The space service had been kind enough to see to my clothes being cleaned but plenty of time had passed since. As I surveyed the room further, I wandered to the adjoining bathroom, complete with a shower, and as I pulled my top off I became aware of how much my muscles were aching. I hadn’t slept, I hadn’t rested, I’d barely washed. The thought of a hot shower was just about the most alluring thing I could think of right about now.

So I wiggled out of my trousers, rid myself of the last remainders of my clothes and stepped inside the shower without further ado. The water came with a rush of warmth and comfort. I simply stood for a moment, savouring the sensation across my aching body and closed my eyes. With another shaky breath, slowly but surely, the tension left my body and with it, my strength. I had to brace myself against the wall so I wouldn’t fall over and the water on my face wasn’t just from the shower, it was tears too. Tears of sorrow and tears of relief but most importantly: tears of exhaustion. I had been fighting for so long, pushing myself on and on, that I had forgotten what it was like to stop, to take a breath and to rest. I couldn’t believe I had finally reached a destination. It wasn’t my final one, of course, that was a very long way away it seemed, but it was time to stop running. I had arrived somewhere.

And so I stood in the shower, crying until I ran out of tears, washing away the physical reminders of my journey and filing away the psychological ones. I was about to have a fresh start. If only it wasn’t for the impending sense of doom I felt when the memory of my terminal illness stuck. I turned the shower off abruptly to interrupt my train of thought. That was not something I wanted to think about so I urged my body out of the comfortable warmth of the shower, jumping back to action that prevented myself from overthinking. I was exceptionally well-accustomed to running away from my problems.

I gathered myself into a towel that was far softer than anything I had experienced in years and returned to the main room to get dressed. The clothes provided for me turned out to be a grey tunic not unlike what I used to wear during my medical training. The familiarity was oddly comforting. I felt a lot better for having had a shower and wearing a fresh set of clothes. I went to gather my old one and as I did, something slid from the back pocket of my trousers. I rushed to bend down as it was my one remaining, prized possession: the family picture I had carried with me since leaving Nixyce VII. It was quite remarkable that I had managed to hang on to it. I had lost almost everything I had taken with me during the explosion of the isotope carrier but the photo had remained in my pocket and my rescuers had taken care to return what little they found me with.

As I picked up the photo and ran my fingers along the edges, seeking to smooth them out, my heart grew heavy. I would never get to see my family again. While my parents had passed away, Tula would still be there on Kaldor in all likelihood and she would never know what became of me. It wasn’t like I had a choice. Wanted as I was, I couldn’t return home and I doubted I would survive the journey if I tried. My life was pretty much over, so there was no point in dwelling on missed chances now. If I wanted to see any more of the universe, do something else with what little remained, the Ides Institute mission was my best and only option. I did, however, wish there would be some way to leave a message for Tula… I filed the thought away as I placed the picture in the inside pocket of my tunic.

The knock on the door came sooner than expected and pulled me out of a doze. I must have fallen asleep for a time and scrambled to an upright position on the bed. The prospect of sleeping in a real bed had been all too tempting.

“Come in,” I called and stood unsteadily. The response was prompt: the young scientist that had interviewed me gave me a once-over and an approving smile upon his return.

“Shall we?” He gestured for me to follow and I did. After everything that had happened to me, the calm, civilised manner of the Institute’s staff was almost as disorienting as suddenly having to stop running. I could tell it would take some getting used to. I caught myself checking my surroundings with almost paranoid watchfulness, with my body tense and ready to launch into a run at any moment but, as it turned out, there was no need.

We arrived in a mess hall without incident and I became keenly aware of my hunger as my stomach rumbled at the smell in the air. It took all my willpower not to skip out on the introductions and pick up a tray straight away but, dutifully, I followed the staffer to a table at the centre of the hall where three people were eating, engaged in conversation.

“Med-tech Chenka, let me introduce you to the rest of the team,” the scientist smiled and the other volunteers looked up as we came to a halt. I put on my best smile, aware that if this was to work out, I would end up spending what was likely the rest of my life with these people. I wanted to get off on the right foot and assessed them one by one as my guide pointed them out. “Dal Brock, who will hopefully become captain of your vessel.” A broad man with ginger hair and a welcoming smile stood and offered me his hand which I gladly took.

“A med-tech. Probably a good idea for when we come out of that stasis,” he observed with a satisfied nod.

“Science-tech Vi Kruger,” the staffer went on to point out a blonde woman with sharp features and an even harder expression as she barely managed a slim smile of greeting. I mirrored the gesture more warmly and with a nod but she already returned her attention to her meal.

“Bron Kell, comms-tech!” The last volunteer jumped to his feet before the scientist got a chance to finish off his introductions. He was a young man with wide, curious eyes and no small measure of enthusiasm, evident in the way he eagerly grabbed my hand. “Do sit down, I’d be happy to grab you a meal.”

“Alright, ehh… yeah.” I was slightly overwhelmed by his offer but saw no reason to refuse, particularly when Dal gestured to the chair across from him. I took a seat to which the scientist took his leave and I realised I stood a chance of finally getting some answers. My fellow volunteers would surely be more helpful than the facility staff. “So… Captain Broke…” I started, though not sure how to actually strike up the conversation.

“Please, call me Dal,” Dal interrupted me immediately. “Do you have a first name, Med-tech Chenka?” He asked with a good-natured smile and took a sip of his drink.

“Liv,” I answered, feeling my nerves slowly fading away. “My name is Liv.”

I got the sense things might be okay, particularly when Bron returned with much needed food.

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