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jodilin65 · 28 years

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WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1996 We screwed yesterday and I didn’t have to beg. I only asked once. Do I think he’d have initiated it if I didn’t? No. He prefers to wait until the weekends, but that’s OK.

I’m gonna be giving him his first sign language lesson tonight. I’m gonna teach the way teachers do and the way I’ve taught before. I’ll start with the alphabet, then I’ll do the chapters containing the most common and useful words.

I spoke to my mom yesterday, but not Dad. He was asleep. They both have colds.

Mom started to ask if I looked for something, but then she changed the subject and told me to never mind. I have no clue as to what that could’ve been all about. If she were talking about a package she’s sent, she wouldn’t keep it such a secret.

I’m tired today due to going to sleep late and getting up early. Usually, I wake up when I get going, but nowadays, if I’m tired to begin with, then that’s how I stay all day and night.

The cable company added about 40 new channels and I hope soon enough that we can get some kind of TV guide that lists all these new channels. There’s one channel I like so far cuz it has Twin Peaks. There’s also one with The Bionic Woman.

Tom and I got to the end of the Myst game yesterday. Boring! I also completed all 50 levels of Balistic yesterday, too.

I think I really remembered what Robin really said to me in the cabin before she took me to her cabin. First I thought she said she’d kiss or tickle me, but I think she took my hand and teasingly said to go to sleep and that she wouldn’t stop kissing me till I fell asleep or if I didn’t go to sleep she’d keep kissing me. Or was it tickling me? I don’t know.

Guess I’ll go read the last of my library books now. I just started it, but I know I’ll finish it by 3/16 when it’s due.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1996 Yesterday, sure enough, that teenager showed up to play ball. When I spoke to him, I told him I could deal with it twice a week for a half-hour and so far he’s kept his end of the deal.

I was a bit bummed out last night and today about Tom’s “good news” about this sick leave he discovered he has. How dare he keep playing with my head?! He said he has worried he couldn’t get time off for this new baby we’ll never have. What else has he been worrying about that he hasn’t told me pertaining to a kid? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter.

We’ve got lots of new channels today. More reason for Tom to be glued to the TV than doing whatever with me. I’ve already got to wait till Saturday to get laid. Maybe if I beg for it I’ll get it, but I’d really rather not beg.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1996 I’m watching Charlie’s Angels now.

It’s very cool and windy out now. I’m amazed it hasn’t knocked out the cable.

I mopped the kitchen floor and made Tom Hamburger Helper for his dinner when he comes home.

I quickly spoke to my mom. She and Dad have colds.

It rained last night, but I don’t know for how long. I awoke at 10:30, but only to pee and smoke a cigarette. It also rained a little while ago very briefly, but the good news about it is that it doesn’t look like the roof over the back room leaked.

I hope no one will play ball next door today like they didn’t yesterday. It was obviously due to the cool damp weather we’ve been having. I wish it were summer. It’s so quiet in the summer, but by then, someone will surely be next door.

I wish I could run into that kid so I could ask him what the hell he meant when he told me about the black lady and her 13-month-old son. Maybe such a lady did exist and just told him that for the hell of it. Or, maybe she really was gonna move in but changed her mind.

Yesterday I read 170 pages in my library book. Definitely the most I’ve ever read in one day.

Later…

Tom just got in early cuz he went to bed early. He says there’s a possibility of snow here tonight. There fucking better not be!

I was wrong last Saturday when I said there’d certainly be no sex cuz of our little squabble the night before. He initiated a good screw. Yesterday he went down on me and I sure hope I don’t have to wait till next Saturday for sex.

He got solutions to the game Myst from AOL yesterday, but most of it is impossible to understand.

As I said, the weekend was fun, happy and productive. There was only one dumb thing he did.

He called me to the kitchen table saying he had good news to tell me. Then he picked up an employee handbook from work and showed me how he had accumulated sick days he didn’t even know he had. He said his point was that he could use those days after the baby was born and that he had been worried that he wouldn’t have time. Oh, brother! Time for what? To talk about it? To tease and pretend it’ll happen?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1996 How many kids will I have to chase away from next door’s basketball hoop today? Yesterday, shortly after 6:00, I was about to go chase them off, but they left as quickly as they had come, luckily. I wish I knew someone who’d destroy that fucking thing! It’s too fucking close to this house! They may as well be bouncing the damn ball off the walls of the house here.

I got a message from Tammy yesterday who said that if I just ease up and let things happen naturally, all will work out. Including having a baby.

It’s almost like she and Tom spoke about this. Her choice of words is just like Tom’s when she said to “let things happen naturally.” And also, how does she know I have a hard time easing up? What makes her so confident as to what the problem is? How and why is she so confident that in time it’ll work out and that he’s telling the truth? She says exactly what Tom and Kim said about it.

We stopped over at his parent’s yesterday and Mary and Dave were there, too.

Time to go start this week’s round of letters to my parents, Kim and Bob.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1996 Tom wouldn’t have offered to screw me yesterday on his own, but he agreed to when I asked him. I then changed my mind, though, and had him eat me out cuz I had wanted to go to bed.

After eating me out, though, we got into another one of our losing, depressing, angering, frustrating, and confusing conversations. If I’ve said this before, I’ve never said it now with such intense certainty. I could never have a child with this guy, even if it were possible. He’s just too contradicting, too full of shit and that kid would really kill our marriage.

When I told him yesterday that I feel controlled and that everything has to be his way, he turned that all on me. I told him that I feel that he won’t give going to a doctor earlier a chance to see if it’d help my emotional state and that all he cares about are his feelings. To hell with if I have to spend another year or longer depressed. Then he said something about the fact that he may never be whole again and may go over the edge and never be able to have a family if we went earlier. Now how can anyone tell me he wants a kid and isn’t trying to punish me? His not cumming or going to a doctor isn’t just due to his fears of having a kid and due to loving to tease me about it. It’s to punish me.

Then he comes out and says his problem could be cuz the moon is round after I asked him if he thought the reasons for his not cumming could be what I think they are. This isn’t what he’s always told me. He’s firmly sworn it wasn’t cuz of what I said it was.

Then he said another cold statement to cover the truth. He said he’s worried about having a kid with me for doubting him so much that I’d want to see a doctor earlier. What a mean spiteful thing to say cuz he feels being pushed into being the father he doesn’t want to be that he lies about and says he does want to be.

What am I supposed to think after two and a half years? What woman wouldn’t doubt him if she were in my shoes?

Then he said that if I could go 6 months on a day schedule, cuz it’s something I say I can’t do, so that should motivate me, and we’ll see a doctor in September.

What about motivating himself? Also, how sweet of him to say we’ll go if I do something we know I can’t do cuz that’s how much he doesn’t want to go.

Nonetheless, I’ve come to fully realize that this man wouldn’t be any better of a father than I’d be as a mother. I told him the appointment is off and that he either must sacrifice an orgasm with his wife forever, or rubber it up if he wants to cum. I’m telling you, though, where I used to be getting fed up by the month, I’m getting fed up by the day!

Know what his bullshit answer to losing the bet will be? Cuz we fought so much. Or something else going on in life or something I did.

I swear I’m getting ready to have Andy see if he can find a fairly decent enough-looking woman for me on the side, although, I know that’s impossible. And I’m really, really ready for us to have our own rooms again.

Tom also had said something about fear of going to the doctor cuz he fears how my emotional state would be due to something about my calling him a liar or finding out something was wrong.

See? He does know why he is the way he is, and he obviously fears I’d kick his ass. Yeah, I probably would punch him out first and ask questions later if he admitted to bullshitting me all along, but who wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t then want to know how and why he could do such a thing?

I’ll just live the rest of my life wanting a kid cuz I have no choice, but I won’t live the rest of my life playing games with him.

He also tells me he can’t talk to me about his problems which is pure BS and simply a way of lashing out at me for knowing and saying that he’s full of shit.

Tammy said to keep the communication going and this is what we’ve agreed to do from the get-go, yet as he admits, this only frustrates him. Then to punish me further, he won’t cum and blames it on me for bringing it up. I’m sorry I can’t hold in or mask my emotions, but who else am I supposed to talk to? The only things I can bring up regularly are things he wants. If he wanted a kid, then I could bring it up with no problems all I wanted.

He tells me he feels pressured. Why else would he feel pressured if he really wanted a kid? The reason why he feels pressured is cuz he does not want to be a father.

As far as I know, no one’s returned next door since they left yesterday at 11 AM. Tom said that was probably a city worker who took her kid to work with her. He says it’s become a big thing for people to take their kids to work if they can’t find or afford some other place for them. He says there are always kids where he works. There’s another reason why he doesn’t want a kid, I’ll bet. He deals with them enough already at work.

Then why would the kid say someone was moving in? Was it just in the hopes that I’d say, “Well, OK then. If the new neighbor said you could use the basketball hoop, then use it.”

Did the woman and her kid get delayed till tomorrow then? Or did someone drive her here? Does she not have a car but is really in there and this is why it just looks empty?

Whenever Tom gets up, he’s gonna go get some groceries.

At some point, we’ll be going to the library, then possibly over to his parents’ today or tomorrow.

There’ll certainly be no sex today to punish me for last night, but that’s just fine with me.

God, though! If I weren’t going through this shit with him, I wouldn’t have so much to write and would probably be 20-30 journals behind. Then again, I don’t think so cuz then there’d just be some other shit. Some other shit would be going on for me to deal with. I kind of wish there was something else for a change instead of wanting this kid I’ll never be allowed to have.

Later…

So far today, there’s been no one next door, so who knows what the scoop is?

We went to the library and he got 2 electronic books while I got 3 mystery/haunting-type books. So far there’s one I just can’t get into.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1996 Before I get into my terrible news, let me just say that Tammy’s opinion hasn’t convinced me that Tom isn’t deliberately holding back. He still hasn’t touched me cuz I’m not safe, even though I am. I knew he wouldn’t touch me all week as I said before. See? I know him. So, if I wasn’t wrong about things like this, why should I be wrong about the kid thing?

Tom asked me earlier if I was gonna be up when he got home. A typical question when he’s suggesting sex for later. He’s teasing me, though. I know him better. He’s done that before, but especially when I’m mid-cycle and I know he knows I’m mid-cycle.

OK, here’s my horrible news. I’ll give you a hint - screaming, barking, basketball games and wild company. Yup, the house next door has been sold.

A basketball game started yesterday afternoon, so I went out to chase the guy away. It was a teenager and I’m not sure if it was the same one as before. I told him that that house wasn’t vacant with the hopes that he’d tell his pals and stay the fuck away. Then he said he knew the house wasn’t vacant and that last night he met the black lady and her 13-month-old son that was to be moving in today and she said he could play there.

Shit! However, there’s no for-sale sign. I wondered if it was now a HUD house since a HUD truck has been there. Tom said that due to the city owning the house for a while, they’d want someone in there who could pay full price and that they can’t sell it without a for-sale sign. Then what the hell was this kid talking about and how did he come to meet this supposed woman? He must live nearby or was playing when she came by, but Tom never mentioned seeing or hearing anything.

My feeling is that somehow, with or without a for-sale sign, someone’s moving in today. I better get my “quiet down” letter written. No, this time I’m going over there as soon as things get chaotic.

This really, really sucks, though, and I know she’ll have a dog cuz God wouldn’t allow otherwise. They’re gonna have their fucking living room window open so I can hear the kid screaming up a storm while in the music room and the backyard. People are gonna come over to see the house and a single person, if she really is gonna be the only adult there, is gonna have tons of company. Mothers today are so wild and I can see blasting rap music and lots of ball games since blacks love basketball. She’ll probably have brothers and nephews over playing basketball.

The good thing about a 13-month-old is that it’s not gonna be in school and taking home its buddies, but that won’t eliminate all the goddamn screaming.

Wait till she tries to sleep at night and gets barked awake by those two dogs right by her bedroom window. Not that it’ll matter with her kid and her own dog, I’d think.

I’d love to say she’ll hardly ever have company and will be working all day and have the kid in daycare and will have no dog, but dream on!! God could and would never bless me with that and with barely knowing that they exist.

Now it’s time for Robin’s true test. Remember how I said she said I had nothing to worry about? Well, we’ll see now if she’s full of shit or if it’s some other entity that’s posing as her, cuz I still can’t deny or say that Robin was just my imagination, even though I wish I could.

If just one adult is moving in there paying full price, they better have a damn good job to be able to support herself, her kid and her house. That house was going for $600 and something a month if it hasn’t gone down.

This really sucks and I’d better enjoy my last few hours of peace. With that house having been empty since last September, boy am I in for some very serious and heavy-duty compensation! Big time!

My pigeons will probably only hang out on our electrical wires and not theirs. They’re probably gonna be scared off for a while from sitting on wires above their house or even coming into our yard due to the dog that’s about to be over there.

This really sucks! This really fucking sucks shit big time!

Later…

They’re here. I heard them pull in in two big city trucks. I really think it’s a welfare mom, cuz they help them move. I am sooooooo fucking pissed!

I heard the kid and I thought I heard their dog, but not too much yet cuz it’s probably held up in one of those trucks. I wonder why two trucks, though? Isn’t one enough? Amazingly, though, they’re coming in very quietly compared to the way the M’s blew on in here. In time, things will likely change. At least I should be able to sleep and hopefully there’ll be no trailer filled with people living in their front yard by our bedroom.

I wonder where her car is. Out on the street out of view? I wonder why the dog’s not out back yet, too? If this lady doesn’t have a dog, God forbid, then she’ll be running out to get one since she probably came from an apartment.

I feel like I’m in an apartment all over again!

Later…

I heard Mommy yell out something to some black guy. She sounds mean, too.

I wonder why HUD would let her have a 3-bedroom house with only one kid. She’s probably pregnant.

A good 95% or more of this whole moving-in process, though, they’ve been unusually quiet.

If it’s OK with Tom, I may move this little table out of the music room and back in the bedroom where the vanity is and put the vanity in here.

I heard her again. She kind of sounds like Tracy K.

Anyway, I’m sure Tom wouldn’t mind me swapping the table and vanity since he can sleep through anything.

I saw a white van and I guess it’s hers. Why does God always sic vans on me, too. They’re so loud and obnoxious, but maybe she won’t sit there with the engine idling for an hour every week, either. It looks like a piece of shit like the red one the M’s had. Something I can see a welfare mom drive.

I have nothing against blacks, but I sure hope she’s not in a gang of some kind. Do I have anything against welfare moms? Yes and no. I understand that some of us can’t help being poor, but it’s those that don’t help themselves when and if they can that I dislike. I also dislike those very much who have kids when they shouldn’t.

Later…

Well, the city trucks and white van have left and right now it appears no one’s been there for about an hour and a half. That’s odd. I mean, where did they go? I hope this is a sign that they’ll hardly ever be home, but I know I’m dreaming. I can’t believe there’s no dog over there yet. They could all be over where they’re moving from and picking up another load.

I can almost guarantee what Tom will do when he gets home. If he does not do anything physical or sexual to me at all, he may do something else that wouldn’t surprise me. Something he’s done and would do at any time, but especially with me being mid-cycle. He’ll start feeling me out and rubbing himself against me as if he’s about to initiate sex. Then he’ll say, “How about some fun tomorrow? Or, “I can’t wait till tomorrow when I’m more awake so we can have fun.”

Last time I got my period was between 2-4 AM and he knows that by late this afternoon or early this evening, I’ll be just over 24 hours over mid-cycle.

Well, I’ve done enough writing for now, so I’ll either write later or tomorrow.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1996 He fixed the capping macro so that I can now cap after question marks and exclamation marks, besides just periods. Now, all I have to cap are I’s, names and first letters of words beginning paragraphs and that’s fine with me.

As you can see, though, I began typing with all small letters after having typed with all caps in journal 107 and guess what it did? It left the first letters of words beginning sentences capped, but it made all small letters for the rest of all those first words. Oh well. It’s only part of 1 journal and my typed journals really serve me no purpose other than as backups and for searching for stuff. I can’t run a search mode through a written copy of a journal when looking for certain subjects. I will no longer type any more journals or letters in all caps.

I love it, though, and wish I had this capping thing a long time ago. I wonder if this is part of Tom’s New Year’s resolution. To do the things he promised me long ago. He promised to fix this thing so long ago that I forgot all about it and just totally gave up on it. Will he ever fulfill his promise of a kid, though? No! Of course not!

Tom is full of it, though, when he says we could find a way to afford a kid since you have several months to prepare for it. No way! I may not be a money expert, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that we could never afford a kid. Probably not for quite some time, either.

I still can’t believe that I haven’t heard those dogs. They should’ve gotten their letter from the humane society today, too. I had a bad thought, though. If they got rid of those dogs, they may move their kids and the ones they do daycare for out back. No thanks. Still, I think most kids out here live in their front yards.

As we all know, I’ve mentioned having one weird issue after another to deal with. Or some issue that bugs me for the longest time, anyway. It was wanting the woman I could never have and now it’s wanting the kid I can never have. I asked myself, if God broke down or made a mistake and let me get pregnant, what would be the new issue replacing this one, besides any others I’ve already still got to deal with? What would he then go and do to me or Tom or the kid? I can’t really think of anything he could do and maybe God can’t either, so maybe this is why this shit has been so never-ending. God probably feels he can’t end it by having Tom tell me the truth cuz there’s nothing to replace it with. God’s always gotta do something and he’s gotta have me stuck in some major issue that I just can’t seem to deal with or fix.

Got a letter from Kim today and two from Bob.

Later…

I just got done watching some TV and in a little while, I’m gonna do Tom a favor he asked of me. He wants some ideas for his Crazy 8’s computer game as far as a heading goes. I’m going to draw cards and write the letters of the game on each card. I’ll do different colors for the cards and letters. There’ll be 6 cards. One for each of the letters in the word Crazy, then the one for the 8’s.

Meanwhile, I’ll return to write more later.

Later…

In 20 minutes, I’ll go get Tom up if he isn’t up already.

I’m taking a break from ballistics right now at level 18. Hope I beat level 39.

In my caps test paper, I did go ahead with my little suggestion for his poor little problem. Sure, I know it’s useless, but if he can give bogus suggestions, it’s only fair that I can, too. A while back we were discussing how therapists condition their patients. They could condition Tom to cum like he conditioned himself to beat the alarm. He said, though, that he doesn’t want to do anything that will take the fun out of sex. Of course, the real reason is simple. He doesn’t want a kid. I said, though, that maybe he’ll have to do something that’s a bitch to get what he says he wants, and then turn it into fun. He adapts better than anyone else I ever knew in my life.

Yesterday I came across something in my library book. A guy was with a hooker and it said he held back for hours to achieve a bigger climax. I asked Tom what he thought of it. Grinning and chuckling, he said that that’s just how they talk in books.

Right!

The dogs have barked this morning, that’s for sure. They just don’t give a damn about those dogs or anyone else around them.

Later…

I absolutely don’t believe it, but then again I do, even though it doesn’t bother me. I’ve never before heard the kids two houses down where those dogs are, but I could today and it sort of reminded me of when the M’s were next door. At least it’s not ear-piercing loud. If it were or if it got more common, then I’d be pissed, but I’m sure I’ve got nothing to worry about. How can they be outside, though, with the dogs? Well, these yards are of a good size so they’re probably tied up in a corner of the yard away from the kids. No, they’re not outside. Otherwise, it’d be louder. They’ve got their windows open. It’s a bit damp out, but still a good day to have windows open. Especially if you’ve got a lot of little kids around you.

What I was pissed about earlier is over the same old shit. This guy has made no effort to try to have a kid or to try to up the amount of sex we have.

Afterward, we took a shower together and when I asked him why he loved me he said, “Love can’t be explained. Love just is.” So, that’s what inspired me to write the song I just wrote.

He also told me how to recap my all-capped parts of this journal that had some small letters. Oh, how I wish I had this thing a long time ago. I love it! He says he can find a way to cap I’s and the beginnings of paragraphs too.

After Tom left, I was still upset and I finally broke down and just had to talk to someone else about this sexual shit with Tom. I called Tammy and I said, “This is so embarrassing and I’m afraid you might laugh,” but I told her anyway. She shocked the shit out of me. I thought she was gonna confirm my fears and say that the guy really doesn’t want a kid, but she said there’s nothing to laugh at, I’m not alone and she’s had the same problem. She firmly believes that Tom’s telling the truth and that in time, it will work out. She also said that yes, it could be physical, even though Tom and I know that’s not it cuz he’s cum before. She said a man can still be able to get hard, but still be impotent and not able to get off.

Really? I didn’t know that.

She’s had problems where she couldn’t cum, so since she gave me her advice and opinion of my case, I gave her advice. I suggested she do what we do and have Bill lie on his side and have her on her back facing him with her legs over his side so that she can stimulate herself. If Tom just screwed me without my stimulating myself, there’d be no way I could get off. Probably not even if I was horny as all hell.

I got up to level 40 of Balistic, so I hope I get higher the next time. In a way, I’m glad I haven’t hit level 50 yet as it gives me something to look forward to little by little. I’ll still always enjoy and love the game though. It’s definitely my favorite computer game. There are other games I haven’t played in a while or even checked out yet, so I think I’ll do that sometime soon.

Later…

My pigeons are out there cooing away. It’s a bit breezy out, but not too bad. It’s not as warm as it was there for a while.

No mail for me today. I’m sure I’ll get those books I ordered, but will I get that CD? I doubt it.

What did Evie mean when she said she liked writing letters and was gonna surprise me with a letter? Will she ever surprise me with a letter someday? I hope so. That’d be nice.

No, I won’t dare tell Tom about my conversation with Tammy. I’m sure he’d rather me talk to her than to some stranger of a nurse, but he’d still be pretty upset over it.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1996 Soon I want to see if I can beat my 39-level record by playing that ballistics game.

At the moment I don’t really have anything important to do, so I left Andy a message to call me if he wants to chat. Maybe he can come over one of these nights after work to get his birthday toaster present.

I don’t know if I mentioned yet that Tom printed out two pictures of Gloria that he found on AOL as a little Valentine’s present for me.

Tom returns to work today at 4:30. Now watch. I know him. He won’t touch me throughout the whole week after having a vacation and especially not on the 23rd when I’m mid-cycle. I told you he’d never change and has one excuse after another. All he did was look me straight in the eye and say “yes” when I asked for a kid. One big fat complete lie. He lies about it as if he were lying about a pencil he stole. Like it’s no big deal. Just another casual white lie.

I last left off about the junior high schools I attended, so I’ll take it from there. I only attended Longmeadow high school throughout parts of my freshman year.

You see, my mother began her threats of sending me to funny farms a couple of years before she finally did it. She claims that she and Dad were frightened, helpless and powerless to change the situation. I can see how they feel that way, but I’ve always found it to be a petty excuse. I know I was responsible for my own actions, but at the same time, if they hadn’t always been so negative and so preoccupied with their TV or other stuff, maybe I wouldn’t have cut my arm and tried to kill myself or been such a rebellious troublemaker.

During the beginning of my freshman year, I was tutored by a woman at the Willie Ross School for the Deaf. She was a cool lady.

Then, I went to the high school where I did the rest of my freshman year.

On July 27th of 1981 when I was 15, they sent me to the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. They admit now that this was a bad move, but they haven’t ever admitted other bad moves such as Valleyhead and a certain foster home I was in and the state funny farm in Northampton. I was in Vermont till December 17th or 19th, so about 5 months. It was pure hell, but little did I know that Valleyhead and Northampton would be much worse. This was just the beginning of my 3-year voyage between 5 miserable places. At least in Vermont, you had your own room and there were more privileges and the restrictions weren’t as harsh. The food was better there, too, and you could have money enough to support your cigarette habit if you had one. For the most part, though, this place, as well as Valleyhead, treated the kids there as if they were criminals. Like with Valleyhead, there weren’t enough supportive people who wanted to truly help you and boost your self-esteem, etc.

The nicer staff weren’t the ones with the power. Those with the power often brushed us off as if we deserved whatever we got in life and made us feel worse in general and worse about ourselves. There were several staff members on power-play, and it didn’t take much, if they didn’t like you, for them to make your life miserable and to put you on restriction for the dumbest things.

After Vermont, I returned home and right away, my parents just had to get rid of me again and suggested a private school in Northampton. I refused. I begged to stay home. I felt like any other kid would feel - rejected, unwanted and uncared for. My parents, especially my mother, couldn’t be bothered with my hyper personality, my energy, my talkativeness, my need for conversation and communication, or my dreams. Most everything I did was silly or not good enough. Most everything was my fault.

I was only home a few months after Vermont and soon attended an alternative high school in Springfield. This school was pretty cool. They weren’t so hard on you and there were only a few teachers and students.

In April of 1982, I became a ward of the state. I was taken first to a crisis center where I stayed for 3-4 days. Then I was placed in a place called LaRagione’s for about two months. This was a rooming house for adults with emotional problems and there were about 7 3-story houses where everyone lived. They came to the main house for meals which was also where I lived. This was in Springfield.

My foster parents were Anna and Harry B and they were pretty cool. They had a house in West Springfield and they wanted to remain my foster parents till I was 18, but the state got in the way of that.

The same woman, who tutored me at the Willie Ross, tutored me while I was there.

Around June of that year, I was in the state hospital for a week or two. It’s a wonder I came out of that place alive. I know that they’ve changed a lot of laws since then, thank God. There were 4 people in a cubicle and there was absolutely no privacy at all. Not while you shit, not while you showered, not while you slept, etc.

From there I went to a foster home that was a nightmare. It was in Springfield too, two blocks from Anna and Harry’s. I lived on the first floor with a woman named Dorothy H and her vicious friend Valerie. I was alone there, till another 16-year-old girl named Shelly came there. She was a toughie and she protected me from Valerie and Dotty’s cruel ways and their teasing me. Shelly could take Dotty, but not Valerie. At first Shelly was intimidating to me, but we became friendly. Every morning she’d hide me out upstairs, out of the way of Dotty and Valerie’s wrath.

This is where I was in the worst of my anorexia. I couldn’t eat if I wanted to cuz of all I’d gone through, but I also wasn’t fed too much as it was. I was lucky if I could find a loaf of bread in the kitchen of that house. I was 85 pounds and my periods stopped till I was almost 19. Due to this, plus serious tranquilizers I was on, I ended up at 148 pounds when I was 18 and it took me till I was 19 to start my descent to 100 pounds which took a year.

Later…

I just talked to Andy and Quinn and then I went to finish some soup I made yesterday. Quinn said that my telling him I weighed 96 pounds made him hungry.

I felt kind of warm and when I took my temperature it said I was 99. I had somewhat of a feeling that I may be ovulating and, of course, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Meaning, I can’t go to my husband and tell him of this possibility and have him eagerly fuck me and cum.

He told me earlier that he doesn’t know that he’s positive his “problem” is subconscious but says it may be. He says he doesn’t know what the problem is or else he’d fix it. He also said, though, that the day will never come when he tells me he never really did want a kid. If he doesn’t know whether his problem is subconscious or not and if he doesn’t know what the problem is, then how can he be so sure that what I’m telling him his problem is, is the case? I’m sure he knows damn well what his 3 fears are. He doesn’t want a kid. He doesn’t think I’ll be a good mother and he loves to tease me about issues of sex and a kid.

He doesn’t want me to talk about it, yet he says he and I can bring up suggestions that may help him. Why should I bother? I know better. The only thing of it right now that really pisses me off is how he lied and said he’s gonna win the bet during a moment where I was upset just to cheer me up, even though he denies this. How can he lie to me about a kid as if it was a little white lie that could never hurt me? How can he go about it in such a swift, casual, and easy way?

I just wish to hell I knew when this was gonna end and how. Is it gonna be by him playing this game forever and forever refusing to cum as has been the case? Or is it gonna be by him telling me what’s really on his mind? I don’t see how there could be any other way for this to play out. It’s either lie forever or tell the truth.

I’m terrified every month at the thought of PMS when my feelings are intensified. I can talk to him about anything but this. If I do, he either gets upset or lies and says we’ll have a kid to cheer me up at the moment.

Earlier he also said, “I don’t want you to work just for the sake of working. I want you to work if you want to. I want you to be happy and do what you want to do.”

Well, I can’t do what I want to cuz he won’t allow it. Therefore, I’ll take second best, cuz if I don’t, I’ll just be sitting around forever, and we could use the extra money, and second best is better than third best or lower.

He also told me of an idea he had earlier tonight. He wants to teach me graphics 3 times a week and he wants me to teach him signing 3 times a week. I’ve always wanted him to learn sign language and I think he’s serious this time. Especially since it’s stuff he wants and it sure beats having a kid, as far as he’s concerned. Hell, I think he’d rather me get in trouble all over again than be pregnant.

Amazingly enough, I haven’t heard the dogs bark last night or tonight, but they sure barked up a storm yesterday morning. I’m doing one more thing, that I know is worthless, but that’s OK. I sent a letter to them from the Arizona Humane Society’s complaint dept.

I also sent Anna & Harry a letter just to let them know how my life is and that I’m sorry for the calls I made to them in the late 80s. I told them I still love them and think of them and am grateful for how well they treated me when I was 16 and living with them.

Later…

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t heard those dogs bark at all since I’ve been up, but that’s fine with me.

I’m getting bored more and more and I need a new project on top of my hobbies. I need to be working. If only we had a color scanner for my drawings and a laser jet printer for typing.

Andy’s gonna be moving into the house alone for the first 3-6 months. Then Michelle will move in when she gets more money.

I don’t know why Tom wants me to do this. He said he wants it just because and that he’s got no reason in particular. He asked if one of these days I’d write about one day in our lives, then about one week in our lives, minus any feelings or attitude. How totally boring.

Now my temperature’s 98.1. So, who knows if I really was ovulating or if I ever do?

Guess I’m gonna go and wind down now.

Later…

There’s some kind of city work truck next door. The same kind that’s been there before. I guess anytime now they’ll put a for-sale sign back out for all the large families with dogs to see.

Once again, I’m gonna go wind down with some coffee. I’ll also go set the VCR for Law & Order tonight to get that out of the way.

I just hope that whatever they’re doing next door doesn’t get noisy so I can sleep. I’m pretty sure it’ll be quiet, though, cuz they have been in the past.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1996 Another time period of Tom saying or heavily suggesting he’s gonna cum will be over in a day. I knew better, though. I haven’t been upset lately or feeling like a freak during sex, but I’m not PMSing either. Then, everything bothers me. I wish I could always be within a week after my period, cuz then knowing my husband won’t allow me a child is much easier to deal with. Next, he’ll say once again that he’s gonna win the bet and will cum by April 1st, then it’ll be by June, and on and on and on.

So far, my breaking my promises to him and giving him his own medicine of false hopes and not always the nicest things, is working well. I’m down to 96 lbs. Now I just have to get a job. He said we’d discuss that after his vacation, but there’s nothing to discuss. I already told him he could control me from having a child, but he sure as hell can’t control me from other things. I’m gonna show him what it’s really like to have things go the way you wish they wouldn’t and to expect things he won’t be getting.

Remember when I said he said something about just going with the flow if he tries new stuff in bed? What a laugh I had to myself a couple of days ago. While we were screwing with him on his side and me on my back, he put his hand on the top of his dick. I thought something was wrong and he said he was OK. Then, afterward, he reminded me of the new stuff and that he didn’t want me to be curious or ask questions about it, but to just go with the flow. What the hell kind of a new thing do you call that? What kind of a joke and game is he playing with me now? And why do I have to just go with the flow? Why do his reasons behind these strange “new tricks” have to be such a secret? Is he trying to convince me that he isn’t afraid to have a child and that he doesn’t fear I’ll be a bad mother and that he isn’t playing head games with me about it? Well, he hasn’t succeeded and no “trick” will succeed without the white stuff. I mean really, how ridiculous can he be?

Anyway, the only people that are gonna know about my letter to Robert Stack at Unsolved Mysteries will be Tom, Andy, Kim, Bob and Alex. Andy said I forgot to thank Robert Stack for narrating my life. Ha, ha!

My favorite computer game I’ve mentioned before is Balistic. In the past, I’d never beaten level 13, but tonight I got up to 39 levels. There are 50 in all.

Later…

I’m kind of bored right now, but that’s life.

I forgot to mention earlier that Tom doubts Unsolved Mysteries will air my case just like I doubt it. He said you never know, but it isn’t really entertaining enough. True. Especially when you compare it to someone being pulled from a burning car.

He also told me that yes, he does believe I’m psychic which surprised me a bit. I had thought he was rather skeptical.

Well, I’m gonna stay up long enough to take care of the load of laundry I’m doing, then I’ll be hitting the sack.

Thankfully enough, there were no basketball players throughout the weekend, but the dogs bark no less than usual. Mostly at night, though. Primetime for them to go off seems to be at 11:30 PM and 2:30 AM.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1996 I have the movie recording right now, so now I’ll write. Last night I finally decided to send a letter about my search for Robin to Unsolved Mysteries. Tom gladly helped me and gave me feedback as far as the letter goes that I wrote. I’ll enclose a copy of it here, but first, let me tell you what finally prompted me to do this. There was a case of a middle-aged lady who was in a car accident. Two men pulled her out of her burning car, but they took off before she could get their names and thank them. After 15 years, she finally asked Unsolved Mysteries for their help. If they can find two people from many years ago with no names to go on, I think they can find one person. At least I hope they can and that they will, but I doubt if they’ll bother with my case. I just don’t see any reason why they’d bother and it doesn’t seem meant to be and although they do a variety of different subjects and related subjects to mine, I think the little girl who gets stolen from her backyard is more important for them to air. If they aired it, though, it’d be just my luck that she wouldn’t be watching if she’s alive and also just my luck if someone that knew anything wouldn’t bother to call in any info if they were watching.

I called 800 info for their number and when I called Robert Stack came on with an initial greeting. Then some other guy came on giving the two choices. You hit #1 for new story ideas and #2 for info relating to a case. They said all story ideas must be typed and they must include your full name, number and address. They said it’d take about 12 weeks for them to get to it. I guess, from the way it sounded, they’ll send a letter, either way, saying they’re interested or to fuck off. So, mid-May should be when I’ll get my fuck off notice. It’s still a pretty fun joke of a game to play and it’s something someone can’t say I didn’t try. Not even I can say I didn’t try to put any effort into it after all Tom and I tried to no avail on our own.

Here’s a copy of that letter.

Dear Unsolved Mysteries,

First I would like to say that I have enjoyed your show for many years. The variety of the stories you cover is great.

My name is Jodi Lin. I’m writing to you with the hopes that you can help me find someone who made a difference, for the better, in my life. Unfortunately, I do not know this person’s name. She was a camp counselor at a camp I attended when I was 9 years old in 1974. The camp’s name was Camp Naomi in Raymond, Maine, but has been known as Camp Nashoba North since 1988.

I came from a troubled home and was a very troubled child. This is why I only attended this camp for about 2 weeks that summer, then I had to leave. While I was there, however, I met a camp counselor whose first name may have been Robin. She was very kind to me and very understanding of my situation. She really made me feel wanted and cared for and she really listened to things I had to say. I’ve tried for a long time to find this woman, but I haven’t been able to. The reason why I’d like to find her is that I just want to say “thank you.” I’m 30 years old now, but I never forgot her friendliness and kindness.

All I know about this woman is that she may have been a supervisor or a specialist of some kind. She had her own cabin and I stayed there with her and her medium-sized brown dog on my last night there. She was about 5’ 5” with shoulder-length brown hair, brown eyes and slender. At the time, she probably was between 17-21 years old.

When my father came to pick me up from this camp to bring me home to Massachusetts where I grew up, we were crying as we said goodbye to each other, and she gave me a Polaroid picture of her dog.

This is all I really remember about her, but if there’s anything at all you could do to help me find her and put us in contact, this would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1996 I’ve got 20 minutes to write and no, I haven’t forgotten about going through my life in more detail. I’ll get on with it soon enough.

I just thought I’d go through what we did yesterday. I got up around 11 AM, and then we left at 1:45 to go to play miniature golf. For the first time in my life, I was ahead of him, and then he kicked my ass in the end and won. It was fun, though.

Then we went to eat at Dairy Queen and then headed for Walmart. There, we got Andy’s toaster for his birthday present which I wrapped in paper with all kinds of funny lines and sayings on it. I also got birdseed and a birthday card for Andy.

Andy and Michelle are going to be moving into that house on March 1st.

Then we went to Staples where Tom got his mom a new mouse and paint to cover up the stuff he put on the roof to prevent leaks (we hope!). I got envelopes and 6 new pens. So far 3 of them seem to skip. There’s pink, purple, green, blue, red and black. Instead of highlighting each date, I’ll just do a different color every new day for a while.

Tom took his parents to the racetrack today, but I haven’t done too much today yet.

It’s been beautiful out, in the 80s and it made me feel really good to hear Tammy, Larry, Sandy and Jenny tell me how cold it was there with 5’ of snow and it was still coming down.

I’m pissed off cuz about a week ago, someone changed the security light next door, so now that thing blares on for ½ hour at a time while I’m trying to listen to music in the peaceful darkness.

No basketball players in the last couple of days, but I expect I’ll have to chase a few away here and there and hope that they, as well as their friends, get the message - fuck off!

Leave it to me for it to be just my luck to be next to the only house on the street with a goddamn basketball hoop.

I heard on the news that any high school kid who doesn’t pay child support can’t have extra activities in school. God, it’s getting so common! I think I’ve heard that 8 or 9 out of 10 women have their kids between the ages of 15 - 22. Shit!

Well, it’s TV time, but afterward, I’ve really got some far-out news to tell.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1996 Well, Andy’s birthday card is gonna be late getting to him. I totally forgot all about it cuz I’ve been busier. I left him a message asking him if I’m still sending it to the same place. He mentioned having filled out an application for a complex, only to end up getting fucked over by them. He said they couldn’t get the people out of what was to be their new apartment, then offered him another one, but they hated it. He mentioned already filling out a change of address card at the time, too.

Today he left a message saying they’ll be renting a house for $350 a month which is excellent. You could never find a deal like that back East. He says it’s a 700-square-foot, 1-bedroom. It’s a duplex, which I didn’t know they had here, with carports in the middle of them and there’s a single woman living next to them. I’m happy for them and I hope this works out.

Tomorrow we’ll be buying his birthday present. A toaster. We’ll also be stopping by other stores, going food shopping, and playing miniature golf.

I noticed on my list of notes that I mentioned getting two letters from Kim yesterday, but I don’t think there’s anything too important about those letters to mention.

Yesterday and today there were some hang-up calls, so who knows if it was Jenny or maybe even Nervous. I’m right by the phone now, so let me see if Nervous’s phone is hooked up again.

Nope. It now says it’s not in service. I don’t think Nervous would even bother at this time and I’m pretty sure Fran lost our number and doesn’t remember my married name, either.

Yesterday I organized my drawings, getting them prepared to try to sell. I’ve got 3 groups. Group 1 is people, group 2 is animals, and group 3 is flowers. I wrote a list of their file names in journal 54.

I may have accidentally said our bet was up on March 1st, but it’s really up on April 1st, even though I’m 200% sure I’ll win. Actually, I’m 1000% sure.

Yesterday Tom asked me to make some beads to hang on the light fixture of the second ceiling fan in the back room that we never use cuz of how the roof above it leaks. I did and asked if I could have a kid for it. He said yes.

Yeah, right!

Today was a good day, but before I get into it, let me tell you what happened yesterday morning at 10:00. Some high school kid started playing basketball next door and of course Tom was here. Finally, after an hour of it, I said fuck it cuz I live here too and politely told the kid my grandmother was sick and asked him to leave. He was cool about it and left. Tom didn’t seem the least bit upset by this and I couldn’t have really cared if he had been.

Then, today at 6:00 a younger kid was playing, and I asked the same thing and he was very nice about it too and took off.

How the fuck do they know it’s vacant next door? There’s no for-sale sign. Is this gonna be God’s latest thing? He just has to do something, huh? Well, it’s better than that house being sold, cuz then it’ll be an everyday thing, not to mention their barking dogs.

Anyway, we went to the IMAX Theater in Scottsdale (Snottsdale) and we saw a half-hour documentary on storm chasers. It was pretty cool, but they’re full of it when they say the screen’s over 6 stories tall. If that were so, each floor would have to be my height and maybe even a bit shorter. It’s not 120 feet wide, either, but about 75. It’s about 75 feet tall, too. Still, it was neat to see.

Then we went to the mall for a bite to eat, came home, and then went back out to the library where I got two books to read.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1996 Another day of the same old boring shit sexually. Earlier he told me there was plenty of time for him to win the bet. Now, what did that statement mean? I know better and that he has no intentions of winning and if he did, he'd cum by my hand only once to get me off the cigarettes for a day and so he could trash the back room.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1996 I feel so bad for those dogs two yards down. They whine every time it rains out and the owners really just don’t give a shit at all. Maybe I’ll call the Humane Society on behalf of them as I originally considered. How do they stand it? I mean, I know they’ve got kids and therefore it just blends in all together, but how do they sleep?

I hope Tom gets home soon from his errands cuz I only have half a cigarette left.

I did another load of laundry and had the clothes out for a few hours and right after I took them down it began to drizzle, so that was perfect timing.

I just did Larry and others an envelope I think they’re really gonna like. I did 3 plants sitting in pots on the front. On the back, I drew a silver rod and drew 5 hanging plants.

Speaking of envelopes, Tom said Nickolena sent Mom a Valentine and decorated the envelope. Tom says he’s sure the idea came from me, or else they’d have just done something on a separate piece of paper. Yesterday I did a Valentine’s banner for Tom with words and drawings on old adding machine paper.

A miracle happened yesterday. Tom finished the back room and I can now vacuum 99% of it. I just hope it’ll stay this way, but after 2½ years, I’m grateful.

I wonder how many more years it’ll take him to cum, although I know better than that. He’s still teasing as far as sex goes. He said he was gonna wake me up since I took care of myself yesterday cuz I couldn’t get him to. This is one area where I’m glad he’s full of it cuz I don’t like being woken up. It’s the lying I’m sick of. He said he wants to win the bet so he went all out to clean the back room so he doesn’t have to have that on his mind. Now, if you’ve got to have a room cleaned in order to cum, you’ve got a problem. Well, he may not have the room on his mind, but he’ll have the fear of a kid on his mind.

I haven’t heard any kids, so that’s good, cuz if you’re like most people, you don’t want to deal with it unless you know you’ve got to deal with your own kids.

Got a package from my parents. They sent a new cow wind socket. Cool. This one’s a bit longer and a bit different looking. They also sent a small wind socket and a bracket to put up a mini flag. They sent the following for mini flags. A Halloween flag, hearts, a pineapple and one with a slice of watermelon and a drink next to it. The last one is the one we put up. For big flags, they sent a pineapple, a cactus and coyote, and a fish. I put the cactus one up over the microwave and the fish are up in the back room.

They also sent a shade screen for the car.

I don’t know why they bother with sending so many pineapple ones. I hate those. They’re so boring. It’s amazing how little these people know their own daughter. Back on Oswego Street, they sent me these disgusting lemon, lime, and orange sugar-coated candies. Don’t they know I hate citrus flavors?

Any flags I don’t put up, I keep in the hall closet, cuz you never know what we or someone we know may do with them in the future.

When Tom was last over at his parent’s house, they sent back some cake for me, a swing, and a monkey bar. They’ve been put up out back, too, so the backyard is pretty much decorated really well and has all kinds of stuff out there.

Tom says he wants me to trim his hair again soon. Oh, God! Does he really think I can learn to do it right? Well, he says so. I trimmed my pussy hair and did it in a much better way. I shaved it, but as I got closer to my clit, I trimmed it. That way there’s less stubble and won’t scrape up more hair molecules.

This Wednesday we’re going to the IMAX Theater. A coworker of his won tickets and he gave them to Tom. The screen there is supposed to be 60 feet tall and 120 feet wide. That ought to be interesting.

Kim called last night. Now that she’s got over female problems (hopefully), she now has intestinal problems. Hopefully, she’ll be OK.

I left Tammy a message and hope to hear from her soon.

Other than that, there’s not much else going on. Tom wants me to draw the cactus/coyote flag. I’ll do it on another CD label of his and I’ll also be doing it on my parent’s envelope for their next letter.

Later…

Well, Tom just told me that at 8:00 when his show’s over, he wants me to “spoil” him. Yeah, I’ll spoil him with a wicked hard-on. It’ll be good timing, too, seeing that he’ll be up for over 12 hours. I wonder if he’ll try these new things he mentioned or if he’s just talking.

Later…

The good news is that I did a really good drawing.

The bad news is the same old shit and I’m finding myself thinking of leaving here and there. It’s just that I love this guy so much otherwise that I can’t imagine leaving. I’m just so sick of his lies pertaining to sex. It’s all bullshit. The waking me up, the new stuff, the bet, the kid, etc. He said he knew I didn’t believe him, but to just wait a week to see who’s right cuz he doesn’t want to blow his chances during the relaxing vacation he wants. He doesn’t want me to be quiet about it to up his chances of cumming. He wants me to be quiet cuz he just doesn’t want to hear it or deal with it. I can’t make him deal with it, either, cuz all he does is get upset and blame me and turn an attack on me. There’s no way I can demand we get help now cuz there’s no way he’ll budge, and he’ll just cry no opportunity.

Well, like that woman said, there’ll be no kid as long as I’m willing to set aside my wants in order to make him happy. The only way I can make him happy is for him to never cum, for us to never have a kid and for me to allow him to tease me with these issues.

I miss mutual sex and if it was up to me, I’d only have him go down on me since screwing is only for me. Screwing is something I enjoy, but it also makes me feel like a freak and I’ll sure as hell never get pregnant by it.

I could demand only oral sex, but then he’ll insist he doesn’t like the idea cuz then he can’t play with my head. I swear that sometimes I feel all he wants me here for is to clean the house, draw him pictures and be something to tease and bullshit! I’m so sick of people controlling me all my fucking life. I can’t stay at home, I can’t wear the clothes I want, I can’t be a singer and I’m certainly not allowed to have a child. Am I ever gonna be able to do something that I really want without someone or God trying to stop me? My own fucking husband insisted he’d cum long ago. That was a lie. He promised us a child. That was a lie. He’ll never allow me to have a child, no matter what. What did I do to him to piss him off this much to sacrifice an orgasm so as to never allow me a child? What did I do?!?!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 1996 My non-horny husband just laughed when I said I was horny and is glued to that damn TV. He’s waiting till the end of his day, as usual, so holding back is no problem.

Yesterday we screwed at the end of our day and after I came, he continued on for a short time. He said it felt really, really good going slow. Then why did he stop? Did it feel so good that he feared he would cum? Obviously. Then yesterday he goes and says he wants to win the bet. Then an hour later he said he didn’t know cuz he’d be afraid I’d whine and say how he was holding back and how he came at a safe time. He also said he was gonna try new stuff with me over the next few days, but I thought he didn’t like to plan.

I never heard of anyone who likes to tease someone sexually so much. I know guys teasing women about having kids is common. I’m sure of that as much as I’m sure of the statement that nurse made on how I’ll never have a child if I remain with him. That’s OK, though, at this point, believe me.

I’m just so sick of the TV, the computer and other stuff having to come before me unless I’m sick or in some kind of crisis.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1996 It’s too soon to really tell yet, but I’m pretty sure that as I figured, they’ve done nothing at all about their dogs two houses down.

I’m not in a good mood now, but it’s mainly cuz I’m tired. For the second night in a row, Tom woke me up. First it was his snoring and last night it was cuz he was talking in his sleep.

Now here’s my latest new experience and here’s what I’ve decided to do about it. When I got woke up at 2 AM, I noticed a small spot when I went to check for my period. Then I got curious and decided to see what would happen if I prayed to God. I said the same thing I’ve been saying. That I knew motherhood wasn’t right for me, that I wouldn’t run away from that fact or try to fight it, and begged for my period. Then I was suddenly engulfed in a feeling of such a warm love and I could feel that God was so very proud of me and there it was!

No, they don’t give a shit about the letter I sent. I can hear them barking like hell right now.

Anyway, this experience has reinforced the fact that I must follow my head and not my heart and do the right thing, no matter how many days I spend wishing I could have a kid. Now I’m determined like never before, even though I know I’ve got nothing to worry about and that God and Tom would never ever allow me to have a child.

I’m starting to wish more that we could just go back to having our own rooms. If you’re not attracted to someone enough to cum and if you’re that afraid of having a kid, you won’t cum whether or not you’re together, a room away from the person you’re with, or a whole house away. He’s just so full of shit when he said that having us sleep in the same room would make him cum and that wearing regular clothes would make being nude more special. It’s all bullshit and I’m sick of his lies and his head games. How dare he tell me he’s gonna win our bet just to cheer me up. He just doesn’t understand me and thinks this is such a joke and that he can hurt me like this. At least if we go back to our own rooms I can always sleep.

Well, guess what? Now it’s time for me to let him down with lies. The difference is that I know when he’s lying, but since I’m now just beginning to join in on his games and lies, he’s gonna be getting psyched up for nothing just like he had me do in the beginning.

He’s not attracted to me (he says he is and tries to pretend he is) and he has this thing where he thinks I’m too thin. Well, he better get his eyes checked cuz I have plenty of a belly and my thighs are quite meaty. I’d have to lose a good 15 pounds or so before I started really looking too thin. Anyway, I said I’d get up to 105 pounds which he likes me the best at, but I’m really gonna lose about 10 pounds. Lately, I’m between 98-100 pounds, but I’m gonna get between 90-95 and give him a taste of his own medicine. I know, though, that even though he likes how I looked better at 105 that he’s full of shit and would never cum no matter what I weighed.

No problem, though. Cuz I’m gonna make sure that from now on that I help God and Tom make sure Tom never ever cums. A kid isn’t for me, whether or not I want one. There’s no way I could handle it. I know God and Tom don’t need my help, but like I said, I’m not fighting or running away from what’s right and what’s got to be anymore. It’s my turn to join in on the games, the lies and the making sure he always holds back. I’m also gonna make it a point to walk around here stark naked more and more.

Lastly, in April of ‘97, there’ll be no appointment cuz I refuse to go to a joke of an appointment. He also doesn’t realize that he’s dropping more and more subtle hints as to the truth. We were talking about pregnancy and periods earlier and he was telling me that you feel different in the beginning. I then said I was curious to look it up and see what’s so different that you’re supposed to feel. He said maybe I shouldn’t do that cuz then I imagine things. Well, I wouldn’t for starters and also, if he’s gonna “make things happen” and if he wants a kid, then why would I have to imagine and why does he have to worry about my imagining things? Well, unfortunately, the lying asshole is on vacation after today and I wish I could say we’ll have a fun relaxing time but I know better. I’ve got to make sure that I stick to the things I said I’m gonna do. No more being the nice and honest one here. I’m gonna be just like him. I’ve also got to make sure I talk about it as little as I can cuz he just can’t handle it cuz baby talk just really turns him off.

Later…

The last few subjects I could think of that I have written down in my notes are friends, enemies and those I couldn’t be with that I wanted to be with. They’re all rather connected, so I guess I’ll begin going through my life little by little from as young as I can remember and from whatever events I can remember. There’s a lot that I can remember, but there’s also a lot that I can’t remember. No one can remember everything, though.

Well, let’s just start with the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be born in the first place. That’s why my mother took DES, since back then they didn’t know the problems it causes. A part of me believes that because I wasn’t supposed to be born and my mother fighting to have me is the reason why I’ve gone through so much misery. Another part of me believes that being blessed in so many ways is also why I’ve been cursed in so many ways.

The dogs still bark on and off as usual. Not only do they probably not care if they get shot, but they’re probably figuring, well, we can’t or won’t debark them and we sure as hell would never allow them in the house, so fuck it.

My puzzle book finally came. I was wondering if they either forgot me or were trying to rip me off.

Anyway, I lived at home until I was 15. It was a nightmare. The only things I didn’t go through were sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol or poverty. I went through 80% emotional abuse and 20% physical abuse.

My parents’ full names are Dureen June O and Arthur Irving O. My siblings are Larry Ross O and Tammy Sue G. My maternal grandparents are Shirley & Jack G and my paternal grandparents are Bella & Joseph O. After Joe died, Bella remarried a guy named Herman G. My ex-aunt is June W. Mary & Ronnie G, as well as Ruth & Marty O, are my two sets of aunts and uncles. Ronnie’s my ma’s brother and Marty’s my dad’s brother. Both are aggressive assholes, according to most people’s standards which includes my own. Ronnie’s kids are Lori & Lisa and Marty’s are Polly & Philip.

My mother was very negative and didn’t want any of us kids to be “better” than her. That’d take the attention away from her and make her jealous. She’d cut me down about anything and everything. Her parents lived next door to us in the first house we were in and my mother was just like her mother. Typical case of like mother like daughter, and this is why I know I shouldn’t have a kid. My parents weren’t stupid, though, and they also did do me some good. They’ve taught me valuable things whether they were big or small. They kept me well-fed and clothed. Going to them with a problem, was almost always a whole different story. She seemed to get off by my being upset and by her cutting me down. When I was sick, though, she took really good care of me.

My brother didn’t live at home too long during my childhood since we were 12 years apart, but I liked it when he was there cuz we got along the best.

My sister was a nightmare. She was and still is in most ways, a carbon copy of our mother. Bitchy, too serious and negative. She used to cut me down to nothing too, and boss me around like there was no tomorrow since she was 8 years older.

Later…

Why is God so mean to me and why does He hate me so? It’s a hell of a coincidence that the more I try to ignore the subject and turn away from it I see and hear more about it on TV, the radio, or wherever. He made up his mind to make sure that I don’t have a kid, and I’m trying to do the right thing and get over not having a kid, yet he rubs them in my face. Today would be the perfect day for them to be out playing near the house after school. Something tells me that they’ve just got to be sent here today.

I had to wait a long time to accept that I’m not having a kid, but how long will I have to wait for my replacement? I just hope I even have a destiny. There’s got to be something else out there for me. I just hope that just cuz he won’t let me sing or be a mother doesn’t mean that he won’t let me do something else. I just wish I knew what else I could do and when?

If I had a choice to either have a kid or be repulsed by the idea all the time, I’d want to be repulsed by the idea all the time, but since I am only sometimes, I better quit dreaming and just hope and pray that there’s something else that I’m meant for and that it gets here fast enough.

I was thinking earlier of how I need a new bathing suit and right away I said to myself that I’d get a blue 1 piece. Am I ever gonna quit thinking of him and do for me? Nothing I say, do, or wear will change things.

Anyway, back to my life back in the first house where we lived till I was 12.

I didn’t do too well in school, other than science, gym, music, art, typing and lunch. I was a troublemaker till 6th grade. I’d just walk up to a kid for no reason at all and kick or punch them. I was holding in all that anger that I had for my mother, but I certainly couldn’t take my anger out on her.

I did grades 1-5 in an elementary school named Blueberry Hill. I stood back once in second grade.

For some reason when I was in first grade, there were these two girls I just had to be friends with. Christine T and Cindy F. Chris and I ended up being friends, but Cindy never liked me.

There were two teachers I had crushes on, too. I can see why I had a crush on third-grade teacher Linda M as most people liked her, but why I had a crush on fifth-grade teacher Joan B beats me. What did I see in her? Everyone hated her, too. She was easily the worst-liked teacher there.

During third and fourth grade I was in the resource room, OKA: the retard room, the dummy room, or the troublemaker room. You were put there if you were either slow or a troublemaker. I was in there cuz I was a troublemaker, even though I was pretty stupid till I was in my early 20s. I was about 7 years behind my age in looks and brains. I was always jealous of someone else due to them either being smarter, having longer hair, being skinnier or cuz they had nicer parents.

Stephanie Watnick is another girl that stands out in my memory. She was in the fifth grade with me. She was friends with me, but she was also one of those I beat up on whenever angry.

Other than these 5 people, the only other one worth mentioning was Rose M. She was my fifth-grade teacher and she was friendly with my parents. She even spent a day or two with us during the summer at the beach.

I did 6th grade and 3 days of 7th grade at Glenbrook middle school, then transferred when we moved to the other side of Longmeadow. There are about 4 elementary schools in Longmeadow, 2 middle schools, and 1 high school.

Glenbrook sucked. You had no lockers. Just cubby holes so anyone could rip your lunch money off. There’s nothing about that school or the teachers there that stands out in my mind at all.

William’s middle school was way better. You had lockers there and I liked the teachers and some of the students there better.

Later…

I’m surprised they haven’t begun to play basketball next door. God’s probably holding them off till Tom gets home. That way I can’t go out there and say, “I appreciate your right to play, but could you please take it somewhere else? My grandmother’s real sick and she needs to sleep.”

Back to who stands out in my mind at William’s. There are two teachers. Mrs. Bogert was pretty cool. I didn’t have a crush on her, but I liked her personality. Mrs. Tricinella was one I had a crush on and again, I don’t know why. I don’t know what I saw in her and no one liked her either.

For students, there was Brenda P. She was a friend of mine, but she ended up not liking me. There was Laura C who never liked me. She had long pretty hair, but she wasn’t there for 8th grade, the last grade of middle school. I think she moved out of state.

Then there was Jessie S, Big Bird’s adopted daughter. We had met before when I was about 10 and she was about 8 at the Jewish Community Center. She was another longtime good friend of mine besides Jenny and Andy. I hope she’s doing well today. At least our friendship didn’t end on a bad note. We simply lost touch with each other. I suppose I could track her down through her mother, but there’s really not much to say to her. I could update her on my life, but that’d take forever and I’m sure she’s busy doing whatever it is she’s doing nowadays.

Later…

Thank you, God and Tom! Winning the bet is going to be no problem and Tom has made it clear, although subtly, that I will get my period next month and I strongly vibe it, too. When I was asking him about Ibuprofen being addicting or playing with my period, he said not to worry and that it’s non-addicting and that it won’t mess with my period for next month. I’ve been needing it for my tooth as well as for cramps.

Having a kid has not only become scarier but it’s gotten to be quite a turn-off in my mind in light of all that’s gone on. First I lived in the depression of knowing I couldn’t have a child and now I live in the fear of getting pregnant. Not literally, of course, cuz I know God and Tom are taking care of making sure I don’t. It’s just that even though they’ve got that covered, I still have to do the work at making sure it doesn’t happen. Even if Tom really did want a kid, we have to wait till my teeth are done being worked on whenever that’ll be and we have to wait till his father dies and that’ll probably be during the middle of the summer, I guess.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1996 I finally got my period and I now realize more than ever how much God will love me for doing “right.” Every day I’ve been praying for my period and letting God know how much I know what a wrong thing a baby would be for me. I prayed to never have a baby and for Tom to lose the bet, even though I know I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Tom’s up now, so I’ll write later.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1996 Another day of waking up at 98 pounds, and no period. I’ve got slight cramping and I know it’s coming and that I can’t be pregnant. I hope I get it soon, though, cuz this could mean something could be wrong and that’d be all I’d need.

Tom just got up and I’ve got nothing else to say at the moment, so I’ll return later.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1996 Hey cool! I’m 98 pounds on the day I’m due for my period. I wish my period would hurry up and start, though, as I am soooooo bloated.

I can’t get on AOL till 7 AM ET cuz they’re updating their system.

I watched a movie, listened to music and showered, but now I’m not sure what I’ll do. Maybe type up some drafts pertaining to my life. Maybe do some artwork.

Later…

I left Andy a message to tell Michelle she can forget about calling Tom, but thanks anyway. I told them that if either of us wished to bring up the subject of adoption, we would. In truth, though, I don’t need to know what I already know.

I can’t watch Little House on the Prairie cuz the cable’s out.

Got another message from Tammy. She wanted to know about a way to contact any other people she knew. I also told her to look in AOL’s member directory and how Tom and I once looked to see how many people with my maiden and married name there were.

She also said she did pick out other names, but they were taken. Mystery was taken. That is why I’m Mysterylin.

There was a quick hello from Becky too, and she says she’ll be writing to me soon.

I hope Tammy gets a new printer too, soon.

I sent Kim a letter. She once asked me if I wanted any stationary, saying she had lots of it. I told her to go ahead and send some if she still wants to and if it’s not a hassle. As long as it’s not shaped funny, I can reset the margins to fit it.

Later…

I’ve finally had it with those two dogs two yards down and have sent them a letter. Now hopefully I’ll only have one more letter to send and that’ll be to the people who move in next door about their kids and dogs. I just hope these people don’t come to the door asking if I knew who sent it, even though I’ll say no.

I feel so bad for these dogs, too. It’s so cruel that they have to be outside 24/7.

Anyway, I wrote that I was sorry to have to write this, but I’m just a concerned neighbor with a wacky brother who’s threatened to shoot the dogs due to their barking and as sick as it is, he’s unstable enough to do it, so please try to lessen their barking. It’d be helpful and appreciated. I’d like to give my name and number but don’t want to cuz I don’t want my brother to know I wrote this.

I’m almost 100% sure, though, it’ll do no good. Anyone who doesn’t give a shit about their dogs won’t give a shit about their neighbors. In fact, they’ll probably say to themselves - fine. Shoot the dogs. We don’t give a damn. I mean, they obviously don’t give a damn to be leaving them outside like this. Then again, next door stunned me by quieting their kids down, so we’ll see. And also, their dog was out 24/7 too.

I listened to music earlier, but I haven’t done any singing yet.

Robin was here earlier for the first time in quite a while. I sensed her while I was laying down and I was like - go away! But she then proceeded on to say she was sorry for causing electrical problems, but that she still loves me and loves to see me. She promises that things will work out and that I’ll never have to be as miserable as I was back East. Well, if she’s really for real, I hope she’s right about my never having to be as miserable as I was back East!

It’s gonna be 83º here today and 86º or 88º tomorrow. Wow! We may have to get the EC ready soon. When I go out to smoke in the middle of the night, though, it’s still pretty darn chilly.

It’s amazing that this journal only took 13 days. I still have to finish typing 105 as well as the last 8 pages in here.

Yesterday I did a lot. I busted my ass with housecleaning and other stuff, so I might be kind of lazy today. Maybe I’ll try calling Kim. She mentioned bleeding from her ass (maybe hemorrhoids), but hopefully it’s no big deal and hopefully, she isn’t in the hospital.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1996 No more being able to rank on Tammy for having a piece of shit for a computer. She got a brand new one that’s faster than ours for $1,600. She’s got CD-ROM, Windows 95, big speakers and all kinds of things. I told her that since I can’t rank on her for having a piece of shit for a computer I’ll have to double the amount of ranking I do on her cold and snowy winters and her humid summers.

Just called AOL and got two messages from Alex and one from Tammy. All she said was that she made it online and would talk to us soon. What a boring, non-original screen name she’s using.

I sent her a reply letting her know I am very happy for her and now she can enjoy all the things we do. I won’t be sending her regular mail anymore. Just to my folks, Bob, Kim, and Larry.

I don’t usually print out Alex’s messages since they’re usually short with nothing really new.

Got a letter from Kim today with letters she got from Bob. She also sent copies of her AT&T bill and her Excel bill, but I’m shitty with math, so I’m gonna let Tom check it out. She also sent a $5 bill saying some places charge $5 to switch over, some charge $3 and some charge nothing, but to keep it anyway.

Yesterday my combination of PMS and being tired didn’t have me in the best of moods. I could tell Tom was bored by my rambling on and on and he even said so, but also that it was OK to get it out of my system. Just when I had been doing so good at keeping my mouth shut!

Then he came out and told me the biggest lie to cheer me up, even though he denied it was to cheer me up. He told me that he was gonna win the bet. What a liar and how it’s all the more obvious that he loves playing with my head about this!

Yesterday I really got on my ass about smoking indoors and am now smoking outside. I hate it and it’s a pain, but it’s already begun to cut me down as far as how much I smoke is concerned.

Later…

Now I’ll get into describing places I’ve lived, but first, I got 3 free pairs of pantyhose in the mail today and a form for the Literary Book Club so I can get 6 free books in a bogus name.

After I was born in Springfield, we lived in a house there till very shortly after I was born. I was only a few weeks old, I think, when we moved into a 4-bedroom house in Longmeadow. The house, which was next door to my mother’s parents had a huge backyard. Many acres both out in the open as well as set in the woods where I had my swing set and Larry and Tammy had their private fort. The house was built right before I was born and was pretty modern and still is compared to the second house. It was on Berkeley Drive and the cellar was just about finished. It was carpeted with heated floors and even a toilet, sink and shower stall. The stairs that went down into the cellar were in the middle. To the right was one big room with a few built-in shelves. On the other side was my little playroom, the bathroom in the middle and the laundry room behind that.

The first floor circled the staircase. If you were standing in front of the stairs, the front door would be behind you. To your left would be the dining room, through there in the back would be the kitchen, and through the kitchen would be a small hallway. To the left was a bathroom with a sink and toilet and to the right was a walk-in pantry and the stairs to the cellar. Past this was a long living room that made up one whole side of the house.

Upstairs were 4 bedrooms with just a small hallway in the center and a full bath.

The attic in this house wasn’t one you could walk up into. You had to go through a hole in the ceiling and stand on beams.

There was a double-car garage at the left of the house.

Berkeley Drive was a quiet dead-end road with a circle at the end of it. There were only 7 houses on that road.

When I was 12, we moved to Birchwood Ave., also in Longmeadow. This was on the corner of a busier street with many more houses on it. This house was also a 4-bedroom and it was bigger and older, built in the late 1800s, but I liked it much better. It was kept in excellent condition and my mother had the rooms with different kinds of wallpapers and carpets as she loved to do, so most of the interior was pretty modern looking. Its front and back yards were very small, but this was to free my dad from having to do so much yard work as his heart was never the greatest. Even I’d mow the lawn from time to time. My dad used a sit-down mower at the other house.

Its cellar wasn’t as finished or as nice as the other one, but it was my private resort that I loved. My stereo and guinea pigs lived down there and that’s where I’d do my homework, too, at my desk which had drawers and a bookcase. Again, the stairs were in the middle of the cellar, and towards the right was one big side (my side) with lots of big built-in cabinets. The left side was where the washer and dryer were and there was also a small room with an old freezer in it as well as another small room with no floor in it. I used to wonder if I’d find any secret passageways.

The first floor was kind of like a U. If you enter through the back door which is in the kitchen, as with the other house, you enter a huge kitchen. This was one of my favorite kitchens and I think my mom agreed. Off of the kitchen was a bathroom with a sink and toilet and in front of that, also off the kitchen was a closet area within a small area. There was where the steps leading to the cellar were.

Through the kitchen was a dining room and through that was a good size foyer where the front door was as well as the stairs going up to the bedrooms.

Through the foyer was a huge living room that ran the length of the house. Off of the living room was a solarium.

The upstairs hallway was kind of in the shape of a staple. Once you hit the top of the stairs, there’s a bedroom on the left. If you go right, there’s a full bathroom and to the right of that is another bedroom with a porch off of that. In the middle of the hallway was a big linen closet. To the right of that were the stairs to the attic. It was a full walk-in attic that I’m sure we would’ve used as a playroom if we kids had been younger. To the right of the attic stairs was the master bedroom, then to the right of the master bedroom was the last bedroom. That was mine in the beginning and if you stood right outside the door and looked towards your left, the stairs went right down under you. Off of my room was a small cedar closet. Its door was a few inches shorter than I am.

The master bedroom was always my parent’s room. The first bedroom was my father’s mother’s, then Lisa’s bedroom (Tammy’s first kid when she was a baby). The second bedroom went from being a den to Tammy’s room, then back to a den. My room became Tammy’s room cuz after I graduated I lived in the cellar.

Although I had my share of horrible times in this house, it also gives me a warm feeling to remember it and I did have some good times there. I fell in love with this house the second I saw it.

From when I was about 5 till my late teens, my family and I always spent the summer at our beach cottage in CT. I had more shitty times there and wished we could stay home a lot. When we first got this 4-bedroom cottage, it was a dump. My folks fixed it up really nice and later knocked out some walls making it a 2-bedroom cottage. It was small and on one floor. The walk to the beach from there took only about 90 seconds.

I first went out on my own the day before I turned 20 in 1985, so it’s been just over 10 years now. I first moved to Locust Street in Springfield on the first floor into a 1-bedroom apartment. This 4-story building was built in the 50s and the apartment was nothing too bad and nothing too impressive. It was about 600 square feet and I had a roommate there for a month or two. Her name was Michelle L and she was a 17-year-old runaway that I worked at the Harley Hotel with. She said her father molested her. She turned out to be a major backstabber who took no appreciation for my rescuing her from her home situation. This was at the time I wouldn’t see my brother for 8 years as she, as well as Jenny, came between me and my brother. My brother fell in love with her and they had an affair. Michelle and Larry were becoming more of a nuisance by the minute and in order to get rid of Michelle, I knew I had to get rid of both of them. So, I kicked her out and she went to live with Larry and his family, but I don’t know for how long.

I was only in this apartment for about 5 or 6 months. I think it was the following May that I moved due to someone knocking on my window at night. If I’d had the guts I have today, I would’ve waited outside the window at night to take care of the problem. I think I did once, but no one showed up. This left me to believe it was my brother or someone he knew. I still don’t know up to this day. In the end, whoever it was did me a favor, cuz I moved around the corner in the same building on Woodside Terrace into a much bigger and nicer 1-bedroom apt. This one was about 900 square feet. It was on the fourth floor and I lived there till July 1987. I had a black girl named Barbara T live with me there for a couple of weeks who ripped me off and was a lazy bitch. She rang up $143 of long-distance phone calls while she was there, but luckily my good acting with the phone company got it wiped out. There really wasn’t any way I could’ve afforded to pay that, either. I can’t remember where I met Barbara which is weird since I have a great memory, but I think I met her along Locust St.

Then I moved to Oswego St. onto a second floor in a 1-bedroom apartment that was more modern. I even had a garbage disposal there. This apartment was about 600 square feet. My roommate at this place was Crystal C. Another lazy bitch who ripped off a few pieces of clothing from me. She was a real wimp who was under the bad influence of her no-good boyfriend. We met at Dunkin Donuts and ended up chatting when the discussion of roommates came up. After a month or so, she left out of fear of me. I don’t know why she was afraid of me when all I wanted was for her to do her share of chores.

I left there on March 17th of 1989 to move back to the same fourth-floor apartment on Woodside Terrace.

After Crystal, I wanted no more roommates, but I ended up taking in my best friend Andy who I reunited with in April of 1988 cuz he got evicted from his own apt. It was terrible, as all we did was fight and he wasn’t there more than a month or so either. We’re just too much alike to live together, but Andy’s also changed dramatically for the better since then. I think we both have.

I moved out of Springfield to South Deerfield, MA, 40 minutes away from Springfield, on April 1, 1991. This was the most beautiful 1400 square foot (the size of this house), 1-bedroom apartment I ever had, but I was terribly isolated there. This apartment had everything from a Jacuzzi in its bathtub to a dishwasher, washer and dryer in the bathroom, a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. A ceiling fan, a microwave, a burglar alarm and 3 big skylights. There was only one other apartment in this 3-story office building where friends of mine lived. We lived on the top floor.

I moved to Norwich, CT February 8, 1992, to the biggest dump I ever lived in. The Norwich Housing Authority. I lived in a rundown, filthy old 1-bedroom apartment that was about 500 square feet. It was to be a 102-day nightmare and the noise there was horrible and this place literally ran me down physically and mentally till I came to Phoenix on June 9, 1992.

The apartments in Phoenix were very modern and beautiful with dishwashers and some had a washer and dryer in the apartments, but their walls are still too thin. Just about all apartment complexes have pools and even Jacuzzis.

I spent my first 5 days here with Andy who had been here 16 months before I got to his 400-square-foot studio apartment. I ended up getting the same studio two buildings away from him on the first floor. Then, I moved right behind him into his building in an identical studio. The walls were also too thin there and I hated my neighbors. This was in the Vista Ventana apartment complex.

Then I moved about 40 minutes away to the Crystal Creek complex in April of 1993 into my first 2-bedroom apartment on the second floor that was about 1000 square feet. My husband lived next to me and that’s how we met, but I hated the people below me.

Then I moved to an identical apartment in the back of the complex to avoid the pool noise till I moved here in September 1993. This has been the longest I’ve ever lived in one place since being on my own. Then again, I spent a total of 3 years at the Woodside Terrace apartment counting both times I lived there.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1996 I’m bored now, but earlier I typed a couple of letters and played Balistic. I need a new project. Something new and exciting that’ll take me a while to do.

Tammy left a message saying she was just calling to say hi. She would never call to just say hi, so she probably has some computer questions.

I’m getting nervous about Tom’s upcoming vacation. I’m afraid all we’ll do is fight no matter how hard we try not to.

When I look at this man there’s so much love I feel, but there’s also so much anger. I just try to remind myself that I’m sure he tried to find a way to tell me the truth, but he just doesn’t have the heart to break my heart and no one should be forced into being a father or a mother if it’s not what they want. I must continue to accept that just cuz I can’t have the things I want, doesn’t mean there’s not something else out there just as fulfilling.

We had sex yesterday which was a bore. I didn’t cum cuz I had taken care of myself earlier due to thinking he wouldn’t bring it up.

He says his favorite time for sex is in the mornings, but his actions show me he likes it at the end of his day. It’s safer that way. That way he’s more tired so he can hold back.

I know now that Tom and God are only trying to protect me. I’ve been praying steadily the prayer I wrote a few pages back. This way I can feel close to him and that he loves me cuz I’m praying for what’s correct for me.

There are two things out of the many things that Tom’s been all talk and no action that I’m truly grateful for and that’s that he doesn’t wake me up when I’m asleep for sex as he said he would. He’ll also never read my stories which saves me lots of embarrassment. I told Tom that if I die to give my original journals to Andy. Andy will read them, but Tom wouldn’t, so I guess it’d be best for those books to go to someone who’ll read them and get a big kick out of them. The only other person in this world who might want to read these would be Tammy, but I don’t think she’d have the time.

I’m gonna go leave Andy a message unless he answers.

Later…

I can’t believe it took me 30 years to learn that the word instrament is spelled instrument when it applies to a musical instrument!

Andy’s been on the phone for quite a while, but I left him a message. He’s probably talking to Quinn.

Karson hasn’t called which is fine with me. I admire her respect whereas Fran would keep calling people who didn’t want to hear from him, no matter what. I’m still amazed he doesn’t call periodically. He must’ve lost my number and forgotten my married name.

I guess now’s as good a time as any to write more about my life. I’ve thought of such subjects to get into such as places I’ve lived in, health situations and accidents I’ve been in, goals that are both current and past, friends and enemies I’ve had and people I couldn’t be with that I once wanted very much to be with.

There’s not much to say in the way of goals since these have pretty much been a joke for me. I’ve always wanted to be a singer. I didn’t start wanting to be a mom till I was about 24 and then after I left the NHA when I was 26 it went away till I met Tom. I should visit a place like the NHA daily cuz this not only may bring back bad memories, but it’ll surely help me get over never having a kid much easier.

Up till I was about 10, I used to also want to be an actress, but I haven’t wanted to be since then, even though, if a legit deal came my way, I wouldn’t necessarily turn it down.

I had thought about working with the deaf since I’m fluent in sign language, but there’s so much more needed for that than just knowing how to sign. There are extra credentials required like experience working with all different kinds of people, other degrees, etc. Nowadays, I’d just prefer to have a deaf friend to sign with for the fun of it as signing is fun.

Other than wanting to be a singer and a mom which cannot be, I just have to have confidence that I’ll find something just as fulfilling and productive. Like I said, I may wonder why God hates me at times, but I know deep down he’s just looking out for my best interest and loves me enough to protect me. Therefore, I have faith in him that he won’t just let me wander around aimlessly forever. He’ll make sure I cross paths with something. Meanwhile, I know that as long as I keep praying for him to continue protecting me from pregnancy and stuff like that, that I know would hurt me, and that I’d be lousy at, and to help me find something correct for me, I’ll be on his good side for sure.

Let’s move on to the health and accident department. Well, I’ve been lucky for the most part, but I’ve been through enough hell as well. Besides typical colds and flues, I’ve had to deal with asthma and allergies for the most part. I outgrew my asthma till a few years after I began smoking and I began smoking when I was 13. From about September 1990 to early 1993 was when I went through hell with my asthma, having attacks that nearly killed me. It was a constant living nightmare that I never thought I’d be free of. It had me in such a grip that this alone made me wish I was dead plenty of times.

When I was about 9, I had double viral pneumonia and was hospitalized for two weeks in New London, CT with it since it happened while we were at our summer home at the beach in Old Lyme, CT.

When I was around that same age, I was spending a few weeks at Jenny C’s house in Huntington, MA where I went over the handlebars of my bike and wound up with 60 stitches in 4 layers in my chin.

I also banged my pinky finger and my knee doing gymnastics. I got my pinky sprained on the vault and sideswiped my knee on the beam.

I was born with no outer ear on my left side and no canal or hearing. All I had was a tiny portion of the lobe. It took 15 operations in the 70s in Boston to build the outer ear out of plastic surgery. The first 8 operations were in-patient, and the rest were out-patient. Back then they had no CAT scans and was told I’d never hear out of that ear.

Then, in 1994 it took two operations to build an ear canal and in the second operation, the frame was taken off cuz it was causing major sensitivity. Both operations were out-patient. It’s amazing how it took 15 operations where I had to stay a few days to build the frame and it took only one to remove it in 10 minutes when I was home that same day. That ear doesn’t hear half as well as the other, but some hearing is better than none and music sounds pretty neat with headphones on.

The rest of my medical ordeals were self-inflicted. I began cutting my forearm as a sick way to release my pressures which became rather addicting at around age 8. That escalated over time but stopped when I was 17 after I jumped out of a window and broke my upper right arm. That was the most painful thing I ever experienced, aside from wild cramps due to the DES, and that deterred me from suicide attempts, even though I’ve thought about it many times.

I also began starvation diets when I was around 10 and that nearly killed me twice. It began when I was at the beach and didn’t eat or drink for 3 days. When I awoke on the third day, I couldn’t raise my head off of the pillow. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the kitchen was 3 feet away from where I’d slept, I’d have died as my mother couldn’t care less. Her attitude was, “You did it to yourself; you correct it.” It took me nearly 8 hours to muster up the strength and determination to grab a devil dog, then 10 minutes to open and eat it, then another hour or two to get up and shower.

This really messed up my stomach and I’d have diarrhea without even knowing it. It was so gross and embarrassing, but I’d be right smack in the middle of the beach when all of a sudden this brown stuff would be running down my legs. I don’t know who I was madder at. Me for doing this or at my mother for not helping me. Would she have left me to die if I could never have gotten to the cupboard for that Devil Dog? I’ll always wonder about this and it’s a scary question.

I’d have times when I’d not eat here and there, but I always made sure I had plenty of liquids. When I was 16, I became seriously anorexic. A lot of it wasn’t just that I wouldn’t eat cuz I thought I was fat, but I was going through such a hellish ordeal that I just couldn’t eat and the second foster mother I was with wouldn’t feed me that much at all.

When I was around 14, two years before what I just wrote about happened, I overdosed on pain and sleeping pills. Luckily, though, I never needed my stomach pumped.

Before I get into more detail about my life, I think I’ll describe all the places I’ve lived in and that’s omitting any foster homes or funny farms I’ve been in for now.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1996 Tom went to bed a couple of hours ago, and he says he’s gonna get up in about 6 hours. This way he can reset his schedule and he’s already all caught up on his sleep. I wish I could do that!

I called Sandy and Jenny a few hours ago as I figured they’d more than likely be home then, rather than tomorrow morning.

I am amazed at how much Sandy loves to get my drawings. She says she and Jen really look forward to them and run to check out each other’s drawings. Cool.

Sandy and I also teased each other about the weather. It hit a high of 13º there today and they just got 6” of snow dumped on them to add to what’s already there.

Sandy also says they all laugh about the pie incident now and then.

Michelle hasn’t called Tom, so I wonder if Andy talked her out of it. If so, it’s no big deal and I told her she didn’t have to do it and that it was no biggie.

Now I’m gonna start this week’s letters. All the laundry is done, so it’s nice having that out of the way.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1996 Last night I cried for 6 hours and was so depressed. I was trying to do anything and everything I can to shake it. I still haven’t talked to Tom about it and I won’t ever.

There’s something I’ve always realized that I realize now more so than ever before. There are two things, actually. The first thing is that I’ve come to see more and more that even if I could have the things I want, I could never handle them. I’m just not cut out for them. I can’t sing well enough and I could never be a good mother or handle that either. Also, I realize more than ever that I’ve got to start accepting what can and can’t be and stop trying to fight these fights I could never win. I’ve got to let go and just take what I can get in life and take what’s meant to be. I’m wasting my life and driving myself crazy by trying to get things that aren’t destined. I see more than ever now that it’s not that I’m a quitter or am giving up in any way, it’s that it’s hopeless. I simply am powerless to obtain the things I want in life. I really lectured myself earlier about this telling myself, “Come on now, you know that just cuz you got here and you got Tom that you still can’t have first best. You know you can’t have anything you really want that really matters to you. First best isn’t meant for you, so just accept that and move on.”

Move on to what, though? That’s the scary part. Accepting that I can’t be a singer or a mother is frustrating and depressing, but not knowing what’s meant for me for real is scary. God obviously doesn’t want me working regular jobs any more than he wants me singing or being a mom, otherwise he’d have me able to do that and keep a schedule. He didn’t make me that way or able to be a singer and a mom, so what does that leave? What’s he got planned for me? Does he even have anything planned? Do I even have a destiny? Is this really it as far as my life goes? Will I just continue to do journals, sing for fun, watch TV, do puzzles and clean the house? Is that it? Is that it aside from whatever else Tom and I do together? Is this all I’m good for and deserve?

I miss those days when I first got here when I was so happy constantly, despite my problems with neighbors and money. It’s not that I wish for that life back, but I wish I wasn’t hit as hard by things both physically and mentally. It seems that most others who find they can’t have something they really want can get over it much quicker than I do. They seem to accept it quicker and easier and they also always seem to find something fast enough to replace whatever it was that they first wanted and accept it without being so depressed about it. Maybe these people aren’t as happy as they’d like to be, but they don’t seem so miserable over not being able to get what they consider first best cuz most of us don’t get first best cuz life doesn’t work that way. I guess the only thing about it with me is that wanting to be a singer is much more of a long shot, than wanting a child. Most people can’t sing at all and don’t become singers, but most people also can have a child.

Andy was reminding me again earlier that his sister Linda and her husband tried for 8 years before they could have a kid and she experienced all the same emotions as I am. Yeah, well there’s a big difference between someone who can’t get pregnant due to a physical problem than there is with someone who can’t get pregnant due to her husband making sure she doesn’t cuz of his own individual fears as well as his fears of how much she’d suck as a mom and couldn’t handle it. Well, he’s right and I realize more and more that Tom is afraid cuz of how I’d be as a mom. He hasn’t got any faith in me than I’ve got in myself and I don’t know if all the talk he used to say about believing I’d be a good mom was always just talk or if he’s come to see and believe that through time.

There are still only two things Tom can do. The only question is when? When will he come out and tell me that he not only doesn’t want to deal with a kid but that he doesn’t have faith in me as a mom? If not that, then he’s gonna have to make sure he finds a way to beat the appointment in ‘97 and make sure it doesn’t work for him.

Yes, this type of misery is better than the old types of misery which I know sounds funny. At least I’m not in the NHA or broke or alone. Yeah, I know, though. The person I’m with is fucking me out of a dream. Believe me, I’ve asked myself how I could love him for doing this to me and why I don’t just leave, but I love him. Just like I used to ask myself how I could love my mother after all she did to me, but I guess I love her too. I also know that if it weren’t for my mother I wouldn’t be here and if it weren’t for Tom, I wouldn’t be hearing out of two ears and I wouldn’t have a lot of other things.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I wouldn’t talk to Tom about this anymore. It will never change anything and he just doesn’t get it. He’s not the one who wants a kid and to be a singer and he doesn’t want to change anything to make it so we have a kid. Nothing will change the 3 things that are keeping him from cumming. 1. His not wanting a kid to deal with. 2. His fears of my being a bad mother. 3. His enjoyment of teasing me with this subject.

Nothing will change God’s mind either and I want so much more than ever to work on not trying to solve problems that can’t be solved year after year. I have to treat unsolvable problems like hopelessly broken TVs. If it can’t be fixed, you dump it. Well, it’s my life and Tom can control my body from getting pregnant, but he can’t control me from refusing to play this game and deal with hopeless problems year after year.

For the first time in eons, I prayed to God and here’s basically what I said: I still may never know if you’re a hoax, a myth or evil and you know the reasons why I’ve been afraid to pray to you. I’ve also been confused for the longest time as to what I should pray to you for. Nonetheless, I see it’s obvious you won’t budge on the issue of a child and I know you’ll never allow me to have a child or allow Tom to allow himself to have an orgasm. I’ve come to realize that it’s not that you won’t allow me a child to punish me, but that you’re just trying to protect me. I promise not to fight you on things you won’t allow anymore if you’re really trying to protect me and all I ask is two things. Please continue to protect me from pregnancy as I see that I could never handle it or handle a child. Also, it’s very important that you help me find a supplement in life. Something I’d be satisfied with doing that’ll occupy more of my time and help me to accept not ever having a child. I’m tired of being upset over things I can’t have, so please help me to make it easier to accept the things that I can’t have and to find other things in life.

I decided it was my turn to play another game with Tom. Well, you remember our bet about 5 months ago I knew I’d win and I did win? We bet that if he came within 30 days that I’d have to go a day without smoking and that if he didn’t cum, he owed me nothing. Due to his loving to lie about it, he said he was sure he’d win the bet and that there was no doubt in his mind about it, but we both knew he wanted to lose. He didn’t seem the least bit upset about losing, either, cuz that’s how much he wanted to. I made a new bet with him. I said he could have till March 1st to cum with no excuses such as bad days where he’d need more time. If he didn’t cum, nothing would change. If he did, he doesn’t have to clean the back room (which he tried putting a guilt trip on me about earlier cuz he said he’d clean it nearly 2½ years ago) and also, I’d go a day without smoking. I told him, though, that I don’t make bets I can’t keep. He asked me, “If I clean the back room before March 1st, then win the bet, do I get to trash the back room?” I told him OK. Why does he love things so trashed and unorganized? He says he doesn’t, but his actions say differently, just like with the kid, or else he’d have cleaned it long ago. I can’t believe how stupid he thinks I am. Anyway, we both know he wants to lose this bet and that he will, so I’m far from worried about having to go a day with no cigarettes. And again, if he did cum, it’d be once and during a time when I couldn’t get pregnant and so he could get out of doing the back room and so he could see me suffer for a day without smoking.

Only two things will happen. He’ll either admit the truth about the kid or beat that 1997 appointment.

Tom’s also sick again, by the way. NOW does he believe me when I say it’s gonna be one thing after another and that he’s not the only one trying to hold us back?

The roof in the back room is leaking much more and he’s got to figure out what to do about that this weekend. I also wonder how much longer the TV will last.

I thought the hair growing out by my ear where it had been shaved looked stupid, so I trimmed the other side to make it even. It looks better this way.

Later…

Did I mention something funny I did with Sandy’s birthday letter? On Jenny’s, I drew a flamingo and on Sandy’s, I drew 3 palm trees and wrote: If you stare at these trees, will people think you’re weird? This is what she said was the case when she stared at all the palm trees in Florida.

I forgot to mention how I got the nickname Mystery. It was my stage name as a dancer. A friend’s friend had a baby named Mystery, so that’s how I got the idea.

I spoke to Andy and Michelle about Michelle calling Tom from Big Brothers & Sisters and asking what I already wrote about. Yes, she is an excellent actress and yes, she will do it. When I first told Andy about what I wanted Michelle to do to Tom and why, he was nervous at first that if Tom gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear, it’d ruin our marriage. Now, why would he think that? I explained to him, of course, that it was just my way of assuring myself whether or not I should mention adoption. Of course, the truth is to see if he says he doesn’t want a kid.

How will I react if he tells Michelle he doesn’t want a kid? Not surprised, but pissed. Also, as hard as it’ll be, I’ll have to keep my mouth shut about it, cuz then I wouldn’t be able to do something like this again if I needed or wanted to. Besides, it won’t change anything. It’ll just reaffirm what I already figured, and he’ll be all upset if I were to confront him. Not due to being tricked nearly as much as being “caught” with confessing. I think his answer might be “maybe” rather than “yes” or “no,” cuz he’ll probably not want to bother discussing it and he may not wish to answer yes or no without knowing what the point is. Of course, there’ll be no point as she’ll be hanging up in mid-sentence after his answer.

After the job is done Andy will tell me over the phone what his answer was. Not on the machine, naturally, so there’ll be no way Tom will know about this unless he reads my journals or bugs the phone and I highly doubt that.

Later…

Tom worked 4 hours, then stopped by his parents’ and now he’s working on the back room. I appreciate how aggressively he’s been working the back room, but I almost feel like he’s punishing me for it. It’s like he’s saying, “OK, if you’re gonna get on my case with the back room, I’ll do it, but I won’t be giving you sex.”

No problem getting him to go down on me, but we haven’t screwed for a good 8 days or so. It’s amazing how long he can go with no sex and how low his appetite is, but I’m sure that in the shower and when he goes to the bathroom, he gets it out of his system.

He said he saw a city van go in to clean next door when he got home yesterday. I guess the city does own the house and that they’re gonna try to sell it again. Soon the 2-4 or more kids will be there as well as the 1-2 dogs.

Can you believe I’m 98 pounds 2 days before my period? Lucky me.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1996 Now as far as that love life that’s a joke – well – like I said before, there really wasn’t any till I met Tom. I didn’t understand my being a lesbian and that it’s a genetic thing you’re born with until I was in my early 20s. I just thought it was a phase I’d grow out of, but I was always attracted to women since I was little. They were always better looking to me, but certainly not every woman. I’m pretty picky. I always used to wish I was one of those where looks didn’t matter to me, cuz then I wouldn’t have spent so much time alone, even though that’s much safer.

Once when I was about 13, I let a boy go down on me, but I never came. Then when I was 20 and in my first apt., I let another guy go down on me and I came. I think his name was Richard. The roommate I’d had at that time liked him, but we both saw soon enough what a lying immature jerk he was.

Then I met Ron M when I was 21 and we even told my parents we were engaged. I just didn’t know how to say no to second best yet and thought I couldn’t do any better or ever get a woman. He was the first guy who could get inside me, even though it took a few months of trying and even though he was small. Ron and I were history 6 months after we met.

Then I met Al L when I was 22. This whiny little geek was the type to hate everyone and find problems with everyone. He couldn’t get it in there and he had premature ejaculation, anyhow. After two months, I was sick of him cutting me down, so he was out of the picture.

One night, also when I was 22, I guy named Mike came over and he ate me out as I jerked him off by hand. I never saw him again after this night.

Then after I moved for the 4th time when I was 24, I had oral sex with two different neighbors, Mark and Jai. The reason why it was only once is cuz that was all Mark wanted and Jai felt bad for cheating on his girlfriend.

Lastly, I had a one-nighter with Bruce, a guitarist I’d met. This was the second guy I ever had inside me, who was also conceited and negative toward me. Then there’d be no more guys till I met Tom in 1993.

It was right after my 24th birthday when I learned that I could get a woman, but not Miss Right. Miss Right was always straight, gay and taken or gay and not interested. There would be 6 women. Diana for one night, Lisa for one night, Kacey for a month, Brenda for 7 months, Ann Marie for two nights and Julia for one night. Julia was the only one I was with out here in Arizona.

I met Diana, Kacey and Lisa at a gay bar that Andy and I, who are also gay, would go to in Springfield here and there.

Diana was Puerto Rican, 5’ 4” with shoulder-length dark hair, dark eyes, and was chunky at about 140 pounds. I forgot what she did for work.

Lisa was an EMT and I remember wishing here and there that we could have more than one night. She seemed really cool and just an easygoing person in general. She was 5’ 4”, skinny with shoulder-length reddish-brown hair and brown eyes.

Kacey felt for me what I felt for Brenda. I really wanted Kacey in the beginning, but she just couldn’t get into me. Brenda wanted me really badly, but she became too persistent and had so many problems.

Kacey lived in a duplex and was the only one I’d ever had for a lover or a friend at this time that had a decent job and income. She was a chemical operator and made just over $15 an hour. She was 5’ 4” with light brown hair to her waist and she had hazel eyes. She weighed about 110.

Brenda was my neighbor and this is how we met. She was 5’ 6”, very thin, with medium-length brown hair and brown eyes. She was part Cherokee and she had distinct features and she looked Cherokee. She drove a taxi.

Brenda was a good person who wasn’t stupid, but she was a wimp. She just didn’t know how to stand up to those who pushed her around and she began doing crack. She was also smothering me.

I met Julia at the first club I danced at. She came in as a customer with a male friend of hers and she told me she was curious. A few months later, we got together. She was Mexican, 5’ 2” with hair down to the middle of her ass that was dark and so was her eyes. She was of average weight. I think she worked in an office.

Then I met Tom who was also my neighbor in April of 1993. I moved into his house the following September and we were married on June 15, 1994.

Later…

I guess Tom isn’t sick again. He just had a sore throat due to some allergy and just needs to catch up on his sleep as I did.

I asked Tom his opinion of Jenny. He thinks she tried calling when she got my letter, couldn’t reach me, then had second thoughts about it and figured it wasn’t meant to be.

Maybe, but I think she never intended to call. Lucky for me, though, in a sense. I just don’t want no shit.

Later…

I just did the same Snoopy drawing I did in the back cover of my paper journal. He asked me to do it so he could carve it.

Luckily, I’ll be asleep during most of tomorrow cuz I have a feeling the neighborhood kids just might enjoy the basketball hoop next door, even though I haven’t heard anything in days.

Tom’s working half a day tomorrow, then he’s gonna stop by his parent’s house. I wonder how his parents are enjoying their new neighbors.

Sunday and Monday are Sandy and Jennifer’s birthdays, so I’ll call them Sunday. I made cards/letters with drawings and I hope they arrive on time.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1996 I drew a woman on her toes in ballet slippers up to below her knees in the kitchen. I got the idea from journal 41. I don’t know if I like it. I guess it’s OK, but it seems that one foot is bigger than the other, as usual. It’s hard to get two eyes just right, two eyebrows and two feet proportioned.

I’ve been thinking of an idea that I’m finally going to put into action. I’d need Andy’s roommate Michelle to do this, though, cuz Tom doesn’t know her voice and I don’t know anyone else who could do this for me. I just hope she’s as good of an actress as I hear and won’t fuck up. I was thinking of having her call and say she was from Big Brothers & Sisters and ask if he has any kids, then if he’s planning on having any and see what he says. Right after his answer, I’d want her to start to say something like, “The reason why I’m calling is-” then put her finger on the receiver as if the line got cut off by mistake. Then, she can report to me or have Andy report to me whether or not he said no to the question of if he’s planning on having any kids.

My own best friend, however, doesn’t know the truth about Tom as Kim does cuz she’s a nurse. I’m just too damn embarrassed. He thinks it’s just the DES that’s the problem, so I’ll say that the reason why I want her to do this is cuz I’m thinking about asking him about adoption, but that sometimes people may answer a stranger differently than someone they know.

He was in a good mood, as I said earlier and he said he felt relaxed and calm. Just what he needs to feel to cum, so he says. Is this why he only wanted to go down on me earlier? It’s ironic - and maybe funny - but true that there’s one day out of every month that I cannot count on us having sex and doing other stuff. That’d be the 14th day after my period started, of course.

He’ll be on vacation from the 10th-19th of this month and I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made a family during your vacation?”

He said, “That wouldn’t be funny. I’d be happy.”

Yeah, right. Sure he would. Well, his vacation’s out of the question anyway as I won’t be mid-cycle till a day or two after his vacation.

When I thought back on the message that he wrote for me in the angel journal, I’d always thought there was something phony or just plain old not right with it and it was last night that the answer hit me. I guess it was the way he worded it “if you’re not a mother” and not “if we’re not parents.”

We were talking about what sex therapists do and he was telling me that they condition people like he’s conditioned himself to wake up before his alarm goes off. I then asked him how come he couldn’t condition himself to cum and he said cuz it’s harder. Oh. Then that’s not gonna help us in ‘97 for sure. What the doctors will have to do would be strictly physical (plant his sperm in me), unless he then comes out and admits to not wanting a child.

Speaking of kids, well, I do hate to listen to them, just like other people’s music, dogs and whatever noise they can give off. Once or twice in the last 5 days or so, they’ve been fucking using the basketball hoop next door. I fucking swear, if there was a way I could tear that thing down I would! Don’t fucking tell me this is gonna be a new thing with them that’s going to occur more often. And the bulk of the time the kids have made noise has ironically been mostly when Tom’s here. As if God’s really trying to tease and rub in the fact that he won’t allow me one.

I just wish I knew why God hates me so much. Take Karson, for example. You mean to tell me that God loves her so much more than me that he goes and blesses her with a child and feels that she deserves it more than I do? Does he really think I’m that undeserving and such a bad person? Obviously so. I just hope to hell Kim can get pregnant when she marries Doug. That’d really restore some of my faith in God.

Anyway, I’ve decided to write according to subjects for the most part. I told you about myself, Tom and where we live and now it’s time for me to tell you why I hated New England so much. It’s too damn cold, old, ugly and expensive. That pretty much sums it up, not to mention the many bad memories I have from back there. I always felt “out of place” since I was little and that I didn’t belong there, and I really believe that I was born in the wrong state. I always knew I was meant to live out west. I just thought back then that it’d be California. I can’t wait to visit California, though.

So, where have I traveled to? Well, I’ve been to all the New England states as well as New York, and other states below Connecticut. My parents and I drove to Texas when I was about 11 to see my sister Tammy who lived there when she was married to her first husband.

My sister Tammy who’s 38 now lives in Salem, Connecticut. My brother Larry who’s 42 lives in Feeding Hills, Massachusetts and my folks like in Palm City, Florida. I’ve been there 3 times. I don’t remember the first time, though, since I was just a baby.

Anyway, Arizona’s the furthest from MA I’ve ever been.

Rather than get into my family and places I’ve been too much now, let me continue on with the jobs I’ve had. I don’t want to jump around too much and get sidetracked too much.

After I both quit and was fired from the Harley Hotel, my parents got me on SSI and SS checks in 1986. It wasn’t much and sometimes they had to help supplement me. I only worked a couple more jobs that barely lasted a month cuz I hated it so much and found it getting harder and harder to keep a schedule.

I tried waitressing in Springfield, then I worked in the laundry dept. of a nursing home in Springfield, then down at the end of my street in Springfield in a small convenience store, then waitressing at Denny’s in Chicopee with my best friend Andy during 3rd shift.

I quit all of these jobs, but I quit the one down at the end of my street out of fear as the neighborhood was getting deadlier by the minute.

I tried housekeeping on my own and babysitting back east here and there and even when I first came out here, but that was a drag, too.

Then I met someone after I’d been here a few months in 1992 who told me she was an exotic dancer and she didn’t feel threatened or scared by her work and that I should think about doing that myself. I did think about it for a few more months and after I’d been here for 6 months, I finally got up the nerve to audition at a nearby topless joint. I auditioned with two songs and even other dancers gave me tips. I got $18 just for those two songs and was hired that night.

The good news was that my money problems were over, but I was making far less than I’d hoped to. I thought I’d have hundreds of dollars left over to just blow off in the mall and even help my sister out back east, but this wouldn’t be the case.

For 8 months I worked at 4 different clubs. I didn’t work too much through February of 1993 cuz of a cold followed by the flu. First I worked at Sha Na Na’s, then moved and worked at the Mile High club which was the deadest. So, I left there and went to work at the Candy Store, but they changed their story as to what hours I could work, so I left and went into private-room dancing at a place called Favors. I made $275 the first night, got my picture in a magazine that these places advertise in, but then left cuz I made no money for 3-4 nights in a row. The last place I danced at was the Ex-Caliber club and that was OK, but by then I had settled in here with Tom and just decided to take care of the house so we could have more time with each other as he worked days and I’d have had to work nights.

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allen309 · 9 months

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As someone who has insomnia and takes meds to help me sleep, I still have rough nights. Last night was no different. I need to rant for a moment because I’m not a morning person and I’m slightly annoyed.

Bit of context:

I’m an adult who still lives with my parents and three older siblings. Since we all live together in a single wide trailer, and my siblings and I still share bedrooms (8x8 bedrooms), my parents decided to do an add-on. This way we can all have our own space (turning a single wide into a double-wide trailer). The trailer is also going from a flat roof to a pitched roof… Well, it’s mid-December and the roof isn’t finished. They just started putting the metal up, so we still have a tarp covering the new roof to keep rain and snow off.

What happened last night:

Last night I went to bed at my normal time; about 11 o’clock. Last night was very windy, which caused the paracord that was keeping the tarp from blowing away to snap and shake the whole trailer at about 3:30. The snapping was very loud and obviously the sudden shaking of the trailer woke everyone up, but it was still too dark to do much of anything. The tarp luckily didn’t blow away, but had just fallen low enough to cover the windows. This was apparently an issue for my cat, Tabby. For the next two and a half hours (3:30-5 something) my cat was jumping between my bed and my bedroom window, hissing and growling at the tarp whenever the wind picked up. I was able to finally fall back to sleep about 6… until 7:00 came around anyway. That’s when my sister was fully awake and freaking out about the tarp and pounding on the parent’s door.

So now my dad and two brothers were awake and up on the roof fixing the tarp. The old current roof isn’t something that you really want to stand on because it basically has no support. The trailer was built in the late 60s, and is starting to fall apart, which was another reason to build an add-on, so the old side of the trailer could get renovated…Basically, from inside, when someone is on the roof you can hear the ceiling cracking and watch the ceiling go down while someone is walking around on top… moving the trap and screwing the tarp into the rafters is also equally loud inside… I’m not annoyed with my dad and brothers for fixing the tarp early in the morning. The tarp needed to be fixed, so the add-on isn’t exposed to any weather… I’m annoyed with the fact that I was finally falling back to sleep at about 8:30 when my older brother woke me up at 8:40 to ask for a ride to work because he needed to be at work at 9.

While putting my shoes on and waiting for the car to warm up, I very grumpily told my dad about last night. He said that he wouldn’t mind driving my brother to work, but since I was already out of bed with my shoes on, I decided to drive my brother to work.

In total, I had about six and a half hours of sleep last night. I suppose I don’t have much to complain about. I just started my day out very grumpy… My dad thinks that I should go back to bed since I’m clearly exhausted because I kept saying “why didn’t my brother ask sooner, around 3:30?”… instead of 8:30, I kept saying 3:30… the issue with having insomnia is that it’s hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. Once I’m up, I’m up. I can’t even take naps.

#Personal Rant #Personal Venting #Insomia #So much for Saturday

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solardee · 2 years

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Okay so I have been INSANELY busy with all the shift changing, and learning stuff so I haven't drawn too much And it's about to get even busier next week so here have some concept art for Dawn's tower LOL Not entirely sure how I want the whole castle to look but I'm getting there. excuse my notes, I thought I put them on a DIFFERENT layer than my lineart. I was wrong.

#Dee art #Concept art #Doodles #sketches #Dawn's Tower #What am I doing? I have no idea #Drawing structures sucks but I want to have a basic idea for how this looks #Cause it's gonna get drawn a lot #The giant tree is fun tho #I like that part lol #I'm also struggling where to put Dawn's glass blowing hobby?#Obviously if it's on the roof then if it rains he's screwed #But then again he usually just sulks when the weather is wet #But if that's the case what's the smoke pipe for?#Maybe he just shouts into it like a pillow #since he'd set a normal pillow on fire #yeah sure that checks out #I'm tired lol #UTEV

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yourwildsimp · 3 years

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sweet confessions

includes: aizawa, y/n

warnings: mentions of nightmares

length: 1,986 words

summary: with neither of you able to sleep, trapped words are finally allowed to slip like melted butter.

Four in the morning was not the time to be up, especially on a work night. Well, a workday at this point. You should be in bed, surrounded by the fluffiest, warmest blankets on the softest mattress you could afford.

And yet? Here you were in the bathroom, washing your face with warm water, for what was the third time in a row. It was as if you were trying to slowly drown yourself. A yawn left your lips, strong enough to rock your body with violent yet satisfying shudders. You cursed your insomnia. You knew you were tired, so why couldn’t you fall asleep?

Something clattered in the kitchen, a hushed swear which broke the stillness of the shared apartment soon followed.

Was he up, too?

Your face heated up at the thought of your roommate. There had always been a spark between the two of you, but both of you dodged any confrontation. It was like fate danced you both around each other, curious to see who would take charge. Who would finally end this little game of cat and mouse? You didn’t think you had enough confidence to be the one to put a stop to the games you were playing and admit how hard you’ve fallen for him.

However, as life tugs you both along, curious things unfold.

You cracked open the bathroom door to peep out, holding your breath in case he was just outside. This was new to you, as Aizawa was typically asleep for as long as he could be. His record is 19 hours straight after a hard mission. Your record was nine hours, and you were damn proud of yourself for it, too.

You carefully stepped out after turning off the light, trying to creep back to your bedroom without getting caught. It’s not like you wanted to avoid Aizawa, you just didn’t want him to catch you up this late again. Though as soon as you took your first step out into the hallway, he spoke, the words making you freeze like a deer in headlights.

“What are you doing awake at this hour?” You swallowed around the lump in your throat as you stood straight.

“I thought you didn’t know I was up,” you said with a grin, but Aizawa could see how tired you were.

“I’m a pro-hero,” he hummed, a coffee mug warming his hands. “It’s almost insulting that you thought I didn’t notice you. Now, why are you up?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Mr. Pro-hero,” you retorted, earning a worn chuckle. The distant look in his eyes told you everything you needed to know to understand why he was awake as well.

Nightmares.

You knew all too well that Aizawa’s night terrors were a force to be reckoned with. On some nights he even woke up screaming or falling out of bed. Aizawa’s dreams were the only thing that could get such a strong reaction from him.

“Drinking coffee this late can’t be good for you,” you said, changing the subject rather quickly while you headed into the kitchen with your roommate. “Doesn’t a hero with your status need to stay healthy?”

“It’ll keep me up,” he murmured with a strange sort of solemnness infecting his tone.

You couldn’t stop the empathetic look from tainting your face even if you wanted to. You hated nothing more than watching as the hero business ate away at your best friend.

“Hey.” His voice took you from your thoughts. “We’re already up this late, and I doubt either of us will sleep soon, so. . .” Aizawa trailed off as you looked up at him. “So, come sit on the roof with me. Only for a bit.”

Your jaw nearly dropped to the floor before you caught yourself and nodded. You hoped that you didn’t look too head over heels for him, but little to your knowledge, Aizawa found your reaction cute.

“Sure, alright,” you said with a small smile, trying to sound nonchalant. You didn’t, but Aizawa didn’t comment on it, sparing your pride. “Ah, wait, let me grab a hoodie-”

“Don’t bother,” he said, just loud enough for you to hear him.

A smirk tainted your lips as you crossed your arms over your chest and accusingly leaned towards him.

“Oh, so you want me to freeze? That isn’t very heroic, mister.” The way you raised your eyebrows got him to spill a chuckle.

“I do not. You can just wear mine."

Leaving the conversation at that, he turned away before you ever saw the pink hue that dusted his face. It took you a second to let his words process before you were following after him like a lost puppy.

It's not a big deal. He's just being friendly and giving, as always. That's the lie you've always told yourself.

“How do we get up on the roof?" You asked as he led you on the small back porch.

Your small smile dropped entirely as he jumped and grabbed the edge of the roof, pulling himself up with practiced ease.

"All right, asshole, not everyone is a pro-hero, so-" You cut yourself off as soft cloth suddenly wrapped around you, acting as a safety harness.

He lifted you to the roof without breaking a sweat. And to be honest, that boosted your confidence by a few points.

"Such foul language doesn't belong in a pretty mouth like yours," Aizawa murmured, his calloused hands carefully pulling his scarf off of your shoulders. He left the cloth on your waist for you to take care of, as he didn't want to overstep any boundaries.

The scarf was the furthest thing from your mind as you hoped the dark sky hid your heavy blush.

He said I was… Pretty. Aizawa… called me pretty.

"You, um…" You tried to start a conversation to distract Aizawa from the fact you weren't removing his scarf. "You got up here stupidly fast. Do you do this often?"

He didn't comment on the matter of his scarf, silently using it to justify why he was sitting this close to you.

"I'm a stealth hero. I'm always jumping rooftop to rooftop," he reasoned, heavy eyes taking in the ever so familiar landscape.

"That's not what I asked," you prodded gently. "Do you come up here often, this late at night?"

You wanted him to trust you, to tell you what was obviously plaguing his thoughts or what had scared him sleepless this time. You were well aware trust wasn't given easily, especially for someone like him. Someone who's been hurt time and time again.

His jaw shifted, and you were too concerned about his mental health to think of how handsome he was with his sharp features.

"Sometimes. When the dreams aren't incredibly terrible," he muttered after a thick swallow.

You hummed to let him know that you understood, your body shifting a minuscule closer to his warmth. He noticed, and without a word pulled his hoodie over his head. You two were sitting so close that you needed to lean to the side to avoid getting elbowed.

"Hey, what are you-"

He smiled gently as he set the article in your lap, and the sight alone shut you up. He was gorgeous, basking in the never-sleeping city lights.

"Didn’t I tell you? You can wear my jacket if you're cold."

Be still your beating heart, because if it didn’t soon, you were sure he'd think someone was knocking at the door with how loud it was pounding against your ribs.

With a painfully flustered chuckle to fill the silence, you put it on. And, God, you'd be content dying surrounded by his scent of heavy rain and the forest. A small thank you filtered off your tongue. Using the visual excuse of adjusting how it pooled at your hips, you shifted ever closer.

"You know-"

"Sometimes-"

You had both gone to speak at the same time, earning a soft giggle from you and a deep chuckle from him.

"You go first," you offered with a gentle smile.

"Only if you go after, no matter what," he playfully demanded.

As you agreed, you watched his eyes lingered on you, something indescribable dancing behind the walls of charcoal. With a deep breath, he faced the horizon.

"Sometimes when I drive, I'll turn on the radio. Just to have some background noise. I don't pay attention to it, though, because most of the music is shit," Aizawa started, something in his chest swelling as you chuckled at him. "But then, when I was sitting in the UA teacher's parking lot, something hit me as I listened to a sappy song."

"What? That you're getting old?" You teased, trying to break some of the tension in his shoulders.

"I realized that all of a sudden, every love song was about you."

Your soft gasp sounded like a nuclear bomb to him and he screwed his eyes shut. He knew he should've stayed in bed.

"I..." Aizawa moved to stand. "I should go back to sleep," he finished rather quickly.

Your nibble fingers gripped his pants leg and he froze entirely, like a child who’d been caught eating candy past midnight.

"Hey… What happened to our little deal?" Your caring tone caused him to hesitate. "Please, Shouta, won't you hear what I have to say?"

Shouta. How pretty it sounded rolling off your tongue.

He swayed in the morning breeze, the very beginning of a sunrise highlighting his dark features. And then he sat, avoiding looking at you at all costs.

"As I was going to say before I was thankfully interrupted," you began, adjusting the sleeves of your (his) jacket. You took a deep breath, hyping yourself up to finally fess up as he did. "You know when you look at a kitten, you think of Shinsou? Or when you see candy apples, you think of Eri?" You asked, earning a stiff nod.

"Everything has started reminding me of you. From sleep bags to your favorite dark chocolates, and baggy clothes like the ones you rarely allow me to borrow, or a coffee mug you'd like. You're always running through my mind," you took a breath, needing to get some air after your fast-paced rant.

You both sat in heavy silence, the dew in the grass glinting from the rays of marigold that poured over the horizon.

"Can I do something stupid?" He asked quietly, shifting in his spot.

" 'Course. It's about time we swapped roles," you humored.

Smokey-colored eyes bored into yours as he faced you, Adam's apple bobbing as he gulped. You'd never seen him so… beautifully revealing.

Suddenly you were surrounded by warmth, Aizawa no longer looking at you. He hugged you so desperately, it was as if he thought you'd leave him. He scruff tickled your neck as he nuzzled into you, but you couldn't care less.

The way you didn't need to think twice about returning the hug made him smile against your skin. You both sat there on the roof, basking in rays of fresh morning sunlight, never letting go of each other.

"It was about losing you," Aizawa breathed, breaking the blissful silence. "My nightmare… In it, I had lost you forever."

You closed your eyes, one hand tenderly massaging his scalp with the other held him closer to you. "I'm right here, Shouta. I'm not going anywhere," you reassured, feeling his breathing pattern calm. "You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah…" He whispered, voice heavy with sleep and concern.

"Let's get back to bed, okay?" You murmured, feeling the weight of your feelings change from suffocating to soaring.

"Not yet. Please… I just wanna stay with you." Aizawa pulled you impossibly closer and you smiled.

"Whatever you wish, but don't blame me when you're sore tomorrow." You felt him chuckle as his eyes drooped shut.

" 'm always sore anyways."

#comfort #aizawa #aizawa x reader #aizawa x you #mha fluff #boku no hero fluff #poor baby really just needs a hug

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birthdaysentiment · 2 years

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I like to imagine sander coming home to robbe and robbe being the cute little shit he is keeps teasing sander and dodging all the kisses so sander just goes "where's my kiss :'(" and robbe is all "idk what you're talking about" so sander is like "I guess you won't get any treats from me then" so robbe goes "neeee I want your treats" to which sander replies "no, you're not getting any anymore" so robbe gives him the loveliest kisses of all with his arms wrapped around his body and sander is just in complete love with this baby

dear anon... if you know how I feel, why would you do this to me! oml this is so them and i can just imagine this scene with them

like you said, maybe sander is coming home to his little studio apartment, knowing robbe is there, since they always see each other on wednesdays after uni. it's been a particular exhausting and stressful day with lots of drawing-exercise classes, group meetings and annoying people, so sander can't wait to come home to robbe, to take him in his arms, hug him real tight, and not let go until they've at least been hugging for 10 minutes, before getting a kiss from his boyfriend. when sander enters the apartment, it smells of coffee... robbe knowing just what he needs after a long day (... and a dozen messages with sander complaining about everything, but promising to welcome him with lots of kisses and cuddles). there's also a distant smell of honey and cinnamon, of fresh sunflowers and rain dusted trees... it's the smell of robbe, the smell of home

sander calls out for robbe, asking where his kisses are, to which robbe comes with a cheeky answer, something like "come and get them yourself" or "i don't know what you're taking about". sander is not in the mood for this game, but he also loves it when robbe is being a little shit and teases him, because that means sander gets to tease robbe himself... robbe just got competition. he walks into the kitchen and sees robbe wearing his beige sweater, that are obviously too big for him, and sander nearly gives up with the sight of that. but robbe's smug grin makes sander even more determined to tease him, refusing him what he wants just as much himself

when robbe sees sander leaning against the doorframe, looking at him with that smile, he knows he hit the mark with his choice of clothes, and that his teasing is getting to him... but robbe also knows sander better than anyone, so behind that lovesick smile lies a smirk, that robbe wants to take away. sander walks closer to him, making robbe back up against the counter, having to support himself with his hands on the table. sander is so close to him right now, their chests almost touching and the tension between them is through the roof... robbe is so screwed. sander leans in and just when robbe thinks he's about to kiss him, he moves his lips to his ear, whispering with that voice (that says... payback is a bitch), "i guess you won't get any treats from me either then", and then he grabs his coffee and walks out of the kitchen... but not before he turns around, lifting his eyebrows a little and gives robbe that look

as sander walks to his room to change his clothes he knows it won't take robbe more than 30 second to come after him, whining about not getting anything from him... and rightfully so, after only 20 seconds it's now robbe who's leaning against the doorframe, looking at sander with his big brown eyes, his pout and arms across his chest... and damn it, robbe knows his weakness just as much as he knows robbe's. "it's not fair take something like that aways from me... you know I can't live without your treats".even though he tried to hold it in, he can't help but snort and hold out his hand for robbe to take... "come here, baby", and who is robbe to refuse that. the next thing sander knows is robbe jumping into his arms, wrapping his arms and legs around sander's body and giving him the warmest, most comforting hug ever and sander lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. robbe unwraps his legs and let them touch the floor before giving sander the sweetest, most wonderful kiss ever, and they both couldn't be happier about it. so i guess both robbe and sander got the treat they wanted.

#cille's asks #cille's random sobbe thoughts #another essay no one asked for #wtfock #wtfam #sobbe

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ur-riddikulus · 3 years

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Fear and Cuddles (Thor Odinson)

Pairing: Thor x Y/N.

Summary: You are afraid of storms and go into Thor’s room one night because he calms you down. Then he figures out and forces you to admit this to him.

Warnings: Just pure fluff and the obviousness of them loving each other and needing to get together. This may suck but honestly it’s just meant to be a short cute story.

As another roll of thunder shook the compound, you buried yourself under more covers. You were shaking in fear, the lightning flashing across the sky.

It was probably around 2 or 3 am, but honestly you didn’t know. Fear was weird, making the hours start to blend together at this point. But it could have also just been exhaustion. You hadn’t been able to sleep all night, too afraid to from the raging storm outside.

Screw this, I’m an Avenger for God’s sake, I can deal with one storm. You thought to yourself, but that confidence immediately left when moments later, another round of lightning streaked across the sky.

Everyone was probably calmly asleep, with not a care in the world. You have never been more envious of your team mates. You were so, so tired and had a long day tomorrow, but sleep wasn’t even an option with your anxiety through the roof all night.

Your heart was beating so fast you thought you were having a stroke. Maybe I’m dying? You thought. At least it would take you out of your misery. After all, you can’t be scared when you’re dead. But even you were not that lucky, you supposed.

You had been battling yourself since the storm had started. Should you go to Thor’s room or not? You haven’t because it was so embarrassing, what adult was terrified of storms? But you had been friends for years, and he was just across the halls. He helped you through everything and you were too scared to be alone right now.

“No, I am not a child. I’ll be fine right here.” You promised yourself for the umpteenth time. You were resolved, you weren’t going to run into his room and bother him with something as dumb as your ridiculous fear of storms.

But when you heard wind rattling the trees in the night and huge bolts lightning light up the night sky, you were a goner. So, being the coward you were, you finally had enough. You ran out of the room, your shaking legs taking you quickly across the hall and outside the door of Thor’s room. You knocked, just to be polite, but when you heard nothing you just assumed he was sleeping. So you just quietly opened the door, tiptoed over to his bed, and crawled into it beside him.

He was snoring, loudly and deeply. If you weren’t terrified of waking him up and of course, the raging storm outside, you probably would have laughed.

You were crawling into bed very slowly, pausing whenever he would shift or a break would come in his snoring. When you were finally tucked into his bed, beside him, you were enveloped in his smell. Pine tree, the smell of rain, and a scent that was just...Thor. You breathed it in deep, the mix of it all making you feel safe and protected from the violent storm outside.

Your fear soon started washing washing away and you could feel your eyes suddenly start to droop when he moved, turning in your direction. You immediately held still, careful to not move in order to not possibly wake up the god.

He snuggled into you, holding you close and putting an arm around you. Then, his deep snores started once more. As awkward as this position was, it relaxed you even more. Thor was simply your best friend, nothing more. But you couldn’t help but be secretly glad that he was in this close, intimate position with you.

You ignored the fluttering of your heart, guessing that it was just all the anxiety you had been through that night. You leaned in and cuddled with him as well. Moments later, thunder shook the compound the loudest it had all night, but you didn’t care. You were finally calm and sleeping, a faint smile on your face as you were tucked in next to the Avenger.

You heard noises before you opened your eyes the next morning. It sounded like a shower was being turned on. You ignored it and decided to go back to bed, snuggling back into the comfy covers. Then, before you drifted back to sleep, you noticed it. Thor’s scent was all over these covers. It made no sense, none at all. That was, until you remembered last nights events. The big storm, your fear, you sneaking in and cuddling with Thor.

You shot up, cheeks blazing from embarrassment. How were you going to explain this to him? The bed was empty beside you, so you knew he was in the shower. He had to see you this morning, you were hugging him like a giant teddy bear for God’s sake.

You didn’t want anyone to know of your fear. Why would you? The rest of the Avengers went through hell and back and lived to tell the tale. They feared nothing. While you turned into a statue if you heard one roll of thunder. There was no way to get out of this. And you definitely couldn’t face him, what were you going to say? “Sorry, I am a huge baby and crawled into your bed last night because of a storm, then you cuddled me and I loved it and haven’t slept that good in years?” No, absolutely no way. You didn’t need to add even more embarrassment onto this already huge list of things to be embarrassed about.

You looked at the door, wishing you could somehow magically teleport back into your room, where you were supposed to be. Maybe your friendship could survive this, of course considering that he even wanted to be friends with you after this, the girl who crawled into bed with him at 2 am without his consent. You could just ignore it, never talk about it, and with time, maybe it will be back to normal.

You were about to run to the door when you heard the shower stop running and Thor get out of it. The bathroom door was open, and soon you saw him saunter out of it with a towel wrapped about his waist, water droplets still streaming down his chest and v-line.

Your eyes immediately opened wide at that sight. No wonder he’s a god. He was the hottest, most attractive man you’ve ever seen. Of course, as close friends you saw him shirtless sometimes, and you always thought he was attractive (I mean, you would have to be blind to not see it) but it never made you feel this...starstruck before. He was turned around, going through his dresser for clothes. So, you did the only thing you could think of it that moment.

You leaned back down and faked being asleep.

Sure, it was a coward’s move. But your pride was long gone. You already knew you were a coward last night when you crawled into bed with him.

He finished going through his clothes, picking them out and you could hear the fabric rustling so you assumed he was getting dressed. Once the sound stopped, you felt his gaze harden on you. You had to fight the urge to not move while feigning sleep, but knowing that he was staring at you was making it pretty hard.

You felt the bed dip down under his weight as he got on it beside you and snuggled right back into you like the way you were together last night.

He moved your hair behind your ear and put his lips right next to your ear. You had to fight yourself to not give him more access to your neck, which was ridiculous. Why were you being so weird around Thor lately?

You felt him breath on your ear. “I know you're awake, Y/N.” Thor said in a singsongy voice.

Your heart dropped. How were you going to explain this? In your head, you knew that Thor was a kind and understanding person, but that didn’t mean you wanted to admit that you, someone whose literally job it is to face villains, couldn’t face a storm. You just didn’t want to get laughed at.

You sighed and opened your eyes. “Surprise?” You said. Maybe you could joke your way out of this mess. He loved jokes, and you knew that his big heart would trust that you weren’t lying to him.

He smiled his trademark dazzling smile and you automatically felt more comfortable, as you always felt when you were around him. You weren’t thinking about the situation you just got yourself into, all you could think of was, “Why wasn’t Thor the god of beauty? He certainly fits the job description.”

“Uh...thank you?” He said with a little laugh and a confused look on his face.

“Oh shit...did I just say that out loud?” You’re cheeks grew red and you started to hate yourself so much for how embarrassing you are

“Maybe, but I find it very endearing.” Thor replied, still smiling.

You had to clear your head, but whenever you were around him recently, you couldn’t. You shook your head quickly to try to gain any brain cells you had left. When you looked back up you saw Thor looking at you thoughtfully.

“So, not that I didn’t love sharing a bed with you, Y/n, but why were you in my bed last night? I wasn’t aware we had scheduled what you mortals call a ‘sleep over’.”

You swallowed thickly, quickly going in between answers to this question in your head. Should you say that you were possessed and woke up here? That you were just wanting to snuggle with your best friend for the night? You audibly sigh, you never were a good liar.

“Are you okay,Y/N?” You looked up at him and his worried expression. Thor was the kindest person you had ever met, and he never failed to make your day better. He didn’t deserve to be told a lie from his best friend. Especially when you know how much he hates lies, understandably because he was told them all the time from Loki, his mischievous younger brother.

This was it. Were you going to lie and keep your fear to yourself? Or tell the truth and possibly bear the humiliation?

“Thor, I came into your room last night because I was scared. I’m afraid of storms and you always calm me down so I went in here to feel better. I’m so, so, so sorry. Really, it was-”

He cut you off by putting a finger up and saying, “Wait...you came into my room because you were scared?

“Uh...yeah?” “I calm you down and make you feel better, really?

Okay, not the way you thought this conversation was going to go at all, but at least he wasn’t focusing on your embarrassing fear.

“Yeah, of course you do. Are you not mad or something?” You asked. Why was he caring about that?

After saying that, then he looked at you like you were an idiot. “Why would I be mad? That’s the kindest thing anyone’s ever said to me. And many people have something to be afraid of, me included.”

You smile at Thor, just relieved that he was such a kind person. You had nothing to be nervous about, he would always be there for you. You were curious about him mentioning that he has a fear but then just decided that was a conversation for another time.

“Thor, you are the sweetest person alive, I hope you know that.”

You both smiled and enjoyed each other’s presence. You were so grateful for such a great person in your life.

Thor yawned before saying, “You know, I was going to work out but seeing you so comfy in bed makes me want to go back to bed. Want to sleep in?”

You give Thor a look. “Only if you make me waffles when we wake up.”

He rolled his eyes. “You humans and your weird breakfasts.”

You laughed and scooted over on the bed to make room for Thor. He got more comfortable and you moved back to cuddle with him almost immediately without even having to think about it, it was just instinct for you now.

You soon went to bed but before you fell back into deep sleep, you barely heard the comforting voice of Thor say, “I love you, Y/N.” before finally dozing off. Loud thunder could be heard once more in the room but you didn't care. You were finally cozy and cuddling with your favorite Avenger, his presence keeping the fear at bay.

#thor #thor x reader #thor x y/n #thor x you #avengers #the avengers #marvel #mcu #thor odinson #thor fanfiction #fluff #thor fluff #cute #one bed #love #friends to lovers #chris hemsworth #hope this doesn't suck

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kaistarus · 4 years

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Surprise First Dates

Pairing: Nishinoya X Reader

Words: 3.9K

Summary: Noya wants your first date to be a surprise. His plans have a track record for ending in worst case scenario, so fingers crossed your night doesn’t end in complete disaster.

Notes: This could be thought of as a sequel to this fic, although you don’t need to read it to enjoy this one. It ended up pretty up a little long... but I love Noya so what can I say. It was bound to happen :)

Masterlist // Ko-Fi

You kept your eyes glued to the sidewalk as you walked beside Noya on a late autumn night. In your fall jacket pockets you fiddled with the ends of your sleeves in an attempt to calm the irregular beating of your heart. Internally, you cursed yourself for behaving so awkwardly.

Briefly you glanced over to Noya to see how he was fairing, but tore your eyes away when they met his curious amber stare dead on. In your peripheral you saw him tighten his grip on the straps of his backpack he’d brought for some reason before clearing his throat.

“You, uh, look really pretty by the way.”

“Oh, um, thank you,” your cheeks warmed and you squeezed your eyes shut. You needed to snap out of this before Noya thought something was wrong. “So, where are we going?”

“Surprise.”

You looked back over with a raised brow, “Well, what are we doing?”

“Surprise.”

“Okay, well what’s in the backpack?”

He met your suspicious gaze with a half-assed glare, “do you know what surprise means?”

“Obviously. I’m just trying to guess if it’s illegal or not.”

He scoffed. “Like I would ever do something illegal.”

You deadpanned at his response and he smirked back with a mischievous glint in his eyes that left you all kinds of suspicious. The only thing you knew about this date was that he seemed really panicked yesterday when the forecast said it might rain. As you scanned the sky now, however, there wasn’t a cloud in sight. There was a bit of a chilled breeze, but that was to be expected this time of year.

“So…” Noya picked at the straps hanging down on the backpack, “how was your day?”

“It was good,” you smiled to yourself and kicked a small rock that appeared in your path. “I chose the book I’m gonna write about for the essay we have for Tuesday. Haven’t actually started it though.”

Noya whipped his head toward you with his eyes wide. “We have an essay!? What are you-” He froze in realization and slowly turned back toward his shoes. “I mean… Yeah, heh, I haven’t started that either.”

You bit your bottom lip to hold back a laugh and nodded shortly. The path you were taking started to become a little too familiar; you'd recognized it as one you took nearly every day. Although it wouldn’t make sense for Noya to be taking you there...

“So, how’s practice going? You have nationals soon, right?”

“It’s awesome!” A huge smile covered his face. “I’ve been practicing overhand receives and Rolling Thunder, of course. Kageyama, Shoyo, and Four Eyes were selected for training camps which is good for us-well, Shoyo didn’t. This guy snuck in, which is fucking hilarious and I’m so proud of him. Daichi was pissed though, holy shit.”

You smiled fondly as he ranted on which seemed to throw him off once he realized how animated he’d become. His cheeks turned pink when he turned to you and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry. I mean, it’s all good. I think we have a shot of doing really good this year.”

“That’s awesome,” you gave him a lopsided smile. “I can’t wait to watch you.”

“Really? You’re coming?”

“I mean, is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s more than okay.” You watched him smile to himself as he examined the path ahead. “I just wasn’t sure if you’d want to.”

“Of course I do.” You picked at the material of your sleeves again as your heart rate increased. “Hey, what’s a Rolling Thunder?”

“Oh, it’s when I receive the ball with one arm and then I… on the... “ He grimaced, “you know what? Nevermind.”

You raised an eyebrow, but decided it wasn’t worth pressing the matter. The school’s main building came into view in the distance, so it turned out you were right. He had been leading you toward school.

“I thought you didn’t like school?”

“Oh I hate school with every fiber of my being,” Noya confirmed before pulling a set of keys from his jacket, “but we’re not heading there.”

You looked at him wearily, but followed him past the hauntingly empty main building. Realization only hit you when you began cutting through the courtyard toward the athletics area. “Are we breaking into the volleyball gym?”

“It’s not breaking in if I have the key,” he said confidently, the keys jingling as he spun them around his finger. You hummed doubtfully at his unsound logic.

“You normally carry the gym key?”

“It’s usually Daichi, but he trusts me.” He said while you continued eyeing him with disbelief. “Fine, I agreed to finish late night cleaning for the next few weeks.”

“Gross,” you grimaced.

“Yeah, but it’s worth it.”

A smile crept onto your face as you watched Noya unlock the doors to the gymnasium-only failing three times before finding the right key. Noya bowed like a mock gentleman to gesture you into the gym, and you briefly wondered what could be so exciting about the volleyball gymnasium at night. Especially interesting enough that he would offer to do cleaning.

You bent down to slide your feet out of your outdoor shoes-setting them aside-before stepping onto the gym’s linoleum flooring before addressing Noya, “are we playing volleyball or something?”

It was really the only conclusion you could come to as you observed the room illuminated solely by the moonlight outside; the barred windows casting elongated shadows on the floor. It was eerie seeing the place normally filled with rambunctious boys so silent.

“Nah, I’m all volleyballed out for today,” Noya claimed, seated at the entrance to pull his sneakers off. “Besides, I’ve got tons of my own stuff at home, so we can do that anytime we want.”

Your chest tightened at the implication of his words, but his expression seemed nonchalant as he strolled past you toward a staircase that led to the overhang. Maybe he meant friends hanging out and playing volleyball together and you were the one who jumped to the dating conclusion. A blush crept up your neck as you focused intently on the hood of his sweatshirt while trailing behind him.

You needed to calm down. You weren’t even halfway through the first date.

You snuck a glance down at his free hand that swung carelessly beside him and wondered if it would be weird for you to grab it. People held hands on dates, right? Not that you had been on one, but that definitely was something that went along with dates. He was probably expecting it to happen too...

You furrowed your brow while probably overthinking something miniscule when you abruptly ran into Noya’s back.

“Are you okay?”

“Yep,” you answered while rubbing your aching nose. You realized Noya had led you to a door you’d never noticed on the far end of the viewing area. “Are we, uh, going in there? Where’s this lead?”

“Roof.” He unlocked the door more easily this time, once again signaling for you to enter first. You cocked your head to the side, mulling his answer over before narrowing your eyes at him.

“We’re definitely not allowed up there, Noya.”

“I have the keys though.” He said, jingling them for emphasis.

You groaned while debating the pros and cons of your situation. Cons were getting caught could get you in serious trouble with the school, while pros were you would get to continue your date with Noya. You let out a deep sigh before taking the first step up the staircase followed by Noya’s triumphant fist pump. You rolled your eyes fondly at how much of a freaking dork he was, but it still made your chest warm.

You were so screwed.

You opened the door at the top of the staircase with a nod of acceptance. The breeze was way chillier at that higher level and you wrapped your arms around yourself after stepping your socked-feet onto the frigid concrete roof. You made your way to the metal railing, which stung your hands at how cold it was as you looked over your small prefecture. The lights illuminated the darkness and even from this height you could admire how the street lamps decorated the dark.

“Okay, I’ll give. This is pretty awesome,” you looked over your shoulder adorning a smile that turned to confusion when you saw Noya in the center of the roof opening his backpack. “What are you doing?”

“Stuff,” he muttered, pulling out a folded piece of cotton fabric from his bag. You watched him puzzled as he shook it open to reveal a large blanket-dark red with volleyballs everywhere-and spread it across the ground.

You walked up to him as he kneeled down to straighten it all out and smirked, “cute blanket.” You teased.

“Shut up, my sister got it for me.” he grumbled, which only made you smile wider. Your cheeks were beginning to hurt with how much you’d been smiling that night.

After nodding to himself that the blanket was to his satisfaction Noya laid down, glanced up at you, and patted a space beside him. You tilted your head in confusion, but followed his lead by crawling near him and lying on your back.

A few moments of silence passed and you glanced over to Noya. His face was bright red and you furrowed your brow, puzzled. You turned back toward the sky to mull over your thoughts. Why was Noya so nervous all of a sudden? He’d been completely fine all night. If anything you’d been the one who was a nervous wreck.

You took a deep breath and just let yourself admire how beautiful the moon was. It was nearly full so it was bright enough that you go without a flashlight, but not enough to overpower the stars that speckled the ebony sky. You were fortunate to live in a smaller prefecture and not somewhere like Tokyo-even the smallest stars could shine bright in your sky.

You really had gotten lucky with the change in weather. It was a perfect night for-

“Are we stargazing?” You asked, whipping your head toward him so fast you nearly got whiplash. His mouth was set into a straight line and he nodded slowly while avoiding your eyes. Your jaw fell slack at the admission. “Shut. Up.”

“I didn’t say anything,” He said, his tone offended when he turned to you with a scrunched up nose.

“Sorry, that’s not what I-” You flopped back onto your back and let out a breathy laugh. “I’m just surprised.”

“Oh… a good surprised?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

You heard the smile in his voice and it set off a flurry of butterflies in your stomach. For someone who you’d tried to convince yourself you hadn’t liked he was having an obnoxious affect on you tonight. You had an arm slung over your stomach while the other laid limply on the blanket and when you peeked down you noticed his was lying conspicuously close to yours, drumming his fingers anxiously against the ground.

You weren’t stupid. You could connect dots. You glared at your own hand as you begged it to move just several inches over, and cursed every second that it wouldn’t. You sighed in defeat and a shot of panic pulsed through you when Noya chuckled.

“What are you doing?”

You looked at his amused half-smile nervously, “what do you mean?”

“You looked like you were trying to poop.” Noya laughed lightly causing a blush to cover your face and you pulled that hand away embarrassed. His eyes widened at your reaction, “but like in a cute way.”

“Poop in a cute way?” You asked, dumbfounded at the concept.

“Yes?” He cringed at his answer before sighing and poking you in the bicep with puppy-dog eyes. “I’m sorry. Can you please put your hand back? I was trying to nonchalantly hold it after fifteen minutes of awkward tension.”

You pretended to contemplate before lying it back on the blanket. Instead of the promised fifteen minutes though Noya just grabbed your hand unexpectedly and your chest tightened in surprise. Your heart exploded at how weird it felt-not in a bad way, but in a comfortable and normal way. You liked how easily his fingers fit interlocked with yours and you nibbled on your bottom lip to stop yourself from smiling like an absolute idiot.

“Want to see something really impressive?”

You hummed in agreeance, not trusting yourself to form proper sentences at the moment, and saw Noya point to the sky in your peripheral vision.

“So that really bright one. That’s the end of the little dipper,” He said with a nervous tint to his voice. “Which is kind of basic, but there are cooler ones like cygnus which is really just a sky umbrella. That’s those two over there for the bottom...” he pointed around while continuing to describe the sky, looking over every few moments to make sure you were following. You nodded in acknowledgment when you found the ones he spoke about and your heart skipped at the excited smile that would filter onto his face.

“My favorite is triangulum though because what kind of constellation is a triangle? Also, did you know Hercules is just a bunch of squiggles?” He scoffed while drawing a pattern into the sky with one eye closed. “Like, he’s a Disney hero. You’d think he’d get something cooler than that.”

“How do you know this?” You eventually asked, rolling onto your side to admire how nice he looked illuminated by the soft light cast from the moon. His hand in yours flexed and he turned toward you with a nervous smile.

“Would you believe that I have a random interest in stars that no one’s ever known about?”

“Not particularly.”

He laughed nervously and began fiddling with the blonde part of his hair, then eyed you carefully. “Promise you won’t laugh?”

You chewed on the inside of your cheek while you mulled it over, “I suppose.”

He rolled onto his side, as well, and you gave his hand a light squeeze for encouragement. “I may or may not have studied the constellations.”

Your eyebrows shot to your hairline at the confession, “why would you--you hate homework.”

“It wasn’t homework,” he rolled his eyes. “I just… really wanted to impress you.” He dragged a hand down his face. “I don’t know. Now it sounds stupid.”

“Noya…” You brought your conjoined hands forward to softly press your fist against his face, smushing his cheek. “I already think you’re cool.”

“Wait, seriously?” He leaned into your knuckles with a confused brow raised. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” you laughed.

He let his eyes fall closed with a breathy laugh. As he nuzzled gently against your hand you let yourself truly live in the moment, take in the serene smile on his face and feel the softness of his cheek against your skin. It was so surreal seeing him calm like this-a complete flip from his usual chaotic behavior at school. Being able to see him truly at peace like this filled your chest with a sense of pride.

“I know I’m not like the best at all of this, but I…” An eye peeked open as he spoke and you felt yourself tensing to combat the nervousness in his voice. “I really want to try.”

His sudden confession hit you like a train and you fumbled over the right thing to say, but the words you wanted were stuck in your throat.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have-” He winced at himself. “It’s just I like you and I’m having a lot of fun so… but I understand if you don’t like me like-”

“You really like me?” You asked, hopefully. “You mean it, no bull shit?”

His eyebrows rose and he looked absolutely baffled. He released your hand-your heart sunk at the sudden cold-but he quickly reclaimed it, cradling the back while he pressed it against the center of his chest. You looked up in surprise when you felt his heart pounding rapidly against your palm. He stared back at you with a determined gleam in his eyes, but his cheeks were a rosey shade of pink.

“No bull shit.”

He looked at you so earnestly and all you could was stare back in awe. This idiot just barrelled through every ounce of nerve he had and it was all you could do to maintain eye contact. You felt his grip loosening as the hope leaked from his eyes with each second you remained silent. After everything he’d done-the surprise date, studying to impress you, trying to ask you out again-there’s no way you would be the reason this didn’t work out.

Your gaze flickered down to his lips as they moved quickly with nervous chatter that you were too in your head to hear. He deserved something equally bold, you thought, as your hand resting on his chest fisted the material of his sweatshirt, beginning to pull him forward.

“But my sister was like, ‘Yuu no one will like you if you can’t match your socks’ and I was like ‘get out of the bathroom I’m trying to take a-” He paused with a deer-in-headlights stare as you began leaning toward him. “Are you about to punch me?”

You blinked in surprise at his conclusion. “What?”

“Oh my god, were you going to kiss me?” His mouth went slack as a blush crept onto your cheeks. “Holy fuck. Okay, wait-no, don’t wait. I’m ready-wait-I’ve never kissed anyone so don’t have high expecta-”

You rolled your eyes before leaning the rest of the way to press your lips against his. The angle was pretty awkward, your bicep hurt from the awkward position you were propping yourself into, but it was definitely your new favorite way of shutting him up. The kiss probably would have been better if Noya wasn’t all tensed up and not participating though.

When you pulled back you were comforted that Noya’s face was equally as crimson as yours probably was, except he was completely spaced out. You cocked your head and waved a hand in front of his face, jumping in surprise when he jolted up to sitting.

“That wasn’t fair,” he said, pointing an accusatory finger down at you. “I wasn’t ready.”

“Noya, you literally said, ‘I’m ready’.” You snorted, pushing yourself up to sit cross-legged across from him.

“Yeah, but I was still talking!” He said frantically, leaning close into your personal bubble.

“You’re always talking,” you pushed his face back, but he grabbed your hand with pleading eyes. Your heart was fighting hard to beat out of your ribcage from the kiss alone and him being this close was going to give you cardiac arrest.

“Well, I always have something important to say.”

You shook free of his grip and flopped onto your back again. It was your easiest escape route from the conversation. If you had to keep looking at him you were probably going to pass out or something pathetic.

You tried to calm yourself by searching for one of the constellations Noya had explained to you earlier in the night, but was rudely interrupted when Noya’s face replaced the sky. You took a sharp inhale when he placed his hands on either side of your head to help prop himself above you. His gaze dragged slowly across your face with hooded eyes and you decided that he really was intent on killing you that night.

He opened and closed his mouth several times before finally, barely above a whisper, he asked, “can I kiss you?”

Before you could even finish nodding he was pressing his lips against yours. Your eyes widened in surprise, but you quickly sunk into the moment absorbed in the contrast now that you were both fully participating.

As his lips moved slowly against yours you anxiously struggled with what you were supposed to do with your arms. He had shifted onto his forearms so the warmth from his chest radiated across your own, and as your heartbeat in a frenzy you wondered if he could feel it’s rhythm every time your chests pressed together. His fingers became interwoven in your hair and instinctually you gripped at the cotton fabric near his waist to keep yourself grounded.

You realized then that these careful, long kisses with Noya under the moon’s glow might be the most romantic moments in your entire life.

Eventually you had to pull apart, only enough to lay your foreheads against each other while taking exhausted breaths. When your eyes met you both took a moment to take each other in before he broke out into a dopey smile that you couldn’t help but mirror.

“So,” he started casually. “Does this mean you like me too?”

“No, Noya,” you began sarcastically, bringing your hands up to smash his cheeks together. “I spend all of my Saturday’s making out with random people on rooftops.”

“Well, I don’t know.” He gave a half-assed glare that did no damage with his face smushed together. “I just want to make sure I don’t misread anything.”

“I don’t know how you could possibly misread this,” you snorted, dropping your arms back to your sides.

“You’d be surprised what I’m capable of,” he said, propping himself up while wiggling his eyebrows.

You snorted, pushing against his chest to roll him off of you which he did with an exaggerated whine. A bubble of laughter left you and your head rolled to the side to face him with a bright smile.

“I like you,” you clarified for him, chest tightening at the sun rivaling smile that filled his face. “A lot.”

“Cool,” he let out a breathy laugh and swung an arm over his eyes. You saw him biting down his lip while the corners of his mouth fought their way into a smile. The butterflies in your stomach were in a frenzy over how absolutely adorable he was. You still had a hard time processing that this was actually happening to you.

Noya then turned back to you with a more mischievous look in his eye, “you realize what this means, right?”

“No?”

“It means I get to tell everyone that you have a crush on me,” he smirked, seeming incredibly satisfied with himself.

“Oh no,” your hand flew to your mouth in mock horror, “but my reputation.”

“If anything, I’m going to improve your reputation tenfold.” He rolled onto his stomach so he could grab one of your hands again which you offered to him willingly. Noya’s adoring smile as he played with your fingers made it hard to keep teasing him.

“That’s the opposite of what’s going to happen,” you watched him fondly and your clearly content demeanor didn’t match the mocking words. “Is it too late to take it all back?”

“Oh yeah,” he said, interlocking your fingers together. “You like me. I heard it, and now I’m going to brag about it to anyone within hearing distance.”

“No,” you whined. “You’re the worst.”

“Probably,” He laughed, dragging your conjoined hands to rub the back of your hand against his cheek, “but you get to deal with me now.”

Your eyes softened as he nuzzled against your hand. You couldn’t argue with him on that one, and truth be told you didn’t even hate the idea of everyone knowing about your feelings for Noya. At that moment, you sort of wanted to scream about them over the gymnasium rooftop’s railings for all of Miyagi to hear about.

So, if he wanted to tell every person he ran into that he was officially your problem then who were you to stop him.

#nishinoya yuu #nishinoya x reader #nishinoya yu x reader #nishinoya yū #nishinoya yu #nishinoya headcanons #nishinoya oneshot #nishinoya fluff #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #nishinoya imagine

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noladyme · 3 years

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La Cuervo - Epilogue

We’ve come to the end of the story of Angel and Nina. Thank you to everyone who commented, reblogged and liked. Every one of you inspired me to keep writing. Thank you for reading.

She is used to the biker-life, having grown into a woman in the familiar embrace of SAMCRO. A bad decision and a gun-shot later, she gets whisked off to Santo Padre, and put under the protection of another club. What is supposed to be a short stint in the Mayan headquarters just north of the border to Mexico, turns into something more; when la quervo begins to develop feelings for el angel - and he seems to return them in kind...

TW: violence, blood, drug use, alcohol, smut, fluff, angst

In the spirit of "The Crown Princess of Charming", this is a story about O.C. Nina and Angel Reyes. It is obviously non-canon, as characters who have passed on, on Mayans M.C., are present in it, and others have been excluded completely. Nina is written as a cis-female, but I have tried to keep her race and looks as ambiguous as possible. Should you find any of this story offensive, please let me know.

Epilogue.

It was an especially cloudy day for a bike-ride. He looked up at the sky, and prayed to his mother it wouldn’t rain. It was already too cold for short sleeves, and he regretted not having listened when he’d been told to put on a hoodie under his cut that morning. The precious cargo behind him shifted in her seat. The bump pressed against his back was restless as well, he felt; from the tiny kicks he was receiving to his kidneys. “You alright?”, Angel called over his shoulder. “Yeah… she’s just antsy…”, Nina replied. “We’re almost there”, he smiled. “Good. I gotta pee”. “Shit. Again?”. “Blame your daughter”, she chuckled. “Be nice to your mama, chiquita!”, Angel chuckled, addressing the cantaloupe-sized treasure in his amor’s belly.

Charming was a nice place. He could understand why Nina loved it there, but the stares their caravan was getting made him uncomfortable. The people in the small town looked at him and his brother’s as if they were gods – which in and of itself he didn’t mind – but it was a lot different than what he was used to from Santo Padre, where the Mayans were accepted and even feared; but not looked to as saviors and protectors, as the Sons of Anarchy were in Charming. His discomfort came from realizing that he’d like to be viewed as the Sons were here, back home. Becoming a Mayan had originally been about the pussy and the bikes; but lately, he felt the need to make a difference to the people in his community. Help the people who needed it; like the undocumented immigrants and the people trying to cross the border for a better life. Nina was doing what she could for those the club had gotten over so far, but it was still something they needed to keep quiet about – especially if he wanted to avoid seeing his daughter grow up from behind a plexiglass window.

They drove up to what looked like a warehouse-building; but he knew was the home of CaraCara. Pulling up next to EZ’s bike, he smiled as his brother gave Nina a hand to get off his own. “Centre of gravity seems a bit off, hermanita”, EZ chuckled. “Screw you… And move! I gotta pee…”, she sneered, and sprang for the nearest door of the warehouse. The brand-new Mayan patch moved up and down on EZ’s back, as he laughed; watching her run. Angel smiled at the sight, before patting his brother’s shoulder. “My kids got some kick”, he said. “Reina del baile, huh?”, EZ smiled. “You’re gonna have to keep an eye on her when she’s older”. “She ain’t going out dancing until she’s as old as pap’”, Angel declared. “Yo! Are you two gonna keep staring at the pregnant lady run; or are you gonna come inside?”, Bishop called after them. The two of them grinned, and followed their patch-brothers inside the large building.

They were greeted by Chibs, Happy and Tig; the latter having to tear himself away from a strikingly tall woman, to come welcome them. The woman stayed by the bar in the large room, talking quietly with a pretty blonde woman behind it. Once the initial back and forth between the presidents were over, Chibs turned to Angel, and pulled him in for a friendly half-hug. “Did you forget someone in San Pad?”, the SAMCRO president asked. “Nah, man. She’s going to the bathroom every 45 minutes”, Angel chuckled. “Filip!”, Nina called out from behind them, and Angel turned around to watch her make a waddling run over to her Charming brothers. Once they’d all embraced, Happy looked down at Nina’s belly. “You did this?”, he asked Angel. “So she tells me”, Angel grinned. Nina punched his shoulder, making him have to take a few steps back. Getting knocked up had oddly enough made her even stronger than usual. “You knew I was pregnant”, she said. “Yeah, but…”. Chibs blew out a deep breath. “You’re huge, luv’!”. “I’m not that big…”, Nina whimpered. Angel walked up behind her, and kissed her temple. “You’re beautiful, mami”, he smiled, before looking to the Sons. “You told me to get her to quit smoking”, he grinned, and rubbed his hand protectively over Nina’s bump. “Yeah, but it seems like you took an alternative approach to that, man”, Tig chuckled.

Nina was shifting on her feet. “You gotta pee again?”, Angel asked. “No… Just gotta sit down. My feet are killing me”. He led her over to sit on the couch that looked the least like it had been used as a prop, in one of the movies produced by CaraCara. The tall woman and the blonde came over to greet Nina, and the three of them hugged each other tightly; with both of the other women stroking Nina’s belly, and cooing at it. “I’m Venus”, the tall woman said, and reached out her hand to him. “And I’m guessing you’re Angel… That’s a lovely name”. “Stop flirting with my old man”, Nina grinned. “You got your own!”. “I sure do!”, Venus said, and held out her hand; proudly displaying an engagement ring. “Oh my god!”, Nina exclaimed. “Congrats!”. She hugged Venus tightly again. “I’m Lyla”, the blonde said, and smiled at Angel. “Nice to meet you”, he replied.

Angel let the three women catch up, and walked over to talk to the other men. “The estrogen-level is through the roof in here!”, Creeper grinned. “That’s just the smell of cheap perfume and artificial sperm”, Chibs said. “Artificial?”, Gilly said. “You’d be surprised how many porn-actors find it hard to produce actual cum, after 13 takes; no matter how hot the actress”, Happy laughed. “I don’t think I’d find it that hard”, Coco smirked. The door opened, and a sea of beautiful women entered the warehouse. “Feel free to give it a shot”, Tig said to the wide-eyed Mayan.

“I thought this was supposed to be a business-meeting. Not a party”, Taza said. “Who says we can’t mix the two?”, Chibs said. “But you’re right. We should get to it”. Tig turned towards the three women on the couch. “Muffin, it’s time!”, he called out. Nina frowned, but let herself be pulled to her feet by the two others. Angel sprang over to take her arm. “Are you ok, cuervo?”, he muttered. “Yeah. Let’s just get this over with”, Nina sighed.

---

“Thanks for coming all the way up here”, Chibs said from the head of the table, in the smaller room, connected to the studio. “Thank you for agreeing not to do it at your clubhouse”, Bishop said. “This one’s getting too heavy to get up the stairs behind the ice-cream shop”. He nodded towards Nina. “Go fuck yourself, Bish’”, she grunted from next to Angel. Bishop sent her a warm smile, before meeting Angel’s eyes. They both knew he wasn’t wrong. Nina had trouble even getting out of bed at this point; which Angel didn’t mind. Pregnancy sex had been even hotter than he’d imagined. “Nina’s twelve months are over. We think it’s time to discuss what happens from here on out”, Chibs said. Angel shifted in his seat, and cleared his throat. “I think it’s obvious what’s gonna happen”, he said. “She’s staying in San Pad”. He put his hand on Nina’s bump, and stroked it. “Charming is her home”, Happy said. “She’s still SAMCRO family”. “She’s Mayan family too… And she’s got my family growing in her”, Angel growled. “We need niña down south”, Coco said. “She’s the only one of the girls back home who knows how to make a proper whiskey-sour”, Riz shrugged. “What about her life here? Her friends, her job at the shop?”, Tig said.

“What about we ask Nina what she wants?”, Nina exclaimed with a huff. “I’m not property…”. Chibs and Bishop looked solemnly at each other for a long moment, before both of them broke into large grins. “We’re just fucking with you, mija!”, Bishop said. All the Mayans and Sons broke out in laughter, and Angel had to chew his lips to stop. “We didn’t come up here to talk about you coming back, ma’”, he said. Nina scowled deeply at him; giving him that cute look that made him both cringe from the promise of being chewed out later on, and simultaneously made him want to rip off her clothes, and screw her brains out. Nina was hot when she was angry. “Then, why?”, she growled.

Angel turned in his seat, and helped Nina turn in hers; with a firm hold of her hips. “I can’t marry you, without permission from your brothers… All of them”, he said. Nina’s eyes widened. “You… what?”. “You got my kid in there. And I love you”, Angel said, and laid a hand on her belly. “I wanna marry you… If you’re good with that”. Nina seemed – for once – speechless. His heart jumped up into his throat. “Nina? Mami, talk to me…”. “I’m… yeah. Uh huh… We can do that”, she squeaked. Angel let out a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck… You had me worried”, he smiled. He saw a tear at the corner of Nina’s eye, and wiped it away quickly.

He put his hand to the back of her head, and pulled her in for a kiss; when someone cleared their throat. “We haven’t agreed yet”, Tig said. “He needs all of our go-aheads”, Hank said. “All of your brothers; remember?”. “We gotta vote on this shit”, EZ smirked. For a short moment, Angel considered smacking his brother across the head, but he decided against it. He needed a unanimous yes, and EZ was actually one of the few patches he was concerned about voting against him. “Then let’s do it”, he said. Chibs raised a brow at him. “You; get out”, he said. “What?”. “Salir de la habitación, amigo”, the SAMCRO president reiterated. Nina shot him a death-glare, and squeezed Angel’s hand. “You said your peace; now let the rest of us decide if we’re gonna agree to this unholy union”. Angel got to his feet and was about to help Nina up. “Not you, sweetheart”, Taza said. “We need your take on this as well”. Angel swallowed thickly, and looked at Nina. She gave him a warm smile, which didn’t reach her eyes, and he had to force his feet to move, to leave the room.

Once outside, Angel closed the door behind him. The large studio space had filled up with hangarounds – male and female – and pornstars he recognized from movies he’d watched in the past. The one’s he’d enjoy these days weren’t CaraCara productions, because Nina didn’t like watching people she knew as friends having sex. Instead, they’d watch the mini-productions they made themselves. Lyla came over to him with a cold beer, and patted his shoulder. “The party’s gonna be pretty PG for now. Wendy’s coming in with the boys for a few hours”, she said. “After that, I can’t promise there won’t be full frontal nudity”. Angel chuckled. “I didn’t know her nephews were coming”, he said. “It was a surprise. They haven’t been back in Charming since…”. Lyla cut herself off, and seemed to be suppressing a bad memory. “Nina’s brother… Jackson. He was a good guy, huh?”. “The best… And he loved her”, Lyla said. “If it wasn’t for the fact that they didn’t look alike, you’d never guess they weren’t blood-related”. “They were alike?”. “Uh huh”, Lyla nodded fervently. “Like two peas in a pod. And she was as protective of him as he was of her”.

A dirty-blonde woman came in to the warehouse, with two boys in tow. The youngest had dark hair, while his brother was blonde. The blonde boy – in his pre-teens – ran over to Venus, and sprang into her arms; clearly enjoying resting his head against her ample breasts. The brown-haired boy – about 7 or 8 years old – clung to who Angel figured was Wendy. She shot Venus a smile, and walked over to Lyla. “This him, then?”, Wendy asked, and gave Angel a once over. “Yup”, Lyla said. “Angel, this is Wendy; and the cutie-pie down here…”. She crouched down, and ruffled the boy’s hair. “This is Thomas. Jackson’s youngest”. “Casanova over there is Abel”, Wendy grinned. Abel stood as wide-eyed as Coco had, at the sight of the beautiful women surrounding him. “And I’m Wendy”. “Good to meet you”, Angel said. He stuck out his hand to Thomas. “Hey, man. I’m Angel”. “Are you the one who knocked up my aunt Nina?”, Thomas asked. Angel was taken aback at the kid’s bluntness. “I… Yeah”, he said. Thomas narrowed his eyes at him. “Are you gonna marry her? My dad married my other mom after I was born. You’re supposed to marry someone if you get them pregnant”. “I’m planning to”, Angel said. “If you’ll let me”. “I’ll think about it”, Thomas said.

Both Wendy and Lyla laughed, and then gave each other a warm hug. “If you wanna surprise her, you should probably go into my office”, Lyla said. “She’ll be out in a few”. Abel looked at the people in the room. “I wanna stay out here”, he declared; as fascinated as his brother was at all the women. “You’re just like your dad”, Wendy sighed. “Go on, Tommy. I got movies in there for you”, Lyla said, before looking at Wendy. “Disney”, she added. Wendy smiled, and dragged Thomas away. She nabbed Abel out of the lap of a scantily clad brunette; and the three of them went into a back office, in the corner of the building.

Angel looked at the door to where the meeting regarding the future of his family was being held behind, and felt his nerves starting to get to him. They’d taken too long already; the vote shouldn’t be that difficult. He took out his pack of smokes, and was about to light up, when Lyla put a hand on his lower arm. “Please go outside for that. I’m trying to keep the studio smoke-free”. “Yeah, sure… Sorry”, Angel muttered, and hurried towards the exit.

Once outside he began pacing back and forth. One cigarette turned in to two, which then turned in to three; and still no one had come to tell him what the decision of the clubs was. He was about to say fuck it, and stomped out his smoke, to walk back inside, and demand an answer; when Nina came outside. She walked over to him with a solemn expression on her face; and in that moment, Angel’s heart broke. “I’m sorry…”, she said. Angel felt rage building in him. Here was his endgame – the one woman he would ever be able to fully give himself to, and the mother of his child – and he couldn’t have her, because of a bunch of fucking bikers. He grabbed Nina’s hand, and tried pulling her towards his bike. “Fuck this shit. We’re out of here. We’ll go north… Like Canada, or something. I’ll marry you there… I ain’t letting them…”. Nina stayed in place, unmoving. “No, Angel… I’m sorry… I know your pap’ would expect me to; but I can’t wear white… It wouldn’t feel right”.

Angel’s jaw dropped, and he looked at Nina with wide eyes. “They said yes?”, he croaked. “Yes…”, Nina said below her breath. “I mean, Happy wanted our first-born as payment; but I told him to shove it”. Angel cupped her face, and stared deep into her eyes, looking for any sign of deceit; finding none. “We’re gonna get married?”, he said. Nina nodded. “We’re gonna get married, mami!”. he threw his arms around her waist, and lifted her up, spinning her around. “Careful!”, Nina giggled. He set her back on the ground, and pulled her in for a deep kiss; feeling like life itself came from the taste of her mouth. “I love you, cuervo”. Tears streamed down his cheeks. “Te amo, so… fucking… much!”, he said, leaving kisses on Nina’s lips between each word. “I love you too”, she smiled.

Angel remembered something, and grabbed for the item in his pocket, he’d been keeping there, since his pap’ had given it to him a few days earlier. “Here”, he said, and held out the ring. “This was my mam’s”. Nina took the ring from him, and smiled. “Thank you…”, she said. She held it to her finger, before looking up at him. “Wait, did you wanna…? Or should I just…?”. Angel took her hand in his, and together, they put the ring on her left ring-finger. He pressed another deep kiss to her lips, and then got on his knees; putting his hands on either side of her belly. “I love you, chiquita. You’re the best thing to happen to me since your mama”. He kissed Nina’s tummy, just above her navel, and turned his ear against it, listening to the other love of his life moving around in there.

“Are you two finished?”, Chibs called from the doorway. “Someone’s come to see you, little sister”. Nina frowned in confusion, and Angel smiled brightly; getting to his feet again. He led her in front of her, with his hands on her hips. “Try not to give birth right this moment, mama”, he whispered in her ear, when Lyla opened the door to the office, and Abel and Thomas came out. “Oh… Oh, my god!”, Nina cried out, and ran as fast as she could over to her two nephews. She kissed both of their foreheads, and each boy wiped off the kisses in childish disgust, while she hugged them. “You’re so big!”, Nina croaked, before turning to Wendy, and hugging her. Angel looked on with a full heart, as both of the boys took turns touching her belly.

EZ came up next to him, and patted his back. “Congratulations, Angel”, he said. Angel turned, and gave his brother a warm hug. “Thanks, man…”, he said.

---

A little while later, Angel was seated next to his fiancée on the couch. Someone had produced a box of old photographs of club-parties through the ages. Nina was groaning in embarrassment, as Chibs held out a picture of herself and him, where the Son was holding up his fingers in a cross at Nina, who was sporting a large pimple on her forehead. “The Creature of the Black Lagoon!”, Chibs laughed. “Funny…”, Nina smiled sarcastically, and ripped the photo out of his hands. Angel snatched it from her, and put it in his cut pocket. “I’m keeping this, cuervo”. “Why?”, she frowned. “Blackmail… Maybe you’ll stop trying to cook for me”. “Kiss my ass”, she retorted. “Gladly”, Angel said, and kissed her temple.

Nina picked up an envelope full of pictures, and pulled them out, to look through them. “What’s this?”, she said. Angel grabbed the pile of photographs. A grin spread on his face. The telltale patch of the Mayan mask sprang into his eyes, on the back of a biker; who’d turned his face towards the camera. It was Bishop; who was sporting a shorter beard, but a no less intimidating mustache. “Wow, this was years ago…”, he chuckled. “San Bernardino, right?”, he asked Chibs. “Yeah”, the president nodded. Nina studied the pictures, as Angel flipped them. “What’re the Mayans doing there? Weren’t you rivals?”. Looking at the date in the bottom corner of the picture, Angel shook his head. “Nah. This was just after we became allies. I think this was one of my first parties as a prospect. It was like a club-mixer thing, with a couple of charters from each side, meeting up, and getting wasted in the name of peace…”

He flicked through some more pictures, before reaching one with a tall bearded man in a beanie; a goofy looking biker with a mohawk; and a chubby man, with unruly, curly hair. Angel noticed Nina’s face light up in something resembling recognition. “SAMCRO?”, Angel asked. Nina nodded. “Opie, Juice and Bobby”, she said, smiling softly. “You said you were there?”. “Yeah… I think so”. Angel flicked through some more photographs, and pulled a picture out from near the bottom of the pile. He laughed out loud. “Shit, yeah… Look at that dumbass prospect staring at the camera. He don’t know shit yet…”.

A younger version of himself – though not by many years – was pictured with a tray of shots in hand, looking drunk and smiling goofily, while getting ready to serve a group of Mayans and Sons, who were seated at a table, in the middle of a poker-game. Angel looked happy just to be there, and the prospect flash on his chest looked brand new. “Fuck, man… Look at that hair…!”, he chuckled. He looked at Nina again, expecting her to laugh along with him; but saw that her eyes were full of tears. She was staring at a blonde man; who was seated by the table, shooting the camera a relaxed grin, and reaching for one of the glasses on Angel’s tray. “What’s wrong? My hair don’t look that stupid", Angel said, letting Nina take the photograph from his hands. “Mami? Do you know this guy?”. Angel looked down at the picture with wide eyes. “I remember him… Some big deal in SOA, right…?”. “Jax…”, Nina breathed. “This is him…”. “That’s your brother?”, Angel almost gasped. “I can’t believe I actually met the guy". “Do you remember him?”, Nina asked hopefully.

Angel dug through his memories, wanting nothing but to please her with a heartwarming story. “I was pretty wasted…”, he admitted. “But I remember he was talking about his kids…”. Nina nodded solemnly, seemingly sad, that she couldn’t get anything else out of him. He put his arm around her, and kissed her forehead. Chibs reached across the table, and took the picture. He looked down at it and chuckled. “Of course you don’t remember…”, he said. “But I can’t believe I fucking forgot!”. “What?”, Angel asked. “You were driving that piece of shit Suzuki, and thought you’d get away with sitting on Jackson’s Super Glide, for a picture”. The memory began dawning on Angel, and he instantly cringed. “He caught you, and knocked your fucking lights out! Peace was almost off because of that shit…”. Taza, who’d been chatting with Tig, took the picture from Chibs, and smiled down at it; before handing it back to Angel. “Don’t you remember Angel? We put another three months on your year as prospect for that”.

A clear laughter broke through the sound of the music, and the talking crowd. Angel turned and looked at Nina, whose face was contorted in glee. “Jax told me about that! How some no-name prospect rubbed up on his bike”, she said. “I had to put him in his place… I got him a beer when no one was watching, though”. “Yeah…”, Angel said, letting the corners of his lips rise in a slight smile. "I remember now. He seemed like a good guy”. “He was…”, Nina said. Her brows furrowed for a moment, before she met his eyes. “Do you…? I want to go see him”. Angel had to think for a moment, before he realized what she was saying. “Yeah… Of course”, he said. “You wanna go now?”. Nina nodded fervently, but seemingly nervous that he’d say no.

Angel put the picture in his cut pocket, to keep safe; then got to his feet, and pulled Nina up to stand. “Let’s go”, he said. He looked at the others around the table, and gave them a half smile. “I still need one more person’s blessing”.

---

The sun was about to go down, when they made it to the cemetery. Nina was holding on so hard to Angel’s hand, as they walked down the rows of grave-stones, that he was sure she’d leave marks; but he didn’t say anything – strangely nervous at the situation, and needing her support as much as she needed his. Nina smiled at a few grave-stones they passed, with names like Winston, Knowles and Munson. Angel noticed another stone, with the name John Teller engraved on it. He felt the urge to nod respectfully at it, as Nina stopped for a few seconds, to brush some dead leaves from it.

“It’s up here”, she said in a whisper, and pulled him with her, to a large stone with the Sons of Anarchy A, over the name Jackson Nathaniel Teller. Nina kneeled down in front of it, and held her brother’s helmet in her lap. Giving up on the fight on whether she should use it or not long ago, Angel had added some extra padding to it for her; so that it would at least be safer, than it had been before. “Hi, Jax…”, Nina said. “It’s been a while… I’m sorry about that, but I’ve been kinda busy”. She rubbed her belly protectively. “This is Angel”, she said, and looked up at him, with a warm smile. Angel cleared his throat, unsure what to do. “Hi…”, he muttered. “Yeah, I know… But he’s got a cool bike”, Nina chuckled. Angel frowned in confusion, but decided against commenting on her words. “I kept my promise after all. I’m happy. And everyone is safe… At least, as safe as they can be, as outlaw bikers…”.

She sat quietly for a long moment, and Angel kneeled down next to her; putting an arm around her shoulders. He kissed her check, and tasted the salty taste of her tears on his lips. “You ok?”, he whispered. Nina looked at him, and nodded; a smile on her lips. “Happy tears”, she said, and looked back at the stone. “I went back to school. I’m taking classes to become a paralegal… I wanna try to help the undocumented people the Mayans are moving through the tunnels”. “And she is”, Angel cut in. “She’s doing good work with what she knows, already”. Nina smiled embarrassedly for a moment, before continuing. “I’ve had to take a little break though, ‘cuz of the baby… It’s kind of hard to keep up with online classes, when you gotta pee every 45 minutes. But once she’s here, I‘ll be able to go back part time… I think I’ve found my path, and I have someone holding my hand while I walk it. And we’ve got have a large family – ourlarge family – to support us, whatever might get in our way”.

They were quiet for a moment longer; while Nina brushed her fingertips over the helmet in her lap. “I’ll be ok now, Jax. I promise…”. She lifted the helmet, and pressed a kiss to it, before placing it on the ground in front of the gravestone. She looked at Angel, and wiped her eyes. “Let’s go”.

Angel got to his feet, and went behind Nina, to lift her up to stand. Hand in hand, they began walking back towards the parking lot. “Wait a sec…”, Angel said, and halted. “What?”, Nina said. He pressed a short kiss to her lips. “I’ll be right back”.

He walked back to Jackson’s grave. “Thanks, man… For everything”, he said. He kissed his fingers, and pressed them to the stone; before turning around, and walking back towards to his woman, his daughter, and their future together.

The End.

---

tags: @cole-winchester @doloreschanal

#angel reyes #angel reyes fic #angel reyes x oc #mayans mc #mayans mc fic #ez reyes #coco cruz #sons of anarchy

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dakt37 · 4 years

Text

Avengers Assemble - Feral Outlaw Stony

So I've been expanding on this concept I doodled before Christmas, where Steve goes with Tony into the no-tech dimension at the end of season 3. Probably a lot of stuff isn't canon-compliant (beyond the obvious change that is), but "It's an AU so I do what I want" rules apply. Anyway.

The tl;dr is: The two of them spend a little time puttering around the weird no-tech dimension, and then get absorbed into Battleworld. They become explorers, helping people out and falling in love along the way.

(Once again, I feel like someone must have had this idea already, but I’ve never looked.)

Cut for excessive rambling.

~~~

Not all the areas we see in the show are present in Battleworld when Steve and Tony first arrive, so the boys spend most of their time traveling around, mapping the place out as it expands. A lot of my ideas rely on them still having little-to-no access to modern conveniences. Obviously someplace modern has to show up for them to get their hands on a pickup truck and a motorcycle, but I’m picturing a post-apocalyptic junkyard that’s been picked clean of anything obviously useful. They get the vehicles working by sheer force of “I’m Tony-fucking-Stark.” But like that fully functional NYC area is way too convenient, so it’s not around yet. (tbh I’m not even sure if it’s an alternate NYC or theirs, in which case it wouldn’t show up until the other Avengers do anyway)

They get the low-down on the "Battleworld" concept by eavesdropping on one of Beyonder's* welcome speeches. They realize that they are uniquely off the grid, because Beyonder didn't know they were in the no-tech dimension when he added it to Battleworld. They decide it's advantageous to maintain this secret status, but they're still Avengers™️ so they can't NOT help out wherever they can. But they don’t stick around any one place for long. Basically, they become vagrant vigilantes in addition to surveyors. They get a lot of their “stuff” (clothes, tools, toiletries, etc) as payment for odd jobs, or gifts from grateful locals they rescue. They get some food from populated areas as well, but also rely on foraging and hunting while on the lam. They have definitely eaten dinosaur at some point.

(*He doesn't get the nickname "Beyonder" until the other Avengers show up. In this AU Steve and Tony refer to him as "The Entity" or "Suspenders." You can probably guess who tends to use which.)

On top of the survival story, it's also a getting-together story. Steve and Tony flirt and pine and bicker and flirt some more, until a squabble turns into a confession and they finally start kissing. There’s plenty of time for “it’s cold in this wasteland and we only have one blanket, oh no,” but they’re firmly established as romantically involved by the time the other Avengers show up and they have the final showdown with Beyonder.

Anyway a lot of the AU notes I've been making are about the functional side of their Big Camping Adventure. So here's a bunch of lists about vehicles, gadgets, and navigation.

Vehicle stuff:

If Tony is riding passenger on the motorcycle, he can clip his repulsor boots into special footrests that reroute the energy and give the bike a speed boost.

The bike has a tow cable. Steve can harpoon things using a spring-action firing mechanism, including cliff faces to help him scale steep terrain. The cable can also be uncoiled manually, like when Tony takes flight while holding the end so he and Steve can clothesline hostiles.

Steve can stick his shield several places on the bike depending on what’s convenient. On the front as a windscreen/battering ram, on one side for easy grabbing, and even on Tony’s backpack so Tony can snuggle in properly while riding passenger and keep both their backs protected.

They probably don’t even need a ramp to get the bike into the bed of the pickup. Steve just picks it up and puts it there.

The evolution of Marsha (the truck) into a full Hulkbuster-style mech takes a long time. For the majority of their time in Battleworld, it’s just a truck with an ever-increasing number of weird add-ons.

Marsha can function as a tiny camper home. The cargo bed liner is a false bottom, which can be pulled up and rearranged to form a cover/roof. Underneath the liner, the actual truck bed is about a foot deeper, with most of that storage space taken up by a mattress and bedding.

Tony can pull a cable out of Marsha’s steering column and plug it directly into his arc reactor. This unlocks extra features and weapons. He generally has things balanced so that Marsha drawing power doesn't affect him any more than his armor drawing power would. But on rare and desperate occasions, he can overclock and hurt himself. Steve of course hates when he does this.

Turnabout is fair play though: at least once, something else damaged the arc reactor, so Tony plugged into Marsha to draw power from the battery for his electromagnet while he repaired the arc.

Gasoline can be difficult to procure, so both vehicles are hybrids. Tony just keeps adding new power conversion elements as they go along, based on what they can find.

F in chat for Tony’s armor:

Tony dismantles the armor he’d been wearing when they first went into the no-tech dimension.

Obviously he keeps skeletal versions of the repulsor boots and gloves in-tact enough to function.

He also keeps most of the helmet, for when he’s riding with Steve on the motorcycle. Mostly because Steve insisted. It's gutted of tech though, so if the faceplate stays as part of the design, the eyes are just holes (like in the classic comics).

The rest of the pieces are kept in a large packing trunk.

Tony repurposes some parts into useful gadgets for himself and Cap, plus the odd toy for other Avengers (like Widow’s new stinger gauntlets) because he’s optimistic like that.

Electronics use precious metals like gold and copper, so Tony scrapes some out to pay for things in certain areas of Battleworld, like the cowboy town or the pirate area. He might also barter with other general bits like wires and screws, but he avoids parting with any actual full tech.

Plug-n-play Gadgets

Since the power draw for Tony's electromagnet is actually fairly minimal, Tony makes use of the arc reactor as a charging station, mostly when he sleeps. It's not like there's a corner store they can drop by to get a pack of batteries. Things he charges include (but are not limited to):

Flashlight for Steve. The bulbs for it came from the eyes in the Iron Man helmet. Note: Tony doesn't need a flashlight himself because he can turn up his arc brightness apparently, lmao.

Camp stove. Steve questioned Tony building one for a hot second because hello we can build campfires to cook over? But then it’s raining and they're in a cave and Tony is like, "if you fill this space with smoke I will divorce you before we're even married." And Steve is like "camp stove wow yes okay." Also they had camp stoves in WW2 so honestly it was simply a Himbo Moment to disregard the virtues of one in the first place.

Walkie talkies. I know they had Avengers comms but I like the aesthetic of walkie talkies more. Maybe the comms relied on satellites that they obviously don't have anymore or something.

Navigation:

Speaking of a lack of satellites, the GPS in Tony’s armor is rendered useless. Steve is real smug about it and pulls out his old-fashioned compass. But Battleworld also doesn’t have proper poles, so it just spins wildly for a few seconds and then points at Tony’s electromagnet. Not to be deterred, Steve declares, “Well, you’re never lost if you can find Polaris.” They look up and realize that the night sky, despite having stars and a moon, is not at all arranged the way it is on Earth.

Tony takes this as a Challenge. He builds a sextant, then spends the next several nights in a row muttering math under his breath as he painstakingly creates a hand-drawn star chart. This, combined with landmarks, becomes the primary way they orient themselves as they roam around Battleworld.

Many nights, Steve and Tony lie in the bed of the pickup together and make up constellations named after other Avengers and friends. Steve makes a copy of Tony’s star chart and sketches artistic renditions of the constellations on top. To close this post with an interesting visual, here’s an example of what Tony’s star map might look like vs what Steve’s would more resemble:

#avengers assemble #avengers assemble AU #battleworld AU #Feral Outlaw Stony AU #stevetony #dakity yaks #Dakt rambles about Avengers stuff #long post

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five-rivers · 4 years

Text

Lightning

Normally, Mr. Lancer would have been home by now, but he had made the terrible decision to agree to tutor a student at the school this evening and they had never shown up. He wasn't sure what he had expected, honestly. If they had been responsible, they wouldn't have needed tutoring.

Lancer pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. It wasn't as if he never offered to tutor students before, but the others usually scheduled their meetings right after school, and called ahead if they were going to miss. Even Daniel Fenton made an effort to actually show up. When he wasn't distracted by playing video games.

At least Daniel tried when he was in class. This-

Mr. Lancer sighed, angrily. He was just working himself up, at this point. He should go home. He began to rise from his seat.

As if to mock this decision, lightning flashed outside the window, followed by a deep rumble of thunder.

Hm. Driving in that would be unpleasant. His lesson plans could stand some work. Just until the storm moved past. Or until he couldn't stand to be here anymore. Or until the storm knocked the power out.

He sat back down, heavily. He'd be eating takeout, tonight, it seemed.

Lightning and thunder continued to flash outside, the rain pounded on the roof, and the wind wuthered around the corners of the building. It was, in a word, noisy. The lights also had a tendency to flicker just a little bit after each strike of lightning.

So he didn't notice, at first, the tiny whimpers that followed each boom and crackle of the thunder. But sometimes a pattern becomes too much to ignore, even for overworked, underpaid, overtired teachers like Mr. Lancer. He paused in his work, listening.

Strange sounds at night could spell real danger in this town. Lancer carefully pulled open his desk drawer, and took out the tiny ectoblaster he had finally talked the school into letting him have after he'd been forced to drive off the Box Ghost with nothing but a rolled up newspaper.

The sound was probably just the wind blowing through a poorly fitted window or something similar, but it payed to be prepared.

Mr. Lancer moved carefully around the room, pausing to listen when the thunder struck. He tracked the sound to his classroom's small supply closet.

Probably not a loose window, then.

Bracing himself, he threw open the door.

Despite the lights being off, a soft glow came from the corner of the otherwise dim closet. A ghost had wedged itself underneath the shelving there, his knees drawn to his chest, hands over his ears, eyes screwed shut.

Not just any ghost. Phantom.

Lightning flared through the classroom windows, and Phantom visibly flinched. When the thunder roared a moment later, he flinched again, producing the sound that had led Mr. Lancer to him.

Lancer was at a loss. Phantom was a highly dangerous ghost, but he had protected the school on numerous occasions, and right now...

Well. If he looked past the glow, Phantom was of an age to be one of his students. And he was obviously frightened.

Lancer knelt on the closet's threshold. "Phantom?" he asked, softly.

The ghost's eyes sprang open immediately. A strangled sound emerged from his throat. "I-" he said. "I didn't know you- that anyone was still here," he said, before jumping at another lightning strike.

"I'm usually not," said Lancer, unsure how to broach the subject he was currently interested. "I was supposed to tutor a student this evening, but they never came."

Something like guilt passed over the ghost's face. "Fenton?" he asked.

"No," said Mr. Lancer, putting aside for the moment the fact that Daniel Fenton's delinquency was known even to ghosts. "Phantom, why are you here?"

"I can leave, if you want," offered the ghost, immediately. He made no move to extract himself from his hiding place under the shelves.

"No, I'm just... curious," said Lancer.

"Oh," said Phantom. "Well. I was-" he jumped at the flash of lightning. "I was fighting Ember, in the park, and the storm came up and- and this was the closest building I knew- I thought would be empty. Storms and flying things, you know?" he shrugged. "Not com-" the thunder struck, and Phantom jumped hard enough to hit his head on the bottom of the shelf he was under. He moaned.

"Phantom," said Lancer, feeling, for a moment, stupidly daring, "are you... afraid of lightning?"

The ghost regarded him balefully for a split second, and Lancer feared he had overstepped, but then the ghost looked away. There was, he noticed now, a slight tremor in Phantom's limbs.

"I didn't used to be," said the ghost, quietly. "Before... It reminds me of how I died."

"You were struck by lightning?"

"No. Just, you know, electrocuted." He shuddered. "I don't want to talk about it." More lightning, another flinch. "Look, I won't bother you. I just want to stay here 'til the storm ends." Thunder rolled. "Ancients, it's getting closer."

"I used to be scared of storms, too," said Mr. Lancer.

"So did everyone," grumbled the ghost. "They're big and loud and unpredictable. People- People grow out of it."

"Sometimes," said Mr. Lancer.

"Pl-Please don't give me a lecture on facing my fears," said Phantom. "Like, half of my enemies have electricity powers. I deal with it. I just. If you- Can we talk about something else? Something- Distract me."

The last was halfway between an order and a plea. Lancer cast his mind out, and it latched on to the lessons he was just writing. He was a teacher.

That seemed to be a good choice, because Phantom seemed to calm as he listened. He even slipped in a few questions and jokes.

Eventually the storm moved off.

"I should go, now," said Phantom, pulling himself out from under the shelves. Lancer stood as well, his knees protesting loudly at the sudden movement. "You should go home, too. It's late." He began to fade, the edges of his form becoming transparent. "Thank you for helping me," he said, just before he disappeared entirely.

Mr Lancer blinked at the empty closet. "You're welcome," he said.

#danny phantom #dannymay #dannymay 2020 #day 23

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angsty-omi · 4 years

Text

oikawa x fem! reader

warnings: i think none? maybe toxic relationship?

fluff in the beginning, but overall angsty as f!$@

“so, how did we get here? plates smashing, suffocating tears, and suitcases being packed.”

you and tooru met during your second year. while he was being bombarded with fangirls, it just so happened you were in the class down the hall by yourself. as he tried to escape the hormonal girls, he hid in one of the classes. which, “luckily” happened to be yours.

as he ran in and shutting the door quickly while also breathing heavily, he didn’t seem to notice you. you just so happened that day had to stay in for remediation. you glanced at him, and then looked back down at your textbook. obviously you weren’t actually reading the textbook, however, you couldn’t look him in the eyes. just because you weren’t one of his stans, you still couldn’t ignore how his brown eyes glisten in the warm sun, or how his hair always looked a little messy, but still looked beautiful nevertheless. he pulled a chair in-front of you and ignited the conversation.

that’s where it all started.

everyday, he would be meeting you in that class after practice, and you’d talk about your day. how is it possible that he didn’t even know your name, yet was so intrigued in your life? although, you didn’t mind because talking about things feels more comfortable when they don’t really know you. this suddenly became an on the clock’ routine. he’d come into class, pull up a chair, and he would share his milk bread with you.

until one day, he didn’t show up. you shook it off because he wasn’t yours. you guys weren’t dating. so then, why’d your stomach drop. and why did you wait hours, so much so the janitor had to kick you out. days suddenly became weeks. and for some reason you really could not shake this feeling. had you gotten too close to him? hell he didn’t even know your name, y/n.

you were not the one to just let life go on. you wanted to take charge, because no one else can/will do it for you. you needed to take life in your own hands. screw the universe. and so, it was pouring that day, as you looked out your window, thinking about what you were going to say. your heart started beating rapidly, when you imagined how tooru would answer. would he accept your confession? or would he just think you’re one of the fan girls? he sure does get a lot of letters everyday. it was a variety of girls that you were prettier than, but also uglier than some. you shook your head, because you truly didn’t want to go there. girls support girls. after school, you had to retake the test you were remediating anyways so it gave you enough time to stall and wait for tooru’s practice to end.

on your walk there, you hear the loud smacks of the volleyball hitting the ground. you flinched, thanking life you weren’t reincarnated as one of those balls. you waited outside the gates for him, but under a roof, because it was pouring after all. as you hear the coach whistle, you knew it was showtime. tooru walked out with this really tall, buff guy. with his gym bag in one hand, and an umbrella in the other. you make your way over there stopping in-front of him. “hi, i’m l/n y/n, a second year, and oikawa, there’s something about you that i can’t shake. ever since we stopped seeing each other, i have had this pit in my stomach. i didn’t really want to fall in to the category of pick me girls, but you’ve put your spell on me and i can’t help it. either you need to accept my confession or reject me. i don’t want to be lead on an unrequited love.” you shut your eyes, looking down, not even realizing the rain was drowning you. his eyes widened at such a confession. his friend nudged him and walked away. oikawa sighed, “l/n, first of all, i’m glad you think our meetings were special. i haven’t gone recently because nationals are coming up soon and our coach has been making us practice everyday for a longtime. and i never thought you saw me in that light. but i’m really glad you did.” you opened your eyes because you stopped feeling the rain on you. as you looked up, you saw him staring at you with such eyes that you could just dissolve right then and there. the umbrella in his hand was now over you. leaving him in the pouring rain. the umbrella wasn’t big enough for the both of you. so you took your arms around is waist, hoping for the best. he slowly bent down and wrapped his arm around you, so the umbrella could dry both of you off. you swore you could’ve been in that position forever. he whispers in your ear, “let’s go out okay? see where it takes us,” as he could feel your growing smile against his chest.

months go by, and both of you couldn’t be happier. it was your 1st year anniversary, and tooru had just invited you out to eat at a fancy restaurant. you curled your hair, and put on light make up. nothing wrong with heavy make up, but light was more your style. you put on a black babydoll dress and headed out on your date.

as you got to the place, you decided to get seated first. minutes go by and you were waiting. waiting. and waiting even longer. you couldn’t even express the embarrassment you felt from the spectators around you. you called him so many times. no pick up. the waiters kept asking for your order and you continued to deny them, saying “my boyfriend’s gonna be here soon,” with a grin. coming up with ideas in your head to why he’s not here yet.

when the restaurant started closing, you headed out. at this point, you weren’t even making excuses for him. it was pure anger. you got dolled up and for what? to be stood up? you just wanted to the night to be over.

you quickly took off your clothes into a huge t-shirt. whys it so huge? oh. it’s tooru’s. you washed your face and went to bed. the shirt still had tooru’s scent on it. the smell that made you feel safe. the smell that you would recognize a mile away. the smell you familiarized when you gave your body to him. and soon with those thoughts, you started bawling. you were left alone with your thoughts. “am i not good enough?” continuously repeating in your head. you just wanted this night to be over with.

as the bright sun shined on your face from the small crack of the window panel, you checked your phone. there was a few texts from oikawa. here we go. the tears have dried and you were ready. it read,

tooru: god y/n, I really am sorry.

tooru: practice was dragged out for so long i completely forgot

tooru: nationals are coming up soon, you remember right? that’s when we confessed?

tooru: meet me at the park at one. please. let me make it up to you. read 12:48

“was this truly a good idea?,” you thought to yourself. again, it was pouring and you could catch a cold. but you needed answers. so yes, in your mind, it was. you didn’t even get ready. he did not deserve the luxury of seeing you try for him.

you walked to the park in the clothes you woke up in. you saw him from afar, sitting at the bench, fiddling with his calloused hands. you sat next to him, with a huge gap in between you two. “hey,” he went first. you looked and gave him a small grin. though you looked like you were fine, boy was he gonna get an earful. as you were about to express your leash on him, he interrupted “the reason i couldn’t pick up, was because of volleyball.” you seriously glared at him, you didn’t even get to put a word in? and why was he so blunt with it? “listen y/n, i never should’ve put volleyball over you. it was our anniversary and i forgot about our date. if i could go back in time and punch my yesterday self, i would do it.” you giggled, maybe you weren’t that pissed. “it still hurt, tooru. a lot. i can never show my face there again. while i was furiously walking home, i was seriously doubting you... doubting us,” you teared up. good thing the rain could hide your tears. at least you still had your pride, right? instinctively, he grabbed both your hands and kissed them over and over. up to your arms. to your cheeks. to your lips. then you just melted. this feeling of unknown relief. “i love you, y/n and one day i’m gonna put a ring on this finger,” he said while kissing it. “i will never put you over volleyball again...”

so, how did we get here? two years later, plates smashing, suffocating tears, and suitcases being packed.

—

author’s note: helloooo this is my first fic so bear with me! there might be some spelling errors and i’m sorry, these are written at 3 am! it will get better. should i make a part 2? please let me know ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶. please like, repub, or follow if you wanna see more of me!

#haikyuu angst #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #oikawa x reader #oikawa angst #haikyuu!!

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sevenstarsinning · 4 years

Text

Summary: Raditz loses his mate when Planet Vegeta is destroyed and finds himself working alongside Prince Vegeta. When he comes to Earth to recruit his brother, he’s dealt another devastating blow when Goku refuses to join and leaves him near death. He’s found by a human and attempts to adapt to life on Earth.

Ch.1 - Ch.2

Chapter 3

Raditz

Raditz stared back at you with murderous intent. A human questioning his worth? That was something he could not stand for.

But as you went back to tending to his wounds, not disgusted or berating him further, something occurred to him. Humans were weak, that much was obvious. But the weaker ones weren't cast aside as nothing. In the very short time he spent in West City before tracking down Kakarot, he saw it first hand. The weak were not treated as less and the strong as more.

His eyes trailed down your body, fully taking in your appearance for the first time. He found you pretty, for a weak human, anyway.

He did feel slightly bad about destroying your house but your attitude made him not care as much as he should've.

"Sorry about going off on you," you finally spoke, as if you were reading his mind. His brow furrowed, curious if you really were a mind reader.

He arrived on Earth with very little information about it's inhabitants. For all he knew, that's exactly what you were, a mind reader and all of his deeply guarded secrets were wide open for you to invade.

After you finished patching him up, he watched as you examined all of the damage the crash had caused. Your entire bedroom was gone, replaced by his pod. The bathroom across the hall was salvageable but still a disaster. Half of the kitchen was collapsing but, luckily it was the side opposite the major appliances. Overall, the damage could've been much, much worse.

"Hey, Raditz, can you lend a hand? I need to get this at least partially closed up before the storms start tonight," you called from the kitchen.

Raditz reluctantly agreed, at least it would distract him. He helped close up the open spots in the walls with tarps and plastic sheeting from the shed. It wasn't perfect but it would keep most of the rain out.

"I guess we're leaving the pod here for now," you said, examining what was essentially a UFO.

Raditz watched you take in every detail of the pod you could while you circled around it. For him, there was nothing extraordinary about it because he was used to seeing them and traveling in them only when absolutely necessary. But to you, he imagined it was something quite remarkable based on the childlike wonder you displayed while you ran your fingers along the edge of the door.

He held his hand up to a scanner to the left and the locks disengaged. The door slowly lifted revealing the inside.

"Okay, totally thought that was just a window," you admitted before stepping forward to take a peek inside.

"It's very small compared to the other transports we have... had on our planet," he corrected himself without considering the ramifications. All he could do was hope you didn't catch it.

Right when you turned your attention to him, he braced himself for a marathon of questions. But they never came. You merely looked at him with an expression he wasn't entirely familiar with. You seemed... sad. But that couldn't be right unless you really were a mind reader.

"Do you mind if I check out the inside?" You asked, turning your head back to the pod.

"Don't press any buttons." His tail uncoiled from his waist and moved slowly back and forth behind him while he watched you explore. He tried to keep his mind as clear as possible in case you were listening in.

When you sat down in the plush seat, you looked up at him and immediately screamed when you saw the furry brown appendage. His tail puffed up and whipped around wildly.

"What!?" Raditz looked around for whatever threat nearby that made you let out that god awful sound.

"Is that a tail? I thought it was some kind of ridiculous furry belt." You took a deep breath and calmed your nerves while his tail went back to it's normal amount of floof.

"A furry belt... why would I wear something like that?" He asked, puzzled by the odd assumption.

"Dude, you're wearing a battle speedo, a furry belt is not that far out of the realm of possibility."

"A battle speedo? Are you still speaking this planet's language?" He asked, brow furrowed while his tail darted back and forth.

"It's called English, it’s not the only language here, and yes, I'm still speaking it. That little piece of spandex covering your... " you trailed off and gestured towards the middle of his body, "that whole area is pretty much a speedo and you said you're a warrior. It is, therefore, a battle speedo," you explained.

"Step away from my pod, you can't be trusted if your mind conjures up those sorts of ridiculous things," he chided, ready to close his pod up and ban you from it for making a joke about the remainder of his Saiyan clothing.

"Whatever, big guy. I need to call the insurance company and get screwed over on this claim anyway." You brushed past him to the living room and made yourself comfortable on the couch.

By the time you got off the phone, you were seething. It turned out there was no fine print in your insurance premium about losing part of your house to a space pod. Most of what you were saying went over his head. He had no idea what insurance premiums were and considering the way you were acting about it, he didn’t care to find out.

"This is perfect, I have no idea where I'm going to sleep or how the hell I'm going to fix this." You crouched and leaned against the pod. Fighting off anxiety was a lot more difficult than it should've been. It had a way of swallowing a person whole and plunging them into darkness.

Going against everything his own brain was screaming at him, he sighed, "you can sleep in my pod."

"Thanks, but where are you gonna sleep?" You asked, looking down at the shredded hunk of springs and memory foam that used to be your bed.

"In my pod, obviously. You're not foolish enough to think I'd leave you alone in there, are you?"

"Come again?" You asked, eyebrows raised as you regarded him.

"It's just sleeping, human. What's the problem?"

"Sleeping next to random strangers you found in a field isn't exactly safe for females here."

"It's cowardly to attack while someone is asleep or unable to defend themselves." He felt a twinge of guilt saying that, he wasn't afraid to fight dirty if the situation called for it.

"I guess if you were going to hurt me you would've done it by now. It's not like I could fight you off, even injured." You stood and looked around for something to keep you occupied before the stress did you in.

The sun lowering in the distance turned the sky into a tapestry of pink and orange. Raditz was sore from his rib injury but he was still determined to keep himself distracted by helping you move some of the bigger things in your house. He wasn't sure what compelled him to do it. He had zero interest in befriending humans, you were no exception.

Sometime after midnight, Raditz retired to his pod. You opted to give the couch a try and see if it could work as a bed for the time being.

He climbed in his pod and engaged the locks. It was far too soon to be back in the cramped space but it was at least a piece of home. The only piece he really had left. His armor was broken along with his body and he was stranded on a planet meant to be a quick stop on his journey.

Everything changed so drastically in such a short amount of time that he barely had a moment to process all that he lost when Planet Vegeta was destroyed.

His chest ached when memories of her played through his head. That was the biggest question that needed answering. How was he supposed to continue without his mate? Their bond was stronger than it had ever been last time he saw her. And then she was just gone, dust spread among the space in which his home planet used to reside.

A tap on the door was a welcome reprieve from the thoughts that haunted him. He blindly hit the side panel to open the door for you.

"So, I'm terrified the roof is gonna collapse on my ass," you announced. Without a word, Raditz scooted as far to the left as he could and put his massive hand out to help you climb in. The two of you kept your eyes on one another as he pulled you in to settle next to him.

The same expression from earlier returned to your face. You looked at him as if you could see past all of the bullshit and right into his mind. But it was more than that and it finally clicked in his stubborn head. You weren't reading his mind at all. You recognized his overwhelming sadness because it was in you too.

#raditz x reader #raditz #dbz #dragon ball z #let you go fic #supremeleadershitlord

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keichanz · 4 years

Text

Koi no Yokan | 12

sorry it took so long to get this one out. i've been without a computer for the past two weeks and i finally got my new one in last night. slightly longer chapter to make up for it. things are finally starting to pick up ;D enjoy~

AO3

Kagome tipped him another smile and parted her lips, but before she could say anything, she emitted a big yawn and she was left blinking. Inuyasha felt his lips twitch and he looked away before she could see his amusement.

Fuck, but that had been cute.

“It’s late,” he commented, looking out the window. “You should get some sleep.” He nodded at the chair a foot away. “I’ll sleep in the chair.”

Kagome bit her lip, deliberating. Then before she could change her mind she blurted out, “The bed’s big enough for both of us.”

He gave her a look and Kagome had to grin.

“Okay, so maybe not,” she giggled and he snorted, rolling his eyes. “Still, though. If you find you can’t sleep…” She shrugged, not without a blush, and scooted further down until she could roll onto her side. “I don’t mind sharing. And I…I know you won’t do anything. I trust you.””

“Noted,” Inuyasha drawled, shaking his head, though he was flattered that she trusted him enough to offer. He just hoped she wouldn’t be too trusting in the future with less than reputable men.

“Go to sleep,” he repeated even as another yawn escaped her mouth. “I’m gonna go wash off weeks old grime and dirt and maybe I’ll feel somewhat human.” He paused, then added under his breath, “Well, half-human,” but Kagome was too sleepy to hear, blue eyes blinking up at him drowsily.

“Sha?” she murmured and he paused on his way to the door. She smiled sleepily at him and whispered, “I know I’ve already said it, but…thank you again. For saving me. I’d probably be a lot worse off if…you hadn’t.”

Her eyes closed and she sighed before giving into the throes of slumber, content and trusting enough to fall asleep with a man she’d just met standing in her room.

For some reason Inuyasha’s heart clenched at the sight of her fast asleep, looking so damn small and fragile curled up on that tiny ass bed. He swallowed once, twice, the lump in his throat suddenly making it harder to breathe.

“You’re welcome, Koi,” he whispered before quietly leaving to go wash up, closing the door gently behind him.

He returned roughly thirty minutes later, stealing back inside just as quietly as he had left. A quick look toward the bed revealed Koi was still sleeping soundly. He actually did feel a lot better – god, that hot water had felt amazing – and it felt good to release his hair from the braid it had been in for the last…when was the last time he’d washed his hair? Two weeks? The washroom had even had some decent selection of soaps, and while most if not all were feminine, Inuyasha hadn’t cared because it was soap.

Now, feeling clean and warm and drowsy, Inuyasha wanted nothing more than to pass out and not wake up for a solid six hours. But instead of going to the chair, he found himself walking to the bed instead and slowly sinking down onto the edge.

Koi didn’t stir, her breaths even and deep. He felt that feeling in his chest again, an odd sort of ache, but it was almost…pleasant. She looked so peaceful with her face relaxed in sleep, lips slightly parted, strands of hair resting against the smoothness of her skin. Before Inuyasha even realized what he was doing, clawed fingers gingerly brushed back her hair, his touch lingering and he was rewarded with a gentle sigh from the slumbering woman.

It was ridiculous, and probably a little inappropriate, how fast he decided to screw proprieties sake and slowly lower himself down beside her. She had said she wouldn’t mind, and she was petite, besides. They could both fit on the sorry excuse of a lumpy mattress so long as he didn’t move around too much, which was unlikely given how damn tired he was. And you know what, fuck it. The bed, as thin and shitty as it was, was bound to be more comfortable than the chair and he was allowed to be selfish at least once, goddammit.

Besides, Inuyasha thought as he settled onto his back, putting an arm behind his head as he closed his eyes. I’ll probably never see her again after this, anyway. I can allow myself this thing. This small…nice smelling…thing…

With a sigh, Inuyasha finally drifted off to the land of nod, surrounded by the gentle scent of roses and vanilla.

It was still dark outside when Inuyasha was jerked awake to the sound of a deafening explosion that rocked the entire brothel, jostling the woman curled up against his side into wakefulness. Koi gasped and blinked at him in confusion, but Inuyasha ignored her as three things captured his attention simultaneously.

One, he heard people screaming and the unmistakable shrieks of demons. Two, he smelled blood. Three, dust and debris were raining down from the ceiling. Inuyasha had a split second to grab the woman at his side and hurl them both onto the floor before part of the ceiling collapsed onto the bed.

Koi was screaming, clearly terrified as the building continued to cave in on them as Inuyasha pushed himself up onto his hands with a colorful string of curses. What the fuck—?

“Get down!” he roared and threw himself over Koi, curling himself around her to protect her as the rest of the ceiling, along with some roofing, crashed to the floor right on top of them, the window shattering as half the wall went with it. Inuyasha grunted and grit his teeth as heavy wood and stone struck his back. He felt small arms wrap around his waist, the woman beneath him curling into him and trying to make herself as small as possible, sobbing and shaking in fright.

The building was still crashing around them, crumbling to the ground as the foundation creaked and groaned, threatening to give way. The prince knew they had to get the fuck out of there before they were buried alive. Preferably now and opening his eyes, he was met with the sight of wide blue eyes staring up at him, glistening with fright-induced tears from a face gone white.

With a grunt, Inuyasha heaved and dislodged the debris pinning them down. His back would likely be bruised and sore for a while, but at least he’d been able to protect Koi.

“We need to get out of here before we’re buried,” he shouted over the din, grabbing her arm and hauling her up with him.

“What—what—” she tried, clearly in shock, wobbling where she stood, and then looked down at the floor in horror when it started creaking ominously beneath their feet.

Inuyasha ignored her. With thankfully minimal difficulty, he managed to dig out both his suikan and sword before promptly shoving both into Koi’s arms and then sweeping her up into his own. She gasped and hid her face in his shoulder as he lunged through the opening in the wall just as the entire building collapsed into ruins.

The first thing Inuyasha was aware of as he landed on the grass outside was the village was on fire. The air was thick with smoke, people screaming and crying and running as they either tried to fight off the ravaging demons or escape for their lives. He set Koi on her feet and stunned, she just stood there, gaping at the collapsed ruins of building that had been her home for the past week.

“What the fuck is going on?!” he growled when suddenly Koi gasped sharply, dropped his suikan and sword carelessly to the ground, and took off.

“Sen!” she sobbed as the other woman, also crying, ran to meet her halfway. The two threw their arms around one another in a relieved, desperate embrace.

“Inuyasha!”

The hanyou prince tore his gaze away from the women to watch his second in command jog up to him, face grim.

“Explain,” Inuyasha snapped, scowling darkly and in no mood to fuck around.

“The village is under attack,” Miroku obeyed without question, voice curt. “It’s another horde of blood demons, although this horde is the smartest we’ve come across. Fire, Inuyasha. They’re setting things on fire and blowing things up. How—”

“There’s no time,” Inuyasha cut him off, watching his men strike down demon after demon, some of them half naked, some of them completely bare, but not letting that stop them from protecting innocents. “We’ll discuss what happened later, but right now we need to destroy these vermin and put out the fires.”

Miroku nodded and opened his mouth. Before he could say anything, however, the sound of his name, uttered in a shaky voice and just loud enough to be heard over the pandemonium of the village, had his gaze snapping around to land on an ashen face and wide maroon eyes.

Inuyasha followed his gaze and cursed. Sen and Koi stood a few feet away, arms wrapped around each other, and Sen was wearing Miroku’s purple suikan with nothing underneath. He exchanged a look with Miroku and nodded once. He didn’t know what happened to the Madam or the other girls, and to be honest he didn’t particularly care, but they couldn’t just leave these two here unprotected and vulnerable. Even though he hardly knew Koi, Inuyasha knew he’d never be able to forgive himself if something happened to her.

“Split the men, half on the fires, half eliminating the blood fuckers. I’ll take care of this and join you shortly.” He turned and put his fingers to his mouth before giving a sharp, shrill whistle that pierced the air for several seconds.

Miroku looked relieved and nodded once before taking off to do as he was told.

Stopping to collect his sword and suikan, Inuyasha shoved Tetsusaiga into place at his hip as he stalked toward the two women, holding each other and silently watching him approach. He could smell their fear, but it was strangely dimmed, and their confusion evident on pale faces. He didn’t miss the way Sen tried to push Koi back, obviously still protective of her and Inuyasha had to approve of that, even if it was unnecessary.

“I know you’re scared and wondering what the hell is going on,” he began and reached forward to drape his suikan over Koi’s shoulders. Her eyes widened and she flushed but said nothing, accepting it without question. “But I don’t have time to explain and if you wanna get out of here in one piece, you’re gonna have to trust me.”

Sen frowned, clearly skeptical, and she opened her mouth to say something. But then her eyes suddenly went very wide as she directed her gaze to something over his shoulder and he knew Entei had just landed behind him. Koi gasped and the look on her face was an endearing mixture of delight and awe.

“Entei will take you somewhere safe,” he explained as the large horse trotted up beside him and nudged his shoulder. “He’s not dangerous, and he does what I say without question. So when I say he’s to protect you two until I summon him back to me, he will. Understood?”

To his surprise, Koi nodded with a small smile and the fact that she trusted him already even though she barely knew him had something warm blooming in his chest. Sen, on the other hand, still looked like she was having a hard time processing everything, switching her gaze between him and Entei with a wary look on her face and biting her lip. She kept looking over her shoulder as if searching for something, and he knew she was looking for Miroku.

Inuyasha sighed, impatient, and before either of them could protest he grabbed Koi around the waist and effortlessly lifted her up onto Entei’s back. She gasped, hands fisting in his bright orange mane, and he turned to do the same thing to Sen. She went to step back but he didn’t give her the chance, snagging her around the waist and heaving her up behind Koi.

“Don’t,” he snapped when Sen looked about ready to tear him a new one, face red and brows low over her eyes. “I already said I don’t have time to argue with you, so just fucking trust me, alright? I’m trying to save your life, woman, so let me. Shut up, hang on, and don’t be scared of the fire. It won’t burn you.”

He glared her down and didn’t give her a chance to retort back. He glanced at Koi, who stared back at him with large blue eyes, before stepping back and gently slapping Entei’s rump.

“Get ‘em out of here,” he ordered and the demon horse snorted once before taking off, great hooves pounding into the dirt before giving a mighty leap and soaring into the sky. Predictably the women shrieked in surprise but Inuyasha paid them no mind, already turning around and unsheathing Tetsusaiga in the same movement. He stalked into the fray, ears pinned and scowling darkly.

He had some nasty blood demons to slaughter.

<<Prev || Next>>

Chapter Index

#koi no yokan #12 #inukag #inuyasha #inukag fanfiction #inuyasha fanfiction #keizfanfiction #oh and for those of you wondering why i updated this first before the oneshot that one the poll #i already had this written #before my computer up and died on me

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bisluthq · 4 years

Text

SS Tily does not lay claim to Lover; a thesis

I thought this would take me longer but y’all, I’m done with Part 2 of my Gaylor analyses. Unfortunately this chapter brings bad news for Tily nation. I honestly don’t think many of the songs on Lover are about that relationship. But I also think it’s not as simple as the mainstream Kaylor narrative would have us believe. Let’s dive into this, shall we?

First things first. I think it’s worth noting that many of the songs on this album are not about romantic relationships at all. Like it’s a bit of a marketing ploy to portray it as an album primarily about romantic love when so many songs explicitly aren’t about that feeling. In fact, there are more themes on Lover than on any of her earlier stuff - it’s something she expands on in folklore.

I Forgot That You Existed, The Man, The Archer (which I firmly believe is about her debating coming out), Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince (very obviously about the political situation generally and supported by the doccie title), London Boy, Soon You’ll Get Better, YNTCD, and ME! are all about explicitly different themes. Obviously there are a couple references within those (like ME! has that line about “I never leave well enough alone” which reappears on the 1, and The Archer mentions someone “staying” but I still think ME! is about self-love not romantic love and The Archer is about personal anxiety around identity). Fundamentally, they are not love songs.

I don’t think that’s really up for debate. The only one I can see anyone - say Toes or like hardcore Tily fans - debating is London Boy. Unfortunately for my Tily babes, I do think it’s satire that serves as a homage to Joe and the other British beards, and possibly riffs a teeny bit on her time with Lily. Contrary to some gold medalists in Kaylor mental gymnastics, I fully believe Tay does make reference to Joe in her lyrics (I’ve mentioned the fictional verse for Dress and the reference to “keeping him” in Ready for It). This really doesn’t have any of the hallmarks of Tily songs off of Rep. The British references in CIWYW, KOMH and Delicate are subtle and chilled and actually quite cute. London Boy is an onslaught of non-sequiturs about London, the UK and her beards. Also “stories from uni” fits both Joe and Tom H, but it doesn’t fit Lily who never went to university. All her Lily songs are about hiding out in private; London Boy is all about galavanting around town with “his” friends (Lily and Tay had the same friends though?) It’s simply not about the same person or the same relationship.

I do think there’s a chance it could be poking fun (lightly) at Lily/that period she spent in London because as I’ve already said I think Tay is not above shading ex-girlfriends and it seems like the kind of thing Karlie would’ve also found a bit funny. I think when she got back together with Karlie - which almost definitely happened - she would’ve 100% laughed about the “say you fancy me not fancy stuff” era. That would explain the recurrence of both Motown and queen imagery, which first appeared on KOMH. But where KOMH felt very genuine and authentic, this one is obviously meant to be funny.

Right. So. Now that we’ve established 8 songs are about other themes, let’s get the Kaylor songs sorted: Cruel Summer, Cornelia Street, DBATC, False God and Daylight are all undeniably about Karlie fucking Kloss. They all feature the images and tropes and hallmarks that pepper Karlie songs. They all have the same kinds of emotions. And they paint a pretty sad, troubling and complex picture.

Cruel Summer comes first and seems to mostly be about their first breakup, which she first referred to on DWOHT. We have Tay once again begging Karlie to stay and work it out and not being certain for sure about her feelings.

We say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

We're not trying (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

I mean that’s super sad. Tay’s saying they discussed how they’ll fuck it all up, and she’s feeling like they’re not even trying to fix things. You also have that “I want it” which is interesting considering the “we” that preceded it. “We’re” not trying because only “I want it”. Ouch.

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

And it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

Here we have “I’m always waiting for you” which yet again suggests Tay is the one who’s more invested. Then we have the shape of “your” body (which is a familiar concept from Dress), but the feeling it gives her here is blue here not gold - maybe that’s why the shape is new? In the past Karlie’s body made her feel golden but now it’s a bluer, sadder feeling. Blue starts recurring more frequently on these late era Kaylor songs. There’s a possible alternate reading, which is blue = Swiftgron (“my love had been frozen deep blue”). It’s a nice theory but it just doesn’t gel with the garden gate below. Also, while both relationships seem to have been colored by commitment issues, the premise of unrequitedness doesn’t really feature on the songs about Di. She asks Di to stay, tells her she’s thinking of her, and they’re “too in love to think straight” but Tay never says Karlie loves her back. Ever. It’s never expressly mutual.

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (Oh)

Said, "I'm fine," but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (Oh)

And I scream, "For whatever it's worth

I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

He looks up, grinning like a devil

Look at that fourth line. It perfectly fits with the Kaylor narrative on Rep and it doesn’t fit the Tily songs at all. She wanted to keep that second relationship private and secret and hidden. And here she’s saying “I don’t want to keep secrets” - this is take two of “I don’t want you like a best friend”. Also the “for whatever it’s worth” reminds me of “here’s the truth” from End Game. It’s the kind of thing you’d say in the midst of a fight.

Then we have her screaming “I love you” and receiving no reply as usual beyond a devilish grin. The more I do these analyses the less I understand how or why Kaylor gets romanticized in the way it does, while Swiftgron gets bashed for toxicity. Like my girl Tay has a thing for chaotic lesbians with commitment issues and Kaylor seems like it was WILD.

Back to the lyrics, this time let’s look at Kaylor anthem Cornelia Street:

We were in the backseat

Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar

"I rent a place on Cornelia Street"

I say casually in the car

We were a fresh page on the desk

Filling in the blanks as we go

As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead

Leading us home

I find this whole song really interesting because it features one of Tay’s favorite ideas - glamorizing normal people things. It’s like the time with the “motel bar” in Getaway Car. Like she 100% was thrilled to be able to say “I’m renting this apartment” - never mind that it’s basically a whole ass house. I actually think the above verse is really beautiful. I know I give Kaylor a lot of shit but obviously there were beautiful moments and Tay had/has plenty of good memories.

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name

And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

I mean frankly this verse above is super insecure in the standard Kaylor way. Tay’s saying she’s terrified of Karlie walking away and that she “hopes” she never loses her. The tone is sad, forlorn and a little desperate. I also think it’s interesting that she says she’d never walk Cornelia Street again, and that the city screams Karlie’s name and then on hoax she goes ahead and says she left a part of herself back in New York. It’s almost like her fears and anxieties did prove justified. Poor baby.

Windows flung right open, autumn air

Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours

We bless the rains on Cornelia Street

Memorize the creaks in the floor

Back when we were card sharks, playing games

I thought you were leading me on

I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street

Before you even knew I was gone

But then you called, showed your hand

I turned around before I hit the tunnel

Sat on the roof, you and I

Those first four lines seem to be about the good again, and I’m happy for them. I really do think they had good times. Those four lines make me think of parts of YAIL and the toast and weekends and stuff.

The rest of this verse though seems to be about the first split and subsequent reunion. “I thought you were leading me on” she says, and I “left Cornelia Street” presumably to go to London. But then Karlie called her back, “showed her hand” and Tay “turned around” before she reached the point of no return and they worked it out. “Sat on the roof, you and I” is similar in content to “up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush” but very different in tone. She’s not peppy here, she’s not positive. It’s a little bit tortured - and then it continues with “hoping it never ends”. The reappearance of the Tily imagery on Kaylor 2.0 songs makes sense to me, again, because discussing exes in the same social circle as you is just blatant lesbian culture. It makes complete sense that these two women are on Taylor’s mind. She has really really deep feelings for Karlie but she enjoyed the more simple and straightforward relationship she had with Lily.

DBATC is the Kaylor 1.0 breakup anthem:

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

Flashbacks waking me up

I get drunk, but it's not enough

'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby

I look through the windows of this love

Even though we boarded them up

Chandelier's still flickering here

'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not

It's death by a thousand cuts

We have her getting drunk to forget, trying to say “I’m fine” when it’s not true, and just generally missing Karlie.

I dress to kill my time, I take the long way home

I mean, this is Cornelia Street (“never walk here again”) and Dress all over again. It’s the two ideas from before but now on the other side, because they’re actually broken up.

And what once was ours is no one's now

I see you everywhere, the only thing we share

Is this small town

You said it was a great love, one for the ages

But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

“I see you everywhere” is very “this city screams your name” and I think “small town” is a metaphor for their social circle. The last two lines are just Tay being hung up on Karlie. She was writing pages in Cornelia Street as well, so this whole idea of telling a story with Karlie is another recurrent image.

My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club

Our songs, our films, united, we stand

Our country, guess it was a lawless land

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust

Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up

Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough

But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

I mean this is the usual obsession, desperation and general pining Tay has for Karlie. We also have Karlie touching her briefly, which is something she has spoken about before and is really into. Paper-thin plans is probably about the plans to make it work? We have that image reparations later in hoax so I think it’s most likely about Karlie bailing on Tay’s PR game and doing her own thing and/or Karlie’s (accidental?) involvement in the masters heist.

Also, this whole song is very sad but it’s not on the level of desperation I would expect if Tay wasn’t rebounding hard and if they didn’t reunite. She’s pretty sad about how the whole thing went down but she does say she’ll “be alright” which is the opposite of “that’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend”. I think she wrote this after the first breakup and Cornelia Street came later, after they were back together. That’s when she really went all in into this relationship. It still wasn’t enough.

False God is about their reunion:

We were crazy to think

Crazy to think that this could work

Remember how I said I'd die for you?

We were stupid to jump

In the ocean separating us

Remember how I'd fly to you?

We know Tay ran away to Europe after the mess of 2016 and here she jumps into the ocean separating them and flies back to Karlie. The idea of it being “crazy” that it could work is also a recurrent fear/anxiety she has with regards to Karlie. “I had a bad feeling,” remember?

And I can't talk to you when you're like this

Staring out the window like I'm not your favorite town

I'm New York City, I still do it for you, babe

They all warned us about times like this

They say the road gets hard and you get lost

When you're led by blind faith, blind faith

They’re figuring things out, and Tay is New York - Karlie’s favorite city. “I still do it for you” is an admission of affection, which rarely happens in Kaylor songs, but it’s so sexual that I don’t find it shocking or out of character.

But we might just get away with it

Religion's in your lips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship

We might just get away with it

The altar is my hips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship this love

I mean sex songs are just peak Kaylor and this is all just so so so gay and I don’t understand how hets can make it make srnse. “We might just get away with it” is the usual Kaylor anxiety by the way.

I know heaven's a thing

I go there when you touch me, honey

Hell is when I fight with you

But we can patch it up good

Make confessions and we're begging for forgiveness

Got the wine for you

And you can't talk to me when I'm like this

Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you

You're the West Village

You still do it for me, babe

They all warned us about times like this

They say the road gets hard and you get lost

When you're led by blind faith, blind faith

Standard Kaylor imagery with sensual touching, wine and New York and a direct reference to Karlie’s apartment. I think “make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness” appears to refer to the reunion.

Daylight is a very beautiful love song for Karlie. The “golden”, the bodies intertwining, New York, and the depth of her emotions all fit the Kaylor story and narrative. I think she wrote this when they were back together. It’s also, as is common with the Kaylor songs, squarely from Tay’s perspective. She wrote it alone, and I think specifically for Karlie when they reunited. Very pretty, very nice. I mean they ended up breaking up and that was bound to happen in like every other song but when they were good Tay did create some gems and they were very happy. I love this song and I do like aspects of Kaylor’s time together.

Now we get onto the songs that don’t neatly fit Kaylor.

Afterglow could be a Kaylor song. But it could also be about the breakup with her rebound. It’s not only by Tay, so we’re looking for broad themes rather than specifics necessarily.

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it's all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow

I don’t know that this sounds like the Kaylor breakup we heard about. It’s a different premise to False God, DBATC and Cornelia Street. In all of those songs it was a mutual breakup/misunderstanding. “I can’t talk to you” and then “you can’t talk to me” in False God is a two-way communication issue. DBATC goes off at Karlie for taking up every part of her and “giving up on me”. Cornelia Street said Tay thought Karlie was “leading her on” but that was resolved. Then Afterglow goes and lays all the blame on Tay.

I lived like an island, punished you with silence

Went off like sirens, just crying

Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

I mean this really does sound like it’s Tay fucking up badly. Not wanting to let the other person in, taking it out on them, hurting her lover.

It's so excruciating to see you low

Just wanna lift you up and not let you go

This ultraviolet morning light below

Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh

This really doesn’t sound like the Kaylor fear and stress. It sounds like the cerebral and emotional connection from Rep. “It’s so excruciating to see you low” seems tied up with the heart to hearts and conversations she was having in those secondary songs on Rep.

Tell me that you're still mine

Tell me that we'll be just fine

Even when I lose my mind

I need to say

Tell me that it's not my fault

Tell me that I'm all you want

Even when I break your heart

I need to say

This just seems like a very different plan for fixing things than the one outlined in the Kaylor songs (which is “let’s bone”). Also “I break your heart” is an anxiety that seems to parallel the burgeoning love in Delicate, KOMH and CIWYW. It doesn’t seem like a Kaylor fear because Tay is always the one who wants Karlie more. I believe this is mostly a Tily breakup song.

Then we get the three happy songs on the album: Lover, I Think He Knows and Paper Rings. It’s actually pretty intense that there are only three peppy, romantic songs on an album largely touted by Gaylors and Hetlors alike as being about a happy long term relationship.

You want my controversial explanation for these songs? They’re fictional. All three are extremely vague and lacking in any of the Karlie/other person imagery. They’re like New Year’s Day and some of the early stuff.

I Think He Knows is a very hetro song. It physically pains me to say that, it really does, but nothing about it seems gay to me. I guess “boyish look” is something you could say about some women but that’s really a reach. Also it’s just very much not a relatable lesbian emotion. I’ve never met a queer woman being like “yeah I think she KNOWS, you know?” about her girlfriend. “She’s so obsessed with me and boy I understand” would make no sense. Us sapphics are compulsive overthinkers. And that’s what comes across on all her songs about Karlie and about Di and even those Tily songs from Rep. That’s largely why Tay’s stuff is so damn gay.

Tay’s permanently anxious - even on her love songs, there’s a thread of anxiety running through it all. This song is missing any of that anxiety. This song also has so, so many male pronouns…. And “I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans” is an objectively weird thing to say about a relationship. It just doesn’t strike me as sapphic, and it definitely doesn’t strike me as being about Karlie lr Lily or Di. Also Nashville is 16th Avenue and I don’t know why any of the women would be associated with Nashville.

That Nashville reference makes me think that maybe the song is inspired by the music industry generally? If you go look at 16th Avenue by Lacy J. Dalton, there’s a clear narrative about the music industry. I think it’s possible that Tay’s song is referencing the love she feels for and from the music industry and her fans. That would tie into the architectural plans, being 17 (she often speaks about being stuck at that age because it’s when she got famous), and “he’s so obsessed with me” makes sense when you’re AOTD. Even the “attitude” line makes sense in this interpretation.

This bit:

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We can follow the sparks, I'll drive

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We can follow the sparks, I'll drive

"So where we gonna go?"

I whisper in the dark

"Where we gonna go?"

I think he knows

Is a little harder to make sense of and seems like it could maybe be about Lily or at least inspired by her - there’s the car/driving theme from the secondary Rep relationship and Lily does have indigo eyes (they’re way bluer than Joe’s). So maybe she used images and diaries from that period to add to the story about Nashville? But overall this smugness just doesn’t strike me as very gay and in general the song doesn’t seem to be about any one woman in her history. Also “better lock it down or I won’t stick around” is so very hetro and like… untortured.

Paper Rings is not about Karlie but I also don’t think it’s about Lily.

The moon is high

Like your friends were the night that we first met

Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet

Now I've read all of the books beside your bed

The wine is cold

Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street

Cat and mouse for a month or two or three

Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

This is not about Karlie. We’ve heard repeatedly that they fell in love at first sight so “month or two or three” is kinda wild? Like they full on U-Hauled it with the Big Sur trip and Tay moving to New York and Karlie basically moving into her apartment. They were never cat and mouse? Also Karlie was a supermodel by the time they met one another so “trying to stalk you on the internet” seems a bit of an odd way to phrase it. There would’ve been plenty to find. They both had big reputations. Moreover, they had multiple mutual friends so “your friends” is also an odd turn of phrase. How does this verse fit any aspect of the Kaylor love story?

In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool

When you jumped in first, I went in too

I'm with you even if it makes me blue

Which takes me back

To the color that we painted your brother's wall

Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws

We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

This is also very not Kaylor lol except for the tall part. The chilled out hanging out and swimming and wall painting sounds more like the songs about Tily on Rep.

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings

Uh huh, that's right

Darling, you're the one I want, and

I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

Uh huh, that's right

Darling, you're the one I want

In paper rings in picture frames in dirty dreams

Oh, you're the one I want

This seems like it could be Tily because of the “we went from friends to this” (Kaylor were never friends, and had no intention of being friends, they’ve literally only ever dated). But I’m not sure Tay ever wanted to marry Lily? That’s not what comes across in the other Tily songs.

I want to drive away with you

I want your complications too

I want your dreary Mondays

Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

The driving and the chilledness is similar to the Tily songs but I’m still not sold. It really doesn’t feel particularly authentic.

Also, I know I mostly do lyric analysis but I’d like to include this quote from Tay about the song: “This song talks about true love, and if you really find true love, you probably don't really care what the symbolism of that love is. Material things wouldn't matter to you anymore if you found someone that you just wanted to live your life with.” The quote is distinctly hypothetical. “You probably don’t really care” “wouldn’t” “if you found”....

My gut says this is based around positive romantic relationships she has had but is extrapolated to a rosy conclusion. One day, Tay’s gonna want to marry someone with paper rings. But for now it’s a fictional hypothetical. None of the details fit any of her relationships. It’s made up. That’s why it includes the “baby boy” line... because it’s fiction.

And now for the really hot take… Lover is equally made up, although she was - again - inspired by her real relationships.

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January

This is our place, we make the rules

And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

This is continuing the themes from New Year’s Day which always strikes me as a “what if” rather than an actual ode to one of the muses. That final line seems like it could be about Karlie but the absolute calmness with which she sings makes it seem like it’s not about her. The mysterious way is also a brand new image and considering how much she sings about Karlie you would’ve thought we’d have had that image at least once before?

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out and take me home

You're my, my, my, my

Lover

I mean this doesn’t sound like Kaylor. Part of the anxiety there is always about going places together and being seen. It does have bits that seem like Tily to me; “take me out and take me home” kind of reminds me of the “meet me in the back” and “can we always be this close” seems similar to “is it chill that you’re in my head?”

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

The first three lines could be about either Karlie or Lily although I don’t know if Tily had “their place”. Kaylor definitely did.

That last line… is kinda why I think this is mostly fiction. I mean we know it doesn’t make sense for Toe. We know that. And I know about the gymnastics to fit it as a Kaylor song. But the thing is, even if she wrote it around the time that they went away to Wyoming, why wouldn’t she update it when recording it? It literally doesn’t fit the Toe timeline so it can’t be that she wanted it for that. She could’ve made it vague. But no she says “three summers”. Where else have we heard about “three summers”?

September saw a month of tears

And thankin' God that you weren't here

To see me like that

But in a box beneath my bed

Is a letter that you never read

From three summers back

It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet

That’s from Tim McGraw.

She just likes that image. It recurs. It’s not about Karlie, and it’s not about Lily, and it’s obviously not about Joe. It’s just a pretty turn of phrase. She loves counting in summers and Cruel Summers and the summer in Betty/august…. It’s not something she associates with one person.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my

Lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be over-dramatic and true to my

Lover

This whole wedding bit doesn’t make sense for either Kaylor or Tily or Swiftgron. Like she’s constantly questioning Karlie’s commitment to her. And you want me to believe she’s singing vows? Lol no.

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat

Lover

Very cute. Very non-specific. Not about any one partner.

So this supposed ode/serenade to Karlie doesn’t feature any of the images associated with her and doesn’t include any details that actively fit their relationship arc as described elsewhere except for jealousy and possibly love at first sight.

These three peppy love songs - which make up the minority of songs on the album - are about Taylor’s manifestations for the future. ITHK could be about the industry more generally. The other two are describing what she wants and what she pictures as ideal for a relationship.

So conclusions: a large chunk of the songs on Lover aren’t about romance. Many, many are about Karlie. Afterglow could be about Lily and some of the regrets Tay had about the split. Paper Rings, I Think He Knows and Lover aren’t about anyone in particular.

Last thought: I agree that It’s Nice To Have a Friend is about lesbians generally. But also possibly about Karlie, in which case the final verse is Karlie choosing the marriage with Josh and in that case the song is fucking devastating and heartbreaking. But tbh a lot about Kaylor is so it’s no surprise 🤷🏻‍♀️

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As usual, I’m up to discuss this. Do you agree? Disagree? Let’s talk! xx

#tily nation where you at #tily #taylorswift #lyric analysis #lover #taylor swift #gaylor swift #kaylor #lover analysis

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