#One of my life goals is to let you create the most fucked up collage in the world

[alchemistposting]

My ideal future would be to be a mortuary house director who kind of dips her paw into all parts of the process (helping grieving families, coffin design and pricing, cosmetic and embalming procedures) which would both provide the income AND the challenge of asserting kindness, driving community, and working towards a death positive future. And. most importantly. It gets me one step closer to somehow getting family permission to take a part of someone’s body and just fuck around and find out and make some REALLY weird art.

[youralternantpersonality]

Anniversary

Embry x Reader: Anniversary

Y/n: your name

Y/L/N: your last name

Y/g: your gender

Y/e/c: your eye color

Y/h/c(t): your hair color or type

***

Our first anniversary was coming up and I was nervous. I didn’t know what to give this man. He had done so much for me and he had been through so much before we met. He stayed strong throughout the vampire army bullshit and much more. He dealt with my feelings through that time while he was battling his own. I could be nothing but grateful to have him in my life. Which lead me up to this moment. What thy fuck do I give this man. I had already given myself, so I couldn’t necessarily do that. I would say we could try some freaky shit, but I already have that in mind for later that night.

“Fuck!” I say out loud, slamming my head on the dinner table.

“You okay their boo?” Clair asked, changing baby Sam’s diaper.

“No. I can’t figure out what to give Embry for our anniversary. He’s done so much and been through so much, I want to give him something special.”

“Why not go to the toy store and get something?” Great minds think alike.

“No, I planned that for later. I need something else.” Baby Sam cooed and laugh as Clair picked him up to give to me. I bounced him on my leg.

“What do you think little man? You got any ideas?” I ask little Sam, hoping that he’d give me some idea. He just smiled and grabbed my nose then laughed when I nibbled on his wrist.

“Oh! I know! A baby!” Clair laughs. I look at her with a blank face.

“I’ll do that later.”

“What about one of your artworks? He loves them and you can make one for him.” I shake my head,

“He has a billion of them at his place. His mom even took some to work with her to give to some coworkers who came over. I need something. Anything.”

“I’m sure, whatever it may be, he’ll love it, Hun. Don’t stress too much over it.” I nod my head and hug little man as he plays with my fingers.

“I have too. Sam has them working triple shifts lately, so I want to do something relaxing and special. I just don’t know what…”

Embry’s POV

Fuck Sam and his triple shift bitch. Sam and Jake have us running more drills and twice as much of doing patrol. There hasn’t been a vampire insight in 5 months. I get it, after the last one, the last thing we need is more kids popping up, finding out that they’re shapeshifters. Hell, it was awkward enough finding out I was one. Not wanting to know who my dad is, but having a feeling that Sam is my half-brother isn’t something I was planning on. But God damn, the most sleep we’ve gotten is maybe 2 hours, on a 24-hour schedule. And damn, I feel bad for how I’ve neglected Y/n/n. Y/g has stuck by me when we were dealing with the damn Vampire Mafia that came for the hybrid-child. No offense to Ren, but damn.

Our anniversary is coming up and I want to do something special for y/g. I asked Jake for a day off next Saturday to celebrate, thankfully he gave me it off, but in return, I have to almost run a 24-hour shift so my replacement can breathe. Honestly, it’s worth it, but I hope that I am awake to thoroughly celebrate it.

“Guys, I need your help,” I said to the pack at Emily’s house. Y/n had just left with Clair and Kim to the store.

“Uh oh, what happened? What did you fuck up this time?” Paul said laughing. I roll my eyes and brush the comment off.

“I need help with deciding on what to give Y/n/n,” I said, deep in thought looking into space.

“Just give her the d-”

“Don’t even finish that sentence, Jared Cameron,” Emily says, her back turned towards us as she finishes up making whatever it is she was making. Chicken? Smells like chicken…

“How about just make her something. She decorated all of our houses with her artwork, why don’t you just do the favor?” Brady said. It wasn’t a bad idea honestly.

“Yeah, just do nontoxic body paint. Create your artwork in bed…OUCH! Emily?” Emily slapped Jared upside the head.

“One more time and no dessert. I expected this from Paul. Good job Paul.”

“Thank you? I guess?” He said, looking both offended and appreciated for the backhanded compliment. In a distance, you can here Sam Jr laughing with Collin and Quil.

“Ouch! Damn son!”

“LANGUAGE!”

“SORRY EMILY!” they said in unison. Collin walking in with little Sam in, who has a hard grip on Quil’s hair.

“He won’t let go!” Sam laughs and reaches for his son.

“I got him,” Sam says walking away to change his diaper.

“Okay, can we get back to my situation?” I asked as patiently as possible.

“Em, just have a romantic night with her. Make her dinner, put in a movie, and relax. Or take her to the movies. Y/n isn’t for extravagance.”

“I know Emily, but that’s why I want to do something big.” I lean against the wall frustrated. She shakes her head and smiles.

“If you want to give her something, give her what you know she loves the most. Something that she can look at always and would just have her smiling effortlessly.”

“This doesn’t help me, but okay.” She laughs,

“You’ll think of something, I’m sure of it.” she winks and starts setting out the silverware.

“I still say you should do body art,” Jared said, below the normal hearing level. But ever since Emily gave birth to Sam Jr, her hearing has been on point.

“Jared…” his eyes go wide. “I heard that.” She says in a singing voice. Sam comes back with little man, who reaches for his mom. She smiles and reaches for him and kisses his head softly.

“And just or that comment, no dessert. Dinner’s ready boys. Jared, you go last.” Emily says focusing on the little man while walking out of the room.  

“Damnit!”

“LANGUAGE!” Sam Jr starts laughing in the background.

Saturday Night—Anniversary

I figured out what I was going to give Y/n. I was going to do a picture board or message board or whatever it’s called. I went to the school library and printed out a shit ton of pictures we’ve taken together and decided to write little messages underneath the pictures. What we were doing that day and when it was. Thank-fucking-God we have perfect memory. I also had my mom bake her favorite cookies—snickerdoodle and peanut butter. She will sit somewhere and eat a pack of 12 (homemade) of them and not even have a second thought. I’ve also seen her grab a spoonful and just eat peanut butter like it was nothing.

“Babe, you’re going to get sick. Aren’t you tired of peanut butter?” with a blank look on her face, no hesitation, she says,

“I don’t need this negativity in my life.” Then gets up, goes to my room, and closes the door as if she lives here.

As Courage the cowardly dog would say, “The things I do for love.”

Y/n POV

I figured out on what to give Embry, it took a minute to review all our conversations, but I finally figured out what I wanted to give him.

A camera.

Em has always loved taking pictures of scenery and things of nature. He’s always loved taking pictures of everyone caught off guard. Hell, he loved taking pictures of our memorable moments. I even remember the first one he took on our first date.

We were on the beach, just about to start eating when he forgot something in his truck. I didn’t know this at the time, but he snapped a photo of me and the candles surrounding me with the waves in perfect motion in the background. He never showed it to me, instead, he had it as a screensaver and when I saw it, he outed that he has a passion for photography. Thus, giving him, this would make him happy. He may not have time now, but I know that at any given chance, he’ll take this camera everywhere he goes.

“Y/n! Embry’s here!” My foster mom said. I tell her I’ll be down and finish wrapping his present. As I finish, I hear the front door slam. I look outside and see my parents head off somewhere in town I assume. I run downstairs to meet my lover and kiss him instantly. Although I saw him a few nights ago at Emily’s, I haven’t heard from him much.

“Hello to you too my love.” He says smiling down at me. I can’t help but smile brightly and feel my face heat up.

“I miss you. Happy anniversary babe!” I said with excitement. Hugging him, forgetting his present is in my hands. He laughs and leads me to the living room.

“I hope you like what I got you, I know it may not be much, but, I figured it would be something that you could look back on and smile when I’m not able to. I mean, it’s always my goal to make you smile, but like, just when I’m not around to do so. Which I always will be, unless they need me to patrol and stu-” I kiss him.

“I love you too babe. And I promise, I already know that I will love it.” I smile at him. He pulls out his gift for me and I’m in awe.

“I saw this idea on google. I figured; we could make a memory board every year to look back on. I also put the dates and events that made me take them. Most of them I took for no reason, but, some of them I figured we can look back on it and laugh. Oh! I also made you these!” Embry hands me a tuple ware of cookies. I take one bite and realize I will eat all these tonight. Not even going to complain about it.

“Babe! This is so…. oh my gosh, Embry!” I go up to hug him and kiss him. He used one of those science fair boards to create a collage of the pictures. Damn, I love this man.

“I love you Em, so fucking much. Now, it’s my turn. I hope you like it…” I have a feeling he will, but…

“No way...” I smile slightly and look at him. “You got me… Y/n, baby…” Before I could react, he pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead. I smiled and laughed.

“I take it that you like it?”

“I fucking love it! Y/n, you didn’t have to go all out like this! Shit, now I feel bad for giving you just that…”

“Nope! Embry Call don’t start. I love what you gave me, and I’m especially happy that you remember those little moments we had in those pictures. So, don’t try this bull shit love. Okay?” I said looking at him.

“Yes [ma’am/sir] …Does it have any film?”

“Yes, already inside.” He smiles at me brightly, turns it on, and starts playing with it until it's at his satisfaction.

“Come here.” He pulls me in for a kiss and suddenly, a flash goes off.

“Picture number one.” He smiles down at me and kisses me again.

“Happy anniversary babe.”

“Happy anniversary Y/n.”

Masterlist

[theherblifeblog]

33 Stimulating & Satisfying Activities to Do During Social Distancing

By Leighana Martindale

It’s an absolute bonkers time right now! Many of us are feeling anxious, fearful, depressed, and so many other intense feelings from the Coronavirus and hysteria surrounding it. Most of the world is currently partaking in social distancing, a lockdown, or quarantine. Either way, that’s a lot of free time at home!

Instead of falling into a negative pattern we can choose to do things differently, instead of scrolling on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook or binge watching Netflix we’ve brainstormed 33 stimulatory and satisfying activates you can do at your house. Don’t drag yourself down by consuming so much social media, news, and junk content. Fear lowers your immune system and now is the time to be building it up.

We all have the chance to use this as a learning opportunity, to focus on the projects we never have time for, to nurture our creative sides, and allow our inner child to come play! We have the ability to use this time to connect and grow.

33 Stimulating & Satisfying Activities to do During Social Distancing

*Safety Tip: Please keep in mind that some of these items only apply if you are not sick or experiencing symptoms. Not spreading germs is key right now so please don’t partake in activities that could jeopardize your health or other people’s health.

1. Breathing Exercises Breathing exercises are so good for calming and centering us. This can help combat the stress and anxiety you may experience. Corvid-19 has been nothing but stressful and if you haven’t been stressed once then you’re insanely amazing and I need to know what kind of goddess witch you are!

2. Yoga & Stretching This is another amazing way to connect with the body and ground yourself. When you are stretching or doing your poses, try to go slow and take your time. Mix these with your breathing exercises and really let gravity help relax and stretch your muscles. Especially your hips if you sit a lot.

3. Dancing This is such a great mood booster and something that may sound silly but will make you feel great! Make a playlist of your favorite jamz and get jiggy with it!

4. Exercise Helping combat stress again, breaking a sweat will you give you the happy endorphins which we all could use a little more right now. Plus we should be getting healthy and taking care of our bodies regardless!

5. Meditate Meditation is a great technique but one hard to master, give it a try and if you find you need help, Youtube has a lot of amazing guided meditations all varying to what you are looking for/need!

6. Collage Find some old magazines, newspapers, photos, or anything with pictures and make a collage! This can be time-consuming depending on how deep you get into but something really fun and satisfying when you finish.

7. Learn more about using CBD in your workout routines.

Give it try when/if you do any of the physical activities above.

8. Do a puzzle

Puzzles are so fun, especially ones that take you a while to figure out. Create a little corner in your home and start puzzling away. This is a great activity for keeping the brain sharp.

9. Deep clean your house Oh yeah, this one isn’t the most fun but damn is it satisfying! What better way to come out of a lockdown than with a squeaky clean house that you can get the fuck out of!

10. Organize your house Go through that junk drawer, fold all that laundry, match those socks, all the annoying organizational stuff we tend to put off is the perfect thing to cross of the list.

11. Create a donate bin

Definitely DO NOT do this one if you are sick, but if you are not - start a donate pile to take to Goodwill once we’re allowed to socialize again.

12. Upload items to Depop and/or Poshmark If there were items in your donate that you want to sell now is the perfect time to upload them to resale apps. Why not try and make some extra cash if you can?

13. Learn more about the birthplace of medical cannabis

Taking this time to expand your knowledge is a great way to spend your time so why not learn about the place that changed it all for legalizing cannabis.

14. Read some books Books are always are favorite and there are so many great ones! Check out our recommended reads here.

15. Watch Abstract on Netflix Definitely not the mind-numbing type of TV you might normally be attracted to, Abstract is a really amazing documentary on various artists who do a lot of nature like and perception based abstract art.

16. Watch Our Planet on Netflix Another great one, Our Planet is perfect to watch while stoned yet you still learn a lot about nature therefore making it okay.

17. Watch The Universe on Netflix Like Our Planet is The Universe which is a similar concept expect about space and one we would recommend.

18. Watch Unacknowledged on Netflix Finally, learn more about extraterrestrials and how they are peaceful from my hero Dr. Steven Greer. This is honestly the #1, absolute best and most credible documentary on aliens I have ever seen. Definite must watch!

19. Learn more about growing your own weed indoors Nothing like a time like this to make you think about growing your own, and I’m not talking about just vegetables but weed too. Self-sustainability is the true goal.

20. Learn more about Cannabis and the ancient science of Ayurveda

The word Ayurveda can be translated to ‘the science of life’ or the ‘the are of longevity’,

21. Practice learning another language There are tons of free courses on Spotify and Youtube. Give it a try!

22. Journal Check-in with yourself. Read previous journal entries and just connect with your deeper self. Sometimes it’s crazy what can surface when we just start writing.

23. Learn a new skill by watching Youtube channels There are SO MANY YouTube videos out there and on pretty much everything there is. So pick something that you’ve always been interested in and start learning!

24. Clean your computer files and desktop Oh yeah, not fun but SO necessary.

25. Delete photos from your phone Again, you’ve got a lot of time and when are you ever going to actually do it if you don’t do it now?

26. Delete old conversations from your phone

Yup, keep going. You’re going to be clutter-free!

27. Clear your email storage

Go through your inbox and delete any spam/promotions/ trash Definitely the most intimidating task but one that many of us need to do. Did you know all your emails take us physical storage on the server? So that means there are islands of servers out there taking up space and energy that hold your spam.

28. Call and catch up/check in with your family, friends, and any elders in your life.

Especially now, just do it. Even if you don’t get along that well, a little kindness can go a very long way.

29. Read up on local politics and prep for the election *Trigger warning: This may add wayyy more stress and anxiety but also it’s really important and the elections coming no matter way, so are the primaries. Be prepared.

30. Contact your mayor to ask for their plan on handling meals for children when the schools shut down

Many schools are shutting down, some school districts have made it a priority to provide meals for the children still because for many that is their only meal. So please ensure your community is feeding people who don’t have food.

31. Find out what efforts to feed people are going on in your community and see how you can contribute

Again, this is so important, if you think this is scary for you, just imagine someone who can’t eat now, has no home, is looking at getting evicted, etc.

32. Spread love not germs and practice your daily positive affirmations Positive affirmations, love, positive affirmations, love. Spread it, spread it, spread it! [not germs though].

33. Digital Detox Connect and share love. But also this can be overwhelming so do a digital detox one day. The amount of negativity in the air is inescapable if we are constantly feeding it to ourselves.

No matter what you do, just remember to stay safe, boost your immune system, and wash your hands!

[inboldmagazine]

INBOLD MEETS: Nwaobiala, the artist healing the hidden traumas of the African Diaspora

Nwaobiala poses with paintings created by BAKHITA. Photo taken by BAKHITA. Interview and Text by Nandi Ndoro. 

Nwaobiala (they/them/their) is the mixed-media artist the African Diaspora never knew it needed. Hailing from Nigeria and Prince George's County, Maryland, Nwaobiala is a 21-year-old creative using short films, photography, personal essays, mixed-media collages, and other mediums of art to promote self-care and self-expression.

Since starting university as a pre-med major to appease their traditional parents, Nwaobiala has been shifting into full-time artistry. Addressing everything from their first time having an STI to intergenerational abuse amongst African mothers, Nwaobiala's art is powerful, especially to black people who have never been able to have these conversations. There is no doubt that as they continue to explore their artistic capabilities, they are creating a movement of young black people who seek to explore, expose, and heal the hidden traumas of communities in the African Diaspora.

Nwaobiala’s most recent project, “we are more than bodies,” explores the effects of cultural homophobia in Queer Nigerian Americans via photography and digital collaging.

Nwaobiala sat down with Inbold in July to talk about their upbringing and what it has been like being honest in communities that often promote secrecy.  

How did you get into art?

I've been writing stories ever since I was in 2nd grade. I showed them to my teachers but never to my parents. They used to say, "You have to be a doctor. You have to go to medical school." They still say that. Then from seventh grade to the middle of 10th grade, I went to school in Nigeria. When I came back to the States, I ended up in this English class taught by this really dope, black woman. When we got to the Poetry unit, I didn't know how to write poetry but I ended up writing a piece about women empowerment. I performed it in front of the class and I got a standing ovation. I was like, "Wow, I'm actually kind of good at this." Then, during my senior year of high school, I took a TV production class and that was the first time I ever held a camera. I thought it was cool how some people used visuals to tell their stories. I had started working around that time so I decided to buy myself a camera. I had also just come out of a terrible breakup so it was perfect timing. I was still using that camera when I got to college.

When did you start doing slam poetry?

After that poetry performance about women empowerment, I found a lot of spoken word videos on YouTube which I became obsessed with. Then, during my freshman year of college, I joined CUPSI, the College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational, so I was competing in poetry slam events across the country. I did that for two years and it was really cool. That was really when I started to express myself more. I just met so many cool people doing their thing: being queer as hell and gay as shit. It was everything I needed. I'm taking a break this year though because I'm not really into slam poetry anymore.

Why is that?

At the time I was doing slam poetry, it was bringing up a lot of trauma in my life. I didn't have therapy and I couldn't deal with it. I feel like people want you to tell them about your traumatic experiences during performances but that's re-traumatizing for me. I needed to take a break. Looking back now, I don't think I'm going to go back to it. I also don't like when my writing is in that "slam poetry format". I realized that when I took poet Ariana Brown's workshop and I was like, "Wow, I hate the way my writing is structured." Once I left that format, I liked my writing a lot more.

How did you get into collages?  

Last year, I was at home for Christmas, and I was really bored. My parents are really strict so when I go home, I don't leave the house that much. So I was like, "Okay, let's make art." I couldn't take pictures though because it was cold, plus I needed models and transportation. I had been seeing people make digital collages so I started making them and they were a really big hit.

“we are more than bodies” by Nwaobiala

Are you still making them?

Definitely. I think digital collages are really cool because you get to put different parts together to create a whole new message. I have one about intergenerational trauma via mothers that's inspired by Safia Elhillo. She has literally some of the best diaspora poems that I've ever read, specifically from her book The January Children. The college is about how cultures that only see women as objects for breeding children, not as a people to be loved, impact our mothers. I think my mother is very much affected by that culture. She's not happy in her marriage but she'll still go around telling people, "At least I kept my man." I'm like, "Who cares?". That nigga stresses her out so why is she happy about that? I think a lot of women are unhappy in their marriages, especially in Nigeria. It makes me so sad. Even more, when I watched the Nina Simone documentary, it reminded me of this intergenerational trauma. Nina Simone was abused by her husband and went on to abuse her daughter. You can see the cycle of trauma within that situation. Now that I think about it, we all remember Nina Simone differently than how she really lived. Exploring that type of trauma and how we interact with our mothers is an example of what my collages are about. Outside of that, I'm also trying to get into music.

I was gonna ask you about that… music is the one thing you haven't conquered yet!

Yeah, I'm trying to get into DJing because I think it's so sexy.

Honestly, it is.

Yeah, but the equipment is a barrier. Same thing with photography. Honestly, all this art shit is extremely expensive. Photography is really expensive. The one lens that I have only cost me $30, so that's good. It's nice but it's not versatile. I've been applying to a million, trillion grants and they’re hard to get so I have to wait until I win some before getting more photography equipment. My laptop is also running out of storage every day because of my YouTube channel. Lol, it's just been a lot.

I love your videos!

Thank you! I actually make my videos via my external hard drive because I can't have them on my laptop. Oh, man. It's a mess. Art is expensive and tedious.

But it's something that you have to continue?

Oh, yeah. Art is the only thing that feels right to me. I'm not drawn to anything else. I don't see myself looking up YouTube videos about engineering, for example. I don't feel any type of drive to do anything but art. I'm interested in a variety of subjects but I like the medium of art. I like how it gets to people and I like making it.

“we are more than bodies” by Nwaobiala

What has your relationship with your parents been like since you started spending more time creating art?

My parents don’t really know about the art thing. See what had happened was, I had told my dad that I was going to go to university as a Bioengineering major to eventually get into medical school, I’m still on an engineering scholarship, but my first semester was so stressful. It was really anxiety-inducing and I was stressed about my GPA all the time. I couldn’t live like that. So I changed my major to Industrial engineering, which even though it’s still STEM, my dad doesn’t approve.

But being a full-time artist is the goal?

Yes. I’m building my brand now with my website and social media. I’m mostly financially independent so even if my parents tell me I can’t do it, I’m just gonna do it.

When did you start identifying with the Diaspora as opposed to just Africans in general?

The Diaspora is home for me. Even though I grew up in Nigeria partly, I can't fully identify with Nigerians because I do have that "Americanness" in me. Whenever I have a dissenting opinion about our culture, they often attribute it to me being "spoiled" or "damaged" by western culture.

Yeah, that "Americanness" will separate you so fast from an African community.

Facts. It's just hard for a lot of people to understand or see any other point of view that's different from theirs. But recently, I've been connecting with a lot of people that I went to boarding school within Nigeria. Some of them are roaring feminists now and that's hella cool. I know two who are queer so I would really like to interview them. In Nigeria, the ignorance about queer identity is real. Actually, I don't even have to go back there to feel the ignorance. I can just go to a family reunion or talk to my Dad. It's really hard to deal with, honestly. It makes me so mad that I need to calm myself down.

Who are some of your influences?

Oh man, this question is so hard! I need to pull out my Instagram. One of the first people that comes to mind is Yagazie Emezi. She's a Nigerian photographer and she's a trailblazer. I like everything that her work revolves around. I also like her personality: she's the type of person to say that the photography industry is really white and male and that they all want you to be a certain type of way. They want you to be quiet and aloof. You're just an artist so you can't have a presence to you. But she's like "Fuck all of that! I'm going to be whoever I want and you should just take it or leave it." She also doesn't let people dangle money in front of her and she's very successful. Who else? Oh, Koffee, the musician! She's just herself and I love it.

What has your networking been like with other artists?

A lot of my friends are artists. I have one friend who I went to school with in Nigeria and in the States as well. Her name is Crystal Anokam and she's an amazing photographer. She's really been my support system because she's also a Nigerian American so she knows what's up. In general, I surround myself with a lot of people from the African Diaspora. If you're Diaspora: I want to value your work, I want to pay for your work, I want to see your work. I care about the stories that you're telling. That's the art I want to see. I hate going to museums sometimes because there's so much white art! If I wanted to see white art, I'd go to church. For example, the MFA in Boston is hella white. I was there one time and this teacher was taking a group of students through the African art section. The teacher said to the students, "Oh yeah, this is the African art. We haven't really talked about Africa this year..." and he just kept speeding past all the work. I was like, "Bruh, this is your chance to talk to your students about our continent!" It's sad because there were black kids in that group too. But yeah, I like to surround myself with people who have that background because they know where I'm coming from. Even if our parents don't support our art, we know that the art that we create matters. It's so important for us to talk about heavy subjects and these stories because no one is specifically scouting for African artists. You have to push yourself into the spotlight. You also need to be able to connect with other people. Ever since I started my YouTube channel, I've had so many people message me and tell me "Damn, I'm going through the exact same thing!" It's nice to hear people say that and to be able to have these difficult conversations. Sometimes I feel like I'm just kind of here by myself. This shit can get rough so that's nice.

You can find more of Nwaobiala’s work at www.nwaobiala.com, on Instagram @nwaobiala, or on YouTube: nwaobiala. 

[vivipuppy]

neil 4, 8 even though i've listened to his entire playlist, 16 bc ik u love his relationship w his moms, 20, 28, 32, 36, 44, 64, 68. brorre 6, 15, 21, 27, 33, 39, 45, 51, 57, 63, 69. moro 1, 10, 14, 22, 30, 34, 42, 46, 58. nyatalia 17, 25, 57!

Sho you madman. This is so many thank you. Im going to put these out based on the character, as to not just be a really shitty wall of text on my blog. isntead it will be 4 walls.

Neil, the Old One Warlock who, after falling from grace as the most intelligent person in the most intelligent city of the world, his paranoia and fear of the world around him turned up past 11

4) if they could learn one spell that isn’t available to them at present, which spell would it be? Neil ended as an 8th level warlock, so he never got to super high stuff. THE most neil spell is Maddening Darkness, the 8th level evocation spell. A 60 ft sphere of darkness that nothing can illuminate beyond 8th level or high spells. Filled with gibbering shrieks and mad laughter. Its not a very STRONG spell, but its a large area, and his inability to control his magic surfacing with aoe spells was a big thing for me to do with him, as well as the flavor just fitting so well.

8) 3 songs that fit them

Haha i always had so much trouble with neil's playlist. Always felt like too like... shitty whiny white boy music was so self depreciating and neil is, at his core, incapable of self depreciation. His ego is core to his character.

Still Feel by Half Alive will always be a neil song to me

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees is like... probably like. THE neil song to me.

And... i cant NOT include touch tone telephone right? the song that created him, despite it not really fitting him anymore? I cant not include that, its too important to creating him. He's as far away from the energies or themes of that song as possbile now, but i have to include it.

16) what are their feelings on the people who raised them? This is.... a very hard question. His moms love him, and he... loves them. But a big big part of what made him so obsessed with knowledge and the need to handle anything the collage put him through was because of them in the first place. He didnt have friends, he had them. And they pushed him to chase his dream, because it WAS his dream. He always saw that tower, and wanted to be there, because everyone who was anyone was going there. But when it became too much.... he couldnt let them down. They were his only support and he was an adult now who could see that they were getting older and unable to get out of their intense poverty that he couldnt just NOT finish his schooling. And he... he resents that. But he knows its not fair, but he still does. He loves them, but they're the only ones, so that becomes a problem. 20) which of the five senses do they rely on the most? Sound. Tell when a spell is cast, tell how many footprints, and most importantly- when he listens to peoples thoughts, thats the Only thing you can trust. Is when you sneak into their mind and hear their true thoughts. Actions cant be trusted, thats easy. He knows how to lie- everyone does, then. Sound. Just gotta open up your ears to hear more than people think they do

28) who would they kill? who would they kill for? Who? anyone, really. Which sounds crass, which sounds cold, but... neil would never take the life of an innocent unless it garunteed the saftey of more than the one he had to take. His cold logic is harsh, but in the end, the results are proven. And for who? Well... for Justice, Buck and Cho of course. He cant do what he set out to do alone, and whether they agree or even have the same goal, he knows they'll listen if he tries to make them. And together they can accomplish a lot.

32) Do they seek control? Or do they want less of it? Whoooo boy another tough one. He wants control. He needs it. But... but if he could release it completely.... thats what he REALLY wants. But... but he doesnt trust another soul as much as he trusts himself. HE can do things NOBODY else can. So HE is the one who needs control. HE must do it. Nobody else can be trusted to. But really, deep down... if he could just let go of the magic... if he could stop staring at the stars that whisper to him how small he is... he would. In a heartbeat. But he cant just let go. He has to do this. He is the only one he can trust to.

36) whats a secret that they kept? TBH NONE mmgf he's so.... he was meant to hold onto his big secret stuff of becoming a warlock for a Long time, but it kinda came out the first time it came under pressure by people he couldnt just run from. If anything, id say his ex is a sore spot, but not necessarily a SECRET he's keeping.

44) what do they need to learn? go back to 32 and read that. He needs to get off his high fucking horse. Even though hes come SO far in letting other people INTO his life, i genuienly dont know if he'll ever let go of his ego in the way he needs to. Its the only thing that protected him for the years he was alone, and even before that it was such a good thing to have people look up to you the way he did. His ego is important because without it, i genuinely think he would just... crumble and not... do... anything. And really, that would be for the best, if he could let it stay that way and find happiness as a normal person. But he cant be a normal person. He has to be Polaris Neil, Walking Encyclopedia, Book King of Stuenia. Or else who is he, if not that?

64) Do they value justice or mercy more? well Justice is the name of his friend. Also... mercy? mercy gets you nothing. Mercy is the act of not following through.Justice? yeah. Yeah the guy whos killed innocents and will kill again should be stopped. its simple mathmatics. To hurt people is wrong. So he shall stop it.

68) What was the best moment of their life? ... I mean. It... was probably being accepted into the college... the joy he felt then was amazing... he finally got what he wanted... his mothers made a delicious stew, and hugged him tightly and talked about all the memories they shared of looking at that giant tower that loomed over them, that ruled their lives in ways they couldnt control. He was going to become a part of it. Its all he ever wanted, it was going to change his life. and i mean, it did, didnt it?

[ashaboveshobelow-blog]

An open letter to my abuser,

Thank you.

I know that seems like a weird way to start a letter to someone who fucked me over as bad as you did.

If I had sat down to write this letter a couple months after you stopped being in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to write anything. The emotions you left me with were so raw, so deep, so debilitating, that I couldn’t begin to process them. I spent a year and a half, emotionally numb. Afraid. For the most part, I didn’t even leave my room – not without that smiling mask at least.

I kept a smile on my face day by day. I didn’t want to let you have the satisfaction of knowing you destroyed me. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak...because honestly...being strong was all I had left. You took….everything else I had away. My confidence – gone. My self worth – abandoned. Goals, ambitions, dreams – destroyed. Any security I had once known, anything I had once received joy and self fulfillment from had been ripped out of my hands and burned in front of my eyes and I couldn’t process it. So I just smiled.

I had even convinced myself that I was okay. But I wasn’t.

My light was gone.

My world was dark.

My passion was dead.

If I had written you a letter back then it would have probably said something along the lines of: “I won’t be back. Bye.”

Plain and simple.

That’s how I felt, and how I lived: plain and simple.

Jump ahead to a year and a half later.

I still hadn’t processed what happened to me. But I knew logically that if I continued to stay at a stand still, if I continued to soak in my depression, that eventually I would draw negative attention to myself. Then people would worry, and I’d have to talk about what happened. That was the last thing I wanted. So I enrolled in collage. I put in the effort to move on. I told myself it was okay to find a new dream. I told myself I could accomplish anything if I sent my mind to it.

I was lieing to myself of course. I was telling myself what I needed to hear even though I didn’t believe it.

Bring on the panic attacks.

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, then I don’t have to describe them to you. But I’m going to. I want you to know every detail of what you caused for me. I want you to know how much I suffered and fought through because of you.

Panic attacks are interesting. You feel them throughout your entire body. For me it always starts with a little bit of sweat on my forehead and the back of my neck. It doesn’t matter if its hot or cold, I start to sweat. After that, I start to loose my ability to process sound. I am aware that there are people talking. I know exactly what the person speaking is saying, I can hear it all, but I can’t process it. The words don’t seem to add up to anything. They are just strings of meaningless sounds that once made sense and now...don’t -- kinda like how I was starting to feel about my life: it once made sense and now something was missing. Something didn’t add up.

After that comes the panic part of the panic attack. My heart starts racing. My lungs start to convince themselves that they aren’t working. I keep on breathing in more air, but my brain isn’t processing that we have it. So I start to breathe harder, faster. I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to be seen as weak, so that just adds shame and humiliation as bonus gift to the already amazing experience I am having. The room starts to spin. I start to feel like I am going to faint. Everything around me feels like its moving in fast forward and I’m in slow motion...or at a stand still. I can’t will myself to keep up. I can’t…. I can’t do this. Whatever it is I’m doing I can’t do it. Somewhere in the deepest pits of my brain I start to question if I can do anything. Everything and everyone feels far away and all I can hear are my thoughts. Your words come back -- coursing through my veins like ice. I feel hot and cold at the same time. But I don’t care about any of that, because more than anything…..I feel like a failure. I feel like my biggest fears are coming true. You were right: I can’t do anything. I’m not good enough.

It was a huge step for me to go back to school. To try. I hadn’t tried in a very long time. Looking back I am so proud of myself for that step. Looking back, that took so much strength. I couldn’t see it at the time of course. All I saw was a pathetic girl who couldn’t make it through a day of class without having a melt down and crying in the bathroom. All I saw was someone who wasn’t going anywhere. All I saw was the failure you painted me to be. I saw the version of myself that you fought so enthusiastically to convince me I was.

I didn’t see at the time that I was a powerful warrior pushing past abuse, holding my head high...and fighting. Alone.

I did write a letter to you during that time. Not one to send, just one to try to process what I was feeling. It was for an English project where we had to write a letter to the person who hurt us the most. I really wish I could find it. I still hadn’t fully processed what you did to me yet – I couldn’t – but I had finally aloud myself to feel emotions again. I felt hurt. I felt anger. I felt resentment. I felt hatred.

Deep in the core of my being I felt hatred – a hatred that burned away at everything. A hatred that left me feeling barren.

And if I’m being honest, I don’t know who I hated more at that time – you, or me.

I don’t remember much of the letter I wrote. I remember comparing you to Hitler. I remember telling you that you destroyed my happiness. I think I even told you that I hated you and that I wished I had had the strength to tell you to fuck off.

I’m paraphrasing there, I didn’t use the F word back then. But you get the idea. I felt like you had taken away any chance I had of happiness. I hated you. I hated myself. I hated the world. I didn’t know how to feel anything else. But at least hatred was better than the overwhelming pool of sadness that was always just an inch or two away from swallowing me whole.

I closed myself off from the world. I had finally allowed myself to be a part of it again -- to leave the safety and comfort of my room --  but I coasted. I refused to care too much about anything. I refused to open my heart to anything. I refused to feel any emotions too strongly. I numbed myself to everything. I kept everything at a distance. I felt lonely and I couldn’t figure out why. But I continued to reject any chance to be around people. I couldn’t remember how to feel anything but numb. I couldn’t remember how I had felt before I met you. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be alive. I only remembered how to be the corpse you made me into.

I graduated, and threw myself into my work. I put all of my energy into one thing. I became the best damn employee you could find. I became the most supportive and encouraging friend you could find. I put every ounce of energy I had into the world. I was determined to create joy in others, even if I couldn’t have it myself.

But I didn’t put any energy into myself. I put so much love out to anyone I thought that needed it, but I ignored my own needs. I still was refusing to process anything from my past. I put a mask on my face of a happy successful person, and I had tricked just about everyone including myself once again. But something was still missing. After all this time, after these long, hard, painful 6 years...I finally understand that what was missing was my passion.

After six years, I’m finally realizing that I’ve been avoiding things that make me happy, because you made me afraid to loose things. I’ve been minimizing myself out of fear that if I allow myself to think I’m actually worth something, someone else will come along and tell me I’m wrong.

How sick is that?

I haven’t let myself feel truly happy -- I haven’t let myself peruse something I REALLY want -- in six years...because you made me feel like I didn’t deserve it. You made me fear that it wouldn’t last. You made me fear that I wasn’t good enough. You made me afraid of anything other than the safety of isolation and apathy.

You took away my happiness. You took away my passion. You took away my safety. You took away my self worth. You took away my confidence. You took…..everything I had.

And I let you.

And I’ve continued to let you.

That’s the part that hurts me the most. The part that makes me sick. I am disgusted by the mere thought of you, yet I let you destroy me. And I continue to let you have power over me. Even after walking away, I continue to hang onto your words.

Not any more.

Not one more god damn second.

So why am I thanking you?

That is a damn good question.

Cuz let be clear. You don’t deserve thanks for what you did to me.

You don’t deserve to be on my mind. Ever. Period.

You damaged me in a way that I thought I could never heal from. You hurt me, more than anyone ever has. You made me feel smaller that I can begin to describe.

But that kind of pain creates growth.

I read somewhere that sunflowers are really special because they can grow in the most toxic of environments, and as they grow, they help heal the earth. They remove the toxins from the soil, so that other plants can grow there too.

And that’s what I did.

I grew.

I took all that toxic waste that you funneled into my head and I used to the forge steal armor to keep myself safe. I built a foundation of long, carefully crafted roots for myself. Out of the pain and war you created inside of me, I built a new life for myself. And when that armor stopped being useful – when it started doing more harm than good, I forged it into a blade, that I could use to defend myself and others. I shot out of the ground – running from that degrading sludge of a soil that you planted me in – reaching with everything I had in me towards the sun, towards life, twoards light, towards happiness. I bloomed as bright and as colorful as I could. I turned your words of hate and shame into the words that I needed to hear, and I spoke them to others. I used my pain to build others up. I turned my pain into beauty that I could use to lift up people in need.

I grew.

I’m not thanking you for bringing about that change.

I was always a beautiful person, and I was born to bring that kind of light into people’s life.

What you did, was heinous, inhumane, and awful and I can’t emphasize that enough. And I know deep down, that you do not deserve any praise or any thanks.

But because of you, I learned how strong I am capable of being. I learned that there is nothing that I can’t handle. I learned that I am an indestructible warrior.

If I can survive you, there is nothing in the world that can tear me down.

And if I can do all that – if I can overcome all that – without letting anyone help me. Imagine the things I can do now that I’ve surrounded myself with people who love me and support me. Imagine what I can do now that I realize that the fear you created is the only thing keeping me from letting them in, and I’ve let that go.

No one, and nothing, will EVER make me feel the way you did again.

So thank you for helping me discover that about myself…..

And also….. because I didn’t have the ability to say it back then: Fuck you.

I hope one day you are able to grow out of your toxic nature. But whether you do or not: Stay far away from me. I’m busy building, growing, and thriving as far away from you as I can be.

This soil is finally clean and I will not let it be contaminated again.

This garden has no room for you.

[underbananamoon]

Masking is a process in which an individual changes or “masks” their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse, and/or harassment. -wiki

I enjoy making memes, they’re something I can do creatively that takes little time. I made the one above and these recently:

I didn’t note the misspelling of “autistic” until yesterday and haven’t fixed it yet. Aaaarrrgghhh

Speaking of creativity (don’t I always) here is a wooden box I keep on my desk within reach. I have not done mosaics since the early 2000’s and this one I did then, all four sides which I switch out for a different view now and again. I have a suitcase of broken pieces. Perhaps I’ll start this up again. I’ve a waste can in the bathroom that is mosaiced too, all these years it’s held up.

All three of my children have artistic gifts. My youngest, Silas, collects treasures from the ground, as do I, and here is something he created recently which I adore!

PRISONER OF TIME by Silas Gonzalez

My middle son Jer and his wife C. recently attended a Boston Symphony Orchestra concert. Here is the lovely photo. They are a beautiful couple and always take nice pictures.

Do you see what we are seeing? We are thinking it’s a motion-blur effect although I don’t see blur! Note the suited man in the background. He’s lost his head!

I looked for a photo of the painting my son Jer did last year about anxiety, it’s a self portrait with gears in the head, very nice, and I can’t find the image-when I do I’ll update this blog. The painting was shown at the museum in Rhode Island- 2018, RICART show.

So I’ve been reading this, among many other books:

This blog is high on imagery, and not so text-forward! Let me say this book is awesome! I love reading about the lives of creatives. I’ve marked many areas in the book for a later more extensive ‘review.’ I feel as if my brain is smoldering. The last few weeks have brought two of the worst migraines I’ve had in my life. I’m cognitively pretty low (which explains the typo in my meme!) but I’m keeping on. Here’s a quick iPadArt I managed to do.

I do have a talented family. Here is artwork by one of my favorite people in the whole entire world- his first iPadArt creation:

My little granddaughters (not so little now) love to paint rocks

(   https://www.facebook.com/groups/1840242882913721/  ) and hide them around the valley for people to find. They love finding them too.

Truly, if you have a chance to check out Silas’ art please do. Links at end of blog. He is my inspiration. The order day he brought me this wee frog and several others for me to see (and then released).

What do you think of these found rocks? I love them. In my next blog I will post the innovative thing Silas created with them!

He and I and Al will be interviewed further this September for Keri Bower’s upcoming film on Disability and sex, called “Desire.” Link bottom of blog. Like Desire’s FB page for updates.

For anyone who has read my book, you are familiar with my parents’ relationship and you may know I lost my mother too soon, she never saw the book, truly it is an homage to them as much as it is to my my late husband, my aspergers and selective mutism tribe, celebration of living, and accepting loss. My father, pictured here on the left, age 86 is out fishing on a boat with my cousin W., the hay-baler you also may remember from my book. My father is enjoying his life!

My oldest son, dx’ed like me, started a paranormal investigative group years ago before it was truly a thing. It’s called CT PASTS (Connecticut Paranormal and Supernatural Tracking Society and my my other son and also godchild are members. Someday I may be brave enough to share my own experiences here in a blog regarding that genre!

I’m still doing my thing for Art of Autism, who is currently seeking poems/and or art. This is not a trending thing (peace) it’s for real, we feel this strongly, send in your peace submission and be a safe place for people to pause in the midst of all this chaos, when they see your art or read your poem.

You can contact me too at podsartofautism@gmail.com if you have a blog idea (we can pay bloggers) or if you’d like to be a part of the PODS project. Hope to hear from you.

Personally, I have been trying to feel well so I started Keto June 3rd. I love the discipline, and the creativity involved in planning meals. Because it does take planning to truly make it work, and it does power through metabolism slumps. I’m losing 2 1/2 lbs. a week, just right. Last night I had french fries for the first time (since May?) and I am so happy to know they tasted terrible! My goal is to be at a better weight next summer for my trip abroad. I want to be able to ambulate comfortably through those ancient ruins!

Al, my partner, has a vegetable garden so this is a big help, he has a knack for growing all the greens and peppers I can eat! He’s also going to start refinishing frames for my artwork. Here’s a question I want to throw out there, if you were asked to dress in mime for a paid gig (air travel included) and recite your poetry, would you do it? I would….but mimes don’t speak, so I’ll have to figure something out. More on that to come!

Personally, I am struggling with the chaos in this world, as we are all- I am sure, and also the voices in my head are telling me that my elderly cat Mister Po who is nearly 20 years old (longer than most of my relationships with men)- is nearing end of life. He is having several seizures a day. Here is a collage I did of the two of us a few years ago:

It is made of lots of cut up paper. I made one for my friend Starr who lost her beloved cat. Seen here, you may recall her from my book as well. The colors are not true to the real art, it is not a good photo.

It looks nice in her home as seen here. The art to the right of the serenity prayer is an artwork called Evanescence by my son Silas.

My Mister Po, above in his playful mood, (pre-seizures) and with shedded hair on his head.

Here is a meme I made long ago:

I have to close now, it’s errand day and the heatwave has let up. It’s too nice to be inside. Before I go I want to share what my dear friend Keri Bowers said to me yesterday during our nearly 2 hour talk. We were going on about negative mantras that get stuck in the head, those voices that try to take you down… and she said

“Do what I do and say to those voices, ‘Thank you committee in my head for weighing in with your opinions, I’ve heard them, now fuck off!’ “

Words to live by!

  CTPASTS: If you have a presence bugging you, you know who to call.

https://www.facebook.com/pg/CTPASTS/posts/

About me, my book:

https://mercurygirl49.wixsite.com/underthebananamoon-1

More from multi-talented Silas:

https://silasmgonz.wixsite.com/artworkbysilas/about

https://silasmgonz.wixsite.com/artworkbysilas/gallery

The DESIRE film on FB:

https://www.facebook.com/normalfilms/

About P.O.D.S. (people of diversity, speaking):

https://the-art-of-autism.com/p-o-d-s/

  My Family, My Updates, and Art Masking is a process in which an individual changes or "masks" their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse, and/or harassment.