#PLEASE tell me it wasnt boring im so nervous about them and all this-

[vixy-exists]

I think you should talk about them!! Be unhealthy about them!! I wanna read it :D

I don’t think you know what you got yourself into, anon. But aaaaaaaaaaaaa thank you in advance for enabling me to talk about one of my favourite things in the world!!

(Stuff under the cut!! Warning though, it’s like +2000 words and I get into headcanons and some pretty dark stuff too! I hope it's worth reading though :'D)

(I started an essay like… back on October 11th so Imma expand on that a bit. Also, I go into some character analysis and some headcanons connecting to that and how those things would interact and intertwine with each other!)

Okay, so

They first started out as a random crack pairing between me and my friend as a joke +2 years ago. Like literally just going “Wouldn’t it be funny if they kissed”? Then I started writing a fic about them and drawing and thinking about them more and aaaaaaaaaa. They have so much potential together – both as just friends and as lovers too!! Also, yeah, the ship name KazNaka came from said friend, though I also have been calling them Kazkemi somewhat, because I think it’s cute :)

They both have the same interests but different backgrounds and different ways of thinking. This makes them fit well together but be different enough to be interesting. For example, their love for computers or their interest in demon summoning. It’s stated in some interviews that one of the reasons why SMT 1 could happen and why Kazuya downloaded the Demon Summoning Program (or DSP as I’ll call it from now on) is because he never had a father or a father figure. He wants that power associated with a father – here, the power of demons. But what would he do with that? In the game, it feels more like Kazuya uses the program for self-defence – like he doesn’t know what else to do with it. He has the power just not the reason to use it – not until later when he has to fight for his life.

On the other hand, Nakajima is just interested in the occult, probably thinking of the DSP as just a way to flex his genius at first. Yes, he programs it, but he has no reason to use it, to test it, or a reason to finish it (it’s something briefly mentioned in the first book). That’s when his sudden burst of anger after getting beaten up comes in. He now has the motivation to finish it and, (unfortunately), use it. He uses the DSP as a weapon, a thing he can exercise his power with to control people, somewhat satiating his power-hungriness after what Kondo and Kyoko did to him.

It’s similar but different and makes me wonder how they would interact with each other if they were close. Would Nakajima let Kazuya use his program? Would he know better and feel like something bad would happen if he let him? Would he even tell him about it? What would Kazuya think of what Nakajima did at Jusho High? Would he see it as a good way to use something like the DSP or would he condemn it?

We also have their familial backgrounds. As I said before, Kazuya has no father figure, but it’s apparent that he has a good relationship with his mother. It’s almost the exact opposite with Nakajima. Nakajima hates his mother – he hates how she doesn’t have time for him, how she only cares about her work and nothing else. On the other hand, from the first two books, it’s not really apparent what he thinks of his father. All we know is that he’s away in Los Angeles on a work trip. I could imagine him secretly admiring him (like a child longing for his absent father, somewhat idealising him – similar to Kazuya) or I could imagine him having a neutral relationship with him. Either way, he still had his father in his life more than Kazuya – and, on the surface, it looks like they’re a completely healthy family who are also probably well off financially.

If I may also bring some headcanons in here: I like to believe Nakajima has a bad upbringing in general, being neglected and abused mentally – a reason why he would escape into the world of computers and the occult and maybe why his mind tries to protect itself with his fragile arrogance. It’s mostly his mother who is abusive (after all, she’s the one who he sees the most), but his father is not a great person either (it’s just that he's away a lot so Nakajima doesn’t see that side of him often). He doesn’t realise it, of course. He thinks what’s happening is completely normal in most families. He probably doesn’t even understand why he doesn’t like his parents (or, mostly his mother) and thinks it’s just because they are constantly away (which is a reason, but not all of it) and gets confused whenever they act kind towards him. The “how can I hate them so much when they act so kind to me now”, not remembering how bad the past has been.

That’s where Kazuya comes in. I imagine they would both look at each other’s lives and only see the good parts in them. Nakajima still has both of his parents, a father and a role model, he’s well off and goes to a prestigious school. What’s not to envy about that for someone like Kazuya, someone who comes from a poor and broken home? He probably feels weird whenever he visits and sees how better off Nakajima lives or hears him praising his father and how much he works, but he could never say it out loud. It’s jealousy, he knows it, but there isn’t really anything that could fix it, so why say it out loud?

On the other hand, all Nakajima sees is how good of a mother Kazuya has, and how he receives all the love that he has longed for for so long. It’s a feeling he can’t really understand, especially since he doesn’t know the reason why he feels it. It’s a sort of emptiness inside him, eating away at him slowly, agonizingly, but he doesn’t dare to say it out loud. Kazuya doesn’t need to know. He would just think he’s weak, pathetic, completely breaking the image he tried so hard to build up.

I can just imagine them feeling all insecure whenever the other is talking about their family. Kazuya looks at pictures of Akemi’s family, the emptiness his father left eating away at him. Or Nakajima getting welcomed into Kazuya’s family and trying so hard not to cry when receiving normal, healthy parental love for the first time.

Again, different, but similar.

Their personalities, I think, would also work well together. They are opposites. Kazuya is somewhat shy, doesn’t talk much but is a good listener and is capable of understanding people and body language. He would probably be very charismatic if he actually decided to talk to people, but he doesn’t have the bravery for that just yet. (Or, at least I think he’s like that, based on the stuff in the game.) On the other hand, Nakajima is arrogant, is probably confident and also talks a lot but has no one to listen to him. He’s probably shit with actually interacting with other human beings too – something that causes him to not have a lot of friends (in other words, he has no friends at all). No one is patient enough to deal with his bullshit, no one understands his interests nor cares at all – just like with Kazuya. Imagining them trying to interact, to step out of their comfort zone maybe is so fun for me. Like Nakajima finally letting Kazuya speak and nerd out about tech and shit and he discovers how much they truly have in common.

Oh, and coming back to their interests too! It’s mentioned somewhere that Kazuya has a commercially available COMP, but it has several modifications (probably by Kazuya himself). I imagine he’s very into tech but in a different way than Akemi, making them have several topics they can converse about. I like to imagine stuff like Akemi trying to teach programming to Kazuya or Kazuya fixing up one of Akemi’s computers, maybe modifying it a bit. Or the two of them brainstorming video game ideas or maybe even helping each other out with homework and school stuff (either in high school or even later in university). And, back to the occult too, I imagine Akemi knows more about how to practise it (he read one book over and over again and made a program out of it, I imagine that’s all he knows) while Kazuya has more knowledge about demons in general (like types and behaviour and shit). I can imagine Kazuya being the one to help out a bit in the program, making suggestions to improve it and Nakajima promising he will be able to test it out if he’s ever done with it. Of course, that never really happens, but I’ll get into that later.

I also have written a lot of stuff for them so far (it’s not on the internet, but I’m thinking about putting it on AO3 if I manage to organise and rewrite it) and most of what I wanna focus on in my writing (something I don’t think I’m successful in yet) is them growing closer together and healing somewhat – before all the DDSMT shit happens that breaks them apart. So uhh spoilers I guess?

I imagine they start interacting online – Kazuya being interested in the DSP while Nakajima is interested in Kazuya’s occult knowledge – and meet up somewhat after. They are distant from each other, only seeing the surface things, making an ideal picture in their heads before they grow closer together and start to see the cracks in each other’s life. Nakajima sees the bullying Kazuya goes through in school, how lonely he is, how having no father affected him, what being in a poorer family is like and how he escapes into the world of the internet, a place where he could finally forget about his troubles just for a bit. It’s similar to Akemi’s situation too. Kazuya slowly sees how years of abuse affected him, how he had no friends growing up, making him run off into his work and how he barely eats and barely survives because of it. That idealised picture they have of each other and each other’s life breaks and they grow even closer because of it. They can’t solve these issues, but they can help each other deal with them. This could work even if they were just friends, but I like to imagine that Kazuya had deeper feelings from the beginning while Nakajima only develops them as he learns more and more about Kazuya (falling for him harder, of course). And, as they both step out of their comfort zones, they finally start dating, accepting their feelings for each other, finally finding happiness, in each other.

And, of course, comes DDSMT. The thing that brought them together, the Demon Summoning Program, is what breaks them apart. Akemi becomes obsessed with his work again, going back to his unhealthy habits while Kazuya is left there, worried sick for his boyfriend. Nakajima doesn’t want Kazuya hurt, not talking about what he did because of it. He doesn’t realise that’s the reason he’s hurting him. And that’s why he doesn’t mention how he completed the DSP, fearing, that if he did, Kazuya would use it and summon something he can’t handle or leave him (either because he got what he wanted out of the relationship or because he realised how awful Akemi is). Ironic, considering that, because of his arrogance, he did just that – summon a demon he couldn’t handle. (And maybe if he asked for Kazuya’s help prior, things would have turned out much better and he wouldn’t have summoned such a powerful demon like Loki in the first place.)

Meanwhile, Kazuya basically receives constant rejection, locked out of Akemi’s life. He doesn’t understand why this is all happening. They were so well off and now Akemi just doesn’t answer his texts or his calls, he’s barely home and… And when he is, he only talks about this Yumiko girl, someone Nakajima has grown seemingly obsessed with and it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. He assumes what anyone would assume – Akemi just doesn’t love him anymore and is just too much of a coward to say it to his face. So he breaks things off just a day before it turns out Loki was using Nakajima all along. So, in this version, I imagine Nakajima doesn’t even have time to process what Kazuya said to him, only realising what had happened after the whole Megami Tensei stuff. But at least now he has someone to talk it over with, someone who will help him with his feelings and what to do next.

But, while I haven’t gotten that far into writing or planning, I feel like they could make up (that is if the world doesn’t blow up SMT 1 style). Maybe when they both graduate, after all the chaos that their lives brought upon them, they meet up again and maybe, just maybe, they can start again.

That, and I just think two nerds nerding out together about demons and computers is cute. They just make a cute pairing in my opinion :)

I also haven’t gone into all the shit about my headcanons for their relationship or how I’m still debating about if their breakup would be canon (I like my boys wholesome :() and stuff like that. Like how I imagine Kazuya brings some of his mother’s cooking to Akemi, just to get him to eat something for once, or how Akemi makes little games and gifts them to Kazuya or about their insecurities while dating and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- I should probably stop before I accidentally write a 10000-word essay about them lol.

And, again, thank you so much, anon for letting me ramble on about these two!! Even if this was too much to read :’)

[moonbinscirera]

I feel like you would be the perfect passenger for me then because I always get lost even with a GPS when it doesn't work...

Omg taste... I would love to pick up more books with a woman of color centric character and YES bonus points for good gay rep pls 🤌🏼 I really do love fantasies as well 😩 omg an angst lover 💪🏼 honestly haven't read a lot of angst lately but >:) when authors aren't afraid to kill off a character I have got to say that's super refreshing 🍿

Ahahaha fake dating got that good spice to it...will never tire of that trope but I'm giggling at the kid fics... I can definitely see why you would not want to touch those with a 10ft pole 😂 👍🏼

I'm loving your ao3 search so much!! That's so detailed slay I'm just lucky if anything I like pops up for real - at this point I think I will just read anything out of desperation when I'm bored 😅

Slayyyy I think I'll continue looking into them maybe as a potential Christmas gift!! I'll also have to loon up ToonrificTariq then 👁 I'm loving the name already 😂

Screaming at how cool you are... Honestly watched GoT off and on only for the dragons 😩 - I'm cackling at how you can do it without looking although I'm sure you didn't miss *too* much 😂

I... am a fic writer 😩🫣 I don't think my stories are all that cool unfortunately... Most of the attention/notes have gone towards nsfw content rather than the sfw I used to labor over 💔 such is the woes of writeblr 😔

Thank you for thinking I'm studious 😂 I'm studying IT 🤓 I'm pretty sure I'll be graduating right before the gift giving starts off for this event hehe.. I cannot wait to be done for now 😭 homework and lectures are sooo boring at this point but the 24/7 working life... Ew! What about you (if you don't mind me asking hehe) 😳

xhxydhddhd at least if the gps breaks well be lost together shsbsshd

sometimes it feels like its a lil hard to find books with woc protags that arent realistic fiction and i hate that 😭 cuz alot of time the "realistic" setting they pick is one i cant relate to cuz i didnt grow up in the city or i wasnt the only black family in a whyte suburbs u know? so it takes like triple the digging to find something to connect to and it feel fun and not like racism porn 😭

anyway! angst is so good like its so satisfying and isnt there just something so so so like brain itching good about a homie being like please play pretend with me and then going oh shit wait its not pretend anymore actually?

im generally a rarepair shipper??? like in most fandoms i get into so its like i gotta be methodical and double back alot or else ill run outta content 😭 like even my favorite dynamic in svt is wonhao which barely anyone is checkin for 😭 (but quite honestly any less talked about hao dynamic imma jump thru hoops for like any of 95 line with him?????)

can u tell hao is my ult like is it obvious? i prommi i like him a normal amount like an absolutely normal amount like i swear on go- [gunshot]

do it do it do it doit³

im telling u i was in s2-3 and kept being like who tf is that??? by s4 i was like if this unknown person is here its no worries theyll prolly die soon anyway dont stress dont stress

ah creative ppl are always hard on their own work tho! (i am too) i bet its cooler than u think! that sucks tho when attn doesnt go to the works u really want them too 😔 like nsfw is fun but sfw should still get some love 😔

ooo and luckily! u caught me in this month because i just applied to an online school to study health IT so i can actually say imma be studying something! starting in January im nervous 👉🏾👈🏾 BUT CONGRATULATIONS ON UR GRADUATION

[ssamie]

one. new beginnings 

oikawa tooru x fem langa!reader

(hq x sk8 the infinity)

warnings: spelling mistakes, 2k+ words, u have langa’s blue hair sorry 

gen masterlist.            “snow” masterlist.

"eh?! what do you mean you're moving?!" reki shrieked out in surprise, accidentally tripping over his feet and landing on the ground

the distant sounds of cars honking and the few civilians chattering filled the air. it was almost dark and they had just gotten off work and were on their way home. 

y/n sighed and picked up his skateboard, nodding her head lightly with a frown. "yeah.. my mom said we have to move soon" she said. "but.. why?" reki frowned as he stood up to meet eyes with her.

"well, my mom got a better paying job there so she said we should just move, i guess" she replied, her tone laced with guilt. "oh.." reki muttered. he kicked his feet on the ground, looking down as y/n peers at him with a guilty frown.

"im sorry reki" she whispered with a soft whimper "i guess i should've told you a lot sooner.." she said

reki looked up at her and shook his head. "no, no! it's fine, don't worry.." he reassured with a shaky smile "um..where exactly will you be moving to?" reki asked her 

"miyagi" she answered quietly, sheepishly kicking her feet back and forth, causing the rumbling sound of the wheels hitting the pavement to fill the tense air. 

"wow uh.." reki chuckled in surprise "that's really far.." he muttered. he then cleared his throat and shot her a shaky grin "well, atleast it snows over there!" he exclaimed. "maybe you can try snowboarding again" reki said, though it didn't seem to fill her with much comfort 

"i heard there's a good amount of snow when you're deep in the mountains! you can even-" 

"reki.." she cut him off with a soft whimper of his name 

reki stopped and looked at her with a sad sigh. he pursed his lips and finally dropped the enthusiastic façade. "i don't wanna leave okinawa" she admitted with a pained sigh. "i don't wanna leave you" 

".. a-and the others too ofcourse" she continued with a nervous chuckle "not just you.." 

"i don't want you to leave too" reki chuckled as he wiped the tears brimming his eyes 

he lightly punched her shoulder and took his board from her hands. "agh! you're gonna make me cry, you know!" he exclaimed. y/n smiled and let out a soft laugh "sorry, sorry" she said 

reki pouted and hesitantly brought her into his arms, nibbling on his bottom lip and letting out a sigh as he squeezed her tight. "i'll really miss you, y/n" reki said. 

she blinked repeatedly in shock and flusteredly wrapped her arms around him as well. "um-i-i'll miss you too reki.." she stammered out as she tried to fight off the heat that was rushing to her cheeks 

suddenly, reki pulled away, much to her distaste, and fixed his stance. "let's skate together before you leave, yeah?" reki mused "just for tonight.. then we'll continue when you get back" reki smiled 

"yeah. let's skate" she replied with a fond smile 

the pair skated home, taking their usual route and doing some tricks here and there. though their usual chatter and banter was not present, and all there was, was silence that seemed to weight down on both of their chests with varying emotions. 

they stopped at the block separating their houses, right under the street light where they always meet up with each other. 

reki looked back at her and smiled. "well, this is where we part" he chuckled ."yeah.. i guess so.." y/n muttered back with a frown 

reki sighed and nudged her with his elbow. "cmon, don't be like that" he said "its not like we'll never see each other again!" reki exclaimed with a laugh, though even he wasnt able to convince or reassure himself. 

"you're just moving, no big deal! we have one more day to spend together and our friends and visit S" reki explained in a comforting tone 

y/n sighed in distress and crouched down on the ground. she kept her board in place with her feet and stared at it with furrowed brows. "i guess you're right" she said. "but i really don't want to leave. im completely fine here in okinawa with you and the others." 

"i wanna keep skating with you and go to hotsprings together and eat bentos and keep working at dope sketch!" she exclaimed with a look of affliction 

reki frowned and sat down beside her, resting his chin on his hands and nodding along. "yeah, i wanna keep doing that too" he said "but we can't really do anything about it anymore" 

"unless you wanna try begging your mom or something" reki joked with a laugh as he nudged her with his shoulder. "but it's not like that would work-... y/n?" reki sweat dropped as he looked at her only to be met with a look of determination and sparkling eyes. 

"you're so smart, reki!" she praised "that's a great idea, we should do that! you're so amazing" 

reki chuckled and cheekily grinned at her "ah shucks, you flatter me too much!" he giggled 

"but were not gonna actually do that, right?" reki asked with a soft chuckle

".. right?" 

"WE BEG YOU!" they simultaneously exclaimed as they got down on their hands and knees to bow 

"w-what?! kids, what are you doing??" nanako exclaimed with a nervous smile as she tried to get them to stand up 

"PLEASE! DON'T TAKE Y/N AWAY!" reki cried out as he wrapped his arms around her in a bone crushing hold. "please!" y/n followed up with a determined look in her eyes as she stares at her mother expectantly 

y/n loosely wrapped her arms around reki's waist and pouted "please, mom?" she pleaded as she accentuated her 'puppy eyes'. "please, hasegawa-san?" reki pleaded as well as he gave her his 'puppy eyes' for the extra cute effect 

nanako seemed conflicted as she stares at their cutesy expressions with a look of dread. "what do i do?! they're too.. too cute!!" she cried to herself "help me, oliver !!!" 

she then composed herself and cleared her throat. "well, im really sorry kids" she said "but my desicion is final." she stated with a determined huff "im doing this so we can earn more-" 

she cut herself off as she caught sight of the two teens sulking and holding ecah other while a dark gloomily aura loomed over them. "ah well- i-" nanako stammered as she shakily reached her hand out to them with a guilty smile 

she then sighed and let her arms hang by her sides. "im sorry, y/n, reki. but we need to move so i can earn more money and y/n won't have to work for me anymore" she explained "plus, i've already purchased the house so there's really no going back now" 

"but im okay with working at dope sketch.." y/n muttered with a frown 

"i know, but.." nanako smiled nervously "look at it this way! you'll go to a new school and make some friends! we can even try snowboarding during winter, won't you love that?" 

y/n briefly glanced at reki and sighed. "sure.." she mumbled 

nanako smiled and gently patted them both on the head. "you should hang out with your friends before we leave" she said "you'll regret wasting your time here, yknow?" nanako mused 

reki and y/n nodded and went to put on their shoes. they grabbed their boards, and hastily skated to joe's restaurant 

"ah jeez.." nanako muttered to herself as she watched them skate away. "teenagers are so hard to handle!!" 

"help me oliver!!!" 

"guys, we have something to say!" reki exclaimed as he abruptly slammed his hand down on the table, effectively gaining all of their attention. 

"y/n is-" 

"what is it you slime?" miya sneered as he continued sipping on his drink 

"your girlfriend?" they all simultaneously said with a bored tone as they continued on eating their meals 

"..." reki and y/n blinked and looked at each other in confusion. "what?" reki asked cluelessly "no that's not-" 

"well its kinda obvious" shadow said with a chuckle "yeah, we kind of saw it coming" miya agreed 

"what? no seriously, that's not what-" reki was once again cut off by joe who playfully punched him in the shoulder and grinned. "damn, didn't know you had it in you to ask her out" joe laughed "and i didn't think y/n would ever confe-" 

"I'M MOVING TO MIYAGI!" she immediately cut him off, mainly to prevent joe's big mouth from spilling anything, and just to get it out of the way. 

"WHAT?!" they all collectively exclaimed 

"are you serious? that's pretty far away" shadow said with furrowed brows "yeah... what about S?" miya asked with a small frown 

"i'll have to quit" y/n says as she steals a fry from cherry's plate "i'll go one last time later." 

"miyagi.." cherry mumbled as he swats her hand away from his food. "where in miyagi will you be staying?" he asked. "i don't know" she answered with a shrug. "but im going to a school named aoba johsai i think." 

"carla, tell me about that school." almost immediately, carla had responded. "okay master" it said. 

"aoba johsai, also known as seijoh, is a private school located at miyagi prefecture. they are mostly known for their performance in volleyball, having competed in numerous tournaments and had made a name for themselves through the sport and successfully deemed themselves as a powerhouse school. "

"volleyball?" y/n hummed in curiosity "how do you play that?" she asked cherry. "i wouldn't know." he replied "though it's a sport where you play with a team. why? would you like to join?" he asked 

"probably not" y/n shrugged 

"oi, rookie! are you really moving?" joe asked with a small frown "S would get boring without you, yknow?" 

"i am" she replied "and i think S would be fine with you guys and reki in it" 

reki looked at her and smiled. the redhead slung his arm around her shoulders and picked up his board "how bout we have a beef one last time before you go?" reki suggested "we could all go against each other. just for the fun of it." 

"sure, but you'll lose, just so you know" joe boasted as he flexed his biceps. "hah?! just cus you're bigger and more muscular doesn't mean you'll win!" reki whined 

"yeah!" y/n agreed with a huff "reki has gotten better and much faster! and he knows more tricks now. he even did a snowboarding trick and-" 

miya quickly cut her off before she could go on a full rant about the redhead. "let's just go" miya groaned out as he grabbed his board. "man, are you sure you're not together" shadow sweat dropped as he followed miya and dragged them both out of the restaurant 

"we're not!" reki exclaimed with a laugh "why would you even think that would happen? we're just best friends" 

"right.. best friends" y/n agreed 

shadow sweat dropped as he turned to look at her, only to be met with her teary eyes and her quivering smile, looking like she’s on the verge of crying her eyes out like a child. 

"are you okay?" shadow muttered sheepishly as he watched her hastily wipe her eyes and pout like a child "yes" she replied with a huff 

"oh, is that so?" miya cooed with a cat-like grin as he stalked closer to her side "i mean it makes sense" he said "the heroine shouldn't be with a slime, after all" 

shadow deadpanned as he watched miya slyly lock their arms together with a grin "so who should she be with? you?" he scoffed "ofcourse!" miya wholeheartedly agreed. "im the hero so the heroine should be with me!" 

shadow sweat dropped as he watched miya hug her arm and look at them with a smug cat-like smirk. "dude, aren't you like thirteen?" shadow deadpanned 

y/n smiled and patted his head with a soft laugh "yup, you're right" she agreed jokingly, her smile widening as miya's face exploded into bright shades of red. "i-it doesn't mean i like you though!" he shrieked out "im just saying that we would be compatible!!" 

"i see." she muttered "japanese people are so hard to decipher" 

cherry and joe came out of the restaurant and got on their boards, urging them to do the same. "cmon, let's go there before too many people arrive" joe said as he stretched his arms 

"last one to arrive buys everyone boba!!" reki announced as he skated away, pulling y/n along as he does so 

"ha?! oi! unfair you should've counted!!" shadow exclaimed before hastily catching up to them "hmp, as if i'll lose to any of you slimes." miya muttered as he sped up 

"oh please. you all make me pay anyways." cherry mumbled with a sigh as he got on carla and calmly caught up to them 

"well you got the most cash" joe shrugged with a grin 

"shut up you gorilla." 

"i'll really miss their banters." y/n mumbled as she looked back to watch joe and cherry hit  each other with their board. "hey, it's not like we can't visit you" reki laughed 

"would you visit me reki?" she asked with a hopeful gleam in her eyes. "it would be strange not being with you.." 

"of course! i'll visit you like every week!" reki reassured with a wide grin 

"heh, as if you got the cash for that" shadow sneered from beside him. 

"i-im gonna save up, then i'll visit you every week!" reki cleared his throat with a nervous laugh 

her smile widened as she stared at reki in admiration and pure glee. 

"okay, im counting on it!"

im making miya have a cute little puppy crush on u cus why not lol, yall won't end up together tho that's weird 🤨‼️

[violetnotez]

matchup for drew  |  JJK

Request a matchup here

Hey babe! So I match you up with....

 Ｉｎｕｍａｋｉ Ｔｏｇｅ

Look at this pretty boy like ughhh youre so lucky 😭

Inumaki is incredibly loyal-he wouldn’t ever ever give you a reason not to trust him

Also, don’t let his quietness fool you-he is a total trickster/prankster and will always be doing something silly to get you to laugh

He really likes training with you-to him it’s quite therapeutic and a great way to bond with you

But he’s cheeky at times if your doing close combat-he’ll just quickly plant a kiss on your cheeks to get you distracted so he can pin you down 💀

He thinks it’s amazing you’re so skilled in so many sports-it takes a lot to train, and he respects it a lot!

The one he really wanted you to teach him was rollerskating-one day he’d just walk into your room, hand holding a pair of new skates and just plainly saying “Tuna?”

Tuna meaning Please teach me, I know you’re busy but I’m bored and I just wanna have some fun please please please 🥺

He caught on to it really quickly, and in no time you two were blasting music and making trips to the grocery store for some sweets as quick little dates

Inumaki at one point tried to teach Panda and Maki, but Panda was totally decked out in headgear and shoulder pads and still ate shit every 2 seconds 💀

When he first met you, he honestly wasn’t really that intimidated

He still got that nervous rush of meeting someone new, but he was used to meeting intimidating girls-Nobara and Maki being perfect examples of that

Maki was so relieved to have another girl, and you two hit it off amazingly-you two would always be paired together cause you work great off each other as partners and as friends

Panda is just so lovingly protective for you, like if you feel uncomfy in public at times or just feel awkward in general, he’s right there to just give some support 🖤

He just approached you like he would with them, just a quick nod of his head and maybe a reply like “Bonito flakes” to be respectful

He is really intrigued by you-he’s naturally curious, how could he not when he has someone new and pretty in front of him~

But he gave you space, not wanting to intrude or make you uncomfy

But once you begin to open up, OH MY GOD he is so happy!

You get along well with his friends, it’s almost hard to imagine you not being in there friend group at one point-

Whenever something makes you smile, he starts noticing it makes him feel all fluttery inside,,,

Or when he is able to make you chuckle, he finds himself smiling but so grateful he’s able to hide his cheeks with his clothing-

He isn’t oblivious, he obviously knows he caught feelings but he’s super scared to say anything

Cause-how could he even tell you? It’s not like he could just walk up to you and say “Let’s go on a date-“

You could say no and reject him....or even worse, he could make a terrible choice of words and force you on a date by accident with his cursed technique

The 2nd option was too terrifying to him, so he opted to text you a picture of him holding a sign that says “Date?” like a prom proposal, his lilac eyes unable to look at the screen

He definitely begged Panda to take it, cause the picture was pretty fuzzy and theres a furry finger on a corner of the photo

But you thankfully said yes, and Inumaki took you to a roller skating rink, thinking you’d feel comfortable there to hang out. Which was a great plan, until Toge realized he didn’t know how to rollerskate

Panic ensues

The whole time he was desperately trying to repeat to himself “Don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall-“ and still look cool at the same time 💀

It was still cute though, and after you helping him out a bit he caught on very quickly

Still did fall a few times, but when you would giggle and help him up he felt a lot better about it 🥺

Needless to say, was probably the main reason he asked you later on to teach him how to skate properly 💀

And also the main reason your guys’ second date was at a very flat forest with little shrines and fish ponds to look into

Inumaki reallllyyyy craves physical touch, but he never forces it upon you

At the beginning of your relationship, it was really delicate touches, from intertwining pinkies to resting his head on your shoulder

But then it slowly became more and more as you two got more comfortable

This dude will just full on run behind you and wrap his arms around you if hes tired

Or snatch your hand and squeeze it tightly if hes afraid you might be in danger

Does this really cute thing where he puts his forehead on yours and stays there for a sec- dont ask him why he does it, he’ll start blushing but he just likes feeling close to you like that  🥺

Songs for Your Relstionship: Paradise by Coldplay,  Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran, Timeless by We Three

Drabble:

“Toge, what are you doing-and when did you get those?” you questioned, your eyes scrunched up in confusion as you eyed the white haired boy in front of you.

Inumaki was standing in your doorway, his jacket zipped up fully so only his violet eyes were visible. In his hands were a pair of roller skates, the wheels a clear plastic while the shoes being a periwinkle blue. 

All he did was simply walked into your room, knowing it like the back of hand from countless visits as he picked up your skates that had been left on the floor from the day before. He simply held out both pairs, one simple word of “Tuna” presented out of his mouth.

Your eyebrows furrowed even more, head tilting slightly as you shifted on your bed.

What the hell did he want you to....

“Do you want me....to teach you how to roller skate?”

You saw him instantly light up, obviously ecstatic you had understood him so quickly. He simply nodded his head once as confirmation, violet eyes wide with relief and anticipation.

Inumaki had been bristling to get back in those skates after he had done such a disastrous attempt at your first date. Everytime he thought about how much he had fallen he always internally cringed, almost able to still feel the bruises on his rear that lasted days after.

You had looked so graceful and so happy that day, like you were gliding on top of water as you did laps around the rink or simply to just pick him off the ground after he had eaten shit. He wanted to be able to do that with you, to be able to have picnic dates at the park or just glide over to a store to buy some sweets and ice cream-he had so many cute ideas planned it was almost overwhleming.

He just needed to learn how to skate without painting his body in bruises first.

“Oh, Toge, Im so sorry-” he heard you saw, his heart falling slightly at the sound of guilt in your voice, “but I have some assingments I have to finish....maybe we can do it this weekend?”

That happy expression he had had a few moments before faltered slightly, his lips pursed and nose scrunched under his jacket. 

But Inumaki was persistent-he wasnt one to take no for an answer, especially when he knew how to get what he wanted with a few dirty tricks.

Toge took a few steps towards you, his knee landing on top of your bed and making it dip under his weight, wrapping his arms around you in an inescapable hug.

Inumaki was pretty clever, as he knew it was hard for you to resist him when he was being clingy. He simply nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck, white hair tickling your jawline, hands squeezing your sides gently.

You sighed, rolling your eyes slightly with an amused smirk as your propped yourself on your elbows and looked down at your boyfriend, who was clearly milking it to get what he wanted.

“Youre not gonna let go unti l say yes, huh?”

Inumaki picked his head up, violet eyes soft yet mischeivously as he shook his head gently-

This brat wasnt going to let go until you did exactly what he wanted. 

You sighed exaperatedly, looking up at the ceiling as you felt Inumaki chuckle against your stomach.

“Fine then...” you gave in, finding it adorable how quickly his face light up.

“-But you have to buy me snacks and be my study partner for the rest of the night.”

Toge instantly smiled, the crinkles of the expression showing around his eyes. Getting you to teach him how to roller skate, and have a study date right after? This day was getting better and better for him.

“Salmon!” he agreed quickly, shuffling off of your form and handing you your skates- you were going to make him a pro after today, and he was more than ready.

I hoped you liked these, and thank you for requesting!! <3

[babysizedfics]

are you still wanting the requests? because after the disaster that was roman trying to act like a cg for baby virge, I'd be interested in seeing it the opposite way around? like who is the bigger disaster here when it comes to trying to act like a cg

this ask.. is from july..... wow i take my time shskdhhs but please accept this vague bullet fic/concept/thing

Vee trying (and failing) to babysit Ro

So. One day (around september 2020) Virgil decides he wants to try his hand at babysitting — but the thing is he doesnt actually want to

he basicaly thinks bc roman takes such good care of him as his big bro that vee should be doing smth similar. he thinks he's a bad brother in comparison if he can't offer the same care for roman

roman always disputes this but vee wants to at least try it, he's curious anyway

He asks roman privately because he doesnt want to tell logan and patton abt it, he’s embarrassed: what if they say he’s a silly baby for trying to be bigger?

also lowkey because virgil hates the idea of being a cg but hes gonna try anyway to try to be a good baby brother (ironically)

it's kind of a recipe for disaster because as we have said before, vee genuinely feels uncomfortable around little roman if virgil isnt little too

it's the fact that he finds so much comfort in being the youngest of their group, he's literally babey on all levels and if roman is actung younger than him vee just feels weird

but they try it out privately in roman's room one day (when the caregivers have said they want to be alone for a while) - roman is actually pretty indifferent to the whole idea, he just wants to help virge try (he’s secretly doubtful it will wotk but won’t say that out loud)

virgil is understandably rlly nervous and uncomfy and generally an anxious wreck

So roman takes charge and is like 'okay what should i call you?' and virgil is shakily like ‘umm… maybe just Virge is fine?’

And then Roman smiles really wide and says ‘Okay, Virge!’

it shocks virgil because Roman has very suddenly become little, his stance and voice very clearly those of a child. there wasnt any time to prepare himself

‘Do you wanna play with me?’ roman asks excitedly

Virge is really stunted like ‘s-sure’ (internally he’s like say kiddo! Just say it, it's not hard! Arrggggh I can’t!!)

And Roman starts talking to virgil about his toys and what they do

at first virgils like ‘oh that’s really cool.. Um, should I?’ points at romans toy nervously

Roman nods and pushes a toy into Virgil’s hand and starts enacting a scene with the two in his own hands

Virgil hesitates to butt into Roman’s game, he doesnt want to get the toy to say the wrong thing and upset roman.. And what if he can’t think of anything to say? What if Roman thinks he’s boring? What if he ruins the game?

on top of that virgil is starting to feel really.... iffy.. he just feels a weird sinking in his chest while he looks at roman's childish behaviour, his tummy is in knots and he kind of wants to cry but he doesnt know how to explain that

so he tries to swallow his nerves and pulls the toy up to his mouth and runs it gently across his lip as he watches Roman play. its comforting

Roman makes the toys in his hands yell at each other and Virgil jumps a bit and whimpers

Roman looks over at the noise and says sorry with an apologetic smile, but then his face changes a bit as he notices something

‘Virge, no,’ roman says gently then he reaches out to gently pull Virgil’s hand from his mouth

virgil realises with a blush that he was sucking on the toy

'You're not allowed to suck things except pacis, remember?' roman says

‘Sorwy’ Virgil murmurs. he puts the toy back down on the carpet and hugs his knees to his chest tightly. he's wiggling a bit on the spot and tugging at his sweater sleeves

Roman pauses for a bit and then ducks in front of virgils gaze with a questioning look

‘Are you feeling little, Vee?’ he asks in his adult voice, using a slight baby tak for vee's benefit

Virgil blushes and quickly shakes his head. ‘No, ’m big.’ he's not supposed to be the little one!

‘Okay…’ Roman squints slightly at him but goes back to playing with his toys, this time getting them to talk to virgil to try to include him in the game

roman obviously noticed that virgil was anxious about jumping into the game so of course he is compromising by prompting virgil gently with questions

But the interaction with romans toys makes virgil feel so much littler

theres a lot of 'what do you want this one's name to be?' 'um... um may-maybe tibble?' 'okay, Sir tibble it is!'

it's usually small insignificant decisions like that and they get virgil to giggle a bit. he does suck the toy a couple more times but roman keeps stopping him with a smile and eventually virge just drops the toy and hugs his knees to avoid it happening again

but eventually roman asks virgil a Very Important question

'Prince Virge, what shall we do with the treacherous thief?'

and that is FAR more responsibility than virgil is comfy with having

‘Um,’ Virgil bites his thumbnail and looks nervously between the toy and Roman. he really doesnt want to decide something so important and maybe ruin the game

also he's feeling really melty in his chest and words are kind of tricky to say at the moment

‘C’mon,‘ Roman encourages gently with a smile, 'you can do it.'

and the softness in Ro’s tone feeds the liquid warmth in Virgil’s chest and he hugs his legs tighter

and he can feel his eyes tear up for some reason that he can't explain. he just feels small and weird and he wants a hug

Roman sees the tears and quickly kneels up and shuffles in front of virgil

he places his free hand on virgils leg and strokes a little to comfort him

'Hey, hey, it’s okay. Don’t be nervous,’ he whispers, squeezing Virgil’s knee

Virgil sniffles lightly and tentatively reaches his hand out to stroke the toy in romans hand. it looks like a nice texture

Roman smiles and lets virgil hold the toy and stroke it for a moment to calm his nerves. When it seems he’s calmed roman tries again.

‘What do you wanna say to the thief, Vee?’ he asks slowly and kindly, looking down at virgil from where he is knelt above him

Virgil looks up at him with wide eyes then back to the toy. His thumb slots in between his lips. ‘Hewo?’

‘Hi, Vee-Vee,’ Roman giggles and shakes his head. ‘I think you’re little.’

Virgil pouts around his thumb then points at him. ‘Wo-Wo lil.’

‘Yeah and now you are too!’ Roman laughs. 'But you're even littler,' he boops Vee's nose

This makes Virgil excited and he giggles and bounces.

Roman laughs at how sweet he is. Okay, looks like it's time to be a responsible big brother again

and really this feels SO much better for both of them. virgil doesnt like being older and tbh? roman doesnt like being younger either

'do you want your paci, baby?'

Virgil makes a mnh! sound that means yes and Roman reaches out to the paci vee brought with him just in case (yeah they both secretly knew this might happen)

Roman holds it up to Vee's mouth and smiles when vee gasps im excitement and takes romans hand in both of his and latches onto the pacifier

Then he thinks. he has one more thing to check before they can both be little: 'Vee, do you remember if you're wearing a pullup?'

vee tilts his head in confusion

roman frowns 'A pullup, remember? Like a diaper.'

Vee seems to remember something at the word diaper and looks around himself with a smile.

It quickly fades when he looks back at his brother, his fingers reach up to tug his paci. ‘Where baba?’

‘You want your papa?’

Vee nods.

‘Um…’ Roman bites his lip and looks to the door. ‘But Mom said they’re both busy. Don’t you wanna stay here with me for a bit? i can just check if you're wearing a pullup then--'

Virgil whines loudly and looks around. He is growing gradually more panicked, shoulders tensed up to his neck and feet kicking at the carpet. he's getting fussy

‘Shh, it’s okay, baby.’ Roman takes his hand.

When vee's wet eyes snap onto him roman offers him a reassuring smile. ‘Alright, let’s go find Dad.'

unfortunately when they do find the caregivers they are busy and not able to take care of vee, so roman actually grows up and takes care of vee until patton comes in later to take over

and that was very ironically roman's first experience of babysitting virgil!

[brelione]

Neverland (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Mentions of death,suicide,depression,probably a lot of spelling errors,has the possibility of making you cry. :)

This is really bad because I have not slept in 28 hours and I was bored :)

You had said over and over again from the age of 8 that all you wanted to do was go to neverland.It was right after your parents died in a drowning accident that you had become so obsessed with the idea.Neverland was the perfect place where children who simply didnt belong in the real world went to feel wanted.Neverland was where you belonged.You used to pray to any god there was that someday Peter Pan would come to your window and take you away.It never happened though.When you became friends with the pogues at age 14 you felt a bit better.You had met JJ Maybank,the boy of pure chaos and crackhead energy.He was always doing something illegal or doing something he shouldnt be.He was many things and loyal,sweet and kind were some of them.He acted like a lost boy,not caring about the consequences to his actions and living in the moment.

You would sit together on John.B’s roof and complain about life.

“You ever wonder why we’re so fucked up?”You asked.He shrugged,laying down with his arms over his chest.You tucked your hair behind your ears,looking up at the sky and staring at the second star to the right. “Hey,JJ?”You asked.He hummed,watching you stare up at the sky with a sad expression.He had noticed things no one else had about you.How your eyes were always a little pink,the way your laugh was never completely genuine,the way you hid your emotions from everyone because you didnt want to overwhelm anyone.He had always gone out of his way to do nice things for you.He’d made you a bracelet with your name on it that you had worn everyday until the beads had faded and the letters were hardly there.You still wore it.

He remembered your favorite type of poptart and would steal you some when he went to a large supermarket.You had always told him not to steal from independent businesses and if he were to steal from anywhere to steal from a store that had multiple locations because it didnt matter if they lost $2.He tried to show affection,hugging you or attempting to hold your hand.You never accepted it,shrinking under his touch.He wanted you to feel loved and appreciated but no matter how he tried the message just wouldnt get through to you. “If I ever go missing,just know that I probably went to neverland.”You spoke quietly.He sat sat up,frowning. “What?”He asked.You sighed. “I dont like it here.I wanna leave.Im gonna leave eventually so when I do you’ll know where to find me.”You avoided his gaze,staring up at the star.

He scooted himself forward so he was next to you. “Why dont you like it here?”He asked.You sighed,looking at him. “I dont belong here,you know?Everything just feels wrong and I feel guilty all the time because I know I should be grateful that im alive and healthy but I just want to give up.I just fuck things up and I dont wanna do it anymore.”You mumbled,feet dangling off the edge of the roof.He went to grab your hand,sliding his warm large hand over your cold small one.You let him,your fingers curling around his hand. “You do belong here,though.You belong with the pogues and we all love you.You know we love you,right?”He asked.You shrugged. “I dont really belong with you guys.Kiara felt bad for me so she dragged me into this.You dont really love me,you’re just saying that to keep me here.”You looked up at him.

His pupils were large,lips open like he was trying to form words.He was concerned for you,having the urge to pull you away from the side of the roof.You just grinned. “Its okay to admit it,JJ.I know its true.”You smiled.He shook his head. “No.No its not.What am I gonna do when you’re in neverland?Who’s gonna stop me from stealing from independent businesses?”He asked.You just huffed. “Pope will.”You replied.He shook his head,gulping. “No,no.Pope doesnt care about that stuff like you do-you’re the only one who can stop me from stealing pop tarts.”He replied,voice squeaking a bit.You rubbed circles on his hand with your thumb. “Its okay,JJ.Everything is fine.”You spoke softly.He shook his head. “You’re really scaring me right now...please just stay here with me.Please.”He whispered.

You bit the inside of your cheek,taking your hand away from his.You hesitantly leaned forward,hugging him.Your body heat against him was calming.He was nervous to hug you back,not wanting you to pull away from him.He slowly raised his arms,pulling you closer to him. “Dont stress,JJ.Everything is okay.”You whispered.He sniffled. “I just want you to be happy...what will make you happy?”He asked,blinking away the tears.You ran your hand through his hair,your finger tips scratching his scalp lightly as you twirled your fingers. “Shhh...JJ,honey,you’ve got to calm down.”You whispered.He let out a small squeak,biting down on his lip as he rested his forehead against your shoulder. “Please dont leave...please.”He sobbed.The guilt ran through you,knowing you had caused JJ to be this upset with himself.You didnt say anything,you just continued to run your fingers through his hair.He felt his whole body heating up.His lips always got really hot and red when he cried,he didnt really know why.He moved,kissing your forehead lightly.The heat against your cool forehead made a shiver run down your spine. “JJ,look at me.”You whispered,lifting up his chin.He looked up at you,more tears falling from his eyes.He sniffled,staring into your eyes.

He leaned forward,kissing you lightly.You pulled away after a few moments,forehead still against his. “It’s three in the morning,if we want any energy tomorrow we should probably sleep.”You mumbled quietly.He frowned. “You’ll still be here when I wake up,right?”He asked.You nodded.He couldnt believe he was scared of you leaving to go to neverland.He didnt know if that was really what he was scared of though.In all honesty he was absolutely terrified you’d kill yourself or something.After that night JJ had always tried to stay close to you.He always wanted to be touching you in some way,holding your hand or having his arm around your waist.He stole you more poptarts,telling you where he’d gotten them from before you even asked.

He’d text you every morning when you two couldnt spend the day together and he’d call you at least three times a day.Everytime you didnt answer he’d feel his heart speed up anxiously.You’d always text him when you didnt answer,telling him that you were busy and that you’d call him later.Sometimes you didnt have the energy to answer his texts but he’d feel better seeing that you had at least read them.But one day you didnt answer his calls.He waited for a text from you to explain why you hadnt answered.He tried to convince himself that maybe you were in the shower or taking a nap or maybe out for a swim.He knew you werent.You’d always text him before you went out for a swim or took a shower.You always said the same thing. “Im hopping in the shower so dont get scared if I dont answer.Love you.”.He hadnt received that text yet.

He had bit his nails as he sat in the hammock. “Are you okay?You seem stressed.”Pope looked over at him.JJ gulped. “Im just scared about (Y/N).She’s not answering me and I dont know what to do.”He had explained.Kiara frowned. “Are you guys fighting?”She asked.JJ shook his head. “She hasnt read my texts and I checked when she was last active on instagram and it says three days ago.I dont wanna go to her house because I dont wanna seem clingy but she’s really starting to scare me.”He tapped his foot on the grass.Kiara nodded. “Maybe her phone is broken.”She shrugged.He shook his head. “I dont know.I have a bad feeling.”He frowned. “So lets take the boat and go check on her.”Pope sat up from the porch couch.John.B was at Sarah’s and he would understand why they were taking the boat.Pope drove,going through the water as fast as the boat allowed until they were at the dock in your backyard.

JJ hopped out,going to your back door and knocking on the wood.He tried calling again,hearing your phone ring from somewhere in the house.He reached over to the windowsill,moving the painted rock you kept there and grabbing the key.Kiara and Pope were close behind him,starting to become anxious as well.He turned the key in the door,opening it with such force that the door knob smacked against the side of your house.He walked in,calling your name.He approached your bathroom,his hands shaking as he reached for the door knob.He told himself he was being ridiculous,opening the door.He turned on the light,wincing and hoping that you werent there.You werent,but your phone was. “(Y/N)!”Kiara shouted,going into your bedroom.Your blankets and sheets were messy,pillows thrown around.The window was wide open,your dresser knocked over. “JJ!”She shouted.He sprinted through the house,catching himself on your door frame.His breath hitched in his throat.There was no way.

There was no fucking way that you had actually left.That wasnt possible.Peter Pan wasnt real.But robbers were.Maybe someone had broken into your window and kidnapped you.That theory didnt make sense either because nothing had been missing and you always kept your bedroom window locked.You promised you wouldnt leave him.Maybe you had been forced to leave.He had to figure it out.He had to have you back.

[wolferals]

🌹HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS🌹

arón piper preference

*

*

-it was your first day of senior year at the new school

-your mom and dad made you move to spain by the beginning of august and its was september when you first set a foot into your new hell

-of course your alarm didnt go off and you were almost late

-you were wearing black jeans with a red tight shirt and a flannel on top

-your hair was up in a messy bun that still looked kinda stylish

-when you walked through the strange looking hallway you got more and more nervous

-what if they would be mean?

-what if they dont speak english?

-what if they hate me because im new?

-you worried a lot

-but you had no choice but to enter the classroom with the number 121

-since it wasnt 9 yet there werent many people and no one even noticed you walking in

-you sat down on a free chair in the back and put your backpack on the floor

-then you started observing

-the girls looked alright, they didn’t look like people that would treat you like shit

-there were two boys laughing and talking in spanish pretty loudly

-and there was this one guy sitting in the opposite corner, hood over his head and his phone in his hands

-from the way he was sitting he seemed bored, maybe tired?

-you could only see a bit of his face though he looked kind of sad

-but maybe he was just tired because it was the first day after summer and all

-after everyone had sat down a very tall woman came in and put her name onto the board

-she looked strict

-then she started talking in spanish and you knew you were fucked

-this was supposed to be english class but they were still speaking spanish

-so you leaned back and looked around and kind of ignored the teacher

-you didn’t understand anyway

-until you heard your name

-„y/n trabaja con arón, no?“

-you raised your hand and spoke:“sorry i don’t understand, what about me?“

-the teacher smiled and answered:“oh right you‘re the new girl. I just said that you will be working with Arón.“

-„work on what?“ you asked confused

-she came up to you and then explained:“We do this every year that the students team up and do a project together. This years topic is „drama“, you could either talk about a dramatic book or movie in general or become creative.“

-you nodded at her and eventually looked around to figure out who this arón is

-„when‘s the project due?“

-she walked back to the front and said:“You got a month“ in a harsh tone suddenly

-after the first 4 classes you were sitting outside looking through the english text book when someone stepped into your view

-you looked up

-„hola.“ the guy with the hood from before stood there

-„hey.“ you answered and he looked around while putting both his hands in his pockets

-„im arón.“ he then said

-you looked at him and replied:“Okay?“

-„yes.“ arón said back

-„ohhh right! Project partner!“

-he nodded and then asked:“Do you want to start today?“

-you nodded as well and answered:“sure, at your place?“

-aron agreed and then gave you his number so you could text about it again

-its been 3 weeks of you two working on the project when you finally had the courage to ask him

-„why do i never see you talking to anyone in our class?“

-he seemed alone all the time

-and you were a little concerned because from what you‘ve seen he‘s a really nice guy with a huge heart

-he was a little shy but could be hilarious and charming occasionally

-you guys were sitting on his desk just finishing some posters

-„i think its because the other boys are better?“

-he looked sad again

-„what why?“ you asked seriously not understanding his statement

-he leaned back, scratched the back of his head and replied:“i dont know, they just dont like me. Im not really attractive i think.“

-you were seriously mad at him now

-why would he think that?

-i mean you werent ready to date him after knowing him for only 3 weeks but you could imagine it after some time

-„you dont think you‘re attractive?“ you asked looking deep into his chocolate eyes, trying to understand what he was thinking

-„no.“ he simply spoke and put on a fake smile

-„oh no, arón.“

-without waiting for a response you hugged him as tight as you could

-it took him a bit to hug back but then he grabbed onto your waist

-„dont say that, ever! You‘re a great guy!“

-he laughed quietly and let go of you again

-„i swear, you‘re cute! And you‘re the only person who was nice enough to talk to me. Well.. you kind of had to because of the project but its been 3 weeks and no one except you showed any interest in me.“

-arón smiled at you and pulled up his sleeves. „you‘re really nice. i like you.“

-„i like you too cabrón.“

-he laughed, showing the gap inbetween his front teeth

-„you learned a spanish word!“ he clapped a little

-„thank you.“ you laughed too and then said „gracias guapo.“

-he grinned and then asked:“do you know what you just said?“

-„no.“ you smiled and leaned back

-aron leaned forward and whispered:“you just called me hot“

-you shrugged your shoulders and just answered:“well.“

-another couple of weeks later you and aron got really close and you spent almost every minute together

-in your breaks he taught you spanish, which you slightly failed but it made him laugh hearing you mispronounce words

-and it made you happy seeing this cute boy laugh

-after class you guys hung out

-either watched a movie, spent some more time with spanish, walking through Luarca or playing video games

-you felt like now you guys were on a level where arón was fully comfortable around you

-he told you about the problems with his parents and then he told you the story why no one talked to him in class

-„it was 2 years ago.“ he spoke taking deep breaths every now and then

-you were sitting in front of him looking at his face while he was telling you the story

-„i was with this girl, her name‘s Ana (sorry if thats your name). I did everything to make her happy but it was never enough. She cheated on me with this soccer player and told everyone that i cheated on her. No one believed her because someone saw her kiss this boy.

But then one day she came to school with scars and black spots and when the teacher asked what happened she said i hit her, which is not true! She cried in front of everyone so they believed her. I was suspended and now everyone in school now thinks im aggressive.“

-he had started crying a little while telling you the story

-„arón no!“ you took him in your arms and gave him a kiss on his soft curls

-„i believe you! You wouldnt hit anyone.“

-aron hugged you tightly and rubbed your back softly

-„te quiero“ he then told you but since your spanish was still bad you didnt know what it meant and just kind of ignored his statement

-the next day in class you told aron to talk to one of his ex best friends and first he didnt want to but you kind of forced him

-when he walked up to him and sat down you could hear this guy getting loud right away

-aron talked to him for a while, more like discussing

-he this guy hit him in the jaw and aron stumbled backwards

-„hijo de puta!“ you heard aron yell at the guy but unfortunately the teacher was right behind him

-„Arón Piper. Oficina del director. Ahora.“

-he gave you a quick glance, grabbed his back and then left the classroom looking hella mad

-„he didnt do anything! He hit him.“ you then basically yelled at the teacher

-„y/n please sit down.“ she spoke and pointed at your seat

-„no its fucking unfair how aron is being treated here. Dont you see how painful it must be to be hated because of a misunderstanding?“

-the teacher had lightly grabbed your arm to calm you down

-„y/n, please.“

-a girl then stood up and said:“arón is an asshole and a loser. Also why do you hang out with him? Like, you could have better.“ she looked at a certain guy in the front row

-you couldnt believe it

-„god you guys suck so bad! Ive known aron for only a month now and i already know that he‘s a better person than you all together! You know why? Because he‘s a real human fucking being. He is nice, caring and sweet and doesnt judge anyone by their looks, whats wrong with you people?“

-„y/n enough! Principals office!“ your teacher yelled back at you making you stomp out full of anger

-at the principals office you found out that aron only got told to be nicer to them

-„what happened to you?“ he asked coming your way in the hallway

-but you were too mad to talk so you walked a little faster

-and grabbed his head

-you kissed him rather roughly in the middle of the hallway

-he was surprised but kissed you back and put his hands on your waist

-your kiss was rough yet passionate and sweet

-you felt like he let it all out

-all thats ever made him upset

-and you just wanted his kisses

-he was the perfect guy for you

-no matter how he saw himself

-he was good looking, smart, talented, sweet and the best spanish teacher you‘d ever imagined

-„arón piper! Y/n y/l/n, you can come back here right away.“

-you pulled away

-the principal was standing in the door staring at both of you

-„puta.“ you whispered, then smiled at him and grabbed his hand to pull him to the principals office

-„here we go again.“

[mystrangerfics]

“Don’t look away from me.” with angsty Billy please my bb

“Don’t Look Away From Me!” - Billy Hargrove

(Sooo, this took a really odd turn! Sorry! Hope you like it, bb!)

Warning: Swearing, Abuse, Violence.

Pairings: Billy Hargrove x Reader / Steve Harrington x Reader

Word Count: 3440

You kept your arms crossed as you stomped angrily through the crowd of people that filled Tommy H’s house. You had come to the party to surprise your boyfriend, Billy Hargrove. Your prior plans with your parents had fallen through so you had shown up to get drunk and have a fun evening with Billy. Much to your surprise or more sadly, to your lack of surprise, you had found him out back by the pool with a blonde girl from school wrapped around him, their mouths locked together. Your anger had taken over and you had shoved them both back into the pool. You had only stood there long enough for Billy to angrily come up out of the water, looking for who had dared to disturb him. When he saw you standing above him his anger diminished a little and he realized he had messed up.

“Hey! Hey! (Y/N), wait!” Tommy tried as he quickly followed you and tried to grab your arm. You shoved him away from you as you walked out the door, slamming it.

You heard it open behind you quickly and the telltale sign of water dripping on the cement porch. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” Billy hollered as he stomped up behind you.

“Home! I leave you alone for a whole fucking evening and you’re off fucking something else!” You hollered back, not looking at him. “We are so fucking done!” You ripped open your car door to leave but Billy kicked it shut. You turned, looking at him with a glare. “What, Billy?!”

“You’re not even going to let me explain myself?!” Billy snapped, standing in front of you with his broad shoulders squared up.

You snorted before scoffing and shaking your head, rolling your eyes towards the sky. “Sure, Billy! Please explain to me what I saw! I’m sure I really misunderstood!”

“If you would shut your mouth for five minutes I’d tell you!” Billy harped and you just looked at him, crossing your arms. He didn’t speak for a moment and you moved your arms towards him, signifying that you were waiting.

“She just grabbed me right as you came out! It wasn’t what it looked like! You think I would really mess around with that, skank?!” Billy asked, looking at you like he was appalled you would think that.

“That must be why you were trying to push her away by grabbing her ass in your hands,” you said with a flat tone and an unamused face.

“Okay, fine! Yes, I made out with her but that didn’t mean anything,” he argued and screwed up his face. “I was just bored!”

You shook your head at Billy for what felt like the millionth time. “You know, I’m not even surprised,” you admitted to him. “I just can’t believe that you think I’m dumb enough to buy a word that you say!”

“Well if you’re not surprised then why are you being such a bitch?!” Billy asked, motioning to you like you were being ridiculous.

“This is just…you’re so…,” you couldn’t even say anything, your mind racing.  You held your head in your hands and shook it.

“Just come back inside,” Billy said, trying to grab your arm but you pulled it away.

“I should have known not to fucking bother with you. You’re so fucking predictable,” you finally mumbled, hugging yourself.

“What did you fucking say?!” Billy asked and you kept your head down with a sigh. “Don’t look away from me!” You remained quiet and couldn’t bring your eyes to Billy’s level. “What the fuck did I say?!” Billy snapped and you felt him push you into your car and he gripped your jaw, holding your face up to his.

“Let me go!” You hollered as he painfully held your jaw.

“What the fuck did you say?!” Billy hollered and glared.

“Get off me!” You hollered before you shoved Billy back but his grip didn’t let up. You shoved him again and felt his grip tighten, bruising your skin. His hand grabbed into your hair, fisting and pulling before you started hitting him repeatedly, trying to get him off. You heard him growl and he shoved you into your vehicle, knocking the air from your lungs and you fell to your knees.

“Billy! Hey, get off her!” You looked up to see Tommy shoving Billy away from you. “Fucking quit it, man! That’s enough!”

“Come here, babe,” you heard as Carol’s arms wrapped around you and helped you sit up. She held you against her as Billy shoved Tommy back and punched him. “Billy, don’t!” Carol hollered and you gripped around her waist and realized you were crying.

Billy got on top of Tommy and started punching him but after a moment another person ran full force at Billy and tackled him. The fight kept up and you saw Steve Harrington had been the one to join the fight. Steve managed to get a few good punches in and when they broke apart Tommy was back on his feet. Steve and Tommy stood in front of you and Carol, blocking you both from Billy.

“Come on, (Y/N),” Carol whispered to you and stood, slowly helping you to your feet. “Can you walk?” She knew your legs were okay but you were noticeably shaking. You nodded before getting up with her and she helped you towards the porch of Tommy’s house.

“I’m not done talking to her!” Billy harped and you flinched, scared he would somehow get his hands on you again.

“Yeah, you are!” Tommy snapped and pushed Billy back.

“Fucking beat it, Hargrove,” Steve added, stepping up beside Tommy.

Billy looked like he was going to continue to fight for a moment before he scoffed and walked off for his car. “Fuck you both anyways,” he mumbled as he lit a cigarette.

Steve and Tommy watched him for a few moments until he gunned it in his car, swerving dangerously towards Steve and Tommy. Tommy kicked at the car as it went by before looking to Steve with his hands on his hips. They looked over each other for a moment before Tommy stuck his hand out to Steve. There was a moment of hesitation before Steve took his hand and shook it.

“Thanks for helping me, man,” Tommy said after a moment.

“Anytime,” Steve said before he followed Tommy over to you and Carol.

“Let me get you some ice,” Tommy said as he went inside.

“I’m gonna check on him,” Carol whispered to you before she got up to make sure Tommy was okay.

Steve slowly sat himself down beside you and looked at you with a frown. You wiped at your face before sighing a little and looking to Steve. “Thank you,” was all you could think to say before you broke down, crying again.

Steve hesitated for a moment before he slowly wrapped an arm around you and you rested your head on his shoulder. “Shh,” he whispered and pet your hair as he held you to him.

Tommy came out a few minutes later with a towel wrapped up with ice in it. You slowly sat up and took the ice pack, placing it on your tender jaw. “Thank you, Tommy,” you said quietly before you stood up and hugged him.

He held onto you for a moment and rubbed your back, being mindful of where you had slammed against the car. “No one deserves that,” Tommy said as he let you go. “If he does that shit again, you tell me. I’ll fuck him up,” Tommy said back, making you smile a little.

“You’re the best, Tommy,” you said before pulling away from him a little. You had been friends with Tommy and Carol for a long time but had grown distant after they had alienated Steve. It had left you feeling put off with them but then Steve was so wrapped up in Nancy it had left you in the middle with no one.  

“Still got your back, girl,” Tommy said before he went back inside to get his own ice, his face puffy on one side.

“I can’t believe this happened,” you confessed with a little sigh, sitting back on the porch. You sniffled as your nose was still running from your previous tears.

Steve nodded his head in agreement before sighing in disbelief. You both looked up at the night sky and you realized you hadn’t really spoken to Steve since the year before.

“I’m sorry about Nancy,” you mumbled, looking at the towel of ice in your hands. “I know it was a while ago and I’ve been a shit friend but…I am sorry. I know you really loved her.”

“You know,” Steve began before pausing and sighing out. “I think I’ve been a shit friend too. I got with Nancy and I just…I stopped checking in with you. I stopped calling or asking to hang out,” he admitted before running a nervous hand through his hair. “Then you were with Billy and…,” he trailed off, shaking his head.

“I guess we both fucked up,” you said before placing the ice back to your jaw.

“I screwed up first,” Steve said honestly and looked to you. “I’m sorry that I didn’t value our friendship. I just figured you thought what everyone else did, that I turned bitch for Nancy.”

“I’ll be honest,” you mumbled before shrugging. “I did kind of feel that way,” you admitted. “Not at first but when you wrote me off like you did,” you paused before sighing a little. “I think I felt that way because you just left me behind.”

“Honestly,” Steve started before a small, awkward smile appeared on his face. “I liked you more than a friend, so when I got with Nancy, I felt guilty when I talked to you.”

You hid a tiny smirk before nodding your head a little. “If we’re being honest,” you said and Steve nodded. “I was jealous of Nancy.” You looked down as your cheeks reddened a little.

Steve seemed to take in this information with a nod before smiling a bit. “So we were both stupid,” he said before laughing a little and shaking his head. You nodded with your own smile.

Steve looked at you and saw a bruise forming on the back of your neck. He frowned before taking the ice pack that was in your hand, resting on your lap. He readjusted it before he moved closer and brushed your hair back from your neck. He gently pressed the ice to your bruise and you looked at him, your faces closer.

“I’d still be jealous if you were with Nancy,” you admitted with a whisper.

“I’ve wanted to punch Billy Hargrove in the face since the first time I saw him holding your hand,” Steve said back as he looked at you. “I knew he was just going to hurt you. Granted, I didn’t expect it to be this bad or I would have punched him before tonight.”

You smiled a bit at Steve before you leaned over and rested your head on his shoulder. He kept the ice on the back of your neck but leaned his head onto yours. You both stayed quiet and close.

__ __

Steve had followed you home the night of the party and hugged you goodbye. You spent most of the weekend resting until one night you heard a car pull up outside. Your mother and father had just left for a business trip about twenty minutes prior, you thought they might have forgotten something. You pulled open the door but paled when you saw Billy walking up the steps. You quickly slammed the door and locked it before you ran over to the phone, grabbing it up.

“Go away, Billy!” You hollered, holding the phone to your chest.

“Let me in,” Billy said, his voice full of malice. The hair stood up on the back of your neck and you took a step towards the hall. “Open the fucking door, bitch!”

You jumped when he hit the door harshly and you found panic swelling up into your throat.  You quickly began dialing the phone for the police station as there was another loud bang on the door.

“Florence!” You hollered when the woman answered the phone. “Florence I need you to send someone quick! Billy Hargrove is breaking into my house!” There was another loud band and she told you to try and get out or hide and that she would send Hopper. You took the phone with you and ran down the hall. You weren’t sure why but you found yourself dialing Steve’s number, knowing he lived right up the road. You heard him pick up the phone right as you heard the door crash open, you nearly dropped to your knees with fright as you managed to duck into your parents room. “Steve,” you whispered so quietly that you didn’t think he could hear you.

“(Y/N)? What’s wrong?!” He asked, finding himself talking hushed in response to your shaking voice.

“Billy,” you whispered as you quietly crawled across your parents room, trying to make it to a window.

“Billy? Billy, what?” Steve asked, his voice growing concerned.

“Come out, doll! I just want to talk,” you heard Billy say in the hall, his tone taunting.

“I’ll be right there!” You heard through the phone before it clicked.

You tried pushing up the window by your parents bed before you heard the floor creak outside their door. You bit your lip to hide a whimper as you laid yourself down and doved under their bed. The door flew open and you curled into a ball, both hands clasped over your mouth.

“Kitten,” Billy called in a singsong voice. “Why are you hiding? I just wanna talk,” he said and you saw his boots right beside the bed. He kneeled down and his face came into view. “Boo!” He said and grabbed for your legs. You screamed and kicked at him, landing a kick to his face and he fell back.

You dragged yourself forward and got out from under the bed. You scrambled to get your footing as Billy got his and made it into the hall a second before he did. You ran for the door but Billy grabbed your shoulders and threw you to the floor, being able to run faster than you. Your face hit off the floor and your vision span, you groaned and blinked hard, trying to focus. Your eyes landed on the door and your hands reached out, trying to pull you in that direction.

“You wanna slap me?!” Billy hollered down at you before he stomped on one of your hands. You felt immense pain and heard the bones popping before you let out a scream.

“You think you’re too good for me!” He hollered and you flinched as you pulled your wounded hand into yourself.

You had your eyes closed when you heard a meaty thud and waited for the pain to register. When it didn’t and you heard another one you peaked open your eyes.

Steve stood with his back to you, a bat held back, ready to swing. Billy laid on the floor and for a second, your eyes scanned him, thinking he might be dead. A loud, crazed laugh filled the air and Steve kept himself tense.

“Just stay down, Billy!” Steve hollered, adjusting the bat in his grip. He watched as Billy shifted, getting ready to get up before a foot rested on his shoulder and a gun was pointed at his chest.

“I’d listen to him. I think he’s giving you pretty good advice,” Hopper said as he looked down at Billy.

Steve finally rested his bat down by his side and came over to you. “Oh, God,” he whimpered as he held your head gently, keeping it off the floor.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” you tried but your words were oddly broken up and slurred. Steve pulled a hand from your face to brush back your hair a little, you saw blood smeared on his palm. You hadn’t noticed that you were bleeding but figured it might be your nose.

Hopper kneeled beside Steve after a moment and you just noticed another deputy taking a struggling Billy out. “Ambulance is coming, kid,” he said as he seemed to examine your face, replacing Steve’s hands.

“I think I’m okay,” you said and shifted, trying to get up.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Hopper said and rested a hand on your shoulder, coaxing you to lay back down. “We just need to check you for a concussion and look at the hand. Then you’ll be free,” he explained.

You sighed as you rested your head back but nodded a little. Steve stayed with you on the floor, holding onto your unharmed hand. He frowned as he looked to your other hand that rested against your chest. You were shaking and had to turn your head, to let the blood from your nose drain. Steve wiped it away each time it reappeared, keeping it from running down your cheek.

“Did I at least fuck his face up a little?” You asked after a moment, thinking back to when you kicked Billy.

Steve let a genuine burst of laughter break through his sadness and smiled a bit. He wiped his cheek against his shirt on his shoulder, brushing away a tear. “Yeah, fucked him up good. Split lip, busted nose,” he listed off before smiling. “You got him good.”

“Good,” you hummed and Steve was happy to see your nose stopped bleeding. You seemed less out of it and a little more aware, he relaxed. The paramedics came in and began looking you over.

__ __

“Mom, I am fine,” you assured as you stood by the nurses station, holding the phone to your ear. “Just a cast on my hand,” you explained. “Hopper said someone will fix the door and uh…Steve said he would stay with me.” You explained before biting your lip. “Yes, Harrington.” You said and glanced to where Steve was standing down the hall, waiting for you. “Yes, he is a nice boy,” you replied. “Goodbye, mom!” You said when she started prattling on about the rules of her house.

Steve brought you home and you found the door already fixed. All signs of any disturbance was cleaned up and you made a mental note to thank Hopper.

Steve got you into bed and asked if you needed anything. He stood beside the bed with his hands in his pockets, seeming suddenly unsure of himself.

“I’m okay,” you said with a little smile.

“Okay, well, I’ll be right out on the couch if you need me,” he said, motioning over his shoulder.

“Hey, um, Steve?” You asked, stopping him before he went out the door.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He asked, turning back to you.

“Did you want to…,” you started before stopping with a little sigh. “Would you mind sleeping with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

Steve found a soft smile on his face before he nodded a little, “Sure.” He stopped beside your bed to kick off his shoes and you pushed over for him. He laid on his back, unsure of what you were really comfortable with. He didn’t want to make you feel pressured or nervous by his presence or actions. However, it was only a moment until you rested your head on his chest. Your hand that was in the cast resting there too.

“Thank you for protecting me,” you mumbled quietly. “And for saving me.” You nuzzled a little closer to Steve, his scent calming your nerves.

“I owed you,” Steve said with a little smile. He allowed his hand to run over your back for a moment.

“Well, now I owe you,” you said with a little smile.

Steve bit his lip for a second as he thought what you said over. “Would you let me take you to dinner?”

You paused for a moment before you lifted your head, looking to him and smiled a little. “Yeah,” you whispered before you looked to his lips.

Steve saw your glance and leaned forward a little, hesitantly pressing a peck to your lips. You smiled more at him before pressing your lips back to his, letting it linger for a moment before you pulled away. You laid your head onto his shoulder and nuzzled into his neck. Letting all your bad thoughts and memories from the weekend drift away.

[someguy1023]

Nobody’s gonna care about this, but maybe someone will

i think it’ll help convey why im so stuck on this, and why i seem to be focusing more on Holly and, according to messages i kept getting, “white knighting” for her. I’m not gonna justify Holly’s behavior. thats not what this is about. I just want this off my chest.

(im gonna regret this)

also, just to preemptively defend myself, i know how cheesy all this is gonna sound. But its the truth.

so. i guess i should preface this by explaining when I first heard about Holly. Maybe it’ll help this make sense in context. Maybe not. I don’t know but it doesnt hurt to try.

I didn’t actually learn about Holly through the internet like i assume most others did. I actually first found her through TV. More specifically, through that Heroes of Cosplay show SciFi has produced a few years back. I enjoyed it, but found myself mainly enjoying the work Holly and Jessica did while on the show. They were my favorite team, and I always tried to watch whenever they were in an episode. After a while though, I, like a lot of others apparently, got bored and moved on, and eventually forgot about Holly.

It was a few years later that I would find her again. This time, like many others, through Grumps. More specifically, through Ross and Steam Train. I was surprised when it turns out that one of my favorite members of GG was also married to one of my favorite people on HoC. Small world. I stayed a more casual fan, watching the occasional playthrough or crafting episode on her channel. I was more of a fan of GG and Ross, so I tended to watch more of his stuff than hers, but I still made sure to keep watching her stuff. It wasn’t anything major, she just made me smile.

A few years later, it meant something more to me.

In 2016, my father died. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a big deal for something like this. It was everything leading up to his death that was the problem. I always had a very “problematic” relationship with my father. He was abusive towards me when I was younger, lashing out at me for really minor problems. (for example, one time he had lifted me up in the air by my throat and began strangling me when I was ~6. Why? Because I had used some money our neighbor gave me for cleaning up his lawn to buy a popsicle from an ice cream truck, ate half of it, then put the other half in the fridge. He found it, got mad at me, and then began to yell at me. I had a nervous tic when I was younger where I giggled uncontrollably when I was scared. Sure enough, I began to giggle and could stop it, and then he, enraged, lifted me up. I realize years later he was probably drunk, considering he smelled really weird. It isnt a good memory.) He eventually left my mom and I when I was almost 7, moving down to Alabama with this lady he met in a bar, and proceeded to do pretty much every major drug imaginable. I didn’t see/hear from him again until a few years later at his mother’s funeral. He seemed remorseful for what he did to me, and a year or two later, moved in with his cousin back in the state I was living in at the time. I began visiting him when I was 13, and he seemed to be better. He apologized to me for what he did, he tried to be a good dad, and I believed him. That was my first mistake.

Flash forward to January 3rd, 2016. I was visiting him for the weekend after staying at my cousin’s, and was sorting through my things to make sure i didnt forget anything. We had visited one of his friends to get something he borrowed (according to him) then got back to his house. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I thought he fell asleep. I noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth he was going to light before he passed out, so I went over to put it aside. I figured out he wasn’t sleeping. It turns out, he was overdosing, and what I thought was snoring was his throat closed shut and the air escaping his lungs. He was dying. I told his wife (at the time) what what happening, she called 911, and I went upstairs to hide in my bedroom. A lil while later, the ambulance came by, and the paramedics gave him whatever that stuff is they give addicts who OD. (At the time, I didnt know what was going on. He had really bad lungs, and I thought they were shutting down or something. I was told it was from him overdosing later that night.) He woke up, and they drove him to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I went back to my moms house, and stayed there. That was the last time I saw him alive

As it turns out, my dad had been using me for over 2 or 3 years. He was not only stealing money from me under the pretense of helping him with driving for over an hour to pick up/drop me off from my moms place to visit, but had also been heavily manipulating me for years in order to control me. He had tried to turn me against my mother and her side of the family, claiming she had used me to verbally abuse and control him when they were married, telling me lies in order to keep me under his thumb. (like how she threatened to abort me if he didnt marry her after knocking her up, or how she had him steal from his sister during her wedding, etc.) I began to despise my mother, arguing with her constantly, and, on his insistence, never told her anything about what he was doing or what he told me. It wasnt until after that day that I learned it was all lies.

I was devastated. I felt hurt, used, and betrayed. (I realize now...its because I actually was.) I was a wreck. It didnt help that 4 months later...he died. Needless to say, it was a very, very tough grieving period. I locked myself away in my room, unable to summon the energy to even get up in the morning. I had suffered from mild depression prior to this, but it was much worse. I couldn’t find a way to get through this, suffering for months, and eventually, began to think about suicide.

Thats where Holly came back in.

Besided the playthroughs helping cheer me up a lil whenever I put them on, it was her advice that really began my path to healing. Her kind words and support to others began to help me sort through the baggage I had been dealing with about my dad. I began to follow her advice on how to deal with my depression, and began to slowly ull myself back from the edge, and, over time, began to pull myself back up. Eventually, with her help, I began to attend regular therapy sessions, and managed to fully come to terms with what my father had done to me, as well as properly manage both my depression and anxiety problems. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Holly. She helped keep me going when I really needed it. She, for lack of a better expression, helped save my life. I’ll always be grateful to her for that...despite all of this. Ever since then, whenever I felt my depression weighing me down, or felt my anxiety creep back up on me, I could rely on her to help keep me grounded.

When all this happened, I couldnt help but notice I felt the same way as I did all those years ago. Despite the fact that its just some random lady on the internet, and shouldnt have mattered as much as it did...it still hurt on a personal level. The worst part of this whole thing? I can’t go back to the thing that helped me out whenever I felt this way. Not without being reminded everywhere I go of how everyone thinks of her.

So...maybe thats why I’m doing all this. Not just to stop people from spreading hate and rumors based on speculation...but because part of me cant/doesnt want to believe one of the people I relied on and put trust in could be the bad guy. Because part of me just refuses to let go or lose someone who meant so much to me. Because part of me wants to believe that things will get better...even if I know they wont.

If you read through this, thank you. Maybe someone out there feels the same way I do. Maybe, if they dont, someone can understand. Its been a rough month for me. I just hope things will look up somehow. I dont know if I’m gonna come back to this. Im realizing it probably isnt healthy. The only thing I have left to say, then, if I dont come back; please, try to spread good. I know this is the internet, and even worse, tumblr...but i think people need some light nowadays. and constantly spreading hate and cruelty...that wont help anyone. I know nothing i say matters, that nothing i’ve done has changed any minds. but even if you cant trust Holly anymore, or dont believe anything she says...at least believe in one of her beliefs. That kindness is the greatest thing to spread to others, and the world can sure use a lot more of it.

Good night.

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on GFriend’s “Fever”

literally no one asked but WHEN DO I EVER HAVE NOTHING TO SAY-

like red velvet im not a HUGE buddy but im invested enough so as i said no one requested but im still here!!! plus i heard the teaser and i was excited lmao this all my personal thoughts and want them out

no read mores i know thats annoying but like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ look at my other posts theyre all long its my brand

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG aiight so i had to watch their other music videos to see some consistency and from what i could point out is it starts relatively slow in the beginning and then HITS YOU with a build up a beat drop and dancing which I LIKED it gets the curiosity going yknow!!!!!!! i REALLY liked the pre-chorus part LIKE YUJUS PART?????? AND IT BUILDS UP?????? bich...........

the chorus got me swaying from side to side and thank the lord the music doesnt hit you in the face and dig deep into your eardrums and it just feels positive???? like the energy???? it was soothing to me and it has that summer and tropical feeling BUT its more of the relaxing side of summer

so this middle part was interesting to me for some reason let me explain if it were ANY OTHER GROUP you know they wouldve forced a whole ass rap right there dont liE TO ME- so i type this out bc it was a lowkey break from sinb herself and looking like a snacc™ (but ill get to that later) and i didnt mind it! (it was literally five seconds but i liked it let me live)

LETS TALK ABOUT THIS BRIDGE FOR A SECOND im noticing that im magnetically DRAWN to the bridge part and i like that part the most out the whole song like they really did That™ also eunhas HIGH NOTE L I S T E N people usually expect yuju to hit a high note in their songs but eunha really killed that and i appreciate it!!!!!! ive always liked all of their voices they just have tones that sound sweet yknow what i mean??? like if a bakery came to life and became six people-

THE DANCE we love a good center sinb so when the dance started right at the beginning and she was there that broke my neck then they had to give me center sinb AGAIN and that broke my spine AND THEN they gave me center yerin and that broke my knees- what im saying is this killed me-

its pretty obvious that this songs choreo doesnt go AWF™ as much as their other songs do which i think was done like that bc its a relaxing summery song so the dancing shouldnt go hard and be super complicated like let me tell you the dance they do during THE CHORUS BICTH the entire thing got me trying to kick my leg and spin around with my arm up just like they were the split second they dropped it low i almost dropped dead and i liked that part at the end with umji when they were in a line while she was singing??? it was satisfying to watch

THE VISUALS i know i keep saying its summery and all but theyre in the desert??? theyre legitimately in the desert both wandering in it and under a car parking lot thing with two (2) cars (not sponsored what you mean) and a gas station I MEAN there was outside that building and inside the building and that place where theyre sitting on that wall which like this is very Aesthetically Pleasing™ to my eyes

anyway some sets and stuff i DID LIKE:

that scene with sinb umji and yerin on that couch surrounded by all those plants and looking stunning in the light and through those plants yes-

sowon and yerin lying on the floor in front of a sunset backdrop in the middle of the room and you can see through the windows outside i found that pretty interesting to look that

that one set theyre dancing on in the middle of the street or whatever in front of that building the colors were hella nice to me

when all of them were sitting on that wall with those trees behind them and those bright lights

and yknow what i actually liked the camerawork i dunno why it made the mv nice to watch

then that ending part where they were all standing with all those plants that was like SUPER COOL to look at (dont ask why i dunno how to explain it pls)

T H E M

id like to make it clear that they werE ALL SERVING FACE (giving the Smize™ if you will) and looking SO BEAUTIFUL AND STUNNING I DUNNO IF WORDS COULD EVEN PERFECTLY CAPTURE HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE imma try tho

i would like to start with mentioning that i loved the makeup and hair here like i have no complaints or anything like that for any of them they all look freaking amazing and i cant believe theyre existing like this-

so we dont see sowon all that much which is a shame because that red dress and that black outfit and That White Crop Top™ outfit with the kinda baggy pants and THAT BLUE DRESS was popping like she was looking really Good™

so yerin was pretty much the Face™ of this video which is all fine and dandy yknow shes real pretty like i knew the moment i saw those teaser pictures of her i was gonna get wrecked by her (like thats it she nearly made me swerve) lets talk about that outfit with the baggy jeans bc OOF-

eunha had long hair in one of her teasers which i was nervous about (still big mad about seulgi in zimzalabim) HOWEVER it didnt happen like that THANK GOD i thought it was weird that she was wearing beige when everyone was wearing black??? and that black outfit with the gloves........ it was a choice that was made NONETHELESS SHES B E A U T I F U L

yuju.................................... LISTEN- this is my bias okay she really waltzed through this video like the Snacc™ (more like five star dinner but okay) she is and feeding me well with her visuals like every time she stared into the camera my brain did dial up like that first outfit she wore when she started singing i knew i wasnt gonna survive and the purple dress AND that one blue fit she was wearing when she was literally just STANDING like i cant take it seriously im at my limit i-

SO ANOTHER MEMBER THAT JUST ALWAYS WRECKS ME IS SINB AND SHE IS RUDE™ like this hair color those braids when she was wearing THAT™ black outfit that oversized white button up whatever that was anD THAT GREEN ONE!!!!!!!

lets get one thing straight umji is always hella stunning okay like A L W A Y S like the white pants with the black crop top and like that black fit GIVE👏ME👏MORE👏PONYTAIL👏UMJI👏and that blue one and that PINK ONE WAS EVERYTHING AND THAT ONE WITH THE PURPLE FLOWERS AND THE LEAVES BICTH-

its a FUN SONG like ive been listening to it on a loop so i could make this review and im STILL not sick of it or anything ive been in a bouncy mood bc of it!!!! its clearly a different style when you compare it to their past title tracks but i personally welcome it!!! tho ill keep it real with you chief i could see some elements in the songs that might cause someone to get a little bored after a bit or maybe already bored but i am NOT that someone

i finish this with a scene i cant get over:

IN CONCLUSION: ISSA BOP™ AND IM GONNA KEEP WATCHING THIS VIDEO BC IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD AND HAPPY NOT BC OF YUJU LOOKING LIKE A WHOLE MEAL I SWEAR

[mf-despair-queen]

Jigsaw Pieces - Chapter 4 - Mitch Rapp

Author: @mf-despair-queen​

Characters: Mitch Rapp/Reader

Word Count: 4,715

Summary: Mitch has changed since the in Ibiza. After some fearful words, Mitch disappears without notice. She’s determined to find him - no matter the cost.

Warnings: None Really?

Notes: JUST LET ME POST ALREADY TUMBLR. JFC

Eighteen Months Later…

Mitch changed.

After spending countless weeks in the hospital for his injuries, he was forced to undergo physical and mental rehabilitation. You couldn’t count how many times the doctors had called because he had awoken in the middle of the night screaming at the tops of his lungs from the trauma on the beach. You couldn’t count the number of times you saw him collapse from pain, the wound in his leg throbbing with unyielding agony. You couldn’t count the number of times you stood outside his hospital room, staring through the window at his broken figure, fingers running over the scar on his shoulder.

Yet, he never said a word of it to you. Not once did Mitch say anything about his pain or his distress, keeping a cold persona that made your skin crawl and your wrist ache.

After graduating with your masters, you moved down to Rhode Island with Mitch, despite his silent protests. He never actively pushed you away, but you couldn’t help feeling that he was trying to distance himself from you. Writing it off as part of his painful loss, you stayed with him, caring for him just as you always had.

Every night, you would show up at his apartment door, letting yourself in with the spare key he never complained that you had. He would be shirtless at his computer or in his bed, reading some book in which you weren’t sure the contents were. Every once in a while, you would find him knee deep in exercising, his fists pounding away at the punching bag hung up from his roof. His eyes, dark and mysterious, would glance up at you, never truly acknowledging your presence in his messy home. He would follow your form across the apartment until you found the kitchen, placing the groceries you got for him in his fridge, making dinner for the two of you.

He would grace you long enough to sit at the table for an awkward, silent meal, words rarely being shared. The clink of silverware against the plates filled the apartment, sometimes Mitch being preoccupied with a book. He never gazed at you for long, your eyes lefts to linger on his form, taking in the changes he had undergone in a year and a half.

His hair had grown out, the once shorted chocolate locks having grown out to something that was reminiscent of his high school days. The ends curled towards the roof unless they were wet with sweat or a shower. His luscious locks had lost some of its sheen, mirroring his depressed form. You only knew that it was the same fluffy locks he always had because he would sometimes fall asleep after dinner and you would sit with him, running your hands through his hair. It seemed to calm him, a wave of relaxation washing over you almost like you were able to feel his aura seeping through your system.

To add to the longer hair, the man had grown out his beard considerably. It felt like the first true sign that he was a man now, no longer the teen you went to highschool with. A thick brush of hair covered his lip, chin and cheeks, hiding the constellation of marks that were spread across his jawline. It saddened you that they were invisible to the naked eye as the hair got longer. Recalling the nights you could just say next to each other talking, you had counted the number of marks and moles he had strewn across his fair skin countless times, memorizing them without realizing it. Though, staring at him now, his slender digits stroking the length of his beard, tugging at the end strands

His body had changed. The fact that he strolled around his apartment shirtless helped you to admire his newly improved physique. His arms had bulked up from incessant training, the same veins you were used to running alone paled skin. His pecs had tightened, showing off his collarbone more pronouncedly. His shoulders had broadened with his increased muscle tone, his sheer strength of will resting on them. The thing that made you frown the most was the star that glared across the room on his shoulder - from either side - from the bullet wound he incurred. It was the bitter reminder of what had happened; it was the imperfection that seemed to keep him going.

The cold man sat across from you, you heart breaking at the sight. You never stopped caring; you never stopped loving him. If anything, you cared for him more than ever. From the time you saw him lying in the bed, broken and lost, you wanted to be there for him. And over time, as you watched him recover - watching him grow strong physically and mentally - you couldn’t help but feel your rapid heartbeat pounding against your ribcage, a clammy hand placed over it when you were alone. Your body burned, yearning to touch him, hold him and tell him things would be ok. You wanted to feel loved, even if it was a simple friendship once more.

The burning intensity that spread up your arm, however, worried you.

An uncomfortable knot typically sat inside you, something unsettling egging at your insides. Your mind screamed that something wasn’t right - that something was off. But what it was, you couldn’t say for sure. The only sign your had was the constant sizzle the ran through your veins, resembling adrenaline and determination that didn’t feel like your own. The source: the puzzle piece. Everything seemed to radiate from it and resting a hand over it at night, it felt like your skin was n fire under chilled, icy hands. Whenever your eyes fell upon Mitch, the burn seemed to increase, your thumping heart speeding up without the feeling of love.

Swallowing thickly one night, you placed your fork down with a loud clatter than caught Mitch’s attention for once. Dark whiskey eyes glanced up from his own food, a brow raising. Your hands fell into your lap, fingers fiddling together anxiously. Your eyes squeezed shut, unsure why you felt so nervous. It felt like it had been forever since you spoke to him. It felt like you hadn’t had a normal conversation with the Mitch you knew and loved. His gaze now felt like it was piercing your soul, your blood running cold. His warming presence now teetered over you, intimidating you with just a glance.

“Mitch,” you breathed, finally daring to look up at the man. “Are you ok?”

The question was honest, and you could see Mitch waver slightly at the sudden inquiry. His hand shook, the fork placed on the table slowly. His reddened lips pursed together, rubbing together in thought. His eyes narrowed before falling to the table, pondering whatever words he would spout off. Cocking your head to the side, you waited, no immediate answer coming. Your hand unconsciously rubbed at your irritated wrist, a sense of dread and anguish beginning to wash over you. Your lip quivered, eyes glistening with unshed tears you had withheld for years.

“Please,” you let out quietly, voice cracking under the weight of worry. “Please, Mitch. Just answer me honestly. I’m so worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” came his quick reply. His sultry voice made you shiver, the man returning his gaze to you across the table. A fire burned in his orbs. His hands curled into tightened fists, knuckles glowing a ghostly white from the tension. “I promise, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure-”

“Yes,” he cut you off, giving a small smile that screamed fakeness. “I promise, I’m fine. I will make things right, I swear.”

His words sparked a sense a distrust - a feeling you never thought you’d feel. Something felt off with the way he said it. Something wasn’t right because the mark imprinted in your skin burned hotter with determination. Yet, behind the fire was a cold wave that told you one thing.

Mitch lied about being fine.

But…

He wasn’t lying about making things right.

The words lingered in your mind ever since. You wanted to piece together what it meant. You were scared your friend - your crush - was going to do something he may regret one day. Nightmares plagued your mind of the reckless things he could attempt, the result always the same. He would lay on the ground in a pool of his own blood, the crimson liquid spreading out in every direction. Finally, it would settle around your feet, staining your bare feet. His lifeless eyes would bore into you, head giving a sickly crack as it tilted in the wrong direction in a zombie-like manner. His mouth would part, the same words making you scream yourself awake.

Why didn’t you help me? Why did you let me die?

In your state of panic, you began to use your days ff to tail the man. Taking note of his odd behavior as the fall and winter weather approached, you bundled in the warmest jacket you could find, a bean on your head and gloves on your hands while following him, keeping a safe distance so he wouldn’t pick up on your presence. His head occasionally would whip around, as if he felt eyes on him at all hours of the day.

You hid in a corner of the gym, sipping on a bottle of water while watching him wrestle and fist fight with the other men. Mitch seemed to be oblivious to your form watching over him, too focus on the punches he would throw, the kicks he laid and the aggressive grappling he had become fond of. One too many times, you saw how violent he would become, spinning his body around in a way that made his butt stick out in the black and red gym shorts. His legs would wind around a man’s torso, hands gripping at the shirt to begin choking the defenseless trainee. Only when they were red in the face and on the verge of passing out would Mitch be ripped away, his opponent gasping for air with the mumble of low curses under his breath.

The increased violence furthered your worry. Mitch could be a hard ass growing up, but before your eyes, this was new extreme. He seemed primed to kill, his sight gone red with one thought: fulfill the task at hand. Even in training, he seemed to be prepping for something, not caring who was in his way of becoming strong. His steps never tangled and his hands never wavered, the intent to end a life sickening.

Your head snapped up one cold afternoon, the straw of your coffee between your lips when you heard the yells of Carlos from the mats. The pen in your hand fell into your notebook, straightening up where you sat to see what was going on. Mitch was swiping his thumb across his nose, cheek red. His eyes had narrowed as Carlos’ booming voice carried.

“That’s it, Rapp. You’re done. Get out,” he told the sweaty man. Mitch glanced between the gym owner and the guy gasping for air on the ground, cursing out Mitch. Noticing he stood stagnant, Carlos’ voice raised, pointing at the door. “Get out!”

Mitch rolled his eyes, an air of annoyance exuding from him body. He reeked of it, not caring who knew he was pissed off. Ripping off the gloves, Mitch trotted to his belongings, removing the leg pads before pulling on his shoes. His hair stuck to his forehead, clothes clinging to his limbs. Whipping his jacket onto his shoulder, he stood from his seat, gym bag tight in hand.

“Have a nice fucking day,” was his bitter remark. You winced when the clang of the door banged open, Mitch disappearing into the cold while the door clattered shut.

Gathering your stuff, you rushed over to Carlos, giving him a sad smile. “I’m so sorry about him, Car. He’s just… he’s been on edge.”

Carlos sighed, rubbing his chin. “I know he’s your friend, but you can’t keep making excuses for him, Y/N.”

“What? I’m not-”

“Watch out for him,” Carlos said. “He’s going to get hurt with this reckless behavior. Or worse - he’ll get someone else killed. And I’d rather not hear that it’s you.”

You frowned, tightening your grip on your bag. You stared at the ground, biting at your lip. “He wouldn’t hurt me.”

“I don’t know about that anymore.”

You left without another word, following Mitch to his next destination: the gun range. With every step you took, all you could think was, He would never do that.  

Walking down the packed street, you slid past people as fast as you could, trying to keep pace with the ever vigilant man. Your hands were stuffed in the pockets of your jackets, only pulling out glove-clad hands when you moved by people while uttering low apologies. Your eyes never left the man through the gaps in the crowd, a considerable gap to keep from being noticed.

Through the entire process of tailing your friend, you missed the shutter of a camera going off, a man in black clicking photo after photo of Mitch as he hastily sped his way down the Rhode Island streets of gray brick and cobblestone. The circle with a distinct crosshair narrowed on the man for a flurry of pictures before turning to you. The man in black taking the photos stared at the image of you he had captured, clicking the radio on his ear.

“Candidate is on the move to the gun range. The girl is on his tail.”

“Does she know anything?”

“I don’t think so. I think she’s just concerned.”

“Well, make sure she doesn’t pick up on his habits. If he makes a move, we can’t drag her into this.”

“Yes, ma’am, Director Kennedy.”

~

You didn’t know that the last time you would would see Mitch was that day at the gun range. You had stood worried near your coworker who agreed to cover for you as you watched Mitch. It started out normal: shot after shot making your ears ring, even through the noise cancelling headphones you were designated to wear in the pit. Each shot that was fired nailed its target, the paper cut out of a human being displaying holes in the head and chest.

The noise picked up when he swapped guns, the hand gun exchanged for a high powered rifle that struck through the air with a sickening crack. The constant ‘boom, boom, boom’ made you wince, watching the slaughter of the target in progress. Dust was flying, bullets hitting the wall behind the target as it was torn to shreds. People stopped at stare at the man you called your longtime best friend, his form unwavering and unflinching.

You stood from your seat in panic when the alarm sounded, blaring into your mind clearly. Each step into the gravel Mitch did made you heart jump, clammy hands gripping at the bottom of your shirt. After swapping guns again, the even more high powered pistol firing off into the air, Mitch was attacking other targets. When he moved forward, the gun dangled at his side, the former athlete swapping to a handheld pistol as if he were finishing off a target after he ran out of bullets.

You wanted to run after hi, hugging him from behind to stop him. But Jeremy held you back, shaking his head. Sadly, you were forced to watch Mitch get escorted from the premises.

You didn’t follow him after that. You headed home, soaked in a bath, and never heard from him again. He seemed to vanish, leaving nothing more than a note on his fridge door that said he was on a trip and not to worry about him. The words didn’t calm you, your worry building each day that passed. Phone calls went unanswered, going straight to voicemail after a while. Texts went unread, no reply attempted. No sign of life lingered in his apartment, the mess the same very time you walked in, walking back out immediately after. Dust was gathering on the surfaces. Mitch’s landlord asked every time you walked in what was going on.

All you could tell him was you didn’t know before passing him the payments Mitch neglected while he was away.

Sitting at work one afternoon, Wendy, you seatmate, slide over to you, leaning on her elbows as she eyed you. Her long black hair draped across her shoulders, tips brushing against the tabletop. Her dark eyes narrowed on your form, bright red lips pursed together. Manicured nails drummed against the polished table, the click clack making your nerves rattle. Amidst all of your stress, you were on edge from lack of sleep. Hearing her chair squeak when he shifted into a different position to stare at the side of your face, you let out a deep sigh, turning to her.

“Can I help you, Wen?”

“You look like you haven’t slept again,” she pointed out. Gesturing to her own face, she pointed out the spot just under her eyes. “Your make up didn’t cover the bags. And you look like you haven’t eaten. You’ve lost color in your cheeks.”

“Is my makeup really that bad that you can tell?” you huffed, pulling a mirror from your purse.

“Yes and no,” she mused. “I just know you that well. So, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you mumbled.

“You’re a horrible liar.”

You sighed again, letting your head fall to your lap. You hand instinctively rubbed at your wrist, feeling a brief sting of pain course through your body. It wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the shockwaves you had encountered, but it was rattling whenever the sudden feeling took over. Wendy watched on, waiting for you to answer.

“I’m just worried,” you admitted, eyes darting to her for a second. “Mitch hasn’t been home in over a month. He was he was on a trip, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. I’m scared something happened. The last time he left like this, he was shot in Ibiza. He hasn’t been the same since and I’m afraid that he went off to do something reckless. That he’s on some suicide mission.”

You wanted to tell her more. To tell her about the burning sensation that flowed through your veins like fire. To confess about the feelings you felt that weren’t your own: the sense of dissatisfaction that happened days after Mitch vanished, the anger that made your skin crawl, the shocks of pain that ripped through your body nights ago while a sense of determination and focus kept your eyes open. But, you knew she would think you crazy. It was like telling someone you could hear voices. It wouldn’t end well to say something.

“All he left was a note, right? Saying he would be away?”

“Yeah,” you murmured. “I’m sure he left it because he knew I would stop by. I-”

“You always do. I know,” she mused. “You care a lot for that man but it feels like he doesn’t care back.”

“No, he does,” you said, almost as if trying to convince yourself too. “He’s been my friend forever. So, whatever’s been going on - what’s been going through his mind - I don’t think he wants me involved. That’s why I’m afraid he’s going to do something reckless. He won’t tell me so I don’t try to butt in. He knows I will. I feel like he has some death wish.”

“Well, he’s stupid if he keeps pushing you away.”

“I…” you started, letting out a choked sigh. You were fighting back tears. “I don’t know why he’s fighting so hard against me. I know he’s been hurt and he lost Katrina, but all I’ve ever done is been there for him. And he keeps himself so sheltered now. I don’t understand what happened or why he’s being like this. Everything changed, Wendy…”

Wendy rubbed your back, giving a sad smile. “He’s a male. Males do dumb shit.”

“You can say that again.”

“As much as I hate the guy for making you feel so shitty, I want to say that he has good intentions. If you were as good of friends as you say, he must be doing this for a reason. He kept himself away maybe because he doesn’t want you to get hurt by something?” Wendy grinned, trying to lighten to mood. “Or, maybe deep down, he just loves you so much that he is afraid you will reject him.”

You let out a bitter laugh, unable to smile fully. Maybe he does care and he’s pushing me away because of it. Because of Katrina…

“How about you take the rest of today off?” Wendy proposed. Your brow rose at your friend, silently asking what she was talking about. “I will take care of the work you have to do today. You should go to his apartment and snoop around.”

“Snoop around?” you inquired.

“Have you ever actually looked around since he left?” she asked. When you shook your head no, she continued. “Maybe there is some clues around for where he went to what is going on.”

“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?”

“You have a key to his apartment. It’s not like you are breaking in,” she claimed. “As far as I can see, it’s perfectly fine for you to look around.”

“I don’t know…”

“Y/N,” she cut you off. Her hands took yours, smoothing over the tops. “I know you care about him. I know you are worried. So, figure out where he went. It’s the only way to put your mind and heart at ease. Just look around. Maybe there is something there you never noticed. Something that’ll tell you what you need to know. Anything that helps, I want you to look for.”

You pouted for a second before nodding. “Fine.”

“Good,” she grinned. “Text me and keep me updated if anything happens.”

“I will. Thank you, Wen.”

You rushed from the office, headed straight for Mitch’s desolate apartment. Mr. Hazir nodded at you when you walked in, rushing up the stairs to the second floor where the apartment sat. Your hand shook with the key, making you stop to take a deep breath before sliding the key into the lock and twisting. The door clicked, squeaking open as you entered. The dark apartment made you grimace, the smell of old, sweaty clothes giving off a distinct musk wafting up your nose.

Your bag was left by the door as you wandered the apartment, searching for anything that may give you a clue to his unknown location. The punching bag swung lazily when your hand brushed against it, the chain rattling against the hook with its strained weight. His work out gear sat discarded on his ruffled bed sheets, training gloves and pads full frontal vision for you to see. Dust collected on your fingers when they were swiped along any surface, reassuring to his vacancy.

Sitting on the bed, you flicked your eyes through the apartment, straining to see if there was anything out of place that you weren’t used to seeing. “Where did you go?” you asked aloud, receiving no answer back. You sighed, laying back on his bed, feeling the cold sheets and blankets under your hand. “What are you up to, Mitch?”

Your throat tightened with unshed sobs and tears, choking back the sorrow you felt. You forced yourself to sit up, going through his drawers to find something - anything. Your mouth dropped at the sight of the multiple books on the Arabic language, culture and history you never truly realized he was reading. Balls of paper were in the waste bin near his bed, each one being a different article about the same person: Adnan Al-Mansur. The last article you picked up made you body quiver.

It was an news article about the attack in Ibiza.

“Mitch…” you whispered out, biting your lip.

Moving to his computer, your heart sunk further into your stomach. The keyboard was covered with a transparent keyboard with the Arabic alphabet. More books and papers were piled on either side of his laptop, adding to the confusion of what he was doing. Powering on the laptop, you were met with his login information, the password unknown. You sighed hopelessly, not wanting to attempt to break in. Instead, your fingers brushed across the keyboard, feeling warmth along your tips despite the cold plastic it felt. Your fingers moved like you were typing unsure what you were saying.

It just felt natural.

“What have you been doing?” you asked yourself. “I don’t get it. You’ve been learning Arabic, but for what?” You felt dread seeping in, not wanting to believe the following question. “Were you planning revenge on Mansur, the man who murdered Katrina?”

Nausea began to set in. Your stomach twisted with unanswered questions. You needed to escape before you spewed your lack of food onto the hardwood floor. The chair clattered backwards in your haste, hitting the floor with a loud thump. Your heel clacked against the floor while rushing for the front door, stilling before you got there. Your body froze, eyes directed at the closet that hung ajar.

You tried to push it closed, but something impeded it. Swallowing thickly, you pulled it open, letting your arms drop to the sides. Pasted to the inside of the door were pictures of Mansur, slices and cuts ebbed into the photos. The Wooden door had been punctured, but by what? The knife that still sat imbedded in Mansur’s forehead. The black handle poked straight out, blade sharp and stuck in the wood. The pit in your stomach grew at what you saw, the worst becoming reality.

You ran away, not looking back at the evidence of insanity and maniacal vengeance that was present in that room. You didn’t want to admit what you knew. You didn’t want to believe that Mitch was out for revenge.

Mitch was on a suicide mission to kill Adnan Al-Mansur.

~

The room was dark. The only sound was the clicking of fingers against a keyboard. The multiple screens that were perched along the wall were the only source of light, eyes flittering between the codes that appeared before them. The white letters against a black screen flashed rapidly across the screen until the stopped with coordinates to the destination in question. The eyes blinked, blinded from the constant staring at the bright screens in the dark hour.

It was after midnight.

But the chair sliding against the floor was loud, feet padding across the room to find the first bag possible. Clothes were shoved inside, hygiene products shoved into a small pouch on the inside. A passport sat on the bed, ready for use. A hand grabbed the phone that was connected to the computer, dialling a number rarely used.

It was cheating to do so, but you had no choice. Years in a computer science field and you were well adept in the task of breaking into someone’s phone, tracking the location of its whereabouts. The task was illegal, so you rarely did it. But when Mitch changed, you knew you needed a way to keep an eye on him.

Zipping the bag shut, the phone pressed to your ear, you spoke to the person on the other end confidently.

“I need the first available ticket overseas. Preferably the fastest travel.”

“Where is the destination?”

Your eyes fell on the computer before swinging the bag onto your back, backing towards the door. One hand rubbed the jigsaw piece on your wrist, feeling the determination that spurred from not one, but two sources: yours and the unknown presence that lingered around, giving you a sense of comfort that came from something, or someone, else. You were going to him. If he was still alive - you would be there. Even if he didn’t want you there, you couldn’t abandon your friend. Your mouth parted to answer, accepting what you had to do before answering.  

You would save Mitch, one way or another.

“Istanbul, Turkey.”

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[gatorademachinegun]

An Incomplete List Of Dumb Shit I've Done In No Particular Order

uhh trigger warning for injuries and blood bc dumb shit also means being a reckless idiot sometimes

nearly took my own hand off with a metal grinder temping at a machine shop

didn’t tell anyone about it, calmly walked to the bathroom, notified my mother, dug the first aid kit out from under the sink, and stitched it up myself

attempted to go back to work but was busted by my supervisor and sent home

i routinely go walking around the farm at night. in my sleep wear.

went walking out to check on the cows during the blizzard we had a couple weeks ago because my fathers an asshole who refused to check on them himself.

was forced to help move heavy metal shelving despite me telling them i had messed up my shoulder that week and dislocated my left shoulder holding this heavy ass sheet of metal but when everyone around me started screaming I just calmly said, "I told you all this would happen. It's too late now. Let's just finish this." and then relocated my shoulder 20 minutes later and left

accidentally fell off the jungle gym, landed like spider man, then stood back up and did it 3 more times.

went mountain trail riding and broke my throttle thumb half way up the hardest trail there but instead of signalling and stepping off my stupid ass just floored it till I got to the top

kicked a good sized dent into my wall during a flurry of panic because I'd suddenly remembered that I hadn't wished my girlfriend goodnight

accidentally pissed off the bull and was chased up a tree by 2,400 pounds of Anger With Horns, where i spent the next 2 hours waiting for that fucker to leave

accidentally pissed off the bull a SECOND TIME while riding a honda mini trail 50 that i was too big for.

i panicked and floored it, hit a sand patch, crashed through the barbed wire fence, ran a stick of re-bar into my ribs (right under my left boob)

i then picked myself back up, straightened the bike, walked back up to the house and scared 20 years off my fathers life when he saw me covered in a gross mix of sand, gasoline, and blood, parking the bike back in the shop like it wasn't no big thing

broke my right wrist when a dump truck bed at Bass Pro unexpectedly flipped while I was monkeying around on it

(back at school with my broken dominate wrist) taught myself to write with my left hand because the kid who was supposed to be writing my assignments out had terrible handwriting and took too long

intentionally took as long as possible to do any kind of student council assignment because I hated math class and if i took long enough i could miss 90% of the math lesson

got into a screaming match with a dude named Bret, yelled so hard it triggered my gag reflex so i threw up right between our feet, and then went right back to screaming. Bret was so startled he couldnt come up with an argument back and i have not spoken to him one on one again.

rearranged the entire living room while home alone because I got bored

left my glasses in the refrigerator

left my phone in the refrigerator

left my glasses in the freezer, then wanted to microwave them to clear the frost on the lenses because it was 4am and i wasnt all the way awake yet

left my glasses under my father's bed who sleeps an entire floor above my room. took me 2 hours to find them and i just sat their stupefied for a while

randomly thought of this ask and fell halfway down the stairs laughing, then just sat there, wedged on the stairs for a while

I ran outside the other day forgetting the patio was iced over and slid right from the front door all way off the end of patio and landed ass first into a snowbank a whole foot taller then i am

my mother was there to watch the entire thing and she still hasnt let me live it down

repeatedly climbed onto the roof to fix the satellite dish because it may be snowing but i am not going to be without internet

learned Russian because i was too lazy to google translate those Russian cat memes but somehow motivated enough to learn an entirely new language for CAT MEMES

was practicing Russian verbs at my local library and this angry white lady who thought i was summoning Satan started screaming at me while i continued to chant verbs till someone a couple stacks over just said "lady shut the fuck up" and i had to stop bc i was laughing too hard

my nervous 15 year old ass looked right into the eyes of a well off white lady as she let me into her giant house bc i was 20 minutes late to a Halloween party and said “this house is too big. the ceiling arches are too tall for proper acoustics. it’s hard to scream up the stairs for your kids isn’t it?”

i just looked her in dead in the face with a blank expression and she never actually answered my question

she just vaguely gestured towards the kitchen and i just Fled and then she stood in the foyer for a solid 10 minutes before following me to the kitchen to ask me my name

we never talked about and i still keep in contact with her daughter and she's never mentioned it either

every time i see this woman in a public place if we make eye contact she stares at me for a long time and i Know she's Remembering

needed to ask a gas station employee about the gas pumps. found one kneeling by the sandwich cooler and crouched next to him so i wasn't looming while i talked, waved a little bit and said "hey uh-" and must have startled him bc he whipped around to face me. slapping me across the face with the sandwich in his hand in the process. I didn't comment on it. just asked my question and left to laugh my ass off alone in my car.

laughed at a pun my mom sent me i fell off my stool at the school library, still howling, and the librarian came over to check on me saying "are you ok? you're laughing so im assuming you're ok? please let me know if you need help" and then she left while i continued to wheeze on the floor for the next 15 minutes

those are all the ones i can think of off the top of my head but I’ll ask my friends what other dumb shit they’ve seen me do and add to this list as I remember stuff 

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter nine / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

Nakoa wakes to darkness. He finds out easily that he’s in a vehicle; the rumble of tires beneath him, the loud, high-pitched squeal of rubber on asphalt.

The hard, unforgiving feel of metal against his shoulder. He opens his eyes, but it makes no difference. He sees slivers of light, but nothing really. Nakoa blinks, once, twice, and, when he turns over, finds himself grateful for the lack of light, because just the slivers of daylight peeking through are enough to send spikes through his brain.

“You awake?” He jolts at the sound of a voice, relaxes when Rem adds, “Hey, it’s just me.” His words are near slurring, though. Nakoa spins his head to look for him, nervous, worried, but it’s impossible to see in the darkness. “I—” Rem huffs a frustrated breath. “Can’t see a fucking thing—where are you?”

One of Rem’s boots finds Nakoa’s ribs. He mutters an apology, then says, “Hang on—” before he reaches down, his hand skirting along Nakoa’s back until he reaches Nakoa’s hands, clasped behind him. “Hold still.”

The ties release after just a second, and when Nakoa pulls them up, he asks, “How the fuck did you get out of them?” The plastic rubbed his wrists raw, even as short as they were on.

He can hear Rem’s grin in his voice when he speaks, though, and his presence makes the dark, unforgiving trcuk a little less foreboding. “You think I leave the motel without a knife?”

Nakoa would laugh, if he could. Instead, he reaches a hand out, trying to find Rem in the dark. “Where—” he says, before he makes contact with Rem’s knee. Relief settles in his stomach, and he reaches out for Rem’s hand, squeezes it. Feels better already when Rem squeezes back.

“You okay?” Nakoa asks. “That looked.” Bad. Terrible. Nakoa sees it no matter where he looks, Rem lying on the asphalt like that.

“Mm.” But his voice sounds far away. “Nakoa.”

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck?”

Nakoa should have known, knows he should have. That he should have said something to Rem, but… “My father’s—” The word tastes bitter on his tongue. “…in imports.”

“Drugs,” Rem says, immediately. “Fucking hell, Nakoa.”

It’s how Nakoa got started. It’s why he kept going with them. Michael’s into more than just weed, though, and therein lies the problem. That Nakoa knows. Michael had beat him, when Nakoa found out, and has since used his strength to his advantage. Try as he might, Nakoa can only throw a punch if he’s catching someone off guard, if they can fight worse than he can.

Michael doesn’t fit the bill, and he’s always carrying.

“I didn’t have a choice!” Nakoa says. “And I thought. Maybe, if I wasn’t there… why would he waste a bunch of bullshit on me? Men, resources.” Why would he follow Nakoa across the country? Nakoa, of all people?

“You stole from him,” Rem says. His voice comes out flat. “Nakoa.”

“You don’t get to play like you wouldn’t have done the same fucking thing,” he says, tone sharp. He pulls back from Rem, smells blood on his hands as he wipes them down his face. “How often have you stolen whiskey?”

“It’s legal! You wanna compare that to coke?”

Exhausted, suddenly, Nakoa says, “I really need you to not fucking judge me. I stopped, okay? He didn’t notice, and even if he had, what was he gonna do?” Michael hates Nakoa; always has. A disappointment, and that isn’t even considering Rem. That’s not considering the fact that Michael knows, and always has, that Nakoa beds men as often as he does women. It’s been like this since Nakoa was born, his father distant for work, and Nakoa eager for his approval and stumbling on his work at thirteen.

“He couldn’t do anything about it then,” Nakoa says. “But now what’s stopping him? His kid went missing. No one’s gonna care if I end up in a ditch.”

“Don’t fucking joke about that.”

Nakoa shuts his mouth, though. Taps his fingers on the metal on the floor. He says, “I should have told you.” He wants to apologize; can’t.

Wishes that he could just… touch Rem. No expectation. Find comfort in his touch.

He holds his hands to himself, and neither of them speak.

Eventually, the van slows to a stop, and doesn’t start again. Rem gets to his feet, says, “I got this.” Nakoa hears the knife unlatching in his hand. “Stay back.”

“Don’t being a knife to a gun fight, you—” Nakoa sighs. “Just—get behind me.”

“I’m not going to let you—”

“He’s my father,” Nakoa says, his voice cracking. “Let me deal with him.” He thinks about clocking Rem on the head again, but if he got knocked out that bad, he might already have a concussion.

Nakoa doesn’t say, “I want you safe.” He doesn’t say that it means more to him that Rem is okay, that Rem can go home. Maybe Rem thinks he’s worthless, but he’s Nakoa’s entire world.

The door slides up, and Nakoa blinks against the blinding light. Rem stands behind him, body heat warming Nakoa’s back. Michael’s behind his men, chatting on the phone, but Nakoa doesn’t move, not until Michael says, his voice almost bored, like he’s not still devising a plan. “Come join me for dinner.”

Nakoa blinks. “Pretty fucking dramatic entrance for dinner.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “You could show a little respect.”

Already disappointing his father, and they’ve been reunited for a matter of minutes. Nakoa holds his gaze and says, “You wanna kill me, go ahead.”

Behind him, he hears Rem make a small, distressed noise. “Nakoa—”

But Nakoa’s tired of living in this hole, in his father’s shadow, too afraid to move beyond Michael and his wants. Too afraid Michael might follow through on his threats.

“Just come. We’ll discuss what I plan to do with you at dinner.” Michael sighs, rubbing his forehead. “I keep forgetting about the carry on.” Nakoa catches his attention shifting to Rem, wishes it wouldn’t. “Hm. Looks like he’s the reason they’re free. Someone remind me we need handcuffs.”

When Nakoa doesn’t go forward, Michael sighs, says, “Someone grab him, please. Leave the other.” He sighs. “And tie him up this time?”

One of the men hauls Nakoa from the truck, by the hair, the shoulder. Nakoa swears, grips at the guy’s wrist and tries to walk with him, can’t. Holds tight and tries to lessen the pressure on his hair, anyway.

He watches as Rem crawls from the truck, eyes wide with fear, brandishing his knife. In comparison to giant men with handguns, he looks like a small, terrified child. Nakoa knows better than to call out his name, so he doesn’t.

His chest aches, and a half-strangled, “Rem—” escapes from his throat, just as the man dragging him pulls him into a building. Before the door shuts, Nakoa catches sight of Rem lashing out, the sound of a gunshot, then… Nothing.

Nakoa finds himself dropped at Michael’s feet, scalp burning, Michael staring down at him with something akin to disinterest. “I wish things could have gone differently for you, Nakoa.”

This is nothing like the Michael Nakoa remembers. This man is… different. Distressingly calm, quiet.

Nakoa prefers him screaming. Calm breeds terror in Nakoa’s chest, and he doesn’t care for the way it burrows in and refuses to leave.

“Up.” It’s not a request. “Dinner.”

Tossing a scowl back at the man who’d dragged him, Nakoa rubs his wrists, follows Michael through the warehouse.. He needs to stay around until he can get back to Rem, anyway. After that… who cares? Michael can do whatever he wants with Nakoa, as long as Rem gets out of this safely.

Michael leads him into another room to a table sitting alone, like one in the movies, covered with a tablecloth, a single lightbulb illuminating the table and nothing more.

With a swallow, Nakoa takes his seat, still rubbing his wrists. Michael sits in the other chair, and, neat as can fucking be, he undoes his napkin and lays it across his lap.

“Nakoa,” Michael says, and now he sounds more like himself, like the Michael Nakoa remembers. “You are a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“So the pleasant, calm druglord, that’s just for your employees. But your son, all bets are off.”

Michael’s gaze is sharp, piercing, and Nakoa wishes he’d kept his mouth shut. “Ungrateful. You know,” he says, already lifting the lid from his dinner, “you really don’t understand the sacrifices I’ve made for you. The resources I’ve wasted finding you.”

As if Nakoa asked for it. As if he gives a shit about whether Michael goes broke. As if he cares, for half a second, what Michael loses. He sits back, crosses his arms. Waits.

“I can see you’re going to be difficult, so let me lay this out for you.” He pops a bite of dinner—steak, because of course it is—into his mouth, and chews. Slow. Nakoa knows the tactic well, terrify them with their own imagination. “You’ll come home with me.”

“Over my—”

“—and we can leave your friend here to fend for himself.”

“Next.”

Eyebrow raised, Michael cuts back into his steak. “I could just as easily kill your friend, you know. He hardly seems like a man someone will miss.” At Nakoa’s expression, Michael laughs. “Don’t tell me you think—” He shakes his head. “You’re a fool, Nakoa.”

Better a fool than a prick, Nakoa thinks, but he doesn’t say so. Michael married a gentle woman, one he can scare into submission, and he thinks Nakoa’s life choices are worth judging. “Next option,” he says, through gritted teeth, staring hard at the table, at the knife marks in the wood. Imagines what it might be like to see those on his skin, instead. If he’d even life through it.

“I could kill the both of you. You’ve already been missing for how long? None of the authorities would think twice about a couple of stupid, runaway queer boys ending up dead. Two of them…” He clicks his tongue. “Well. Is that even a tragedy worth the news cycle?”

And Michael wonders why he ran away. Nakoa lifts his gaze, reluctant, up towards Michael’s face, hates the giddy expression on his father’s face. He’s a bastard, and Nakoa knows he’s always enjoyed his work a little too much, but he’d hoped maybe, underneath it all, there was something that made him human. Now he’s not so sure.

“Easiest way to tie up loose ends, don’t you agree?”

Nakoa wants to tell him to fuck off, but Michael won't hesitate to cut him with the knife on his plate. Never has before. Never hesitates, once he makes his mind up. “Why the holdup?” Nakoa asks, but his voice shakes. “Sounds like you got it all figured out. Why not just kill me now?”

He’s losing his patience, Michael. The joy drains from his expression and he returns to his dinner, almost bored. “Unfortunately, I still think there might be some use in you. I could use you to make an example. I think using you as a living example carries more weight, don’t you?”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

Pointing a fork to Nakoa’s plate, Michael says, “Eat. It’s the last time you’ll get the opportunity in a while.”

“What about Rem?” Nakoa does his best to hold his voice steady, to keep Michael from making any more shitty comments, but it still comes out wrong.

“I think I’ll be doing the world a favor, taking him out.” He reaches for his drink, then sighs. “Nakoa, please. If you don’t eat, I’ll be forced to take other measures.” Like what, Nakoa wonders, but doesn’t ask. Sighing, Michael sets his fork down and says, “Nakoa. It’s in your best interest to work with me.”

“Too fucking bad.”

“I can make your life a living hell, you know.”

“You already did. What can you do to make it worse?”

Michael raises an eyebrow, says, “You think you’re in love with the man outside. Not sure where you got that, but fine, I’ll play along. You’re right in considering yourself worthless, so I understand I can’t use you against yourself.” With a cock of his head, Michael leans back in his seat. “I might be able to use him yet. Suppose I better put in the call to keep him in one piece after all.” He pulls a walkie talkie out of his shirt pocket and switches it on. “Hold my previous order,” Michael says, glaring at Michael. “Plans have changed. We’re going to have a little fun.”

[tumblunni]

The cafe at the hotel + a nice meal WITH TERROR LURKING

I specifically asked for no peas because peas are a problem for me with my autism but OH WELL I GUESS PEAS and i was too embarassed to ask the damn chef to take it back and like..bin everything that touched the peas.

Its so fuckin stupid i feel like such a child

BUT

I know its really fuckin dumb but i feel really accomplished to say this is the first time i have ever finished a plate of peas without throwing up.

Its my fuckin weirdest brain problem, i get really oversensitive to some textures and its the height of extreme embarassment whenever it happens. I wish so fuckin much that it was something i got over when i grew up, it sucks to be a full grown adult and still get an involuntary gag reflex and full on pulse racing panic just from your tongue touching ONE PEA IN A THING. (Also sweetcorn cos its similar in texture)

And all the years of my childhood being told i was 'just being picky' and somehow making up being sick and just getting slapped and given more goddamn peas to train me out of it. Well all that ever accomplished was getting me to panic at the mere sight of the things and have to compulsively pick them out and pick out everything that touched them like man i cant even eat a thing that looks like it was near a pea!!!!

BUT HOLY HELL IVE FINALLY CRACKED IT IVE FINALLY CONQUERED MY STUPIDEST GODDAMN FOE

Not by 'just manning up' and doing it again and again until something changes. No, turns out this entire time i could have just made a really minor change to avoid the cause of the freakout. Cos this is actually the first time ive tried MUSHY PEAS

Yes, the epitome of cliche boring british person food was actually the solution all along???

See it was entirely a texture thing, and when theyre mashed up it just doesnt do anything at all. This is actually my first time even knowing what peas actually taste like! I cant believe my friggin PEA JITTERS were so strong i never even registered one percent of wtf they taste like. They taste like nothing?? Like just..generic vegetable. Slightly vinegary i guess. (Or do they put vinegar in mushy peas?) I still dont like them but i dont hate them either, and more importantly they dont destroy my entire frontal cortex with The Terror Sweats

So i was able to eat all those peas and now i know the secret technique to eat all peas for the rest of time! And it was a super easy thing that my parents could have done for me with minimal effort and saved all that trouble if they just actually listened to me all those years ago. I cant belueve i was so locked into the whole 'its your fault you have to keep trying you cant try doing it another way' mindset that i never simply squashed the pea under my fork and tried to see if it was better...

Though it still wasnt exactly easy, i had to try and eat this stuff while not actually looking at the peas cos itd make my stomach churn just thinking about them. I think i can get past that gut reaction eventually if i keep eating them in Safe Non Anxiety Form and like..rewire my brain to see this as a New Food instead. I dunno. Maybe put food colouring so they arent green?

It sucks that i have to go to such weird lengths to deal with my brainweirds but im just glad to have figured something out so i dont have to embarass myself again.

Most of my other touch-based sensitivities are stuff i can deal with like just not being able to deal with those outer ear headphones puttibg pressure on the back of my head or also hats that are too tight. I think it actually might be part ptsd from how my mum used to pull me by the back of my head. My support workrr touched me on my shoulder near the back of my neck the other day and i had such a spike of panic but i felt too embarassed to tell her about it. Like she was just tapping me to get my attention but its just..just please dont. And aside from that im also working on my big taste sensitivity to mint and bitter stuff. Today i had a lightly bitter green tea boba and i feel so grateful to my buddy for helping me find one tea i can handle! And ive found that i can deal with mint if its mixed with a second thing thats equally as strong. I tried this mint and pepper drink that sounded like itd be awful but it was actually amazing how it cancelles out the mint entirely! So i dunno should i buy some of that novelty spicy chewing gum and chew a stick of that along with the mint stuff? I have a low tolerance for spice but its not like an overstimulation thing its just regular having white guy tastebuds lol. Id much rather have a burning hot tongue than a burning hot brain!

I will slowly but surely find out a way to deal with all of my things!! Even if i cant ever get rid of them i can find a way to live with them, ykno?

Also i need to try and buy a fidget toy, i need to stop being too embarassed about that. My friend i met today is also autistic and she has a chew ring and im like WHOA i wish i could get over my anxiety enough to do that! Chewing on stuff is my biggest damn stim, i would destroy all my pens and pencils and chew bottlecaps so long they ended up as rubber, not to mention how much i wreck my nails and get so many cuts all over my hands whenever i get nervous. But it just seems like chewing on stuff is seem as the most immature type of autism symptom by neurotypical society. so im stuck too ashamed to buy the stuff actually designed to help us and instead i just keep doing it anyway and still embarassing myself but like also with a choking risk. I still remember when i accidentally choked on a coin and my dad spent the entire time i was in the emergency room making fun of me for it and saying i was a burden on the nhs for getting hospitalized and like..taking resources away from real problems. And how i was childish and r-worded and etc etc cant ever survive on your own cant ever be a fully sentient human being

Gahhh this has been a long tangeant but anyway this is why autism awareness and acceptance is good and also why you shouldnt make fun of people who have the 'weird version' of symptoms. Im not choosing to do this, seriously im way more upset by it than you are...

[super-lemon-sama]

I had another super realistic dream-

Just like the dream wife dream, it felt like that was my real life, like I was actually there. 

Sadly this is one of the dreams I don’t remember as well as other but what basically happened was two things. I made friends with this dude and his friends and found out I had a crazy stalker.

the dream will be under the cut and also I made some pictures for it too! ^^

So I was living in this apartment that was basically just one room and a closet ((I mean but I liked it so what'evs i guess. also it was literally just the computer room we had in Oklahoma that I felt was very nice some days and very scary other days.))

there are a couple bits I remember better than others, one that I somehow befriended this guy (who I very specifically thinking in my head in the dream as I was looking at him that His hair was Neapolitan colored and it made me laugh, and so I called him Neapolitan and Neo' from then on.) I don’t remember how we met or what we were talking about before it happened (maybe I was at a party???) but I remember we hadn’t known each other that long but I asked him to walk me home bc I had been getting a creepy feeling all day and he was like "hmmm aight'" 

and I held out my hand and he was like 

"????what???" 

so I dead ass super serious was like 

"You gotta hold my hand, it's a sign of trust in my culture, and is good luck." 

lmaooo I mean in my dream the culture thing was true but I also remember thinking that it would help me tell if he decided to pull out a knife for some reason. ((Like this dude wasn’t even a badie, I was just super suspish of everyone that day))

Anyway we're walking outside in a park or somin and we approach this building. you know how at beaches or public pools they have a building that are like a bathroom for girls and guys but separated by side?

Like this

Well dudes like 

"hey, I need to pee, you okay if we stop for a sec?" 

and I was like 

"hhhhhhhhhdshghjgs yeahiguess." 

obviously only more scared since we left. and he's like 

"look if you're really so worried then just come into the bathroom with me and stand outside the stall, that way I’m right there if something happens and you can look out for trouble for me." 

and so obvi I’m like 

"//gasp// I can’t go in THERE! That’s the boys room!" 

so neos like 

"It's like 12 at night, Literally no one's around to care, you'll be fine. You know unless we aren’t actually alone muahaha" 

and I’m like 

"shuuut your shit up, I’m big scared okay... fine, just hurry up" 

and we walk in

And I’m just realizing now that even though it was the boys room that is literally was just a girls bathroom with just stall and no urinals lmaooo

it looked a lot like this

i remember it very specifically being really dimly lit and the colors were very blue grey, and dark green

i also remember looking down to see if anyone was in one of the stalls but we were in the clear

Anyway as he peed i was getting really nervous and had a daydream thing like I used to get sometimes in Oklahoma where I very vividly imagined something happening. it was of this figure phasing through the wall and running at me really fast

the figure looked like this at first

Its head was covered in this thick tough flesh that made me thing of those rubber masks they make for Halloween, but really thick, once it reached me its face changed into a mans face, but I don’t remember what it looked like, just that he was smiling

I got really scared when I snapped out of it and started hearing a really loud breathing coming from the the stall closest to the exit

as well as this low humming tone that kept getting louder and closer. I saw the latch to the stall start sliding so I screamed to Neapolitan that we need to run right now

and neo busts through the stall I was guarding and grabs my hand and we zoom tf out of that place all the way back to my apartment. like I dead ass was so exhausted that I was actually panting and trying to catch my breath in my dream. like never in my life have I felt like that while in a dream, it was wild.

he was like 

"whoa, that was scare as fuck, what the shit???? Do you like,,,,, want me to stay over tonight and make sure nothing happens?" 

and I'm like 

"KJDFLKADGFALKGFALKDHJ YESPLEASE" 

like sobbing but also dying from running so literally nothing I said was anything close to comprehensible, but he got what I meant.

I only got the pullout couch and offered him to sleep on top while I sleep under it ((it's what I do okay, that's not even my weird ass dream logic thats my real ass what I do irl logic))

 and he was like, 

"nah that's okay you got a pretty comfy chair, i'll just chill in this and keep watch okay?" 

and I like got choked up again bc I was literally so thankful. like even rn even though it was a dream I still feel really thankful???? i just normally never speak to people in my dreams really so it's like more important to me?? Idk

but I remember waking up (in my dream) and seeing him like passed out in the chair arms crossed and it was super funny, but I wake him up and I'm like 

"hey thanks for being so cool man, let me buy you breakfast." 

and he's like 

"Oh man, that sounds great, thanks!"

I vaguely remember that we ate from my apartments like bed and breakfast buffet thing but I don’t remember it that well, but I do remember that some stuff happened after that that had to do with hallways and that going back to my apartment the land lord was standing in front of my door and he was like, 

"hey uhhh, I got some bad news for you..." 

and I'm like 

"uhhhhhhhhh whaaaaat???"

so I remember the landlord sitting in my chair and telling me about how someone broke into my apartment but I wasnt really listening bc there was a storage box on the floor and hanging off of it were a couple of necklaces. ((necklaces I have in real life btw)) but one very specifically that I wore like every day in middle school and the beginning of high school that I had lost not to long after moving into the apartment ((this was true irl and the dream))

the necklace was a thin gold chain with a bunch of miss matched charms on it

I was fixated on it because literally how could it be here right now and why does it look different????

i pick it up and it has a bunch of copper pennies attached to it

it was SCARY vivid, like I was strapped into this dream like it was real life and even my dream self was looking at it like it was crazy real

I remember how the pennies were copper and pretty clean and how they weren’t just added to the ends but mixed into the other charms so whoever did this took the time to take off all the charms and place them back on a certain way with the pennies, I remember the weight of it in my hands when I picked it up and the specific weight at the bottom of the chain from all the pennies and charms

oh man I remember the chinkling sound it made and when i picked it up and I got that panic attack hot cold and nauseous feeling all over. Because I specifically wore that necklace because of the sound it made when I wore it. I liked the clinking sound it made, and who ever took it KNEW THAT

Sometime later im chillin with the dude and his friends, ((it's two other girls)) and I dont remember exactly what we were talking about but this one girl with pokey straight black hair says 

"Oh for sure!" 

confirming that she agreed with some sort of sentiment. she was just a bold person. not loud and obnoxious and not mean. she just had a up front opinion is all, and I thought she was really cool.

oh and we're all chilling on this deck thing but it's like indoors

we got a bunch of books and magazines and stuff

and neo is layin across me, like not in a funky way, but in a chill friend way and everything is chill and he moves closer to my face as he's asking me something and im in the middle of answering him when I get really tense bc I suddenly realize he's really close to my face and that I could totally smooch him if I wanted to. which like I did but I don’t deal with that kinda stuff well so I probably would have just laid there awkwardly not saying anything while I screamed internally until he's like "uhm you okay?" but my alarm woke me up so I'll never know what dream me would have done. Lmaooooo

any stressor like that dead ass makes my head go "brain function .exe has stopped working, please close out and try again later" so maybe that lmaooo

anyway, that was pretty much all I remembered, but just like the dream wife dream it was CRAZY real.

I hope that wasnt to boring to read or to hard to understand! ^^;

[warmau]

Prince!Dino

find the other seventeen members: here

dino is the youngest prince, still not old enough to hold the crown title

which means he isn’t allowed to participate in a lot of political and important events,,,,the most he can do is take pictures beside his parents and the royal court

and ,,,, the time spent waiting to be able to actually have any power had made dino extremely bored

that he sort of became prone to playing harmless tricks on staff or guests, missing out on tutoring lessons about geography to go talk with the gardeners, all in all just forgetting the fact that one day he’d have to take over this country

to the point,,,,,,that dino even enrolled in the public college - shocking his parents and everyone in the country

so,,,,,to put it simply,,,,,he’s a prince that’s trying to live a super regular life

he even asked the bodyguards to leave him alone when he went on campus, refused to wear the suit with his family’s crest on it, and told everyone that they didn’t have to bow when they saw him or do anything of the sort

(but even as hard as he tried to make friends - people still acted like they were on eggshells with him - afterall he was still a prince, no matter how much he tried to tell people to forget that)

his parents are ok with him doing this,,,as long as he quits it immediately when it’s his time to rule

they did tho,,,not let him try and get a part-time job,,,because well for one he’s rich but two they were like school is fine but you can’t go to work without bodyguards 

and he was like wHY not im not gonna gET hurt???? and everyone was like dude,,,,do you not understand your position????

carefree, fun loving, and comfortable - dino really could pass for just a another college boy if the whole country didn’t know he was the prince

likes to dress casual, it takes a lot of convincing from head waiter hoshi to even get dino to put on a tie 

secretly asks the personal cooks to order him cheap takeout and they’re like ???? why, we have all the finest - most expensive

and dino is like “normal people eat mcdonalds. please get me some of those,,,,bigmacs? yes the bigmacs!”

but even though he dresses casual to his classes and stuff they’re still like expensive brands,,,he looks like a damn model,,,

and the only reason anyone wouldnt know dino was a prince, was if they weren’t from his country

which is exactly what you are - a transfer from abroad 

and your first class,,,,just happens to be with dino 

and when you come in, confidently sitting right beside him (because well, the chair is empty)

everyone stares

“am i doing something wrong?”

you lean over to whisper to him and dino almost falls over

your tone,,,,it’s casual - you look at him and you’re not cowering in fear or trying to gain brownie points

it hits dino right away

you don’t know that he’s a prince, of course you don’t know - this is your first day here!

“you’re fine, i think it’s just because you’re new. im dino by the way.”

you shake his hand and someone whispers

‘do they not know touching a royal like that is rude?!?!’

but thankfully you don’t hear it and dino,,,,,,,,,dino wants to keep it that way

so when you get up for a bathroom break he makes an announcement

“no one tell them that im a prince, ok?”

nervous nods pass around the classroom and thats,,,,well that’s how you become friends with a prince

except you have no damn clue he’s a prince

you start hanging out more often, sometimes after class you guys have lunch together on the quad

and the whispers, the pointing, the looking it all confuses you - but dino just tells you to brush it off

“are you like some kind of celebrity?”

you ask him one day and dino gives a coy smile, “no. not at all.”

you and him share a lot of interests, you’re both outgoing and like a little competition - racing to get to class first

comparing your quiz grades

basically acting like kids even though you’re still in college

but you’re so thankful to have someone like him, because you’re new to this country

and dino is like,,,,really really knowledgeable about everything to see and visit here

it only sucks because when you ask if you and him can go together to one of the landmarks, he always makes up some sort of excuse

either way, you come to enjoy his friendship

and you have to admit,,,he’s got quite the charming face

with his defined jaw, soft bangs that fall over his clear skin and those eyes - they’re something like warm chocolate

when you somehow manage to bring up dating though, dino nearly chokes on his drink

“i,,,i wasn’t so outgoing in high school.” he lies, thinking back to the wedding arrangements his parents had tried to put him through but that he’d always somehow get out of

“me either!” you’d laughed and the sound had calmed down dino,,,,actually he was also beginning to realize that a lot of things about you made him feel really

serene

really,,,,,,,,,just normal

but as the semester progressed and dino knew sooner or later someone somewhere would tell you who he was

or maybe you’d catch on to the things that didn’t add up about him

like how other people still stuttered when talking to him

like how you’d mentioned needing a new laptop and the next day a new one had arrived at your dorm with your name on it and a badly written note about how you’d been chosen to win it in a raffle

like how dino could only ever hangout with you on campus - that you didn’t even know if he lived on or off campus

he’d hoped you’d just stay blissfully ignorant about it - for the first time he felt like he was getting to know someone without them closing themselves off because of his high status

and that he,,,,could finally be himself with someone who wouldn’t pre-judge his life

and at some point dino was asking himself

am i falling for this new feeling - the feeling of someone not knowing im a royal or am i falling for this person - this person who understand me?

dino and you were nothing more than friends,,,,and it had been easy to hide it as long as he only talked and hung out with you on campus

but then,,,,,,,,,his parents caught wind of it

apparently hoshi had been the one to spill the beans - he’d seen dino and you coming out of the library

and when dino had seen him, he’d introduced hoshi as just a friend

hoshi had furrowed his eyebrows “princ-” but dino had cut him off just before

when they’d gotten home, hoshi had started to bicker with dino - questions about who you were, you definitely didn’t look like the locals

and dino’s mother had passed by just in the middle of the argument

“you’re a prince, you need to tell us who your friends are so we can protect you if they hurt you-”

“they don’t even know im a prince! it’s not like everyone who talks to me wants to take advantage of me!”

hoshi had stepped back “the- they don’t know you’re a prince?”

dino had seen the look on the queen’s face change, storming off before he could get another earful

he was sure he was in trouble, his parents might not let him go back to the college - afterall they’d been strict about making sure he told them about his ‘friends’

even if he hadn’t been able to make anyone for that exact reason - he was a prince, who wanted to be friends with a prince and have to think about their actions and words every five seconds when hanging out

but ,,,,,, he knew that now - he had to tell you

if anything happened, if his parent refused for him to go back he needed to be the one to tell you

because he owed you that,,,,he owed you the truth if he wasnt going to be around anymore 

so dino called you, as soon as he’d gotten up to his room

“can i see you?”

“right now? it’s like 10pm and -”

but you could feel dino’s voice shaking, whatever he needed you for must have been urgent

“you konw what, ok. let’s meet behind the library.”

a couple of minutes later, when hoshi got the door open - dino was gone

he wasn’t wearing his usual stylish outfit, this time dino was in a hoodie that looked like it had seen some wear

his usual bright eyes had dulled, and not because of the darkness of the night

“what’s going on?”

“there,,,,,there’s been things ive been hiding from you.”

you looked at him, but instead of the confusion dino expected he could something closer to saddness

“are you going to finally tell me it,,,,,,,tell me the reason people stare at us when we’re together. tell me the reason how i won a laptop from a raffle i didn’t enter.”

dino could feel his mouth open in shock, you - you knew?

“wait, so you -”

“dino, i might not be from this country but ive seen the news. i knew the day after we met.”

taking his hands out of his pockets, dino couldn’t process it

“then,,,then why did you keep treating me -”

“like my friend? because you’re my friend. you could be the prince of every country in the world, and that wouldn’t change our friendship.”

for some reason, even though dino was so relieved you’d known and weren’t,,,,weren’t mad at him

the word friend, it began to sting a little

“ just friends?”

he mumbled beneath his breath and you felt the chilly night breeze sweep over your heated cheeks

“i mean,,,,,liking a prince - i think i’d be foolish to believe i could ever date you.”

“well, you’re lucky because im a pretty foolish prince myself.”

he laughed, lifting his hand up to your cheek before kissing you ever so gently

you let your eyes flutter shut, half of your heart going crazy with happiness about dino feeling the same way - the other going crazy over the fact that you were kissing the prince of the country you know lived in

when you came apart, dino was grinning - it looked so silly and boyish you wouldn’t have been able to tell that in a couple of years he’d have power over the people here

that he was going to rule a country one day

he just looked like a college boy in love

and you were also in love

and when dino wanted to kiss you again he had to stop because

“oh ,,,,,,, i think i should go back because my parents might launch like an entire investigation if they find out im gone.”

you scrunch up your nose “can’t be a foolish prince and a runaway prince too.”

dino laughs, but no like seriously hoshi might have a heartattack if he doesn’t get back LOL