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yelling-space · 3 months

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Children of light/darkness

it wouldn't let me change the txt 2 black so enkis pink cuz i hate him

Couldnt stop thinking about that one stupid throw away line in fagcats monologuing so i decided to apply it to the rest of the gang becuse i can 4 context i'm going to assume the ratio of children of light:darkness is similar to that a 1:45 type thing. (includes a few hcs.)

— "Living humans are divided into two groups, yes? There are children of light. Those destined to walk under the bright sun. Those people do well in all hardships of life. They have dear humans who they want to return to. Even in the darkest hour, they can feel the warmth of their loved ones in their heart and gain extra courage from that.” - Pocketcat

Obviously The Girl is a child of light since it’s stated in-game by the New Gods. A pure child, a blank slate birthed from the darkest pits of human creation. The literal embodiment of fear and hunger, a small light shrouded in darkness without even a glimmer of hope. A child who's been robbed of love;the first kind gesture she ever received was being freed from a cage by a man who smiled at her like she wasn't a horrific monster. Yet despite all her hesitation she slowly finds herself gaining comfort in his presence, enough to scrounge a little closer and find herself enjoying the sound his voice,a man that never stop talking even tho she doesn't speak back, doesn't quite understand why he shares his food with her yet gobbles it down before he can try taking it back the second she realises its safe to eat. And then he gifts her the doll. And she's not really sure what to do or what all these overwhelming feelings inside are but the raggedy thing never leaves her side as she trails him like a moth to flame.

Cahara's a child of light, he burns slow and soft. A little flicker of light in the darkness that'll last in the wind because it has the fuel to keep going and can light up other people. He’s a people person, a social butterfly who people are drawn to and ends up making connections wherever he goes. Despite everything he's been through and all the horrors and harsh realities of life he's faced, he's still able to find joy and a love for life. Quite literally one the only thing holding the group together and reason half these people even start to tolerate each other.

“Hooo~ you do? This is the most surprising! I feel like so many people lose the sight of happiness once they grow out of their naive little views of the world they had as younglings. But perhaps it is possible to feel like that, even as someone as old as you.” - Pocketcat

Ragnvaldr’s a child light. He burns bright and fast like a strip of magnesium, his light comes in bursts. Rage comes as quick as it goes and isn't a reliable source of fuel but shines so bright when it burns it almost hurts to witness.

His light’s too hot to get close to when he's burning, and therefore it doesn't get 'shared' before it's gone unlike Cahara’s who serves to light others over coaxing his own flame. Yet despite losing his family he still carries the love his people held for him in his heart, letting it fuel his fire even though he knows he'll never be able to return to them. Yet despite losing his family, Ragnvaldr still carries their memories alive in his heart and never loses sight of the happiness that was robbed from him so instead he keeps their spirits close while he seeks vengeance.

It's for that same reason The Girl and Ragnvaldr are both attracted to and seek out light despite being lights of their own. They both require others to fuel their flame and keep them afloat vs someone whose light is soft and nurturing more like Cahara’s, whose light draws others towards him. Is bright enough to warm your hands in the midst of a cold winter’s storm yet too weak to spark the light of rebellion and bring about change in the world.

“In the opposite end of the spectrum, there are children of darkness. Those humans are often driven to depression and sorrow because of life's peculiar ways.But they have learned how to live with those feelings. In fact, they have grown to love the ever-pressing darkness within. Those humans are able to draw energy from darkness, they are not dependent on other people. They only need darkness, their old friend.So, humans of light and darkness... Which one are you?” - Pocketcat

It's how D'arce can be born with a silver spoon in her mouth and want for nothing as she gets older, pursuing what she thinks is her dream, leaving behind her luxurious life and continuing to strive higher and higher for her 'goals' – only to constantly be miserable despite it all. No matter what she gains or what she gives up, just never being satisfied, feeling like she's stagnating and making nothing herself despite all the accolades and medals and milestones she's achieved.

It's the same reason Enki can be born in darkness, wanting nothing more then the endless pursuit of knowledge – forced to eat his younger siblings, forced to claw his way out of a well, forced to eat bugs in order to survive, forced to backstab his twin sister, only ever finding twisted satisfaction in a rare moment of joy when he burns his family and the place he once called home into ash – feels so comfortable drowned in misery.

They’re both on completely different ends the moral and social spectrum, yet they both closed off their hearts to the world and poured themselves into their own goals. A way to close off their feelings and shut away from the rest of the world. They both just sorta look at Cahara and Ragnvaldr smiling, laughing and simply ,,,,enjoying existing in each other's company. And they just kinda stare in disbelief at this light in front of them, almost unable to actually believe what they're actually seeing, let alone comprehend how they're even able to exist so freely in a place like this. It doesn't make sense. They're all trapped in this horrific hellscape of a dungeon with strangers they've never met, barely surviving the passing hours with their mess of skill sets and feeble attempts to hold onto whatever draining sense of morality and justice they had before coming down here. And yet these two are smiling and cracking jokes. Talking like they'd been friends for years even though they barely know each other. they just seem so ,,, so,,, bright. no matter how much Enki and D’arce become familiar with the sight, they feel like they're intruding on something; they shouldn't be allowed to see this.

It's something they've already come to terms within their own lives, after all. It's a feeling people like them don't need. They don't deserve it. Yet. something about the sight is just so warm and comforting they can’t quite bring themselves to tear their eyes from it.

“Since you were a child of darkness, I imagine you agree when I say that we don't get the luxury of happiness.We only know brief joy every now and then, but even that is getting more rare every day.” - Pocketcat

Considering how both Enki and Ragnvaldr kinda blur the line a bit when it comes to their actions and motives; how Ragnvaldr can be argued to go 'darker' while enki goes 'lighter' despite their soul compositions (in my amazing awful timeline of events at least.)

It’s how D'arce, a knight of one the most prestigious and well respected groups in the kingdom, borne of nobility, who grew up comfortably, never having to scrape by is constantly shaped in misery and loneliness, can never truly happy no matter how high she climbs in the world vs Cahara having known nothing but constant suffering and struggles, is still able to be happy and smile with people he cares for and find people that love him despite their line of work or less than fortunate situation. He's able to befriend people in every corner of the world he travels to; there's people who care for him and want to be around him. Even though he's experienced the hardship of life first hand he's still able to look at the world with just so much love for life and she just doesn't get how. D’arce just mystified by watching the fact that two men she knows, born into poverty or into nothing at all, scraping by, living minimal, nomadic, no stable environment or home - for Cahara, nobody to call his own until adulthood - just completely shocked by the fact that they can both smile, joke and seem to be just. happy. content with what they've managed to make for themselves.

And it's not as if D'arce hasnt made anything of herself; she’s clearly put in a lot of effort to get to where she is even if she came from an advantageous background, she had family, she had friends (singular, Le'garde, so maybe ok not even 1 friend but shhh),,, has no idea what she did wrong or what she's doing wrong to continue being so miserable in life.

They all have blood on their hands but she’s yet to realise the cause of it is what makes them different from each other.

Doesn't get how Cahara can sit there and joke about the other ways he made cash to get by when he was younger with a smile on his face. Or how Ragnvalder can sit there and laugh at Cahara horrible jokes after losing everything he’s ever held dear. The way they can chatter on about nothing for hours at a time or talk about their partners with just so much love in their voices knowing they'll probably never see them again. (Maybe even wondering if someone will ever talk about her like that with just so much shear adoration in their voice and this ‘swept off their feet’ look in their eyes, but also i can see that not even crossing her mind at the same time )

Enki and D’arce just sat there a lil bewildered watching the first people they've ever seen be genuinely happy in their lives even though they have almost nothing to their name, have lost everything and yet they can still smile and laugh with each other in a place like this???

They are just so confused by rag&cahara’s chemistry because they themselves don't know how to utilise humour and light-heartedness as ways to cope with the tragedy in their lives, having chosen to instead turn their focuses outward. For example, enlightenment and study & knighthood and an entire other persona, as a way to distract themselves from the struggles in their lives and unintentionally bring the focus away from their internal darkness.

It's also interesting to observe the parallels of duos such as Enki&Cahara and D'arce&Rag to, since Cahara serves to kind of draw people out of their shells and show them light, while Ragnvaldr's light could be seen as something turned into heat and ignite the spark of retribution and spur on the need to go on. While it doesn't make D'arce and Ragnvaldr very close, I can see how it would maybe inspire something in her and propel her forward in times of discouragement. (Whether that's out of admiration for rags ability to be able to still go on after everything thats happend or if it’s from the desire to find Le’gard before Rag fucking gets him☠️is up to you.)

Cahara’s used to sneaking around even though he's very bright, and so resorts to coaxing and persuasion, whereas Ragnvaldr is very obviously used to being a leader figure and just kind of 'shines' on people. I'm not sure how well those methods obviously work on people like Enki and D'arce (lowkey think they might be more beneficial if they swapped, but that's just makes the fact i tend to default to enki&cahara + d’arce&rag funnier), but the fact that they're watching it happen at all is so rare for them let alone the horrifying moment that occurs for the two of them when they realise they actually enjoying having these idiots around (each other included).

(This awful epiphany mainly applies to Enki. He’d rather be sacrificed again then admit he cares for any of these idiots, nevermind Cahara specifically. I don't think it really hits D’arce until they’re out of the dungeon if they make it and she doesn't have their company anymore.)

After all, the world was cruel to them so they became cruel back. That probably affects the way they’d view/interact with Cahara/Rag. Enki especially would have a hard time trying to grasp how they are both able to be so,,,happy,, after going through so much, considering the fact he also went through hell and thus chose to close his heart to the world. Yet here he is, watching these two men who have come from nothing and lost everything who have been nothing but repeatedly wronged by life, talk about how beautiful it is and he just. Doesn't. Get. It. He went through abandonment, being pit against his own sibling to see who deserved to still breath in their parents eyes. He had to resort to more than questionable things in order to survive, he stabbed his own sister in the back and burnt his parents alive after crawling out the pit they tried to bury him in. Hell, he had to eat his own siblings/bugs for crying out loud. and the way he went about it makes sense to him. He's protecting himself. He's putting his interests into unemotional things that can't lash out and hurt him again - things that he can safely invest time and effort into, knowing it will fulfil him in some way, without the pressure of it having to impress someone or be worthy enough to try to seek praise from those around him. It's totally protective, wanting to keep himself from that same hurt, wanting to become powerful and knowledgeable enough to keep himself from being hurt ever again. Right?

It's almost a childish but at the same time totally jaded, adult-ified view of what he probably wanted as a child. Bitter and spiteful since all the while, and hell even his necro tendencies probably have something to do with wanting to be in control of and listened to by something for once in his life.

He most likely also shares a lot of The Girl's wonder in the fact that, despite all the awful shit that's happened and the terrible place they're in now, Cahara and Ragnvaldr are taking a good damn while to break under the darkness that's trying to eat them alive. And even if it's terrible how it manifests, could even argue that Ragnvaldr hallucinating his wife is him retreating back to a better time full of light to cope, similar to Cahara constantly going "oh, this is how i used to gain money, its nothing new lol” when Enki tries to beat around the bush and ask if Cahara’s even okay with,,,, this and just ends up being an answer he's not really sure how he feels about.

Enki: how do you do that Cahara: do what ? Enki: just,,, exist, and seem happy about it Cahara: well, existing is quite a beautiful thing, wouldn't you agree ? Enki: Cahara internally: [he doesn't know that finding worth in life is pointless] vs

D'arce: how do you do that Ragnvaldr: do what? D'arce: keep going onward despite the weight of everything youve lost Ragnvaldr: i've been freed of the binds that kept me from avenging them, that's how D'arce: Ragnvaldr internally: [she doesn't know that weight will stay forever]

ldk why but I really like the idea of them all having similar views but completely opposite interpretations of something. They're all looking at the exact same sunset but seeing something entirely different, both affected by their light and darkness alignments but also just their individual life experiences that shaped their world views.

I can't find it rn but also there's some dialogue from Nosramus about seeing him in the dark; if you’re playing as Cahara/Ragnvaldr, it's a simple “oh your the person from ealier”. but if you’re playing as D’arce/Enki; the response is “the one creeping around in the shadow ealier” witch makes me giggle cuz ofc those 2 be finding comfort in the shadows and scrurrying around like rats in it

“Hooo~! Very good, very good. I love honest words, even when they hurt me. I say that now... But I'm probably going to feel really awful later on. But don't you worry about that. Really. I have grown to love this feeling of being rejected.”

-Pocketcat

Bonus Daan mention :

Daan’s a child darkness both in how it paroles the girl as children destined for greatness by the gods + both more attracted to “Light”(eg elise & cahara both children light & attract others 2 them) like moths 2 a flame then actually attract people to him

Being a child of darknesses also link him 2 fagcat + part the reason pocketcats so interested in the fact “someone like him” was chosen by the gods(much 2 daans dismay)

hes is literally drowning in misery. Thinks of his life as a curse he's forced 2 live threw with the thought things could be different/better ever crossing his mind

Much like d’arce &enki never rly know the feeling of being loved & wanted baring teh short time he was with his wife (rip elies)

He has never known a peaceful happy day, mans just straight up NOT ALLOWED nice things & those he has get ripped away from him in the cruellest ways possible & having said lost thing repeatedly rubbed in his face (eg dead wife ,her coming back as stitches + fagcat never letting him know peace )

#fear and hunger #this is kinda old now but i refuse 2 edit it cuz it means i actually have 2 re-read it 2 see what i wrote #no i didn't proff read this as u can tell ur welcome #just realised there's no yellow either si just pretend girl and legard are yellow #there all just stuipd little duos in duos who are constaly paralleling each other it so funny i hate them all #cahara #ragnvaldr #funger #fear and hunger termina #daan #nosramus #d'arce #enki #fagcat #sorry i mean pocketcat #pocketcat #rambles

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mueritos · 9 months

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Hey! Asking about your experience with being punk/punk adjacent and also in academia. How do you handle the two? Punk action and activism is grassroots, which I try to be involved in, but I feel like I’m just speaking big words and writing into an echo-chamber about gender. Like the only good I do is explaining to a group of cis people terminology. What are your experiences on this, if you have any?

Hmm. Yea this was difficult for me to balance too. I'll insert a readmore cuz this got kinda long.

I enjoy academia and research and being able to have more advanced conversations with people, but I was also sick of being in classes or circles of people who I knew would speak "woke" for the sheer fact of looking like good people, but on the down low were incredibly racist, classist, queerphobic, and just down right nasty carceral people. It was difficult trying to sift through who was safe to open up to and who wasn't, because many people were actually liberals in disguise (even if they called themselves leftists or leftist aligned). I also was never shy about being an anarchist/punk, I was the only person who wore my spiked jackets and boots to class, my outfits were loud, but I also began seeing some other queer people I knew wear their own jackets because they were encouraged by me (so that was nice).

I was doing activism on campus while in undergrad alongside the usual academic theory/research stuff, and it turns out that people actually will hate your guts the moment you start pointing out problems. The usual "YOU become the problem the second you point out THE problems", so I faced a lot of social backlash, even from other marginalized people who I had confided in about problems. My advice is that unless you're willing to become one of the most hated people on campus, don't do your activism on campus. It's a surefire way of making enemies, even enemies in people you have never met in your life. There are plenty of local orgs, food banks, and churches with programming that you could be way more productive in than trying to combat institutionalized oppression like that of an academic institution. You can try, believe me because I did, and while I learned a lot about organizing, I also learned when to give up and focus on my community instead of changing systems.

You pointed out that you're getting sick of explaining to cis people. This is definitely something you can stop doing, if you'd like. I stopped giving up my labor to educate other people (within reason) because I was one of the few trans people on campus. But I also have this value that I am not about to let some person walk around with the wrong idea about marginalized communities, so I always speak up when people say incorrect things (this has also caused some yt people to avoid me lol). Of course, you do this with compassion and with the goal of making sure their future interactions with marginalized people go better, but after a certain point, you need to be able to hold your energy for where you want to put it. Put more pressure on your institution or adjacent orgs to have things like safezone training (or bring in queer orgs for trainings/lectures). You can also just tell people some websites to check out instead of answering their questions, because surprise to them, their questions can in fact be solved by a simple search, they just are far too lazy to do that.

I dunno tho. I still struggle with growing so much in terms of punk/anarchist theory and ideas, but i have a serious lacking in actual community organizing. I'm introverted, don't like big noisy crowds, and I am quite socially anxious. Being punk is like my armor in a world that doesn't like me, because I find people fuck with me less when Im in spikes and boots. I find theory and academia so fulfilling for my virgo brain, but I also don't shame myself for not being active in local community. I know there will be a time I will be, but I also know that everyone is helping in the movement in the ways they can. It doesn't matter if that is at the food bank, in protest, on the computer, or by reading theory. All of it is equally important, and some of us aren't going to be good at everything.

I found myself feeling far more productive and alive when I was working with communities I knew would keep me safe. Started surrounding myself with more BIPOC queer people who were also working against carceral thinking, and I found my life to be way more enjoyable. connecting authentically with people who you feel safe with is just as important as organizing or protesting. You can organize or protest, but if you don't have a community to turn to, you'll burn out and won't be able to sustainably stay in the movement. Focus on energies, peoples, and love, connect authentically and have difficult conversations about love and politics and theory. You can be an academic, but still maintain the punk values you love in your daily life. Humans are made of contradicting values and experiences, we shouldn't shame each other for that and instead hold the multiple and contradicting truths in us all.

I can go on and on, but ill leave it at that. feel free to ask anything else in specific tho.

#muertoresponds #punk #ig another tip is connect with professors #many of my proffs were literally communists haha and i was their token anarchist #but many of them will have experience and even places for u to go to #ive been invited to many local organizings or dinners with groups by professors #never was able to go becuz of time and cuz i couldnt drive #but these are people with lived experience and theory on their belt

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