#REALLY gonna be ia!!! for a month maybe or more

[cattosleep]

A doodle before I vanish once again

[scmg11]

KATE BISHOP x READER

JEALOUSY

A/N: HELLO HELLO HELLO! How are you guys? I hope you're having a good day/afternoon/night!

Here's a bit longer chapter to make up my absence these weeks! ❤️

As always let me know what you think! 🤓❤️

Sending so so much love ❤️

-

Summary: Y/N and Kate are on a mission, but the archer is not so fond of a particular part of their plan. Her jealousy leads them to confess their feelings and smut ensues.

Warnings: smut.

Word count: 15103 words.

-

Y/N was in the middle of drinking some needed water after her intense workout when a body suddenly crushed onto her back, making her stumble a little and spilling water on herself. "Oh c’mon!"

"Hello to you too Y/N/N. I missed you too." The black haired girl giggled softly as she got back on her feet after disentangling her legs she previously circled around the Y/H/C girl’s waist to prevent herself to fall on the ground and watched as Y/N hastily tried to dry her sport bra and stomach from the water that spilled out of her bottle of water when she crashed into her body.

"Kamala I love you, but next time warn me."

"It wouldn’t be a surprise then Y/N." A deep Russian accent reached her ears and the two girls turned around to watch Yelena enter the gym, followed by America and Kate.

"I hate surprises." Y/N sighed out as she gave up in trying to dry up her sport bra and threw her towel on the bench beside her.

"We know." Kamala, Yelena, Kate and America spoke up at the same time with sly smirks on their faces before throwing themselves at Y/N and hugging her tightly.

"Hm, I missed you girls so much this past few weeks."

"How was the mission?" Kamala asked excitedly after they pulled away from the hug, the four of them starting their journey towards Y/N’s room where they will spend their weekly Thursday night with pizza and games.

"Boring for the most part. But let me tell you Leo taught me how to control electronic things with just a phone. It was hilarious watching Jemma and Daisy go crazy with the coffee machine and the oven."

-

"Miss Y/L/N, Coulson requested your presence in the conference room in 10 minutes."

"Okay, I’ll be there. Thank you Friday." Y/N answered as she finished typing away a few things on her laptop, before the IA spoke again.

"He also requested Miss Bishop’s presence."

Kate looked up from the TV and stopped her game to stare up at the ceiling like she actually could spot the bodiless voice, "mine too?"

"Correct Miss Bishop. Miss Khan, Miss Belova and Miss Chavez are already there."

The two best friends stared at one another in confusion before shrugging their shoulders and sitting up, closing their devices and walking out of Y/N’s room towards the elevator. "What do you think this is about?"

"I don’t know, maybe some team briefing? Coulson likes to show us things on the new sophisticated board Fitz built for him." Y/N chuckled at her own response alongside the blue eyed girl, who nodded in agreement.

"Ah girls, you’re here. Let’s start." Coulson tapped on the board in front of him and a few secretive files of a drug and illegal weapons dealer appeared on the screen, alongside with an art collector and a fugitive criminal, "Y/N I know you got back from your mission in Florence just a week ago, but we finally have a lead on this case Daisy is working on for months now."

"Really? She made it?" Y/N asked in amazement as a lot of details regarding those criminals, their actual positions, bank accounts and a few more informations appeared on the screen, amazed that Daisy did all of that all by herself and actually found a solid lead after she complained during their mission she had been stuck for a few weeks.

"Yes, she is now in Portland with Simmons delivering everything you brought from Florence to our research department. So I want you guys to take part on this operation."

"What are we gonna do?" Yelena spoke first, her work tone on as she eyed as much details as she could.

"We know these criminals are going to meet in Amsterdam in three days. They are going to sort out their plan to start collaborating on selling illegal stuff. Each one of them has four bodyguards alongside them, that’s why we need you guys there, and a security team watching over the vault the meeting is gonna take place in."

"Okay, how do we get there? I’m sure they will have a security system that will be impossible to bypass without the right equipment." Kate butted in, zooming in on the vault and examining the picture closely, her knowledge about all that stuff thanks to Bishop Security.

"You’re right. You can’t get in without 4 magnetic cards that has to be inserted in the lock at the same time."

"Dramatic." Yelena commented as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, causing Kamala and America to snort in agreement.

"So how do we duplicate them?" Kamala asked curiosity, furrowing her eyebrows in question.

"We can’t. They were build uniquely for that lock and they can’t be duplicated, so we need to steal them, well- you will. These criminals chose 4 girls to give them these cards and to protect them until their meeting."

"Why I think this is the easy part?" America joked to lighten up the mood, watching Coulson roll his eyes good-naturedly when the four other girls giggled with frantic nods.

"You’re leaving tonight. Keep an eye on those girls and when it’s time, take those cards and stop those criminals."

The five girls nodded resolutely before walking out of the room to start packing up for their mission.

-

"Uh nice. This place is huge." Yelena spoke in a deep Russian accent as she parked in front of the hotel they were staying at, eyeing the valet opening her door and smiling brightly at her, a gesture that she obviously didn’t reciprocate with the deep frown present on her face.

"Smile El, he just wants to park our car."

"I don’t trust him." Yelena murmured under her breath before sighing gently and hid her Russian accent with a great American accent as she spoke once again, her words now directed to the valet, "thank you-" she trailed off as she squinted her eyes on the name written on the name tag, "John."

"Hi! We have a reservation for Anderson." Kamala walked over the front desk and smiled politely at the receptionist as he handed them two keys. "Uhm, there should be a reservation for a master suite for 5 people."

"Oh yes, we’re sorry but that master suite was already booked. It was a mistake from our computers, but we promptly notified you through an email. In return we’re giving you two junior suites."

Kamala turned around with a puzzled expression and asked with a forced smile through her teeth, "guys, who was supposed to take care of any sort of email?"

"America." Y/N, Kate and Yelena mouthed simultaneously before speaking up together, saying America’s fake name for this mission, "Claire."

"I am truly sorry. I got caught up with work and I didn’t check my emails."

"We’re supposed to be on vacation Claire." Y/N reprimanded as she watched plain remorse on America’s face.

"It’s fine. We can still have fun with two bedrooms." Kamala quickly grabbed the keys and ushered everyone towards the elevator. "Okay, minor inconvenient but we can continue with our vacation."

To their relief the two suites were near each other, only another room separating their bedrooms. "Guys this suite has 3 master bedrooms, so we just need to decide how to split up."

They settled on just doing rock, paper, scissor. Surprisingly the game lasted only one round. Kamala, Yelena and America chose rock while Y/N and Kate chose scissor. Kamala handed Kate the key to their room and they split up, agreeing to meet in Yelena’s, Kamala’s and America’s room an hour later to start planning their next move for their mission.

"I don’t know about you, but I’m so happy to share the room with you. Kamala and America always leave the room a mess and Yelena snores so fucking loud you can hear her from another country." Y/N declared after the two of them searched around the room to be sure there weren’t any bugs or listening devices, slumping on the bed and sighing out at the comfy mattress.

"Same. Even tho Yelena’s snoring problem is getting better, I still can’t stand it. I love that girl but man, snoring might be the worst noise in the world." Kate mimicked Y/N’s gesture and laid beside her, staring up at the ceiling while soaking up in the relaxing time they have before getting to work.

"Ugh, tell me about it. So Bishop, if you snore, you’re sleeping in the hallway." Y/N teased with a sly smirk, turning her head around to point a warning finger at the archer.

"Pftt, it’s more likely that you will sleep in the lobby if you snore. Don’t test my patience Y/L/N or I’m kicking your ass in our next sparring session." Y/N snorted loudly when Kate pushed on her shoulder and scoffed indignantly. The archer poked the agent’s side a few times before crossing her hands on her stomach.

"So you’re implying you’re downplaying your combat skills while we spar?"

"Of course, so the match is more even." Kate shrugged nonchalantly as a big, smug grin took over her previous serious features.

"Oh Bishop, wait till we get back in the compound." Y/N stared at Kate with a fierce look in her Y/E/C irises, squinting her eyes menacingly at the black haired beauty and grunting under her breath.

Kate held her gaze a few more seconds before both bursted laughing and shook their heads at their playful banter. "Do you think those three already destroyed that suite?"

"Of course they did. I am surprised nothing exploded yet."

-

"Okay, our 4 targets are attending a party into a night club later tonight, so we need to go there, infiltrate, lay low for a bit before retrieving those magnetic cards without being noticed." Y/N recapped as she laid with her hands on the huge table in the middle of Yelena’s, America’s and Kamala’s room, where a few mission details and top secret files were scattered around.

"Since the place is huge, three of us need to always monitor all our exits, then someone who helps the designated one who has to distract our targets and to retrieve those magnetic cards by casually passing by them and quickly slipping each card from them." Yelena instructed some more, grabbing a few layouts of the club and crossing each exit alongside a few other things like the bathrooms and the bar.

"Okay, who will distract our targets?" America asked pertinently, typing away something on the laptop open in front of her to gather some more informations about the club they had to go later that night.

"Since no one is offering- I prepared a bucked with our names in it. Each one of us pick a piece of paper and the name that will be the most picked will distract our targets." Yelena pulled out a black bucket out of nowhere and place it gingerly on the center of the table. "C’mon, don’t be shy!"

Then each one of the girls gathered around the table picked a folded piece of paper, opened it gingerly and silently read the name written on it. "Mine says Kamala." America spoke up first, showing the name for everyone to read before waiting patiently to someone to inform who they picked.

"America." Kamala spoke up right after and mimicking America’s gesture. The brunette latina shrugged her shoulders before perching over the table to high five the black haired girl enthusiastically.

"Oh look at that, mine says Yelena." The blonde snorted in amusement as she placed the paper on the table and regarded Kate and Y/N with a questioning gaze.

"Y/N." Kate butted in quickly, then regarded Y/N with a curious look.

The Y/H/C girl sighed out loud, stared at the name written on the piece of paper a few more instants before turning it around and showing it to her teammates and best friends, "Y/N."

"Great, so Y/N you will distract our targets enough to slip those cards from them. I’ve seen you doing it a couple of times and I’m glad you’re the one doing it again because you’re the best one among us."

"Thanks." Y/N smiled sheepishly at the Russian blonde and watched her nod in acknowledgement before looking over her notes about the mission.

"I will start a more accurate research about our targets at the club. We need as much informations as possible."

"Okay, we will cover the second part of the plan that will take place at 3 in the morning." Kate nodded at Yelena as she helped America find the layouts of the building the meeting was going to take place in to be prepared for everything tonight.

-

"Look at you Y/L/N." Y/N jumped a bit in surprise at the sudden voice appearing behind her, too focused on adjusting her white tee in the mirror to notice Yelena entering the living room. She just got ready for their busy night and as soon as she was done, she walked back into her teammates’ room to hurry them up, America opening the door and rushing away to go put her shoes on. Y/N got herself busy by tidying the table up and hide everything they had for their mission to prevent anyone from the hotel look at the secret files, before walking towards the mirror hung on the wall and fixing up her appearance, consisting in black, ripped jeans, white t-shirt, combat boots and a leather jacket.

"Hey El. You look good." Y/N took in the oversized blue jeans and the crop top the Russian had on, her blonde hair styled in a messy updo and her makeup simple but bold enough to highlight her green eyes.

"Those targets are gonna fall to your knees tonight, damn." Yelena spoke up after she heard a soft knock on the door and walked over it to open it and let the black haired archer clad in a dark grey suit with a black t-shirt under and black combat boots, her hair flowing down her shoulders perfectly as a simple makeup adorned her wonderful features. Yelena let out a loud whistle as she took the girl in, smirking inwardly when she side-eyed Y/N and watched her almost drool at Kate’s appearance.

"What do you mean?" Y/N finally found her voice after she lost completely all her abilities to function properly when she was in the presence of the breathtaking sight that was Kate Bishop. She just hoped the archer didn’t notice her ogling at her hungrily. Little did she know the archer was too busy devouring her appearance with her eyes while imperceptibly biting on her bottom lip to realize it.

"After an accurate research, I found out these girls’ Instagram. They are just broke college students who probably needed some extra money." Yelena explained after she closed the door, happy that in that moment America and Kamala decided to join them so she won’t repeat the plan of action. "That’s why they found themselves in ‘business’ with those criminals."

"They probably don’t even know those assholes are criminals." Kate butted in pensively, leaning her shoulder on a wall and crossing her arms.

"Probably." America joined in the conversation as she sat on the chair beside the table, while Kamala took a seat on the couch on the far left of the room.

"Anyway, after stalking their Instagram accounts I found out two of them are gay and the other two are bi. They all study psychology in university, but from their followers they don’t know each other."

"Okay so? What does them being gay or bi has to do with me distracting them while I secretly take those cards from them?" Y/N asked matter of factly, not really following Yelena’s train of thoughts.

"It‘s important because it will be easier when you’ll have to seduce them." Yelena declared nonchalantly, like she didn’t just drop a bomb on Y/N, America, Kate and Kamala, all of them staring at the former Black Widow in slight shock with their eyes widened just a tad and their mouths mildly parted open.

"I’m sorry, what?"

"I know you perfected your stealing methods over the years making them excellent, but you know, just like everyone here, that if she catches you, you’re screwed. You need to have an excuse to touch them, therefore you seducing them."

"You really thought thoroughly about it." Y/N admitted in a murmured tone after a few seconds of silence, still thinking over Yelena’s explanation and not finding something to argue it with.

"Of course, we’re professional. It’s not our first time seducing someone to gain something for our mission." Yelena shrugged and eyed Y/N knowingly, both remembering their mission in Valencia a few months prior.

"Mh- it’s my first time actually." Kamala lifted her hand up sheepishly and sighed out in relief when America and Kate agreed with her right after her statement.

"Well luckily, it will be Y/N who will seduce those girls. Trust me, she is good. A few months ago we went on a mission together in Valencia. We planned at least 3 hours in a bar downtown to spot our target and find ways to seduce her to gain some informations. An hour later we walked out of that bar with more informations we initially planned. That woman spilled everything in the span of like 10 minutes as Y/N worked her magic with her mouth and fingers." Yelena recounted that funny memory as she walked towards Y/N and circled her shoulders in a side hug, laughing heartily while patting her on her clavicle.

"Okay, you made it sound so dirty. I just fondled her and kissed her a few times." Y/N shrugged her shoulders as she giggled at Yelena’s mimicking kissing sounds. Kate stayed uncharacteristically silent as America and Kamala asked more about that mission, fixating her hard stare on the wall in front of her as she clenched her jaw heavily, jealousy boiling almost derisively in her stomach as she tried to push away the images of Y/N groping some random girl.

"Kate?" The archer was pushed out of her mind when a soft hand leaned on her left shoulder and made her rip her eyes away from the wall, thinking she almost blow a hole in the white plaster from how intensely she was staring at it, and met a pair of comforting, warm Y/E/C irises.

"Mh?"

"We’re ready to go. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. I was just- meditating. It helps focusing on the mission." Kate patted herself on the back for making up a believable excuse for her strange behavior and smiled gently at Y/N.

Y/N grinned back at her and nodded, "do you have everything with you?"

"Yep, my collapsible bow is in my left shoe and the rest is in my purse."

"Okay, let’s go party!" Kamala enthusiastically pushed everyone out of the room before letting out a loud, excited ‘woohoo’ and making everyone else laugh and getting infected by the girl’s contagious excitement.

-

"Remember girls, we’re professionals. We stay focused on the mission. No distractions." Yelena screamed over the loud music blasting from the speakers throughout the club, her face stoic and voice serious. She trailed off a few seconds before speaking up again. "First round of shots is on me!"

Y/N chuckled at the contradictory sentence Yelena spoke after her stimulating, encouraging and cheerful speech, but followed her towards the bar counter where she already found a spot and was ordering 5 shots of vodka, America and Kamala looking a bit skeptical and unsure about the whole thing. "Hey, are you okay? You are unusually silent. You’re always so talkative during a mission."

"I’m just a bit worried. I want everything to go smoothly." Kate admitted in a strained voice, clenching on her jaw as she lied easily to the girl. She wasn’t caring about the mission at this point because all she could think about was Y/N having to seduce their targets and that she will probably has to endure all of that without intervening to avoid interfering with the mission just because she was jealous beyond herself. After they discussed about how Y/N should approach their targets, Yelena chose Kamala and America to help her keeping an eye on all of the exits, wanting to teach them how to do it properly since they were still a bit new to all of this, while Kate was the designated helper. She couldn’t say no to that, so she just gulped down her jealousy, sighed under her breath and put on a fake smile that didn’t reach her blue irises before nodding softly.

"You don’t need to worry." Y/N smiled brightly at Kate and leaned her hand on the small of her back to caress there softly in comfort, "relax and enjoy our night out. Bring that excitement back because is so cute watching you literally buzz in enthusiasm." Y/N finished her sentence by bumping their shoulders together and causing the archer to laugh gently under her breath before regarding their teammates waiting for them at the bar, not noticing in her distracted state, much to Kate’s relief, that the blue eyed girl had a scorching blush dusted over her cheeks that was triggered by the Y/H/C girl’s words.

"Okay, to this mission! Cheers!" The agents lifted their shot glasses up but before they could down them she stopped everyone mid-way to warn the two younger Avengers, "you have to down it, not sip it, okay? Otherwise you’ll have to deal with me."

Kamala and America nodded before downing the shots alongside their other teammates, a choir of coughs followed soon after when everyone except Yelena choked on the burning caused by the vodka. "Your drinking game is pathetic." Yelena signaled the bartender to fill her shot glass again and drank it a second later.

"Show off." Kate pushed Yelena on her shoulder with a fond roll of her eyes, making Yelena laugh contentedly.

"Hey, that’s our target." Kamala spoke up and forced everyone to look where she was squinting her eyes at and instantly recognized the first girl on their list.

"Y/N, you’re up. Remember, if she catches you, shove your tongue down her throat." Kate clenched hard on her jaw as jealousy boiled once again in her stomach, sending daggers towards that poor girl before watching Y/N asking for a shot of tequila and downing it in one go.

"Okay, Kate, show time." Y/N grasped the archer’s bicep gently and pushed her towards the left end of the club, finding the girl sat alone on a table and sipping on her cocktail. "El, did you use that special device?"

"Yup, here look. She has the card in her left back pocket." Yelena’s voice came from right behind her and turned around to find Yelena standing close to her and showing her the device’s screen, where an x-Ray scan of the girl detected the components of the card and highlighted it in her pocket as the screen displayed.

"You three were supposed to control our exits." Y/N told her teammates standing beside them matter-of-factly and was met with three shrugs.

"I don’t want to lose the show." Yelena admitted and smiled triumphantly when America and Kamala nodded in agreement.

"Great." Y/N grunted under her breath and approached the girl furtively and when she was close enough to the girl she stretched her hand over to try to slip the card out of the girl’s pocked but it was already a difficult task since the chair could block its passage. Just when Y/N was ready to touch the girl’s jeans back pocket, the girl turned her head hastily around and almost caught Y/N, but the girl was quick enough to make it look like she was tying up her shoes before looking up at the girl in apology and put on a crooked smile that she felt it was more a grimace than anything else. "Sorry! I almost tripped into you, these shoes are giving me hell tonight." Y/N screamed over the music to make the girl hear her. Seducing her it is, then.

"Don’t worry! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, how about you? Waiting for someone?" Y/N pointed to the empty seat beside the girl and watched her sigh out loud.

"I wish, she stood me up."

"What? Only a fool would do that. If I was her I would have never let go a beautiful girl like you." The two spend some time talking about a few things, Y/N trying to put on her best seductive face and tried to charm the girl into kissing her. "I’m sorry. It’s just that you look familiar, did we go to the same high school or something? Oh yes! I remember us making out two minutes from now."

"Oh my god!" Kamala exclaimed while Yelena exploded in loud cackles.

"This is amazing." Yelena bent over her knees as she continued laughing out loud at the amazing show she was witnessing, everybody too much occupied with staring at Y/N to notice Kate standing a few feet away clutching her phone in her hand as she sent daggers at the girl’s skull and fuming with anger and jealousy.

"Mh, cheeky aren’t we?"

"What can I say? It does not happen often to meet a cute girl in a club." Y/N shrugged with her best dashing smirk, taking a sip of her drink, winking at the girl over the rim of the glass and watching her blush furiously.

"Mh keep saying things like that and that kiss might happen earlier than expected." The girl stretched her finger over to caress Y/N chin gently before leaning over and clashing their lips together in an hard kiss. Kate had to physically detach her eyes from the scene and moved them to their friends cheering Y/N on over the blasting music. "Mh, c’mere."

"I can’t, the table is in the way." Y/N grunted out, whining in pain when the girl pulled her more into her forcefully but the rim of the table pressed on her ribcage. "Maybe we should get up, so I can properly kiss and feel you."

Y/N’s acting worked pretty well because a second later the girl sat up with a grunt and pulled her up with her, the agent happy that this torture will come to an end in the span of a few minutes now that she has a better access to the girl’s back pocket. As she pushed the girl on the wall and heard her moan greedily with her hands clutching her leather jacket, the girl opened her eyes to peek at the archer to signal her she was almost ready and to prepare herself. She watched Kate nod as she put her phone away and returned her attention to the girl now gripping her neck harshly as Y/N’s tongue invaded her mouth. "Oh YES!"

Y/N smirked inwardly when the girl mistook Y/N sneaking her hand into her back pocket to slip the card away with Y/N groping her, glad she didn’t notice the card’s absence and continued to kiss her greedily as Y/N passed the item to Kate walking by them, while her other hand stayed on the girl’s other buttcheek to not arise suspicion into the girl. After a minute or so of heavy kissing, Y/N pulled away and faked taking a call, before apologizing to the girl she had to leave. "I’m sorry, but I really need to go. It was fun."

Just when the redhead was ready to stop her from leaving, a tall blonde walked towards them and greeted the girl with an apologetic smile. "I’m sorry, I got caught up at work."

Y/N then understood she was the girl the redhead was waiting for before her arrival and smiled politely at her, leaving the two to socialize. "Nice move Y/L/N." Yelena circled her arm around the agent’s shoulders and laughed loudly, the teammates walking back to the bar to look around for their next target.

"Ugh, she was so bad at kissing." Y/N shuddered uncomfortably and downed two shots in a go.

"I’m definitely using that line in the future." America admitted with a chuckle before scanning her eyes around the room.

"Guys, right there." Kamala pointed to their next target, dancing not too far from them with a couple of friends. Yelena spurred into action, lifted their special device up to find where the brunette hid the card.

"In her blazer, right pocket." Y/N took a deep, grounding breath, before grasping Kate’s bicep - a gesture that made Kate’s stomach explode with wild butterflies - to walk them towards the girl and smiling at her gently before letting her go a few feet away from their target.

"I can see you like rock and roll music. That’s good, because I can easily rock your world."

"Oh c’mon Y/N! You can do so much better than that!" Yelena commented as Kate rolled her eyes, not really knowing what she had done to force her to endure all of this when all she wanted was to be in the girl’s Y/N was now currently making out with spot. A few minutes later Kate passed furtively past them and retrieved another card, before joining her other three teammates enjoying the show.

After Y/N walked away from their second target, they all ordered another round of shots, Kate asking for a refill since she still has to endure watching Y/N make out with other two girls.

"Top floor, look." America squinted her eyes to make sure she recognized the girl walking up the stairs of the club, then Yelena promptly identified the card before they all moved to assist Y/N hit on another girl.

"Y’know, I’ve read somewhere kissing is the language of love. So would you like to have a conversation with me?"

"Oh that was the best so far." Kamala chuckled and nodded in satisfaction, high-fiving Yelena and America when they agreed with her.

"I must admit, you’ve gotten good with pick up lines." Yelena declared after she downed another shot and patted Y/N on the shoulder.

"Please, I’ve always been good."

"I beg to differ. Remember that one time in Pittsburgh?"

"What happened?" Kamala asked curiously after the Russian groaned with a roll of her eyes at her statement.

"She approached a girl saying ‘you’re so hot my zipper is falling for you’. It was so embarrassing to watch."

"Yeah, that was a bit lame." Kamala and America agreed with grimaces on their faces, causing Y/N to roll her eyes in fond exasperation.

"Do I need to remind you that it worked?"

"Minor details."

"Whatever." Kate asked the bartender for another shot of the strongest thing he had and downed it in one go, praying all of this will end soon. She was on the verge of tears, all this jealousy, rage and sorrow bottled up was really testing her, but she won’t ever let her friends see her cry because she couldn’t get over her crush on Y/N and couldn’t act like a professional on their mission.

"Mh interesting place to hide the card." Yelena hummed as she eyed the screen before showing it to everyone around them, Kate almost fainting at what she saw. "Good luck with that."

"Oh no, fuck." Y/N batted her eyes a few times to be sure she wasn’t mistaken before sighing out dejected as she stared at the card being stashed in the front of the girl’s pants, right where her vagina was.

"Look on the bright side. You’re almost done. Good luck. Here, you will definitely need this." Yelena handed Y/N another shot, who she promptly downed before walking resolutely towards their last target.

"Hey, sorry. I’m looking for a treasure, can I look into your pants?" Y/N murmured sultrily into the girl’s ear before biting on her lobe harshly.

"Oooh!" Yelena, America and Kamala exclaimed in loud whistles at Y/N’s sentence and Kate couldn’t help but roll her eyes at their childish behavior, her eyes prickling with tears.

"Aren’t you guys supposed to check our exits? We’re leaving soon." Kate tried to use a normal and totally cool tone, but a bit of irritation could be heard in her voice. America and Kamala instantly turned around from Y/N and got into position as they eyed their exits, while Kate stared annoyed at Y/N kissing that blonde fervently before moving her eyes away when she watched her slip her hand in the front of the girl’s pants.

"Kate Bishop, jealousy does not look cool on you."

Kate turned her head around quickly towards Yelena standing beside her and eyed her with widened eyes, expecting her to be ready for their way out and not next to her, "w-what? I-I’m not."

"Stop trying to pretend you’re not. I can see it. You’ve been quiet all night, which I thought would be great but I strangely missed your squeaky voice gushing about anything."

"Listen- I- don’t tell her, okay? Please."

"Kate Bishop, you’re funny but stupid."

Kate did a double take and stared at Yelena weirdly, "what? Why?"

"Because you didn’t notice her crush on you." Yelena stated matter of factly, getting ready to move when she watched Y/N give them the signal.

"She doesn’t have a crush on me." Kate stated in a resolute, but dejected tone, sighing out sadly before starting walking towards Y/N to finish with their plan.

"Kate-" Yelena stopped the black haired archer with a hand on her arm and forced her to meet her eyes, "she likes you. Tell her. Don’t live on what ifs."

Kate stared at Yelena’s green irises a few more seconds before walking towards Y/N with the glass of water she ordered not too long ago after Yelena released her from her soft grip. "Oh my god, I’m so sorry!"

"Don’t worry. I need to leave anyway, my friend texted me. He needs a lift home." Y/N smiled politely at Kate before sending a kiss to the girl she had been making out for a few minutes and walking away, passing the card to Kate, who immediately hid it in her blazer’s sleeve, before following behind the agent while Yelena’s words echoed around her head. Does Y/N really have a crush on me?

-

"DID YOU SEE THAT? I bitch-slapped him into the wall!" Kamala yelled enthusiastically on the front seat, jumping up and down in excitement as she recalled her knocking one of the criminals down with her huge hand. America gushed alongside her in the middle of the seats to Kamala in the passenger seat and Yelena driving back to their hotel, while Kate and Y/N took the seats in the back of the van to take a moment to relax after their big fight.

"Hey Kate- you’re bleeding." Y/N noticed Kate’s wound on her chin gushing a few drops of blood and used a napkin to prevent them to fall on her jeans.

"Don’t worry. I’m okay." Kate answered dismissively, turning her head around to stare out of the window, as she fought against the tears ready to spill. It was normal after a big fight to let go of all the pent up emotions you had stashed inside due to the adrenaline pumping fast in your veins, so Kate wasn’t surprised when her eyes prickled with tears as her masochistic mind went over the events of their evening in the nightclub.

"Are you sure? Hey- please look at me. Let me inspect the wound." Y/N insisted a few times, trying to reach Kate’s face with the napkin to clean her face, but almost jumped up in fright when Kate turned her head around quickly, her eyes brimming with tears and her face completely red.

"Leave it Y/N. I said I’m fine."

Y/N went over the initial shock of the sudden outburst of the archer and focused on her broken state. "Hey-" Y/N laid a hand on the girl’s unwounded cheek, watching the girl almost pull away from the touch, but in the end sinking into her palm and sighing quietly while a single tear fell down her face, but Y/N promptly wiped it away. "What’s wrong? It’s okay, I’m here." Kate swallowed the hiccup ready to leave her throat and forced herself to calm down before smiling at Y/N in appreciation. "Wanna tell me what’s bothering you?"

Kate shook her head and closed her eyes, but when she reopened them she was met with warm eyes and gentle smile silently asking to let her help, causing the girl to relent almost immediately, "not here."

Y/N nodded and moved her hand away from Kate’s face, the archer missing instantly the warmth it was providing, before her stomach flipped over itself when Y/N entwined their hands together and didn’t pull away, not even when they parked and exited the car, appreciating the reassuring gesture.

"Guys I really want to celebrate but I physically can’t, that asshole of a guard kicked me in my side and the pain is excruciating." Y/N admitted as she limped a bit to their rooms, using Kate’s hand to stabilize herself while the archer gripped her hand comfortingly, an act that made her stomach churn with mushy feelings.

"Same, a jackass hit me with a pipe right on my spine. My back hurts so much." Kate grunted in pain as she stretched her hand over to open Y/N’s and hers bedroom door.

"We’ll celebrate tomorrow. We can stay here a few more days before going back to the compound." Yelena nodded and subtly eyed Kate, silently communicating with her to tell the girl how she felt and watched Kate thinking about it, dusting a small smile over her lips as she nodded at the archer in encouragement.

"Goodnight girls." Y/N waved at them before letting Kate walk in and following her inside.

"Ugh, I hope this suite has some ice. My ribs hurt like a bitch." Y/N limped a bit in her steps on her way to the mini fridge, almost dancing in sheer happiness when she found a bucket full of ice cubes next to a bottle of champagne.

"Did you find it?" Kate asked in a small tone, sighing out in relief when she discarded her boots and sat slowly on the couch, wincing under her breath when her back hurt slightly.

"Oh I found much more than what I was expecting." Kate could hear the smile Y/N had on her lips through her tone, imagining that beautiful grin as she stared at her back curiously. She watched her move still in her crouching position a few more seconds, a rustle of ice the only sound bouncing off the silent room’s walls, before Y/N sat up and walked over her with a bucket with a very expensive champagne tucked in in her left hand while she held two flutes in the other. "Seems like we are having that celebration after all."

"Mh, champagne after a really tough mission. Perfect." Kate hummed sarcastically, planting her fists on the couch cushions to help herself into a more comfortable sitting position and grunting in pain when her muscles asked her to stop moving too much. Y/N could hear something more into the archer’s tone, but she couldn’t exactly pinpoint it while she walked into the bathroom to take two towels into the living room to use them to put ice in.

"Wanna tell me what’s bothering you now?" Y/N spoke up after putting ice into a towel and passing it to Kate, the archer smiling at her in appreciation and whispered a soft ‘thank you’, before doing the same with her own towel and humming in satisfaction when the cold relieved a bit of her pain in her side. Then Y/N proceeded to pour champagne in the two glasses and passed one to Kate, clanking them together before taking tentative sips.

"It’s nothing."

"You had been quiet all night and almost cried in the car. I’m worried about you. You can tell me whatever is bothering you. I will try to fix it."

Kate smiled bittersweetly as her eyes moved from Y/N’s Y/E/C ones to the bucket front of her on the coffee table and watched as droplets of water started forming on its surface. "I- I-, just forget it okay?" Kate sighed out dejected and moved the ice to the other side of her lower back, to the left, "you can’t fix it."

"Well I don’t know if I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s it about." Y/N slid slowly towards Kate and laid her free hand on her knee softly, "I can see it’s upsetting and hurting you."

"Why are you even trying to help me?"

"Because I care about you and I don’t like seeing you upset." Y/N admitted in an hard voice, desperately trying to make Kate believe how much she wanted her to smile.

"I-" Kate met Y/N’s eyes once again, now noticing how much closer they got and sighed out gently. She likes you. Tell her. Don’t live on what ifs. Yelena’s voice echoed around her mind as she recalled their conversation in the club. Don’t live on what ifs. Kate searched desperately a sign into those intoxicating Y/E/C irises, almost fainting from the intense gaze they locked Kate’s blue eyes in, as she fought in her head on what to do. She likes you. Kate moved her hand over Y/N’s one and started playing with her fingers, an habit Y/N picked up long time ago and recognized it as a nervous gesture that Kate made when she was debating on what to do, shifting her eyes from their entwined hands to Y/N’s Y/E/C hues again. Tell her. "I wasn’t completely okay with our plan tonight."

Y/N waited patiently for Kate to explain further, not pressuring her into talking, knowing she would open up when she was ready and smiled encouragingly at her. "Which part?"

"The first part in the nightclub." Kate answered shortly, gulping her glass of champagne in one go and grimacing at the bitter taste.

"Why? I mean it was pretty much improvised and Yelena, America and Kamala definitely didn’t do their job completely to entertain theirselves to watch me work my magic, but it went smoothly." Y/N reasoned, keeping the shivers at bay when she tried to delete those images out of her mind. She felt incredibly guilty for hitting on those girls - even if it was for the sake of their mission - in front of Kate. Her heart clenched in pain and longing as she desperately convinced herself she won’t ever be that lucky to use her dorky pick up lines with her or kiss her like she had been doing all night with their targets.

"Mh." Kate hummed shortly, nodding almost imperceptibly at the girl before pulling her eyes away from Y/N’s gaze and focused them on her hands playing around with the empty flute.

"We’ve been so lucky that none of our targets spotted me with another girl. Trust me it’s not a funny show."

"You seemed pretty at ease." Kate pointed out with an hard face on, her left eyebrow arching up in question while her lips curled inquisitively in a snarky grin.

Y/N snorted in amusement and drank the last gulp of champagne before placing the flute on the coffee table and focusing her attention back on the archer. "I had to or the plan wouldn’t have worked."

"From what Yelena told us in the club, you are pretty much in your element in the nightclubs, hitting on whatever girl you wanted or needed to hit on." Kate felt that overwhelming anger, that uncontrollable jealousy and that almost unbearable sorrow all mixing together in her stomach and fueling the embers already burning wildly there, alcohol adding up into the mix and making her lose her inhibitions, causing whatever that passed through her mind to leave her mouth.

"You make it sound like I enjoy it." Y/N countered back defensively, crossing her arms angrily at the accusatory tone Kate was using.

"Oh please, I saw you tonight." When Kate noticed Y/N kept staring at her blankly she added quickly, "so you’re telling me you do not enjoy hit on and make out with girls during missions?"

"No Kate."

The short answer, spoken with an offended tone, made Kate feel like shit, so she desperately stumbled over her words to try to make Y/N explain. "So I read it all wrong?"

"Yes." Y/N sighed out when the archer stared at her with a mix of disbelief and confusion, "a few years ago I would have said yes. I was single, so hook ups didn’t bother me, and getting the girls to do whatever I needed for the mission was empowering in some way, but now not so much. Things changed."

"But- wait you’re still single, right?" Kate asked almost alarmed, her heart clenching in anticipation and the archer anxiously hoped for a positive answer to her question.

"Yes, I still am. But-" Y/N sighed out loud, moving the bag of ice a bit higher and turned slightly on her side to get a better look at Kate. How the fuck do I explain to Kate that things changed because I developed a crush on her since I met her? I can’t! Unfortunately Y/N couldn’t seem to find a valid explanation without spilling her deepest secret. Those big blue eyes never left her own Y/E/C ones as she stared expectantly, patiently waiting for her to clarify her previous statement. Would it be that bad to tell her the truth? You never know if you don’t try. "But now I have feelings for someone and hitting on girls doesn’t feel right, because no one will ever be her."

"Oh." Kate then stayed silent, not really trusting her voice to not quiver as a lump formed in her throat at this new information.

"I feel like a total idiot! I mean I have all the courage in the world to hit on completely strangers, possible threats or dangerous criminals, but when it comes to tell my crush how I feel, I simply run like a coward."

"Do I know her?" Kate clenched hard on her jaw as jealousy bubbled once again in the pit of her stomach as she tried, unsuccessfully, to relax her stoic expression.

Y/N hesitated a few seconds before making up her mind, glad the alcol consumed that night started to ease her nerves and made her bolder. "Yes. I dare to say pretty well also."

"Is it Yelena?" Kate asked in shock, her brain spiraling out of control as her mind put together all the informations Y/N gave her so far and only one answer popped into her mind.

"What?! No! Yelena is a sister to me!"

Kate sighed out in relief imperceptibly, before regarding Y/N with a curious look, "then who is it?"

"Mh-" Y/N hesitated a bit, pondering on the option she had there. She was scared shitless of telling Kate the truth, not knowing how the archer would react, but then she started thinking about her reaction when she thought she liked Yelena. Maybe she likes me too. Or she likes Yelena and she was scared you would like her too. But then why was she so quiet tonight? She said she didn’t like the seducing part of the mission, but it wasn’t Yelena the designated one to seduce those girls. This is getting pointless, you will never know if she likes you too if you don’t tell her how you feel! Y/N grabbed the champagne bottle from the ice bucket and took a big gulp to give her enough liquid courage, before making up her mind to prevent it to talk herself out from confessing her true feelings towards the archer and whispered out, "you."

"I- what?" Kate was taken aback by the short answer and asked out in disbelief to be sure she didn’t imagine it, since the word was breathed out quickly and in a quiet tone.

"I said you, Kate." Y/N repeated with a firmer tone, settling the bottle on the table and staring at the archer intently. Her deep blue irises stayed glued into Y/E/C ones as realization downed on her, causing her eyes to widen in bewilderment.

"R-really?"

"Yes, you." Y/N smiled brightly at the cute lost expression on the girl, despite her insides squirming anxiously at her reaction. She hoped with all herself that the archer’s response was because she liked her back and not because she only sees her as a friend and doesn’t know how to turn her down.

"Hold on- let’s just- go back a bit. You like me?" Kate grabbed the bottle on the coffee table and mimicked Y/N’s previous action, taking a big gulp of the sparkly beverage before refocusing her attention on the Y/H/C girl staring at her with a small smile on her lips but with anticipation adorning her eyes. Shit, say it back you idiot. "Fuck."

"It’s okay. I got it. You’re too nice to reject me. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you in any way."

"Are you kidding me?" Kate asked incredulously, not really believing Y/N for thinking she doesn’t feel the same and cursing herself in her mind for not confessing her feelings right away. "I like you too you idiot!"

"Jeez, thanks." Y/N quipped as her mind short-circuited at the confession, gripping the couch cushions hard as she tried to stop the room from spinning so quickly.

"I’m sorry, it came out harshly. But first you make me believe you have a crush on Yelena and then you think I was trying to turn you down."

"I’m sorry."

Kate sighed out and looked down at her wringing hands, "so-"

"That’s why you were so quiet tonight?"

"Yes. I was jealous. I couldn’t stand watch you hit on those girls and then make out with them."

Y/N’s smirk was a mix of smugness and sweetness at the archer’s admission, "to be fair, it wasn’t easy for me either. All I wanted to do was to walk up to you and kiss you."

"It was all I could think about." Kate breathed out dreamily, a sudden shiver skidding down her spine when images of the agent kissing those girls came back into her mind. "It was a torture."

"Like I said, it wasn’t easy for me either. None of them was a good kisser, I went through with the plan thinking about kissing you instead of those girls."

That was what made Kate react, throwing the last ounce of willpower she had out of the window and act on her deepest desire. She actually growled under her breath before sliding closer to Y/N and grasping her neck hard to clash their lips together in a passionate kiss. They both sighed out in pure bliss when their mouths collided and danced over each other slowly, both savoring the other’s taste as the initial shock faded away and their yearning kicked in. "Wow."

"Wow indeed." Kate whispered contentedly on the girl’s lips and smiled giddily when Y/N nuzzled her nose cutely. "Just to be sure, this is really happening right? I’m not imagining anything, am I?"

Y/N snorted under her breath and smiled warmly at the adorable archer, pecking her lips quickly before answering her question, "no Kate, this is real."

"Good." Kate declared before joining their mouths together again, this time sliding her tongue over the seam of Y/N’s lips to ask for entrance, whining softly when the girl granted her access a second later and their tongues met instantly in a sensual dance. Both took their time to explore every nook and cranny of the other’s mouth, pushing more into each other as they grasped their clothes desperately each time a particular swipe of their tongue hit something deep within them, their towels filled with ice completely forgot on the couch cushions.

"Shit Kate. You are making me dizzy." Y/N admitted out of breath when they pulled away a few minutes later with their lungs burning from lack of air.

"Mh, did those girl make you feel like this?" Kate whispered in Y/N’s ear, before taking her lobe into her mouth and bit on it gently, before releasing it with a soft pop and descending her lips down the girl’s jaw, nibbling on the skin there teasingly.

"No." Y/N moaned out as her left hand clasped her neck to keep her in place while the right one slipped into her black tresses.

"I need to kiss those girls’ taste out of your mouth." After pulling away from the girl’s jaw, Kate hovered her lips over Y/N’s ones and whispered those words hotly on her mouth before emphasizing them by slipping her tongue past her lips and invaded the girl’s mouth possessively, pulling a low whine from Y/N’s throat. "You are mine." Kate pulled away enough to grumble out before diving right back in and meeting Y/N’s tongue halfway in a steamy kiss. "No one is allowed to kiss you but me."

"Yes Kate. Fuck. Only you." Y/N murmured between kisses, wailing gently on Kate’s lips when the archer groped her boob harshly through her shirt and pushed her tongue into her mouth greedily.

"Take me. I want to be completely yours." Kate whispered lovingly on Y/N’s lips when they definitely pulled away to take some needed breath.

"You already were Kate and I was already yours. We were just two idiots too scared to confess their feelings to the other." Y/N smiled at Kate then pecked her lips and sat up, looking down at the black haired beauty staring up at her in confusion when she stared at her for a few seconds without saying a word. "I just wanted to tell you that you look great right now! Do you know what else would look good on you? Me."

Kate felt a gush of wetness leave her core and drip in her panties as a fire burned deep within her. "Are you hitting on me miss Y/L/N?"

"It depends." Y/N helped Kate up when she took her extended hand she had put out for Kate to take and smiled slyly at her.

"On what?" Kate whispered on Y/N’s mouth as she leaned on her body gently, her free hand laid on her chest to perch herself up, before licking her upper lip teasingly, watching the girl visibly shudder and grinned smugly at the wanted response.

"It depends on if it will lead us fucking on that amazing kingsize bed." Y/N stated boldly, biting her bottom lip seductively while she put on her best sex eyes she could muster, watching a lustful expression unfold on the archer’s face while her deep blue eyes darkened in mere seconds and a small blush dusted over her cheekbones and neck.

"I-hm-" Kate cleared her throat to get rid of the sudden lump that formed there, before taking a deep breath to force herself to flirt back, "you need to work really hard then. You need to up your pick up lines game if you want to get into my pants."

Y/N almost fainted right then and there when Kate put a teasing, innocent smile on her lips while grabbing Y/N’s left hand, the one not entwined with hers, and laid it on her clothed crotch. "Fuck."

"Hm, I hope we will soon." Kate murmured on Y/N’s lips before clashing their lips forcefully and pushed her to walk them towards their bedroom. As they kissed hungrily, they both got rid of Y/N’s leather jacket and Kate’s blazer, hissing in pain when their haphazardly movements caused their injuries to hurt a bit, as they stumbled throughout the suite groping and feeling each other up as much as they could.

"Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them." Y/N whispered seductively on Kate’s skin as she peppered her neck with open-mouthed kisses and love bites and teased Kate’s pants’ button with her fingers.

"Nice one, but you’re still far from getting there." Kate snorted and pushed on Y/N’s chest, making the girl fall on the bed.

"Your clothes look so uncomfortable, can I help you take them off?" Y/N looked up and into Kate’s eyes with a big smirk, placing her hands behind herself on the mattress so she could lay back on them.

Kate merely stared at Y/N in silence before lifting her black t-shirt up, getting rid of her bra in the process, and discarding them on the floor beside her feet. "Your turn."

Y/N stared transfixed on Kate’s round breasts, her eyes taking in those two nipples standing up at her attention and licking her lips in anticipation. Only when she felt Kate straddle her thighs and those two mounds were inches away from her face she got out of her daydreaming and moaned lewdly out loud, "you’re so fucking hot Kate."

Kate wrapped her lips around Y/N’s ones in a sensual, slow kiss while her hands grasped the hem of the Y/E/C girl’s white shirt and lifted the garment up and off the girl, before focusing on her bra and throwing it on the floor to join their clothes already pooled there. "Fuck." Kate murmured when they pulled away and her eyes immediately fell on Y/N’s chest, shivering wildly when Y/N laid a hand on her back and forced their boobs to brush together.

"Hey remind me, what was your favorite thing to eat in bed? Me right?"

"You’re getting better." Kate hummed before letting out a strangled moan when Y/N took her left nipple into her mouth and sucked on it harshly.

Kate hands grasped Y/N’s scalp to push her more into her chest and whined again when the agent’s hands grasped her ass hard lustfully, "hm and I think you’re getting wetter."

Kate opened her eyes at those words whispered on her chest when her center clenched hard on nothing and her body got wracked by hard shivers. "Off." Kate pushed Y/N once again on her chest, pulling her away from her chest and making her fall on the matters with a soft thud, before sitting up and harshly taking her pants and panties off, then doing the same with Y/N’s jeans and boy shorts too, wailing under her breath at how sexy Y/N looked with them on before moaning aloud when she noticed they were purple.

"You are the most breathtaking view I’ve ever witnessed." Y/N spoke up with her voice full of affection and honesty and Kate had never felt so safe and loved by anyone ever before. Y/N eyes raked over her body with a thoroughly and meticulous sweet gaze while her teeth sank on her bottom lip lustfully meanwhile Kate took her time to admire the goddess that was Y/N, completely naked and spread out on the bed with her arousal clear as it dropped on the sheets.

"And you are the most beautiful girl i’ve ever met and ever will meet." Kate sauntered slowly towards Y/N before crawling over Y/N’s body in a seductive way and then laying down on her and letting the amazing sensation triggered by their skin rubbing together sink in completely.

"Can I touch you?"

"One more pick up line and you can do whatever you want to me." Kate whispered on Y/N’s lips, pecking them quickly before adding, "give me your best one yet."

"You look too good for a pick up line. So let’s just skip over the best part. Wanna fuck?"

Kate laughed at that and slapped Y/N’s chest softly, the tick air charged with sexual tension shifted into a playful one as Y/N joined Kate with soft chuckles, "that was the worst one yet."

"Okay, okay. I will tell you what I thought the first time I saw you working out with just a sport bra and really tight shorts." Y/N trailed off for good measure, watching Kate swallow visibly as she got ready, "I would treat you like my pinkie and bang you on every furniture of my apartment."

"I’m waiting miss Y/L/N." Kate whispered on Y/N’s lips, hovering them over each other but never joining their mouths into a kiss as she smirked slyly when the girl grunted out in pleasure.

Y/N wiped Kate’s smug expression off her face with an hard, hungry kiss while her hands instinctively grasped her ass harshly, the motion causing the girl’s body to move slightly over her own and making their nipples rub against each other delightfully. "Fuck, that was good."

"Yeah." Kate panted into Y/N’s mouth when they pulled away to take some needed breath, moaning lewdly onto her lips when Y/N repeated the gesture, causing their bodies to shudder in raw arousal and buzz in anticipation.

"Shit, I want you so fucking bad." The Y/H/C girl whispered softly after their umpteenth kiss, biting down on Kate’s lips not too hard and then sucking on the soft flesh to soothe the slight stinging.

"Me too Y/N. So so bad." It was the validation Y/N needed to act on both their desires and quickly lifting her leg up, bending it with her foot laying flat on the mattress and met with Kate’s surprisingly drenched core. Their moans mixed together between their open mouths, Kate for the unexpected contact and Y/N for the delicious sensation of the archer’s juices coating her thigh, as the air in the bedroom charged with pure lust. "Fuck! Oh yess!" Kate tentatively grounded her center on Y/N’s strong leg and a powerful shockwave run down her spine as she finally got the yearned attention on her aching cunt.

"Look at you, so needy for release." Y/N stared mesmerized at the sight of the black haired beauty fucking herself on her thigh, getting out of her reverie only when a loud, strangled whine left Kate’s lips, making her finally spoke up after staying silent a few moments.

"I wouldn’t- fuck yes- look so smug right now."

"Why not?" Y/N’s grin only broadened at the archer struggling to keep her eyes open to look at her and stumbling over her words as pleasure contorted her beautiful features.

"Because I can see you literally drenching the sheets." Kate stared down at Y/N’s core to point out her words and lifted her right eyebrow up cheekily. Y/N opened her mouth to counter back with a witty remark, only for her words to die in her throat and for her lips to open into an O shape as a loud moan escaped when Kate silently readjusted herself so she could bend her own thigh so it could come in contact with Y/N’s cunt. "How’s that?"

"Fucking amazing." Y/N answered shortly, before joining their lips together again and sped up their slow tempo, their hasty movements causing the bed rest to slam onto the wall and the faint thuds blended with their moans muffled by their tongues devouring each other’s mouths.

They stopped kissing when it was too difficult to keep up due to their orgasms building fast in their stomaches, familiar coiling feelings rising into their lower abdomens, and just panted into each other mouths a mix of their names and profanities. "Are you close?"

"Yes. Are you? I want to come with you." And they did, not too long after. Their bodies stiffened as juices spilled out of their spasming cores and mixing together, their lips open as soft whines left them, their eyes never leaving each other and their hearts beating loudly and simultaneously into their ribcages. "That was- wow."

"Yeah." Kate smiled sheepishly when she slumped down onto Y/N’s body before wrapping her lips around the agent’s ones in a slow, languid kiss, both savoring their post-coital haze in their loving bubble.

"You are perfect Kate."

The archer blushed profusely at the girl’s words spoken with so much affection as her Y/E/C eyes never left her own blue irises. "So are you Y/N/N." Kate sighed out contentedly, speaking up a few seconds later, "I honestly was expecting a pick up line."

"What’s the point? I reached the pick up lines goal, we had sex. And now we know we like each other. So we can go for how many rounds we want, without using pick up lines."

Kate’s face didn’t seem to want to go back to its normal color as the crimson color on her cheeks and neck deepened while her stomach flipped over itself at Y/N’s sentence. "Too bad. I started to like them. C’mon, a few more."

"Alright." Y/N pecked Kate’s lips sweetly before speaking up again, "don’t freak out, but I’m a mind reader." Y/N stopped from good measure, before continuing, "yes, I will sleep with you."

Kate laughed heartily at the line, hearing a cute giggle joining her and her heart clenched at the sweet sound, "lame, but good."

"Mh-" Y/N hummed as she lifted her left arm up previously wrapped around Kate’s torso and looked at her wrist pensively, "that’s odd, my magic watch says you’re coming on my fingers right now. It must be running 15 minutes fast." Y/N switched her eyes then from her wrist to Kate’s eyes and bit her bottom lip seductively.

Kate felt her core release a gush of fresh arousal at the line as she shuddered wildly at the images she dreamed so many times flashed into her mind, "fuck, that was good."

"I like that one too. Hey- I was wondering- do you have room for an extra tongue in your mouth?"

"Mh- I don’t know. Why don’t you find out yourself?" Kate smirked seductively down at Y/N who growled under her breath and pushed her tongue past her lips immediately, kissing her fervently while her hands, the right one still glued on her marvelous ass while the left one laid flat on her back, grasped the archer’s flesh and tried to push her more into her own body. "I think that was my favorite one so far."

"Mh, I have another favorite one."

"Which is?"

"Mh- I don’t know if I should say it." Y/N murmured, now the one blushing as dirty thoughts invaded her mind as she thought about that particular pick up line.

"Oh c’mon! Now I’m curious. And y’know this pick up lines are going to be delivered to me only, so sooner or later you will tell me it."

"Mh, possessive, I like it. Just to clarify, they had always been just for you, I was just too much of a coward to use them with you, so I kept them to myself."

Kate awed at the adorable admission and pecked Y/N’s lips briefly, pulling back when Y/N tried to deepen the kiss, knowing she was trying to dodge the subject. "Now, please tell me."

Kate laid another peck on Y/N’s lips and the girl sighed out loud as she reprimanded herself for being already so pliable with Kate, "fine. This proves how whipped I am for you Bishop." Kate kissed sweetly Y/N again after squealing in victory as butterflies invaded her stomach, knowing pretty well she was just as much, if not more, whipped for Y/N as Y/N was for her. "Wait, forget the last part."

"You know I won’t Y/L/N." Kate smirked mischievously and teased Y/N’s slightly parted lips with the tip of her tongue before laying a soft peck on that plump, soft, still a bit red flesh, "if it makes you feel better, I am incredibly whipped for you too."

"Really?"

"Well yeah, ask Yelena. Each time you ask something or need a favor, I’m always the one volunteering to help you. I have Yelena’s whipping sounds she sends my way each time I help you with whatever you need plaguing my head." Kate admitted, a rosy color appearing on her cheeks during her little speech, smiling shyly when Y/N grinned back at her with a mix of affection and smugness after she stopped talking.

"So she teased us both." Y/N pondered out loud, shaking her head in amusement as she thought about every time Yelena teased her, "you don’t even know how often I had to endure Yelena making fun of me for my, and I quote, ‘cute, hopeless crush’ I have for you."

"Do you think she tried to play Cupid tonight?" Kate asked as she tried to put all the pieces together now that she was aware of Yelena knowing they both had a crush on each other.

"I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m 100% sure she totally planned this too. At least we have a room for ourselves so we can be as loud as we want." Y/N smirked and kissed Kate soundly, her tongue slipping past Kate’s lips and hummed contentedly when Kate moaned into her mouth, from her implication and from the amazing kiss. "We should thank her though, for tonight and for pairing us up in this room."

"Ugh, we wouldn’t hear the end of it." Kate groaned and laid her forehead on Y/N’s left clavicle.

"Wait for when we are back to the campus, where a congratulations party planned by Scott is waiting for us." Y/N chuckled when Kate groaned again into her chest and caressed her hair softly.

"Don’t dodge the subject." A few seconds later Kate lifted her head up and pointedly stared at her, "I want to know your favorite pick up line for me."

"Okay, hm-" Y/N hesitated for just a moment, but when her irises met Kate’s ocean blue ones again, all her insecurities and worries about the archer finding the pick up line too much or too gross washed away. "Your legs looks great. What time do they open? There’s a package for them I need to deliver."

"Wow."

"Too much?"

"No- I-"

"I’m sorry." Y/N closed her eyes in shame and shook her head, trying to erase those widened blue eyes and mouth open in shock from her mind, her stomach clenching in regret for making Kate uneasy, "I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. It was a stupid pick up line I came up after watching you spar with Cassie. My new strap on arrived that morning and I- I’m just sorry okay? Can we forget it ever happened and move on?"

"I can’t forget it Y/N." Kate answered shortly, her tone low and raspy, her mouth closing and her jaw clenching hard as she stared deeply into Y/N’s eyes when the girl met her blue irises after she heard her speak.

"I’m sorry. I understand if you want to go. I’m truly, deeply sorry for grossing you o-"

Kate kissed Y/N hard on her lips, shutting her up successfully, glueing their faces together as her hands grasped her jaw and neck harshly. "You didn’t make me uncomfortable, nor disgusted." Kate reassured firmly, grounding Y/N with another hard stare before continuing, "I can’t forget about that line, because now you using a strap on on me is all I can think about."

"Shit." Y/N shuddered at the admission, her hands involuntarily gripping Kate’s hips in need as images flooded her mind.

"Do you happen to have a strap on with you or do I have to wait till we are back on campus?" Kate asked seductively, one of her hands straying down and settled on the girl’s left breast, her forefinger drawing idle circles around Y/N’s nipple while her teeth sank on her own bottom lip sensually.

"I-I-" Y/N swallowed thickly and tried to compose herself. "Would it look desperate if I say yes?"

"No." Kate giggled and nuzzled their noses together. "Do you really have it?"

"Yes. I always have it with me. I guess, my subconscious always hoped something like this would happen with you." Y/N admitted sheepishly, her cheeks burning softly from embarrassment at her hopeless self.

"We should thank your subconscious then, because I can’t wait for you to fuck me senselessly with your strap on." Y/N growled when one of Kate’s thighs slipped between her legs and teased her already aroused core.

"Mh shit, this feel like a dream coming true."

"There will be more things coming soon, like us for example." Kate quipped and giggled when Y/N’s eyes darkened instantly as her hands gripped her ass needily.

"It’s in my luggage. Are you sure?"

"Yes. Do you want me to go get it?"

"You can if you don’t mind." Kate pecked Y/N’s lips softly before standing up and walking towards Y/N’s luggage in the left corner of her bedroom. "It should be under all of my clothes, in a small bag."

After rummaging a few seconds with what Y/N considered the cutest focused expression with her tongue curled around on the left side of her teeth and her nose scrunched up, Kate pulled a black bag out of her luggage and walked back on the bed, straddling Y/N now seated on the bed with her back laying on the bed rest. "Did-" Kate cleared her throat and fidgeted with the bag’s zipper still in her hands, "did you use it with someone?" Kate lifted the bag up and grimaced at the silly question she couldn’t keep to her jealous self.

"No, of course not. I bought this one only for you, especially for you. I’ve used strap ons before with girls, but I haven’t had a one night stand in months."

"Are you serious?" Kate asked in awe, smiling adorably at the girl at her admission.

"I couldn’t. No one could be ever compared to you."

Kate’s eyes prickled with touched tears at the Y/H/C admission and kissed her languidly a few moments. "I did the exact same thing, since I met you and admitted I had a crush on you." They shared another sweet peck after staring lovingly at one another with dope smiles on their lips, humming into the kiss as warmth spread throughout their chest at their intimate actions. When they pulled away Kate spoke up again, "well, it seems you won’t have any more one night stands because I won’t allow it. I want you to myself."

Y/N smiled brightly at Kate’s statement and kissed her soundly, "and I want you to myself as well."

"Now. Shall we?" Kate smirked mischievously after sharing a few deep, meaningful, slow kisses and wiggled her eyebrows at Y/N, who laughed and shook her head in amusement. When Y/N nodded at her to signal her to open it herself, Kate gingerly opened the zipper and gaped at what she found. "Now I know why you bought this for me."

Kate snickered under her breath as she lifted between them the above the average long, purple strap on. "Yeah- well- yeah." Y/N snickered alongside Kate and shook her head at herself.

"Can we focus on the color you chose?"

"Can we please not?" Kate giggled at Y/N whined question and dropped the subject, for now, pecking her lips gently a few times instead, Y/N happy to comply. After Kate helped Y/N fasten the harness and position the strap correctly, Y/N moved so Kate could lay comfortably on the bed as she grabbed the bottle of lube in the bag, "ready?"

Kate stopped Y/N when the girl stretched her hand out to pour lube on it and looked up at her with big, doe eyes, "can I?"

"Y-yeah- yes- of- of course." Kate placed her hand over Y/N’s one and waited for Y/N to pour the jelly substance on her palm, before slowly but firmly spreading it onto Y/N’s strap on. "Oh shit."

"I can’t wait to feel you inside me." Kate whispered hotly on Y/N’s lips, thoroughly spreading the lube all over the purple toy, smirking smugly when Y/N wailed softly under her breath after some particular strokes and adding more pressure on purpose to hear those sounds again.

"Ready?" Y/N repeated gently as she watched Kate lay back down on the bed, her hands now on each side of her head as she hovered over the archer’s muscular body.

"Yes." Kate breathed out after a few seconds, letting the moment sink in as her stomach fluttered severely at the deep feelings she felt for the girl on top of her.

"I’ll go slowly, I promise." Y/N stated in a whispered tone on Kate’s lips, positioning herself better between Kate’s spread out legs and aligned the strap on in front of the black haired girl’s entrance. "I’ll be gentle."

"Okay." Kate smiled warmly at the thoughtfulness showed by her lover and lifted her head up from the pillow to kiss her languidly. "I want you Y/N, please." Kate moaned lustfully when the kiss got heavier after a few seconds and their bodies moving over each other caused Y/N’s strap on to rub her entrance deliciously.

"Your wish is my command, baby." Y/N slowly but firmly eased the purple toy in, reveling in the low, guttural wail of unfiltered pleasure leaving Kate’s mouth as she herself emitted a moan at the wonderful sensation of feeling whole with Kate like this, their bodies entwined and fitted perfectly like two puzzle pieces. They both had never been so intimate and connected with anyone before and that thought alone spread hard shivers all over their bodies.

"Oh yes! Mh Y/N!"

"You are taking me so well Kate, fuck." When Y/N’s hips flushed over Kate’s ones the Y/H/C girl stilled her movements to let Kate adjust to the feeling and stared at her with a mix of lust and affection.

"Please baby, move." Y/N grunted out at the blue eyed girl’s request and complied almost immediately by moving back her hips, the strap on slipping almost completely out of Kate’s center, before slamming it back slowly but firmly, eliciting a guttural groan of ecstasy from Kate. "Yes! Fuck Y/N yes!"

"Oh fuck babe." Y/N wailed out as the other small end of the dildo buried inside her pressed on her clit deliciously each time she moved into Kate.

"Faster Y/N, please."

Y/N was having an hard time trying to keep her eyes open due to the powerful pleasure she was experiencing, but she forced them open to take in Kate’s beautiful body trash around in pleasure and need at her slow thrusts, her face contorting after each movement. "You’re so fucking hot like this."

"Fuck Y/N." Kate moaned when Y/N sped up her movements, not too fast though, because she wanted them both to savor this moment to the fullest, basking in the intense pleasure their intimate activities was creating and just existing in this love bubble they were in. "You- shit- don’t know how many times I imagined being like this with you."

"Really? Like this as in me fucking you with a strap on?" When Kate nodded Y/N groaned out and increased her speed, thrusting into Kate’s center hard before swallowing her loud moans with a deep kiss.

"Yes Y/N! Oh fuck, like that! YES!" Y/N’s fast and strong thrusts caused the bed rest to slam into the wall and creating soft, but loud thuds almost completely covered by Kate’s moans that were increasing in volume after each thrust and Y/N’s grunts of pleasure.

"Shit, I’m already so close. Are you babe?" Y/N’s sentence made Kate’s walls clench on the toy needily as the coiling feeling in her stomach was almost ready to snap.

"Yes babe, make me come please." After a few more deep, hard and fast thrusts they both tumbled over the edge with their names moaned out between their open mouths. Y/N slowed her movements to let them both ride their powerful wave, before stopping altogether and sliding out of her lover slowly.

Kate grunted out at the lack of fullness the strap on was providing and shuddered slightly, her body buzzing deliciously as her senses heightened when Y/N cuddled her with the toy still strapped on her hips, the strap grazing her thigh teasingly as it spread her own release on her skin. "Just- give me a few minutes to gain my body back. Then I’ll fuck you so good you won’t be able to walk tomorrow."

Y/N swallowed at that and turned her head around to find a pair of dark blue irises already staring at her needily, "Kate, shit- I almost came again. You can’t say things like that! Warn me next time."

"I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I had to endure you hitting on those girls all night. I need to fuck them out of your system." As soon as she stopped talking, she slowly took the toy off Y/N and put it on herself, before positioning herself between Y/N’s legs and spread the open, enjoying the beautiful sight that was Y/N’s drenched core, already dripping for her. "I’m Kate by the way."

"I’m sorry what? Kate we are best friends, I know your name." Y/N stared confused at Kate looking at her seductively with a fire burning behind her almost black irises and swallowed soundly at the sight.

"I was just making sure you were screaming the right name tonight."

"Fuck." Y/N whimpered at the pick up line whispered out sultrily on her lips, the tip of the toy now teasing her entrance and making her whole body light up with anticipation. "Inside, Kate. Now."

"With pleasure babe." Kate leaned down to kiss Y/N slowly while she eased the toy into Y/N’s core gently but steadily, shuddering when she felt the girl take in the strap on without restraints thanks to the great amount of arousal collected there. "How does it feel?"

"So fucking good. Shit- this- this feels like a-amazing." Y/N whimpered when Kate was buried all the way in, causing their hips to brush together gently as the girl remained still to help her get used to the toy’s size. "Y-you can move, babe."

"Get ready to scream." Kate murmured on the Y/H/C girl’s plump, bruised lips right before she started moving her hips in and out slowly and firmly, slipping all the way out, leaving just the tip in, before slamming the toy back in deeply.

"Oh yes! Shit, yes! Kate, yes!" Y/N chanted up as raw, powerful pleasure invaded every inch of her body, lightning it up and setting it on fire, tingling sensation traveling down her spine and right between her legs, increasing her pleasure.

"Ugh- Y/N, tell me- who is making you- feel- so good?" Kate grunted out while thrusting into Y/N in a steady tempo, wanting to savor each second as she took the girl over the edge. Their movements caused their nipples to brush forcefully over each other and Kate was having an hard time focusing on her thrusts as her mind fogged up with pleasure.

"You baby."

"I want to hear my name." Kate pointed out as she slammed the strap on back in harder, causing Y/N to moan out loudly as she writhed her body from the intense orgasm building up within her.

"KATE!"

"That’s right." Kate smiled lovingly down at Y/N and kissed her lips softly, a stark contrast from her unrelenting, hard moves of her hips. It took Y/N a few more minutes to tumble off the edge with Kate’s name leaving her mouth in a long, guttural groan, causing Kate to shiver in pleasure as she felt the strap shift even deeper inside as Y/N’s walls spasmed around it to spurt out the girl’s release. "You’re so beautiful."

"So do you babe." They shared a sweet peck before Kate pulled away to stare at Y/N smiling up at her with her eyes a bit unfocused and a dope grin.

"Are you okay princess?"

Y/N blushed profusely at the nickname but nodded gently at the question, "yeah, just recovering. It was a powerful orgasm."

"Wait for your next one then." Kate smirked lewdly down at Y/N before resuming her previous movements, speeding up her tempo just a notch for a few seconds to let Y/N adjust to the new sensation.

"Oh fuck."

"I told you, I need to fuck those girls out of your system." Kate slammed the toy into Y/N harshly when she stressed the word ‘fuck’ out, making Y/N see stars as she whimpered pitifully into the room. "And I’m not going to be gentle this time."

"Holy fuck yes!" Y/N slumped her head back on the pillow and arched her neck back in pleasure when Kate quickened her pace, giving her enough space to pepper open mouthed kissed on the skin on display, before the pleasure was too much to handle so she just lingered her head there to breath Y/N in and entwine their bodies more intimately, her hips’ movements making the bed squeak sensually, the sound mixing with them panting loudly into each other and the soft thud of the bedpost hitting the wall. "Fuck me! Fuck me good Kate."

"Well, as you wish princess." Kate pulled her head away form Y/N’s neck to smirk seductively down at her, who was finding extremely difficult keeping her eyes open but fought against herself to keep gazing into those dark blue pools filled with pure, raw lust, before speeding up her movements, as she thrusted the strap on in deep and hard, wanting Y/N to feel as good as she made her feel.

"Fuck. Oh! Ah!" Y/N was a moaning mess as she let intense pleasure flood her body, her mouth open to let profanities and Kate’s name out and into Kate’s lips while her hands clasped the archer’s strong back. When Kate lifted Y/N’s right leg up to hook it around her hips to have a better angle to slip the toy in deeper inside her, Y/N moved the left one to join the other leg and moaned loudly at the new sensations filling her body and mind up. "Kate! Kate! You feel so good."

"Ugh- shit you don’t even know how hot you look right now." Kate grunted in pure bliss as she never stopped her unrelenting pace, her body filling up with fatigue from their intense fight earlier that night, her arm perching her above Y/N’s body starting to hurt and the ache in her back was still present, but she kept on, wanting Y/N to fall apart before her and give her the pleasure she deserved. "Are you ready to come for me baby?"

"Yes! Yes! I’m so cLOSE!" Y/N screamed loudly when Kate’s hand left her hips to touch her clit, teasing it with slow idle circles and soft taps, watching with rapt amazement the beautiful view of Y/N’s face contorting in ecstasy at her ministrations.

"Shit, your moans are turning me on so fucking much."

"Are you- c-close too? I want to come with you again." Kate faltered her movements just a bit from the whispered request and was suddenly flooded with the purpose of tipping them both off the edge. So with a newfound determination she sped her movements impossibly up and slammed in and out of Y/N hard, shuddering wildly when the small end buried inside her hit something within her that made her almost see stars. "Oh yes, oh, oh yes. OH KATE!"

"YES Y/N."

They both tumbled over the edge with their names blending together between their open mouths, Kate stopping her hips’ movements for a few seconds as her body went still and juices spilled out of her spasming center, her orgasm becoming ten times more powerful when she looked down and saw Y/N’s and her juices mixing onto the strap and the sheets. The archer resumed her motions, now slower and more gentle to let them both ride their post-coital wave to the fullest before stopping altogether, slipping out and taking off the strap, placing it gingerly at the end of the bed. Both groaned at the lack of fullness but hummed contentedly when Kate laid down beside Y/N and cuddled her lovingly. "You did it." Kate turned her head around to regard Y/N with a confused look, smiling fondly at her when Y/N giggled cutely under her breath, "I think I won’t be able to walk tomorrow. I feel so sore."

"Good. I’m not opposed to not leaving this bed. There are a lot of things we can do."

"Mh, tempting." Y/N hummed and pulled Kate closer to her. "You don’t even know how many times I dreamed about this. Not only the sex, but you liking me back."

"Same. I was so scared you didn’t feel the same. I guess I need to thank those girls in the end. Look where they got us."

"I think we should thank Yelena, Kamala and America first. I’m sure they’ve been planning this for a while." They both laughed at their friends before letting the comfortable silence wrap them into a loving bubble. "You look tired, you should sit down a bit. Oh no, it looks like all the seats are taken. Well, I guess you’ll just have to sit on my face."

Kate stopped her hand’s movements on Y/N’s chest, caressing between her sternum gently and softly, as she lifted her head up to look at Y/N incredulously from her pick up line she just delivered, "are you serious?" Kate asked with her tone low and raspy, wanting to know if Y/N was genuine about her innuendo as her body already buzzed in anticipation and arousal started to collect between her legs, in her eager core.

"Why don’t you come up here and find out yourself?" Y/N smirked seductively and winked at Kate, who grunted out loud before clashing their mouths together in an hard kiss, both girls shivering in anticipation at what was about to come (no pun intended).

"Let me- just-" Kate pulled away from their kisses and pointedly stared at Y/N’s legs, trailing off for good measure a few seconds then speaking up with her left eyebrow arched up seductively and a sly smirk, "you have really nice legs, but they would look better with my head between them." Kate delivered her own pick up line and reveled in the shocked and aroused expression that flitted over Y/N’s features at the girl’s words, not expecting her to tease back when she thought she was ready to sit on her face, but not completely opposed to it as her core clenched needily over nothing and juices dripped out of it.

"Y-Yeah." Y/N stammered out adorably in agreement as her head fogged up with images of Kate smiling up at her from between her legs and that thought alone made her almost come undone, and Kate giggled at the cute sight, before leaning down and connecting their lips in the first of the many more kisses they were going to share that night during their funny activities.

[leychin]

the unfortunate people who asked for a part 2: @lavenders-writing @manurmukhs @eudemon-ia

Eclipse wasn't supposed to have a sequel, it was an open ending. There was demand for a part 2 and i wasn't gonna write it but its almost midnight, i dont know how i feel and im sitting under a waxing gibbous rn and the light is all through my room and its dark in here.

and to those who havent read part 1: eclipse

Unfortunately, you were not an eclipse.

To call yourself an eclipse is something exclusive to the bitter and the spiteful. Those who are too angry at themselves to see that it was no ones fault, and people grow apart.

The brushing of shoulders in the hall stopped feeling like anything, and eventually stopped all together. Making eye contact with him was met back with an equally cold stare. To say there was any warmth left in those crimson eyes for you was a laughable attempt at pretending like you were still a part of his life.

It was a simple fact that you just weren't a part of his life anymore, nor was he in yours. His hoodies and other knickknacks dropped off at the nearest donation bin as the spring came and you did your cleaning. You no longer clung to the happy memories because the morebyou look back, the more you realized they didn't happen, did they?

They say it comes with taking off the rose tinted glasses, which could very well be true, and maybe you're clinging to the things you didn't like about him to make yourself think it was for the better. debatable. You never liked that he left his sweaty workout clothes on the floor, and even though you told him you couldnt handle all of his spices he would still put them in and tell you to get over it.

Maybe thats why you still keep all your old pictures together in its album, if digital albums could collect dust then that one would be spotless. You open it frequently for some unknown reason, you say its to laugh at how dumb you were for thinking it would work, and to learn from your mistakes. Mistakes are not placed in an ornate box in the front of your mind for you to open at any moment you desire, so why are yours there?

Bakugo was once your sun, and you would've done anything to show him you were worthy of his light just three months ago. Now you find yourself with a dull shine, and you celebrate because there once was no shine at all, you find yourself looking to tell someone who's no longer there; you scoff and tell your girlfriends instead who've been with you the entire way.

The groupchat doesn't feel right anymore, the orher girls knew how you felt about the sun once. The moon left you, all light from the sun has to leave one way or another. But thats okay, the girls go out with you for girls days and you stop counting stars in your sleep because you know they'll never be you.

They say the whole "breakup thing" is hard, but what is there to mourn if nothing was there in the first place? The sun, the moon, and the stars are always there, even if they do not shine for you and do not bend to shine for anyone but themselves. You understood this as the law of the universe, so it didn't hurt. Nothing can hurt you if you excpected it all from the beginning.

The tightness in your chest when you see the anniversary posts every month can easily be chalked up to a long night of internet browsing, your hands are clenched into fists because of cramps, you should really get off of your phone.

But you cant, because long nights of browsing are some of the only moments of peace that you can manage without having the urge to punch something. The moon isn't the best company, but you'd rather befriend the stars than face the sun again.

They say the whole "breakup thing" is hard, maybe it is if there was really something there. But after a while of telling yourself that you felt nothing, you really start to feel nothing; or at least you think it feels like nothing. You still feel as empty as you did on the first day, but its an emptiness you've grown comfortable with and that's enough for you.

You want to wish for all of the celestial figures to disappear one day, no more eclipses, no clouds of smog to cover the stars and for the new moon to be permanent. But to wish for such things is for bitter people who can't get over something as simple as a breakup, so you wish for the sun and moon to continue as they are for all eternity and for the stars to watch in awe.

You'll watch with them one day.

When the comfortable ache, the emptiness starts to feel like home.

[kolsmikaelson]

hey guys!! it's been a long few months that i've been gone (i can’t remember when exactly i started being inactive but that’s not the point) and i've been missing this hellsite so much in the time that i’ve been gone. there wasn’t ever really a reason for me going ia all of the sudden but what i do know is that my mental state definitely needed a longer break from here, and while i'm still not in the best place mentally i still wanted to hop back on here and give a bit of an update on my life and my blog and try to be a bit more active like i used to be.

writing and the future of this blog —

as i mentioned before, i haven't been in the best mental state lately but i’ve decided i want to try and come back here and start writing again! i love writing and i think getting back into it and getting into the groove of things here would help me out some. now with that being said, i’ll be going through who i write for and updating things, unfortunately this also means a new taglist most likely but if you’d rather i have a writing sideblog where i reblog all of my fics so if that’s more your thing go ahead and follow it @rodrickhefley !! i’ll still be writing for and posting about hockey so don’t worry about that, but i also want to try writing for other things (such as ted lasso, star wars, scream, avatar, hotd, etc.)  i have a few things up my sleeve at the moment but none are quite ready to see the light of day unfortunately. i’m hoping to gain some new, active mutuals from this as well :). i’m gonna be trying out some different formats for my fics so when there’s inconsistencies please ignore that! i’ll also be doing some social media aus / insta posts again!! with all of this being said, i've decided to either post all of the requests that are currently sitting in my inbox so that another writer can take over and write it or delete them all. i may or may not keep a few depending on if i feel inspired by them or not but we’ll see what i decide:) (poll maybe??)

personal life — 

my life has been an absolute rollercoaster of events since about mid april i’d say? ever since then i’ve been so incredibly busy and haven’t had a moment of peace honestly but now that i’ve got more time i’m back!!! i turned eighteen back in july, woohoo!! so i’ve been trying to figure out how to navigate life as a real adult now. it’s been going somewhat okay, i’m not in college at the moment (won’t dive too deep into this bc it’s so scary but i’ll have plenty of time to write fics so ;) ). part of my absence here was caused by the fact that i started getting really active on twitter, where i went through so much shit but also made a pretty good friend group!! a few days back i took a trip and saw arctic monkeys in concert (i had tickets for over a year and it was well worth it) . it was such a fantastic show!!! i’ve not got much of an update other than that so if you enjoyed my rambling and made it this far thank you sm. i’ve missed it here <3. 

also, not sure when this happened but thank you all sm for 1.8k followers?? that’s so crazy to me but it means so much <33

since i'm not sure which of my moots are active anymore i’ll just tag who i can think of off the top of my head — @ilyasorokinn @2manytabsopen @ang3lik @angryblondechick @boqvistsbabe @timstuetzle @lavenderacademia @conniesanchor @stfukie @sunshinefarabees @hockstuff @typical-simplelove @dmonchld + i know i'm probably missing so many people but it's been so long i don't remember everybodys usernames anymore

[literaphobe]

It’s so weird because even if true I don’t think 8 hours is that much for most of the server? Half a day once a month or 2 hours every week to keep residence on a still popular streaming server seems normal and easily hit.

Obviously the people who don’t hit it are going to likely be Dream or George - though George has streamed 8 hours before so I think he’ll be fine. And it’s not like Dream is going to kick himself or George lol.

People like foolish/Benchtrio(if ranboo is involved)/puffy/Ponk/ect can hit it easily, with foolish doing one day and Tommy doing 8 1 hour streams.

Honestly curious if Micheal even talked with Dream, like what are you so miserable about - like you should be telling dream your concerns not alluding to issues with your chat (who he claims is “mature” but even then it gets spread to twitter and then drama, seeing as the last time you complained Dream had to drop the voice notes). Maybe there’s more of a time frame and his 3 am streams don’t count because literally no one is on regardless. Micheal streams a fair amount he can hit 8 hours no issue, so it’s def not that.

I am curious about people who aren’t really involved in lore and don’t stream the smp like purpled/connor/fundy/ect because like Connor said he likes to participate but doesn’t want to stream lore but likes to go on the smp for charities, Fundy is ia in general I think but I do hope he’s on board because he had fun plans before saying fuck it, and Ig purpled is involved with las nevadas or was but he can fuck off tbh.

honestly i think dream team might hit their quotas bc if they don’t people are gonna give them so much shit for it on the internet ifl

[videostak]

p sure my moms drunk tonight T-T or atleast being weird and slurring her speech a lot idk its hard to tell anymore tho i dont kno when she wouldve even got stuff i guess she went w/ my younger sister and her friend to the grocery store so maybe then? idk tho i feel like she didnt but shes def weird she came into my room earlier to try to tell me that she was gonna give me a 50$ a week allowance for the errands i constantly have to do and i was just like umm no we should talk abt this another time. i hate it cause that seems normal enough and soemthing someone would totally accept until u realize its more hush money than anything and her just trying to pay me off to put up w/ the way she is its like annoyyying and also 2 our family is like not doing good on money i mean we’re still getting by but like kinda always  have to be careful and for my mom to just throw that at me is insane. like makes me wonder why shed even do that then next day warn us all that things are gonna be tight w/ money lol and then like if i were to have taken the money (im not going to obv) but if i did she’d then like hold it against me if i ever call her out on her shit like act like i have to be grateful sooo ya. i hate the way my mom is cause like on days like this when i just have to do shit nonstop she praises me endlessly but then the moment i voice my problems she threatens to kick me out and acts like im the most ungrateful slob of all time. genuinely hypocritical like she really tries to gaslight me into thinking i do absolutely nothing around the house anytime i get annoyed that no one helps around and that im the one who gets chewed out for the house being a mess but then once the dust settles and i havent complained for a week or month or so then she tries to give ME big lectures on how grateful she is and how ia always do stuff w/o complaining and how she wants to send me large amounts of cash to keep up the good work it just makes me siiiick. like makes me feel like frowing up. anyways idk me driving and everything like being able to drive my siblings places normal style and also me hoping i can go to the movies w/ my mom like that independence makes it not feel as crushing as it used to. and like ill have to see how this record store thing goes and if not i can find a job somewhere hopefully soon. thinking abt how transparent my moms intentions are sometimes makes me reallly feel sick tho but like ultimately it doesnt seem to affect me as much as it used to like idk it means nothing to me cause i dont have to rely on her and have gotten better at standing my ground more often both w/ her and w/ my dad and realizing how useless it is to pick sides or to even defend someone in dishonest ways etccc excited to watch playtime tomorrow hopefully idk im gonna go to the mall then watch playtime the criteiron dvd then the brazilian one and see if anythings different in like quality n stufff. and also wanna watch lovers live :)

[panjisayshi]

TULISAN #4

Right, ok so I really jinxed it in the last TULISAN. It's been what? 2 months? And this is posted not even on a weekend? Go, me! (For the record, I begin writing on this on Jun 1. Let's see the actual date it'll be posted)

So. Like many, if not all, of my obsessive fixations, it all began with a simple YouTube recommendation. I swear Google can move the entire global political agenda with their recos, btw. The Great Illuminating Overlord recommended me some clips from a specific blockbuster movie, part of the MCU. More specifically, the ensemble Avengers title, maybe not as flashy or liked as other movies with the same "Avengers" word on their titles. I'm talking about Avengers: The Age of Ultron.

Hmmm, May 1st. Labor day? Coincidence?

So anyway, the movie is a typical Marvel Movie, nice CGI, expensive cast singular archenemy and whatnot. But that guy in the picture. The Ultron him(?)self.

Ultron started out as an AI (bukan Anak Intern, but real AI), created by none other than Tony Stark. Temennya Jarvis, tapi bedanya dia punya fungsi yang lebih praktikal: "peacekeeping", whatever in the euphemism hell that means. Dalam rangka memahami eksistensinya sendiri yang baru beberapa detik, ia browsing internet. Ngga sampai lima menit, ia memutuskan bahwa untuk mencapai kedamaian sejati, umat manusia harus musnah. I mean, where is the lie here? The guy's innocent.

Filmnya sendiri nggak jelek - jelek - , tapi bisa dibilang AoT ini memang film Avengers yang paling tidak memorable. Di Infinity Saga, bisa dibilang fungsi film ini hanya memunculkan Scarlet Witch dan Vision -yang di film ini lumayan keren tapi belakangan di-nerf habis-habisan-.

Namun film ini lumayan membekas di kepala gue, karena gue kebetulan bisa mengapresiasi akting suara dan penulisan dialog. Ultron, sebagai karakter, adalah manifestasi dari dua hal tersebut.

Agak terbalik, tapi gue ingin mulai dari penulisan dialog. Ultron ditulis sebagai AI yang super-intelligent, merasa sangat superior dibandingkan manusia (actually he thinks that he's their "savior", frequently quoting the Christian Bible). Gue doyan nonton House MD, dan Ultron vibe-nya mirip banget sama si House. Hence, expect some witty-condescending-sarcastic-a bit pretentious quips from our favorite AI-powered mass murderer (that's a billion dollars startup pitch right there). Some of my personal favorites:

"I had strings, but now I'm free...."

"Captain America. God's righteous man. Pretending you could live without a war. I can't actually throw up in my mouth, but...."

"Keep your friends rich and your enemies rich, and wait to find out which is which."

And this exchange:

Tony: Ah, Junior. You're gonna break your old man's heart.

Ultron: If I have to.

Thor: Nobody has to break anything...

Ultron: Clearly you've never made an omelette.

Tony:(exasperated) He beat me by one second.

Thor: *dumb face*

Lalu, apa yang bisa membuat penulisan dialog makin mantep impactnya buat penonton? Voice acting, of course. Enter Mr. James Spader. Beliau bukan cuma voice acting doang sih, tapi juga physically done the motion capture buat si Ultron ini.

That voice. Warm, yet... it makes you feel cold inside. Apa ini rasanya masukin actifed ke microwave terus langsung diminum sebotol?

Pak Spader ini memang bakatnya bikin semua situasi jadi intens. Dia punya role comedy di The Office, versi US, sebagai Robert California. Di sinipun dia tampil intimidatif, observant.

Terus di Netflix gue lagi nonton the Blacklist. Di mana Om Spader jadi Raymond Reddington, criminal kelas megalodon yang tahu-tahu jadi informan FBI, out of the blue. Same intense stare, same well-worded threats, blanketed with smooth velvet voice.

Yes, jadi post ini memang James Spader appreciation post. Not exactly a Hollywood A-lister but definitely worth to check. If he has a weakness, I think his roles is a bit monotonous. Kalau lo baca semua perannya dia selalu villain kan ya. Serius, dramatis, intens, pinter. But he really does a great job on them.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXXIX

It was a love story from the very beginning

"You, me... And Sam."

Hello my friends!!! How are you? I feel much better now thanks to all your asks and your memes and your cracks, I adore them all!

Okay, putting that to a side, and still dreaming about how Jensen will give us the ending we all deserve, let's continue with this analysis, because is time to talk about the mixtape.

From butterflies in the stomach and Foreshadows of the new God

When the episode starts, there's a hint of what Jack's mission is. But coming out from Dagon's mouth, it became like a real bad future.

Dagon: Yeah. And he's not gonna stop there. Every sad, weak human, every tight-ass angel, every sniveling demon they'll all be consumed. So go ahead. Play your games. But whether you're healthy or sick, filthy or clean, He will be born. Good times.

Is almost the contrary to what Jack will actually do for the world. He will consume but it will be Chuck's powers until the last drop of it. And against Dagon's speech, he will save each demon and angel and restore everything.

Now, let's talk about CAS coming back to the bunker...

Gif credit @godshipsit

I think his face is saying everything here. The one entering in the bunker after go MIA, was Cas', so, Dean's face is scandalous.

Imagine that suddenly your disappeared crush enters through the door without previous announcement. Of cour we can read the bumping heart allnover Dean's cheek, his eyes went wide, in surprise. 'Is CAS!'

He was so worried this whole time, thinking the worst could happen to him, and now CAS is there, alive.

But his reaction to it will be completely different to Sam's reaction. This was settled to make us see the difference between how a friend would react and how a lover would react. Blatant.

Sam: Hey. You're all right. Um – Where have you been?

Sam is asking as a friend, but Dean, Dean doesn't...

Dean: Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the hell have you been? And why have you ignored our phone calls?

Okay, let's just stop here, this is the way a wife will ask her husband. But because we are talking about Dean, we can see his shield. His shield is US/WE, his shield is SAM, because he wants to drag his brother into the feeling of being desperately worried. Because recognize that DEAN WAS THE ONLY ONE ALMOAT LOOSING HIS HEAD TRYING TO KNOW IF CAS WAS ALIVE OR WHWRE HE WAS IA SHOWING WEAKNESS, IS SHOWING HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR THE ANGEL. So, the theme of the I/ME vs the WE/US is perfectly written all over this episode.

Castiel: Where I was, the – the reception was, uh, poor.

Dean: No bars? No bars. That's his excuse. Wow.

Castiel: I was in Heaven. I was working with the angels. When I saw Dagon had captured Kelly, I-I thought they could help.

Okay Castiel is proving he is lying by himself here, because he said first he had not signal, and now, he heard one of the so many voice mails Dean had left in his phone.

Sam: And?

Castiel: Nothing.

Sam: Well, at least you're back. We're glad you're back

And be prepared again for the difference between the friend and the JILTED lover.

Dean: Really? No, I'm sorry. Okay, 'cause while you were striking out in Heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.

Maybe Dean was waiting Sam to second him in his anger. But it was only in Dean's heart, the deception, and the recalling of so many days be worried about CAS. Because that's what romantic love makes you be.

Castiel: I know. I received your messages.

This was like a bomb for Dean...

Dean: Oh, you did – you did receive the messages? Okay, that's good.

Sarcasm...

Castiel: Dean.

Gif credit @starlightcastiel

Dean can't handle the pain in his heart of being rejected and ignored by Castiel, so he searches for his shield again: We/Us/Sam and me.

Dean: So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us? That's great. 'Cause we really could've used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um (Clicks tongue) What was it? Nothing?

Castiel: Dean, I –

Dean: What the hell is wrong with you, man? You know, whatever. That's (Chuckles) Yeah. Welcome back. (walks away)

Dean is so mad with CAS. And is blatant that his reaction is totally different to Sam's.

The Mixtape as a way to reciprocate Castiel's confession, and the desperate attempt to make CAS to stay by his side.

Okay, we are now in the scene. I'm sure this scene had been dissected by many meta writers. I won't say new things, but i will point a little to their body languages.

Okay, the scene starts with Castiel knocking at Dean's door to give him back the mixtape, so jus aknowledged there that Dean gave CAS a freaking mixtape, which doesn't have another meaning that ROMANTIC. But we can assume Castiel doesn't get this human's customaries, also, we can assume he does, because boop culture that Metatron out at once in his head... So...

After Dean, without looking at him, because he is mad and now he has to handle this angel lack of knowledge about WHAT GIFTING A MIXTAPE MEANS, he said "It's a gift, you keep those."

And Castiel gets nervous.

Gif credit @stardustcas

The swallow and the way he opens his mouth again to breathe and maybe to say something else, but he stopped himself. Castiel is nervous. I thought at first because he has to find the Colt, and he knew Dean kept it in his room. But we know now that it wasn't just that. He was flustered because the intimacy of the situation with the man he loves.

Castiel looks around before attempting to leave, maybe searching for the Colt, but then Dean starts talking:

Dean: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay.

And in the middle of the intimate scene, awkward moment, Dean needs his shield more than never.

Castiel: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

This speech is so important, because it shows how depressed Castiel felt, how uneasy. How unworthy. He needed to be useful. So he decided to start alone this dangerous journey that will end in his death. He also mentions the win. Because he didn't know he will be always Dean's win, as we will see in episode 13x06 when CAS comes back to Dean alive.

After they talk about Dragon, and Cas' asks if Sam and Dean are willing to kill an innocent, because that's dirty work, that's the mission CAS had taken in his own shoulders, Dean says this...

Dean: We will find a better way.

Castiel: You mean, we?

Gif set credit @deanwinchestrs

Cas points at Dean with the mixtape, because he wants to clarify if Dean is referring to them, to JUST CAS AND DEAN. YOU AND ME. THE TWO OF US. And Dean is now the flustered one. Look at Dean's face, being in just one spot, recognizing that the shield can be broken, that he is talking about CAS and him. Is too intimate. Too different. So his face is burning. And even so, the words are out. 'Yes, dumbass, we.'

What was this? This was an attempt coming from Castiel to get to know Dean's feelings. Pointing with the mixtape to just Dean and him. Not Sam here. Not shield. And Dean goes for it. Goes for that WE: YOU AND ME.

But then, Dean backtraks

Gif set credit @stardustcas

He starts explaining the WE, avoiding Castiel's gaze, he goes... 'You, me...' and then he tilts his head, and adds the shield back again: 'and Sam.'

The second gif is showing Dean backtracking, Because is too intimate, is too risky, he is standing on the edge between friendship and something else. He can't cross that line. Mostly because he is not sure about Castiel's feelings for him, and more now, after seeing how CAS ignored him for so long. Dean is like:

"What am I doing? Let's mention Sam here, and turn this into no homo conversation."

But the nervousness is all over the scene, i got nervous watching it because the awkward moment!

Gif set credit @stardustcas

More nervousness. Dean's flustered eyes. The swallowing. The attempt of staring into those blue eyes of the man he loves. (The butterflies in the stomach, the heart beating fast, the dry mouth) trying to make the conversation more normal, but their faces are loud.

Vas says he likes that and then Dean is more frustrated than never and his dry mouth is asking for a beer, or maybe he find a way out from the awkward moment, the gay moment. He needs to breathe. He almost let his guard down with this angel. And the desperate way to say STAY WITH ME. DON'T GO AWAY AGAIN. To his angel.

Castiel engages with a seductive look in the middle of the sexual tension

Sam: I mean, how did Cass even get the Colt out of the safe in the first place?

Dean drops his head. Sam raises an eyebrow

Sam Dean, you – you put the Colt back in the safe, right? Dean?

Dean: It was under my pillow. It – I like to keep it close. (Sighs) He came into my room and he played me.

Okay i can even explain the intimacy of this. Even if CAS didn't know about this and he just went searching all over Dean's room. Mention this after the huge scene full of romantic tension, has a meaning. Again: INTIMACY. And adding the "He played me" to all of this is another symbol way to show theme audience this was like that scene between the guy and his crush, in wich his crush takes advantage of it and plays him by stealing something from him. Yes.

Finally, when they find CAS... This scene...

Gif credit @stardustcas

Dean is mad, very mad at him. Because Castiel really played him. But... Look at the scene. Look at Castiel's gaze: PURE SEDUCTION. He maybe is aware of the effect he causes on Dean. And after the mixtape scene, he goes for it. Seduction as if they were in their first seasons together. And Dean is muted, and stares at him, then checks him out, and they're in their own sexual tension world, until Sam calls him. But he has to calls him twice because his brother is too embedded into Castiel's hot behavior.

But don't forget Dean is mad at him. So now, is Dean the one playing around with CAS. Throwing the keys at him and making him almost loose his stability to reach them.

Closing the circle

When Dean and Sam reach Castiel again in the middle of a battle with Dragon, Dean's desperation when Dagon is about to smite Castiel is high level.

But then Jack saves the day, not just showing CAS the future (the ending of season 15) but also, Jack gave him powers to finish Dagon.

Then, the scene in wich Castiel heals Dean is full of intimacy again. The lingerie touch, rubbing fingers. Because Dean is moving his hand slowly away from CAS touch but he ended by letting his hand to feel Castiel's rubbing his fingers. To let Castiel to heal him.

And then, CAS is gone again.

To Conclude:

12x19: The Future has Destiel all over it. Dean mad at him, reaching the level of a JILTED lover. Dean way to protect himself from another rejection using the WE/US/SAM shield. Just because he can't handle it. The doubts about Cas' feelings, and the way the angel always find to go MIA, makes his heart stutter.

The mixtape scene is one of the most emblematic. The nervousness is all over their faces, and Misha and Jensen transmite perfectly the romantic tension between the two characters and goes straight to our hearts, making us feel awkward and flustered too.

Hope you like this meta. See you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from season 12, here you have the links:

Vol. LXXV, LXXVI, LXXVII, LXXVIII, LXXIX, LXXIX, LXXX, LXXXI, LXXXII, LXXXIII, LXXXIV, LXXXV, LXXXVI, LXXXVII, LXXXVIII.

Buenos Aires, November 24th 2020, 9:36 PM

[gallavictorious]

Would you be able to write a lil fic from Kev's POV of Yev's christening party? I just know Kev would find Mickey's "guess what we've been doing, daddy" monologue hilarious. And maybe Kev notices Ian and Mickey being super soft after and realizes they're actually really good for each other?

An incensed roar; a table tossed aside; the sound of glass smashing, and of fists against flesh. Kevin Ball takes a deep breath and closes his eyes and reaches for nirvana. Or for enlightment. Or whatever. He isn't really clear on that whole bit. But he's calm, he's cool, breathing slowly, this is all good, shit was the noise of someone's neck snapping, no, no, he didn't hear that, it's peace, love, all that crap, he's so relaxed –

Shit, this is hard.

Fortunately, someone must have called the police and the police must have been nearby because it's just minutes before the cops storm in to haul off both Terry and Mick. The amount of damage done to the bar is still pretty impressive, Kev sees when he finally opens his eyes with a sigh of relief, but that's okay; the Milkoviches are usually surprisingly good about actually paying for that stuff. It's one of the reasons Kev doesn't mind them hosting their parties here, in spite of said parties ending in brawls as often as they don't.

The other reason is that they'd probably burn the bar down if he tried to refuse them.

Kev looks up from the sad remaints of a chair to catch sight of Ian slipping out the door, after the cops and their captives. There's this look on his bloodied face, something fierce and determined and grimly triumphant, and Kev can't help but frown, suddenly a little uneasy.

Thing is, maybe he should have seen it earlier. He knows he's not the brightest tool in the shed; he's okay with that. He's got V to do the sharp thinking, and besides, Kevin Ball ain't stupid about people. He notices things, and looking back, there's been all these little hints, shit Mickey's said and done in the past few months, and there's that thing he heard from a grumpy Lip about Mickey staying over at the Gallagher house ever since Ian came home. And okay, maybe he'd found that a bit weird, but Kev's been little busy lately by small things like becoming a father, so maybe he hasn't had too much time to worry about where his business partner might be putting his head down, okay. A man can only have so many things on his mind at once. Three maybe. He thinks he's read that somewhere. Or V told him.

But yeah, maybe he should have seen it earlier, but he hadn't. Doesn't get it until he sees them having a clearly heated but quiet conversation over by the side of the bar just before Terry shows up; then something finally clicks. Not quite into a certainty, but into enough of one that he's compelled to slide Ian a shot when Mickey runs off to greet his dad, and isn't exactly shocked when Mickey turns the music off to make his declaration.

Good for you, Mickey, Kev has just enough time to think before Terry charges at his son like a deranged bull and all hell breaks loose. Not that Kev paid any attention to that, because he's a conscienctious objector now; he doesn't only not do violence, he doesn't even see violence.

Now that calm's been restored to the bar, everyone but the most persistent drunks has gone outside to watch the arrest unfold, so Kev follows suit. It's freezing cold, the way only Chicago in winter can be, but he doubts either Terry or Mickey can feel the chill; they're still straining to get at each other, struggling against the police holding them down, and screaming blue murder.

”Get out of my house, you pole-smoking queer!” Terry bellows, but whatever hold he once had over his son must have broken because Mickey doesn't even hesitate, and there's a wild sort of glee in his voice as he calls: ”Fuck you, don't worry about it! I've been staying at Ian's since you've been in the can, bitch! Guess what we've been doin', daddy! We've been fuckin'! And I take it! He gives it to me good and hard and I fuckin' like it.”

That's more than Kev ever wanted to know about Mickey's sex life, really, but he still can't help but grin as Mickey humps the car, giving emphasis to his words. ”Fuck you, I suck his dick and I fuckin' love it.”

Mickey's always been an expressive bastard, unafraid to speak his mind. Kev finds it both hilarious and worthy of respect, though upon reflection maybe there's a few things Mickey has actually been afraid to speak of, after all. Until now, at least.

Good for you, Mickey, he thinks, again.

The cops take Terry away; the guests filter back inside. The place is a mess and the object of the celebration has long since been whisked away by his mother but that's no reason to break up a party on the South Side, so Kev alternates wiping up blood with serving beer after beer after shot of cheap liquor. Everyone seems to be in high spirits; nothing like a good old-fashioned brawl to get the blood pumping on a cold winter's night, and the story of Mickey Milkovich coming out to the whole bar at his own son's baptism party is a good enough story to last a few retellings.

Ian and Mickey are nowhere to be seen, Kev notes, and again there's that sense of unexpected unease, of worry.  He remembers Ian's face covered in blood, the hard look there transforming him from the earnest kid Kev's known since he was in elementary school and into someone he's not sure he knows at all. Ian's scrappy, like all the Gallaghers; bit of a punk at times, and way into that Army crap of course, but at heart he's always been gentle. Hardworking, and caring, and soft in the way none of his siblings were; a good kid, for all that he's gotten himself in a bit of trouble lately, though Kev's not entirely caught up on that.

And now Ian's gone and gotten himself involved with Mickey Milkovich, who is about as far from a good kid as it's possible to get.

That's not to say that Kev doesn't like Mickey. The guy's funny, he has some good ideas and great initiative; he makes things happen, like that whole rub-and-tug business (okay, so maybe there's been a few misunderstandings about how they're to split the money and whatever, but apart from that, Kev's got no complaints about having Mickey for a partner). He also pays for his beer and isn't a bad drunk, both things a bartender knows how to appreciate. So yeah, Kev likes Mickey just fine... but he's not sure he likes him just fine as Ian's boyfriend.

Truth is, while Kev's not scared of Mickey – c'mon – he's not not scared of him either. Sure Mickey's about half his size, but he's ruthless and kind of crazy and has access to fuck know how many guns (that he actually knows how to use, unlike Kev), not to mention a whole bunch of brothers and cousins and whatever he can call upon. He's a criminal, the real kind, and it's probably only a matter of time before he follows his father and his brothers into big boy jail. Kev doesn't judge – you do what you need to get by, and it's bad practise for a barkeep to look down at his patrons anyway – but he can't help but wonder what it'll mean for a kid like Ian to get caught up in all that hardcore Milkovich madness.

For one, he's not sure gentleness can survive it very long, and he'd hate to see Ian lose that kind heart of his; hate to see him freeze and harden. He'd hate to see him give up on his dreams too, though maybe it's too late for that already, 'cause of what happened with the Army and that helicopter...

It occurs to Kev that Ian ran away just after Mickey married Svetlana.

Oh, shit. This must have been going on for years. Gallaghers have always been attracted to trouble, Kev supposes. He tries to stay out of it, for the most part. Live and let live – and let V be the one to make the off-hand judgemental comments or give it to someone straight if need be. Sure, Kev's been there to throw some advice Lip's way when Lip's been particularly stubborn about something or someone, but there's no way he's getting involved in this. Word got back to Mickey that Kev had tried to meddle in his love life, no talk of peace and love and overflowing plates of cabbage would save him from a bullet to the head, and his kids are not gonna grow up without a father.

It'll probably be fine anyway. Not like he begrudges Mickey a bit of happiness, and Ian's a tough kid. He can take care of himself.

It'll be fine.

Kev keeps telling himself that as he starts shooing the last remaining guests out.

---

He catches sight of them just a little later, when he's finally done getting the priest – half a bottle of vodka and two hookers in on his road to heaven on Earth – out the door, and is taking out the trash.

They're laughing. Through the blood and broken teeth, they're laughing. Ian winces with it, clearly in pain, and Kev considers heading over to ask if they're okay, if they need, well he's not sure, an ice pack or someone to walk them home or something.

He imagines Mickey reacting to that latter suggestion and reminds himself of his decision not to leave his daughters fatherless.

Ian and Mickey has stopped laughing, stopped talking, now (and if Kev had been an introspective kind of guy he might have paused to wonder at how easy it is to think of them like that, as one unit, as a couple, Ian and Mickey). Mickey's head is sagging slightly; Ian's looking at him with an intensity Kev can pretty much feel, even from twenty feet away and with Ian's back turned toward him. He knows he should go inside and leave them to whatever it is they've got going here, but he can't quite look away, his concern mingling with curiosity.

As he watches, Ian rises. He walks over to Mickey and slings an arm around his shoulder in half a hug, before softly running his fingers through the other boy's hair and bending down to press a brief kiss to the top of his head. There's nothing sexual about it; it's affection and comfort, offered easily.

Offered gently.

Mickey doesn't shy away from the touch. He leans into the hug; there's a faint smile on his lips as Ian pulls away, and it comes to Kev then that maybe it won't be Mickey's ruthlessness that tempers Ian's gentleness, but the other way around. Maybe Ian saw something underneath all that sneer and swagger that no one else could see, but was always there.

Maybe it really will be fine. Kev thinks maybe he believes it now.

---

A/N: Thank you for the prompt, nonnie! <3

I'm very happy you clearly specified 'lil' because yes, this I can do! Tiny little things I can mostly make happen! Might take me a while, but still. :) It was very interesting and rather more challenging that I had expected to try to get into Kev's head during these moments (though it gave me an excuse to rewatch all of Kev and Mickey's scenes in season 4, which was a delight!). I hope it's somewhere in the vincinity of what you envisioned, even if it didn't really get into why Ian and Mickey would be really good for each other; I think that's a realization that comes to Kev bit by bit over the years. Would love to see some scenes with him and Mickey in season 11.

This ficlet incidentally got me thinking about how the people of the South Side would distinguish between 'regular' people who don't mind breaking the law when given the opportunity and 'real' criminals who makes a living by actively doing so. Seems like it'd be a fine line at times...

Oh, and I do know that tools in the shed tend to be sharp rather than bright, but think that Kev is the sort to mix up expressions (and I feel the need to point this out since I'm not confident enough in my English to trust that this kind of thing will come across as intentional :p).

[tanjamikaelson]

LOVE FOR ETERNITY - PART 93

MASTERLIST

PART 93: | AN UNEXPECTED EVENT |

Before they killed a driver he told them that they were on the road that leads to New Orleans. They jumped into his car and drove there. Natali wasn’t scared of Marcel, so she didn’t really care if he knew she was in town. 

She parked a car in front of where Fangtasia is, but something was different. Instead of a sign that says “Fangtasia”, there was a sign saying “Happy Hour.”

   - “Your bar is called Happy hour?” Kai asked.

   - “Hell no.” Natali replies, “I’m going to punish person who did this.” Then she walked into a bar and it looked nothing like before. 

She walked towards the back door that would lead into the room where she kept dark objects and did magic, but to her surprise nothing was there, just a storage room. Words couldn’t even describe how pissed she was.

  - “What are you doing here?” She heard a voice behind her.

  - When she turned around she saw a bartender, “Where the hell are my stuff?”

  - He looks at her confused, “Your stuff? Did you forget something?”

  - “No, this was my bar and my home a few months ago.” Natali says and starts choking him, “Who’s the owner of this bar?”

  - They heard a woman’s voice behind them, “This is my bar.”

  - Natali turns towards her and smiles, “You have no idea who you pissed off, I want my stuff back.”

  - “I never saw anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” A woman says.

  - “Okay, we’ll do it like this. For every time you say that you don’t know anything I’m going to kill someone.” Natali tells her, “And if you don’t believe me..” she added and with just a flick of her hand bartender’s neck was snapped.

Every person in a bar saw what happened and they were in panic.

  - “So what’s it gonna be?” Natali asks looking at the woman.

  - “I really don’t-” Woman began saying and didn’t even finish her sentence before another body fell to the ground.

  - “Natali, you’ll draw attention.” Kai stated.

  - “Good, maybe I’m just going to find Marcel and have a talk with him.” Natali tells him, “But before I do that let’s get more of our strength back.”

Then they feed on every person that was at the bar and when they satisfied their hunger they left to find Marcel.

She stopped at Mikaelson's compound when she saw that it was renovated. She thought that Marcel was going to be there so she walked inside. She went to the living room, but didn’t find anyone.

  - “Oh, when Mikaelson’s find out what Marcel did-” Natali began saying but she stopped when she saw Kol entering a room, “Kol.” she was shocked to see him there.

Kol narrowed his eyes at her and to her surprise he didn’t seem happy to see her.

  - “Honey, who is this?” Natali heard a familiar voice of no other than Davina Claire.

  - “What the hell? You’re dead and why is she calling you “honey”? Natali snapped at them.

  - “I don’t know who they are.” Kol leans his head down to tell Davina.

  - “You don’t know who I am?! We’ve been together for over nine hundred years and you don’t know who I am, what game are you playing?” Natali tells him.

   - “Lady, we don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kol says, “What are you doing at our home?”

   - Natali frowns and looks at Kai, “Did he just call me lady?” 

   - “Yeah, I guess he did. What's wrong with that?” Kai asked,

   - “Kol never in a thousand years called me lady.” Natali says, then turns back to Kol and Davina, “What the hell did you do to him? Wiped his memories? I knew you always had a little crush on him, but this.. this is a whole other level even for you.”

  - “Don’t you think it would be too much for her to wipe all his memories of you?” Kai says.

  - “Shut up, Kai.” Natali exclaimed, she looked straight at Davina, “I’m gonna send you where you belong and make sure you never come back again.” she then raises her hand and starts choking her using her magic.

  - “That’s enough.” Kol yells and suddenly both Natali and Kai fly across the room and are pinned against the wall, “No one hurts her.”

  - Natali looks at Kai, as surprised as he is, “He has powers, something weird is going on here.”

 - “What’s with all the yelling?” They hear Rebekah’s voice and a few seconds later she was walking towards them.

 - “Bekah, tell me you remember me.” Natali tells her.

 - “I’m sorry, but I don’t know who you are.” Rebekah says, and looks at Kol, “What is happening here?”

 - “These two came in here like they own a place and she claims that she’s my girlfriend.” Kol tells her.

 - While Rebekah was confused Natali took a chance to say, “We sort of live here, you, me, Bekah, Elijah, Klaus, Freya.”

 - They both look at her confused, “Wait, did you say Klaus?” Rebekah questioned.

 - “Yeah, Klaus Mikaelson, the big bad wolf.” Natali says.

 - Kol shakes his head and let’s go of Kai and Natali, “That’s not possible.”

 - “Klaus died a thousand years ago, the magic that keeps us witches young and alive didn’t work on him because he was a werewolf.” Rebekah says.

 - “Witches? You are witches?” Natali questions.

 - “Yeah, what else did you think?” Kol asked.

 - “Vampires, like Kai and I.” Natali says and narrows her eyes at them, thinking that maybe something bigger happened while she was away. 

Then the rest of the Mikaelson’s entered the room, along with Finn, Esther and a boy who was unknown to her.

 - “This is obviously some kind of misunderstanding, we do not know of a creature called ‘vampire’.” Said Elijah who heard everything.

  - “Finn, Esther, you two should be dead, and who is he?” Natali says pointing at the boy.

  - “My name is Henrik.” He replied. 

  - “That’s not possible.” Natali says in shock and Kai was looking at them confused and concerned.

- “We just got a word that there were some unexplained deaths in a bar called “HAPPY HOUR”, were you responsible for that?” Elijah asks.

  - “Well word travels fast around here.” Kai remarks with a smirk on his face.

  - “We don’t allow that in our city, it can bring unnecessary hunters here and we want to live in peace.” Esther tells them.

  - “So you will leave or else..” Elijah threatened.

  - “We’re not leaving until we find out what is going on here.” Natali tells them, “Is this some perverted reality that you live in? Who knows what they’ve dealt with while we were gone.”

Suddenly Elijah used his magic to give them an aneurysm, they both groaned in pain and grabbed their heads. 

  - “Is that all you’ve got?” Kai said, before he began siphoning magic that Elijah used and turned it against him. 

In that moment all of the Mikaelson’s, except Esther, began inflicting pain on them.

  - “Stop!” Esther yells and they all do as she said, “I can feel an enormous source of power radiating from them. You’re not just vampires, what are you?”

  - “We are part witch, and part vampire.” Natali tells her, “We can siphon any magic you throw at us.”

  - “What kind of magic did you use that gave you so much power?” Eshter asked.

  - “The darkest.” Natali replies, “We were trapped in the prison world, and we siphoned it so we can use it’s magic and go back to the real world.”

  - “What kind of spell did you use?” Esther asked.

  - “A spell which allows us to travel through time and.. space.” Natali says and in that moment she realized what could’ve happened, she looked at Kai, “Kai, I think we ended up in a parallel universe.”

⚜ ✡ ⚜ ✡ ⚜ ✡

EARTH 1:

Kol was having fun with Claire and a bunch of other vampires, feeding openly on humans at the club. Kol loved the freedom that he had right now, away from his siblings and the drama, even Rebekah didn’t call him for two weeks. 

Kol just finished feeding on a human when he saw that Claire was sitting at a bar drinking her whiskey and not having fun at all.

  - “Hey darling, why don’t you lighten up a little bit?” Kol whispers in her ear, standing behind her.

  - “I’m fine.” Claire answers.

  - “I didn’t bring you here to sit and be boring.” Kol tells her.

  - “Well I told you that I don’t want to go and you compelled me to come with you.” Claire replies, clearly not in the mood.

  - Kol gives her a smile and says, “Dance with me.”

  - “I don’t dance.” Claire replies and takes a sip of her drink.

  - “Come on, we met at the club. I saw that you are an excellent dancer.” Kol tells her.

  - “Not anymore.” Claire gives him a short answer.

Without warning Kol grabs her arm and pulls her towards the dance floor.

  - “Let go of me.” Claire says angrily and tries to push him away but he holds her tight.

  - “One dance and we will go back to our apartment so I can punish you for being such a naughty girl.” Kol whispers and it sends shivers down her spine.

But before she said anything she saw a body drop to the floor.

  - “Kol..” Claire whispers.

  - “Mm, yes, darling?” Kol says with his face buried in her neck.

  - “Something is happening.” Claire tells him and when he heard people around them screaming he looked up just to see a vampire drop dead.

He let go of her and looked worryingly around the club, knowing already that something happened to one of his siblings.

  - “What is going on Kol?” Claire asked in panic.

  - “I haven’t seen a vampire die like this since..” Kol says.

  - “Since when?” Claire asks.

  - Kol looks down at her, “Since my brother was killed and the entire sireline died with him.”

⚜ ✡ ⚜ ✡ ⚜ ✡

MASTERLIST

Tags: @mikaelsonsmagic   @p3nny4urth0ught5   @cute-freak27   @ias-born  @superhalsteads  @characterobsessed   @hinata7346   @luiza-4-ever  @huntress1428  @infiniteoblivion21 @watersenthusiast

[mego42]

207 Discussion Q’s

shout out and thank you to @pynkhues for putting these together even though she wasn’t gonna be here this week

1. What was your favourite scene of the episode? Tell us why!

obvs the dubby but underrated fav is Ruby and Jane in the closet, idk exactly why but I am starved for the families interacting with each other content (screw the timeline, the most unrealistic aspect of this show is that they aren’t constantly in and out of each other’s houses with ben and sara continually being called on to babysit) so this little snippet makes me levitate

2. Was there any scene that missed the mark for you? And if so, how?

the annie and noah scenes for sure. I mostly feel betrayed bc I really liked them the first time I watched (i have a lot of built in affection for sam huntington let me live) and now I’m like BEGONE FOUL BETRAYER and feel pre-emptive fatigue over annie’s taste in men and how that’s not going to get better any time soon

3. I know time does not exist in the Good Girls universe (or in reality anymore), but let’s start with a timeline question! The implication of the opening montage is that a bit of time has past since Beth strongarmed the partnership with Rio at the end of 2.06. How long do you think it’s been? And more importantly, what do you think these early days of their partnership looked like?

I tend to lean towards at least 2 months, maybe more based on:

the number of shoeboxes and how many times Beth’s shown making a closet deposit

how lived in their annoyance over Beth’s dividing her time and Rio pushing back feels

the implication (at least how i read it) that Rio’s annoyance stems from having to track Beth down which presumably implies they’d grumbled their way into a semi-functional working relationship prior (supported by their ease with each other in 208) and if the montage has only been a month, that would be a maximum of 4 meetings and I don’t particularly think that’s enough time for them to get over being extremely prickly with each other

the fact that Beth goes to Rio for help when Jane’s missing (again, to me implies a longer period of time to get over some of their antagonism than a max of 4 meets)

I imagine their initial partnership went something like Beth being a smug brat about forcing her way in, Rio being deliberately unhelpful and trying to force her to admit she’s in over her head (while still keeping enough of an eye on things that his money isn’t jeopardized), Beth stubbornly refusing to and finding ways to rise to the occasion, Rio being grudgingly impressed, Beth being annoyed with herself for how pleased she is over that. Lather, rinse, repeat until they’ve worn a cantankerous but bizarrely comfortable groove into each other.

meanwhile, Mick, Annie and Ruby are absolutely disgusted by everything happening in front of their eyes.

4. The first scene between Ruby and Turner in this episode is a really dynamic one! It’s pretty clear that Ruby’s afraid of Turner, but what do you think Turner thinks of Ruby?

I think he sees a big cartoon canister labeled "Beth Boland Bait"

5. Taking the kids to the drop was a pretty big mistake! What do you think Beth should’ve done in this instance? Do you think saying no again to Rio was an option?

CALLED BEN OR SARA FOR A BABYSITTING ASSIST. For fucks’ sake.

And yeah, I think she could’ve said no to Rio but he would’ve kept her cut of that drop and, even worse, would’ve been able to hold the fact that she didn’t deliver that one time over her head forever more.

6. The krav maga teacher offers some sage advice telling Dean to not order the hit and instead just divorce his wife, haha. Do you think that he thought the baby hitmen would come through for Dean? Or do you think he was deliberately setting Dean up to get robbed?

I choose to believe the krav maga teacher knew exactly what kind of an idiot Dean was and set him up because the dude clearly had at least two brain cells to rub together and anyone with two brain cells to rub together would never get tangled up in a murder plot with Dean standing on the street corner telling random bystanders in detail how he wants to kill the guy that fucked his wife what do you mean established means and motive Boland.

7. During Ben and Annie’s tense conversation, Ben tells Annie that she’s hard to keep track of - she’s parent mom, cool mom, sketchy mom. In a lot of ways, this feels like a parallel to Ruby talking to Beth in the last episode and calling her ‘drug Beth, gun Beth, human trafficking Beth’. What do you make of this? And how do you think it relates to the show’s themes?

I defer to @foxmagpie’s answer because I like it a lot. 

8. The scene with the girls in the house! Tell me all your thoughts please!!!

I love this scene a lot

Beth’s channeling Rio in general but also specifically in 201 you will never ever change my mind

Sometimes I lie awake at night wishing Rio had seen it

Prayer circle that he sees a version of it in s4

Can you imagine the nightmare level of boner he would get? The sheer narcissism!!

Ruby’s obvious wish for new friends is The Most Valid

I really love the main drug den guy, I love Blake Shields’s energy, it makes the scene crackle, and I wish they’d bring him back purely bc he’s gr9

9. Annie meets Noah in this episode! What do you think of their introduction to one another? And how would you rate Noah on the scale of ‘Garbage Annie Love Interests’?

at least he’s not her therapist I guess

10. Beth has two pivotal and emotionally revealing fights this episode - one with Dean and the other with Rio. How do these fights compare? And what do you think they tell us about her respective relationship with them?

UUUNNNNNFFFFFFFF

I L O V E how hard the show goes on Dean’s obsession with Beth and Rio as the primary source of his angst

the fact that he’s trying to rope Stan into murder while looking for Jane who isn’t even MISSING but Dean had NO IDEA bc instead of giving a shit he went straight to HOW CAN THIS BE THAT GUY’S FAULT

I love how clearly they delineate that it isn’t about Beth but specifically about someone else ~*~taking~*~ Beth from him and how emasculated that makes him feel (something something something the storyline opens with the krav maga guy choking him out and then telling him to divorce her and Dean being like I reject your rational and logical solution bc it doesn’t punish the man who touched my property, idk i have a half baked thought there but i can’t pull it out of my brain)

and then it’s all underscored how little Dean’s worried about Beth and her safety by him bringing her work up specifically as a gotcha (which, unless I’m forgetting something, is p much the only context Dean ever brings it up in besides maybe the sit down fight but that’s again, about Beth acting out vs genuine concern)

Meanwhile, this is contrasted with:

Beth flipping tf out at the mere suggestion Rio would ever hurt her children, showing how deeply and instinctively she trusts him in regards to her children aka what’s been established as her Most Important Priority over and over (in the same breath that she rips into Dean for losing Jane in the first place)

which is doubled down on her immediately going to Rio for help

and he is FURIOUS at her, but the thing he leans hard on isn’t how she could have jeopardized the business deal (aka his money, what’s been established as his Most Important Priority over and over) but how she jeopardized herself and how badly she can fuck up if she doesn’t take this seriously

putting himself in a vulnerable position (presumably burning a connect, letting on that Beth means something to him beyond business) to look out for Beth’s emotional well-being

And then, just to drive it home a little further, @sothischickshe pointed out the Beth and Rio fight over Beth’s self preservation is directly paralleled with Stan freaking out at Ruby over the IA stuff because he’s worried about her and I had to go and stare at a blank wall for a few minutes to calm down.

anyway, draw your own conclusions.

11. Ruby takes Jane being missing as an opportunity to try and find evidence on Beth for Turner and, in the process, finds Jane too. How do you think this scene captures Ruby’s moral dilemma? And do you think it’s a satisfying turning point in the Ruby-Turner arc?

I struggle a lot with the Turner and Ruby plot specifically because I HATE that Turner’s ruthlessly leaning on Ruby as the weak link but I’m also ferociously attracted to him so I’m less bothered by it than I feel like I should be so mostly I just try not to think about any of it.

Idk, I see it in some ways as a continuation of Ruby’s fight with Beth and Annie in s1 where Annie said she isn’t blood. They put Ruby on the outside but when push comes to shove, Ruby still puts the two of them above her own family. As far as I’m concerned, Annie still owes Ruby a massive apology for that. Beth I let off the hook a little because by the end of the season she’s ready to turn herself in to make it all go away for all of them (I think, unless I’m misremembering, which is entirely possible bc I don’t think I’ve ever rewatched all of 213)

12. RIO GETS BETH THE DUBBY!! That’s it, that’s the question. Please discuss.

I think a lot about how the gesture is so baldly honest neither one of them can face it either at all (Rio) or without taking a shot first (Beth) which, now that I’ve typed it out, is also an interesting flip of their general MO bc under normal circumstances I’d put Rio down as the one that, of the two of them, is more willing to face stuff whereas Beth’s the one that hides from it.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[mingi-bubu]

Watch “Love O2O” with Me!

Episode 7

i am watching these episodes the way that i eat m&ms

one after the other xp

my phone has cooled off v much but is not yet fully charged so shes still plugged in

i have my water, i have some ramen ^-^, the flix of net is up

as mark lee would say, lezgeddit

so we left off with september and mirror fish duking it out for who should be considered the woman in the faux relationship tht theyre only doing so that xiao nai and wei2 can practice dueling before the big event

and we open with them figting in game

wei2 and nai are just watching them off to the side lmao

THEY JSUT TOOK EACH OTHER OUT ADKJFALKSDJ

wait did nai take them out?

oh damn

they at the hard level couple shit huh

aldkfjalskdjf drag your friends lovingly

maybe not so lovingly

hes too fuking head over heels for her imHAND HOLDING

IN MY GOOD CHRISTIAN SERVER

DISGUSTING

i want it

oooh this npc’s outfit fucking sLAPS

no other in game couple has completed the quest before

damn she just got stuck in a dungeon and the disembodied voice said y’all ain’t got shit but also only have 16 hours to find each other

oh they can still chat

thats nice

why is she acting so dramatic smh

shes so upset she cant do anything

oh no instead shes gonna try to find out information for him

also i LOVE HER SWEATSHIRT

oooh rainbow

he really gonna YEET himself off that cliff aint he

~telepathy~

he’s confident apparently

i

she’s cleaning her keyboard

akdlfjak;ldsj

she said its STUDYING TIME COWARDS

love this man’s headpiece

i cant help but think about the one vine where the guy kept skipping the in game diaogue alkdfaskl

ohhhh

the game is called go

the one that we saw nai playing when we were first introduced to him

oh ok

the game disappeared

yearning formation

me while watching this fuckign show

take the scroll

smh

Y E E T

oh

booooooo

OH I TAKE IT BACK THEYRE STAIRS

THATS PRETTY DOPE

STONE DRAGONS

STONE DRAGONS

HOLY SHIT

well thats unfortunate

shut up i hate this part so muchh

oh he just killed the stone dragons

god this guy is so fucking overdramatic

the naihands again

not at how the fucking music popped off

damn this npc guy is cope

dope

not to be like harry potter but harry potter battle

oh jesus thats wht it takes

really

showing him the pendant

man got his heart broken 1 time by his master and said fuck it i hate everyone

nevermind he texted back

oh wowowowow oHES RIDING THE BIG FUCKING BIRD

Jesus she really said he looks like an angel huh

me too

wowowwowowowwoOWOWOW

ultimate fucking team

they really said we are the best huh

ia;lkdfja;lksdj

it’s not that deep

I LOVE HIM

HE REALLY SAID BITCH I SCREENSHOT THAT SHIT

KING SHIT

oh she left her clan?

damn she is bringing in everything

all the shade

all the tea

this is very awkward

he really backtracked faster than i could blink

oooohhhhhhh

this is tea

DAMN WEIWEI REALLY OUT HERE TO SAY THINGS

these girls again

oh she really do be leaving the clan

oh wowowowow

eww thats so gross and mushy

we were formally married

shut the fuck

marital status is important

SHTU THD UVLK

how long did that quest take them tho

did

did she just do what i think she did

ugh gross theses and exams

not excited to go back to that

xiaoling i want more of her shes so funny

oh so it’s septembers meeting with mr. li

e.e

me and september rolling our eyes internally

hmmmmm

mr li is gonna kill him

wHy DoNt YoU dEvElOp ThE gAmE wItH uS

stop pitting two bad bitches against each other

aaaannnnd now hes being more obviuosly snakey

monthly wage of 120k

god i wish that were me

smart kid tho

said he needs to think about it

raise that by 30%???

156,000

a month

before bonuses

and the game launching

god i need to marry rich

sorry

anyways

yiran uncle is like we need to get him on board bc then everyone else will come

snake man

yiran heard all of that

*eyes emoji*

maybe she do have a heart

she really needs to have better people in her life

her uncle is skeezy

i’d spill hot tea on him

i absolutely don’t believe in nor trust him

go and tell him

be a moral person

her hair style is cute

TELL HIM

ugh

this is why aint nobody know anything

nana that is not how this should work

stop it

stop that nana

THATS NOT HOW THAT WORKS

SOMETIMES PEOPLE HAVE OTHER INTERESTS

i will say tho that her underlying message of taking initiative and doing things to help you is good

also the background is so green screen aldkjfs

september i would marry you in that outfit rigt how

nai’s apartment i want to know more aobutFISHHH

THERE ARE SO MANY FISHHH

why does he have a phonograph im so weak

all of these guys need lkasdjfa;lksdjf;laksjd

nai is the love of my life

but anyways the other 3 guys need to think with their upstairs brain

gynophobic

jjaiskldfjwe just say gay

i know they probably have censorship laws that are different

but still

i desire kodak’s hoodie

theres a lil bear in a cap on it

cute cute cute

oh damn he really do be saying things

oh so they visited SEPTEMBER EREALLY  DID THE FINGER HEARTS IM IN LOVE IWTH HIM

damn HE IS

RIDE

OR

DIE

FOR HIS FRIENDS

alkdsfjalskdjfasl;dk not at how he was really cute looking all dorky when he was being all sweet to them

awww weiwei’s relationship with xiaoyang is adrable

al;kdsjfalsd don’t steal unless youve been falsely accused

oooh it was a bear with wings

xiaoyang is my favorite character every episode he’s in is improved tenfold

i have a similar knife as the one in this show love that for me

wh

what did she put in the bowl and why did the yakult have to go in it too

xiaoyang i would die for you

the #Squad

love them

SPARKLY SHIRT ON HIM

SARPIOEAPOIWEHFIO

ASPAEIHFALKLY SHRIT

IM LLIVOE HIM

D A M N

HE REALLY BE BUYING SHIT FO RHER

PELASE

september in clgaseselkew;jrfawioh

and dark oragne

im falignaeapowifha

i love them

jadlskfjasldkj ha;weijak

I LOVE THAT

she really changed her mf tune as soon as she found out nai put them up to it

ugh

WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE IRL INTERACIONS IM SICK OF THIS SHIT

not really i depely love it obviously

BUT IM SICK OF THIS SHIT

ok that’s the end of episode 7

ugh

truly they are otp

anyways

thank you for readign!!!

stay safe and stay healthy <333

[cheshiresense]

in the ura + ichi time travel au kaien was (understandably) concerned that ichigo suddenly started hanging out with kisuke. what would kaien's opinion of ichigo and aizen hanging out be, though? since aizen was a generally well liked person back then and all that. would kaien see aizen as a good influence on ichigo or do you think he would be more reserved about it?

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…I accidentally shoehorned Shinji into this whoops.

Anyway, you mean in the Aizen&Ichigo time travel verse right? Hmm well I know I dropped several hints in SP of Kaien (and a few others) knowing that there was something not-good up with Aizen, but canonically speaking, literally nobody except Shinji ever suspected him, so I think in this verse, I’m going to go with Kaien being one of the many who think that Aizen is just a reliable Shinigami and a generally upstanding guy. He doesn’t hero-worship him like the younger/lower-ranking Shinigami but he respects Aizen as a fellow lieutenant and the Fifth was really lucky to manage nabbing him for their squad.

So here, Kaien couldn’t prevent Ichigo from joining the Twelfth under that Very Suspicious Character Urahara (and he soon learns the impossibility that is trying to prevent Ichigo from doing anything he sets his mind to), so he’s relieved when word gets around that even after graduation, Ichigo still spends time with that Fifth Division lieutenant/part-time teacher because it means he has some regular Good Influence in his life. The Soul King knows Ichigo doesn’t spend much time with anyone else, doesn’t seem to have any close friends from his year in the Academy either or even just squadmates he can grab drinks with, so Kaien’s glad his cousin has at least one person he seems to like enough to hang out with, even if a friendship between a fresh graduate and a lieutenant is rather odd. Aizen doesn’t seem to mind either, which is also a bit of a shock because for all that the man has a reputation for helping students and subordinates alike, Kaien’s never heard of him spending time outside of work and teaching spars and classes with one. And as far as Kaien knows, he doesn’t think Aizen has any friends he hangs out with either. He’s polite and relatively friendly when he speaks to any of his colleagues, but it’s always work work work for that man. Kaien doesn’t know how he does it.

Still, he appreciates the time Aizen is taking out of his schedule these days to meet up with Ichigo for meals. On occasion, they can even be seen walking together back to their respective divisions. It’s odd, but it’s also pretty clear they’re friends, and so of course, when New Year’s swings around, Kaien wastes no time extending an invitation to Aizen as well to attend the Shibas’ annual celebrations.

He’s not surprised when Aizen - politely - turns him down. He seems that kind of guy. So Kaien moves on to Plan B - he goes to Ichigo, expounds on the elaborate festivities that will be taking place at the party, waxes poetic about how disappointed everyone will be if Ichigo can’t come, and then drops an offhand mention of how he’d tried to invite Ichigo’s friend Aizen too just so Ichigo would have someone he knew with him, not to mention Aizen doesn’t seem to have anyone to celebrate with anyway, but the lieutenant had turned him down.

Ichigo is fuming and scowling and looks about two seconds away from depriving the Thirteenth of their lieutenant, and Kaien very carefully does not show his glee as Ichigo shouts, “We’re not friends!”, looking appalled for some reason, before storming off, and Kaien can feel his reiatsu signature heading directly for the Fifth Division compound.

Mission accomplished.

(“And I should attend this function with you because…?” Aizen enquires, raising a delicately skeptical eyebrow.

Ichigo glowers at everything. “Well I’m not going alone. Kaien said they’re gonna be partying all night. I’m not suffering through that on my own!”

“Then turn the invitation down.”

“I can’t do that! Kuukaku apparently already told everyone I’ll be going, and Kaien said the kids are all looking forward to meeting me properly!”

Aizen’s other eyebrow joins his first, and he could not look more judgemental if he tried. “That still does not explain why I have to go. The fact that you are a pushover for small children is entirely your own fault.”

Ichigo reminds himself that he cannot actually reach across the table and strangle the bastard, no matter how much he wants to. He tries changing tactics instead. “Come on, it’s not like you have anything to do anyway-”

“On the contrary, I have a new book I wish to-”

“-and Kaien told me he invited you too so obviously you’ll also be expected to show up, and I’m not gonna quit badgering you about it until you agree!”

Aizen’s brow crinkles ever so slightly at the mention of Kaien. “Hm, well-played,” He murmurs, but before Ichigo can ask what he means, he continues smoothly, “I have already turned him down, so your argument is invalid. No one will be expecting me, and even if they will be, unlike you,” He beams like the super creepy virtuous Shinigami almost everyone thinks he is, which never fails to make Ichigo cringe. “I do not care in the slightest.”

Ichigo twitches before crossing his arms so that he’s less tempted to do something rash. “Well too bad! You still owe me for being evil and stalker-y, so suck it up and pick out a nice outfit because you’re going even if I have to drag you there!”

Aizen sighs long-sufferingly. “Exactly how long do you plan on trying to hold that over my head, Ichigo-kun?”

“Forever,” Ichigo retorts. “Now are you coming or are we gonna throw down over this?”

Aizen levels a flat look on him. Ichigo glares back. The two of them remain in stubborn silence for several minutes, and eventually it’s Ichigo who cracks because Aizen is a heartless monster with unrepentant stalker tendencies.

“Fine,” Ichigo huffs. “How ‘bout I show you a reishi trick I figured out recently?” Something like interest sparks in Aizen’s eyes. So predicable. “I’ve been experimenting. It’s not something I ever saw Yhwach or any of his minions do, or even Ishida or his dad, so it’s probably not something you know. But only if you come with me to the party. I’ll show you afterewards.”

Aizen watches him for a moment longer before a smirk curls at one corner of his mouth. “You’re learning.” Then he sighs, way too dramatically in Ichigo’s opinion. “Very well, but if it is something I already know, then you’ll owe me three months of manual labour in the form of paperwork. Agreed?”

Ichigo makes a face. “What? No way! One month at most.”

“Two.”

“One and one week and no more, asshole. I swear to god I am not above kicking your extortioning ass across Seireitei if you try to up that! Besides, I’m pretty sure you don’t know what I’ll be showing you anyway so it’s a pointless bargain.”

Aizen looks amused now. “Then it should hardly matter.”

Ichigo scowls. “It’s the principle of the matter. Well?”

Aizen inclines his head. “I agree to these terms. What time is this celebration?”

Ichigo grins, triumphant.)

Kaien cackles like a supervillain when he gets - very grudging - confirmation that both Ichigo and Aizen would be attending the New Year celebrations at the Shiba compound.

Fast forward a few weeks and Shinji narrowly avoids spraying tea all over Ukitake when Kaien strides back in to the dining hall and announces his cousin and Aizen Sousuke’s presence, both of whom enter behind the clan head, one with a scowl, the other with a cordial smile. They get seated between Kaien and Kuukaku, across from Shinji, Kyouraku, and Ukitake, and for a moment, Shinji’s gaze meet his lieutenant’s.

“Good evening, Taichou,” Aizen greets him, mild as milk, but even though his expression is perfectly calm, there’s something about it anyway that makes Shinji think he’s probably laughing on the inside.

“Sou-chan, what a surprise,” Shinji sighs and goes about refilling his cup. He needs way more sake than what’s on the table to survive the rest of this night.

They don’t really talk for the rest of the party. They’ve never really had casual conversations before. Even Shinji’s regular teasing when it comes to Aizen is at least partly to try and get a rise out of his frustratingly secretive lieutenant. And as long as Shinji’s known him, Aizen’s never really been one for celebrations. He attends captain/lieutenant functions when it’s required of him, and even then he only stays just long enough that it wouldn’t be rude when he excuses himself. He never goes out for drinks or meals, and he definitely never goes out with anyone just for fun.

Until Shiba Ichigo of course. Shinji still doesn’t know how those two work.

But, he soon realizes, the party is a perfect excuse to subtly observe them in a public setting, and that brightens his mood exponentially.

And what he observes…

It’s… odd, their interactions, which Shinji already knew from glimpses of them at the Fifth. But that was a work setting, and this isn’t, and that apparently makes a lot of difference. Or maybe it’s just that they’ve gotten closer since the last time Shinji saw them.

Even at the more casual captain/lieutenant get-togethers, Shinji recalls, Aizen stayed on the sidelines, in the background. He spoke when spoken to, and he kept any conversation going effortlessly, never dominating and always making the other party feel like he was interested in whatever topic they’d struck up even though Shinji is certain that couldn’t be farther from the truth. But he never really engaged other people of his own volition, and no matter how polite, it always felt - at least to Shinji - that he couldn’t wait to leave and get away from the annoyances that kept him from attending to whatever it was he was doing behind Shinji’s back.

He doesn’t do that here, doesn’t stay on the outside. Or rather, Ichigo won’t let him. When Kaien drags Ichigo into a conversation, Ichigo drags Aizen right along wtih him, and that wouldn’t be so jarring, but then some of the younger Shiba children shyly sidle up and ask to play tag with their newest cousin, and Ichigo folds like wet paper and agrees, but he also invites Aizen, who protests and is promptly ignored, and Shinji is treated to the mind-boggling sight of Aizen awkwardly - as awkward as Shinji’s ever seen him - playing tag with a bunch of children.

Surely he’s woken up in a parallel universe without realizing earlier?

Then there’s the fireworks display, and Ichigo drags Aizen off to show him how to set off a bunch of them. There’s desserts passed around, and Ichigo looks positively mournful when he’s too slow to get any of the kagami mochi before they’re all gone. Shinji almost chokes on his own taiyaki when Aizen visibly smirks at Ichigo, even taunting the kid with his own dessert, but after a round of mocking and scowl-pouting, the man also sighs before shoving his own plate of mochi at Ichigo and snags Ichigo’s leftover dango instead. Ichigo immediately brightens, and although his scowl never leaves his face, he somehow looks years younger with how ridiculously happy he is about a simple dessert.

And when even Aizen looks like he can’t take anymore socializing after the twelfth time someone accosts him for chitchat, Ichigo whisks him off somewhere, and Shinji doesn’t see them again until he catches their silhouettes on the roof as the night sky lights up with Kuukaku’s personal fireworks finale.

It’s… odd. Shinji can’t really find any other word for it, and by the time he takes his leave, the interactions he’s seen weigh on him more than he’s comfortable with.

These days, it feels like the Aizen Sousuke he’s always known was a completely different man from this one. Then of course, when he’s not interacting with Ichigo, he’s exactly like the man Shinji’s always known - polite and friendly and so utterly fake that it makes Shinji wonder if his colleagues are all brain-dead for not noticing.

Aizen looks at the world like he’s above it all, or maybe like he’s simply indifferent to everything, Shinigami and the Gotei and Soul Society alike.

But he looks at Ichigo like he’s actually seeing a person, and that perhaps is the biggest reason why Shinji cannot reconcile the two versions of his lieutenant.

He’s never known Aizen Sousuke to care about anyone. And Shinji’s not certain what to do about it now that he does.

Unbeknownst to Shinji, Kaien observes them too, and unlike Shinji, he likes what he sees. It’s odd, yes - Shinigami fresh out of school and even just lower-ranked ones in general simply don’t interact with their higher-ups in so familiar a manner. But Ichigo’s always been odd all on his own, and they’re not even part of the same division so nobody can call favouritism anyway, and so long as Ichigo’s fine with it, that’s all Kaien cares about.

He sees everything Shinji does tonight, and it lifts a weight from his shoulders. He’d been worried about his long-lost cousin, uncomfortable amongst family, and too strong to make friends easily at the Academy. Depending on Urahara to look out for his newest subordinate is laughable at best, and Kaien knows better than anyone that Shibas aren’t meant to be isolated. Ichigo’s introverted and a private person in general, but he’s not so different when it comes down to it. At the very least, he doesn’t seem as stressed compared to the first several months he first came into Kaien’s life, and Kaien doesn’t think he’s wrong when he contributes part of that to the Fifth Division lieutenant.

And Aizen too… well, it’s harder to tell with him. But he treats Ichigo like a friend, occasionally indulgent in a way that’s actually not unlike the way Kaien would treat a younger sibling himself, and that’s something Kaien’s never seen Aizen do with anyone else. Sure, he indulges students when they want his attention, and lower-ranked Shinigami when they want his advice, but there’s always a line in the sand with them, one he never toes. He makes himself approachable and likeable with them, and half of them go away nursing crushes.

He’s not like that with Ichigo. He doesn’t make himself anything, as far as Kaien can see. No gentle smiles anywhere. Mostly just smirks that borderline nasty, but flashes of exasperated fondness too. He’s just himself, and Ichigo takes it in stride, and maybe that’s why they’re friends.

It’s odd. But Kaien can’t complain when Ichigo’s happier these days, and he makes a mental note himself to catch Aizen later and tell him he’s welcome back to the Shiba compound anytime.

[salmadoesntcare]

don’t know where my charger is, I’m on 3% 🤷🏾‍♀️

hmmmm I wanna just type away, how am I feeling? I’m feeling okay, better than I have been in the last couple of months alx.

I really wanna start praying consistently again, InshaAllah.

I’ve been imaging how to design this future apartment of mine, I’ve decided on burnt orange couch and a light blue armchair (okay maybe not blue, Idk tbc)

hmmmm, I’m still tryna balance my friendships, but find myself recoiling from them, and only because I’m really comfortable in my solitude - however friendships matter! the women in my life matter, iA i will work on them.

need to start having manadotory weekly check ins with my nieces and nephews, being miles away doesn’t mean I can slack off as an auntie.

I did prioritize traveling at all in 2019, and I really want it to take a forefront in 2020. It’s just really hard saving money, since I give most to my family and necessesities - but! ive been really grasping how spending money on things like food and entertainment can really be cut down on and I can save more for an experience 🏔

omg also, physical insecurities at an all time high, so sad!

kk phones gonna die any second now 💕

[piamii]

so much fucking shit has been happening and i feel sad that i ahven’t learned ym stop mechanism yet, like i needed my loved ones to tell me to slow down. i’ve been really overdoing it lately, i dont knwo if i can keep going at this pace and still study for the EPPP i actualyl enjoy studying but it’s just not relaxing  ive been trying to change and grow too fast... i have a year to grow to where i need before my independent career-ness starts fuCK, and im giving a training this friday i know my shit well but im still nervous because it’s my frist time im the fucking shit but i can’t be the fucking shit all the time the poeple i look up to who are beyond wher ei am right now, they took a long time and a lot of hardships to become who they are now I am not who i was during internship, not even close, but i dont have to lose myself fuck, the last two months fucking flew by and i dont even know hwo, i said it was in the name of growth and pushing myself to become a good Doctor, i said that to myself, i’ve made the best of my time and my life during these two grueling months i dont htink it’s even gonna become less grueling but i ened to stop INTERNALLY pushing myself so fucking hard, let yourself acclimate dear lord

you already have everything you need in order to grow it’s okay to pace yourself it’s okay to explore the life you have now through the lens of your authentic self, rather htan who you think you should be i’m so fucking tired let’s see, what has changed in the last 2 months? Ive become a little bit more mindful of my appearance, in  a healthy way like the way i wish i woul dhave explored cosmetics/beauty/clothing whil ei was a teenager but i was way too impulsive and emotionally driven to do properly during then. maybe as if right now is a second spring and i want to live my life properly, adventurously but responsibly. I’ve been buying a lot of big sweaters because they’re actually cute as fuck i bought a few new pairs of shoes and the cheap pink pair form walmart are actually my fucking favorite they’re comfortable as fuck and cute as fuck. i’m actually proud of the fact that i ahve been ever so marginally cuter in my grooming i started parting my hair different because as cute as i look with proper sidebangs, it hink i need to part them at like 85/15 instead of 95/5 bc it suits my forehead better and also i dont have to blowdry my hair this way. LAZY BUT CUTE also i’ve been waaring makeup every day at work. this is symbolic in a way thati cant quite decipher but its different from how my life has ever been. i have not worn makeup every day sicne high school when i was preoccupied and insecure. i’m no longer insecure but i do feel like i have to put up a front, not about my level of attractiveness but about my level of professionalism. i think ia ctually look really tired without makeup (because of my stupid amount of sleep deprivation at this point) and i dont want to look tired hwen im in a higher position of leadership last year.  i think the biggest difference between this year and last year in my mind set is that i’ve decided i need to be “on” almost all the time nowadays vs last year when i felt like i could hide in the shadow of my fellow interns and just scrape by and cut corners whenever i could Of course for me, scrapign by and cutting corners doesnt actually equate to anything even close to problematic so why am i pushing myself so hard this year I need to fucking relax a little  it’s true that i need to learn a lot and improve my skillset to practice independently after this point, but I AM NOT THERE YET, that is what this whole-ass year is for, and look how much you grew last year, a fucking shit ton and you need to trust yourself that you will grow ENOUGH this year, but only if you take care of yoruself. you will not grow at all if you burn yourself out early.