#Red Grouper

[buffetlicious]

My youngest brother invited us to celebrate Mother’s Day (母亲节) with a meal at Fu Lee Seafood (富俐海鮮). This year, the tze char (煮炒) stall had came out with a set menu for the special occasion and we decided to go for it.

The very first dish to be served was this Premium Ocean Harvest Porridge (尊贵海洋珍馐粥). It is more like Pao Fan (泡饭) as it consists of rice soaked in broth brewed from pork, fish bones and prawn, served with seafood, and crispy rice. The seafood is just butterflied prawns and clams with crispy rice puffs sprinkled on top but everyone loves it, nonetheless.

This Fish Maw Egg Soup (鱼鳔蛋花汤) was an add on order and not part of the set menu. The starchy soup is choked full of sliced fish maw, mushroom and crab meat. The must have condiments to go with the soup are black vinegar and white pepper. The only complaint was that it was too gooey.

Wasabi Mayo Coated Prawn Balls (芥末脆虾球) are actually whole prawns dusted in flour and deep-fried in hot oil before getting coated in a mixture of wasabi and mayonnaise. The prawns remained crispy on the outside and succulent on the inside. The sesame seeds and wasabi mayo giving the shellfishes a nutty, spicy and savoury notes. The green and red apple salad added a refreshing finishing touch to the overall dish.

Seafood Yam Basket (佛钵飘香) was also a separate order. It is a mashed yam ring or taro basket deep-fried then filled with separately stir-fried ingredients. The prawn, fish, squid, cashew nuts and vegetables are overflowing from the top. Underneath the yam basket is a nest of crispy deep-fried rice vermicelli.

As the server placed the plate on the table, everyone’s attention was momentarily fixed on the stack of Strawberry Glazed Iberico Pork Ribs (黑猪草莓一只骨) pile on high in the plate surrounded by strawberry halves and an edible wafer flower. The sticky meat is tender and savoury sweet, well-liked by all of us. No strawberry taste detected on the ribs unless you ate it with the berries!

The Surf & Turf (富俐双拼) was a combination of crispy prawn fritter and smoked duck breast with sesame sauce. The fritter did not come with whole prawn but minced or chopped up prawn meat with other ingredients mixed inside. The filling itself is nothing to shout about but the extra light and crispy batter is to die for.

The next dish is Golden Silk Tofu with Pumpkin Velvet & Yam Crisps (金丝南瓜豆腐). Silky bean curds deep-fried sitting in a pool of pumpkin sauce and littered with crispy shoestring taro fries. I enjoyed the savoury sweet pumpkin sauce clinging to the soft and fragrant fried tofu punctuated by crunchy taro fries.

Wok Fry Yangtze Nai Bai with Truffle Mushroom Sauce (松露蘑菇酱烩奶白菜) came served with a medley of sautéed mushrooms over blanch nai bai which is a different variation of the bok choy. Also referred to as milk cabbage, it is mildly sweet yet crunchy with dark green leaves and milky white stems. That is how the name "milk cabbage" came about. There was supposed to be truffle in there but I don’t remembered tasting the unique flavour.

By the time the Crispy Chicken with Signature Glaze (风沙香酥鸡) was placed in front of me, I am already quite full. The glaze was not brushed onto the chicken but spread out on the plate. The chicken itself was crispy but bordered on the dry side. That signature sauce seems like a borrowed recipe from the roasted suckling pig’s sauce, popular in Singapore which isn’t bad at all.

When you have fresh fish, the best cooking style is to cook it with minimum ingredients like this Steamed Red Grouper with Garlic (蒜蓉蒸红斑). Steaming it let you savour the sweetness of its flesh and the superior soya sauce imparted it salty flavour to enhance the dish. Both spring onions and crispy garlic served to add flavour and texture to the already delicious fish.

To summarize the dinner, everyone enjoyed it thoroughly and we are already considering coming here for our Chinese New Year reunion dinner next year. The only complaint would be that the dishes were served too quickly one after another and there isn’t space on the table to accommodate so we have to rush to finish the earlier dishes to make way.

[critter-creature-or-beast]

[terracegallery]

Pure Enchantment Grouper

Colorful grouper fish art by beachy beach artist Sharon Cummings. Fishy fun for any home or office space! A rainbow of fins for the nature lover. Furnishings and accents for tropical and nautical themed house. Coastal living beauty! GET IT HERE!

[beadyeyes]

[antiqueanimals]

An Artist's Catch: Watercolors by Frank Stick (1884-1966). Edited by David Stick. Published in 1981.

Internet Archive

1.) Speckled hind (Epinephelus drummondhayi)

2.) Red hind (Epinephelus guttatus)

3.) Scamp grouper (Mycteroperca phenax)

4.) Rock sea bass (Centropristis philadelphica)

5.) Sand perch (Diplectrum formosum)

6.) Graysby (Cephalopholis cruentata)

[chimeride]

Merrow, the 244th Known One.

[colorsoutofearth]

Scarlet Cleaner Shrimp (Lysmata amboinensis) cleaning mouth of Tomato Grouper (Cephalopholis sonnerati), Great Barrier Reef

Photo by Gary Bell

[beatriceportinari]

just obtained a whole google drive of kei watanabe fish CP oh yeah baby

[ducksdocry]

Every bird fall weak on lifeless ground

Every eye swelled from tears ever clear

Every seed broken in Spring lived till Fall

All your babies be around to see them growing up

Will you be here with me my love

When the warm sun turns to ash

And the last tide disappear

All darkness near

I kept quiet so you'd think my heart was tough

I never showed you if I loved you enough

The dreams I had yeah I kept but I wouldn't dare

Share with you for fear of things still living in me

Will you be next to me my love

When the cold moon vanishes

And the last cries no yells

For it to hear

[hav-frue]

these are the bookmarks I use and treasure the most. the small black & white one my friend gave me from Mexico, the St. george & the dragon and the Mary Magdalene I got in Paris, the longer black and white one was included in a Grouper vinyl, the red with tassels belonged to my grandfather from Denmark, the gold ankh my mom got me from Egypt and the floral motif I found in a used book

[buffetlicious]

The next dish was the Steamed Red Grouper Hong Kong style with superior soy sauce, spring onions and red chilli but all we saw was a small chunk of fish flesh in a bowl. I was telling the others that we don’t know if the fish was actually a red grouper until the wait staff placed the fish head on the lazy susan. At least I enjoyed the fresh succulent and sweet fish dressed in soya sauce.

The chickens must be lamenting that they died in vain as we diners never gotten to see the crispy Bi Feng Tang (避风塘) style Roasted Chicken gloriously spread out (展翅高飞) in front of us with spiced almond flakes and crunchy prawn crackers for garnish. Both my colleague and I were served mostly breast meat which was dry as we never gotten the chance to choose the part of the chicken we would like to eat plus my plate came with just half an almond flake. :(

Next up, the Conrad Duo of deep-fried prawn ball wrapped with breadcrumb and sautéed scallop with asparagus in home-made XO sauce. The fried prawn ball is crispy on the outside with crunchy prawn inside. A single lonely scallop sat beside the old and fibrous asparagus as the skin wasn’t peeled. The savoury spicy sauce however brightened up the flavours of this tough vegetable.

The Abalone and Spinach I have nothing much to comment on other than the slice of paper-thin sea snail. Love the thick mushroom among the blanched leaves of spinach drenched in oyster sauce though.

The Ee-fu Noodles or yi mein (伊面) got to be my favourite dish of the night. This noodle is typically present on wedding menu due to the fact it is also referred to as longevity noodles (寿面). Stewed with shimeji mushroom, lumps of crabmeats and chives, where it had soaked up the wholesome flavours. So good that I finished two bowls of it.

The Chilled Cream of Avocado with Coral Weed was a big disappointment for all of us due to the avocado soup coming with pieces of hard, almost crunchy coral weed, akin to eating chicken soft bone. I would prefer something less exotic like cubed honeydew melon or even jellies.

Overall, the food was pretty delicious though the service is kind of lacking as the wait staffs were busy portioning the food to notice our empty glasses. My colleague was commenting that he had only this one cup of passionfruit drink from start till end of the banquet and no one came to ask if he would like a refill. I am also sure the chefs would have preferred to let the diners see their beautiful, crafted creations even if for only a few short seconds rather than the hastily assembled carved-out portions.

[bohemianrapshawty]

Off day

It was a rare thing—you and Dr. Robby both having the day off.

No alarms. No scrubs. No charts. Just the promise of a lazy day and the text he sent the night before:

“Aquarium date tomorrow? I wanna look at jellyfish and hold your hand.”

So that’s how you found yourself the next morning, bundled in one of his hoodies because you claimed it was “scientifically proven” to be warmer than yours (he didn’t argue), standing in line for tickets while he read the informational sign next to the entrance like it was a research paper.

“Did you know cuttlefish have three hearts?” he said, wide-eyed, like he just discovered gold.

You blinked. “Did you know I came here to relax and not learn about tiny squishy marine geniuses?”

He smirked, laced his fingers with yours, and said, “Let’s do both.”

Inside, it was dim and glowing and kind of magical. Blue lights shimmered off every wall, and the water tanks lit up your faces in the prettiest way. Robby was in full dork mode—pointing out fish he recognized, reading facts out loud, whispering things like “That one’s definitely judging me” at the grumpy-looking groupers.

You, of course, were on a different mission.

“Come here. Quick. Stand next to the penguins.”

“For what—?”

“Photos. I need to see who’s cuter.”

He groaned dramatically but leaned in close anyway, letting you snap the photo before whispering, “They win. But only by a beak.”

You laughed so hard a little kid nearby turned around and said, “You guys are loud,” which made you both giggle even more.

And then came the jellyfish room.

You didn’t even have to say anything. The second you stepped inside, Robby’s hand tightened around yours and he whispered, “This is my favorite part.”

You knew that. You remembered him telling you months ago that the jellyfish exhibit calmed him down after rough days. Something about how they moved. How they just existed, floating softly, never rushing.

You watched him more than the jellyfish, honestly.

The way his eyes got quiet. The way his shoulders dropped. The way he leaned his forehead against the glass and exhaled like he hadn’t in weeks.

You slipped your arms around his waist from behind and rested your cheek between his shoulder blades.

He didn’t say anything at first.

Then, softly: “I love it here. But I think I love it more with you.”

Your voice was muffled. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. You make it feel like home.”

You stood there like that for a long time. Just two nerds in love, glowing under soft blue light, surrounded by floating jellyfish and the hum of tank filters.

Eventually, you dragged him to the gift shop where you bought matching plush octopuses (he tried to talk you into a sea slug but you held firm), and he got you both overpriced dippin’ dots because “it’s tradition now.”

On the way home, he drove with one hand on the wheel and one resting on your thigh, and you leaned your head on his shoulder at every red light.

And just before pulling into your driveway, he glanced at you and smiled that soft, quiet smile that was only for you.

“Let’s do this again.”

“What, the aquarium?”

“No. This,” he said, squeezing your hand. “Us. All of it.”

You squeezed back. “Yeah. Let’s never stop.”

[the-enfolded]

Unend Departure Dinner

Celebrating the maiden voyage of the Ship

Courtesy of Chef Quino Del Belsaban (chef) and sous-chefs Voro and Mikelord

We will tonight celebrate the commencement of the journey, and it’s our pleasure this evening to treat you all to a very special and unique singular meal, compliments of the Cosmological Consortium’s Highest Light subcommittee.

We begin with ephemera of mineralflower enclosing lavenderwater-infused mirrorhawk mousse, dusted with riftgrass pollen, nestled on a sprouted microbloom tuft, crowned with edible Serapha Nebulaflorum.

And of course our signature cocktail tonight the Aurora Prismatica, exquisite Empyrean lavender and silk cordial, layered with zephyr of eldermanflower, misted with Alpinian plume of Verdure and lightly smoked with charcoal of Sequestrian hacklethorn. I personally recommend you enjoy it on the rocks – perhaps unorthodox, but just trust us on this one.

Buloga pearl caviar tartare, accompanied by shaved roast of sloe, crowned with frosted Ebonreef truffle, drizzled with 100-traversal-aged prang syrup and garnished with chinchona leaf. Enjoy.

The palate-cleansing salad is up next. My friends, a medley of crisp frisée, tender mini prunus hearts, and heirloom rubus misted with essence of blackened citrus of elderthief, sprinkled with delicious and nutritious high-altitude breadmoss and garnished with greens from the gardens of Gloria. Please enjoy.

Our main entree, my friends: sovereign spice-seared filet of Vildefeluvian lake grouper, ladled with reduction of burk buranah, brushed with crushed pistachio and golden salt, served atop a bed of rare black macrograin sourced from the marshes of Ackute. Dig in.

Miravette Reserve, an aromatic honeylight wine from the Highest Light? Quite delicate, notes of straw and almond, very well-balanced, very intriguing

And for our grand finale, exquisite bombe of blonded and blued chocolate mother-of-mica, encased in a delicate wind-woven sugar dome, decorated with self-caramelizing tufted sugar frond, rosewater foam, and edible silverleaf confetti, and finished of course with a touch of our most rare and fine melt-velvet orchid extract. It’s been our pleasure to serve you this evening everyone. Thank you so much.

Ingredients (by request)

Hors d'oeuvre (Un inspired)

Ephemera of mineralflower - phyllo pastry blossoms lightly brushed with strawberry syrup and sprinkled with gold decorator sugar “minerals”.

Lavenderwater-infused mirrorhawk mousse - salmon cream-cheese mousse (go very easy on the lemon juice) with chili flakes, and smoked paprika, partially lavender tinted

Riftgrass pollen - paprika and a hint of turmeric, edible glitter mica

Sprouted microbloom tuft - ball of sprouts, local wildflower micro blossoms

Serapha Nebulaflorum - Rosemary blossoms, saffron, cornflower petals, and marigold petals

Cocktail (Fold inspired)

Empyrean lavender and silk cordial -

lychee mogu mogu drink(as base silk cordial - can be blended smooth if needed), strong chilled butterfly pea flower tea (as lavender cordial - spoon gently over appears lavender/indigo in basic conditions)

Zephyr of eldermanflower - small amount of Plum Soju spooned gently on top (mildly acidic, turns top of butterfly tea magenta/violet) substitute a tiny amount of white peach or other clear fruit juice of your choice for a non-alcohol version

Alpinian plume of Verdure - Blossoming heather sprig)

Charcoal of Sequestrian hacklethorn - torched cinnamon (not recommended, maybe a cherry wood? smoking not essential for how sweet and floral this cocktail is)

On the rocks - giant ice cubes

Appetizer (Fold inspired)

Buloga pearl caviar tartare - chia caviar with butterfly-tea dyed tapioca pearls served on a base of crème fraîche (alternatively could try black lumpfish caviar too, if available)

Shaved roast of sloe - if sloe = slow thinly shaved oil and sea-salt roast purple potato, if sloe = the gin plum, sliced and roasted umeboshi red plum for garnish (both plum and potato used)

Frosted Ebonreef truffle - crunchy dried shiitake snack mushroom frosted with silver edible mica glitter,

100-traversal-aged prang syrup - balsamic vinegar, fresh raspberry and apricot jam reduction with a touch of soy sauce (strained)

Chinchona leaf - shiso leaf

Salad (Un inspired)

Medley of crisp frisée - a base of curly endive and pea shoots

Tender mini prunus hearts - almonds and dried apricot cut into hearts (both in prunus family),

Heirloom rubus - raspberries and blackberries

Essence of blackened citrus of elderthief - sugared and caramelized blood orange and mini clementine slices, scant raspberry balsamic vinaigrette

High-altitude breadmoss - French bread triangles brushed with olive oil and coated with dried parsley and dill (needs work to become more tasty - try garlic bread triangles and a lighter dusting of herbs)

Greens from the gardens of Gloria - parsley and “spring mix” greens.

Main (Fold inspired)

Sovereign spice-seared filet of Vildefeluvian lake grouper - pacific cod with salt, pepper and old bay, pan seared in vegetable oil and basted with butter

Reduction of burk buranah - supposed to be a cab-sav beurre blanc, but used a Béarnaise instead

Crushed pistachio - crushed pistachio (blanched to remove brown hulls) Golden salt - golden decorator sugar because it looked pretty, but could also try a turmeric-ginger-garlic golden salt,

Rare black macrograin sourced from the marshes of Ackute - black rice

Wine (Un inspired)

Miravette Reserve - 2020 Gérard Bertrand Orange Gold (clean and citrusy, good with fish)

Dessert (Un inspired)

Exquisite bombe of blonded and blued chocolate mother-of-mica - Mirrorhawk pearl of white chocolate strawberry Lindt rolled in blue/yellow cake sprinkles, on a split lemon madeleine shell with blue and yellow chocolate button and crème fraîche ganache

Delicate wind-woven sugar dome - blue cotton candy

Self-caramelizing tufted sugar frond - punished and caramelized marshmallows on a strawberry pocky stem with strawberry syrup and golden sugar embellishments

Rosewater foam - pink lychee gel foam

Edible silverleaf confetti - oregano leaves dusted with silver edible mica glitter

Melt-velvet orchid extract - strawberry vanilla syrup

Enjoy!

[traumadumpwriter]

Held Together

Bf!JJ Maybank X Pogue!Reader

Summary: In the devastating aftermath of John B and Sarah’s disappearance, JJ struggles to express his grief until it suddenly overwhelms him.

Trigger warnings for panic attacks, anxiety and grief.

Word count: 2.1k

This was another request. I know I took ages to do this and I haven’t posted anything new in a while sorrryy lol I’ve been low-key so so depressed and hating my writing, really not a fan of this one tbh. If any of you are interested in my other accounts my most active one is @gross99 ;P . As per don’t forget my inbox is open if you’re struggling with anything and my requests are open. Hope y’all enjoy <3 (divider by @i-mmaculatus )

Ever since that rainy night in which two of your best friends had supposedly died, things had obviously been quite different. John B and Sarah had tried to evade police capture by driving a fishing boat through a tropical storm and no one had seen them since. The moment that Deputy Shoupe had stepped into the tent, his head bowed low before he told everyone the news, would be engraved into your mind for the rest of your life.

You'd known before he even opened his mouth what he was going to say but it didn't make it land any less painfully.

"We lost them. Sorry."

JJ was stood beside you, his body tightened and his fists clenched, and although you wanted to reach out and touch him - to try to somehow calm him in some way - you were unable to move. Your body felt as if it were made of lead and although you heard the words that Kie and Pope spoke to Shoupe, you didn't process them until later on.

Lost? What did that even mean?

It hadn't surprised you when JJ shouted, his voice torn and full of hurt, blaming the Deputy for his part in it all - trying to somehow get some justice despite knowing he never would. You wanted to shout too, to also try to claim your own kind of justice but you had just felt so... frozen. Like nothing around you was real.

You had watched JJ lunge at the officers in his blind grief, and although the sight went off in your head as being something that you should intervene with, that alert quickly faded into the background and was instead replaced by a loud, foggy silence and mental visions of your "lost" friends.

Only when Kie had loudly cried "JJ stop!" a couple of times did you find yourself suddenly able to snap out of the trance, rushing over to your boyfriend and desperately trying to reach for him between the officers.

"JJ. Calm down." You'd pleaded, the cracking in your voice surprising you.

It was then that you noticed the warm streams running down your face and down JJ's. Like your voice possessed some magic tone, JJ looked up at and froze for a moment, his eyes glistening red, and then shoved the officers from his arms. They'd backed away quickly upon seeing he was finally somewhat calm, and he wrapped his arms tightly around you.

You could feel how tense his muscles still were, how he was one inch away from seriously loosing his mind, and hear the fast drum beating pace of his heart. Usually, his chest would be a warm place where everything was safe, but that night there would be no amount of real comfort either of you could offer each other. You'd found yourself suddenly uncontrollably sobbing into his t-shirt, the cries erupting out of your chest as Kiera and Pope's parents arrived.

It seemed like everyone had some noise to make, whether it was words of comfort, cries, questions, sniffles or gasps. But JJ had stayed silent.

And the silence lasted for a while after that night.

In fact, it had now been weeks and JJ was still just as withdrawn, unable to joke or laugh or even get angry like he used to. He'd seemingly gone into some robotic mode, disappearing for hours at a time, pacing around the spots he'd associated with John B, and then returning to you with a plain, steely face, insisting that he was okay.

Realistically you knew that he wasn't, but you didn't want to press him, unsure of what really was the right way to grieve. All you'd done was cry and cuddle your boyfriend, beyond grateful to have him there. If he hadn't been with you, you probably wouldn't have eaten, but then again nor would’ve he. Every night you'd curl up on his lap and let tears fall from your eyes, remaining there for hours as you gradually drifted into sleep.

JJ on the other hand had hardly been sleeping. He'd been so tired, but entirely unable to turn his brain off. When he was able to finally rest his dip into unconsciousness, it never lasted long. His brother's face haunted him, and even Sarah's, in dreams so realistic that he could've swore that his friends had just been in the room with him.

It was due to one of these dreams that JJ finally cracked. He finally made some noise.

This dream had been the worst one yet - a macabre nightmare - and it shocked JJ out of his slumber, causing him to shoot out from under the covers with wide eyes, panting as he came back to reality. He looked at you, comfortable and sweet in your bed, and didn't think twice about sneaking out of the room, desperate not to wake you up and let you see him like this.

But what was this?

He didn't understand what was happening. He just knew that it felt like the world was crushing him, physically and mentally, and he wasn't sure how much longer his shaking legs would be able to hold him up for.

Slowly, he made his way to the bathroom and quietly closed the door, cursing himself for always forgetting to fix the lock before finally collapsing onto the floor. His breath felt impossible to catch; his chest being squeezed by some invisible force and his stomach being twisted by the same thing. He tried to keep the chokes of his struggled breaths hushed, rocking back and forth with his legs pressed to his torso, but he found it increasingly difficult as he got more panicked.

A painful loop of images and words plagued his mind; a nonstop film of memories that only made his chest tighter.

He had lost John B - his brother - forever. And the people to blame would never be brought to justice.

This mental reel went on for a while before JJ couldn't hold in his sobs anymore, something that only made his breathing more difficult and ragged. He had never felt so small and helpless in his life, not since he had been a little boy getting beaten by his father, only this helplessness was even more crippling as there was no way of actually fighting it back.

At the same time, you had awoken at the absence of JJ's warmth and sat confused for a moment, wondering where he might be. His imprint in the bed was almost cold, so wherever he'd gone he had been there for some time. Your eyebrows furrowed as you stroked the material, worry building in your gut, and then you quickly decided to get up and check around the house, knowing that your parent wasn’t in and wouldn’t be for another while.

"JJ?" You called, stepping out into the corridor.

You got no reply back, but you did notice that the bathroom door was closed and there seemed to be some noise coming from in there. For a second you hesitated, wondering if he was just on the toilet, but something in your gut told you that he wasn't.

When you pushed on the handle you weren't expecting to see what you did. Your boyfriend curled up and infantile, looking so delicate, with such a dizzying array of panic and grief in his eyes. His breathing was fast and shallow - too fast - and his fists were clenched, like he was ready to rip apart the bathroom tiling that he’d so kindly done for your parent last summer.

"JJ?" You spoke lowly.

He didn't answer - didn’t even look at you - and it made a shiver run up your spine. You quickly stepped over to him.

"Hey... what's going on?"

Still nothing.

And then a loud choke, his lungs unable to hold it in any longer.

"Fuck!" he shouted, curling over, hands in his hair. "Fuck- fuck, I can't- he's gone, I can't-"

You dropped to your knees in front of him, your heart hammering. "JJ. JJ, look at me."

He shook his head, tears streaking down his pink cheeks. "He's not coming back. He's not- he's gone- he's gone and I can't fix it."

He sounded almost as if he was choking on his words, frequently stopping for sharp breaths and tightly gripping his knees. You'd never seen him look so scared and you battled to not feel scared yourself, taking a second to collect your mind before grabbing his hands, continuing to hold them even when he pulled away.

"JJ, try to catch your breath." You said firmly, though your tone was still gentle. "You're having a panic attack darling, I promise things are going to be okay."

He started crying harder, hands shaking in yours like he didn't know how to hold on. You shifted your body so that you were closer to him, pressing your forehead against his and squeezing his fingers as you continued to speak, voice soft.

"I've got you. Just breathe with me. Right here. Right now."

"But he's gone, Y/N! Him- and Sarah! They're dead- and we're never gonna see them- never gonna speak to them- ever again." He sobbed.

And you wished you could say that he was wrong, but he wasn't. You swallowed, blinking back your own tears and then, stroking his bruised cheekbone whispered "I know baby, I know."

For a while you just stayed there on the cold bathroom tile, breathing for him while he couldn't do it on his own, squeezing his palms and cooing softly. He slowly stopped shaking, though his breath still hitched now and then, whilst your fingers traced patterns rhythmically across his palms.

Then he finally spoke, raspy and barely audible.

"I'm sorry... I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Don't be silly." You murmured, brushing his damp hair from his forehead. "There's nothing wrong with you."

He didn't respond. Just closed his eyes and leaned forward a little, resting his head against your shoulder. You felt the weight of him - how heavy he'd become with exhaustion, his bones aching and tired. The silence seemed to fill in the cracks of those bones for a short while, at least as JJ learnt to breathe again.

"It's gonna be okay. I'm here. You're gonna be alright." You eventually broke the silence with a soothing whisper, which he responded to by gripping onto you even tighter, his wet face buried into your collarbone like a scared child.

"Just promise me- you'll never leave me. Yo-You'll stay with me- forever. You're all I have now."

"I'm not all you have. What about Kie and Pope. Even Hayward and my parents?" You tried to reason but he cut you off frantically.

"Please just promise me, Y/N. I- I can't loose you too."

You squeezed him lightly and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, holding your lips there for a short moment before answering quietly.

"I promise, JJ. I'm never going to leave you... And you're never going to leave me either. We'll both have each other until the end of time... You're never going to be alone, I promise."

Eventually, his muscles started to relax and his breathing became balanced. You let another healing minute of quiet pass until he seemed almost still; no more sniffles escaping from the gaps between your skin and a considerably slower heart rate; his veins no longer raised and pulsing with the pump of his adrenaline filled blood.

"Should we go back to bed?" You quietly suggested, tracing a circular pattern on the back of his neck.

After another long moment, he nodded - barely - and slowly stood up, gripping the sink as if he might fall over but then quickly letting go of it, avoiding eye contact with you. He turned on the cold tap and washed his face, rubbing at the skin roughly before following you into the bedroom.

The sheets were messy, still holding the shape of where you'd both been before all of this. JJ crawled in with a heaviness that hurt to watch, curling toward you with the same infantile vulnerability that you'd seen in him during his panic attack. His face was puffy and blotched with red, but he still looked so beautiful - even in his worst state.

You tucked yourself behind him, pressing your chest to his back and draping your arm around his waist, holding him as much as you could. He didn't say anything, but with a slowing, shaky breath he laced his fingers through yours.

"I've got you." You whispered, placing a soft kiss on the back of his head. "Just sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

It was a long time before either of you slept. But when JJ finally did you found yourself able to drift off again. Your sleep was dreamless and for once so was his, and so you both slept; two broken pieces held together just enough to get through the night.

Uploading this at midnight bc I can’t sleep. Have proofread it but my brain is tired so might not be great. Potential edits incoming! Lots of love <3

[driedposies]

“My little Nepenthe,” {CHAPTER TWO: Let Your Branches Fork My Veins}

Chapter summary: You receive a letter after a gift exchange that sends you on a witch hunt.

Warnings: Explicit language, sexual content in later chapters (18+ only!), violence, bodily injury, torture, character death.

Chapter lyric: "Poison Tree" by Grouper

Word count: 6.4k

Notes: Taglist at the bottom. If you wish to be added, please leave a comment!

The snow that crusted together the Sidra behind the River House felt almost like a metaphor for what you were experiencing within. The usual chill settled under your skin, but there was something more. Shame, for your actions. Worry, about what the consequences could entail. But most of all, there was that prolonged sinking feeling you had every time someone from the Inner Circle would even look at you. Waiting for the accusations and punishment you’d surely receive when they found out. 

You were thankful Rhys didn’t rake his abilities through another’s mind without explicit permission, otherwise, he’d be entirely privy to you slapping Eris. To how every thought managed to return to that arrogant bastard. 

But there was something about a Winter Solstice celebration that helped to take your mind off of your embarrassments. Evergreen garlands and wreaths decorated the walls, with faelights hanging around windows like floating glow worms.  

You were curled up in an armchair closest to the fireplace, a cup of peppermint tea nursed in your gloved hands, as you half-focused on the argument between Lucien and Cassian about some jousting event. 

Your gaze soon followed towards Azriel who hovered around the doorway, before allowing past Nesta and Elain, arms linked. You smiled at your eldest sister, despite her tight expression. 

Tensions easily dissipated when the eldest and youngest exchanged genuine greetings and birthday wishes, but swiftly returned when Nesta turned to Lucien who longingly watched Elain sit in the chair furthest away from him. “How’s the Spring Court?” Nesta asked, and a resounding crackle in the fireplace had you looking up at Lucien with concern. 

Lucien’s jaw was tight. “How you’d expect.”

The High Lord of Spring must know of Feyre’s pregnancy then, and to save the room from suffering more tense silences, Nesta asked another question. “And Jurian and Vassa?”

“At each other’s throats, as they like to be,” Lucien replied, voice still sharp. You knew why, by Elain’s wary gaze settled onto the red-headed male. “How’s the training?” It was Lucien’s turn to ask something, as he sipped his tea.

Nesta gave a true, wicked smile. “Good. We’re learning how to disembowel a male.”

Your jaw loosens as Lucien chokes on his tea, and you have to bite back a laugh. Violence has never been something you could stomach, but there was something about Nesta’s dark sarcasm that amused you. 

Amusement soon turns to light happiness at seeing Cassian’s proud grin directed towards Nesta. “As you’d expect, Nes excels at it.” 

“My favourite part of training.” You shift your gaze to Mor as she mockingly tilts her glass towards your eldest sister. 

Nesta’s brows tighten. “We haven’t cut the ribbon yet, though.”

“So you’re really learning Valkyrie techniques,” Mor questions, surprise evident in her expression. 

You soon lose focus on the conversation as you feel a warm gaze settle in your direction. Shifting your attention, you catch the gaze of Lucien, much to your surprise. He smiled, and you reciprocated, albeit with confusion lining your eyes.

It took only an hour before Mor was pestering the idea of opening gifts. With only a snap of Rhys’ fingers, a pile appeared. 

You have found finding gifts for everyone a wildly difficult task—especially for the fae who had already been getting gifts for centuries. But, you felt inclined to give them something in return for their hospitality. When asked what they wanted, a response usually died on their tongues. You would then be met with a simple, “Do not worry about it.”

So, it was jewellery for all the women and an interesting bottle of liquor for the men. At least Rhys looked mildly intrigued when opening a black panel box to reveal a beautifully blown glass in the shape of a squid. The gin looked like ink, but in the firelight, it revealed bursts of shimmering mulberry phosphorescence. When asked how you came to get such bottles, you’d only shrug your shoulders and murmur that you saved your monthly allowances. 

Elain had given you another pot of hand cream, saying that she noticed your daily wear. You’d force a tight smile when her words sparked the urge to scratch at the dried skin between your fingers.

You received Azriel’s gift last; a silent exchange as usual. The box was the length of your forearm, wrapped in black and umber tissue paper. Azriel would swallow visibly as you pick apart the tape and wrapping, put it to your side and then open the lid. Inside, delicately folded upon a pillowed layer of silk, were gloves. 

“I know I got you a pair of gloves last year, but I’ve noticed you wear them constantly. Even on formal events,” Azriel began to softly explain as if needing a reason. “So… I thought to give you something to wear on nicer occasions.”

You pick up one of the sheer black gloves, running a thumb down the lace patterns stitched into rose flowers and ivy leaves. The cuffs had three buttons made of dark golden pearls, and you could barely imagine the cost of such a gift. 

A small flush was already expanding across the cheekbones of the Shadowsinger when you smiled up at him. “They’re beautiful. Thank you,” you say, sincerely, despite the pit in your stomach. You wore gloves to hide what you couldn’t control; didn’t understand. Wearing something sheer would defeat their purpose. 

The night continued with the excited opening of presents and the continual disregard of tensions.

You’d begin disappearing for bed when another bottle of wine was cracked open and poured. Before you could, to your persistent surprise, Lucien caught you by the doorway, simple envelope in hand. 

You look between Lucien’s slight grimace and the letter in hand. “I have something for you,” the male would explain, voice a little wavered as if he were internally fighting whether or not to burn or pass it on. “It’s not from me, specifically,” he’d only add on. 

“Who is it from?” You question, brows raising in trepidation. Ideas flew across your mind, each one worse than the previous. 

Lucien’s grimace deepens. “I’ve been strictly instructed to tell you to open it in the privacy of your room. Don’t worry—nothing inside has the intent to cause harm.”

The statement did little to soothe your apprehension. If anything, it only amplified it. However, there was an inkling of curiosity that burned through you.  

“Alright. Thank you, Lucien,” you reply softly, urging to end this conversation so you can return to your room, rip your gloves off and attempt to pacify the itch under your hands with creams. 

The mysterious letter stayed cold on your desk for a total of four days. 

There was no name written to say who it came from, only your own written in talented cursive. Whilst you knew Lucien to have no ill intent towards you or your family, you couldn’t help but worry. A half of you urged to show it to Feyre, your High Lady, of this possible threat. But the other half, the one that was now winning, was telling you to open it. 

Which is what you were currently wrestling over. Staring at the white envelope as you continually work in the hand cream over your palms and in between your fingers. You let out a long sigh of defeat, chewing on the inside of your cheek, before decidedly picking up the letter that haunted your waking thoughts every time your eyes drifted to it. 

There was a small weight to it as if there were two separate papers to be discovered inside. With the nail of your thumb, you broke through the sticky seal. 

The first thing you gently pull out is a neatly folded paper, writing within the same delicate cursive found on the envelope. Curiosity turned to confusion and confusion quickly shifted to alarm.

‘Whilst our meeting left my cheek bruised and pride in question, it would leave me troubled to not give my dearest Archeron sister a Winter Solstice gift. Place the golden card on a secret surface to receive my present. Yours, Eris Vanserra.’  

Emotions swam to the surface of your accelerating heart. There was obvious sarcasm, but you were unsure if there was a threat underlying his words. You wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case—you slapped the heir of Autumn Court. 

Perhaps there was a cruel joke awaiting you. But Lucien had promised no foul play, and the small amount of trust you had in him believed he wouldn’t lie for his brother. 

With a small tremble in your hand, you pulled out the golden card. It glittered in the light from the small hearth, highlighting the large symbol etched in deep red ink. It appeared to be a rune of sorts, and you wondered what it meant. 

Without much thought, you placed the card down on your desk, and the paper instantly burst into flames. You jolted, watching as the rune melted into the wood, singeing from red to ashen black. As soon as the mark settles, a velvet box appears. 

Placing the letter down, you slowly reach for the jewellery box. Flicking open the clasp, worry transformed into bewilderment once again. Inside was a simple choker made of gold and drops of orange carnelian. Something thrummed from the crystals, and they were almost too hot to the touch. 

One final note rested underneath the necklace.

‘You’d look better in Autumn colours.’ 

The choker and two notes remained hidden deep under your bed. 

However, the rune remained a permanent fixture on the edge of your desk, only serving to echo your secret. Perhaps that is what Eris wanted—to leave you wary and fretting about his next move.

You'd hide it under a glass of water.

But silence remained, even after Cassian and Nesta left to meet with the heir of Autumn. And when anxiety wracked through your body, the powers the Cauldron forced upon you flared within their shackled confines. You knew they wanted to release, but there was a lock hidden and a key lost. 

Hand cream would soon not be enough to soothe, and huddling beside a fireplace would become unjustified when spring turned over. Reading was always a hobby to distract the mind, yet it didn’t distract the urge to itch and claw at your breaking skin. 

You couldn’t tell anyone from the Inner Circle. You didn’t want to go through the training Nesta has to go through. You didn’t like violence, and you certainly won’t be moulded into the next weapon.  

So you’d endure, just as Elain did. When it was just you two in the house, you’d bake together. Elain would talk of flowers she’d want to grow when the snow finally cleared, and you were content in just listening. And if a silence persisted between you, there was no need to fill it as it was never uncomfortable.  

“There’s something on your mind,” Elain would randomly comment as she kneaded together another batch of dough.

Your tongue felt heavy in your mouth as you looked away. “Nothing you too need to worry about,” you finally decide to reply. 

A smile pulled at the edges of her lips as she ceased her kneading. Picking up a hand towel, Elain wiped away bits of dough and flour. “We both may be on different paths, but that doesn’t mean I no longer can give you advice. Something’s bothering you. Everyone can see it, it’s just that no one seems to want to ask.”

You chew on the inside of your mouth, returning to silence. Elain would only continue. “I keep having dreams. Sometimes, going into the Cauldron, but a lot of the time, they’re snippets of random scenes. Of people I've never met,” she would explain, and your jaw would loosen slightly. “But then, a random person wouldn’t be a stranger anymore. I’d see you with a red-headed male sometimes. I thought it was Lucien, but it wasn’t. It was that male Nesta danced with.” 

“I hit him,” you blurt out, and a short gasp left your lungs that sounded like a pained huff of air. “On Winter Solstice. I slapped the heir of Autumn Court.” And just as the words left your lips, a weight eased. 

Elain’s expression of surprise told you that wasn’t what she was talking about, and it soon made her look all the more amused. Then, your sister began to laugh. “You hit him?” She repeats back between laughs, and it is enough for you to join in. 

“Yes—yes, I did,” you giggle. “Oh, I was so terrible for doing it. But it felt so good. So, so good.” 

There was still so much more you kept hidden, and it was clear Elain was doing the same, but getting a fraction of this burden off of your shoulders made you feel lighter. When the laughter finally died down, the surrounding aura was considerably warmer.

“Is that what has been troubling you?” Elain asks softly, caramel eyes soft with a spark of knowing. 

You look down again, biting your top lip. “One of the many things,” you settle on saying, remaining vague whilst also being truthful. Then, your brows furrow. “You said you dream of me. What are you seeing?”

Elain’s lips parted, and it was her turn to look away, pointedly going back to the dough. Despite your wishes to pry, you were in no position to scold her for keeping secrets. 

“Perhaps it would be best to think of them just as dreams. But they’re happy scenes,” Elain assures with a lasting smile, and you couldn’t help but wonder more about what they entailed. 

If the male Elain envisioned you with was Eris Vanserra, the current bane of your existence, you worried for the moments in between. If these dreams were worth anything, you’d scold yourself. 

When you return to your room later that evening, belly full of dinner and sweet honeyed bread, it seems fate has come to answer your question. You should worry about the moments in between. 

A note sat on your desk, tucked underneath the glass of water hiding the burnt rune. 

You stare hard at it, heart in your throat and limbs frozen. Eyes glued to the paper, you settle slowly into the desk chair. 

‘Hello, my dearest Archeron sister.’

There was no need for guesses on who this came from, nor how it did. Rhys had once commented that winnowing into the River House was impossible by wards. But, as it appeared, even some of the strongest amounts of magic had loopholes. This simple rune seemed to attest to that. 

With one hand, you brush the slip of paper closer to you, while the other reaches for a quill. 

‘How are you writing to me?’

The question was simple, your writing compared to Eris’s almost embarrassing. Shaky letters underneath perfect cursive. 

You slide the paper to rest above the rune, and it vanishes like smoke in the air. Not a minute passes before another note appears again. There was a short thought about how conversing with Eris went against rules, whilst there was nothing explicitly said about exchanging short words. Yet, perhaps there was no harm in this. Even better, you could swallow your pride and apologise for your behaviour, ensuring that what you had done didn’t negatively affect alliances. 

‘If my timelines are correct, you have been around magic for over a year. I thought by now you would come to understand its possibilities and impossibilities.’ 

You could hear Eris’s smirk and arrogant tone sneering into your ear, and it made your will to apologise all the more difficult. 

‘Why haven’t you told anyone of what I did on Winter Solstice?’

There it was. The question that had been consuming you. It took Eris a few minutes to respond and was something you duly noted.

‘When it comes to the Night Court, blackmail is a scarce source to come by.’

Arrogant, and manipulative. You should have assumed that by now.  

‘Unfortunately, you won’t be getting much out of me.’

‘Not present in family pack meetings?’

You were surprised at the swift response. While his words were goading, enough to annoy you, you had already learnt from your previous encounter. So you flourished in the amusement you got from this blossoming banter; despite its mocking undertones. 

‘Do you make it a habit of being unpleasant for every being you interact with? Or am I just a favourite?’

A smile forms across your lips, imagining how his smirk would form an irate glower.  

‘Do you make keeping secrets from your family a habit?’

Your smile vanishes. Manipulative, indeed. Eris knew how to find a bruise and press hard. You pause for a moment, wondering where he had learnt such things. Perhaps watching others at court or by book, or if, maybe, by a more brutal means of education. From what you’ve heard of Autumn Court, you wouldn’t be surprised. 

You shake your head when concern pangs deep within you.

‘Everyone keeps secrets. To not believe so is stupidly idyllic.’ 

‘Smart-mouthed, and terribly cynical.’

‘Wonderous things seem to happen when one’s mortality and choice are ripped away from them.’

You suppose it isn’t your fault for your bitterness. You’ve never truly vented out all you have gone through to another. There was an odd apprehension you had towards the Inner Circle, unsure which words to use and who to trust. And you neither wanted to go to Nesta or Elain, with the threat of triggering them of their trauma. You didn’t feel like you had the right to complain.

‘New life not treating you well?’

Eris could detect your upset; but for some unimaginable reason, his tone seemed to shift from condescension to something more genuine. Or, he was just effortlessly manipulative and had finally gotten into your head. 

Before you could form another witty response to dig back at Eris, another note appeared. 

‘You shouldn't believe all the lies they tell you.’

You blink, again surprised by the sudden shift. A loud crackle from the fire behind you agreed. 

‘It becomes hard, I fear, when your attitude already speaks for you.’

There was a prolonged silence after your reply disappeared into the void. You pondered an image of Eris leaning over his desk, jacket discarded, shirt unbuttoned to expose his collar, fingers running through his loosened hair as he deliberated. 

Then you were filled with more curiosity. Does he anxiously tap his quill, or did he jump his knee when lost? Or maybe he was always that suave male full of vanity, and he found something more entertaining than passing notes. 

You swallowed thickly. 

A paper finally appeared. 

‘Truth has a weight lies cannot conjure. Unfortunately, while one lie is easy to expose, a lie told a thousand times can begin looking like the truth. And when family is involved, those of your Inner Circle pointedly look in the other direction.’ 

‘You seem to be well versed with the damage of lies. Yet it should be assumed, with someone good at playing the liar.’

Eris’s words sunk deeply, and you were almost uncomfortable with them. He remained vague and passive, not telling you everything but expecting you to figure it out anyhow. 

‘Sometimes a lie is safer than the truth.’

A pause and another note appeared soon after. 

‘I can tell you’re a smart girl, dearest. Believe the lies you wish, they pose no threat to me. But if it is the truth you seek, you’ll find written laws a difficulty to disprove.’

Your nose scrunches up, and you no longer feel the urge to deign a response to Eris. It wouldn’t be honest to say you weren’t intrigued, but you weren’t going to be sent off on a witch hunt. Yet, it wasn’t like you had much else to do to fill your time when you and Elain were left to your own devices.    

It seemed like it was time to accept Nesta’s proposal to visit the library. 

The library carved into the side of a mountain had always been one of many things that enchanted you. And with talk of shadowy monsters lurking down on the lowest level, it only added to its spectral atmosphere. 

You strode close beside Nesta, who wore a rare smile. She wasn’t expecting your agreements to join her weekly ventures to the library, but shock soon passed into hidden excitement.

Nesta and you had very few things in common; only one thing connected you: reading. When your family lived without money, you rotated between three novels and one completed anthology. While you enjoyed different subjects, you both had a favoured taste for romance. 

“There’s a whole bookcase dedicated to romance,” Nesta had mentioned, a familiar spark in her eye. “If that is what you’re looking for.”

You chew the inside of your cheek. It was clear Nesta worked out that you came here to find something specific. Explaining what you were looking for would mean giving context, and you were by no means giving away that secret—not yet, at least.

“Just a wander,” you reply, weaving truth with lie. “But if you could point me in the direction of the non-fiction sections, it would be a great help,” you added, much to Nesta’s evident suspicion. 

“One level below,” Nesta replies slowly, gesturing towards the staircase leading downward. 

You give Nesta a small smile. “Thank you,” you’d murmur in parting, picking up your skirts to descend. 

Without your eldest sister as a figure of direction, there was an eerie feeling settling deep in your chest. Marble rock carved into pillars that looked more like billowing clouds seemed to create contorted shadows by the specific placement of lamps and fireplaces. 

Books made with all sorts of coverings and dyes were cramped into lacquered shelves, resembling an organised chaos.

One thing that always made books appealing was how they carried an age to them. Further into the halls of books, it felt like you were falling into another world, hidden away from the reaches of reality. 

You soon found the case dedicated to court histories, then the shelf of individual court laws and proceedings. Locating the book now a fading umber colour, you had to hold back a sneeze and a cough at the dust that fogged from its release.

The pages were a soft yellow, a physical testament to the years this book of Autumn laws has lived. It was weighted with thousands of papers on all of the statutes and practices, and you audibly sighed at the amount you may have to sift through to find what Eris had sent you off to discover. 

You only had an idea, assuming that the lies Eris was referring to were about Mor and their short arranged engagement. Upon opening the tome, flicking through the key, you eyed out for the laws on marriage. You found the section on marriage and engagement but felt your mouth dry at seeing that it was under ‘Female Law’.  

Something churned in your gut, already fretting at what you may find. 

Then, there it was. Section 12, Part Three, on engagements.

‘(a) In relation to a betrothal between courts: 

(i) upon a promised female of an outside court crosses into Autumn borders and is touched by the promised male and/or an Autumn citizen, is henceforth a female belonging to Autumn Court.

(ii) a female that is mated to a male Autumn citizen is henceforth a female belonging to Autumn Court.’

A lump forms in your throat as realisation settles.

You stared long and hard at the final letter you and Eris had exchanged. 

Having been told the abbreviated version of what transpired between the heir of the Autumn Court and Mor, you couldn’t help but question the long-standing grudge. 

What could’ve Eris done differently?

It was Keir who had Mor left on the borders, a sign embedded in her womb for Eris to find. Touching her would thus seal her fate to the Autumn Court, whether or not Eris went through with the marriage. Mor didn’t want to be trapped in Autumn if her actions spoke enough for her.  

‘And when family is involved, those of your Inner Circle pointedly look in the other direction.’ That was certainly true enough. 

You wanted to interrogate Eris; out of anger and because of an odd form of distress. Your perception of him was waning into something new, but what terrified you more was the perception of the Inner Circle’s integrity. A part of you wanted to question Azriel. 

Pulling out a fresh sheet of paper, you dip your quill into a pot of ink.

‘Section 12, Part Three.’ 

It’s all you need to write for Eris to know what you’re inferring. He was the one to send you off on this little hunt. 

It takes all but a few minutes before a wisp of paper to return above the rune. 

‘So the dearest second sister knows how to hunt for truths. Was reading my court’s laws an invigorating study?’

Still condescending and an irritation, as you feared. 

‘You said it yourself, laws are hard to disprove. And yet it seems the Inner Circle remains to paint you as the enemy.’

‘Willful ignorance is a dreadful thing, is it not? Especially when they’re made to be educated on things such as law.’

You roll your eyes a little. There was a swift urge to defend those who had given you a place of safety after your Change into a being of immortality and magic. Especially your three sisters. 

‘Not all of them know. My sisters don’t know.’

‘The High Lady of The Night Court uneducated in the matters of court laws? A true inspiration of leadership.’

Eris found another bruise and pressed. It hurt all the more as there were no words to come to the defence of it. It was a hard, cold fact. He was right, again—truth had a weight no lie could conjure.  

‘You forget it was she who saved Prythian. Your life and freedom are indebted to her.’

‘I have not forgotten, and have no intention to let it slip my memory. But the truth of the matter is that fighting and leading a court of people are two entirely different undertakings. The High Lord of The Night Court is well versed in the importance of timing, and I shall remain unsurprised he made a leader out of a female whom every fae in power is indebted to.’

Your teeth sink into the inside of your cheek, drawing blood. You came into this conversation to show your shifting perspective of this male, yet instead, his continual will to make digs and accusations makes it harder to keep any thought positive. 

But perhaps this was just your stubbornness showing its head. Your sense of loyalty to your family was something that weighed down on you. It made your heart ache and mind ravaged with anxiety at keeping just one secret from them. Or, just maybe, this wasn’t just your undying loyalty, but that same debt you hold yourself to. 

Eris spoke nothing but the truth. Sure, he was conniving and wove insults to point it out, but he did it to force you to see the facts as they were. He reminded you all too much of Nesta. 

‘What are you trying to prove? My sister is the High Lady, no matter the personal or political reasoning.’

There was a prolonged silence after you sent off your response. Eris was either contemplating a witty retort or a genuine reply. Yet with him, one could never be too sure of the intentions he holds. 

‘Your wavering trust.’

Your mouth dries as you read the sentence a couple of times. Something rolls in your stomach, and despite your will to deny it, his words force you to consider it either way. 

‘I trust my sisters with my life.’

‘And what of those they call the Inner Circle?’

‘They have given me a place of safety, kept food in my belly and a warm bed to sleep in every night. I am indebted to them, and have no reason to distrust them.’

‘Yet, as it seems, you talk to me, an “enemy” as you put it, in the secrecy of your room. There must be some outside thinking when you also seek out a missing truth behind the story of Morrigan and myself.’

You glower, eyes practically burning into the note. The quill you held was tossed onto the desk, the ink that still coated the tip flicking small splatters across the wood, staining it black. Eris won’t get another response from you, and you can only imagine his shallow snickering of victory in your ear. 

Hauling out the box that was once used to carry a gown from under your bed, you shove all the notes inside, along with the autumn-born choker. 

Spring was finally sinking its warm embrace over Valeris, and for the first time in your life, you dreaded the turnover in seasons. 

Not only was it a testament to time’s rapid passing, reminding you that the body you were now in will never wrinkle with age or mottle in the sun, but having an excuse to wear gloves will be next to impossible. You were already getting lingering eyes from Azriel and Elain, and you adamantly avoided their silent questions. 

There were things you weren’t ready to unpack, including the aftermath of what the Cauldron has done to you. Ravaged your mind with endless nightmares of that same anxiety-inducing claustrophobia and the poisoned burn that is beginning to climb up from your palms to your wrists. 

But as Elain continually mentions, Spring is the season of change, and the prophetic-sounding words only built a foundation of dread.

You and Eris don’t exchange notes after he supplants the thought in your head of your growing lack of trust; your wavering loyalty. Where dreams kept you sleepless, those ideas stole away your daily focus. And you couldn’t help but begin to see it. 

There was always that underlying fear of telling anyone, perhaps other than Elain, of your blossoming powers. Watching what Nesta went through, overhearing arguments and seeing your eldest sister forcefully broken down into submission, you only felt trepidation. Would you be made to train into another soldier? 

Whatever souls were made of, you knew Nesta and Feyre were cut from the same cloth, no matter how much either of them denied it. They were both fighters, while you and Elain held a silent strength. 

You were not made to hold a sword, and that was a fact you knew in your bones. So that silent strength is what you resorted to as always to keep that blade from being forced into your hand, no matter how much that poison within you pillaged from the inside out.

You were outside in the garden with Elain, watching her quietly as she weeded and planted new flowers into freshly turned soil beds. 

With winter finally bending to spring and all the ice melting away, Elain was finally able to get back into doing what she loved, while you got to have the excuse of lounging out in the sun, soaking in the warmth that chased away the chill always lingering under your skin.

Insects were now crawling out from holes in trees, singing out in hopes of finding their seasonal mate, filling the usually foreboding silence.   

“I dreamt of you last night,” Elain suddenly spoke, pulling you out of your daydreaming. Lulling your head towards your sister, you notice her glazed eyes and lethargic movements when ripping a weed from root and stem. You began to find a pattern with her; decerning when she was present or in a far-off land. And currently, it felt as though she wasn’t with you. 

Recently, Elain would vicariously mention a dream, yet you knew somewhere deeply instinctual that they weren’t just her imagination. She was a seer, as Azriel had discovered.

“A good one, I hope,” you reply after a long moment.

Elain would smile softly, her aura lightening and easing your worried heart. “You were with your fox again. Somewhere where the sun is bright and the sea clear.”

You look on with mild amusement and confusion. Elain’s visions of you would only ever include an animal. A sly fox, a troubled crow, a nocuous raven. It was a recent change in vocabulary, where the fox was suddenly yours.

Sharing your sister’s smile, you sit content, when the air shifts and a new weight settles in the vicinity. You turn your head as someone enters the garden, and pauses on the outskirts like an intruder overthinking their plans. 

Elain was no longer trapped in her mind’s vision upon seeing Lucien; his expression taught and brows bunched. You sigh, standing from where you sat next to Elain, knowing she won’t want to greet the male. 

Lucien waits for you, maintaining Elain’s wishes of distance despite his burning upset. 

“Hello, Lucien,” you greet, stomach churning a little when seeing how his eyes don’t leave Elain even when you approach. When you finally stand in front of him, did Lucien shift his focus. 

Returning your greetings, Lucien made it hard not to empathise with when he looked so torn with longing. But despite it, you could understand your sister too. From what you grew up believing, it was hard to not initially think of a mate bond as a form of ownership. And when your control and mortality have already been ripped from you, keeping a sense of self is all that is left. 

“I thought you were returning to the… human lands,” you continue, stuttering over your choice of words a little. It still sometimes feels like those lands are your home. 

Lucien shook his head a little. “I was—am,” he replies slowly, tripping over his own words too. “I just wanted to see…” he pauses, swallows thickly, and looks away. 

Your lips form a firm line. You admired Lucien for respecting Elain’s wants, but you couldn’t also fault him for hoping for a change in heart. 

“We both wish you safe travels,” you say, shifting on your feet to be able to look from him and back to Elain. 

Lucien nods once, a strained and forceful action. His gaze inevitably returns to his mate, and it’s like you could see his glass heart fracturing a little more. 

He needed a distraction, at least momentarily, and you certainly had questions for him. “I didn’t know you were a messenger for your brother,” you lead, raising a brow as you once again position yourself between Elain and Lucien’s prolonging stare. 

Lucien blinks, his golden eye analysing whilst his natural one widens a fraction. He was quick to regain composure, shaking his head a little. “I owed him a favour. And despite him, I shared in his current situation,” the red-headed male replied, voice flitting back into its calming timbre sound. 

You raise a suspicious look at him. “What situation?” Your voice comes out a little too clipped. 

The male in front of you pales a shade as if realising he perhaps spoke a little too much. “There are many things I know that aren’t my place to tell,” Lucien excuses, and from the finality in his tone, you knew you wouldn’t be extracting it from him.  

You mask a flicker of annoyance and instead sigh, nodding once. Lucien returns the gesture, levelling one last look at Elain before turning to walk away. An idea suddenly sparks in you, and you reach to pause his leave.

“Feyre once mentioned that in Spring Court there were entire glens of flowers,” you call back over to him, drawing Lucien’s gaze back onto you. “Elain’s favourite flower is a tulip.”

Lucien looks momentarily stunned until he grasps the olive branch you are giving him. A turning point, perhaps even a starting place to share something they both love. His eyes showed appreciation. 

Before Lucien spoke again, his nose twitched and his eyes snapped skywards. His nostrils flared, and then you finally smelt it too. The iron that was so potent in blood. 

You didn’t know who or where it was coming from, but that familiar dread curled up your spine when your instincts told you it was familiar. It took all that was in you not to choke when Lucien murmured what your subconscious knew. 

“Feyre.”

For all the fae magic in the continent, for all its possibilities, you had never believed it so useless when seeing your youngest sister laid out in white sheets. 

Blood stained everything; it permeated the air until it was so thick you could taste it in the back of your throat. You remember your mother educating you on the practice of childbirth. She never cared for softened words, but she did for the truth. There would be blood, there would be pain, and there would be risks. 

This was wrong. Feyre was supposed to have months more of time. There were never supposed to be hurried choices, prayers spoken in hushed voices, knives pulled out for one stroke of luck of the babe surviving. 

You were gripping Elain’s arm, while your other hand pushed sweat-dampened hair off of Feyre’s forehead. The world was going blurry, mixing red with white. 

Rhys was screaming as Feyre’s skin began turning cold. Something in your chest simmered, and the pressure in your burning sternum agonised and writhed as you were wracked with sobs. You felt like you were dying with her. 

You cling to Elain, watching Nesta with tear-stricken confusion and undeniable hope when she calls forth her powers. In your mind, you screamed for help, begging the old fae gods above not to take Feyre away. 

It all happened so quickly; from drowning in a raging form of grief to the bursting feelings of relief and joy. Feyre’s eyes opened at the chorus of cries coming from the once-too-still baby boy.

Nesta had given the Cauldron back what she had stolen. 

You laughed just as hard as you cried, horror still deeply blended with hope. You cared little for the blood seeping into your skirts as you took Feyre's hand in your's.

Deep beneath your thorned soul, a warm hand soothed away all lingering sorrow.

CHAPTER THREE

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[defjux]

Here's a 12x12 of some of my favorite albums that aren't rap albums. I did one of those recently as well, which you can find here. I think some years back I also made a similar list of the albums that were most influential for me, but this is more of an inclusive list of the stuff I generally just enjoy listening to the most these days. One album per artist, and only the first two rows are in order. I might do another one these in the future with all of the albums I love that didn't make the cut this time around, but for now i'm happy with how this turned out Chart with album titles included Maybe I could add as many of these albums as possible to a spotify playlist - is that something any of you would be interested in? What albums are your favorite, do we have any in common? If you've got any kind of list of your own i’d love to see it. Peace.

 1. At the Drive-In - Relationship of Command  2. Björk - Vespertine 3. Portishead - Third 4. Gospel - The Moon Is a Dead World 5. Stereolab - Dots and Loops 6. Glassjaw - Worship and Tribute 7. Cocteau Twins - Treasure 8. Sade - Love Deluxe 9. The Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works 10. Sun Ra - Lanquidity 11. J Dilla - Donuts 12. Grouper - Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill 13. John Coltrane - Sun Ship 14. Converge - You Fail Me 15. The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium 16. Slowdive - Souvlaki 17. Jeromes Dream - Seeing Means More Than Safety 18. Max Roach - Members, Don't Git Weary 19. Boards of Canada - Geogaddi 20. Joni Mitchell - Hejira 21. Isis - Wavering Radiant 22. Broadcast - Tender Buttons 23. Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights 24. Charles Mingus - Let My Children Hear Music

25. Q and Not U - No Kill No Beep Beep 26. Fugazi - Red Medicine 27. Orchid - Orchid 28. My Bloody Valentine - Loveless 29. Tim Hecker - Harmony In Ultraviolet 30. Candy Claws - Ceres & Calypso in the Deep Time 31. Natural Snow Buildings - The Dance of the Moon and the Sun 32. toe - For Long Tomorrow 33. maudlin of the Well - Leaving Your Body Map 34. Ichiko Aoba - マホロボシヤ (Mahoroboshiya) 35. United Nations - The Next Four Years 36. Miles Davis - In A Silent Way 37. Nujabes - Modal Soul 38. Unwound - Repetition 39. Aphex Twin - Drukqs 40. Ornette Coleman - Science Fiction 41. Agalloch - Ashes Against the Grain 42. Siouxsie and the Banshees - Tinderbo 43. Yves Tumor - Heaven to a Tortured Mind 44. Boris - Flood 45. Massive Attack - Mezzanine 46. Boredoms - Vision Creation Newsun 47. Akira Yamaoka - Silent Hill 2 48. Paddy McAloon - I Trawl The Megahertz 49. Panopticon - Autumn Eternal 50. Kate Bush - Hounds of Love 51. Krallice - Years Past Matter 52. Every Time I Die - The Big Dirty 53. Kayo Dot - Choirs of the Eye 54. The Blood Brothers - ...Burn, Piano Island, Burn 55. Pavement - Brighten the Corners 56. slauson malone - A Quiet Farwell, 2016-2018 57. Sonny Sharrock - Ask The Ages 58. Drive Like Jehu - Yank Crime 59. Flying Lotus - Cosmogramma 60. Sonic Youth - EVOL 61. The Field - From Here We Go Sublime 62. The Cure - Disintegration 63. Madlib - Beat Konducta Vol. 5-6 A Tribute To... 64. Autechre - LP5 65. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On 66. Yusef Lateef - Eastern Sounds 67. The Chariot - Long Live 68. tricot - T H E 69. Funkadelic - Maggot Brain 70. Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers - Moanin' 71. Prince - Sign "☮︎" the Times 72. Godspeed You! Black Emperor - F♯A♯∞ [1995–1997] 73. The Avalanches - Since I Left You 74. Sunny Day Real Estate - How It Feels to Be Something On 75. NoMeansNo - Wrong 76. David Bowie - The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust 77. Oh No - Oh No Vs. Now-Again 78. Alcest - Écailles de lune 79. Electric Masada - At the Mountains of Madness 80. Grant Green - Idle Moments 81. Julia Holter - Loud City Song 82. Frank Zappa - Hot Rats 83. Alice Coltrane - Journey in Satchidananda 84. Protomartyr - Relatives In Descent 85. Hüsker Dü - Zen Arcade 86. Chelsea Wolfe - Abyss 87. Tatsuro Yamashita - For You 88. Bruno Pernadas - Those Who Throw Objects at the Crocodiles... 89. Rahsaan Roland Kirk - The Inflated Tear 90. Discordance Axis - The Inalienable Dreamless 91. The Fall of Troy - Doppelgänger 92. Talking Heads - Speaking in Tongues 93. Death - Symbolic 94. Modest Mouse - The Moon & Antarctica 95. King Crimson - Red 96. Junko Yagami - Communication 97. Ne Obliviscaris - Portal Of I 98. Wayne Shorter - Speak No Evil 99. Wolves in the Throne Room - Two Hunters 100. Refused - The Shape of Punk to Come 101. Fishmans - Uchu Nippon Setagaya 102. DJ Shadow - Endtroducing..... 103. Hiatus Kaiyote - Mood Valiant 104. Pharoah Sanders - Karma 105. Brutus - Nest 106. fleshwater - We're Not Here to Be Loved 107. Lightning Bolt - Hypermagic Mountain 108. Burial - Untrue 109. NEPTUNIAN MAXIMALISM - Éons 110. Weyes Blood - Titanic Rising 111. Standing On The Corner - Red Burns 112. Taeko Onuki - SUNSHOWER 113. Pg.99 - Document #8 114. Alvvays - Blue Rev 115. Genesis Owusu - Smiling with No Teeth 116. Cibo Matto - Stereotype A 117. D'Angelo - Voodoo 118. Gouge Away - Burnt Sugar 119. Opeth - Ghost Reveries 120. The Number Twelve Looks Like You - Worse Than Alone

121. Ahmad Jamal Trio - The Awakening 122. Bill Evans - Symbiosis 123. Deftones - Koi No Yokan 124. The Chameleons - Script of the Bridge 125. Newfound Interest In Connecticut - Tell Me About the... 126. City of Caterpillar - City of Caterpillar 127. Minnie Riperton - Come To My Garden 128. Lil Ugly Mane - THIRD SIDE OF THE TAPE 129. mewithoutYou - Catch For Us The Foxes 130. Love Spirals Downwards - Flux 131. Ohbliv - Retrospective 132. Liv.e - Couldn't Wait To tell You... 133. Shinsei Kamattechan - tsumanne 134. Herbie Hancock - Sextant 135. Beach House - Bloom 136. Wormrot - Hiss 137. Fiona Apple - Fetch the Bolt Cutters 138. Anri - Timely!! 139. Cloud Rat - Threshold 140. Polaris - Home 141. Yes - Close to the Edge 142. Bloc Party - Silent Alarm  143. Coaltar of the Deepers - Submerge 144. Deafheaven - Lonely People With Power