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nb-octopus-writes · 2 months

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once you're in the hive, the other bees assume you're supposed to be there

[Masterpost]

Summary:

Virgil accidentally gets absorbed by his best friend's brother's polycule.

In his defense, they keep feeding him every time they see him, and Patton's cooking is really good.

Chapter 1: Halloween Party

Wordcount: 1.9K

There are a lot of people Virgil doesn't know at this party. Remus is here, somewhere, and Virgil needs to find him again before the party ends, because Remus was his ride and he doesn't want to get left here. Janus is here too though, and Virgil doesn't think Janus would let Remus leave without him, and he's sure Remus wouldn't desert Janus, so he's trying not to worry too much about the fact that he doesn't currently know where Remus is.

But that's it for people Virgil knows, and Remus didn't even bother to introduce him to anyone before fucking off to who knows where, and Virgil’s certainly not going to walk up to a random stranger and introduce himself, so he's currently appreciating the snack table. If he's eating or deliberating on what to eat next, he can't be expected to talk to anybody, right?

“’Scuse me, itsy bitsy,” someone says from behind him, and Virgil turns to see a vaguely familiar man in a dazzling prince costume holding a fresh plate of deviled eggs.

Virgil moves so that the prince dude can set the plate down on a clear spot on the table, and frowns. “I'm taller than you, Princey.”

Prince dude shrugs, plucks one of the eggs up, and takes a large bite. “Lucky you, or we'd've had to ask you to vacate the premises,” he says. “No little spiders allowed, real or fake.”

Which, yeah, now that he's mentioned it, Virgil had noted an extreme lack of spider-themed decorations, which is unusual for Halloween. Usually there'd at least be spiderweb cupcakes, but the cupcakes at this party are mostly cute ghosts.

There's probably a good reason for that, Virgil realizes with a sinking feeling. “Should I change?”

“You got another costume handy, or were you planning on spinning a spider-silk cocoon and metamorphosing into a butterfly?”

Virgil grimaces. “No,” he admits.

Prince Dude considers him. “It's not very realistic,” he says, which is true. Virgil hadn't been going for realism, he'd been going for passable costume I can make on short notice. He's wearing black jeans and a black hoodie, and he'd cut some pool noodles in half and wrapped them in more black cloth and stuck them to his back for the other four legs. It had been a pain to get them to stay in place properly, actually, and he'd ended up sewing their wrappings to the back of his hoodie in order to keep them where he wanted them. He'd been pretty proud of it, given that Remus had dropped “we're going to a costume party at my brother's house” on him like an hour beforehand, but now he's wishing he'd come up with any other idea. He could have put a sheet over his head and been a ghost, or something. Granted, that would have required him to have a sheet that was both white and that he was willing to cut holes in, which he didn't, but still.

Prince Dude continues to quietly scrutinize Virgil, and he wants to squirm under his gaze. Eventually, the guy shrugs and says, “Might be best to ask the scaredy-cat himself. Wait here, I'll be back.” And he saunters off before Virgil can answer.

For lack of anything better to do, Virgil picks up a deviled egg and shoves the whole thing in his mouth. It's really tasty, actually, and now he's wishing he'd taken smaller bites rather than horking it down in one.

Virgil had thought that Princey was just being mean with the “scaredy-cat” thing, but the guy he's talking to now actually is dressed as a calico cat. Prince Dude points back at Virgil, and Mister Calico Cat glances in his direction, then turns back to Princey. Virgil can't hear what they're saying, but he supposes Prince Dude must've asked Calico if Virgil’s costume was too creepy crawly scary.

They talk for way longer than Virgil had expected, and he can't tell if Calico's response was more like “No, he's fine,” or more along the lines of “Yes, that's terrifying, please have him removed immediately from my sight and also my home.”

He occupies himself with another deviled egg. If he's going to get kicked out, he might as well enjoy some more of this tasty food first.

Oh, fuck. Remus.

Remus isn't going to want to leave early just to take Virgil home, and Virgil still doesn't know where he even is! Fuck!

Well, Remus could have warned him not to be a spider, so if Virgil gets kicked out of the party it'll be at least partly Remus's fault. Virgil doesn't know anybody here, but Remus knows at least half these people, and if Calico’s spider aversion is enough that there are no spider-themed decorations in the house on Halloween, that sounds like the kind of thing Remus would know about.

Granted, Remus revels in being gross and annoying, but still! He's not a total dick. He should have told Virgil.

Fucker.

Calico vanishes into the other room, and Prince Dude comes back over to Virgil. He doesn't look like he's about to kick Virgil to the curb, at least. Virgil braces himself anyway.

“Good news!” Princey says with a grin. “Li’l Mister Muffet says you don't look like a creepy crawly death dealer and he doesn't have the urge to remove you with arson!”

Virgil blinks. “...gooood?” he says slowly. He hadn't even considered kill it with fire being a potential response to his costume. That would have been worse than just getting kicked out of the party, actually.

“Honestly you're much more Doc Ock in silhouette, Spider-Man,” Princey continues. “That helps a lot.”

Virgil glances back at where Prince Dude and Calico had been chatting. “So he didn't leave the room because he can't stand the sight of me?” he asks anyway.

“Nah, he wanted to make another plate of horse devours,” Princey says, reaching past Virgil to grab a cupcake off the table. This one has a little frosting bat.

“A plate of what?” Virgil says, because surely he didn't hear that right.

“Little snacks,” Prince Dude clarifies instead of repeating himself. “Our fridge is crammed with delicious bits and bobs. It's been so hard to resist the temptation to eat them before the party.” He bites appreciatively into his cupcake, then adds with his mouth full, “You'd think he wouldn't notice what with how much he made, but nooo, sneak one chocolate covered cherry before party time and it's a lengthy scolding for you!” Princey sighs dramatically, then cheerfully devours the rest of his cupcake.

“...hors d'oeuvres?” Virgil says hesitantly.

“Yeah, a couple ordervs of deviled eggs, cheese and crackers, and those scrumptious little pinwheel things,” Princey says. Virgil’s not sure if Princey actually doesn't know how hors d'oeuvres is pronounced, or if he's messing with him, but then Princey gives him a mischievous grin that one, confirms that yes, Princey does know what he's doing, and two, is so familiar that it freezes Virgil in place as the pieces click together in his brain.

The lack of a mustache makes Prince Dude's face look different, and so does the way he did his makeup, and he carries himself differently, but it's undeniable all the same: Virgil knows that grin.

This is Remus's twin brother.

Now that he's connected the dots (you haven't connected shit) the family resemblance is clear even to Virgil’s honestly rather faceblind eyes.

This is Remus's brother, and it's his house they're partying at.

… Virgil doesn't remember the guy's name.

Fuck, he should've made sure he at least knew who the party hosts were, especially the one related to his mischief goblin of a best friend.

Well he can't exactly ask now, can he?

“Also like, five types of cupcakes,” Princey continues, oblivious to Virgil’s inner turmoil. “Seriously, have you tried the cupcakes? Chef Boiardelightful made multiple separate batches of different flavors, from scratch. And they're all delicious!”

Virgil smirks. “And did you try to snitch them before the party too?”

Princey gasps theatrically, pressing a hand to his chest. “How could you accuse me of such a thing!?” he protests with exactly as much dramatic emotion as Virgil would expect from Remus's twin. “For your information, I did not! I merely sampled a portion of the batter left on the spatula after the cupcakes had gone into the oven. Also some of the frosting.”

“He means that he licked the bowls clean,” says a new voice, and Virgil does not jump out of his skin, thank you very much. And even if he did jolt a little, it's nothing to the startled squawk Princey emits.

Calico's back, holding a platter of little finger sandwiches on toothpicks. He offers them up to Virgil, who takes one. “Thanks.”

“No worries, kiddo!” Calico says cheerfully, and puts the rest of the platter down on the snack table. Princey plucks up two sandwiches by their toothpicks, and gets a stern look in response. “Make sure to leave some for the guests,” Calico scolds.

“My delightful and beloved Patissier,” Princey says, cupping Calico's face gently with his free hand. “I assure you that each of our guests could have a heaping plateful of food and we would still have leftovers until next Tuesday. No-one will be going home hungry.”

It really is an impressive spread. Everything Virgil’s tried has been really good. Remus really could have played up the ‘free food’ angle more when trying to convince Virgil to come. If he'd known the food would be this good, then overriding his usual party-related reservations—it's gonna be loud, there will be a lot of people, I don't know anybody, etc—would have been a lot easier. Then again, Virgil probably wouldn't have believed him. He'd mostly been expecting pizza and cheap beer, honestly, not– not homemade delicacies.

The tiny sandwich Calico gave him is lightly toasted, with some kind of sliced-meat-and-cream-cheese filling, and a little green leafy garnish on top. It definitely looks much fancier than most things Virgil eats, and he can understand why Calico doesn't want Princey to eat them all. That probably took a decent amount of effort. He almost feels bad eating it himself, except that Calico had offered it to him specifically, and it would probably be more rude at this point to not eat it.

“Are you sure my costume is okay?” Virgil asks, interrupting the minor squabble Princey and Calico had fallen into.

“Oh, yes, you're fine,” Calico assures him. “Trust me, if you were pinging my brain as an actual spider I wouldn't be in the room right now, let alone standing next to you.”

“Really, cause most cats I know would eat a spider soon as look at it,” Virgil quips, and is rewarded with Calico laughing.

“That wouldn't be very good host-ly of me, now would it?” he says. “I would never eat a guest!”

“Not unless they're a reptile with scallions,” Princey teases, and Calico flushes.

“Hey!” he protests, swatting Princey's shoulder with one hand and trying to cover his extremely red face with the other. Virgil wonders what the reference was, exactly, but doesn't think it's his place to ask. It seems rather personal, from how hard Calico is blushing.

…maybe he'll ask Remus later if he knows what the story there is.

~~~~

Chapter 2: The Morning After

#nb octopus writes #Accidental Polycule Infiltration Fic #sanders sides #creativitwins #Virgil POV #multichapter #1 #royality #mociet #(implied)#polysanders

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mrs-luigi-vargas · 2 months

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UNO Reverse Kidnapping

Rating: General Audiences Characters: Mario, Luigi, Peach, Bowser, Kamek, Bowser Jr, Polterpup Relationships: Pre-Bowser/Mario/Peach/Luigi, minor Mario/Peach Tags: Humor, Bowser has a crisis(tm)

Summary: The traditional courting rituals of Bowser's Kingdom weren't really known by those who didn't hail from within its borders. What even fewer knew was that the whole kidnapping thing King Bowser did was based on one of the last vestiges of said rituals, pulled forward by circumstance, convenience, and because some people are more of a romantic at heart than what they'd have you believe.

Understandably unaware of all this, Mario lays in the grass outside his home and wonders about the feasibility of kidnapping Bowser, for a change.

It turns out it’s more feasible than Luigi insists it is.

Word Count: 3,957 words

[AO3 Link]

~~~

White, puffy clouds floated above Mario as he lay splayed out on his back on his and Luigi’s front lawn. Nearby, Luigi leaned against the railing of their front porch, sipping the last of his lemonade and watching his brother bask in the warm summer sun. The two of them savored this moment of peace, a type of moment that had been proving to be more and more difficult to find these days, thanks to a certain archnemesis of Mario’s.

“Seriously,” Luigi complained, swirling the ice in his glass around and around, “the month’s not even half over and he’s already made a grab for her three times! What's going on in that big head of his?”

Mario shrugged, rolling over to face Luigi. In the years of this song and dance, Bowser’s attempted kidnappings had never been this frequent, to even trod upon the unspoken rules of courtesy said song and dance possessed. And while Peach was convinced it was a jealousy-fueled tantrum triggered by her newfound romantic unavailability due to her officially entering a relationship with Mario, Mario wasn't so sure. The kidnapping attempts lacked a focus, beyond the expected side effect of the shrinking gap between failure and reattempt. In its place sat something else. Something frustrated, even with temporary successes. Something desperate, behind his usual bravado. Something confused, even as Mario trounced him as usual. Mario...couldn't quite name it.

“Well, whatever’s going on, Bowser needs to sort it out himself. He can't keep wasting Peach’s time like this.” Luigi crunched on an ice cube. “Bet he wouldn't like it if he was kidnapped so much,” he grumbled.

Mario huffed. Luigi refilled his drink. When he looked up again, Mario had his chin propped in a hand, a faraway look of thought on his face.

Luigi’s brow furrowed. “What’re you thinking about...?” he asked warily.

The smirk Mario wore when he came back to himself was conspiratorial. He gestured at Luigi.

“...Peach being behind on work?” Luigi guessed. Mario shook his head, still smirking.

“...Bowser getting kidnapped?”

Mario nodded rapidly.

“Huh? What about that would...” The gears in Luigi’s head turned. All at once, Mario’s meaning hit him, and he gaped at his brother, mouth opening and closing uselessly. “We can't kidnap Bowser!” he finally burst out, and Mario fell into a fit of laughter.

“I —! That was just —!” Luigi sputtered, waving his arms. “I wasn't serious!” he exclaimed. “How would we even do that?! It’s Bowser! It’s impossible! We’re not trying it,” he declared, seeing Mario gear up to explain.

Mario drooped in disappointment.

“We’re not!”

Before Mario could attempt to explain his idea a second time, someone called Mario’s name. It was a Toad, running up the path.

“Mario,” he panted, “Mario...he...the Princess...” With one last gasp, the Toad collapsed. Mario rushed forward to tend to him.

“Speak of the devil.” Luigi sighed. “Yo, bro, where’d you put your adventuring pack? Wait, never mind, I remember seeing it somewhere...”

By the time Luigi found Mario’s bag and stuffed a few extra Mushrooms and Syrups into it, Mario had carried the Toad into the house and laid him on the couch. Luigi held out the bag to Mario. “I’ll sit this one out, I think,” he said when Mario’s gaze turned questioning. “I’m still sore from the last rescue. And it’ll spare me from listening to any more of your crazy ideas.”

Mario snorted. With a wave, he was gone, leaving Luigi with the messenger Toad.

Luigi reached over and flicked on a table fan, positioning it to blow air over the Toad. “...do you want some lemonade?” he asked. He got a mumbled, “yes, please,” in response. Luigi patted the crown of the Toad’s head as he went to the kitchen to pour some for him to drink.

---

The next day found Luigi following Toadsworth through the winding hallways of Peach’s Castle. They stopped at a door that Toadsworth opened for him; after a few stern words about behaving, Toadsworth left him be. As soon as Toadsworth turned the corner out of sight, Luigi relaxed from the tense posture he’d been holding the whole time. Man, Toadsworth could be intimidating.

The sound of Peach’s laughter reached his ears, and Luigi raised his head to see her and Mario sitting around a big circular table in the center of the room, framed by large papers and maps across the walls.

“He’s not that intimidating,” Peach giggled.

“Easy for you to say,” Luigi replied. “You grew up with him! And don't you start, either,” he continued at Mario’s matching chuckling. “If you don't think he’s intimidating, then what’s with all the sneaking about you two have to do whenever you guys wanna do anything more than hold hands?”

Neither Mario nor Peach answered him, but their sheepish smiles said enough.

Luigi treaded further into the room, noticing the little tea set perched on top of the table. “This is a weird place for tea,” he remarked.

Peach hummed, pouring him a cup. Luigi sat down with it, and Peach took a long sip of her own. She placed her cup back down onto its saucer.

“...so Mario was telling me about a fascinating little idea he’d had recently —”

“Mario!” Luigi whirled around to glare at him. “I told you we can't do that!”

“Sure we can,” Peach chirped.

“But it’s Bowser!”

“I know! But I have some ideas!”

Peach stood and practically danced over to the far wall, on which she put a hand and spun it, revealing a chalkboard with some impressive-looking flowcharts that she then proceeded to explain. To her credit, she did have some ideas. And they seemed...almost plausible. Scarily plausible, Luigi had to admit. She and Mario had evidently put a lot of thought into this crazy idea.

“Okay,” Luigi said when Peach finished. “So...even if” — Mario and Peach grinned at him — “if this is a thing we do, then...where are we supposed to put him? We can't bring him here. The Toads will flip!”

Mario and Peach kept grinning at him.

“...why are you looking at me like that?”

---

Bowser woke up slowly.

He lay there, wherever he was, listening. To the sound of his own breathing, to the thudding drumbeat of his heart; to the droning hum in the air, to the shuffling of footsteps and the creaking of wood beyond it. He took a deep breath, smelling a mustiness in the air, along with the faintest hint of perfume.

It was that last detail that made him open his eyes. He was met with bars of glowing energy in front of him, which was totally different from what he last remembered seeing. Light that surrounded him, he noticed as he sat up and looked around, as a dome with barely enough room inside to stretch both his arms out, and when he stood his horns barely sat under the roof of it. Through the light, he could see a rug, a couch, a table, a TV. Some sort of basement den, it seemed. Hardly the sort of place you’d expect the King of the Koopas to be held after being captured. Despite the circumstances, Bowser couldn't help but be indignant about the treatment.

But before he could voice his displeasure, he heard a gasp. He knew that gasp.

“Peaches!” She was standing in the corner of the room near the stairs, looking at him wide-eyed. “Where the heck are we?” Bowser asked, urgency in his voice. “Did they get you, too?”

Peach brightened. She turned and called up the stairs — “He’s awake!” — and moved aside just as Mario jumped down. He looked completely at ease, despite the circumstances. Soon after, Luigi came down at a more sedate yet anxious pace.

Bowser looked at them all. “...They didn't get all of you, did they? Or are you supposed to be my rescue party — not that I need one, obviously.”

“I wouldn't be too sure,” Peach said.

Bowser smirked. “We’ll see about that!”

Bowser gripped the bars of energy as if to bend them to breaking. His hands barely closed around them before a shock of electricity raced up his arms, painful and sudden enough for him to let go with a curse. He tried again to the same result, and when he pushed past the pain to try and actually bend the bars they didn't budge an inch.

The longer Bowser tried to escape, the tenser the line across Luigi’s shoulders became. And when Bowser finally privately admitted defeat, Luigi slumped into a nearby chair, hand pressed to his heart; Mario patted his shoulder, trying and mostly failing to keep amusement off his face as his brother sighed in...relief?

“What are you laughing for?” Bowser snapped, sparks all but spitting from his mouth. “Are you gonna get me out of here or not?”

“Not,” Peach said, and —

“Whaddaya, ‘not’?” Bowser roared, lunging at her. The bars of the cage flared as he slammed into them, and he recoiled with a shout. “Quit playing around!” he yelled as Mario and Luigi tensed protectively around Peach. “Is this your idea of a joke? You’re gonna need my help if whoever’s captured us — “

“We captured you,” Peach interrupted him.

“You —” The wind flew completely out of Bowser’s sails. “What?”

“Well, actually,” Peach amended, “we kidnapped you, I should say.” She sounded quite proud.

Bowser narrowed his eyes. He examined Peach, Mario, and Luigi in turn, for signs of any of them being possessed or something. Finding none, he laughed. “No you didn't!”

“Yes, we did!”

Bowser, without thinking, reached for the bars to break out. He was shocked back to reality in short order. He blinked.

“Ta-da!” Peach sang as Bowser stood nothing short of baffled. “It was mainly Mario’s idea,” she continued, and Mario waved.

“Wait, hold on, but the rest of the plan was your brain,” Luigi chimed in. “And my house,” he muttered.

“And the cage you rigged up,” Peach added, with a grateful smile. “So!” She clapped her hands and turned to Bowser, beaming. “How does it feel to be the one kidnapped out of nowhere for a change?”

Bowser stared at them. And stared at them. And stared at them. His face was borderline unreadable. He didn't quite look upset. Closer to ‘incredibly thrown off’, maybe. Either way, the silence stretched on, and under its weight the smirk slid off Peach’s face. She and the Marios exchanged unsure glances.

“I mean...” Peach bit her lip. “It was just...i-if this is actually upsetting, then maybe we can...let you out...?”

“Are you kidding?!” Bowser shouted, startling them all. “You can't just change your mind!” Despite the intensity of his words, he couldn't seem to look any of them in the eye as he spoke. “You managed to kidnap me, so stick to it!”

“R-right!” Peach said, standing tall. Bowser huffed, face bright red. Behind Peach’s back, Mario held out a hand for a high-five. Peach and Luigi (not so) discreetly accepted it.

“...so what do we do now?” Luigi asked.

“Uh...”

“Oh my god.” Bowser slapped a hand to his face. “Did you seriously not think this far?”

“Honestly, I’m surprised it all worked,” Luigi said.

“I’m surprised Mario could carry Bowser for that long.” Peach and Luigi looked at Mario consideringly. “Well, maybe not.”

Bowser stared at Mario, too. Mario flexed a bicep and winked at him. Bowser scowled, face somehow turning redder.

After a few moments of thinking, Mario circled around to the nearby desk. He rooted around in its drawers and unearthed a bundle of stationery, waving it around.

“Oh, of course!” Peach grabbed for the paper. “We should address it to...Bowser Junior, right?” The question was aimed at Bowser; Bowser pointedly turned away. Peach grinned. “Oh, and we should include Kamek, too!”

---

The letter was sent soon after. Though its sending had been delayed, because they had wanted to include with it a package of cookies Peach and Luigi had apparently been baking while they had waited for Bowser to wake. Bowser only knew about this because sometime after they’d left to send the letter, Mario had returned with a plate of them to give to him.

Eating the cookies did little to lighten the dark look on Bowser’s face; while he would never refuse something Peach had personally baked, the fact that one of the Marios had helped her do so wasn't bothering him as much as it was supposed to. And said Mario was currently fiddling with the cage’s control panel, way out of reach of Bowser. Under Bowser’s glower Luigi shifted nervously, and as he worked he kept glancing back at Mario, who was lounging on the couch, for emotional support. Until after one such glance, when he took a deep breath and met Bowser’s glare with a glare of his own. Their staring contest felt like it lasted forever. In the end, Bowser...looked away first.

“...So,” Bowser said, to distract from the fact that he just got out-glared by the resident coward. “There’s no way you guys are doing this alone, right? This is the sort of thing minions are good for, you know.”

“Oh, I know,” Luigi replied. “I got us some help, don't worry.”

“Who, the Toads?” Bowser rolled his eyes. “Those weaklings? My son deserves a challenge, you know.”

“N-no, it’s —”

As he spoke, Luigi’s eyes caught on something behind Bowser. He blanched immediately. Standing next to Bowser’s plate of cookies was a...dog, whose seemingly sudden appearance startled Bowser into stumbling when he noticed it. It barked at him cheerfully, wagging its tail.

“Oh no, doggy,” Luigi said, both alarmed and exasperated, “you’re not supposed to be in there...!”

The dog whined at Luigi’s words. It barked again, and then it snatched the last cookie from Bowser’s plate. Bowser dove to get it back with an inarticulate yell, but the dog had phased through the floor by the time he got there, so he crashed into the empty space.

The dog popped up next to Luigi, having eaten its stolen prize, uncaring of Bowser’s ire. Luigi knelt to talk to it, but before he could open his mouth the dog jumped onto him, licking his face. Despite himself, Luigi sputtered and laughed. The sound of it bounced around Bowser’s head enough that he completely missed what Luigi said next, and by the time he shook it away Luigi was watching him in concern, and the dog had curled up next to Mario.

Bowser scrambled for something to fill the silence that wasn't him being flustered about Luigi or whining about his cookies being gone. “...I want a cake,” Bowser said, in a way that fell towards the latter.

Luigi pursed his lips. “I’ll see what I can do, I think.” The earnestness of it had Bowser grinding his teeth.

Luigi turned to check the time on the clock. “Hey, doggy,” he called. The dog perked its head up. “The bambino’s gonna get here sooner than you think, you know.” Luigi held out a key. The dog leapt up and bounded over to take it. “Make sure they get here safe, okey-dokey? And keep the other ghosts in line for me?”

The dog’s answering bark was muffled, but nonetheless enthusiastic. Key in mouth, it turned and leaped to and through the wall.

“...there are ghosts here?”

“Yeah,” Luigi said. “It was kind of last minute, but they were happy to help out!”

“I thought you were afraid of ghosts, though. That’s like your whole thing.”

Luigi shrugged, though he looked disgruntled about Bowser’s judgment of him. “Well, some of them are friendly, and the others are...”

Behind him, Mario pointed to the ‘no-Boos-allowed’ sign hanging by the stairs.

“Well, they’re not allowed in certain rooms! So it’s fine!”

“‘Not allowed’?” Bowser crossed his arms. “Since when did the Boos listen to you? Wouldn't King Boo have something to say about that?”

“Not anymore,” Luigi said darkly. Something stuttered in Bowser’s chest.

...But now that Luigi’d mentioned it, he did remember the Boos chattering under their breaths about something a while back. Kamek had mentioned something about reconsidering alliances around that time, too. But it had all blown over relatively quickly, so he hadn't paid it any mind. Until now.

But wait — “I had an alliance with that guy!” Bowser complained. “The hell am I supposed to do now? I don't wanna make an alliance with you.”

Luigi evidently hadn’t thought about that, either, given the pinpricks his eyes shrank to. “Uh — no, it’s fine,” he stammered. “They like hanging around your castle anyway, ‘S long as they’re not causing too much trouble...?”

“...hmph.”

“A-anyway! I told them all to go easy on Junior so he shouldn’t get hurt too badly. And we’ll go easy on him too, when it’s our turn to fight him.”

Mario snorted, hopping off the couch and sauntering over under Luigi and Bowser’s surprised stares.

Bowser wasn't sure how to interpret that, except — “What do you mean you won't go easy on him?”

Mario waved a hand in dismissal, which didn't answer Bowser’s question. Neither did the cocky smirk on his face, which only served to sour Bowser’s mood.

Luckily, Mario had walked within arm’s reach, so Bowser’s impulse to reach out through the bars and grab Mario by the lapels with a hand was rewarded quite well. Luigi yelped as Mario crashed into the cage feet-first. “What do you mean?” Bowser repeated in a growl. Mario laughed at him, bracing against the bars. His eyes sparkled with mischief, and that was when Bowser realized Mario was teasing him. Which only served to make Bowser angrier, of course, and he strengthened his attempts to pull Mario in to be electrocuted. “You —!”

“Hello, boys.”

Everyone froze. Peach stood on the stairs, watching them with a raised brow. “What are you doing?”

“...Bowser wanted cake...?”

The look Peach sent Bowser was flat. Bowser grumbled, and let Mario go.

Peach walked over to Mario. “This feels atypical,” she wryly said to him, “but something tells me you’re the one that’s causing trouble, this time.”

Mario hummed. Peach’s face settled on amused as she touched a hand to his shoulder. They both ignored Bowser glaring daggers at the point of contact.

“I’m not sure there’s enough time to bake a cake before Bowser’s cavalry arrives,” Peach thought aloud. “But I guess we’ll see,” she said bemusedly when Mario nudged her. “As long as the both of you behave.”

Bowser scoffed. Mario grinned.

Mario took Peach’s hand in his, and they both went upstairs. Bowser’s eyes stayed on them even after they’d disappeared from the top of the staircase. Luigi noticed this, but before he could finish considering saying something about it Bowser snapped his head towards him, teeth bared in a snarl. Luigi yelped, and rushed up the stairs out of Bowser’s sight.

Alone in the basement aside from the low humming of his cage, Bowser sat heavily. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Beneath his eyelids, Mario smirked at him. Bowser put his head in his hands and groaned.

---

For the past few hours, Bowser had been bored out of his mind. Honestly, at least he let Peach wander around a room or a hallway on occasion.

Sure, they’d left him the TV remote, and there’d been a decent Toad Force V programming block earlier, but that had ended ages ago, replaced with other, infinitely more boring Mushroom Kingdom programming. Ugh.

But since the only other thing to do was self-examining his new burgeoning feelings toward his...kidnappers, after he’d turned the TV off he strained his ears for the sound of fighting upstairs. While he was confident that Junior could handle anything that could be thrown at him — especially since he had Kamek to help — Bowser was still ready to try and escape again if he needed extra backup on top of that, self-inflicted pain be damned.

Extra backup that didn't seem to be needed, because as the fighting upstairs died down Bowser could hear his son’s triumphant laughter through the ceiling, and it chased away any lingering worries Bowser had.

Before long, Junior raced down the stairs, Kamek on his heels. “Dad!” he exclaimed. He practically vibrated in front of the cage until Kamek figured out how to deactivate it, and as soon as the light faded he jumped forward to hug him.

“Junior!” Bowser cheered. “Wahaha, those losers were no match for you, huh?”

“Nope!”

As Bowser did some stretches now that he was out of that small space, Kamek shuffled up to him. “So,” he said blandly. “A kidnapping, hm? How...quaint.”

Bowser faltered. “Shut up, old man.”

Despite the warning, Kamek’s smirk at his charge’s demeanor could barely be qualified as hidden. He mock-sighed. “I suppose we should start adapting our usual plans to be able to include Mario and Luigi as well,” he lamented.

“We already get Luigi sometimes,” Junior said.

“That's because he tricks us, by pretending to be Princess Peach.”

Junior nodded in thought. “Can we kidnap Luigi for real, though? I like him.”

Bowser choked on air. “Wh-what?”

“He’s nice!” Junior said, with the air of someone stating something very obvious to someone very stupid. “He likes my drawings and plays games with me!”

“I —” Bowser coughed. “N-never mind! Tell me about what you had to do to get to me!” The attempt to change the subject succeeded, with Junior beginning to chatter about his little adventure. It also failed, because Kamek was openly smirking at him now. Bowser resolutely ignored him.

At the top of the stairs, the remnants of the final battle still lingered. Furniture lay overturned, and the floors and walls were littered with scuffs and scorch marks. Peach sat slumped under the open window, looking tired but unharmed. Mario and Luigi were still where Junior had left them, lying exhausted and covered in bruises and cuts on the floor near the center of the room. The dog from earlier was nudging at them curiously, but when it heard the sound of Junior blowing a raspberry at the downed pair it barked and ran towards him instead; soon the two were running around the room as if neither of them had participated in any sort of final battle at all.

“Well.” Kamek broke the silence. “That was...something.”

Mario laughed.

“Ya know, that wasn't so bad,” Luigi said.

“It was awful.” Bowser deadpanned. “You guys sucked at this.”

“Aw, come on, even you had a little fun, I’m sure.” Peach teased.

“No way,” Bowser grumbled. “Just because you got lucky this time doesn’t mean it actually meant anything.”

“...’this time’?”

“...Wha —?” Bowser paled. “I didn't say — Only time, I meant!”

Bowser was met with a myriad of looks.

“Only, that’s what I said! Gah!” Bowser exclaimed at the continued disbelief. “You know what, screw this! I’m outta here!”

Bowser stormed off, the clatter of the front door being ripped off its hinges heralding his departure from the house entirely. Junior ran after him, his new canine friend right behind, catching up just as Bowser disappeared into the forest.

“Will he be okay?” Luigi asked Kamek, sitting up. “He’s been acting kinda weird this entire time.”

“...He will be fine. Stop worrying about it.”

“Oh, okay. Uh. What were you saying in the other room about kidnapping us?”

“Stop worrying about it,” Kamek cackled, getting on his broom and flying away through the window before anyone could ask any more questions. No, he didn't need to tell them about the true reasons behind Bowser’s behavior. They’ll likely figure it out eventually. And the looks on their faces will be hilarious.

#hello this is the polycule that i've been thinking about for the past year+#they are so silly to me #(also dont mind me cannibalizing luigis mansion lore i havent played the third one haha)#mlv.fic #smb #royal plumbing polycule

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