#SALAD AND BREADSTICKS HERE I COME

[docholligay]

Oh I'm gonna get DRUNK at my mom's Christmas party tonight ahahhaah.

(It's an open bar, and dinner is lasagna, and...as a general rule I don't often eat beef and dairy together. Certainly not something ill break for catering at the least.)

[donatellarose]

— unplanned sleepover

Leon Kennedy x f!reader

rated e - 828 words

tags: fluff, comfort, you were both in Raccoon City and it gave you trauma, thunderstorms, panic attacks, hair play, both DSO agents, established relationship, let me know if I missed any

prompt: doing each other's hair from angellilacs

dividers: saradika graphics

notes: Though I adore all versions of Leon and his ever changing hair and eye colors, Death Island Leon is my Leon of choice to swoon over.

A thunderstorm leaves you stranded at the DSO with Leon, resulting in an unexpected sleepover.

You and your boyfriend shared many things in common. You were both agents within the Division of Security Operations and had seen firsthand what bio-terrorism could inflict on an innocent town. While Leon's experience in Raccoon City on his first day as a rookie cop was nightmarish in it's own right, you have been a civilian in that same town fortunate enough to get to safely before the virus spread rapidly. This experience left you both with scars, physical and mental.

Shortly after you had arrived at the DSO, you met Leon. Your desk was close to his, and both of you constantly found yourselves working late in order to research cases and complete reports. As if you were both driven to prevent bioweapons from having the same disastrous impact ever again. What was once a strong friendship blossomed into something more.

It was a normal Tuesday. Both you and Leon had grabbed a quick dinner at the cafeteria. A slice of cheese pizza and a rather pathetic looking salad for yourself, while Leon opted for spaghetti and breadsticks. It was only after you had both settled back at your respective desks that thunder shook the entire building. You flinched in surprise, glancing over at Leon to see his blue eyes go wide as well.

You drew a sharp inhale, feeling the familiar tightness in your chest and your heart began to race. Maybe it was the flash of lightning but it seemed like the room was shifting before your eyes. Your hands trembled as your nails dug into your wooden desk.

Leon's concerned form was suddenly by your side, his warm hand lightly cupping your cheek as he took in your pale face.

"Sweetheart? Will you come with me?

You manage a nod, taking his hand as he leads you out of the office into a stairwell. Traveling down two flights of stairs, Leon guides you into the isolated training room with a firm but gentle hand on your lower back.

You ease yourself shakily on the training mat typically used for sparring before finally mumbling a semi coherent sentence.

"I think I'm gonna pass out."

"I know. You're okay. I'm here. Nothing can hurt you. I promise."

His hands gently guide your trembling fingers to his chest, an attempt to ground you from your panicked thoughts. You manage a deep inhale, the rush of cool air bringing a brief sense of clarity. Something Leon once told you he did when something set him on edge.

Find five things you can see. You gaze seeks out Leon's soft eyes, his navy blue dress shirt, the black sparring mat on the floor, nearby silver folding chairs and numerous blankets.

Next, find four things you can touch. Your roaming fingers card through Leon's soft hair, then trail down his polyester shirt before lacing through his fingers.

"My heart, that's three things you can touch. Give me one more?

You laugh at his prompting, moving your combined hands down to touch the cool foam mat.

"I'm good. Mostly. Thank you."

You wrap your arms around Leon, resting your chin on his shoulder as you breath him in. He smells faintly of fresh snow and cranberries, of home. He drops a kiss onto the crown of your head before pulling back slightly to study you.

"I have a plan. Will you be okay for a moment?"

"A plan? Leon, you don't plan. You launch yourself chaotically at a situation and hope it doesn't blow up in your face."

Leon chuckles at your teasing before rising. He moves around the room, gathering chairs and blankets. He arranges them around you in a makeshift fort before climbing next to you and drawing you into his arms.

Within the blanket castle the sound of the storm is muffled. You rest your head lightly on Leon's chest, his heartbeat steady and reassuring. Surpringsly, you both manage to dose off within the safety of each other's arms.

The next morning, both phone alarms sound like blaring bullhorns. You fumble for the phones blindly while Leon sleepily buries his head in your shoulder. Finally silencing the noise pollution, you run a hand through his messy hair.

"An unplanned sleepover in the training room. We've slept worse places."

Your voice is thick with sleep as you gently smooth down Leon's tousled locks. In turn, his own fingers detangle your own messy hair, the once neat updo long ruined by a long night. He pulls out the bobby pins and hair tie almost reverently, pressing a kiss to the your temple before he braids your hair in a simple three strand braid. Something he'd picked up after months of watching you do it in the bathroom while getting ready for work. You gaze up at him.

"There. Perfect."

You lean back, smoothing out a few wrinkles in his shirt before you ease down the walls of the blanket fort. Leon stands, offering you his hand.

"Yes, you are."

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

Napoleonville [Chapter 3: The House Of Soup, Salad, And Breadsticks]

Series Summary: The year is 1988. The town is Napoleonville, Louisiana. You are a small business owner in need of some stress relief. Aemond is a stranger with a taste for domination. But as his secrets are revealed, this casual arrangement becomes something more volatile than either of you could have ever imagined.

Chapter Warnings: Language, sexual content (18+ readers only), dom/sub dynamics, Nintendo, smoking, kids, parenthood, all-you-can-eat breadsticks, wedding planning, mentions of birth trauma and abortion, a brief Greek lesson, Audi Quattros have very tiny back seats.

Word Count: 9k (someone take this laptop away from me!! I am out of control!!).

Link to chapter list (and all my writing): HERE.

Taglist: @marvelescvpe @toodlesxcuddles @era127 @at-a-rax-ia @0eessirk8 @arcielee @dd122004dd @humanpurposes @taredhunter @tinykryptonitewerewolf @partnerincrime0 @eltherevirr @persephonerinyes @namelesslosers @burningcoffeetimetravel-fics @daenysx @gemini-mama @chattylurker @moonlightfoxx @huramuna @britt-mf @myspotofcraziness @padfooteyes @aemonddtargaryen @trifoliumviridi @joliettes @darkenchantress @florent1s @babyblue711 @minttea07 @libroparaiso @bluerskiees @herfantasyworldd @elizarbell @urmomsgirlfriend1

Thank you so much for your patience and encouragement, I was really not doing well for a while but all your kind comments meant the world to me!!! I don't know when Chapter 4 will be ready, but hopefully early next week. My posting schedule is super wonky now. We'll get back to regular Sunday updates eventually, besties. 🥰🧁

It’s Thursday, late-morning, sunlight bending in through the open windows and a flock of blue-winged teals toddling through the backyard on their clumsy webbed feet. From the little pink Panasonic boombox pipes Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again. Your steps as you dart around the kitchen are airy and effortless; you’re humming without realizing that you are. You can’t seem to stop watching the clock, the second hand ticking endlessly, revolving like a moon around its planet. Olive Garden tonight! Olive Garden with Aemond!

“Knock knock?” your guest ventures tentatively as the front door creaks. You hear her heels click on the ever-so-slightly inclined floor and the bright jangling of keys and bracelets. Her accent does not surprise you; you were the one who answered the phone when she called in a panic yesterday.

Jade Dragon is a European company. I shouldn’t be shocked that Brits are descending upon Napoleonville.

You greet her from the kitchen, sight unseen: “Hi! Come on in!” Amir rushes over to set the very last cupcake on the glass serving tray, key lime with cream cheese frosting peppered with zest like flecks of emeralds. You have scrubbed the counter meticulously to make a space for your guest to do her cake tasting. There is an open wooden barstool for her, a yellow legal pad for you to jot down her selections. She steps into the kitchen—click click click, jangle jangle—and she is a stranger, surely, and yet something about her face strikes you as familiar.

“I really must thank you again,” the woman says, wringing her pinkish little hands, glittering with rings; she’s flushed all over from the heat, which she isn’t used to. She wears what for many women would be their Sunday Best: a modest organza dress patterned with sunflowers, gold jewelry and heels, and (oddly) a khaki overcoat that runs to her knees. Her hair hangs in thick, glossy, auburn waves. She smells like perfume, amber and roses, a brand you don’t recognize. “I was so distressed when I called, I must have sounded like a madwoman. It’s all just been so fraught. I know this is very last-minute, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you making time to see me today. I’m sure you’re very busy.”

“We are delighted to help!” Amir croons warmly as he swoops in to take her coat, which she surrenders with some bewilderment, her large dark eyes clever but innately vulnerable, anxious. Again, you cannot shake the sense that you have met her before. Amir’s hands sweep down the overcoat as he peeks at the tag inside, and he mouths to you, grinning, eyebrows raised above the tortoiseshell rims of his glasses: Christian Dior! He’s delighted to help this lady, sure; but he’s far more enthusiastic about the prospect of squirreling away more cash for his imminent exodus to San Francisco. Amir hangs the coat in the tiny living room closet and then goes to the stovetop to check on the Kentucky butter cookies that are cooling there.

“Amir and I love baking for any occasion related to a wedding. Everyone is cheerful and excited…and hungry too, of course!” You give your guest a reassuring smile and wave her over to the counter. She’s still tormenting her own hands, still glancing uncertainly around the kitchen. Amir is using a spatula to transfer the cookies from the baking sheet to a cake plate. “Remind me, ma’am, on the phone you said your name was…Allison?”

“Alicent,” she corrects, taking a seat on the barstool beside you and clutching a camel-colored leather purse. She hesitates before she adds: “Targaryen.”

Targaryen?! Jade Dragon?! You gawk at her. Amir drops a Kentucky butter cookie on the floor. You exchange a glance with him and can practically see the bills flitting through his mind: Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson, Franklin.

“Please don’t make any fuss on my account,” Alicent pleads with those sleek, imploring eyes. “I’m just a customer, just an ordinary customer—”

“A VIP customer!” Amir says, beaming. He won’t work on their rigs, but he’ll take their money in a heartbeat. He considers it compensation for the inevitable environmental catastrophe, for the souls of all the places their dynasty bleeds dry.

“Ma’am…Alicent…Mrs. Targaryen…” you sputter. “What on earth brought you here?”

“My son is getting married.” She squeezes her eyes shut, an infinitesimal frustration, a self-reproach. “Our son, I mean. Viserys and I, our son is getting married, and we’re hosting an engagement party for him and his fiancée this Saturday, as I mentioned when I called. We had arranged to have caterers fly in, but now there’s some sort of visa problem and they won’t be able to make it in time. I found a company based out of New Orleans that is very well thought of for hors d’oeuvre and lunch, but the cakes I sampled…well…they left a lot to be desired. I was desperate, I tell you, utterly bereft, you know we have family and friends and all these industry representatives who will be in attendance, photographers, journalists, and I can’t ruin it, I can’t embarrass the happy couple, it’s not as if people get more than one chance at a wedding!”

Amir rolls his eyes at you from across the kitchen. Listen to this idiot, he means.

“But then I asked around town, and I got the same recommendation over and over again,” Alicent tells you, smiling now. “Everyone said that I just had to stop by Hummingbird Bakery.”

And now you know exactly where you recognize her from. She looks so much like the drunk man from the holding cell; his hair was blonde and his eyes were that sad swirling blue, but nonetheless he was a Targaryen the same as Alicent, and they share so much of the same bones, blood, innate defenselessness. That boy is getting married? His poor goddamn bride. “Well I am thrilled that you found your way to us, Mrs. Alicent Targaryen. And I think you’ll taste at least a few cakes that you’d be proud to serve at the engagement party.”

“And you can have them ready by Saturday?” Alicent asks fretfully.

“Absolutely.” You won’t sleep much between now and then, but the business matters more. And if you can recruit the Targaryens and some of their associates as regular customers…well, you might actually be able to start saving up for that new house Aemond asked you about on the night you met. You gesture to the glass tray on the counter. “Amir and I have baked twelve cupcakes for you to sample today. I’ll write up a list of the flavors you like best, and we can make any customizations. You can choose one flavor and have multiple cakes made, or four cakes in four different flavors, or any other arrangement, you just let me know and we’ll see that your wishes are granted.”

“These are all for me?!” Alicent says, surveying the cupcakes.

“Yes ma’am. Vanilla bean, triple chocolate, coconut, red velvet, carrot, white chocolate raspberry, key lime, lemon, peanut brittle, cherry chocolate chip, blueberry jam and cream cheese, and hummingbird. But don’t get overwhelmed, you only have to eat one bite of each.”

“And whatever you don’t finish we’ll let Cadi throw to the gator,” Amir says.

“Gator?” Alicent is alarmed.

“She lives in the tree row,” you explain. “She doesn’t bother anyone.” And you almost add: Except Aemond, of course. He hates her.

“Oh. Fascinating.” Alicent blinks a few times. “And who is Cadi?”

“My daughter. She’s ten, she’s at school. She’s…” You glance at the clock. “Learning about fractions and decimals at the moment.”

“How wonderful! And what does your husband do for work?”

“Terrorism,” Amir says, and Alicent Targaryen’s jaw drops.

“He’s the sheriff of Assumption Parish,” you swiftly amend. “But he’s my ex-husband now.”

Alicent doesn’t know how to reply. She stares at the cupcakes instead of at you. After several long, awkward seconds, she says: “My, do these look delicious! Where should I start?”

“Wherever you’d like.”

“This one is hummingbird cake, you said?” She picks it up. Her hands are fidgety; she doesn’t seem to ever stop moving. “I’ve never heard of such a thing. Did you name the bakery after it, or did you name the cake after the bakery?”

“Oh no, the cake existed first. It’s been popular around here since…what, Amir? The 60s? Something like that. My mom taught me how to make it when I was seventeen. Hummingbird cake was my favorite dessert for years.”

“It’s from Jamaica originally,” Amir notes. The Kentucky butter cookies are displayed on the kitchen table, and now he’s beginning to peel vivid green Granny Smith apples for dumplings.

“It has bananas, pineapple, cinnamon, pecans…”

“Mmm!” Alicent sighs as she takes a bite. “Oh, it’s fantastic! The different fruits add such dimension of flavor! And the texture too, so interesting. Very substantial, almost like a fruitcake. Yes, I think that is a strong contender.” She continues on to the next cupcake. As she nibbles on each one, she chats nervously, almost compulsively. “She’s a darling girl. Woman, I mean. My future daughter-in-law.”

You get up to pour Alicent a glass of sweet tea. “What’s her name?” you ask politely. You are actively trying not to let your thoughts drift to Olive Garden: soup, salad, breadsticks, Aemond licking blood-red marinara sauce from his lips as he smirks at you from across the table, acting like he doesn’t want to be there.

“Christabel.” Alicent sets down the carrot cupcake, opens her purse, and digs through her wallet for a photograph. It’s small and rectangular, and the girl trapped inside the frame—a girl, truly, if she’s twenty you’ll eat your white denim shorts—looks like Teri Copley: billowing platinum hair, squarish jaw, pink cheeks and red lips, large dollish blue eyes. She reminds you of Barbie; she reminds you of something that belongs in a box on a shelf somewhere. “Her father is a marquess.”

“She’s gorgeous! And is that…is that a job…?”

“It’s a title,” Alicent Targaryen says with a demure, apologetic smile as she tucks the photo back into her wallet. She has spoken of things she should have known were above you. “Like a duke or a baron. Christabel is from a noble family back in the United Kingdom. Milford Haven, more specifically.”

Amir gasps, elated, waving his paring knife around in the air. “She’s just like Princess Diana!”

“She’s very young,” Alicent says, a bit wearily. She takes a bite of the lemon cupcake. “But then again, I was even younger when I got married, seventeen. That’s just the way it was back then. None of my friends even thought of going off to school for years and years, or playing the field, or getting a serious job. In our eyes, there were no other options. You found a good man from an acceptable family and you settled down and started having babies.” Alicent sips her sweet tea, ice jangling in the frosted glass. “Oh, that’s dreadful! Cold tea!” She shudders. “I suppose that’s how you all keep from getting heatstroke down here. Cold drinks and no clothes.”

“Sorry.” You glance self-consciously down at your shorts.

“No no, it’s quite alright. I’m in your jungle, I can’t expect you to conform to my idiosyncrasies.” This is a word you don’t know, although you try not to show it. Then Alicent winks. “Now, if you ever find yourself across the pond…”

I’ll never visit another country. Nevertheless, you chuckle as Alicent expects you to. “I understand what you mean about not having options. I got married at seventeen too.”

“Did you?” she asks, somber now. Her large umber eyes are uneasy, searching.

“Yeah. I was way too young. And unfortunately, the only way to know you’re too young is to not be young anymore. And by then you’ve already made such a mess of things.”

Amir looks over at you; this is not recruiting-a-customer conversation. Alicent nods, slow and thoughtful, studying you with those vast eyes like a dark mirror image of that Targaryen boy in the holding cell. She nibbles on the peanut brittle cupcake to avoid having to respond.

You pivot. “How many children do you have?”

Now Alicent brightens. “Four.”

“That many! I can’t even imagine. They must bring you so much joy.”

“In between the chaos, yes,” Alicent says, sampling the key lime cupcake. “Daeron is my youngest, he’s so sweet-natured, so encouraging, always offering to help with my projects around the house. He never complains. He hasn’t been gobbled up by the company yet. My only criticism is his obsession with his godawful parrot. I’d have it murdered, but tragically Daeron already knows it’s supposed to live 50 years. Helaena reads a lot—about gardens and insects and other planets, all sorts of things I can’t make heads or tails of—but she’s kind and gentle, and she still lets me fix her hair and take her shopping once in a while.” You think, smiling: If I tried to touch Cadi’s hair, I think she’d claw my face off. “And then my son who’s getting married—”

The front door bangs open and heavy footsteps race across the floor. He appears in the kitchen: greased-back black hair, a single gold earring, tan skin, white suit, a bold Hawaiian shirt—sapphire blue water, green palm trees, hot pink flamingos—underneath. He’s breathing heavily and his forehead gleams with perspiration. Alicent appears stunned to see him.

“Criston? What’s wrong? I said you could wait in the Lexus.”

Amir asks the man: “You’ve been in the car this whole time?”

“Don’t feel too bad for me. The Lexus has air conditioning.” The man, Criston, turns back to Alicent. “There’s a lizard out there!”

Amir sighs impatiently. “It’s a gator. And she’s perfectly harmless.”

“I just watched her maul a duck to death! There’s blood all over the grass!”

Amir is unfazed. “To humans, I mean.” He resumes peeling apples.

You tell Amir glumly: “I might have to get Willis to shoot her.”

“Only if it’s a murder-suicide.”

“Criston, help me choose,” Alicent says. She has a gift for ignoring unpleasantness, you’re beginning to notice. “I suddenly feel so overwhelmed.”

He walks over to the counter and begins taking a hefty bite out of each cupcake, eating after Alicent without any trepidation. They confer in murmurs, nods, shrugs, their own language that is threaded with a distinct and curious familiarity. Alicent catches you observing.

“He’s my bodyguard,” she explains hastily, then titters. “And my personal assistant, and my driver…”

“And your babysitter,” Criston says, grinning, crumbs all over his face.

“Yes, they never seem to outgrow the need for that, do they?” Then Alicent addresses you. “Could you manage to have six cakes ready by Saturday, do you think? They’re all so lovely. I don’t think I can narrow it down to less than that.”

Amir casts you a petrified glance. Notwithstanding that, you reply: “I suppose we can handle six.”

“Brilliant.” And you think: Aemond uses that word a lot too. “Then we’d like one vanilla, one chocolate, one blueberry, one coconut, and one hummingbird. And a key lime. I just adore the color, don’t you? A gorgeous, vivid green. It reminds me of the moors back home.”

“Yes ma’am.” You scribble her order down on your legal pad.

“And how much do your cakes cost?”

“$10 each,” Amir tells her.

“$10!” Alicent exclaims, looking at Criston. “Can you believe that? We’re certainly not in Knightsbridge anymore.” She takes $60 out of her wallet and hands it to you. “And you can deliver it to the house if I leave you an address? Around noon on Saturday?”

“Of course, no problem.”

Alicent gives you an address to add to your notes—you don’t recognize the street name, it must be in a new development—and then checks the clock on the wall. “Oh, is that right?! Christabel will be landing at the airport any minute. I’ve got to rush back to the house to make sure everything is ready for her. I can’t be a subpar host.”

“Where’s your coat, Ali?” Criston asks.

“In that closet over there.”

Criston fetches her coat and drapes it over her shoulders. Amir flashes you a salacious smirk. You wiggle your eyebrows back.

As Alicent and Criston cross the kitchen towards the living room and the front door, they pause by the table where an assortment of baked goods, different every day, is displayed for walk-in customers. Criston points to a cake plate piled high with Rice Krispie Treats. “You know who likes those,” he says softly.

“They’re very popular!” Amir announces, ever the salesman. “And we can make them with any kind of cereal you could imagine. Fruity Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Puffs…”

Alicent says, a bit randomly: “Cap’n Crunch?”

Amir doesn’t hesitate. “Absolutely!”

“Alright.” She has a faraway look in those dark oil-drop eyes, always a little shimmery, always a little sad. “I’ll take two dozen of those as well.”

“I’ll add it to the list,” you say.

“Thank you. Cheers.”

“Cheers,” you echo, perplexed.

Criston and Alicent depart. You hear the front door swing open and then close again. Outside, Criston reminds Alicent to leave plenty of space between her and the gator. An engine rumbles and gravel crunches as the Lexus rolls out of the driveway.

“If they’re not fucking, I’m Tom Cruise,” Amir says. “Speaking of fucking, what time is Scarface coming to pick you up?”

“5:15.” You nod to where Alicent was sitting. “She’s not bad for a robber baron.”

“Oh, please. She would grind your bones into flour if that’s what it took to have cakes ready for her child bride engagement party. I hope that Christabel girl knows what she’s getting into.”

What is she, eighteen? Nineteen? “She doesn’t.” The phone rings and you scramble for it. “Hello?!”

It’s not Aemond. “Hey, sugar.”

Ugh. “Hi, Willis.” Across the kitchen, Amir mimes slitting his own wrists with the paring knife.

“Listen,” Willis drawls in his familiar, I’m-about-to-deliver-bad-news tone. You can hear noise wherever he is: sirens, shouting. He must be using his car phone. “I’m all tied up down here on Route 90, we got a hell of a wreck, ten cars and an 18-wheeler. Had to close all the goddamn lanes in both directions. I don’t think I’m gonna get home until late, really late, maybe not ‘til 9 or 10.”

“So you have to switch nights. You can’t pick Cadi up from school.”

“Tell her I’m sorry, will ya? And that I’ll take her fishin’ this weekend to make it up to her. I’ll keep her Saturday and Sunday, if that works for you.”

“She’ll love that,” you say distractedly. No Olive Garden. No Aemond. Not tonight, anyway. “Anything outside and with animals. Anything that lets her get filthy.”

“Thanks for understandin’. I gotta run.”

“Bye.”

“So long, sugar.” Willis hangs up. So do you.

“Oh no!” Amir waves his knife around threateningly. “No, not a chance, that gremlin does not get to ruin the first real date you’ve had in…what…ever?!”

You smile; you can’t help it. “It’s not a date. Aemond is fancy and kinky, I’m a mom covered in frosting, people like us don’t date. Besides, his personal ad was very clear: Single and not looking to change that.”

“He’s not acting very single.” Amir begins chopping the peeled apples.

“It’s fine. It happens. We can go to Olive Garden some other time. I’ll try to call Aemond, and if he doesn’t answer I’ll tell him when he gets here. Maybe we can at least chat on the front porch for a while or something. Watch the lightning bugs come out as it gets dark.”

“I’ll hang out here with Cadi,” Amir offers.

“What? Really?” Olive Garden might be back on the menu! “You will?”

“Yeah, ho. I can’t in good conscience just stand by while you are deprived of traumatized war veteran dick. I need a break from Grandma anyway. She’s gotten really into Unsolved Mysteries and that shit gives me the creeps. I don’t want to hear about missing or murdered people. I’m already scared I might end up like that.”

“I’d find you. I’d rescue you. My and my pet gator.”

Amir laughs, his eyes sparkling behind his glasses. “Sure you would.”

“I’ll give you $10 out of my share of the bakery profits this week. For watching Cadi, I mean.”

“Deal,” he says. “Now help me with these dumplings so we can get started on those six cakes for the motherfucking Rockefellers.”

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s 5:13 p.m. when Aemond arrives at what Cadi named the Fall-Down House when she was in kindergarten, toting in her Chewbacca backpack sheets of homework about shapes and seasons, things you could help her with. You wonder what you’ll say when she gets to her senior year of high school and starts asking about calculus, physics, Shakespeare, college applications. It’ll be like she’s trying to talk to you in a foreign language. It’ll be like trying to explain colors to a blind man.

You’re almost done wiping down the stove and counter; Amir and Cadi are singing along and dancing to Kyrie by Mr. Mister: the Moonwalk, the Electric Slide, the Wop, the Sprinkler. Aemond wanders in and hovers on the border between the living room and the kitchen, his neon teal duffle bag hanging from one shoulder, staring with this profound, childlike puzzlement on his face. He looks like he’s never seen people dancing before; it’s some exotic ritual, some rite of a religion he doesn’t practice. He wears dark jeans, a black button-up shirt, black Converses, and his trusty Marlboro jacket. His fists are buried deep in the pockets like he’s holding something precious there, treasure, wisdom, secrets.

“Wassup, Scarface?!” Amir yells over the music, pretending to be reeling Aemond in like a fish. “Show us your best moves! Do the Worm! Do the Robocop!”

Aemond raises an eyebrow, drops his duffle bag, and—after a moment’s hesitation—glides across the tilted wooden floor to you. He takes your hands, spins you around, something like a clumsy, out-of-practice waltz, something real and enchanting beyond measure. And when was the last time you really danced with a man? Willis’ senior prom? Aemond sings as Amir and Cadi do the Running Man:

“Kyrie eleison down the road that I must travel,

Kyrie eleison through the darkness of the night,

Kyrie eleison where I’m going, will you follow?

Kyrie eleison on a highway in the night…”

Aemond releases you, sweeps his blonde hair off his forehead, and guzzles your frosty glass of sweet tea that you left on the counter in an expanding pool of condensation. You are reminded of how Criston devoured the cupcakes with no concern for the fact that Alicent had already tasted them.

“Such a weird song,” Cadi says as it fades out, as the cicadas and nighthawks grow louder through the screens of the open windows. “What the heck is a kyrie eleison?”

“It means Lord have mercy,” Aemond tells her. “It’s Greek.”

“Willis got stuck cleaning up an accident about a half hour south of here,” you explain. “But Amir and Cadi are going to have some nice couch potato time together.”

“Can we watch Unsolved Mysteries?” Cadi asks Amir excitedly, clinging to his arm. Amir groans.

“I might have an alternative,” Aemond says. He returns to his duffle bag, unzips it, and produces—not blue silk scarves, fuzzy handcuffs, a riding crop, or any other tokens of depravity—but a Nintendo game console.

Cadi screams and sprints to Aemond, unable to rip it out of his hands fast enough. “No way! Really?! I can play it?!”

“You can keep it.”

“What?!” She ogles the tannish rectangular box, the two handheld controllers. “This is the most epic day of my life!”

“I’m glad I could deliver it in person. I was just going to leave it with your mum.” Aemond starts taking cartridges out of the duffle bag. “I have Commando, Super Mario Bros., Star Force, the Karate Kid, Kung Fu, Burger Time, Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong 3, Alpha Mission, the Legend of Zelda, and Golf, which I honestly would not recommend. I used to have Top Gun too, but my brother spilled Tang all over it.”

“This is better than Christmas!” Cadi shrieks. “This is better than my birthday!” She dashes to Amir and starts hauling him off towards her room. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

“I’m being kidnapped,” he tells you, feigning distress.

“Cadi, chill. Do you know how to hook that up to your tv?”

She reluctantly surrenders Amir’s hand. “Yeah, Michelle has one.”

“Okay. You can get it ready, I have to talk to Amir for a sec.”

“Fine,” she grumbles, and vanishes into her bedroom with the Nintendo and a precarious armful of game cartridges.

“Thank you,” you tell Amir quietly. “Seriously. I know I owe you.”

He grins. “Anytime. You’re helping to pay my way to San Fransisco, I really can’t complain.”

Aemond perks up. “You’re visiting San Fran?”

“I’m moving there,” Amir says. “And as soon as humanly possible! Sun, sand, and Speedos, here I come! Why? Have you been?”

“I have, actually. It’s a great city.”

You turn to Aemond; this is new information. “Did you go to school there?”

“No, I went to Imperial College in London. But I flew to San Franscisco to interview someone I was writing a term paper about.”

Amir squints at him. “Imperial paid for you to fly across the world for one interview?”

Aemond shrugs, hands back in his jacket pockets. “I got, uh, a research stipend.”

You ask: “Who did you interview?”

“I don’t think you’d recognize the name, but he was a really incredible guy. He was a nurse and the first person to ever come out publicly as having AIDS. Then he spent the rest of his life educating people about the disease. Bobbi—”

“Bobbi Campbell?!” Amir is awed. “Of course I know who he is! You actually met Bobbi Campbell?!”

“Yeah, we had lunch together. Wine and cioppino. His partner was there too.” Aemond is somber, reflective. “It’s probably the most worthwhile thing I’ve ever done.”

“Well you just get better and better, don’t you, big boy?” Amir says. “Have fun at Olive Garden. Don’t hurry home or anything.”

~~~~~~~~~~

You are beaming, serene, warm all over, bewitched by the magic of liminal spaces, doorways between realities that rarely touch. Frank Sinatra—Fly Me To The Moon—floats through the restaurant speakers. The table is cluttered with plates and bowls: breadsticks, salad wet with Italian dressing, zuppa toscana, minestrone, main courses. Families in nearby booths are chattering; wine glasses clink, stories are recalled. You always wonder when you see cheerful married couples surrounded by children: Are they really happy? Is it worth it? Or do they go home after these displays of fairytale adoration and ignore each other, argue, brawl, crack open the Bud Lights, crack knuckles, crack bones like glass? Does true love exist at all? Or is it a lie we’re taught so the species can live on? “I’m in Italy.”

“You’re not in Italy, Cupcake. You’re in Gonzales, Louisiana. I can glance out the window and see a Doller General and a Burger King.”

“I’m basically in Italy.” You gesture to your plate, large and oval-shaped. Your entrée is divided into thirds: chicken parmesan, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo. “I got the Tour of Italy. I’m now an expert in all things Italian.”

Aemond smiles at you, the way he usually does: amused, teasing, craving. “In Italy, the pasta is always al dente. And they use very little sauce, not like here where everything is drowning in it.”

“I personally love my ocean of sauce.”

“And in Italy the bread is served plain. No butter, no olive oil, no…” He scrutinizes a breadstick. “Whatever this is. Assorted soy products, probably.”

“Don’t ruin my dinner or I’ll tie you up next time.”

Aemond laughs: crinkles around his eyes, pure boyish radiance. “Go ahead. I dare you.” He eats a bite of his herb-grilled salmon. “I looked into your Saint Honoratus of Amiens. He’s the patron saint of bakers.”

You roll your eyes like this is obvious. You like knowing something Aemond doesn’t, Aemond with his vocabulary and his high-powered career and his petroleum engineering degree from Imperial College in London, England, a place you have never seen and never will, a city that might as well be located on one of Saturn’s rings. “Yeah, clearly.”

But you never feel like the clever one for long. “And of oil refiners.”

“Is he really?”

Aemond grins. “Yeah. So we’ll have to share him.”

“Did you ever think about doing something besides engineering?” You already know the answer. You saw it in the way he talked about Bobbi Campbell.

“I did,” Aemond admits. “The engineering thing…it was expected of me. It wasn’t really my choice. It’s fine, I’m okay with my job, I’ve come to terms with it. But when I was a kid, I wanted to be a historian.”

“People get paid for that? To study history?”

“Not a lot. But I love the stories. When I was at Imperial, I’d fill every extra space in my schedule with history and anthropology courses. I interviewed Bobbi for my Microhistory class.”

“Micro…history? Tiny history…?”

“You learn everything there is to know about one individual, or one town, or one product, whatever, and through it you can get a better sense of the bigger picture. Like…you could catalogue what specific pieces of furniture were in George Washington’s house to study 18th-century trade routes.”

“Or you could use Ketchikan, Alaska as an example of the dangers of oil rigs and the corrupt, greedy company policies of modern-day robber barons.”

Aemond stares at you. “Yeah. Sure. You get it.” He wastes no time changing the subject. “Where did you go to college?”

“College?” This is preposterous. “Aemond, I never finished high school.”

“You’re joking.”

“No, I’m not,” you say. “I dropped out. I don’t have a high school diploma. I definitely didn’t go to college.”

He’s utterly bewildered. “But…you aren’t stupid.”

“Yes, Aemond, a lot of not-stupid people don’t go to college. And I’d imagine the opposite is true as well.”

He sighs, long and deep, rubbing his scarred forehead with his fingertips. “I’m sorry. I could have worded that more sensitively.”

“Willis is a year older than me. I got pregnant the night of his senior prom. I never went back after summer break. I figured…you know…what was the point? I didn’t need Calculus or World History. I needed money. I needed baby clothes and a crib and a car. And my high school wouldn’t have let me in anyway.”

Now Aemond glares, though his wrath isn’t for you. “They kicked out pregnant girls?”

You smile wryly, chomping on a breadstick wet with marinara sauce. “They still do. They have to make cautionary tales out of us. The weak and the lustful.”

“Well then how the fuck is someone like you supposed to provide for yourself?”

“By marrying whoever got us pregnant and never leaving them.”

“Medieval,” he snaps. He stabs at his salmon, loses his appetite, slams the fork down on the plate. The waitress had just been approaching to ask about dessert; she does a 180 and vanishes again.

“Aemond,” you say gently. I don’t want to ruin tonight. “Please don’t be angry.”

“There are specific things that make me angry.” He rests his chin on his knuckles and peers out the window. Seconds tick by; Frank Sinatra sings about New York, another city you’ll never visit. Then Aemond looks at you again. “What is it like to be a parent?” he says, in the same reverent and mystified tone that someone might use to ask what it was like to flatline on an operating table before being brought back to life. Did you get a glimpse of the gates of Heaven? Did you feel the heat of Hell?

“I can only tell you how it feels to me.” You are wistful; you are painfully honest. You’ve never told anyone this before. No one has ever asked. “It’s…wonderful, and terrifying, and exhausting. You love them more than anything, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get tired, irritated, impatient, resentful. One minute you’re laughing hysterically with them, the next you’re begging them to go to sleep so you can have a half hour to yourself, or just ten minutes, or just five. And then as soon as they’re gone you miss them. You’re too strict or too lenient, never just right. You sacrifice���money, time, your body, your soul—but it’s never enough. You accidentally hurt their feelings and then tie yourself in knots to fix it, but you can never show them when you’re sad, or frustrated, or afraid. They can be so sweet and then so inadvertently cruel. They’re too young to understand that they’re being ungrateful. They ask you questions you don’t want to answer. They’re your reason for living, they’re a burden, they’re the best thing that ever happened to you, they’re your closest friend, they’ve trapped you somewhere you don’t want to be. There are all these emotions that come in waves, they go around and around and never stop. It’s like a tire spinning in mud.”

Aemond considers you for a long time before he speaks. “I think you’re doing a good job. Cadi seems happy. She’s…uh…spirited. But happy.”

“She’s a little wild, but that’s my fault. We grew up together. I didn’t draw many lines, and now it’s too late. And she’s getting old enough to notice things she didn’t see before. Most of her friends’ parents are still married. They might not be in love, but she doesn’t understand that part yet. What she understands is that we’re broke and her dad lives in a different house, and I’m the one who made that happen.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Aemond insists. He starts to reach across the table for your hands, then stops, reconsiders, grabs his duffle bag that’s squeezed next to him in the booth instead. He unzips the small pocket on the side and pulls out a toothbrush, a travel-sized tube of Crest, and a miniature bottle of Listermint. “I’m going to go brush my teeth in the bathroom, and then I’m going to fuck you in the back of my car. Okay?”

Your smile has returned. The magic has too. “Okay. You don’t want dessert?”

“I don’t need tiramisu. I already have a Cupcake. Unless…do you want tiramisu…?”

“No, I don’t like coffee.”

“I think they have other things too, cannoli, cheesecake…”

“Aemond,” you say. “I want to leave now.”

“Got it.” He leaves $30 for the waitress on the table—he always pays with cash, you notice—and bolts for the bathroom. Fortunately, you’d had the same thought; shortly before Aemond arrived at the house two hours ago, you’d packed your pink toothbrush and a tube of Ultra Brite in your Valerie Barad rainbow purse…just in case. By the time you get back to the table, Aemond is waiting and looking uncharacteristically anxious: biting his lower lip, clasping his hands together behind his back. He’s relieved when he spots you. “I thought you might have ditched me.”

“What, and walked 25 miles home?”

“Forget it. Let’s go.” And he shoves his hands into the pockets of his Marlboro jacket before he can reveal any more of himself with them.

~~~~~~~~~~

You’re flying down Route 70 with all the windows down, warm twilight wind flooding through the gaps between your fingers, centuries-old southern live oaks and flowering dogwoods passing by in a blur, an Eddie Money tape in the Audi Quattro’s cassette deck. Under the bridges you cross, brackish bayou water ripples lazily, thick with cypress trees, duckweed, spider lilies, salvinia, wading great egrets and lurking alligators. The seats are tan leather and spotless. Aemond rests a palm on your bare thigh, just below the hem of your shorts. His blonde hair whips in the breeze. From the passenger seat, you can only see the right side of his face, the unscarred side. It’s almost like he’s whole again. He puffs on a Marlboro Red, smoke escaping through the open windows, tobacco and tar and nicotine, chemicals and earth.

“We better stop before we get into Assumption Parish,” you tease. “You don’t want one of Willis’ deputies to stumble upon us.”

But Aemond is particular; he wants the perfect spot. Just a mile before Ascension Parish gives way to Assumption, he finds an overgrown dirt pull-off used for fishing. He parks the Quattro just out of sight of the highway, rolls up the automatic windows, blasts the icy air conditioning.

“Get in the back,” he orders, unclicking his seatbelt. The intro of Take Me Home Tonight thunders through the speakers. You obey, climbing into the (very not-spacious) back seat. Just seconds later, Aemond follows.

You giggle when he pulls you into his lap to straddle him. As you toss away his Marlboro jacket and unbutton his shirt, Aemond yanks off your orange tank top, unhooks your bra, accidentally breaks the tab of the zipper off your white denim shorts with his strong, frantic hands. He needs you; he needs you all the time, everywhere, and he’ll never get enough. He’s kissing you deeply, roughly, nipping at your lips and tongue, breathing his smoke into you. His fingers slip into your shorts and under the silk that you bought for him, blue like his eyes, blue like the sky before heavy rain. You’re moaning, grinding, impatient; he’s helping you shimmy out of your shorts, he’s tugging down his jeans. And now you realize that he wants you to stay on top. “Aemond, no, I’m not good at it…”

“Shut up. You’re good at everything.”

That’s a lie, you know it is; still, Aemond makes you believe it. He grabs your hips and shows you exactly how to move them, and soon the rhythm feels effortless, soon you are wet and relaxed enough for him. At the last minute, he gets a condom from the pocket of his jeans, rips it open, and rolls it on. And again, you are struck by a strange but unmistakable disappointment that you cannot have all of him, that you cannot experience what it’s like to be as close to him as humanly possible, this man that you hardly know, this body that unleashes ecstasy in yours.

It’s quick: your arms linked around the back of his neck, Aemond kissing your throat and the slope of your jaw, his hands and murmurs guiding you, delicious fullness and friction. You’re amazed when he comes—I made that happen?? I did that??—and a tidal wave of extraordinary pride, lust, power surges through you. Aemond helps you finish with his fingers, only a few vigorous strokes, and then he drags you down onto the Quattro’s back seat with him.

“Careful,” you say as you lie on top of Aemond’s chest, both of you breathless and slick with sweat, goosebumps springing up in the chill of the air conditioning. You’re all tangled up in each other; there’s no room to get away. “You’re not going to be able to get rid of me.”

“I’ll accept the risk.” The last rays of sunlight fall across his damp skin, turning him to amber, tiger’s eye, gold. “What happened when you had Cadi?”

You turn your face to look at him. “Huh?”

“You said you were unconscious for a few days after she was born.”

“I told you that?”

“Yeah. The first night I came over. And you’ve been on the pill ever since. You never wanted more kids?”

“No,” you say quietly. “No, I didn’t. I still don’t.”

“So something happened.”

“It’s not a cute story. It’s not sexy.”

“I’ve surmised that.” Another word you don’t know.

“I don’t really ever talk about it.”

“Because you don’t want to, or because people don’t ask?”

You’re amazed by how much he sees, like you’re a clean window, like your skin and skull are made of glass. “My water broke and I went into labor, but I wasn’t progressing fast enough,” you tell Aemond. “I mean, the nurses told me I wasn’t progressing. I didn’t really understand what that meant. It felt like something was happening. There was a lot of pain and pressure, and it was intense, definitely, but it was bearable, I still felt like myself. I was actually really proud of how calm I was. But I guess it wasn’t enough. So the doctor started me on something called Pitocin, and then the contractions weren’t bearable anymore. They were…I can’t even describe it. It was like this bone-breaking twisting, but also sharpness, razor sharpness. I imagined knots of barbed wire. It’s the only thing I could compare it to. And I wasn’t in control anymore. I wasn’t myself at all. I was this animal being trapped, being tortured, and there was no break between the contractions, they happened over and over and over again, one right after the other, and it went on for hours. I kept telling everyone that I couldn’t do it. I needed an epidural, laughing gas, pills, anything. I was begging them to knock me out. I was trying to rip the IV with the Pitocin out of my hand. But no one listened. The nurses acted like I was being dramatic. Women have babies every single day all over the world, why couldn’t I just shut up and deal with it? My mom was around, but she had pretty straightforward births, and I don’t think she could comprehend what it was like. Willis told me I was doing a good job. That’s all he could say: Good job, sugar, you’re doin’ just fine, sugar. But I didn’t want mindless encouragement. I wanted somebody to help me. I thought I was dying.”

Aemond’s hand smooths your hair. He’s watching you closely.

“When Cadi…when she was finally born, I wasn’t excited to hold her. I didn’t even care. I was just relieved the pain wasn’t so bad anymore. I told my mom to take her. I could hear the baby crying, and I remember thinking: Who is that? I almost died for that? I felt nothing for her, absolutely nothing. And then I heard…it sounded like someone had turned a sink on, because there was water running. But then the nurses were yelling and the doctor rushed back into the room. I was hemorrhaging, and it wasn’t water that I’d heard, it was blood, my blood, gushing all over the floor. I passed out and I needed transfusions and I woke up three days later. The very first thing a nurse said was that she was so happy to tell me that they’d been able to stop the bleeding without doing a hysterectomy, so I’d be able to have more children. Can you believe that? It was like I didn’t exist. I was just a vessel. As if I wanted to go through that again. No, never, no thank you. I got attached to Cadi, but it took months. Obviously, now I love her. But I was empty for a long time. Just empty, and sad, and in pain, and hopeless.”

“And your useless fucking husband named the baby you almost bled to death having.”

“He didn’t mean for it to be hurtful,” you say. “He thought he was helping. And it’s a hell of a name, I have to admit it. Arcadia Dove, like a Star Wars character or a superhero. It suits her.”

But still: Aemond shakes his head, incredulous, outraged on behalf of your long-gone teenage self. “When you found out you were pregnant, did you ever consider…you know…not having it?”

You give him a small, guilty smirk. What kind of mother could admit this? “Yeah. Yeah, I did. That was my plan, actually. I called a clinic in New Orleans and made an appointment. Cleared out every penny of my savings to pay for it. Cheaper than a life sentence, right? Amir offered to go with me, but neither of us had a car or a license, and I could never let my mom know. So I asked Willis.”

“And he wouldn’t drive you.”

Worse. “He told me that if I went, I’d be a murderer.”

Aemond jolts upright, furious. “He actually said that to you?”

“Aemond—”

“No, hold on, he actually said that?! He said that you could drop out of high school, you could throw all your dreams out the window, you could become a mum at fucking seventeen years old and marry some guy you barely knew, and if you wanted a way out that would make you a murderer?!”

You offer weakly: “Willis is really, really Catholic. A lot of people down here are, and—”

“He’s a coward, that’s what he is. He was willing to sacrifice your future to soothe his conscience. His life didn’t change. Yours did.”

“I love Cadi. I don’t regret her.”

“But you should have had a choice.”

You study Aemond: his glinting right eye, the deep stormy furrows in his brow. “Why are you so angry?”

“Because you deserved better. You could have been something more.”

Something more? Something more? “I’m not horrified by how I’ve turned out, Aemond. I made the best of my circumstances. I have a job I enjoy, I keep a roof over our heads, I have people to live for.”

“You deserved better,” Aemond repeats, soft and low.

“So did you.” You touch your palm to his scarred cheek and ask in a whisper: “What happened? Who hurt you?”

“Stop,” Aemond says, flinching away from your hand. And that’s the safe word; you have to listen.

~~~~~~~~~~

At home, Cadi and Amir are chatting at the kitchen counter with a late-night snack of apple dumplings, warmed in the microwave, and Breyer’s vanilla ice cream. Blue Bell is cheaper, but Breyer’s tastes real; it’s one of the few things you won’t compromise on.

“Mom, guess how many levels I beat in Super Mario Bros.!” Cadi doesn’t notice that your tank top isn’t quite covering the brutalized zipper of your shorts. Amir definitely does notice; he mouths to you: Baby Jesus is so sad.

“Um, I don’t know…how many levels does it have?”

“Thirty-two,” Aemond informs you.

“Seven?” you say.

“Try ten!” Cadi grins triumphantly.

“Radical! Amazing!”

Aemond applauds. “No way! You’re a prodigy!” You don’t have to ask if he wants to stay. He scoops two apple dumplings into the same bowl and then pops open the microwave, like he lives here too. “How long should I heat these up?”

“About 45 seconds,” Amir says. He yawns and puts his dishes in the sink.

“Thanks again for entertaining Cadi.” You give him a tired, repentant smile. “I would tell you to take tomorrow off, but we both know that’s not an option. I’m going to set my alarm for 3:00 a.m.”

“I myself will most certainly not be awake at 3:00 a.m. But I’ll try to get here by 7:00.” Amir gives Cadi a hug that she pretends not to appreciate. “Goodnight, slayer of Bowsers.” Then he waves to Aemond as he breezes out of the kitchen. “Goodnight, destroyer of zippers.”

Aemond covers his mouth to keep from laughing. “Cheers, Amir.” He brings the bowl of apple dumplings from the microwave to the counter, adds several heaping mounds of vanilla ice cream and two spoons, and slides it over so you can share. Outside, you hear Amir’s Ford Escort pull out of the gravel driveway. “You have a lot of baking to do, huh?”

“Oh my God, I completely forgot to tell you. You’ll never believe who showed up—”

“Mom, can we go shopping tomorrow?” Cadi asks, derailing your train of thought.

Cadi? Shopping? This is an unusual request. “Shopping for what?”

“For my riding boots,” Cadi says brightly as she finishes her apple dumpling, and you think, sinking in ways you can’t let her see: Oh fuck. Here’s the conversation I’ve been avoiding for weeks. “Michelle and Erica are both going to that horse camp in July. Breanna and Sam are going too. Kristen might even go, and she’s a total freakazoid! I can go, right? I’ll need boots, and a helmet, and I want to ride an Appaloosa. They have all kinds of horses, but Appaloosas are my favorite, and if they don’t let me ride one I’m going to go nuclear.”

“Honey, I don’t think it’s going to be possible this year.”

“But I have to go. Everyone else is going.”

“I tried, I really did. But I just can’t swing it right now. Next summer I’ll have more money saved up, hopefully, and then you can go to horse camp, and maybe we can even go to Biloxi for a week too—”

“I don’t care about Biloxi.” And now she’s lashing out, because she’s realizing the answer might really be no. Aemond is silently picking at the apple dumplings, looking between the two of you but not knowing what to say. “I care about going to horse camp when literally all of my friends get to—”

“Cadi, I’m so sorry, I really am. But sometimes things just don’t work out, and that’s okay, that’s a part of life. We’ll still have fun this summer.”

“I’m not going to have fun if I’m just stuck here at home all day!”

Stuck here with me, stuck here in the life I built for her. “Cadi, please—”

“I’ll give up my birthday presents,” she pleads, her eyes turning misty. “You can just not buy me anything for my birthday, or Christmas either, and you can use what you would have spent on that for—”

“I’m sorry,” you say gently, a hand on her little shoulder, her tiny breakable bones. “I wish I could give you what you want. I really, really do. I’m trying to make things better for us.”

“Can’t you ask Daddy for more money?”

And you remember what Willis said at the Assumption Parish Sheriff’s Office: Tell her if she grows her hair back out, maybe she can go next year. “Daddy wants to help too, I’ve already talked to him about it. We just can’t make it happen right now.”

“Daddy always says he’d have more money if he didn’t have to send you so much every month!” Cadi blurts out. Aemond is watching you, but you shake your head. He can’t say anything. It’s not his place. “That’s why I can’t go to horse camp, isn’t it? Because we don’t all live together?”

“No, Cadi, that’s not what this is about—”

“Erica’s parents live together and she gets to go! Michelle’s mom and dad are always taking vacations!”

“Every family is different,” you say, fighting to stay calm while your throat is closing up and the blood in your face is hot enough to scald.

“Sam’s mom just bought her riding boots and gloves!”

“I’m not your friends’ mothers, I’m sorry, I’m just not.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have kids if you can’t afford them!” Cadi screams, tears streaming from her bloodshot eyes, and then she storms off to her bedroom and slams the door.

You and Aemond are left alone in the midst of humming florescent lightbulbs, long-eared owl hoots, the ambient shrieks of cicadas. The apple dumplings and ice cream have dissolved into a soup. Your lips are trembling; a single blistering tear escapes down your cheek. You refuse to break down. You learned years ago that there is nothing to be gained from it. Aemond studies you, seeking and worried. You avoid his gaze. His hand reaches for yours, stops short, retreats to drum his fingers against the counter.

At last, Aemond says: “How much is the horse thing?”

“Too much. Way too much. It’s over $300, I won’t be able to make rent.”

He sighs; not a frustrated sigh, you think, but a sigh of incredulity, maybe even of pity, which is the last thing in the world that you want from him. Aemond takes his wallet from his jeans pocket, leafs through it, and counts out $400 in twenties and tens that he stacks on the countertop.

You are mortified, horrified. “Aemond, no—”

“Look, next time I see you, we need to talk. We need to talk about my situation, and your situation, and what we’re going to do going forward. And it’s…fuck, it’s, it’s complicated. You’ll see. But we have to get it sorted out, because this is…” He gestures to you, to him, to what you’re building between you like a bridge linking islands. “It’s different than what I expected it would be. And that’s a good thing, but…there’s just a lot we have to discuss.”

“Aemond, I can’t accept this much money from you.”

“The money doesn’t matter. $400? That’s nothing. The money’s not real to me. But it is real to you. So please just take it. And next time I see you we’ll…we’ll decide what happens next.”

It’s complicated, Aemond said. You’ll see. See what? How bad could it possibly be? “We can’t talk now?”

“No, I can’t do it now. I just can’t.”

He’s not just uneasy or distracted. He’s fucking scared. “You’re married,” you say.

“No. No wife, no kids. I swear to God.”

“No girlfriend either?”

“No.”

“You’re divorced.”

“No.” He combs his fingers through his short blonde hair, stares blankly at the wall behind you. “You’re free Saturday, right?”

“Yeah. I think Cadi will be with Willis all weekend, actually. He’s taking her fishing on Lake Verret. If Jade Dragon hasn’t blown it up by then. I’ll be busy with work Saturday morning and early afternoon, but after that I’ll be around.”

“I’ll come over around dusk, probably,” Aemond says, hands in his Marlboro jacket pockets, thoughts miles away. “I have something going on Saturday afternoon too.”

And he leaves before you can thank him for the stack of cash on the counter, or for any of the rest of what he’s given you.

[simvanie]

7 Sins Legacy - generation 5 (gluttony)

Britney: Now what are you wearing? I said wear a disguise, not to look like your twenty-five year old self.

Sean: What? This is a disguise! The people that currently work here have never seen me with my mohawk, so don't worry. My wife helps with the costume design for the local theathre. She made this wig especially for me. Looks good, right?-

-I look like I belong in an upcoming rock band! Britney: A rock band for middle-aged men perhaps... Alright then, I can pretend to be your manager. Let's go inside before people start to think you're actually famous.

Britney: Ooh, look! This tiny salad and breadstick aren't that expensive... Especially when we combine it with tap water. It only costs just as much as I would normally pay for a full three-course meal.

Sean: As lead guitarist of a famous band you'd think I would choose the steak-

Britney: And who is going to pay for that? Because it's not going to be me. Sean: Oh! Right, yeah- I'm not actually famous.

Sean: Alright, I like the little reunion, but why are we actually here? Britney: I wanted to see if we can find something that can discredit this restaurant... Because I'd love to see it lose money after everything the owner did... To us and to Gulshan.

Sean: You mean just like that Halle girl did with Hamlet? Britney: No! Absolutely not! ...Because we're going to do it better. Look for anything you can find- Dirty toilets? Waiters not washing their hands? Are they serving food that fell on the ground? Anything.

While Britney stood by the aquarium of fish that were used as a fresh ingredient in the dishes, contemplating wheter or not these fish should also be considered living animals that are not allowed in restaurants, she suddenly noticed something...

Britney: Sean! Come here for a second. Sean: What is it? Did you find something? Britney: We had to remove the sockeye salmon from our menu a couple of weeks ago, right?

Sean: Yes, because the government said this species is endangered, and they want to give this salmon population the chance to grow. Britney: Then why is it here? I didn't see it on the menu... Unless they serve it under another name!-

-I remember that I did see a salmon dish on the menu when we just ordered, but I don't see any other kinds of salmon in this aquarium... Sean: You might be on to something- I would've never thought of that... Please remember me to never get on your bad side.

Britney: Hello, I'm sorry for the call at this hour- am I speaking with Ravi Prasad?... Yes... You're a lawyer, right?... Well, I want to sue a restaurant, The Tuna Tortuga, for using an endangered fish species in their dishes...-

-Yes, I'm pretty sure because we had to remove this fish species from our own restaurant's menu a couple of weeks ago... They still have them in their aquarium... Oh! Uh... My restaurant?... I work at The Foundling... For your brother, yes...-

You've heard about what happened?... The pig, yes- You want to do it? That's great!... Are you sure?... For free?... That's amazing, thank you!... Who he's dealing with? Well, tell the owner of The Tuna Tortuga that-

[onthewaytosomewhere]

🎁 and firstprince? ✨

Happy Valentine’s Day 🤍

'I can't believe you did all this for me.' and firstprince sure i can do that - hope you enjoy what i came up with for this - hope you had a good valentine's 💚

all of this weeks friday ficlets can be found here on ao3

Henry watches as Alex puts the finishing touches on the dessert he’s preparing—so into what he’s doing that he doesn’t even realize Henry is there, and for a moment, Henry simply watches, taking in the sight.

He assumed when Alex mentioned earlier that he wanted to make dinner tonight it would be one of their usual nights when they make dinner together. Well, when Alex makes it while Henry offers assistance where he can, which often means stirring something under strict supervision or grating cheese without losing a finger. But he’s come home to the most amazing smells—a mixture of fresh bread, roasted garlic, and something sweet and maybe caramelized that he can’t quite place. Watching Alex put so much effort into something for him makes him have to blink away the moisture in his eyes.

Henry walks into the kitchen and comes up behind Alex placing a kiss onto the nape of his neck. "Someone has been busy," He whispers into Alex’s ear.

“Well, I had a lot of excitement and maybe a little anxiety, so I needed to channel it.”

As Alex turns around to face him and Henry braces his hands on the counter on either side of Alex. Henry leans in and presses a lingering kiss to Alex’s lips. Alex responds eagerly and his fingers curl into Henry’s shirt, pulling him closer. The kiss is slow and unrushed, until the timer on the oven goes off.

Alex pulls away and smiles at him. “I gotta grab that, you go get changed into something more comfortable.” He gestures down at his own pajama bottoms and smiles.

When he comes back to the kitchen, Alex has pulled the homemade pizza from the oven, and its scent fills the air. On the counter beside it, there is a plate of perfectly made breadsticks and a fresh salad prepared just the way Henry likes it. Of course, next to all that is the turtle cheesecake Alex had been finishing and Henry is almost overwhelmed—it’s all the foods that have become his comfort foods since moving in with Alex.

He walks across the kitchen and pulls Alex to him. “I can’t believe you did all this for me.”

Alex pulls back to look at him and smiles. “It’s not every day you get to celebrate being with the love of your life for 3 years.”

[exhausted-archivist]

Updated: 2025/05

Part 1 of the Master Post Series as it is much too long for one post on Tumblr. Find Part 2 here.

I originally posted this on my old blog, an updated version here, and now with the release of Veilguard, I have to split the master post.

Like the original, this is still a very long post that contains all canonical desserts, dishes, drinks, and sauces. Unlike the original, I could not list canonically suggested food and ingredients, nor every codex, item, letter, ect in the sources.

Disclaimer

Though real life plants may be listed here as edible it is for fictional use only. This is not intended to be used as a reference nor guide for what plants are edible or safe to eat. Please do not use it as such.

Dishes

Breads

Bark Bread

Biscuit

Whole Grain Biscuit - Commonly made in Chantry cloisters. A staple in their simple diets.

Bark bread – a suggested alternative to black lichen bread should one be worried about the toxicity of black lichen.

Black Bread

Braided Honey and Date Bread (Anderfels)

Breadstick - some varieties have rosemary

Brown Bread

Robust loaf - a crusty loaf of brown bread

Buns

Butter Puff - Bread made by folding butter into the dough allowing it to become puffy and softer than usual bread. (Orlais)

Crumpet

Dark Bread

Dried Bread

Flat Bread - A no-rise bread.

Nevarran flatbread - Served with dip, brushed in oil, and/or as a side.

Rivaini flatbread

Honey Loaf

Lichen Bread - Bread that is made using lichen. (Orzammar)

Black Lichen Bread

Peasant Bread - Comprised of wheat, grease, and salt in equal measure, made by Dalish and city elves in Orlais. They top it with butter, jam, and sometimes sugar. (Elves - Orlais)

Pumpkin bread - A favorite of Dorian Pavus (Tevinter)

Raider Queen’s Bread of Many Tongues - Created by the Raider Queen, this bread calls for flour, baking powder, salt, butter, brown sugar, molasses, eggs, bananas. The creator calls for Par Vollen bananas but another version of the recipe says Rivaini bananas are an acceptable replacement. (Rivain)

Rolls

Bread Roll

Sweet Rolls

Ryott Bread - Made of a protein rich grain called ryott. (Ferelden, Chasind)

Sweet Bread

Thin Bread - A thin bread used to make wraps in Seheron.

Whole Grain Bread - Another staple made in Chantry cloisters.

Wraps - Described as "soft" bread.

Appetizers, Starters, and Refreshments

Blood Orange Salad - a salad of bitter greens with blood orange slices served on top. (Nevarra)

Canapé - a type of hors d'œuvre.

Couscous Salad - A salad comprised of couscous with many varieties, one such variety includes red bell peppers and mint. (Rivain)

Crab Cakes - a classic dish in Kirkwall. (Kirkwall)

Dried Bread and Fruit

Eggs à la Val Foret - An egg dish served with a cream sauce. (Orlais)

Fluffy Mackerel Pudding - Celery, pepper, mackerel, diced onion, mustard, salt, Antivan pepper, ground mace, cardamom seed, eggs. Also known as Feast Day Fish (Ferelden)

Fried Crab Legs - A subsitute for the Orzammar dish of fried young giant spiders.

Fried young giant spiders - A common food in Orzammar, usually served with an alcohol-based sauce that varies with every establishment. (Orzammar)

Roasted Cave Beetles - Roasted whole and eaten out of the shell. (Orzammar)

Roasted Prawns - A substitute to cave beetles, said to have the same taste and texture.

Shredded Dried Meat and Cheese - A dish that is commonly used as a spread by the dwarves and used for lunches. (Orzammar)

Snails Dressed in Butter and Oil (Avvar)

Snails and Watercress Salad - A non-traditional dish inspired by Avvar cuisine featuring snails and watercress to appeal to lowlander pallets.

Stuffed Deep Mushrooms - A dish derived from various Orzammar deep mushroom delicacy. This Fereldan creation is stuffed with cheese and spinach. (Ferelden)

Rations, Tavern Fare, and Travel Food

Armada Special - a sandwich that comes with meat and cheese. For additional cost you can add more meat and cheese, greens, pineapple, or make it "Nevarran" meaning vegetarian. It has a long history in Rivain, and is a common food eaten by pirates when they come into port. (Rivain)

Beer Nuts (Kirkwall)

Bread and Cheese

Breaded cheese wands - can be served as bottomless options with Orlesian sauce on the side. (Rivain)

Bronto Steak (Dwarven/Rivain)

Carta fries - served as a side to bronto steak. (Rivain)

Chicken Wings - Sold in The Rusted Horn as ‘Wyvern Wings.’ (Ferelden)

Crow Feed - made of rice, butter, and onions. A cheap meal named after the Antivan Crows. (Antiva)

Deep Fried Fish

Hal's Fish - deep fried fish sold by Halos, it has a metallic taste to it and is paired with a sauce while served on newsprint. (Tevinter)

Zeff's fish - deep fried fish sold by Zeff, described as having the lightest batter and being served on parchment. (Tevinter)

Deep Road Crispers - comes in three flavours: mild, medium, and paragon. The type of meat is not specified. (Rivain)

Dried Foods

Dried Fruit

Dried Meats

Fereldan Hearty Scones - a scone filled with bacon and cheese, careful, a mabari might snag it. (Ferelden)

Fish Pockets - A meal of fish, crisp vegetables, spices, and a soft wrap. (Seheron)

Fish Wrap - Fish wrapped in thin bread (Seheron)

Fish of the Day with pear slaw (Tevinter)

Free Marches mash-up - an unspecified dish that can be made vegetarian. (Rivain)

Fried bread

Fried bread with herbs (Tevinter)

Fry-bread (Tevinter)

Greens with Dressing - can have chicken or beef added to it, or be made "full Dalish". It can be served with Antivan, Orlesian or house dressing, it is unclear if the dressings are actually from Antiva and Orlais. (Rivain)

The Hanged Man's Stew - The tavern’s featured dish, made with a different mystery meat every morning. (Kirkwall)

Jerky

Jerky Ball

Spiced Jerky – a travel ration used widely by various cultures in Thedas. It is used by Dalish hunters when away from camp on hunts.

Meat Skewers - A portable snack. A known Orlesian version of this snack is primarily eaten by nobles while out on hunts and are not interested in the hunt, made of meat, cheese, and wine-soaked fruit.

Mystery Sludge - a type of stew served at the Hanged Man, the days leftovers would be tossed in a pot and left to simmer overnight. It changed every day as new things were added, it was sold cheap. (Kirkwall)

Peanut Butter and Sausage Special (Tevinter)

Pickled Eggs - Eggs, sugar, salt, vinegar, and various spices and seasoning of the cooks preference. Favored in Ferelden and seen as a cure all. Served in nearly every Fereldan tavern. (Ferelden)

Pig Oat Mash - A constant dish on The Hanged Man menu, a popular hangover cure if washed down with brandy spiked cider. This warming porridge contains apples, dried salt pork or smoked bacon, dried rolled oats, berries, ale or water (Kirkwall)

Poison Stings - "Poison stings" is the colloquial name. Orange peels coated in chocolate, a crunchy yet chew texture that is both sweet and sour. A favored snack of Dorian Pavus when traveling from Tevinter to Ferelden. (Tevinter)

Pork Hand Pies with Fresh Herb Sauce (Tevinter)

Provisions

Antaam Provisions - used by Antaam soldiers on the march. (Qunari)

Field Provisions - nutritionally dense, deeply unappetizing.

Specialty Provisions - may contain meat, these rations are for the discerning traveler.

Rations - Typically consist of dried meat, nuts, and a variety of other simple foodstuffs.

Dry Ration

Grey Warden Pastry Pockets - A hand pie filled with meat and other foods. Olesian Grey Wardens put their own twist using Olesian puff pastry. (Anderfels/Orlais)

Hardtack

Qunari Ration

Sausage Sauced with Nut Butter Stuffed in a Bun (Tevinter)

Savory Pie with Spinach (Tevinter)

Sea Monster Kebab - can be made vegetarian. (Rivain)

Spiced Fried Lentils (Tevinter)

Stuffed Vine Leaves - Common tavern food in Tevinter, stuffed with rice, herbs, and sometimes minced meat. Can be topped with lemon juice or tzatziki sauce. (Tevinter)

Taste of Ferelden Bread and Cheese - a spread of bread and cheeses from Ferelden. Can be upgrade to have a full cheese wheel. (Rivain)

Treviso Energy Balls - Made of peanut butter, oats, and dried fruit, it is a famine food invented during the occupation of Treviso in the Qunari Wars/The New Exalted Marches. (Antiva)

Turnip and mutton pie – served in Fereldan taverns such as the Rusty Horn. They are common tavern fare and consist of turnips, chunks of lamb, and a buttery crust. (Ferelden)

Unidentified Meat - Despite it's ominous name, it's simply chicken legs. Sometimes served with Nevarran flat bread. (Tevinter)

Dips, Glazes, Gravy, and Sauces

Apples Stewed in Brandy Sauce

Applesauce

Antivan Dressing (Antiva)

Cherry Sauce

Cheese Sauce

Citrus bagna cauda - an anchovy and garlic sauce (Antiva)

Cream Sauce

Deep Mushroom Flavored Cream Sauce - Commonly served with seared nug. (Orzammar)

Dragon’s Blood Sauce (Nevarra)

Fresh Herb Sauce (Tevinter)

Gravy

Honey-glaze - A sauce used to glaze various foods, particularly meats. (Anderfels)

Hot Sauce

Llomerryn Red Sauce - A sauce that goes on almost everything, contains pulped tomatoes, onions, red pepper, brown sugar, apple cider vinegar, mustard powder, hot pepper powder, salt, cinnamon stick, allspice, cloves, fennel seeds, dill seeds, mustard seeds, black peppercorns, bay, garlic. (Rivain)

Mushrooms cooked in ale - One recommendation for this sauce is to be served over roasted nug.

Mushroom Sauce

Nesting Roast Gravy - Gravy made from the pan juices of a nesting roast. Meant to be served with the roast. (Orlais)

Plum Sauce

Red Wine Marinade

River-herring Gravy - a gravy as white as apple blossoms. (Orlais)

Special Sauce - A sauce infused with the essence of fifty-two herbs, prized for the ability to help with “inadequacy”. (Kirkwall)

Spider Leg Sauce - a variety of alcohol-based sauces unique to each Orzammar establishment, meant to be paired with fried young giant spider legs. (Orzammar)

Toffee Sauce - served as a topping on sweets (Tevinter)

Tzatziki Sauce - Served with stuffed vine leaves. (Tevinter)

Wild Flower Glaze - A honeyed glaze made of wild flowers, it is recommended to use flowers plucked at dawn and the lowest blossoms. (Anderfels)

Yogurt Dip - Often served with flat bread (Nevarra)

Soups and Stews

Antivan seafood soup - a soup that comprises of sea bass, nocen shrimp, striped cod, squid, saffron, and salt.

Barley Soup

Blood Soup - Merrill is credited with the creation of this creamy beetroot soup, it is topped with roasted chickpeas. (Dalish)

Butter Soup - A simple, inexpensive, and easy soup. Made as midmorning meals or midday refresher for field workers. It is commonly fed to children and convalescents due to its nutritious nature. Ingredients include water, potatoes, cinnamon, star anise, clove, bay, peppercorns, salt, noodles, cream, butter (Orlais)

Cabbage Stew (Ferelden)

Dalish Seafood Soup

Deepstalker Stew - A stew of deepstalker is made when rations run low. (Legion of the Dead)

Denerim-rabbit Stew - Made with rat (City Elf)

Enchantment Soup - Made by Sandal, edibility unknown.

Fereldan Potato and Leek Soup

Fereldan Turnip and Barley Stew - White beans, oil, onion, carrots, celery, garlic, stock, turnips, turnip greens, sausage, barley, cumin, dried basil, oregano, salt, pepper, herbed wine vinegar

First Day Festival Stew (Orzammar)

Fish Chowder (Antiva)

Fish Stew

Hearty Chum - a stew made with fish heads, served in lands of the Qun and Rivain (Qunari)

Lamb and Pea Stew - a stew comprised of lamb and peas. It is considered to be a hearty and humble dish, and is so common in Ferelden that it is seen as being almost synonymous with the nation. Alistair has his own version of this soup. (Ferelden)

Lentil Soup - A universal soup, with lentils being common in every Thedosian pantry. Is eaten both in and outside of alienages.

Mutton Stew (Ferelden)

Mystery Stew

Nettle Soup

Norbotten Fruit Stew - This dish is used to rehydrate dried fruits: dried apricots, pitted prunes, raisins, mixed dried fruits (cherries, apples, cranberries, etc), lemon or orange, cinnamon, cloves, water, sugar or honey, brandy. (Anderfels)

Pea Soup (Ferelden)

Potato Stew (Fereden)

Ram Stew (Ferelden)

Sauced Eels (Qunari)

Sweet and Sour Cabbage Soup (Ferelden)

Turnip Stew (Ferelden)

Turnip-Goat Stew (Ferelden)

Wild Rabbit Stew

Main Course

Alamarri Pickled Krone - Krone, Brine, (optional) pine pitch and druffalo dung.

Apple cheesy butter noodles - a dish made by Harding that comprised of noodles cooked with butter and salt, diced or baked sliced apples or applesauce, and grated cheese. The apples are layered on top of the noodles, topped with cheese and then baked in the oven. (Ferelden)

Baked Fish - An Avvar cooking method where they wrap fish in pungent leaves and clay before cooking it in banked coals. (Avvar)

Baked Krone with Honey - The honey is typically used as a side sauce for dipping. (Fereldan)

Beans and Bread

Boiled Roots

Braised Nug with Elfroot (Dwarven)

Braised Ram with all the Trimmings (Ferelden)

Broiled Boar Head (Fereldan)

Bug-cakes (Dalish)

Cacio e pepe - A dish of three ingredients; spaghetti, pepper, and pecorino romano. (Antiva)

Cheese toast - toast in cheese sauce (Nevarra)

Dalish Deep Forest Comfort - String squashes, halla butter, garlic, mushrooms, elfroot or spinach, diced tomatoes or beetles, hot red pepper, rock salt, halla cheese or goat cheese, edible wildflowers (borage, chicory, etc), pine nuts. (Dalish, Southern Orlais)

Dumplings

Apple Dumplings - made by Harding's mother. (Ferelden)

Pork Dumplings

First Day Chicken - a dish served during First Day in some parts of Orlais. (Orlais)

Fish in Salt Crust - Cooked much liked the baked fish, instead of using clay, the fish is covered in salt and wrapped in pungent leaves before being cooked in banked coals. (Avvar)

Fried Fish

Pan-fried Fish - a favorite of Bellara's.

Fried Mush (Orzammar)

Fried leeks and potatoes

Gilded Swan with River-herring Gravy - An eastern spice, flour, gold leaf, river herring, swan, yolk. (Orlais)

Glazed Krone (Ferelden)

Gnocchi (Antiva)

Goat Custard - A broiled goat head, not to be confused with the dessert. (Ferelden)

Gravy on Fish (Tevinter)

Griddle Cake - can be topped with strawberries (Anderfels)

Grilled Halla (Dalish)

Grilled Poussin - Grilled chicken, typically a younger chicken. (Chasind)

Grilled Skewered Squid - served with tentacle salad and orange slices. (Tevinter)

Grilled Treviso with Citrus Bagna Cauda - features a fish named after the city covered in a citrus, garlic, and anchovy sauce. (Antiva)

Gruel - The Grey Wardens serve this cold at Weisshuapt according to Davrin.

Halla Cakes (Dalish)

Ham

Anderfels Smoked Ham – this ham is said to taste of despair, though this is only rumor or on word of the importers. One glaze for this ham is made of apricots and apples.

Avvar Ham

Ham and Herbs

Ham Stuck with Cloves

The Jade Ham - Honeyed with wild flowers (especially those picked at dawn), masterfully seasoned, and spiral-cut. Not considered edible but better used as a weapon. (Anderfels)

Jellied Ham

Orlesian Ham

Seleny Ham (Antiva)

Smoked Ham

Treviso Ham (Antiva)

Herbed Chicken and Biscuits (Ferelden)

Jellied Meats

Jellied Pigs Feet - A delicacy in the Free Marches and originally a popular commoner food that has risen to the tables of nobility. Pigs feet and/or pork hocks, salt, onions, garlic, allspice, peppercorns, bay. (Free Marches)

Veal Galentine (Orlais)

Khachapuri - one variety of this dish has three cheeses (Tevinter)

Liver

Lutefisk

Meat Pies

Dove Pie - A pie made with live doves, for the theater of the meal. (Orlais)

Nug Bacon and Egg Pie (Ferelden)

Pigeon Pie

Pork Pie

Starkhaven Fish and Egg Pie - Fish from the Minanter River (carp, trout, or others), wine, onion, carrot, thyme, bay, sea salt, dried currants, sliced almonds, boiled sliced eggs, butter, flour, fish broth, milk, salt, pepper, nutmeg, cream, fried whitebait or other small fish. (Starkhaven)

Unmentionable Pie - It is a meat pie that uses the typically undesirable parts of an animal. (Ferelden)

Venison Pasty - A hand pie filled with venison. In Serault, it is served with curls of goat cheese. (Orlais)

Nesting Roast - This dish is classically made with a quail stuffed in a pheasant stuffed in a swan. Served with gravy made from the pan juices. (Orlais)

Mad Burnard’s Gift of Flesh - A nesting roast unlike any other, involving a whole wyvern, stuffed with a whole gurn, stuffed with a horse, stuffed with a large halla (horns and all), stuffed with a swan, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a quail, stuffed with a bunting that choked on a gold piece. (Orlais)

Noodles

Noodles with Gravy (Tevinter)

Rolled Noodles

Nug-gets (Orzammar)

Nug-loaf (Orzammar)

Nug-Nug - A dish meant to resemble a nug peeking from its burrow; made of ground meat (beef preferred), parsley, egg, salt, crushed cumin or mustard seeds, black pepper, cooked rice, tomatoes, onions, chives (Orlais)

Oysters

Fresh oyster - can be served with Llomeryn red sauce

Oyster platter - served on ice with lemon and mint, the pearls have been removed. (Tevinter)

Paella – an Antivan dish made with rice, saffron and various types ingredients.

Non-seafood paella - a variation made without seafood. (Antiva)

Seafood paella - a variation made with different types of seafood, such as shrimp, cuttlefish, and mussels. (Antiva)

Pancake - The breakfast food and savory dishes.

Crepes - A very thin pancake that can be filled with sweet or savory ingredients. (Orlais)

Hearth Cakes - Described as a common fare where they are baked on an iron griddle. They are made with halla butter (can be subbed for goat or cow butter), flour, hardwood ash (can be replaced with baking powder), cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, sugar, mixed dried fruit (like cranberries, raisins, and currants), an egg, and milk. Described as baeing crispy and flaky on the outside, but remains moist on the inside. They are grilled on one side and then are flipped over, ensuring they are all crisp and bown. (Dalish)

Nug Pancakes - A savory pancake made with nug. A favorite among dwarven children. (Orzammar)

Pasta

Crustacean pasta - a trio of poached crustaceans or scorpions on a bed of lightly dressed noodles topped with fresh herbs and sliced peppers. (Tevinter)

Demon-haired pasta (Antiva)

Pasta made of peppers and oils - a Harding creation

Porridge

Bland Porridge

Cider Porridge

Deer Porridge - A savory porridge served with deer.

Porridge with Raisins

Savory Porridge - Served with meat, vegatables, or spices.

Savory Porridge - served with apricots and currants.

Poutine - made of cheese curds, gravy, and potato fries.

Pudding - A sweet or savory, steamed dish that can be topped with gravy or chocolate.

Rack of Ribs (Ferelden)

Ram Chops (Ferelden)

Ram Cutlet (Ferelden)

Rice and Boiled Vegetables (Tevinter)

Roast

Gurgut Roast with Lowlander Spices and Mushroom Sauce (Avvar)

Roast Boar - One cooking method involves the boar being stuffed with apples (Ferelden and Orlais). Another has it served with a side of candied yams.

Roast Chicken

Roast Duck

Roast Hog

Roast Lamb

Roast Turkey - Common in the Free Marches, especially among Starkhaven nobility, as well as the Chasind.

Roast Wyvern - Common with the Avvar and Orlais.

Roasted Cave Beetle (Dwarven)

Roasted Giant Spider (Dwarven)

Roasted Nug (Orzammar)

Roasted Phoenix - One of the most infamous meals in Thedas, it is served with sweet red wine.

Roasted Rabbit

Roasted Venison with Wild Greens - The venison is seasoned with mint and pepper, served with wild greens and sweet pastries. Paired with wine to drink. (Ferelden)

Slow-roasted Nug-let (Orzammar)

Spit-roasted Deepstalker (Dwarven)

Spit-roasted Nug with Hot Sauce (Orzammar)

Roasted Cabbage

Roasted Cabbage with Gravy (Tevinter)

Salad

Roasted Chicken Salad

Salted Meat

Salt Pork

Salted Beef

Salted Dragon - a food that was once a more common food during the Orlesian highlands Hivernal festival.

Salted fish

Salted Goat

Salted Halla (Dalish)

Sandwich

Cucumber Sandwich

Ham Sandwich

Ham and jam slam - a sandwich comprised of buttered toast, ham, and jam. (Harding/Ferelden)

Yam and jam slam - a sandwich based on the ham and jam slam, a vegetarian option comprised of buttered toast, yam, and jam. (Harding/Ferelden)

Sausage - There are about twelve different kinds of sausage unnamed mentioned in Last Court.

Black Pudding - A type of blood sausage made from pork or beef blood, pork fat or beef sue, and a type of cereal. (Orlais)

Smoked Sausage

Spiced and Salted Sausage

Scrambled Eggs

Scrambled Eggs with Gravy (Tevinter)

Seared Nug - Usually served with a deep mushroom cream sauce. (Orzammar)

Simmering Partridge - Cooked with sweet onions and pale beans (Orlais)

Smoked Meat

Smoked Boar

Smoked Fish

Smoked Trout

Smoked Rabbit

Smoked Venison

Soufflé

Venison Soufflé

Spiced Nug

Steak

Nug Steak (Orzammar)

Peppered Steak

Wyvern Steak (Orlais)

Stir-fry

Stuffed Cabbage - A seasoned cabbage head stuffed with meat.

Venison with Apples Stewed in Brandy Sauce

Wandering Hills - A delicacy made from large creatures of the same name. (Anderfels)

Wild meat with Mushrooms (Dalish)

Sides

Antivan Olives - Soaked in vinegar and stuffed with capers.

Boiled Turnip (Ferelden)

Brandy Soaked Cherries (Orzammar)

Candied Yams

Croutons

Fried Peppers (Rivain)

Fried Potatoes - Recommended to be served with Llomerryn red sauce.

Fries - can be potatoes, served as a side to streak.

Hard-boiled Egg

Honey Carrots - Most common in Orlais where it is traditionally sweeter compared to other places due to the use of honey.

Jarred Olives (Tevinter)

Jellied Eels (Ferelden)

Mashed Turnip (Ferelden)

Pear Slaw (Tevinter)

Peeled Grapes (Tevinter)

Pickled Foods

Pickled Apples

The Pickled Apples of Arlathan - Apples said to be from the time of Arlathan. The taste is described to be one of fresh apples, with the same crispness.

Pickled Fish

Pickled Lamprey

Pickled Nug

Pickled Ox Tongue

Pickled Vegetables

Pickles

Roasted Chestnuts (Nevarra)

Roasted Figs (Rivain)

Roasted Potatoes - Recommended to be served with Llomerryn red sauce.

Roasted Turnip (Ferelden)

Sera’s Yummy Corn

Smoked Bacon

Steamed Beans

Steamed Turnips (Ferelden)

Stir-fried Turnips (Ferelden)

Toast

Toasted Bread - Used for dipping in stews.

Toasted Chickpeas - Used as a topping for soups and salads, sometimes as a replacement for croutons.

Wine Soaked Fruit

Baked Goods, Desserts, and Sweets

Bread Pudding - Made with stale bread, eggs, milk or cream, and other ingredients varied by if it is savory or sweet (Ferelden)

Cake

Apple Cake (Ferelden)

Cake with Apples

Cake with Nutmeg

Chocolate Cake

Cupcakes

Cherry Cupcakes - Historically a common method used to poison people, often served in the theater. (Tevinter)

Found Cake - A chocolate cream cake topped with white frosting and strawberries (Ferelden)

Hazelnut torte - a hazelnut cake layered with apricot preserves and topped with chocolate icing. It contains eggs, flour, dark chocolate, baking powder, heavy cream, salt, sugar, hazelnut, apricot liqueur, and either rum, orange liqueur, or strong coffee. (Nevarra)

Hearth Cake - A pan-made cake; made of flour, hardwood ash or baking powder, halla butter, sugar, mixed dried fruit (currants, cranberries, etc), egg, milk. (Dalish)

Honey Cake (Orlais)

Lamprey Cake - contains no actual lampreys, it is modeled after the appearance of lamprey.

Lemon Cake

Petit Fours (Orlais)

The Exquisite Misery - A little cake topped with a dusting of anise, deep mushrooms, and gold dust. (Orlais)

Pound Cake

Round Cake - Often topped with poppyseed and honey. In Serault, they will sometimes have the antlers baked into the crust. (Orlais)

Sponge Cake (Orlais)

Sugar cake – made with strawberries and sugar-cream icing on a pound cake. Seen as great gifts and good pick-me-ups after long days of traveling, and are often served by merchants. (Ferelden)

Sugar cake – a cake which shares its name with other dishes. This recipe calls for a "humble" cake (rather than a pound cake) to be topped with butter, sugar and almonds. It is also seen as a great gift and as a good pick-me-up after traveling all day, and sold by merchants.

Sugar-drizzled Lemon Cake - A type of lemon cake that was used in Antivan Crow history to assassinate templars.

Sugarcake - A dense cake usually topped with powdered sugar.

Sweet Cake

Wedding Cake

Candy

Black Licorice Candy - Can be salted. (Tevinter)

Bon-bons

Candied Almonds

Candied Fruit

Candy Apple (Ferelden)

Candied Dates (Tevinter)

Candied Sage Leaves - A popular treat in Nevarra.

Candy Cane

Carastian Candy - A candied chocolate. (Tevinter)

Peppermints

Spun Sugar (Ferelden)

Sweetmeat - A confectionery treat, sometimes candy coated fruit.

Toffee

Unnamed Candied Nuts with Spice - A candy that is sweet until swallowed, then they leave a spicy aftertaste. (Orlais)

Churro (Antiva)

Cobbler

Dalish Forest Fruit Cobbler

Strawberry and Rhubarb Cobbler (Ferelden)

Coffee Ice - a treat made in Minrathous, it tastes like coffie with a texture "like snow", it is topped by cream and toffee sauce.

Cookies

Biscuit - A hard, flat, and unleavened baked treat that can be sweet or savory.

Bran Cookies

Butter and Sugar Cookie - This cookie isn’t specified as it is only described by these ingredients.

Raisin Cookies

Shortbread

Sugar Biscuits

Tea Biscuits

Wafers

Custard

Goat Custard - Differing from the Fereldan savory counterpart. This custard is made throughout Thedas with goat milk and has numerous varieties. On pairs it with roast fig. A Rivain variation uses milk of the Ayesleigh gulabi goats specifically for its sweeter milk.

Donuts

Ice Cream

Orlesian Guimauves - Another name for marshmallows.

Pastries

Antivan Apple Grenade

Cinnamon Rolls - one of Varric's favorite pastries.

Croissant - Vivienne starts every morning with one. (Orlais)

Honey and Nut Pastry (Tevinter)

Macaroon

Marie du Lac Erre’s Sweet Ruin - One version of this pastry with a dramatic history, the recipe contains; butter, powdered sugar, chocolate, vanilla extract, flour, orange or mint extract, baking powder, and milk. (Orlais)

Tarts

Jam Tart

Strawberry Tart

Tart de limone - a lemon tart that pairs well with tea (Antiva)

Vanilla-and-nutmeg Tart

Unnamed Blueberry Pastry - A light, sticky pastry with blueberries. (Possibly Nevarra)

Varric's Favorite Pastry - A pastry spread created by Devon, a Fereldan cook, after consulting with Varric Tethras on his favorite pastry.

Pie

Apple Pie

The Blessed Apple - A pie made by a small cloister of Chantry sisters tending to the orchard, they use the windfall apples and share the pies freely; as well as the apples. The ingredients are flour, salt, butter, water, apples (golden apples from Lady’s Orchard preferred but others are acceptable substitutions), brown sugar, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. (Orlesian)

Elderberry Pie

Gooseberry Pie

Minced Pie - filled with finely chopped fruit and sweet things.

Rhubarb Pie

Pudding

Blancmange - A white pudding made of milk or heavy cream, its name is Orlesian for "white eating". Because of the mild, sweet taste it can have a variety of toppings such as toasted almonds, ribbons of fresh mangos, red grape compote, cherry saus, or Vivienne's preferred plating of white chocolate curls with whole jasmine flowers. (Orlais)

Caramel Pudding

Dessert Pudding

Jam Pudding (Ferelden)

Rice Pudding

Scones

Sour Cherries in Cream – an Orlesian dessert made of black cherries, cherry sauce, and whipped cream. In Orlesian cuisine it is eaten when a lighter dessert is required. (Orlais)

Sticky Figs Rolled in Nuts (Tevinter)

Sticky Jellies (Orlais)

Drinks

Absinthe

Absence - One of the bottles of Thedas you find in Inquisition.

Absinthe - also referred to la fée verte - “little green fairy”

Petite Absinthe - Made from a certain type of wormwood.

Ale, Beer, Drafts, Lagers, Malts, and Stouts

The Tapster’s Tavern in Orzammar serves 52 types of ale, some are listed.

Ale

Ander Stout - This stout is stored in oak casts. (Anderfels)

Barley Wine - Despite its name, this is an ale.

Beer

Brakien Brew (Orzammar)

Brown Ale

Coconut Draft (Orzammar)

Dwarven Stout - an Orzammar recipe brewed by associates of the dwarven Ambassadoria. (Orzammar/Tevinter)

Fereldan Beer

Fereldan Lager - A pale ale.

Lichen Ale (Orzammar)

Lichen-malt (Orzammar)

Oghren’s Homebrew - An amber coloured ale with a slightly sweet, nutty flavor and described to have a hint of toastiness, and is spiced with cloves. (Dwarven)

Qunari Ale

Ryott Ale (Ferelden)

Ryott Beer (Ferelden)

Starkhaven Lager

Tevinter Lager

Valenta’s Red (Orzammar)

Watered Beer - While watered beer is served to reduce the price of beer and stretch it along, it is also served as a provision. In Serault, the peasantry drink watered beer to stave off the summer heat.

Watered-down Ale

Wildwine - An ale made from ryott. (Chasind)

Wilhelm’s Special Brew - This dark-colored ale gives off a thick, oaky smell. When swirled in its tankard, it takes on an unexpected glow. (Ferelden)

Brandy

Ammazzacaffe - known as "Coffee-killer" it is a pomace brandy that is swirled in a still warm coffee cup and sipped.. (Antiva)

Aged Antivan Brandy

Antivan Brandy

Antivan Plum Brandy

Apple Brandy (Orlais)

Fire Brandy - a strong drink that is used to flambé desserts.

Orlesian Brandy

Plum Brandy

West Hill Brandy (Ferelden)

Cider

A drink made from fermenting crushed fruit, the most common being apple. It can be alcholic.

Brandy-spiked-cider

Cider

Elven Cider

Serault Cider (Orlais)

Winter Cider (Wycome)

Cocktails

Benediction - Made of Prophet's Larel gin, served with a wedge of lime, and a thimble of Golden Scythe.

Elfroot mixed with Dandelion Wine - A restorative draft. (City Elves of Orlais)

The Emerald Valley - A spirit distilled of over seventy different herbs and flowers by the Chantry sister in Lydes, it is topped with egg-white foam and dusted with nutmeg. Described as having a varied and complex flavour, fresh like a lush green valley. (Orlais)

Dragon’s Piss - The name is probably figurative, but no one knows for sure. BioWare gives the “recipe” for Dragon Piss as “1 oz light rum, 1 oz dark rum, filled with iced tea”. "Dragon's Breath" is offered as an alternative name for this drink as it is served while lit on fire in the glass and burns on the way down.

The Golden Nug - Made with a base of effervescent white Seleney wine, sweetened with a dash of West Hill brandy and a splash of pomegranate juice. Muddled with raspberries and garnished with a sprig of Royal Elfroot. The goal is to imitate the soft pink colour of a nug.

The Heart of Spring - A “restorative” drink from Verchiel made with violets. (Orlais)

The Hissing Drake - Mix of cinnamon-infused whiskey, darl Llomerryn rum, and Hirol's Lava Burst.

Ice Cream and Beer

A Night of Shame - Antivan port with a dash of chocolate bitters and a twist of orange, served in a flute of chilled Serault glass. (Orlais)

Orichalcum mixed with wine - Considered to have aphrodisiac properties.

Posset - A drink made of hot milk curdled with ale, wine, or other liquor and typically flavored with spices. Can be drunk as a delicacy or as a cold remedy.

Qun on the Rocks - rum matched with salt water and seasonal Par Vollen fruit. (Antiva)

The Randy Dowager - Rumored to be created by the editor of the periodical, it is a tall glass of Abyssal Peach liquor and fresh cream, garnished with sugared rose petals and served on a silk handkerchief with a scandalous rhyming couplet inked by the bartender. (Orlais)

To Cure a Cold - a folk remedy that requires boiling whiskey and adding lemon juice and crushed garlic.

Coffee

A major export of Antiva.

Andoral's breath - a special blend served in Treviso.

Aromatic coffee - finely ground and perfectly blanded roast, common among Trevesians.

Caf Pietra's coffee

Expensive coffee

Strong coffee

Gin

Gin

Daisy Fun-time Lemon Gin

Lemon Gin

Prophet’s Laurel Gin (Orlais)

Grey Warden Liquor

These are bottles unique to members of the order, as each warden will combine half-full bottles in order to save space. No bottle is ever fully emptied or cleaned. In order to preserve the base flavor. They are called Grey Whiskey, Ritewine, or Conscription Ale, each vintage is named after a warden with a small note.

Vintage: Warden Anras - Bottled whimsy.

Vintage: Warden Bethany Hawke - Princess piss.

Vintage: Warden Carver Hawke - Toast them all.

Vintage: Warden Daedalam - Extra red.

Vintage: Warden Eval’lal - Griffon Wing Ale

Vintage: Warden Gibbins - Don’t frigging touch! I spit in this! I mean it!

Vintage: Warden Jairn - Smash when dead.

Vintage: Warden Korenic - Notes of fruit and anger.

Vintage: Warden Riordan - Serve yourself.

Vintage: Warden Steed - Joining juice.

Vintage: Warden Tontiv - Home.

Mead

The Tapster’s Tavern in Orzammar serves 17 types of mead, some are listed. Honeywine is another name for mead.

Avvar Mead

Chasind Sack Mead

Lady Odette Guillory’s Family Honey Wine (Orlais)

Mead

Orlesian Honeywine

Port

A sweet, fortified red wine, typically served with dessert.

'28 Val Foret Port (Orlais)

Antivan Port

Tevinter Port

Rum

Boot Screech is another name for rum.

Alvarado’s Bathtub Boot Screech

Blackwater Rum (Wycome)

Dark Llomerryn Rum

Tea and Other Drinks

Cocoa/Hot Chocolate

Cioccolata calada - Antivan hot chocolate

Grave-mist - magically infused vapors captured near tombs where spirits dwell. (Nevarra)

Juice

Fermented Fruit Juice

Pickle Juice

Pomegranate Juice

Prune Juice

Punch

Spicy Punch

Tea

Almond Tea (Orlais)

Bitter Tea - An unspecified tea so bitter it is astringent. Served during the Fourth Blight.

Black Tea

Black Tea with Juniper

Fires of Change Tea (Orlais)

Ginger Tea

Gingerwort Truffle Tea - from an old recipe, can have magical side effects for some people.

Herbal Tea

Iced Tea

Lattenfluss Tea (Anderfels)

Lavender Tea

Mint Tea

Anderfels Mint Tea

Nameless Tevinter Tea

Rivaini Spice Tea Blend - Blend of cinnamon, ginger, and cloves. One of the teas from Rivain known for its healing properties. Empress Celene commonly uses this tea to stave off headaches.

Rivaini Tea

Rivaini Tea Blend - A blend of licorice root, oregano, lemon verbena, and peppermint. One of the teas from Rivain known for its healing properties. Rumored to be favored by Empress Celene to stave off headaches.

Rosehips Tea (Orlais)

Spiced Tea (Nevarra)

Stripweed Tea (Tevinter)

Tea with Milk (Tevinter)

Unsweetened Tea

Verimensis Tea – Tevinter's most famous tea, it is said to be the most expensive drink in all of Thedas. (Tevinter)

Whiskey

Cinnamon-infused Whiskey

Ferelden Whisky

Legacy White Shear

Mackay’s Epic Single Malt

Wine

The Tapster’s Tavern in Orzammar serves 12 types of imported wines, some are listed.

'39 Seleny Wine - Taash describes it as smelling like "a two-week-old towel" (Antiva)

Agreggio Pavali (Tevinter)

Alyons Black (Orlais)

Amaranthine Red (Ferelden)

Anderfels Red

Antivan House Wine

Antivan Red

Antivan Wine

Bitter Black Wine (Orlais)

Bottled Scar 5:34 Exalted - A rare collaboration between human and elf vintners.

Celestine Black Wine (Orlais)

Dalish Wine

Dandelion Wine (City Elves of Orlais)

Elderberry Wine (Ferelden)

Finale by Massaad (Orlais)

Flames of Our Lady (Orlais)

Flat Wine

Ghislain Red (Orlais)

Iced Wine - Mentioned in both Tevinter and Orlais.

Minrathous Red - rich in flavour, with hints of plum and spices (Tevinter)

Minrathous White - a light and refreshing wine, favourd during the humid summers in Tevinter.

Montsimmard White (Orlais)

Mosswine (Orzammar)

Mulsum (Tevinter)

Orlesian Red

Plum Wine

Red Wine

Serault Yellow Wine (Orlais)

Serault White (Orlais)

Silent Plains Piquette - the Nevarran vintages are popular among Venatori and are considered to be a cheap wine. (Nevarra/Tevinter)

Southern Black Wine

Spiced Wine

Sweetened and Spiced Yellow Wine

Unnamed Wine - a cheap wine with a cherry underscent.

Val Chevin Red Wine (Orlais)

Vint-6 The Common Red - thick and sweet, it is served by the sip. Tradition says the more who drink, the greater the fortune. (Tevinter)

Vint-9 Rowan’s Rose (Tevinter)

Watered Wine

White Seleny Wine (Antiva)

White Wine

Wildervale Rosé (Free Marches)

Yellow Wine

Additional Spirits

Abyssal Peach

Antivan Sip-Sip

Aqua Magus

Aquae Lucidius - A potent liquor made of wyvern venom; a rare drink known for its hallucinogenic properties.

Bottle of Rotgut - Rotgut is slang for cheap whiskey.

Butterbile :84

Carnal 8:69 Blessed (Orlais)

Dwarven Ale - Not actually an ale, but a black liquid reputedly made from fungus with a reputation as being almost undrinkable for anyone not a dwarf.

Garblog’s Backcountry Reserve

Golden Scythe 9:40 Black

Hirol’s Lava Burst (Kal'Hirol)

Maraas-Lok (Qunari)

Moonshine

Potent Moonshine

Sun Blonde Vint-1 (Tevinter)

Sources:

(If you want to find the direct links or page numbers, check out the Wiki's Food and Ingredients page.)

Primary Sources:

Dragon Age: Origins (Base and DLCs)

Dragon Age: Awakening

Dragon Age 2 (Base and DLCs)

Dragon Age: The Last Court

Dragon Age: Inquisition (DLCs + Multiplayer)

Dragon Age: The Veilguard

Books:

Dragon Age Tabletop RPG Core Rulebook

Dragon Age Tabletop RPG: Blood in Ferelden

Dragon Age Tabletop RPG: Game Master’s Kit: Buried Past

World of Thedas Vol. 1

World of Thedas Vol. 2

Dragon Age Official Cookbook: Tastes of Thedas

Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne

Dragon Age: The Calling

Dragon Age: The Masked Empire

Dragon Age: Asunder

Dragon Age: Last Flight

Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights

Short Story: Paper and Steel

Short Story: Paying the Ferryman

Short Story: Riddle in Truth

Short Story: As We Fly

Comics:

Silent Grove

Mage Killer

Knight Errant

Deception

Wanna support this blog?

Check out my ko-fi.

[dammit-neal]

bucktommy fans I'm opening the floor for a discussion: I'm confused.

I've been a buddie shipper ever since I saw them for the first time. And season after season I have WAITED for movement to happen on that front.

Then in comes Tommy, he's cool. I get it. But the hype train? I don't get it. I don't understand the feral excitement over him. I feel the same emptiness watching buck with him as I felt with Lucy tbh. He's cool, but he's not Eddie. Like, yay, a guy, but he's just as random as Buck's other relationships. It's just as rushed, Buck sees them, at some random non-sequitur moment Buck decides "this is it" and jumps in. Three seconds later they're kissing. It ain't it for me. There's no buildup, there's no nothing.

And then I come here, and all I see is folks frothing at the mouth over Bucktommy. Credit where it's due, he helped Buck out of the closet, but aside from that? Thank goodness he has a personality worth a damn, and he's funny, unlike Buck's other love interests, but he still isn't Eddie, and that puts him in a long line of love interests that I don't much care about.

I literally don't understand the people who are so excited with this utter left turn. Putting Buck together with anyone who isn't Eddie still feels like crumbs. I still feel cheated, It's like if I was in a restaurant with the fandom and there are pictures of lasagna everywhere and it smells like lasagna, and so we all sit down and wait for lasagna for YEARS and the restaurant keeps offering us all breadsticks, and we're all firm on this: "breadsticks aren't lasagna, we're holding out for lasagna." And 7 years later the restaurant puts a Caesar salad down before us and everyone around me is like "Oh great this Caesar salad this is perfect I'm starving so I'll eat this and forget lasagna" And I'm like "this isn't lasagna its clearly a salad, I didn't wait years for some random salad, where's my lasagna." And they're all like "Shame on you salad is perfect"

So I guess the question is, what am I missing? And outside of the thrill of the coming out story, how do you find this relationship any more satisfying than any of Buck's other last minute loves?

[finniestoncrane]

💜🍴 Finnie's 1.5k Follower Event 🍴💚

CLOSED by health inspector

even though it felt like this took forever it really didn't because i've only been on here and writing for just over a year, and i'm so grateful that people still follow me despite my personality as a whole lmao, i wanted to do something silly and goofy so here's my prompt list for my milestone ;-; hello and welcome to the vill-inn, gotham's newest restaurant (and definitely 100% not a money-laundering front for nefarious rogue activity no sirree u-u) please come on in and peruse the menu and let us know what you want to eat!! send in your order + reader/insert gender/pronouns/genitals too! the restaurant is now closed as well as writing headcanons and drabbles, i'm also doing a little give away! so anyone who asks off anon (or not, check the specials menu below) i'll enter into a little silly draw for a 1k commission and pick 3 winners u-u 🔞minors dni🔞 • masterlist • kofi link • tag: finnie1500 (to follow or to block)

Hello, welcome to Vill-Inn, how will you be DIE-ning with us today?

Sit-In [drabbles/short fic]

Takeout [bullet-point/free form story/headcanon style]

Delivery [surprise me]

Great! Wonderful! What can I get you to drink? And don't say fear toxin! (I'm this close to quitting...) (pick 1)

Water [hurt/comfort]

Soda [angst]

Milkshake [fluff]

Signature Cocktail [smut/pwp]

Black Coffee [doesn't matter/surprise me]

And what will you be having for your MAIM course? (pick 1, feel free to specify the version)

Question Mark Shaped Nuggies [riddler]

Sushi Platter [penguin]

Pumpkin Ravioli [scarecrow]

Surf and Turf [two face]

Arroz con Pollo [bane]

Steak [victor zsasz]

Cucumber Sandwiches [mad hatter]

Garden Salad [poison ivy]

Gut Buster Burger [harley quinn]

Gazpacho [mr freeze]

Plain Noodles with Butter [john doe]

Gumbo [killer croc]

BBQ Platter [captain boomerang]

And what loyal side(kick)s are you having with that? (pick up to 4)

🍟 Regular Fries [waking up with them]

🧇 Waffle Fries [sex in a public place]

🍠 Sweet potato Fries [visiting them in Arkham/Blackgate]

➰ Curly Fries [only one bed]

🍁 Poutine [slow dancing]

🥔 Potato Skins [at a party]

🍕 Pizza Bites [tending to wounds]

🍗 Chicken Wings [confession/confessing feelings]

🍔 Sliders [exacting revenge]

🌭 Mini Dogs [hate/angry sex]

🍤 Popcorn Shrimp [hugs from behind]

🐔 Chicken Strips [oral sex/how they give and receive]

🍿 Cheese Popcorn [bite marks/marking kink]

🥒 Deep Fried Pickles [sloppy kisses]

🧅 Blooming Onion [being rejected]

🍘 Rice Crackers [choking]

🍞 Bread Rolls [blood play]

🧄 Garlic Bread [straddling]

🥖 Breadsticks [neck/wrist kisses]

🥪 Half Sandwich [giving/receiving praise]

🥣 Soup [argument]

🍜 Noodles [cuddles]

🍚 Steamed Rice [denial]

🦪 Oysters [rough sex]

🍣 Sushi Sampler [edging/orgasm denial]

🌽 Corn on the Cob [instructional masturbation]

🥕 Honey Glazed Carrots ["open your mouth"]

🥗 Green Salad ["do you need a hand?"]

🍅 Tomato Salad ["i have to go"]

🍏 Fruit Salad ["i shouldn't have to ask"]

🍆 Roasted Veg ["i've never done this before"]

🥦 Seared Broccoli ["i hate you"]

🧀 Cheese Platter ["it's too late"]

🍖 Meat Plate ["i've never wanted anything more"]

🍄 Sauteed Mushrooms ["do you want it rough or gentle?"]

🥑 Guacamole ["please don't leave"]

🥜 Toasted Peanuts ["i want to hear you"]

🥓 Bacon Bits ["i didn't say stop"]

💚 Specials Menu 💚

I'm Here For A Blind Date [tell me a bit about yourself and i'll do a character pairing for who you're having lunch with]

Can I Get A Seat At the Buffet? [i don't have an idea/want to ask off anon, but i want to be included in the draw - this message won't be answered]

thanks for visiting, and please feel free to tip your wait staff 💜

[boomboxboi]

What is the BucciGang’s order at Olive Garden? 🍝

Bruno Bucciarati

Chicken Marsala Fettuccini

He also divulges in Tiramisu when he finishes.

He stores breadsticks in his zipper dimension for later.

“More cheese.”

Does not toss the salad and the first two people to get salad gets ALL toppings and the rest get just lettuce.

An actual regular.

But Olive Garden staff loathes him.

“Oh great… here comes the breadstick man…”

Leone Abbacchio

Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara

Encourages Bruno to get breadstick refills and dump them into a zipper portal.

He judges Giorno’s choice.

“You just get the salmon?”

“Freak….”

But he actually likes the salmon.

He likes to share the tiramisu with Bruno.

Olive Garden is fancy.

Pannacotta Fugo

Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks

But he only eats the Minestrone.

He hates the salad toppings but whenever Bruno serves the salad he ends up with ALL the toppings.

He also only eats one breadstick.

Appalled by Bruno‘a Breadstick Zipper.

They MUST be stale by now!

Olive Garden is never his choice but he’s always voted out by the Olive Garden fans.

He doesn’t want desert, either.

“We have Olive Garden at home!”

—the Olive Garden at home—

Narancia Ghirga

Eggplant Parmigiana

Appetizers please!

Please! Please! Please!

PUUUUUH-LEEEAASSSEEEEE!!!!

Lasagna Fritta.

Yummy!

Also he sometimes sneaks food from Mista’s plate.

BIG fan of the breadstick zipper portal.

Always asks Bruno for breadsticks when they get home.

Wants dessert but takes one bite and can’t eat any more because he ate all the breadsticks.

Guido Mista

Also Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks

He also gets Tour of Italy.

Appetizers with Narancia.

And don’t forget the dessert!

He shares with the Pistols.

Not a fan of the breadstick zipper portal.

But the Pistols are.

He eats the rest of Narancia’s dessert.

Calls Olive Garden “The OG”.

Giorno Giovanna

Herb-Grilled Salmon

He likes the steamed broccoli too.

He doesn’t order appetizers or dessert.

Judges Abbacchio for encouraging Bruno’s zipper breadstick thing.

Also hates that the salad isn’t mixed up because he wants a healthy mix of the toppings and lettuce.

He doesn’t mind Olive Garden.

But it’s chaotic when he goes with everyone else.

“This is why I, Giorno Giovanna, have a dream to overtake the mafia and outlaw breadstick thievery.”

Trish Una

Ew.

Probably just Spaghetti and Marinara.

Picks at it the entire time.

Can’t wait to go home and eat actual quality food.

But she does get dessert to go.

Embarrassed that Mista calls it “The OG”.

Has a bad experience of a first date at Olive Garden.

Thinks Bruno is actually the most chaotic of everyone in their group.

It really shows when they go to Olive Garden.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3842

happy valentine's day!!

today was a good day.

joel and i stayed in bed for a little while, until i got up around 10am to get showered and dressed so we could go do stuff. before leaving the house, i gave joel his gift, which included a star wars card, a funko pop of ezra bridger, and some candy that'll last him anywhere from a day to a month. he was happy about it and realized that i knew all his favorites and he didn't. so i told him some things and gave him some advice on what would be a good valentines gift. for example, lego flower bouquets.

we went on an adventure to find an expansion pack for a card game joel really loves that just got discontinued, so he's looking for one at the normal price and not like $300. we went to a couple places, but after stopping at the first, we went and got breakfast at the diner close by (where our waitress's name was also molly). breakfast was really good, and i'm happy i got the scrambler.

joel made a few phone calls to ask stores if they had it in stock, and everybody said no. we then went to newbury comics to check it out, but after looking for half an hour we didn't find any. but, joel did point out a decent size display of woobles kits that were available, which i hadn't seen. i picked the little heart and joel picked the multicolor t-rex and i was very happy to receive such cute kits for my favorite holiday. very happy.

after that, we stopped back at the house to grab stuff before heading to the game store to play a new game joel had just received in the mail. we went over there and spent a few hours setting up and playing the board game version of slay the spire. it was a lot of fun! i'm glad i got to sit and play with him. i should play it sometime on my phone.

while we were there, i heard someone call my name, and i looked up and it was my friend ryan from killing around! those of you who have been here for long enough should at least remember him a little bit. he was in the a cappella group and was in my polisci program for my bachelor's program. and he did model UN, as well. we chatted for a little bit and it was nice to catch up briefly! he said he'd be reaching out to see if some of us can get together for a lunch or something sometime. i'd really like that. it was nice to see him.

but joel and i played for a few hours and eventually, i had to head out to go home. i told mom id be home around 6:30 and she said "dinner's at 6" with no question or "can you come home earlier" or "i'm about to put the lasagna in the oven" or anything. just unilateral decision making that would prove actually impossible for me to arrive on time because of when and where i was starting out. of course, she was mad earlier as well when i said i didn't know when i would be home and that i would still make dinner, but she went ahead and did it herself. and in doing so, she hurt her wrist. again. so maybe that should tell her to stop trying to push herself to do everything and rely on other people for a hot minute, even if they have their own lives to live.

regardless.

i made it home about 6:15 because i left right away. it wasn't good. but i made it there safely and wasn't pulled over or anything. even though i did get there safely i didn't want to drive like i did. i was hoping for more time so i could actually drive safely and not feel like a maniac.

jesus.

anyway.

lasagna was good. salad, breadsticks, and some martinelli's were paired with it, and after we ate we distributed the things we got for one another. my snack boxes for everyone were a big hit. everybody got stuff they love because i am very good at remembering what people like.

after dinner, we didn't actually have dessert. i think we were too scattered for it, really. but it was okay.

i went upstairs and actually talked to leo for a hot minute on the phone. he'd told me he had tea because of his dad and i wanted in, so i asked about it and he told me all about it. i told him i understand needing to keep the peace but being frustrated and appalled by shit your parent does. yeah.

but we talked for like half an hour or so, talking about that stuff, i told him about my day, and he told me to look up some youtube videos to lighten the mood. he was successful.

after wishing him a good evening, i sat with mom for a while before going to head out. but i didn't leave. instead i cleaned the kitchen. papa always is responsible for the dishes, and mama always gets upset when the kitchen isn't clean, and i wanted to do something nice for my papa so i took care of the dishes for him. and there were too many things left so i cleaned those too, and the counters, and the island, and the table, and all of that. james cleaned the cast iron pan from the other day, for which i was grateful because i didn't know how to clean it.

an hour after mom told me to leave, i actually left. i talked to leo a little bit and i stopped at dairy queen for some ice cream and a soda, and while i munched i talked to leo some more. he eventually got too sleepy to be awake, and he went sleeby.

and i needed to get rid of the trash in my car, so i went to go to a gas station to get rid of it. but i was followed briefly by a truck that was pretty close to me and went into the parking lot and pulled up to the building like i did. i was terrified. then the guy got out of his truck, and i saw there was a woman sitting in the front seat, but i didn't leave my car to toss stuff until after he had gone into the store, and i went as quickly as possible.

and then on the way back to joel's, i was followed by ANOTHER truck on a few turns and i was anxious again, but when i took a right he went straight and i breathed a sigh of relief. i made it back to the house and i stayed in the car for a little while because i was warm inside and it was cold outside. eventually i folded and came inside, grateful to not be in the cold again.

made my way downstairs and into a sweater for sleeping and into bed and it was fucking COLD. shortly after i arrived, joel got home from magic, and now we're in bed and it's past 1am and im sleepy.

time for sleeping.

[bigbucksbailey]

Fanfic: Benny Bread Stick x reader (y/n)

CW: weird, butchered Italian, semi-naked men, potty language, I’ve written worse.

Summary: After a recent breakup you head to Olive Garden to drown your sorrows in some authentic Italian cuisine; only to find that the food WAS in fact made with love.

Chapter 1: Bready, Set, GO!

“Table for one please,” I say sadly to the hostess at the front of the Olive Garden. Today has been the worst. Day. EVER!!

First, I got broken up with by my boyfriend because of some stupid misunderstanding. Second, I get FIRED from my job because I said that the third Alvin and the chipmunks is better than the second.

And THIRD, I’m now eating at probably the worst food establishment in the area, a crummy Olive Garden in the back lot of a Lowe’s store.

The hostess looks me up and down before grabbing a menu, her eyes sharp as they silently judge me. “Follow me…” she says hesitantly, like I’m disgusting for even stepping foot in this restaurant. She’s kind of right, though. Right now I'm dressed in a white blouse and coffee stained khakis– far too overdressed for Olive Garden.

I follow the hostess to a back booth, my head on a swivel as I try to find at least one other diner in the restaurant.

“It’s pretty slow today,” the hostess says like she somehow read my mind, setting my menu down on the table, “You’re also the only one here because it’s 11 at night.”

I look up at the italian clock on the wall (???), was it really that late? I’m now 2x as embarrassed to be here.

“Sorry,” I mumble, taking a seat at the booth, “Can I just have some wine? The purple one…….. (idk alcohol)”

“Ya,” the hostess says, “your waiter will be right back with that.” and then she kinda walked away.

That was fine though, I was now alone with my thoughts, my menu, and– a kids menu??? The hostess snuck a KIDS menu into my own?!?

I would have been OUTRAGED if it weren't for the fact I was too tired to argue, instead I hesitantly opened the paper menu, my eyes scanning the white, uncolored pages and the cute pictures littering the booklet. Actually, this was kinda awesome.

“Heres your goober berry sundae,” the waiter said as he set a glass of white and purple wine on the table, placing the bottle next to it, “Do you know what you want 2 order?”

“Ya,” I say, before realizing no I dont “I mean nah”

“Ok”

And Im left alone again. Boy golly this is boring, until an incredibly HOT, SWEATY, MUSCULAR, HALF NAKED (??? does this happen at olive garden) WAITRE strides his sexy hips past me, swinging his fine ass around. I QUICKLY crawl ontop of the table, situating myself to look absolutely irresistible.

“Yoohoo~” I call cutely, waving at the waiter.

The waiter turns around with a bewildered expression, shielding his naked nips from me.

“Sorry, Im kind of indecent rn.”

“Thats cool…” I say back

He flushes like a strawberry and giggles, “I’ll be back!!” before running away on his tippy toes. That was probably the worst thing I've ever seen.

“I gotta get out of here!!” I say quietly, looking around frantically before spotting the SALAD BAR. Of COURSE! I can hide in there!

I book it to the salad bar and do a perfect back spring hand um I jump back there and duck down behind the breadstick bowl–oh hey! Breadsticks!

I wiggle my fingers above the last breadstick like a little menace, “dont mind if I do,” I say with an evil chuckle, that is, until the half naked WAITER COMES BACK!!

I duck down, peaking over the salad bar as the waiter goes to my booth with a handful of dried spaghetti with meatball flowers, its kind of poetic and beautiful, but I cant let myself be whisked away by the shirtless Olive Garden employee. I havent hit rock bottom just yet.

I hear him let out a loud cry before falling to his knees in agony, the other employees rushing over to comfort the half naked man. I gulp, oh gee they were going to try and find me now!

“I was by the door! Theres no way that customer escaped!” the hoestles yells. son of a bitch.

“Lets split up and look for clues” some blonde kif with brown roots and vans on says, oh god im toast!

I remain behind the salad bar, among the discarded lettuce and tomatoes on the floor. Its going to be a long night. My stomach gurgles hungerly and I think back to the juicy, moist, buttery breadstick sitting on top of the salad bar.

God it’ll be worth it to get that thing in my mouth.

I lift my hand and fumble around looking for the breadstick, before my hand touches the wet bread and I kind of moan (but quietly).

“Come to (unspecified parent)” I giggle, lowering the breadstick to my mouth and placing it between my teeth before an “aiiiiiEEEEE!” erupts from the BREADSTICK?!?

“What the?!?” I whisper yell, pulling the breadstick away from my mouth to reveal a beautiful, slender, italian breadstick. His eyes a dark, brown, glowing prettiliy in the salad bar light, and his mustache curled just perfectly at the ends.

It was the most beautiful breadstick ive ever seen.

“S-s-s” I try to say sorry, but the words wouldnt come out, it was hard to think seeing the buttered breadstick covered in a string of my saliva.

“Whatsa the problem?!” He says, wriggling in my hands, “Distrubina my beauty sleep!”

“I’m..” I gulp, was it normal to be so hung up on a breadstick? “I’m sorry, sir…”

The breaststick grins, finally removing itself from my grip and landing on the floor, he hoists himself up and hops around like larry the cucumber from veggietales.

“Mio Tesoro, whata reason do you have behind the salad bar at this hour?” he freezes, eyeing me suspiciously, “Are you a thief?!”

“No! No no…not a thief…”

The breadsticks eyebrows furrow in worry, he hops closer to me, leaving a trail of bread behind him, “It takes an awful mood to be behind here then. Mio pomodoro, tella Bene whats wrong..”

I slump down, my eyes welling up with tears. “I lost my job, and my boyfriend, and now im behind a salad bar at fucking olive garden talking to a sexy breadshit.”

Bene Breadstick freezes at this, his face blushing tomato red at my words, “s-sexy? A me?”

I blush too, my eyes raking over bene breadstick once more. He really was gorgeous in this lighting, coated in a layer of butter and salt, perfectly cooked to give him a slender, crunch to him. My eyes pause at his slightly burnt stump, god I wished he was in my mouth right now.

“Y-yes…” I say, flushing more, “You…you are sexy….”

Bene giggles, hopping onto my lap, “Yes? You think so, mio pomodoro?”

He begins to do a weird shimmy on my lap, I think hes trying to be sexier, but its honestly disturbing. I pick bene up gently, raising him to my face.

“I think youre a lot of things, Bene. Youre beautiful, smart, awesome, and…and I think I’ve fallen for you…” I cant believe what im saying.

Bene grins impossibly bigger, bringing his breadstick face close to mine, “show me you love me, mio pomodoro.”

I nod furiously and lean in, pressing my lips to his own buttery ones. He tastes like salt and butter, leaving my lips coated in a layer of his natural oils. I pull back from the short kiss, licking my lips and moaning at the taste.

Bene smirks, his mustache twitching, “Do you like the taste, Mio Tesoro? You tasted just as-a well.”

I nod helplessly, longing for the touch of another after the brutal breakup with my boyfriend.

Like 4 part 2

[voirs-fortunes]

I promise it's no trouble, Sepia! I was only concerned about allergies or other restrictions like that. Here, I'm sending you a Pelipper Mail.

Pelipper Mail: Spaghetti dinner! Pasta, breadsticks, salad, and a box of Cannoli. There's a half-gallon of lemonade too.

Here you go! You should all have plenty to fill your bellies.

oh thank you thank you this looks really good voir flare come look what we got for dinner

[topgunfan1]

Icequeen chapter 3

Birthday Fun part 2

"M-Makes sense." I said getting unbuckled and got out of the car as Tom unlocked the door and walked over to the bathroom jumping into the shower first so Sarah and I went to our rooms and got out the clothes we wanted to wear to dinner and Sarah pulled out an outfit for Tom then Tom got out of the shower wrapping a towel around himself then walked into the master bedroom and closed the door getting dressed as Sarah went and got a quick shower herself as I waited then Sarah got out wrapping a towel around herself joining Tom in the bedroom getting dressed as I got a quick shower myself then got out wrapping a towel around myself then went and got dressed in a light pink dress and some pink flats with flowers on it then left the room meeting up yet again with Tom and Sarah.

Tom smiled. "Well you look nice birthday girl." Tom said.

I blushed. "Th-thank y-you Dad." I said.

Sarah nodded. "Yeah you look very nice so are you ready for dinner?" Sarah asked me.

"I-I-I am." I said.

Tom nodded as we all left the house yet again and got into the car yet again and got buckled up again as Tom drove us to Olive Garden then parked the car turning off the engine as we got out of the car as I looked around as we walked to the door when the door suddenly opened from the inside.

"Well I was wondering when you three would show up and Samantha happy birthday kid." Mav said kneeling down hugging me.

"U-U-Uncle Mav I didn't know you would b-b-be here!" I exclaimed hugging him back as Tom and Sarah smiled.

"Yeah well we wanted to surprise you birthday girl." Carole said walking up to us as Bradley followed.

"W-W-Well consider m-me surprised A-Aunt Carole." I said letting go of Maverick and proceeded to hug Carole who knelt down hugging me back.

"Yeah hi Sam happy birthday!" Bradley exclaimed as I let go of Carole and proceeded to hug Bradley who hugged me back.

"N-Now we can really c-c-celebrate!" I exclaimed as Bradley let go as we all walked inside as a server brought us to a table for six as we all sat down as the waiter placed the menus on the table then left us.

"So what all have you been up to today?" Maverick asked us as we looked over the menus.

"Well we went flying th-th-then we went to the b-b-beach and spent some time there a-a-and now we're here b-b-but I'm s-suprised to see you here." I said.

Carole nodded. "Yeah Maverick here told me how he helped Ice to plan the flight surprise and we all planned to surprise you by meeting up for dinner then going back to your house for cake, ice cream, and gifts." Carole said.

I nodded as the waiter came and all of us ordered some sweet tea then the waiter left and we continued looking over the menu.

"So Ice you ready for our next deployment?" Maverick asked Tom.

Tom nodded. "Yeah I am although this time feels different because now I'm not just leaving Sarah but I'm leaving my daughter now too." Tom said.

Mav nodded. "Yeah I know that feeling Ice." Mav said.

"W-W-Well enough s-sad talk it's supposed to be a-a-a celebration." I said.

Bradley nodded as the waiter returned with our drinks then took our food order as we all ordered chicken alfredo then the waiter left again and Bradley and I started playing.

"So Carole how have you been it's been a little while since we've talked." Sarah said.

"I'm good Sarah and don't forget you and Samantha can always come over and stay with Bradley and I while our boys are away." Carole said.

Sarah nodded. "Oh I will don't worry Carole." Sarah said.

Maverick nodded. "Yeah it's crazy how we went from being enemies sort of to honorary family." Maverick said.

"Yeah." Tom said as Bradley and I stopped playing as the waiter came back with our orders of chicken alfredo, a big bowl of salad, and breadsticks so we all started eating.

"Say Uncle Tom can we stay the night at your house?" Bradley asked Tom as he continued eating.

"Yeah sure thing it's going to be a bit of a late night anyway." Tom said as he continued eating as well.

Mav smiled gratefully. "Thanks Ice." Maverick said eating himself.

Tom nodded as we all eventually finished eating and drinking half of our teas then the waiters that were serving that night came over and started singing happy birthday as they placed a slice of chocolate cake on the table and the six of us all had a taste then we finished drinking as the waiter came back with the check which Mav paid for then we left and Mav, Carole, and Bradley got into their car as Tom, Sarah, and I got into ours then we all drove back to our house and we all parked and got out as Tom unlocked the door and walked inside as Sarah and I followed him as Maverick, Carole, and Bradley followed us with Maverick and Bradley carrying the gifts inside and Carole brought in some balloons as Sarah lit the birthday cake she made for me and Tom got out some ice cream and they carried them to the dining room where I was sitting with Maverick, Carole and Bradley as the five of them started singing happy birthday and I closed my eyes and blew out the candles making a wish then opened them.

Tom smiled as he started cutting the cake then served it up with a scoop of ice cream then we ate it quickly finishing the cake and ice cream.

Maverick smiled. "So you ready for your gifts birthday girl?" Maverick asked me ruffling my hair.

I grinned and nodded giggling a little bit as Carole smiled and picked up one of the presents handing it to me. "Here this one is from me." Carole said.

I took the present and opened it after Tom and Sarah sat down then pulled out a new dress, a pair of sandals, and some bracelets and a pretty necklace then hugged Carole. "Th-These are all so pr-pr-pretty thank you A-Aunt Carole." I said.

Carole smiled hugging me back. "I'm glad you like it Samantha I just saw the dress and thought it would make your eyes stand out more." Carole said

Maverick then picked up a gift then handed it to me. "Here this one's from me I hope you like it." Maverick said rubbing the back of his neck nervously as I opened the gift pulling out a shirt, a pair of jeans, a pair of sneakers, and a cool looking fighter jet bracelet as I grinned and hugged him. "U-U-Uncle Mav this stuff is awesome!" I exclaimed.

Maverick grinned hugging me back as Bradley grabbed a gift bag handing it to me. "Well here you go Samantha I hope you like it." Bradley said as I let go of Maverick and started removing the tissue paper and pulled out a new pair of shorts, another shirt, a new stuffed animal, a fighter pilot doll, and a fighter jet toy figurine then hugged Bradley. "Th-thanks Br-Br-Bradley I-I love it!" I exclaimed.

Bradley hugged me back as Tom got a gift box handing it to me. "Here you go kiddo this one is from me." Tom said as I took the box and opened it pulling out another shirt, a skirt, a new pair of flip flops, and a fighter jet necklace then I hugged him. "Dad I-I-I love it thank you." I said.

Tom hugged me back as Sarah grabbed a gift handing it to me. "Here you go." Sarah said as I took the box and opened it pulling out another dress, another pair of sandals, a stuffed doll, and a stuffed animal so I hugged Sarah. "Thanks Mom." I said.

Carole grabbed another gift bag handing it to me. "So this one is a gift from Maverick, Bradley and I." Carole said as I looked inside and removed the tissue paper again then pulled out a couple of stuffed animals, a couple coloring books, a couple of sketch books and a pack of colored pencils, a pack of crayons, a pack of markers, and a pack of colored pens so I hugged all three of them. "Th-Th-Thanks so much!" I exclaimed.

The three of them hugged me back again as Sarah grabbed one last gift bag handing it to me. "And this is a gift from your Dad and I." Sarah said as I removed the tissue paper one final time and pulled out a navy teddy bear, another doll, a small dollhouse, and a new backpack so I grinned and hugged them. "I-I-I love it b-b-but what's with the bear?" I asked Sarah as I yawned a little.

"Well it was Bradley's idea kind of it's for when you miss Tom you can just hug the bear to cheer you up until he comes home again it just seems to make the separation a little more bearable." Sarah said as Bradley nodded yawning as well.

"Yeah I have one too." Bradley said.

Mav nodded as well yawning himself. "So what's the arrangement Ice?" Maverick asked Tom.

"I figured Bradley and you could sleep on the couch Mav it converts to a bed and Carole could sleep in the guest room." Tom said before yawning as well.

Mav nodded then said goodnight as we all went to our rooms for the night and Mav got the couch bed set up for himself and Bradley then we all laid down and fell asleep.

[lil-ms-dipst]

Basically just venting and me being super angry and stuff so read at your own discretion I just need to scream into the void:

I fucking HATE my job so much. It used to be tolerable, free food. Sure, I only got paid 8 an hour, but I like my co-workers, and free breadsticks!

But now its unbearable to be there. Its averaging 81-91 F (around 30-31 C I think? Not pulling out the calculator for that), so its hot as all hell outside, not to mention the humidity, which makes it so hard to breathe. And of course, my workplace doesnt have a fully functioning AC/Ventilation system. I brought it up with a manager and he said "oh well yea we have one" well it don't fucking work when I can literally feel the sweat ooze from my pores. I struggle to breathe due to the high humidity, which is only increased in the workplace because of all the liquids I imagine. I have to literally sit in the freezer for minutes at a time. It's like playing ping pong between freezing my ass off and suffocating in heat. Fuck.

And thats just the WEATHER! Even on a good day I have gripes. For one, nobody else that does closing shift fucking does Anything right. A couple weeks ago I cleaned the bane (where toppings and such go for easy access), and I didnt fully do it right. A manager even commented on it a couple days later. Keep in mind the bane is supposed to be cleaned daily, or even every other day if we're not messy. I cleaned the bane again Monday night, and it was JUST how I left it. But more dirty, of course. There was a literal puddle at the bottom of I don't even know, cheese sweat mixed with condensation?? So nobody properly fucking closes.

And then my managers are so fucking incompetent at keeping this place manageable. Besides the apparent lack of AC/ventilation, theres a constant leak or someshit under the prep table (where we store extra toppings and such), so water leaks out almost every night. I literally almost slipped and fell today from it. It also makes it harder to clean, try sweeping a wet floor. And also one of the freezers has had a broken light for literally MONTHS. Since March at the very least. So there's no light in the freezer. Sure it's not a necessity, but it'd sure as shit save time when we don't have to either A. Prop the door open so the light seeps through, or B. Turn on the flashlight on our phones. Just change the fucking lightbulb or whatever dude it shouldn't even be that hard! If you had to order a special replacement it should've been here by now.

Oh and did I mention the leaking from the ceiling? Water drips right above the fucking salad box containers and around there. So around where the managers hang out is soaking wet, and the dripping has been happening for so long its causing ceiling damage! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not to mention I swear nobody here actually fucking cleans. It smells awful in the freezer full of dough and I cannot pin down why. Plus nobody ever wipes down the doors, I think there's mold starting to grow on them? Oh, and speaking of mold, guess what's growing in the air vents in the kitchen! And nobody cleans the oven too from what I can tell. I look in there and it's covered in burnt pizza particles. We've had the health inspector come by before, I don't understand how we haven't been shut down yet. All we get told is we can't have a chair in the back (which I think is stupid, my knees start to feel locked up if I stand up for too long), and to keep our hair up. Our main higher up manager never fuckin does anything, you can find him asleep in his car out back! It's so annoying to know there's shit broken or dirty and you don't know how or if you're even allowed to fix shit. The fastest time something was replaced/fixed was when the microwave for managers to warm up garlic butter and whatnot was broken. OH speaking of broken shit did I mention the bane door/lid? That's broken too, one of the little stick out pines is gone. Makes opening and closing the lid very frustrating.

I plan on applying at the general store nearby soon if they're looking to hire. I'd prefer not to do cashier but I'd prefer that than the horrific fucking working conditions I'm in right now.

Uh anyway if you read through all this yay good job have this picture.

[allthingsfangirl101]

Someone Before Me–Joe Keery

Joe and I moved to LA shortly after graduation. He came to become an actor while I came to become a famous artist. He was fulfilling his dream. He loved his job and loved where he was.

I wish I could say the same. I wasn't famous. I wasn't fulfilling my dream. And I didn't love where I was.

I was working on my feet all day as a hostess at the nearby Olive Garden. I do get to take home an entire salad and a dozen breadsticks at the end of the night.

I walked into my apartment, every muscle in my body aching. I kicked off my shoes, tossed my keys into the bowl, and hung up my jacket and purse. I sat down on the couch, trying to sigh my day off.

I groaned, turning into a whimper as my phone started ringing. Unfortunately, it was still in my purse. I forced myself to stand up and answer my phone.

"Hello?"

"You sound tired," Joe laughed.

"Because I've been on my feet for six hours," I sighed as I walked back to my couch and collapsed onto it.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "Are you too tired for movie night?"

"Never," I instantly perked up. "I can order pizza. Are you done with filming?"

"I will be by the time the pizza gets to your place."

"Are you okay?" I asked when I noticed the tone of his voice change.

"I'm fine."

"Joe," I cut him off, "what's going on? You sound weird. Is everything okay at work?"

"It's fine," he tried to convince me again.

"Joe?"

"Fine," he sighed, giving in. "For some reason, I seem to be struggling this season. Not with my acting. Just with. . . everything else."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," he sighed, his frustration coming through the phone. "I'm tired a lot more. And sometimes. . . I struggle to get out of bed."

"Do you think you could be depressed?" I asked cautiously. "I don't want to be overstepping my bounds, but you're my best friend and I worry about you, Joe. I know how it feels."

"What do you mean?" He asked my earlier question but with a little more panic.

"When we first moved here, art school got really overwhelming," I sighed. "I got scared. I was on my own and you were busy so I didn't want to bother you."

"You should've," he said so softly I almost missed it.

"I was about to, but then you got that call from your manager."

"What call?"

"The one where he told you that you had landed the role of Steve Harrington," I explained.

"Oh," he whispered. "I didn't mean to make you feel like you couldn't tell me you were struggling."

"You didn't," I said quickly. "I could've still told you, but I didn't want to ruin your excitement."

"I'm sorry, Y/N."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty," I sighed. "I wanted to make sure you knew that I understand what you're going through. I want to help you."

"I appreciate that," Joe said, his voice finally lightening up. "I'll be over in about twenty minutes, okay? Want me to pick anything up on my way?"

"I'll handle the pizza," I smiled. "You grab some treats."

                                * * * * *

Joe and I spent the rest of the night binge-watching our favorite TV show. The entire time he was over, he was acting a little strange. He kept glancing at me, chewing his bottom lip. He only ever did that when he had something on his mind. I paused our show and turned toward him.

"What?" He laughed.

"You tell me," I said simply. "You haven't been yourself since you came over. I know that you've been struggling with work, but I feel like something else is bothering you. Something heavier."

"I guess you're not wrong," he mumbled looking at his hands instead of me.

"What's going on?" I asked gently. I reached over and grabbed his hand.

"Sometimes," he started to explain as he looked up at me, "I look at you and I can't understand how someone before me didn't see what I see. Sometimes I look at you, and I can't understand how someone before me didn't notice how beautiful you are. Sometimes I look at you and I feel lucky that someone before me didn't notice because if they had seen what I've always seen within you, then I wouldn't have been able to have a chance to love you the way I do."

"Wait," I stuttered, my voice getting caught in my throat. "I don't. . . I don't understand, Joe. You're. . . What?"

"I'm in love with you, Y/N," Joe smiled. "That's what. I've been in love with you since middle school."

"Middle school?"

"Since Ryan Anderson asked me if he could ask you out and I punched him in the middle of PE."

"Wait," I smiled, "is that why you got suspended for three days a week into eighth grade?"

"Yeah," he shrugged, his face slightly turning pink.

"I think that's adorable," I whispered.

"That I got into a fight?"

"That you got into a fight over your protectiveness for me," I said like it should've been obvious.

"Over my love for you," he corrected. That's when I realized we both have been leaning closer.

"Oh, right," I smirked. "That."

I don't know who initiated it. All I knew was his lips were pressed to mine. Joe reached up and cupped my cheek in one hand while his other gently rested on my knee. He deepened the kiss, proving his confession. I leaned fully into the kiss, neither one of us holding back.

I giggled when he pulled me over so I was straddling his hips. I broke the kiss to see him still smiling at me.

"I don't understand what has gotten into you," I whispered as I looked up at him, "but I'm not going to question it."

"It's simple," he shrugged. "I've been in love with you for so long. I can't believe I finally get to call you mine."

I bit my lip to stop the moan that almost slipped. "Call me," I whispered.

"What?"

"Call me yours."

He smirked as he closed the gap between us, pushing his hands on my back to press my body against his. He slightly rubbed our noses together as different parts of his body rubbed against mine.

"You are all mine, gorgeous," he whispered sending a chill down my spine.

I moaned as I grabbed his face and pulled his lips down to mine. We got lost in the kiss as we showed each other how much we loved each other. I broke the kiss long enough to get a few final words in before we officially crossed the line between friendship and something more.

"I don't want to be anyone else's."

[blueicequeen19]

Ignorance is Bliss Pt. 3

Warnings: angst, arguing, attempted assault, mentions of sex work, gaslighting

Tyler and I stand in silence on the deck, watching the girls play with Blue until they eventually change to swim. I keep looking over at JJ’s back deck, expecting to see him waiting for me with a warm smile but he never appears. I’ve probably lost him forever but my girls came first.

Tyler clears his throat and I blink at him, waiting for the shoe to drop.

“We’re hungry. Go fix something and we’ll talk.” I open my mouth to remind him who’s house this is but a quick raise of his brows reminds me what happens when I fight him. I take another glance at the girls before going inside. I cook the two steaks I had marinating for JJ and I along with salads, fruit, and breadsticks. I call everyone in for dinner, catching Blue by her blue collar before she can come in.

“I’ll be right back girls. I need to take her home.” I call over my shoulder but Tyler fixes me with a glare from the kitchen island.

“That’s not your dog?” Tyler bites out and I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“She’s his.” I say calmly and his eyes narrow at me. “He’s my neighbor.” I add and Tyler slams the beer down he just opened, causing all of us to flinch and Blue tries to jerk free of my grasp.

I duck out and Blue quickly follows me over to JJ’s deck. I pull the screen door open to sneak her inside when a large hand grabs the front of my dress and yanks me inside, startling me. I’m suddenly pinned against the door and JJ glares at me. The heat in his blue eyes looks like he wants to yell while fucking me then eat me alive.

“JJ, I can’t do this right now. I was just bringing Blue back over.” I insist, pushing at his bare chest but he captures my lips in a desperate kiss. I kiss him back hard, gripping the back of his neck as I find myself so thankful he hasn’t shut me out yet.

I feel myself melting in his arms but I can still feel how angry he is. His whole body is tense. He must have so many questions.

“You lied to me.” JJ growls and I shake my head, at a loss for words.

“You weren’t honest with me.” I feel my body tremble against his. I wanted to be honest.

“You have a whole other life. I can’t wrap my head around this.”

“JJ, please, just let me figure out what he’s doing here and I’ll explain everything.”

“You’re not leaving, right? Please don’t leave.” His plea gives me hope and I kiss him quickly, resting our foreheads together for a moment.

“I’m not leaving. I love you.” I kiss him again before rushing back over to my house. Tyler is eating in silence while the girls chat happily back and forth. I sit down across from Tyler, directing my attention to the girls as I start cutting my steak.

“Mommy, who’s your friend?” Raylee asks, the oldest of the two. They were identical twins but they couldn’t be more different. Ray was outspoken. A leader. Not afraid of anything. I liked to think she got that from her dad. Whereas Emma was quiet and reserved like me. She’d rather read a book and Raylee would rather play sports. I didn’t care that they were so different as long as they loved each other.

“Yea, Mommy, who’s your friend? Is he a work friend?” Tyler asks, taking a bite of his steak in a mocking tone.

“No he’s not a work friend. He’s my neighbor. His name is JJ.” I say softly, glaring back at Tyler.

“He looked like a work friend. Were you working when I came in?” Tyler demands.

“Where are you working, Mommy?” Ray asks and I smile at her.

“Mommy is not working. Mommy is taking a break and enjoying the beach.” Raylee smiles back before taking another bite of her food. I look back to Tyler.

“Why are you here? Not that I’m not thrilled to finally see the girls but why all of a sudden?” I ask and Tyler takes a long drink of his beer before answering.

“I thought it was time their mother was more involved. I’m happy to give you the summer with them before they go back to school.” It wasn’t that I wasn’t involved, it was the fact that Tyler didn’t agree with my line of work and kept my children from me as punishment. But he let me pay off his house and cars and the massive medical debt we got from having the girls. The amount of money I brought in bruised is ego.

I was part of an elite escort service that paid more than Id ever thought possible. First it was to put myself through school, then I was buying brand news cars of the lot, flying first class to be the arm candy for government officials, and so on. Tyler had major issues with it when we met until I paid off all his debt. Then I got pregnant with twins with no medical insurance. I was able to pay off 300k by the time the girls were eight weeks old. I quit working but it wasn’t enough for Tyler. He couldn’t stand marrying someone in sex work so he labeled me a whore and a cheater, then taking my children from me. Tyler was a cop with connections so it was easy to get full custody so I let him have everything although I paid for it. I paid ungodly amounts in child support to keep him happy and I was only allowed to see the girls on holidays and birthdays. They were eight now.

I quit my line of work now that I had more money that I could ever spend, put enough back in a college fund so both girls would be taken care of, and bought myself a tiny beach house. I wanted to fight for my girls but I didn’t expect Tyler to show up unannounced. I wasn’t even sure how he knew where I was. If I knew anything about Tyler is that nothing came without a price. So if he was here willingly, then he needed something.

“They can stay here as long as they need.” I finally say and Tyler nods, finishing his food while I’ve barely touched mine. I forgot how nauseous it made me to try and eat in front of him. He was always one to make comments about my weight even when I was pregnant.

“Mommy, I’m done. Can I be excused?” Raylee asks, her plate half empty.

“Me too, Mommy.” Emma adds. Tyler turns before I can answer.

“Neither of you have even touched your food.” They both duck their heads, obviously knowing better than to argue with him. It made every nerve in my body stand on edge.

“Tyler, you can’t make them finish their plates if they’re full.” I say calmly and he glares at me before scoffing.

“Fine, waste the food. What do I care?” The girls don’t move, looking to me for their next step.

“I’ll clean up. You can go watch tv in my room upstairs.” They return happy smiles before darting up the steps, leaving me with the ticking time bomb. I gather up the plates, scrape them in the trash, and load the dish washer while waiting for Tyler’s rant. He’s into his third beer and I’m wondering where he plans on staying tonight. I turn to find him leaned up against the island directly behind me, watching me.

“You look good, Lily.” Tyler chews his bottom lip as he looks at me in a way that makes my skin crawl.

“Go home, Tyler. Or wherever it is you’re staying.” I scoff.

“Is that how it’s going to be?” Tyler draws, scowling at me like I’ve insulted him. I glare back at him and he shakes his head. “How much?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. How much for a fuck? I’m sure you charged Blondie. How much for me?” I try to run but he catches my arm, pinning me against the counter.

“You can’t afford me. And I fucked Blondie for free.” I spat, slapping him across the face and he growls. I know I’m done for when he spins me around and forces me to bend over the counter but suddenly we hear footsteps on the stairs and Tyler yanks away from me, going back over to the table. My heart is racing in my chest as Emma runs over and wraps her arms around me, squeezing me tight.

“Mommy, can Blue stay the night?” Emma gives me her best puppy dog eyes and I smile, cupping her cheeks.

“Yes. Your father was just leaving.”