#SL99 rants

[spectrumlife99]

Talking is SUCH A HASSLE...

I’ve gotta say, not talking much for the past two days has really been nice...talking drains me of energy and is often anxiety-inducing to the point where I just CAN’T get any words out and considering the fact that I’m FORCED to talk just because I can (seriously I’m forced to even say things that could easily be conveyed with simple gestures, like ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘I don’t know’), even though writing is a much easier and more effective way for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings in the first place, finally just being able to stay quiet for once has kept me calmer than I’ve been in a long time, especially since I’ve been going through a lot lately.  I’m one of those people who doesn’t like talking much, and I have episodes where I lose the ability to talk VERY often, usually if I’m tired, stressed, anxious, in meltdown or shutdown, etc.  I went through a phase in elementary school where I stopped talking altogether for a while because of bullies, even though I used to be KNOWN for being the ‘weird copycat kid of few words’ in the first place, and I have social anxiety so bad my words lock up when I’m in public by myself or whenever I’m on the phone with anyone else besides my grandma...I only have a select few people that I’m comfortable actually talking to, and they are my grandparents and my immediate family, I can actually talk to them without much of a hassle (ESPECIALLY if it’s about my special interest in Pokemon), except if I’m stressed, tired, or in meltdown or shutdown.  I’ve even become so distant from my friend group that I’m afraid to get back in touch with them even if I can somehow manage to resolve the conflict between us...which makes me freeze up just thinking about it.  I’ve completely isolated myself at this point and won’t say anything to any of my friends...because I just CAN’T without my words locking up which gets me nowhere.  I don’t know WHY talking is such a hassle, I don’t know WHY it’s so much easier to just write instead, I don’t know WHY I lose my ability to talk so often at seemingly such small things, I don’t know WHY I can only talk to my grandma on the phone but no one else, I don’t know WHY I freeze up in public when I’m by myself, I don’t know WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME AND MY STUPID VOICE THAT ALWAYS BETRAYS ME!!!  

....even though I don’t like talking and prefer writing instead, it still gets frustrating when I can’t get any words out...it’s like a double-edged sword...and a battle I can’t seem to ever win...

Anyone ever feel the same way...?  If so how do you deal with it...?  Because I’m seriously stressing over this right now...       

[spectrumlife99]

Quick PSA: “Basement dweller” is not okay!

Okay, so, around the internet, I see the term “basement dweller” thrown around a lot as a derogatory term for people who still live with their parents as an adult...and I don’t like it.  You don’t know exactly WHY someone still lives with their parents (unless they straight up tell you of course), and assuming that they’re a lazy manchild (which many people who use this term do) is not okay...some people actually CANNOT live on their own for various reasons, you know.  Many autistic people (including myself) can’t live on their own because of the disability, and when I see “basement dweller” thrown around at them, it makes my blood boil.  They can’t help it, they wouldn’t even be able to survive on their own...and they don’t deserve to be picked on for it!  

What I’m trying to say here is, you don’t know the situation and why they’re still with their parents, so PLEASE STOP ASSUMING THINGS!  It’s NOT okay and it can really be hurtful! 

[spectrumlife99]

Had meltdown Tuesday night lost control of myself was breaking things and hurt my mom because swing broke and upset upset upset because need swing to help stay calm while having bad mental state always lately and swing is broken now so lost it and didn't mean to hurt mom I hate hate HATE losing it it's still bothering me and can't get it out of head still upset I did that and STILL apologizing to mom because ended up hurting her because bigger stronger than her and didn't mean it NEVER mean it I just lose control and NOTHING I can do because can't feel it coming on or anything just takes over me I hate hate hate meltdowns they're bad problems bad problems BAD PROBLEMS can't get over it still feel awful and still hurts because HURT MY MOM but I never never NEVER mean it but don't know if she knows that but I love my mom so so SO much she still taking care of me since can't live on my own wouldn't be able to survive but upset over hurting her can't get out of my mind meltdowns are the worst worst WORST hate them hate them HATE THEM!!!!

[spectrumlife99]

So mad right now can't even calm down so tired so DONE everyone thinks they know me better than I do myself and tell me I can do much stuff and tell me I don't give enough credit and can do all the things I say I can't but it's OVERESTIMATING ME and overestimation is killing me mentally I can't even and I KNOW myself I KNOW what's possible and not possible and they DON’T and I'm so mad mad mad upset upset upset and don't know how to tell them and make them get it they're treating me like child and putting way to much pressure on me all at once can't stand it I wish they understood its so painful they dismiss my issues and struggles and it hurts and being put on pedestal hurts and can't stand it can't stand it CAN'T STAND IT its damaging and they say I'm so 'high-functioning' and I hate that hate it HATE IT it dismisses my VERY REAL issues like can't live on my own can't get a job can't even THINK about jobs without having meltdown because so stressful so triggering EVERYTHING about it is too much and can't do it can't do it CAN'T DO IT wish I knew how to make them understand I DO know myself BETTER than they THINK they do but they don't get it I don't know how to make them get it and I can't stand it can't stand it CAN’T STAND IT!!!!!

[spectrumlife99]

Why do people keep saying this?!?!?!

Okay, so I’ve seen and heard people say this a LOT throughout my life: “AuTiStIc PeOpLe HaVe No ImAgInAtIoN!  If YoU’rE cReAtIvE yOu CaN’t Be AuTiStIc!”  Seriously people?  I like to IMAGINE (ha, see what I did there?) that people who say autistic people have no imagination have only met one autistic person in their whole life and that one person had this struggle...because this couldn’t be farther from the truth.  While I am definitely aware that yes, some autistic people do indeed experience that, I myself and many others (that I personally know IRL) are extremely creative and imaginative.  In fact, if I didn’t have my creativity, I wouldn’t be able to express myself AT ALL!  It’s just like the saying goes: “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met ONE autistic person.”  Everyone’s experiences with autism are completely different.  It’s a spectrum for a reason...sorry in advance if this sounds rude (because I am unable to identify my tone), I didn’t intend it to be, I’m just tired of hearing this stereotype all the time.

[spectrumlife99]

I HATE thunderstorms!!!!! (and PTSD)

Today’s gonna be a day full of thunderstorms according to the forecast and there’s already been a couple rounds of storms...I’m absolutely terrified!!!  Thunder and lightning physically hurt my ears and eyes respectively, and whenever there’s a thunderstorm, I always end up having a panic attack!!!  It’s even worse on days like today where I have to leave my house and go to appointments and stuff...I used to be told at school and stuff that being scared of thunderstorms is really childish and I should grow out of it already, but I can’t and it hurts because those words have made me really self-conscious about myself and my fear of both thunder AND lightning...  Lightning is dangerous though, and super bright that it hurts my eyes, and thunder is so loud that it hurts my ears!  I can’t help it that thunderstorms are a sensory nightmare!!!  

I also have PTSD and therefore I’m the most hypersensitive to these things than I’ve ever been before, and all the trauma I’ve been through throughout my schooling, from kids and teachers alike, has really destroyed me, and having all my traumatic experiences and fears and phobias completely INVALIDATED for YEARS ON END, has left psychological wounds that are too deep, scars that I have NO clue if they’ll ever heal...it’s been years and every time I start making progress, I suddenly regress back to square one!  Every. Single. TIME!!!  

I’m trying to fight it as much as I can and I’m going through so much therapy that I have three different types of therapy appointments every single week, and I’m most likely starting another one soon.  I’m determined though, to fight this with all my might and overcome it, I’m not gonna stop until I can finally heal and be free from the lifetime of trauma I’ve had so far!  I’m NEVER giving up!  I’m gonna keep fighting my demons until I come out on top and win!  I’ve always been told that my willpower is amazing and that I can do anything I set my mind to, and I’m gonna use that willpower to power through all of this!  I CAN and WILL do this, and I’m gonna come back from it stronger than ever!

To anyone else who has experienced trauma and/or has PTSD:  I see you, and I feel you.  It may seem hopeless but don’t give up!  Keep fighting!  It’ll be a long hard journey to recovery, but you can do it!  I believe in you!  You’re not alone in this, and I hope it makes you feel at least a little bit better knowing that fact...I know I always feel a bit comforted learning that I’m not the only one going through these things, it makes me feel validated.  Don’t give up, hang in there, it gets worse before it gets better, but it will get better, I just know it will!

If you read this far, thank you for reading all the way to the end.  I’ll end this post off with three wise words my mom always says to me:  Breathe, Relax, Smile.  Have a great day everyone :)  

(if anyone has any questions, please feel free to go to my ask page and ask them)

[spectrumlife99]

A PSA to NTs:  Please STOP using functioning labels!

Many, MANY autistic people, including myself, are against the use of “high” and “low” functioning labels, as well as the terms “mild” and “severe” to describe autism.  These labels are harmful, inaccurate, and invalidating to many autistic people, and I’m here to give some examples of why that is.  

First, let’s look at me:  I am a “Level 2″ autistic according to the DSM 5, and my family, doctors and therapists all agree that I fit the “Level 2″ criteria more than the “Level 1″ criteria that many autistic people who are considered “high-functioning” fall under.  “Level 2″ means I have “moderate support needs” which is much more true than the “high-functioning” label the general public likes to slap on me because I can speak with my mouth parts and am not intellectually disabled.  This label is invalidating because I DO need help and support with many things in order for me to survive, but the “high-functioning” label means I am unable to get the support I need because I’m not found eligible for it since I’m “too high-functioning” to qualify.  This causes many problems for me in daily life because of the way I’m seen in the general public’s eyes.  

Now, here’s something else the general public likes to do a lot: The general public likes to slap the “low-functioning” label on autistic people who are nonspeaking and/or intellectually disabled, which invalidates their strengths, the things these people CAN do.  Many people seem to think that the “low-functioning” autistics are incapable of doing anything, but that’s not true at all!  In fact, there are many nonspeaking autistic advocates out there!  There are nonspeaking autistic people who have written books, or are good at art!  While their support needs should ALWAYS be met (by people who know what they’re doing, of course), instead of putting the focus on what they CAN’T do, the focus should be put on what they CAN do.

These labels are also inaccurate, each autistic person has areas where they would be considered “high-functioning” as well as areas where they would be considered “low-functioning” and their “levels of functioning” will also differ from person to person, as well as from day to day.  This DOES NOT, however, make autistic people any less human, or any less worthy of a happy, fulfilling life.

NT’s, please listen to autistic people when they try to tell you something...we are people too, and we deserve to be treated respectfully, just like everyone else does.

(if anyone has any questions, please feel free to go to my ask page and ask them)