spectrumlife99

[spectrumlife99]

Autism and Associative/Emotional Memories (a post with an excerpt from the book I'm writing)

(Beginning of book excerpt)

It is fairly common for autistic people to associate almost everything they experience with something else. These associations and/or memories can be either positive or negative, simple or complex, and can completely affect the way the person perceives something. In my personal experience, they can resurface seemingly at random and change the way I view something as a whole. For example, as a child, I had multiple bad experiences in swimming pools, all resulting in me slipping underwater and having to be dragged out. This happened many times throughout my childhood, and all of those times I was at family reunions. I may not have noticed it right away, but I was always reluctant to go to family reunions after that, and was so relieved when my family decided to stop going to them. I realize now that these pool incidents played a sizable role in why I hated going to family reunions, as well as the general sensory overload. They also play a major role in why I hate water, why I still can’t swim, and why even just the thought of learning how is extremely frightening for me. I only became aware of this very recently, because the memories of the pool incidents resurfaced a few years ago and now I am absolutely terrified of pools and have not gone in one since as a result. It took me a long time to actually figure all of this out, because of my struggles with alexithymia and never knowing how I’m feeling about anything, but with help from my talk therapist and my grandparents, I was able to finally understand what was going on in my mind, even though I haven’t quite figured out what exactly caused the memories to resurface the way they did. These memories were complex, as there were multiple occurrences of the same event, but there can also be more specific, simple memories as well. A few summers ago, my dad and I went out shopping to get my brother some birthday presents. It was supposed to be a quick trip, but it ended up lasting much longer than expected, and we had to go to multiple stores, which would have been fine since I was bored that day and wanted to get out of the house. What made it really stressful though was that there was a sudden thunderstorm while we were in the car driving to the second store, and I didn’t have my headphones or even my jacket with me, which made me upset to the point of a mini-meltdown/panic attack because I always bring them everywhere I go just to be prepared for anything. Luckily my dad was very patient with me and I was able to buy some things too, which made me associate a positive memory with that trip as well as a negative one. While the positive memory is very simple, the negative one is extremely specific. Not only did this trip make me absolutely have to bring my headphones and jacket with me everywhere and keep them with me at all times, but I also remember the exact amount of steps it took me to get from the car to the entrance to every place we went that day (Kohl’s (47), Best Buy (33), and the mall (52)). Anything to do with those numbers makes me remember how upset and scared I was to be outside in a thunderstorm, since I already have a strong fear of thunderstorms, but thankfully, the positive memory of that trip typically overshadows the negative one (for once). It's even happened to me with fictional characters before...multiple times!

(End of book excerpt)

(From here on I'm just talking now)

Autistic people do not TRY to associate things like this, it just HAPPENS. It's how our brains work since they're literally wired differently! Trust me, I WISH I could stop associating things, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't. It happens regardless. It is something I literally CANNOT help, and I wish allistic people would understand that and stop telling me to "let it go" or "you've been associating *insert thing here* with *insert thing here* for a WHILE now...can't you stop doing that?" No. No I can't "stop doing that", it's literally how my brain works and I can't help it, and it makes me upset and stressed that allistic people don't understand that I don't like this either. The more I think about it the more I realize that my parents really don't understand me and the way my brain works and my special interests and how THOSE work, and that makes me sad. They keep pushing me past my limits and I swear they still believe in the functioning labels...I'm NOT "high-functioning", I'm BARELY functioning right now! But that's a post for another time. I hope you all learned something about autism and associations today! That would be really great, especially if you're autistic yourself and learned a bit more about how your brain works! Or if you're allistic and learned a bit more about the autistic person/people in your life, that would be great too! Either way, I'm just trying to spread information and correct misinformation as an autistic person myself who struggles with this and many other things on a daily basis!

[spectrumlife99]

Any other autistic people out there who also have, like, the strongest sense of smell that's humanly possible...? My family constantly compares me to a dog because I can track things by scent, I can detect scents that other humans can't, I aced a silly little blindfold challenge my school did once for an activity fun day (being able to identify different candy colors and flavors while blindfolded without even having to taste them like everyone else did, I just did it by smell), I can distinguish between multiple different scents in the air (like for some examples, at a restaurant I'm always smelling, like, hundreds of different things at once, which is really distressing, or if my family is cooking something I can smell every single ingredient in whatever they're making, also all the different smells in nature are overwhelming because I just pick it all up at once and can tell everything apart), everyone has a unique scent (for example, one of my old friends ALWAYS smelled like pickles, all day, everyday, and whenever I think about that person I smell that same pickle smell even though I haven't seen that person in years now, it's just ingrained into my brain at this point), I can detect things like gas leaks and burning from a long way away AND way before anyone else which has saved my mom from many an asthma attack because I'm able to pick up on it before anyone else and shut the door before it reaches her (there's a house in my neighborhood that's always burning things for some dumb reason), I can even tell what the weather will be just by smelling the air, etc, etc. It's overwhelming picking up on literally everything around me and it gets even worse when it comes to food...I'm not going into that here because I've already written a post about my food issues but my sense of smell being so strong plays a huge part in that. But I see it as more of a curse than anything, picking up on literally every scent around me is extremely overwhelming and exhausting...I don't get the people who have told me they wish they had a nose like mine, because I always tell them "No, no, you really don't. It's not a blessing, it's a curse that causes meltdowns and interrupts my ability to function in day to day life."

Any other autistic people out there who experience this type of extreme hypersensitivity to smell? I sometimes feel like I'm the only one because I've never met anyone else with this issue, at least not anyone with nearly as strong as my own sense of smell, so I'm genuinely curious.

[spectrumlife99]

Autistic people of Tumblr...what are your special interests?

Personally, my main special interests right now are Pokémon and PAW Patrol. And on the non-fiction, non-media side of things, I'm really into all the different Zodiacs of the world for some reason I don't know...I just like it. That one is definitely my most random manifestation of a special interest in my life since I have no idea where it even came from. 😅

Anyway, what are YOUR special interests? Feel free to share in the comments below!

[spectrumlife99]

I still can't ride a bike, swim, or tie my shoes...and I'm in my mid-20s now. I'm also very uncoordinated and clumsy so that plays a role in it too I think 😅

did any other autistic ppl take a rly long time to learn how to bike/swim/tie their shoes? cuz i’ve been told a couple times i can’t be autistic because i used to be VERY talkative but i kinda wonder if the fact that i couldn’t rly do any of those things until like, third grade was a sign

[spectrumlife99]

Please, can anyone help me spread awareness of a specific autistic trait that I have but nobody seems to understand...?

I made a HUGE long post about my food sensitivities and even though my mom read the post, my parents don't truly understand my struggles because they are as neurotypical as you can get. I want to spread the word about how food sensitivities can severely impact the life of an autistic person, just as it does for me. Here is the link to my huge long post.

If you think you will be triggered by the post or it will make you upset or anxious, you don't have to read it...just please...PLEASE...if you are autistic, especially if you relate to this issue, please reblog this post right here that you're reading right now, and help spread the word. Also even if you are not autistic, I urge you to reblog this anyway, especially if you know an autistic person who struggles with this issue. Please help me with my mission to at least TRY and help people understand how much this issue affects not only myself but many other autistic people as well. I KNOW I am not the only one who struggles immensely with this. Please help me spread the word. The word needs to be spread.

[spectrumlife99]

I wish I had the ability to magically make my parents understand everything about my food sensitivities and how they affect me...but they're as neurotypical as you can get so they'll never understand...especially the ways I want them to understand. At least my mom read my post and said it was really well-written, detailed, and informative...so I hope she'll start trying to help especially when my dad keeps being his old-fashioned, gaslighting self by telling me that people are starving and that I'm being difficult by not toughening up and eating what's in front of me. That just upsets me and makes me feel like a terrible person and a failure of a human being for not being able to eat 99% of all foods in this world.

[spectrumlife99]

Reminder that Auti$m $peak$ is an anti-autistic hate group that has zero autistic people on its board, and which focuses on the "burden" we present, and that the puzzle piece and "light it up blue" campaing are from them.

If you're looking for colors or symbols to show acceptance and support for us, please use the ones we, the autistic community, have chosen: Gold (because the chemical symbol of gold is Au), and the infinity symbol.

Thank you.

[spectrumlife99]

Hey everyone, it's Autism Acceptance Month

Meaning

Time to take down Autism Speaks

A man called David Page started this on Tiktok. His autistic son took his life, and due to that he wants to make a change, he wants to shut down the organisation Autism Speaks.

Why?

Only around ONE PERCENT of Autism Speaks' revenue goes to helping autistic people and their families.

Autism speaks supports eugenics. They want to cure or get rid of autism. Autism can't be cured, it should be accepted and accommodated.

The majority of the people working there are not autisic.

They spread misinformation and stigma that autistic people should be feared and that they ruin families.

Autism speaks silences real autistic voices

How do we shut them down?*

Call Autism Speaks' phones lines as much as you can this month and keep them busy, so that less donations go through.

Keep their website open this month to overwhelm the server.

Use the #autismspeaks on every social media for random spam, so that its harder for their content to be found.

Live stream! Post! Share other posts! Talk about why Autism Speaks is harmful! Be loud and our voices will be heard.

*I'm using the suggestions from David Page's videos

Go follow David Page!! I found him on tiktok. Share his videos on other socials.

[spectrumlife99]

Edit: I am now completely back into PAW Patrol again, special interest level and everything! I couldn't stay away forever because I was missing it so much, so I decided to start watching it again to try and overcome my siren phobia...it's been really helping, at least for ones on TV...real ones still freak me out big time...but I'm so glad I can watch PAW Patrol again without freaking out. I constantly am made to feel ashamed for it though, especially with the merch collecting...I love Marshall and want all his merch, simple as that...but society is mean to adults who like kids things...I suffered a traumatic experience in Walmart once just for carrying around PAW Patrol toys I was buying to add to my collection. I have not been to Walmart since, nor have I felt comfortable going into stores alone since. I do feel comfort knowing that PAW Patrol has a HUGE adult fanbase, enough for the creators to be aware of and acknowledge by making officially licensed PAW Patrol t shirts in adult sizes, and I have a whole separate Tumblr account just for PAW Patrol posting. Here's an example of what I post on there, a drawing of my favorite character, Marshall, who is tied with Goh from Pokémon for my number one favorite fictional character of all-time.

(He's so adorable and relatable I can't even - 🥺)

So yeah, while I do definitely still believe that you shouldn't feel ashamed about liking kids' things as a special interest, and I try my best not to, especially knowing about the massive adult fanbase PAW Patrol has...it is hard for me at times because no one around me who's my age likes it and my dad CONSTANTLY berates me for it...I'm just really glad that all my friends and my grandparents accept my love of it, and in the case of my grandparents, buy me the toys and merch, which I do actually love to play with and make up awesome rescue missions...people need to stop judging, it's the people who judge that are the REAL weirdos in my opinion because they can't mind their own business and constantly feel the need to add their two cents to everything I and my fellow autistics in my life do...it's really annoying.

To all autistic people who have a "childish" special interest, or just happen to like something that is viewed as "childish" by everyone around you, I see you and feel you. Your interests are valid, there is nothing wrong with liking something geared towards children as an adult. Don't let people who tell you otherwise get you down, you should be free to like what you like, especially if it helps you through tough times.

Sincerely,

An autistic person in his 20s who still really likes Thomas the Tank Engine, and who would still really be into PAW Patrol if I hadn't developed a phobia of sirens

[spectrumlife99]

I literally wrote a big long post about my food sensitivities and how much I hate food yesterday and then this shows up on my dashboard...hmmm...funny how the dashboard works, isn't it...? 😅

@warkipinetree I totally agree with that statement, I once didn't eat for four days straight because there wasn't any safe food around...so yeah...if I can't get my safe foods I would literally rather starve myself than eat something that isn't safe.

please consider: never judging picky eaters ever

[spectrumlife99]

A more personal story about a big struggle of mine...food.

I've talked a little bit about how I hate food before on this blog...but now I think it's time to go in-depth about it...even though I usually HATE talking about it, and I'm really nervous and anxious about making this post, but I'll do my best.

Ever since I was little (like, two years old when I was taken off the baby bottle and had to move to solid foods, which, actually, I have NEVER drank milk since the baby bottle was taken away because it was nasty and I no longer needed it to survive...and I STILL to this day hate milk and find it gross), I have had MAJOR sensory issues with food, causing me to be extremely picky and particular about what I eat. I have issues with the look, smell, taste, texture, etc. I also hate things on my plate touching each other, and as a kid I had to have everything on separate plates/bowls because I wouldn't eat if anything on the plate touched each other. I still hate that to this day though, with a lot of work, I have been able to move past the "everything on separate plates/bowls" thing. I do still try my absolute best to keep everything a good distance from each other though.

I am also very particular about even the same types of food. For example, I only eat certain specific brands of certain specific things, and if the brand is wrong, even if the food itself is the same, I will always notice just by smell alone, and refuse to eat it. If the brand is not the safe brand, I will not eat it. If we don't have a safe food or the right brand of safe food, I will choose to go hungry rather than eat, because it's just too much for me to eat a non-safe food/brand. My diet is extremely limited...I would say that 99% of all foods in this world are way too overwhelming for me, and I know for a fact that I can count the number of foods I will actually eat on my fingers...and everything on that list is bland, except for a couple VERY SPECIFIC flavors of VERY SPECIFIC kinds of candy. It has to be bland because I can't handle anything that's spicy (even if it's only a tiny kick or a pinch of seasoning, it will still feel like my mouth is burning and my stomach will start feeling bad), I can't handle bitter things (bitter things will immediately trigger the gag reflex), and I can't handle sour things (sour things, aside from being overwhelming in taste, make my mouth really irritated and that really hurts), or things that are too sweet (I can handle mild sweetness but if it's anything even the slightest bit over mildly sweet, I can't handle it, it triggers the gag reflex). If I could survive without eating, I would never ever eat a thing because I hate food and eating so much. I usually only eat one meal a day, that being supper, because my family always makes sure to have safe food for me in the house for supper specifically. And if we have takeout or go to a restaurant, we always make sure that the restaurant has one of my safe foods beforehand, otherwise I won't eat.

I have gone multiple days in a row without eating anything, because there was nothing safe around. This was back when I was in my early teens in the psych hospital. I was there because I needed a medication adjustment, they had to take me off everything and put me back on everything again slowly, as well as change some of the meds because I was struggling with severe anger issues and aggression, there wasn't a day that went by without me exploding on someone and physically hurting them or myself back then...so I was in the psych hospital for about a week and a half. The teen ward was like a dorm at a university or something, there was a common area, and two long corridors of rooms, with the girls on one and boys on the other. Now, the food situation there was...less than ideal... especially for someone like me. We had a choice of what we wanted to eat, but to actually GET to choose, we had to wake up at the designated wake-up call time...which was always really hard for me since I am not a morning person and I also had nightmares that woke me up and made me really anxious and panicky basically every night. So, as you can probably guess, I always missed the menu choices, meaning I always ended up with something random. That was not good, because it was almost always something that wasn't a safe food. The worst part of it was, there were multiple days in a row of this, and by the fourth day in a row of me not eating, one of the nurses did the worst thing possible for a person with severe food sensitivities...the nurse force-fed me...and continued to do so everyday after that. It was like torture, and every time after being force-fed by the nurse, I would go right back to my room, head right to the bathroom, and proceed to get rid of it by gagging myself on purpose to make myself throw up. The food sitting in my stomach made me nauseous as it was already so I just had to get it out of there so I could feel better. I never told anyone about it though because during my entire week and a half there it was so traumatic I was basically rendered mute, barely saying a word to anyone. I know that they were just worried about me and wanted to make sure I survived while I was there, but they definitely could've done it less...aggressively...

This wasn't the first time I was force-fed either. As a kid, with my OT, I did a type of feeding therapy called Feeding Team. It was supposed to help me learn to try new foods...but it didn't work. Now, the person who force-fed me there wasn't my usual therapist. My usual therapist never did that, she just sat there with me and reminded me that if I didn't eat the food of the week, I wouldn't be allowed to do all the other stuff...the stuff I liked doing in OT. Multiple weeks just consisted of me just sitting there the whole time because I just wouldn't...COULDN'T eat. But my usual therapist never threatened to force-feed me or anything like that. So how was I force-fed there, then...? Well...it was when my usual therapist wasn't there, and I had a substitute...a couple substitutes weren't the most patient and after it became clear I wasn't going to eat, they would pick up the fork or spoon, gather some of the food on it, and shove it into my mouth. I would immediately go running to the bathroom after that and proceed to, once again, get rid of it all so I didn't feel sick anymore with the food sitting in my stomach like that.

No one, absolutely NO ONE in my family knows that I've been force-fed before. They also don't know about me purposely getting rid of the food I was force-fed every time. I have only told my talk therapist and a best friend of mine who understands what having food sensitivities like this is like...and only brought it up in the first place because I've been thinking about this for a while and having nightmares about the force-feeding where I wake up feeling sick and like I need to get rid of the food I was force-fed in my dream...so it's been really bothering me a lot lately. And I'm one of those people who HATES anything to do with throwing up. If someone around me is sick with a stomach bug or flu and I hear or see it...I freak out and have full-on panic attacks over it, and when I have the stomach bug or flu myself, I try to keep everything from coming out as long as I possibly can.

And food unfortunately is something that can make me really sick and trigger the gag reflex from just the look and smell alone...which is why I always stay away from the kitchen when my family is eating their meals, and waiting until everything they had is all cleaned up and put away before I can finally have my own safe food for supper...I do this pretty much everyday, as it's very VERY rare for my family to have something I can eat alongside them for supper. The only thing that really comes to my mind that I eat with them is pasta...my mom makes it plain and makes the sauce separately because she's allergic to tomatoes and I don't like sauce. I completely cover my plain pasta in the (what I like to call) "cheese salt" type of parmesan cheese because that way it tastes better and it's not greasy. One of my younger brothers (who also has some food sensitivities, but he's not nearly as problematic in my parents' eyes as I am because he eats a lot more things than I do) does the same thing, and we often fight over the parmesan cheese because of it.

I used to have to sit at the table with everyone during holiday meals, which felt like torture, but now I don't have to do that anymore because I just can't do that without feeling sick and losing my appetite at the sight and smell of all holiday food. The only thing I eat on holidays is plain rolls...which is just bread. Everything else is way too much for me. So I wait for everyone to finish and clean up, and then I have a safe food, just like basically every other day.

On Easter yesterday I didn't even eat supper at all because I just wasn't hungry. I have a hard time noticing when I'm hungry or not, so that plays another part in me not wanting to eat, because I don't feel like I need to. I've been put on an appetite stimulator medication because my one meal a day is not enough for my family and support workers and it makes them worry...even though I'm totally fine with one a day but that's just me. It worked for a while, it didn't change anything I actually ATE but it made me feel hunger a bit more...though now it's stopped working and I'm back to one meal a day. I get really tired of my family constantly judging me for being picky, berating me for never eating anything, telling me I'm being difficult, and saying things like, "There are people starving out there, you should be grateful for what you have and eat!" When they say those things, it does not help at all! It instead just makes me really upset because I literally CANNOT HELP IT! I didn't ASK for this, I didn't ASK to have so many food sensitivities...and it drives ME just as crazy as it drives THEM! I wish I could eat more things so they wouldn't get so mad at me all the time but I just CAN'T!

You know how people will expect you to just toughen up and eat what's in front of you...? Yeah...no...that doesn't work for me. If there's nothing I can eat, nothing that's safe, I will not eat a THING until I have a safe food in front of me again, even if it takes multiple days...the longest I've gone without eating was four days. I am so glad my parents don't force-feed me though, like the nurses at the psych hospital or the substitute OT person did...because that means I haven't had to intentionally make myself sick to get rid of the things I was force-fed in about a decade now. I am so afraid to tell my family about those incidents because they have never heard anything about it from anyone at all and I always keep traumatic memories and things that happened to me to myself for years at a time, until I can't take it anymore and I just break from the stress, but I am working on it now with my talk therapist, so I hope I'll be able to say something eventually.

Anyway, I guess what I want to say is, anyone else who's autistic and struggles with food sensitivities, I see you and I feel you. You are not alone. I used to think I was alone in this until I met my best friend who struggles with this stuff too. It was so validating for me to finally have someone who understands what this is like, and I hope my story can help some of you feel not so alone either.

[spectrumlife99]

I am not "high-functioning". I am not "low-functioning". I am autistic.

[spectrumlife99]

Had to get blood work early this morning, which is never pleasant because I HATE needles as well as being touched. There's one person at the place who is really good with me though, but...she wasn't there today...I panicked and even though I had my headphones and backpack of sensory/fidget toys, I still lost my ability to speak and wouldn't get up off the seat in the waiting room until my mom helped me into the testing room. My mom had to explain that I always get really nervous and have extreme sensory issues, which one of them is I hate being touched. Luckily the person doing the blood work this time was able to understand and used a much smaller needle so I wouldn't feel it as much. Of course, I did still feel it a lot but I managed to get through it, and afterward when I got home I got a Pokémon shirt as a reward! My mom said I did very well and that I should be proud of myself, and I am! I am also really grateful that my mom was there to help me get the support I needed when I couldn't speak. She's advocated for me since the very beginning and even though I'm learning to speak up nowadays, she still really helps a lot when I can't, like today.

[spectrumlife99]

Christmas can be a LOT for autistic people...but I hope that all of you who celebrate it had a good one yesterday

I personally had a good one, though a family member I don't get along with came over so I was stuck in my room for the whole afternoon, but I was able to keep calm thanks to this mechanical emotional support cat I got from my grandma on Christmas Eve. I absolutely love that cat and she is so soothing for me to just sit there and pet and hear her meow and purr, and the purring is actually like a real cat because it vibrates and that's so soothing for me, it's like a vibrating weighted pillow and I love it. She's designed like a tuxedo cat and I named her Casey after the real tuxedo cat I had growing up, but the real Casey passed back in 2019 at the age of 20 (almost 21, which is LONG for a cat) and I never got over it, especially since I'm one of those people who finds being around cats to be soothing and it really helps with my anxiety. But I can't have a cat nowadays since my house is way too small so I'm so glad I was able to to get the mechanical one...and the fact that those are MADE for emotional support is perfect, they're made for seniors with Alzheimer's/dementia, and also for people with disabilities of any kind (autism included), that can't have a real pet, to have a 'pet' that helps with anxiety or depression or basically any kind of mental health issues. I gotta say, she is working wonders for me so far, everytime I have her on my lap petting her and making her purr, I feel ten times more relaxed than I have in a LONG time. Here's what these cats look like, doesn't it look fluffy?

And here's a picture of MY specific cat, Casey 🥺

So yeah, VERY fluffy, VERY cute, and perfect for my anxiety and depression...she was the perfect gift and I'm so glad I got her.

I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but I HAD to talk about my new emotional support cat (she's a real cat to me, okay?) and share the fact that these exist in case any of you might think you'd benefit from something similar (they are expensive though).

[spectrumlife99]

Had meltdown Tuesday night lost control of myself was breaking things and hurt my mom because swing broke and upset upset upset because need swing to help stay calm while having bad mental state always lately and swing is broken now so lost it and didn't mean to hurt mom I hate hate HATE losing it it's still bothering me and can't get it out of head still upset I did that and STILL apologizing to mom because ended up hurting her because bigger stronger than her and didn't mean it NEVER mean it I just lose control and NOTHING I can do because can't feel it coming on or anything just takes over me I hate hate hate meltdowns they're bad problems bad problems BAD PROBLEMS can't get over it still feel awful and still hurts because HURT MY MOM but I never never NEVER mean it but don't know if she knows that but I love my mom so so SO much she still taking care of me since can't live on my own wouldn't be able to survive but upset over hurting her can't get out of my mind meltdowns are the worst worst WORST hate them hate them HATE THEM!!!!

[spectrumlife99]

So mad right now can't even calm down so tired so DONE everyone thinks they know me better than I do myself and tell me I can do much stuff and tell me I don't give enough credit and can do all the things I say I can't but it's OVERESTIMATING ME and overestimation is killing me mentally I can't even and I KNOW myself I KNOW what's possible and not possible and they DON’T and I'm so mad mad mad upset upset upset and don't know how to tell them and make them get it they're treating me like child and putting way to much pressure on me all at once can't stand it I wish they understood its so painful they dismiss my issues and struggles and it hurts and being put on pedestal hurts and can't stand it can't stand it CAN'T STAND IT its damaging and they say I'm so 'high-functioning' and I hate that hate it HATE IT it dismisses my VERY REAL issues like can't live on my own can't get a job can't even THINK about jobs without having meltdown because so stressful so triggering EVERYTHING about it is too much and can't do it can't do it CAN'T DO IT wish I knew how to make them understand I DO know myself BETTER than they THINK they do but they don't get it I don't know how to make them get it and I can't stand it can't stand it CAN’T STAND IT!!!!!

[spectrumlife99]

Talking is SUCH A HASSLE...

I’ve gotta say, not talking much for the past two days has really been nice...talking drains me of energy and is often anxiety-inducing to the point where I just CAN’T get any words out and considering the fact that I’m FORCED to talk just because I can (seriously I’m forced to even say things that could easily be conveyed with simple gestures, like ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘I don’t know’), even though writing is a much easier and more effective way for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings in the first place, finally just being able to stay quiet for once has kept me calmer than I’ve been in a long time, especially since I’ve been going through a lot lately.  I’m one of those people who doesn’t like talking much, and I have episodes where I lose the ability to talk VERY often, usually if I’m tired, stressed, anxious, in meltdown or shutdown, etc.  I went through a phase in elementary school where I stopped talking altogether for a while because of bullies, even though I used to be KNOWN for being the ‘weird copycat kid of few words’ in the first place, and I have social anxiety so bad my words lock up when I’m in public by myself or whenever I’m on the phone with anyone else besides my grandma...I only have a select few people that I’m comfortable actually talking to, and they are my grandparents and my immediate family, I can actually talk to them without much of a hassle (ESPECIALLY if it’s about my special interest in Pokemon), except if I’m stressed, tired, or in meltdown or shutdown.  I’ve even become so distant from my friend group that I’m afraid to get back in touch with them even if I can somehow manage to resolve the conflict between us...which makes me freeze up just thinking about it.  I’ve completely isolated myself at this point and won’t say anything to any of my friends...because I just CAN’T without my words locking up which gets me nowhere.  I don’t know WHY talking is such a hassle, I don’t know WHY it’s so much easier to just write instead, I don’t know WHY I lose my ability to talk so often at seemingly such small things, I don’t know WHY I can only talk to my grandma on the phone but no one else, I don’t know WHY I freeze up in public when I’m by myself, I don’t know WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME AND MY STUPID VOICE THAT ALWAYS BETRAYS ME!!!  

....even though I don’t like talking and prefer writing instead, it still gets frustrating when I can’t get any words out...it’s like a double-edged sword...and a battle I can’t seem to ever win...

Anyone ever feel the same way...?  If so how do you deal with it...?  Because I’m seriously stressing over this right now...