#SO while the skin thing feels big rn as I’m realizing it’s getting worse

[dimsilver]

🌊

[sublimecatgalaxy]

♥️ Rafe Cameron Masterlist ♥️

This is a masterlist dedicated to things I've written about Rafe Cameron.

Check out my Prompt List and my Character List in my Masterpost which is pinned for more info on who I write for and some inspiration for requests.

Liability (Completed): masterlist

Read It and Weep: Part 1 ; Part 2 ; Part 3

A Lot Worse:

Summary/Request: "Sarah and wheezie realizing rafes good mood is actually because of a new woman in his life?"

Third Wheel:

Summary/Request: "rafe cameron x reader??? PLEASE?? when wheezie third wheeling but she loves it bcs she can see her brother become so soft…

The Storm:

Summary/Request: "Rafe Cameron x tutor!reader? I know it’s been done a lot but it’s a really fun idea.

Answer It:

Summary/Request: "hey babe may i request a blurb\fic of Rafe x Pogue!reader where theyre secretely fucking and JJ calls her while theyre doing it and rafe tells her to pick it up and doesnt stop hile on the call"

Soothing Bruised Skin:

Summary/Request: "Daddy Rafe 🥰 with “come on, let’s get you cleaned up"

Need Help:

Summary/Request: "a little hurt/comfort with Rafe 🥺"

When and What:

Summary/Request: "could you do rafe x reader with a broken bone or something where they are just super loving and cute together !!!!"

Stupid Sometimes:

Summary/Request: "can you write one where she has a to patch rafe up after a fight and its an angst fluff typa thing i love you and your writing sm btw 💗"

Fussy:

Summary/Request: "any fluff or hurt/comfort related to my life rn would be appreciated ❤️ with our baby daddy Rafe of course 😃"

Shitty Nurse:

Summary/Request: "can I have rafe with a reader with a broken neck 🥹😭 for legal reasons 😭"

A Giant:

Summary/Request: "Can you write Rafe Cameron x a teenmom!reader? Whether it be his kid or not, I just wanna see what he would be like dating someone who has a kid and how awkward he'd be (cuz it's not like he has a very good role model to go off of lol)."

Only Place:

Summary/Request: "Could you do prompts 1 and 3? Maybe some angst??"

Top Heavy:

Summary/Request: "I need a part 2 for my fav fic (you know what I'm talking about hehe) with our baby rafe! id love it if maybe he's helping her with daily stuff, just being a big teddy bear and the banter."

Manipulator is Manipulated:

Summary/Request: "can you write an rafe x routledge!reader with a lot of angst? like the reader is trying to manipulate rafe in order to gain her trust, and somehow rafe is falling for her (and her lies) (nothing violent)."

Annoyance:

Summary/Request: "“I guess I didn’t realize I was such a nuisance.”"

Sass:

Summary/Request: "'I really don't like you.' - 'And I really don't believe you.' Friends to lovers."

Puppy Dog Eyes:

Summary/Request: "Rafe w/ broken neck reader again pls :) you can include these lines if you want to hehe or you can work your own creative magic!! ily"

Seafoam Green:

Summary/Request: "I would love this I just thought you would like to know that I’m not wearing any underwear right now. Do what you must with this information.’ With Rafe and kook!reader ❤️"

Lectured:

Summary/Request: "Argument/fighting + hidden injury- “whose blood is that?”

Going Down:

Summary/Request: "Rafe Cameron smut where he's literally just going down on her and absolutely loving it? I feel like this guy would definitely do it every chance he could humanly do it."

You Up?:

Summary/Request: "Rafe Cameron smut friends with benefits? Super playful vibes and stuff but hard core smut LOL"

Ups and Downs:

Summary/Request: "This time, her getting the brace off + having atrophied muscles, maybe some PT appointments, all the things."

Growing Pains:

Summary/Request: "hi bestie 😃 I was wondering if you could recreate me and the hubbys first Valentine’s Day with Rafe."

Around Town:

Summary/Request: "Hi! Can I request prompt 22 and trope 4 for soft!rafexreader?"

Coward:

Summary/Request: "Rafe with the quotes "Go fuck yourself rafe" and "Fuck me yourself you coward""

Migraine:

Summary/Request: "could u possibly do a rafe imagine where the reader has a migraine so rafe takes care of her?"

Deeper:

Summary/Request: "Can you please do a Rafe Cameron imagine where the reader is a Pogue and has a secret friends with benefits with Rafe, which was going well until they started catching feelings for each other and became increasingly jealous."

Birthday:

Summary/Request: "'Rafe x birthday reader for me. PS: make it extra smuttyyy ☺️'"

Sloppy:

Summary/Request: "reader and rafe getting high together and having sloppy sex?"

Never Let You Go:

Summary/Request: "Would you just do something super duper fluffy with Rafe? Like her trying to leave when he’s holding her but he just refuses to let go or something like that?"

Sweet:

Summary/Request: "MORE SOFT!RAFE PLS I'M BEGGING"

Just Life:

Summary/Request: "s it possible that u could write something where the reader is rly stressed and she carries all her tension in her shoulders, and rafe notices so he gives her a nice long back rub?"

Beach Day:

Summary/Request: "is it possible that you could do a request where rafe and the reader have a beach day together?"

Hot Stuff:

Summary/Request: "could I please request one where Rafe suddenly realises Sarah's BFF from childhood is hot."

Wake Up:

Summary/Request: "I love your fluffy Rafe stuff so I was wondering if you could write something fluffy? Maybe waking up with Rafe?"

Blocked:

Summary/Request: "idk if anyone requested this but PLZ PLZ PLZ HEAVY ANGST 12+9 with Rafe"

Bed Ready:

Summary/Request: "ow abt him and the reader just got out of the shower and are getting ready for bed?"

[poisonousquinzel]

https://lady-ha-ha.tumblr.com/post/160715688748/is-that-comic-before-the-reboot-and-which-one-is

(I have not read this comic) Is this true? (if so, ivy deserves someone better).

Post

Kay, first off both of those people are Jarley shippers so take everything they say with a grain of salt and then some, cause no. that part isn't about how much Harley loves Joker and will always choose him over Ivy. Literally you can tell ops don't know what they're talking about cause her whole thing in those issues is going to kill him for years of graphic abuse but ultimately falls back with him once she’s face to face with him.

Like wow, congrats on missing the fucking point again but not surprised from people who ship her with The Fucking Joker.

also, ffs, can anyone please have basic comprehension skills and realize that Harley and Ivy are both fucked up sometimes because they’ve got issues and that’s not comparable to Joker’s long ass history of graphic and disgusting abuse.

Harley and Ivy are villains, they're not a wholesome cookie cutter, White Picket Fence, super vanilla ship with no bad moments. They're both bad guys with a fuck ton of trauma that they both have to work through, and have done so at this point. 

Gotham City Sirens was published between 2009 - 2011, Harley and Ivy weren't blatantly romantic at this point nor had they had anywhere near the development that they’ve had at this point.

Like don’t go into Harlivy content expecting them to be the perfect wlw rep with no flaws during their arcs from BTAS to current time cause that’s just not realistic. They’re both deeply flawed people who’ve got a fuck ton of trauma that they need to (and have) worked through. 

I have talked about the BTAS issues here and this post is good at explaining them too. 

X

X

Harlivy is not and has never been a purely wholesome, goody-goody ship. They’re messy, they have issues, and they have bad moments sometimes, but they both worked through their seperate trauma and came out stronger and better because at the end of the day, they care about each other. 

Harlivy has messy, toxic moments sometimes, but they’re not, and have never been, abusive. There’s a difference between unhealthy moments and a ship being abusive. 

That’s completely different to how Joker acts Constantly, because he does not care that his actions towards Harley are abusive, because he doesn’t give a shit about her. 

He enjoys hurting her. He enjoys ruining her. 

Jarley has always been intended to be written and shown as a domestically abusive relationship.

This is also the first instance where it's directly referenced that there's something more than platonic between her and Ivy, other than the reference in Batgirl Adventures. 

Gotham City Sirens is also not connected to any verses.

This didn’t happen in the timeline we’re in rn with Harley Quinn (2014)/(2016)/(2021).

Comic timelines and shit are stupid and make everything more confusing and awful and I hate it sdfjdksksdkjsd

-

this is gonna be a long post since ops wanna just cut and paste random bits of the issues like jarley stans always do (cause jarley never has good moments that aren’t entirely surrounded by him abusing her) I’m going to show them in full context. *added a keep reading cause it is a lot

(All panels shown are from #15, #18, #19, #20, #21, #23, #24, #25)

So, Harley's entire thing at this point in the GCS comic in that she's been triggered by flashbacks of Joker's abuse and she breaks into Arkham with the intent to kill him.

The entire thing in these issues is showing her smarts and how she knows people's trump cards to get under their skin so she can break into Arkham. 

She’s trained to identify these things in people and she's fucking good at pushing people's buttons. 

this is also just one of my fav Harley covers so I wanted to show it jsdjksdks

“Trump cards. Everyone has one. Places where the armor we build around ourselves is weakest.” 

She’s right. And it’s now shown that Harley’s willing to use those below the belt trump cards if she has to.  

And frankly, I’d say this is worse than what she says to Ivy. And I’m not surprised she did it. She didn’t want to, she tried to get him to just open the door - 

“Don’t make me do this, Aaron. There are some secrets that should stay hidden. Things you should never learn about your own life.” 

but she’s also entirely fueled by rage and the desire to kill Joker. She came here for a reason and she’s not leaving until she’s done it.

“I’m going to kill you. For everything you’ve done to me. All the times you’ve made me feel useless and small. For all the times I will never forget. For all the things I can never forgive. All the memories -”

“Hello, Harley. I’ve missed you.” 

“Memories. That’s all I have left. The past is gone and all I have is... memories. 

Memories.

Memory. 

Gone.

I guess I too have a trump card.”

“Oh, Ivy. You know exactly what my answer is going to be. But you’re hoping you’re wrong, aren’t you?”

She’s also right about this, they already mentioned this in #18.

“How did I become the bad guy?”

“You’re the one choosing a man over her girls.”

“Are you kidding me? You would never say that to Harley, and we both know she’d dumb us in a flat second if Joker called her.”

“Hey! That’s not fair-- Actually, that’s probably true.”

“The difference is, she can’t help it. You can. And she’s working on it. You’re not working on it.” 

“Too easy, Ivy. Too easy. I know your weak spots. Now I just need to push.”

This is exactly what she’s been doing since the starting point of this post. She’s still in that mindset and she knows she can’t beat her on a regular battle field. Neither of them can. 

“Like I said-- You beat me in any level playing field. But I don’t fight on those fields.” 

Harley’s biggest strength as a villain is her ability to completely mentally stall her opponents and learn their weak spots. She wouldn’t win against the majority of the Big Bads if she didn’t fight on a different field than they are. 

so, like yeah, out of context what she says to Ivy seems awful and completely screwed up, and it is, but it’s also built up really well and it’s completely in character for her at this point in her fall during these issues. 

Is what she did fucked? absolutely. It’s not painted that it’s not. 

Ivy Literally Goes To Kill Her For It.

In the end of this all three of them are recaptured by Catwoman and Batman and that’s where we’re starting off at again. 

“Oh, Harley.

The only human I’ve ever called a friend.

To what lengths will I go? Where are my own limits? She is the Strangler fig. And I am the tree, choking underneath. 

Without me, she could never grow. 

But without her, I would fall if I grew too tall.” 

“Will she ever stand by herself? 

Will she ever be ready? 

She is in throes of madness. She sees him, her brain flooding with adrenaline, it makes her excited, nervous, then the feelings start to fade, and she needs more. And more. 

She sees it as passion. She sees it as love. 

But it’s not. It’s addiction. And she’s relapsing.” 

Ivy is well aware of the nature of their relationship. She’s not stupid and she’s been shown already to know that it’s something that takes time. It’s not a one off break up and it’s over. That’s not how abusve relationships work. 

What do I do?

I could use my pheromones to alter her brain chemistry.

I could leave her behind abandoning her to the wilds of her own mind.

I could kill her right now.

Show her how red Nature can be.

There's one other option.

It would require patience.

Even love.

Maybe I'm more human than I want to admit.

"You have one chance to answer this."

I know, if she agrees, she'll be doing it for revenge. For him.

"She put us behind bars."

But maybe if I get away from this place, if I give her something else to think about. Maybe she can break the cycle. But it has to be her choice.

"I'm going to kill her. Come with me."

So yeah, it’s definitely not a just “Harley hurts her and runs off with Joker and it’s just a plain ol’ her choosing him over everyone and that’s that.” 

Jarley shippers love to just reduce all her scenes and arcs down to their “epic love” and shit, but that’s taking away literally everything about her and reducing it down to the 3 panels that they’re “cute” in. Her arc in this part is fucking heartbreaking to read.

And Ivy damn well knows what’s going on with her. She’s smart and she’s the one that’s been there throughout all of this. She found her in the park after he shot her out of a rocket. 

And she knows it’ll take time for Harley to get over and through his manipulation, that’s just how it works with abusive relationships. 

But she’s also not forgiving at first, she’s mad and rightfully so, until she sees the sate of Harley’s cell and realizes how bad her addiction is at that time.

A lot of the unhealthy moments on Harley’s side when it comes to them are directly caused from the effects of being in an abusive relationship with Joker. Because she’s always in this area of her journey in those moments. She’s never fully over him or emancipated. 

And that’s realistic. It’s hard sometimes to be friends with someone who’s in abusive relationships like theirs, having to watch them return to that person time and time again and it’s frustrating after a while. 

I know from personal experience, it’s really hard to watch someone you care about go back or forgive someone that continues to hurt them. 

But abuse victims desperately need a support system outside of their abuser. It’s a crucial part of being able to escape, because when they do try to get out they need someone there or they’ll literally have no where to go but back into their abuser’s arms.

It’s heartbreaking and it’s really rough for everyone effected, but that’s just how it is most of the time. Especially in their case, as they’re not just regular folk dealing with this. 

If she doesn’t have Ivy, Harley has no one else to go to but Joker, on more than just an emotional level. 

She’s lost her job. Her income. Her home. Her livelihood. Her everything.

Most of the time she has no other choice but to return to a life of crime after she’s released from Arkham because she can’t get a job, she’s a notorious criminal and she’s got a lot of issues that don’t just disappear with a bit of therapy. 

She has no other choice but to return to Joker because the other alternative is the streets. At least she knows what to expect with him. 

And that’s not even getting into the manipulation, gaslighting and degrading abuse that he drills into her constantly. 

He’s made her believe she’s not anything without him. That she’s not smart or useful or anything. 

And that’s why it’s so damn important for her to have a support system and why he’s so damn against Ivy. 

Because Ivy is the good voice on her shoulder telling her he’s wrong and that she doesn’t deserve that. 

-

And on Ivy’s side, she’s aware she gets very near cutting off all parts of her humanity. 

She’s a plant goddess, she’s insanely powerful and she feels everything through the green. Frankly, she’s not even on the same playing field as these villains. She’s significanty more powerful than Harley and Joker. 

Her connection to Harley is what keeps her humanity in tack, because despite everything, she does care about her. She was the first person she let in, the first person Ivy called a friend. 

The person that was able to get through to her in #14/#15 when she was losing herself. The one that was able to get through to her that the dude was manipulating her. 

“Ivy, I know you think you love this guy... but you’re just gonna end up strapped to his rocket!”

She had to knock her out for the dude to trust her / not attack them anymore. But Harley got through to her by mentioning how they first met in the park when she saved her after Joker shot her off in a rocket.

And Ivy is understandable turned off towards humans considering her origin and trauma around that. 

She’s got a lot of trust issues.

But both of them work through their seperate traumas over the years because their affection for each other is stronger than the issues their trauma has given them.

-

and also, sometimes, they just have shit writers. that’s an issue overall in comic fandoms. Some writers just fucking suck at getting any of the characters right, let alone LGBT characters, who’re notoriously treated like garbage by DC. 

[fandomsonrequests]

long overdue

fandom: stranger things

characters: steve harrington

reader: gn

word count: 1.6k+

summary: you and steve have been friends since childhood and neither of you could ignore what you felt for each other. but it took some demogorgons for you to realize that

a/n: AHHHHHHH i’m so sorry if this is late ;^; school is really kicking my ass rn ;^; i hope you enjoy!

notes: some swearing; demogorgons

tagged by: @hyposstuffingwell​ 

It was late at night and the breeze was chilly but that didn’t stop you or Steve from sneaking out. He picked you up a couple of blocks away from your house and the two of you drove away to the quarry, belting out Queen’s songs from inside the car.

Now here you were, sitting on top of the car’s hood as you look over the waters, talking over the most mundane things to the crazy events that took place last year. The moon glinted off the soft ripples of the water, causing silver streaks to float through the surface. The smell of damp grass reached your nose and an orchestra of cicadas serenaded whoever was present. 

“I still can’t believe that you actually said that to Carol in fifth grade,” You guffawed, holding your belly as more laughs escape you.

“Hey— you thought the same thing!” Steve argues. “Her hair really looked like a bird’s nest.”

“Yeah but you don’t tell her that..!” You retort with a playful shove to his shoulder. 

The brunet rolled his eyes at that, brushing back his gorgeous locks. He sighs and leaned against the car’s window, leaving you to your own musings. He eyes the various stars that twinkled against the dark blanket of the sky. He never really told many people this, not even the Party or he’ll never hear the end of it, but he was one of those people who just stared up into the night sky. He liked to take in the sights and smells around him and just enjoy what he had. 

His gaze rolls over to you beside him, seeing you lying comfortably against his car’s window. The warm quilt you had brought along was laid neatly on top of your lap, eyes closed as you basked in the ambiance of the night. 

At that moment Steve wondered- why did it take him so long to see this? Why did it have to take him supernatural beings, a group of kids, and a secret Russian infiltration paired with a gigantic demonic creature to work up the courage to realize what he had felt for you?

You two were neighbors, practically growing up together. You two were an unstoppable force as children, just the two of you against the world. But once high school rolled around- things changed. It was like you two became two different people. Maybe it was his fault, considering he was blinded by the popularity that managed to find its way to him, but that shouldn’t have stopped him from talking to you. 

The brunet shakes himself out of his trance when he feels your hand casually slip in his, lacing your fingers with his and giving his palm a gentle squeeze. He looks up to see you gaze at him softly, almost as if you were contemplating something. He sits up when you do, hands never leaving yours.

“You brought your guitar right?” You ask and he nods. “I wanna hear you sing.”

Steve flushes a brighter shade of red and looks away bashfully. You whine and latch onto his arm, begging him to serenade you. He chuckles at your pleads, his free hand reaching up to run his hand through his hair in nervousness. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to play for you- he’d do it in a heartbeat. But he was scared that he’d mess up and look stupid in front of you- or worse, sing something that revealed his true feelings for you.

Fuck it. He thinks to himself. “Fine,” He relents and you cheer quietly. “Jeez- no matter what age we are you always manage to rope me into doing what you want.”

“You can say no, y’know.” You chide and playfully punch his shoulder, watching as he fetches his guitar from his car. 

“I know. But I need the practice anyway.” He hops back onto the hood, reaching up to the neck of the guitar to tune it.

You watch fondly as he did so, memories of hanging out in his room and watching him play come flooding back to you. The sad, heavy wave of nostalgia washes over you at the memories, but you push that aside. You can recreate them again, right here and now. 

Steve releases a nervous exhale and you rest a hand of comfort to his shoulder. You give him an encouraging smile, one that he reciprocates with gratitude, and starts to play. His fingers pluck at the strings gently- just some random notes to get the feel of it. He plays a jumble of notes, pretending to be in one of those rock bands and you laugh at his antics. Eventually, he stops messing around and the notes morph into something familiar- a song you heard on the radio many times. 

“We’re talking away, I don't know what I'm to say. I'll say it anyway…” He sings softly.

You perked up when you recognized this iconic song. As he played into the night, you realized that it sounded so different when played this way- more romantic even. And you couldn’t help but feel a warmth bloom in your chest at the sight in front of you. Steve looked so lost in the music as he strummed away, singing along with the melody. He always had a talent for music, you just wish he recognized it. 

“Take on me, take me on,” Steve looks up to you, shyly meeting your gaze. “I’ll be gone, in a day or two…”

He strums the rest of the chords, repeating it a couple of times before closing the song and letting the last notes echo into the air. It’s quiet for a while, just the two of you staring at each other as you let the atmosphere settle. Steve poured his heart out into the song and poured a little of what he thinks he feels for you so that you’d know how much you mean to him. 

When the tension became unbearable, you spoke up. “I missed you, Steve.” You tell him softly. 

“I missed you too, ______,” He replies with a sigh. He reached out to take your hand in his, thumb running over the back of it. “Look… I’m sorry for what happened back in high school… I was a jerk. Like- a jerk-jerk, the kind of jerk you want to just punch ‘cos he’s so self-absorbed and pathetic.”

You scoot over to him, gently taking the guitar and placing it back into the car. When you return, you reach up to cup his face, making the brunet turn to you. At your touch, his skin heats up with shame and he avoids your gaze. He couldn’t bear to look at you— it would just remind him of how neglectful he was as a friend.

His warm brown eyes are glassy with a pang of deep-seated guilt as he stared down at his lap. Your heart clenches at this. You knew that it was kind of his fault- he did turn you away when he became “King of Hawkins High,” but part of it was your fault too. You were so angry at him that you shunned him away whenever he tried approaching you- it was easier for you that way. Because at least, when you acted cold, the heartbreak you felt would be less painful than what it would have initially been. 

“I’m not going to lie, you were that kind of a jerk,” You chuckle, thumb brushing the space under his eyes. “But it was my fault too… I gave you the cold shoulder and turned you away. And… I’m sorry for that- I should have listened to you when you tried to explain yourself…” 

Steve let out some sort of amused huff. “...I guess we both fucked up big time huh?” His eyes drop down to your lips before flickering back up to your face where he finally met your gentle gaze. He dared to lean forward, pressing his forehead against yours while his trembling hands reached up to cup both your cheeks.

“What if… what if I kissed you right now?” He asks boldly, impulsively. 

Your heartbeat speeds up at the question. You had already harbored feelings for your friend back then. Even though circumstances weren’t all that great before, that tiny vulnerable part you had for him never left. And with what happened with the Demogorgons, Billy, the Russians chasing after you (all that shared trauma as Murray Bauman puts it) it had only festered into what you have now. 

“Here’s a better question,” You whisper. “What’s stopping you from doing so?” 

Steve’s breath hitched when you actually gave him permission to kiss him. He blinks rapidly, almost as if making sure he wasn’t dreaming, before steeling his nerves and leaning forward to press his lips tentatively against yours. 

The kiss was shy and hesitant at first. It was only when the both of you pulled away from each other did you two realize that you wanted something more. As your lips slot against his again, you couldn’t help but lean further into him, arms wrapping around his shoulders as your lips moved against his. Steve on the other hand wrapped an arm around your waist as the other came to cradle the back of your head, holding you as if you’d disappear any moment. 

The kiss wasn’t sloppy or desperate- but it was passionate and full of unsaid emotions that could be better off expressed without the use of words. You pull your head away when the call for air was too great but made no move to shift out of Steve’s hold. You couldn’t help but smile at what had happened, the warmth in your chest growing and spreading throughout your whole body. 

“That, that was long overdue.” You hum, eliciting a soft chuckle from Steve. 

“Well,” He muses and tucks a stray hair behind your ear, kissing your forehead after. “Better late than never.” 

[normal-thoughts-official]

We need more MIND CONTROL ANGST in this fandom give me Alec hurts Magnus and for a split second Magnus is just shocked with this feeling of "alec... hit me?" And even tho he very quickly realizes something is wrong it just feels so wrong and painful and later when Alec is unwhammied hes so guilty he doesn't want to even touch Magnus but that's what Magnus needs most rn, touch and affection and reassurance and comfort, cue misunderstandings and more angst before the ultimate happy ending :)

again, ur mind........ the talent in this.... *girl in porn voice* it's so big

also this is tagged but just to make sure, trigger warning for mind control, abuse/child abuse mentions, self harm

ok maybe it starts like... they are together and alec has a headache or something as the control kicks in or something and he falls to the ground and magnus runs after him like what happened? and alec's like "something's wrong, magnus, stay away" but magnus is too worried so he doesnt listen and he touches alec and alec hits him

and for a second he thinks it's because he went too far and touched alec without consent and his mind is flashing with asmodeus and his words when he hit him, and memories and for a second he barely knows where he is and what is happening and who is who. and because this is happening slowly alec screams "something is controlling me!" because he knows soon he'll be like possessed completely and he wants to apologize but he knows it's more important to let magnus know what's happening first. and sure enough soon a Demonic Voice overtakes him and his alec is obviously gone

and it's quickly resolved because magnus is 1- smart, and 2- powerful, and clearly the spell whomstever was using on alec was not super strong lmao. maybe someone who was trying to get to magnus for some reason? so like, extra spice because magnus feels guilty - he knows all too well what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, to see yourself as a monster, to have nightmares about being forced to hurt the people you love- 

and alec of course is drowning drowning drowning in guilt as well because he hurt magnus, it's the one thing he remembers before losing control, he hurt magnus when he was supposed to protect him, and he knows magnus has history with abuse, and he could clearly see the way that magnus lost himself in a flashback for a second, he triggered him and he became the people he had always sworn he'd never be, that he'd help him forget, and he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus

and he feels so stupid because he hadn't even realized something was wrong before it was too fucking late, and he had enough control to scream at him, but not to hold himself back? what kind of bullshit is that? he feels like a failure and he blames himself and he wants to scratch his own skin off, make himself bleed because he failed the one person he loved the most, again, and he doesn't deserve magnus if he can't help him

so basically like as soon as magnus manages to undo the spell and they are done Finding The Culprit and Resolving The Plot alec is just like. completely retracted in himself. already scratching his hands in a similar way to what he did when magnus was in the hospital, fists tight and hurting, and usually magnus would notice that, but all he sees is the rage burning within alec, that terrifying anger that he shows sometimes and after alec hurt him... it's scary

and because the person who did this was trying to get to him, he feels like that's his fault, too. he dragged alec into this mess and he was too much again, and he's nothing but a burden to the people he loves and he knows how alec feels like he needs to be in control of things, how if he doesn't he loses his footing, and losing control of his body is the most terrifying experience - magnus would know - and he brought this on alec and didn't even notice when he's the warlock, he should be able to have noticed the spell, he could have stopped this whole thing from happening but he didn't and things could have been so much worse, all because he wasn't paying attention as always, and god, he hurt someone he loved, didn't he? again. he's like an omen, bringing pain and death and hurt to everyone around him, he's cursed-

and alec pretty much leaves immediately with some bullshit excuse about needing something, and magnus tries to call for him, but alec is gone in an instant and ignores magnus. and magnus is just unleashing the spiral he had been keeping at bay and contained while he was figuring out the solution for this, and he just had a horrible flashback moment and the voice of his father is running free around his head, telling him everything about how he's not good enough, not powerful enough, how he'll never have anyone because he's a demon and this is what he was made to, to hurt, and he might try to pretend otherwise but in the end it will always come back to this; so he's in a bad mental state to not realize what he otherwise would immediately - alec is blaming himself, of course he is - and just sees that he's angry and leaves. and then he's alone with his thoughts screaming at him that he keeps bringing pain to the people he loves, that he's useless, evil even, that his father was right, that camille was right

and maybe he knows deep down that alec wouldn't blame him for this but he still can't help but think that eventually alec would grow tired of him and why not now? what does magnus even have to offer him, except for baggage and pain?

and he can't help but think, what if it happens again? what if that was just the first time and soon enough alec will become camille just like he always feared his next lover would? and then he feels guilty for even thinking that, because of course alec wouldn't, and this wasn't his fault, and magnus should be able to get over it instead of spiralling like that and acting like alec had done something wrong when he knows alec got the worst position in that situation

and alec is just shooting arrows all night, letting his hands bleed and hurt and also doing his best to train, because he needs to do better, he needs to be stronger and he can't keep letting this happen because last time it was irreversible. and he's thankful this time wasn't like that but this is unacceptable and god, he hurt magnus

he probably only comes back home the next day and magnus doesn't sleep at all that night because fuck, he fucked up. he didn't notice and he let this happen to alec and then he was a baby about it and mentally compared him to camille and basically blamed alec for all of that and alec didn't even come back home. maybe this time he's done forever, maybe alec's tired of him, maybe this will be the one thing they never manage to overcome, because alec will blame himself and magnus can't pull his shit back together to support him, and god alec will blame himself and god last time this happened magnus had to take him off the ledge, and alec promised he would tell him if things ever got that bad but how could alec even trust him right now, what if he's gone, magnus didn't even check up on him, he was too busy worrying about himself like some fucking asshole

and like he knows alec is alive because he can sense him with magic even if faintly but he still has that moment of panic and maybe alec isn't ok and he doesn't know but what right does magnus have to track him down right now? what good could he even do? it would be overbearing and unfair to go after him, alec obviously doesn't want his company right now

so when alec finally comes home the next day magnus is like "alexander" relieved and worried at the same time and he kind of runs to him but alec stays still so he pauses when he stops, hand even hovering mid-air, clearly hesitant and afraid to touch him and alec thinks, he's scared of me, look at what you did, he can't even trust you enough to touch you. and because alec doesn't touch him either and just seems closed off, magnus thinks, you can't fix this. it's all your fault and he'll never open up to you again. you're done

and then more guilt because he thinks, alec is not camille, he's not withholding touching me as punishment, why can't i stop acting like this is his fault? what's wrong with me? just talk. but he can't because he's terrified and there's so much going on in his head and then he feels worse because he can't just do the right thing and communicate, again, when clearly he should be the one to bring this up and make sure alec knows it wasn't his fault, and apologize for not being there for him

and maybe alec has that moment of "maybe i should just... go" and then magnus tries to stop him like "no, don't, please" because he's scared if this goes on for longer he'll just spiral harder and then he'll lose alec for good. and in the process he touches alec and alec recoils like he's been burned and magnus freezes completely and the sudden movement makes his eyes widen for a second and there's this almost imperceptible flinch and then again the guilt because 1- he touched alec without consent and warranted this reaction; 2- alec doesn't even want to touch him and he could have prevented this; 3- he's acting like alec would just become his abusers again. why the hell did he flinch?

and alec goes "i'm sorry", and magnus almost interrupts in his haste to be like "no, no, no, don't be sorry" almost begging him and that's when it hits alec that magnus has probably been spiralling this whole time too. and he wasn't there for him when magnus obviously needed comfort after such a traumatic experience. fuck he's fucking this up even more

so magnus can see the spiral in alec's eyes and he's like "no, come on, sit down, it's alright" and offers him like tea or something and his hands are shaking a bit because he wants to fix this and they both do really. cue awkward "im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im-"

anyway they both talk about what they had been thinking and the guilt and the spirals and (in magnus' case) the whole thing about being triggered and not knowing how to deal with that and they clear the air and reassure each other because they are healthy and communicate and we stan that. sometimes just talking about the pain and reassuring each other is enough, you know?

and like alec holds magnus' face tenderly where he had hit him and very slowly leans down to give it a kiss and strokes it a bit and magnus takes alec's hand/fist and gives it a kiss too and slowly heals his knuckles and alec smiles up at him in the way he does and magnus' eyes shine too when he asks "better?" all hopeful like it really matters to him you know

and just alec peppering kisses on magnus' face and magnus kind of nuzzling against his hand and they both get that comfort of touching and knowing that they're still welcomed for each other and they have a Really Long Hug. complete with alec's face buried in magnus' shoulders and magnus clutching him a bit and it's almost smothering for them both but it's what they both need you know. and they whisper to each other "it's ok" and "i love you" and all that nice stuff 👌

anyway this is REALLY LONG so im ending it now im just obsessed with the mental image of alec kissing magnus' face and magnus' kissing his hand bye. also i love this ask ugh we stan mind control angst

[hellhoundsprey]

newest radioco insta post!jensen / alex + muscle worship, beard kink, semi-cocky yet soft reassuring yet also kinda dom jensen

Requests are NOT open rn but I came back from a week-long vacation and need some warmup and this was still in my inbox from the last round (and I try to catch up with those but I don’t always succeed but I keep them for special times like these). Also yes hello I’m so very here for this.

warnings: age difference, unsafe sex

includes: pwp, trans character

Things like this don’t just…happen.

So, Alex is not sure what deity exactly he has to thank for this. Whose attention he caught to get this supernaturally lucky.

Stuck with desperately trying to remember how to breathe right, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Squeezes them and oh, yeah, he’s holding his own legs; right. Right.

Jensen says, “You okay?” in the pressing tone of someone who’s asked before but didn’t get an answer yet.

“Y-yeah? Yeah,” and Jensen kisses him, then, on the mouth. And if he were anyone but himself, if this wasn’t Jensen fucking Ackles going ass to mouth with him this carelessly, this would be the time for him to start throwing punches. At the very least.

As is, though, Alex catches himself groaning, catches himself sucking at Jensen’s wet nasty mouth and getting teary-eyed with the scratch of Jensen’s beard. With the sharp edges of Jensen’s teeth grazing his lips, casually nipping him like yeah no big deal, and if he’s not getting his dick out anytime soon, Alex is gonna cry for real.

Jensen laughs at his honest, “Fuck me,” dismissive and asshole-ish and Alex pulls at him in childish protest, childish impatience. Quiet, wet, “Please?” and Jensen licks deeper into his mouth for that one.

Tugs Alex closer to the edge of the table; is gonna ruin his fucking expensive jeans with the general mess going on between Alex’ legs and yeah yup Alex is gonna cry, he is.

Low, encouraging, “You want that?” and Alex nods, stupid, too-eager, and Jensen smiles, bright enough that Alex can see it despite their faces being so close.

It’s too quick then, or he’s too slow—because Jensen’s reached between them and there’s not even much of a sound of that zipper going down, but Alex feels him whipping it out and his mouth would drop if Jensen wasn’t so busy stuffing him with his tongue.

Finally gets a chance to mutter, “Oh god, oh god,” with Jensen slicking himself up, fucking raw, and he asks, “This okay?” and Alex sobs, “Uh-huh,” because he’s stupid and God, fuck, he wants it.

Jensen lines up and starts pushing into him with such practice and ease that Alex forgets about his bodily form altogether, chokes back all noise and hangs onto Jensen’s neck, his massive shoulders.

The late afternoon sun breaks through the slits of the blinds all orange and heated, and Jensen makes the softest, the most delicate sound from deep down his chest, and Alex notices that he’s got one of his legs hiked all the way over that bulging-with-power arm.

Another heartbreak-sound for Jensen bottoming out, and Alex can’t tell which one of them was the source of that.

“Jesus Christ,” and that’s Jensen.

Alex thinks Alex has an appropriate response, anything, but Jensen rolls his hips and he kinda loses what little vocabulary he’s had left.

Gets Jensen’s not-somehow-angling-Alex’-leg-out hand curled around his throat, and Jensen’s frowning, now, deep and sweating and eyes closed and leaning in to kiss Alex again, and Alex’ breath hitches because oh God it’s deep, and he feels himself swallowing against the baby-pressure of Jensen’s palm, and, oh, God.

Jensen pumps into him with as much confidence as he used eating him out, too fast too quick and maybe he’s hot for it, too, needs it just as bad as Alex and Alex reels, sobs; gets a hand between them to work himself while Jensen reams him out like they’re in a true hurry. Which they are, but they locked the door, didn’t they?

Sobbed moan, and Jensen fastens his hand some more, slams his cock home harder.

Low-growled, “This what you wanted?” and Alex just nods, whimpers, with his arm working hard and his sweat flowing even harder. Smells himself, Jensen; their BO, the dust-free too-expensive room.

Alex comes hard, and Jensen takes that as an invitation to reposition his hand from throat to hip, handle Alex even easier and pulls him back onto his cock at a punishing, frantic pace that leaves Alex sobbing, gasping for air; he grabs the table for support instead of getting himself off further and just lets this happen, lets Jensen ride out the last bits of what he can tell is a clenching mess. Blinks stupid and he should wipe at the drool in the corner of his mouth but he can’t, absolutely not.

Jensen grabs at Alex shirt and pushes it up, out of the way, and Alex will be extremely grateful that he’s sensible enough to pull out, after. Disappointed, now, in the heat of the moment, still catching his breath while Jensen grunts with his hand working himself through his own orgasm, with the plentiful mess spilling all over Alex still-heaving belly.

Thick, “Fuck,” while Alex is still pretty much out of language, while Jensen’s load cools shockingly fast on his exposed stomach. Jensen plucks his cap off his head to rake through his hair once, comb it back, just to pull it back on, lean in, kiss Alex on the mouth again. “Fuck, kid. Holy shit.”

Alex’ leg is flirting with a cramp just as Jensen gets his fingers back between his legs, slips his fingers right over the soaked heat of his cock and Alex flinches, weakly, babbles, “Jensen,” but the rest gets drowned out—in Jensen’s mouth, Jensen’s beard.

Jensen gets him off again. Has him flat on the table, on his back, and wrangles two fingers up his used-up pussy, two up his ass, before he’s even done coming down. Alex babbles nonsense up against the roughness of Jensen’s beard, Jensen’s movie star teeth, and Jensen asks him something and of course he says yes, doesn’t have to know, just yes.

Barks, confused, once Jensen pushes his cock up his ass next, though. Gets shushed and fucked into deeper, gets Jensen’s mouth and weight and pulls him in, wills himself open and relaxed as far as he has any say in the matter. Makes Jensen purr, makes him grind his cock deep and then deeper and whispered sweet things like, “Good boy, Alex,” and maybe Alex begs uhm offers for Jensen to come in his ass this time because Jensen confides, “That’s the plan, bud,” and Alex has had some good anal in his time, yeah, but this is just, it’s, he can’t.

Something about this being this weird worshipping idol crazy fantasy kinda thing, and Jensen living up to all the expectations and whatnot, but, oh, holy shit.

Jensen gets him off with just the strict rhythm of his tucked thumb, the gut-deep heat of his bare cock. Doesn’t stop with his holy/cursed thumb even when Alex begins to whimper and toss, just pleads, “Let me,” so Alex lets him—work him to the oversensitive edge of his sanity while he pounds into his ass faster and harder, slap of skin on skin until his breath hitches, all sweet, all buried deep, and he lets go. Comes deep and hot and Alex shudders in sympathy, curls his fingers into the soaked hairline of Jensen fucking Ackles while he’s loading him up like some porn star, some grade A stud or something and it’s ridiculous, and he’s probably only dreaming, but wow, you know what, he’ll take it.

Jensen comes down like he does everything—elegantly. Sighs and allows Alex to wipe the sweat from his face, to search out the jut of his cheekbones and the soft wrinkles around his eyes; the tuft of his beard. Allows to be pulled down for another kiss, and while Alex can’t remember him pulling out or being transferred to the nearby couch, he blinks awake stupid and semi-cleaned. Babbles, “Whu?” but Jensen’s still there, on his phone and with a beer at his mouth and he nods, says, “Hey,” and, “You all right?” and Alex just nods, still down, still pleasantly paralyzed from the hips down.

The sun begins to set, somewhere, outside. A too-warm breeze whistles through the curtains, and Alex would be mad if the AC wasn’t working so beautifully nevertheless.

Alex only half-startles for the slip and thud of his sandal from his socked feet onto the white marble tiles of the room. He’s too lost in the sight of Jensen, right there, propped up on the couch and he’s not even trying to be this beautiful, and that makes things even worse.

Jesus, he’s in a bad way.

“Jared’s asking if we’re up for a pub crawl,” and Alex has to wait out a couple of beats until he realizes he’s being addressed with this not-a-question question. Jensen finally raises his eyebrows. “You up for it, or?”

Alex croaks, “Uh, yeah, sure,” and hopes he looks at least somewhat sophisticated with how he props his cheek on his knuckles.

[messyworldfanfictions]

Kinda weird request but I'm really sick rn, can u request daddy Martin and the reader being a bratty sub but the reader is sick with a head cold so Martin is trying to ease her symptoms w/ sexual stimulation (fun fact, sex helps relieve the common cold!) but the reader is pushing her luck and getting really bratty so daddy has to get ~very firm with her

Pairing: Martin Whitly x reader , Martin Whitly x you

Warnings: Vaginal fingering, Dom/sub, oral sex, orgasm, bratty subs, daddy kink, latex kink, …

A Notes: Hi anon & others, hope you’ll like it !

Constructive criticism are welcome, English is not my first language so I apologize for possible mistakes. If you see errors, please tell me! :)

Have fun !

You can add you to the tag list here

****************************************************************************************************

You were lying in your bed, your body covered with black silk blankets, your nose red from the irritation of the kleenex you used all day long. A terrible headache was piercing your skull and every time you sneezed it was worse. You had asked Martin not to go to work because you wanted him to stay with you, but he didn’t give in to your whim despite your supplications and threats to sulk. He told you that you were not a child and that you could stay alone and take your medication. 

But you’d been taking these meds for a week and your health hadn’t really improved, you hated taking them. The syrup was disgusting, it tasted like minty pepper and the pills you had to take were so big that they hurt your throat when you swallowed them. Today you decided not to take them, you wanted to show Martin that if he didn’t take care of you, you weren’t going to do it for him. 

You heard the front door slam, Martin had just come home and you could hear his footsteps walking up the stairs to your room. The door opened quietly and Martin entered, still dressed in his white doctor’s outfit.

« So Y/N, how do you feel? " he asked as he closed the door, putting his bags on the small table in the corner of the room. The room was poorly lit and it was already dark outside, so he moved closer to the bed to get a better view of you.

You were staring at the wall in front of you, avoiding his gaze. You pretended he didn’t exist, completely ignoring his question.

He sighed and sat on the bed next to you. “How long are you going to sulk? "He was staring at you, you could feel his eyes on your face.

*Silence*

He sighed in irritation and grabbed your chin, forcing you to turn your head towards him, you tried to resist but his grip was too strong and the pressure on your chin started to hurt. You let out a whimper of pain and protest and you finally looked at him with furrowed brows. 

« You better stop acting up, right now. » Martin said in a warning tone.

"Or what? Are you going to spank me ? ” You replied sarcastically, you knew he couldn’t physically punish you because you were too sick. He was staring at you, emotionless, not even a hint of anger. You know he’s trying to maintain control. His grip loosened around your chin and you pulled away, turning your face to the wall in front of you.

“ I am going to give you your medicine,” he said as he got up from the bed, walking to the little box where your pills from this morning were. A little grin appeared on your lips, you couldn’t wait to see his reaction when he saw that you hadn’t taken his damn meds. “I’ll put tomorrow’s pills in the…”   he didn’t finish his sentence, you didn’t look at him, but you were convinced he just saw that you hadn’t taken your medication. He was standing still and staring at the little box full of pills. 

You slowly turned your head towards him, he decided to look into your eyes and innocently you asked him « What ? A problem, Daddy ?“

You could see his jaw tightening. He smashed the box hard against the table, the sudden noise made you jump. He began to walk towards you until he was inches from the bed.

"Don’t play that game with me, little one. You know you’ll lose. ” he spoke in a stern voice.

You lower your head so he couldn’t see the expression on your face, he was intimidating you.

“Why didn’t you take them ? ” he asked, impatience reflected in his voice.

Still with your head lowered, “Because …”, you said hesitantly, “because I hate it, the pills are too big, and the syrup is not good,” you answered timidly, crossing your arms on your chest with an embarrassed expression on your face.

He raised a surprised eyebrow, “Are you sure there isn’t something else? "  He accused.

"No. » You lied.

"You really are a bad liar, you know daddy don’t like it when you lie, it makes daddy angry. ” he said as he sat on the bed, brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear. “Is this what you want? To make me angry? Admit it. ” he asked as he bites his lip, sliding his index finger along your chin.

“Yes…” you murmured coyly, nodding your head. “I wanted to… Punish you because you didn’t stay with me” your eyes resting on the black silk blanket.

You looked up at his face, he was smiling. “Punish me? ” he mocked. “The only thing you’re doing is punishing yourself because you’re still going to have to take them now, and I’m going to make you swallow them. »  

Your face twisted in a grimace of disgust "Nooooo, daddy please… I don’t want to take them! They aren’t working anyway! ” as you complained, Martin had got up to take the syrup, the spoon and your pills that were on the table. He sat on the bed next to you, ignoring your pleas. He poured some syrup into the spoon and gently brought it to your mouth, but you turned your head with a grumpy expression on your face.

“Y/n…” he warned. “If you don’t open your mouth, I’ll make you open it myself. "he said in a stern tone.

You shrugged.

"Fine” he growled, grabbing a firm grip in your hair, you opened your mouth in surprise and he pushed the spoon into your mouth, pouring the red liquid into your mouth and forcing it down your throat. He released your hair the next second. “Don’t shrug at me ever again, you understand? I said I won’t punish you because you’re sick, but if you insist, I can change my mind?.” He punctuated his words by grabbing your thigh firmly under the blanket.

You loved the punishments Martin gave you when you teased him, but there was one you hated and he knew it … Once you were very impolite to him and as a punishment he tied you to the bed and smacked you on your thighs again and again. You hated this punishment, that was very painful and you didn’t take any pleasure from it. Feeling his hand squeezed on your thigh, you knew he was threatening you to do it again.

“NO! …N-no, I’m sorry Daddy…” you said in a hurry, begging him with your eyes.

He removed his hand, took the pill and presented it in front of your mouth, that you kept closed. You looked at the pill and then you looked at Martin. He sighed impatiently, “You don’t want me to force it down your throat, do you? » 

You opened your mouth, resigned and he put the pill between your lips and gave you some water to swallow it.

He stroked your hair, kissing your forehead and stood up « See ? It wasn’t that difficult. » He gave you a soft smile. "The medication are working, it just takes a bit of time to start working. I’m going to make you feel better, for tonight at least. ” he said, pulling the blanket away, you were wearing a long t-shirt that was way too large for you and it was halfway up your thigh. He smiled when he realized you were wearing his shirt, he thought it was pretty cute.

Your face was a sulky pout, he moved his hand over your thigh and stroked it with his fingertips going towards your inner thigh. “Are you sure this is going to work, Daddy? I’m not really in the mood…” You asked innocently.

He looked into your eyes and put his index finger to his lips and shushed you. He gently grabbed you by your forearms and pulled you down so that you were well pressed into the mattress. His hand continued its way up your thigh before touching the white fabric that separated his soft fingers from your private parts. He moved his hand away and whispered, “I’m going to get something, when I come back, I don’t want to see a single piece of clothing on your body, is that clear? » 

"Yes daddy. ” you nodded. He got up and left the room.

A few minutes later, you were naked, lying on the bed, your body covered with chills because you were cold. Martin had just entered the room and you noticed that he was wearing latex gloves, the ones he used at work. He also had a tube with a transparent liquid inside. You were a little nervous because you didn’t know why he had put those gloves on. 

When he sat on the bed you couldn’t help but ask him in a hesitant voice “D-Daddy, w-why are you wearing this and…” but before you could say another word he pressed his hand against your mouth. “You are being very difficult today. I’ll take care of you, just relax. If you ask one more question, I’ll gag you. ” he whispered with a smile.

It was tempting to disobey him, you loved it when he gagged you, it was your favorite punishment with a good spanking. But you decided not to upset him.

Martin caressed your face with one hand while the other touched your thigh. Martin’s thumb traced your lower lip and you letting out a shaky breath. His index finger pressed past your lips into your wet mouth. You closed your lips around his fingers, gently rubbing your tongue along the soft skin. 

His hand slipped from your thigh to your womanhood and you felt his fingers tickling your entrance as you were still sucking his finger. Suddenly he pressed his thumb on your sensitive spot and you moaned.

“Already so wet for me, I knew you would like it. ” he whispered.

You began to move your hips, hoping his fingers would accelerate, but he grabbed your hips and pushed them firmly against the mattress. “Don’t move, let me do it,” he ordered.

After playing with your little piece of nerves for a few minutes, Martin dipped a finger inside of your wet pussy, and you gasped as he began fingering you slowly. You were now shivering in pleasure, the coldness had turned into warmth, and it was running through your whole body. 

You whimpered as he added another finger, using his thumb to rub your clit. He took his index finger out of your mouth and took the tube filled with the transparent liquid, he took some of the liquid and gently put it on your vulva, it was lube. You felt his two fingers penetrating you again and again and you hoped that he would insert a third and your wish was granted. You moaned and he stayed still for a few seconds as your flesh adjusted to the intrusion, And he began to come and go faster and faster. The feeling of the latex inside your hole was exquisite.

You wanted to touch him, to feel his hardness, so your hand touched his thigh to reach up to his cock but before you could succeed, he grabbed your wrist firmly. 

« No, you don’t touch me tonight, just relax and let me take care of you. » he ordered.

« Daddy… let me suck your cock, I want it… » you practically begged, still trying to touch his cock but he slapped your hand.

“Sh-sh-sh-sh, what did I say? If you do it again I’ll be forced to tie you up. "He warned.

You smiled defiantly at him, and with a quick gesture you grabbed his bulge and started stroking him through his pants. Suddenly he grabbed your wrists, "You insolent brat. "he growled and grabbed a rope next to the bed and tied your wrists to the headboard. He leaned towards your ear and whispered, "We’ll talk about your punishment later. » 

He positioned his face between your legs and pushed his three fingers brutally into your wet entrance, you moaned in pain at this intrusion "If you hadn’t been so cocky I wouldn’t have done this, now shut up and feel. » 

Your stomach burned as the tip of his tongue meandered around your button, slowly pushing his fingers into you as he alternated between sucking and lapping at your clit. You could feel his salt and pepper beard against your sensitive skin. You wanted to touch his soft curls while he was pleasing you, but you were restrained and it was so frustrating…You moaned loudly and bucked your hips onto his fingers that huddled against your walls. Your chest heaved as your thighs started to shake on either side of his face, suddenly you felt a wave of pleasure washing over you. Your orgasm started to explose through your body, you could feel your wet cunt clenching around his fingers as they slowed down, prolonging your pleasure. He slowly removed himself from between your legs. Your breathing was deep and heavy, you were trying to catch your breath.

He smiled at you, and you smiled back at him. You felt much better, your headache was gone and you felt much more relaxed.

« Sleep now, love. » Martine said, brushing his lips over your forehead. 

« Thank you, daddy » you sighed, curling you in the blankets

[idreamofinsanity]

Dreams: My husband and I travel to Florida, then other dimensions

I dreamt about a 3 day visit to Florida that became a dimension hopping, lucid dream adventure.  

Little bit of background for why I think I was having this dream: in real life, my husband has a work thing planned for Florida, and he initially thought he could take me with him. Something like that happened earlier last year, and we got to go see a rocket launch together. Now, due to transport plans getting changed, I don’t get to go. I think my brain drew on my anticipation and disappointment as the inspiration for the Florida part.  I’m almost certain that in the dream we flew there with only carry ons because that’s what we ended up doing when we had to unexpectedly fly to go to my little brother’s memorial service about 3 weeks ago...  Basically, there’s been a lot of traveling related things on my mind recently, so the beginning isn’t too surprising.  In the dream we were only in Florida (probably around the Coco Beach area) for 3 days. For some reason we were at this big, fancy hotel we were staying at? Dunno why my brain was like, “Oh, yeah, you guys would TOTALLY shill out this kind of money during this trip,” because we certainly would NOT. Anyway, while exploring this crazy big hotel with all kinds of interesting stuff going on in it, I came across my college Latin professor. I remember chatting with him, and him giving me advice, but I... don’t remember what we said.  We also saw a friend from college named Paul who lives in Florida now, though he doesn’t live near where we were supposedly visiting. (I was initially confused as to why he was showing up in my dream about Florida at ALL, but thought about it while typing this out, and realized him living there made it make more sense.) I think we saw him right out of the airport (maybe picking us up?), some time “in the middle” of our trip, and then he also saw us off at the airport again.  I don’t remember there being much to the trip besides walking around and seeing stuff like we did when we were there IRL, but one “scene” stands out in my memory more. It was the last day, and we’d decided to go to the beach just to kind of... chill there. We found some food shack that was nearly at the water, ordered some food there, and I went out to dip my feet in the ocean while my husband waited on our meal and watched me. I ended up coming right back out of the water, though, because there was some weird slime mold out there. I was like, “Ah, right. As everything dies from global warming, the mold is actually getting way worse.” Thought about that like it was a freaking obvious fact of life. I wasn’t gonna let that stop me from enjoying myself, though, so I sat in the sand, closed my eyes, and just... listened to the sound of the ocean. When I opened my eyes, the sky over the ocean was darkening in dusk, so I stood, brushed myself off, and headed over to rejoin my husband.  The next thing I really remember with clarity is being in the airport, carrying around our carry ons. I particularly recall a moving walk way that led to a section with food places and little shops. I think... I think this was when I realized I was dreaming.  All this reminded me of the last time we’d flown, and how it was for my brother...  Strange as this is, the last time I had a lucid dream--only the SECOND TIME I ever remembered a lucid dream--my brother had been in it. We’d been running from some people or something, and he and I had grabbed a car that I’d changed into this awesome looking red convertible (because lucid dreaming). That’s not the dream I want to record right now, though, so suffice to say, the moment in the airport was the moment in the dream that I probably mentally tried to “check” if I could alter reality.  From there, there’s just a direct “chop” in what happens in the story. The next thing I remember is traveling down some really clean looking sewers and coming across the freaking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In order to make sure they trust me, I make myself look like a female Mutant Ninja Turtle. Upon seeing me, they, of course, barrage me with questions while ushering me to the entrance of their hideout. Near the entrance is a FIFTH turtle with a red bandana over his eyes; his most prominent feature is that he’s about half the size of the brothers.  I approach him and go, “My husband told me about you,” without thinking about how the brother turtles can hear me.  They start asking questions related to my husband, and I end up having to tell them he’s a human. After answering some more questions, I’m able to talk with the Fifth Turtle Guy some more, looking him over and trying to assess what happened to him. He eventually asks me either if I know how this happened to him or if I can fix it? I can’t remember (I’m leaning towards the former, though). All I know is I had to tell him “No, I’m sorry,” with great disappointment for both of us.  At about that point, my husband shows up, coming from behind me. I think I say his name, and he’s able to tell for whatever reason that it’s me. He then gives me a kiss on the lips, and I’m all slightly confused and really embarrassed because he kissed me in front of people but also I’M A TURTLE PERSON??? Like, honey, you didn’t have to do that.  Anyway, we talk briefly about the Fifth Turtle, and then the next thing I remember is us being attacked by these two goons. Like, stereotypical cartoon buff guys in black 3 piece suits. The best part, though? One is, like, 7 feet tall, and the other is, like, between 3 and 4 feet tall, and, I must re-emphasize, BOTH ARE SUPER BUFF.  So eventually we get separated from the TMNT group, and I end up in a kitchen area with my husband (maybe in the TMNT base). I think I use my mind powers to shove a BIG double-doored fridge in front of the entrance, but I honestly don’t know. All I know for sure is the tall guy was after my husband and me, so I changed back into my human self, something got all over the inside of the fridge, and I tried making it clean again with my powers. For some reason, I could only get the inside partially cleaned, and I kind of got fixated on trying to clean it, like, “It’s okay, I just need to visualize it as being clean, and it will be!” It didn’t work, though, because I kept thinking of it as slightly dirty... until my husband was like, “Hey, can you stop dealing with that and deal with the HULKING BAD GUY TRYING TO BREAK OUR BARRICADE???”  So then I go over to this tall guy’s very long arm and grab it to keep him from hitting my husband or doing more damage. I then remember how my real husband in real life had jokingly tugged on my arm the day before and was like, “Huh, why’s it not coming off?” as a joke, and then I’m like, “Yeah, I’m gonna rip this Dream Realm goon’s arm off.” I then proceed to alter reality as I pull on this guy’s arm, and, over the course of about 5 seconds, RIP THIS GUY’S ARM OFF AT THE SHOULDER, LAYER BY LAYER.  He yells in pain, understandably, but I’m not a completely cruel god, so I made sure that he didn’t lose blood and that his shoulder instantly healed over... well, heals over the course of about 5 seconds. He backs off as his meat and skin heal over his shoulder (and to clarify his right arm is gone and definitely in my arms now). This goon--in the face of a power he cannot comprehend--comes back, sticks his head through the hole in the barricade and tries shoving his way through with the help of his remaining limbs.  Apparently one for not letting a BEAUTIFUL opportunity go, I turn his arm around and slap him with it. This does NOT deter the absolutely CRAZY goon, and he keeps going, finally pushing down what’s left of our barricade. I conclude that the limp slap was just not gonna cut it, so I use my powers to harden the flesh to, like, metal, and deliver multiple slaps, caving his head in as he turned to run.  At that point, his small goon buddy comes into the open space outside the kitchen, sees me, and seems like he’s about to attack me. I just look at him as he’s circling me, while I’m still ARMED with the weapon I used to take down his comrade, and I’m just like, “Do you not see this dude on the floor?! I will totally do the same thing to you if you come at me.” I’m not too sure what happens at that point, but I definitely remember freezing the short goon in time or something. I then try to figure out where they came from and discover a mind control on them. I actually feel really bad about it, so I decide to try breaking the control... by turning them into muppets? Like, felted, stuffed animal caricatures of their fleshy selves. (Can’t brain control with no brain?) I also definitely reattach the tall goon’s arm.  After all that, I get the feeling the goons end up working for me? For some reason? It’s weird.  Anyway, I take my husband and we exit that dimension and jump into another one for some reason? I feel like there were things we were trying to accomplish, but I don’t recall them. I also think I remember my husband making a comment about how this new dimension was a version of reality where Jesus didn’t happen? Or Christianity didn’t take off as being popular? I can’t remember the specifics, but it’s especially confusing that he’d say that because I definitely ended up in a catholic church (or a church with the same aesthetics and priest stuff as a catholic church). The weird thing was that there was a large sanctuary, but then also a smaller room with pews and a confession booth in another part of the building. I ended up being naked at some point when I was in the building (I think because any time I have a “oh crap no clothes!” dream, it’s always a church, so my brain must be like, “In a church? Time for no clothes!”). Anyway, I try avoiding the main sanctuary and end up in this small Pew Room with a bunch of old ladies in it.  They’re all aghast at my nakedness, and I then go, “Wait, I’m still dreaming. What am I letting this nonsense dream dictate that I’m gonna be embarrassed rn??” So I just alter the dream to have me in a night gown while holding my change of clothes and change the women��s memories to that of this simple gown. To them, the emotional reaction of shock is still there, but now they want to help me get into decent clothes. One of them suggests getting dressed in the confessional booth but that I should check to see if Priest [name] is in there because, even tho he’s not supposed to be in there yet, sometimes he shows up early. I can only check by looking through a foggy glass on the priest side, though, and it takes me a moment to see that, yeah, the priest is in there.  So I leave the... minituary? and make for a bathroom where I get my proper clothes on.  I eventually meet back up with my husband, and some other stuff happens that I can’t remember.  Then we hop over to another dimension where there’s some really famous school? I think? I only remember that I separated from my husband (again), and wander around what seemed to be a campus. I go down a smaller side walkway and see a boy and girl playing, maybe around 8 years old... I think. The girl wins the game, and the boy pushes her down, saying how his family is rich and influential, and he’ll make sure her life was miserable from then on for beating him. I decide to intervene, grabbing the boy and telling him that what he just did was wrong. He jeers at me, basically being like, “And what are you gonna do about it?”  At that point, I decide this boy had never been spanked in his life, and I need to change that (which is weird because I’ve never in my adult life hit a child, and I decided a long time ago I’d do my best to avoid it). Maybe it’s because I knew the boy was part of a dream, or it was because I was hoping to make myself into a greater force of antagonism in this boys life so that he’d forget and leave the girl alone? I definitely remember thinking the former... I just don’t know if it was quite at that point? Anyway, I spank him five times, not hard or anything--just enough to sting. I then run him out of the alley and check on the girl, healing her bruises and scrapes from where the boy’s assault had hurt her.  I don’t quite remember what happened with her or what exactly happened following the exchange, just that the boy eventually comes back to the front of the alleyway and, brandishing as large of a branch as he can yield, issues a challenge against me. (What was kind of weird was that he’d gone from looking like he was around 8, to looking like he was now around 12... Time traveling might have been involved, but, like, huh??) I think he thought he could come at me while I was surprised and unarmed, but the boy didn’t know I could summon a branch just as large and sturdy as his own. After doing so, I start approaching him with my own branch in hand, and he darts away, down towards a large, probably 100 ft tree (I assumed he’d gotten the branch off the ground around it). To his credit, when he sees I’m still advancing, he turns to face me and fight. We actually have a pretty decent battle, but ultimately his downfall is that he used his branch as a sword, while I used my branch to its full extent as a fighting staff.  He doesn’t like that I bested him and called me a cheat, making comments about how his family would find me and ruin not only my life, but the lives of everyone I love. At that point, I’ve had enough of his sniveling and poor sportsmanships, and straight up lift him with my mind. He hovers there, obviously scared out of his mind, as I give him a lecture on how he needs to learn how to be a better loser, and stuff about using his family’s influence for evil, petty revenge is disgusting. I wrap it up by saying if he ever pulls this kind of awful behavior again, I’ll come back for him, and, as he could see, I’m more powerful than anything his family’s money could do for him. Then, for good measure, I change the chemistry in his brain so that he won’t lash out with such awful aggression. I then let him down, and he runs off.  It didn’t occur to me until that moment, but I’d done that out in the full view of a few buildings and a main street. I just have a moment of “Eh, whatever. I’m too powerful to care right now. This isn’t even my dimension.”  I think I then leave the dimension and then jump back into it (the dimension "section” looked like a video game overworld man, btw) in order to get to be with my husband again. Might have complained about the boy? Something plot related might have happened, idk. I woke up not long after that. 

[the-sanders-sides]

Stereotypical High School Movie AU

Previous || Chapter 21 || ao3 

in case links aren’t working: previous - https://the-sanders-sides.tumblr.com/post/182230055491/stereotypical-high-school-movie-au  and ao3 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/10574736/chapters/41405801

summary: Virgil was the emo kid with a history with the school’s most popular clique. Logan was, for lack of a better word, a nerd, and Virgil’s best friend. Roman, however, remains a mystery within his allegiances: friend or foe, bully or genuine? And Patton’s their loving teacher, providing each one of his kids with the advice they need to face the biggest challenge of their life so far: high school. (endgame prinxiety)

chapter warnings/possible triggers: threats, anxiety attacks, bad relationship with parents

Ah, another weekend. The sun was shining on a beautiful Florida park, and sat there on the swing set at two in the afternoon was none other than the sides: Logan, Virgil, and Roman.

“Anx, how are you not overheating right now?” Logan remarked, leaning against the pole of the swing set, while Virgil and Roman took up the two swings.

“Nah, I'm used to the heat. My sweater is like my second skin now,” Virgil joked, swinging slowly.

“Oh my gosh! Both of you phrased that so, terribly wrong that it's impossible to make a jokingly flirty comment!” Roman exclaimed as he swung high enough to be almost at a right a angle with the swing set. Virgil shook his head.

“What, you wanted me to say ‘it’s hot’ so you could say ‘that’s ‘cause I'm here’?” Virgil snarled.

“As a matter of fact, that's not what I was going to say,” Roman replied and stuck out his tongue at Virgil. Logan rolled his eyes.

“Then what were you going to say?” Logan prompted.

“Well, Anx could've replied to your question by saying ‘I’m not hot’ and I would've said ‘See, that's why we're perfect together! You're chill and I'm flamin’,” Roman said and jumped off the swing landing softly on the ground. He turned around to loom at Virgil. “Wait, ‘Anx’ is okay, right?”

“Yes, Princey,” Virgil responded. Roman smiled.

“Perfect, we're the three musketeers! Princey, Anxiety, and Logic!” Roman cheered. Logan cocked an eyebrow.

“Logic?” Logan questioned.

“Oh, yeah! I call you that in my head, since you're super smart. I think it's a fitting nickname… Um, do you like it?” Roman asked apprehensively. Logan gave a curt nod.

“It’s very apt,” Logan declared. Roman laughed. Roman’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

Charlotte >> Roman

Ro, can we talk?

Charlotte >> Roman

I don't know who to believe

Roman >> Charlotte

Please trust me, Char.

Roman then typed out ‘They're no good. It took me a while to break out of their manipulation and mind games’ but ended up deleting that.

Roman >> Charlotte

Just hear me out. I'm at the park rn if you want to talk?

Charlotte >> Roman

Yeah, I'll be there

“Hey, um, heads up, I just invited Charlotte here so we can talk… about, well you know…,” Roman said as he looked up from his phone.

“Yeah, yeah, I know…,” Virgil responded, slowing down his swinging. “I don’t think I want to stick around for that though. I’m gonna take a walk.”

“Alright, have fun,” Roman responded, slightly disheartened that Virgil wasn’t staying as he waved the other boy off. Logan looked between his two friends trying to decide who to stay with. Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, Lo, you look like a lost puppy. Fine, I’ll stay!” Virgil complained. A slight blush spread on Logan’s cheeks.

“I am not a lost puppy! I just said that so you’d stay!” Logan said in that matter-of-factly way that made it very obvious he was lying and that although the outcome was desirable, it was definitely not intentional. Virgil oh so eloquently responded to Logan’s petulance by sticking out his tongue at Logic. Roman chortled and ended up snorting from laughter which in turn made the other two boys laugh, so that when Charlotte arrive, she was left upon a group of laughing teenagers who for the life of them, could not stop. At first, she was distressed, as the only thing on her mind was finding out the truth about the people in her life, but at the sight she cracked a small smile that grew, and ultimately, she joined in on the laughter too. Whenever the four were close to recovering, Roman just ended up snorting again and the other three would roar with laughter, thereupon Roman would laugh again as well.

It was pure serenity. It was pure happiness. It was pure trust.

“Y-You know, haha, I’ve never felt, hehe, like this with, haha, Wynne before. I think I believe you, Ro,” Charlotte gasped, struggling to speak through the laughs. Her statement lead the other three to calm down with an occasional hiccup of laughter echoing from one of them. “Also, I am going to destroy Wynne for outing you, Virgil,” Charlotte blushed, “Also, uh, sorry about that fling we had. If I had known you didn’t want it, I wouldn’t have...”

“N-No, I consented! But don’t kill Wynne. I-It’s not worth it. You’ll get in trouble,” Virgil pleaded.

“Like you guys won’t?” Charlotte argued.

“Charlotte, if I may, wouldn’t it be more productive to amend for the things that you did, that may not have necessarily been good things, rather than get revenge? I’ve learned that it’s no good to punish people in retribution. You’ll just end up being as bad as they are, right?” Logan proffered.

“Yeah… I guess you’re right. I think- I think I’m gonna go talk to Rashmi. And all my other exes. And the people who I cheated in school from. But mostly Rashmi. I miss her a lot and it’s been so long and you were there when we broke up, right Virgil? I was trying so hard to be better, but I couldn’t, and then I ruined it and I tried to make out with you, and ugh! I messed up, like, big time.” Roman smiled.

“Well then, now’s your time to be better like you wanted to. I- Good luck, Charlotte. If you ever need someone who gets what it’s like to be manipulated by someone like Wynne, I’m here,” Roman said.

“I’d be happy to be your friend,” Charlotte responded as she smiled and walked off.

That night, Logan and Virgil layed on the grass in Logan’s backwards staring at the stars hidden in light pollution. The bugs were hidden away and asleep, so it was just the two of them and the half moon. Virgil sighed.

“So, my dad’s back in town tomorrow. His business trip and whatnot bein’ over. I think, maybe I should tell him about that fight with Nurul, but I don’t wanna make him worry anymore,” Virgil wiped away the tears that began to well up, “But then it’s just- Our relationship is already so strained, and then being all like ‘Hey dad! The kids at school still hate me!’ may be a bit too much. But I just, I don’t know..,” Virgil quietly rambled. Logan hummed.

“Talking will help. Maybe not even about that, but just clear the air. Tell him that you care about him. I dunno, I’m not the one to ask about this. I have been deemed Logic and not Feelings, after all,” Logan joked.

“Mr. Feelings, what am I to do?” Virgil asked with an air of extravagance as he climbed on top of Logan acting like a damsel in distress. Logan laughed.

“I don’t know, Anxiety, perhaps your solution lies away from me! For I am not the good Mr. Feelings! I am the evil Mr. Logic, and I’ve got you under my spell!” Logan shouted as he rolled the two over so Logan was on the top now as he pinned Virgil down.

“Oh no! Whatever shall I do? There is no Princey here to save me!” Virgil announced as he mock fainted. Logan smiled and shook his head as he climbed off of Virgil. Logan’s phone fell out of his pocket and when he picked it up he saw a notification from the screen mirroring app that Wynne’s phone was currently in use. He unlocked his phone and looked at the texts Wynne was currently sending. They were to Nurul, and they were quite concerning.

Wynne >> Nurul

just stay out of my way, okay! ill take care of it.

Nurul >> Wynne

At least tell me how you’re going to get revenge.

Wynne >> Nurul

if we hurt virgil, we hurt logan more than if we got him directly. the dweeb cares too much.

Look. im gonna call virgils dad as the school and be all like ‘hey virgils dad your son started a fight and beat up an innocent kid, thought you should know!’

that’ll get anyone grounded. or worse.

Logan’s eyes widened. “Oh no. Oh shit, this is bad. Anx, look at this,” Logan panicked, shoving his phone in Virgil’s face.

“Woah, woah, Lo, calm down. It’s fine,” Virgil moved the phone away from his face to a distance where he could read the screen, “Never mind. Let’s panic. Oh fuck.” Logan twiddled with his glasses and began to speak at an unintelligible speed.

“We can- We can shut this down, right? It’s possible. Oh my gosh, Wynne is right. Haha, I love caring more about my friends more than myself. Okay anyway. Ummm. We could block the signal? No, i don’t know how much time we have. Um. Uh. We could redirect the call! That’s easier, I think! Okay yes…” Logan continued muttering how he was going to go about this while he walked inside his house and to his computer. Virgil followed suit in a daze and just hoped that Logan would fix the problem. He always does, but, is this the first time he won’t? Virgil thought as he chewed his lip which was bound to swell later.

Logan and Virgil entered Logan’s bedroom. Virgil flopped down onto Logan’s bed while Logic sat at his desk and began to type and write to figure this thing out. An hour later, he breathlessly stopped. He gasped out the air he didn’t realize he was holding.

“I think I did it. I’m not sure. I’ve never tried anything like this before,” Logan lamented.

“It’s okay if it doesn’t work. Just- Thank you. For always protecting me,” Virgil replied.

“I’ve always been afraid of losing you. You’re my best friend, and I- Fuck. Emotions,” Logan said melancholically, his forehead slightly creased.

“It’s okay, I know what you’re trying to say. I love you too,” Virgil whispered with a soft smile. Virgil’s phone started buzzing and when he saw who was calling he furrowed his brow.

“Wynne is calling me?” Virgil questioned. “Should I pick it up or…?”

“Oh right,” Logan adjusted his glasses, “I redirected the call so instead of Wynne’s call going to your dad’s phone, it goes to yours.” Virgil nodded, picked up the phone, and put it on speaker.

“Hello Mr. Sanders, this is Vice Principal Vitali. I apologize for calling this late, but we weren’t getting a response earlier, and I was just leaving my office, so I thought I’d try one last time. Your son is in some serious trouble,” Wynne said with a falsely deepened voice. Virgil’s eyes went wide.

‘What do I say?’ Virgil signed at Logan.

‘Deepen your voice and pretend to be your dad. Just say you’ll ground Virgil or something,’ Logan signed back. Virgil cleared his throat.

“Ah, Mr. Vitali, what trouble do I owe you?” Virgil asked, his deepened voice shaking.

“Your son Virgil picked a fight with this innocent kid, Nurul, and proceeded to beat him up. I am very thankful our English teacher was there to intervene, for it looked like he was going to seriously injure that kid,” Wynne said.

‘This makes me so angry. Flames on the side of my face,’ Logan signed. Virgil couldn’t help but snort a little laugh.

“Excuse me, what was that you said?” Wynne asked.

“Oh sorry, that was a sn-eeze.” And Virgil’s pubescent voice cracks struck at the wrong time on the word sneeze. “I’m a little sick, so my voice is not right, right now,” he lied.

“Well, I apologize that I’m bringing such information at this troubling time. I hope you will deal with your son as you see fit.”

“Yes, thank you. I must be grounding him,” Virgil said, but it came out more like a question than a statement. “Goodbye now,” he said as he tapped the end call button. But. His finger didn’t hit end call, it hit right next to end call, and neither Virgil nor Logan noticed that the phone was still on.

“Oh my gosh, it worked,” Logan cheered.

“Yes!” Virgil shouted, back in his normal voice.

“Ex-Excuse me?”

‘Oh shit,’ Virgil signed.

‘Hang up! Just hang up!’ Logan signed back. But before he could, Wynne spoke again.

“Wait a minute, that sounded like Logan’s voice? And Virgil’s? I sincerely hope I am talking to Mr. Sanders and not his kid and his friend trying to get out of trouble,” Wynne continued, not once breaking character. “Because if it is Logan and Virgil, I wonder how they knew about this call. Surely no one in the administration talked them about it. Which would mean it’s sabotage. And oh, Mr. Sanders. You aren’t even interrupting me. So I must assume it’s Logan and Virgil,” Wynne dropped the phony voice, “You dweebs I will destroy you!”

“U-Um-,” Virgil stuttered trying to get back into his false voice but failing.

“So it is you, jackass. Now let me think, how would you know about this? The only other person who knows is Nurul and he’s with me here right now, aren’t ya buddy? So it must be… hm… perhaps the little nerd decided to hack again? Didn’t he learn his lesson the last time?”

“Actually, no, I didn’t. Nurul’s a terrible fighter,” Logan snarked.

‘Logan, what are you doing?’ Virgil signed.

‘It’s fine. Trust me. Follow my lead’ Logan signed back. Virgil nodded.

“Yeah, he must be pretty weak if I supposedly seriously injured him,” Virgil said.

“Listen well Virgil. I know things about you that you wouldn’t want anyone to know. Now. I will destroy you unless you stop being a shithead and meddling with Roman! He’s mine! You hear me? You have two choices: convince Roman that I was right all along and have him join me again, or, let me destroy Roman for being the worst fucking person alive! Otherwise, you and your stupid nerd friend will find yourselves in a world of pain, got it?” Wynne threatened.

“No.”

“What did you say?” Wynne asked.

“I said no!” Virgil shouted at the phone. “Now get the fuck out of my life. If I’m such a loser and a dweeb, then why the hell do you keep trying to toy with me? Go raise your standards, asshat.” Virgil pressed the end call button for real this time and then looked up at Logan. He was shaking all over and couldn’t breathe. He was absolutely still and silent, and panting and heaving and crying at the same time. It was the beginning of an anxiety attack.

a/n: hope you enjoy! things are getting spicy.

prinxiety tag list from famders tag list:

@221biotchplease @a-blog-just-for-sanders @ace-of-hufflepuffs @ace-v-p-d @acrobaticcatfeline @alextheodd @all-these-trees-stealing-mah-o2 @allaboutme7 @allthemetalsoftherainbow @alyssadashrub @anastasialestina@angeliclogan @angered-turtle @anony-phangirl @anxious-darkwolf @anyay666 @aph-roma @areyousirius-noheisdead @asalwayss @elder-jeremiah @elvishfrenchassassin @emokittenlikesgore @emovirgil @emphoenixcat @erlenmeyertrashofsandersides @evilmuffin @faacethefacts @fabulousfanaticfander @thats-so-crash @fairly-close @faithhopefelony @fanatic564 @fandergecko @fangirlsanonymous @fireflightyt @funsizedgremlin @gamerzylo @gayrobotalien @grey-lysander @hanramz-the-fander @heythereprincey @hi-disappointed-im-daughter @hissesssss @hoodie-bros @hottopicvirge @runyou-cleverboy-andremember @imaflashcard @inkyoo @inkyroo @iris-sanders-athena @ive-given-up-on-it @jade-dragon226-fan @jaybingu @jughead-is-canonically-aroace @just-another-transblog @justmyshitandmoreshit @k9cat @katatles-the-fish @kentato-kenart @kickassking14 @kirsten-the-freak @koalaaquabear @kurna-kovite @l-i-t-vocabcards @lacandra @lacrimosathedark @lana–22 @lockolocka @logically-sided @louisthewarlock @madelynnaa @magicmapleleaf @makemeaplant @makemeaplant @maximum-fander @mercythemermaids-blog @micha-like-you-find-in-rocks @microsoft-nerd @migraine-marathon @milomeepit @minamishipsit @mollycassmith @moonlightinwater @multi-fandom-trash-x9000 @muontsy2 @musicphanpie-b @musicsavedmefromdeath @mydogsaresofuckingstupid @neko-ereri-art @nightmarejasmine @notallpotatoesarefrenchfries @nottodaylogic @notveryglittery @nuttytheorizer @nymphaedoratonks @ocotopushugs @on-lock-like-attica @osnapitzbc @pandagirl0730 @panicatthefalloutphanficfandom @pansexual-cat @pastel-patton123 @pattykrabbies @pearls-of-patton @fricksonsticks @phanic-at-the-malfoys @pieces-of-annedrew @pinkeasteregg @planetsanders @potterlover394 @poundland-twoface @prinxietypreoccupied @proudhufflepuff @prplzorua @purplesatankittycat @radioactivebread @rainbow-beaniegirl @ray-rambles @reba-andthesides @redundant-statements-for-400 @roaring--20s @robanilla @roman-is-a-gay @rose-gold-roman @royallyanxious @rptheturk @ruuworld @samidaboss3 @sanders-fam-ily @sanders-sides-things @sanders-trash-4ever @sanderssides-deathangel @saphirestrike @sarcastic-anxious @sassy-in-glasses @save-dirk-gently @sesame-icecream @shygirl4991 @silversunshine2012 @siriuswhiskers @smokeyrutilequartz @smollestsinnamonroll @space-d0ubt @spacenerrrd @the-feels-are-coming @spoonfullofcrofters @starlightlogan @starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer @stars-in-mine-eyes @stormblessedcastiel @storytellerofuntoldlegends @strangerthings-and-phan @superfandertrashbros @superintrovertfangirl @thatonenerdtm @the-optimism-of-the-ostriches @the-prince-and-the-emo @theanxietyofbeinganxious @thecrimsoncodex @thegirlwiththedragonheart @thenerdycube @thepusheenqueen @theroyalramen @thesilentbluesparrow @theworldismysupernova @theworldismysupernova @thisisshien @thomas-must-get-to-sleep @thought-u-said-dragon-queen @too-precious-to-process @too-random-for-me @toujours-fidele @trashfireiplier @trashypansexual @tree4life25 @unknownsandersfan @urtrashhq @v-blue-writer @vampyrsarah @virgilisaneternalmood @virgils-anxiety @virgils-hoodie @voices-and-stardust @vulnerablevirgil @watch-me-introvert @weird-short-person @whyamihereohwell @wowimanerdblr @yamiaainferno @yonnie-boy @yourmomsafalsehood @l-i-t-vocabcards @enderperson43 @houseplxnthoodie @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @nicoandtheninegalaxies @beetlequail @katie-the-noble-fangirl @johnlockandrarry @mildly-entertaining-fiasco

[justastraightupmess]

k whta about u there gracie how would u rank them from healthy to toxic and why does it differ from me or wh at

i mean i think most of it will probably be the same tbh but lets roll.

also its gonna be hard not to be influenced by their potential to be healthier but i’ll do my bEst. 

adonis / mitsuki 

i mean. as we all know. they are literally goals and everyone else should learn from them. such sweet hearts who really value each other and show their appreciation and care. they look out for each other and actually fucking communicate. these two are just so great and so pure?? i love them??? 

and now a big ass jump way way way way down bc these two ^^ are honestly the only healthy ones

bailey / quinten 

honestly they’re partly this high bc i dont know enough about them to see any faults yet rip,,, obviously quinten is manipulative and has self esteem issues. but bailey is kinda,,, too dumb to really be affected by any of the negative things that might come from quinten?? hes too naive and happy go lucky to notice hes just out there having a good time showering quinten with love and affection 

levi / touma

i’ve placed them a bit higher because while yeah, its not great,,, and its not really healthy, its still not exactly harmful?? like i dont feel like either of them is really actively hurting the other person. i mean levi is helping touma (/forcing him) to come to terms with himself and his sexuality. mind you levi is a very manipulative person and thats by no means healthy, and touma is a push over and lets him get away with waaaaaay too much. they need to communicate better as well instead of levi saying “lets do this/i want this etc” and touma going along with it. i also feel like levi doesnt value touma as much as he should (yet, big yet tho) bc he doesnt realize how real his feelings are. but like i said these two arent really hurting each other ?? so ?? 

indigo / valentine 

i mean yIkes yeah poor val is definitely carrying this team. indy is extremely destructive and has so many fucking issues. he really really struggles to let people in and does everything he can to push them away. the only reason why they’re even slightly okay is because val is so patient. im putting them under tou and levi though because the way indy treats val sometimes is pretty bad. indy can be genuinely harmful, he can say mean things and do things he knows will hurt val on purpose to push him away, i wouldn’t say he does this often though, only at times when hes feeling really bad and its almost like hes testing val?? that being said even normally indy is a pretty abrasive person, he swears and insults people a lot just in everyday conversation, when hes like that hes not intending to hurt val and i dont think he does so that okayish i guess but still not great. val puts up with way more shit than he should and its rlly only because he has such thick skin and patience that they word and dont spiral into proper fights and even more toxic behavior. but when indy is good, ina  good mood and feeling good he can be softer and more affectionate, he can try to show val in very very small ways that he does appreciate him. so thats why they’re a bit higher. 

luke / everett

listen they’re pretty close but i’m putting them below. mostly because of luke tbh like i’d say 65% luke 35% ev. honestly these guys indy/val and tou/lev are all pretty close. but anyway. these two are one of the pairs that really truly care so fucking deeply for each other. like luke loves ev, with or without any romantic feelings he loves ev so fucking much. and they obviously care for each other and appreciate each other, they do shit for each other. when they’re good they’re very good and if they were always good i’d put them a lot higher bc of the really strong bond they have with each other. buuuuuuut when its bad it gets real bad. and i think these two can be very harmful and toxic when it gets bad. on ev’s part it’d obviously just be his explosive temper, luke tries hard not to lose his temper and tries to calm the situations down whether hes in the right or the wrong, he has better control of his emotions (/better at ignoring them) than ev, but ev is much quicker to lose his cool and lose it for good, though he is definitely getting better at that. on luke’s part,,, yikes. when they fight and when they get pushed to the point of really properly fighting luke says some mean ass shit,. eg when he called ev a whore. its when lukes loses his tightly kept control over his emotions that a lot of his passive aggressive, judgmental shit from his upbringing comes out, bc he consciously works to keep that part of him down normally, but yeah it comes out when he gets real mad and he can be a real dick. and even when they’re not fighting luke is still pretty passive aggressive and to some degree unconsciously looks down on/did look down on ev. which is not nice

naoki / luciel 

yeah this is bc of luciel for sure,,, they’ll be up there when they get past his creepy ass behavior bc i think they have very good potential to have really good communication like adonis and mitsuki. but for now they belong down here bc luciel worships naoki in a very unhealthy way, and hes a fkin creeper 

dante / chikara 

im gonna put them second from last only because i dont think they are even at their prime of being toxic yet,, like i think it’ll get worse from here. bc right now i dont think either cares enough for it to be as bad as it can get. once it does then yikes,,, a lot of issues. 

andrew / daiki

im putting then right down here on the bottom because right now as it stands their relationship isnt benefiting either of them, its not making either of them better people and honestly rn its making them worse?? in the sense that, andrew is enabling and reinforcing daiki’s bad behavior, hes a pushover obviously and is letting daiki do as he pleases and walk all over him as he pleases regardless of how it makes andy feel. as well as that its making andrew feel worse about himself. before meeting daiki he was?? pretty content ig he didnt think that great of himself or anything but yknow. but now he feels like a plaything for daiki, he doesnt feel like daiki actually loves or likes him, he thinks daiki is just using him for fun until hes done with him. hes basically belittling himself to being nothing but a cocksleeve for daiki,,, and ofc that makes andrew feel worse abt himself. he feels like shit bc he likes daiki a lot but doesnt think daiki likes him back and he feels like shit for not putting a stop to it or making a stand kinda thing. buuuut yknow eventually he will and they’ll start getting better. idk if they will ever be near the top up there with adonis and mitsuki but they’ll at least be soooo much higher with time 

[starkissr]

would u look at that I just had my first break down in a rly long time

today I honestly thought that things have never been worse for me. but u fucking know what? fuck my anxieties. fuck my fears. fuck every doubt and insecurity that's been replaying in my mind. I literally don't fucking deserve to put myself thru this emotional turmoil anymore than I already have. Friday started stressful. yesterday I relapsed back into my bad bad habit. I didn't even mean to but I couldn't stop it. I knew I was doing it and I couldn't care less and altho I just realized it but the level of dgaf I was abt it and how it got so bad literally so quick scared the fuck out of me. now I see it meant I didn't care abt myself anymore. I did see it was wrong but I rly didn't trust myself to take care of myself so my plan was to tell my most trusted friend n roommate here abt my problem so she could also look out for me and help me a little n yesterday I thought abt it but brushed it off. today I texted her and told her I needed to tell her something when were alone. I was so proud of myself for telling her that bc I was like ok now I can't back out of it and I rly rly have to speak up abt this. I guess I should've emphasized that it was v important to me but anyway she left before we got a chance to talk and that was yet ANOTHER thing that went wrong. I swear I've heard like just numerically more bad news today than I have in my life I think. everytime something else came up n I thought shit can't get fucking worse another thing would pop up n fucking emotionally destroy me all over again. but this one was so shitty bc this girl is MY GIRL n the only one I feel comfortable enough talking abt this and I even told her how I desperately needed a solid cry 2 n she wasn't fucking here for me when I needed her. I'm not mad at her like she's been thru v srs shit as of late too n ik she was stressed and why we weren't able to talk but it still fucking hurt bc all day when the hot tears would flood my eyes I kept trying to tell them and all my shit thoughts to sh go away. I would tell them at the end of the day u will come flooding out and I would stop torturing myself and not hold anything back and just say out loud every fucking last thing that's going wrong rn but then it would be ok bc at least it'd all be out of my head. so like I said I'm not mad at her bc that would just be selfish of me but I'm still hurt and i hate so much that I don't feel comfortable having that conversation w her anymore. I'm scared that no one here knows that I don't feel like I can take care of myself rn. I actually decided right now that it's ok that I don't wanna tell her anymore. I rly can't force myself to make myself feel uncomf and tell her something that deeply personal when I don't have the desire to anymore. but the only reason why I'm ok w that is I just compromised n I'm gonna go to talk to the psychologist at my school tm. even tho I rly can't afford to waste a fucking second of my time this week I literally have to go tomorrow or I'll never go. I've been telling myself for legit 4 years that I would start seeing someone but when it came down to it I would never go bc I would tell myself it's not like I have any like life or death problems anyway n when I would think abt making an appt since it would be scheduled in like 2 weeks I automatically would assume whatever the issue was would go away by then. but I fucking need to do this for myself so even tho I'm not planning on killing myself or anything I honest to fucking god need immediate attn rn and everytime I would consider doing the emergency mtg b4 I would be like oh I'm taking that time away from someone who honestly might wanna kill themself n since of c my problems aren't nearly as valid as that I would just be wasting everyone's time. but I need to be selfish this once. I need help I know I desperately fucking need it but I fucking can't stand myself that even tho ik that I still feel like I'm not worthy of going and getting the help I need. I'm still gonna make myself go but like shit man I should not be thinking that way abt myself. whatever idk I'll try to work on it

anyway I still rly did need to talk to someone even if it wasn't to tell my secret I still needed to vent abt all the other million things that had just gone to shit. I had a weird thing that wasn't a fight but like we never fight so it was just even weirder that happened w my best friend who I never have a problem spilling my heart and my soul to so that also was like ugh but I still woulda been down to call her until I remembered how she just started grad school n has more going on now than ever and that rn wasn't a good time for her. there's this other girl here who just within like the past couple of weeks I've gotten to know better n we just vibe so I thought abt dumping my shit on her but then I felt stupid bc I was literally just w her all day n of c now after she left I feel like bitching abt all my shit but I was like that's not a good enough reason to not talk to her so I decided to reach out

I honestly dk what I would've done if she hadn't been there for me. if ur actually reading this ridiculous thought process no like I said I wasn't gonna kms but that anxiety attack was sooooo bad n I've had my fair fucking share so I don't say that lightly but regardless I'm sosososoosososo grateful to her for being there n hearing out all my irrational concerns and being patient n eventually talking sense into me. I felt so vulnerable at first bc even tho she already knew abt some of what went down I honestly felt ashamed abt these problems I'm facing n it takes me a while to warm up to ppl and be THAT open even if it may not seem like a big deal to some I'm super private w somethings idk but she was so fucking amazing I even did kinda preface or hint or like not in as srs of a way but still did lightly bring up a lil part of my secret. she prob didn't even know it but that was so cool n felt liberating tbh. I'm so happy bc while we were studying earlier today, in a moment when those tears found my eyes again n I was tryna keep my cool n not bawl my eyes out in the library n just take deep breathes I drew this simple as can be flower at the top of my page with a cute smiley right in the flowers center in an effort to make myself feel better n showed it to her n when I was showing it off I decided i would want nothing more than to have this be my next tattoo. she laughed n we just talked n then I was like no but I'm not kidding I rly am getting it. to me it was so real that I was having a day from literal hell but that lil silly flower smiley lit up my insides n made me feel soooooo happy I can't explain n it was just a nice thing to try to redirect my thoughts to bc I already love flowers but idk this drawing is like literally a stroke of genius idc if it sounds crazy n anyway she looks at it longer n told me she honestly rly liked it too n said she would get it tatted n I told her again like I'm so srs this thing is giving me LIFE n she surprised me n said yeah me too n so we decided we would get matching tats n I thought abt all the past friends who I've had this convo w like obv abt diff tattoos but I was just asking myself if I rly would want to share this lil treat w her n I can't explain how but all the other times I've talked abt getting matching tattoos w good friends it just felt like a game and not real but this felt different. I'm so stoked were gonna do this together n the fact that I'll have one of my own doodles on my skin like I just love every bit of it. n I thought abt how it's gonna be so magical even when we graduate how the same smiley flower on me will go and see the world thru her eyes. she's from Dubai so even tho it's sad we can't live in the same city forever idk I genuinely feel like I'll be connected and there w her no matter where we go. it's unbelievable to me just how much of the same person we are n how close we've gotten so fast I'm so blessed to have her in my life

wow what an experience. hopefully tm is better

[icharchivist]

huh..... so I think my wisedom teeth are actually pushing and settling in?

I’m 22 and never got a surgery against it - it was never really the time (late teen we had a lot of financial issues after the divorce and I wasn’t covered by the insurance because of administration reasons (i basically disappeared from the files for a few years oops because administration sucks and my family situation sucks) - took until my 20yo or something to get back and then i always pushed it... away... far away...)

My mom never had her teeth removed so she thought that maybe i inherited her genes and she never actually bothered thinking it might be important. My sister had hers removed when she was a teen, and well, my dad never adressed it and it’s not like he could anyway.

But ye - we never actually did anything about it. Sometimes my gums could be a little swollen, but it was nothing bad?? I was wondering if it might be that but my parents kept repeating “if your wisedom teeth are pushing you’d be in an unbearable pain, you wouldn’t be trying to know if it’s happening”

and like, at worse it was midly uncomfortable and it hurt if the swollen gum would enter in contact with the pointy teeth underneath or on top, but otherwise it was perfectly manageable.

But like, like i always told my parents, I have no real understanding of pain??? I always kinda always “dealt” with pain without addressing it, in any circumstances, I always went through with sickness without exactly caring because it was an inconveignance for everyone and I should stop whining - and  that’s how i ended up with a deadly skin disease that I was so late to actually see a doctor for that she told me that she was close to get me hospitalized, and I legit did bear for months while I had my skin being torn apart on my breasts all the time. I didn’t talk about it for months because I thought it was manageable, Istg i was yelled at at the doctor because it wasn’t normal anyone could have let it go this far with the amount of pain, especially in such a sensible aera.

And more recently that’s also how I ended up getting my stomach problems, that again I took a long time to adress. Hell, it’s even funny for my eczema bc mine is painful af, but i have it for so long and i was always told it was nothing that I managed around and can handle the pain, and one day my parents got a violent eczema and they were suffering so bad they thought it couldn’t be eczema bc I wasn’t suffering like they did. While turns out, they had a less-bad version of what I have. 

So like??? Idk maybe swollen gum was my indication that “hey it’s supposed to hurt” but since everyone was telling me that unless i really suffer there’s no way that it would be actually pushing yada yada yada

And rn the gums are swollen again which, again, no big deal, until i realized that there was a tooth pushing through one part of the gum. 

That’s so damn unreal, it’s mostly covered by the gum, but there’s like a pointy edge of a tooth that got out of the gum on the outside part of my jaw??? That’s so unreal???

now i don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to do, i hadn’t seen a dentist in forever. Not sure my current insurance would cover it completely either and we’re still having money issues so i would rather... limit those. (especially since lately we spent a lot of money on stuff for my mental health that weren’t covered by the insurance.)

And like?? it’s not painful at all?? My step dad says i’m bullshitting and I showed my mom (and after that my step dad did as if i wasn’t in the room to not admit he was wrong) - and mom told me that it looked like I had enough place for the teeth to settle in without surgery, but it seems weird to me somehow? idk if i should trust her. 

But again it really doesn’t hurt. 

Bleh and it’s making me bleh to think about because I already have  a shittons of gorey nightmares linked to removing teeth and jaw (like... really disturbing gorey almost-too-real nightmares) so it’s not exactly something I want to think about to start with. 

*takes a huge inspiration* and that’s another thing i’m adding to “things that should have been settled when i was a teen but since i didn’t have a normal fucking childhood/teenage-hood, now i have to deal with the consequences of everything that went undealt with because “we’ll see later”.”. And it’s also adding to the list of ways my parents have somehow fucked up with me, and the list was already goddamn long.

Not only I had a hell of a teenage years but now it’s like my whole life is shaped around how everything went wrong and it keeps going wrong, and then i wonder why i don’t feel okay nor happy.

Bleeeh I shouldn’t get depressed over fucking teeth. 

I’ll see how it’ll feel tomorrow, if it gets worse i’ll consider seeing a doctor or something.

[fairycosmos]

Goin back to a new school soon, I have super bad anxiety (both SAD and GAD) - basically I suckk at meeting new people and automatically feel like everyone hates me. I really need new friends but I really dk how that's gonna happen. My current friends have been shitty since my anxiety got bad. I'm so lonely atm and I know it shows. I never know what to talk about with new people. Any tips? Tysm in advance, and you're super cute btw, like honestly omgg, you should know dw srs (coming from a dude)

hey, sry to hear you’re having a difficult time rn. honestly most friendships happen naturally, the best ones are the ones you just kind of fall into, you know? you don’t need to worry about it, or overthink it. i understand that it’s hard to deal with social situations when you have super bad anxiety, but just bc your mind is already trying to sell you this preconceived idea that things are going to turn out badly, doesn’t mean that they actually will. your brain controls how you perceive literally everything - the world, other people, yourself - and mental illness can really twist everything into something negative even when it’s not. remind yourself of that fact as much as you need to, rationalize the situation in your head. and hey, i get that it’s shitty to be lonely, but sometimes being alone is necessary bc it allows you to grow and it’s better than being with mean or toxic people, like your old friends.

just try to keep an open mind about every new person that you meet, be genuine and friendly unless they give you a reason not to be. talking to strangers is difficult at the best of times, but it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be. at the end of the day, other people are just people. they’re flawed and awkward and worrying about what to say next, too. but if you listen to them, if you let yourself get into the flow of the conversation, then you’ll know what to say to them. it takes a while to learn how to be okay around people, and that’s alright. just take it at your own pace. talking to new people is usually just shallow chatter anyway, try to ask them about themselves a lot and try to be genuinely interested in what they have to say. obviously, it’s a lot easier said than done but you’d be surprised by what you can achieve when you put yourself out there. there’s a lot of people that are dealing with the exact same thoughts and feelings that you are, even the people you think are really confident and comfortable in their own skin.

i’d also suggest just throwing yourself into your work and your grades this year bc it helps to have something to focus on and that’s what you’re at school for after all,,, obviously don’t overexert yourself or anything but keep on top of your assignments and your homework. you could also see if there’s any extracurricular activities that you’re into. i get that it’s sort of weird and nerve wracking to join a new group, but it’s a good way to meet people that you have common ground with and you’ll probably really end up enjoying it?? and if not you can just quit, but it’s always worth a try.

idk if you’re on meds or seeing a doctor for your anxiety, but if not i’d suggest doing that if it’s a possibility. and if it’s not, you could talk to the school counselor instead. you have more options than you realize. there’s ways that you can learn to cope with talking to people and there’s a lot that can be done for anxiety, though that’s probably hard to believe right now. speaking to a professional is something that a lot of people are really hesitant to do, and then when they actually do it they realize that it’s actually really helpful and a good way to keep their mental health from getting any worse.  at the end of the day anxiety is a disorder and it needs real medical attention sometimes, just like any other illness. here’s a few links that might help if you ever need them -

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/27/academic-pressure-5-tips-_n_2774106.html

http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/signs/irrational-thoughts

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/01/23/11-tips-to-help-manage-anxiety/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/self-care-for-anxiety/#.Wan6JsiGPIU

look, this year is probably going to be both good and bad. most things are. but all you need to do is take it as it comes, one day at a time. don’t think of the year as one big chore that needs to be tackled, break it down so it doesn’t feel as heavy. it’s natural to be worried but there are people that can and will support you if things get super hard or if you feel like you can’t deal with everything. even on the days where it seems like the world is ending, you’ll always get the chance to try again and you’re going to get through it whether you think you can or not. school is fucking hard and weird and nobody really knows what they’re doing, but it won’t last forever. you’re going to handle it in any way that you can, and it’s going to be alright. message me if you want to talk about it or if you ever need a friend. i’m always here, seriously :)

[h8boutyou]

After Hours

She wakes up sweaty.

It’s the middle of the night — 4 a.m. to be exact, Alison glances at the clock next to her bed - laying down once again, eyes wide open as she becomes aware of her current situation.

Her breathing’s ragged, and the sheets feel way too heavy and constricting. She strips them of her body in less than a second — hissing when they brush against her sensitive and swollen breasts. She cannot believe this is her life right now.

Putting behind the homicidal maniac that is still out there right now, being impregnated with her friend’s eggs, having to deal with those (still very) confusing feelings for that friend, and now having to practically live with that friend — this is way worse.

She’s horny.

Fuck, she hates that word; always has (it reminds her of all those neanderthal boys in high school — it repulses her, and it’s no different now) but that’s the only word she can use to describe the state of desperation, want, and frustration she is experiencing right now.

She presses her legs together, biting back a whimper as the ache between her legs is momentarily relieved.

She’s aching. It makes her mad.

Goddamn hormones, she curses as she runs her hand through her now protruding belly, that just seems to grow bigger everyday. Probably because of Emily’s —

“Emily…” she whispers to herself, pausing as her mind starts racing.

Emily.

Emily, who’s sleeping down the hall right now, (because they don’t actually sleep together, at least not every night. Only when one of them has a nightmare, or when they pass out during an episode of Cupcake Wars, or on those regular occasions where they get takeout and Alison’s room seems too far away when she’s already half asleep on Emily’s bed, with her head on the brunette’s chest as she gets her hair played with). Emily, who told her to consider keeping the baby, and Alison did it because it’s Emily, and it’s been so long since she’s been able to deny her anything, (and maybe because the idea of having a little brunette with big doe eyes running around fills her up with longing, but with so much happiness too. And maybe, just maybe, because she gets to keep Emily because of this; and even though she knows it’s wrong, she can’t help it).

And safe, Emily always makes her feel safe.

Especially with that lean toned body of hers. ‘Ooh! And her arms,’ Alison thinks as she licks her lips, 'all muscley from all those swimming years’. Obviously, Alison’s aware Emily doesn’t have the exact same physique she had when she was 16 but she’s in good conditions. That much Alison knows. She carries like 8 more bags than Alison carries, when they get home after groceries. Emily mows the lawn — and that might be Alison’s new favorite thing to do on sunny days, because Emily wears practically nothing and she always gets really sweaty and hot and —

If it wasn’t enough confirmation for Alison to know how attracted she is to Emily Fields, she is certainly aware by the sudden and greater warmth between her legs.

It’s too hard to ignore now, she’s sure.

All of her being is just begging her to walk that 8 feet distance to Emily’s room; her body’s just aching for it because she hasn’t been able to erase what had happened almost a decade ago; the feeling of Emily’s warm skin on her, the brunette’s soft lips, her teasing tongue and the way she had whimpered when Alison had ran her nails through her back and —

“Fuck,” Alison groans, finally relenting and moving her hand to the waistband on her underwear, until she gives up on the thought instantly; her head falling back onto the pillow.

She wants Emily.

She wants her, Alison thinks as she rubs her eyes in frustration.

“You know what,” she says to herself as she sprints out of bed barefoot, “this is her problem too,” she mutters, marching decidedly to Emily’s room.

When she gets there, Alison opens the door in a blink, grateful that it didn’t wake up the brunette — because how exactly is she supposed to explain this current dilema — and stops dead on her track at the view.

Emily’s on her back; her worn out t-shirt riding up just a couple of inches short from her breasts to be exposed, and all Alison wants to do is touch and wow she hadn’t realized how close she was until she realizes she’s sitting by the edge of the bed and her hand is just an inch from the brunette’s tantalizing skin.

She touches, softly. Just a feather-like touch. Careful not to awake her. And then, she thinks, 'Maybe I don’t even have to humiliate myself to Emily.’

Maybe she’ll be good with just touching and taking in the brunette’s presence and then going back to her room, Alison thinks.

Yeah, that’ll work.

So Alison touches.

She runs her hands through Emily’s smooth legs - loving specially how the brunette hums contently when Alison reaches her thighs - and yeah, legs might be a dangerous territory. So she runs her hands up and down her toned arms, and her stomach - reveling on the taut muscles that flex when her hands go too high and she remembers how Emily’s always been ticklish in her belly so she stops that too, (also because Emily’s chest has always been a weakness of hers and she is not about to let Emily catch her fondling her while she sleeps, and— Oh, god. How creepy would that be).

Now aware of what the hell she was actually doing, Alison carefully stands up for her spot in Emily’s mattress and tip toes to the door.

It’s not when she hears a distinct, “Ali?,” coming from behind that she stops dead in her tracks.

This cannot be happening.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Hey, honestly I’m kinda high rn and this was not meant to be to serious but if u guys like it and shit then yeah cool. (I might have written another part to it ?) Also idk send me shit to write about maybe ?

Also I haven’t watched the show since like season 5 so like sorry if it’s not accurate enough to what’s going on rn. I tried.

[inflamed-and-untamed]

Home Nurse Causes Port Infection. I Can’t Catch A Break!

I am so upset. Can't I just go a few weeks without having a problem or being hospitalized? My port wound has gotten even worse and is infected. So pissed off at the home nurse who caused this.😡 

I don’t think I’ve written about this yet but when I got discharged from the hospital in April after having my port surgery and spending almost two weeks inpatient a home nurse ripped the steristrips off my incision site without asking me if he could or telling me he was going to. Ever since he did that the incision site has given me trouble...

It's been almost 3 months since my port was placed so I should not be having issues. I should not be dealing with a wound still. Everything was fine after the surgery and was looking good. Then the first night I got home the home nurse forcefully ripped the steristrips off the incision. I tried my hardest to get out of having a home nurse do anything but they insisted I have one for "training" because I don't think they are used to patients like me who already know how to do so many things and have my knowledge and confidence. I have been on TPN several times because of my CIPO (and twice because of IBD) in the past but because I'm being seen at a new hospital with doctors who don’t know me well they made a home nurse come "train” me the night I was discharged. I told the nurse that I have done TPN at home for several months in the past and that I knew what I was doing so he just watched me set it up and do it and never had to come back. 

But! ☝🏻 Since he was there he did my vitals and accessed my port and while he was accessing my port 

he ripped the steristrips off my wound without even telling me he was going to! Then when I asked him why the heck he did that and told him they are supposed to fall off on their own (HELLO! Nursing 101) 

he made some excuse about how they couldn't be kept on under the tegaderm. Uhhhhhh then why had they been on it for a week under a tegaderm in the hospital? If they couldn’t use steristrips under tegaderm after insertion of central lines then they wouldn’t put them on the wound during the surgery in the first place and then cover it with a tegaderm when they’re done.

So after I expressed my anger to him he said he’d leave the steristrips on the smaller incision and of course that one healed up beautifully because the steristrips fell off on their own like they’re supposed to. I just knew him doing that would create a big issue for me. I have really slow and poor healing time and really needed those steristrips to stay put and not be forcefully ripped off a new wound. 

That nurse should have not been there to “train” me but rather I should have been training him. He also was pounding on my chest over and over again while putting a new tegaderm on to get it to stick which was insane because... well... tegaderms are sticky; there is no need to pound on them. Like dude, what are you doing?! So ever since he ripped the steristrips off my incision on the day I was discharged from the hospital the incision site has given me trouble. It’s been painful to touch, sometimes painful without even touching it, the scar kept spreading and getting wider and redder over time, and last month the skin around it was infected and it hurt severely, was swollen, red, and fluid collected under it and I had a high fever. That landed me 2 weeks in the hospital on broad spectrum antibiotics. 

A couple days ago I noticed crusty leakage under my tegaderm coming from the scar (pictured above) so I did a dressing change making sure I cleaned the area very well.

As you see above I got off a lot of crusty drainage. I then covered the scar with a small piece of gauze and put a new tegaderm over it. That gauze is the gauze pictured at the beginning of this post with all the blood and pus on it. 

Now it looks like a fistula from my chest tunneling to the port. The picture is poor quality because I took it at 3am this morning when I woke up to use the bathroom and noticed the area was more painful. I removed the tegaderm and gauze and sure enough there is a hole in my chest and the gauze was covered in pus. I took my temperature which was normal so I cleaned the area again and covered it with gauze and new tegaderm. Oh yeah, I also deaccessed my port last night because now I’m worried about infection getting into my bloodstream so I haven’t been able to run my TPN today. I’ll talk more about this in a bit...

This is why I have always taken care of everything I can myself. I have had such terrible luck with home health care. The only other time I’ve had a line infection was about a decade ago when I had a PICC line and was on TPN and got an infection while being in the hospital under the care of others. It’s MY life on the line which means no one cares more or will be more careful than I will (and Dan). This is why I insisted that Dan and I be responsible for my port. We take way more precautions than we’ve witnessed nurses take when I’m in the hospital and someone else is caring for me. That idiot who ripped the steristrips off has caused me a ton of problems and it’s nothing to him but a huge deal to me. I’ve had home nurses come (even though I didn’t want them or need them to) when I had my ostomy and every time they’d change my bag (which I didn’t want them to but they insisted) the bag would fall off in a couple of hours which meant I had to change the bag myself anyway after they left my house and it fell off. That was a long long time ago when I didn’t realize I could just speak up for myself and fire the nurse. I was still learning how to become an informed and empowered patient at the time.

I’m not saying that all home nurses are bad because that certainly isn’t the case. What I am saying is that I am a confident and capable person and I would rather take care of things myself. This is important to me because the more I am able to do myself the more independence and control I have which is a valuable thing as a patient. 

Nurses go to school to learn but they start out without all of that knowledge just like you and me. We can also learn. Nurses become good at what they do by practicing. We can also become skilled with practice. Nurses learn how to access and deaccess ports if they get special training to do so. Most RN’s do not get that training and do not know how to take care of ports. We can also get special training to take care of ports and all we have to do is ask. I have several friends who have gone to school to become nurses and let me tell you many of them aren’t the sharpest tool in the shed. In my opinion a degree isn’t everything in life. People don’t know how to do things better than others just because they have a degree. Also people won’t do things correctly just because they should. Some get careless and lazy and some are just not good at what they do. It takes practice, training, natural talent, passion, dedication, confidence and so forth. In my eyes I have all of that and I also have a much bigger reason to make sure things are done right since I am the person who has to suffer the consequence of things being done wrong. 

I’m currently in Michigan because I had to be back here for a couple doctors appointments. Dan drove me here last week because my car has been here since March when he had to pick me up back then and drive me to the hospital in Illinois due to emergent issues. I was supposed to drive back to Illinois myself tomorrow but now I’m very worried about driving just-in-case infection hits my bloodstream and I’m in the car alone. It’s a 5 hour drive from where I’m from in Michigan to our house in Illinois. The last time I had an infection caused by a central line I felt fine one minute and the next minute I was convulsing and had a fever of 106 and woke up days later in the ICU not knowing what happened to me. So now I’m way too afraid to drive back to Illinois by myself. 

Dan is on his way to Michigan right now to get me and drive me back so I can go to the hospital and have them look at my port. I’m going to alert them before I get there in case I can get out of spending hours in the ER somehow. I’m thankful I don’t have a fever right now so I am hoping that the wound can be taken care of with no big issues. I’m also hoping that they let ME take care of the wound at home after they tell me how they want me to so that I don’t have to have a home nurse do it because as I mentioned, I trust myself more. 

I feel incredibly guilty. Dan started summer semester last night and he’s already missing class today because of me. He missed so many classes last semester because of my hospitalizations (still managed to get all A’s) which caused a lot of stress. I hate that he had to drive me here a few days ago because my car has been stuck in Michigan for months ever since the last time he had to come get me and take me to the hospital and then he had to leave the next day. Now he’s already headed back here not even a week later to pick me up because something else is going wrong. So again my car will be stuck here in Michigan. Again I’ll be trapped in Illinois with no car and having to rely on Dan for everything. Again I will not feel like an independent person. 

I’m so sick of this shit. 

**Edited to add: After Dan got here and I took the gauze off the wound was already looking a lot better from the previous night. We did a sterile dressing change and before putting the new dressing on it we flushed out the wound with sterile saline. Today it looks even better after doing that! So for right now since I do not have a fever and have not spiked one and the drainage has slowed to a trickle and the wound seems to be closing we are just going to keep an eye on it and go from there. Thank goodness! 

P.S. I feel the need to tell everyone that of course I reported this issue and that I never just hop on social media to complain about something I don’t like before actually doing something to fix a problem. I think that’s silly.