#Sam working in a library is a head canon you will have to pry out of my cold dead hands

[pizza-is-my-buziness]

Did you just touch my shoulder?” Deena and Sam prompt.

For a Tuesday night, the library is unusually quiet, empty of even the most studious of coeds trying to wrangle the desktop computers or wandering the stacks trying to find the most obscure references to pad out their research papers. Despite the fact that Deena is certain the campus hadn’t stopped partying from sundown on Friday until the first blushes of morning yesterday, it seems that her classmates still have more to give, choosing not to spend their Halloween in the campus library.

Not that Deena minds. It just means that she doesn’t have to share Sam with someone trying to figure out how to work the copy machine or yet another college senior who has made it this far without managing to understand the Dewey Decimal System. Instead, she gets to trail along behind Sam as she lazily shelves the books that had been discarded and abandoned several hours ago, before the library had emptied out.  

“You’d think people would be all over this place on Halloween,” Deena remarks, draping her elbows across the back of the cart and leaning forward, watching as Sam slides a volume of Virginia Woolf short stories back onto the shelf. “Since it’s haunted and everything.”

Sam smirks, rolling her eyes. “I’m pretty sure the college discourages séances in the rare book room.”

The cat ears that Sam had slipped on at the start of her shift in a last ditch effort at Halloween spirit are crooked, much like they’d been all weekend when they’d let the spirit of Halloween on a college campus take over their good sense and turn Friday and Saturday into a blur of loud music and cheap alcohol and the type of hangover that had left Deena hiding out all day Sunday in Sam’s dorm room and neither of them saying anything at all in an effort to keep the headaches at bay. Deena has quite a few regrets about the past weekend but showing up to a bunch of random dorm parities dressed as Batman with Sam as her Catwoman is not one of them.

It really is too bad that the cat ears are the only part of the costume that seemingly survived.

“Besides,” Sam says, reaching up absently to push the ears back into place while they continue down the otherwise empty library stacks, “it’s not actually haunted.”

“Says the girl who was possessed by the actual Devil.”

“Exactly.” Sam arches an eyebrow. “Don’t you think that’s how I would know?”

Deena can’t entirely rule out that Sam’s experiences the previous year haven’t turned her into some sort of collegiate Ghostbuster, so she just offers her a tentative smile and a shrug. “They didn’t give you all the details during the first day orientation?”

“No, they did,” Sam says as they turn down another quiet aisle. “It was like ‘here’s how you work the coffee maker, this is the code for the copy machine, here’s where that girl got murdered fifty years ago just in case anyone wants the tour and here’s where we keep the Ouija board.’”

“So you do have a Ouija board. Knew it.”

Sam takes a stack of books from the cart, heading toward the other end of the shelf. “Is that the only reason you came to see me? To look for ghosts?”

Deena smirks, taking one of the books off the top of the stack and sliding it onto the shelf. “Of course not,” she says, waiting until Sam’s hands are empty before leaning in to steal a kiss. “It was mostly so I could do that.”

“Oh.” Deena loves the breathy sound of Sam’s voice, the way the color fills her cheeks like this is their first kiss instead of just the first Deena intends to indulge in for the foreseeable future. “In that case…”

Deena’s lips have barely brushed against Sam’s when the sound of something hitting the floor startles them enough to pull back and a glance in the direction of the noise reveals that one of the books has fallen to the floor. Which, Deena assumes, is something that’s bound to happen…given that it is a library and gravity does exist. Though the timing is rather unfortunate.

And so, it’s entirely coincidental, honest, that Deena picks that exact moment to ask, “What time is your shift over, again?” as Sam stoops to pick up the book and return it to its spot.

“The library closes at midnight.” Sam doesn’t bother to point out that Deena most certainly already knows this, given the amount of time she’s spent with Sam on nights a lot like this one.

Except, usually, with far more murmured conversations and clicking keys and the constant whirling of the printer. Tonight, the library is like a ghost town.

No pun intended, of course.

“You don’t have to stay,” Sam adds quickly, concern flashing across her face. “I know tomorrow is your early-”

“It’s fine,” Deena says quickly, waving away the idea that she would rather get a decent night’s sleep than spend time with her girlfriend. “Isn’t college all about sleepless nights and bad decisions?”

“I’m sure there are plenty of bad decisions happening right now,” Sam says with a laugh.

“Definitely. At least I’m spending my time in the library.”

Sam momentarily abandons the half empty library cart, reaching for Deena’s hand and pulling her closer. “So studious,” she teases and before Deena can assure Sam that there is definitely something she would gladly study, Sam is kissing her, putting an end to any thoughts of talking.

So an empty library is not so bad when Deena gets to do stuff like this. Even Sam’s boss had abandoned her when it became clear that there weren’t going to be enough desperate students to necessitate everyone surrendering their Tuesday night to the quiet of the library stacks and so there’s no one around to notice the way Deena’s fingers slip beneath the back of Sam’s shirt, skimming the warm skin at the small of her back, or to hear the quiet way that Sam laughs, the sound delicate and gentle against Deena’s mouth.

“Thanks for keeping me company,” Sam murmurs, giving Deena a final kiss before stepping back and smoothing down her shirt in a gesture that manages to be both terribly tragic and heart-stoppingly perfect. “It would probably be just a little bit creepy if I was here by myself.”

“But I thought it wasn’t haunted,” Deena teases as they continue working through shelving the books on the cart. “I thought you were the expert.”

Sam laughs, taking two of the last books off the cart and dropping them into Deena’s hands. “I didn’t say it would be creepy because of ghosts,” she points out with a roll of her eyes, the smile on her face taking away any actual annoyance that the gesture might’ve had. “Can you shelve these? And then we’ll be done.”

Deena takes the books, walking in the opposite direction of where Sam has knelt down to arrange a few titles on the bottom shelf. “Oh, ‘we’ huh? So, I work here now too.” She finds the right spot on the shelf, making a space for the new books. “This is the last time I come visit-”

The sensation of something brushing against her shoulder makes her jump, dropping the books to the floor with an echoing thud and Sam flinches, her head snapping in Deena’s direction. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Frowning, Deena glances around, trying to pinpoint why her heart is suddenly racing, her mouth dry. “Did you just touch my shoulder?”

Sam frowns, looking at Deena for a beat before shaking her head. “Um…no. How could I?” She stands, gesturing at the space between them. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Quickly, Deena picks up the books, jamming them back onto the shelf and retreating back toward where Sam is standing. “Uh…yeah.” She shakes her head, trying to clear away the sensation of the press of a hand against her shoulder. And the feeling of being watched, even now. “I’m just imagining things, I guess.”

Sam peers down the aisles, her frown deepening, but Deena is certain they’re seeing the same thing: the fact that the space around them is completely empty. “Probably just freaking yourself out.”

“Yeah. Probably.” Deena frowns, rubbing at the back of her neck absently, though it does little to help the shiver that slides down her spine.

Sam takes her hand, linking their fingers together. “Think we should break out the Ouija board now?”

“Ha.” But Sam’s touch, or maybe her teasing, does make it a little easier to smile again, to push aside that uneasy feeling. Funny to think that talking about murdered coeds might have an effect on her thoughts. “I thought you didn’t believe in ghosts.”

“I didn’t say that I did,” Sam points out. “I’m not the one playing tag with them in the middle of the library.” She squeezes Deena’s hand as she crinkles her nose.

As they start back toward the front of the library, Deena has to resist the urge to turn around and glance into the space behind them, mostly because of the sickeningly persistent thought that won’t leave her alone, assuring her that if she looks over her shoulder right now she’s going to see someone watching them after all.

Instead, she swallows, trying to shove the thought from her mind. “You know, you’re lucky I’m such a good girlfriend,” she says. “Otherwise I would totally leave you here to deal with Casper all by yourself.”

Sam smiles, shaking her head, but there’s a seriousness in her eyes as she meets Deena’s gaze and just nods. “Yeah. I am pretty lucky.”

[tuiyla]

Can I ask how you feel about platonic Samtana? Both in the context of the show and fanon. I think the golden retriever and black cat energy is soooo fun, especially when it’s chaotic best friends rather than lovers.

Sure thing, Anon.

So Samtana used to be one of my favourite Santana broships, probably the favourite at one point tbh. I've since then started having conflicted feelings about Sam and that's the main reason I'm of two minds on Samtana, too. I guess I just... don't Love Sam when really thinking about his character in the context of the whole show. Rewatching season 2 I remembered that oh yeah he's actually pretty cool there and a ch I could get behind but I think the flip-flopping with who he actually was is overall to the detriment, well if not his whole character then certainly my perception of him. By no means do I hate him but I find a lot of the things most of the fandom considers endearing and charming pretty annoying. Put another way, I'd like to view him as a golden retriever, I'm just not sure that's my actual reading of him as presented in canon. That's not to say he can't be that to you or anyone else, mind.

I had that whole disclaimer about Sam himself because it informs how I feel about the Samtana friendship. I'd like to love them and you know, I believe there's a version, more like a headcanon version that I do love. Just as I can make any Santana friendship work in my head because I have a primal need for it. Sad thing is, I'd like to think they had an actual bro thing going on in season 3 and the sweet scene in 3x08 is exactly how I want their dynamic to be. But then season 4 happened and Bram happened and, you know. And to be clear, even in the context of the Samtana friendship I don't think Bram is inherently and wholly the problem itself, I think it's the execution. And how obnoxious Sam was about the whole thing, and how Samtana have virtually no interaction past that season 4 finale therefore not giving me anything to base a later friendship revival on. So I suppose that's the show side of things. I'd love to touch more on the main beats they get in canon, particularly season 2, but I feel like that'd be a different convo we absolutely can have another day.

But. I like to believe in Glee friendship and I especially love Santana broships. The show can pry them from my dead cold hands. So in terms of fanon, I still am for a Samtana friendship. The golden retriever/black cat energy feels apt lol, in a way. In my headcanon, Samtana's main point of connection is what we see in that one 3x08 scene, that Sam sees Santana's insults for what they are. I just, love the idea of Sam laughing it off and seeing through her, seeing that she really did miss him so much. Santana is in desperate need of people who see through her bullshit and Sam, for the most part, seems so impervious to Santana's silly insults. And that's a really fun dynamic for me where Santana wouldn't ever admit it but she grows fond of Sam's quirks and the things she calls lame about him, and despite the harsh front she puts up Sam still likes hanging with her because oh, Santana, she's just being funny. Look at their library scene in Comeback, they could have been such a hilarious duo where Santana tries her best to really offend Sam but half the time he doesn't even get what the burn is supposed to be.

Related to this but on an entirely headcanon level, I like to think of Santana as a secret dork. Well, not so secret if we're honest, but also a bit of a closeted nerd. And unlike the flannel closet this ain't one she's coming out of, but she does eventually bond with Sam over nerdiness when opinions just sort of start to spill out of her, revealing that she knows more about Sam's topics than she cared to admit. These conversations about favourite superheroes and such are always framed with Santana being in opposition to Sam because she only cares to discuss nerd culture when she vehemently disagrees with his takes. Sam doesn't mind because in these rare instances when she reveals she does know and care about nerd stuff, "lame" stuff, Santana shows such a genuine, unfiltered part of herself. And Sam just thinks that's neat. In public, she ruthlessly makes fun of him for impressions and Navi speak and all that but in private she will fight him on Captain America Civil War. A bit like this cute fanart that @randomcanbian had commissioned.

So... platonic Samtana, you say? Canon kind of soured it for me, as is the way with Glee, but I still believe and despite it all I evidently still hold it close to my heart. If only in my own headcanon, but still. I'm not sure how the brotana ships rank for me rn but I guess I'm always gonna hold a soft spot for Samtana even when I'm not sure how to feel about Sam. I think that damn "I missed you too, Santana" scene sealed it for me.

[themonsterattheendofthisfic]

There had always been something there

If Destiel were to happen, in canon, between right now (5.13) and Carry On. Read on AO3 Here.

There had always been something there. Everybody knew it, but they knew it in that tight little place in your heart that you know not to touch. Demons, angels, they could poke at it, sure. They knew to poke at it.

That profound bond. 

Castiel knew from the beginning it was doomed. That was what called him to fall from grace, after all, that something that he saw in Dean. And he thought that would be how he felt about all of humanity, but after Heaven shut him out? It wasn’t. It wasn’t the same; there was something about Dean. But he didn’t know, he didn’t know what it was.

Dean didn’t even think about it. Castiel was just suddenly there, and then he was Cas. And something about him made Dean trust him, it just did. And he was right, after all, Cas proved him right in that heaven room. And of course he wanted Cas there, he was Cas. 

Sam didn’t even think about it until... because Dean and Cas were always just closer than he and Cas, and it made sense. I mean, Cas had been there for Dean when Sam went all dark side, they had history Sam couldn’t ever manufacture with the angel. And Cas had saved their asses more than a few times, and... Cas was always gonna be there for them. He was ride or die, and Dean’s loyalty was exclusively ride or die, no matter how stupid or lost or monstrous that buddy was. It was his thing; after all, he’d grown up with Sam as a little brother.

But as they got older, Sam started to look at old couples in diner booths and get sad. He started to want that kind of thing, and it didn’t make sense to him how Dean just... didn’t. He used to, talked about that “apple pie” life with the kind of wistful bitterness that was transparently envy. But then:

“You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?“

“Have you not heard a single word Bob's been singing about? You're tired. I can tell. You're exhausted. Well, I'm still wired, so I'm gonna pull over, get some gas. You hop in the back, get some Z's 'cause, buddy, you earned 'em.”

It just didn’t make sense. It didn’t really seem like Dean was lying. Pushing him away, sure, but not lying. Dean didn’t need anything, anybody more, not anymore. But how could he be so content with being alone? Besides... family?

And then Sam realized, just a little bitterly, that Dean wasn’t alone, at least not in everyday life. In their little trio, it wasn’t three guys making it by themselves together. No, when it came to home life, it was Sam, and it was Dean and Cas. 

Of course, it wasn’t like... Well, I mean, it wasn’t like Dean was... 

Okay, so Sam had always known that Dean looked at guys a certain way, got nervous with guys a certain way that he was never comfortable talking about. So they never talked about it.

And then he thought about all the looks that went on just a second too long, and how quick to anger Dean was when it came to Cas, and how broken he was when Cas was gone.

And all of a sudden, Sam thinks that maybe, maybe Dean’s a little in love with Cas. And maybe he doesn’t even realize it.

“Hey, Dean?”

Dean looked up from his book disinterestedly. “Yeah, what’s up?”

Sam cleared his throat and sat at the foot of Dean’s bed. Gingerly. “Uh... I just wanted to, I mean.”

“Come on, spit it out Sammy, I don’t have all day.” 

Sam frowned. “This morning, you said you were dedicating the day to, and I quote, “relaxurbation.” 

Dean nodded seriously. “And I’m on a very tight schedule.” It got a laugh out of Sam, which was all Dean wanted, because conversations that started with Sam stuttering made him nervous.

“Okay, so, I don’t mean to, like, pry or anything. And I’m not even saying this is it so like... don’t freak out, okay?”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “You’re freaking me out right now!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Sam cleared his throat again. “Okay, you know how we grew up...” He could see Dean opening his mouth to make a snide comment. “Just shut up, dude! For once.” 

Dean blinked, pausing, and spread out his hands. Go ahead. “Dad raised us rough and in a bunch of podunk, nothing towns around a bunch of hillbilly, old-fashioned hunters.” 

“Like Bobby?” Dean asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, and like Travis.” Silence. He’d made his point. “Listen, all I’m saying is that we were raised around some pretty messed up stuff about being strong or whatever. About being a good man.” 

“Okay, and?” Dean was squinting now, looking at Sam like he had no idea what he was saying. 

Sam rolled his eyes. “And they weren’t right. I mean, they made fun of me for reading too much. The stuff they said about other people? About people that weren’t leather-wearing shotgun yielding hardasses? Some of them were just... bigots.”

“Sam, what the hell are you saying?” Dean was impatient again, but Sam’s heart sped up. Usually Dean got impatient when he was uncomfortable.

“I’m saying that it’s understandable, you know, for us to still feel some of that. But we don’t have to be like them, Dean.”

“Sammy, are you trying to tell me something?” Dean was leaning forward, hands on his knees.

“Yeah, man! I’m trying to say that I don’t think like them. I’m not- it doesn’t change anything for me if somebody’s, like, gay or something-”

Dean folded back up. “Oh, and you think it does for me? Jesus Sam, I may be a dick but I’m not an asshole.”

Sam put his face in his hands. This was coming out so wrong. “I’m saying, Dean, that looking at guys doesn’t make you any less of a man.” There was dead silence. Sam swallowed and looked up to see Dean staring at him angrily, but Sam could swear there was a little hint of fear in the way Dean was working his jaw. 

“I don’t know what you’re thinking you’re seeing Sammy, but you’re way off base.” He got up and stormed away to his room without another word.  

---------------------

Dean slammed his bedroom door with a bang that made even him jump. He stopped dead and breathed shakily, trying to sort through his thoughts. He was pissed, for one thing. That much he knew. He was also shaking. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to picture that dock he loved to fish at, the one he dreamed about on his best nights. It always calmed him down.

Why the hell would Sam think that he was… what, gay? Dean laughed out loud to himself. He loved the ladies. He more than loved the ladies. Hell, he had dumped Sam at a bar plenty of times to spend some quality time in their hotel room with a hot girl. No way, Sam must’ve hit his head. 

But he went over the conversation in his head again, all that stuff Sam had said about John’s buddies growing up. It was true, marine vets and hunters in the ‘80s and ‘90s were not the most open-minded crowd. They’d given Sam shit about his good grades and his hair, given Dean shit about his cheekbones for gods’ sake. That time he’d wanted to go to the prom, that time they’d caught him listening to Radio Speedwagon… okay, so they were assholes. Sure. And no, some of them hadn’t had the greatest things to say about Freddie Mercury or Rock Hudson or David Bowie… But that didn’t make him like them. He didn’t have crushes on guys like that…

Okay so he could admit that Fred from Scooby Doo was annoyingly perfect. And he had been a little obsessed with him as a kid. But that didn’t mean he wanted the guy.

And Rodney, that guy in sophomore year that he tutored in Latin for extra cash, the swimmer. He’d tried so hard to make him laugh, he had such a nice laugh. And arms. But it wasn’t like he’d ever done anything…

Lee was a one-time thing. Dean was lonely and on an adrenaline rush from his first case without John, and they got drunk. It just happened. And they’d woken up to John banging on the door and even after they had all their clothes on, they still got chewed out for being drunk. And he and Lee, well, he never let it happen again. And after the cult thing, after the bloodbath in Arizona… Dean had been shitty. He had been mean and dismissive and told Lee to fuck off, that I was drunk, man, and he didn’t see Lee again until he had to kill him. 

But that didn’t make him gay. 

He hadn’t done stuff with a guy since. Maybe he’d looked at them. Maybe he’d gotten blushy and tongue-tied a couple of times around a couple of detectives, but he was naturally awkward sometimes. And plenty of straight dudes watched gay porn. 

Dean laughed and felt a tear slide down his face, and he stopped it up tight. Okay, fine. So Sam was right. Maybe he liked guys. In a way adjacent to the way he liked girls. 

Maybe that made him bi.

-------

“Sam.” It came out stern and rough and too loud, and Dean cleared his throat. Sam was making himself breakfast, so Dean leaned up against the counter and waited until he looked up from his eggs. 

“Look, I’m… I’m sorry. For the other night. Um…” He cleared his throat again. “Look, you were just trying to get me to ‘introspect’ or whatever, and I don’t really…”

“Deal with that well?” Sam smiled softly and Dean laughed nervously, looking down. He looked back up and caught Sam’s eye. Sam knew, he got it. And he knew what Dean was trying to say. Dean nodded and cleared his throat again.

“Thanks. Okay, enough of that talk for a lifetime!” he said cheerily. He started to practically run from the room but paused at the doorway and shouted. “Chicks are still hot though!” 

Sam laughed. “Never doubted that, Dean. Nobody could fake your kind of enthusiasm.”

Dean grinned and winked, and then he left the room.

He was out.

----------------

Sam talked to Cas next. For all the saving the world and working against God they were doing, they had a lot of down time. Cas was studying a lore book in the library while Jack and Dean watched a full season of “River Monsters” for an “educational break from the world destruction shit.”

“Hey Cas, can I ask you a question?” He sat down across from Cas and leaned across the table. This was going to be so much easier than the conversation with Dean. And he really needed to know if… well, if he was right. If there was a chance that, after all this, Dean could be happy with somebody who understood the life, like he wanted to be. That is, if they all survived.

“Of course, Sam, what is it?” Cas was as earnest as ever. He smiled. Dean’s constant gruffness could be good with that earnestness. Was already good with it.

“Angel… society, I guess. How does that work?”

Cas tilted his head, confusion and a hint of snark behind his words. “You’re going to have to be more specific, Sam. Angels have lived for millennia spread across the entire universe.”

“Yeah, okay.” Sam sighed. Maybe this wouldn’t be that much easier. “Like, I know you said angels don’t have gender or anything, but… do you have sexuality? Love? Those kinds of… things?” Fuck, was he being too obvious? Dean would kill him. Chuck would actually get his perfect ending.

Cas was pondering. “Well, I suppose it changes in degree for every angel, as it does with humans. But, yes, we have emotions not unlike humans. Without them, I would never have fallen in the first place.”

Sam sucked in a breath. “Right, like, you, um, you saw Dean and…”

Cas nodded. “Once I saw what heaven was doing to Dean and you, I started to have doubts. I started to feel… for humans. And well, Dean pushed me into making the right decision. He got me angry enough.” Cas smiled at the memory. 

“Yeah, uh, he’s pretty good at that.” Sam cleared his throat. “So, you have emotions, can you fall in love?”

“I don’t know.” Cas looked at Sam’s perplexed face and tried to explain. “I can feel connection, I can feel loyalty, I can feel… desire…” Sam was un com fort able again, why did he decide to do this? “But whether that amounts to human love, I don’t know. I never had the chance to fall in love as a human; I too heavily relied on you and Dean to feel at all comfortable.”

“I mean, that sounds like love to me. All of that and… knowing that if you lost them, it would hurt something awful. That you’d do anything in the world to save them from any pain.” Sam was back on Eilleen again, he couldn’t shake her. 

Cas was silent for a moment until Sam came out of his thoughts and motioned for him to continue. “As for sexuality, angels do not have what humans define as gay or straight or anything else. We see souls as much as vessels. Gender is inconsequential.”

“Right, yeah, I imagine it’s hard to be gay when you don’t have genders in the first place.” Sam laughed, but Cas stayed silent. Apparently he didn’t see any humor in it. “Well, uh, have you ever thought about… I mean, do you ever want to settle down or something?” 

God, was he asking him for his intentions or something? Sam could not believe his clumsiness. It all sounded better in his head. 

“Sam, I’ve been alive for millenia and will live for many more, if Chuck doesn’t destroy the world. If I were to find a mate or any such thing, I would have to see them age and die and live on. Is that something you would want in my shoes? Is it something anyone would want to be involved with?” Cas was almost… bitter. But more, he just seemed tired. And sad. 

“I’m sorry, Cas. I never thought of it that way.” Sam started to stand, to leave him alone, but he paused. “For the record, though, yes, it is something I would want. We all have to lose people we love someday, but it’s pointless if you use that as an excuse. Sounds like something Dean would say.” He sighed and left Cas sitting alone with his thoughts.

-----------

Cas was… he was pensive. Sam’s question’s replayed in his head, that last comment on repeat the most. Love and desire and loyalty and pain, that is what characterized love. He mulled it over. So many years had been wasted on heavenly wars, following orders without question and executing “the will of God” without doubt. Really, the only time he started to feel emotions that made him really… ache… well, it was with Dean.

Dean was the first human he’d ever met to treat him like he was… human. Dean was the first person he ever stepped in for, ever betrayed orders to try to protect. Dean was the first human to make him double over with laughter. Dean was still the only person who would go to the ends of the universe for him; he’d shown it time and time again. 

But behind all the big stuff, Cas really started to think. He thought, at first, that his heart was speeding up from excitement, from the danger, that looking at Dean was just the alarm bells that would set off his fall. But they’d never stopped.

They had a profound bond.

It was possible, then, after all this time, that Megatron had been right. Castiel was in love, with humanity in general no, but with one man, yes. The one man he’d given up everything for. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe after Chuck was defeated, there would be time for love. 

He remembered his deal with The Empty. If he was happy, truly, then he would die. But hadn’t Castiel risked that for Dean many times before?

---------

Dean’s first steps into intentional bisexuality included lots of porn and even more stuttering. He went out to a gay bar, the only one in 100 miles that he could tell, and bumped into every table his shaky legs could find. He spilled drinks and messed up pick up lines he’d used for years. His face saved him. He made out with a few guys, got pushed up against walls in the alley and discovered not only butts were butts, but mouths were mouths. Universally. 

He never went any further. 

He was far from a virgin, but, after so many years, Dean was scared. Ass hanging out in the wind scared. And he was not about to admit that to anybody, which meant he was not about to get in any kind of situation that he would freak in. So no sex.

So after a while, Dean laid off on the investigation and just… let it be. He started driving around in Baby a lot, parking in the middle of nowhere to think, trying to get comfortable with new and improved him. One night he accidentally did that until about 3 in the morning.

Dean drove back to the bunker that night, dazed and confused, if you will, by his feelings. He parked Baby in the garage and went around the long way, still trying to parse out why the hell he was so hung up on the idea of fucking a guy. 

Castiel was waiting up for him. He sat in the library, holding a glass of whiskey that he’d obviously not touched. “Cas, buddy,” Dean yawned and stretched, walking over to him. “What are you doing out here?” 

Cas shrugged. “I guess I was just making sure you got home. I mean, were alright. I didn’t know where you were.”

“You tell me everywhere you’re going?” Dean winced inwardly at how harsh that sounded. His gut reaction was still defensiveness; he wasn’t ready to tell Cas about any of this. He took the glass out of Cas’s hand and downed the whiskey; maybe that would soften his edges a bit.

“I was just worried.” 

“Cas, phones, for the millionth time, phones exist. Pretty sure you were there when they were invented.”

Cas pursed his lips, annoyed. “Well excuse me for caring about you, Dean. I was under the impression that that was what we did around here.” He tried to stand up but Dean waved an arm at him that forced him to sit again.

“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve just been… working a few things out. Going on drives. Um…” Dean trailed off. Cas had tugged at his tie to loosen it; he got fidgety when he was annoyed. And that made Dean feel something that he was just learning to recognize. Cas looked up at him, confused at his sudden silence, and then they were just looking. At each other. Like they had so many times before. Except this time Dean knew exactly what he was feeling and it scared the fuck out of him. And Cas knew exactly what he was feeling, and it scared the fuck out of him. 

“Okay, I’m, uh, I’m hitting the sack. You coming?” Dean started to stand up and almost choked on his own breath. “I mean, you going to your room, because it’s too creepy to think of you just sitting out in the dark like this all night.” 

“Yes. I guess I am.” Cas said softly. Whatever made Dean happy. Even when he was being a dick.

--------

SAD ENDING:

They were ready. Well, not ready, but as ready as they ever would be. Chuck was waiting, he knew they were coming, and Team Free Will 2.0 had all the weapons they could muster. And yet they still geared up like it was a normal hunt. Sam was packing snacks, for fuck’s sake.

Dean walked the halls nervously, tapping on the wall by Jack’s open door. “Hey kid, you doing alright?” 

Jack looked up at him, apprehension written all over his face. “When am I not ready to kill my grandparents, the two oldest cosmic beings, in a final hail Mary to save the entire universe and everyone I love?” 

Dean chuckled as much as he could given the truth of the statement. “Hey, we’ve all got your back, kid. And if we go down, we’ll go down swinging. Together. ”

Jack nodded and Dean backed off, rounding the corner to Cas’s room. “Cas.” he said it softly, but Cas still startled and turned around. Dean held up his hands in surrender. “Just, uh, checking in, I guess.” Cas hesitated a second and nodded silently. “Did you ever think we’d get here, when you first chunked me out of hell?” 

Cas smiled softly. Somehow, through everything, that time in hell had almost become a fond memory. “No, Dean, I can honestly say I never thought I would be here, with you, about to attempt to kill God. Chuck.” There was that bitterness that made Dean a little sad, made him remember how much Castiel believed in God in the beginning.

“Yeah, well, I guess this is it then.”

He looked at Cas and suddenly realized how close they were standing. His eyes searched Cas’s, and they looked at each other for too long of a beat. 

“Yes. It seems like it.”

Dean sighed. “Cas, I just wanna say, before we, you know,” he waved a hand around. “I just wanna say, dimes for donuts we don’t make it out of this alive, and-” 

“Dean, you don’t need to.”

Dean blanched. Dean, for one, didn’t have any idea what the hell he’d been about to say, so how did Cas? “I just mean-”

“Hasn’t everything already been said? Everything we’ve been through, over all these years, hasn’t that said enough?”

Dean sighed and looked down with a sad smile. “Guess you’re right.” He’d always been a man of action more than words.

Dean gave an infinitesimal nod and Cas gave one back, decided, and they went to fight. Maybe someday there would be a time for words. 

Except there weren’t any more days. Not for them.

[xfanfics]

Destiel Fic Rec List Part 4

Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity.  Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.

This part of the list contains: 31 fics.

Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].

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The Shadow at My Window ❤ by Zombiecat E | 141k | Hot, AU, Underage, Wing!kink

As a fledgling angel, Castiel is not allowed to interact with humanity. He should be strictly observing and concentrating on learning to be a warrior of Heaven. Even so, he cannot seem to stop himself from visiting the human boy that leaves his window open at night. At first, it's only to get a glimpse of their world.. but all that changes the night he saves the boy's life.

AMAZING!!! I'm a huge fan of both wing!kink and the underage romance trope, and this hits the spot. I read this from when it was a WIP (on chapter 12), and it was so worth it.

Fearson's floating cigarette. by orange_crushed M | 11k | Fluff,  Magicians AU

"That son of a bitch," Dean says. He strangles the handful of french fries he’s been holding, and one by one their warm, helpless, potato-y insides crumble over the tops of his fingers. He feels a brief burst of irrational, almost homicidal rage. "That floppy bow-tie wearing son of a bitch.” Dean is gonna kill Jimmy Wonderman. He’s gonna shove a never-ending string of scarves down his throat. He’s gonna make him eat balloon animals until he floats off into space.

This was so sweet and charming I'm going to cry. Castiel's gentleness and pure heart is really explored in this fic, and I LOVE it.    

Sweaters & Cigarettes ❤by lemonoclefox E | 149k | Hot,  Fluff,  High SCchool AU, punk cas, nerd dean

Dean Winchester is in high school, crushing hard on Castiel Novak, the unbelievably hot goth who Dean does his very best to convince himself he hates, despite the fact that he can’t really stop staring at him. Dean tries, but when the two of them finally cross paths, their first conversation takes a surprising turn. And suddenly, they both find themselves falling harder and faster than they ever could have expected.

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS FIC! The trope reversal is perfect, and in short, this is one of my favorite high school AUs EVER.    

Shortskirts 'Verse by twentysomething E | 22k | High School AU

So, they're in high school, and then they're in college, and it's mostly not about Taylor Swift, except when it is.

Leave My Body, Moving Up to Higher Ground by triedunture E | 17k | Alt!canon, Genderswap

Castiel must take a new vessel to return to earth, so he strikes a deal with a woman who isn't as willing as Jimmy had been. But Dean's in a bad way and Leviathan needs to be smote, so what else can he do? Wonderful and heartbreakingly lovely. Gender swap, of a sort.    

A Treatise on Longing by araftatsea T | 8k | Angst,  Alt!Canon, Aging

Set post-8x23: Cas falls and is reborn as a human infant. Dean waits for him. He wonders how he's going to explain to this guy that he was an angel, once, and he wonders whether Cas will still want him. Or if he ever did.

Oh god, this fic huuuurts. But in a good way.    

Santorum Will Pry My Porn From My Cold Dead Hands by AlreadyPainfullyGone E | 41k | Pornstar AU

President Santorum bans all pornography, and Dean decides to start his very own prohibition racket. Unfortunately, the only person he can find to 'perform' is Castiel.

Lots of porn. Complete with in denial!dean and confident!cas.    

One Night at Club Radiant by octoberskyfall E | 16k | Hot, Stripper AU, Dom!Cas

When Charlie showed up at the garage with a six-pack of El Sol and an order for him to chug them down before they reached the bar, Dean knew he was in for one hell of a night. Featuring Stripper!Cas and light Dom!Cas because of reasons. Happy Birthday, Dean!

Damn. Just um--yes. Please.  

Gargoyles on Motorcycles by mandraco E | 24k | Office AU, Socially Awkward Cas

After the latest in Dean's long string of one night stands steals the Impala and totals it, he makes a bet with Sam that he can abstain from sex while he repairs it. But Lisa and Matt's wedding is coming up and Dean needs a date he'll never be attracted to. Enter Castiel.

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives by cymbalism E | 14k | Fluff,  Alt!Canon

After the apocalypse, Dean's living with Lisa and earning his keep by cooking dinner. Cas likes that Dean can cook. Dean likes Cas's company. But they could use a little alone time, and Dean has a lot to learn about what the rest of his life really means.

Smoke in the Mirror by letters_of_stars M | 52k

It begins with the flier hung in the library: art model needed for thesis project, will pay. Castiel figures it's an easy way to make some extra money, but modeling for Dean Winchester ends up complicating his life far beyond anything he could have imagined.

Selfie with a stranger by somuchforbaggles T | 1k | Fluff, AU

Cas lied to his family about having a boyfriend, and now they want actual photographic evidence. There's only one thing he can do - take a selfie with a stranger.

This is just adorable. Instant feel-good fic.    

Paper-Thin by snarkymonkey E | 15k | Fluff, Hot,  College AU, Dom!Cas, Sub!Dean, Professor!Cas

Dean is finishing up his master's program, heading on for a PhD in Engineering but spends most of the time silently ogling his gorgeous next-door neighbor, the new adjunct professor of English, pursuing his dissertation.So, really, no reason the two should ever interact. Except...the walls between their apartments are just so thin. And even though he swears he's seeing the guy all over campus, there's no way the exceptionally friendly Professor Novak has a thing for Dean. Right?

The Pumpkin Pie Started It by twerkstiel E | 8k | Hot, AU, Baker Cas, ABO, Omega!Dean Sub!Dean, top!cas, alpha!cas

Dean Winchester is your ordinary college student. He does his work, fixes cars, complains about being broke. Except when he visits the new campus bakery, he ends up getting more than the pie he asked for.

Just what I like in an ABO short fic: cute, porny, and hot sex ;)   

Leave My Body, Moving Up to Higher Ground by triedunture E | 17k

Castiel must take a new vessel to return to earth, so he strikes a deal with a woman who isn't as willing as Jimmy had been. But Dean's in a bad way and Leviathan needs to be smote, so what else can he do?

Wonderful and heartbreakingly lovely. Gender swap, of a sort.

Scratchmarks  by bookkbaby E | 11k | Hot, canon!verse, endverse, threesome, bottom!cas, kink

Sometimes, sex isn't a goal, but a method. A method to escape, a method to forget, or a method to communicate, and Dean doubts that his future self is listening to what Cas is saying.

Porny 2009!Dean/2014!Dean/2014!Cas with bonus feelings towards the end.    

Halfway by anythingtoasted E | 29k | canon!verse, s8, pining!dean

A Fallen!Castiel bunker fic; Castiel arrives back at the bunker after six months of being missing, with eighteen of his newly-fallen brothers and sisters in tow; shameless schmoop and angel-care ensues.

Bunker!Fic. Castiel has a flock of brothers and sisters to care for. Always a fan of the way anythingtoasted writes the dean/cas relationship development.    

Home is Where by chasingrabbits E | 15k | AU, Mental Disorders

Casual vagrant Dean Winchester blows into Palo Alto to check on his little brother. What is meant to be a quick visit ends up drawing out when he meets and accidentally ends up clicking with Sam's strange, grad student roommate Castiel.

The Graveyard by  amarillogrande E | 18k | College AU, bottom!dean, tattooed!cas

The premise is simple. You finish the bottle, you stick it up on the shelf. When you move out, you can look up and remember all the good times you had. Right?

Smooth Operator!Verse by wannaliveindeansdimples E | 15k | Fluff, Hot, AU, Long Distance Relationship, Phone Sex

Castiel is a phone sex operator and Dean is a first time caller.

Messenger Number 3 by gamesformay M | 23k | Theatre AU, Fluff

Opening night is closing in at the Lawrence Shakespeare Festival, and the play is cursed. As if that weren't enough for Dean, the head of the tech crew, to have on his mind. A tale of love, family, and iambic pentameter.

Dark Side of the Moon by imogenbynight E | 37k | Angst,  Astronaut AU, PTSD, Minor Character Death

Five months into his six month mission, an accident leaves Flight Engineer Dean Winchester stranded on the moon. It comes down to a man he has never met to bring him home.

Give All My Secrets Away by morganoconner T | 2k | Fluff,  H/C, Canon!verse

When Castiel needs to stay with Dean while the hunter is vulnerable and unable to defend himself, he doesn't expect it to end with confessions Dean doesn't mean to give.

Convenient Husbands  by Scaramouche E | 39k | AU, creature!cas, wing!kink

"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?

Every Word a Piece of My Heart by smilla840 E | 10k | Dean/Jimmy/Cas

The war is over and Jimmy is finally free to go back to his family. Everything should be perfect – then why isn’t it?

The Parts of Our Sum by scaramouche E | 55k | AU, Friendship

Castiel, a former soldier, has worked for the Company his entire life. They've been good to him, providing clothes, shelter and new body parts whenever necessary. Now the Company's gearing up for a space exploration voyage, and Castiel's volunteered for the research team. During the preparation period, he meets Dean Winchester, who makes Castiel wonder about the things he's missed out on.

What Has Eight Tentacles and Isn't Allowed to Eat Pie? by Scaramouche T | 16k |  Fluff,  Canon!verse, tentacles

Dean watched an anime porn about this once, but real life turns out to be way less interesting. Or, the one where Dean gets turned into an octopus.

Shorten the Distance by APenToMyHeadandImDead T | 43k | Fluff,  AU, Teacher!Cas

"Nerdytr3nchcoat" and "Impala67" weren't looking for romance on the dating website called 'dateangels.com'. Castiel was looking for friends and Dean was just looking to get his nagging brother off his back. What they didn't expect to find was each other. [a long distance, online relationship fic]

Jump the Track by alysian_fields E | 83k | High school AU

It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.

Blackbird Fly ❤ by artsyunderstudy E | 163k | Angst, High school AU, Sam/Jess, Drug Use, Mental Health Issues

In the wake of a mutual tragedy, the Winchester brothers befriend loner Castiel. Both brothers find something in him to hold onto as they try to remake their own complicated relationship and the home they've lost. Struggling with his own recovery, Sam finds himself drawn to the strong and lively Jess, while Castiel and Dean find comfort in one another. As consequences of their past emerge and threaten to tear apart what they've carefully rebuilt, they are all forced to reevaluate who their family really is, and what it's worth to keep it.

Oh the angst! This fic may be triggering for some, but the pros include a wonderfully portrayed sam/jess relationship, and stunning illustrations. Dean and Cas' relationship is heartbreakingly lovely and broken (but there is a happy ending).    

A Broken Man & The Dawn by n_nami E | 44k | Fluff,  COCKLES, AU,

After his brother dies in a car accident, Jensen is left to take care of his newborn nephew - and he’s in over his head. Also, he has the feeling that the guy who just moved into the apartment next door hates him because of the crying baby that keeps him up all night. As it turns out, Misha not only has that set of mesmerizing blue eyes, but also a lot of intuition when it comes to fussing, cranky babies.

Jeté by cadniganv E | 10k | AU, dancer!dean, photographer!cas

Castiel has been photographing their ballet company for two years now and he and Dean have barely exchanged six words, and yet somehow when Dean breaks his leg, it's Castiel who takes him home from the hospital and takes care of him.