#She has also clocked Lup

[noodyl-blasstal]

Bones - Blupjeans Week day 5

My @blupjeansweek prompts are part of a story find the others here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | or on Ao3

Barry woke up warm. Barry woke up warm because Lup ran warm. Barry woke up warm because Lup ran warm and she was pressed against his back with her arm slung over his side and her head pressed into his shoulder. He should probably move. Sure, they cuddled sometimes, but this wasn’t that kind of leaning against each other watching a movie cuddle. Right now, Lup didn’t know what she was doing. She was asleep and probably dreaming about someone else and she was going to wake up any second just to be repulsed by what was going on. Or… well, maybe not, because she always said he was great for cuddling. But still, he couldn’t take advantage. He tried to gently wriggle free, but Lup just groaned and snaked her arm further round his middle. Barry froze. If he kept moving he’d wake her, the disco ball was still spinning gently above them and only the dimmest light crept through the gauzy curtains. There was no way it was people o’clock yet and Lup was on driving duty today, ergo, staying still was the best thing to do. Lup got more sleep, he didn’t have to worry about her feeling pressured to drive when she was too tired, and maybe he could slip free once she’d settled again. Barry relaxed, Lup nuzzled his back and he drifted into sleep again.

-

They didn’t talk about it at breakfast or once they hit the road. He’d woken up again hours later with Lup sprawled across his chest, his arm round her, and her legs tangled with his. She’d smiled up at him, sleep mussed and groggy, kissed him on the cheek, mumbled “morning, Bear,” then just gotten up as if this was completely normal for them. At breakfast the server asked how married life was and she told him it was definitely and absolutely different to the 17 years they’d been together at before they tied the knot. Then she held Barry’s hand, and kissed his knuckles, and said “... right babe?” Barry had nodded seriously, like he was in on the joke. Like he was her husband and she was his wife and they were both so tired of the question. She packed up the bags and held his hand on the way out of the parking lot “... just in case anyone’s looking….” so Barry rubbed his thumb across her knuckles and smiled fondly at her, just in case.

– “Okay Bear, you’re on directions now, looks like the satnav has no clue where we are.”

“Oh, yeah, that’ll happen. Means we’re nearly there though!” Barry straightened in his seat but kept his hand looped loosely in Lup’s. Sure, no one from the motel could see them anymore, but she hadn’t moved and he hadn’t moved, and it was fine. Friends held hands, it didn’t mean anything.

“Great! It’s been a while since we stopped at the giant ball of wool, can’t wait to stretch out.”

Barry ruefully let Lup know they were approaching a turn. Every time she let go to operate the gears he worried she wouldn’t put her hand back, that it’d be the last taste of that fondness and he wouldn’t even know it until it was over. “Okay, now it’s the third on the left, but that’s going to take a while on this track. It gets pretty bumpy.”

Lup grinned. “I think I can handle it.” She said, and grabbed his hand again. “But I’ll hold on, just to be safe.”

The car juddered along the track and Barry’s teeth rattled in his skull. He usually hated this bit of the journey, but today he couldn’t focus on anything but the bright warmth on his palm. “Here we are!” He pointed to a wooden framed house with a yellow porch, orange shutters, and a smiling woman in the process of leaping out of her rocking chair to run down the steps.

“Kids!” Marlena yelled happily as Lup parked the car. Lup scrambled out first and was immediately enveloped in a huge hug. “Lup! It’s so nice to finally meet you in person! You’re just as beautiful as you are on video!” Barry eased himself out and stood awkwardly to the side. “Was the drive okay, dear? I hope you didn’t get too tired. Barry, I can’t believe you left her to do the boneshaker track.”

Barry stopped himself before fully reverting to his moodiest teen self and snarking back. “I missed you too, Mummig.” He said with a wry grin. “Now, can I have a hug too? Or have you replaced me? I must admit, I thought it would take slightly longer.”

“I work fast, Bear.” Said Lup, shooting him some finger guns before retreating to the car to forage for her bags.

Barry shook his head, then scooped a laughing Marlena up into his arms. Her soft grey hair tickled his nose, she smelled of rosemary, slowly caramelising onions, and home home home. Barry should have come back sooner. It was so easy to get caught up in research and time just slipped away without him noticing, but it had been too long since he got to hug her like this. He was going to chop and stack so much wood, restock the coal shed, and do everything else a penitent absent son could set his mind to while he was here.

“Sorry Barry, I just wanted to give my daughter in law a squeeze, can you blame me?” Marlena said, close to his ear. Hopefully close enough that Lup hadn’t heard. Barry had no idea how Marlena had clocked his feelings for Lup already, but there was no way he was accidentally telling her via the medium of his mother.

“Oh! Did Barry tell you about the accident at the motel?” Lup looked shame faced. Oh no, of course she’d heard, and she thought that Barry had been disappointed and complained about it? She already felt so needlessly bad about it… Maybe fake collapsing would get him out of this… it worked with the school play when he was 9.

“The what, sorry Lup love, what do you mean? Is everything okay?”

“I’m really thirsty.” Barry announced far too loudly. He couldn’t let this conversation continue happening. No way no how.

“Oh, of course, sorry love, I shouldn’t leave you both stood out here, let me take you inside and get you settled in your room. I made up your bed and popped the trundle in your room, Barry. You were okay to share, weren’t you?” Barry didn’t miss the mischief in her voice, maybe he should just drive away? Marlena wouldn’t miss him too much with Lup around, and Barry could go back to the cryptid motel and make weird sculptures out of roadside junk or something. What could go wrong?

“Lead the way, Bluejeanseseses.” Lup saluted, two rucksacks perched on her shoulders. Barry shook his head fondly and took both of their elbows. It was the gentlemanly thing to do after all.

“We’ll meet you back in the kitchen, Mummig, we just need to dump our stuff.”

“Don’t rush on my account.” Marlena winked at him and Barry blushed violently red. He wasn’t convinced he was going to survive 5 days of this, the first 10 minutes had already been touch and go.

– “Listen…” Said Barry, as he stopped Lup in the hallway in front of a door with a sign which read: Barryabratory - enter if you dare “... the thing is…”

“Barryabratory?” Lup was delighted. This was bad. She’d already pulled out her phone to take a picture, which likely meant that Taako was also going to refuse to let him live this one down.

“I was a baby.” Barry held up his hands to protest his innocence, Lup glared at him, seeing straight through his lies.

“... a baby of…?”

“Fifteen…” There was no point in lying, the faster he admitted it, the quicker she’d get bored of teasing him about it. Lup snickered. “But…” He bravely soldiered on. “... just to warn you. This room? This is Barry unfiltered. I know your nerd radar is solid and you clocked me, loudly…” Barry pretends to glare. “...on day one. But, this is probably… more… you know… than… that.” He finished lamely.

“Full frontal Barry.” Said Lup solemnly. Barry didn’t even know how to process that. “This I need to see!” Lup lunged for the door handle. “I wanna know what extra nerdy shit baby Barry was into.”

She tumbled through the door and froze. Oh. It was worse than he thought. Marlena hadn’t moved anything… he definitely thought he’d asked her to move the animal skulls. Lup was going to think she’d been living with a serial killer, this was bad, this was probably really bad.

“Barry, are those real?”

Yep, she was pointing straight at the dead animal bits, she was going to run screaming and there was no way to convince her not to because ‘his childhood room was full of dead stuff he collected’ seemed like a big old red flag. “Er… sorry… I can move them? I… uh… I mean, yeah. Yeah they are, real, that is.”

“Rad!” Lup said happily, and walked over. “Can I?” She gestured towards the shelf. Barry nodded, barely breathing, waiting in the doorway to make sure she didn’t think he was crowding her. “This one’s corvid, right? Krav’s gonna be so jealous!”

Oh. Oh! Lup didn’t care? Of course, of course Lup didn’t care because she was the most perfect woman to ever grace the earth and she thought his skull collection was ‘rad’. So now he had to fall even more helplessly in love with her. There was nothing he could do to stop it, there was nothing he wanted to do to stop it.

“Ooooh, tell me about these jars?” Lup pointed at Percival, one of Barry’s earliest pickling experiments. “Then you definitely have to tour me round those rocks… Wait! Is that stoat wearing a top hat?” She darted over to inspect Stanley.

“Yeah, I, well I had to make one to fit, but then I had a bit of leftover material so I did the matching bowtie too.” Said Barry as he walked over to join her. He prodded gently at the bowtie, nothing happened. “It used to light up but the battery might have gone by now.”

Lup squeaked in delight. “Barry, I adore you.”

[elftwink]

no thoughts only taakitz superhero/villain coffeeshop au. taako’s power is shapeshifting but he has a cool gun from lup. kravitz’s power is Big Fuckin Scythe With Unspecified Abilities. also there was no time to get into it but fantasy starbucks isn’t a real starbucks it’s a borderline illegal unaffiliated bootleg starbucks that taako and lup own. like dumb starbucks was.

By all rights, it should have been a fairly routine night for the Reaper. Go out, stop some crimes, arrive just in time to prevent whatever scheme the Mongoose had cooked up this week, exchange some one liners, make some threats that essentially amounted to ‘same time next week?’, the works. A regular Tuesday as a superhero in Neverwinter.

But Kravitz is tired, and more than a little distracted, so he’s not doing so hot on the one liners, and the Mongoose’s attacks are a little closer than they would normally be. He doesn’t even have a good excuse, it’s not like he’s injured, or that he has anything pressing to think of.

It was just— this morning his barista (who he may or may not have been harbouring a small crush on) had mentioned offhand that he thought the Reaper was ‘probably hot under the stupid all-black getup’, and Kravitz didn’t really know what the protocol was for someone complimenting your alter-ego was.

“I think if you were gonna go for the strong silent type, you had to start doing it months ago. Now it’s just acting like an asshole. Are you mad at me?” the Mongoose cuts into his thoughts, firing off another few missiles from his stupid umbrella gun (Umbrastaff, he called it, although it was a gun and not a staff so Kravitz had no idea why he insisted on calling it that).

“We are literally fighting as we speak,” says Kravitz, playing up the cockney accent, spinning his scythe to deflect the missiles off the blade, sending them ricocheting around the room. He’d said something like ‘how can you tell’ to Taako— the barista (well, they’d been on a first name basis for a few weeks, so, Taako), and he’d said ‘I can just tell’ which was not at all helpful in getting Kravitz through the conversation without saying or doing something to give himself away.

He’d almost given Taako his number, but how was he going to justify that? Hey, it’s me under the all black getup. Do you want to go out sometime? As if.

“You can have fights without being fuckin’ rude,” says the Mongoose, firing off another few rounds, which Kravitz deflects again, advancing on him.

“You’re right, sorry. I’m a bit scattered. Not exactly my A game.” As if to prove his point, the Mongoose easily dodges his next couple swings with the scythe, not even bothering to leave his range.

“Clearly. I mean, normally you’re at least close enough that I can feel the breeze from your sword.”

“It’s not a sword, and you know that.” Kravitz brings down the scythe in the space where the Mongoose was only seconds before, having already backflipped out of the way and landed a few metres back. Show off. Not that Kravitz had room to complain about that. The Mongoose spins to face him again, at least this time seemingly aware of what a close call that was. He’s tense, and his hair, which Kravitz supposes has thus far been hidden underneath his costume, has come somewhat unravelled, black braid falling to the middle of his back.

It seems... familiar?

He doesn’t have time for that right now. Kravitz draws back the scythe, feeling the hum of energy under his fingers, swinging again, and—

“Wait! Time out!” the Mongoose puts up a hand and Kravitz, for who knows what reason, stops his scythe mid-swing. The familiarity sticks, so it’s not just a trick of the light. It takes him a second to place, but the hairstyle... it looks a lot like a certain barista he’d been spending all night thinking about.

He shakes his head, trying to clear it. It’s because he has Taako on the brain, is all. Besides, he has other things to worry about besides seeing his crush in his enemy. Namely the fight currently happening with said enemy. “What? You can’t call a time out.”

“I just did,” says the Mongoose, fishing through his pockets and pulling out several bobby pins, sticking them in his mouth so he can use both hands to fix his hair. Kravitz blinks, still trying to shake off the sense of deja vu, but it won’t quit nagging him. “It’s a whole safety issue to leave long hair down.”

“It’s still in a braid,” retorts Kravitz.

“Somebody never took Foodsafe.” the Mongoose gives him a lopsided grin that Kravitz fucking knows he’s seen before, and suddenly it’s more than just passing familiarity, and how could he possibly have not noticed before, and— the Mongoose finishes putting up his hair, raising an eyebrow at Kravitz and his private crisis. “Alright. Ready—”

“You work at Fantasy Starbucks,” blurts Kravitz, without even thinking about it. The Mongoose stops dead in his tracks, and Kravitz can see his eyes widen even behind the mask. He splutters for a moment, and then seems to find his footing, already ready with a snarky remark.

“Yeah, well— your accent is fake.”

Shit. He’d forgotten. At the only time so far that having it would have been useful too. Still, he pushes it out of his mind; the Mongoose hadn’t denied it. And, well, he’s already solidly derailed this fight, so he might as well get some real confirmation out of it.

“...Taako? It is you, isn’t it?”

“Just who the fuck are y—” The Mongoose— Taako— levels the Umbrastaff at him, and then stops again. “...Kravitz?”

Well. Shit. Again. Kravitz doesn’t bother to affirm that; his silence is more than enough confirmation. One of them has to say or do something, but the seconds stretch on.

“You’re telling me I said all that shit to your face this morning?” says Taako.

“That’s what you’re worried about right now?”

“Uh, yeah—” Taako is backing up now, and they’ve fought enough times that Kravitz knows when the Mongoose is looking for an escape route; Kravitz’s feet still feel glued to the floor, even when Taako reaches the window, fingers already turning to talons around the Umbrastaff. Taako breaks the glass (because of course he does, even though the windows aren’t even fucking locked), breaking eye contact with Kravitz in order to swing his legs through the window before his form changes too much. “Look, this is like, a lot right now, and I— I’m getting the fuck out of here,” he says, and then drops. Whatever had been keeping Kravitz in place, slack jawed, ends as soon as Taako leaves his sight, and he’s moving before he has time to think about it.

“Wait—!” Kravitz runs for the window, but by the time he gets there, the bird clutching the Umbrastaff is nearly out of sight.

Well. That could have gone better.

***

Kravitz doesn’t go for his coffee the next day. Or the next day, either, although the day after that he’s sick of making his own coffee. And frankly, he misses chatting with Taako. Even if the guy was trying to kill him like once a week. He couldn’t just avoid this forever.

Still, the fact that Taako is working cash when he comes in makes him want to turn tail and run back home. He conjures up the memory of yesterday’s shitty coffee and pushes onward. The shop is mostly empty still, so there’s no line.

“The usual?” says Taako, like nothing abnormal has happened.

“Please,” says Kravitz, and then, before he can chicken out entirely, adds, “Uhm, do you have a few minutes?”

“My shift isn’t over until—”

“I’ll cover you,” comes Lup’s voice from the back room; she pokes her head out and gives Taako a look that is clearly significant, but that Kravitz can’t quite puzzle out. “Take five minutes after you’re done making his coffee.”

Taako scowls at her, and she smiles brightly before heading to the back again.

“Okay. I guess I have five minutes. Talk to you after I make your coffee.”

Kravitz nods, and goes to hover around the pickup counter, pretending to be interested in things on his phone. Taako makes his coffee in a ceramic mug, which at least means he doesn’t want Kravitz to get the fuck out as soon as possible, so that’s... something.

Taako slides the finished coffee across the counter, circling around to join Kravitz on the customer side as Kravitz grabs the mug.

“Lup!” he hollers, and then starts walking towards one of the corner booths without checking to see if his sister is headed to cash or if Kravitz is following. Kravitz does, though, sliding himself into the seat opposite Taako, hands wrapped tightly around the mug.

Taako speaks first. “To be honest, I kinda thought you would rat me out.”

“That would be shitty of me, to just sic authorities on your place of work without so much as a warning.”

“So is this the warning?”

“No,” says Kravitz, taking a sip of his coffee, “I... can’t really make coffee without burning it. And this is the only place for miles with tolerable muffins.”

Taako cracks a grin, like Kravitz knew he would. “Flattery will get you nowhere.” His smile falls, and he crosses his arms and leans back. “So. Reaper. Why didn’t you rat me out?”

Why indeed. Kravitz takes another sip of his coffee and thinks for a second, not even sure himself what his explanation will be once he starts talking.

“It didn’t seem... fair. You’re less of a villain and more of a pain in my ass—” Kravitz ignores Taako’s indignant noise and keeps talking, “—and while we always have cause to fight when on the clock, you’re not doing anything that I feel needs to leave the bounds of those... work hours, I guess.”

Taako is trying to pick him apart with his gaze; it’s something he’s been subjected to several times, although normally in costume, and in retrospect it’s difficult to imagine how he spent so long not noticing the Mongoose in Taako.

Whatever Taako is looking for, he must find it, because he relaxes a bit, and shoots him a lazy grin. “Plus, Mongoose related insurance just got rolling and it would be fuckin’ rude to take me out of commission before anyone got to use theirs.”

Kravitz laughs. “Sure.” He’s silent for a second, before adding, “You aren’t planning on revealing my secret identity, are you? Awfully rude of you to double cross me like that.”

“Wha— You didn’t even give me a chance to respond! Maybe I wasn’t!”

“Were you?”

“I was,” admits Taako, not even pretending to look sheepish. Kravitz raises his eyebrows, and Taako shrugs. “Oh, like you didn’t think about revealing my secret identity? And could you imagine the hype if I unmasked the Reaper? I was tempted.” He sighs. “But I figured then you’d have no reason to keep my identity a secret. No way am I risking a backfire like that.”

It sounds callous, but Kravitz has been talking to Taako almost daily for months; at this point, he can pretty reliably pick up on when Taako isn’t being entirely truthful about something.

“Hmm. Then I suppose it’d be in my best interest not to tell you that I wouldn’t reveal your identity even if you revealed mine?”

Taako narrows his eyes. “Why not?”

Kravitz makes a face. “It’s just in poor taste. I just think we all go through all the trouble to hide who we are and use these powers for good— or whatever it is you do— that it’s always going to be such a low blow to reveal who we are. There might be times where it’s necessary, but petty revenge is not one of them.”

Taako’s expression hasn’t changed; if anything, he’s narrowed his eyes more. “God, you are like— fuckin’ irritatingly nice. Fine. I wasn’t going to reveal your identity. That would be fuckin’ annoying to deal with. Plus I’m having fun.”

“Fun?”

“Oh don’t— don’t fucking lie to me. I know you’re having fun out there too. With your stupid accent and one liners and shit.”

“Alright, alright,” says Kravitz, rolling his eyes. “But I’m not supposed to be having fun, so keep it quiet.”

“See, that’s why I market myself as a villain. No dumb rules.” He puts an elbow on the table and leans on his hand. “Why do you have a fake accent anyway?”

Heat rises to Kravitz’s face, and he’s hoping he looks less embarrassed than he feels. “It’s my— I do it so people don’t recognize my voice.”

Taako laughs. “Well, it doesn’t really do that if you immediately stop using it when you realize you might know someone.”

“I was caught off guard!” defends Kravitz. “It’s not every day you find out your nemesis is your barista.”

“Nemesis, huh?” Taako grins. “Didn’t realize it was that serious to you. You know I have other heroes to fight.”

Kravitz rolls his eyes again. “I don’t see how you have the time, considering how often you’re causing trouble for me.”

Taako laughs, and it’s so contagious and the whole conversation is so surreal Kravitz can’t help but laugh too, before they both lapse into a comfortable, if drawn out, silence.

“So, uh,” says Taako eventually, “what now?”

“Well,” says Kravitz, “I want to keep coming in for coffee in the mornings. And I assume the Mongoose will continue with... whatever chaos it is you currently have planned.”

“It’s not chaos,” insists Taako, “I have plans. But yeah. And I assume the Reaper is gonna show up and throw a wrench in those plans?”

“Yes, probably. So we’ll just be enemies by night...” Kravitz trails off, not entirely sure how to refer to their by day relationship. Friends? Potential love interests? Acquaintances? There’s a few seconds of awkward silence before Kravitz gives up entirely.

Taako pulls and pen and a napkin out of his pocket, jotting something down and pushing it towards Kravitz.

“Here’s, uh, here’s my number. If you give me a heads up five minutes before you get here, we can have your coffee ready by the time you walk in. If you’re nice to me out there.”

“I don’t take bribes,” says Kravitz, grabbing the napkin and pulling out his phone to type in the number.

“That wasn’t a bribe, it was a threat. You don’t even wanna know what I’ll do to your coffee if you fuck me up.”

Kravitz doesn’t bother to point out that neither of them have ever caused any extreme bodily harm to one another and instead says, “So you’re asking me to go easy on you? I thought you were having fun.” He sends Taako a ‘hey it’s kravitz’ text before he has time to second guess himself.

“Could you stop poking holes in my threats? You’re harshing my fuckin’ vibe, Krav.” He sounds irritated, but Kravitz can see the smile tugging at his lips as he texts Kravitz a couple of skull emojis. “I should get back to work before my sister kicks my ass,” he says, standing back up. “I’ll see you tonight, nemesis.” Then he turns on his heels and heads back to the counter, saying something to Lup as he walks by. Kravitz watches him disappear into the back room.

Tonight.

Kravitz had better make sure he had hung his cloak up to dry.

[anistarrose]

Summary: Angus leads a virtual book club meeting. Kravitz connects the dots. Taako makes significant updates to the list of people he trusts and things he believes.

Characters: Kravitz, Taako, Barry Bluejeans, Angus McDonald, Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch, Noelle | No-3113, The Raven Queen, The Director | Lucretia, misc. BoB cameos, Julia Burnsides, Garyl

Relationships: Taakitz, Angus McDonald & Taako, Barry Bluejeans & Kravitz, Kravitz & Angus McDonald

Bit by bit, we’re inching closer to the endgame! Lots of plot and angst in this update, but also I think I might’ve implied that Minecraft exists in Faerun, so it evens out, y’know?

By virtue of their trance state replacing sleep, elves were supposed to be good lucid dreamers. Taako had always experienced mixed results, but never moreso than tonight, with a dream that started out all saccharine romantic fantasy — fishing with Kravitz and sharing a kiss after falling into the lake together — before a clap of thunder and an unholy scream plunged the world into darkness and left one single source of light, one last surviving star, cradled in Taako’s unassuming hands.

Then a ripple in the darkness, the invisible maw of some ravenous entity, closed around that final star — and Taako screamed, as loud as he could muster yet still not loud enough to drown the ringing in his ears, as he flailed in the dark against the invisible monster that stole the world from him —

At once, two hands closed around his own, one cold and the other warm. On Taako’s left was Kravitz, aghast but holding himself together, a steely composure to his posture despite the fear in his eyes.

On Taako’s right was a Red Robe — but not Barry, and in fact not anything like what Taako had started to accept as normal for Red Robes. Where Barry had a clouded darkness in place of hands and a face, this lich had pure static escaping from within her sleeves and beneath her hood, crackling and constantly changing shape like lightning, or… like fire.

Taako sat up in his bed covered in cold sweat, heart pounding as he realized his legs were hopelessly tangled in his sheets, and only slightly slowing when he realized there was nothing in his bedroom to run from.

Elves were supposed to rarely awaken late, but Taako’s wizard hat-shaped alarm clock — a gift that Angus that he’d quietly appreciated, even though it should have been redundant — indicated that it was mid-morning, and when he trudged out into the common area, he found no sign of his doormates besides a note written in Magnus’s distinctive scrawl.

I know you were busy last night, so we’re letting you sleep in while we go play Fantasy Kickball on the quad! Killian and Avi are team captains and their rivalry is fierce, so we’ll probably be playing all day if you want to join us! Love, Magnus! (And Merle)

Taako didn’t realize how relieved he was until he felt himself let out a sigh.

He had a sinking feeling that the same dream — or at least, a similar dream — had played out more than once that night, looping over and over again as he repeatedly failed to remember, much less control, where it was going. He felt too exhausted to be operating on even a single minute of dreamless sleep, and didn’t even want to think about holding a conversation with anyone…

Well, with most people. There was someone he’d really been meaning to chat with, before he’d been distracted by haircuts and Kravitz and pottery and stargazing and Kravitz.

He transmuted a mug of lukewarm tap water to a piping hot, high-caffeine tea, then picked up his Umbra Staff, and conjured a familiar phantom steed with twin horns that nearly grazed the ceiling as he reared and whinnied.

“Yooo! Mornin’, Taako!”

“Morning, Garyl.” Taako yawned. “Could you do me a favor, and tell me literally anything you know about the liches you said I used to hang out with?”

***

CalebClevelandFan#2045: All early-installment weirdness aside, I really do think it’s a great introduction to the series! Because of the retcons you’ll encounter later, there are some conspiracy theories that the most recent arc of Caleb Cleveland was ghostwritten to maximize the publishing rate (which I think is hogwash, because continuity errors are going to be inevitable no matter who’s writing) but I guess I’ll let you decide for yourself when you get there! Do you need to stop by the moon again to borrow Book 2?

ReaperAwMan#1672: No thank you, Angus! I think I’m going to try and download the “digital” version, now that I know I can do that on my Stone! Taako told me about that feature and a lot of others last night, so if I can’t get it to work, I’ll just call him and ask him to walk me through it. :)

ReaperAwMan: Did I use the smiley face correctly?

CalebClevelandFan: Yes! :) You’ve picked up on technology a lot faster than my grandpa did.

CalebClevelandFan: Did Taako also choose your username on this app, though?

ReaperAwMan: How did you know? Is it a reference to something? :)

CalebClevelandFan: Um

CalebClevelandFan: Yes, but it’s a long story. It’s not mean-spirited or anything, though! I think it’s pretty funny!

ReaperAwMan: Okay! :)

CalebClevelandFan: Is that all for book club today? If it is, Mr. Kravitz, I just want to say that I’d be happy to talk to you again about Caleb Cleveland anytime!

CalebClevelandFan: It means a lot to me, but I understand if you’re too busy (message edited)

ReaperAwMan: Oh, there’s always time for book club, Angus!

ReaperAwMan: But I admit, I have had a lot on my mind…

CalebClevelandFan: Is it the liches? Since the Reclaimers aren’t in trouble anymore? (By the way, I went to tell Noelle she didn’t have to worry about getting reaped, but apparently she’s visiting family, so I left a message with her teammates Carey and Killain..)

ReaperAwMan: Excellent deduction. (And thank you for that. I hope she gets the message soon.)

ReaperAwMan: You’re right, I’m still hunting Lup and Barry Bluejeans, but… I just can’t shake the feeling that they’re connected to Taako and the others.

CalebClevelandFan: Really? What makes you say that?

ReaperAwMan: Well, I didn’t think much of this for a long time, and now I’m kicking myself for it, but their bounties registered in our system at the same time as Taako’s, Magnus’s, and Merle’s. We figured it was just a widespread detection glitch, which has happened before on a much smaller scale, but now it feels awfully suspicious. The Reclaimers have also encountered Barry at least four times now, without even seeking him out the first three times, whereas finding Barry is my job, and I get a lead on him about twice a year, if I’m lucky.

CalebClevelandFan: That is odd. Did any other bounties show up at that same time? Do you know if they have any kind of connections to Barry?

ReaperAwMan: Only two others, for a couple of people named Lucretia and Davenport. They must be living like hermits, because it’s been 12 years and I know as little about them as I do about Lup. Not a lot of leads there, I’m afraid.

(CalebClevelandFan is typing…)

(CalebClevelandFan is typing…)

CalebClevelandFan: Hmm. Huh! I wish I could say those names meant something to me, but I’ve never heard them before in my life! Truly unfortunate, that. But, I do suspect that Barry appearing to the Reclaimers is because the Red Robes made the Grand Relics, and it’s the Reclaimers’ job to track those seven relics down!

ReaperAwMan: You mean to tell me that Barold J. Bluejeans made a Grand Relic, and the Reclaimers all knew that information, but didn’t think it would be important to tell me?! This is simultaneously the most and least surprised I’ve been at any point in my afterlife.

CalebClevelandFan: Well, I guess there’s a reason I’m the moon’s resident boy detective and they aren’t, sir!

ReaperAwMan: Wait. Angus.

CalebClevelandFan: Yes?

ReaperAwMan: Seven relics. Seven bounties.

CalebClevelandFan: Sorry, sir, I’m not following. What’s the connection?

ReaperAwMan: I know this is going to sound impossible, but…

ReaperAwMan: Taako is a transmutation wizard. The Philosopher’s Stone can transmute any material into anything else. Merle is a nature cleric, and the Gaia Sash offers control over natural disasters and the wilderness. Then of course, Barry is a lich like no other, and the Animus Bell is the most dangerous necromantic artifact I’ve ever been tasked with monitoring. I don’t know exactly how Magnus fitz into this, or how the other three bounties have managed to hide from me, but…

ReaperAwMan: I think Taako, Merle, and Magnus made three of the Grand Relics!

ReaperAwMan: Angus? Are you still there?

CalebClevelandFan: Sorry, I just rebooted my Stone, but I still can’t read your second-to-last message! It just looks like static, but I was inoculated, so that shouldn’t be possible!

ReaperAwMan: I’m not sure what you mean by “inoculated,” but if the app is glitching, then do you want me to call you?

CalebClevelandFan: It may not be the app, sir. And if it isn’t, I fear a phone call won’t make any difference… but I just got an idea! I’m going to go check if Noelle is back yet — she should be able to help with this. Please bear with me for a few minutes, sir!

ReaperAwMan: Okay, then… good luck!

Head in his hand, Kravitz scrolled back up to the offending message, reading it over once more.

I think Taako, Merle, and Magnus made three of the Grand Relics!

It made sense, but it shouldn’t have. Despite all the questions it answered, it raised more in their place — and Kravitz had been ready to accept that he was wrong, ready for brilliant little Angus to chime in with a piece of evidence that refuted it all...

Except that message, and that message alone, hadn’t made it to Angus in the first place — and wasn’t that the most damning, of all the so-called coincidences aligning before Kravitz’s eyes?

The Reclaimers made Grand Relics and consorted with liches. The Reclaimers can’t remember making Grand Relics or consorting with liches.

Someone is hiding the truth from the Reclaimers, and from Angus. Someone is hiding the truth from the entire Bureau of Balance.

Is it Barry? Does he have that much power? Is he working with someone? With Lup?

Kravitz summoned his scythe with the full intention of warping straight to the moonbase, and bringing his four friends from the Bureau directly back to the Astral Plane — not to take them prisoner, but simply to get them somewhere safe, somewhere to talk without Queen-knows-what outside forces eavesdropping or interfering. Yet before he could open a rift, Kravitz’s vision flashed blue, and a faint yet familiar tug directed his focus towards a much different region of the Material Plane.

A voice echoed in his head, too distorted to identify the speaker, but the words themselves were clear enough:

Kravitz, help!

Kravitz’s Stone of Farspeech clattered onto his desk as he raised his fingers to his temples and closed his eyes, honing in on the location of the summoning arrow. It was surrounded by undead presences of several shapes and forms, but one aura outshone all the others — one unmistakable red aura, crackling with power, and… desperation.

There was a very short list of people on the Material Plane with access to this kind of summoning beacon — and no matter what dark secrets their pasts held, Kravitz couldn’t bear the thought of any of them being left alone with an incredibly powerful, secret-keeping, Relic-crafting lich who had finally, finally snapped.

With a frantic swing of his scythe, he ripped open a jagged portal to the arrow’s location, and leapt through without even pausing to retrieve his Stone.

Hang on, boys! I’m coming!

***

“If you wanna hear anything about liches,” Garyl declared, “that information comes with a price. Which you know is gonna be oats, ‘cause what would I even do with gold? I’m just a funky little 80’s horse remix, so you gotta hand over those spectral oats, dude.”

Taako sighed. “Garyl. I know you’re not gonna like this question. But before you whine, please consider the fact that I’m not in the fucking mood. Now: does it have to be oats?”

“A pound of spectral oats is worth two spectral carrots or one spectral sugar cube! That’s the conversion rate. If you offer a spectral salt lick, I may be willing to negotiate.”

Taako conjured two floating, semi-tangible carrots with a wave of his umbrella, and levitated them over to Garyl, who took a bite out of both at once.

“That’s the stuff!” he whinnied. “Okay, so. Liches. Whatcha wanna know about ‘em?”

“You said, like — like two days ago now — that you used to get spectral oats from liches that I hung out with. Garyl, I need to know: was that true, or were you just guilting me for not spoiling you with enough treats?”

Garyl’s response was rendered completely indecipherable by the fresh bite of carrot in his mouth, part of which splattered across the floor and narrowly missed Taako.

“This is serious, Garyl! I’ve been meaning to ask you about this for a while, but it keeps getting more serious.” Taako groaned. “I… I didn’t even realize it, until I was talking to Kravitz last night, but… it’s just… okay, look. He remembers his whole life crystal clear, right down to how many stars you could see from this planet eight hundred and twenty years ago, but…”

He lowered his voice, glancing towards the door. “My past has always just been… fuzzy to me. I never really worried about it, but… I’m just now realizing that this might not be normal. And that if it isn’t, then I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Garyl swallowed the last of the carrots. “Yo, your past isn’t fuzzy to me. You really don’t remember your lich buddies — your lich family? Your literal sister and brother-in-law?”

“No, Garold, I don’t remember the sound of getting electrocuted in a fantasy garbage disposal!” Taako rubbed his forehead with increasing vigor, futilely attempting to massage away the sensation of an approaching migraine. “I don’t know how you made that noise with your nasty horse mouth, but it sounded just as bad as the static Lich Barry was speaking when —”

He gasped — and in the ensuing silence, the static kept ringing in his ears, but not as an audible echo. It was coming from within his own head, like a misdirected electric current leaping from neuron to neuron, generated as his mind repeatedly tried and failed to process what he’d just heard… and Taako knew exactly where he’d felt that sensation before.

“Oh, fuck.”

He bolted for the door, locked it, then frantically emptied his pockets until he found his Stone of Farspeech, which he powered down and then magically silenced for extra insurance. “Shit. Shit. Fuck.”

“Yo, what’s the rush?” Garyl asked. “Didja just remember you owe the unicorn mafia a whole bushel of oatsss?”

“What the hell? No!” Taako cradled Garyl’s snout in his hands, standing on his tiptoes to stare at Garyl in the eyes. “Promise me, promise me right now, Garyl, that you’re not gonna fucking snitch.”

Garyl’s expression turned as serious as a binicorn’s expression could turn, given two horns, technicolor eyes, and glittering lashes to work with. “Taako, you gave me life. I’ve always got your back, man.”

“There’s a second voidfish,” Taako blurted out. “And you’re more ghost than horse, I guess, so you’re immune to it, but I’m not. And I — I think I lost something big to it.”

“Huh.” Garyl snorted. “Damn. Geez, yeah. That would explain some things about, man, musta been…” He closed his eyes, nostrils twitching. “The last twelve years? That sound right?”

“Please, Garyl. You — you might know me better than I know me, at this point, so I need you to tell me — who can I trust?”

“I can’t decide that for you, Taako.” Garyl arched his majestic equine neck, as a single tear rolled down his face, and his mullet billowed in a wind that simply shouldn’t have been possible indoors. “Look at what you know to be true in your heart, and begin the journey towards your truth by trusting yourself.”

“I’m not here to listen to your poetry, Garyl — I need names!” Taako pleaded. “Like, I — I can at least trust Kravitz, right?”

“Look, man, I’m sorry! I could tell you who you used to trust, but if someone took a Voidfish-brand eraser to your chalkboard of a brain, that means someone had to betray you, and I dunno who it was! Kravitz is probably chill, because he seems on the level and you haven’t known him long enough for him to be the culprit — but I’m still juggling like six suspects, and I’ve only got four hooves, man! I’m trying my best to —”

Abruptly, Garyl’s voice died out, and he lowered his eyes. “Well, okay, it would be… five suspects. ‘Cause… Lup definitely went missing before any memories got…”

Taako clapped his hands over his ears. “Can you try not to do that? I’m already on the edge of a migraine without —”

A knock at the door interrupted him, and the next thing he knew, he was brandishing his Umbra Staff — never mind the fact that he’d locked that door just a minute ago, and it had since remained closed.

“Taako?” Lucretia called from the hallway. “Are you alright in there?”

After what must’ve been a suspiciously long pause, “Fine!” was the only word Taako could force out.

“Just dandy!” Garyl added in a terrible Taako impression, and Taako elbowed him in the equine shoulder.

“You’re sure?” The quizzical tilt to Lucretia’s head was downright audible. “You don’t sound like yourself.”

Taako bit back a reply of golly, I wonder if that’s because I don’t who I am or how much of myself I’m missing! but managed something more civil, clamping a hand over Garyl’s mouth as he spoke.

“Just had a late night last night! Took some… personal hours. May or may not be nursing a mild hangover now.”

“Oh, we’ve all been there. Merle did mention you were sleeping in.” Lucretia sounded like her suspicion had been sated — unless, of course, she just wanted Taako to think that — because in a much more casual voice that carried far less gravitas, the next thing she asked was: “Do you mind if I come in? I feel like we haven’t talked since Candlenights.”

“No problem!” Taako replied, probably much too quickly. He uttered the word ‘unlock’ under his breath in Elvish, to magically undo his little paranoia-induced security measure before swinging the door open, and hoping Lucretia wouldn’t notice the door had been locked or go on to question why. “Mi casa es tu casa — ‘cause, y’know, mi casa is technically part of your moonbase.”

If Lucretia did notice the unlocking door, she only questioned it silently, because her attention seemed understandably drawn to the binicorn trotting in place in the middle of the dorm.

“Oh, Garyl! Good to see you too.”

“Haha, yeah!” Garyl chuckled nervously. “Imagine meeting you, here, in a place like this! What are the odds?”

Lucretia lowered herself onto the sofa, glanced at Magnus’s rugged hand-crafted coffee table, and pointed to her feet. “Do you mind?”

Taako shrugged. “Uh… knock yourself out, Luce?”

She kicked off her heeled boots and slung her feet onto the table, laying her staff down in her lap. “Let’s get to the point. I did come here for a particular reason —”

“Oh?” Taako forced a smile. “Do tell.”

“Well, Merle and Leon got into a bit of an argument over — actually, let me start from the beginning. At some point in today’s second game, the kickball went over the edge of the moon, and has probably hit the planet Earth at terminal velocity by now.” Lucretia grimaced. “I hope no one was standing beneath it. Yikes.”

“Home run, baby!” Garyl cheered. Taako simply attempted to nod along.

“Actually, by our rules, it’s a foul with a sizeable penalty. Leon was pitching and Merle was kicking, so naturally they got into a fight over whose fault it was, and Merle threatened — let me see if I remember this all correctly — to ask you, Taako, to ask your ‘new friend the Grim Reaper’ to come up here and ‘reap Leon’s ass’ like said Grim Reaper purportedly once threatened to reap Merle’s own ass. So I was just hoping to get to you first, and stage an intervention to make sure the Bureau’s only artificer doesn’t take a one way trip to the heavens above — not to mention, maybe, ask if you had any idea what the hell Merle was talking about?”

“Well, bold statement saying Leon would go to heaven, first of all. Pretty sure he’d head the way of the plummeting kickball and smash through the planet’s crust. Second of all, um, I guess you could say I know the Grim Reaper? Look, we haven’t been seeing each other for very long, but I think we both feel a connection —”

“Oh! Well, good for you! Don’t get me wrong, that’s fucking wild if you mean it seriously rather than as a goof, but I’m still happy for you!”

“Not a goof. That is the whole story there, though. I’m dating the Grim Reaper, what more is there to say?” Taako grinned from ear to ear, and it felt slightly more sincere than every other smile he’d put on in this disaster of a conversation. “But as a… as an aside… uh, Garyl, do you remember those… six, no, five people you mentioned to me, just before Lucretia showed up?”

Garyl blinked at him with a downright hostility, as if to say You’re circling back to this topic NOW?

“Your, um, suspect list?” Taako clarified. “Of… people on the moon most likely to give you oats? I guess it was more like a power ranking, actually, let’s definitely call it a power ranking instead of a suspect list — but my point is, um, was the ‘Director’ here on it?”

“Yee-esssss,” Garyl replied slowly, still giving Taako the evil eye. “You know what I always say about Lucretia: she… she totes got the oats!”

“Okay!” Taako replied, knuckles turning white as he gripped the handle of the Umbra Staff. “Thanks! For letting me know! About those oat facts!”

“Um,” said Lucretia, which was probably the best reaction that Taako could’ve reasonably hoped for. “I… think I misplaced my oats today. Also, maybe my supply of oats for this entire year?” She reached for her boots. “Is this a hint that I should go back to refereeing kickball?”

“Yes!” Taako blurted out. “Oh, I mean, no, it’s not — I mean, you can leave! But you don’t have to. We don’t mind you being here!”

“We don’t not want you to leave but we also don’t not not not want you to leave,” Garyl added, as if it were a verbal Fantasy Rosetta Stone that would clarify and explain all of Taako’s anxious floundering. “Because we trust and cherish you. And oats! Mostly oats.”

Lucretia slipped her boots back on, then rose from her seat in a regal manner that probably wasn’t intended to intimidate the living daylights out of Taako. “No, you have a point. I should go make sure our secret society doesn’t fracture into warring kickball factions — but I’ll be back to chat more, don’t worry. Hopefully on a day you’re feeling better, Taako.”

She winked at Garyl as she turned to leave. “And I’ll try and remember to bring oats. Gotta move up in those power rankings.”

“It was actually more like a tier list!” Garyl called as she closed the door. When Taako magically locked it behind her, Garyl began pacing around the dorm, his tail swishing with enough force to knock several paintings and decorative vases onto the floor.

“Taako! She never has oats and she knows it! She’s onto us!”

“Yeah, you think?” Taako sunk into the couch Lucretia had vacated, burying his head in his hands. “I need backup who can hear through the static, before she puts it together and comes back to throw me in the brig. I’m calling Kravitz.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do that. I’ll keep working on the tier list.” As Taako began to reboot his Stone, Garyl accelerated his nervous pacing to a nervous trot.

“Garyl, if this turns into a canter, I swear to gods —” Taako muttered, tapping the Stone’s unresponsive screen with a shaky thumb.

“Sorry.” Garyl slowed to a halt. “Hmm. You trust Davenport more, less, or the same as Lucretia?”

“What, you think he just pretends he can only say his own name to disguise his role as the evil mastermind?” Taako’s stomach churned. “Shit. You might be onto something. Put him below Lucretia on the tier list. Or above? I dunno how —”

“Wait, I’m not following you, man. Since when can Dav can only say his own name?”

Taako groaned. “I’m gonna take a wild guess and say since twelve fucking years ago — alright, finally! Here we go!” His Stone of Farspeech flickered to life, and he navigated to Kravitz’s contact page as quickly as his trembling fingers allowed.

When he hit Call, an eerie silence filled the dorm as he and Garyl listened to one, two, three, four short rings — then, a beep, and a horrendous pre-recorded Cockney accent.

Hullo, greetings, and top o’ the morning! You’ve successfully reached the desk of Kravitz, Emissary of Her Majesty the Raven Queen, but I’m away right now, so if you have a zombie outbreak to report, press 1. If you wish to subscribe to our mailing list of anti-necromancy resources, press 2. If you’re dead and in need of an escort to the Astral Plane, press 3. If you just wanted to have a friendly chat, please leave a message after the caw, and I’ll get back to you once I’m able.

A raven cawed, and Taako started talking:

“Hey, babe, it’s me! Your boy. Um, don’t let me take you away from saving the world from necromancers or anything important like that… but if you’re not busy, I could really use your help, so if you could swing by the moonbase, and — and maybe not tell anyone you’re coming here or that you’re coming to see me — then that would be just swell! Everything’s cool, nothing’s wrong — well, no, you’re a perceptive guy, you can definitely tell something’s wrong — but I’m sure you and me, and Garyl, and maybe Angus will be able to figure it out, no problem! Except, now that I think about it, maybe not Angus, because I’ve put him in enough danger to solve my own problems already — but uh, thanks in advance, love you, see you soon, bye!”

Then he dropped his Stone, grabbed the nearest couch pillow, and screamed into it.

“Hey, hey, relaaax,” Garyl told him. “You heard him — he’ll get back to you soon.”

“Yeah. I know.” Taako took a deep breath, letting the pillow fall to the ground. “He’s just a busy guy, with an important job. He’ll be here as soon as he can…”

Garyl nodded sagely. “And you’d do the same, for him, because that’s love. Unless…”

Taako’s heart skipped a beat. “Unless?”

“Unless someone on the lower end of the trust tier list knows about his connection to you, and to keep hiding the truth, they capture him before he can get here!” Garyl sniffed. “Just like the unicorn mafia captured my dear ol’ uncle…”

Taako pressed the Call button again, and when he was once again directed to voicemail, he picked the pillow back up and resumed screaming.

“Hey, take it easyyy, man. It’s not like they can kill him,” Garyl soothed. “And b’sides, haven’t you got that… that whatsit-called, that magic arrow? You can still check in on him that way, even if the bad guys stole his Stone!”

“Right!” Taako sprung up from the couch, and bolted towards the quiver of arrows that Magnus had casually slung onto the doorknob of his room. “I mean, I’m sure his phone didn’t even get taken from him — he’s eight and a half centuries old, for crying out loud! He probably just misplaced it, or accidentally put it on silent, or… gee, we really don’t have a lot of traditional surfaces to jab arrows into here, do we?”

He glanced around the dorm, gaze finally landing on Magnus’s homemade coffee table. “I’ll just… wedge it in one of the seams in the wood, so it definitely won’t be noticeable, right?”

“You asking me? I’m apparently an amnesia-immune ghost horse, man — what makes ya think I’d ever want or attempt to understand woodworking?”

“Guess you’ve never attempted to understand a rhetorical question, either,” Taako muttered as he crouched on the ground. Clasping the arrow between two hands, he took a deep breath, then plunged it into the coffee table. “Kravitz? I could really use your help, I won’t lie, but — but mostly, I’m worried and just checking in to make sure you’re okay —”

For a sliver of a second, everything seemed to proceed as it should, with an electric blue glow flickering to life inside the arrowhead — and then, it exploded, spitting out fragments of crystal and tongues of vicious astral fire. Taako reflexively turned his head and dropped to the floor, but still felt something sharp and burning prick into his biceps like a red-hot needle, and he held his breath until the sound of shattering crystal halted and the sound of burning wood faded to a faint sizzling.

“So, uh…” Garyl slowly backed away from Magnus’s poor table, which was already more ‘smoldering pile of ash and sapphire dust’ than it was furniture. “This ever happen before?”

“No,” Taako whispered. He raised a hand to touch the stinging point on his arm, and pulled away with a droplet of blood and a tiny pointed crystal both resting atop his index fingertip. “Never —”

“Okay, cool, that narrows down the possibilities,” Garyl concluded. “Either he’s really busy, or we’re really fucked.”

This time, Taako didn’t even bother to grab a pillow before he started screaming.

***

End Notes:

thanks for reading, comments welcomed as always!

next chapter: Ghost Fight (or in other words, we get to see what Kravitz has been up to in the meantime)

[nillial]

ohoho! a new chapter of come hell or high water!!! 

summary: Taako breaks his umbrella during the Petals to the Metal race, unknowingly freeing Lup, who is almost immediately captured by Kravitz. After becoming a member of the Raven Queen's retinue with Kravitz as her trainer, she has two missions: 1) find her family, and 2) ruin Kravitz's afterlife. A story about enemies becoming friends and lost families finding their way back to one another.

in this chapter: i giveth and i taketh away

read the first chapter here! 

a lil sample for you: Lup exits the portal Kravitz has made for them, her arms full of shopping bags. “This place is about to get so much better,” she says, immediately dumping them all on the coffee table. Kravitz follows behind her, also carrying a mountain of bags. He drops them rather unceremoniously onto the ground the moment he walks into the apartment, then wills the portal closed. “I don’t know about that.” “Aw, come on. How do you not wanna decorate this place?” She gestures to the room they’re standing in, which, although well-furnished, has few adornments. The walls are a plain white, the curtains are a basic black, and there are no paintings (unless you count Kravitz’s most recent Employee of the Year award, which he has framed above the mantel). “We’re about to Fantasy HGTV this whole apartment.” “I just don’t know if it’ll look…” He pulls one of Lup’s decorations— an eye-searing hot pink clock with an anime girl on its face— out of a bag. “... good.” “Oh, shut up. I have impeccable taste. Besides, you’re the one who got this.” She reaches inside a shopping bag and reveals one of Kravitz’s choices: a black metal plate with two plague doctors on either side of some text that reads Wash Your Hands. “It’s perfect! It’s perfect bathroom decor!” he argues. “I just— I don’t know. I feel like our tastes will… clash, is all I mean.” “You mean compliment each other perfectly?” she asks. “This is our apartment, man. We can do whatever the fuck we want. In fact, I think I’m gonna nail a stuffed animal to the wall right now.” “Please don’t.” “No, it’s definitely gonna happen. But first, we’ll put all these up.” She begins to dig around in the bags before pulling out a stone statue of a kitten with bat wings. “Aw, is this yours?” He snatches it away from her. “I’m putting her on the mantel.” “Her?” At that, he looks sort of embarrassed, but presses on anyways. “We aren’t allowed to have actual pets in the apartments, so she’s my cat now. I’m calling her Meredith.”

read the rest on ao3!

[handsmotif]

ok ipre mall au is winning the poll rn so let me toss some of the current worldbuilding ideas I have for it

Magnus works at the pet store. They sell crickets there to feed to reptiles. it’s a running bit that whenever someone makes a bad joke the crickets start chirping

taako works at the food court. lup also unofficially works there. her main job is at hot topic but she bothers taako so much whenever she’s not on the clock that she knows everything on the menu and can help customers if taako is busy

kravitz also works at hot topic. this is how he and taako met. lup teases taako endlessly about his crush on him

Barry works at build a bear. everyone jokes about bear and barry. Barry jokes about it being the closest thing to necromancy he can get at the mall. there’s a lot of jokes here. he used to work at a clothing store to get their discount on jeans but he quit and now he just has so many jeans

Lucretia works at the book store and it’s one of those nerdy ones that also sells like tabletop games and has anime merch. The store hosts a D&D game every Saturday and she DMs

Merle works at a vape shop. he hooks everyone up with the Good Good

Dav is the manager at the mall’s movie theater, and he sneaks everyone in for free

BONUSES! Johann works at the music store. Avi works at the vape shop with merle. Carey and Killian both work at Spencer’s and that’s how they met and started dating

the food court is their Hang Out Place. whenever anyone is on their lunch break that’s where they go. hangin out. doing stuff that young people who either dropped out of college, recently graduated, or didn’t even go to college do. you know. and definitely NOT smoking weed in the parking lot. welcome to Starblaster Mall we are all children of jesus

“has anyone ever noticed that we’re just living in a 6teen au?

“but there’s 7 of us”

“yeah”

“and none of us are 16”

“yeah”

[herbgerblin]

Taakitz Wedding Au in 3 parts

Aka I went off the shits again with the content and this was supposed to be short and simple but, in the words of Brian David Gilbert, “God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished.”

Anonymous asked: Do u think we could see the full outfits of Taako and Kravitz's wedding outfits and a cake like u did with Lup's wedding? Because Taako would be sO extra extra the food and his outfit for sure

I had already been sitting on this idea since I worked on the other post so:

Part 1: Merry Go Round of Life

Taako insisted he was going to cater his own wedding. And then Lup sat him down and spoke some sense into him. And of course when you’ve had sense spoken into you, it’s rather difficult to get it removed. So she was in charge of catering the wedding. 

As Taako was describing the theme (which he had been planning after he and Kravtiz had adopted their third cat. Taako kept a tabbed binder and everything) Lup asked him what he had in mind for the cake decor.

The following bit resulted:

Taako: Make the cake topper look like me twerking on Kravtiz’s-- Lup: No. Taako: Taako: Make the cake topper look like Kravitz grinding on my-- Lup: NO!!!

In the end, Lup makes an extravagant cake, stacked upon four stands of varying heights, with little lacy staircases to connect them. The cake is decorated with black fondant with silver raven feather line work, and lavender piping in the shape of roses. Each layer was a different flavor.*

*Taako would later learn that the top cake was filled with key lime gogurt. This was mildly upsetting.

Taako: That’s the bougiest shit I’ve ever laid my eyes on. How’d you come up with this? Lup: I looked up “ridiculous wedding cake” on fantasy google. Apparently these staircase cakes were once in fashion. Vintage, ya know what I mean? Taako: So it’s a throwback, hell yeah! (they highfive)

Part 2 and 3 under the cut:

Part 2:  I write Sins Not Tragedies

Lup is done up in her bridesmaid’s dress. It’s a beautiful lavender gown. 

It took a million and one different color palettes before her brother settled on it, but this one had stayed on the board no matter what combinations they chose, so ultimately it became the main accent. (Aside from black, which was a given. Kravitz insisted.) 

“Ko? Are you ready to go?” She asks, knocking gently on the door.

Taako had requested to himself ready. She figured he just wanted a chance to clear his head from all the frenzy. She half suspected him to have made a portal and go off the grid by now.

She wouldn’t put it beneath him, but she wouldn’t also think he’ll stoop to that, what with the enthusiasm he had attempted to hide in the nearly two years it took to execute this whole thing. Besides, even though Lup would kill a man for breaking her brother’s heart, she had come to care for Kravitz enough that if Taako ran out on him, she’d track her brother down herself and backhand him.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” his muffed voice says through the door.

Lup walks in and he looks...weirdly calm? Like, Taako is usually exuding confidence to an astronomical degree. But right now he looks, almost serene as he looks up at his sister. 

It’s only after getting over this initial start that Lups notices that Taako isn’t wearing some, bold extravagant gown or three piece suit or cowled robe, or any other gaudy attire like everyone expected. Admittedly it’s still appropriate. It’s a white lace collar blouse with lavender accents. Grey trousers with white, floral embroidered boots are trailed by a short tail of lavender tulle. A silver sash is tied at the waist with a bow. A light blue cord is pinned to his chest with symbols of two clock hands--a gift from Lady Istus. 

He wears a glowing, nearly translucent wizard hat. His curly hair is braided into neat plaits and tied together with one big lavender ribbon. Flowers are tucked behind his ears. He’s look beautiful. But again--for Taako--simple.

“Care to explain this one, Ko,” Lup says, pulling up a chair and gesturing at him. “I would’ve sworn you were gonna go out there whole circus in tow, you know.” Taako rolls his eyes.

“Yeah I know,” He says, only a bit irritable. “But I was...well I was thinking, and I guess--You know, I’m gettin married. And Taako is like, a whole super production--the brand, that is. And it’s so often for everybody to experience it. But this is my day! And I guess, I just really wanted, for myself--or for Krav, I guess, to just have....me.”

And then he looks just the tiniest bit sheepish. It’s just him and Lup right now, and Lup can see in his eyes the uncertainty he wouldn’t dare show to anyone else.

Lup beams. She puts a hand on his shoulder and says, “You look fucking amazing babe.”

Taako perks up at that. “Hells yeah, I do! Those fuckos better watch out. Best believe I’m getting pics after the ceremony in my gaudy ass getup. Cuz Taako does not waste a look!”

Lup, rising from her seat says, “Well if you’re good, I can take one last peak to make sure everyone else is all set up.”

“Yeah, you go do that,” Taako says. But now his voice wavers. She can tell from his fidgeting legs that a new wave of anxiety has hit him like a harpoon. His voice is pitched higher. “Everything’s going to be fucking fresh as hell.”

“Taako, you’re deflecting again,” Lup says, deadpan. She whips out a stone of farspeech from her purse and dials in. “Hey, babe, Barry? Taako’s at a code yellow? How we looking over there?”

“Uh...how do I best put this?” Barry’s voice says in response. “I think Kravitz is...molting? He’s pacing around and his cowl* is growing and shedding feathers like there’s no tomorrow.”

Lup groans. “I can’t believe we have to marry these idiots.”

*Kravitz’s outfit is a dark grey, almost military style jack with black slacks, gloves and shoes. He wears a cowl of raven feathers pined by two small raven skulls and a red cord. His locs are braided back and two feathers are tucked in his hair. In the picture, he and Taako are holding hands and smiling at each other.

Part 3: Run to You

It’s time to go in. Even with Lup there to lean against, Taako is faltering every other step. He curses silently at his own legs. It’s a long walk, which is going to be even worse when they actually get in because they chose a venue with a long fucking aisle. After the third trip up, Lup has to hiss at him. “Ko, this is being recorded.”

“I know!” He bites back. “I’m doing my best.”

She gives him a concerned glance. “Do you want to stop?” she mouthes.

“Hell no,” he mutters.

Taako can’t for the life of him figure out why he feels so clumsy. Repressed emotions? Nah, that can’t be it. That’s future Taako’s problem.

Future Taako and Future Taako’s Husband’s Problem.

“Shit,” Taako whispers, stumbling again.

He would never want for his feelings to burden on Kravitz. Or well--not like, more than a general annoyance. But like? In a charming way? Endearing? Taako could never possess Magnus’ rustic hospitality, but he hopes--or rather, he expects to be seen with a certain degree of adoration.

Taako sighs. He knows that Kravitz adores him, with such oceanic depth that he could drown in it. Taako, thieving wizard chef, remembers wanting so much of it before knowing him, and never feeling like he had enough. Until now. 

So he’s going to try. Not to be good, mind you. Pfftt. That’s no fun. But to be...kind. And loving. And--occasionally--honest. 

He’s going to be the best damned husband Death has ever seen. 

Somehow Taako and Lup manage to turn the corner and reach the open doors. They stride ahead as everyone waiting for them begins to rise and--

Then Taako sees Kravtiz.

And Kravtiz sees him.

And Taako, taking in a sharp breath, unhooks his arm from Lup’s and dashes down the aisle. 

Because he sees Kravitz and suddenly he’s back in Phandolin, and he misses him, and he has spent every other thought aside from saving the world in devotion to him. Because he saved the world for him and everyone else present today. And he’s running, because Taako has seen so many worlds, and planes, and universes and time doesn’t play out like a straight line but--

He’s going to run in a straight line towards Kravitz to shorten the time between them and bring their worlds together, because he loves him and he can’t think of anything else but kissing him right now.

And he leaps in Kravitz’s arms--and for his part, Kravitz catches him in a dramatic swoop--to give him a warm kiss.

And Merle, not unkindly, says, “You have to let me do my job! There’s an order to these things, you know!”

And Taako breaks from Kravitz’s face to laugh and say, “Fuck you old man!” And Kravtiz laughs as well. 

And Lup is jogging down the aisle, holding up the skirts of her dress saying, “Fuck bro, if you were gonna run, you should’ve at least given me a head start!”

And the tears Magnus was (poorly) holding back are spilling out in waves and Barry and Angus have to lean against him to keep him upright.

“You could’ve just cast Blink,” Lucretia says, with a smirk. “It would have been a lot faster.”

“Damn,” Taako says, finding his head. Kravtiz just beams and holds him close.

Davenport yells in his captain’s voice, “Let’s get this show on the road!” 

And there’s just so much joy in the room that it’s almost overwhelming.

[raineydaywrites]

Nesting Chapter 11

Chapter Summary: We're getting closer to canon, y'all. So have a surprise Barry appearance! Things are starting to move fast around here.

Okay. Maybe they should have waited a little longer to buy some of this stuff. Taako's room was hard to navigate now with all the baby stuff all over the place. Besides which, all of it was a constant reminder of his situation- one that was proving to be quite unwelcome.

Taako hadn't expected that. It wasn't like he could forget what was going on, whether or not there was a bunch of visual reminders all over the place. But it seemed that he'd managed to block it out at least sometimes, given how much more aware of it he was now.

The fact that he was showing probably didn't help with that either. No matter what Lup said, Taako could tell that he was showing. And it was only getting more and more obvious as time went on. Maybe not enough for any stranger on the street to tell, but it was getting there.

His clothes didn't fit like they were supposed to anymore. It was incredibly frustrating, because Taako liked to look good, and he'd collected his stash of clothing because it looked good, and now, suddenly, it didn't look good anymore.

Some of it was still fine, obviously, but his wardrobe felt like it had suddenly shrunk down to a fraction of its previous size, and there was nothing he could do about it. It was only going to get worse over the next several months.

The nausea was starting to pass- fucking finally- but it hadn't disappeared completely, and it was hardly the only annoying thing about this whole experience. He felt like he was constantly starving or exhausted, and his body hurt, and sometimes he couldn't seem to think at all.

One day after class, a professor asked to speak with him, and he knew it was about the sudden decline in the quality of his work. He had been forgetting stuff a lot recently, making dumb, careless mistakes, and it was costing him, especially considering that he was too tired to catch those mistakes a lot of the time.

She did surprise him with how she asked it though.

"Mr. Taako, is there anything going on in your personal life that may be impacting your ability to keep up with the work? I am very open to making arrangements and accommodations to help my students in these situations," she said, voice soft and careful.

Taako figured that it wouldn't hurt anything to tell her. He'd be unable to hide it soon enough anyway, and if it could buy him some pity points so he could have an easier time with his classwork, then he wasn't afraid to play on her sympathy.

"Yeah, so, I'm pregnant," he said, the words coming out with more difficulty than he'd anticipated, but whatever. It was said. "The whole thing has been rough and I'm having trouble with some things I wasn't before."

The professor began to make sympathetic noises as soon as Taako started explaining, a look on her face that suggested that she wasn't all that surprised, and Taako added another tally to his mental "told you so, Lup" checklist.

"I understand. I had two difficult pregnancies myself," she said. "We do have resources for our student parents, if you need them. Accommodations can be made to ensure you can keep up with your work and your learning. And I for one, am very willing to meet with you to help ensure that you are able to complete my course."

"Yeah, chill, that'd be great," Taako nodded.

"Why don't you come by my office hours sometime this week, and I'll help connect you with the office that handles these things, and we can work out a plan for this course. In the meantime, and for your other classes, is there anyone in your life who can help with these things? A friend or family that could look over your work for simple errors and such would be a boon in itself. Pregnancy brain is no joke," she laughed despite the words.

"Got a sister, yeah. And a friend," Taako shrugged, because he couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of that before. Of course Lup would help with this shit.

He couldn't believe that he hadn't thought about all the sympathy points he could get from this pregnancy situation before now. He was doing something fucking hard, and he deserved those sympathy points. Lup wasn't going to begrudge him lazing around on the couch like this, and it was plain common courtesy to offer pregnant people stuff like seats on public transit and whatever the fuck, he didn't usually pay that much attention.

Yeah, no, he was cashing in on that for sure.

-

When Taako and Lup entered their magic theory classroom, there was someone other than their professor standing behind the podium.

"Creesh, who's that?" Lup hissed, leaning forward to whisper the question to Lucretia.

"Dr. Bluejeans," she whispered back.

"Okay, and why is he here?" Taako asked.

"I don't know. I know nothing about him," Lucretia shrugged.

"You knew his name, though," Taako pointed out.

Lucretia turned to face them at that, specifically so that they could watch as she raised her eyebrows at them incredulously.

"It's written on the board," she said.

Oh. Yeah, sure enough, "Guest Speaker Dr. Bluejeans" was written in the prof's handwriting on the board. Taako was just glad Lup didn't notice either, so that he wasn't alone in that bit of obliviousness.

Though, really, if Lup had noticed, he could have just chalked it up to pregnancy brain. That was an excuse that he already knew he was going to miss when he couldn't use it anymore. Instant understanding was less forthcoming when your excuse was "I have ADHD" or "I'm just a dumbass," the other primary excuses he had on the table for these situations.

Dr. Bluejeans looked a tiny bit uncomfortable standing in front of the crowd of students, fidgeting with his papers and rocking back and forth on his heels as he waited for class to officially begin.

Lup craned her head, trying to get a look at- yep, he was in fact, wearing blue jeans, and she grinned to herself. God, she couldn't decide which was better: if he had been born with that name, meaning there was a whole Bluejeans clan out there in the world somehow, or if he had, like, full out changed his name because of his love for this particular sartorial choice.

The minute the clock ticked over to the start of class, their prof began to speak, moving from one of the front row seats to stand beside the guest speaker.

"Class, this is my colleague, Dr. Barry Bluejeans," he introduced.

God, the full name was even better. Lup fought to not let her face split into a ridiculous grin, but upon exchanging a look of amusement with Taako, knew that she was failing. She shouldn't have let herself look at Taako, because shit was always funnier when she was sharing it with him.

She shoved the grin down and tried to focus.

"I have asked him to speak with you today as he is this Institute's premiere expert on bond magic, a pioneering field that you should all expect to hear much more about in the upcoming years. I expect you all to treat him with the same respect you would show me."

"Not exactly difficult to clear that bar," Taako whispered to Lup, and she snorted, before elbowing him in the side.

"Shush! Poor nerd already looks terrified," she said, tilting her head toward the guest lecturer.

He must not teach many classes, or at least, not big lectures if he was this awkward and nervous about speaking with all of them. But if his field was so new and specialized, as prof had implied, that might make sense. Probably he was more used to doing his research and maybe teaching some smaller, high-level classes.

"Hello, everyone," Dr. Bluejeans greeted, offering them a sweet smile. "As Professor Dillon said-"

"Okay, I like him," Taako said to her, gesturing to where their prof was making a sour face at the title Bluejeans had used for him.

Bluejeans seemed oblivious to it, but Lup knew exactly what the face was for. Professor Dillweed had gone on a rant a time or two before about the fact that "doctor" was his preferred title over "professor" and how it was 'disrespectful' to not use it.

Nobody really listened to that, with even some of the fresh-out-of-high-school and suck-up students switching it out occasionally. Lup and Taako only ever used "professor", if they were even that nice about it.

The lecture was actually really fascinating, and Lup found herself leaning forward in excitement as Bluejeans talked about his work.

Lucretia was rapidly taking notes, and Lup for sure planned to ask her to look it over later, because she wanted a record of this stuff. It was really interesting.

Even Taako was pulled out of his 'too cool' attitude by the lecture a bit, and Lup saw some of the nerdier facets of her brother's personality peek out a bit. He never liked to admit to that, but Taako was a total nerd for cool magic shit, and Lup could see how much the new topic was drawing him in.

It helped that Bluejeans was so obviously invested in his work himself. He clearly loved the topic, and it made it a whole lot more interesting to listen to than Dillon's droning on about the different types and properties of magic.

"If you would like to learn more about bond magic, I teach a specialized course on the subject- MAS 375- which will be offered next semester. We'll be discussing the properties of bond magic and its usage in everything from everyday spellwork to advanced technology. There's actually a very fascinating project ongoing to utilize bond magic to power an engine- I can't speak too much on the matter now, but it's very exciting," Bluejeans explained. "Oh! And I also teach in the necromancy department!"

He seemed like he was about to go off on another tangent about that, when he noticed the clock tick over to end the class.

"Looks like we're out of time, everybody. Thanks for your time!" Bluejeans said, waving cheerily at everyone as he began to pack up his bag.

A number of students had started moving to the front of the class to speak to the guy, and Taako watched as Lup's eyes flickered over to him curiously as well.

"I gotta talk to Dillon about some shit," Taako said. "Go ahead and bother the nerd."

"I'd like to thank Dr. Bluejeans for the lecture. We can talk to him together," Lucretia offered, turning to Lup and smiling nervously.

Taako fought the urge to roll his eyes, gathering his stuff as Lup and Lucretia headed off to do that.

The classroom emptied out pretty quickly, which Taako appreciated. He didn't love the idea of talking about this where anyone could overhear, but he had to do it, and he didn't want to spend any more time around Dillon than he needed, which meant not making an appointment or anything.

By the time Taako made his way over to Dillon, Lup and Lucretia were speaking with Bluejeans, and most everyone else had left. There were a few students lingering to add in to whatever conversation was happening over there, but most everyone, especially the non-majors had left.

"Hey, Professor Dillon?" Taako asked, trying to keep it relatively professional without actually being respectful, since he was about to ask this guy to do something for him and all.

"Yes, Mr. Taako?" Dillon asked, and Taako did not love the way that he looked at him, all condescending-like.

"I'm pregnant. Got some accommodations for it. Here's the info," Taako said, reaching into his bag to pull out the very official looking and very crumbled form he'd been given to share with his professors.

Dillon took it, wrinkling his nose, and Taako could just tell that the guy was judging him, and he would say something if the dude wasn't, like, in charge of his grades and shit.

"I see. Well, I'm not exactly sure what you expect me to do for you, but-"

Bluejeans walked over at that moment, interrupting Dillon to say, "Oh, Wyatt, if you'd like, I can provide some of my notes on how to alter a lesson plan for accommodations like these! It can be a little complicated, I know, but I'm happy to help. The Office for Student Health has some great resources too. It's really awesome how committed the Institute is to supporting our students, isn't it?"

Taako glanced back toward Lup and Lucretia, wondering if they'd caught all that too, only to find them watching Bluejeans with surprised and pleased expressions. From how they were standing, it kind of looked like Bluejeans had walked over in the middle of the conversation to say that, and Taako tried to keep his expression neutral, instead of the smug look he wanted to give.

"Yes, you're right, of course. I would be so glad to receive those notes, Barry," Dillon said, through somewhat gritted teeth and a forced smile. Taako was pretty sure the usage of the guy's name was intended to sound disrespectful, knowing dickheads as well as he did, but it was pretty weak considering that Bluejeans had used Dillon's name first.

"Wonderful. I'll send them over right away. We'll set up a meeting to talk it over, yeah?" Bluejeans said, smiling and looking for all the world like a friendly colleague instead of the asshole he clearly was.

Not like Taako minded though. He was being an asshole on his behalf, after all, and Taako's favorite people all tended to be assholes, so he was mostly just amused.

"So, we're done here, yeah?" Taako asked Dillon, because if he didn't get out of this conversation, he was going to laugh in the guy's face, and that wasn't gonna earn him any favors, he knew.

"Yes, I do believe so," Dillon said, turning away and picking up his own bags to walk out of the lecture hall.

"I, uh, hope you don't mind me interrupting like that," Bluejeans said, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, suddenly looking a bit nervous.

"Nah, dude, that was great," Taako said, waving off the apology before the guy could even finish saying it.

"Nice! Dillon's such an ass, amiright?" Lup said, throwing one hand up for a high five, which Bluejeans quickly but nervously reciprocated.

"Listen, I don't want to pry, but if he's being a dick or anything about all this, you can contact the department and they'll sort it out. Dillon is an old-fashioned sort, but he has tenure, so he feels comfortable being shitty. But there's still lines he can't cross," Bluejeans explained, before digging in his pocket and pulling out his wallet. "In fact, here's my card. Got my number, my office, all that good shit. If he does anything, tell me and we can figure it out."

Taako took the card, because like hell was he gonna turn down free help. The guy seemed pretty genuine in his desire to help too, and Taako appreciated the offer, even if he wasn't sure if he'd ever feel a need to take it.

"Thanks, man," Taako said, before turning back to Lup. "So we good to go now, or?"

"I think so, yeah." Lup agreed, turning to Lucretia, "See ya, Luce!" She also offered a beaming smile and a wave at Bluejeans as they left. "You're great! We'll talk later, yeah?"

Bluejeans didn't seem to know quite what to say to that, just nodding and waving as Taako and Lup made their escape.

[charmandhex]

Inspired by @herbgerblin ‘s wonderful Taakitz art

For those that live perpetually on call in Faerun, contacting them can go a couple different ways. If you’ve got their frequency, some are easily reachable by Stone of Farspeech. If you’re offering some sort of brief, stunt-filled adventure to three less-than-retired saviors of the multiverse, a letter will suffice. And, of course, all else failing, anything from a posting for a serving job at the local tavern to one preceding a multiverse-saving adventure may be posted to Craig’s List.

But for the agents of her Majesty the Raven Queen, goddess of the natural order of life and death, ruler of the Astral Plane, it’s more a feeling: a chill gracefully sweeping up the bones, feathers subtly rising in anticipation, and the certainty that something so much larger than you is watching, that if you were to look over your shoulder, a pair of deep brown eyes would meet yours.

It’s to such a feeling that Kravitz wakes up this morning. And that’s morning only in the technical sense of the term, as the softly ticking clock on the wall indicates that it is 3:16. Again, in the morning.

Kravitz immediately closes his eyes again, pushing down the brush of frustration. First, despite Kravitz’s semi-return to the land of the living, he is still very much dead and in the Raven Queen’s employ. Though She certainly respects Kravitz’s newfound work-life balance, necromancy never sleeps. At least not at reasonable hours.

Second, there’s Taako. Kravitz opens his eyes again and tilts his head to look at his sleeping boyfriend, somehow sprawled across half of the bed and most of Kravitz, tangled up in blankets, hair spread across the pillow. Beautiful, ethereal, gorgeous. Also drooling slightly.

A smile crosses Kravitz’s face before he looks to the clock again. The feeling heightens, a sense of urgency tracing through Kravitz’s recently back in use veins. It has to be something serious then.

Kravitz slowly extricates himself from Taako’s hold, trying not to wake him. Faint moonlight peeking through the curtains paints Kravitz’s shadow across the wall as he rises, a cat hopping off the bed and trotting noiselessly across the room as he does.

Kravitz follows just as noiselessly, and his hand is on the doorknob when he hears a sleepy, “Babe?” Kravitz looks over his shoulder. Taako slowly pushes himself up to sitting, still under enough blankets to be more fabric than elf. Taako peers at him for a moment, blinking sleep out of his eyes, then says, “Shit. Call from bird mom?”

“Yes,” Kravitz answers, turning around fully. “I can’t believe those two got you to call her that.”

“Shit.” Taako mumbles again, or half mumbles as the word turns into a yawn. “S’like... fuck o’clock.”

“You can go back to sleep. I’ll be-“ Kravitz stops. “It won’t take long.”

“Nuh-uh.” Taako wiggles off the bed, taking the blankets with him and sending two more cats running. A far lumpier shadow crosses the wall as Taako crosses the room. “Ugh. Fuck o’clock. Coffee first?”

Kravitz considers, reaching out to ask, and the watched feeling softens, the hairs on the back of his neck settle. Urgent, important, but not Magnus Burnsides level of needing to rush. Coffee first then.

Neither bothers with the lights as they head downstairs, because neither needs them. Taako bats Kravitz’s hands away from the coffee maker in the kitchen and sets to work himself. Kravitz, for his part, concludes he’d be better suited, both figuratively and literally, if he were wearing work attire instead of pajama bottoms, and materializes his suit and cloak. There’s a soft, almost squeaking meow near his feet before Cat Angus starts determinedly climbing his pant leg.

“Why not send Lup?” Taako whines as he works.

“Your sister is probably going too.” Kravitz answers.

“So send Barold with her.”

“Your brother is probably going with both of us. This one... feels like a big one.” Taako’s ear twitches, and his shoulders tense. “It’ll be fine. We’ll be safe, and I’ll be back by dinner.” Kravitz rushes to say, reaching out to put a hand on Taako’s shoulder. Or what he is 90% sure is Taako’s shoulder. It’s hard to tell with all the blankets. There’s another meow from somewhere near his hipbone and a swift tug of his cape as Cat Angus jumps.

“Mmmrmph.” Taako lets out a truly dissatisfied noise before turning around, two mugs in hand. Kravitz he gives the official Raven and Ram racing mug, while Taako himself keeps a mug emblazoned with the word, “beanjuice.”

“You don’t have to stay up,” Kravitz says, gesturing to Taako’s mug even as he takes a sip from his own. The bitter taste of the coffee is tempered by just the right amount of cream and sugar. As always, Taako is an expert in the kitchen, and Kravitz is especially grateful for that (and caffeine) right now. “You could go back to bed, get some more sleep. It is-“ Kravitz breaks into a yawn. “-Very early.” He finishes.

Taako shakes his head and takes a sip of his own coffee. “Nope. Gonna hold you to that one, rabbit. You, Lulu, and Barold all back safe and sound by dinner.”

“Taako-“

“Nope!” Taako shakes his head. “You gotta be a good Grim Reaper, I’m gonna be a supportive boyfriend. So, family dinner, tonight. No negotiations here, babe.”

“Taako, I-“ It’d be nice to have something to look forward to at work today. And a reason to push off paperwork until tomorrow. “Okay. Family dinner, tonight.” Kravitz nods.

“Cool. Gonna have you ‘n Lup ‘n Barry ‘n Maggie ‘n Ango ‘n Merle ‘n Ren and-“ Taako breaks into another yawn. “And everyone.” He says decidedly. “Family dinner means everyone. So you three-“ He gently pokes a finger into Kravitz’s chest. “Have gotta show up.” The hand raises to hold Kravitz’s cheek.

“Promise. Cross my heart and hope to revivify.” Kravitz winks, work accent popping in.

Taako snorts. “Fuckin’ necromancers.” He leans in to kiss Kravitz. Only to pause when there is a thoroughly indignant squeak, as Kravitz’s own movement jostles a certain kitten that has reached Kravitz’s shoulders. “You little shit.” Taako directs to the kitten, pulling back.

“He wants attention.” Kravitz says. Cat Angus gently bats at one of Kravitz’s braids.

“Yeah, and he coulda had it now, but he picked you as his favorite.” A purple Mage Hand carefully picks the kitten up off Kravitz’s shoulder and deposits him on the floor. Cat Angus, for his part, meows his displeasure before stalking off, tail pointing straight upward.

“I think Angus is his actual favorite.”

“Lucky Agnes.” Taako huffs.

“You’re my favorite.”

“Damn right.” And Taako leans in to kiss Kravitz. They aren’t interrupted by the kitten this time. “Love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Oh, and can you pick up fabric softener while you’re out?”

“Of course. Fabric softener, family dinner tonight.” Kravitz smiles.

Being summoned at 3:16 might be harder now, but what he’s going back to? It’s worth it.

[snailfloss]

this is meta for Angus in Vibing and keeping it tight, the modern Taakitz AU by me and @stealthtable

Angus McDonald lives with his grandfather in an old, high-maintenance house that Grandpa paid off in like the 80s. He has no other living relatives

Grandpa has been thoroughly senile for about six years. He doesn't need around the clock care, but he does need help with most basic tasks, and he's definitely not fit to raise a child or manage a household

This forced Angus to grow up fast, but he’s had a support network!

Once upon a time Taako got himself hired as a babysitter, and then he just never went away. He still does most everything Angus and Grandpa need help with, day-to-day. Keeping track of household finances and chores, teaching Angus life skills, helping Angus acquire and prepare food.

He's also the one responsible for impersonating Angus's grandfather to utility companies and the bank. He's the master of 'helping' Grandpa sign necessary documents. His proudest achievement is the multi-hour debacle it took to cancel Grandpa's massive cable bill and replace it with Netflix.

Lup largely helps out by enabling Taako to do all of the above, and sometimes tags along with Taako and watches Netflix with Grandpa, or takes Angus out for burgers and shakes. The twins team up to take him clothes shopping.

Taako does a lot less now that Angus has a car and can run his own errands 

Magnus is like Angus's bro-uncle. He taught Angus how to drive. It was terrifying, but effective. Angus strictly observes the rules of the road and is now a better driver than Magnus "Rushes In" Burnsides. For one thing, Angus doesn't take yellow lights as a challenge.

Merle impersonates Angus's grandfather at school functions. This is not always helpful. He's the reason Grandpa has a reputation as "quite the character". When he last visited the principal's office, to approve Angus skipping a grade, he hit on the ficus as a 'joke'. Taako tries very hard to be available to chaperone Merle 

At the same time, Merle includes Angus in a lot of family stuff with Mavis and Mookie, which is the closest Angus gets to having normal childhood experiences with other kids.

Especially before Angus got the Far Corners job, Lucretia would throw him freelancing money by publishing his articles. Child labor laws, what child labor laws. She’s got paperwork somewhere that says Angus is 26 instead of 16. Brad would not approve

Davenport is the person Taako goes to when something around Grandpa’s house breaks. Dav's redone like, so much of the plumbing and wiring in Grandpa's house, and taught Angus handyman stuff. Magnus is helpful with this when supervised. Julia pitches in both with Davenport's work and with keeping Magnus from ‘trying’ things without approval

Barry has just met Angus but they're on the road to becoming Nerd Buddies. They talk about the most grisly shit, since Angus is a detective and Barry's a forensic scientist. Taako’s gonna have to ban them from so much as making eye contact at the dinner table, because Lup will encourage them to talk dismemberments over lasagna

[cuz-reasons]

This is every time I could find that any of the boys said they died. Sorry if the audio isn’t the greatest, I had to compress it.

Transcript under the cut because it is very long

[Audio Description: A supercut of every time the Tres Horny Boys and the McElroys say they die, whether in a goof or for real, in The Adventure Zone

Griffin: Maybe the three of you will die, I don’t know

Travis: It kills you!

Griffin: It kills you, you die

Taako: I’m dying. [Laughter, all but Justin]

Taako: I’m literally dead.

Griffin: She kills you instantly. No.

Magnus: He’s going to kill us!

Director: He’s going to murder the three of you. [chuckling]

Director: Thank you for your service, goodbye.

Travis: Magnus’ neck breaks and he dies.

Griffin: Oh, a minus one. Then you die. [laughter] God, Travis, if only you— in trying to discern his fanciness, your nose just starts bleeding, and you fall over and—

Clint: You’re fancied to death.

Griffin: The train de-rails, and everyone on board dies. Three ghosts appear and strangle all three of you to death.

Travis: [providing sound effects, makes a “ka-chunk” noise and breathy exhale]

Griffin: [laughing] …And it depressurizes and you die, I guess?

Justin: I die. I die in fiction.

Griffin: [exhausted inhale] And, I’m dead.

Clint: Uhm… Uh, let’s see. You said 21? I’m, uh, 2 points dead.

Justin: Oh, I’m negative 5, baby. I’m dead as disco.

Griffin: Uh, the three of you walk into, uh, this room singing, uh, showtunes, uh, and everyone inside this building looks at you and kills you. No.

Justin:  If you don’t use a character voice, you lose a hit point.

Travis: [laughs]

Clint: Okay.

Travis: You die.

Griffin: You run up, tear the box open and it explodes, you die.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, this needle, first of all, passes through your suit-

Travis: And you die!

Griffin: It digests it and shits it out. And the shitty axe comes out and kills you.

Travis: Merle's dead. He bled out.

Clint: I'm dead, right?

Griffin: And— he died between episodes.

Griffin: And you are launched out of the cannon, and, yeah, it’s been a while since you’ve done this.

Travis: And he forgot to open the door.

Griffin: And you die and that’s the end of The Adventure Zone

Griffin: The clock tower snaps at its midsection as it chimes its twelfth chime, and it falls over into that large two-story manor at the end of the street with a loud crash. And the ground, as quickly as it expanded, it just falls out beneath your feet. And you’re falling. And you’re burning. And you’re being crushed by the shattered earth as it compresses down into the ground. And you hear an anguished scream come from something massive and furious, and all three of you have died.

Justin: I pull out a gun and shoot the two of them and shoot myself.

[Riotous laughter]

Clint: [Sing-song] Reboot!

Justin: Starting again.

Griffin: and then just like that, the ground compresses. And it pulls you down in with it, killing you, Magnus, and killing you, Taako, pretty quickly. Merle, you are also subject to this catastrophe, although right before it happens, those rocks— before Cassidy can do whatever she was doing to them, they get blasted out by a wave of force, like buckshot from a shotgun as the ground pulls you under. You are burned. And you are crushed. And you are dead.

Griffin: You pull on the lever to this locker and all three of you hear a horrible sound that lasts, like, a split second. And the sound is like, [explosion noise] and it was actually the sound of this room more or less exploding.

Griffin: And all three of you have died.

Travis: I’m gonna open E next.

Griffin: Boom! The room explodes.

Justin:  Can we just stroll on through?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: It explodes and you die. No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding.

Clint: I take the meat and the ice.

Justin: Thank god.

Travis: It explodes!

Griffin: Because all three of you are almost instantly devoured by something as soon as you leave the light.

Griffin: I mean canonically, Magnus did say it, so you do have a trip to heaven

Travis: I cut the black wire.

Griffin: [Singing] To heaven we’re going on a trip together

Travis: I use Railsplitter to cut all five wires at once. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: [Giggling] You’re in heaven.

Griffin: All of you hold hands as both the flame and the purple worm burst through the bubble. The forcefield ultimately giving up the ghost and the room is flooded with fire and you are destroyed by a blast of nearly supersonic force and the last thing you hear is a scream of unbridled fury and you do not live long enough to hear the twelfth chime of the clock above you.

Griffin: I think the cave just collapses on all of you and Luca, and you get crushed by rocks.

Istus: You're going to be amazing.

Griffin: And then the building comes down.

Griffin: It reaches out and taps you on the forehead, and as soon as it does, your vision kind of goes dark.

Travis: And Magnus is dead.

Griffin: And Magnus dies and that's it. Thanks for listening, everybody! And now it's on to the next— no.

Griffin: [disgusted sounds] Oh come on, I’m in hell!

Justin: I'm gonna die, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.

Griffin: I'm dead and in hell now.

Griffin: But you also see a tear in the fabric of space, and it looks familiar. Because you saw something similar to that during your time in Lucas’ lab. It is a rift open to the astral plane where the souls of the deceased go after their death in the material plane. And you are drifting into it, Magnus. Because you’re dying.

Clint: I’m dead. I’ve just been killed. I’m as dead as dead can be.

Justin: I just killed somebody while I’m dead, what’s up!

Justin: You did die.

Clint: Yeah can we point out— 

Justin: I mean, I don’t wanna get technical about it, but you... you are dead.

Clint: Yeah, your body got destroyed, so you’re dead!

Justin: You’re dead!

Clint: I’m sorry,

Taako: But I’m gonna need Magnus’s blood. He died, and we would just really like something to remember him by.

Griffin: You’re killed by a Yeti.

Travis: Yeah, I’m gonna die.

Griffin: They just—they just tear you apart. They just fucking destroy you.

Griffin: But, eventually like, you're left behind and you only, sort of, outlast the Hunger for so long before you are killed.

Travis: Oh, I’ll die then. That's fine.

Griffin: And so, I guess from the point of view of the rest of your party, who like, take some time, like this has happened a few times now, and it’s tough every time, like you're dead.

Griffin: She literally finds another gun and, like, does it—

Lup: Count the shells! gratatatatata…

Taako: Oh! I’m dying.

Griffin: Based on the rules of the game, Dad… you die. [Travis starts laughing] You tried to put some googly-eyes on a shell and the shell broke and it cut— It cut you to ribbons. And you died.

Griffin: And he extends his hand, palm first, and you see this sort of black fire surround his hand and you feel this incredible pain as black fire spreads throughout your body from your insides out, just killing you in a second.

Griffin: And he kills you. [This is repeated three more times]

Griffin: You take a step. And freeze. And I don’t just mean like, you stop moving? You feel something seize up within you as the dust that you breathed in as you’ve been in this chamber instantly calcifies and spreads throughout your body in the blink of an eye. And you are gone. And the rest of you look over and you just see a Magnus Burnsides statue made of this same white limestone as the walls surrounding you. Just frozen in place.

Travis: Well, see you all next cycle! [hums the Mario Bro’s game over tune]  [laughter]

Griffin: And all of you feel it now. Just for a moment something… something hard just emerges from within you and you are instantly frozen, your shapes frozen atop the dais just lifeless, carved in stone.

Justin: Well, I… put my hand in it, I guess.

Griffin: You’re killed instant— no.

Justin: Then that’s going to do it for the Adventure Zone, we hope you’ve enjoyed this rich tapestry we’ve woven. Sorry I- boned it there at the end.

Griffin: Um, I don’t really have the same offer for Magnus that I did for Taako and Merle, I just have a question, which is, how does Magnus die? [long pause]

Travis: [emotional] You know… I kinda envisioned him from the beginning as like, a guy who was looking for a cause worth dying for, and I’ve always kinda envisioned this like, big Blaze Of Glory moment, and then, somewhere along the lines, he became… I realized that he had found something worth living for, and the relationship between Taako and Merle and all of his friends and stuff and what he was doing, started to trump that, became more important. I wanted him to live, I wanted him to survive. And so, if you had have asked me three years ago when we started, I would’ve said he died epically in battle.

Griffin: He got eaten by a dragon that he tried to fight by himself. [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, something like that. But now, I actually think he dies peacefully of old age. Um. [voice trembling] Calmly, and holding in his hand his wife’s wedding ring. That’s how Magnus dies.

Griffin: And other folks are there too, this is just, like- Taako and Merle are there too, that’s just how dwarf and elf age work, you got old before they did, and they’re there too, and they’re with you, and Lucretia is there with you, and she is much, much older, I think she is sitting in a chair at your side. Carey and Killian are there, and Carey is holding your hand in hers and she’s smiling, and she’s just saying,

Carey: It’s okay, bud. It’s okay.

Griffin: And Davenport is there, and he’s at the foot of your bed, just smiling warmly, and he places a hand gently on your leg. And Angus is there, and he’s all grown up! And, he is… He’s so upset, but he’s trying to force a smile for you, Magnus. Barry and Lup are both there, and they look so happy for you, they are this force of reassurance, all of your friends that you have known for over a century, who’ve been with you, and have loved you for so long are all with you. They’re all ready to say goodbye. You are surrounded by friends as things get hazier and hazier in a way you’re kind of familiar with. And then, in a flash, the world is clear, and there’s Kravitz. And he looks like Kravitz, he’s not in his reaper form, but nobody else seems to see him in this moment, and he reaches out his hand and takes yours, and he helps you to your feet, and he says,

Kravitz: My friend, I think this one’s gonna take.

Magnus: Well, let’s hope so for your sake, I don’t want you getting in trouble with the boss. /end of audio description]

[noodyl-blasstal]

@blupjeansweek day 3: Moon/Sun

Read on A03 or below: 

Lup stared into the over-bright light of her phone as the clock ticked over to 00:00. It was officially the final day of their site trip to monitor the biodiversity of the McElroy River, and Lup was exhausted. Not because of the extensive hiking, the added difficulty of wading up-stream with heavy gear to check the river traps, or the crap rations the University had packed them off with, no, because of Barold. J. Bluejeans.

Lup hadn’t been sleeping. Barry had made sure of that. He was an evil genius. Sure, she had been the one to suggest that really they only needed one tent, that bringing two was a waste of space and carrying capacity. Sure, she had absolutely done that with the intention of getting to spend more time with him. Sure, she had anticipated maybe sleeping slightly less, wink wink. But not like this. Barry absolutely had to know what he did to her, there was no way he was over there in his stupid denim effect sleep shorts with his stupid shapely forearms and his stupid perfect arse not knowing what he was doing.

She had obviously made a move. Proposing to share a tent for practical reasons on a work trip was obviously a move. There was no way anyone could interpret it any differently. Lup let out a small noise of frustration and flopped herself round so she didn’t have to look at his beautiful face any more. It was stupidly hot, which was part of why she was in this mess in the first place - if Barold could just keep his ridiculous body inside the sleeping bag maybe she wouldn’t want to stare at it so much?

Lup had no idea how things had gotten to this point. She’d been after this guy for years, YEARS. They worked together, they spent most of their free time together, he was invited to all the family events, they were LupandBarry, BarryandLup, but they just couldn’t seem to take the step into getting to kiss about it. How much more blatant could she be? She’d dressed nicely for him, invited him to events, sometimes she even put her hand close to his so he’d barely have to move his fingers at all to be touching hers. What more could a girl do? Lup had to talk to someone about this, she was fully out of ideas, and she was absolutely going to explode.

Lup: 00:03

Taako, I know you’re up, you have to help me. I’m going to die

Ko: 00:03

Is this an actual emergency or is this Barold related again?

Lup: 00:04

It’s an actual emergency… it’s just also Barold related.

The three dots flashed indicating that Taako was typing. Then stopped. They appeared again. Then stopped once more.

Ko: 00:07

Fine. Go on.

Lup: 00:07

I don’t know what more I can do to show him I like him?

Ko: 00:08

I’m going to murder you Lulu. Fully to death.

00:09

You are both nightmare people. I need you to know that.

00:10

But I’m going to give you this one anyway. I know you think you’re being obvious but Lulu, you are not. Please, I am begging you, literally begging you, just tell him. Use your actual words, and actually tell Barold that you are in love with him, and then you can get on with being somehow both more and less disgusting than you currently are.

Lup: 00:11

Ko! I absolutely cannot do that. What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if it completely ruins everything? We work together! We’re writing a paper together! I absolutely need that publication to meet my quota with the university.

00:12

Wait! What do you mean both nightmare people?

00:13

Ko?

00:18

Taako! I know you’re there. What do you mean? Has Barold said something?

00:19

Look, we can’t all get literally picked up by the perfect man at the circus.

00:22

Taako! You have to tell me. You legally have to, it’s twin rules, the sibling police are on their way.

00:24

I hate you.

Ko: 00:25

No you don’t, you love me and I love you too. The only reason Krav and I got together was because I used my words. Now stop messaging me and tell him about how much you want to bone him instead!

Lup spent the next two hours staring resolutely at the canvas of the tent wall and refusing to think about the soft breathing behind her and how nice it would feel if those arms were draped over her waist, that breathing in her ear, her hands in his hair, running up his back. NOPE. Just normal professional thoughts about a friend and colleague. VERY NORMAL THOUGHTS.

________________________________________________________

Barry woke up early in the morning. He was surprised he’d slept at all to be honest, but really he was absolutely exhausted from the extensive hiking, wading up-stream with heavy gear to check river traps, and the crap rations the University had packed them off with. But now he was awake and he was so close to Lup. Why on earth did he agree to share a tent? Well. He knew why he agreed to share a tent. Because he was absolutely incapable of logical thinking when it came to spending time with Lup, and he was obviously never going to pass up a chance to spend the night next to her. But logically, he knew it would be torture.

So now it was, he checked his watch, 3am. He sighed, and lowered his wrist. Lup’s elbow was, for some reason, resting on his head and he wasn’t even grumpy about it, just grateful for the contact. Gods he had it bad. He turned carefully onto his back, trying not to wake her, but accidentally jostling her slightly. Lup muttered something and, to his absolute delight, fully extended her arm around the back of his head.

Lup had her arm round him. Lup’s arm was round him and they were sleeping next to each other and this was definitely probably a crime. Could someone arrest him for this? He didn’t make her do it! …But he was enjoying it. Fuck. HR were going to get involved weren’t they?

The moonlight filtering into the tent softly illuminated Lup, he glanced sideways. She was splayed out, limbs everywhere, taking up the majority of the floor space. He couldn’t even pretend to be angry about it. She looked adorable and her tiny sleepy grumbles weren’t doing anything to detract from that, but he couldn’t stay here. All he wanted to do was stay here and put his arms around her in return, and maybe stroke her hair while she slept, but he absolutely wouldn’t cross a line like that.

Barry had decided this trip was the perfect time to finally tell her how he felt, just get it out there and start looking for another job if he needed to. Lup had been so quick to suggest they shared a tent, and as good as she usually was at lying to University administration, the excuse about saving space didn’t really make any sense because they were parked next to the tent and had a big van for the equipment. Barry had dared hope that maybe, just maybe, it meant something. He’d been giving out signs left right and centre though, and she hadn’t made a single move. He’d worn these denim print cotton pyjamas because he’d thought that maybe she’d been checking him out once when he had them on. He’d packed her favourite snacks for her on the drive up. Heck, on the first night he’d laid out a blanket under the stars and spent a good chunk of the evening star gazing with her. He didn’t know if he could be any more clear short of doing something ridiculous like actually just telling her he thought she was the best person in the world and he was in love with her.

Barry slowly eased open the zip of the tent, grabbing his sleeping bag and sidling out to ensure he didn’t disturb Lup further. He couldn’t resist a look back before he closed the door again, her hair was everywhere and she’d somehow already claimed his pillow. He wondered how on earth she’d managed to stay so contained the last few nights, maybe the sleeping bag had kept her in one place. He chuckled to himself and smiled fondly before closing the door and finding a spot to gaze at the sky and wait for morning. Barry doubted he’d be getting any more sleep tonight.

____________________________________________

Lup woke up confused, she’d definitely been facing the other way when she fell asleep, resolutely avoiding looking longingly at Barry’s sleeping form, but she couldn’t see him. She sat up, realising with a groan that she’d been drooling all over her pillow… actually, scratch that, Barry’s pillow. Fuck! She’d starfished, stolen the entire tent somehow, and he’d had to flee to get away from her. How had she screwed this up so monumentally?

The sleeping bag curled round her foot, so she half fell half ran into the tent door, still a bit dazed from the restless night. Lup took a deep breath, trying to steady herself mentally as well as physically, before unzipping the tent and peering out. Barry wasn’t far away, he was wearing his sleeping bag like a cape and she could see his head nodding now and again as if he was fighting off sleep. He looked beautiful, but she absolutely couldn’t think about that now. Poor Barry was stuck outside terrified because sleeping Lup couldn’t keep her hands to herself. Fuck! Was this going to lead to a meeting with HR?

Lup dived out of the tent and jogged towards him

“Barry? Gods, I’m so sorry! I didn’t realise I was taking up so much space! Are you okay? Please come back into the tent, I can sit outside. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m so sor…”

Barry cut her off, looking blearily up at her

“Lup, I’m tired”

Her face flashed with guilt

“Oh Barry, I’m sorry. I should never have suggested we shared”

He shook his head

“No, Lup, I’m tired.” He reached up and took her hand, and tugged gently at it. Lup opened her mouth, then closed it again. He looked so sleepy and tousled and she wanted to run her fingers through his hair and pepper his face with little kisses. He smiled up at her, tugged again, and she folded herself down next to him, her leg brushing against his thigh.

Barry looked at her through bleary eyes, smiling to see her at eye level. He didn’t look upset or angry, he looked like a sleepy boy, a sleepy boy who was absolutely not letting go of her hand.

__________________________________________

Barry rarely did anything without panicking about it. There were at least two conversations happening in his head at all times, and most of them were about how he was making terrible mistakes. He was too tired for that right now though. Instead, he smiled happily at the beautiful elf next to him, slung his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in next to him, swooping his sleeping bag cape round them both.

“Lup?”

“Yeah Bear?”

“Let’s just watch the sun rise”

When Lup smiles back at him and lays her head on his shoulder, Barry just grins, resting his head on top of hers to watch the pinks and oranges begin to boil up on the horizon.

[the-ipre]

Lup lives au Eleventh Hour? How does Lup dying over and over work?

They set off the bomb in the mines, and the reclaimers are killed, and then a specter rises into the air. Lup is disoriented, and if liches could get migraines she would definitely have one because of all the memories that are crushing into her skull. 

Of all the things that she could focus on, she sees Taako’s hat, scorched and scrunched under a rock, and she loses it. That’s her brother, her twin, the other half of her heart, and she didn’t even know. They’ve been adventuring for almost a year now, for almost as long as she was alive that time, and she didn’t even remember that he was her brother. Her form statics, and crackles, and anybody who saw her would know to take cover.

She almost falls apart, but then she sees Taako, and Magnus, and Merle, and it takes everything that she has but she pulls herself back together. She thinks about the good times, both those newly found memories and the ones that she’s made more recently, and her flaming form floats in the air. Smoke hangs around her from the explosion, but she’s a lich now, and she has magic powers, so she unlocks the door. 

Through a combination of magic and floating through walls as best she can, Lup finds her way to the room with the purple worm, and that’s worrying. It makes sense, sure, but living Lup isn’t exactly in the state to fight one of those. She barely knew who she was a year ago, she doesn’t have those same skills anymore!

Somewhere above her a clock chimes, and all hell breaks loose. 

The next moment she’s back in her body, and Taako hits Magnus on the shoulder because nice going there, goofus, and something in her twists at that, but she isn’t sure why. She feels almost frozen, like her brain is trying to catch up on something that’s missing, and then Taako asks if anything’s wrong and she just shakes her head because, no, nothing’s wrong. Not really. She just feels like there’s a hole in the back of her skull and her brain is leaking out through it, but maybe it’s just a side effect of dying.

She dies – again – and gets her memories back – again – and doesn’t quite break down this time, and she finds where they should probably go, which is great! Rough thing is, is that she can’t pop those bubbles even as a lich, and also, she has no way of telling her next cycle self any of what is going to happen.

The cycles continue, and Lup dies again and again, and she can’t exactly do anything. When she’s alive she doesn’t remember what’s going on, and when she’s a lich she can’t get to June and the Chalice. She also doesn’t know if her getting the relic would leave the other three dead for realsies, and so she figures it’s for the best, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it. She does, however, take another look at the Red Robe statue, and she has a good laugh at it. 

Of course Magnus “Folk Hero” Burnsides would be the first on this plane to get a statue made of himself, and then not even recognize it when he found it again.

When they all finally find June and Isaak, there’s a strange feeling in Lup that is an inexplicable mixture of relief and exasperation.

The Chalice is able to put together her and Taako’s backstories, but when it tries to share that information with them they can’t seem to grab it. There is something momentous and obvious and true staring them dead in the face, but soap-bubble static keeps cutting in. It’s frustrating, but the two of them begin to pull even closer after that, because there’s something that they’re missing that they can’t figure out but they’re not going to miss each other.

The offer that Lup gets is one of a normal life; instead of taking a spaceship up to a floating moon base and joining a secret organization for a war she had no part in, she could simply find who she wanted to be, on her own time. She wouldn’t have to be a reclaimer, or only know twenty people, or have to shop at the Fantasy Costco and nowhere else. 

She would be able to have a real life, and she would have so much missing but she would be able to choose her path instead of having it chosen for her.

It’s a tempting offer, and for a second she allows herself to imagine, but she shuts that down. She’s made a family and a life with the Bureau, and she’s not going to throw that all away. Besides, something in her knows that this war she’s fighting, collecting relics and trying to save the world, it is hers to fight.

With the rest of her party she refuses the relic, and she lives, and she keeps forgetting.

[believingbrook]

taakitz hanahaki, 2

warnings/tags for fic series: terminal illness, angst with a happy ending (yes he’ll be fine), grief. please don’t read if you’re uncomfortable with these concepts, take care of yourself!

“How do you not have cumin?”

“I’m a bachelor, Taako!”

“That’s not an excuse to keep a pathetic pantry!”

“Pathetic — ” Kravitz sputters, but Taako raps his knuckles with a wooden spoon and points the butt toward the door, not bothering to look over the bowl of spices he’s crafting.

“You. Cumin.”

“It’s cold outside.”

Taako snorts. “You’re a big boy, and also freezing eighty percent of the time. It’ll hardly register.” He uncaps the cinnamon, sprinkles in a liberal dose. “Besides, the corner store is a two-minute walk. Make yourself useful.”

Grinning, Kravitz obliges, shrugs on a coat and a scarf and his boots and complains the whole way out the door. He shuts it behind him with a parting jab about how he’s going to get hypothermia and die and Taako’s resulting snort.

It is indeed a six-minute excursion to buy cumin. When he returns, purchased goods in hand, he passes them to Taako, the top of Taako’s braid brushing beneath his chin. He’s a good head taller than Taako and always thought that, if he were to kiss him, his hands would nestle perfectly in the small of Taako’s back.

“I realize, in retrospect, that sending someone out to get ingredients when they’ve got, uh, pneumonia, is — that’s probably a bad look.”

Kravitz blinks, then waves an airy hand through the air. “Like you said. I’m a big boy.”

“Yeah,” Taako says, as close to an apology as Kravitz is going to get. “Like I said. Hey, preheat the oven, will you? 350.”

Kravitz obliges. “Celsius or Fahrenheit?”

He laughs as Taako swats at him with the spoon again, dancing out of Taako’s reach with his tongue stuck out. “Disgusting,” Taako mutters, and sticks out his tongue to match.

Kravitz settles himself in his armchair, flipping idly through an old tome while Taako cooks. It’s a pleasant backdrop while he absorbs this new story (and yes, it’s one of those trashy romance novels that Taako hates but Kravitz refuses to abandon), the sizzling and splashing and decadent aroma wafting through their apartment.

Finally Taako clanks whatever he’s prepared into the oven — Kravitz isn’t even totally sure what, exactly, Taako is making, except that his kitchen smells faintly of garlic and he’d tugged two breasts of chicken out of Kravitz’s freezer, jabbing him on how he couldn’t even freeze chicken right, because he’d stored them too close to the icebox — and slumps onto the sofa with a huff.

That’s Taako’s corner of the sofa, or at least Kravitz thinks of it that way; it’s where he always sits, and in his more fanciful moments Kravitz can make out a Taako-shaped dip in the mattress. As is his custom Taako gathers all the pillows and blankets within reach and shuffles them over his lap, laying his head dramatically on the armrest.

“Hey, uh, your sister back this weekend?’

“Yeah.” Kravitz sets his book aside. Taako and Raven got along fine in the beginning, but since — well, since Kravitz’s affliction, she’s turned colder toward him. He jokes that she hates anyone who isn’t goth, and Taako ribs him about adoring Gerard Way and the t-shirts emblazoned with Amy Lee’s face still hanging in his closet, and they don’t talk about it. “Just in time for the party.”

“Natch.” Taako sprawls along the couch cushions, head resting on one crooked elbow. His hair spills in a golden weave over the threads of Kravitz’s couch and for one impulsive moment Kravitz wants to reach out, thread his fingers through that hair, find out how soft it really is.

“She saved my life, you know,” Kravitz says.

“Huh?”

“Raven. When we were kids.” He hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t truly thought it out, but Kravitz hates that his sister and Taako don’t get along. That they don’t get along because of him. Out of everyone in their little family, Taako and Raven’s icy relationship is surpassed only by his and Lucretia’s. “I used to love swimming.”

“I could deffo get behind you in Spandex.”

Kravitz’s heart clenches. “I was eleven, Taako.”

Taako rolls over, quirks an eyebrow at him upside-down. “When’s the last time you went swimming, Krav?”

“Thirteen years ago.”

There’s a pause as Taako does the math. His eyes widen briefly, before narrowing again. Kravitz clears his throat. “I jumped in the river because there was something shiny at the bottom. And I was pretty good at swimming — this was back when I was a kid, and Raven was just a teenager, she took me to the river sometimes because she knew I loved it.” Kravitz drums his fingers against his thigh. “There was a current beneath the river. I almost drowned, but Raven — she pulled me out.”

Taako studies him. “Touching,” he says dryly. “Why are you telling me this?”

“It’s been ten years,” Kravitz says. “There’s little you don’t know about me already.” Kravitz stills his anxious hands. “Also I know you don’t like my sister and I hate it.”

“Shit, me too.” Taako looks toward the ceiling and crosses his legs. “We got along just fine until junior year, then she got all weird.”

Kravitz bites his lip. “Yeah, I know.”

There’s silence for a beat, then Taako rolls his head toward Kravitz and sits up. “Kravitz,” he says dangerously.

“What?”

“Give me that.”

He’s looking at Kravitz’s book. He snatches it up and holds it to his chest. “No.”

“Do not make me come over there and get it, Kravitz.”

“You’re gonna make fun of it!”

“Oh you know I am,” Taako says, hefting himself to his feet. He perches on one arm of the sofa and stares Kravitz down. “Hand it over, I just wanna read the back.”

Kravitz holds it tighter to his chest. “Don’t you have cooking to be doing?”

Taako snatches for it, but Kravitz twists out of the way. “It’s in the oven, bubbeleh, it’s not my problem for at least another fifteen minutes. Plenty of time to do some investigating.” He shuffles onto Kravitz’s lap and grabs again, but Kravitz holds the book tighter.

“This is awfully rude, Taako.”

Taako grins a sharp shark’s grin. “That’s me,” he says, pleased, and digs his fingers into Kravitz’s sides. “Rude and uncivilized.”

Kravitz lets out an extremely undignified squeak. “Oh come on — !” Kravitz snickers, trying to squirm away from Taako’s fingers and failing. “This isn’t fair, we aren’t fifteen — ha — oh come on, this isn’t fair — ”

He breaks away to snort, curling in on himself in a last-ditch defensive attempt. “Oh no you don’t,” Taako says, and even though Kravitz is currently occupied resisting the urge to throw Taako off his lap (he could and they both know it — Taako never was athletic, ‘too much effort’), he can hear the smile in Taako’s voice. “C’mon, Bones, I just wanna read it — ”

“You’re gonna make fun of me!”

“Perish the thought,” Taako says, and finds a sensitive spot along Kravitz’s sides and digs his fingers in. Kravitz rears backward, trying to wriggle away, but Taako snatches the book from his hands.

Kravitz laughs breathlessly, recomposing himself. The air brushes along the petals in his throat and he coughs once, twice, before clearing his throat and declaring, “I hate you.”

“You could never,” Taako says smugly, still perched atop Kravitz’s knees.

“I hate that my tickle spots are the same after ten years,” Kravitz grumbles, burying his face in Taako’s chest. “I’m an adult now, those shouldn’t still work!”

“Not how biology works, homeslice,” Taako says absently, pinching Kravitz’s nose with the hand not occupied holding the back cover in front of his face. Kravitz shakes his head to dislodge Taako’s fingers, smacks Taako’s hand away. “Oh my god, Kravitz.”

Kravitz groans, low and defeated.

“This is awful. This is awful, how do you — a horse? Why is this — is this a gay cowboy story?” Taako tucks two fingers beneath his chin and tugs his face up, brandishing the book at him with the other. “Are you reading a — a fuckin’ homosexual Western?”

“It’s a good genre,” Kravitz defends, blushing furiously. He snatches for the book, but Taako dances out of the way. He’s always been faster than Kravitz. “I don’t need you critiquing my taste in literature.”

“Listen — okay, no, first of all, you definitely do, because this is unacceptable and second, literature? This cannot be called literature, Kravitz! Literature has the word “lit” in and therefore by default cannot be applied to anything you read!”

“I’ve read the draft of your cookbook.”

Taako freezes, then hits him lightly in the chest with his own book. “Take your trash back,” he sulks. “Can’t sully my hands with it anymore.”

“You know I’m right, Taako!”

“I will confess to no such thing.”

“You don’t need to,” Kravitz sing-songs, leaning forward, bracing his elbows on Taako’s knees. “I already know everything I need to.”

Taako stares him dead in the eyes, then pokes his nose. “False. I — I don’t have anything better than false, and also fuck you.”

Kravitz goes to lick his finger and Taako yanks it back, retching. “You’re disgusting!”

“Learned it from Lup,” Kravitz shrugs, grinning unabashedly up at him. “Your sister, your fault.”

“No, that’s not even — you are so far off,” Taako says, disentangling himself from Kravitz’s lap and going to check on the kitchen. “By that logic that means you also gotta blame me for trying to set you up with Barold during freshman year and I want no part of that.”

“I think that worked out for Lup in the end, though,” Kravitz says, standing and stretching. “Chicken done?”

“Almost,” Taako says, putting the oven mitts back. It’d taken Kravitz four years to drill organization into Taako’s head — in this flat everything has a place and will be returned there, thank you. “Five minutes or so.”

“How long until people arrive?”

“You have a clock on your wrist.”

Kravitz sprawls out over the couch and grins cheekily at him. “Too far away.”

“You’re awful,” Taako says, rolling his eyes where Kravitz can see him. “We’ve got half an hour.”

“Cool.” He sits back, studies the ceiling, then picks his head up again. “Hey, could you grab Angus’s present? It’s in my closet.”

“Are you trying to put me back in the closet?”

“And you say my gay jokes are awful.”

Taako pauses, considering. “Okay, yeah, that one was pretty bad. What will you give me in return?”

Kravitz shrugs. “My undying love and affection?”

Taako snorts. “Disgusting,” he says, but tromps obligingly into Kravitz’s room. “Your room’s a mess!”

“Is not!”

“Your bed isn’t made, and there’s dust on the windowsill!”

Kravitz rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry I don’t dust my bedroom often enough for your tastes!”

He hears a muttered “you should be,” then silence. Kravitz closes his eyes, the delicious scent of garlic and rosemary wafting around the kitchen, and waits for Taako’s returning footsteps.

They return, far slower than they should. Kravitz sits up, and when he looks toward the entryway, Taako is carrying a jar of rose petals.

Ice chills in Kravitz’s veins.

“Taako?”

Taako doesn’t say anything as he crosses the room. Kravitz stiffens, scoots over to make room, and Taako sits, face eerily blank. This time, Taako doesn’t bother with his nest of blankets.

“What are these?”

“Petals,” Kravitz says, and in an attempt at lightheartedness says “I’d have thought you’d know that, Taako, your father is a gardener — ”

“Kravitz.”

Kravitz’s heart plummets to his stomach. Taako looks at him and Kravitz can’t hold his gaze, so he looks away, looks to the table still scuffed with bootprints from Taako’s uncaring kicked-up legs.

“Why do you keep them?”

His voice is perfectly even. Taako’s voice is never even. “I like them,” he shrugs. “I know that sounds, uh, fucked up, but — they remind me what I’m — ” He swallows, cuts himself off. “Are you angry?”

Taako ignores his last question. “Yeah, that’s pretty fucked up,” he says. He sets the jar on the table, lips pressed firmly together, eyes still shadowed with something Kravitz can’t quite understand. “You know, I don’t think I’ll ever understand you, Kravitz.”

“Taako, you still know me.”

“He’s a lucky guy.” This time, he’s the one who won’t meet Kravitz’s gaze. “Whoever he is.”

Kravitz blinks. “Taako, it isn’t — it isn’t some guy, it’s — ”

“Don’t.”

“Taako— ”

Taako’s voice is harsh with warning. “Don’t, Kravitz.”

Taako sits up, shoulders tense and gaze fixed rigid on the unlit fireplace in the wall. His jaw is locked tight and Kravitz feels like he can’t breathe and for once, it isn’t the damned garden coating his windpipe.

“Okay,” Kravitz says softly. “Okay, I won’t. Are you all right?”

Taako barks out a laugh, hands fisting in his jeans. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

It doesn’t sound like a compliment.

“I’ve been told,” Kravitz murmurs. He looks toward the fireplace as well. “The chicken’s probably done.”

Taako blinks. “Right,” he says, and stands. “Right. Yeah, it probably is.”

He stands. Kravitz hears the oven door open, shut, metal clanking against metal. There’s a beep of an interior thermometer; a pause, then the rhythmic sound of chopping.

Kravitz’s chest is tight now, too, something uncomfortably heavy pressing on his sternum. This is why he hadn’t said anything. He knew this was going to happen, knew that when Taako found out he would get scared, and he would leave.

Kravitz wants to run, badly. Wants to flee his own flat, take refuge with Hurley and Sloane. Maybe call Julia and see if her dining room table has room for one more, if she’s got tea steeping.

But too many people have left Taako already and if Kravitz leaves now he’ll smash the last of the wooden slats he hasn’t already burned. Instead he forces himself to stand, walk over to his own counter. He — he needs Taako to know this, at least.

“This isn’t your fault, Taako.”

His back is turned toward Kravitz and it stiffens at the words. There’s a pause in the rhythm of his chopping and it lulls, just for a moment; then Taako says, with a voice so unaffected Kravitz startles to hear it, “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, my man.”

His heart drops. “Ah,” Kravitz says. In the end, he tells himself, it’s better than it could be — he could have lost Taako entirely. He can keep pretending nothing’s wrong. He — he wouldn’t mind.

Inside his throat, the roses bloom, stretching their petals a bit farther. The prickling feeling of seeds taking root trickles farther up his windpipe and he fights the urge to retch, balling a fist against his mouth and blinking back involuntary tears.

“I think Lup bought Ango trick candles,” Taako says after a while. He slides the diced carrots off the chopping board, drops them in the bowl with a brisk flick of his wrist. “I don’t even think — don’t think she needs them, to be honest. She could just relight ‘em as soon as they go out.”

“He’d realize though,” Kravitz says carefully. “He’s very intelligent.”

“He’ll figure out they’re trick candles pretty fast too,” Taako says sharply. “But yeah. Don’t freak when they keep burning.”

“I won’t.”

Taako hums absently. His back is still turned. He pulls three full tomatoes out of his bag and sets about slicing those. “How long do we have?”

“Fifteen minutes.”

“Cool cool.”

“Do you need help?”

Taako snorts. “Not from you, my man.”

Kravitz bites his lip. He doesn’t know what to say, and that’s what gets him more than anything else — he doesn’t know what to do. He’s never had to dance around Taako. The sort of easy honesty that grew between them was present from the very start, and Kravitz has uprooted it. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to smooth things out into the easy camaraderie of before.

“Still got Magnus’s ducks?”

“Yeah,” Kravitz says. “Those were in the closet, too. Did you — did you grab Angus’s — ”

“Nah, got a little sidetracked.” Taako brushes a lock of hair out of his face with one shoulder. “Just be warned, I think he’s bringing some more. Takes every chance he can get to, uh, fuckin’ frisbee them at people he knows.”

“I’ll clear more space then,” Kravitz says, and leaves.

He means to grab the present and head back to the kitchen, he really does; but alone, the full weight of Taako’s stubborn denial weighs on him and he sinks to his knees on the patchwork carpet of his closet. He fights to keep his breathing even, he can’t afford to cry because then he’ll start coughing, and that —

He retches. One hand flies to his mouth and the other scrambles for the closet door, pulling it shut. The light spilling in from his bedroom ceases, leaving him in the dark, and Kravitz struggles to keep his coughs as quiet as possible.

It’s different now, this — the petals he’s coughing up seem larger, fuller somehow, and Kravitz’s eyes sting. Gods, he doesn’t want to deal with anyone right now, doesn’t want to deal with Taako. He hopes he’s not audible from the kitchen.

After several minutes the fit passes and Kravitz, now able to breathe easier, slumps back against the wall. He stares into the darkness, the faint halo of light around his door, and buries his head in his hands. Crying is out of the question, he’s too drained — he couldn’t muster tears even if he wanted them — so he dashes a hand across his eyes, his lips, reaching shakily for the water bottle Raven keeps tucked in the back corner. He unscrews it, hands still trembling, and takes a large drink to calm himself.

Kravitz counts thirty seconds, slumped against the wall, hands shaking where he’s folded them in his lap, eyes closed despite the darkness around him. Then he shuts the water bottle, replaces it, and opens the closet door, present in hand.

Scattered around him are full roses’ heads.

Kravitz doesn’t breathe, for several moments. Nothing blocking his windpipe; just shock.

It can get worse, he knows. Progress from petals to full flowers, when love is unrequited. This is what most experts call the point of no return; he probably couldn’t get surgery now, even if he wanted.

His only thought is how upset Raven will be. He hates when she worries.

He kneels, touches the head of one gently. There are at least ten, a dozen petals on each head, and scattered around him are no less than six. He thinks, I’m going to need a larger jar.

For now the smaller ones will have to do. He uncaps one — he and Raven keep them on the top shelf — and shovels them in, careful to leave their heads undamaged. He looks to the windowsill where he kept his jars, looks toward the kitchen where he can hear Taako still chopping, rhythm undaunted, then places this new jar on the sill.

“Find it?” Taako asks, when Kravitz reenters the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Kravitz rasps. One of Taako’s ears flick back toward him, though he himself does not move. Kravitz clears his throat and tries again, voice far more pleasantly full this time.

Five minutes pass in silence before the doorbell rings. Just before Kravitz opens it he hears Taako take a deep breath and glances over to find him arched over his cutting board, knuckles white around the knife.

Kravitz opens the door, a bright smile already in place.

[detectiveangusmcdonald]

The Despair Zone| Chapter 1: Welcome to the Academy

First Previous Next

Summary: Sixteen high school students find themselves trapped in a high school by someone forcing them to play a killing game.

Word Count: 1359

Warnings: None

Notes: The chapter in which everyone is introduced. My beta said it was fine, so I hope he’s right.

Read on AO3

Magnus woke up with a jolt. He wasn’t dreaming, yet all of a sudden he felt like he was falling. He groaned and sat up straight. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he took in his surroundings.

He was in a classroom, sitting in one of the desks. They were arranged in a nearly perfect square. There were sixteen seats in total. The chalkboard was empty, but not spotless. Did Magnus fall asleep in class again? He tried to look out the window, only to find that it was covered.

Magnus got up to try and take the cover off of the window. He pulled; it didn’t come off. He tried again, still nothing. Third time's the charm, he thought before failing again. The bolts were holding pretty tightly.

He looked around the room again, now noticing a folded piece of paper on one to the desks. He opened it.

Opening ceremony begins at 9:00 in the gymnasium.

Magnus searches around the room for a clock. The one above the door read 8:30. He had time, so he went to find other people.

The hallways were empty, so he picked a direction and stuck with it. He read the signs on the doors but didn’t look in. He figured there would be time to explore later.

He passed by the door to the entrance hall when he heard voices. He pushed open the door.

There was a large group of people standing in front of a huge industrial lock. A handful of them turned around when he walked in. One waved. “There’s another!” Someone else called out.

“I think that’s everyone.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I found the class roster, and it has sixteen names on it.”

“Why don’t you’d role call then?”

“Alright.” The voice cleared their throat. “Ren Bir, Ultimate Mixologist.”

“Here!” A dark elf girl standing next to Magnus called out. Her skin was dark gray, and her hair was white. She was wearing an old-timey, white, high collar dress with a brown vest buttoned in the front on top. Her boots were black and had a small heel.

“Barry Bluejeans, Ultimate Engineer.”

“I’m here!” A human guy across the room yelled. He had brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. His hair looked like a mullet in the front, but thankfully it wasn’t long in the back. He was average height and a bit overweight. He was wearing a red jacket over a plain white t-shirt. True to his last name, his jeans were a bright blue.

“Magnus Burnsides, Ultimate Protector. “

“Here!” Magnus saw many different expressions and body language. Some people were tense, probably because of his height and build. Others relaxed a bit after hearing his title, but most were confused. He could hear murmurs of “What does the Ultimate Protector do?”

“Drew Davenport, Ultimate Pilot.”

“Present and ready for duty!” Magnus couldn’t find out who it was coming from at first. When he looked down, he realized why. Davenport was a gnome with fiery red hair and pretty impressive facial hair. Magnus was a little jealous. He was wearing a tuxedo and a blue bow tie. Honestly, he looked more like a butler than a pilot.

“Carey Fangbattle, Ultimate Thief.”

“Here!” A small, blue dragonborn, more like a lizardborn, calle dour. She was wearing typical rogue attire with a yellow bandana tied around her neck.

“Kravitz Heriotza, Ultimate Hitman.” The mood of the room suddenly went uneasy.

“Uh, here,” A strikingly handsome man said. He had dark skin and dark hair done in dreadlocks. He was also wearing a tuxedo and a sweeping black robe. He looked like the Grim Reaper himself.

“Alright, um, Merle Highchurch, Ultimate Botanist.”

No one said anything. Everyone was looking around the room for Merle, before the person calling role said, “Oh wait shit, that’s me.” There were some laughs and various groans throughout the crowd.

Merle was a beach dwarf with white hair and a long beard. His eyes were a beautiful hazel color. His attired was, well, one of a typical dad’s.

“John Hunger, Ultimate uhhh…” Merle pulled the paper closer to his face. “It doesn’t say what your talent is, buddy.”

“That’s an issue, since I don’t remember my talent either,” A slim man with salt and pepper hair said. He was wearing a sharp gray suit, a narrow black tie, and some very nice shoes.

“Okay, uh, Lucretia Marasini, Ultimate Biographer.”

“I’m here.” A mousy voice called out. She was a human girl with short, white hair and dark skin. She was wearing a light blue dress with a white cape and looked like she was trying to make herself smaller.

“Angus McDonald, Ultimate Detective.”

“Here, sir!” A small boy said. He had olive skin, dark hair, and dark eyes behind very big glasses. His attire could only be described as “fancy boi.” Magnus felt the overwhelming urge to ruffle this kid’s hair.

“Lucas Miller, Ultimate Planeologist.”

“I’m here.” Everything about this voice screamed “nerd.” His skin was tannish, but it didn’t look like it was from the sun. He wore a lab coat and nerd glasses.

“Johan Pellegrino, Ultimate Violinist.”

“Uh, here.” This guy’s voice was droopy and sad. He was the spitting image of a bard. A violin was strapped to his back.

“Killian Shimojo, Ultimate Archer.”

“Here!” An orc woman called out. She had green skin and black hair. She was pretty buff and could probably give Magnus a run for his money. She was wearing a white tank top and brown pants.

“Lup Tacco, Ultimate Pyrotechnic.”

“Here, darling!” A green-skinned elf yelled. She had very short hair in a punk-style haircut. She was wearing a yellow crop top, navy blue pants, and knee-high boots. She was carrying a red umbrella for some reason.

“Taako Tacco, Ultimate Chef.”

“Live and in person, baby!” Another elf that looked almost exactly like Lup said. The only difference was his blond hair was long and braided. He was wearing a giant purple wizard’s hat. His tunic was white, and his leggings were navy. He was wearing knee-high black boots and a purple wizard’s robe.

“And finally, Julia Waxmen, Ultimate Woodworker.”

“Here!” Magnus’s head rushed when he heard her voice. He had gone to middle school with Julia and developed a major crush on her. His friends didn’t see it, but she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

“Alright, that’s everyone,” Merle said, putting the clipboard down on a nearby table.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say this. What the fuck is going on?” Taako gestured around the room when he spoke.

“That will probably be answered in due time, but how do we open the door?” Ren asked.

“Can we brute force it?” Magnus suggested. Some of the stronger people nodded in agreement.

Angus walked up to the door and studied it for a minute. “Nope, too sturdy. Not even a tornado could rip it out.”

“Can I try to pick the lock?” Carey stepped up to the door.

“Maybe it’s a combination or coded lock,” Lucas said.

Angus looked some more. “I can’t find a keyhole or a number pad.”

“Magic?” Killian suggested.

“There’s something weird in the air.” Taako turned to Lup. “You feel it too, right?”

“Yeah, for some reason, I feel drained.”

“Then how do we get out of here?” John asked.

The room erupted into voices. Everyone was trying to voice their opinion, but it was too loud. It only quieted down when the sound of a school bell was heard and a monitor Magnus had not yet seen flickered to life.

‘Hello, is this thing on?” A cartoonish voice came to life. “Opening ceremony begins in 5 minutes in the gymnasium.” The screen turned off.

“Should we go?” Barry asked.

“Do we have a choice?” Davenport retaliated, leading a majority of the group out. All who remained were Magnus, Kravitz, Lucretia, and Angus.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Kravitz said, rubbing his arms a bit.

“There’s no point in waiting. Besides,” Angus turned around and smiled, “what’s the worst that could happen?”

[dungeonsanddragonsfifthedition]

tazchat: edward and lydia are fun villains and i love them

Magnus: I have never done anything wrong, ever, in my life.

Rowan: I know this, and I love you.

“hey griffin why is this arc called the suffering game?” / “no reason!”

magnus just not down to deal w this bougie berries and cream ass

mercs!

rowan has Magnus Crush Energy

“we’ll use each other. that’s what friendship is!”

“are you part dryad? i was hoping it was a dryad situation” hurloane energy

i know that liking tsg is already a Mildly Hot Take but. i love the aesthetic of wonderland.

Miracle Milk!

magnus blart mall cop

antonia doesn’t know how to curse

MAGNUS IS ALREADY INSIDE

magnus just picks taako up and is like. time to Go.

merle waddles with regret.

here they are!!!!

and she SNAPS

taako is fucking delighted

FUCKING AMAZING

Jesse And James!

lydia sounds upsettingly lup-esque which is. i guess intentional.

LYDIA PLACES HER HAND ON MAGNUS’ SHOULDER / MAGNUS SCREAMS

“was that an—an innuendo? i’m not really comfortable with—“ / “maybe!” she winks

WHEN WE LOOK THIS GOOD DOES IT REALLY MATTER? and she vogues

“are you guys taking applications? i have several references: these dunces and also several others, who are dead”

eye / body / skull / brain / backpack / hand /swords / clock / ?

“man i hope it doesn’t land on the skull” too bad bitch you’re gonna get us the best scene in the show when you roll skull

i love wheeldecide!

magnus rolls hand, needs to lose a finger. he gets to choose which one.

“you’re being greedy, actually. you gave ten of ‘em!”

statistically speaking, magnus probably should have already lost a finger.

he chooses left pinky.

breathing out fog when you complain.

this song is a fuckin jam good guest music

merle rolls eye. his eyes are hazel, but they go dark grey as he loses darkvision.

“can you take an eye?” / “not yet!”

taako rolls skull, gets Pretty Bad Luck!

so this raises the question: did griffin intend to send whoever rolled bad luck most recently to the astral plane, or was it just magnus? because Griffin Wants To Kill Magnus is my favorite recurring thread on this show and i want to know if it’s intentional

prisoner’s dilemma time!

taako’s rushin in!

magnus follows him!

merle’s good out here!

griffin doesn’t know how to react!

lil tiny pixel boys! i drew em the other day having forgotten about this!

PRESS FORSAAAAKE!!!!

taako as a pragmatist and magnus as a sentinel type arguing about forsake versus trust and merle’s just like. whatever. i trust folks.

magnus insists upon having team meetings in the pocket spa.

taako figures this shit out re: the point of wonderland IMMEDIATELY

gotta keep a posi attitude!

WELCOME... TO THE MONSTER FACTORY!

god i wish they fought pam or borth in this. imagine fistfighting borth sampson

imagine fistfighting THE BOY MAYOR

...Magnus Can Fight Bears

“this is gonna get zany!” god i love the vogue twins. best individual arc villains.

[lichlover]

taz femslash february // day 23 // keep it secret

“Alright,” says Lup. Her pretty, darkish eyes are glossed over, and her voice trips and sways as she says, “Gotta think of a good one… okay. Here we go. Never have I ever… been straight.”

Team building activities, Lucretia thinks, actually aren’t all that bad.

To be fair, she’s never thought of herself as a team player. People like her—introverts, writers, the odd applicant to the Institute of Planar Research’s space exploration program—usually aren’t. So she had been filled with an instant, icy dread as soon as she’d seen the memo waiting for her in her dorm:

PLEASE REPORT TO THE COMMON ROOM AT 1900 HOURS FOR A TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE.

REGARDS,

THE IPRE HUMAN RESOURCES TEAM

At least they’d said please, Lucretia had thought, and then set aside the manuscript she’d planned to spend the night editing. It was probably best she didn’t pull another all-nighter, anyway. This would be good for her and her social skills. And for the team, of course.

She’s never been all that good at making excuses, especially to herself.

Still, when the clock on her nightstand flashed 18:45, Lucretia had reluctantly gotten up from her very comfortable bed and made her way down to the common room. She’d sat through a speech from the HR representative, who had looked a little too enthused at the prospect of having all of the Institute’s explorers in one room, and decided to take it as an opportunity to ramble as much as possible. Lucretia couldn’t critique her nervous babbling without the pot calling the kettle black, so she had focused on the others instead. She ran through their names again and again—Captain Davenport, Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch, Barry… Bluejeans? Unclear, was what she’d settled on. Taako and Lup, no surname. As far as we know.

She knew a fair amount about everyone in the room besides the twins. To Lucretia’s knowledge, they were incredibly smart, they thought they were a lot more mysterious than they actually were, and they were beautiful. Beautiful and intimidating, she’d thought, as her gaze settled on Lup. There was something about Lup that set a room aflame when she walked in (only occasionally in a literal sense). Even then, looking away and back to the representative, Lucretia’s neck had burned. It was, in all honesty, probably because social situations had always posed a challenge to her—that was the most reasonable explanation.

It could also have been because she’s incredibly gay, but she’s trying not to think about that right now.

Right now, as a matter of fact, she’s about as tipsy as she can be without being full-on drunk, because one of them (she can’t remember which) had suggested Never Have I Ever, and it turns out they’re all very worldly people. Lucretia’s glass isn’t quite drained, but a few (most notably Magnus, Davenport, and Lup) are already on their second, and as soon as Lup asks her question they all raise their glasses again. In fact, everyone does. Everyone including Lucretia, who thanks her lucky stars that her blush is impossible to discern, because she hadn’t planned on talking about her sexuality during an Institute-mandated group activity session. Her addled brain points out that Sometimes that’s the way it be.

When they do, Taako elbows his sister, and says, “I fuckin’ knew it.”

“You did not! You said Bluejeans over here—”

“Not my name—”

“You said Bluejeans was straight, and if he wasn’t, you owed me ten gold. Pay up,” says Lup, triumphantly, and holds out a hand. Taako groans and digs into his pockets as everyone finishes up their sip.

Magnus sets his glass on the table and looks around, awestruck. “Damn. It’s really all of us, huh? Um… okay, show of hands, where’re my bisexual peeps?”

“Ayo!” Lup tucks the gold into her jacket and reaches over to high-five Magnus. She nearly knocks Barry’s glasses off his face, and he jumps and almost lowers his hand. “Alright, cool, nice…”

“Yeah, cool, cool, cool,” Taako interrupts. He’s still looking fairly sour as he says, “Who else ’s gay as fuck, then?”

It doesn’t quite register until Lucretia’s mind catches up with the moment, and then she raises her hand before she can stop herself. Lup’s eyes snap to hers, and Lucretia almost falls out of her chair.

“Interesting,” is all she says, and grins. It’s bright enough to vaporize Lucretia on the spot.

Taako’s hand is also up, and he regards Davenport with interest. “I d-don’t know if I’d call myself gay as fuck,” their captain says, drily, “b-because that’s not the most… uh, choice turn of phrase, b-but… anyway. Merle?”

They all look to their resident cleric, who shrugs. “I mean, I’m not sayin’ I’m the reason they call it pansexual, but…”

A collective groan drifts through the room. Lucretia has to stifle a smile.

She’s shoving the last of the HR-approved teamwork guidance packets into her bag when she feels a light tap on her shoulder. Lucretia bites down on a squeak and whirls around, one-hundred-percent ready to chastise whoever had snuck up on her, and comes face-to-face with Lup.

Actually, it’s more like face-to-chin—Lup is very tall—but that doesn’t keep a thrill from shooting down Lucretia’s spine.

“Uh, hi,” is what she can muster.

Lup clicks her tongue. “Y’know, I was gonna say hi, too, but you just beat me right to it, huh?”

She smiles, radiant and wide, and Lucretia returns it in what she’s sure is the most awkward manner possible. “Totally didn’t mean to startle you, by the way. Sorry ’bout that. Just wanted to touch base with the other sapphic gal around here. Crazy, right? All of this?”

“Well,” says Lucretia, still blushing furiously, “you know what they say. No straights allowed in space, right?”

Lup stares, and for a chilling moment, Lucretia is convinced she’s actually nowhere near as funny as her editors tell her she is. Then she bursts out laughing, and her laugh is the most wonderful thing under the suns. “Oh, man. No straights allowed in space. I’m gonna get that tattooed on my fucking arm. Taako—’Ko, did you hear that? No straights allowed?”

Her brother pushes himself up from where he lounges against the doorframe. “Fuckin’ hilarious. Can you quit flirting so we can get a move on?”

“Guess that’s my cue,” Lup says, and shoots an exaggeratedly dirty look his way before she turns back to Lucretia. “Look, you’re fun, okay? We should hang out before things pop off. I gotta get me some more of that signature Luce wit. You’re cool if I call you Luce, right?”

“Uh… yeah,” says Lucretia, who isn’t quite sure what cool is anymore.

“Awesome.” Lup nudges her and says, “Stop by my dorm anytime, mkay?”

“Mkay,” echoes Lucretia, who can’t recognize an open invitation when it’s standing directly in front of her.

“Sweet.” She turns on her heel and strides off in Taako’s direction, and Lucretia stands with a packet of team building exercises in her hands in the dim, empty common room.

Can you quit flirting? Taako had said.

Lup hadn’t denied it.

Team building activities, Lucretia thinks, aren’t that bad at all.