#So I let myself grieve | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

keyboardinpain · 1 year

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yk I can do a lot of things but I'll never get that certain someone back. I don't know their full name, I can't remember their face or their voice, their laughter... their clothes.. just a vague silhouette I used to call one of my bestest friends. One of my first friends that I had to leave behind without any closure. I've lost contact with family members to but when I think about Mila it hurts more. I lost her before I even knew how to spell. She became such an integral part of my identity when I was younger.. part of me is still in that friendship.. she helped me for years to come without even knowing yet I wouldn't be able to draw her even if I wanted to.

Sometimes I think that she may not have existed at all but I have this tiny Mochila Wayuu she made for me.. my only memory of her.. and I remember her making it and giving it to me.. and I didn't give her anything... I have her gift to remember her by, but what does she have of me? If I could meet her again I'd change so many things. How I wish life had given me a warning

#I miss her often #She's often in my thoughts #I hope she's alright #leaving your country is hard..even more so when you're loosing friends #meitoswords #My grief is proof that I cared #That what happened existed even if I can't remember #So I let myself grieve #But man it hurts

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princehoneytea · 17 days

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Favorite and least favorite ffxiv expansions? (My current fav is honestly DT with its world building, and my least fav would be... Technically Stormblood, but if it counts as its own expansion I'd say post-ARR pre-HW, despite having Leviathan in it.)

UR SO REAL FOR THIS !!!!!! dt was really good i was pleased......

personally i think mine are shadowbringers > endwalker > dawntrail > heavensward > ARR > stormblood (i am also a filthy stormblood non-enjoyer. idk just not big on the character writing in that)

nothing will ever be shadowbringers to me i am so obsessed with it. by itself shadowbringers might be my favorite piece of media ever.

more specifically about dawntrail... i felt like it was definitely the strongest entry in terms of cultural sensitivity and fresh plot hooks, so i couldnt be happier with it in terms of introducing the new plot!! it just wasnt as far up there as the last two for me because im a filthy WoL-lover and the WoL wasnt that relevant, so by default i wasnt as invested GHFHGHF

ummm. i am VERY stoned right now. post bakool ja ja

#i usually dont let myself answer asks like thi s as to not clog the tl with non-art but im grieving BADLYYY@ BADLYYYY!!!!#so you will allow me to final fantasy post boy.#i M redeeming my good behavior points from the last decade of tumblr #i will post. bakool jaja. ibn my blog.#prince talks

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flowercrowngods · 11 months

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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

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schizononagesimus · 3 months

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oh my god im going to tear my eyes out. in a good way. i dont know why the world is trying to pull me in two directions so hard right now but i got another funding opportunity at my chosen university out of nearly nowhere. i don't think i have a good chance, but I can at least try and inevitably mourn when i don't get it. i also have another job opportunity that would also get me back in europe. I still have articles to edit and presentations to give this summer and beyond. It's not over until it's over, and boy is it not fucking over. I just gotta get the fight back in me.

#i didnt even tell people that i was in the running for a different phd too bc i thought id be rejected and i was ultimately but i was only #one of two candidates. it was close! and now if i have this gap year there's another funding opportunity at my uni of choice and THEN #another phd opportunity ill be writing a proposal for. so either way im winning. i just have to remind myself that im still fucking in this.#i refuse to leave academia and everyone is refusing to let me. i just had to grieve but the universe wont even let me do that and keeps #throwing opportunities at me. maybe itll happen. maybe this year. probably not but god what if #lessons of the hand and the mouth

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kalakilo · 7 months

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me trying to come up with literally ANY type of explanation to the aous ending that wouldnt mean what it most obviously means because i am so devastated

#ive seen some people say it kind of ruins the film for them #and in a sense i can see how the ending could go different ways as well #but. idk to me it just served like the final gut punch #also??? idk if this is mental but to me another possibility is that harry couldve done it the night adam went to show him his parents house #thats actually how i sort of interpreted it whilst i was in the cinema #but maybe thats also because i didnt want to accept the common interpretation. its too much #and whether it be that harry also re-experiences his death or adam chooses to embrace his ghost like both are devastating to me #because grief is not easy at all!!!!!! so like to say that adam starts grieving harry then is also just😭😭😭😭sad asfuck #but it could also very well be him sort of reassuring harry like he did his parents. how he tells them both that they went quick even though #his mom didnt. so adam reassuring harry with 'youre not in there' and asking him to go upstairs could be him letting go as well #but no fr there is no way to me that none of that was real.#god i am truly so devastated. i just fucking rewatched aftersun why do i do this to myself #lol anyway!#all of us strangers

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lemongogo · 1 year

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vash w this hairstyle is literally so cute.. .. wolfwood matchies or smt T__T

#litearlly dont talk 2 me i saw the knives panel again and smashed everuthing inmy room and set myself on fire #am i wrong 4 thinking that he shouldve had a little more time.am i wrong for thinking this guy.having lived in terrible fear #his whole life 4 what he thought could happen 2 him. to his brother. DID happen 2 his sister #should be able 2 experience some happiness and comfort for once #like yeah the guy killed hundreds of thousands SUREE ok.AND??? let the guy breathe a little #BAHAHA no i think i do still agree w the ultimate ending of him using the last of his energy 2 generate that apple tree #its sweet and i do like the sentiment it was just. Too.soon after it was literally right after #and im like coughing and hacking and wishing.that he and vash couldve spent those few months living (somewhat) peacefully #and secluded.before everything that happened #i guess there is a bittersweet tinge to knives dying before vash woke up / could say gbye but idk.i just grieve 4 this guy #even if a clean redemption isnt like #feasible in a sense U KNOW!!!!!!! but then again i dont think. satisfying endings have to be clean cut and perfect #like he doesnt have to be redeemed i think. not everyone needs Redemption as it exists in its current form #&& i do think that even after all he did.comma.he wasnt entirely wrong?like you cant rly blame him 4 rejecting coexistence #based on the way plants have historically been treated (assuming he also telepathized with exploited plants after the great fall)#though not to say that his decisions/methodology is right ykwim #and i know yeaa yeaa there was a lot of hypocrisy in how he used the other plants 2 amass power #ok this is literally getting too convoluted there r so many conditional aspects to this but long story short i do thnk he deserved.#a little something at the end;______; even if just 4 me to see art of them together post-final arc .#< me dragging my knuckles in the sand w open wounds or smth #sry vash post turned into knives sadblogging EHAHEHA but its like the nature of this^ guys life anyways LMAO #trigun spoilers #trigun maximum #trigun #vash

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mbirnsings-71 · 2 months

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"I don't like sad things" hello ??? you who has come up with some of the angstiest things before ? delightfully hurt/comfort ? /t

Listen Blaines my dear friend

I never said I wasn't a hypocrite, like I was in tears about your lie in april + I want to eat your pancreas and I'm always in tears about Kojika and Ronin's Right person, not enough time dynamic- I think that's just a trope that's always gonna make me cry ngl-

I genuinely don't like sad things most of the time but angst I can handle when I know there's comfort at the end. When I know the characters are gonna get a happy ending or I know where the story is gonna go or if I'm forewarned ahead of time.

And the Angst thing is because I have Ru as my role model in the angst department so Gotta keep up with their silly antics /j

#that being said uhhhhhh Yes I have angst things but listen LISTEN #if you think i'm bad you should see Danganronpa's backstories for their characters good lord #My motto is please get characters therapy amen #bUT NO NO STORIES ABOUT GRIED FUCK ME UP IN A VERY PARTICULAR A WAY #i think it's why I'm latching onto batman so hard because His story is rooted so heavily in grief #it is an intricate part of who he is! it was a life altering event the death of his parents! you can't take it away from the person he is!!#and Grief is that thing you can never really escape because death comes for everyone in the end. you're either going to be the grieved or #the griever #the saddest thing that can be is someone who has no one to grieve for them tbh #sorry I quite literallt just finished your lie in april an hour ago so it is fresh on the brain #BLAINES :D!!#but yeah no if anyone asks about Any angst thoughts I have uhhhhhh it depends because I usually sell myself as someone that's very fluff #focused and that's true and is the main kind of stuff I enjoy reading/watching but sometimes Angst is good #Especially as Hurt/Comfort JUST MWAH the good stuff in getting comfort #madi answers #also if anyone asks who kojika and ronin are... they are some of my ocs #i don't usually talk about my OCs on tumblr because it's tumblr but I have so much lore on them it's insane #wHICH KOJIKA'S STORY IS ALSO SO INTRICATELY TIED TO GRIEF AND HOW IT'S EVER CONSUMING IF YOU LET IT BE AND GNAWS #if any of you ask about my OCs I apologize for the infodump that will be thrown upon my page #it's honestly easier to get their info from my art fight please

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faaun · 6 months

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if i had an allergic reaction again will my friend appear to hold my hand again if i get really drunk again will they carry me home if i'm too sick to get up will she call me at 5 AM to check up again if we've missed a flight and we're stuck in city we weren't meant to be in at 2AM will he tell me about philosophy again if i make bad decisions will she almost slap me in the face and hand me a cigarette again if i feel lost will she share shitty kebab and tell me about her life again will we get to play poker together again

#will he text me for advice about girls again #will she let me walk her home and tell me about her love life again #will she bleach my hair again will she cut my hair again will he teach me about jets and airplanes and the armories in his school again #will she tell me about the bell jar will she write music about me will they braid my hair in a hot summer again #will he walk next to me and tell me about how he wants to become an art curator? will he almost fall into a canal?#will she tell me to bite on a menthol cigarette again #will i get to see them smile again #i know we grow around memories and you never get over a person you lost really you just grow into and around the space they left behind #but theres just a lot of space #will i ever be big enough for everyone i ever loved #carrying memoried is so insane like what a monumental task #(id rather die than not carry them at all though maybe that's the same thing twice)#welcome to london paddington . etc etc #my friend cooked for me when i was too overtaken by heartache to do it myself. yesterday she put a blanket on me without me asking #if i lose her one day how will i carry that #idk how we are capable of this but our capacity for loss is so insane #anyway #time to stop grieving in advance #bye time to get off the train

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mifunebooty · 2 days

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I will survive my 6 month streak curse of being in love and having the mega hots for Robert Mitchum

#cherry says #nodding my head silently trying to be in resigned contentedness and acceptance #6 months bitch even if u count from the dream on thats to November bitch #i predict at most by the time fall semester ends #fuck *sits down* im fine ill reach in my fridge and get a beer out even though I don't like beer #me after crying and grieving for the 356th time: okay let's go *crawls in the bed with him*#hes cursed me and yet at the same time this has opened my eyes compared to the sweet normal years #where i was a fan of his anyway and was just like yeah hes a crazy good performer hes kinda hot ugly and moved on #and suddenly with the curse and everything else its all opened to me his fullest effect on me #its all so terrible but i cant help myself even if i lock the doors and throw away the keys ugh okay baby just come in stay for the fall to #stay over for the rest of your time you want

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cqcandchill · 2 days

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:( mutually agreed to not progress the relationship bc he realized he wasn't ready yet and needed more time to figure himself out after a longterm relationship. i'm bummed and not sure i really want to get back on the horse re: dating but ultimately it is what it is... glad it was a conversation we could have with nothing but care and compassion for each other, proud of myself for asking for what i want and not accepting less than what i deserve.

although it does fucking suck a week before my birthday lmfao!!!! whatever at least i have my band of brothers boxset

#oh major winters we're really in it now.#i'll let myself grieve for a little bit and take a break from dating until i know wtf i wanna do #ultimately it's not a huge catastrophe/not much invested but after being single for so long it feels disproportionately ouchies #and i liked him a lot (and i know he liked me) it's just one of those things. oh well there's other things

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carpthecarp · 9 days

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tonights mood kinda

#kinda one of those nights where i feel an overwhelming sorrow and grief #i dont know how else to describe it. I feel like ive been grieving for so long and i cant dig myself out of it #grieving people- people i lost- people who left me- grieving my childhood- my old house- myself kinda #omg sorry for being edgy on main #idk i just think about myself sometimes #me. the girl i was #i was so optimistic #if you went back and talked to me at age 8 i would have been smiling and bouncing around and happy #i always loved the spotlight back then #my mom says i was quiet but i remember wanting that attention i wanted people to see me i wanted to be kinda and friendly and fun #i was so hopeful and i was so extroverted #i knew most of the kids in my grade at one point and didnt fear talking to them #Im the opposite now. I dont talk to ppl unless ive known them for a while or unless they approach me #i hate being the center of attention it scares me. I am a pessimist #i dont think younger me would hate me now. I think she would understand. but i think she would be sad that i carried her sorrow with me #and sad that i let it kill the energy i had #Spotify

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thelonelyrainbowguy · 9 months

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Just found out that one of my favorite people from a Discord server I moderate passed away. I have no further detail. I was just thinking about them the other day and wanted to check up on them, and forgot like I always do. I didn't know them in person but they were so kind, understanding, helpful, and caring. I wish I'd known them better and I wish I'd said something when I thought of it, just to brighten one of their last days a little, whether their death was sudden or expected (like I said, no further detail).

Their screen name was LilWanderingPoptart but everyone just called them Poptart. They were multiply disabled and severely chronically ill. They liked to draw and play Minecraft and chat on the server. They were so nonjudgmental and always wanted to help wherever they could.

Rest in peace, Poptart. You're already missed.

#tw death #legit crying rn #i'm so sad #honestly its better to know and be able to grieve than to not know and have someone just. disappear #bc thats happened to me too #i'm so mad at myself for not checking up on them earlier #i know i couldnt have prevented it or anything #but i couldve let them know i cared about them #at least they're not in pain anymore #death of a friend

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bigender-cowboy · 6 months

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We had to write stories and mine was a tad bit gay but not mentioned and WHILE I WAS ABSENT THE WHOLE FUCKING CLASS READ IT

I can’t even make this shit up IN THE TWO DAYS I was absent he printed and put stories out even though NONE OF US HAD THE OPTION TO STAY ANONYMOUS AND IM CRYING???

it was so fruity…and had a Free Birds reference…end me…

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scattered-winter · 1 year

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horrifying self recognition through the other aside this has been an actually not terrible start to The Family Gathering tbh

#my cousin who i havent really seen in a while came up to me and asked abt my pronouns because i came out to the fam a while ago #and he didnt really remember what id said (which. fair. its a big family w lots of things to remember)#and so he asked what my pronouns were and i told him and he promised that if he ever messed up i needed to make him #do like 5 or 10 pushups lmao #and ngl. its the sweetest thing anyone in this family has ever said to me abt that #everyone else has kinda just. moved on. and either forgotten that im not a girl or purposefully ignoring it.#and idk maybe i should stand up for myself a little more but ive been practically a doormat all my life #and idk. its hard using my voice and establishing boundaries when ive let ppl bulldoze over me for almost 20 years.#sigh. anyway.#im gonna be thinking about that all day tbh it was genuinely so sweet #and i am also being consumed by The Loneliness again <3 #just. i want someone to just talk to about all this??? someone who isnt in my family because they all have stakes in it too?????#we're all grieving. i aint special.#i just want to talk to someone about it in person so they can hold my hand while i cry myself to sleep because ngl #thats what it looks like we're doing tonight #im just. tired of feeling alone in this enormous family where it seems like im the only odd man out #and also ykw the Not Having Any Irl Friends loneliness too. thats also pretty significant.#not saying my internet friends arent great i love yall so so so much but it has just been .#a really really long time since ive had a good cry n hug session w someone.#sigh. im tired i need to go to bed #winter speaks #personal

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elenadoeslife · 1 year

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your first love hits different

#another day another vent-in-the-tags post #i came across a picture of me and my fiest boyfriend of five years today. picture must've been 10 years old at this point #found many more pictures of him and us on my dad's old pc #i can just feel my body pull and heart ache when i look at him in the pictures #wondering what my life would've looked like if i hadn't broken things off between us #we tried to stay friends and a couple of months later we went for a drink. when daying goodbye he moved in to kiss me #i was hesitant and stepped away. he couldn't bare having me in his life while not being together so he cut off all contact #don't get me wrong in any of my thoughts- i love babe whole heartedly and he's the only man for me now and in my future #it's just that nagging feeling burried deep. the 'what if's. what if i felt more confident about my body back then?#what if i hadn't moved on so quickly? what if i had let him kiss me?#i tried texting him telling him i was approved for gbp surgery (i broke things off because i was very insecure about my body)#he congratulated me and sincerely wished me all the happiness in the world but also asked me not to contact him again after this #it's been 7-ish years but every now and then i wonder how he's doing and what he's up to #he doesn't really have social media apart from facebook (and that page is private) and i only stayed in touch with his former best friend #but i'm not gonna ask him because i know they haven't spoken in years either #i've had plenty more relationships after him but i rarely ever think about those guys #am i okay? is this normal? lol #i should get my head out of this rabbit hole asap #add: the picture is almost 15 years old lol. my math ain't mathing. we met in 2009. not that it's important #i think i just moved on too quickly and didn't allow myself time & space to grieve. that's why he keeps popping up in my thoughts now & then

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kermits-cup-of-tea · 1 year

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i am burning alive in the memory of you

it was bitterly cold yet my fingers are aflame

plunging my hands into blue fire to touch you

one more time

i am burning, piece by piece

thinking surely the fuel will give way

because it has to,

how do i live with this

this fire is all i have left of you

and all i want is to put it out

#me to my therapist: yes i think im allowing myself to feel and grieve appropriately #also me: writing poetry instead of actually processing his death #i am doing alright im not going to do anything its just hard learning to live with that absence #sai writes #poem #poetry #grief poetry #grief poem #i want to explain this one a little #its about my horse who passed away a little over a month ago #it had been warm that week then it suddenly cold snapped #and he colicked #i went out and it was so cold #my hands were so numb and i had scissors because the one thing i could not do was let him go with his tail #he had already passed #and it was snowing heavily #i just dug my hands through the snow looking for his tail and my hands were completely numb #i found it and cut what hair i could #and then i let myself go to his head and he had snow in his eye and ear #and i brushed out what i could #after that the rest of the night is a blur but i remember the cold

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