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sepublic · 4 years

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With what Dana revealed about the Blight parents and they arent what they appear to be in either a good or bad way, do you think she's going to reveal that they arent abusive? Because honestly with the whol thing with Willow and Amity's hair, the fact she never felt close to a parent, that she didnt have a place to go and that she still called a teacher Mom are all red flags. Maybe it will be that not both of them are horrible, maybe Mr Blight is also a victim?

(TL;DR at the bottom)

Let me get this clear; Abuse is abuse, intentional or otherwise. That it doesn’t matter if you didn’t realize how much you were hurting your loved one (like Emira and Edric), or if you were doing it ‘for their own good’ (Like Camila and Lilith). Emotional abuse is REAL and nothing can justify that, and after seeing the very elitist, almost disgusted way Mrs. Blight regarded Willow? How she’s so quick to blackmail her own daughter and someone else’s kid, and treats it like it’s all fine, implies to Amity that if she’s upset about the situation then she’s just being a silly little kid?!

This lady is AWFUL, there’s no room for interpretation. Whyshe’s awful and in what specific ways is interesting… But she’s awful regardless. I’m pretty sure Dana was alluding to the Blight Parents having more nuance than anticipated while still being terrible people, just as Lilith had her reasons for cursing Eda but was still a bad person for never telling the truth, supporting the Emperor’s Coven, mistreating Luz, etc.

In general, if I had to pull together my current read on the Blight Parents, and combine it with my own personal speculation and ideas…

Mr. Blight seems like the kind of person who’s at least… straightforward and honest about his abuse. Like he doesn’t bother with the pointless, ‘sweet’ façade, acting like he’s oh-so kind and caring, that this doesn’t REALLY matter… He seems rather blunt with his feelings. Like he doesn’t try to undermine your feelings by gaslighting you into thinking they don’t matter, mostly he’s just saying, “They don’t matter to me.” Which is still, like, AWFUL, but…

Then we have Mrs. Blight, who seems to be actively smiling at Eda’s misery in the flashback; That or she’s smiling at Lilith, but regardless. She comes across as a lot more willfully sadistic, and more intentional of a gaslighter; Someone who makes you doubt yourself by getting into your head, making you question yourself and if you’re right… Really playing it up like she DOES know best, that you’re just a silly little kid, you’ll learn and grow up eventually… It’s so dismissive and condescending.

Like, Mrs. Blight is the kind of person who when called out bats her eyes and is oh-so innocently like, “Oh, me?” As if she never did anything wrong, that at worstit was some mistake or misunderstanding… That you can still LOVE her, because she totally still loves you and always did! And then you start wondering if you were too harsh with your accusations, if you’re assuming too badly of her, that maybe Mrs. Blight didn’t ACTUALLY mean it, maybe you’re just going too far…!

…Like let’s be real. They’re BOTH terrible. But something about Mrs. Blight rubs me the wrong way… And it’s even MORE aggravating considering how much she looks like Amity and Emira. I suspect that it’s her way of sugar-coating her abuse, dressing it up in a little bow, that REALLY contributed to the Blight Kids internalizing a lot of toxicity without even realizing it, and thus transmitting it to one another and outsiders as a result, under the impression that they’re not actuallybeing that bad, right? That if they other doubt their harshness, Mrs. Blight’s abuse undermines that doubt by reassuring the kids that they’re totally in the right and that at worst they’re just misunderstanding things!

In Lilith’s childhood flashback, Mr. Blight doesn’t really seem to be reacting much.

He seems mostly apathetic, aloof, and chill about the whole thing… Meanwhile, you have Mrs. Blight who very clearly has a much more willfully malicious smile to her about the situation! Though it’s hard to say what him and his wife were reacting to specifically in that moment, as they can be seen glancing at Lilith, who has just been inducted into the Emperor’s Coven…

But their expressions could also be hold-overs from their reactions to Eda, who they likely looked down upon for being a troublemaker and defying the Emperor’s Coven in that moment, getting cursed. Knowing Mrs. Blight in particular, she was probably smugly vindicated by the moment; Like this commoner dared to spit on the very values and ideals that nobles like her held themselves up to, and was karmically punished by the Isles for this! Meanwhile she’s looking down proudly upon Lilith for actually ‘knowing her place’, for ‘learning to be one of them’, for ascending past her lowly peers and whatnot… You get the idea.

Given the way Mrs. Blight was smiling at Lilith in that flashback, I have to wonder if in general she approved of Lilith was one of those few ‘humble beginners’ who became acceptable for the Blights to hang around, which coupled with her status as Belos’ head enforcer, led to Amity being her apprentice…

Though I have to wonder how Mrs. Blight reacted to the Covention Incident and what Amity had to say, especially since she knows firsthand that Lilith and Eda –sort of- had their feuds in the past? I wouldn’t be shocked if she believed Amity about Lilith resorting to the Power Glyph, but still punished her daughter anyway because she’s an abuser…

So, when you combine this with what we’ve heard from Dana herself, about the Blight Parents appearing in multiple ways that could be ‘good or bad’ for our protagonists, and Mr. Blight being an interesting person to write for…

…I think it’s likely that Mrs. Blight was born into the family. She’s the one who has power, given how she dictates that Amity have green hair like her… She definitely has the more elitist look to her in childhood, and her VA was specifically mentioned as a guest-star and everything!

(Getting into some baseless speculation, we know the Abomination Head can’t be the Blight Parents as they were appointed when the Coven System began, when clearly the Blight Parents were kids in its earliest years… Dumb idea, but the Abomination Head’s hair is tied back in a bun, like Mrs. Blight…?)

So in all likelihood, Mrs. Blight is probably the one who wields the power in the family, and I have to wonder what her husband thought of it when she prioritized making Amity look like her, in the process removing the main visual connection his daughter had with him! Did he have any doubts, did Mrs. Blight have to reassure her husband that it was all in good-nature, that surely he understood as an outsider? Or…

In Amity’s flashback, Mr. Blight specifically states that Blights only associate with the strongest of witchlings. If he did marry in as a technical outsider, this would obviously be a very conceited thing for him to say, that he considers himself worthy and strong enough to have joined the family… But after seeing his generally aloof expression, slightly unruly hair, and what Dana said? Amidst my observations of Mrs. Blight having the power, and Mr. Blight seeing more like an enforcer what his wife has to say?

…I have to wonder if Mr. Blight was like, perhaps. The FIRST person that his wife abused and began to take control of. Like, Mrs. Blight WAS interested in him as children because Mr. Blight was genuinely charming and also pretty strong… But somewhere along the way, she used her greater social status to be in charge of him. Maybe Mrs. Blight began dictating how her significant other acted and behaved, to make sure he was ‘worthy’ enough to be a member of the Blight household. And while some of this could’ve been motivated partially by a genuine desire to see him fit in with her, as well as her own conditioning…

…It’s still kind of an awful way to treat your beloved. Maybe Mrs. Blight intentionally abused and gaslit or him, or maybe Mr. Blight was always used to being in a position taking orders from her, out of a genuine sense of loyalty and love… And one way or the other, that twisted into him only caring what she had to say. That to him, his self-worth hinged entirely on whether or not he matched the Blight standard, if his beloved wife would approve…

Perhaps Mr. Blight was someone who was also indoctrinated into the Blight family, not allowed to become one of them until he changed who he was? Like his relationship with his wife as kids was similar to Boscha and her friends, just sort of a follower who got roped in… But with a dash of genuine love and you’ve got him unquestioningly carrying out her orders, helping Mrs. Blight abuse their children together because can’t you see your beloved mother knows best???

Maybe he has experience with what they’ve gone through, albeit from a more sympathetic angle from Mrs. Blight… And regardless, to Mr. Blight, he’s someone who survived the abuse and came out better, stronger for it! He knows it’s a good thing and pays off in the end, those children of theirs just need to understand…!

Because it’s worth noting that he has brown hair. So to Mr. Blight, his wife may be the world to him in a rather toxic sense… That HER lineage matters more, that SHE graced him and his ‘humbler’ backgrounds… I have to wonder if Mr. Blight purposefully cut off ties with the rest of his family to be with his wife, either because his wife specifically demanded it or simply as a side-effect of absorbing her elitist, classist attitudes over time.

…Like, what if Mr. Blight dyed his hair green, too?! To match with his wife… Like he’s the one always making concessions for her because SHE is the noble Blight, and he doesn’t even realize or consider how toxic it all is; Because to Mr. Blight, he takes a personal pride in serving his wife, because there really IS a genuine love there… But that real love is unknowingly hindered by Mrs. Blight needing to enforce some elitist hierarchy within the family. To Mr. Blight, he’s just repeating his wife’s mantra, he sees himself as serving his rightful place in the world, no doubt thanks to Belos and his Coven System encouraging such a viewpoint…

And, like. There’s still some genuine, legitimate trust between these two. I wouldn’t be at all shocked if Mrs. Blight had indoctrinated her husband without either of them realizing this, because they were both kids and this is how she’d always lived! But alas, it’s worrying… That too much of his self-worth is directed towards his wife and neither of them consider this, that Mr. Blight would gladly lay down his life for her because she showed him kindness… But he’s still dependent upon her, and conditioned to be so like many others with the Emperor’s Coven!

I also have to wonder if Mrs. Blight will be an extreme version of Lilith; Someone who legit thinks she knows best and casually gaslights others into doubting their objections without even thinking about it, without even self-reflecting upon it… Like a part of her is willfully ignorant of the harm she’s causing, or she’s taught herself to be outright dismissive of it in the end; Because surely she knows best, right? Perhaps she’s someone who casually steamrolls over what others have to say because while there’s some genuine love and interests she’s also very elitist and patronizing, and was taught that she’s the one who should be in charge.

Then there’s my speculation, half-joking, on the idea of Luz being wholly accepted into the Blight Family, because look at this clever human who managed to wound Emperor Belos! Clearly she’s VERY powerful… Not to mention, Luz is very friend-shaped! So we could have Mrs. Blight trying to assimilate Luz into the family, dye her hair green, make Luz hang out with her kids more and more…

And Mr. Blight is just watching it all, and when Luz expresses doubts he pulls her to the side, explains that he understands and empathizes… But then he tells her to keep going with it, because who wouldn’t want to be where he is now? That obviously it’s worth it in the end to be with your beloved Blight… Not for social status or anything, but simply to serve a higher cause, and someone you love.

So this could be a very ‘twisted’ form of acceptance, kind of like how Lilith initially loved Eda but more the idea of her up until the season finale… Of the Blight Parents wanting Luz, but wanting a specific version of her that’s fully integrated into the family! I can see them using their influence to cut off Luz’s ties with her other friends and family, to make her more entrenched and dependent upon the Blight household…

And naturally, Eda and Lilith and the rest, have a lot to say! Amity definitely has reservations, she wanted to keep Luz from her parents for this and other reasons… While Emira and Edric possibly take it in stride, because they don’t quite realize what’s going on, or they’re just too thrilled at having Luz be accepted to consider the implications of what’s happening! Maybe they think it’s okay because they can teach Luz how to still be her own person, or they’re just glad to have her and don’t think much of it, because while those two certainly try, they’re not always self-aware of the toxicity their parents passed on.

Either way, Luz is inevitably going to have to make a stand and insist on still maintaining her own connections and who she is, Amity will stand up for her… And things will get messy, because I REALLY do not want to see the Blight Parents be angry! Maybe the Twins stick up for Luz and Amity or just stay to the side, because they didn’t really see the issue beforehand? Either they’re neutral and/or they take Amity’s side, there’s no story where they side with their parents!

And, there’s the possibility that. The Blight Parents just REJECT Luz, immediately! And we’ve already seen plenty of speculation on how THAT will go… Such as the idea of them sabotaging Luz’s enrollment at Hexside, even if Belos himself doesn’t care about persecuting her as of the moment.

TL;DR Mr. Blight was an outsider and got fully-indoctrinated into the Blight family mentality and dutifully serves his wife. While he’s still a victim of toxicity, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s now complicit in it as well, something the show addresses with characters like Lilith or Amity. Mrs. Blight is elitist and definitely more of the ‘mastermind’ who has the final say in things, but whether or not she’s actively, intentionally spiteful or is just devoid of self-awareness (or both), I can’t say!

#the owl house #owl house #blight parents #the owl house amity #amity blight #the owl house edric #edric blight #the owl house emira #emira blight #speculation #theory #ask

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somnilogical · 4 years

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modular "ethics":

a wrong and two rights make a right

<<I've been known to cause outrage by suggesting that people who really care about something shouldn't have romantic relationships. Think what would happen if I dared to suggest that those people should also seriously consider getting castrated. That would be crazy! And who am I to suggest that basically everyone claiming to be doing good is faking it? Then people would feel bad about themselves. We can't have that!>>

https://squirrelinhell.blogspot.com/2018/02/men-have-women-are.html

previously i talked about an infohazard about altruism that seemed to fuck with grognor. it feels useful to pass by the dead and look at their lives and choices.

i dont think that castrating yourself is a good intervention for doing stuff you care about, like this is patchwork constraints for an unaligned optimizer. if you arent altruistically aligned from core values, castrating yourself wont make you more aligned.

the "altruists" having babies thing is actual insane and pasek is right about that. pretty much all of society will try and gaslight you about this the way sometimes people are gaslit about "i need to have sex with lots of attractive fems to keep up my moral so i can do super good stuff afterwards.". like if people want to do good for the world it will flow out as a continuous expression of value not some brent dill kind of deal that institutions like CFAR accepted until there was too much social pressure for them to maintain this facade.

the entire premise that morality is this modular thing and you can help set the utility function of an FAI while being a terrible person, is wrong. yet organizations like CFAR keep thinking it will work out for them:

<<We believe that Brent is fundamentally oriented towards helping people grow to be the best versions of themselves. In this way he is aligned with CFAR’s goals and strategy and should be seen as an ally.

In particular, Brent is quite good at breaking out of standard social frames and making use of unconventional techniques and strategies. This includes things that have Chesterton’s fences attached, such as drug use, weird storytelling, etc. A lot of his aesthetic is dark, and this sometimes makes him come across as evil or machiavellian.

Brent also embodies a rare kind of agency and sense of heroic responsibility. This has caused him to take the lead in certain events and be an important community hub and driver. The flip side of this is that because Brent is deeply insecure, he has to constantly fight urges to seize power and protect himself. It often takes costly signalling for him to trust that someone is an ally, and even then it’s shaky.

Brent is a controversial figure, and disliked by many. This has led to him being attacked by many and held to a higher standard than most. In these ways his feelings of insecurity are justified. He also has had a hard life, including a traumatic childhood. Much of the reason people don’t like him comes from a kind of intuition or aesthetic feeling, rather than his actions per se.

Brent’s attraction to women (in the opinion of the council) sometimes interferes with his good judgement. Brent knows that his judgement is sometimes flawed, and has often sought the help of others to check his actions. Whether or not this kind of social binding is successful is not obvious.>>

https://pastebin.com/fzwYfDNq

<<AnnaSalamon 2/6/09, 5:54 AM

Aleksei, I don’t know what you think about the current existential risks situation, but that situation changed me in the direction of your comment. I used to think that to have a good impact on the world, you had to be an intrinsically good person. I used to think that the day to day manner in which I treated the people around me, the details of my motives and self-knowledge, etc. just naturally served as an indicator for the positive impact I did or didn’t have on global goodness.

(It was a dumb thing to think, maintained by an elaborate network of rationalizations that I thought of as virtuous, much the way many people think of their political “beliefs”/clothes as virtuous. My beliefs were also maintained by not bothering to take an actually careful look either at global catastrophic risks or even at the details of e.g. global poverty. But my impression is that it’s fairly common to just suppose that our intuitive moral self-evaluations (or others’ evaluations of how good of people we are) map tolerably well onto actual good consequences.)

Anyhow: now, it looks to me as though most of those “good people”, living intrinsically worthwhile lives, aren’t contributing squat to global goodness compared to what they could contribute if they spent even a small fraction of their time/money on a serious attempt to shut up and multiply. The network of moral intuitions I grew up in is… not exactly worthless; it does help with intrinsically worthwhile lives, and, more to the point, with the details of how to actually build the kinds of reasonable human relationships that you need for parts of the “shut up and multiply”-motivated efforts to work… but, for most people, it’s basically not very connected to how much good they do or don’t do in the world. If you like, this is good news: for a ridiculously small sum of effort (e.g., a $500 donation to SIAI; the earning power of seven ten-thousandths of your life if you earn the US minimum wage), you can do more expected-good than perhaps 99.9% of Earth’s population. (You may be able to do still more expected-good by taking that time and thinking carefully about what most impacts global goodness and whether anyone’s doing it.)>>

https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/4pov2tL6SEC23wrkq/epilogue-atonement-8-8

like opposing this isnt self-denying moral aestheticism or a signalling game of how good you can look (credibly signalling virtue is actually a good thing, i wish more people did it by for instance demonstrating how they win in a way that wouldnt work if they werent aligned. whose power seeded from their alignment.). its like... the alternative where people do things that it makes no sense for an altruist to do and then say that when they go to their day jobs they are super duper altruistic they swear; compartmentalizing in this way ...doesnt actually work.

people who want to obscure what altruism looks like will claim that this is moving around a social schelling point for who is to be ostracized. and that altruism as a characteristic of a brain isnt a cluster-in-reality that you can talk about. because it will be coopted by malicious actors as a laser to unjustly zap people with. these people are wrong.

both EA and CFAR are premised on some sort of CDT modular morality working. it is actually pretending to do CDT optimization because like with brent at each timestep they are pretending to think "how can we optimize utility moving forward?" (really i suspect they are just straight up mindcontrolled by brent, finding ways to serve their master because they used force and the people at CFAR were bad at decision theory) instead of seeking to be agents such that brent when brents plans to predate on people ran through them, he would model it as more trouble than it was worth and wouldnt do this in the first place.

CFAR and EA will do things like allowing someone to predate on women because they are "insightful" or creating a social reality where people with genetic biases who personally devote massive amounts of time and money to babies who happen to be genetically related to them and then in their day job act "altruistically". as long as it all adds up to net positive, its okay right?

but thats not how it works and structures built off of this are utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life. in just the same way that "scientists" who when they arent at their day jobs are theists are an utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life.

<<Maybe we can beat the proverb—be rational in our personal lives, not just our professional lives. We shouldn’t let a mere proverb stop us: “A witty saying proves nothing,” as Voltaire said. Maybe we can do better, if we study enough probability theory to know why the rules work, and enough experimental psychology to see how they apply in real-world cases—if we can learn to look at the water. An ambition like that lacks the comfortable modesty of being able to confess that, outside your specialty, you’re no better than anyone else. But if our theories of rationality don’t generalize to everyday life, we’re doing something wrong. It’s not a different universe inside and outside the laboratory.>>

to save the world it doesnt help to castrate yourself and make extra super sure not to have babies. people's values are already what they are, their choices have already been made. these sort of ad-hoc patches are what wrangling an unaligned agent looks like. and the output of an unaligned agent with a bunch of patches, isnt worth much. would you delegate important tasks to an unaligned AI that was patched up after each time it gave a bad output?

it does mean that if after they know about the world and what they can do, people still say that they specifically should have babies, i mark them as having a kind of damage and route around them.

someone not having babies doesnt automatically mark them as someone id pour optimization energy into expecting it to combine towards good ends. the metrics i use are cryptographically secure from being goodharted. so i can talk openly about traits i use to discern between people without worrying about people reading about this and using it to gum up my epistemics.

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nomadicism · 6 years

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Idk if other people had an issue with it but what do you think about how vld handles death and loss? Bc like ... those that died were either Blades (bc why keep non-villain galra in the show for too long?) or they died in flashbacks to fuel backstories. Both Shiro and Lance were brought back. Like. Alluras powers are just that convenient arent they. Enough so that no one from the main cast has to die and the heroes dont have to deal with consequences..or sth (1/2)

Hi thanks for the Ask!

I’ll add your (2/2):

“Also the Alteans. They brought them back (for more drama-fodder or maybe theyll actually do sth unlike other side characters). I feel like it was a bit of a cop-out bc now Allura gets a new home to maybe rule over. Which is nice and good for her but it just feels so strange. Like “dont worry bc they didnt all die everything is fine again” I feel like having an arc showing us how Allura deals with the loss of her culture and her getting gradually better would have been more interesting (2/2)”

Answering in reverse: the Alteans were always going to show up because Pollux, Romelle, and Bandor were crucial parts of the DotU story. It was always a matter of when, how, and what role they would play.

It’s not clear yet that Allura is going to be benefiting from these Alteans. Like I touched on in my post about the Double Standard Setting, if the setting applies logic evenly, then it shouldn’t be an easy arrival at The Colony for Allura and Voltron. So far, the setting hasn’t applied consequences evenly and glosses over big things whose implications would otherwise be addressed in other shows of a similar genre.

There might be something where Allura and Romelle are getting to know one another and Romelle may say or do something very strange that puts Allura back into the problem of being the last of her specific kind, as it’s been 10k years and changes to Altean culture may have occurred. So she may yet deal with that loss in some way. There is also the chance that Honerva will swoop in and take the Alteans away.

As for how VLD handles death and loss…I’m on the fence about it because there are instances where characters are shown to mourn death and experience loss. But yes, it’s nearly always the non-human looking aliens that are dying (excluding the few who die in a backstory), and that has implications that I dislike. Also, that scene near the end of S6 with everyone standing around Kuron’s body was…in poor taste. I’m not going to dwell on that, but…ew.

Back to Allura’s healing:

Allura gaining healing powers (either to heal from death or only near-death) is consistent with the concept of being a “life-giver” so I don’t have any particular problem with that. It is convenient, but as it is consistent with what we’re supposed to infer about Oriande and the life-givers, it could serve some interesting plots or situations. (whether or not the writers take the powers further is anyone’s guess)

It’s going to be a problem if Allura’s healing powers turn into a continuous “get out of death free” card with no cost to Allura herself, as we saw when healing the Balmera made her very weak for awhile afterwards. That was a good thing! No cost healing powers would make the power a way to artificially inflate the drama of action related to Voltron without actual believable risk to the protagonists.

In terms of foreshadowing future use of life-giving powers: I suspect that the Alteans which were shown in the quintessence harvesting pods may not be dead, and may only need to have their quintessence restored. Hypothetically, this restoration could have happened had Lotor been able to access the Quintessence Field.

If the Alteans need their quintessence restored, then that means Allura will be the one to restore them as she did with the Balmera. But what will it cost her?

#voltron #allura #alteans #voltron speculation #voltron: legendary defender #anonymous #ask me anything #voltron critical #kind of not really

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flower-boy-roxanne · 4 years

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hey!

im dirk! this is my personal intro post & it includes triggers specific to me, so PLEASE PLEASE tag your own posts with cws for my content triggs if you follow me!!! with that in mind, read the entire thing, please <3

( system dni & info located on our art blog )

about

full name is dirk roxanne strider, as a quick explanation for my url :3

i use she/they pronouns and identify as demimale! my headspace body is intersex

ABSOLUTELY NO REFERRING TO ME BY HE/HIM I WILL SCREAM

i age-slide! about 15-25

i also age-regress, typically as a response to stress and/or trauma but it can also be a result of excess affection, babying/patronizing me (which i actually dont mind much but if you do it just to make me regress we’re gonna have a problem bud), etc.

i go by dirkie when im age-regressed!! if you see me posting during those times please refer to me by that name and try to be extra nice. if i was stress-/trauma-triggered into regression i may be very emotionally sensitive. i prefer to be talked to like a little kid/baby too and i may talk very childishly (unnecessary word pluralizing, wrong verb tenses, w’s in place of l’s and r’s, easily excited, etc.)

i pet-regress into a cat mindset due to a very particular situation in the past. i will absolutely not discuss it here and im not afraid to get an aggressive/violent protector up to roast your ass if you repeatedly pester me about it. like seriously dude you dont actually wanna know anyways

NEITHER OF THESE ARE S-XUAL THINGS FOR THE LOVE OF G O D . we dont support “““s-xual””” agere because that isnt and shouldnt be a thing its fucking disgusting please let me regress without ppl thinking its s-x roleplay in peace—ITS NOT I AM IN THE LITERAL FUCKING MINDSET OF A LITERAL FUCKING CHILD. thank you <3

i have severe exotrauma. all my posts discussing it will be tagged #dirk talks trauma, feel free to block it. i also try to appropriately cw/tw tag them (i use the term tw only but its just because including both drains my spoons)

that said, dont! ask me! about! my trauma! directly! I WILL TALK ABOUT IT WHEN I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!

not only is our body autistic but i was autistic in my canon!! just a fun fact :3

i try to avoid using :) emoticons and prefer :D, :3, and the like. idk ive just had a fair share of experiences where its used in a (jokingly, usually!!) creepy/threatening context so it doesnt read well to me

please dont dm me without asking!!! ive got some of the worst anxiety & paranoia in this system, plus ive got a small bit of trauma relating to unsolicited dms

asks are always okay though :3!! so long as youre not bein a dickhead ya know? anon is off tho for comfort n trauma reasons, sorry about that

(if you want me to answer your ask privately just tell me!! i might accidentally be a fuckin idiot n post it publicly tho, just a fair warning)

i somewhat suspect myself of ocd, but i havent had the spoons to do enough research for confirmation

I AM VERY BAD AT READING TONE. please tag things /j, /lh, /s, etc. so i know you arent genuinely trying to be a dick to me

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the word “selfcest”

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discussion about breakups and/or exes in terms of a romantic/s-xual relationship (tags: #breakup, #breakup mention, #exes, #exes mention)

treating me like an object or subhuman, joking or not. just dont

using particularly harsh insults for me even as a joke—ie dumbfuck, wh-re, shitbag. im ok w being called a dumbass n bitch n stuff but only in a joking context!! if you want to know any other boundaries on that just shoot me an ask my dude. also dont call me slurs :(

the idea that fiction doesnt affect reality (points at myself then at my str-d-rc-st exotrauma. bitch)

i know its legit a part of my url but PLEASE dont call me roxanne unless we’re close!! it makes me uncomfy when strangers/acquaintances use my mid name for me :(

implying or stating that im guilttripping. my spirals, emotional outbursts, etc are almost always trauma responses. saying im guilttripping in itself when im actually in severe emotional distress is a trigger to my trauma with our exes. i have very little power over my spirals and often struggle in dealing with situations that are newer to me, emotionally and otherwise. i am not guilttripping, im acting on a trauma response.

if you put words into my mouth or twist what i say i guarantee you furorem will judoflip you. we have trauma with being lied about and intentionally misinterpreted too, thanks.

(may be added to)

thanks for reading!! have a fuckin fantastic day, yall

#intro post #pinned post #info #blacklist #trigger list #about #important #?? fuckin TAGS my GOD

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smoltododorki · 7 years

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so ive been thinking abt a bnha vampire au for a while now and i really wanna talk abt it so here it is? its basically what if there were vampires in the bnha universe. vampires are a lot like what youd think they be like- they drink blood, sunlight can hurt them and water can do the same. garlic and religious symbols dont do a damn tho. aside from maybe annoying them bc did you just do that? and they can break into houses all they want.

of course with the advents of quirks its way easier now for a vampire to hide in plain sight since many of their traits can be explained away as the result of a quirk. many pro heroes have the side of being a vampire hunter (endeavor is the no 1 vampire hunter in japan but not the no 1 worldwide. another thing that pisses him off). which basically involves private investigation to see if the suspect is truly a vampire, if it checks out then the actual hunt begins

hunting vampires is /dangerous/. theyre hard to kill and can be very strong and wont hesitate to use innocents as hostages. bc of this and all the other terrors vampires can bring, people with quirks that are deemed vampire-like (like say a quirk that requires the ingestion of blood like stain or toga) are viewed with a lot of fear in society.

now you may be wondering “wheres tododeku gonna come into play?” im just doing a basic set up of the world. izuku midoriya is a dhampir; a human whos half vampire. oh its not bc of his parentage, mind you. hisashi and inko midoriya are both pure blood humans. no, its bc of one for all. all for one and his brother were two boys turned into vampires by a vampire who thought people with quirks were interesting and wanted some as “pets”

much of the backstory plays out the same, afo still forces a quirk onto his brother which creates ofa and the younger brother declares he and his proteges shall fight against him. the transfer of ofa requires ingestion of dna, thus anyone who gains it via blood shall become a vampire too. however the younger brother learned that if its something like a hair than the successor just becomes a dhampir, thus he taught his student to only use a hair for it

fast forward to midoriya who now not only has to learn how to use ofa but also deal with and hide his newfound vampiric powers. this makes lessons where they talk abt vampire hunting hard since theyre being taught how to spot stuff like that. he spends every day wondering if someone will found out and confront him on it.

meanwhile todoroki sits thru these lessons in boredom and irritation. endeavor wants him to be no 1 in everything. the no 1 pro hero and the no 1 vampire hunter worldwide. these lessons just reiterate everything endeavor (sometimes literally) knocked into his head and he feels like theyre a waste of his time. not to mention how one of his classmates seem to be fidgeting suspiciously during these things

when he notices how midoriya acts during these things he starts paying attention to how he acts in general. how he stays in the shadows whenever outside, how once when someone accidentally cut themselves during training he looked at the blood with an odd glint in his eyes. it doesnt take long for him to connect all of these and realized that /theres a possible vampire in his class/

what happens next is an increasingly intense series of todoroki glaring at midoriya who /notices/ this and wonders if he figured out hes a dhampir. the rest of the class also notices and one half is just “dude, do you like, hate him or something?” and the other is “do you like midoriya?” (they noticed the vampiric traits too but a possibility is less of a concern compared to whats happening right now)

this all comes to a head during the sports festival where when todoroki pulls midoriya aside what he asks isnt “are you all mights illegitimate love child” but rather “youre a vampire arent you?” and oh theres so much stuttering, so much tripping over words that doesnt help todorokis suspicions that the only thing that saves him is that theyre gonna be late for the match if it keeps up

ohmanohman a vampire au i forgot how much i like those ((if they’re written well, ofc)) and this is a v realistic approach, especially for the bnha verse!!

if izuku is a dhampir, all might should have been one, yes? it would be a horrific revelation for the world to find out their number one hero is also part of the race they should hate, so ofa’s properties would definitely be a must for izuku to keep a secret. all might would definitely ensure that izuku knows the gravity of this secret, so it would be unlikely for izuku to tell bakugou about his newfound powers–it would be better for bakugou to just think izuku was lying about his quirk the entire time.

i can imagine shouto would be more or less accepting of izuku’s state later on? it’s a bit hard at first because society (and especially endeavor) have engraved in his head that vampires are bad and should all die, but it’s hard to hate izuku.

would drinking the blood of humans enhance izuku’s ofa in any way? like in a dire situation–like, say, with stain–izuku does NOT want to risk iida and shouto’s lives, so shouto tells izuku to drink his blood to help amp his abilities so they would have a better chance to defend themselves against stain. he ends up revealing his nature to iida in the process, but it’s better than having them all dead.

#tododeku #vampire au #yes gud

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jerikacolleen87-blog · 6 years

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A child with a wondering mind

a bad kid...a problem child... a handful....all tags people that dont know how to use their minds in different situations and dont know how to address the issues. i am a mother of 3 kiddos, and 2 out of 3 have adhd, 1 out of 3 has seizures, and the other has a suspected ausbergers deases . my youngest boy that has ADHD is “tagged” as a bad kid in school and no matter what he does or doesnt do, its always frowned upon, when he does good its always over looked. for example of treatment : i got a call from the school as usual, they told me my son has been sent to the office for bad behavior and being defiant against the teacher, i said alright let me talk to him. so i did, i asked what happened, and he told me, that he was doing his math, and math time was over and it was now reading time (which my son struggles with) and instead of starting to read, he continued his math to finish it. yes i agree , he should of switched to reading, but that should have been a cry for help for his teacher, obviously he struggles with reading, and feels inconcomitant since hes not at the same reading level as the rest of the class, which ones he is pin pointed and scolded he acts out. instead of taking the time to pull him to the side quietly and confidently to ask about the situation he was just told to go to the office and she didn't have time for this behavior. things like this discourages kiddos like my son. they need that 1 up on other people, because they realize the struggle they have some times especially when they get older, ever since they “tagged” him as a bad kid, i get calls almost everyday for the bad things he does, but never the good things he does, never the improvements he has, or goals he meets, its always sent home with a crumpled piece of paper because my son wont read it and thinks its a bad note from the teacher.. thats just ridiculous, you spend all that money for college to be a teacher and you get one kid with adhd and struggles in some subjects, but your trained eye cant see this? your years of schooling never taught you how to handle kids like this? i made a surprise visit to my sons classroom and come to find out his desk is pushed in the corner completely by him self. what bout group times? or buddy times? my son has to do this on his own?? you wonder why kids like my son hates school. they arent bad kids, they arent “problem children” they dont need isolation, yes they may require more attention, and support then other kids, but if you cant see this as a teacher then you are in the wrong profession. i love my son and do everything in my power to stand up for him. his behavior changes once he is home, because he can be himself, can he get out of control. yep he sure does, does he get emotional, yep he sure does. but that kid has a big heart and a good soul. hes very very smart. this kid of mine is 10 and builds bikes and skateboards from scratch and ends up with a completely functioning bike and or skateboard. i cant even do that and im 31. the tings i see him do and build when his little mind is spinning is just a wonderful thing to watch. he and other kids like him arent bad kids. raised right and given extra love and attention, they will be just fine. its the lazy people in their lives that dont care to open their eyes and put their hands in the mud with the kids. its a sad world today my friends. it truly is

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You

Danielle Drislane

Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions.

Here are the 20 diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.

1. Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: That didnt happen, You imagined it, and Are you crazy? Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath gaslights you, you may be prone to gaslighting yourself as a way to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that might arise. Two conflicting beliefs battle it out: is this person right or can I trust what I experienced? A manipulative person will convince you that the former is an inevitable truth while the latter is a sign of dysfunction on your end.

In order to resist gaslighting, its important to ground yourself in your own reality sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gaslighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.

2. Projection.

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of ones negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband clingy in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.

Narcissistic abusers love to play the blameshifting game. Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you or the world at large is blamed for everything thats wrong with . This way, you get to babysit their fragile ego while youre thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right?

Solution? Dont project your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and dont own any of the toxic persons projections either. As manipulation expert and author Dr. George Simon (2010) notes in his book , projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of being met with further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. Its important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity. You dont have to live in someone elses cesspool of dysfunction.

3. Nonsensical conversations from hell.

If you think youre going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, are the problem if you happen to exist.

Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and youll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.

Remember: toxic people dont argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Dont feed the narcissists supply rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead.

4. Blanket statements and generalizations.

Malignant narcissists arent always intellectual masterminds many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that dont acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives youve paid homage to. Better yet, why not put a label on you that dismisses your perspective altogether?

On a larger scale, generalizations and blanket statements invalidate experiences that dont fit in the unsupported assumptions, schemas and stereotypes of society; they are also used to maintain the status quo. This form of digression exaggerates one perspective to the point where a social justice issue can become completely obscured. For example, rape accusations against well-liked figures are often met with the reminder that there are false reports of rape that occur. While those do occur, they are rare, and in this case, the actions of one become labeled the behavior of the majority while the specific report itself remains unaddressed.

These everyday microaggressions also happen in toxic relationships. If you bring up to a narcissistic abuser that their behavior is unacceptable for example, they will often make blanket generalizations about your hypersensitivity or make a generalization such as, You are satisfied, or Youre too sensitive rather than addressing the real issues at hand. Its possible that you are oversensitive at times, but it is also possible that the abuser is also insensitive and cruel the majority of the time.

Hold onto your truth and resist generalizing statements by realizing that they are in fact forms of black and white illogical thinking. Toxic people wielding blanket statements do not represent the full richness of experience they represent the limited one of their singular experience and overinflated sense of self.

5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.

In the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath, your differing opinions, legitimate emotions and lived experiences get translated into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists weave tall tales to reframe what youre actually saying as a way to make your opinions look absurd or heinous. Lets say you bring up the fact that youre unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, Oh, so now perfect? or So I am a bad person, huh? when youve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.

This is also a popular form of diversion and cognitive distortion that is known as mind reading. Toxic people often presume they know what youre thinking and feeling. They chronically jump to conclusions based on their own triggers rather than stepping back to evaluate the situation mindfully. They act accordingly based on their own delusions and fallacies and make no apologies for the harm they cause as a result. Notorious for putting words in your mouth, they depict you as having an intention or outlandish viewpoint you didnt possess. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic even before youve gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.

Simply stating, I never said that, and walking away should the person continue to accuse you of doing or saying something you didnt can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. So long as the toxic person can blameshift and digress from their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be shamed for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.

6. Nitpicking and moving the goal posts.

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don’t want to help you improve, they just want to nitpick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as moving the goalposts in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after youve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will then start to pick on why you arent a multi-millionaire yet. Did you already fulfill their need to be excessively catered to? Now its time to prove that you can also remain independent. The goal posts will perpetually change and may not even be related to each other; they dont have any other point besides making you vie for the narcissists approval and validation.

By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instill in you a pervasive sense of unworthiness and of never feeling quite enough. By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyperfocus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs youre going to have to meet until eventually youve bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need only to realize it didnt change the horrific way they treated you.

Dont get sucked into nitpicking and changing goal posts if someone chooses to rehash an irrelevant point over and over again to the point where they arent acknowledging the work youve done to validate your point or satisfy them, their motive isnt to better understand. Its to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself. Validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you dont have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.

7. Changing the subject to evade accountability.

This type of tactic is what I like to call the What about me? syndrome. It is a literal digression from the actual topic that works to redirect attention to a different issue altogether. Narcissists dont want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute discussions to benefit them. Complaining about their neglectful parenting? Theyll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like What about the time when

On a macrolevel, these diversions work to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A discussion about gay rights, for example, may be derailed quickly by someone who brings in another social justice issue just to distract people from the main argument.

As Tara Moss, author of , notes, specificity is needed in order to resolve and address issues appropriately that doesnt mean that the issues that are being brought up dont matter, it just means that the specific time and place may not be the best context to discuss them.

Dont be derailed if someone pulls a switcheroo on you, you can exercise what I call the broken record method and continue stating the facts without giving in to their distractions. Redirect their redirection by saying, Thats not what I am talking about. Lets stay focused on the real issue. If theyre not interested, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive – like not having a debate with someone who has the mental age of a toddler.

8. Covert and overt threats.

Narcissistic abusers and otherwise toxic people feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.

Rather than tackle disagreements or compromises maturely, they set out to divert you from your right to have your own identity and perspective by attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing or complying with their demands. To them, any challenge results in an ultimatum and do this or Ill do that becomes their daily mantra.

If someones reaction to you setting boundaries or having a differing opinion from your own is to threaten you into submission, whether its a thinly veiled threat or an overt admission of what they plan to do, this is a red flag of someone who has a high degree of entitlement and has no plans of compromising. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.

9. Name-calling.

Narcissists preemptively blow anything they perceive as a threat to their superiority out of proportion. In their world, only they can ever be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic injury that results in narcissistic rage. As Mark Goulston, M.D. asserts, narcissistic rage does not result from low self-esteem but rather a high sense of entitlement and false sense of superiority.

The lowest of the low resort to narcissistic rage in the form of name-calling when they cant think of a better way to manipulate your opinion or micromanage your emotions. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.

Name-calling can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and insights. A well-researched perspective or informed opinion suddenly becomes silly or idiotic in the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened by it and cannot make a respectful, convincing rebuttal. Rather than target your argument, they target you as a person and seek to undermine your credibility and intelligence in any way they possibly can. Its important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that you wont tolerate it. Dont internalize it: realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in higher level methods.

Want more writing like this? Read the book

10. Destructive conditioning.

Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. They may even isolate you from your friends and family and make you financially dependent upon them. Like Pavlovs dogs, youre essentially trained over time to become afraid of doing the very things that once made your life fulfilling.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and otherwise toxic people do this because they wish to divert attention back to themselves and how youre going to please them. If there is anything outside of them that may threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be the center of attention at all times. In the idealization phase, you were once the center of a narcissists world now the narcissist becomes the center of yours.

Narcissists are also naturally pathologically envious and dont want anything to come in between them and their influence over you. Your happiness represents everything they feel they cannot have in their emotionally shallow lives. After all, if you learn that you can get validation, respect and love from other sources besides the toxic person, whats to keep you from leaving them? To toxic people, a little conditioning can go a long way to keep you walking on eggshells and falling just short of your big dreams.

11. Smear campaigns and stalking.

When toxic types cant control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while youre labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you wont have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person. They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly expose the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

Some smear campaigns can even work to pit two people or two groups against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist often doesnt know whats being said about them during the relationship, but they eventually find out the falsehoods shortly after theyve been discarded.

Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviors that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called victims of your abuse.

The best way to handle a smear campaign is to stay mindful of your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially pertinent for high-conflict divorces with narcissists who may use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible. You may wish to take legal action if you feel the stalking and harassment is getting out of control; finding a lawyer who is well-versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial if thats the case. Your character and integrity will speak for itself when the narcissists false mask begins to slip.

12. Love-bombing and devaluation.

Toxic people put you through an idealization phase until youre sufficiently hooked and invested in beginning a friendship or relationship with you. Then, they begin to devalue you while insulting the very things they admired in the first place. Another variation of this is when a toxic individual puts you on a pedestal while aggressively devaluing and attacking someone else who threatens their sense of superiority.

Narcissistic abusers do this all the time they devalue their exes to their new partners, and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the narcissists ex-partner. Ultimately what will happen is that you will also be on the receiving end of the same abuse. You will one day be the ex-partner they degrade to their new source of supply. You just dont know it yet. Thats why its important to stay mindful of the love-bombing technique whenever you witness behavior that doesnt align with the saccharine sweetness a narcissist subjects you to.

As life coach Wendy Powell suggests, slowing things down with people you suspect may be toxic is an important way of combating the love-bombing technique. Be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.

13. Preemptive defense.

When someone stresses the fact that they are a nice guy or girl, that you should trust them right away or emphasizes their credibility without any provocation from you whatsoever, be wary.

Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should trust them without first building a solid foundation of trust. They may perform a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship to dupe you, only to unveil their false mask later on. When you see their false mask begins to slip periodically during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, the true self is revealed to be terrifyingly cold, callous and contemptuous.

Genuinely nice people rarely have to persistently show off their positive qualities they exude their warmth more than they talk about it and they know that actions speak volumes more than mere words. They know that trust and respect is a two-way street that requires reciprocity, not repetition.

To counter a preemptive defense, reevaluate why a person may be emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you dont trust them, or because they know you shouldnt? Trust actions more than empty words and see how someones actions communicate who they are, not who they say they are.

14. Triangulation.

Bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested threat of another person into the dynamic of an interaction is known as triangulation. Often used to validate the toxic persons abuse while invalidating the victims reactions to abuse, triangulation can also work to manufacture love triangles that leave you feeling unhinged and insecure.

Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members in order to evoke jealousy and uncertainty in you. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.

This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself if Mary did agree with Tom, doesnt that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to report back falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.

To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse triangulate the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissists influence and also by seeking your own validation.

15. Bait and feign innocence.

Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesnt know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down.

By baiting you with a seemingly innocuous comment disguised as a rational one, they can then begin to play with you. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you. After youve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, theyll stand back and innocently ask whether youre okay and talk about how they didnt mean to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didnt intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you cant deny the reality of their malice any longer.

It helps to realize when youre being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether. Provocative statements, name-calling, hurtful accusations or unsupported generalizations, for example, are common baiting tactics. Your gut instinct can also tell you when youre being baited if you feel off about a certain comment and continue to feel this way even after it has been expanded on, thats a sign you may need to take some space to reevaluate the situation before choosing to respond.

16. Boundary testing and hoovering.

Narcissists, sociopaths and otherwise toxic people continually try and test your boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations theyre able to commit without consequences, the more theyll push the envelope. Thats why survivors of emotional as well as physical abuse often experience even more severe incidents of abuse each and every time they go back to their abusers.

Abusers tend to hoover their victims back in with sweet promises, fake remorse and empty words of how they are going to change, only to abuse their victims even more horrifically. In the abusers sick mind, this boundary testing serves as a punishment for standing up to the abuse and also for being going back to it. When narcissists try to press the emotional reset button, reinforce your boundaries even more strongly rather than backtracking on them.

17. Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes.

Covert narcissists enjoy making malicious remarks at your expense. These are usually dressed up as just jokes so that they can get away with saying appalling things while still maintaining an innocent, cool demeanor. Yet any time you are outraged at an insensitive, harsh remark, you are accused of having no sense of humor. This is a tactic frequently used in verbal abuse.

The contemptuous smirk and sadistic gleam in their eyes gives it away, however like a predator that plays with its food, a toxic person gains pleasure from hurting you and being able to get away with it. After all, its just a joke, right? Wrong. Its a way to gaslight you into thinking their abuse is a joke a way to divert from their cruelty and onto your perceived sensitivity. It is important that when this happens, you stand up for yourself and make it clear that you wont tolerate this type of behavior.

Calling out manipulative people on their covert put-downs may result in further gaslighting from the abuser but maintain your stance that their behavior is not okay and end the interaction immediately if you have to.

18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone.

Belittling and degrading a person is a toxic persons forte and their tone of voice is only one tool in their toolbox. Sarcasm can be a fun mode of communication when both parties are engaged, but narcissists use it chronically as a way to manipulate you and degrade you. If you in any way react to it, you must be too sensitive.

Forget that the toxic person constantly has temper tantrums every time their big bad ego is faced with realistic feedback the victim is the hypersensitive one, apparently. So long as youre treated like a child and constantly challenged for expressing yourself, youll start to develop a sense of hypervigilance about voicing your thoughts and opinions without reprimand. This self-censorship enables the abuser to put in less work in silencing you, because you begin to silence yourself.

Whenever you are met with a condescending demeanor or tone, call it out firmly and assertively. You dont deserve to be spoken down to like a child nor should you ever silence yourself to meet the expectation of someone elses superiority complex.

19. Shaming.

You should be ashamed of yourself is a favorite saying of toxic people. Though it can be used by someone who is non-toxic, in the realm of the narcissist or sociopath, shaming is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that might challenge a toxic persons power. It can also be used to destroy and whittle away at a victims self-esteem: if a victim dares to be proud of something, shaming the victim for that specific trait, quality or accomplishment can serve to diminish their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.

Malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths enjoy using your own wounds against you so they will even shame you about any abuse or injustice youve suffered in your lifetime as a way to retraumatize you. Were you a childhood abuse survivor? A malignant narcissist or sociopath will claim that you mustve done something to deserve it, or brag about their own happy childhood as a way to make you feel deficient and unworthy. What better way to injure you, after all, than to pick at the original wound? As surgeons of madness, they seek to exacerbate wounds, not help heal them.

If you suspect youre dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past traumas. Until theyve proven their character to you, there is no point disclosing information that could be potentially used against you.

20. Control.

Most importantly, toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can. They isolate you, maintain control over your finances and social networks, and micromanage every facet of your life. Yet the most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions.

Thats why abusive narcissists and sociopaths manufacture situations of conflict out of thin air to keep you feeling off center and off balanced. Thats why they chronically engage in disagreements about irrelevant things and rage over perceived slights. Thats why they emotionally withdraw, only to re-idealize you once they start to lose control. Thats why they vacillate between their false self and their true self, so you never get a sense of psychological safety or certainty about who your partner truly is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the less likely you’ll trust your own reality and the truth about the abuse you’re enduring. Knowing the manipulative tactics and how they work to erode your sense of self can arm you with the knowledge of what youre facing and at the very least, develop a plan to regain control over your own life and away from toxic people.

Shahida Arabi is the author of the book , available here.