#Tam is who Keefe wishes he was

[doodle-do-wop]

More Keeper Reread thoughts: Lodestar

Extremely unpopular opinion but: why the heck do we still trust Keefe????

Yes everything worked out in some cases but if we look at the consequences, they don't balance each other out. Not even a little

I know Keefe is the fandom's little soggy meow meow funny boy but Fitz should've been allowed to hit him like Captain America's punching bag.

[cavennmalore]

tagging @myfairkatiecat because it is only fair after you requested this word vomit lol

The thing about Keefe not being a good person is a little complicated. Full disclaimer, I don’t really believe in the whole good/bad person dichotomy, and definitely not for KIDS. Nevertheless, I don’t disagree with the people who say that Keefe isn’t the awesome person Sophie’s (biased) opinion makes him out to be. Not for the manipulative reasons -- which, Keefe is a teenage boy and I don't know about anyone else but that is like THE demographic for being a little messy in relationships lmao -- but for a lot of his planning. Joining the Neverseen without telling anyone what his plan was? Proposing himself as Mercadir without giving anyone a chance to refute him? Lying at the end of Legacy and showing up to the confrontation even though it was explicitly agreed he'd stay back? Basically, everything he did in Lodestar? Not great.

It's not Certified Good Guy Behavior. But that's his role. Keefe was literally designed to occupy this grey, questionable space, both in the narrative and outside of it. He's Sophie's character foil. Lady Gisela's plan revolves around pushing Keefe to become a worse and worse person; that involves raising him in a way that cultivates bad behavior and forcing him into increasingly extreme situations that are designed to make Keefe "ready" when the time comes. That is a huge part of the plots of Nightfall and Legacy.

Admittedly, I don't think Shannon has made him evil/grey enough, which I know isn't a popular take. There was real potential to make Keefe a wild card in Lodestar and make it so that the question isn't what stupid scheme is he planning? but to what extent have Lady Gisela's machinations worked? It's an interesting plotline to me. It's why I'm so excited for Unraveled; it's a chance to see this push-pull in action without Keefe's "north star" (AKA Sophie) guiding his decisions.

But a lot of people don't feel this way. A ton of the complaints I see around the book have to do with Keefe getting too much page time, the plotline taking up too much space in the story, etc. Which is fair! If you don't like Keefe, I'm sure a lot of this is grueling. However, a point I see connected to this line of thought is a wish for the books to return to a more ensemble vibe. That there should be more Dex, more Biana, more Stina, more Tam, etc. the way that it used to be.

That version of the books, though? It only really exists in the first book. Keefe is a prominent character in Exile and a huge driver of its plot. It's only in Book One where he only exists on the margins and isn't super involved. The ensemble cast has grown exponentially since then, to the point where there are frankly too many characters to keep track of in a scene without straight-up listing them all (which did happen but I'm forgetting which book). The decreased page time of supporting characters isn't solely because Keefe is eating the narrative, but because there are way too many characters for everyone to get a subplot; rather than have pre-existing characters solve issues, Shannon tends to just pull new ones in, and then leave them to hang out for the following books. If the series was for a more adult audience, I would say that it was time to start killing people off (like the popular critique of The Boys) but because this is a kids series, they're going to just hang around and not do much.

A lot of the nostalgia for this old version of KOTLC presents itself in fandom discussions of Dex. Full transparency: I didn't really like Dex that much in the early books when I did my reread. I found him unbearably rude to Fitz and Biana. His crush on Sophie felt invasive at times as if she was catering to a boy that was projecting his feelings and making her accommodate him. It's very similar stuff to the current criticism of Keefe! But I have yet to see any discussions around Dex that don't characterize him as kind, goofy, or sweet. Maybe there is some discussion of him being snarky or sarcastic. The most criticism I've seen of him is about how he treated Stina in his introduction, which was taken largely in isolation.

But that sweet, goofy version of Dex that people talk about missing? He doesn't exist. Sure, Dex mellowed out a ton in the later books, but he didn't become a whole new character. And I don't believe that he disappeared from the books in the way that some people claim. He just... doesn't have a subplot anymore. His crush on Sophie was resolved. It was a sticking point in his and Sophie's friendship which made him part of her character arc, and that arc is done. If that went on for any longer, it would be a drag on the pace of the series. Like I said before, the presence of so many side characters, each with their own needs and motivations, makes it difficult to introduce him into new stuff. It's why he gets so much more page time in Unlocked. With the presence of so many other characters, Shannon tends to handwave a lot of the background group dynamics. Dex ended up becoming close to Keefe and was able to shine there, away from Sophie's perspective and their finished arc.

All of this is to say, it's not wrong to dislike Keefe or like Dex. But I think a lot of the conversations surrounding these guys can get muddled in nostalgia and what people think the books should be rather than what they are. I'm (severely) guilty of it too. It's part of a broader trend in fandoms as "fandom" as a concept becomes more popular. That is a whole other post, though, and frankly, this one is long enough lol

[conjectureand-gloom]

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2023 reflection post

fandom list, fanfiction request masterlist, written works, wips, asks, tags and mutuals under the cut

‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧ fandom list ‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧

hamilton (feel free to request for any hamilton ship, i love them all so much, alexander is the absolute DREAM for a multishipper. alexander is my main target for angst! this is my main fandom)

jesus christ superstar (jesus/judas or jesus/judas/mary mainly for jcs, but feel free to ask for any other ships and i’ll consider it!! and no, i am not religious. i have been raised christian, but just ended up with religious trauma)

a good girls guide to murder (pipravi fluff and angst :) but i’ll so gladly write fics about sal and andie, or becca. ravi is my comfort character, and i just torture pip relentlessly)

nevermoor (personally i’m more of a cadence/morrigan girly, but fics for nevermoor will mainly be gen! i love found family, so jupiter & mog fluff or angst is my favourite)

in the heights (canon ships mainly, but feel free to ask for other ships! i’m not in the ITH fandom much, so these are going to be much more inaccurate)

newsies (again, more gen fics, but i do ship dave/jack. also i love angsty crutchie fics. this is one of my smaller fandoms, so these will be super inaccurate)

keeper of the lost cities (preferably marella/linh or tam/keefe! but again, feel free to ask for any ship!!)

hunger games (gen, preferably. but i’m team peeta in case anyone was wondering. fuck gale.)

maze runner (okay i haven’t read or seen TMR in ages but newt/thomas)

divergent (canon ships only. and no, christina/tobias is not canon.)

six (gen all the way. found family. also i love katherine howard angst over any other queen)

the song of achilles (achilles/patroclus? literally what other ship is there????? this is my favourite book)

wednesday (wednesday/enid. i feel like this requires no explanation. also. angst fics. i almost exclusively write angsty wednesday fics, rather than enid. i love the whole of the addams family, and i love familial hurt/comfort)

marauders (i’m not in the marauders fandom much at all, like i really only know the actual hp canon marauders. so.)

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i’ll write for any fandom listed above, i love them all! however i am much more active in hamilton, agggtm, jcs, nevermoor and kotlc, so those fics will be much better than the other fandoms’ would be

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on that, i’m not going to write any non/con, romanticised or not

also, i won’t write omegaverse, nor will i write y/n or self insert fics. nothing wrong with those genres, i just don’t write them!

‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧ written works ‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧

It’s Only A Matter Of Time - A Hamilton Watches Hamilton Fic

i wish i could say that was the last time

call me son one more time

when they surround our troops

then a hurricane came

take a break

and his right hand man…

she was holding me

the great war

we got traffic on the west side

steal into my affections

the fact that you’re alive is a miracle

fools who run their mouths off wind up dead

my father wasn’t around

philip, you would like it uptown

i may not live to see our glory…

an outrageous demand

stay alive

my dear, angelica

to convince you that i love you

but this situation’s helpless

like mother, like daughter (agggtm)

“but now this room is spinning…”

“i’ll call out your name but you won’t call back”

“like crying out in empty rooms, with no one there except the moon”

me in your sweater, you said it looked better on me than it did you (gifted to @holes-in-my-false-confidence)

baby it’s cold outside

the entire exposé (inspired entirely off of @jittyjames’ fanfiction series ‘the price of his war’)

my world is burning (yet another fic based off of jami’s series ‘the price of his war’)

i’m sorry if any of these links are incorrect, i spent over an hour on just this section

‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧ wips ‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧

achilles, come down (last two works in series still need to be written)

je m’appelle… lafayette? (one chapter to go)

lams (taylor’s version) (a few chapters to go, unsure if it will be finished)

you’re the one who disappears (agggtm, unsure if it will be finished, or when)

judas’ death (jcs angst fanfiction)

untitled (hamil-gang liminal spaces au longfic thing idk)

febuwhump drabbles (possibly)

be my valentine challenge

so big/so small (so big/so small from deh but hamilton and his ma)

bloom like rose thorns (a longfic that may or may not ever be finished)

rewrite of ‘i wish i could say that was the last time’ and ‘call me son one more time’

baby don’t cut (lams angst based off of a song with the same name)

‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧ collaborations ‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧

fem!hamilton au with @jittyjames and @firebalda

if anybody is interested in collabing at all, please hit me up!! i love writing with other people!!!!

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please send me any asks at all!!! and also please put fic requests in my ask box, i did say that i would have your request out in 6 months, but i have had one sitting in there for over a year (sorry jami.) but um. i promise im trying to get better at that

also, feel free to ask for fic recommendations!!!! i’ve linked a post earlier in this post with a huge list, but it’s not fully updated with some more recent fics :)

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sleep is overrated- me trying to fix my sleep schedule in 2024

personal- personal vent posts. please block this tag, i have had someone unfollow me before because of these posts :)

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@jittyjames

@like-the-stars-i-shine (irl friend for 5 years now)

@holes-in-my-false-confidence (my partner, irl <33333)

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[swans-chirping-in-the-distance]

hi.... so you like keefe, and that's the general concensus

could you maybe help explain his virtues and stuff more? it's hard to see his appeal

(hope this isn't rude)

Ofc I will!! I want to dissect him <33

I would like to start out by saying that while I think that his flaws make sense and I'll defend that he's a traumatized teen, I don't think he's flawless. I don't think he actually does nothing wrong. I LOVE that he has flaws.

Keefe is my favorite "using jokes to cover sadness" character because I love the depth he has. He comes across as silly and joking but if you dig just a little bit you see that he's angry, and even further, that he's sad.

Keefe is angry that he's been hurt so many times, that those he loves have been hurt so many times, and that the people that should be his home made him like this. Because Keefe has this disgustingly warped perspective of himself, and whether or not he realizes it, it's all their fault. If his family had been there for him he wouldn't have become how he did. He put up walls and cracked jokes and avoided everything because that's all he could do. He was so young when he was being abused that he didn't know how to deal with things. His parents literally formed his brain, in a way.

And that's why he's so reckless. He's so desperate to be different from them; so desperate to be better. And he makes these rash decisions out of love. Because he never got love from his family. And he wanted it so damn bad. So he gives it out to people, but never the right amount. He trusted his mom. He trusted Alvar. He trusted all of them, and look where that got him.

He's just so jealous. Jealous of perfect Fitz Vacker who is always chosen in his eyes. Jealous of perfect Sophie Foster who's wrongs are nowhere near Keefe's in his eyes. Jealous of every parent relationship that's good, that he should've had.

And through all of it, he's just…sad. While Fitz is built on this uncontrollable backbone of anger and Tam is built on this unwavering support of trauma-induced love, Keefe is built on this dark void in his heart made up of sadness. This empty hole from spending so much time in a toxic place, and the stark contrast between that and the "perfect" Vackers. All he was really shown in his formative years was what not to do. And he knows it. And he feels it every single day when he wakes up and distracts himself with little things so he doesn't have to face the big ones. Because facing them means facing him, and Keefe fears nothing more than that.

And although he can be mean and insensitive and screw up, he can really get people. He just doesn't always know how to deal with it. But he's learning. He's teaching himself to be kind by displaying the gentleness he wished he had. He doesn't want people to hurt like he has.

Throughout all of his flaws, Keefe Sencen cares. He cares about everything and nothing and all in between. And that is truly what makes Keefe an interesting character to me. The depth of his suffering and the way he naturally expresses it.

Also he's a little sarcastic shithead

[ahoyimlosingmymind]

what happens if fitz realizes that his friends take advantage of him/don't care as much either?

I don't think they take advantage of him, so much as just disregard. But I also think most characters in the series are disregarded aside from Keefe (which- you can decide if that's a bad or good thing for yourself.)

But reading the books, you do notice that Fitz doesn't really have a friend group within the friend group like the others. Linh, Tam, Wylie and Rayni are their own little thing, Tam, Biana and Dex are often paired off, Maruca, Stina, Linh and Marella are often together etc...

and it used to be Keefe, Fitz and Sophie, but Fitz and Keefe's friendship started deteriorating early on, and I think it's fair to say that Keefe and Sophie spend more time together-- even when Sophie and Fitz were dating, they were often together, and Sophie purposefully avoided Fitz because the stress of the relationship. And we all know this led to the slow death of Sophitz and kinda put the final nail in the Keefe and Fitz friendship (unless of course they find some magical way to make up that's even remotely believable. Because your best friend dating your ex girlfriend is a LOT to come back from.)

So atp, he's completely alone, and his closest confidant seems to be Biana, who has her own friends and people to lean on. Fitz's relationship with his parents has also really suffered, he no longer has his brother, and he has no real mentor and mentee relationships with any adults in the series.

You notice this to be true as well when you see that while most of his 'friends' are in groups and go do things in duos, he's often on his own when he's pursuing his own leads. No one offers to do it with him, unless they're asked specifically. (Ie. searching Cassius's memories, no one backing him up when it came to Alvar, except Biana, but even she was a bit more passive with it.)

I think the natural conclusion to all of this is honestly a slow fade out of being in everyone's lives. Which sounds really sad, but relationships take two, and I don't know how much he's willing to forgive, and it doesn't seem that Keefe and Sophie are doing much to pursue rebuilding things with him. I personally would not be able to handle being around either of them unless it was out of necessity, if I was him. And I can't really imagine anyone else in the extended friend group is pursuing him as a friend either. Shannon has done such a good job of making everyone so uncomfortable around him, that I think it would take a while for any of them to really approach him.

I really don't think a lot of Keefe and Sophie and his relationships are salvageable. I'm imagining real people in the same scenario and uh... someone is 100% going no contact. The only way this could be saved is with the most sincere apologies known to mankind between the three of them, real and sincere forgiveness, and lots of time.

But that leaves him extremely isolated.

I wish Shannon would develop him and Biana's relationship more, because I would love to have someone who is in Fitz's corner. And she's shown to have more empathy for her brother than everyone else.

[ttrwritesshit]

A Very very belated secret Santa gift for @flori-doodles that's been sitting in my notes app for far to long. This secret Santa is (was??) brought to you by @song-tam 👏

Merry halfway through February!

Anyways, Keefe and Fitz smool story under the cut.

The're dating. It's a bit gay. Idk what else to tell y'all

(Idk how to label stories and stuff, so nothing more here)

And sorry about the the hearts, they keep moving and changing size and idk. I can't bear the thought of getting rid of them tho.

Keefe and Fitz were close friends, VERY close friends. That was all. There was no other attraction between the two. At least that's what everyone else thought. 

Because what would people say, if they were more? The elven world was outraged by people with twins or triplets, what would they say about two boys dating? 

So, it stayed a secret.

♡♡♡♡

"Will you be coming over after school today?" Asked Fitz, his brown hair and abnormal teal eyes sparkling in the light glinting off the glass side of the level three wing. 

The two sit in an empty corridor, enjoying the little time they have alone together. 

Keefe, squashed up next to Fitz, leans over until his head is touching the others shoulder. Sighing softly, he closes his eyes "I wish I could, but father has some important dinner and I have to be there apparently."

"I'm sure we can come up with something. My dad could ask him if you could stay, maybe even for a sleepover" he says, a glint of determination in his eyes. 

"Fitz, it's alright. I can deal with one evening of stuffy nobles" Keefe replies warily, glancing up at the boy above him. 

"Well, I'm not letting you spend more time in that house than is strictly necessary. I'm gonna ask my dad to ask yours about a sleepover" determination growing, he grabs his imparter from his bag, but is stopped by Keefe’s hand. 

"I don't need you to save me from everything, Fitz " Keefe mumbles. 

Both of them fall silent. 

♡♡♡♡

Keefe and Fitz knew each other well, and they were always said to be 'like brothers'. Which is a lovely compliment, yet they still cringed at the word 'Brothers'. Because no one could know they were more. 

If they could tell the world, they would. But the elven world is disgusted by bad matches, what would it say about two boys dating? 

so, it stayed a secret. 

♡♡♡♡

Before heading home, Fitz approaches Keefe, with the same offer as before. 

"Are you sure you don't want to come over? I'm sure my parents would be fine with it" he asks, growing slightly desperate. 

"Fitz" Keefe says, gently grabbing Fitz’s hand "I would love to, you know that. But I can't. Not tonight" 

"But-" Fitz is cut short by a single finger on his lips, making the 'shhh' sign on his mouth. 

"Not today, okay?" Keefe says, with a slight grin, as Fitz's eyes develop a haze of confusion. 

"What's this meeting about anyways?" Fitz says, once Keefe finally removes his finger. 

"I'm not really sure.” Keefe admits “It's probably just some semi-legal paperwork my dad's doing again," he says, his voice slightly softening.

Fitz fell quite again. 

And he stayed quiet on the walk back. 

♡♡♡♡

Keefe and Fitz were so close. In fact, the Vackers might even consider Keefe their son. But never for the reason the boys wished. 

Maybe they wished it could be 'son in law' instead one day. 

And maybe one day it would be, but the elven world was uncomfortable around the talentless, what would they say about two boys dating? 

so, it stayed a secret. 

♡♡♡♡

That afternoon, over Pathfinder Fitz had finally convinced Keefe. 

"I don't wanna be caught up in anything too illegal, you know?" Keefe joked, but it was all to real of a possibility to be funny. 

♡♡♡♡

Keefe and Fitz were close, never one without the other. They just balanced each other out so perfectly. 

It's funny no one suspected anything, but who would've thought two boys could be more than friends. Because the elven world was distraught around the very thought of humans what would they say about two boys dating? 

So, it stayed a secret

♡♡♡♡

Fitz rushes up the Stairs at a Superhuman. speed, almost running smack bang into a slightly visible Della. 

'Sorry!" he across yells, still sprinting across the house.

A few minutes later, he reaches his destination, out of breath. Still panting, he enters his bedroom, levitating things out of his way as he goes. 

His room was a mess, and that needed to be changed right away.

Because Keefe was coming over.

It wasn't like he hadn't been over before, there'd been endless days of base quest and mallowmelt.  But this time things were different. Because Keefe was staying the night.

The very thought of sleepover with him made Fitz heart do silly little flips. 

He didn't have time to think about that, when there were only 2 hours until Keefe arrived, and his room looked like it'd been hit with bomb. (As his mum would say) 

♡♡♡♡

Keefe’s heart seemed to be attempting to gymnastics as he tried to keep his blushing under control.

clothes and a random assortment of items are spread across his room as he attempts to pack a bag. 

the thing is, he'd never been to a sleepover, especially not with someone so- perfect.

He’s so under prepared. 

He looks at the clock hanging over his bed.

Frick

He only had an hour left to turn to the explosion in his room into a a neatly packed bag AND find something to wear. 

And on top of all that, he needed to do his hair.

♡♡♡♡

Keefe and Fitz were close, to close to be just friends. Whispers of them being something else flitted through foxfire, and it wasn't met with outrage or disgust or discomfort. 

It was met with hope.

The elven world was disapproving of anything less than perfect, but what was imperfect about love? 

[dreaming-of-the-end]

in which god sweeps across a canvas the same way a heartbeat becomes a song

A/N: Happy Kam Week everyone! they are so bestie but do you know what's better? comments and reblogs! Kam Week 2023 Day 6: Artist/Musician

Find it on ao3

Summary: As someone whose parents have kept more of the appearance of liking God rather than truly caring about it, art has become a religion to Keefe. / Tam places his steps in the footprints of music he's listened to a hundred times. The notes are not a religion, but they are a heartbeat.

TW: religious metaphor, flashback to starvation/malnourishment (no eds)

Tags: @steppingonshatteredglass @sunset-telepath @stardustanddaffodils @song-tam @turquoise-skyyyy @skylilac @wu-marcy @saintashes @rune-and-rising @lavender-and-rainy-days @confusedamphibian @hellomyfriends @callas-starkflower-stew @a-harmless-poison @professionalwhalewatcher @theogony @gay-otlc @confuzzled-fox @almostfullnerd @athenswrites @synonymroll648 @squishmallow36 @xanadaus @honey-the-dinosaur-ate-our-kid @kamweek2023

As someone whose parents have kept more of the appearance of liking God rather than truly caring about it, art has become a religion to Keefe.

He's heard that there are those who live to serve, who dedicate each breath and heartbeat to a deity, pouring their soul into the cupped hands of a higher being and fervently studying the delicate precision with which it pools into human-like wrinkles.

It is not as though art is a physical being, or a way to make decisions, but rather when Keefe paints, it is his soul that coats the canvas, his blood tracing hard lines and tears feathering light details. His senses, his sight and hearing and touch, are the highlights, contouring out a hard jawline with joy and flicking freckles across lips with fury and sacrifice pouring bloodred from torn skin.

Blessings come when he looks outside and sees the colors and thinks of which paints to mix to achieve that shade of perfection, studying how light becomes shapes becomes darkness becomes beauty. The lazy confidence of a gray-lavender shadow as it stretches itself to meet the sun, the elegant curl of a emerald-green leaf, the pink-orange of the sky resting its weary eyes as night rises.

Keefe prays to his deity to find inspiration. He shoves his hands into the grass and grips the blades tightly enough that they snap, his nails digging into his palms deeply enough to sting, soft soil making its way into the lines of his palm like a worshipper's soul flooding their God's weary eyes.

In essence: art is religion because he gives everything he has to worship it. Art is religion because it is where he finds himself. Who he is has never been an easy question for him to answer, but he discovers it in the way his fingers grip the charcoal or paintbrush or pencil or oils.

Keefe's dreams splatter across his canvas and he covers them over with white paint to start again. They peek through in oily streaks when he scratches at the canvas. Color flakes away. The paper shreds. The pencil snaps in his fingers. A dark streak smears the cheek of his mother's depiction as a Hera-like statue in an empty temple. He thought it was symbolic. Now it feels like a very slight overbite— uncomfortable, right and wrong, something that fits perfectly but not quite right at the same time.

Who he is becomes clear when it's all out there on paper.

Who is he?

...

Tam believes in the strength of a body. Of flesh and blood. Of muscles and bones and teeth and the way blinking sometimes scrapes a layer of disguise from your eyes so you have to cry no matter how much you don't want to.

His flesh was the shield between Linh and the cold on the worst of those nights, the ones where they couldn't see their faces in the darkness, the black so thick Tam thought he was swimming in it, drowning in it, a soft sort of death that smothered him in velvet. They shook with cold, with tears, with pain, with hunger, with the knowledge that they weren't alone even though often Tam wished he was so that Linh didn't have to go through this with him.

His blood pumped fear through his body, the fear that honed his hungry body and let him steal when it had been two days since fresh food and Linh reached a dangerously weak hand to his cheek. He would bite his cheek and taste it, taste the adrenaline in the blood that flooded his mouth, and know that they could not go on this way.

He could not go on this way.

It was only a few more months from that day until they met Sophie. One more month where the darkness lasted too long, so long that the shadows he loves so much it hurts began to leach strength from his cold, aching body.

Now, he sits in a warm home and lets music be his shield. Not instead of flesh, but a part of it, the way the dark would melt into his skin if he sat still enough, like a wild beast that was only looking for a little warmth. Melody sinks into his body and becomes him, becomes Tam, putting pink back into his blue fingers and depth back into his eyes.

Tam places his steps in the footprints of music he's listened to a hundred times. The notes are not a religion, but they are a heartbeat. They are a lifeblood. They are a dream of safety and a recognition of luck, fingers pressed into guitar strings too quickly, too often, summoning red irritation to the surface as a reminder that he doesn't have to be numb anymore.

He's allowed to let out a breath that is not for the purpose of letting Linh inhale. They breathe separately now. Sometimes she sits in the room while he plays and lets the music trickle down her arms like she's fresh back from swim practice,  damp silver tips of her hair sticking to her neck. She's a painting, flesh and blood. 

He gives her form with his guitar, with the grand piano in the living room, with the lyrics he doesn't show her but still scribbles down into whatever notebook Tiergan buys him.

The music lets Tam become himself. It tells him that he is a heartbeat, a held breath. It does not need to be concrete. It's all right there. Who he is.

Who is he?

...

Keefe paints him over and over again.

But it doesn't start that way. It starts as sketches, simple renderings. He rehearses what he'd say if anyone realized who he was looking at: he's a good model. Unique, clear-cut, (and the unmentionable "hot as shit" description that waits at the tip of his tongue) interesting. Silver bangs cut dangerously across the gentle slope of his forehead. Keefe presses the shape of his nose into the paper so hard the tip of his pencil breaks.

It's just sketches, until he breaks out the watercolors at home, and sort of curses his photographic memory for remembering him so well but also knows it was the result of staring at him for too long. He gives the boy a pink flush in his cheeks even though it wasn't there before.

But that was only the first painting. The first day.

The next day, Keefe learns his name.

Tam and Linh Song are new students, the teacher tells them. Treat them with as much respect as you would any other classmate. Sophie twists to glare at him as if to say, That means you, Keefe, don't tease the new kids before they know you're just joking around all the time, and he smirks at her as if to say, What, you want me to change? What happened to loving me for who I am?

And, really, he wasn't planning on teasing them— not even him. He's content with the creepy sneaking-peaks-across-the-classroom-all-period he's got going on, and he isn't a bully.

But Tam is in his next hour, and Sophie isn't there to chide him for anything, so he slides into the desk next to him and says, "Yo, new kid, I hope you know that I'm basically in charge of this school, and there's a penalty for doing anything better than me."

Tam turns to meet his eyes, and Keefe suddenly finds a detail he didn't catch in yesterday's prayer (painting). His eyes are a dangerous sort of gray, nearly black when his eyes narrow and a blue-silver when the light catches them, and he has teeth straight enough to draw a line. "No need to worry about that," he says, his voice rough and unpolished. "I'm sure I couldn't possibly beat your... what? C+ average?"

Keefe's mouth drops open for a moment, and Sophie's words echo in his head as he's forced, for the first time in his class clown history, to wonder whether or not this kid is joking. Then his lips spread into a wide smile as he finds it doesn't matter. "No one in this hellhole of a school ever managed better grades than a C- before I came along, so that's a nice try. But I'm a record-setter here."

Tam regards him in a way that sends his eyebrows twitching up. Keefe wonders what he sees. "Luckily, I'm not a competitive person. Because if I were, I'd point out that there's no way someone hasn't done at least their hair better than you."

Keefe's nostrils flare. He ruffles his hair and says, snippily, "Lucky you aren't competitive, then, because I'd have to point out that bangs haven't been in since my grandmother was born."

His lips press together into a tight line, eyes narrowing. Tam turns back to face the front of the classroom, his back ramrod straight despite the way Keefe's arm is draped over the back of his chair, foot propped up on the desk. "I must have a four-leaf fucking clover, then."

Keefe is kind of obsessed with him. He hopes it doesn't show.

...

Tam was aware that being the new kid would invite a few questions, but he expected more of "Where did you go before?" or "Is it true you're adopted?" instead of an instant pissing contest with a boy who has ink splattered messily on his hands and scribbled all over the thighs of his jeans.

Not that he thinks Keefe is uninteresting. Definitely, certainly full of himself, and absolutely hiding something under that mop of bleached blond hair, but perhaps someone Tam would have liked to know, if only to see what motivated him to strike up a conversation.

Neither of them have spoken in the last few minutes, but Keefe's still moving, still shifting his weight back and forth, running his fingertips across the desk, scuffing his expensive shoes along the ground, and worst of all, messing with his pen. click. click. click.

Tam doesn't bother twisting to look at him as he says, "Could you... stop that? Please?"

He hears a snort. The clicking stops, and then Keefe's breath is on his cheeks as he leans over so far his chair tips to the side. He has the grin of an understimulated panther, and he lounges across Tam's desk like he's method acting as one for the school play.

"What are you trying to pay so much attention to, anyway? Can't be the lesson. No one listens to those."

If Tam were a liar, he'd say that Keefe has an annoying fucking voice. Unfortunately, he is not, and his voice is smooth and soft and has a practiced sort of velvet that makes him think this is a boy who is consistently excused for his mistakes. Maybe he can sing. He seems like he'd either be terrible or completely perfect at it.

"I'm listening to it. It's better than the alternative." Tam cuts his gaze to catch Keefe's reaction, finding the other's mouth falling open. All four chair legs land back on the ground as he retreats to a socially acceptable distance.

"I have never before been called worse than school."

"Must be both of our lucky days, then," Tam snipes. The notes spill out in his head, and he finds himself tapping a beat out onto the desk. "You don't seem all that interesting to me." Maybe he is a liar. New schools are meant for reinventing yourself, right?

"Oh, I've been called a lot of things," Keefe begins.

"Full of yourself? Dangerously overconfident? Terribly irritating?" Tam supplies.

Keefe glares at him. "I've been called a lot of things. But believe me..." He leans closer, a mischievous spark leaping from his icy eyes. His voice lowers like he's sharing a secret, even though speaking at normal volume hasn't prompted any reaction from the teacher so far. "Uninteresting has never been one of them."

...

Weeks pass, then months.

Keefe learns that Tam and Linh are adopted, that they were homeless for over a year before Tiergan took them in. In return, they learn that his parents don't particularly like him, that he acts out for attention, and the full depth of his hatred for his father. He views it as equal exchange, a secret for a secret.

As they spend more time with the group, they learn about what Fitz and Biana's brother did to their family. They learn about Sophie's adoption, about Dex's years of being bullied, about Marella's mom and Jensi's school struggles and the various other aches and pains that come from being alive. Secrets for secrets, piled up in snowdrifts until it's not an exchange anymore.

He shows all of them the smaller paintings, the landscapes, group portraits. He captures Linh's rosy cheeks after the snowball fight they had at the Dizznee's that winter, pressing a pink tint over her nose. He masters Dex's freckles, then the contrast of Fitz's hand in his, then Biana's grin that wrinkles her nose and squints her eyes and makes her jawline disappear. He draws the curls at the end of Sophie's hair and then adds gold highlights and gives it to her for her birthday.

And he draws him. Over and over again.

Pressing his likeness between the pages of his sketchbook, the faint dimples that form whenever he smiles (more and more often, he's been able to squeeze some amusement out of him), the way the silver in his hair catches light, the thick knuckles working delicately with fingertips to pluck the strings of his guitar. 

It's with reverence that he paints him, sculpting the softness of his jaw like some ancient artists designed their gods. It's not enough.

He wants him to see them, but also, he would rather die.

Keefe asks Tam to model with a nonchalance that could almost be called a lie if you cared about that sort of thing, which Keefe decidedly does not. He says, "I've been looking for a muse." He says, "It must be your dream to have me staring at you for a few hours." He says, "Please?"

Tam looks at him like he's considering an art piece himself. Then he looks at him like he's rolling an insult, a refusal, a mockery around on his tongue. Then he looks away like he started imagining how Keefe's lips would taste on his (or possibly that was just wishful thinking). Then, slowly, carefully, he says: "Okay."

...

Tam stretches out on the couch and thinks, draw me like one of your french girls but doesn't say it because it's far too easy and his humor is supposed to be elevated, the kind of jokes that he can watch Keefe flail and jump at from far below.

Instead he says, "You want me to pose?"

"Only if it's a cute one." Keefe is distracted, setting up his paints, adjusting the curtains so the light falls correctly, twisting the canvas stand back and forth as he tries to get a good angle. Also, he's dropping things more than he usually does.

He snorts and turns onto his stomach, resting the side of his face on his clasped hands as he waits for Keefe to finish. The couch is a worn forest green, parts of it peeling, and he wonders if it will be included in the portrait. He closes his eyes and lets the sound of the room swallow him and thinks about a song made from only Keefe's curses as he drops another paintbrush.

"That's good, actually," Keefe says suddenly, and Tam's eyes pop open to find his face barely a foot away, studying his face. Instinctively, he starts to rise on his hands, but a hand presses onto his head and forces him back down with an oomph— hey! "Sorry. I want you to stay there, though."

"What, like I'm sleeping?"

"Yeah." Keefe has freckles so light that it's impossible to catch unless he's this close. While Tam is noticing this, he also notices that he has the longest eyelashes he's ever seen, and also that pink is blooming across his cheeks as if he's noticing very similar things about him. Keefe lurches back onto his heels, then stands, the pink fading as if it was only in his imagination.

Tam smirks. Then he sets his cheek back down on his laced fingers and lets out a deep breath.

"Perfect," Keefe says. He hovers above him like there's something more to say, even though there really isn't, before saying it anyway: "I mean, for the shot. For the painting. The angle, I mean." Then his face closes into what Tam would call "determined embarrassment" and he retreats to the safety of his canvas and paints.

The process takes hours. 

Tam barely blinks, content to watch the way Keefe lives in his element. In school, there's always a sort of uncomfortable tension in the way he moves, like a caged animal. Here, his eyes go squinty as he checks details, paint splattering on his already stained jeans, scratching his cheek with a paintbrush and smudging his skin with pinks as he tries to rub it off.

It's endearing. Tam is so surprised that it's endearing. He hates it a little bit (he isn't often surprised, but he supposes that rule has never applied to Keefe anyway).

A song weaves around the back of his mind. He hums a few lines, the melody sinking into the ratty couch cushions until they become the forest floor, a peaceful night where it was just the wind and the sky and the two of them, his eyes fluttering between the waking and dreaming world.

It's an in-between. A fresh start, one that's less fear and hunger and more... peace. Breakfast in the mornings and pictures pinned up to the walls until no one can tell where he came from or who he was.

Who he is.

...

Keefe knows that many of the ancient artists were trying to preserve what they perceived as divine in their work.

A call and answer, maybe. When religion and creation are the same thing, he supposes inspiration can be a shout from whatever form of god they worshipped, hoarse and torn with the desire to be immortalized.

Painters would paint their lovers, parents, children, friends, and call it divinity. They'd paint a field of sunflowers, a bowl of fruit, messy bedsheets, castles with countless towers, and summon a piece of their god to live on the canvas. Keefe supposes that's as close to the definition as anyone could ever find.

He finds it here: studying the way light dapples Tam's side, the gentle rise and fall of his shoulders, the creases of his shirt as it rides up his side.

He finds it here: the way shadows deepen his cheekbones into something sharp and dangerous and alluring, the way his eyes cut over quickly like they're sharing some private joke, the way his lips quirk up when he smiles like he needs to get it over with and return to his usual scowl.

God, he finds his divinity. He finds his religion.

[rayniscatstatue]

Stellarlune unpack with me

Sophie is done, she needs therapy

Keefe come back, please

Sophie and Ro one bed trope… slay

Dadwin was only there for a few chapters. Shannon fix this. What is wrong with you?!

Ro should’ve punched Cassius in the face… Sophie has my back

Let Sophie burn things

That fight within the entire group. Nah uh, I’m not having it

Tam vs Linh?????

What crack is Shannon on to make her do that?!

It must be a high dose whatever she is on. Like girly what? Give us back the twins as twins. Twins deserve to be bestie twins. We also deserve bestie twins

Tam sticking up for Sophie

Cue me and my fake dating Sotam au where they fake date just to piss of Fitz and add more chaos to the group

I am living for platonic Sotam

I eat that shit up

No but Sophie and Tam vs everyone

Literally everyone hates the pettiness duo. It’s Snarky Sophie and Spiteful Tam

Just Sophie and Tam being besties and glaring at everyone

Enough about platonic Sotam, we will get back to that later

Linh just stop

I want the old Linh back, she literally carried books 5-8

Stina’s redemption is just down the drain…

I think Shannon mopped it up or licked it up, who knows?

Fitz needs to be angry

Let the child be angry but still be Sophie’s friend!

Chapter 23 tho!!!!

Sophie fawning over Keefe the entire chapter and finally realising her feelings

But also Ro leaving the chapter before

The Glimmer reveal

Like Rayni sounds so hot

Time to count how many people want to marry her

And that she doesn’t regret being in the Neverseen. Girlboss

Rayni is a girlboss

Say it with me, Rayni is a girlboss

Tiergan adopting all the gay kids

He is that meme of “how many kids do you have?” “Biologically, legally or emotionally?”

Tiergan is done with this hetro shit

He must want to quit teaching Sophie and Fitz at this point

The “Stop calling us Fitzphie!” Damn

Like dude you literally still have a crush on her…

Rayni is what made that book not boring

She made that meeting happen

Dex and Biana are totally dating but haven’t told anyone

You can’t convince me otherwise but their is chemistry between the 2, and it is getting spicy

Like they are getting along too well

Dexiana is sailing

Wylie stop being a fucking council stan

I am begging you Wylie!

Your dads taught you better

Btw, Tiergan and Prentice are the closest to canonically in love we will ever get!

Sophie snapping at Oralie

Dex must be there for that drama because damn, Sophie hates that girly

Just calm down a bit

And Sophie’s new attitude is slay

Marella putting gold in her hair

If that doesn’t tell you that she is head over heels in love with Linh then I don’t know what will

I ship it

Okay but the Jensi appearance

Sophie and Jensi besties

No, Sophie, Tam and Jensi as the new trio!

Jensi is gay tho, you can tell

Okay now the meeting! Rayni slay the day you absolute queen

Sophie with her entire plan

Rayni feeding Tam when his stomach growled will never be forgotten

The Trix and Rayni friendship

Tam stopping Sophie from having a panic attack because of Vespera!

Tam would honestly be an amazing friend

Trix outing Keefe for being fake with the Neverseen! Like Keefe is really an idiot

No but Maruca and her “is that true?”’s to Tam

Girly was shook

Sophie and Tam showing up to Dex’s in the middle of the night with a forbidden spy ball with ways to get Keefe back

Dex would’ve screamed

What if it was Juline that opened the door to Sophie and Tam?

Also Biana was missing

She literally just disappeared throughout that book

No but you can tell Sophie and Tam annoyed Dex so much while he was rigging the Spy ball

He wanted to slap them

Also Bex and Lex annoying them

Also poor Rex

Save Rex petition

I don’t like Shannon for that one

Then when they jumped out a window to flee to London and drag Keefe back

Sophie, Dex and Tam slayed

Then how Tam wishes Linh was there

Okay In the hotel, the “Foster?” As Sophie literally hug-tackled Keefe

Should’ve bitch slapped him tho

How Keefe was trying to take his shirt off for Tam, like you are gay

Dex standing there

Poor Dex

Also Tam just standing there

Poor Dex and Tam

Then them going back to Havenfeild

Edaline hugging Keefe!!!!

Also Keefe having presents ready to give to Sophie because of what he did

That’s what you get for running away

I want to see Sophie, Dex and Tam babysitting the triplets

Even Sophie and Dex babysitting them would be amazing

Oh my god, the kiss

The kiss guys

Sophie and Keefe finally kissed and Fitz was salty about it

Also both of them caring about each others feelings

Keefe calling Sophie “Sophie” during the confession

Fitz is salty

Like “You kissed him, you didn’t even kiss me” *wah wah wah*

Fitz is acting like a toddler that got his toy confiscated from him

Calm down dude

The damn hairpin was in Biana’s jewellery box, that was Biana’s plot point in the entire book at this point

Then Tam chaperoning Dex and Biana

He knew that Sokeefe happened so he had to move onto Dexiana

Keefe teasing Sophie

Like he really wants to kiss her in the moment

Then Keefe coming along with Sophie to make sure she is safe

That is like Sophie stopping Keefe from going to Ravagog in book 4

Sophie, Keefe, Marella, Maruca and Fitz at it

Gisela bowing up Vespera so she doesn’t have to confess her love for her

Taking notes

Then Elysian

Elysian neutrals

Like Damn girly, that cliffhanger…

And why hasn’t Ro came back yet…?

[literaturewithliz]

The kotlc guys as boyfriends!

Tam Song:

I get the feeling that the number one aspect he’s looking for in a relationship is loyalty.

So he is 100% loyal. All of the guys are, but Tam goes the extra mile.

Threatening anyone who dares utter a negative word about his s/o, but also gushing about them to his sister.

Speaking of threatening people, he’s also pretty protective.

And I don’t just mean in a way that has to do with making sure others treat his s/o right, but also making sure they’re treating themselves right.

“Have you eaten today?” “Are you thirsty?” “Cold?” “Hey, don’t stress too much about that homework assignment, you’ll do great.”

Is never turned off by feminine activities. His partner wants to paint his nails? Go for it. His partner wants him to braid their hair or braid his hair? Linh taught him how, he’s got it down to a science.

His s/o’s parents probably wouldn’t like him the first time they meet, because of his exterior, but love him once they that he’s really just a lovesick puppy for his s/o.

Fitz Vacker:

GENTLEMEN GENTLEMEN GENTLEMEN

He’s just screams “Are you cold? Take my jacket.”

Well, cape I guess.

He’s looking for someone to marry. He doesn’t date for the sake of it, he dates to find a lifelong partner.

Respectfullllllll

Literally asks if he can hold his s/o’s hand.

Whoever he dates would have to get along with his family, specifically his sister.

Such a family man

Wants at least three children in the future

Cuddler

Loves hugs and any form of physical contact. ESPECIALLY if his s/o is the one to initiate it.

Dex Dizznee:

Again, respectfullll

Would never pressure his s/o into anything

So freaking supportive

Wanna join a bramble team? He’s at every game. Wanna take an art class? Da Vinci wishes he was as good as his s/o. (I know he prob doesn’t know who Da Vinci is but shhh)

Again, family man. Would also need to date someone that gets along with his fam.

He thinks his partner hung the moon. Is fascinated by them.

Very shy at the start of a relationship, but once he eases into it, it’s like he’s been dating them for years.

He needs someone willing to listen to him talk about his gadgets and technopathy. He would be overjoyed if his partner found his creations cool or interesting.

Keefe Sencen:

Always wants to make his partner laugh. It’s his life goal, I swear.

I get the vibe that his partner would have to wait a LONG time before Keefe would tell them he liked them. If his partner wanted him to ask them out, that is.

Needs to date a patient person in general, tbh.

His s/o is his main inspiration for all of his art. He can look at anything and somehow relate it to them. Paints them 24/7.

Would be down to do whatever with his s/o. Pranks, baking, dancing, all of it.

Very touch-starved, but still would ask for consent before anything.

Such a good listener. Is fine with listening to his partner rant for hours.

Would prob also be really soothed by his s/o’s voice.

Is prob terrified to even think about children. But would consider it if he knew that it was important to his partner.

Part 2? With the girls?

[kotlc-deleted-scenes]

Flashback Deleted Lines (Raw text, screen-reader friendly)

Any relevant description provided by Shannon on the quote image will be included before the quote itself.

1. Deleted Keefe Line. Quote text:

Deleted Keefe "But I believe in the all-mighty Fitzphie! Or, I guess I should say I believe in the Mysterious Miss F, and Wonderboy can be her cheerleader or something."

2. Quote text:

"Thanks," Sophie mumbled trying—and failing—to smooth the abundance of ruffles. "I'm never going to stop hating these stupid gowns."

3. Deleted Tam line. Quote text:

Tam rolled his eyes. "That's because your murcat is evil."

4. Deleted Grady line. Quote text:

"Oh good," Grady grumbled, adding something under his breath that started with, "That Boy."

5. Deleted Edaline line. Quote text:

"I'll admit—the mom in me wishes you could rest a little longer before jumping back into the fight. But I do understand why you're eager to dive in. And...I'm really proud of you."

6. Deleted Edaline line. Quote text:

"Well, as long as it also freaks out the Neverseen, I can live with that." Edaline told Sophie.

7. Deleted Elwin line. Quote text:

"Well," Elwin said, brushing his messy brown hair out of his eyes, "on the Sophie scale of injuries, I'd say we're somewhere in the middle."

8. Deleted Elwin line. Quote text:

"You have a pet murcat?" Elwin asked, cracking up when Linh nodded. "Bet that's an adventure."

9. Deleted Elwin line. Quote text:

"If I don't see you heading to the Leapmaster in the next five seconds," Elwin cut in, "I'm dragging you there by your ears."

"Am I the only one who wants to see that?" Ro asked.

"I'll drag you too." Elwin warned.

"Now that I need to see," Ro told him.

10. Deleted Ro line. Quote text:

Ro snorted a laugh. "Elves are such wusses."

11. Deleted Ro line. Quote text:

Ro yawned. "Yeah, I know. You elves are the wonder of the universe. Nothing can stop you—oh except anyone with claws or fangs or battle training or weapons or—"

12. Deleted Ro line. Quote text:

"And how is this little anecdote proving our sweet little Blondie is tough?"Ro asked. "I mean, don't get me wrong—it's an adorable story. It's like Team Foster-Keefe: Where it all Began! But as far as toughness goes...meh."

13. Quote text:

Bo snorted. "Elvin senses are worthless. The only thing worse are goblin senses."

Sandor growled.

Elwin chuckled. "Sounds like everyone's getting along as well as I expected."

"I don't need to make friends in order to fulfill my duties," Bo argued.

"I suppose not." Elwin handed Sophie a vial of medicine. "But it's usually a friend who saves your life when you need it."

Bo flashed a cold smile. "Then I guess it's a good thing I won't need saving."

14. Quote text:

Tiergan smiled. "Well. It sounds like you two are almost ready for the next level of Cognate training.

Keefe groaned. "There's another level?"

"There are many levels. The Cognate Connection is one that can always be built upon." He turned to Fitz and Sophie. "I'll bring the next workbook to you once you've finished your recovery."

"Why can't we start now?" Fitz asked. "We can practice in the Healing Center."

Tiergan shook his head. "The next level of Cognate training is much more intense."

"Ugh. I feel a, Fitzphie nightmare coming on," Keefe grumbled.

15. Quote text:

"That's why she's the moonlark," Flor said quietly, and Sophie spun toward the tiny gnome, wondering when she'd joined them. Flori's gray eyes studied the dagger in Sophie's hand before shifting to Bo when she added, "The moonlark excels at whatever she puts her mind to."

Sophie wasn't sure that this was something she wanted to excel at. But the pain coursing through her arm reminded her why she needed to.

"Don't worry," Flori told her. "You can be gentle and formidable. My aunt always told me that. Then she'd sing a song about roots tearing deeper into the earth, shredding everything in their path in order to keep their tree strong."

16. Quote text:

"Hey! Foster's the toughest person in this room." Keefe argued. "I knew it the moment I met her."

Sophie shook her head. "Uh, when we met, I was about to have a meltdown because I thought I'd just failed alchemy."

"Actually, you were about to have a meltdown because you were afraid to go to the Healing Center and get your burn treated," Keefe corrected.

Elwin whistled. "That was a nasty wound."

"Yep. And Foster barely noticed it. She barely noticed anything—including the guy with the best hair in school! I'll never forget it. I was sitting there, bored out of my mind—as always—and then wham!" His eyes locked with Sophie's. "I'd never had emotions hit me like that before—without contact. Without even seeing you. All I could think was, 'that's new.' And then the mysterious girl everyone had been gossiping about rounded the corner and I knew nothing was ever going to be the same again."

[occasionally-good-authoring]

skateboard stickers and a bright red guitar strap

@winterfireice i was your secret santa, i hope you enjoy this! @song-tam

summary: biana is just a barista at the coffee shop with the world’s most pride flags. sophie is the college kid who seems to only ever host his sessions at this shop. marella is the band member whose band seems to play only at this shop. but that can’t mean anything, right?

There is no reason why a sweaty college student with blond hair tied up into a failing ponytail should turn Biana fifty different shades of red. Sophie Foster doesn’t seem to think so, with her fingerless leather gloves and elbow pads. 

Honestly, who gave him the right to look so good? Was their goal to make Biana re-realize how gay ae is every time ae sees her? It sure as hell seems like. Sophie’s got his skateboard in his left hand, looking around before finding Tam in a chair and practically bouncing over to him. He throws her skateboard down next to Tam, where it lands upside down, showing off the five d20’s stickers and three pride flags plastered on it.

She tries for a side hug that Tam pushes off with a small smile. He throws her skateboard on the chair next to Tam, then does her adorable bouncing walk over to Biana at the cash register. 

Shit. Ae did not have enough time to prepare for an actual interaction with the girl who can pull of sweaty skater punk. Sophie smiles, his eyes crinkling with it. 

God, she smiles like the fucking sun, ae can’t stop aerself from thinking.

“Hey Biana! How’s it going?” It’s okay, Biana can do this. Ae can control aer hopeless woman loving for one moment and talk to Sophie.

“Pretty good, how about you?” 

“Same here.” Another smile. Biana can do this. Ae’s not that useless of a lesbian. 

“What can I get for you, and don’t chose something I don’t want to make or I’ll convince Fitz to join your DnD group,” Biana laughs. Sophie narrows her eyes in a playful glare.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“Unbelievable.” A beat of silence then a soft laugh Biana could get drunk on. Ae might just be able to if the way ae’s just a bit weak in the knees. “Can I get two large iced mochas with three shots of espresso?”

“Are you getting one for Mister-Black-Coffee or are you getting two coffees for yourself again?” Sophie smiles sheepishly.

“Now, why would you ever think that, Biana?”

“Oh I would never be able to give you a reason for that, Soph.” Sophie smiles. Biana turns away to make the coffees, wishing it was easier to keep aer brain to focus on working the espresso machine. Last time ae wasn’t focused ae burned aer hand. 

Somehow, with a beautiful girl watching aer, Biana makes the coffees without burning aer hand again. Ae doesn’t know how ae did it, but ae did. Biana might just be magical. 

“You’re great, Biana, a saint if I could say so. Which I can, and will.” Sophie’s smile could make the most emotionally stony person melt, and Biana’s not even close to stone. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” 

.

As if one persistent crush of a friend wasn’t enough, Marella Redek refuses to give Biana’s heart a goddamn break. If there’s one thing that hits Biana harder than a girl with a skateboard, it’s a girl with a guitar.

And Marella’s got a guitar in her hands, the bright red shoulder strap catching some of cer gold streaked hair beneath it. Biana wants to wall over and free the strands, and maybe just brush aer fingers against Marella’s neck just to see what’ll happen. 

Ae busies aerself cleaning the counter, letting that idea be scrubbed out by the smell of bleach mixed with water. 

Marella’s band sets up for the nighttime show, the coffee shop practically empty before the flood of people Biana knows will come to watch them play. 

“Wait, where the hell is Keefe?” Stina says suddenly, stopping her messing with her keyboard. Linh looks up with a deceivingly innocent smile and Biana knows the answer long before Linh says a word. 

“With my brother, catching a ride.”

Maruca snorts. “Oh yeah? Did Tam get a skateboard big enough for the two of them?” 

“Unless he went to the store in the last hour, no, he didn’t.” 

Marella laughs and catches Biana’s eye from across the room, cer eyes reading Can you believe those two? plainly. Biana rolls her eyes and mouths a Nope, the shape of the word tarnished by the smile on her lips. But Marella seems to know the word well enough to smile a smile Biana swears contains the whole sun. 

Biana looks away before ce can see aer blush. The bell on the door dings and a yell of

“Took you long enough, Heslege!”

from Stina lets Biana know Keefe’s finally here, Tam most likely following in suit, ready for the shift he practically begged Jensi to let him trade. Jensi had smirked with all the smugness of a mob boss and said

“We can definitely trade shifts, Tam.”

Tam rushes to Biana near the counter, pointedly ignoring Keefe lean dramatically against Stina for a small jab from Marella. His cheeks are red, from the skateboard tucked under his arm or the blond warming up a few feet away, Biana can’t tell.

“Hey Loverboy, how was the ride over?” Biana asks quietly. Tam punches aer arm.

“Shut up.”

“Oh, that good?”

Tam glares at aer, to which Biana smiles sweetly. Tam eventually sighs and leans over to Biana.

“He caught me when I fell, Biana. In his arms. And he held me there for a second. I swear to god I almost fucking died.”

“God, Tam, it’s like you’re in a rom com. Next thing you know he’ll be dedicating his newest love song to you.” 

Tam rolls his eyes. “That’ll happen when pigs fly.”

“I can make that happen,” a new voice buts in. One with a smirk on cer lips and laughter in cer eyes. “Little glue and a crane or wires, I can make a pig fly.”

Both Biana and Tam turn red at Marella’s light voice, though for very different reasons. Biana laughs along, hoping Marella doesn’t notice the tint in aer cheeks. 

“Bit hot here, Biana?” Tam asks. Ae throws the rag at Tam, soaking wet rag smacking the middle of his shirt. 

“Dude!”

“I was just laughing at our friendly neighborhood hopeless romantic,” Biana laughs nervously. 

“Someone’s got to,” Marella laughs.

“I’m going to spit in your next coffee, Redek,” Tam warns, a laugh in his eyes with his cheeks red. 

“Be my guest, Tam, I’ll have Keefe try it first.” Marella laughs, then smacks the counter, leaning back off it. “I’d better get back there, band’s gotta practice and they’d fall apart without me, naturally.”

Ce winks at Biana before turning around, turning cer sun-smile back to the band, but with the way it changes, Biana can think just for a second, that ce had one just for aer. 

But no, that would be ridiculous. Marella smiles like that for everyone, minuscule changes or not.  

.

“Sophie, Sophie, please tell me that ae’ll realize soon. I winked at aer. I winked. Do you even know how stupid I felt? Tam saw! Tam was looking at me while I flirted with aer,” Marella rants into cer phone. 

Cer guitar is in it’s case, amp stuffed in a duffle bag hanging off Marella’s side. Ce tosses cer keys up and down, only a few blocks from cer apartment.

“I don’t know, ae’s worse than I was.”

“Now, I wouldn’t go that far, Soph. I had to ask to kiss you for you to go ‘Hey! Maybe Marella likes me!’.”

Marella fumbles with opening the door to cer apartment complex. 

“I’m not that bad!” A moment of paused, only Marella’s small laugh filling the space. “Okay, maybe I am.”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, I’m that bad.”

.

Biana, like an idiot, had decided to come to the coffee shop on aer day off. While Marella’s playing and Sophie’s in the crowd, skateboard leaning on his chair and bandaids covering her arms and hands. 

“Sit next to Sophie,” Jensi says, a fond shake of his head. “She doesn’t bite, at least to my knowledge. Though, one can never be sure with blondes.”

“What do you have against blondes?” Biana laughs, aer face twisting into confusion. A look so serious it has to be a joke falls onto Jensi’s face.

“Nobody has hair that light naturally, I call witchcraft.” Jensi slides Biana’s coffee across the counter and shakes his head. “Now, go sit with him or I’ll pick you up and put you in his lap.”

“You can’t even pick me up!”

“Yeah, but Dex can and xe owes me for taking his shift so he could be annoying somewhere else.”

“Thanks for that, by the way. Xe came over and spent the night, xe and Fitz were the worst. It’s like they want to remind me how horribly single I am.”

“Go sit with Sophie and you won’t be.”

“Fuck you, Jensi.”

Ae goes to sit by Sophie anyway, gaining a soft punch from Sophie when she sits down. A smile too, bright and warm just like always. There’s not much speaking, not that Biana minds. 

It’s nice just sitting next to Sophie, watching Marella dance around the best ce can with a guitar. But then Marella takes the microphone from Keefe after a song, letting him wander off stage (probably towards Tam, Biana’s willing to bet). 

“Keefe bet me ten bucks I he would confess to his crush first, and I want a coffee tonight and only have ten bucks, so here we go.” Sophie’s smiling like a madman, elbowing Biana like he wants to make sure ae’s listening. “So, Biana, after way too much flirting, I would like to formally announce I like you and me and Sophie would like to take you on a date.”

“What.” The perfect thing for Biana to say in that moment.

“You suck! I didn’t bring money!” Keefe yells, in the middle of dramatically dipping down to his knee in front of time.

“Yeah, yeah, keep going Lover Boy. Now, what do you say Biana?”

There’s a lot of heartfelt things Biana could be saying in this moment, and probably a lot of things ae should say. Instead, ae yells:

“I want to choose the place!”

Sophie and Marella laugh, Sophie throwing an arm over Biana’s shoulder. 

“You’ve got yourself a deal, Bee,” they both say with a laugh. Keefe stays off stage for the next song, Marella taking over vocals with a voice that’s as rough as sandpaper in a lovely way.

“Ce wrote this one for you,” Sophie whispers.

Biana finds ae believes it.

[ravs6709]

All This Love (I'll Show You How It Feels)- Ambiguous Kam

Word count: 2.8k words

To ink @soryasongsaa !!! Happy late birthday! Have some kam fake dating shenanigans because it hit my brain and I couldn't not write it <3 it was fun as hell to write and I hope you enjoy it just as much

Also he/they keefe!!!

Warnings: swearing, and vaguely suggestive scene except it'd also just crack

•~•~•~•~•~•

Tam thought that it'd been a perfectly normal day. It had been a perfectly normal day. It was 11 p.m., he was in his room and had no reason to interact with anyone, so really, the day should have ended completely normal.

And then there was a knock on his window.

(Oh, of course when the window mesh was damaged, that's when all the nonsense happened.)

He grabbed some old, heavy as hell, textbook in one hand and opened the curtains with the other, then the window, ready to knock the intruder to the ground.

When he saw a glimpse of messy blond hair, he nearly smacked the intruder out of instinct, but barely managed to refrain.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked Keefe, who was casually sitting on the narrow ledge of Tam's window. "Give me a reason to not just shove you off."

Keefe guffawed. "Bangs Boy, is this a death threat?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's not a long fall."

(...he would know, he accidentally fell out one time when he was younger.)

He raised an eyebrow. "A favour."

"Ugh, fine, I have a favour. Can't let me be dramatic in peace."

They nodded. "A favour. Unless you want me to go to Linh instead-"

Tam yanked them by the arm and pulled them in. "Do not." Ignoring Keefe's yelp, he continued. "You want me to do some last minute assignment due tomorrow?"

They rolled their eyes. "I wish. I'd have just gone to Fitzy. Unfortunately, I can only ask this of you, because I'm in a much, much more dire-"

"Get on with it. You're interrupting my sleep."

They laughed. "Sleep? You were just gonna stay up until 2am playing a gacha game."

Keefe scowled briefly, then their features shifted into that really annoying expression they got when they were planning something. "Be my boyfriend."

Tam blinked. The expression on their face didn't change. The clock on his wall kept ticking.

"What?"

"Be my boyfriend," Keefe repeated, as if this wasn't the most inane thing they'd ever said, and they'd said some really inane things over the two years that Tam has known them for.

"I know what you said. But let me repeat myself. What."

Their expression schooled into something serious, and Tam decided he wasn't going to throw them out of his window.

"It's fake dating, not a real relationship," they said, "just to clarify."

Never mind. The window was back to being appealing.

"Why."

They shrugged. "To piss off my dad?"

Tam sighed. "Alright, fine, that's understandable. Why the hell are you asking me? You know Sophie would be down for pissing him off."

"I know. But Daddy Dearest himself said I should get a girlfriend."

Tam scrunched his face in disgust. "He actually told you that?"

"It was so awkward, I didn't even know how to snark my way out of what."

"Okay, fine. A boyfriend. Fitz?"

"And interrupt whatever weird Fitzphie pining is going on?" They scoffed. "Another reason I can't date Foster, by the way."

He nodded. "Dex?"

Their expression went serious again. "For... personal reasons, I can't. So really, that leaves you, Bangs Boy, as my final and only candidate." They sighed dramatically. "So. Be my boyfriend?"

He raised an eyebrow. "How does this work? Do I go to your dad's house and hold your hand? Kiss you on the cheek?"

They both grimaced at that. Yeah, no.

"Uhhh, it'd be nice if it were that simple. We gotta like, do a full pretense. Date at school and all that."

He narrowed his eyes. "You want the whole school to know we're dating?"

They nodded. "Yeah, and our friends should believe it too."

"Why the fuck do they have to believe it's real?"

They waved a hand. "They're shit at keeping secrets. You know this. Daddy Dearest is also great at sensing lies, so the less people to lie to him, the better."

This went from mildly annoying to getting on his nerves. "You're annoying."

This was insane. He had to pretend to date Keefe, and make it believable to his friends. He had to fool Linh. "I'm not kissing you."

They gagged. "Ew, hell no. Are you stupid? Who needs to flaunt kissing to prove they're a couple? Bangs Boy, you read too many romance novels."

"Shut up, or I won't date you."

"...you were going to agree this fast?"

"No," he lied.

Obviously he didn't actually want to date Keefe, but they clearly didn't want to do it either, seeing as he was a last (and only) resort. The fact that they actually came to him meant that this was at least kind of serious.

"How long is this supposed to last?"

"I'm gonna move out once I start college. Then give it another month or so, we can break up saying the distance was too much for us."

Tam had to say, for how impulsive and absolutely reckless this fake dating thing sounded, it sounded like they'd thought a lot of this through.

He weighed the pros and cons of this in his head.

Cons: he had to fake date Keefe. He'd have to swallow his pride and be a little affectionate towards them. He'd have to be believable. Keefe would make fun of him. Linh would tease the hell out of him. His parents wouldn't be the happiest with him when they found out.

Pros: He'd have to watch Keefe swallow their pride in order to be affectionate. And they were a very physically affectionate person. He'd get to make fun of them back. He could say he got a boyfriend before Linh could get herself a girlfriend (it was fake and they came to him but that didn't matter). His parents wouldn't actually do anything, might send a few judgemental looks, but he'd long learned to not care about those. He didn't even have to worry about the breakup story.

"How are we going to convince our friends we're in love?" Tam asked. "We hate each other."

To his utter surprise, their face turned red. "Um. There's a non-zero chance that at least one of our friends think I have a thing for you."

"What."

"Weird conversation in a groupchat for that gacha game Linh plays. Denying it made it worse."

"What."

"And since Marella and Biana play it too, they might actually be convinced too-"

"What."

"It is not my fault if I think a fictional character who happens to look like you is hot-"

Tam put a hand over their mouth. "Please," he said, his voice oddly strained to his ears, "shut up."

Keefe nodded, their face growing warm to the touch. Tam removed his hand, and Keefe scowled at him. "We never speak of this again."

Tam nodded sagely.

•~•~•~•~•~•

So that conversation had happened on Sunday night, and now it was Monday morning, and Tam had to go to school. It felt like a blessing now more than ever that they were in different grades, because it meant they only saw each other at lunch or at the school's strings ensemble.

When lunch came, Keefe was at the lunch table already, so he just sat beside him.

Linh raised an eyebrow, and sat opposite of him. "Strange."

Marella, who sat beside her shrugged. "If it means they won't play footsies again, I'll take it."

Tam glanced at Keefe, wondering if this was a good opportunity to say something, but the idea of a public announcement of dating was so weird. How do you even make that kind of announcement when neither of you showed interest in the other?

(Well, ignoring... what Keefe had said. That didn't count.)

He had no desire to kiss him on the lips, a cheek kiss was less weird but still way too excessive. Handholding was probably not a bad idea, but when it came to the two of them, it seemed too quick, too fast.

Keefe kicked his foot. Tam kicked it back. The angle was weird because they were sitting beside each other instead of on opposite sides, but clearly, that wasn't stopping Keefe.

"They're at it again," Biana said, from where she was sitting beside Keefe.

When Keefe's foot knocked into his again, Tam hooked his ankle around Keefe's. He glanced at him from his peripheral vision, and noted the almost wide-eyed look. It was such a minor action, but it seemed to have stunned him.

Linh hummed, looking straight at Tam, before her eyes flicked down as she leaned back, peeking under the table.

Tam hid his smile as he continued eating. Maybe this could be fun.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Well. Unlike Tam, who was going for subtlety with his under the table, before building up to something more, Keefe had no intention on that. Which, he really should have expected.

They'd been a little quiet during their group study session/hangout at the Vackers, but it wasn't until they'd slid a paper onto his notebook did he understand why.

Tam picked up the sheet of paper and looked at it. It was a sketch from a pencil, the lines smooth as it depicted a soft looking picture. A picture of Tam doing some of his work, a slight smile on his face, probably a relieved smile from when he'd managed to figure out an answer to a question earlier.

"This..." Tam began, lost on what to say.

"Felt like drawing you," they replied, as if that was a proper answer.

And if that wasn't enough, they then grabbed his hand and brought it to their cheek. For a moment, he almost thought that they'd bring his hand to their lips, but fortunately, they did not do that. "Your hand's cold," they murmured, "but it feels nice."

"You are... very shameless."

He thought that they'd struggle more to be affectionate with him. Then again, they were always one to defy expectations.

"What?" Sophie asked, and not just her, but the rest of his friends were staring at them. "Since... when?"

"It's not unexpected," Linh said neutrally, looking at Tam. "The more surprising thing is that I didn't get to know beforehand. That being said, I also want to know how long."

"Last night," Tam replied. "Came to my window like they're in some romantic drama, then confessed their undying love for me. The absolute sap."

He hid his smile as he glanced at their briefly scowling face. And because they hated being outdone, they had to add, "Well, you should've seen the look on his face. The cute blush, the wide eyes, the way his voice lowered as he told me how he hated me but still couldn't help loving me."

He glared. It wasn't as chilled as it usually was, which was a testament as to how surprisingly calm he felt. If this had been even yesterday, there was a relatively high chance of this devolving into a fistfight.

•~•~•~•~•~•

During one of Tam's grocery shopping sessions, he'd been browsing through the snack aisle. He usually only came here every once in a while to stock up on some relatively low sugar cookies. As he walked down the aisle, he spotted a certain brand of cookies.

("Bangs Boy," Keefe whined over the phone, because for some reason, Tam decided to accept his call instead of denying it like he normally did. "I'm out of cookies and the store doesn't have more in stock."

"That sounds like a you problem," Tam told him.

"Such a mean boyfriend, you are. I've got the worst boyfriend."

"Sure, sure," he said absently, because he'd been paying more attention to the show that he'd been watching before he got the phone call.)

Without thinking, he grabbed a box and tossed it into the shopping basket. He paid for his stuff and shoved it into his backpack, then walked over to Keefe's house.

He probably could just enter the front door, but at this point it was almost 9:30 p.m. and he didn't feel like coming across Keefe's dad. There was an easy to climb tree, and it was definitely easier than getting to his own window.

The mesh was attached, but the window had been opened slightly, and Tam could hear the sound of a violin playing.

Now, he was no stranger to Keefe's playing, he heard it every time during their strings ensemble club meeting. He was even familiar with Keefe playing to only him. But there had always been an audience, and when there was an audience, there was always the need to play a certain way.

He couldn't see Keefe at this moment, but he could imagine the lack of tension in his posture, could imagine closed eyes as he immersed himself fully.

On your own, when there was no one to hear other than yourself, there was a lack of restraint, there was a vulnerability. He knew it from hearing Linh play cello, but hearing it from Keefe, it was...

The flash of a camera blinded him.

"You look like a creep, staring from my window," Keefe said.

"You play well," Tam blurted.

His mouth parted into a small gape, and Tam had expected a reply of 'obviously' or 'you finally admit it, Bangs Boy?' but he didn't say anything, eyes wide.

"Soo, why are you here?" Despite the words, he took down the mesh and let Tam in. "Surely it wasn't to act like a creepy stalker."

Tam pulled out the box of cookies and threw it at him, annoyed by the ease of which he caught it.

"Oh my god, a present?" Keefe gasped dramatically. "I've changed my mind. You're the best boyfriend!"

"Don't expect this to happen often. I just happened to be shopping."

Still though, Keefe was grinning, ice blue eyes gleaming, as he hastily opened the box and took out a pack. "Thanks, Bangs Boy!" There was a sense of genuine happiness, none of that smugness, none of that bravado, and it wasn't often that Tam was the one to make him that happy.

While Keefe was busy pleasantly eating his cookies, Tam snatched his phone out of his pocket.

"Hey, what the hell—hah, you don't know my password!"

Tam quickly entered his fingerprint—because he'd managed to sneak it on and was saving it for an important moment—and he opened the photos app.

Upon realizing this, Keefe tackled him. They both fell on to the bed.

"When the hell did you get your fingerprint on?"

"I'm not telling you."

They wrestled on the bed for the phone. Their hands fumbled as they aggressively grabbed at each other.

"Delete that picture."

"Hell no!"

They continued wrestling, as Tam managed to pin him down on the bed. It was only when Keefe stopped struggling when he realized the position that they were in.

And then the door opened.

"Keefe—" the sound of Cassius Sencen's voice cut off.

And if that wasn't horrifying enough...

"Oh, dad, can't you see you're interrupting something?" Then he cupped Tam's face in his hand.

Tam didn't dare look back to actually see Cassius's face, but there was an awkward silence and then he could hear footsteps leave.

"Keefe," Tam let out a breath. He was frozen in shock. "What the fuck what that?"

He grinned. "I was planning to pretend to kiss you in front of him anyway, this could not have gone better."

"Your dad thinks you and I are..."

"Tell me it isn't hilarious."

"It is. But I'm going to be horrified anyway because what the fuck. I'm leaving. Also, delete that picture or else I'm telling Sophie about your fictional crush."

"Hey—we agreed we'd never speak of that again!"

•~•~•~•~•~•

When Tam opened his locker at school, he was not expecting a crap on of drawings of him pasted on the walls by magnets, but somehow, he wasn't surprised.

"And you call me the creepy stalker," Tam said to Keefe.

"This is revenge for you getting your fingerprint on my phone."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure you've been here before."

They sighed. "Yeah, you're right."

•~•~•~•~•~•

During lunch, Keefe had a physics test soon that they were now whining about.

"I should've dropped out," they wailed. "What if I ditch the test?"

"Hey," Tam said, leaning over to rest a hand on their head, ruffling their hair a little bit. "You'll be fine. You've done better with less studying."

Keefe relaxed into his touch, and he wondered when this became normal. Physical touch wasn't necessarily his thing, but he'd noticed that Keefe was very receptive to it. And he was more fine giving it, comparing to receiving. It even made Keefe less annoying when they got this comfortable.

This whole fake-dating thing was... kind of fun. He found he didn't mind if Keefe dragged him on random outings or showed up at his window at 11 p.m.

He didn't mind keeping up this pretense.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Kotlc taglist: @stellarune @my-swan-song @impostertamsong @subrosasteath

Want to be added/removed from the tag list? Just let me know!

[svtellify]

the star only rises at nightfall 💫 : dissecting my kotlc playlist

playlist can be found here! 

1. stay awake by skott

“i need it to hurt, need it to burn, need it to burn. once, we had a dream. we once had a dream. this dream was all that i could see.” 

despite how pretty this song is, it’s for the neverseen. i think the lyrics above in particular suit fintan, although it honestly matches anyone in the neverseen. they’re unhinged and see their vision as the be all end all - a dream that’s all they can see.

2. set myself on fire by taeyeon

“i'll warm up your cold heart; i'm gonna set myself on fire.”

tbh, i chose this song for the title and the chorus (“even if i smile brighter, i’m still sad.”) and the general vibes of the song, but i think the line above really suits the self sacrificing vibe that sophie and her friends have for each other - it doesn’t have to be just the romantic pairings - they all love each other.

3. gilded lily by cults

“but with my double vision, how was i supposed to see the way? haven’t i given enough?”

this one’s pretty self explanatory, i think. the song fits all of the main characters, from sophie and keefe and fitz to mr. forkle and oralie and grady. also, this line reminds me of keefe especially - “always the fool with the slowest heart.”

4. astronomical by svrcina

“there’s something inside of me i can’t fight. forces of gravity taking me, taking me. weightlessness forsaking me, this pull is astronomical. can anybody stop me?”

this was one of the first artists i associated with kotlc when i first started reading the series. it was only natural that they released a song that suited sophie’s drive and endless desire to change the lost cities for the better.

5. winterfall by dpr ian

“now, i get what you mean when it hurts you. now, i get what you mean when you want to feel. oh, i get it. no, i get it. [...] you’re the only one who made me feel like something.”

keefe sencen, y’all. could apply to his feelings for sophie or the way his mom just continues to use him with no regard for his personal being. 

6. running by trafton

“truth is, i’ve been wishing in your name right from the start. twice a day, and lately on a star. i know you’ve been running, running, running, running, running from yourself.”

this one’s keefe again (can you tell he’s my favorite character?) but maybe a little more from an outsider point of view, watching him cope with what’s thrown at him. also suits early sophie struggling to accept whether the black swan was good or not, or whether a band of murderers made her.

7. a place you’ve been by trafton

“nothing, like that won't get me started up again. my homeland, a place you've been.”

grady and edaline towards brant. the ultimate - and best written betrayal.

8. gone by trafton

“but you're gone and i'm lost. come tell me i'm wrong and please don't be gone.”

when everyone thought they lost alden in exile. the black swan when they did lose prentice. mr. forkle to his brother.

9. dead flowers by rivals

“i see the world in a new light. dead flowers in my hair - i finally don’t care! i’ve embraced the rain and i’m happy now.”

an edaline anthem if i’ve ever heard it. that moment where she overcomes her grief. also suits: biana, della, sophie, and wylie

10. don’t let me sleep by stella jones + trafton

“don’t let me sleep. i know what it means: my dreams will all come true - i’ll wake up without you.”

neverseen keefe and sophie type beat anyone?

11. half by pvris

keefe, sophie: “some days, i feel everything. others are numbing.” fitz, linh: “can never find the in between - it’s all or nothing.” dex, biana, tam: “i never never never said i wanted. never wanted to be here now.”

i fully believe this song can relate to anyone in kotlc, depending on the verse.

12. bubble by lennon stella

“up high in my bubble i’m floating. [...] i climb into my bubble; it can’t be broken.”

that one scene on the nightfall cover with linh, sophie, and keefe. but also sophie emotionally breaking down and seeking out that safe place. 

13. supernova by rivals

“these stars are clusters. a waste of time that i won’t miss.”

sandor never misses. the song, though, reminds me of the elves waking up to how broken their society really is. 

14. brainstorm by alexander 23

“how bad’s the weather in your head? wish you could stay with me instead.”

such a sokefe song. i can practically picture that scene where keefe bends down to see how sophie is doing after the forkle twin reveal.

15. emotional machine by marina 

“i’m a machine - an emotional being, since i was a teen.”

fitz vacker, y’all.

16. change your mind by said the sky + vancouver sleep clinic

“if i could only turn back time, i would bring us back to life. if i could only change your mind, we’d stay young and never die.”

forkle to his twin. oralie to kenric. grady and edaline to jolie. and maybe even jolie to brant.

17. family line by conan gray

“oh, all that i did to try to undo it. all of my pain and all your excuses. i was a kid but i wasn’t clueless (someone who loves you wouldn’t do this!) all of my past, i tried to erase it. but now i see, would i even change it. might share a face and share a last name but (we are not the same!).”

i don’t even need to put the lyrics here for y’all to know this is about keefe and the sencens and tam and linh and the songs.

18. hall of fame by the script

“you can move a mountain, you can break rocks.”

gethen lol. but also an ode to the moonlark’s power.

19. infinity by jaymes young

“meet me at the bottom of the ocean where time is frozen - where all the universe is open.”

but also the vibes are v mysterious and suit the black swan in the early keeper books sonically (the black swan is not in love) ((this is actually bc i wrote a sokeefe fic inspired by this song))

20. marchin on by onerepublic

“there’s so many wars we fought. there’s so many things we’re not. but with what we have, i promise you that we’re marchin’ on.”

21. human by of monsters and men

“when the words weight heavy on the heart, i am lost and led only by the stars.”

lightleaping by the forbidden stars. also a song from when i first started reading the series.

22. elephant ears by unlike pluto

“say your thoughts when you think i won’t hear, but nothing gets by these elephant ears.”

23. wolves without teeth by of monsters and men

“oh, you’re feeding on my energy, i’m letting go of it - she wants it.”

a little like the push and pull of the water to linh, or how enhancing an ability would feel.

24. blue by taeyeon

“you’re my blue - just like always.”

ik the color is green for kotlc and grieving, but blue is in honor of someone close to the singer who passed away, so i thought the song was fitting. especially since all elves have blue eyes, it was another connection.

25. lifted by birdy

“won’t you lead the way through my darker days? keep them softly spoken.”

26. you’re the sea by andrew belle

“each time we leave, i think about it. what if we don’t come back? if all of this is chasing the wind, why is my head like that? am i to believe? am i to admit? that you’re the sea.”

keefe to sophie, for the latter lyrics, but also just the general fear they all face every time they have a near death experience.

27. purple circles by jades goudrealt

“can’t control my thoughts when i’m out of my mind. it’s lonely but it’s art. i guess i’ll be fine.”

sophie foster, y’all.

28. alone in a battlefield by nineteen90 + lilu 

“one round and it’s done. standing alone in a battlefield.”

29. lavenders by rivals

“all i smell are lavenders, as the world burns down, around me.”

that scene where kenric dies. idk if the tower was actually purple but i’ve been picturing it to be purple, and they claim that everblaze smells different from other fires. 

30. insane by neykid

“when i lie awake, i hear them call my name. am i crazy?”

another neverseen anthem. alvar/ruy ignis type beat. also suits lady gisela.

31. what you’re made of by lindsey stirling + kiesza

“lost yourself inside a broken mirror ‘cause that’s what you fear.”

the events of lodestar, perhaps.

32. nightshift by mothica

“then i go nightshift, like this. don’t cross me ‘cause i don’t miss.”

grizel. lady gisela. also edaline. and della. and juline. and all the powerful women of kotlc.

33. fear by one republic

“when we were children, we’d say that we don’t know the meaning of fear.”

34. trouble by coldplay

“so, i turned to run. all the stupid things i’d done - and i never meant to cause you trouble. i never meant to do you wrong. i, well, if i ever caused you trouble. oh no, i never meant to do you harm.”

keefe to sophie. also mr. forkle to sophie. and sophie to her friends. juline to the dizznees.

35. pyrokinesis by 7chariot

“we could set the world on fire using only our minds. pyrokinesis, we hurt each other without even trying.”

36. star by mothica

“you’re gonna be a star girl, don’t you know? burn so bright and beautiful. how far girl, will you go? climbing up that pedestal. to be so tragic and rare, they all stop and stare, looking right through you.”

biana vacker, y’all. also sophie and marella.

37. moonlit by rivals

“it’s me against the rest. i’m reaching through the darkness - is anybody out there?”

tam and linh song, y’all.

38. fire in my bones by fleurie

“pulses push the limits, testing my resistance.”

dex dizznee, y’all.

39. dangerous by rivals

“these demons knock on my door but they don’t dare come in ‘cause they know what’s best for them. they wanna rip out my soul but they can’t break skin cause i, i know i’m dangerous.”

sophie! freaking! foster!

40. r.e.m.

“and i don’t want to push you away but i still relive every moment, hoping you don’t notice, you just tripped a red light in my mind.”

keefe to his past memories of his mom. sophie to the black swan’s erased/hidden memories. fitz and biana to alvar. grady and edaline to brant.

41. my blood by ellie goulding

“and god knows i’m not dying but i bleed now. and god knows it’s the only way to heal now.”

42. conspiracy of silence by the swoons

“don’t know where you side. there’s blood in your eyes. will you weapon your skin, feed the monster within? or put up a fight?”

keefe about his mother’s legacy. the vackers on their legacy. grady with his ability. sophie with her abilities and physically fighting.

43. wildwood by fleurie

“deep sleep battles underneath the moon.”

keefe to sophie lol (also bc of the colonies!!)

[uni-seahorse-572]

my heart a fool and yours laid bare (part 3)

*comes back after an accidental month-long hiatus with starbucks the final part of a fic I meant to finish months ago*

they love each other soooo much your honor. anyway this is half angst, half terrible metaphors, and all unedited! enjoy.

also, read on ao3! taglist (aka those who are cursed to deal with my tomfoolery): @song-tam @gay-otlc @xanadausaus @synonymroll648 (lmk if you'd like to be added / removed!)

“Fitz has a point,” Sophie says quietly. Keefe turns, frown etched across his features, the whole world distant: like something seen through the window. He gets the odd sense that he’d like to paint it, the way everything stretches out around him, compress it to still, 2D shapes to match the syrupy slowness with which his head is spinning. He can’t comprehend anything well enough; he thinks he’d like a week or two to catch back up and relearn how to think. “You are kind of an asshole.”

He flinches. Before she’d spoken, he’d forgotten she was there at all. His vision had narrowed to Fitz’s vanishing back and the terrifying lack of his emotions thrumming between them. “I didn’t…” Keefe starts, then stops, falling into silence. Where did he even go wrong?

Fitz is in love with Sophie. Sophie is in love with Fitz. Both of those things are apparent to anyone who knows them. It doesn’t even take being an Empath. Keefe had thought his efforts to get them together were, if not a totally flawless display of matchmaking, a selfless endeavor rooted entirely in his desire to make his best friend happy. After all, none of this had been for him. He knew and knows too well that Fitz will leave him someday. Fundamentally, Fitz is the good one, the golden one, and inevitably he was going to wake up and realize that one day. This mission of Keefe’s had only served to advance that date further, but of course it would always be too soon, so at least he had meant to make up for all the times he’d been a burden by virtue of who he was. That’s what Keefe does: he’s the screw-up, the one who can’t help but bring the world crashing down around everyone foolish enough to get close to him’s ears no matter how well-intentioned he is.

And now he’s done it again. Typical.

Amidst the swirling chaos in his mind, Keefe can’t figure out what to voice, so he settles on, “I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, you really don’t.” Sophie’s sigh errs a little too close to Lady Gisela’s. It’s the same one his mother always makes when she’s internally bemoaning the fact that she’s cursed to have a son who can’t do anything right. At least it’s kinder than Lord Cassius’s. “Look, this isn’t my damn problem. I’d just recommend the two of you work it out sooner rather than later.” Her face softens. “The two of you have something special. I’d hate to see this be the breaking point.”

Keefe watches her go, too. He shakes his head hard, like if he does it violently enough he’ll set it to rights again and things will resume making sense. There are few things he could ever say he knows for certain, but this is one: it was always going to end like this. Melodramatic, that, yet true regardless. He’d figured he had more time. At least solitude is familiar. He’s not the kind of person who can make anyone stick around.

Around him, the party still sways together, Yasmin Hadi being dipped on the dancefloor by a boy he vaguely recognizes. She’s grinning, beaded bracelet glinting proudly around her wrist. The crowds around her share the same subtle jubilance. Keefe wishes he could say he’s happy at least today will end well for someone, for everyone he didn’t sink his cursed claws into, but he isn’t. He wishes, too, that he could scream out this ache onto the universe or that it might let him return to an hour ago.

Wishes, his father would say, are the currency of fools and useless dreamers.

~

Alongside Empathy often develops a skill at reading emotions merely from the face and body language. This is a well-known fact, particularly when regarding those the Empath in question has used their ability on before. Slowly, associations build between what the ability and what the eyes pick up, resulting in an uncanny perception.

As such, Lady Merewyn knows the moment Keefe steps foot into his session that something is wrong, and not only because he’s on time for once in his life. He can see that knowledge on her face, too, and he wonders why Empathy must always feel like a curse rather than a gift. Who ever figured being doomed to know too much could ever end well?

“Is the cataclysm upon us so soon? It isn’t like you to be so early.” Lady Merewyn says wryly, though she gives him no time to respond to the friendly jibe before descending into that dark, dark realm of seriousness. “Keefe, whatever’s going on… is it something I can help with?”

He rolls his eyes resolutely, dropping down across from her into his usual bean bag. “Just a spat with a friend is all. Don’t worry about it. We can get on with learning about, uh…” Wracking his brain about today’s lessons plans, Keefe’s unsurprised to find nothing in there about his Empathy sessions at all—he supposes that no teacher could ever make him truly care about schoolwork. “The, um, thing.”

Lady Merewyn chuckles, seemingly despite herself. “I think ‘the thing’ can wait another couple of days. Whatever’s going on, though, it’s not a ‘just’ if you’re this upset about it.”

“I’m not—”

“Don’t lie to the Empath,” she says sagely. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but I want you to know I’m giving you the chance now if you want it.”

Keefe stews in silence, engaging in a furious staring match with one of the posters on the wall with its ironically adorable alligator cartoon and idiotic ‘positive message’. He wonders who’d win in a battle of quiet. He could refuse to speak at all for the rest of class, and what could she even do about it? She couldn’t make him talk about anything. He isn’t even convinced she’d go all out to stop him if he decided to just walk out the door right now. Quiet is easier.

Besides, how’s he even supposed to tell anyone else the whole, ugly story when he hardly understands what happened himself?

The minutes tick by. Lady Merewyn can be obstinate when she wants to be. The weight of her gaze prickles against his forehead. He taps against the floor, one-two one-two, and hates that the simple motion reminds him of Fitz. The last thing he wants to do is unload his shit on anyone else. Besides, what’s pushing away one more person now?

Yet the stillness eats at him. It troubles his insides and brings the memories rushing back in, of what Fitz’s love felt like pressed against his shoulder or cradled in their joined hands, of the echo of his voice fracturing with furious hurt. It makes him think, again and again and again, what am I missing?

“Do you ever think,” he starts, slow and careful, “that Sir Richard was right about Empaths?”

Lady Merewyn starts at the question. Her brows march steadily towards each other, curving into curiosity left unvoiced. “I can’t say that I have. Touch is important to most elves’ wellbeing, after all.”

“It’s not about that. It’s not about me.” His voice rises in steady frustration, directed intense at his mentor. His fists curl where they rest atop his lap. Keefe can feel their half-moon indentations in his palm. “What if Empathy does more harm than good?”

This quiets her yet longer, the gravity of the situation evidently clear, and each passing second pushes him closer towards clawing out of his own skin. There’s too much in him to settle easily, the heartbreak bearing heavy down and all he asks is to know whether he really does have only himself to blame.

“I don’t know how to answer that.” She sighs, and the irritation wells up in him again. “Knowing other’s emotions as intimately as we do can certainly create a lot of problems. But if we’re able to train ourselves to control the amount of attention we pay to our ability, there are certainly times when Empaths serve in incredibly important capacities.”

Wrong answer. Keefe needs a yes or no. Is what he can do worth it? Is he worth it? Everything he has ever known or been has made things worse. That can’t be worth it. This isn’t a complicated question; he can divide it easily into black and white. If Sir Richard was right all along… what does that make these last few years of his life? And what does that say about his relationship with Fitz, the one person he’d broken all the rules with? Fitz is the one truly good thing Keefe has. The only thing worse than losing him now would be the knowledge that the two of them never should have existed at all.

“Please tell me,” Lady Merewyn says, firm and slow, somewhere between invitation and instruction, “what happened.” Fire shines behind her eyes. He wonders, idly, what she thinks the answer will be. What she’d do if she was right.

Keefe holds onto his silence. Quiet, for him, is a strange beast. His thoughts have a habit of tumbling off his tongue whether he wants them to or not. He could run his mouth without stopping in an empty room, to someone who isn’t even listening, like his father’s stone wall facade or his mother’s distracted noises of vague disapproval—like she assumes that whatever he’s saying, she doesn’t need to hear it to know it’s not something she’d appreciate. Secret-keeping is a shot in the dark in the best of times, covered up by nonsensical prattle because he can’t keep completely silent. Keefe wrestles with his tongue, the effort of not speaking a battle in his mind, as he stares Lady Merewyn down and tries to figure out how long it’ll be before she gives up.

Everything he wants to say burbles up to the top of his mind. Buried feelings and hidden fears, lined up in the kind of eloquent phrasing he never actually manages to say, the kind of sentences that might just make someone understand. Keefe can play out how he thinks that conversation would go in his head. He can imagine Lady Merewyn or whatever supporting character his brain decides to supply magically knowing how to say the perfect reassurances, the right explanations, knowing how to make everything fall into place. The problem is he wants to. Keefe wants to so badly, to try and untangle what’s trapped within him, but even as the words teeter on cliff’s edge he bites his tongue.

The pain there is sharp. Instant. But it serves its purpose, a cruel reminder. Keefe has to be careful, even here, because the way things play out in his head is a fairytale. Reality would never be half so kind.

In the end, he starts with, “I messed up,” because that’s familiar territory, well-tread ground. It’s probably been years since he could say that sentence and have it be a lie. He twists his lips to one side, heart turning sour. “Bad. I don’t know what went wrong. I tried to help my friend, because of something I figured out through Empathy. Instead I kinda-sorta ruined everything.”

Lady Merewyn doesn’t react, a remarkable feat. He’ll have to ask her for a masterclass sometime. “I can see how that might cause an issue. Keefe… whatever your intentions were, it’s rarely a good idea to act on what your Empathy tells you. It doesn’t give the whole story. And, even with those you’re closest with, I’m afraid it can be a major violation of privacy. That kind of interference is too likely to be off the mark and easily goes too far. Maybe, whatever you thought you figured out, you were wrong.” The lecture lands a little too close to their first session together, the one on ethics. The one on respecting boundaries and approved Empathy uses. Keefe flinches, guilt trickling down from the crown of his head from having disregarded a rule among the most basic of his mentor’s teachings.

“I know that now,” he says, bitterly. Too late, anyway. Why’d anyone even bother to lay out groundrules for his ability? They should’ve known Keefe Sencen has never met a barrier he won’t break through. Especially when he really, really shouldn’t. “But what do I do?”

“To repair the relationship?” She shrugs, as though the answer’s simple. Not like he can carry out simple instructions anyway. “You apologize. You tell the truth. You find out if they’re willing to forgive, and if not, you respect their wishes.”

Keefe wants to say he isn’t sure what truths he has to tell. He wants to say there’s no point in asking if Fitz can forgive him, because he can’t, because they all know that this time Keefe has crossed a line he didn’t even know was there. He wants to say that he’s not even sure that’s a wish he’d be capable of respecting, because what is Keefe without Fitz? What’s a troublemaker without a golden boy, a screw-up without a prodigy, a reckless fool without an anchor?

What he says is “Okay.”

~

When Keefe reaches Everglen, he’s not the only one there; Sophie bumps into him on her way back through the glowing gates.

“Hi,” she says, voice a hair shy of fully flat. This is lucky, he supposes. He does have to apologize to her too. This conversation seems easier than the one ahead of him, at least. And after all, judging by the way she stands, arms crossed and weight resting fully to one side as she settles to standing just far enough away that it’s awkward, Sophie’s still upset too.

Her emotions wave through the air, tugging at the edges of his awareness. Keefe ignores them. “Look,” he starts, words too rushed and crashing together. He can’t look her in the eyes. He doesn’t think he’d like what he’d see there. “I’m sorry. I made a mistake, though I’m not entirely sure what it was. I took all of that way too far.”

“Yeah, you did.” Sophie’s tone runs him straight through. Without meaning to, he can feel the sour twist to the air, the rhythms of her frustration. “Did you even bother to consider what I thought?”

Keefe shakes his head. He hadn’t bothered to really puzzle through if the attraction was mutual on Sophie’s side. He’d just assumed. It had seemed obvious, at the time. Fitz liked her, and who didn’t like Fitz? Fitz has always been so easy to love. Easy when you don’t know him, the Wonderboy reigning over all of Foxfire, yet even easier when you do.

Sophie laughs. It’s not a happy sound. Instead it rings discordant between them, nearing eerie. “I had a feeling. For the record, I’m not interested in Fitz. I never was.”

“I’m sorry,” Keefe repeats, because it’s the best he has. He shifts his gaze upwards again. Her stare pins him down, assessing and dissecting him, accompanied only by the tapping of her fingers against her thigh through the long silence.

“Don’t worry about it. Just never mess around with my nonexistent love life again.” Sophie smiles a crescent moon sliver like a peace offering, finally holding her home crystal up to the light and shimmering away.

Once she’s gone, he breathes a little lighter again, the pressure clamped tight around his chest loosening.

If only this next part wasn’t going to be yet worse.

It’s by no means a short walk from the Everglen gates to Fitz’s bedroom, but at the same time it doesn’t prove long enough for Keefe to figure out what he wants to say. What’s the truth here, anyway? That Fitz was probably right when he called him an asshole? Somehow admitting as much seems an insufficient apology.

Over the course of his life, Keefe can admit he hasn’t apologized to people often. At least not willingly. Most of the people he might’ve said one to don’t matter to him enough to deserve one, and he can be obstinate when he needs to be. He’s mastered the art of gritting his jaw when one of his parents or mentors attempts to prod him into half-hearted remorse. Even with Fitz, all those other times before when Keefe had stuck his foot in his mouth or landed them both in hot water for a prank gone wrong, he rarely voiced any guilt—instead choosing to play it off as a joke or the like. Keefe possesses little experience in this arena.

The hallways of Everglen are blessedly empty, as per usual. For such a massive home, so few people live here that swathes of rooms always remain unused for months at a time (not that he can claim any better, coming from Candleshade, though there every resident generally wants nothing more than to entirely avoid being forced to endure one another’s presence).

By the time he knocks on the door, Keefe’s worked himself into spiral after spiral. It leaves him antsy.

“Go away, Biana,” Fitz calls from within. “I’m trying to focus.”

“Not Biana,” Keefe says, deciding that’s as good of an invitation as he’s going to get. He pushes the door open and steps inside, only hesitating momentarily on the threshold. “Biana wouldn’t have knocked.”

Fitz’s eyes shift, doe-wide, his entire posture stiffening like a glowstick cracking back into place. He sits at his desk, the light streaming through the open window to rest along the tops of his bookshelves and the wind stirring his papers. Various school supplies surround him; ink smudges litter his hands and one even clings to his forehead. It’s an achingly familiar sight, calling to mind thousands of days like it: the distinct feeling that they have been here before and will be again.

Hollow, he asks, “What are you doing here?”

Keefe doesn’t step forward. He figures, this way, with one hand still resting on the doorframe, Fitz can tell him to leave when things go sideways. “Can’t I stop by to visit a friend?”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he catalogs Fitz’s wince. It’s strange, the slight motion not being accompanied by a wave of emotions. Fitz’s face shutters, every trace of feeling vanishing quick as swiping lines drawn in sand back into smoothness. “I’m not doing this right now.”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Keefe blurts out. “I am, okay? I know I made a mistake. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Right,” Fitz scoffs. “You ‘didn’t mean it’. Keefe, you can’t do something that—that cruel and expect me to forgive you if you just waltz in here with a skeleton apology.”

The words don’t hurt so much as confound. Keefe can’t puzzle out their meaning. “What are you talking about? I wanted you to be happy. That’s all.”

“If you thought that would make me happy, then you don’t know me at all.” Fitz drops his gaze back to the papers on his desk. It’s final, his expression, the hard set of his face as he returns determinedly to filling lined pages with slanted scrawl.

Internally, Keefe runs through what he knows again. His best friend is furious at him. Sophie’s upset, too, because she hadn’t liked Fitz. What if that held true for both sides? What if Keefe had misread the situation, and now he’s ruined the most important friendship in his life through being too pushy in a plan only meant to make Fitz happy?

That almost makes sense. He can’t tell why it doesn’t.

Keefe steps forward, slowly, watching how Fitz’s shoulders rise up around his ears at his approach. This is a mistake, but that’s never stopped him before. He reaches out, fingertips brushing against the side of Fitz’s arms, and the faint contact gives way to feelings flooding forth.

The first he can pick out is hurt. It drips icy and sharp across his own insides. It swirls in the space around the two of them, choking out the air. There are few of Fitz’s emotions that Keefe isn’t fully familiar with, but this is one. Keefe has sensed it maybe twice before. He can’t begin to guess at what to do in the face of it. It’s his fault. Who else’s would it be? It’s always his fault. His hands aren’t made for holding something gently. His head wasn’t built for letting things go right. He doesn’t know what to do with every trace of goodness he gets close to, and for so long Fitz has been a blinding light against the dark. He makes Keefe feel whole.

Fitz whips out of his chair, stumbling backwards into his desk. “Stop acting like nothing’s changed. Things have changed, okay? I don’t know how else you expected this to end.”

“Not like this. I promise I just wanted to help you.” Keefe drags his fingers through his hair, offering up one of his patented smiles, tinged around the edges with thick smudges of exhaustion. “I swear I’m trying, but I don’t know what to do if I don’t even know what’s wrong.”

“Don’t lie to me like this,” Fitz whispers.

“I wasn’t,” Keefe protests automatically. He’s operating on smoke and guesses, facing his best friend without even knowing the source of the pain flickering behind his words. He digs deeper into what he’d managed to sense of Fitz’s emotions, pushing through the hurt to what’s underneath. His leg flicks out—just enough to brush against Fitz’s—and that’s all he needs to confirm it. The love’s still there, the same as he’d noticed before, drenched with syrupy bitterness that bleeds sour through the both of them. Fitz is in love with someone, but it’s not Sophie. Keefe had misread the situation. No wonder Fitz had been increasingly uncomfortable with each successive matchmaking attempt, though that still didn’t explain the depths of his present anger… And who else could it even be? Who else was Fitz close to, close enough to have that strong and easy bond? Who else could inspire such feelings of affection in Foxfire’s golden boy? Who else did Fitz seek out half as often, smile at a quarter as much, and who else won his rare, precious laughs?

“No. No, you don’t get to do this, okay?” Fitz’s voice rises unsteady in volume, fracturing down the center and wobbling at the edges. It spills over with warm, wet fury. He advances, with Keefe stepping backwards automatically in response, movements jerky in his shock. “Look, I’m sorry about my stupid feelings. Is that what you want me to say? I’m so fucking sorry you’ve had to deal with that all these years, but you crossed a line. You crossed every line. Was it funny, at least? To pretend you didn’t know what you were doing, to try and fix me, your poor little broken best friend and laugh on the inside because all along you knew?”

And all Keefe can think is oh. It makes a terrible kind of sense. All along—could Fitz have really…?

It doesn’t seem right. Yet the love Keefe sensed had been there before Sophie. Yet when it comes down to it, there’s no one closer to Fitz than Keefe. There’s no one else who Fitz’s mask comes completely off around with just one word or raised eyebrow. Keefe swallows hard. “I didn’t…”

There’s no sign that Fitz registers his pitiful deflection except for the further tightening of his jaw, the way he always holds back hurt. “You’re an Empath,” he snaps. “Of course you did. Of course you knew. And I tried, alright? I tried. I tried not to inconvenience you with how I felt about you, tried to get rid of how I felt every way I knew how. Maybe it just wasn’t enough for you, but I swear I tried.”

If it wasn’t obvious before, it’s clear now.

Fitz is in love with Keefe. Wherein he’s Keefe, wherein his best friend has been in love with him this whole time. Wherein Keefe’s ruined everything. Just like always. And even now that he knows the truth, he doesn’t know how to fix this.

Right. Fix this. Keefe needs to make this okay again. That’s all he can think of. He refuses to lose Fitz, not after everything. Certainly not like this.

When Fitz is angry like he is now, when everything he’s kept inside rises to the surface, it takes a lot to settle him. And all the while things in his head, Keefe knows, will only get worse and worse, an endless spiral leading him down and down as Fitz’s shame rises and his rationality deserts him yet further.

There’s only one answer, now that Keefe’s thought about it that way.

Without pausing to overthink it, or really to think it at all, in the first place, he leans forward. He kisses his best friend in the entire world—the best friend who’s apparently been in love with him without him knowing—and it’s warm, strange. Sweet.

By the time Keefe pulls away, Fitz has been stunned into silence, staring at him with a strange, raw wonder. It’s so desperately different from how closed-off he was merely a moment ago.

Like always, Keefe’s tongue moves faster than his brain. His words tumble out in a tangled jumble before he’s bothered to grapple with the revelations of the last few minutes. “I didn’t know, Fitz. I promise you I didn’t know, and I don’t know how, but I thought you liked Sophie. And I was sure that the only way I could repay you for having to deal with me all these years was making sure you were happy. I realize now that it was a mistake. Because I’m in love with you, too. I just didn’t know that either, but now that I do, I think everything’s making a whole lot more sense.”

“What?” Fitz’s voice comes out small and fragile as a baby bird, and Keefe knows now more than ever how easily he could break this moment, shatter the both of them more completely than could be repaired.

Keefe takes his hand, holding it as softly as he knows how. Fitz is there tucked next to his own heart once more, his feelings flowing gentle through where their skin meets, and then they’re there again—the two of them. And it’s like being young again. It’s like asking Fitz to be his person, all those years ago, something new blossoming between them, flowers made out of glass. “I’m sorry,” Keefe says. Those are the two best words he can offer. They always taste unfamiliar on his tongue, usually confined to the rhythm of his heartbeat rather than spoken aloud.

Fitz inhales shuddery and slow. “Please don’t be.” The way he looks at Keefe, it’s like he’s afraid hell disappear.

Sweet, cool wonder hums through their hands, Fitz’s emotions warm and heady as always, and that awe’s familiar—hauntingly so. Keefe recognizes it as the same awe that floods him when the light hits Fitz’s face just right, when they stay up into the night with hushed words landing alight in the darkness. He recognizes it now. Fitz carries an angel’s glow in his bones. Whatever he is it’s better than this world deserves, far more than someone like Keefe should ever be allowed to touch, luminescent. As long as Keefe has the honor of his presence e means to cling to Fitz as tightly as he can.

And that’s the strange thing. Why would Fitz feel that wonder too? Keefe has always been the lucky one between them. Sometimes he figures it’s only their friendship that makes him worth something.

“I can’t believe you never realized,” Fitz whispers.

“I guess I can be a bit of an idiot sometimes.” Keefe shakes his head, squeezing Fitz’s hand tighter in his own. He tries to memorize the contours of his fingers, every line on his palm. Sophie told him, once, that some humans believe those lines tell the future, but all Keefe can find in Fitz’s is a map towards home. “I’ll make it up to you, somehow. If you let me.”

His eyes warm, fond, Fitz leans forward on his toes and presses a faint kiss to Keefe’s forehead. “I don’t need any of that. I just need you.”

Heat fills Keefe from his toes to his head, flames flickering gentle against the inside of his skin. A strange lightness bobs in his mind, the faintness he associates with forgetting to drink water. His knees buckle. Fitz catches him, hands curling around his elbows, and then tugs him over to sit on his bed.

Keefe sighs. The world slows. This is the most right he’s ever felt in his own self. “I wish I’d known sooner.”

“Yeah,” Fitz says, “me too.”

His arm curls tighter around Keefe, and Keefe leans into his side. It’s new and it’s familiar, both at once, and—finally—Keefe knows they’re exactly on the same page.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hi quildira i was wondering if you had to kill off one main kotlc character who to be

Hello!! The first character that comes to mind is Keefe but I know that's just my brain being petty and annoyed at how Keefe is revered in so many fandom spaces. Though killing him off could be quite interesting...

Of the main group, I'm thinking either Dex or Tam. Dex because it could be an interesting circle for the story to take; he was the first one endangered and threatened via proximity to Sophie, and now he's the one dead. The Neverseen said to dispose of him and he got away, but now they've finally followed through. There's a lot of potential for reflecting on wishing they'd connected and included him more, and seeing just how much support work Dex was doing quietly/unnoticed that becomes obvious once he's no longer there to do it.

Tam because I think it's easier to get his character into the right situation. He already values certain others over himself, he's not his own priority, so that could be taken advantage of to have a really compelling sacrifice scene. Not that others wouldn't also sacrifice himself, but it feels more ingrained into his character than most. Interesting aftermath with guilt for whoever he sacrificed himself for (most likely Linh, but not for certain). Especially if Linh and he were still at odds when it happened and never got to make up.

Fitz could have a fascinating self-destruction arc as well, but I'm concerned that would be difficult to pull off without it becoming conflated with a killing off the other love interest situation.

if we include adults, I'm leaning towards Forkle or Oralie perhaps, though Bronte could be symbolic too. And I'm kinda waiting to see if Sandor will die. Those are other conversations, though. But upon first reflection, Dex or Tam is who I'm thinking :)

[crymeariveronceagain]

random kotlc headcanons:

Sophie: introvert, always been one, always will be one, lives and breathes in peace when she's alone, and leans on her one person's shoulders.

Keefe: extrovert. always.the traumatized boy likes people. so very very much. he is a social kinda guy. and he is the kind of person who would swing his arm around your shoulders and tell you his best joke on the way to class just to make you smile.

Fitz: introvert forced to behave like an extrovert. get out there and socialize like a real vacker. anyways he's so very tired. so very tired. let this kid sleep.

Biana: extrovert. bright, bubbly, but leaderly, strong, outgoing but in a way that makes connections, that makes people like you but only because you're smart on your feet and you know that a hundred loyal friends is a better bargain than a hundred dollars.

Tam: introvert forced to extrovert, gotta vibe with those parents and, socialize! talk to people! and leave your sister alone make some real friends and get it together, stop whining, you need to be better. and aren't you more important than your stupid sister, get out here. and be smarter be kinder be more fun to be around talk to people make more friends be everything we need you to be and are you insane? why are you reading, go talk to people, your report card says you're a pleasure to have in class but you need to make friends, tam, only disgraces don't talk to people, don't be like your sister! and tam just kind of collapses because he is just so tired.

Linh: extrovert forced to introvert, gotta love them parents and how they made her stay home and sit down and be quiet and you don't need friends stupid girl and you need to shut up and no one likes a little brat and get back in your room and friends are a privelege and no one wants to be around a twin and leave your brother alone you don't need to bother him go back to your room. and linh kind of sits there, stunned and silent, staring at the walls, wishing she was more alive and more feeling but all she has is walls.

Marella: extrovert. but the angry kind. who likes to be sharp and correct and win the games and fights and the intense need to lead and be correct and yeah, extrovert

Dex: extrovert. yep. yep. loves being around people, will position himself so that people walk past him and can say hi and smile at him.

Stina: introvert, but the kind that thinks human beings are stupid arseholes.

Maruca: introvert. no comment needed. she's an ice block.

Wylie: introvert. the kind that likes books. and carries one everywhere.

Glimmer: traumatized extrovert. an extrovert who was shut down at every option, punished for not being quiet, and was then just, kind of left adrift, not knowing how to hang out with other people and feeling drained but not knowing why, and she gets home at night and she leans on Tam's shoulder because Tam is basically the family teddybear and she asks, softly, why she's so tired, and Tam tells her he doesn't know but that he feels tired too and she just leans on his shoulder and they sit there.