#Think about at my lowest and all the things I’ve ever done that I’m most ashamed of

[saturdaymournings]

I swear to god everyone wants me to fucking kill myself and I’m sick of it cause I don’t want to fucking die so stop egging me on you stupid cunts

[writing-for-life]

Keeping Them In Character...

It’s so interesting what you wrote about fixing Morpheus in the other post, @rriavian. I didn't want to take that one too off topic, hence I made a new one. I hope this is okay, because I love talking about these things, especially with other writers (everyone who reads this, writer or not, feel free to join in). I think I’ve said this somewhere else before (can’t remember where): If we keep him in character, there is no fixing him anyway.

But fanfic wouldn’t be fanfic without those attempts, and I totally get why. I want a different ending for him, too, alas, not in canon, even if that might sound contradictory. If they touched the ending in the show, I’d honestly be pissed off, but that’s my personal problem, and Neil can do with it whatever he wants—it’s his story. So I guess every fic that sees him alive at the end starts with the premise that we have to bend him into shape ever so slightly to make it possible. To me though, there’s a world of a difference between that and basically turning him into an OC with no resemblance to Morpheus bar name and looks (not saying that isn’t fair, it’s just not for me because if I wanted that, I’d write an OC, because that’s what he would be to me).

Morpheus is not weak. I even get why some people who mainly came to the Sandman via the show might be drawn into that direction initially, because we obviously see him very low at the beginning (I’m hesitant to say “at his lowest”). But after that, he pretty much stands in his power again (with ups and down obvs)—a power that burdens him for a multitude of reasons I don’t want to go into now, otherwise I’ll still sit here tomorrow. Wrote about it a million times though.

I think the fundamental misunderstanding is that anyone can fix him. So whoever we pair up with him can only walk with him, but he’ll need to take the steps himself, and more importantly: He would need a reason to want to do that. And yes, that’s exactly what my OC tells him at some point because she suffers, and she’s done with it despite understanding him on a deep level and accepting who and what he is—I think you're right when you say there’s a tendency in fandom to turn one half of the relationship into some kind of martyr and/or “void filler” to save someone. And the tricky thing about Morpheus is: He actually is looking for something to fill a void (which, to stress that again, doesn't mean he isn't powerful, so it's not to be mistaken for general weakness). And both in The Sandman and in real life, that never leads to anything good, but I can see why it's tempting to fall into that trap because his character lends itself particularly well to that type of trope (and I even play around with that in the first part of my fic, but it was also clear to me that it won't end there).

Now, this obviously isn’t real life, a story doesn’t necessarily have to lead to something good, but the most important question, to me, was always: What would make him take said steps himself, and above all: WANT to take them? Because truly, that’s where it all falls down in canon. And there is enough scope to explore that in quite a few different ways in my view.

For me, it was always clear that it can never be through wanting to change who or what he is on a fundamental level (that’s why I’m not into retired!Dream AUs, because they would fundamentally change who he is. Again, totally fine if people want to explore that, it's just not for me). I honestly believe he would bristle at that and recoil/retreat. Because it would just add to what is at the core of his very dilemma: If you want to change who and what he is, you basically admit you don’t truly understand him (not even those closest to him truly do), and that’s part of what breaks him (I say “part”, because there are more things in the mix than one can shake a stick at). And there is a clear difference between his being capable of change (we all know he is) and wanting to change him. They are not one and the same, but sometimes, fandom treats them as if they were.

Misunderstanding him, misinterpreting him is inherent to his being: He is Dream—forever out of reach, forever nebulous and unreal and weird and prone to be misunderstood/misinterpreted unless you stop trying and just trust the process/intuition--otherwise, it wouldn’t be (a) D/dream. It truly applies to all that he is. And you see what happens when he tries to rationalise things himself: Although he understands the boundaries between dreams and reality and keeps them in place, he is UNreality, and forever will be. And the way that gets ignored in fandom sometimes baffles me. Although it also doesn’t, because of course we’re human, and we want things to be real.

Back to those steps: I personally think he would never take them for himself because he doesn’t believe he has a story, and outright centring himself as the main character who is in charge of his own story is something he will always deny himself. But I think that’s also the way in? Because if he could perceive, at least initially, that he is part of someone else’s story and that they WANT him in that story (all that he is and isn’t, including all that is broken) with full acceptance but without complete self-denial. That they don’t try to change him, because they understand what the unreal is (and that requires a very particular type of person). That he would want to try because the love he has for them weighs heavier than how little he loves himself (was it you, @stellerssong who recently also wrote something along those lines, or am I making that up?). And that by doing that, he gradually learns to see himself through someone else's eyes. And once on that path, he would maybe, just maybe, start to understand that indeed he has a story of his own, and that he might be able if not to entirely rewrite, but at least to keep on writing it from this moment onward. Like everyone who believes (because believing something is possible means trusting in it despite it not being real, and trusting in the process rather than the result. He knows the power this wields over everyone but himself--not because it’s not true for him but because he won’t allow it. But maybe he could get himself to a stage where he allows it). That it's not about fixing anything really, but growing enough around what's broken and always will be, instead of trying to make it smaller or go away.

Yes, I do believe that might be possible, although there's much more to it than I've written here because it's incredibly complex, and it requires a lot of give and take, compromise and yes, pain along the way. And maybe it might not work at all (I never really 100% know where I end up when I write because my characters always, always make those decisions for me, and despite setting out with a plan, I almost never end up where I had initially intended to go. So if you asked me today, I couldn’t promise that I truly know where my current WiP is going and who will be where at its end, and it is very frustrating at times because I’m not always happy with what these guys are doing. At the moment, I'm truly not). But I believe he would at least try if someone who allowed for those dynamics were around. And that’s why I wrote an OC, because while I can see one or two canon characters that get fairly close to what I'd envision (and none of them are one half of the bigger ships), I ultimately couldn’t do it with them because there was something in their established dynamics that threw it off for me. Unless I would have pulled at least one of them (probably both) OOC to a degree that felt too much for me. But I'm always super interested in other people's process and line of thinking.

But yeah, that’s the precarious dance between trying to keep him in character while also working towards a different ending (that's obviously far less of a problem in one-shots). If that will ever work—who knows…

[emilielfc]

I’ve pretty much been in denial about Jurgen going until yesterday. I’ve not been able to process it well so I did the only thing I could think of and word vomited a letter to Jurgen. I know he’ll never see it but I wanted to get all my thoughts and feelings down.

Feel free to ignore the ramblings that follow 😂

Dear Jurgen,

I’m finding it really hard to find any words to sum it all up. But the most important ones are thank you.

Thank you for giving us absolutely everything these last 9 years. Thank you for taking us back to where we belong. For giving us memories to last a life time, to let us see what our dads had seen.

More than anything, we’ll miss the man behind the manager. An incredible manager, an even better person. You got the club and the city from day one. You backed us, you fought for us, you are us.

I will spend my lifetime talking about the Klopp era. The memories I have, the things I experienced. I’ll never forget the good and the bad. The belief this team gave me. How it picked me up and distracted my from my lowest of lows.

Jurgen Klopps Liverpool lead me to some of my best friends. I formed connections and friendships to last a lifetime and I’m so grateful.

In 2015 me and my dad sat and watched Jurgens first press conference. This is exciting. This could be good. Dad looked like a kid at Christmas. It’s was so much better than we ever could have imagined.

That night against Dortmund that followed and the loss of the final, we knew we were in for something special.

Kiev was disappointing and heartbreaking, but we knew we’d be back.

The champions league in 2019 was insane. I had very very vague memories of 2005, and now I have proper solid ones of my own. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll never ever forget where I was in 2020. On the sofa screaming at the tv for that Chelsea penalty. Crying my eyes out, jumping around the living room with my dad. And then just sitting in silence and amazement that we’d finally done it.

Countless more trophies and celebrations followed. The club World Cup. The super cup. Carabao cups and the FA. All the boys contributing and showing what a team we’ve built up. Every single moment. Electric.

Jurgen has given us everything, and I could never begrudge him wanting to spend time with his family. He’s earned it. He’s left his boys in a good place. A good squad that he believes in.

So danke Jurgen. For it all.

YNWA ❤️

[whentommymetalfie]

hey, your fics on ao3 are actually saving my life rn. i’m not doing amazingly atm and reading your “breathe again” and “home to you” fics about tommy struggling with mental health (admittedly in a slightly different way to me) is somehow making it all so much easier to cope with.

i’m so in love with the dynamic of alfie being completely head over heels for tommy, despite tommy feeling utterly broken and despising everything about himself - it really does give me hope that perhaps i’m not entirely hopeless and unlovable either, even if sometimes i’m about as mentally stable as tommy is.

but yeah, idk - i don’t think any of that made a lot of sense, but i just wanted you to know what a positive impact your writing has had upon me.

and seriously, fucking wow- you’re absolutely amazing at writing - i have never read better, more in-character tommy and alfie fics. the way you create the angst and attraction between them is just everything to me and i hope you keep writing this pairing forever!

also, i was wondering - how long did it take you to learn to write like this? did you study creative writing formally or are you self taught (if you don’t mind me asking)? your use of words is just mesmerising and i’d love to think that one day i could be able to write as beautifully as you do.

anyway, thank you for all that you have done for the tommy/alfie community. seriously, you should see the indirects you get on twitter (you’re like the ceo of this ship at this point)

Firstly: This was an absolutely wonderful message to receive, and made my whole week. Secondly: this reply is long so my apologies in advance! 

You make complete sense. And, not to get way to personal here, but I think it’s a very human and common feeling to be afraid that we’re unlovable when we’re at our lowest points and probably need it the most ❤️ One of the reasons I write is because it’s an escape and a comfort (and well, a huge struggle, but in the end the positives outweigh the negatives). And knowing someone else finds that through reading my fics is the biggest compliment I could ever receive, and reminds me why I do always slog through the more challenging parts of writing to finish things and put them out there for people to read.

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ I suppose I feel that my characterization isn’t spot on, but I’ve aimed for one that feels ’true’ within the setting and circumstances of the story, if that makes sense, and I’m so happy you like it. I’m wholly unable to cope with this incredible praise, but at least I can answer your question: I don’t have any formal education in creative writing. But I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing -though I mostly read in my native language (Swedish), I do try to define what I enjoy about my favorite writers’ works, and while I’m not skilled enough to always put that knowledge to use, I’d like to think that it’s helped me in some ways. As for how long it took me to learn how to write (though I definitely feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark from time to time and like I’ve learned nothing) I wrote and posted my first fanfic in English when I was 17 (a true blood fanfic I haven’t re-read since, and probably wouldn’t like to), wrote some more stuff that I never posted, and then began writing PB fic… six years ago or something? I’m 29 now, so I suppose you could say that I’ve got a few years of writing under my belt now. But I’d say that I’ve improved the most over those last PB years, simply because I’ve written so much over that period of time. And the more I write, the more critical my eye has become. And I still feel like I’m learning more every time I sit down to write. 

And I fully believe anyone can learn to write, especially in a setting like fanfic, because I’ve always felt it’s a very encouraging and ’free’ environment. At least that’s been the case in the corner I’ve been in. There’s always someone out there who’ll enjoy what you put out there. And I know it’s cliché, but the key really is to just keep at it, so a huge dose of enthusiasm and self indulgence is important. I’ve got heaps of stuff that I’ve written and never posted, just because I’ve had an idea I wanted to explore. And I’ve made my peace with the fact that I’ll never be quite as skilled at writing in English as in Swedish, and won’t always find the perfect words, because as long as I write something that excites me in some way, I know there’ll be at least one other person out there who’ll enjoy it too. I try to just make it as good as I can with the tools I’ve got. 

Again, thank you ❤️ ❤️ ❤️  I don’t know what else to say, but please know I’ll be back to re-read this message many times. And I hope you’ll be happy to hear there’s a new chapter coming tomorrow -please consider it a thank you gift! 

PS I’m not on twitter so I don’t know what goes on over there but now I’m dying because I need to see 👀 the indirects 👀 What are they saying?? 👀 the curiosity is killing me! 

[vtforpedro]

update - tw in tags please read

I’ve been meaning to make a life/health/disability update the last week or so but those things don’t really matter to me right now. My cat Isis, my soulmate if ever there was one, died in my arms on Thursday morning at 10:32 AM. It happened after I heard a long, mournful yell/groan from her at 10:25 AM. She was fine before, then dead in my arms in seven minutes. 11 years and 1 month old. No warning, no lead up. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I genuinely don’t know how to live without my soulmate. She took half of me with her and my half, well... it’s circling the drain and has been for years. It’s why I’ve always said my cats and my mom are the only reasons I don’t unalive myself. My relationship with my mom is ruined and she won’t do family therapy, and my soulmate is gone. I love all of my pets the same, give them the same love, but there is the once in a lifetime or very rare animal in a long line of them who is just different and that was Isis. Tomorrow will be my third morning waking up and not seeing her come to greet me. She did that on the day she passed but I hung out in bed too long so she went to the bedroom. 10-12 minutes later and as I was getting up, I heard her cry. After attempting CPR, I knew the second she died and the ER vet’s front desk told me sometimes they choose when to go as I wailed with agony. She didn’t fucking choose this. She’d choose to be home if she could. Warm and loved. Not fucking that. I held her in my arms for 40 minutes. Then I held her on her favorite blanket on my lap for almost two hours. We wrapped her in another favorite blanket when we took her to the vet. We spoke with her vet, who is quite familiar with her, and he said it was likely a blood clot or sudden heart issue from what I described. Nothing to be done and no way I could have saved her. She felt pain and fear, but for a brief time she was aware that I was with her and I hope she was comforted by my presence in some way. I’m getting her cremains and a paw print back and one day I’d like to commission art of her. Right now, all I can think about is that I had not yet fully healed from the LP over a year ago so I could sit on the couch and she would lay on my chest and purr for an hour before falling asleep. What healing she’s given me for 10 years. Through some of the lowest points of my life, she has kept me going. I adopted her on May 5th, 2013. I lost her on May 18th, 2023. She was 11 going on kitten. Life is cruel and unfair. I wouldn’t wish going through those seven minutes of agony on anyone and I would turn back the clock to save her from the pain and fear, as she felt them both acutely. Life is so terrible to such innocent beings who have unconditional and insane amounts of love to give, as Isis did to anyone and everyone she knew longer than a day. Everyone always told me how sweet she was. They were always so shocked at how loud her purr was, the very reason I adopted her. I cannot believe I am never going to hear it or feel it again. I don’t want to believe it. She did everything with me and my morning routines are excruciating right now because she isn’t there. She went on most bathroom trips with me, we chatted up a storm every day, she laid in her designated second computer chair at my side, always always always laid at my side on the recliner or couch, and purred purred purred. Isis was the funniest, sweetest, most talkative, comforting, attention-hogging, purring machine. She was orange and proud of it. An instigating little shit and also proud of it. She is with me and I am with her, I hope. I’m still coming down from the shock of what happened but I don’t think this heavy grief will go away for a long time. The apartment has gotten too quiet and I’m lonelier than ever. Lilly is my lovebug and honey bun and she is looking for Isis all the time. Not because they were friends, but Isis did not let her have a moment’s peace! lol But watching her look for her is still incredibly painful. She was fully aware something was happening to Isis, as I had to push her away twice during those seven minutes, but not the concept of death certainly. Still, it’s only been 2.5 days and Lilly is becoming more anxious and restless. She spent today out in the living room with me. Almost all day. She is queen of the Queen Bed Kingdom and the bedroom is her territory (she and Isis had many words about it), so it was really unusual. Isis never really let her put her guard down out here and I hope she starts to. She will stop looking for Isis much sooner than I will. I see her everywhere. I feel her against my leg. I hear her. I feel the touch of her soft fur, of her headbutts, her cold nose as she always tries to lick my chin and cheeks and forehead and nose. I feel as if I could simply say Isis and she’d brrp and be here again. I don’t want to adopt another cat. I want to hang on for Lilly if I can. I want Isis with me again, even if it’s only her name on an urn and the fleeting touch of her paw in clay. But how I long to go back and experience adopting her and having her for another decade at my side. Maybe she’ll stop by my dreams and they’ll be kind ones instead. ☀️

[magpies4nights]

huh (Dev log # I'M ON 4?!!?!?!)

Hi guys! It’s me, @magpies4days on a different blog! That’s really the only promise I kept. Whoops. That’s why I don’t do promises. Anyways, since the last time I updated y'all, I passed all my finals and everything that was important. Yep, I passed my finals, which seems miraculous, because I accidentally studied the wrong study guide for my history exam and didn't really sleep enough the night before, and I got a 90 on it, which I'll be honest, that was the lowest grade I've ever gotten on a test in that class, but it's still an A so I won't cry about it. I turned in a really shitty essay too for one of my classes, but it seems that my professor didn’t actually read it because she gave me a 100 (ain’t gonna complain about that). I also procrastinated so hard on my graphic design final that I did it in like 3 hours and finished it 2 minutes before it was late. I still turned it in 5 minutes late because my computer decided it was funny to start acting up. Oh well, I passed that class, even for honor's standards. Normally I would be happy getting a B because I'd get a C and still celebrate but unfortunately I slayed too hard that my GPA was the minimum requirement for the Honor's organization to notice me. That's the Thinker in my Myers Briggs type showing baybee (JK JK I'm an INFP (unfortunately.)). Anyways, I’m on my winter break, and as much as I love getting breaks, god I forgot how much I hate summer and winter breaks. Summer breaks make me depressed because I have nothing to do, and winter breaks make me depressed because it’s literally the worst season of the year (cold weather (I have cold urticaria), dry air, less sun, the position of the sun is weird, and d3 barely does anything).

Anyways, onto the actual dev stuff. I probably should’ve figured this out the moment I started my idea, but I found out that to export my game to Mac, I’d have to have a developer id and pay for it. Which now I understand why most indie devs never upload to Mac. Oh well. (Fun fact: Mac actually has a feature called BootCamp which lets you portion your hard drive to allow you to have a Windows driver (Be wise on your portioning though because it’s permanent). I found this out when I was 16 and trying to download Pizza Tower demos. Totally not saying that so you could play it on your “Mac,” *wink wink*).

I had to switch my dialog stuff from a script I found on the internet, to an add-on that most Godot devs use ( Dialogic). I know. I am awful. However, there is a reason to this, and it’s entirely because I am an idiot. I have experimented with how Godot exports JSONs, and as it turns out, the images nor the audio would load! The text would, but it’s just not the same, especially when the dialog box is supposed to change with the character speaking. While it could be something in my code that is causing this to happen, or I'm forgetting to export something else while checking off all the boxes, it still gives me a headache and I decided it was for the best to switch. I may not be able to code for now, but there may be a day when I can. Hopefully. I had to change the layout of the dialog stuff because Dialogic kinda makes it like a visual novel kinda thing. I decided to torture myself and make everyone have different heights. Don't worry, everyone has relatively normal heights. Except for mayyybe Sleepy Weepy. They're like 6'2 (which may mean there's some cutoff for their sprites).

Aaaaanyways, enough about me suffering about dialog again. I’ve been working on the beginning and ending cutscene so that I can first torture everyone with 5 minutes of dialog in the beginning and then at the end music with text that may give people a hard time reading the lyrics. The animation isn’t done, but the text kinda is??? I’ll have to revise it like I have the past 56 times because my future self is hard to please, and I think everyone is out of character except Xandra.

Yeahhh, that’s about it so far. I made new music while I was being harassed with finals. Take a gander, but with your ears. Or don't, forcing you is unethical.

Top 10 Sleepy Weepy of all time!!!!! (This is doesn't even make it in the honorable mentions)

[babygirlgalitzine]

this year has truly been the most difficult of my life. in january i turned 22, and for someone who really didn’t plan to live for longer than 16, that was a huge achievement. i faced my fears head on and spent time with myself, taking myself on day trips into busy cities. i even went to a concert by myself, and if you know my history with concerts then you’ll know that’s a huge thing for me. i had the best night of my life. i did 3 concerts in one week, one by myself, one with my sister and one with my mum.

i graduated university this year with a first class degree. still my proudest moment to date. i spent months in and out of the studio filming and editing shows, writing essays and working on my final projects and to know that all the sleepless nights and early mornings with a coffee in my hand actually paid off, i will forever be in shock. walking across that stage and throwing my cap into the air is something that i dreamed of for three whole years and to do that with two of my best friends by my side was incredible

but amongst all the highs, came the lowest of lows. i lost my dad in october, two days before his birthday. he was ill for a long time, but we never had any indication that he would die when he did. it’s a day that will forever be etched into my memory, for all the wrong reasons. i’ll never forget the last time i saw him living, thinking about how that was the fastest i had seen him walk in nearly 3 years. i’ll equally never forget hearing ambulance sirens and not knowing that those paramedics will be attending to my dad. losing him is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i miss him every day of my life. i even wore his newcastle top and i just know he would’ve gotten so much satisfaction out of seeing me in black and white, rather than blue and white. i’ll never wear it again dad, but i will wear your england shirts with pride and remember all the stories you’ve told me of footballing legends past and present, and i promise you that if newcastle make it to european football i will be going to st james park in honour of you

2022 has been the best and worst year of my life. it’s one i’ll never forget, but i’m ready to see the end of it. 2023, please be kind to me - i need it🤍

[lightlycareless]

i’m back, having reread chapter 25 for the umpteenth time,,, now whats drawn my eye is about midway through, ranta internally comments about how if y/n were to ever actually be gone (presumably implying ‘dead’ considering the prior lines), naoya would be ‘virtually inconsolable’.

i’ve presumed y/n will be surviving the story (though,,, im eyeing the major character death warning in trepidation,,) so considering we probably won’t get to see his reaction to that in canon, how would he handle that? and if it’s from that death sentence, i don’t imagine naoaki would take it well either, especially if he didn’t find out the sentencing even existed until it was too late,,

Hello!!! How are you? I'm so happy to see you again! ❤

Reliving the angst, aren't we? 😏

You're not the first one to bring up the major character death warning hahaha; all I gotta say is, I think it's going to be somewhat... satisfying, but the context behind it oof.

But let's indulge in this thought 🤭 Let's say that Y/N failed to get pregnant and her death sentence was finally enacted.

The estate would have mixed reactions to this whole ordeal. While it's not the first time they witnessed the death/funeral of a wife (Tomoko 😭), it has been a while since one has been sentenced to death.

Some of the members will think that Naobito's decision was a bit... exaggerated, however, they would soon understand that a woman of Y/N's heritage was better off dead if they couldn't make use of her—any other clan would've done the same. (Or so I assume... since the Kamo basically pushed Noritoshi's mother away after getting what they wanted. I think they would've disposed of her if she didn't... you know, do her job.)

Besides, he's the clan leader, so their opinion doesn't matter. Nonetheless, the servants that had began to take a liking to her will definitely mourn her absence. The ones that didn't would probably say shit like "She deserved it" and "Someone better will take her place in time"

Now, onto Naoya...

Just as Ranta said, he would be virtually inconsolable, for the young Zen'in heir went through great lengths to have Y/N by his side. He was shocked to see Naobito so... nonchalantly when he ordered Y/N to be killed if she failed to beget a child. Feeling worse upon realizing how he continuously blamed her for everything that lead up to that point, not realizing that he was to blame as well. For most of the entirety of it, if not all.

But there's nothing to do now. She's gone—Y/N is dead. All he ever wanted, needed, was over.

AND I ACTUALLY PLAYED WITH THE IDEA OF LIKE, NAOYA MANAGING TO REVIVE HER BUT SHE'S JUST NOT THE SAME YOU KNOW? THERE'S SOMETHING ODD. I LOVE THAT KIND OF CREEPY SHIT—PET SEMATARY AU HERE WE GO.

Naoya would circle down into depression, and dare I say, he might even pick up the habit of drinking—or throw himself constantly into missions, anything to distract his memory away from you. Circling back to the last point, in his lowest, he might actually consider bringing you back one way or the other, only to realize that's like forbidden, or so I believe, if not, all sorcerers would basically be immortal haha.

In terms of moving on, dating/marrying someone else. I don't think he would. He can't, specially when there was never closure for his last relationship. He just can't move on. He might even start seeing her around the estate, hallucinating her and all that** (See last part haha)

Anyways, her ladies would certainly whoop his ass—as much as they can/are permitted. They still can't believe that someone who dared say that loved you very much, actually allowed you to be harmed yet again. It wouldn't be underneath them to say things to him whenever passing by his side, make their disdain for him clear.

Naoaki would beat him to death tho. Or close to it.

He would be shocked, petrified, and even then, I think those words are an understatement. Naoaki never knew that you were in route to being basically murdered by his family, wondering over and over again why you never told him, and if there was perhaps something he could've done to stop it.

Before shifting the blame onto his brother for not trying hard enough to save you. This is when he would beeline into Naoya and beat him, and he would allow it, as some kind of punishment, before someone came along to separate them.

Naoaki's relationship with the family is done by this point. One might even think he was more in love with her than what Naoya proclaimed to be 🤔

I don't think anyone would be the same at the Zen'in estate, for Y/N had achieved quite the impact in the short time she was there.

I can't even imagine what kind of explanation the Zen'in would have to bring when the L/N clan decides to ponder on her wellbeing—nor what Hinata and Ren would do if they eventually learn Y/N's dead.

**However, Y/N might just come back to haunt Naoya :>

This ask is super sad 😭 I don't want any of this to happen for real hahahahah but who knows, I guess we'll have to see where the characters take me 😭

But it's certainly a interesting thought to ruminate on; I have considered different scenarios and how characters would react to it, just for fun, you know?

However, this has to be the saddest one yet hahah considering that Naoya is starting to open up his goddamn eyes to reality 😭😭 please don't make me think on this ever again (just kidding hahahahahahah we love the angst) but I need fluff tbh

I hope my response was to your liking ❤ if you have more questions, or want more details in certain things please be sure to let me know 🥰!! I always look forward to your asks/response, they're very interesting hehe.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend ❤ Take care 😊

[scelestic-reveries]

The Famous Proust Questionnaire.

So I was tagged in this questionnaire by fiktivnilik which was also done by David Bowie and I was inspired by the answers from both of them so I figured I’d give it a go. These are the questions, I shall do my best to answer them honestly and heartfelt. If you are a mutual please feel free to copy and tag me in.

What is your idea of perfect happiness? What is your most marked characteristic? What do you consider your greatest achievement? What is your greatest fear? What historical figure do you most identify with? Which living person do you most admire? Who are your heroes in real life? What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? What is the trait you most deplore in others? What is your favorite journey? What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Which word or phrases do you most overuse? What is your greatest regret? What is your current state of mind? If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? What is your most treasured possession? What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Where would you like to live? What is your favorite occupation? What is the quality you most like in a man? What is the quality you most like in a woman? What are your favorite names? What is your motto? *My own land and home, all my bills paid, my dog and cat with me, no one to answer to and someone to share it with.  *My most marked characteristic...either my eyes or my voice. Both are used like a weapon when needed but also are just there. People have always given them more worth than I have. *I don’t know if I’ve done it yet. I’ve lived a big life I don’t know how to quantify it into one moment or achievement. I’ll get back to you one day.  *Losing my dog. I know it’s going to happen and I can’t stop it but as it approaches I can feel it like a dark mass. I’ve had people try kill me, shot at, stabbed and pushed through warzones, but that fucking dog kills me.  *What historically figure do I most identify with, well that’s a tough one. But I’m going to go with Hunter S Thompson. By every sense of the word that fucker is a historical figure.  *This is a tough one. I admire a number of people in real life, both known personally and from a distance. I like people who approach it different from the rest.  *Who are my real life heroes, I guess it’s people I admire in the top of their fields but also people I know intimately. Hunter S Thompson, Valentino Rossi also one, Anthony Bourdain, Nina Simone, Clint Eastwood, Danny Glover, D’Angelo, My grandfather. People that have inspired me.  *Ah..what trait do I deplore in myself...Honestly, pushing things to the edge. pushing things sometimes to ruin and pulling it from the fire time and time again. Sometimes it feels like self sabotage.  * Now as for what I deplore in others...honestly ignorance. Fuck that, we live in an age where we have access to the most information in human history and it’s fucking squandered. And someone doing “research” which consists of facebook links and posts from friends. Seriously, fuck off. If you studied for years and spent your life interested in a field I’ll listen to you all day if you base it in logic and fact.  *My favourite journey.. learning, experiencing and doing. I believe the day you stop moving and learning is the day you start dying.  * An overrated virtue..company loyalty. Unless they are giving you a % of profits or a share then they are in it for their own profit and not yours. You can do better.  *What words and phrase do I overuse...well fuck...that’s one. *laughing* fuck that, hmmm, ahhh. eat a dick. bless your heart, dear, darlin, fair is fair. I think that’s enough.  *My greatest regret...well that’s a tough one. I have a few, and I try to live my life without them but that’s not always possible. I’m still raw over my grandparents when I look at it and I’ve hurt people that truly loved me and that’s all on me. *Current state of mind. Optimistic and determined. I’m not having another year like last year, ever fucking again.  * I’d have my grandparents still alive.  *Ah I’d say my dog. He is a possession, but very much more so a companion and guardian. I’d kill for that mutt.   *Ignorance and doing the same thing every day for most of your life. That is misery to me, the same as everyone else and never questioning or trying new things. Sounds like a lvl of hell to me.  *Many places, but I’d love a house in Thailand, US, and Oz. That would make me happy for the rest of days.  *Favourite Occupation...tough one. I’ve always wanted to fly planes, I can see how I wouldn't enjoy doing that each day, and let’s be honestly playing basketball or anything tactical and involving weapons would make me happy each day waking up. Just because it would.  *Quality I like most in a man. Ability to learn. You find a male willing to do that and isn’t threaten by other males or females then you can work with that guy in almost anything.  *As for in a woman...confidence in themselves and what they are capable of. Women are formidable creatures who are capable of whatever they set their mind on. It’s intoxicating and demands more attention.  *Favourite names...I have a few, but hearing my own out of the lips of someone I love, does hit a spot. And I’m partial to Nordic and terms of endearment that is earned by putting up with my shit and also the names of those I adore.  * I don’t know if I have a motto, but something I’ve always repeated to myself and to this day is one of the first things I’d get inked on me.  “The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. “  And always be learning and moving forward, we are ever changing an evolving and try to be open to learning new things.  You never know, until you try.  Ah that’s it. That took longer than I thought and shared more than I usually ever would, but that’s it to the best of my ability. It’s not easy going through it, but there is a worth to it.  I hope you guys enjoyed a rare peek behind the curtains.  -s/r.

[lainscreentime]

if we’re being real i really love my bf again .. <3 what i wasn’t expecting in long term relationships was wavelengths and it’s just just a sudden drop off after the honeymoon phase

i felt betrayed and like i could never trust him the same when he didn’t make it to the hospital in time before i got admitted and there was no entry/exit, but he was also at his lowest and that wasn’t a clear reflection of his self. i realize now he’s the one i can go home to collapse into when i spent all day at work feeling alienated trying not to cry or self harm. after a fight about money last winter he confessed he would give me so much more if he could, he would give me the world with no hesitation because he loves me so much. then i really saw his heart….

most of the time i feel that we are besties and the world we created to exist in now has a several gateways and superhighways to the surrounding world and it has become our empire in my personal narrative. i reread a love letter he wrote me and i remembered that when we first started dating, we wanted to get married immediately, and that’s still true bc i think our bond is very special and rare— friends who know us well and people who are just onlookers consolidate this fact from the energy he and i are constantly putting out into the world.

one of my biggest fears is that we (especially me- but my prefrontal cortex is almost done cookin lol) evolve into people who can no longer see eye to eye on nearly everything. will there come a time when we stop influencing each other and start to need conflicting things in life? things that we are unable to give each other? i want to fully commit myself because of the security i’ve never EVER felt with another person in my life, but i’m still young and inexperienced and there are things i’m curious about and i’m so so so scared of hurting myself. not so scared of being alone again, but scared by the absence, the heartache

[wetbloodworm]

it's time for an AUTISM POST™

considering that The 'Tism is kind of an all-encompassing thing that affects how i perceive and behave in this world, it can be hard to fully divorce it from the characters i make. especially considering both my tendency to project onto OCs and how playing characters for DND makes it harder to fully separate myself from the character since i'm reacting in real time. so i'm sure i've accidentally applied autistic traits and perceptions and experiences on OCs without meaning to. BUT that's not necessarily what this post is about, i just wanted to touch on that. what i DO want to talk about is the characters i've made who are autistic on purpose

luv me some bullet points

ivan is one of my most obvious examples because 1) i've talked about him the most and 2) his autistic traits are often very visible. he masks pretty aggressively in certain ways, like in how he largely avoids stimming because he's trained himself to be still or how he just Deals with bad sensory input, but there's also things that he just. either doesn't mask WELL or doesn't bother to mask, or doesn't think to mask. there's enough about him that NT people flag as odd that most people either immediately pick up on ivan being autistic/some kind of ND or note him as being off-putting/weird. it also doesn't help that ivan being emotionally volatile means a lot of his traits come out easier when he gets worked up and his various masks drop. i could go on and on about him but i already have just... so many times, so we'll leave it at that

i put blood sweat and tears into being able to do this indent which isn’t going to show for some people. but i’ll know it’s there. and that’s what matters.

anyway i’m doing indents for special interests. ivan’s #1 special interest is obviously space. language is another one for him. i know he’s got more smaller ones but i don’t know if i’ve ever established them? it’s always been very obviously SPACE and also language and then who knows what else he’s into. OH i remember him being into classical russian literature, like dostoevsky and tolstoy.

GOD WHAT IF I TOOK THE RAADS-R TEST FOR MY KIDS

i’m taking the raads-r test for my kids. they would hate the lack of nuance in the answers just as much as i do.

ivan’s raads-r score is 146/240, which is between the ‘strong evidence’ and ‘very strong evidence’ scores

spoilers but it’s interesting to me that ivan scored the lowest of the four kids i took the test for. it’s not really a scale, of course, like a ‘so and so is more autistic because they scored higher’, that’s not how this works. but it’s still interesting to me. i did take the test from the character’s POV and some answers may not be 100% accurate, like ivan says it’s never true that he can’t handle things he dislikes because yeah he CAN handle that stuff, but the thing is that he forces himself to handle sensory input that grates him. the old case of trying so much harder at things than NT people have to. so the character’s perception of the question coupled with masking behavior can skew the results some.

asya's another obvious one, both because i've talked about her being autistic a bunch too and because i play her in fallen so she gets a lot of screen time. she also masks a lot of her traits, though she's also usually flagged as visibly ND or just weird because outside of her parents and some other specific situations she tends not to mask her voice/expression, which is the biggest sign for people. she works really hard on her empathy and social skills, and like ivan she also usually just puts up with bad sensory shit because her parents wouldn't accommodate her on that front so she just. suffers. it's fine. a lot of her traits were more obvious when she was younger, and her autism tends to present in a way where i think if she was ever tested she wouldn't have had to fight too hard for a diagnosis. but no way would her parents get that done for her, so. instead she learned to mask. other mental health BS (primarily her anxiety and bipolar) became bigger issues as she got older so that's where most of her focus is as an adult, like. don't have time to unpack her masking behavior when she's manic, y'know? both are massively impactful but one is like actively dangerous in some ways

asya’s main special interest is music! this expresses itself partly as her being really into playing musical instruments, so like, learning those and also sheet musics and the specific structure of music and music-writing and all that. i don’t know how to talk about music so i can’t describe it well but she’s into it. she also loves consuming as much music as she can and absorbs all the info about different bands and genres and music history etc as she can.

asya’s raads-r score is 154/240

i think i've touched on it but kseniya is also autistic. runs in the family. they're pretty similar to asya in that they have a flat affect and aren't very emotive, though they also just aren't super emotional on top of that. they largely don’t try to mask because they don’t care how people perceive them, though they sometimes hold back from stimming because of getting in trouble with ‘not sitting still’, like pretty much all my kids have dealt with. largely though they just don’t give a fuck. their raads-r score would probably be higher if they tried to mask more because, again, perception of the question vs what the question is trying to gauge. kseniya doesn’t follow rules to try to seem normal not because they don’t have to for people to register them as normal but because they don’t care.

weapons! kseniya loves weapons!! knives and other kinds of blades are their biggest focus, but they have space in their brain for a lot of other kinds. types, history of weaponry, etc. they collect knives, and really any fun or pretty or unique weapon would be a good gift but knives are always the safest bet. kseniya has no desire to USE these against people or see them used against people, though they do keep a pocket knife on them for self-defense.

kseniya’s raads-r score is 176/240

outside of rescueverse kids my most obvious is toby. they were intended to be autistic from the start and by god did i succeed. they’re not especially expressive and they’re not especially emotional, either. they’re also not particularly interested in social interaction; it doesn’t stress them out at all and they feel like they’re fine at it, but they just care so much more about their various hobbies and would much rather be learning about/doing those instead of talking to people. they’ve also got the object permanence thing with relationships, where they tend not to miss people when they’re away. they care about their loved ones very much, of course, that’s not what this means. toby’s actually a pretty easy friend to maintain because they’re very low maintenance in relationships. they just want to be able to do their crafts and shit and when friends show back up that’s good too.

clothing and armor’s their biggest special interest, absolutely, but they tend to get Interested in all kinds of crafty hobbies. something catches their attention and they decide that they’re going to be Very Good At It, and then they do exactly that, and then they move on to the next thing they want to learn about, though they’ll come back to hobbies sometimes here and there and ALWAYS come back to clothes/armor. toby’s a very skilled individual in a lot of ways because of all the things they’ve gotten curious about at some point. they just don’t let go of shit until they’ve at least got a good technical grasp of it. toby loves to learn and to make things!

toby’s raads-r score is 194/240

i’m not gonna get super into it with the rest of my OCs because i’m getting tired of this post, but i know ivan and kseniya get it from both parents to different degrees, and asya gets it from her mom. idk if any of their parents would qualify as ASD but the familial link is there and there are Traits.

i’m making the decision here that lyle is autistic. it feels right. i feel it in my gut

no one here knows eva, she’s like from middle school for me, but she’s my quiet asocial robotics kid and. yes, absolutely

just looking through my character list rn

braxton from PBJverse, which is JT’s canon, is intended to be autistic. i think maybe petrov too but he’s less developed. JT’s dads are also big ‘autistic and adhd couple’ energy

i can’t just make both my robotics girls autistic but sada in AIverse, zephyr’s canon. i’ve got a vibe.

theo in MMCverse. these are some deep cuts here but this post is for me it doesn’t matter if y’all don’t know who theo is

i’ve scrolled down to the DND section of my character list and see, here’s where it’s tricky. when i’ve actually roleplayed these characters in real time it’s kinda hard for me to figure out what’s me and what’s the character. i’m thinking... no to kip and cory for sure. no to amity? clove has adhd but i’m not sure for asd. something in my heart says syrus is neurotypical. maybe to heather. zenith is an alien and doesn’t count.  who knows about edgar or tahzi or cecil. i think it’s mainly niamh i’m on the fence on right now, which makes sense considering i play her on a weekly basis. i think i need to still work her character out more to be able to figure it out for her. it was at least not intended for her or any of the others here, just. y’know. sometimes character decisions arise organically.

and of course ‘is this character autistic’ isn’t the only thing i’m considering while creating characters, and it’s not the most important one either, but idk, it’s interesting to me and that’s what this post is about so it’s what we’re focusing on right now

post over

[dimadimoo]

Hi. So, this is my first post on this blog and it just so happens to be my birthday. I’m 28 now. What’s really cool is that today’s the exact day I was born. I was born on a Wednesday, and today is also a Wednesday. Isn't that cool? I had to wait seven years for my birthday to land on the same day again. 

I can’t believe I’m officially a grown ass adult man but honestly, I still feel like I’m 19. Not much has changed since then... or maybe a lot has. I got really depressed. The start of 2024 was the lowest point of my life, like the darkest pit I’ve ever been in. I hated it, I hated my life. But honestly, I don’t think I could ever truly hate myself. I think I’m a pretty cool, fun guy. It’s just that life is shit and it keeps making me feel like shit and just driving me insane.

Turning 28 scares me. I don’t feel ready to be a "real" adult with responsibilities and all that. Maybe if my life was different or wasn't so depressing, I’d be so excited about it. But right now 28 just feels like an expiration date.. Like, most people by 28 have their shit together—careers, families, businesses, traveling the world, partners, whatever. And here I am, still trying to figure it out. I’m not there yet. Not even close.

I’ve spent most of my life battling depression and suicidal. Just wasting time, pretending to be someone I’m not, even around my own family. Failed friendships, no romantic love despite having a few real life crushes. I haven’t even been able to do the things I really want to do in life. Constant family drama, financial stress, rejections, and just a lot of depressing stuff… blergh. And honestly, I still don’t know who I really am or what I want to do with my life. I don’t have a vision or a future, really. Most of times, I feel like an alien, just here to observe life from the outside. I mean, yeah, I’ve learned a lot about life, human civilization and technology, history and cultures, creativity, music, sex, food, religions, spirituality, my existence, yeah all that stuff. But have I really lived? Not really. I want to live life, not just watch it go by and then realize I haven’t done anything.

But today, I’m not feeling depressed or sad at all. I’m actually happy. I started this blog as my own therapy, and I’m writing my first post on my birthday, on the exact day I was born. That’s gotta mean something, right? I feel like I’m finally starting to discover a bit of who I am like, a piece of "my identity". Like, fun fact, I’m more of a stereotypical Gemini than my actual sign, Virgo. There’s so much I haven’t figured out about myself, but I think other people around me have seen it. I wish I could be more honest with myself and the people around me.

I’m tired of this dangerous, toxic people pleasing mentality and tendency of me. I want to be unapologetically real and honest. It’s hard, but I need to do it. Just straight up say "No, I want this. Respect my choice, and if you don’t like it, fuck you." I need to stop giving a fuck about what people think, yes, even my mom and sis. But I still feel like I'm a really selfish bad guy. I don't want to be a villain to those around me. But what if I am? Will a lightning from heaven struck me and killed me on the spot? I don't know. Here we go again with my overthinking.

Oh and there’s this guy I had a crush on. Met him on Discord. He’s from the Philippines, and we’ve been talking for like five months—almost every day. But lately, I’ve been too busy, and my brain’s been in full meltdown mode, hahaha. I liked him, almost romantically, but not anymore. I thought he was my soulmate, but now, I don’t know man. Even though we’re on the same wavelength and vibe well and stuff, I still feel disconnected from him, honestly, from everyone in my life. I just don’t feel compatible with anybody.

And there’s no way I’d end up with him. The old me thought he was “the one,” but naahh. He lives far away from me and he's a bi and there are just too many things that make me go, “Hmm not for me.” and other circumstances (me). But anyway, that’s just a highlight reel of my life in the past few years, I think. So yeah. Am I excited about what’s next? Not really. I still wanting to leave this reality behind and escape to the one I’ve created in my head, where I can finally meet him... my true love. I love and miss him so much. And to live a life that meant for me. I’ll get there someday… my true home. I just know I will.

Anyway, here’s to being 28. Happy birthday to me.

[asoulofstars]

Vows

I don't often post my Riona x Canon fanfics anymore, but I'm honestly really proud of this one, and I really enjoyed writing it. Butcher just started rambling to me while I was driving, so I wanted to write it down, and I wanted to share it.

It is Butcher and Riona's wedding vows, in a post Season 3 AU where they'd taken down Homelander, Soldier Boy, and Vought.

Riona couldn’t believe that she and Butcher were actually getting married. The people they loved and cared about surrounded them. MM had gotten ordained to do the ceremony, because neither of them wanted anything remotely religious. MM was perfect, tailoring their ceremony to their rather unconventional journey.

“Butcher asked to do his vows first,” MM said.

Butcher pulled his vows out of his suit jacket, and Riona was surprised to see how many pages there seemed to be.

“Hughie helped me write all this, sort of gather my thoughts and organize them. Made them legible, because my handwriting’s shit.” He laughed a little. “I actually asked that we do our own vows. I mean, Riona’s full of emotion and words, and that’s what she would want anyways, but I needed to be able to say to her, to make it clear how much I love her. I know she loves me. She’s…she’s made that clear from the beginning, even if I didn’t let myself see it for a lot longer than that. Don’ know how or why, but I know I’m the luckiest bastard in the world. Whatever she has to say is going to be beautiful, and I know that it’ll be from the heart, because she’s all emotion, all the time. Doesn’t know how not to be, and that’s the reason I’m even here to do this. Because she saved my life, quite literally, the night we met, and because she just kept holding out her heart to me and reminding me that no one’s meant to be alone. I’m going to struggle with the concept of being given that kind of love for the rest of my life, because I don’t think that I deserve it; I think she deserves better. But she chose me, and she keeps choosing me every day, and I need her to know that I don’t take that for granted. I need her to really hear me, need her to know that I love her, just as much as she loves me.

Most of you know I was married before. When I asked Riona to marry me, she seemed surprised. Even in a world where I got to let myself be happy and figure out what was next for myself, I really don’t think she thought that marriage was part of the picture. But she’s never been in anyone’s shadow; she’s never been a replacement. She’s been my partner, from the start. She dragged my sorry ass out of a warehouse, drove my beat up old car to her apartment through the ridiculous New York traffic, and she gave me a blood transfusion, even after I told her to fuck off. Because that’s the kind of person she is, the kind of person who will give everything she has, even to someone that she doesn’t even know. 

Our life started with a vow. And now our new life gets a much better vow. Because, while I’m someone who has done a lot of things that I regret, who has done a lot of things that aren’t good, who has hurt others and left a mess everywhere I went, I can go into this new life with my head held high, knowing she’ll be by my side. She’s seen me at my lowest every minute of every day for the last ten years. Not to say that it was all bad, or that I was never happy. This rag-tag group of people became my family, even if most of the time they’d rather that I wasn’t dragging them back into a world that was harsh and dark. But they were all my light, the only light I ever had, and Riona was and is the brightest one of all of them. 

Riona’s heart is steadfast and true, and I learned recently that she calls me that. She’s used Irish asides for years, and I’ve never given much thought to them. Knew that they were too soft for me, so I pretended that I just didn’t care. Finally Googled her favorite pet name for me the other day. She calls me her pulse. She thinks that I’m the steady one, the constant one. I don’t know why or how, but I’m going to try to be every day going forward. She loves so unconditionally, and I don’t even know how she does it. I’ve never had much to give. But she’s made me reach deeper into myself, made me find pieces that I didn’t even know I had.

When we moved in together, I didn’t second guess the fact that she gave keys to Luke and Casey. Which, for me, having people I’d never met at that point have open access to a space that was supposed to be my one retreat is absolutely mad. I never would have considered it, but it was never my space; it was our space, and I never doubted her faith in Luke or Casey.

I know that trust was the only amount of good grace that I had. Luke and I met under shit circumstances. Not only was Riona giving me a blood transfusion after I’d overestimated my own abilities and underestimated the situation in general, but I’d also gotten a concussion out of the deal, and she was quite literally chewing on my arm to keep me awake when Luke walked in. Worst situation to be in when you meet one of the most important people in your friend’s life. I think Luke clocked Riona’s feelings from the start, and he was always rightfully wary of me, worried about what would happen when I finally bit off too much or when I decided that Riona’s heart wasn’t compatible with my goals and methods. 

And, well, I have hurt her. I have broken her heart. I’ve not been by her side when I should have. And every time, it broke a little part of me, too. Because even though I didn’t have anything to give to her, she coaxed something out of hiding, and she gave me something to lose. She found me at my lowest, stitched me back together, and didn’t let me go. Like I was one of those Build-A-Bears. She put her heart, her love, into my chest to remind me that I can do it on my own. I owe everything to her, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making her smile and laugh. I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving her. 

I’m going to love the way that she crinkles her nose when she’s thinking. The way she flutters her wings at any given moment. The way that she lays half on top of me in bed. The way that she calls me Liam to get my attention when I’m especially stupid, because she decided it would be fun to call me something Irish. I’m going to love the way she talks with her hands, the way she chews on pretty much anything including me, the way she ends up cutting slits in my clothes when she claims them for herself. I’m going to love her through the good times and the bad times and the hard times, and I’m going to love her through every single fear and insecurity we both have. 

And I’m going to love our children. I really never thought of myself as a father; I’m really fucking scared to call myself a father. But I’m going to do better than mine did; I’m going to be better. Because nothing matters anymore except that we’re doing this together. I don’t have a lot to give. But I’m going to give my patience, my willingness to learn, my acceptance that I cannot change the past and can only do better moving forward. I don’t know if I’m ever going to believe that I deserve this life, but I know what Riona deserves; I know what the twins deserve. And I’m going to give that to them. 

Riona Fae Gallagher-Milton, Starsight, you are my partner, and I’m giving you my hand and my heart to hold and carry while we move into our next life. Because I love you. Because, and apologies about my pronunciation, is brea liom tu. Thank you for choosing me.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Butcher wiped the tears off her face, and she kissed him. She couldn’t help it. Not after the most beautiful speech she’d ever heard. 

“How am I supposed to follow that?” she croaked.

He grinned at her. “I know you love me.”

“I do. I love you so much.” She swallowed to clear her throat. “I had prepared vows, but I think I just want to respond to his, because…he does know I love him. I want him to understand what I see in him. When we first met, you introduced yourself as Butcher. You later gave me your first name: Billy. You’ve worn names as a shield, worn your coat like armor, done everything you can to control your image and how you present yourself. You told me once that you don’t tie your boots properly because people underestimate you that way. But I’d like to say that I’ve seen through you. That, while I may be biased at times, I’ve known who you are from the start. You’re so hard on yourself, Butch. You act like the good you do doesn’t matter or count when compared to the bad. You don’t talk about the things you’ve done over the years like go home with me to Wellesley for Soll’s death or sit at home with me watching Star Trek--which you don’t even like--because I’m sad or dissociating or what have you. How when we found out about Compound V, your only priority was me, because you knew what it was going to do to me, mentally and emotionally. You’re right that I’ve been here from the start, that I have been your constant. And you question why I call you my pulse. Because your drive, your focus was an anchor point. Because I never was able to find a path; I was never able to think about all of those pieces that I could do to make change. You’re the one who called me Starsight. The one who took me seriously for the first time in my life. Our journey was…an insane one. No one would have ever predicted that when we met, we would end up here. I started falling for you so quickly, and I knew it was a bad idea. But I embraced it, because you were the first person who looked at me and made me want to stop trying to be invisible. You saw me for who I am, for what I could be, and you were my pulse from the night that we made that first vow, because you believed in me. In us. In what we could do together. So, I will take your hand; I will accept your heart. And I will ask you to carry mine in return. You’re softer and kinder and have more good inside you than you might ever believe, but I see it. And that’s why you’ll always be Butch, first and foremost. Because while you are hard, and while you do carry anger and pain, that’s not all you are, and it’s not all you’ve ever been or ever will be. William Christopher Butcher, you are now going to be my husband, and the father to our children, and Siobhan and Soll are going to be so fucking lucky to have you. I’m so fucking lucky to have you. So, remember, we are partners, Butch. And you don’t need to prove anything to me. Just keep being my pulse.”

He nodded at her, and he kissed her. She giggled and leaned into him, and MM cleared his throat.

“You two done with skipping ahead?” he asked.

Riona and Butcher both gave him slightly sheepish, but not apologetic, smiles. MM had them exchange rings with a tailored version of the standard words, and Riona smiled at the Claddagh that Butcher had chosen for himself to match hers. 

“Now you can kiss and make it official,” MM instructed.

They did, and Riona didn’t want to let him go. Her wings fluttered with delight, and Butch held her to him, as if he was afraid this was all a dream. They were both still teary-eyed when they pulled back.

“May I be the first to introduce Dr. Riona Gallagher-Milton-Butcher and Mr. William Butcher to the world as a married couple!” MM exclaimed.

[30306-home]

last warm up word warning

i put something semi “grrrrrrr” sounding. it could been a readable cohesive course of events. i’ve done too many characters chunks already, farrr too many, you have to forgive me.

* IMP- you don’t have to read any of this- i myself can’t reason with writing to some one who love someone that’s hurt…. just, it involves lies, involves my name, involves my peers, involves her (???) reasons.

**MORE IMP- i AM NOT trying to “get her back” by embarrassing here or not speaking with love and enthusiasm (although there must me some residual love stuff or this wouldn’t be effecting me like it is).

I REALLY WANT YO SAY THAT ORIGINALLY, BEFORE THE VERY CATHARTIC (THANK YOU) DIVERSION (VISUAL EXPRESSION TESTING), WHICH I WAS MUCH MORE COMPHY WITH,

I WAS THINKING THIS WAS PERHAPS A CIRCUMSTANCE THAT YOU UNDERSTOOD ENOUGH FROM A ROCKY TOLERANCE STANDPOINT, SOME FRUSTRATION FROM YOUR END AS WELL. YOU SEEMS NOT TO MIND SHARING THAT. I AM FEELING UNEASY HERE BECAUSE HOPE IS NOT FOLLOWING ALONG…. HER TALKING/BAD BEHIND MY BACK IS A BIG PART, SO I FEELING LIKE I’M DOING THE SAME- I’M JUSTIFYING IT BY KNOWING THAT AS TRYING AS THIS TIME HAS BEEN FOR HER, IT DIDN’T MAKE HER “BAD”. WE NOT OUT TO HURT HER. WE’D (even me) WOULD ANYTHING TO BRING HER PEACE. THAT HOW I’M JUSTIFYING IT. IT’S BEEN A SHITTY TIME, LET’S BE REAL.

LORD, so (sorry about the all caps… louder voice starting to kick in). originally, i really thought you may have some smart solid insight or even more, advice- i am in a situation that is like nothing i can possibly explain. in a bad helpless to death way. there are a lot of factors, mostly a big perpetual tangle that’s out of my hands- don’t know what all hands it’s been through- last run in with j. robinson may have been most frightening devastating confusing… don’t think it’d be a stretch to use the word traumatic. no.. it’s not, at all. i should never in my lifetime had to see his face in a way i did….. biggest part- it was a freak out moment that caused by the assumption that i was aware of something i had no clue of. that’s the basis of most of it, besides all the truths i him to be made of that make this unbearable- the reason i’m in love with him> there you go, it’s truer than true, i never knew why not to be… all that was left in a never really discussed separate massive tragic misunderstanding- that’s it. that cost us, us. it’s unreal, if it were understood, who know what life you be. he then believes a creepy to death story from hope (ended up backfiring on her on his end and mine- worse his) then since there’s all this stuff i “know i know”, but don’t know any, then i must have known the last biggie. essentially, we are a thing- always have been, no brainer would be forever, status aside, we already run that whole gamut…. every level of knowing one another we’ve been there. highest highs, lowest lows, years without even our voices involved (i wrote about that). a lot ot what’s i wrote about has nothing to do with current times, stories and things sidetracked. all in all, i will never have a connection with another soul- ever, not even interested- it is no exaggeration, torture, what is now.. he’s down the street- how have i not had him here, nearby, through every-single-most-surreal-life -2020- present. he is my safe…. i can’t explain and i also worry about you (whoever should ever see this- yours for the taking for now. about not being able to articulate emotions to where that translate as they really are… the “i’m serious” “please understand and fill that in anywhere my words are too weak, that aspect.). this has been like an unprecedented, never should be, easily wouldn’t be, severing of all i know is real in the world. i have to fix this…. more on the hurdles there- he still doesn’t know what i do- he’s rightfully upset with what he’s been told (if true).

lastly, i’m so aware that days aren’t at their best at your house, a multitude too many ways. and if this is anything, let it be good for a break time… something. not a chore. no promises of great entertainment, might lack some the visuals if go for the words. pls forgive typos.. is there any other was i can quantify myself? 200 more times? k. enjoy. random order/begin/land/where you wish

[smnthchrstn]

The year is almost over. And to be honest, I did a lot this year. I faced a lot of my fears. I lost my cat in January. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. My first loss of a pet. I adopted my first cat with my wife. Monumental, it’s like bringing home a newborn baby to us. Adapting to another life and making sure everyone got along okay was a big change for us. I smoked marijuana for the first time, something I’ve only ever talked about doing since my teens and I started smoking hemp mostly regularly. Cigarettes, yes. I started smoking cigarettes at 27 years old. And in return, I managed to face a giant huge fear of mine. I went to a doctor. In person. Not only did I go to a doctor, it was a primary physician. I established care, I verified that I wasn’t dying (my hypochondriac people where are you) and I have an actual psychiatrist who is taking care of all the stuff I’ve been blocking out and filing away since I was eight years old. That is fucking huge for me. I can’t begin to tell you. To all the friends I’ve talked to about this, bothered, cried to whatever - thanks for not leaving me. I really appreciate it. I was at my lowest this summer and you guys stuck around. And I’m not there anymore and I’m both thankful and proud of that. I was diagnosed. More than once. You don’t know how good it is to have a solid diagnosis, even a mental health related one unless or until you have a mystery problem that is so confusing for you. Things I had going on since childhood were finally addressed. I am scratching the surface here but this was the year I fucking got shit done. I set boundaries with my parents, my grandparents, extended family members who hurt and upset me to no end. I cut them off. I did that.

If there’s anyone in my life that I don’t want to associate with it who isn’t good for me - I know how to let them go. It’s not easy by any means but I can do it.

This year I got back into writing. An absolute passion of mine that for years brought me such a sense of community and reminded me I am not alone. To every single person I wrote with this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting little pieces of my soul slip through the cracks. Thanks for letting me be your boyfriend or husband or baby daddy. Thanks for letting me metaphorically wipe your tears or give you a hug after a long day or being the last person you talk to before you fall asleep. Every meme I send, every heartfelt moment I thank you for. I’ve had times in my life where I haven’t had anyone to write with or talk to - so thank you for being there for me. You do more than you know.

So back to the beginning. I’m not really a “mantra” girl or whatever - but if you have bad intention; if you want to enter my life have me trust you and bail, then there’s the door. If you are going to come into my safe haven and walk back out again, there’s the door. If you’re two-faced, there’s the door.

And in this upcoming year, you have hurt me before you aren’t welcomed back. If you’re reading this and wondering “oh I hope she’s not talking about me” I’m talking about you. There isn’t room for you here. Go find someone or something else. Don’t cry to me when something falls through or you need a placeholder because I’m not going to be waiting in the shadows for you to pick me back up. So, go find your community elsewhere because you have no place in mine. I picked up your pieces and we’re better off. But you can shove whatever you tell yourself up your ass because I don’t want any involvement in it. You will not hurt me again.

And I want to thank my wife/husband/waffle for encouraging me, supporting me and helping me whether I’m happy, sad, crying, laughing or any emotion in between. I think that being my partner is probably challenging at times and even though I know that is the norm for many couples I wouldn’t want to be doing life with anyone other than you. Thank you for accepting my passions and hobbies even if you don’t completely get them. - @margotdaddy

I wish you and yours a happy new year and all the best. And to my followers and mutuals, you guys are fucking golden. Thank you whether you’re from 2016 or you just started following my journey through writing and fangirling. Thanks for reading my stuff and sending me prompts and encouraging my creativity. It means the world to me, seriously. 🖤

See you later. ✌️

- @sc-rp