#This shit is really therapeutic

[crestbaby]

Corey Taylor invented therapy actually

[melusine0811]

Therapy triumph and neurodivergence

My therapist actually used the word "neurodivergent" with me. This is the first time anyone ever has, even since I was a little girl and being told for the tenth time in second grade that I was lazy. Or my fifth grade teacher body slamming my desk because I didn't do my homework again or lost it. Or completely incapable of getting decent grades in middle school despite the fact that I was classified as gifted. Or told by a dean that I would never become a teacher because of my grades (I transferred, fuck him.)

This makes me feel like so much less of a freak when I sit there and cry to my therapist about my academic struggles up until high school, my current mood swings, a lifetime of impulsivity, occasional angry outbursts, hyperfixations, forgetting to eat, loss of interest, loss of executive function, complete disorder, scatterbrained-ness, lifetime of depression and anxiety, hospitalizations, inability to focus on ANYTHING for more than a few minutes at a time, and complete lack of faith I can do anything remotely challenging because the ADHD will block me and I'll fail. So I just don't bother. Why I have quit things I dreamed of doing (AKA my PhD) Add in perfectionism and well....I try things, I think I fail, I freak out, hate myself, repeat cycle.

Why I never shut the fuck up, and why I tell people WAAAY too much. Why I overshare and why I smother people. Why many of them run away.

Girls weren't diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger, and my therapist says the number of women my age (especially she said during perimenopause when ADHD symptoms INTENSIFY x 10) is staggering because they are so APPARENT now they can't be ignored.

I feel so...validated. Like holy shit. Like I'm not a complete asshole. Like my body is sabotaging me, but I'm doing everything I can to fight it. Maybe I AM trying as hard as I can. And maybe one day I will feel like enough.

Is there anyone out there, a late bloomer ADHDer for example, that has similar experiences?

[2wo-knav3s]

[girlinlavender]

girlhood for me and why it’s fucking cool and important: (kinda long)

so, girlhood for me is summoning demons at sleepovers, playing “runaway orphans” on the playground and becoming bloodthirsty mermaids in swimming pools. barbies getting messy divorces, shopkins engaging in cannabalism, stuffed animals fighting in wars.

girlhood for me is being evil and angry and creative and thoughtful and kind in ways that didn’t matter to most people and talkative about the wrong things in the wrong places in ways that isolated me from my peers and being wonderfully, violently, beautifully strange.

imagination running free cannot and should not always lead to cute, wholesome things that misguided adults percieve as acceptably docile play. yes, don’t hurt people, but if your idea of make-believe leaned a little bit more towards princesses riding on sparkly unicorns as they charged into battle, there is nothing wrong with that. i was a weird fucking kid. i would have full conversations with trees. pretend to be possessed to freak out babysitters. cry, laugh and scream at everything. i didn’t hurt people, and no one was scared of me, but i was made fun of a lot, and it really fucked with my sense of self and my perception of what staying true to yourself meant.

i had to unlearn that, am still unlearning that, and that shit’s fucking hard. btw, my experience as a girl is that of a cis, neurodivergent, able-bodied white lesbian with supportive, middle class parents, and all those things affected me and how people treated me and how i perceived the world and those inside of it.

girlhood for other people means other things. and that’s okay. some had stereotypically feminine childhoods, by choice or otherwise. some had a more masculine childhood, and may have been labeled a tomboy. and tons in-between had otherwise nuanced complexions within their own experiences as women. many people didn’t get to experience “girlhood” until they were of adult age, because they were raised under the impression that they weren’t a girl. many people do not associate girlhood with positivity, because their experience as a woman, or their childhood in general, was very debilitating or traumatizing for them. many people experienced girlhood only to one day realize that they were not female at all, or that their gender otherwise held more need for introspective thought that they originally had guessed.

my point is that “girlhood” holds nuance. it means different things for different people, and it is beautiful, and you are beautiful, either way. and if it hurt you, fucked you up, entangled you in things you’re still escaping from, you are valid in however you process that. you aren’t being dramatic, or being ungrateful, or not “letting bygones be bygones.” childhood sucks sometimes, and you are entitled to the anger you feel. we weren’t allowed to pass down our last names, so we passed down our fury instead, and it is wiser and wilder than our oppressors, or their namesakes. it made us, and allowed us to make ourselves. it is beautiful, and brilliant, and tortured in it’s glories and raptures, and so are we.

[frecklystars]

ok I’ve seen a few self shippers write letters to their F/Os… today is my anniversary with Megatron. I’m still very much in my Barbie fixation so instead of reblogging a bunch of TF posts like I did for heatwave this year, I’ll just write Megatron a letter.

Happy 3 year anniversary, Megatron. One year from today, I will probably be feeling so much better. Right now, I’m staying in another dimension (it’s all pink, and there’s... actually a few things here that make me think of you... even though I’m so far away now). I’m not brave enough to return to Cybertron just yet, therefore I must postpone celebrating our special day (if you can call it special, psh don’t flatter yourself), but in the meantime I’ll say this: I love you and I miss you more than anything in the world. You have no idea how much I miss calling you stupid while you roll your eyes, and I miss your smarmy smirk when you’d say something that gets under my skin. and I miss associating you with literally every single Charlie Puth song. I know we have an on and off relationship, I know we clash more than anything else, but we have something dangerous together and it’s addicting. I love it, I know you love it too. And I miss it. I really miss it. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you — that is to say, I’ve never hated anyone the way I hate you either. But that makes you special. You’re the only one who makes me crawl back for more even when you drive me crazy. You’re quite possibly the most fun person I’ve ever been with, for lack of a better word…

I don’t know when I’m gonna feel better. More often than not, my trauma feels so unbearable, I worry I’ll *never* feel better. I worry I’ll never go back to loving so fully with my whole heart. So many things changed almost a year ago, I was hurt and in the process i haven’t been able to see you. I’m sorry about that. You must be wondering where I went, why I left all of you without even saying goodbye. but I have to eventually get better, right? This cannot be the end of it.

Someone I thought I could trust did everything they could to keep me away from you. Someone really rotten spent over a year taking advantage of my kindness when I was at my lowest point, and ruined my connection with you and everyone else on Cybertron I had loved. It ruined me. I don’t know if you’d want to see me right now when I’m so broken up without you. I hate flinching when I see you, when I see everyone in that universe of yours. I hate believing you’d hurt me on purpose, because no matter how much we “fought”, I never believed you’d ever lay a hand on me. Now it’s the only thing that can cross my mind when I see you. I hate how my love with you was twisted into something so awful, I hate how this person made me wholeheartedly believe that you’d be violent towards me, for no reason other than the fact that I’m existing. I’m still in shock, it’s been months and I’m still so baffled how I’ve lost you. I hate having traumatic flashbacks when I see you. I hate the nightmares, i know it isn’t really you, but the fear towards you is still there and it lingers when I jolt awake. I hate that my insomnia is unbearable because I can’t sleep at all anymore. I hate losing you. Worst of all, I hated feeling you slip away from me each and every day for months until I couldn’t even look at you anymore.

but I’m starting to slowly but surely separate you from this person. I’m nowhere near ready to see you, but I’m not giving up on us. You used to make me feel so happy. I want that back. I promise I’m working so, so, so hard every single day to overcome this terrible pain inside of me.

one day I will kick my ptsd so hard in the ass and we won’t be apart anymore. my abuser may have ruined things but I’m coming back to you one day, even if it’s gonna take me a long ass time. I’m a little better than I was even just a month ago… can you imagine how far I’ll be in one year? The progress is slow, but it’s happening. And the people I’m with in this new dimension I’m writing to you from… they’re kind and gentle and glittery pink 24/7. They’re taking care of me and helping me get over a few triggers. but I never stop missing you. And you know I must be struggling if I’m so openly willing to admit that I miss you, haha…

I hope you believe in me. This feels like the hardest battle I’ve ever had to face. Being conditioned to believe that you and Starscream and every other Decepticon and Autobot would hurt me… losing you… it’s been the worst experience. But I know if I can get thru this I can get thru anything. I am your little warrior, aren’t I? Let me prove to you how resilient I am! Watch me get better! Next anniversary, I’ll surely be in your arms again, making you laugh. In the meantime, please wait for me. I know I’m so broken right now but I hope you’ll understand and you’ll be there when I come back. I promise I’ll come back. Know I’m thinking about you everyday and always missing you.

Just… don’t let it go to your head. Your ego is big enough already. Stupid. 🌟

[buck-yyyy]

is it silly that i genuinely think learning to do my makeup is one of the best things i’ve ever done?

tags for an explanation-

[byanyan]

this is not a fun headcanon, pls proceed with caution

byan indirectly attempted suicide on two separate occasions between the ages of thirteen and fourteen, both times by throwing themself recklessly into fights they were ill-equipped for and outnumbered in. both resulted in serious injury but only one ended with them nearly dying and finding themself waking up in the hospital.

similarly, while they've never directly attempted an overdose, they have on a few occasions taken unwisely large doses of different drugs with the mindset "well, if it kills me... whatever"

[august--and-everything-after]

Having said all that, I'm wondering how DARK-dark I want to get with my character. Cause there's potential for me to introduce some heavy stuff that I think would be 100% in-character but quite possibly Too Much for the campaign and the particular party.

[im-smart-i-swear]

normal family<3

[katyspersonal]

(Vent)

I find myself so conflicted. There are just... so many things I want to talk about. I want to talk about how infuriating it is that “feminists” fought so hard to claim that all women deserve respect - only to end up demonizing female beauty and fit-ness as a concept for being “cishet male bait”, or hate feminine characters in general unless they can get indulgence for being lesbians or trans women. How annoying it is that woke clout chasers run around slapping ‘comphet’ and ‘lesbophobia’ stickers on everything when people are righteously unhappy with bi erasure - would those people be content if someone “erased” a lesbian character saying she was just bi all along but convinced herself to be a lesbian out of hating men? BOTH can play this game, lil’ shit. How people come and have a go like ‘but we all are fighting the SAME battle against CIS WHITE MEN’ that makes me feel cringe for being a woman and thus dragged into this “opression” game against my will, I want to wash my gender away like dirt to not be associated with this madness - but when I step away too far I inevitably find legitimate incels that hate women like feminists hate men. When did I crossed the line where chased down stray dogs ended and true wolves started? Where can I hide?

But it is certainly not in my head. And I want to NOT want to talk about any of this, I just wonder - did it really have to get like this? Becoming so tangled with internet and fandoms? Well... I’ve ALWAYS been just an autistic kid more interested in fiction than reality, so maybe my fate is just written by how my brain is built, heh. But there is just boiling anger that I sometimes struggle to contain, it ends up feeling like I am a dragon that simply tried to make a deep sigh - and bam, accidentally everything around got ignited. After this I feel like I did something wrong - despite ‘ranting about things you dislike’ is such a relevant thing that some Youtubers make it their BRAND and get hella followers! But I just feel like now everything ignites, and I should extinguish the coals with memes, reblogged pretty arts, jokes and ‘happy thoughts’. But ‘touch the grass’ or not, but the frustration is always here somewhere, like a permanently smoking volcano. I know rants are okay, but it always feels like after I only BARELY open up about my perpetual annoyance - people already get scared. So what would they think of me if I lost ALL inhibitors and just got it ALL out?

I just want to believe that out there there is a hater (affectionate) so furious that I am no match to them, and me ranting to them will feel like barely a complaint, let alone rant. And it will feel greeeeeeat for a while, because this anger will be out of my mind.

[trixibebe]

I have a save file exclusively for Zhao's last drink link to kick Mabuchi's ass as many times as I feel like it.

The save file is a bit older so you can imagine my surprise when I saw that my boys were shitfaced.

[stonesandswords]

love it when ur therapist, knowing full well that you struggle with familial, personal, and therapeutic abandonment doesn’t show up to your set appointment time and then still charges you for it.

thanks for that really 🙃🙃🙃

[femmeterypolka]

i hate my trich but i cant stop i can never fucking stop

[terminaxshowtime]

ok so now I just really want to vent but it feels really awkward because I know for a FACT that I don't have it nearly as bad as some of you, I barely think it's bad at all, but apparently it's a lil bit messed up according to irls so yeah...

[sacrificialmutt]

no rizz just big puppydog eyes and a deep spiritual need to get the shit beaten out of me

[gentlethorns]

sigh i carry it w me. i carry it all w me. when and where do i put it down