#WOW THAT GOT LONG

[tonguetiedraven]

So I was cleaning up a few manga panels for my other blog, and darn it, I need to talk about my thoughts on two scenes in the Shimane Illuminati arc (specifically chapters 61 and 62) because Kato deserves all the applause for everything. This post will be for chapter 61 and I'll post 62 later.

TW/CW for character death, medical abuse, and mental health struggles. Content below the cut.

First, in chapter 61 we get this heart breaking page when Tamamo Kamiki dies.

To get into what I'm seeing with this panel, I need to give a brief (or I'll try and make it brief) overview of Tamamo. Tamamo gets introduced to us in chapter 52 and the first panel we get of her is her sobbing into the camera that everyone acts so cold towards her because she is sleeping with the head priest and not married to said high priest.

We are then told that she was an irresponsible and careless woman by Mike. We find out three really important things though.

Tamamo is judged by the people around her and gets a cold shoulder

Tamamo relies heavily on her daughter and the byakko to have the house run at all and has dreams of a fantastic family and house she has shown no ability to actually run.

Tamamo is in love with the (shitty) Chief Priest of Inari and that he isn't married to her.

We then find out:

That Tamamo and her entire line have always managed the terrifying and unruly Nine Tails by assimilating the god and becoming her, and that the town/shrine distrust her because of that, even though she does it to protect them. They ostracize her for the duty her family has and they judge the entire family because she had Soji's children.

Notice Soji isn't in the judged club and that Soji has never seen his daughters. He's never been to her house. It is always her going to him.

This theme of ostracization is something that pops up over and over and over again in Blue Exorcist. Almost all of the main characters had a childhood that was lonely and where they were rejected by their peers--almost always for things outside their direct control and almost always in someway connected to demons, even if they didn't know it, but I'll get to that more in a moment. Suffice to say, at this point we can see that Tamamo is isolated outside of her illicit meetings with Soji (not at all healthy as we'll see later on) her interactions with the demons around her, and her daughters, neither of which are old or mature enough to offer her the type of companionship she's in need of, which leads to everyone in this tangled dynamic having unhealthy relationships with each other.

We see Tamamo seeking connections and affections and largely being rebuffed by it everywhere except Tsukumo and the byakko. Soji's affection has strings attached, and Izumo is too fed up to offer any affection. The other members of the shrine ostracize her and give her a cold shoulder, and I'd bet money that they're vocal about their opinions any time she's around. (And they likely don't care if the kids are around or not.)

What I'm getting at is that Tamamo is lonely and you see that in how desperate she is for approval and connection and it mostly comes out with Soji. She does whatever he wants to keep her connection to him intact. We've also had a few indications thus far in the manga that isolation and depression and poor mental health are things demons take advantage of. We'll get more explanation on that later on, but suffice to say that Tamamo is not at all in a healthy spot to be constantly risking possession against an immensely powerful and evil demon.

I'll be honest and clear up front that I have no love for Soji and think him deplorable and he did not do anything to help Tamamo that we see. Rather, it seems he exclusively used her for his own pleasures without any care for her or the consequences their time together had.

I also think it's important that everyone know that Nine Tails -- at least the Nine Tails in this story -- is based of Tamamo no Mae who is an infamous yokai in Japanese lore. She has a long and complicated history with her origins unknown and a lot of political manipulation, but an important thing to know about her is that she is always depicted as a child eater. She devours women as well, and thrives on seducing men. She's beautiful and powerful and alluring, and she's manipulative.

So generations of women manipulated and regularly partially possessed by Nine Tails down the line, we have a shrine and town that reject Tamamo and her losing her grasp on the one adult who 'likes' her, and we see this moment:

We see her staring at him, enjoying the light atmosphere and gathering her courage (the sweat drop in the panel has me thinking she's nervous about this because it's not the first time this convo has happened.)

She wants him to come to her house and is trying to make it as appealing as possible. She wants a family and the life she's been dreaming up.

Soji rejects the idea entirely and pushes further by saying if she asks for him to interact with the kids in any way he'll dump her. The one adult connection she has will be lost because of her children. (Not actually. It's because he's a dick but she sees it as the children being the problem.)

She then goes immediately to Nine Tails to do the dance of spirit invocation which we're told this about:

So Tamamo--who has been isolated and lonely for at least a large chunk of her adult life is now seeing the one connection she's made with another adult (and an unhealthy one at that) potentially break because of her children-- goes to assimilate the Nine Tails in that unstable and unhealthy emotional and mental state.

It is heavily implied that Nine Tails started to take her over at this point, and you see her become more and more obsessed with Soji and more angry with her children, further isolating herself away from the small amount of support and connection she did have until she's entirely possessed by the vengeful and malevolent spirit of Nine Tails.

She murders Soji and tries to do the same to her children before the Illuminati take her and subject her to years of torture, all while she's still possessed by the Nine Tails.

One more detail and I'll get back to the scene in chapter 61.

When Tamamo was last fully in control of her faculties and saw her daughter, she saw Izumo in the same place she was. Ostracized by her community with no one but their small family to lean on. Her daughter was doomed to follow the same path Tamamo had, and at this point, it looks like this was a cycle that had been going on for at least a few generations. Isolated and connection starved women raising daughters who were isolated and connection starved children. Tamamo became overly touchy and clingy to everyone where Izumo became mistrustful. (And man does she have a lot of reasons for that.)

Now back to chapter 61 and the moment Tamamo dies.

She wakes up amongst the chaos of the zombie hoard going towards possessed Izumo, and she immediately intervenes to get the Nine Tails spirit back inside herself to save her daughter.

That's important to understand for her. She moved before the next moment I'm going to talk about. She saw Izumo possessed and didn't seem to hesitate to save her daughter. She has been tortured for five years and immediately moves to start that horrible possession again.

But while she's dancing to contain Nine Tails in herself, this is going on in the background:

Each of the other teens in the room came to get Izumo and they're shouting their support of her even while they fight an endless hoard of zombies because they came to get her. Tamamo can hear that happening and she can see that they came to help Izumo.

No one came to help Tamamo. At no point did anyone ever come to rescue her or fight for her. She was blamed for everything and was left to bear all the consequences for five years. (I am not blaming Izumo for that. She was a child and was not responsible for saving her mother.)

But with "We're here for you!" ringing in Tamamo's ears, she completes the ritualistic dance and frees her daughter from the possession.

Tamamo in her dying moments looks at her daughter and sees a community around her that Tamamo didn't have. She sees people willing to intervene and help and fight even though Izumo is pushing them away and possessed and not easy to get along with.

Tamamo, from everything we saw, was isolated and rejected by her community and had no one to support her. She was manipulated and played by her significant other and left vulnerale to possession by a society that needed her to do the thankless job and hated her for doing the thankless job. She was bubbly and friendly and still pushed away and rejected and ostracized until she succumbed to Nine Tails.

back to chapter 52

Blue Exorcist talks a lot about curses and ostracization. All the main cast suffer from it in some way or another. They've all been called terrible things and most of them have been treated as if they aren't human, and a lot of them have complicated lineages and may not be fully human which just amplifies the amount they're rejected by their peers.

For Tamamo, that curse was literal and figurative. The literal curse was the constant absorption of an insane demon that eventually consumed her until she'd destroyed what little family she had.

It was figurative in that as the head priestess and medium in charge of the rituals, she was rejected by the community she needed to support her. She was left floundering on the outside, always given just a taste of what she could have had if she was born to a different family, and left with a longing for what she would never be given and always wondering why she couldn't have it. (And yes, I'm probably reading into some things and filling in the blanks with hypothesis and assumptions.)

But in that final moment, Tamamo sees that curse of isolation and rejection has been broken by Izumo. That her daughter, who like all the daughters of the Kamiki line was alone, is no longer alone. That she has friends and support. Support that followed her into this hell and reached out to call her back even from a demon like Nine Tails.

I don't know if I've made myself all that clear, but I love the way that Kato has shown this over and over again and keeps showing the rejection of isolation and ostracization as any kind of solution. That she keeps showing through each of these relationships and arcs that it's reaching for and connecting with other people that brings change and healing and hope, and I love how she shows that through moments like this. It's a little moment that's so easy to miss, but it's so immensely huge when looked at in the context of the entirety of Tamamo's life.

I wish she knew that they would have come for her if they'd known she'd been there all this time. I wish she'd have found a community to support her and I wish she'd had someone to tell her Soji was a dick and she could do better.

I wish she could see Izumo now, still connected to her friends and even though it's the end of the world, she's fighting with and beside them. That she's seeking out connections and learned her lesson about not needing to be alone. That she's teased and loved and welcomed.

But I'm pretty sure in that final moment, she saw it all anyway.

[moonstruckme]

how do ya think the marauders would react to getting in... suggestive positions with each other whilst playing twister?? ILYYYY

Haha I feel like Sirius and James would both start out joking around but steadily get more competitive. Sirius would be wayyyy into it, like actively rubbing up on whoever is nearest to try to get a reaction from them, whereas Remus I think would be acting unbothered but really quite smug anytime one of you reacts to his proximity--and as usual he'd be the most able to trip Sirius up, pretending not to care and then casually reaching over Sirius so he's practically on top of him and the poor guy like gulps audibly. James I think would be the least lewd about it, he's teasing everyone but honestly just there for a good time, though occaisionally some form of contact will fluster even him and he'll sort of giggle before redirecting all of his attention to making sure he doesn't fall because his limbs have gone all wobbly

[rapha-reads]

To those of you wondering (aka no one), I finished both The Vampire Armand and Merrick and I have a lot of thoughts and feels. I'm skipping Blood and Gold for now to go directly to Blackwood Farm (I'll read B&G later), but first I'm going to read something else, just to take a break.

TVA thoughts: man, Armand is messed up. And extremely compelling. But so messed up. As always, the theme of faith crisis, which seriously reaches new heights with these bitchy vampires, is not something I can fully immerse myself in, but it was fascinating to see his numerous metamorphosis. I liked how he bridges Western and Eastern Christianisme, especially through art. Now I'm thinking that if Rolin Jones makes him originally Muslim in the show, that could expand even more the conversation on how faith, and especially Abrahamic faith, has been in conversation for thousands of years and could be such a rich, diverse and spiritual, intellectual and artistic theme. I can already imagine some fascinating discussions comparing (not in a superior way but in a complementary way) coming from Muslim faith to Roman Catholic faith, the way book!Armand talks about the richness of his life in Kiev Rus despite the poverty and ascetism, and the richness of his life in Venecia despite the luxury and abundance.

As for Benamin and Sybille... I don't have much thoughts about them. Sybille is one of those female characters AR seemingly favors, not so much human as a nymph or a dryad, "perfectly splendid". And Benji is a caricature of an Arab child. Nuance? 401 not found.

Merrick thoughts: David for the love if everything, shut. The. Fuck. Up. Holy moly. I like David, I do, but damn the entire recollection of his history with Merrick was looooooong. I'm here to see Louis haunted by Claudia and haunting Lestat's coma, not how hard you're pining for the kid you practically raised! Also. ALSO. You're just going to leave that whole thing with the Olmec or possibly another more ancient Mesoamerican civilisation without ever giving us more? That was the most interesting part of it all! The vodoo history, the connection between Louisiana and Caribbean vodoo and old Native South-American religions! More about this, less about Merrick's perfect breasts, I am begging you. (It is at this point that the reader of this post realises OP is 100% definitely ace and more interested in books and witchcraft than breasts and whether a 70yo man can still get it up - also, hey, Anne Rice's vampires are practically asexual and their lust and pleasure is mostly derivated from blood, with some notable exceptions like Armand and Marius, and a love relationship between two vampires is then based on romantic love and blood sharing, so can I hear a hell yeah for some ace representation or are we still conflating eroticism with sex)

Another thing I kept thinking about throughout the book is how Louis is perceived by his fellow vampires. Since basically the second book, since we've lost his own POV, everybody who's ever said anything about him (so Lestat, Armand and David) have insisted on two points: how very weak and meek Louis is, and also how irresistible, beautiful and charming. Granted, I've known Louis first through his portrayal on the show (hi Jacob you're so fiiiiiiine), and then through his own narration in the first book, but I've never had the impression that he was weak. Beautiful and seductive, yes. Weak? I see a human man going through tragedies and still enduring, going through vampiric transformation and then suffering for decades the loss of his humanity, struggling with reconciliating both sides of himself, but mostly I see a vampire who rebuilt himself after losing everything without sacrificing his sense of self. I see Louis as very strong actually (up to the point where resilience breaks, because resilience cannot be sustained on a long term, but that's another debate). He knows who he is, and don't you know how hard that is? He doesn't cling to faith or pride. He knows he's doomed, he knows he's monstrous, he knows there's nothing he can do to change that, and instead of railing against his fate, he goes on about his undead life. He gets his books and he reads them, he surrounds himself with literature and what little comforts he thinks in his shattered self-esteem he deserves (his ragged sweaters and soft trousers); let's not lie to ourselves tho, Louis doesn't like himself, or more exactly he doesn't care about his corporeal body - what matters to him is his mind, and once again, this author is extremely ace and also very aro and very nonbinary, so Louis to me is very much ace and agender coded, though really not aro, because his love for Lestat (and sometimes his fondness, shall we say, for Armand) is the only thing that can rouse him up from his literary slumber.

...

Oh, man, I have a lot to say about Louis, for how little he appears in the books so far. Still have BF, BC and the PL trilogy to devour. So I guess you can say, for as much as Lestat is occupying my entire brain, very much like him, my favorite is Louis? Yeah, that tracks. Melancholy, quiet, dark-haired green-eyed monster with more humanity than humans, preferring his solitude and the company of books to anyone else, hopelessly and helplessly devoted to one person, expert in brooding and grieving, literature specialist, not very attached to his physical self. Yeah. I'm not surprised.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

GMMTV 2024 part 1

My thoughts on the trailers (from what I can remember and from some dms I shouted to @grapejuicegay two nights ago...and which I also did last year as well - that was interesting to read again!) and in order of preference/excitement about its potential:

Pluto has to be top of my list because not only WOMEN but WOMEN KISSING OTHER WOMEN. I'm a little confused on the story (like most people it seems) but I'm here for a little mystery. I just hope we don't get a repeat of 'one twin being awoken from a coma by the other twin having sex'...or maybe I do.

Of course Ploy's Yearbook is second because, again, WOMEN. But also JIMMY! And Joong and Mond! I don't even mind the 'adopted siblings' thing, because in my mind the adoption is a recent thing and they haven't grown up together (watch me be wrong). Anyway, here for the ladies not for the story.

How could I not put My Precious the Series in third spot with Nanon (and Film)?! Not only are these two adorable together but HOW has Nanon managed to look SO YOUNG here? (At 22 I know he's still young but he looks even younger). I guess the plot is a simple teenage friend group lovestory but I don't care, I'd watch Nanon in just about anything. (Ooo, and Fon [10 Yrs Ticket] is co-directing!)

Whether Peaceful Property is a bl or not I am signed the f up. This trailer was the best to be honest. It was like a refreshing slap in the face and I would have set it top if it hadn't been for The Women and Nanon. Spooky hijinks? Absolutely. Found family? I'm eating that shit up. Jan being kooky? More more! New in a more domineering role than Tay? Yes please. This was basically me:

I'm sort of 80% believing/trusting that Kidnap is a BL, not that that's the only reason I'll be seated for it. No, I'm here for Ohm. Now, I did say that about him last year in Double Savage and then I couldn't get past ep 3 (even though I had said I couldn't wait to see him in something heavy and dramatic...the intergenerational trauma was just too much for me) but I have high hopes for this one. And I'm intrigued as to why they've put such a newbie (Leng) opposite such an experienced actor (and someone SO experienced with bl series), so I'm thinking they will either use that difference in the plot, OR they know Leng is just That Good, OR he's a 'placeholder' for another actor who will be recast in the role. We'll see if I'm right. (Also, it's directed by Noom [Midnight Museum]...)

What's not to love about The Trainee? (apart from the fact that we haven't even had Cooking Crush yet so how am I supposed to get excited over another Gun/Off show?!?). We get Off and Gun again, and then there's Sea...and a possible GL side couple??? And it's not set in a school/uni!! Let's see how different it will be to ABAAB...

At first I was a little disappointed to see that GMMTV was doing a My Love Mix-Up! remake, even with Fourth and Gemini (whom I love) and Au directing (MSP and BBS), because I would have preferred to see them in something new, maybe something meatier (having seen what they could do in Moonlight Chicken), but I guess I don't mind. It will be interesting to see how Thailand approaches this story and if they can do the nuance of the exploration of sexuality as well as the original.

I'm excited for Wandee Goodday mainly to see Great again but Inn also looks good. This is an interesting pairing, and I love some of the side characters. The main reason it's not higher up the list is because I'm not a fan of boxing, but I'm definitely here for the friends-with-benefits to fake-dating shenanigans. Oh and for Golf (The Eclipse) directing.

What can I say about My Golden Blood that hasn't already been said?! Gawin in another BL! And with Joss! And Mond again! And it's about VAMPIRES! Signed and sealed. Give it to me. (Also, it's the same director as Shadow: Ark).

We Are looks cute, and it's nice to see all the couples again but the trailer didn't wow me. Having said that, it'll probably end up being my favourite or something knowing me 😂

The main thing I'm looking forward to with Only Boo! is to see Louis and Aun (and maybe the other two but I don't know them) killing it with the dancing (unfortunately there'll probably also be singing). I mean, look at this. Show me what you've got Louis!

I'm not really feeling Summer Night at all to be honest. And they used the ost for UMG at the end which threw me as well. I'll see what the real trailer looks like and decide whether to watch it then...but my hunch is I won't.

High School Frenemy had FAR too much fighting in it and I'm not sure if I'll watch this one. It seems like it should be a bl but I don't think it will be (I am fighting the urge to read up on the Korean original). BUT I might show up for these three...as well as View, Est, Mark, Mark, Prom, and AJ AND JJ (my beloveds). I'm warning the show, though, it had BETTER have a DAMN GOOD REASON why Shin won't forgive Saint. (I've just seen it's directed by Fon, so that's giving me more hope).

I'm really really hesitant about Ossan's Love Thailand and it's not because I know the original (because I don't) but mainly because I've never felt inclined to see the original because of one of the age gaps. I'm usually fine with age gaps but this one just feels icky. I wonder what they'll do with the Thai version...but it's directed by Au, so I'll probably watch it (and because it's Earth/Mix - duh), but I might not do the whole comparison with the original thing.

And lastly The Interest (Movie Trailer #2) and Enigma 2 which I doubt I will watch. The former is a movie, so I don't know if it'll get an international release, and the latter is a sequel and I haven't seen the first series...and probably won't unless someone gives me good reason to otherwise.

[uncleskyrule]

oo im curious about the modern au! any lore u wanna share? :3

(whoopsie, i forgot this was the account for this stuff)

Hi AK!! Fun fact, before you asked this, there was no lore at all for the "different era, same spirit" AU. Evie (@inumbrapugnabimus-maybe/@whyoneartheven) and I are pretty relaxed about this AU, so we haven't done any real world-building. As ideas come up, we just write/draw them! And I just came up with this :D So here's the general idea for Legend and Marin's story:

They met while playing an online game called Awakening (maybe something like Sky: Children of the Light?). His avatar was a pink bunny, hers was a seagull. She had been playing for a while before he joined and met her on one of the in-game realms, Koholint Island.

They bonded quickly and went on adventures together, exploring the realms and doing the game's quests. Ever since the beginning, Marin was very vocal in the voice chat, and she often sang little songs as they played. Later Legend grew more confident and started talking too, and even humming along.

Just as Sky: CotL's developers are always looking for feedback, Awakening's devs did too. I haven't decided the details yet, but let's say an issue came up in the gameplay--maybe the monsters were too overpowered??--and Legend sent in some feedback. The devs listened and changed it, but something happened in the system so that the next time Legend went to the beach where he and Marin always met, she wasn't there. When he checked his friends list, her name was gone. It was as if she had never existed.

He looked everywhere for her, traveling throughout the realms and scouring every nook and cranny for any trace of her--even daring to ask in voice chats if anyone had seen the seagull with the hibiscus accessory who had the most beautiful voice in the world. No one had any answers. He even messaged the devs on Discord and begged them for help, but they couldn't do anything, and threatened to ban him if he bothered them further.

Ever since then he has had so much guilt and misses her terribly. He regrets never having mustered up the courage to ask her number. One time, Wars tried to make him feel better about the whole thing by saying that Marin was probably just an old man using a voice changer and Legend socked his lights out. No one brings it up now.

[beyondkailani]

I've now mostly recovered from my first encounter with that little virus that's taken the world by storm (after 4 weeks of feeling rotten), spent an hour on the phone today trying to educate my grandmother on just how serious the economy is right now and have been left entirely frustrated by her continued use of the phrase "well you've worked hard all these years maybe your luck will change". No, no it won't because wages aren't keeping up so I have to make do.

I'm completely and 100% frustrated and what do I do when I can't go buy a book? I write. That is going to be my evening. I'm throwing on Seinfeld and I'm getting my head down for an hour or so before I go to bed (because c*vid has apparently completely changed my sleep patterns and I can no longer stay awake past 10.30pm 🤷‍♀️ RIP my night owl self I guess).

*deep breathe*

Where's my pen. This feels like a pen sort of day

[weirdronpa]

Whoosh Whoosh☆ !!

This is more of a passion doodle for me! It's been in my mind ever since I saw this little goober's emoji (is that what it's called?)

Without the text!

Here's the fun moments while playing the game that made me want to do this little doodle! (I'll spare you of too many screenshots!)

I'm sorry for the longer post! This has just been something that's been on my mind since late December, and I'm happy that I've finally done it! I know it's a bit wonky, but I'm still happy with how it turned out! I wasn't really looking to draw it in the game's style, just mine. So, I wasn't really looking for the image to be a 1 to 1 copy! I have more Ensemble Star thingys I wanna post (They've been taking me multiple hours, and I've lost focus on them many times). Don't plan on them being posted soon- You might just get doodles for now rather than full-blown things, but hopefully that's okay!! Sorry about the whole info dump, but I hope this explains things a bit! Whoosh Whoosh ✩!!

[crescentmoonrider]

F, G, and M for the ask meme!

[fanfic ask meme]

thank you for asking ! i was hoping someone would ask to F, now that i actually have some direct dialogue in my catalogue dfghfdgh

so yeah, thank you

F : Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

there are. so many scenes i like in what i've dubbed my "tojiyuuta manifesto" (aka "If this unreliable self can become someone...", aka 28k words of an Edo AU i wrote so i'd have something to read when i have a craving for these two dysfunctional guys), which makes it hard to choose one

on the one hand that's a good thing, since i did write it with the intention of making the best text possible so i could trick people into caring about this relationship, but on the other it makes this question a hard one

so uh. here goes i guess :

Yuuta doesn’t need to add anything. He could let Toji-san call the doshin an incompetent bastard and move on. Let him think Yuuta’s night went by normally after that initial encounter.

Yuuta doesn’t need to say anything.

“He offered to let me stay in his room for the night, actually.”

The thing twisting and clawing inside of him, though, wants to. He doesn’t know why. Doesn’t understand.

There’s a bitter taste in Yuuta’s mouth, like sharp edges and mustard leaf.

“He what ?” Then, “please tell me you didn’t do that.”

Yuuta shrugs, falsely nonchalant.

“It sounded better than sleeping in the street. Quieter, too. He was only there for a few hours once his shift was over, so I got to sleep before that.”

Toji-san’s jaw clenches.

“And you just – Yuuta, you know samurai can’t be trusted !” There’s something tense in his voice, almost fearful. “What if he took advantage of,” Toji-san’s eyes widen for an instant, “did he try something ? Did he do something to you ? Is that why you didn’t want to talk before ?”

It should feel good, Toji-san’s worry, his anger at the thought of someone hurting Yuuta. Should feel warm. Should make Yuuta smile and reassure Toji-san and apologize for worrying him.

Instead, Yuuta just laughs, bitter and mean, sharp like Rika-chan’s claws and the sword Toji-san gave him.

Like the sword Toji-san taught him to use.

“Oh, please ! The last person who tried to do that without my consent was your cousin, and I’m sure you remember what Rika-chan did with him.” Blood and flesh and bones, not even human anymore, and Yuuta is so angry he doesn’t care. Maybe angry isn’t the right word. He doesn’t know. He feels like throwing up. “So really, I don’t know why you’re so worried.” Is that really his voice ? It doesn’t sound like him. “Or do you just think I can’t decide to spend the night with someone ? Because if so,” it feels like wood splinters are lodged inside his throat, painful and raw and Yuuta claws at his own neck, at the phantom sensation, as he spits them out, “then you’re a fucking hypocrite.”

He expects Toji-san to maybe be stunned, to give him the time to catch his breath before he answers Yuuta’s words. That’s not the case.

“You… why the fuck are you angry ? And wait, you’re pissed at me ? So you just, fucked a doshin !? Couldn’t you at least find someone less disgusting if you wanted to… what did you even want to do with that ? Make me jealous ? Is that it ? Because that’s fucking stupid ! And why are you even angry, it’s not like we’re-”

“I was scared !”

At this, Toji-san stops talking.

Yuuta’s eyes sting.

“You- Don’t-” He tries to breathe through the twisted knot in his throat. “I don’t care if you think I did something gross, I just. I was,” the feeling he was trying to keep at bay and hide all this time emerges from the torrent of words, like Yuuta’s very own ghost, “terrified. I thought maybe, maybe you would have so much fun, and I only ever cause trouble for you anyway, of course you wouldn’t want to come back. I don’t want to be alone, I didn’t, it didn’t matter who it was, I just… I thought if I could, I don’t know, do something normal people do ? Maybe I could live on my own, maybe, even if you get tired of me, I could still want to live.” Yuuta wipes a tear from his face, head low. “It didn’t work, by the way. It, Rika-chan was there the whole time and I thought she was going to kill him and I was. I was scared. I can’t go back to who I was before, I can’t…” His voice cracks. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

There’s relief, somehow, among the tears and the feelings he’s imposing on Toji-san. Relief at getting it out, at finally putting words on the anxiety that was eating at him ever since Toji-san left him yesterday. The lifting of a weight from Yuuta’s shoulders.

At the same time, there’s shame, crushing, pressing on him so hard he can’t even look up. Can’t look at Toji-san anymore.

How could he, when his true self is nothing more than a leech ? When he is burdening Toji-san with that knowledge ?

Yuuta stares at the ground. Flinches when he hears Toji-san’s voice once more.

“You… you’ve been feeling like that since we separated ?”

Yuuta nods.

“Why didn’t you tell me ?”

“I…” Yuuta’s voice sticks to the inside of his lungs. He takes a slow breath, tries to get the air out. “I couldn’t ? I mean, I just, I don’t want to make you feel bad, or,” breathe, just breathe, “or stop you from having fun. It’s your life, it’s, I don’t have the right to tell you what to do. And I already, I’m always trouble, with Rika-chan and how much you already do for me, it’s not, it’s not my place. It wouldn’t be fair of me, to ask you to stay. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Toji-san doesn’t say anything. Of course he doesn’t, what could he even answer to that ? It’s all true. Yuuta doesn’t have the right to stop him from living his life, from having his fun, even if it means Toji-san will realize how much he’s missing out on by staying with Yuuta.

Even if he decides to leave for good.

There’s a sigh, deep and so full of potential meaning it makes Yuuta shiver. He’s said too much, he’s made Toji-san feel bad, he –

Feels a hand on his head.

Toji-san pulls Yuuta against his chest awkwardly, his warm hand remaining on Yuuta’s head as if to protect him, like the hats the old man gifted to Ojizou-sama.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says. “I need you. You know that, right ?”

Yuuta doesn’t. He shakes his head, pressed between Toji-san’s hand and the side of his breast, shoulder uncomfortably twisted to avoid stabbing Toji-san in the ribs.

“You’re the only one who sees any good in my worst part,” Toji-san says. Yuuta doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “Even Okiku, she just didn’t care about that. She couldn’t see, so it didn’t matter to her that I couldn’t either. But you… you said you’re glad.” His voice shakes a little. “You said you’re glad. So, it’s fine if you… if you can’t live on your own anymore. If you need me. ‘Cause I’m the same.”

Oh.

in the end i chose this one, from “I need you, you need me (Won’t you say you need me too ?”, the third part of this series. the reason i chose this excerpt is because it’s a culmination of the story so far, and an emotional tipping point in Yuuta and Toji’s relationship

we have Yuuta, who learned from Toji how to be more assertive, and turns this assertiveness into something hurtful the same way as Toji sometimes does. Yuuta, who learned Toji’s coping mechanisms too, and tried applying them with little success by sleeping with the doshin

(and little does he know, but Toji’s attempts at compensating for a lack of emotional intimacy with physical intimacy doesn’t work that well for him either)

we have Toji, who learned emotional honestly from Yuuta, and used his big boy words for the first time to actually express himself

this theme of learning from one another, as equals, is one i explored in depth in the second part of this series, and although it was more focused on practical skills like swordfighting or laundry, the emotional through-line was still there - with Yuuta choosing to be stronger from the push Toji gives him, and with Toji showing kindness and care by applying the healing skills Yuuta taught him

so that’s one thing. and of course, with Toji admitting that he needs Yuuta just as much as Yuuta needs him, we have the official start of the codependent relationship i wanted to depict in this story. they’re both fucked up, but they’re happy together (i think), no matter what “together” looks like to them, so uh. good for them i guess

and, you know, it’s just a very emotional scene in general. i’m really proud of how it all came out (❁´◡`❁)

G : Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order ?

i tend to write everything start-to-finish, honestly

the only exception i can think of was in "I need you, you need me (Won't you say you need me too ?)" where i needed to like, ride the wave of inspiration the second it came in order to write the scene where the doshin and Yuuta start getting it on

(not that i actually wrote the “getting it on” part, mind)

but even that comes with the caveat that 1) i had the whole story mapped out by that point already and 2) i have never really written anything sensual like that before, so i really needed to take the words when they came to mind

so yeah

M : Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share ?

hmmmm sure i've got a few ideas and wips, i'm just not sure which ones i should share, since i'm notoriously awful at finishing things. ah, well, whatever. here's a few projects in various states of advancement, from various fandoms

"Quando corpus morietur"

a JJBA AU leaning into traditional vampire mythology to kind of rewrite Phantom Blood. Dio dies in a tragic accident, and then cattle start dying, Lord Joestar falls ill, and Jonathan is haunted by nightmares and horrible feelings of guilt. the local pastor finds a friend in a man who should be dead

the whole thing is planned, and the first three chapters, the ones that kind of set the scene, are already written. i just uh, y'know. i just gotta. yeah

unnamed winter horror project

this one on the other hand is still in the planning stages. i have the introductory arc down, and i know the rough events that i want to make happen, but it will take some time before i feel comfortable writing it

anyway, it's a JJK canon compliant fic (with the exception that i keep on forgetting that Yuuta comes from Sendai, so the whole thing takes place in Aomori) exploring Yuuta's state of mind after Rika's passing at the end of vol. 0, the way he worked on regaining his Special Grade status, and the horror that comes with finding out terrible things about a person who is already dead

there are mountains, and snow, and a yuki onna. there's the dead body of Rika's dad, lost in the snow. and there's the realization that a child shouldn't say her happiest years were the ones when she was dead, and there's nothing anyone can do to help her anymore

"Short circuits"

a Pokemon canon compliant... fic ? fics ? series ? anway, a young Volkner takes over the Sunyshore gym, and the engineering team in charge of helping him redesign all decide they hate his guts, so they throw the worst team player they have at him to make an early project, in the hopes that he quits. it's Cyrus, before he went full nihilist

in parallel to that, the Volkner from the games' present is fucking miserable, and we see him descend into the depressed state he's reached by the time the player character arrives. and also the world almost ends

it's all planned, the first chapter is done. just gotta write the rest

the one i'll write after Viper-lizard is done

AtlA canon divergence. Zuko isn't around for some reason, Katara doesn't get to learn how to fight at the Northern Water Tribe, Yue is a waterbender, and Azula isn't doing great. there's going to be focus on healing and medicine, the internal politics of the Fire Nation royal family, and i'm hoping to be able to fit some yuezula in there too because i just think they're neat :)

a lot of it is planned, in what might be too much detail, until pretty far into the story. i know the endgoal, more or less, so i can also keep on working towards that

i'm just going to wait until i'm done with "A viper-lizard's tales" before i start this one, since it's going to be at least as big a project, and one 150k+ fic at a time is more than enough i'd say

tojiokko kinky adventures

so the thing is that i've never been able to write smut, because the logistics just baffle me and i don't know how to make everything make sense

which means, of course, that last week my brain provided me with detailed ideas for 5 pwp one shots, and i've started writing one of them. it's... going alright ? for now ? so who knows, maybe i'll actually manage to finish that, somehow

for the curious, the OS i’m currently working on has roleplay, Yuuta in a sailor fuku, and bottom Toji. among other things

[sixofravens-reads]

Finished The Bird's Nest!

(spoilers ahead, sorry I couldn't write my thoughts without them)

Overall I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Any horror story dealing with "multiple personalities" is usually a pass for me, considering in the modern day it tends to just be another way to demonize mentally ill people, but Jackson's take on this trope (and I'm not sure if this was a trope in her time or if she was one of its originators) is unique. She uses it as an allegory for grief and guilt (SORRY i know that's overdone but it is!), in particular when you're grieving someone you loved but who also treated you horribly and who no one else seemed to like, and you don't know how to reconcile those emotions.

We hear many different stories about Elizabeth's mother from all her personalities before her aunt clarifies things. She clearly tried to love her daughter, but struggled with substance abuse, had a tendency to disappear for long periods of time, and had a boyfriend who was potentially abusive (it's never clarified, but it's implied Robin either tried to force Elizabeth out of her mother's life when he got tired of her or else abused Elizabeth directly), and when she died Aunt Morgen's opinion was basically "good riddance." In the end we find out it's Elizabeth who killed her mother, because she disappeared for two days and showed up to a carefully planned birthday celebration drunk/high. The killing was clearly unintentional, a teenage emotional outburst at the person Elizabeth loved the most betraying her again, and it's implied that her mother was already so weakened (or outright dying) from her addiction that Elizabeth"shaking" her was enough to kill her.

So Elizabeth is unable to handle the truth, and that's where the different parts of her personality come in: it's an allegory for the grief and guilt Elizabeth feels about her mother's death, and how she crushes every undesirable feeling down so that she can go on with life, without making her aunt angry or having to reconcile the facts about her mother, but as always happens when you try and repress your emotions, they start coming out in random outbursts and slowly Elizabeth loses control. Jackson is taking a normal situation to the extreme for effect, but I don't think she was necessarily trying to portray the condition realistically (so if you're sensitive about that, maybe take this book with a grain of salt or just avoid it).

We have Elizabeth, the "primary" for a while, who's very dull, not showing much emotion, just going along with what others want. She's the "safest" in that even when her aunt is upset with her, she doesn't think or feel as deeply about it as the others and she almost never thinks of her mother, and when she does she believes her mother died of a heart attack while Elizabeth was locked in her bedroom. Next there's Beth, who at first seems like the kindest and sweetest and "best" personality, but it becomes clear that if she experiences even the tiniest but of negativity she immediately crumbles. She's part of the hurt child that Elizabeth had to push down because she hadn't come to terms with the fact that she could never be "good" enough for her mother to treat her better. She immediately turns on Doctor Wright when Betsy dips in the middle of being yelled at and Beth accidentally gets part of the lecture. She's too emotional to listen to others and won't accept the doctor's apologies or explanations at all, and it's all downhill from there.

Then we have Betsy, the problem child. Betsy seems younger than the others, and potentially her development was stalled because of something Robin did (the only memory we really get from her is one of her and her mother and Robin at the beach, where he pretty much tells the mother to abandon Elizabeth/Betsy because he's annoyed with her). She's wilful, childish, rude, paranoid, and demanding, and struggles with learning how to behave in society. She's also very clearly a hurt child who wants to act out for attention, and wholeheartedly believes her mother is still alive. She has little care or concern for the rest of Elizabeth, and often pranks her other personalities and at one point runs away to New York and needs Bess to assert her dominance and get them home.

Finally, there's Bess, who believes she's 19 and her mother died just three weeks ago, and whose main concern is that her aunt is in control of her father's money (he died when Elizabeth was a baby, and left it in trust to Elizabeth, with Aunt Morgen to distribute funds until Elizabeth's 25th birthday because he knew he couldn't trust Elizabeth's mother with it) and she fears she's going to spend it all foolishly and leave Elizabeth destitute. That said, she's also a bit of a shopaholic and seems to believe that as long as she spends all her money on herself, everything's a-okay (Betsy often pisses her off by giving money to homeless people, she's that uptight about it). She also contains/is created by the emotions that killed Elizabeth's mother, namely pride, anger, and the deep feeling that she's being screwed over that comes from having a parent who always fails you.

So in the order that they're discovered, meaning how deeply they were buried in Elizabeth's psyche, we have: Elizabeth (the primary), Beth (the nice girl), Betsy (the misbehaving child), and Bess (proud and angry). Which tracks with how someone grieving/guilty might bury emotions they don't want to feel. Bess goes the deepest because it's "her" rage and humiliation that killed her mother and Elizabeth doesn't feel like she's allowed to be a proud, rich woman anymore. Then Betsy, because she makes life so difficult and Elizabeth can't face the childhood trauma that creates those emotions, and then Beth, who's the kindness and naivety Elizabeth wants to have but can't because it's not safe, and then Elizabeth at the top, going through the motions of life and trying to keep everyone around her happy and not rock the boat.

The problems come when Betsy, who can't be contained anymore, starts giving Elizabeth crippling migraines and writing her nasty notes in the brief time where she gains control, which leads Elizabeth to Doctor Wright who discovers her condition. Personally I think Betsy would've gained strength eventually and run away even without the doctor (similar to how I, ah, called in sick an hour into work last week and drove to the mountains because I couldn't deal with work stress anymore), but he was the catalyst for each part of Elizabeth realizing there are other parts taking control, which led to them all being able to come together. Doctor Wright is the kind of character who could've been written as a totally valid doctor in the 50s, but comes across as kind of suspicious nowadays. However, all of his machinations about crushing Betsy and Bess and making Beth the primary fail, because you can't just disappear your bad feelings by trying to be kind and sweet and pure, you have to accept and deal with them in order to move on. He was the catalyst for Elizabeth realizing she needs to accept and deal with all parts of herself, but she did the real work.

In the end, she becomes one whole new person, a merging of all aspects of her personality whose conflicting opinions cancel out, so she has to basically relearn how she feels about everything, including her aunt, who has been through the wringer dealing with a niece who alternately loves or hates her depending on the moment. She's still got work to do, and it's clear she'll have to do it alone since Wright and Aunt Morgen are too tied up in their own opinions of her and desires for who they want her to be to help, but she's got a new lease on life and time to figure it out, without the weight of her past.

So, TLDR: excellent allegory for the grief and guilt of losing someone you have a complicated relationship with, and how that wound can fester if you don't deal with your emotions properly. I wasn't expecting that and I'm a little surprised at how well it works and conveys a lot of thoughts about grief and trauma that I thought were more modern.

Anyway, 4/5 stars, will definitely buy a copy and reread it. Proceed with caution if you're sensitive about how multiple personalities are portrayed though, because as stated above I think this isn't intended to be a realistic portrayal and is using that as an allegory.

[spearxwind]

I think it's sad that most people always think of bottlenoses as the "classic dolphin" since its the one that's always used for shows, and always think of dolphins as just straight grey when in reality there's so many varieties with so many different amazing patterns

Look at the common dolphin! They have a gorgeous X pattern and even some dull yellow/gold!!

Hourglass dolphins have gorgeous white streaks

Spinner dolphins have really pretty banding as well, AND they have a really sleek cute silhouette!

The atlantic spotted dolphin!!! Theyre spotted!!!!!!

and the pantropical spotted too!!

Dusky dolphins have a gorgeous airbrush look going on like straight out of a 2000s fantasy illustration

Striped dolphins sure have stripes!! How cool!!

And these I've shown you aren't even all of them at all, there are so many of them:

There's so so so many different types of dolphins people dont know about this isnt even all of them and some are SO gorgeous and underrated because people just dont know they exist so I'm here to fix that

[possamble]

Needlessly close reading and long commentary on chapter 57 and how the audience actually has an extremely limited view on what Marcille has been like over the course of her life.

I am once again thinking about how pre-dungeon Marcille is so quiet and stoic that she seems like a completely different person. How jarring chapter 57 is for the audience. Like you have Marcille, who has been just the most blindingly expressive person with resting baby face

And then the chapter drops a title page of Marcille hearing from Falin for the first time in four years and it's like.

Who is that. Genuinely. Would you even realize that's Marcille without the context clues?

And then the chapter just keeps coming in with the sucker punches.

We have SEEN Marcille meet strangers. It was never with this understated of a smile.

literally who the hell is this. the few times the audience gets to see some Signature Marcille Faces that they're used to is when she finally gets to see Falin again

when she's testing out her new spells

(and when Laios and Falin are fantasizing about her being their damsel in distress, funnily enough)

And then finally. Finally you get to a fully recognizable Marcille when she fucking DIES and comes back to life to geek out about necromancy.

We know she loves magic. We know she loves Falin. So it's not so surprising that she wouldn't be able to keep a mask up when thinking or talking about the things she loves. But why the mask in the first place? Where does it come from? It's tempting to think that, maybe, Falin's departure just hurt her so much that it turned her into a quiet person.

But that's only half true. If you go back, the first instance you see of this incredibly mild personality is actually introduced much earlier, in chapter 17.

What if she was always like that. What if her default after her father died was to hold people at arm's length, to never really emote past being polite and friendly. What if Falin was the first person who was able to bring her out of her shell, and when she left, Marcille just went back to how she was.

And when comparing her detached demeanour with someone else...

It's not exact, but wouldn't you say there's a resemblance? Wouldn't you think she might be trying her best to imitate what she saw of her own mother working as an accomplished mage?

It would certainly explain why she's hiding behind her portrait in her nightmare, at least.

We aren't told that Marcille has been distancing herself from everyone around her using a mature and dignified personality she modelled off her mother. But we sure as hell are shown it, I think.

[reengeen]

NEW OBSESSION AQUIRED

[snabeus]

hhhough barbie movie thoughts…

i don’t think the “im going to see my gynecologist” line isn’t only just for us to know that barbie is fully human. the scene of her in the real world for a second (at least to me) seemed to imply barbie was getting some sort of dream job and found her purpose. but no. she’s just going to see a gynecologist. but the way she is so EXCITED… the way she’s taking the joy in this mundane thing that lots of women go through… the barbie movie is about enjoying just being ALIVE

TERFS GO AWAY 🍅 🍅 🍅

[weirdglassthing]

GRIMMORNING NATION RISEEE. Criminal lack of grimmorning on this site so I’m making it my personal mission to spread my propaganda

Ignore whatevers going on with torbek, even I don’t know. I just drew some lines for his body and called it a day

[severevoiddragon]

I haven't seen anyone talk about how Joel and Bdubs genuinely helped Pearl. Like, they knew what her task was. But they valued their alliance more than the reward they may have gotten for guessing correctly. And pearl was. So scared they'd guess seriously, like she was literally running away as Joel spoke his 'guess', and then turned around like 'oh'. She'd put so much into that alliance, but didn't expect them to reciprocate it. But they did. And I think that shocked her in a positive way.

[beetleoops]

You keep getting married to Beetlejuice

This fucker loves to party (and he loves you), so you are having weddings constantly

You officially get married in private, with only Lydia, the Deetzs and the Maitlands there. You take it easy so he can adjust to being alive, but Delia still throws a pretty fun party- if a little...odd. Still, it's enough for Beetlejuice to learn his alcohol tolerance isn't NEARLY as high now that he has a heartbeat.

"Babes!! I cannot fuckin wait to get married to you all over again." He's half asleep, laying his entire weight on you, reeking of booze, smiling like a dope. "Uh-huh. Me too, Beej." You pat his back.

(Also, turns out now that he sleeps for real, he snores. you think its cute.)

Once he's human (and more or less used to it), you have a more traditional wedding with your friends and family all there, and throw an all night reception and after party at a bar - beej loves the energy and is cheering on your grandparents to throw ass on the dance floor all night

"Fuck it up Agnes! Hell yeah!" (This is probably not your grandma's name. Actually, is that even your grandma?)

This goes over not great, but better than expected; everyone has a good time. You do too, of course. You are drunk and wearing white and laughing so loud, and when you aren't dancing, Beetlejuice can barely keep his hands off you. Hell, when you ARE dancing Beetlejuice can't keep his hands off you.

you go to Las Vegas for the honeymoon and get married again - Beej insists on the most tacky wedding possible and you agree.

You get married by an Elvis impersonater in a sticky little chapel on the strip. You wear a suit, and he wears a tight, short wedding dress with a veil and pumps.

"third time's the charm?" You ask, when Elvis finally says to kiss the groom. " Oh no, babes. We're hitting the drive through wedding chapel next."

"Deal!" And you dip him before kissing him square in the mouth.

You keep getting married to Beetlejuice, because you both want to make fucking SURE it sticks.