#When i saw those in the theater i was just a few years younger than stan is

[kennys-parka-jacket]

alright, gonna get something off my chest. Then i'll watch Youre Getting Burgers

[songforeddiemunson]

Can you please do a Eddie X virgin reader where there has always been romance and they never acted on it until they confess when there watching a film and then a couple weeks after they make out then have soft sex

Thank you so much for the request!! I made some minor adjustments because that's just the route the narrative took me, but I hope you like it! I'm SO sorry this took so long, it's been a nutty few weeks.

NEXT SUMMER

Eddie Munson x Fem!Virgin!Reader (description vague apart from AFAB for inclusivity)

Summary: Eddie meets a cousin of the Wheelers who is visiting for the summer, and falls head over heels. The problem is, she lives in Chicago, and needs to return in the fall. Can they handle it?

Warnings/Tropes: longing with a bit of angst, fluffy affection, romantic soft smut, mild language, aftercare, mostly this is just really sweet.

Word Count: 5517

August 1990

You first caught Eddie’s eye on a late summer evening, standing under the twinkling lights of carnival rides at the county fair. It was the sort of cotton candy sky just moments before the sun dipped below the horizon, signaling the end of another august day. The droning cicadas were rapidly giving way to the cricket’s song, but all of those innocuous details faded away as Eddie watched you as you waited in line for the Scrambler, talking and laughing with your companion.

Eddie’s heart nearly leapt in his throat when he saw that the person you were speaking with was someone he actually knew. Nancy Wheeler! his brain screamed, and before he realized what he was doing, his feet were carrying him forward as if he was on autopilot, such was your magnetism.

Nancy caught sight of Eddie as he approached, and her face broke out into a broad grin. “Eddie!” she exclaimed with delight. “It’s so great to see you!” She hugged him as you stood by, a polite smile gracing your lips.

“Likewise, Wheeler,” Eddie replied fondly, and when his eyes slipped to you, your heart nearly ceased its rhythm. The breath was stolen from your lungs, and all you could do was stare wordlessly at the handsome man who evidently was a friend to Nancy.

Unbeknownst to you, Eddie was experiencing the same physical paralysis under your gaze.

“Eddie! You have to meet my little cousin!  She goes by Ivy, but her name is–”

“Oh my god,” you moaned, cutting Nancy off. Blood rushed to your cheeks in mortification.  “I am not little, I’m twenty years old now!’

Nancy giggled fondly. “Well sure, but you’ll always be little to me.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m only two years younger than you, but whatever.”

Eddie laughed, and your cheeks pinkened even more. “It’s nice to meet you, Eddie,” you said. You struggled to meet his eyes; it was like staring at the sun.

“It’s good to meet you too Ivy, if– if you don’t mind me calling you that.”

You smiled and nodded enthusiastically. “Please do.”

And so you spent the rest of the evening with Eddie and Nancy, keeping things oh so casual but feeling like you might die every time he looked at you. You remained aloof because, after all, you didn’t even live in Hawkins, and eventually you’d have to return home to the city. 

When Eddie first learned that you would be returning to Chicago at the end of the summer, he was crestfallen but struggled to mask it.

“I’m sure Chicago is really cool,” he said with forced bravado. “Way cooler than boring old Hawkins.”

“Oh but I love coming here,” you breathed enthusiastically. “Chicago is cool and all, but this is so nice. I love smelling the mown grass, and being able to go to the drive-in movie theater, and all that great summertime stuff.” You gestured around you. “And the county fair! I love coming to the fair.”

Eddie smiled despite his growing sadness. “You make it sound pretty nice. But really it’s just cornfields…”

“...I love corn,” you countered.

“And strip malls…”

“.....strip malls always have video stores, and I love movies.” you said with a grin.

Nancy returned from buying a candy apple.

You pointed at her. “Candy apples! I can’t buy candy apples in Chicago.”

“Hmm?” she replied, confused, chewing. “I’m sure you can buy candle apples in Chicag–”

“Not from the fair though,” you interrupted. “They’re better from the fair.”

“Point taken,” Eddie said with a chuckle, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

“I do still want to jump in a creek though,” you said wistfully.

“Gross, no. There are leeches,” Nancy said.

“Not in creeks,” Eddie laughed. “Ponds, maybe. But creeks are fine.”

And so the evening wound down. You and Eddie went back and forth over the virtues of city vs country living, but Eddie had to admit, you did have a way of making Hawkins sound pretty great. When it was time to part ways, Eddie desperately wanted to kiss you, so much that his lips nearly burned from the need, but he refrained. What would a girl like you ever see in a guy like him?

Two days later, on a late Sunday morning, where the summer sun shone relentlessly through a bluebird sky, Eddie picked up the phone and dialed the Wheeler’s number with a shaking hand.

Mike answered, sounding like he just woke up.

“Mehllo?” he mumbled by way of answer.

“Mike! It’s Eddie.”

“Munson?!” that seemed to wake him up. “Dude! It’s been forever!”

“Yeah man! How are you doing?”

“Oh things are good, I’m going off to college next month, and–”

“Is your cousin around? Ivy?” Eddie blurted anxiously, covering his face in embarrassment over the way he must have sounded. “Sorry man, it’s just that I need to ask her something. I would love to catch up with you though! Before you head to school; we should get together.”

“Yeah definitely,” Mike responded, unbothered. "We’ll catch up. I’ll go get Ivy….” 

Eddie heard the handset thump against whatever surface Mike set it upon, and heard him call your name. He faintly heard your voice respond, which made Eddie’s already hammering heart pick up its pace. More fumbling noises ended with a slightly breathless, “Hello? Eddie?”

“Hi Ivy,” he replied, and you thought maybe you could hear a smile in his voice. “Wanna go jump in a creek?”

Your summertime in Hawkins was coming to a close; in only a few days’ time you were due to return to Chicago and university. As the final days ticked away, a ball of sadness gradually grew in the pit of your stomach. It was the best summer ever, and you were sorry to see its end.

Since the night you met him at the fair, Eddie had taken you cliff jumping into the Bear Creek, something that simultaneously terrified and thrilled you, leaving you more exhilarated than you have felt in a long while. But when you weren’t jumping, you simply floated in the water, watching the dappled sun dance across its surface, loving life.

Eddie also took you to the drive-in theater. It wasn’t a date, since he didn’t technically ask you out like that, and Nancy and Mike also insisted on tagging along. You lined camping chairs up in front of the van and rolled down the windows with the sound up loud so you could all sit together. It was a lovely, balmy night of watching Total Recall, and you ate too many skittles while swatting mosquitoes. It was perfect.

And now summer was ending and it was time to go, and you couldn’t possibly want to return to Chicago less. Why did you have to meet Eddie now?

You sighed as you packed up your things, folding clothes and setting them in your suitcase slowly, unmotivated. Nancy perched on the side of your bed, watching.

“You seem really bummed out,” Nancy remarked.

“I guess I’m not looking forward to going home. I wish I could stay a bit longer.” you replied, not bothering to hide your low mood.

“Would this have anything to do with a certain long-haired boy that lives on the other side of town?” Nancy prodded. It’s not like you were hiding anything.

“That obvious? And he’s twenty-four, he’s not a boy.”

Nancy nodded, with a giggle. “Fair enough.”

“And…maybe. I don’t know. It’s not like he’s kissed me or asked me out properly....” You stalled your packing, and you folded and unfolded the same sweater over and over while you let your thoughts wander.

“But you want him to?” Nancy prodded gently after a moment.

You sighed. “Yeah, I do. It’s kind of all I can think about actually,” you added with a wistful chuckle.  “But what’s the point when I live all the way in Chicago the other nine months of the year?” You flopped down dramatically on the bed with a huff.

“Maybe you can talk on the phone and stuff throughout the year, and pick up where you left off next summer?”

“Long distance?” You allowed a glimmer of hope to creep in. “Do you think that could work?”

Nancy shrugged. “I did it with Jonathan when he moved to California. It’s not easy, but it can work.”

You hitched a deep sigh. “What if he doesn’t want to?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Nancy replied.

The sky was overcast as you loaded the last of your bags into the back of the Wheeler’s car, matching your mood. You hugged Mike and Karen goodbye; Ted and Nancy were going to ride with you to the train station. You scanned the empty suburban streets for Eddie, but he was nowhere to be seen, causing your heart to sink even lower.

Just as you were about to climb into the backseat, you heard a sound that pulled your attention toward the woods at the edge of the neighborhood. There was some rustling and you saw that the flora was jostling about. What the–

Eddie suddenly materialized from the trees, calling, “Wait!” as he trotted over toward you. Your heart reversed its previous downward trajectory with haste, and happiness soared through you so abruptly and completely that you thought you might fall over.

“I cut through the woods,” Eddie stated breathlessly. “I was afraid I wouldn’t make it.”

“Just in time,” you grinned.

Ted poked his head out of the car’s driver window. “We’re going to be late if we don’t get going.”

“Oh– Okay, I won’t take long,” Eddie stammered slightly.  “I just wanted to say good bye and ask you…is it okay if I call you?”

You struggled to contain your delight at the suggestion. “Yes Eddie, I would really love that.” You pulled a small notepad from your purse, jotted your number down, and tore the scrap of paper out before handing it over. “Don’t lose this.”

Eddie had the fleeting thought that he would have your digits tattooed on his flesh to ensure their permanence. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”

Ted honked the horn, even though you were all standing right there.

“Okay, well I have to go. Call me tomorrow?”

Eddie nodded, his throat suddenly gone dry. “I will.”

As you sat down and closed the car door behind you, Ted wasted no time pulling away.  You twisted around in the seat to watch Eddie grow smaller as the distance increased. He raised a hand and waved shortly before you went around a bend, causing you to lose sight of him.

The temporary high of seeing Eddie was quickly supplanted by sadness. It was going to be a very long wait for next summer.

June 1991

Once you were clear of the train platform, your rolling suitcase and duffle bag appropriately situated, you bolted through the crowd as quickly as possible.

Nine long months you waited. Nine months of speaking on the phone for hours nearly every night, talking about everything, watching movies together, helping Eddie write his next D&D campaign, discussing books. You shared hopes, dreams, wishes, and desires. Nine months of longing. Nine months of imagining his lips on yours, his fingers gripping the meat of your thighs, picturing him doing things to you that you’d never done with anyone before. You were tired of waiting.

You never officially declared yourselves to each other, still hadn’t even kissed, so you couldn’t be completely sure that he felt the same way. But you had a pretty good idea; after all, would a guy spend that much time on the phone with you if he didn’t feel some kind of way? He said he was going to pick you up at the train station after all, so that had to count for something.

You were determined. Eddie would not slip through your fingers; this summer was going to change everything.

And there he was. As you entered the terminal with the other passengers, you spotted him immediately.  He was leaning up against the wall, torn tight jeans and black band tee, long chestnut curls cascading around his shoulders. He was beautiful. 

The way his face lit up when he spotted you could probably heal the world, if you could find a way to harness it. 

You let your bags drop to the ground as you ran to him, and he opened his arms to you as you collided with him, slamming him back against the wall. His arms slid up around your back and gripped you tightly, his breath fanned across one ear, setting all your senses alight, and you simply resided in his embrace and felt the object of your affection absolutely envelop you. Oh how you had waited for this.

You pulled away just enough to look at his face. He was undeniably very happy, eyes bright, smiling broadly, his dimple making itself known.

“Hey you,” he said.

“Hi you,” you replied.

“I’ve missed you,” he said softly.

“I've been counting the minutes,” you said. You thought maybe you were going to cry.

“Try seconds,” he whispered, opening his eyes wide as if he was revealing a scandalous secret. 

The rest of the bustling train station faded away. The voices and echoes were reduced to a muffled din, and all the people who hastened past you became less corporeal. As your eyes roamed his face, it felt like you were the only two people in the world.

He blinked and pulled away, and as soon as it started, the spell was broken.

He hastened over to your bags and grabbed hold of them, slinging your duffel over his shoulder and taking your rollbag in one hand. “Let’s go,” he said with a look over his shoulder, his hair bouncing as he hurried through the terminal with you in tow.  He slowed as he approached the doors to outside. “Uh, I’ll take you to the Wheeler’s to settle in, but I wondered…” He paused, his expression belying his own lack of confidence. He looked almost shy.  “I got an apartment about a month back, finally…a space of my own,” he continued. “I wondered if maybe you wanted to watch a movie later?”

“Eddie!” you breathed, excited. “That’s so great! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he said with a small shrug. “No pressure, if you don’t want to. I just wanted to put it out there, no strings attached.”

“I would love to,” you beamed. 

“Do you want to know what movie I picked out?” Eddie asked.

“I really don’t care,” you replied, and you laughed together as you walked to the parking lot.

You waited anxiously for Eddie’s arrival later that evening.

“It’s a daaaate!” Mike sang as if he was still fourteen and not a freshman in college. Nancy slapped him on the arm.

“Don’t tease,” she admonished, but there was a twinkle in her eye.

“It is not a date!” you countered as you checked your reflection for the thousandth time. “Doesn’t someone have to say it’s a date for it to actually be a date?”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Some things are just sort of….assumed.”

You and Nancy glared at him in tandem. “Uh, no thank you. Nobody should make assumptions about anything like that,” Nancy scolded.

You nodded in agreement. “Yeah I mean, what if he just thinks I’m a great friend, and I go and spoil everything going in there thinking this is a date?”

Mike gestured toward you as you touched up your lip gloss. “Says the chick who has been fussing over her appearance obsessively for the last 45 minutes.”

“I’m just being prepared,” you said.

“For what?” Nancy said with a chuckle.

“Just in case it is a date. I never said I didn’t want it to be.”

Nancy laughed as Mike groaned in exasperation. Fortunately, you were saved from further discussion by the doorbell. You ran from the room before anyone could stop you, grabbing your shoulder bag on the way. 

You opened the door and revealed a slightly nervous looking Eddie, and he nearly stole your breath away.

Eddie was resplendent in a blue and black plaid button-up shirt with his black jeans and black converse sneakers. He had clearly made an effort to tame his hair, and his waves were soft and tidy. His breath caught when he saw you.

“H– hi,” he said with a grin.

“Hi yourself,” you said. You chanced a look over your shoulder, fearful of an audience. “Okay let’s go before Mike and Nancy get weird and interrogate us,” you said, grabbing Eddie by the hand and making him laugh while shutting the door behind you.  Eddie held his van door open for you before walking around the other side and starting up the engine. Was that aftershave he was wearing?

Butterflies exploded in your chest. Oh my god, this is a date, you thought to yourself elatedly.

Eddie’s place was nice, simple, and clean. He didn’t have much in the way of furniture or decor yet, but he had the basics, and it was all his.

You were halfway through Goodfellas– which was really good– and sipping on bud light bottles on opposite ends of the couch.  You were sitting with your legs curled underneath you, your left foot sticking out along the couch cushion.  Eddie reached over and gently laid a hand on your ankle, pulling your attention away from the film.

“I’m gonna grab another beer. You want anything?”

“Sure, you want me to pause it?”

“Nah, I’ve seen this twice already,” he said as he headed to the kitchen.

“Eddie!” you said, smiling. “Why didn’t you rent something you’ve never seen?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he called. “I love this movie.”

You picked up the remote and paused the film anyway.

“But it just came out on VHS!” you said, laughing. "How have you seen it multiple times already?"

He returned with two freshly opened beers and handed one to you. He sat down again, a little closer this time.

“What– you don’t watch movies over and over again every chance you get? Is that…like….not normal or something?” He smirked at his own sarcasm.

“Not that quickly I’m afraid,” you said, and he laughed out loud. 

“I guess I’m a bit of a fixator,” he said. “I fixate on things.”

“I suppose we all have things we fixate on,” you said.

“What do you fixate on?” He asked. He was leaning slightly in your direction. It made your heart speed up a little bit.

“Well lately,” you said, drawing out your syllables and pretending to think really hard about it. “Lately it’s been this guy.”

“Oooh,” Eddie said. “Tell me more.”

“Well, he looks a little rough around the edges, but it turns out that he’s the sweetest.”

“He is?” Eddie played along.

“Oh yes. And he has the biggest, most soulful brown eyes I’ve ever seen. It’s like he’s always seeing the world in new and interesting ways. And don’t get me started on his lips…”

“What about his lips?” Eddie asked.

“They’re so full and plump, like fruit, and I want to nibble on them.”

Eddie huffed a small laugh. “You want to nibble on his lips?”

“Among other things,” you said, a little breathily.

As your eyes flicked down to his lips, he licked them unconsciously, and you knew everything was about to change.

Eddie leaned forward, closing the distance between you, and he raised his right hand to cup the back of your head, pulling you forward. You felt his breath fan across your cheek as he rubbed his nose against yours.

“What other things did you have in mind?” he murmured.

“I want him,” you said simply. “But I don’t know how he feels.”

“Hmm,” Eddie cooed. “I think it’s safe to say he wants you too.”

“He does?”

“Oh yes,” he breathed, and then he kissed you.

Your breathing hitched– it was finally happening.

You enjoyed the simple feeling of his beautiful lips against yours for a moment before you parted your lips to deepen the kiss. You slotted his bottom lip between your teeth and applied gentle pressure. Eddie’s quiet gasp did things to you.

You chuckled, and rose up on your knees before pressing your body firmly against his, the movie now forgotten.

Eddie broke away, beaming. “I thought you probably felt the same way, but I wasn’t sure, and I was afraid to make a move and fuck it all up–”

“Shut up and keep kissing me,” you said.

He did as he was told. He also dialed up the passion, and you kissed each other hungrily, pouring nine months of longing into your efforts. Your tongues danced together, your hands roamed the expanse of his back, and you slid one hand up and under his shirt to feel his flesh.

Eddie gasped at your touch, and pulled away. His pupils were blown wide from the excitement, and you imagined that yours might look the same. He cupped the side of your face in his hands, boring his eyes into yours.

“Are we together? Are you mine?” he asked, and your heart broke and soared with equal measure at the sheer sweet earnestness of him.

“Yes, Eddie,” was all you could muster before he was kissing you again. He tipped you back and gently laid you down across the sofa, allowing his hand to travel up the length of your torso, keeping things chaste, but only barely.

You laid together and kissed deeply for a time, until you decided you’d had enough.

“Eddie,” you said.  “T– take me to bed.” 

“Are you sure? That’s really what you want?”

You nodded, but you couldn’t hide your nerves, and he gently pinched your chin to tilt your head up. “You seem anxious,” he said softly.

“Well, I – I haven’t actually done it before.” 

Eddie’s eyes widened slightly.

“I’ve done some stuff, a little hand stuff mostly, but never, uh– it. Sex. I’ve never had sex.”

Eddie smiled affectionately at your display of nerves. “Relax, babe. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do.”

“But I am ready,” you said, more assuredly.  “I really want to do this with you. I want you to be my first.”

Eddie searched your face for any further signs of nervousness or unease, but all he saw in your eyes now was conviction and honestly. You reached up a hand and laid it on his cheek.

“Nine months I’ve waited for this. I knew a long time ago that you were the one, Eddie. I’ve waited long enough.’

Eddie nodded. “Okay,” he said softly.

He moved to stand and gently scooped you up in his arms, making you giggle, and he carried you over to the bedroom. He kicked the door open with his foot, making you laugh some more, and laid you on his bed, which was clean if unmade. He leaned down and braced himself on either side of your body to kiss you.

“If you want me to stop, just tell me,” he said between kisses, and then stood back up to pull his shirt over his head. He did it in one fluid motion, letting his soft curls dance across his shoulders and back, and he was a sight to behold. You’d seen him with no shirt on last summer when he took you swimming, but somehow this was different.

“May I?” he asked, and paused with his fingers above the fly of your denim shorts. You nodded, and let Eddie loosen the buttons before pulling your shorts down along your legs and tossing them aside.

You smiled up at him as he loosened his own jeans and pushed them down before stepping out of them, leaving him clad in nothing but his boxers. He returned to the bed and laid next to you, gently trailing one palm up your body and pushing up your shirt, resting it at the bottom of your ribcage just below the underwire of your bra. Eddie resumed kissing you; it was something you were quite sure you would never tire of. He was amazing.

After a beat he pulled away to look down at you. “I need to get you ready,” he said softly. “I don’t want it to hurt.”

“Okay Eddie,” you replied.  He pulled your shirt over your head gently, and then moved one hand to your back to unclasp your bra. 

“You seem to have some experience with this,” you said, feeling a stab of self-consciousness.

Eddie paused. “A little. I’m not a virgin, but I’m hardly a Casanova or anything…”

“It’s okay, I don’t need to know.” you looked away. 

Eddie was not pleased with the loss of eye-contact, and he could sense your discomfort. 

“Hey,” he said softly, turning your face to his. “It’s only been a couple different girls. I really haven’t had much action for a guy my age, trust me. And nothing serious, ever.” He kissed your forehead. “You’re special. I want this– I want it to be special.”

You relaxed and smiled. “Honestly, I’m fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Completely.”

“Okay then.”

He pulled your loosened bra off, leaving you in only your knickers. “If you want me to stop, just tell me.”

Your answering smile was cut short as he bent and placed a kiss on your nipple. “You’re beautiful,” he murmured, before he sucked the little bud between his lips, setting all your senses alight. 

“Oh–that feels nice.” you sighed.

As Eddie suckled you, he slowly trailed his hand down the length of your torso, leaving goosebumps in its wake. He paused at the elastic of your underwear, slipping one finger just under the thin white band, but continued no further. 

“You can– ah– you can touch me Eddie,” you managed between gasps.

With no further preamble, he slowly slid his hand into the delicate cotton, and his fingers found your heat. He removed his mouth from your nipple, leaving it feeling cool and bereft, before kissing you lasciviously as he slowly pushed a finger inside of you. You gasped, but as quickly as he had entered, he was gone again. He dipped in smoothly a second time, but then turned his attention to your clit, applying gentle pressure and circling it with his moistened finger.

You arched your back and moaned at the sensation. Your senses were heightened, your heart was racing, and you couldn’t believe that you were here, with Eddie, after all this time. You were delighted; you’d waited so long for this, and you were going to enjoy it.

Eddie slowly picked up the pace and pressure of his ministrations. You felt as if all the blood in your body was rushing to the space between your legs, and your body began to tremble. It felt good– damn good. You could hear the wet sounds of your arousal as his fingers picked up speed, and then, without warning, he slid one back inside of you. You moaned as he pumped you with one finger, sliding out, stroking the sensitive button of nerves, pushing back in. You were teetering on the edge of climax when, suddenly, he stopped. 

“Wha–” you said blearily, as Eddie padded over to his nightstand. 

“I’m just grabbing a rubber babe,” Eddie smiled, as he pulled open the drawer and held up a foil square.

“Ah, right.”

“Just want to be careful, ya know?” 

“Of course.”

Eddie paused to look at you, his face painted with adoration and concern. “You sure you’re still okay with this?”

You nodded emphatically. “Yeah, yes.”

Eddie looked angelic. Flushed with desire, his hair slightly mussed, lips reddened from kissing, his boxers tented by his arousal. He walked around the bed to stand at the end, and he gently pulled your underwear off, leaving you fully exposed for the first time. You had to fight to resist the urge to curl into yourself protectively. You weren’t the only naked one for long, however, as Eddie pushed his boxers down, and you were able to see all of him for the first time.

He was beautiful. He was perfect.

He deftly rolled the rubber along his length before he laid down next to you, and let his fingers return to your heat. He leaned down and kissed your neck while he worked you open, this time with two fingers. He slid them inside as he kissed your lips and licked into your mouth, and then he gently climbed on top, allowing you to rest your calves around his hips.

You felt his tip prod your entrance.

“Are you ready?” he breathed into your ear.

“Yes,” you said, and he captured your earlobe with his teeth as he slowly started to push in.

“Ah– fuck,” you cried softly. It felt like white fire had ignited where you were joined and traveled up your body, settling behind your eyes, and a kaleidoscope of sparks clouded your vision. You squeezed your eyes shut and ground your teeth together as you moaned through the sensation. It hurt, but it was a sort of pain you’d never felt before.

“God, babe,” Eddie gasped as another shallow, gentle thrust pulled him deeper. “This okay?”

It wasn’t okay exactly, it stung like hell, but it was okay because this was Eddie, and there was nobody else on the planet you were willing to experience this with.

“Uhhuh, yeah,” you panted. “I’m okay.”

Eddie sat back on his heels and grasped your thighs with his hands, pulling you flush against him and seating himself fully inside of you. His eyes met yours and he smiled at you adoringly as he began to move.

You moaned in sweet agony as each thrust ignited new fires within you, but before you realized what was happening, the pain began to give way to intense pleasure. Your gasps of pain grew to cries of ecstasy, and Eddie could feel you yield to him, could feel the resistance temper, and he delighted in watching the change come over you. White fire was replaced by pure bliss.

He lifted your legs to rest your ankles on his shoulders, and picked up his pace. 

Eddie hugged your legs to his chest as he pumped, every thrust hitting deep, the mingled gasps and cries of your lovemaking growing in volume and timbre. You reached out a hand to touch his chest, but he was too far away. Eddie noticed this, and he released your legs to lean forward, bracing himself with his hands on either side of your shoulders, and he kissed you. It was damn hot, the passion of it all, making out so intensely that your teeth clattered together as he fucked you, all of your senses heightened and electrified.

You scratched at his back as your felt your climax building, causing his own pace to falter. Your cries of delight as you came caused his own orgasm to crash into him suddenly, and you both moaned as you rode it out together.

And then all was still.

You breathed together as you came down from the intense sensations you had just experienced, and you could feel Eddie’s heart beating in its cage, his chest pressed against yours. He could feel yours too.

After a moment, he got up, discarded the used condom, and slipped on his boxers, smiling down at your prone, naked body as he did so. “Was that okay? It didn’t hurt too much?”

You thought for a second. “It did hurt at first, that probably can’t be helped. But after a little while, it felt really good. Was I– was I any good?”

Eddie beamed. “Oh babe. You don’t have to ever worry about that. It was incredible.”  He headed to the bathroom, and returned shortly with a damp washcloth. He sat beside you and gently tended to your sore, sensitive area. The cool terrycloth was soothing, and he peppered your face with kisses, making you giggle. He tossed the washcloth aside and laid down with you, wrapping his arms around you to hold you close.

“Do you want to stay here with me? You can, if you want,” Eddie murmured into your hair. He sounded sleepy.

“Eddie, I want to be wherever you are,” you replied. You were feeling quite drowsy yourself.

“I don’t want the Wheelers to think I kidnapped you,” he said with a small chuckle.

“They know where I am, and we’re all adults, so I’m staying put.”

Eddie grinned. You had no way of knowing what was happening in his heart, but he wished he could transfer part of his joy to you, so you could feel even a fraction of his elation.

Eddie had no way of knowing that you were feeling exactly the same way. He also had no way of knowing that you were planning to transfer to Indiana State in the fall. In time, you would share your hearts fully with each other, but for the moment, you enjoyed just laying in his arms, and drifting off into blissful slumber.

Together. ♥

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[officialaemondtargaryen]

Age Of Consent [part six]

Summary: Dustin’s older sister thinks Eddie Munson could be a bad influence on her younger brother due to their history. Can he change her mind?

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Fem!Henderson!Reader

Word Count: 2,500

What you’ll find in this series: big angst, wholesome fluff, sexual content, drug use, tobacco use, alcohol use, and a lot of profanity. This is a slow burn- buckle up, buttercup.

A/N: *The Reason by Hoobastank plays on repeat* I'm laughing. Anyways, have another flashback to the day of graduation. I feel like this is the one we've all been waiting for. There's a reference in here to the reader's Halloween costume- keep in mind that she is a theater nerd who spent four years designing sets and costumes. The reference is linked if you want a visual.

Read Part Five || Read Part Seven

Eddie didn't sleep that night.

It wasn't for lack of trying. But with only a few hours until he had to be in Mrs. O'Donell's class and you heavy on his mind, it just wasn't happening. He felt like he was so close tonight; so, so close to finally getting what he wanted- but that was just it, wasn't it? It was what he wanted, not what you wanted.

Maybe there was still something there, he certainly felt like there was; it was all in the way that you looked at him, the way you could not stop smiling, asking him to come back to your place. He couldn't just be imagining that, right? He truly didn't know anymore, you were quite literally driving him insane.

"That day at graduation, I just couldn't do it anymore."

Those ten words repeated over and over through Eddie's mind. He remembered your graduation, he knew he had fucked up the moment that he saw you charging towards him in your cap and gown; diploma in your hand, heels getting stuck in the wet, dewy grass underneath the bleachers. Actually, thinking back, he knew he had fucked up well before that.

He had tried his hardest to pull himself together, he got all dressed up; white button-down shirt, his best pair of black slacks- he even washed his hair. Sure, he was trying in all of the ways that didn't matter, but he was still trying. Of course, he'd rather be wearing a cap and gown. He'd rather be walking across that stage, getting his diploma, and starting his life with you in whatever city you decided on. He wanted that more than anything, but clearly not enough to do the work.

Eddie knew what was coming. He could see it in the way you had been looking at him the last few weeks. He heard it in the tone of your voice. He felt it when you didn't spend the night with him on the weekends and stopped asking him to come over. He had been bracing for the impact for about a month now.

Defensively, he began to act out; pushing you away to make it easier for himself. If he could come out of this having been able to convince himself that it wasn't actually his fault, he would be okay. It would be better to put the blame on you. You didn't want him because he wasn't good enough and he didn't fit into your agenda. It definitely wasn't because of anything he did.

"Seriously?" You asked as you approached him. He was standing there, leaning up against one of the metal beams with red, hazy eyes and a joint in his hand. "Get yourself expelled, why don't you?"

You had grabbed the joint out of his hand and tossed it to the ground, stomping it out. He frowned and reached for you, but you stepped back out of his reach.

"Baby," he whined making grabby hands at you. "Look at you, you look so cute."

"Eddie, stop." He could tell you were annoyed, you had every right to be. "Did you even watch the ceremony?"

"Wh- of course I did!"

"Really?" You were seething, knowing that he was lying. "Then tell me why I looked everywhere for you when I crossed that stage and you weren't there."

Eddie sighed and looked up away from you, his head hitting against the metal beam. This was it. This was the drop of the metaphorical shoe. He had finally done it. Somehow, he had not only nailed himself shut in that coffin, but he had buried himself alive, as well. The look on your face broke him; the tears welling up in your eyes, threatening to ruin the little bit of makeup that you had on.

"Look at me, Eddie." He wouldn't, he refused. "This is over. Please don't call, don't show up at my house- I never want to see you again, I mean it."

He turned his face out of view from you, not wanting you to see the tears in the corners of his eyes. In his peripheral, he could see you still standing there, but he couldn't face you. Without another word, you turned around and left. He wanted to run after you, make a thousand promises that he wasn't ready to keep, but he couldn't. Deep down inside he knew, though it would take him two years to admit it, you were right.

Dustin slammed his tray down on the lunch table, causing Eddie to jump from his thoughts. He slammed the little, plastic straw through his juice box with more force than needed and Eddie could tell the kid knew something.

"So, my sister was crying in her room at 4:00 AM." The younger kid began. "Would you care to explain to the class how you let that happen after I set up the perfect night for you?"

"It's over, man." Eddie sighed.

The table was shocked.

"Over!?" One of the kids at the table yelled.

"What do you mean it's over!?" Mike asked.

"It's done," Eddie shrugged. "This was fucking stupid."

Dustin huffed, shaking his head, refusing to believe that this would be the end. Dustin had only seen you cry three times- when your dad died, about two years ago, and last night. You were his sister, and he wasn't blind, he knew you loved Eddie. He was so goddamn optimistic and sure about it that it made Eddie sick.

"It's not over," your brother said firmly looking his older friend in the eye. "It's not. I was there for most of last night, I have eyes. She was totally, madly, in love!"

Eddie shook his head. "It's different now, man. You wouldn't understand."

Not wanting to discuss it further, Eddie grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder before stomping off towards the parking lot. He muttered to himself the whole way, mocking your brother and scolding himself, prompting a couple of strange looks from the other students. He could hear Dustin calling out from behind him, but Eddie just kept going, making a beeline for his van.

"Eddie!" Dustin called, having followed him out into the parking lot. "Will you please stop for a damn second!?"

"What do you want, Henderson?" He ferociously unlocked the van and threw his backpack across the driver's seat into the passenger side floorboard. "Look, what part of 'I'm done' don't you understand?"

"I get it, I get it!" Dustin held his hands up in defense. "I just- I think that you're making a mistake." He admitted. "So, in the case that you come to agree with me, she's going to Jackie's Haskell's Halloween party next Saturday."

Eddie hated parties. He was only ever invited, not because people wanted to spend time with him or actually be his friend, but because of what he could provide to them given the right price. Jackie Haskell's Halloween party was no exception. He had a little over a week to figure out what he was going to say to you but actually saying it was a different story.

He sat in his van for almost 45 minutes, hands clammy, knee nervously bouncing as he watched the yard become more and more crowded with kids and red plastic cups. Turning around and going home was still an option, he didn't even care about losing out on a couple of sales. After the last time that he saw you, Eddie wasn't sure what to do. What would he even say? An apology wouldn't be good enough, he already knew that. This was definitely a mistake on his part.

He could feel the bass of the stereo system reverberating through him as he made his way closer to the front door. If he was going to turn around and leave, this was his chance.

"Come on, Steve," It was your voice. "It's ABBA, you can't not dance to ABBA!"

There you were, walking right past him, drink in one hand and Steve Harrington's hand in the other. Yeah, this was definitely a mistake. Still, Eddie stayed where he was, watching you from the kitchen with a beer in his hand. You were so stunningly beautiful and stood out from every other person at that party. He couldn't help but smile as you danced, mouthing the words to what he knew was one of your favorite songs.

You threw an arm over Steve's shoulder as the next song came on, taking another long sip of your drink. His chest tightened at the sight of the physical contact, and suddenly his mind was filled with the thought that you had moved on. Suddenly, he wasn't having a good time. Thankfully, one of the kids from the party approached him to make a sale and he had a chance to excuse himself.

Eddie lingered outside once he was finished with his sale, hoping a cigarette, the cool air, and another beer would calm his nerves. Meanwhile, inside, you were beginning to feel dizzy. The room was spinning and it felt like you could feel the alcohol in your stomach sloshing around. It wasn't a particularly good feeling, plus you were burning up.

"I need some air, it's so hot in here," you mentioned to Steve who nodded in response.

The party had been exactly what you needed to forget about Eddie. Despite the fact that you were thinking about him now. The music and alcohol drowned most of it out, though. And it was nice to see Steve, you didn't get to hang out with him as much after you both graduated. He was constantly working, as were you, and with classes as Hawkins Community College, it was just hard to make the time.

There wasn't a line of guys waiting to dance with you, but Steve- who was somehow strangely close to your brother- was an exception. Maybe in another life you'd have dated him, but the truth was that the two of you just had absolutely nothing in common. Still, it was nice to dance with someone and just let go.

You stumbled out the front door and clunked yourself down on the concrete with a heavy sigh and pulled off your heels. They definitely weren't your favorite type of footwear, but a pair of Chuck's would have ruined your costume. Your feet arched upon being freed from their uncomfortable prisons and you sighed with relief.

"Ziegfeld Girl," you looked to your right to see none other than Eddie Munson leaning up against the side of the house. Your eyes subconsciously rolled and you cursed under your breath. Here you were, having consumed way too much alcohol, alone in someone's front yard with your ex-boyfriend. Perfect. "You make that yourself?"

"You should know me well enough to know that I did." Your voice was monotonous. "What are you supposed to be, the neighborhood creep?"

"Look's like you've had quite the night," he added sarcastically with a smirk, moving to stand in front of you. He was looking down on you, something that you found incredibly ironic. "Having fun with ah- what's that douchebag's name?"

You rolled your eyes even harder this time. "Eddie, you know who that is, don't even pretend like you don't. Jealousy is not very becoming on you."

"Steve, right?" He asked, "Steve Harrington, that's it."

"Not that I have to explain myself to you," you held your hands out, beckoning for him to help you stand up to which he obliged. "But Steve is just a friend."

The two of you were now face-to-face, mere inches between your noses. You were still standing on the bottom step which brought you up to his height with your heels on. His wide, brown eyes reflected the orange lights that hung over Jackie's front door. Once again, you found yourself lost in those fucking eyes.

"You look beautiful, you know that?" He whispered.

"Yeah, well, you look fucking stupid." You turned around and made your way back through the front door, leaving Eddie to follow you. "You didn't even dress up."

"Hate to break it to you, doll, but I'm not going to sell weed in a clown outfit," He argued over the music, keeping up with your pace through the sea of drunk kids. You laughed as you made your way into the kitchen to pour yourself another drink. It took you all about ten seconds to down it. "How much of that have you had?"

"You're still here, so not enough." You stumbled and poured yourself another one. "You should have one, might help you loosen up, Dad."

"You have most certainly had enough, sweetheart." He sounded judgemental and you hated it. "Nope," he took the cup from you before you could take another sip. "You're done. You haven't even given the last one time to hit you, yet. And this-" Eddie stuck his nose into the cup. "That smells like fruit punch gasoline."

You whined at him.

"Alright, come on." Eddie sat the cup down on the counter and bent at the knees before hoisting you over his shoulder.

"Edward Munson!" You screamed, trying desperately to pull down your dress in the back where it had risen up. "Put me down right now!"

"Go back to what you were doing kids," he yelled out at all of the other party-goers who were staring. "Nothing to see here!"

"Eddie!" You hollered once more. Your legs were kicking but to no avail, he had a pretty good grip around them. "Eddie put me down! You have no right!"

He dropped you down to your feet next to his van, his hands running up the sides of your dress before settling on your hips. You wanted him so desperately, your lips aching to kiss him- it'd been the only thing that you could think about since that night in the treehouse.

He slid his tongue over his bottom lip in anticipation and your eyes dropped down to that perfect, pink rosebud mouth of his. You might have been hallucinating that he was inching closer and closer, or maybe it was the fact that you felt as if the world was spinning backward. You stumbled back a step and his fingers gripped deeper into your waist.

"I am so drunk," you muttered and he chuckled. "But, goddamn it, I want to kiss you so bad."

"That's probably the alcohol talking, sweet thing." Eddie opened up the door to his van and held his hand out for you to help you up into the passenger side. "Let's get you sobered up and then we'll see how you feel."

You nodded your head in reply, thankful that he wasn't about to take advantage of you while you were absolutely plastered. He really was a gentleman in that aspect, always had been.

"Just don't take me home," you muttered and leaned your head on the cool glass of the window. "My mom would kill me if she saw me like this."

"Alright," he agreed and threw the van into gear. "My place it is then."

Tags (closed):

@fangirling-4-ever, @nojamsonmytoast, @munson-burner, @slvdsjjk, @kiszkawagnerwhore, @bitterplacebrokendreamsmaegan, @katxn15, @itswormtrain, @itsallnonsens3, @aashy723, @buginktsworld, @in-this-minute, @peachyxholic, @colbychu, @bilbobag9ins, @cat-mak20, @bumpbeaded, @liv4193, @thisisntmyrightera, @chloepart03, @creativedogs, @simp4fictional, @serrendiipty, @equuleus86, @morganasimp26, @evewithluv, @1980shorrorfillm, @you-makeme-crazier, @icareabouteverythxng, @cyberneticfallout, @eddiemattress, @bethii1, @immybx, @sortafictional, @bbyharlow, @persona-lreference, @michaelfuckinglangdon, @cvmtitss, @1800-fight-me, @brain-of-nekoma, @eddiesgoodgirl, @eddie-swhore, @16bruises

[sparkedblaze]

modern au - the weeks before father’s day consist of oscar getting steadily more and more pissed off at the world as he keeps having to shield morris from father’s day displays in shop windows and questions about their dad and morris constantly getting triggered <3 (oscar refuses to acknowledge that he’s getting triggered too)

Crying and screaming and sobbing and wailing and hitting the wall over this

T/w: cursing, violence, yk

I realized a little ways into this that you had specified modern au 😬

Maybe I’ll just write two

•

Oscar had just about had it. He was tired of turning Morris away from shop windows. He was tired of having to lead him to the nearest secluded area if he wasn’t fast enough. He was tired of the odd looks from people-especially those damn newsies-whenever Morris would hiccup out a sob or slam his fists against his thigh.

It came to a head when Morris had nearly hit Sling. Oscar couldn’t remember the name of every newsie he saw, and it was far easier to call them what Morris called them. It helped both of them remember.

The curly haired boy turned, glaring and raring for a fight, but Red ducked past him, trying to get to Morris first.

Oscar stepped between them, knocking Red to the ground as Mo grabbed the back of his suspenders. He could hear his little brother whimpering behind him, the anxious clack of his teeth echoing in his ears.

“Beat it.” He growled out at the newsies, teeth grinding painfully as he fought to control himself. He couldn’t scare Morris any more than he already was.

He started backing away, glare trained on the smaller boys, shielding Morris from their view.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that they had as much luck with parents as the Delanceys and they didn’t go through half the shit the brothers did. It wasn’t fair.

Oscar brought Morris to the theater. He knew being in with the Bowery Beauties, while they rehearsed, calmed Morris down. The younger of the brothers ended up falling asleep curled up in one of the chairs.

The elder brother sat there for a moment, but could feel the hatred rising in him once more. How come they had to hide away? How come he had to watch his little brother make himself sick every year?

It just made him so angry. He could hardly breathe through it. It was burning him from the inside out.

He stood, being careful not to wake Morris, and made his way back outside. He was going to find Red and Sling. And he was gonna teach them not to mess with his little brother.

•

How could Oscar be so stupid?

He and Mo had been wandering the Mall of America, just looking and admiring.

Oscar hadn’t even noticed the Father’s Day advertisements. Mo didn’t need perfect reading skills to recognize the father and son duo in the picture of the sports store they’d just passed.

He can hear the clacking teeth and popping knuckles, and moves before he even registers what’s happening. He wraps his jacket around Morris’s shoulders, and leads him to the back corner of a department store far away from Father’s Day signs.

He digs in his backpack, frantically searching for the sour skittles he’d stuffed in that morning.

“Mo, hey…” Oscar knelt in front of him, holding his arms out for Morris, skittles in one hand, blanket in the other.

Morris slowly crawled into his arms, craving the comforting touch as Oscar wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and just held him a moment, fingers passing through Morris’s curls, nails scraping against his scalp every few moments.

“You’re okay, Momo,” he whispered, rocking them as they sat together. “He isn’t here.

“It’s just us.”

[gracesshelves]

The Hunger Games (2012)

            The Hunger Games (2012), based on the series by Suzanne Collins, is one of my top ten favorite book-to-film adaptations. I actually saw this movie opening weekend with my mom, who got me into the books earlier that year. I give this movie a five out of five. Although certain moments were removed for the run time, the most important story beats were present and held the emotional weight well. Watching this movie as an adult, I got a lot more out of it than I did when I first watched it. Another thing that shifted my perspective during this viewing was the fact that I just watched the prequel, A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (2023), a few weeks ago. While that is not the topic of our discussion, it had a significant effect on what aspects of the film stood out to me the most. With everything going on in the world today, and how the internet changed post-COVID-19, The Hunger Games (2012) is more relevant than ever. Particularly with its commentary on the illusion of intimacy with strangers.

            The story follows Katniss Everdeen, a sixteen-year-old girl from District 12, who volunteers to take her sister’s place in the 75th annual Hunger Games. The games were created by the Capitol 75 years ago as a way to keep the twelve districts in check after the rebellion. Katniss is forced to perform for the crowds to get sponsors and kill her fellow tributes in the arena. With the aid of the male tribute from her district, Peeta, Katniss wins the games. However, her life can never return to what it once was. To win, she and Peeta acted as if they were in love and could not survive without each other. Now, they must keep up the act to keep themselves and their families alive.

            The movie succeeds in many categories, however, the acting stood out the most. Jennifer Lawrence understood the role of Katniss. She is able to convey how uncomfortable Katniss feels performing in front of a crowd. The raw pain in her voice when Prim’s name is chosen for the games is heartbreaking. Lawrence nailed how Katniss switches from young and vulnerable to responsible and aloof as a result of living in a world that forces children to grow up too fast. Besides acting, one of the other parts of this movie that stood out to me was the set and costume design. The creators established the dichotomy between the Capitol and the districts immediately through the scene with Effie in District 12. Surrounded by grey buildings and people in muted, worn clothes, Effie’s bright pink attire looks ridiculous. Without even seeing the Capitol, the audience already has an idea of what it’s like. And then once we are finally brought there, we see that Effie almost looks normal in comparison to the other Capitol citizens.

            My biggest issue with this movie is the cinematography. It’s been over 12 years, and I can still remember how dizzy I was watching this movie in theaters. I think they used a shaky, handheld camera to give the movie the same raw feeling that Lawrence created with her acting. I’ve seen hand-held cameras work so well to create meaning, but I do not think this is one of those instances. Those moments still make my head hurt when I watch them.

            When I was younger, I knew that it was messed up that they treated the games like a TV show, but watching the prequel made me focus on how the tributes were treated before, during, and after the games. (Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen the prequel!) In the early days of the games, the tributes were placed in an outdoor enclosure – a literal human zoo – before they were taken to the arena. In The Hunger Games, which takes place 65 years after the prequel, the tributes live in luxury before the games, and after if they are a Victor. Yet, the Capitol still finds ways to dehumanize them. The tributes live under constant surveillance, even in their last moments. During the interviews, they are encouraged to share parts of themselves with the audience to gain sympathy so people will sponsor them, and the Capitol audience is desperate to learn more about these children. They crave intimacy and ask to see and know very private things. It reminds me a lot of how people feel the need to post very private moments on social media now. People are pressured to let people see into their lives to be more relatable. So many people reach for the camera when they cry. I think part of this is because we have become so lonely and separated that we will consume anything that helps us feel close to other human beings. However, this results in a culture where people feel entitled to personal information and violate boundaries to gain access to that illusion of intimacy. But that’s all it is, an illusion. Relating this to the people of the Capitol, I think it’s interesting how they dehumanize the tributes at every step of the process and want to connect to them on a human level. It makes me pity them.

This film is very special to me, and each time I rewatch it, I discover another layer I’d never seen before.  Thanks for reading!

[forgottenyear]

[tw: suicide attempt - a very long time ago, I am safe]

I experienced a familiar disorientation just now. Since I have never given it another thought, maybe I ought to think about it now.

I was looking up something about the town in which we grew up (for a reason I can no longer remember), and when (now I remember – it was because I was watching a documentary and realized that it was possible for a person who met and spoke with Galileo Galilei to have visited the first home of the first settler in the town, and I needed to verify this – it is true that both events happened within a reasonable lifespan of the time) – and when I closed the page to do something else, I found my environment confusing, other than the fading light of sunset.

The disorientation is familiar, and I think it is associated with sunsets. Sunsets figure prominently in my memories of the house in which we grew up. Possibly because we would be more likely to play in the front yard at sunset because it had better light. Also, because we would be eking out the last bit of outdoor time after school in autumns.

We worked at the theater in summer, so sunsets are prominent in those memories as well. At the beginning of the season, it would still be dusk when the plays would finish, but by the end of the season it would already be getting dark and chilly when the plays began.

Finishing at the theater for the season was difficult because it meant our world would be packed away for winter.

I also have a memory of cutting our wrists but only leaving scars that lasted several years. In frustration, we hopped on our bicycle and began riding. We saw some younger kids that we recognized from church, playing in their front yard, so we stopped and spent time with them. This was at sunset. The next day, someone from the school saw the cuts and reported us. We spent a few weeks in a therapy group at the school, but then we dropped out to work for a professional theater (our guidance counselor told the parents that we were the first and only student they felt was making the right choice, to drop out – with a GED).

I had forgotten about this suicide attempt. I knew it was there, and I reference it often, but I forgot the details. Sunset is a big part of that memory.

There it is again. I wish the sun would set already.

It is the kind of disorientation that happens when you get really involved with a movie. You know where you are and when you are, but it feels foreign to be there and then. Like you were suddenly transported into another time and another place, but it is where you were all along.

I could explain it away and forget it, as I always have done. It is not necessarily anything to do with DID, but I write about it because it probably is.

I understand so little about us and how we function that I will grasp at anything that could explain even the smallest bit of it.

My partner is waiting for us to watch shows together.

[lesbianlorna]

just got back home after seeing the barbie movie and need to dump my thoughts about somewhere so here we go.

(potential spoilers underneath the cut!)

i'll be upfront and say that i didn't think the movie was mind-blowing, but i wouldn't say it was terrible by any means either. it was a cheesy, fun movie with some touching moments that pull on the heartstrings. still, i did leave the theater wanting more from the film's story...

my biggest criticism of the movie is that i feel like the story itself was pretty weak and i really wish that it had focused on two elements more : the generational aspect of barbie and mother/daughter relationships. i went to see the movie with my mother, who was born a few years before barbie's first doll was released and passed on her love of her to me, so that definitely influenced the lense from which i was viewing the film. our relationship isn't exactly like sasha and gloria's, but i think a lot of afab people can relate to rejecting stereotypical girly things like barbie in our tween years, (either to distance ourselves from something that is often perceived as being childish so we come across as "more mature" or because things accociated with femininity have become uncomfortable to embrace.) the moments that resonated with me the most were when it touched on mother/daughter bonds and how barbie is often entwined with that. the scene with ruth and barbie near the end especially got to me, i just really wish that it was more of a major focal point in the story.

besides that, i did enjoy a lot of aspects of the film. the costume and set design were spectacular, the soundtrack was great, and i did laugh a lot. i know that the word "camp" has become kinda watered down over the past few years, but i feel like this movie could be described as that. if you don't mind a movie that has a stronger aesthetic rather than a super in-depth plot, then you'll have a good time. also, michael cera did an extremely good job as allen and now i desperately want them to make repros of his doll. please, mattel, i will be the first in line to get him. (ya'll still should've done more with midge here, she was done so dirty. rest in plastic, my girl. 😔)

another thing i enjoyed was the movie going experience. i don't go out to the movies often, (it's usually too overstimulating to be worth it for me,) but even i'd say that making a day/night out of going to see barbie is the way to see this film. there were so many people dressed up in pink at the showing i went to and i even saw some who brought dolls with them, which was a delight to see. the theater that i went to even had some photo op spots to take pictures, which was really cool! i also dressed up in an outfit inspired by barbie's initial 1959 look and brought my think pink barbie with me.

i will say that the movie might not be the most appropriate for younger kids so if they wanted to go, i'd suggest renting some of the classic 3d barbie movies and watching those instead.

tdlr ; the movie didn't blow my mind, but i had a fun time nonetheless. i wish they focused on the mother/daughter bond aspects of the story more. the costuming and set design was absolutely fantastic. oh, and stan allan.

[mermaidsirennikita]

What are your thoughts on Titanic? Especially as a romance? Do you think Rose and Jack would’ve had a HEA if he’d survived (I suppose romance convention dictates yes)?

I saw it again this weekend in the theater and was reminded how much I love it. It’s such an impressive spectacle and Leo and Kate really do have iconic chemistry and give great performances.

`

Oh, I adore Titanic. I think it's James Cameron's masterpiece (no I am not willing to hear arguments for anything. else.) and the type of movie I wish was made more these days. I've seen it in theaters during one of its previous re-releases. I somewhat purposefully indoctrinated my younger sibling into loving it by playing it all the time when I was watching them in their infancy (one of their first "sentences" was "I'm flying, Jack", a crowning achievement for 13 year old me). The special effects hold up; the script stands up pretty fucking well; the performances are great; it's the kind of un-self-conscious, wholehearted, bombastic movie that isn't made much today. I am, it must be said, a maximalist personality.

As a romance--Titanic, needles to say, isn't a genre romance due to the unhappy ending for Jack and Rose (sort of) but it is an excellent romantic drama. To me, it does an amazing job with getting you invested in a love story between two people who didn't know each other that long but just... clicked. Part of this is due to the script, but I think that basically any successful movie, but especially romantic movies, are successful because of a combination of a good script and good casting. With romance and erotic movies especially, I think that a movie can have a subpar script but make it work as a fun, enjoyable experience if the chemistry is there. Titanic has a good, if unabashedly sentimental script--it's taken over the top by very strong performances from Leo (who.... listen.... morally he is...... going off the deep end and that's all I'll say on that, but he remains one of the most talented actors of his generation) and Kate (who I also find morally kinda bankrupt, but obviously is a great actress--and this was pre "I will do anything for an Oscar" era Kate).

They also had... incredible chemistry. Do people even test for chemistry before casting leads today? Very few people today, I think, even understand what good chemistry is. I keep seeing those Set It Up people (who I like separately as actors, for the record) upheld as peak chemistry. Jesus. Even people who I would say have good chemistry today... often don't have the type of chemistry Leo and Kate have in Titanic and for that matter in Revolutionary Road. You feel the affection, you feel the fondness, you feel a carnality that nevertheless doesn't betray the innocence of the characters (I'm a "Jack was a virgin" truther, and Rose was not but I doubt she'd slept with more than one other person). I'm not ashamed to say that though I have seen this movie more times than I can count--put a few drinks in me and I'll cry at the end. Again. Because you just get so invested in the romance. And of course, also because the movie has like. Popsicle babies. I mean, Titanic was a true tragedy for all involved, and I actually think the movie portrays that pretty well.

But I mean... Yeah, I think those two would've had to get to know each other better, but they would've had an HEA had he lived. I think they clicked very well personalitywise. They loved each other. They had the determination to make it work. The trauma bond alone would've been intense, lol. I also am of the mind that she dies in the end and the final scene is the afterlife, and like.... I'm not saying she didn't love the father of her children... But did she love him AS MUCH? I don't know. Sorry to that man.

But yeah, I agree with you. Sometimes watching it makes me feel sad in a different way, because I feel like the time for movies like that... Truly epic movies where everything looks so tangible and there isn't a ridiculous IP attached and the story is intense and emotionally authentic and makes you feel bad (in a good way) sometimes... It's probably not over forever, but it definitely ain't happening at the moment and I don't see it coming back super soon.

Also, movies where the leads smashing faces actually sell me on their characters wanting to smash faces. Look at this deleted scene (which, yes it was deleted, but I firmly believe that was less because of the intensity and more because Jack was.... not supposed to be that good at kissing, hashtag Jack was a virgin, hashtag this is my door debate). Jesus. When was the last time we saw kissing like that in a movie that wasn't explicitly meant to be erotic~? People didn't give a shit about their teenagers watching Rose strip naked in the movie theater. (Fun fact: pretty sure Titanic is the first movie I saw with nudity? I was six, my parents were watching it at home, my dad was like "Maybe we shouldn't let her see this part" and my mom went "They're just breasts, she'll have the one day" and by God she was correct.)

[destinyc1020]

My Movie Review: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"

I'm FINALLY getting around to writing this movie review after all of the unfortunate craziness that's been going on in my life for the past two months.....🤪🤦🏾‍♀️

Anyway, I saw “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” at theaters over a month ago lol!  😅 I just wanted to share my own personal Movie Review, and see what you all maybe thought about the film as well.  

**NOTE:  I will first start off by giving a very general overview/review of the movie overall, and then further down below, I will discuss the pros and cons from the movie, and will go more in-depth and be more candid with how I felt about the movie. 😊

With that said….

OVERALL:

Overall, I felt like this movie was the type of film that someone who is a fan of Whitney's music might want to check out just for the sheer enjoyment of her music alone.

I had forgotten how many great hits Whitney had over the years, and how many of her songs have been iconic to me growing up. I've always been a huge fan, and so this movie was a nice tribute to her music. I got chills down my spine during some of her performance scenes. 😊 I was even singing and dancing along to most of her music lol. 😂 There were quite a few things that I didn't know about Whitney's personal life (especially her younger life) that this movie seemed to touch on a little bit, so that was interesting. Personally? I felt like the acting of Naomi, Ashton, Nafessa, and Tamara Tunie especially, really stood out in this film imo.

PROS:

The music was great!

The acting was decent

I liked the "back-in-time" 80s and 90s wardrobe/fashions lol

They tried their best to make the cast look like the real Whitney/Bobby/Clive/Cissy/Bobbi Christina, etc.

I feel like I learned a lot more about Whitney's younger life, and her relationship with Robyn than I knew about.

I actually felt like Nafessa kind of stole the show in her scenes with Naomi. 👀

CONS:

I hate to say it.... But the main thing that took me out of this movie each and every time was the fact that Naomi looked NOTHING AT ALL like Whitney HOUSTON!!!! 😤😡 Usually I'm not that picky and I don't really care as much and I can suspend my disbelief even if the actor doesn't look exactly like the real person in history because their acting is so good, but for some reason, with this movie, I just couldn't do it.....I'm sorry! I would hear Whitney's VOICE singing, but then when I would LOOK at the actress, it just took me out of the whole entire scene. :(

I almost felt like it was someone cosplaying as Whitney Houston. To her credit, Naomi is a great actress... But I just kept asking myself throughout the whole entire movie: "You mean to tell me there were NO African-American actresses who looked a LITTLE like Whitney that they could have chosen for this role??"

Whoever wrote this film certainly gave Bobby Brown the "Good Edit", cuz ummmm..... 👀 In this movie they almost made it seem like Bobby and Whitney just had regular normal spats like most couples, and we all know THAT is a lie. 😒🙄 I'm shocked they didn't show her with not one black eye in the film, nor did they even allude to him hitting her. But oh well....

My other gripe with this movie was the fact that I didn't feel like enough money was put into it. I feel like this movie should have been BIGGER. I have seen at least two Whitney biopics now (a made-for-TV one, and this movie), and EACH and every single time, I feel like they just don't do Whitney's life story justice. I feel like it's always some low-budget type deal. 🥴 I'm sorry, but after seeing awesome biopics like "Ray", "Bohemian Rhapsody", "Elvis", "JFK", "Malcolm X", etc. , I just can't with this biopic. It's just NOT on the same level as those others at all. It makes me sad that it almost felt like they didn't even TRY with this biopic. 😔

MY OVERALL SCORE:  6/10  - Overall, if you love Whitney's iconic music, and just want to have a great time dancing and enjoying a light-hearted film, then check it out! But if you're expecting this film to be on any sort of level as other biopics done.... Then, you're going to be sorely disappointed. 😔 They just didn't put as much MONEY into this film as I would have hoped. I just hope that Michael's biopic has some BIG money behind it. I just feel like Whitney's biopic deserved better...and I would have started by casting someone else as the lead. 👀

I gave this movie a chance even despite my overwhelming feeling that the actress looked NOTHING like Whitney. I tried...But it did make a difference in some of my enjoyment of the film. (no offense) Maybe it's because I actually remember when Whitney was alive lol. Anyway.... Overall, it's a fun movie to watch at least once, and I encourage anyone who is just a fan of her music to check it out. I would say that it's streamable.... It's not one you have to watch on the big screen in other words. It was good fun though! So, definitely one worth checking out if you're a fan of Whitney's music. 😊👍

[llycaons]

I saw les mis live today (special treat). I’ve seen the show in high school and read the book a few times, but not recently

it’s such a gut punch to think that the social issues the books addresses are still a massive problem. idk about france but at least here in the us

I haven’t been listening to any music recently so when they started singing I was like “oh shit! this is great! cool how they do that!’

I didn’t cry, but at the beginning and at the end I got very close. ‘look down’ is such a fucking visceral song series

I forgot they have a live orchestra so halfway through I noticed the conductor and went ohhhh yeah there’s people down there playing instruments. sweet

my first les mis experience was the 2012(?) movie, which may have been bad musically speaking (didn’t love the valjean) but I have a lot of fondness for javert’s nasally voice and samantha barks’s eponine

I always had a crush on eponine when I was younger because barks was that beautiful, and in the books the ways she was described really appealed to me because I was 15 and didn’t think about how tragic her life was and sad it was that she’s been hardened by her experiences at such a young age. but I also think I connected with her loneliness a lot...leave marius and I’ll treat you right etc.

the theater songs are slightly differently delivered than in the movie, which I found sounded unnatural. they really have to sing fast, wow

live theater is really cool!! I haven’t been able to see any in years, and the lighting, effects, design, etc. are all so different from film and tv, they have so many more limitations but also unique opportunities that tv doesn’t. and I really loved to see how they put together each set right there on stage and how nothing looked *realistic* but the performance has its own character because of it

les mis has some of my favorite theater songs of all time, but also some of the most boring :/ ‘bring him home’ and ‘drink with me’ barely have real melodies. also im sorry but all the lyrics to ‘I dreamed a dream” are very juvenile. I get that fantine is young but those lyrics just sound ridiculous

but I really loved master of the house and lovely ladies, those are SUCH fun songs. I think the thernardiers were some of the first villains I saw onscreen who were just really fun with it

so fucked up that they killed gavroche. SO fucked up. I think his death scenes, in both the movie and the theater, were just gutting. I get why they did it! it was a good choice! but wow

I like how the movie had javert give gavroche that medal in recognition of his courage, but why did they actually have rain during ‘a little fall of rain’? the point was that eponine was so soaked in her own blood she just thought it was raining

the movie is the most pared-down version of the story that can still be comprehensible. it’s impressive how condensed they made events. the theater had several scenes I remember from the book that couldn’t fit into the movie

watching made me want to read the book again, it had so much detail that i really enjoyed when I had energy to get through it

god, anyone remember the les mis fandom ca. 2012? naturally people would flock to the shippable college students with one-sentence personalities and repeat the catchy songs and make memes rather than actually consider the social messages in the book or talk about the actual main character

speaking of messages, this is the only story where I watch it and feel I kind of get people being into catholicism to which

even so something that drove me crazy about valjean was in the books he would just not enjoy himself or let himself be happy. catholics will love to suffer. catholics will present suffering as a noble thing to do in life so you get rewarded in heaven. drove me up a wall. in the book he literally had no reason not to be with cosette he just felt unworthy of her or something and would just stop visiting her even though they missed each other so bad

oh wait it’s because he told marius about him being a convict but not about anything else in his life and it made marius cut him off because he thought he was evil or smt even though valjean later revealed that his wealth was from an honest idea he had and they reconcile just before he dies. so what was the fucking point, anyway? be as miserable and noble as you can die and then get to heaven because you were Good (tm) ugh

also, why didn’t valjean just tell marius who he was? he knew cosette loved marius back, what need was there for him to do this elaborate sewer crawl after marius was injured? what if marius had been shot dead, huh? like I know the character reasons for his determination to do everything in the most secret way possible but it would have made things so much easier

don’t love how women and sex workers are treated about by any of the versions or how cosette is treated by valjean or marius like she can’t handle the truth but for 1860s, not as bad as it could have been?

but the themes of just...kindness and second chances and forgiveness and sympathy for the most oppressed and mistreated members of society and doing right by others and loving them is so fucking good anyway

[im-no-jedi]

MLWTBB: First Time For Everything

aka the (continued) journey into my self insert nonsense✨

chapter summary: after continually being blown off by Madame Eldya, Hunter confronts Hannah, which results in a harsh exchange between them. Omega and Wrecker decide to comfort Hannah, but Wrecker accidentally says more than he intended to...

notes: this is a continuation of my story, “My Life With The Bad Batch”; I highly recommend reading that first before this one! I created a few new planets for this story. I’m also not 100% versed in SW terminology, so forgive me if some things are labeled incorrectly! each chapter will be rated accordingly, as opposed to the overall fic. lastly, there is romance in this story. hope you enjoy! 💙

add. notes: this chapter was edited and proofread by my sis @jam-n-ham! thanks sis!! 😋💙

Chapter 6, 4900+ words, rated G (Hunter’s pretty rude at one point, but that’s it LOL)

previous chapters: Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

next chapter

✨MLWTBB masterlist✨

______________________________________________________________

It wasn’t hard to tell that the grand assembly had previously been a theater once Hannah and the others got closer to the large stage. Elaborate deep red curtains that matched the main hall draped against the back wall, with more pulled off to each side of the stage. Like the rest of the room, there were servants busy at work moving things around and setting things up. A portion of the stage had been prepared for an orchestra, judging by the various instruments that had been set up there. Some of the servants were working on setting up a holo projector that kept flashing different images on and off. Above the stage, more servants were adjusting lights and hooking up more projectors from the rafters. There was also a Twi’lek woman in a skintight bodysuit practicing some sort of dance off to one side, effortlessly weaving her way past anyone who came in her direction.

This was the place Hannah was most interested in out of the entire building, and it showed on her face.

“Magnificent, isn’t it?” Madame Eldya stated, noticing Hannah’s awestruck look. “I’m certain you’ve never seen anything quite like it before.”

“No ma’am, I haven’t,” Hannah replied as she continued to take in everything that was going on around the stage. “And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that I can’t stay for the shows.”

Madame Eldya hummed in acknowledgement. Then her attention shifted to the Twi’lek woman dancing in the corner. “A’teeya,” she called out to the woman, who immediately paused to look at the Madame. “Mind your posture, you look like a twirling Rancor.”

The woman looked shocked but nodded in reply before stretching her shoulders back to what was clearly an uncomfortable position and continued with her dance. 

Out of all the people Hannah had seen so far, she pitied that poor Twi’lek the most. She knew how much skill and effort went into dancing, and to her, A’teeya had been doing a beautiful job. She began to reminisce about her younger days, when she took dance lessons back on Astreon. Back then, Hannah would’ve been traumatized to hear such harsh criticism like A’teeya had been given. It made her wonder what the thing had been to make her quit taking lessons all those years ago; she couldn’t remember. Maybe it was the fear of potential criticism in general. Just the idea of someone like Eldya critiquing her back then sent a shiver up Hannah’s spine.

Then Hannah suddenly felt a hand gently rest on her left shoulder. At first, she thought it was Hunter since he was standing directly to her left. But Hunter still grumpily had his arms crossed and wasn’t even looking at her.

“You ok?” came the soft voice of Echo from behind her. It was barely above a whisper, and as Hannah turned her face back, she saw his helmet just inches from her head. A soft smile spread across her lips, and she nodded back at him reassuringly. Echo nodded back and gave her shoulder a few gentle pats before stepping away from her.

It was weird having Echo be the one to check in on her like that. Not that it was unwelcome in any way, of course. By then, Hannah had grown quite close to Echo and considered him on the same level as a brother or a best friend. But normally it would be Hunter checking in on her while Echo was off to the side being grumpy about something. Briefly, she began to wonder if they’d switched armor without her noticing, and the thought almost made her giggle.  

She also continued questioning why Hunter was being so grumpy in the first place. For as long as she’d known him, Hunter had always been calm and collected. Very few things ever set him off, even when things were at their worst. It was nice to have him be so stable whenever someone was freaking out about something, especially when it was Hannah herself. It reminded her a lot of how she used to be with her blood family. Which made it that much more distracting and irritating that he was behaving the way that he was.

As Hannah was having these thoughts, Eldya was continuing to give critiques and orders to the servants up on the stage. It seemed like nothing they were doing was to her liking no matter what they did. Eventually, Sneech showed up and went up on stage himself to assist in the process, but still none of it pleased the Madame.

Then at some point, Hannah noticed an odd noise. The spacious room was busy as could be and all sorts of ruckus and other sounds could be heard from anywhere someone happened to be standing. This noise was nearby though, and it was grating on Hannah’s ears. Honing in on the sound, she realized it was coming from somewhere to her left. Oh boy, she exasperatingly thought to herself. Very slowly, Hannah turned her head in that direction, to where she thought the noise was coming from.

Sure enough, her assumption was correct. A still grumpy Hunter still had his arms crossed, only now he was impatiently drumming his fingers on the armor of his upper right arm. And it was very annoying and distracting.

Hannah inhaled sharply through her nose and tried to ignore the noise, but nothing was able to distract her from it. Eldya’s continual chastisement wasn’t something she wanted to hear either. But there was nothing she could do about that. She could do something about Hunter’s finger drumming though.

In one swift movement, Hannah flung a hand out towards him and firmly grabbed the hand that was making the noise, keeping it gripped to his arm. She didn’t even turn to look at him, she just kept her grip on his hand, completely ignoring whatever reaction he was giving her at that moment. It honestly didn’t even matter; even if he was giving her some sort of dirty look, she wouldn’t be able to see it through his helmet. In her peripheral vision, she could tell he was staring in her direction, but her gaze remained away from him.  

Maybe it was from the physical contact, but now more than ever, Hannah could literally feel the tension Hunter was experiencing. Not just in his body, but in how he was feeling as well. It felt like she was peering into his very soul somehow. It was strange. Her grip on his hand turned into a brief squeeze before Hannah finally let go with a deep exhale. She still couldn’t face him, but she could tell he was still looking at her. His arms had finally uncrossed as well. Whatever had just happened seemed to affect him enough to get him to ease up a bit, at least.

A loud, exasperated groan was suddenly heard from Madame Eldya. “I can’t stand this any longer,” she lamented, shaking her head in disapproval. “Once again, I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.” She began making her way up the stage, continuing to shake her head, but Hannah stopped her before she got too far. “I’m afraid this takes precedence,” Eldya bluntly told her. “You’re welcome to roam the floor but mind your escorts.”

Hannah opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Eldya stared back at her with a raised eyebrow and asked if there was a problem. Again, nothing came out of Hannah’s mouth, and she simply shook her head in response, twiddling her fingers bashfully. The look Eldya gave her was both apathetic and displeased, and she walked away without another word to any of them.

There was silence amid the group for a moment as Eldya went back to barking orders at her servants on the stage. Hannah wasn’t facing any of them, but she could feel her family’s gaze on her, with none as harsh as Hunter’s.

“This is turning into quite the irksome pattern,” Tech eventually stated.

Echo sighed and shook his head. “I’m starting to get the feeling she’s blowin’ us off on purpose.”

“Well, we already know she doesn’t like us!” Wrecker exclaimed.

“Yes, she’s made that quite clear,” Tech said in exasperation.

“She seems to like Hannah ok,” Omega pointed out. “At least she’s actually talking to her.” She looked up at her adopted sister with a soft smile, which Hannah acknowledged with a small smile in return.

Then Hannah finally turned to face the others with a sigh. “I don’t know, it’s looking pretty hopeless, guys. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do...” She began to curl in on herself, tucking her hands under her armpits as her face turned to the floor.

“You could try doing what you came here to do,” Hunter gruffly replied.

Hannah’s brows furrowed and she let out a scoff. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Hunter spoke bluntly as he continued. “The entire time we’ve been here, the only talking you’ve done with Eldya is about the building, not her business with Cid. We didn’t come here to make small talk.”

Another scoff from Hannah. “I’m sorry if I’m at least trying to get on her good side. That’s kind of how these things work, Hunter. I know you haven’t done a lot of interactions with people like this before, and I haven’t either, but I know how these things work.” She looked up at him, letting him fully see the disgruntled look on her face. “Cid sent me here to do this, not you. I’d appreciate it if you just let me do my job, please.”

“I have been,” Hunter sternly replied, now standing directly in front of Hannah. “I’ve been doing nothing, literally nothing, but stand beside you this entire time, waiting for you to do what we brought you here to do. And I don’t care what you say, there’s no way to get on that woman’s good side. Because it doesn’t exist. You’re wasting your time and everybody else’s by doing that.”

Hannah’s brows continued to furrow. She felt like a child being scolded and couldn’t look Hunter in the face anymore. “Well, I’m sorry for wasting your precious time then!” She huffed and turned away from him, now crossing her arms in frustration. “I’m doing my best, ok?”

Hunter exhaled sharply through his nose. “No, you actually aren’t. And you know it.”

Hearing that, Hannah’s chest began to tighten. A lump started forming in her throat, and she swallowed it, hard. “I don’t need this right now, Hunter.”

“Then what do you need?” Hunter firmly responded. “Cause I know what we all need right now. We need to leave.” Hannah shook her head and began stepping away as he continued speaking. “The longer we stay here, the worse it’s gonna get. Maybe if ya quit letting Eldya walk all over you and actually did your job, we could finally get outta here!”

Immediately, Hannah stopped in her tracks. Her shoulders visibly tensed up and her hands balled up into tight fists at her sides. She swung around to face Hunter, her chest heaving with anger. The look on her face was both pained and furious. “Well maybe if you weren’t such an ass about it!” With a loud huff, Hannah stomped off, leaving the rest of the group near the stage.

Everything briefly went quiet. Then Hunter let out an aggravated growl and also stomped off in the opposite direction. The others were left in a state of dismay and confusion.

“Uhh, what just happened?” Wrecker questioned his remaining siblings.

“Nothing that hasn’t happened before,” Echo replied with an exasperated sigh.

“Well, this just complicates things even further,” Tech added.

As the three boys continued to talk among themselves, Omega watched in distress as her big brother and adopted sister further distanced themselves from each other. Hannah had been making her way over to one of the tables on the far-right side and plopped down onto a chair with an audible huff. Hunter was over on the far left, pacing between a few of the tables before eventually leaning against one of them with his arms crossed, turned away from everyone. This was one of Omega’s worst fears come to fruition. She never wanted to have to choose between the two of them, but she knew things were never going to resolve if she didn’t intervene. In desperation, she looked back at Echo, the one who she knew would have a solution to the problem.

“Where’d they go off to?” Echo asked her. Omega pointed them out, and Echo sighed. “Well, at least they didn’t go far.” He looked between them both, then back down at Omega. “Why don’t you go talk to Hannah? I think she could use some kind words right now.”

“I’ll go with ya!” Wrecker added. “I hate seein’ her so upset too.”

Omega accepted their proposal with a nod. Then Echo said he would go talk to Hunter, with Tech welcome to join if he wanted. Tech agreed, and the four of them split off into their respective groups.

******************  

The table Hannah sat at was large and round, with a simple ivory tablecloth draped over it. At least a dozen chairs were stationed around it, all made of gold with deep red cushions that matched the hallway and doors. In any other instance, Hannah would’ve focused on how plush the chairs were, but at the moment, all she could focus on were Hunter’s words. She’d always hated getting scolded by her parents, especially as an adult, and even if Hunter didn’t mean it that way, that’s all it felt like to her. And the worst part about it was knowing that his words were true. Harshness aside, she agreed with everything he’d said. And that hurt the most. She felt like a failure.

It took all of her strength to not start crying. Not only did she not want to ruin her makeup, but she’d already caused enough of a scene. Still, she huffed and heaved with a heavy scowl on her face, keeping her gloved fists clenched in her lap in an effort to keep her emotions in check. It was barely working.

Then the chair to her left suddenly scooted back and a small figure sat down next to her. Hannah couldn’t even look at her. She knew she would lose it if she looked at the undoubtedly sympathetic look Omega was giving her. No words were said between either of them.

Then Hannah felt a small hand rest on her knee. Immediately, her chest lurched and a lump caught in her throat. Still, Omega said nothing and just kept her hand resting on the lacy skirt covering Hannah’s knee. Hannah’s lip began to tremble, but she remained strong, still keeping her eyes away from her adopted sister.

Then two giant hands suddenly came to rest on her shoulders. Hannah’s breath caught in her throat and she let it out with a soft squeaking noise. She felt Wrecker’s presence pressed up close to the back of the chair, with his head tilted down above hers.

“You ok, missy?” Wrecker asked softly.

That finally did it. With a shaky inhale, Hannah’s face scrunched up and a few tears began streaming down her face as she let out a soft whimper. Her own hands clasped the giant ones on her shoulders and she gave them a good squeeze. The small hand on her knee began running across her leg in gentle strokes, and Hannah put one of her own hands on top, keeping her other on Wrecker’s on her shoulder.

Eventually, Wrecker leaned down and gave Hannah a gentle squeeze before taking the seat on her right. He placed a hand back on her shoulder and kept it there, rubbing it gently as she tried to calm down.

“Are you ok now?” Omega gently asked as Hannah began blotting her tears with the back of her glove.

Hannah sniffed loudly and shook her head. “He’s right...”

Omega looked at her questioningly.

“He was right... about everything... I should’ve...” Hannah’s words trailed off. She could barely speak in her choked-up state, but Omega could still understand her.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Hannah,” Omega reassured her.

“Just cause Hunter was right doesn’t mean he wasn’t bein’ a jerk!” Wrecker added.

Hannah let out a choked scoff. “That’s for sure...”

Omega leaned in closer and placed her other hand on top of Hannah’s, creating a hand sandwich with Hannah’s in the middle. “There’s still time to fix this. You can finish this mission. I know you can.”

A smile grew on Hannah’s face and she squeezed the small hand underneath hers. “Thanks, Baby Girl.”

“Do ya want us to keep Hunter away for a while for ya?” Wrecker asked in a serious tone.

Hannah’s face scrunched up again, only this time she let out a loud snicker. “That’s alright, but thanks.” She shook her head and sighed. “I just... I don’t know what his problem is. He’s been irritated ever since we got here, and it’s been distracting. I think it’s something about the droids, but I don’t know. He hasn’t really told me.” She sighed again and leaned on the table, resting on one arm. “He rarely ever tells me what’s wrong with him...”

“Ehh, he’s always been that way,” Wrecker responded with a shrug. “Well, mostly. I don’t really remember him any differently. Not since we were kids, anyway.”

“Also,” Omega added. “We haven’t really been able to talk much since we got here.”

“I know!” Hannah exclaimed. “That’s the problem! But it’s been impossible to ignore it either!” She let out a loud huff and her head rested on her arm on the table. “I hate being an empath sometimes...”

Wrecker cocked his head in confusion. “A what?”

“An empath,” Hannah responded. “Someone who feels a lot of empathy.”

Still confused, Wrecker scratched the top of his helmet and made a low grunting noise. Hannah and Omega both giggled at him.

“Empathy is when you can feel other people’s emotions yourself, right?” Omega asked.

“Yeah,” Hannah replied. “And an empath is someone who experiences a lot of empathy, usually without trying.”

Wrecker was still confused, so Hannah explained it further, saying she could basically copy other people’s emotions. If someone was sad, it would make her sad. If someone was happy or excited, she would get happy or excited, even without context. It was a good way to understand other people, but it could also be a huge detriment and often meant it was hard for her to gauge her own emotions because of it. And it was definitely worse with people she was close to.

“So that’s why you always get excited when I get excited!” Wrecker pointed out. Hannah agreed with a giggle and a nod. “Well, no wonder ya got so upset with Hunter then!” he continued.

“That means you two are pretty close, huh?” Omega noted, the smile on her face growing wider.

The entire time she’d been sitting there, Hannah hadn’t even looked over in Hunter’s direction. She knew he was off on the other side of the room and had been specifically avoiding any glances over there. But hearing that from Omega, she couldn’t help but at least try to look for him again.

It only took a second for her to catch his visage. Echo and Tech were with him, having a conversation. He was standing in his signature pose, shoulders back and arms crossed, and leaned against one of the tables. Any anger she’d felt towards him before was gone. Just by looking at him, she could tell he was in a similar state to her own, feeling ashamed and regretful. She didn’t need empathy to know that.

“I think we are,” Hannah softly replied. “I...” She swallowed the lump forming in her throat and tilted her head back towards the table. “I care about him... a lot...”

Up until then, Hannah had never shared her feelings about Hunter to anyone other than Omega. She never needed to with Echo, and she didn’t feel a need to do so for Wrecker and Tech either. In that moment though, it felt more like she was admitting it to herself than anyone else.  

But Wrecker was still there, of course.

“Oh man,” he said as he rubbed the back of his helmet. “Now I’m kinda glad I didn’t ask you out before this.”

The closest equivalent to the reaction Hannah had after hearing that was if she’d suddenly been hugged by Cid. Her eyes rapidly started blinking and her face twisted into a mix of confusion and astonishment. “Wh... what?”

“Oh uhh, never mind,” Wrecker quickly replied, realizing his mistake.

Hannah was now eying him with a suspicious gaze, her eyes slowly squinting as she stared him down. “Wrecker...”

“Nothin’, it was nothin’, really!”

Hannah continued to stare him down.

“It doesn’t matter anyway cause we wouldn’t’ve been able to go out even if I had asked ya to go out with me!”

Hannah’s jaw immediately dropped. She had heard him correctly the first time. “You... you were gonna ask me out?”

“Uhhhhhh...”

“He was,” Omega chimed in. “I was there when he talked about it.”

“O-Omega!” Wrecker exclaimed.

Hannah’s face was quickly beginning to turn red and she held her cheeks in her hands. This was the first instance ever of her hearing someone that she knew say that they wanted to ask her out. And it was Wrecker of all people. It was a bit overwhelming for her.

“Why are you getting so flustered about it?” Omega asked her brother, genuinely curious.

“Because!” Wrecker exclaimed again. “It’s not like I’m gonna do it now anyway! And I only was gonna do it before cause I knew Hunter wanted to ask her, but he didn’t!”

Hannah actually choked on her own breath. It felt like her heart stopped and was about to explode out of her chest at the same time. She might as well have been struck by lightning at that moment.

“H-Hunter was gonna ask me out?!” she eventually squeaked out.

“Uhhhhhhh....”

Omega audibly facepalmed.

Eyes bugged out and unable to breathe, Hannah slowly lowered her head onto the table with a soft thud. Was that why Hunter had been acting so weird? Or was it just a coincidence? So much had been happening, it was almost too much for her to handle.  

Eventually, she was able to slowly lift her head off the table, but just enough to speak. “Wrecker... you literally could not have picked a more terrible time to tell me all of that...”

Wrecker was already quite bashful and hearing that just emphasized it. “Sorry...” He sheepishly pressed his fingers together and his face sunk downward. “I really did wanna ask you though... even though I know ya like Hunter better...”

Hearing that, Hannah’s heart sank. Her lip turned into a pout and she reached a hand over to Wrecker’s shoulder. “Aww, Big Guy...” As she gently rubbed his shoulder, he eventually turned his head towards her again, and she gave him a sympathetic look. “You’re the sweetest ever...”

Wrecker turned even more bashful and rubbed the back of his helmet again. “Aww gee... I just want ya to be happy, Hannah.”

Hannah couldn’t help herself and stood up so she could plant a big kiss on the side of Wrecker’s helmet. It left a visible lipstick mark, which made Omega giggle. She wondered if Hunter would ask about it later. Then Hannah came over and gave Omega a kiss on the cheek as well. Like with Wrecker’s helmet, a lipstick mark was left on her cheek, and she giggled again.

“What was that for?” Omega asked through her giggles.

“Cause you guys are the best, and I love you,” Hannah answered as she gave the little girl a hug around the shoulders. “And to thank you for all of this.”

“Even me goofin’ up?” Wrecker asked.

“Yes, even that,” Hannah said through her own giggles. And she genuinely meant it. It seemed that out of everything, Wrecker’s revelations had shocked her out of her stupor. Hannah was feeling more focused than ever. Which only meant one thing...

After making a confident stance, Hannah took a deep inhale through her nose and began walking away from the table.

“Where are ya goin’?” Wrecker called out to her.

Hannah stopped just long enough to turn back, flashing a confident smile at him. “To do my job.”

As Hannah walked off towards the stage, Wrecker turned to Omega and asked, “Should we follow her?”

“Nah,” Omega responded with a shake of her head. “She’s got this.”

And that’s exactly what Hannah told herself as she got closer to the stage. All the encouragement from her friends had been helpful, but the only thing that mattered now was her own encouragement. It was what she needed all along.  

Eldya was near the back, in conversation with a few of the stagehands. Calling out to her would be pointless, so Hannah stepped up onto the stage so she could approach her. Some of the servants looked at her in surprise, but didn’t stop her.

Unfortunately, Sneech also noticed Hannah approaching. “Excuse me, but this area is for personnel only,” he said as he stepped in front of her.

Hannah was completely unfazed. “Move, Sneech, I need to speak to the Madame.”

Sneech looked a bit taken aback by this statement. “She is unreachable at the moment, but perhaps I can--”

“No thank you,” Hannah interjected and began stepping around Sneech, completely ignoring whatever stuttering noises he was making. Her focus was solely on Eldya now.  

A few nervous butterflies began to build in her stomach as she got closer to Eldya, but she tried to ignore them, keeping her focus on her mission. Eldya was still in conversation and didn’t even notice Hannah approaching. After getting closer, Hannah cleared her throat in an attempt to get Eldya’s attention, but to no avail. She tried again, a bit louder, but still no response. Finally, after saying her name in a decently loud tone, Madame Eldya finally turned in Hannah’s direction. Her expression was as cold as ever and she was clearly annoyed at having been interrupted.

“Apologies, Madame,” Hannah said to her, giving a slight apologetic bow. “But I was just wondering when exactly you planned on us having our discussion?”

Eldya looked at her for a moment, like she’d just asked the stupidest question ever. “When I’m available. I still have some matters to deal with here.”

Hannah remained unfazed and it showed simply in how she was carrying herself. “I understand that, Madame. It’s just that the day goes on, and I feel I’ve overstayed my welcome as is. If you truly need to continue your preparations, then perhaps it might be best to get our business over with as soon as possible? I’d hate to be in your way any further, is all.”

It went silent for a while as the Madame seemed to be pondering Hannah’s words. Even the stagehands were anxious to see what her response would be. All the while, Hannah maintained her cool composure.

“Very well,” Eldya eventually said. She waved the stagehands off, who seemed to be relieved at the command. “Sneech, I’m stepping away for a bit,” she called out to the nearby Rodian. “You’re in charge until I return.”

Hannah was overjoyed to hear all of this, but still kept her cool. She thanked Eldya and told her she would go get her escorts, but Eldya stopped her.

“You won’t be needing them. My droids will be guarding the door. Also, my office is the safest place in the entire building.”

The few nervous butterflies Hannah had suddenly began to multiply. She didn’t doubt Eldya’s words, but she also didn’t like the idea of leaving the others out of the conversation. Mostly because they had been her support the entire time. Even having just one of them there with her would be enough, but she doubted Eldya would even allow that. Sure enough, Eldya gave Hannah a questioning look, asking if there was a problem, but Hannah denied anything and agreed to the Madame’s terms.

With her two droids in tow, Eldya began making her way off the stage, with Hannah following behind. Hannah’s confidence was beginning to wane, but she knew if she faltered now, it would all be over. They passed by the table Omega and Wrecker sat at, and Omega stood up to follow, but Hannah silently stopped her. Omega looked confused and worried, but Hannah gave her a reassuring look and gestured for her to stay. The small girl could only watch as her adopted sister walked off with Madame Eldya back to the large staircase.

“Uhh, was this part of the plan?” Wrecker asked in confusion.

“I... I don’t know,” Omega responded. “I’m sure it’ll be fine though.” She shook her head and furrowed her brow. “It will be fine. Hannah’s got this.”

In her heart, she knew Hannah would be fine. As long as she stayed focused, her adopted sister could do anything. But at the same time – and maybe it was what happened with Hunter that made her feel this way – something felt off.

Hopefully it was just overprotective nerves and nothing more.

[dearestaeneas]

April 25.

Two weeks left. I just have to make it through two more weeks. I hate to admit how appealing unemployment is beginning to sound. I should be more worried, but it’s not as though I’m paid enough to cover my bills, anyway.

I cannot wait to be free of this place. It’s been…different lately.

But I’ve been here for years. Maybe it always felt like this, and now that I can see a finish line, something unconscious is trying to take it all in in these last moments.

Still, though. It’s like the roof is buckling over my head, like the air itself is boxing against my ears. I sound crazy. I know I sound crazy, but it’s like the building itself can sense that I’m leaving. Maybe the headaches are the only way it knows how to tell me.

Three years. I have worked here for three years.

I’ve spent more time here than anywhere else. And they pay me less than minimum wage to do it.

I’ve reflected a lot on my last few shows here. I doubt I’ll ever get a job like this again. I’d like to be paid, but I’ll miss knowing the gallery more than anyone else.

There have never been themes between exhibitions before. Our last big show was from an illustrator and puppeteer. Lots of kids came in to see that one, and I loved calling out from the desk, “Would you like to see one up close?” when I saw them get just a little too close to the stanchion. The kids were usually shy, but their associated adults would respond enthusiastically. Graciously.

I would cross that border between exhibit and audience: the only person allowed to do so. I would let them choose a puppet, and then I would make it dance for them.

I would make it wave. Sometimes, I made it speak.

I let them pick as many as they wanted, and they never crossed closer into my world. I would lift the marionettes from their pegs, reverently.

When I locked up for the night, I would turn off the stage lights of the puppet theater first. I don’t know why. It wasn’t convenient.

I would never look into their space after those lights were off. Not if I could avoid it. It felt…wrong. They weren’t meant to be seen like that. They weren’t meant to be viewed when they were asleep and so far away from the next performance.

I did look once, though. I even took a photo. I liked the cool, dark light on them, the way the varnish on the wood still shone in such low light. Their faces weren’t cruel, they didn’t change. I know that.

I also know that that photo was not blurry when I took it.

Whenever I tried to zoom in on their faces after I left, it was like they had looked away at the last moment.

I had felt personally offended whenever someone called them creepy. There was a public safety officer who often came in to bullshit with me and walk around the gallery. He called them creepy. He talked about the job like it was a burden. A burden that the marionettes made so much worse.

I think he was hitting on me. He always stands around, waiting. As if he has more to say to me. I pretend to not notice. I pretend to be busy. I agreed with him when he called the puppets creepy, or that the job was a pain. It was easier. Made everything go faster.

I apologized to the marionettes once. He just didn’t understand, I explained. When a patron told me they had scared her when she was younger, I praised them. Being from a culture that values this sort of thing for storytelling helps, I suppose.

I didn’t take any photos of them after that one time. I always said goodnight, though.

I hope they were packaged well when the show ended. I know the correct protocol, but I mean actually packaged well. Were they handled with the care I would have shown?

This show doesn’t have the same heart. Some senior art student bullshit. Lifeless. Soulless. Just like the kids who make them, no doubt.

One girl yelled at me because she misplaced her prints. I saw her project in full today- it’s a fake ad for gum. She didn’t even have the decency to make something good after treating me like that.

There is one piece, though, in a sea of fake-deep graphic design, that hints at being created by someone with some kind of light behind their eyes.

It’s a sheep.

It’s massive. And it’s hanging from 13 feet above. Its wool is golden, and its hooves look as though they were taken from the real thing.

There are smaller accompanying pieces next to it, one of which is a digital print of a golden sheep with a halo around it, and the other is a small embroidered portrait, featuring the same golden lamb, although much smaller. Two red strings fall from it and fill a vial beneath, the blood in all its shades swirling within.

I wonder how much the largest part, the hanging sheep, weighs. It is suspended by ropes. Not the thickest, sure, but ropes nonetheless. It hangs from what I assume is a handmade wooden bracket.

I was not here for its installation. What hangs from the ceiling now is nothing like what I imagined when I first saw the draft prints.

I do not know how the artist made the eyes look so realistic.

[mydissociativediaries]

2/11/2023: Timeline

Third entry for 2/11/2023.

Been thinking about a timeline for the abuse. I obviously don't remember all the dates or exactly when "milestones" happened--I remember some of the worst days vividly but not the date or how old I was--but I can recall a few things.

Important dates:

A song stuck in my head during what was probably the worst day (yep, my memories are THAT vivid) came out in 2007 when I was about 13. I couldn't believe it when I saw that. I thought I was a lot younger when that happened.

Aaaand now I have an exact date for the previous one: March 9, 2007. I remembered an art piece online that was posted on that date. Searched for it and found it.

A movie that we saw in the theater on another godawful day came out in 2004. I was about ten or eleven and in the fifth grade--I remember telling my teacher that I was going to see that movie.

One night when writing sentences was my punishment--that's not an abusive form of discipline, but the circumstances surrounding it were--happened in 2004. I remember the new episode of The Simpsons playing at the time.

I thiiink I was 12 or 13 when I read a book that triggered one of my "dark" periods? I don't have a clear date on that one, though. The book came out in 2000, and that definitely did not happen when I was eight, lmao.

I remember my mom saying that I started doing "it" two years ago when my POS sister was little. I guess that would be maybe 2001 or 2002? Maybe a little earlier?

Whatever this repressed memory is (and I'm starting to suspect that I have more than one) came from infancy or very young childhood, probably before I started preschool.

Two songs that remind me of this repressed memory came out in 2001, so something happened around that time (it's not 9/11, lol.) I probably have more than one repressed memory. I feel like there's something all the way back in early childhood, before I went to school, but something also happened (apparently) when I was 8 or 9. Either that, or something just triggered those memories.

A Michael Crichton book ("Next") came out in 2006. I associate it with an abusive event that happened before that (can't remember how long it had been, but a line in the book vividly triggered those memories, so it would've been relatively recent.)

I also remember a scene--another one of the worst--when my POS sister was singing along to a Pokemon CD. Looking it up, I found a couple of CDs that might fit the bill. A few were released in 2001, which seems too early for this memory, but she could've easily been listening to it a few years later. The next CD came out in 2005, which seems a little too late, but...maybe it's not. Don't know.

Wish I could remember which song that little asshole was singing. I can almost place it, but not quite. Might remember some of the lyrics if I think about it hard enough.

Looking at this now, some of these dates aren't lining up. My math is shit, lmao. But the song and movie dates are right at least.

Thanks for reading,

🗓️

[topgunvideosoh]

Top Gun Maverick a real review

Top Gun Maverick A Real Review

  Top Gun Maverick was first released in theaters months ago. Now it is available for purchase online and for DVD sales. Since this is a video site about guns and not movies, I felt reluctant to provide a review. Top Gun Videos is what the title says and a site all about gun videos from top online creators. However, this movie was so good (especially compared to the mess Hollywood seems to want to make now) that I had to give you a quick review and a look at the trailer.

Top Gun Maverick is a great movie overall. There are a few things I dislike about it, but many more I do like than those few detractors.

First, let me share that I love good nostalgia movies. I enjoy when the script, directing, and acting honor the past. Top Gun Maverick does a great job with honoring the first movie, and really the timeframe that Top Gun represents. I enjoyed that the Millennium Falcon was smaller in scale in the new Star Wars movies as an example. It worked well because of how most of our childhood memories recall the scale of things. You saw the same scale effects in the recent throwback nostalgic take of the Shinning in Dr. Sleep (2019).

The nostalgia in Top Gun Maverick was better than these fun plays on scale. It honored the characters, actors, and themes from the first film. I really was appreciative that they have a nice scene with Val Kilmer’s character (Iceman). Many viewers will find it hard to believe how Tom Cruise appears. He truly looks young in the movie. It turns out being a very wealthy, eating well, and exercise can help you appear younger.

Maverick has a great cast. Not only did they honor their relationship with some key talent, they also have young actors like Miles Teller that do a great job. The film and its cast do seem patriotic and the movie has that positive feeling. One thing you will find odd is that the enemy in the film has no real world basis. You get great cockpit views, amazing energy in the flight footage, but no sense of the source of evil in the film. I get that we are in a global economy now, and they certainly want to sell the movie overseas. It just is a very odd feature of the film. It is a very conscious decision to try to avoid the attacks and arrows of the wacky mob today.

  Here is a fast overview of the plot of Top Gun Maverick

After a 30 year career of service in the Military as a Top American Aviator, Pete "Maverick" Mitchell (Tom Cruise) finds himself back at Top Gun School, this time as an instructor. He must train a young group of top pilots for a special mission. This is when he runs into the son of his former Naval Navigator and friend Lt. Nick Bradshaw, aka “Goose.” Miles Teller plays the role of Lt. Bradley Bradshaw call sign: “Rooster,” who is the son of Goose and issues between the two men threaten to impact the mission.

I do not want to dive much deeper into the plot because I want you to enjoy the ride. This movie is much like an amusement ride. It has a steady pace and even a faster, more consistent pace than the first film. I think if it was not for the strange concessions in the plot I would have enjoyed this movie more thanks to that fast pace.

If you have not seen the original somehow, then watch that first. You could even make it a double feature movie night with the family. There are some adult themes, but the overall feeling of the movie is one that provides a moral theme. Even if that is, the good guys can still win, and that we as a Nation can still be great.

I would give this movie a must see designation and a 4.8 out of 5 stars. Making it clearly the best movie available for rent or purchase at this time. You can also pick up a copy of both as a box set or a special download deal.

Originally published here: https://topgunvideosonline.com/top-gun-maverick-a-real-review/

[mykingdomforasong]

bookshop au + mutual pining for skysolo?

[fanfic mash up list]

A fair fifty percent of the mall had shut down in the last five years, but the movie theater, Buffalo Wild Wings, and Barns and Noble still did decent enough business to justify keeping the rest of the building up and running.

Most of the customers were middle and high school students looking for ways to pass the time on weekends and summer breaks. The other customers were middle-class moms trying their best to keep their kids entertained. But it was 11a.m on Tuesday, which meant that most of the customers visiting Luke at the Barns and Noble Starbucks were a few elderly people and the occasional college student.

Them, and his coworkers.

Luke started punching Han's usual drink order into the cash register when he saw him walking up. They worked together most weekdays, and Luke had become intimately familiar with the scary-high quantities of caffeine Han could consume in just eight hours.

"Sold two memberships already," Han bragged.

Luke rolled his eyes. "I have no idea how you get so many people to sign up for those."

"I'm good at my job. Charming. People like me," he said.

"Eh, you're not as smooth of a talker as you think you are," Luke said smirking as Han paid for his drink.

"Well, you wouldn't know. I've never tried to sell you anything."

Luke handed him his receipt and grabbed a cup for his drink. "I guess not."

Luke was the only one behind the counter; Ezra was in the back somewhere, restocking something or brewing drip coffee. On a slow weekday like this, Luke could manage on his own just fine. His prosthetic hand was good at balancing cups as he poured drinks, and everything else he'd learned to do one-handed. Like make a large oat milk latte with four shots.

He snapped the lid on, and then grabbed an M&M cookie out of the case.

"For you," he said, placing them both on the pick up counter.

Han smiled. "They're gonna fire you if they find out you keep giving me free cookies."

"Then I hope no one tells them." There was a pause then. Luke expected their conversation to end, for Han to turn towards the break room. Instead, they both just stood there, looking at each other for a little too long. Luke's stomach fluttered in the dumb way it always did when Han was around. He felt his cheeks get a little pink, and he hoped it wasn't noticeable.

He'd tried to find the courage to ask Han out a million times, but he always held himself back. What if he doesn't like guys? What if he doesn't like younger guys? What if he doesn't like me? Ignoring his crush also just seemed to be out of the question; more and more of the porn he watched seemed to feature men with dark eyes and hair. Han Solo was starting to occupy more of Luke's brain than he could afford to rent out.

And maybe that was why he'd managed to say absolutely nothing for ten seconds, spending that time, instead, imagining kissing Han's little chin scar.

Han's voice finally snapped him out of his chin scar-related daze.

"There's a copy of Project Hail Mary in the break room with your name on it," Han said. That was their exchange: Luke gave him cookies, Han squirreled away new releases Luke wanted.

"Thanks," he managed to say, smiling as Han walked away.

When Luke turned around, Ezra was standing by the counter. "That," he said, "was disgusting."

"What?" Luke asked, like he had no idea what Ezra was talking about. But of course he did, and he felt his face going red at the imminent confrontation.

"Your flirting is getting worse," Ezra told him. Luke just grabbed a rag and started to wipe down the counters. "And I don't mean quantity. I mean quality."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Luke insisted, despite knowing Ezra was right. Giving out free food and holding uninterrupted eye contact for an excruciating ten seconds hardly counted as good flirting.

~*~*~

Han sat in the break room enjoying his cookie as he attached and detached a post-it note to the inside cover Project Hail Mary, sticking it and peeling it off again over and over.

It was just his phone number with a little heart in the corner so Luke would know it wasn't meant to just be a friendly gesture. He peeled it off. Maybe I should be more clear, he thought reaching for another sticky note, about to write Luke - how about a movie this Saturday? Before stopping himself. Maybe I should be more vague. He was about to rewrite his own phone number, leaving out the heart, when Lando walked in.

"Skywalker give you another cookie?" He asked. Han nodded. "You ask him out yet?" Han held up the post-it note. "Thought you'd be more confident than that."

Han slumped back in his seat. "Got a better idea?"

"Yeah, use your words. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could die."

Lando just laughed at him.

When Lando left, Han stuck his original post it back in the book, hoping that Luke (and no one else, for that matter) found it before his shift ended.

~*~*~

Luke stopped in the break room when his shift was over, and found Project Hail Mary on top of the lockers with a note: for Luke, do not sell. Han's handwriting was scratchy and familiar. He hugged the book to chest, excited to get home and start reading.

Han was at the register. "You leaving?" He asked. He looked ... off. He wasn't as laid back as he usually was; instead, he stood a little straighter, and, Luke noticed, he'd done up the top buttons on his shirt. Luke wondered if there had been bad customers or something. He didn't want to pry though.

Luke nodded. "When do you get off?"

"You're my last customer," he said. Luke almost asked him out for a post-shift drink at Buffalo Wild Wings, but Leia was already outside waiting for him.

"See you tomorrow?" Luke asked, slipping the book into his bad.

"Yeah," Han said, "enjoy the book."

"Thanks," Luke said before heading out.

Leia was idling in the fire lane when he stepped outside. He slipped into the passenger side.

"You look smitten," she said.

"Shut up." He held his bag on his lap, letting his hand rest over the book, excited to get home and open it.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

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COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY