#Which is likely not the intended experience! Whether those things are lies or whether my idea of things is wrong

[fluffypurpleglitterdemon]

Getting into TGCF in an unusual order, having first been spoiled for several major plot points via enjoying fanworks (including the rather important plot point regarding Jun Wu) then watched the cartoon while waiting to get the books out from the library and only now beginning to read the books, has led to a lot of surprises! Genuinely thought watching the show that Ling Wen kept purposefully directing Xie Lian to enter the array when the other gods were trash talking him in it, was very surprised when he wandered into that scene accidentally fully on his own!

[changbunnies]

Slow Bloom (18+)

♡ Pairing: Inexperienced!Changbin x Experienced Fem!Reader

♡ Genre: fluff and smut with a lil plot <3 a tiny bit of angst during the build up but it doesn't last long at all!

♡ Word Count: 8.5k

♡ Summary: In which a misunderstanding while cuddling leads to discovering exactly how Changbin feels about you.

♡ Smut Warnings: not intended to have overt dom/sub dynamics but i may have written bin a bit subby lol oops, references to porn watching, kinda pervy bin?, his lack of experience is not outright stated to the reader as it is implied that they already know, nipple play, thigh grinding / humping, fingering (f rec), protected piv

♡ Notes: so quite a few ppl showed interest in an inexperienced binnie fic after i posted my inexperienced chan fic and i am here to deliver <3 this was also the perfect break from the longer, more plot heavy fics i've been working on as this took a lot less mental effort :') i hope you enjoy this while waiting for those!

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

There aren't many things in life that make Changbin nervous. 

He navigates the world with security and confidence, sure of himself and in the actions he takes. He can speak in tense or awkward situations with relative ease, nerves never eat him up in social settings, and he's never afraid to speak his mind or do what he wishes to. 

But then there's you. You, while laying in bed next to him with an arm draped over his body and one of your legs tucked between his, make him extremely, effortlessly nervous.

It wasn't always this way; at least, not as far as he can remember. You've been friends since forever, and closeness such as this is par for the course. He's used to impromptu sleepovers, to you making yourself comfy in his space, tossing your belongings to the floor without a care before you take over his bed. 

He's used to cuddling while watching tv, to squeezing each other into tight hugs, to limbs tangled under blankets. He's used to the lingering smell of your shampoo mixed with perfume, used to the feeling of your breath tickling his skin when you pull him close, to the feeling of your soft skin beneath his fingertips. 

He's used to it, and it doesn't affect him; or so he thought.

Somewhere along the line, something within him shifted. Whether the reason lies with you or with himself, he doesn't entirely know. What he does know is that he no longer sees you the same way he did when you were growing up together. And it wasn't until that shift occurred that he realized maybe "your friend" isn't the only thing he wants to be. 

Maybe it's a natural, gradual progression from where you both began, a shift in desire brought on by new maturity and life experience. Maybe you've been this radiant and beautiful since the very first day you met, but he was too young and oblivious to realize it then. 

Maybe it's because of that strange, sharp and twisting feeling in his gut every time he sees you with a new partner. If it wasn't for you showing interest in other people, would he have ever realized at all that what he feels for you transcends what he feels in his other friendships? 

While he loves his other friends, he doesn't get jealous when they bring a new partner around, or talk about their love life to him. He doesn't spend every night lying awake thinking about them, nor does he wonder what it'd be like to kiss them. He doesn't dream about seeing their bare skin, or about touching them, about them touching him.

He doesn't imagine their tongue lavishing over him, or of returning the favor to them. He doesn't fantasize about them in dirty, naughty scenarios, during his private moments in bed or in the shower. You occupy his every thought, to the point that even while watching porn he has to close his eyes and imagine it's you making those sounds instead, replacing the scene before him with a mental image of you and him together. 

That's what makes Changbin especially nervous right now. You're cuddled up to him, as you always are when you spend the night at his place, but he can't get his brain to please shut the fuck up and stop pushing him to the brink of embarrassing himself. 

He needs to stop thinking about the placement of your hand on his stomach, just above his waistband. He can't linger on the fact that your tits are pressed against him while you hug him, or about how pleasant the soft, content sighs that leave you sound to his ears.

If he thinks about any of it, he'll get hard– and that'll easily be the most mortifying moment of his life, because you would definitely notice with the way your leg is snaked between his and resting between his thighs. It's moments like this when he misses the days of innocence– when cuddling with you like this didn't feel quite so intimate.

He makes a conscious effort to focus harder on the tv in front of you both, playing some sitcom he has long since stopped paying attention to. He guesses the jokes are landing if your occasional giggles are any sign, but if you asked his opinion on anything going on he wouldn't be able to answer. Changbin has never been the type of person who was easily able to divide his attention, but God, does he fucking try.

Because if you realize he's getting hard, and you feel it, there are very few scenarios he can imagine where you're okay with it. And if you decide to question him on it, he'd be done for-–because there's no way he'd be able to outright deny his attraction to you. Playing it off would feel too much like lying, and this is not the kind of scenario he imagines when he thinks about the way he'll admit his feelings to you.

You've noticed since the beginning that his body has been tense; you've been cuddling since you were young, and you're more than familiar with how he feels when he's relaxed. It's almost amazing how someone so muscular can still feel so soft when their body is at rest– and right now you can't help but notice that he feels very far from soft. 

You tried to ignore it and focus on the show you're watching, and it worked for some time, but the longer he stays tense the more you can't help but wonder if you've been bothering him lately. It's become a growing pattern– you touch Changbin, in some ways small and menial like a passing tap to his arm as you slip past him in the kitchen, or large, in which you hug him tight and envelop him with your entire body.

Either way, the reaction is the same; he instantly tenses. You're not sure if he intends to do so, or if it's an unconscious reaction he doesn't even realize he's doing, but it hasn't gone unnoticed by you. The two of you have always been a match when it comes to being clingy and affectionate, but maybe that isn't the kind of attention he wants to get from you anymore. 

Are you being overbearing? Did you unintentionally do something wrong? Maybe he wants to distance himself from you but is just either too nice or too scared to say it out loud and hurt your feelings. 

When you tilt your head to look at him, his cheeks are pinker than they were just moments ago, with his gaze fixed solely on the tv. You're sure he can feel you looking at him, but he doesn't turn his head to meet your eyes. You want to believe he's just really engrossed in the show, but you can't help but doubt it. You know him, and you're certain that for whatever reason, he's avoiding your gaze. 

"Am I bothering you?" you ask abruptly, and perhaps a bit more vulnerable than you would've liked. Not that you can help it, really; you just really care about Changbin, and you can't stand not knowing if you've done something to upset him or make him want to separate himself from you. You have to know, because you can't stand it any longer. 

"What? No, I– what?" Changbin finally looks at you, furrowed brows peeking out between strands of his long, messy curls. You didn't expect him to be so surprised by your question; admittedly, it is sudden, but this has been building for weeks hasn't it? You thought he'd be relieved that you're bringing it up first so that he doesn't have to.

You've never been happier to be wrong, or to see such genuine confusion on his face. Thank God. "Sorry, I just.. You've been acting different lately, and I thought that maybe it was because I did something wrong," you explain, following it with a small, awkward laugh.

Really, you're relieved; at the same time however, you do feel a bit embarrassed and silly to have been questioning what's been happening with him now that he's so clearly taken aback. You jumped to conclusions and got a bit ahead of yourself, it’s true– but.. If that’s not it, then what is it?

Surely there’s a reason– his behavior wouldn’t have changed if everything is really the same as it's always been. If nothing's wrong, why does he tense up every time you try to act affectionate with him? Why does he hesitate to meet your gaze when he never had a problem doing so before? Why does it always feel like he's putting distance between you? 

Changbin swallows, you notice– a nervous response that you guess is from putting him on the spot. Because if it's not what you've been thinking, you need to be provided with another explanation– an explanation that only he can offer you. He needs to clear up this misunderstanding if he doesn't want you to wrongfully think you've done wrong by him, but what can he say that also omits the truth he isn't ready to admit? 

His cheeks grow pinker, and you can tell he's struggling to find words– something you'd typically never expect to see in your charismatic best friend. You've untangled yourself from him enough to lift yourself up, weight propped up by your elbow while you look directly in his eyes. He's slightly beneath you at this angle, eyes having to travel up to meet your own, and again he swallows. 

He's so fucked. There's nothing he can say right now other than "I really fucking like you and being this close to you all the time is making me crazy."

But he can't actually say that. Changbin wants his confession to come with a grand, romantic gesture. He wants to say the sweetest, more perfect words he can come up with. He wants to be a man of action, someone as cool as they are sincere, someone who can make you swoon with suave, but genuine effort. Admitting his feelings to you now, like this, would be the furthest thing from charming, or cool, or perfect. 

As if all of that wasn't enough, now he has to make a conscious effort to not let his eyes wander down to look at your chest– because he's been chubbing up since the moment you started cuddling, and if he catches a glimpse of your cleavage now, he's done for. It feels vaguely pathetic to be this affected by you when you don't even realize you're doing it to him. 

Changbin's eyes act against the purposeful efforts of his brain and travel to your chest, met overtly with the sight of your breasts pressed together. Fuck. He looks back up to your face quickly, hoping you haven't noticed where his eyes wandered. He wishes he could reach between your bodies and discreetly adjust his pants to hide his growing erection, but he can't, and God help him, you're going to notice any second now. 

And you're looking at him so sweetly and earnestly, patient and caring, totally unaware of what you're doing to him and what his actual struggle is. He wants to clear everything up, doesn't want you to feel like the fault of what he's going through lies with you, he wants to answer every question you have, he really does– but he's found himself in a vicious cycle. 

Trying not to think about the position you're both in, of how pretty you are looking down at him, or of your chest that he can't seem to ignore despite how badly he needs to focus on anything else just makes him dwell on it even more. The more he tries not to, the more space it takes up in his mind, until it's entirely clouded, preventing him from conjuring a thought worthy of being spoken to you. 

Fuck thinking of an excuse or explanation, he can't think of anything other than your tits being so close to his face. He wants nothing more than to kiss them, to feel your fingers running through his hair as he sticks his tongue out to lick your nipples, has thought about squeezing them between his palms so many times. 

So can he offer you a reasonable enough excuse that hides the truth of the matter? Absolutely fucking not– not when all he can think about is how you'd feel and taste. "Changbin?" your questioning voice snaps him out of it, looking up at you like a deer caught in headlights behind his thick rimmed glasses. 

He looks guilty, face entirely flushed red all the way to the tips of his ears. And you're convinced now that he was trying to spare your feelings, and was stuck on finding the right way to break it to you. He didn't know what to say, and was trying so desperately to think of something that wouldn't crush you.

He can see the hurt wash over you, and he opens his mouth, ready to blurt out anything in a futile attempt at damage control, but you're already speaking before he even gets the chance to try. "You don't have to spare my feelings, you can be honest, just tell me–" you say as you start to push yourself away from him, very clearly misunderstanding the situation that's been unfolding. 

Before he can even begin to figure out if he should be relieved or devastated by your incorrect assumptions hiding what he feels, the process of moving your leg from between his causes him to let out a gasp that takes you both by surprise. You feel it– his semi-hard erection brushes against your leg as you attempt to move it out from between his thighs. 

"Oh," is suddenly all you can manage to say. Is Changbin attracted to you..? Is that why for months he's slowly but surely become so different in your presence? When you look back to him, he's covered his face with his hands over his glasses, his pouty bottom lip quivering in what you can only assume to be mortification over his body betraying him. 

The question now is, is this simply a physical reaction to being close or something more than that? Would it happen to him no matter who was pressed against him, or is it you in particular that causes his body to react this way? You won't know until he tells you, but you hope more than anything he wants you as much as you've always wanted him.

The idea that he may view you romantically is not something you ever allowed yourself to consider a possibility, but oh, how you've wanted it. Changbin has always been perfect to you; a gentleman in all aspects, attentive, considerate, thoughtful, your very best friend. You always thought you'd be lucky if someone like him were to love you, and you always held your partners to the standard he showed you. 

You thought that even if you couldn't have Changbin, you could at least have someone like him; and while no one ever made you feel the way he does, disappointing you in one way or another, you still tried. Perhaps it was unfair, as no one can compare to Changbin, but if he wants you then you'll take him in a heartbeat, no questions asked. Even when it wasn't entirely conscious to you, your heart has always belonged to him. 

He flinches when you call his name again; your tone is soft, but he's still afraid to meet your gaze and discover what kind of expression is on your face. He thinks he'll die if he sees anything even remotely resembling disgust or anger. He cares about you so much, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if you lost your trust in him because of this. 

You reach for his hands, and despite his nerves threatening to eat him alive for perhaps the first time in his life, he lets you take his hands away from his face. The apprehension in his eyes is clear, though there's a flash of relief when he can see that you're not upset with him. "I'm sorry, really," he blurts out quickly, feeling like he should apologize even if you aren't going to chastise him for getting hard simply from being close to you. 

“Does this happen a lot when we..?” you ask, watching as his blush spreads down his neck while he hesitantly nods. You’ve never seen him so red and shy before– and honestly, you like it. You’ve always considered Changbin to be cute, but this is cute on an entirely different level; you hope this won’t be the only time you get to see him this way. But before that can happen, you have a more pressing question to ask him.

"Do you want me to help you?" is the next question to leave you, and fucking hell, does that send him reeling. He can’t believe this is really happening, that you’re even asking him so casually. And while it isn’t the way he pictured something happening between you after his many months of pining, he could never say no to you– he's been obsessively thinking about you all this time, how could he say anything but yes?

Still, he hesitates regardless; not because he's unsure about continuing, or because he doesn't want to, but because what if it means different things for the two of you? For Changbin, it'd be everything. You're the only person he's ever liked this much, he might even be in love with you, and he doesn't think he'd be able to recover from having a casual fling with you. He'd never be able to go back to before and pretend he doesn't feel as much for you as he does.

"If you say no, we can pretend this never happened," you assure him when you see the nervous hesitance in his eyes. It's not what you'd want to hear, but he deserves to be offered an out if he needs it; because as much as you want him, you don't want him to feel stuck and uncomfortable. And then you continue, hoping more than anything that he shares the sentiment of your next words, "But I think you should know, I really like you, Binnie. And I'll be really happy if you say yes." 

With your admission, all his doubts and fears are cleared in an instant. Really, that's all he needed to hear to be sure what he plans to say next is the right thing to say to you. It's not how he ever intended to ask you this question, but he’d never dream of passing up the opportunity presented to him– the opportunity to be yours, and for you to be his in turn. "If I say yes, will you be my girlfriend?"

He’s smiling, sweet and cute as he asks, and it makes you smile too– because this is much more like the Changbin you know and love. He giggles when you accept, and as the word "boyfriend" leaves you in reference to him, absolutely giddy to finally be yours. Maybe this is better than the way he always pictured it would happen; because this is more organically you, what is more natural to your dynamic and the care you have for each other.

Leaning down, you softly press your lips to his, and even just a gesture so small is enough to spread goosebumps over his skin. It's so soft, slow, every sensation lingering even as you pull away to take a breath before kissing him again. No kiss he's ever had before compares to how it feels to kiss you; he doesn't think he's ever felt as positively electric as he does right now.

Is it normal for every touch of your lips to make him tremble so much? And his heart is already beating so fast, thumping loudly against his chest with each additional kiss and tracing touch of your fingers over his body. Down his arms, over his chest, underneath his shirt and across his stomach– all of it adds to the sparks in his veins. 

His hands explore you too– eager, and a bit clumsy, but you find his enthusiasm infectious. He's so perfectly warm and soft, and you can't resist the urge to squeeze him in your hands– his soft tummy, his love handles, his defined pecs; you squeeze everywhere your hands can reach. Changbin lets out a soft, surprised squeak the first time, but he quickly grows used to it, and finds himself mimicking the way you touch him. 

He starts with the leg not tucked between his thighs, hand trailing up and down the length of it before he squeezes. Then he moves on to your hips before traveling to your backside, then your waist, and finally your breasts. Even just feeling them over your clothes excites him beyond words, eager and happy to be touching you like he's dreamed of so many times before.

He likes the pleased hums and sighs you let out almost more than he likes the act of squeezing you in his palms, each sound just as pretty and soft as you are. He shivers when he feels your tongue swipe across his bottom lip, and he eagerly parts his lips for you. Your tongue slipping inside his mouth and swirling around his own makes him practically vibrate with desire for more.

Changbin follows you when you start to pull away from the kiss, eyes remaining closed for several seconds before he finally opens them to look at you. His pretty lips, still wet and parted, turn into a pout when you've gone further than he can still reach. His pout vanishes, however, when you start to pull up your shirt, and it makes you giggle; he really is just so cute. 

You weren't wearing a bra beneath your shirt– you never do when you're relaxing before going to bed, even at Changbin's place. You always felt comfortable enough around him that you didn't feel like you had to sacrifice your comfort during your sleepovers, assured in the fact that he'd always be respectful towards you even if he happened to notice.

And while you're comfortable and confident, there's still a certain tinge of nervousness that bubbles up in the back of your mind that comes from being exposed to his eyes now. Tits are pretty– doesn't matter who they're on, or what shape they're in, they always look good; but it's almost funny how simply showing them to the person you like so much makes you nervous regardless of this fact.

You're not ashamed to say you've slept with a lot of people, and that a majority of said people have seen you completely bare– but there's none you've ever liked quite as much or in the same way that you like Changbin. It makes it more intimate somehow, so real, and you suppose that's the part that makes you nervous.

But oh, how his gaze fills your stomach with butterflies– because you don't think anyone's ever looked at you the way he is right now, with eyes sparkling in awe as he takes the sight of you in. He looks at you with pure wonder and adoration, in a way that is as sweet as it is full of lust and desire.

In his eyes, you may as well be one of the 7 wonders of the world– something worthy of reverence and worship. He'd do it if you'd let him– worship you until the sky itself falls and everything around the two of you crumbles. He'll show you in any way he can, with every kiss and every touch, that you always have been and always will be the only one for him.

"Can– Can I touch them? Please?" he asks, polite, sweet, and full of hope that you won't deny him. It's a little funny, considering how just moments ago he was touching you all over– but it's sweet too, how considerate he's trying to be now that you're bare before him despite how eager and worked up he is.

And really, you'd never dream of denying him anything– but you do have a request of your own to make too. "If you take your shirt off for me first," you tell him, fingers ghosting over his torso, "I want to touch you too, want to see every inch of you."

"Oh," he blinks, his cock that has been semi-hard for the better part of an hour stiffening more as it twitches in response to your words. "Yeah– yeah, of course, want you to touch me too," he finally breathes, wasting no time in lifting his back off the bed to pull his shirt up and over his head.

You giggle at the urgency in which he gets his shirt off, and he smiles back at you when he falls back against the bed. He knows he's eager and excitable, and he has no shame in showing it– he's wanted you way too much and for way too long to act like this is just a typical Saturday night for him.

Even if he makes a fool of himself, he'll be happy and it'll be worth it– because it's you he's doing it for, doing it with, and that's all he's ever needed. "You're so cute, Binnie," you tell him, and he smiles brighter, cutely scrunching his nose that way you love so much, and does whenever he's truly happy.

His hands reach for you first, cupping your breasts with an adorable pout of concentration and determination on his face. He's careful with his squeezes, well aware of how strong his grip can be and not wanting at all to hurt you. He rubs over your nipples with his thumbs, and then between his fingers, licking his lips as he watches them get hard enough to gently roll them.

He looks to you for approval, blinking up at you with hope for praise and affirmation that you like it, that he's doing it right. It makes you want to coo at him– but you resist, and simply reach your hand to his cheek, stroking it with your thumb as you instruct him to keep going. He all but melts into your touch, nuzzling his cheek into your palm and closing his eyes for just a moment to relish in it before he continues.

Changbin sticks his tongue out next, watching you carefully as he brings it to one of your pebbled nipples. You meet him halfway so he doesn't have to strain his neck from lifting it off the pillow, leaning closer to his face as you move your hand to thread your fingers through his curls.

His eyes stay on you as he alternates between where he licks, one of his hands always playing with the nipple that his mouth isn't giving attention to. The moan you let out when he sucks one into his mouth makes his cock throb, and truly, he's never felt as blessed as he does right now, with one of his many fantasies finally becoming a reality.

Still, he's thirsty for more– he wants to feel you everywhere, to hear your pretty voice sing him praises, to become so absorbed in each other's pleasure that everything else in the world fall away. He wants to envelop you with his body, he wants your touch to consume him, he wants you to both be equally messy and dirty and engrossed in bliss.

"Touch me now, please, anywhere, want you to," he pleads after releasing your nipple from his mouth with a small pop. His face is flushed the prettiest shade of pink, dark eyes soft and pleading behind his glasses, lips wet and hair a mess– you don't think you've ever seen anything more perfect and alluring than this.

It makes you want to dote on him, and you'll do just that– especially if it's something he wants as badly as you. "Anything for you," you oblige, giving him a quick, sweet peck to the top of his head before your hands are once again traveling over his body. You scoot down just enough to be able to reach his neck, pressing kisses beneath his ear before trailing them down.

Changbin intended to keep playing with your chest as you touched him, but he quickly loses focus, sucking in a breath and eyes fluttering closed as your tongue presses against his sweet spot. It's almost overwhelming for him– your hands squeezing the thick muscle of his arms and pecs while you tongue dotes on him, body squirming when your teeth lightly graze over the sensitive skin near his pulse point.

Similar to when you first squeezed him in your hands earlier, another squeak of surprise escapes him when you brush your thumbs over his exposed nipples– you guess no one's ever done that to him before. You hesitate a moment before repeating the action, wanting first to make sure it's something he's open to experiencing again. He's biting his lip and looking at you not with apprehension like you half expected to see, but curiosity and excitement.

So you do it again, and he gasps, back arching off the bed as his teeth sink further into his bottom lip. Fuck, he never thought he'd be so sensitive there– and he whines from deep in his throat when you comment on it. "You're so sensitive, Bin," you whisper in near awe, and he's half tempted to cover his mouth with his hand to suppress the moan you threaten to bring out of him with your soft fingers.

His cock is the hardest he thinks it's possibly ever been. You can feel it prodding against your thigh, and poor Changbin, he's so worked up and eager for stimulation that he can't help but grind it against you as you continue to rub his nipples between your fingers. In a different scenario, it'd be the bed or his own hand he'd be helplessly rutting against– but your thigh is all he has access to.

It makes him feel positively dirty, naughty, but he can't stop– even when the friction from the fabric of his clothes overwhelms him, his hips don't stop moving against you. You look down between your bodies, watch the wet patch on his pants grow as he continues to rut against your thigh.

You want to take one of his nipples into your mouth, but you don't want him to lose the friction against you– so you bend carefully, conscious of keeping your leg pressed against him between his thighs as you wrap your lips around the nipple easiest for you to reach. He whimpers– a high pitched sound you never expected to hear from him as you swirl your tongue around his hardened nipple.

"Fuck, oh fuck, oh my god–" Changbin whines, bringing up his hands to once again cover his heated face. It's so embarrassing– how good it feels, how loud he's being, how he just can't seem to stop himself from seeking the delicious friction your thigh provides him. Overwhelming too, how close he is to cumming already, his body taut and high strung.

His hips begin to stutter, sweat steadily building on his brow, his stomach clenching as he tries his best to hold back the inevitable. "Are you close, Binnie? Gonna cum just like this?" you release his nipple from your mouth to ask him sweetly. Against your expectations, he quickly shakes his head– as if fighting against himself before he lowers his hands and looks at you with glassy eyes.

"Don't– don't want to," he tells you after another obscene whine, "wanna fuck you first, don't wanna cum until I fuck you." The way he looks at you as he says it makes your heart jolt and stomach twist. Messy hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, pouty bottom lip swollen and red, eyes pleading and desperate.

God, he's fucking cute– positively delectable. You'll have to save eating him for next time, though; right now, you just want to give him everything he asks for. "You want to fuck me?" you ask him, reaching your hand down to dip under the waistband of his pants and underwear. It's sticky and wet, pre-cum smeared all over the inside of the fabric.

He keens, nodding eagerly as he squirms beneath the touch of your soft, warm hand. It's such a contrast from the prior sensation, but just as equally overwhelming. You stroke him slowly; just enough to keep him worked up, but not enough to make him cum. His eyes are fluttering closed, hands twisting the sheets beneath him, hips jolting up to meet your strokes.

"You're so thick, Binnie," you tell him, and he throbs from the compliment, whining almost helplessly. It's true too– you're not just saying it to make him feel good. It's not the longest you've ever held, but it's definitely the thickest– you can't even wrap your hand entirely around it. "Think you can help me get ready to take it?" you ask, needing to suppress the urge to giggle when he enthusiastically nods.

"Anything! I'll do anything for you, anything you need," he babbles, and you thank him with a sweet kiss that he happily returns. He whines when you stop touching him and pry yourself away, hips chasing your touch even though he's the one who wanted you to stop– his body just can't help it.

He watches breathlessly as you stand from the bed, sliding your thumbs into the waistband of your pajamas and slowly pulling them down along with your panties. He decides to follow your lead, scrambling to lift himself from the bed and pull the rest of his clothes off in one quick motion.

Both bare, you take a moment to stare at one another. You get a better view of Changbin's drooling cock, while he finally gets a glimpse at your pussy– and fuck, is it the prettiest thing he's ever seen. How did he get so fucking lucky?

You come back to the bed, and instead of letting you crawl back on top of him, Changbin gently guides you to the side of him and onto your back. You spread your legs for him once you're comfortable, and he props himself up on his elbow, looking down at your body, so gorgeous and perfect.

He isn't well practiced, so he mimics the actions taken in one of his favorite, more intimate porn videos. He starts with kissing you, slow but messy, his tongue exploring every inch of your mouth. His hand travels down the length of your torso, and he can't help but gasp and break away from the kiss when he reaches your core, and your arousal coats his fingers.

"Oh my god, do you– do you always get this wet?" he asks, almost mesmerized by how effortlessly his fingers glide between your folds. "Only for you," you answer; you don't know if he believes it, but it's true. The only other times you've ever gotten this soaked were in the privacy of your bedroom, when you touched yourself with Changbin's image at the forefront of your imagination.

He continues to rub his fingers up and down between your folds until his fingers are completely coated, and only then does he finally ask, "Can I.. is- is it okay to put my fingers inside?" He blushes when you smile at him and nod, spreading your legs further apart while telling him exactly what he wants to hear. "Yeah, please, I want you to."

He presses the tips of his fingers to your hole before he slowly pushes one inside, watching in breathlessly awe as it disappears inside your warm, wet heat. You're so slick that it slides in and out easily, and soon enough you're instructing him to add another, and then one more, to which he easily obliges.

He can't decide where he wants to look more; between your legs, where his fingers thrust steadily in and out of you, or to your face, beautifully contorted in pleasure– so he ends up alternating between both. "Is this– is it good for you?" he asks the next time he looks at your face, desperate to perform well for you.

If there's anything he can do better, anything he needs to do differently, he needs to know– he'll follow any instruction you give him in a heartbeat. "Your fingers– when they're all the way inside, can you curl them for me, please?" you ask, and he's immediately doing exactly as you tell him, curling his fingers right against your sweet spot.

"Like this?" he asks, sliding his fingers out and quickly pushing them back inside, curling them to hit your spot, and then pulling them back out to repeat the motion. You let out whines and breathless moans, voice quickly growing shakier and shakier as you try to keep talking him through it.

"Y-Yeah, just like that, keep– keep going just like that," you tell him, voice unsteady between your whimpers and moans, but it's easily the prettiest sounds Changbin's ever heard– he just knows he'll become addicted to them.

He's addicted to everything about you, really– all of it is so captivating. The sounds you cry out, as well as the ones coming from between your legs as his fingers thrust in and out of you. He's mesmerized by how your thighs tremble and twitch when he picks up his pace, by the rapid rise and fall of your chest, by the way your eyes roll back as he drives you closer to sweet release.

"Bin, Binnie– 'm so close, just need– need a little more," you tell him between quick, shaky breaths. "Tell me," Changbin requests, slowing down the motion of his fingers just enough for you to be able to speak with more ease, "tell me what you need."

"Here, touch me here," you instruct, reaching your hand down to point him to your puffy, neglected clit. "With your thumb," you add after you show him, and he nods, pressing his thumb to your clit as he resumes the previous, quick motion of his fingers inside you.

He can feel you clench tighter around his fingers, while the sounds that escape you soon pick up in volume. Your thighs squeeze together and limit the motion of his hand, so he sticks to simply curling his fingers while rubbing your clit with his thumb. It only takes a few more strokes of his thumb to have your back arching off the bed, his name coming out in a choked sob.

Changbin doesn't slip his fingers out of you right away, instead keeping them inside until your breathing starts to steady and your thighs relax. "Was it.. did I do okay?" he asks after you've caught your breath, and God, the way you smile at him– he's sure he's never seen anything more radiant.

"You were perfect," you answer, leaning up to wrap your arms around him and pull him into a kiss. "So perfect, felt so good," you continue between pressing kisses to his lips, "want you now." A shiver is sent straight down his spine; is this finally, really going to happen after so many nights spent hoping for it? “Do you have protection?” you ask after pulling away, and he pouts as he considers it.

He did have some, but.. how long has it been since the last time he had sex? He’s not confident he even remembers where he put them last; it hasn’t really been something pressing on his mind considering he discovered casual flings weren’t really his thing, and he thought the only person he wanted to have sex with, you, was unavailable.

“Uh, I think so! ..maybe?” he mumbles as he crawls over to his nightstand and starts haphazardly shoving things aside while searching through it. You giggle as you sit up and crawl over yourself, deciding to help him look for one in his messy drawer. “Ah, there’s one!” you point to where you see the corner of a packet sticking out from under the book you’re pretty sure he’s been reading on and off for like, 6 months now. 

“Thank God,” you hear him mutter under his breath as he lifts the book up to grab it, and you giggle again; you don’t think there’ll ever be a time you don’t find him endlessly adorable. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn’t have one, of course, as you usually carried around spares in your bag, but there was something really endearing about his urgency to find one.

He’s pretty sure that the condoms expiration date hasn’t passed, but he still checks first regardless– better to be safe than sorry, and all. “All good?” you ask as you watch him check it over, and smile when he crawls back to you and plants a giddy kiss to your lips.

“Yep! All good,” he smiles, settling himself between your legs after you rest back against the bed. He’s honestly pretty nervous, but his joy to be with someone he loves so much does wonders for distracting his brain from the fear of not performing to some imaginary standard of perfection in bed.

Changbin stops when it’s time to open the condom, staring at it for a moment as if considering what to do. You’re about to ask him if he needs help, but he ends up speaking again before you can. “Uh, I know tearing it open with my teeth is sexy or whatever, but I think I’d fuck it up so I’m not gonna do that,” he says, and you can’t help but laugh. Your silly boy. 

“Don’t worry, you’re already plenty sexy without doing stuff like that,” you tell him. “Am I?” he asks, another cute smile spreading on his lips when you nod, and confirm that he’s very sexy. Cute too, you tell him, easily the cutest person in the whole world. And his eyes crinkle and nose scrunches in the way you love again as he giggles. 

What amazing duality your boyfriend has; so strong and intimidating in physique, but with the softest, sweetest personality you’ve ever known anyone to have. He’s so perfect. 

He rips open the packet with his hands, and the condom slips from his fingers when he first pulls it out, but he thankfully manages to catch it before it falls on you, or the bed. "My bad," he says with a shy, slightly awkward laugh; maybe he's more nervous than he initially thought.

He's suddenly extremely conscious of how fast his heart is beating, and of the tremble in his hands. "Want me to help?" you ask, smiling at him sweetly when he timidly nods. "Ah, yeah, if you don't mind," he mutters, and you quickly sit back up, placing your hands over his.

"Keep this one here," you instruct as you bring his hand to the base of his cock to hold in place and keep still. "And then we're gonna roll it down, like this," you guide the hand holding the condom to the tip of his cock, helping him spread it smoothly down his length with your fingers atop his.

If it were anyone else, he might feel embarrassed or a little ashamed over needing help, and for needing to be guided like this with something he feels most guys his age already have perfected. But with you, it just feels sweet and intimate; he can tell there's no judgment, and you're not going to make fun of him for not quite knowing how best to do things.

He's safe with you. And he's glad that out of all the billions of people in the world that he could've met, befriended, and then fallen in love with, that it was you.

You lay back against the bed after Changbin thanks you for your help with a kiss, but you notice he still looks nervous, so you hold up your hand to offer it to him. He smiles as he takes it in his, and you give him a reassuring squeeze after he intertwines his fingers with yours. He uses his other hand to align himself with your hole, and takes a breath before starting to finally push himself inside.

You both squeeze each other’s hand; Changbin because fuck, it already feels so good even with just the tip inside, and you because even with 3 of his fingers prepping you for his cock, it’s still a stretch. He’s pushing inside slowly, and it’s thankfully to both your benefit– because he’d definitely cum if he didn’t, and you’re sure there’d be a sting if he pushed it all in at once.

He whimpers as he bottoms out, his hand still squeezing yours as he tries desperately to ground himself. “God, you feel so good, can’t– can’t believe how tight you are, oh my god,” he whines, absolutely sure that if it wasn’t for the condom he would’ve cum from the very moment he felt your walls squeezing around him.

“You’re big,” you reply breathlessly, reaching your free hand up to the back of his neck to pull him down, closer to you, “so fucking big, feel so full.” “Fuck, don’t say that, I’ll cum–” he groans, and you can feel his cock twitch and throb, as if it to confirm to you he means it. A kiss is the only apology you offer now that his lips are in reach of yours, and he lets go of your hand to prop himself up on his elbows.

He rests his forehead against yours when he pulls away, and slowly, he starts to pull out. “Gonna– gonna fuck you now,” he breathes, pulling out almost completely before slowly pushing back inside, “gonna, oh– fuck, gonna make you feel good too, promise.” You bite your lip, muffling a whine as he continues to build his slow, but steady pace. You don’t think you’ve ever been fucked slowly by anyone, but fuck, it feels good.

You hold his face in your hands, kissing him deep and messy, with your tongue shoved as far into his mouth as it’ll go. You’re both panting by the time one of you pulls away, and oh, when he looks at you– his heart feels like it could stop right then and there. You’re so beautiful, he’s so in love with you, and the way you look at him so full of tenderness and adoration makes his head spin. 

He buries his head into your neck as he starts to fuck you faster, genuinely afraid that he’ll cry if he looks in your eyes any longer. You wrap your arms around him, clinging to his body as you start to roll your hips to meet his thrusts and help him to hit your spot. He moans your name, one of his hands snaking underneath your body to pull you even closer.

You’re pressed to him, chest to chest, bodies hot and sweaty. His face feels unbearably hot, and when he lifts his face from your neck, the lenses of his glasses have almost completely fogged over. “Bin, oh my goodness,” you giggle as you reach up to take his glasses off for him, and he giggles too, though it’s quickly cut off by another moan. 

It’s easy to tell that he’s getting close, and it really comes as no surprise– he’s been so hard for so long now, and he purposely staved off his orgasm just for this moment. His thrusts become more desperate, the throbbing of his cock more constant as he squeezes and holds you tighter. His pace isn’t perfect and his thrusts aren’t precise enough, he knows, but he hopes he’s still doing well enough to at least uphold his promise to make you feel just as good as he does. 

He can feel you trying to snake your dominant hand between your bodies, and he pulls away from you enough to make it easier for you once he realizes what you’re trying to do. He tries to watch, but the very moment your fingers start to rub your clit, you clench around him and it makes his eyes roll back as he moans. 

Changbin whimpers when you moan his name, hips stuttering and thrusts becoming erratic. “C-Close, oh my god, ‘m so close,” he whines, begrudgingly letting you go so he can dig his fingers into the mattress instead so he doesn’t accidentally hurt you. His knuckles quickly turn white, and though it makes him emotional to do, he looks you in the eye.

It’s now that it really sets in just how much Changbin cares about you. There’s no one else he’d ever do this with, no one in the world he wants more than he wants you, and you can see it in the way he looks down at you. His furrowed brows and watery eyes, his bottom lip that trembles, the desperate, almost pathetic cries of your name. He lets you see his most vulnerable self, because he trusts you and loves you. 

You reach to his face, cupping his face in your hand to guide him down to you. He thinks you’re going to kiss him, and you are close enough to, as he's able to feel your breath against his lips. But you don’t– instead you whisper words that make his world tilt on its axis, a loud, desperate moan escaping from deep in his chest as he cums.

"I love you.”

He fills the condom with long, thick and sticky spurts, his entire body trembling. In turn, it only takes a few more strokes of your fingers to cum again, your eyes rolling back as the white hot pleasure licks over every inch of your skin. Changbin collapses first, careful to fall in a way that won’t completely smother you beneath him. 

He pulls out slowly after he catches his breath, and then carefully removes the condom from his softening length. He leans over your body to toss it in the trash bin near his bed before he falls back down next to you, and wraps an arm around you to pull you closer. You end up in the same cuddling position you were in at the start of the night, with Changbin half on his back, and you with an arm thrown over his body and leg tucked between his.

You’re naked this time, there’s an “Are you still there?” pop up on the tv that’s since gone ignored, and you told Changbin you love him. So it’s better, he thinks; everything about where you are now is better. “I love you too,” he finally says, and you giggle, scooching up so you can kiss him. “Took you long enough to say it back,” you say, and he giggles too, happy beyond words to finally have everything he’s ever wished for.

network tags: @skzstarnet @ksmutsociety

[potahun]

Mysterious Lotus Casebook and the Analogies to Being Queer

this is not breaking new grounds or anything, there seems to be broad consensus in the (tumblr) fandom that LHL is a lot about being queer. there is also this brilliant meta by @seventh-fantasy about the jianghu being a queer space, which i love, and which dealt with the gender perspective for li lianhua in particular

having that in mind, i want to say how much i love that li lianhua and fang duobing's stories feel like analogies to two different queer experiences

we see li xiangyi in a few flashbacks and in how others viewed him before the east sea battle 10 years ago. we know he became the n°1 swordsman in the world, established a para-judiciary system and order in an otherwise lawless jianghu, that he used to duel just to win the right to pick flowers from someone's garden as gifts for every single lady in the sigu sect, and that he dated qiao wanmian and intended to marry her (judging by that flashback where he's seen drinking with shan gudao and the boys)

a lot of it is very heteronormative, and even a bit performative. and i don't want to say it's not genuine, i actually rly like the idea that many of those actions felt perfectly real to him at the time, and i genuinely think he had that show-off streak in him when he was a teenager

but regardless, everything about li xiangyi follows the heteronormative expectations of society, including his achievements, which command, among other things, admiration for his fighting prowess and his ability to establish rules. which is of course, ironic, as pointed out in the meta referenced above, since the jianghu itself does not follow those rules (and we slowly learn in the story that there was criticism of him for this even in-story).

but then we get to li lianhua, who does not fight, but cooks, learned to sew, to plant flowers, turns down every lady who looks his way, and who does not interfere in jiang hu matters if he can help it. and in particular, we get the conversation he has with qiao wanmian in ep 18, where she confronts him about his identity and asks him:

"if you'd already come back, why did you never reunite with us?"

and his reply is:

"all of this is so far in the past, now. i'm very tired. i just want to be free."

li lianhua is constantly put in contrast with li xiangyi. where li xiangyi performs, li lianhua just exists in the jianghu. where li xiangyi fulfils expectations and surpasses them, li lianhua turns his back to expectations. where li xiangyi establishes a domain and protects, li lianhua wanders freely, all by himself. where li xiangyi conforms to heteronormative standards, li lianhua doesn't.

we know that li lianhua is an unreliable narrator in that his opinion on his own past is biased, his knowledge incomplete. and he lies. almost compulsively. but there are also truth bombs that he drops between the lies. i personally believe that his willingness to detach himself from all the expectations thrown upon him and to finally exist away from norms, is part of those truths.

and this is very close to a type of queer experience, where you come out of some event or another in your twenties, suddenly realise you're queer and oh my god, it's time to live differently. and you start rejecting the norms and maybe your old friends wonder what got into you.

in the same conversation in ep 18, the following exchange happens between li lianhua and qiao wanmian:

LLH: "when we met each other, I was young and ignorant. I didn't understand what the feelings i felt for you were, either." QWM: "what do you mean? are you saying... you never loved me?" LLH: "back then, we were young. nothing of what we said then can still count now."

it can be interpreted in different ways, but it sure fits a queer narrative extremely well. the feelings were real, but he didn't understand whether they were romantic or not, he just followed the norms. but things are different now.

enters fang duobing

fang duobing feels like a different queer narrative. by family background, fang duobing is a person who has equal ties to the imperial court as he does to the jiang hu. the emperor and his family wants to engage him to the princess of the court, a perfectly normal thing in the societal context he lives in, and a luck few can hope to have. what does he do?

flee

i often joke that fang duobing's sexuality is to be a detective on the jianghu, but it really does feel like that kind of narrative. fang duobing never has any doubt that his place is away from the rules of the imperial court. In ep. 1, he tells his servants:

don't worry. once your young master makes a name for himself as a renown detective on the jianghu, they {his parents} will understand that, compared to the imperial court, i am much more suited for the jiang hu.

and yes, this is about escaping the rigidity of the court as such, but it's also analogous for the freedom to be who you are, to be queer, to not conform.

and fang duobing never backtracks. his parents want him to conform, and they want him to have the comfort that comes with this lifestyle. he rejects it thoroughly and consistently.

it's also interesting that in ep 25, once they meet the princess and they have gone through a case together, fang duobing still rejects the idea of the wedding. when li lianhua tells him "the jianghu is a place full of grudges and sinister schemes. why not become a carefree consort prince?"

fang duobing only looks forlorn and retorts "li lianhua, can you never say that again, please?"

in contrast, though, he has no qualms planning his whole life on the jianghu with li lianhua in ep. 15. so this is not about settling down with someone.

it feels very close to being confidently queer and knowing it from a very early age, and then rejecting the heteronormative expectations thrown upon you with assurance.

...

anyway, so what i want to say is: li lianhua is a tired millenial who discovered he was queer in his mid-twenties after a mild depression; fang duobing is a gen-z baby queer who doesn't know his queer history but is so confidently queer and he's never looking back

[usimp4women]

You Deserve It.

Pairing; Soft!Dark! Lady Lesso (Dean of The School for Evil) X Reader

WordCount; 1445 words, 8418 characters.

Warnings; Degrading kink, Jealousy, Slight NSFW, Mentions of adult content, and brief murder, but NO smut, unfortunately.

Summary; You decided to conduct an experiment to test the Dean's patience after pushing you away.

Note; Are you prepared for what's about to come up? I created this with some inspiration from The Stanley Parable. I trust you all enjoy a Dark! Lady Lesso as much as I do.

+++++

You've been in a relationship with the intimidating redhead for quite a while, and although it was all very engaging, things are beginning to spiral out of control.

The woman was receiving a massive amount of paperwork, while you were begging her to take an extended break since it was already the middle of the night, and you couldn't fall asleep without her laying beside you.

However, the Dean only shrugged dismissively, and gave you strict orders not to interrupt her while she was working.

She seemed a tad bit guilty, but she knew better and intended to complete all those documentation by tomorrow. You weren't used to how she would become so immersed in her occupation that she'd grow unaware of her surroundings.

Because of her position, the woman occasionally neglected to take care of herself. She obviously didn't even realize that you've been ignored by her for the whole day, which absolutely upsets you beyond belief.

You paused for a moment while standing anxiously behind the office door to consider your actions. As your fist finally came in contact with the door to knock upon it, you exhaled.

After repeatedly knocking twice, you heard a subtle, delicate voice saying, "Come in." as you twisted the doorknob, and slid through.

Once you entered the workplace, you began to wander around the scene. You heaved another long breath, shook your head, and proceeded slowly in the direction of the Dean, who’s been eminently preoccupied with her paperwork.

"Is something wrong, darling?" She doesn't peer up to you, waiting for your appropriate response.

"Aren't you done yet?"

"Not at all."

"How more will it take?"

"Why do you care?"

...

You certainly didn't expect that.

You whispered, apprehensive goosebumps flowing through your spine, “Could you just consider joining me in bed, please? You know I don't like sleeping alone, and it's already past two in the morning, you ought to be asleep by now." Lesso takes a moment before angling her chin straight toward you.

"I can't; I need to accomplish my pile of fillings before daylight. Try to understand, I don't have time for that."

You remained there for a while, considering alternative approaches to persuade her so that she wouldn't develop periorbital dark circles underneath her eyes the following day.

You calmly extended your hand to grasp her arm, murmuring. "I beg you." she glances at you with a deep breath and arose from her chair.

"Only for you, princess."

—

It's still the proceeding day, and somehow, you woke up at 6 AM in the morning. You became aware that there was a certain missing figure in the vicinity of where you were lying in bed.

"Aren't her lessons supposed to start at 11 AM?" You mumbled in questioning.

You grumbled in exasperation as you rolled your eyes.

You got up, rapidly speed-walking towards the woman's office. Quickly observing how her eyes entirely widen as soon as she noticed your distressing condition in front of her office.

"My love, allow me to explain—"

"No, there's no need. I simply wanted to make sure whether you were okay." You lied, slamming the door shut behind you while firmly grasping the door knob.

You didn't appreciate how she had this effect on you. You, yourself attempted to comprehend her duty but you just can't help yourself. You simply didn't enjoy being neglected.

Fine, "Two can play that game."

You settled to form a tiny, ‘uncomplicated’ experiment in order to test out the lady’s tolerance.

You would really like to find out, and examine how she would react if the roles are reversed, so you intend to ignore her throughout the day.

Sincerely, I believe you'd already assumed how she would behave, but you still desire to find out exactly, all right?

You proceed to develop and discuss your busy schedules, engaging in significantly more effort than your ordinary routine. You grinned to yourself, although you did contemplate whether perhaps you were going way too far off the track..

But besides, it's only good for today, so I'm positive it won't impact an effect, you thought.

You began with meal preparation, donning an apron, and gathering the necessary ingredients.

It had already been midway through cooking the morning meal until you felt confident, authoritative arms slithering their way around your waistline. You felt her planting her chin on your shoulder with a hum.

You instinctively reddened at the unexpected interaction. You could scent her alluring fragrance, but you maintained your ground considering that you were still performing your test run.

She tilts her head so her mouth is right next to your ear, whispering, "Now, now. Don't be frantic, beloved." Her breath brushed across your skin, causing your throat to instantly hitch and your back to be slightly arched.

Lesso only snickered seductively, mindfully recognizing how her power engulfs your soul.

As you hastily withdrew from her hold, you applied the last finishing touch to her dish. You quickly settled her meal on the dining room table, then made your way to the main hall.

"Uh, uh, you're not going anywhere, princess."

She catches a grasp of your wrist with her fingers and begins pulling you back towards the place she was situated at the dining table, forcing you to submit and sit obediently on her lap.

Oh, god. You had no idea the gag would be this difficult, you thought.

She continues to eat her breakfast, while you attempt and struggle to wriggle loose of her hold. You realized this was not intended to happen.

The woman's secure upon you was much more formidable than you could have ever anticipated; it merely shoved you down onto her lap, and you were on the point of surrendering your persona, but you were stubborn, and simply couldn't.

So you just let her keep you closely against her lap. You would scowl and divert your eyes away from anything but her whilst she devours.

You writhed in hopeless protest, as she chewed her food in silence. She solely shrugged, not bothering to acknowledge.

—

You eventually stood once she finished eating and hastily stepped away from her lap—

"Where are you going?"

"Uhm— to, you know, meet Hort."

She cast a threatening glare your way. "Hort? Why would you meet up with him?" You frowned, but knowing perfectly well how it would make her furious.

"Aren't you fed up with your paperwork? You don't dictate what I do, Lesso. Just go and have a date with your dumb career and stay out of my way."

"Whatever do you mean? I value my position, I enlighten my students, and I educate them—"

"Indeed, training them in being evil and villainous."

“Reader, don't start with me."

"I act as I please."

The woman arose from her seat and walked towards you at full speed. In shock and terror, you primarily backed yourself up until your body was wedged between the wall and the Dean's appealing body. She entraps you by slamming her palm on the side of your head, her fingers on your exposed waist.

“You wanna know why I've been so drained of energy lately? I yearn for your touch. I desire you, more and more with every passing minute goes by. You.. burned my heart, but I still won't give up on you, doll.”

"You want to do me wrong, Professor? I won't let you."

She chuckles amusingly at your response, locking your wrists together over your head with one hand. “You genuinely think you have the higher ground, do you? You believe Hort pleases your body the same way I do? Tell me this, princess. Does he fuck you like I do?”

"Lesso.."

"Shh, Shh, Shh."

She inserts her knee between your legs and glides it up sensually, in close proximity to your private area.

"How pathetic, and helpless you truly are before me.

I mean look at you, buckling your knees, and giving your attention all to me. This is power, sweetheart.

I am immune to the results of your foolish, mischievous acts because I am far more knowledgeable than you can ever comprehend.” She elevates your chin up with ease by stroking her index finger from your waist to your jawline with less effort.

"Do you have any idea of what your purpose in this place is?" She wickedly laughs uncontrollably.

“Darling…

You're in for quite a disappointment.

You're only still staying here with me instead of leaving because I wanna watch you for every moment that you're powerless.

To see you made humble.

This is not a challenge, it's a tragedy.

You wanted to go and visit Hort? That's fine.

But I'm going to kill him first,

So.

You.

Can't."

[bleue-flora]

Welp speaking of plans, thanks to @dr3amofagame’s post [here] with related linked posts, I can’t help but find myself once again thinking about staged duo’s Plan. And I’m not really sure I have any great theories on the matter, as has been pointed out it’s very hard to weed through the lies and truth of what staged duo said on their stage after all.

Having said that though, something I do find interesting is that clingy duo seem to interpret the immorality as never growing old and living forever, but given what we know about the resets, I wonder if it’s more about wanting to finish this cycle. Whether it’s less live forever and more live life with my friends till I grow old without it being cut short prematurely. “I don’t want this is be temporary” -> I don’t want to die and it be permanent - but maybe it’s not death in respect to canon lives (since that “doesn’t matter”) but perhaps the ultimate death via the reset that perhaps Dream and Punz discovered in their research. Maybe it wasn’t about being immortal as we think of it, but about being able to live this lifetime to completion.

On one hand, if their goal was always to have one big family again, presumably then maybe they wanted the reset. They were so relaxed because they knew it didn’t matter in the end because the world was being reset and maybe they had made peace with that - that things could be simple again. On the other hand, maybe it wasn’t just about any family but to be with the friends they love and care about without wars and conflict dividing them. In either case, I don’t think they really caused the reset. Like dr3 is right, Foolish’s death toll, the Egg and stuff were far more influential then them killing some people and bringing them back. After all, XD gave them the book, surely he knew what would happen. So then let’s say they sensed the reset coming and wanted to prevent it.

And perhaps death is the problem and the solution - it’s the problem because DreamXD wants to reset the world because there isn’t enough death to power him. But by also weakening him it makes him more vulnerable to be defeated. Death then is the cause of the need for restart and yet a possible solution to preventing it. Maybe Lazar and Vik weren’t mistakes because of their experiments and breaking the balance or whatever, but because they killed them fully giving XD power through their souls.

Maybe they purposely wanted everyone to come after them so the Egg didn’t get the souls it needed. Maybe if they did actually intend to kill everyone the thought was that they’d just bring them back, keeping the power out of the supernatural greater beings hands’. But then again, I do think that killing everyone wasn’t really the point - that feels like a page out of a typical villain book like some Thanos bs or something, which makes sense when we consider he took a play right out of Loki’s book by staging his capture.

Maybe then they panicked at the end about the nuke because it would kill a whole lot of people too and so they didn’t want to give XD more power to reset. Or as long as they (Dream and Punz) are alive death is impermanent so maybe they planned to bring people back after they died from the Egg - like stop any apocalypse that XD tried to cause like he does in the other timelines with the Egg or a character murder spree. Like XD doesn’t seem to have the power to reset them unless they are all dead so maybe Punz and Dream’s plan was to keep that from happening and hey if everyone came to them then it’s easy to keep them from killing eachother, Pandora keeps them safe from the Egg and if everyone’s inside no one can use the nukes. Maybe the saw room was actually for them, for one of them to stay and the other to escape - after all as long as one of them lives they cannot die. Maybe the reason they were worried about Wilbur, Sapnap, Quackity was because those were Dream’s most active threats and the ones with the means and likelihood to cause problems and play a role in strengthening XD and ending the world, Tommy doesn’t really fit in those categories of concern - “I was focused on everyone but you.”

I don’t know… but it’s interesting to think about for sure as well as the question always on my mind - WHY WERE THEY IN THE MAIN CELL WHEN TOMMY ARRIVED?!………..

[felassan]

First thing, I love your blog, I've been following it for a while and I have to say that your theories for Dreadwolf and lore in general are the best. 🙈

Second thing, I have a question about Flemythal and Hawke/Warden when they were left in Here Lies the Abyss. Do you think there is a chance for survival for the person that was left in the Fade? I left Hawke cause the game kinda hinted it(from Flemeth warning to Hawke in DA2, Hawke theme playing when they talk with Varric etc). Flemeth took the soul of Urthemiel from Kieran (if he is the old god baby ofc) and is seen sending something into an eluvian before Solas comes to her. Is there a chance she sent it to Hawke/Warden (cause she can waltz into raw Fade with no problem apparently). I'm really curious to hear your thoughts! 😊

hello! welcome, and thanku for the nice msg (❁´◡`❁)

thoughts below 😊

(interesting points about Flemeth's lines to Hawke in DAII, and the Hawke Family Theme playing in the conversation with Varric in DA:I.) whether the person who was left in the Fade could have survived - you know, I'm actually not sure one way or the other? I lean towards they didn't (RIP Stroud), but there's always a chance ig. the text accompanying the choice only says "[x] will likely die to cover your escape", right? the writers could in future write that they survived, if they wanted to write that. you can kill leliana in DA:O and she still comes back in DA:I, in a manner of speaking. (an aside: peoples' art, fics and AUs etc which explore, for example, Hawke escaping from the Fade or the HoF searching for Alistair in the Fade etc, are neat. personally, I always think about this happening wrt Purple Hawkes who got left in the Fade hhh)

about Flemythal and the post-credits scene, she's seen sending something into the eluvian before Solas arrives even when Kieran doesn't exist or the Dark Ritual was never undertaken. so I tend to think it wasn't Urthemiel's soul (or wasn't only Urthemiel's soul) that we see there in that scene.

data-mining the game files on that scene yields these dev notes:

Designer’s Notes: This is Flemeth from the previous two games. In this game, Flemeth’s story comes to a head – she knew that Solas would summon her, and that he would need to steal her power to further his plans. She knew that because they are both elven gods…yet Solas has slept for a thousand years and his power dwindled, while she was killed long ago and a spark escaped from her into the body she now holds. She has nurtured that spark, and knew that Solas would need it. He was once her oldest friend, but she knows in his drive to save the elven people he will kill anyone – even her. She intends to let him have the power, so long as she can pass the essence of her god-hood onto Morrigan, a gift Flemeth had always planned for her daughter yet one Morrigan misunderstood as hostile possession.

dev notes like these from game files don’t always ‘hold true’ by the time the games ship because things can change during development and ‘legacy notes’ sometimes get left in there iirc, or else something which the player experiences or is told to them during the game contradicts them (and in those cases what’s seen/said in-game takes precedence in terms of what’s canon ofc, as these notes aren’t really meant to be ‘seen’ be players). so the notes should probably be taken with a grain of salt. still, my speculation is that the thing Flemythal pushed through the mirror is the essence of her godhood, intended for Morrigan. we don't know where the eluvian in that scene leads - maybe it leads to the Crossroads, rather than the Raw Fade? if the thing we saw was indeed intended for Morrigan, that could make sense, since she has knowledge of and access to the Crossroads.

my alternative speculation is that it was part of Flemythal's own soul; Flemythal has demonstrated before that she can split her soul into different pieces to avoid death, Horcrux-style (like amulet she gave to Hawke in DA2, "the first of my people do not die so easily" etc). 

I'm also unsure about the timing lining up - the post-credits scene with Flemythal and the mirror takes place at an unspecified time after Inquisition but before Trespasser. the person who was left in the Fade was left in there weeks or potentially months before then. so if the thing that was sent was the crux on which the person's survival depended, it would depend on the person who was left behind defeating Nightmare and surviving alone in the Fade for quite a long time until receiving the thing that was sent.

ofc, none of that means the person left in the Fade couldn't have a chance to survive separate to that.

[lo-fi-charming]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

got tagged by @milkteamoon! ^^

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? // 176!

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? // 866,977

3. What fandoms do you write for? // Mainly TMA the last few years; previously, I wrote a lot of OPM fic. I'd say those are easily my two 'biggest' fandoms in terms of being actively involved and writing fic for them. I'll also write fic of other things I enjoy though, so I have a lot of one-shots and short series for other things too!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? // Sticking with TMA fic for this one, so:

What Lies Beyond the Frame (rated G, jmart) — A minor AU where I give Jon a new Beholding power, letting him see through his glasses when he's not wearing them. One of my earliest works for the fandom! I'm actually surprised to find it at the top of this list.

off-the-clock assistance (rated E, jmart) — An AOB fic taking place during the iconic Martin Living In The Archives era. I wrote this after realizing that other TMA smut fics had taught me I actually DO enjoy fisting as a concept, lol.

The Kissing Game (rated T, jmart) — A lighthearted, Christmas-y fic where Jon, Tim, and Sasha get into a competitive little holiday game of trying to catch Martin under the mistletoe. This one was very fun to write and I quite like how I ultimately wrapped it up.

A Friendly Favor (rated E, martim) — An AU where Tim and Martin are friends with benefits! I used to be very into martim when I first got into the fandom... I do still enjoy them, but we all know where my main focus/energy ultimately started going hehe. This one ended up developing into a tiny series of fics in the same setting.

Sizing Up (rated E, jmart) — Wherein Jon discovers that Martin is a size queen. This one was based off a stupid little comic I drew and is probably the closes I've gotten to writing a 'crack fic', though I wouldn't call it that - it's more in terms of the Energy I brought to writing it? Just doing something with a very silly base concept but taking it (mostly) seriously.

5. Do you respond to comments? // I do sometimes, if I feel like I have anything worth saying! Sometimes I'll respond with a simple 'thank you' or variation thereof if someone says something particularly nice though ;w;

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? // Kind of a difficult question honestly... I don't really write 'angsty' endings to my fic, even if they do have a darker tone or a lot of angst in the middle somewhere; I'm not really a hurt-no-comfort guy. I also think it's hard to say whether an ending is angsty because it can kinda depend on the perspective of the character(s) and I'd say generally, when I'm doing things as I intended, even if the ending is a bit dark, that doesn't ring as angsty to me?

If I HAD to choose one... maybe when the dream ends, a very old, Sans-centric Undertale fic I wrote where he experiences disorienting dissociation and deja vu of other timelines post-pacifist ending. It has a hopeful conclusion, but still leans heavily on his feelings of detachment, vague depression, and anxiety from feeling like everything around him is impermanent and repetitive.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? // Hm, approaching this in terms of fic where the happiness of the end feels earned, that'd probably go to The Taste of Midnight, my witch!Jon AU fic where he has to save his town from a disastrous force (with Martin's help). The final chapter, once the plot is resolved, is very idyllic and fluffy - a nice, pleasant conclusion for all the dramatic stuff that happened!

8. Do you get hate on fics? // I've gotten hate on a fic ONCE, as far as I can remember! It was for Deep V (rated E), a fic where Jon is trans and has dysphoric feelings about his chest, but decides he wants to try improving his relationship to it via kink. I made the mistake of openly asking for feedback on it when I posted it, and one of the more well-known assholes in the fandom (which I would learn after the fact), left a very nasty comment on it basically scolding me for even having written/shared it in the first place. Luckily I got a lot of useful advice and more friendly feedback/encouragement from much cooler people in the fandom, which was very nice and helped keep my feelings towards the fic largely positive! A harrowing but imo good learning experience in the end.

9. Do you write smut? // Yup! I have for a long time. It's generally my favorite kind of fic to read as well as write, though my tastes have been refining the last couple of years. I could write a whole big thing on my feelings about smut fic but I'll refrain this time!

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? // I don't think I've ever written a crossover fic! Right now, the closest I've gotten is vaguely contributing too (and loudly supporting the creation of) a Murderbot/Among Us fic my roomie started a year or two ago. Which I need to continue yelling at them to publish... hehe.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? // Boy I sure hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? // Yes, actually! Someone asked for permission to translate my OPM fic The Apron (rated E) into Russian! This is wild to me.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? // Yes, I'm actually co-writing one now with my friend V! It's an edited version of a long-going Jondaisy RP called Open Door (rated E). It's been a fun (if slow-going) project; it's an interesting challenge to go through an RP where we're each playing one character's part and try to edit it into a state that makes it more natural to read for others.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? // Jon/Daisy!!!! You might want to call recency bias, but they are simply Everything To Me that I've ever needed in a ship, actually, it's kind of insane how much of a hold they've taken over me. I look back on my older ships and I enjoy them all very much, but nothing hits the way jaisy does. I fear nothing else ever will... they're my true OTP...

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? // I have quite a few... A lot that I really want to go back to... Probably my most ambitious and least likely would be And Only Space Stood Between Them, which is an unfinished Oban Star Racers fic that would've involved interplanetary space travel, worldbuilding for a planet and alien species that was only VERY lightly explored in the anime, two protagonists/alternating POVs, a huge cast of supporting characters, an overarching plot amidst a star-racing competition, and a developing friendship/romance(?) between Eva and Aikka. I had SUPER big aspirations for it, and only got to the 4th chapter, when Eva first leaves Earth to head for his home planet. In a perfect world I would write this space epic..... It is my dear wish that... maybe someday...................

16. What are your writing strengths? // I've been told I'm good at writing in-character, which I greatly appreciate as feedback and dearly hope is true. I personally think I'm actually pretty decent at naturalistic dialogue, which I often hear is a difficult aspect of writing for folks. I think I'm generally good at pacing too, and I'd like to say that descriptive imagery is a solid strength of mine, though that's an element of writing often subject to taste...

17. What are your writing weaknesses? // I have no idea if it's a real weakness but I often get self-conscious about my writing being boring or repetitive or trite or something, despite people telling me this isn't the case when I've asked. I think it's just a case of, despite how long I've been writing, I'm still relatively young and have a lot to learn; I'm still finding my confidence in my unique voice and what I'm good at.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? // At the moment I only feel comfortable dabbling with the inclusion of Spanish, and only because I've been actively trying to learn it for a year. Even then, I basically only use it if I'm writing something with canonically Spanish-speaking characters. As a reader, it's something I really like to encounter when done well! Especially as a way to explore a diverse headcanon for a character.

19. First fandom you wrote for? // Pokemon!

20. Favorite First fic you’ve written? // (I actually misread this question, then decided to keep my first answer, because I'm so bad at picking a favorite fic! Honestly!)

Anyways, in terms of my first fic: it was a Pokemon fic with no main title. It's about a girl named Kim with a Charmander starter. She visits a pokemon center after adopting an abandoned and injured Growlithe, only to realize the center has been infiltrated by Team Rocket, who attempt to steal the Pokemon being healed there. I have an original, printed version of this fic in my stuff somewhere! I've daydreamed about making a comic out of it while keeping all the original narration/dialogue.

Okay, now I tag my dear friends. Obvs only do this if you want to~

@temporalreplicsimile , @callmearcturus, @zykaben, @ostentenacity

[sophieinwonderland]

The point of sn is that it's a recovery server, its main point is resource and experience sharing, which means it focuses heavily on the therapeutic and medical side of the disorder, navigating therapy as a CDD system, shame as a CDD system, links to free books and articles (my library is massive now) etc

Many of the members are in additional servers that are explicitly pro endogenic, and it's talked about a LOT. At least half the active members (a conservative estimate) and mods talk about being in these servers for other aspects of their experience, but they don't receive the same kind of advice and resources in those spaces. They heavily lack accurate medical information and many don't encourage discussions about the disordered aspects of DDs.

I really wish you'd give up on this, the server REALLY isn't what you think it is, and you were never that big of a deal until you started posting constantly about the server with claims that just... really weren't accurate or truthful. And you're still going, months later.

It's stressful and paranoia inducing. You're hurting people.

It's just a space that focuses on navigating the medical aspects of being disordered, and yes, there are a good number of mixed origin systems in there, and dedicated spaces to discussing spirituality in relation to systemhood (dedicated because many members have religious trauma and/or are prone to delusional thinking when exposed randomly and unexpectedly to religious information), among other things.

The server is only "anti endo" in that endogenic systems that want to argue the trauma basis of DID aren't welcome, because that's the point of the server. Trauma. And we struggle enough, we don't want to argue in our safe space about our disorder and trauma.

Because it's not a syscourse server.

Stop trying to hurt innocent people just looking for a specific type of space to discuss specific things.

Please.

That's cool that they had spaces for discussing spirituality. I'm sorry if my post spread misinformation.

I do want to stress again though that this particular post was not an attack on the Survivor's Network as a whole.

My issue here is with certain individuals who come out of that space with a skewed idea of what syscourse is because of that space.

And this is still true whether the mixed origin systems are completely absent from the server, or simply sequestered away from the syscourse channel. The fact is that you have people who have been hanging out largely in a "syscourse" environment with no endogenic systems, and where spiritual matters aren't allowed to be discussed. Do you feel that's a fair assessment of the syscourse channel?

Do you agree that this might contribute to people's skewed perception of syscourse when they come back to Tumblr, and speak wistfully of how they want syscourse here to be more like it is in the server's syscourse channel?

I really wish you'd give up on this, the server REALLY isn't what you think it is

I mean, what I think is that it's a recovery space that helps a lot of people with CDDs...

That happens to have a mod team made up of people who have repeatedly attacked me personally over the course of two years, and who addressed the server's admin's fakeclaiming and misgendering of me (paired with transphobic accusations of fetishism) by creating a 20 point list of things I said last November to explain why I actually deserved it.

A list, by the way, that was filled with lies and misrepresentations about my own words and makes it really hard to take any of their statements about other events in the server at face value.

Because if the mods are going to lie and mislead people about what I said in public, I have no reason to trust that what they're saying happens in spaces that I can't see are true.

It's a he said/she said with disgruntled members of the server vs mods caught lying in the very document that's intended to set the record straight.

I should also make it clear that a lot of my issues with the server are not with every member. I realize that it's a diverse group of over 200 members.

But the admin and the mod team who compiled that document have established themselves as liars and snakes, and I do not trust them or their descriptions of these events in the slightest.

This is really veering way off course...

The original point is this:

There is a group of syscoursers who have a very watered-down idea of what syscourse could and should be, in part because of occupying a space where endogenic system weren't present and talk of spirituality was, if present in the server, was at least sequestered away from syscourse discussions.

These people who may claim to be pro-endo or endo neutral expect everyone to get along because that works in their private bubbles.

They expect syscourse with endogenic systems to be the same as it is in those bubbles where syscourse stance isn't relevant, and try to paint it as a "both sides" issue when endogenic systems aren't tolerant towards anti-endos.

[salted-caramel-tea]

Do you think some companies design clothes only to fit the type of model they use? Gen question I just like hearing you talk about fashion

oh for sure . brandy melville . urban outfitters places like that

but like . it’s such a complicated topic to talk about whether or not that’s a good or bad thing bc standard fashion outlets tend to be lacking for size inclusivity on both ends -> being that plus sizes are very limited but also ranges for tall people of any shape are very limited too so brands like brandy melville despite being home to the most raging asshole judgmental twats of workers (based on personal experience) do provide options for people in that sense .

i will say tho it’s more rhe ‘this garment can only be worn by one type of person’ that gets me .

example the micro mini skirt . which i love . i have a brown denim micro skirt and a white pleated one. and as much as i love them and as they are on trend rn i can’t wear them out . bc they weren’t designed for a body type like mine . i have pretty wide hips and thighs so the garments don’t fall correctly across my figure to give the desired shape and i can’t walk in them bc they’re pressed against my thighs meaning they ride up as i walk. and i can’t size up bc then it’ll be too big around my waist. this is a garment that was intended to be worn by someone with slim legs -> fits well across the hips but leaves room around the thighs to walk, hence why you normally see rather thin women wearing micro skirts.

the same goes for things like tube tops were intended for women with smaller busts . or this top i ordered for tomorrow i’m petrified to try on because i’m not sure if it was made for people with protruding stomachs. i think oh my god wait i also ordered a micro skirt fuck . anyway my point is i think that a good way for companies to take into consideration different body types is to stop just scaling up products from their sample size and consider how moveable the garment is . bc as they size increases there’s little consideration as to what type of body would be wearing it ie -> larger sizes are less likely to be worn by people with thigh gaps or slim thighs so maybe an expansion around that area would be good for them ‘but what about tall-‘ lots of shops have tall and petite ranges now as well as plus size ranges but i still feel like there’s room for improvement .

im also fully aware this will never happen bc ultimately brands don’t care that much

but it still creates this idea that certain things can only be worn by certain people which is further pushed by social media only really highlighting certain body types in styling and outfit creation although there’s always exceptions but it’s more Accepted for certain people to be wearing certain things

anyway conclusion absolutely they do but because of trends and garment creation the problem lies more in any brand no matter how size inclusive simply scaling up designs making garments appear to be worn different on other body types than taking into consideration how these garments would fit on people of those measurements which creates the standard of an ideal body type for a certain style of dress ie instagram curvy or tiktok skinny

[carlyraejepsans]

Wanted to send this for a while but I'm stoked that you're also on the "the fallen human is meant to be named the player's/your name" train. Imo it's kind of a shame that we discovered Chara as "the true name," because I think it allows for a mental separation between the player and their actions in a way that dilutes the experience of Undertale. Some people have this mentality that it's not you, the player, doing all those terrible things -- it's Chara! Chara is possessing Frisk! When, no, Frisk is the vessel for the player. The remnants of Chara's memory/determination may be there as well, as evidenced by narration in the Geno route, but my take is that the part of Chara that is lingering is shaped by the players actions, too. It's nice to know the fallen human's true name so that we can talk about Chara as an in-universe character, but I think who Chara was and the "demon" that takes their form at the end of the Geno route are actually separate things -- because that figure at the end is a manifestation of the player's/your will; it's the culminating evidence of your actions, and not something that exists all along whether you play a Geno route or not. It's you. That's how I think about it, at least.

Also... inspecting the coffin of the 1st human and seeing your own name on it? That moment slaps and it loses its potency when you don't use your own name on the first run, if you're going in not knowing the lore.

seconding pretty much everything you said here. the only thing I'd add is that, in my interpretation, chara is meant to represent not just You you, but "you" as in "the intended audience for undertale when toby had no idea it would blow up like this", which is specifically RPG fans.

undertale is a commentary/prank call/love letter to that genre, after all, and the key of its message lies in challenging that violence, that unquestioned reality that you should mow down enemies to advance with the game. chara falling into the underground after running away from child abuse, the "kill or be killed" mentality that generated from that, their idea of helping monsterkind involving 1) excruciating self-sacrifice, 2) destroying humanity to let monsters rule the surface... i think chara's meant to symbolize the state of RPG players before then. violence being taken for granted, and for a good reason! it's not like most games gave you a peaceful alternative.

but... the plan fails. you don't kill, so you get killed. simple right? that's how it was always going to go. game's over... until it's not.

because the game's just beginning.

and here is why I'm such a big defender of the "the last fallen human is a reincarnation of the first and frisk in the pacifist run specifically is what is still standing after the ghost of that first child is put to rest" theory. after YOUR grief and violence and unfinished business are put to rest. until YOUR notion (as an RPG player) that "it's kill or be killed" is proven wrong. i think that's why it's so important that flowey is framed alongside you as a mirror to ye average player. and i think THAT'S why we only learn frisk's name in a pacifist run after the asriel fight, where we literally dig up asriel and chara's memories and exorcise them from the story, finally putting them at rest. it's also why the merch keeps calling frisk "the human" even though there are so many bigger spoilers everywhere, and why it doesn't matter if the neutral endings don't make sense (where does the human go. where did they get the monster soul if flowey shattered asgore's? did they cross the barrier? are they dead?) because they're not really endings are they? flowey says so himself "don't you have ANYTHING better to do?"

IT'S USING THE MECHANIC OF RESETTING A GAME TO REPRESENT HAUNTING. THE PLAYER IS THE GHOST, THE GAME IS WHAT IT HAUNTS. that's why the pacifist ending is the True Ending! because as long as you have unfinished business (remember, chara died by the hand of the same humans that abused them. violence was their world and that world broke them), you'll keep haunting the story!

as for the chara sprite, i also agree that it's something we can only see in genocide, and I don't think it's a coincidence that in the pacifist run and the once upon a time cutscene they always have their face covered. chara IS you. that's the whole plotwist of the entire goddamn game!! of course, they had to have their own characteristics and quirks and life inside the game, in the same way that you don't live in a world with pokemons in it, but the MC are still supposed to represent you and have your name. there's an inevitable seam between where you, individual player, connects to "you" your representation in the game itself, for the simple reason that the game can't read your mind. as long as you do the right thing, that seam blends into nothing.

during a genocide run though? sans said it best: "the more you hurt, the easier it is to distance from yourself". other characters actively point out your lack of emotion and weird distant behavior. the more you kill, the more you pull on that seam until it rips apart completely. THAT'S why you meet "chara" face to face at the end. you completely estranged them from yourself.

and now things are out of your hands.

don't say they didn't warn ya

[robininthelabyrinth]

I'm absolutely delighted your prompts are open! Your writing is amazing and always makes me smile, it's the best way to start the day along with a cup of coffee!

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying are given another chance at raising a child after a family is killed leaving only a young child behind. Lan Sizhui is delighted to have a baby sibling. Though everyone is more or less nervous about it (mostly be Wei Ying is a gremlin) but also there isn't any other options.

ao3

“It’ll be fine,” Jiang Cheng said, rolling his eyes. “Hanguang-jun raised Lan Sizhui, didn’t he? And he turned out fine.”

“I did,” Lan Sizhui said agreeably, then frowned. “I think I did, anyway.”

“Not to be a spoilsport, but, realistically speaking, how much raising did Hanguang-jun actually do with you?” Jin Ling asked, and held up his hands when Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi both glared at him. “I don’t mean any offense or anything! I’m serious. We know he was in seclusion those first few years, right? Who raised you then?”

Lan Sizhui thought about it. “Back in the beginning? Well…that was mostly Teacher Lan, I guess.”

“Teacher Lan’s the best,” Lan Jingyi said loyally, then added, “Well, other than that fondness he has for surprise quizzes. But that’s not applicable to parenting, is it?”

Lan Sizhui made a face that suggested that maybe it was, in some weird way, shape, or form.

“Teacher Lan, really?” Jiang Cheng asked, clearly getting drawn in despite his best intentions – as was often the case. There was a reason their little group swung by the Lotus Pier nearly as often as they did the Cloud Recesses and Jinlin Tower, despite Jin Ling not living there part of the year any longer. “Wasn’t he mostly in recovery for those injuries he got during the war? I would’ve figured Zewu-jun would’ve been more involved, wouldn’t he?”

“He was around sometimes, but no, it was mostly Teacher Lan,” Lan Sizhui said. “Zewu-jun was often busy – he was rebuilding the Lan sect –”

“I was rebuilding the Jiang sect! So what? I still raised Jin Ling, and he wasn’t even supposed to be here – I had to fight the Jin sect for months just to get the opportunity – ”

“Yes, jiujiu, we know!” Jin Ling said hastily. “You don’t have to tell that story again! You didn’t have to tell everyone that story in the first place!”

Jiang Cheng huffed. He was probably going to tell the story again whether they liked it or not.

“I think I see what you’re saying, Jin Ling,” Ouyang Zizhen put in, always a good fellow for throwing himself on a conversational sacrificial sword. “If Lan Sizhui was already a few years old when he was adopted, and then Teacher Lan raised him for the next three years, then he would’ve been old enough to be entered into the Cloud Recesses’ official junior classes by the time Hanguang-jun took charge of his education, right?”

“Yes, that’s what I meant, that’s it exactly!”

“What does it matter?” Lan Sizhui asked.

“Yeah! Hanguang-jun still raised him the rest of the way,” Lan Jingyi put in, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring. “Gave him lessons and tips and all that!”

“Isn’t that something he does as a sect senior anyway?”

“Well, yes, but it’s different for Sizhui, okay?”

“I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with that. After all, the person who teaches the most is the same as the parent, and being the person raising them is what matters no matter when they’re adopted,” Jin Ling said, with an eye on Jiang Cheng, who looked begrudgingly pleased. He looked begrudging all the time, though, so it was probably just pleased. “But my point is – once you were part of the lessons, even if he was raising you the rest of the time, you still already mostly had your personality down by then, right? We’ve never seen what someone raised entirely by Hanguang-jun from birth would be like.”

They all stopped to consider that.

“More than that,” Jin Ling continued. “This kid’ll be raised not just by Hanguang-jun, but by Hanguang-jun as he is now – after he and Senior Wei got together. You know?”

They did know.

“And of course, that’s all putting aside that the kid will be raised by Senior Wei himself, too…”

“Maybe we should start investing in defense talismans,” Jiang Cheng mused. “Because everything is going to explode. Everything.”

-

“Everything will not explode,” Lan Wangji said calmly.

“Are you sure?” Wei Wuxian asked. “Because I’m not sure, and I’m more likely to be involved in these hypothetical explosions than you are.”

“Mm. I’m certain.”

“But…”

“Wei Ying will be an excellent father,” Lan Wangji said, and his voice left no room for doubt.

“It’s easy for you to say,” Wei Wuxian whined, though he was smiling now. “You already have the experience of it! They say that it’s easier the second time, when you know what to expect…”

“Do not tell lies,” Lan Qiren said mildly. He was looking over some of Wei Wuxian’s notes – he’d insisted on any new inventions passing through a sanctioned approval process before they were put into practice and had volunteered himself to review them, a matter that had caused Wei Wuxian no end of stress until he realized that Lan Qiren really did intend to approve anything that met his standards and, moreover, understood musical cultivation enough to understand what he was driving at with most of them, even the esoteric ones, at which point Wei Wuxian gotten extremely enthusiastic about the whole thing.

This didn’t mean that they were friends or anything, but they’d at least formed some sort of tentative truce.

Most of the time, anyway.

Wei Wuxian squinted at his old teacher suspiciously. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you saying that it’s not easier the second time?”

“I am only saying that I have experience in raising a child not my own,” Lan Qiren pointed out, and Wei Wuxian nodded, slightly abashed; he knew that the old man had basically raised Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen, of course, although sometimes he forgot. “The first child I raised was Xichen and his personality as a child was much as it was as an adult: gentle, amiable, friendly, obedient.”

That made sense. Wei Wuxian nodded.

“The second child I raised was Wangji,” Lan Qiren said. “He bit people.”

Wei Wuxian burst out laughing.

Lan Wangj virtuously ignored them both, continuing to write a letter without the slightest hint of embarrassment – even his ears hadn’t turned red. What a shame!

“I can testify to that myself,” Wei Wuxian giggled, leering at his husband in the hopes of getting a rise out of him. “He’s still a biter – for certain lucky people.”

“He was a lot less discriminating when he was younger,” Lan Qiren said, and Wei Wuxian winced, abruptly remembering that Lan Wangji’s uncle was, in fact, still in the room. Luckily it was pretty easy to flirt around Lan Qiren, who didn’t seem to notice most of the time, but it was still a bit awkward. “And I once succumbed to temptation and gave him mixed messages, which I believe made it worse.”

That sounded like a story.

“He gave me a candy after I bit Sect Leader Jin,” Lan Wangji clarified, which made Wei Wuxian start laughing again. “He did not expect me to remember. I remembered. Nor did I allow him to forget about it.”

“It is easy to make mistakes while raising a child,” Lan Qiren said, ignoring Wei Wuxian’s cackling. “But if one means well, and tries hard to do the right thing, children are very forgiving – usually.”

Despite his best efforts to remain neutral, Lan Wangji’s eyes curved slightly in a smile. Wei Wuxian felt his heart go all warm and melty all over again.

“This is true regardless of whether it is the first or second child,” Lan Qiren added. “I have confidence that you will both do fine.”

“We will,” Wei Wuxian proclaimed. “With parents like me and Lan Zhan, how could the kid go wrong? And we’ll even try to avoid too many explosions!”

“Please do. One Lan Jingyi is enough for the Cloud Recesses.”

“You know, I was wondering – how did you end up with him being quite so…hmm…”

“Oh?” Lan Qiren said, and Wei Wuxian noted to his amusement that Lan Wangji straightened in back in sudden alarm despite Lan Qiren’s extremely nonchalant tone. “Have you not met Lan Yueheng yet? I must introduce you when he returns –”

“Perhaps not,” Lan Wangji said, sounding a little worried.

Worried, in this case, meant fun.

“No, I think I definitely need to meet this person – Lan Zhan, stop batting at me! I know exactly what I’m doing…”

-

Wen Ning looked down at the baby with which he had been entrusted.

“I don’t have any idea what I’m doing,” he confessed.

The baby gurgled.

“I think Wei-gongzi may have been thinking more about ‘babysitter that doesn’t need to sleep and has inexhaustible energy’ and less about ‘is this person qualified to take care of a baby’.”

More gurgling.

“I just wanted to apologize in advance.”

The baby yawned.

“…right then.” Wen Ning straightened up. Someone was going to have to raise this child, and based on how distractable Wei Wuxian was when he was around Lan Wangji and visa versa, it looked like it was going to have to be him. “Let’s do this.”

[asocial-inkblot]

Azula’s Luck At Love: According to the Fandom

Is it only me and @mydelusionpanda that have noticed how often the fandom seems to ‘accidentally’ portray Azula as though she’s asexual? And like she’d want to spend the rest of her days taking care of her brother’s child? I ask because, I don’t think any other character from the show is portrayed that way to a greater or equal extent. 

I personally think Zuko could be read just as much if not more as asexual than her (though I don’t think either of them were intended to be interpreted that way). Yet I’ve never seen a fanwork where he helped raise her child/ren. (I did once find a video where a fan made a theory that Izumi is Zuko’s adopted daughter and Azula’s biological one, which he raised when she was unable to do it herself. I guess because she relapsed?)

I don’t think it’s wrong or anything, to be asexual or read her that way. But every time I see yet another fanwork where Azula is with Izumi, but has no child or partner of her own, I get this very disappointed, even defeated feeling. Did people watch The Beach episode and take that to mean that Azula actually is hopeless at love because some bum-bottom, spoiled beach jock was scared of her enchanting flames (that he should have been amazed by as a Fire National!)? 

Do people actually think she’s considered unattractive in-universe even though she’s said to be so many amazing things by Lo and Li, called attractive twice (once by Lo and Li in front of a huge audience of cheering Fire Nationals in the same instance that they presented her and Zuko and talked highly of her), is a MFing princess, and outside The Beach, is implied/stated both in and outside of the show, to be considered the perfect little girl (unintentional Powerpuff Girl reference!) and adored by many? What could be behind this impulsive urge to represent her this way?

My guess is that’s it’s a combination of the usual sexism and misogyny (because no woman that goes outside the realms of gender stereotypes is worthy of love, according to some portions of fandom); the hidden need to use other characters to prop up one’s fave’s story; typical ableism that says no one (especially not a female) that implies in anyway s/he struggle with something mentally should even think about starting a relationship until that person is in his/her 60′s; 

wanting to write Azula as ‘selfless’ and capable of a domestic life like everyone else, but assuming it has to be tied to those the show framed as being ‘the good guys’ and people she ‘wronged’; feeling personally threatened by the idea of a women of Azula’s tier being able to find love (since she’s already ‘perfect’ she has no right to be any more happy) and thinking she needs to be brought down a peg; and other reasons that I may think up later.

The reasons aren’t random, but that’s precisely why this is upsetting to me to see so often. Azula is a person. People are imperfect. Some people have trouble with love the first few times (Chan may have been her first time near a boy that wasn’t her brother and her first kiss!). Some people have trouble for years before they finally rectify the issue and either decide they’d rather be in a healthy relationship with themselves (this is fine!) or just aren’t interested and only want friendships or to be solitary (also fine!). 

Some are partly the above, then try again one day and that time around it works out for them. Azula is still young, she has so many years ahead of her, so much to experience and learn. Must we write her off as unworthy of romantic prospects too, just to make her subservient to those from the show who were closest to her in another, more covert fashion?

(And fwiw, there’s an entire subreddit that exists solely for explicit art of this girl. Like it or hate it, it’s clear that a lot of people irl do find her and her personality (whether they understand her or not) to be very attractive.)

[iamanartichoke]

I wasn't sure if I was going to post this, but I may as well.

I keep starting to reply to things and then stopping bc the words just aren't there, and I suppose I figured out the core of what bothers me so much (and is making me have such a rollercoaster of a fan experience) about the show.

(cut for length)

It's not well-written. My opinion is my opinion, so I'm saying this subjectively, take it or leave it, but ... I feel that it's not well-written. The overall story is fine, and the plot is fine, but I don't know if it's because of the limited number of episodes not being enough to house the story, or because of the relative inexperience of the writer/showrunner+director, or both, or something else, but -

In an earlier reaction post to episode 4, I mentioned really wanting to sink my teeth into all of the subtext I picked up on. That was what made me initially enjoy the episode so much - there were a lot of little moments that I initially felt revealed so much about the characters and about Loki, and I wanted to analyze them. But at some point, as I gathered more information, my perspective changed and now I no longer want to analyze the subtext bc ... subtext = good. Subtext w/out payoff = not as good.

I'll go into more detail in a moment, but I think the tl;dr of it is that I feel like the narrative requires the audience to work way too hard to put together all of the moving pieces here and, like, I kinda just don't want to do that work? Not so much of it, and not in vain. A lot of the enjoyment of Loki's characterization is coming from fans who are rationalizing why he's behaving as he is, but the narrative never actually confirms those rationalizations. It's asking us to figure it out and maybe our conclusions will be correct but maybe they won't, though. At some point, subtext isn't enough without explicit follow-through.

I thought my issue was with the lack of character development - that is, not having enough narrative space to really earn the big things that are happening now, like Loki/Sylvie or Mobius turning against the TVA. And that's still true, to an extent; I still feel like the pacing is all very off and it seems like most of these things kinda came out of nowhere (but are not unbelievable - just undeveloped).

But, yknow, it is what it is, it's a limited series, and I can excuse some things. Ultimately, my issue isn't a problem with what the narrative isn't doing, it's a problem with what the narrative already failed to do and probably cannot recover from at this point.

The narrative has left out significant details that should at least help us do some of the work here. If a person turned on Loki and started episode 1 and had no background knowledge of the character besides that he tried to take over New York - how would that person interpret Loki? Would that person say, oh, well, he's been through X, Y, and Z, and plus A happened, not to mention B, C, and D, so really, it makes sense that he seems off-the-rails, or that he'd want to get ridiculously drunk at the worst time ever.

Maybe we'd like to believe they would, but how would they be getting to that conclusion? The narrative hasn't led them in that direction so, no, they would not say well we have to consider this, this, and that. It would be impossible to really understand Loki as a character from just what we've gotten in the series. The general audience would probably interpret Loki as being out of his element and so it becomes, I wonder how this character is going to get the upper hand here. And, while that's not wrong, it's just so limited.

The narrative at face value does not address Loki's identity crisis from Thor 2011. It does not address his hurt and devastation at being lied to, nor does it address how complicated his self-image is (bc it sucked to begin with and that was before he found out he was part of a race of "monsters," as he'd been taught his entire life). It does not reference Loki being so broken at the end of Thor 2011 that he deliberately let himself fall into the void of space (aka tried to kill himself). It does not reference that he was tortured by Thanos or even that he went through a seriously dark time in between Thor and Avengers, and it absolutely does not reference or address any influence or control of the mind stone.

These are all things that we, the fan audience, know because we've already invested our time into this character's story. But tons of people, the general audience, wouldn't know these things. Or if they did, bc they saw Thor and Avengers, they wouldn't be thinking about them as deeply as we would, nor contextualizing them with how Loki is behaving now, or why it would make sense that he needed to get drunk, or why it's understandable that he needs to keep going-going-going in order to not have a spare second to think or feel.

They'd probably look at Loki, again, as a character who was a villain and is now getting his comeuppance in a place where he has no power or control, and no literal powers, and even when he manages to escape and catch up to the variant, he proceeds to fuck up their plan for seemingly no real reason except that he wanted to get drunk bc he's hedonistic. Which Sylvie even berates him for! I mean. This is not exactly a complex character breakdown, nor a very flattering one, but that's what the narrative has given us.

(If the narrative has addressed Loki's mind control, his torture, his mental breakdown, his suicide attempt, and his general shitty self-esteem as a result of his upbringing, please point it out to me. If the narrative has explicitly acknowledged and referenced these things anywhere and I am missing it, please show me where. Please explain to me how the casual viewer would know any of these things that they need to know in order to actually understand what's happening in this story.)

So I mean, okay, we have a narrative that doesn't paint a full, accurate picture of Loki. Fine, sure. But because the general audience starts out on the wrong footing, they're not going to get out of the overall story what the writers probably intended them to. For example, in episode 3, a lot of us theorized that Loki had some kind of plan - that he broke the timepad on purpose, for some reason, bc otherwise it wasn't believable that he'd be such a failure. But episode 4 revealed that no, there was no bigger plan, Loki just plain old messed up. Which is fine if, again, one is only considering the surface-level portrayal here, but it's not true to Loki's actual characterization.

I mean. Loki is not perfect and Loki actually fails a lot, this is true. He fails for a lot of reasons, but incompetence has never been one of them. Usually it's that either things grew beyond his control, or there ended up being too many moving parts, or he had to change his plan at the last minute due to some roadblock or another being thrown his way, or even that he got in his own way - whatever the case may be for his plans' failures, he was always at least shown to know what he was doing.

That wasn't the case here. The "plan" to fix the Timepad failed as a direct result of Loki's actions, which were careless and made him seem incompetent, like he couldn't even handle this mission. "You had one job," etc. And there were pretty big consequences for this; they were not able to get off-world in time and would have been killed had the TVA not shown up at the last second.

And maybe none of these things matter bc the writers never intended any of this to be a reflection on Loki's character, positive or negative. The situation exists solely because the writers needed to put Loki and Sylvie together in some kind of hopeless scenario so that they could get closer, and thus the narrative could set up their romance. I get that - but, there were other ways to do it that didn't require Loki to look foolish.

Furthermore, the whole reason they needed to set up the romance is to show Loki eventually learning to love himself (like, figuratively but also literally). The audience is supposed to gather that Loki and Sylvie fell for one another, possibly due to the high emotional aspect of, yknow, being about to die (in addition to the variant-bond). The intent is clear: Loki and Sylvie almost die but get rescued at the last minute, having now created an emotional bond --> Loki and Sylvie team up and the narrative further establishes that Loki, at least, has caught feelings --> Loki might confess them but is pruned before he gets the chance --> he somehow survives, he and Sylvie are reunited and don't want to lose one another again, and the combined power of their love is enough to break the sacred timeline and spawn the multiverse, and the reason that the power of their love is so, well, powerful is because it's about self-love and self-acceptance as much as it is about having the capacity to love someone else. The end.

I get all that. The writers more or less said all that. And, I mean, it's certainly not the way I would have chosen to go about it, but it's a fair enough arc to explore. I don't really have an issue with the intent - but my question, however, is this: if the narrative has so far not addressed Loki's background issues (as outlined above), and has furthermore kinda gone out of its way to portray Loki as hedonistic and narcissistic, among other things (like kinda incompetent), and the context the audience starts with is that Loki's this villain who deserves what he gets -

- my question is 1, why should the audience care whether or not Loki gets to a point of loving and accepting himself (thus to make the theme of self-love, via the romance, hold weight) if they don't know that he hates himself to begin with and 2, why should the audience root for Loki to reach that point when so far the perception of him is that he's "kind of an asshole"? if he's a hedonistic narcissist, he probably already has a pretty inflated sense of himself, right? A misplaced inflated sense of himself, at that, because, again, the narrative has made him out to be not that capable of much of anything. (And it didn't start out that way! It seemed to start out with Loki being capable and intelligent but it's like episode 3, in trying to set up the romance, just jumbled it all up somewhere. I think this is why I'm harping on the Loki/Sylvie aspect so much - it's frustrating bc it kinda messes up the whole story and can't even accomplish what it's supposed to anyway.)

Anyway, that's beside the point. What I'm ultimately getting at is, at what point is the audience supposed to get invested in Loki's personal growth journey?

They can't, not really. Without understanding and having the context of everything Loki has been through up until now, and why he hates himself, and why it's so important that he learn to love himself, then the "payoff" becomes kinda pointless bc the significance of it is lost in translation. So suddenly we're left with this romance that comes off as either "Loki loves Sylvie bc of Reasons" (best-case scenario) or "Loki loves Sylvie bc he's vain, narcissistic, and kinda twisted" (worst-case scenario). Neither of these conclusions are what the writers intended or were going for, I'm positive, but there we are, regardless.

In order for the writers' intent in these storylines to land, they need to address the context of what makes these particular stakes high for Loki. So far, they haven't done that. They're asking the audience to pick up on all of these things, and they're showing things that subtextually make sense and are relatively in-character - but only if you realize there's subtext in the first place.

But you can't expect the audience to do all of the work for you. If you don't want the audience to think that Loki is a narcissistic asshole and instead you are trying to convey that, worst-case scenario, he thinks he's a narcissist but is an unreliable narrator, then you have to address that. If you need the audience to understand why you're going the selfcest route and why it's important to explore Loki's capacity to love himself and others, you have to address where that exploration is starting from and why it matters. Etc etc etc.

The narrative isn't doing any of that. And it isn't like it'd be that hard to do it. They don't need to reinvent the wheel here; a lot of the pieces are already there. A few lines of dialogue for context, a brief scene here or there addressing the issues, a little more care and consistency in how Loki handles things - these are all little things that could go a long fucking way in making the narrative stronger.

I'm rambling. My basic point is that my rollercoaster of emotions with this show is because

- as a part of the fan audience, not the general one, I can contextualize and analyze the subtext and come to the conclusions the show wants me to, and thus find the story and the characters more or less enjoyable,

- but I am also going to be using the subtext to come to conclusions that aren't there but probably should be (I think it would be a better story, for example, for Loki to confuse platonic love with romantic love bc it would pave the way to explore just how fucked up Loki's understanding of love - whether of other people or of himself, and the different forms it can take - actually is)

- and when they're ultimately not there, then I think, okay why am I bothering doing all this work just to ultimately feel very unfulfilled? They don't even have to write it the way I would, I'm not saying that, but they do have to do something to make the story feel rewarding.

If we don't get some confirmation of what Loki's been through, and where his headspace is, and why it matters for him to love himself, then the story remains pretty shallow and, for me, it's not fulfilling enough. It's not engaging enough. There isn't actually anything to sink my teeth into, so it becomes kind of boring. Maybe it's rewarding to other people, and that's great for them, but like - I need more than whatever this is.

So I'm just like - well, I had a lot of worries about this show, but my being bored wasn't one of them and now there's only two episodes left and am I really not going to get anything out of this, in the long run? No new canons, no new depths or layers, no new information on Loki's experiences? This is it?

I don't dislike it. I didn't start out disliking it, and I probably wont end up disliking it. I mean, there are a lot of good moments, and good things, and fan service-y things that I appreciate. As far as inspiration for fic goes, it's a goldmine, both plot-wise as well as aesthetic-wise. All of that is great. I don't dislike this show.

But I am disappointed in it, and I feel like I'll be watching the next two episodes lacking the sense of anticipation that would make it exciting. I'll still enjoy them, probably, if for nothing else just the sheer Loki content, but whatever it was I felt watching episodes 1 and 2 is gone and I'm sad about that, too. Because I really wanted to feel fulfilled by this series; I wanted it to fill up the void that Loki's death in IW created three years ago. And I just ... don't feel it. Maybe, maybe that'll change over the course of episodes 5 and 6. I don't know.

Everything that I end up enjoying long-term, I think, will come about as a result of my own interpretations and analysis and while theoretically there's nothing wrong with that, if I had known all I'd get out of this series was more headcanons or support for my current headcanons then, well - that's fine, I suppose, but I'll definitely a little bit robbed.

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[orsumeuphoria]

Lucky Lectures. Gender politics in homosexual ships. 

Are you a consumer of fanfiction? Do you live in a society? 

There may be heteronormative patterns in your gay fanfiction! 

“But how?” you ask, “It’s two dudes!” 

Well, funny thing is, when you live in a patriarchal society that has worked hard to establish that submissive = female and dominant = male, it becomes very easy to transpose these traits onto any individuals ever and perpetuate heteronormativity and gender structures of power! 

Let me explain.

First, we must accept the reality that we do exist in a patriarchal society that has taught us that Man always comes out on top (pun perhaps intended) and Woman has three essential roles: be pretty, be submissive, and be quiet.

Of course, with the different waves of feminism, the portrayal of Woman in media has shifted and now we have Girlbosses and whatnot. Except, the root of the problem hasn’t yet been addressed and millions of people who grew up either before or during these periods of change were still influenced by patriarchal teachings, and that’s not something one can easily get rid of, especially when media and other cultural artifacts that help spread and reaffirm societal cues were (and are still) plagued by this “Man strong, Woman weak” mentality (that is of course far more nuanced than that but this is not a gender studies course).

Now, what does this have to do with homoerotic fanfiction?

Short answer: the people who write fanfiction exist in the same society you and I do, and literature like any other artform is inherently a mimicking of the real world. Anything we see in the real world will end up, whether by choice or not, in that which we create.

There’s more to this, though.

Romance specifically is a big point of interest for us if we’re going to be diving into this subject.

When you look at the population who’s creating fanfiction, a lot of them are, in fact, very young AFABs. Let the record show I’m not exerting criticism or opinion in these lines, merely stating a fact.

The thing with these very young AFABs is that they: a) grew up in a patriarchal society; b) were exposed to patriarchal media that portrayed a very specific type of “romance”; c) likely also read fanfiction written by other very young AFABs with little to no real-world experience to help diversify or add nuance to their writing, so they exist in an echo chamber of, “This is definitely what romance is.”

You may be inclined to disagree and point me toward examples of fanfics and/or fanfic writers who do not fall into this pattern, and I see you, I have my own exceptions too, but for the sake of argument, we have to look at the very broad patterns because they are the most worrisome; the minority, in this case, is actually the one with the advantage.

So, let’s look at some examples of my thesis. Specifically within heterosexual fanfiction.

Some prime examples of this would be After (2014), Twilight (2005), and 50 Shades of Gray (2011). Do you see the pattern yet? The main romance arc in these novels is not a great example of actual romance, right? In After we have an abusive main male character. Twilight leaves us with a main male character who’s mostly emotionally absent and who leads to the main female character to, quite literally, jump off a cliff to try and get his attention. 50 Shades is abuse disguised as kink, leaning heavily into the excuse of a D/s dynamic. And what do the female main characters in these three do? Continue to thirst after the main male character even while suffering at their hands.

“Those are awful examples, Luck!”

Yeah, well, I’m a hyperbolic motherfucker, sue me.

Seriously though, I don’t think they are bad examples. They may be the worst of the worst but that’s exactly why they serve perfectly to illustrate my points. The fact that these three do exist points towards an underlying issue wherein we see these pieces of media and, even when they’re awful, we let them happen. We let them become cultural phenomena. None of this would happen, theoretically, if it didn’t have space to exist, if the ground wasn’t primed with centuries of patriarchal brainwashing to permit, if not encourage, these representations of romance.

If people weren’t still consuming stories like these, where abuse and unhealthy interpersonal dynamics are thinly disguised as romance, they wouldn’t exist; but people do consume these stories because they subscribe to patriarchal thinking and that creates a market, blah blah blah, I’m not here to give you a lesson on supply and demand. I’m merely here to tell you that people, even in 2021, are misogynistic and openly enjoy consuming misogynistic media, because they don’t perceive it as misogynistic! They think it’s normal!

“What does this have to do with my sacred homoerotic fics, Luck?” you ask. To quote Siken (2005): “Shut up/ I’m getting to it.”

I ask you, what is the big difference between heterosexual fics and homosexual fics in their representation of romance?

I say, none, really.

I’ve read plenty of fic in many different fandoms, raging from anime, literature, TV shows, RPF, and I can tell you the fics that portray queer relationships with any sort of nuance are few and far in between.

And this is where I remind you that most fanfic writers are people who were socialized as girls, who haven’t experienced enough to portray romance much differently than how their main examples (the misogynistic media, as we established) do.

So we have a bunch of young AFABs whose vision of love has been heavily influenced by out-of-whack power dynamics and a lack of affective responsibility. And what do they often do?

They buy into yet another set of absurd ideals! Remember when gay relationships were stereotyped as being between a Dom Top and a Sub Bottom? I’m sad to inform that it’s a prevalent thing and a vehicle for heteronormative structures of power to be passed onto queer fiction. Because, what are Dom Tops if not Man and Sub Bottoms if not Woman?

These kids, because they are kids, will take one look at a pairing and call the big dominant one a top and the dainty quiet one the bottom. Sometimes, they’ll cling to these ideas with a vice and start arguments if you challenge their structure.

“Why is this a big deal?” you ask, and I appreciate your curiosity.

It’s harmful because it continues to perpetuate some awful ideas about relationships and it ends in the fetishizing of homosexuality, and that’s not even mentioning how inaccurate of a portrayal they are of real life. Impressionable kids can, and do, and will, interact with this content and grow up with a twisted perception of reality that they, too, might reinforce in their own immensely flawed works of fiction. It could harm them in their real life too, there’s studies going on right as I type this regarding porn addiction in young AFABs because they start consuming smut fiction at very early ages. Kids could grow up desensitized to abuse. Kids could get in harmful relationships and miss the warning signs because they were romanticized in their favorite fic.

And this isn’t to say that all the responsibility lies in the hands of the fanfic writer, because anyone who engages in fandom does it out of their own volition and because of that should do so carefully. But this is to say that if you are a fanfic writer, you need to look at your own biases and be a little more critical with yourself and your world view, lest you continue this cycle of patriarchal nonsense.

[shinymixedbag]

So. About Given.

My social battery is constantly running on fumes. Hence the long periods of absence from tumblr ♥

I tried to ignore it but I heard seriously disturbing stuff about people warping the story however they see fit since the release of volume 4 in English... and fighting and spreading lies... :| 

Yes, I’m gonna talk about the controversial chapter 20 of Given -.- 

Honestly it’s sad that I even have to do this but things are getting out of hand I hear. Reading some stuff, it felt like being asked in sugar-coated words, to apologize for fucking up the translation -.- Hate it to break it to you, but the fantrans is more accurate ♥

I ask my followers to please help spread the word and get people to stop spreading lies, hate and misinformation. But please DO NOT land yourselves in trouble. You don’t owe it to anyone to change their mind. Put the facts out there. Whether they take it or not, it’s entirely up to them. 

And do not take my words out of context, please.

In this first part, I’ll just talk about stuff. In part 2, I’ll explain the literal translations of the few “problematic” pages... and in part 3… well, even if you skip one and two, make sure you read part 3.

I had high hopes for the official translations by Sublime, but they’ve taken so many liberties and hasn’t really stuck to what Sensei’s written. It’s not all bad, but not great either.. It’s a shame because it takes away a lot from what’s being said. (I’ll include examples.) BUT, it’s not unexpected, nor is it a huge offence, because when a company licenses a manga, I hear the translators don’t get to choose which projects they work on? So to them, this is a JOB with HARD DEADLINES. In the case of Given, that’s translating, editing and printing an entire volume in less than 8 weeks. That’s not an awful lot of time. 

Scanlation teams however, specifically choose the projects they work on and any decent scanlation team will INSIST on not diverging too much from the source material. (Meaning; most teams absolutely love the projects they work on, and think it’s disrespectful to change what the author has written.) Fan translators can be strict that way. I for one am loath to change dialogues, and prefer to do literal translations. So, you can be sure that most of the time, fan translations of any manga worked on by a decent scan team WILL be more accurate ^^ (or you can say, closer to the original) Folks seem to be under the mistaken impression that official=100% perfect. It isn’t... More often than not, it’ll have at least slightly skewed what’s actually being said. They are more concerned with deadlines and presenting a story in proper English(or whichever target language) This is common knowledge. Thought people knew??

If you didn’t, well now you do.

From experience, scanlating Given involves a lot of brainstorming and throwing ideas about. It’s crucial to make sure what sensei intended is not twisted. To phrase text in a way that wouldn’t cause misunderstandings :| ...THE IRONY.

Enough with the trashing on fan translations. Nobody begged you to read it?? Thanks are not needed but have the decency to not crap all over it. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything?  If it doesn’t serve the purpose of meeting your own personal agenda, DON’T READ IT. Regardless of the issue with accuracy of official translations, if you want to use that as gospel, by all means, feel free to do so. 

As I understand, the problem here is that a group of people want to show that Akihiko is not “wrong” or “bad” or a “rapist”? While the intentions are good, the way they’ve gone about trying to achieve it, is not... Starting a war online? FR..?? You might only want to prove you are “correct” and the others are “wrong”... But yelling and shit-talking is not gonna help your cause.

Those of you who think Haruki was okay with what happened...... Smh.

And those of you who think Akihiko is a rapist... please use a dictionary. Learn the difference between rape and assault. While they’re used interchangeably, rape is rape, and sexual assault can be violence of a sexual nature... being forcibly kissed against his will, having his pants pulled down and sucked off—counts as sexual assault.

Sorry, I am a little annoyed. I’m here to explain. So I’ll get on with that... in part 2 of my post.