#You gotta be some level of intelligent to have as high speech/personality and be as good of an assassin as he is but like

[venacoeurva]

Wait... Dagoth Ur is a TWO times hookup? When was the second time? I always assumed that Vivec comic and several artworks making fun of the situation are all about that one time...

Wren got the axe skill damage and was like "??? ok that happened but now what if..." [kombuchagirl.gif] and then his dumb ass did it again later, and also can't use medium armor now (at least that went out of style). Curiosity is a hell of a thing

Worth it for the memories, at least?

[motsimages]

Some "subtleties" I really enjoyed in Starship Troopers during yesterday's rewatch:

Framing meteors, asteroids and other celestial bodies that are quite frequent in space as the weapon of the bugs. When the movie begins and we are informed of "another attack", is it really an attack? It's just a meteor, we haven't even seen the bugs, we have no context about this "war". It has been decided that they are attacking and invading (there is a certain level of planning and strategy for this), while at the same time, only after the second half of the movie the possibility of bugs being intelligent is mentioned. Also, Klendathu is very far from Earth, how much of a threat are they?

In the first minute of the movie, during the "I'm doing my part" ad, there is a literal child soldier. As a matter of fact, there are two ads that feature children: one giving them assault weapons and one stepping on bugs with violence. You gotta get them young.

All of the teachers in *high-school* are severely disabled by war.

Rico ("rich man" in Spanish) has no personality whatsoever. He isn't a good student and has no ambition. He ends up doing what he does by sheer luck. He goes to the Service because of a girl and to be against his father, he stays in the Service because he literally has nowhere else to go. He is so bland that even his encouraging speeches to the troops once he becomes lieutenant are exactly the same as his predecessors. He repeats the textbook definition of a citizen even after experiencing war and he still doesn't know what it means. He does what is expected of him, while the movie kind of frames him as breaking the mold and being a rebel because he doesn't do what his father wants him to do. But he does what the government needs of him and people like him.

For once, I believe having 35 year olds playing teenagers is on purpose.

Carmen is The Ideal Girl of the Federal Service. Her acting and her shots are always charming, not only is she cute, she plays cute, you have to fall in love with her and everything she does or the movie does around her supports this. Compare with Diz, who is also a very beautiful woman but her acting and her shots tell she is more of a tomboy. She is there to let the audience know that women can also become war meat soldiers.

"Service guarantees citizenship". *Guarantees*. There may be other ways of becoming a citizen, but they are harder and are never mentioned in the movie, it is all about Service as if it was the only way (and for some things, like being a politician, it is). "Citizen" is also used in opposition to "civilian" kind of implying that "civilians" are not "citizens". Again, this is a propaganda war movie from the future, so we don't get to see what it means in daily life to have this separation between "civilian" and "citizen", but we know citizens have privileges. Also: Rico is rich, his family is rich, his parents aren't citizens.

The pledge of alliance that is actually a legal waiver.

Rico saying he will join the infantry to the recruiter who has a missing arm and him proudly saying "Infantry made me the man I am today" while casually showing Rico and the audience that he is also missing both his legs. Almost all adults we've seen until this moment are disabled from war.

The shower scene. All those handsome young men and women full of energy and life who get along are asked to say why they joined while fully naked. A subliminal ad, the brochure to convince kids. Some things are the same as joining the army ("Harvard will cost *an arm and a leg* but the Federation will pay for it"), some others are painfully dystopian ("It is easier to get a license to be a mother"). So civilians need authorisation to be parents, but the Federal Service is more or less counting on survivors to motivate their children to join and keep the war machine going.

Showing an ad of a terrible bug killing a cow but censoring the cow dying immediately followed by "the mormons" (are they mormons, though? Aren't they just the squad the Roughnecks find in Planet P?) killed in terrific ways, showed in great detail of gore and blood.

The whole Doctor Mengele vibes of Carl who joins the division called "Games and Theory". *Games*. His vibes were off even in high school and his whole "mind control" (which the movie doesn't really confirm is a real thing, it makes the narrative around it as if it was but "it's afraid" is not mind reading and "it's classified" as an explanation is nothing really). I don't know if it's worse if he can actualy do telepathy or if he can't but is living off of it. Some "The men who stare at goats" army shit there.

Carl making an ad to show the superweapon they will use against the bugs, but that weapon is only used in the ad. The infantry uses their average weapons that are mostly ineffective for killing bugs.

When Carl reappears and says that his division is the one making the choices for whatever Fleet and Infantry do, and he says he sends people to their death on purpose to test theories and Rico says "That's what the infantry is for" fully convinced that yes, we came here to be killed.

Infantry is made of younger and younger people.

When Carmen, Carl and Rico meet again after the fight and they get the kind of heroic shot of the three of them together surrounded by celebrating soldiers and Carmen says something like "When the three of us are together, maybe things can work out". They spent the movie apart. Carl disappears once he joins and reappears only at the end. They didn't even capture the bug, another team did. But they are a metaphore of joined efforts of the three branches of the Federal Service, they aren't really characters.

Carmen and Rico never get serious injuries. In this scene of celebration, Carmen is bleeding from one arm (and that arm should be completely unusable and she should be in great pain) but she was able to shoot and use that arm as if nothing happened. Rico fully ricovered from his leg injury. And even, they just scaped running from an exploding cave, their hair is clean and perfectly combed even though moments before it wasn't.

The person who captured the bug was the training officer of Rico, but he had to demote himself to be able to fight and become the hero who captured the bug. The propaganda message for recruiting kids being "you get the action and the merit if you stay a private", even after most of the privates in Rico's company have been kileed in horrific ways.

How the news titles change according to the story the propaganda wants to reinforce.

Only the young, beautiful, white, smiling people survive.

Ending the movie with humans probing the bug the same way the bug was probing the humans less than 20 minutes before.

The whole cinematography that is one shot after the other of propaganda war movies and quips to create complicity with the audience.

Ay Verhoeven, qué bien lo haces, jodío. I really like how it's a movie within a movie. There are nods to the audience in the 24th Century who are watching this propaganda movie (every single scene of Carmen) and at the same time, there are nods to us watching the movie now to let us know how this is all wrong (the recruiter's "Infantry made me the man I am today").

[ganymedesclock]

"Normal looking person has terrifying teeth. bonus points if they have an extending/splitting jaw or retractable teeth or something like that" this seems... oddly specific. how'd you find out you like this?

It was a long process starting at my middle school goth phase where tiny vampire fangs were neat, and then later I was like, "well, that's not very scary is it, it could be scarier" and that graduated to progressively bigger scary teeth until I realized that the average human jaw can only fit so much teeth in it, and then I saw the art of @deadwooddross and it cracked open some brave new frontiers regarding how people can look.

Really in general it seems more specific than it is, it's generally that I think horror mouth is a good concept-

(monkey brain says bared teeth bad? Social repulsion of hunger, humanity's own predatory instincts and the primal hunting behaviors that once fed us, and one need not look any further than modern diet culture to consider that man has a very precarious nature indeed with the hunger that has always defined us? something else entirely? the fine line between the alluring, desirable, or appealing mouth that might yield tender kisses or speak sweet words and the aforementioned primal nature and threat potential of mouths?)

-and then throughout my life, in both consuming and creating art, I'm trying to challenge myself to outgrow the mindset that for something to be good or likable or deserving of patience or attention in any way it has to be the least offensive, prettiest thing- so slapping a horrible unfolding bobbit worm mouth or a leering skull grimace or a great slobbery aperture on a human face is a good challenge to that regard.

Honestly, anon, I think your question is a good one! Like I said, when I first discovered Dross's art, I was really amazed at their monster designs and it got me frustrated with the level of monstrosity in my own art. I was left wondering how someone could come to such wonderfully gross, unsettling, specific concepts. It's been years since then, and I think I can confidently say it's all just a matter of practice and inspiration!

I know we can often think of creativity as something semi-divine, born from the void (or, jokingly, as some like to insinuate, affected by psychoactive substances) and nothing us mere mortals can change- but really it's a lot more of a practical skill. For me, challenging my assumptions and interrogating my thoughts does a lot of the legwork- the important other piece is that this engine of analysis is driven by new ideas being pumped in from the things I consume.

While this has nothing to do with teeth, I remember seeing- incidentally, in a gif, I've never watched the movie and don't really plan to- Moder, the bestial antagonist of a live-action horror movie called The Ritual. Moder is a beautiful monster; she has a really unique design evoking a moose, with a hidden but disconcertingly humanlike face and two dangling arms where her mouth should be. Seeing her in motion struck me all at once that I had never really seen, before then, an ungulate monster. Hoofed creatures are conceptualized with a sort of unthreatening banality; the docile cow, the sweet innocent deer, the sacred unicorn, the majestic but servile horse. Seldom do we get this sort of old-god megafauna feeling cut loose in such a creature, and yet, looking at Moder, why the fuck not? At a point in the movie itself she effortlessly overtakes one of the main characters at a run, her great powerful legs and thrashing hooves causing her to keep pace with him in a moment that seems profoundly effortless before she banks to the side and decides to end the chase.

To bring this back to "why teeth", I think that horror character design is really a case where you just gotta look to your idols, in life and in creative works! Find something that fucks you up, even and ESPECIALLY something that seems stupid, and then gently lie back somewhere comfortable and look at the ceiling, and entertain, "wouldn't it be fucked up if you met a person whose entire face was just a pleasant mask and when they actually ate something their whole head hinged upwards to reveal their real mouth, which is just a gaping, cavernous, tooth-riddled throat?"

And it doesn't necessarily have to be teeth. There's no rule of what's exceptionally scary. For me, I like teeth. Like thinking about them. There's something about teeth and savagery and decorum and speech and the complex dance between them that, at risk of sounding insufferable, is one of the endless interstitial crossroads that make humans human.

Another very dear inspiration of mine is the decorum and presentation of the skeksis from The Dark Crystal- they simultaneously scratch my itch for predatory sophonts whose intelligence doesn't completely cut their instincts and court dramas where the image of high society is used as a contrast to the brutal and often ugly, undignified nature of ambition, pettiness, greed and lust- and they don't just serve up both of those flavors but use them to enrich each other, so that we are watching these vicious hyena birds stalking around, all puffed-up in arrogance, using gilded nail-guard forks and toothpicks, while devouring a horrible vampiric gluttonous feast and snarling at each other as they pass too close like starving wolves about to tear each other to pieces.

So I guess that's the essential linchpin of why I like unfolding or distending mouths, because it also conveys that sort of quality about a character. If your mouth splits like a flower, to a horrible toothy construct useful for mauling and threshing..... it's not going to be very good for speech. Reining it in to a humanlike configuration is stifling, and suppresses the true nature of a very specialized meat grinder, but it allows you to relate to things as something other than threats and prey. A sort of literal and figurative, sympathetic and horrifying, two-faced nature. It also plays to a good old vampire classic, the "game face" where a creature who might look beguiling and beautiful reveals a nasty appetite and a dangerous side, in a very pulpy organic fashion- it's no glamour, it's just cheeks that can retreat and a jawbone that splits.

[beatriceeagle]

I'm more of a fantasy than sci-fi person, but consider my interest piqued. Why should I watch farscape?

Okay, the thing is, every Farscape fan’s pitch on Why You, Yes You, Should Watch Farscape ends up sounding very similar, and that’s because Farscape is a black hole that sucks you in and does things to your brain, and after you’ve watched it you are never, ever the same, which incidentally is basically the plot of Farscape.

I would summarize the basic plot for you, but that’s work, and luckily, the show’s credits sequence includes a handy summary that I will provide instead of doing that work: “My name is John Crichton, an astronaut. A radiation wave hit, and I got shot through a wormhole. Now I’m lost in some distant part of the universe on a ship, a living ship, full of strange alien life forms. Help me. Listen, please. Is there anybody out there who can hear me? I’m being hunted by an insane military commander. Doing everything I can. I’m just looking for a way home.“

So let me break down that monologue into its component reasons you should watch Farscape.

1) Some of the strange alien life forms are Muppets.

Farscape a co-production with the Jim Henson Company, and while there are many aliens played by humans in make-up, there are also a considerable number (including two of the regular crew) who are Muppets. By which I do not mean Kermit. I mean really gorgeous, elaborate works of art.

Also, even a lot of the humans-in-makeup aliens just look cool, and incredibly weird. Here’s an alien who appears in a single episode of season 1:

Not that there aren’t, you know, occasional Star Trek-style “these guys are just humans with weird hair,” or whatever, but in general, the aliens on Farscape look really alien. And that’s more than an aesthetic choice; it’s Farscape’s driving narrative principle. The aliens look alien, they act alien, they have alien values.

You know how a lot of sci-fi shows will have a stand-in for “fuck,” like Battlestar Galactica has “frak”? Well, Farscape has “frell.” And also “dren.” And yotz, hezmana, mivonks, loomas, tralk, snurch, eema, drannit, dench, biznak, arn, drad, fahrbot, narl. Some of those are swear words, but some of them are just words, never explicitly translated, that the alien characters will pepper into their speech, because, well, why should translator microbes be able to completely translate all the nuances of an alien culture? You’ll pick it up from context. One time, in passing, a character mentions that he’s familiar with the concept of suicide, but there’s no word for it in his language. I cannot emphasize to you enough how fleeting this moment is; the episode is not about suicide, we’re not having a great exchange of cultural ideas—at the time, the characters are running down a corridor in a crisis, as they are about 70 percent of the time—it’s just that the subject got brought up, and this character needed to talk around the fact that he literally didn’t have a word, in that moment. Things like that happen all the time, on Farscape.

Because more than anything else, Farscape is a show about culture shock. John Crichton is this straight, white Southern guy, at the top of his game—he’s an astronaut! he’s incredibly high status!—and then he ends up on the other side of the galaxy, where none of his cultural markers of privilege hold any meaning, where he doesn’t know the rules, where he literally can’t even open the doors. And he has to unlearn the idea that humanity is central, that he is the norm.

2) John Crichton, an astronaut, is pretty great.

A show that’s about a straight white guy with high status having to learn that he’s not the center of the universe could easily be centered around a really insufferable person, but one of the subtle things that makes Farscape so wonderful is that Crichton is, for the most part, pretty excellent. He has a lot of presumptions to unlearn because almost anyone in his cultural position would, but he’s also just a stand-up guy: compassionate, intelligent, open-minded, decent, forgiving, brave, hopeful.

And the galaxy tries to kick a whole lot of that out of him. It doesn’t succeed, mostly, but if Farscape is about anything other than culture shock, it’s about the lasting effects of trauma. How you can go through a wormhole one person, and experience things that turn you into someone you don’t recognize.

That’s kind of grim-sounding, but ultimately, what I’m trying to say is that Farscape is almost fanatically devoted to character work. Crichton is not the only character who sounds like he should be one thing and ends up being another. All of the characters—all of them, all of them, even the annoying ones—are complicated wonders. And you don’t have to wonder whether the events of the episode you’re watching are going to matter. They will. Everything that happens to the characters leaves a mark. Everything leaves them forever changed. Whether it’s mentioned explicitly or not—and often enough, it’s not explicit—the characters remember what has happened to them.

3) The living ship houses a lot of excellent women, among them the ship itself.

Ah, the women of Farscape, thou art the loves of my fucking life.

There’s Aeryn Sun, former Peacekeeper (that’s the military that the “insane military commander” hails from) now fugitive, currently learning the meaning of the word “compassion” (literally). She will break your fingers and also your heart. John/Aeryn is the main canon romantic ship.

There’s Pa’u Zhoto Zhaan, a priestess of the ninth level, current pacifist, former anarchist. Sorry, leading anarchist. She orgasms in bright light! (Oh my god, Farscape.)

There’s Chiana, my fucking bestie, a teenage(ish? ages in Farscape are weird) fugitive on the run from a repressive authoritarian state. Chiana is like a seductress con artist grifter thief who mostly just wants to survive so that she can have fun, damn it. Characters on Farscape do not really discuss sexualities (sex, yes, sexualities, no) and it would be fair to say that several of them do not fall along human sexuality lines generally, but I’m gonna go ahead and say that Chiana is canonically not straight.

Then there’s Moya, the ship herself, and it’s hard to get a straight read on Moya’s personality, since she mostly can’t speak. But she definitely has opinions, and things and people she cares about. And she moves the plot, though that gets into spoiler territory.

Past first season, further excellent women show up: Jool (controversial, but I like her), Sikozu (I once saw a Tumblr meme where someone had marked down that Sikozu would lose her shit when someone pronounced “gif” wrong, and that’s absolutely correct, and it’s why I love her), and Noranti (who is incredibly weird, and incredibly hard to summarize, but man, you gotta love her willingness to just show up and do her thing). Plus, there’s a recurring female villain, Grayza, who I could write probably multiple essays about. (I don’t know how you will feel about Grayza, as not everyone loves her, but I think she’s fucking fascinating, especially because she’s not actually the only recurring female villain. We also get Ahkna!)

(Side note: I should mention, here, that the cast of Farscape is really, really white. There is one cast member of color, Lani Tupu, but he pretty much represents the entirety of even, like, incidental diversity in casting for the series.)

Anyway, Farscape is full of awesome women, and also awesome and unexpected men, and it really enjoys playing with audience expectations of gender roles, generally. Literal entire books have been written about the way that Farscape fucks around with sex, sexuality, and gender. It’s a little weird because it was the late 90s/early 2000s, and sometimes that does come through, but Farscape’s guiding principle was always to try not to present American culture of the time as the norm, so like. It is not.

(An aside on Farscape and sex: Literally every character on Farscape has sexual tension with every other character. If you are a shipper, this is a Good Show, because no matter who you ship, there will not only be subtext, you will get a Moment of some kind. Multiple characters kiss the Muppet. Farscape is dedicated to getting into the nitty-gritty of the galaxy—I like to think of it as showing the guts of the universe—so a lot of the show is kind of squishy. They live on a biomechanoid ship, instead of androids there are “bioloids,” there’s a lot of focus on strange alien biologies, and lots of weird glowing fluids and things. I think the sex thing is kind of part and parcel of the larger biology focus: Farscape is really fascinated with how we all eat and evolve and live and die and, well, fuck. Which is in turn, kind of part of its focus on making everything really alien.)

4) Other stuff you should know.

Farscape as a whole is excellent, but it was kind of the product of creative anarchy—an Australian/American coproduction (oh yeah, everyone except Crichton speaks with an Australian accent) that was also partnered with the Henson company, whose showrunners were based in America but whose actual production all took place in Australia, and who was just constantly trying new things. So individual episodes can vary wildly in quality. It really takes off in the back half of season one, but no season is without a few off episodes.

It is extraordinarily funny, and I really think I haven’t stressed that enough. It’s one of the shows I want to quote the most in my daily life, but almost all of its humor is really context-dependent, and if you just wander around going, “Hey Stark? What’s black and white, and black and white, and black and white?” people look at you really funny.

It’s very conversant with pop culture generally (although obviously sci-fi  specifically, and Star Trek most specifically of all) and really enjoys deconstructing tropes, often to the effect of, “Well, Crichton really does not know what to do here, does he?” but sometimes just to be interesting.

There are also a lot of themes about science, and its uses and misuses.

The whole thing is fucking epic, and if you get invested at all, will take you on an emotional ride.

This show is weird. I know that that’s probably come across by now, but I think it’s worth reiterating as its own point: Farscape is so weird. Like, proudly, unabashedly, trying its hardest, weird. An amazing kind of weird.

If you’re into fantasy, you should know that there’s a recurring villain who’s just a wizard. Like, they don’t bother to explain it any more than that, he’s just a fucking wizard.

In summary: You should watch Farscape because it is a weird, wild, emotional, epic romance/drama/action/allegory full of Muppets and leather and one-liners and emotional gut punches and love, and if you let it, it will worm its way into you and never let go, which, now that I think of it, is another Farscape plot.

Send me meta prompts to distract me from my migraine!

[tigerkirby215]

5e Illaoi, the Kraken Priestess build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Riot Games)

I’ll take “Champions Everyone Hates” for $300, Larry!

Jokes aside Illaoi was a beyond obvious build with all the Unearthed Arcana subclasses being shown off. With Tasha’s Cauldron on the horizon and recent news that Illaoi is actually getting another skin it only makes sense to make a build for her.

But this is also an opportunity to make something interesting. In particular I see a lot of people online saying that the only viable melee Warlock is Hexblade, and while the Hexblade subclass certainly makes creating a melee Warlock easier it isn’t the only path you can choose. So to prove that you can play other Warlocks with a big ball to slam people with here’s a more melee focused Warlock build!

GOALS

Sheeyutu Nagakabouros - So Illaoi needs tentacles. What? Lurker in the Deep Warlock? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Broken bones teach better lessons - Illaoi is a buff lady and I want her to crush my head between her thighs... What? Uhhh STRENGTH BUILD TIME!

Many gods ask for worship; they are weak gods - Probably the only hard part about this build is going to be ripping people’s souls out of their body... Good thing I’m honestly probably not going to do that and simply reflavor some stuff.

RACE

League of Legends has its gods and monsters, but the majority of the characters are human. Variant Humans get to start with a little bit more than the average human, but let’s get the normal things out of the way first: increase your Strength and Charisma by 1 to break bones more easily and to find more people who want you to break their bones. You also get a proficiency in a skill of your choice such as Athletics to lug a giant Kraken god head statue around all day, and a language of your choice like Deep Speech to speak to your god through your statue.

But most importantly you get a free Feat, and unfortunately this is a case of me being forced to stick feats into this build for the sake of aesthetic. Illaoi doesn’t wear armor in-game but I could make the argument that her massive arm pauldrons and general outfit could be seen as Medium armor. So even though you could get Heavy Armor “proficiency” thanks to the Eldritch Armor Invocation from the Class Feature Variants UA I’m instead going to suggest taking the Moderately Armored Feat for Medium Armor proficiency and +1 to your Strength score. Feel free to take something like Great Weapon Master instead if you’re okay with actually wearing Heavy Armor at the cost of an invocation.

ABILITY SCORES

15; STRENGTH - Eat your heart out The Last of Us 2 haters. (BTW screw everyone who’s been harassing Laura Bailey on Twitter. I know this is old news but still.)

14; DEXTERITY - Something something Medium Armor, even if Heavy Armor is an option.

13; CHARISMA - Ultimately this is a requirement for the class we’ll have to be playing, but I’m sure there’s a reason this tentacle-lover keeps showing up to ruin my soloqueue games.

12; CONSTITUTION - Illaoi is a tank in-game and while I’d love this to be higher unfortunately we need other things more.

10; WISDOM - Illaoi has knowledge of the old gods which I’d personally consider to be more Wisdom based than Intelligence.

8; INTELLIGENCE - Signing yourself off to be the priestess of some deep sea Cthulhu monster isn’t something you do when you have a high GPA.

BACKGROUND

Fun fact: you can be a priest and not be a Cleric! The Acolyte background lets you grant your service to a god, even if that god isn’t commonly accepted. You gain some Religion proficiency as well as general Insight, as well as two languages of your choice like Abyssal and Primordial to speak to all the ancient beings of Bilgewater.

Your feature Shelter of the Faithful will be a... little odd for your DM to implement. There are few temples to Nagakabouros, but if you can find followers of the Bearded Lady they will provide shelter for you and your allies, and also support you (and you alone) as their Priestess. But regardless you will still be able to find your people in your hometown, and will be able to perform sermons for your god. Even if those sermons involve cracking skulls.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - WARLOCK 1

Did you enjoy seeing the word “Fighter” a lot in my Garen build? Well you’d better be ready to see a whole lot of “Warlock” in this one. As a Warlock you get two proficiencies from the Warlock skill list so learn about the History of Nagakabouros and also take Intimidation proficiency because I’m pretty fucking intimidated when an Illaoi comes into my lane if you know what I’m saying.

But unlike most classes Warlocks get to choose their subclass at level 1 and low-and-behold we’ll be going with the Lurker in the Deep Unearthed Arcana Patron which will soon be appearing in Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything. One may ask why I didn’t wait for that book to come out to which I reply “I need to make content.” Regardless you get Scion of the Deep at level 1 to communicate telepathically with (almost) any creature that has an innate swimming speed that’s within 120 feet of you. The creature can understand you regardless of your shared languages and can respond telepathically. Look all I’m saying is that you’ve gotta be able to talk with Nami somehow.

But of course what you’re really here for is Grasp of the Deep. As a bonus action you create a tentacle at a point you can see within 60 feet of you. The tentacle lasts for 1 minute or until you make another tentacle. When you create the tentacle, you can make a melee spell attack against a creature within 10 feet of it. On a hit, the target takes 1d8 cold or lightning damage (your choice when it takes the damage) and its speed is reduced by 10 feet until the start of your next turn. You can also move the tentacle up to 30 feet as a bonus action on your turn and repeat the attack with said bonus action. You can summon the tentacle a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier and regain all expended uses when you finish a long rest.

Yes I did just copy-paste the description of the ability because it’s a lot of words to say something very simple: make tentacle in 60 feet, slam people with bonus action, move it up to 30 feet per round.

But unlike in League you get more than just tentacles at level 1! You also have access to Pact Magic! You can learn two cantrips from the Warlock list: Lightning Lure lets you pull your opponent’s not-quite-soul closer towards you, and Eldritch Blast is an Eldritch Blast that lets you Eldritch Blast; I’m not going to pretend you don’t know what this cantrip is.

You also get two spells from the Warlock list and now it’s time to just take any spell that has the name “Hadar” in it. Arms of Hadar lets you strike everyone near you with tentacles; isn’t it fun to get your ultimate at level 1? For some sort-of Soul Stealing action I’m actually going to recommend Witch Bolt: after hitting an enemy with the spell you can keep hitting them from a distance and they can’t do anything about it! Truthfully though there are a lot of really great spells for this build at first level and I’m sad I can’t list them all, so if you don’t like my spell picks try out:

Hellish Rebuke (Thornmail)

Hex

Protection from Evil and Good

Thunderwave (Subclass-specific spell, otherwise known as “better Arms of Hadar that aren’t tentacles so they’re actually worse)

Yeah level 1 is always overloaded.

LEVEL 2 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get access to Eldritch Invocations to improve their abilities, and you know what we still need? A proper ability to rip out people’s souls. Shame we won’t get that, but Grasp of Hadar will pull them closer and Lance of Lethargy will slow them for trying to escape their Test of Spirit. These invocations do stack (IE there’s no rule saying you can’t apply both at once) so you can theoretically pull someone 10 feet closer to you and make them 10 feet slower, resulting in 20 total feet of distance you’re gaining on them.

You can also learn another spell at this level and while there are plenty of good ones I’m going to suggest some Thornmail, or rather Armor of Agathys. The spell doesn’t require Concentration, gives you some bulk, and makes enemies think twice about hitting you. And it scales well too!

LEVEL 3 - WARLOCK 3

So how about we get something big to bonk our enemies with? Hello Pact of the Blade! In short you make a weapon in your hands to fight with, and I’d argue that a Maul is probably the closest to a big two-handed bludgeoning weapon.

I should mention that technically you need the Improved Pact Weapon invocation to be able to cast spells while you have a weapon in two hands, but you can get around this by using a component pouch instead of a focus. (And Illaoi seems the type to cast with squid organs.)

Oh and you can learn second level spells now! Spells like Earthbind to make sure your foes don’t take to the sky to escape the wrath of the ocean.

LEVEL 4 - WARLOCK 4

4th level Warlocks get an Ability Score Improvement so it’s time to invest in your main stat: Strength! What was that? Charisma? No no silly Warlocks use Strength obviously, so put +2 into that.

You also learn another spell at this level, and another cantrip! For your cantrip Mage Hand will let you summon a little tentacle for you to grab smaller things at a distance. As for leveled spells Ray of Enfeeblement will let you pack Exhaust for your foes, reducing their attack damage. It’s a bit of a dirty trick but Nagakabouros doesn’t fight fair.

(Artwork by ERDJIE on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 5 - WARLOCK 5

5th level Warlocks get another Invocation so guess what we’re taking? Yup: Eldritch Smite, pretty much a given whenever I make a Pact of the Blade build. This will let you slam your foes so hard that they fall over! I’m also going to suggest you replace Lance of Lethargy with Thirsting Blade, as by this point Grasp of Hadar is already pulling them close enough thanks to two Eldritch Blasts per turn.

You can also learn another spell at this level and remember when I said we’d take any spell with the name “Hadar” in the title? Hunger of Hadar lets you make an area pitch black and summon a bunch of tentacles in that area. Basically Hadar is this world’s Nagakabouros. "Bearded Lady, Nagakabouros, names don't matter! Action does."

LEVEL 6 - WARLOCK 6

At 6th level your tentacles finally have some lifesteal! And by lifesteal I mean defensive properties. Guardian Grasp lets you use your reaction to make a tentacle shield an ally from a hit, reduce the damage they would’ve taken from an attack by half. The tentacle can shield any ally within 10 feet of it, and it disappears after defending them. Note that this works for spells too, so if someone’s having their soul ripped out of them you can use your abilities to pull it right back in!

Additionally your servitude to the Bearded Lady grants you a Fathomless Soul for the ability to breathe underwater, a swimming speed, and resistance to Cold damage.

And finally you can learn another spell like the Unearthed Arcana spell Spirit Shroud. This spell will let you slow enemies that are near you and also do extra damage.

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 7

7th level Warlocks get another Invocation but there’s nothing that particularly interests me. May as well get Devil’s Sight in case you’re playing against a Nocturne.

You can also learn another spell at this level and hey look more tentacles!  Evard’s Black Tentacles is a subclass-specific spell that makes tentacles that can hold people down!

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 8

8th level Warlocks get another Ability Score Improvement: increase your Strength by 1 and your Constitution by 1, as those are your two main stats as a Warlock. Definitely.

You can also add another spell to your list, and while there are plenty of great choices I’d opt to rid yourself of the unworthy with Banishment.

(Artwork by Diazex on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 9

9th level Warlocks get access to another Eldritch Invocation, but again none of these are that particularly interesting so I suppose you could grab Otherworldly Leap for the Jump spell at will?

But you get access to another spell and if you need guidance from Nagakabouros then Commune with Nature will let you gather information to aid you to spread your faith.

Now (or ideally sometime before) would also probably be a good time to replace a lot of your old spells, so depending on your DM here’s some spells you should probably swap out, and what they should be swapped to:

Arms of Hadar (RIP tentacles) with Vampiric Touch (3rd level) for some lifesteal. (Enervation at the 5th level is also a decent alternative that works at range.)

Witch Bolt with Dimension Door (4th level) for a Teleport back to lane.

Earthbind with Synaptic Static (5th level) for a Leap of Faith against your foes. (By that I mean it’s my build and I like this spell.)

Ray of Enfeeblement with Cone of Cold (5th level) for another powerful AoE spell in a teamfight.

LEVEL 10 - WARLOCK 10

At 10th level Lurker in the Deep Warlocks can feed their god’s Devouring Maw. As an action you can create a 10 foot radius sphere centered on a point you can see within 60 feet. Each creature in that area must succeed on a Strength saving throw or be restrained. And then: teeth... this feels like Pyke’s thing. Regardless any creature that starts its turn in the area takes 3d6 cold / lightning damage (your choice.)

Restrained creature can try to get out on their action, and at the start of your turn if anyone is in the area you gain temporary hit points equal to your Warlock level. You can use this ability once per short or long rest, so essentially consider it like an extra spell that’s exclusive to you and your faith.

Speaking of extra spells you don’t get another spell known but your tentacles do more damage now: 2d8 to be exact. You also get another cantrip: Minor Illusion will let you summon more small ghost tentacles, except these ones don’t do anything except for fool the enemy into thinking they’ll have a fun laning phase.

LEVEL 11 - WARLOCK 11

11th level Warlocks get their 6th level Mystic Arcanum, which is a spell you can only use once per Long Rest. Basically it’s a regular spell slot, unlike your Warlock slots which come back on a short rest. Unfortunately there really aren’t a lot of Mystic Arcanum options, and the ones at level 6 aren’t spectacular. Circle of Death is probably the best even if the lore is a little iffy.

You can also add another Pact Magic spell to your list: many say that a Dream is a window into one’s soul, so messing with people’s dreams only makes sense for you to test their souls. Oh and you get a third spell slot for your Pact Magic! Yay!

LEVEL 12 - WARLOCK 12

12th level Warlocks get an Ability Score Improvement but I’m going to instead suggest the Resilient feat for Constitution, increasing your CON to a 14 and giving you proficiency in CON saves. Constitution is one of your main stats as a Warlock after all!

You also get another Eldritch Invocation and now it’s finally time for an invocation we will keep! Lifedrinker will let you add your Charisma modifier as damage to your weapon attacks. I know it’s such a weird thing for Warlocks to have since they rarely use Charisma, but it’s still useful!

(Artwork by sharrm on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 13 - WARLOCK 13

At level 13 you get your 7th level Mystic Arcanum. To test weak souls Power Word Pain will see how much they can take before they reach their limit. If a target is at 100 HP or less they are affected by crippling pain. Their speed can be no higher than 10 feet, they have disadvantage on attack rolls, ability checks, and saving throws (other than CON saves), and if the target tries to cast a spell, it must first succeed on a Constitution saving throw, or the casting fails and the spell is wasted.

A target suffering this pain can make a Constitution saving throw at the end of each of its turns. On a successful save, the pain ends. While this may seem weak this doesn’t require your concentration, and can set up for all your allies to break the nonbelievers.

You can also add another Pact Magic spell to your list like Elemental Bane. Here’s the trick: pick a damage type of your tentacles that your allies are also doing. This will make both them and your tentacles stronger!

LEVEL 14 - WARLOCK 14

14th level Lurker in the Deep Warlocks get their final ability, Unleash the Depths. As an action, you choose a point within 30 feet of you to summon a manifestation of Nagakabouros. You then have one of two options:

Transport. You and up to five willing creatures of your choice that you can see within 30 feet of the manifestation point are grasped by spectral tentacles and teleported to a point of your choice within 100 miles that you have visited within the past 24 hours.

Fury. You can direct a barrage of spectral tentacles to strike up to five creatures you can see within 30 feet of the manifestation point. Each target must make a Dexterity saving throw against your spell save DC. On a failed save, the creature takes 6d10 cold or lightning damage (your choice) and is knocked prone. On a successful save, it takes half as much damage and is not knocked prone. The tentacles then vanish.

You can only do this once per Long Rest, so you can essentially consider it another Mystic Arcanum of sorts.

LEVEL 15 - WARLOCK 15

15th level Warlocks get their 8th level Mystic Arcanum and to truly test one’s faith try Feeblemind. You choose a target to damage and force them to make an Intelligence save: if they fail their Intelligence and Charisma become 1 and they become unable to do most things that require thinking. (Detailed in the spell.) This spell lasts for thirty days unless healed by a specific spell, afterwards they can try to repeat the save.

But more importantly you get some more Invocations and sweet Bearded Lady we can finally get some good ones! Grab Witch Sight to know the truth behind one’s soul.

And you get one more Pact Magic spell like Sickening Radiance to exhaust the spirit... because it causes Exhaustion... the D&D status not the LoL Summoner Spell.

LEVEL 16 - WARLOCK 16

16th level means an Ability Score Improvement so it’s finally time to stop beating around the bush: get more Charisma so Lifedrinker is better. There really isn’t much other use for it.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 17 - WARLOCK 17

At 17th level you get your 9th level Mystic Arcanum; the strongest spell you can cast! When a soul is too weak to fight it must die: Power Word Kill will instantly kill a target with 100 health or less.

In addition you learn more Pact Magic: by this point your foes should truly Fear you (and the fact that I’m not allowed to take any spell that creates undead.) Yes most enemies by this point can resist fears, but on the bright side you finally have four spell slots for your other spells! (Or Smites.)

LEVEL 18 - WARLOCK 18

18th level Warlocks get their final Eldritch Invocation: Visions of Distant Realms will let you use the vision of the Bearded Lady to see across all of Runeterra... or at least as far as Arcane Eye lets you.

LEVEL 19 - WARLOCK 19

19th level Warlocks get our final Ability Score Improvement and yeah: Charisma for Lifedrinker... among other things.

And you get your final Pact Magic spell: take Hold Monster as the final option to keep an enemy down as you beat them into shape.

LEVEL 20 - WARLOCK 20

20th level Warlocks are Eldritch Masters. You can spend 1 minute praying to regain all your expended Pact Magic slots. Once you regain spell slots with this feature, you must finish a long rest before you can do so again.

...I mean yeah you could just spend an hour to Short Rest, but being able to get 4 more 5th level spell slots in just a minute could be useful! ...Maybe...

FINAL BUILD

PROS

They need wisdom; they don't need teeth - Even though you only have two attacks as a “casting” class you do plenty of damage thanks to Lifedrinker and your tentacles. (Assuming you’re using a Maul) you’re doing 4d6 + 10 bludgeoning, an extra 8 necrotic, and an extra 2d8 of Lightning or Cold damage with your Bonus Action. If you take the averages of those numbers you’re going to be doing about 44 damage per turn! Not to mention Eldritch Smites to truly break their spirits!

Blessed is motion - Your AC shouldn’t be terrible with Medium Armor, but the real strength is in Guardian Grasp. Being able to reduce the damage of an attack by half is universally useful. Above-average HP (thanks to a good CON mod) definitely helps too.

I am a teacher; Bilgewater will learn - Despite your weak mental stats you have a good amount of utility with proficiency in a number of skills and spells to gather information like Arcane Eye, Commune With Nature, and Dream. Not to mention Witch Sight which will see through any illusions or shapeshifting. This means you’re a fighter who can see through invisibility!

CONS

If I hate something, I destroy it - Illaoi is a big lady, and while her physical abilities may be strong her mental capabilities are a little lacking. Your Wisdom saves are fine enough thanks to Proficiency but your Intelligence and Dexterity saves are rather subpar, and as mentioned earlier your Ability Checks aren’t going to be great thanks to your low mental.

My god is not love; it is a kick in the pants - All the memeing I did in this build aside the focus on Strength over Charisma was probably not the brightest, especially considering that the hit chance of your tentacles is based on your Charisma. See if you can get Point Buy for this build instead to max out Strength and Charisma: Medium Armor was taken more for cosmetic than anything, and Heavy Armor would probably be a better choice. And of course feel free to take Charisma ASIs early if you think you need them.

Something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens - Truthfully while 9th level spells an extra invocations are nice this build would’ve probably benefited a lot more from some Fighter or Paladin levels to get a Fighting Style and subclass features. I built this build Warlock-exclusive partially for flavor and partially to show that melee Warlocks are possible outside of Hexblade, but 5 levels into Fighter or Paladin would get you Extra Attack (so you wouldn’t need Thirsting Blade) along with other class features. And starting as Fighter or Paladin would let you take armor proficiency too, so you wouldn’t need a feat for it! (You could grab something like Great Weapon Master instead!)

But here you have it: a level 20 Warlock build, a melee Warlock that isn’t Hexblade, a devout character with no Cleric levels, a Tasha’s build before Tasha’s comes out, and a powerful melee fighter with good use of their Bonus Action and plenty of utility through spellcasting. As long as you live life to its fullest and grab every combat by the reigns then Nagakabouros shall be pleased. Test the nonbelievers and strike at the heart of corruption! For it is her way... to get camped all game by the jungler... and still get double kills.

(Artwork by epimeral on DeviantArt)

[jbemin]

Cold Love

⇨ pairing: reader x skz Hyunjin

⇨ genre: fluff, friends to lovers

⇨ length: 5.3k

⇨ warnings: mentions of alcohol, a few cursewords, unrequited love (idk, maybe that’s a trigger for some people?)

⇨ summary: You have the longest crush on someone, but it doesn’t quite work the way out you would like it. But maybe that isn’t so bad after all? ⇨ a/n: the title is sort of a pun..👀 thank you for proofreading @marculees ♡

Sometimes you make a decision and just regret it, like a higher force in universe let it regrets you immediately. But sometimes you make a lot of decisions and it all goes well until, yeah until now.

I mostly don’t even know which of my many decisions lead me to this moment, but I certainly know who it was. Big surprise; me. To be fair here, not only me, but that’s a different story. My way of handling things was never quite the most intelligent, but a certain someone makes my knees wobble and my stomach flutter.

Thinking back, all this could’ve been avoided if Donghyun wasn’t on that party. Well, I should give more details, right? No one cares if I’m stupid or not, which is already a pretty well known fact huh.

But y’all gotta know that Donghyun is my crush since pretty much ever? I don’t know when it all started, but one time he looked in my direction and smiled at me and then I guess..yeah. Don’t question that. Starting from that point, he’s on my radar. Sadly I’m not on his, but that might change (or not).

However I directed myself and my best friend Hyunjin - I will come to him in a bit - to this party. It was one of those college parties where pretty much the whole house is full and you just roll with the flow from one room to the other. With so many drinks you can’t remember getting a new one, but always having a full cup in your hand.

Well, it was one of those parties - as I said already. And I was there, with Hyunjin - also already said that. He’s not only the oldest friend I have, but also the best. I don’t know where to start, maybe with his laugh? It’s so contagious and even if you’re sad, you just want to laugh with him and forget about the sadness that hugged you so tightly, just a second ago. The way his eyes crinkle up to half moons is another level of cute, I tell ya. But there are times, when I plan murder on him. But then I ask myself, if I murder him, who’s gonna take the dead body away with me, if he’s gone?

That said, back to the party. Everyone was having fun, when I sat on the couch, pouty lips and ready to leave at any second. But Hyunjin came over, tip toe dancing with two drinks in his hands. “Why are youuu soooo sulkyyy?”, he frowned at me and nipped from one of the cups, while holding the other one in front of my face. Instead of an answer I turned my head and pointed to the kitchen. A busy Donghyun stood there with a pretty brunette on his side, whispering nice things in her ear.

Hyunjins expression changed. He knew about my very personal drama of course and it was certainly not the first time I talked about it and was being frustrated about it. “If you just talked to him, you could be that girl on his side”, the conclusion sounded very simple, well it was pretty simple, but every time I tried talking to him I made a complete fool out of me. You know..I mean even more, than I normally do.

Next to me, a wasted Jisung let himself fall on the couch, putting his arm around my neck and his head on my shoulder. “Didn’t know you were here too, when did you come? I would have- have had a drink with you”, he giggled over his words and moved his head a bit forth and back, from that. “Not long, but I think I’m leaving anytime soon-”, but before I could finish my sentence by telling Jisung, he already had enough drinks, he interrupted me by asking why I wanted to leave so early. Hyunjin then answered - not without rolling his eyes - because of ‘him’, waving his head to the kitchen.

Jisung came up, looking in between us all and formed a silent ‘oh’. It was a well known fact that I had unrequited feelings for Donghyun and that I apparently liked it, to languish for him. Well, far away from truth. But today was my lucky day, according to my drunk friend. He jumped off the couch, grabbed the full cup and my wrist.

A few minutes later I found myself on the improvised dance floor, next to Jisung. Next thing I knew was that this boy spilled my whole drink over the poor girl and then looked after her, leaving into the bathroom. My drunk friend, however, didn’t leave without softly pushing me into the right direction.

Looking back, I should have know better that this wasn’t supposed to work out with him. Which normal dude, wouldn’t go after the girl he was talking all night long when someone spilled a whole drink on her? Even if you just want to get into her panties, that’s decent behavior.

But I was too busy caring about the situation I found myself in - sort of in Donghyuns arms, my heart beating faster than Hyunjin runs when I bring pizza. Not having enough alcohol into my body, to play it cool though. A whole mess. Thanks Jisung. “Are you okay? He pushed you pretty bad, that hurt for sure”, his eyes scanned me from head to toe. Wasn’t he so cute, asking how I felt? Right. “Uhm..I- no- I mean yes. No- I mean my arm hurts so I better leave”, the try to excuse myself this poorly, didn’t broke my neck for sure, but nearly my ankle.

He still had his arm around my waist and when I tried to escape, he turned me around, pinning his arm on the wall next to my head. “If you’re in pain, it’s my duty to take care of you.”, he whispered near my ear. Okay, everyone, this was the fuckboi handbook page 10 to 12, I am well aware of that, now. But don’t you dare telling me you would’ve acted different than me in this moment. So I stayed there, but we didn’t kiss. He got my number and that was how I entered hell.

However I was already planning on how we would get married and if we had two or three kids. You know the usual stuff you start to plan after giving out your number to a boy. I was lost. Lost on my own cloud 7. No idea how I got home, but when I messaged Hyunjin, he wasn’t too happy hearing that. After all I left him alone there. As a sorry, I suggested going to our favorite bakery. With me taking the bill. Well yeah, he was quite fond of that idea. He got so hungry and worn out after night outs. And maybe I knew that and that’s why I suggested it.

Finding myself on a little table at the corner of the cafe and a big latte in front of me, Minho the worker there, just brought me a piece of cake. I always got a little bonus from him, mostly because I took over his homework from time to time, but I liked to tell myself it was because he was ‘a nice guy’.

Few mins later, my taller friend stumbled into the shop. The door rang and he strolled over to me. No time wasting, he started whining how bad he felt. “It will be good - already ordered a big coffee for you”, I smiled and patted his back. He had his face smashed on the table and lied there dead. But he came up, as soon as I mentioned that coffee was on the way for him. With a smile, I took a slurp of my latte. “If you hadn’t- ah y/n you have- wait”, despite looking like a zombie, his face lightened up when he put his thumb on my lip, cleaning off the milk foam which was a leftover from my drink. “Stopppp-”, I softly pushed his hand away and laughed his antics off. As an answer he frowned at me, putting on a blank expression. He really liked to baby me, I suppose.

After the meet up, some unimportant time passed - maybe a few days - until I got a message. Not only a message, but the message. ‘Hey’, my heart jumped at the unknown number, that could only be one person. Nervous sweat broke out and I started running around the house, driving Hyunjin crazy. Who chilled on the couch, playing whatever game. “Just answer”, he yelled from there, followed by a curse, when he got shoot. Boys. I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t just answer.

An unplanned long time of waiting later, I got another message though. My dumbfounded face, spoke volume and so my best friend grabbed the phone just to fall over the next second from laughing. “Can you send me the homework for physics? Minho gave me your number”, he read out loud wheezing. Ouch, straight through my heart. I groaned in mistreatment.

I was just about to hold a speech about how unfair this was and how Hyunjin was a very bad best friend at the very moment, when my phone vibrated again. “Maybe that’s someone from your biology course this time”, he held his stomach in pain. I glanced daggers at my friend for that comment, when a surprised “Oh” came out of my mouth. Unknown number, but this time it wasn’t a request for homework. ‘are you free? lets meet on Friday after school’, well I am not lying when I said that I screamed. Hyunjin was back on rolling his eyes, while I answered a ‘sure’, followed by an uncool ‘:)’.

The time until said Friday was a never ending circle of panic and terror. I was so afraid for the meeting, that I completely forgot how to function like a normal person. Once the day had come I ran around like being under electricity. My nervousness reached another peak. So while I waited in front of the hall where our meet up point was, I spammed Hyunjin with sos messages. But he didn’t answered to my despair.

“Hey”, a male voice snapped me back and I threw my phone in the air. Not without looking like a dork, when attempting to catch it. Donghyun laughed at me, “chill haha”, he rescued my phone and handed it back to me. Casually dropping an arm around my shoulder and directing me to whichever place. I only remember that we had something to eat and that he paid. Such a gentleman.

He offered to bring me home, but it wasn’t even dark yet, so why the fuss. I thanked him for the day and to my fears and panic he went in for a kiss. Phew, yet another high for my nerves that day, for sure. But I managed to fend off the kiss and turned it into a gentle hug. Leaving without further actions. Silly me.

Once I was far enough away I called Hyunjin. “Hmh?”, he sounded sleepy, which caught me off guard. His behavior was well known to me and taking random naps, wasn’t part of it. “Did you- did I woke you up?”, my bewildered voice let him groan in frustration. He hated to explain obvious things to me. “No, it’s like 7pm. However, what’s the issue?”, my best friend scratched his head. Of course I couldn’t see it, but I knew it - I didn’t had to see it. “We have to meet, like now. Already on the way to you. So put some pants on.”, I said, pressing the red button and ending the phone call, before he could complain. Surely that wasn’t the best way to give Hyunjin happiness, but it was needed.

A grumpy, messy haired, in sweatpants and hoodie wearing, tall and pale boy opened the door to me. He looked down at me with a surly expression. “You look awful..”, I concluded and invited myself in without asking for permission. Like as if I had to. “Glad that I am not the only here, otherwise this would be really awkward”, walking to his room and right into his bed I followed him. Having a certain feel, he mostly spend the day there, at least the choice of his clothes fit that thought. Usually Hyunjin was more of the stylish type.

Hushing back under the sheets, he shivered and put them tighter around him. To me the room didn’t seemed cold. “Why are you here?”, he mumbled, blue sheets covering his mouth. Geez, now I had to tell him everything. So awkward.

Carefully listening and silently nodding however, Hyunjin didn’t seemed satisfied. “Why didn’t you kiss him? It was like the perfect chance, or not?”, the usually energetic young man, sounded so sleepy that I was convinced by now, he spend the whole night gaming and just didn’t wanted to admit that. We both were well aware, that would lead to me calling him a kid, which he hated. Ironic, really, when he was the one who always babied me.

It was time for the truth now, wasn’t it? But before confessing, I had to properly take care of him. I hissed a ‘wait’, before jumping off the bed. Running into the kitchen and preparing a heat pillow and tea. Finally I turned the heater on in his room, even though the sun was shining outside. “I never kissed someone before, or got kissed”, the nervous laugh followed by that statement was so untypical me, I gulped. It was that serious, huh.

Silence. So much silence. “And? Change that then. His lips waiting for ya”, pulling the sheets over him, I had trouble understanding Hyunjin. “Heeey, no, it’s not that easy. What if I accidentally bite him”, I jumped dramatically on the large lump in front of me and started whining, as so often when I wanted to get something from him. There certainly was a reason why I paid him a visit.

A deep sigh came off my friends throat, “You’re so annoying. It’s just a kiss”. Now, I climbed over him and sat on his body. “Yes, exactly, that’s why I am here. I am in need of someone’s help and since you’re my best friend, you’re the lucky one who was chosen to fulfill this important task.”, the way I worded myself, he probably already knew I wanted something off him and by the story before, he also knew what.

“No”, he simply answered, still under the sheets. Frankly, I expected a more dramatic reaction, but he was so calm about it, that I was surprised. “What do you mean no? It’s just a kiss. Your words”, I said and crossed my arms in front of my chest. A little argument then started, of reasons on whether to do it or not to do it.

“Hyunjin you’re my best friend. If not you, then who will do it?”, I begged so hard, why was he so stubborn, gosh. “And I said no, accept that. I am not kissing you.”, he answered again. Answer still the same like ten minutes before. I pulled the sheets away from him and looked in his face. I demanded an answer. “y/n look at me. Did you even noticed that I wasn’t in school today? Not answering my phone? I’ve been sleeping the whole day. Temperature was 39° earlier. I have one hell of a cold. Maybe you would have noticed that I am not well, if you weren’t so focused on mister Donghyun here.”

Now I was the one rolling my eyes, “Is that all? I’ll risk that and don’t be such a bitch. I made you tea and a heat pillow.” Maybe I purposely ignored the last sentence, cuz it lowkey hurt, but that was a thought for a different day. “Fiiiine, then”, now he came up and without a warning I fell off him, to the side.

Hyunjin loosened his hoodie and straightened his bedhead a bit, brushing lose hair back. “Do you want an invitation or will you come here?”, the tone of his voice was a mixture of annoyance, frustration and something else, maybe anger. But that snapped me back into reality.

I climbed back and before it got serious, I did the same as him; brushing my hair back and pulling my jacket off. “What are you doing?”, Hyunjin unintentionally started laughing, but I just rolled my eyes. It seemed like he forgot, that unless him, I wasn’t sick and the heater wasn’t doing so well for me. Also I needed some freedom and space for my nervousness.

“Close your eyes”, he ordered, when I sat down. Was he making fun of me? It seemed like that. Really, I couldn’t help myself and instead starred at him like Bambi in the forrest. Why did he made that so awkward? Damn it Hyunjin. But I finally did what he had ordered.

After a few seconds of nothing, I could feel his hand on my face, putting a strain of hair behind my ear. I softly smiled - thoughtful as always of course. Then he put his hand on my cheek and I felt his warm breath on my skin, coming closer and closer. Till his lips touched mine. Without planning to do it, I automatically leaned in and adjusted to him and his proportions. Eyes closed the whole time.

Even though it was a really soft kiss and Hyunjin wasn’t really moving or anything, I clearly felt everything that happened. When backing off after what it felt a few minutes and dead silence, I opened my eyes again. “You still have fever”, I concluded when I felt the heat, his heat, slowly getting away from me and leaving my face. But I could still feel his embrace around me.

“And you didn’t bite me”, a smirk started to form on his face and I hit him lightly on the arm because of that. A laugh by me followed.

I stayed a bit after that, infact we starting watching a movie but Hyunjin fell asleep after ten minutes. Yup, he was really feeling unwell. So I silently shut everything down and re-heated the pillow for him and placed an extra blanket over the one he already had. Now I could leave in peace, right? Hyunjin laid so softly there, mouth half open and snoring a little bit, his hair fell into his face. I surely could leave. Okay, so now I was ready to get my real first kiss, this was just practice. Frankly, this is a good moment to look back and ask myself ‘what was I even thinking?’. But there is yet more to come. Past that experience I made up another meeting with Donghyun. To my displeasure, he didn’t try to kiss me. Such a gentleman, after seeing I wasn’t comfortable yet, he gave me time. However, I could not leave it that way, so I planned another ‘date’. Hm, I wasn’t even sure if these met-ups could even be considered a date, but be it. Next Saturday. Within the week, I made sure that Hyunjin was alright though. There was a check-up on him everyday. Mostly he was sleeping and I was just there and watched him, well, watching over him. At one point he had to clean himself up, hence taking a shower. Of course I wasn’t in the room with him, but waited in front of it and ensured he didn’t faint or something. “Don’t hurt yourself on Saturday”, with a smile I put a towel on his head and lightly brushed over his hair, drying it off. While Hyunjin sat silently on the toilet seat and just let it happen. “Why would I hurt myself?”, he asked, looking at the ground. “Because I am not here to take care of you”, I giggled and put the towel down. When the big day came, I will admit that, I extra dressed fancier than usual. It was like my favorite outfit, but with a bit of make up and not the usual pair of sneaker, it was suited for a ‘date’ as well. Not gonna lie, but my mood was so good and nothing was able to change that. Well, turned out one thing was. My phone vibrated, a message from Donghyun was incoming. ‘oomf just told me about this party, wanna go there instead?’, the real answer was the hell no, but I typed a ‘sounds fun, yeah’ instead. So then not much later I found myself on this big ass party with people I barely or never seen before, my partner for the night nowhere to be seen. He probably needed to get ready and was on this way - at least that was what I told myself. Standing at the side with a drink in the hand, I wasn’t alone for long. “y/n what are you doing here? Did not expected to see a familiar face”, Jisung stumbled over to me and seemed genuinely surprised to see me here. “I’m here with Donghyun..I think”, shrugging my shoulders and sounding off, I doubted if I was believing my own words and so did my friend. “Donghyun? He just left together with a girl, there”, pointing to the door, Jisung gave me a pitiful look. What. It was clear what to do here. Brushing off my drunk pal and through the mob of people, I ran out the door to get him. He, and I won’t repeat myself, won’t do that to me and think he can get away with it. The fresh and cold air outside felt so odd, compared to the hot and warm people inside, on top with the sticky and smelly air. But then I seen him, holding hands with a girl. Blond haired and wiggling around his side. And now I was really asking myself what the hell lead me to this situation and what I should do. The urge to hurt him like he did to me, was so big, I felt it consuming me and the more and more I started to see red. Storming over to him, I yelled his name. Big, innocent, puppy eyes, he blinked at me, “ ’cuse me?”. “You are not excused. Do you remember me? Your date.”, the only thing missing to complete the full look of a clown, was the make up now. Given, I would probably cry after this, so that look wasn’t far away. Either way, for now I had my arms crossed and glared knifes, swords and guns at him. Donghyun seemed to remember me now, but I wasn’t sure if that was a win or not. “Dating involves kissing. Don’t wish too much”, he said with a grin, putting his arm around the clueless girl next to him. Dang that hurt. “I limited myself to only humans to kiss and not octopuses that have their hands everywhere. Don’t you wish too much”, yeah I know that counterattack sucked, but I was hurt and bad at these things anyway. But at least it seemed as if he was confused by my words. He glanced to the girl next to him, with a bewildered look on his face. “Have fun kissing her then”, wow, that felt like power. Not for long, but I felt really sassy and cool. Sadly the next sentence of him, changed that. “Thank you, we already had.”, a presumptuous wink of him let me nearly threw up - sometimes the less you know was indeed the better - which was interesting since I hadn’t even touched much alcohol this night. My cup was still more than half full. To his misfortune, I might add. Without further thoughts and doings, I emptied the cup in my hand over him. A mix of brown and black splashed over him and the girl jumped to the side with a disgusted look on her face. Soaking wet, Donghyun looked like he couldn’t believe what just had happened. I smiled like the fool I was and winked back, before turning around and leaving the pair alone. Of course I wasn’t returning to this hell place of a party. No, there was only one way to go and that was straight towards Hyunjin. Not gonna lie, but I felt very strong for not crying on my way to him. But once there and after he let me in, the gates were open and tears, or rather little waterfalls, were running down my face. I crashed onto him and complained to him about my suffering and the pain I just had experienced. Backing off from him, a sad smile started to form on my face though. I cried a smiley on his shirt with my tears. Looking at what I just did, that actually lead me to a realization. “Why are you dressed? You are sick and should be in bed.”, my voice sounded weak and nasal, I was truly not in the position to give any commands right now. Yet I did. He actually looked very chic, sweatshirt, leather jacket and black jeans. Hair was nicely done and styled. “I was about to leave for a party, till you interrupted me”, he answered sourly. “Oh, sorry”, I wiped my own tears away and turned around to leave him then. “Wait- where are you going?”, Hyunjin looked at me with a confused, yet angry look. “Home? If you want to leave, then I won’t bother you. It’s okay”, said the girl who spend ten minutes crying in the chest of her best friend, over a boy who treated her like a clown. Yup, sounds about legit. “No, stay here, it makes it actually easier if you’re already here..”, huh what was he even talking about? But after he kicked his shoes off, I walked after him into his room. I felt like there was a detail I was missing out here. Still sniffling from my emotional outburst. Weirdly enough I forgot about that, because right now Hyunjin was more confusing - which said a lot. A glance at one of the clocks in his room, told me it was close to 1am and maybe that was reason he was acting so unusual. “You should really sleep. It’s not good for you to be up so late, especially when being sick”, I watched him, taking his jacket off and feeling tired myself I was one to speak. “I don’t know why you’re even planning on attending a party, when you’re sick, with fever. I mean, you should really take better care of you.”, rambling mode was definitely activated. “You’re hopeless dumb.”, my best friend brushed through his hair, ruining the perfect fit of it. Of course Hyunjin was right, but why was he telling me that now? As if I didn’t knew that already. Donghyun was an asshole and if I had trusted my guts or well, the obvious more, than this wouldn’t had happened in the first place. I sank down on his bed, closed my eyes and hugged my knees, “I know”. Once closing my eyes and being in this familiar environment, I remembered the feel of his lips on mine again. Wait a second- he was leaving for a party. My party? “Did you wanted to look after me?”, opening my eyes, I let myself fall back on his bed, starring at the ceiling of his room. “Maybe”, now I heard how he changed his clothes. Hyunjin was stupid enough to think I would believe he was interested in really leaving his bed or even house, for a party, when feeling like shit. He wasn’t attending any of his courses this week and I looked for him everyday. But there was more behind it. “Sorry for being so selfish and careless with you.”, I then said, without a warning. Now he stopped changing his clothes and I knew he looked at me, thinking about what to say and how to answer this. But he said something, sadly I couldn’t hear it. Already in land of dreams, this was impossible. However, this isn’t the end of the story. I woke up a few hours later, room dark and wrapped up in a blanket. A shadow next to me, Hyunjin for sure. I poked him lightly, but he continued snoring. “I am dumb for thinking Donghyun was really interested in me and for the kiss thing too. I should have listened to you”, I sighed deeply and changed my position in bed. Hyunjin was so nice to take my shoes off, but the rest of my outfit was like before. So I fumbled with my jacket. It was too hot, really. Well lying there in the darkness and talking to myself, I didn’t really expected an answer after all, but after getting one it wasn’t much surprising that my heart stopped beating for a bit. “You’re right, but it is how it is.”, Hyunjins husky voice echoed through the room, followed by a little scream by me and then laughter by him. “How dare you-”, I hit, how I believed, his shoulder and he laughed even more. God, this was so embarrassing, even for our relationship. “You never told me how the kiss was. Did I bite you?”, he then asked out of the blue and what should I say? Thanks to the darkness, he couldn’t see me. “Uhm..it was..ahh I don’t have any other examples to compare you to, so how can I judge it?”, the warmth on my face wandered down my other body parts now. This was new, guess the embarrassment reached, once again, another level. “But you can tell me if you liked it or not”, Hyunjin hesitated saying this. Oh well, my head snapped to the side. Of course I couldn’t see his face, but I had to make sure he was lying there and just had said that. “I did”, whispering silently, my voice was so small and my body so hot, I felt like exploding at any second. Him taking my hand in his, wasn’t helping at all to my condition. “Do you uhh..want another one so you can compare them with each other?”, was my best friend serious at this point? Despite everything I started laughing out loud. “You can’t compare kisses from the same person Hyunjin”, a wide smile broke out on my face. “Only making sure, your horizons are expanded“, this excuse, wow. Just, wow. Lifting my and then his blanket up, I inched closer to him and rested my head against him. I only made the dumbest of decisions, so this here could only lead to a better ending, right? And even if not, I already got the worst cold ever, so exactly how much down could it get. At least Hyunjin now knew how it felt to kiss someone with fever. “And?”, he asked and certainly knew for a fact what I was thinking. “I already told you, you can’t compare kisses from the same person with each other. Both was the same.”, I closed my eyes and smiled to myself, snuggling closer. He put his arms around me and pressed me against him. Can’t really say I didn’t liked that. For sure he was on his way to the same party to look after me and the reason he didn’t wanted to kiss me, certainly wasn’t his fever. Though I wish I had listened to him. This cold was nasty and it had only started. However, I had such a feel that there was someone who liked to take care of me. Perhaps my boyfriend.

[thebuckblogimo]

The Faja Essays.

May 22, 2020

We have all met people along the way who have influenced our lives. If I were to do a “top ten” of those who influenced mine, Garry Faja, my high school buddy who died last summer, would be high on the list. The son of working class parents whose father emigrated from Poland and repaired machinery at the Rouge plant, Garry went on to become the President and CEO of St. Joseph Mercy Health System. Recently, I and four or five of Garry’s friends and former healthcare profession colleagues were asked to write essays for a book about him being compiled by a friend from his grad school days at U-M. It is intended to be a keepsake for Garry’s only child. I was honored to be asked to contribute stories about Garry’s early life. Because several people who follow this space knew him well, I’ve posted the portion I wrote below:

First Impressions.

I had heard of Garry when he was an eighth-grader during the 1960-61 school year at St. Barbara’s grade school, near Schaefer and Michigan in East Dearborn. I was also in the eighth grade, attending St. Alphonsus school, just a mile or two to the north. Garry and I both had neighborhood reputations as athletes at our respective schools.

St. Al’s, however, had a much more successful CYO sports program than St. Barbara’s. We won our divisional football championship in the fall, going undefeated; we won our divisional basketball championship in the winter, going undefeated again; and we were 6 and 0 in the league in baseball that spring when we played Garry’s St. Barbara team on a sunny May afternoon at Gear Field.

That’s when--BAM--it happened: “Down go the Arrows…down go the Arrows…to Dearborn St. Barbara’s.” An old news clip from The Michigan Catholic, a popular weekly newspaper in those days, included the following snippet about CYO baseball that spring: “Dearborn St. Barbara’s came through with the upset of the week by knocking off St. Alphonsus, 11-8. St. Alphonsus still holds first place in the Southwest Division with a 6-1 mark.”

Neither Garry nor I could ever recall how either one of us performed on the field that day. We did recall, however, that we both looked forward to joining forces and playing sports together in high school. St. Barbara did not have a high school; St. Alphonsus did. Garry had long planned to enroll for his freshman year (1961-62) at St. Al’s, where his brother had been a track star, one of the top high school hurdlers in the state.

When we began high school in the fall of ‘61, I recall standing in the middle of the playground with my close friend Anthony Adams, along with Sam Bitonti and Patrick Rogers. I remember looking over to Calhoun, the side-street on which the high school was located, and noticed a small procession of cars dropping off new students from St. Barbara’s: twins Jim and Mike Keller, Sue Hudzik, Margo Tellish (Garry’s grade school girlfriend) and the “big fella” himself.

At the urging of Garry’s mother, Jim, Mike and Garry wore white shirts to school that day. “The boys” and I, on the other hand, wore multi-colored shirts (mine was purple), skinny ties, tight pants and pointed shoes. Looking like “the Sharks” from West Side Story, we approached the new kids, welcomed them to St. Al’s and shook their hands.

I’ve long thought that the way we were each dressed that day—Garry in his white button-down, me in my bold attire—portended the essence of what we would ultimately take away from each other at the completion of high school: for me, a determination to go about things the right way; for him, a touch of edginess.

The Person. The Scholar. The Athlete.

I never knew anyone who didn’t like Garry Faja. Unless, that is, you count a hulking bruiser by the name of “Bucyk” from Ashtabula, who elbowed our buddy Tony Adams in the chest and tried to intimidate us on the street at Geneva-on-the-Lake, Ohio. (Thank God we talked our way out of that one.) Otherwise, all the guys, girls, parents, nuns and coaches of the St. Al’s community loved Garry. He commanded respect on every level—for his heart, his intelligence, his athletic prowess.

Garry was a born leader. Despite being the “new guy,” he made such a good early impression in high school that he was elected president of the freshman class. He was a member of the student council all four years. And he was elected president of our senior class.

Garry was an excellent student, a member of the National Honor Society. He was neither class valedictorian--that was Lorraine Denby--nor the salutatorian--that was my girlfriend, Leslie Klein—but he had an extraordinary ability to “figure things out,” enabling him to excel at algebra, trigonometry, chemistry, the sciences. Moreover, he was highly disciplined. He had what our parents called “stick-to-it-tive-ness,” and it served him well at everything he did.

Garry was an organizer, a strategic thinker, who rallied for increased student attendance and crowd participation at high school games, involvement in a big-brother/big-sister-type mentoring program by seniors for freshmen, as well as causes he believed in. For example, it was Garry, with support from senior class leaders such as Larry Fitch, Vince Capizzo, Tony Adams and myself who compiled a list of “Ten Demands” that were presented to the school principal, Sister Marie Ruth, on behalf of the Class of ’65. It was, essentially, a protest against what we perceived to be unreasonable rules and disciplinary actions created by the priests and nuns of St. Alphonsus: single-file lines and “no talking” during change of class; locked school doors on sub-zero mornings during winter; mandatory daily Mass attendance, etc.

It was a daring, out-of-the box challenge to religious authority for a bunch of Catholic high school kids in those days. Predictably, our demands went nowhere and we were disciplined by having to stay inside the school for two weeks during recess, and, ironically, forbidden to attend daily Mass for two weeks. (The nuns showed us, I guess.)  

Sometimes I wonder whether our youthful backlash, with Garry at the forefront, was an early tip-off to the kind of student thinking that morphed into the free-speech movement and anti-war protests that developed on college campuses across the country a year or two later.

As highly as Garry is remembered as a person and leader by St. Al’s Class of ’65, he is recalled by “old Arrows” for his basketball playing ability. He was a starter on the JV squad from day one of his freshman year. However, it took just a few weeks for the coaches to realize that he was talented enough to help the varsity. In Coach Dave Kline’s last year at St. Alphonsus, Garry was moved up to the varsity where he became “sixth man,” before being designated a starter at mid-season. That was big stuff, really big stuff, for a freshman at our school.

So what kind of player was Garry?

A mini-version of former U-M standout Terry Mills, in my estimation. He was a shade under 6’2” tall…thick-skinned…had a nice 15-foot jump shot…and an ability to use his derriere to “get position” under the basket. Any former St. Al’s player would tell you that Garry had game and a distinctive way of gliding up and down the court. For some reason, he also suffered severely sprained ankles more often than any other young athlete I have ever known.

Garry and I were starters together for three years under Coach Ron Mrozinski and were elected co-captains as seniors. Garry once said, “Lenny, we gotta be the team’s one-two punch.” I had speed and quickness, often stealing the ball at mid-court, and would dump it off to Garry who could be counted on to fill the lane. If he came up with the ball after the other team turned it over, I was to beat my man and streak toward the basket, expecting to receive the ball from Garry. We pulled that stuff off dozens of times each year. But we never realized our dream of winning the Catholic League’s A-West Division title and competing in the Catholic League tournament at the U-D Memorial Building (now called Calihan Hall).

However, Garry was named to the Dearborn Independent’s all-city basketball team after his senior season in 1965, a particularly special honor when you consider that St. Al’s had an enrollment of just 450 students, while most other first-teamers and “honorable mentions” on the all-city squad came from Class A schools with enrollments approaching 2,000 (Fordson, Dearborn High and Edsel Ford).

Happy Days at Camp Dearborn.

It was prime time for Dearborn during the early-to-mid ‘60s. The city had idyllic neighborhoods, spilling over with kids from the baby boom generation. The Ford Rouge plant was pumping out record numbers of vehicles, including an all-new “pony car” called the Mustang. And it owned Camp Dearborn (in Milford, 30-35 miles away), over 600 acres of rolling land with several man-made lakes, devoted to the recreational interests of Dearborn residents.

One of Camp Dearborn’s attractions was a narrow tract of land along the Huron River, designated for tent camping by teenagers. Dubbed “Hobo Village,” it was “chaperoned”—if you want to call it that--by a couple of disinterested college kids who worked day jobs, cleaning up the camp, and who lived in their own tent on the river.  As 15-year-olds in the summer of ’62, Garry and I got our first taste of independence when we camped there together for a week.

We set up a large tent, with two cots inside, that my Dad had purchased at a garage sale. We hung a Washington Senators pennant to decorate its interior. And we subsisted on Spam and eggs that we cooked in a Sunbeam electric fry pan (we had access to electricity) that my Mom let us borrow.

Every evening we’d cross the camp on foot en route to the Canteen for the nightly dances. We’d get “pumped” every time we heard “Do You Love Me” by the Contours playing in the distance. Our goal, of course, was to meet “chicks,” and we attended the dances for seven straight nights. However, I don’t recall that we ever met a girl. Or even mustered the courage to ask one to dance.

But that all changed in the summer of ’63.

Camp Dearborn had another, larger camping area for families called “Tent Village,” featuring hundreds of tents built of canvas and wood, set on slabs of concrete, each equipped with a shed-like structure that housed a mini refrigerator, mini stove and shelves for storing staples. The mother of our classmate, Patty O’Reilly, agreed to chaperone a tent full of St. Al’s girls, next to the O’Reilly family tent, while Tony’s mother, Mrs. Adams, agreed to chaperone a tent full of boys, next to the Adams family tent.

Tony, Vince Capizzo, Larry Fitch, Dennis Belmont, Garry and I occupied one tent. Our girlfriends occupied the other. Much to my amazement, my parents allowed me to take their new, 1963 Pontiac Bonneville coupe to camp for the week. So we had everything we needed—hot chicks, a hot car, rock ‘n’ roll, the dances and secret “make out” spots in the camp (Garry’s girlfriend at the time was a cute blonde St. Al’s cheerleader, Donna Hutson). It all made for perhaps the happiest days of our teenage lives.

And we did it all over again in the summer of ’64.

During both years we were involved in shenanigans galore: We threw grape “Fizzies” into the camp’s swimming pool…we switched out a hamburger from Vince’s hamburger bun and replaced it with a Gainsburger (dog food)…and one afternoon we took my Dad’s Bonneville out to a lonely, two-lane country road, just outside of General Motors’ proving grounds in Milford, where we floored the accelerator and topped out somewhere north of 100 mph. It scared the shit out of us when we hit a bird in mid-flight that splattered all over the windshield. Thank God for laminated safety glass. Thank God we lived to tell the tale.

Which brings me to the “edgy” side of the teenage Garry Faja.

Stupid Stuff We Did.

When Garry came to St. Al’s, my circle of friends became his circle of friends. And an eclectic group it was. Some were college bound kids. Some were mischievous pranksters. A few were borderline juvenile delinquents. None of us, including Garry, were immune to peer pressure. Consequently, we did some pretty stupid things. Here are a few examples:

The Toledo Caper--On a snowy Friday night after a basketball game during our sophomore year in high school, Garry, Jim “Bo” Bozynski and I trudged down Warren Avenue in our letter jackets, headed for Bo’s house, with the intention of ordering a pizza.

It was, perhaps, ten o’clock at night as we crossed the field in front of Bo’s home on Manor in five-inch-deep snow. As we looked ahead, Bo surmised that because the house looked dark, his parents were already in bed and likely asleep. That’s when he hatched a plan:

Bo proposed to enter the back door of his house, go to the kitchen and retrieve the keys to the Bozynski’s ’58 Mercury sedan. Then, he, Garry and I would quietly open the garage door, push the Merc down the snow-covered driveway and out to the street, where we would start the car…and head for Toledo.

Neither Garry nor I objected to the idea. Ultimately, the plan worked to perfection.

However, we were just 15 years old and had not yet obtained our driver’s licenses. Plus, Bo grabbed a bottle of Bali Hai wine that he had stashed in the garage. And, the snow kept falling…then turned to rain. We drove through slop and glop on Telegraph Road, made it to I-75 and took turns at the wheel between gulps of cheap wine as the windshield wipers labored to clear the mounting sleet piling up on the windshield.

I was sitting in the back seat, the bottle of Bali at my side, when the car slid out of control in the middle of the southbound freeway, somewhere in the downriver area. I don’t recall whether it was Bo or Garry who was driving at the time. But I do recall that the car made a 360, sliding across two lanes of freeway, before coming to an abrupt stop in a snow bank on the side of the road.

We got out of the car. No one had hit us. Miraculously, we had not hit anyone or anything. There was no damage to the Bozynski’s family car. That’s when three stupid teenagers got back into the vehicle, reversed course, headed for Dearborn, killed the engine as we turned into the Bozynski’s driveway, silently pushed the Merc back into the garage, and turned in for the night at Bo’s.

No one was ever the wiser.

The Speeding Ticket—Both Garry’s parents and mine were strict disciplinarians when it came to girls and dating, but they rarely said no whenever we asked to borrow the car. We had already turned 16 when on a beautiful June day we took a bus downtown, filled out some paperwork (or maybe took a test) and obtained our drivers’ licenses. My Dad used his old ’58 Chrysler to get to work that day and let me have the Bonneville for our use when I got home. So, Garry, Larry and I jumped in the car and headed to Rouge Park for some joy riding. As usual, we disconnected the speedometer and took the “breather” off the carb so that the exhaust would make a throatier sound when we put the pedal to the medal. When we got to the park, I turned the wheel over to Garry. It was not as though he ordinarily had a heavy foot, but he did that day. I doubt that Garry was at the wheel for more than a few minutes when he spotted the red flasher of a Detroit cop car in the rear-view mirror. We pulled over. The policeman was all business…and gave Garry a ticket for speeding. Garry’s parents were furious that afternoon when he got home and explained what had happened. Garry went to court and lost his license for 30 days.

The Stolen Cadillac--It was a beautiful summer evening and we were playing our usual game of pick-up basketball in the alley between Tony’s house and Schaefer Lanes. As I recall, four of us were just shooting around—Garry, Tony, Butch Forystek and me. Someone looked up and noticed that a 1963 Cadillac Coupe de Ville had turned off the side-street, Morross, and was slowly making its way up the alley. It stopped in front of us. Our pals, Joe McCracken and Gary “the Bear” Pearson, jumped out of the car. Turns out that the Caddy had been parked in front of a store, with the keys in the ignition. Joe and Bear got in, fired up the Caddy, and drove it to Tony’s. Then we all got in, took turns driving the car, and went to M&H gas station to buy Coke and chips. For reasons unknown, Joe and Bear unlocked the trunk of the car. Underneath the rear deck lid were piles of pressed clothes on hangers in plastic bags, apparently for delivery by someone who owned a dry-cleaning establishment. Also, there was a narrow envelope atop the pile of clothes. Someone opened it. Much to our amazement it contained over $200 in cash. We all got back into the car and headed for a cruise down Woodward Avenue. We stopped along the way at a sporting goods store to buy a new basketball. On northbound Woodward, as it passes over Eight Mile Road in Detroit, Butch grabbed a handful of cash and threw it out the window. (It seemed hilarious at the time.) Garry and I each took a five-dollar bill, reasoning that keeping such a paltry sum would not be considered a “mortal sin.” After taking turns doing “neutral slams” at red lights, we turned the car around, headed back to Tony’s, and continued playing basketball while Joe and the Bear ditched the car. 

Again, no one was ever the wiser.  

The Shotgun Incident—It was a crisp fall afternoon. Garry and I were hanging out with Tony in his parents’ basement, while Mr. and Mrs. Adams were away, attending some sort of event. Tony knew where Mr. Adams, a bird hunter, stored his shotgun, and proceeded to take it out to show us. There were also a few boxes of shells next to the gun. Tony informed us that his Dad owned a large piece of vacant property in an area that was known as Canton Township at the time. Knowing that his folks would not be home for several hours, we took the shotgun, a box of shells and placed it in the trunk of Mrs. Adams’ Ford Falcon. Off we went to the property in Canton. To hunt sparrows. Tony had seen his father load the gun. Otherwise, none of us had ever had any training in the proper handling of firearms. We knew enough to stand behind the guy with the shotgun in his hands. We took turns shooting into the trees. And bagged a couple of small birds. We eventually returned to Tony’s and put the shotgun away. 

Yet again, no one was ever the wiser.

How The 53-Game Streak Started.

Most people know that Garry and I attended 53 straight Michigan-Michigan State football games together—whether in Ann Arbor or East Lansing—from 1965 to 2017. In fact, when the streak ended, we had been in-stadium for 48 percent of the Michigan-Michigan State games ever played.

Prior to the 2018 game, however, Garry determined that he would not be able to negotiate the steep ramps to the second deck of Spartan Stadium due to his failing knees. So, for the first time in our lives—since the days of black and white TV--we watched the game together on the tube. Here is the seemingly unremarkable way a renowned tradition began…plus a closing thought:

As I remember it, Tony Adams, Garry and I were sitting in my bedroom on a hot, steamy, mid-August afternoon, making future plans as we counted down the days to the beginning of our respective college careers. Tony would be going off to Western Michigan University as a business major. Garry would be attending U-M, majoring in engineering. While I planned to attend MSU to study journalism.

We had been athletes. Competitors to the core. Garry and I knew that our respective schools would rarely, if ever, be playing Western, but we certainly understood that he and I would be butting heads in the future, pulling for opposing teams in the Big Ten Conference every year. So, in a spirit of friendship, we mutually decided to get together every fall to attend the Michigan-Michigan State football game until one of us died.

It was as simple as that.

But when I think back to that muggy August afternoon when we made our pact, it seems a metaphor for all the goals, hopes and dreams we so often talked about between the games, joy rides, dances, pranks, parties and school projects we collaborated on at St. Al’s from 1961 to 1965. I often think, for example, about how Garry and I worked alternate days at my uncle’s store, from the spring of our junior year until the fall of our senior year, and shared tips and insights into how we each did our jobs—long before anyone ever used the term “best practices”--so that we could be the best damn stock boys my uncle ever had. As I hinted earlier, I will always be grateful to Garry for making a lasting contribution to my determination to do things the right way in life. And I’d like to think that Garry thought well of my tendency to “push the envelope” on the things I attempted, and that maybe I made a contribution to the release of his creative potential.     

Miss you, Big Guy.

[briars7]

💉Fine Fellow for a Faux Friend #4💉

Hiya! Back again. Figure I should probably add ⚠️trigger warnings⚠️ and whatnot, so here you go. Mentions of death, torture, needles...who knows what all.

Gotta realize, if I’m not gonna take on a lover or one night stand, sure as anything aren’t on the lookout for a friend. Order of importance being what it is. They’re just as likely to be stabby, even if that’s made more difficult by the physical distance. Lack of emotional distance can make you just as blind. So I don’t have “friends”, and never expect to.

Doesn’t mean I won’t have a few favorite people I like to pick on. 😜

So far it’s mainly been this one other assassin, scary lady and by all rights one I should know to leave well enough alone, but never really do. One of these days I’ll break that stoic expression!! Just you wait! She tends to be gone on missions a lot seeing as how she’s one of the best at our jobs, and I was wandering the hallways looking for another muse to meddle with. Ooo! Screams! Thaaaat...is actually something I’ll leave be. Usually. Can’t save ‘em all. This guy’s were tapering off though, and eh. Maybe I’ll take that hallway to my next...undetermined destination.

Heheh! I’m in luck! A vaguely human-ish lump with matted black hair was kicked out of a doorway right in front of me. Tch. That particular door belongs to one of the assassins who likes to “experiment” with interrogative chemicals. Usually with a sadistic bend. Sometimes a subject needs encouragement to get talking, sure. But I don’t like using the drugs. We all have our methods.

Doesn’t mean I won’t carry an antidote around though! Well, it’s a sort of panacea. Basically got a small chance it’ll work the one thing you’ve been dosed with, but it’s better than nothing! I stick it in the general area where I guessed the lump’s shoulder to be...orrrr that’s his backside. Eh, it works. And that’s the end of it. Don’t care what happens to the dude from here. Based on how the assassin treated him, it’s obvious the man isn’t a pet, i.e. personal slave. Neither is he one of the staff, cause I know all of them. Whatever. Grunts like this one don’t last long, but I don’t feel like I’ve wasted perfectly good antidote. I do what I want, and the less of a reason the better. It’ll just be something else that’ll kill the guy later.

“You can thank me later, mate.”

Having done my good deed for the day, I’m off to continue my search for the next pranking victim.

🍊🍊🍊

About say a week later I’m interrupted from a catnap. Might not think it difficult to do, but I’m rarely found resting in my bedroom, you see? Annnd...I tend to fall asleep in the oddest of places. Like the belfry that’s hardly ever heard from. Don’t often have a need for ringing the massive bells here. Smaller ones are used to keep the time and trumpets harold important guests. The ones that don’t prefer to remain anonymous.

You wanna know who had the audacity to wake me up? And the intelligence to locate me...but that’s beside the point. It was Grunt! That’s the nickname I’d given him. And a few others in his position. Well well, whaddya know? He’s still alive!! Heheh! Not only that, but he was also the guy who’d gotten between me and a beating a month back. How in the world...? Usually you might have some small chance of surviving in the Citadel as a pet. Grunts like him barely last a week. I’d give him kudos for making it this long, except I’ve got my dagger keenly poised at his liver and ready to cut his winning streak short.

“Morning, sleepyhead. Brought you breakfast.”

The trickle of blood running down his abdomen didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. Grunt held out an orange to me, his eyebrow quirking along with one corner of his mouth. Not fair! I’m supposed to be the one smirking and looking all smug, not blinking the sleep out of my eyes and grimacing. Snatching the fruit out of his palm, a glance out the window confirmed that the sun was setting and it was high time I begin my nightly prowl. Huh.

This...giant of a man...had figured out my schedule, and found one of the places I slept on rotation. No one else had managed to do the latter for sure. Had a habit of switching up sleeping patterns too, but that was redundant when my sleep didn’t last long. Oh yeah. To top it all off, he knew what I liked to eat. Like...what the fruit? Nobody bothers to find out that much about someone else unless they’re trying to kill them. Er, at least in my world. He doesn’t stand much chance in doing so, but that leads me to wonder; what’s this guy’s agenda?

I wipe his blood off on my ragged trousers and use the blade to begin peeling the citrus’s skin instead. He wasn’t the only one who’d done his research. Though I hadn’t been able to wring much from the one who’d dragged him to our hellhole. “Whatcha doin’, bringing me fruit...Derrick.”

The man winced, looking into my eyes with his gone wide. I get it. Nobody’s used his name for a while. Probably since before he got here. Grunts don’t get names. They’re called whatever deplorable term comes to mind at the moment, and expected to respond. I could understand that, in a way. My names were always a step above, but...the actual handle never used.

He gestured while his mouth worked on finding speech, “You're the one who told me to thank you. But it’s a question too. You’re also the first person who’s been nice to me.”

Grinning, I talk around the juicy slice I’m masticating, “This is a complicated piece of fruit! Not hearin’ a question, Derrrrick.”

The words seemed to explode out of him in one big rush. “Why would you do that? I won’t be your pet. Not happening. Let’s get that cleared up first.”

“Bwahaha!” Oops, think I spit out a bit of orange there. That’s where his mind went? Guess I can’t blame him, pretty much the only use most of the denizens round here would find in going out of their way to help him. Sure he’d make a good pet. Tall, built like an ox, not too bad looking—got a mouth on him though and that’d make him less desirable. Whatevssss, man. I don’t take pets. Liability. He didn’t need to know that though...right away.

“You’re missing out! I mean, look at the cool places you’d have to sleep in, the diet you’d enjoy. Wouldn’t be required to do anything toooo dirty...maybe wash the blood out of my clothes from time to time. Beats bein’ everyone’s whipping boy.”

The shifting expressions of growing determination and frustration crossing his face were too much and I ended up cackling before he could come up with a rebuttal. “I’m joshing you! Don’t have to look so uptight about it! Oh man. The look on your face though!! Priceless.” I’m gasping for a breath, maybe a bit more dramatically than necessary, but eventually his exasperated glare eases up a tad and I continue.

“Listen, Derrick. I just wanted to. Only reason I do anything...not required by a mission.” I lean back on my perch. One good shove and I’d be flying out the window though, so as relaxed as I looked, I didn’t take my eyes off of the guy. His jaw was working almost as hard as his brain had to have been, and I wonder again what his story was. How come he hadn’t bent to the rules governing this place that required subservience or been broken in their demand of the same.

You know what? I’m curious. Sort of morbid, but I’d like to see how long his mind will hold out if his body’s given a chance.

Stretching long in the sill, my hand extends to shake his. “Name’s Rapscallion, but you can call me Rap. Ever you need something, holler. Maybe not too loudly, don’t need the entire castle hearing...could get crowded if you catch my drift. You can repay me by promising not to try to kill me too. Deal?”

His icy blue eyes flick from my hand to my face and back again, acting for all the world as though I’d grown a third head and turned purple. Like I’d said, it was be a bit of a leap to think he could take out someone with my level of training and expertise, but come on. The dude’s twice my size. There’s the added detail that I’m constantly paranoid, so...this agreement I’m asking for is more cause of the latter. The muscle bound man turned around with a shrug and started the descent back down the stairs. “You got it, Rap.”

Not quite the reaction I’d been looking for, but I’d take what I could get.

Stopping suddenly, he gives me yet another strange look. “No more needles, got it? Whatever else you want to do, I hate needles.”

And off he goes. You do know what this means though, right? I’ve got a sorta friend of my very own! Far as exchanging names and a nonextermination pact can make it. Don’t care! I’m pretty psyched! Gonna be teasing the patience outta this one.

[jq37]

well. that was it.

**spoilers for prompocalypse  part 2**

Y'all this is it. The end-end. The last recap, at least for Fantasy High.

I honestly could have gotten this up yesterday but I wanted to give myself a hot sec before it was really over. 

But, no way out but through. Let’s get to it. 

We start back up right where we left off with no break in between. Cast still freaking, Brennan still gaping. 

“What the Fuck.” –Brennan 2019

Anyway, Kristen once again appears in corn heaven and she’s very not chill about it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. On the plus side, she runs into Doreen in heaven who is young and hot again (which I’m sure Fig would appreciate knowing) and also apologizes for her traumatizing speech to Adaine during her death.

Helio playing beer pong. I wonder if that was always a facet of his personality or if Brennan just decided to yes-and all of Ally’s suggestions of him being a frat bro.

The angels being like, “Please be nice to God. He’s our dad,” was kinda adorable. 

“Why are you dressed like a weird stripper?”/“It’s too hot in here. He’s the sun!”

So while the gang has been living out Breakfast Club + Stranger Things, Aguefort has been Weekend and Bernie’s-ing Heaven apparently. I want to say wild, but tbh that’s pretty on brand for him. The wild part is that he was able to knock out GOD. Like, how even?

Aguefort tells Kristen that Sol is one god of many and she says, “Cool, I always thought that,” as if this is new information but, living in a D&D world, shouldn’t she definitively know that already? Like, the gods in fantasy worlds are pretty blatant about letting their presence be known and there are clerics/paladins who aren’t Heleoic but still have powers. 

OK I have a bone to pick with Ms. Kristen Applebees. You get a chance to talk to the primordial source of all divine power and magic and you (1) ask who you’re allowed to bone and (2) create a TERRIBLE god. Just truly TRASH. She created a reaction gif god. It’s not even a physical representation of the concept. Like, I thought she meant something like Yass from Wreck it Ralph 2 but no. Just a literal Yes! Like, you can trash talk Helio when you come up with something better, girl. Also, wild that you can just…walk into a room and do that. Like you have to knock out Sol first but still. Wild.

“You’ve created a new deity and already you’re fed up with it. I would say that’s par for the course.”

I low key thought Kristen was going to get the option to deify herself. I think because I had just rewatched The Gamers: Dorkness Rising and that figures in to the plot. But, thinking about it, she wouldn’t have gone for that I don’t think.

Aguefort flipping out at Kristen saying that friendship is the greatest magic of all, and rightfully so. That’s BS.

Since when does Kristen have dog tags?

Anyway, as we all suspected, the chronomancy line from episode 1 wasn’t a random line of dialogue, it was a chekhov’s gun. 

I mentioned this in an earlier post. Brennan didn’t seem too concerned that the party was wiping and I think this is why. I think he had two paths for this fight to take. In one, Riz successfully rolled for police and like 6 helpful NPCs plus his mom show up. That’s enough to beat the dragon without dying and Aguefort shows up having Die Hard-ed his way out of heaven. In the other, Kristen dies, goes to heaven, and basically that same series of events happens. Chronomancy saves the day. I think he was shocked because the roll dovetailed so perfectly with the story beat. 

“Is Arthur Aguefort black? Hell yes. My brotha.” Gonna be honest, I basically had that same reaction when they showed his character portrait in ep 1.

Kristen and Arthur jump back into the battle and Arthur gets possessed by Mr. Gibbons. I guess he’s just been hanging around as a ghost this whole time? Because this seems to lend credence to the theory that that’s who possessed Fig in the arcade but didn’t we see him go to the afterlife (which, I have a question about that too later). But I feel like that must have been Brennan’s way of sidelining him for the fight so they didn’t have like a level 20 wizard making it too easy.

“Oh, and Jawbone!” Murph loses it. 

Jawbone stuck in Goldenhoard’s mouth like that meme of the dog smiling, stuck in a fence.

Gorthalax is like, “I don’t feel great sleeping next to this dude.” Fig meanwhile is all, “I wanna sleep between his legs.” She says this at least twice. 

So everyone just have a freaking picnic and takes a nap in the middle of this fight. Can’t say I saw that coming exactly.

Fabian tries to stab Dayne, who is already dead, during the time stop.

“What the fuck do they teach you at this school?”

“Are you talking about the time thing or–”/“Yeah Gorgug! The time thing!.”

“We’re gonna kill this motherfucker, sweetie.”

I love Sklonda so much.

Jawbone is a salad guy.

OK so I know people were shipping Sklonda and Gilear and it was like, “But how would that work with the height difference?” so Brennan, the absolute madman, decides to pair her with the GIANT DEMON???

Adaine about Gilear: Cucked again.

Everyone treating the DRAGON like a JUNGLE GYM.

“It’s basically Jeb Bush’s Campaign.” Ally, with the fury of 1000 suns: EXCUSE ME?

“I bless, [Riz], your mom, and [Fabian.] Are you the only ones with vendettas?”

“I think we’re all pretty blessed.” Gorgug/Zac is so good.

Adaine, who has all the wisdom and intelligence points of the entire party at the moment: You need to stay safe because the reason that we died is that you died. 

The shot that shows everyone on the giant dragon and then the foreground fuzzes out and shows Adaine a safe distance away in the background is hilarious. 

Ice guitar pick. Sweet.

Yeah, Siobhan really shoulda got healing potions out of her jacket, not the freaking wand. Hilarious. The only thing helpful about that was it hinted he was vulnerable to frost damage which they could have guessed. 

I wonder what Brennan had in his notes about the freaking city in Adaine’s jacket. It’s wild they weren’t more curious about that.

I low key loved Emily buffing Murph the whole fight.

“Hell yes Sklonda!”

Ragh: Giving a gay pride speech./Adaine, who doesn’t want to get knocked out again: STAB HIM IN THE DICK DUDE.

And, speaking of, OWWW.

Fig shapeshifting to Dayne. The hell Emily!

And another eye gouging.

Fabian is incapable of doing a single thing without doing some ridiculous parkour stunt first. 

Kristen,not twenty minutes after Riz said it would be crazy to go inside the dragon: Can I climb inside the dragon’s mouth? (Adaine: KRISTEN!)

Gorgug saving Skonda and Riz going, “Thanks for saving my mom!” from across the room.

Brennan is narrating the epic final battle and what cool thing everyone is doing and Kristen is just being digested. 

Riz was my second choice for the coup de grace until it turned out that Kal ate his dad and then he was my first choice. Riz!!!!

What a badass moment for him. The image of him casting a shadow on the wall is super dope.

Everyone flipping off Kal as he dies.

Riz and Sklonda are making dragon casserole bay-bee! 

MURPH FAILS WITH BARDIC INSPIRATION AND BLESS AT A 12 DC.

Aguefort. What a chaos monster.

“I fucked that bird! It is my paramour!”

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Did Kristen’s freaking Yes god kick Sol out of his own freaking heaven? WHAT?

I love that what Adaine got out of this experience was, “Wait, so my powers are bullshit?”

“Everything in this world is bullshit, Ms. Abernant.” Preach.

“So is the sun just a yes now?”/“Maybe.”

Literally 6 cop NPCs. Like they all seem like they’re morons but I’m sure it would have helped!

“Fuck it dude, it’s worth asking.”

“Are you my dad?”/“I was about to ask you the very same thing.”/“What?”

“TAKE HIS EYE. CUT OUT HIS EYE. YOU WANT ME TO BITE IT OUT FOR YOU?”

Brennan really likes the word bud.

Freak the fuck out all the time and just fuck things up. 

They got their ice cream later! And Adaine says thank you to Basrar, even though he’s not even there.

Adaine as the 7 freed maidens (way to go Sandra-Lynn) are re-killing Goldenhoard: Us and them are the only good students.

Gorgug’s nat20! What a WILD time for the dice to give that to him.

“You gotta ask. I ask everyone if they’re my dad.”

Gorgug’s dad (Gorbag) has just as low an intelligence score as his son. It’s hilarious but also sweet.

THE VULTURE

I thought that Digby and WIlma just found Gorgug in the woods? Maybe I’m not remembering right. I would guess that was their version of the stork story but they straight up told him what docking was so…

“Do any other federal agents want to step to Arthur Aguefort on the grounds of his school?”

The Aguefort way!

I wonder what Sam has to say about her former BFF selling her out like that and also getting murdered.

It seems like Gorgug was put on the guest list for hell by accident (his relieved reaction was adorable) but I thought that was orc heaven?

Interesting Gorthalax still has pull in hell when he’s a high school coach now.

BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL

How did he watch the fight? Do they have pay per view in hell?

“I doubt Cathilda will end up here.”

Bill is just such a maniac. I love him so much. I wanna say I can’t believe that killing the devil dril tweet was serious but I can. It’s Bill.

Bill and Fabian having a casual convo in HELL.

Oh my God, Fabian’s mom stabbed Bill’s eye out and he proposed on the spot. No wonder Fabian is so into Aelwen. It’s in his DNA.

What a dope ship.

I can’t believe Emily tricked me into thinking that her end speech wasn’t in service to some nonsense. She held it together for so long but I should have known bc it’s EMILY.

“Young lady, I have no idea who that is and I’m telling you right now yes. I will make whoever that person is vice principal.”

Adaine: Uhhhh….we should find Zayn.

Aww, Zayn’s parents were also terrible elves. 

Unwanted Wingwoman Kristen Applebees

lol at Adaine casting Ray of Sickness on everyone suggesting she date ghost Zayne. Great callbacks to the early eps all around. 

Don’t @ me, but Adaine w/ a ghost boyfriend who also had terrible elf parents might be kinda sick.

“Tomorrow, we’re gonna start training you on how to actually swordfight.” Uhhh, I kinda love Fabian’s mom now?

She literally hasn’t been sober in 15 years. Icon.

“I didn’t know you spoke Tornado.”

Siobhan’s late season tendency to just flip things/people off is hilarious.

Wild that Adaine’s parents just legit DITCHED her that hard and she was like, f ‘em. Clean break.

“She’s helping me spread something.”

Gorgug has so many friends now!!!!!

Lol, Fabian’s whole journey has just been about becoming captain of the Owlbears.

Riz got his PI License. 

Lou and Fabian immediately being so mad at the idea of his mom (Hallariel?) getting with Gilear. Emily/Fig having an equal but opposite reaction. 

“Mama, I will kill this man.”/“I’ll kill you first, it’s not up to you.”

Sandra-Lynn gets with Jawbone. Did Brennan just roll to pair up everyone?

Also, the group is almost all related or quasi-related now. Gorthalax got with Sklonda which makes Fig and Riz sorta siblings. Gilear got with Hallariel making Fig and Fabian sorta siblings. Jawbone sorta adopted Adaine and he got with Sandra-Lynn, again making Adaine kinda siblings with Fig. Plus Fig claimed Gorgug as a sibling a lot of eps ago and if Kristen sticks with Tracker then she’ll marry into this mess. Crazy!

Fabian totally dipping on the sequel hook because he’s gonna be busy trying to break Aelwen out of jail.

I’ve been keeping up with the fanart but there was some in here I hadn’t seen and it was super dope!

I’m so glad we had the after epilogue-epilogue. It was a very nice send-off.

Adaine using her oracle authority to get Zayn back into school! She’s so good. 

Lol and she helped Basrar so he can grant other wishes. I love that this is the NPC that she decided she was going all in for.

Riz and Adaine join AV club! Idk why I love that detail.

Riz cutting off Adaine’s very good question about her jacket w/ his PI talk.

“They’re our rivals.”/“Into it.”

“Is ‘The Ball’ not your real name?” I love Fabian so much.

Zac doing Gorgug’s excited crack-y teenage voice when he’s just concentrating on that and not playing the game is so adorable. He’s just so sweet and enthusiastic and a good kid.

“Guess that tin flower worked, huh?” I cry.

I love that Gorgug’s happy ending is basically just that he has friends now. And that’s literally all he wanted starting out. 

“FIG! GO TO BARD CLASS!”

Aww, Ragh and Gorgug are friends now.

I knew it! I at some point pitched the idea of Ragh ending up with one of the AV guys so he would be w/ someone who had enough intelligence to keep him from dying and I’m 90% sure it’s somewhere on my blog but I can’t be bothered to find it right now. But anyway, he’s in the lgbt club w/ Ragh and Kristen so it’s def a possibility! 

“My bitch sister? Don’t you fucking dare.” (lol, if that happens then the group will be even more related)

Fabian considering recruiting the Cubbys for his rescue attempt of Aelwen.

“Gilear!” I love that Fig loves Gilear now but still calls him by his first name.

And that was Fantasy High! 

I have at least two more posts in the hopper: And epilogue retrospective type deal and also the official JQ37 ranking of all the adults in Fantasy High.

Thanks for sticking with me this far you guys. I can’t draw to save my life and I don’t really do fic so this is the one little way I can contribute to this thing I love so much. 

It’s been real and I’ll see you all soon for an epilogue because, no surprise, I have more things to say. 

[themostrandomfandom]

You may have discussed this, but what are your thoughts on Brittana's horoscope signs? In canon and/or Mouseverse. Thank you!

Hey, @gaylati!

Full disclosure: I know very little about horoscopes, and it seems like there’s a lot of conflicting information out there about what the common traits are for each sign and which signs are compatible with each other and whatnot, so if anything I say here doesn’t fit, I apologize.

Discussion after the cut.

________

So.

The truth is that, in canon, we really don’t get any concrete information about when Brittana’s respective birthdays might be, though we can infer based on the fact that they were both originally set to graduate in 2012 that—barring either one of them having been held back or skipped forward prior to Brittany’s second senior year—they were both likely born sometime between September 1993 and September 1994 (since September is the “cut-off month” to begin kindergarten in Ohio).

Brittany does mention in episode 3x01 that she is a “water sign,” and while it’s entirely possible given the context for the scene that she is just joking, if we take her statement literally, then that means she is either a Scorpio, Pisces, or Cancer, meaning that she could have been born between

October 23rd and November 21st, 1993 (Scorpio)

February 18th and March 20th, 1994 (Pisces)  

June 20th and July 22nd, 1994 (Cancer)

We get no information in canon about what Santana’s sign may be.

My personal headcanon, based on my very limited understanding, is that Brittany is a Scorpio (and that’s what she is in the Mouseverse).

Having nothing else to base it on, and once again bearing in mind my very limited understanding of horoscopes, my personal headcanon is that Santana is a Leo (and that’s what she is in the Mouseverse).

I like the idea of Brittana’s signs being “complementary opposites,” water and fire.

Here’s my reasoning:

Brittany

Scorpios are known for having magnetic personalities, though they tend to conceal parts of themselves depending on the company. When making plans, Scorpios can be secretive. They are typically focused and intuitive in their approaches to problem-solving; loyal to friends and vengeful to enemies in their social relationships; manipulative when they want or need something; and protective when it comes to the people they love.

To me, Brittany possesses a lot of the above-mentioned Scorpio traits.

Brittany’s personality is most definitely magnetic. She’s the most popular girl in school, and, as we see during her senior class president campaign, people are drawn to her, even though they may not always understand what she’s talking about. Brittany can be funny, confident, outgoing, whimsical, etc., all of which are traits that attract people to her. She’s the kind of electric personality lots of people want to be and lots more people—including Santana, Artie, Rory, and Sam—want to be with. 

Brittany can be secretive about her plans—like when she hides her relationship with Santana during early S3 and conceals from everyone her initial acceptance to MIT in S4—and chameleonlike in her approach to dealing with people, putting forward a different face, depending on with whom she’s dealing. To some, she’s silly and aloof. To others, she’s wise and philosophical. To many, she’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Very few people except for Santana ever get full access to “the real her.”

When Brittany sets her mind to solving a problem, she isn’t easily disuaded, as per what we see when she comes up with Project Unicorn to combat bullying at WMHS and goes to very elaborate lengths to reconcile Alma and Santana prior to the wedding. While she isn’t as plan-reliant as Santana is on the whole, she is singularly focused on the occasions when she does put plans into motion.

She is also highly intuitive. Though many people misread Brittany as someone with immature emotions, the truth is that Brittany is very emotionally mature and possesses a high degree of emotional intelligence. She understands what makes people tick—and especially Santana. That’s why she’s able to be patient when Santana emotionally flails throughout S2. That’s also why Brittany is able to respond so well to Santana’s emotional needs (“If you want me, I’m here”). Though Brittany also has the propensity to be logical—hello, big, beautiful math brain!—she most frequently operates in response to what feels right. She senses and perceives a lot more than people realize. 

The “loyal to friends and vengeful to enemies” thing? That’s Brittany to a T. If you treat her and hers well, then she’s got your back. (See her relationship with Mercedes.) But if you treat her and hers poorly, then you’ve got another thing coming to you. (See her relationship with Rachel.) Though she has a reputation for being kind and friendly, make no mistake: Baby Girl can be petty af to those who cross her, making their lives hell in ways they don’t even see coming. 

When it comes to being manipulative to get what she wants, I have two words for you: Sneaky!Brittany. Brittany uses people’s low expectations for her against them, conning and conniving her way to the top as it serves her purposes. 

When it comes to being protective of those she loves, well, just look to her entire relationship with Santana but especially to the speech she makes to Alma in episode 6x06. Though Brittany often avoids direct conflict, she isn’t afraid to step into the ring when it comes to defending Santana and keeping her heart safe.

Santana

Leos are known for having a dramatic flare and deep-seated need for self-expression; occasionally being overbearing and stepping on the toes of those around them; and constantly seeking for love and approval. They are said to wear their hearts on their sleeves and be somewhat reactive. They are also known for being hopeless romantics and for their courage, kindness, generosity, protectiveness, and brutal honesty.

—which is pretty Santana, tbqh.

Aside from Rachel Berry, Santana is probably the most Extra™ person to ever Extra™. She loves performing—“Glee club is the best part of my day, okay?”—and shines when she’s on stage. One of her big motivations throughout the show is to “be seen as the star that [she is].” Baby Girl is happiest when she’s singing and dancing her heart out.

Self-expression is a huge thing with Santana. She’s “just gotta be [her].” As she tells her grandmother in episode 3x07, having to pretend to be someone she’s not drains her. Her arc on the show is all about learning to first accept and then express herself—and once she starts being honest about who she is, she never looks back.

When it comes to being potentially overbearing and stepping on others’ toes, look no further than to her relationships within the glee club: Santana is constantly giving “tough love” and saying more than she should, overstepping personal boundaries (like when she ransacks Hummelberry’s belongings after she moves into the Loft), going overboard in her schemes to influence those around her (like when she engineers a sting operation to take down Sebastian Smythe to avenge Blaine’s eye injury), etc. She can be A Lot™ sometimes, which is part of why she encounters so much relational friction with the New Directions over the years.

Seeking for love and approval? That is Santana’s main motivation throughout the show. Baby Girl just wants so much to love and be loved. It’s her be all and end all.

Santana definitely wears her heart on her sleeve and has a reactive temperament. She cries at the drop of a hat and also can’t help but break into the biggest, dimple-deep smile whenever she’s truly happy. Even when she pretends not to, the truth is that she feels a lot and feels deeply in spite of herself.

Hopeless romantic? Check.

Courage, kindness, generosity, and protectiveness? Check.

Brutal honesty? “I keep it real, and I’m hilarious.” Check.

Brittana

In terms of their compatibility, Scorpio/Leo unions are said to be built on intense connections, with both partners being extremely loyal to and protective of each other. Their dynamics typically have a strong sexual component. While early on, poor communication and a lack of emotional openness can cause problems, if both partners work through these issues and learn to disclose to each other, they can form a strong, healthy “us against the world” bond.

—which is a pretty good summation of Brittana, imo.

Intense connection? As they state numerous times throughout the show, Brittany and Santana consider their bond to be a once-in-a-lifetime, infinite, soulmate-level one true love. They both love each other more than anyone else in the world.  

As discussed above, both of them are individually highly loyal to and protective of each other. They’re also both protective of their relationship. When faced with opposition, they join hands and form ranks, as is apparent when they both separately confront Kurt for disparaging their engagement in episode 6x03 and together face down Alma in episode 6x06.

Strong sexual component? They once popped a hip.

Early on, particularly during S1 and early S2, Brittana’s relationship does suffer from poor communication and lack of emotional openness. Santana says with her words that she and Brittany are just friends and nothing more, but her body language and actions toward Brittany suggest something different. Brittany wants for them to be able to be honest about what they feel for each other, but Santana forbids it. For fear of upsetting Santana, Brittany keeps her mouth shut. Santana’s unwillingness to acknowledge feelings coupled with Brittany’s fear of spooking Santana leads to angst on angst on angst and eventually the Brittana Rift of early S2. It is only after Santana finally confesses her feelings in episode 2x15 and Brittany starts speaking her mind during the Back Six of S2 that Brittana’s relationship finally improves.

—and once Brittana do learn to communicate with and emote to each other, their relationship becomes SOLID. While outside stressors sometimes scare them into reverting to their old, noncommunicative patterns between S3-S5, by the time S6 rolls around, Brittana have established an incredibly tight bond based on healthy disclosure and mutual respect. Just look at the hallway scene in episode 6x06: They talk through their feelings like adults and show each other so much love, even though they initially disagree. They’re constantly building each other up and offering each other support. “Flash forward, and we’re taking on the world together,” indeed.

So anyway, that’s my take. 

Thanks for the question!

[starlingsrps]

margo lyons char. dev.

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: margaret elizabeth frances rose lyons

MEANING: "pearl" for margaret, "pledged to god" for elizabeth, "from france/free man" for frances, and obvs for rose.

REASONING: margaret elizabeth for her paternal grandmother, frances rose for maternal grandmother

NICKNAME(S): margo, go; alias margo lyons

PREFERRED NAME(S): margo

BIRTH DATE: april 17, 1994

AGE: twenty five

ZODIAC: aries

GENDER: cis female

PRONOUNS: she/her/hers

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: heteromantic

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: heterosexual

NATIONALITY: british af

ETHNICITY: caucasian

CURRENT LOCATION: london

LIVING CONDITIONS: plush

TITLE(S): her royal highness the princess margaret

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: london

HOMETOWN: same

SOCIAL CLASS: you really can't get more upper than princess

EDUCATION LEVEL: a history degree from cambridge

FATHER: king william V, 65

MOTHER: queen louise, 65

SIBLING(S): richard, duke of cornwall, 32

BIRTH ORDER: youngest

CHILDREN: ---

PET(S): henrietta, corgi

OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: philippa, duchess of cornwall, 30; gemma louise lucille, 3

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: officially, just one very respectable banker, peter who turned out to be a shit; unofficially, ample bad decisions in uni.

ARRESTS?: ---

PRISON TIME?: ---

OCCUPATION & INCOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: being a princess?

SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: no seriously that's her job.

TERTIARY SOURCE(S) OF INCOME: that's it: princessing.

APPROXIMATE AMOUNT PER YEAR: it's rude to talk about money.

CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: like look: as long as she approaches it as a job, she's good. it's her job to show up to every event princess perfect and smiling because damnit people came to see her so she's going to give them something to see.

PAST JOB(S): no?

SPENDING HABITS: reasonable except for clothes. she's on vanity fair's best dressed list for a a reason ok.

MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: technically her tiara but any drawing gemma makes her.

SKILLS & ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: B+

OFFENSE: B+

DEFENSE: look, she's got people for that.

SPEED: B+

INTELLIGENCE: B - she's very well educated but was always a solid B student to richard's A+++++, much to the delight of the press when her test scores came out.

ACCURACY: B+

AGILITY: B+

STAMINA: A+ - she can stand and shake hands and smile for daaaaaaays.

TEAMWORK: B- - she tries but honestly the only people allowed to boss her around are her parents and gemma. and elliot in a sexy way.

TALENTS: fashion, fundraising, hauling the monarchy into this century.

SHORTCOMINGS: she's a wee bit spoiled.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, french; she learns enough for polite conversation for wherever she visits.

DRIVE?: yes but not often

JUMP-STAR A CAR?: nope

CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: nope

RIDE A BICYCLE?: yep

SWIM?: yep

PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: piano fairly well

PLAY CHESS?: nope

BRAID HAIR?: yep

TIE A TIE?: yep

PICK A LOCK?: yep no of course not

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: lucy boynton

EYE COLOR: blue

HAIR COLOR: blonde

HAIR TYPE/STYLE: long bob that she got in trouble for because how dare she chop her hair how dare she not have princess hair???? (she'd just broken up with peter and wanted to be ceremonially shorn of the person she’d once been)

GLASSES/CONTACTS?: both

DOMINANT HAND: left

HEIGHT: 5'5

WEIGHT: 115

BUILD: small and slim

EXERCISE HABITS: daily - gotta maintain that sample size damnit

SKIN TONE: fair

TATTOOS: none

PIERCINGS: ears - one hole in her left, two holes in her right ear from ruby tomlinson at boarding school when she was fourteen.

MARKS/SCARS: the aforementioned second piercing because her mother screamed and made her take it out and never put it back in.

NOTABLE FEATURES: good brow game, rosebud mouth

USUAL EXPRESSION: pleasant listening face

CLOTHING STYLE: she does the princess drag very well - gowns and suits and cute day dresses and such - but she's a fashion magpie. she has twisted and begged her way into the archives to wears some of her grandmother's couture dresses from the fifties and she's very fond of vintage and couture. she's caught some shit from the press for not always wearing british designers and will be good for like a month but she always cracks. also heels? every day, with everything.

JEWELRY: some costume, some real, prone to trying on her tiara for shits and giggles.

ALLERGIES: nope

BODY TEMPERATURE: always cold.

DIET: she eats like a bird who really likes chips

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: nah

PSYCHOLOGY

ENNEAGRAM TYPE: 7 - the enthusiast

MBTI TYPE: ESFP

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good

TEMPERAMENT: sanguine

ELEMENT: air

MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: like some anxiety as a part of the trade but she handles it.

SOCIABILITY: excellent.

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: not terrible but oof her bad moods are baaaaaad.

PHOBIA(S): horses. she really does not like horses.

ADDICTION(S): not really

DRUG USE: nope

ALCOHOL USE: one glass of white wine at banquets and public events; bottle of red always at the ready in her apartment.

PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: nah

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: cheerful and even paced

ACCENT: posh british

QUIRKS: always carries a protein bar in her princess bag. no princess bag? it's in her bodyguard's pocket. there is always a protein bar nearby because a hangry princess is no one's favorite.

HOBBIES: sketching, hiking, wine

HABITS: most of her bad ones have been ironed out by a lifetime of being in the public eye but she does spend two afternoons a week with gemma if she doesn't have engagements to give pippa some time to herself.

NERVOUS TICKS: tucking her hair behind her ears

DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: not letting the family down

FEARS: horses.

POSITIVE TRAITS: enthusiastic, attentive, creative, charismatic

NEGATIVE TRAITS: feisty, impatient, spoiled, dramatic

SENSE OF HUMOR: while she'll politely laugh at anything, she prefers wit

DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: nope

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: honestly? netflix at home with her dog.

ANIMAL: henrietta. not dogs, just henrietta.

BEVERAGE: red wine

BOOK: publically, persuasion. privately it's lord of scoundrels.

CELEBRITY: does her granny count? because she was badass.

COLOR: red

DESIGNER: dior

FOOD: chips. what's that crinkling sound? margo smuggling ten bags of all dressed chips into the uk.

FLOWER: white roses

GEM: diamond

HOLIDAY: christmas day

MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: being driven

MOVIE: titanic

MUSICAL ARTIST: harry styles

QUOTE/SAYING: "whatever will be will be"

SCENERY: give her a good beach and the ocean to stare at and she's good.

SCENT: her mother's perfume and wood polish

SPORT: tennis

SPORTS TEAM: serena williams

TELEVISION SHOW: great british bake off

WEATHER: sunny springtime

VACATION DESTINATION: ottawa the maldives

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: to be respected for who she is and not held to the idea of who people think she should be.

GREATEST FEAR: getting smushed by a horse.

MOST AT EASE WHEN: with her family away from the spotlight. her father is a giant nerd, her mother cooks dinner, richard relaxes - they're a normal family then.

LEAST AT EASE WHEN: surrounded.

WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: anything happening to richard and his family and suddenly becoming next in line because holy shit she has not been prepared for that.

BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: her degree.

BIGGEST REGRET: peter.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: peter's tell all interview with the daily mail.

BIGGEST SECRET: that she's a mushy soft romantic under the glitter and polish and poise.

TOP PRIORITIES: a good life that doesn't bring shame to the family.

[ramialkarmi]

“What the f--- is happening to our business?’: As ad execs hit Cannes, New Yorker scribe Ken Auletta’s new book chronicles the industry’s various existential crises

As hundreds of high-powered advertising and media executives descend on Cannes this week for a flurry of meetings, marketing stunts, and boozy yacht parties, there's an undercurrent of deep uncertainly about the industry's future.

As well chronicled in New Yorker writer Ken Auletta's new book, "Frenemies: The Epic Disruption of the Ad Business (and Everything Else)," advertising faces a crisis at every turn. People are asking scary questions such: "Do ad agencies have a reason to exist?" "Is TV advertising — and interruptive advertising — nearly over?" "Do consumers hate us?"

Business Insider spoke with Auletta about his experience writing the book and his take on the state of affairs in adland.

Mike Shields: In your career, you're written a lot about media and tech. How much did you really know about the ins and outs of how the ad business really operates?

Ken Auletta: Not enough. One of the attractions of doing this book. Covering the media for a long time, if you adopt the Watergate mentality of follow the money, you say, my god, you’ve gotta look at advertising. There’s the piggy bank for much of the media. And I don’t just mean legacy media. I mean Facebook, Google, the internet.

The other reason I do what I do is visiting another planet, and finding the natives and how they operate. And for me I was visiting a new planet. The advertising-marketing planet. And so for me that intellectually was a challenge.

Shields: Was there anything that really surprised you in your reporting?

Auletta: Among the things that surprised me was how fast the disruption was happening. I was stunned by the idea that 20% of Americans use ad-blockers. And a third of Western Europeans have ad blockers on their cellphones. Those are huge numbers.

And [another surprise was] how the cellphone becomes a real impediment to advertising. It’s such a personal instrument. It’s like your wallet or your purse. You don’t lend it to anyone. And suddenly people are pinging you. Before you read what you searched for, we want to divert you for 20 second or 25 seconds. It really is annoying. So people are really turned off by ads as an interruption. And that was a punch in the nose.

Obviously you watch television, and you kept getting bombarded. You're interrupted 19 minutes or so every hour.

Shields: Right. But TV was sort of built that way.

Auletta: The thing that makes it more annoying, even though it was built that way, is you can turn to Netflix, let's say, and you can watch what you want without commercial interruption, and you can watch as much of it as you want. It just accentuates your feeling of being interrupted.

Shields: Are people in the ad business in a bubble regarding how turned off people are to ads? Is the great American ad something we had culturally and something we’ve lost?

Auletta: I mean, you can have it, obviously. But you have so many different platforms today. If you go back to the '80s, 90% of the public were watching one of three networks in one night. So the ability to reach them with a single ad was accentuated. That dissipates in a world with all these platforms. Ads on Google or Facebook look very different than a 30-second ad. It’s harder with the multiplication of platforms to break through.

Shields: What about this undercurrent in the ad business — which comes up repeatedly in the book — that it’s somehow corrupt? It struck me that Medialink CEO Michael Kassan was quoted in your book saying that he thinks most people in this industry are good people. Did you find that?

Auletta: Well, the reason I began the book was the Jon Mandel speech, in March of 2015. [A former media-buying executive, Jon Mandel gave a fiery speech accusing ad agencies of taking kickbacks and profiting from their clients without their clients' knowledge.]

Here was a guy who was standing up. He came from the agency side of the business, who was basically saying, "The agencies are tricking you, the client — they are not telling you all the things they are doing and how they are making money." He was almost claiming criminality. His charges were pretty sweeping.

When I interviewed him over lunch, what he said at the ANA speech was that it was billions of dollars that the agencies were hiding from clients. At lunch he changed billions to millions. That’s a pretty big jump. It really undermines at least a little bit of what he was saying.

But by saying it, it helped trigger the anxiety among clients to say, "Oh, my gosh. It increases our distrust of agencies. We have to go into more agency reviews, to look at whether we have review our contracts, see if we have any loopholes." And that’s where you can introduce a guy like Michael Kassan [who runs the prominent ad-industry consultancy Medialink], who's a connector. But it created a level of anger and mistrust.

And then the agencies then responded and said, "Oh, my god — you’ve hired basically a prosecutorial organization in K2 to investigate. [In 2015, the Association of National Advertisers released a report conducted by the consulting firm K2 Intelligence, which reported on a widespread lack of financial transparency in the agency business.]

Shields: It's like the agencies were saying, "I thought we were family. What the hell?"

Auletta: Yeah. And so that just exacerbated the problems. But essentially, what I came to see is an industry beset by insecurity and anxiety and fear. "What the f--- is happening to our business?" One of the reasons they turn to a guy like Michael Kassan is: "Help us. Lead us out of the tunnel." Basically. But it’s hard to get out of the tunnel.

Shields: "Mad Men" is a great reference point in the book. What struck me throughout the book was so many people saying, "It’s not like it was in Don Draper’s day. It’s all data and analytics and tech." Which is all true, but then, you think of how much of the industry is driven by these groups of high-powered executives who all have lunch together and go to Cannes together. It’s still relationships and chummy business. Did that stick out to you?

Auletta: Well, there's no question when you go to Cannes, you see people, it's like a frat party. They're up late, they're standing out there having drinks, they're standing there on the beach, drinking rosé. And if the client goes, we have to go to.

Even Publicis said there weren't going to Cannes. I was told last week that many Publicis people are going because their clients are going [Publicis is sending some staffers.] They’re next to their clients.

There is still a sense, with merit, that in part it's a relationship business. If you trust them, or think your creative person is good, and you have a two-way communication. It matters. Like it does in anything. Do they matter the way they once did? No. Clearly it matters less.

I quote [ad legend] Keith Reinhard in the book. He had a relationship with the CEO. Very few ad agencies have that relationship anymore.

In fact, one of the reasons the consulting companies have an opening to get into the ad business, they think they have relationships in the so-called C-Suite. So they are jumping into the business. We are the people who advise you on strategy anyhow.

Shields: What do you think happens next? People joke that we are one recession from TV advertising collapsing. Or that once this generation of leaders retires, everything will radically change.

Auletta: I don’t know whether it happens whether things go off a cliff or not. Clearly things are changing. At some point I would think this would happen sooner. Advertisers will say, even though TV networks are important, we have to find alternatives.

Shields: And what about the potential consumer backlash to advertising, given all the data controversies with Facebook and now GDPR?

Auletta: That issue continues to seesaw. It’s always been tougher in Europe, and it's becoming bigger here. If data becomes very restricted, that will hit the ad business, no doubt.

Join the conversation about this story »

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[spottedpear]

Character Profile -

Name: Eliane Nickname: Ellie Meaning of name: Early saint and martyr in Ancient times. Origin of name: French, Roman Age: 17 Sex: Female Blood type: AB- Nationality: French/English Ethnicity: French Race: Caucasian Sexual Orientation: Asexual Current status: Alive Political Party: Centre-Left Police/Criminal/Legal record: Nothing Socioeconomic level as a child: Middle class Socioeconomic level as an adult: Middle class Birth date: 14th September Birth place: Manchester Current residence: (unknown) Occupation: Student Title/Rank: Miss Hobbies/Pastimes: Painting, coding, writing, hockey Talents/Skills/Powers: Zinc Mimicry (can turn her body into zinc) Past History Hometown: Avignon First Memory: Her Dad reading her a story Most important childhood event that still affects him/her: Older brother going missing Why/How? One day her brother Alex disappeared and her parents wouldn’t tell her what happened to him. Alex was her best friend. Other memories/events that still affects him/her and why/how: When her best friend was being bullied and she stood by and did nothing (shameful, cowardly), and when said friend moved away (sad, angry). Past failures s/he would be embarrassed to have people know about and why: Failed 11th Grade, because she wasn’t able to get enough credits. Biggest role model: Alex, older brother by 3 years Why? He looked after her as a child and could do no wrong. Biggest disillusions from childhood: Her brother going missing Backstory: Eliane and her parents live in France, and Eliane still reels over the loss of her older brother Alex. Her father was a French businessman named Louis, who met her mother Jane (English banker) at a conference. Eliane’s little sister Katy goes to boarding school in England, and Eliane stays in France with her family. Physical Characteristics Height: 5′ 7′’ Weight: 185 lb Posture: A bit slouched Build: A bit round Skin: Has quite a bit of eczema on the arms but mostly fair Hair: Dark brown bob cut, straight Widow's peak? No Ears: Not very big Eyes: Brown, upturned Nose: Fairly big Mouth: Thin lips, usually chapped Face shape: Diamond Expressions: Often looks a bit grumpy, but mostly happy Describe their smile: Toothy, eyes light up Hands: Short fingers, short nails Feet: Size 8 US Tattoos/Scars? Has a burn from when she tried to make tea as a kid Glasses/Contacts? None Left/Right handed? Right Distinguishing features: Quite pale, thin lips Who does s/he take after; mother or father? Father Style (Elegant, shabby, etc): Casual- lots of hoodies and sweatpants How does s/he dress or what do they typically wear? Above, and high tops Other outfits one might find in their wardrobe: One nice dress which is navy and white Jewelry: None Other accessories: Watch Weapons: None Health: Good Hygiene: Forgets to brush teeth, but otherwise good Physical Flaws: Big nose, feels she’s too fat Physical Qualities: Girl next door look, quite cute Characteristics Are they generally balanced or clumsy? Balanced Mannerisms/Poses/Movement: Snaps fingers when something goes right Describe their walk: Strong, good stride Describe their fighting style: Attack mostly Habits/OCDs/Obsessions: Loves hair clips Speech Patterns: Can’t pronounce some words with “d” or “n” in them Unique phrases/words: “cool beans” Do they curse, and if so, to what extent? Yes, but not a lot Write a piece of dialogue that this character might say (can be between someone else): “Listen, I know this may seem weird but I just need to help you” Voice: Slightly high pitched Describe their laugh: A bubbling giggle Describe their sleep patterns (light/heavy sleeper, no sleep, sleeps too often, etc): Insomniac, heavy sleeper Describe their dwelling/house: 3 bedroom one story house, wooden Describe their bedroom: Pile of clothing off to the side, double bed, laptop on desk next to school books Describe their daily rituals: Puts on concealer, brushes hair Psychological/Personality Attributes and Attitudes Intelligence Level: Average, but is better at doing rather than thinking Known Languages: English, French Character's long-term goals/desires in life: To play hockey professionally Character's short-term goals/desires in life: To pass 12th Grade Secret desires: To find brother How self-confident is the character? Not very How do they see him/herself? A bumbling mess How do they believe s/he is perceived by others? See above What is the character most proud of? Hockey skills, art skills What does the character like least about themselves? Face How do they express themselves? Drawings, art, writing Is this character generally dominant or submissive? Either or, mostly sub Patience level: Low-Medium Does the character seem ruled by emotion or logic or some combination thereof? Emotion Most at ease when: Doing art things Ill at ease when: Doing logic things Describe their sense of humor: Animals, silly If granted one wish, what would it be? To find Alex Why? See backstory Character/Personality/Mental/Social Strengths: Conversationalist Character/Personality/Mental/Social Flaws: Self deprecating If they could be described with one of the seven virtues, which would it be? Humility If they could be described with one of the seven sins, which would it be? Sloth Biggest Vulnerability (non physical): Brother, family Optimist or Pessimist: Optimist Introvert or extrovert: Extrovert Greatest Fear: Darkness Other Fears/Insecurities/Phobias: Electrocution Emotional/psychological/social peculiarities: A bit grumbly Biggest regret: Not passing school Other regrets: Not finding Alex, not doing more work Biggest accomplishment: Captain of school hockey team Minor accomplishments: Art Club secretary, class president 9th grade Musical talents/instruments: None Character's darkest/deepest secret: She’s asexual Minor Secrets: Still misses Alex Likes/Dislikes Likes: Art, hanging out with friends, computers, hockey Dislikes: Cold weather, hot weather, being sick, not being able to do things she likes Favorite:  Color: Green Clothing: Grey hoodie Place: Art studio Room in the house and why: Study, computer in there Food/drinks: Salad, lemonade (carbonated) Music genre: Electronic Songs and Singers/Bands: Caravan Palace Movies/TV Shows/Performances: The Great British Bakeoff, High School Musical Actors/Performers: (none in universe) Book(s): Jane Eyre Historical figure: Frida Kahlo Subject in school: Art Animal: Piglet Least Favorite:  Clothing: Leggings, tight shirts Place: Supermarket Food: Sweet and Sour Soup Music genre: Country Subject in school: Maths Simple Pleasures: Art, Coding Greater Pleasures: Outdoors, Hockey, running around Where does this character like to hang out? At home Where is this character's dream place to live? London What sorts of books are most likely to be found on their shelves? Art books, inspirational books, adult colouring books Motto/Personal quote: “If you can’t beat them, join them” Mode of transportation: Pedal bicycle Most prized possession: Hockey MVP trophy Why? Greatest success in life Emotional Characteristics Describe character's sense of morals: Dodgy at best If they could sum up the meaning of life, what would they say?: To enjoy yourself What do they consider taboo (something they personally would never do): Crime Describe character's etiquette: Proper, but also quite relaxed Describe character's sense of self-control: Quite impulsive Spontaneous or structured? A mixture Instinctual or logical? Instinct How does this character act in public? Calm, chill How does this character act in privacy? Worried, nervous How does this character act around strangers vs. how they act around friends? Nice, goofy How does this character act around family? Calm How has this character most changed from youth? More knowledgeable How have they remained the same? Still miss brother Has this character dealt with the loss of someone they knew? Yes If so, who? Brother How has it affected them? Made them a bit less trusting, more worried How does this character deal with or react to: Conflict/Danger: Bystander, or goes on the attack Rejection: Wants to be by themselves Fear: Hides, goes on defense Change: Nervously Loss: Sadly and generally crying a lot Sex/Flirting: Disgust, uncomfortable Pain: A lot of yelling Stress: A lot of crying Peer pressure: Giving in Guilt: Crying Being wrong: Arguing Being criticized: Arguing Being insulted (superficially: name calling, etc): Glaring, making a comeback Offending others: Apologising half heartedly Praise: Smiling Being loved: Hugs, affection Being hated: Glaring, throwing shade Humiliation: Hiding and crying How does this character express? Anger: Words, sometimes actions Sadness: Needing to be alone Fear: Screaming, shaking Happiness/Excitement: Happy screaming, jumping up and down Love (Consider the "Five Languages of Love"): Quality Time Lust: n/a Stress/anxiety: Crying, venting Dislike (of a person, thing, or idea): Venting Approval (of a person, thing, or idea): Agreeing, giving a thumbs up How does this character generally express themselves? Words, art What does this character think/feel about?  Marriage: Living with a best friend? Okay! Children: Adoption please. No sex. Family/Family Values: Looking after family is the most important Children/Youth: Wow what idiots Old age: No thank you! Sex: nope Love: nope  Friendship/Other relationships: Come under family Homosexuality: Cool, not my bag but cool The opposite sex: A good time to be around The same sex: Either great people or horrible people Money/Material things: Useful Politics: Social issues are important to me Religion: I was raised Catholic but I don’t know right now Destiny/Duty: Ehhh Magic/Myth: Nope Racism/Races in general: PoC Lives Matter Science/Technology: Cool beans Nature/Animals: Cool as well! Gotta look after it Modernity: Good stuff Antiquity: Good in small doses Their past: Good Their future: Hopefully good Their role in society/job/etc: Hockey player Drugs and alcohol: Alright, never tried but seem okay Killing/Murder: Nope nope nope Education: Important but ehhh The foreign/unknown: I want to find out what it is How does the character view life? Good How does the character view death? Scary How does the character view society? A bit messy How does the character imagine his/her own death? They try not to What does the character want out of life? To be living to their full potential What does this character consider "success" to be? The best What would  the character like to change in his/her life? Their insecurities What motivates this character? Success, people they care about Why? Because doing things for others is good What discourages this character? Being hurt, criticism, worrying Why? Fear is really powerful What makes this character happy? Things/people they like Why? well What makes this character sad? Losing someone/thing. Why? well What makes this character angry? Things they don’t like Why? well What humiliates this character? Critique What most describes this character's personality? Chatty artist Psychoanalysis (Describe why they act the way they do): Out of fear or hope Does it stem from childhood or an event, or chemical? Because they were raised to be a good person Relationships with Others (Non-Married) Relationship Skills: Good, can sometimes accidentally insult Loves (non sexual): Good happy time Lusts: none Crushes: none Girlfriend/Boyfriend(s): none Other lover(s): none Marital status: none  First crush: none  Did it last? none Why or why not? she’s asexual Best Friends: Clarissa (internet friend), Annie (hockey team member) Friends: Hockey team, art club, various students around school Confident/Mentor: Parents Hates: This one girl who bullied her friend back in primary Dislikes: Anyone who doesn’t like her Rivals: none reeeally Pets: none What kind of person would s/he consider to be the perfect partner? a best friend Is the character judgmental of others and how so? can judge people for being a mean person, and tends to ignore them How is s/he perceived by... Strangers? Nice girl Friends? Bubbly personality Coworker/Colleague? Cool person Lovers? n/a What happens to change this perception if at all? She doesn’t like them Describe their sense of trust Wobbly, unless she likes them a lot What type of individuals does s/he like or associate with? Athletes, artists What type of individuals doesn't s/he like or associate with? Bullies How do they treat members of the opposite sex? Nicely How do they treat members of the same sex? Nicely What do family/friends like most about character? Nice person What do family/friends like least about character? Talkative Do they know anyone who's died, and if so who and how were they affected? n/a Sex/Romantic Life What do they consider to be a romantic setting/activity/date? What did they do on their first date? How does a normal date go for this character? How would they like to propose or be proposed to? Virgin? Describe his/her sex life: How often does this character have sex? How long can he/she go without sex? How does this character feel emotionally, after sex? Does this character have self control around individuals of their sexual desire? Describe: Does sex play an important role in their relationships, if so, how? Turn-ons: Turn-offs: Fetishes/Fantasies: Sexual peculiarities: Sexual perks: Sexual flaws: Usually on the top or bottom? Dominant or Submissive? Describe their first sexual experience: At what age? Was it planned/originally intended? Was it consensual? How did they feel emotionally, afterwards? How has this affected the character, if substantially at all? Have they ever impregnated someone, or been impregnated? If so... Whom? Was it planned? Was it consensual? Was it a successful pregnancy (did it live)? Did they keep, adopt, or abort the child and why? Did he/she stay with the child/family/partner, and why or why not? Have they ever had intercourse or a sexual experience with the same sex? With whom? Was it planned/originally intended? Was it consensual? How did they feel afterwards? Possible psychological reasons for their sexual fantasies or behavior: Family (they were raised with) Immediate family members and their ages: Jane (49), Louis (52), Katy (13) Ethnicity and/or species of the mother: English Ethnicity and/or species of the father: French Birth order: Middle child Extended family: None really right now Any important/infamous/famous ancestors, and if so, who? None Describe their ancestral history, if anything of particular note:  Birthparent(s): Are they still alive? Did they raise this character? If not, why not, and/or what happened? At what age was the character when this happened? What did they do for a living? Are they still together? If not, how, when and why did they separate? How did each parent treat the character, growing up? How does each parent treat the character now? What does each parent think of the character? What changes their opinion of the character, if at all, and how so? How did the character treat each of their parents growing up? How does the character treat each of their parents now? Caretaker(s) (if someone other than birthparents): What is their relationship to the character? Are they still alive? At what age did the caretakers begin to raise this character? Did the caretakers know the birth parents and if so, how was their relationship? Did the character know the birth parents? How did the father/caretaker1 treat the character? How did the mother/caretaker2 treat the character? How did the character treat their father/caretaker1? How did the character treat their mother/caretaker2? Siblings (if any): Are they still alive, if not who died and when? Describe how each one treats this character: Describe how this character treats each one of his siblings: Does this character still keep in contact with their siblings? How has this character's relationship changed with their siblings since childhood? How did s/he get along with the family as a whole? How did s/he get along with the siblings, if any? Describe their family life/dynamic, growing up: Describe their family life/dynamic now: Favorite parent: Why? Family (that they have created, if at all) Partner(s): Is this their first marriage/family? (if not, copy, paste, and answer these questions for the previous marriages/families too): How, why and when did they divorce/split? Was it mutual? If they had children, who kept them? If it was a death, what happened, and when? Did they get remarried, and if so to whom? How did the children, if any, respond to that? Are they legitimately married? If not, are the other characters aware of this? When did they get married? How did they meet? How did he propose, or how was she proposed to? Mistress(es)/Secret Lover(s)/ Lover(s) outside of marriage: Does the spouse/partner know? If so how and when did they find out? How did they react, and what was the end result? Any illegitimate children with them, and if so who? Does anyone know? If so, how and when did they find out? How did they react and what was the end result? Children and their ages: Who are each of their parents (ie: from which marriage, if any other)? Were any conceived/born out of wedlock, if so, which ones? How does (each) son/daughter treat of this character? How does this character treat (each) son/daughter? How does (each) son/daughter think of this character? How does this character think of (each) son/daughter? How does this character's relationship change with their child/children as they grew older? Spiritual Characteristics Religion: Does the character believe in a god or goddess? What are the character's spiritual beliefs? Is religion or spirituality an important part of this character's life? If so, what role does it play? Superstitions: Chinese Zodiac: Astrological Zodiac: Element: What If If this character were an animal, what would they be? Why? If this character were the opposite sex what would they . . . Do? Say? Feel? If this character were to be characterized by an object, what would it be? Why? What would/does this character do if confronted with someone identical in personality? What would/does happen if this character became physically handicapped, and how would that change them? What would/does this character do if spontaneously placed in a whole new and unfamiliar environment/country/planet/etc? If they don't already, what would this character do/act like if they had a child? Other What song best fits this character? If you could compare this character to an existing character, who would s/he be and why? If you could choose an actor for this character, who would it be? If you could choose a voice actor for this character, who would it be? Who/what was your character inspired by? How the Character is Involved in the Story Character's role in the story (main character? hero? Villain? etc): Scene where character first appears: Relationships with other characters: Where, how and when did s/he first interact with other characters: What was this character's life like before something, if anything, happened to change it all: How Character is different at the end of the novel from when the novel began: Background Story: Additional Notes on This Character: