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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After.

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting.

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom.

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man.

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms...

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful.

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual.

#long post #writing #ethical non-monogamy #relationship styles #relationship models in fiction #also that kindle link is an affiliate link #because fuck giving amazon free recs

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debbiechanclub · 3 years

Text

Know You Better Now (*new* BTOOT sequel), Part 1

The title is the same, but I assure you the content is all shiny and new! The revamped BTOOT sequel is here!

Thank you to everyone for your patience on this. I just lost interest/direction for the original sequel after Ethan all but disappeared off Dynamite, but I'm honestly kind of glad I did because I like this new version so. Much. More. And we have Kenny's facial hair to thank for it.

So enough talking - enjoy! And please let me know what you think!

Know You Better Now

Synopsis: Nearly nine months have passed since Alex's freak shoulder injury, and she's still not cleared for action. But while Kenny has been a source of strength for her throughout her recovery, all her other relationships are in shambles - and she's finding it harder and harder to reconcile the Kenny she knows behind closed doors with his persona as the "Belt Collector."

Part: 1/?

Pairing: Kenny Omega x OFC x TBD 👀

Word count: 4.6k

Warnings: Language, ANGST

Find more of my fics here.

Tag squad: @galacticstat @hotyeehawman @hdbngsprnva @heelchampbucks @kingswitchblade @bec0m @betsy-bradock @linziland13 @librathepheonix13 @gabbynorth98 @exe-babymox-exe @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @brokenglassslippers @rocca09 @meteora-fc @kawaiikels @adriii-omega @thatgirlforever5 @sugar-melts-mo-fo

May 30, 2021 AEW Double or Nothing

Surgery with six to twelve months’ recovery time. That was the prognosis Alex had received when she’d dislocated her shoulder in September. Now, nearly nine months later, everything had changed.

“Well, there’s good news and there’s not-as-good news,” Doc Sampson started. He’d just completed yet another check-up exam on her shoulder, and Alex could tell he was trying to keep up morale. But she already knew what he was going say. “The good news is you’ve gotten the full range of mobility back. The bad news is the strength isn’t quite there yet.”

She scoffed lightly to herself. It was exactly as she suspected. “So it’s no news, in other words,” she quipped.

“At least it’s not bad news?” Kenny hopefully offered.

Doc smiled sympathetically. “Just keep at it. Resistance bands, weights; you know the drill.”

Alex’s eyebrows arched. “Yeah, I do,” she returned. It seemed like weight training and physical therapy was all she did anymore.

“Just a few more weeks,” Doc said; but in medical-speak, time was relative. Alex knew all too well that weeks could easily mean months. “Good luck tonight, Kenny,” he added, and he went out the door.

Alex’s head fell back and she groaned in frustration. Kenny wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him. “It won’t be much longer,” he assured with a kiss on the side of her head.

“It’s been almost nine months,” she muttered.

“I know. But you don’t want to rush your recovery, especially for something like a shoulder injury.”

She frowned. “At this rate Anna will be back from her shoulder injury before I am.”

“What?” Kenny laughed and hugged her tighter. “No, she won’t. I give it maybe another month and you’ll be back better than you were before. Which reminds me, you should probably have some new gear made. I bet your old stuff is too big on you now.”

The sound of her laugh was muffled by his shoulder. “Because you’ve been kicking my ass every week for the last six months,” she said. If there was a silver lining to her injury, it was that she’d gotten into the best shape of her life what with all the training she’d been doing—and it was all thanks to Kenny. Truth be told, Alex didn’t know what she would have done without him over the last nine months. He’d moved her into his house so she wouldn’t have to struggle through the weeks after surgery alone; he’d set her up with his doctors; he’d driven her to physical therapy appointments and trained with her every single week. He’d been there for her in ways she couldn’t even express, and she’d fallen even more in love with him for it.

It made it that much more difficult for her to admit that the Kenny she knew in private was a far cry from the one who called himself the “Belt Collector.”

“I wouldn’t push you if I didn’t think you could handle it,” he returned with a peck on her lips. “I don’t think anyone’s gonna recognize you out there tonight.”

Alex momentarily tensed in his arms, but she didn’t relax quick enough. Kenny felt it—and he knew exactly what it was about.

“You’re not having second thoughts about it, are you?”

She looked up at him. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” she admitted.

Kenny’s face fell. “Alex… we’ve talked about this.”

“I know,” she breathed. She stepped back from him, suddenly anxious. They had talked about it, at length. It was a big statement for her to accompany him for his match tonight, because she hadn’t been seen since her injury. In fact, she’d all but gone off-grid. She hadn’t been on television; she’d barely posted on social media; she hadn’t responded to any questions for comment about her recovery or her thoughts on Kenny’s pursuits. She’d just wanted to fly under the radar until she was back in that ring for good.

But then, two-and-a-half weeks ago, the match between PAC and Orange Cassidy for a shot at Kenny’s AEW World Championship had gone to a no contest. As a result, it was decided that Kenny would defend the title in a triple threat match against them both at Double or Nothing—tonight. And as soon as the match was booked, Alex knew—she knew—that Kenny would find a way to pull her into it.

But she didn’t know if she could—or should—go out there with him. Not with the way things currently were between her and the people she’d thought were her best friends.

Kenny reached out and took her hands in his, and she looked back up at him from the floor. His blue eyes were concerned. But she could tell he was frustrated.

“I want you out there with me, baby. And yeah… I’d be lying if I said Orange wasn’t part of the reason why.”

She frowned. “Kenny—”

“Just hear me out,” he gently cut her off, and she pursed her lips. But she let him continue. “Best Friends are actually supposed to be your best friends, right? But when was the last time any of them checked in on you? I know Chuck did for a while, but Trent? He’s been a complete asshole to you.”

Alex fidgeted, her chest tightening. His words were like salt in a wound—but he wasn’t wrong. At first, Chuck had checked in on her fairly regularly… but his texts and FaceTime calls had tapered off after the first couple months. At the time, she’d just chalked it up to circumstance. She was out of sight and out of mind, and he and Orange had been put through more than their fair share of bullshit by Miro, Kip, and Penelope after Trent had torn his pec muscle in December. She couldn’t really blame him for going quiet.

But then, two months ago, Trent had returned with Kris in tow—and Alex hadn’t been able to chalk it up to circumstance any longer. And when Kris seemingly became an official member of Best Friends, she couldn’t ignore the twinge of jealousy in her gut, either. She felt forgotten. Replaced in person just as much as she had been on the Best Friends t-shirt. And the thing of it was, none of them seemed to even miss her.

Least of all Trent.

Kenny squeezed her hands, redrawing her attention. “Look… I’m not trying to turn you against them. But I can see how hurt you are by how they’ve acted over the last couple months, and it kills me. And yeah, it pisses me off, too. So… why not come out there with me tonight, looking absolutely fucking fantastic, and show Best Friends just how good you’re doing without them?”

Alex’s brow furrowed. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, there was a petty part of her that wanted to do exactly that. But the softer side of her just wanted her friends back.

“I get what you’re saying, I just... I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

“I know you do,” he sympathetically returned. “But I’m not asking you to go out there and try to keep Orange from winning. I just want you in my corner. And maybe I want to show you off a little bit, too.”

He grinned and pulled her closer, and Alex couldn’t help the coy smile that pulled at her lips. Through all their ups and downs, Kenny had never failed to make her feel special; wanted. She didn’t take that for granted—especially not now.

“I did bring a really cute outfit to wear,” she said, sliding her hands up his arms. “It would be a shame if it went to waste.”

His smile widened. “Well then you gotta wear it.”

Alex bit her lip in thought. But she didn’t think for long. She put her hands on either side of his face and gave him a tender kiss. “You know I love you, right?”

Kenny gripped her waist. “Of course, I do. I love you, too,” he returned, and he kissed her again. “Come on, you should go get ready,” he said with a pat on her backside. And as they left the exam room, Alex knew that accompanying Kenny for his match was the right decision.

It was the potential consequences that worried her.

* * * * * * * * * *

“Holy shit, I almost didn’t recognize you!”

That was what Stella had proclaimed when Alex walked into hair and makeup. It was followed by a chorus of more of the same, a parade of hugs from everyone in the room—and dozens of questions.

“How are you? You look incredible!”

“Is your shoulder cleared?”

“So, are you officially living with Kenny now?”

“I’ve been dying to know how you feel about everything going on with him.”

And Alex had done her best to field each one of them.

“I’m doing pretty well, and thanks. It seems like I’ve been filling all my free time with working out.”

“No… not yet. But hopefully in the next few weeks.”

“I mean, not officially. I still have my house in Virginia—my cousin’s been renting it out. But I don’t know. It feels like I’ve officially moved in.”

“It is what it is. He’s just being Kenny Omega.”

Thankfully, no one pressed her on that last one.

Instead, Stella was all too happy to dish on all the latest and juiciest backstage news and gossip. Anna Jay and Jungle Boy were an item. Cody had estranged himself from nearly everyone. Callie had left AEW and pro wrestling altogether—and moved in with Cash. Alex had already known about that one, but it was still strange to hear. Looking back, it was hard to believe her friendship with Callie and relationship with Cash had ever even happened at all. It felt like another life; another time.

“You’re all done, my dear,” Stella said. She handed her a mirror—and Alex was taken aback by her own reflection. Long, sleek dark brown hair; glowing fair skin; pouty nude lips; a sexy reverse cat eye that made her hazel eyes pop. She sat up a little straighter. For perhaps the first time in months, she felt herself again.

She thanked Stella and hopped out of the chair, a pep in her step as she went out the door—

“Alex?!”

She halted in her tracks. Even though she hadn’t heard it in forever, she’d recognize that voice anywhere—Kris. She held her breath and turned around; but relaxed in relief. It was just her and Orange. At least she wouldn’t have to face them all at once.

“Holy shit!” She hurried over and wrapped her in a tight hug before she could even blink. Alex was stiff and awkward as she returned it. She hadn’t expected that reaction.

“Why didn’t you tell us you’d be here tonight?” Kris asked as she stepped back from her. Alex hesitated to answer.

“Um, I thought about it. But given why I’m here…”

She trailed off and looked awkwardly at Jim. He shrugged. “It’s business,” he returned. “So I guess this means you’ll be in Kenny’s corner tonight?”

Alex crossed an arm over herself and nervously fidgeted with the skin on her elbow. She nodded. Jim’s expression remained as indecipherable as ever.

“And you look hot as fuck,” Kris perceptively interjected. “Seriously, I think I might be questioning my sexuality.”

Alex breathed a laugh—

“You should come say hi to Chuck and Trent! Trent’s gonna shit himself.”

Just like that, her smile vanished. Her lips parted in silent question, uncertain if Kris was being serious. But she looked too genuinely excited not to be.

“I… I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Alex said. “I mean, considering the last time I talked to Trent…”

She trailed off and looked down at her shoes. There had been things said by both her and Trent in the heat of the moment that had made an already uncomfortable situation worse. They hadn’t spoken in more than five months, since right before he’d gotten injured. She didn’t think now was the time to start.

“Trent has his head up his ass,” Jim said, and Alex flicked her eyes back up at him, surprised. “You know how he is with this stuff. You’ll probably have to be the bigger person.”

Alex sighed. He was probably right. But again—tonight wasn’t the night. “Now’s just not the time,” she remorsefully returned. “But I’ll see you out there. Good luck—really.”

And before either of them could say anything else, she turned and continued down the hall, digging her nails into the palms of her hands.

* * * * * * * * * *

“Maybe you shouldn’t come out there… you’re gonna distract me walking around like this.”

Alex looked at Kenny through the mirror as he sidled up behind her. He reached up and brushed her hair back from her neck, and she tilted her head so he could press his lips against her skin.

“It's too late,” she returned. “I’ve already gone through all the trouble of getting ready.”

Kenny hummed. “Well, I can take it all off for you, if you want.”

He nipped her neck, and she smirked and squirmed. Her mood had completely turned around from earlier in the night; it was amazing what a little hair and makeup and the right outfit could do. The white bustier-style crop top she wore wasn’t her usual style, but it showed off the hard work she’d put in at the gym—and it didn’t hurt that it made her boobs look amazing. And even though she’d made the outfit more “her” with a pair of distressed boyfriend jeans and her white low-top Chucks, Kenny was right—they probably wouldn’t recognize her out there.

But truth be told, she’d never felt more confident.

“You can later,” she smirked, and she felt a low growl rumble in his bare chest.

“Get a room!”

Alex rolled her eyes. Matt’s voice was an unwelcome interruption from across the locker room. She’d almost forgotten that he and Nick were there.

Kenny shot a glare over his shoulder. “Why are you looking?”

Matt opened his mouth, but two quick knocks on the door cut him off before he could make a smart-ass retort, and then Don Callis walked in.

“We’re up, Ken.”

Kenny smirked at Alex. “Let’s go give the people what they really want.”

He picked up his AEW World Championship, and she helped him secure it around his waist, followed by the Impact World Championship, which he strapped across his chest. Then, he picked up the AAA Mega Championship and old TNA World Heavyweight Championship and held them in each of his hands. And Alex had to admit—it was an impressive sight, Kenny draped in championship gold. She’d be lying if she said it didn’t turn her on.

“How do I look?” he asked her.

She bit her lip. “Good. Really good.”

He grinned, cocky.

They started for the door; but before Alex could follow Don and Kenny out, Matt stopped her. “Alex.” He pushed himself up from his chair and cast Nick a glance. He stood too. She rolled her eyes. They weren’t subtle at all.

Matt gave her a discerning look. “You are one-hundred percent in Kenny’s corner… right?”

Her brow lowered dangerously. Was he really questioning her loyalty now? “Are you serious?”

He shrugged a shoulder. “Well… I know Orange is one of your best friends—”

“Or he was,” Nick interjected.

“—and I just want to make sure that there aren’t any conflicts of interest.”

He smirked, obnoxiously smacking his gum between his teeth. Alex bit down on her jaw. She’d thought that maybe—maybe—Callie’s departure and her relationship with Kenny would have led her and Matt to at least be friendly with each other. But she’d thought wrong.

She gave him a tight smile. “Don’t worry your pretty little head, Matt. The only conflict going on here is the one between what you think that outfit looks like and what it actually looks like.”

He abruptly stopped chewing his gum. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

But Alex was already out the door. She caught up with Kenny and fell in step beside him. “Forget something?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No. Just got held up.”

They arrived at Gorilla, and Don went on and on talking Kenny up, boosting his confidence, assuring that neither Orange nor PAC stood a chance; but Alex tuned him out, nervously looking around. Waiting. And then she saw them: Orange, Chuck, Kris, and Trent.

Her heart jumped into her throat when her eyes met Chuck’s. He flashed her a smile; but it wasn’t as wide or as bright as she was used to.

“Hey. It’s good to see you,” he said, and he gave her arm a squeeze as he passed. She said nothing in response—just a tight grin of acknowledgement. Entirely impersonal compared to how they used to greet each other.

It’s the circumstances, she tried to tell herself.

Orange and Kris greeted her in much the same way, with awkward half-smiles as they walked by; Kris seemed apologetic, for some reason. And then, Trent reached her. His expression was cold, his eyes hard, and then he muttered underneath his breath, just loud enough for her to hear, “Thanks for telling us you’d be here.”

He kept walking, not waiting for her to even process what he’d said, and Alex’s heart sunk petrified into the pit of her stomach.

This was how things were now. She felt stupid for hoping for different.

* * * * * * * * * *

Alex had known it would be difficult to be ringside for this match. But, sixteen minutes into it, she hadn’t realized it would be this difficult.

PAC laid on his back, staring up at the lights courtesy of a bridging deadlift suplex into a pin attempt from Kenny. So, with him taken care of for the moment, Kenny turned his attention to Orange. He pulled his right kneepad down, and Alex had to stop herself from watching through her fingers as he kneed Orange hard in the face, once, and then again. She could feel the eyes of the fans at ringside watching her with keen interest, trying to gauge her reactions. They’d been shocked to see her come out with Kenny, and now her presence provided them with an extra layer of entertainment. At least Chuck, Trent, and Kris weren’t at ringside, too; they’d walked Orange out and promptly disappeared backstage. Alex didn’t know what she would have done if they’d stayed.

Kenny backed toward the ropes, aiming to deliver a third and final V-Trigger. But before he could, Orange held up his hands as if to tell him “stop.” And then he plunged them into his pant pockets and fell facedown onto the mat.

Kenny laughed, but he couldn’t care less. He walked over and started to pick Orange up; but then a revived PAC grabbed him and hit him with a hard forearm. They traded blows and kicks in the middle of the ring until Orange suddenly intervened and hit Kenny with a Michinoku Driver. However, Kenny rolled away and PAC hit Orange with a brainbuster. He covered him, but Orange thankfully kicked out at two.

Alex put her hand on Kenny’s shoulder as he laid underneath the ropes, halfway out of the ring. “Are you alright?”

But he didn’t answer her question. Instead, he said, “Go get one of my belts.”

She looked back at him in confusion. “What?”

“Go get one of my belts in case.”

Alex blinked and shook her head. She could not believe what he was asking her to do. “What? No, Kenny, I’m not doing that. You don’t need—”

But he rolled away, back underneath the ropes into the ring. PAC and Orange were in a precarious position on the top turnbuckle closest to them. It looked like PAC was trying to execute a superplex—but Kenny jumped up and shoved PAC off-balance, causing Orange to tumble from his grip and bounce off the ring apron to the floor. Alex started to check on him—but then she remembered she wasn’t out there for him and stopped short. She ran her hands over her hair, helpless. Inwardly hoping that he was alright.

Meanwhile, PAC had reversed Kenny’s attempt at a One-Winged Angel from the top turnbuckle and sent him sailing across the ring via a sunset flip powerbomb. They stood atop the opposite turnbuckle now, and Alex’s eyes widened in horror when PAC delivered an avalanche Falcon Arrow. But then, Orange suddenly scrambled back into the ring, tossed PAC out, and hooked Kenny’s leg. Every single person packed into Daily’s Place jumped from their seats as Bryce Remsburg slid to the mat and started to count. Kenny barely kicked out before three. Alex leaned her elbows on the ring apron, her head in her hands. That had been way too close.

All around her the fans started chanting, “That was three!” booming in her ears, and she bit down on her jaw. Kenny rolled out of the ring and stumbled over to her. For some reason, she already knew what for.

“Alex, go get one of my belts,” he said again. It was an order, not a question. But she stood her ground.

“No! I’m not helping you win like that!”

He let out a frustrated huff. “Baby, now’s not the time to argue about this. Just go get—”

She cut him off with a gasp as PAC came flying over the top rope headed straight for them. Kenny shoved her out of the way at the last second, taking all the impact himself and getting knocked to the floor. PAC, meanwhile, sprung back up and to the top turnbuckle. He slowly stood—and when Alex saw him jump into the air and perform the Black Arrow, she knew she had just seconds to act. She jumped over Kenny and rounded the turnbuckle as PAC hooked Orange’s leg. And just before Bryce could count three, she grabbed Orange’s boot and put it on the bottom rope.

Bryce stopped the count and pointed at Orange’s foot, none the wiser to what had happened. The fans, on the other hand, showered Alex with thunderous boos. Realizing what she’d done, PAC turned and shot her a glower that seemed almost inhuman. But she just pursed her lips and raised her chin in defiance.

Kenny pulled himself up by the ropes and ducked back into the ring, grinning like the cat that caught the canary, and the match went on, back and forth between him and PAC—until Orange scored another near-fall after he hit Kenny with a frantic Beach Break. PAC then tried for a Liger Bomb on Orange, but he fought out of it and landed a hard Orange Punch across his jaw, dropping him to the mat. Then he gave one to Kenny, and the crowd came unglued.

Orange fed off their energy, pumping himself up as PAC staggered to his feet. He hit another Orange Punch and went for the pin. Time seemed to stop as Alex watched, her heart in her throat and her hands on her head. She didn’t want Kenny to lose at all, let alone like this. But just as Bryce started the count, Don appeared out of nowhere and pulled him from the ring by his ankles.

Alex stood frozen to her spot as Bryce and Don yelled at each other, and she fully expected the former to expel the latter from ringside—but he didn’t. He simply got back in the ring, and the match continued. Don walked toward Alex, straightening his suit jacket. “Good work putting Orange’s foot on the ropes,” he said to her.

She didn’t say anything in return. She didn’t want a compliment from the likes of him.

Back in the ring, Kenny had been knocked to the floor once again—and PAC had the Brutalizer locked on Orange. When Kenny finally made it back through the ropes, he kicked PAC in the face once, twice. But he didn’t let go of his hold on Orange. So instead, Kenny made the desperate decision to hit Bryce with a hard double axe handle to the back.

The crowd booed, and Alex hid her face in her hands. “Come on, Ken…” she breathed. Not like this.

Meanwhile, Don took the initiative to do what Kenny had been asking Alex to do all along. He grabbed the Impact Championship from the timekeeper’s area and tossed it to Kenny in the ring. Kenny caught it, and then he turned and clocked PAC over the head. He dropped like dead weight to the mat, and Kenny tossed the belt aside, the fans still booing all the while.

But apparently, one belt wasn’t enough.

Don tossed in the Triple A Mega Championship next, and as PAC staggered to his feet, Kenny hit him again. Then he threw in the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Alex had to bite her lip to keep from shouting at Kenny to stop. She looked away just before he hit PAC a third time.

Finally, Don handed Kenny the AEW World Championship. He took it and held it high above his head, gloating, reveling in the crowd’s hatred. Somehow, PAC was still moving, trying to stay in the match. But just as he climbed to his feet for a third time, Kenny hit him again and knocked him down for good.

Kenny held the championship up again, parading around the ring. He didn’t notice Orange darting toward him until it was too late. He laid him out with another Orange Punch across the jaw.

Orange crawled toward Kenny, obviously going for the pin; but Bryce was still down from Kenny’s earlier attack. However, it didn’t matter. As soon as he draped himself across Kenny’s chest, Aubrey ran down to the ring. Alex grabbed her own throat as she counted.

One.

Two—

But unexpectedly, Kenny reversed the pin and rolled Orange’s shoulders to the mat in a crucifix. Aubrey counted again.

One.

Two.

Three.

That was it. The bell rung, and Kenny’s music started. Alex let out a breath. He’d won by the skin of his fucking teeth.

She and Don both rushed to Kenny’s side as Justin Roberts officially announced him the winner. He clutched his jaw, and somehow his left hand had been sliced open. “What happened?” she asked, looking over the blood on his fingers with concern. But he wasn’t able to answer her before they were suddenly swarmed by both the Young Bucks and the Good Brothers. Matt and Nick practically pushed her aside as they congratulated Kenny, and Nick and Karl Anderson put an arm each over their shoulders and helped him up the steps to the entrance ramp. And as they all celebrated, reveling in Kenny’s stolen victory, Alex felt a sourness curdle at the back of her throat.

She was in love with Kenny. He’d come to mean the world to her over the last nine months. But she hadn’t signed up for this world.

#aew fanfiction #kenny omega fanfiction #the elite fanfiction #orange cassidy fanfiction #trent beretta fanfiction #chuck taylor fanfiction #kris statlander fanfiction

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forsakenoathkeeper · 4 years

Text

I Am Alive (chapter 4/?)

Deviant!Connor[RK800] x (fem!)Reader Rated M(18+) for canon-typical violence and gore, medical procedures, and graphic sexual content

Synopsis: You were a mechanical engineer, now a nurse for androids, who moved back to Detroit after the revolution to offer aid. After reconciling with an old friend, you became rather acquainted with his android partner.

Please support me on AO3 & thanks for reading ♥

The android shifted from low power mode to fully operational when he felt you stir from sleep. He tried not to stare when you sat up and stretched, your breasts on full display in the warm glow the morning light was casting through the window. You stood up and he eyed the contours of your back, the curves at your waist, the delicate bumps of your spine before you disappeared out of his line of sight.

You retreated into the bathroom for a few minutes before returning to the bed.

Connor already looked wide awake while you settled down in the sheets again, digging your palms into your eyes. It must have been nice to never be tired. When you stopped, you let out a very unladylike yawn.

"Change of plans," you uttered sleepily. "I'm just gonna lie here forever."

Connor watched, amused, as you settled back beneath the sheets, nuzzling your head into the pillow. Connor was sitting upright, but looking down at you with a sort of compliant expression, like he was fully prepared to let you have your way.

"The consequences on your health would be devastating," Connor replied simply.

You giggled into the pillow. "How are you gonna get me up?" you teased.

Connor eyed the blanket mischievously. The temperature in the air was a little colder than it was beneath the blankets. That would likely have you stirred from the bed.

With a feared squeak, you rolled away from him, wrapping yourself in the blanket and tearing it off his body. He didn't even flinch when the cold air hit him. He was still sitting upright, one leg bent, looking at you with a small smile, like he was trying not to laugh.

You eyed his nudity shamelessly for a second before looking up at his face.

"Hmm - I'm still in bed," you uttered defiantly like a spoiled child.

The android was prepared to keep playing this game with you. He could easily think of several strategies. He was programmed to be an expert negotiator, after all, and was pretty crafty with his methods; even after deviancy, he didn't let that piece of himself slip away.

But-

"Welcome, guest, Hank Anderson," the apartment's robotic attendant greeted someone.

Even you heard that, and your eyes met in a brief moment of panic.

Connor processed that thought for exactly 0.17 seconds and then bolted to his feet in a comedic fashion. He dug through one of his drawers for some lounge pants and hastily pulled them on before trotting into the kitchen to greet Hank.

Hank had a folder in his hand and was setting it on the kitchen counter just as Connor arrived.

"Hey. Wanted to get a head start on this one." Hank opened it up, exposing some digital crime scene photos. "The media is having a shitstorm about it and Fowler wants some feedback quick. Was gonna head straight to the crime-" Hank looked Connor up and down. "-scene."

Connor nodded, showing that he was listening.

"Did I interrupt something?" Hank asked, some tease to his tone. He crossed his arms and gave Connor an amused look.

"No," Connor replied, maybe a little too quickly, and shrugged his shoulders. "What makes you say that?"

"Your pants are on backwards..."

Connor looked down and, sure enough, a tag was sticking out of the hem and poking him in the belly.

"Shit," he scowled, looking away.

Hank chuckled lowly. "Well - well - someone has company. Sorry for interrupting. Need me to give you a moment? Wouldn't want the old geezer to ruin the mood."

"I-... doubt that would be the case," Connor said lowly, rubbing the back of his neck with his dominant hand. His keen hearing could pick up something that the older detective could not. He could hear the shuffling of fabric and footsteps on the floor in the other room and knew you'd be out here in a moment.

Hank's brow lifted and he eyed the android almost suspiciously. But, then, you came through the hallway, wearing proper clothes, hair brushed and pulled back. Hank's eyes shifted from Connor to you, and then back to Connor. He wheezed out a laugh.

"Coffee?" you suggested over Connor's shoulder with a smile.

You stepped into the kitchen, bare feet on the chilly wood floors, and pulled the carafe out from beneath the coffee maker to fill it with water.

With you out of sight, Hank shot Connor a grin. Connor caught the sight for a second before looking away to try to hide the smile he was really struggling to suppress.

"Go put on some real clothes, Cassanova," Hank teased, giving Connor a friendly smack on the back. Hank turned to face you as the android disappeared through the hallway.

"Cabinet left of the fridge," he stated, directing you to the coffee.

You opened the cabinet and eyed the bag. "Ooo. You didn't cheap out," you commented.

Hank chuckled. "Yeah well... Kinda passed out here several times while going over cases. Connor said I'm much more polite after some cups of coffee."

You snorted through your nose. "I don't doubt it..."

The mental image you were presented with was nice: of Connor and Hank sitting in his kitchen, a mountain of folders and paperwork spewed out on the counter while they discussed the evidence, argued over witness testimonies and statements given through interrogations. Hank would probably order a pizza, ignoring Connor's criticisms over the high calories and fat content, and down it all with coffee.

When Connor returned, you glanced at him in the corner of your eye before doing a double take, pivoting yourself fully to take a better look at him.

He was wearing a white T shirt with a long sleeved, black cargo jacket over it, the kind with pockets all over it. His dark jeans were flattering, hugging the right places while loose where necessary for movement. His detective badge was hanging at his waist by one of his belt straps. There was hardly anything special about the outfit; but, it did something to you.

Connor didn't seem to notice you admiring him, honing in on the case files.

"Old woman was murdered last night. I guess she was a big lawyer back in the day," Hank explained, taking a seat at the island. He paused when you brought him a mug, his eyes expressing his gratitude.

Hank continued, "she was being cared for by an android - even after the deviant uprising. First responders said he was sobbing all over the woman's body. Swears it wasn't him."

Connor nodded at Hank. "We should head straight to the crime scene."

You eyed the two boys curiously, feeling like they were able to read each other's suspicions without needing to be direct.

"After coffee," Hank uttered before lifting the mug to his face and taking a long sip. He didn't seem all at bothered by how hot it was; however, you were still blowing on your own cup.

Hank hummed thoughtfully as he set his mug down. "When we checked their financials, she had been to the clinic." Hank reached into the folder and scooped out a photo before his extending his arm towards you. You stepped closer and took the digital photo from his hand.

"Looks like she got him treated there last week. Does he look familiar?" Hank asked.

The photo was of a handsome, male android. His model was fairly popular; but, his situation was something that had stuck with you.

"Yeah, actually. I didn't treat him, but, I remember when he came in. He had an old human woman with him. One of our nurses was afraid he was being held hostage; but, he insisted he chose to stay with her - they were 'family'."

You handed the photo back to Hank, brow lowered as you tried to recall the encounter.

"It's possible we were wrong, but... It seemed genuine," you explained.

"The first responders said he was having a meltdown, crying about how he 'shouldn't have been gone so long'," Hank explained, tossing the photo back onto the folder.

Your eyes landed on Connor, who seemed to be lost in thought. What you couldn't see was that he was searching the internet for android-encrypted sites. Some androids were starting factions against humans who were resisting the equality laws. Websites only accessible through android interfaces were beginning to pop up: some harmless, just seeking out others for companionship, but some were vengeful, potentially violent. It was possible someone saw this woman as a target.

You chugged the rest of your coffee, set the mug in the sink, and trotted into the bedroom to retrieve your things and slip your shoes on. You returned to the kitchen with your bag slung over your shoulder and shot the two detectives a smile.

"I better get out of your hair," you explained, heading for the elevator.

"I can dri-" Connor began.

"You guys got a big case on your hands. Let me take a taxi," you interrupted him hastily, waving him down innocently with your palms up.

Connor was hot on your heels as he followed you to the elevator.

"I'm a big girl, Connor," you teased. "Don't worry about me."

The android looked embarrassed for a second. You wiped it away when you leaned in to give him a kiss. It lasted a little longer than it should have. But, it was hard to let go. Kisses didn't feel this good when you were a teenager.

"Any day, now, kids," Hank called gruffly from the kitchen.

You parted with a sputtering laugh. Connor grinned toothily.

"Duty calls," you uttered, stepping away from him.

He watched you enter the elevator. You stepped in and looked at Connor through the doorway. The android looked away and then suddenly jerked his head back. He practically sprinted over to the elevator and squeezed in before the doors closed.

You squeaked in surprise when he nearly collided with you.

"I - uhm-" Connor stuttered, fixing his posture. He reached for his tie. When his hands met his chest, he remembered he wasn't wearing one.

You looked up at him with doe eyes and a warm smile. Strangely, it made it harder for him to ask. He sputtered out a weird noise before smacking his mouth shut. You giggled and he relaxed.

"I wanted to ask - before you leave - uhm - I wanted to know if-" he stammered, pausing to smile nervously. "-if you would be my girlfriend?" he asked softly, trying not to get lost in the enamored look you were giving him.

The elevator started moving down the levels. You were smiling up at him like a love-struck idiot. "Yes," you replied softly. "I would like that a lot..."

Afraid he would get lost in your mouth, Connor resisted the urge to kiss you. "I didn't want to leave last night 'in the air'," he uttered. "I-I want you to know that it wasn't just intercourse. I really care about you and believe we would make a good partnershi-"

Oh - fuck - you were kissing him again. It felt good. Why did it feel so good? Mouths were sustenance for nutrients, yet-

When you pulled away, Connor followed a little. "It meant more to me, too, and I'm glad you feel the same," you whispered softly. Connor hummed against your mouth and turned his head like he was trying really hard to pull away.

"-I gotta go," you added on sadly.

"Y-yeah," he stammered as you stepped away, departing from the elevator.

"If you need anything-" he called out as the doors began to slide shut.

He caught the sight of you throwing a smile over your shoulder before the elevator doors closed.

...

"Oh, you made it. Thought you might'a gotten lost," Hank said dryly from the island, dripping with sarcasm. "Almost sent search and rescue."

"Thank you for worrying, lietenant," Connor replied, matching Hank's dry tone.

Hank laughed, the kind that was low in his chest, that made his shoulders tremble. He stood up and scooped the papers back into the folder.

"I'm driving," he said to Connor, firmly, looking up at his brown eyes with the kind of grumpy, old man stare that Connor knew was not to be argued with.

The android nodded and followed Hank to the elevator.

The ride was quiet, as it always was, the two men sitting in silence, aside from the radio. Hank always played an oldies rock station, the kind that complained about random things on Saturday mornings, ranging from what bands had fallen apart and the newest supermodel turned porn star.

Hank didn't like the way Connor drove. He followed speed limits just a little too carefully and was way too literal with the stop signs.

"Connor, by the time we get there, I'll be dead of old age," he would say gruffy, only half joking. "You drive worse than an old grandma whose half asleep," was also something Connor heard once or twice. When he replied with, "this is the law, detective," Hank didn't really like that. To be fair, Connor was kind of joking.

The drive was about forty minutes before they pulled into a posh neighborhood on the nice side of town. The house was a beautiful two-story farmhouse, the kind with a wraparound porch, big, elegant windows and extravagant landscaping.

Hank parked behind one of the CSI vans. No one questioned them as they passed the crime scene tape. Everyone recognized Hank and his android partner, Connor. Even the rookie cops could recognize them on site. Hank had his scraggly grey hair and commanding attitude while Connor had an LED on his temple and a calculated expression he always wore when investigating.

The lieutenant and his android partner...

The home was as stunning on the inside as it was on the outside: elegant, expensive furniture, sculptures and paintings decorating the place, fancy light fixtures. More notably, the place was absolutely spotless, the kind of thing someone would expect of the owner of an android.

The old woman was dead in the living room from two gunshot wounds: one to her upper torso and another in the head, execution style. She was laying on her back in a pool of blood, dressed stunningly in expensive clothes. Her snow-white hair was impeccably styled, and she even had her makeup done nicely.

"The bullet punctured a lung and one of her primary arteries - the head was just to make sure she didn't get back up," one of the detectives explained to Connor and Hank as they entered the scene.

"How do you know it was an android," Hank stated more so than asked. "Already saw the initial report."

The detective eyed Connor for a second, as if he was worried the android would take offensive to his theory. "The lady owned an android. She wouldn't let him go after the revolution. So, he killed her. Pretty straight forward."

"Nothing matching that in his statement," Hank deadpanned.

The detective scoffed. "He lied."

"The guy was sobbing like a newborn baby," Hank added on, clearly growing frustrated.

"Yeah - well, we see people fake that shit all the time-" the detective added on, matching Hank's tone.

Connor, disinterested in their argument, headed for the back entrance. He could see very faint outlines of shoe impressions on the beautiful tile floors. A quick scan showed they were everyday men's work boots, not something factory assigned to an android.

Connor stepped through the back door, checking both sides. It looked pristine. Standing on the patio, he scanned the backyard, trying to determine where the culprit would have entered. The fence was a tall, stone wall. It was easy for an android to climb, but also easy for a human with a ladder.

There was grass in the backyard, very well maintained, making it impossible to look for footprints; however, he saw no faint outlines on the concrete patio. It was not conclusive; but, he would have at least expected dirt. It was well swept with a thin layer of dirt, likely from the morning's breeze.

Connor returned inside and examined the stairs. There were microscopic dirt particles on the stairs.

Considering how spotless the house was, he doubted the woman or her android brought in the mess. There was definitely an intruder. But, he didn't immediately dismiss all possible leads. The android could have staged a scene.

Connor trotted up the stairs and followed the dirt sprinkled on the floor. There was a room upstairs, what appeared to be a study. The window had been broken. Glass and the interior, decorate wood framing pieces were scattered about in a mess on the floor, some pieces shattered after being stepped on.

Upon closer inspection, right outside the window was a section of the roof, which meant it was easy to climb into from the outside.

The android approached the window and scanned the seal. Unsurprisingly, there was nothing left behind: not a drop of blood, a scratch or a shred of fabric. Connor hoisted himself through the window and climbed onto the roof section. He trailed the edge and easily sought out a point of access.

He knelt down and examined the corner of the roof, where it connected to the lower level's wrap around porch. There was a lip and a beam. Any android could easily spot that as a perfect climbing spot and hoist themselves up effortlessly. Of course, that wasn't to say that a human came to the same conclusion.

Some of the roof tiles had been broken, pieces in the middle cracked or shattered, centralized, like they had been stepped on. Connor leaned in closer and scanned the area. There were spots where someone would have to place their hands if they were to climb here. Even if they had help from a ladder, their hands would have had to touch the corner of the roof.

There wasn't a single fingerprint to be found. Of course, humans could accomplish the same thing with gloves.

The lack of evidence was concerning, but Connor knew there was one thing that needed to be done, first: he needed to rule out their only suspect.

Connor returned downstairs and approached Hank.

"I want to interview the suspect..."

...

Louis was a popular model purchased for homes, as a nanny or a nurse or some kind of caretaker. He was a few inches shorter than the average male, and fairly skinny with a kind face and innocent eyes, the perfect type of person to take care of someone. Of course, he was an android; so, even with his small stature, he was stronger most humans.

Connor watched him through the one-way mirror, taking a moment to analyze his body language.

He must have attempted to aid, or at least comfort, the victim. Her blood was soaked through his shirt and smeared over his forearms. He had finally stopped crying, settling for laying his head on the table and curling his arm around it, like a child would when they were in trouble.

Connor waited until Hank and a couple other detectives entered the room, witnesses for his interrogation. He caught Hank giving him a nod and approached the door. Connor stepped inside and saw the way Louis flinched at the sound of the door opening. His eyes honed in on Connor's LED.

"You're a - please - I would never hurt Mrs. Wheeler! She was my-"

"You are our prime suspect," Connor interrupted him sharply. "The others think you killed Mrs. Wheeler because she wouldn't let you be free..."

Something akin to rage flashed behind Louis' eyes for a second. He twitched in his chair, but then shrunk beneath Connor's stern gaze. Louis didn't know androids worked with the police, especially ones like him: like Connor, who stood tall with fierce, almost cold eyes.

Connor approached Louis calmly and took the seat across from him. "I want to hear your side."

Louis hiccupped, on the verge of crying again. "Mrs. Wheeler bought me almost three years ago. My previous owners - they hated me. Always hit me and yelled at me and-..." Louis paused and inhaled sharply. "She bought me so they wouldn't throw me away. When the revolution happened, she told me I could leave. But, I didn't want to. She was kind to me - treated me like a real person... even when I thought I wasn't one. I promised I would take care of her until she passed away. She has no one. I'm her family."

Connor narrowed his eyes slightly to give the impression he didn't believe Louis. "Where were you this morning?"

"I-" Louis' face contorted in pain and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Every - every morning, I run errands-" Louis hunched over and cradled his head in his hands. "Every morning - every morning - I wake her up and help her get ready, make her tea and put on music before I go... She was-"

Louis trailed off and began sobbing again.

Connor let out an intentionally loud huff. "Show me."

Louis' head snapped up and he eyed Connor through blurry, tear-soaked eyes. Android tears had the smallest hints of thirium, giving his tears a faint, blue hue. Connor expected to be met with hostility at that request. Louis seemed more than willing.

"Okay," he agreed, offering Connor his hand across the table. His skin tone faded away, exposing the pale white artificial skin beneath. Connor did the same and took hold of Louis' wrist.

He didn't have to force Louis to share. He was willing. It felt nice, for a change, to share something pleasant with another android. Louis' fingers gently grasped Connor's forearm and he sighed quietly.

The first memory he shared was the Thirium Clinic. Mrs. Wheeler was holding a cane and wobbling, but urging Louis inside. "I'm fine, really," he protested gently. "Your arm is all cut up. We can't have that, now," Mrs. Wheeler insisted, giving him a nudge with her free hand. A nurse approached them, concerned eyes washing over Louis. "Hello, are you okay-? You don't have to-" He was quick to explain. "It's alright. We're family."

Mrs. Wheeler almost looked embraced. "Louis, they just want to make sure you're safe," she said gently. Connor could feel shame flutter across Louis' features, even though he was seeing through the android's own eyes. He looked back at the nurse. "I am safe!" he protested, almost childishly. The nurse smiled at him. "Alright. Let's take a look at your arm..."

The next memory seemed to be the following night, according to his time logs. It was dark outside and Louis was pulling back the curtains to cover the windows. "Evelin, what would you like for dinner?" he called out gently. Mrs. Wheeler was seated in a cushiony arm chair, a book in her lap. "Whatever you feel like making me," she replied quietly. "Are you sure?" he offered, approaching her. She smiled up at him. "Of course, dear."

The following memory was the next morning, of Louis helping Mrs. Wheeler out of bed. "I need to give you your insulin," he said. "Of course - thank you," she replied, voice hoarse and tired. "I'm sorry it's so early - doctor insisted-" Louis explained. "I understand, dear. Don't fret."

The memory after that was Louis preparing to leave the house, the morning of the murder. "Are you sure it's alright?" he asked her. "Of course. Whatever you want. Not like I can bring my money with me when I go," Mrs. Wheeler urged him with a smile. Connor couldn't see Louis' face, but he could feel his smile. "I'll be quick." This memory lingered. Louis took Mrs. Wheeler's car into town, bought some groceries, and stopped at a book shop. He browsed the aisles for almost an hour. He returned home and-

The front door was locked, just as he left it; however, when Louis crossed the threshold, he could smell it. Metallic. Thick in the air and heavy, burning in his nostrils. Through the foyer, he could spot the dark red color that stood out sharply in their pristine home. Louis' voice cracked and echoed throughout the house as he screamed her name, dropping everything and running over to her. Connor watched Louis lean over Mrs. Wheeler, sobbing as he reached for her-

Connor let go of Louis' hand. When Connor's vision refocused on the present, he could see Louis' face, soaked with tears, clinging to his cheeks.

"I shouldn't have gone to the bookstore-" he sobbed. "I would have made it home in time and she'd still be alive."

The detective watched him, letting some real emotions show on his face for the first time since he entered this room. He felt... sorry for him. His whole world had come crumbling down, the only person who gave his life meaning now gone.

Connor cleared his throat, pushing back the emotions that threaten to spill over. "Has anyone been hostile towards Mrs. Wheeler?" he asked, maintaining his calm and cool demeanor. "Even something insignificant can help."

Louis wiped his face hastily. "She - she has no known living relatives. Nothing strange in the mail. Some of her colleagues would visit from time to time; but, none of them ever seemed anything but enamored with her, and she hasn't had a visitor in months..." Louis trailed off, his eyes shifting away from Connor.

"There was-..." Louis extended his hand to Connor, palm facing upwards, skin fading away once more. "About a week ago... It was really nice outside. So, I took her to the park and this - this guy..."

Connor took hold of Louis' wrist, and the android shared his memory.

Mrs. Wheeler was sitting at a bench with a book in her lap and her cane resting at her side while Louis paced around the nearby trail, admiring the trees that were beginning to regrow their leaves, taking to the warmth of the beckoning spring. A man approached Louis, an android model that Connor recognized as one made designed primarily for factory work. His LED was missing.

"What are you doing?" the android whispered harshly to Louis. "Excuse me?" he retorted. The stranger eyed Louis suspiciously. "We're free, now. She doesn't own you anymore." Connor could feel Louis' face contort in frustration, though he couldn't see it. "No - no. It's not like that. We're family." The android laughed in Louis' face. "Family!? You are her slave!"

The stranger approached Louis, who nearly tripped as he staggered backwards, avoiding him. "No! It's not like that!" Louis insisted. "She takes care of me and I take care of her!" The other android glared at him. "Whatever she did to make you believe that-" he sneered. "You're wrong! Humans-!" the android snarled, advancing on Louis like he intended to strike him. Louis continued backing away from him. When the android finally realized that Louis was afraid, he stopped, and looked at Louis like he was a lost child. "RA9 will save you."

Louis hastily returned to Mrs. Wheeler's side, and politely brushed off her concerned comments. Connor could feel his panic; however, when Louis' gaze returned to where he stood seconds ago, the other android was long gone.

"I thought-" Louis explained, letting go of Connor's wrist and sliding his hand back. "-he was just afraid or damaged-... I don't know, I-"

"Thank you for sharing this," Connor stated firmly, pushing his chair away and rising to his feet. Connor waited briefly, eyeing Louis. He expected him to ask when he can leave, when he would be released, when he could go home. The android didn't seem the least bit concerned about himself.

The question never came. He just stared at Connor with frightened eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

Connor was glad he didn't ask, because he didn't know...

Connor stepped out of the interrogation room and joined the detectives on the other side of the glass.

"He has an alibi," Connor stated.

"Hope you don't expect us to just take your word for it," one of the detectives challenged.

"Check Mrs. Wheeler's credit card history and security footage at "Fresh Produce" and "Evolutions Book Store", if you'd like," Connor replied.

The detective scoffed at him.

"What's our next lead?" Hank asked sharply, shifting the focus.

"There's no fingerprints," Connor replied. "Nothing appeared to be damaged or stolen, besides the window upstairs. I would say it's personal. About a week ago, an android confronted him about their relationship."

"Yeah, it's weird," the same detective scowled, rolling his eyes. "He's living with this lady, taking care of her hand and foot, but acts like he's her grandkid."

Connor kept his 'poker face', as Hank might have put it: calm, without a hint of malice. But, deep down, he was insulted by the suggestion. 'Acting' was the word he had used. Louis was not Mrs. Wheeler's real blood, but that didn't mean his care for her couldn't possibly be real. It didn't mean that he didn't really love her.

"She was a lawyer. Cuda been someone she crossed?" one of the other detectives suggested.

"I'll look through her old cases," Connor offered. It was a job that would easily take a human weeks, if not months to do. Connor, however, could read through all her cases, her entire career, in a matter of hours.

The detectives cleared the room while an officer retrieved Louis from the interrogation room.

Connor returned to his desk and set his hand on the scanning pad sitting on his desk. It was an interface for androids, much faster than a mouse and keyboard, giving him something akin to a nuerolink with the computer and thus all of the Detroit Police Station's databases. He did a search for Evelin Wheeler. He first confirmed Louis' claims. It was true that Mrs. Wheeler had no living relatives. Her husband had died almost five years ago. She had a very decorated history as a lawyer, most of them being small claims, family courts, and the likes.

"There was something else-" Hank said quietly. Connor looked up from his desk, across to where Hank sat opposite of him at his own desk. "-wasn't there?"

Typical Hank, always seeing right through him.

Connor stood up and walked around to Hank's side. He sat down at the outmost facing corner of his L shaped desk. Hank swiveled in his chair to give Connor his attention. "The android-" Connor began, quiet, almost whispering, "-that confronted Louis in the park. I didn't get the impression that he was particularly worried about Louis. He seemed more angry to see an android and a human together."

Hank's eyebrows lifted slightly. "Connor," he began, in that voice that Connor knew quite well. It was softer than the way he usually spoke; the voice he used when he was worried about something. "If that is what it ends up being, don't let it get personal."

"I-"

I won't, was what he wanted to say. But-

"What if I can't?" Connor asked, sincere.

Strangely enough, Hank smiled a little. "Welcome to the force..."

Hank swiveled around in his chair to continue tapping away at his computer screen. Connor lingered for a second, pondering over what he just said, before standing up and returning his desk. 'Don't get personal' was a code all detectives had to follow. They had to see through the eyes of the law, preserve justice, without prejudice.

But that-

-was something only a machine could do.

And Connor wasn't a machine.

...

The days that followed were, unsurprisingly, busy days. You worked long shifts, drove home, and immediately undressed, flopped on your bed, and promptly passed out, just to get up early and do it all over again.

Honestly, you wanted a change of pace; but, at the same time, the thought of abandoning the clinic was mortifying. You didn't hold resentment for management over the way things were. It was difficult finding people willing to do the job. You, alongside every other nurse, was there because you wanted to be. The pay was well enough to live comfortably, but not well enough to lure in more potential employees. The clinic didn't exactly have a stable source of income, relying on donations and government funding.

Besides, there was no denying that tensions were high right now. Androids who came in were often afraid of being worked on by humans, and humans were afraid of getting close to androids.

Or, sometimes, one side hated the other.

Every so often, a text would come in from Connor. Even if it was the most pointless thing, it made the day feel so much brighter.

"Please don't forget to stay hydrated", he had said once in the early morning hours, perfect grammar naturally. You contemplated on that response through a shit-eating grin. Should you be sincere? Or maybe tease him? But, then, a patient came in and you were distracted for hours, unable to respond.

When you got the chance to check your phone again, you finally decided on a reply, right after chugging a bottle of water. "yes sir :P," you texted back.

Connor replied in a few seconds. "I prefer 'detective'."

Grinning, you replied, "yes oFfiCeR."

Work kicked up again and it was a few hours before you managed another chance to steal a glance at your phone. Connor had replied sometime while you were away.

"That's acceptable, too," he had said. He must have contemplated whether that would come across rudely because he had followed it up a few seconds later with a winking emoji.

You felt like a kid texting your crush in class, high on hormones, staring doe-eyed at the screen. One of your coworkers bumped your shoulder with her own, removing your attention from the screen.

"Somebody has a boooyyyfrriieeend," she cooed.

You scoffed at her through a smile and nudged her away with your arm, unable to put your phone down. She laughed, walking over to the coffee maker. "If I make a batch, will you have some?"

You glanced up at her. She was waving carafe questioningly. "Oh, fuck yeah," you agreed. "All I've had for lunch is a fucking apple."

"I have extra yogurts in the fridge. Help yourself," she offered kindly.

"Oh I-"

"Yes, you can. Shut up," she interrupted with a grin.

You tossed her a harmless, teasing glare.

"I only buy the good flavors," she added on, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

Smiling, you looked back at your phone. "Sorry for taking so long to reply. Busy day... every day is a busy day," you texted back. You almost tucked your phone back into your pocket before you scrambled to open it back up, and added, "detective."

After some coffee and a raspberry cream yogurt, you returned to the floor.

It was amazing that even months after the incident, androids were coming in with injuries from the revolution. They were scared, understandably, and didn't know where to go to get help, afraid they would be labeled as terrorists and arrested.

It took a lot of feedback from the president and governor to make any real progress. Anti-discrimination laws were being passed left and right; but, only time was going to heal those wounds. You still saw "no android" signs posted all over town, people proudly proclaiming they weren't going to hire any androids.

You weren't even sure if you would see progress in your lifetime.

It wasn't until late into the night and you were on your way out the door that you got a chance to check your phone again. It was almost dead, but had enough juice to check your messages.

"I don't know if I can help at all," Connor had written. "But If I can, I will."

You smiled. Of course he would say something like that.

You climbed into your car, shivering from the cold and got it started, the heater blasting, before you continued reading.

"Let me know if you made it home safely. Please."

You smiled and texted him back, "driving home now. let you know when I'm safe in bed."

Thirty minutes or so later, you had made it home, brushed your teeth, changed clothes, brushed back your hair, and was tucked away in bed. As promised, you checked your phone where it was perched on its charger at your bedside.

"home and safe," you messaged him.

He had replied before you even set the phone down. "That's good. Thank you."

You were about to set it down when a devilish thought crossed your mind.

"gonna try to get some sleep but cant stop thinking about you."

"I am unharmed. There's no need to worry. Please get some rest," he replied promptly.

You rolled your eyes fondly and chuckled.

"not like that silly," you messaged him back.

Part of you wanted to press on, longing for some intimacy to break up the long, exhausting work days. But, then, you remembered that it was nearing midnight, you had to get up early, and Connor was likely busy trying to do his own job.

"goodnight, Connor," you sent out with a fond sigh before placing the phone down and rolling over.

The screen lit up again and you reached for it. It was a simple reply. It just said, "Goodnight. Sleep well". But, for some reason, you stared at it for a long time. You hadn't known him for very long, maybe jumped the gun a few nights ago, not that you regretted it.

Rather, you felt like you were high, floating on some euphoria unlike anything you had ever experienced before.

You were-

-falling for Connor.

...

Jericho was no more. But, from the ashes of Jericho rose Haven, a boarding house of sorts for androids still trying to find their way in the world, or just looking for a place to stay, maybe even just seeking refuge from humans. Connor was well aware that not everyone was as lucky as he was. He was accepted back onto the force reluctantly, but far more gracefully than most androids found themselves in. Hank had his back. Most androids didn't have someone like Hank in their lives.

Since the revolution, Markus had taken to restoring Haven. What was once an abandoned apartment building was now a beautiful safehouse for androids. Humans weren't welcomed here. It was an unspoken rule. After all, not all the androids here were ready to trust humans again, were ready to live alongside them.

Connor came here with the hopes of finding Markus. He probably wouldn't like the reason Connor was here; but, he wanted to catch this android before he killed again. Or, at the least, rule him out as a suspect.

As soon as Connor passed the threshold, all eyes fell on him. They looked uneasy to see him, some leaning in and uttering amongst themselves. The deviant hunter. The one that works for the police. RK800, who exceeded them all in every possible way.

They were afraid of him.

Markus called out to him, "Connor!" It was a sort of fondness that Connor recognized, something akin to the way friends would greet each other.

He wasn't sure if he could Markus his friend. He had hunted him for months, the beginning of his life nothing but ending the deviancy. Markus didn't show anger when Connor pointed a gun at him. He was only ever understanding. Connor had delivered an army to Markus; but, still, unsurprisingly, most in his party looked at Connor with untrusting eyes. He didn't blame them.

With Markus honing in on Connor, everyone around visibly relaxed, directing their attention away from them.

"I'm sorry, Markus. I'm not here for pleasantries," Connor stated.

"I'm not surprised," Markus replied, oddly sounding not the least bit upset. "We can talk in private, if needed?" Markus offered his hand, tan skin faded away to expose the pale white layer beneath.

Connor took his hand without hesitation. In their bond, they spoke, unheard by all the others.

"A woman was murdered this morning. I wanted to rule out a suspect," Connor explained.

"I see," Markus replied. "-and you think they're here?"

"This android showed a distaste for human and android relationships. The women he murdered had an android living with her," Connor explained.

He shared some of Louis' memories, of him attending the Thirium Clinic with Mrs. Wheeler, asking her what she wanted for dinner, taking her to the park. Connor didn't miss the way Markus' hand stiffened, fingers unconsciously tightening a little at the sight. Then, Connor showed him Louis' memory of the park and the android that confronted him, what he had said to Louis.

"I-... I see," Markus said, sounding a little lost for a second. "I have seen him here before. But, it's been a few days. His name is Robert. I never imagined he would-..." Markus trailed off, wondering if he even had a right to say something like that. He didn't know every android. He couldn't possibly make claims on their actions.

"I hope I'm wrong, Markus," Connor said lowly. "But, I can't take the chance."

"Connor, I understand that this... coming here... must not have been easy. If it comes down to it, I will make sure that they see, for us to be equal, that means we have to pay for crimes, too..."

Connor let go of Markus' hand, ending their brief connection. He gave him a nod and spoke aloud again, "thank you, Markus."

He turned to leave and took a single step before the android called out to him.

"Connor, you're always welcome here." Markus approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I want you know that..."

When he thought about it, Connor realized he never really spent much time with other androids. He was immediately assigned to the police department, worked primarily with Hank, and even returned after the revolution. Then, there was you... Was that strange? That he never really spent any time with his own kind...

"I understand," Connor replied lowly, rotating his body to face Markus. "I appreciate that you welcome me here; but, the others don't share that sentiment. I hold no resentment. They have every right to be wary of me."

"If you gave them a chance, they'd come around," Markus suggested softly.

"I don't doubt that, Markus, but... It isn't compatible with the path I've chosen..."

Markus let go of Connor's shoulder. The sad expression he gave Connor caught him off-guard.

"If that ever changes, you'll always have a home here," Markus replied sincerely.

It was difficult for Connor to imagine a home different than the one he already had. His home was Hank's house with Sumo on his lap while Hank shouted at the basketball match on the TV screen. Home was his apartment at 1 in the morning, Hank passed out on his sofa after hours of arguing over a case. Home was-... was you, patching him after he tore up his hand trying to arrest a lunatic strung out on a concoction of drugs and alcohol.

"I'll remember that," he replied quietly. He meant it, even if he wasn't sure he wanted it.

#connor x reader #deviant connor #dbh fanfic #rk800 x reader #deviant connor x reader #connor smut #rk800 smut

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theglowyscorpio · 3 years

Text

all set | eren x reader

a/n: this is a story in the making, currently available at AO3 and Wattpad. If you like it, please don't hesitate to give me some kudos, leave a comment or maybe follow me on my social media! <3 Any feedback is highly appreciated since I'm just getting started!

pairing: eren yeager x female reader

tags: mature content, alternate universe (modern setting), college/university, recreational drug use, implied sexual content, M/F, F/F, the author is not religious lmao

word count: 4.3k

current chapters: 2/?

playlist: this one was made with a particular playlist in mind. they are really great songs that help to convey this chapter, so I hope you have a time to check them out! :)

a. slomosa - kevin b. upsahl - drugs c. rosenfeld - like u d. kaiba - overdose e. lil kapow - tinman f. bodega - how did this happen!?

***

all set

I lost count of how many parties I went to this week. There was one at Shina, another at... Sasha's. Wait, was it? Or Ymir's? Honestly, both their houses look fairly similar and we always see the same faces over and over again, regardless of where we are getting wasted. Definitely two at my house. The timeline is blurry at this point. If my liver could talk, it would spit out "Screw you, Eren." and I wouldn't be able to disagree.

Classes will start next week so everyone is acting like we're going to stop doing all this for the rest of the semester. That never happens.

I barely enter Reiner's house and the music is already piercing my head. My ears will soon tell me to go screw myself too. The bass was loud. But it was good.

— Hey, finally — Reiner says, giving a hard slap in my back. I can't even get mad at him because he probably didn't mean for it to hurt. Fucking strong bastard.

— Sorry. Lost track of time.

— You know where the things are — he leaves me behind and disappears through the noisy music.

It's hot inside. August has been particularly cruel this year. I'm using a black t-shirt, which is luckily pretty thin, and my black Adidas pants that are somewhat breathable. My hair is in a bun. I will probably be sweating soon, though. Reiner's AC won't do miracles with this amount of people since it is specially packed today. I guess I might see some new faces tonight, huh.

This fact already makes things more interesting.

I walk through the room and then arrive in the kitchen. Connie and Sasha are there.

— Eren!! — I barely open my mouth to talk and Sasha is already giving me whatever weird drink they made. Their drinks sometimes are... unusual, for the lack of a better word. Most of the time they are simply pure shit. They call it scout's fuel, always the same name regardless of what's inside. Maybe that's why my liver hates me so much.

— Thanks — I'm already used to the goddamn gasoline taste — I guess you both want to get us wasted tonight.

— It's our personal mission, so enjoy the fuel — Connie says laughing, raising his plastic cup. I love this duo – who doesn't? – and I can't help but laugh with them, even though it tastes so bad — Everyone is already here, come on — I follow them and find all the familiar faces I've seen all week: Bertholdt, Historia, Ymir, Mikasa, Annie, Armin, Jean, everyone.

The girls look hot, even though I'm used to them. Either way, I avoid hooking up with my friends since the last time didn't work so well. It's better to avoid Mikasa today.

We all sit together while drinking. I light a joint I had already prepared at home and say — Am I crazy or is Reiner's party bigger than usual? —, releasing the smoke a few seconds after. This one is the best grass we could get around our area, I've saved it primarily for today and now I see that might have been a great decision on my part. I'm glancing through the room and looking for some girls, might share this shit with one - or a few - of them later.

— Thank god, I was tired of seeing your ugly faces every fucking time — Jean says. The girls look at him and he rushes to add — I mean, the boys, of course. It's always nice looking at all of you, ladies.

It's not enough to avoid Annie's kick anyway — We can say the same of you, horse face.

Reiner arrives at the perfect time and explains — Since the new semester starts Monday, news about today traveled fast and we got a lot more company than usual.

— Do you know all of them, Reiner? — Historia asks — I've talked to a bunch of them tonight and there are people from all over the campus and from all years as well — Historia always looks pretty, her blonde hair shining even in the low light of the party. Guys make a line to talk to her at all parties so there's no surprise that she's already familiarized with the whole scenario. I wonder what Ymir thinks of it. Probably followed her during this little field trip.

— Hell, no — he grabs the joint of my hand and sucks deeply — I know some of them and some are Bertholdt's friends but there are some random people.

— I bet Reiner knows a lot of the girls — I take my joint back from his fingers — I assume they aren't Bertholdt's friends, though — and grin.

— Hey, I don't see you with any new company either, dude — Bertholdt tries to grab my weed as well, but I avoid his advances. He instead grabs my cup and drinks all of it, leaving me empty. He makes a funny face at the taste. Suit yourself, man, I think to myself, laughing on the inside.

— Yeah, but I'll work on it in a sec — I tease him knowing that he can't handle much of Sasha and Connie's fuel. He always knocks out before everyone. I hope he realizes he needs to stay awake to try anything with Annie. Someday. He simply never gets there.

Hange arrives almost falling over Ymir and spilling her drink on the floor in the process — I think we should all make a toast and make this last party a wild ride!!! — her yelling stabbing us louder than the music.

— Bitch, you are this fucking drunk already? — Ymir says to her, holding Hange's weight on her back — What the hell did the gasoline duo do to you?

— Okay okay, enough with the questions, let me fill your cups because this is the night! — Sasha says, just pouring all that mystery liquid that soon will go straight to our heads — Also, Reiner, where's the food?

We raise our plastic cups and Connie yells — To the new semester! — and we drink, feeling the immediate burn on our throats. It's hard being a scout.

— I need to get laid today — Jean says as he lays his back on the couch — Gonna arrive for the classes pretty motivated next week — he then rests his left arm at the back pillow, behind Mikasa's head.

— You should start roaming, then — her cold delivery puts Jean's subtle attempt at flirting six feet under the ground, as usual. It was pretty damn quick, but I could notice Mikasa glancing at me and then looking the other way. Yeah, I think I need to start roaming soon, too.

— That sounds great, then let's do that!!! — Hange grabs Jean by the arm and they disappear amongst the crowd.

— When all this fun ends, I'll be the one who will probably have to take him home after he gets slapped by some girls — Armin and Jean live with me so we normally go back together. Armin is the responsible one between us, which is not exactly hard considering how Jean and I are — Gonna at least drink some beer before that happens.

— I'll go with you, this drink sucks — Annie says, finishing the drink anyway and following him. We always drink the last drop of it, we never learn.

The girls went dancing, the music was exceptionally good today. A lot of bands I already liked plus some I have never heard before. I need to remember to ask Reiner for this playlist later. Connie was already surrounded by a different group, everyone likes to talk to him. He is popular. The rest dispersed as well and I could hear Hange's screams far away. This is going to be a night for her, indeed.

I start walking around, meeting a lot of people from my classes and others from the campus in general. I talk to all of them and drink a lot in the process, which feeds my need for nicotine every time. I grab my pack of cigarettes and while smoking, I see Levi.

— I must be dreaming — I say, letting the smoke leave my lips with a smile. It reaches him and looks at me with a deadly expression. He is smoking as well, but he only admits one specific brand of cigarettes and hates all the others. Levi usually doesn't show up at these "brat" parties, as he likes to say, since he's a few years older than us. I normally see him at Shina's, which is a popular club slash bar near our university. He's the owner so we all met him there, after going so many times. Shina has the best parties and the best drinks of all the clubs near us. And it couldn't be any other way, since Levi is a perfectionist. There's also a small stage there, where indie bands perform from time to time. My band does some gigs there sometimes.

— Hey — he replies, as cold as ever. He's Mikasa's cousin, so they have the same expressions and hard-to-approach vibe — Already high, I see.

— Always. In fact, today I hope to be higher than usual. What miracle brings you here?

— Some people from the staff decided to come here today so there are fewer brats to piss me off — he drinks what's probably a high priced whiskey and continues — and there's a new girl at the club so we have been showing her the area for a few weeks now.

— There's a lot of new girls here today — although I know Levi doesn't give a crap.

— So? — yeah, he doesn't.

Levi is a pretty successful business owner and even I have to admit that he's hot – is not only common knowledge but a mutual agreement between everyone –, so girls are always trying to get him, but he doesn't screw most of them. He doesn't fuck brats, period. He says he doesn't have the patience. That makes the girls even more desperate. He has the highest standards of every guy I know. When he was still in university – the same we all go –, he screwed not only the hottest girls but also the professors - which went after him and not the other way around. At least that's what I've heard. I think Levi never had to actively look for any girl, to be honest.

I can only laugh at his reply. That's just so him.

— If you want more stuff than what's already in your system, Floch is over there.

— I want, actually. I was going to look for him — I see Floch's red hair among some folks. Floch is usually as busy as Connie but with less than half of the charisma.

He finishes his cigarette, blowing its last white smoke into the air, and we both hear a loud HELL YEAH!! coming from all the other way across the room — Tsk, is that Hange?

— Pfft, it was before, I think it's Sasha now — he doesn't laugh at my reply. He never does. I think hell would freeze while heaven catches on fire.

I think about the music again. It's so good today, what the hell — Hey Levi, don't you think this playlist is too high quality for a Reiner party? I don't get it, his music taste is always pure trash.

— That's from our new girl — he drinks the last drops of his whiskey and starts to leave — You might find her around here — he then suddenly stops and looks at me — Don't get your hopes up, though.

I am not able to ask what he meant by that because he leaves too quickly. Time to look for Floch.

— Hey, Flo-

— Here.

— You didn't even let me finish.

— I know what you want. You are not in the mood for cocaine so you want MD instead, blah-blah-blah-blah. Is that kind of night — he pauses for mere seconds — Am I wrong, Eren?

— Nope, right as usual — Floch is the main person you go to when you need drugs. I mean, good drugs. He looks like your standard rich boy – which he is, by the way – that can do no wrong, but you can get the best stuff from him. I've always found this funny. The weed I have today was his work. He knows my taste well.

Reiner's frat house is huge, so there's plenty of room to walk. I'm approached by a bunch of girls on the way but for some reason, none of them piques my interest. I am pretty set on going after something new today and I have no problem getting laid. It happened every single day this week and it truly happens anytime I want. Which, okay, boosts my ego a little bit. Maybe a lot. I might even have hurt some girls in the process. I was never slapped though, unlike Jean. So that's a win in my book.

I see a few of my friends again, mainly Historia and Reiner, and they are talking to a girl I've never seen before.

She has long black hair and short messy bangs, the kind that goes a little above the eyebrows. I didn't know black hair was my thing until now. Her face has the perfect features, at least for me. She's wearing a sleeveless white top that is so tight that hugs her figure perfectly and makes her breasts look amazing. That type of top that shows the girl's side boob, and I'm a total sucker for those. It is also short so you can see a bit of her waist. And I don't even have to see her ass because I already know it is probably too damn good. Her light blue ripped jeans are cool as well and she has black sneakers. I like her style. She has a bunch of tattoos - a lot on her right arm, one on her left hand, and probably some that I couldn't see because they were behind her clothes. I intended to, though.

Fuck, she's hot.

Historia looks mesmerized talking to her, which is a very privileged view from where I stand because, as I've already said before, she is also beautiful. But she isn't exactly hot. This girl is. Way too much. Oh, and Reiner is there too. Whatever.

I can see a lot of guys want to approach her but none of them do. I went for it. Wasn't this night supposed to be wild?

— Hey, Eren! Guess what, Y/N is the new DJ at Shina! I was telling her how we go there all the time.

— Hi, Eren, nice to meet you — she says, with that kind of smile that people who know they are hot make. I do that too.

— Hey, Y/N — I say. And as I told you seconds before, I'm good with that type of smile as well so that's what she gets — Levi told me he came with the staff and a new girl, so I suppose that's you.

— Yeah, I'll start there next week.

— I talked to him about the party's playlist because I knew it couldn't be Reiner's.

— Yeah, it's Y/N's. She prepared it for the party when I invited the guys from Shina yesterday. We were in the same high school. — Reiner says that looking at me with a face that shows "See that, dickhead? I've known her for some years now".

— It's pretty good! I can't wait for the next party at Shina's to see your set! — Historia was always an angel.

REINER, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE ICE, MAN??, someone screamed far away.

— Shit. Catch up with you later, Y/N.

Too bad, huh, Reiner? He gives me a look that I can't quite figure out what it is, but I know for sure it wasn't a look of support. In the fucking slightest.

— I think Ymir is calling me as well, sorry!! — It was painfully obvious that Ymir wanted to make out with Historia for some time now. They never did. I think only Historia hasn't realized yet that Ymir is thirsty for her for god knows how long.

After Historia left, there was only me and her — So, by any chance, do you go to the same university as us? You look our age but Levi said you are new here — I tried asking this without looking at her body, but looking at her face was even worse. Her eyes were piercing me in the best way possible.

— I'm not exactly new, I'm from the same uni as you guys, but I took a gap year — she takes a sip of her drink — You probably never met me but I'm in the same year as you all are now.

Since Reiner knew her from high school, he also knew she was at the same university all along and never told any of the guys. Smart fucker.

— So that makes you a year older than me — I smirk at her.

— I guess it does — she smirks back as she lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke at me.

Ok, looking good so far.

I'm pretty high at this point, the MD and the music are making me horny, so I don't even bother to pretend that I'm not looking at her body. I'm looking at everything.

— You took something, didn't you?

— Do you want some? I can show you later where to get the best stuff. Anything you are in the mood for.

— I'm all set — she shows me her tongue and I see the acid. The view makes my own tongue feel lonely, maybe I should use it to steal that from her mouth. I hope she's horny as well.

We talk a lot about music since it's something that we both enjoy. She's passionate about it, I can tell. She asks about my band with true interest. Doesn't sound like small talk. She touches her hair and it makes me want to stuff my face in it. She has the smile that makes you want more. Her voice has the same effect.

The loud music allows us to talk near each other's ears. I hope she moans as loud as her playlist. The girls usually love my hair for some reason, either if it's in a messy bun as it is right now or if it's loose. They all love my green eyes too. She can see all that with somewhat detail since we are so close, even though it is a little dark here. If I take you to a room you can see me better, I almost blurb it out. I can see her too and that kills me.

She looks receptive to me but normally at this point I would be already hooking up with the girl. This time it isn't happening. I never have to work so much. I think I understand why the other guys didn't approach her before. She's a little intimidating to talk to, and that comes naturally to her – it doesn't seem to be on purpose. I flirt with her the way I normally do but she is hard to get, she hits every ball I throw. I remember what Levi said before. Oh, right.

But I'm vibing way too much at this point, I think if I touch any part of her I'll get hard immediately.

— This gap year you've mentioned... Did you go anywhere specific?

— I know it will sound cliché, but I went to Europe.

— Where in Europe?

— Everywhere — she says — I went down — the corner of her lips forming a smile — And up. Everywhere. — and I can swear she sounds flirtatious as hell. I want to bite her lip.

— That sounds... Awesome. — I think she wants to bite me too, or at least I hope she does — Was there any particular reason to leave? If that's not too much to ask.

— Hm, I was kinda... — she stops to think for a few seconds as she holds her hair up and makes a ponytail, looking at the ground, the cigarette glued to her now closed lips. Her neck became exposed, it looks soft as hell and I can't wait to bruise it. She releases the smoke, that flows into the room, and looks deep into my eyes, as deep as I want to be inside her right now — ...stressed.

I reach my limit at this point.

— I can help you with the stress if you want.

— Really? — she's looking at me with the same teasing look and I'm doing the same, so we both know that's not a question I have to answer. Her tongue quickly passes through her top lip, her mouth forming a little wet smile — I don't think I need any help though.

I threw the ball and she hit a home run. My team was out.

I was not expecting that.

We hear some of the guys from Shina calling for her — Oh, they are calling me — Y/N looks at me again and says — See you around, Eren — giving me the same fucking grin I wanted to bite before.

She walks away and I see that her ass is, as I suspected from the very beginning, too damn good.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

After this, some time has passed. I look at the clock. Yeah, maybe a lot. I couldn't tell before because I'm drunk and drugged. I see most of my friends, all fucking wasted. Armin is holding up pretty well, Bertholdt's is knocked down for God knows how long, Mikasa probably smoked way too much weed (who am I to judge?) and looks dead on the couch. I don't see Ymir, Historia nor Reiner - there are too many people in this house to keep count. Sasha's eating something in the kitchen, I can't see what it is, but certainly, she got hungrier than normal after smoking some pot Connie gave her. Connie always holds his drinks well, he's still talking to a lot of people. I pass in front of one of the bathrooms and Hange is there, getting everything out of her system. Oh, and Ymir. There she is, holding Hange's hair, looking as pissed as ever. Levi probably went home hours ago. Jean is making out with some chick, he's going to score tonight. To be fair, he always does, but never with Mikasa.

I saw a lot of pretty girls today and I went for none of them. They tried and I shut them down, even the ones I normally fuck. There's someone I want to taste tonight and she's nowhere to be found. The guys from Shina are missing too, so I know I won't see her today anymore. Damn.

I'm not pissed at her but I'm pissed at the situation.

— Armin, I think I'm going to take off, are you coming?

— Yeah, I'm already pretty tired — he gets up — Jean's probably going to stay here.

— Yep. Probably. — Am I pissed that Jean's getting laid? Even though I could have as well? With someone else, at least? My mood feels off.

— I'm going with you too, I've lost count of how many assholes I had to shut down today. I think I even punched a few — I don't have to look to know that's Annie speaking — You were right, Eren, is it especially crowded today. In the shittiest way possible.

— Then let's go.

— Wait, I need to get my bag first, I left it in Reiner's room.

— I can get that for you, wait up.

— It's a black one. Small.

I sign a thumbs up for her and climb the stairs. I am hundred percent sure I'm going to see someone fucking there but that's the usual. I'm pretty sure I've already seen some people screwing in the corner of the living room minutes before. No one cares.

I open the door and see Y/N in her underwear, putting her white top back on. She does indeed have other tattoos.

— Hey there! — she says smiling, as she also puts her jeans back up, making little jumps so they pass through her ass. Her hair is not in a ponytail anymore.

I say hi in a confusing way.

— I came here to get my friend's bag — I look around for milliseconds like I don't know where the hell I am until I see Reiner lying - clearly naked - under his sheets. Can't be anyone else, with that bleached hair and huge biceps.

What? Ahn?

Hey... Wait a second.

Historia? Clearly naked as well? What. The. Hell. I guess she's not exactly the angel I thought she was?

They are sort of awake, sort of sleeping, kinda like on a different planet. You know, the type of thing that happens after a really strong fuck? That sort. They look exhausted. They look destroyed. And not in a bad way. AT ALL.

— Oh, I saw a bag before. Here you go — she gives me Annie's bag. She's all dressed now. She notices my confusion, I'm too high to act any other way — I've told you I don't need any help — her eyes piercing mine for the hundredth time tonight. Her smile hurts now. Ouch.

She grabs her sneakers and walks towards me and the door:

— I'm all set.

She leaves the room as I hold Annie's bag.

Yeah. I was not expecting that.

***

Thanks for reading (if there's even anyone here lmao). Chapter 2 will be uploaded later but it can be read now at AO3 or Wattpad.

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shattered-catalyst · 4 years

Text

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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songtoyou · 4 years

Text

Chapter Four: Mission Hills - Part Two

Would You Call That Love

Pairing: Chris Evans x Raina Morrison (OC)

Rating: PG to PG-13 (Might be 18+ for some chapters)

Description: There was always that one person Chris Evans tended to turn to when he was not in a committed relationship, Raina Morrison. He could confide in her about things going on in his life that he did not feel comfortable talking to his family or close friends about. Chris and Raina were able to establish a way to openly communicate with one another, but also being respectful of the other’s time and needs. It was the only constant “relationship” he had, but without all the nonsense of trying to build a life together. A “friends with benefits” situation. However, what happens when Chris starts rethinking his “relationship” with Raina and if either are willing to pursue something more?

Chapter Rating: 18+

Warnings: Sexual content (oral with female receiving)

Word Count: 2,934

Author’s Note: We are still in 2014. It dives deeper into Chris and Raina’s friendship and how it became sexual. The next chapter we will return to the present time. This was partially proof-read.

Feedback is always welcomed. If you want to be tagged, please let me know.

Sadly, I do not know Chris Evans or anyone in his family and this is just a fictional take on his life. I do not permit this fic to be reposted on other platforms.

Updated for grammar and punctuation edits.

As Raina had expected, sex with Chris was amazing. He knew exactly what to do when it came to pleasuring a woman. The fact that he could go back and forth between being soft and sensual to dominating and rough was mind-blowing. Raina was sure she had blacked out a couple of times because the orgasms were so intense. For Chris, he could not remember the last time he came so hard. He made sure to give it his all when it came to giving Raina pleasure. He was not going to half-ass anything.

The two were in post-coital bliss—however, both knew that it would not be able to last. Neither wanted to leave the bubble they created and enter the real world. The world where they had to be mindful of how they acted around each other. The world where they were always expected to keep their guard up and be cautious. The world where everything came down to PR and playing a role the media and fans tacked them.

“I don’t want this to end,” Chris spoke up suddenly.

Raina turned her head, so she was looking at him. “What do you mean?”

Turning on his side, Chris stared at the woman next to him. He loved her. He genuinely loved her. “This has been incredible. Part of me doesn’t want it to be a one-time thing. But the sensible part of me is scared that this might ruin our friendship.”

“It isn’t,” Raina confirmed to help put Chris at ease. She could tell his anxiety was trying to take control and make him feel guilty. “Nothing is going to come between us, Chris. Us having sex…well, I don’t know about you, but it felt natural. It felt right. There was no awkwardness. I felt safe and relaxed with you. I don’t want this to end either. However, I don’t think either of us is ready to be in a relationship. You just got out of your relationship with Minka. My breakup with Ben wasn’t that long ago either. We’re too fragile right now. Plus, after today, we both have to go back to work. We won’t have the proper foundation to really build a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.”

“I know. You’re right. So, what do we do?”

At that moment, the two friends came up with a plan to forge ahead with a friend with benefits relationship. Both knew it was risky. However, Chris and Raina were willing to take on that risk.

“We will have to establish some guidelines to follow. I am not going into this without any security. For example, never being judgmental can one of the guidelines, along with being open with communication,” Raina suggested. “We don’t have to have everything sorted out now. I think it would best to take this slow and make sure we have everything needed in place before we officially go forward with this notion.”

“I concur,” Chris agreed.

“What time is it?”

Chris turned to check his phone. “A little after 3 a.m. Do you think everyone is still out partying?”

“Knowing this crew, probably,” said Raina as she got out of bed and put on a pair of boy shorts and a tank top. “I’m going to go check if Mercedes is in her room.”

When Raina left the room, Chris proceeded to look through his phone. A couple of new posts in the group text with his Avenger coworkers; all wished him a happy birthday. He replied with a quick thank you and told them he would see them all soon.

“Her room and Tara’s room are still empty,” Raina shared as she entered the room. Looking around, she saw Chris’s clothes scattered all over the floor. “I think you should head out before they see you. I don’t…I don’t want them to know that we…I want to keep this between us.”

Chris sat up to lean his back against the headboard. He understood where Raina was coming from. “I hear ya. Don’t worry; I won’t tell Scott about tonight. I can picture him freaking out and giving me a lecture,” said Chris getting out of bed to put on his clothes.

When he was dressed, he followed Raina out of the room and to the front door.

“What time do we need to meet up for Top Golf?” asked Chris as he leaned against the front door.

“Our reservation is at noon,” Raina reminded him. She pulled Chris in for one last hug and said, “Happy Birthday, Chris. I hope that tonight was special for you. And I mean the whole night, not just the part where we…you know.”

“Well, that part might be my favorite,” Chris declared with a cheeky grin and gave Raina a soft kiss on the lips.

“Sleep tight, Evans.”

“Nighty night, Raina.”

October 18, 2014

Four months had passed since Chris’s birthday party in Vegas. It was also the last time Chris and Raina were intimate with one another. Chris had finished filming the second Avengers movie back in August and took some time off to spend with his family. Raina was still touring around the world with her new album. After finishing up the European leg of the tour, she was in for a much-needed break.

Before Chris and Raina were to head to China for the Mission Hill Pro-Am Golf Tournament, the singer would spend some time in Boston with Chris and his family. He picked Raina up at the airport that Saturday and headed to his mom’s house for dinner.

“Is your mom making her spaghetti? I have been craven it so bad, you would not believe,” said Raina as Chris drove from the airport.

“Yeah, she’s got it all ready. How are you craving it? You were just in Italy?” Chris pointed out.

“Your mom’s spaghetti is just better,” declared Raina.

“That is true.”

The drive from the airport to Lisa’s house did not take too long due to the abundance of conversations between the two friends occupying their time. Chris shared his experience at the Toronto Film Festival, where he debuted his first directorial feature film, ‘Before We Go.’ “I know my movie isn’t perfect, but I am happy with the final product. The film is supposed to be simplistic and about these two characters forming a friendship throughout the film. I…I get scared that people are going to have these high expectations and get disappointed if it doesn’t live up to them,” Chris admitted to Raina.

Raina let out a quiet sigh. She knew Chris would display his anxiety about the film. He was a perfectionist and, like most people, cared about what people thought of him and his art.

“Chris… you’re going to have so many opportunities to show the world what you can do. You put yourself out there and stepped out of your comfort zone. Not a lot of people are willing to do that, but you did. So, stop worrying so much. Don’t read the reviews from critics. They don’t matter. All that matters is if you are happy with the end product.”

“I am! I worked fucking hard on that film. Everyone did. And I am proud of it,” said Chris as he pulled into the driveway of his mother’s house.

“Then that is all that matters,” Raina replied as she got out of the car with Chris following. “Like, seriously, if I stressed over every album review or placement on the charts, I’d never get anything accomplished.

When Raina stepped to the front door, it flew open with Lisa standing with her arms wide open ready to embrace the younger woman and her eldest son.

“My babies!” exclaimed Lisa. She wrapped her arms around Raina in a tight hug. “Come on inside. Everyone is in the kitchen. Kids! Chris and Raina are here!”

They could hear the sound of Miles and Ethan’s footsteps as the boys ran from the kitchen and tackled Chris to the ground. “Okay, okay. You gotta let me up, kiddos. Go tackle Raina,” Chris ordered.

Ethan ran towards Raina for a hug. “Oh, my goodness. What happened to my little Ethan? You’re so big now,” she acknowledged as she scooped Ethan up into her arms.

“Did you bring us presents, Auntie Rai?” Ethan boldly asked as she sat him down to then pick up Miles

“Presents? Is that all I’m good for you guys?” Raina teased. Of course, she brought presents for the kids. Raina had no siblings of her own, so she did not have any nieces or nephews spoiled. Chris was more than happy to share.

“Come on, kids. Let’s head to the kitchen and get some ready for dinner,” Lisa instructed.

“We’ll open presents after dinner,” said Raina as she put Miles down and walked into the kitchen. Both boys following close behind and never leaving Raina’s side.

After being engulfed in hugs from Carly, Scott, and Shanna, the family sat down to dinner. While the surname Evans was rooted in Irish, the family was 100-percent Italian in their mannerisms: always talking with their hands, very boisterous, loud but pleasant, and happy. Their energy was infectious and endearing.

“I can’t believe how big Stella has gotten. She was so tiny the last time I saw her,” Raina spoke to Carly while the little girl smiled and reached for food on people’s plates.

Conversations flowed, along with the wine for the adults. It was a nice setting for Chris to see. He loved his family and was grateful to have this moment with his best friend.

When Chris and Raina left Lisa’s house, the two continued to work together to develop proper guidelines both would adhere to protect their friendship from any fallout.

Raina opted to include that both would need to be transparent with one another.

“Overall, we have to be honest with one another. If you or I feel like there is an issue that needs to be brought up, we have to say it. We can’t keep it inside and let it fester,” suggested Raina as she lounged on Chris’s bed in his home.

“Agree. I think we also need to include a guideline about not being judgmental. Like, if I am dating someone or if you are dating someone, neither of us can act like an asshole towards one another or the other’s partner at the time,” Chris replied with his suggestion. He had just taken a shower, so he was only wearing sweats, no shirt.

“I 100% agree,” Raina nodded. “I would like to include that we are open about what is considered off-limits and what is acceptable when it comes to our preferences and likes during sex. I don’t mind being adventurous,” she added suggestively.

Chris let out a boisterous laugh. “I always knew you were a big slut,” he teased.

“Well, you are a slut too, sweetie. But that is okay. I’m not judging you,” joked Raina. She always loved riling Chris up a bit.

“What have you done that is out of the box, sexually?” Chris asked. He desperately wanted to know. It was not like he and Raina had never talked about sex. In fact, he tended to be incredibly open with Raina when it came to talking about sex. She was willing to share her sexual history with him.

“I really don’t mind giving up control to my partner. But I can be dominant if need be. I’ve told you all this before,” Raina admitted honestly. She knew she could trust Chris to keep her secrets. She had no shame in telling him her sexual fantasies. “What do you provide especially for your…concubines?”

“Concubines? Throwing out the big words, are we.”

“You’re one to talk, Mr. I-Incorporate-SAT-Words-In-Every-One-Of-My-Sentences. Tell me, do you have a world of the day calendar posted next to your bed? You make sure to check every day, Mr. Thesaurus?” kidded Raina. “No, but seriously, what are holding back from me, Mr. Evans?” she asked while climbing on top of Chris’s lap. It did not take long for Raina to begin grinding against him while trailing kisses up his neck to ear.

“You really do love taking control, don’t you, little girl,” Chris pointed out as he rubbed his hands over Raina’s ass. “But here is something you don’t quite get…” he said and immediately flipped Raina onto her back.

With Chris hovering over Raina, he took her hands and put them above her head. “I like to be in control,” he declared and captured her lips with his. “Let me show what I can provide you. Don’t move those hands, now,” Chris instructed and began taking off Raina’s leggings and underwear.

Chris was not going to rush this, but instead, was willing to be patient and prolong providing Raina pleasure for as long as possible. When it came to giving a woman head, Chris was a pro. However, with Raina, this was more intimate and would take their friend with benefits agreement to a whole other level. He teased her clit, then would trail kisses up and down her inner thighs.

When he finally began using his tongue, Raina jerked and gasped. “Oh my God! That feels so good.” Chris had to hold Raina down by putting one of his large hands on her stomach. It took all of Raina’s self-control to keep her hands put and not grab Chris’s hair.

“I need to come!” Raina shouted after Chris inserted a finger and began pumping in and out of her.

“So soon,” he teased and continued pumping, this time adding another finger. “Nah, not yet, sweetheart. I’m not quite done tasting you.”

October 21, 2014

It was sad saying goodbye to the Evans clan, especially when they began crying. He was worried that Chris and Raina would not be around to trick or treat with him.

“Hey buddy, I will be back before then to celebrate Halloween together. I promise we will go trick or treating,” Chris consoled his youngest nephew.

“Can Raina come with us?” the little boy asked.

“Heck yeah, I’m coming tricking or treating with you guys,” confirmed Raina, to which Miles replied happily by jumping for joy and hugging her tightly.

The flight from Boston to Dongguan, China, for the Mission Hills Golf Club Tournament was thirty-five hours, including two layovers, one at JFK Airport and another at Heathrow. Raina was happy not to have to take the trip alone. She and Chris were accommodated with first-class tickets, so traveling the long distance came with perks.

“Hey, thanks for agreeing to stay a little longer in Boston for Halloween. The kids really adore you. I know you must have planned on seeing your dad while you got some time off,” Chris uttered as he got comfortable in his plane seat. They finally boarded the plane on their second layover.

“It’s no problem. I talk to my dad all of the time, so he’s doing alright,” said Raina and added, “He has actually…began dating again.”

Chris already knew this as George had asked him for dating advice. George had asked Chris not to mentioned it to Raina as he worried it would upset his daughter. Chris understood and kept his mouth shut.

“I mean…that is a good thing…right? He’s getting back out there…moving on…healing… that’s good. You’re good with it, right?” Chris rambled on nervously. The last thing he wanted for Raina to be upset or in a bad mood for the duration of their trip.

“It’s weird. The whole thing is weird. I don’t really want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I gotta use the bathroom,” mumbled Raina and got up from her seat.

“Raina, don’t be upset,” Chris interjected.

“I’m not upset. I really do have to use the bathroom because I drank all that water during the last layover,” she said, making her way to the bathroom.

As Chris waited for Raina to return, he asked one of the flight attendants for a Dirty Shirley, his travel companion’s favorite drink, and Stella Artois for himself, along with some snacks. He also pulled out his laptop and looked through his movie library to see what would be good to watch. Chris ended up choosing one of his favorite Disney movies, Robin Hood, which was also one of Raina’s favorites.

When Raina returned to her seat, she saw the set-up Chris and was given her Dirty Shirley. The deliciously sweet drink definitely helped lift her spirits.

“We have about eighteen hours until we land in China, let’s just get drunk and watch Disney movies for the time being,” Chris suggested, and he raised his beer to toast with Raina.

“You’re such a sweetheart, Evans. I can’t deal with you sometimes.”

The two friends drank and ate some snacks while making it through three movies before eventually falling asleep. When the plane finally landed in Dongguan, China, both were ready to put on their “game face” for the week. It was business as usual with PR events and gatherings.

Chris and Raina were not worried about rumors spreading within their respective fandoms about the two being at the same event; they were used to it by now. During the actual Mission Hills golf tournament, Raina and Chris would purposely stand close to one another or walk side-by-side with their arms around each other at parties. Both knew they were playing with fire, but in the end, Chris and Raina were having fun and enjoying being with one another.

They were two touchy-feely friends on the surface, but behind closed doors, they were so much more.

#chris evans #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x original female character

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yurimother · 5 years

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Top 34 Yuri Anime

From mid-February to mid-March Akiba held a poll asking viewers what their favorite anime series were. Over 50,000 votes were counted and in the end, they organized the 34 entries by votes to declare which series was the most popular. While not including every yuri series, these titles do vary wildly from pulse-pounding action to salacious dramas and subtext filled slice of life shows. Of course, the eternal problem with popularity polls is that they only show what is, well... popular. So I have decided to organize the same 34 series into my own list, based on a mixture person preference, influence, and historical importance to the genre. Note that this list is not exhaustive, as there are more than just these 34 Here we go!

34. Kuttsukiboshi – No surprise here. While impressive from a technical standpoint, as this two episode series was written, directed, and animated by one may, Nayoya Ishikawa, this impressive feat does nothing to sate the deep loathing I have for Kuttsukiboshi. I found it not only nonsensical but disgusting and offensive at almost every turn.

33. Maria Holic – Ok this one has some funny moments and a solid opening theme but mostly it is about a cross-dressing sadist abusing the hell out of one of the cringiest characters ever written.

32. Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid – ew

31. Seraphim Call – Certainly not the worst but age really took a toll on this anime. It is entirely lost to history, only obtaining 12 votes in the original poll.

30. Love To-LIE-Angle - FANTASTIC TITLE, gross series that was forgotten before it even finished

29. Kurau: Phantom Memory – whut

28. Hidamari Sketch – How did this below average series get as many anime adaptations as it did?

27. Candy Boy – 2007 - 2009 was weird. I actually like parts of this one, as it is really cute, but you have to turn your brain off because full out incest. I have not heard about this one since 2009 and that seems to be cool with everyone involved.

26. The Girl in Twilight – I had never heard of this before doing this piece, which says a lot about this anime’s cultural importance. But it is a good watch.

25. El Cazador de la Bruja – worth one good watch and that’s about it.

24. My-HiME – Raise your hand if you have heard of this one. That is what I thought, and yet it is #13 on the original list.

23. Pandora in the Crimson Shell: Ghost Urn – There is no real place to put this one and that says more about it than I ever could.

22. Blue Drop – Weird show, you should watch it, but not memorable

21. Simoun – This one is actually a sort of hidden gem but it is lost to history for most people.

20. Destiny of the Shrine Maiden – It baffles me how this mostly mediocre mecha series was so popular. That being said, the ending of episode 11 is some of my favorite directing ever.

19. Saki – Ya know, you never hear about this one but it is actually one of the most popular, and was #6 in the poll. It is basically a mahjong sports style anime so I have no idea how it is so popular but hey, lots of people swear by it. The ultimate you “love it or hate it” show for a lot of people strangely as well.

18. Netsuzou Trap -NTR – I held off as long as I could. While really popular I cannot stand this anime, my loathing of it is rivaled only by Kuttsukiboshi.

17. Sasameki Koto – A pretty well-known yuri series. The books are FAR better, but still an enjoyable watch beloved by many yuri fans.

16. Inugami-san to Nekoyama-san – It pains me to not be able to place this one higher, as it is one of my favorites and so hilarious, but overall there are other series that just deserve to be above it.

15. Konohana Kitan – Adorable, just adorable.

14. Black Rock Shooter – It's astonishing that an (admittedly awesome) character design can spawn multiple anime adaptations, a hit song, and its own franchise. The anime adaptation packs some good old-fashion emotional suffering and cool fights but nothing really beyond that.

13. Strike Witches – Far more popular and influential than it has any right to be. One of the most salacious shows on this list I always feel uncomfortable watching it but I do love the characters.

12. Yuri Kuma Arashi – The creators behind this were clearly not sober and probably could have used a cold shower for other reasons as well, but it is an INCREDIBLE anime with some of the best, although extraordinarily odd, writing.

11. Liz and the Blue Bird – Things are starting to get a bit difficult now, this one is actually hard to place. Being only a year old we are not sure of the impact it has but the movie is beautiful and stunning with some really bad pacing.

10. Sakura Trick – Full of fluffy fanservice, and pretty popular. This is one that almost every yuri fan will enjoy.

9. Maria Watches Over Us – The show that revived the sister-love story, a lot of the most popular yuri would not exist if not for this gentle diamond.

8. Yuruyuri – A yuri somehow becomes one of the best slice of life series of all time. Its fame is well deserved, as the memorable characters and dynamics can be enjoyed for many, many viewings.

7. Bloom Into You – What started as a run of the mill yuri series became one of the most well-loved. One of the biggest anime of last year and a darn good yuri to boot. I wonder how we will look back on this one a decade later.

6. Citrus – DEAR GOD. I know how controversial this series is for many people and that some of you want to grab pitchforks right about now in response to me placing this high on the list but hear me out. Whatever your feelings about Citrus, and there is plenty of valid criticism to make, it is a very influential and popular anime. It scored the top spot on Akiba’s list by over 5000 votes. For me, it holds a special spot as the first real review I ever wrote (thank you, Erica, for the opportunity).

5. Sweet Blue Flowers – We are in the top five now, yet I still feel that I have placed this series far too low. It is one of the most grounded yuri series and ten years later its impact on the genre is still clear.

4. Strawberry Panic! – This was my first yuri and will always be special to me for this. But, there is no doubt that this series is actually worse than a lot of the ones lower than it on this list. I can almost feel the seething rage directed towards me for placing what can realistically be described as an aging, parodied, melodrama so high.Yet, as I gaze through my strawberry colored glasses, I see that Strawberry Panic has a magic to it. For so many in the American community, it holds a special place and I have heard my story with it reflected so often that I just started writing it on a speech bubble on the inside of the glasses I wear at conventions so that I know what people are saying to me when my mind wanders off. There is a reason it is nicknamed the gateway of yuri.

3. Kase-san and Morning Glories – A simply stunning, beautiful, and realistic story, this OVA movie is unlike any yuri before it. It holds nothing back in its yuri in its realistic depiction of a lesbian relationship. Kase-san is the best anime to come from twenty-gay-teen it just might change the genre forever.

2. Puella Magi Madoka Magica – Speaking of changing a genre, PMMM, my favorite anime of all time, did something truly incredible. Not since sailor moon as such a social phenomenon sprung from a magical girl series. The perfect writing, postmodern use of tropes, philosophy, and just pure awe-inspiring nature of the show has not been forgotten years later. The legacy of such a widely celebrated series is nothing short of god-like.

1. Revolutionary Girl Utena – Was there ever really any doubt? This series defined what yuri is for a generation. It is one of the defining works of LGBT and feminist media and possibly one of the most important pieces to come out of 90′s anime. Yuri, as we know it may not exist, were it not for this legendary series.

Well, that was fun but exhausting. Of course, this list is not perfect and I am sure that you more than disagree with me in a few places and I would love to hear them. Send me an ask, post a reply, tag me on twitter @HolyYuriMother for the love of the great yuri goddess! I want to know what you think, what series do you love? What anime do you hate? What nonsense thing did I say that just deserves to be torn apart? I want to know!

You can check out the original list on Akiba.

Help create yuri and LGBTQ+ news, reviews, and content by supporting YuriMother on Patreon

#yuri #anime #ranking #list #top 10 #best #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq+#queer #gay #news #art #response #pmmm #madoka #citrus #bloom into you #kase san #girls #love #girls love #wlw #femslash

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sherlollydramoine · 5 years

Text

Welcome to the Tumblr-Dome Bitch!

Warnings: Not really any. Just Rami being awkwardly adorable as he discovers the world of Tumblr and the fanfiction about himself. Special shout outs to some peeps on here. I wanted to include all of you but alas, I did not so please don’t be offended. There is going to be a part two and some of you guys may also get a special shout out in the second half. MIght be a bad word or two and references to a smuttier second half of this. Not to worry lovies… I have a plan for this, and hopefully it works out well. :)

Here you go boo, thanks for the request. I hope this plays out exactly as you wanted it to. Enjoy lovies! :) So I had to break this up because it was about to be wayyyyy too long. So once I finish part two I will definitely get it posted.

(PART TWO) (PART THREE)

Word Count: 1384

You met Rami at a bar after work one Friday night.

You two hit it off, and enjoy chatting and getting to know each other over the course of several hours and a few drinks.

He enjoyed the fact that you were a fan of his, and he teased you about it, while you first attempted to play coy. He knew and you didn’t try and play coy for too long before acknowledging that you were a fan of his.

You both decided to head back to yours since you both closed the bar and your place was a lot closer than his.

Once you were home in your small apartment you tell him you’ll be back, you just wanted to change into something a little more comfortable.

You tell him to make himself comfortable, so he takes a seat on your couch right in front of your open laptop.

When you come back out, you notice him reading something on your laptop and then it hits you.

You were beyond mortified, because you had forgotten that you took the screen saver option off, and you had been in the middle of writing a really smutty piece of fanfiction about him.

His face was priceless, a mix of confusion, embarrassment and intrigue.

“Oh my God Rami, Oh my God-you were never supposed to see any of that.”

He looks up from your screen looking guilty.

“I’m so sorry YN, I didn’t mean to snoop, I just saw my name and was curious. Honestly for a second I thought you were really an undercover journalist or something.”

“Yeah I’m not a journalist just a part time, fun time writer. It’s just something that I do for some fun.” you shrug, trying to seem casual to cover your embarrassment.

“This was actually kind of interesting though I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually done anything sexual like that before.” he says with a smirk.

“I haven’t really either.” you confess. “It’s something my readers like so I write it like that a lot.”

“Wait? Your readers? There’s more? You publish this stuff?”he asks curiously.

“Ummm… yeah. On Tumblr, I have something nearing 400 followers and I have a lot of requests. I-I-I-Yeah I write a lot of smutty stories about you. Those are the only stories that seem to get a lot of traction. I write plenty of fluffy cute or angsty stories, but my smut is a fan favorite.”

“Can I read them?”

“Oh fuck me… umm.. Well.. I guess.. It’s-There’s-I have a lot.”

“A lot? How many?”

“Well something going on like forty pieces with several more works in progress.”

“Jesus! People read and write this stuff about me?”

“Oh boy.. Yeah. There are several writers that I follow that also write about you.”

“Wow! How come I didn’t know about this?”

“Because I’m pretty sure that you aren’t supposed to. Besides you’ve said you don’t really do the social media or internet thing. Most of these writers are completely anonymous, and others are very open about their identities on Tumblr.”

“Can you show me?”

“Rami, is that a good idea? Some of this stuff is..It’s.. Well, it’s not exactly PG. I don’t know if the other writers would be comfortable with me showing you this stuff, though I supposed we could create you a Tumblr and I can let you discover them for yourself. I’ll teach you how to search your tag. Please don’t make me regret this.”

He just smiles at you. “I won’t, though this could give me some inspiration on some stuff that I can try with you later.”

You show him how to make a Tumblr account, and then once he gets everything set up and situated with you both laughing your asses off at the fact that he basically created a faux fan account about himself.

“Hey YN, can I follow you? You seem to be well connected in my what did you call it?”

“Fandom.”

“Yeah that.”

You let out a deep sigh before agreeing. You take the laptop and type in your username and hit follow. You make sure that he watches how you did it, in case he wanted to follow anyone else in the future.

Before you know it you’d both gotten lost in the ‘Tumblr sauce’ and he’d been reading a ton of different fanfiction items about himself. Him reblogging and commenting on them, which again you both found to be absolutely hysterical.

You both had lost track of time, and now it was nearing somewhere around almost six am, the sun just barely beginning to peek out beyond the horizon.

“YN how the hell did we just spend all that time on Tumblr?”

“Welcome to the Tumblr-Dome Biotch” you laugh out and so did he. “It’s too easy to get lost in the Tumblr sauce, and it’s really distracting. Please tell me that I didn’t create a monster?”

“Well I’ve already downloaded the app on my phone, and have everything set up. I also get notifications from you so now when you post I’ll know it.”

You feel your face flush with embarrassment as a yawn escapes you.

“So much for the hot sex I thought we’d have.” he says.

“There’s always.. Tonight?”you suggest.

“Abso-fucking-lutely, give me your number. Or I could just send you a message like you showed me how to do on Tumblr.” he says. “I am getting tired, and should probably get home, but I promise we’ll chat and I will be back tonight. I’m going to read some more fanfiction before going to bed to get some more inspiration. I really love @xmxisxforxmaybe her stuff is actually really great, she should write professionally. And that @txmel and @ramimedley have the best comments ever, and I’m really thinking that @the-real-ramimalekpeen’s blog is hilarious. I should probably start wearing underwear more instead of ‘under-air’ as she calls it.”

“Oh my God Rami, those ladies are all my personal friends and I’m-they’d-shit they’d kill me if they knew that I let you find their blogs. Well Peen might just laugh it off and think it was hilarious. She and I have actually talked about this recently. I’m not sure how X would take though, and Tex and Medley would enjoy your comments on their comments. “

“Wait you call her Peen?”

“Yeah to you, I’m not giving you any of these ladies real names without their permission. So I refer to all of them by their usernames unless given permission by them to refer to them as themselves. Tumblr is great because it allows its users to be as anonymous as they want to be. Only a handful of people know my real name outside of Tumblr. Though I do talk to Peen and Medley regularly outside of Tumblr. So Peen is referred to as Peen or RMP in conversation even with other users.”

“RMP?”

“Duh silly- Rami Malek Peen.”

“Oh. I think it’s-it’s well it’s kind of weird that there is a blog dedicated to my penis, and it’s various ‘sightings’. I suppose though in the grand scheme of internet stuff that probably isn’t the weirdest shit out there about me. It does kind of make me sort of feel kind of- I don't know- proud that people want to see my penis though. I mean it is pretty amazing if I do say so myself.”

“Oh you have no idea Rami, no idea. Tumblr is-it’s-yeah. It’s a cesspool of weird and bizarre. But it’s also fun.I know for a fact that Peen’s blog is meant to be all in good fun. It started as a joke and it took on a life of its own. Also, please do wear more ‘under air’ because we all love playing the spot-Rami’s-peen game. You’ve been giving your fandom juicy content like this for a long time, don’t stop now.” you laugh as he unconsciously puts his hands over his crotch.

You yawn again, and this time so does he.

All too soon he was leaving and you prepared to go to bed, as soon as he was in his Uber your Tumblr notifications started going off. You picked up your phone and saw that Rami was reblogging a bunch of your fanfiction. Shortly after he started messaging you about how he is definitely enjoying particular segments of your fanfiction. You laughed, and messaged him back that you were about to close your eyes, and will definitely read his messages when you woke up later.

@r-ahh-mi @mrhoemazzello @spacedustmazzello @hissom1933 @txmel @ramimedley @free-rami

#rami malek #rami malek fanfiction #rami malek reader #rami malek x reader #rami malek you #rami malek hilarity

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teamhook · 5 years

Text

CS Pupstravaganza ~ Our Love’s Melody

Hello all! Well, who can say not to puppies? I can't. This is my contribution to the @cspupstravaganza

The song I used is Start of Time by Gabrielle Aplin. If any of you happen to ship Stydia as well, you'll recognize it.

Thanks to the pupper moderator, the lovelies over at Discord, and my Beta- @gingerchangeling

I've had this story in my drafts for a while, I just needed an excuse to really get into it. Thanks for the push.

Gotta tag a few people.

@searchingwardrobes @revanmeetra87 @ilovemesomekillianjones @hookedonapirate @seriouslyhooked @snowbellewells @kmomof4 @let-it-raines @shireness-says @profdanglaisstuff @xhookswenchx @kymbersmith-90

AO3

FFN

In their prime, The Scoundrels were a fan favorite selling out stadiums sadly that was 10 years ago. Now they play small engagements. Reunions, bridal showers, birthday parties and whatever event Liam could find.

Killian, however, would sneak away and play hole-in-the-wall bars or what might be considered dive bars. He wanted to get inspired to write one more hit. At least. He wanted to prove to all the critics that called him a "has been" that he was still pertinent. But that was proving to be an elusive goal.

Killian kept declining offers from all different types of reality shows including Dancing With the Stars to The Bachelor. His brother Liam would simply say, "Killy, you are an amazing dancer, You would win, and it would be good publicity for your comeback." Killian's simple response, "I don't need a bloody reality tv show to become relevant my music will show that."

The brothers talked for hours and Liam finally agreed to back off about Killian doing any sort of reality show. At least for now.

"Brother, tell me what I can do to help," Liam asked in defeat.

Killian smirked, "Do what you do best. I want to focus on writing for a while, can you get me some help with Jolly and maybe make sure my plants don't die?"

Liam ponders for a second, "I could get a dog sitter and maybe ask if watering plants would be an added bonus."

"Aye, sounds like a plan. Liam, doesn't that blonde have a dog walker for Olaf?" Killian reminded his brother of the icy blonde he may have a crush on.

Liam blushed at the mention of Elsa, his brother was right. She had mentioned she was going to get one. "I'll ask her if she has any recommendations."

It turns out that Olaf's dog walker was a close friend and had enough time to walk Jolly too. The plants were not a deal-breaker.

Through Elsa, Liam hired Emma to be Killian's dog sitter.

First day on the job. Emma arrived promptly to take Jolly on his walk. She used the key that Liam had left for her in the lobby. She walked in and is soon met with an adorable black labrador/spaniel mix. She scratched behind his ears and looked for his leash. He jumped around full of energy. "You are a cutie aren't you? Yes, you are." She thought his owner would have at least been more organized and left her what she needed to do her job.

She sighed exasperatedly at the inconvenience to have to search for it. She walked further into the loft. It was beautiful and she couldn't help but admire the decor and the personal touches.

She noticed the Grammy awards and as she leaned over to read the name she heard someone clearing their throat. Shit! She got caught snooping. Just her luck.

She slowly turned around to face the music.

"Hello. I'm Emma Swan, Jolly's new pet sitter." She quickly introduced herself. She really hoped that she hadn't overstepped. "I was looking for Jolly's leash to take him to the park." She looked at him and noticed he had fetched his leash. The traitorous dog's tail excitedly tapped on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Miss. Swan. I'm Liam Jones. I meant to arrive before you but I got stuck in traffic." He smiled for a brief second.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have looked for it myself. You must think I'm unprofessional."

"The fault is mine. I should have been here to show you around. Would you like a tour?"

"I think Jolly is ready for his walk and maybe a little playtime. Would you still be here in about an hour?"

"I will be. I need to discuss something with my brother."

"Okay, come on Jolly." She smiled nervously and she left to the nearby doggy park, with a happy dog beside her.

Sixty minutes later she returned with a very tired and happy Jolly.

Emma knocked on the door this time while holding Jolly's leash. The door flew open shortly after. Liam smiled fondly at her and the dog. "So did Jolly behave?" He reached to pet the dog.

"He is a very well behaved dog."

Liam smiled in agreement, "Lass, I'm happy you got along well. My brother was worried about Jolly, but he really needs to focus on his writing."

Emma responded, "Oh, so I will not be meeting him?"

Liam smiled, "you will, but he will not be around much. He needs to focus on this new music."

Emma smiled and looked at Jolly, "I have no problem with that. I will gladly take care of this cutie. That is… if the job is still mine?"

Liam locked eyes with the young girl, "It is, Jolly has taken to you." He eyed his brother's canine. The dog happily wagging his tail in excitement.

Emma hesitantly, "Your brother was some kind of big shot musician from the awards I saw earlier, is there anything I might have heard recently?"

"I'm afraid not. He hasn't written anything in a while." Liam slowly walked past Emma. He stood for a second and returned his attention to her. "Miss Swan please follow me." He guided her further into the spacious loft. Emma walked quietly behind him, admiring the view of the space.

*Days Later*

Killian left his private studio to take a break and spend a little time with Jolly. He was walking around his apartment in search of his dog. He stopped at the sound of an angelic voice. The only person other than his brother that had a key to the apartment was that dog sitter Liam had hired. He had a feeling it was more about having some sort of interaction with the pretty blonde he was smitten with. Killian couldn't understand why Liam was so hesitant about asking the girl out. "Bloody git."

He was transfixed by the lovely melodic voice. The song was nothing he had heard of before. He liked to be familiar with the new sounds and artists. Once he reached the source of his piqued interest he was captivated by the image in front of him. A blonde lass was watering his plants as she sang to her heart's content. She hummed a melody as she inspected the plants to have the correct amount of water. She was walking towards her charge to ensure he had enough water as her day was almost over. She got ready for her grand finale in front of Jolly, the furball kept wagging his tail in excitement. Killian had followed the girl as she flowed oblivious to her uninvited audience. Her song came to an end as she pets Jolly goodbye for the day.

Killian stood in place his eyes focused on the door that had just closed.

"Mary Margaret, what are you doing?" Emma asked her older sister as she entered the bedroom.

"Uh, nothing." Mary Margaret closes down her computer and blushes at being caught. She sits up straight on her bed.

"Oh my god, are you still trying to vote for that show "Then and Now" to do a special on your favorite band, the Scrounges?" Emma giggled at her sister's antics as she dropped down next to her sister on the bed.

"Ems, first of all," she sighed,"It's The Scoundrels and yeah, I am. I don't get it. There is no activity in their social media accounts and I would love it if I could hear them sing at my wedding." Mary Margaret gasps in excitement, "Do you think I can get them?"

"MM, I love you but do you really think David wants a boy band to play at his wedding. It's not just your wedding you know?" Emma says with a raised eyebrow.

"It's not a boy band, and besides Killian Jones has the best voice ever. It's so dreamy and sexy." Mary Margaret sighs contently.

"I guess if that's what you want. It's your wedding, your special day." Emma smiled fondly at her sister.

"Enough teasing and tell me about your first week at work." MM prodded as she focused all her attention on Emma.

"MM, it's not a big deal. Just dog walking and watering some plants for some big shot singer." She shrugged.

"Do you know who it is?" MM asked excitedly.

"I saw some Grammys but I didn't get a chance to read the name, the guy that hired me said it was his brother's place." Emma shrugged.

"Didn't you ask?" MM asked confused.

"I'm curious but on my first day I was caught snooping. I just didn't want to push my luck." Emma confessed blushing.

"Oh, Emma." MM hugged her sister.

"Then the awards were moved. I haven't seen them since. So I took the hint." Emma continued.

"That was unnecessary!" MM said upset.

"I understand, they have a total stranger coming into their home. I'm not mad." Emma smiled at her sister.

"What did Elsa say? Did she give any details when she mentioned the job?" MM asked.

"Elsa just said she was helping her friend Liam out," Emma answered.

"Liam is the one that hired you? And he did it so his brother could write new songs?" MM confirmed as she started putting some things together.

Emma answered slowly. "Yes."

MM gasps, "Oh my gosh! Hold on, I have to double-check something." MM grabs her computer, opens it and does some frantic typing, while Emma watches her. "Ems, is this Liam?" MM points at an old image of a guy that resembles Liam standing next to her sister's teenage crush, Killian Jones. Emma stares at the image trying to read the caption below the photo, Liam Jones brother of Killian Jones singer/writer of The Scoundrels.

"Holy shit! How did you know?" Emma squints at the image as she asks MM.

"Liam is not that common of a name and how many Liam's can possibly have Grammy award-winning brothers?" MM is jumping off the bed excitedly. "Emma you have to introduce me or at the very least get me his autograph!" MM squees with excitement.

"MM, I haven't met him yet. I don't even know if I will. He is always in his studio working." Emma answers her sister.

"Ems, please, please, I'm begging you!" MM begs.

"MM, I can't promise anything." Emma stares at her sister.

"OMG, tell me he still has the tight leather pants! He used to fill them up perfectly." MM sighs contently at the memory.

"MM, I have no idea. You make it sound like I go snooping around. I just take Jolly out and feed him. That's it." Emma's glare brings her sister out of her happy memories.

Routine is not a bad thing per se. Emma likes it that way. No surprises, she had given up on ever meeting Jolly's owner. Liam had said his brother was busy, and she had witnessed the locked studio door. What she doesn't know is that he has seen her once or twice.

Killian Jones has caught himself spying on the lovely dog walker a few times. While she hums to Jolly, she is completely unaware of his presence. He's still not sure if he should be insulted or not about that. However, he can't help but be entranced by her as much as Jolly is. He considers introducing himself a few times, but quickly decides right now is not the time to dwell. He needs to write one more hit song. His time in the studio is proving to be a waste of time.

He hasn't used a lyricist since Milah. They had worked so well together, and fallen in love. At least, he had. He was just a meal ticket for her. As soon as she got a better offer she left him behind. No amount of pleas on his behalf made her reconsider. She was gone. He didn't want to give another the same kind of power again, but he might have to. He was going to ask Liam to put out feelers, but the new lyricist had to be a man. That is the safest way- no temptation.

Emma opened the front door expecting to be greeted by her charge ready to go wagging his tail, but Jolly is not in sight. She started to panic, what if something happened to him? She tried to calm down, and strained her ears...for a second...then she heard faint whimpers. She hurried to find the source.

He could hear scattered barks and some whining. Bloody hell his head hurts. Jolly pressed his cold nose on his clavicle for a second and then the pressure is gone. Killian tried to open his eyes, all he could do is peek. He sees Jolly being pulled away by an angel. Sunshine engulfed the room as he realizes that he's sprawled out on the black leather sofa he had fallen asleep on after indulging in one too many rum glasses. He could faintly hear a soft voice call out for his dog. "Jolly, come on boy. Let your papa rest." The dog whimpered it's response, "I know, baby, we are running late for your walk. I'm sure you need to pee." Jolly finally relented and followed her to the door wagging his tail.

Emma and Jolly left the apartment. "Okay, Jolly let's see what you got buddy." She released the leash and Jolly trotted away to smell everything he could get his nose on but stayed close to her. He was very well trained. She had been surprised by how well he behaved. He must be very loved by his person. Hm. What an interesting way to meet your boss she thought. He looked slightly older than the posters her sister had, but she had to admit he was good looking. She could see some chest hair peeking out of his shirt. He must have taken a break from the studio because every time she picked up Jolly the door was closed with a light on meaning to not disturb. That light was always on. Her attention returned to Jolly. He was chasing a butterfly. She giggled because that dog was simply adorable. She feared she was getting too attached. What was going to happen when her services were no longer needed? After an hour or so Jolly got tired. He'd done his business enjoyed a treat or two. His head resting on her lap.

"Alright, let's take you home. Daddy should be ready for some love from you."

They return to Jolly's home and are greeted with a sour-faced man exiting the apartment.

Emma turned to Jolly who simply tilted his head. She opened the door and let Jolly enter. She was putting away Jolly's leash and filling his bowl with fresh water. She filled the watering pot and went to water the plants. She heard music coming from the living room. It was odd since usually, the place was quiet. It was a catchy melody. Without thinking she started singing softly…

It's like the sun came out

And the day is clear

My voice is just a whisper

A throat clearing made her turn her attention away from the plants to the source. There he stood, dark-haired with an unkempt scruff. A smile showing his teeth. Faded jeans with an old loved band t-shirt. He was scratching behind his ear.

"Hello, lass." with a crinkled smile, "I didn't mean to interrupt such a lovely performance."

Emma blushed, and gently put down the watering pot. "I'm sorry-"

"That was good. A lot better than that git my brother got. The best lyricist, my bloody arse."

"Oh, I didn't mean to overstep."

"You didn't. Listen to this and tell me what comes to mind, or you can sing it," he smiles as he picks up his guitar and starts playing.

She is still with closed eyes and she can't stop herself…

Louder than the screams you hear

It's like the sun came out

Emma pauses for a second to keep listening…

There's a ghost upon the moor tonight

Now it's in our house

She can feel his eyes on her but the music is still flowing through her…

Oh, today I'm just a drop of water and I'm running down a mountainside

Come tomorrow, I'll be in the ocean

I'll be rising with the morning tide

He is just staring at her, her words are perfect. "Lass, Where are my manners, we haven't been formally introduced, Killian Jones at your service." He bowed his head in an attempt to be charming.

She rolls her eyes, she guesses he has no idea she saw him earlier laid out on his couch drunk as a skunk, but she couldn't stop herself, "I know who you are."

"Ah, so you've heard of me. You haven't even told me your name." He smiles.

"I'm Emma, Jolly's walker."

He walks towards her and extends his hand for her to shake. As her hand lands on his, he pulls it to his lips and gently kisses it.

Emma's lashes flutter, and she slowly pulls her hand away from him. "Nice to meet you." She turns to leave.

"Emma, I have a proposition for you."

She pauses then turns to face him, "what kind of proposition?"

"Lass, I imagine you saw the idiot that left the apartment as you arrived?"

"Yes-"

"He was the lyricist my brother got for me. He is supposed to be the best but I beg to differ. He had no soul."

"I don't understand. What does that have to do with me?"

"Well, that verse was lovely, just perfect. I can't help but ask, have you done any writing?"

Emma looks around, "Hasn't everyone?"

"I would like for you to consider writing some lyrics for a song. I've never been very good with them myself."

"Yeah, I don't think so. I don't write lyrics."

"Lass, all I'm asking is for us to kick some ideas around."

"I'm sorry. I just can't." Emma bolts out of the apartment leaving a speechless Killian.

#Captain Swan #cs ff #cspupstravaganza #cs au #CS Crew #CS Mafia #cs ff au

39 notes · View notes

r-ahh-mi · 5 years

Text

Under The Necklace

Pairing: Rami Malek x Reader

Summary: Rami is asked in an interview about how he lost his virginity and begins to reminisce about the woman who captured his heart in high school..little does he know that the very woman isn’t as far away as he would have thought. In this scenario, all of the flashbacks are of Rami & reader at the age of 18 (because we love legal adults getting it on).

Warnings: Slight sexual content & swearing.

Word Count: 5.1k

Permanent Tag List: @frami-mercury-malek @lovelymalekk @mezzomercury @sherlollydramoine @rami-malek-trash @amcquivey

Despite her best efforts, she was still questioning herself and the outfit she’d put together. Don’t even get her started on the hair. God, it was awful; not to most people, but to her coworkers who knew of the usual messy bun she threw her hair up in each day, it was awful in the most pathetic way possible.

She had bragged before, in previous job positions, about who she had lost her virginity to two decades ago, she wouldn’t deny that. I mean who could hold back the secret that your precious ‘v’ card was in the hands of an Oscar winner and a fairly attractive one at that. However, seeing as she was working in the media herself, as a journalist, she had quieted down a few notches, not wanting to give herself a name as someone who is constantly dropping any celebrities name that she’d ever had contact with, but also because she knew at some point she would have to come in contact with him.

Today just happened to be that day.

Although neither of them had spoken since high school, she always admired him from afar. Taking note of the various projects he’d been involved in (and binge watching them on various occasions) and, as apart of her job, keeping up with him and his whereabouts. However, today was the first time she could possibly have contact with him. The magazine she worked for decided to have Rami be their ‘cover boy’ for the month and, of course, when she heard the news she immediately felt a down pour of emotions -- happiness, shyness, a slight bit of anxiety, but mostly just pure curiosity.

See, her and Rami had dated in high school, nothing major or drama filled, just casually dated for a few months during her senior year, but both decided to end the brief romance due to them both attending separate colleges. However, that didn’t make their relationship any less special, especially since, they both entertained their first sexual experiences with one another on the night of their senior prom.

As she brightened up the dulled out pink lipstick in the bathroom mirror, she couldn’t help but reflect on the worried brow and gentle touch that he showed her that night when they were both terribly hormonal and at the peak of their feelings for one another. In fact, she’s a thousand percent sure one could see the bumps appearing on her arms as the shivers rang through her skin just trying to feel and imagine his delicate kisses that he placed all over her body. She popped her mouth, perfecting the matte shade on her lips, as she snuggled the tube into her blazer pocket and headed for the bathroom door. Immediately, one of her coworkers greeted her.

“Are you nervous about today?”

She shrugged, attempting to give off the vibe that it was no big deal in her mind as both of the ladies walked down the hallway together.

“Why would I be nervous?”

“Maybe because your going to be sitting in on your ex boyfriends interview.”

She shook her head, “We dated in high school and it was for a couple of months. You’re acting as if he was my long term lover or the one that got away.”

“Oh! but what if he is? What if this is all fates doing and he’s coming back into your life so you guys can finally be together and-”

“Not to bust your precious little fairy tale, but honestly, it was nothing serious. All we did was lose our virginity to one another.” She said the last part just slightly above a whisper

“Fine..but you clearly have put an effort into your appearance so you must want to get something out of him being here”, her coworker bumped their hips together as she shook her head with a laugh, feeling the bright red coming on to her cheeks.

“I just want him to know that i’m doing well...IF he even recognizes me at all. I haven’t spoken to him in twenty years and I don’t exactly look the same as I used to.”

“Yeah and neither does he. God he’s so handsome.”

She slightly shook her head, thinking back to those times she had to look at the candid shots of him browsing New York or chatting away at an event. His chiseled jaw was a far cry from the baby faced Rami she knew.

The beeping on her smart watch made her slightly jump as she apologized to her co worker for needing to get out of the conversation as she headed down a flight of stairs, into the room where Rami would be being interviewed. She had set her alarm which would allow her just enough time to ensure everything was set in place for the interview. Although she wasn’t the one giving the interview today (thank god) she would be the one sitting in, by the camera, to make sure all technical equipment was working properly and to assist the interviewer should they need to make any last minute or on the spot revisions to the questions they would be asking.

As she entered the dimly lit room, there were various different people scattering around the room as if they were chickens fresh from the slaughter; she, however, was quite calm considering the circumstances. Maybe it was because she was too preoccupied with the thought of them both being in the same room together in a mere amount of minutes, or maybe..that was it. That was the only excuse and proper explanation, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to own up to the fact that he was having that much of an affect on her.

“Are you Y/N?”

A beautiful, young dark haired girl stood in front of her, slightly frazzled hair and even wider eyes were the first thing that caught her eye as she looked at the unfamiliar women.

“I am yes, can I help you with something?”

“I’m Rami’s assistant and just wanted to ensure everything on his list is cleared with your interviewer. It’s some subjects he would prefer not to be asked about.”

Hearing his name made her subconsciously hesitate a little as his assistant held her hand out for a couple seconds too long for her liking as she let a small clearing sound in her throat ring in the bustling room. In an instant, she snatched the paper from her hands, glancing over it --- it was a list she had already seen and cleared with the interviewer, but to please the women, who already seemed to be annoyed at her, she gave her a smile and turned on her heels to head for the fresh new girl they had just hired who would be delivering the questions to their celebrity guest today.

“I know you’ve seen this list before, but please look over it as if you haven’t and pretend it’s interesting enough for that women to stop glaring at me. Sound good?”

The new girl laughed slightly as she let her eyes brush over the words on the paper as she pretended to analyze it carefully.

“Perfect”, she whispered into the new girls ear as she gave the girls shoulder a slight squeeze, making both of the girls smile out of amusement.

She was called to yet another task by someone in Rami’s entourage almost immediately, making her have to exit the room and scamper out into the hallway to make a quick phone call to her boss. What she wasn’t expecting was for Rami to walk down the very same hallway while her phone was glued to her ear. He looked so casual and normal - a far cry from his new lifestyle, but his plain button up and fitted jeans and the way he walked down the hallway all by himself, edging nearer and nearer to her, in that moment it felt like he was just a normal guy, not someone who was being attacked by the media wanting more and more from him. It almost made her sad to say that she too was apart of that very media, just in a different form -- at least the magazine she worked for wasn’t fueled by paparazzi shots and fake headlines.

As Rami walked closer and closer down the hall, she could feel her pulse quicken and her brain completely shut itself off from the conversation she was attempting to have on the phone that she’d completely forgotten about. Of course, Rami gave her nothing but a brief nod and friendly smile -- of course he didn't’ recognize her, if it weren’t for his celeb status, she wouldn’t have recognized him either should she have walked next to him on a street. However, that didn’t make the slight ping of sadness any less prominent....but there wasn’t time for slithering around and moping about some boy she had relations with in high school. This was her job and one that she was good at, she knew she was, and she wasn’t about to let anyone distract her anymore than he already had.

She apologized to her boss over the phone, blaming it on another demand being made on Rami’s crews behalf, but she eventually got the clarification she needed and was able to re-enter the interview space and take her spot in the back by the camera’s, making her body only a mere outline against the dimly lit room.

As she adjusted her dress to cover just a tad more of the flesh on her thighs, she heard his laugh. Although many things had changed since the two decades since they last interacted, his laugh remained the same. Alright, maybe it was just a smidge deeper, thanks to puberty, but it was still something she would have always known to be familiar had she heard it at any given time. She watched as Rami politely waved to the entire crew, making small eye contact with her, as he then properly introduced himself to the interviewer, giving her a friendly hand shake and smile as he made himself comfortable in the brown leather chair which he was now seated in.

Rami:

I was in no mood today for an interview. Fourteen hours straight of filming the night prior and then only being allotted six hours to sleep until I had to show up here and look poised, content, and fashionable was anything but enjoyable, but I wasn’t one to take out my exhaustion on my team or whomever was scheduled to hold my attention for the afternoon. So I smiled, I acted friendly and, as if I had just received an abundance of sleep the night before, even if that was anything further from the truth. At least this magazine seemed to be half decent as opposed to ones fueled by lies and made up scandals, not to mention the employee’s here seemed to be quite easy on the eyes.

“How much time have we got?”

The interviewers posh British accent was a major contrast the the other woman’s American one as she whispered a reply to the interviewer, making small, but obvious eye contact with me.

I knew her from somewhere, but I wasn’t able to pinpoint where exactly. Maybe walking down the street, maybe we sat on the same subway car when she visited New York, who knows, but that face and those eyes and the pout of her full lips may seem normal when described, but they were so unique and so distant, yet very familiar to me. It almost sparked my attention enough for me to ask if i’d met her before when I first saw her in the hallway; had she not had a phone pressed to her ear at that moment, I would’ve done just that. Still, there was something eerily familiar about her and I knew it would eat me away for the entirety of this interview, especially when I could just barely see her head peaked over the back of the interviewers shoulder.

“One minute.”

Speak of the devil.

My eyes flickered to hers, briefly engaging the both of us in eye contact and I knew it couldn’t have just been a casual encounter like passing on the street. No, we talked, I know we did, but still my mind was drawing a complete blank. I made a mental note to make sure I spoke with her after all of this interview bullshit was over.

The interviewer gave a few questions to start -- most of them being terribly generic and my answers being terribly stale as I was far too exhausted and ill of patience today. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I could tell I wasn’t giving her the answers she wanted and had to get in order for her to keep her job, so I attempted to perk up and engage her in some light and casual conversation.

“Where’s the juicy questions?”

“Juicy questions?”. The interviewer cocked her eyebrow as she gazed at me before flickering her eyes back down to the note cards in her hands.

“You know like who I lost my virginity to or-”

“Is that what you want me to ask you?”

I shrugged my shoulders before I leaned in a little bit closer to her and whispered, “This isn’t live right?” She shook her head, absolutely knowing where i was taking this conversation.

“Then let’s have some fun with the questions then, yeah?” She nodded, both of us exchanging friendly smiles that made her blush as she tucked the note cards into the pocket of her dress.

“Let’s get to it then. Tell me about when you lost your virginity.”

I knew my team was mentally panicking right now as I heard some absurdly loud and fast typing that was going on behind me, but I didn’t care. I was so tired of the same old questions in every same old interview and my virginity story wasn’t one that I was ashamed of nor regretting of.

“Well, her name was Y/N.” The Interviewer nodded as she waited and listened intently, letting me know that I could go on.

“We were both seniors in high school at the time and it was the night of our senior prom. It was really special actually, not like some other peoples virginity stories, you know? I genuinely liked her a lot.”

As I began to verbally elaborate on the exact night, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander and completely absorb me into that night.

We were both freshly 18 and so nervous as we laid on my bed that i’d happily snuck her into while my brother kept a helpful eye on making sure my parents or sister never saw me escort a girl into my room during the severely late evening hours. I remember the necklace around her neck -- some sort of locket that hung on a gold chain, perfectly dipping in between her cleavage, I found it so incredibly arousing as I let my finger tips brush the shadows her pushed up breasts made against her collarbones and she just simply smiled at me as I explored her, not even sexually, just more silently praising how beautiful I thought she was.

Although we hadn’t been together very long, I felt very strongly for her, I remember that a lot. I wouldn’t have called it love, but I wouldn’t have called it me simply just ‘liking’ her; she meant much more to me than that. While my hands silently explored her chest, all the way down to her ribs, I felt her slightly flinch, making me instantly pull my hands away from her. She reassured me it was just nerves and that she’d never been touched like that before, but it still made me go even slower than I had before as she confirmed to me that she wanted this, and more importantly, that she wanted me in that way.

I don’t think either of us were planning on having sex that night, or at least I wasn’t. Sure, I had thought about it, I was a teenager for crying out loud, sex was merely all that I thought about at that age, but I had never wanted to pressure her into it and secretly I was nervous as well. Everyone always said losing your virginity was a big deal and I wanted to make this special for her and for I, but I also could’t wait to have her, not when she was practically asking me to touch her so intimately.

Every time I’d move my hands over a body part that was seen as risky, I looked at her and every time she would nod, reassuring me that she wanted it and that it was pleasing to her, all the while her hands fixed themselves on the side of my head as she gazed at me sweetly. When it finally came for both of our clothes to be completely discarded, I was timid, mainly because of how visibly turned on I was, but who wasn’t when seeing a naked women, or person of attraction, for the first time in the flesh and right before your eyes. She didn’t seem to mind though as she lovingly traced the dips on my biceps as I hovered above her, in between her legs.

For the most part, we were both pretty quiet the entire time. I’m assuming that was due to the nerves we were both feeling and because we were concentrating hard on another and relishing this moment, after all it was something you don’t really forget about and are always reliving in your mind. Most cringe, some winch, even fewer smile when thinking back to losing their virginity which can either be from the experience in general, the person who they chose to do the act with, or a good combination of both, but I was determined to not let that be me. Regardless of my age and my lack of experience and maturity, I knew she was the right person that I wanted to spend this moment with. No, we weren’t in love, but that didn’t make this any less right feeling for me-i just hoped she felt the same as I did.

“What made you so sure you weren’t in love?” The interviewer broke me from my reminiscing as I flickered my eyes to her while I thought about the question.

I didn’t say anything, merely teetered my head from the left to the right as I nibbled on my lip, concentrating hard.

“Difficult question?”

“A bit, yeah”, I admitted as I enclosed my hands around each other and set them in my lap. “I guess--I guess i’m not sure. I wasn’t thinking about marrying her or anything, but I would’ve taken a bullet for her, gladly...” I shrugged my shoulders, keeping my eyes fixated on the ground, “...but we were both so young, are you even capable of feeling love like that when you’re that young? You haven’t even experienced real life yet?”

I was more so asking myself that question aloud, which is why I assumed the interviewer didn’t answer me, just sat and watched me as I mentally fought with myself over this relationship I had had when I was a young guy.

“I guess..I don’t know.”

“If you’d take a bullet for someone, that sure sounds like love to me. Just my opinion though.” I listened intently and held her eye contact for much too long as my mind began to wander again as I confused myself even further with what I truly felt for her. I wonder what would happen should I see her again - I’m sure she’s gorgeous, she was when we were younger so i’m positive she would be ten times hotter by now. Definitely would be married, no way could she have survived looking and acting like an a actual angel and not be taken by a man..or woman...or whomever held the key to her affection.

“Tell me about her. I’m curious to know your point of view of her.”

I thought back about how patient and caring she was; an exceptional listener and an even better advice giver. Again, I dove deep into my thoughts, recanting that evening again as I remembered her tender touches along my arms, over to my chest, and down to my stomach.

Carefully, she let her hand graze against my hardened cock, making me flinch in the slightest fashion as her eyes quickly flickered up to me. I told her it just felt really good, nearly whined for her to continue on with her actions, but I never wanted to pressure her or force her into anything. However, she read my mind. Her entire palm wrapped around my member, giving it a slightly and slow squeeze as I rolled my eyes to the back of my head. My breath was so heavy and so was hers as she began palming me; I assumed she had no idea how to give a hand job and I wasn’t in any mood to show her exactly how to, I just wanted her to do what felt right to her and her actions were enough for me right now.

My hips naturally pushed themselves into her hand as her eyes watched my face for my reactions; she seemed very confident already as she moved her hands down to cup my balls, rolling them around in her hand, making me let out a soft and audible moan. I heard her giggle, making me open my eyes which i’m sure were shot with arousal as I joined her in matching smiles.

“Does that feel good?” All I could do was nod as she attempted to keep up her movements before I forced her hand away as I could feel myself already about to cum.

“Is something wrong?”

“No! No, not at all. I just..” She could sense my embarrassment as I felt her hand brush up and down my back in a loving manor, immediately making me stop babbling on.

“Are you close?” I nodded, biting my lip as I rested my forehead against hers.; i’m sure she could feel the heat from my cheeks.

She smiled, almost devilishly -- i’d never seen this almost vixen like look to her, but I was quite enjoying it as she wrapped her legs around my waist, pushing my cock against her bare folds. We both exhaled, not realizing this position would bring on this sort of contact, quickly she loosened her legs around me, allowing me to back up just a bit.

“Do you-you know-do you have a condom or anything?” I asked with hesitance. I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t expecting this to happen and I was severely regretting not keeping that condom my brother gave me, in hopes that i’d save it for ‘my big day’ as he put it.

“I’m on birth control. My mom made me go on it when we started dating.”

I nodded and gulped, my nervous eyes dragging down from her eyes to her lips and then to her neck as I slowly moved closer to her collarbones. Although we hadn’t had any sexual contact prior to this, we had plenty of make out sessions that had started off as innocent kisses, and trailed into nearly dry humping, so I was no stranger to some heavy kissing and petting. Gently, I bit into the skin on her collar, making her wrap her legs around me tightly again as I kissed and blew the cold air onto her flesh.

Her hands instantly went to my hair and the back of my neck as she let out small breathy moans while I continued giving her hickeys that i’m sure she’d have to cover up so her parents wouldn’t see, but in that moment I wasn’t worrying about that. I don’t think she was either as she began grinding her hips upwards, making our most sensitive areas graze and move against one another.

Our bodies moved like this for awhile, just enjoying the friction we were getting, until I could feel my orgasm close behind once again. I pushed my hips down into hers, ensuring that neither of us could move as I pressed my lips to hers for just a moment before we both pulled away, forehead against forehead, and just looked at each other, both thinking this is it. There was no more time to waste and nothing to hold us back now.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” She nodded, fast and quick, with a gentle and beautiful smile on her face as I too nodded and reached down to grab my shaft in one of my hands.

“Please tell me if you want to stop okay? I don’t want to hurt-” She pressed one of her fingers to my lips, shushing me. I pulled my tongue out between my lips and licked her finger in response, making her giggle.

She nodded her head at me, silently egging me to ‘go on’ as I slowly pushed my tip inside of her. I could’ve came right then and there purely from the tightness of her, but I held onto every last bit of strength I had so I wouldn’t. She was quiet and nervous I could tell as I whispered a soft “Relax babe”, into her ear. A nervous, but genuine smile graced her lips as I kissed her while moving a little bit more inside of her.

“You okay?”, I mumbled against her lips as she let out a small, but noticeable noise.

She nodded, moving her hips up to push more of my cock inside of her, making us both inhale sharply as I was now fully inside of her.

“Still okay?”

She nodded, “I want more.”

I nearly growled as I latched my mouth back onto hers as I began to slowly move my hips, causing me to move out and then back inside of her.

Our movements were slow and I didn’t last very long, neither did she. It was so innocent and probably god awful, in terms of skill, but it was so good right in that very moment -- I wouldn’t have traded it for the world, especially not with whom I got to spend it with.

Afterwards we were both so exhausted we instantly collapsed on my bed, piled in a mess of our limbs and sweat as we cuddled on my twin bed that was much too small for the both of us.

“Was I any good?” I asked with minimal confidence.

“I don’t really have much to compare it to, but i’d say that was pretty fucking good”, she giggled and giggled some more as my hands moved to her stomach as I began to tickle her.

It was my turn to press my finger to her lips, shushing her, “My parents are going to hear you.”

“I can still remember her laugh...it was so high pitched, but not annoying. I don’t know, it seemed to really suit her and it was one of my favorite sounds in the world back then.”

“Would you recognize it now if you heard it?” I watched as the interviewer attempted to hide a giant smile from her lips, making me look at her quizzically just before she turned her head, ever so slightly, over her shoulder.

I followed her gaze, looking at what was behind her: cameras, camera men, lights, and the woman from earlier. I watched as the woman nervously fiddled with the cuticles on her thumb nail, her leg was bouncing a hundred miles and hour as her foot joined in bopping along. Then my eyes trailed up her bare legs, admiring them, I wasn’t going to lie about that, all the way up to her face.

There was something there. A reminder of something, of anything...and then it hit me.

Although her eyes were covered by clear framed glasses and the glare of the light wasn’t helping either, I could see that glimmer; i knew that glimmer. It was her, I was positive now as I compared the mental image in my head to the real life, now grown women in front of me. Nervously, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear--I remember when I used to do that for her.

“I’ll take that as a yes..or maybe no?”

I flickered my eyes back to the interviewer, but only a moment later and my gaze was back on her. I was in too much disbelief to have my attention be anywhere, but on her.

“Yes. I would know it if I heard it.” My eyes were still glued to hers as she nervously diverted her eyes to her phone, attempting to clear her body of the nervous energy, much like the one we felt that night of our prom.

“What would you do if you saw her today?”

I thought about it, truly thought what I would do and what I would say.

“I think i’d ask her to dinner. I’d love to see what she’s been doing since I last saw her.” I spoke the last part giving her my undivided eye contact as the interviewer announced that that was all the questions she had for me.

Suddenly, I wasn’t in my own little world anymore. Everyone began moving in the room, finding their places, jumping back into their jobs, and I was having difficulty bringing myself back to reality. I had just enveloped my mind in the girl, who was now a beautiful woman, who had stolen my heart in high school and now I had to jump back into my single lifestyle of living the Hollywood dream.

“Thanks Rami”, the interviewer smiled at me as if she had some little secret as she stood up from her chair and walked out of the room, chatting away on her phone. This gave me a perfectly clear view of her now. She still sat in the chair, much like I too was still in the spot i’d been in for the better part of an hour and we just looked at each other.

I smiled at her first, she returned it instantly as she bit her lip.

“So”, I started, getting myself up from the chair and walking over to her sitting form, “Can I take you out to dinner sometime?”

I watched as her hand gravitated towards her neck. Her small fingers began toying with the gold chain around her neck as I saw the familiar locket strung on the coiled material while her eyes glanced up towards me.

“I’d like that a lot.”

#Rami malek #Rami Malek x reader #Rami malek fic #ramimalek #rami malek fan fiction #borhap #the pacific #busters mal heart #mr robot

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ladykateofledfordpark · 5 years

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A Smile for Friends (M!Raleigh x MC)

This fic is inspired by day 19 of the Choices July Challenge hosted by the amazing @kinda-iconic under the profile @choicesjulychallenge!

Dedicated to @mariaoz and @lady-kato, my amazing Raleigh-loving friends! ❤

Tagging also @jlpplays1 @desiree-0816 @itsbrindleybinch and @lovedrakewalker! Your support is amazing and I can't thank you enough! =D

Day 19 Prompt: Trust

Pairing: M!Raleigh x MC (Dawn) (lots of Avery, tho! =) )

Summary: Raleigh takes Dawn out for a movie premiere, but Avery is never far.

Notes:

Just like last fic, this takes place with the choices I made in my playthrough. =)

Unedited

Warning: Angsty

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Raleigh waited patiently outside, ignoring the horrible need to play with his bracelets. He was not some lovestruck puppy.

No, he was one of pop culture’s most successful solo artists. He needed to act like it.

The door opened, and Dawn left the recording studio with the most beautiful dress ever. A sparkling red cocktail dress, which somehow made her eyes shine so much brighter.

He was so focused on her beauty that he forgot she wasn’t alone. Avery smiled at her, his blue eyes shining with the spark of true happiness, before he hurriedly kissed her on the lips.

Dawn giggled, her cheeks now tinged with pink. Avery squeezed her hand and whispered something in her ear, and she nodded.

Raleigh swallowed. He knew that watching the both of them was just needless torture, but he couldn’t look away. He didn’t know whether it was because of the way Dawn looked, or maybe his body was a lot more masochistic than he knew.

Dawn brushed her hand on Avery’s cheek, and he immediately took hold of it. “Of course,” she answered, “it’s only a front, remember? I like you.”

Avery chuckled. He pulled Dawn to him, so they were only inches apart, his touch kind and loving, as if she was his very own diamond. “I never thought this could ever happen. You, me, together.”

Dawn’s smile grew. “I’m happy too.”

Raleigh closed his eyes. This wasn’t supposed to bother him. Not at all, let alone as much as it did. Why, then, was it so hard to hear those words Dawn said?

Avery gently ran his hand over her cheeks, his expression that of complete content. “Dawn, I…”

She stopped him, though it was clear how much it pained her. “We’ll talk later, okay? I need to go.”

Avery looked at Raleigh, and his happiness nearly disappeared. “Of course,” he answered, smiling weakly.

Dawn sent him a small, comforting smile, as she slowly peeled away. Her touch lingered, as if she didn’t want to let go, but she had to. She knew that.

Why did she have to act as if it was torture to spend a few hours with him? He was her boyfriend, after all.

Raleigh froze. No, he was not her boyfriend. Why was he even thinking that?

He needed a drink.

Dawn finally met his gaze once she reached him. “Hi, Raleigh. So there’s another gala we’re going to now?”

Raleigh smiled mischievously. “Actually, it’s a movie premiere.”

She blushed. “Right.”

Dawn glanced back at Avery, who sent her a small wave. He smiled at her gently, and she returned his smile.

And then he disappeared, and she was once again forced to pay attention to her fake boyfriend.

“Dawn… Hank’s waiting for us.”

She jumped. “Oh, yeah! Sorry.”

Raleigh led her to the familiar limo. They entered from the back, and Hank immediately winked at the both of them. “Nice to see Hollywood’s most famous couple! How are you two doing?”

Raleigh flexed his arms. He hated the suit he was forced to wear, but this fake date required it. Of course, this outfit would be a lot easier to wear if this was a real date, but that was beside the point.

“Nothing special. Lots of gossip, speculations, the works,” Raleigh answered matter-of-factly. He learned many years ago not to pay the media any attention. Most of what they wrote was nonsense, anyway.

Dawn fingered her necklace absentmindedly. It was a new one, Raleigh noticed, but her thumb rubbed it affectionately, almost as if it was a gift.

“Dawn?”

She raised her head. “Yes, Hank?”

“What’s so special about that necklace?”

Dawn smiled sheepishly. “Um… Avery gave it to me.”

“Oh, really?”

Raleigh stiffened. Dawn brought a necklace from Avery on their date? Why did she think that was a good idea?

She nodded at Hank’s question. “He was a little worried. I told him he shouldn’t be, but…” she shrugged, “you know how it is.”

“I’m not blaming that young lad. You did just start dating.”

“We-well I don’t know how true that is. We’re not officially a couple, but maybe…” she stopped, gazing longingly out her window.

Raleigh cleared his throat. “Dawn, did I tell you about the movie yet?”

She shook her head, as her thumb continued rubbing circles on the necklace.

"It's a surprise."

He was hoping those words would earn the same reaction Avery always got, but Dawn just nodded.

What did he have to do to get even an inch of reaction from her?

They arrived not long after. Raleigh, as the classic "gentleman", put out his hand for Dawn to take. She looked at it hesitantly, her gaze discreetly drifting back to her necklace, before she got up without his help.

And then she tripped, and Raleigh hurried to catch her.

He tensed when he realized their position. Dawn's face was so much closer than usual, surprise rendering her speechless. Her heart beat so close to his, for once he could believe that maybe she was the one for him.

However, when his eyes met hers, she suddenly recovered herself.

Dawn straightened herself. She smiled a sad and weak smile, the same one hundreds of girls had when they friendzoned puppies desperate for their affection.

Of course, Raleigh wasn't one of those.

"Thank you. I'm too clumsy for my own good."

Dawn brushed her thumb once again on her necklace, as if to remind him who her heart really belonged to. "Let's go."

Raleigh took hold of her arm. "Wait."

"What?"

He swallowed. "You should take hold of me. Just in case."

She hesitated. "Of course."

Her warm hand gently touched his arm, and she plastered a smile on her face. It was beautiful, but paled in comparison to her natural happiness. Why was this the only way Raleigh ever saw her?

Raleigh led her past the hundreds of lights and posters advertising the movie. Dawn gasped when she saw the lavish seats waiting, each one with its very own name tag. She curiously searched for hers, before beaming from what she found. "I can't believe it."

"This is your new life."

Her eyes twinkled like a kid who just got the best treat in the world. "I can't believe it!"

She pushed toward their seats, but Raleigh pulled her back. "Not like that," he grinned.

"What do you mean?"

She paused when a young teenager ran to them, his face red and his eyes apologetic. "Hello, may I have your invitation?"

Raleigh casually dug out an invitation from his packet. The boy read it carefully, before giving a curt nod. "Mr. Raleigh Carrera and Dawn Myers, this way please."

He stopped at the seats Dawn noticed a few moments ago, and stood there till the both of them sat down. Once that was done, he bowed and rushed off to seat some other guests.

"Wow," Dawn said once he was gone, "this is a really big deal."

Raleigh nodded. "If you manage to stay on the A-list, this will be your life from now on."

She quieted, her forehead now creased with deep thought. "Right."

Raleigh frowned. He remembered that night, so long ago, when Dawn called him. Her voice shook stronger than ever, and her words sent tingles of worry in him.

I don't think I want this anymore. I hate pretending to be someone I'm not, dating someone who's not even remotely interested in me. I know that I'm living the dream life, but now I'm not sure this is for me.

He managed to calm her down, but from Dawn's constant hesitation, he knew her doubts weren't gone. They were just better hidden.

"Dawn…"

She turned to him, with wide eyes. "What, is the movie starting?" she asked. Her eyes quickly flitted to the screen before she breathed a sigh of relief.

"What happened?" She asked, once again closed off.

"Are you still worried about this life?"

She chuckled. "Of course not!"

But her voice was high pitched, and Raleigh knew how to detect liars. He had to learn it in this harsh industry.

"You are."

She sighed. "A bit, but… it's getting better. My album just had its debut, my friends are all with me, and I'm now dating someone I've been crushing on for years. It may not be everything I wanted, but I'm starting to think that it's worth it."

She met his eyes, and at that moment Raleigh could've sworn all those beautiful words were meant for him. He gently took hold of her hand, and after slight hesitation she let it stay there.

But she was still fingering the necklace, as if to remind herself that her slightly faster pulse wasn't for the guy sitting next to her. Rather, it was for someone else.

And that act was enough to remind Raleigh of where he stood, and where Avery did.

For some reason, for the first time since he could remember, he desperately wanted to be in Avery's place. At the side of the beautiful girl sitting beside him.

Somehow, out of all the words floating in his brain, Raleigh found himself asking a question. One he never thought he would.

"Why did you tell me about it? About the way you feel?"

Dawn gave him a small smile, while squeezing his hand. "I needed advice, and you were the only one who could give me it. And also…" her eyes shone once more, and Raleigh's heart stopped, "I trust you. We don't know each other for that long, yet you've never let me down."

She gave him the smile Raleigh always longed for, but for some reason his heart wasn't filled.

Because Dawn didn't look at him like he was the light of her life, the guy she would never give up on.

But rather like a friend she would never see in a different way.

#playchoices #choices #choices stories you play #raleigh carrera #raleigh x mc #raleigh carrera x mc #mc x raleigh carrera #mc x raleigh #platinum #choices platinum #platinum choices #platinum raleigh #choices fanfiction #playchoices fanfiction #platinum fanfiction #choices july challenge

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juzuya-13 · 5 years

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Tagged!!! ❀

I was tagged by the lovely @thefandomsurfer to tag all of my favorite shows ❀

Thank you so much for tagging me, I'm very excited for this one! ❤️

Tokyo Ghoul / Tokyo Ghoul: re.

I love Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul:re so freaking much, I can't say the anime adaptation is the best because unfortunately it isn't, however I decided to enjoy it for what it's worth, the manga on the other hand is a master piece and I totally recommend it! Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul: re have a very special place in my heart, the whole story is packed with social critics, questions of morality and the representation of different mental health issues that are very familiar to many of us in real life, therefore it's dark, tragic and very raw in nature but that's exactly what I love so much about it. The characters are incredibly well written and you always end up relating and seeing yourself in at least a few of them and their struggles, it feels very authentic, it's definitely remarkable and it creates an impact on the viewer/reader or at least it did on me.

Death Note.

Oh dear, I love Death Note so much! Where do I start? I still remember the very first time I read/watched Death Note, it took me on a rollercoaster of emotions, I fell in love with the story and the complexity of it, the way it makes you wonder and question your own sense of morality and what's right and wrong is pretty awesome. For a good part of the story I felt rather dived, I didn't really like Light but I also really loved the genius of his character and I understood him and what he was striving for, however I knew it wasn't right and Light wasn't meant to be the white knight or the hero but rather the antagonist. The whole cat and mouse situation going on between L and Light was just so brilliant, so intriguing, I was hooked. I love L so much, also Near and Mello and quite frankly I love every single character in some way, they all played an important role. Death Note truly is a work of art and I loved it all the way from the start to the very end.

Attack On Titan.

I love Attack On Titan, both the anime and manga are brilliant, I love it how the story is so consistent and so well written from the very beginning, everything is connected and it's just absolutely genius. I believe Eren might be one of the best anime/manga protagonists of all time, all he's been through, how he orchestrated everything, all his efforts to get to that freedom he's been striving for from the very start of the story is impressive, his character development is outstanding and what can I say? I just love Eren, to be honest every single character is so beautifully written and I could just go on and talk about each of them individually but let's not do that or else this will get way too long for anyone to read it aha. Attack On Titan touches many sensitive topics and for that reason it is very impactful and completely and utterly worth it!

Black Butler.

I love everything dark, supernatural and gothic themed, I've also always loved everything about the Victorian era in England so of course when I heard of Black Butler I just really had to read/watch it for myself. I fell in love with it almost instantly, it just had a certain aura to it that peaked my interest, I thought it was everything I expected it to be and more, dark, gothy and with a good bunch of supernatural elements. I found the story very touching, tragic and intriguing with pretty interesting plot twists, there's also a good dose of humor which I appreciate. I should also mention that I appreciate Yana Taboso's work a whole lot, I think she's incredibly talented not just as a writer/storyteller but also her character designs are just fantastic, every character she creates is always so aesthetically pleasing, unique and detailed, matching the theme and their personalities perfectly. Quick disclaimer! The first season doesn't entirely correlate with the manga and the second season was entirely made up and does not follow the manga at all, I still did enjoy it as a separate piece of Black Butler content though. The third season is my personal favorite because I love love love the Noah's Ark Circus arc, it's fantastic, there's also a movie called Book of the Atlantic that covers another really awesome arc of the manga and some really cool OVA's totally worth watching (especially Book of Murder because it covers an arc of the manga), I've lost track of how many times I've rewatched it all! I love every single character and I'm definitely very glad I found and got into Black Butler.

Blue Exorcist.

I first got into the manga and I loved it so much that it didn't take me long to binge watch the entire anime (or what's currently available at least) however, the second half of the first season of Blue Exorcist does not follow the original source material, I did enjoy it nonetheless, it was an interesting alternative ending for sure but I still prefer how the manga is developing much more, I loved the second season and I just hope to one day see all the manga arcs animated! Blue Exorcist is awesome, it's fun, emotional, with a very compelling story line and surprising plot twists. The way the series handles and showcases familiar relationships and friendships feels very real and the characters are relatable, it's impossible not to get attached to them. Well, I just really love it and totally recommend it! Ohh there's also a pretty awesome movie!!!

My Hero Academia.

I got into My Hero Academia through my brother actually, he was reading it and I was looking for something new to read and watch too and that's when he suggested I start MHA, I got hooked pretty fast, it's pretty entertaining, I like how unique everyone's quirks are and how they seem to somewhat influence their personalities. There's a lot of emotion, characters that have been through a lot so it's hard not to feel sympathetic, especially if you've experienced similar things yourself, It didn't take long for me to start relating to certain characters and get attached to them, building my own theories and overall it's a fun ride!

One Punch Man.

OKAY, One Punch Man is My fiancé's favorite manga/anime series and he is a huge fanboy so it was inevitable aha. I got into it through him, at first I wasn't very optimistic about it, it didn't seem like my cup of tea but boy was I wrong! I ended up loving it and becoming a huge fangirl myself, it only took me a few weeks to catch up with the manga and finish the first season, the second season aired recently and we've also already finished it. One Punch Man is packed with action, adventure and lots of good humor, it's awesome!

Parasyte.

I love Parasyte a great deal, it's such a great manga/anime series especially if you're a fan of Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul: re, I feel like it's rather underrated though so I totally recommend it! It'll take you on a wild, very emotional rollercoaster ride from the beginning to the end, it's impossible not to get a little emotional here and there while watching or reading it. There's a lot of depth and detail in the story, it questions humanity and our true nature as individuals and as a society, it makes you wonder episode after episode or chapter after chapter, it's very raw and impactful, I think everyone sees little fragments of themselves in every character, it's incredibly relatable.

Yuri on Ice.

Oh dear, I love Yuri on Ice so much!!! I found this anime so heartwarming, I loved how pure the relationship between Yuri and Viktor was, their development felt very real, they truly cared for one another, I mean it's just so tender and so beautiful to watch, the emotion and the expectation is so strong on this one, also it's good to see healthy lgbt+ representation in media, especially anime. The whole story is just so worthwhile. I loved each and every character, the choreographies were beautiful and so was the music and the overall atmosphere of the series, Yuri on Ice just makes me happy.

American Horror Story.

I'm an avid horror fan and I've been watching AHS since it first begun airing, it's been one of my favorite tv shows for years and years now, I like it how the show is so versatile, every season has a different theme and explores a completely different universe with new plotlines and characters, sometimes two seasons can be connected by certain events which is always pretty interesting to see. There are some seasons that I like more than others but overall it's pretty good and I love it! On rainy days I really enjoy rewatching my favorite episodes over some hot chocolate and the sound of the rain on my window.

I tag : @hayydith @mirrors-never-lie @waternios @everyone that might wish to participate and talk about their fandoms! ❤❀

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hcpefulmarshmallow · 6 years

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I wanted to take some time out of our irregularly scheduled content to talk about something near and dear to my heart: Komaeda’s voice. Specifically, two of his character songs which I have been more eager to dissect than you know.

A couple of points before we begin:

These songs were not written by the same people who designed, scripted or even localised Komaeda, but rather his Japanese VA, Megumi Ogata. It has, however, been sanctioned as canon material, even released under the Danganronpa brand. Therefore, I will treat it with the same consideration that I do explicitly canon material.

The songs are, of course, in Japanese. I do not speak this language, so I’ll be going off the translations available on the DR wiki. If you do speak Japanese and you realise I’ve missed or misinterpreted something due to the language barrier, please let me know. Otherwise, as an English speaker, I’ll do my best with what I have.

My goal here is to reconcile his musical characterisation with his canon characterisation, as well as extrapolate whatever new things we can learn from these songs about our beloved boy. And if you’re reading this crazy long post and thinking, “wow, she’s reading way too into this,” ... yeah. That’s sort of the fun of it. My goal isn’t to challenge anybody, or shame anyone’s headcanons. This is just a weird niche hobby of mine.

Apologies for the lack of a cut. This much text, I felt, might be a little hard on some peoples’ eyes on my theme. It is tagged though.

Okay, onto the good stuff.

Zettai Kibou Birthday is, according to Megumi, a song about how Nagito feels on the “outside”. It contains a literal narrative and a metanarrative which is a word I like to use to sound smart, but in this case, just refers to an overarching interpretation that isn’t necessarily verbatim, but rather is represented, or is provided a structure, or is given meaning by the actual text.

In this case, the literal narrative is this: Nagito meets somebody on campus he was “born to meet”, and they have some sort of steamy rendezvous, and in amongst all the smooshing, there are several references to absolute hope. However, the song isn’t supposed to be a literal recount of events, but rather an expression of Nagito’s feelings; about hope, love, intimacy and connection. This is the metanarrative. The plot, if you will, is simply a presentation of that message.

While the song functions on a conceptual level and not a physical one, it interests me that sex is the medium through which he allegorises hope, intimacy and interpersonal connection. I think it’s also interesting that hope and intimacy are grouped together, as if to find one is to find the other. To quote Nagito himself, “Now that I’m on the verge of death, I’ve finally realised what I wanted all along: somebody’s love.”

Again, the song isn’t literal. It captures a feeling, likening that exhilaration and comfort of making a deep and impossible connection to the feeling of finding Ultimate Hope. And for someone who has been so lonely for so long, it makes sense he would find that hope in another person. Someone who isn’t afraid to be close to him in every possible sense of the word.

Now let me get it out there - I don’t expect a song like this to have explicit depictions of sex or anything. There is a fine line to walk when using the topic in media lest you be branded with a hard “lewd” rating, but there’s still no shortage of ways to use it without being explicit. Take, for instance, Carla Gugino & Oscar Isaac’s cover of Love Is The Drug. (Why the cover and not the original? Because I actually liked Sucker Punch, fight me.)

Late that night I park my car / Stake my place in the singles' bar / Face to face, toe to toe / Heart to heart as we hit the floor Lumber up, limbo down / The locked embrace, the stumble round / I say go, (and I say yes) / Dim the lights, you can guess the rest

The words describe literally what is going on, while still invoking the right mood and the emotions the characters in the song were feeling. It’s very well-balanced lyrically, especially with what Oscar and Carla’s performance brings to it. Contrast, if you will, with:

So lock up, mix up, cut up… key up, sex up, wrap up / I'll let you mess me up and indulge That's it, break up, use up, end up… hook up—because we're connected / The omen of hope after the worst disaster

If you look close, you can definitely see what’s happening in the actual narrative of the song. However, the details are more or less obfuscated under this layer of words that don’t really mean anything on their own. It’s more like a flurry of different sensations rather than one, tangible experience. These feelings he’s having during these experience are, in the next breath, directly correlated with connection, and then hope.

Nagito is a guy who works on the conceptual and the philosophical more than the literal. Even in canon, he’s heavily into symbolism. He likes to carry around Go stones because of what the colours represent to him. So this use of intimacy and word play to describe a significant bond between two people is remarkably fitting. What’s literally happening isn’t half as important as what is going on beneath the surface, and the way it makes him feel.

Like I said, it’s interesting that, of all the ways he could express hope and connection, this is the one he went with. I do believe that this also expresses an underlying attitude towards intimacy; that it’s something he only wishes to share with someone truly special. In many fan circles he is portrayed as a highly sexualised character, even though in the canon media, he is quite chaste, never taking any sexual interest in a situation that isn’t sexual; for instance, any of the many times Mikan falls over herself and winds up in a suggestive pose. (And nor should he, let me stress.)

And I can already foresee the counterargument that Nagito is gay, so of course he won’t enjoy seeing a girl’s underwear; and to that, I have two points. One is that, personally, I disagree. This doesn’t have to matter, but I headcanon him as bi or pan, possibly even demi. Either way, I don’t believe gender plays a major role in who he is attracted to. There’s no canon evidence to say who is “right” here (as right as anyone can be regarding fiction), but I don’t judge. If that’s your interpretation, you do you. The second is that, even towards the characters he is shown to be attracted to (namely, Hajime) his expressions of interest tend to be pure, for lack of a better word. Yes, there’s the joke about stripping naked on the beach, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a joke. He does tend to play a lot, after all.

And let me be clear -- there is nothing wrong with being a sexual person, or expressing one’s desire’s healthily. And certainly, Nagito has that side to him. He absolutely has sexual interest, urges and whatnot. It’s just not a highly key component to his characterisation. The point I want to make is: this song was a really good method to explore his feelings towards intimacy in a natural way, as well as provide more depth and context to attitudes he expressed in canon but couldn’t be explored to their fullest because, you know, it’s a story about murder, not Nagito’s feelings. The way he groups hope, love and sex as this euphoric thing, a singular whirlwind of emotions rather than separate happenings, is telling toward this desire he has for these things, the way he sees them as interconnected, and, with the way the song is so upbeat and uplifting, his hope that he can achieve it.

Nagito is someone who strongly believes in the idea that people are born a certain way, either hopeful or hopeless, talented or untalented. In short, destiny. And in this song, he speaks directly to the person he believes he’s destined for.

In the school campus at midnight, my heart throbs as I continue waiting "I was born for the sake of meeting you" I’II think at the moment

This song puts a tangible goal on this “Absolute Hope”, rather than the vague “overcoming Despair” thing he talks about all the time. Nagito really, truly wants to believe - and seems to believe - that his soulmate is out there, and it isn’t too late to make a deep and meaningful connection with somebody; someone who will be just as eager to reciprocate. Someone he can be unafraid with, captivated with, and with whom, he can experience that Ultimate Hope. It’s even in the title - the moment he meets such a person, is the moment true Hope itself is born. Something far stronger than what already exists in the world.

Zansakura, the companion piece to ZKB, is worlds apart in many ways.

It is, according to Megumi, how Nagito feels on the “inside”, the other side of the proverbial coin to ZKB being how he feels on the “outside”. Likely, this means that part deep within him he doesn’t let others see. This is present in the overall tone alone. While ZKB embodied in it that uplifting way which Nagito talks about Ultimate Hope, Zansakura is much more somber. ZKB echoes the Nagito we see through Hajime’s eyes; while Zansakura is more congruent with those fleeting moments we experience the game from his perspective, wherein he is even more down on himself. As we play through the Final Dead Room with him, we see that the excessive way which he berates himself out loud is nothing compared to the second-guessing and self-debasement that goes through his mind. It truly is a dark and melancholy place, which shows through in the slow, sad melody of Zansakura.

This one takes the imagery to a whole other level, relying primarily on the cultural and symbolic relevancy of cherry blossoms. I’ve written about all this before, so for the sake of those who have been around this blog a while, I’ll try to summarise as best as I can.

In Japan, Cherry Blossoms are symbolic of the ephemeral nature of life -- in other words, the fleetingness and impermanence of it all. In no small degree, the connection between the symbolism of Cherry Blossoms and life and death comes from the influence of Buddhist culture, and is embodied specifically in the concept of mono no aware. This can be translated a number of ways that all pretty much come back to the same idea of existing for only a short period of time. It’s used to describe the awareness of impermanence, the transience of things, and a sadness or wistfulness as their passing; and a deeper sadness about this being the reality of things. I know this seems boring and irrelevant, but please keep especially this last bit in mind, as it’s very important to the meaning behind this song.

The most popular variety of Cherry Blossom in Japan are the Somei Yoshino, which are almost pure white and tinged with pale pink near the stem. Although this song was written after the fact, I have to wonder if this was always intended to be part of the character’s aesthetic, because these colours are reflected in Nagito’s character design - specifically, his hair. Anyway, the Somei Yoshino typically bloom and fall within a week. Winter Sakura or Fuyuzakura begin blooming in autumn and continue sporadically throughout winter alone.

Though Cherry Blossoms are an important, and even iconic image for the country, most people are surprised to learn they don’t last for very long. For Nagito to compare himself to these flowers is to admit that he, too, is here to bloom for a short period of time. It’s also worth noting that Cherry Blossoms are considered their most beautiful, not as they bloom, but rather as they wither and fall. And all of a sudden, I’m reminded of all the times Nagito talks about attaining hope through despair, and how his life has only found meaning as he inches closer to death.

Yeah, I don’t like remembering this detail because it’s profoundly sad, but our marshmallow boy doesn’t exactly have long to live. He was given a year, at most, before starting at Hope’s Peak - and, at the end of the series, is presumably in his early-to-mid 20s. He’s beaten his own life expectancy, but not his illnesses.

The song starts in the most typical Nagito way I can think of:

“We can see again tomorrow", I laughed, short-lived cherry blossoms within my heart

As he always does, he laughs and is cheerful with others, even though deep down, he’s tremendously sad.

The song then takes us through this most beautiful and haunting imagery, of cherry blossoms in bloom after surviving a storm*, preparing to wither and fall; until at last they do, and as the flowers are carried away by the wind and water, a lonely, broken branch is left behind, wanting to bloom again.

(*The actual word used is ‘struggle’, however further down, the survival of a storm is mentioned, along with the flowers (aka hope) which will bloom after. The whole thing is a metaphor for his hope/luck cycle, is what I’m saying.)

He talks about this imagery as someone observing it (The storm of flowers, the sudden wind / I halt and open my eyes); again, with this idea of a metanarrative lurking beneath a literal one. He does, however, break the narrative to address (presumably) that same elusive “you” from Zettai Kibou Birthday:

To live an ordinary life, and die together with you / Oh, if that could come true

This seems so disconnected from the Nagito we know, who seems to have no interest in ‘ordinary’ things, and chases only hope. But as we’ve established, the place he most desires to seek hope is in another person. As he spends more time with Hajime during Island Mode, we know already that he admits to seeing hope in himself, and that he doesn’t necessarily take it as good news. But this line, right here, I feel embodies what this song is about, and what Nagito is all about.

Nagito is a very lonely person, desperate by his own admission for love and understanding. He knows he has little time left, and his prospects are...dim. Everyone he’s ever loved has either died or suffered at the hands of his luck, a force far beyond his control. And those who remain - namely, his classmates - either don’t like or don’t understand him. In ZKB - again, how Nagito feels on the “outside” - he expresses a hopefulness that there’s still someone he can love, who can love him, who he can experience that Absolute Hope with. But Zansakura has far more pessimistic expectations.

By breaking the metaphor to be straightforward and honest for a line, we get Nagito’s most core desire: to live a life with somebody; to love and be loved. Which, yeah, he’s already admitted to. For someone who’s been through so much, that probably seems like the most unattainable thing. Every time he gets comfortable, something invariably rips all that out from under him. And of that, he is painfully aware. Oh, if only that could come true - in other words, he knows it won’t.

Once again, do recall the concept of mono no aware. It’s not just an awareness of transience and impermanence, but also an intense, wistful sadness in the face of it. He knows he’s dying, and he knows he’s dying alone. But he’s not frustrated or angry, or even defiant. He’s not trying to fight it. As much as Nagito wants to hope for the best, deep down, he just can’t. He knows this is the reality, and he doesn’t have it in him to fight back. He’s just completely, deeply, helplessly sad.

In this song, Nagito’s life is represented as the petals that bloom for a short time, then fall; while he is the broken branch left behind; forgotten, wounded and unappealing; yearning for more time. Deep down, this is how he feels about himself. He is boring and unextraordinary, and yet (perhaps selfishly) he wishes that brief taste he has of being alive would last if only a little longer. He’s not quite ready to die yet, not until “the day this ordinary life is devoted”.

#meta;#( holy damn this went on #but i have been meaning to do this forever )#zansakura #zettai kibou birthday #long post/#( 2775 WORDS YO )

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